Since that Bama guy that writes this thing is in Tim Buck Two…
I am a gonna due the rewind article this week and answer some of yawls emails.
He sent me some notes and stuff, but I am fixing to get my “wing it on”.

Before we get into that yawl need to know that I have been celebrating…
The Vol’s winning the Tennessee State Championship!
I know what you is a thinking too.
They ain’t played Vanderbilt yet….
Well don’t you worry about that we is gonna beat the doors off them Commodores.
Get it?

But just so’s you know, even though I’ve been celebrating….I ain’t drunk.
I don’t care what that police man said…

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE LAST WEEK

“Oregon played faster than we wanted them too be……”
Coach Pete Carroll of the University of Southern California

HOOTIE’S NOTE: No kidding Sherlock..
That’s about the dumbest damn thing I heard
since my cousin said he was going on eBay to find him a “good hammer”.
Elmer, if you is a reading this, they got a million of em at Home Depot, dumbass.

TEAM NEWS @ OTHER STUFF TOO

TENNESSEE: They way I see it….
The Volunteers ought to be the Number four team in the country…
Them Gators just barely got by us…
Then them cheating Crimson Tides barely got by us…
So, they way I figure it we IS the Number Four Team in the country and ought to be in the National Championship talking.
O Yeah, we is Tennessee State Champs too!

A-RABS: I don’t know why all them folks are worked up over that Mohammad fellow.
I went to Wal-Mart in Knoxville on Friday to get some more stuff for my restaurant “Snitch’s”
that is going to have a “Grand opening” in about a another week.
It’s going to straight up, awesome!
Anyway, I got off the subject…
This guy greeting people when you walked in, his name tag said “Mohammad”.
So’s I walk over to him and ask,“Why are folks blowing themselves up over you. Are you telling them to do it or something?”
Cause if he would have said “yes”, I was going to put a Baneberry country ass whopping on his ass.
But Mohammad said, “NO! I am good person, I am here legally, I am not a terrorist!”
Well it kind of sounded like that, cause he didn’t speak very good American.
So, what ever you crazy ass A-Rabs are doing you need to cut that crap out…
Cause I talked to Mohammad and he didn’t know a damn thing about it.

PHIL FULMER: There ain’t goin to be No Criticism of the Great Coach Phil when I run the article.
He is like a majestic Walrus, except bigger and with a crown and wings.
That’s how I picture him, so you won’t read nothing negative here about Coach Phil.

TEXAS: I thought the Wizard guy was crazy as hell when he picked yawl to play in the National Championship game..
But it looks like it just might happen.

VETERANS DAY: Now I ain’t never been in combat per say, but I have been married twice, which should count for something,…
and I ain’t never been in the military but I was in Webelos, so I had me a uniform.
But I got to thank all the veterans everywhere for kicking ass and taking names and keeping us free.

ALABAMA: It’s still ain’t right yawl got a guy on the defense that is bigger than three of our boys…
and that’s the last time I’m going to say anything about it.

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, the football Wizard fellow wanted me to apologize that he missed your game over them California people. But, I would have picked yawl, if it would have been me, cause I love me some Beavers.

NEBRASKA: I don’t know how the hell them Cornhuskers beat them Sooner’s but I am betting they is still celebrating down in Lincoln.

OHIO STATE: I don’t know who woke them Buckeyes up, but they are tougher than my momma’s pan fried steak.

FLORIDA STATE: I don’t want to say Coach Bobby is getting old, but he was coaching at Florida State before it was a State.

MICHIGAN: The Wizard guy wanted me to say something about the Wolverines losing to Purdue at home for the first time since 1966, but I want to say something about that Michigan Coach’s wife.
That gal is uglier than homemade soap. I saw her on the Television last week, and my damn watch stopped.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are ranked the highest since 1956, hell fire I wasn’t even born then.

OREGON: So last week you beat them Trojans like a rented mule and this week you lost to team with a foam rubber tree mascot. What the hell is a going on up there?
Don’t nobody want to win yawls damn conference title?

NAVY: “Mister Wizard” didn’t pick yawl, which is stupid. I would have picked you to beat Notre Dame and I’ll tell you why.
The Navy has them SEALS and they are a bunch of bad asses, I know I seen the movie.
So of course they gonna beat some Leprechauns ass. That pick would have been easy for ole Hootie.

IOWA: I can’t believe yawl lost to a direction on the map, just another reason why the Vol’s ought to be ranked in front of them.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I got to agree with that Alabama Wizard guy, yawl should be on damn NCAA probation by now.
It’ don’t help that Coach Pete, rhymes with “Cheat”

EMAIL QUESTIONS @ ANSWERS WITH HOOTIE

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to convey to you and your informed readership of a recent development that arose after the annual “Not The World’s Largest Cocktail Party Anymore Due to Political Correctness” game between the Bulldogs from somewhere and the Grand and Glorious University of Florida Gators led by the Esteemed and World Reknowned Tim Tebow. There was a fairly inconspicuous incident that occurred on the field of play in which it was alleged that Brandon Spikes tried to poke an opposing players’ eye. As I said, “alleged.” Well, I must say that had there not been numerous replays by ESPN that no one would have ever noticed anything had happened. But, nooooooooooooo, ESPN gets a clip of a players hand from the Esteemed and Pre-eminent University of Florida entering the face mask of an opposing player and it is automatically assumed that Mr Brandon Spikes is up to no good. I can personally attest that after reviewing said play I feel that he was either trying to help adjust the opposing players contact lens or perhaps was wiping his nose, since, as you know, it is flu season.
After the media circus that was created by this obviously misinterpreted incident I recommended that Mr Spikes be suspended for the first half of the game with Vanderbilt. Soon after this announcement, for some reason, there was another uproar. Well, thank goodness that Mr Spikes saw the situation and suspended himself for the entire game. I hope this satisfies the bloodlust inspired by inferior rival schools due to the jealousy of the University of Florida being anointed as the SEC representative to the National Championship.
By the way, if you saw the illustrious Mr Spikes on the sideline of the Florida-Vandy game, he was clean shaven and no longer looks like a thug.
Thank you Mr Spikes for your assistance.
Mike Slive
President
Southeastern Conference

A: Mister President Slive that is how them damn Gators beat us Volunteers by a bunch of eye grabbing and God knows what else. Can you see fit, since you’re the President and all to give us that game since they was a cheating? Also, them Crimson Tides got a guy named after a Mountain that is bigger than a new Buick. That ain’t right neither.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been watching that Notre Dame team get beat all over the place by Navy. I mean, here’s a team with practically their own TV network, the sports outlets are always going ga-ga over them, and they’re getting beat by a service academy. Not being disrespectful to service academies, but, I mean, what the hell? I just think that they’re seriously overrated.
In fact, I think their name is about right. I don’t know what an “Ire” is, but they’re not good enough to be called a regulare “Ire”.
I think they’re just Ire-ish.
What do you think?
Timmy the Trojan, Los Angeles, California

A: I tell you what ole Hootie thinks….
You damn Trojan fans are always acting like yawl got your monkey chapped over one thing or another.
Bunch of damn cry babies is what I think…
But here’s something for your chapped monkey…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I was sittin here watchin Mr Mark May slobberin all over that cheatin Pete Carroll
after U$C Squeaked by Arizona State & I have a question.
Why does mark May wear glasses without any lenses in them?
I was just wondering cause you can see a reflection on the frame but not on any lenses.
Does he wear them like goggles in case Mr Lou Holtz slobber’s on him or is it cause he thinks wearing glasses that’s for decorations makes him look smart?
I really don’t think he’s very smart if you ask me.
I mean, he tried to make a big deal out of U$C squeaking by Notre Dumb even though they aren’t very good. What do you think?
Steve – Platte City, Missouri

A: That’s a damn fine question..
I am a guessing it’s because he wants to “look smart”.
Cause I will tell you, when Mark May starts making sense to you, it’s a sure sign that you’ve had too much to drink.

Q: You no take me serious!
Now Navy Beat Irish and that all we hear about!
I see Navy Goat mascot everywhere and it offend me and honorable family!
It even on Weather Channel!
I want NCAA to change Navy mascot, they change other schools because of offense!
I honorable business man and give you photo of my restaurant!
Send me NCAA address to change navy mascot!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I ain’t trying to tell you your business…..
But you couldn’t get somebody down South to eat in a place with name like that at gunpoint.
Kind of made me sick just looking at it..

Q: Who in the hell do you think you are?
You picked the Trojans to lose two games or “more” this year and they do, just like you picked Oklahoma to do the same.
You picked TCU and Boise State to be undefeated and they still are…
You picked Alabama and Florida to meet in Atlanta and they will…
You picked Texas to go to the National Championship game and it looks like they are on their way.
Just who do you think you are?
James – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I don’t know who he is neither…
But I heard that Wizard guy was part Secret agent and part Transformer.

Stay tuned cause I’m goin to have me an update on my “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s.

The Wizard says them picks will be out later in the week too.

Yawl have a good week now, you hear?

Hootie – Out!

Our wait has been rewarded….
No, I am not talking about Michael Jackson finally being buried….

Week One of the 2009 College Football Season is behind us….
So let’s take a quick look back at some of the games that took place over the Labor Day Weekend
and answer a few Email Questions and Answers.

Forgive me for a moment…
Before we look back at our weekend college football games I need to make a few apologizes……

WEEKEND CORRECTIONS: In no particular order…..

ARMY BLACK KNIGHTS: Who knew you could actually beat a school that didn’t have “culinary” in their school name?

IDAHO VANDELS: I have never met a potato I didn’t like…..
So what was I thinking?

NORTH ALABAMA LIONS: Shame on me for doubting the Mighty Lions…
It won’t happen again…..

LABOR DAY WEEKEND REWIND

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMEDAY:
It was great to see Coach Lee Corso back on College Gameday.
It wouldn’t have been the same without you Coach…
Welcome Back…..

ABC/ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL MUSIC INTRO:
This past weekend and presumably for the entire college football season, viewers will be forced to listen to Kenny Chesney’s nasally voice open the televised game of the week with a “song” that has nothing to do with the contest at hand.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s like this….
If I want to hear a gay guy in a cowboy hat sing…
I would prefer to listen to Elton John singing “Saturday Nights Alright for Fighting”.
At least that’s more appropriate for a college football game.

IOWA: You Hawkeyes got by the Panthers by the hair of your Chinny Chin Chin

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment….
Was not intended in any way as a reference to the San Francisco phone book….

MISSOURI: I love the Three Stooges, so I should have known better…
Sorry I doubted you MO….
Great win Tigers….

WILLIAM & MARY: I don’t know what Bill and Mary were drinking this weekend, but I do know they kicked Virginia’s butt.

THE NAVAL ACADEMY: These Midshipmen are tougher than my sister-in-law’s pot roast. And that is really saying something…

EDITORS NOTE: And as side note….
If you haven’t seen the Midshipmen play football…
Let me say this….
You don’t know what you are missing….
Midshipmen Ricky Dobbs is one of the finest college football players I have ever seen.

PENN STATE: Good to see you back on the sidelines Joe Pa…..
We missed you…

ASSUMPTION: After this past weekend….
I think we can “assume” you know how to whip some Worchester Sauces ass…

OKLAHOMA: You didn’t believe my picks this week did you?
Especially that one Sooner fan that wrote me from Kansas City….
What did I tell you?
“Don’t count the Cougars out of this one…”Enough said…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I love how the National Sports media makes San Jose State sound like the New England Patriots…

MIAMI HURRICANES: One down….three tough games in a row, to go…

COLONIAL ATHLETIC CONFERENCE: In case you weren’t keeping score…
Colonial Athletic Conference “2” – Atlantic Coast Conference “0”

OREGON: By now we have all seen the meltdown by Duck running back LeGarrette Blount after the Boise State game last Thursday night.

In case you didn’t know, he was the Oregon player that said weeks leading up to the Boise State game..
“We are going to give them (Boise State) an ass whipping”

He is the very same player that was “suspended indefinitely” earlier in the year for violating team rules.

He was being promoted by the Ducks as a Heisman Trophy candidate…..

And as you may also know….
Following the “incident” after the game….
The University of Duck “suspended” him for the season, but allowed him to stay on scholarship and practice with the football team.

National Sports Media’s Reaction……

Former Michigan Great Desmond Howard stated on ESPN’s College Gameday…
“The Boise State player had to have said something to provoke Blount.”
Howard went on to state….
“There is never any reason to taunt another player”, referring to the alleged taunt by the Boise State player that set Blount on his way to a full fledge national televised meltdown.

EDITORS NOTE: Really Desmond?
So what were you doing when you struck the Heisman pose in the Ohio State game?
Taunting or just bragging?

My Take….
Blount is a thug and a coward.
I don’t care what the Boise State player said to him…
When you run your mouth before the game, you have to take it after the game.

Although it is nice to know the University of Quack rewards bad behavior, or perhaps they are preparing him for a career in the NBA, but there is no rational reason to keep him on scholarship or on the football team.
Enough said…

SIDELINE REPORTERS: Holly Rowe is the best sideline reporter in the Business.
Period…..
And as a side note: The people that write ugly things about her weight in blogs should be ashamed of themselves.
It just goes to show you how ugly some people can act…..

ESPN PART II: Just a reminder for College Football Commentator Mark Jones…..
This is College Football, not the Snoop Diggity Dog Show….
So drop the ear ring while you are on television jackass…

MICHIGAN: This past week a number of current and former wolverine players have stated that Coach Rich Rod routinely violates NCAA rules related to the time student athletes can spend on football related activities.

I found the National Sports Media’s reaction to this story interesting….

National Sports Media’s Reaction……

MARK MAY of ESPN: “Listen people; everybody does it, this isn’t a big deal”

JOHN SAUNDERS of ABC: “It sounds like some disgruntled student athletes to me, because everybody in college football does it.”

My Take……
So is that how it is when something happens north of the Ohio River?
“Everybody does it”
Meanwhile, the NCAA is trying to price the cost of “Live Bait” for three Crimson Tide players to repay the cost of a fishing trip and calling it “entertainment”.
But still not a word on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans….
We see how it is….
NCAA rules only apply to the Universities in the South……

ABC COLLEGE FOOTBALL: What in the Holy name of Darrell Royal is Bob Griese doing commentating on a college football game?
He not only doesn’t know anything, he doesn’t even suspect anything either.

CONGRATULATIONS…..
Congratulations to former Ohio State Buckeye Great Chris Spielman for being selected for induction into the College Football Hall of Fame.
He has always been a Class act on and off the field, this award is richly deserved.
And as a side note….
I hope Chris’s beautiful bride, Miss Stefanie starts feeling better real soon.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS WEEK ONE “UPSET SPECIAL”……In case you didn’t notice…
Not only did your favorite college football prognosticator pick Baylor over Wake Forest last week in the “Upset Special” but hit the score right on the money as well.
No need to thank me…..
It’s what I do..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I have a question that I hope you can answer.
I enjoy reading your articles and I really like the new website, but each time I read one of your articles, I see you writing your article while riding a unicorn through clouds that look a lot like cotton candy.
Is this normal?
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: I don’t know which is more disturbing…
The email or your name…

Q: Mike, what is the deal with all these short receivers in the Southeastern Conference?
The running backs aren’t much bigger either, so is this some kind of a trend?
Ted – Fredericksburg, Virginia

A: Ted, it doesn’t matter if you are two inches taller than an Umpa Lumpa, as long as you are faster than a speeding bullet.

Q: Dear Sir,
I am a fan of Oregon and have the following question.
Our star running back LeGarette Blount, AKA Run El Gee Bee, has been suspended for the season. I think this punishment was way too severe considering the guy he allegedly punched was able to walk away afterward.
Also, those Boise State fans were taunting this poor young man……
How could you expect him to behave himself in such a hostile environment?
With this in mind, what are the chances that Oregon could maybe redshirt this fine upstanding young man so that he could come back and play next year?
Chip – Eugene, Oregon

A: What are the chances of reinstating him?
I would say the chances are Slim and None and Slim has left town…

Q: Hey Mister Damn Knows it all!
We is on our way to the National Championship, so how you a liking them apples?
The Tennessee Vols done went an beat one whole side of Kentucky last week!
I believe it was the whole western part of the state!
I ain’t sure if that includes Lousiville, but I am pretty sure it includes Paducah.
Imagine what we a going to do the rest of the year!
Go Vols!
Scooter Cooter – Twisted Branch, Tennessee

A: Tennessee Fans should really look into getting “Spell Check”….

Q: Mike now that your website is getting more and more popular…
Have you been approached by any advertisers?
We love the website by the way!
Barbara – Ardmore, Oklahoma

A: Thank you Barbara for the kind words…
As you know the economy is in a tight spot…..
So advertising is hard to come by these days….
However I have been approached by Yoder’s Meat and Cheese Company….

Nothing says goodness….
Like canned Amish Meat and Cheese…
It’s fun for the whole family…

http://www.yodersmeatshoppe.com/prime-meat.php

Stop laughing I am serious…

Your picks will be out later in the week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Before we kickoff the 2009 College Football Season this week…
We have a few things to discuss…

We have some college football news and some of your College Football Kickoff Email Question and Answers.
Look at this segment as a warm-up before the opening game…
Minus the jumping jacks and all the sweating..

Enjoy!

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: Amazing…
The NCAA has finally cleared Volunteer running back Bryce Brown to play football.
The “investigation” was reported to have begun last season when Brown was still in high school and the controversy was concerning his reported dealings with a person handling his recruitment.

EDITORS NOTE: Let me be sure that I understand this correctly…
The NCAA has enough “investigators” that they can trail a high school player and stalk Alabama football players on fishing trips, but they can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s momma’s house?

MICHIGAN: This past weekend….
The Detroit Free Press reported that several wolverine football players have stated that Coach Rod and his staff routinely violate NCAA rules in regard to time limits on practice and football related activities.
Specifically…
Players from the 2008 and 2009 teams told the Detroit Free Press for a story published on the newspaper’s Web site on Saturday that the amount of time they spend on football activities during the season and in the offseason greatly exceeds the limits. The players spoke to the newspaper on condition of anonymity because they feared repercussions from coaches.

As you might imagine…
Coach Rod and Michigan Compliance Director Judy “Which way did they go?” Van Horn had a different perspective.
“We know the practice and offseason rules and we stay within the guidelines,” Rodriguez’s statement reads. “We follow the rules and have always been completely committed to being compliant with all NCAA rules.”
“During the season, the NCAA limits ‘countable’ practice activities to 20 hours per week,” Van Horn’s statement reads. “There are activities that don’t count, such as rehab and getting taped. We educate our coaching staffs and student-athletes [in all sports] to keep everyone informed of the rules. Also, compliance and administrative staff conduct in-person spot checks of practice during the academic year and summer.
We have not had any reason to self-report any violations in this area with any of our sports.”

EDITORS NOTE: Now that we have an “issue” north of the Ohio River it will be interesting to see how fast the NCAA is going to move on this one..

MICHIGAN II: In an effort to draw attention away from his recent shenanigans…
Coach Rod stated this past week that he wants pre-season games to be added to the NCAA college football schedule to help them prepare for the upcoming season.

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Coach Rod…
There is a place where they have Pre-Season Football games…
It’s called the N-F-L…dumbass.

FLORIDA STATE: You have to hand it to the Seminoles…
Like their namesakes they will not yield and they will not surrender.

As you may already know….
Judge John Copper ruled the NCAA must release all documents related to the investigation into Florida State University to comply with the State of Florida Law regarding open records.

The Judge’s decision wasn’t personal….
It was to comply with the law of the state of Florida

Yet, the attorney representing the NCAA…
Ms Linda Salfrink, lashed out at Florida State over the ruling stating..
“If they (Florida State University) don’t want to follow the rules, they don’t need to be a member.”

The Tallahassee Democrat emailed NCAA spokesperson Stacey Osburn several times asking if Salfrink’s statement represented the organization’s official stance.
Osburn has yet to reply…..

Joe Jacquot, the Chief of Staff for Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum said this is not a matter of FSU having a choice between state law and the NCAA rules.

“Absolutely they have to follow the state law,” Jacquot said. “In the end, the state law, the public records law, is there to protect Florida institutions and the Florida people.”

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA doesn’t feel like it has to comply with state laws..
But everybody must submit to their rules, is that about it?

My friends, it is time we do exactly what attorney Linda Skank Face said….
We don’t need to be members…

It’s time we secede from this one sided dictatorship…..
Coach Bobby, can I get an Amen?

OKLAHOMA: This past week….
The Sooners reported a handful of minor NCAA rules violations, mostly dealing with what the university describes as inadvertent phone calls or text messages by various coaches.

The Associated Press obtained documents on Friday detailing the secondary violations through an open records request.

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA didn’t have a problem with the “Open Records” law in Oklahoma? Makes you wonder what the NCAA is hiding in the Florida State “investigation, doesn’t it?

GEORGIA: My Dear Bulldog faithful….
It’s time to get your Media Guide in order in regard to scores of last years games..
You know what I am talking about…
I have too much respect for Lewis to say their name…
But you have to do the right thing.

ALABAMA: The NCAA is reported to be “investigating” the University of Alabama football program over three players going fishing with one of the player’s next door neighbor.

Yes, I am serious….

But let me answer your questions now…
The gentleman that took the boys fishing was not an alumni or a booster of the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the boys fishing has never attended nor do any of his children attend the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the boys fishing was in no way connected in any way with the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the three boys fishing was a next door neighbor to the parents of one of the players he took fishing.
That’s it…..

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA is concerned about when and where Alabama Football Players go fishing, but they aren’t concerned about New Era Sports Agents at U$C?

My Friends you know how I feel….
Secede from the NCAA now…..

ESPN: You may have heard…
This past week Coach Lou Holtz picked the Notre Dame Fighting Irish to play the Florida Gators for the National Championship and subsequent Glass Football in Pasadena California in January 2010.

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know what Coach Lou has been drinking….
But I do know that it will make you crazy as hell….

OKLAHOMA STATE: I never thought I would be saying this….
The Cowboys from Stillwater have abandoned one of their traditions….

It’s true…..
The Cowboys have entered Boone Pickens Stadium to Aerosmith blaring “Back in the Saddle Again” since the song was released back in the 70’s.

In fact, enjoy the video below of their “Old” Entrance before we continue this discussion.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now the administration wants to change all that….

John Martin, who happens to be a graduate of Baylor University…
Wrote “Cowboys Forever” and somehow sold the idea to the University Administration to replace the Aerosmith opening with this ridiculous Disney / Jonas Brothers / Country Pop crap.

The words to the song alone are enough to make me retch….

COWBOYS FOREVER

The prairie wind touches our skin
Another maverick morning begins
Wild west eyes rise before the sun
We are young guns on the run
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
Stay here today, gone tomorrow
The open range is our home
All that we own lives inside our soul
We are cowboy to the bone
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
Riding Bullet across the plains
To avenge our kin’s blood and name
In bedlam we will rise and stand
With strength and honor to defend our land
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
We are, we are
Cowboys forever

Go to www.johnmartinlive.com/lyrics/

And listen for yourself…..

Are we to believe this was meant to inspire the crowd?
Is this intended to get the team motivated when they come out of the tunnel and hit the field?

This has caused a great deal of hate and discontent with Cowboy fans across the nation.
And I can’t blame them….

But thank God for college students….
Enjoy the brief parody of “Cowboys Forever” produced by some college students in Stillwater…
It is priceless….

Click here to view the embedded video.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS: In the immortal words of Gomer Pyle…
“Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!”

Without ever playing a down thus far in the season the Trojan loving writers of the College Football News have decided that the U$C Trojans will play in the National Championship game…

EDITORS NOTE: Keep in mind…
These are the same guys…
That back in the 80’s would argue that Boy George and George Michael weren’t gay…..
Bet they still have their posters hanging in their mom’s garage..
Enough said…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD CORRECTION:
When I am wrong I admit it…
In the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza I named a number of college football “commentators” that were “the worst in all of college football.”
Then I got the news last week..
That in the CBS pregame college football studio will be none other than…
Fat Phil Fulmer…

Enough said…
My apologizes to all the names mentioned in my earlier article.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exception to the above apology: Pam Ward of ESPN.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL RUMOR:
There is no truth to the rumor that NASA is going to use Fat Phil Fulmer’s ass to plug the depleted ozone layer in the earth’s atmosphere.
This is an ugly rumor….
I know for a fact that NASA doesn’t have a rocket big enough to accomplish the mission.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding.

NCAA: You have time to watch high school kids play football and hide in the bushes while football players are fishing with their neighbors, but after four damn years you still can’t tell us anything about the Reggie Bush and Southern California Trojan Investigation?

EDITORS NOTE: If you think I am going to let this go…
You got another thing coming…

ESPN II: As a side note….
I hope we see Lee Corso on ESPN Gameday in Atlanta this weekend..
You better be there coach, it won’t be the same without you.

Pre-Season Kickoff Email Questions & Answers

Q: Mister Wizerd –
We presented our pertetions to you concerning takin that Hootie Snitch off-n your website. He is a makin all the Tennesse Vol fans look straight up inorant!
Everybody done went an signed it in our town, even Herbert Moore, he’s the mayor.
So, please take that Hootie Snitch often the website before he makein us Vol fans look any more stupid and dumb than he already has.
Sinserely –
Claudette and Gladis Hogwaller – Briar Switch, Tennessee

A: Honestly, I am speechless.

Q: I write you again because I no hear back from you.
This is Ding Dung and we want NCAA to change military academies mascots!
Where address to write to NCAA!
Military Mascots make us feel demeaned and make us think on bad times in Vietnam.
How you send NCAA address to me?
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: What is this National Illiteracy Week?

Q: Your racist banter is out of line and clearly out of touch with today’s climate.
You don’t understand that people of all races and creeds and color, religion or sexual identity have an equal place in our world.
There is simply no place for racist rants such as yours in our world.
If you do not want to be boycotted by our organization I suggest you make a drastic change to your content in future writings.
“Our Harmony is Our Dream”
Gay and Lesbian Alliance – Los Angles, California

A: O.K, you want sensitive? I’ll give you sensitive..
So a Lesbian, and Arab and a Rabbi walk into this bar…

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
So I hear your “friend” President Myles Brand has pancreatic cancer.
I didn’t know a gerbil could get to the pancreas from the rectum.
Dr. Paul – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Well Doctor Paul….
Myles has had his head up there since he was President of Indiana University…
So I would imagine you could fit a Buick up there by now…

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can answer for me.
Baseball has a “Field of Dreams”, does football have anything like that?
Debbie – Mobile, Alabama

A: Football does have a “Field of Dreams” Debbie…
It’s in a little town called Parkersburg Iowa….
They call it Ed Thomas Field….

Your Week One College Football Picks will be out tomorrow morning…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB