Ladies and Gentlemen -

If you are just joining us…..
This is the segment were we review the games from the past week and look at College Football team news and answer some of your Email Questions.

In other words, what did we learn from the games last weekend?

Let me tell you what I learned last week….
On a personal note: Since I am neither Joe Namath or Justin Wilson, I should have known better that to EVER guarantee ( Pronounced: Gar-on-Tee) anything, much less a Football Game.

So, for the Beautiful Miss Susan, who I guaranteed (Pronounced: Gar-on-Teed) that the South Carolina Gamecocks would beat the Vanderbilt Commodores….I am truly sorry.

Also I learned this weekend that the old Television Program “T.J. Hooker” is a police drama; not a story about prostitution.
Who Knew?

Well now that I have finished my evening meal of Crow….

Let’s take a look at this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback…

 

SATURDAY QUOTES

” I will say it now: The Georgia Bulldogs WILL be upset by Central Michigan today!”

- ABC College Football Studio “Host” John Saunders picking Central Michigan over Georgia before the Bulldogs defeated the Eagles 56 to 17.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s nice to know John is as good at picking games as he is at being “unbiased” towards the South….I almost forgot!
Hey John! HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

 

“Let’s face it, were playing a football team..But we’ve still got to feed them baby food. They’re not ready for steak yet.”

-Coach Bobby Bowden of Florida State describing how the Seminoles “need” to play one or two more “tune-ups” before they get into the “regular” season.

EDITORS NOTE: A MAJOR Division I Football Coach that gets paid MILLIONS of DOLLARS to COACH in the Atlantic Coast Conference and he wants MORE CUPCAKES on the schedule?
Now I see how he got “all” those wins….
Hey Coach Maybe Ole Gordon Junior College is still available!

WEEKLY FOOTBALL FACT

Did you know that the Vanderbilt Commodores have a better record than the following teams?

Michigan
Miami (Both Ohio and Florida)
Washington
Washington State
Mississippi
Texas A&M
Southern California
Notre Dame
Southern Miss
Michigan State
South Carolina
Mississippi State
Florida State
Tennessee
Louisville
Oregon State
Clemson
Virginia Tech
Virginia
West Virginia

Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

TEAM NEWS

NCAA: Yeah, “GREAT” move on the celebration penalties!
If you are SO Concerned about “Bad Sportsmanship” and Celebrations, then why don’t you have the SAME rules for College Basketball?

EDITORS NOTE: Why don’t you damn people look at something IMPORTANT?
Like the Reggie Bush, Southern California Trojan Investigation!
Shouldn’t SOMEBODY be on PROBATION by NOW?

WASHINGTON: I bet you all feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”.

FLORIDA: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

OHIO STATE: No need for panic…
The Mighty Buckeyes WILL be ready this week.

WEST POINT: Do you know why terrorist think they can kick our ass?
Because they watch you knuckleheads play football!

WEST VIRGINIA: There is some good news here…
There wasn’t a single fire reported in Morgantown on Saturday night…

EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on when Moutaineer Quarterback Pat White will question the East Carolina Pirates football program for the lack of participation by Pacific-Islanders, Scots-Irish, or Italian Americans.
Keep Hope Alive Pat…

EAST CAROLINA: The Pirates are either Giant Killers or Devil Worshipers…
You all don’t own any Old KISS Albums, do you?
Just wondering….

NAVY: Bad enough you have a Goat for a mascot, but can’t you find a quarterback with a last name that will fit on the back of a football jersey?
Have you all seen the current Navy Quarterback’s Name?
Q’UALLITERRIN-IMATINAREG-TTIMAOOPER-YEPPYZITTER-IEACCNOTTERRT

EDITORS NOTE: I think he is either Hawaiian or Polish…..

TEMPLE: The Owls were a field goal away from TWO wins in a row!
And you know what that means?
I am moving into that abandoned Missile Silo and wait out Armageddon..

ESPN: Is it too much to ask to see the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
Another halftime with Mark “Milk Dud Head” May and Coach Lou and my head will explode..

ESPN II: I would rather listen to Sea Lions breaking wind underwater for three hours than listen to Pam Ward “announce” another football game…ever.

HURRICANE IKE: I don’t know which “Tina” out there is making IKE mad, but you need to stop it!

 

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, what is with naming the Iowa football team the “Hawkeyes”?
Is naming a football team after an animal body part something new?
Jerry - Jefferson City, Missouri
A: This is nothing new Jerry.
For example, Tennessee decided to go with “Volunteers” because they felt “Possum Rectums” was to hard for the fans to spell…….
Also, the University didn’t want the fans producing “Cook Books” on how to prepare their mascot….
Which would be in bad taste…
No Pun Intended.

Q: I am really worried about the Buckeyes Offensive Line, do you have any ideas on how to shore up the line before this weeks game with the Trojans?
Thanks!
Tommy - Columbus, Ohio
A: I would suggest recruiting Wynonna Judd; she still has a couple of years of eligibility and she is bigger than a damn Oldsmobile…

Q: You are always talking about how great everything is in the South!!!!
Have you ever seen the Southern California Trojan Cheerleaders?
There isn’t anything to compare to them!
J.J. - Culver City, California
A: Yeah J.J….I remember when I hit puberty….
However….I KNOW for a FACT that the Goilden Girls from LSU and the Alabama Crimson Tide Cheerleaders have always had the power to cure the sick and raise the dead….
Enough said….

Q: Mike, as a High School Teacher in Southern California, I can tell you that your characterization of the Aztec’s last weekend was inaccurate and insulting.
The Aztec’s “may” have resorted to human sacrifice, but only after being driven to that despicable act by American Males who killed their Penguins, started the Vietnam War and began the terrible tradition of leaving toilet seats up all around the world.
Ms Davis - Marshall - Johnson - Diaz - Los Angeles, California
A: I think you forgot to mention how we enslaved the Panda’s, melted the Polar Ice caps and killed all the unicorns….

I understand Hootie Snitch, the Self Proclaimed “Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!” will have an update for you this week to address the recent Tennessee Loss and other news…

Your Week 3 College Football Picks will be out later in the week….

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Now that you have your College Football Picks for Week 1 and a little Sunday Morning Motivation, let’s take a look at some news from around the college football landscape before we kickoff this week.

More Updates to follow as we get closer to kickoff.

Enjoy your week!

TEAM NEWS & NOTES

NCAA: So, are we suppose to believe that your investigators still can’t find the house where Reggie Bush’s momma and step-daddy lived? How long has it taken them? Four years?

Let’s be honest, if U$C was in the SEC they would have already gotten the Death Penalty.

EDITORS NOTE: That kind of rhymed, didn’t it?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on some kind of probation by now?
Just wondering….

Oh yeah, How’s that whole pink thong, jock itch thing working out for you?

ATLANTA JOURNAL (AJC): This past week in the Atlanta Constitution Journal (AJC) a gibbering idiot posing as a “sportswriter” ranked the “Most Obnoxious Fans in the Southeastern Conference”.

He ranked Tennessee fans, at the bottom of the list, because as he stated; “I went to school there and I think they are awesome.”

Where do you think the term “OBKnoxville came from jackass?”

In the Holy Name of Lewis Grizzard what has happened to that once fine paper?

LOU HOLTZ: Since I last broke the news that Lou Holtz would be playing the role of “Granny Clampett” in the upcoming Beverly Hillbillies movie; I want to assure you all that there is no truth to the rumor that the theme or portions of the classic theme from the Beverly Hillbillies will be changed to, “up from the ground came a gobbling Lou…”

NEW MEXICO: This past week the NCAA placed the Lobo football program on three years probation and cut five scholarships for academic violations involving two former assistant coaches.

EDITORS NOTE: SOoooo if the NCAA can police little ole New Mexico, where is the BIG Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California?
Just in case any of you were wondering: No, I will not let this go.

AUBURN: (AP News) The Auburn University campus was evacuated just before noon last Friday, when the university president learned that Russia had invaded Georgia.
According to a university spokesperson, the president ordered the evacuation because he was concerned “that Auburn could be next.”
Updates to Follow….

GEORGIA TECH: On a Postive Note, the Russian invasion into Georgia has had a postive impact in the quality of cheerleaders at Georgia Tech.
They no longer look like a breed of genetically enhanced swine.
The Cheerleaders are now more Yak-like in appearance.

 

EMAIL QUESTONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, I have a question for you. Why isn’t Florida State playing this weekend? I have asked several of my fellow Seminole Fans and they don’t have an answer either, do you know?
Thanks!
Ken - Destin, Florida
A: The Seminoles were forced to “re-arrange” their schedule a month ago when Coach Bobby hid under his bed and said he wouldn’t come out until the “Cuban Missile Crisis” was over…

Q: Mike, I gather from the fact you are still able to write your column that you haven’t left on your “Big Trip” yet. So, where are you now?
Dave - Little Rock, Arkansas
A: I am sorry to say my High School Annual was right; When I was voted….
“Most Likely to end up at Leavenworth”…

Q: My question doesn’t involve football but I need some help.
My husband and I just moved to the Florida Gulf Coast from New Jersey (He loves your column by the way) and I would like to know in the event of a tropical storm or hurricane, when should we evacuate?
Marsha - Tampa, Florida
A: There is one thing to remember Marsha: If you see Jim Cantore it’s TOO Late.
Because as we all know, he is the Angel of Death.

Q: Help! My son is showing signs of anti-social behavior and is beginning to exhibit signs that he is becoming a Tennessee Fan! I don’t know what to do! Can you please help?
Steve - Baton Rouge, Louisiana
A: I have compiled a list of a few books that I hope will help with your situation.
“Understanding Mental Retardation” by Patricia Ainsworth
“Primer for Parents of Slow Children” by Jackie Wright
“Forced Exit: The Slippery Slope from Assisted Suicide to Legalized Murder” by Wesley J. Smith

Q: YOU are always bashing the Trojans of Southern Cal and frankly I am sick of it!
Who do you think you are? Really? Just WHO do you think you ARE?
Chad- Costa Mesa, California
A: Some people call me the Space Cowboy
Some call me the gangster of love…
Some people call me Maurice….
Cause I speak of the pompitious of love..

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank Steve Miller for the above answer.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

With little more than a week away from the opening kickoff of our 2008 College Football Season, it got me thinking about our passion for our teams, our colors, our players and our legends of the Fall.

The passion we share for this sport often transcends other thoughts and emotions.

The Love for our school and team runs deep and so does our hatred for our rivals.

I know graduates of the University of Montana that will not stop for gas (or anything else for that matter) in Bozeman because it is the home of the Montana State Bobcats. Which I was told sucks.

I have met Missouri Tiger Fans that will drive an extra 100 miles, just so they don’t have to go through Kansas on the way to Nebraska.

According to the Missouri Tiger Fan: “Kansas is known as the Sunflower State.
There are three kinds of Sun in Kansas. Sunflowers…Sunshine…and Sons of Bi#@&*!

Our passion begins at birth and does not end with death.

This past year Lady Bird Johnson passed away near Austin Texas.

Please notice the Priests giving the “sign” in the below video……..

WARNING: If you are a Texas A&M Aggie or an Oklahoma Sooner; please skip the video and continue reading.

 That my friends….is Passion.

Enjoy Your Update!

 

TEAM NEWS

CINCINNATI: This past week BearKat quarterback Ben Mauk filed a lawsuit against the NCAA after the “organization” rejected the young mans final appeal for another year of eligibility.

The same day the lawsuit was filed, Hardin County Judge William Hart, in Mauk’s home area of Kenton, Ohio, granted a temporary restraining order that says the NCAA cannot prevent him from practicing with the BearKats.

The judge set an Aug. 22 hearing on Mauk’s request for a permanent injunction against the NCAA.

Mauk came back from career-threatening injuries to lead Cincinnati last year to a No. 17 ranking in the final poll. He passed for 31 touchdowns and 3,121 yards even though his right arm and shoulder were still in pain.

Mauk broke the arm and separated the shoulder in Wake Forest’s season opener in 2006, then transferred to Cincinnati.

He appealed to the NCAA for an extra year of eligibility because of the injuries, but was turned down.
A second appeal claiming he redshirted his freshman year at Wake Forest in part because of different injuries also was rejected.

Mauk then went to the NCAA’s reinstatement committee, which ruled last week there wasn’t enough medical documentation to support his claim that he missed his freshman year because of injury.
His lawsuit says it’s not his fault that files weren’t maintained.

The NCAA was disappointed by the ruling, a spokesman said:

“We look forward to explaining more fully our reasons for the decision and the careful review given not only by our staff but also by representatives from our member schools” spokesman Erik Christianson said in a statement.

Additionally the NCAA is threatening the University of Cincinnati with forfeiting their season if Ben Mauk even takes to the practice field.

EDITORS NOTE: Soooooo “other” member schools have a say-so in the rules and who is eligibile and who isn’t? Really? That is what I like to refer to as “A Damn Lie.”

NCAA: Don’t you all have something more important to do than screw with a quarterback in Cincinnati, like say for example….FINISH the INVESTIGATION into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Florida State defensive end Markus White returned to practice Friday, a day after suffering a seizure. FSU officals said that White takes medication to control an undisclosed medical condition and that Thursday was not the first time he had a seizure.

When Coach Bobby was asked if White should be playing under the circumstances, he replied; “Now listen, I have discussed this before and I still believe that you shouldn’t discriminate against anyone because of their skin color. I think there is a place on this team for Whites, Blacks, Hispanics and Lord what I would give to have an Asian Kicker, like that Polish kid we had a few years ago.”

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Dementia” in the 2008 Websters Dictionary, it says “See Bobby Bowden.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: It seems the Trojans have suffered a “rash” of injuries lately.
According to the Los Angeles Times over 25% of the Trojan team has been affected by Jock Itch.

Coach Pete Carroll told the Times that “he has never seen anything like the current outbreak” and is pointing the finger at the new compression shorts the team is wearing underneath their football pants.

EDITORS NOTE: Every other football team in America is wearing the new shorts and nobody has the same problem as the Trojans. Couldn’t be the Pink Thongs your team is wearing at practice? Right Coach?
(Please see the August 6th Update on your College Football Wizard)
No word yet on the status of the players affected or Coach Carroll’s yeast infection.

NOTRE DAME: Early last week Notre Dame Officals reported that Head Coach Charlie Weis had lost over 100 pounds during the off-season. Unfortunately Coach Charlie “turned around” and found it on Friday.

OLYMPICS: The Folks at NBC want you to believe that “The World is Coming to China” for the Olympic games. Really? So where is the Antarctica Beach Volleyball Team? My Point exactly….

 

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: STOP saying that Coach Rod’s wife is a ten dollar Hooker! She IS NOT a TEN DOLLAR Hooker! Got it!
Anonymous - Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Coach, I mean “anonymous”… I never said your wife was a ten dollar hooker.
I said your wife “looks” like a ten dollar hooker, acts like a ten dollar hooker and talks like a ten dollar hooker. Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.

Q: Mike, it’s that time of year again, so I have to ask…What’s the difference between a Georgia Tech Cheerleader and a Pig?
P.S. How Bout them Dawgs!
Stan - Athens, Georgia

A: Stan, I would have to say about 25 pounds, a bad case of acne and Black and Gold painted toenails.

Q: Dear Sir: I am one of the Metaphysical Psychics hired by the University of Southern California Trojan football team to assist with the players delicate psychological balance.
Please desist with your negative comments concerning the Trojans, it is hurtful to the players.
Thank you.
Dr. Quan - Los Angeles, California

A: Wow, so you are a “mind reader”? Do you know what I am thinking right now?
If you guessed “The Trojans Suck”, you are right!

Q: Hey Mike! Could you tell me where I can find lingerie for a pig?
It’s not for me, honest! It’s for a friend.
Scooter - Lenoir City, Tennessee

A: I would suggest checking at Fredericks of Obknoxville.  

 

Only 12 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted next weekend.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Welcome Back to Part II of Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza!

We have a lot to discuss with this week’s Email Questions and Answers and the all important Pronostications of the Conference Championships.

So let’s get to it.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hey There! I like to read your column and me and my wife was wondering with all your popularity if you was looking for anybody to advertise on your site?
The reason I ask, is because my wife (Blossem) and I have come up with a dandy idea!
Everybody is trying to eat healthy now a days, am I right?
People want to eat stuff that is “all natural”.

So what could be more natural and healthy than Possum Milk and Possum Cheese?

If you is interested in having Blossem’s Possum Milk or Blossem’s Possum Cheese as a sponsor, just let us know.

It’s good and good for you (That’s what we a going to put on the package)

Bobcat and Blossem - Winchester, Tennessee

A: You two are Tennessee Volunteer Fans, right?
Now, it all makes sense….

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can help me with. I am a Kansas Jayhawk Fan (Go Jayhawks!) and we had several players leave the football team last year, but yet never heard if they graduated or were drafted by the NFL. Do you know what happened to the players that left the Jayhawks last year?
Thanks!
Chuck - Lawrence, Kansas

A: I know exactly what happened to the players from last years Jayhawks Team.
Coach Mangino ate them….sorry.

Q: Hello! I am 98 years young and I have been raising parrots for the past 14 years and breed them, nurture them and feed them worms. They keep me company and perform fancy tricks on tiny trampolines and chirp catchy, feel-good tunes all the day long. For Halloween last year I dressed them up as the characters of the TV show “the A-Team”. Tooty got to be Mr. T, he looked just like him. I just wish I could have gotten him to say, “I pity the Fool!”
I almost forgot what I was going to ask you!
How do you think the Seminoles are going to do this year? I wonder if Tooty could play Quarterback?

Bobby B. - Tallahassee, Florida

A: Coach, I think it’s about time for your nap.

Q: Listen Dung Breath, NO jokes this year about your sister-in-law! She does not have Horns! Those are calcium deposits! Also NOBODY wants to hear or read about her excessive body hair, the hump on her back or that one foot that looks like a hoof! I am sure that she has a wonderful personality and is very popular!
Anonymous - Pikeville, Kentucky

A: Did you like the Dehorning Paste I sent you for your Birthday?
No need to Thank me…

 

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS PART II

Due to time constraints I was unable to finish the “Pretenders” and “Contenders” section of the 2008 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza yesterday.

Enjoy….

PRETENDERS PART II

DUKE: The Blue Devils are to football what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

TEMPLE: See above and substitute “Owls” for Blue Devils.

KANSAS: I have good news and some bad news.
The Good News is that Coach Mark Mangino has beaten anorexia! Yes!
The bad news is that by the end of the year the Jayhawks will only be in contention for a bid to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Conway Arkansas. I would look at this as a “win”-”win”.

UTAH: I cannot in good conscience pull for any team that considers “Milk” an acceptable Tailgate Beverage.

OREGON: You have the most butt ugly uniforms of any sport at anytime in any country.
Your mascot looks like a gay Mr. Peanut…..
Your marching band uniforms looked like they were designed by a colored blind cyclops…
You refer to your offense as the “Quack Attack”….
And you wonder why I make fun of you?

WASHINGTON: I really wish the Mighty Huskies would return to Championship form…
Because I still miss Coach James.

CALIFORNIA (anything): How can I put this gently?
You suck. How’s that?

 

CONTENDERS PART II

ARIZONA STATE: The Sun Devils WILL compete for the PAC 10 title…Believe it.

WISCONSIN: Never underestimate the power of Cheese.
The game with the Mighty Buckeyes in Madison on October 4th will decide the conference title.

MIAMI: The Hurricanes will not contend for the Conference Championship this year, but they might ruin the Hokies chances when they meet on November 13th.

PENN STATE: Jo Pa will not win the Big Eleven…I mean “Ten” Title this year, but he will most certainly be a contender.

OREGON STATE: Coach Riley is a Bama Boy and that’s good enough for me.

ALABAMA: Because I said so….

 

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

THE BIG TEN…I mean ELEVEN

Despite the fact The Ohio State Buckeyes have Southern California, Wisconsin and Michigan State on the road this season, I believe this is a team on a mission.

The Ohio State Buckeyes WILL be Conference Champions this year.

THE BIG 12

The Missouri Tigers lead by Chase Daniels will most certainly win the Big 12 North, but don’t count out the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Coach Bo will have the Black Shirts ready to play. Believe it.

The Oklahoma Sooners “should” win the Big 12 South….
But Do Not underestimate the Red Raiders of Texas Tech.
They have one of the best quarterbacks in the nation that you never heard of in Graham Harrell.
Fortunately the Sooners have the Red Raiders in Norman this year on November 22nd.

But one slip by the Mighty Sooners…..

My Pick?

The Big 12 Champion will be the Oklahoma Sooners…

THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

The Clemson Tigers have some of the very best fans in the country that wrote the book on tailgating (Trust me on this one) and a favorable schedule to make a run for the title.

But they will have to play back to back road games at Boston College (November 1st) and at Florida State (November 8th). One late season banana peel and they will find themselves trailing the pack.

My Pick?

The Tigers WILL win the Atlantic Division…..

The Virginia Tech Hokies “should” win the Coastal Division of the Conference, but will not have enough horsepower to overcome the Mighty Tigers of Clemson.

Clemson Tigers 2008 ACC Conference Champions. Believe it.

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

WARNING: If you are prone to fits of anger or have a weak heart do not read any further.

The Georgia Bulldogs will NOT win the Southeastern Conference title or the Eastern Division.

As much as it pains me to say this. The Dawgs are undisciplined.

And to make matters worse….

The Dawgs have THE toughest schedule in the nation.
AT South Carolina
AT Arizona State
Alabama
Tennessee
AT LSU
Florida at Jacksonville
AT Auburn

The Mighty Florida Gators WILL win the Eastern Division of the Conference.
Why?
Two words for you…Tim Tebow.
Enough said.

The Team that will represent the Western Division of the Conference in Atlanta will be decided when LSU travels to Auburn on September 20th.

My Pick?
The Auburn Tigers

Florida Gators and Auburn Tigers in Atlanta for the Conference Championship.

The 2008 Southeastern Conference Champions will be the Florida Gators

CONFERENCE USA

Look for the Golden Eagles of Southern Miss to win the Eastern Division of the Conference with the Thundering Herd of Marshall hot on their heels.

The Western Division will be decided when the Houston Cougars and the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes meet in Texas on November 15th.

My Pick?
The Houston Cougars will win the Division and the Conference Title.

EDITORS NOTE: I still think the name “Golden Hurricanes” sounds dirty.

THE BIG EAST

This one will be easy….

Light those Couches!

The West Virginia Mountaineers will win it all in the Big East.

PAC 10

I really don’t care and neither should you, but if I have to pick a team….

The Arizona State Sun Devils will win the PAC 10 Conference Tilte this year.

EDITORS NOTE: You can’t stop a man from dreaming…..

The MAC, YAC, Paddy WAC Give my dog a bone Conferences…..to include “Independents”.

Does it really matter?

No it doesn’t.

 

Only 18 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted….soon.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

I have good news to report. 
Not only is “Dog The Bounty Hunter” back on the air, but we are only 19 days away from the opening kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season.
And you all know what that means…..it is time for your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

I know that it may be difficult for many of you to concentrate on the upcoming College Football Season with the latest news of the week.
Much like you I was shocked by what I heard.
Please, do not worry.
Even though Russia was reported to have invaded Georgia, I can assure you all they will never make it past Valdosta.
Those Georgia Boys will whip their ass.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Pre-Season Observations and Pronostications

ESPN: The College Football Crew of ESPN College Gameday will continue to ignore the Reggie Bush- Southern California Trojan scandal because the network has too much money invested in showing PAC-10 Football games.

ESPN Part II: As a side note, how about showing the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
You can run the scores at the bottom of the screen because most of us can READ.
We (The College Football Fans) do not need three or four talking heads in the “studio” to tell us what we already know.

College Football Announcers and Commentators

Sometime during the 2008 College Football Season we will tune into “our” game and find one of the below individuals that suffers from chronic diarrea of the mouth “announcing” the game.
My suggestion?
Hit the mute button.

Lou Holtz: As I reported last year; The “One Time” Coach that has left every single university team in his career under NCAA Investigation is not a human being at all, but a 145 pound Tom Turkey.
Why do we need to hear him gobble and spit for an hour in the studio before kickoff? 
My point exactly.

Mark “Milk Dud Head” May: I am guessing his Resume says he is a “Master of the Obvious”. 
If my team is down by two touchdowns at half time, I REALLY don’t need to hear Milk Dud Head say, “They need to score more points if they expect to win this game.” 
Really? You figured that out all by yourself? Thanks Rain Man.

Bret Musburger: If you look up “Gibbering Jackass” in Websters Dictionary, it says; “See Bret Musburger.”

Vern Lundquist: Most of the time this syphilitic old Troll doesn’t even know which sport he is announcing. Here is a hint: Golf and Basketball metaphors don’t have ANY place in College Football.
Dumbass.

Dan Foust: You put the “Dumb” in “Ass”. Congratulations.

Bob Griese: See Above

Pam Ward: See “Dan Foust” Above

Archie Manning: Do you know how to tell when Archie is saying something stupid?
His lips are moving.

Whoa Nelly! Where is the Great Keith Jackson when you really need him?

SOUTHERN CAL: The Trojans will continue to be the Darlings of media, that is until they line up against the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State on 13 September. Then the excuses will begin….

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines will start out the year 1and 4 this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Wolverine Fans, look at the bright side:
You have the only college football coach in the nation who’s wife dresses like a ten dollar hooker.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Coach Croom proved he can Coach and Motivate; expect more of the same this year. To include another Bowl game.

I still think Auburn’s mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

IOWA: Unfortunately the “Hawkeyes” passed on the sponsorship of a major fried chicken franchise and a mascot name change to “Popeyes” due to ongoing litigation by Olive Oil and Brutus.

INDIANA: Also in mascot news; the “Hoosiers” have passed on a wonderful sponsorship opportunity by a Nationally known “Wing” Restaurant and will not rename their team the “Hooters”.

EDITORS NOTE: The Hoosiers are however still negotiating with the FOX Network on a limited sponsorship with a popular television program and renaming their them the “Homers”.

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved Groundhog.

NEBRASKA: Big Red isn’t all the way back, but Coach Bo will get them there sooner than you think.

TENNESSEE: It was reported last week in the Nashville Tennessean that the University of Tennessee leads the nation with the largest athletic recruiting budget spending more than 2 Million dollars a year in private and public air transportation, rental cars and lodging.

Two Million Dollars A Year? Really?

Over a Million More than Notre Dame, Texas and Ohio State? Wow…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just because the University of Tennessee is the ONLY College or University in the country with a convicted felon on their board of directors is no reason to think anything is wrong.
I mean, just because he was convicted in Federal Court for embezzlement is no reason to worry.
After all, he isn’t like the last university President that charged the university over $180, 000 dollars per home game for “entertainment”, right? How much money did he “misappropriate”? Ten Million Dollars?

You Volunteer fans enjoy that 26% tution hike this year. I am sure your money is being well spent.

COLLEGE REFEREES
Despite a valiant effort by the PAC 10 Officials last year in screwing a number of teams out of wins, they will have to bring their Coke Bottle Glasses and Seeing Eyed Dogs to beat the Master of Disaster when it comes missed calls and determining the outcome of games.
I am talking of course, of the Southeastern Conferences own Penn Wagers.
That guy could screw up a two car parade.

This year a team from the Eastern Middle Western Northern Southern Conference will claim they should get a shot at the Championship because they beat a Taxidermy School from North Carolina.

This year I will still wonder who is actually on the BCS Committee.
Currently, I believe the committee is comprized of a group of chimpanzees on crack that make their respective decisions with the use of a dart board.

This year the Ivy League will still suck.

West Point: See above

OLYMPICS: If I hear one more time that Wong Chang Woo enjoys watching reruns of “Friends” and playing “Clue” my head is going to explode.

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

PRETENDERS

IOWA: The Hawkeyes must have worked really hard to arrange a schedule were they didn’t have to play ANYBODY of note in their Conference this year. No Michigan or Ohio State, just dates with Wisconsin and Penn State to round out a schedule dominated by cream puffs.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Sherman doesn’t even know the names of his players, do you think he is ready for the Big 12? The answer my friends is, no he isn’t.

EDITORS NOTE: For reasons that I don’t need to go into here, I can’t in good conscience pull for any Coach Named “Sherman.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on NCAA Probation by now? Just wondering….

ARKANSAS: The Mighty Razorbacks are a young team with a new coach.
They are two or three years away from the Southeastern Conference Championship game.

FLORIDA STATE: Due to recent restrictions in the Florida Parole system, the Seminoles will be unable to field a championship caliber team. There, I said it.

EDITORS NOTE: The fact that Coach Bobby can’t dress himself or remember what year it is should have no impact on his play calling. Which is nice…

LOUISVILLE: No Defense, means No Conference Championship. Period.

NOTRE DAME: You might beat Navy this year, but you all are a long way away from winning anything that really matters. Might I suggest scheduling the School that Re-Treads Tires and the Vietnamese Nail Salon in Lake Charles. Wait, Florida State has already scheduled those schools, sorry.

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines are in for a long season….a really long season.

COLORADO: Despite the fact my sister-in-law doubles as “Ralphie” the Buffalo Mascot at most home games, the Mile High team will fall flat early this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Please, no emails about “How mean I am to my sister-in-law” about her being the Colorado mascot. We are just thankful she is working….

CONTENDERS

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will be the Team to beat in the Big 12.
Remember you heard it here first. Get Those Guns Up Red Raiders!

TEXAS: Never Count out the Longhorns and Colt McCoy.
If they get by the Red Raiders and survive the Red River Shoot out, they will have a shot at the Big Time.

OKLAHOMA: This year the Mighty Sooners WILL be in the Big 12 Championship game….Believe it.

MISSOURI: The Tigers have Chase Daniel and the right surrounding cast to win the Big 12, but will they make it to the “Big” Championship Game?

CLEMSON: Tommy’s Tigers are Loaded and have a favorable schedule to win the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship, but can they overcome a history of late season stumbles?

VIRGINIA TECH: NEVER count out Coach Beamer and the Mighty Hokies.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes should win the Big Eleven..I mean Ten Championship. But they have to get by the Badgers on October 4th to earn it.

WEST VIRGINIA: Will the couches light the Morgantown sky this year?
Talk to me after Auburn comes to town on October 23rd.

LSU: The Bayou Bengals are a legitimate contender for the Southeastern Conference Championship if and thats a BIG if, they get through the brutal Conference schedule.

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs get through their schedule without getting bruised up they should and will be Number One. Period.

AUBURN: These Tigers are poised to ruin everybodies parade in the Southeastern Conference.
They ARE Contenders. Believe it.

FLORIDA: The Mighty Gators are my pick to win the BCS Championship.
Why? You will have to read Part II Tomorrow of the Pre-Season Extravaganza to find out.
Your Favorite College Football Pronosticators Conference Championships and Email Questions and Answers will be included too. So look for Part II Sunday Afternoon.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Until I leave in another couple of months I will be providing your picks and pronostications on the weekend.

Next weekend, in preparation for the opening kickoff to our beloved College Football 2008 Season, I will provide you the “College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza” with Conference and Championship Picks and pronostications. No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me.

This weekend we have reports from a variety of teams and conferences and a sample of the oddest collection of emails I have ever received. So let’s get to it.

FLORIDA STATE: As reported early in the week, Coach Bobby Bowden was said to have found the restroom “All By Himself”. Unfortunately Coach Bobby relieved himself in the sink and was reported to have been screaming at the hand drier “Hey Everybody! It’s a Jet Engine!” It’s sad really.

OKLAHOMA: This week Coach Bob Stoops dismissed one of the most highly touted freshman wide receivers in the country before he ever arrived in Norman.

Josh Jarboe of Decatur Georgia was sent “packing” after he posted an obscenity laced rap video on YouTube that referenced shooting people and then proceeded to follow up that stroke of genius by being arrested on the Campus of his High School for carrying a gun.

No word yet on when Bobby Bowden or Phil Fulmer will offer him a scholarship.

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it. That kid is a dumbass.

MICHIGAN: Last week Coach Rod’s wife shows up at a Wolverine Alumni gathering dressed like a ten dollar hooker and Vh1 announced that “Rock of Love III with Bret Michaels is currently being cast.”

Coincidence? I think not.

TENNESSEE: During the Southeastern Conference media days Coach Phil Fulmer was served with a subpoena to give a deposition in the case against disassociated boosters relating to the NCAA investigation of the University of Alabama.

Why is this important? For starters; Fat Phil and his “personal” attorney Jeff Hagood stated in 2003 that Phil Fumer would give a deposition in the case “as soon as the Coach’s schedule allowed.” Coach Phil then proceded to skip the 2004 Southeastern Conference Media days to avoid being served in the case and attempted to pass the $10,000 dollar fine for skipping the conference off to the University.

To make matters even more comical, if that’s possible, Coach Phil tried to claim that he wasn’t “served” at the recent conference media days, that he was “only signing an autograph.”

What are you? Stupid or just illiterate?

EDITORS NOTE: Much like you, I would believe that Coach Phil was “really” that busy for the last five years if Knoxville had a 24 hour Krispy Kreme, but they don’t.

WEST VIRGINIA: At the recent Big East Conference Media days Mountaineer Quarterback Pat White decided that he didn’t want to talk about West Virginia’s chances to win the Conference Championship or discuss the latest Bowl win in 2007. Instead, Pat White thought this would be a good time to claim the West Virginia Mountaineer BASEBALL team was racist because (In his opinion) they didn’t have enough black baseball players on the team.

Wait, aren’t you the quarterback of the Football team?
I have a novel idea; at the Big East Football Media Days why don’t you talk about FOOTBALL?

EDITORS NOTE: If anyone out there REALLY believes that a coach of a Major University Sports program wouldn’t want the best athletes on the field to win regardless of their color, religion or shoe size, then let me be the first to tell you. Congratulations; You are a dumbass.

LSU: Recently at a Fightn’ Tiger Alumni function Coach Miles made some unflattering remarks and jokes about the University of Alabama. Why Coach? Is the National Championship not enough for you?

Let me be the first to remind you Coach that you WON with Coach Sabans recruits, not yours.

You will not remain at the top of the ladder forever, after all this is the Southeastern Conference.

And lastly as Coach Bryant used to say; “Win without bragging and lose without excuse.”

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs have anymore arrests they won’t be able to field a two man row boat team.
Stop acting like Florida State and Tennessee, you all are Georgia for God’s Sake.

PENN STATE: Some Idiot Alumni of Penn State is banging the drum that “Jo Pa has lost control of the Nittany Lion football team” and should be fired.

Are you serious? Compared to what team, Yale? They don’t even have a marching band.

Jo Pa is a GIANT of the Game. Period. He should be allowed to retire when he damn well wants too.

Enough said.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s comments like this that confirms my dislike for yankees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So whatever happened to the NCAA and PAC 10 Investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush?

Go ahead ESPN, ignore it if you want and talk about how the “Mexican-American community have embraced Mark Sanchez as a Hero” and any number of other stupid articles about U$C.

We are still waiting.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hello! Welcome to Candyland! (I sometimes like starting my emails out like that!)
I am new to your column and have a question for you that I hope you can help me with.
I have a pet chinchilla named Skippy that I LOVE! I want to dress him up for college football games, but can’t find any place that has uniforms or college game day clothes to fit him, can you help?
Thanks?
Stuart - Irvine, California
A: You are a Southern California Trojan fan, aren’t you Stu?

Q: Mike we are expecting a BIG year for the Florida State Seminoles!
I have a question that I am sure you can help me out with!
Does Coach Bobby wear anything “lucky” to give him that extra confidence during a game?
Chuck - Fort Meyers, Florida
A: Depends

Q: Mike, I come from a family of hardworking oil drillers. My grandfather, Dad and four brothers are all oil drillers. The decision to follow my dream of becoming a puppeteer and a background dancer for children’s shows has resulted in me being ostracized by 92% of my family.
Let’s just say that I hear such phrases as “Worked on any new Fairy Dances lately Tim?” and “Hey Tim, why don’t you give us a private show with your lamb puppet?”

If this weren’t bad enough, I have to decided to come “out of the closet” and tell my family the news.

I am a Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan.

Do you have any advice that could help me?
Tim - Lagrange, Georgia
A: You are on your own Tiny Dancer.

Q: Greetings! While watching a rerun of “Charles in Charge” starring Scott Baio an idea popped into my head! I don’t get out of the house much but love to experiment and mix chemicals in my basement. Using a combination on melted deodorant, cheap cologne and some old hair gel, I wish to create a new cologne for me entitled BAIO! I believe those elements would re-create the vibrant smell of the real life Chachi!

So my question is this, if I were to create a unique cologne for the Greatest Coach in Tennessee History what would I need? I am going to call it PHAT Phil (You know as in “Pretty Hot and Tempting”)
What do you think?
Dale - Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I would go with the above ingredients and add a Krispy Kreme Bear Claw and Jelly donut, a scoop or two of Lard and a cup of Bull Crap and consider re-naming the cologne BFL; you know, as in Big Fat Liar.

Lastly Dale, Just say “No to Drugs.”

Only 27 Days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen

This weekend you will have a College Football Update!

We have alot to discuss with the close of SEC Media Days; Fat Phil “Getting Served” and news from Florida State that Coach Bobby found the restroom all by himself.
Hard to believe, but true.

Please stay tuned and thank you all for your patience.

Only 30 days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Just a quick update as I take off for my wife’s family reunion in the mountains of eastern Kentucky.
I hope to return with an accurate count of the mullets in attendance and a long awaited photo of my Sasquatch look-a-like sister-in-law. Ah Good times.

So without further ado let us get to this weeks news and reports from around the college football world.

FLORIDA STATE: Looks like it’s Deja vu all over again in Seminole Land.
Starting offensive tackle Daron Rose has been ruled ineligible for the 2008 football season due to academic reasons and will attend junior college in the fall.

Meanwhile, projected starting linebacker Marcus Ball was released from his scholarship as well for academic issues.

Coach Bobby will now start the season without Preston Parker (Who we discussed last week) Rose, Ball and another half dozen or so of his top players because of a classroom cheating scandal in a music history class.

EDITORS NOTE: Beyond anything else, let me state what you all are thinking.
What kind of dumbass has to cheat to pass a music history class?

OKLAHOMA: The Mighty Sooners and College Football lost one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time this past week when Jack Mildren passed away at age 58 after a long battle with cancer.

Mildren was the quarterback for the powerful Oklahoma wishbone offense in 1971 when the Sooners set an NCAA record that still stands today by averaging 472.4 rushing yards per game.

He will most certainly be missed.

TEXAS A&M: “Wanted: One Dog, MUST hate Orange.”
This classified add is straight from Aggie Land, as their beloved collie mascot Reveille VII is retiring and the Corps of Cadets are on the scent for a successor.

All candidates must be at least 18 months old. Puppies Need not apply.

EDITORS NOTE: You have GOT to love those Aggies.

FLORIDA: NEWS Flash from the University of Florida!
Tim Tebow is STILL the man; film at eleven.

EMAIL Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, my family and I just moved to central Florida from Pennsylvania. With all the different college football allegiances in the Sunshine state I have a question for you that I hope will keep me out of trouble with my new neighbors. What is the difference between a Florida State Seminole fan and a Miami Hurricane Fan?
Mark -Coco Beach, Florida
A: Mark I would say ten pounds of gold jewelry and a set of crunk teeth.

Q: Mike you were not joking! That Michigan Coach’s wife does look like a hooker! Do you think she will ever be shown on television?
Chuck - East Lansing, Michigan
A: I believe she will be on television. I am thinking “Rock of Love III”….

Q: Mike is there anyone out there in college football land that still believes that the University of Southern California “isn’t” getting perferential treatment by the NCAA?
Nick - Conway, South Carolina
A: Nick, I would say there is about as many people that believe that Reggie Bush and the Trojans are innocent as watch the “Best of Zamfir” Pan Flute CD infomercial at three o’clock in the morning.
In fact, I believe they are the same people.

Q: You’re the “Great College Football Prognosticator”, so what do you think about a Division I college football playoff? Inquiring minds want to know.
Stacy - Blackburg, Virginia
A: In the words of the immortal Coach Paul W. Bryant; “There is a playoff system in college football, it’s called the regular season.”

Whatever happened to Oklahoma playing Ohio State or Penn State and Alabama?

Instead we are forced to endure Florida State and Florida A&M or the “Mighty” Trojans of Southern California playing the Keebler Elves.

When real teams from real conferences will play a real schedule, then you won’t have a need for a playoff, the BCS, or Roy Kramer. Glad I could help.

Q: Mike you are obviously a Southeastern Conference guy. Tell me you will be pulling for Tennessee over UCLA in the first game of the season, right?
Todd - Tellico Plains, Tennessee
A: For me it’s like trying to decide who you want to win in a war between Iran and Syria.

Q: Mike does Duke University use some catchy phrase to promote their football program? Thanks!
Glen - Georgetown, Kentucky
A: They sure do Glen! It’s called “That thing that takes place between basketball seasons.”

Have a Great Week and remember only 92 days left until kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It has been a hectic week in college football since the CFB Wizard experienced some technical difficulties.

So, let’s catch up on the latest college football news from around the country.

FLORIDA STATE: From the “Here We Go Again” Department, Florida State wide receiver Preston Parker will have to sit out the “first two games” of the 2008 season after pleading guilty Monday to two misdemeanor charges.

You may remember that the the 21 year old Parker, the Seminoles Most Valuable Player last season, was arrested in April on a FELONY charge of having a loaded .45 caliber pistol in the dashboard of his car. This charge was reduced to a misdemeanor charge of carrying a concealed weapon. At the time of his arresst, Parker was ALSO charged with misdemeanor marijuana possession, to which he also pleaded guilty in Palm Beach County.

Coach Bobby Bowden had this to say concerning Preston Parker. “Preston made a very serious mistake, and there are consequences when one of our boys gets in trouble.”

EDITORS NOTE: I guess that all depends on your definition of “consequences.”

No word yet on how the lack of Parker’s services will effect the Seminoles in the first two games of the season as they prepare to play the South Georgia Taxidermy Academy and the Breaux Bridge Vietnamese Nail and Beauty College.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Two “former” Bulldog players Michael Brown and Quinton Wesley were given suspended sentences for firing guns on campus in March of this year. Each will be on probation during the sentence and could serve jail time if they do meet all the requirements set forth by the court.

The reason I used the term “former” is because Coach Sylvestor Croom kicked them both off the team soon after the arrests; for good.

The Coach didn’t wait to talk with them, gather additional evidence or have his personal attorney meet with the witnesses. He never said “Boys will be Boys” or any number of other catchy phrases used from Tallahassee to Knoxville.

If you are thinking that “maybe” the players weren’t “that good” and that gave the Coach a good opportunity to “send a message” to the rest of the team; Think again.

Michael Brown was the Bulldogs best offensive lineman, a second team All-SEC selection and a likely early round pick in next years NFL Draft. He was even on the cover of the Mississippi State Spring Football Guide.

Quinton Wesley was projected starter on the defensive side of the ball and was last year’s defensive MVP Runner-up for the Bulldogs.

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering, that my friends IS “Old School” discipline.

PENN STATE: Good News from Happy Valley. Jo Pa is out of the hospital after being treated for dehydration and is back to his usual routine of recruiting and preparing the Nittany Lions for the upcoming season.

EDITORS NOTE: Welcome Back Joe, you gave us a scare.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Recent revelations concerning “another” Trojan athlete have surfaced over improper payments and monetary inducements, this time within the basketball program. The investigation has “already” been conducted by the university and the findings presented to the conference and the NCAA.

So, why hasn’t the University of Southern California presented their “findings” yet to the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA on the investigation into Reggie Bush and the Trojan Football program?

ESPN: Why are you all so quiet over the allegations involving Reggie Bush? Could it be the hefty football television contract with the PAC 10 Conference and the flagship football program of the conference?

The reason I ask is because any hint of alleged NCAA improprieties involving Southern universities and you all act like a bulldog with a new bone; you won’t leave it alone.

So, why are you all so quiet now?

NCAA: See Above

TENNESSEE: Many of you have written me concerning an entry into Wikipedia on Phil Fulmer. Specifically the section designated to his “Family.”

It states: “”Fulmer and his wife Vicky have three daughters Courtney, Brittany and Allison. Son Phillip Jr. is from a “previous relationship”.

I have received an untold number of requests recently for a picture of the illusive Phillip Junior since this startling revelation was uncovered and as you all know by now I never disappoint my fans.

Through an exhaustive clandestine investigation I present to you, the young Phil Fulmer Junior.

Enjoy your Memorial Weekend…..only 98 Days until Kick-Off.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

We will break from the usual “Tuesday Email Q&A” with Hootie Snitch to update the Spring Football Games from around the Country.
For those of you that are interested….
Hootie and his cousin Ronnie have both been released from the hospital following Hootie’s failed attempt to perform laser eye surgery on his cousin.
I am sure he will have more to say about this incident later in the week.

We all know the Spring Football Games have become a showcase for the upcoming season, but they have also developed into a fans dream weekend with a number of events, concerts and programs to excite and motivate any college football fan.

The next two weeks I will highlight a number of College Football Spring games and the events surrounding them, including news from the practice fields to keep you all informed and motivated for the upcoming 2008 College Football Season.
Enjoy!

OLE MISS & DUKE: Excitement surrounds both football programs with new coaches on campus, with Houston “I’m a” Nutt at Ole Miss and David “I know the Manning’s” Cutcliffe with the Blue Devils.
The excitement transcended to the spring game as both teams doubled attendance from last years event. Duke had six people attend while Ole Miss had nearly a dozen in the stands.
Attempts to determine if some of the spectators had wandered into the stadiums by accident are as yet to be determined.

BEST QUOTE FROM A SPRING GAME: Cameron Newton, University of Florida.
“I am not competing to be the back-up quarterback. I am competing to be the starting quarterback.”
EDITORS NOTE: Two words for you son: Tim Tebow, Now go take a seat on the bench.

BEST COACH’S QUOTE: Coach Nick Saban, University of Alabama
“I don’t need any show dogs, I need hunting dogs out on the field.”
EDITORS NOTE: Enough said Coach.

TENNESSEE: The annual Orange and White game had a number of “interesting” events surrounding the game itself. My favorite would have to be the “Guess What Coach Fulmer Just Ate” Contest sponsored by Krispy Kreme and Big Orange Bail Bonds.

The winner was Hal “Scooter” Schofield from Winchester Tennessee with his winning guess of a 1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.
EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on the condition of the illegal aliens living inside the vehicle at the time of consumption.

MICHIGAN: Athough the annual “Maze and Blue” game sounds like a time when the Native Americans saved some frozen pilgrims; the arrival of a new coach to campus in Ann Arbor has brought an unusual carnival like atmosphere to the spring game.

Coach Rodriguez or “Coach Rod” as he prefers to be called has instituted a number of what he calls “fun family events” for the Wolverine fans at this years spring game.
In honor of his wife, Coach Rod has the “Pimp your Wife” booth, which will allow Mrs. Rodriguez to give hooker fashion tips to the female attendees.
Prehaps the most popular event will be the “So Sue Me” Q&A with fans when Coach Rod will claim amnesia and other excuses on why he can’t pay West Virginia the 10 Million Dollars he owes them, this event will be sponsored by the Trial Lawyers Association of America.

And on a football note: If you think the Wolverines were bad last year?
You ain’t seen nothing yet…..

EDITORS NOTE: Why would you want to be called “Coach Rod”?
Sounds like the name of a gay porn star.

SOUTHERN MISS: I am still mad as hell that the Southern Miss administration ran Coach Jeff Bowers out of town, so I have nothing to report.

ALABAMA: 78, 200 in attendance for the Spring Game. Enough Said…..

OKLAHOMA & OKLAHOMA STATE: Nothing new to report, OU is BIG, Strong and Fast and will be better than they were last year and Coach Gundy is still a man.

CLEMSON: The Tigers are loaded with a returning quarterback that could start for anybody in the country except Florida. The game with Alabama to start the season will be something to see.

FLORIDA STATE: Great News from Tallahassee!
Last week it was reported that Coach Bobby found the practice field “all by his self”!
Unfortunately Coach Bobby was wearing “Pink Panther” slippers and matching robe while holding a bag of oranges and shouting “Where is MY Monkey!”
Coach Fisher took over practice while Bobby was taken away to “rest”.

More Spring Games to report later in the week.

RTR
MEB