It’s that time of the year again…..
Excitement is in the air across the college football world….
Well, not so much in Ann Arbor or South Bend….

But other than there……
Alumni, students, fans and players of various universities all around the nation
are getting fired up and geared up for the 2009 Bowl Season.

We will have three different installments of the Bowl season this year.

I wouldn’t want your excitement level to peak to early.

Because with what seems like a never ending list of Bowl games
It would be easy to get lost in the shuffle……….
between the “Preparation H Hemorrhoid Medicine Bowl” and the “Purina Monkey Chow Bowl”.

That’s why I am here
To guide you through these difficult and confusing waters

Before I leave you with the first installment of the Bowl Games

I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas
Or Happy Hanukkah
Or Randy Ramadan

Or whatever it is you may be celebrating this time of year.

But as you go out in the hustle and bustle of shopping this year for the holidays
I want to leave you with a holiday safety tip

If you see a bell ringer dressed like Santa
That smells like Old Granddad and boiled baloney…
Who asks you to reach in his pants pocket for a candy cane….

Don’t do it…..
That story ends with the police arresting Santa and yourself feeling icky.
And before you ask….
No, I don’t want to talk about it…

Enjoy your Bowl Games….

Saturday December 19th

NEW MEXICO BOWL
Wyoming and Fresno State
Many of you may be wondering…
“What’s the difference between “New” Mexico and “Old” Mexico?
After all Geography isn’t taught in schools like it once was..
Let me help you out here…
The difference is rather simple..
In “New” Mexico there is cleaner water, better roads and more Mexicans.
I hope that helps
BULLDOGS 34-21

ST PETERSBURG BOWL
Rutgers and Central Florida
I don’t know about you…
But I don’t know if this game is in Russia, Florida or Heaven.
Doesn’t matter…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-17

Sunday December 20th

R&L CARRIERS BOWL
New Orleans Super Dome
Middle Tennessee State and Southern Miss
Is it just me….
Or does “R&L Carriers” sound like a virus you could catch from eating tainted meat?
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-28

Tuesday December 22nd

MACCO LAS VEGAS BOWL
Oregon State and Brigham Young
I believe in the Power of the Beaver…
Enough said…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-24

Wednesday December 23rd

SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION POINSETTIA BOWL
Utah and California
It’s a shame the name of this Bowl isn’t long enough…
But if they wanted to give this bowl a title that was appropriate for the area
They would call it….
“The Illegal Aliens Rainbow Flag waving Wild Fires Mud Slides Outrageous Taxes Traffic from Hell itself Bowl”
Yeah, that sums it up nicely.

In case you didn’t know….
We are one day away from when Santa fly’s around to
Deliver toys to all the Ute’s that were good last year.
Miss Kaye for the last time in 2009, this one is for you…
TWO UTES 38-34

Thursday December 24th

SHERATON HAWAII BOWL
Nevada and Southern Methodist
I know what you are thinking here…
The Wolf Pack has one of the most potent running attacks in the nation…
But this game is in Hawaii and that means two things.
A “Dog the Bounty Hunter Christmas Special”….
And Coach June Jones is coming back to the Big Island…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

This weekend we will have some “other” lesser known Bowl match-ups and…..
Your CFB Wizard season ending awards

So Stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

Today is Thanksgiving….
To most people that means three things….
Family, food and football….
And not necessarily in that order…

We have a cornucopia of rivalries this weekend……
Overflowing with hate and discontent…..
Ah, Good Times…

I can hardly wait to dig in, but before we do
Let’s be thankful for what we have and not grumble about what we don’t have….

For example, I am thankful last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…..
was a rather “average” 41 and 11 or 79%, leaving me at 533 and 147 or 78% for the season.
(Noticed how I weaved the weekly statistics in so inconspicuously…..)

All things considered, we all have it pretty damn good

Happy Thanksgiving to you all

Enjoy your games!

Thursday November 26th

Texas at Texas A&M
The Lone Star Showdown
I remember the cheap shots on Colt McCoy…….
and the “down horns” signs by the Aggie players a couple of years ago…..
the bad news…..
The Longhorns remember it too….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 43-17

Tuskegee at Alabama State
The “Turkey Day Classic” as it is known, has been played since 1901.
Which coincidently is the same year Coach Bobby was born….
GOLDEN TIGERS 24-21

Friday November 27th

Nevada at Boise State
This isn’t a rivalry game…..
It’s just and Old Fashioned Boise State ass whipping
BRONCOS 38-23

Illinois at Cincinnati
Some people are calling for a Fighting Pumpkin “Upset”
I don’t happen to be one of “those” people
BEARKATS 33-17

Rutgers at Louisville
After the Scarlet Knights lost last week to (of all teams…)
Syracuse…
The Jersey Campus was reported to have smelled like old pancakes and shame…
But then they realized they lived in New Jersey, which explained the smell.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 24-17

Toledo at Bowling Green
This is the Battle of I-75 for the coveted “Peace Pipe”
The trophy alone tells you this isn’t a fierce rivalry.
If it was a serious rivalry, the word “peace” wouldn’t be in the equation.
FALCONS 24-20

Pittsburg at West Virginia
The Backyard Brawl
The name says it all…..
Two neighbors battle it out on a chilly night in Morgantown
Light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Northern Illinois at Central Michigan
This game isn’t a rivalry and it isn’t a backyard brawl…
It’s about Chippewa’s riding the Huskies like midgets in a rodeo
Sorry for the visual….
That disturbed me a little bit too..
CHIPPEWA’S 34-13

Wyoming at Colorado State
This rivalry is known as “The Border War” and it is played each year for
“The Bronze Boot”….
The rams get the boot this year, but not where they thought they were going to get it..
COWBOY UP! 28-17

Temple at Ohio
The Bobcats are playing well, but the Owls are inspired…
HOOT OWLS 33-21

Buffalo at Kent State
It’s Thanksgiving for Goodness sake….
Who wants to think about the “Golden Flashes” this time of the year?
Makes you think about Grandma getting in the dinner wine and flashing the guests
NO BULL 38-10

Nebraska at Colorado
The Children of the Corn haven’t forgotten……..
About the pasting the Buffalos gave them a few years ago…..
in fact they are still down right sore about it.
That isn’t good news for Ralphie
CORNHUSKERS 31-17

Memphis at Tulsa
I would care about this game…..
But the Iron Bowl is getting ready to come on.
Sorry…
HURRICANES OF GOLDEN 24-20

Alabama at Auburn
The Iron Bowl
The name says it all….
CRIMSON TIDE 24-14

Saturday November 20th

Florida State at Florida
This is the Sunshine State Showdown
It is played for the Governors Cup
The Tallahassee paper has reported this week…
Coach Bobby is “ready” for the game….
What they “meant” to say was ….
Coach Bobby is “ready” to go to the bathroom without assistance…
Not that this story has anything to do with Thanksgiving…
But it is the season of “sharing”, so I felt obligated to share.
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17

Virginia Tech at Virginia
In Virginia nothing is as important as the “Commonwealth Cup”
Which by my estimation……
Will stay in Blacksburg until Hell freezes over.
MIGHTY HOKIES 33-17

Miami (FL) at South Florida
Unless you have seen an actual Hurricane….
Loose in your house you cannot discount their power or destruction.
In case you were wondering, “yes”…..
I am referring to the Thanksgiving when my sister-in-law visited two years ago.
The Damage is as yet to be fully assessed.
HURRICANES 33-14

Oklahoma State at Oklahoma
The Bedlam Game for the Bedlam Bell
There is nothing more important today in the Great State of Oklahoma…
Not Births, not deaths, not bar mitzvahs, not anything.
This is it….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Carson Newman at North Alabama
The quarter finals of the Division II College Football Playoffs
These teams played each other earlier in the season, with the Lions winning.
Different day, same result….
MIGHTY LIONS ROAR 34-31

Missouri at Kansas
This game is called the Border War….
It’s played for the “Indian War Drum” and the Lamar Hunt Trophy
Some still call this a “Civil War”, but make no mistake…
There is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry
MO’S TIGERS 38-14

Georgia at Georgia Tech
Sure, this game is for the “Governors Cup”
But this rivalry is known as “Clean Old Fashioned Hated”
That my friends, sums it up nicely….
YELLOW JACKETS 31-28

Clemson at South Carolina
The game is called the “Battle of the Palmetto State”
Coach Sweeny is an Alabama man….
And that’s good enough for me…
DABO’S TIGER 33-17

Grambling State at Southern University
The Bayou Classic
Have I mentioned lately that I’m a Coach Rob guy?
I have?
Good, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page
ROB’S TIGERS 38-17

Rice at Houston
The Battle for the Bayou Bucket
My favorite pudding gets whipped in H-Town…
Believe it…
COUGARS 43-14

Arizona at Arizona State
This instate rivalry is affectionately known as the “Duel in the Desert”
And it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”
Which I think resembles a bucket of sand….
WILDCATS 24-21

Tennessee at Kentucky
This game has always been known as “The Battle for the Beer Barrel”
And the keg goes to…..
WILDCAT BLUE 33-24

Boston College at Maryland
This game promises chills and thrills…
Who am I kidding nobody is going to watch this damn game…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-17

Wake Forest at Duke
Demon Deacons and Blue Devils….
Kind of sounds like Jimmy Swaggart holding his breath…..
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

North Carolina at North Carolina State
The Battle for Tobacco Road…..
The Heels have a tough defense and State has an amazing engineering department
Yeah, this one shouldn’t be too tough….
TAR OF HEELS 33-13

Texas Tech at Baylor
I doubted the power of the Red Raider’s last week…
I thank everyone in the Red Raider nation for pointing my error out….
I should have known better…
Lubbock is the Home of Buddy Holley…
Enough said, Peggy Sue
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 43-21

Washington State at Washington
This instate rivalry game is played for the “Apple Cup”
Please note…..
If your “rivalry” game has a flower, a fruit or any members of the “Village People”
In the name, then it doesn’t count as a “real” rivalry, sorry.
I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.
HUSKIES 17-10

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
The Egg Bowl….
Few rivalries outside the Iron Bowl are bitterer than this contest….
I can feel the heads of Mississippians nodding everywhere….
I wish I had better news Bulldog Jim….
REBELS 33-17

Syracuse at Connecticut
Not that I care because I don’t…….
But I have obligations too….
HUSKIES 24-21

New Mexico at Texas Christian
I can’t say that I have actually seen a horned amphibian ride a Lobo…
Not even on the Animal Planet….
But rules like records are meant to be broken…
(My personal motto….)
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Southern Miss at East Carolina
I have gotten back in good graces with my Hattiesburg faithful…
So I don’t intend on taking a step backwards at this point….
Let’s face it….
Few things in life are as good as Mississippi BBQ….
A man has to have his priorities….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

Central Florida at UAB
What the hell is a “Blazer” anyway?
Something on sale from the Men’s Warehouse?
That’s a stupid mascot….
Everybody Run! Here comes a Sport Coat!
I don’t get it…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-17

Tulane at Southern Methodist
My Proud Ponies are a “win” a way from going to a Bowl game…
They won’t disappoint me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-23

Marshall at Texas El Paso
Three simple words here….
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-24

Utah at Brigham Young
This is the “Holy War” for the “Beehive Boot”
I can’t say I have ever put my foot in a boot full of bees….
But I saw this dumbass in Michigan once…
Never mind those people from Michigan have suffered enough…
TWO UTES 33-31

Utah State at Idaho
This game is being played at the home of the Vandals….
I respect people whose mascot looks like a foam rubber Genghis Khan…
THE MIGHTY KHANS 38-17

Arkansas at LSU
The Battle for the four foot tall “Golden Boot”
The past two years it has resided in Fayetteville….
There won’t be a change of address left at the Post Office this year….
RAZORBACKS 34-24

Notre Dame at Stanford
The winner of this game wins the “Legends Trophy”
I am assuming by the title it has Knute Rockne’s skull atop the trophy…
Which is creepy…
CARDINAL 34-31

New Mexico State at San Jose State
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet has a “Thanksgiving” Special
On the dental hygiene of the platypus
Don’t laugh….
It will be a hell of a lot more entertaining than this game…
JOSE CUERVO 34-10

UCLA at Southern California
The Battle in the City of Botox Angels for the “Victory Bell”
Gosh, I would care, but I have to do my laundry, sorry….
BRUINS 33-31

Navy at Hawaii
This game reminds me….
I want to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
I love those guys…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-17

I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving….
And a great weekend of college football….

Stay tuned…
There is more to come..

RTR
MEB

Much like my University’s mascot…
I have the memory of an elephant and I hardly ever forget anything.
As you might imagine, it’s a curse and blessing.

That being said….
I remember the following quotes from some noted Sports publications and commentators
back in August of this year before the college football season began.

Sports Illustrated

“Pete Carroll and the Trojans are even better than they were a year ago…”

“The Mighty Men of Troy will once again breeze through the PAC 10 and be in the National title picture…”

“Pete Carroll is the best college football coach in the country, hands down”

Fox Sports

“The Southern California Trojans won’t miss a beat this year…..
and their defense will be even better than it has been the past several years, and that is scary…”

“Coach Pete Carroll has one of the top two college football teams in the Nation”

Lisa Horne of Fox Sports

“Like it or not, Pete Carroll and the Southern California Trojans will be in the National Title game this year….”

“Matt Barkley will lead the Trojans to the National Title game….”

“Matt Barkley “may be” the first freshman to win the Heisman trophy…”

College Football News

“The Trojans will win the PAC 10 title hands down and will be in the National Title game at the end of the season…”

“The Men of Troy’s defense is scary good and even better than it was a year ago…”

ESPN

“Nobody in the PAC 10 can touch USC; the only question is who they will face in the National title game”

“Pete Carroll has assembled his finest team since his arrival on the Trojan campus”

ESPN’s Mark May

“Pete Carroll has such a wealth of talent at every position, all he has to do is reload”

“The Southern California Trojans will face either Texas or Florida in the National Championship game….
but Pete Carroll’s Trojans will definitely be in the title game.”

“Once the Trojans defeat Ohio State, nothing will slow them down until the National Title game”

CBS Sports

“Like it or not folks, the National Title will have to go through Pete Carroll’s Trojans”

THE CFB WIZARD

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator didn’t pick the Trojans to win anything….
not the conference title or be in the national title hunt.

And the emails flowed in with that prognostication didn’t they?

Some called me a “Trojan Hater”

Other emails from California and irate Trojan Fans called me far worse names.

Now after a school known more for their SAT scores than touchdowns…
Torched the Trojans for 55 points on “Homecoming” and Coach Pete and the Men of Troy are
“Where?” in the Pac 10 Conference standings, I have to ask all you detractors….

“How do you like me now?”

But look on the bright side U$C Trojan fans….
At least Coach Pete shook the Stanford’s Coach’s hand at the end of this game…
unlike the snub he gave him two years ago when the Cardinal Beat the Trojans at home.
So I guess, that counts for something…

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH SOUNDS OF STUPIDITY

Life is funny sometimes.
Just when you think some things have changed, they remain the same.
Take the University of Tennessee for instance..
Just when you think they Volunteers have a Football Coach…
that will restore a tattered reputation away from “Thug University”
and bring discipline back to a program that couldn’t spell it during the Phil Fulmer era….
once again we find ourselves back where we started.

In the event you haven’t heard or read about the three Tennessee Football players recent arrest
let me give you the “Low Lights” of the three Orange clad prodigal sons of stupidity.

Three Tennessee football players, one a “star” recruit and wearing his “Tennessee football regalia”
attempted to rob at gun point using a pellet gun, people in a vehicle at a truck stop
in the very same town in which they live and play football.

As you might imagine, it doesn’t end there….

One player was released by the police..
after presumably rolling over on the other two
and the other two players posted their bond that was set at $19,500 dollars each.

Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton had this to say…..

“We are evaluating the circumstances surrounding the incident before we make a decision”

Tennessee Football Coach Lane Kiffin had this to say……

“We are gathering all information until we make a decision…”

EDITORS NOTE: I wrote the very lines you are about to read…
time and time again about the same lousy excuses provided by Fat Phil Fulmer
and the then alcoholic Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee for similar incidents and some far worse.

So for the benefit of Coach Lane Kiffin and Athletic Director Mike Hamilton, let me make this one simple for you, O.K?

Wait for it…..

Wait for it….

There are ALREADY is plenty of “information” available to make a “decision”, it’s all in the police report, you two dumbass’s.

I sure hope that helps.

But I have two questions for Coach Lane, Mike Hamilton and all the loyal Volunteer Fans out there.

Who paid their bail and who is paying for their attorney’s?

Because it damn sure isn’t them or their families and we all know that don’t we?

More later in the week..

So stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

Before we get into this weeks picks….
I want to thank Hootie Snitch for providing his “unique” perspective on last weeks games and answering your email questions.

But just for the record I am a lot closer to Two Buck Tim than I am Tim Buck Two…

Last week your favorite college football prognosticator was a “disappointing” 42 and 15 or 75%.
And for the season I stand at 453 and 121 or a rather lackluster 79%.

But I take solace in my prognostication powers
when I heard that ESPN college football “analyst” Todd McShay, according to the network…
was making his picks at a “furious” pace by selecting “16” games currently this season where he stands at 10 and 6.

I know what you are thinking……
“Amateur”

But before we roll into Week 11’s Picks I want to wish…….
A Happy Veterans Day to all Veterans, past, present and future.

And a Happy Marine Corps Birthday to my Marine brethren around the world
We’ve Been Keep’n it Real since 1775….

Enjoy your games!

COMMENTATORS QUOTE

Bret Musburger on Alabama Coach Nick Saban
During the game with LSU in 2007 which the Crimson Tide lost

“There is the highest paid coach in American folks;
it doesn’t look like the folks in Alabama are getting a lot for their money does it?”

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record dumbass….
I don’t think we pay Coach Nick enough, buy I think it has worked out o.k., don’t you?

Wednesday November 11th

Toledo at Central Michigan
The rockets will be reduced to a pack of firecrackers before halftime
Believe it
CHIPPEWAS 33-14

Thursday November 12th

Texas Southern at Grambling State
The Bayou Classic……
Beyond the football game, the battle of the bands is not to be missed.
I am still a Coach Rob man…
ROB’S TIGERS 31-17

Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
Another Classic Battle on I-75
The Falcons are favored, but I have a feeling….
REDSKINS 24-21

South Florida at Rutgers
I know, I know
This game is being played in “Jousey….”
But forget about it…..
NO BULL 33-28

Friday November 13th

West Virginia at Cincinnati
Save a Couch, Beat the Mountaineers
BEARKATS 31-28

Temple at Akron
The Owls are on their way to their first Bowl game since 1979…
Zippy gets Zipped…
HOOT OWLS 24-20

Saturday November 14th

Florida at South Carolina
Nobody needs to tell Coach Steve how bad a Gator bite can be….
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Furman at Georgia Southern
I can’t wait to hear Chewbacca sing the “Statesboro Blues”
I heard he does a great Greg Allman imitation
EAGLES 24-21

Texas at Baylor
The Waco Bears have really come on as of late…….
and I know I missed picking the Bears in “The Battle of the Brazos”
But the boys in burnt orange are the real McCoy
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-21

Pennsylvania at Harvard
I really don’t care and neither should you

Alabama at Mississippi State
The Bully Bulldogs are always tough…
But the Tide is coming in…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-13

Frostburg State at Salisbury
This game is a stark reminder that I wish I had a frosty beverage and a Salisbury steak.
But sometimes I wish for too much

Indiana at Penn State
I missed on Joe Pa’s Lions last week against the mighty Buckeyes….
But Joe has more than enough magnification left in his reading glasses to burn the Homers from Hoosierville
JOE’S LIONS 31-17

Columbia at Cornell
Nobody cares about this game either, and as a side note…
Both teams marching bands suck too.

Tennessee at Ole Miss
Remember my prognostication about the Volunteers not losing another game?
Yeah, I was serious…
VOWELS 34-17

Arizona at California
I would watch this game
but I heard there was fighting in Central America, and I have to watch the news, I have friends in Missouri.
I bet there fighting those damn people from Kansas.
GOLDEN BEARS 33-28

Miami (FL) at North Carolina
The Tar Heels….
Wait, what the hell is that anyway?
Is that somebody who walked across a freshly paved road bare footed?
Never mind….
ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now isn’t it?

Virginia Military Institute at Army
There are better games going on around the country when this game gets underway….
There are better teams playing this Saturday with more at stake in the college football world, while this game is being played
But you won’t find any better kids anywhere in the country than you will see right here
They are some of the very best we have in this country
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 24-14

Texas A&M at Oklahoma
If you wonder why I continue to pick the Sooners…
even with all the season ending injuries on the team, the answer to that question is easy.
It’s because they are the still the Mighty Sooners, that’s why.
BOOMER SOONERS 31-28

Virginia Tech at Maryland
Ed Wang of Virginia Tech, who also happens to be the biggest Wang in College Football, but I digress….
I wonder if Ed Wang has ever gone out and “Wang Chung Tonight”
Just curious…
HOKEY HOKEY HI! 34-17

Samford at Wofford
This pesky cough is going to kick Sam’s ass, count on it.
WOFFY 33-13

Stanford at Southern California
No Upset Special Here……
The Darlings of the Sports Media get their other eye blacked with a tree
CARDINAL 38-24

EDITORS NOTE: I know it doesn’t really fit here…..
But……
Coach Pete, you want a quacker?
That never gets old for me..

Iowa at Ohio State
The quarterback with the Black and Gold is out for at least two weeks
The Buckeyes are rolling and the game is in the Big Horseshoe
Enough said….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-17

Citadel at Chattanooga
The Bulldogs get shoed away from a win with a moccasin, believe it.
MOCCASINS 28-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma State
The Red Raiders get rode down by the Cowboys in Stillwater
You better believe it….
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Florida State at Wake Forest
A lot of people are down on Coach Bobby as of late…..
They want to say it’s because he is “too old” to be coaching
He went to high school with Noah, so yeah he is definitely “old”
But that’s not the real reason is it?
It’s because you Seminoles aren’t beating the hell out of everybody, right?
You complainers should all should be ashamed of yourselves…
SEMI-NOLES 24-21

Nebraska at Kansas
I can’t help but wonder….
Are there a lot of Huskers that shop in the “Husky” sections at department stores…..
Do any of them own Husky dogs?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
HUSKY CORNHUSKERS 23-17

Auburn at Georgia
This game is called “The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”, because it is just that.
Conventional wisdom calls for the Tigers to win this game, they are favored in the contest.
But as you all know by now….
I am neither conventional nor wise.
RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES! 34-31

Michigan at Wisconsin
Despite the fact the Wolverines are playing in Wisconsin,
There is no truth to the rumor that Coach Rod’s wife’s perfume smell’s like old cheese
That is hurtful and untrue
Her perfume smells more like the mixture of old peoples feet, wet corn flakes and a high school rest room urinal cake.
I hope that sets the record straight
BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE 31-21

Washington at Oregon State
For once I agree with Hootie Snitch…
I love me some Beavers…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-17

Troy at Arkansas
What in the Hell was Troy thinking scheduling this game?
He must be drinking again….
RAZORBACKS 43-10

Colorado at Iowa State
Thank you all for your enquiries….
But my sister-in-law will “Not” be leading the Colorado Team on the field
this Saturday as the “Guest Buffalo” for the game with the Cyclones.
She is currently filming new “Messing with Sasquatch” Beef Jerky commercials..
Before you ask, “No” she is not wearing any makeup…
And “Yes” they are using “movie magic” to cover up her antlers, sorry..
I mean “calcium deposits”
BUFFALOS 24-17

South Dakota State at Minnesota
Question for the Minnesota faithful…
Aren’t Gophers really just hamsters on steroids?
O’ So GOLDEN GOPHERS 38-23

Georgia Tech at Duke
The Devils will be Black and Blue before this one is over…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-14

Clemson at North Carolina State
This game is known as “The Textile Bowl”
The winner of the decorative towels and fuzzy bathroom mats is…
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
This classic matchup in the North is played for the highly coveted…
“Yeti in a Tube Top” trophy….
Not really I was just hoping someone would take my sister-in-law for Thanksgiving
FIGHTN’ IRISH 33-28

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get the Blues in Music City on Saturday Night
Believe it….
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 24-20

Boston College at Virginia
The Cavaliers lost to the Duke Blue Devils two weeks ago….
Enough said….
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 141-14

UCLA at Washington State
I understand Alvin and the Chipmunks will be singing the National Anthem at this game
Not the “real” Chipmunks, just some dudes or dudettes in foam rubber costumes
Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you all worked up over nothing
BRUINS 33-14

Northwestern at Illinois
Another Big Ten “rivalry” game and you know what that means..
That’s right, another game for a coveted trophy!
This annual game between these two schools is played for
“The Trombone of Cheese Whiz”
Don’t touch it, you don’t know were it’s been
FIGHTN’ PUMPKINS 28-17

Missouri at Kansas State
In any conflict between the states of Missouri and Kansas
I always side with Kansas, because I am a Jesse James man..
but any team that goes to the trouble of digging up their dead coach
and propping him up on the sidelines to inspire their team, well…
I have to respect that
WILDCATS 24-23

Arizona State at Oregon
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet is having a “Special” on Sea Monkey’s.
You know they are natures perfect creature right?
They swim in the ocean and can live in the jungle.
If you don’t believe me then why do you think they call them “Sea Monkeys”?
I think I made my point
QUACK ATTACK 33-28

Michigan State at Purdue
This Big Ten Rivalry is played each year for a magnificent trophy!
Aren’t they all?
This Big Ten game is played for the highly coveted “Bejeweled Staff of Doubt”
Frankly I doubt anybody really cares about this game..
BOILERMAKERS 31-24

Houston at Central Florida
The Golden Knights are in Orlando right?
Isn’t that were “O Town” was from?
That’s all I need to know…
COUGARS 33-21

Syracuse at Louisville
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question….
Will anyone attend a college football game between two crappy teams?
CARDINALS 17-10

Brigham Young at New Mexico
The Lobos get Low Blow’d in New Mexico…
I know that was catchy right?
Think of me as the college football version of Doctor Seuss
COUGARS 34-17

UAB at Memphis
I know what I am talking about here
I’ve been to Graceland…
Thank you, thank you very much
ELVIS’S TIGERS 24-17

Idaho at Boise State
This game is entitled….
“The Battle of Idaho” and it is played for the Governors Cup
At least this instate battle doesn’t have the word “Flower” in it
BRONCOS 34-21

Texas El Paso at Southern Methodist
The Miners of El Paso have surprised a few people this year, but they won’t surprise
THE MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Tulane at Rice
Not that this has anything to do with the game, but I have to ask
Why is Rice-a-Roni the San Francisco treat?
I always thought it was Liberace
Never mind…
HOO HOOT OWLS 21-17

Delaware at Navy
I have grown to love that Navy Goat mascot….
You have to respect a mascot that can eat a tin can, you know what I mean?
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Southern Miss at Marshall
I really like both of these teams, but they harder to predict than the weather
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-21

UNLV at Air Force
The Falcons are soaring and the Rebels are grounded….
This one is easy
FALCONS 34-10

Utah at Texas Christian
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
Two Ute’s take down the horned amphibians in Cow Town
So says my Cousin Vinny
TWO UTES 28-24

Louisiana Tech at LSU
The Bulldogs are in trouble in this instate Battle on the Bayou
Mike the Tiger is angry and hungry….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

New Mexico State at Hawaii
This game is just another reminder I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Life is so unfair sometimes
WARRIORS jumping rope over RAINBOWS 31-28

Sunday November 15th

East Carolina at Tulsa
I wonder if a “Golden Hurricane” is a drink you don’t have buy yourself
on Bourbon Street?
Makes you wonder doesn’t it?
CAROLINA PIRATES 23-21

Enjoy your weekend and your games

Stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

For the long time devoted readers of this column as well as for those of you that surf through or take a glance at the picks once a week, I want to thank you for your passion and devotion to college football and your respective teams.

I encourage debate, disagreement and on an occasion open hostility.
I enjoy the fire, fury and passion and all the pageantry that surrounds college football.

This column began once upon a time as a single page of “Picks” of college football games on a Microsoft word document with my “commentary” associated with each game forwarded around an office on an Air Force base in “Baja” Alabama.

I hope some of you will remember those days and smile.
I really appreciate all those guys and gals that encouraged me and kept this going.

This little college football column has survived moves, terrorism and war zones.

It has since grown to a website that is read by more than a few people from coast to coast and follows our military boys and girls and contractors wherever they may roam.

I get a great deal of satisfaction and joy knowing that so many people enjoy the College Football Wizard and my irreverent humor. And I hope on the rarest of occasions, you learn something that perhaps you didn’t know about the sport we love so much.

Many of you have been kind enough to convey those very thoughts and I greatly appreciate it, more than you might know.
But, this isn’t about fishing for compliments.

I am not nor have I ever been a journalist major in school.
I was never that intelligent as my articles clearly demonstrate.
I recognize I often write as though English were my “second” language behind my Southern euphemisms.
I won’t apologize for that.

So in my haste to get an article on the wire, there will be the occasional misspelled word or unstructured sentence.
I am sorry if that upsets anyone’s sensibilities.

In case you are just joining us…

I detest the Politically Correct crowd and the Nazis at the NCAA and all their bullying ways. I believe those that preach tolerance are traditionally the most intolerant people on the planet. I will not miss an opportunity to poke them in the eyes over their absurd actions and discrimination towards my beloved South.
I won’t apologize for that either.

I will continue to point out the bias of the NCAA and the National Sports media when it comes to the reporting and prosecution of such schools as the University of Southern California.
If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I know the Southeastern Conference and the Big 12 and to a lesser degree the Big Ten rule the College Football landscape, no matter what the television talking heads would have you believe.
It’s how it is….

I like tradition, not change for the sake of change or because somebody claims to have their feelings hurt.
If you live long enough, you are going to have your feelings stomped on like a winepress time and time again. It’s just the way it is….

I say all of that to simply say this…
If you are member of the “We know how to fix you poor dumb Southerners” crowd, don’t bother reading my articles or sending me emails or suggestions.
Because despite the fact I am a proud Southerner, I am neither poor nor dumb.
We may speak slowly, but we don’t think slowly.
Nor when the mood strikes us do we move slowly.

If it makes you feel superior to point out my inconsistencies in grammar, well good for you.
At least I still write better than Hootie Snitch.

If you want to call me a racist or a bigot, well that’s fine too.
We Southerners have endured far worse.

I write this column because it’s a labor of love for me.
I don’t do this for fame or money..
Although I am up for the prestigious Collard Greens Award again this year.
I write this for you…
Because you derive joy from it or something close to it and get the occasional laugh.

I will continue to be the College Football Wizard for as long as I am able and you all still enjoy it.

Not sure why I decided to share this with you all.
Maybe it’s because I am particularly stung by the personal attacks I received this past week.
Maybe it’s this kangaroo flu I am fighting.
I know it’s the kangaroo flu and not the bird or swine version..
because I have to hop to the bathroom to keep from pooping in my fur.

And lastly, I appreciate your encouragement, comments and rants. Keep them coming.

Your Picks will be out tomorrow.

RTR
MEB

We have a lot of ground to cover, so let’s get too it.

Enjoy!

TEAM NEWS

OLE MISS: Some times you feel like a Nutt….
And sometimes the Rebels get their ass whipped..

CLEMSON: You Waz Robbed….

CONNECTICUT: I failed to mention that this past week’s game with Rhode Island..
Was played for the coveted “Ramnapping Trophy”
I offer my sincerest apologizes for not mentioning this magnificent award.
However, I wasn’t aware anyone actually played a football game….
For the right to win a trophy that resembles a Baboon’s ass.
Yankees are so weird…

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the visual…

PENN STATE: Damn It Joe Pa….

IDAHO: I feel the need to make a correction over last weeks picks.
Mr. Potato Head was not, I repeat not “running around” with Susie Squash.
It was that skanky Zelda Zucchini
Sorry for the confusion…

OKLAHOMA STATE: A side note about Cowboy Country…
If you are ever in Tishomingo Oklahoma you have go by Fish Tails…
They have the finest fried catfish north of the Red River….
The only thing that isn’t fried there is the delicious Cole slaw…
Tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you
and you are liable to get a good fish story

ALABAMA: Congratulations to my ole buddy Woodrow Lowe f
he has been elected into the College Football Hall of Fame and was honored at halftime of the Razorback –Crimson Tide game.
As a linebacker Woodrow had few equals in College Football…
He would hit you so hard that when you woke up your clothes were out of style.

VERN LUNDQUIST (CBS): You want to know how you can tell if Vern is going to say something stupid?
His lips start moving…

HOUSTON: Congratulations to the Mighty Cougars…
They now lead Conference USA and the Big 12 with the most wins in both conferences…

NOTRE DAME – PURDUE GAME: I also failed to mention that this contest
Is played annually for the coveted Shillelagh Trophy.
As in…
“Get your hands off my Shillelagh Trophy!”
Sorry, that sounded nasty.

MIAMI HURRICANES: Didn’t I tell you all that you were going to get Wang’d?

SOUTH FLORIDA: You guys are really good and that’s no Bull.

FLORIDA STATE: Bet you all wish….
You would have recruited that “little” quarterback from Tallahassee now, don’t you?

EDITORS NOTE: Before any of the Seminole Faithful write me this week about it…
Congratulations on “maybe” being the Fourth or Fifth Best College Football Team in the entire State of Florida! I know that was a lofty goal to shoot for….
So Congratulations!

MICHIGAN: Two words for the Wolverine Faithful after last weeks game: “Home Cooking”

EDITORS NOTE: And I thought only Notre Dame got “Hometown Referees”

COACH BOBBY BOWDEN: Due in large part…
To the recent Seminole set back at the hands of the South Florida Bulls
The FOX Network has placed a hold on the pilot episode of the new fall program entitled “The Bowden Boy’s”
As you may already know this program will show Coach Bobby and his sons on a number of “adventures” in a “reality” show format.
I know the Seminole faithful were anxiously awaiting the pilot episode which showed Coach Bobby and his son’s on a camping trip that took place this past spring.
After all who doesn’t want to hear Coach Bobby say
“Get your hands off my wiener”

OREGON: As I look Back, I guess the Quacks aren’t all that Whack

OHIO STATE: If you want to know why I still consider the Buckeyes undefeated
I present a picture of the Trojan 4th down play at the Ohio State goal line…..
That my friends, is NOT a touchdown….

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know how……
The Buckeyes got “Michigan” referees, but I would do a background check on them next time.
I’m just saying.

CALIFORNIA: Say it with me…..
O-V-E-R-A-T-E-D!

WASHINGTON: Bad Dogs

NORTHERN ILLINOIS: Please see “Washington” above..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dearest Michael,
First let me say that I appreciate that you are named after my favorite angel
However, Thy must postpone all thy activities until thou has helped me solve a problem of biblical proportions. Recently I had a new arrival to mine lofty quarters.
I asked this rather pious individual if thou deserved to be here.
This putrid gnat replied that he did not have to answer to me…
Nor any laws and commandments during his lifetime other than his own.
He also continued by saying that if I had any further inquiries or needed information from me that I should refer to his website for an official transcript, but, that, however, I couldn’t download anything.
I am considering..
Therefore by mine own glorious and powerful hand, that I will answer thine prayer, mine own humble servant.
However, mine question is, should this Myles Brandt heathen, be sent packing to join St Lucifer at the fiery gates of hell or should he be put in the current purgatory which is known as U$C Football to have endless conversations with that spawn of Satan, Pete Carroll?
I await your reply.

Respectfully
Saint Peter
A Huuuuuuuuuuuuge SEC fan

A: Your call Pete and while we are on the topic…
Thank the Big Guy again for the Iron Bowl win and getting me out of that little scrape in Fallujah this year.
Now about that promise I made….
You knew I wasn’t serious about becoming a Priest, right?
Cause I got this “thing” about women…

Q: Mike I have a problem that I hope you can help me with.
My shift has changed at the plant and the Bosses are telling me I have to work every College Football Saturday’s until January.
I will miss the entire damn season, do you have any suggestions?
Thanks!
Troy – Birmingham, Alabama

A: Four words Troy: TiVo, DVR Roll Tide

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
We cannot believe you picked our Hokies over the Hurricanes and it happened!
That game ROCKED!
How did you do it?
We were studying how geniuses are tortured souls or something like that.
Are you some kind of tortured genius or something?
The Ladies of Tri Delta – Blacksburg, Virginia

A: All of the above

Q: Dear Sir, I have but one question for you.
Why do you hate the University of Southern California so much?
Thank you
Shelia – Los Angeles, California

A: What’s not to hate Shelia?

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I enjoy how you are always saying there are “No Palm Trees in Miami, Ohio”
But just for the record
Miami of Ohio was a University before Florida was a state.
And in case you forgot and we hope you haven’t…
Miami of Ohio is the cradle of football coaches…
Dan – Miami of Ohio

A:No disrespect intended Dan; I know the fine history of Miami of Ohio quite well.
I also know the great Webb Eubank used to live in town…
I just wish you all were still called the “Redskins” instead of the Red Hawks; I think that’s stupid.

Q: Listen Mister Wizard or whatever you call yourself.
Coach Phil Fulmer is Not some kind of Krispy Kreme addict!
Making fun of him in that way is hurtful!
What makes you think he is a Krispy Kreme addict anyway?
Let’s Go Clogging Dance Club – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Have any of you seen the lapel pin he wears on his jacket?
He is either a supporter of Krispy Kreme or he is one “K” short of another kind of club.

Q: Mike, what the Hell is wrong with the Duke Blue Devil football team?
We have some new cool looking uniforms and helmets and we even reconfigured our end zones, they look awesome! So what’s the real deal?
Daniel – Durham, North Carolina

A: You can paint wings on a rock Daniel, but it’s still just a rock.

Q: Mike how does the NCAA go about finding a successor for Myles Brand as President? Thanks, we enjoy your column here.
Tim – Helena, Arkansas

A: Thank you Tim, I appreciate those kind words.
The process for selecting a successor is quite complicated as outlined by Myles Brand himself.
It involves a human sacrifice and then an appearance by the Prince of Darkness.
Who in case you were wondering is a huge U$C Trojan fan…

Q: Mike, you haven’t seemed yourself lately, are you alright?
Faye – Liberty, Texas

A: Thank you for asking Faye, I had a touch of Disco Fever that developed into a mild case of Boogie Woogie Flu, but fortunately it won’t move into rocking pneumonia.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
We’re raisin’ money down here in South Georgia for our own very Joe Cox statue here in beautiful Ludowici. Have you ever heard of them fishin roundups at those boat and fishin pole shows?
Yeah, they have those.
They fill up a big ole fish tank with water and put in a bunch of fish and let people fish.
Well whoever catches the winning fish gets a prize.
What we decided to do was just take’r on up a notch.
I got this little ole john boat and put it in my above ground pool.
Then we went out and caught us a mess of bass and bream and stocked that pool up
and stapled a plastic tag on one of ems back that says “Bullddawg Winner!!” and whoever gets that fish gets the john boat, a six pack of beer, and
a dozen packs of Oscar Meyer wieners for a cookout!!!
We’re gonna take the rest of the money and collect it to build us a Joe Cox statue
cause he’s the best quarterback in the whole United States!!
Could you put a little something on your website?
I know lots and lots of Georgia football faithful are football and fishin fanatics and I thought this would be a great place to advertise!!
Plus, I kinda felt guilty about me and the rest of the Bulldawg faithful and that Junyard Blawger from the AJC raking him over the coals a couple of weeks ago after we got spanked by them O K State boys.
Thanks Mr. WIZ
Lenny in Ludowici, Georgia

A: Lenny let me guess…
You’re into the “homemade” liquor now aren’t you?

Your College Football Week 5 Picks will be out on Thursday…
So stay tuned folks..

RTR
MEB

Much like Richard Petty…..
It’s good to be the King….

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator……
Finished Week One at 63 and 7 or a rather remarkable 90%…..
Not to mention…
Hitting the “Upset Special” and the exact score of the game…

However, even with this wonderful statistic..
I was roundly criticized in an email last week that said my writing style “wasn’t sophisticated enough…..”
The email went on to state that my website “should be more artsy”……

Me not sophisticated enough?

So with that in mind and in an effort to add some “sophistication” to my website….
I am going do a portion of the Week Two College Football Picks..
Through “Interpretive Dance”
Let me get loosened up before we get started, I don’t want to pull a hamstring…

THE GAMES

Thursday September 10th

Clemson at Georgia Tech
I wish I had better news for my Tiger faithful…
But I am serious about going on strike…
If I have to endure another season without tailgating with my adopted Clemson Family.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Campbellsville at Carson Newman
Do you know what the mascot from Campbellsville is called?
“Gaylord the Camel”…..
Enough said…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-10

Slippery Rock at Kutztown
I wonder if Kutztown is close to Funky Town?
GOLDEN BEARS 24-20

Friday September 11th

Colorado at Toledo
When I read the Buffalos would be playing the Rockets…
I thought….
Wouldn’t it be great if I could put my sister-in-law on a rocket to Mars
I know…
Sometimes I wish for too much.
BUFFALOS 24-20

Worchester Tech at Worchester State
This Worchester Sauce rivalry has gotten out of hand…
I would pick this game, but I am a Tabasco man…
Sorry..

Saturday September 12th

Idaho State at Oklahoma
I couldn’t help but notice…
My River Dance closely resembles the Sooners running game this coming weekend
SOONERS 38-0

Syracuse at Penn State
I just hit by toe on the damn coffee table…
I need ice and some Tylenol…..
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

North Carolina at Connecticut
Don’t worry..
I can do the “Hula” with ice on my foot….
But it makes me wonder….
Did they call Don Ho’s wife, “Mrs. Ho”?
That’s just wrong…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Eastern Michigan at Northwestern
Before you ask….
“No” I am not wearing a grass skirt and a coconut bra…
WILDCATS 33-17

Richmond at Delaware
My Labrador Retriever “Doc”…
Must have thought I wanted to play while I was performing the “Hula”.
When I wasn’t paying attention he jumped up and hit me square in the Jimmy..
I have to set down for a minute…
BLUE HENS 28-24

Western Michigan at Indiana
Hoosier Bronco?
Sounds like the standard greeting at a Village People reunion Concert
HOOSIERS 24-20

Central Michigan at Michigan State
I need to limp into the kitchen and get another bag of ice…
Doc really nailed me
SPARTANS 38-10

Stanford at Wake Forest
Doc must have used both his front feet….
Because just for a second I thought I was going to pass out…

Wait, I need to concentrate on this game
Lets see…
We have the California “Tree” and that other mascot….
That looks like Jimmy Swaggart after a weekend bender
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

Fresno State at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Pasteurized Velveeta
BADGERS 31-24

Duke at Army
One of the First signs of the coming Apocalypse?
The Black Knights of the Hudson win two games in a row…
BLACK KNIGHTS 33-14

Albion at Thiel College
“Tonic” has his own college?
He must have more money squirreled away than Ernest Tubb
But I have to ask….
Why is he playing against one of Prince’s former backup singers?
TONICS 24-17

EDITORS NOTE: The above was intended as an inside joke…
If you didn’t get it, don’t worry about it.

Pittsburgh at Buffalo
I wonder….
Is Pittsburg playing the City, the College or the Animal?
They need to be more specific..
PANTHERS 38-10

Iowa at Iowa State
This battle for instate supremacy is played for the coveted Cy-Hawk Trophy
Not really sure what that is…
But I am betting it’s not as valuable as the Floyd of Rosedale…
I just found out the Floyd of Rosedale is a Trophy of a Bronze Pig ..
How cool is that?
HAWKEYES 24-23

Troy at Florida
This is going to get uglier than my sister-in-law’s Prom Night
Minus the midnight blue eye shadow…
MIGHTY GATORS 54-10

Marshall at Virginia Tech
This is an excellent opportunity for me to perform….
The “Hokie Pokey….:”
Wait? Is it “put my left foot in” or the other way around?
Now I am confused…
I hope I don’t pull something..
HOKIES 38-10

Arkansas State at Nebraska
I knew I shouldn’t have attempted the “Electric Slide”….
After my wife just waxed the kitchen floor
I can’t believe I broke the coffee pot….
CORNHUSKERS 43-13

Kent State at Boston College
The folks from Kent State are known as the “Golden Flashes”
What are they referring too?
A bunch of old People flashing traffic in front of the Rest Home?
Sorry for the visual…
CHESNUTT HILL EAGLES 41-7

Gallaudet at Hiram
I knew and old man named Hiram when I was a little boy…
He was the toughest man I ever knew…
This fancy pants Frenchman wouldn’t stand a chance against him..
HIRAM SISK 43-24

Texas at Wyoming
Longhorns stampede Cowboys….
Film at Eleven…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 45-16

Houston at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys had better be careful…
The Cougars are for real….
COWBOY UP! 33-28

Texas Christian at Virginia
If the Cavaliers couldn’t beat a liquored up Bill and Mary
Then they sure can’t take a Horned Frog down…
It’s a rule…
HORNED FROGS 28-17

Susquehanna at Juniata
There is nothing quite like watching two Mexican girls fight…
While I perform the Macarena.
JUNIATA 17-10

Brigham Young at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a chartreuse trickle before this one is over..
COUGARS 33-13

Notre Dame at Michigan
In honor of this game…
I will now perform the Polka…

But to be perfectly honest…
I would rather be water boarded than listen to polka music..
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Howard at Rutgers
Howard? Howard Sprague from the Andy Griffith Show?
Doesn’t really matter here….
Because Barney Fife is still the man…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 38-0

Idaho at Washington
Keeping with the theme of “Idaho”…
I will now perform the “Mash Potato”…
MIGHTY HUSKIES 31-24

East Carolina at West Virginia
I love the smell of burned couches smoldering in the morning air…
It smells like…
Victory…
MOUNTAINEERS 34-24

Louisiana Tech at Navy
I won’t doubt the Midshipmen again…
At least not this week…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-24

South Arkansas at Valdosta State
Now this is a shame…
The Folks from “Football Country” in Valdosta Georgia…
Used to be known as the “Rebels”
But since that is deemed as “racist” by a bunch of Yankees
They are now known as the “Blazers”…
What is so scary about a nice sport coat?
Who sponsors them, The Men’s Wearhouse?
MEN’S WEARHOUSE 31-28

Southern Methodist at UAB
My Poor Ponies will be outmatched in this one…
That’s all I have to say about that…
BLAZERS 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Why are these “Blazers” mascot a Dragon?
Is it a well dressed Dragon? A Dragon wearing a sport coat?
It doesn’t make sense to me…
Never mind…

UCLA at Tennessee
It seemed at first glance…
That performing a Tennessee version of a “Ho-Down” would be most appropriate for this game.
But that term has an entirely different meaning in OBKnoxville….
When a person says “Ho-Down” in OBKnoxville..
It is usually followed by someone yelling, “And call the Po-lice!”
VOWELS 33-24

Georgia Southern at South Dakota State
As far as I am concerned….
When it comes to Statesboro…
Coach Russell is still the man, the myth and the Legend.
EAGLES 24-21

Weber State at Colorado State
Have I mentioned lately…
That the folks from Weber make a wonderful little grill perfect for tailgating?
RAMS 31-14

Eastern Washington at California
Since the State of California has become “Mexico North”, I will now perform…
The Flamingo…
What’s with holding your hand in the air while you snap your fingers?
I don’t get it..
GOLDEN BEARS 44-10

Jacksonville State at Florida State
I almost lost my fingers in the damn ceiling fan…
I need to get some more ice and take some more Tylenol
SEMINOLES 34-0

James Madison at Maryland
I am not to sure about Jim….
But I know his lovely wife Dolly makes some wonderful donuts
Not that it matters here
FIGHTING TURTLES 31-17

La Grange at Shorter College
I KNEW there was a college for midgets!
HAW HAW HAW 24-14

EDITORS NOTE: In case you didn’t know..
The above Pick was in reference to my favorite ZZ Top song…

Murray State at North Carolina State
My Tennessee Vol “Salute” finger is so swollen it looks like a hotdog…
Glad I didn’t lose it…
WOLFPACK 23-17

Florida International at Alabama
The Folks from Florida should know all about High Tides by now…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-0

Vanderbilt at LSU
The Commodores haven’t beaten the Tigers in LSU since 1951..
That streak continues Saturday Night…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

South Carolina at Georgia
This game is going to bloodier than Prom night at the Butcher School
DAWGS 20-17

North Alabama at Henderson State
The Boys from Florence get it done again this week…
LIONS 33-10

Mississippi State at Auburn
Get the toilet paper out Tiger fans….
And head on down to Toomer’s Corner…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 28-17

Air Force at Minnesota
I always thought “Salsa” was just a tasty dip with tortilla chips..
And “Doing the Salsa”..
Meant somebody had to run down to Piggly Wiggly to get more dip at halftime.
Who knew it was actually a dance?
FALCONS 28-24

Bowling Green at Missouri
Despite the fact “Curley” is my favorite of the Three Stooges..
I still have go with MO in this one..
MO’S TIGERS 33-13

Hawaii at Washington State
I was going to watch this game….
But, the North American Pineapple Skinning Championships are on ESPN U…
I can’t miss it…
Sorry…
WARRIORS skipping over RAINBOWS 6-3

Illinois State at Illinois
“Run here come the Sycamore Trees!”
Sorry, I still don’t get it…
FIGHTN’ PUMPKINS 31-10

Central Florida at Southern Miss
On paper this is going to be a really close game…
But they don’t play football games on paper.
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-23

Rice at Texas Tech
I would never disappoint my Red Raider faithful
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 34-17

Kansas at Texas El Paso UTEP
I figured out what “Salsa” means in Spanish…
It means…
“If you aren’t careful, you will pull a muscle in your hip”
JAYHAWKS 23-21

South Florida at Western Kentucky
I really didn’t think this whole “Interpretive Dance” idea through..
Or I would have bought more ice..
NO BULL 31-17

Southern California at Ohio State
Maybe I have injured myself too much today with my interpretive dance..
Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking…
It could just be my deep hatred of everything Southern California
Either way…
I am a believer
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Miami (Ohio) at Boise State
Remember you heard it here first…
The Broncos will finish the season undefeated…
BRONCOS 34-10

Tulsa at New Mexico
My hand is so swollen from catching it in the ceiling fan that I am typing with my elbow.
Not the one I hit with the coffee pot, the other elbow.
But setting on this ice pack makes me appreciate how polar bears must feel.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 33-28

Northern Arizona at Arizona
I was going to do this ballet thing….
But I think I broke my toe on the coffee table earlier doing the damn River Dance
Sorry..
WILDCATS 6-3

Purdue at Oregon
I was trying to think of something positive to say about the Quackers
But the Tylenol is starting to kick in…
BOILERMAKERS 23-17

Utah at San Jose State
I have a semi-unrelated Philosophical question for you…
If San Jose is everybody’s Home Coming Game…
Then who do they play at Home Coming?
Makes you wonder. Doesn’t it?
TWO UTES 34-10

Oregon State at UNLV
Next time I want to do the picks through “Interpretive Dance”
I think I will just have somebody beat me with a fungo bat for an hour.
It won’t hurt nearly as bad…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

After I return from the Emergency Room…..
I will have a special update for you tomorrow…
So stay tuned….

Enjoy your games…

RTR
MEB

Welcome Back to Part II of Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza!

We have a lot to discuss with this week’s Email Questions and Answers and the all important Pronostications of the Conference Championships.

So let’s get to it.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hey There! I like to read your column and me and my wife was wondering with all your popularity if you was looking for anybody to advertise on your site?
The reason I ask, is because my wife (Blossem) and I have come up with a dandy idea!
Everybody is trying to eat healthy now a days, am I right?
People want to eat stuff that is “all natural”.

So what could be more natural and healthy than Possum Milk and Possum Cheese?

If you is interested in having Blossem’s Possum Milk or Blossem’s Possum Cheese as a sponsor, just let us know.

It’s good and good for you (That’s what we a going to put on the package)

Bobcat and Blossem – Winchester, Tennessee

A: You two are Tennessee Volunteer Fans, right?
Now, it all makes sense….

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can help me with. I am a Kansas Jayhawk Fan (Go Jayhawks!) and we had several players leave the football team last year, but yet never heard if they graduated or were drafted by the NFL. Do you know what happened to the players that left the Jayhawks last year?
Thanks!
Chuck – Lawrence, Kansas

A: I know exactly what happened to the players from last years Jayhawks Team.
Coach Mangino ate them….sorry.

Q: Hello! I am 98 years young and I have been raising parrots for the past 14 years and breed them, nurture them and feed them worms. They keep me company and perform fancy tricks on tiny trampolines and chirp catchy, feel-good tunes all the day long. For Halloween last year I dressed them up as the characters of the TV show “the A-Team”. Tooty got to be Mr. T, he looked just like him. I just wish I could have gotten him to say, “I pity the Fool!”
I almost forgot what I was going to ask you!
How do you think the Seminoles are going to do this year? I wonder if Tooty could play Quarterback?

Bobby B. – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Coach, I think it’s about time for your nap.

Q: Listen Dung Breath, NO jokes this year about your sister-in-law! She does not have Horns! Those are calcium deposits! Also NOBODY wants to hear or read about her excessive body hair, the hump on her back or that one foot that looks like a hoof! I am sure that she has a wonderful personality and is very popular!
Anonymous – Pikeville, Kentucky

A: Did you like the Dehorning Paste I sent you for your Birthday?
No need to Thank me…

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS PART II

Due to time constraints I was unable to finish the “Pretenders” and “Contenders” section of the 2008 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza yesterday.

Enjoy….

PRETENDERS PART II

DUKE: The Blue Devils are to football what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

TEMPLE: See above and substitute “Owls” for Blue Devils.

KANSAS: I have good news and some bad news.
The Good News is that Coach Mark Mangino has beaten anorexia! Yes!
The bad news is that by the end of the year the Jayhawks will only be in contention for a bid to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Conway Arkansas. I would look at this as a “win”-”win”.

UTAH: I cannot in good conscience pull for any team that considers “Milk” an acceptable Tailgate Beverage.

OREGON: You have the most butt ugly uniforms of any sport at anytime in any country.
Your mascot looks like a gay Mr. Peanut…..
Your marching band uniforms looked like they were designed by a colored blind cyclops…
You refer to your offense as the “Quack Attack”….
And you wonder why I make fun of you?

WASHINGTON: I really wish the Mighty Huskies would return to Championship form…
Because I still miss Coach James.

CALIFORNIA (anything): How can I put this gently?
You suck. How’s that?

CONTENDERS PART II

ARIZONA STATE: The Sun Devils WILL compete for the PAC 10 title…Believe it.

WISCONSIN: Never underestimate the power of Cheese.
The game with the Mighty Buckeyes in Madison on October 4th will decide the conference title.

MIAMI: The Hurricanes will not contend for the Conference Championship this year, but they might ruin the Hokies chances when they meet on November 13th.

PENN STATE: Jo Pa will not win the Big Eleven…I mean “Ten” Title this year, but he will most certainly be a contender.

OREGON STATE: Coach Riley is a Bama Boy and that’s good enough for me.

ALABAMA: Because I said so….

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

THE BIG TEN…I mean ELEVEN

Despite the fact The Ohio State Buckeyes have Southern California, Wisconsin and Michigan State on the road this season, I believe this is a team on a mission.

The Ohio State Buckeyes WILL be Conference Champions this year.

THE BIG 12

The Missouri Tigers lead by Chase Daniels will most certainly win the Big 12 North, but don’t count out the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Coach Bo will have the Black Shirts ready to play. Believe it.

The Oklahoma Sooners “should” win the Big 12 South….
But Do Not underestimate the Red Raiders of Texas Tech.
They have one of the best quarterbacks in the nation that you never heard of in Graham Harrell.
Fortunately the Sooners have the Red Raiders in Norman this year on November 22nd.

But one slip by the Mighty Sooners…..

My Pick?

The Big 12 Champion will be the Oklahoma Sooners…

THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

The Clemson Tigers have some of the very best fans in the country that wrote the book on tailgating (Trust me on this one) and a favorable schedule to make a run for the title.

But they will have to play back to back road games at Boston College (November 1st) and at Florida State (November 8th). One late season banana peel and they will find themselves trailing the pack.

My Pick?

The Tigers WILL win the Atlantic Division…..

The Virginia Tech Hokies “should” win the Coastal Division of the Conference, but will not have enough horsepower to overcome the Mighty Tigers of Clemson.

Clemson Tigers 2008 ACC Conference Champions. Believe it.

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

WARNING: If you are prone to fits of anger or have a weak heart do not read any further.

The Georgia Bulldogs will NOT win the Southeastern Conference title or the Eastern Division.

As much as it pains me to say this. The Dawgs are undisciplined.

And to make matters worse….

The Dawgs have THE toughest schedule in the nation.
AT South Carolina
AT Arizona State
Alabama
Tennessee
AT LSU
Florida at Jacksonville
AT Auburn

The Mighty Florida Gators WILL win the Eastern Division of the Conference.
Why?
Two words for you…Tim Tebow.
Enough said.

The Team that will represent the Western Division of the Conference in Atlanta will be decided when LSU travels to Auburn on September 20th.

My Pick?
The Auburn Tigers

Florida Gators and Auburn Tigers in Atlanta for the Conference Championship.

The 2008 Southeastern Conference Champions will be the Florida Gators

CONFERENCE USA

Look for the Golden Eagles of Southern Miss to win the Eastern Division of the Conference with the Thundering Herd of Marshall hot on their heels.

The Western Division will be decided when the Houston Cougars and the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes meet in Texas on November 15th.

My Pick?
The Houston Cougars will win the Division and the Conference Title.

EDITORS NOTE: I still think the name “Golden Hurricanes” sounds dirty.

THE BIG EAST

This one will be easy….

Light those Couches!

The West Virginia Mountaineers will win it all in the Big East.

PAC 10

I really don’t care and neither should you, but if I have to pick a team….

The Arizona State Sun Devils will win the PAC 10 Conference Tilte this year.

EDITORS NOTE: You can’t stop a man from dreaming…..

The MAC, YAC, Paddy WAC Give my dog a bone Conferences…..to include “Independents”.

Does it really matter?

No it doesn’t.

Only 18 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted….soon.

RTR
MEB