It’s been a long 2011 College Football Season…
This column is a labor of love and it’s a pleasure to be able to bring you the weekly college football picks and the occasional story throughout the season. But I couldn’t do it alone and I don’t.

I want to take a moment to thank a few people for keeping me going throughout this college football season, without their help, encouragement and humor it would have been damn near impossible to bring you all something worth reading week after week.

I want to thank Harley and his Gang from South Georgia who had the most popular article on the website this season with the “South Georgia Football News and Views”. I would also like to thank Harley’s wife who allows me to steal so much of his time during the football season.

Harley’s insight and wit were more valuable to me this season than I have words to say other than
“Thank you my friend”

I would like to thank Deke, Col J and the Eglin Boys for their friendship, encouragement and humor, not just this season, but throughout the years; it’s what has kept me going in good times and not so good times…Thank you all.

I want to say “Thank you” to Ed and Miss Pam at Stonybrook Cabins and Chalets in beautiful Gatlinburg Tennessee. There are no finer people on the planet than Ed and Miss Pam.

Not that this will turn into a shameless plug, but it will….
Look them up at http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/
There isn’t any place like it, anywhere….

I would be remiss if I didn’t thank the World’s Greatest Agent and Crimson Princess and her beautiful family for all their encouragement and support and well timed humor. I don’t know what I would do without Jill, Christy and Miss Kaye. I Love you all.

I want to thank “Beaver Jim” and “Bulldog Jim” respectively for their college football insight, humor and leads on stories. I appreciate you both, more than you know.

Lastly I want to thank you readers….
For taking the time out of your day to read my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and the occasional not-so-good, they keep me honest.
I need that…..

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will take a break for a couple of weeks, but will return.
But before I depart I want to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

By now the last of the confetti has drifted across the floor of the New Orleans Super Dome and all the celebratory cheers and celebrations have only just begun in Tuscaloosa.

The University of Alabama Crimson Tide are the 2011 National Champions of College Football

It was a battle…

It was relentless…

It was “Big Boy” football as it was meant to be played.

It was a game for the ages and unfortunately someone had to lose.

My voice is hoarse this morning and my head hurts and I haven’t been to sleep but I am happy, so very happy for my Crimson Tide family, friends and former teammates.

And I am happy for the Southeastern Conference who has won yet another National Championship in College Football for six consecutive years.

Certainly there are detractors and most of them live in Stillwater Oklahoma, where presumably the four mentally challenged voters in the AP Poll live that cast their Number One ballots for the Oklahoma State Cowboys.

So let me say this…..

If you do not think that the LSU Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide are the two best teams in college football, then you are a complete dumbass and you should be forced to live in Brent Musburger’s underwear until the start of the 2012 College Football Season.

To my beloved LSU Tiger friends, I hate it for you, because we respect each other.

I have nothing but love and admiration for you all and you know that to be true.

And I know that it may be hard to believe at the moment….

But the sun still came up this morning; it’s just shining a little bit brighter in Tuscaloosa

I will enjoy this one for a long while, not because we defeated the Bayou Bengals

But because the Alabama Crimson Tide are the Champions of College Football.

And I know that somewhere Coach Bryant is smiling….

Amen….

ROLL TIDE ROLL

THE CFB WIZARD

Before you begin your New Year’s Eve Celebrations….
I present the last of the 2011 College Football Bowl Picks.

This week we have the final Bowl Games to discuss along with season ending awards and email.

But before you launch headlong into the anxiety pool, let me remind you all of two very simple safety tips that will enhance your enjoyment of the upcoming coming New Year’s Eve Celebrations.

One….New Years Eve is an excellent time to get liquored up and make some bad decisions.
Which your Uncle Todd continues to prove year after year, remember when he brought that goat to your house?

Two….This is the second “celebration” within a week so remember kids…..
A healthy and balanced family life means piling unreasonable expectations on one family member during the holidays (Preferably the mother) and exploding with anger when those expectations aren’t met.

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Happy New Year…

THE 2011 CFB WIZARD BOWL GAME AWARDS

These highly sought after season ending awards are known as the most prestigious season ending bowl awards in all of college football, so without further ado I present the CFB Wizard Awards..

(Applause)

(More Applause)

WORST BOWL COSTUME BY A COLLEGE FOOTBALL FAN

This coveted award is also known as the Garth Brooks “Shameless” Award for excellence in costume design with absolutely no concern for the image of the proud University who they represent. Congratulations, I’m sure your family is thrilled…

And although “The Big Game” isn’t here quite yet, the runner up for this award goes to this ah, LSU Tiger “cheerleader”….

I can almost hear his kids now….
“Mom for the Love of GOD, please don’t go to the game dressed like that again!”

THE WORST BOWL SPONSOR MASCOT

The winner of this award had no competition….

This is kind of eye-catching mascot…..”The Idaho Potato Bowl Mascot”

I think it looks like Mr Hankey from South Park with a tube top.
Striking resemblance, don’t you think, see for yourself.

THE MOST EMBARRASSING ALUMNI AWARD

For consecutive years running, this award goes to the “honorable” U.S. Congresswoman from Florida Ms. Corrine Brown. Although this is an older video, I think you will agree she is still a “winner” of this prestigious award and it will be difficult to raise the embarrassment bar any higher for any alumni anywhere.

Go Gata….

Click here to view the embedded video.

CHRISTMAS HOME DECORATION CONTEST WINNER

It’s Christmas time in Louisiana and while most people decorate their homes with lights to
Celebrate the season; some of the folks down there have only one thing on their minds….

I can’t imagine what that would be?

THE WORST IDEA TO PROMOTE A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN OF 2011

The winner of this award goes to none other than Craig James formerly of ESPN….
Who recently announced his run for the U.S. Senate…..
And as a big a dumbass and as stupid as Craig James is…I would say he’s probably a shoe-in.

Maybe I’m old fashioned but I don’t think I would have talked about killing a hooker.
But that’s just me….

THE 2011 BFF (BEST FRIENDS FOREVER) AWARD

This award goes to none other than Kansas Coach Charlie Weis and former Tennessee Volunteer Coach Phil Fulmer, who are pictured riding off into the sunset together to spend some “quality man time” with one another.

WORST CHRISTMAS CARD IDEA OF 2011

I will close the awards with this….

Alabama ball cap – $15
Hounds tooth Hat – $25
Matching Hounds tooth shirt $35
Matching Hounds tooth Blanket – $45
Bringing your soon to burst pregnant girlfriend with her exposed midriff shirt and hooker pumps to the cow pasture, to pose in an inviting patch of dirt next to the pond for your Christmas card..
Priceless.

Young people in love….

Inspiring…..

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS AND VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC Country!!!

I don’t know about anyone else, but this is a special time of year down in these parts.

School has let out for the Christmas Break; everyone is running around buying presents for their loved ones. But, most importantly, we’re getting all ready for the annual Hanesworth Christmas Family Gathering out in Workmore at my mama and daddy’s house.

There’s more Hanesworth’s down here than you can shake a stick at, so as you can imagine, there’s a huge family get together on Christmas Eve. Mama works all day cooking a big Turkey and dressing. All us kids make covered dishes like sweet potatoes, turnips, peas, and butterbeans to take over for the main course and blackberry pie, pecan pie, and chocolate layer cakes for dessert. But best of all, my sister Viola makes her special oyster dressing to bring over for all to enjoy. Everybody starts getting to the house about 3 in the afternoon, with the ladies going in the house to help mama with the last of the cooking and setting the tables.

All the men either go into the living room to watch some football or stand around the fire pit outside and sip on a cold adult beverage. The kids run around out in the pasture and play their games and wait anxiously for supper. We’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember and I can report that although we’ve got a few outlaws in the family, nobody’s ever been killed, even though my brother, Harold, once shot himself in the leg after he had showed us his little .22 peashooter and was sticking it back in his pocket. It was just a little flesh wound so we bandaged him up and went back to the conversation and imbibing of beverages. I hope you all have the opportunity to get together with family and enjoy the fellowship and fun like we do.

I’ve got some bad news to report from up in Statesboro. Our Georgia Southern Eagles finally met their match in their march to the FCS National Title up at the Fargo Dome, in Fargo, North Dakota. The Bison from the North Country took advantage of some early Bird specials courtesy of a couple of untimely fumbles as they kicked the Eagles out of their nest by a 35-7 tally. The visitors from Statesboro kept things close for 39 minutes, down 14-7, but the Buffalo then ran roughshod over the Feathered Flock from the South, outscoring the Birds 21-0 over the rest of the games. The Eagles drove 5 times to inside the Bison 30 but couldn’t punch it in. This obviously leaves a bitter taste in the mouths of our Southern Sons as they were defeated last year at this point by Delaware. Regardless of the outcome, we are so very proud of these young men as they competed for another National Championship and represented the Southern Conference and State of Georgia well. Congratulations, Eagles, on a great season.

And finally, I’d like to take the time to bid you farewell for this year.

I’ve never written for a prestigious, national publication before and from what the College Football Wizard has told me, amazingly, the response has been favorable.

I was honestly quite apprehensive about writing about my little corner of Georgia, and putting my opinions and thoughts on the College Football World out there for all to see. That’s pretty scary because there are some many of those nameless, faceless people who sit behind their computers and seem to savor or ridicule anyone who doesn’t write what they want to hear or throw an opinion out there that completely agrees, lockstep, with theirs.

I’d like to humbly thank you all for bearing with me as I slowly got my “sea legs” and found a format that I was comfortable with and that you would enjoy. As the Wizard said in an earlier article, this is like a labor of love because Telfair County in the Great State of Georgia is the home that I love. So to all of you, I close with this thought.

Every week I sign off with the statement to support your local High School Athletics Programs. And I hope you do. Although the kids are teenagers and they’d never admit it, it’s important to them that there are good turnouts for their various competitions. Football seems to get the most fans, followed by basketball, but remember all those young men and women who compete in Cross-Country, Baseball, Volleyball, Tennis, and the other programs that don’t garner the most fan support. These youngsters represent your schools with pride and would love to hear some rousing cheers as they score the winning run or cross that finish line first.

With the way the world is nowadays, they need us more than ever.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone

And……

Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE LAST EMAIL QUESTION OF 2011

Q: Welcome to Candyland!

I always like introducing myself in fun ways!
Sometimes I will growl like a dinosaur and kind of stand on my tip toes when I meet people for the first time! You should see the look on their faces!

Then I say something like “Haven’t you ever seen a dinosaur before!”

That just cracks me up!

Any Who, here is my question Ole Wise College Football Wizard!

If ESPN Commentator Pam Ward and Kansas Coach Charlie Weis had a baby….
What do you think it would look like?

Thank you and don’t forget to tip your waitress!
I crack myself up!

Tommy – Columbus, Ohio

A: I’m not quite sure Tommy, since my degree isn’t in genetic engineering….

But off the top of my head, I would have to say….

I don’t know, but I’m guessing it would have a butt the size of Rhode Island and a voice that would make small animals fling themselves into oncoming cars.

THE BOWL GAMES

Monday January 2nd 2012

Ticket City Bowl
Houston and Penn State
This Bowl game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl…
Because you never know who is going to show up and play
NITTANY LIONS 31-28

Capital One Bowl
Nebraska and South Carolina
If you like “Defense”, then this is going to be your game of the day
GAMECOCKS 17-10

Outback Bowl
Michigan State and Georgia
This one is for Larry and Lewis and Catfish…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Tax Slayer.com Gator Bowl
Ohio State and Florida
At first I was really excited when I say this Bowl Sponsors name…
Because I thought if there really was a “Tax Slayer” running loose then the folks in the Federal Government must be getting in line to join the witness protection program.
BUCKEYES 24-21

Rose Bowl Game Sponsored by VIZIO
Wisconsin and Oregon
This pick is quite simple for me….
I wouldn’t pull for the Ducks if they were playing Iran
BUCKY BADGERS 34-21

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Stanford and Oklahoma State
If you hate “Defense” then this is going to be your game of the day
COWBOY UP! 63-59

Tuesday January 3rd

Allstate Sugar Bowl
Michigan and Virginia Tech
“Put your left foot in, take your left foot out and do the Hokey Pokey and the Wolverines are going to win the Sugar Bowl.” Sorry I couldn’t make that one rhyme.
WOLVERINES 24-17

Wednesday January 4th

Discover Orange Bowl
West Virginia and Clemson
Remember what Smokey the Bear Says….…..
“Only you and the Clemson Tigers can prevent smoldering couch fires in Morgantown”
Wise words from a Bear….
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Friday January 6th

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Kansas State and Arkansas
I think this one is going to over before it gets started….
Believe it….
WSP HAWGS 43-17

Saturday January 7th

BBVA Compass Bowl
Southern Methodist and Pittsburgh
What the hell is a “BBVA”?
It sounds like Salmonellas demented cousin…..
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-28

Sunday January 8th

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Arkansas State and Northern Illinois
This is the “Nobody Cares Bowl” because the Championship game is on tomorrow night.
RED WOLVES 33-28

Monday January 9th

The Game
Allstate BCS National Championship Game
LSU and Alabama
This game will be a classic….
It’s a shame that someone has to lose
CRIMSON TIDE 21-20

POST GAME WRAP-UP…

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will be off until after the National Championship Game and depending on how that turns out or doesn’t turn out I may be receiving a liver transplant in Paraguay.

So Stay Tuned…

It’s been a long season for Yours Truly.
I have picked almost one thousand games this year, with the occasional story thrown in for good measure, and finished the 2011 college football season with an overall 80% success rate.

One Thousand games, it’s hard to believe….
Thank you all for riding along with me this season
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.
Enjoy your Bowl Games and have a Healthy Happy New Year

See you in 2012

ROLL TIDE ROLL

THE CFB WIZARD

Christmas is almost here….

This is a story that is familiar to many of you…..

For others it may be your first time reading it

I sent this out the last couple of years and so many of you loved it that I decided to send it out again.
This story means a lot to me.

I like to think of this as our little College Football Wizard Christmas Tradition…

I bring you this story of the first Christmas I can ever remember

I hope it touches your heart and motivates you to help the helpless.

I hope you enjoy it and I want to wish you all…..

A Very Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year….

Enjoy….

CHRISTMAS ON OUTER DRIVE

It was Christmas 1962, when America didn’t have a clue what a Vietnam was
and most women were more concerned about which hat Jackie Kennedy would wear during the holidays than they were about world politics.

Even at the ripe old age of four this wonderful foster family provided by the state that was kind enough to explain to me that Santa Claus…
Ole Saint Nick to you and me didn’t visit children without a mommy and daddy.
Those were the “bad” children; that’s why their mommies and daddies left them with the state.

Made sense to me at the time; so, it goes without saying that my expectations were not very high this holiday season.

Imagine my surprise when Miss Connie, who lived next door in the duplex……
told me that she was “sure” that Santa was going to drop off a present for me at her house.
She would bring it over to me on Christmas day. What? Could this be true?
I couldn’t hide my excitement or stop talking about Santa’s generosity.

The whole concept of Santa Claus was beyond my ability to comprehend.
But yet, I was able to grasp the idea of a “special” gift created just for me and built by elf’s working at union wage at the North Pole.
Go figure.

I have been exposed to various family Christmas traditions throughout my extensive tour of state homes over the years before I had grown up.
However, this particular family enjoyed opening a variety of packages on Christmas Eve and saving a select few……Along with Santa’s delivery, to open on Christmas morning.

On this Christmas Eve I was a very disinterested observer.
Despite the fact I wasn’t going to get any gifts, after all it was pointed out in advance, that “taking me in” and feeding me was “gift enough”.
I wanted to speed up the whole process; move on to Christmas morning…..
So I could get whatever wonderful item Santa would leave me at Miss Connie and Mister Ken’s house.
Could you blame me?

I remember these events with perfect clarity, recalling the scents and colors of the scene around me.
I can recall the feeling of unbridled enthusiasm of Santa’s impending arrival and the personal torment of a child wondering what he had done to make his parents not want him.

But I need to get back to the subject.

Somewhere during the course of the evening with my foster family……..
With the sound of tearing wrapping paper and empty boxes mixed with the laughter of the adults and their biological child, underneath the shimmering Christmas tree,,,,,
I took it upon myself to commit the ultimate breach in Christmas etiquette.

I was entrusted with prior knowledge of a special gift intended for the master of the house.
As he ever so slowly began the process of unwrapping his “special” gift…..
He also, began the “What did you get me?” game, which I was totally unfamiliar with at this particular time.

I cannot recall if I was exasperated with the speed of the deliberations
or I was attempting to be helpful with the questions from the master of the house.
It may have been a combination of the two.
But regardless of my reasoning….
During the guessing game conducted by the master of the house with his “real” family,
I suddenly and without warning blurted out, “It’s a Tool Box”.

It was as if someone pulled the plug to the volume control.
I have never heard a room go from the bustle and excitement of Christmas, with the tearing of packages and all the electricity that comes with the moment….
To complete silence in a micro second.

I was now the total focus of everyone’s attention.
Which is never a good thing.

Total disgust from the gallery of observers was matched by the murderous expression displayed by the man of the house. He slowly stood from his chair, stepping over the remnants of packages and his “tool box”.
The only sound I heard were his feet making contact with several pieces of wrapping paper.

He made approximately four strides that seem to take forever to complete in my minds eye.
He bent slowly, until our nose’s nearly touched.
I can smell the spent Pall-Mall’s on his breathe and the sticky sweet smell of, what I now recognize as, Southern Comfort.
Daniel in the Lions Den had nothing on me……

Between clenched teeth he told me that I had ruined Christmas for the whole family.
To be honest, I had figured that much out on my own at this point.
However what I did not anticipate, which to this day baffles me…..
Particularly considering my highly evolved survival skills, is what transpired next.

He struck me so fast on my face with his open hand that I wasn’t quite sure that I had been hit.
However, all doubt left my mind when my buttocks and shoulders made contact with the floor.
I remember the embarrassment of being knocked down, as opposed to the pain of the blow.
It’s funny what you remember sometimes…..

I immediately rolled my body into a ball, in anticipation of being kicked and I wasn’t disappointed.
Fortunately, he was barefooted and didn’t put a lot into it, or use his heel.
After a couple of kicks in quick succession I was told to get up and go to bed, while the rest of the “real” family continued with their holiday celebrations.

Excitement overshadowed any pain that I may have experienced thinking about Santa’s subsequent arrival ….
And my gift to be left with Miss Connie and I drifted off to sleep.
I woke before dawn on Christmas morning.

I remember pacing frantically in my little room and trying not to wake anyone in the house.

I didn’t want to wait for Miss Connie or Mister Ken to bring Santa’s gift to me.
As soon as I knew they were awake I would knock on the door and inquire about Santa’s visit the following evening (I had a plan)

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long for my plan to go into action.
Shortly after the sun came up I smelled two very important and familiar items that Christmas morning.
I smelled Miss Connie’s coffee pot and Mister Ken’s pipe.

Already, in my overalls, I slipped on my boots and quietly made my way out of the duplex to their front door.
Once I was at the front door, I suddenly lost my nerve and found that I couldn’t knock.
I was afraid of disappointment or maybe I was just plain scared, I really don’t remember.

Good fortune was mine this day…..
As I was turning to leave, Mister Ken; God bless him, opened the door…..
And said something about hearing shuffling on the porch, and invited me in to the wonderful smell of Miss Connie’s pancakes.

I soon found myself eating like I was going to the electric chair.
The exquisite taste of those pancakes, mixed with melted butter and maple syrup, washed down with ice cold milk made me momentarily forget all about gifts, packages or Santa.

Miss Connie and Mister Ken had already raised three boys by the time of this story and missed the sounds of boys in their house. I was always welcome in their modest home and felt warm and safe in their presence.
I don’t think I ever left their house when I wasn’t still chewing some marvelous delight prepared by Miss Connie.

While I was digging into my second helping of pancakes with Mister Ken asking me if I had seen Bart Starr and the Green Bay Packers on the television set..
Miss Connie interrupted and explained that they had found a gift with my name on it, under their tree for me this morning. Before I had a chance to finish chewing, she had set the gift down on the table next to me.

The paper and ribbon were magnificent.
I had never seen such a package.
Smiling broadly, they encouraged me to go ahead and open it.

With maple syrup on my face and hands I began to tear into “my” package.
I started pealing the paper, and next I broke the seal on the box encasing my Christmas surprise.

Inside the package was a plastic bag holding some one hundred plastic soldiers and the top of the bag was advertising the popular television program “Combat”.
There was an American jeep and a German pillbox in the bag as well.
This was beyond my wildest expectations!
I jumped up from the table hugging them both as tightly as I could and asked them to please thank Santa for me. I have never received a better gift anytime in my life.

I will never forget that gift, the kindness of those two people, or that particular Christmas on Outer Drive. In time, I moved on to a series of state homes, and Miss Connie and Mister Ken were to lose their oldest son Jerry, in Vietnam.

But this moment for me is frozen in time.

It doesn’t take much effort to create a memory for someone who doesn’t have much hope.
Take the opportunity to bring a little hope to someone this Christmas season, create a smile or generate laughter in those who need it the most.

Merry Christmas

Post script…

This story is for Connie and Ken who have gone on to meet the Lord.
Two sweeter or loving people have never walked this earth.
They provided a poor child with love and care that will never be forgotten.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2011

RTR
MEB

Just in time for Christmas, the second installment of your 2011 College Football Bowl games.

I wanted to get this edition out before your Aunt Edna shows up with her Yorkshire terrier “Popeye” who conveniently has “diarrhea” which was probably caused from sampling Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean casserole “surprise” which she decided to bring to your house for Christmas.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and don’t forget the Tums.

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Saturday December 24th

The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Nevada and Southern Miss
I know what’s on your mind concerning this game in Hawaii….
The answer is “Yes”; Dog the Bounty Hunter will return to A&E in January 2012
No need to thank me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-24

The Silicon Valley Bowl Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
This Bowl game is for teams that at a distance look really good, until you see them up close…
Then you can tell they are actually made out of Silicon something or another…
Texas Tech Red Raiders and Miami Hurricanes

The Purina Monkey Chow Bowl
Much like this Bowl Game sponsor….
These two teams didn’t smell particularly good this season, but they sure are fun to say…..
Oregon State Beavers and Indiana Hoosiers

CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP
For those of you (like myself) that are still trying to get last minute gifts on Christmas Eve, here is a safety tip for you. Do NOT go into a Pakistani Clothing Store and ask them if…
“They have any Bomber Jackets”

CHRISTMAS EMAIL QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey!

My name is Timmy and I am eight years old and I live in Opelika Alabama.
My daddy broke his leg this past fall when he jumped off the Auburn bandwagon (cause they ain’t been any good this year) and he hasn’t been able to work because Obama Care doesn’t care. Then my momma caught most of our trailer house on fire when the tuna helper surprise she was a cooking blowed up and the worst of it, my 18 year old sister run off with an Alabama Crimson Tide boy.
Is my momma and daddy ever mad about that!

So I am asking you Wizard Man for a Christmas Miracle.

Can you do that?

Timmy – Opelika, Alabama

A: You came to the right place Timmy….

To me, nothing says Christmas miracle quite like watching a spider monkey riding a dog.

God Bless us Every One…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Monday December 26th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Missouri and North Carolina
I liked this Bowl game a lot better when it was called the Weed Eater Bowl…
I have no idea what the hell an “AdvoCare V100” is…
It sounds like a cream that will make hair grow on your head like a damn gorilla….
MO’S TIGERS 28-21

Tuesday December 27th

Little Caesars Bowl
Western Michigan and Purdue
I have no problem per se with a Pizza Company sponsoring a Bowl game…
Except this one sounds like a midget Caesar and you all know how I feel about midgets.
They creep me out, especially midget clowns.
Ok, I need to stop I am scaring myself.
BOILERMAKERS 24-17

Belk Bowl
Louisville and North Carolina State
This clothing store geared towards women has an unusual trophy awarded to the winner…
I’m not quite sure what a pair of zebra striped high heels will look like as a trophy..
But I guess we are going to find out…
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-28

The Vienna Sausage Bowl Sponsored by the Dahlonega Georgia Chamber of Commerce
This Bowl game matches two teams…..
That much like Vienna sausages; you are never really quite sure what they are made of and if left out in the sun too long they will start to smell like grandma’s old slippers.
Kentucky Wildcats and Army Black Knights

Wednesday December 28th

Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Toledo and Air Force
I cannot in good conscience pick against the Air Force Academy in the “Military Bowl”
It’s how I roll….
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
California and Texas
Bridgeport as in Bridgeport Tires?
What’s so damn educational about a bunch of tires?
You either put them on a car or truck or make a tire swing out of it, that’s about it.
Unless you live in California and then I guess you paint a face on them and worship it.
Idiots….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-17

Wolf Brand Chili Bowl sponsored by the Texarkana Chili Cook-off Association
Much like the earlier Vienna Sausage Bowl, you don’t know what goes into making this delicacy, other than grease, more grease and a pinch of more grease.
But it does look like it’s already been eaten once…
I forgot where I was going with this one…
Tulane Green Wave and Vermont Poop Weasels

Thursday December 29th

Champs Sports Bowl
Florida State and Notre Dame
On paper this Bowl Game looks like it will be a good match-up……
Fortunately they don’t play the game of college football on damn paper.
SEMINOLES 43-17

Valero Alamo Bowl
Washington and Baylor
Having a sponsor with any Spanish name before “The Alamo” is abhorrent to me.
Enough said….
DA BEARS 38-17

Friday December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Brigham Young and Tulsa – Dallas
The best thing that can be said about this Bowl game is that it’s being played at the home of the Mighty Mustangs of Southern Methodist University in beautiful Dallas Texas.
What I wouldn’t give to be on the West End of Dallas on a Saturday night….
Sorry I had a flashback there for a minute….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24

The Cubic Zirconium Bowl located off the Las Vegas Strip in nearby Gypsum Nevada
This particular Bowl game is reserved for teams that shined and sparkled at the beginning of the season but when it came right down to it, they couldn’t cut glass this year.
South Florida Bulls and Tennessee Volunteers

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Rutgers and Iowa State
I hate to be the bearer of bad news to the folks in Yankee Land….
But there isn’t anything “new era” about pinstripes, they have been around for a while.
MIGHTY CYCLONES 28-14

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Mississippi State and Wake Forest
There is a lot at stake in the “Mortgage Bowl” in Nashville….
The losers of this game get their houses foreclosed on…
BULLY DOGS 34-14

Insight Bowl
Iowa and Oklahoma
I have some “Insight” for you on this Bowl game….
The Hawkeyes are going to get the living hell beaten out of them….
BOOMER SOONERS 49-14

Saturday December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas
Texas A&M and Northwestern
This Bowl game has one of the most useful and decorative trophy’s that can be found anywhere.
Nothing says “I’m a Winner!” like a Pine Tree Car Deodorizer ….
GIG EM AGGIES 31-17

The I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Bowl
The teams, student bodies, fans and alumni represented in this bowl game are composed of nothing more than lard and food coloring.
The Entire Ivy League and the University of Southern California Trojans

Hyundai Sun Bowl
Georgia Tech and Utah
At first glance I thought this Bowl game was sponsored by two Yugoslavian Utes, but then I realized it was a car company, which is cool.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-24

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Illinois and UCLA
Neither team has a head coach which should allow the viewers at home to enjoy the very best display of pee-wee football they have seen all year.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 6-3

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Cincinnati and Vanderbilt
There have been a lot of classic games played in this old stadium in the Land of Elvis.
This one may not be a “classic”, but it’s going to be a good one.
Thank you, Thank you very much….
COMMODORES 24-21

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Virginia and Auburn
Conventional wisdom says that the Southeastern Conference is an underdog in this game.
I am neither conventional nor very wise and I can give references to support that claim.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 23-21

I will have another favorite Christmas story on the wire tomorrow.

Next week we will have the final installment of the College Bowls and a few surprises as well.

So Stay Tuned…

Enjoy your Bowl Games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I shared this brief Christmas Story last year with you all and a good many of you commented on how much you enjoyed reading it and requested that I post it again this year.

So here it is, I do hope you enjoy it.

Two weeks ago the University of North Alabama Lions fell in the Division II College Playoffs on their home field in Florence Alabama.

I mention this because I played on that football field as a young boy.

In fact for a brief period of time, I lived right down the street from the current stadium.

I used to go up there every chance I got, just to run up and down the field.

Pretending to play college football and imagining victory’s won in the last second.

And that got me to thinking about a Christmas I spent there as a boy…..
And the “Post Christmas”……

So I share this little story with you……

I hope you enjoy it…..

Merry Christmas to you all….

Bullets in the Fire

At the risk of sounding like one of those old men I used to listen to as a kid harping on the youth of today, I have to say, some young kids today don’t realize how good they have it.

Between the drive thru meals and the video games it’s no wonder they don’t have appreciation for those things in life one has to work and strive to attain.

If you think I am pointing a finger at you, then you would be wrong.

I am pointing at myself as well.

I remember a time, not that long ago…

In a little house close to the railroad tracks, just down the road from what is now the University of North Alabama. In fact, when the freight trains rolled by everyday the entire house would shake as if from an earthquake. We could feel the clack-clack of the big wheels against steel tracks and the lonely blasts of the horns as the endless trains passed.

It was January and Alabama was hit with an unusually bitter cold spell.
The silhouettes of lifeless trees looked like shadows against the grey skies.
The blistering cold winds caused the entire house to creek as it labored to keep the heat of the fireplace trapped within its midst.

I was six years old and I was living with a family that also had a grandparent and grandmother living with them.

This particular Saturday two neighbors arrived and they were all warming themselves next to the fireplace in the little clapboard house next to the railroad tracks.

As I recall there were a total of eleven people in that little house that Saturday.
There were the foster parents, her father and mother, their two children, myself and two other foster children to work the fields and live stock across the tracks and the two neighbors from down the road.

Eleven in all on this cold morning most of which were huddled close to the fire talking all at once about a variety of subjects. Myself and the other kids all about the same age just got in from feeding the hogs, the two cows and cleaning the stalls to find ourselves hurried to the kitchen for the customary bowl of oatmeal.

My rumbling stomach could wait…
I had other pursuits in mind….

The grandfather who lived there liked me…
Maybe it’s because as a veteran of World War I
That’s right I said World War I…

I listened intently to his every story and asked a variety of questions all of which he answered patiently.
His Daughter and son in law didn’t seem to care what he had done in the Great War and neither did any of the other grandchildren or foster kids.
Me, I loved every minute of it.
I called him Mister Chuck and he called me Sonny.

Mister Chuck would say “Sonny you want to hear a story about the Great War?”
In a loud and resounding voice shouting yes sir! I would be at his feet quick as a rabbit.

I can still see him in my mind’s eye, setting in that rocking chair in his overalls, smoking a filter less cigarette staring into the fireplace as he told his stories; his mind drifting off to the battlefields of Europe and fighting the Hun.

Mister Chuck was a good and decent man.

A few weeks before this story…
It was Christmas..
There wasn’t much to go around for the foster kids in that house or anybody else for that matter.
But Mister Chuck made sure we all got new socks and Miss Annie (his wife) had knitted each of us a nice warm stocking cap.

But Mister Chuck had something special in mind for me….
Mister Chuck always carried tucked in his overalls, a Smith & Wesson Russian Model .44 caliber revolver.

He would occasionally unload it and let me carry it and even let me pretend to shoot it.
I would practice my sight picture imagining unknown marauders and the Kaiser’s Boys across the field, preparing to storm our defensive position.

That pistol was almost as long as my arm and at the time felt like it weighted a metric ton.
But I loved it.

Anytime he would unload the massive revolver he would let me put those big .44 caliber bullets in my pocket and even carry them around most of the day.
The bullets consisted of a huge chunk of lead attached to a real brass cartridge.
I felt like an ammo carrier preparing to make it to the trenches to resupply my brothers on the front lines.

So on this Christmas with no one around Mister Chuck said he knew how much I enjoyed playing with those bullets, so he gave me ten of the .44 Russian caliber bullets.
He got down on the floor with me and told me to imagine them as soldiers and with my imagination they could be whatever I wanted them to be.
It was an awesome gift.

At night I would wrap them in an old handkerchief and put them under my pillow and during the day I carried them with me everywhere I went.
I would play with those bullets every chance I got.
I would line them up on the floor and imagining all kinds of warfare in far away and exotic locations.

On this cold Saturday in January I was in a corner playing with my “soldiers” as the children ate their oatmeal in the kitchen and while the adults huddled near the fire place, some seated and others standing talking about whatever adults talk about.
In the middle of the group set Mister Chuck, staring into the fire.

I was in the process of relieving the beleaguered 101st Airborne Division at Bastogne in the corner of the room near a little table with my bullet soldiers, when the “incident” happened.

The man of the house and the son-in-law of Mister Chuck left the fireplace and came over to the table where I was playing. As he retrieved something from the top of the table his boot hit my “soldiers” and sent them scattering.

The man of the house saw the look of surprise on my young face and perhaps a hint of disgust as well.

He told me in no uncertain terms that I had no business playing with those bullets
He then told me to get rid of them right now or I would get a beating.

To this day I am not sure if everyone huddled around the fireplace heard the dispute, I know Mister Chuck certainly didn’t. Not that it has any real bearing on the rest of the story, but what happened next seem to start in slow motion.

My feelings were hurt and yes I was embarrassed, but more than that I was mad.
So with tears in my eyes, I gathered up my bullets in both hands and walked confidently towards the fireplace.

I walked between two adults who were talking about something or another and unceremoniously pitched all ten .44 caliber bullets into the roaring fire.

I can still the brass turning over in the air as they left my hands
The moment was frozen in time.

Until the Son In law who unbeknownst to me had witnessed the entire episode from across the room yelled
“There’s Bullets in the Fire!”

That was about the time the first rounds started detonating in the fireplace.
Was it ever loud!

I have never seen so many people running so fast in my life; how so many of them squeezed through the front door of that little house at the same time amazes me to this day.

That little living room looked like the deck of the Titanic.

While the crowd panicked Mister Chuck never left his rocking chair, I can still hear him laughing over the explosions in the fireplace.
He was laughing so hard he was crying, despite the fact embers hit him from the explosions and left burning, smoking holes on the legs of his overalls and in the arms of his flannel shirt.

I had a firsthand account of these events as I conveniently watched the fireworks display and subsequent scrabbling for safety from behind Mister Chuck’s rocking chair.

By the time the last round exploded and with ringing in my ears and the smell of cordite hanging in the air, the crowd slowly made their way back into the house, and I don’t think I need to mention the adults were something less than pleased with my actions, even Miss Annie looked like she was thrown from a truck.

Once Mister Chuck’s son-in-law came into the house, he grabbed me by the straps of my overalls and jerked me to me feet.
I knew I was done for
That was until Mister Chuck said
“Let that boy go”.
Nobody messed with Mister Chuck.

Mister Chuck stood up from his rocking chair and calmly asked me what happened.
When the Son-in-law tried to interrupt, Mister Chuck just held up his hand to silence his protests.

In my fear I recounted the story and Mister Chuck nodded his head, patted me on the shoulder and said, nobody is whipping this boy today. Sonny let’s go get you some more of them bullets.
And he did

I didn’t get a whipping that day, or any other day while I was in that home.
Only Mister Chuck and I talked and laughed about the incident later, nobody else dared bring the subject up for fear of making the son-in-law mad.

All either of us had to say was
“There’s Bullets in the Fire!”
And we would erupt with laughter.
Each and every time we talked about it, Mister Chuck would laugh just as hard as he did the day it happened and he would always say, “That was the funniest damn thing I ever saw”.

I left there the next year and I never forgot Mister Chuck and Miss Annie.
I didn’t see a lot of Mister Chuck as the years moved on and I kept up with them as best I could as I was growing up. But Mister Chuck never forgot me.

He made sure before he died that “Sonny” received the pistol he loved so much as a little boy.

Sometimes everything works out just like it’s supposed to.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s time to go Bowling and as promised your first installment of the 2011 Bowl Games.

Just a few games on tap until next week, but there is enough to keep you interested.

There is more on the way, a lot more so stay tuned

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Saturday December 17th

Semi-Final College Football Playoff
Georgia Southern at North Dakota State
Conventional wisdom would say that the Thundering Bison have an advantage over the Eagles in this matchup due to the weather in the beautiful Dakota’s this time of year.
But just one thing…..
They are playing the game in a Dome…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 34-24

The GILDAN New Mexico Bowl
Temple and Wyoming
What the Hell is a “GILDAN”, isn’t that something you get from setting on toilet seats at Greyhound bus stations? Maybe they should have called this the “Penicillin Bowl”
I’m just saying…
COWBOY UP! 28-24

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Ohio and Utah State
Really, a “Famous Potato Bowl”, really?
What’s next the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Bowl?
FRANK’S KATS 38-34

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
San Diego State and Louisiana Lafayette
Who came with an idea to have a “carrier” for a bowl sponsor?
It’s the cold and flu season for God’s sake..
SEMI-RAGIN CAJUNS 31-28

Tuesday December 20th

Beef O’Brady’s Bowl St Petersburg
Florida International and Marshall
I have but one thing to say about this Bowl game….
It sounds like it’s sponsored by a Male Stripper….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-21

Wednesday December 21st

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Texas Christian and Louisiana Tech
You know your Bowl game has too many sponsors…
When the name of the Bowl won’t fit on the back of a football jersey, enough said.
HORNED FROGS 43-24

Thursday December 22nd

MAACO Bowl Las Vegas
Arizona State and Boise State
MAACO, isn’t that the name of a Shark?
If that’s the case shouldn’t this game have been sponsored by Sea World?
BLUE BRONCOS 43-38

Enjoy your Bowls and I will see you all next week with more….

Stay Tuned and Enjoy your weekend

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s time once again for the coveted 2011 CFB Wizard Awards!

Now I know that many of you will be going about your Christmas chores this time of year and may feel that you are too busy or perhaps have fallen behind in shopping for the various gifts on your Christmas list to enjoy this prestigious of all College Football Awards article.

It’s time to take a break and pour a glass of that “special” eggnog, kick your feet up and relax.

The Award Show is about to begin…

Enjoy….

2011 COLLEGE FOOTBALL REPLAY

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the week at 6 and 1 with my only loss due to the Fighting Okra getting fried to a crisp in the Division II Playoffs.

So for the last week of the College Football Season the CFB Wizard was 86%

We close the 2011 College Football Season at 710 and 192 or 79%.

That’s a whole lot of college football game picking my friends

Now before you start to get your Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer underwear in a knot because the college football season is over, let me remind you that we still have the Bowl games to discuss and maybe a story or two to keep you entertained during the Christmas season.

So Stay Tuned…

But before I forget, I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah or a Crazy Kwanza or a Randy Ramadan or whatever it is people celebrate now days.

And as a holiday safety tip….

If you are approached by what would appear to be one of “Santa’s Elves” in your local Shopping Mall and he asks you “if you would like to see the free summer sausage give away”

Don’t say a word, just avert your eyes, turn around and go find a policeman.

And before you ask “No” I don’t want to talk about it

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, High School football season is officially over now.
All the championship trophies have been given out, lights turned out in the stadiums and fields, and the kids have moved on to basketball and other activities. It’s always a little sad when winter sets in and I get up on Saturdays to find the sports pages now feature stories of Bowl games and basketball and the High School football tales have faded away. But, that’s the way it’s always been and will always be. I’ll continue to keep an eye out for a little recruiting news from the colleges or some Telfair High basketball or baseball write ups, biding my time, until the Friday Night Lights of the fall once again light the stage for another encore performance of a game we all love so dearly.

But there was one game that I watched Saturday that should have been on the National Stage. Ghosts of Erk were stirring in Statesboro once again as the Georgia Southern Eagles played another game on their road to the Football Championship Subdivision National Championship. And oh, what a game it was. This game featured running and passing, penalties and turnovers, and was in doubt until the last few ticks of the clock. That bust of Erk in the endzone of “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America” surely smiled as he gazed on the scene as these proud Birds clawed their way to a hard earned 35-23 victory over a feisty bunch of Maine Black Bears. Jaybo Shaw, the transfer quarterback from North Avenue, scored 2 touchdowns on the ground and 1 through the airways as the Eagles racked up 476 yards of total offense on a chilly day beside Eagle Creek. Chipping in with another couple of touchdowns and 99 yards on the ground was JJ Wilcox, a Junior Running Back from Cairo, Ga. And for those of you that don’t know, down here it’s called “Kay-row”.

Also contributing were Dominique Swope, a Freshman from Buford, Ga, Jonathon Bryant, another Cairo native, Nico Hickey, of Columbus, Darreion Robinson, an Athens native, and bruiser Robert Brown from Macon. After a difficult week last week against Old Dominion, the defense stiffened early and held the Bruins to under 75 rushing yards. In fact, the Eagles had the ball in the first quarter for 14 of 15 minutes after an interception of the Black Bears on their second play of the game and 2 time consuming drives by the Eagles. The Blue Birds sent the Bears home with the Statesboro Blues as a late interception by corner Jerrick McKinnon, a converted quarterback from Marietta, sealed the deal for the home team. At that point, and as is tradition at Paulson stadium, the rowdy and fired up fans pulled out and shook their car keys, symbolically telling the visiting Bears to drive home safely. Next up for the Eagles is a tough and gritty North Dakota State Bison team at their house in Fargo, ND. I’m sure Coach Jeff Monken will carry on the tradition of bringing a little of that beautiful Eagle Creek water with him to bless the North Dakota State field with and bring these high flying Birds a little luck in their quest for an unprecedented 8th National Title Crown. Good Luck Eagles!!!!

Looking down the road to the New Year’s festivities our other home state teams will be involved in a little bowl action. Georgia Tech will be taking on Utah in the Sun Bowl in El Paso and the Georgia Bulldogs will travel to Tampa to take on the Michigan State Spartans.

I’m going to steal a little of the Wizards thunder today and make a couple of predictions on these games. I believe that the Red Clay Hounds are gonna have a bitter taste in their mouth after falling to the Bayou Bengals at the SEC Championship Game. That 10 game winning streak wasn’t a fluke. The Spartans will still be smarting after falling to Wisconsin for the Big 10-ish Championship, but I just don’t think they have enough to get it done against a tough SEC defense with revenge on their minds. The Dawgs have enough offense to push them over the top on this one, so, I picking the Canines in a close one, 24-21.

Meanwhile, The Wreck was up and down at times this season. After losing 4 of their last 6, the question is, will the defense step up and show some heart and will the Utes, with over a month to prepare, be able to stop the Stingers’ offense? There’s a lot on the line for the Slide Rule Jocks as they want to finish strong and go into next year’s recruiting battles with positive momentum. I’m feeling another close one with the Bee’s pulling off a 28-27 nail biter.
Let’s hope our home state heroes play well!!!

In closing, this edition, I wanted to share with you some things that I thought about while reviewing and pondering this 2011 College Football Season.

I like Mark Richt. Stoic. Unemotional on the sideline. He’s taken a lot of heat over the years because he’s “unemotional” and doesn’t get “fired up” on the sidelines. For those who think this is what wins championships and ballgames think about this. I never remember Bear Bryant or Vince Dooley doing cartwheels on the sidelines and those two gentlemen did a pretty respectable job over their tenures.

I like the workmanlike attitude of the Alabama Crimson Tide. I seldom, if ever, saw the chest thumping and self adulation after making a play by any of Nick Saban’s team.
Play like you been there before. That kind of sums it up

I like the traditions of football in the South.
They’re still alive and will probably live on until the end of time.
The tailgating.
Howard’s Rock at Clemson.
Toomer’s Corner in Auburn.
The Grove at Oxford.
UGA, the great mascot of the University of Georgia.
Revered symbols of Southern tradition. We can’t celebrate the old South without offending the politically correct, but we can, by God, beat the snot out of your football team and send you back up North or out West with your tail between your legs. Maybe this is what was meant by that saying, “The South shall rise again.” It has.

I like Saturdays in the South. Not all of us can go to Athens, Atlanta, Gainesville, or Columbia. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t loyal fans. As someone should have said, “We cling to our Bibles and Guns…. and our favorite college football teams.” We work the fields or cut the lawns, rake the leaves and wash the cars, around the most sacred time of the week; Kickoff.

I like my boys. They’re not big jocks. They weren’t overachieving athletes in High School.
In fact, my two oldest only played baseball in their High School days. The youngest played a little peewee football and seemed to have a knack for it but never pursued it as he got older. My oldest and youngest are Bulldog fans. My middle son is a Tech fan. I’m split between the two. But, the bottom line, and most important thing is that they are all college football fans.
No matter how much of a strained relationship that we may have had from time to time while they were growing up, we always had that common bond of College Football. College Football has been described as a religion here in the South, and that’s true. But it’s more. It is a meeting place for us to share joy, or make peace with each other after a terrible disagreement. It’s a bond between fathers and sons. Mothers and daughters. Parents and kids.

Well, that’s about all I’ve got for this week. I hope I haven’t bored you with some of my personal insights. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,

As a leading advocate for college athletics and collegiate activities, I felt compelled to send you a note of explanation for why the prestigious institution of higher learning that I represent has decided not to play the National Anthem prior to sporting events.

We here at Goshen College, are representatives of the Mennonite church. We have a pacifist outlook on life and conduct ourselves by staying true to those pacifist traditions. We utterly abhor violence and aggression. You see, we feel that it is against our principles to use war as a way of defending our country. We could use much more civil and humane ways of defense to do so. For example, if Canada were to try to invade our sovereign nation, we propose that all Marines and Soldiers line up at the border and hold hands. Canada’s troops would do the same. At this point the opposing “warriors” would play a rousing game of Red Rover!!!

No one would get hurt, save a few strained biceps but it would be completely safe and act as a team building exercise between our two nations. As a matter of fact, in light of our pacifist traditions, we recently proposed some rule changes to the NCAA regarding the violence exhibited on the football field.
One of those was that rather than tackling an opponent who is carrying the ball, that we instead have a defender impede the progress of an opposing running back, ask him to lay down in a prone position, and then have said defender lay gently atop said offensive player. This will instill a kind of gentle aura to the heretofore violent nature of this game.

I hope you understand and support our position.

Thank You
Jim Brenneman
President
Goshen College

A: To tell you the truth……
I had a difficult time reading your email with my Gay-Dar going off…

Q: MR WIZARD!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!
Have you been watching those NFL games on the television?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY DREAMBOAT AND ALL TIME LOVE OF MY LIFE MR TIM TEEBOW DO HIS THANG!!!!???? Lordy, I caint hardly stand myself right now!!!

I watched that Broncos and Chicargo game and just about tee-teed in my paints I was so EXCITED!!! He went and won hisself another one of those big games!!! And do you know what else? Well, let me tell you because I betcha don’t!! Remember that lady comedic girl Mrs Carol Burnett? Remember how she’d go to tuggin and pullin on her ear at the end of her show to give a shout out or say howdy to somebody special?

Well, guess what my momma Raylene told me?? She said that whenever my darling and sugar dumpling Tim Tebow went to wiping his nose that it was a special SHOUT OUT TO ME!!!!!

I sat there Sunday glued to my TV set and he musta wiped his nose about a dozen times!!! Did you see???? AND THAT WAS FOR ME!!!!! I get goose pimples just thinking about that!!!

The only thing that kinda concerned me was that there was a couple of times that he actually stuck a finger in his nose. Do you suppose that means what I think it means? I mean I’m not that kinda girl and he’s a fine young man and I don’t think he’d do such a thing when we barely know each other. But then, I got to thinkin about that Presdent we had by the name of Bill Clinton when he got in that trouble with that little secretary girl Marsha Lowenstien and how he said that some things folks do to each other aint really sex and I just don’t know.

Mr Wizard, do you think that Tim Tebow wants to perform some carnal act of nature on me? Please let me know. I don’t want to get knocked up and be a unwed mother.

Our trailer house aint quite big enough for another baby. I’m depending on you Mr Wizard!!!

Tracy in Homassassa

A: Before you get too lathered up Tracy, have you asked Santa for your Timmy this Christmas?

Q: Dear Jackass

I can’t believe somebody hasn’t run your dumbass out of town over all the crap you write about some football teams, there must be a whole bunch of folks from Trojans to War Eagles that would like to string you up!

You must have more enemies than Iran by now; do you have to leave your house in a disguise to go to the grocery store? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Anonymous – Columbus, Ohio

A: Well “Anonymous” it’s a lot like when Johnny Cash sings….
“Wanted man in California,
Wanted man in Buffalo
Wanted man in Kansas City,
Wanted man in Ohio

Wanted man in Mississippi,
Wanted man in ole’ Cheyenne

Wherever you might look tonight you might see this wanted man

I might be in Colorado,
Or Georgia by the sea
Working for some man who may not know who I might be

If you ever see me coming and if you know who I am

Don’t you breathe it to nobody ’cause you know I’m on the lamb.”

EDITORS NOTE: Anytime I can work in a Johnny Cash quote it’s going to be a good day

THE 2011 CFB WIZARD AWARDS

The Michael Jackson Never Land Ranch Award

The winner of this award goes to former Penn State Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky for reasons that should be abundantly obvious.

EDITORS NOTE: Like you I have read several articles from a number of publications that stated that the other coaches on the Penn State staff, to include the head coach “should have known” something was going on with Jerry Sandusky.

I am confused by such comments and I will tell you why…
Because it’s very difficult to say what goes on with someone when you are not at work with them, even if you work long hours together over long periods of time.

If someone you work with has a drinking problem, you might, on an occasion smell alcohol on their breath, but in this case I would think it would be more difficult to detect the smell of cotton candy and ten year old boy butt.

I’m sorry, Too soon?

Santa’s Little Helper Award

This is a new award is presented to that college football team or individual that has exhibited the ability to touch lives around the country through their work “Off the Football Field”

The first recipient of this very important award goes to none other than…..

Former Ohio State Buckeye Coach Jim Tressel for his extensive and noteworthy performance in the popular children’s Christmas Program “Santa Opens a Tattoo Parlor”.

Congratulations Jim!

Quotable Coach of the Year Trophy

The winner of the “Coach’s Quote of the Year Trophy” goes to Montana Tech Coach Bob Green when he said; “Those guys we are playing this week are rougher than a Pine Cone toilet seat”

Enjoy a few more classic sound bites from Coach Green here, they are priceless.
Click on the picture and enjoy….

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Two Bits, Four Bits, Six Bits a Dollar everyone that has a head coach whose wife looks like a ten dollar hooker stand up and Holler Award

This unusual Award goes to none other than the Arizona Wildcats for hiring Rich Rodriguez who felt obligated to bring his wife Rita to the “Welcome to Arizona” news conference.

And although Rita Rod was dressed more like a five dollar crack whore, she was the closest contestant to winning this prestigious honor.

Who am I kidding she was the only one in the running.

Congratulations, I think

The Ebonics Geography Award

This prestigious award goes to the team and or conference that exhibits a complete lack of geographical awareness and the winner is…..

The Big East Conference

Who recently added Boise State, San Diego State, Houston, SMU and Central Florida to their (BIG EAST) conference and unless I missed something there isn’t anything “EAST” about any of the teams mentioned above.

Newest Catch Phrase that can be used in Almost Any Situation Award

The latest “catch phrase” that can be used in almost any situation:

“The Monkey Turd fell off the Cheese”

As in….

Stanford’s Andrew Luck looked like he was going to win the Heisman Trophy and then his Monkey Turd fell off the cheese”

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me for this phrase, it’s what I do. I’m a trend setter.

Mystery of the Year Award

This Award sponsored in part by Agatha Christie goes to none other than the Kansas Jayhawks who have created quite the mystery by making us all wonder…..

Is there a minimum weight requirement to be the head football Coach at Kansas?

Lewis Grizzard Award for Media Savvy and Abstract Thought

This award named after the greatest Southern humorist that ever lived…..

The award goes to the former Head Coach of Coastal Carolina Bennett Presser for this post game news conference this past season which quickly became a YouTube sensation.

Sadly the University let Coach Presser go at the end of the season after posting a 7 -5 record, but his words will live forever in our hearts.

Click here to view the embedded video.

That Drunk Guy at the Game Award

This award is given annually to the guy who best represents his or her University or college as the most obnoxious or stupid representative of their fine institution while under the influence of alcohol at a college football game.

The runner-up in a very close contest…..
From burning their own respective couches to tackling trashcans, the Mighty West Virginia Mountaineer Fans are always in the running for this award.

Click here to view the embedded video.

And the Winner is…..

This Ohio State Fan representin’ the Buckeyes.
This example of excellence in over intoxication will forever be remembered for his efforts and the indelible stains left on the floor. AND, he gives Ohio State a big win in SOMETHING this year, so congratulations!

Frankly the video is simply to gross to show….
But suffice to say I think at some point we have all seen vomit….

How Proud his parents must be….
Now THAT is money well spent on a quality education!

The National Spelling Bee Award

The Winner is……
Auburn University for their perennial prowess in misspelling their own name

The Phil Fulmer Award sponsored by Krispy Kreme

This award goes to Kansas Jayhawk Coach Charlie Weiss who continues to defy the forces of nature and gravity by eating his weight in Ding Dongs, Hot Dogs and Bear Claws on a daily basis.

The Worst Mascot in Collegiate Sports Award

I really don’t see any University ever unseating the Geoducks of Evergreen State for this award.

That mascot looks like ah, well you know…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

The “Our Cheerleaders Are Also On The Scout Team” Award

This award goes to those precious girls roaming the sidelines of Georgia’s Sanford Stadium. This Bulldog eye candy is 100% Prime Cut Beef and will kick your ass if you don’t stand up for the National Anthem.

The Collard Greens Award for Southern Sports Writing presented by the Demopolis Alabama Agriculture Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama.

Modesty prevents me from telling you the first four time winner of this prestigious award in Southern Sports writing is none other than Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

Your adulation embarrasses me…

Have a Great Weekend…
Your first installment on the Bowl picks will be out tomorrow, so stay tuned…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We have come to the last week of the 2011 College Football Season.

The selections and follow-on articles this week will be a little light as I am on a promotional tour, but stay tuned.

In the coming weeks we will have Season Ending Awards and all Your Bowl Games.

And a few weekly “surprises” for you all this Christmas.
After all Santa has informed me that you have been “very” good this past year.

Don’t ever underestimate the reach of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND REPLAY

With Conference Championship weekend left in Bedlam last week…
The CFB Wizard was 23 and 3 or 88% on Week 14. And that leaves The Wizard at 704 and 191 or 79% overall for the 2011 College Football Season.

It’s hard to believe I have picked 895 College Football games this season.
If I have forgotten to tell you lately…..

Thank you all for coming along on the ride with me this season.
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoy bringing it to you.

You all make this column a labor of love and I thank you for that.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC Country!
I’m sorry about dropping out of sight last week but I was so devastated by the loss of Larry Munson that I volunteered myself for cooking duties at the annual Hanesworth family reunion that was held at the Little Olcmulgee State Park last weekend.
You just don’t get any better food fare than all that fried chicken, collard greens, and pecan pies and other fare that the ladies bring to this get together. That is, with the exception of the hogs we barbeque on the pits the night before the big event. We all know that the hometown Telfair Trojans’ season ended a few short weeks ago but we have some good news related to the Boys in Blue. The 2-A All Region Players were announced and Big Blue was well represented this year. Congratulations go out to Big Brandon Roberson, a Senior Offensive lineman, Junior Defensive Lineman Abraham Freeman, Zac “The Mac” Pitt a do everything Senior Linebacker, and Shifty Special Teamer Ladwam Mackley, also a Senior. Junior Running Back Devin Edwards, Sophmore Center Jacob Smith were selected to the second team. Also, a second team selection at Defensive Back was Ladwam Mackley, demonstrating this young man’s versatility.
Congratulations to these hard working young men who have represented us so well this year!!!

Saturday afternoon in Hot’lanta was the day of the Big Game at the Dome.
The SEC Championship, featuring the Champions from East, the Georgia Bulldogs, taking on the Behemoths of the West, the LSU Tigers, in a David and Goliath matchup for all the marbles.
The Red Clay Hounds came out of the gate fast and took a 3-0 lead early, for an early knock down of the Bayou Bengals. It could have been worse as a sure touchdown was dropped in the end zone, but the Field Goal was an early warning to the yellow cats that the Pups were in it to win it. Coach Mark Richt reached into his bag of tricks and stunned the Bayou Bengals by recovering an onside kick on the ensuing kickoff and was set to draw more blood.
However a missed Field Goal left the Canines’ fate in the hands of the defense. Then late in the 1st quarter, Aaron Murray hooked up with shifty Aaron White to go up by ten on the Tigers. In the meantime, the defense was holding the Feline’s to numerous 3 and outs as it looked like if the Hounds could keep up the mo, the upset would be on. But it wasn’t to be. Maybe the pressure was too much for some of these fiesty hounds, as there were numerous drops and miscues that kept the Cow College off the board for the rest of the game. And this fact is what allowed the Swamp Cats the opening they needed to claw their way back into the game and walk away with a 42-10 victory and the SEC Championship. Congrats to the Dawgs, Coach Richt, and Bulldog nation for a great season.

Meanwhile, over by Eagle Creek, the Statesboro Birds were hosting the Old Dominion Monarchs in an FCS championship game that saw over 100 points combined put up on the scoreboard. The Eagles scored on 8 of 10 possessions, and needed every point they got, in holding off a pesky OD team intent on upsetting the 3rd ranked FCS team in the nation. This game was a see-saw battle for most of the day, with each team matching each other score for score much like a couple of heavyweight boxers. But, the Blue Birds defense finally got a stop on the determined Monarchs as they stuffed a 4th and 1 attempt at the Eagles’ 40 yard line. The birds then drove to the Monarchs 2 yard line but were stopped by a fumble. On the next ODU drive, the Monarchs had a miscue of their own, as Lavelle Westbrooks picked up a fumble to give the Eagles another possession. In the end, the Statesboro Blue Birds walked away with a 55-48 win in a game that was in doubt to the end. Next up for the Eagles are the Maine Grizzlies who dispatched App State. Hopefully the mystique of Paulson Stadium will prevail again as the Eagles are 31-3 in postseason play at the “Prettiest Little Stadium in America.”

Up in Charlotte, the Clemson Tigers were looking for a little redemption and consistency as they were trying to right the ship after a big loss to instate rival South Carolina. The heat got turned to white hot on Friday as Gamecock commentator Todd Ellis made a comment that somehow got attributed to Coach Steve Spurrier and the response by Tiger Head Coach Dabo Swinney went right for the jugular. And the Tigers obviously came out with a chip on their shoulder as they swapped blows with the Gobblers in the first half but then put the game away in the second half with 28 unanswered points. The Orange Cats cruised to a 38-10 victory over the Turkeys and earned a spot in the Orange Bowl with the win.

Meanwhile, in Stillwater, Oklahoma the Cowboys broke the Sooners like a 2 year old gelding in a 44-10 shellacking of Oklahoma.
This game was never in doubt as O.K. St broke out to a 24-3 lead and never looked back.
The implications of this game were enormous and puts the BCS National Championship game selection committee in a quandry.
Will they go for the rematch with Bama and LSU? Will they decide that winning that Conference Championship by OK State is enough to put them in the National Championship Game? I guess the answer, according to the BCS bowl committee is an Alabama vs LSU deathmatch for the Heavyweight Championship of the World!!!
This will be better than Mr Wrestling #2 and Andre the Giant in one of their grudge matches from a bygone era.

That’s it for this week from Telfair County.

For those of you that sent The Wizard an email questioning my whereabouts last week; thank you.
Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week. And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.
Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

A BRIEF COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTARY

As you all know by now I don’t mix and match my sports, ater all this column isn’t intended to be the Golden Corral of Sports, were you can get a side plate of soccer with ranch dressing to go along with your college football and then have a selection of NASCAR and Basketball for desert.

No, this column is and will always be about college football.

So I want to talk about one former college football player here.

He was one of the greatest college football players to ever play the game.

He now plays in the National Football League

He is the fodder for comedians and the national media.

The “national” sports media seemingly hates him and do you know why?

Because he’s a good guy, yeah I said it; because he’s a “good” guy
His name is Tim Tebow.

Before you start to roll your eyes and say “Here he goes again”

Let me say this…..

In this age of “professional” sports were its “all about me”
It’s impotant to know that there is at least one guy that is above it all.

With permission from Peter King of Sports Illustrated I reprint this brief article on former Florida Quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and his closing comments after last week’s victory.
Before I let Tebow go, I asked him if anyone after the game — coaches, players, execs — had said anything memorable to him.
“Everybody was happy,” he said, “but I’ll tell you one thing that happened during the week that I remember … ”
Good, I thought. John Fox, maybe, sidling up to him and saying something sportingly profound like, “Son, we’re going to ride that left arm and those legs to the Super Bowl.”

” … I had an opportunity to talk with a kid named Blake Appleton, from Florida, on Thursday. He’s a leukemia patient who’s just been moved to hospice. And after the game, when I was being interviewed on TV, I got to say his name. That’s what I’m proud of today. I let him know people cared about him. I let him know God has a plan for him.”
And that was the end of the Tebow interview.

He had to rush to get on the bus to the airport. Except …
“Have a good day, Mr. King. And God bless you”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said…..

THE GAMES

Friday December 9th

Northern Iowa at Montana
This game played in beautiful balmy Big Sky Country is the second round of the playoffs in this division of College Football.
It’s going to be a battle in the trenches in the frozen tundra.
As the Good Lord intended football to be played…..
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-21

Saturday December 10th

Division II Playoffs
Delta State at Pittsburg State
I know the Gorillas (Yes, I said “Gorillas”) of Pittsburg are favored in this game.
But I am an Okra Man
FIGHTING OKRA 31-28

Army and Navy
This classic matchup is what college football is all about
The name alone brings to mind some of the finest players to ever play the game.
But more than that, it has forged some of the greatest leaders this country has ever known.
May it always be so
GO NAVY 24-17

Montana State at Sam Houston State
The Bobcats are hotter than a stolen pistol but….
Sam Houston is the Hero of San Jacinto and Republic of Texas…
Yeah, it’s like that with me
SAM’S CATS 34-17

Grambling State at Alabama A&M
I have nothing but love, admiration and respect for the Great Grambling football program.
But I can’t go against my Alabama Boys….
BULLDOGS 24-21

Maine at Georgia Southern
I cannot in good conscience pull for any team that is ten miles from the Arctic Circle and promotes “baby seal beating” as an extracurricular activity.
I have too many Navy SEAL friends that would be disappointed in me if I endorsed that kind of behavior.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-21

Lehigh at North Dakota State
I cannot and will not pick any school that sounds like it was named after a “smart ass” rich kid.
THUNDERING BISON 34-17

Enjoy Your Games….

And one other thing….

Wednesday 7 December was the 70th Anniversary of the Japanese Attack on Pearl Harbor.

It was “A Day that will Live in Infamy”

I haven’t forgotten that day and I know others haven’t either, but one thing bothers me.

A dear friend of mine sent me this philosophical question in an email:
This Wednesday will be the 70th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. And here is the key ….

70 years later we still call it the “Japanese” attack.

But 10 years after 9/11 political correctness dictates that we can’t call that the Islamic attack on America.

God Bless the Boys of 1941 and all the Boys and Girls that answered their country’s call to War after the Islamic Attack on our Country.

Don’t Forget Them

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Thanksgiving is here and it’s time for us all to be thankful and count our blessings; and this Thanksgiving with have a menu full of hard feelings, rivalries and animosity.

For your viewing pleasure we have Civil Wars, Clean Old Fashioned Hate, Battles and Bells, Showdowns, Golden Boots and a variety of Cups, one is even an Apple Cup.
Then we have a Bowl of Iron.

So set back and relax, while you can; It’s Rivalry Weekend

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather surprising (All things considered) 47 and 16 or 75% last week.
That leaves me at 635 and 180 or 78% after 12 weeks of the 2011 college football season.
But let’s not focus on the negative here.

It’s Thanksgiving and I am more of a Norman Rockwell traditionalist when it comes to this wonderful holiday. I know that’s “old fashioned” but I enjoy it.

There are so many traditions, too many to mention, and certainly each family has their own traditions they adhere to this time of year.
And for many of us it’s a time of deep reflection and melancholy as we remember the Thanksgivings of yesterday.

But I think perhaps my favorite Thanksgiving tradition is when sometime during the festive weekend I get all liquored up and decide to make some bad decisions.

Don’t judge me; half of you are planning on doing the same thing.

Have a Great Thanksgiving

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello, to you all. I went to a football game Friday night and watched some college ball on Saturday. But, this week, I’m not going to write about those games because a guy you may have heard of, originally from Minneapolis Minnesota, died Sunday night and I’m sad.
His name was Larry Munson. I loved listening to that man. I know if you are a Georgia Bulldog football fan, you loved listening to him too. Larry was like us. He was one of us.
When me and the rest of the folks down here go to see the Telfair Trojans on a Friday night, we don’t care anything about Clinch, or Hawkinsville, or Wilcox. We’re pulling for our team to beat anybody that walks on that field against us.

Maybe that’s why we loved Larry Munson so much.
Because he didn’t care anything about Florida, or Alabama, or Auburn, or Tennessee.
He wanted to see HIS Bulldogs….Our Bulldogs, win every time they stepped out on the field. Maybe we loved him so much because there are so many more Bulldog fans all over the great state of Georgia that can’t get to Athens on Saturdays and watch a game and he was our link to Sanford Stadium, Bryant-Denny, Jordan-Hare and all those other revered cathedrals spread across the South.

We loved him because he brought those Dogs into our trucks and tractors and homes every week before there was ESPN or Fox Sports or Sports South or an SEC Network.

Back in those days, down here in the country, we only got one, maybe two TV stations. We might see our home team once maybe twice in a season if they were up in the Top 10 of the polls. So, we turned on the radio and tuned in the local station and went about our day on the tractor pulling a bush hog, riding to the barber shop to get the weekly haircut, or sitting on the front porch with a cold glass of iced tea, and listened. And Larry was always there to prod, push, and cajole those Bulldogs to another victory or heartbreaking defeat. He didn’t wax poetic about what was going on during the game.
He just talked, and yelled, in that unmistakable Larry Munson voice, with that unmistakable description of the events that were unfolding on the field and told us what was going on. Sometimes he didn’t even tell you what had happened on the field. But you knew. “Run, Lindsay, Run…”, “We just stomped them in the face with a hobnail boot…”, “My God Almighty, He ran through two men. Herschel ran right over two men!! They had him dead away inside the nine!!!”

For those of us my age, we grew up with Larry. I’m in my 50’s and remember those balmy September afternoons riding to Workmore or McRae with my daddy. He always had the radio on the Bulldogs games on those Saturday afternoons. He wasn’t an emotional man, but when Georgia would score, or stuff a drive, or kick a field goal, and Larry was working us up to a frenzy, he’d just smile.

I can hear him now……

Can you?

“Whaddaya got, Loran?”

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dude, man, like you’re about extra-terrestrial man.
I really dig your site, man, like it’s really cool.
But, dude, man, check it out.
My names Doobie, and like, maaaaaaaan, you’re not gonna believe this, man.
Like, man, you know how everybody always talks about old dude from LSU, what’s his name? Ahhhh, yeah, that Les Miles dude? Yah, that’s it.
Well, you know, you hear how everybody’s always talking about him eating grass at the games and stuff? Well, check it out, dude. I live down the street from the old dude, you know? Well, when he like first got here I was walking down the street, like just minding my own business, cause my Volkswagon was in the shop.
Well, ole dude is out in his front yard and he’s like real nervous and all and I’m walkin down the road smoking a little weed and he smells it and looks over at me.
Well, dude, he looked like a cop or something, you know?
And I thought I was busted cause he came walking out to the road and he like starts talkin bout how stressed out he is cause he has ADD or something and he can’t tell time sometimes and people get mad at him or something.
And he goes, like, DUDE, is that like a marijuana cigarette and, like, I say yeah, you wanna hit? And he’s like hell, why not? So he sits there and smokes the WHOLE DAMN THING!!! Well, he’s like, dude, this is pretty neat!!! And he starts talkin bout something about a game or something and he’s like man, you gotta hook me up, dude. Get me some more of this stuff!!! So I’m like, okay, dude, chill and don’t talk so loud.
So he gives me a hundred dollars and I start walking off and I turn around and look and he’s like acting like a cow, down on his hands and knees like grazing in the front yard from the munchies. So, I just wanted to tell you Wizard dude like this dudes been getting all my best weed every fall and won’t leave me alone until after January and I don’t know what to do. Can you, like, help me man?

Doobie Jenkins
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

A: Thank you for the considerate email Doobie, but I have one question….
Was “Old Dude” wearing a #7 LSU Jersey?

Q: DEAR SIR!!!!!!!!!!
Didja see that pro football game last night? I mean, I just can’t believe it!!!!
You know I was real upset when my baby and always love Tim Tebow ran away from my Flarda Gaters but I just can’t stay mad at that boy for long.
You know, when I see him given everybody that cute little smile my heart just melts. Well, anyways, them Denver Broncos went and whupped them Yankee boy New York Jets last night!!!!
And you know what else?
I KNEW it was gonna happen even before it did!!!!
See, my cousin that lives up there near Live Oak called me up and said he had this video game or something called The Mad NFL or something.
He said that Saturday after the Care-lina game that he was so upset and distraught that that turncoat Steve Spurrier beat our gaters that he decided to just play that video football.
And he said he played them Broncos against the Jets like a dozen times and he pertended to be Tim Tebow on there and guess what!!!! He said he won every time!!!
So it was like I had me a vision and ESP and all at the same time cause I knew my baby was gonna win that game AND THEY DID!!!!
I truly believe deep in my heart of hearts that my sugar baby Tim Tebow is on a mission. I mean, I know that real life football game aint no video game but I think the Lord Almighty must have him one of those video controller thangs and is makin the love of my life TIM TEBOW WIN!!!!
I mean, I hear them sports folks talkin on TV bout how by beloved Tim couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle when it comes to throwin the ball, but it’s like some kinda divine intervention when he decides to skedaddle and run with that football.
What do ya think of that Mr Wizard!!!
I think Tim Tebow is gonna win him a Super Bowl to go along with his National Championships!!!!!! And you know what else? It’s like destiny cause the Bronco’s has got orange in their uniforms too, just like them FLARDA GATERS!!!!!
Go Gaters!!!!
Tracy in Homassassa

A: What have I been telling you Tracy, “Good things come to those who wait”

Q: Dear Sir,

Although I am world renowned, I have fallen on some hard times lately.
You see, I recently left the sunny climes of Hawaii, in search of more business due to economic reasons. I did extensive research and came to the conclusion that there would be a ‘bountiful’(no pun intended) supply of criminals needing to be picked up in Knoxville, Tennessee. All I had to do was check the sports pages to reach this decision. My problem now is that the University of Tennessee seems to have cleaned up its act a little and business is way off. I am now looking at relocating to another location near an institution of higher learning that has a major football program. I have narrowed it down to Gainesville, Florida and Eugene, Oregon. Could you please provide a little insider knowledge on the possibilities at these two schools?

Thank you,
Dog the Bounty Hunter.

A: You are the Man Dog, I will hook you up with all you need to know about Eugene Oregon and Good Hunting, it should be a target rich environment.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN COLLEGE GAMEDAY: Coach Lee Corso; you almost made me pee on myself last Saturday and by the looks of Kirk, I wasn’t the only one…

We Love you Coach

SOUTHERN MISS: Really Golden Eagles? You lost to UAB?
I am far too upset to say anything else………………….

OKLAHOMA STATE: I am sorry I wasn’t paying attention….

What were you all saying about that 28 year old quarterback being a Heisman Trophy candidate? I thought I heard something about a National Championship game, something or another?

I’m sorry I wasn’t listening; I was watching the celebration in the Ames Iowa…

OKLAHOMA: Sooners, please see above and insert your own cuss words concerning the Baylor Bears

OREGON: I think this picture says it all….

CLEMSON: You lost the damn Textile Bowl…..
And worse you caused me to have a tourette’s attack….

FLORIDA STATE: I am too mad to talk to you at the moment….

MONTANA: Congratulations Mighty Grizzlies on winning “The Brawl of the Wild”

ARIZONA: Soooooooooooooooooo you are going to hire Rich Rod and his ten dollar hooker wife to run the wildcat football program. I have but one thing to say….

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enclosed is a Great Picture of “Rita Rod” going to the Arizona Wildcat News Conference with “Coach Rod”……One word: Classy

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 22nd

Miami (OH) at Ohio
This Buckeye Battle doesn’t have a great deal of hatred involved.
But there is enough animosity to make it fun to watch
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Thursday November 24th

Texas and Texas A&M
The Last Lone Star Showdown…..
I still can’t believe I won’t see another one in my lifetime.
It’s a damn shame….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-21

Friday November 18th

Louisville at South Florida
I am going “Upset Special” in this one…..
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 21-17

Houston at Tulsa
This game will be more offensive than Hillary Clinton in a bikini
(Don’t blame me if you got sick over that visual, you probably ate too much yesterday)
MIGHTY COUGARS 53-38

Iowa at Nebraska
This “new” rivalry in the Big Ten (something or another) is called….
“The Hero’s Game” and it’s played for the “Hero’s Trophy”
I honestly don’t know why anyone would play a football game for a giant Sub Sandwich
But Ok, I guess….
CORN KIDS 28-24

Kent State at Temple
If you are watching this game instead of Arkansas and LSU…..
Then you have too many issues to be addressed in this short column, but please seek professional psychiatric help immediately.
HOOTERS 31-28

Bowling Green at Buffalo
The Bills are to College Football what Richard Simmons is to Fitness.
FALCONS 38-17

Akron at Western Michigan
In a fight between a kangaroo and a Bronco….
(Still not sure why a college in northern Ohio has a kangaroo for a mascot)
I will go with a Kangaroo, maybe because I like Outback Steakhouse
ZIPPY 31-28

Toledo at Ball State
I got it….
The Rocket’s and the Cardinal’s are all excited about this game
I’m waiting on the LSU – Arkansas game, How about you?
RICKY ROCKET 34-31

Arkansas at LSU
This game is called the Battle for the Golden Boot and make no mistake about it…
The two schools, fans and players hate each other
This one can easily go either way…Believe it
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-28

Colorado at Utah
Have I mentioned that Colorado hasn’t won an away game since the Two Utes were just “One” Ute?
TWO UTES 38-17

Boston College at Miami
I will be far to exhausted (Before and After) The Battle for the Golden Boot…
To care about this game, sorry
HURRICANES 28-21

Pittsburgh at West Virginia
They call this game “The Backyard Brawl”
It is that and more….
It’s a war until the final whistle blows
Light Those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-21

UTEP at Central Florida
The Folks from El Paso visit the Boys from O’ Town (Not the musically challenged defunct Boy Band) and there isn’t much to worry about here…
The Knights are Golden….
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-34

California at Arizona State
I was going to watch this game but Turkey makes me sleepy….
Even watching two turkeys like these teams playing football makes me sleepy
SUNNY DEVILS 33-17

Saturday November 19th

Georgia at Georgia Tech
This bitter rivalry is known by a very simple name….
“Clean, Old fashioned Hate” and it’s played for the Governors Cup
Larry, this one is for you….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 34-17

Michigan State at Northwestern
The Spartans are headed to the Big Ten (Whatever) Title Game…
Believe it..
MEN OF SPARTA 28-13

Ohio State at Michigan
This hate filled game is known simply as “The Game”
The animosity and the bitterness lasts for generations.
This one is going to be closer than you might think and could go either way
WOLVERINES 24-17

Rutgers at Connecticut
You aren’t really going to watch this game with all the rivalry games on are you?
I didn’t think so….
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-17

Cincinnati at Syracuse
I really don’t get the Syracuse Mascot….
“Otto the Orange”?
He looks like the Cool-Aide man had a baby with a jar of Tang.
BEARKATS 24-17

Rice at Southern Methodist
This rivalry in the Lone Star State is called “The Battle for the Mayors Cup”
I’m a Mighty Mustang Man (Even though I’m Baptist, not Methodist)
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 43-17

Tennessee at Kentucky
This fierce border rivalry is played for the Bourbon Barrel and Tennessee has owned it
They still do….
VOWELS 21-17

Maryland at North Carolina State
You’re not seriously considering switching to this game are you?
WOLF PACK 28-24

The Second Round of the Division II Playoffs
North Alabama at Delta State
They met once earlier in the season and the Okra Fried the Lions late in the game
The Lions return the favor today…
FLORENCE LIONS 34-31

Troy at Western Kentucky
Helen was the prettiest woman in all of Troy Alabama and since she eloped with that traveling salesman a few years ago the town hasn’t been the same.
TOPPERS 28-24

Wyoming at Boise State
You know what you say when a cowboy falls off his horse?
Cowboy Down!
BRONCO’S 56-10

Nevada at Utah State
The Wolf Pack are going to have their paws full of the Aggies in this one
PACK of WOLVES 38-34

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called “The Civil War” and it’s played for the Platypus trophy
Make no mistake about it, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry.
(I hope like hell I am wrong here)
QUACKS 38-24

Virginia Tech at Virginia
This game in the Commonwealth of Virginia is played for “The Commonwealth Cup”
It’s Thanksgiving, time to go with the Turkeys
FIGHTING GOBBLERS 21-17

Penn State at Wisconsin
The Lions aren’t out of the Big Ten (or Fourteen whatever) Title picture yet
This one will be close, real close….
BUCKY the BADGER 28-17

Texas Tech at Baylor
I have feeling this game is going to be uglier than your Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean Casserole
BEARS 43-17

Florida International at Middle Tennessee State
Thus one might be close, until the Hilton Panther breaks it open
HILTON PANTHERS 33-28

Purdue at Indiana
Ah another Big Ten (or Twenty Four) Rivalry game….
This one is played for the “Old Oaken Bucket”
As opposed to the “keeping it green” mulch monkey recycled bucket
Those are two completely different Trophy’s
BOILERMAKERS 21-17

Illinois at Minnesota
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call it a feeling…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24

Duke at North Carolina
This Rivalry on Tobacco Road is played for the “Victory Bell”
And it will stay with the Tar Heels until Hell Freezes Over..
TAR HEELS 34-24

Vanderbilt at Wake Forest
I’m in an “Upset” kind of a mood….
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COMMODORES 21- 17

East Carolina at Marshall
When these two teams meet it takes me back to November 14 1970…
The day of the Marshall plane crash…..
I haven’t forgotten it; I know the fine people of Huntington haven’t either
This pick is for them….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-24

Missouri at Kansas
This game has been a Border War since before the Civil War….
The Kansas “red legs” against the Quantrill’s Raiders….
This “game” is a Border War and it’s played for the Indian War Drum and the Lamar Hunt Trophy. I’m a James – Younger Man
MO’S TIGERS 43-10

Memphis at Southern Miss
This game is called the “Black and Blue Bowl”
I think the Tigers will leave this game “All Shook Up”
Thank you, Thank you very much..
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

UAB at Florida Atlantic
You don’t have to remind me that the Blazers won last week or that the Owls aren’t playing worth a Hoot. This one is a toss up…
HOOT OWLS 24-17

New Mexico State at Louisiana Tech
I talked this week with Lasso Larry about this game….
He watched a film and the Tech Bulldog mascot happened to be “cleaning” himself
Larry said…..”I sure wish I could do that”
That’s when I said…
“That dog will bite the Hell out of you if you try that!”
BULLDOGS 34-24

Air Force at Colorado State
This Rocky Mountain Rivalry is played for the coveted “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
Aim High…..
MIGHTY FALCONS 28-24

Florida State at Florida
This bitter rivalry is called “The Sunshine Showdown”
It’s going to be ugly
MIGHTY GATORS 24-23

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
Outside the Iron Bowl I can think of no rivalry in college football as hateful as this one
“The Egg Bowl” for the “Golden Egg Trophy”
Houston leaves Oxford with Egg on his face.
BULLY DOGS 33-10

Washington State at Washington
This rivalry in the Great Northwest is played for “The Apple Cup”
Yeah I don’t care either…
HUSKIES 21-17

Clemson at South Carolina
The Battle of the Palmetto State for the Hardee’s Trophy
Or to put it another way….
“The I Hate Your Guts Bowl”
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Iowa State at Oklahoma
I bet the Sooners are glad this game isn’t played in Ames Iowa under the lights
It will still be closer than OU might think…
BOOMER SOONER 34-24

Notre Dame at Stanford
This “big” rivalry game is played for the “Legend’s Trophy”
Don’t feel bad, I don’t care either
CARDINAL 28-24

Louisiana Lafayette at Arizona
I’m sorry, I am still laughing about Arizona hiring Rich Rod….
WILDCATS 17-7

San Jose State at Fresno State
This rivalry game in the land of outrageous property taxes and illegal aliens is called..
“The Fresno State – San Jose State Rivalry Game”
How original…
BULLDOGS 28-24

UCLA at Southern California
This game in the land of Gang Violence and Media Whores is called….
“The Cross Town Showdown” and it’s played for the “Victory Bell”
Yippee Zima for Everybody!
LAME TROJANS 38-21

San Diego State at UNLV
I really don’t care it’s almost time for the Iron Bowl
ANCIENT AZTECS 38-13

Alabama at Auburn
The Great Keith Jackson the voice of College Football (Amen…)
Said this…
“In College Football, there are rivalries and there are rivalries and then…
There is Alabama and Auburn”
This is the Iron Bowl and there is nothing more important.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

Tulane at Hawaii
I better still be celebrating when this game comes on at Midnight on TBS….
WARRIORS electric sliding on RAINBOWS 49-10

Enjoy Your Games….
Happy Thanksgiving to you all

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We are only a week away from Thanksgiving…….

And as we all know that is a special time to be thankful for all that we have, like the hate and animosity that comes with the college football rivalries on the menu the next two weeks.

Ever since the Pilgrims played the Indians to a tie on Plymouth Rock, Thanksgiving is about the cornucopia of college football and the intense rivalries that go with it, that and seeing all the obnoxious relatives that you try and avoid the rest of the year.

We have a lot to discuss, so prepare to get your mean on….

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was Luckier than Andrew but not by much with a 43 and 21 record or 67% (Ouch)

That leaves the CFB Wizard at 588 and 164 or 78% after 11 weeks of college football.

I will be doing a Willie Nelson this week in hopes that my average will take a climb.
And just for the record, by doing a “Willie Nelson”, that does not mean that I will be riding around in a tour bus smoking marijuana, writing music and eating Cheetos.

It means that I am “On The Road Again” and as a side note, I don’t like Cheetos.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

High School football is about as exciting as it gets down here in small town South Georgia on a Friday night. Add to it a little playoff anticipation and folks are just chomping at the bit to get to their local stadiums and cheer the hometown boys to victory and the night is electric. The sights, sounds, and smells wafting over these hallowed football fields make this a special time of the year. I made the short trip down Highway 280 to Rochelle, Georgia to watch the Region 2-A powerhouse Wilcox County Patriots take on the visiting Calhoun Cougars who made the long trip from Edison, Georgia on the other side of Albany, in the first round of the Class A playoffs. The visiting Cats were sporting a 4-7 overall record, while the homestanding Pats were undefeated going into this important game. The Pats scored early and often as they trounced the felines 39-6 in a game that got away from the visitors almost as soon as it started. Quarterback Makail Grace was 10 of 14 for 213 yards in the passing department in just under 2 quarters of play, including a 49 yard pass on the first play from scrimmage to set up Wilcox’s first touchdown. Big Willie Brown carried the mail for the Patriots with 90 bruising yards on 18 carries and elusive Milton Jackson hauled in 3 Touchdown passes and racked up 175 receiving yards on only 6 receptions. This was 2-A football at its finest. The hot Pats now take on the Aquinas Fighting Irish from the Augusta area next week in the Sweet Sixteen round of the playoffs in their quest to take home the trophy.

Congratulations are in order for the Georgia Bulldogs moved another step closer to winning the SEC East with a convincing win over the hapless Tigers from Auburn by a score of 45-7. The Red Clay hounds won in convincing fashion to post their 8th victory in a row on the season. Aaron Murray tossed 4 touchdown passes and broke former Bulldog Mathew Staffords TD record to send the defending National Champions home, declawed and demoralized. You wouldn’t have known this was the Deep South’s oldest rivalry as the hapless felines didn’t even show their claws in a humiliating 35-7 first half as the Cow College scored on 4 of its first 5 possessions and never looked back. The only scoring the Kittens could muster was on a bit of trickeration, which tied the game at 7 early. But, afterward, it was a good, old fashioned trip to the barn for the Barners as the Hounds showed no mercy en-route to a shellacking of their inter state rival, no doubt payback for last years near brawl. Next up for the Dogs are the domesticated house cats from Lexington in a game in which the Dawgs will certainly want to seal the deal to take claim the SEC East title.

On Thursday night in Hot’lanta, the homestanding Bees got buzzed by the Turkeys from Virginia by a 37-26 score. The Slide Rule Jocks couldn’t hold a second half lead and lost any chance of winning the ACC with the loss. The defense was shredded by the Hokies who had over 250 yards rushing. The offense put together some drives but couldn’t sustain momentum as the game slipped out of their grasp. The Jackets take on Duke next week in North Carolina and will try to right the ship after this forgettable night.

The high flying Eagles from Statesboro flew to Spartanburg for an important Southern Conference showdown with a feisty Terrier team from Wofford. However, after the final gun sounded, these birds had thoroughly dominated these toy pups to the tune of 31-10 and captured the SoCon Crown outright. The 9-1 Eagles’ Jaybo Shaw rushed for 3 TD’s and threw a 21 yard scoring strike as a close game and any hope for the Pooches quickly evaporated in the second half. It was evident that the Erk’s Eagles weren’t looking ahead to next weeks huge game against another team you may have heard of….. The Alabama Crimson Tide.

I’m gonna skip the rest of the games inside and outside the conference and get right to the Peach State Prognostication. Seems the Missus has had plenty of “honey-do’s” for me this week and I’m gonna have to get right down to what’s important. That being, what would happen if the “Good Old Fashioned Hate” game were played this week. After the Turkeys laid an egg on Tech and the Cow College grabbed a Tiger by the tail, I’m now a firm believer. The Canines showed me something this weekend in thoroughly humiliating the Plainsmen. The Wreck showed me that not only are they not ready for prime time, I don’t think they’re ready for a big game weekend after next. So here it is, 42-17 in favor of the Flagship University of the Great State of Georgia. The Crystal ball is clearing up, so barring a miracle; I don’t see much in the way of change by the time Turkey Day weekend rolls around. Sorry, Bees.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Sir-

My name is the Right Reverend Jeremiah Kwami Shabazz and I represent all people of color here in the great state of Georgia.
We in the minority community have endured the disparaging characterizations and remarks of the White community for over 200 years, but an indignation of untold proportions has occurred which I feel has permanently damaged the enduring spirit of my brothers and sisters.
Yes, here in Atlanta, in the year 2011, the supposedly prestigious Georgia Institute of Technology has imparted the most racist event since slavery on my people.
There is no excuse for this University conducting a “White Out” at a sporting event in downtown Atlanta. If you do not know, Grant Field is directly across from the poverty stricken, public housing project known as Techwood Homes.
Residents were visibly shaken as the so-called “fans”, if that is what they call themselves, paraded up and down North Avenue in all white attire and face paint and shouting incessantly before and after the football game.
Appalling falls far short of the adjective I would use to describe this tasteless event. What’s next, a halftime cross burning? I beseech you to use your good name and reputation to warn other schools of the error of holding events such as this.

The Right Reverend Jeremiah Kwami Shabazz
Ebeneezer Kingdom of Hope and Change Baptist Church
Atlanta, Georgia

A: Reverend I am at a loss for words…..
Other than to say the Friday after Thanksgiving is known as “Black Friday”, and I hope that you will find solace and comfort in a day…..
when we can all come together to get good deals on a variety of electronics and video games.

Q: Dear Wizard Man –

My name is Feldman Felder and I used to be a purty big time high school quarterback up here in Knoxville.
I mean I’m a real gunslangin fella with a arm that could flling a ball over tha Empire State Building. I’m also a Freshman here at good old Tenn’ssee.

Well, I guess ya’ll heard tha story bout Coach Dooley callin my buddy Derrick on Saturdee afternoon to come in and kick against Middle Tenn’see cause our other kickers got some aches and pain.

Well, let me tell you something I bet you don’t know.
He called me too. He said that if his quarterbacks got any worse he was gonna go ahead and throw me in tha game cause I couldn’t do any worse than the first two guys.
Well, let me tell you, I was proud as a peacock about getting to go up there to that stadium for the game instead of working my part time job.
So, I jumped up from the couch and tried to sober up real quick and beat feat up to the game. I’ll bet you don’t know who else Coach called, do you?
Yep, none other than that fella Houston Nutt. Says ole Houston couldn’t do no worse than his assistants and that he might as well give him another shot at losin more SEC games. So, watch out Mr Wizard, Look out for me next Saturday. I might get my big shot and I want YOU to see it!!!

Feldman Felder – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the email Feldman; we will all anxiously await your moment in the sun as well as the day folks in Knoxville discover “Spell Check”.

Q: Dear Wizard

I got me a hamster named “Hans Solo” (we is all BIG Star War fans in my family)
And that boy can flat pick him some football games!
We also got us a Guinea Pig named “R2D2” but he couldn’t find his furry butt with a flashlight.
Never mind about him, we was a writing to see if you wanted to use Hans Solo as kind of a “Guest Picker” on your column.
Let us know and we will send you a picture of him in his little Hans Solo uniform and forward his picks of the week on to you, what do you say Wizard?
May the Force Be With You

Dale and Deloris – Auburn, Alabama

A: The day I have to depend on an Auburn Fan’s Hamster to make my picks will be the day I retire from this column, but just in case I am keeping your phone number.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN: You have shown us so many pictures of Joe Pa’s house I feel like I have been there…
Seriously, can’t you just leave Joe and his wife alone?
Haven’t they been punished enough already?

PENN STATE: I just have to ask……

So if an older woman is chasing a younger man she is called a “Cougar” right?

Does that mean an older man chasing a younger boy makes him a Nittany Lion?

I’m just asking….

DELTA STATE: The Fighting Okra got fried themselves last week and now the Division II College Football playoffs are wide open.
The Okra better get it together or they will find themselves stewed by the competition.

COLORADO: For all you weather watchers out there…..
It’s True, Hell has indeed frozen over; the Buffalos actually won a home game.

BOISE STATE: I remember reading something from Boise last week…….
How the Southeastern Conference “wasn’t that good” and how much better the Bronco’s were than any of the teams in the Southeastern Conference, to include LSU, Alabama and Arkansas.

The article went on to say that Boise State was “The Best Team” in the country and that they were being slighted by the voters and the BCS committee.

But even with some “very” favorable calls at the end of last week’s game you still couldn’t beat the Horned Frogs on the Blue Turf, so I have to ask; How does that Crow taste this week?

TEXAS: Five points. Five points is all you could muster against MO’s Tigers.
I don’t know whether to be hurt or ashamed.

KENTUCKY: I don’t get it……
The Wildcat Basketball team is ranked Number 2 in the country and their football team is at the opposite of the scale, so what’s really going on?

AUBURN: How is all that “Highest Paid Coaches and Assistant Coaches in College Football” thing working out for you?

OLE MISS: There is one thing you can hang on to this season Rebel Bear Fans….
You have lost most of your games, but you haven’t lost a party.

Congratulations, I think

STANFORD: I am sorry…..
What were you all and the “national” sports media saying about Andrew Luck being “The Greatest Quarterback to ever play College Football”?

I was laughing too hard to hear you, would you mind repeating that again for me?

FLORIDA STATE: The Atlantic Coast Conference referees did everything in their power to keep the Hurricanes in the game in the fourth quarter and you still prevailed.

Congratulations and one other thing….

The SEC wants their referees back, we can’t have another conference with umpires more jacked up than ours, it sends the wrong message, you understand.

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 15th

Ball State at Northern Illinois
I think this one will be high scoring Barn Burner, Just a guess….
SHAGGY DOGS 41-38

Wednesday November 16th

Ohio at Bowling Green
In this Battle of Buckeyes I am going with Frank’s Cats in a close one…
As one would expect…
FRANK’S CATS 29-28

Western Michigan at Miami (OH)
I don’t know about this one, it’s a toss up….
So I will just have to rely on “Prognosticators Intuition” on this game
BRONCO’S 24-21

Thursday November 17th

Marshall at Memphis
I am not sure but I think Elvis has left the building….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-17

Southern Miss at UAB
The Mighty Golden Eagles are on an eight game winning streak and the Blazers are on an incredible “not game winning streak”, so there you have it.
MIGHTY GOLDEN EAGLES 38-14

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
We are far to close to Thanksgiving to go against the Fighting Gobblers
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Friday November 18th

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You do know I’m kidding right?
COWBOY UP! 53-21

Toledo at Central Michigan
This big game in the something or another conference is going to decide “something” really important that few of us actually care anything about.
RICKEY ROCKET 31-28

Saturday November 19th

Citadel at South Carolina
O’ Yeah this one will be “really” close…..
GAMECOCKS 38-6

Minnesota at Northwestern
I have a feeling in this one; I just hope the “feeling” I have wasn’t caused from ill prepared Mexican Food on dollar margarita night.
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Wisconsin at Illinois
Heads of Cheese and Pumpkins O’ Fighting….
Ah Thanksgiving, one of my favorite times of the year…
BUCKEY BADGER 43-24

Nebraska at Michigan
The Wolverines should have seen enough horror movies by now to know what happens when you mess with the Children of the Corn, (Spoiler Alert!) It doesn’t end well.
CHILDREN of the CORN 31-17

Kansas at Texas A&M
This game is going to be uglier than Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean Casserole.
And for the record there is no known intestinal defense involved in that contest either.
GIG EM AGGIES 43-28

Kentucky at Georgia
I don’t know what it is about a football that seems to confuse the folks in Bluegrass Country….
Is it the pointed ends? Because when you round that football out, the Wildcats are hard to stop.
I don’t get it….
SIC EM DAWGS 43-10

Samford at Auburn
Mmmmmmmmmmmm Cupcakes….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 43-0

Army at Temple
I think the Black Knights of the Hudson will overlook the Hooters in preparing for the Mighty Midshipmen, it’s just a guess….
HOOT OWLS 28-24

Furman at Florida
I know Furry Man has had a decent season, but he is no Swamp Thing.
GATOR CHOMP 38-10

Charleston Southern at Presbyterian
Buccaneers and Blue Ho’s in this Carolina Collision….
It should be a good one….
BLUE HO’S 34-24

Eastern Michigan at Kent State
The Flash continues to baffle me this season….
In games they should win, they lose…
In games they should lose they win….
Here we go again
FLASHES of GOLD 24-21

South Dakota at North Dakota
There will be a whole lot of Dakota in this game, but there is only one….
FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-28

Alcorn State at Jackson State
Alcorn better be Brave if they are lining up against the mighty Tigers of Jackson…
Not that it will spare them from a butt whipping, because it’s coming..
WALTER’S TIGERS 34-17

New Mexico at Wyoming
I am going to do something I haven’t done all season….
“No” not Hula-Hoop while I make my weekly selections (That was last week)
I am picking the Cowboys….
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Georgia Southern at Alabama
The Eagles are one of the Best Teams in the Country and that’s a just a fact…
This game will be closer than you might think.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

Wofford at Chattanooga
My Black Lab “Doc” really likes Woof Woof Ford…..
For reasons that I am not quite sure of….
CHOO-CHOO MOCS 28-21

North Dakota State at Western Illinois
The Leathernecks let me down last week on all things, the Marine Corps Birthday…
They may have “overindulged” during the Birthday celebration; it happens.
THUNDERING BISONS 28-27

Montana at Montana State
This rivalry in Big Sky Country is chocked full of hatred and hard feelings….
It’s called “The Brawl of the Wild” and it’s played for “The Great Divide Trophy”
It’s going to be both a “Brawl” and “Wild”, I am going upset in this one…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-23

Tulsa at UTEP
The Miners are playing more like Mimes and the Hurricanes are picking up steam…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-38

Southern Methodist at Houston
The Mighty Mustangs will keep this game interesting…..
Very Interesting….
COUGARS 38-34

Colorado State at Texas Christian
After last week, there is no way I am going against the Horned Amphibians…
By the way, did you all get my “Thank You” Note?
HORNED FROGS 44-17

Mississippi State at Arkansas
The Hogs better not overlook the angry Bulldogs……
It will be closer than you might think, a whole lot closer
HAWG-ZILLA’S 31-17

Penn State at Ohio State
The Lions were looking at a Big Ten (Something or another) Title just over a week ago…
Now, not so much….
BUCKEYES 24-17

Washington at Oregon State
Two things in this game….
The Huskies are playing more like the little Taco Bell dog this season….
And I am a Beaver Man….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Tulane at Rice
This game will highlight two remarkable academic institutions….
That know absolutely nothing about the game of football.
Enjoy……
RICE CAKES 21-17

Texas Tech at Missouri
There is a “Silver Lining” in this game for the Red Raiders….
I have on good authority that with another devastating loss, the Raiders will be invited to…
“The Potted Meat Bowl” in Texarkana Arkansas…..
I like the slogan for the Bowl game; “Potted Meat, the other sweep meat”
MO’S TIGERS 43-24

Navy at San Jose State
In an effort to provide you readers with quality picks and entertainment, I recently did a Google search on San Jose and the search asked if I meant “Loser-ville”…
Enough said….
MIDSHIPMEN 31-17

Boston College at Notre Dame
This game between two Catholic Colleges is called the “Vatican Bowl” and it’s played for the Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl and the Ireland Trophy.
You know, for a game that nobody is going to watch they are giving out more prizes than the “Wheel of Fortune”
FIGHTING IRISH 35-17

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
Bulldogs and Wolves in this game….
I wonder why they didn’t name this one the “Canine Bowl”?
Sometimes I wonder to much…
WOLVES are PACKING 38-34

Utah State at Idaho
The Aggies have proven to be tough all year….
But Famous Potatoes has the “Ida Honkies”…
So enough said…
IDA MAY 28-24

UNLV at Air Force
It wouldn’t be the first time the folks from Vegas have been bombed….
It’s how they roll….
MIGHTY FALCONS 35-17

LSU at Ole Miss
This game will make you believe there should be a “Mercy Rule” in college football..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 139-0

Central Florida at East Carolina
The Boy’s from O Town (Not the musically challenged defunct boy band)
Are in for a rude Carolina welcoming from the Pirates
Believe it…
PIRATES 38-17

Vanderbilt at Tennessee
I haven’t said this concerning this “rivalry” that really isn’t a “rivalry” in a very long time
It’s going to be close, damn close…and it could go either way.
VOWELS 28-24

Western Kentucky at North Texas
You want to know what’s a fun word to say?
MEAN GREEN 33-24

Colorado at UCLA
Have I mentioned that the Buffalos haven’t won an “away” game since William McKinley was President? I have? Well, never mind then….
BRUINS 24-14

Oklahoma at Baylor
I believe this game is going to be a wild one…..
Or as I like to refer to this type of game, “Where did the Defenses Go?”
BOOMER SOONER 44-38

Southern California at Oregon
Gosh I really wanted to watch this game…..
But I just got a new Sponge Bob Chia Pet and it MUST be watered on schedule…
You understand…
QUACKS 7-6

Kansas State at Texas
I know my beloved Longhorns are an underdog in this one….
But I simply can’t force myself to pick against them, it’s just that simple.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-24

Boise State at San Diego State
Let me guess…..
After this game we will all have to listen to how “Boise is Back in the Championship Hunt!”
O’ the Humanity….
BRONCO’S 49-34

Arizona at Arizona State
This Battle in the Land of Sand and Cactus is called “The Duel in the Desert” and it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I read “The Duel in the Desert” I thought I heard the theme music from one of those Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns.
It’s just me?
Great, those damn voices are in my head again….
DEVILS of the SUN 28-24

New Mexico State at Brigham Young
If the Aggies would let Lasso Larry have a foam rubber six shooter I might feel different about this pick and I will tell you why….
Have you ever tried to “rope” a cat?
That story always ends with a trip to the emergency room….
COUGARS 31-17

Fresno State at Hawaii
Believe it or not, this game is actually a “rivalry game”….
I’m serious….
It’s played for the “Golden Screwdriver”
(I’m serious so stop laughing)
And the Screwdriver of Gold goes too….
WARRIORS SCREWDRIVING on RAINBOWS 43-38

Louisville at Connecticut
I still haven’t given up on Charlie’s Cardinals, those boys are stronger than you might think.
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-17

Utah at Washington State
Ok, so Two Utes meet some cougars in a bar…..
Stop me if you have heard this one….
TWO UTES 43-28

Miami at South Florida
Another Battle in the Sunshine State and as you might expect there is a lot at stake in this game.
The winner gets one of those funny plastic hard hats with beer cans on each side and a “best of” Katrina and the Waves CD. Rock on Hurricanes, Rock on….
HURRICANES 43-24

Maryland at Wake Forest
I was going to watch this titanic matchup in the Atlantic Coast Conference but as you know by now, my new Chia Pet must be watered according to the schedule provided in the instructions and unfortunately this game conflicts with that schedule, sorry.
DEMON DEACONS 34-31

Clemson at North Carolina State
The Palmetto Showdown looms for the Tigers, but until then…..
Enjoy the tasty Wolf Pack….
DABO’S TIGERS 38-28

Georgia Tech at Duke
It was reported this week that more students at Duke “watch” Blue Devil basketball practices than attend home football games. So enough said….
YELLOW JACKETS 89-3

Cincinnati at Rutgers
Despite what my adopted Italian family in Atlantic City says….
This one will be closer than you might think and could go either way
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-24

Virginia at Florida State
If the Seminoles let last weeks referees hang around campus for another week then this game could be closer than you might think.
SEMINOLES 28-24

California at Stanford
This instate rivalry in the land of the fruits and the nuts is called “The Big Game” and it’s played for the “Stanford Axe”……
Yippee…
CARDINAL 6-3

Indiana at Michigan State
Based on the above “rivalry” game and subsequent “trophy”….
I can only say that if this game was played for an “axe” I believe the Loosers would get it planted between their eyes by the Spartans.
MEN of SPARTA 43-13

Akron at Buffalo
The Folks in Buffalo have weather that is almost as crappy as their football teams, but they sure do make some tasty wings.
I do enjoy ending the weekly picks on a positive note…
ZIPPY 31-17

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer Country in Baneberry Tennessee!

I ain’t been a writing cause I’ve been busier than a dog with two tails to chase.
I done finished up a “Christmas Special” for Dollywood called…
“Who Let the Clogs Out”

And….

I still got “Scooter’s” Bar and Grill in Baneberry and some more stuff I will tell you about later.

But we got to talk serious…..
Cause I am here to bring you the State of the Big Orange Nation Address

State of the Big Orange

If you ain’t a Tennessee Volunteer and if you and your babies don’t drool Orange then you might as well as a stop reading, cause this is all about the Big Orange Nation.

Now I know that we Vols ain’t been winning like we was when the Greatest Coach to ever win a Hot Dog Eating Contest Coach Phillip Fulmer stomped the sidelines, but that damn Lame Kitten done screwed us up when he was here and we is paying the price for that mistake.

Just look at this damn picture…..
You can tell Lame and them two idiots next to him ain’t seen the ball since kickoff.

Lame Kitten didn’t belong in Tennessee anymore than Mike Tyson belongs on “Celebrity Jeopardy” and he recruited some boys that were so dumb….
They couldn’t even spell football if you spotted them the “O’s” and the “L’s”.

I mean how damn dumb do you have to be to rob somebody in broad daylight wearing your Tennessee Vol’s practice uniform? At least Coach Fulmer had the good sense to tell them boys to wear a ski mask.

And that damn Athletic Director we had Mike Hamilton, I could have told you not to trust that goober pea. Never trust a man that looks like a Possum. Every time I seen him on the television he was always acting like he was a hunting a sweet potato, know what I mean?

We now got everything in place; we got us a good football coach and a good athletic director.

Remember, Rome Georgia wasn’t built in a day.

And let me tell, we just ain’t been bit by the “injury bug” this year, it’s been a damn plague.
It’s been so damn bad…..
Coach Dooley had to call some fraternity houses on campus last week to get a damn kicker.

So we Vols have had our selves a mountain to climb this year.

But let me tell you something and listen good.

Although me and that damn CFB Wizard don’t see eye to eye on the college football…
Or anything else for that matter.
I got to admit that ole boy is right about one thing.

We ain’t had no arrests this year of any Tennessee football players, not one.

I can’t remember the last time we didn’t have something going on with the Knoxville PD, the Knoxville Fire Department, the Tennessee Highway Patrol, DEA, ATF or the Coast Guard.

Can you?

Which goes to show you that Coach Dooley ain’t putting up with that kind of foolishness.

And I for one am glad and you should be too.

So let’s be patient Big Orange Fans

And let me say a few more things, about yawl that is frustrated and raising ten kinds of Hell about this football season getting liquored up in “Scooter’s” which is my Bar in Grill right here in Baneberry Tennessee.

Show your Tennessee Volunteer Big Orange Spirit!

To show my Volunteer Pride me and my bride (The former Miss Thelma Stroderback who is a hand model for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store, jealous?) went and done decorated our house, hell yeah we done it! And we went whole Hog; we matched the truck with the house, that’s cool as hell ain’t it?

I will tell you something else. The Coaches we got now ain’t just cleaning up the football program, they is cleaning up the football players too.

Don’t you start a laughing about this neither, have you ever been around some ole sweating fellow that’s been a working and a sweating all day? It smells like my Mother-in-laws Tuna Noodle Helper Spam Loaf Casserole, which she is supposed to bring over for Thanksgiving this year.
I could damn near throw up just a thinking about it.

So let’s get behind the Big Orange this year Volunteer Fans, there is plenty of football left to be played and if we win the rest of the games we is going Bowling!

It’s like the sign in the Volunteer locker room says….

BELIEVE IT!

GO VOLS!

Hootie-Out!

Forgive me for a moment….

My friends I am beginning to feel a little old….
Not that I think I am …
Far from it….

But unfortunately I can see it from where I am….
But that’s not the point of this story…

Last week I received a letter from one of the high schools I attended…
No point in going through all that here…
But if you’re keeping count the number is six (6) different high schools
In three (3) different states

EDITORS NOTE: It’s a long story and not important to discuss here.
It has more to do with a “checkered” background than it does with anything else…
And before you ask….

Yes I graduated on time, it’s not like I was 24 when I graduated…
Which by the way…
In Tennessee is considered a “genius”…

The letter in question was from a high school I attended once and they wanted me to attend a particular home game this season (in the old home stadium) were they “expect” an old football record, or soon to be old record of mine to fall to a current student athlete.

Don’t get me wrong…
It’s not like I am Roger Maris or Mickey Mantle and any of my records can’t be broken…
Not that I feel theirs have been legitimately broken…
But that is another story for another time..

But it’s not about some record..
I am not that vain….

Because rules like records are meant to be broken…

And not that I have thought much about it
I don’t get back to that particular town very often…

I wish I could…
I owe them…..
The people in that little town loved a poor kid that didn’t have anything but a dream…
And they cheered for him…
Like it was their job….
I will never forget it…

Sure….
I have had other records broken over time….
And I have attended those events with friends and former players, because I feel it’s important to pass the torch and let that person know they have accomplished something important.
On an occasion they even let me present the ball to the player that broke a particular record

But this one hit me a little different…

Not that I begrudge the young man…
I don’t….
He had to have worked hard for it…
I know his momma and daddy have to be proud..
I am proud for him….

It’s that the “invitation” wanted to know….
If I needed “any assistance” getting to the stadium or needed…
a…
Wheel chair…
Or..
“Special assistance”…

Maybe I am being too sensitive about this….
But I am checking that states current rules for eligibility….

I still have a hundred yard game left in me….
I promise you that…

Now where is that Geritol….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I hope you all survived Halloween Weekend

Last week’s picks had far more “Tricks” than “Treats” in it for me.

Much like Charlie Brown and Charlie Weis I left last weekend with a sack full of rocks.

My sack full of rocks equated to 43 and 23 or 65% for the week….

And that dropped my season average to 79% with an overall record of 492 and 130.

In order to break this seemingly streak of bad luck….
I vow….

This is the last Halloween that I am dressing up like Tennessee Coach Derek Dooley

But I must confess the costume does make me look considerably younger, don’t you think?
And taller…

Enjoy your Picks…..

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

This week’s High School Player of the Week is an 8th Grader…..
Yes, you read that right, I said the “High School Player” of the Week is an 8th Grader

Eighth Grader Ostin McPherson from St. Paul’s High School in Mobile Alabama is a 5-foot-7, 156-pound tailback, who got the start last week because of a season-ending injury to starter Jordan Huff. He starred in the No. 4-ranked 5A Saints’ 36-6 victory over rival UMS-Wright Friday night at Cooper Stadium.

McPherson carried 28 times for 204 yards and scored on runs of 5, 2 and 12 yards. His last carry of the game came with nine minutes left in the lopsided win.
St. Paul’s coach Jimmy Perry was pleased with the way so many of his young players, led by McPherson, responded to the challenge.
“I’m just glad the Mobile Police Department hasn’t arrested me for child abuse for playing such young players in such big games,“ Perry said. “I was really proud of how hard our entire team played.“

St. Paul’s (9-1) did not allow the Bulldogs a first down until the final minute of the first half. By that time, the lead was 27-0.

The Saints reached the end zone on four of their five possessions in the first half, and the first two came on unlikely plays. The first score was a 39-yard pass from Will Brabston to Ryan Myles on third-and-25. The second was a 34-yard TD scramble by Brabston to convert a third-and-29.

McPherson scored his first two touchdowns in the second quarter to open up the 27-0 lead. UMS, which will enter the 4A playoffs with a 6-4 record, got going just before halftime when Gunner Roach connected with freshman Jawon McDowell for a 38-yard pass to the St. Paul’s 1, from where Roach dove into the end zone on the next play.
McPherson’s 2-yard touchdown run with 2:45 left in the third quarter was the only score of the period, and the Saints added Yannick Wildraut’s 33-yard field goal with 7:06 remaining to complete the scoring.

The Saints outgained the Bulldogs 357 yards to 83.

St. Paul’s hosts Woodlawn in a first-round 5A playoff game Friday at 7 p.m.
UMS-Wright visits Greene County in 4A.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, folks, the High School football season ended last night for the Big Blue of Telfair County. The Trojans came up on the short end of a 28-7 score against Lanier County. It was a long trip down Highway 129 to Lakeland but the boys in blue played their hardest and banged out a touchdown against the always tough Bulldogs. It’s been an interesting season here on South 3rd and these boys have put their blood, sweat, and tears into a hard fought season. As I said in an earlier article, we’re not Lowndes or Valdosta or Parkview. No we’re not the 2-A elites. But, what we are is a bunch of hard-scrapple boys from the country who see possibility every Friday night and who fight through every game. These kids don’t expect pats on the back for losing. They know they’re not in a “participatory league” where everyone gets a trophy because they “tried real hard.” They’re tough kids, playing a tough game, in a tough region. Telfair County isn’t Atlanta, or Macon, or Savannah where there’s “loads of stuff to do.”
Some people say we’re in the middle of nowhere. We don’t have a Six Flags, or a Georgia Dome, or nice beach, but we’ve got Jaybird Springs, Little Ocmulgee State Park, and the Milan Harvest Festival. And mostly, we’re good, down to earth, hard working people. We’re Dogs, Jackets, and Eagles on Saturday, Baptists, Methodists, and Presbyterians on Sunday, and working folks during the workweek.
But come Friday night, under the lights, down on South 3rd in McRae Georgia, we’re Telfair-By-God-Trojans. We’re proud of every one of these kids. From #1 Devin Edwards to #94 Willie Wooten. From the starters to the subs. The Seniors to the Freshmen. These boys are learning to be men in what truly is the school of hard knocks. But you won’t hear them complain. You won’t see them quit. You won’t see them in a playoff game…. this year.
But when the season is over, you’ll see them continuing that Telfair tradition of working hard in school, in their part time jobs, and for some, on the basketball team or the baseball team. And that’s what makes us proud to be called TELFAIR COUNTY TROJANS!!!!!

Up in Atlanta they the student body swarmed the field after the Ramblin’ Wreck got after the visiting Cats of Clemson like a swarm of mad hornets. The Calculator Commandos racked up the points and yardage in a 31-17 upset of then #5 Clemson. Without RB Andre Ellington the Orange clad Tigers were pretty much neutered as his understudies were never effective against a ball-hawking Jacket defense. Tevin Washington set a school record for yardage by a QB and the defense took the ball away 4 times. Clemson had been walking a tightrope all season with their defense and it showed today as the Trade School racked up over 380 yards on the ground. Next up for the Wreck is a visit from the Gobblers of Virginia Tech. The Hokies don’t “seem” as stout this year, but with the up and down play of the Bees, you never know what will happen on Saturday.
Down in Jacksonville, the Red Clay Hounds took advantage of an ineffective Reptilian ground game to take a 24-20 decision from the Lizards of Florida. The Gators were clearly dragging their tails as they were held to -19 yards on the ground. John Brantley was harassed all night as the Cow College unleashed the hounds in the victory. It appeared that Georgia was about to again come up short in the first half as they trailed 17-3 before taking advantage of a Gator turnover late in the half to go into halftime 17-10. It wasn’t pretty but a win is a win in the tough SEC. Next up for the Pups is a scrimmage against the Aggies of New Mexico State which should serve as a warm-up before welcoming the Pigeons of the Plains to Athens for another tough game.
Unfortunately the news gets worse, as the Eagles traveled to Boone and were shot down by the Mountain Men of Appalachian State by a score of 24-17. The Pioneers were clearly out to avenge last year’s upset which cost them the #1 spot in the FCS standings and ended their 26 game conference win streak. The Eagles developed a bad case of Statesboro Blues after being held to only 135 yards rushing and just over 200 yards of total offense. Unable to take advantage of opportunities, the Eagles were plucked clean as they were booted from their lofty perch. Next up for GSU is a home game against the mighty warriors of the Citadel in a game of option vs option. The Eagles hope to get back to their winning ways before they make a trip to Spartanburg for a tussle with the Terriers of Wofford in an important SoCon showdown to try to break up a 3 way tie for first in this tough conference.

In Knoxville, the visiting Columbia Chickens took on a hungry pack of Coon Hunters and came away from Neyland Stadium with a win in a game to help determine whether or not the Cocks have adjusted to life without Lattimore or Garcia. Understudy Brandon Wilds filled in for the injured starter and reeled off over 137 much needed yards to help the Gamecocks to a 14-3 win over punch less Tennessee. The Red Roosters are going to need Wilds, Shaw, the defense, and the water boy to chip in next week as they travel West to take on some of the luckiest pork on the planet in Arkansas. The Head Ball Coach will have his hands full this week getting ready for the Hogs as there are no more warm-up weeks for the offense. This could be a make or break week for South Click as they try to stay one step ahead of a pack of Hungry Hounds from Athens in a tight SEC East Race.

Speaking of the Razorbacks, they won by the hair of their collective chinny-chin-chins in sinking the Commodores by a 31-28 score. The Admiralty put up a stiff defense against these Hungry Hogs but missed the mark just as did their kicker on a game tying attempt that sailed wide of the uprights. After leading 21-7 towards the end of the first half Vandy’s ship began to list as they allowed Petrino’s Porkers to outscore them 24-7 down the stretch and come out with a win. One thing Arkansas may want to think about is trying to avoid those early holes they always seem to find themselves in. Those Columbia Pullets have a considerably stouter defense than Vandy, Ole Miss, and Texas A&M. I don’t think the luck will carry over to next week if they once again get down early.

Out West, the Big Trees of Stanford dropped a limb on Lane Kiffin’s Trojans in a game that went to triple overtime. Just when the escapee from Knoxville thought he was going to get that signature win for the season, fate intervenes. An untimely fumble into the end zone sealed the deal for the Spartans as their upset bid was unceremoniously ended. But, it’s okay that just means that the Southern Californians don’t have to suffer the indignity of making it into the top 25 and then not get asked to dance in one of the lesser bowls. Ohio State took a bite out of the Cheese Heads aspirations for greatness this weekend with an upset of their own. I’ve just been scratching my head over the developments in the Big 10-ish and have been trying to answer the question: Who does this conference remind me of? The ACC or the Big East?

And, finally, it’s time for a little Prognosticatin’. Yep, the Peach State Prognostication is Proverbially Puzzled this week. The Dogs are doing just enough to win and the Bee’s swarmed the hive with a convincing win this weekend. And, they showed a little defense in holding the Tigers of Clemson to some season lows. Did the pendulum swing?
Hmmmmm…. We’ll see. One thing is for sure, there’s something going on in Athens. The place is starting to look like North Tallahassee for the last couple of seasons.
If Richt can keep the players out of jail and on the roster I’m predicting 28-27….. Dogs.
Note that 7 X 4 = 28.
Field goals are not a good option for these pups.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
Where has the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet been?
You got him tied up or something? Or is that married life keeping him busy?
We want to hear from “The Man” Hootie Snitch!
The Boy’s From Western Auto and Big Ten Tire – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the email gentlemen. Hootie Snitch will be returning next week with what he is calling his “State of the Orange Nation” address.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Do you have any good news for the Kentucky Wildcat faithful?
Roger – Lexington, Kentucky

A: Yes I do Roger; basketball season is right around the corner.

Q: Dear Wizard Man
I took my girlfriend (Shout out to Miss Mary Beth! I love you girl!)
She smells like the inside of my momma’s purse she does!

Anyway so we was a going to a carnival that come to town and they had rides and everything, like the big ole Viking ship that rocks back and forth in the air, and boy let me tell you that thing goes up higher than my deer stand! I bet you that was what it was really a like riding that boat on the ocean when the Pilgrims come across from wherever they come from.

Hell I almost forgot my question just a thinking about riding on that Viking ship with Miss Mary Beth
(I Love you girl!)
So here is my question – “IF” Auburn wins the rest of them games and “IF” they wins the SEC Championship, will they still have a chance at the National Championship?
Chip – Opelika, Alabama

A: Chip I think you have been spending more time with Miss Mary Beth than you have been watching college football this year, am I right?

Q: You suck! Why don’t you just quit writing all this stupid football crap!
Anonymous – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Thank you Anonymous for taking time out of your busy day to send me this email.
I considered your request…..
And then a quote came to me from the greatest urban philosopher in the 20th Century.
M. C. Hammer when he said….
That I was…
“Too Legit to Quit”
(That song is in your head now isn’t it?)
No Need to Thank me….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

HOUSTON: Congratulations on winning the “Bayou Bucket” in convincing fashion.
Damn convincing fashion….

OKLAHOMA STATE: It was brought to my attention…..
Two weeks ago on the Cowboy Campus in Stillwater Oklahoma “all” the safety posters had been replaced in the various university cafeterias and on-campus eating establishments with the poster below.
I think the picture speaks for itself….

JOE PA and PENN STATE: Congratulations to the Great Joe Paterno…..

Last Saturday Joe Pa became the winningest College Football Coach in History…

There isn’t enough room here to say what Joe Pa means to college football.
Joe Pa is Class.
He is Character
He is one of the best that ever walked the sidelines.

Congratulations Joe Pa, you deserve the record.

TEXAS TECH: After you screwed up my average last week by dropping the game AFTER you defeated Oklahoma, I am now legally changing my name from Buzz O’Branowitz back to the last name I had when I lost a bet of this magnitude.

I will now be known legally as Herb McCrotchburns….

MINNESOTA: I guess a blind Groundhog can find an acorn in the woods…

Great win last week Gophers…

CLEMSON: Damn it Tigers, Damn it……….

LAME TROJAN’S: So Lame didn’t like the referee’s calls against his Trojans last week…

And he went on and on and on and on about it…..

I’m not saying his complaints weren’t legitimate

But here is a little hint Lame….

You and the Trojans aren’t the fair hair children of the PAC (Whatever) Conference anymore

Sorry….

HEISMAN HYPE: I don’t understand all the Heisman Hype….

It seems to get worse every year.

I know that ALL the Sports Media outlets to include CNN wanted to award the trophy to Stanford’s Andrew Luck three weeks ago, calling him “The Greatest Quarterback to ever play college football”.

Really, the Greatest Quarterback to ever play college football?

I am not pushing for one candidate or another here.

All I am saying is that Stanford’s Andrew Luck hasn’t proved anything because he hasn’t played anybody other than a so-so Southern California Trojan team.

Let’s hold our ballots until the end of the season, shall we?

BRIEF COMMENTARY ON THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS

Many of you have sent me emails wondering why I haven’t commented on the Alabama Crimson Tide victory two weeks ago over the Tennessee Volunteers.

So let me say this….
I don’t believe in kicking anyone or any program when they are down….
And let me say one more thing about the Third Saturday in October….

Coach Bryant instructed us to “Win without bragging and Lose without excuse”

EDITORS NOTE: That’s the way it’s supposed to be….

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: SEC Conference Commissioner Mike Slive announced this past week during a weekly news conference…

“”First we’ll take Texas A&M, Missouri, then Oklahoma, then Clemson, then Germany …”

HALLOWEEN: One Last Comment on the Halloween weekend….

If this isn’t the funniest Halloween Costume of the year, then I don’t know what is…

At least I think it’s a costume

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 1st

Northern Illinois at Toledo
This is going to be a High Scoring Affair….
Believe it
I am really feeling confident about my pick in this game.
HUSKIES 63-60

Wednesday November 2nd

Temple at Ohio
I don’t want to sound to “cocky” but I think I am on a roll heading into Thursday night’s games.
FRANK’S CATS 35-31

Thursday November 3rd

Akron at Miami (OH)
This instate Rivalry in the Buckeye State is played for the coveted…
“Victory Slim-Jim Award”
This game has somehow lost its luster since Randy “Macho Man” Savage passed away
REDHAWKS 31-28

Tulsa at Central Florida
The O’ So Very Golden Hurricanes are coming to O- Town (not the defunct musically challenged Boy Band) to meet the O’ So Very Golden Knights.
I am not sure about the Golden Knights….
But I do know that Otis Day and the Knights make we want to “Shout”
OTIS’S KNIGHTS 34-24

Florida State at Boston College
Trivia question for you
Do you know what kind of feathers are in Chief Osceola’s headdress?
Eagle Feathers….
MIGHTY SEMINOLES 38-17

Friday November 4th

Central Michigan at Kent State
This game features Chippewa’s and Golden Flashes…
And just so you know….
If you see an old Chippewa disrobe in public it counts as being “Golden Flashed”
CHIPPEWAS’ 28-24

Southern California at Colorado
Two Facts that should be noted in this game….
Not Only has Colorado not won an away game since William McKinley was President..
But they haven’t won a home game since Phil Fulmer could see the top of his shoes.
LAME TROJANS 43-17

Saturday November 5th

Texas Tech at Texas
This Rivalry in the Lone Star State is a good one
It’s played for the “Chancellor’s Spurs”
It doesn’t get much cooler than that
HOOK EM HORNS 31-24

Syracuse at Connecticut
I had good intentions of watching this game..
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute CD” just arrived in the mail…
Sorry…
OTTO the ORANGE 21-17

McDaniel at Susquehanna
Ronald McDonald’s half brother is really a glutton for punishment
Last weekend J-Lo put a whipping on him…
Now it’s Susie’s turn….
SUSIE Q 28-10

Ball State at Eastern Michigan
Cardinals against the Eagles…
This game is for the Birds…
EAGLES 24-17

Michigan at Iowa
It’s a Big Ten (or Whatever) Matchup and you know by now what that means
Another “rivalry” game for a “coveted” Trophy
This game is played annually for the “Monkey Turd of Hope Trophy”
I am not quite sure what the trophy looks like, but it sure is fun to say
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
HAWKEYES 33-28

Norwich and SUNY Maritime
The Cadets of Norwich meet the Privateer’s of Maritime to determine who will win the Championship of the Great Northeast Athletic Conference. It’s going to be close….
It will come down to a late game winning field goal by Cadet Kicker Long Ding.
(And “No” I didn’t make that name up)
CADETS 24-23

Indiana at Ohio State
The Loosiers visit the Horseshoe in Columbus for another…
Of their many ass kicking’s by the Buckeyes.
Enjoy….
BUCKEYES 34-14

Valparaiso at Marist
I know, I know….
That Mexican Bull Fighter has a “shiny” outfit but…
That Marist is a real Fox
RED FOXES 38-17

Louisville at West Virginia
Believe it or not…..
I am going “Upset Special” on this game
Call me crazy; it’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
STRONG CARDINAL’S 28-24

Minnesota at Michigan State
I know the question that is on your mind concerning this game.
“Will the O’ So very Golden Gophers win Two Games in a Row?”
Not likely….
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 33-24

Vanderbilt at Florida
The Commodores are tough this year, but they will run aground in the Swamp
GATOR CHOMP 33-17

Virginia at Maryland
I would watch this game but by the time it comes on ESPN 3…
I will be listening to Zamfir play “Freebird” on the Pan Flute
Sorry…
CAVALIERS 28-24

New Mexico State at Georgia
Lasso Larry gets a nasty Dog Bite between the hedges…
Believe it
SIC EM DAWGS 34-13

Juniata at Moravian
Morey must be a Moravian to mess with Juanita..
I heard she whipped every woman in the trailer park for “looking” at her man
J-LO 24-17

Tusculum at Carson Newman
I cannot in good conscience…….
Pick a school that sounds like something you blew into a handkerchief
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-31

North Carolina at North Carolina State
This instate battle on Tobacco Road is played for something more important than a Trophy
It’s called “Bragging Rights”
TAR HEELS 33-17

Kansas at Iowa State
Together these two teams couldn’t generate enough wind to classify as a decent shrimp fart.
CYCLONES 31-17

Appalachian State at Furman
The Mountaineers dispatched the Number One Southern Eagles last week….
They are ready for the Furry Man
MOUNTAINEERS 34-21

Stony Brook at Charleston Southern
This game reminds me that it’s time for a shameless plug of my favorite getaway
There is no place on the planet that is easier to relax and enjoy than with my friends at the Stony Brook Cabins & Chalets in beautiful Gatlinburg Tennessee.
Give Ed and the Beautiful Miss Pam a call and tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you. You won’t be disappointed.

Texas Christian at Wyoming
My Hero’s have always been Cowboys….
Except in this game…
HORNED FROGS 43-13

Citadel at Georgia Southern
The Eagles tumbled off their perch last week…
They will fly high this week
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Sioux Falls at North Dakota
Correction on this game concerning “Sioux Falls”
Sioux FELL….
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 43-16

North Dakota State at Indiana State
I seriously don’t get the folks in Indiana…
What is supposed to be so scary about a “Fighting Sycamore Tree”?
How liquored up do you have to be to think a “tree” is going to fight you?
I can hear it now…
“Jim that tree over there is look at you like it wants to fight…”
I don’t get it
MIGHTY BISONS 31-21

West Oregon at Montana
Have you ever seen what happens when a Wolf takes on a Grizzly Bear?
My Point exactly…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-10

St Johns at St Olaf
The Mighty O’ has been Rolling since winning the Cereal Bowl and the Goat Trophy
(I told you that was important didn’t I?)
ST OLIES 27-17

Grambling State at Jackson State
Two Great College Football Programs that have produced Legends of the Fall
And their Marching Bands aren’t too shabby either…
WALTER’S TIGERS 34-28

Duke at Miami
This is the time of the year when the leaves are changing….
Temperatures are cooler…
And the Duke Blue Devils get their annual ass kicking by the Hurricanes
I Love Fall
HURRICANES 212-3

Tulane at Southern Methodist
The Green Wave roll into Mustang Country and get kicked back to the Big Easy
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 43-17

Chattanooga at Samford
Fred and Lamont Samford are about to take a ride on the Chattanooga Choo-Choo
And not in a “good way”
MIGHTY MOC’S 38-14

West Alabama at Delta State
Other than Okra Winfrey there isn’t anything I don’t like about Okra…
Fried, Pickled or Boiled.
I’m an Okra Man
FIGHTING OKRA 34-20

Ole Miss at Kentucky
Have you noticed that since the “rebels” changed their mascot they haven’t won an SEC game?
I like to think of that as karma…
JOKER’S CATS 28-17

Army at Air Force
This game may very well decide the Commander in Chiefs Trophy
Yeah, it’s that important

FALCONS 33-28
Northwestern at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn surprised me last week with a great win against the Spartans.
But I still think “Lil Red” looks like the Shoney’s Big Boy’s little brother.
I’m just saying…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-17

UTEP at Rice
This game presents one very important fact….
If you have read this far then you know by now that “The Big Game” is at the bottom the page
MINERS 28-24

Montana State at Weber State
The outdoor grill College of Weber State is about to get smoked
BOBCATS 43-24

Purdue at Wisconsin
This Big Ten (something) matchup is played for yet “another” coveted Trophy
These teams square off each year to play for the “Sombrero of Cheese Whiz”
Yankee’s are funny when they make up rivalry trophy’s aren’t they?
BUCKY the BADGER 43-17

Troy at Navy
Your guess is as good as mine in this game.
I don’t know “who” is going to show up from week to week.
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Southern Miss at East Carolina
The Mighty Golden Eagles are on a roll winning six games in a row….
Make it “Seven”
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-17

West Georgia at North Alabama
The Florence Lions have dropped two games in a row….
I am keeping the faith
MIGHTY LIONS 33-24

Arkansas State at Florida Atlantic
The Owls aren’t playing worth a Hoot and the Red Wolves are Howling
RED WOLVES 34-17

Presbyterian at Coastal Carolina
Blue Ho’s and Chanticleers in this one….
And as a safety tip….
If you run around with Blue Ho’s you could get a Chanticleer
Just so you know…
BLUE HO’S 28-17

Utah at Arizona
It’s like the old saying goes….
There is more than one way for two Utes to skin a cat…
TWO UTES 24-17

Notre Dame at Wake Forest
There was time when this game was really important…
Not really, I was just trying to make it sound interesting
FIGHTING IRISH 34-28

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
These two schools have both been rolling on the river lately…
Which makes me think…
This game would be worth watching if Tina Turner sang “Rolling on the River” at halftime
I’m just saying…
PANTHERS 28-23

Houston at UAB
This game is going to be uglier than a game of Twister with a bunch of midget strippers.
(And “No” that is not based on personal experience, shame on you for thinking that)
MIGHTY COUGARS 56-10

Missouri at Baylor
In case I haven’t mentioned it lately…
It Sucks to B U….
MO’S TIGERS 43-38

MTSU at Tennessee
The Vowels get back on track and leave the Raiders Blue
VOWELS 38-17

South Carolina at Arkansas
I know I picked against the Gamecocks last week.
Believe me, I read your emails.
Fire up those computers and start writing because I am picking against them again this week.
HAWG-ZILLA’S 24-17

Arizona State at UCLA
I was trying to remember why I wanted to watch this game…
But I honestly couldn’t remember
DEVILS from the SUN 38-21

New Mexico at San Diego State
The Lobo’s and the Ancient Aztecs….
Sound’s like an upcoming Disney Movie…
AZTECS 34-28

Oregon at Washington
The Once Mighty Don James Huskies are playing more like Yorkshire terriers
I can’t even think about watching them anymore….
QUACKS 43-17

Boise State at UNLV
Another “tough” game for the Mighty Bronco’s of Boise and the schedule doesn’t get any easier.
Next Week the Bronco’s host the “Arthur Murray Dance Studio and Toe Tap Academy”
They better watch out, I hear they have some “fancy” footwork
BRONCO’S 49-17

Utah State at Hawaii
My Black Lab “Doc” loves it when I pick the Hawaii games..
I think it’s because I always make mention of “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
It’s probably just a name recognition thing…
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 43-28

South Florida at Rutgers
This game perplexed me….
So I called my adopted Italian family in Atlantic City for their perspective…
This is what I got…
“Fugit about it, pick da Knights”
Done…
SCARLET KNIGHTS 28-24

Texas A&M at Oklahoma
Don’t be surprised if this game goes the “other way”
I’m serious
BOOMER SOONERS 43-38

Kansas State at Oklahoma State
The Wildcats will keep it close for a while and then the Cowboys will Ride
COWBOY UP! 43-24

Washington State at California
I know what you are thinking about this game…
I don’t give a damn, I have scrolled through the whole article just to read the next game.
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GRAM BEARS 7-6

LSU at Alabama
“The Tussle in T-Town”
It’s a shame somebody has to lose this game.
It’s going to be a good one
CRIMSON TIDE 17-16

NEXT WEEK….

If my liver survives Saturday’s Tide and Tiger Game we will have….

The Return of Hootie Snitch “The Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet”

And in the following weeks….
Rufus Johnson will return to “Drop some Knowledge on Yo Ass”
More information on the NCAA Auburn Investigation….
And a few Surprises…

So Stay Tuned…

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

There are a lot of “unwritten rules” in life….
For example…
Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time
If you are a guy, don’t be caught putting on chapstick in the Men’s Room at a Biker bar

They are simple things, but some people need to be reminded occasionally.

We all love the passion and pageantry of college football.

We love our universities and have pride in their accomplishments.

And you can never be too young or too old to enjoy the college football experience.

However…

It needs to be stated…
If you are a college student or maybe in your early twenties, fresh out of college and you decide to attend a college football game and dress like the picture below for a game, it’s a wonderful thing. I fully support that kind of enthusiasm.

But if you are in your thirties, forties, fifties and beyond and you decide to “paint yourself up” for a game and bring stage props etc, well then, it’s just creepy. Not to mention, you end up looking like a registered sex offender that has somehow escaped out of his (or her) ankle bracelet

Consider this your “Unwritten Rule of the Week” Public Service Announcement
And as a side note: If you are a guy that looks like an Al Hirt impersonator….

Don’t drive a car with a license tag that says “DREAM GRL”, it sends the wrong message.

I still can’t believe I raced up to that car just to see that….I feel so dirty.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Being this close to Halloween I would have to say last week was more “Tricks” than “Treats” particularly if you were a Wisconsin Badger or an Oklahoma Sooner.

Those folks must feel like Charlie Brown with a Halloween sack full of rocks.

I know the feeling….

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 49 and 14 or 78%
(I know, I’m upset about it myself)

That leaves me at 449 and 107 or 81% after Eight Weeks of College Football.

Enough about me…

We have a lot to discuss this week, so let’s get to it

Enjoy your Picks…..

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAY OF THE WEEK

A loyal reader sent this request in for the “Play of the Week” and added….

“Thank you Michigan State. Love the Tiger from Clemson”

If you haven’t seen this one, then you don’t know what you missed.

Enjoy the replay…

Click here to view the embedded video.

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP

My friends Halloween is right around the corner and unfortunately this happy occasion for the “little ones” can turn deadly if the proper precautions are not taken.

I am talking about (of course) the potential close encounter of the “ugly kind” your children could have with former University of Tennessee football coach Phil “The Pumpkin” Fulmer.

As you should know by now, this is the time of the year that the “Great Pumpkin” aka Phil Fulmer will rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat small to medium size children of all ages.

There is no need to fear….

By taking the proper precautions you can eliminate any potential problems and be worry free this Halloween, while the youngsters enjoy their tasty treats given to them by complete strangers.

Parents, remember Phil Fulmer is the third largest mammal walking upright so he won’t be difficult to spot, however he is a “master of disguises” so here is what you need to look out for when you answer your door.

Anyone who comes to your door who is dressed like “Shamu” the killer whale that is also the same size as Shamu could possibly be Fat Phil the child eater.

Anyone who comes to your door or who is seen in your neighborhood appearing in a “costume” that is the same size of and resembles the State of Kansas could be the Great Pumpkin Phil Fulmer.

If you see him, do not try and subdue him yourself, he is hungry and his appetite for anything sweet is ferocious. The fact that you have been handling candy all evening could result in the loss of an arm if you attempt to stop him.

If you suspect Phil Fulmer is lurking around take these simple precautions and all will be well.

Simply yell “Roll Tide!” or “Go Gators!” and he will begin to run (or waddle as the case may be…) and then call your local Animal Control Authorities who will dart him down.

I hope you all have a very safe and enjoyable Halloween
(No need to thank me, it’s what I do)

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, our hometown heroes, the Telfair Trojans, took it on the chin again this week with a 53-7 home loss against the powerful Clinch County Panthers. Although the score doesn’t reflect the fight and grit these kids put into this game, they played their hearts out. Big Blue was led on the ground by Austin Ban who had 93 yards on the ground to go with a 97 yard run and a touchdown and on defense by Zak Pitt who had 7 tackles. The Trojans will no doubt pick themselves up and dust themselves off as they get ready to take on the Lanier County Bulldogs down in Lakeland Georgia in a big Region 2-A showdown. The Bulldogs are 3-3 in the Region and sport a 5-3 overall record. While the Blue Clad Boys dropped to 1-8 on the season, there is no doubt plenty of fight left in these kids and hope to come away with a win.

Up in Athens, the Home State Hounds took a much deserved week off and are preparing for the annual showdown in Jacksonville, Fl against the hated reptiles from Gainesville. This is a much anticipated matchup in which the Red Clay Dogs are sporting a 5 game winning streak and hope to take momentum and Lady Luck with them to the River City to send the Gators back to the Swamp smarting from a sound beating. The Georgians are more than eager to avenge some bittersweet moments at the event know as “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” and partake of a champagne celebration. Mark Richt, who has been feeling a little discomfort this season, could quell a lot of dissent among the Bulldog Nation with a win, so there’s plenty of motivation on the coaching staff to have a good showing.

Speaking of good showings, the North Avenue Trade School didn’t quite calculate the outcome of their debacle down in Coral Gables. The Bumble Bees pretty much bumbled along on offense all day as they came out on the short end of a 24-7 score which gave them 2 straight losses. This isn’t the “U” of Irvin and Sapp folks. This Hurri-chain-gang team is just trying to get back to respectability and pretty much dis-respected the Jackets as they held them to season lows in numerous offensive categories. Next up for the Wreck is Clemson. Yes, that was an intentional metaphorical statement because the way the Tigers have been playing, this team won’t make it back down I-85 without getting some major engine and body work done on them after this game.

And over in Statesboro at the House that Erk Built, the undefeated Eagles of Georgia Southern maintained their hold on the number 1 ranking in FCS football with a sacrilegious ritual thrashing of the Presbyterian Blue Hose. The resident denizens of “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America” erupted for 31 points in the 2nd quarter as they tore through these Sad Stockings like a porcupine through a pair of grandma’s panty hose in the 41-14 win. The next stop for GSU is a trip North to Happ Brewer Stadium to take on arch rival Appalachian State. There is no love lost here as the Mountaineers will be looking to avenge last year’s 21-14 Overtime loss to the Eagles to bring their tenure as the number 1 FCS team in the country to an end.

Over in T-town, the Tide turned back the Tennessee Coon-skinners by a 37-6 score. The Red Elephants were somewhat quiet in the first half as evidenced by a 6-6 score at the half. However, Nick Saban must have had quite the pep talk at halftime as the Alabamians erupted for 31 second half points to put the game out of reach.

In Baton Rouge, the Bayou Bengals proved who really is the Big Cat in the SEC West by dominating the listless felines of Auburn by a margin of 45-10. By the time the final gun sounded you would have thought that the visiting Eagles had flown into a window as they staggered out of the stadium completely plucked. One thing this reporter noted was the subtle use of an Obama head shot poster to signal something in to the Auburn quarterback. After much head scratching, it became obvious what the signal meant: “Change” the play and “Hope” it works. It’s obviously not 2010 anymore down on the plains.

So, now we have set the tone for the Showdown in T-Town.
A Battle of Epic Proportions.
A no-hold bars death match between the two behemoths of the SEC.
Yes, it’s Alabama hosting LSU in a Game of the Century to determine SEC supremacy, and likely, who will advance to the National Championship game.
Mark Nov 5th down on your calendars ladies and gentlemen.
Both teams have byes this week, no doubt as the Evil Genius and Mad Hatter scheme and plot for the big showdown.

Over at Clemson, SC the Dabo Swinney’s Tigers succeeded in kicking a mountain goat off of the mountain by unleashing young Tajh Boyd, Sammy Watkins, and company and taking a 59-38 win. The Baby Blue clad Heels were on a slippery slope early as the Orange Cats were comfortably on top with a 59-24 lead at the end of the 3rd period. A couple of late touchdowns made it a little more respectable but it looks to me like there’s a ticking time bomb in the Upstate of South Carolina, waiting to explode onto the BCS scene.

In the battle of the “over”rateds, the USC Trogladytes upended the Doomers from South Bend by a 31-17 score. And why do we care? Because their little rivalry game adds to the pageantry of a competitor from a lesser conference taking on a has been who the media loves to boost to lofty positions, only to have their Fannies smacked by the SEC come bowl time.

And now it’s time for the weekly Peach State Prognostication. The Dogs didn’t even play this past weekend to have a better showing than the Calculator Bandits. The Technical Institute is struggling mightily and the year end game to close out the season looks like it could turn into something akin to a bully taking away a playmates toy. The pendulum has clearly swung back in favor of Georgia, but there’s still a lot of football to be played between now and November 26th. I’m sure Paul Johnson is as puzzled by the latest developments but if he doesn’t right the ship, there’s going to be a train wreck on I-75. That would leave a bad taste in the mouths of Jacket fans that a chili dog and lemonade from the Varsity won’t take out. Georgia is no offensive juggernaut by a long-shot, but they’ve got enough. Georgia 35-10.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,

As the governor of the Great State of West Virginia, I feel it my duty to “get the word out” and announce a change to a recently enacted law.
The law, known as the Couch Restraint Anti-burning Protocol (CRAP), was passed to try to prevent sporadic fires from sprouting up in all parts of Morgantown and other cities after wins by the prestigious University of West Virginia.

Although, we never had any casualties, we were concerned with the atmospheric emissions and foul odors by various types of sofas being set aflame. We didn’t feel that love seats or settees were as offensive as others. Sectionals were found to be the most offensive combustibles as different parts of this furniture piece could be piled on the charred remnants of pieces previously burned.

However, due to much public outcry from the citizenry of this great state, we have amended the law as long as burning is done in a responsible manner and in limited circumstances.

First, the only type of furniture that may be burned from this point on will be easy chairs, recliners, and lawn furniture. This will help eliminate the possibility of a rampant wild “sofa” fire getting out of control.

Second, lying on a sofa while it is being consumed by flames will no longer be tolerated.

Third, the above mentioned celebrations will be limited to games played against top 25 teams that result in a win of over 21 points.

This should satisfy the denizens and fans of our great football team and, if applied in a safe manner, result in a celebration worthy of the pride of the Great State of West Virginia.

Sincerely,
Earl Ray Tomblin
Governor
West Virginia.

A: Thank you for writing your Governorship

Q: DEAR MR WiZARD,

FiRST oFF SoRRy BouT All ThESE CApTAl lETTERS BuT SomEThin BAD hAppEnED To my CompuTER ThE lAST TimE I WEnT To MACDonAlDS. By ThE WAy, hAVE you EVER TRiED To TAkE onE A ThoSE DESk Top CompuTERS AnD A BiG olE moniToR AnD kEyBoARD ThAnGS in ThE BACk oF A pickup up To SomEplACE WiTh ThAT FREE WiFi STuFF? IF iT DonT GET BRokE, iTS DAnG hEAVy AS ThE DiCkEnS. WEll, WhAT hAppEnED WAS I WAS EATin my pAnCAkES AnD SyRup AnD SAW ThAT liTTlE EmA JEAn BuSTEmillER WAlk in WiTh ThiS liTTlE olD Skimpy Bikini Swimmin SuiT on AnD I DRoppED my ElBoW RiGhT on ThA EDGE A my plATE. WEll, ThAT DAnG ThAnG FlippED up AnD lAnDED RiGT on ThE SiDE A my kEyBoARD AnD EVER SinCE All ThEm DAnG BuTTonS on ThE lEFT SiDE oF iT BEEn Typin CApiTAl lETTERS EVERy TimE I WRiTE SomEThin CAuSE I CAnT GET Tha SyRup ouT. AnyWAys, I GoT mE a QuESTion AnD iTs A DooZy. Do you ThAnk ARE CoACh, MR MARk Rik iS GonnA GET FiRED AFoRE ThA EnDA ThE SEASon? Im juST WonDERin CAuSE EVERBoDy WAnTS him GonE AnD ThATD juST lEAVE BoBo and ThA DEFEnSER Guy. Well ThAT SET mE TA Thinkin BouT WhoD TAkE oVER CAuSE EVERBoDy WAnTS ThEm GonE Too!! WhATChA ThAnk MR WiZARD?

GO DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
LEmuEl in LuDoWiCi

PS – CAn you Tell mE SomEWhERE I CAn GET my DAlE CompuTer FiXED. ThERES A BunChA FolkS DoWn hERE lAuGhinG AT mE SAyin ThERE AinT no SuChA ThAnG AS A DAlE AnD ThAT iTS SupposTABE A DEll. WEll DAlE iS pAinTED on hERE AS puRTy AS you please So ThEy DonT knoW WhAT ThEyS TAlkin BouT.

A: Lemuel for the love of God, get that computer fixed, this email gave me a damn headache.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN’S MARK MAY: I guess there is a first time for everything….

I actually agreed with ESPN’s Mark May last weekend when he said….

“Missouri is acting like they actually have something to offer the Southeastern Conference, they haven’t done anything in the conference they are in so why are they acting like the pretty girl at the school dance when they clearly aren’t”

ESPN’S LOU HOLTZ: The pearl of wisdom above was quickly followed by Coach Lou saying..

“I don’t care what you say Mark, today’s game between Southern California and the Fighting Irish is the biggest game of the day, they have played each other every year since 1825….”

EDITORS NOTE: What? 1825? Coach you must have that confused with the year you graduated High School but in all fairness, the above quote from Coach Lou was translated by the CFB Wizard Staff from a recording of the Game Day Studio telecast. So a mistake on “our” part is “possible” here. After all the original recording of Coach Lou sounded like this….

“I don’t sssshhhhhhhhhhhh whatsssssssss you shayssssssssss todayssssssssss (tremendous spitting sound) the (inaudible sound) between the ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhouthern Californiassssssssss Trojanss (repetitive spitting sounds) and the Fighting Irishhhhhhhhhhhhhsssssssss (gurgling spitting sounds) biggestss game day played (inaudible sound) sishhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (inaudible sound) 1825”

This of course was followed by Mark May’s voice in the background saying…
“Will someone please get me a towel Coach spit on me again!”

ILLINOIS: It’s too damn close to Halloween for the Fighting Pumpkins to be losing.

What the hell is going on up there?

UAB: If you all haven’t done so already…..

Get your winter coats out; Hell has indeed frozen over……

The Blazers won a game last week

THE BIG EAST: It’s official the Big East Conference is openly recruiting Schools from around the country to join their conference, their “recruiting poster” is popping up everywhere and it is very catchy, don’t you think?

I found this one in my mailbox attached to a Hardee’s Flyer…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I don’t give a Shillelagh that you won some damn crooked stick

CARSON NEWMAN: I never thought I would say this….

There is no Spark left in this year’s once Mighty Eagles

TEXAS TECH: Last week I wrote….

“So Red Raider fans…..
How do you like that Coach Tommy Tub now?
If he is a “defensive genius” then I’m a Polish Astronaut”

I am now legally changing my name to Buzz O’Branowitz

Congratulations Red Raiders….

DELTA STATE: Congratulations to the Mighty Fighting Okra for frying the Blazers of Valdosta State last week to remain the Number One Team in Division II College Football.

ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: This past Saturday was Coach Lee Corso’s 200th Head Gear Pick on College Game Day. Win or Lose Coach, we love you and Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

DELAWARE: You lost to Rhode Island last week….

Those damn people don’t live on an island so you lost to a bunch of liars, I hope you are happy

TENNESSEE: This prognostication has nothing to do with last week’s game….

Next year’s game between the Tennessee Volunteers and the Florida Gators…

Will determine who will win the SEC Eastern Division….Believe it.

SOUTHERN MISS: I should never have gone against the Golden Eagles in Hattiesburg….

Even if they were playing the Mighty Mustangs.

Great win Eagles….

OKLAHOMA: Oops…………

WISCONSIN: Badgers please see “Oklahoma” above and add “Damn It”

HASKELL INDIAN NATIONS UNIVERSITY: The Indians of Haskell Indian Nations University are having a tough season and currently haven’t won a game this year.

But in Haskell Memorial Stadium in Lawrence Kansas I hear the footsteps of Legends.

On that natural grass field the Greatest Athlete the World has ever seen used to run…

Before he went to Carlisle Indian School in Carlisle Pennsylvania

It was the Home to The Great Jim Thorpe

I can’t forget it and I hope they don’t either

THE GAMES

Wednesday October 26th

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
I have a “good feeling” about this one
Call it Prognosticators Intuition.
PANTHERS 35-20

Thursday October 27th

Rice at Houston
This Rivalry in the Great City of Houston is a Big One
It’s played for the “Bayou Bucket”
This one is easy
MIGHTY COUGARS 55-10

North Alabama at West Alabama
This clash in Alabama is between two teams trying to claw their way back to the top.
Another loss by either of these teams and they won’t make the Division II Playoffs.
This game is THAT Important
FLORENCE LIONS 33-21

Virginia at Miami
The Hurricanes have proven they still have some wind left in their sails and the Cavaliers are picking up speed. It should be a good one…
HURRICANES 28-24

Friday October 28th

Brigham Young at Texas Christian
The Cougars will get skinned in Cow Town, Believe it
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Saturday October 29th

UAB at Marshall
Can the Blazers win “two” games in a row?
I have three words for you…
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-17

North Carolina State at Florida State
It is physically impossible for a pack of wolves to outrun Chief Osceola on Horseback.
I know this because I saw it on the History Channel, so it has to be true.
SEMINOLES 38-17

Purdue at Michigan
I love these Big Ten (or Twelve) Rivalries, don’t you?
This one is played for the coveted “Hagfish Trophy”
Which interestingly enough, was inspired by and designed after seeing former Michigan Wolverine Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita” in a swimsuit.
WOLVERINES 38-14

Drake at Marist
That Drake Boy can talk all the smack he wants to about this game.
It doesn’t change the fact that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOXES 28-20

Juniata at McDaniel
It’s a sad world we live in when Ronald McDonald’s half brother McDaniel would rather mess with Juanita than try and help his half brother catch the Ham Burglar.
J-LO 24-17

Northwestern at Indiana
I can’t get enough of these Big Ten or whatever Rivalries.
This one is played each year for the prestigious “Catfish Bucket” signifying between these two bottom feeders of their conference which team doesn’t suck as bad as the other team.
WILDCATS 24-17

Central Michigan at Akron
I can’t wait to see this game!
I have never seen a Chippewa ride Rocket and before you ask…
“Yes” I am that easily amused
RICKEY ROCKET 33-28

Syracuse at Louisville
Otto laid the Orange on the Mountaineer’s last week and the Cardinal’s shocked the Jersey Boys
I am going for the upset in this one
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 24-21

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
The Commodores will get sunk by the Hungry Hogs in Music City.
HAWGZILLA’S 43-17

Virginia Tech at Duke
Last night the Blue Devils cancelled their pep rally for this game due to lack of interest.
Enough Said…
HOKEY POKEYS 33-10

Alabama A&M and Alabama State
Legion Field Birmingham Alabama
This Alabama Rivalry is called the “The Magic City Classic”
And it always lives up to the name and the hype
This game is the Biggest one yet, one team is number one and the other team is in the top 5…
This one is going to be close, real close
HORNETS 28-24

Salve Regina at Plymouth State
The Yugoslavian beauty took down the Mississippi Institute of Technology last week…
I am betting she still has enough spunk left to take care the Plymouth Boys..
Do they even make Plymouth’s anymore?
SWEET SALVE 31-17

Bowling Green at Kent State
This Rivalry in the Buckeye State honors the state highways separating the two universities.
It’s played for the “Chuck Hole Award” sponsored by the Ohio Department of Transportation
FALCONS 28-24

Virginia Military Academy at Citadel
This rivalry between two military colleges has been played every year since 1920….
It’s called “The Military Classic of the South” and it’s played for “the Silver Shako”
I have a question….
Why in the world would they want to play for a bait fish?
KEYDETS 21-17

Furman at Chattanooga
In case you didn’t know…..
Chattanooga is the Home of the Moon Pie
That’s good enough for me here
MIGHTY MOC’S 34-28

Ball State at Western Michigan
The Bronco’s are fading fast and the Cardinal’s won’t quit.
This one will still be closer than you might think
CARDINAL’S 33-31

Murray State at Eastern Kentucky
I have never liked the Colonels from Eastern and I’m not about to start now.
PACERS 31-17

Air Force at New Mexico
I don’t know what has happened to these two teams
The United States Air Force has been dropping duds and the Lobos are playing like Hobos
This one is a toss-up
FALCONS 24-17

Idaho State at Montana State
The “Ben Gals” have “Been Gone” since the season kicked off…
BOBCATS 38-14

Boston College at Maryland
I would watch this game but watching Maryland’s Fighting Linoleum Kitchen Tiles uniforms on the big screen gives me vertigo, sorry….
LINOLEUM TILE TURTLES 28-24

Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
The Eagles of Southern maintain their Number 1 ranking after this game, but just by the hair of their chinny chin chins.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-31

EDITORS NOTE: The “Chinny Chin Chin” comment above was not intended as a reference to any Asian peoples living or deceased or any characters from the wildly popular television program “Kung Fu” So don’t send me any nasty emails or I will pluck the pebble out of your hand Grasshopper.

Susquehanna at Franklin Marshall
I don’t think Frank knows what he is getting into here….
Susie just got her hair done at the Beauty Parlor
You don’t mess with a woman after she just got her hair done, even I know that
SUSIE Q 24-21

Washington State at Oregon
How can I but this gently?
The Cougars suck more than a Hoover Nuclear Vacuum Cleaner
Sorry, that’s as gentle as I know how to say it.
QUACKS 156-3

Weber State at Montana
I sincerely believe the Folks at Weber Grills make the best Outdoor Grills on the Planet.
And I am thrilled that they have their own college….
But that of course has nothing what so ever to do with this game.
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-10

Navy at Notre Dame
I would watch this game on NBC, which of course stands for “Nothing But Catholics” but there is a Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” marathon on TBS at the same time.
Did you ever notice Kenny gets younger looking by “The Gambler Part VII: Brady Hawkes and the Temple of Doom”? Never mind….
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Missouri at Texas A&M
Two teams that couldn’t spell “Defense” if you built them a Fence and gave them a “D”.
If you like offense, this is your game
GIG EM AGGIES 44-38

Baylor at Oklahoma State
You know what they say in Texas don’t you?
“It Sucks to B U”
COWBOY UP! 43-24

West Virginia at Rutgers
Neither of these teams wins when they are favored and neither of them loses when they are an underdog. But I do like to see a nice sofa on fire……
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-17

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Please don’t question my logic in this one, because I have none.
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Oklahoma at Kansas State
This Game in the Big 12 (Light…) is going to separate the Contenders from the Pretenders
It’s going to be closer than you might think
BOOMER SOONERS 28-21

Wake Forest at North Carolina
This Instate Rivalry along Tobacco Road is always a Brawl, even if it doesn’t mean anything.
HEELS of TAR 28-24

Tulane at East Carolina
By the time this game comes on Kenny Rogers in “The Gambler Part XIII: Brady Hawkes and The Botox Gamble” will be on so I can’t watch it, sorry.
PIRATES 28-17

Hamline at St Olaf
In the words of that famous urban philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“It’s Hammy Time”
ST OLIES 33-13

Florida at Georgia
With all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams…
This IS and will ALWAYS be….
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Don’t leave your seats, this one is going to be really close
DAWGS 28-24

Iowa at Minnesota
This Rivalry game in the Big Ten (something) is my favorite of all their Rivalry games.
It’s played for the coveted “Floyd of Rosedale” Trophy (Pictured below)

I ask you, who wouldn’t want a big ole pig trophy?
My point exactly.
HAWKEYES 28-17

North Dakota at Northern Colorado
Northern Colorado has some breath taking scenery……
Yep, that’s about it
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 34-17

Memphis at Central Florida
The Boys from O Town (Not the defunct musically challenged Boy band)
Have stumbled as of late, but the good news is I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-13

Hawaii at Idaho
The “Warriors on a Rainbow” invades the Land of the “Ida Honkies”
Sounds like the only thing missing is a “Rainbow Bright” reference
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS ON RAINBOWS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I would pick Hawaii without making a reference to “Dog the Bounty Hunter” did you?

Jackson State at Prairie View A&M
The Prairie is going to get mighty lonesome after the Tigers are finished
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-10

Colorado State at UNLV
Remember what they say….
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas….
Unless it happens to be a fungus that you can’t quite identify”
RAM TOUGH 24-14

Ursinus at Johns Hopkins
I have on “good authority” that the above named visiting school is named after a unique and rare medical condition caused by “sneezing and breaking wind at the same time” causing both a sinus and a urine infection simultaneously.
Consider this your medical tip of the week…
JOHNNY HOP 38-10

Iowa State at Texas Tech
You think I would pick against Tommy Tub and the Red Raiders after last week?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 34-17

Mississippi State at Kentucky
If they let the Wildcats play with a basketball in this game It would be a different story..
Something about that “pointed football” seems to confuse them
BULLY DAWGS 31-14

Ole Miss at Auburn
It’s like the commercial says…..
“Sometimes you feel like a Nutt but at the end of this season they are firing his dumb ass”
WAR DAMN EAGLES 34-21

California at UCLA
This game is scheduled to be on Saturday Night at 2330 EST on ESPN U….
Which unfortunately conflicts with Kenny Rogers in the final installment of the series entitled “The Gambler Part XXVII: Brady Hawkes The Plastic Surgery Gamble”.
I have to watch the entire series, you understand
O’ SO Very GOLDEN BEARS 24-17

Kansas at Texas
Dorothy you aren’t in Kansas anymore….
HOOK EM HORNS 34-17

Brevard at Carson Newman
I still have faith in the once mighty Eagles……
But it is dwindling…
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-24

North Texas at Arkansas State
The Wolves are seeing Red and the Mean Green are rolling.
There is enough color in this game that even a colored blind guy like me can enjoy it.
RED WOLVES 31-28

South Carolina at Tennessee
Remember you heard it here first…..
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
VOWELS 24-21

Nevada at New Mexico State
They need to add a few more light bulbs on the scoreboard for this one…
It has the potential to be a high scoring affair
PACK of WOLVES 43-38

Stanford at Southern California
The one and only reason I am pulling for the Trojans (God have mercy on my soul)
Is because I am sick and tired (exhausted really) of hearing about Andrew Luck of Stanford.
Listen closely….
HE HASN’T PLAYED ANYBODY WORTH A CRAP!
GOT IT?
LAME TROJANS 33-28

Wisconsin at Ohio State
The Buckeyes are in a bit of a Fickled Pickle in this matchup….
But something tells me it’s going to be closer than you might think and could go either way.
BADGERS 28-24

Southern Miss at UTEP
I doubted the Mighty Golden Eagles last week…
I won’t make the same mistake this week.
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-16

Clemson at Georgia Tech
Three weeks ago this game was billed as a “Clash of the Titians…”
They were half right….
There is going to be a clash, but there is only going to be one “Titian” playing in this game
DABO’S TIGERS 43-17

Wyoming at San Diego State
Cowboy Down! Cowboy Down! Cowboy Down!
ANCIENT AZTECS 33-17

Arizona at Washington
I was going to watch this game, but I will be so exhausted from watching all the Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” Movies that I won’t be able to stay up and watch this game which kicks off at 0200 ETS Sunday morning.
WILDCATS 24-17

Michigan State at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn are rested but I can’t go against the Mighty Spartans..
Not after what they did to the Bucky the Badger last week
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 28-24

Illinois at Penn State
Joe Pa’s not scared to smash a Pumpkin, believe me I know what I am talking about here.
JOE’S LIONS 31-24

Oregon State at Utah
Interesting fact in this game…..
When “Leave it to Beaver” was on television both Wally and the Beaver were both two Ute’s.
Bet you didn’t know that
TWO UTES 34-17

Colorado at Arizona State
Again I feel obligated to point out that…..
The Buffalos haven’t won an away game since William McKinley was President
DEVILS of the SUN 43-10

Next week we will have the Heavyweight Match that everyone is talking about

Here is your preview….

Click here to view the embedded video.

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This past week separated the contenders from the pretenders and it almost separated me from the liquor cabinet. Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a very subpar 52 and 16 or 76% for the week and for the season after seven weeks that leaves me at 400 and 93 or 81%.

It’s hard to believe I have picked almost 500 games thus far in the 2011 season

But please hold your adulation for just a moment; I have some exciting news….

The CFB Wizard is having a readers contest, yes you read that correctly.

The details of the contest are in this Week’s Pick’s so be sure and enter.

Now you may release your unbridled adulation for yours truly.

Enjoy your picks….

HIGH SCHOOL TEAM OF THE WEEK

This week’s High School Team of the week has a familiar player on the team that you have read about in a past article; Matt Jones of the Gretna High School Dragons in Nebraska.

Statistics and numbers don’t always tell the whole story in a game or even in a season for that matter and there isn’t a measuring stick for leadership, other than results.

That being said last week Matt’s numbers don’t jump off the page at you, but that young man is a winner and so are his teammates.

Last week In a matchup between undefeated teams that drew an estimated 2,500 to Elkhorn Stadium, the Class B No. 3 Dragons (8-0) clinched the District 3 championship in advance of next Friday’s regular-season finale at home against winless Elkhorn Mount Michael.

“Our defense did great,’’ Dragons quarterback Matt Jones said. “Our line had some great blocking that made some holes for (Andy) Janovich.”

Andy Janovich, the Dragons’ fullback, popped free for a 68-yard touchdown on the game’s second play and closed the scoring with a lookalike 48-yarder on the final play of the third quarter.

A state champion wrestler and returning Class B all-state linebacker, the 6-1, 205-pounder had a season-best 181 yards on 12 carries with three touchdowns as he pushed his team-leading season total to 617 yards on only 73 attempts.

“He’s our short-yardage back,’’ Jones said, “but he has a little bit of speed.”

Elkhorn Coach Mark Wortman won’t disagree.

“He’s just that good,’’ the coach said. “He’s a wrestler, so he has good balance. You have trouble bringing him down. It looks like he just sheds tacklers if you only try to arm-tackle.”

Elkhorn ran 60 plays to Gretna’s 40. In the second half, the Antlers had the ball for 28 of the first 37 snaps and didn’t score.

The No. 4 Antlers (7-1) got their first-half touchdowns on an over-the-shoulder catch by Ryan Michael that went for a 53-yard pass play from Daniel Feickert and a 10-yard run by Graham Nabity in the final minute to trail by only 21-14.

Nabity’s 136 yards on 25 carries increased his season totals to 1,034 yards and 15 touchdowns.

“By far they were the best team we’ve played this year,” Gretna coach Chad Jepsen said. “We knew it would be a battle.”

Congratulations Dragons, you earned it.

COACH’S SPEAK

We often times hear coaches speak and we aren’t really sure what they mean or what the implications of what they are saying and how that transcends to the football field. Have no fear.

I am going to help you understand what coach’s “mean what they mean” when they “say what they say”

SOUTH CAROLINA: Last week Coach Steve dismissed Gamecock Quarterback Stephen Garcia from the football team (for the thirteenth time) because “The Ole Ball Coach” said…
“Stephen failed a test….”

What Coach Steve meant by this statement was….
“That boy could have peed a Technicolor rainbow, raped a Nun and robbed a liquor store and I wouldn’t have cared a bit as long as he was throwing touchdowns instead of interceptions”

OLE MISS: Prior to the game with the University of Alabama Crimson Tide…
Coach Houston Nutt “suspended” four Rebel players for unknown reasons..
Coach Nutt had this to say about the suspensions
“I hated to suspend them all and it’s going to hurt us in this game but there is nothing more important than team disciple”

What Houston Nut meant to say was…..

“I knew we were going to get our asses kicked between our shoulder blades anyway so I suspended those guys so, after we got the hell beat out of us, I can say that we might have won the game if I didn’t have to suspend those guys. It’s a win-win.”

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC Country!!!

The Big Blue Trojans from here in Telfair County took the long trip down to Folkston for a matchup against the Charlton County Indians. The trip must have taken a toll on our hometown heroes as they made the long trip back to McRae on the short end of a 42-0 score. Try as they might, it just doesn’t seem like the offense has been able to generate anything against some of the powerhouse teams of Region 2-A. But, once again, our Trojans fought long and hard in the losing effort. Next up for the Trojans is a matchup against a traditional Class A football power in the state of Georgia; the Clinch County Panthers from down in Homerville. The Panthers bring with them 5 wins to go with 2 uncharacteristic losses in a game that the Trojans have been looking forward to all season. I know our boys will represent us well!!!

Oh, and don’t forget about the Milan Harvest Festival on the 22nd of October. It’s a fun filled festival with plenty of fun to be had by one and all. And the special entertainment will be the Poultry Palace!! Yes, you will be amazed by these trained chickens which sing, dance, talk, and do some impressive tricks!!! Also, there will be opportunities for the kids to interact with the birds. This is “must see” entertainment down on Main Street in Milan, Ga. For those of you interested, here is the link to Poultry Palace: http://www.poultrypalace.net/

On Saturday, the Red Clay Hounds traveled to Nashville to take on the Shipmates of Vandy. The Navigators nearly upended the visiting Dawgs as Georgia held on for a 33-28 victory. The outcome was in doubt right up until the last few seconds of the game as a blocked punt gave the ‘Dores the ball at the Georgia 20 yard line with 7 seconds left. The Athenians held on for the victory, but, it was a little too close for comfort.

Meanwhile, up in Charlottesville, VA, the Ramblin wreck strode in with a number 12 ranking in the polls and left with a 24-21 loss that will surely cause them to drop like a rock in the newest polls. The Bees once again failed to play defense as they allowed the Cavalier Crew to rack up 272 yards on the ground. The difference this week was that the offense couldn’t get on track for the Trade School as they could only muster 21. It was a tough loss for the Atlantans as they were off to their best start since ’66.

Up the road at Paulson Stadium, the Birds of Southern were more like buzzards, as they shredded the visiting Paladins of Furman to the tune of 50 – 20, and then feasted on the carcass. 5 different players scored in the shellacking and even the Defense got involved as they blocked an extra point and ran it back to add 2 more points to the tally. The Blue Clad Birds tacked up the most points in the rivalry since 1998′s 45 – 17 victory and was an appropriate ending as they saluted the 1986 National Championship team.

Elsewhere, the Crimson Tide turned into a bloody tsunami as they thoroughly devastated an outmatched and outclassed Ole Miss team by a 52-7 margin. And the score still doesn’t tell the story on how much of a route this really was. Trent Richardson racked up over 180 yards and also gave us a Heisman signature moment on a 76 yard run as he made the Rebs look like a Junior High Team.

The Bayou Bengals added another notch to their win column as they dismantled the Coon Hounds by a score of 38-7 in Knoxville. The Vols may have got a little bit of false hope after finishing the 1st quarter tied up at 0. But, the Big Cats bared their claws and reminded the homestanding Tennesseans that this was not last year as they piled on the points to make sure Les Miles didn’t have to manage the clock.

And down at Davis-Wade over in Starkville, the Chickens escaped with their lives as they were almost Southern Fried by the pesky Bulldogs. These roosters almost broke the rules of nature by nearly laying an egg in a 14-12 win. QB Conner Shaw tossed a jump ball to a leaping Alshon Jeffery to give the visiting Columbians the victory. But this one will be bittersweet as the Gamecocks finally got rid of the troubled Stephen Garcia and lost workhorse RB Marcus Lattimore to a knee injury. No word yet on how serious it is but let’s wish the young man well.

Up in Tortoise-land, the Clemson Tigers were obviously sickened by the sight of the homestanding Terrapins home uniforms and fell behind 28-10. Young QB Tajh Boyd was obviously fed some Dramamine by Coach Dabo Swinney and led the comeback as the #8 Orange clad Cats to come away from a 56-45 shootout with a win.

The Nuts from the North got by the Ilini with a gameplan that Coach Luke “The Pickel” Fickell designed to keep the ball out of QB Braxton Miller’s hands. It worked like a charm. I’m sure the Buckie’s will be bucking for a place in the polls after the game but if the pollsters are smart they’ll remember that the Cheeseheads of Wisconsin loom on the horizon for the ‘Eyes and won’t waste their votes.

And, finally, the Trojans of USC made the Cal Bruins pay for their fashion faux pas by taking this game 30-9. The 5-1 Kiffin led T-bones created numerous turnovers in the win over a fellow weak sister in the PAC (Pitiful Athletic Conference)-12. I will give this to the PAC-12. They can count, unlike other conferences, although I suspect Stanford had something to do with that.

Well, folks, it’s that time again. Let’s get to the Peach State Prognostication. Let’s take a close, in-depth look at what happened with our two in-state institutions of higher learning. The Dawgs dodged a bullet and the Wreck threw a rod. Georgia is winning the games it’s supposed to win, but, beating traditional SEC bottom feeders in less than convincing fashion is not impressive. However, an SEC road win will get you some bonus points. On the other hand, a loss to a traditionally mediocre conference rival in the ACC (Athletically Challenged Conference) will make your stock drop faster than Barrack Obama’s poll numbers. With that in mind, I’m picking this one 35-17 Cow College. When you’re defense can’t stop an angry Chihuahua, the opponent’s offense is going to plow through you like Rosie O’Donnell at a Dolly Madison factory, it’s as simple as that.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE CFB WIZARD READER CONTEST

As promised Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will have a monthly contest until the end of the season and the winners will have the chance to meet and hang out with The CFB Wizard at an upcoming book signing and discuss a variety of college football topics over lunch as well as receive an autographed picture of my Black Lab “Doc”
(He signs all his own autographs)

This week’s Contest involves a test of your College Football Knowledge.

In the picture below can you identify the lone Oklahoma Sooner’s Cheerleader amongst the Nebraska Cornhusker’s Cheerleaders?

Please submit your answers via the CFB Wizard website, you must be at least eighteen (18) years old to enter and all employees, staff and unpaid interns of the CFB Wizard are not illegible.

The Winners will be named in upcoming articles…

Good Luck!

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,
I got this problem and I wanna know if you kin help me.
See, I got this, ah, friend who got in trouble after tha Alabama-Auburn game last year.
He got all liquered up, and got all mad, and when out and, well…. let’s say he messed up some bushes that belonged to the sorry-assed Auburn folks over in Timmy’s Corners.
Well, after that he was kinda skeered but he called up this radio fella that was doin a show and told em what he done and all and the dang law tracked him down. Well, after that all them dang Auburn Tiger people started messin with him and he had ta move outta the state fer awhile after he got through with some jailin and court stuff.
So he got himself a lawyer but that dang fella said not to call that radio fella and, well, my friend just couldn’t help hisself and he kept callin. I mean, Barbara Dooley calls them folks up all the time and nobody gets her in trouble. Now the lawyer fella up and quit on my friend. So here’s my question, is there such a thang as a law bout killin a bush or two?
Is them Auburn folks a bunch of bush huggers?
And do you know where I can get me another good lawyer? Ah, for my friend?

Thanks Mr Wizard –
ArveyHay Dikeupway

A: I don’t care who you are, this is funny as hell.

Q: Hey Dude are you going to join us at the “Occupy Wall Street” March?

Chip – Ithaca, New York

A: Chip I think you stumbled across the wrong website…
I think you are looking for…

I’m a Dumbass.org

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

DELTA STATE: Congratulations to the Fighting Okra for knocking off the previously undefeated North Alabama Lions and taking over the Number 1 position in Division II Football.

That was one heck of a game.

OLE MISS: Do you still have a “Marching Band” or did you find that “politically incorrect” too?
The reason I ask is….
During the game last week with Alabama your public address system at the stadium belted out an 80’s soundtrack throughout the entire game; I never once heard the marching band play.

ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: As I have mentioned on numerous occasions…
I dearly love ESPN’s College Game Day, it’s the best there is anywhere…

But they punted one in the stands last Saturday with the segment entitled..
“College Football Fashion Police”

Attempting to justify the ugly ass uniforms of Maryland, Michigan and Oregon doesn’t make us like them any better; it makes us loath them all the more.

KENTUCKY: I want to take this time to apologize to the Kentucky Wildcat Football Fans…
For not picking their game last Saturday. But here is what happened…

It was a close contest but the Wildcats pulled it out with a late field goal in the closing moments

The Score….
Kentucky 17 Bye Week 14….

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: Speaking of the University of Kentucky Football Team…
With all the talk of the Texas A&M Aggies joining the Southeastern Conference, the National Sports media has missed another story of interest going on in the Conference.
While Texas A&M is in the process of joining the SEC, The University of Kentucky Football team is looking to move to the 13th Region of Kentucky 5A High School Football under the stipulation that they don’t have to play the Mighty (8-0) Harlan County Black Bears for two years.

More on this story as it develops…

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: This message is for Ms. Wendi Nix in the ESPN College Football Studio…..

We all know that you are just as cute as can be….

But sweetheart, you need to learn how to “pronounce” the names of the respective colleges and the names of their teams if you are going to give a score update. I know, I know….

“Wisconsin” is a BIG word and so is “Louisiana State University” which is actually three words

But if you don’t get “Hooked on Phonics” very quickly….
Your employers at ESPN are going to think you are drinking on the job.

CARSON NEWMAN: Has the Spark gone out of the Eagles?

TEXAS TECH: Are you all missing Coach Mike Leach yet? Just wondering…

MICHIGAN: The “new” Wolverine uniforms look like a group of ten year olds ate some high lighters and then vomited on some blue jerseys. And if that isn’t bad enough…

I have on good authority that the “new” uniforms with the large “M” on the front of the Michigan jerseys almost caused the Wolverines to be late for the opening kickoff last week.

The Michigan players thought all the jersey’s were medium’s and they spent most of the morning looking for their correct sizes.

ST OALF: Congratulations on winning the Cereal Bowl and the Goat Trophy last week..
I told you all that was a serious rivalry, didn’t I?

SOUTH CAROLINA: So they say that Coach Steve is an “Offensive Genius…”
Well they got it half right…..

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: I don’t know which was worse last week…

CBS College Football “commentator” Vern Lunquest trying to “feel up” Peyton Manning in the booth…..
Or Peyton Manning seemingly enjoying it

SEC REFEREE’S: So let me be sure I have this right….
Ole Miss got beat by the score of 52 to 7 last week and they didn’t have a single penalty?
Not one?

One of the best defenses in the entire country rushes the passer and nobody holds, not once?
Really?

So here’s my question, if Ole Miss didn’t commit any errors then how did they lose?

PAC 12: I read recently that “television revenue is down in the PAC 12 Conference and the Conference is going to create a committee to determine the reason for the loss of viewership”

Let me save you dumbasses some time so you don’t have to convene a damn committee.

Your football games come on at Midnight on the East Coast (That’s Eastern Standard Time if you are unaware) and Eleven o’clock Central Time and NOBODY is going to stay up and watch those games after watching Oklahoma, LSU, Alabama, and Clemson, Wisconsin etc…

There is your answer, think of me as a “time saver”, no need to thank me.

GEORGIA: If your coaches want to wrestle (or Wrastle as we say in the South) with opposing coaches there is a league for that and it isn’t in college football.

CLEMSON: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

ALABAMA: If this isn’t the run of the week, then I don’t know what is….
It’s worth another look

Enjoy….

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE GAMES

Thursday October 20th

Central Florida at UAB
One thing you can say about the Blazers, they have been consistent all year.
O’ SO very GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-10

West Alabama at West Georgia
These two teams are battling to see who makes the playoffs and who stays at home.
It’s going to be a barn burner, believe it.
BAMA WEST 31-28

UCLA at Arizona
This is the very best game on Thursday Night at Midnight on ESPN U
Yippee
BRUINS 24-21

Friday October 21st

Rutgers at Louisville
I’m not so sure the Cardinal’s are all that Strong right now.
JERSEY BOY’S 28-24

West Virginia at Syracuse
I hope Otto the Orange isn’t setting on a couch when this game is over.
That costume of his looks flammable to me.
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-21

Saturday October 22nd

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten or whatever Game and you know what that means
That’s right kids, another Rivalry Trophy!
This rivalry in farm country is played for the John Deere Tractor Terrarium Trophy
(I hear it’s all in 3D)
HAWKEYES 34-17

Oklahoma State at Missouri
I am afraid the Prairie Wind is going to do naughty things to MO…
But I think Larry and Curley will be alright as long as they get out of the way.
COWBOY UP! 38-24

Cincinnati at South Florida
The Boy’s from Tampa started the Season out with a Bang….
And then fizzled out like a wet firecracker.
I don’t get it
BEARKATS 33-28

North Carolina Pembroke at Carson Newman
I am trying to believe that the Spark hasn’t gone out of the Mighty Eagles
I really am trying….
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-34

Kansas State at Kansas
This instate rivalry is called “The Sunflower Showdown”
I am glad it isn’t called the “Petunia Playoff” or I would have had to make fun of it.
WILDCATS 24-21

Illinois at Purdue
Guess what’s coming up…..
That’s Right, another rivalry Trophy!
The winners of this game receive the Ricardo Montalban Rich Corinthian Leather Trophy
The losers of the game get to drive a rusted out 80’s model Chrysler Cordoba for a year.
People in this part of the country like to think of this game as a win-win.
Also a Purdue Cannon is involved somehow, which is strange.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 28-17

Jacksonville State at Kentucky
The Wildcats are coming off an impressive showing during the Bye Week…
And the Gamecocks of J-Ville aren’t what they once were a couple of years ago.
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 24-10

Arkansas at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt…..
This week, not so much..
HAWGS 34-17

Delaware at Rhode Island
I stand by my convictions…
I cannot pick a team whose entire existence is predicated on a lie.
Rhode Island ISN’T a Damn Island! Get it straight people!
BLUE HENS 38-17

Western Michigan at Eastern Michigan
Another Battle in the Land of Michigan for the Chili MAC and Cheese Trophy!
If you add some chopped onions and Tabasco to that Trophy, it’s delicious.
BRONCO’S 34-28

Marist at Butler
This game really made me think….
I sure hope Marist has a Butler…
That girl deserves that kind of treatment, she is a real Fox
RED FOXES 28-24

Valdosta State at Delta State
The Delta Fighting Okra has another Top 5 opponent this week in the Mighty Blazers.
It’s going to be a championship fight until the final whistle blows.
Believe it
FIGHTING OKRA 31-28

Central Michigan at Ball State
This game may finally answer the question…
How much wood could a Chippewa chuck if a Chippewa could chuck wood?
(Say that one three times fast and see what happens)
CARDINAL’S 34-28

Cal Poly at North Dakota
Does Polly want a cracker?
How about some……
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-17
(I just love saying that…)

Muhlenberg at Juniata
I know a couple of things about this game that may have an outcome on the contest.
Juanita has what we like to refer to as an “Anger Management Problem” and she likes to scrap and by that I don’t mean “Scrap Book”.
And the Mule Face Girl, well….
I hear she has a “Great Personality”….
J-LO 28-13

New Mexico at Texas Christian
The Lobo’s get the Lowdown on a Horn Frog Beat Down in Cow Town
Believe it
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Presbyterian at Georgia Southern
The only “Blue” the Blue Ho’s are going to get in this game is “The Statesboro Blues”
SOUTHERN EAGLES 43-21

Idaho State at Brigham Young
I don’t know if Famous Potatoes State has any Ida Honkies like the University of Idaho does
But you can’t stop a man from dreaming….
COUGARS 41-17

North Dakota State at South Dakota State
There is a lot of Dakota and States in this game.
But as Vince Vaughn would say in “Four Christmas’s”…
“This is how we handle our business in the Bison State momma…”
BIG OLE BISONS 34-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
It’s official….
The Hokey Pokeys have turned themselves around
FIGHTING TURKEYS 24-17

Temple at Bowling Green
The Hooting has gone out of the owls and the Falcons are flying again.
Sorry, but that’s how it is…
GREEN FALCONS 33-17

Memphis at Tulane
This game will be like watching two old people in a nursing home fighting over a cup of pudding
At first it’s kind of funny, and then it’s just sad.
ELVIS’S TIGERS 17-13

Air Force at Boise State
I never would have thought the Mighty United States Air Force Academy couldn’t fly….
But they sure are playing like it lately
BRONCO’S 43-24

East Carolina at Navy
Ever since the game against the Air Force Academy…..
I am afraid my Midshipmen have run aground.
PIRATES 38-21

Auburn at LSU
I have some advice for the Auburn folks in this game.
I wouldn’t let that drunken War Eagle fly around too much in Death Valley…
The Folks down there will kill and eat anything.
Welcome to Death Valley
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-14

Oregon at Colorado
I am having a hard time remembering why I should care about this game…
That’s right I don’t, never mind.
QUACKS 6-3

Ursinus at Susquehanna
The University playing Susie this weekend reminds me of all the times I got in trouble in Astronomy class in College. The female Professor would ask….
”Young man what are you staring at?”
And I would reply….
“I’m staring at your Uranus”
(That joke never got old for me…)
SUSIE Q 31-17

Ohio at Akron
This game features another Buckeye State Battle and Rivalry…
This one is played for the Yak Ass Trophy, which looks eerily similar to…
Rosie O’Donnell’s face, when she hasn’t shaved.
I’m just saying….
FRANK’S CATS 33-31

Texas A&M at Iowa State
The Cyclones haven’t generated enough wind lately to classify as a decent popcorn fart
GIG EM AGGIES 41-24

Nebraska at Minnesota
The Groundhogs came out of their respective holes last week and saw their shadows…
And you know what that means…
Six more weeks of losing football games..
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-10

Montana State at Northern Colorado
The Bears of Colorado have been improving each week this season…
But not so much this week
BOBCATS 31-17

Fresno State at Nevada
You know what they say..
“What Happens in Vegas, usually results in an untreatable STD”
WOLF PACK 38-17

Marshall at Houston
My Fans in Beautiful Huntington West Virginia know I appreciate them and I pull for the Thundering Herd each and every week. But there is an exception to every rule…
This week being the exception to that particular rule
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-21

Montana at Northern Arizona
The Lumberjacks can’t climb high enough to get away from the….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-13

Miami (OH) at Toledo
This evenly matched rivalry in the Buckeye State is played for the coveted…
“Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”
Because I don’t care…
REDHAWKS 28-24

Utah at California
I am really excited about this game!
I have never seen Two Utes ride a bear before!
TWO UTES 28-24

Army at Vanderbilt
The Commodores (Not the unbelievably talented Musical Group) almost beat the Georgia Bulldogs last Saturday night and that’s good enough for me here.
BRICKHOUSE COMMODORES 34-17

MIT at Salve Regina
I don’t know why the Mississippi Institute of Technology is playing this Yugoslavian girl
But she better have her “Big Girl” pants on for this game, those Mississippi Folks are tough.
MISS TECH 31-17

Penn State at Northwestern
There was time when the Wildcats could compete with Joe Pa and the Happy Valley Lions.
This however isn’t the time
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-17

Tulsa at Rice
Rice University has one of the most extensive research and testing facilities that you could find anywhere in the country and their Engineering Department is second to none.
Which of course means absolutely nothing here…
I just wanted to say something positive before the Owls got their ass kicked.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-14

Louisiana Monroe at North Texas
I have an idea that will help Monroe get those blood stains out of his uniform.
Try using a little…
MEAN GREEN 28-17

Tennessee at Alabama
The team’s records or standings don’t matter in this game
This game is Republicans and Democrats
Oil and Water
Cowboys and Indians
Except its worse…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Amen Brother…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17

Southern California at Notre Dame
This age old grudge feast is played for the coveted “Jeweled Shillelagh”
You can catch all the action of this gridiron matchup on NBC….
Which of course stands for “No Body Cares”
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma
So Red Raider fans…..
How do you like that Coach Tommy Tub now?
If he is a “defensive genius” then I’m a Polish Astronaut…
BOOMER SOONERS 52-10

Washington at Stanford
I have two very good reasons why I will not be able to watch this game…
“Sea Monkeys” on QVC “For Fun and Profit”
Actually that is more than two words, but you get the picture
CARDINAL 44-17

Wisconsin at Michigan State
This game will be a lot (a Lot) closer than you might think…
So don’t be surprised if it goes the other way
BUCKY BADGER 28-24

Southern Methodist at Southern Miss
Both of these teams are Red Hot…
It’s sure to be one heck of a game in Hattiesburg
It’s a Toss-up
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-28

Hope at Trine
I really Hope Trine Wins this game…
WATERMELON TRINE 24-17

Middle Tennessee at Florida Atlantic
I believe the Owls are all but Hooted out in this one
BLUE RAIDERS 34-17

Colorado State at UTEP
This is sure to be a Big game in the…..
Western Middle Somewhere out West Not in My Time Zone Conference
I can hardly wait
MINERS 28-21

Oregon State at Washington State
I haven’t been this disappointed in Beavers since I went to my first Carnival Sideshow
(NO, it wasn’t that kind of Carnival Sideshow)
Never mind….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 24-21

Maryland at Florida State
If the Fighting Linoleum Floor Panels wear those God awful uniforms to Tallahassee…
Then I have an idea where Chief Osceola can plant his spear.
MIGHTY SEMINOLES 38-28

Georgia Tech at Miami
The Rambler’s Wrecked last Saturday; But Hurricane Season is just about over
YELLOW JACKETS 34-24

St Olaf at Augsburg
St. O’ has won the prized Cereal Bowl and the coveted Goat Trophy last week.
(Did I not tell you all that was a serious rivalry, believe me now?)
And that’s good enough for me.
ST. OLIE 28-17

North Carolina at Clemson
The Tar Heels will keep this one close for a little while…
But these aren’t the same Ole Tigers that fade when the season goes along.
These Tigers are for Real; Believe it
DABO’S TIGERS 34-24

North Carolina State at Virginia
These Pack of Wolves are playing more like a fresh litter of Chihuahua puppies
CAVALIERS 24-10

Wake Forest at Duke
The Blue Devils will keep this one close….
Until they hear “And the Home of the Brave…”
Then they will be down by two touchdowns
DEMON DEACONS 38-17

Sunday October 23rd

New Mexico State at Hawaii
This game in Hawaii is an upset and I will tell you why…
I’m upset that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” still hasn’t started their new Season on A&E
(Please see your local listings for times in your area)
LASSO LARRY 31-28

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I was traveling recently and was forced to set next to a group of folks from New York City complaining about “Everything in the South” and for the record….

I am convinced that a New York accent is the greatest birth control device known to mankind.

And it occurred to me during this ear rape I was experiencing that I had received an email recently that was perfect for this occasion. I want to share that with you now…

I think it’s just perfect

Enjoy….

This was written by Robert St. John, executive chef and owner of the Purple Parrot Cafe, Crescent City Grill and Mahogany Bar of Hattiesburg, MS.
And for the record those aren’t the only fine restaurants in Mississippi!

My South

Thirty years ago I visited my first cousin in Northern Virginia.
While hanging out with his friend, the discussion turned to popular movies of the day.

When I offered my two-cents on the authenticity and social relevance of the movie Billy Jack, one of the boys asked, in all seriousness; “Do you guys have movie theaters down there?”
To which I replied, “Yep. We wear shoes too.”

Just three years ago, my wife and I were attending a food and wine seminar in Aspen, Colo. We were seated with two couples from Las Vegas. One of the Glitter Gulch gals was amused and downright rude when I described our restaurant as a fine-dining restaurant.

“Mississippi doesn’t have fine-dining restaurants!” she insisted and nudged her companion. I fought back the strong desire to mention that she lived in the land that invented the 99-cent breakfast buffet.

I wanted badly to defend my state, my region, and my restaurant with a 15-minute soliloquy and public relations rant that would surely change her mind. It was at that precise moment that I was hit with a blinding jolt of enlightenment, and in a moment of complete and absolute clarity it dawned on me…..
My South is the best-kept secret in the country.
Why would I try to win this woman over? She might move down here.

I am always amused by Hollywood’s interpretation of the South. We are still, on occasion, depicted as a collective group of sweaty, stupid, backwards-minded, racist rednecks.
The South of movies and TV, the Hollywood South, is not my South.

This is my South:

My South is full of honest, hardworking people. My South is the birthplace of blues and jazz, and rock n’ roll. It has banjo pickers and fiddle players, but it also has BB King, Muddy Waters, the Allman Brothers, Lynyrd Skynyrd , Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Emmylou Harris and a guy named Elvis.

My South is hot. My South smells of newly mowed grass. My South still has kick the can, creek swimming, cane-pole fishing and bird hunting.

In my South, football is King, and the Southeastern Conference is the Kingdom.

My South is home to the most beautiful women on the planet.

In my South, soul food and country cooking are the same thing.

My South is full of fig preserves, cornbread, butter beans, fried chicken, grits and catfish.

In my South, our transistor radios introduced us to the Beatles and the Rolling Stones at the same time they were introduced to the rest of the country.

In my South, grandmothers cook a big lunch every Sunday, so big that we call it dinner
(supper comes later).

In my South, family matters, deeply.

My South is boiled shrimp, blackberry cobbler, peach ice cream, banana pudding and cream pies.

In my South people put peanuts in bottles of Coca-Cola and hot sauce on almost everything.

In my South the tea is iced and almost as sweet as the women.

My South has air-conditioning.

My South is camellias, azaleas, wisteria and hydrangeas.

In my South, the only person that has to sit on the back of the bus is the last person that got on the bus.

In my South, people still say ‘Yes, ma’am,’ ‘No ma’am,’ ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you.’

In my South, we all wear shoes….most of the time.

My South is the best-kept secret in the country.

Please continue to keep the secret. . . .it keeps the idiots away.

Amen Brother

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This week….
I write to you from high atop my mountain compound that is the RTR Ranch and Sanatorium.

I felt obligated to be in a “safe” place to write this week since the Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and the Kansas State Wildcats are both undefeated (6-0) for the first time since the Pilgrims played a Thanksgiving Football game. Because as we all know, that is one of the first signs of the coming Apocalypse.

But enough about the end of the world, let’s talk College Football

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
Despite screwing up the “High School Player of the Week” nominations…
And getting embarrassed with “Upset Specials” that only seemed to upset yours truly..

Was an astounding 48 and 11 or 81%
(Please hold your astonishment until the very end of the article..)

That leaves the CFB Wizard after 6 weeks in the college football season at 348 and 77 or 82%

Now you may release your individual astonishment…

Enjoy your Picks…

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

The 50th annual Winnersville Classic in Georgia between the Valdosta Wildcats and Lowndes County Vikings was played in front a packed Martin Stadium last Friday night with the Wildcats coming up with an amazing 21-17 victory. The Cats were led by Jr. Quarterback Shelby Wilkes who was a backup player when the season started. This improbable win was the first for Valdosta since 2003 and seemed all but impossible heading into the final minute of play with Lowndes up 17-7 on the visiting Cats. Wilkes led the Cats on a 60 yard drive with 48 seconds left. Valdosta then recovered the onside kick to give Wilkes one last shot. That was all he needed as he connected with Avery Burney for a 35 yard touchdown to send the visitors to a victory.

Congratulations to Shelby Wilkes and the Valdosta Wildcats!

SOUTH GEORGIA NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!

I’m sad to report that the hometown Trojans lost another tough game to Region 2-A opponent Irwin County Friday night. The boys in blue traveled to Ocilla to take on the home standing Indians and came away on the short end of a 21-3 score. These boys played tough and fought hard all night but just couldn’t push the rock across the goal line. The season may be two thirds complete, but you can see definite improvement with every game that goes by.

Next up is a trip down south to Folkston, Georgia to take on the 6-1 Indians of Charlton County. It’s going to be a long trip to take on a tough team, but I’ve got faith that the Trojans will represent Telfair County with pride and courage.

Up in the Georgia state capitol, the Paul Johnson’s Bee’s took on the Astro-Terps of Maryland and held on by the fuzz of their thoraxes for a 21-16 win. Two weeks in a row these bees knees have played down to the competition. The Trade School was held to a season low in points, total offense, and passing yards against one of the weak(er) sisters of the Almost Competitive Conference. Defense got a stop in the 4th quarter to actually salvage a win. The Wreck takes on Virginia next week in another game against a less than stellar opponent.

Meanwhile, up the road in Knoxville, the Red Clay Hounds took on the Orange Clad Volunteers and walked away with a 20-12 win. The 6-6 score at halftime didn’t begin to tell the tale of futility of the two opponents as the two teams traded field goals. The Cow College distanced themselves in the 3rd with a couple of touchdowns and the defense played with inspiration to turn the orange-clad Knox-villains away and keep them out of the end zone. Next up for the Hounds is a tough Vanderbilt team coming to play between the hedges. The Dawgs continue to show improvement as the season goes on, but, the true test of their mettle will be in two weeks with a trip to Jacksonville for the renewal of the annual World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.

And up in Statesboro, the Pigeons hung on to pin a loss on the visiting Snakes from Chattanooga. The Eagles took a 21-7 lead to the locker room at halftime but the Mocs put a scare into the hometown crowd by tying the score with just over 9 minutes left in the fourth. QB Jaybo Shaw put the hometown heroes up with a Southern 4th quarter score but the Chattanoogaan’s weren’t done as they also scored the potential game tying touchdown. Fortunately, Eagle’s defender Josh Rowe rushed the Mocs QB on the 2 point conversion attempt and the ball fell harmlessly to the Erk Russel rug to preserve the number 1 ranked Eagle’s win.

In other action, a new era was ushered into Williams-Brice Stadium as the Kentucky Wildcats traveled to Columbia to take on the Conner Shaw led Gamecocks. What a difference a week makes. After being left for dead by the Barners of Alabama, the Gamecocks hung 54 points on the Lexington Big Blue. And once again the defense got in on the action with 6 turnovers. It’s only Kentucky, Gamecock fans, so don’t make reservations to the SEC Championship game yet.

Over in Bryant-Denny, the Tuscaloosa Pachyderms sent the Commodores down the gang plank as they sunk Vanderbilt 34-0. A.J. McCarron had season highs in TDs and passing yards as the Boys from Bama posted scores in all 4 quarters in another convincing SEC win.

Mark November 5th on your calendars folks.
The immovable object meets the unstoppable force as the Bayou Bengals travel to T-Town for a game that may also leave people on the front rows of the stadium battered and bruised!

Over in Fayetteville, the Razorbacks took on the Tigers from the Plains, who have an identity crisis since they have an Eagle for a mascot, and dropped the visitors to 4-2 on the season with a convincing 38-14 win. The Aubies were soundly thrashed by their hosts and left holding a rather tenuous grip on 3rd place in the SEC West.

Elsewhere, the Oklahoma Sooners took on the Longhorns of Texas in the Red River Rivalry. No, Texas, that wasn’t a Sooner Schooner that ran over you, it was a Mack Truck. The Pioneers thoroughly dominated Bevo’s Boys to the tune of 55-17. It was close after 15 minutes but once the Okie Dokie got hot they tore through Texas like a prairie fire.

Clemson continued its winning ways with a sound win against the visiting Boston College Iggles. QB Tajh Boyd was hurt in the win but it’s not thought to be too serious. The Orange Tigers take on the Rambling Wreck in Bobby-Dodd in two weeks in a game which will determine which of these two is a contender and which one is a pretender.

Up in corn country, the Corn Shuckers turned away the Nutty Buddies of Ohio in one of the greatest comebacks in Nebraska history. The Taylor Martinez led Farm Hands came back from a 21 point deficit to turn the visitors around and send the visitors back to Columbus sporting a 3-3 record. And finally, the Golden Domers topped the Wing Nuts of Air Force 59-33. In the first of two games against the Service Academies, the South Benders routed another less than stellar opponent in their attempt to occupy a spot in the bottom of the top 25. But, one question comes to mind that I’ve always wanted to ask. Why does a Catholic School have a mural of Touchdown Jesus in their end zone? Are they trying to send a message to the Pope?

Now it’s time again for the Peach State Prognostication. I really didn’t see much to get excited about from either team. But, get ready Dawg fans, for the pendulum is swinging.

I’m going to have to go with the Clark Countians by a 27-21 score this week.

Why, you ask? Simple; Defense. The Jackets don’t have much and the Dawgs do. The futility of the offenses offset each other. Plus, after coming off of a rough two weeks to start the season, the Athenians are showing character in winning by any means necessary.
I could be wrong, but gut feeling says the tide may be turning.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

(FULL MOON) EMAILS OF THE WEEK

Q: You are a damn raciest! I have never in my life read such garbage!

Do you have any idea that comparisons like you made with Coach Phil Fulmer to monkeys are raciest?
Or are you just that stupid? I have never read anything so insulting and degrading!

You should apologize for such disgusting rants.

Debra – Nashville, Tennessee

A: Thank you so much Debra for taking the time to point this out to me.
You are right.
I want to take this time to apologize to any Chimpanzees, Gorillas, Orangutans or Spider Monkeys that were offended by my comparisons of them to the vile and disgusting Phil Fulmer.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
I got this question that’s kinda puzzlin me an yore bout the smartest man on tha planet so I figured you could help me. I was watchin a football game on tha TV and they had this thing they give out that made me just scratch my haid. See theres this award they give to tha “top African-American scholar athlete.”
I just don’t understand that.
Aint that racist?
Didn’t that Marty Lutheran King fella say sumpin bout judgin folks by the contents of their characters and not by the color of their skin or sumpin like that? Well if you is judgin folks by that how can they just give out a award for a Afircan American college football fella cause he’s Afircan American?
And here’s sompin else that’s got me ta just shakin my head. They got that club called the N-A-A-C-P. Just in case you didn’t know, that means National Association for the Advancement of Colered people.
Well, I don’t know bout where you come from, but down in these here parts, if you say sumpin bout colered folks, theres some people that get real riled up. I mean, I don’t know whether ta say colered, or black, or Afircan American.

So, can you help me out and set me straight on somma this stuff. Im real confused.

Lemuel in Ludowici

A: Thank you for the fine compliment Lemuel, but I’m not sure I can help you out on this topic as I prefer to identify people by their names and not by something else. But…..
The good news in all this is that “Saltine Crackers” will be promoting their own scholarship athlete in the coming weeks.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

We are Big Fans! We love your column!
We have a question for you Mister Wizard!
So like what is the first thing you do every morning to get you ready for the day?

GO MIZZOU TIGERS!

Delores, Margaret and Janice – Kansas City, Missouri

A: Thank you for the kind email Ladies…
When I wake up the first thing I do each and every morning is….

“Remember the Alamo”

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I noticed that some weeks you “don’t do so well” on your college football picks.
(No disrespect intended)
So what is your secret to bouncing back from a tough week?
I am having kind of a tough time myself and was wondering what your secret was?

Thanks Dude your website rocks
Steve – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Thank you for the compliment on the website Steve..

I wouldn’t suggest my “method” for clearing one’s mind to anyone Steve it is far too harsh and potentially dangerous but “IF” you decide to submit yourself to such a treatment, then I can only wish you good luck and I will not answer any phone calls from your personal injury attorney.

I would suggest listening to “Black Oak Arkansas” backwards for three hours.

Then you will understand what they truly mean by “Jim Dandy to the Rescue”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH CAROLINA: So Coach Steve…..
You didn’t decide to take a knee in the last minute of the game; instead you opted to score again.
Then you thought it was “cute” to be a smartass at the post game news conference and make fun of Kentucky’s futility in the game. Classy Coach, real Classy.

Then to make things even better….
You have a complete PMS meltdown at your Tuesday news conference over (of all things) a reporter being in the room “you didn’t like”.

And to top it all off you kick Stephen Garcia off the team for what, the thirteenth time?

Sounds like somebody needs to retire…for good.

OREGON: Aren’t you all on probation yet or are you still Ducking the NCAA?

TEXAS: I was always told if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

So I won’t

DR. PEPPER COMMERCIAL: If I see your stupid commercial featuring some jackass in sunglasses singing some stupid Hip Hop crap to Dr. Pepper again; in the name of Elvis I swear I am going to shoot my television screen out.

AIR FORCE: I can’t believe I saw the United States Air Force get Bombed last Saturday…
And for the record I am talking about the game with Notre Dame not Saturday Night’s shenanigans at the Officers Club.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: How are you Trojans enjoying your Lame Kitten?

TEXAS A&M: I hope my article this week helped with you all with your “marriage plans”….

No need to thank me

TENNESSEE: I know Volunteer fans are frustrated, it’s because you are impatient and were used to winning, even if it was with thugs and criminals. But let this be said and let it sink in…

This is the first time in at least twenty years…..

Twenty years….

There hasn’t been any off season arrest of ANY Tennessee Football Players…

No Rapes, No attempted Murders, No Thefts, No Drunk and Fighting Police..NO Nothing.

This Coach has the team headed in the right direction and is in the process of restoring integrity to the football program; all you have to do is give him a chance.

That is unless having rapist, drug dealers and thugs on the team are “Ok” as long as you are winning.

OKLAHOMA: Congratulations on a Big win in the Red River Stampede

KENTUCKY: Coach Phillips this isn’t a Joke….

You better get it get it together real quick….
Even though The Kentucky Wildcats are the Men’s Basketball Flagship of the Conference, the Wildcat faithful don’t like getting their respective asses handed to them in such a rude fashion.

NCAA: The latest news….

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — The NCAA says it found no major violations committed by Auburn regarding Cam Newton or other pay-for-play allegations.

The NCAA released a statement Wednesday saying it has closed its 13-month investigation into Auburn’s recruitment of the Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback, whose father shopped his services to another school for nearly $200,000.

The NCAA also cleared Auburn in allegations by four former players that they received payments during their recruitment or careers.

The NCAA says “any allegations of major rules violations must meet a burden of proof, which is a higher standard than rampant public speculation online and in the media.”

It also says the investigation could be reopened if evidence surfaces.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t think this is over, because it isn’t. More next week….

THE GAMES

Thursday October 13th

Texas Southern at Alabama A&M
This game is what college football is all about….
Cats against the Dogs
The Tigers of Southern will come up short in this contest
But their “Ocean of Soul Marching Band” is not to be missed
BAMA DOGS 31-27

Delta State at North Alabama
The Fighting Okra against my beloved Florence Lions
Both of these teams are red hot, but I have to go with the home team
(It’s an Alabama thing….)
MIGHTY LIONS 34-28

San Diego State at Air Force
I don’t know if the Falcons can recover from being carpet bombed by the Fighting Irish…
But I am betting they will…
FALCONS 33-31

Southern California at California
This “big” instate rivalry in California has been “renamed” recently to….
“More accurately reflect California values…”
Thus this rivalry is now named….
“The Illegal Aliens, Gay Lesbian Transgendered Diversity, Mudslides, Wildfires, Outrageous Taxes, Gridlock Traffic Game” or “IAGLTDMWOTGT Game” for short…

Catchy don’t you think?
LAMES TROJANS 17-10

Friday October 14th

Hawaii at San Jose State
I am as excited about this game as you all are….
I promise I am!
Because it reminds us all that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” will return to the A&E Network
This Fall on Wednesday Nights (Check your local listings for times)
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting across RAINBOWS 38-17

Saturday October 15th

Michigan at Michigan State
This instate rivalry is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan Ax Trophy”
No word yet on who get’s “Babe” the Big Blue Ox.
WOLVERINES 38-17

Utah at Pittsburgh
Lately the Two Ute’s are playing like they got liquored up behind the playground.
Not that I am judging
I’m just saying….
TWO UTES 31-28

Salisbury at Alfred
I had no idea that the Salisbury Steak people had their own college.
That’s the kind of news that will give men everywhere hope
SALISBURY STEAK & GRAVY 24-17

Baylor at Texas A&M
This long standing Rivalry in the Lone State State has been played each year since 1899
They call it “The Battle of the Brazos”
It’s coming to an end because of the Aggies love of money
How proud they must be
BEAR DOWN 33-31

Indiana at Wisconsin
This “intense” rivalry in the Big Ten or Twelve is relatively new in comparison to their other conference rivalries. This particular rivalry is played for the…..
“Captain and Tennille Muskrat of Love Trophy”
As a safety tip: Always wash your hands after touching the Muskrat of Love Trophy
BADGERS 43-10

Toledo at Bowling Green
This battle in the Buckeye State is called “The Battle of I-75”
I think the winner gets a chunk of asphalt and a piece of an old guardrail
Which is nice
RICKY ROCKET 28-21

St Francis at Sacred Heart
Here we go again….
These arrogant people think they are the only ones with a “Sacred Heart”
Well I got a “News Flash” for them….
They Aren’t!
St. Francis was a pretty cool cat himself
PIONEERS 28-17

Campbell at Marist
I am not too sure about Gaylord the Camel
(But we all have our suspicions about Gaylord, don’t we?)
But I do know that Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX’S 34-14

Moravian at Susquehanna
You may not believe this…
But Morey isn’t ready for Susie this Saturday….
She has a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants and some Lee Press On Nails and that girl is ready for a tussle, Believe it.
SUSIE Q 28-10

Purdue at Penn State
You guessed it….
Another Big Ten or whatever game means “another” rivalry trophy
This game is played for the coveted “Joe Pa’s Dentures”
Which have bit the Boilermakers in the ass ever since the Lions joined the Big Ten.
Some things never change…
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
This Battle on the Ohio River is called “The Battle for the Keg of Nails”
And the winner of the game gets a…..
“Keg of Nails”
I think this game is sponsored by Home Depot
BEARKATS 28-24

South Carolina at Mississippi State
The Roosters and the Bulldogs sounds like a fight in the barnyard..
And that’s exactly what it will be too.
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Miami at North Carolina
These two teams confuse the hell out of me.
One week they look great and the next week…
They couldn’t beat the Breaux Bridge dance Academy
This one is a tossup
TAR HEELS 24-21

Navy at Rutgers
The Last team the Midshipmen went to New Jersey the local fans booed them…
That’s right…
They Booed the Midshipmen from the United States Naval Academy while the country is at war in two countries. I hope the Midshipmen haven’t forgotten it, I damn sure haven’t forgotten.
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Gardner Webb at Presbyterian
I have promised you loyal readers that I would have pictures of the Blue Ho’s Cheerleaders

I can’t tell if those ladies are cold or are they just big Smurf fans?
BLUE HO’S 34-17

UNLV at Wyoming
The Rebel’s haven’t been doing too much running and the Cowboys seem to have lost their horses, so this game is all about, who sucks worse than the other guys.
COWBOY UP! 21-17

Appalachian State at Citadel
The Mountaineers are going to take a rolled up newspaper and spank the Bulldogs.
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

LSU at Tennessee
Last year…
The Volunteers had the Tigers beat in Death Valley until “simple math” raised its ugly head.
This one will be closer than you might think, a lot closer
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-21

Wabash at Oberlin
This game brings up a very interesting question….
I wonder if Oberlin can play the Wabash Cannonball.

I can almost hear Ole Roy Acuff singing now…

“Oh listen to the jingle
The rumble and the roar
As she glides along the woodlands
Through the hills and by the shore
Hear the mighty rush of her engine
Hear that lonesome hobo’s call
We’re travelling through the jungles
On the Wabash Cannonball”

Forgive me I was having a flashback there for a moment…
WABASH CANNONBALL 28-21

Furman at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern continue their dominance for another week…
After a soundly thrashing of Furryman.
I wonder if that’s Chewbacca’s cousin.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-24

Florida State at Duke
Last week the Mighty Seminoles proved they weren’t so mighty after all…
They get their confidence back this week…
SEMINOLES 44-10

Rice at Marshall
Sorry Hoot Owls….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Jackson State at Mississippi Valley State
The Delta Devils get Deviled Egged in this one…
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-17

Northern Arizona at Montana State
The Lumberjacks of Arizona get chopped down by the pesky Bobcats
Believe it
BOBCATS 34-28

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate Michigan Rivalry is played each year for the “Michigan MAC Trophy”
Not to be confused for the “Chili Mac and Cheese Trophy”
That thing is delicious
CHIPPEWA’S 28-24

Carleton at St. Olaf
This is a BIG Rivalry game and I’m not joking…
It’s called “The Cereal Bowl” and it’s played for The Goat Trophy and The Cereal Bowl Trophy
(Stop laughing, I’m serious)
ST OLES 31-28

Portland State at Montana
Last year the Vikings upset the Mighty Grizzlies….
Not this year
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Juniata at Ursinus
If you think I am going to make a joke about Juanita having a Urine infection, you are wrong!
It’s a sinus infection
J-LO 24-17

South Florida at Connecticut
The Boy’s from Tampa get back to their winning ways this week
And that’s …
NO BULL 33-17

Colorado at Washington
This game isn’t too difficult to pick…
Since the Buffalo’s haven’t won a road game since William McKinley was President
HUSKIES 28-17

Miami (OH) at Kent State
Another Battle in the Buckeye state and this will be a good one…
It’s played each year for the “Kent State Sucks Trophy”
People up there like to think of it as a “Win-Win” kind of a thing…
REDHAWKS 31-28

Central Florida at Southern Methodist
The Boy’s from O-Town (Not the defunct musically challenged boy band)
Get a rude welcome to Mustang Country
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Ball State at Ohio
The Cats really let me down last week….
It looked like they were rolling to an undefeated season.
They will have to fight the Birds to get back to their winning ways.
It’s going to be close
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Ohio State at Illinois
This Big Ten or whatever Rivalry is played for the “Illibuck”
To be honest, it kind of looks like a tangerine that has gone bad
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
The Rambling Wreck will continue to Ramble until they meet the Mighty Clemson Tigers
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know picks like this just drive the NCAA Speech Police crazy…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

UTEP at Tulane
I get emails all the time from the Green Wave faithful asking…
“Are we going to win any games this year?”
And the answer is always the same….
No, no you will not…
MINERS 33-17

Tennessee Martin at South Alabama
I know, I know…
I do love Mobile Alabama, it’s one of my favorite places in the whole world
But the boys from Martin have a gunslinger at Quarterback this year…
Believe it..
SKYHAWKS 43-10

Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
In the immortal words of the great rural philosopher Forrest Gump…
“This game is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get”
Ain’t it the truth
HILLTOPPERS 24-17

Eastern Illinois at Murray State
This game is between the Panthers and the Racers…
I’m a 100 yard dash man…
RACERS 28-24

New Mexico at Nevada
I think the Lobo’s are on the down low for a yo-yo with a Hobo.
I’m not really sure what that means, but that was all I had for this game.
WOLFPACK 38-28

Oklahoma State at Texas
I don’t want to think about it…
COWBOY UP! 38-24

North Texas at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is going to get an unhealthy dose of the….
MEAN GREEN 38-17

Boise State at Colorado State
The Bronco’s won’t get Rammed this week…
Not by a long shot
BRONCO’S 43-10

Carson Newman at North Greenville
Spark’s Boys are back on track after winning last week…
Let’s I hope it continues, I’m counting on it
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-31

Alabama at Ole Miss
Houston you have a problem….
The Big Red Elephants are coming to town…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-14

Virginia Tech at Wake Forest
The Demon Deacons upset the Mighty Seminoles last week….
No such luck this week
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Georgia at Vanderbilt
Everybody counted the Mighty Bulldogs out except Yours Truly…
There are days my own genius even scares me…
SIC EM DAWGS 31-17

Northwestern at Iowa
It seems like every Tom, Dick and Harry is picking the Wildcats over the Hawkeyes…
Those aren’t my names so I’m under no obligation to follow the crowd on this one
HAWKEYES 28-21

Kansas State at Texas Tech
One question for the Red Raider faithful….
“Do you miss Coach Mike Leach yet?”
If not, you’re about to…
WILDCATS 28-21

Texas A&M Kingsville at Incarnate Word
Well Excuse Me! So you are the ONLY ones that have the Incarnate Word?
I just can’t pick a team that is predicated on such arrogance.
KING TOWN 28-10

Clemson at Maryland
The Mighty Tigers are going to scuff up the Linoleum tile Turtles
And not in a “nice” way….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Florida at Auburn
I didn’t think I would say this two weeks ago….
But this game could go either way.
It’s True
GATOR CHOMP 28-24

East Carolina at Memphis
Say it with me…..
“Elvis has left the building….”
PIRATES 24-17

Occidental at Pomona Pitzer
Do you ever wonder what would happen if you..
“Occidentally took a Pomona Pitzer instead of a laxative?”
Never mind….
POMONA P 21-17

Stanford at Washington State
The Cougars might win this game…..
If the Cardinal plane gets diverted to Detroit
CARDINAL 43-17

UAB at Tulsa
Before any of my friends in Birmingham ask…
“No”, the Blazers will not win another game this year
Sorry….
O’ SO GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Idaho at New Mexico State
The “Ida-Honkies” visits the Land of Lasso Larry and the Aggies…
Sounds like a Party to me…
LASSO LARRY 28-24

Oklahoma at Kansas
This game is going to get uglier than two for one Beer night at the Bowling Alley
BOOMER SOONERS 43-10

Utah State at Fresno State
There are a lot of people that think the Bulldogs have thrown in the towel this year…
I am one of them
AGGIES 31-28

Arizona State at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this marquee matchup in the PAC (Whatever)
But Richard Simmons has a “new” DVD that he is previewing on QVC, it’s called….
“Breaking a Hip to the Oldies”
QUACKERS 7-6

Iowa State at Missouri
This Big 12 (Light) Rivalry game is played for the coveted …
“Telephone Trophy”…..
The funny thing is….
Most of the players on the teams don’t even know what the hell an old “telephone” looks like

MO KNOWS AT&T 24-21

Brigham Young at Oregon State
I know the Cougars have been rolling lately…
But I still believe in the Power of the Almighty Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-24

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s your ole boy Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer country right here in Baneberry Tennessee!

Not only am I a bringing yawl the “Big Orange Report”…….
But I got me an “All Access” pass behind the scenes with Coach Derek Drooley!

Hell Yeah!

The BIG Orange Report

I was going to name this the “All Orange” report but then that Mister Wizard said I couldn’t do it cause it may confuse folks cause there is other “orange” teams. Then I was a wanting to argue that there is only One Orange and that’s the BIG Orange and then he give me this to watch…..
Cause he says Auburn is orange too…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now you know why I don’t tailgate with any of them auburn fans.
They ain’t sophisticated like us Tennessee Volunteers!
Mountain Dew and a damn lizard ain’t good tailgating food!
There wasn’t a beer to be seen in that whole damn thing!

Let’s get to the Big Orange Report before I throwed up from that video

The 2011 Volunteers is bigger, faster and smarter than they was last year.
And even though we got the toughest schedule in the whole nation with games against…

LSU (Now that we learned to count to “11” this year, yawl is going to lose)
Florida (Damn Gators)
Alabama (Damn them all)
Arkansas (I think them Hog hats look stupid)
Georgia (I hate everyone of yawl)
South Carolina (Colonel Sanders called he wants his mascot back)
Vanderbilt (Them smart kids are going to get a ass whopping)
Kentucky (I guarantee a win here)

Then our out of conference schedule get’s even worse with games against..

Middle Tennessee State (Which like a “rival” game)
Montana (They is called the Grizzlies for a reason, their cheerleaders look like bears)
The we got games against two NFL teams and I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone scheduled the Volunteers to play Cincinnati and Buffalo.
Don’t worry we ain’t scared.
We going to win them games too.
You can bet your Slim Jim on it!

Here is my prediction for the season.
Hold on to your seat, this one is going to be a shocker!

The Tennessee Volunteers are going to undefeated this year, win the SEC Championship and be in the BCS Championship game and make the NFL playoffs after they whoop Cincinnati and Buffalo.

It’s Football Time in Tennessee so get ready!

All Access with Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley

As the Biggest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity to follow Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley around practice for a day and set in the front row when Coach Drooley talked to the media folks (Like me)

He even let me take some pictures and I am fixing to show them to you.
It was an awesome day!

Let me tell you what I learned about Coach Drooley….
He is sharp as a damn tack…
During practice he keeps his eyes on everything and he don’t miss nothing!

He even spotted some dog do-do on the football field before somebody stepped in it

I bet Smokey slipped off down there and did his business on the practice field

He showed them Boys how to do a push-up too cause most of them don’t know nothing like that

After looking at this picture again….I might have these things out of order….
This might have been about the time Coach Drooley spotted the dog do-do.

Coach Drooley is a “coach” and teacher….
He takes time with them players like nothing I ever seen before!
Like during the media conference Coach Drooley was a telling them folks in the audience how he shows them boys “how to hold a hamburger”

And how to hold one of them cell phones when you is talking on it

And Coach has ALWAYS been a caring person like that with his players.
He showed me this picture in his office when he was coaching at Louisiana Tech about a kicker that he had that was cross-eyed as a Siamese cat and couldn’t hit the uprights to save his life.

Well before that ole boy would go out there to kick…..
Coach Drooley would start reminding him what the goal post looked like and where to kick the ball

And guess what?
After 116 tries that kicker done split the uprights and got him an extra point! I call that Coaching!

I got to run, the wife is a hollering about something…
I am a going to be back after the first game with some of my “insight” into the games and a surprise or two for yawl! So hang on and get ready for the Damn VOLS!

GO VOLS!
Hootie-Out!

I present your last and final installment of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza for your viewing pleasure.

It’s a shame our boys and girls overseas can’t read about college football on the CFB Wizard.

I guess that’s supposed to make us all safer, right?

Enjoy…

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE

“Listen; does your boy know how to work? Try to teach him to work, to sacrifice, to fight. He better learn now, because he’s going to have to do it someday. I mean, some morning when you’ve been out of school twenty years and you wake up and your house has burned down and your mother is in the hospital and the kids are all sick and you’ve overdrawn at the bank and your wife has run off with the drummer, what are you going to do? Throw in?”

Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant
The University Of Alabama

COLLEGE FOOTBALLTEAM NEWS

NORTH CAROLINA: New Tar Heel Coach “not important enough to remember your name” has stated recently that “the team is on the right track and everything is falling into place.”

EDITORS NOTE: As your college football interpreter this is what the above actually means…

“None of the players has gotten into trouble so far and I hope I can keep my job after the NCAA completes the ultimate destruction of the North Carolina football program”

NORTH DAKOTA: Stop me if you have heard this one before….
The Politically Correct Police at the NCAA are attempting to usurp the authority of the North Dakota State Government and impose their will upon the University of North Dakota “Fighting Sioux”.
Why you may ask?

Because the NCAA “has deemed the Fighting Sioux mascot hostile and abusive”

Meanwhile the North Dakota Legislature passed a bill requiring the University to keep their current name and Governor Jack Dalrymple signed House Bill 1263 into law this year.

The NCAA is standing firm on their diversity high ground and is telling the Governor and the Legislature of a sovereign state of this country that they must reverse this law or the University of North Dakota will face harsh penalties from the “volunteer organization” known as the NCAA. The Big Sky Conference which North Dakota is a part of is also being threatened by the NCAA thought police too, if they keep the “Fighting Sioux” in their conference.

EDITORS NOTE: My discussion of secession from the NCAA, doesn’t seem like such a bad idea now, does it? I know, I’m a pioneer

WEST VIRGINIA: One time coach in “waiting” that is no longer waiting Dana Holgorsen has taken over as the Mountaineer Head Football Coach since athletic director Oliver “Did you know my son plays at Stanford?” Luck forced loyal West Virginia native Coach Bill Stewart to resign a year ahead of schedule.

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Athletic Director Oliver Luck got his lessons in “Loyalty” and “Honesty” from former Mountaineer Coach Rich Rodriguez.

IOWA: The Hawkeyes and their fans are known for always playing hard and exhibiting good sportsmanship, as well as having an amazing memory for all things Hawkeye Football.

Let the animosity begin

OHIO STATE: As the Mighty Buckeye Nation awaits its fate at the hands of the NCAA executioner I want to remind them all; even if you’re not a Fickell’d Fan this year, get behind the new coach and support the team.

EDITORS NOTE: I’m serious…..
I can do these puns all day..

IDAHO: Anytime I hear anything about Idaho….
I am reminded of a girl named Ida I went to high school with….
She had a rather “questionable” reputation

TEXAS A&M: The Aggies were not invited to join the Southeastern Conference and are now looking at a rather ugly divorce from the Big 12 Conference. This is causing consternation throughout the Republic of Texas reaching all the way to the Texas Legislature and Governor Rick Perry. This story isn’t going away anytime soon….

EDITORS NOTE: Can’t we all just get along?

FLORIDA: Have you noticed that no one is talking about the Mighty Gators?
Don’t worry, they will be….

OREGON: I Know….
Coach Chip Kelly has “Ducked” a number of issues related to the NCAA investigation of the football program, but I have an unrelated question.

Now that the Oregon State Police have released the video related to Cliff Harris’s traffic stop.

You remember that, don’t you?
Cliff Harris was stopped for doing 118 miles an hour on June 12th in a rental car that was registered to an Oregon university employee.
What you may not know is on the police camera and subsequent audio…..
The Highway Patrol Officer asked Cliff “where is the marijuana” because the office smelled it coming from the car. Would you like to know what Cliff Harris’s response was to the officer?
“We smoked it all”

I guess the University of Oregon also failed to mention “star” Quarterback Darren Thomas was in the passenger seat. Oops….

When Coach Chip Kelly was asked about the latest turn of events with the release of the State Police video, Chip said “He wasn’t aware of that, but he would look into it.”

Funny….
Because I thought Coach Chip Kelly already said he was ‘Looking into all the facts before making a decision” the day AFTER this incident happened.

To say nothing of the University of (NIKE) Oregon’s inability to administer a urinalysis test for the student-athletes in this case.

And as you might imagine….
Both players are still on the Oregon Football team…..

Surprised?

EDITORS NOTE: Somewhere Phil Fulmer is saying…..
“Chip! That’s my Boy!”

MIAMI: If even half of the allegations I have heard concerning the Hurricane Football program are true then things are going to get really ugly in South Florida.

How ugly you might ask?

When the NCAA get’s finished with the Hurricanes….

It’s going to be uglier than Wynona Judd in a string bikini.

EDITORS NOTE: I threw-up a little bit when I typed that one…

MICHIGAN: With a new Coach and a “new” attitude in Ann Arbor this year, the Wolverines also have a “new” Battle Cry this year to carry them into the 2011 college football season.

Michigan Wolverines: “We are Fabulous”

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if that was their first choice for a “Battle Cry”

LSU: The Mighty Bayou Bengal’s were put on probation this year by the NCAA and lost some scholarships in the process because they said some student-athletes had received “impermissible benefits”.

Wow that sounds serious!

I have a question for the NCAA…
When did the NCAA “get permission” to sell the student-athletes “likenesses” to EA Sports and Sony for MILLIONS of DOLLARS for their video football games?
So, that’s ok?

GEORGIA TECH: Let me be sure I understand this correctly….
The NCAA hammered the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets because the Athletic Director “told” his football coach (Who happens to be his employee) that the NCAA was investigating “suspected” improper benefits being received by a few of the student athletes on the football team.

That makes sense right?
To tell your “employee” to look into a potential or suspected problem before it becomes serious.

Well that’s NOT how the NCAA works boys and girls….

They hit the Rambling Wreck with even more sanctions because….
“The athletic director disobeyed the NCAA Investigators”

EDITORS NOTE: If the NCAA is going to treat Athletic Directors like they are six years old why don’t they punish them for not getting to bed on time too?

My Friends it’s time to secede from the NCAA…..

NCAA: I have just one more question for the folks in Indianapolis ….
When you become an employee of the NCAA Enforcement Committee, do they supply you with the Nazi uniform or do you have to buy it yourself?
I’m just asking…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Speaking of NCAA Enforcement….
Why aren’t they on the Southern California Trojan Campus talking to Lane Kiffin?
It was just a few months ago that drunken “star” running back Marc Tyler told TMZ that
“Southern California Trojans pays its players”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Lane Kiffin said it was “all a big joke”

Maybe I have that quote wrong….

I think Lane was referring to himself as being a Head Football Coach…

Sorry for the confusion

CLEMSON: The below is an actual article, because you can’t make this stuff up…..

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (AP) — Clemson’s athletic department reported 12 NCAA secondary violations, including two athletes repaying their portion of a hotel room paid for by a former teammate’s agent.

In addition, an internal audit found that athletes living off campus received about $1 more than they should have in their housing allowance.

The violations were reported Friday, and occurred between February and July 15. Clemson’s athletic department releases NCAA violations twice a year through open records requests from The Associated Press and other media outlets.

The reports did not include the names of the athletes or the sports involved. The infractions are all considered secondary, the least serious NCAA classification.

Among the violations was one that occurred in March when a Clemson coach overheard players discussing their spring break trip to Miami and visiting former teammates training there. The athletic department’s compliance department later found out that two athletes stayed in a hotel room paid for by the former teammate’s agent at a cost of $379 plus tax per night.

The two were made to pay back their share of the bill, donating $76 each to charity.

The audit found out that Clemson athletes living away from campus received $1 to $2 more than they should have. All were declared ineligible but will have their status restored when they pay back the nominal fee.

Other infractions included a coach allowing a prospective student athlete to shadow him for a day in February. The violation was discovered when the coach took the young person to show him the compliance office. The coach was given a refresher on NCAA rules.

The NCAA found a Clemson prospect participated in organized competition past the one-year grace period given after high school graduation. The athlete was declared ineligible and was reinstated by the NCAA.

Also, the NCAA discovered a Clemson prospect was paid for playing in organized competition. He had his eligibility reinstated on the conditions that he would be charged a season of competition and repay the cost of the impermissible benefit, $333, to a local charity.

Another prospect recruited by Clemson was found by the NCAA to have played five games as a professional. The prospect’s eligibility will be restored if the recruit sits out next season.

In another instance, a prospect heading for an official visit to Clemson had their car break down and called a coach for help because there was a toddler in the vehicle. Clemson’s compliance office called the Atlantic Coast Conference office and, after consulting with the NCAA enforcement staff, was allowed to let a non-coaching staff employee pick the family about 5 miles away in Pendleton. The prospect was asked to pay back $2.66 in mileage costs.

EDITORS NOTE: Let me be sure I have this right…..
Some Clemson athletes received between $1.00 and $2.00 dollars more than they should have while living away from Campus? And if they don’t pay the money back they will be ruled ineligible by the NCAA?

Wow…..
If the NCAA is that serious over one or two dollars, then the folks in Auburn must be getting really nervous, can I get an “In Cam we Trust”?

OKLAHOMA: Sooner fans are known to be passionate…..

If given the opportunity they will hate you 365 days of the year, including Christmas.

UTAH: In case you were wondering…

These two Utes are doing it wrong….

SOUTH CAROLINA: Coach Steve recently said he thinks the University of Alabama gets preferential treatment from ESPN in its coverage of the Crimson Tide.
I know it must be tough on you coach Steve….
There was a time that you were the best coach in the Southeastern Conference….
Now you aren’t even the best football coach in the SEC Eastern Division….
That must really hurt your pride

So I have an idea…..
Why don’t you just coach the University of South Carolina and worry about that?

EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Sir,
I am General Beauregard T. Thistleballs, Commanding Officer of the 69th Regimental Electronics Enterprise (REE), of the 13th Tactical Aerial Reconnaissance Division (TARD). I am highly outraged, offended, and bitter at the latest diatribe and tasteless drivel that you have spewed on your website. This simply further reinforces our decision to block your heinous website from the young, impressionable, innocent troops here in theatre.

For your information, the following is the reasoning for the blockage. On numerous occasions you have espoused disorder, chaos, and insurrection on your website. Case in point: You called for the secession of the SEC from the NCAA. We cannot have those types of thoughts floating around in the heads of these young people. We need to coddle and teach these youngsters to be nice and inclusive to everyone. But the worst consequences of your uncompassionate rants and baseless attacks are that YOU sir, have hurt the feelings of countless soldiers. I don’t know if you realize it, but, the US Army is a bastion young people from all over the country. Most prevalent are those with University of Southern California, University of Tennessee, Ohio State University, and Auburn University ties. I can’t count the number of times that I have walked into a shower stall only two discover two soldiers holding, caressing, and consoling each other after they finished reading one of your brazen articles. I don’t know how many times my Sergeant Major has come to me and told me that the soldiers just don’t want to go outside the wire and do their jobs because they read an article taunting their Spartan, Tiger, or Volunteer backgrounds.

Sir, I want you to know that here at the 13th Fighting TARDS, we VALUE diversity!!! Something you wouldn’t understand given your callous and homophobic remarks week after week. We welcomed and urged young men and women to “come out of the closet”, so to speak. We begged them to step up and smell the beautiful flower of openness. But that is not what you’re agenda is about. You wouldn’t know political correctness if it slapped you on your ruddy, cherubic cheeks. If I could, I’d turn you over my knee and spank your supple, round, firm buttocks until they were of a splendidly pink aura. And then….

Well, you get the picture. Your website will never be allowed in theatre again. I have put my foot down (and broke a heel doing it!!!). We DO take care of our troops, contrary to what you think. As long as it is in my power to create and shape these young minds, then shows like Barney, Les Miserables, and many others will be available for them to watch. But, don’t be alarmed Mr “Wizard”. You’re not the only one who has faced my wrath. On the local Armed Forces Radio Network we have replaced prime time programming with the Elton John Tribute hour and the Rod Stewart greatest hits ensemble, and the “Best of” Liberace show. We are currently working on a show and format for Madonna.

As you can see, this well thought out, politically correct and well meaning decision is best for all.

Militarily,
Beauregard T. Thistleballs,
General
United States Army
REE/TARDS
USC ‘69

THE BEST and WORST of COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Worst Celebration Ritual: University of Pittsburgh
Former Pittsburgh Panther Head Football Coach Mike Haywood “celebrating” his promotion as the head football coach of the University of Pittsburgh by getting liquored up and whipping his wife’s ass. Classy…………..

Worst College Football Pregame Program:
(Tie) CBS College Sports and ABC
The CBS College Football Game Day studio has the most diverse group of talking heads on television.
It’s like Sesame Street without the cute furry characters.

This is what you will see on any given Saturday in the CBS College Football Pre-game Studio….
“Former” coach and current college football “analyst” Phil Fulmer setting in a corner with the remnants of a jelly donut on his face looking like he just got fired (again)….

While Archie Manning is rifling through pictures in his wallet and asking if anyone wants to see pictures of Peyton and Eli naked in a bathtub together.
Unfortunately both “boys” were in their twenties when the photos were taken.

Then there is Spencer Tillman who looks like a Little Richard Impersonator….
I half expect him to break into “Good Golly Miss Molly” before every telecast…

What can you say about ABC College Football with John Saunders…..
He puts the “dumb” in “ass”….

Best College Football Pregame Program: ESPN College Game Day

“We are coming to your city…”

The ESPN College Game Day Opens with a bang courtesy of Big and Rich and Cowboy Troy and it only gets better from there…..

Chris, Desmond, Kirk and the Great Coach Lee Corso round out the ESPN Game Day program located on the campus of the ESPN /ABC College Football Game of the Week.

There is no better way to start a College Football Game Day – Period.

During the one hour program you get the college football picks of the day from the group and an occasional “Not So Fast!” from Coach Lee Corso as the “Coach” disagrees over a particular selection.

There is insight into many of the games….
Interviews…
And at the end of the program….

Coach Lee Corso will make his pick on the game of the day by selecting a team’s mascots head gear to wear, often times followed by the singing of the teams fight song or familiar chant.

If you have never seen it, then you don’t know what you are missing.

EDITORS NOTE: And as a side note….
I will have something special for Coach Lee Corso before the start of this season.
So stay tuned….

Best Gatorade Commercial you will never see on Television

Come to think of it…
There may be a very good reason this isn’t on television.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Worst Fan Display of Team Pride: Ohio State Buckeyes

There is a proper time and place to show pride in your respective College or University
The below picture is neither the time nor the place ……

Best Walk-On Story of the Season: Minnesota Golden Gophers

The Golden Gophers have a walk-on to their football program this year.
That in itself isn’t any news….
But this one is different…

He is a Marine….
His name is Curran Delany
If the Coach doesn’t give him a chance to play I am going to be on him like Golden on a Gopher

Creepiest Mascot in Major College Football: Brigham Young Cougars

I think this simple picture says it all….

Dumbest Question from a Division I Coach: Auburn University

At the recent Southeastern Conference Media Days Auburn coach Gene Chizik asked NCAA Enforcement Director Julie Roe Lach in a room full of coaches and media “if the NCAA was finished with the Investigation of Auburn University and Cam Newton”

Ms Julie Roe Lach replied….

“You will know when we are done”

EDITORS NOTE: I think the only thing missing at the end of that statement was…
“Dumbass”

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

This time of the year……
College Football teams and their respective fans and alumni are filled with dreams of grandeur
and visions of Championships and Victories won are all the talk of “what could be the year”

But we all know differently, don’t we?

Some have it, and some don’t.

Then there is “fate”
A penalty at the wrong time and place….
A key injury….
And your dreams of an undefeated season and the shot at the Championship….
Are Gone

But we won’t factor fate into this equation, not yet anyway.

Some College Football Teams have a legitimate chance and others don’t.
That’s why you are here, enjoy.

CONTENDERS

OKLAHOMA: The Best Sooners Team in the Coach Bob Stoops era….
They are scary good……

TEXAS CHRISTIAN:The Horned Frogs “should have” played for the National Championship last year and they have a chip on their shoulder this year with something to prove.

WISCONSIN: The Badgers are big and fast and they are from the Land of Cheese Whiz
Enough said…

CLEMSON: All the elements are in place at the Home of Howard’s Rock to make a legitimate run at the ACC Title and with a little luck, the possibilities are endless.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Despite having the most de-motivating entrance in all of college football
“Where has the Prairie Wind Touched You”
The Cowboys have the most all round potent offense in college football.
If they can spell “defense” this year, they have a chance to win it all and ruin the Sooners season.

LSU: The Mighty Bayou Bengals of LSU are stronger and faster than ever and they have the depth to make a serious run at the National Championship if Les Miles can keep his eye on the game clock.

FLORIDA STATE: Coach Fisher has the Seminoles poised to win the ACC Championship..
Their shot at the National Championship will be decided on September 17th when they square off against the Mighty Oklahoma Sooners in Tallahassee.

TEXAS: Don’t count out the Mighty Longhorns just yet…
I have a feeling……….
(That I am pretty sure is not caused from dollar Margarita night and ill prepared Mexican food.)
That the Longhorns will be in the Championship mix before the season is over….

BOISE STATE: The Blue Bronco’s of Boise will have a chance to prove if they are for real when they face the Georgia Bulldogs “between the hedges” on September 3rd.

STANFORD: Despite the fact they don’t play anybody of note and their out of conference schedule is laughable, they are in fact a good football team.

NEBRASKA: The Black Shirts are Back, But in a different Conference…
They will play for the Big Ten (Actually twelve) Conference Championship this year
Believe it

ARKANSAS: The Best Team in the Country that nobody is talking about….

ALABAMA: Because I said so…

PRETENDERS

The Ivy League: Seriously? They still play football there?
I thought they were more into “social change” and “diversity” than athletics.

And as a side note: Their marching bands suck too.

Utah State: I have seen better athletes at a Midget Mud Wrestling event than the Aggies have on their entire football team. And before you ask…
On the advice of my attorney I will not discuss the events of that particular evening in this forum

Rutgers: There is some good news and some bad news here….
The Good news is the Scarlett Knights are the best College Football team in New Jersey…
The Bad news is they are the only college football team in New Jersey

Tulane: Other than having a lousy football team…..
I can’t imagine why the Green Wave made the list.

Duke: Most students at Duke are blissfully unaware that the Blue Devils even have a football program, enough said.

Southern California: If you wonder why the “mighty” Trojans are on this list, then I have two words for you…. “Lane Kiffin”

Notre Dame: There is some good news and some “not” so good news
You are not going to suck as bad as you did last year….
But you will still disappoint a delusional fan base that is under the misguided impression that just because of who you are that you are entitled to be in the Top Ten and play in a top tier Bowl game every single year for eternity.

Michigan: (Wolverines please see “Notre Dame” above)

Oregon: The Quacks are on this list because…
Coach Kelly “pretends” he doesn’t have a disciple problem on the football team.

Miami: With all the rumor and innuendo surrounding the Hurricane Football Program..
And considering all the possibilities and ramifications of the NCAA Investigation….
There is but one thing that comes to mind….
I would like to quote the greatest of all urban philosophers M.C. Hammer…
When he said….
“It’s Hammer Time”

North Carolina: Let’s face it….You’re Screwed

NCAA: The jackbooted Nazi’s of the NCAA made this list because they “pretend” to be a “volunteer organization” that is a 501 C3 that is a “non profit” and “tax exempt” organization.

EDITORS NOTE: How can you make so much damn money (In the Billions and Billions) you can declare yourself a “non profit”? And why don’t they have to pay taxes?

Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC)
Virginia Tech and Georgia Tech will be in the mix and Clemson has a legitimate shot at the conference crown, but the Seminoles of Florida State will win the ACC Title this year.

Big Ten (actually Twelve)
Nebraska and Wisconsin will meet for the second time at the end of the season to decide the championship of the conference. But I wouldn’t rule out a late run by the Ohio State Buckeyes or Joe Pa’s Nittany Lions.
My guess is the boys from Madison Wisconsin will win it all in the conference this year.

Big 12 (actually Ten)
The Mighty Oklahoma Sooners are looking like a championship team, but Oklahoma State, Texas and the disgruntled Aggies of Texas A&M are closer in the rearview mirror than they may appear.

Big East:
Since The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian won’t “officially” be in the Big East until next season I won’t pick them to win the conference title this year (But they would)
With that being said I am going for a pick that will surprise you.
No, not the Cincinnati Bearkats…
The Louisville Cardinals……
Believe it

MAC
Mac Whack Paddy Whack give a Dog a Bone Conference….
I am going with the University that is known as the “cradle of coaches”
The Miami of Ohio

Conference USA
I wish I could pick my SMU Mustangs to win the conference this year….
But it’s not going to happen
I am going with the Cougars from Houston to take the Crown in Conference USA

PAC 10 (actually Twelve)
Utah and their two Utes “may” be the surprise team in the conference this year with Arizona State, Oregon State and Washington potentially in the mix for the conference title as well.
My Pick: The Stanford Cardinal will win the “whatever the hell they named it” conference championship this year.

Sun Belt Conference
One question for the Sun Belt Conference….
Is the “Sun Belt” like a Bible belt with a flashlight attached to it?
I’m just asking…

The North Texas Mean Green from Denton Texas will win the Bible belt with optional Flashlight Attachment Conference Title this year.

Mountain West
There are two fine teams in this conference, soon to be limited to “one” fine team next year.
I will pick the Mighty Horned Frogs of TCU over the Boise State Broncos to win the Crown.

Western Athletic Conference
The Western Athletic Conference, also known as “the WAC” wait let me stop for a moment.
Whitney Houston said “Crack is WAC”
Does that mean illegal drugs are tolerated in this conference?
I am appalled…
For that reason alone…..
I am picking the Nevada Wolfpack to win the drug induced den of sin Conference title

Independent
Brigham Young will make a bid for the “Independent Title”, but frankly I am still not over how creepy their mascot looked holding that small child. So I will go with…

Anchors Away………..

The Midshipmen of the United States Naval Academy

Southeastern Conference (SEC)
I think the South Carolina Gamecocks will win the SEC Eastern Title (but not by much) and they will have to fight the Tennessee Volunteers, Georgia Bulldogs and the Florida Gators for it.
But remember this…….
“IF” the Gamecocks do win the East they will limp into the Title game in Atlanta with at least three losses, believe it.

The SEC West is going to be a fight….
Mississippi State, Arkansas and Auburn all feel like they have something to prove….
Then there are the LSU Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide

My guess is the Alabama Crimson Tide will roll into Atlanta as the winners of the West.

Who will win the SEC Championship?

The Alabama Crimson Tide

Because I said so, that’s why

There is a lot more to come before opening Kickoff…
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

As promised….
The second installment of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza for your viewing pleasure.
Let the countdown begin…

Kickoff is right around the corner

Enjoy….

How to Make College Football Better….

We all dearly love our college football.
Regardless of the size of the school or size of the stadium there is nothing like the passion, pageantry and the excitement of a college football game.
I want to assure you all that I am not talking about rule changes to our beloved game here, like the National Football League does each and every season. Their brand of football is closer to “two hand touch” in most instances than anything resembling our beloved game of football.

What I am referring to are those elements, those intangible things and “not so” intangible things that will make our college football more enjoyable and will preserve the integrity of the game we love for generations.

MASCOTS
Universities and Colleges need to stop bowing at the NCAA altar of political correctness and changing their mascots to suit some fringe group of gibbering idiots because they “get their feelings hurt” or are “offended” by a particular mascot. The same rule applies to some liberal limp wristed alumni who want to change their schools mascot. If you don’t like the tradition of your university or college then how about this for an idea, don’t send them any money and stop supporting their sports programs.
Problem solved.

Instead we have some isolated wimpy alumni and administration officials in the case of New Mexico State University, who held hands and cried crocodile tears together and they changed their long time mascot “Pistol Pete” into “Lasso Larry”. Because, according to the university administration “having a mascot with a foam rubber gun sends the wrong message.”

EDITORS NOTE: Having a university mascot with a foam rubber gun doesn’t make people violent; changing their damn mascot makes people potentially violent. Got it?

And then to add insult to injury, New Mexico State University PAID an “artist” fifty thousand dollars (yes, that’s $50,000.00 DOLLARS) to design the “new” Lasso Larry mascot uniform.

EDITORS NOTE: Yeah, that was money well spent.
But if it makes you feel any better, the mentally challenged butt monkey’s that run Ole Miss paid a lot more than that for the “design” of their “new” dumbass mascot’s uniform.

TRADITIONS
It is inconceivable to me why universities decide after decades of a tradition or traditions to suddenly change those traditions in the “spirit of diversity” or to chase the almighty dollar.
You can say I am “old fashioned” if you want to but I prefer to think of myself as purest.
I don’t believe you should predicate the value of a college tradition based on a dollar.

Because some universities adhere to the philosophy of “Money Rules”
We no longer will have a Nebraska – Oklahoma Football Game….
That used to be the biggest game of the year….

Now days we have college teams switching conferences like most of us change our socks.

Mascots change (See Above) because Chief Juniper Stinkeye of the Hokey Pokey Tribe is “offended” and the NCAA says you have to change it or they will “punish” the offending university.
What the hell is that all about?

Some Universities have prostituted their respective programs to suit whoever their sponsor is such as the University of NIKE Oregon Ducks. Those poor saps will do whatever NIKE CEO Phil Knight wants.

Some will change their uniforms and logos….

Others will move the location of traditional games such was the case of the Iron Bowl.
I miss those games played in Birmingham “The Football Capital of the South” it used to say.

Some of the greatest games ever played were played in Legion Field in Birmingham.

And despite what you may have heard or read, Birmingham is a great town with a great football tradition and atmosphere, or at least it was.

I do miss those days…..
You can travel across this entire land and ain’t no place like Birmingham

Click here to view the embedded video.

SCORES and MORE
I think it should be illegal to show any scores other than college football scores during any college football game. The fact of the matter is IF any of us really cared about the Paraguay Bobsledding Team we would be watching that crap instead of college football.
Same goes for Major League Baseball…..
Basketball (Anything)
Hockey
Ice Skating (Which in reality is Hockey with music and without the sticks and gloves)
Soccer (Because it really isn’t a sport)
Racing of any type….to include unicycles, mopeds etc.
Track and Field Results (The only thing more boring than Track is Field)
Golf (If they had Windmills a giant plastic Gorilla and a Pirate ship on the course I might be tempted to watch it)
Tennis (Not a sport, because Frenchmen can play it)

This rule also applies to “Breaking News”
During our college football game we don’t care to hear about riots in Spain, famine in Africa, or a Ferry that turned over in India. It’s not that we are insensitive; we just don’t give a damn.

Any violation of this law should be punishable with a year of listening to nothing but Slim Whitman Albums. That would teach them a lesson.

NEXT ON…….
What is wrong with all these networks pushing their “Latest” and Greatest” television programs during a college football game? I despise the way they worm it into conversations during the game.

Steve the Announcer: “Jim that was a flagrant penalty on that play”

Jim the Announcer: “It was almost criminal the way he hit that wide receiver”

Steve the Announcer: “Speaking of criminal, a new season of “Criminal Minds” will be on Sunday Night’s seven o’clock central and eight o’clock eastern time. It promises to be a cliff hanger to start the year”

My God make it stop already!
This could easily be classified as cruel and unusual punishment by the Geneva Convention particularly if this message is delivered by ESPN’s Pam Ward.

This practice should end immediately or I would recommend sentencing the offender to spend a month in Vern Lundquest’s underwear. While he is wearing them….

WHOA NEELY!
Speaking of college football announcers…..
Where is the Great Keith Jackson when you need him?
He was and will always be the voice of college football (Amen)
Keith called the game as he saw it….
He didn’t offer his opinions or cite “What I would do here is…”
He didn’t talk to hear his own voice…
He didn’t criticize the kids or the coaches….
He just called the game, right down the middle.
Keith was and always will be a gentleman of the game of college football.

The latest crop of college football announcers are more students of Jacque Cousteau than of the Great Keith Jackson. I say this is, because most of them seem to have a snorkel hanging out of their butt, because they never seem to take a breath during the whole damn game and can’t shut the hell up for five seconds.

All “potential” college football announcers should be forced to watch every college football game Keith Jackson ever announced and then sign a release that would limit them to the number of words they could use during any college football telecast. Violating such signed agreement would result in having the announcers tongue stapled to the roof of his or her mouth for one week.

BACK TO THE STUDIO…..
College Football networks and Media Outlets pay close attention….
Believe it or not, we really don’t need ten damn people setting around in a network studio telling us the upcoming game is important. We know that already (Dumbass’s) that’s why we are watching it! And then to switch back to the studio at halftime just to hear some of the same “masters of the obvious” rehash what we already saw, is nothing short of mind numbing.
The reason I say this is….
If a team is down 28 points at halftime
Guess what?
We already KNOW they need to score more points in the second half or they are going to lose! You don’t need to tell us that jackass’s; we figured it out on our own!
Listening to that mindless dribble is an assault on the senses.

I like it the way it was “Back in the Day”…..
When the networks would show the marching bands at halftime and run the scores at the bottom of the screen. After all, those kids put just as much time into their craft as the football players do and the marching bands ARE a part of the pageantry and tradition of college football.

While I am on this subject
Why not let the players introduce themselves before the game….
They would say their name, position and hometown and what year they are in college….
It can be pre-recorded, no problem.
That was how it used to be done and it was cool.

NOW for the REPLAY
Stop spending 15 minutes and two commercials on a play that lasted .00001 second to determine if the player “actually had possession of the ball.” You don’t need to break a football play down frame by frame like the Abraham Zapruder Film to determine if “something’ happened.

Make the call and move on….

SIDELINE REPORTERS
Stop with the Tracy Wolfson’s of the college football world and her ridiculous commentaries and while we are at it, have that mole removed from her face it makes me want to throw up.

The sideline reporters should be knowledgeable of the game…
Like Holly Rowe or Erin Andrews

Those two ladies actually have insight into the game.
Unlike Tracy who was more concerned with Cammy Cam Juice last season than she was with anything else.

And don’t get me started on the fake tan bimbos in the game day studios before the game.

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, Tracy needs to get that mole removed from her face, it makes me sick. And don’t tell me you don’t stare at it too.

COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTION
Is it too much to ask to have commercials that are “appropriate” for college football game days?
I don’t want to see any of the following…

Any commercial that has anything to do with extending my “personal” business
(My personal business is just fine, thank you)

Any commercial with that Saintly older guy with a gray beard wanting me to send money to feed and clothe some little future terrorists from a third world country
(If those kids are that damn hungry why doesn’t he feed them, he is setting right next to them)

Don’t show any commercials concerning “substance abuse” during a college football game.
(We all know what we are abusing, we don’t need a tutorial)

Any commercial promoting a medicine for Diarrhea
(I do not want to be wondering if the cheese I used on the nachos had expired last month when we are going for it on fourth and one and I certainly don’t want to take the precautionary measure of wearing a leaf bag around my waist in the fourth quarter)

Under no circumstance do I want to see any commercials having anything to do with any “female products” of any kind, sort, make or model.
(This should be rather self explanatory)

Lastly, I don’t want to see any commercials on College Football Game Days with midgets.
(Enough said)

AND FINALLY…..
To make our College Football Saturday’s more enjoyable…
CBS College Football Announcer Gary Danielson should be euthanized.

PRESEASON EMAILS Q & A

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
My wife Darla and I lived our whole lives right here in Elizabethton Tennessee and we is all lifelong Tennessee Volunteer fans and you better damn well believe it.
So here’s my question.
My wife and daughter and me want to make the pilgrimage to see the Country Music Hall of Fame in Music City Tennessee, which is in Nashville in case you didn’t know.
Now I heard that when we drive to Nashville that we “lose” an hour.
Does that mean we is going back in time?
How can that be?

Herbert and Susie – Elizabethton, Tennessee

A: Yes it does Herbert, please dress appropriately for 1953

Q: Hey Dude
I’m Like a Miami Hurricane fan, right?
And I live in Miami, so I’m a Miami Hurricane Fan dude.
So anyway, right, so the other day I was smoking some of this cactus I found in my apartment and dude I was blazing it up! Anyway I have a question, hang on.
So right I was smoking this cactus right and bro it was like giving me visions right?
So I saw the Hurricanes like winning the National Championship this year and I was climbing the goal post and screaming Canes! Canes! Canes!
Dude it was like unbelievable!
So like are the Miami Hurricanes going to win the National Championship this year?

Jimmy – Miami, Florida

A: Jimmy by using the term “visions” do you actually mean “hallucinations”?
Because you are hallucinating if you think the Miami Hurricanes are going to win the ACC Championship much less the National Championship this year.

Q: Dear Sir
My Name is Jeddah and I live in Lancaster Pennsylvania.
I propose to have the first Amish strip club in the entire nation.
It’s my goal to make it as wild and crazy as possible.
Sometime during the girls routine I think they should take their modest hats off and let their hair down, I know that is outrageous!
I think there will be buggies from all over the tri-cities area here!
I am keeping it straight up 18th century!
You may think I’m crazy, but what do you think?

Jeddah – Lancaster, Pennsylvania

A: Jeddah I think…..
You are going to hell with your internet and unrestricted use of electricity.

Q: Dear Wizard
I have question, let’s say that a fictitious quarterbacks coach at a college who has a college quarterback with a “partying problem” which I personally don’t think is much of a problem because I don’t judge people.

Let’s say that this fictitious quarterbacks coach gets liquored up and fictitiously urinates in public and people see his personal business in the process and they call the police and he gets arrested.
Do you think he should be fired?

Anonymously – The University of South Carolina, Columbia South Carolina

A: I think Ole Coach Steve “Tough on Crime” Spurrier already let you off the hook.
Put the beer down for a minute and read the paper dumbass and you would know.

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
I don’t know if you can help me, but frankly I am out of ideas.

I know this doesn’t have anything to do with College Football (but it kind of does) and I have a real problem.
I am a diehard Oklahoma Sooners football fan and I am trying to stop smoking.
Last year I smoked the crap out of cigarettes (particular when we lost) and it started at the beginning of the damn season just like you said it would. Damn it.
So I am taking all this stupid stuff to get me to stop smoking.
And the side effects are worse than smoking!
So one of the side effects it mentions is headaches, right?

What the hell is that?
I have migraines out the kazoo now!
Then to make matters worse (If that’s possible)
The medicine said “I could experience muscle cramps”

Well I am drawed up like a damn flamingo with one leg up perched up underneath my ass and one arm curled under my damn arm pit! Hell I am typing this with one free arm!

So what the hell do you think I should do!!!!!

Craig – Stigler, Oklahoma

A: Craig we live in difficult times and rarely do I give medical advice in this column.
Typically that kind of advice is reserved for my other column “Turn your head and cough with Dr. Mike”. However, I would suggest drinking heavily to counteract the effects of the medication you are currently taking. At the very least your leg should drop down and your arm will relax and you should be able to urinate like a human being.

Q: Hey Wizard Man!

I know you hate the Mighty Damn War Eagles won the National Championship and we whipped yawls ass and won the Super Bowl but I got me problem.

I married a gal who her family is ALL University of Georgia Bulldog fans, you believe that?
Well they hate my ass and to tell you the truth I ain’t to found of them neither.

But here is where it gets sticky and not in a gross and disgusting kind of way, like the last party we had when I got tore up from the frame up and went streaking through the chicken house.

My Brother in Law “Big Dawg Steve”
(He got that damn nickname because he’s a Georgia Bulldog fan, get it?)
Anyways he and his wife come down here to visit us in Loachapoka Alabama, just outside of Auburn
(Hell yeah! And War Damn Eagle!)
So one thing to led to another because he “claims” I said something about them Georgia Bulldogs and how bad they suck and can’t win a damn thing and UGA is a bitch and before you know it a damn fight done broke out! Well not only did he “claim” to whip my ass, but he destroyed everything in my entire previously owned double wide trailer! TOO include my entire Franklin Mint Wizard of Oz Collection and my genuine Mickey Mouse Bedside Clock and Matching lamp purchased from none other Disney World, and it don’t get any more official than that!

So’s the insurance man come by and says my place is totaled!
He says it comes to slightly over eleven dollars worth of damage!

I hate like hell to cause a big ole family problem but I need that eleven dollars to get a new place so what do you think I should do?

War Damn Eagle!

Carl “Big Boy” – Loachapoka Alabama

A: Carl I think you need a new insurance agent and a lesson in self defense.
Those Georgia Boys all know how to fight.

Q: Sir,
I just wanted to send you a short note to clarify an incident that happened recently and how it was reported. Contrary to various news outlets reported, I was NOT hit on the sidelines at practice in an incident that caused me bodily injury.
What actually happened is that I was having a jovial moment with the boys.
We pretended that we finally beat Ohio State this year and my guys, bless their hearts, got really excited. They were so pumped up that they picked me up to simulate carrying me off the field after that glorious moment.
Well, they got a little too close to the bench, one of the linemen stumbled, and I toppled to the ground. Then the trouble really started as 5 or 6 of the guys from the defensive line fell on top of me and that’s when I was severely hurt.
I want it known that even though I’m just a bit senile and don’t move as quick as I used to, that I aim to continue to patrol the sidelines as in years past.

Sincerely,
Joe Paterno
Head Coach
Penn State University

PS Please find the attached photo of me growling like a lion at a recent practice to give my boys some added motivation

A: You’re the Man Joe Pa

Post Commentary Comment

The College Football Hall Of Fame recently inducted their class of 2011….
It included former University of Alabama Head Coach and Texas A&M “Junction Boy”
Coach Gene Stallings….

There has been no finer Coach or no finer human being in all of College Football

Congratulations Coach, you sure deserve this wonderful honor.
We miss you and your beautiful family, especially John Mark….

Click here to view the embedded video.

Next week you will have your third and Final Installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza that will answer your questions of who will win what Championships.

And maybe a surprise or two

So Stay Tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It would seem that I inadvertently set off some premature 4th of July Fireworks with my article last week on the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers.

I certainly didn’t mean to be unduly negative before a holiday weekend.

So with that in mind, I hope to make up for last week’s article with a cheerful and positive spin on the ongoing NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers.

Enjoy….

TIGER BLING

The Championship rings are out on the plains for the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers!

I am so glad they decided to put these rings out on display for the fans to enjoy, particularly the ring with the Lombardi Trophy on it. I must have been too busy at the end of January to notice but I had no idea the Tigers also won the Super Bowl!

Congratulations Super Bowl Champs! War Eagle!

TWEET TWEET

As you may have read or heard the North Carolina Tar Heels football team is in A-Lot of trouble with the NCAA. And one of the things the NCAA is going to charge the North Carolina athletic department with is “failure to monitor social networking sites of the individual players”

You know what that means right? It means the athletic department should be monitoring MySpace, Faces in a Book and Twitter accounts of ALL the student-athletes.

Gosh that sure sounds like a big job to me!

But I guess this NCAA rule is only in effect across the Appalachian Mountains, because you may have heard what Auburn football player Jordan Spriggs “tweeted” during this past spring semester

“Who is good at writing papers??? I can Pay!”

EDITORS NOTE: Before all you haters start getting mad at Auburn or me because this is a positive article right? I am SURE this doesn’t constitute cheating or any kind of NCAA violation.
Because Coach Gene Chizik said it was nothing more than a “joke”.

That’s good enough for me! War Eagle!

EYE OF THE TIGER

In seasons past the Auburn Tigers would enter Jordan Hare Stadium to the riveting sound of one hit wonder Survivor playing “Eye of the Tiger”. But this year in honor of 2010 Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton the mighty Auburn Tigers will enter the stadium to multi-platinum recording artist and accused pedophile Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal”

I personally think is a wonderful tribute to a great athlete and a humble sportsman.

War Eagle!

THE POWER OF WORDS

My crack research staff, here at the CFB Wizard Headquarters, has recently uncovered a number of extremely “negative” articles about Cam Newton while he was a student at the University of Florida.

I for one was flabbergasted!

But once I regained my composure I was determined to right this wrong.

Because it’s all in how you write it.

So with that being said let me make this clear…..

Cam Newton didn’t “steal” another student’s laptop at the University of Florida

He simply borrowed a laptop he was unfamiliar with from someone he didn’t know.

Cam Newton didn’t “run away” from the police in Gainesville

He was simply going out for a run around midnight because he couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t hear the police yelling at him to stop because he was listening to his father (The Right Reverend Cecil Newton) Sunday sermons on his IPod.

Cam Newton Never “lied” to the police about the laptop in his possession.

He simply gave the police an alternative version of events that transpired which conflicted with the eye witness’s accounts of the incident.

Cam Newton wasn’t dismissed from the University of Florida for “cheating” on his tests or failing to attend classes.

He was so smart he simply knew all the answers in advance.
“Hello”? Have you ever heard of clairvoyance? Yeah, it’s a gift.

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this has cleared his good name for future generations. War Eagle!

PASS THE COLLECTION PLATE

Some people have made some very ugly accusations concerning Cam Newton’s father, the Right Reverend Cecil Newton.

They have gone as far as to besmirch the character of this good and decent man of the cloth.

They have openly attacked a man who is a pillar of his community and a man who has a reputation second only to Gandhi.

They have accused this fine leader of his church of selling his son’s services to the highest bidder.

Shame on them!

I know for a FACT after visiting the Right Reverend Cecil Newton’s simple house of worship that there is NO way he could have been involved in such foolishness.

And just to prove my point I took this picture last January in the church he pastors.

I hope this puts an end to the unfair and horrible accusations hurled at this wonderful Pastor and Proud Father.

War Eagle!

PASSION

The Auburn Tiger faithful are some of the most passionate fans in all of college football.

Many will hitch their homes to their trucks and make the long trek to Jordan Hare for games on Saturday or stay anxiously glued to their television sets while one or more relatives and friends hold the satellite dish in the proper position to watch their beloved Tigers play football.

I think the passion of the Auburn Tiger fans can best be summed up by recent Heisman Trophy winner and Quarterback of the 2010 National Championship Auburn Tigers, Mr. Cam Newton.

When he so eloquently stated…..

“I likes jumping in them stands after I score…
because them Tiger fans likes to be touching me in the naughty place”

EDITORS NOTE: Well put sir, well put.

THE COACH’S BOOK

Recently Coach Gene Chizik released his book on the miraculous 2010 Auburn Tigers Season entitled “All In”. This phrase comes from the Auburn Tigers Football team’s battle cry during the 2010 football season.

Unfortunately the original cover of the book has been changed for reasons that continue to confound me. But I happen to have one of the original copies and share this with you here.

Cam and Gene look happy together, don’t you think? And for the record those are NOT NCAA Investigators chasing them in the background!

All In! War Eagle!

THE STATUE and THE CONTROVERSY

Auburn University Athletic Director Jay Jacobs commented on recent criticism from the media to place Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton’s statue on wheels, so it can be wheeled out each day to be placed next to the other Auburn Heisman Trophy winners, Pat Sullivan and Bo Jackson and then subsequently wheeled back in the evening into an area of safe keeping within the Auburn Athletic Department.

“The decision to put Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton’s statue on wheels has nothing to do with the ongoing NCAA Investigation. We decided to place his bronze likeness on wheels because a number of the Auburn Tiger faithful were worshiping the statue while attempting to milk the bronze statue for Cammy Cam Juice.”

THE GREAT DICTATOR

Some have called Auburn Trustee Bobby Lowder a “Dictator”.

They should be ashamed of themselves.

Most folks in the Auburn athletic department prefer to think of Bobby Lowder as a benevolent God like creature from a mythical time. They prefer to see him as a beautiful white unicorn with majestic wings that ride the currents of the eastern winds bestowing such riches and favors on those subjects within his kingdom as he, in his infinite wisdom, sees fit.

While occasionally using the horn on his regal head to dispose of coaches and heretics like Terry Bowden and Tommy Tuberville.

Tiger Beat magazine has called Bobby “Dreamy” and “The Hottest thing to come out of Birmingham since the 1968 race riots”

I couldn’t agree more

THE HUMBLE SPORTSMAN

Every university has that one athlete that every parent or educator would like their children or students to emulate because he is a role model for future generations.

Look no further than the role model for the youth of the 21st century

Cam Newton: accomplished athlete, humble classy sportsman…

And the voice of his generation: a singer of songs for the whole family.
The below was taken while he was in Bling Bling Community College before he enrolled at Auburn University.

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: Before any of you get your underwear in a wad…..
Cam Newton was not “bleeped” in the above video because he was using profane language.
On the contrary, he was “bleeped” because he was giving a “shout out” to a number of missionaries from his father (The Right Reverend Cecil Newton) Church.
You feel bad about what you were thinking now, don’t you?

CFB Wizard Commentary

I hope this positive article on the 2010 Auburn Tigers and Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton has eliminated any doubt concerning their less than outstanding contribution to not only college football, but sportsmanship and humanity as a whole.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As promised….
It is time to take a closer look at the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers
and the “ongoing” Investigation by the NCAA into Cam Newton

Enjoy….

Let’s take a look at the latest developments, shall we?

Long time Auburn Board of Trustee and Dictator Emeritus Bobby Lowder recently announced that he would voluntarily “retire” from the Auburn Board of Trustees.

What makes this interesting is this is the very same man who sued the State of Alabama and various Governors to “stay” on the Board, despite the fact it’s an appointed position.

In other words, just because you are the universities richest booster doesn’t entitle you a lifetime seat on the board of the university trustees or the “right” to run roughshod over the other trustees and treat the university like your own personal playground.

So, why the sudden change of heart?

After all, Bobby has hired and fired coaches, athletic directors and presidents at Auburn over the last twenty plus years and some would say he is the money behind the Cam Newton scandal.

Terry Bowden and Tommy Tuberville can I get an Amen?

He even fired an Auburn college student who was the editor of the schools newspaper because the student had the unmitigated gall to write an editorial that although didn’t mention Bobby Lowder by name it stated that “One man shouldn’t run this academic institution”.

So we are supposed to believe that Ole Bobby is just going to give up his seat and walk away.

We will return to this in a moment….

But in the meantime let’s take a look at Auburn Coach Gene Chizik’s “new” contract

It’s not uncommon for a head football coach to receive a new contract or a bonus after having the kind of season the Auburn Tigers had in 2010. But what is interesting apart from the 1.8 million dollar raise is the language in the “new” contract.

EDITORS NOTE: I find it ironic that the Head Coach got a raise at the end of the season and Cam Newton had to take a pay cut by going to the NFL.

Coach Chizik’s initial contract stated that Auburn University could suspend all but $500,000 of his pay during an internal investigation SEC or NCAA Investigation and if no major violations were found to have occurred then he would be paid what he was owed, plus interest.

His new contract…….

States that he will be paid regardless of an investigation, like the one that is ongoing now by the NCAA and assuming he is found negligent or accountable for any wrong doing in the investigation, he will still get paid. Unless of course the university decides to use him as a sacrificial lamb and then Coach Chizik gets a rather substantial “buyout”.

Simply put…..
His old contract stated that his pay could be suspended if the football program was under investigation. His new contract says that his pay can’t be suspended if they are investigated. Make sense?

Now let’s look at some comparisons between two recent Heisman Trophy Winners

Quote by Mike Garrett, “former” USC Athletic Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California Trojans.

“We have looked into the issue and there isn’t anything to it”

Quote by Jay Jacobs Auburn University Athletic Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn University Tigers.

“We have exhausted our resources and feel confident there isn’t anything to the allegations”

Quote by “Saint” Pete Carroll “former” USC Head Football Coach regarding the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California Trojans.

“We have looked into it and I feel confident there is nothing to it”

Quote by Coach Gene Chizik current Auburn University Head Football Coach Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn University Tigers.

“These allegations are garbage”

Quote by Reggie Bush “former” Heisman Trophy winner from the Southern Californian Trojans

“Man this is all junk I didn’t take no money from nobody”

Quote by Cam Newton current Heisman Trophy winner from Auburn University

“My parents do a lot of things behind the scenes to help me that nobody sees”

So why did long time Auburn Trustee and Dictator Emeritus Bobby Lowder voluntarily leave the post he “owned” on the Auburn University Board of Trustees?

Because the heat is coming, that’s why.

Why did Coach Gene Chizik have the “new” language placed into his contract?
Because it’s coming folks, it’s coming.

There is more to come on this topic…..
So stay tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As you all know by now……
My beloved state of Alabama was hit with a devastating string of Tornados this past April. I would like to encourage you all, regardless of your religious or school affiliations (Which I recognize are often the same thing) to please donate to a charity of your choice that will help them recover from the devastating effects of this disaster.

There are a number of charities to donate too.
Here is a good place to start…..

Serve Alabama
http://www.servealabama.gov/2010/2011%20Tornadoes/Response.aspx

The Good Sisters at Catholic Tide
http://www.catholictide.com/02/please-donate-to-catholic-charities-usa-tornado-relief/

Or Contact my brother Reverend Kelvin Croom at the College Hill Baptist Church in Tuscaloosa

Make no mistake about it. We will be back, because that’s who we are.

We don’t quit, we don’t yield and we don’t surrender.

It’s gut check time

ROLL TIDE

THE CFB WIZARD

As you may know….

I am currently on an extended sabbatical before the start of the 2011 College Football Season.

It would appear from the variety of emails I receive I am not the only one who is awaiting the start of the new season. Or maybe the emails are a result of the full moon.

In either case enjoy the latest from the CFB Wizard email bag.

Your latest news from the College Football World will be out next week.

Enjoy

EMAIL Q and A

Q: Dear Doctor Wizard –

I got me a question that I need me an answer too.

My wife Geraldine, Miss Tooter to everybody around here, well she has her one of them medical appointments that’s just for women.

The problem is that she wants me to go with her.

Now I will be the first to tell you that I don’t know why a woman has to have a poop smear.

But I can tell you I damn sure don’t want to be in there when they is a doing it!

And I ain’t cleaning it up neither!

Hell, I couldn’t even change a diaper when we had our young’uns.
Makes me want to throw up just a thinking about that smell.

But if I tell Miss Tooter I can’t go to her poop smear then she will get meaner than a snapping turtle.
What should I do?

Dennis “Big Cricket” Davis
Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Congratulations, I am finally speechless………

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I hope yo ass is happy. Now I ain’t got no job.
Reggie Bush, New Orleans, Louisiana

A: Or a Heisman Trophy or a National Championship Ring…….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

My family and I are trying to cut back on expenses and I was wondering:
Can you cut your children’s hair with a “Flow-Bee”? It works like a charm on our dogs and even the Cats! (But they will scratch the heck out of you when you turn the machine on them!)

Thanks and War Damn Eagle!
Marge – Opelika, Alabama

A: I would encourage you and other Auburn faithful to do just that.
It sends a message that you are comfortable being “you”.
And please consider (while you are looking to maximize your budget) to try brushing your teeth with the Garden Weasel and be sure and use the screwdriver attachment for that pesky tarter.

Q: Hey Wizard Man!

We are a writing you from the heart of Big Orange Country, right here in Knoxville Tennessee!
We was a hoping you could settle a bet between some of us boys where we is a working.
If Coach Phil Fulmer and Wynona Judd was to fight who would win?

The Boys – Big 10 Tire, Knoxville, Tennessee

A: We all lose Boys……..Hence tsunamis

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

As a Native American Indian and a leading advocate to change Native American NCAA mascots, I am appalled at your stance and insensitivity concerning this hurtful issue.

I encourage you to become more sensitive to the Native American peoples this coming season.
Please join us in banning these insensitive and hurtful images

Sincerely-
Chief Juniper Stink-Eye

A: Seriously, your name is Chief Stink-Eye?
I guess that beats being called Bobby Butthole.

Q: Howdy CFB Wizard!

I have a “little” problem and I hope you can give me some advice on what to do.

I live in Los Angeles and I have the nickname “Chaps” because I live a cowboy lifestyle.
I wear a Cowboy hat and Chaps to work (I work at Radio Shack off Wilshire Boulevard) and I wear Chaps cologne and even carry Chap-stick in my pants pocket.

Also I am a fan of both the Dallas Cowboys and Wyoming Cowboys and I am the current President of the Cowboy Copas Fan Club (International)

My question is this: Do you think I am over the top with my dedication to the cowboy lifestyle?

Happy Trails
Stephen – Los Angeles, California

A: Admit it Stephen…..
You are a closet Southern California Trojan fan in a Village People Cover band aren’t you?

Q: Dear Wizard Man

Let me ask you something Mister.
Why is it that you always find something to pick at about the University of Tennessee?
They is only the greatest sports teams ever in the history of sports teams.

We got that lady that won all that female basket ball stuff, who I can’t think of her name cause I don’t watch it. But it don’t matter cause they win everything there is to win! HA!

Then we got Coach Phil “Greatest Coach EVER” Fulmer that won about 20 National Hotdog eating Championships in a Damn Row! Ever heard of him?
I ain’t never seen a human being eat like that, it look like one of them video shows “When Animals Attack”.

Now we got us Coach Dereck “By God” Droolly and we stole him right from them damn Dogs in Georgia! HA! We got other sports too at Tennessee and we beat everybody’s ass in them sports too!

So why you so damn a writing about them all the time, jealous? HA!

Robert “June Bug” Craver

A: Let me guess….
You have a degree in English from the University of Tennessee am I right?

Q: Dear Sir –

Is there any truth to the internet rumor that the Great Coach Phil Fulmer will return to the University of Tennessee as the Athletic Director? I think he would bring the University back to the Championship stage and prove to be a great compliment to the tradition and pageantry that is the Beacon on the Hill.

Sincerely – Fhil Pulmer, Maryville, Tennessee

A: Nice try Dumbass………
I haven’t wadded through that much bull crap since I went to my last cattle auction.

Q: Hey there Football Wizard!

Without college football I got to tell you there ain’t a damn thing worth watching on television!

I don’t like basketball or baseball and I don’t understand hockey because I never lived in Canada.
Watching a bunch of people wearing sunglasses playing cards ain’t a damn sport!

And I will tell you something else….
Those people on ESPN are smoking crack if they think watching somebody ride a damn bicycle is exciting. It’s worse than watching golf, if that’s possible.

Have you ever tried watching one of them “reality” shows?
My God it will make your damn head pop clean off your shoulders!
If I wanted to set around and watch a bunch Yeah-Who’s arguing I would have gone to my wife’s family reunion, you know what I mean?

Thanks for letting me get that out of my system. So how is Georgia looking this year?

Go DAWGS!
Chip – Dahlonega, Georgia

A: I feel your pain Chip……….
The Dawgs will be better than expected but not as good as you would like…..

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

I know there are brighter days ahead for my beloved Florida State Seminoles, but I still miss watching Coach Bobby wander the sidelines. What has he been up to lately?

Thanks!
GO NOLES!

Chuck – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Coach Bobby is doing the same thing he did the past ten years he coached Chuck.
He wanders around the house aimlessly talking to himself while urinating in Mrs. Bowden’s potted plants.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard

I have a question: My Little boy Jimmy dances every time he hears the Michigan Fight Song and at first it was cute as hell (I admit it).
He would wave his arms around and do this little jig and it was entertaining (I admit it).
But now he is almost sixteen years old and he is still doing the same dance.

Except now when he dances he looks like an octopus that just got tazed.
Frankly it’s just creepy.
Do you have any ideas on how I can detour him from continuing this embarrassing ritual?
Thanks!
GO BLUE
Robert – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: For starters I would take the Modern Bride magazines out of his room and whip his ass and then force him to watch any game the past (How many years?) when the Buckeyes beat the crap out of the wolverines. That will take the steam out of his dancing shoes.

Q: Dear Sir –

I work as an Abe Vigoda impersonator and I am currently unemployed.
Could I work on your CFB Wizard staff?

I could talk to people at games or tailgating and they would think its Abe Vigoda interviewing them!
How Great would that be?

Plus I KNOW how to hold an audience’s attention!
How you may ask? Because I look like Abe Vigoda!
That’s How!
I look forward to hearing back from you!
I am ready to go to work!

Sincerely,
Richard “Abe Vigoda” Pulaski, Las Vegas, Nevada

A: I guess this is a step up from the William Shatner impersonator that wants to work on the staff…
Or maybe not…..

I will have the HR Department with CFB Wizard contact you Richard, but please don’t send us any more pictures and we are returning the ones you sent of yourself in a Speedo.

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

I respectfully request that you inform your loyal readers particularly those of whom are Florida Gator fans of an important message. I would like to inform those fans who happen to be on the campus of the University of Florida, specifically near the stadium known as “The Swamp”, that touching the Tim Tebow statue in the “naughty place” will not make the blind to see or the lame to walk.

Additionally those people touching the statue in the “naughty place” will not receive three wishes or will from the act of clicking their respective heels together get a vacation to Cancun.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Sincerely,
The Pope, Rome Italy

PS: How do you think the Fighting Irish will do this year?

A: Thank you your imminence for that timely public service announcement
(Give me a call your holiness and I will give you the low down on the Boys from South Bend)

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Thanksgiving is right around the corner….
And that means one thing…

The next three weeks the fiercest rivalries in all of college football will be played.

There will be Egg Bowls and Apple Cups…

Civil Wars and Good Ole Fashioned Hate

There will be Iron wills and Iron Bowls….

Just thinking about it….
Can make your stomach queasier than Aunt Edna’s five bean casserole
Where are my Tums?

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Much like Elvis and Richard Petty, it’s good to be the King.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather astounding 46 and 10 last week or 82%.
This leaves me at 504 and 120 or 81% for the season.
But just for the record…
“NO” I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns…

EMAIL LETTER(S) OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
You sir, espouse to be a southern gentlemen and are a self ascribed expert in all things southern.
So I have question that my family and I are in hopes you can help us with.
Upon moving to the “south” from up north, specifically Springfield Illinois, we were appalled at how prejudiced everyone is in the south.

People in our new neighborhood laughed at me when I put our mailbox up with our name on it!
And some kids drove by and told me to “get the hell out of the neighborhood!”

My wife and I went to a local church and someone there pointed at my name on my visitors “Hello My Name Is” tag
and that person told me “We don’t mind you coming to church here, but there better not be any funny business going on in the back pews”.
I have never been so shocked and appalled in all my life!
So I ask you sir, why would people in such a “friendly southern town” react in such a harsh way to strangers from the north!
Is it the way we look, is it the way we talk or is there something wrong with our name?
I ask you?
Moe and Ima Queer, Rome, Georgia

A: Seriously….
“MOE and IMA QUEER”
You are the Queer Family?
I think I just whizzed on myself…

Q: Sir,
We are avid readers of your web site and were wondering if you could do us a favor.
You see, we are producers and directors of adult “art” films.
Just want you to know that even the Supreme Court ruled that our movies were NOT pornography, but art.
So, what we would like to know is if you have some kind of copyright or trademark claim on the title “Pirates and Blue Ho’s”
because we were thinking it would make a GREAT title for our next production.
It would be a classic retelling of rather amorous Pirates pillaging a Connecticut village of Democrats and the subsequent sexual escapades.
It’s pure genius.
Sincerely
The Dark Bros.
Burbank, Ca.

A: Now, the emails are just getting creepy..

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Now everybody has done heard about that Fig Newton kid from Auburn….
And what’s them Auburn fans a saying?
Why that boy’s daddy’s a preacher he didn’t take no money or ask for nothing!
Cause he’s a Preacher!
Well let me tell you something about that….
My wife Sassy and I have been married for 53 years and we have been going to the same church here in Opp Alabama since we known one another….
And during that whole time up until last Sunday they pass the plate for the “Building Fund” and they hadn’t bought so much as a new door knob since we been there.
But the Preacher drives a new Cadillac…
So don’t be telling me cause a man claims to be a preacher he won’t take something that don’t belong to him”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend, see you soon…

THE PICKS

Thursday November 18th

Georgia State at Alabama
“coach” Bill Curry asked for this game…..
The lesson to be learned here…
Be Careful what you ask for….
CRIMSON TIDE 43-10

UCLA at Washington
Where is Coach James when you need him….
BRUINS 24-21

Air Force at UNLV
Last time I was in Vegas I lost some money at the tables…
And I wanted to bomb the town myself…
This Saturday I get my revenge..
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-17

Friday November 19th

Fresno State at Boise State
Wow…….
Another tough opponent for the Smurf Turf Boys….
What? The Taxidermy Academy isn’t available on Friday Night?
BRONCOS 113-3

Saturday November 20th

Purdue at Michigan State
As you might have guessed….
This Big Ten game is played for a “trophy”
It looks like a monkey playing an accordion…
Which is creepy…
SPARTANS 34-20

Penn State at Indiana
Hoosier? As in Hoosier Daddy?
That would be Joe Pa……
JOE’S LIONS 33-24

West Virginia at Louisville
There was a time this game decided the Big East Championship…
This isn’t the time…
STRONGER CARDINALS 33-31

Troy at South Carolina
Two things I know about this game….
The Gamecocks are going to Atlanta….
And Troy is going to get his ass whipped..
GAMECOCKS 38-10

North Carolina State at North Carolina
This instate Tobacco Road rivalry is called…
“The North Carolina – North Carolina State Rivalry”
You have to admit…
The name is descriptive
PACK OF WOLVES 34-31

Virginia at Boston College
It’s tough to win on Chestnut Hill…..
This game will prove my point..
CHESTNUT EAGLES 33-17

Oklahoma State at Kansas
The Prairie Wind blows into Kansas and touches Dorothy and Toto in naughty places.
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Wisconsin at Michigan
This Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Decoupage Cheese of Doom”
I heard it smells a lot like Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
After it’s been in the sun for ten days…
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21

Yale at Harvard
This a HUGE game in the Ivy League….
Which is another reason why nobody cares….
Seriously nobody cares

Pittsburgh at South Florida
Most people would tell you the Panthers have this game in the bag..
I’m not most people
NO BULL 24-21

Appalachian State at Florida
The Gator Nation is depressed over the 2010 season….
This game will make you all feel better
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

East Carolina at Rice
Rice gets caked by the Pirates…
Believe it
PIRATES 31-17

Duke at Georgia Tech
The Blue Devils will be far too distracted….
by the heavenly smells drifting across the field from the home of the world’s greatest chili dogs…
The Varsity….
To put up much of a fight…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-24

Chattanooga at Wofford
I don’t know if “Wofford” was named after Chewbacca’s kid…
Or is it a pesky variation of the Whopping Cough…
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Citadel at Samford
The boys from the Military College of South Carolina…
Lay a Carolina Butt Whipping on Fred and Lamont…
Believe it
BULLDOGS 38-10

Montana State at Montana
This hate filled instate battle in Big Sky Country is called….
“The Brawl of the Wild” and it is played for The Great Divide Trophy
This game is “hate thy neighbor” at its finest
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-24

UTEP at Tulsa
The winner of this game has a shot at the “Vienna Sausage Bowl” in Valdosta Georgia
Yeah, it’s that important
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-34

Colorado State at Wyoming
The Cowboys might win this game…
And Janet Reno “might” be a woman…
RAM TOUGH 33-17

Kansas State at Colorado
The Buffalos will win one for their coach who shouldn’t have been hired in the first place
BUFFALOS 28-24

Clemson at Wake Forest
Have faith My Tiger Faithful…..
DABO’S TIGERS 28-17

Kent State at Western Michigan
“Golden Flashes and Bronco’s”….
Makes me think Grandpa got naked and jumped on the horse and is headed to town..
GOLDEN FLASHES 24-21

Weber State at Texas Tech
The Boys from the Grilling College gets smoked in Lubbock…
Which just so happens to be the Home of Buddy Holly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 48-10

Marshall at Southern Methodist
I have mixed emotions in this game….
I love the Thundering Herd…
But I am a Mustang Man…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Illinois at Northwestern
This instate battle in the land of Lincoln….
Is played each year for the “Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
As opposed to the “Diet Light Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”….
It has all the flavor of the regular Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, but less calories…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-31

Ole Miss at LSU
That foam rubber bear that is supposed to somehow be a “Rebel”….
Get’s his ass eaten alive by Big Mike the Tiger…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

Arkansas State at Navy
This game is going to be uglier than an orangutan in a prom dress…
MIDSHIPMEN 53-10

Central Florida at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a lime green trickle by the time this one is over..
KNIGHTS OF GOLD 44-14

Florida Atlantic at Texas
As God as my witness……
They better not lose this one…
LONGHORNS 34-17

Ohio State at Iowa
This game will be for the Big Ten Title..
Just like I said it would be..
No Need to thank me.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-24

Stanford at California
In California….
They call this “The Big Game” and it’s played for the Stanford Ax
Which basically means nobody outside California gives a crap
CARDINAL 6-3

Virginia Tech at Miami
It’s too close to Thanksgiving not to pick the Fighting Turkeys
That’s how I roll
HOKEY POKEY 34-28

Memphis at UAB
I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building…
BLAZERS 38-17

New Mexico State at Nevada
I hate to think about Pistol Pete getting devoured by a pack of hungry wolves
It reminds me of an episode of “When Animals Attack”
PACK OF WOLVES 43-20

New Mexico at Brigham Young
The cougars deliver a low blow to the lobos like a hobo on a yo-yo..
(I can do this all day …)
COUGARS 43-10

Connecticut at Syracuse
I cannot believe I am writing this…
OTTO the ORANGE 31-24

Army at Notre Dame
This game will be played in Yankee Stadium….
As God intended it to be…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-28

Arkansas at Mississippi State
Hawgs and Dogs……
I love that German Ice Cream….
HAWGS 34-24

Missouri at Iowa State
This Big 12 Rivalry is played for the…..
“Telephone Trophy”
Yes, I’m serious…
MO’S TIGERS 34-31

Tennessee at Vanderbilt
This instate “rivalry” in the Volunteer State is played for the…
“Petrified Possum Trophy”…
Honestly…
It looks eerily similar to Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
VOWELS 38-17

Rutgers at Cincinnati
In this Big East Battle….
I will go with the boys from Chili Town…
KATS of BEAR 28-21

Nebraska at Texas A&M
This game will be too close for comfort for the Children of the Corn
MIGHTY HUSKERS 28-24

Oklahoma at Baylor
This game will be closer than you might think….
A Lot closer..
BOOMER SOONER 31-28

Florida State at Maryland
The Seminoles are finding ways to win and the Turtlemen are finding ways to lose…
It’s just that simple
NOLES 33-24

Southern California at Oregon State
Some people might think..
I would make an off-color joke about “Trojans and Beavers……”,
But I am better than that….
At least this week I am better than that…
LAME CHEATERS 5-3

Houston at Southern Miss
The cougars are playing more like Sylvester the Cat…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

Utah at San Diego State
So these two Utes were making fun of this ancient Aztecs butt floss…
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 34-24

San Jose State at Hawaii
Jose? As in “San Jose”…..
I think Dog the Bounty Hunter arrested him on the last episode…
Which can be seen on the A&E Channel on Wednesday nights…
Check your local listings for times in your area
WARRIORS electric sliding across RAINBOWS 38-10

Enjoy Your Games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Before we get into this Week’s Picks I believe Congratulations are in order….

After defeating the James Madison Dukes last Saturday the University of New Hampshire Wildcats can take their rightful place as the Number Three Ranked team in College Football!

This of course is based upon the BCS formula of the “three degrees of separation” as it relates to the Virginia Tech Hokies.

Meaning: On the merit of Boise State’s win over Virginia Tech, the Bronco’s moved to the Number Three Ranking, correct? The following week James Madison defeated Virginia Tech and they should have been elevated to at least a Number Three ranking as well, right?

That brings us to last Saturday…
The New Hampshire Wildcats defeated the James Madison Dukes, who defeated the Virginia Tech Hokies and thus are the Number Three Team in College Football!

Now that you understand the logic associated with the BCS….
You too are qualified to determine who will play in the BCS Championship game…

EDITORS NOTES: Based on the BCS formula….
I think New Hampshire has a real shot at the title game..Don’t you?

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

You know it’s a tough week when Chuck Norris references can’t help you….
Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a dismal 40 and 14 or 74%.
That drops me to 335 and 69 or 83% after seven weeks of college football.
But this is no time to dwell on post Saturday heartbreak….

EDITORS NOTE: South Carolina and Nebraska fans take note
It’s the Third Saturday in October….
And that means war….

DUMBASS OF THE WEEK AWARD

In a photo finish….
The Dumbass of the Week Award goes to none other than CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson who said last week after Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett left the game with Auburn with an undisclosed injury….
“ I talk to the Arkansas trainers and I got me no information on it”

EDITORS NOTE: Before the season is over….
I hope Tracy gets “Hooked on Phonics”

Second runner-up for this week’s award goes to Tracy’s colleague in the CBS booth, Vern Lundquist who stated near halftime of the Arkansas – Auburn contest….
“Stay tuned to CBS for all of today’s gay highlights from around the country”

EDITORS NOTES: Who knew Vern was a Kenny Chesney fan?

FAN FAVORITE OF THE WEEK AWARD

This week the Auburn Tiger fans have selected as “The Fan Favorite of the Week”
Southeastern Conference referee Penn Wagers of Summerville South Carolina for providing the Tigers with two unassisted touchdowns in their victory over the Arkansas Razorbacks!
Although they didn’t need the additional touchdowns to win the game…
It is nice to know that Penn cared enough to give the Tigers the extra added bonus to ensure victory!
Congratulations to Penn and War Damn Eagle!

THE PICKS

Thursday October 20th

UCLA at Oregon
This game will be chocked full of Quackers and Bears..
Which coincidently is not unlike a box of animal crackers
QUACK ATTACK 43-17

Friday October 21st

South Florida at Cincinnati
The Boys from Chili Town are fresh off their victory for the Keg of Nails
And that is good enough for me….
BEARKATS 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: Also Cincinnati is the home of Skyline Chili which greatly influences my selection process when it comes to picking the BearKats, just so you know.

Saturday October 22nd

Syracuse at West Virginia
Otto the Orange will feel out of place in Morgantown…
Especially when they roast him on a couch…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Moravian at Juniata
I wonder….
If Morons come from Moravian?
Not that it matters to Juanita
J-LO 28-10

Duke at Virginia Tech
Blue Devils fans finally have something to cheer about…
Basketball season is almost here..
HOKEY POKEY 43-17

Iowa State at Texas
My beloved Longhorns….
Have returned to their winning ways before my liver fell out and my spleen exploded.
Which is nice…
LONGHORNS 28-17

Michigan State at Northwestern
The Spartans are undefeated at this point in the season for the first time in 44 years…
That trend will continue in the Windy City on Saturday…
SPARTANS 38-14

Notre Dame at Navy
Even Golden garden Gnomes won’t help the Fighting Leprechauns this week..
Believe it…
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Penn State at Minnesota
The Not So very Golden Gophers have one problem…
Actually they have a lot of problems…
No offense, no defense and nonexistent special teams….
But let’s keep this simple shall we?
Jo Pa is coming to town….
The Governors’ Bell Trophy goes too…
JOE’S LIONS 33-10

Ole Miss at Arkansas
One question….
What the hell does a foam rubber bear have to do with the “Ole Miss Rebels”?
Is that a “rebel” bear? Does he just not get along with the other bears?
Does he do a keen James Dean impression?
That’s just stupid….
RAZORBACKS 38-24

Mars Hill at Carson Newman
You know illegal immigration is a problem…
When people from Mars have their own college..
SPARKS EAGLES 43-28

Indiana at Illinois
This Big Twelve, Eleven, I mean Ten Rivalry…
Is played each year for the “Bottom Feeder of the Conference Trophy”
In case you were wondering….
The Trophy is a stuffed Catfish….
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 31-17

Delaware at William and Mary
This game will have Bill and Mary chasing some hens around a field…
Throw in some fireworks and some liquor and you have a weekend at Hootie Snitch’s house..
BLUE HENS 38-24

Purdue at Ohio State
The Boilermakers will need a few after this one is over….
The Buckeyes have a mean on…
BUCKEYES 34-14

Rutgers at Pittsburgh
The Knights will leave the home of Iron City Beer with a Scarlett face…
Believe it…
PANTHERS 24-17

Maryland at Boston College
Honestly this game is a tossup….
Because both teams have more personalities than a schizophrenic
TURTLEMEN 24-21

Ohio at Miami (OH)
Coach Franks Cats of Bob are ready but the boys from Miami are red hot..
RED HAWKS 33-28

Wyoming at Brigham Young
I have a philosophical question….
If Wyoming and Washington State played against each other..
How many days would it be until someone scored?
COUGARS 38-10

Chattanooga at Furman
Choo-Choo and Chewbacca….
Sounds like a chewing tobacco company…
MIGHTY MOCS 28-24

Northern Arizona at Montana
Not even a bunch of lumberjacks can calm a grizzly bear…
I saw that once on the Animal Planet…
GRIZZZZZZZ 41-24

Kent State at Bowling Green
This battle of the Buckeye State is played for the “Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”
Because if you aren’t the Buckeyes in Ohio, then nobody cares…
FALCONS 31-17

Rice at Central Florida
My Favorite Pudding doesn’t get breaded this weekend….
PUDDING POPS 28-24

Connecticut at Louisville
I still believe the Cardinals are Strong….
STRONGS CARDNIALS 31-28

North Alabama at Ouachita Baptist
Little known fact..
Like most denominations of the Baptist faith….
The Ouachita Baptist will not make love standing up…
For fear someone will see them and think they were dancing..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-14

Kansas State at Baylor
In case you were wondering..
The slogan…
“Let’s go Wacko in Waco”
Wasn’t cool anymore when the Branch Davidians moved into the neighborhood
WILDCATS 28-20

Millsaps at Centre
I didn’t know Ronnie Millsaps had his own college?
I wonder if Conway Twitty does too?
Never mind…
RONNIE’S BOYS 24-17

Wisconsin at Iowa
I told you about the Power of Cheese last week…
This week it’s all about Cheese Curls…
HAWKS EYES 31-24

LSU at Auburn
I am going out on a limb here….
But I believe the Tigers are going to win this game…
Call it a Prognosticators Hunch….
TIGERS 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Fightn’ Tigers…..

Georgia Tech at Clemson
I think it’s worth mentioning here….
I miss my adopted Clemson Tiger Family…
This one is for you all….
DABO’S TIGERS 28-23

Houston at Southern Methodist
I know my Ponies took it on the chin last weekend….

EDITORS NOTE: That was in no way intended as a slight on the Chinese people..
This country owes them far too much money for me to make them angry

MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Arizona State at California
I would watch this game…..
But there is a “special” on Sea Monkeys on the Discovery Channel.
You do know they are natures perfect animal, right?
DEVILS of the SUN 6-3

Massachusetts at New Hampshire
The Nations Number Three Wildcats takes on the Men of Minutes…
In a clash which is located ten miles from the arctic circle…
Just thought I would throw that in…
WILDCATS 24-17

Marshall at East Carolina
I won’t forget the Thundering Herd’s game with the Pirates on November 14th 1970…
And neither should you…
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24

Hawaii at Utah State
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it…
But Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E Network on Wednesday Evenings..
Check your local listings for times in your area…
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting on RAINBOWS 38-28

Washington State at Stanford
I don’t know if I mentioned it…..
But the Cougars couldn’t beat the West Orange Texas High School Mustangs…
And that’s a damn fact
CARDINAL 151-0

New Mexico State at Idaho
Have you seen the Idaho Vandal mascot?
He really does look a pedophile out on parole….
I half expect to see him with an ankle tracker…
PISTOL PETE 38-34

Eastern Michigan at Virginia
I don’t mean to be cavalier about my selection here….
CAVALIERS 31-21

Colorado State at Utah
“Two what? What was that word? Two What?”

Click here to view the embedded video.

UAB at Mississippi State
Coach Dan’s Bulldogs have already done some Urban renewal in the Swamp..
Now they are ready for homecoming in Starkville
DAN’S DAWGS 34-10

South Carolina at Vanderbilt
Coach Steve will have his Roosters ready to crow in the Music City
Believe it…
GAMECOCKS 38-17

Texas A&M at Kansas
I would watch this game but I am hosting a Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey accessory party…
It’s like a Tupperware party except with Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey accessories.
I did tell you they were natures perfect animal right?
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Alabama at Tennessee
It’s the Third Saturday in October….
This is Republicans and Democrats..
Its Cowboys and Indians…
Its oil and water
Except its worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

North Carolina at Miami
The Heels get Tarred in South Beach….
And “No” it has nothing to do with the BP Oil spill…
HURRICANES 24-21

Georgia at Kentucky
Here is a little lesson in life….
Dawgs tree cats, it’s what they do…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Air Force at Texas Christian
The Mighty Falcons get grounded in Fort Worth…
And it won’t be due to bad weather…
HORNED FROGS 38-17

Washington at Arizona
Didn’t I mention earlier that Dogs tree cats?
I did?
Then this one is easy…
HUSKIES 31-24

Nebraska at Oklahoma State
The Prairie Wind is getting ready to touch the Cowboys in the naughty place…
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Oklahoma at Missouri
UPSET SPECIAL!
MO Knows Upsets…
I know that because on every episode of the Three Stooges MO looks upset..
MO’S TIGERS 33-28

Texas Tech at Colorado
The Red Raiders saddle up to get back to their winning ways….
At least that’s the plan…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 28-24

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

And I got me a royal case of the red ass….

And I will tell you why….

First off I’m a sitting here in my bar “Scooters” located in Baneberry Tennessee right next to Frank’s Fireworks Stand and before yawl even write me I know the damn sign on my bar is missing the last “S” in Scooter’s. That ole boy that put it together has got himself a prosthetic eye, I heard he lost it in a weed eater accident and he don’t see so good, so that’s why it’s a missing the last “S”.

But I’m here a nursing me a hangover from hell…
Because of the last two damn weeks of Tennessee Volunteer football.

If you don’t know what I mean, then here you go…

Two weeks ago….
The Volunteers got cheated out of a damn game with them Oregon Ducks..
How do I know that?
Let me tell you….

What do Ducks like? “Water” am I right?
You damn right I’m a right on that one!
So the Volunteers was a handling them Ducks pretty good and a winning the game….
Until it started to rain, that’s right I said RAIN…
Well, that is unfair as hell!
Because that was a when them damn Ducks took off!

What they should have done was stopped the game until it quit raining!
Because it ain’t fair to try and catch ducks in the rain and it don’t make good sense neither!
Them damn Pack 10 referees ain’t worth a tinkers damn if you ask me!
So they basically gave the game to the Ducks…..

Then this past Saturday the damn Urban Gators come to town….
We had us about ten chances to win that game, we damn sure did..
And couldn’t do it cause the Gators cheat like hell and the referees are all on their side cause they probably live down in Florida.

On top of all of that I went to both of them games and felt like me and my wife got cheated on our tickets cause…
a whole bunch of Volunteer fans started leaving in the third quarter in both of them games.

So I asked one of them “so called Tennessee fans” during the Florida game,
if they bought a ticket for half the game and they started a cussing a blue streak and having a full blown hissy fit.
So I accused him of being a Gator fan in Vol clothes!
Which I don’t know if it’s true or not but it’s all I could come with at the time.
And you know what?
Me and the Mrs. Thelma Stroderback –Snitch still don’t know if there is a damn ticket for only half the game at Tennessee?

So there you have it…
Now even though I ain’t too happy about right now…
I am still a going to answer some of my fans questions cause I know yawl want to know what’s on Ole Hootie’s mind.

Hootie’s Email Questions

Q: Hootie I got a question for you
I know there all kinds of turf now days in college football…
But which do you like better artificial turf or natural grass?
GO VOLS!
Jimmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I don’t know Jimmy I ain’t never smoked any artificial turf

Q: Hey Hootie!
Hey I noticed the new Tennessee Volunteer helmets have a “T” on the front of the helmet,
when it used to say “Vols”, is there a reason for the change?
Tina – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: As you know Tina, Coach Drooly is trying to put more emphasis on the education for the players,
so they put the “T” on the front because it stands for “Knowledge”.
They say it makes them players smarter…

Q: Hey Hootie! How Bout them Gators!
Randy – Gainesville, Florida

A: Let me tell you something Randy…
You don’t want to go to “Fist City” with me boy!
I can’t even walk around Baneberry with my hands in my pockets
because the Police will arrest me for concealing two deadly weapons, so you better watch your damn mouth!
Smartass Gator…

Q: Hootie –
Now that you have your bar off its wheels and in a permanent location…
what have you been up to other than supporting the Big Orange?
Do you still work at Dollywood?
Roy – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thanks for asking Roy, that last email made my red ass flare up…
Well me and the Miss’s are a running “Scooters” and she is still doing her hand modeling for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store and she is still writing some songs and driving a Baneberry school bus.
The Dollywood show I was in “Who Let the Clogs out?” closed up at the end of the summer.
But I got me a “new” audition coming up at Dollywood for the musical “Phantom of the Oprah”

Q: Give it to us straight Hootie!!!!
As a loyal died in the wool, your blood bleeds orange Tennessee Volunteer Fan..
What do you think about our Football Coach?
“The Boy’s” from Big Ed’s Tire and Appliance, Johnson City, Tennessee

A: Well Boys….
I think Coach Drooly is doing fine, for now….
And I know we can’t get Coach Phil Fulmer back,
because he took that job as “The Ambassador of Lard” for the Tennessee Pride Sausage Company.
But like everybody else I have a Dream…..
That one day….
In the not too distant future….
“He” will come home to Coach the Volunteers
I get misty eyed every time I look at this picture…

One last thing…
Don’t yawl dare forget about my Celebrity Golf Tournament coming up on the 16th of October during the Volunteers bye week.
It’s going to be held right here in Baneberry Tennessee and most of the money is going to a worthy cause.
It’s to help my momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

See yawl there!

Hootie Out!

Everyone take your seats….
Class is in session

Just relax….
Now is no time to panic…..
It’s only the first week…

Time for a quick review before we move on to this week’s college football picks

The Ohio State Buckeyes are even better than advertised

The Kansas Jayhawks are considering a sponsorship from Hoover Vacuum Cleaner Company, thus allowing Hoover to use the motto:
“Our vacuums suck almost as much as the Kansas Football Team”

The North Carolina Tar Heels don’t have any quit in them…

Jacksonville State Gamecocks (See Above and Congratulations)

Phil Fulmer can still consume an entire 1977 Buick if it’s covered in butter and lard.

The Gator Fans wish Tim had at least another year of eligibility

Since the national pollsters were forced to “break-up” with the Southern California Trojans…..
They have found a “new love” in the Boise State Broncos.

Pam Wards voice made ear’s bleed across the state of Illinois last Saturday

The Ole Miss Rebels are currently searching EBay for a “used or previously owned” time machine.

The once proud Southern California Trojans defense; isn’t.

I still love Stevie Nicks

Lou Holtz can’t pronounce “suffering succotash”….
Without splattering the studio cameras and Mark May with spit.

Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music.

And Lastly Class…..
Saturday’s College Football Games will be played on September 11th….
So let me say this in my deep Southern drawl so you get the message loud and clear.
“Hell No, I won’t ever forget and neither should any of you”

Enjoy your picks…

PRE GAME WARM-UP

Before we move to this week’s games….
I should note your favorite college football prognosticator was 72 and 10 or a substandard 88% for the first week of the season.

Like I said…
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks

THE PICKS

Thursday September 9th

Central Michigan at Temple
I wonder if “Chippewa’s” in the Native American language means…
“Two Utes”?
I know, sometimes I think too much…
TWO UTES from Michigan 34-28

Auburn at Mississippi State
No Upset Special here
Bulldog Jim, this one is for you….
DAN’S DAWGS 31-28

Friday September 10th

West Virginia at Marshall
This game is known as…
“The Friends of Coal Bowl” and it is played for the Governors Cup
What this game actually is…..
Is a good fashioned fist fight for instate bragging rights…
And that my friends is more important than anything.
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

UTEP at Houston
I know El Paso doesn’t have anything to do with what I am about to say…
But is it just me, or if you stare at “UTEP” on the screen…
Does it not start looking like “TWO UTES” after about five minutes?
It’s just me? Ok, then never mind…
COUGARS 43-24

Saturday September 11th

Hawaii at Army
It’s September the 11th and Army will be spoiling for a fight…
Believe it…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 33-31

EDITORS NOTE: If the West Point Football Coaching staff can’t motivate the Black Knights to win this game on September 11th, they should all be fired on the spot down to the damn equipment manager.

Garner Webb at Akron
I am still confused as to why Akron has a Kangaroo for a mascot named “Zippy”
It just goes to show you that I have been right all along….
Living in such close proximity to the Arctic Circle causes brain damage.
ZIPPERS 24-17

Juniata at Susquehanna
One of my favorite games of the year….
The two toughest girls from the trailer park square off for bragging rights…
Juniata although well over 300 pounds looks quick as a cat in her pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants, but it does look like she has about fifteen hundred dollars worth of hail damage when seen from the rear.
Then there is Susquehanna…
She is rumored to carry a variety of weaponry in her “over the top” beehive hairdo, to include a sharpened nail file, along with an engine block from a 1967 Oldsmobile and a claw hammer.
This should be a tussle for the ages….
I am going with….
SUSQUEHANNA 2 out of 3 Falls

San Jose State at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 38-10

Illinois State at Northwestern
I am not convinced the Wildcats are for real, but I am sure the Redbirds aren’t
CATS 34-10

Western Illinois at Purdue
“Leather Necks and Boilermakers”….
Sounds like a Saturday night at the Club in Camp Lejeune……
BOILERMAKERS 33-10

Georgia at South Carolina
This game will come down to who has the ball last….
Don’t leave your seats…
GAMECOCKS 24-23

South Dakota at Minnesota
Coyotes and Gophers….
This game sounds like a Loony Tune Cartoon…
O’ so very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Duke at Wake Forest
“Blue Devils and Demon Deacons”
That sounds like a game of naked Twister at Jimmy Swaggart’s house
DEMON DEACONS 28-17

Georgia Tech at Kansas
It is my understanding, in an effort to “revitalize” the Jay Hawk offense…
They have renamed the starting Kansas backfield “Dorothy and Toto”
Not that it will help in this game…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10

Texas Southern at Connecticut
The Tigers won’t win this game…
But they do have “The Ocean of Soul Marching Band”
Which doesn’t equate to points, but they are really cool.
HUSKIES 34-10

Florida Atlantic at Michigan State
The Atlantic Owls would play better in this game if they were closer to the ocean..
But unfortunately they are near the Great Lakes, sorry.
SPARTANS 33-13

Indiana State at Cincinnati
I just have to ask…..
What is supposed to be so scary about a bunch of “Sycamores”?
Why not just call them the “Itchy Ivy” or “Poison Sumac”
That would at least frightened some people…
BEARKATS 34-10

Memphis at East Carolina
The Elvis Tigers are playing more like “Velvet Elvis’s” than Tigers
PIRATES 31-17

South Florida at Florida
The Mighty Gators better be ready this Saturday
Coach Holtz and the Boys from Tampa are motivated, and that’s no Bull.
MIGHTY GATORS 31-17

Idaho at Nebraska
You say; “Ida Ho”, I say “Ho Down”…..
CHILDERN OF THE CORN 44-10

South Dakota State at Delaware
I don’t know if a Jackrabbit can beat a Blue Hen…
But we are about to find out…
BLUE HENS 31-27

New Hampshire at Pittsburgh
I didn’t even know the folks in Hampshire played football…
I thought they were more into clubbing baby seals…
Who knew?
PANTHERS 41-10

Old Dominion at Campbell
This game will have for your viewing pleasure….
“Monarchs’ and Fighting Camels”
And the “mascot” for the Fighting Camels is called “Gaylord”
I’m serious….Gaylord the Fighting Camel
Who thinks this crap up?
MONARCHS’ 23-21

James Madison at Virginia Tech
I don’t about Jimmy, but his wife Dolly sure does make some tasty donuts.
HOKIES 43-10

Georgia Southern at Navy
The Eagles of Southern will have the Statesboro Blues by the time this one is over
MIDSHIPMEN 31-21

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville
Charlie’s Cardinal’s will have the Colonels reduced to Lance Corporals by halftime
Believe it….
CARDINALS 38-10

Florida State at Oklahoma
This is going to be a slugfest from start to finish…
Both teams are going to find out what they are made of here.
BOOMER SOONERS 28-24

Michigan at Notre Dame
This game leads me to an age old philosophical question….
Can’t they both lose?
FIGHTING IRISH 33-31

Colorado at California
I wonder if the California Bear mascot is named “Gaylord”
That would be appropriate…
GAYLORDS 3-2

Iowa State at Iowa
This instate rivalry is played each year of the coveted Cy-Hawk Trophy
Which, to the best of my knowledge…..
Will remain at the University of Iowa until Hell freezes over.
HAWKS EYES 33-14

Valdosta State at Newberry
They used to be the “Newberry Indians” but that was demeaned racist by the Nazis at the NCAA..
So now the are the Wolves or something. It’s sad really…
BLAZERS 33-17

Presbyterian at Clemson
I am convinced through my exhaustive research…
That the term “Blue Ho’s” refers to a group of female Smurfs…
Who have fallen on hard times and or who have a drug habit, which is just tragic.
DABO’S TIGERS 38-10

Kent State at Boston College
Every time I hear “Golden Flashes” I think Grandpa escaped from the home and got naked in Wal-Mart (again)
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-10

Miami at Ohio State
The Buckeye defense will smother the Hurricanes
Believe it….
BUCKEYES 34-17

Brigham Young at Air Force
I don’t want to think about the Falcons losing to the folks from Donny and Marie Land.
So I won’t
COUGARS 33-17

UNLV at Utah
Little known fact….
“UNLV” in Latin means…” Duo Adulescens”
Which as we all know means….
TWO UTES 38-10

Morgan State at Maryland
First things first…
Congratulations to the Ninja Turtles for getting the crabs from Navy last week
I only hope you got the proper ointment for them before this week’s game.
NINJA TURTLES 34-13

Ursinus at Franklin Marshall
I wonder if Franklin Marshall ever had a Ursinus infection?
I know I couldn’t help myself…

McNeese State at Missouri
Mo knows how to kick a cowboys butt….
If he doesn’t Curley certainly does…
MO’S TIGERS 34-10

Wyoming at Texas
These Cowboys get stampeded by the runaway Longhorns…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-13

Chattanooga at Jacksonville State
After last Saturday…..
I wouldn’t pick against the Gamecocks if there were playing the New England Patriots
GAMECOCKS 33-28

Montana State at Washington State
I wish I could generate some interest in this game….
But I can’t…
I DON’T CARE AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU 3-2

Toledo at Ohio
The Rockets of Toledo remind me of a pack of wet firecrackers….
FRANK’S BOBCATS 31-10

Louisiana Tech at Texas A&M
These dogs haven’t seen anything like “Reveille” at Kyle Field…
Play the “Aggie War Hymn” all night long….
GIG EM AGGIES 44-17

Louisiana Monroe at Arkansas
Poor ole Monroe, he is getting ready to be introduced too…
An Arkansas Ass Whipping…
RAZORBACKS 43-10

LSU at Vanderbilt
The Music City Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-23

Penn State at Alabama
A Classic Rivalry between two historical programs
The memories of these clashes are never far from my mind…
This one will be no different…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-17

Oregon at Tennessee
This game is like trying to pick a winner in a war between Iran and Syria
VOWELS 24-23

Syracuse at Washington
One question: If Otto the Orange drinks orange juice does that make him a cannibal?
Just wondering…
HUSKIES 31-10

Jackson State at Tennessee State
This game has produced some of the greatest legends of the game….
Walter Payton, Coach “Big John” Merritt, Jefferson Street Joe Gilliam and too many others to mention here and I miss them all.
And just for the record….
The Sonic Boom of the South Marching Band isn’t too bad either…
TIGERS 28-24

Troy at Oklahoma State
I believe the Prairie Wind is getting ready to touch Troy in the naughty place.
COWBOY UP! 38-17

North Alabama at Glenville State
The Lions of Florence are the real deal..
Believe it…
MIGHTY LIONS 33-28

Tennessee Tech at Texas Christian
This game is going to be uglier than Rita Rodriguez in a bikini…
HORNED FROGS 44-0

Bowling Green at Tulsa
I still think “Golden Hurricanes” sounds dirty…
HURRICANES OF GOLD 31-24

Puget Sound at Occidental
This is dumb…
Who ever heard of being “Occidental Prone”
If your going to name your school, then at least get it right…
OXYMORONS 17-10

Rice at North Texas
I believe in the power of my favorite pudding…
Sometimes….
RICE PUDDING 27-23

Missouri State at Kansas State
The Missouri bears should have gone into hibernation sooner…
WILDCATS 34-10

Western Kentucky at Kentucky
Another instate battle for supremacy in the Blue Grass…
Not really, I was just trying to hype the game…
JOKER’S CATS 44-10

Southern Illinois at Illinois
This game features two mascots that are hard to pronounce and don’t make any sense…
“Salukis and Fighting Illini”
Which when said together quickly sounds like a fungus…
FIGHTNING PUMPKINS 28-14

Millsaps at LaGrange College
Ronnie Millsaps is playing ZZ Top?
He is blind as a bat…..
I hope he doesn’t get himself killed…
But just writing LaGrange, I can hear Billy Gibbons now…..
HAW HAW HAW 33-10

North Carolina State at Central Florida
This one is a Toss up for me….
But I like the boys from Disney World…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-24

Rutgers at Florida International
Note to the folks at Florida “International”
Just because you have an airport close to your college doesn’t make you “International”
SCARLET KNIGHTS 33-17

UAB at Southern Methodist
The Blazers will be set on fire by the Mighty Mustangs of SMU…
(Thought that one up in a moment of brilliance)
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-24

San Diego State at New Mexico State
The Aggies were forced to give up their mascot “Pistol Pete” because he had a foam rubber gun and now they have the ridiculous “Lasso Larry” or some such thing…
The weirdo’s from the left coast thought that the “Aztec” mascot was somehow degrading to a culture that doesn’t exist and that believed in ritual human sacrifice.
At least the alumni at New Mexico State complained….
PISTOL PETE 33-28

Texas Tech at New Mexico
The Lobos take a Low Blow like a Hobo in this Big Show
(I came up with that one all by myself)
GET THOSE GUNS UP! RED RAIDERS! 34-10

Ole Miss at Tulane
Look on the bright side Green Wave fans…
No matter what happens this Saturday
You didn’t lose to Jacksonville State…
REBELS 31-17

Montana at Cal Poly
The Mighty Grizzlies of Montana are for real….
And the folks from Polly…….
Well, they are from California.
GRIZZ 38-10

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
This instate tussle is played for the “Cactus A’ Plenty” Trophy…
Not really, I just made that up…
DEVILS OF THE SUN 38-13

Citadel at Arizona
The Boys from the Military College of South Carolina won’t enjoy their trip out west.
WILDCATS 38-10

Colorado State at Nevada
The Rams let me down last week….
They won’t this week….
WOLFPACK 33-10

Virginia at Southern California
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game…
LAME CHEATERS 7-3

Stanford at UCLA
The History of Hand Puppets is on the Public Access Channel…
Or I would make a real effort to catch this game.
CARDINAL 24-20

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s finally here….
The “official” kickoff to the 2010 College Football Season…

This week we have some instate rivals and border wars….
We have Creampuffs and Wanna-be’s….
And we have a couple of games that will separate the contenders from the pretenders.

The National Anthem is over and the Marching Band is leaving the field…
My friend’s get on your feet, raise your voices in unison and put your hands together..
It’s time for kickoff…

Enjoy your picks…

THE PICKS

Thursday, September 2nd

Florida A&M at Miami
The Rattlers get rattled by a Hurricane…
Then proceed to get the living hell beaten out of them…
HURRICANES 43-14

Towson at Indiana
Don’t the folks from Towson make cookies?
Just wondering….
HOOSIERS 24-10

Shorter at Georgia State
Why are the Panthers starting the season playing a college for midgets?
I have a question: Shorter than what?
PANTHERS 33-23

Presbyterian at Wake Forest
Blue Ho’s and Demon Deacons….
Sounds like a party at Jimmy Swaggart’s house….
DEMON DEACONS 27-17

Hampton at Central Michigan
I didn’t know my favorite hotel chain had a college, who knew?
CHIPPEWAS 44-10

Norfolk State at Rutgers
I am sure my Italian friends in Atlantic City won’t be handicapping this game….
But if the Norfolk Spartans break their point spread they will be handicapped.
(But it will look like an accident)
SCARLET KNIGHTS 43-14

Marshall at Ohio State
This has the potential to be uglier than Prom Night at the school for the Blind
BUCKEYES 41-10

West Chester at Delaware
Why is Chester from “Gunsmoke” playing football?
He is almost as old as Bobby Bowden….
I just hope he doesn’t break a hip
BLUE HENS 38-17

Rockford College at Dubuque
The folks from Rockford call their team the “Regents”
What the hell is scary about that?
“RUN here come the Regents!”
I don’t get it….
DUBUQUE 24-17

Minnesota at Middle Tennessee
The O’ So Golden Gophers….
“The Other White Meat”
GOPHERS OF GOLD 31-28

Henderson State at North Alabama
They call the Henderson State athletic teams the “Reddies”
As in: “Get Ready” for the Lions to whip your ass….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Southern Miss at South Carolina
This game will be closer than you might think…
But the “real” USC’s defense will carry the day
GAMECOCKS 34-17

Northern Illinois at Iowa State
The Huskies will get blown away late in the game by a Cyclone
(Film at Eleven)
CYCLONES 28-24

Southeastern Louisiana at Tulane
I am still not sure what Tulane is referring to by calling themselves the “Green Wave”
It sounds like a Port-O-John Truck turned over on Bourbon Street…
Never Mind…
GREEN WAVE 34-10

Pittsburgh at Utah
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
So two Utes with Ukulele’s go into to see Bob Uecker, stop me if you’ve heard it
TWO UTES 28-24
EDITORS NOTE:
If Lou Holtz attempts to say the above sentence he will drown Mark May in spit

Eastern Washington at Nevada
The Eagles get plucked by the Wolfpack
(Which I heard hurts terribly)
WOLFPACK 38-10

Bentley at Carson Newman
Why name a university after a car that most people can’t afford?
That’s just stupid…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-17

North Dakota at Idaho
I will really be pulling for the Fighting Sioux in this one…
Because this university hasn’t bowed down at the altar of NCAA political correctness and continues the fight to keep their school mascot and nickname and that is reason alone to love them.
But I believe the folks from Famous potatoes will outdistance the Mighty Sioux in this one
VANDALS 33-28

Southern California at Hawaii
This will be the very “best” game on at 0330 EST Friday Morning
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Friday, September 3rd

Arizona at Toledo
The rockets will fizzle out like a pack of wet firecrackers before the first quarter…
WILDCATS 24-10

Sacred Heart at Marist
What is soooo “sacred” about their heart?
Talk about arrogant!
Doesn’t matter anyway, that Marist is a fox….
RED FOXES 33-24

Saturday, September 4th

Stony Brook at South Florida
Speaking of Stony Brook….
If you need a getaway or a vacation….
There is no finer place to escape than the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg.
It doesn’t get any better than that, anywhere and that’s no Bull.
Be sure and tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you
http://www.stonybrookchalets.com/
BULLS 38-10

Tennessee Martin at Tennessee

CORRECTION: The Tennessee Volunteers will NOT be playing against Tee Martin, who quarterbacked their team to the 1998 National Championship. “Tennessee Martin” is a school in the Tennessee University system located in west Tennessee.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding for the Volunteer fan base.
VOWELS 58-10

Samford at Florida State
This will be the first game that Coach Bobby hasn’t been on the Seminole sidelines…
Since the close of the Spanish-American War….
It’s kind of sad really….
NOLES 53-10

Miami (OH) at Florida
This is going to be uglier than Janet Reno in a bikini contest…
Sorry, I kind of threw up a little bit with that one…
MIGHTY GATORS 44-17

Chadron State at Pittsburg State
Finally a team with a mascot that is representative of their Cheerleaders!
GORILLAS 33-21

Western Michigan at Michigan State
Another “big” battle in the State of Michigan…..
And that is exactly why nobody cares….
SPARTANS 34-17

Youngstown State at Penn State
There is NO truth to the rumor that Bobby Bowden will attempt to coach the Penguins this Saturday
in an attempt to “finally” beat Jo Pa.
FEAR THE GLASSES 41-10

Eastern Illinois at Iowa
The Panthers have the same chance of winning this game…
as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a Victoria’s Secret model.
EYES OF THE HAWK 34-3

Louisiana Lafayette at Georgia
U La – La will be getting a rajin’ butt whipping between the hedges, believe it
DAWGS 34-10

Illinois at Missouri
This border clash is known as the “The Arch Rivalry”
MO knows rivalry games….
MO’S TIGERS 31-28

Appalachian State at Chattanooga
The Mighty Moc’s will keep this one close….
Right up until the opening kick-off….
MOUNTAINEERS 43-10

South Carolina State at Georgia Tech
You want to know the best thing about this game?
The stadium is close to the “Varsity” which is only the home of the World’s Best Chili Dogs
YELLOWJACKETS 44-10

Weber State at Boston College
The boys from my favorite outdoor grill college gets smoked on Chestnut Hill….
(Thought that up myself)
EAGLES 44-0

Colorado at Colorado State
I love instate rivalry games early in the season….
The Rocky Mountain Showdown for the coveted Centennial Cup
or as I like to refer to it….
The first nail in Dan Hawkins coaching coffin….
RAMS 33-31

Northwestern State at Air Force
This won’t be the first time the Air Force have bombed a group of Demons…
Nor will it be the last…
FALCONS 34-10

Kentucky at Louisville
The Battle for the Bluegrass and the winner takes home the Governor’s Cup.
Two new coach’s make their debut in one of the biggest games of the year for both teams.
In this game I believe a Joker will beat a Strong deck of Cards…
But not by much…
WILDCATS 24-21

Chowan at Citadel
What in the hell is a Chowan anyway?
Is it a dog, like half Chow half Malamute?
That doesn’t make any sense….
BULLDOGS 28-10

Connecticut at Michigan
Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” has promised to “ugly” the Wolverines to Victory this week
I am not sure what that means, but it makes me nauseous just thinking about it…
WOLVERINES 28-24

Millikin University at Illinois College
Let me be sure I have this right…
So the “Big Blue” is playing against the “Blueboys”
I would be “blue” too if I lived that far north….
BLUE 17-10

Savannah State at Georgia Southern
This is an excellent time to say…
I still miss Erk Russell…..
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Jacksonville State at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt……
That would be about now…
REBELS 34-10

North Texas at Clemson
“Mean Green” sounds like a kitchen cleanlier to me….
They could come in handy to get the blood off their uniforms after their visit to Death Valley
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Western State at Montana
These Mountaineers will most certainly be mauled by the Grizzlies…..
Believe it….
THE GRIZZ 43-10

Coastal Carolina at West Virginia
Smoldering, smoking couches in the morning smells like….
Victory!
Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 53-10

Coe College at Iowa Wesleyan
So “Coe College” is known as the Home of the Kowhawks?
O.k., now people are just making up mascots…
Then what about calling themselves “Cow-Hawks”
It’s a flying cow that is a bird of prey..
It could be very scary if your lactose intolerant and afraid of the bird flu…
Never mind..
COWBIRDS 21-17

UCLA at Kansas State
I would watch this game but…
“Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo” will be on TBS at the same time, sorry.
(It’s going to be shown with limited commercial interruption)
BRUINS 21-17

Purdue at Notre Dame
This instate rivalry game is played for the “Shillelagh Trophy”
Which sounds kind of nasty if you ask me….
FIGHTING IRISH 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: I am just thankful Virginia Tech doesn’t play for something like this, could you imagine the headlines last year? “Hokies Wang waves his Shillelagh”

Texas at Rice
My favorite pudding gets breaded in a stampede…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 43-17

New Mexico at Oregon
The “Lobo’s and the Ducks”; this sounds like a Scooby Doo episode…
QUACKERS 5-3

UC Davis at California
I had every intention of watching this game…
But I understand the Food Channel is having a documentary on “The History of Macaroni”
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 7-3

Azusa Pacific at San Diego
“Azusa” sounds like a fungus, which is gross…
But to be honest “Toreros” doesn’t sound a whole lot better….
I can hear it now..
“Jimmy don’t scratch your Toreros or they will get a Azusa on them…”
Sorry I mentioned it….
TOREROS 17-10

Western Carolina at North Carolina State
I still think a “Catamount” sounds like…
An experiment at the taxidermy academy that went horribly wrong…
WOLFPACK 27-17

Richmond at Virginia
Neither of these teams could beat Southlake Carrollton High School….
So it’s a tossup….
CAVALIERS 21-17

Syracuse at Akron
The “Oranges and Zips”….
This sounds like one of those fruity drinks with an umbrella in it…
That’s about right…
ORANGE 23-21

South Dakota at Central Florida
The Coyotes from South Dakota will be mesmerized by seeing “sunshine” for the first time and be too distracted to play the game, causing an embarrassing delay in the telecast.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-10

Sacramento State at Stanford
Unfortunately this game comes on at the same as….
the “Amish Butter Churning Championships” on ESPN 4 “The Cuatro”…..
My money is on Ishmael in this one….
CARDINAL 33-0

Wofford at Ohio
I like Coach Frank Solich and I believe this is the year of the Bobcat….
FRANKS CATS 28-17

Arkansas State at Auburn
I have a feeling the Red Wolves will be two touchdowns behind by the time they hear…
“And the home of the brave….”
WAR DAMN EAGLE 54-0

Tennessee Tech at Arkansas
These “Golden” Eagles will be extra crispy by halftime…..
HAWGS 58-10

Elon at Duke
Following this Blue Devil victory all the Duke fans plan on rushing the field and tearing down the goal posts. Unfortunately, without the use of heavy equipment that feat is almost impossible to complete with only four people.
BLUE DEVILS 10-7

Western Kentucky at Nebraska
The Hilltopper mascot looks like something Nebraska’s mascot Lil Red threw up….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 44-10

Washington State at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys could not show up for the game and still win this one…
COWBOY UP! 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: For the Cowboy Fans…
Where has the prairie wind touched you lately?

Utah State at Oklahoma
The Aggies might win this game……
Just like somebody might find Jimmy Hoffa…..
(By the way, he was in row 53, section C of the old Giants stadium…don’t ask me how I know, just take my word for it)
BOOMER SOONER 44-10

Sam Houston State at Baylor
I cannot in good conscience say anything derogatory about Sam Houston…
He was the Hero of San Jacinto….
BEARKATS 24-20

Stephen F. Austin at Texas A&M
I can’t say anything bad about Stephen F. Austin either….
South of the Red River that’s a sin….
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

San Jose State at Alabama
Welcome to Alabama….
We hope you enjoy your ass whipping
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Memphis at Mississippi State
Nothing like a game between the “Cats and Dogs” to get things started…
This one is for you Bulldog Jim…
BULLY DOGS 38-10

Army at Eastern Michigan
I wish the Black Knights of the Hudson could win this game, but they won’t….
EAGLES 24-20

North Dakota State at Kansas
Coach Turner Gill will have Jay’s Hawks ready for the Bison….
Speaking of Bison, what I wouldn’t give for a good Bison steak about now..
JAY’S HAWKS 31-17

Bowling Green at Troy
If you know anything about history…
Then you know Helen of Troy was known as a beautiful woman….
And I will tell you for a fact….
That she still is, even after all those years running that Feed store outside of Troy
MEN OF TROY 31-27

Washington at Brigham Young
No Upset Special Here…
The Huskies are just that damn good….
HUSKIES 33-31

Northwestern at Vanderbilt
The Commodores will be outmatched and out coached in this one…
Other than that they have a real chance..
WILDCATS 28-17

Oregon State at Texas Christian
The Beavers will keep this one close….real close.
And one turnover and this game goes the other way.
HORNED FROGS 24-21

Texas State at Houston
Bob’s Cats are in for a beating of biblical proportions by the Cougars
Believe it…
MIGHTY COUGARS 49-10

LSU at North Carolina
This was going to be a good game; that was until the Tar Heels “Tutor-gate”
Now this is going to be really ugly….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-10

Portland State at Arizona State
The Vikings are going to disappear in the Arizona heat faster than…
a Nutty Buddy at a Weight Watchers Meeting
SUN DEVILS 34-10

Cincinnati at Fresno State
I still believe in the Power of the BearKat…
Whatever that means…
BEARKATS 33-31

Wisconsin at UNLV
I assume….
When people in Wisconsin talk about “The Power of Cheese”
They aren’t referring to cutting it….
But then again, sometimes I assume too much…
BADGERS 28-10

Sunday, September 5th

Tulsa at East Carolina
Pirates and Hurricanes of Gold….
Isn’t this the title of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie?
PIRATES 24-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Tech
My Proud Ponies won’t have a good day in Lubbock…
All the more reason to go see the Buddy Holly museum
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 33-24

Monday, September 6th

Navy at Maryland
They call this game “The Crab Bowl Classic”
Which is in no way a reference to a toilet seat at a dilapidated truck stop on I-95.
Just so you know…
MIDSHIPMEN 24-21

Boise State at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
I didn’t stutter…..
HOKEY POKEY 28-24

Enjoy your games……
And One Last thing….

Happy Birthday to my friend “Gator” Ant this Saturday…
Enjoy your Birthday and the Gator win…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

That’s right it’s your ole buddy Hootie Snitch!

Coming to you from right here in beautiful Baneberry Tennessee!
It’s smack dab in the heart of Volunteer Country!
Go BIG Orange!

I know yawl have been a missing me and a wondering what ole Hootie has been doing!
So kick your shoes off and relax, we got some catching up to do…

First things First….
Before I go talking about my personal life…

I got something I need to talk with yawl about…

Yawl saw that beautiful “Welcome to Baneberry” sign I got on here….
And you probably noticed underneath it a sign about the Baneberry Golf Resort..

Well that is what I want to talk with yawl about…

I am having me a Golf Fundraiser to help fight Hoof and Mouth Disease
It’s a going to be Saturday October 16th (It’s the Vol’s Bye week)

I am doing this to help my Momma who contradicted the disease from a chewing her toenails from being nervous and a wondering if the folks at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum and Gift shop in Chattanooga Tennessee was going to put her on the ballot this year for the Hall of Fame.

Now here is what you need to know if you want to take part in a worthy cause
And meet the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
By the way…. Autographs and pictures are Free!!!

Yawl need to know that the Baneberry Golf Resort really ain’t a “Golf Resort”
We play Golf on the back forty of Humpy Johnsons farm and instead of them sissy golf carts
we ride four wheelers, Hell Yeah we do!

Some folks have golf clubs and other folks just bring a shotgun to see if they can hit the golf ball in the air. So bring whatever you got….
A damn good time is gonna be had by everybody!

Entry fee is twenty dollars and a 12 pack of beer, preferably Budweiser.
The beer will help keep Humpy Johnson liquored up and keeps him from shooting at us
and the twenty dollars goes to help my Momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

I will have some “surprise” celebrities there too!
See yawl there!

Now for the really “Big News”
Them rumors are true…..

I done went and got myself hitched to a local “super-model”…..
It was legal and everything…
We got hitched by an Elvis preacher up there in Gatlinburg to the sounds of “Heartbreak Hotel”
It was about the most romantic thing I ever seen…

Now for those of you that “don’t” know who she is….
The Mrs. James “Hootie” Snitch is none other than “The” Thelma Stroderback who is the famous hand model in them ads for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store.

If you have seen them ads then you have seen my gal’s hands lifting fertilizer bags, and holding a Power Take Off for a Massey Ferguson Tractor and a bunch of other pictures too.

I don’t need to tell you she is drop damn dead good looking, cause she is
And she’s got hands big as a first baseman’s glove.
But I ain’t about to show a picture of her now, no sir, not yet anyway.
And you better believe she is a BIG Tennessee VOL Fan!
Hell yeah!
That just makes us the perfect match!

Guess what else Thelma does?
Go ahead and guess?
She only wrote and sang a country song that went to “Number damn One”
as the most requested song on our Baneberry Country Station for FOUR weeks in a row!
It’s called: “You are one more lie away from me kicking your ass out of the house”

In case some you don’t follow country music; It’s a love song…

We followed up our wedding by having our honeymoon at the famous Baneberry Bed and Breakfast Inn, located just outside the city limits. I am telling you, if you come down here for the Golf Tournament you got to stay there, it ain’t nothing but first class all the way.
Here is a little picture of our “Honeymoon Cabin”….

Now I know the news of my nuptials upsets you lady readers that Ole Hootie is off the market…
And I can almost hear the wailing and crying from here…
But yawl got to understand, this is like Brad Pitt marrying Angelina what’s her name….
We is like two celebrities that was just meant to be together.…

One More piece of News…
I done went and moved “Snitch’s Bar and Grill”
From out of the previously owned double wide trailer and into town in a cinder block building!
Hell yeah I did!

That’s where we had our wedding reception and it was all in Tennessee Orange!
It even matched the outside the building!

But just so’s you know I will be making a name change to the business too
It is going to be called “Scooters” (after my Daddy)

I changed the name cause…
All them NCAA investigators that have poking around the Vols
have been a showing up at my bar looking for information because my place is called Snitch’s….
If you come down here for my Golfing Tournament to help my Momma with the Hoof and Mouth Disease
you can wet your whistle at the “new” Scooters.

Now for the Good Stuff…..

IT’S FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE!!!!!!

Now I got my own preseason guesses as to how this season is a going to go
and I am a going to give you the business right now.
So you better be ready!

The 2010 Conference Champs

The Big 10

That’s up north and I don’t know what’s big about it unless you’re talking about the women.
So I don’t care…..

The Big 12

Yawl count even worse than them folks in the Big 10 cause you ain’t got 12 teams in your conference,
so I don’t care about yawl neither.

Atlantic Coast of Conference

I drove down to the Atlantic Ocean when I went to the “Cooter Festival” down in South Carolina
It wasn’t nothing to write home about and it smelled like a paper mill.

Conference USA

I never even heard of this one, it sounds made up

The Big East

The east ain’t big…
It’s just a direction on the damn map which makes them sound plain stupid if you ask me.

The Pacific Athletic Conference of Ten

Yawl got Lame Kitten as a coach out there and he is dumber than hell for leaving the Volunteers,
so yawl is dumber than hell for taking him. That’s all I got to say about that..

Plus, Thelma and I agree that Coach Ogeron looks like a Poland China hog going off to market..