As the sun sets on the end of another year….
It’s time to wrap up the Bowl season
And the National Championship

Safety Tip: For those of you reading this on January 1st……
This column is not written or designed in 3D…..
If you are seeing double
You “may” have had too much of Grandpa’s Couch Medicine last night.

As I set here in my new Urban Myer Flip Flops and prepare to return to Satan’s Butt crack
Wait, I can’t decide if I like these things or not….
Never mind….
I decided I like them…
Or do I?

Never mind….
I will wear one flip flop around for another day and decide if I will keep them.

Before we go any further I want to say
The folks in Lubbock made a bad decision firing Coach Leach..
A Very Bad Decision

You may be wondering what New Year Resolutions I will make this year

My 2010 New Year’s Resolutions are quite simple
This year I will no longer introduce myself as “Gary Busey’s Illegitimate Son”
(But I did enjoy signing all the autographs last year)
I will no longer judge people on their height, weight and color of their eyes.
Instead I will judge people based upon whether or not they like ABBA.
(They suck by the way)
And perhaps most important of all
I intend on taking more time this year to enjoy my extensive collection of…
Herve Villechaize albums of classic Love Songs

These Urban Myer Flip Flops make me jump from subject to subject
Don’t they?
I am taking them off for good….
I changed my mind, I’m keeping them

Have a Great Year my Friends……

Enjoy!

One other thing…..
For you that doubt the soothing power of Herve Villechaize classic Love Songs
Please enjoy the following short clip
And before you ask….
“No” you may not borrow my albums

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BOWL GAMES

Friday January 1st 2010

OUTBACK BOWL
Tampa Florida
Northwestern and Auburn
With both teams in this game being of the feline variety
I would have thought it more appropriate to have this game
Sponsored by “Tidy Cat”
Never Mind…..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 33-24

CAPITAL ONE BOWL
Orlando Florida
Penn State and LSU
Lions and Tigers O’ My!
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-17

KONICA MINOITA GATOR BOWL
Jacksonville Florida
West Virginia and Florida State
In Honor of Coach Bobby’s last game…
The College Football Hall of Fame will display the legendary Coach’s sideline apparel in a special exhibit honoring the Tallahassee legend.
On display will be Coach Bobby’s Vietcong “Coaches” hat, welding goggles and trousers with a forty inch zipper.
SEMI-NOLES 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder…..
Considering the title sponsor of this bowl game…
Does the winner of this game get something that looks like a Komodo Dragon?

ROSE BOWL
Pasadena California
The Ohio State and Oregon
The Granddaddy of them all…..
The Ducks can go Quack themselves…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-17

ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
New Orleans
Florida and Cincinnati
This one will be nothing but Gators…..
Believe it…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Saturday January 2nd 2010

AT&T COTTON BOWL
Dallas Texas
Oklahoma State and Ole Miss
I had some of the best days of my life in Dallas…..
Not that it really matters here…..
I had a variety of headlines for this game I wanted to use…
“The Prairie Wind touches Ole Miss is a naughty place”
“These Rebels are Nutts”
“You can’t beat Ole Miss Nutts”
But you expect higher standards from me
So I will simply say
NUTTY REBELS 34-24

AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL
Memphis Tennessee
East Carolina and Arkansas
The winner of this game gets a free oil change and a tire rotation.
Which is nice…
RAZORBACKS 38-17

INTERNATIONAL BOWL
Toronto Canada
South Florida and Northern Illinois
Let me tell you what I learned about Canada….
When the speed limit signs say “80”
They mean “80 Kilometers an Hour” which equates to about “50 miles per hour”
For those you that may be wondering what “80 miles an hour” is in Kilometers?
It’s 128 Kilometers an Hour, at least that’s what my ticket said.
That’s No Bull
SUNSHINE BULLS 28-24

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL
Birmingham Alabama
Connecticut and South Carolina
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Connecticut” he spits halfway across the room?
STEVE’S GAMECOCKS 38-17

VALERO ALAMO BOWL
San Antonio Texas
Texas Tech and Michigan State
I believe having a Mexican sponsorship for the Alamo Bowl
Is just plain wrong.
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-28

Monday January 4th 2010

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
Glendale Arizona
Texas Christian and Boise State
There is only one thing that can be said about this game
It’s going to be a dandy
HORNED FROGS 24-23

Tuesday January 5th 2010

FEDEX ORANGE BOWL
Miami Florida
Georgia Tech and Iowa
As many close games as these two teams have played this year
Don’t you think “Nine Lives Cat Food” should be the sponsor?
Just wondering…
RAMBLING WRECK 31-17

Wednesday January 6th 2010

GMAC BOWL
Mobile Alabama
Central Michigan and Troy
For those fans and alumni of the two schools seeing the local sights before the game
I need to point out that due to a “funding” problem the statue of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at the Flora-Bama Lounge has yet to be completed.
I just thought you should know.
CHIPPEWA’S 33-31

Thursday January 7th 2010

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Pasadena California
The University of Texas Longhorns and The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
This will be a battle for the ages…..
Lee, It’s two more weeks on the couch for you my friend.
CRIMSON TIDE 33-21

I hope you all have a healthy and happy New Year
Hope to see you all next year

RTR
MEB

The rumors are true….
Today Coach Bobby Bowden stepped down
As the Head Coach of the Florida State Seminoles

We will talk about this monumental event
Some College football news from around the country
And take some rather angry emails from you my beloved readers

Today is a sad day throughout the Seminole Nation…
They are acting like they lost their Casino license…

So let’s get to it…

As you know by now Coach Bobby Bowden retired today….
Some have said it’s because he is “too old” to Coach

I say that’s baloney
Sure, Coach Bobby is “old”…
That goes without saying…

I even have a picture of Coach Bobby “before” he was known as Coach Bobby
This picture was taken at the White House after….
He was decorated by President William McKinley for leading troops up San Juan Hill.

Coach Bobby is nothing short of a Legend….

As we have chronicled in past articles…..

A “Reality Television Star”
Who isn’t looking forward to seeing “Bobby’s Boys”?

The camping scene when Bobby and his “Boys” are cooking out
When he tells Tommy….
“Get your hands off my wiener”
Priceless

For those of you worried about what Coach Bobby will do in “retirement”

Have no fear my friends

Coach Bobby “always” has a plan

Coach Bobby will soon be seen on the QVC Channel
In “Bling Bling with Coach Bobby B”

It’s going to be glorious…

TIGER WOODS

As you all know by now I do not mix my sports together…
However, with my beloved college football coverage being constantly interrupted this past weekend with Tiger’s “accident”
and along with the nauseating blubbering from television commentators about his “condition” after his “accident”
I feel obligated to weight in….

Let me be sure I got this right….
Tiger couldn’t pull out of his own drive way at what 10 miles an hour?
Without hitting a fire hydrant…

EDITORS NOTE: What? Did the Fire Department, just place it there over night?

And then….at least according to the “News” careened off the fire hydrant into a tree and at what…15 miles an hour?
Ok, you want my thoughts….
Here goes….
If Tiger can’t pull out of his own damn drive way without bouncing off a fire hydrant and hitting a tree…
Then I don’t want to receive another email asking “Why there aren’t enough minorities in NASCAR”

EDITORS NOTE: And we all really supposed to believe
His wife didn’t take a driver to the driver?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA & UCLA

Let me be sure I have this right….
Poor Coach Pete of U$C was “upset” with the Coach of Stanford because..
The Cardinal went for two points late in the game against the “great” Trojan defense, when the game was well in hand.
Yet, when the Trojans were up this past weekend against UCLA…
Coach Pete opted to launch a touchdown pass to “run up” the score against the Bruins.

That’s the essence of why we hate them….
Coach Pete Carroll and the Trojans and Bullies when they can be…
But cry babies when it comes back around….

FOX SPORTS

Fox reporter and noted Southern California Trojan lover Lisa Horne
Wrote and article this week entitled
“Why this college football season stunk”

Ah, could it be that her Trojans had a “bad” year?
I have an idea!
How about writing on the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans!
That should keep her ass busy for a while.

NCAA

Seriously, where are you with the “BIG” Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
If you think I am going to let this go, you are wrong.

CBS SPORTS

For those of you that witnessed the CBS coverage of the Gator – Seminole game this weekend, I want to clear up an ugly rumor that has been circulating the cyber world.

Noted CBS College Football commentator Vern Lundquist….
Is NOT pregnant with Tim Tebow’s baby…

Vern is just a fat syphilitic troll that happens to be in love with Tim.

Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding

NOTRE DAME & COACH CHARLIE
The Fighting Irish Athletic Administration dismissed Coach Charlie Weis this week
Many of you have written me, worried about his future….

Have no fear by beloved readers….
I have on “good authority” that Coach Charlie Weis
Will be the “new” Kool Aide Guy!

I think he’s perfect!
I can hardly wait for his commercials!

EMAILS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Sir,
As an alumni of Florida State University…
I would just like to express my disappointment in your incessant baiting of Coach Bobby Bowden.
As you know, Coach Bowden was only a few wins short of the blind guy, Joe Paterno of Penn State.
But, the important thing was not the wins, it was the longevity.
You see, as a member of the Seminole club, I know the wins were not as important as one may think.
No, Coach Bowden was going for a much better record.
Oldest Coach!!!!!
Yes, our coach Bobby Bowden could have had that illustrious distinction and gone down in the Guinness Book of World Records as oldest coach if he could have kept going for only 13 more years. And with his health being as good as it was, what would stop him from going until he was at least 100?
I know, I know, he seemed like he just loved to look at the grass or the little cartoons they drew for him on the play card, but that was the beauty of it all.
He could just stand there harmlessly, watch the ballgame, and wonder who was playing. Sadly, I think you may have contributed to his coaching demise with the ever present and constant degrading remarks and endless badgering.
I’m sad for you, Mr Wizard, but Coach Bobby is going on to a better place…….
Sun City, Arizona.
I heard he’s already picked out a name for his Fantasy Football Team: The Old Gray Mares That Got Kicked Out of Tallahassee.
Tammy in Tallahassee

A: Glad I could help Tammy…

Q: Hey, you, wizard boy,
Yeah, I didn’t even capitalize you name cause I HATE YOU!!!!
You make me SICK!!!
The coach of my BELOVED IRISH got fired today ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!!! Everything was okay until you put that stuff on your page the other day about moving “up” to the Colonial Athletic Association and playing for a FCS National Championship. AREN’T YOU CLEVER!!!?!
Then you had to put that ugly picture of Jimmy Clausen in his speedo’s on there.
WELL, HA HA HA!!!(Do you have one of those pictures with a frontal shot? I couldn’t see anything) And then you put that letter from the Pope on there.
YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!!! Or purgatory, whichever comes first.
By the way, could you tell the Pope that I’ve been really good and that the boy I was with after the Pitt game, well I don’t want to talk about it.
I know how he feels about promiscuousness and birth control.
But, other than that, I want you to BURN!!!!
Sophie – South Bend, Indiana

A: Sophie, say 12 “Hail Bryant’s” and you will fell better, I promise.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’m just as mad as a person could be.
Tim Tebow is such a SELFISH person that I can’t believe it.
You know, I was at the Florida-Florida State game, and during the walk up to the stadium I saw him cure a blind guy and healed two guys in wheelchairs.
But, do you think he’d go over to the Seminole locker room and cure our Quarterback so we could have a fair game? Nooooooooo. And his name is Christian!!!
I just think he could have helped us out and maybe we could have made a couple of touchdowns, that’s all I’m saying
Perry – Fort Walton Beach, Florida

A: Perry I don’t think even Billy Graham….
Could have saved the Seminole quarterback last week

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Did you just see the SEC commercial?
All the schools had things on their signs like “invented bionic arm” or “cured cancer” something exotic all except Florida…
“Invented Gatorade”
Dave – Athens, Georgia

A: Well, did you see the sign for the University of Tennessee?
It says…”We can spell Tang”

Q: Mike, I know this is going to get your blood up..
But did you see the article on PETA wanting The University of Georgia to replace UGA VII with a robot or a costumed person.
Saying that using a “live” English Bulldog on the sideline is to stressful for a breed that has so many medical problems.
What do you think?
Mark – Hattiesburg, Mississippi

A: Mark I will tell you what I think….
That kind of thinking just proves that my theory is correct…
“Some people just need killing”

Your Picks will be out tomorrow…

Just in time for the “Civil War”

So stay tuned

RTR
MEB

Not a bad week last week my friends…..

Hit the Florida State and Clemson Upsets….

(No Need to Thank Me, It’s how I roll….)

For the week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
was 40 and 9 or 82% and that leaves us at 369 and 97 or 79% for the season.

(Kill the applause Sign)

We have a big weekend before us….

This week we have a variety of Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” games
being played for a multitude of trophies including Pig’s Feet and the occasional Bejeweled Stick of Oblongata.

In Jacksonville Florida we have, with all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams,
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.”

And who can forget this weekend is the scariest of them all….

Yes my friends it’s “Halloween….”

And you all know what that means….

Little children come dressed as goblins and ghosts to your door and ask for candy….

Also, it’s time for Fat Phil Fulmer to rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat those very children that I mentioned above….

I pray none of your kids go dressed as a donut or a Bear Claw or they are goners for sure

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 29th

Valdosta Sate at West Georgia
The Wolves of West Georgia are outmatched in this instate battle…
I have a feeling this is going to get uglier than a Halloween costume contest at the Bowling alley on dollar beer night.
BLAZERS 38-10

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
Little known fact….
The Hokey Pokey is illegal to perform in 19 states and the District of Columbia
They are afraid that it really is what it’s all about…
HOKEY HOKEY HOKEY HI! 31-23

Friday October 30th

West Virginia at South Florida
The Bulls are hard to beat when the sun goes down…
But the Mountaineers brought couches and lighter fluid….
Light Em if you Got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Saturday October 31st

Moravian at Ursinus
Morey better watch his Uranus or he is going to get his ass kicked.

Texas at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys will keep this one too close to call….
Believe it…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-23

Ole Miss at Auburn
I cannot in good conscience pull for the “new” politically correct Rebels….
Even if they are playing the Tigers of the Plains
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-28

West Carolina at Chattanooga
I still think a “catamount” sounds like something nasty is going on….
MOCCASINS 24-17

California at Arizona State
I would watch this game
But “Zamfir” will be playing his “Greatest” Pan Flute hits on PBS
GOLDEN BEARS 6-3

Carson Newman at Wingate
Wingate sounds the college is in a “gated community”
Now that’s just pompous
SPARKS EAGLES 34-17

Miami (FL) at Wake Forest
Hurricane season isn’t over until November 1st….
It’s the Law…
HURRICANES 33-10

Ouachita Baptist at West Alabama
I have been incorrect in my characterization of the “Ouachita” Baptists
They are the ones that don’t believe in wearing shorts, I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-10

Kansas State at Oklahoma
Even if their new quarterback has a “football” mustache the Mighty Sooners are still a force of nature….
You know what a football mustache is right?
It has eleven hairs on each lip….
BOOMER SOONER 24-14

James Madison at Delaware
I don’t know anything about Jimmy, but his wife makes awfully tasty little donuts.
Not that it matters here, but that Miss Dolly is a sweetheart…
BLUE HENS 31-28

New Mexico State at Ohio State
Custer stood a better chance at the Little Big Horn than the Aggies do in the Horseshoe.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 45-10

Cincinnati at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him on Saturday night…
Believe it..
BEARKATS 43-14

North Alabama at Arkansas Monticello
If you sing the song “Moon River” and substitute “Boll Weevil” for moon river in the song
it makes for a much more entertaining version of a timeless classic.
I just thought you should know…
FLORENCE’S LIONS 31-21

North Carolina State at Florida State
I read this week the Wolfpack quarterback is “maturing” in the offense….
I wonder if that means his voice is changing and he is growing hair in funny places..
SEMINOLES 34-14

Delta State at Arkansas Tech
They call Tech “The Wonder Boys”….
Before this one is over they are going to be wondering why they tangled
With the Fighting Okra!
FIGHTN’ OKRA 28-14

Kansas at Texas Tech
My beloved Red Raiders are not the team they were last year…
But they still know how to GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-31

Samford at Citadel
There must be a lot of money in the “junk” business
when Fred Samford can afford his own college. I wonder if Lamont is the President of the school?
BULLDOGS 24-13

Nebraska at Baylor
I am not joking around here Cornhuskers….
If you don’t win this game
I will hold Lil Red hostage until the Shoney’s Big Boy admits Lil Red is his less successful and pudgier younger brother…
It will be painful, but I will do it…
HUSKER POWER 24-17

Weber State at Montana
Don’t get me wrong….
I think it’s wonderful the people that make a great tailgating grill have their own college.
But this is Grizzly Country…
GRIZZZZZZZZZ 38-14

Eastern Michigan at Arkansas
This game will be like “Crouching Tiger hidden Dragon”
Without the crouching tigers or hiding dragons
Other than that it will be exactly the same…
RAZORBACKS 45-0

Missouri at Colorado
I am not sure about Curley and Larry…
But MO knows how to administer a Buffalo Butt Whipping….
MO’S TIGERS 24-21

Rutgers at Connecticut
The Huskies have redemption this weekend for a lost teammate…
Count on it…
HUSKIES 28-23

Mississippi Sate at Kentucky
In a role reversal of nature…
The Blue Cats tree the Bulldogs…..
Count on it…
BIG BLUE CATS 24-20

Arkansas State at Louisville
Finally Coach K gives the fans something to cheer about…
At least for another week
CARDINALS 38-10

Central Michigan at Boston College
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Chippewa’s take down the Boy’s from Chesnutt Hill..
I’m serious..
CHIPPEWA’S 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
I bet Jerry Mathers is an Oregon State fan too…
How could he not be?
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

Coastal Carolina at Clemson
I don’t know about you…
But I think “Chanticleer” sounds like a cold sore
I shudder to think what their mascot looks like…
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt
The Rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech are neither rambling nor wrecking…
And that’s not good news for the Commodores
YELLOW JACKETS 43-14

Duke at Virginia
I would watch this game
but the East Timor Chimpanzee Poop Flinging Competition is going to be on ESPN U.
This weeks its all about distance….
BLUE DEVILS 13-7

Purdue at Wisconsin
This Big Ten Battle is played each year for the coveted Amish Ass Hat of Cheese
One safety tip…
Don’t wear it in the sun…
Or out in public…
BADGERS 31-28

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten Battle and you know what that means?
That’s right, another Battle for a coveted trophy and title.
This game is played for the “Prosthetic Pigs Foot of Des Moines”
It kind of reminds me of that one foot of my sister-in-law that looks like a hoof…
EYES of the HAWK 33-17

South Carolina at Tennessee
Don’t count out Coach Steve in this one, especially if Lane is still whining
Somebody needs to give that guy a pacifier..
VOWELS 23-17

Southern Miss at Houston
The Golden Eagles have a Houston size problem this week..
COUGARS 34-21

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Coach June and the Boys have it together this week….
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MIGHTY MUSTANGS! 31-24

San Jose State at Boise State
Little known fact….
“Livin La Vida Loca” is Spanish for “Jose is going to get his ass kicked……”
BRONCOS 43-10

Georgia at Florida
Jacksonville Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Nothing but Gators…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Michigan at Illinois
I think this “Big Ten” game is played for “Who has the Crappiest Weather” Trophy
Doesn’t matter, they are both ten miles from the Arctic Circle..
WOLVERINES 31-21

Iowa State at Texas A&M
Both of these teams have the exact same personality….
Except different…
CYCLONES 28-24

Temple at Navy
Did you know Bill Cosby went to Temple?
Yeah, that won’t matter on Saturday….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-14

UNLV at Texas Christian
Did I mention that I picked the Horned Amphibians to be undefeated?
I am still on track after this weekend…
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Air Force at Colorado State
This game is played for the “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
It is my understanding it will stay in Colorado Springs until Hell Freezes over…
FALCONS 31-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This reminds me…..
I need to get my “Dog the Bounty Hunter” fix….
I Love those guys…
WOLFPACK 33-14

Penn State at Northwestern
So “six” students in Happy Valley “aren’t” happy
over the “new” T-Shirt promoting the football team…
because they think it promotes Christianity?
Even though the design was voted on by the student body?

I guess we should call Boeing
and tell them to change the shape of their airplanes because the wings are in the shape of a cross.
What a bunch of ass monkeys…
Never mind…
JOE’S MIGHTY LIONS 24-14

New Mexico at San Diego State
You know what doesn’t rhyme with “Lobos”?
An Aztec ass whipping…
LOBOS 27-17

Washington State at Notre Dame
The Cougars have the same chance of winning this game as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a fitness model.
Slim and none..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-10

Tulane at LSU
The Battle for the Rag in Bayou Country…
By the time the Green Wave hear “O’ Say Can you see…….”
They will be behind by two touchdowns…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Southern California at Oregon
I know what you are all thinking so I will say it for you…
“My God, Can’t they Both Lose?”
QUACKS 28-23

Michigan State at Minnesota
This traditional Big Ten Battle is played for the “Giant Twirling Baton of Corn Dog”
It’s always funny until somebody loses an eye…
SPARTANS 24-17

Wyoming at Utah
Two Ute’s and a Cowboy walk into a bar mitzvah with an armadillo in a leather jacket…
Sorry, I didn’t know you had heard that one..
TWO UTES 38-17

Sunday November 1st

Marshall at Central Florida
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 24-21

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend

Happy Halloween

RTR
MEB

I know there were a lot of surprises last week…
I also I know that I missed a good deal of my picks and upset specials..

We could “What if” this all day and speculate about a myriad of outcomes.
For example..
“What if” Spartacus had a Piper Cub?
Or “What if” Caesar had a Cessna?

There is no sense in speculating any longer
It’s time we move on to this week’s challenges

But in case you were wondering…
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was
47 and 15 or a subpar 76% and currently for the season we are 160 and 34 or 82%.

Enjoy your games!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 24th

Ole Miss at South Carolina
This game will be a lot closer than people might think….
It all depends if Coach Steve’s Defense decides to show up…
REBELS 27-23

Friday September 25th

Missouri at Nevada
This epic struggle is the equivalent of a “Dance Off” between
Danny Terrio and Adrian Zmed….
Yes, it’s that serious
MO’S TIGERS 38-17

Saturday September 26th

Florida at Kentucky
I was awfully close to calling this one an upset special….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Washington State at Southern California
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game
TROJAN$ 134-0

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Pete how’s that Dog Bite?

Arkansas at Alabama
A powerful Razorback Offense against a Daunting Tide Defense
It should be a good one…
CRIMSON TIDE 23-21

Newberry at Carson Newman
I am more of a Mayberry man myself…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-20

Illinois at Ohio State
I got several emails this past week from Fighting Illini fans
telling me they are “Going to bring the Illini – noise” down on the Buckeyes
Good Luck with that….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-17

Miami at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
The Canes get Wang’d in Blacksburg…
Believe it…
HOKIES 24-23

Wofford at Chattanooga
You want to know what is good for a pesky cough?
A good swift kick in the butt with a pair of…
MOCCASINS 28-23

LSU at Mississippi State
This game features Cats and Dogs…..
Now there is a football tussle worth watching….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

Arizona State at Georgia
The Devils from the Sun are used to the Heat..
But not the Humidity….
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS 38-24

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
If you ever go to a Tech game..
and don’t take the time to go to the Varsity…
For one of the world’s greatest chili dogs and an order of hand cut French fries..
Then you are clearly a damn communist.
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17

Texas Christian at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
The Tigers will play their hearts out on Saturday
Believe it….
DABO’S TIGERS 24-21

South Florida at Florida State
The Bulls lost their starting quarterback last week for the season..
Not that it would make any difference here…
SEMINOLES 43-17

Wartburg at Loras College
Kids with warts tussle with some youngsters with a topical skin fungus…
This will be disgusting….
WARTS 28-10

Ball State at Auburn
Didn’t David Letterman graduate from Ball State?
Yeah, that really won’t matter here…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 54-10

North Alabama at Harding
The Lions of Florence are roaring once again…
ROARING LIONS 33-23

Army at Iowa State
Tornado’s and Divorces have a lot in common in Iowa…
In the end some guy always loses a trailer..
CYCLONES 24-17

Minnesota at Northwestern
How did the people of Minnesota determine that their Gopher was “Golden”?
How did the conversation start?
Did it go something like this…
“Dude, I can’t believe that thing got out of the road in time..
Man, that Gopher is Golden”
I still don’t get it…
O’ So GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24

Franklin Marshall at Juniata
Frank should know better than to tussle with Juanita when she is PM-sing.
JUANITA 33-14

Wake Forest at Boston College
This Game could easily be entitled “The Forrest Gump” game
Because much like a box of chocolates…
You never know what you are going to get in this contest
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 23-17

Georgia Southern at Elon
By the time this one is over that little Cuban kid will know all the words too
“Statesboro Blues”
EAGLES 31-23

Rutgers at Maryland
This game will be like watching two old people fight…
At First it’s kind of funny…
Then it’s just sad…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 21-17

West Alabama at Valdosta State
Honestly, this one had me at “Alabama”
TIGERS 31-28

Stony Brook at Massachusetts
I don’t really care who wins this game…
But I will tell you this…
If you are looking for a quick getaway or weekend vacation
There is no better place to stay than with the fine folks of the Stony Brook Lodge and Chalets
Located in scenic Gatlinburg.
Give Ed and Pam a call
And tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you.
You will be glad you did..
http://stonybrooklodging.com/

Maine at Syracuse
If you don’t think the Syracuse mascot is scary..
Then you haven’t seen the “new” Otto the Orange.
It looks like Phil Fulmer after a three day Krispy Kreme Bear Claw binge.
OTTO the ORANGE 24-14

Arizona at Oregon State
Much like Jerry Mathers…
I still believe in the Power of the Beaver
BEAVERS 38-27

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
You thought I was going to say something nasty here, didn’t you?
Shame on you, this is a family column.

Michigan State at Wisconsin
Cue the annoying “Jump Around” music…..
THE POWER OF VELVEETA 28-24

Ohio at Tennessee
I have Safety Tip
For the folks from Ohio visiting OBKnoxville this weekend for the game.
The term “Fast Food” has an entirely different meaning in Volunteer Country.
That term usually refers to someone that just hit a deer at 75 miles an hour.
VOWELS 44-10

Southern Miss at Kansas
Remember the part in “Wizard of Oz” were the Flying Monkeys tore apart the Scarecrow?
Yeah, this game will be a lot like that…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-28

Rhode Island at Connecticut
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for any team whose entire existence is predicated on a lie.
Rhode Island is not an Island.
Enough said….
HUSKIES 34-0

Indiana at Michigan
Hoosier Daddy?
WOLVERINES 38-17

Fresno State at Cincinnati
Despite the fact I haven’t received any Gold Star or Sky Line Chili from the Queen City
I will still do the right thing here…
But I’m not happy
BEARKATS 33-17

San Diego State at Air Force
Didn’t the Air Force bomb the ancient Aztecs during World War II?
Don’t laugh..
Have you read a High School History Book lately?
FALCONS 31-13

Tennessee Tech at Kansas State
You want to know what a fun word is to say?
“Chimichanga”
It’s fun to say, even when you’re alone
Never mind…
WILDCATS 34-10

EDITORS NOTE: You are saying it to yourself right now..
Aren’t you?

UTEP at Texas
That rumbling sound the Miners hear isn’t the mine collapsing
It’s a Stampede…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-10

California at Oregon
The Quacks will fall flat….
Believe that….
Yakty Yak don’t talk back
Take your money and buy a cat
O.K. I need to stop…
GOLDEN BEARS 34-31

Central Florida at East Carolina
The Golden Knights of UCF…
Wait a minute…
Why does everything have to be “Golden”?
We have “Golden” Gophers, Bears, Eagles and Hurricanes in this week’s edition.
That all sounds horribly racist to me…
PIRATES 31-14

Pittsburgh at North Carolina State
Did you ever notice when Lou Holtz says “Pittsburgh Panthers”
He sounds like Sylvester the Cat?
Maybe it’s just me…
PANTHERS 24-17

Akron at Central Michigan
I was going to make a joke about “Zip up that Chippewa”
But it’s too early in the morning for that…
CHIPPEWA’S 34-20

Western Kentucky at Navy
If Navy loses this game I am writing a nasty letter to Captain Crunch
MIDSHIPMEN 34-23

Idaho at Northern Illinois
I have a question for the Idaho fans…
Did Mr. Potato Head ever get married?
Or did he run off with that skanky Susie Squash?
Just wondering….
HUSKIES 38-14

Colorado State at Brigham Young
Are the Cougars over their skinning by the Seminoles?
You bet they are…
COUGARS 28-17

Grambling State at Oklahoma State
This game will be uglier than Janet Reno Pole Dancing
Sorry for the visual…
COWBOY UP! 44-0

Boise State at Bowling Green
The Falcons have the same odds of winning this game..
As Siegfried and Roy releasing a book on the “Joy of Heterosexuality”
BRONCOS 38-10

U La La at Nebraska
This game is going to get uglier than an orangutan’s arm pit
CORNHUSKERS 54-10

North Carolina Central at Duke
There is a great deal of excitement on the Blue Devil campus!
After the last Blue Devil victory
There were three students attempting to tear down the goal posts…
As I understand it, they are still trying
Which is sad..
BLUE DEVILS 27-17

Sam Houston State at Tulsa
The Hero of San Jacinto is taken down by a Golden Hurricane…
That sounded horribly nasty…
Sorry…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24

Northwestern State at Baylor
I thought creampuff season was over?
BEARS 38-10

UAB at Texas A&M
If the Blazers football team was a smell it would be Yak sweat
GIG EM’ AGGIES 44-0

Louisville at Utah
Both of these teams have a lot of Ute on each side of the ball.
It really boils down to which of the Ute wants it more
TWO UTES 33-31

Iowa at Penn State
I have on good authority…
That Joe Pa intends to harness the power of the sun through his reading glasses…
and roast the Hawkeyes
I don’t know if that is legal but it sure will be fun to watch
JOE PA’S LIONS 27-21

Notre Dame at Purdue
Slightly off the subject…
What is suppose to be so “magically delicious” about Lucky Charms?
If you want a breakfast cereal with some “magic” in it
I suggest you eat a bowl of raisin bran while drinking a cup of coffee
You will “magically” have the opportunity to read the Atlanta phone book
Not that it matters here
FIGHTN’ IRISH 34-14

Marshall at Memphis
Call me crazy if you want too…
It wouldn’t be anything I haven’t already heard from Mental Health professionals
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-21

Vanderbilt at Rice
What would this game be like…
If SAT scores could equate to points on the scoreboard?
COMMODORES 141,267,875 – 140,762,921

Washington at Stanford
Dogs pee on Trees…
It’s how they roll….
HUSKIES 27-21

Texas Tech at Houston
Defense? We don’t need no stinking Defense….
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 54-48

Hootie Snitch will have his Gator – Tennessee Volunteer game wrap-up tomorrow
So stay tuned
Enjoy your games
RTR
MEB

This past Saturday was certainly the Day of the Dog….
There were Bulldogs and Huskies…..
They came from Georgia, Mississippi State and Northern Illinois and Washington

On this day their bite was way worse than their bark….

The Bulldogs of Georgia hunkered down and treated Arkansas like a far sighted geriatric Mail carrier….

Bully from Mississippi State chewed the Commodores like a new dog toy….

The Huskies from Northern Illinois turned Purdue Pete into a crying four year old

And what did the Huskies from Washington do?
The week before they snapped the nation’s longest losing streak….
This past Saturday the Mighty Huskies took down the national sports media’s darling.

Congratulations to the Big Dogs….
We won’t forget that day anytime soon….

Now let’s take a look at the rest of the action that took place on Saturday

ARMY: O.K, I pick you to win and you lose…..
I pick you to lose and you win…
If this is some kind of Physiological ploy to confuse me
I want you to know, it’s working.

SOUTHERN METHODIST: Damn it Ponies, you almost had them….

SOUTHERN MISS: Much like the rest of the Golden Eagle Fans…
I want to thank you for scaring the crap out of me Saturday…
Great win over a tough ACC opponent..

TENNESSEE: All that bragging makes you feel pretty stupid about now
Doesn’t it?

VIRGINIA TECH: When the going gets tough in Blacksburg..
The Hokies will throw the two biggest Wang’s in college football at you.
Which despite the fact I am talking about the Wang brothers that play defense for the Hokies….
That just sounded nasty..
Sorry..

UTAH: Many of my Utah faithful have asked me “What happened on Saturday?”
Here is your answer…
With a number of senior leadership graduating last season they have too much Ute on the current team to have overcome the pesky quackers.

NAVY: Damn it….

OHIO STATE: My Buckeye faithful….
I have a question for you…
In your game with U$C last week, did you allow PAC 10 referees to officiate the game?
The reason I ask…
I have photographic proof that the Trojan$ didn’t score their touchdown on fourth and goal
More on this later

BRIGHAM YOUNG: It looked like Cinderella lost her shoes…

KENTUCKY: Congratulations on winning the Commonwealth Cup
You Big Cats deserved it…

CINCINNATI: I would have picked you BearKat’s this past Saturday….
But as we already discussed last week
I never got my shipment of Gold Star or Sky Line Chili…
Yes, it’s like that

BAYLOR: Please see “Navy”

NOTRE DAME: Told you so….

FLORIDA STATE: In case you didn’t know…
The Seminoles went into Saturday’s game with an unfair advantage
Coach Bobby not only read Brigham Young’s play book
He knew the man…

ARKANSAS: This is for the Razorback quarterback…
Listen Ryan, I know you came from Michigan and football up there is a “big deal”
But down here, don’t run your mouth about southern boys before you play them..
If you need a reference, please see “Tennessee” above.

WASHINGTON: I want to thank my Huskies Fans for writing me in various stages of inebriation on Saturday night, but let’s not forget that I did invoke the name of the Original Dog Father, Coach Don James in this weeks picks….
No need to thank me…

U$C: In case all you Trojans were wondering…
We are not laughing with you..
We are laughing AT you…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL POLLS: Now let’s see….
Ohio State lost a close battle to the Trojan$ and they fell out of the top ten….
The University of the Second coming lost to an unranked team..
But I am betting they won’t fall as far as Ohio State did losing to a ranked team…
And we are supposed to believe this is “unbiased”?

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Awesome Pick Mike!
I couldn’t believe it when you picked the Cane’s to beat the Yellow Jacks of Georgia Tech!
We hadn’t beaten them in 4 years!
How did you do it?
Thanks again!
Troy – Fort Lauderdale, Florida

A: It’s a blessing and a curse Troy.

Q: Sir, I’m currently in need of some players.
I lost my Smelley, Succup combo and realllllly need a replacement.
I am impressed with the Green, Cox combo incorporated by my contemporaries at UGA.
Think you could get me a Lotta, Butts or maybe a Smelly, Finger combo?
Thanks
Steve Spurrier
The REAL USC

A: Coach, what did I tell you about contacting me on this forum?
Just call me…

Q: Dear Sir –
We hope with the recent passing of our great President of the NCAA, Myles Brand that you feel some remorse over the many things you have written on your website concerning this fine man.
With his passing we hope that we can move past the rhetoric together and towards real reform in collegiate athletics.
We here at the NCAA will miss President Myles Brand and his leadership but we know that he is looking down on the staff of the NCAA and depending on all of us to continue his work in college athletics.
Sincerely – The NCAA Enforcement Staff, Indianapolis, Indiana

A: Didn’t you mean to say “he is looking up”….
The only reason I mention it..
Is because I hope you all had the good sense to bury him in an asbestos suit.
I have a sneaking suspicion he is going to need it.

Q: Dude! What the Hell!
You picked Notre Dame over the Spartans!
We hadn’t beaten them at home since 1993!
We are still partying in South Bend!
How’d you do it?
Sean – South Bend, Indiana

A: Call it the luck of the Irish..

Q: Dear Sir,
Just a short letter to inform you that MYLES DIDN’T GET ME!
MYLES DIDN’T GET ME, NYAHH, NA NA NA NA!

Pete Carroll
Supreme Commander of Football
University of $outhern California

A: I can’t say this letter is a surprise..

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
As the NUMBER UNO BIGGEST GEORGIA BULLDAWG FAN IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!
I have been reading up on that female runner everybody’s been talking about.
See, she’ supposed to be a cross between a guy and a girl.
I saw a picture of her and she does kinda look like a girl.
But, when you hear her talk she sounds like a guy.
They said she’s got some of them male parts of her…
I think they call ‘em Tostitos or something that aint dropped yet.
Kinda like a dawg puppy that aint quite grown up yet.
You know, after a few months their Tostitos will drop and everything like that.
Well, I got to lookin’ at some of them Tennessee Volunteers cheerleaders on the TV the other day and got to thinkin that boy, some of them girls look like they could be that runner girls sister!! Or brother!!
Do you thank them Tennessee Volunteers have been recruitin’ cheerleaders from foreign countries?
Is that even legal?
I think that I’m going to write the NCAAP and tell that Mr Myles Brand that he needs to be a lookin’ up some of them girls skirts to make sure they are the right S – E – X to be doin’ some cheerin.
Besides, my buddy Homer Philpot said that Mr Lane Kiffin was using a couple of them girls in their games as receivers and that just aint fair!!
Lenny in Ludowici

A: You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you Lenny?

More later on in the week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Before we kickoff the 2009 College Football Season this week…
We have a few things to discuss…

We have some college football news and some of your College Football Kickoff Email Question and Answers.
Look at this segment as a warm-up before the opening game…
Minus the jumping jacks and all the sweating..

Enjoy!

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: Amazing…
The NCAA has finally cleared Volunteer running back Bryce Brown to play football.
The “investigation” was reported to have begun last season when Brown was still in high school and the controversy was concerning his reported dealings with a person handling his recruitment.

EDITORS NOTE: Let me be sure that I understand this correctly…
The NCAA has enough “investigators” that they can trail a high school player and stalk Alabama football players on fishing trips, but they can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s momma’s house?

MICHIGAN: This past weekend….
The Detroit Free Press reported that several wolverine football players have stated that Coach Rod and his staff routinely violate NCAA rules in regard to time limits on practice and football related activities.
Specifically…
Players from the 2008 and 2009 teams told the Detroit Free Press for a story published on the newspaper’s Web site on Saturday that the amount of time they spend on football activities during the season and in the offseason greatly exceeds the limits. The players spoke to the newspaper on condition of anonymity because they feared repercussions from coaches.

As you might imagine…
Coach Rod and Michigan Compliance Director Judy “Which way did they go?” Van Horn had a different perspective.
“We know the practice and offseason rules and we stay within the guidelines,” Rodriguez’s statement reads. “We follow the rules and have always been completely committed to being compliant with all NCAA rules.”
“During the season, the NCAA limits ‘countable’ practice activities to 20 hours per week,” Van Horn’s statement reads. “There are activities that don’t count, such as rehab and getting taped. We educate our coaching staffs and student-athletes [in all sports] to keep everyone informed of the rules. Also, compliance and administrative staff conduct in-person spot checks of practice during the academic year and summer.
We have not had any reason to self-report any violations in this area with any of our sports.”

EDITORS NOTE: Now that we have an “issue” north of the Ohio River it will be interesting to see how fast the NCAA is going to move on this one..

MICHIGAN II: In an effort to draw attention away from his recent shenanigans…
Coach Rod stated this past week that he wants pre-season games to be added to the NCAA college football schedule to help them prepare for the upcoming season.

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Coach Rod…
There is a place where they have Pre-Season Football games…
It’s called the N-F-L…dumbass.

FLORIDA STATE: You have to hand it to the Seminoles…
Like their namesakes they will not yield and they will not surrender.

As you may already know….
Judge John Copper ruled the NCAA must release all documents related to the investigation into Florida State University to comply with the State of Florida Law regarding open records.

The Judge’s decision wasn’t personal….
It was to comply with the law of the state of Florida

Yet, the attorney representing the NCAA…
Ms Linda Salfrink, lashed out at Florida State over the ruling stating..
“If they (Florida State University) don’t want to follow the rules, they don’t need to be a member.”

The Tallahassee Democrat emailed NCAA spokesperson Stacey Osburn several times asking if Salfrink’s statement represented the organization’s official stance.
Osburn has yet to reply…..

Joe Jacquot, the Chief of Staff for Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum said this is not a matter of FSU having a choice between state law and the NCAA rules.

“Absolutely they have to follow the state law,” Jacquot said. “In the end, the state law, the public records law, is there to protect Florida institutions and the Florida people.”

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA doesn’t feel like it has to comply with state laws..
But everybody must submit to their rules, is that about it?

My friends, it is time we do exactly what attorney Linda Skank Face said….
We don’t need to be members…

It’s time we secede from this one sided dictatorship…..
Coach Bobby, can I get an Amen?

OKLAHOMA: This past week….
The Sooners reported a handful of minor NCAA rules violations, mostly dealing with what the university describes as inadvertent phone calls or text messages by various coaches.

The Associated Press obtained documents on Friday detailing the secondary violations through an open records request.

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA didn’t have a problem with the “Open Records” law in Oklahoma? Makes you wonder what the NCAA is hiding in the Florida State “investigation, doesn’t it?

GEORGIA: My Dear Bulldog faithful….
It’s time to get your Media Guide in order in regard to scores of last years games..
You know what I am talking about…
I have too much respect for Lewis to say their name…
But you have to do the right thing.

ALABAMA: The NCAA is reported to be “investigating” the University of Alabama football program over three players going fishing with one of the player’s next door neighbor.

Yes, I am serious….

But let me answer your questions now…
The gentleman that took the boys fishing was not an alumni or a booster of the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the boys fishing has never attended nor do any of his children attend the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the boys fishing was in no way connected in any way with the University of Alabama.
The gentleman that took the three boys fishing was a next door neighbor to the parents of one of the players he took fishing.
That’s it…..

EDITORS NOTE: So the NCAA is concerned about when and where Alabama Football Players go fishing, but they aren’t concerned about New Era Sports Agents at U$C?

My Friends you know how I feel….
Secede from the NCAA now…..

ESPN: You may have heard…
This past week Coach Lou Holtz picked the Notre Dame Fighting Irish to play the Florida Gators for the National Championship and subsequent Glass Football in Pasadena California in January 2010.

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know what Coach Lou has been drinking….
But I do know that it will make you crazy as hell….

OKLAHOMA STATE: I never thought I would be saying this….
The Cowboys from Stillwater have abandoned one of their traditions….

It’s true…..
The Cowboys have entered Boone Pickens Stadium to Aerosmith blaring “Back in the Saddle Again” since the song was released back in the 70’s.

In fact, enjoy the video below of their “Old” Entrance before we continue this discussion.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now the administration wants to change all that….

John Martin, who happens to be a graduate of Baylor University…
Wrote “Cowboys Forever” and somehow sold the idea to the University Administration to replace the Aerosmith opening with this ridiculous Disney / Jonas Brothers / Country Pop crap.

The words to the song alone are enough to make me retch….

COWBOYS FOREVER

The prairie wind touches our skin
Another maverick morning begins
Wild west eyes rise before the sun
We are young guns on the run
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
Stay here today, gone tomorrow
The open range is our home
All that we own lives inside our soul
We are cowboy to the bone
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
Riding Bullet across the plains
To avenge our kin’s blood and name
In bedlam we will rise and stand
With strength and honor to defend our land
Hang’em high, pistols to the sky
We ride, we ride, ‘cross the line
It’s in our veins
The feel of the reins
.45’s, chaps, bandannas and spurs
We are cowboys forever
We are, we are
Cowboys forever

Go to www.johnmartinlive.com/lyrics/

And listen for yourself…..

Are we to believe this was meant to inspire the crowd?
Is this intended to get the team motivated when they come out of the tunnel and hit the field?

This has caused a great deal of hate and discontent with Cowboy fans across the nation.
And I can’t blame them….

But thank God for college students….
Enjoy the brief parody of “Cowboys Forever” produced by some college students in Stillwater…
It is priceless….

Click here to view the embedded video.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS: In the immortal words of Gomer Pyle…
“Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!”

Without ever playing a down thus far in the season the Trojan loving writers of the College Football News have decided that the U$C Trojans will play in the National Championship game…

EDITORS NOTE: Keep in mind…
These are the same guys…
That back in the 80’s would argue that Boy George and George Michael weren’t gay…..
Bet they still have their posters hanging in their mom’s garage..
Enough said…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD CORRECTION:
When I am wrong I admit it…
In the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza I named a number of college football “commentators” that were “the worst in all of college football.”
Then I got the news last week..
That in the CBS pregame college football studio will be none other than…
Fat Phil Fulmer…

Enough said…
My apologizes to all the names mentioned in my earlier article.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exception to the above apology: Pam Ward of ESPN.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL RUMOR:
There is no truth to the rumor that NASA is going to use Fat Phil Fulmer’s ass to plug the depleted ozone layer in the earth’s atmosphere.
This is an ugly rumor….
I know for a fact that NASA doesn’t have a rocket big enough to accomplish the mission.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding.

NCAA: You have time to watch high school kids play football and hide in the bushes while football players are fishing with their neighbors, but after four damn years you still can’t tell us anything about the Reggie Bush and Southern California Trojan Investigation?

EDITORS NOTE: If you think I am going to let this go…
You got another thing coming…

ESPN II: As a side note….
I hope we see Lee Corso on ESPN Gameday in Atlanta this weekend..
You better be there coach, it won’t be the same without you.

Pre-Season Kickoff Email Questions & Answers

Q: Mister Wizerd –
We presented our pertetions to you concerning takin that Hootie Snitch off-n your website. He is a makin all the Tennesse Vol fans look straight up inorant!
Everybody done went an signed it in our town, even Herbert Moore, he’s the mayor.
So, please take that Hootie Snitch often the website before he makein us Vol fans look any more stupid and dumb than he already has.
Sinserely –
Claudette and Gladis Hogwaller – Briar Switch, Tennessee

A: Honestly, I am speechless.

Q: I write you again because I no hear back from you.
This is Ding Dung and we want NCAA to change military academies mascots!
Where address to write to NCAA!
Military Mascots make us feel demeaned and make us think on bad times in Vietnam.
How you send NCAA address to me?
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: What is this National Illiteracy Week?

Q: Your racist banter is out of line and clearly out of touch with today’s climate.
You don’t understand that people of all races and creeds and color, religion or sexual identity have an equal place in our world.
There is simply no place for racist rants such as yours in our world.
If you do not want to be boycotted by our organization I suggest you make a drastic change to your content in future writings.
“Our Harmony is Our Dream”
Gay and Lesbian Alliance – Los Angles, California

A: O.K, you want sensitive? I’ll give you sensitive..
So a Lesbian, and Arab and a Rabbi walk into this bar…

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
So I hear your “friend” President Myles Brand has pancreatic cancer.
I didn’t know a gerbil could get to the pancreas from the rectum.
Dr. Paul – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Well Doctor Paul….
Myles has had his head up there since he was President of Indiana University…
So I would imagine you could fit a Buick up there by now…

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can answer for me.
Baseball has a “Field of Dreams”, does football have anything like that?
Debbie – Mobile, Alabama

A: Football does have a “Field of Dreams” Debbie…
It’s in a little town called Parkersburg Iowa….
They call it Ed Thomas Field….

Your Week One College Football Picks will be out tomorrow morning…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

I interrupt your normally scheduled article with the “Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet”..
Mr. Hootie Snitch; with breaking college football news.

The Associated Press reported that a ‘Top Official” of the NCAA said a court ruling Thursday dealing with cheating at Florida State are public records, sets a precedent that…

“Will rip the heart out of the NCAA….”

The NCAA official further stated that this ruling will…..

“Thwart the agencies efforts to ensure competition is fair and equal”

EDITORS NOTES: I don’t know which is funnier….
When the NCAA uses words like “Fair and Equal” or “Education”.

The issue in question revolves around the release of documents associated with the NCAA “Investigation” into alleged academic wrong doing by some Seminole student athletes.

EDITORS NOTES: As a side note…
Ever notice it’s only Southern Athletes from Southern Universities that are involved in “Academic” issues?
Maurice Clarett at Ohio State couldn’t spell “Hot Dog” on the Soul Train Scramble Board if he had a week….but “we” have an academic problem in the South…

The NCAA does not want you the public to read how they do business or the process in how they render their verdicts and they certainly don’t want you to know how much money they generate for themselves.

But the latest court ruling has the NCAA shaken to its corrupt foundation….
In the words of David Berst; the NCAA Vice President for Division I Athletics…
“We could see copycat efforts in other states; yes, I believe that would rip the heart out of the NCAA.”

EDITORS NOTES: Yeah….
God forbid the NCAA has to be held accountable and follow state laws….

Mr. Berst’s comments from the witness stand came soon after Circuit Judge John Cooper rejected the NCAA’s claim that the documents in the Florida State case are not public.

As you may know the Associated Press and other media outlets had sued the NCAA to get the records on the college athletics governing body’s plan to strip coaches and athletes of wins in 10 sports at Florida State.
Florida law says records are public if they are “received” by a state agency.

The NCAA claimed the Florida State documents were not because the school never physically possessed the documents in paper or electronic form.

Instead, the NCAA posted them on a secure read-only Web site that could only be accessed by the law firm Florida State had hired for its appeal.

Florida State University officials could also have gone to NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis to take a look at the documents, but not reproduce them.

Judge Cooper rejected the argument.

After Berst’s testimony, Judge Cooper rejected the NCAA’s claim that even if the documents are public records they should not be released because that would violate free association, contract and interstate commerce rights under the U.S. Constitution.

The judge also found that making the documents public would violate neither state nor federal laws guarding the confidentially of student academic records.
He made that ruling after privately reading copies of two documents being sought that had student names blacked out.

EDITORS NOTES: Here is my question for the NCAA….
It is the same one they apply to most other universities in their volunteer organization…
If you have nothing to hide….
If your organization conducts its business above board….
If your organization is truly concerned with being “fair and equal”…
Then why all the secrecy?

And one last thing…..
If you can wrap up an investigation of this magnitude in such a short period of time, then where are you with the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Speaking of Investigations….

This week the NCAA Committee on Infractions will force the Memphis Tiger basketball team to vacate its NCAA record of 38 victories and final four Season dating back to 2007 and 2008 and serve three years probation due to NCAA rules violations.

Memphis president Shirley Raines said shortly after the NCAA’s announcement that the school is appealing what she called an unfair penalty.
“We know the rules,” Raines said. “We did our due diligence. We did everything we could to determine the student-athlete was eligible and that the rules were being followed.”

EDITORS NOTES: Wow……
That NCAA Investigation went pretty fast didn’t it?
You boys from the NCAA really move out when the university is below the Ohio River don’t you?
But in four damn years the NCAA still can’t find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s House and tell us where we are with the “investigation” into the Southern California Trojans?

I have saved the best for last….

Have you heard what the NCAA has done to the University of Tennessee?

As you all know by now I am no fan of the Tennessee Volunteers….
However, that being said….
They are being railroaded by the NCAA……

Recently the NCAA ruled freshman running back Bryce Brown ineligible due to relationship with Brian Butler, who was Brown’s adviser/handler during his recruitment. Brown was one of several prospects that Butler mentored.
The NCAA has known about this issue (by their own admission) and neither warned the young man or the University of Tennessee athletic department about the possibility of NCAA violations.

In particular, the NCAA is looking into some of the fundraising Brown accepted in high school to visit college campuses and what role Butler might have played.
“The NCAA continues to investigate [Brown] and his whole history going back to when he was young, and I know that bothers him,” Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin said on Tuesday. “It’s pretty unfortunate.”

EDITORS NOTES: So why would the NCAA purposely withhold information that could potentially hurt not only the student athlete, but the University?
Are we to believe that the NCAA has the time and manpower to watch this athlete in high school, but they can’t seem to locate Reggie Bush’s Momma’s house?

All I have to say is this…
You know the NCAA is out of control when I am….
Actually defending the University of Tennessee…

It is time for the Southeastern Conference to secede from the NCAA…..
The Big 12 and the Atlantic Coast Conference should follow suit…
Coach Bobby, can I get an Amen?

Only 13 days until Kickoff….
Hootie Snitch will return next week…
and your Week One College Football Picks are right around the corner…
Have a Great weekend…

RTR
MEB

We have a lot of college football news to discuss from Tallahassee to Tacoma….
So let’s get to it…..

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: This past week Athletic Director Mike Hamilton alluded to the Volunteer Football Team wearing black jerseys at selected home games this year….
Despite the fact “black” is not an official color of the University of Tennessee.
In case you were counting….
The current list of “official” University of Tennessee school colors is as follows:
Orangutan Orange
County Work Crew Orange
Road Cone Orange
Hunters Orange
Glow in the Dark Neon Orange
Cheetos Orange
Baboon ass Orange
Pumpkin Orange
Orange peel Orange
Cheese Curl Orange
Nehi Soda Orange
Orange Crème
Infected Spider Bite Orange
Just plain Orange
Teal
Light Blue
Magenta
White
Off-White
Cream
And
Black

EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking…
But this is nothing….
You should see how many mascots they have…
Which we will discuss in a later article….

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: This past week Stewart Mandel of SI posted his list of the “Top Ten Best College Football Coaches of All-Time.”

Who was Number One?

Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant….

Which goes to show you even a gibbering idiot can get it right occasionally….

FLORIDA STATE: As Bobby Bowden and the Seminole Faithful wait patiently for word on their appeal to the NCAA on the 14 vacated wins…..
It’s important to remember…..
Coach Wally English….
That name doesn’t ring a bell?
He was the Coach for the Tulane Green Wave in 1983…..

The NCAA took two wins away from him that season for playing with what they determined as an ineligible player….
The NCAA said the Green Wave had one ineligible player…
It was the quarterback and the coach’s son…
John English…
But more importantly…..

One of those “wins” went to Bobby Bowden and Florida State….

That’s right….
One of Bobby’s 382 career victories….was actually a loss.

Never mind the 31 games Coach Bobby won at Samford that is counted towards his grand total or his “Big Win” in the Golden Isle Bowl against Gordon Junior College…

The date was September 17, 1983 and the final score was Tulane 34 Florida State 28…

Coach Bobby, according to the asterisk in the Seminole Media Guide, won the game by “forfeit”.

But according to an interview Coach Bobby did on November 9th 1983…
and I quote Coach Bobby….

“I wouldn’t mind getting a little forfeit; I’m getting to the coward stage and will accept a forfeit”

So now the NCAA wants to forfeit 14 Seminole wins from Bobby’s record because they said he used ineligible players.

I guess Coach Bobby has learned the first rule of the NCAA…..

The NCAA giveth and the NCAA taketh away……

SOUTH CAROLINA: This past week the Gamecocks “Self-Reported” 14 secondary violations relating to the football and other athletic programs at the University.
The national sports media couldn’t wait to promote that as a headline…
But what are the secondary violations?
Such heinous crimes as student athletes using expired meal cards….
Not returning their text books on time….
And…..
“Unauthorized” Snacks…..

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t be surprised if the NCAA doesn’t give them all the electric chair…

But yet not a single word from the national sports media about the status of the NCAA “Investigation” into Southern California and Reggie Bush…
Not a word….
But they couldn’t wait to promote “another” Southeastern Conference School as “Cheaters.”

EDITORS NOTE: My friends how much more are we going to take before we secede from the NCAA?

Coach Bobby, can I get an “Amen”?

ESPN: See “South Carolina” above, you cowards.

FOXSPORTS: Please see “ESPN” above….

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: “If” you can read it….
Please see “South Carolina” above….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS: Read the above, Trojan lovers..

NCAA: So now that we are on the topic….
Where the hell are we with the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Make no mistake….
We aren’t going away…

NEWBERRY COLLEGE: Thanks to the NCAA….
The Newberry “Indians” were forced to drop their nickname in 2007 because it was deemed racist by the fine folks in Indianapolis.

Since that time….
Newberry has been unable to come up with a nickname that will satisfy the students, alumni and the NCAA.

So Newberry is a school without a mascot.

That’s why I am here….
Hence forth they will be known as….
The Newberry College “We don’t have a nickname because Myles Brand is a Jackass.”

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
It doesn’t sound very catchy…
But it has less profanity than my first choice….

FLORIDA: Good News and Some Bad news…..
The Good News….
Coach Urban Meyer isn’t going anywhere….
The Bad News…
Notre Dame is stuck with Coach Weis….
Sorry Charlie….

WASHINGTON: The Huskies are quietly loading up….
Remember you heard it here first….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME: On Saturday the College Football Hall of Fame will induct a number of notable names from college football.
Certainly all are worthy….
But I am very pleased that the committee finally got off their collective butts and elected Lou Holtz and the Great Billy Cannon of LSU into the Hall of Fame.

Congratulations….

It’s about damn time….

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously……
You folks aren’t on probation yet?

Do I need to show you a copy of the “lease” between the sports agent and Reggie’s Momma?

I will be glad too….
I am here to help….

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mike now that your website is increasing in popularity, do you feel like all the publicity has changed you?
Melanie – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Well, in an effort to keep up with current culture I am considering changing one of my kid’s names to an inanimate object, like “toaster”.
And although I don’t make enough money to do something ”eccentric” like trying to buy the elephant man’s bones, I can report my Labrador retriever dug up a dead squirrel in the back yard.

Q: Mike I heard NCAA President Myles Brand is gravely ill, is that true?
Ben – Middleton, Kentucky

A: That was incorrectly reported Ben…
Actually he isn’t ill….

This past week a wooden steak narrowly missed Myles Brand’s heart and the entire staff of the NCAA went back to their coffins until the next full moon reaches its zenith, which of course means another NCAA investigation into a southern school.
Better luck next time Buffy….

Q: Dude, do you think this is the year USC will go undefeated in the PAC 10 and win the National Championship?
Jelly – Santa Clarita, California

A: USC isn’t in the PAC 10 dumbass…..
That is the University of South Carolina …
and in case you were wondering…
USC was an established university when Mexicans ran California….
Nice to know some things haven’t changed…

And by the way….
What kind of damn name is “Jelly”?

Q: OMG! You know Matthew McConaughey? Like for real?
You said he was your friend! Like OMG!
Can you please, please get me his autograph?
I LOVE him!
Please!
Tammy – New Orleans, Louisiana

A: Matthew warned me this would happen….

Q: Why are you making us wait?
Tell us who won the “new” Tennessee Dog Mascot Contest!
Come on and Tell Us!
Brad – Germantown, Tennessee

A: Sorry Brad, entries are still arriving weekly….
But the “Winner” of the “new” Tennessee Dog mascot Contest will be announced in the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza…coming soon…

Q: Mike you strike me as a philosophical man….
So I have to ask you…
Is the Hokey Pokey what it is really all about?
Thanks….
Ryan – Washington, D.C.

A: Well Ryan, it all depends on what your definition of “Hokey Pokey” is…
However, I will tell you….
Be careful using that term if you are traveling in or around the San Francisco area…
It takes on a whole different meaning there…
And as an added safety tip….
If you drop your wallet in that city, I would suggest you kick it to Reno Nevada before you pick it up…

Q: Mike I really enjoy your articles on college mascots.
But it occurred to me that my Indiana University doesn’t have a “Hoosier” mascot.
What gives? Shouldn’t they have a mascot to represent the Hoosiers?
Thanks!
Roy – Fort Wayne, Indiana

A: Actually Roy….
Indiana “had” a Hoosier mascot until a few years ago….
Despite looking like the progeny of “Brutus” the Buckeye and “Lil Red” of Nebraska,
Like many mascots “Hansel” the Hoosier came into this world all cute and cuddly.

But unfortunately “Hansel” the Hoosier was arrested for breaking into Dugan’s Garage and huffing gasoline.
He is currently in Rehab and the University hopes he will be released in 2010.

Enclosed is Hansel’s picture captured by a surveillance camera in Dugan’s Garage.

It’s sad really….

Q: Sir I am confused….
Is the University of New Mexico known as the “Lobo’s” or the “Hobo’s”?
Thanks!
Ronnie – Carlsbad, New Mexico

A: Glad you asked Ronnie…..
The proper name and pronunciation of the mascot of the University of New Mexico is “Ho-Bo’s”, hope that has cleared up any misunderstand.

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to say that there is a certain coach in a certain state that borders Georgia and North Carolina that really got a bum deal last year after getting beat by Wake, Alabama, and Maryland and others.
I mean, c’mon, this team got whipped by that devil Saban. Everybody knows he’s a lyin’ dog. He shouldn’t even be at Alabama after he said he wasn’t going there!! If he wouldn’t have been there, well, the school in question probably wouldn’t have got beat. And then Wake Forest!! Heck, they’re a ACC powerhouse. C’mon, that’s powerhouse with a capital ‘P’. And Maryland. Heck Ralph “the Fridge” Fridgeon is an offensive genius. He made the unnamed school’s defensive coach’s pull their hair out!
Maryland is just good like that.
Well, I just wanted to get that off my chest. This coach feels really, really bad about all that. He’s livin’ down on the beach in Florida now, mopin’ around, and wishing that all those alumni that gave him all that money to leave the unnamed school would have just kept their mouths shut. By the way, he’s looking for a school in the PAC 10 to coach at so he doesn’t have to win those dang National Championships. Those guys just want to make sure the participation rules are followed so that all their boys playing football still have high self esteem.
Sincerely,
Bommy Towden

A: Stop writing me Tommy…
Or I will get a restraining order…

Only 48 days until Kickoff….
Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out soon…
Enjoy your weekend….

And as a side note…
Be careful Hank and get home safe and sound…

RTR
MEB

Way before criminal elements flashed hand signs to identify their affiliations….

The members of the Southwest Conference had established identifying hand signs for their respective teams and most if not all the fans of the universities have kept the tradition alive.

Clearly this practice of indentifying one another with hand signs is not unique to the members of the former Southwest Conference, but they did perfect the practice.

After all……
Who hasn’t seen the thumbs up “Gig Em Aggies!” sign..
Displayed on television by thousands of adoring Texas A&M fans at Kyle Field?

I know the fine people in Lubbock….
Still “Get their Guns Up!” for the Mighty Red Raiders of Texas Tech….

And everyone from Memphis to Moscow….
Knows the sign for the University of Texas…
“Hook Em’ Horns”…..

Young and old…..
It’s a way of identifying each other….

But there is a “right way” and a “wrong way”..
To perform this right of passage as a devoted fan…..

As you might imagine..
Different hand signs mean different things…

Case in point…

My buddy Matthew McConaughey of Austin Texas…
Demonstrates the correct form in flashing a proper “Hook Em’ Horns” sign….

While Ed “Apple Butter” Simpson of Texarkana, Arkansas….
Does not….
Not really quite sure what Ed is trying to do here…
It looks like he is describing seeing my sister-in-laws “calcium deposits”….

Conversely…..
The University of Oklahoma Sooners and the Texas A&M Aggies…
Will perform the “Down Horns” sign to signify their inherent dislike for the University of Texas…..

The young children who are raised to be fans of the respective schools learn what each hand sign means before they can even speak……

But as I mentioned earlier….
The old teams of the Southwest Conference didn’t invent the University sign, they just perfected it.

The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University….
And the Baylor Bears and the Houston Cougars all had hand signs to represent their universities.

Certainly there are others of note around the college football world….

Who hasn’t seen the Gator Chomp….
or The Seminole Tomahawk Chop….

But let us not forget perhaps the most famous of all college football hand signs….

The University of Tennessee…
“Were Number 1” sign….

It is performed quite differently than what you might expect…
It requires “more elbow….”

More College Football Next week….
So stay tuned…
Only 55 days until kickoff…..

RTR
MEB