It’s Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer Country in Baneberry Tennessee!

I ain’t been a writing cause I’ve been busier than a dog with two tails to chase.
I done finished up a “Christmas Special” for Dollywood called…
“Who Let the Clogs Out”

And….

I still got “Scooter’s” Bar and Grill in Baneberry and some more stuff I will tell you about later.

But we got to talk serious…..
Cause I am here to bring you the State of the Big Orange Nation Address

State of the Big Orange

If you ain’t a Tennessee Volunteer and if you and your babies don’t drool Orange then you might as well as a stop reading, cause this is all about the Big Orange Nation.

Now I know that we Vols ain’t been winning like we was when the Greatest Coach to ever win a Hot Dog Eating Contest Coach Phillip Fulmer stomped the sidelines, but that damn Lame Kitten done screwed us up when he was here and we is paying the price for that mistake.

Just look at this damn picture…..
You can tell Lame and them two idiots next to him ain’t seen the ball since kickoff.

Lame Kitten didn’t belong in Tennessee anymore than Mike Tyson belongs on “Celebrity Jeopardy” and he recruited some boys that were so dumb….
They couldn’t even spell football if you spotted them the “O’s” and the “L’s”.

I mean how damn dumb do you have to be to rob somebody in broad daylight wearing your Tennessee Vol’s practice uniform? At least Coach Fulmer had the good sense to tell them boys to wear a ski mask.

And that damn Athletic Director we had Mike Hamilton, I could have told you not to trust that goober pea. Never trust a man that looks like a Possum. Every time I seen him on the television he was always acting like he was a hunting a sweet potato, know what I mean?

We now got everything in place; we got us a good football coach and a good athletic director.

Remember, Rome Georgia wasn’t built in a day.

And let me tell, we just ain’t been bit by the “injury bug” this year, it’s been a damn plague.
It’s been so damn bad…..
Coach Dooley had to call some fraternity houses on campus last week to get a damn kicker.

So we Vols have had our selves a mountain to climb this year.

But let me tell you something and listen good.

Although me and that damn CFB Wizard don’t see eye to eye on the college football…
Or anything else for that matter.
I got to admit that ole boy is right about one thing.

We ain’t had no arrests this year of any Tennessee football players, not one.

I can’t remember the last time we didn’t have something going on with the Knoxville PD, the Knoxville Fire Department, the Tennessee Highway Patrol, DEA, ATF or the Coast Guard.

Can you?

Which goes to show you that Coach Dooley ain’t putting up with that kind of foolishness.

And I for one am glad and you should be too.

So let’s be patient Big Orange Fans

And let me say a few more things, about yawl that is frustrated and raising ten kinds of Hell about this football season getting liquored up in “Scooter’s” which is my Bar in Grill right here in Baneberry Tennessee.

Show your Tennessee Volunteer Big Orange Spirit!

To show my Volunteer Pride me and my bride (The former Miss Thelma Stroderback who is a hand model for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store, jealous?) went and done decorated our house, hell yeah we done it! And we went whole Hog; we matched the truck with the house, that’s cool as hell ain’t it?

I will tell you something else. The Coaches we got now ain’t just cleaning up the football program, they is cleaning up the football players too.

Don’t you start a laughing about this neither, have you ever been around some ole sweating fellow that’s been a working and a sweating all day? It smells like my Mother-in-laws Tuna Noodle Helper Spam Loaf Casserole, which she is supposed to bring over for Thanksgiving this year.
I could damn near throw up just a thinking about it.

So let’s get behind the Big Orange this year Volunteer Fans, there is plenty of football left to be played and if we win the rest of the games we is going Bowling!

It’s like the sign in the Volunteer locker room says….

BELIEVE IT!

GO VOLS!

Hootie-Out!

It’s your ole boy Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer country right here in Baneberry Tennessee!

Not only am I a bringing yawl the “Big Orange Report”…….
But I got me an “All Access” pass behind the scenes with Coach Derek Drooley!

Hell Yeah!

The BIG Orange Report

I was going to name this the “All Orange” report but then that Mister Wizard said I couldn’t do it cause it may confuse folks cause there is other “orange” teams. Then I was a wanting to argue that there is only One Orange and that’s the BIG Orange and then he give me this to watch…..
Cause he says Auburn is orange too…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now you know why I don’t tailgate with any of them auburn fans.
They ain’t sophisticated like us Tennessee Volunteers!
Mountain Dew and a damn lizard ain’t good tailgating food!
There wasn’t a beer to be seen in that whole damn thing!

Let’s get to the Big Orange Report before I throwed up from that video

The 2011 Volunteers is bigger, faster and smarter than they was last year.
And even though we got the toughest schedule in the whole nation with games against…

LSU (Now that we learned to count to “11” this year, yawl is going to lose)
Florida (Damn Gators)
Alabama (Damn them all)
Arkansas (I think them Hog hats look stupid)
Georgia (I hate everyone of yawl)
South Carolina (Colonel Sanders called he wants his mascot back)
Vanderbilt (Them smart kids are going to get a ass whopping)
Kentucky (I guarantee a win here)

Then our out of conference schedule get’s even worse with games against..

Middle Tennessee State (Which like a “rival” game)
Montana (They is called the Grizzlies for a reason, their cheerleaders look like bears)
The we got games against two NFL teams and I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone scheduled the Volunteers to play Cincinnati and Buffalo.
Don’t worry we ain’t scared.
We going to win them games too.
You can bet your Slim Jim on it!

Here is my prediction for the season.
Hold on to your seat, this one is going to be a shocker!

The Tennessee Volunteers are going to undefeated this year, win the SEC Championship and be in the BCS Championship game and make the NFL playoffs after they whoop Cincinnati and Buffalo.

It’s Football Time in Tennessee so get ready!

All Access with Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley

As the Biggest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity to follow Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley around practice for a day and set in the front row when Coach Drooley talked to the media folks (Like me)

He even let me take some pictures and I am fixing to show them to you.
It was an awesome day!

Let me tell you what I learned about Coach Drooley….
He is sharp as a damn tack…
During practice he keeps his eyes on everything and he don’t miss nothing!

He even spotted some dog do-do on the football field before somebody stepped in it

I bet Smokey slipped off down there and did his business on the practice field

He showed them Boys how to do a push-up too cause most of them don’t know nothing like that

After looking at this picture again….I might have these things out of order….
This might have been about the time Coach Drooley spotted the dog do-do.

Coach Drooley is a “coach” and teacher….
He takes time with them players like nothing I ever seen before!
Like during the media conference Coach Drooley was a telling them folks in the audience how he shows them boys “how to hold a hamburger”

And how to hold one of them cell phones when you is talking on it

And Coach has ALWAYS been a caring person like that with his players.
He showed me this picture in his office when he was coaching at Louisiana Tech about a kicker that he had that was cross-eyed as a Siamese cat and couldn’t hit the uprights to save his life.

Well before that ole boy would go out there to kick…..
Coach Drooley would start reminding him what the goal post looked like and where to kick the ball

And guess what?
After 116 tries that kicker done split the uprights and got him an extra point! I call that Coaching!

I got to run, the wife is a hollering about something…
I am a going to be back after the first game with some of my “insight” into the games and a surprise or two for yawl! So hang on and get ready for the Damn VOLS!

GO VOLS!
Hootie-Out!

Coming to you from the heart of Volunteer Country!
Right here in Baneberry Tennessee!

I done wrote me a Christmas Story and I got some other stuff too…..

It’s like the “Night Before Christmas”…..

But think of it as the Tennessee version…

It’s awesome as hell….

Yawl Enjoy….

Hootie’s Night Before Christmas

Was the night afore Christmas
And up in the holler
I was lookin’ for neighbors,
I needed a dollar.

The dog was all curled up
down under the house.
So dadgum cold,
shacked up with a mouse.

My sweatsocks were nailed up
on the livin room wall.
In hopes that ole Fulmer Claus
would fill ‘em all.

Now Thelma, my bride,
Was havin a fit.
Pulled out her last ciggy
She just got it lit

Said “Hootie, dadgummit,
I’m outta my pack
Go down to the store,
And hurry right back”

I was on my dirt road
And I heard a big racket
Reached down in my pocket
To make sure I was packin.

I peeked round the barn
Scared outta my wits
If its them Caufield boys,
I’ll blow ‘em to bits.

The moon was real big
I could see for a mile
The hog pen was empty
I was skeered for a while

The John Deere was shinin
By light of the moon.
I new Fulmer Claus
Would be here real soon.

Then all of a sudden
Heard a big Briggs & Stratton
Then I saw a fat figure
He sounded like Patton.

Hang On…..

I was a going to finish this but I slipped on the ice in front of the trailer house and I busted my ass.
Now I’m layed up and Thelma is raising nine kinds of hell cause I ain’t got the Pabst Blue Ribbon lighted Christmas sign up in the window and…
Our genuine lighted University of Tennessee Volunteers blow-up Christmas globe in the front yard ain’t got no air in it and it looks kind of saggy.

Then to make matters worse……

My in-laws is a coming for Christmas and they is judgmental as hell….
I know damn well they didn’t want Thelma to marry Ole Hootie….
And My Mother in Law makes what she calls a “traditional” Christmas dish….
What it is a….
Tuna Noodle Helper Spam Loaf Casserole

I don’t need to tell you when that thing is a cooking….
The whole trailer house smells like a damn Port O’ John at a construction site….

And if that ain’t bad enough…..

Thelma’s half brother is a coming too…..
Cody thinks he is some kind of singer and the family put up the money so they boy could have a album, CD or what the hell ever…..

I promised Thelma I would help “promote it” so here is the cover of the album….
So here you go…

That boy is cross eyed as a Siamese cat, ain’t he?

He don’t singer no better than he looks either and you better believe that too!

I know this…..
Christmas sure is complicated when you got In-Laws….

But enough of my complaining….

Merry Christmas Yawl and a Happy New Year in 2011 when the Vols are going to be Number Damn One team in the Country!

Hootie- Out!

And I got me a royal case of the red ass….

And I will tell you why….

First off I’m a sitting here in my bar “Scooters” located in Baneberry Tennessee right next to Frank’s Fireworks Stand and before yawl even write me I know the damn sign on my bar is missing the last “S” in Scooter’s. That ole boy that put it together has got himself a prosthetic eye, I heard he lost it in a weed eater accident and he don’t see so good, so that’s why it’s a missing the last “S”.

But I’m here a nursing me a hangover from hell…
Because of the last two damn weeks of Tennessee Volunteer football.

If you don’t know what I mean, then here you go…

Two weeks ago….
The Volunteers got cheated out of a damn game with them Oregon Ducks..
How do I know that?
Let me tell you….

What do Ducks like? “Water” am I right?
You damn right I’m a right on that one!
So the Volunteers was a handling them Ducks pretty good and a winning the game….
Until it started to rain, that’s right I said RAIN…
Well, that is unfair as hell!
Because that was a when them damn Ducks took off!

What they should have done was stopped the game until it quit raining!
Because it ain’t fair to try and catch ducks in the rain and it don’t make good sense neither!
Them damn Pack 10 referees ain’t worth a tinkers damn if you ask me!
So they basically gave the game to the Ducks…..

Then this past Saturday the damn Urban Gators come to town….
We had us about ten chances to win that game, we damn sure did..
And couldn’t do it cause the Gators cheat like hell and the referees are all on their side cause they probably live down in Florida.

On top of all of that I went to both of them games and felt like me and my wife got cheated on our tickets cause…
a whole bunch of Volunteer fans started leaving in the third quarter in both of them games.

So I asked one of them “so called Tennessee fans” during the Florida game,
if they bought a ticket for half the game and they started a cussing a blue streak and having a full blown hissy fit.
So I accused him of being a Gator fan in Vol clothes!
Which I don’t know if it’s true or not but it’s all I could come with at the time.
And you know what?
Me and the Mrs. Thelma Stroderback –Snitch still don’t know if there is a damn ticket for only half the game at Tennessee?

So there you have it…
Now even though I ain’t too happy about right now…
I am still a going to answer some of my fans questions cause I know yawl want to know what’s on Ole Hootie’s mind.

Hootie’s Email Questions

Q: Hootie I got a question for you
I know there all kinds of turf now days in college football…
But which do you like better artificial turf or natural grass?
GO VOLS!
Jimmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I don’t know Jimmy I ain’t never smoked any artificial turf

Q: Hey Hootie!
Hey I noticed the new Tennessee Volunteer helmets have a “T” on the front of the helmet,
when it used to say “Vols”, is there a reason for the change?
Tina – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: As you know Tina, Coach Drooly is trying to put more emphasis on the education for the players,
so they put the “T” on the front because it stands for “Knowledge”.
They say it makes them players smarter…

Q: Hey Hootie! How Bout them Gators!
Randy – Gainesville, Florida

A: Let me tell you something Randy…
You don’t want to go to “Fist City” with me boy!
I can’t even walk around Baneberry with my hands in my pockets
because the Police will arrest me for concealing two deadly weapons, so you better watch your damn mouth!
Smartass Gator…

Q: Hootie –
Now that you have your bar off its wheels and in a permanent location…
what have you been up to other than supporting the Big Orange?
Do you still work at Dollywood?
Roy – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thanks for asking Roy, that last email made my red ass flare up…
Well me and the Miss’s are a running “Scooters” and she is still doing her hand modeling for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store and she is still writing some songs and driving a Baneberry school bus.
The Dollywood show I was in “Who Let the Clogs out?” closed up at the end of the summer.
But I got me a “new” audition coming up at Dollywood for the musical “Phantom of the Oprah”

Q: Give it to us straight Hootie!!!!
As a loyal died in the wool, your blood bleeds orange Tennessee Volunteer Fan..
What do you think about our Football Coach?
“The Boy’s” from Big Ed’s Tire and Appliance, Johnson City, Tennessee

A: Well Boys….
I think Coach Drooly is doing fine, for now….
And I know we can’t get Coach Phil Fulmer back,
because he took that job as “The Ambassador of Lard” for the Tennessee Pride Sausage Company.
But like everybody else I have a Dream…..
That one day….
In the not too distant future….
“He” will come home to Coach the Volunteers
I get misty eyed every time I look at this picture…

One last thing…
Don’t yawl dare forget about my Celebrity Golf Tournament coming up on the 16th of October during the Volunteers bye week.
It’s going to be held right here in Baneberry Tennessee and most of the money is going to a worthy cause.
It’s to help my momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

See yawl there!

Hootie Out!

That’s right it’s your ole buddy Hootie Snitch!

Coming to you from right here in beautiful Baneberry Tennessee!
It’s smack dab in the heart of Volunteer Country!
Go BIG Orange!

I know yawl have been a missing me and a wondering what ole Hootie has been doing!
So kick your shoes off and relax, we got some catching up to do…

First things First….
Before I go talking about my personal life…

I got something I need to talk with yawl about…

Yawl saw that beautiful “Welcome to Baneberry” sign I got on here….
And you probably noticed underneath it a sign about the Baneberry Golf Resort..

Well that is what I want to talk with yawl about…

I am having me a Golf Fundraiser to help fight Hoof and Mouth Disease
It’s a going to be Saturday October 16th (It’s the Vol’s Bye week)

I am doing this to help my Momma who contradicted the disease from a chewing her toenails from being nervous and a wondering if the folks at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum and Gift shop in Chattanooga Tennessee was going to put her on the ballot this year for the Hall of Fame.

Now here is what you need to know if you want to take part in a worthy cause
And meet the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
By the way…. Autographs and pictures are Free!!!

Yawl need to know that the Baneberry Golf Resort really ain’t a “Golf Resort”
We play Golf on the back forty of Humpy Johnsons farm and instead of them sissy golf carts
we ride four wheelers, Hell Yeah we do!

Some folks have golf clubs and other folks just bring a shotgun to see if they can hit the golf ball in the air. So bring whatever you got….
A damn good time is gonna be had by everybody!

Entry fee is twenty dollars and a 12 pack of beer, preferably Budweiser.
The beer will help keep Humpy Johnson liquored up and keeps him from shooting at us
and the twenty dollars goes to help my Momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

I will have some “surprise” celebrities there too!
See yawl there!

Now for the really “Big News”
Them rumors are true…..

I done went and got myself hitched to a local “super-model”…..
It was legal and everything…
We got hitched by an Elvis preacher up there in Gatlinburg to the sounds of “Heartbreak Hotel”
It was about the most romantic thing I ever seen…

Now for those of you that “don’t” know who she is….
The Mrs. James “Hootie” Snitch is none other than “The” Thelma Stroderback who is the famous hand model in them ads for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store.

If you have seen them ads then you have seen my gal’s hands lifting fertilizer bags, and holding a Power Take Off for a Massey Ferguson Tractor and a bunch of other pictures too.

I don’t need to tell you she is drop damn dead good looking, cause she is
And she’s got hands big as a first baseman’s glove.
But I ain’t about to show a picture of her now, no sir, not yet anyway.
And you better believe she is a BIG Tennessee VOL Fan!
Hell yeah!
That just makes us the perfect match!

Guess what else Thelma does?
Go ahead and guess?
She only wrote and sang a country song that went to “Number damn One”
as the most requested song on our Baneberry Country Station for FOUR weeks in a row!
It’s called: “You are one more lie away from me kicking your ass out of the house”

In case some you don’t follow country music; It’s a love song…

We followed up our wedding by having our honeymoon at the famous Baneberry Bed and Breakfast Inn, located just outside the city limits. I am telling you, if you come down here for the Golf Tournament you got to stay there, it ain’t nothing but first class all the way.
Here is a little picture of our “Honeymoon Cabin”….

Now I know the news of my nuptials upsets you lady readers that Ole Hootie is off the market…
And I can almost hear the wailing and crying from here…
But yawl got to understand, this is like Brad Pitt marrying Angelina what’s her name….
We is like two celebrities that was just meant to be together.…

One More piece of News…
I done went and moved “Snitch’s Bar and Grill”
From out of the previously owned double wide trailer and into town in a cinder block building!
Hell yeah I did!

That’s where we had our wedding reception and it was all in Tennessee Orange!
It even matched the outside the building!

But just so’s you know I will be making a name change to the business too
It is going to be called “Scooters” (after my Daddy)

I changed the name cause…
All them NCAA investigators that have poking around the Vols
have been a showing up at my bar looking for information because my place is called Snitch’s….
If you come down here for my Golfing Tournament to help my Momma with the Hoof and Mouth Disease
you can wet your whistle at the “new” Scooters.

Now for the Good Stuff…..

IT’S FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE!!!!!!

Now I got my own preseason guesses as to how this season is a going to go
and I am a going to give you the business right now.
So you better be ready!

The 2010 Conference Champs

The Big 10

That’s up north and I don’t know what’s big about it unless you’re talking about the women.
So I don’t care…..

The Big 12

Yawl count even worse than them folks in the Big 10 cause you ain’t got 12 teams in your conference,
so I don’t care about yawl neither.

Atlantic Coast of Conference

I drove down to the Atlantic Ocean when I went to the “Cooter Festival” down in South Carolina
It wasn’t nothing to write home about and it smelled like a paper mill.

Conference USA

I never even heard of this one, it sounds made up

The Big East

The east ain’t big…
It’s just a direction on the damn map which makes them sound plain stupid if you ask me.

The Pacific Athletic Conference of Ten

Yawl got Lame Kitten as a coach out there and he is dumber than hell for leaving the Volunteers,
so yawl is dumber than hell for taking him. That’s all I got to say about that..

Plus, Thelma and I agree that Coach Ogeron looks like a Poland China hog going off to market..

The SEC Champs

Let me tell you straight…
The Tennessee Volunteers were only eighteen plays away last year from a National Championship
and we played Alabama down to the damn wire, which kind of makes us Number two in the country, if you know what I mean.
Now that I stated them facts, let me tell you how this is a going to go…

Coach Drooly has them boys in Orange primed and I do mean primed…
For a run at the National Championship this year!

Florida won’t be a problem since Tim what’s his damn face left

Alabama ain’t got nothing and everybody else on the schedule is an easy “W” for the VOLS!

The way I see it, after we beat whoever in Atlanta for the SEC Championship, Hell yeah!

Then we will play somebody that ain’t as good as us and we will be the National Champs!
Hell I can’t wait! It’s going to be AWESOME!

I will answer my emails and have some other stuff out for yawl later….
My woman is a hollering for me, so I got to go…

More later

GO VOLS!

Hootie- Out!

It’s Hootie Snitch!
The Number damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

There has been a lot happening!

The Tennessee Vols is State Champions!

Hell Yeah!

Also I got some Big News about my brand damn new place “Snitch’s”
It’s in a previously owned double wide just off the bypass
Right here in Baneberry Tennessee…

It is freaking awesome!

I even got me some emails to answer too

And it wouldn’t be Christmas without a surprise now would it?
Ole Hootie got yawl a surprise that Alabama guy don’t know nothing about..

So kick off your shoes and make yourself at home…

TENNESSEE VOLS and the NCAA

So them damn Yankees don’t like the University of Tennessee having some “hostesses”?
You want to know why?
I am fixing to tell you
Cause all them gals up north…..
don’t shave their legs or arm pits and wear perfume that smells like bug repellent.
Not to mention they always have about ten layers of clothes on cause it’s always cold enough up there to freeze a brass monkey.
They is prejudice that we got all the good looking women down South.
That’s what it is….
So I say lets send them a bunch of them Lady Schick razors, a bushel basket of makeup
And some perfumes that don’t smell like cat urine and see if that don’t improve the scenery up there.

SNITCH’S BAR & GRILL

You might notice I put the “Bar and Grill” behind the name of my new place.
It sounds classy don’t it?
I did that because I got a “Bar” and I “grill” the best damn Possum wings in the county!
So it just kind of made sense.
Plus I ain’t got no “infringement” problems like I did with them Hooter’s people
Anyways….

I had the Grand Opening a few weeks ago and guess who showed up?
Go ahead and guess!
Guess again!
I’ll tell you!
Only the greatest Coach ever to wear an Orange!
Coach Phil Fulmer himself!
He showed up cause everybody knows he’s a Snitch…..
And I heard he was part Ratt on my momma’s side too!

Coach even helped us string some lights outside of the new place
And decorate our tree Christmas tree!

It’s awesome as hell ain’t it!

Coach Phil even “Volunteered” (get it!) to be the Santa at Snitch’s
Because folks coming in here to get their “Drink on” with their kids in tow, need something to keep them young’uns occupied.
But we had us an incident so that didn’t pan out…
This one kid come in with his momma, he was about six years old
He smelled like wet cotton candy and baloney….
And before I could say “Tennessee Volunteers are Number Damn One!”
Coach Phil had a hold of that little boy and was fixing to eat him….

I don’t blame Coach Phil; he’s got what they call a sugar condition.

But before I give you yawls Christmas Surprise…
I got do something for my partners in crime
This here is a picture of my two running partners Skeeter and Tater
Folks around here call us the “Three Amigo’s” and some people think them boys look like Brad Pitt and that Clooney fellow.
I figured it wouldn’t hurt to put a picture of them in here for Christmas.
That’s them taking a break on the front porch of Snitch’s when we was fixing it up
Merry Christmas Boys!

One more thing…
If any of yawl is still looking for that “special” gift for Christmas
Come on down to “Snitch’s” for some gift certificates!
I got certificates for Possum Wings and Barbequed Muskrat nuggets!
If yawl is wondering if my food is any good?
Look no further than the Baneberry Health Department
They come by and inspected my place and gave me a “D” for Delicious!

And don’t forget to check out the website of my favorite Gift Shop!
The International Tow Truck Hall of Fame Museum Hall of Fame and Gift Shop!

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

If you is real lucky you might find a shirt like this one!

HOOTIE’S CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

I promised yawl a Christmas surprise and I bet you can’t guess what it is?
Go ahead and guess!
Guess again!
I’ll tell you!
At the “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s I invited everybody on my dating site
“Disharmony Dot Com”
And guess who showed up?
Bet you can’t guess?
The Sister-in-Law of the Alabama guy that writes this here column!
She rode down from Kentucky with some other gals and let me tell you something,,,
That gal has got the personality of a jackass eating briars!
But I done went and got a picture of her!

She told me she combs her back like that to cover them “calcium deposits”
And believe it or not…somewhere underneath all that hair is a tube top.

HOOTIES EMAIL

Q: Dear Sir –
My wife and I are traveling to Volunteer Country during Christmas to see the beauty of the Mountains,
and I have a question that I hope you can help us out with.
We understand that shouting “Ho Ho Ho!” has an entirely different meaning in Volunteer Country is that true?
We certainly wouldn’t want offend anyone.
The Dillon’s- Cincinnati, Ohio

A: You ain’t got to be all formal! Just call me Hootie…
Anyways….
I don’t know about offended anybody….
But if you come in the door of Snitch’s and shout “Ho Ho Ho!”
Every woman in the place will turn around….
I like to think of it as an ice breaker…

Q: Hey Hootie!
The Boys and I at the plant have a question for you.
Two questions actually.
One: Do you have a jute box in your new place?
Two: What kind of tunes do you have on it?
We are thinking about making a road trip to see you during the holidays!
Thanks!
The Boys – Winchester, Tennessee

A: Winchester Tennessee!
That’s Only the Hometown of Coach Phil Fulmer!
That place is like my “Graceland”!

Well Boys, I ain’t got a jute box yet, but it’s a coming..
So right now I got me a one of them CD Players from Wal Mart and
Somebody “burned” me a CD with four songs on it that I play religiously

1. Rocky Top (Hell Yeah!)
2. Jeremiah was a Bullfrog, by Three Dogs in the Night
3. Love Shack, by some group named after a plane in the Air Force
4. Stand By your Man by the Queen of Country Music Tammy Wynette

And I went and bought me a CD with them Dogs a Barking all the Christmas songs!

Yawl came on down I’ll be looking for you!

Q: We have had one whole season under our belt with the “new” Coach of Tennessee.
So what do you think Hootie?
Gerald “Jerry” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I’ll tell you Jerry…
That Lame Kitten has done a pretty good job, I mean..
We ain’t won the State Championship of Tennessee in a long time…
And we is going to a Bowl game…Which we hadn’t done for a while neither.
But I believe that was due to Coach Phil’s sugar condition is why we ain’t gone to one
I heard flying makes it act up.

Q: Dear Mister Snitch
At the risk of requiring therapy perhaps you can answer a question
And settle a bet we have in the office.
What do you want for Christmas this year?
Holly – Platte City, Missouri

A: Well Hello Miss Lady! And thank you for asking
I want what I asked for last year and the year before that….
To meet a deaf mute supermodel that owns her own chain of liquor stores..

Hope Yawl all have a very Merry Christmas and Kick Ass New Year!

Yawl come see me at Snitch’s, autographs are Free for the Ladies!

Hootie – Out!

It’s your ole Buddy and Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Freaking Planet..
Hootie Snitch!

Before I get to talking about my brand damn new restaurant…
I got to get something off my chest about that game with them hated Crimson Tides.

First thing….
Coach Lane was “right on” about them damn referees and not calling penalties about Alabama.
They should have called a damn penalty every play for having too many people on the defense side.
Just look at that Mount Cody!
He’s as big as three of our boys and that should count extra on the field, that’s all I’m saying…

Second thing….
That fella that writes this column ought not to be making fun of Coach Phil Fulmer.
He’s only like the greatest coach that has ever freaking lived!
And just for the record, he ain’t “Fat”, he’s got big bones.
Like the kind you find in a dinosaur….

Now let me tell you about my new restaurant, “Snitch’s” right here in Baneberry.

See, I named it after my last name so’s I won’t have me an infringement.
Like I done last time with them Hooter’s people.

If you was wondering how I got the money to get me another restaurant after that last fiasco….
Well let yawl in on a little secret.

I done and went and got me some of that “Stimulus” money.

I sure as hell did!

I sent the government this form and then this fellow called me and asked me some questions.
Like what? I knew you was a going to ask..

He says, “Have you been under some hardship the past couple of years?”

I says, “Hell yeah”. I said that cause as much as I hate to admit it Phil Fulmer had placed a hardship on all of us Volunteer fans by “working like heck” as he used to say and not getting anything done, I think it’s cause he had low blood sugar.

Then the man asked me, “Do I feel better about the way things are now?”
I said “Hell yeah I do.”
I said that cause Coach Lane ain’t keeping the thugs and trouble makers on the team and they are in every dang game.

Then he says, “So will this business benefit the community and promote the environment?” I tell him “You damn skippy it will!”
Cause let’s face it, I got the best possum wings and muskrat nuggets on the freaking planet! And you want environment? I have the best environment for a Tennessee Volunteer game day party anywhere around here.

So guess what happened then?
I got me a check in the mail!

I damn sure did!

So coming soon….

The Grand Opening of “Snitch’s” right here in beautiful Baneberry Tennessee is a coming soon!

Our motto is…
We put the “U” in “Fun”..catchy ain’t it?

It ain’t completely fixed up yet, but I am gett’n er done!

That’s my Momma (Rowena) I have been a telling you about in the picture, she’s a helping out too.
We is going to launch her campaign to get into the International Tow Truck Hall of Fame and Museum from here too.
Hell yes we are!

Yawl is all welcome to come on down and party with me and all the Volunteer fans
and if any of you ladies out there want your picture taken with me, it’s free.

Hootie – Out!

Sorry I haven’t written lately….
As you all know I am in the Musical production at Dollywood called….
“Who Let the Clogs Out…”

That show has taken off like a fresh bought Roman Candle!
I ain’t kiddin neither!
When I go down to the beauty parlor to get my mullet dyed, everybody knows my name!

But fame does have its draw backs…

You guessed it….
I done went and got me a stalker…
And let me tell you….

That gal is crazy as a June bug in a mayonnaise jar….

That’s her getting arrested….

So with all the attention….
I thought it best to say good-bye to the Peyton Manning Trailer Park and Casa Da Hootie…
And I moved into what they call a “gated” community….

It’s kind of exclusive….
It’s only for what they call “upscale Tennessee Vol Fans”…

Here is a picture from the brochure them people sent me from the gated community..
It’s nice ain’t it?

Ladies, if you ins is in the neighborhood feel free to stop by the new and improved Casa Da Hootie….
All except you know who, the judge told you to restrain yourself!

But that ain’t what I want to catch you up on right now…
I got a surprise for yawl!
I don’t know if yawl remembers….
But a sometime back I talked to them folks from McDonalds about an idea I had…
“The McMuskrat” sandwich…and the “McPossum” burger….

Well them smart ass people laughed me out of the room…
But it’s just like my momma always told us…
They laughed at the Righteous brothers too when they started out..
Then before you know it they was singing and flying everywhere…

So I got to thinking….
And Wham O!
It Hit Me!

So I went and rented me a previously owned single wide close to town and I am a opening…
You ready?
HOOT-R’s
Get it? It’s like that other place, but it uses my name too!

I am going to have the grand opening….
Just in time for the first Tennessee Volunteer football game on the season!
GO VOLS!

I am going to have the greatest football coach in the whole damn world there too!
You guessed it Coach Phil Fulmer!

Not really sure why Coach Phil is a eattin that Twinkie fellow…
But I am a guessing he must be hungry…
Anyway…

Guess who else is going to be at the Grand Opening?
Just for you men out there…
Last years Homecoming Queen from the University of Tennessee
Miss Claudette Strunk!
GO VOLS!
I even got a picture of her as we was setting up the restaurant…

She is hotter than a jalapeño pepper ain’t she?

I got everything you want for a Tennessee Volunteer Party!

By the way…No Gators allowed.

So come on down to HOOT-R’s…
Look for the sign next to the single wide just outside of Baneberry Tennessee on Leadmine Road…

Don’t be afraid to ask for my autograph…It’s free.

Hootie – Out!

I am a filling in for what’s his name while he is in Jerk-a-damn-Stan or whatever it’s called; I believe that’s in Arkansas. But never mind that.

As most of you know by now I got myself arrested at the South Carolina Cooter Festival, but before any of you start jumping to conclusions, let me tell you: It wasn’t my damn fault.

I was a feeling no pain walking over to see the Miss Cooter Queen and a Highway Patrolman stopped me and asked why I was Hooping and Hollering.

I told him that I was the Greatest Tennessee Vol fan on the planet and that Vols was Number Damn One!

That Patrolman asked me if I wanted a “Wood Shampoo”?

Well, I thought that he was a giving away samples, so I said; “Hell Yeah!”

Next thing I know I wake up in the Spartanburg Jail with a punk knot on my head big enough to hang a hat on.

NOTE TO SELF: Don’t be a smartass with a South Carolina Highway Patrolman.

Yawl just hang in there, I will have some College Football updates for you real soon!

Hootie! – Out!