As you know by now…….
The finest College Football Picks anywhere in the Country are right here and ready for your viewing pleasure. (No need to thank me, it’s what I do)

We have some big games and some “not so” big games, but they are all here for you

So let’s get to it

It’s time for College Football

And one other thing…
It’s good to be back, I have missed you all.

Enjoy…………

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

LSU: I am sure by now you have all heard about the four Tiger knuckleheads who got into a fight at a bar in Baton Rouge, one of which is starting quarterback Jordan Jefferson.

You may be thinking “He isn’t too smart”

Some of us already knew that….

Click here to view the embedded video.

TEXAS A&M: If the Aggies are willing to ditch their rich tradition because the University of Texas has created the “Longhorn Network” then I have an idea.

Why don’t the Aggies create their own network and stay in their own conference.

Unless they are just mad because they didn’t think of it first.

GEORGIA: I thought “Tradition” actually meant something in Athens, I guess I was wrong

So you ditched your “classic” uniforms for this futuristic transformer crap

If you were going for the “stupid” look, congratulations you hit the mark

MARYLAND: You got no room to laugh at Georgia, so don’t even giggle.
Your “new” helmets courtesy of Under Armour….

Look like a linoleum kitchen floor design from the 1970’s

It’s so ugly and disturbing I can’t have a picture on the site for fear someone will have an epileptic seizure from staring at them too long.

NIKE: In this late breaking news story, we see that NIKE has accomplished a preseason coupe by signing numerous SEC schools to uniform contracts.

Here we see teams modeling the latest creations.
Georgia in Red
Tennessee in Orange
Vanderbilt in Black
Kentucky in Blue, and…..

A SPECIAL flamingo pink for Florida
They do look spectacular.

AUBURN: In this age when the national media makes “stars” and “celebrities” from torrid sex tapes I am sad to report that it is “rumored” that Auburn Coach Gene Chizik has gotten on the bandwagon of this very disturbing and disgusting trend with a “sex tape” of his own.

The video in question is reported to show Coach Gene Chizik and as yet unidentified young female in a night of unabashed passion and debauchery.
here is no word yet on the age, name or address of the young female sheep involved in the video.

EDITORS NOTE: I know, I know….
That was Baddddd Badddddddd

MIAMI: With the latest suspensions of Hurricane players linked to the ongoing NCAA Investigation, it was reported today that Miami will take the unprecedented step in playing their remaining eligible players “four ways”. Hurricane Head Coach Al Golden explained it this way…

“With only six players eligible on the football team each player will have to play two separate positions on offense and defense, which makes it a four way player. It’s like the old days of players playing offense and defense except different”

EDITORS NOTE: Good Luck with that Coach…

OHIO STATE – MICHIGAN: The below picture was sent to the Staff at the CFB Wizard courtesy of a Wolverine Fan. How do I know it was a Wolverine Fan that sent it?

The email smelled like sauerkraut

OLE MISS: Ah Houston, I think you have a problem…..

EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Sir,
I am Harley Hanesworth, world renowned sports columnist for the Telfair Enterprise, here in McRae, Georgia. I’ve read and kept up with your column for many years and have been inspired by it. I have written many times in the Enterprise after this inspiration and, as a result, have almost been run out of town on numerous occasions.
I don’t think the locals here get me.
With that in mind, I would like to submit from time to time some insights and commentary on things in the college football world that you may deem worthy to print, if you so desire. With that in mind, here is a little something I ginned up while downing a bottle of Gilbey’s.

College football is about to begin.
Numerous publications have written about the teams, posted their schedules, and even have the bowl schedules posted. The bowl schedules kind of caught my eye. I was looking at this list and noted how the names of such, remarkably, reflect the caliber of talent that the individual bowls select to play in their “prestigious” events. Here are some examples:

The Humanitarian Bowl – Aptly named since it is actually a humanitarian gesture to invite teams from the MAC and WAC to participate in postseason play

Beef O’Brady’s Bowl – Should be the “Where’s the” Beef O’Brady’s Bowl. Certainly a lack of it with teams from the Big East and Conference USA participating

Poinsettia Bowl – Flowers are appropriate to celebrate the death of another season for the contestants from the Mountain West and WAC

MAACO – This is actually an acronym. Means “Maybe Alaska And Colorado Observe” this highly riveting game between the Mountain West and PAC 12 is the cure for insomnia

Independence – Participants from the ACC and Mountain West were selected due to their blanket coverage on Independent TV. (Channels 14 and above)

Champs Sports – Should have actually been called the Chumps Sports Bowl with these juggernauts from the ACC and Big East gumming each other into submission

Insight – I’ll give you all the insight you need.
The Big Ten vs The Big 12.
They can’t even get their conference names right

Chick-fil-A – Nothing says ass whipping like a team from the SEC taking on the boneless breast of a conference rep from the ACC

TicketCity – Fans from the Big Ten and Conference USA will be getting rung up by local law enforcement after trying to skedaddle out of town after the final gun.

And just one final observation.
The Outback, Capital One, and Gator Bowl all feature matchups between the Big Ten (Dozen?) and the SEC. I always wondered why the losing numbers just kept piling up for the Big Ten vs SEC schools. Now I know. They’re a glutton for punishment.

Respectfully

Harley Hanesworth

FOLLOW-UP EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Mr “Wizard” (as you refer to yourself),

I was appalled and taken aback at the recent publication of my letter on your sordid website.
Have you no common decency?

Do you not understand the principles of confidentiality?
As a result of your disgraceful act, I have been bombarded with cards, letters, and emails from your wretched followers. However, the ultimate humiliation was a call from the Secretary of Defense himself.
He was quite upset and almost had me in tears!!
Therefore, as some of your minions may have noted, we have rescinded the blockage of your website; however, it is only for CONUS use.
I was able to convince my superiors of the National Security concerns that we have over your outlandish and subversive drivel. You see, we had what we call a “PC” dilemma.
What I mean is that we had your most un-politically correct website but we also had many unhappy soldiers that couldn’t pick up your site. Although it is for their own good, we can’t have our soldiers walking around pouting and pouching out their succulent, plump, lower lips, all slouched over and with their heads down.

We need to have these young people standing erect and proud, with their firm, muscular chests poked out, and their tight, taut butt cheeks, pinched tightly to form a… ah, well, you know what I mean.

As I said, in order to remedy the dilemma we have formally lifted the ban of your site here in the US. But rest assured, we of the REE/TARD Brigade will be watching you.
We will be monitoring your every word.
Rest assured, sir, that when I put my hands on a soldier, hug them tightly, and whisper softly in his ear; I will be personally assuring him that you will do no more harm.
He will feel my warm breath on his face, my firm hands pulling him gently into a warm embrace…. and, ah, I’ll make him feel better.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

Militarily,
Beauregard T. Thistleballs,
General
United States Army
REE/TARDS
University of Southern California ‘69

THE PICKS

Thursday September 1st

Carson Newman at Glenville State
I think Glen’s ego has gotten out of hand….
First he has his own town and now he wants to have his own State.
Coach Sparks Boys will bring him back to reality
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Drake and North Dakota
This pick is for the NCAA politically correct police….
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

Wake Forest at Syracuse
I was going to watch this game but…..
It’s on at the same time as my “Trombonists Anonymous Meeting”
Sorry….
DEMONS DEACONS 28-24

New Hampshire at Toledo
Good News “Rocket Fans”…..
Your “new” mascot Rocky the Rocket will be unveiled at this game….
It looks like a TeleTubbie on Crack….

Congratulations…
ROCKY ROCKET 28-24

Western Carolina at Georgia Tech
I still think “Catamount” sounds like something nasty is going on…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-14

West Alabama at South Alabama
This is a Backyard Brawl early in the season and it’s all Alabama
I’m a South Alabama man….
JAGUARS 24-17

Montana State at Utah
Stop me if you have heard this one….
Two Utes and a Bobcat walk into a bar with a Midget and a Rabbi….
I told that one already? Sorry…
TWO UTES 43-24

Fordham at Connecticut
You may not know this…
The Great Vince Lombardi was one of the “original” Seven Blocks of Granite of the 1936 Fordham Rams Football Team and they are all legends of the game of college football.
Unfortunately that’s not going to help them much here….
HUSKIES 34-10

Mississippi State at Memphis
The Boys from the Land of Elvis are going to be “All Shook Up” by the Bulldogs
Believe it
BULLY DOGS 34-10

UC Davis at Arizona State
I don’t care and neither should you
DEVILS of the SUN 41-10

Central Oklahoma at North Alabama
The Lions of Florence are loaded this year
Remember you heard it here first….
MIGHTY LIONS 38-21

UNLV at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz!
BADGERS 44-10

Kentucky at Western Kentucky
There will be a lot of Bluegrass in this game….
And I’m not talking about what fans will be smoking in the parking lot before kickoff
WILDCATS 33-17

North Carolina Central at Rutgers
The Carolina Eagles will get a beat down and their fans get car jacked…
Welcome to New Jersey………
SCARLET KNIGHTS 38-10

Murray State at Louisville
The Racers get rode hard in the Ville
Believe it….
STRONG CARDINALS 43-10

South Carolina State at Central Michigan
When I make a mistake I own up to it….
I have reported in the past that a Chippewa’s is an “infected mole”
Nothing could be further from the truth, as I recently discovered, and I offer my sincere apologizes for such erroneous reporting. You expect a higher standard than that.
In fact it is another term for “Chipped Beef on Toast”…
As in: “I will have two eggs over easy and a plate of Chippewa”
I hope that has cleared up any misunderstanding
CHIPPEWA’S 28-10

Bowling Green at Idaho
I had every good intention of watching this game…..
But I plan on being trapped in a small dingy off the coast of Paraguay at the same time
SMALL POTATOS 28-24

Friday September 2nd

Youngstown State at Michigan State
Penguins and Spartans….
Sounds like the makings of a Disney movie to me…
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 33-17

Texas Christian at Baylor
The Bears of Baylor have a good football team this year…
Just not good enough in this match-up.
HORNED FROGS 28-24

Saturday September 3rd

Delaware State at Virginia Military Academy
I don’t know much about the Hornets of Delaware but George Patton went to VMI
and that’s good enough for me…
KEYDETS 24-21

Jacksonville at Citadel
This isn’t the Jacksonville State Gamecocks or I would pick them to spank the Dogs.
But since it isn’t I won’t
BULLDOGS 34-6

Duquesne at Bucknell
Did you know…..
That you can’t say “Duquesne” properly unless you just drank a glass of buttermilk?
JOHN WAYNE and THE DUKES 24-17

Alabama State at Mississippi Valley State
There are Hornets and Delta Devils in this match-up…..
I have met my fair share of both…
And both of them will run you out of the barn when you least expected it…
Consider that to be your safety tip of the day
DELTA DEVILS 21-14

Arkansas State at Illinois
The Indians of Arkansas State can’t be the “Indians” anymore because the “Indians” are offended so now they are the Red Wolves. The Fighting Illini can’t use “Chief Illiniwek” as a mascot because another gaggle of idiots are offended.
I’m offended that both universities are getting jacked around by the NCAA over their mascots, does that mean they get to keep things the way they were?
Just wondering….
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-10

Western Michigan at Michigan
I was going to watch this game but “former” Wolverine Coach Rich Rod is going to be on a “new” VH1 reality program with his wife Rita Rod called “Guess that Skank”.
Its times like these I wish I had TiVo
WOLVERINES 43-10

Southern University at Tennessee State
I know I have heard it all before….
The Jaguars have the better team in this contest
But as far as I am concerned they will always be Big John Merritt’s Tigers
I still miss the Big Man
BIG JOHN’S TIGERS 24-21

Alcorn State at Grambling
The Great Doug Williams has returned to Grambling to be the Head Football Coach of the Tigers
Welcome Back Coach……
But just for the record….
Coach Rob will always be “The Man” at Grambling….
ROB’S TIGERS 33-28

Louisiana Monroe at Florida State
Poor ole Monroe….
That boy is headed for an ass whipping of Biblical proportions
SEMINOLES 52-0

Utah State at Auburn
The Aggies are the worse team in Division I College Football……
And you know what that means?
The Tiger fans will be rolling the dying shrubs at Toomer’s Corner at Midnight..
What? Too soon?
WAR DAMN EAGLE 103-0

Eastern Kentucky at Kansas State
Coach Bill Snyder’s petrified body will be on display on the sidelines to inspire the Cats to victory over the Colonels of Kentucky.
You do know Coach Snyder has been dead since 1998 didn’t you?
WILDCATS 33-17

Indiana at Ball State
Have I mentioned that David Letterman is an alumni of Ball State?
I have? That won’t matter much this time either….
WHOSE YOUR DADDY 33-21

Akron at Ohio State
Its Football Time in Columbus Ohio and you know what that means!
“The Ohio State Buckeyes Beat Every Little College Ass in Ohio Tour”
Ahhh Good Times…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 38-10

UCLA at Houston
The “University of California Left at Artesia” is going to be introduced to what I like to refer to as…“A Houston Texas Ass Whipping”
Enjoy…..
COUGARS 31-24

Louisiana Tech at Southern Miss
There is nothing like a college football game in Hattiesburg Mississippi
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Rice at Texas
What I wouldn’t give to be in Austin Texas on Saturday Night….
I’m a legend on 6th Street in case you didn’t know
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-10

Kent State at Alabama
Welcome to Tuscaloosa Alabama!
Here is your cashier’s check for visiting us…
Now please make your way to Bryant Denny Stadium where..
You will get your asses kicked between your shoulder blades.
CRIMSON TIDE 38-10

Indiana State at Penn State
The “Fighting” Sycamores come to Happy Valley….
Whoever heard of a “Fighting” Tree?
“HEY Everybody RUN for your Lives! It’s a FIGHTING Tree!”
That’s just stupid…..
JOE PA’S LIONS 55-0

Troy at Clemson
With Troy traveling to Death Valley to meet the Mighty Clemson Tigers this week

This is an excellent time to tell you my favorite story about “Helen of Troy” Alabama….
Helen was the proprietor of a little General Store outside of Troy and she had been single for as long as anyone could remember. All she did was work at her store and go to church, that was about it.
Then one day….
There was this salesman from Birmingham that was on his way to Troy on business and he had just drunk two Coca-Cola’s and he had to relieve himself before he got into town. So he stopped on the side of the road and went into some bushes to take care of his business.
What this fellow didn’t know was that he was relieving himself on a yellow jackets nest. And a few of those aggravated creatures came boiling out of that nest and stung him on his personal business.
Frightened and scared the salesman ran out of the bushes and jumped into his car and stopped at the first place he found, which just happened to be Helen’s General Store.
The injured salesman got out of his car and stumbled into Helen’s Store holding his swollen personal business and asked Helen “What can you give me for this?”
Helen said “A pair of diamond earrings, keys to a new Ford F-150 and the title to the store”
The two haven’t been heard from since….

THE MIGHTY TIGERS 38-10

Campbell at Old Dominion
This game boasts a Battle between Camels and Monarchs…
Yes you read that correctly….
And to make this “even” better the Campbell Camels mascot is named….
“Gaylord the Camel”
Enough said….
BIG BLUE MONARCHS 27-17

Tulsa at Oklahoma
After months of extensive research by the professional staff at the CFB Wizard we have finally determined what the folks at Tulsa mean by a “Golden Hurricane”.
It’s what happens when somebody is all liquored up and they pee into a box fan.
And please, don’t ask how we came to that conclusion.
BOOMER SOONERS 49-10

Richmond at Duke
I had every intention of watching this game….
But a documentary on the history of Styrofoam is on the Learning Channel at the same time.
It’s a matter of priorities
DEVILS of BLUE 33-17

Appalachian State at Virginia Tech
The Mountaineers are about to learn the answer to an age old question..
“Yes”, the Hokey Pokey is what it’s all about…..
HOKEY HOKEY HI! 34-13

Weber State at Wyoming
I had no idea that the fine folks from Weber Grills had their own college….
They make some of the finest outdoor grills known to mankind….
Not that it matters much here……
COWBOY UP! 34-7

Georgia Southern at Samford
It doesn’t matter how many times I have written this column…
Every time I see “Samford” I think of Sanford and Son….
If they ever have a quarterback named “Lamont” I will lose it
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-10

Cal Poly at San Diego State
Frankly there is too much activity in this match-up to suit me…
You have some guy named Cal who likes to be called “Polly”
(Which is an indication that Cal has some “issues”)
Then you have a group of ancient Aztecs running around presumably to perform ritual sacrifices on someone, worship the sun while building monuments to something or another.
This game is just too busy for me….Sorry
ANCIENT AZTECS 38-17

McNeese State at Kansas
Warning: Watching this game could cause…
The viewer to experience severe flatulence in the cerebral cortex
HAWKS of JAY 33-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona
An instate Battle in the Land of Sand….
This time of the year Arizona is ten degrees cooler than the surface of the sun….
HOT CATS 28-17

Sacramento State at Oregon State
I have said this for years and I stand by my statement….
I believe in the Power of the Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-10

Liberty at North Carolina State
Someone told me that Liberty is known as the “Flamers”
I had no idea Kenny Chesney had his own college, did you?
WOLFPACK 44-6

Miami (OH) at Missouri
Here is how this game breaks down, so pay close attention
Miami of Ohio has a very good football team
The Missouri Tigers are way (way) better than good
Yes, it’s just that simple sometimes
MO’S TIGERS 31-17

South Carolina at East Carolina
I have on good authority that Gamecock quarterback Stephen Garcia is changing his game day routine this season in an effort to show more consistency in his play at quarterback.
He is going to start getting liquored up “before” the games this year.
Party on Stephen….
MIGHTY ROOSTERS 43-10

James Madison at North Carolina
I don’t know that much about Jimmy Madison
But his wife Dolly makes some killer mini donuts….
TAR HEELS 24-17

William and Mary at Virginia
I don’t know what Bill and Mary were thinking when they scheduled this game…
But I bet there was liquor involved
CAVALIERS 24-17

Delaware at Navy
Why did the Blue Hen cross the road?
To get its ass kicked by the United States Naval Academy, that’s why.
MIDSHIPMEN 34-24

Brigham Young at Ole Miss
I might be wrong on this one, but I don’t think so
COUGARS 24-17

Boise State at Georgia
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Bulldogs take it to the Broncos in a close one between the hedges
Believe it
SIC EM DAWGS 31-28

Eastern Washington at Washington
An Eagle can’t whip a Big Dog….
It’s in the Bible
MIGHTY HUSKIES 38-10

LSU and Oregon
Cowboy Stadium, Dallas Texas

Oregon Coach Chip Kelly tolerates thugs and drug use on his team…
LSU Coach Les Miles doesn’t…

In perhaps the Biggest game of the early 2011 Season…

Chip Kelly is keeping his thugs on the team to play in the game
Les Miles suspended his players, including the starting quarterback.

The Ducks are prostitutes to NIKE and will change their uniform designs on a whim…
The Mighty Tigers hold true to tradition…..

It’s the Southeastern Conference and the Pacific Athletic Conference

There can only be one winner…
And here is my pick…
“The Ducks get plucked while their offense gets stuck and their fans tell Chip Kelly to get lost”
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: You thought I was going to say something nasty there didn’t you?
Shame on you….

Montana at Tennessee
If you have an opportunity to see this game on television I want to clarify something for you.
There IS a BIG difference between the Montana “Grizzly” Bear mascot and the University of Tennessee female Cheerleaders. One is exceptionally large with an extreme amount of body hair, a long snout, unsightly teeth and a bad disposition.
The other is a college kid in a foam rubber bear costume.
I hope that clears up any preconceived misunderstanding…
VOWELS 38-17

Northwestern at Boston College
This has all the makings of a classic matchup between two evenly matched teams
Unfortunately I don’t care
WILDCATS 23-21

Elon at Vanderbilt
I am a big fan of Lionel Richie….
So I will go with the Commodores in this one
BRICKHOUSE COMMODORES 33-10

Buffalo at Pittsburgh
I was hoping I would get a chance to see this game….
But I have to rearrange my sock drawer.
It’s a scheduling conflict
PANTHERS 38-10

South Dakota at Air Force
I have never seen the Air Force bomb Coyotes…
But I suppose anything is possible…
MIGHTY FALCONS 33-14

Charleston Southern at Central Florida
This game will have Buccaneers and Golden Knights…
Sounds like a party at Elton John’s house
O’ SO GOLDEN KNIGHTS 41-10

Howard at Eastern Michigan
I don’t care if Howard is crazy enough to ride a Bison..
Those Eagles are going to whip his Buffalo riding ass
EAGLES 33-10

Louisiana Lafayette at Oklahoma State
I think the Prairie Wind is going to touch the Cajuns in the naughty place..
And it’s going to hurt, a lot.
COWBOYS! 53-10

Ohio at New Mexico State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
Lasso Larry turns up the heat in the desert for the Cool Cats of Ohio
(Thought that one up myself)
LASSO LARRY 23-21

Colorado at Hawaii
Much like me you probably only have one question concerning this game in Hawaii…
When is Dog the Bounty Hunter’s new season premiering on the A&E Network?
BUFFALOS 31-17

Middle Tennessee at Purdue
I was planning on watching this game and then I realized….
It comes on at the same time as the Cosby Kids and Fat Albert marathon on TV Land.
Heeey Heeey Heeey I can’t watch this game…..Fat Albert’s on!
BOILERMAKERS 28-20

Marist at Sacred Heart
I am infuriated that the Pioneers think their heart is somehow more “sacred” than anyone else’s.
That kind of arrogance disgusts me.
Not that it matters, that Marist is a Fox.
RED FOXES 23-21

Army at Northern Illinois
Each year I start out picking West Point to win and they lose…
Then I pick them to lose and they win…
Here we go again…
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-17

Texas State at Texas Tech
The Red Raiders mascot “The Masked Rider” rides “Red Raider” around the stadium each time they score. Before this one is over they may need a “stunt” horse.
GET THOSE GUNS UP! RED RAIDERS! 106-0

Chattanooga at Nebraska
The Boy’s from Chattanooga….
Are going to feel like they were run over by the Chattanooga Choo Choo before this one is over
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 44-0

Lafayette at North Dakota State
I understand that the NCAA is wanting the “Bison” of North Dakota State to change their mascot too. It has been reported that a Bison in Montana is “offended” by the assertion that all Bison come from South Dakota.
(Don’t laugh, it makes about as much sense as the NCAA stance on American Indian mascots)
MIGHTY BUFFALO 23-10

Furman at Coastal Carolina
Maybe it’s just me….
But “Chanticleers” sounds like something that requires a shot of penicillin.
CHEWBACCA 31-17

South Florida at Notre Dame
Don’t be surprised if this game goes “the other way”
FIGHTING IRISH 33-28

San Jose at Stanford
Do you know the way to “San Jose”?
Yeah, it’s over there next to a sign that says “Free Ass Whipping Here for Jose”
CARDINAL 41-10

Missouri State at Arkansas
Before MO’s Bears hear “And the Rockets’ Red Glare..”
They will be down three touchdowns….
HAWGS 77-0

Florida Atlantic at Florida
You have to wonder how wise an Owl really is for scheduling this game with the Mighty Gators
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Idaho State at Washington State
I would rather be horribly ravaged by wild gorillas than watch this game
COUGARS 10-6

Stony Brook at Texas El Paso
Two points to make in the game…
One: Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg Tennessee is a great place to visit and relax.
(Before you ask, yes that was a shameless plug)
Two: El Paso is a not so great place to visit and relax.
That is unless you like scorching heat, gang violence and illegal aliens.
I hope this helped..
MINERS 31-14

Minnesota at Southern California
I am afraid the O’ So Golden Gophers have bitten off more than they can gnaw in this one
TROJANS 43-14

Colorado State at New Mexico
I can’t watch this game…..
The E! True Hollywood Story of “Slim Whitman” is on at the same time…
He’s a legend
RAMS 31-17

Fresno State at California
I was planning on watching this “great” game featuring all things California…
But I intend on giving myself a concussion with a claw hammer until…
I no can watch PAC 10 or 12 football good no more….
GOLDEN GRAM BEARS 6-3

Sunday September 4th

Marshall at West Virginia
The “Friends of Coal Bowl” comes early this year….
Make no mistake about it, there is enough hate in this one to last all season
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

Southern Methodist at Texas A&M
My Poor Ponies…..
I wish I had better news…
But this game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton in a string bikini..
Sorry for the visual…
If it’s any consolation, it made me sick too
GIG EM AGGIES 44-17

Monday September 5th

Miami at Maryland
Since the Canes only have six players eligible for this game I will go with the….
FIGHTING LINOLEUM KITCHEN FLOOR 23-21

SPECIAL PICK OF THE WEEK

Saturday September 3rd

Tennessee Tech at Iowa
This time of the season I always make some smart ass comment about the Hawkeyes mascot, etc
Not this year…..

This pick is for Iowa native Petty Officer Jon T. “JT” Tumilson United States Navy SEAL and his faithful dog Hawkeye. A Damn good man and a damn fine dog.
HAWKEYES 44-10

Enjoy your games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s Bowling Season……..

And with more Bowl Games than ever and sponsorships of the games difficult to follow

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will break the Bowl games down into two parts for your reading enjoyment.

No need to thank me….

Think of it as an early Christmas present…..

Enjoy Part I of your Bowl games……

THE BOWL GAMES (PART I)

December 18th

New Mexico Bowl
Albuquerque, New Mexico
BYU and UTEP
This “bowl” game with its simple name recognizing the state in which it is played
was changed to its current name after the “sponsorship” of the previous bowl game was determined to be “inappropriate”.
The bowl game was formally known as the…..
“We Suck Bowl” sponsored by Hoover Vacuum Cleaners
With all the letters in these two teams it should have been sponsored by….
Campbell’s Alphabet Soup….
COUGARS 33-24

uDrove Humanitarian Bowl
Boise, Idaho
Northern Illinois and Fresno State
This sponsorship confuses me…..
Why would you drive to Boise Idaho to be a Humanitarian?
Frankly that sounds like a threat to me….
BULLDOGS 28-24

R&L Carrier New Orleans Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Ohio and Troy
I think to name your bowl game after a “carrier”
During the cold and flu season is just rude…
I hope the sponsors get runny noses out of this….
MEN OF TROY 31-28

December 21st

Beef O’ Brady’s St Petersburg Bowl
St. Petersburg Florida
Louisville and Southern Miss
What in the hell were the sponsors of this bowl game thinking?
It sounds like the game is sponsored by a porn actor
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

December 22nd

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl
Las Vegas, Nevada
Utah and Boise State
Isn’t MACCO where Rita Rod get’s her make-up applied?
Never mind, I just remembered she has it done at Earl Shive
Sorry for the confusion….
Two Utes get their potatoes mashed….
BRONCOS 33-31

December 23rd

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
San Diego, California
San Diego State and Navy
I much prefer the more appropriate name for this “California” Bowl game
“The Wild Fire Illegal Aliens Mud Slide Earthquake Out of Sight Taxes Bowl”
It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

December 24th

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Honolulu, Hawaii
Tulsa and Hawaii
Dog the Bounty Hunter’s mullet could beat both of these teams…
Don’t make him prove it either…
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting on RAINBOWS 43-38

December 26th

Little Caesars Bowl
Detroit, Michigan
Florida International and Toledo
Who in the hell thought a bowl game in Detroit was a good idea?
What was their second choice for a bowl game, Beirut Lebanon?
They should have gone with Beirut; it’s safer than Detroit….
SUNSHINE PANTHERS 33-28

December 27th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Shreveport, Louisiana
Georgia Tech and Air Force
Much like you…..
I have no idea what the hell a V100 is and why somebody Advo – Cares about it…
Why can’t this just be the Weed Eater Bowl, like it used to be….
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

December 28th

Champs Sports Bowl
Orlando Florida
North Carolina State and West Virginia
I like this match-up…..
It will be slobber knocker to the final whistle…..
Light those Couches in Morgantown!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-31

Insight Bowl
Tempe, Arizona
Iowa and Missouri
I have some “insight” for you in this Bowl game….
This has the potential to be one of the better games of the season….
Believe it
MO’ KNOWS BOWLS 24-21

December 29th

Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman
Washington, D.C.
Maryland and East Carolina
Since this game is in Washington D.C…….
The sponsors debated between the games current name…
And “The Beltway Bandit Contractor’s Bowl” and
“The Crack Pipe Bowl” sponsored by Marion Barry
I wish they would have gone with the latter…
It’s more appropriate
FIGHTING TURTLES 33-27

Texas Bowl
Houston, Texas
Illinois and Baylor
What I wouldn’t give to be in Houston town tonight…..
BEARS 28-20

Valero Bowl
San Antonio, Texas
Oklahoma State and Arizona
Little known fact…..
“Valero” is Spanish for…..
“Sam Houston kicked Santa Anna’s ass at San Jacinto”
I can say that because each and every morning I wake up and..
Remember the Alamo
COWBOY UP! 38-17

More on the way to include Part II of the Bowl Picks

So Stay Tuned

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Before we get into this week’s selections…..
I would like to “thanks” in no particular order:

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
The Minnesota O’ so very Golden Gophers
Coach Drooley and the Tennessee Volunteers
Zippy the Akron Kangaroo and the entire football coaching staff at West Point….

For completely screwing up Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s weekly average
and sending your fans into fits of rage while dashing for the liquor cabinet.

I hope you’re happy….

But certainly this past week wasn’t all frustration and consternation….
The West Virginia Mountaineers….
Scored 15 points in the final two minutes of the game with Marshall
to win the “The Friends of Coal Bowl” and the Governors Cup.

The Mighty Air Force Falcons carpet bombed the Cougars of BYU…..

And Reggie Bush was forced to return the Heisman Trophy….
No need to thank me for that one folks…..
It’s how I roll……

Enjoy your picks…..

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointing 61 and11 or 85% for the second week of the season.
That leaves us at 133 and 21 or 86% after only two weeks.
Like I said last week….
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks

THE PICKS

Thursday September 16th

Cincinnati at North Carolina State
I have a “gut feeling” about this game….
I just hope it’s not gas….
WOLFPACK 28-24

Concordia Selma at Carson Newman
I don’t know about Concordia, but I think I knew her brother Tommy…
That Tommy Selma was tougher than a pine knot….
Which of course has nothing what so ever to do with this pick….
SPARKS EAGLES 33-17

Friday September 17th

Kansas at Southern Miss
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

California at Nevada
Honestly I would watch this game…..
But the Animal Planet is having a “special” documentary on the Armadillo entitled
“The Armadillo: Natures little tank or possum on the half shell?”
GAYLORD THE BEAR 33-24

Saturday September 18th

Connecticut at Temple
This little known rivalry in the northeast is played for the coveted…
“Hoobastank Trophy”…
Not really, but it’s a fun word to say isn’t it?
HUSKIES 28-24

Muhlenberg at Susquehanna
Now I know what you are thinking….
Can the German girl take Susie after last week’s tussle with Juanita….
I believe she can, I heard she was a former East German shot putter
MULE GIRL 24-17

Northern Illinois at Illinois
The “Fighting Illini” continue their “brutal” out of conference schedule..
By beating the living hell out of junior colleges and technical schools within their own state.
PUMPKINS’ O’ FIGHTING 34-17

Maryland at West Virginia
I would have a lot more faith in the Fighting Terrapins if they had a really cool mascot…
Say like “The Turtle Man” as seen in the video below….
Before you ask…Yes, He is real….
But until Maryland hires him it’s time to light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-27

Click here to view the embedded video.

Arkansas at Georgia
This game features the “Hawgs and Dawgs”
Reminds me of my favorite German Ice Cream….
DAWGS 20-17

Ohio at Ohio State
Coach Frank’s Bobcats of Ohio will keep this one close…..
Right up until the time the Ohio State Marching Band….
Which of course is “The Best Damn Band in the Land”… “Dots the I”…..
Then it’s all…..
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 41-10

North Texas at Army

EDITORS COMMENTARY:
The Army coaching staff should be thankful we live in the “everybody’s a winner” society, were “trying hard” and “giving a good effort” is as important as winning.
Because if it were up to me; I would have fired everyone of their collective ass’s after last weeks game.
A blind chimpanzee with half a damn banana could motivate a team better than these dumbasses.
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas State
This rivalry is known as “Farmageddon”…..
(Yes I’m serious)
It’s like Armageddon, only these use combines and tractors…
WILDCATS 24-10

Georgia Tech at North Carolina
The question this week at the “Varsity”…
(Which is only home to the World’s Greatest Chili Dogs…. )
Can Tech bounce back from the Rambling Wreck in Lawrence Kansas?
No, not this week, is the appropriate answer…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Massachusetts at Michigan
Coach Rod and the Wolverines continue their “tough” out of conference schedule this week
But they had better not be looking ahead…
The Keebler Elves are coming to Ann Arbor next Saturday….
WOLVERINES 44-10

EDITORS NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I have been “unduly harsh” in my treatment of Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”. So let me say this….
When reporting that Rita attended a “Maze and Blue” alumni fund raiser recently wearing nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes I didn’t mean to imply that she was dressed like an old worn out stripper.
I meant to say, the Maze and Blue fund raiser must have been located near the airport…
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

Ball State at Purdue
Didn’t David Letterman go to Ball State?
Yeah, that isn’t going to make any difference here…
BOILERMAKERS 31-17

Juniata at Ursinus
Juanita is still bruised up from her tussle last week with Susquehanna…
And I understand Ursinus has a urinary infection
So I have to go with…
J-LO 28-23

Kent State at Penn State
So the “Golden Flashes” are coming to Jo Pa’s House….
There are SO many things I could say here….
But out of respect for Jo Pa, I won’t….
NITTANY LIONS 38-14

Delta State at Valdosta State
I have always been a fan of the Blazers…
But I am a Fighting Okra man….
I like it fried, boiled and pickled….
But I’m not a big fan of Okra Winfrey
BLAZERS 33-28

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
The Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think…
A lot closer…
REBELS 24-21

Jacksonville State at Georgia State
I wouldn’t bet against these Roosters if they were playing the Dallas Cowboys
GAMECOCKS 34-17

East Carolina at Virginia Tech
Maybe it’s just me…
But the Hokies don’t seem to have the same fire since they lost their Wangs
HOKIE POKEY 31-24

EDITORS NOTE: Of course I am talking about….
The loss of Ed Wang and his brother from the defensive front of the Hokies;
What did you think I was talking about?

Brigham Young at Florida State
The Cougars will encounter a strange new phenomena in Tallahassee this Saturday
which will be their demise in this game, it’s called…..“Humidity”
JIMBO’S NOLES 34-24

Colorado State at Miami (OH)
Although Miami of Ohio doesn’t have any palm trees….
It is known as the Cradle of Coaches…
That’s good enough for me…
REDHAWKS 23-17

Air Force at Oklahoma
I was very proud of the Falcons for upsetting the Cougars last week…
But I am afraid they are outmatched in this one…
BOOMER SOONERS 43-21

Southern California at Minnesota
The “Not so” Golden Gophers lost last week to a High School team from South Dakota…
Sooooooooooo……..
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Florida at Tennessee
Not that it’s all that important here, but Peyton Manning never beat the Gators
I just thought it was worth mentioning….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-17

Arizona State at Wisconsin
The Devils of the Sun…..
Cannot stand up to the Power of Processed Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 28-24

Defiance at Hanover
I have a question…
What is “defiance” so angry about?
They should take a tip from Okra Winfrey….
They don’t have to be angry and defiant “all the time”
HANDY HANOVER 23-10

Washington State at Southern Methodist
Coach June’s Ponies will be ready to ride this Saturday in Big D….
Believe it…
And just for the record it’s still Ownby Stadium to me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

North Carolina Central at Appalachian State
The Mountaineers came back from a four touchdown deficit against Chattanooga to win
Make no mistake…
The Mountaineers are for real…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

Hawaii at Colorado
The Warriors from the Land of Rainbow Bright…
Would fair a lot better in this game if they had Dog the Bounty Hunter on the sidelines…
BUFFALOS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights, check your local listings for times in your area.

Alabama at Duke
The Blue Devils will have a few tricks up their sleeves on Saturday…
But they are still going to get their asses kicked…
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Nebraska at Washington
The Huskies have a great history, with a great coaching staff and a fine young quarterback…
In fact I still love the great Coach James….
But the Huskers have the Black Shirts…
Sorry…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 24-17

Troy at UAB
The Men of Troy gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys all they could handle last week…
They are more than up to the task this week in this instate tussle…
MEN OF TROY 33-28

Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan
I have been corrected……
The term “Chippewa’s” does not refer to “Two Utes” in the Native American Language as I erroneously reported last week.
It actually means an ingrown hair. As in….
“If you shave too close you can get a Chippewa on your face”
Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-31

Southern Arkansas at North Alabama
I respect any team that calls themselves “The Mule Riders”
But this game is in Lion Country….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-20

Baylor at Texas Christian
The Bears might win this game…….
And Richard Simmons might be heterosexual…..
HORNED FROGS 34-17

Indiana at Western Kentucky
The most interesting thing about this game…….
Isn’t that the Big Ten is coming to Bowling Green…
It’s the fact nobody knows what the hell a Hoosier and a Hilltopper actually is…
HOOSIERS 24-17

Northwestern Oklahoma State at South Dakota
If the Boys from Dakota could knock off a Big Ten team last week….
Then should be able to handle this Tire Alignment Academy from Oklahoma
COYOTES 34-17

Louisville at Oregon State
Much like Ward Cleaver…..
I am all about the Beaver in this one…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In an effort to keep this a “family friendly” column…
I want the readers to take note that I did not in any way reference either Rosie O’Donnell or Lindsay Lohan in the above pick.
No need to thank me…

Eastern Kentucky at Chattanooga
The Colonels aren’t over their thrashing last week by Coach Strong’s Cardinals
and the Boys from Choo Choo Town are primed and ready….
Also, Chattanooga is the home of the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum, Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop…..
So there is that….
MIGHTY MOCS 33-24

Duquesne at Delaware
Little known fact….
If you say “Duquesne” after you drank a glass of Buttermilk…
Something gross will fly out of your mouth…
BLUE HENS 28-17

Georgia Southern at Coastal Carolina
I have no idea why the folks from Coastal Carolina….
Decided to name their team the “Chanticleers” ….
But I am pretty sure you need a shot of penicillin to clear it up…..
EAGLES 28-17

Portland State at Oregon
Unfortunately this game conflicts with the VH1 “Behind the Music” Special…..
The Music and Life of Screech from Saved by the Bell….
Set your recorders now….
QUACKERS 63-0

Akron at Kentucky
I have a philosophical question….
Since Akron is known as the “Zippers”…
Is it possible there is a team out there called the “Velcro’s”?
I’m just wondering…
WILDCATS 34-10

Navy at Louisiana Tech
Lately, the Bulldogs of Tech are playing more like the Taco Bell dog..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21

Middle Tennessee State at Memphis
The Velvet Elvis’s better bring their best game…..
I believe the Blue Raiders are motivated…
BLUE RAIDERS 24-17

Northwestern at Rice
This game will feature some of the highest SAT scores in all of college football…
Yeah, it’s that exciting…
WILDCATS 34-17

Mississippi State at LSU
Nothing says “FIGHT” quite like a game between the “Cats and the Dogs”
This one belongs to Mike….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17

Marshall at Bowling Green
Last week Doc Holiday and the Thundering Herd…
Were two minutes away from beating the Mountaineers of West Virginia….
They won’t need those two minutes this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Tulsa at Oklahoma State
I don’t want to think about the “Prairie Wind” touching a Golden Hurricane..
It makes me feel icky…
COWBOY UP! 38-17

Florida International at Texas A&M
I don’t know how “International” the boys from Florida are…..
Unless their school is close to Epcot Center, then I guess that counts for something…
Right?
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

Central Florida at Buffalo
I know, I know…..
It seems like every time I pick the boys from Disney they lose…
The curse is broken this weekend…
Or I am burning down “It’s a Small World”…..
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: If that song is stuck in your head, I apologize….
It hurts me too….

Toledo at Western Michigan
The Rockets don’t have enough fire to be called roman candles, much less rockets…
BRONCOS 28-10

Clemson at Auburn
I wish I had better news for my adopted Clemson family….
But I don’t….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 24-17

Presbyterian at Citadel
I just hope the moral fiber of the cadets from the Military College of South Carolina isn’t tainted by the arrival of bus loads of Blue Ho’s coming to campus.
BULLDOGS 28-17

Furman at South Carolina
If Chewbacca made enough money to have his own college…
Then why call it Furry man? Why not just call it Chewbacca U?
Never mind…
GAMECOCKS 38-10

San Diego State at Missouri
There is a very good reason why the Aztec’s disappeared from civilization…
They played with Tigers….
MO’S TIGERS 44-10

Montana at Eastern Washington
The Grizzles are on a mission after losing in the finals last year…..
Believe it….
GRIZZ 33-10

Maine at Syracuse
If this was a “Who has the ugliest Cheerleaders” contest…
Then it would be one heck of a contest….
OTTO’S ORANGES 17-14

Boise State at Wyoming
Bronco fans should be really encouraged in this game….
I don’t think the Cowboys have beaten Virginia Tech (yet)
Which is nice…
BRONCO’S 43-10

Fresno State at Utah State
Some people think that midgets jousting on burros is cruel and degrading…
I personally think it screams “Pay-Per-View”….
Not that it matters here…
DAWGS 33-31

Utah at New Mexico
I don’t know about you….
But a contest between Utes and Lobos sounds like a Disney cartoon movie to me…
TWO UTES 43-10

Notre Dame at Michigan State
I don’t know what is more disturbing…..
The midget from Notre Dame dressed like a leprechaun….
or their obsession with Golden Gnomes…..
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 27-24

Texas at Texas Tech
I have but one thing to say here….
“Welcome to Texas Tommy….I hope you enjoy your Longhorn ass whipping”
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-24

New Mexico State at UTEP
It just occurred to me…..
“UTEP” is an acronym for a Ute that has to go the bathroom….
AGGIES 23-21

Iowa at Arizona
Remember you heard it here first….
The Eyes of the Hawk will not be stopped…..
Until their meeting in November with the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State….
Then it’s anybody’s ball game…
HAWKS EYES 28-17

Houston at UCLA
Despite some key injuries last week, the Cougars are still dangerous…
As in really dangerous…
COUGARS 38-28

Wake Forest at Stanford
This game would be a lot more entertaining for me….
If Jimmy Swaggart was the Demon Deacon mascot….
And after getting all liquored up and having a crying jag at halftime he peed on the Stanford tree mascot.
Now that’s what I call entertainment.

Enjoy your games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

You didn’t think I was going to leave you yesterday….
Without recapping the games of the week and answering your emails did you?

I thought we knew one another better than that…..

I would never disappoint by beloved readers
(Or hardly ever…)

But enough about that….
We have a lot of games to discuss…..
So let’s get to it, shall we?

Coach Pete, are you with me?

TEAM NEWS

GRAMBLING: Coach Rob would have been proud, Congratulations.

STANFORD: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NOTRE DAME: See above, but not said in “a good way”

EDITORS NOTE: If you Irish fans think you will be getting Urban Myer out of Gainesville…
Think again. You couldn’t pry him out of Florida with a bucket of poop and a mop.

TENNESSEE: Never thought I would see the day…..
When a Tennessee Football Player would be dismissed from the team, much less three players.
I am speechless.

COLORADO: Just because my sister-in-law doesn’t run onto the field with the football team (anymore)
Is no reason to go in the tank at the end of the season.

MINNESOTA: Congratulations O’ So very Golden Gophers!
You needed a last minute field goal to beat the University of South Dakota State Technology Academy of Hair and Nail Design.
And you actually wonder why I make fun of you?

GEORGIA TECH: Congratulations Yellow Jackets on going to the ACC Championship.
You damn sure deserve it….

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: In the words of Maxwell Smart…
I missed the “Upset Special”
“By that much…..”

MISSOURI: In the name of Jesse James I will never doubt the Missouri Tigers again.

ALABAMA: Roll Tide Roll……

NCAA: If you are wondering “who” the next President of the NCAA will be….
I have in my possession a copy of the “Want Add” the NCAA posted recently for the lofty position.
“Wanted: Self absorbed holier than thou Dictator and tyrant with an inherent loathing of the southern states and all things southern, to include Texas and Oklahoma.
Must worship Satan and the University of Southern California, and routinely turn your blind and or prosthetic eye from said University and Pete Carroll, as well as Notre Dame, Michigan and all other Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” schools.
Must have experience crushing university traditions and changing their mascots, as well as catering to low life organizations such as the NAACP and those shady groups associated with Jesse “Shake Em Down” Jackson and Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Also, must like the “New Kids on the Block” and “Sponge Bob Square Pants”.

MICHIGAN: SOooooooooooo How’s that “new” coach working out for you?

CHATTANOOGA: GREAT comeback win over the Citadel! GO MOCCASINS!

NORTH CAROLINA: Now I know why no Hurricanes ever hit the Carolina coast…
The Tar Hells beat them down, Great win…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I understand Coach Pete and the “mighty” Trojans have a very good reason for their latest loss to Stanford…..
It was reported that the Trojan football team was suffering from a drug problem during the game this past Saturday.
The reason I can say that is because…
It looked like the Trojans got drugged up and down the damn field by Stanford…

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
“No” this never gets old for me…

GEORGIA: If you wonder why I picked the Bulldogs over Auburn, it was simple..
The Dawgs have Rambo on the team, enough said.
Glad you are doing better Rambo, you had us all scared there for a minute.

OREGON STATE: I have said it before and I will say it again….
I am all about the Beavers

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment was in no way intended as a sexual reference.
I just happen to be a Beaver fan, O.K.?

TEXAS A&M: In case you all have forgotten, let me help you out with this one.
How do you spell “defense” in Aggie Land?
“FIRE MIKE SHERMAN”

OHIO STATE: Congratulations on a trip to the Rose Bowl and a share of the conference title.
But if you have to play Stanford, the Buckeyes better be ready…..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mister Wizard –
I am sorry I am new to your website and I haven’t been able to keep up with the PAC 10 conference this year, so I have to ask you: After this past Saturday’s debacle…..
How many losses do the Southern California Trojans have so far this year?
Rachel – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Tree

Q: Sir,
I don’t know if you’re familiar with me or my work, but I’m world famous game show creator Chuck Woolery.
After reading of the troubles at many schools in regards to recruiting violations, I came up with a brilliant concept for a new game show.
Think recruiting!
Think Reggie Bush!
Think Pete Carroll!
The concept is this: You have a guy like Pete Carroll pursuing a highly prized, yet vastly overrated, recruit (who is actually the contestant) sort of like Reggie Bush.
The contestant has fabulous prizes, like a house in San Diego, lavished upon him as well as travel to exotic and luxurious locations.
At the end of the show we tally the net worth and send it to the NCAA who, as we all know, will do nothing!!!
What do you think? Is this a great concept or what?
Chuck – Los Angeles, California

A: Love your work Chuck, but it’s already been done….
It’s called “The NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans”
Sorry….

Q: Mike, now that Myles Brand is dead,
why hasn’t the NCAA moved out with their “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Thanks!
Jeff – Fort Payne, Alabama

A: The “secret” to the NCAA’s amnesia on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Southern California Trojans can be found in Myles Brand’s Will.
Which your favorite college football prognosticator has a copy of, because nothing is too good for my beloved readers.
It reads as such:
“….And should the University of Southern California Trojans, coached by my prodigal son Peter Carroll, lose 3 or more games in the 2009 season AND/OR fall out of the Bowl Championship Series competition for the National Championship, I do hereby direct the Investigative committee of the National Collegiate Athletic Association to complete their inquiries and investigation into the sordid Reggie Bush affair. It has been my goal to keep the “anointed one” in position to keep his team in a lofty position for continued success. If he can’t succeed with this assistance then he shall feel the wrath of the U$C boosters, alumni, and myself from the grave. Afterwards, I do hereby bequeath all perks to Notre Dame. God knows, they need all the help they can get. ”

Q: So, the NCAA attacks Florida State because of its mascot, gives Ole Miss a bunch of crap because of its rebel flag and the last verse of their fight song.
When do they make Oregon and Oregon State change the name of their rivalry game, the “Civil War?”
Oh, wait, they’re not from the South
Jake – Vicksburg, Mississippi

A: Jake, it’s like they say at the nursing home when somebody hits the numbers…
“Bingo!”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You never really talk about yourself, so I have to ask…
What are the ingredients for the “perfect” weekend for you?
Barbara – Beaumont, Texas

A: Funny you should ask Barbara….
I had what could be described as a “perfect” weekend this past Saturday
Tennessee and Auburn lost, the Trojans got trampled and Alabama and Texas won.
It really doesn’t much better than that where I am….

Your Week 12 Picks will be out on Thursday…..
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Not a bad week last week my friends…..

Hit the Florida State and Clemson Upsets….

(No Need to Thank Me, It’s how I roll….)

For the week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
was 40 and 9 or 82% and that leaves us at 369 and 97 or 79% for the season.

(Kill the applause Sign)

We have a big weekend before us….

This week we have a variety of Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” games
being played for a multitude of trophies including Pig’s Feet and the occasional Bejeweled Stick of Oblongata.

In Jacksonville Florida we have, with all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams,
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.”

And who can forget this weekend is the scariest of them all….

Yes my friends it’s “Halloween….”

And you all know what that means….

Little children come dressed as goblins and ghosts to your door and ask for candy….

Also, it’s time for Fat Phil Fulmer to rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat those very children that I mentioned above….

I pray none of your kids go dressed as a donut or a Bear Claw or they are goners for sure

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 29th

Valdosta Sate at West Georgia
The Wolves of West Georgia are outmatched in this instate battle…
I have a feeling this is going to get uglier than a Halloween costume contest at the Bowling alley on dollar beer night.
BLAZERS 38-10

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
Little known fact….
The Hokey Pokey is illegal to perform in 19 states and the District of Columbia
They are afraid that it really is what it’s all about…
HOKEY HOKEY HOKEY HI! 31-23

Friday October 30th

West Virginia at South Florida
The Bulls are hard to beat when the sun goes down…
But the Mountaineers brought couches and lighter fluid….
Light Em if you Got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Saturday October 31st

Moravian at Ursinus
Morey better watch his Uranus or he is going to get his ass kicked.

Texas at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys will keep this one too close to call….
Believe it…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-23

Ole Miss at Auburn
I cannot in good conscience pull for the “new” politically correct Rebels….
Even if they are playing the Tigers of the Plains
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-28

West Carolina at Chattanooga
I still think a “catamount” sounds like something nasty is going on….
MOCCASINS 24-17

California at Arizona State
I would watch this game
But “Zamfir” will be playing his “Greatest” Pan Flute hits on PBS
GOLDEN BEARS 6-3

Carson Newman at Wingate
Wingate sounds the college is in a “gated community”
Now that’s just pompous
SPARKS EAGLES 34-17

Miami (FL) at Wake Forest
Hurricane season isn’t over until November 1st….
It’s the Law…
HURRICANES 33-10

Ouachita Baptist at West Alabama
I have been incorrect in my characterization of the “Ouachita” Baptists
They are the ones that don’t believe in wearing shorts, I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-10

Kansas State at Oklahoma
Even if their new quarterback has a “football” mustache the Mighty Sooners are still a force of nature….
You know what a football mustache is right?
It has eleven hairs on each lip….
BOOMER SOONER 24-14

James Madison at Delaware
I don’t know anything about Jimmy, but his wife makes awfully tasty little donuts.
Not that it matters here, but that Miss Dolly is a sweetheart…
BLUE HENS 31-28

New Mexico State at Ohio State
Custer stood a better chance at the Little Big Horn than the Aggies do in the Horseshoe.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 45-10

Cincinnati at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him on Saturday night…
Believe it..
BEARKATS 43-14

North Alabama at Arkansas Monticello
If you sing the song “Moon River” and substitute “Boll Weevil” for moon river in the song
it makes for a much more entertaining version of a timeless classic.
I just thought you should know…
FLORENCE’S LIONS 31-21

North Carolina State at Florida State
I read this week the Wolfpack quarterback is “maturing” in the offense….
I wonder if that means his voice is changing and he is growing hair in funny places..
SEMINOLES 34-14

Delta State at Arkansas Tech
They call Tech “The Wonder Boys”….
Before this one is over they are going to be wondering why they tangled
With the Fighting Okra!
FIGHTN’ OKRA 28-14

Kansas at Texas Tech
My beloved Red Raiders are not the team they were last year…
But they still know how to GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-31

Samford at Citadel
There must be a lot of money in the “junk” business
when Fred Samford can afford his own college. I wonder if Lamont is the President of the school?
BULLDOGS 24-13

Nebraska at Baylor
I am not joking around here Cornhuskers….
If you don’t win this game
I will hold Lil Red hostage until the Shoney’s Big Boy admits Lil Red is his less successful and pudgier younger brother…
It will be painful, but I will do it…
HUSKER POWER 24-17

Weber State at Montana
Don’t get me wrong….
I think it’s wonderful the people that make a great tailgating grill have their own college.
But this is Grizzly Country…
GRIZZZZZZZZZ 38-14

Eastern Michigan at Arkansas
This game will be like “Crouching Tiger hidden Dragon”
Without the crouching tigers or hiding dragons
Other than that it will be exactly the same…
RAZORBACKS 45-0

Missouri at Colorado
I am not sure about Curley and Larry…
But MO knows how to administer a Buffalo Butt Whipping….
MO’S TIGERS 24-21

Rutgers at Connecticut
The Huskies have redemption this weekend for a lost teammate…
Count on it…
HUSKIES 28-23

Mississippi Sate at Kentucky
In a role reversal of nature…
The Blue Cats tree the Bulldogs…..
Count on it…
BIG BLUE CATS 24-20

Arkansas State at Louisville
Finally Coach K gives the fans something to cheer about…
At least for another week
CARDINALS 38-10

Central Michigan at Boston College
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Chippewa’s take down the Boy’s from Chesnutt Hill..
I’m serious..
CHIPPEWA’S 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
I bet Jerry Mathers is an Oregon State fan too…
How could he not be?
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

Coastal Carolina at Clemson
I don’t know about you…
But I think “Chanticleer” sounds like a cold sore
I shudder to think what their mascot looks like…
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt
The Rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech are neither rambling nor wrecking…
And that’s not good news for the Commodores
YELLOW JACKETS 43-14

Duke at Virginia
I would watch this game
but the East Timor Chimpanzee Poop Flinging Competition is going to be on ESPN U.
This weeks its all about distance….
BLUE DEVILS 13-7

Purdue at Wisconsin
This Big Ten Battle is played each year for the coveted Amish Ass Hat of Cheese
One safety tip…
Don’t wear it in the sun…
Or out in public…
BADGERS 31-28

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten Battle and you know what that means?
That’s right, another Battle for a coveted trophy and title.
This game is played for the “Prosthetic Pigs Foot of Des Moines”
It kind of reminds me of that one foot of my sister-in-law that looks like a hoof…
EYES of the HAWK 33-17

South Carolina at Tennessee
Don’t count out Coach Steve in this one, especially if Lane is still whining
Somebody needs to give that guy a pacifier..
VOWELS 23-17

Southern Miss at Houston
The Golden Eagles have a Houston size problem this week..
COUGARS 34-21

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Coach June and the Boys have it together this week….
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MIGHTY MUSTANGS! 31-24

San Jose State at Boise State
Little known fact….
“Livin La Vida Loca” is Spanish for “Jose is going to get his ass kicked……”
BRONCOS 43-10

Georgia at Florida
Jacksonville Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Nothing but Gators…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Michigan at Illinois
I think this “Big Ten” game is played for “Who has the Crappiest Weather” Trophy
Doesn’t matter, they are both ten miles from the Arctic Circle..
WOLVERINES 31-21

Iowa State at Texas A&M
Both of these teams have the exact same personality….
Except different…
CYCLONES 28-24

Temple at Navy
Did you know Bill Cosby went to Temple?
Yeah, that won’t matter on Saturday….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-14

UNLV at Texas Christian
Did I mention that I picked the Horned Amphibians to be undefeated?
I am still on track after this weekend…
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Air Force at Colorado State
This game is played for the “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
It is my understanding it will stay in Colorado Springs until Hell Freezes over…
FALCONS 31-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This reminds me…..
I need to get my “Dog the Bounty Hunter” fix….
I Love those guys…
WOLFPACK 33-14

Penn State at Northwestern
So “six” students in Happy Valley “aren’t” happy
over the “new” T-Shirt promoting the football team…
because they think it promotes Christianity?
Even though the design was voted on by the student body?

I guess we should call Boeing
and tell them to change the shape of their airplanes because the wings are in the shape of a cross.
What a bunch of ass monkeys…
Never mind…
JOE’S MIGHTY LIONS 24-14

New Mexico at San Diego State
You know what doesn’t rhyme with “Lobos”?
An Aztec ass whipping…
LOBOS 27-17

Washington State at Notre Dame
The Cougars have the same chance of winning this game as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a fitness model.
Slim and none..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-10

Tulane at LSU
The Battle for the Rag in Bayou Country…
By the time the Green Wave hear “O’ Say Can you see…….”
They will be behind by two touchdowns…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Southern California at Oregon
I know what you are all thinking so I will say it for you…
“My God, Can’t they Both Lose?”
QUACKS 28-23

Michigan State at Minnesota
This traditional Big Ten Battle is played for the “Giant Twirling Baton of Corn Dog”
It’s always funny until somebody loses an eye…
SPARTANS 24-17

Wyoming at Utah
Two Ute’s and a Cowboy walk into a bar mitzvah with an armadillo in a leather jacket…
Sorry, I didn’t know you had heard that one..
TWO UTES 38-17

Sunday November 1st

Marshall at Central Florida
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 24-21

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend

Happy Halloween

RTR
MEB

It appears from a number of emails I received that I have slighted the Mighty Florida State Seminoles by not covering their “epic” win over Brigham Young University in Monday’s weekend wrap-up.

That certainly wasn’t my intent, I assure you.

After all haven’t I been the lone voice in the wilderness…
Defending the Seminoles against the dictatorship of the NCAA?

Wasn’t I the only college sports writer that defended the institution of higher learning known as Florida State University when the NCAA mascot Nazis demanded the Seminoles change their mascot..
“to something less offensive”?

Have I not promoted Chief Osceola and Renegade as one of the greatest mascots in all of college football?

Did I not produce a “Special” week of College Football Picks “just” for Florida State fans a few years ago?

The recent criticisms of the Seminole faithful cut me deeply

And yet confuses me as well…

Frankly I wasn’t aware the Seminole faithful cared all that much…
At the risk of calling some fans “fair weather”
Let me explain…
Prior to the season and certainly after their first game of the season
The Seminoles had been unable to sell their allotment of tickets for home games.
Some blame the economy…
Others have blamed the recent NCAA witch hunt in Tallahassee
But the fact remains, when a Coach of Saint Bobby’s stature has to resort to begging the faithful to purchase tickets…
Well that just breaks my heart.

But enough about that…
I am here to right a perceived wrong…
So please accept my humble apology Seminole Faithful.
And let me say..
Congratulations!
You thrashed a team that has not been of any national importance since 1984.
Job well done!

Your College Football Picks will be out tomorrow morning
And Hootie Snitch will deliver his take on the Gator – Vol game for you on Friday

So Stay tuned

RTR
MEB

With little more than a week away from the opening kickoff of our 2008 College Football Season, it got me thinking about our passion for our teams, our colors, our players and our legends of the Fall.

The passion we share for this sport often transcends other thoughts and emotions.

The Love for our school and team runs deep and so does our hatred for our rivals.

I know graduates of the University of Montana that will not stop for gas (or anything else for that matter) in Bozeman because it is the home of the Montana State Bobcats. Which I was told sucks.

I have met Missouri Tiger Fans that will drive an extra 100 miles, just so they don’t have to go through Kansas on the way to Nebraska.

According to the Missouri Tiger Fan: “Kansas is known as the Sunflower State.
There are three kinds of Sun in Kansas. Sunflowers…Sunshine…and Sons of Bi#@&*!

Our passion begins at birth and does not end with death.

This past year Lady Bird Johnson passed away near Austin Texas.

Please notice the Priests giving the “sign” in the below video……..

WARNING: If you are a Texas A&M Aggie or an Oklahoma Sooner; please skip the video and continue reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

 That my friends….is Passion.

Enjoy Your Update!

TEAM NEWS

CINCINNATI: This past week BearKat quarterback Ben Mauk filed a lawsuit against the NCAA after the “organization” rejected the young mans final appeal for another year of eligibility.

The same day the lawsuit was filed, Hardin County Judge William Hart, in Mauk’s home area of Kenton, Ohio, granted a temporary restraining order that says the NCAA cannot prevent him from practicing with the BearKats.

The judge set an Aug. 22 hearing on Mauk’s request for a permanent injunction against the NCAA.

Mauk came back from career-threatening injuries to lead Cincinnati last year to a No. 17 ranking in the final poll. He passed for 31 touchdowns and 3,121 yards even though his right arm and shoulder were still in pain.

Mauk broke the arm and separated the shoulder in Wake Forest’s season opener in 2006, then transferred to Cincinnati.

He appealed to the NCAA for an extra year of eligibility because of the injuries, but was turned down.
A second appeal claiming he redshirted his freshman year at Wake Forest in part because of different injuries also was rejected.

Mauk then went to the NCAA’s reinstatement committee, which ruled last week there wasn’t enough medical documentation to support his claim that he missed his freshman year because of injury.
His lawsuit says it’s not his fault that files weren’t maintained.

The NCAA was disappointed by the ruling, a spokesman said:

“We look forward to explaining more fully our reasons for the decision and the careful review given not only by our staff but also by representatives from our member schools” spokesman Erik Christianson said in a statement.

Additionally the NCAA is threatening the University of Cincinnati with forfeiting their season if Ben Mauk even takes to the practice field.

EDITORS NOTE: Soooooo “other” member schools have a say-so in the rules and who is eligibile and who isn’t? Really? That is what I like to refer to as “A Damn Lie.”

NCAA: Don’t you all have something more important to do than screw with a quarterback in Cincinnati, like say for example….FINISH the INVESTIGATION into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Florida State defensive end Markus White returned to practice Friday, a day after suffering a seizure. FSU officals said that White takes medication to control an undisclosed medical condition and that Thursday was not the first time he had a seizure.

When Coach Bobby was asked if White should be playing under the circumstances, he replied; “Now listen, I have discussed this before and I still believe that you shouldn’t discriminate against anyone because of their skin color. I think there is a place on this team for Whites, Blacks, Hispanics and Lord what I would give to have an Asian Kicker, like that Polish kid we had a few years ago.”

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Dementia” in the 2008 Websters Dictionary, it says “See Bobby Bowden.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: It seems the Trojans have suffered a “rash” of injuries lately.
According to the Los Angeles Times over 25% of the Trojan team has been affected by Jock Itch.

Coach Pete Carroll told the Times that “he has never seen anything like the current outbreak” and is pointing the finger at the new compression shorts the team is wearing underneath their football pants.

EDITORS NOTE: Every other football team in America is wearing the new shorts and nobody has the same problem as the Trojans. Couldn’t be the Pink Thongs your team is wearing at practice? Right Coach?
(Please see the August 6th Update on your College Football Wizard)
No word yet on the status of the players affected or Coach Carroll’s yeast infection.

NOTRE DAME: Early last week Notre Dame Officals reported that Head Coach Charlie Weis had lost over 100 pounds during the off-season. Unfortunately Coach Charlie “turned around” and found it on Friday.

OLYMPICS: The Folks at NBC want you to believe that “The World is Coming to China” for the Olympic games. Really? So where is the Antarctica Beach Volleyball Team? My Point exactly….

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: STOP saying that Coach Rod’s wife is a ten dollar Hooker! She IS NOT a TEN DOLLAR Hooker! Got it!
Anonymous – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Coach, I mean “anonymous”… I never said your wife was a ten dollar hooker.
I said your wife “looks” like a ten dollar hooker, acts like a ten dollar hooker and talks like a ten dollar hooker. Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.

Q: Mike, it’s that time of year again, so I have to ask…What’s the difference between a Georgia Tech Cheerleader and a Pig?
P.S. How Bout them Dawgs!
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Stan, I would have to say about 25 pounds, a bad case of acne and Black and Gold painted toenails.

Q: Dear Sir: I am one of the Metaphysical Psychics hired by the University of Southern California Trojan football team to assist with the players delicate psychological balance.
Please desist with your negative comments concerning the Trojans, it is hurtful to the players.
Thank you.
Dr. Quan – Los Angeles, California

A: Wow, so you are a “mind reader”? Do you know what I am thinking right now?
If you guessed “The Trojans Suck”, you are right!

Q: Hey Mike! Could you tell me where I can find lingerie for a pig?
It’s not for me, honest! It’s for a friend.
Scooter – Lenoir City, Tennessee

A: I would suggest checking at Fredericks of Obknoxville.  

Only 12 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted next weekend.

RTR
MEB