You didn’t think I was going to leave you yesterday….
Without recapping the games of the week and answering your emails did you?

I thought we knew one another better than that…..

I would never disappoint by beloved readers
(Or hardly ever…)

But enough about that….
We have a lot of games to discuss…..
So let’s get to it, shall we?

Coach Pete, are you with me?

TEAM NEWS

GRAMBLING: Coach Rob would have been proud, Congratulations.

STANFORD: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NOTRE DAME: See above, but not said in “a good way”

EDITORS NOTE: If you Irish fans think you will be getting Urban Myer out of Gainesville…
Think again. You couldn’t pry him out of Florida with a bucket of poop and a mop.

TENNESSEE: Never thought I would see the day…..
When a Tennessee Football Player would be dismissed from the team, much less three players.
I am speechless.

COLORADO: Just because my sister-in-law doesn’t run onto the field with the football team (anymore)
Is no reason to go in the tank at the end of the season.

MINNESOTA: Congratulations O’ So very Golden Gophers!
You needed a last minute field goal to beat the University of South Dakota State Technology Academy of Hair and Nail Design.
And you actually wonder why I make fun of you?

GEORGIA TECH: Congratulations Yellow Jackets on going to the ACC Championship.
You damn sure deserve it….

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: In the words of Maxwell Smart…
I missed the “Upset Special”
“By that much…..”

MISSOURI: In the name of Jesse James I will never doubt the Missouri Tigers again.

ALABAMA: Roll Tide Roll……

NCAA: If you are wondering “who” the next President of the NCAA will be….
I have in my possession a copy of the “Want Add” the NCAA posted recently for the lofty position.
“Wanted: Self absorbed holier than thou Dictator and tyrant with an inherent loathing of the southern states and all things southern, to include Texas and Oklahoma.
Must worship Satan and the University of Southern California, and routinely turn your blind and or prosthetic eye from said University and Pete Carroll, as well as Notre Dame, Michigan and all other Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” schools.
Must have experience crushing university traditions and changing their mascots, as well as catering to low life organizations such as the NAACP and those shady groups associated with Jesse “Shake Em Down” Jackson and Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Also, must like the “New Kids on the Block” and “Sponge Bob Square Pants”.

MICHIGAN: SOooooooooooo How’s that “new” coach working out for you?

CHATTANOOGA: GREAT comeback win over the Citadel! GO MOCCASINS!

NORTH CAROLINA: Now I know why no Hurricanes ever hit the Carolina coast…
The Tar Hells beat them down, Great win…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I understand Coach Pete and the “mighty” Trojans have a very good reason for their latest loss to Stanford…..
It was reported that the Trojan football team was suffering from a drug problem during the game this past Saturday.
The reason I can say that is because…
It looked like the Trojans got drugged up and down the damn field by Stanford…

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
“No” this never gets old for me…

GEORGIA: If you wonder why I picked the Bulldogs over Auburn, it was simple..
The Dawgs have Rambo on the team, enough said.
Glad you are doing better Rambo, you had us all scared there for a minute.

OREGON STATE: I have said it before and I will say it again….
I am all about the Beavers

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment was in no way intended as a sexual reference.
I just happen to be a Beaver fan, O.K.?

TEXAS A&M: In case you all have forgotten, let me help you out with this one.
How do you spell “defense” in Aggie Land?
“FIRE MIKE SHERMAN”

OHIO STATE: Congratulations on a trip to the Rose Bowl and a share of the conference title.
But if you have to play Stanford, the Buckeyes better be ready…..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mister Wizard –
I am sorry I am new to your website and I haven’t been able to keep up with the PAC 10 conference this year, so I have to ask you: After this past Saturday’s debacle…..
How many losses do the Southern California Trojans have so far this year?
Rachel – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Tree

Q: Sir,
I don’t know if you’re familiar with me or my work, but I’m world famous game show creator Chuck Woolery.
After reading of the troubles at many schools in regards to recruiting violations, I came up with a brilliant concept for a new game show.
Think recruiting!
Think Reggie Bush!
Think Pete Carroll!
The concept is this: You have a guy like Pete Carroll pursuing a highly prized, yet vastly overrated, recruit (who is actually the contestant) sort of like Reggie Bush.
The contestant has fabulous prizes, like a house in San Diego, lavished upon him as well as travel to exotic and luxurious locations.
At the end of the show we tally the net worth and send it to the NCAA who, as we all know, will do nothing!!!
What do you think? Is this a great concept or what?
Chuck – Los Angeles, California

A: Love your work Chuck, but it’s already been done….
It’s called “The NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans”
Sorry….

Q: Mike, now that Myles Brand is dead,
why hasn’t the NCAA moved out with their “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Thanks!
Jeff – Fort Payne, Alabama

A: The “secret” to the NCAA’s amnesia on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Southern California Trojans can be found in Myles Brand’s Will.
Which your favorite college football prognosticator has a copy of, because nothing is too good for my beloved readers.
It reads as such:
“….And should the University of Southern California Trojans, coached by my prodigal son Peter Carroll, lose 3 or more games in the 2009 season AND/OR fall out of the Bowl Championship Series competition for the National Championship, I do hereby direct the Investigative committee of the National Collegiate Athletic Association to complete their inquiries and investigation into the sordid Reggie Bush affair. It has been my goal to keep the “anointed one” in position to keep his team in a lofty position for continued success. If he can’t succeed with this assistance then he shall feel the wrath of the U$C boosters, alumni, and myself from the grave. Afterwards, I do hereby bequeath all perks to Notre Dame. God knows, they need all the help they can get. ”

Q: So, the NCAA attacks Florida State because of its mascot, gives Ole Miss a bunch of crap because of its rebel flag and the last verse of their fight song.
When do they make Oregon and Oregon State change the name of their rivalry game, the “Civil War?”
Oh, wait, they’re not from the South
Jake – Vicksburg, Mississippi

A: Jake, it’s like they say at the nursing home when somebody hits the numbers…
“Bingo!”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You never really talk about yourself, so I have to ask…
What are the ingredients for the “perfect” weekend for you?
Barbara – Beaumont, Texas

A: Funny you should ask Barbara….
I had what could be described as a “perfect” weekend this past Saturday
Tennessee and Auburn lost, the Trojans got trampled and Alabama and Texas won.
It really doesn’t much better than that where I am….

Your Week 12 Picks will be out on Thursday…..
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Not a bad week last week my friends…..

Hit the Florida State and Clemson Upsets….

(No Need to Thank Me, It’s how I roll….)

For the week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
was 40 and 9 or 82% and that leaves us at 369 and 97 or 79% for the season.

(Kill the applause Sign)

We have a big weekend before us….

This week we have a variety of Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” games
being played for a multitude of trophies including Pig’s Feet and the occasional Bejeweled Stick of Oblongata.

In Jacksonville Florida we have, with all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams,
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.”

And who can forget this weekend is the scariest of them all….

Yes my friends it’s “Halloween….”

And you all know what that means….

Little children come dressed as goblins and ghosts to your door and ask for candy….

Also, it’s time for Fat Phil Fulmer to rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat those very children that I mentioned above….

I pray none of your kids go dressed as a donut or a Bear Claw or they are goners for sure

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 29th

Valdosta Sate at West Georgia
The Wolves of West Georgia are outmatched in this instate battle…
I have a feeling this is going to get uglier than a Halloween costume contest at the Bowling alley on dollar beer night.
BLAZERS 38-10

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
Little known fact….
The Hokey Pokey is illegal to perform in 19 states and the District of Columbia
They are afraid that it really is what it’s all about…
HOKEY HOKEY HOKEY HI! 31-23

Friday October 30th

West Virginia at South Florida
The Bulls are hard to beat when the sun goes down…
But the Mountaineers brought couches and lighter fluid….
Light Em if you Got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Saturday October 31st

Moravian at Ursinus
Morey better watch his Uranus or he is going to get his ass kicked.

Texas at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys will keep this one too close to call….
Believe it…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-23

Ole Miss at Auburn
I cannot in good conscience pull for the “new” politically correct Rebels….
Even if they are playing the Tigers of the Plains
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-28

West Carolina at Chattanooga
I still think a “catamount” sounds like something nasty is going on….
MOCCASINS 24-17

California at Arizona State
I would watch this game
But “Zamfir” will be playing his “Greatest” Pan Flute hits on PBS
GOLDEN BEARS 6-3

Carson Newman at Wingate
Wingate sounds the college is in a “gated community”
Now that’s just pompous
SPARKS EAGLES 34-17

Miami (FL) at Wake Forest
Hurricane season isn’t over until November 1st….
It’s the Law…
HURRICANES 33-10

Ouachita Baptist at West Alabama
I have been incorrect in my characterization of the “Ouachita” Baptists
They are the ones that don’t believe in wearing shorts, I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-10

Kansas State at Oklahoma
Even if their new quarterback has a “football” mustache the Mighty Sooners are still a force of nature….
You know what a football mustache is right?
It has eleven hairs on each lip….
BOOMER SOONER 24-14

James Madison at Delaware
I don’t know anything about Jimmy, but his wife makes awfully tasty little donuts.
Not that it matters here, but that Miss Dolly is a sweetheart…
BLUE HENS 31-28

New Mexico State at Ohio State
Custer stood a better chance at the Little Big Horn than the Aggies do in the Horseshoe.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 45-10

Cincinnati at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him on Saturday night…
Believe it..
BEARKATS 43-14

North Alabama at Arkansas Monticello
If you sing the song “Moon River” and substitute “Boll Weevil” for moon river in the song
it makes for a much more entertaining version of a timeless classic.
I just thought you should know…
FLORENCE’S LIONS 31-21

North Carolina State at Florida State
I read this week the Wolfpack quarterback is “maturing” in the offense….
I wonder if that means his voice is changing and he is growing hair in funny places..
SEMINOLES 34-14

Delta State at Arkansas Tech
They call Tech “The Wonder Boys”….
Before this one is over they are going to be wondering why they tangled
With the Fighting Okra!
FIGHTN’ OKRA 28-14

Kansas at Texas Tech
My beloved Red Raiders are not the team they were last year…
But they still know how to GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-31

Samford at Citadel
There must be a lot of money in the “junk” business
when Fred Samford can afford his own college. I wonder if Lamont is the President of the school?
BULLDOGS 24-13

Nebraska at Baylor
I am not joking around here Cornhuskers….
If you don’t win this game
I will hold Lil Red hostage until the Shoney’s Big Boy admits Lil Red is his less successful and pudgier younger brother…
It will be painful, but I will do it…
HUSKER POWER 24-17

Weber State at Montana
Don’t get me wrong….
I think it’s wonderful the people that make a great tailgating grill have their own college.
But this is Grizzly Country…
GRIZZZZZZZZZ 38-14

Eastern Michigan at Arkansas
This game will be like “Crouching Tiger hidden Dragon”
Without the crouching tigers or hiding dragons
Other than that it will be exactly the same…
RAZORBACKS 45-0

Missouri at Colorado
I am not sure about Curley and Larry…
But MO knows how to administer a Buffalo Butt Whipping….
MO’S TIGERS 24-21

Rutgers at Connecticut
The Huskies have redemption this weekend for a lost teammate…
Count on it…
HUSKIES 28-23

Mississippi Sate at Kentucky
In a role reversal of nature…
The Blue Cats tree the Bulldogs…..
Count on it…
BIG BLUE CATS 24-20

Arkansas State at Louisville
Finally Coach K gives the fans something to cheer about…
At least for another week
CARDINALS 38-10

Central Michigan at Boston College
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Chippewa’s take down the Boy’s from Chesnutt Hill..
I’m serious..
CHIPPEWA’S 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
I bet Jerry Mathers is an Oregon State fan too…
How could he not be?
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

Coastal Carolina at Clemson
I don’t know about you…
But I think “Chanticleer” sounds like a cold sore
I shudder to think what their mascot looks like…
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt
The Rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech are neither rambling nor wrecking…
And that’s not good news for the Commodores
YELLOW JACKETS 43-14

Duke at Virginia
I would watch this game
but the East Timor Chimpanzee Poop Flinging Competition is going to be on ESPN U.
This weeks its all about distance….
BLUE DEVILS 13-7

Purdue at Wisconsin
This Big Ten Battle is played each year for the coveted Amish Ass Hat of Cheese
One safety tip…
Don’t wear it in the sun…
Or out in public…
BADGERS 31-28

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten Battle and you know what that means?
That’s right, another Battle for a coveted trophy and title.
This game is played for the “Prosthetic Pigs Foot of Des Moines”
It kind of reminds me of that one foot of my sister-in-law that looks like a hoof…
EYES of the HAWK 33-17

South Carolina at Tennessee
Don’t count out Coach Steve in this one, especially if Lane is still whining
Somebody needs to give that guy a pacifier..
VOWELS 23-17

Southern Miss at Houston
The Golden Eagles have a Houston size problem this week..
COUGARS 34-21

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Coach June and the Boys have it together this week….
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MIGHTY MUSTANGS! 31-24

San Jose State at Boise State
Little known fact….
“Livin La Vida Loca” is Spanish for “Jose is going to get his ass kicked……”
BRONCOS 43-10

Georgia at Florida
Jacksonville Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Nothing but Gators…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Michigan at Illinois
I think this “Big Ten” game is played for “Who has the Crappiest Weather” Trophy
Doesn’t matter, they are both ten miles from the Arctic Circle..
WOLVERINES 31-21

Iowa State at Texas A&M
Both of these teams have the exact same personality….
Except different…
CYCLONES 28-24

Temple at Navy
Did you know Bill Cosby went to Temple?
Yeah, that won’t matter on Saturday….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-14

UNLV at Texas Christian
Did I mention that I picked the Horned Amphibians to be undefeated?
I am still on track after this weekend…
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Air Force at Colorado State
This game is played for the “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
It is my understanding it will stay in Colorado Springs until Hell Freezes over…
FALCONS 31-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This reminds me…..
I need to get my “Dog the Bounty Hunter” fix….
I Love those guys…
WOLFPACK 33-14

Penn State at Northwestern
So “six” students in Happy Valley “aren’t” happy
over the “new” T-Shirt promoting the football team…
because they think it promotes Christianity?
Even though the design was voted on by the student body?

I guess we should call Boeing
and tell them to change the shape of their airplanes because the wings are in the shape of a cross.
What a bunch of ass monkeys…
Never mind…
JOE’S MIGHTY LIONS 24-14

New Mexico at San Diego State
You know what doesn’t rhyme with “Lobos”?
An Aztec ass whipping…
LOBOS 27-17

Washington State at Notre Dame
The Cougars have the same chance of winning this game as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a fitness model.
Slim and none..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-10

Tulane at LSU
The Battle for the Rag in Bayou Country…
By the time the Green Wave hear “O’ Say Can you see…….”
They will be behind by two touchdowns…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Southern California at Oregon
I know what you are all thinking so I will say it for you…
“My God, Can’t they Both Lose?”
QUACKS 28-23

Michigan State at Minnesota
This traditional Big Ten Battle is played for the “Giant Twirling Baton of Corn Dog”
It’s always funny until somebody loses an eye…
SPARTANS 24-17

Wyoming at Utah
Two Ute’s and a Cowboy walk into a bar mitzvah with an armadillo in a leather jacket…
Sorry, I didn’t know you had heard that one..
TWO UTES 38-17

Sunday November 1st

Marshall at Central Florida
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 24-21

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend

Happy Halloween

RTR
MEB

It appears from a number of emails I received that I have slighted the Mighty Florida State Seminoles by not covering their “epic” win over Brigham Young University in Monday’s weekend wrap-up.

That certainly wasn’t my intent, I assure you.

After all haven’t I been the lone voice in the wilderness…
Defending the Seminoles against the dictatorship of the NCAA?

Wasn’t I the only college sports writer that defended the institution of higher learning known as Florida State University when the NCAA mascot Nazis demanded the Seminoles change their mascot..
“to something less offensive”?

Have I not promoted Chief Osceola and Renegade as one of the greatest mascots in all of college football?

Did I not produce a “Special” week of College Football Picks “just” for Florida State fans a few years ago?

The recent criticisms of the Seminole faithful cut me deeply

And yet confuses me as well…

Frankly I wasn’t aware the Seminole faithful cared all that much…
At the risk of calling some fans “fair weather”
Let me explain…
Prior to the season and certainly after their first game of the season
The Seminoles had been unable to sell their allotment of tickets for home games.
Some blame the economy…
Others have blamed the recent NCAA witch hunt in Tallahassee
But the fact remains, when a Coach of Saint Bobby’s stature has to resort to begging the faithful to purchase tickets…
Well that just breaks my heart.

But enough about that…
I am here to right a perceived wrong…
So please accept my humble apology Seminole Faithful.
And let me say..
Congratulations!
You thrashed a team that has not been of any national importance since 1984.
Job well done!

Your College Football Picks will be out tomorrow morning
And Hootie Snitch will deliver his take on the Gator – Vol game for you on Friday

So Stay tuned

RTR
MEB

With little more than a week away from the opening kickoff of our 2008 College Football Season, it got me thinking about our passion for our teams, our colors, our players and our legends of the Fall.

The passion we share for this sport often transcends other thoughts and emotions.

The Love for our school and team runs deep and so does our hatred for our rivals.

I know graduates of the University of Montana that will not stop for gas (or anything else for that matter) in Bozeman because it is the home of the Montana State Bobcats. Which I was told sucks.

I have met Missouri Tiger Fans that will drive an extra 100 miles, just so they don’t have to go through Kansas on the way to Nebraska.

According to the Missouri Tiger Fan: “Kansas is known as the Sunflower State.
There are three kinds of Sun in Kansas. Sunflowers…Sunshine…and Sons of Bi#@&*!

Our passion begins at birth and does not end with death.

This past year Lady Bird Johnson passed away near Austin Texas.

Please notice the Priests giving the “sign” in the below video……..

WARNING: If you are a Texas A&M Aggie or an Oklahoma Sooner; please skip the video and continue reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

 That my friends….is Passion.

Enjoy Your Update!

TEAM NEWS

CINCINNATI: This past week BearKat quarterback Ben Mauk filed a lawsuit against the NCAA after the “organization” rejected the young mans final appeal for another year of eligibility.

The same day the lawsuit was filed, Hardin County Judge William Hart, in Mauk’s home area of Kenton, Ohio, granted a temporary restraining order that says the NCAA cannot prevent him from practicing with the BearKats.

The judge set an Aug. 22 hearing on Mauk’s request for a permanent injunction against the NCAA.

Mauk came back from career-threatening injuries to lead Cincinnati last year to a No. 17 ranking in the final poll. He passed for 31 touchdowns and 3,121 yards even though his right arm and shoulder were still in pain.

Mauk broke the arm and separated the shoulder in Wake Forest’s season opener in 2006, then transferred to Cincinnati.

He appealed to the NCAA for an extra year of eligibility because of the injuries, but was turned down.
A second appeal claiming he redshirted his freshman year at Wake Forest in part because of different injuries also was rejected.

Mauk then went to the NCAA’s reinstatement committee, which ruled last week there wasn’t enough medical documentation to support his claim that he missed his freshman year because of injury.
His lawsuit says it’s not his fault that files weren’t maintained.

The NCAA was disappointed by the ruling, a spokesman said:

“We look forward to explaining more fully our reasons for the decision and the careful review given not only by our staff but also by representatives from our member schools” spokesman Erik Christianson said in a statement.

Additionally the NCAA is threatening the University of Cincinnati with forfeiting their season if Ben Mauk even takes to the practice field.

EDITORS NOTE: Soooooo “other” member schools have a say-so in the rules and who is eligibile and who isn’t? Really? That is what I like to refer to as “A Damn Lie.”

NCAA: Don’t you all have something more important to do than screw with a quarterback in Cincinnati, like say for example….FINISH the INVESTIGATION into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Florida State defensive end Markus White returned to practice Friday, a day after suffering a seizure. FSU officals said that White takes medication to control an undisclosed medical condition and that Thursday was not the first time he had a seizure.

When Coach Bobby was asked if White should be playing under the circumstances, he replied; “Now listen, I have discussed this before and I still believe that you shouldn’t discriminate against anyone because of their skin color. I think there is a place on this team for Whites, Blacks, Hispanics and Lord what I would give to have an Asian Kicker, like that Polish kid we had a few years ago.”

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Dementia” in the 2008 Websters Dictionary, it says “See Bobby Bowden.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: It seems the Trojans have suffered a “rash” of injuries lately.
According to the Los Angeles Times over 25% of the Trojan team has been affected by Jock Itch.

Coach Pete Carroll told the Times that “he has never seen anything like the current outbreak” and is pointing the finger at the new compression shorts the team is wearing underneath their football pants.

EDITORS NOTE: Every other football team in America is wearing the new shorts and nobody has the same problem as the Trojans. Couldn’t be the Pink Thongs your team is wearing at practice? Right Coach?
(Please see the August 6th Update on your College Football Wizard)
No word yet on the status of the players affected or Coach Carroll’s yeast infection.

NOTRE DAME: Early last week Notre Dame Officals reported that Head Coach Charlie Weis had lost over 100 pounds during the off-season. Unfortunately Coach Charlie “turned around” and found it on Friday.

OLYMPICS: The Folks at NBC want you to believe that “The World is Coming to China” for the Olympic games. Really? So where is the Antarctica Beach Volleyball Team? My Point exactly….

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: STOP saying that Coach Rod’s wife is a ten dollar Hooker! She IS NOT a TEN DOLLAR Hooker! Got it!
Anonymous – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Coach, I mean “anonymous”… I never said your wife was a ten dollar hooker.
I said your wife “looks” like a ten dollar hooker, acts like a ten dollar hooker and talks like a ten dollar hooker. Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.

Q: Mike, it’s that time of year again, so I have to ask…What’s the difference between a Georgia Tech Cheerleader and a Pig?
P.S. How Bout them Dawgs!
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Stan, I would have to say about 25 pounds, a bad case of acne and Black and Gold painted toenails.

Q: Dear Sir: I am one of the Metaphysical Psychics hired by the University of Southern California Trojan football team to assist with the players delicate psychological balance.
Please desist with your negative comments concerning the Trojans, it is hurtful to the players.
Thank you.
Dr. Quan – Los Angeles, California

A: Wow, so you are a “mind reader”? Do you know what I am thinking right now?
If you guessed “The Trojans Suck”, you are right!

Q: Hey Mike! Could you tell me where I can find lingerie for a pig?
It’s not for me, honest! It’s for a friend.
Scooter – Lenoir City, Tennessee

A: I would suggest checking at Fredericks of Obknoxville.  

Only 12 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted next weekend.

RTR
MEB