“To Be the Man, you have to beat the Man”

Saturday night in Atlanta at the Georgia Dome….
The Southeastern Conference Championship game….

The Alabama Crimson Tide didn’t just beat the man….
They took him behind the woodshed and wore his ass out.

Many of you were kind enough to email me asking my thoughts about this game

Here they are….
In no particular order

EDITORS NOTE: Please forgive me, it’s been a while

Some experts said before the game “if” Alabama could keep the contest close
The Tide “might” have a shot at playing the Mighty Florida Gators (again) in the National Championship game.

Some even claimed this game was going to be a “Classic”
I guess it was if you spell “classic” B-L-O-W O-U-T

But to be honest I felt good about this game
My confidence was not misplaced
Before the game a calm Alabama Quarterback, Greg McElroy
addressed his offence with this simple sentence, spoken in a calm, but excited voice
“Let’s go win a championship boys”

Then I saw the Alabama defensive player with eye black similar to Tim Tebow’s
It had a Bible verse on it too…
Ezekiel under one eye and 20:29 under the other eye
This Bible verse reads……
“Then I said unto them, what is the high place whereunto you go? And the name thereof is called Ba’mah unto this day”

No jumping around…
No screaming or flexing muscles and cockiness

Just Business from the boys in Crimson

The Alabama Crimson Tide limited the Florida Gators to “13” points for the entire game, Believe that?
While Rolling up almost 500 yards of total offense against the “Number One” defense in College Football.

Something else we all learned in this game….
Superman doesn’t wear “Number 15” as the Gator Nation would want you to believe

He has a “2” in his equation
Like say…
“12”
“22”
“25”
“28”
“62”

I don’t know if Mark Ingram will win the Heisman Trophy from this game

But I can tell you who won’t….

But the Florida Gators should have known at Half-Time this wasn’t going to end well.

In the Dr. Pepper Challenge for a Hundred Thousand Dollar College Scholarship…..
Two people were selected to throw ten footballs into an oversized Dr. Pepper Can from ten yards away.

There was a young man from Florida out on the field doing the “Gator Chomp” and saying…..
he was going “Ten for Ten” and then while doing the Gator Chomp felt obligated to yell, “Go Gators!”

The other young person was a young lady from Alabama….
that according to her “just learned to throw a football” and she said
“her high school football coach taught her how to throw it”

The competition started…..
And the little girl from Alabama that just learned how to throw a football beat the boy doing the gator chomp.

It was a sign of things to come

In the second half the Crimson Tide made Urban sweat and Timmy cry…

No moral victories, no fourth quarter comebacks
No matter how many times CBS Sports….
Showed replays of last years SEC Championship game

This was the Alabama Crimson Tide’s night

They simply dominated the Gators in every phase of the game…..
and now the Crimson Tide are the Southeastern Conference Champions
and will have the opportunity to play for the National Championship

I know this article will upset the commentators and sideline reporters from CBS Sports….
who have carried on a Love Fest with Urban Myer and Tim Tebow all year.

But I suspect they are still on the “suicide hotline” and won’t have time to read it.

Forgive me, I’m still excited

I will have more later on in the week…….
Including emails and other news about this game and the other games from last week.

But for now, I am still celebrating…

ROLL TIDE ROLL

MEB

Despite the emotional roller coaster the majority of us experienced during Thanksgiving

And I am not referencing Aunt Edna’s bathroom “issues” either…
That’s a totally separate issue…

No I am talking about our beloved college football rivalries
And we aren’t finished yet….
This week we have the “Civil War”
And……..
The Conference Championship Games

But before we get to these and other games….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 31 and 14 or 69% during the rough and tumble rivalry week
and that leaves me at 564 and 161 for the season holding steady at 78%.

Not too bad considering it was “Rivalry Week”

Enjoy your games!

Thursday December 3rd

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called the “Civil War” for a reason….
But make no mistake, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry…
I won’t belabor the point here, but last year the Quackers upset the Beavers..
This year the beavers return the “Favor”
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-28

Friday December 4th

Ohio at Central Michigan
I know Coach Frank’s Bobcat’s have been tough as of late….
But there is something they way Coach Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s that makes me believe
It might be the way he spits on Mark May when he says it, never mind..
I’m a believer
CHIPPEWA’S 34-28

Saturday December 5th

Cincinnati at Pittsburg
Who would have believed this headline back in August?
The BearKats go undefeated….
Believe it….
BEARKATS 31-17

West Virginia at Rutgers
The only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if my Italian American friends “get involved”
They told me that wouldn’t…
So, Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Fresno State at Illinois
I know it’s not October, so a Fighting Pumpkin reference seems out of place
Unless you like pumpkin pie, which I do…
So the reference is still good
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

New Mexico State at Boise State
Remember when I picked the Bronco’s to go undefeated at the beginning of the season?
Yeah, I was right (Please hold your applause until the end of the picks)
BRONCO’S 44-17

Arizona at Southern California
I heard a really good joke the other day, you want to hear it?
What’s the difference between Coach Pete and a whiny sniveling self absorbed jackass?
None….That’s funny as hell isn’t it?
WILDCATS 28-21

California at Washington
This game will be a lot like the Southeastern Conference Championship game.
Minus the fans, the marquee players, the shot at the National Championship and the television viewership, but other than that it’s exactly the same.
HUSKIES 28-24

South Florida at Connecticut
The boys from Tampa Town have been beaten up as of late
and this game will be no exception and that’s no bull
HUSKIES 28-17

Carson Newman at Grand Valley State
Coach Spark’s Eagles beat my Lions in Florence last Saturday.
Avenging their loss to them earlier in the year and advancing in the Division II playoffs
The best ground game in Division II college football rolls this Saturday
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Wisconsin at Hawaii
I wonder if Dog the Bounty Hunter likes Cheese?
Behold the Power of Cheese….
BADGERS 34-21

Atlantic Coast Conference Championship
Clemson and Georgia Tech
Both teams lost their rivalry games with their instate Southeastern Conference opponents
But that doesn’t mean this game is any less important..
This is the second game of the season between these two teams…
The first game was a wild one…
This one won’t be any different
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Big 12 Championship
Nebraska and Texas
The Children of the Corn will keep this one close with the Black Shirts working overtime
But the Longhorns are headed to the National Championship game
Believe it…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Southeastern Conference Championship
Alabama and Florida
A Clash for the ages….
My Friends there are no “losers” here
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

There is more to come with Hootie Snitch and next weeks picks…
So Stay tuned…

Have Great weekend…

RTR
MEB

Not that we aren’t thankful, nothing could be further from the truth….

This isn’t about being “Thankful”….
It’s about your “Rival”….
It’s about bragging rights
This is “Us” verses “Them”

It’s the “Lone Star Showdown”
The “Backyard Brawl”
The Border War
The Battle for the Palmetto State
The Battle of the Beehive and Golden Boot
The Egg Bowl
Bedlam and its coveted Bell
It’s about the Commonwealth, Apple and Governor’s Cups
It is about Clean Old Fashioned Hate….
It is The Iron Bowl

These clashes will be told and retold for generations
And the Legends of the fall that come from such games live forever.

Let’s take a look at a few of the games we have in store this week…..

THE LONE STAR SHOWDOWN

Texas Longhorns – Texas A&M Aggies

The Name alone says it all….
It’s “Gig Em Aggies!” verses “Hook Em Horns!”
These two fine University’s students, fans and alumni hate each other with a passion.

Case in point, a few years ago Texas A&M produced their fall catalog of classes and otherwise promoting the university
and all it’s fine accomplishments as well as to encourage prospective students to attend the university in College Station Texas.
On the cover of the fall catalog was a collage of pictures of campus life at Texas A&M, from students studying outside, walking to class, football games at Kyle Field, two students with goggles studying in the chemistry lab, but one picture on the cover was “different”.
In one picture a young lady in the Aggie Marching Band was playing the flute.
She had her hands in such a way while playing a particular note on the instrument
that it appeared she was making the “Hook Em Horns” sign.

Please see the example of the proper “Hook Em Horns” sign below delivered by my buddy Matthew McConaughey.

This incensed the Aggie Alumni and they demanded the Catalogs, which had already been distributed by the way,
be recalled and a “new” edition reprinted without the accursed picture on it.

Cost to print and distribute Fall Catalogs: 1.3 Million Dollars
Coast to recall the catalogs, reprint and redistribute Fall Catalogs: 5.6 Million Dollars
The enjoyment Longhorn Fans had from this fiasco: Priceless

Enjoy the short video that has nothing to do with the above story,
but is further evidence of the hate and discontent the Aggies have……
for the Mighty Longhorns from the University of Texas at Austin.

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BORDER WAR

Missouri Tigers – Kansas Jayhawks

These two states have hated each other since Bill Quantrill burned Lawrence Kansas to the ground…
and even before that, there were hard feelings and hate.

The feelings are mutual and have festered over the years.

I know a number of Missourians who will correct me when I ask them…
“Isn’t Kansas the Sunflower State?”
They will politely tell me there are “Three kinds of Sun’s in Kansas”
Sunshine
Sunflowers
And
Sons of…you can figure out the rest of that on your own.

THE BACKYARD BRAWL

Pittsburg Panthers – West Virginia Mountaineers

This rivalry isn’t as intense as it once was….
But it is still filled with disgruntled fans from what was once “Steel Town” all the way
to the beautiful mountains of West “By God” Virginia.

Not only is this a rivalry for the ages in this particular part of the country, but as a side note,
You have to respect anybody like the Mountaineer faithful
who are willing to burn their “own” couch in their front yard after a win over a hated foe.

THE EGG BOWL

Mississippi State Bulldogs – Ole Miss Rebels

If you are looking for hate, passion and discontent that has no expiration date then look no further than the “Egg Bowl”.

In the Great State of Mississippi with poultry the current king of agriculture….
the Egg Bowl takes center stage this weekend and the rivalry has never been more intense, if that’s possible.

There will be harsh words, fights and more fights…….
and that’s just in the parking lot before the game. Make no mistake, this game is intense and emotions are raw.

BATTLE FOR THE GOLDEN BOOT

LSU Tigers – Arkansas Razorbacks

These two states, schools, fans, and alumni hate each other, period.
They have been playing for the four foot “Golden Boot” Trophy since 1901
But trophy or no trophy, they just hate each other.
Case in point, two years ago when the LSU Tigers won the 2007 National Championship……
there was a popular bumper sticker seen throughout Arkansas that I thoroughly enjoyed.
It read…..

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS 50
National Champion LSU Tigers 48

Priceless……

THE APPLE CUP

Washington Huskies – Washington State Cougars

I know this is “Big” deal in the State of Washington….
But let me clue you all on in a little secret…..
If your rivalry game has either a fruit or flower in the name
Then it’s not that big a deal outside your own state…
Sorry..

SUNSHINE STATE SHOWDOWN FOR THE GOVERNORS CUP

Florida Gators – Florida State Seminoles

I know, I know….
This is a relatively new rivalry as rivalries go; it began in 1958, when Coach Bobby was only 61 years “young”.
But this game is no less intense than older more established rivalries.
The Gator Nation hates the Seminole Nation and all they stand for and vice versa.

There have been some of the finest college football players to ever lace the cleats to play in this rivalry.
But I think this game can be summed up best by Coach Bobby himself when he said recently….
“You know when Ponce de Leon showed me the fountain of youth he told me watch out for Gators.”

How true, how true….

THE COMMONWEALTH CUP

Virginia Tech Hokies – Virginia Cavaliers

This fierce rivalry in the Old Dominion would mean more to me……
If I could remember the last time the Cavaliers won, but I can’t.

So it doesn’t it.

THE BEDLAM GAME

Oklahoma Sooners – Oklahoma State Cowboys

These two teams were playing each other before Oklahoma was even a state.
It’s Stillwater and the Cowboys verses the mighty Sooners of Norman.
They despise each other with a passion that can only instate rivals can appreciate.
They have accused each other of various dirty tricks over the years……..
From giving tainted food with laxatives to Sooner players to slow them down..(I’m serious….)
To wetting the field to slow down the likes of Barry Sanders….(I’m really serious…)
Throw the records out the window in this one; it’s always a battle for the ages.

CLEAN OLD FASHIONED HATE

Georgia Bulldogs – Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

There are few games that garner more hard feelings than this game between these two bitter instate rivals…..
hence the name of the game, in case you missed it.
The fans of the respective schools can’t agree on anything and disagree about everything.
They can’t even agree on how many times they have played the series.
But suffice to say this war has been going on since 1893, that’s right I said 1893.

This rivalry can best be summed up by the beloved Southern writer and University of Georgia Graduate Lewis Grizzard…
When reporting for the Atlanta Journal Constitution; Lewis left his entire column empty……
The day after the Yellow Jackets defeated his Bulldogs. One whole section in the Paper, blank.

The hard feelings in this one last forever…

BATTLE OF THE PALMETTO STATE

Clemson Tigers – South Carolina Gamecocks

You want a long standing rivalry?
This one has been going off and on since the 1880’s….
But the game itself is the longest standing uninterrupted series in the South.

There have been brawls, fights and riots since this series began
and it’s no less intense now with Coach Steve at the helm of the Gamecocks and Coach Sweeny with the Tigers.

This is one of those rivalries that transcend time and space.
No matter where you go in the world if you are a Gamecock or a Tiger
you carry this feeling with you going into this week, that cannot be defined or described.
It’s about beating “Them”, and being able to enjoy that win for the next year.

That my friends; is what a rivalry is all about.

THE IRON BOWL

Alabama Crimson Tide – Auburn Tigers

In the immortal words of Keith Jackson the voice of college football now and forever.

“There are rivalries and there are rivalries and then there is Alabama and Auburn”

This kind of Hate deserves its own section; The Iron Bowl edition will be out tomorrow.

So Stay tuned…
There is more hate and discontent to come..
Your Thanksgiving Edition of the Picks will be out soon….

RTR
MEB

I am right here at my restaurant HOOT-R’s!
Located in a previously owned double wide trailer…
right off of Leadmine Road just outside of Baneberry Tennessee
Look for the lighted sign and come on in for the Biggest and Best
Tennessee Volunteer Victory party in the universe!

In case you is a living under a rock
This is the week of the Tennessee – Florida game.
And I am fixing to tell you Seven Big Old Reasons “Why”
The Tennessee Volunteers are going to whip them gators ass on Saturday.
Come on in and Let me break it down for you

ONE – The Volunteers orange color is more orange than them gators orange.
Their’s ain’t even real orange color best I can tell.
Now that we talking about it, what’s with them gators having blue with orange?
That don’t even match good.

TWO – Them gators got one, count it “One” mascot.
A damn old gator…..Big damn deal.
We Volunteers got a whole passel of mascots!
We got a student dressed up like a mountain man and he even has a rifle.
That is cool as hell!
We got us a real dog, that is some kind of blue tick hound
Which is awesome!
We got ourselves two students
That dress up like a female and a male dog in them foam rubber costumes.
Which is double-awesome!
Then we got us this ole boy in a foam rubber costume that looks like a orange!
“GO Big Orange!” Get it?

THREE – I don’t have a damn clue to what them gators fight song is about or what they doing with their arms a chomping.
But the Volunteers got us a “real” fight song!
It talks about laying around and drinking moonshine liquor and not paying no bills!
Now tell me that don’t sound like the life of Riley!

FOUR– Our quarterback is better than that damn old Tim Tebow.
Our Boy just ain’t won no awards cause he’s humble like that..
And wants the publicity on the team and not himself.

FIVE – Our Football Coach Lane Kiffin coached in the N-F-L, Ever heard of it?
In case you didn’t know that is PRO-FESSIONAL Football!
What has that Urban Myer done?
He Coached in some Pee-Wee league, big damn deal.
Also, I know for a damn fact
That Urban Myer wishes every single night he was coaching in Knoxville.
How do I know?
He come from Utah right?
When you send a picture postcard out that way what do you have to put down for the state? “UT”, I believe I done made my point.

SIX- We got us the best players in the damn country!
That’s why there ain’t nobody from Tennessee on the team!
Cause everybody from allover the country that is any good at football is coming to the Volunteeers!
What do them gators got? Some players from Florida, bigggggg deal.

SEVEN – Them gator fans ain’t sophisticated like we Vol fans is.
The closest them gator fans got to “culture” is when they walked by the yogart isle in Piggly Wiggly.
Thought that funny up by myself!

Now for Ole Hootie’s Predection:

VOLS 55
Gators 10

If you was a wondering why I didn’t pick the game as a shut out
It’s cause we got to play our scrubs sometime and them gators are lible to score on them once or twice

And don’t forget…
If you is in the neighborhood come on down to HOOT-R’s!
Enjoy the game with me and all the Volunterer Fans!
I got Possum Hot Wings and BBQ Muskrat Nuggets for everybody!
And as always something cold to wash it down with!
I will be dressed and ready? Will you?

GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

It’s time to catch up on some long awaited emails from you…
The Loyal reader and College Football Fan…

Before you read any further, I must confess…
I had no idea last week’s article would have generated such a diverse response…

More College Football News Later….
There will be news that will stun and amaze you…
I promise….

Enjoy!

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mike I read that former Auburn Coach Pat Dye’s pants (complete with wallet) washed up at Lake Guntersville in Alabama; do you know anything about what happened?
Hank -Rome, Georgia

A: Pat Dye without his pants?
Well, that would explain why he has been on the radio and not television.

Q: Mike, How could you tell Phil Fulmer apart from the other jackasses at Mule Day?
Dennis – Cottondale, Alabama

A: He was the one wearing the hat….

Q: Dude, we need you to settle a bet for us!
Was Marshall University named after “The Marshall Tucker Band”?
Thanks Man!
Tony – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: No Tony, it wasn’t…
But it should have been…

Q: Mike do you have any thoughts on Post- March Madness?
Charles – Lexington, Kentucky

A: Are you referring to Spring Football Practice?

The complete Spring Football Round-up Issue….
is another couple of weeks away from print.
But thank you for asking….

EDITORS NOTE: I am well aware what the question was referring too.
However….
If my beloved University has a basketball team I am blissfully unaware.

Q: Mike, last Season you correctly predected (until you had to leave us!)
91% of ALL the games played by Texas teams!
How did you do it?
You are Awesome!
Sandy – Arlington, Texas

A: It’s simple Sandy….
My Heroes have always been Cowboys…

Q: I read that Phil Fulmer was the Grand Marshall at the Mule Day celebration….
But you never said how many people it took….
To hold the ropes as he floated down the street?
Terri – Tuscaloosa, Alabama

A: Good One Terri….

Q: Now that you have revisted the international community and have achieved a certain sense of enlightenment will you take a more favorable view of southern California?
Solaria – Pasadena, California

A: It is because I have acheived a higher sense of enlightenment….
That I can say this…
southern California still sucks….

Q: Mike, I heard something about the University of Tennessee coaches luring recruits…
to the Volunteers by doing something called “Topless Recruiting”.
What the heck is that?
George – Gulfport, Mississippi

A: This term refers to the Tennessee assistant coaches coming out of the tunnel at the stadium….
and tearing their shirts off in front of the potential recruits.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s nice to know the Universty of Tennessee has cornered the market…
On young male athletes that enjoy looking at partly clad grown men..
There is no confirmation however…
That the potential Tennessee recruits also recieved…
a Kenny Chesney CD and a subscription to Men’s Health…

Q: Mike we will be visiting the state of Alabama this summer.
Is there anything that is a “must” see….
That we should include on our tour through your fair state?
The Driver Family – Chicago, Illinos

A: If it were me?
I never miss a chance to stop by the Fireworks Superstore…
Also Known as the Alabama – Tennessee Fireworks Superstore…
Located on the Alabama, Tennessee border.
It has everything you would ever need…
Gas, Fireworks, and Cold Beer…
This is just a party waiting to happen.
I am convinced if Alabama could get Mississippi, Georgia and Florida to join the “Fireworks Superstore” coalition we could shoot down satellites and end the war on terror.

Q: Mike, I heard that Phil Fulmer took his son “from another relationship” to Mule Days.
Do you have any information on the story?
Jimmy – Platte City, Missouri

A: Jimmy, a picture is worth a thousand words….
Enjoy

RTR
MEB

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is Back!

Before we catch up on lost times…..
I want to thank you all for your kind words in response to my article about Charlie.

I cannot begin to tell you how good it was to see him when I returned.
Simply put: Charlie is “The Man”.

I also want to thank you for your emails and all the prayers while I was deployed.

I greatly appreciate it and will never forget your kindness.

We have a lot to catch up on my friends, so let’s get started.
In case you were wondering, I missed you all too.

Enjoy your update!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS (REWIND)

 At my age it’s comforting to know that some things don’t change…..
For example…
Coach Rod’s wife still looks like a ten dollar hooker and Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music (Minus the classic music and talent). But there will always be those events that shock and amaze you and not always in a good way.
So, forgive me as we look back at the 2008 college football season and then catch up on a few email questions and answers. 

THE GOOD

FLORIDA: As the Mighty Gator Nation “may” recall….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator picked you to win the BCS Championship back on August 9^th.

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, it’s what I do.

ALABAMA: An undefeated regular season….I didn’t see that one coming.

EDITORS NOTE: But I enjoyed it (immensely) from afar.

NEBRASKA: I told you Coach Bo would bring the Huskers back….
Congratulations on a winning season and bowl victory.

EDITORS NOTE: There are a lot more wins to come, believe me Husker Fans.

PENN STATE: Congratulations on the Big Eleven…I mean Ten Championship.

EDITORS NOTE: Glad you are feeling better Joe, we missed you on the sidelines.

CLEMSON: As I recall, the last time the Tigers had a former Alabama player as a Coach you won the National Championship.

Congratulations on a great choice.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes will be stronger this year than ever. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, before you ask; that also means another win over Michigan.

FLORIDA STATE: GREAT NEWS! Coach Bobby has agreed to be cryogenically frozen and coach from the comfort of his liquid nitrogen encased stainless steel container through the year 2120!

 GEORGIA: How Bout them DAWGS!

THE BAD

UTAH: When I am wrong, I admit it.

I picked the Ute’s last year in the “Pre Season Extravaganza” as…

“Pretenders”….

I couldn’t have been more wrong……

EDITORS NOTE: I know what a “Ute” is now.
It’s something that ruined my Sugar fix on 2 January 2009.

TEXAS: Great season and a tremendous Bowl win….
But let me put this gently….

Between the Heisman Ceremony and the BCS Committee..
You all must feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”

 The Longhorns should have been playing the Mighty Gators….

OREGON STATE: Damn It

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I hate Coach Croom left…I really do.

MICHIGAN: You had a chance to get Les Miles, but you all wouldn’t listen to me.
The Wolverines misery won’t end with 2008…Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet you all thought I was going to say something about Coach Rod’s wife, didn’t you.

 That will come later in the week….

TEXAS A&M: I still have R.C. Slocum’s cell phone number; you want it?

OKLAHOMA: Losing two games in a season would warrant raises and parades in most places.
But Norman Oklahoma isn’t “most” places.
The Sooner’s better crank it up a notch or two…

The natives are getting restless….

THE UGLY

NCAA: SOOOoooooooooooooooo

You have the time and resources to investigate everybody from the University of New Mexico to Florida State, but you can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s address?

 So just tell us this….

Who have you sold out to?
Was it the ABC network and ESPN?

That 350 Million dollar contract to broadcast PAC 10 football games lined your pockets nicely…..

Was it Adidas?
They really know how to reward an organization for keeping their “Star” endorsement out of trouble.

Or is it that the NCAA is just that corrupt and blind in its favoritism?

Enquiring minds want to know….

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record, “No”, I will not give this up until I take my last dying breath.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?

TENNESSEE: So Fat Phil renegotiated his contract with a “healthy” buy out clause months before he gets canned….How convenient.

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank the administration and the athletic department at the University of Tennessee…
For hiring a new football coach that is easy to make fun of.

NOTRE DAME: On the subject of “healthy” contract buyouts…
Unless the Irish purchase Fort Knox they won’t get Uncle Charlie out of South Bend anytime soon.

 AUBURN: So “Ears” Tubberville took flight and took his high finger salute with him.

 Don’t let the door knob hit you on the back of the head on the way out the door…

 EDITORS NOTE: No wait, that joke was intended for Terry Bowden…
Never mind, it’s still funny.

PAC 10 Conference: Is “Choke” the Official Drink of your Conference?
Just wondering…….

 BCS Committee: As a Safety Tip: You all may not want to vacation in Texas anytime in the foreseeable future.

EMAIL Q&A

 Q: Mike “Welcome back Dude!” Hey I have to ask….
Did you see anything crazy during Mardi Gras when you were in the Middle East? Thanks and Welcome Back!
Trey – Baton Rouge, Louisiana

 A: Thanks Trey; and I know what you really want to know.
Mardi Gras in the Middle East has plenty of T & A……Toes and Ankles.

 Q: Mike, my family and I LOVE the television game show “Jeopardy”!
We watch it religiously!
My question is: Why isn’t there a program on television for college football with the format of Jeopardy?
I think it would be AWESOME!
What do you think?
The Kowalski Family – Madison, Wisconsin

 A: My powers of Prognostication do not extend to programs such as Jeopardy.
Case in point…..
I remember the last time I saw “Jeopardy”.
Alex said:”A Rhino, a Unicorn and Chuck Mangione.”

I would have said….”Three things I don’t want drunk and loose in my house”
See what I mean?

Q: I read something about a Tennessee football player suing a large food manufacture?
Do you have any information on that and by the way welcome home.
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Thanks Stan, I appreciate it.
It’s true; a “number” of Tennessee football players are involved in a “class” action lawsuit against Banquet Food Corporation for “False Advertisement”.

It seems their complaint is specifically against the “Banquet Pot Pie”.
The Tennessee football players cited…
 “They were hard to light and didn’t give us the buzz we were expecting”.

Q: Mike we are all really excited here in Minnesota about the upcoming 2009 College Football Season! Go Gophers!
The students here are trying to come up with a new catch phrase to get people excited about our state and Golden Gopher football in 2009!
Do you have any ideas that may help us out?
Thanks!
Tiffany – Saint Paul, Minnesota

A: How does this grab you….
“Ever Vigilant Minnesota: Keeping Canada at bay since 1873”

Q: Mike I have a simple question.
Why the hell didn’t Colt McCoy win the Heisman trophy last year?
Troy – Bangs, Texas 

A: Good question Troy and I have a simple answer for you.
The Heisman Trophy ceremony is televised by ESPN, which is owned by ABC.
ABC televised the BCS Championship last year.
How did they start promoting the game before the Heisman Trophy was awarded?

The first game between “two” Heisman Trophy winners….
See where this is going? Glad I could help.

Q: Mike where has Hootie Snitch been since you have been deployed?
We were looking forward (in a weird kind of way) to his updates in your absence.
Was he deployed on the Global War on Terror Too?
Dave – Little Creek, Virginia

A: I guess you could say Hootie was “technically” deployed.
By “deployed” I mean ordered to the county work farm after he was convicted of stalking the select committee at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.

If nothing else he is determined to get his mamma on the ballot for the 2009 inductees.
Hootie will be released back into the wild (appropriately) on April 1^st.

 If you get a chance, cast your ballot for Rowena Ratt Snitch at…..

 http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Tell them Phil Fulmer sent you…..

Q: Mike, I just have to ask…
Are you going to write a book about your adventures?
Thanks!
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi

A: Thank you for asking Holly.
I am in the process of writing a historical biography.

“It Sucks to be You” – The Genghis Khan Story

Q: Mike in all your world travels,…
Is there anything that you want to share with us that could broaden our horizons…
and possibly enrich our lives on planet earth?
Salantra – Pasadena, California

A: Note to self: Never put Chap Stick on in the men’s room of a bad ass biker bar.

 It sends the wrong message – that’s all I’m saying.

Q: Mike I have a question that has bothered me for some time.
Should we really be involved in the toppling of dictators and the crushing of evil empires?
James – Cave City, Kentucky

A: I believe if we want to fight tyranny….
and dispose of a dictator and an evil regime….
 We should start with Miles Brand and the NCAA in Indianapolis Indiana.

College Football News and Views will be out later in the week.

Have a GREAT Week….

 RTR

MEB

What a Weekend it was…..
And for me this picture says it all……

But it is time for me to leave you all for a while…..

Before I do let’s talk about yesterday….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 34 and 12 or 74% for Week 9…..

For my short season I finished at 341 and 98 or a rather respectable 78% overall…
Not too bad if I say so myself….

It has been a pleasure bringing you all the College Football Picks this year….
Thank you for reading and commenting….

I hope you got a kick out of them.

Before I take my leave……
I have written something else for you……

It’s about a good friend of mine….

Enjoy…..

RTR
MEB

I don’t know about you….
But I am still higher than a Georgia Pine over the Oregon State Beavers win last night!

I half expected to wake up this morning and read about mass suicides within the College Football National Media over the U$C Trojan loss…

You can’t blame a guy for dreaming, can you?

Before we launch into Saturday’s Games let’s talk about last week.

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was an uncharacteristic 30 and 14 or a rather disappointing 68%….

I will however say the Boise State Bronco fans don’t really care; because I nailed their win over the Oregon Quacks…

Before I give our overall numbers for the season I think it’s about time I say…..

HOW ABOUT THE OREGON STATE BEAVERS BEATING THAT TROJAN ASS!

Currently we are 172 and 36 or 83% for the year….

Which isn’t too bad considering….

OREGON STATE BEAVERS BEAT THE BEST TEAM MONEY CAN BUY!

This will not get old for me…any time soon.

Enjoy your Picks!

CLASS ACT OF THE WEEK

MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS: Senior Running Back Javon Ringer after rushing for 282 yards and scoring both touchdowns in the Spartans 17 to 0 win over Florida Atlantic told the post game media…

“I don’t know why you all are talking to me…Behind me is my offensive line. They did all the work and without them, I wouldn’t have gotten anything…”

Javon Ringer then proceded to introduce his offensive line one by one and then he politely excuse himself so the media and the offensive line could talk….

EDITORS NOTE: This young man is nothing BUT CLASS….Period.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Nobody in the PAC 10 can compete with U$C…..”

- Kirt Herbstreit – ESPN College Football Gameday

EDITORS NOTE: Isn’t Oregon State in the PAC 10?
Just wondering…..

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART II)

“We are only a quarter of the way through our season…so we have alot more football to play”

- Southern California Trojan Quarterback Mark Sanchez response to being asked by Kirt Herbstreit on how the Trojans are prepared to remain “The Number One Team in the Country”…

EDITORS NOTE: Let me see if I have this right…

When asked that question the Trojan$ had only played TWO..as in 2 games.

So a “Quarter” of the Games would be what?

So, either the Trojan$ only play EIGHT games or it is REALLY REALLY easy to get a Math and Accounting Degree from Southern California…

Dumbass…..

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART III)

“Me and my teammates, like we ain’t no quitters…
We bring it all day long…All day….you know…
Like you wait and see.”

- Tennessee Volunteer Defensive Back Eric Berry on being prepared for the Florida Gators…

BEFORE they were soundly thrashed 30 to 6 by the Mighty Florida Gators…

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if Mr. Berry is an English major?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART IV)

“We don’t have any leadership on this team…”

- Coach Phil Fulmer on the 2008 Tennessee Volunteer Football team

EDITORS NOTE: Can we assume that starts from the top?

THE GAMES

Saturday September 27th

Minnesota at Ohio State
This week an O’So Gloden Gopher means….
A Gopher that has been fried to a crispy golden brown…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-14

Maryland at Clemson
This game will be real close for two quarters….
Then it will be nothing but…
TOMMY’S TIGERS 31-17

Carson Newman at Newberry
If this game was against Mayberry I would feel different…
Because I could never go against Andy and Barney…
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-10

Michigan State at Indiana
Down go the Homers…..
Or Homer Down! (If you prefer)
Never mind….
SPARTANS 33-13

Virginia at Duke
Why? My Point exactly….
I can’t believe I did this either…
BLUE DEVILS 23-17

Pittsburg at Syracuse
This is the “Who Sucks Worse” Game …
It’s a toss up…
PANTHERS 13-10

Kent State at Ball State
Ahhhhhh……
All is right with the World when Kent State loses at ANYTHING….
CARDINALS 43-10

North Carolina at Miami
The Heels will keep it close….
But we are still in Hurricane Season….
HURRICANES 33-24

Northwestern at Iowa
What is with the “Eyes of the Hawk”?
(Which by the way sounds like a Sylvester Stallone Movie)

EYES of the HAWK 23-17
Coming to a theater near you…

Ole Miss at Florida
The Good news is that Morgan Freeman is recovering well from his automobile accident…
He is THE voice of the University of Mississippi…
Other than that Ole Miss is going to get their ass kicked…
MIGHTY GATORS 34-14

Army at Texas A&M
The Aggies finally found a team they can beat…
Congratulations…
GIG EM AGGIES 43-13

Rhode Island at Boston College
I cannot in good conscience pull for a team or a state that is living a lie…
Rhode Island is NOT an Island…
Liars…
EAGLES 38-10

Arkansas at Texas
An Old Fashioned Southwest Conference Fight….
President Nixon said the 1969 game between these two team was the game of the century..
This one will not be as powerful…
But it will be one hell of a game…
LONGHORNS 34-17

Wisconsin at Michigan
If you are a Wolverine Fan I would send the kids to Grandma’s house for the weekend…
This is going to be uglier than Coach Rod’s wife without any make-up…
BADGERS 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: Yes…It will be THAT ugly.

Tennessee at Auburn
Can you play that song for me?
You know the one…
Rocky Flop…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 27-14

Houston at East Carolina
The Cougars will keep this a lot closer that you might think…
PIRATES 27-24

Fresno State at UCLA
I wish I could watch this “instant classic” but, VH1 has a progam devoted to Singing Mexican Midgets in Sombreros…
You see my dilemmia..right?
BRUINS 6-3

Colorado at Florida State
Before you ask…
No my Sister-in-law will not be leading the Colorado Team onto the Field…
She gets car sick on long trips…
Trust me on this one…
BUFFALOS 33-28

Purdue at Notre Dame
Even after last weeks loss….
I still believe…for now
FIGHTING IRISH 31-28

Morgan State at Rutgers
I don’t even know who this Morgan guy is…
Forget about it….
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 44-10

Marshall at West Virginia
I REALLY want to pick the Thundering Herd in this one…
But I have to go with History…
Light those Couches…But not too much.
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21 

Cincinnati at Akron
Seriously….what the hell is a “Zip”?
You named your team after a “Zipper”?
What was your other choice?
“The Urinal Cakes”?
BEARKATS 28-17

Louisiana Lafayette at Kansas State
No disrespect to anything Rajun or Cajun…
This one is all…
WILDCATS 27-17

Navy at Wake Forest
Nothing says “Demon Deacon” quite like a Jimmy Swaggart “Praise-a-Thon”…..
Not that it really fits here…
I just thought it was funny…
DEMON DEACONS 28-17

North Texas at Rice
Between a Kitchen Cleanser and my favorite pudding?
No contest…
RICE PUDDING 31-28

Colorado State at California
This one will be a lot closer….
as in A LOT Closer than you might think….
DA BEARS 24-20

Oregon at Washington State
This is a GREAT time to remind EVERYBODY….
THE OREGON STATE BEAVERS BEAT the Univer$ity of the $econd Coming!
ANIMAL QUACKERS 43-10 

Texas Christian at Oklahoma
The Horned Frogs will keep this close for a half….
Then it will be time to crank up the Boomer Sooner…
BOOMER SOONER 34-17

Western Kentucky at Kentucky
You know….
I still miss Bill Keightley…. 
This one is for “Mr. Wildcat”…
WILDCATS 28-14

Central Arkansas at Tulsa
Even though I still think that Hurricane Ike was a jackass…
I have to go with…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-10

UAB at South Carolina
Why are the “United Arab Badminton-ers” playing the Gamecocks?

There is so much wrong with this I don’t know where to begin….
GAMECOCKS 24-10

Troy at Oklahoma State
You better keep your eye on Troy in this one…
COWBOYS 27-17 

Mississippi State at LSU
I wish I had better news for you Bulldog Jim…
FIGHTN TIGERS 38-10

South Florida at North Carolina State
You better believe it….
This is No Bull…
BULLS 27-23

Alabama at Georgia
This is THE Game of the Day….

My Dawg Faithful know that I love them…

I miss ole UGA…
and appreciate the new dawg…

I have never met a bad Georgia Bulldog fan…
Ever..

Sorry Lewis…

CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Illinois at Penn State
I asked Jo Pa once what he thought about Jim Thorpe…

Coach said “he was the best football player he ever saw…”

Enough said…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-24

EDITORS NOTE: You may not think the above comment fits…
But it does…
 

Weber State at Utah
I cannot believe the Grill Factory has a college….
Can You?
TWO UTES 44-10

Virginia Tech at Nebraska
Before you ask…
No, I didn’t studder….
HUSKERS 24-20

New Mexico at New Mexico State
The winner of this instate battle gets a really cool Cactus…
Which is nice… 
AGGIES 27-24

Stanford at Washington
I never thought I would see the day I picked the “tree” over the Mighty Huskies…
“CARDINAL” (Singular) 24-23

Nevada at UNLV
Will the Running Rebels remain undefeated?
Yes….they will
REBELS 33-31

Sunday, September 28th

San Jose Somebody at Hawaii
Who cares…
Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on A&E on Wednesday Nights!
WARRIORS Dancing with the Stars on RAINBOWS 38-17

Enjoy your Games!

RTR
MEB

If you are just joining us…..
This is the segment were we review the games from the past week and look at College Football team news and answer some of your Email Questions.

In other words, what did we learn from the games last weekend?

Let me tell you what I learned last week….
On a personal note: Since I am neither Joe Namath or Justin Wilson, I should have known better that to EVER guarantee ( Pronounced: Gar-on-Tee) anything, much less a Football Game.

So, for the Beautiful Miss Susan, who I guaranteed (Pronounced: Gar-on-Teed) that the South Carolina Gamecocks would beat the Vanderbilt Commodores….I am truly sorry.

Also I learned this weekend that the old Television Program “T.J. Hooker” is a police drama; not a story about prostitution.
Who Knew?

Well now that I have finished my evening meal of Crow….

Let’s take a look at this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback…

SATURDAY QUOTES

” I will say it now: The Georgia Bulldogs WILL be upset by Central Michigan today!”

- ABC College Football Studio “Host” John Saunders picking Central Michigan over Georgia before the Bulldogs defeated the Eagles 56 to 17.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s nice to know John is as good at picking games as he is at being “unbiased” towards the South….I almost forgot!
Hey John! HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

“Let’s face it, were playing a football team..But we’ve still got to feed them baby food. They’re not ready for steak yet.”

-Coach Bobby Bowden of Florida State describing how the Seminoles “need” to play one or two more “tune-ups” before they get into the “regular” season.

EDITORS NOTE: A MAJOR Division I Football Coach that gets paid MILLIONS of DOLLARS to COACH in the Atlantic Coast Conference and he wants MORE CUPCAKES on the schedule?
Now I see how he got “all” those wins….
Hey Coach Maybe Ole Gordon Junior College is still available!

WEEKLY FOOTBALL FACT

Did you know that the Vanderbilt Commodores have a better record than the following teams?

Michigan
Miami (Both Ohio and Florida)
Washington
Washington State
Mississippi
Texas A&M
Southern California
Notre Dame
Southern Miss
Michigan State
South Carolina
Mississippi State
Florida State
Tennessee
Louisville
Oregon State
Clemson
Virginia Tech
Virginia
West Virginia

Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

TEAM NEWS

NCAA: Yeah, “GREAT” move on the celebration penalties!
If you are SO Concerned about “Bad Sportsmanship” and Celebrations, then why don’t you have the SAME rules for College Basketball?

EDITORS NOTE: Why don’t you damn people look at something IMPORTANT?
Like the Reggie Bush, Southern California Trojan Investigation!
Shouldn’t SOMEBODY be on PROBATION by NOW?

WASHINGTON: I bet you all feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”.

FLORIDA: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

OHIO STATE: No need for panic…
The Mighty Buckeyes WILL be ready this week.

WEST POINT: Do you know why terrorist think they can kick our ass?
Because they watch you knuckleheads play football!

WEST VIRGINIA: There is some good news here…
There wasn’t a single fire reported in Morgantown on Saturday night…

EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on when Moutaineer Quarterback Pat White will question the East Carolina Pirates football program for the lack of participation by Pacific-Islanders, Scots-Irish, or Italian Americans.
Keep Hope Alive Pat…

EAST CAROLINA: The Pirates are either Giant Killers or Devil Worshipers…
You all don’t own any Old KISS Albums, do you?
Just wondering….

NAVY: Bad enough you have a Goat for a mascot, but can’t you find a quarterback with a last name that will fit on the back of a football jersey?
Have you all seen the current Navy Quarterback’s Name?
Q’UALLITERRIN-IMATINAREG-TTIMAOOPER-YEPPYZITTER-IEACCNOTTERRT

EDITORS NOTE: I think he is either Hawaiian or Polish…..

TEMPLE: The Owls were a field goal away from TWO wins in a row!
And you know what that means?
I am moving into that abandoned Missile Silo and wait out Armageddon..

ESPN: Is it too much to ask to see the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
Another halftime with Mark “Milk Dud Head” May and Coach Lou and my head will explode..

ESPN II: I would rather listen to Sea Lions breaking wind underwater for three hours than listen to Pam Ward “announce” another football game…ever.

HURRICANE IKE: I don’t know which “Tina” out there is making IKE mad, but you need to stop it!

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, what is with naming the Iowa football team the “Hawkeyes”?
Is naming a football team after an animal body part something new?
Jerry – Jefferson City, Missouri
A: This is nothing new Jerry.
For example, Tennessee decided to go with “Volunteers” because they felt “Possum Rectums” was to hard for the fans to spell…….
Also, the University didn’t want the fans producing “Cook Books” on how to prepare their mascot….
Which would be in bad taste…
No Pun Intended.

Q: I am really worried about the Buckeyes Offensive Line, do you have any ideas on how to shore up the line before this weeks game with the Trojans?
Thanks!
Tommy – Columbus, Ohio
A: I would suggest recruiting Wynonna Judd; she still has a couple of years of eligibility and she is bigger than a damn Oldsmobile…

Q: You are always talking about how great everything is in the South!!!!
Have you ever seen the Southern California Trojan Cheerleaders?
There isn’t anything to compare to them!
J.J. – Culver City, California
A: Yeah J.J….I remember when I hit puberty….
However….I KNOW for a FACT that the Goilden Girls from LSU and the Alabama Crimson Tide Cheerleaders have always had the power to cure the sick and raise the dead….
Enough said….

Q: Mike, as a High School Teacher in Southern California, I can tell you that your characterization of the Aztec’s last weekend was inaccurate and insulting.
The Aztec’s “may” have resorted to human sacrifice, but only after being driven to that despicable act by American Males who killed their Penguins, started the Vietnam War and began the terrible tradition of leaving toilet seats up all around the world.
Ms Davis – Marshall – Johnson – Diaz – Los Angeles, California
A: I think you forgot to mention how we enslaved the Panda’s, melted the Polar Ice caps and killed all the unicorns….

I understand Hootie Snitch, the Self Proclaimed “Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!” will have an update for you this week to address the recent Tennessee Loss and other news…

Your Week 3 College Football Picks will be out later in the week….

RTR
MEB

It’s time for the kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season and your favorite College Football Prognosticator has the answers to the questions you so desperately seek.

Will the Duke Blue Devils have more than a dozen fans at home football games this season?
ANSWER: No, they will not.

Is the theme from “Deliverance” the “official” Fight Song of the University of Tennessee?
ANSWER: Yes…..complete with a shoeless boy and his banjo.

Does Notre Dame have an “outside” shot at the National Championship this year?
ANSWER: They have the same chance of winning the National Championship as the boys from Menudo do of having a reunion tour.

Will some fans be in need of a liver transplant by the end of the season?
ANSWER: Yes, I just hope this year it’s not me….(again)

So, have no fear my friends.
I am here to guide you through the many cheers and tears of the 2008 College Football Season.

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday, August 28th

Northeastern at Ball State
Hey! David Letterman went to Ball State!
In case you were wondering…
That is still no reason to care about this game.
CARDINALS 33-14

Eastern Illinois at Central Michigan
I don’t care what anybody says, I still think “Chippewas” sounds like a fungal infection.
CHIPPEWAS 28-17

Indiana State at Eastern Michigan
Why did Indiana State name their team the “Sycamores”?
Is THAT particular tree suppose to frighten you more than another species of hardwood?
Never Mind…
EAGLES 38-10

Hofstra at Connecticut
I will never understand why a group of yankees decided to name their college after a butt rash.
HUSKIES 43-10

Southwest Missouri Baptist at Southeast Missouri State
My Ole Buddy E.J. Junior Coaches at Southwest and that’s good enough for me.
BEARCATS 33-28

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
I would watch this game but Midgets are Jousting on Pay-Per-View.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-13

Vanderbilt at Miami (Ohio)
Have you ever seen a Palm tree or Orange tree in Ohio?
They are such poseurs….
COMMODORES 24-17

Carson Newman at Concord
Concord as in the grape?
If the Eagles were playing “Boones Farm” I might feel different.
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Eastern Kentucky at Cincinnati
The Colonels will be reduced to Private First Class by the Third Quarter…
BEARKATS 34-13 

Charleston Southern at Miami
Why Charleston Southern you may ask?
Because the Clown College was already scheduled to play Florida State.
HURRICANES 41-6 

Wake Forest at Baylor
There is no truth to the rumor that Jimmy Swaggart will be the Demon Deacon mascot at home games this year. But it hasn’t stopped me from spreading it.
DEMON DEACONS 24-10

South Dakota State at Iowa State
The History of Waffles are on the Food Channel or I would watch this one.
CYCLONES 34-10

Oregon State at Stanford
I will not stoop to making off-color Beaver jokes this early in the season.
When there is always next week…
BEAVERS 24-16

North Carolina State at South Carolina
The Wolfpack have a new coach and a new look on offense…..
GAMECOCKS 27-23

Friday, August 29th

Temple at Army
This game will be like watching old people eat a cheap steak…
At first its funny and then it’s just sad…
BLACK KNIGHTS 3-2

Southern Methodist at Rice
My Once Proud Ponies are for real this year….Believe it.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Saturday, August 30th

Youngstown State at Ohio State
If you think what the folks in Canada do to baby seals is bad…
Then you don’t want to see what the Buckeyes have in store for a bunch of Penguins.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Akron at Wisconsin
What’s with naming a team “The Zips”?
Is that short for Zippers?
What does the announcer say? The Zippers are down in the first quarter…
That is just disgusting…
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 33-13

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
Doesn’t Lou Holtz’s son Coach at East Carolina?
That’s good enough for me…
HOKIES 89-0 

Coastal Carolina at Penn State
Interesting Fact: “Chanticleer” is Latin for, “A prostitute for a university or college athletic department. Willing to get the living hell beat out of you for a payday or paycheck for the university general fund.”
Coincidence? I think not…
JO PA’S LIONS 44-3

Bowling Green at Pittsburgh
I would LOVE to watch this game but the Muppets are re-enacting the Battle of New Orleans on PBS.
PANTHERS 27-17

Syracuse at Northwestern
I don’t care and neither should you.
WILDCATS 3-2

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, nobody cares.

Western Kentucky at Indiana
If this was a basketball game it might actually be worth watching.
It isn’t…….so don’t.
HOOSIERS 24-13

Maine at Iowa
Why? My point exactly…
HAWKEYES 34-10

Georgia Southern at Georgia
I have only four simple words to say about this game…
How Bout Them Dawgs!!!!!
BIG DAWGS 31-14

Hawaii at Florida
I think the Hawaii mascot looks like Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka….
On Meth…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Southern California at Virginia
IF only this game was last year…..It would have been different.
TROJAN$ 43-21

EDITORS NOTE: What ever happened to the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California? Just wondering….

Villianova at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-6

Utah at Michigan
Wolverine fans, I have some good news and some bad news.
The Bad news is that the Utah football team is better than you think..
The Other Bad news is that Coach Rod’s wife is going to “perform” at halftime…
Sorry, I really don’t have any good news…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Oklahoma State at Washington State
I like Coach Gundy. He can damn sure Cowboy up!
COWBOYS 24-20 

Towson at Navy
I have so many questions about this game…
What the hell is a “Towson”?
Why does Navy have a goat as a mascot?
Will William Shatner release an album of Donna Summer songs this year?
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Delaware at Maryland
What is the deal with calling your team the “Fighting Blue Hens”?
It didn’t scare Col. Sanders and it won’t scare the Ninja Turtles…
FIGHTING TERPS 28-23

Tulsa at UAB
I also don’t understand why the folks at University of Alabama – Birmingham named their team the “Blazers” and have a Dragon for a mascot. I have NEVER seen a Dragon in Birmingham Alabama: EVER.
But I did have this blind date once there….Never mind.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Illinois State at Marshall
No Redbird can stand up to a Thundering Herd…
It’s a rule…
THUNDERING HERD 27-10

Appalachian State at LSU
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Sorry, that was last years ASU headline pick…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

McNeese State at North Carolina
I knew a McNeese once…
Jeremy McNeese used to dress up in his grandmothers clothes and light things on fire.
I think he gets out on parole in 2015…never mind.
TAR HEELS 34-14

Texas Christian at New Mexico
Life teaches us many odd lessons…
Like for example, I know a lot of TCU alumni.
Everyone of them is good as gold and a hell of a lot of fun.
I have met two New Mexico graduates recently and both of them are horses asses.   
Enough said…
HORNED FROGS 31-24

Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech
Coach Croom’s Bulldogs are the only REAL Dogs in this fight.
CROOMS DOGS 27-17

Chattanooga at Oklahoma
By the time the folks from Chattanooga hear, “Oooo Say can you see….”
They will down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 54-10

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn
What the hell is Monroe thinking?
WAR EAGLES 38-13

Florida Atlantic at Texas
By the time this one is over Florida will wish they were in the Pacific…
LONGHORNS 34-10

Eastern Washington at Texas Tech
There are few things as enjoyable as a Saturday afternoon in Lubbock…
Have I mentioned that it’s the home of Buddy Holly?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-17

Florida International at Kansas
I think the folks from “International” come to Kansas so they can flaunt their sophistication…
JAYHAWKS 33-17

Western Illinois at Arkansas
This is going to be uglier than Prom Night at the School for the Blind.
RAZORBACKS 54-3

Northern Illinois at Minnesota
Why are Minnesota’s Gophers Golden?
Are they richer than our Gophers?
Does the fact that their Gophers are Golden somehow make them better than us?
I hate arrogant groundhogs…
GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-20

Memphis at Ole Miss
This game is the Battle for the Elvis….
I think the winner gets a Velvet Poster of Elvis…
Before he discovered complex carbohydrates…
REBELS 24-21

Western Michigan at Nebraska
Coach Bo will have the Big Red Machine in High gear for this one…
Believe it…
HUSKERS 38-10

Arkansas State at Texas A&M
The Indians haven’t had this much trouble since the Federal government showed up and said…
“Sign Here”….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-13

Southern University at Houston
The Cougars are Loaded this year….and
Southern has a wonderful Liberal Arts Program…
Enough said…
COUGARS 31-7

Louisiana Lafayette at Southern Miss
Just for the record…
I am STILL upset about Coach Jeff Bowers leaving USM…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-10

North Texas at Kansas State
I would really enjoy watching this game…
 But VH1 is having a “Special” on David Hasselhoff: The Man, The Myth, The Music.
Times like this I wish I had TIVo.
WILDCATS 24-14

Tennessee Martin at South Florida
I think Martin is going to get a South Florida ass whipping…
NO BULL 34-10

Boston College at Kent State
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for a school known for anti-war protesting and National Guard bullet traps…
EAGLES 28-10

Michigan State at California
The Spartans will keep this closer than you might think…a lot closer. 
O’ So Golden Bears 20-17 

Idaho State at Boise State
“Famous Potatoes” gets Mashed…film at Eleven.
BRONCOS 38-7

Illinois at Missouri
MO Knows Football……….
MO’s TIGERS 28-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
What do you get if you win this “Big” instate game?
A cactus and free maid service for a week?
SUN DEVILS 31-14

Washington at Oregon
Where is Coach James when you need him…?
QUACKERS 3-2

Idaho at Arizona
Everytime I hear about Idaho, I remember this girl from High School named Ida.
Never mind….
WILDCATS 20-10

Alabama and Clemson
NO Cream Puff Game Here….
THIS is HOW you start a Season…
Clemson has one of the Very Best Quarterbacks in the Nation…
The Tigers have a returning Offense and Defense that is second to none… 
I Dearly love my adopted Clemson Tiger Family.
You all know who you are….
I wish I was tailgating with you all right now..
Win, Lose or Draw…we are still family.

CRIMSON TIDE 27-24

Sunday, August 31st

Kentucky at Louisville
This game is alot like going to my wife’s family reunion in Eastern Kentucky..
There is bitterness, cussing and fighting….followed by hard feelings.
Never mind. This game is EXACTLY like her family reunion.
CARDINALS 27-23 

Colorado State at Colorado
While I am on the subject of my wife’s family…
Please be sure and watch my sister-in-law “run” onto the field as the Colorado mascot “Ralphie”..
Hey, I am NOT Complaining! We are just glad she is working…
BUFFALOS 31-28

Monday September 1st

Fresno State at Rutgers
If you really care about this game….
Then you probably didn’t have enough to drink during the earlier games..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 23-17

Tennessee at UCLA
This game is like trying to decide who to pull for in a War between Iran and Syria….
VOWELS 31-17

Your Weekly Email Q&A and Team News will be presented on Sunday.
Only 5 Days until Kickoff…..

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB

Some people call me the Miley Cyrus of College Football, but I like to think of myself as a “Superstar” Fan! Know what I mean?

Kickoff is right around the corner and you know what that means?

That’s right! I am a getting my mullet dyed Orange!
I am going to rock the Peyton Manning Trailer Park here in Baneberry Tennessee!

Now before we talk about some football, I got a little something for the “Ladies” out there…

Something must be wrong with my mail, cause I ain’t got any fan mail since Earlene got arrested, but I know yawl has been wanting to see a picture of your boy Hootie, am I right?

Now, I ain’t going to be responsible for no divorces or messy breakups, so look at my picture at your own risk ladies. I don’t want yawl too lathered up and have some jealous husband or boyfriend coming after ole Hootie.

I am hotter than a stolen pistol, ain’t I?

Now to my Football Picks of the Year….
This is easy….
I want to say it right here, the Vols will be undefeated this year and win the Southeastern Conference, the National Championship, and Coach Phil Fulmer will be “America’s Next Top Model”.

You don’t think so?
You ever seen Coach Phil in one of them Speedos?
Enough said.

Enjoy your Sunday

Hootie – Out!

P.S If any of you ladies are interested I am right here at the Casa De Hootie in the Peyton Manning Trailer Park in Baneberry Tennessee. Just look for the plastic Santa Claus painted up like Phil Fulmer next the 1982 Chevy Camaro on blocks and you is there!

Welcome Back to Part II of Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza!

We have a lot to discuss with this week’s Email Questions and Answers and the all important Pronostications of the Conference Championships.

So let’s get to it.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hey There! I like to read your column and me and my wife was wondering with all your popularity if you was looking for anybody to advertise on your site?
The reason I ask, is because my wife (Blossem) and I have come up with a dandy idea!
Everybody is trying to eat healthy now a days, am I right?
People want to eat stuff that is “all natural”.

So what could be more natural and healthy than Possum Milk and Possum Cheese?

If you is interested in having Blossem’s Possum Milk or Blossem’s Possum Cheese as a sponsor, just let us know.

It’s good and good for you (That’s what we a going to put on the package)

Bobcat and Blossem – Winchester, Tennessee

A: You two are Tennessee Volunteer Fans, right?
Now, it all makes sense….

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can help me with. I am a Kansas Jayhawk Fan (Go Jayhawks!) and we had several players leave the football team last year, but yet never heard if they graduated or were drafted by the NFL. Do you know what happened to the players that left the Jayhawks last year?
Thanks!
Chuck – Lawrence, Kansas

A: I know exactly what happened to the players from last years Jayhawks Team.
Coach Mangino ate them….sorry.

Q: Hello! I am 98 years young and I have been raising parrots for the past 14 years and breed them, nurture them and feed them worms. They keep me company and perform fancy tricks on tiny trampolines and chirp catchy, feel-good tunes all the day long. For Halloween last year I dressed them up as the characters of the TV show “the A-Team”. Tooty got to be Mr. T, he looked just like him. I just wish I could have gotten him to say, “I pity the Fool!”
I almost forgot what I was going to ask you!
How do you think the Seminoles are going to do this year? I wonder if Tooty could play Quarterback?

Bobby B. – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Coach, I think it’s about time for your nap.

Q: Listen Dung Breath, NO jokes this year about your sister-in-law! She does not have Horns! Those are calcium deposits! Also NOBODY wants to hear or read about her excessive body hair, the hump on her back or that one foot that looks like a hoof! I am sure that she has a wonderful personality and is very popular!
Anonymous – Pikeville, Kentucky

A: Did you like the Dehorning Paste I sent you for your Birthday?
No need to Thank me…

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS PART II

Due to time constraints I was unable to finish the “Pretenders” and “Contenders” section of the 2008 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza yesterday.

Enjoy….

PRETENDERS PART II

DUKE: The Blue Devils are to football what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

TEMPLE: See above and substitute “Owls” for Blue Devils.

KANSAS: I have good news and some bad news.
The Good News is that Coach Mark Mangino has beaten anorexia! Yes!
The bad news is that by the end of the year the Jayhawks will only be in contention for a bid to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Conway Arkansas. I would look at this as a “win”-”win”.

UTAH: I cannot in good conscience pull for any team that considers “Milk” an acceptable Tailgate Beverage.

OREGON: You have the most butt ugly uniforms of any sport at anytime in any country.
Your mascot looks like a gay Mr. Peanut…..
Your marching band uniforms looked like they were designed by a colored blind cyclops…
You refer to your offense as the “Quack Attack”….
And you wonder why I make fun of you?

WASHINGTON: I really wish the Mighty Huskies would return to Championship form…
Because I still miss Coach James.

CALIFORNIA (anything): How can I put this gently?
You suck. How’s that?

CONTENDERS PART II

ARIZONA STATE: The Sun Devils WILL compete for the PAC 10 title…Believe it.

WISCONSIN: Never underestimate the power of Cheese.
The game with the Mighty Buckeyes in Madison on October 4th will decide the conference title.

MIAMI: The Hurricanes will not contend for the Conference Championship this year, but they might ruin the Hokies chances when they meet on November 13th.

PENN STATE: Jo Pa will not win the Big Eleven…I mean “Ten” Title this year, but he will most certainly be a contender.

OREGON STATE: Coach Riley is a Bama Boy and that’s good enough for me.

ALABAMA: Because I said so….

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

THE BIG TEN…I mean ELEVEN

Despite the fact The Ohio State Buckeyes have Southern California, Wisconsin and Michigan State on the road this season, I believe this is a team on a mission.

The Ohio State Buckeyes WILL be Conference Champions this year.

THE BIG 12

The Missouri Tigers lead by Chase Daniels will most certainly win the Big 12 North, but don’t count out the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Coach Bo will have the Black Shirts ready to play. Believe it.

The Oklahoma Sooners “should” win the Big 12 South….
But Do Not underestimate the Red Raiders of Texas Tech.
They have one of the best quarterbacks in the nation that you never heard of in Graham Harrell.
Fortunately the Sooners have the Red Raiders in Norman this year on November 22nd.

But one slip by the Mighty Sooners…..

My Pick?

The Big 12 Champion will be the Oklahoma Sooners…

THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

The Clemson Tigers have some of the very best fans in the country that wrote the book on tailgating (Trust me on this one) and a favorable schedule to make a run for the title.

But they will have to play back to back road games at Boston College (November 1st) and at Florida State (November 8th). One late season banana peel and they will find themselves trailing the pack.

My Pick?

The Tigers WILL win the Atlantic Division…..

The Virginia Tech Hokies “should” win the Coastal Division of the Conference, but will not have enough horsepower to overcome the Mighty Tigers of Clemson.

Clemson Tigers 2008 ACC Conference Champions. Believe it.

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

WARNING: If you are prone to fits of anger or have a weak heart do not read any further.

The Georgia Bulldogs will NOT win the Southeastern Conference title or the Eastern Division.

As much as it pains me to say this. The Dawgs are undisciplined.

And to make matters worse….

The Dawgs have THE toughest schedule in the nation.
AT South Carolina
AT Arizona State
Alabama
Tennessee
AT LSU
Florida at Jacksonville
AT Auburn

The Mighty Florida Gators WILL win the Eastern Division of the Conference.
Why?
Two words for you…Tim Tebow.
Enough said.

The Team that will represent the Western Division of the Conference in Atlanta will be decided when LSU travels to Auburn on September 20th.

My Pick?
The Auburn Tigers

Florida Gators and Auburn Tigers in Atlanta for the Conference Championship.

The 2008 Southeastern Conference Champions will be the Florida Gators

CONFERENCE USA

Look for the Golden Eagles of Southern Miss to win the Eastern Division of the Conference with the Thundering Herd of Marshall hot on their heels.

The Western Division will be decided when the Houston Cougars and the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes meet in Texas on November 15th.

My Pick?
The Houston Cougars will win the Division and the Conference Title.

EDITORS NOTE: I still think the name “Golden Hurricanes” sounds dirty.

THE BIG EAST

This one will be easy….

Light those Couches!

The West Virginia Mountaineers will win it all in the Big East.

PAC 10

I really don’t care and neither should you, but if I have to pick a team….

The Arizona State Sun Devils will win the PAC 10 Conference Tilte this year.

EDITORS NOTE: You can’t stop a man from dreaming…..

The MAC, YAC, Paddy WAC Give my dog a bone Conferences…..to include “Independents”.

Does it really matter?

No it doesn’t.

Only 18 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted….soon.

RTR
MEB

I have good news to report. 
Not only is “Dog The Bounty Hunter” back on the air, but we are only 19 days away from the opening kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season.
And you all know what that means…..it is time for your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

I know that it may be difficult for many of you to concentrate on the upcoming College Football Season with the latest news of the week.
Much like you I was shocked by what I heard.
Please, do not worry.
Even though Russia was reported to have invaded Georgia, I can assure you all they will never make it past Valdosta.
Those Georgia Boys will whip their ass.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Pre-Season Observations and Pronostications

ESPN: The College Football Crew of ESPN College Gameday will continue to ignore the Reggie Bush- Southern California Trojan scandal because the network has too much money invested in showing PAC-10 Football games.

ESPN Part II: As a side note, how about showing the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
You can run the scores at the bottom of the screen because most of us can READ.
We (The College Football Fans) do not need three or four talking heads in the “studio” to tell us what we already know.

College Football Announcers and Commentators

Sometime during the 2008 College Football Season we will tune into “our” game and find one of the below individuals that suffers from chronic diarrea of the mouth “announcing” the game.
My suggestion?
Hit the mute button.

Lou Holtz: As I reported last year; The “One Time” Coach that has left every single university team in his career under NCAA Investigation is not a human being at all, but a 145 pound Tom Turkey.
Why do we need to hear him gobble and spit for an hour in the studio before kickoff? 
My point exactly.

Mark “Milk Dud Head” May: I am guessing his Resume says he is a “Master of the Obvious”. 
If my team is down by two touchdowns at half time, I REALLY don’t need to hear Milk Dud Head say, “They need to score more points if they expect to win this game.” 
Really? You figured that out all by yourself? Thanks Rain Man.

Bret Musburger: If you look up “Gibbering Jackass” in Websters Dictionary, it says; “See Bret Musburger.”

Vern Lundquist: Most of the time this syphilitic old Troll doesn’t even know which sport he is announcing. Here is a hint: Golf and Basketball metaphors don’t have ANY place in College Football.
Dumbass.

Dan Foust: You put the “Dumb” in “Ass”. Congratulations.

Bob Griese: See Above

Pam Ward: See “Dan Foust” Above

Archie Manning: Do you know how to tell when Archie is saying something stupid?
His lips are moving.

Whoa Nelly! Where is the Great Keith Jackson when you really need him?

SOUTHERN CAL: The Trojans will continue to be the Darlings of media, that is until they line up against the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State on 13 September. Then the excuses will begin….

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines will start out the year 1and 4 this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Wolverine Fans, look at the bright side:
You have the only college football coach in the nation who’s wife dresses like a ten dollar hooker.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Coach Croom proved he can Coach and Motivate; expect more of the same this year. To include another Bowl game.

I still think Auburn’s mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

IOWA: Unfortunately the “Hawkeyes” passed on the sponsorship of a major fried chicken franchise and a mascot name change to “Popeyes” due to ongoing litigation by Olive Oil and Brutus.

INDIANA: Also in mascot news; the “Hoosiers” have passed on a wonderful sponsorship opportunity by a Nationally known “Wing” Restaurant and will not rename their team the “Hooters”.

EDITORS NOTE: The Hoosiers are however still negotiating with the FOX Network on a limited sponsorship with a popular television program and renaming their them the “Homers”.

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved Groundhog.

NEBRASKA: Big Red isn’t all the way back, but Coach Bo will get them there sooner than you think.

TENNESSEE: It was reported last week in the Nashville Tennessean that the University of Tennessee leads the nation with the largest athletic recruiting budget spending more than 2 Million dollars a year in private and public air transportation, rental cars and lodging.

Two Million Dollars A Year? Really?

Over a Million More than Notre Dame, Texas and Ohio State? Wow…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just because the University of Tennessee is the ONLY College or University in the country with a convicted felon on their board of directors is no reason to think anything is wrong.
I mean, just because he was convicted in Federal Court for embezzlement is no reason to worry.
After all, he isn’t like the last university President that charged the university over $180, 000 dollars per home game for “entertainment”, right? How much money did he “misappropriate”? Ten Million Dollars?

You Volunteer fans enjoy that 26% tution hike this year. I am sure your money is being well spent.

COLLEGE REFEREES
Despite a valiant effort by the PAC 10 Officials last year in screwing a number of teams out of wins, they will have to bring their Coke Bottle Glasses and Seeing Eyed Dogs to beat the Master of Disaster when it comes missed calls and determining the outcome of games.
I am talking of course, of the Southeastern Conferences own Penn Wagers.
That guy could screw up a two car parade.

This year a team from the Eastern Middle Western Northern Southern Conference will claim they should get a shot at the Championship because they beat a Taxidermy School from North Carolina.

This year I will still wonder who is actually on the BCS Committee.
Currently, I believe the committee is comprized of a group of chimpanzees on crack that make their respective decisions with the use of a dart board.

This year the Ivy League will still suck.

West Point: See above

OLYMPICS: If I hear one more time that Wong Chang Woo enjoys watching reruns of “Friends” and playing “Clue” my head is going to explode.

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

PRETENDERS

IOWA: The Hawkeyes must have worked really hard to arrange a schedule were they didn’t have to play ANYBODY of note in their Conference this year. No Michigan or Ohio State, just dates with Wisconsin and Penn State to round out a schedule dominated by cream puffs.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Sherman doesn’t even know the names of his players, do you think he is ready for the Big 12? The answer my friends is, no he isn’t.

EDITORS NOTE: For reasons that I don’t need to go into here, I can’t in good conscience pull for any Coach Named “Sherman.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on NCAA Probation by now? Just wondering….

ARKANSAS: The Mighty Razorbacks are a young team with a new coach.
They are two or three years away from the Southeastern Conference Championship game.

FLORIDA STATE: Due to recent restrictions in the Florida Parole system, the Seminoles will be unable to field a championship caliber team. There, I said it.

EDITORS NOTE: The fact that Coach Bobby can’t dress himself or remember what year it is should have no impact on his play calling. Which is nice…

LOUISVILLE: No Defense, means No Conference Championship. Period.

NOTRE DAME: You might beat Navy this year, but you all are a long way away from winning anything that really matters. Might I suggest scheduling the School that Re-Treads Tires and the Vietnamese Nail Salon in Lake Charles. Wait, Florida State has already scheduled those schools, sorry.

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines are in for a long season….a really long season.

COLORADO: Despite the fact my sister-in-law doubles as “Ralphie” the Buffalo Mascot at most home games, the Mile High team will fall flat early this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Please, no emails about “How mean I am to my sister-in-law” about her being the Colorado mascot. We are just thankful she is working….

CONTENDERS

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will be the Team to beat in the Big 12.
Remember you heard it here first. Get Those Guns Up Red Raiders!

TEXAS: Never Count out the Longhorns and Colt McCoy.
If they get by the Red Raiders and survive the Red River Shoot out, they will have a shot at the Big Time.

OKLAHOMA: This year the Mighty Sooners WILL be in the Big 12 Championship game….Believe it.

MISSOURI: The Tigers have Chase Daniel and the right surrounding cast to win the Big 12, but will they make it to the “Big” Championship Game?

CLEMSON: Tommy’s Tigers are Loaded and have a favorable schedule to win the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship, but can they overcome a history of late season stumbles?

VIRGINIA TECH: NEVER count out Coach Beamer and the Mighty Hokies.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes should win the Big Eleven..I mean Ten Championship. But they have to get by the Badgers on October 4th to earn it.

WEST VIRGINIA: Will the couches light the Morgantown sky this year?
Talk to me after Auburn comes to town on October 23rd.

LSU: The Bayou Bengals are a legitimate contender for the Southeastern Conference Championship if and thats a BIG if, they get through the brutal Conference schedule.

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs get through their schedule without getting bruised up they should and will be Number One. Period.

AUBURN: These Tigers are poised to ruin everybodies parade in the Southeastern Conference.
They ARE Contenders. Believe it.

FLORIDA: The Mighty Gators are my pick to win the BCS Championship.
Why? You will have to read Part II Tomorrow of the Pre-Season Extravaganza to find out.
Your Favorite College Football Pronosticators Conference Championships and Email Questions and Answers will be included too. So look for Part II Sunday Afternoon.

RTR
MEB

There are a lot of things that don’t make sense to me; say like the NCAA dragging its feet on the investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California and cheese logs.

I don’t understand how the Weather Channel can “predict” a dozen major hurricanes this year, but can’t tell me if it’s going to rain in the morning.

Why is there an Amish Outlet?
Are the Amish producing so many goods that they need a place to sell the excess?
And how much stuff can you move in a buggy anyway?

Why is there a store that sells “Irregular” clothing?
Do I really want to save ten dollars on a pair of jeans only to have to explain to my friends why one leg of my pants is eight inches higher than the other and why my zipper is located on my hip?

I recently saw a billboard on the way to my wife’s family reunion that said, “Grandpa’s House of Meat and Cheese” and then at the bottom of the sign it said, “Come on in and check out Grandpa’s Meat!”
Am I the only person that thinks that is funny as hell and a little disgusting?

Do people in this country really think that having a “Talent” constitutes setting off twenty dollars worth of firecrackers in your pants while you play the ukulele?

I know, sometimes I think too much, but just don’t get me started on cheese logs.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, do you know the orgin of why they call Youngstown State the Penguins?
Thanks!
Jeremy – Zanesville, Ohio
A: Because the university is located ten miles form the artic circle Jeremy.

Q: Mike, I was shopping for my wife’s birthday and was looking at purchasing a UT (Tennessee) version of the game Monopoly and was wondering if you knew the diffrence between this version and the regular Monopoly game?
Tommy – Jackson, Tennessee
A: Glad you asked Tommy. The Tennessee version of Monopoly has a variety of different twists but the most noticeable is that not only does the Tennessee football player end up in jail and cannot collect two hundred dollars, but he also has to wait for Phil Fulmer’s lawyer to bail him out.

Q: As a Professor of Philosophy at a Major Ivy League Institution, I feel that I am qualified to comment on your latest rant forbidding children to choose their favorite teams in sports. Simply put; we should let them choose to stimulate their creativity and develop self worth in their decision making process. I hope this helped you understand how we “do things up north.”
Dr. R. Moran – Cambridge, Massachusetts.
A: Admit it Doc, you heard these words a lot growing up….
“Hand over your lunch money”

Q: Mike, I have a confession to make. I am a life long Alabama Fan, but yesterday while I was at work I “Kind of” flirted with this young lady that is a recent Auburn graduate.
What should I do?
Warren – Cottondale, Alabama
A: Say Thirty “Hail Bryants” and go back to work and behave yourself.

Q: Mike is the mascot at the University of Nebraska, “Husker Boy” real or is that a student in a costume? That boy has got the biggest head I have ever seen on a human being!
Shirley – Texarkana, Arkansas
A: Unfortunately Shirley that is NOT a student in a costume, but he doesn’t have the largest head of all the mammals. That distinction belongs to Wynonna Judd.

Q: You were a little hard on the new Georgia State head football coach in a previous post. Are we to understand that you really don’t think Bill Curry is a very good football coach?
Debbie – Atlanta, Georgia
A: Bill Curry is to Coaching what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

Q: What is the craziest thing you have seen during this off season?
Todd – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: “I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic’s; his hair was perfect.”

EDITORS NOTE: My Thanks to Warren Zevon for the above answer.

Q: Mike, how are the football players at the University of Tennessee going to stay academically eligible without the “Minor in Dance” classes?
Julie – Gainesville, Florida
A: Thank goodness they still have the “Walking Classes” or they might be in real trouble. But I have on good authority that the “new” curriculum for freshman football players at Tennessee will include two classes from the Agriculture Department.
The Armadillo: Possum on the Half Shell or Natures Little Tank?
Okra: Hairy vegetable or Natures Bore Brush?

Q: Mike I know that you have discussed this before, but I have to ask which university do you think has the worse mascot in all of collegiate sports?
Sorry if this is a repeat question! Thanks!
Kim – Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: There are a number of worthy candidates for that award Kim, but I would have to say that the Evergreen State Geoduck wins the award for the worst mascot.
It looks like a foam rubber turd with legs, see for yourself.

Enjoy your Fourth of July and remember we are only 56 days away from Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Before we get into this weeks emails, I guess yawl want me to tell you why I tried to do that laser eye surgery on my cousin Ronnie with one of them laser pointers.

Well, if you ain’t never seen my cousin Ronnie, let me tell you, that boy has got a head like a catfish. His eyes are on the side of his head and they just kind of move around all by themselves, if you know what I mean. Hell, he even has two little whiskers that hang from his lip like a catfish.

So, I figured why not get me one of them laser pointers and hook ole Ronnie up. Couldn’t hurt his looks none.

Anyway, it didn’t work out so well, as you all have heard by now.
But at least it didn’t start no fire like the time we tried to cure momma’s cataracts by sticking her head in the microwave.

I know you wanting some answers to your questions so let’s get to my mail or as I like to call this part “Keep’n it Real with Hootie Snitch” (Thought that up myself, catchy ain’t it?)

Q: Hootie, did you do anything special to celebrate Cinco de Mayo? Just wondering!
Maria – El Paso, Texas
A: What kind of question is that? Why would I celebrate something that means “Pass the Mayo”? Besides we are gettin all geared up for the Big Celebration; Johnny Majors Birthday is the 21st of May!

Q: Sorry to hear about your “accident” Hootie. Did you do anything “interesting” during your recuperation?
Stan – Athens, Georgia
A: Thanks, yeah I took myself a trip, but boy was I ever disappointed.
I heard about this thing in Arkansas called the “Toad Suck” festival, so I headed off down there last weekend, thinking; get myself a t-shirt, suck on a toad or two to catch a buzz, then weave my way back to Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee. Wrong.

They didn’t have no Toad Sucking or nothing; it’s a family thing, which kind of ruled out what I had planned. I ain’t kidding neither, see for yourself, their site is right here.
http://www.toadsuck.org/

Q: I have a question for you that I hope you can answer. Tennessee Quarterback Jonathan Crompton recently completed spring training but required extensive elbow surgery following the Orange and White Game. Will he be ready in time to start the season?
Stephen – Cookeville, Tennessee
A: You come to the right place; Nobody knows more about the Vols than Me! I have on good authority that the surgery you was talking about didn’t have nothing to do with his elbow.
I will let you all in on a little secret, you ready? Coach Phil had Jonathan’s throwing arm extended another 12 inches or so and they put an extra thumb on his hand too!
I hear that boy will be able to throw the football a damn MILE!

Q: Dear Sir, some of my classmates and I are planning to make the “road trip” from Northern Illinois University next year on October 4th to watch the Huskies play the Volunteers of Tennessee.
We want to do some cool things while we are in Knoxville and have looked up a number of things online and are wondering if you could answer a question for us.
What happens at a “Tennessee Ho Down”?
Jake – DeKalb, Illinois
A: Some smartass calls 911, the police show up and some innocent man goes to jail.

Q: This question is for Hootie. Will you please explain for me and the other readers how you are related to Coach Phil Fulmer at the University of Tennessee? Thanks.
Gary – Nashville, Tennessee
A: Be glad to Gary. My Daddy’s last name is Snitch, as you probably figured out on your own. My Momma’s last name before she married my daddy was Ratt; like the GREATEST Rock Band that ever lived! Ratt Rocks! So anyway, everybody says that Coach Fulmer is a “Snitch and a Ratt”, at least thats what we heard. So, we is proud that he is our kin, cause every Snitch and Ratt I know are Tennessee Vol fans, thru and thru! Hell Yeah!

Q: You sir sound like an illiterate Neanderthal with your insistant ramblings. I don’t know how you got past the third grade?
Brenda – Gainesville, Florida
A: You damn Gator fans don’t know nothing! You are way off on both counts! For your information I am a Baptist and I got myself a degree in educashon from the University of Tennessee.

Some of yawl have asked who I am supporting in the big political race this year.
I believe the choice is simple.
I am throwing all my support behind the only person qualified for the job.
There is only one choice for Sheriff of Knox County for me!

Hootie – Out!