We have a serious problem in this country…
No, not that one, the “other” serious one….

No not that serious one, the “other” serious one…

I know this is going to bruise some feelings but this has to be addressed….
I am speaking of sports commentator’s ritual of “Inventing” words that do not exist.

Now it seems like everybody is getting on board…
Let’s face it folks….
Just because you say a word or make-up a name doesn’t make it so.
Case in Point….
Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted disease not a Swahili word for “beautiful flower”.
Say it all you want, name whoever you want that, it doesn’t change what the word really means.

Along these lines I am convinced CBS College Football Today is required to use the word “Trick-a-ration” three times an hour or they won’t get paid.
Use it all you want, guess what? It isn’t a damn word.
Same goes for the word “Fumble-roo-ski”.
Why do we have to put a polish spin on it? I don’t get it…
How about using the word “Trick Play” instead?
That phrase we understand.
Just for the record, each time I hear somebody on CBS College Football Today uses “Trick-a-ration” which in case you were wondering is used three times an hour even if the situation doesn’t warrant it, it makes my head want to pop off.

There are other words too you know what I am talking about, right?

Like “Phys-i-cal-a-ty”….
Guess what? That isn’t a damn word jackass.
A Player can be “physical” or he can demonstrate “physical play” but he doesn’t have “Phys-i-cal-a-ty”.
This is just plain stupid, but the commentators say it anyway don’t they?

Maybe this ridiculous trend all started with “American Idol”
and the glue sniffing Paula Abdul using the made up word “Mus-i-cal-a-ty”.
Which in case you were wondering isn’t a damn word, but was used by Paula in the following context; As in “His Mus-i-cal-a-ty” was so amazing, like the mus-i-cal-aty, was at the heart, you know?”

EDITORS NOTE: For full effect of the above word, please slur your words and roll your eyes while utilizing it in a sentence. It still won’t mean any damn thing; it will simply give other people watching additional elements of the absurd to laugh at..

The word “Amazing” in the above paragraph leads me to something else
The Over use of words

Everybody knows somebody that performed Mike Myers Austin Power’s imitations until you would flee in terror no matter where you saw him, church, grocery store, didn’t matter. You were out’a there…

EDITORS NOTE: For those of you that wondered why people conveniently went the other way when they saw you, I have some untimely news for you.
You were “that guy” mentioned above.
Sorry

That is how I feel about over used words and the people that use them…
Sounds like the title of my next book…
Like that would be so amazing, like it was simply amazing that I even thought about it you know?
Amazing that so many idiots can only use one word to describe a single event from the launching of the space shuttle which is still “Amazing” to Jessica Simpson’s new “Amazing” shoes which are not so amazing.

But I digress let’s get back to College Football….
It is important to note that people can provide information and be helpful..
but they cannot however be “Infor-mation-al”. What the hell does that even mean?

And while we are on the topic..
For the love of God, please stop using the term “Swagger”…
As in …
“We got our swagger back….”
“They really have some swagger out there Jim…”
“Where is their Swagger today Bob?”

I would rather hear your annoying friend..
dust off his Austin Powers “O’ Behave…”imitation than hear this overused term again.

Just so we agree…
“Swagger” is a product from Old Spice..
Not a catchy term for “Confidence” and even though I wish the terms were interchangeable, they are not.

And lastly….
As if this logic wasn’t difficult enough to follow…
Sports Commentators and College Football in general use words that we all believe have a single meaning, but in reality means something entirely different..
Case in point…
Most of us know what “suspended indefinitely” or “kicked off the team” means.

But at the University of Oregon, those terms mean something entirely different…
Those words actually mean “Three weeks”…
Who Knew?

More Later in the Week…
So Stay Tuned..

RTR
MEB

We have a lot of college football news to discuss from Tallahassee to Tacoma….
So let’s get to it…..

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: This past week Athletic Director Mike Hamilton alluded to the Volunteer Football Team wearing black jerseys at selected home games this year….
Despite the fact “black” is not an official color of the University of Tennessee.
In case you were counting….
The current list of “official” University of Tennessee school colors is as follows:
Orangutan Orange
County Work Crew Orange
Road Cone Orange
Hunters Orange
Glow in the Dark Neon Orange
Cheetos Orange
Baboon ass Orange
Pumpkin Orange
Orange peel Orange
Cheese Curl Orange
Nehi Soda Orange
Orange Crème
Infected Spider Bite Orange
Just plain Orange
Teal
Light Blue
Magenta
White
Off-White
Cream
And
Black

EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking…
But this is nothing….
You should see how many mascots they have…
Which we will discuss in a later article….

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: This past week Stewart Mandel of SI posted his list of the “Top Ten Best College Football Coaches of All-Time.”

Who was Number One?

Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant….

Which goes to show you even a gibbering idiot can get it right occasionally….

FLORIDA STATE: As Bobby Bowden and the Seminole Faithful wait patiently for word on their appeal to the NCAA on the 14 vacated wins…..
It’s important to remember…..
Coach Wally English….
That name doesn’t ring a bell?
He was the Coach for the Tulane Green Wave in 1983…..

The NCAA took two wins away from him that season for playing with what they determined as an ineligible player….
The NCAA said the Green Wave had one ineligible player…
It was the quarterback and the coach’s son…
John English…
But more importantly…..

One of those “wins” went to Bobby Bowden and Florida State….

That’s right….
One of Bobby’s 382 career victories….was actually a loss.

Never mind the 31 games Coach Bobby won at Samford that is counted towards his grand total or his “Big Win” in the Golden Isle Bowl against Gordon Junior College…

The date was September 17, 1983 and the final score was Tulane 34 Florida State 28…

Coach Bobby, according to the asterisk in the Seminole Media Guide, won the game by “forfeit”.

But according to an interview Coach Bobby did on November 9th 1983…
and I quote Coach Bobby….

“I wouldn’t mind getting a little forfeit; I’m getting to the coward stage and will accept a forfeit”

So now the NCAA wants to forfeit 14 Seminole wins from Bobby’s record because they said he used ineligible players.

I guess Coach Bobby has learned the first rule of the NCAA…..

The NCAA giveth and the NCAA taketh away……

SOUTH CAROLINA: This past week the Gamecocks “Self-Reported” 14 secondary violations relating to the football and other athletic programs at the University.
The national sports media couldn’t wait to promote that as a headline…
But what are the secondary violations?
Such heinous crimes as student athletes using expired meal cards….
Not returning their text books on time….
And…..
“Unauthorized” Snacks…..

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t be surprised if the NCAA doesn’t give them all the electric chair…

But yet not a single word from the national sports media about the status of the NCAA “Investigation” into Southern California and Reggie Bush…
Not a word….
But they couldn’t wait to promote “another” Southeastern Conference School as “Cheaters.”

EDITORS NOTE: My friends how much more are we going to take before we secede from the NCAA?

Coach Bobby, can I get an “Amen”?

ESPN: See “South Carolina” above, you cowards.

FOXSPORTS: Please see “ESPN” above….

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: “If” you can read it….
Please see “South Carolina” above….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS: Read the above, Trojan lovers..

NCAA: So now that we are on the topic….
Where the hell are we with the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Make no mistake….
We aren’t going away…

NEWBERRY COLLEGE: Thanks to the NCAA….
The Newberry “Indians” were forced to drop their nickname in 2007 because it was deemed racist by the fine folks in Indianapolis.

Since that time….
Newberry has been unable to come up with a nickname that will satisfy the students, alumni and the NCAA.

So Newberry is a school without a mascot.

That’s why I am here….
Hence forth they will be known as….
The Newberry College “We don’t have a nickname because Myles Brand is a Jackass.”

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
It doesn’t sound very catchy…
But it has less profanity than my first choice….

FLORIDA: Good News and Some Bad news…..
The Good News….
Coach Urban Meyer isn’t going anywhere….
The Bad News…
Notre Dame is stuck with Coach Weis….
Sorry Charlie….

WASHINGTON: The Huskies are quietly loading up….
Remember you heard it here first….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME: On Saturday the College Football Hall of Fame will induct a number of notable names from college football.
Certainly all are worthy….
But I am very pleased that the committee finally got off their collective butts and elected Lou Holtz and the Great Billy Cannon of LSU into the Hall of Fame.

Congratulations….

It’s about damn time….

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously……
You folks aren’t on probation yet?

Do I need to show you a copy of the “lease” between the sports agent and Reggie’s Momma?

I will be glad too….
I am here to help….

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mike now that your website is increasing in popularity, do you feel like all the publicity has changed you?
Melanie – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Well, in an effort to keep up with current culture I am considering changing one of my kid’s names to an inanimate object, like “toaster”.
And although I don’t make enough money to do something ”eccentric” like trying to buy the elephant man’s bones, I can report my Labrador retriever dug up a dead squirrel in the back yard.

Q: Mike I heard NCAA President Myles Brand is gravely ill, is that true?
Ben – Middleton, Kentucky

A: That was incorrectly reported Ben…
Actually he isn’t ill….

This past week a wooden steak narrowly missed Myles Brand’s heart and the entire staff of the NCAA went back to their coffins until the next full moon reaches its zenith, which of course means another NCAA investigation into a southern school.
Better luck next time Buffy….

Q: Dude, do you think this is the year USC will go undefeated in the PAC 10 and win the National Championship?
Jelly – Santa Clarita, California

A: USC isn’t in the PAC 10 dumbass…..
That is the University of South Carolina …
and in case you were wondering…
USC was an established university when Mexicans ran California….
Nice to know some things haven’t changed…

And by the way….
What kind of damn name is “Jelly”?

Q: OMG! You know Matthew McConaughey? Like for real?
You said he was your friend! Like OMG!
Can you please, please get me his autograph?
I LOVE him!
Please!
Tammy – New Orleans, Louisiana

A: Matthew warned me this would happen….

Q: Why are you making us wait?
Tell us who won the “new” Tennessee Dog Mascot Contest!
Come on and Tell Us!
Brad – Germantown, Tennessee

A: Sorry Brad, entries are still arriving weekly….
But the “Winner” of the “new” Tennessee Dog mascot Contest will be announced in the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza…coming soon…

Q: Mike you strike me as a philosophical man….
So I have to ask you…
Is the Hokey Pokey what it is really all about?
Thanks….
Ryan – Washington, D.C.

A: Well Ryan, it all depends on what your definition of “Hokey Pokey” is…
However, I will tell you….
Be careful using that term if you are traveling in or around the San Francisco area…
It takes on a whole different meaning there…
And as an added safety tip….
If you drop your wallet in that city, I would suggest you kick it to Reno Nevada before you pick it up…

Q: Mike I really enjoy your articles on college mascots.
But it occurred to me that my Indiana University doesn’t have a “Hoosier” mascot.
What gives? Shouldn’t they have a mascot to represent the Hoosiers?
Thanks!
Roy – Fort Wayne, Indiana

A: Actually Roy….
Indiana “had” a Hoosier mascot until a few years ago….
Despite looking like the progeny of “Brutus” the Buckeye and “Lil Red” of Nebraska,
Like many mascots “Hansel” the Hoosier came into this world all cute and cuddly.

But unfortunately “Hansel” the Hoosier was arrested for breaking into Dugan’s Garage and huffing gasoline.
He is currently in Rehab and the University hopes he will be released in 2010.

Enclosed is Hansel’s picture captured by a surveillance camera in Dugan’s Garage.

It’s sad really….

Q: Sir I am confused….
Is the University of New Mexico known as the “Lobo’s” or the “Hobo’s”?
Thanks!
Ronnie – Carlsbad, New Mexico

A: Glad you asked Ronnie…..
The proper name and pronunciation of the mascot of the University of New Mexico is “Ho-Bo’s”, hope that has cleared up any misunderstand.

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to say that there is a certain coach in a certain state that borders Georgia and North Carolina that really got a bum deal last year after getting beat by Wake, Alabama, and Maryland and others.
I mean, c’mon, this team got whipped by that devil Saban. Everybody knows he’s a lyin’ dog. He shouldn’t even be at Alabama after he said he wasn’t going there!! If he wouldn’t have been there, well, the school in question probably wouldn’t have got beat. And then Wake Forest!! Heck, they’re a ACC powerhouse. C’mon, that’s powerhouse with a capital ‘P’. And Maryland. Heck Ralph “the Fridge” Fridgeon is an offensive genius. He made the unnamed school’s defensive coach’s pull their hair out!
Maryland is just good like that.
Well, I just wanted to get that off my chest. This coach feels really, really bad about all that. He’s livin’ down on the beach in Florida now, mopin’ around, and wishing that all those alumni that gave him all that money to leave the unnamed school would have just kept their mouths shut. By the way, he’s looking for a school in the PAC 10 to coach at so he doesn’t have to win those dang National Championships. Those guys just want to make sure the participation rules are followed so that all their boys playing football still have high self esteem.
Sincerely,
Bommy Towden

A: Stop writing me Tommy…
Or I will get a restraining order…

Only 48 days until Kickoff….
Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out soon…
Enjoy your weekend….

And as a side note…
Be careful Hank and get home safe and sound…

RTR
MEB

I guess they can’t handle the truth….

After my commentary last week….
The twin towers of stupidity had the unmitigated gall to title their next article….
“Meet their Match: Can anyone Catch Southern California?”

Are you kidding me?
The gibbering idiots at the College Football News went on to say…
“That if Southern California can survive their brutal road schedule, they will be a lock for the National Championship game.”

Brutal road schedule, is that some sort of a joke?
Granted they play The Ohio State Buckeyes in the Big Horseshoe this year..
But playing at Washington, Notre Dame and Oregon is brutal?

I half expected to hear them squeal like 10 year old girls while they were writing…
“O My Gosh, they like also play at California and at Arizona State!…
They are like playing Golden Bears and Sun Devils, that just sounds so scary!
But that Coach Pete is just so dreamy…
Where is that picture of him in Tiger Beat?”

While they were in the throngs of ecstasy wallowing in their love of Saint Pete and the Trojans, they once AGAIN failed to mention anything about the “on-going” NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

Instead….
They wanted us all to know that eleven players have left the University of Tennessee football team since Lane Kiffin took over as head coach. They also felt obligated to inform us that Coach Kiffin had given a scholarship to a kid that was convicted of a heinous rape a few years before.

But…..
They failed to mention anything at the time about the Trojan’s Frostee Rucker.
He was a defensive lineman that was expelled from Colorado State for sexually assaulting a female student and indecent exposure.
He was immedately recruited by Saint Pete and Southern California and accepted a scholarship to play for the Trojans.

But the story doesn’t end there….
It was reported that Rucker sexually assaulted another girl while at Southern California in August of 2005.

The shocking part to all of this?
He never missed a game at U$C….
Not one…
In fact the story never came to light until his eligibility with the Trojans expired.
What a crazy coincidence, right?

You want to talk about “Golden Boy” Mark Sanchez and his Rape Charge?

I didn’t think so….

You still think I am being too harsh?

Last week ….
The NCAA released their findings on the Graduation Success Rates (GSR) data of the various universities and colleges.
In case you didn’t know…
The NCAA has mandated that University and College athletic programs must meet a specific criteria for graduation of athletes or risk being banned from post season play.

The fine folks (Nazis actually….) from Indianapolis..
Penalized the football programs from Chattanooga, Jacksonville State and McNeese State….
As well as other smaller schools….
And banned them from post-season play.

But interestingly enough….
Not one, but two PAC 10 Universities scored below the accepted minimum…
And lower than two of the colleges mentioned above…
Yet they were not penalized at all….

Maybe….
They didn’t penalize the PAC 10 schools because they aren’t in the South?

You still need convincing?

The NCAA will not allow ANY tournaments in the state of Mississippi….
Because “they” don’t like the state flag….
Despite the fact the fine people of Mississippi voted to keep the current flag design..
I guess the folks in Indianapolis choose not to recognize popular elections in this country..

The NCAA will not allow ANY tournaments in the state of South Carolina…
Because the confederate battle flag flies over a confederate monument on the grounds of the state capital.
I guess the NCAA believes they have the right to tell the STATE of South Carolina what displays they should have on STATE property…

The reason I mention this…
Is because…

The NCAA didn’t ban any tournaments or anything else for that matter….
In Los Angeles after the Rodney King Riots…

They didn’t ban any tournaments in Boston due to racial strife or gay marriages..

They won’t penalize a state until they account for all illegal aliens…
And “undocumented workers”…

They won’t ban teams in a state that provides a haven for terrorists and Muslim extremists..

They won’t punish a city that bans Military Recruiters from college campuses…

So are we to believe that only Southerners are raciest?

If you believe that then I bet you didn’t hear or read about this…
On February 8, 2007 several Southern California Trojan football players created and joined a racist Facebook group as a “joke”….

The racist Facebook group was called “White Nation”: it showed a graphic of a swastika and a black baby in handcuffs with the caption “arrest black babies before they become criminals.”
The group was created by U$C linebacker Clay Matthews and was joined by teammates David Buehler, Brian Cushing, Dan Deckas and Dallas Sartz and others…

Coach Pete Carroll responded to reports of the incident by saying he had “No Plans to discipline the players” and U$C later announced that none of the players would be punished.

According to Pete Carroll….
“It’s not a controversy, it’s a mistake.”

What would have been the national media’s reaction….
If that would have happened in Gainesville, Starkville or Clemson?
Or God Forbid…
Alabama….

At the very least…
We would have been subjected to a week long “Mississippi Burning” marathon on TBS..

According to the national sports media and the NCAA…
We Southerners are the only cheaters…

But it’s O.K. that Pete Carroll in February 2007 lied about his and Reggie Bush’s contact with Joe McKnight to both the NCAA and his employer.
You remember that right?

U$C compliance officials announced they were investigating whether an NCAA violation occured during the Trojan’s pursuit of Louisiana prep star running back Joe McKnight. The investigation followed reports that McKnight had told reporters that U$C Coach Pete Carroll had set up a conference call so he and high school coach J.T. Curtis could be reassured by ex-Trojan running back Reggie Bush that U$C would not be punished for a separate NCAA Investigation into improper benefits taken by Bush while at U$C.

Carroll later denied that any call took place, and Curtis said that McKnight misspoke.
But…
According to NCAA officials, if U$C got Bush’s help in recruiting McKnight….
It would be considered a “secondary violation” of recruiting rules…

But the NCAA gave them a pass….

Just like the NCAA gave U$C and Dwayne Jarrett a pass when he “didn’t know” he had to pay rent at a luxury apartment at $4500.00 dollars a month for a year and a half.

EDITORS NOTE: If you are counting….
In rent alone that comes to Over 80K…

No mention of course….
From the NCAA on utilities or what type of ride D-Wayne had at the time…
I guess they “didn’t know” they should have looked into that too….

If you think I am being picky here..
Try that stunt next time you buy groceries…
Just take what you want and head to the car…
In the event you get caught…
Just tell them..
You “didn’t know” you had to pay for them…
And then see how far that gets you…

All the while…
The national sports media and the NCAA..
Wants to “look into serious violations of student athlete miss-use of text books” at Alabama…
It was reported that “Up to fifteen hundred dollars of text book mis-use has been reported…”

Wow and you call that a scandal?
But Reggie Bush and his family can accept Hundreds of Thousands of dollars in cash…
Flights…
Weekend getaways…
Vehicles…
From a registered Sports Agent while at U$C..
And it’s all O.K.?
Right?

If it seems at times I take this all too seriously…
It’s because I do…

Because…
I don’t like smartass yankees and sue happy Californians picking on my beloved South…

If they keep this up I might just run for the President of the Republic of Texas…
Don’t laugh..
I am a hellava lot more qualified than what you have seen lately…

RTR
MEB