Thanksgiving is right around the corner….
And that means one thing…

The next three weeks the fiercest rivalries in all of college football will be played.

There will be Egg Bowls and Apple Cups…

Civil Wars and Good Ole Fashioned Hate

There will be Iron wills and Iron Bowls….

Just thinking about it….
Can make your stomach queasier than Aunt Edna’s five bean casserole
Where are my Tums?

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Much like Elvis and Richard Petty, it’s good to be the King.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather astounding 46 and 10 last week or 82%.
This leaves me at 504 and 120 or 81% for the season.
But just for the record…
“NO” I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns…

EMAIL LETTER(S) OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
You sir, espouse to be a southern gentlemen and are a self ascribed expert in all things southern.
So I have question that my family and I are in hopes you can help us with.
Upon moving to the “south” from up north, specifically Springfield Illinois, we were appalled at how prejudiced everyone is in the south.

People in our new neighborhood laughed at me when I put our mailbox up with our name on it!
And some kids drove by and told me to “get the hell out of the neighborhood!”

My wife and I went to a local church and someone there pointed at my name on my visitors “Hello My Name Is” tag
and that person told me “We don’t mind you coming to church here, but there better not be any funny business going on in the back pews”.
I have never been so shocked and appalled in all my life!
So I ask you sir, why would people in such a “friendly southern town” react in such a harsh way to strangers from the north!
Is it the way we look, is it the way we talk or is there something wrong with our name?
I ask you?
Moe and Ima Queer, Rome, Georgia

A: Seriously….
“MOE and IMA QUEER”
You are the Queer Family?
I think I just whizzed on myself…

Q: Sir,
We are avid readers of your web site and were wondering if you could do us a favor.
You see, we are producers and directors of adult “art” films.
Just want you to know that even the Supreme Court ruled that our movies were NOT pornography, but art.
So, what we would like to know is if you have some kind of copyright or trademark claim on the title “Pirates and Blue Ho’s”
because we were thinking it would make a GREAT title for our next production.
It would be a classic retelling of rather amorous Pirates pillaging a Connecticut village of Democrats and the subsequent sexual escapades.
It’s pure genius.
Sincerely
The Dark Bros.
Burbank, Ca.

A: Now, the emails are just getting creepy..

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Now everybody has done heard about that Fig Newton kid from Auburn….
And what’s them Auburn fans a saying?
Why that boy’s daddy’s a preacher he didn’t take no money or ask for nothing!
Cause he’s a Preacher!
Well let me tell you something about that….
My wife Sassy and I have been married for 53 years and we have been going to the same church here in Opp Alabama since we known one another….
And during that whole time up until last Sunday they pass the plate for the “Building Fund” and they hadn’t bought so much as a new door knob since we been there.
But the Preacher drives a new Cadillac…
So don’t be telling me cause a man claims to be a preacher he won’t take something that don’t belong to him”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend, see you soon…

THE PICKS

Thursday November 18th

Georgia State at Alabama
“coach” Bill Curry asked for this game…..
The lesson to be learned here…
Be Careful what you ask for….
CRIMSON TIDE 43-10

UCLA at Washington
Where is Coach James when you need him….
BRUINS 24-21

Air Force at UNLV
Last time I was in Vegas I lost some money at the tables…
And I wanted to bomb the town myself…
This Saturday I get my revenge..
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-17

Friday November 19th

Fresno State at Boise State
Wow…….
Another tough opponent for the Smurf Turf Boys….
What? The Taxidermy Academy isn’t available on Friday Night?
BRONCOS 113-3

Saturday November 20th

Purdue at Michigan State
As you might have guessed….
This Big Ten game is played for a “trophy”
It looks like a monkey playing an accordion…
Which is creepy…
SPARTANS 34-20

Penn State at Indiana
Hoosier? As in Hoosier Daddy?
That would be Joe Pa……
JOE’S LIONS 33-24

West Virginia at Louisville
There was a time this game decided the Big East Championship…
This isn’t the time…
STRONGER CARDINALS 33-31

Troy at South Carolina
Two things I know about this game….
The Gamecocks are going to Atlanta….
And Troy is going to get his ass whipped..
GAMECOCKS 38-10

North Carolina State at North Carolina
This instate Tobacco Road rivalry is called…
“The North Carolina – North Carolina State Rivalry”
You have to admit…
The name is descriptive
PACK OF WOLVES 34-31

Virginia at Boston College
It’s tough to win on Chestnut Hill…..
This game will prove my point..
CHESTNUT EAGLES 33-17

Oklahoma State at Kansas
The Prairie Wind blows into Kansas and touches Dorothy and Toto in naughty places.
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Wisconsin at Michigan
This Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Decoupage Cheese of Doom”
I heard it smells a lot like Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
After it’s been in the sun for ten days…
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21

Yale at Harvard
This a HUGE game in the Ivy League….
Which is another reason why nobody cares….
Seriously nobody cares

Pittsburgh at South Florida
Most people would tell you the Panthers have this game in the bag..
I’m not most people
NO BULL 24-21

Appalachian State at Florida
The Gator Nation is depressed over the 2010 season….
This game will make you all feel better
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

East Carolina at Rice
Rice gets caked by the Pirates…
Believe it
PIRATES 31-17

Duke at Georgia Tech
The Blue Devils will be far too distracted….
by the heavenly smells drifting across the field from the home of the world’s greatest chili dogs…
The Varsity….
To put up much of a fight…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-24

Chattanooga at Wofford
I don’t know if “Wofford” was named after Chewbacca’s kid…
Or is it a pesky variation of the Whopping Cough…
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Citadel at Samford
The boys from the Military College of South Carolina…
Lay a Carolina Butt Whipping on Fred and Lamont…
Believe it
BULLDOGS 38-10

Montana State at Montana
This hate filled instate battle in Big Sky Country is called….
“The Brawl of the Wild” and it is played for The Great Divide Trophy
This game is “hate thy neighbor” at its finest
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-24

UTEP at Tulsa
The winner of this game has a shot at the “Vienna Sausage Bowl” in Valdosta Georgia
Yeah, it’s that important
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-34

Colorado State at Wyoming
The Cowboys might win this game…
And Janet Reno “might” be a woman…
RAM TOUGH 33-17

Kansas State at Colorado
The Buffalos will win one for their coach who shouldn’t have been hired in the first place
BUFFALOS 28-24

Clemson at Wake Forest
Have faith My Tiger Faithful…..
DABO’S TIGERS 28-17

Kent State at Western Michigan
“Golden Flashes and Bronco’s”….
Makes me think Grandpa got naked and jumped on the horse and is headed to town..
GOLDEN FLASHES 24-21

Weber State at Texas Tech
The Boys from the Grilling College gets smoked in Lubbock…
Which just so happens to be the Home of Buddy Holly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 48-10

Marshall at Southern Methodist
I have mixed emotions in this game….
I love the Thundering Herd…
But I am a Mustang Man…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Illinois at Northwestern
This instate battle in the land of Lincoln….
Is played each year for the “Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
As opposed to the “Diet Light Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”….
It has all the flavor of the regular Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, but less calories…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-31

Ole Miss at LSU
That foam rubber bear that is supposed to somehow be a “Rebel”….
Get’s his ass eaten alive by Big Mike the Tiger…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

Arkansas State at Navy
This game is going to be uglier than an orangutan in a prom dress…
MIDSHIPMEN 53-10

Central Florida at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a lime green trickle by the time this one is over..
KNIGHTS OF GOLD 44-14

Florida Atlantic at Texas
As God as my witness……
They better not lose this one…
LONGHORNS 34-17

Ohio State at Iowa
This game will be for the Big Ten Title..
Just like I said it would be..
No Need to thank me.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-24

Stanford at California
In California….
They call this “The Big Game” and it’s played for the Stanford Ax
Which basically means nobody outside California gives a crap
CARDINAL 6-3

Virginia Tech at Miami
It’s too close to Thanksgiving not to pick the Fighting Turkeys
That’s how I roll
HOKEY POKEY 34-28

Memphis at UAB
I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building…
BLAZERS 38-17

New Mexico State at Nevada
I hate to think about Pistol Pete getting devoured by a pack of hungry wolves
It reminds me of an episode of “When Animals Attack”
PACK OF WOLVES 43-20

New Mexico at Brigham Young
The cougars deliver a low blow to the lobos like a hobo on a yo-yo..
(I can do this all day …)
COUGARS 43-10

Connecticut at Syracuse
I cannot believe I am writing this…
OTTO the ORANGE 31-24

Army at Notre Dame
This game will be played in Yankee Stadium….
As God intended it to be…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-28

Arkansas at Mississippi State
Hawgs and Dogs……
I love that German Ice Cream….
HAWGS 34-24

Missouri at Iowa State
This Big 12 Rivalry is played for the…..
“Telephone Trophy”
Yes, I’m serious…
MO’S TIGERS 34-31

Tennessee at Vanderbilt
This instate “rivalry” in the Volunteer State is played for the…
“Petrified Possum Trophy”…
Honestly…
It looks eerily similar to Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
VOWELS 38-17

Rutgers at Cincinnati
In this Big East Battle….
I will go with the boys from Chili Town…
KATS of BEAR 28-21

Nebraska at Texas A&M
This game will be too close for comfort for the Children of the Corn
MIGHTY HUSKERS 28-24

Oklahoma at Baylor
This game will be closer than you might think….
A Lot closer..
BOOMER SOONER 31-28

Florida State at Maryland
The Seminoles are finding ways to win and the Turtlemen are finding ways to lose…
It’s just that simple
NOLES 33-24

Southern California at Oregon State
Some people might think..
I would make an off-color joke about “Trojans and Beavers……”,
But I am better than that….
At least this week I am better than that…
LAME CHEATERS 5-3

Houston at Southern Miss
The cougars are playing more like Sylvester the Cat…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

Utah at San Diego State
So these two Utes were making fun of this ancient Aztecs butt floss…
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 34-24

San Jose State at Hawaii
Jose? As in “San Jose”…..
I think Dog the Bounty Hunter arrested him on the last episode…
Which can be seen on the A&E Channel on Wednesday nights…
Check your local listings for times in your area
WARRIORS electric sliding across RAINBOWS 38-10

Enjoy Your Games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

There are some things in this life I know for a certainty
For example….
Why a dog licks himself….

EDITORS NOTE: The correct answer is…
“Because he can”

But there are other questions in the universe that continue to confound even the brightest minds
For instance….

Why does a dog eat cat poop?
They are sworn enemies….
Is that supposed to send a message to all felines that “I got one over on you” by eating their poop?
I don’t get it….

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
No, this column is not going to be about poop….
But if I had a video of monkey’s throwing poop I would have it on here..

But I say all of that to say this….
How in the hell is Lame Kiffin a Head Coach of anything?
And…
What does a shark in a foam rubber costume…
Have to do with being the Ole Miss “Rebels” mascot?

EDITORS NOTE: I retract my earlier statement….
I guess this column was about poop….

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

After last week your Favorite College Football Prognosticator feels a little bit like the Alabama Crimson Tide after their game with the South Carolina Gamecocks.

Bruised, battered and disappointed.

Last week I was a “not so impressive” 46 and 11 or 81% and that leaves me at 295 and 55 or an underachieving 84% for the season.

In an effort to get back on track I am pulling out the “Big Guns”

Not only will Rufus Johnson return this week to “Drop Some Knowledge on Yo’ Ass”
But the Picks this week will be in Honor of Chuck Norris’s Birthday…

EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking….
Isn’t Chuck Norris’s birthday March 10th?
Yes it is….But Chuck Norris decides when his birthday is, not you.
Unless you want to die.

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON
“Football is a lot like life. It ain’t about winning, cause everybody is a good winner and everybody like to win. It’s about how you handle yo self after a loss. You going to lose a lot in this life and you better get used to it, but that don’t make you a loser. It’s what you do with a loss that makes you what you are”

THE PICKS

Thursday October 13th

South Florida at West Virginia
Chuck Norris doesn’t make a splash when he jumps in the water….
The water is just getting out of his way….
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-14

Valdosta State at North Alabama
The Blazers get torched in Florence….
Believe it
MIGHTY LIONS 33-28

Friday October 14th

Cincinnati at Louisville (Bucket of nails)
This rivalry game between the river city’s is played for the “Keg of Nails”
Which coincidently is what Chuck Norris has every morning for breakfast
STRONGS CARDINALS 31-28

Saturday October 8th

Illinois at Michigan State
The Fighting Pumpkins are on a roll after their win in Happy Valley…
But the Spartans are at home and they are ready to rumble
SPARTANS 28-21

Pittsburgh at Syracuse
Little known fact….
Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience…
PANTHERS 24-21

Maryland at Clemson
I still believe in the Power of Death Valley and Howard’s Rock…
Yeah, it’s like that…
DABO’S TIGERS 27-23

Southern Miss at Memphis
If you play “Chuck Norris Says” and you don’t do what Chuck Norris says…..
You Die….
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-17

Minnesota at Purdue
This game is like watching old people eat steak at the Golden Corral…
At first it’s kind of funny….
Then it’s just sad…
BOILERMAKERS 34-17

Dickinson at Susquehanna
Emily Dickinson has a College?
Susie is going to whip her candy ass..
SUSIE Q 33-10

Boston College at Florida State
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes…..
Chuck Norris has 72 pairs of chromosomes and they are all poisonous…
NOLES 38-17

Arkansas State at Indiana
Chuck Norris does not get frost bite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
HOMERS 43-10

North Carolina State at East Carolina
There is light at the end of the tunnel….
You better pray it’s not Chuck Norris
WOLF PACK 38-14

Miami (OH) at Central Michigan
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes…
CHIPPEWAS’ 28-17

Vanderbilt at Georgia
UGA VIII who is also known as Big Bad Bruce will take the field as the Georgia mascot during the homecoming festivities between the hedges this weekend. And as a side note…
I Love that big ole dog…
SIC EM DAWGS 33-17

Miami (FL) at Duke
If Chuck Norris were a calendar………..
Every month would be named Chucktober and every day he’d kick your ass.
HURRICANES 34-10

Akron at Ohio
The only thing faster than the speed of light is the speed of Chuck Norris’s fist
ZIPPERS 33-24

Gettysburg at Juniata
I am still not over the loss at Gettysburg….
Just so you know…
J-LO 33-17

Western Michigan at Notre Dame
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword….
He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick
FIGHTING IRISH 34-21

Texas at Nebraska
I wish I had better news for my beloved Longhorns….
But I don’t..
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-21

Rhode Island at Delaware
Little known fact…
Chuck Norris can tap dance through a mine field….wearing clown shoes.
FIGHTING BLUE HENS 44-10

New Hampshire at James Madison
Contrary to popular belief….
A handicapped parking sign does not signify that the spot is designated for handicapped people.
It is in fact a warning…..
That the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
DUKES 34-17

California at Southern California
According to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity….
Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday…
DA BEARS 6-5

Wake Forest at Virginia Tech
Leading hand sanitizers clam they can kill 99% of germs…
Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants too…
HOKEY POKEY 28-24

Iowa at Michigan
Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” has said she will be wearing something “Lucky” for the game on Saturday against the Hawkeyes.
Let’s hope it’s a bag to go over her head….
EYES OF THE HAWK 33-24

Southern Methodist at Navy
This game is going to be fight from start to finish…..
It’s played for the coveted “Gansz Trophy”
Who I believe was the first guy Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-31

Houston at Rice
This intercity Cow Town Battle is for the “Bayou Bucket”
And the Bucket of Bayou goes too….
COUGARS 31-28

Middle Tennessee State at Georgia Tech
It’s important to remember….
Lightning doesn’t strike twice, Chuck Norris does…
YELLOW JACKETS 33-17

Tennessee State at Jacksonville State
Curiosity killed the cat…..
Every other cause of death: Chuck Norris
GAMECOCKS 38-24

Brigham Young at Texas Christian
Chuck Norris doesn’t have bad days…..
Bad days have Chuck Norris..
HORNED FROGS 38-31

Georgia Southern at Chattanooga
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear…..
It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic.
It was so terrified in fact….
That all of its decedents now have white hair…
STATESBORO EAGLES 33-31

Citadel at Appalachian State
Chuck Norris wears sunglasses to protect the sun from his eyes…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

Utah at Wyoming
Even Two Utes are no match for Chuck Norris….
TWO UTES 54-10

North Carolina at Virginia
There is no Theory of Evolution….
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live….
TAR HEELS 28-17

Iowa State Oklahoma
Have you ever wondered how George Washington got across the Delaware River?
Everyone got into their boats and Chuck Norris punted them across….
BOOMER SOONERS 43-17

Ohio State at Wisconsin
The Buckeyes always have a problem in Madison with the Power of Cheese…
This game will be no different…
BUCKEYES 28-24

Baylor at Colorado
Just for the record…..
Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people…
He makes people dead…
BUFFALOS 33-24

Kent State at Toledo
Pictures of Chuck Norris are considered currency in most countries…
BOTTLE ROCKETS 31-17

Arizona at Washington State
Chuck Norris only has one Hand….
The upper Hand…
WILDCATS 114-0

McNeese State at LSU
Smells Like Home Coming in Death Valley…..
Cowboy Down….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10

Boise State at San Jose State
What’s the easiest way to a person’s heart?
Chuck Norris’s Fist…..
BRONCOS 132-0

Air Force at San Diego State
According to California High School History Books….
This wouldn’t be the first time the United States Air Force Bombed the Aztecs…
MIGHTY FALCONS 33-10

Montana at Portland State
Chuck Norris was once asked to play “Rock, Paper, Scissors”
When he learned roundhouse kick was not an option…
He immediately decapitated everyone with a roundhouse kick
GRIZZZZZZZ 34-10

Oregon State at Washington
You can ask anybody….
I am all about the Beavers…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-24

New Mexico State at Fresno State
If you misspell “Chuck Norris” on Goggle…..
It doesn’t say: Did you mean Chuck Norris?
It says….
RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!!
PISTOL PETE 28-24

Nevada at Hawaii
Chuck Norris doesn’t have a reflection in the mirror…
Because it’s afraid to look at Chuck Norris….
PACK OF WOLVES 44-17

Ole Miss at Alabama
It’s time for the Tide to Roll in….
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17

Missouri at Texas A&M
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…a suicide.
MO KNOWS 31-24

South Carolina at Kentucky
This game will be closer than you might think….
A Lot closer…
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Carson Newman at Catawba
I thought Catawba was a wine?
Who knew they had a college too?
SPARKS EAGLES 34-21

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if Boone’s Farm has a college.

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
Chuck Norris doesn’t live on earth….The earth lives under Chuck Norris.
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS 34-33

Arkansas at Auburn
This game has all the potential to be a shoot-out….
Because it will be…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 31-28

Mississippi State at Florida
The Gators return to form…
But they have to work for it….
URBAN GATORS 24-21

Kansas State at Kansas
This game is called the “Sunflower Showdown”
And that is explanation enough on why Chuck Norris will never attend this game..
WILDCATS 28-24

Army at Rutgers
There is only one thing we can be sure of in this life….
Chuck Norris
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-21

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Many of you have been kind enough to write “What Happened to Last Weeks Picks?”

I was going to write that I had the unfortunate experience of listening to a replay of a conversation between ESPN “commentator” Pam Ward and “commentator” Beth Mowins and the combination of the their two voices gave me an aneurism.

But that wouldn’t be true.

We all know that combination would make your head pop off your shoulders.

The fact is….

I wanted to make time stop…..
Just for a day….
In Honor of the Steel Magnolia

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Now you might not believe this….
But Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator Picked every game correct last week..
You don’t believe it?
Have no fear “those numbers” won’t be included in the overall tally…
But thus far we are 249 and 44 or a rather substandard 85% for the Season.

But have no fear College Football Fans….
In an effort to break this drought, I am bring in my “not-so” secret weapon

One of Opp Alabama’s Favorite Sons….
The Fishing Philosopher of Barker’s Pond…..
Mister Rufus Johnson…..

Or as he is fond of saying to me….
“Take a seat young blood….
I’m going to drop some knowledge on yo damn ass…”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Football is lot like life, it’s full of trick plays and sometimes you get burned on a long one you should have seen coming, but what you got to do is put that play behind you; because you ain’t getting it back. Tighten that chin strap and show them what you are made of; now get yo damn ass back in the game and hit somebody.”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend…
Next week Rufus will discuss his fishing trip with God….
No, I’m serious; he said he really went fishing with the Boss and I’m not talking about Bruce Springsteen

THE PICKS

Thursday October 6th

Nebraska at Kansas State
I have seen all the movies…..
I know what the Children of the Corn are capable of in Farm country…
It’s Frightening…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 33-17

Delta State at Arkansas Monticello
This titanic Battle between the Fighting Okra and the Bo Weevils…..
Well it may not be a “titanic” battle….
But the mascots are awesome and that’s good enough for me…
FRIED OKRA (My personal favorite) 24-17

Friday October 7th

Connecticut at Rutgers
I got this pick from my “adopted” family in Atlantic City…
Now I know what you are thinking…
But just because they are Italian-Americans
Does not mean they are involved in any way with organized crime…
And as a side note….
They asked for the addresses of my “negative” emails….
They said they wanted to “talk” to them…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 31-27

Oklahoma State at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is in for a rough ride in Stillwater…..
And by that I mean they are going to get an Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions
COWBOY UP 38-10

Saturday October 8th

Indiana at Ohio State
The Hoosiers get Hammered in the Horseshoe
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: I’m not sure….
But I think if I could have managed three other words beginning with “H” in that sentence I would have set some kind of personal record.

Central Michigan at Virginia Tech
This game features Native Americans and Turkeys….
I wasn’t aware we were that close to Thanksgiving?
HOKEY POKEY 33-28

Boston College at North Carolina State
I don’t know if you heard that sound?
It’s me jumping on the Pack of Wolves Bandwagon….
WOLFPACK 28-17

Syracuse at South Florida
Otto the Orange should feel right at home in Florida….
That is until the Bulls squeeze the pulp out of him
NO BULL 34-14

Illinois at Penn State
The Fighting Pumpkins get smashed in Happy Valley…
Film at Eleven
JO PA’S LIONS 28-17

Minnesota at Wisconsin
This rivalry in the Big Twelve, or Eleven…I Mean Ten
Is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan’s Axe and a Slab of Bacon”
Little known fact….
They added the “bacon” element to the trophy a few years ago to ward off Islamic terrorist; the tactic appears to be successful.
BADGERS 38-21

Baylor at Texas Tech
The folks from Waco have one of the finest medical schools in the country.
Yeah that’s about all I have to say about the Baylor Bears…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 33-21

Juniata at Muhlenberg
This Trailer Park Tussle features…
Juanita, or “J-Lo” as she prefers to be called…
Against….
The Mule Faced German girl….
That German girl has a face only a bulldog could love..
And she looks like she could bench press a Buick….
That’s good enough for me.
MULE GIRL 28-17

Tennessee at Georgia
I have a philosophical question before I make this pick between the hedges…
If the Coaches and Players at the University of Tennessee can’t count to “11”
Then how hard is it to get a math degree from there?
I’m just asking…
SIC EM DAWGS 28-24

Memphis at Louisville
I will make this one simple….
Charlie’s Cardinals are Stronger than the Velvet Elvis’s…
STRONGER CARDINALS 34-14

Chattanooga at Citadel
If you are in Chuck-Town this weekend, don’t miss this game
It’s going to be a shoot out
Believe it
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Bowling Green at Ohio
This Battle of the Buckeye State is played for the “Dirty Sock Monkey Trophy”
Why I have no idea…
BOWLING FOR FALCONS 33-31

Colorado State at Air Force
This Rocky Mountain Rivalry is played for the Ram Falcon Trophy
And it is my understanding that it will stay in Colorado Springs
Until Colorado becomes Ocean front property
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-14

Elon at Appalachian State
That poor little Cuban boy…..
This game could easily constitute child abuse…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17

Idaho State at Montana
the Grizzlies are for real and Idaho is famous for their potatoes…
There’s your difference
GRIZZZZZZ 34-10

Wyoming at Texas Christian
This game is going to be uglier than…..
“Take Your Pig to the Prom” night in Baneberry Tennessee
HORNED FROGS 44-10

Pittsburgh at Notre Dame
This ancient college football rivalry is played for the coveted “Shillelagh of Shame”
This sounds like something you really “don’t” want to win
If you know what I mean…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Akron at Kent State
Since 1946 this game between the “Zippers” and the “Golden Flashes”…
Is played for the coveted “Wagon Wheel” Trophy….
Golden Flashes and Zippers?
That sounds like something nasty is going on at the nursing home
ZIPPERS 24-17

Virginia at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck is going to be on the Cavaliers faster than Bill Clinton on an Intern.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10

UNLV at West Virginia
Vegas comes to Morgantown West “By God” Virginia
Talk about your culture shock…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-10

Arkansas at Texas A&M
This game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl
Because we have no idea which team is going to show up…
HAWGS 31-24

North Alabama at North Georgia
There are far too many references to “North” for me in this game…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-24

Army at Tulane
The Black Knights of the Hudson better calm the Green Wave….
Or there will be a “Change of Command”….
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-17

Michigan State at Michigan
As you all know this game is played for the “Paul Bunyan Ax”
Which most Wolverine Alumni would like to plant in Coach Rod’s head.
WOLVERINES 33-31

Clemson at North Carolina
Both teams are struggling to hang on to the football….
Don’t be surprised if this isn’t a “Fumble Fest”
DABO’S TIGERS 28-24

Oregon at Washington State
The Bulldogs of Sweeny Texas could beat Washington State….
And that’s a fact…
QUACKERS 142-0

WofFord at Georgia Southern
Chewbacca gets the Statesboro Blues….
I love that Album…
EAGLES 33-17

San Diego State at Brigham Young
Just so you all know….
When I use the term “Ancient” as in Ancient Aztecs…
I am not in any way referring to Bobby Bowden…
COUGARS 44-10

Wingate at Carson Newman
Wingate? That sounds like the name of some smart ass rich kid….
I hope he gets his ass whipped…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-21

Navy at Wake Forest
It is my understanding that Jimmy Swaggart will act as the Demon Deacon mascot for this game
I wonder if you could go on a crying jag while he makes balloon animals.
I think the kids would love it
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Utah at Iowa State
Two Utes in a Cyclone?
Wasn’t that a Disney movie?
TWO UTES 38-17

Miami (OH) at Cincinnati
This instate war on I-75 will go to the Boys from Chili Town
BEARKATS 33-17

Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt
A Commodore out ranks anyone with an Eagle…
Those are the rules…
DORES 28-14

Colorado at Missouri
MO knows how to tame a Buffalo….
And just for the record…
Curly is my favorite of the Three Stooges
MO’S TIGERS 33-17

James Madison at Towson
The Number Three Dukes take on the Towson Cookie factory…
They better watch out, I hear those elves are tricky
DUKES 38-17

Occidental at La Verne
I wonder if La Verne is Occidental prone?
Sometimes I wonder too much…
OXY MORON 21-17

East Carolina at Southern Miss
I wish I was in Hattiesburg right now….
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-28

Purdue at Northwestern
I wish I cared, but I don’t
WILDCATS 28-14

Auburn at Kentucky
The Wildcats will keep this really close until right after the Fly Over…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Southern California at Stanford
Unfortunately this game comes on at the same time…
as the Amish Butter Churning Championships or I would watch it….
I think Ishmael could win it all this year
CARDINAL 34-24

Tulsa at Southern Methodist
Two Words for you….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Toledo at Boise State
Another “tough” out of conference opponent for the Smurf Turf Bunch…
And in case you were wondering…
The Broncos scheduled Toledo
Because the Breaux Bridge Hair and Nail Salon Academy is busy preparing for Notre Dame next week
BRONCOS 167-3

Florida State at Miami
This instate battle in the Sunshine State won’t seem the same without Coach Bobby wandering helplessly on the sidelines with his Vietcong hat and his pants with the forty inch zipper.
Ah Good Times…
NOLES 33-28

Mississippi State at Houston
This Pick is for my beloved Bulldog faithful…
Miss Melanie, Larry and their beautiful girls and of course Bulldog Jim
BULLY DOGS 38-21

New Mexico at New Mexico State
This instate battle is known as the Rio Grande Rivalry
And it is played for “The Maloof Trophy”
Which closely resembles a bucket of sand with a cactus stuck in it…
Which is nice
PISTOL PETE 28-24

Rice at UTEP
My Favorite Pudding takes a pounding at the Hands of the Miners
MINERS 34-17

Hawaii at Fresno State
This game is played for the “Golden Screwdriver”
Yes, I’m serious….
Which reminds me….
That Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E network on Wednesday Nights
Check your local listings for times in your area.
BULLDOGS 28-24

San Jose State at Nevada
I would watch this game…..
But the History of Jell-o is going to be on the Food Channel…
Sorry
WOLF PACK 56-0

UCLA at California
I am trying to remember why I am supposed to care about this game?
BRUINS 6-3

Alabama at South Carolina
This will be a fight from opening bell to the final whistle…
Believe it..
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Arizona State at Washington
There are a lot of questions surrounding this game…
For instance…
Why should we care?
Is there anything on the Food Channel?
What’s that on the carpet?
You get the picture..
HUSKIES 31-27

Oregon State at Arizona
Keep the faith Beaver Jim….
This is going to happen
BEAVERS 24-21

LSU at Florida
The Mighty Gators bounce back and Les Miles gets a Mickey Mouse Watch
I call this a “Win-Win”
MIGHTY GATORS 28-21

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is Back!

Before we catch up on lost times…..
I want to thank you all for your kind words in response to my article about Charlie.

I cannot begin to tell you how good it was to see him when I returned.
Simply put: Charlie is “The Man”.

I also want to thank you for your emails and all the prayers while I was deployed.

I greatly appreciate it and will never forget your kindness.

We have a lot to catch up on my friends, so let’s get started.
In case you were wondering, I missed you all too.

Enjoy your update!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS (REWIND)

 At my age it’s comforting to know that some things don’t change…..
For example…
Coach Rod’s wife still looks like a ten dollar hooker and Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music (Minus the classic music and talent). But there will always be those events that shock and amaze you and not always in a good way.
So, forgive me as we look back at the 2008 college football season and then catch up on a few email questions and answers. 

THE GOOD

FLORIDA: As the Mighty Gator Nation “may” recall….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator picked you to win the BCS Championship back on August 9^th.

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, it’s what I do.

ALABAMA: An undefeated regular season….I didn’t see that one coming.

EDITORS NOTE: But I enjoyed it (immensely) from afar.

NEBRASKA: I told you Coach Bo would bring the Huskers back….
Congratulations on a winning season and bowl victory.

EDITORS NOTE: There are a lot more wins to come, believe me Husker Fans.

PENN STATE: Congratulations on the Big Eleven…I mean Ten Championship.

EDITORS NOTE: Glad you are feeling better Joe, we missed you on the sidelines.

CLEMSON: As I recall, the last time the Tigers had a former Alabama player as a Coach you won the National Championship.

Congratulations on a great choice.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes will be stronger this year than ever. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, before you ask; that also means another win over Michigan.

FLORIDA STATE: GREAT NEWS! Coach Bobby has agreed to be cryogenically frozen and coach from the comfort of his liquid nitrogen encased stainless steel container through the year 2120!

 GEORGIA: How Bout them DAWGS!

THE BAD

UTAH: When I am wrong, I admit it.

I picked the Ute’s last year in the “Pre Season Extravaganza” as…

“Pretenders”….

I couldn’t have been more wrong……

EDITORS NOTE: I know what a “Ute” is now.
It’s something that ruined my Sugar fix on 2 January 2009.

TEXAS: Great season and a tremendous Bowl win….
But let me put this gently….

Between the Heisman Ceremony and the BCS Committee..
You all must feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”

 The Longhorns should have been playing the Mighty Gators….

OREGON STATE: Damn It

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I hate Coach Croom left…I really do.

MICHIGAN: You had a chance to get Les Miles, but you all wouldn’t listen to me.
The Wolverines misery won’t end with 2008…Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet you all thought I was going to say something about Coach Rod’s wife, didn’t you.

 That will come later in the week….

TEXAS A&M: I still have R.C. Slocum’s cell phone number; you want it?

OKLAHOMA: Losing two games in a season would warrant raises and parades in most places.
But Norman Oklahoma isn’t “most” places.
The Sooner’s better crank it up a notch or two…

The natives are getting restless….

THE UGLY

NCAA: SOOOoooooooooooooooo

You have the time and resources to investigate everybody from the University of New Mexico to Florida State, but you can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s address?

 So just tell us this….

Who have you sold out to?
Was it the ABC network and ESPN?

That 350 Million dollar contract to broadcast PAC 10 football games lined your pockets nicely…..

Was it Adidas?
They really know how to reward an organization for keeping their “Star” endorsement out of trouble.

Or is it that the NCAA is just that corrupt and blind in its favoritism?

Enquiring minds want to know….

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record, “No”, I will not give this up until I take my last dying breath.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?

TENNESSEE: So Fat Phil renegotiated his contract with a “healthy” buy out clause months before he gets canned….How convenient.

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank the administration and the athletic department at the University of Tennessee…
For hiring a new football coach that is easy to make fun of.

NOTRE DAME: On the subject of “healthy” contract buyouts…
Unless the Irish purchase Fort Knox they won’t get Uncle Charlie out of South Bend anytime soon.

 AUBURN: So “Ears” Tubberville took flight and took his high finger salute with him.

 Don’t let the door knob hit you on the back of the head on the way out the door…

 EDITORS NOTE: No wait, that joke was intended for Terry Bowden…
Never mind, it’s still funny.

PAC 10 Conference: Is “Choke” the Official Drink of your Conference?
Just wondering…….

 BCS Committee: As a Safety Tip: You all may not want to vacation in Texas anytime in the foreseeable future.

EMAIL Q&A

 Q: Mike “Welcome back Dude!” Hey I have to ask….
Did you see anything crazy during Mardi Gras when you were in the Middle East? Thanks and Welcome Back!
Trey – Baton Rouge, Louisiana

 A: Thanks Trey; and I know what you really want to know.
Mardi Gras in the Middle East has plenty of T & A……Toes and Ankles.

 Q: Mike, my family and I LOVE the television game show “Jeopardy”!
We watch it religiously!
My question is: Why isn’t there a program on television for college football with the format of Jeopardy?
I think it would be AWESOME!
What do you think?
The Kowalski Family – Madison, Wisconsin

 A: My powers of Prognostication do not extend to programs such as Jeopardy.
Case in point…..
I remember the last time I saw “Jeopardy”.
Alex said:”A Rhino, a Unicorn and Chuck Mangione.”

I would have said….”Three things I don’t want drunk and loose in my house”
See what I mean?

Q: I read something about a Tennessee football player suing a large food manufacture?
Do you have any information on that and by the way welcome home.
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Thanks Stan, I appreciate it.
It’s true; a “number” of Tennessee football players are involved in a “class” action lawsuit against Banquet Food Corporation for “False Advertisement”.

It seems their complaint is specifically against the “Banquet Pot Pie”.
The Tennessee football players cited…
 “They were hard to light and didn’t give us the buzz we were expecting”.

Q: Mike we are all really excited here in Minnesota about the upcoming 2009 College Football Season! Go Gophers!
The students here are trying to come up with a new catch phrase to get people excited about our state and Golden Gopher football in 2009!
Do you have any ideas that may help us out?
Thanks!
Tiffany – Saint Paul, Minnesota

A: How does this grab you….
“Ever Vigilant Minnesota: Keeping Canada at bay since 1873”

Q: Mike I have a simple question.
Why the hell didn’t Colt McCoy win the Heisman trophy last year?
Troy – Bangs, Texas 

A: Good question Troy and I have a simple answer for you.
The Heisman Trophy ceremony is televised by ESPN, which is owned by ABC.
ABC televised the BCS Championship last year.
How did they start promoting the game before the Heisman Trophy was awarded?

The first game between “two” Heisman Trophy winners….
See where this is going? Glad I could help.

Q: Mike where has Hootie Snitch been since you have been deployed?
We were looking forward (in a weird kind of way) to his updates in your absence.
Was he deployed on the Global War on Terror Too?
Dave – Little Creek, Virginia

A: I guess you could say Hootie was “technically” deployed.
By “deployed” I mean ordered to the county work farm after he was convicted of stalking the select committee at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.

If nothing else he is determined to get his mamma on the ballot for the 2009 inductees.
Hootie will be released back into the wild (appropriately) on April 1^st.

 If you get a chance, cast your ballot for Rowena Ratt Snitch at…..

 http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Tell them Phil Fulmer sent you…..

Q: Mike, I just have to ask…
Are you going to write a book about your adventures?
Thanks!
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi

A: Thank you for asking Holly.
I am in the process of writing a historical biography.

“It Sucks to be You” – The Genghis Khan Story

Q: Mike in all your world travels,…
Is there anything that you want to share with us that could broaden our horizons…
and possibly enrich our lives on planet earth?
Salantra – Pasadena, California

A: Note to self: Never put Chap Stick on in the men’s room of a bad ass biker bar.

 It sends the wrong message – that’s all I’m saying.

Q: Mike I have a question that has bothered me for some time.
Should we really be involved in the toppling of dictators and the crushing of evil empires?
James – Cave City, Kentucky

A: I believe if we want to fight tyranny….
and dispose of a dictator and an evil regime….
 We should start with Miles Brand and the NCAA in Indianapolis Indiana.

College Football News and Views will be out later in the week.

Have a GREAT Week….

 RTR

MEB

If you are just joining us…..
This is the segment were we review the games from the past week and look at College Football team news and answer some of your Email Questions.

In other words, what did we learn from the games last weekend?

Let me tell you what I learned last week….
On a personal note: Since I am neither Joe Namath or Justin Wilson, I should have known better that to EVER guarantee ( Pronounced: Gar-on-Tee) anything, much less a Football Game.

So, for the Beautiful Miss Susan, who I guaranteed (Pronounced: Gar-on-Teed) that the South Carolina Gamecocks would beat the Vanderbilt Commodores….I am truly sorry.

Also I learned this weekend that the old Television Program “T.J. Hooker” is a police drama; not a story about prostitution.
Who Knew?

Well now that I have finished my evening meal of Crow….

Let’s take a look at this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback…

SATURDAY QUOTES

” I will say it now: The Georgia Bulldogs WILL be upset by Central Michigan today!”

- ABC College Football Studio “Host” John Saunders picking Central Michigan over Georgia before the Bulldogs defeated the Eagles 56 to 17.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s nice to know John is as good at picking games as he is at being “unbiased” towards the South….I almost forgot!
Hey John! HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

“Let’s face it, were playing a football team..But we’ve still got to feed them baby food. They’re not ready for steak yet.”

-Coach Bobby Bowden of Florida State describing how the Seminoles “need” to play one or two more “tune-ups” before they get into the “regular” season.

EDITORS NOTE: A MAJOR Division I Football Coach that gets paid MILLIONS of DOLLARS to COACH in the Atlantic Coast Conference and he wants MORE CUPCAKES on the schedule?
Now I see how he got “all” those wins….
Hey Coach Maybe Ole Gordon Junior College is still available!

WEEKLY FOOTBALL FACT

Did you know that the Vanderbilt Commodores have a better record than the following teams?

Michigan
Miami (Both Ohio and Florida)
Washington
Washington State
Mississippi
Texas A&M
Southern California
Notre Dame
Southern Miss
Michigan State
South Carolina
Mississippi State
Florida State
Tennessee
Louisville
Oregon State
Clemson
Virginia Tech
Virginia
West Virginia

Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

TEAM NEWS

NCAA: Yeah, “GREAT” move on the celebration penalties!
If you are SO Concerned about “Bad Sportsmanship” and Celebrations, then why don’t you have the SAME rules for College Basketball?

EDITORS NOTE: Why don’t you damn people look at something IMPORTANT?
Like the Reggie Bush, Southern California Trojan Investigation!
Shouldn’t SOMEBODY be on PROBATION by NOW?

WASHINGTON: I bet you all feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”.

FLORIDA: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

OHIO STATE: No need for panic…
The Mighty Buckeyes WILL be ready this week.

WEST POINT: Do you know why terrorist think they can kick our ass?
Because they watch you knuckleheads play football!

WEST VIRGINIA: There is some good news here…
There wasn’t a single fire reported in Morgantown on Saturday night…

EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on when Moutaineer Quarterback Pat White will question the East Carolina Pirates football program for the lack of participation by Pacific-Islanders, Scots-Irish, or Italian Americans.
Keep Hope Alive Pat…

EAST CAROLINA: The Pirates are either Giant Killers or Devil Worshipers…
You all don’t own any Old KISS Albums, do you?
Just wondering….

NAVY: Bad enough you have a Goat for a mascot, but can’t you find a quarterback with a last name that will fit on the back of a football jersey?
Have you all seen the current Navy Quarterback’s Name?
Q’UALLITERRIN-IMATINAREG-TTIMAOOPER-YEPPYZITTER-IEACCNOTTERRT

EDITORS NOTE: I think he is either Hawaiian or Polish…..

TEMPLE: The Owls were a field goal away from TWO wins in a row!
And you know what that means?
I am moving into that abandoned Missile Silo and wait out Armageddon..

ESPN: Is it too much to ask to see the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
Another halftime with Mark “Milk Dud Head” May and Coach Lou and my head will explode..

ESPN II: I would rather listen to Sea Lions breaking wind underwater for three hours than listen to Pam Ward “announce” another football game…ever.

HURRICANE IKE: I don’t know which “Tina” out there is making IKE mad, but you need to stop it!

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, what is with naming the Iowa football team the “Hawkeyes”?
Is naming a football team after an animal body part something new?
Jerry – Jefferson City, Missouri
A: This is nothing new Jerry.
For example, Tennessee decided to go with “Volunteers” because they felt “Possum Rectums” was to hard for the fans to spell…….
Also, the University didn’t want the fans producing “Cook Books” on how to prepare their mascot….
Which would be in bad taste…
No Pun Intended.

Q: I am really worried about the Buckeyes Offensive Line, do you have any ideas on how to shore up the line before this weeks game with the Trojans?
Thanks!
Tommy – Columbus, Ohio
A: I would suggest recruiting Wynonna Judd; she still has a couple of years of eligibility and she is bigger than a damn Oldsmobile…

Q: You are always talking about how great everything is in the South!!!!
Have you ever seen the Southern California Trojan Cheerleaders?
There isn’t anything to compare to them!
J.J. – Culver City, California
A: Yeah J.J….I remember when I hit puberty….
However….I KNOW for a FACT that the Goilden Girls from LSU and the Alabama Crimson Tide Cheerleaders have always had the power to cure the sick and raise the dead….
Enough said….

Q: Mike, as a High School Teacher in Southern California, I can tell you that your characterization of the Aztec’s last weekend was inaccurate and insulting.
The Aztec’s “may” have resorted to human sacrifice, but only after being driven to that despicable act by American Males who killed their Penguins, started the Vietnam War and began the terrible tradition of leaving toilet seats up all around the world.
Ms Davis – Marshall – Johnson – Diaz – Los Angeles, California
A: I think you forgot to mention how we enslaved the Panda’s, melted the Polar Ice caps and killed all the unicorns….

I understand Hootie Snitch, the Self Proclaimed “Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!” will have an update for you this week to address the recent Tennessee Loss and other news…

Your Week 3 College Football Picks will be out later in the week….

RTR
MEB

Now that you have your College Football Picks for Week 1 and a little Sunday Morning Motivation, let’s take a look at some news from around the college football landscape before we kickoff this week.

More Updates to follow as we get closer to kickoff.

Enjoy your week!

TEAM NEWS & NOTES

NCAA: So, are we suppose to believe that your investigators still can’t find the house where Reggie Bush’s momma and step-daddy lived? How long has it taken them? Four years?

Let’s be honest, if U$C was in the SEC they would have already gotten the Death Penalty.

EDITORS NOTE: That kind of rhymed, didn’t it?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on some kind of probation by now?
Just wondering….

Oh yeah, How’s that whole pink thong, jock itch thing working out for you?

ATLANTA JOURNAL (AJC): This past week in the Atlanta Constitution Journal (AJC) a gibbering idiot posing as a “sportswriter” ranked the “Most Obnoxious Fans in the Southeastern Conference”.

He ranked Tennessee fans, at the bottom of the list, because as he stated; “I went to school there and I think they are awesome.”

Where do you think the term “OBKnoxville came from jackass?”

In the Holy Name of Lewis Grizzard what has happened to that once fine paper?

LOU HOLTZ: Since I last broke the news that Lou Holtz would be playing the role of “Granny Clampett” in the upcoming Beverly Hillbillies movie; I want to assure you all that there is no truth to the rumor that the theme or portions of the classic theme from the Beverly Hillbillies will be changed to, “up from the ground came a gobbling Lou…”

NEW MEXICO: This past week the NCAA placed the Lobo football program on three years probation and cut five scholarships for academic violations involving two former assistant coaches.

EDITORS NOTE: SOoooo if the NCAA can police little ole New Mexico, where is the BIG Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California?
Just in case any of you were wondering: No, I will not let this go.

AUBURN: (AP News) The Auburn University campus was evacuated just before noon last Friday, when the university president learned that Russia had invaded Georgia.
According to a university spokesperson, the president ordered the evacuation because he was concerned “that Auburn could be next.”
Updates to Follow….

GEORGIA TECH: On a Postive Note, the Russian invasion into Georgia has had a postive impact in the quality of cheerleaders at Georgia Tech.
They no longer look like a breed of genetically enhanced swine.
The Cheerleaders are now more Yak-like in appearance.

EMAIL QUESTONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, I have a question for you. Why isn’t Florida State playing this weekend? I have asked several of my fellow Seminole Fans and they don’t have an answer either, do you know?
Thanks!
Ken – Destin, Florida
A: The Seminoles were forced to “re-arrange” their schedule a month ago when Coach Bobby hid under his bed and said he wouldn’t come out until the “Cuban Missile Crisis” was over…

Q: Mike, I gather from the fact you are still able to write your column that you haven’t left on your “Big Trip” yet. So, where are you now?
Dave – Little Rock, Arkansas
A: I am sorry to say my High School Annual was right; When I was voted….
“Most Likely to end up at Leavenworth”…

Q: My question doesn’t involve football but I need some help.
My husband and I just moved to the Florida Gulf Coast from New Jersey (He loves your column by the way) and I would like to know in the event of a tropical storm or hurricane, when should we evacuate?
Marsha – Tampa, Florida
A: There is one thing to remember Marsha: If you see Jim Cantore it’s TOO Late.
Because as we all know, he is the Angel of Death.

Q: Help! My son is showing signs of anti-social behavior and is beginning to exhibit signs that he is becoming a Tennessee Fan! I don’t know what to do! Can you please help?
Steve – Baton Rouge, Louisiana
A: I have compiled a list of a few books that I hope will help with your situation.
“Understanding Mental Retardation” by Patricia Ainsworth
“Primer for Parents of Slow Children” by Jackie Wright
“Forced Exit: The Slippery Slope from Assisted Suicide to Legalized Murder” by Wesley J. Smith

Q: YOU are always bashing the Trojans of Southern Cal and frankly I am sick of it!
Who do you think you are? Really? Just WHO do you think you ARE?
Chad- Costa Mesa, California
A: Some people call me the Space Cowboy
Some call me the gangster of love…
Some people call me Maurice….
Cause I speak of the pompitious of love..

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank Steve Miller for the above answer.

RTR
MEB

With little more than a week away from the opening kickoff of our 2008 College Football Season, it got me thinking about our passion for our teams, our colors, our players and our legends of the Fall.

The passion we share for this sport often transcends other thoughts and emotions.

The Love for our school and team runs deep and so does our hatred for our rivals.

I know graduates of the University of Montana that will not stop for gas (or anything else for that matter) in Bozeman because it is the home of the Montana State Bobcats. Which I was told sucks.

I have met Missouri Tiger Fans that will drive an extra 100 miles, just so they don’t have to go through Kansas on the way to Nebraska.

According to the Missouri Tiger Fan: “Kansas is known as the Sunflower State.
There are three kinds of Sun in Kansas. Sunflowers…Sunshine…and Sons of Bi#@&*!

Our passion begins at birth and does not end with death.

This past year Lady Bird Johnson passed away near Austin Texas.

Please notice the Priests giving the “sign” in the below video……..

WARNING: If you are a Texas A&M Aggie or an Oklahoma Sooner; please skip the video and continue reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

 That my friends….is Passion.

Enjoy Your Update!

TEAM NEWS

CINCINNATI: This past week BearKat quarterback Ben Mauk filed a lawsuit against the NCAA after the “organization” rejected the young mans final appeal for another year of eligibility.

The same day the lawsuit was filed, Hardin County Judge William Hart, in Mauk’s home area of Kenton, Ohio, granted a temporary restraining order that says the NCAA cannot prevent him from practicing with the BearKats.

The judge set an Aug. 22 hearing on Mauk’s request for a permanent injunction against the NCAA.

Mauk came back from career-threatening injuries to lead Cincinnati last year to a No. 17 ranking in the final poll. He passed for 31 touchdowns and 3,121 yards even though his right arm and shoulder were still in pain.

Mauk broke the arm and separated the shoulder in Wake Forest’s season opener in 2006, then transferred to Cincinnati.

He appealed to the NCAA for an extra year of eligibility because of the injuries, but was turned down.
A second appeal claiming he redshirted his freshman year at Wake Forest in part because of different injuries also was rejected.

Mauk then went to the NCAA’s reinstatement committee, which ruled last week there wasn’t enough medical documentation to support his claim that he missed his freshman year because of injury.
His lawsuit says it’s not his fault that files weren’t maintained.

The NCAA was disappointed by the ruling, a spokesman said:

“We look forward to explaining more fully our reasons for the decision and the careful review given not only by our staff but also by representatives from our member schools” spokesman Erik Christianson said in a statement.

Additionally the NCAA is threatening the University of Cincinnati with forfeiting their season if Ben Mauk even takes to the practice field.

EDITORS NOTE: Soooooo “other” member schools have a say-so in the rules and who is eligibile and who isn’t? Really? That is what I like to refer to as “A Damn Lie.”

NCAA: Don’t you all have something more important to do than screw with a quarterback in Cincinnati, like say for example….FINISH the INVESTIGATION into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Florida State defensive end Markus White returned to practice Friday, a day after suffering a seizure. FSU officals said that White takes medication to control an undisclosed medical condition and that Thursday was not the first time he had a seizure.

When Coach Bobby was asked if White should be playing under the circumstances, he replied; “Now listen, I have discussed this before and I still believe that you shouldn’t discriminate against anyone because of their skin color. I think there is a place on this team for Whites, Blacks, Hispanics and Lord what I would give to have an Asian Kicker, like that Polish kid we had a few years ago.”

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Dementia” in the 2008 Websters Dictionary, it says “See Bobby Bowden.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: It seems the Trojans have suffered a “rash” of injuries lately.
According to the Los Angeles Times over 25% of the Trojan team has been affected by Jock Itch.

Coach Pete Carroll told the Times that “he has never seen anything like the current outbreak” and is pointing the finger at the new compression shorts the team is wearing underneath their football pants.

EDITORS NOTE: Every other football team in America is wearing the new shorts and nobody has the same problem as the Trojans. Couldn’t be the Pink Thongs your team is wearing at practice? Right Coach?
(Please see the August 6th Update on your College Football Wizard)
No word yet on the status of the players affected or Coach Carroll’s yeast infection.

NOTRE DAME: Early last week Notre Dame Officals reported that Head Coach Charlie Weis had lost over 100 pounds during the off-season. Unfortunately Coach Charlie “turned around” and found it on Friday.

OLYMPICS: The Folks at NBC want you to believe that “The World is Coming to China” for the Olympic games. Really? So where is the Antarctica Beach Volleyball Team? My Point exactly….

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: STOP saying that Coach Rod’s wife is a ten dollar Hooker! She IS NOT a TEN DOLLAR Hooker! Got it!
Anonymous – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Coach, I mean “anonymous”… I never said your wife was a ten dollar hooker.
I said your wife “looks” like a ten dollar hooker, acts like a ten dollar hooker and talks like a ten dollar hooker. Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.

Q: Mike, it’s that time of year again, so I have to ask…What’s the difference between a Georgia Tech Cheerleader and a Pig?
P.S. How Bout them Dawgs!
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Stan, I would have to say about 25 pounds, a bad case of acne and Black and Gold painted toenails.

Q: Dear Sir: I am one of the Metaphysical Psychics hired by the University of Southern California Trojan football team to assist with the players delicate psychological balance.
Please desist with your negative comments concerning the Trojans, it is hurtful to the players.
Thank you.
Dr. Quan – Los Angeles, California

A: Wow, so you are a “mind reader”? Do you know what I am thinking right now?
If you guessed “The Trojans Suck”, you are right!

Q: Hey Mike! Could you tell me where I can find lingerie for a pig?
It’s not for me, honest! It’s for a friend.
Scooter – Lenoir City, Tennessee

A: I would suggest checking at Fredericks of Obknoxville.  

Only 12 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted next weekend.

RTR
MEB

Welcome Back to Part II of Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza!

We have a lot to discuss with this week’s Email Questions and Answers and the all important Pronostications of the Conference Championships.

So let’s get to it.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hey There! I like to read your column and me and my wife was wondering with all your popularity if you was looking for anybody to advertise on your site?
The reason I ask, is because my wife (Blossem) and I have come up with a dandy idea!
Everybody is trying to eat healthy now a days, am I right?
People want to eat stuff that is “all natural”.

So what could be more natural and healthy than Possum Milk and Possum Cheese?

If you is interested in having Blossem’s Possum Milk or Blossem’s Possum Cheese as a sponsor, just let us know.

It’s good and good for you (That’s what we a going to put on the package)

Bobcat and Blossem – Winchester, Tennessee

A: You two are Tennessee Volunteer Fans, right?
Now, it all makes sense….

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can help me with. I am a Kansas Jayhawk Fan (Go Jayhawks!) and we had several players leave the football team last year, but yet never heard if they graduated or were drafted by the NFL. Do you know what happened to the players that left the Jayhawks last year?
Thanks!
Chuck – Lawrence, Kansas

A: I know exactly what happened to the players from last years Jayhawks Team.
Coach Mangino ate them….sorry.

Q: Hello! I am 98 years young and I have been raising parrots for the past 14 years and breed them, nurture them and feed them worms. They keep me company and perform fancy tricks on tiny trampolines and chirp catchy, feel-good tunes all the day long. For Halloween last year I dressed them up as the characters of the TV show “the A-Team”. Tooty got to be Mr. T, he looked just like him. I just wish I could have gotten him to say, “I pity the Fool!”
I almost forgot what I was going to ask you!
How do you think the Seminoles are going to do this year? I wonder if Tooty could play Quarterback?

Bobby B. – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Coach, I think it’s about time for your nap.

Q: Listen Dung Breath, NO jokes this year about your sister-in-law! She does not have Horns! Those are calcium deposits! Also NOBODY wants to hear or read about her excessive body hair, the hump on her back or that one foot that looks like a hoof! I am sure that she has a wonderful personality and is very popular!
Anonymous – Pikeville, Kentucky

A: Did you like the Dehorning Paste I sent you for your Birthday?
No need to Thank me…

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS PART II

Due to time constraints I was unable to finish the “Pretenders” and “Contenders” section of the 2008 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza yesterday.

Enjoy….

PRETENDERS PART II

DUKE: The Blue Devils are to football what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

TEMPLE: See above and substitute “Owls” for Blue Devils.

KANSAS: I have good news and some bad news.
The Good News is that Coach Mark Mangino has beaten anorexia! Yes!
The bad news is that by the end of the year the Jayhawks will only be in contention for a bid to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Conway Arkansas. I would look at this as a “win”-”win”.

UTAH: I cannot in good conscience pull for any team that considers “Milk” an acceptable Tailgate Beverage.

OREGON: You have the most butt ugly uniforms of any sport at anytime in any country.
Your mascot looks like a gay Mr. Peanut…..
Your marching band uniforms looked like they were designed by a colored blind cyclops…
You refer to your offense as the “Quack Attack”….
And you wonder why I make fun of you?

WASHINGTON: I really wish the Mighty Huskies would return to Championship form…
Because I still miss Coach James.

CALIFORNIA (anything): How can I put this gently?
You suck. How’s that?

CONTENDERS PART II

ARIZONA STATE: The Sun Devils WILL compete for the PAC 10 title…Believe it.

WISCONSIN: Never underestimate the power of Cheese.
The game with the Mighty Buckeyes in Madison on October 4th will decide the conference title.

MIAMI: The Hurricanes will not contend for the Conference Championship this year, but they might ruin the Hokies chances when they meet on November 13th.

PENN STATE: Jo Pa will not win the Big Eleven…I mean “Ten” Title this year, but he will most certainly be a contender.

OREGON STATE: Coach Riley is a Bama Boy and that’s good enough for me.

ALABAMA: Because I said so….

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

THE BIG TEN…I mean ELEVEN

Despite the fact The Ohio State Buckeyes have Southern California, Wisconsin and Michigan State on the road this season, I believe this is a team on a mission.

The Ohio State Buckeyes WILL be Conference Champions this year.

THE BIG 12

The Missouri Tigers lead by Chase Daniels will most certainly win the Big 12 North, but don’t count out the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Coach Bo will have the Black Shirts ready to play. Believe it.

The Oklahoma Sooners “should” win the Big 12 South….
But Do Not underestimate the Red Raiders of Texas Tech.
They have one of the best quarterbacks in the nation that you never heard of in Graham Harrell.
Fortunately the Sooners have the Red Raiders in Norman this year on November 22nd.

But one slip by the Mighty Sooners…..

My Pick?

The Big 12 Champion will be the Oklahoma Sooners…

THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

The Clemson Tigers have some of the very best fans in the country that wrote the book on tailgating (Trust me on this one) and a favorable schedule to make a run for the title.

But they will have to play back to back road games at Boston College (November 1st) and at Florida State (November 8th). One late season banana peel and they will find themselves trailing the pack.

My Pick?

The Tigers WILL win the Atlantic Division…..

The Virginia Tech Hokies “should” win the Coastal Division of the Conference, but will not have enough horsepower to overcome the Mighty Tigers of Clemson.

Clemson Tigers 2008 ACC Conference Champions. Believe it.

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

WARNING: If you are prone to fits of anger or have a weak heart do not read any further.

The Georgia Bulldogs will NOT win the Southeastern Conference title or the Eastern Division.

As much as it pains me to say this. The Dawgs are undisciplined.

And to make matters worse….

The Dawgs have THE toughest schedule in the nation.
AT South Carolina
AT Arizona State
Alabama
Tennessee
AT LSU
Florida at Jacksonville
AT Auburn

The Mighty Florida Gators WILL win the Eastern Division of the Conference.
Why?
Two words for you…Tim Tebow.
Enough said.

The Team that will represent the Western Division of the Conference in Atlanta will be decided when LSU travels to Auburn on September 20th.

My Pick?
The Auburn Tigers

Florida Gators and Auburn Tigers in Atlanta for the Conference Championship.

The 2008 Southeastern Conference Champions will be the Florida Gators

CONFERENCE USA

Look for the Golden Eagles of Southern Miss to win the Eastern Division of the Conference with the Thundering Herd of Marshall hot on their heels.

The Western Division will be decided when the Houston Cougars and the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes meet in Texas on November 15th.

My Pick?
The Houston Cougars will win the Division and the Conference Title.

EDITORS NOTE: I still think the name “Golden Hurricanes” sounds dirty.

THE BIG EAST

This one will be easy….

Light those Couches!

The West Virginia Mountaineers will win it all in the Big East.

PAC 10

I really don’t care and neither should you, but if I have to pick a team….

The Arizona State Sun Devils will win the PAC 10 Conference Tilte this year.

EDITORS NOTE: You can’t stop a man from dreaming…..

The MAC, YAC, Paddy WAC Give my dog a bone Conferences…..to include “Independents”.

Does it really matter?

No it doesn’t.

Only 18 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted….soon.

RTR
MEB

I have good news to report. 
Not only is “Dog The Bounty Hunter” back on the air, but we are only 19 days away from the opening kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season.
And you all know what that means…..it is time for your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

I know that it may be difficult for many of you to concentrate on the upcoming College Football Season with the latest news of the week.
Much like you I was shocked by what I heard.
Please, do not worry.
Even though Russia was reported to have invaded Georgia, I can assure you all they will never make it past Valdosta.
Those Georgia Boys will whip their ass.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Pre-Season Observations and Pronostications

ESPN: The College Football Crew of ESPN College Gameday will continue to ignore the Reggie Bush- Southern California Trojan scandal because the network has too much money invested in showing PAC-10 Football games.

ESPN Part II: As a side note, how about showing the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
You can run the scores at the bottom of the screen because most of us can READ.
We (The College Football Fans) do not need three or four talking heads in the “studio” to tell us what we already know.

College Football Announcers and Commentators

Sometime during the 2008 College Football Season we will tune into “our” game and find one of the below individuals that suffers from chronic diarrea of the mouth “announcing” the game.
My suggestion?
Hit the mute button.

Lou Holtz: As I reported last year; The “One Time” Coach that has left every single university team in his career under NCAA Investigation is not a human being at all, but a 145 pound Tom Turkey.
Why do we need to hear him gobble and spit for an hour in the studio before kickoff? 
My point exactly.

Mark “Milk Dud Head” May: I am guessing his Resume says he is a “Master of the Obvious”. 
If my team is down by two touchdowns at half time, I REALLY don’t need to hear Milk Dud Head say, “They need to score more points if they expect to win this game.” 
Really? You figured that out all by yourself? Thanks Rain Man.

Bret Musburger: If you look up “Gibbering Jackass” in Websters Dictionary, it says; “See Bret Musburger.”

Vern Lundquist: Most of the time this syphilitic old Troll doesn’t even know which sport he is announcing. Here is a hint: Golf and Basketball metaphors don’t have ANY place in College Football.
Dumbass.

Dan Foust: You put the “Dumb” in “Ass”. Congratulations.

Bob Griese: See Above

Pam Ward: See “Dan Foust” Above

Archie Manning: Do you know how to tell when Archie is saying something stupid?
His lips are moving.

Whoa Nelly! Where is the Great Keith Jackson when you really need him?

SOUTHERN CAL: The Trojans will continue to be the Darlings of media, that is until they line up against the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State on 13 September. Then the excuses will begin….

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines will start out the year 1and 4 this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Wolverine Fans, look at the bright side:
You have the only college football coach in the nation who’s wife dresses like a ten dollar hooker.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Coach Croom proved he can Coach and Motivate; expect more of the same this year. To include another Bowl game.

I still think Auburn’s mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

IOWA: Unfortunately the “Hawkeyes” passed on the sponsorship of a major fried chicken franchise and a mascot name change to “Popeyes” due to ongoing litigation by Olive Oil and Brutus.

INDIANA: Also in mascot news; the “Hoosiers” have passed on a wonderful sponsorship opportunity by a Nationally known “Wing” Restaurant and will not rename their team the “Hooters”.

EDITORS NOTE: The Hoosiers are however still negotiating with the FOX Network on a limited sponsorship with a popular television program and renaming their them the “Homers”.

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved Groundhog.

NEBRASKA: Big Red isn’t all the way back, but Coach Bo will get them there sooner than you think.

TENNESSEE: It was reported last week in the Nashville Tennessean that the University of Tennessee leads the nation with the largest athletic recruiting budget spending more than 2 Million dollars a year in private and public air transportation, rental cars and lodging.

Two Million Dollars A Year? Really?

Over a Million More than Notre Dame, Texas and Ohio State? Wow…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just because the University of Tennessee is the ONLY College or University in the country with a convicted felon on their board of directors is no reason to think anything is wrong.
I mean, just because he was convicted in Federal Court for embezzlement is no reason to worry.
After all, he isn’t like the last university President that charged the university over $180, 000 dollars per home game for “entertainment”, right? How much money did he “misappropriate”? Ten Million Dollars?

You Volunteer fans enjoy that 26% tution hike this year. I am sure your money is being well spent.

COLLEGE REFEREES
Despite a valiant effort by the PAC 10 Officials last year in screwing a number of teams out of wins, they will have to bring their Coke Bottle Glasses and Seeing Eyed Dogs to beat the Master of Disaster when it comes missed calls and determining the outcome of games.
I am talking of course, of the Southeastern Conferences own Penn Wagers.
That guy could screw up a two car parade.

This year a team from the Eastern Middle Western Northern Southern Conference will claim they should get a shot at the Championship because they beat a Taxidermy School from North Carolina.

This year I will still wonder who is actually on the BCS Committee.
Currently, I believe the committee is comprized of a group of chimpanzees on crack that make their respective decisions with the use of a dart board.

This year the Ivy League will still suck.

West Point: See above

OLYMPICS: If I hear one more time that Wong Chang Woo enjoys watching reruns of “Friends” and playing “Clue” my head is going to explode.

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

PRETENDERS

IOWA: The Hawkeyes must have worked really hard to arrange a schedule were they didn’t have to play ANYBODY of note in their Conference this year. No Michigan or Ohio State, just dates with Wisconsin and Penn State to round out a schedule dominated by cream puffs.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Sherman doesn’t even know the names of his players, do you think he is ready for the Big 12? The answer my friends is, no he isn’t.

EDITORS NOTE: For reasons that I don’t need to go into here, I can’t in good conscience pull for any Coach Named “Sherman.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on NCAA Probation by now? Just wondering….

ARKANSAS: The Mighty Razorbacks are a young team with a new coach.
They are two or three years away from the Southeastern Conference Championship game.

FLORIDA STATE: Due to recent restrictions in the Florida Parole system, the Seminoles will be unable to field a championship caliber team. There, I said it.

EDITORS NOTE: The fact that Coach Bobby can’t dress himself or remember what year it is should have no impact on his play calling. Which is nice…

LOUISVILLE: No Defense, means No Conference Championship. Period.

NOTRE DAME: You might beat Navy this year, but you all are a long way away from winning anything that really matters. Might I suggest scheduling the School that Re-Treads Tires and the Vietnamese Nail Salon in Lake Charles. Wait, Florida State has already scheduled those schools, sorry.

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines are in for a long season….a really long season.

COLORADO: Despite the fact my sister-in-law doubles as “Ralphie” the Buffalo Mascot at most home games, the Mile High team will fall flat early this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Please, no emails about “How mean I am to my sister-in-law” about her being the Colorado mascot. We are just thankful she is working….

CONTENDERS

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will be the Team to beat in the Big 12.
Remember you heard it here first. Get Those Guns Up Red Raiders!

TEXAS: Never Count out the Longhorns and Colt McCoy.
If they get by the Red Raiders and survive the Red River Shoot out, they will have a shot at the Big Time.

OKLAHOMA: This year the Mighty Sooners WILL be in the Big 12 Championship game….Believe it.

MISSOURI: The Tigers have Chase Daniel and the right surrounding cast to win the Big 12, but will they make it to the “Big” Championship Game?

CLEMSON: Tommy’s Tigers are Loaded and have a favorable schedule to win the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship, but can they overcome a history of late season stumbles?

VIRGINIA TECH: NEVER count out Coach Beamer and the Mighty Hokies.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes should win the Big Eleven..I mean Ten Championship. But they have to get by the Badgers on October 4th to earn it.

WEST VIRGINIA: Will the couches light the Morgantown sky this year?
Talk to me after Auburn comes to town on October 23rd.

LSU: The Bayou Bengals are a legitimate contender for the Southeastern Conference Championship if and thats a BIG if, they get through the brutal Conference schedule.

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs get through their schedule without getting bruised up they should and will be Number One. Period.

AUBURN: These Tigers are poised to ruin everybodies parade in the Southeastern Conference.
They ARE Contenders. Believe it.

FLORIDA: The Mighty Gators are my pick to win the BCS Championship.
Why? You will have to read Part II Tomorrow of the Pre-Season Extravaganza to find out.
Your Favorite College Football Pronosticators Conference Championships and Email Questions and Answers will be included too. So look for Part II Sunday Afternoon.

RTR
MEB

Until I leave in another couple of months I will be providing your picks and pronostications on the weekend.

Next weekend, in preparation for the opening kickoff to our beloved College Football 2008 Season, I will provide you the “College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza” with Conference and Championship Picks and pronostications. No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me.

This weekend we have reports from a variety of teams and conferences and a sample of the oddest collection of emails I have ever received. So let’s get to it.

FLORIDA STATE: As reported early in the week, Coach Bobby Bowden was said to have found the restroom “All By Himself”. Unfortunately Coach Bobby relieved himself in the sink and was reported to have been screaming at the hand drier “Hey Everybody! It’s a Jet Engine!” It’s sad really.

OKLAHOMA: This week Coach Bob Stoops dismissed one of the most highly touted freshman wide receivers in the country before he ever arrived in Norman.

Josh Jarboe of Decatur Georgia was sent “packing” after he posted an obscenity laced rap video on YouTube that referenced shooting people and then proceeded to follow up that stroke of genius by being arrested on the Campus of his High School for carrying a gun.

No word yet on when Bobby Bowden or Phil Fulmer will offer him a scholarship.

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it. That kid is a dumbass.

MICHIGAN: Last week Coach Rod’s wife shows up at a Wolverine Alumni gathering dressed like a ten dollar hooker and Vh1 announced that “Rock of Love III with Bret Michaels is currently being cast.”

Coincidence? I think not.

TENNESSEE: During the Southeastern Conference media days Coach Phil Fulmer was served with a subpoena to give a deposition in the case against disassociated boosters relating to the NCAA investigation of the University of Alabama.

Why is this important? For starters; Fat Phil and his “personal” attorney Jeff Hagood stated in 2003 that Phil Fumer would give a deposition in the case “as soon as the Coach’s schedule allowed.” Coach Phil then proceded to skip the 2004 Southeastern Conference Media days to avoid being served in the case and attempted to pass the $10,000 dollar fine for skipping the conference off to the University.

To make matters even more comical, if that’s possible, Coach Phil tried to claim that he wasn’t “served” at the recent conference media days, that he was “only signing an autograph.”

What are you? Stupid or just illiterate?

EDITORS NOTE: Much like you, I would believe that Coach Phil was “really” that busy for the last five years if Knoxville had a 24 hour Krispy Kreme, but they don’t.

WEST VIRGINIA: At the recent Big East Conference Media days Mountaineer Quarterback Pat White decided that he didn’t want to talk about West Virginia’s chances to win the Conference Championship or discuss the latest Bowl win in 2007. Instead, Pat White thought this would be a good time to claim the West Virginia Mountaineer BASEBALL team was racist because (In his opinion) they didn’t have enough black baseball players on the team.

Wait, aren’t you the quarterback of the Football team?
I have a novel idea; at the Big East Football Media Days why don’t you talk about FOOTBALL?

EDITORS NOTE: If anyone out there REALLY believes that a coach of a Major University Sports program wouldn’t want the best athletes on the field to win regardless of their color, religion or shoe size, then let me be the first to tell you. Congratulations; You are a dumbass.

LSU: Recently at a Fightn’ Tiger Alumni function Coach Miles made some unflattering remarks and jokes about the University of Alabama. Why Coach? Is the National Championship not enough for you?

Let me be the first to remind you Coach that you WON with Coach Sabans recruits, not yours.

You will not remain at the top of the ladder forever, after all this is the Southeastern Conference.

And lastly as Coach Bryant used to say; “Win without bragging and lose without excuse.”

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs have anymore arrests they won’t be able to field a two man row boat team.
Stop acting like Florida State and Tennessee, you all are Georgia for God’s Sake.

PENN STATE: Some Idiot Alumni of Penn State is banging the drum that “Jo Pa has lost control of the Nittany Lion football team” and should be fired.

Are you serious? Compared to what team, Yale? They don’t even have a marching band.

Jo Pa is a GIANT of the Game. Period. He should be allowed to retire when he damn well wants too.

Enough said.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s comments like this that confirms my dislike for yankees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So whatever happened to the NCAA and PAC 10 Investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush?

Go ahead ESPN, ignore it if you want and talk about how the “Mexican-American community have embraced Mark Sanchez as a Hero” and any number of other stupid articles about U$C.

We are still waiting.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hello! Welcome to Candyland! (I sometimes like starting my emails out like that!)
I am new to your column and have a question for you that I hope you can help me with.
I have a pet chinchilla named Skippy that I LOVE! I want to dress him up for college football games, but can’t find any place that has uniforms or college game day clothes to fit him, can you help?
Thanks?
Stuart – Irvine, California
A: You are a Southern California Trojan fan, aren’t you Stu?

Q: Mike we are expecting a BIG year for the Florida State Seminoles!
I have a question that I am sure you can help me out with!
Does Coach Bobby wear anything “lucky” to give him that extra confidence during a game?
Chuck – Fort Meyers, Florida
A: Depends

Q: Mike, I come from a family of hardworking oil drillers. My grandfather, Dad and four brothers are all oil drillers. The decision to follow my dream of becoming a puppeteer and a background dancer for children’s shows has resulted in me being ostracized by 92% of my family.
Let’s just say that I hear such phrases as “Worked on any new Fairy Dances lately Tim?” and “Hey Tim, why don’t you give us a private show with your lamb puppet?”

If this weren’t bad enough, I have to decided to come “out of the closet” and tell my family the news.

I am a Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan.

Do you have any advice that could help me?
Tim – Lagrange, Georgia
A: You are on your own Tiny Dancer.

Q: Greetings! While watching a rerun of “Charles in Charge” starring Scott Baio an idea popped into my head! I don’t get out of the house much but love to experiment and mix chemicals in my basement. Using a combination on melted deodorant, cheap cologne and some old hair gel, I wish to create a new cologne for me entitled BAIO! I believe those elements would re-create the vibrant smell of the real life Chachi!

So my question is this, if I were to create a unique cologne for the Greatest Coach in Tennessee History what would I need? I am going to call it PHAT Phil (You know as in “Pretty Hot and Tempting”)
What do you think?
Dale – Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I would go with the above ingredients and add a Krispy Kreme Bear Claw and Jelly donut, a scoop or two of Lard and a cup of Bull Crap and consider re-naming the cologne BFL; you know, as in Big Fat Liar.

Lastly Dale, Just say “No to Drugs.”

Only 27 Days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

This weekend you will have a College Football Update!

We have alot to discuss with the close of SEC Media Days; Fat Phil “Getting Served” and news from Florida State that Coach Bobby found the restroom all by himself.
Hard to believe, but true.

Please stay tuned and thank you all for your patience.

Only 30 days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Just a quick update as I take off for my wife’s family reunion in the mountains of eastern Kentucky.
I hope to return with an accurate count of the mullets in attendance and a long awaited photo of my Sasquatch look-a-like sister-in-law. Ah Good times.

So without further ado let us get to this weeks news and reports from around the college football world.

FLORIDA STATE: Looks like it’s Deja vu all over again in Seminole Land.
Starting offensive tackle Daron Rose has been ruled ineligible for the 2008 football season due to academic reasons and will attend junior college in the fall.

Meanwhile, projected starting linebacker Marcus Ball was released from his scholarship as well for academic issues.

Coach Bobby will now start the season without Preston Parker (Who we discussed last week) Rose, Ball and another half dozen or so of his top players because of a classroom cheating scandal in a music history class.

EDITORS NOTE: Beyond anything else, let me state what you all are thinking.
What kind of dumbass has to cheat to pass a music history class?

OKLAHOMA: The Mighty Sooners and College Football lost one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time this past week when Jack Mildren passed away at age 58 after a long battle with cancer.

Mildren was the quarterback for the powerful Oklahoma wishbone offense in 1971 when the Sooners set an NCAA record that still stands today by averaging 472.4 rushing yards per game.

He will most certainly be missed.

TEXAS A&M: “Wanted: One Dog, MUST hate Orange.”
This classified add is straight from Aggie Land, as their beloved collie mascot Reveille VII is retiring and the Corps of Cadets are on the scent for a successor.

All candidates must be at least 18 months old. Puppies Need not apply.

EDITORS NOTE: You have GOT to love those Aggies.

FLORIDA: NEWS Flash from the University of Florida!
Tim Tebow is STILL the man; film at eleven.

EMAIL Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, my family and I just moved to central Florida from Pennsylvania. With all the different college football allegiances in the Sunshine state I have a question for you that I hope will keep me out of trouble with my new neighbors. What is the difference between a Florida State Seminole fan and a Miami Hurricane Fan?
Mark -Coco Beach, Florida
A: Mark I would say ten pounds of gold jewelry and a set of crunk teeth.

Q: Mike you were not joking! That Michigan Coach’s wife does look like a hooker! Do you think she will ever be shown on television?
Chuck – East Lansing, Michigan
A: I believe she will be on television. I am thinking “Rock of Love III”….

Q: Mike is there anyone out there in college football land that still believes that the University of Southern California “isn’t” getting perferential treatment by the NCAA?
Nick – Conway, South Carolina
A: Nick, I would say there is about as many people that believe that Reggie Bush and the Trojans are innocent as watch the “Best of Zamfir” Pan Flute CD infomercial at three o’clock in the morning.
In fact, I believe they are the same people.

Q: You’re the “Great College Football Prognosticator”, so what do you think about a Division I college football playoff? Inquiring minds want to know.
Stacy – Blackburg, Virginia
A: In the words of the immortal Coach Paul W. Bryant; “There is a playoff system in college football, it’s called the regular season.”

Whatever happened to Oklahoma playing Ohio State or Penn State and Alabama?

Instead we are forced to endure Florida State and Florida A&M or the “Mighty” Trojans of Southern California playing the Keebler Elves.

When real teams from real conferences will play a real schedule, then you won’t have a need for a playoff, the BCS, or Roy Kramer. Glad I could help.

Q: Mike you are obviously a Southeastern Conference guy. Tell me you will be pulling for Tennessee over UCLA in the first game of the season, right?
Todd – Tellico Plains, Tennessee
A: For me it’s like trying to decide who you want to win in a war between Iran and Syria.

Q: Mike does Duke University use some catchy phrase to promote their football program? Thanks!
Glen – Georgetown, Kentucky
A: They sure do Glen! It’s called “That thing that takes place between basketball seasons.”

Have a Great Week and remember only 92 days left until kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

It has been a hectic week in college football since the CFB Wizard experienced some technical difficulties.

So, let’s catch up on the latest college football news from around the country.

FLORIDA STATE: From the “Here We Go Again” Department, Florida State wide receiver Preston Parker will have to sit out the “first two games” of the 2008 season after pleading guilty Monday to two misdemeanor charges.

You may remember that the the 21 year old Parker, the Seminoles Most Valuable Player last season, was arrested in April on a FELONY charge of having a loaded .45 caliber pistol in the dashboard of his car. This charge was reduced to a misdemeanor charge of carrying a concealed weapon. At the time of his arresst, Parker was ALSO charged with misdemeanor marijuana possession, to which he also pleaded guilty in Palm Beach County.

Coach Bobby Bowden had this to say concerning Preston Parker. “Preston made a very serious mistake, and there are consequences when one of our boys gets in trouble.”

EDITORS NOTE: I guess that all depends on your definition of “consequences.”

No word yet on how the lack of Parker’s services will effect the Seminoles in the first two games of the season as they prepare to play the South Georgia Taxidermy Academy and the Breaux Bridge Vietnamese Nail and Beauty College.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Two “former” Bulldog players Michael Brown and Quinton Wesley were given suspended sentences for firing guns on campus in March of this year. Each will be on probation during the sentence and could serve jail time if they do meet all the requirements set forth by the court.

The reason I used the term “former” is because Coach Sylvestor Croom kicked them both off the team soon after the arrests; for good.

The Coach didn’t wait to talk with them, gather additional evidence or have his personal attorney meet with the witnesses. He never said “Boys will be Boys” or any number of other catchy phrases used from Tallahassee to Knoxville.

If you are thinking that “maybe” the players weren’t “that good” and that gave the Coach a good opportunity to “send a message” to the rest of the team; Think again.

Michael Brown was the Bulldogs best offensive lineman, a second team All-SEC selection and a likely early round pick in next years NFL Draft. He was even on the cover of the Mississippi State Spring Football Guide.

Quinton Wesley was projected starter on the defensive side of the ball and was last year’s defensive MVP Runner-up for the Bulldogs.

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering, that my friends IS “Old School” discipline.

PENN STATE: Good News from Happy Valley. Jo Pa is out of the hospital after being treated for dehydration and is back to his usual routine of recruiting and preparing the Nittany Lions for the upcoming season.

EDITORS NOTE: Welcome Back Joe, you gave us a scare.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Recent revelations concerning “another” Trojan athlete have surfaced over improper payments and monetary inducements, this time within the basketball program. The investigation has “already” been conducted by the university and the findings presented to the conference and the NCAA.

So, why hasn’t the University of Southern California presented their “findings” yet to the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA on the investigation into Reggie Bush and the Trojan Football program?

ESPN: Why are you all so quiet over the allegations involving Reggie Bush? Could it be the hefty football television contract with the PAC 10 Conference and the flagship football program of the conference?

The reason I ask is because any hint of alleged NCAA improprieties involving Southern universities and you all act like a bulldog with a new bone; you won’t leave it alone.

So, why are you all so quiet now?

NCAA: See Above

TENNESSEE: Many of you have written me concerning an entry into Wikipedia on Phil Fulmer. Specifically the section designated to his “Family.”

It states: “”Fulmer and his wife Vicky have three daughters Courtney, Brittany and Allison. Son Phillip Jr. is from a “previous relationship”.

I have received an untold number of requests recently for a picture of the illusive Phillip Junior since this startling revelation was uncovered and as you all know by now I never disappoint my fans.

Through an exhaustive clandestine investigation I present to you, the young Phil Fulmer Junior.

Enjoy your Memorial Weekend…..only 98 Days until Kick-Off.

RTR
MEB

We will break from the usual “Tuesday Email Q&A” with Hootie Snitch to update the Spring Football Games from around the Country.
For those of you that are interested….
Hootie and his cousin Ronnie have both been released from the hospital following Hootie’s failed attempt to perform laser eye surgery on his cousin.
I am sure he will have more to say about this incident later in the week.

We all know the Spring Football Games have become a showcase for the upcoming season, but they have also developed into a fans dream weekend with a number of events, concerts and programs to excite and motivate any college football fan.

The next two weeks I will highlight a number of College Football Spring games and the events surrounding them, including news from the practice fields to keep you all informed and motivated for the upcoming 2008 College Football Season.
Enjoy!

OLE MISS & DUKE: Excitement surrounds both football programs with new coaches on campus, with Houston “I’m a” Nutt at Ole Miss and David “I know the Manning’s” Cutcliffe with the Blue Devils.
The excitement transcended to the spring game as both teams doubled attendance from last years event. Duke had six people attend while Ole Miss had nearly a dozen in the stands.
Attempts to determine if some of the spectators had wandered into the stadiums by accident are as yet to be determined.

BEST QUOTE FROM A SPRING GAME: Cameron Newton, University of Florida.
“I am not competing to be the back-up quarterback. I am competing to be the starting quarterback.”
EDITORS NOTE: Two words for you son: Tim Tebow, Now go take a seat on the bench.

BEST COACH’S QUOTE: Coach Nick Saban, University of Alabama
“I don’t need any show dogs, I need hunting dogs out on the field.”
EDITORS NOTE: Enough said Coach.

TENNESSEE: The annual Orange and White game had a number of “interesting” events surrounding the game itself. My favorite would have to be the “Guess What Coach Fulmer Just Ate” Contest sponsored by Krispy Kreme and Big Orange Bail Bonds.

The winner was Hal “Scooter” Schofield from Winchester Tennessee with his winning guess of a 1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.
EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on the condition of the illegal aliens living inside the vehicle at the time of consumption.

MICHIGAN: Athough the annual “Maze and Blue” game sounds like a time when the Native Americans saved some frozen pilgrims; the arrival of a new coach to campus in Ann Arbor has brought an unusual carnival like atmosphere to the spring game.

Coach Rodriguez or “Coach Rod” as he prefers to be called has instituted a number of what he calls “fun family events” for the Wolverine fans at this years spring game.
In honor of his wife, Coach Rod has the “Pimp your Wife” booth, which will allow Mrs. Rodriguez to give hooker fashion tips to the female attendees.
Prehaps the most popular event will be the “So Sue Me” Q&A with fans when Coach Rod will claim amnesia and other excuses on why he can’t pay West Virginia the 10 Million Dollars he owes them, this event will be sponsored by the Trial Lawyers Association of America.

And on a football note: If you think the Wolverines were bad last year?
You ain’t seen nothing yet…..

EDITORS NOTE: Why would you want to be called “Coach Rod”?
Sounds like the name of a gay porn star.

SOUTHERN MISS: I am still mad as hell that the Southern Miss administration ran Coach Jeff Bowers out of town, so I have nothing to report.

ALABAMA: 78, 200 in attendance for the Spring Game. Enough Said…..

OKLAHOMA & OKLAHOMA STATE: Nothing new to report, OU is BIG, Strong and Fast and will be better than they were last year and Coach Gundy is still a man.

CLEMSON: The Tigers are loaded with a returning quarterback that could start for anybody in the country except Florida. The game with Alabama to start the season will be something to see.

FLORIDA STATE: Great News from Tallahassee!
Last week it was reported that Coach Bobby found the practice field “all by his self”!
Unfortunately Coach Bobby was wearing “Pink Panther” slippers and matching robe while holding a bag of oranges and shouting “Where is MY Monkey!”
Coach Fisher took over practice while Bobby was taken away to “rest”.

More Spring Games to report later in the week.

RTR
MEB