I write this article with mixed emotions but probably not for the reasons that some of you and the national card carrying character assassins would believe.

Joseph Vincent Paterno, the Great “Coach Joe Pa” to you and I and the winningest coach in Division I football history passed away Sunday morning of a broken heart at the age of 85.

I don’t have enough room in this column to write what a fine outstanding person Coach Joe Pa was or what a great coach and mentor he was to young student athletes. I certainly don’t have a command of the English language to capture what he means to Penn State and the Mighty Nittany Lions Football Nation.

But I know he was a Giant in the world of College Football….

A Legend walking amongst us mere mortals…..

Joe Pa will always be The Lion King

I didn’t know Coach Joe Pa although he shook my hand on January 1st 1979 when Alabama defeated Penn State for the National Championship and along with the handshake he said “good game son” and I didn’t have anything more to do with the outcome of that game than any other bench warmer, but Joe Pa shook every Alabama players hand that evening, because he is a man that was “class” personified and….

Integrity – Sportsmanship – Honor – Loyalty……

And he still is that man, even in death.

Certainly that’s not what the hosts of national character assassins want you to believe about Joe Pa.

But then again those are some of the same people that believe you folks at home are incapable of thinking for yourselves, you know like sheep.

You know who I am talking about right?

The same people that tell you President Obama can’t do anything wrong and President Bush couldn’t do anything right.

The same people that want you to believe that every white person in the South is a racist but Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton aren’t.

The same people that enjoy ridiculing Tim Tebow’s Christian faith but wouldn’t dare say anything about Muslim men’s love of little boys and little girls because that would be “insensitive” to their culture.

The same people that don’t want prayer before a high school football game or a nativity scene on public property because “it promotes religion” but whole heartedly support a radical Muslim mosque in New York City at 9/11 ground zero.

Have I made my point or do you need any more examples?

Here are a few examples of what the character assassins had to say about Joe Pa….

Mark Bradley Atlanta Journal Constitution……

“In the 2 1/2 months between Jerry Sandusky’s indictment and his employer’s death, we’ve had the chance to review our feelings toward Paterno. Was he enabler or scapegoat? Was he a villain for not speaking up louder and sooner, or was he a victim for being shunted aside in the wake of a media storm unprecedented in American sports? Was he a good guy who’d done a bad thing, or was the thing he did — or, in this case, didn’t do — so bad that all claims to goodness were forfeit?”

Stewart Mandel Sports illustrated

“This is a truly and indisputably sad day, but that sadness is now part of a complicated array of emotions…..”

Paul Finebaum also known as the Jerry Springer of “sports”

“Joe Paterno, the longtime Penn State coach who won more games than anyone in major college football but was fired amid a child sex abuse scandal that scarred his reputation for winning with integrity, died Sunday of lung cancer. He was 85.”

EDITORS NOTE: Yeah this is same guy that said 20 years after Coach Bryant’s death….

“Coach Bryant didn’t do enough to help segregation in the South”…

EDITORS NOTE: I would listen to a trailer trash meth head before I would take the time to listen this dumbass on any subject much less anything to do with college football.

Then of course my “very” favorite article hot off the press from CNN….

LZ Granderson, who writes a weekly column for CNN.com, was named journalist of the year by the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association and a 2011 Online Journalism Award finalist for commentary. He is a senior writer and columnist for ESPN the Magazine and ESPN.com and the 2009 winner of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation award for online journalism.

EDITORS NOTE: O’ Yeah this guys knows a lot about college football….

“I look at the way people lionize President Ronald Reagan and I wonder how they feel about Reagan letting years go by without publicly addressing the AIDS epidemic (possibly because the disease initially was seen as primarily affecting gays) or that he vetoed a comprehensive anti-apartheid act that would have placed sanctions on South Africa……

I do not know how to compartmentalize the good from the bad. Just as I am incapable of thinking about Reagan without seeing the thousands and thousands of ailing Americans he didn’t even try to help. Or how hard it is to listen to a Michael Jackson song and not wonder about the boys he was accused of molesting — or how hard it is to watch reruns of “Seinfeld” and not recall the racist rant from the actor who played my once favorite character, Kramer.”

EDITORS NOTE: What a minute, so Michael Jackson was “accused” but Joe Pa is guilty, of what exactly? President Ronald Reagan and the television program “Seinfeld”, what the Hell does that have to do with Joe Pa? Frankly I am surprised this idiot didn’t mention how racist toilet paper companies are because all their toilet paper is some shade of “white”.

Then yet another article from the Communist News network (CNN)

“Gov. Tom Corbett ordered state flags to fly at half staff beginning Monday in honor of former Penn State University football coach Joe Paterno, who died Sunday.

The flags will remain there through sunset on the day of Paterno’s funeral, according to Gary Miller of the governor’s staff.

The support has not been universal.

EDITORS NOTE: Here we go again…

A group for survivors of sexual abuse by Catholic priests released a statement questioning the praise for Paterno, who critics say should have done more in 2002 when an assistant reported seeing former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky engaged in a sexual act with a young boy.
The survivors’ group, Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, said Monday that ignoring what it called Paterno’s “egregious wrongdoing” was insensitive to victims of molestation.

“And publicly honoring Paterno sends precisely the wrong message to others who have or may hide child sex crimes — if you achieve enough professionally, we’ll overlook your role in enabling, ignoring or concealing heinous crimes against kids.”

EDITORS NOTE: So let me get this straight….
Your organization is called “SNAP” as in “O’ SNAP”? Seriously?

Last time I checked Coach Joe Pa didn’t commit any crimes, none.

Zero

Joe Pa wasn’t even accused of committing any crimes was he?

Unless “could have” should have” and “didn’t do enough” is a crime.

And former assistant Jerry Sandusky hasn’t even gone to trial has he?

But the cowardly media assassins want to vilify Coach Joe Pa and they want you to believe the venom they write because they don’t believe you can think for yourselves, can you?

And I assume by their lofty perception of events concerning the Penn State football program the media cowards themselves are beyond reproach.

So let me say this….

I am too flawed a human being to attempt to attack and hold the moral high ground in any conversation on any subject. Not to mention it’s a real slippery slope to climb, I know because I have scaled it a time or two only to slide back down to the bottom. And any grown up who buys their own toilet paper and pays taxes has probably experienced the same thing in his or her life.

If “could have” should have” and “didn’t do enough” is a crime in this life, then how many of us are guilty of seeing something wrong and “not doing enough” to rectify the situation?

I know for a fact I would have gotten the electric chair a long time ago if that was the case.

But give me a minute, because I am getting in front of myself here…

Last year the Great Clarence “The Big Man” Clemons of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band passed away. He played the saxophone in the E Street Band.

There will never, ever be another like him. Period.
I don’t know if “The Big Man” ever saved a child from a burning building or refused to sign an autograph or burned ants with a magnifying glass as a child.

And I don’t care because that’s not what I loved him for….

But I do know he was one hell of a saxophone player and “Jungle Land” and “Tenth Avenue Freeze Out” will never sound the same again and that’s all that matters.

Joe Pa was one hell of a college football coach and the assassins in the media took everything away from him, but yet they don’t want to be judged by the same standards themselves.

They never do though, do they?

They stole his dignity, his integrity and everything he worked and slaved for his entire life until he had nothing left to live for and he died of a broken heart on Sunday morning.

Coach Joe Pa will always be one of the greatest to ever walk the sidelines…

He will always be a Giant in the world of College Football….

He will always be a legend that walked amongst us mere mortals…..

Joe Pa will always be the Lion King

And hard as some may try, they can never take that away from him.

God Bless you Joe Pa and all the faithful Nittany Lions everywhere

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s been a long 2011 College Football Season…
This column is a labor of love and it’s a pleasure to be able to bring you the weekly college football picks and the occasional story throughout the season. But I couldn’t do it alone and I don’t.

I want to take a moment to thank a few people for keeping me going throughout this college football season, without their help, encouragement and humor it would have been damn near impossible to bring you all something worth reading week after week.

I want to thank Harley and his Gang from South Georgia who had the most popular article on the website this season with the “South Georgia Football News and Views”. I would also like to thank Harley’s wife who allows me to steal so much of his time during the football season.

Harley’s insight and wit were more valuable to me this season than I have words to say other than
“Thank you my friend”

I would like to thank Deke, Col J and the Eglin Boys for their friendship, encouragement and humor, not just this season, but throughout the years; it’s what has kept me going in good times and not so good times…Thank you all.

I want to say “Thank you” to Ed and Miss Pam at Stonybrook Cabins and Chalets in beautiful Gatlinburg Tennessee. There are no finer people on the planet than Ed and Miss Pam.

Not that this will turn into a shameless plug, but it will….
Look them up at http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/
There isn’t any place like it, anywhere….

I would be remiss if I didn’t thank the World’s Greatest Agent and Crimson Princess and her beautiful family for all their encouragement and support and well timed humor. I don’t know what I would do without Jill, Christy and Miss Kaye. I Love you all.

I want to thank “Beaver Jim” and “Bulldog Jim” respectively for their college football insight, humor and leads on stories. I appreciate you both, more than you know.

Lastly I want to thank you readers….
For taking the time out of your day to read my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and the occasional not-so-good, they keep me honest.
I need that…..

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will take a break for a couple of weeks, but will return.
But before I depart I want to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Before you begin your New Year’s Eve Celebrations….
I present the last of the 2011 College Football Bowl Picks.

This week we have the final Bowl Games to discuss along with season ending awards and email.

But before you launch headlong into the anxiety pool, let me remind you all of two very simple safety tips that will enhance your enjoyment of the upcoming coming New Year’s Eve Celebrations.

One….New Years Eve is an excellent time to get liquored up and make some bad decisions.
Which your Uncle Todd continues to prove year after year, remember when he brought that goat to your house?

Two….This is the second “celebration” within a week so remember kids…..
A healthy and balanced family life means piling unreasonable expectations on one family member during the holidays (Preferably the mother) and exploding with anger when those expectations aren’t met.

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Happy New Year…

THE 2011 CFB WIZARD BOWL GAME AWARDS

These highly sought after season ending awards are known as the most prestigious season ending bowl awards in all of college football, so without further ado I present the CFB Wizard Awards..

(Applause)

(More Applause)

WORST BOWL COSTUME BY A COLLEGE FOOTBALL FAN

This coveted award is also known as the Garth Brooks “Shameless” Award for excellence in costume design with absolutely no concern for the image of the proud University who they represent. Congratulations, I’m sure your family is thrilled…

And although “The Big Game” isn’t here quite yet, the runner up for this award goes to this ah, LSU Tiger “cheerleader”….

I can almost hear his kids now….
“Mom for the Love of GOD, please don’t go to the game dressed like that again!”

THE WORST BOWL SPONSOR MASCOT

The winner of this award had no competition….

This is kind of eye-catching mascot…..”The Idaho Potato Bowl Mascot”

I think it looks like Mr Hankey from South Park with a tube top.
Striking resemblance, don’t you think, see for yourself.

THE MOST EMBARRASSING ALUMNI AWARD

For consecutive years running, this award goes to the “honorable” U.S. Congresswoman from Florida Ms. Corrine Brown. Although this is an older video, I think you will agree she is still a “winner” of this prestigious award and it will be difficult to raise the embarrassment bar any higher for any alumni anywhere.

Go Gata….

Click here to view the embedded video.

CHRISTMAS HOME DECORATION CONTEST WINNER

It’s Christmas time in Louisiana and while most people decorate their homes with lights to
Celebrate the season; some of the folks down there have only one thing on their minds….

I can’t imagine what that would be?

THE WORST IDEA TO PROMOTE A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN OF 2011

The winner of this award goes to none other than Craig James formerly of ESPN….
Who recently announced his run for the U.S. Senate…..
And as a big a dumbass and as stupid as Craig James is…I would say he’s probably a shoe-in.

Maybe I’m old fashioned but I don’t think I would have talked about killing a hooker.
But that’s just me….

THE 2011 BFF (BEST FRIENDS FOREVER) AWARD

This award goes to none other than Kansas Coach Charlie Weis and former Tennessee Volunteer Coach Phil Fulmer, who are pictured riding off into the sunset together to spend some “quality man time” with one another.

WORST CHRISTMAS CARD IDEA OF 2011

I will close the awards with this….

Alabama ball cap – $15
Hounds tooth Hat – $25
Matching Hounds tooth shirt $35
Matching Hounds tooth Blanket – $45
Bringing your soon to burst pregnant girlfriend with her exposed midriff shirt and hooker pumps to the cow pasture, to pose in an inviting patch of dirt next to the pond for your Christmas card..
Priceless.

Young people in love….

Inspiring…..

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS AND VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC Country!!!

I don’t know about anyone else, but this is a special time of year down in these parts.

School has let out for the Christmas Break; everyone is running around buying presents for their loved ones. But, most importantly, we’re getting all ready for the annual Hanesworth Christmas Family Gathering out in Workmore at my mama and daddy’s house.

There’s more Hanesworth’s down here than you can shake a stick at, so as you can imagine, there’s a huge family get together on Christmas Eve. Mama works all day cooking a big Turkey and dressing. All us kids make covered dishes like sweet potatoes, turnips, peas, and butterbeans to take over for the main course and blackberry pie, pecan pie, and chocolate layer cakes for dessert. But best of all, my sister Viola makes her special oyster dressing to bring over for all to enjoy. Everybody starts getting to the house about 3 in the afternoon, with the ladies going in the house to help mama with the last of the cooking and setting the tables.

All the men either go into the living room to watch some football or stand around the fire pit outside and sip on a cold adult beverage. The kids run around out in the pasture and play their games and wait anxiously for supper. We’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember and I can report that although we’ve got a few outlaws in the family, nobody’s ever been killed, even though my brother, Harold, once shot himself in the leg after he had showed us his little .22 peashooter and was sticking it back in his pocket. It was just a little flesh wound so we bandaged him up and went back to the conversation and imbibing of beverages. I hope you all have the opportunity to get together with family and enjoy the fellowship and fun like we do.

I’ve got some bad news to report from up in Statesboro. Our Georgia Southern Eagles finally met their match in their march to the FCS National Title up at the Fargo Dome, in Fargo, North Dakota. The Bison from the North Country took advantage of some early Bird specials courtesy of a couple of untimely fumbles as they kicked the Eagles out of their nest by a 35-7 tally. The visitors from Statesboro kept things close for 39 minutes, down 14-7, but the Buffalo then ran roughshod over the Feathered Flock from the South, outscoring the Birds 21-0 over the rest of the games. The Eagles drove 5 times to inside the Bison 30 but couldn’t punch it in. This obviously leaves a bitter taste in the mouths of our Southern Sons as they were defeated last year at this point by Delaware. Regardless of the outcome, we are so very proud of these young men as they competed for another National Championship and represented the Southern Conference and State of Georgia well. Congratulations, Eagles, on a great season.

And finally, I’d like to take the time to bid you farewell for this year.

I’ve never written for a prestigious, national publication before and from what the College Football Wizard has told me, amazingly, the response has been favorable.

I was honestly quite apprehensive about writing about my little corner of Georgia, and putting my opinions and thoughts on the College Football World out there for all to see. That’s pretty scary because there are some many of those nameless, faceless people who sit behind their computers and seem to savor or ridicule anyone who doesn’t write what they want to hear or throw an opinion out there that completely agrees, lockstep, with theirs.

I’d like to humbly thank you all for bearing with me as I slowly got my “sea legs” and found a format that I was comfortable with and that you would enjoy. As the Wizard said in an earlier article, this is like a labor of love because Telfair County in the Great State of Georgia is the home that I love. So to all of you, I close with this thought.

Every week I sign off with the statement to support your local High School Athletics Programs. And I hope you do. Although the kids are teenagers and they’d never admit it, it’s important to them that there are good turnouts for their various competitions. Football seems to get the most fans, followed by basketball, but remember all those young men and women who compete in Cross-Country, Baseball, Volleyball, Tennis, and the other programs that don’t garner the most fan support. These youngsters represent your schools with pride and would love to hear some rousing cheers as they score the winning run or cross that finish line first.

With the way the world is nowadays, they need us more than ever.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone

And……

Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE LAST EMAIL QUESTION OF 2011

Q: Welcome to Candyland!

I always like introducing myself in fun ways!
Sometimes I will growl like a dinosaur and kind of stand on my tip toes when I meet people for the first time! You should see the look on their faces!

Then I say something like “Haven’t you ever seen a dinosaur before!”

That just cracks me up!

Any Who, here is my question Ole Wise College Football Wizard!

If ESPN Commentator Pam Ward and Kansas Coach Charlie Weis had a baby….
What do you think it would look like?

Thank you and don’t forget to tip your waitress!
I crack myself up!

Tommy – Columbus, Ohio

A: I’m not quite sure Tommy, since my degree isn’t in genetic engineering….

But off the top of my head, I would have to say….

I don’t know, but I’m guessing it would have a butt the size of Rhode Island and a voice that would make small animals fling themselves into oncoming cars.

THE BOWL GAMES

Monday January 2nd 2012

Ticket City Bowl
Houston and Penn State
This Bowl game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl…
Because you never know who is going to show up and play
NITTANY LIONS 31-28

Capital One Bowl
Nebraska and South Carolina
If you like “Defense”, then this is going to be your game of the day
GAMECOCKS 17-10

Outback Bowl
Michigan State and Georgia
This one is for Larry and Lewis and Catfish…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Tax Slayer.com Gator Bowl
Ohio State and Florida
At first I was really excited when I say this Bowl Sponsors name…
Because I thought if there really was a “Tax Slayer” running loose then the folks in the Federal Government must be getting in line to join the witness protection program.
BUCKEYES 24-21

Rose Bowl Game Sponsored by VIZIO
Wisconsin and Oregon
This pick is quite simple for me….
I wouldn’t pull for the Ducks if they were playing Iran
BUCKY BADGERS 34-21

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Stanford and Oklahoma State
If you hate “Defense” then this is going to be your game of the day
COWBOY UP! 63-59

Tuesday January 3rd

Allstate Sugar Bowl
Michigan and Virginia Tech
“Put your left foot in, take your left foot out and do the Hokey Pokey and the Wolverines are going to win the Sugar Bowl.” Sorry I couldn’t make that one rhyme.
WOLVERINES 24-17

Wednesday January 4th

Discover Orange Bowl
West Virginia and Clemson
Remember what Smokey the Bear Says….…..
“Only you and the Clemson Tigers can prevent smoldering couch fires in Morgantown”
Wise words from a Bear….
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Friday January 6th

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Kansas State and Arkansas
I think this one is going to over before it gets started….
Believe it….
WSP HAWGS 43-17

Saturday January 7th

BBVA Compass Bowl
Southern Methodist and Pittsburgh
What the hell is a “BBVA”?
It sounds like Salmonellas demented cousin…..
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-28

Sunday January 8th

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Arkansas State and Northern Illinois
This is the “Nobody Cares Bowl” because the Championship game is on tomorrow night.
RED WOLVES 33-28

Monday January 9th

The Game
Allstate BCS National Championship Game
LSU and Alabama
This game will be a classic….
It’s a shame that someone has to lose
CRIMSON TIDE 21-20

POST GAME WRAP-UP…

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will be off until after the National Championship Game and depending on how that turns out or doesn’t turn out I may be receiving a liver transplant in Paraguay.

So Stay Tuned…

It’s been a long season for Yours Truly.
I have picked almost one thousand games this year, with the occasional story thrown in for good measure, and finished the 2011 college football season with an overall 80% success rate.

One Thousand games, it’s hard to believe….
Thank you all for riding along with me this season
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.
Enjoy your Bowl Games and have a Healthy Happy New Year

See you in 2012

ROLL TIDE ROLL

THE CFB WIZARD

Christmas is almost here….

This is a story that is familiar to many of you…..

For others it may be your first time reading it

I sent this out the last couple of years and so many of you loved it that I decided to send it out again.
This story means a lot to me.

I like to think of this as our little College Football Wizard Christmas Tradition…

I bring you this story of the first Christmas I can ever remember

I hope it touches your heart and motivates you to help the helpless.

I hope you enjoy it and I want to wish you all…..

A Very Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year….

Enjoy….

CHRISTMAS ON OUTER DRIVE

It was Christmas 1962, when America didn’t have a clue what a Vietnam was
and most women were more concerned about which hat Jackie Kennedy would wear during the holidays than they were about world politics.

Even at the ripe old age of four this wonderful foster family provided by the state that was kind enough to explain to me that Santa Claus…
Ole Saint Nick to you and me didn’t visit children without a mommy and daddy.
Those were the “bad” children; that’s why their mommies and daddies left them with the state.

Made sense to me at the time; so, it goes without saying that my expectations were not very high this holiday season.

Imagine my surprise when Miss Connie, who lived next door in the duplex……
told me that she was “sure” that Santa was going to drop off a present for me at her house.
She would bring it over to me on Christmas day. What? Could this be true?
I couldn’t hide my excitement or stop talking about Santa’s generosity.

The whole concept of Santa Claus was beyond my ability to comprehend.
But yet, I was able to grasp the idea of a “special” gift created just for me and built by elf’s working at union wage at the North Pole.
Go figure.

I have been exposed to various family Christmas traditions throughout my extensive tour of state homes over the years before I had grown up.
However, this particular family enjoyed opening a variety of packages on Christmas Eve and saving a select few……Along with Santa’s delivery, to open on Christmas morning.

On this Christmas Eve I was a very disinterested observer.
Despite the fact I wasn’t going to get any gifts, after all it was pointed out in advance, that “taking me in” and feeding me was “gift enough”.
I wanted to speed up the whole process; move on to Christmas morning…..
So I could get whatever wonderful item Santa would leave me at Miss Connie and Mister Ken’s house.
Could you blame me?

I remember these events with perfect clarity, recalling the scents and colors of the scene around me.
I can recall the feeling of unbridled enthusiasm of Santa’s impending arrival and the personal torment of a child wondering what he had done to make his parents not want him.

But I need to get back to the subject.

Somewhere during the course of the evening with my foster family……..
With the sound of tearing wrapping paper and empty boxes mixed with the laughter of the adults and their biological child, underneath the shimmering Christmas tree,,,,,
I took it upon myself to commit the ultimate breach in Christmas etiquette.

I was entrusted with prior knowledge of a special gift intended for the master of the house.
As he ever so slowly began the process of unwrapping his “special” gift…..
He also, began the “What did you get me?” game, which I was totally unfamiliar with at this particular time.

I cannot recall if I was exasperated with the speed of the deliberations
or I was attempting to be helpful with the questions from the master of the house.
It may have been a combination of the two.
But regardless of my reasoning….
During the guessing game conducted by the master of the house with his “real” family,
I suddenly and without warning blurted out, “It’s a Tool Box”.

It was as if someone pulled the plug to the volume control.
I have never heard a room go from the bustle and excitement of Christmas, with the tearing of packages and all the electricity that comes with the moment….
To complete silence in a micro second.

I was now the total focus of everyone’s attention.
Which is never a good thing.

Total disgust from the gallery of observers was matched by the murderous expression displayed by the man of the house. He slowly stood from his chair, stepping over the remnants of packages and his “tool box”.
The only sound I heard were his feet making contact with several pieces of wrapping paper.

He made approximately four strides that seem to take forever to complete in my minds eye.
He bent slowly, until our nose’s nearly touched.
I can smell the spent Pall-Mall’s on his breathe and the sticky sweet smell of, what I now recognize as, Southern Comfort.
Daniel in the Lions Den had nothing on me……

Between clenched teeth he told me that I had ruined Christmas for the whole family.
To be honest, I had figured that much out on my own at this point.
However what I did not anticipate, which to this day baffles me…..
Particularly considering my highly evolved survival skills, is what transpired next.

He struck me so fast on my face with his open hand that I wasn’t quite sure that I had been hit.
However, all doubt left my mind when my buttocks and shoulders made contact with the floor.
I remember the embarrassment of being knocked down, as opposed to the pain of the blow.
It’s funny what you remember sometimes…..

I immediately rolled my body into a ball, in anticipation of being kicked and I wasn’t disappointed.
Fortunately, he was barefooted and didn’t put a lot into it, or use his heel.
After a couple of kicks in quick succession I was told to get up and go to bed, while the rest of the “real” family continued with their holiday celebrations.

Excitement overshadowed any pain that I may have experienced thinking about Santa’s subsequent arrival ….
And my gift to be left with Miss Connie and I drifted off to sleep.
I woke before dawn on Christmas morning.

I remember pacing frantically in my little room and trying not to wake anyone in the house.

I didn’t want to wait for Miss Connie or Mister Ken to bring Santa’s gift to me.
As soon as I knew they were awake I would knock on the door and inquire about Santa’s visit the following evening (I had a plan)

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long for my plan to go into action.
Shortly after the sun came up I smelled two very important and familiar items that Christmas morning.
I smelled Miss Connie’s coffee pot and Mister Ken’s pipe.

Already, in my overalls, I slipped on my boots and quietly made my way out of the duplex to their front door.
Once I was at the front door, I suddenly lost my nerve and found that I couldn’t knock.
I was afraid of disappointment or maybe I was just plain scared, I really don’t remember.

Good fortune was mine this day…..
As I was turning to leave, Mister Ken; God bless him, opened the door…..
And said something about hearing shuffling on the porch, and invited me in to the wonderful smell of Miss Connie’s pancakes.

I soon found myself eating like I was going to the electric chair.
The exquisite taste of those pancakes, mixed with melted butter and maple syrup, washed down with ice cold milk made me momentarily forget all about gifts, packages or Santa.

Miss Connie and Mister Ken had already raised three boys by the time of this story and missed the sounds of boys in their house. I was always welcome in their modest home and felt warm and safe in their presence.
I don’t think I ever left their house when I wasn’t still chewing some marvelous delight prepared by Miss Connie.

While I was digging into my second helping of pancakes with Mister Ken asking me if I had seen Bart Starr and the Green Bay Packers on the television set..
Miss Connie interrupted and explained that they had found a gift with my name on it, under their tree for me this morning. Before I had a chance to finish chewing, she had set the gift down on the table next to me.

The paper and ribbon were magnificent.
I had never seen such a package.
Smiling broadly, they encouraged me to go ahead and open it.

With maple syrup on my face and hands I began to tear into “my” package.
I started pealing the paper, and next I broke the seal on the box encasing my Christmas surprise.

Inside the package was a plastic bag holding some one hundred plastic soldiers and the top of the bag was advertising the popular television program “Combat”.
There was an American jeep and a German pillbox in the bag as well.
This was beyond my wildest expectations!
I jumped up from the table hugging them both as tightly as I could and asked them to please thank Santa for me. I have never received a better gift anytime in my life.

I will never forget that gift, the kindness of those two people, or that particular Christmas on Outer Drive. In time, I moved on to a series of state homes, and Miss Connie and Mister Ken were to lose their oldest son Jerry, in Vietnam.

But this moment for me is frozen in time.

It doesn’t take much effort to create a memory for someone who doesn’t have much hope.
Take the opportunity to bring a little hope to someone this Christmas season, create a smile or generate laughter in those who need it the most.

Merry Christmas

Post script…

This story is for Connie and Ken who have gone on to meet the Lord.
Two sweeter or loving people have never walked this earth.
They provided a poor child with love and care that will never be forgotten.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2011

RTR
MEB

Just in time for Christmas, the second installment of your 2011 College Football Bowl games.

I wanted to get this edition out before your Aunt Edna shows up with her Yorkshire terrier “Popeye” who conveniently has “diarrhea” which was probably caused from sampling Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean casserole “surprise” which she decided to bring to your house for Christmas.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and don’t forget the Tums.

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Saturday December 24th

The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Nevada and Southern Miss
I know what’s on your mind concerning this game in Hawaii….
The answer is “Yes”; Dog the Bounty Hunter will return to A&E in January 2012
No need to thank me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-24

The Silicon Valley Bowl Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
This Bowl game is for teams that at a distance look really good, until you see them up close…
Then you can tell they are actually made out of Silicon something or another…
Texas Tech Red Raiders and Miami Hurricanes

The Purina Monkey Chow Bowl
Much like this Bowl Game sponsor….
These two teams didn’t smell particularly good this season, but they sure are fun to say…..
Oregon State Beavers and Indiana Hoosiers

CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP
For those of you (like myself) that are still trying to get last minute gifts on Christmas Eve, here is a safety tip for you. Do NOT go into a Pakistani Clothing Store and ask them if…
“They have any Bomber Jackets”

CHRISTMAS EMAIL QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey!

My name is Timmy and I am eight years old and I live in Opelika Alabama.
My daddy broke his leg this past fall when he jumped off the Auburn bandwagon (cause they ain’t been any good this year) and he hasn’t been able to work because Obama Care doesn’t care. Then my momma caught most of our trailer house on fire when the tuna helper surprise she was a cooking blowed up and the worst of it, my 18 year old sister run off with an Alabama Crimson Tide boy.
Is my momma and daddy ever mad about that!

So I am asking you Wizard Man for a Christmas Miracle.

Can you do that?

Timmy – Opelika, Alabama

A: You came to the right place Timmy….

To me, nothing says Christmas miracle quite like watching a spider monkey riding a dog.

God Bless us Every One…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Monday December 26th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Missouri and North Carolina
I liked this Bowl game a lot better when it was called the Weed Eater Bowl…
I have no idea what the hell an “AdvoCare V100” is…
It sounds like a cream that will make hair grow on your head like a damn gorilla….
MO’S TIGERS 28-21

Tuesday December 27th

Little Caesars Bowl
Western Michigan and Purdue
I have no problem per se with a Pizza Company sponsoring a Bowl game…
Except this one sounds like a midget Caesar and you all know how I feel about midgets.
They creep me out, especially midget clowns.
Ok, I need to stop I am scaring myself.
BOILERMAKERS 24-17

Belk Bowl
Louisville and North Carolina State
This clothing store geared towards women has an unusual trophy awarded to the winner…
I’m not quite sure what a pair of zebra striped high heels will look like as a trophy..
But I guess we are going to find out…
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-28

The Vienna Sausage Bowl Sponsored by the Dahlonega Georgia Chamber of Commerce
This Bowl game matches two teams…..
That much like Vienna sausages; you are never really quite sure what they are made of and if left out in the sun too long they will start to smell like grandma’s old slippers.
Kentucky Wildcats and Army Black Knights

Wednesday December 28th

Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Toledo and Air Force
I cannot in good conscience pick against the Air Force Academy in the “Military Bowl”
It’s how I roll….
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
California and Texas
Bridgeport as in Bridgeport Tires?
What’s so damn educational about a bunch of tires?
You either put them on a car or truck or make a tire swing out of it, that’s about it.
Unless you live in California and then I guess you paint a face on them and worship it.
Idiots….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-17

Wolf Brand Chili Bowl sponsored by the Texarkana Chili Cook-off Association
Much like the earlier Vienna Sausage Bowl, you don’t know what goes into making this delicacy, other than grease, more grease and a pinch of more grease.
But it does look like it’s already been eaten once…
I forgot where I was going with this one…
Tulane Green Wave and Vermont Poop Weasels

Thursday December 29th

Champs Sports Bowl
Florida State and Notre Dame
On paper this Bowl Game looks like it will be a good match-up……
Fortunately they don’t play the game of college football on damn paper.
SEMINOLES 43-17

Valero Alamo Bowl
Washington and Baylor
Having a sponsor with any Spanish name before “The Alamo” is abhorrent to me.
Enough said….
DA BEARS 38-17

Friday December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Brigham Young and Tulsa – Dallas
The best thing that can be said about this Bowl game is that it’s being played at the home of the Mighty Mustangs of Southern Methodist University in beautiful Dallas Texas.
What I wouldn’t give to be on the West End of Dallas on a Saturday night….
Sorry I had a flashback there for a minute….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24

The Cubic Zirconium Bowl located off the Las Vegas Strip in nearby Gypsum Nevada
This particular Bowl game is reserved for teams that shined and sparkled at the beginning of the season but when it came right down to it, they couldn’t cut glass this year.
South Florida Bulls and Tennessee Volunteers

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Rutgers and Iowa State
I hate to be the bearer of bad news to the folks in Yankee Land….
But there isn’t anything “new era” about pinstripes, they have been around for a while.
MIGHTY CYCLONES 28-14

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Mississippi State and Wake Forest
There is a lot at stake in the “Mortgage Bowl” in Nashville….
The losers of this game get their houses foreclosed on…
BULLY DOGS 34-14

Insight Bowl
Iowa and Oklahoma
I have some “Insight” for you on this Bowl game….
The Hawkeyes are going to get the living hell beaten out of them….
BOOMER SOONERS 49-14

Saturday December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas
Texas A&M and Northwestern
This Bowl game has one of the most useful and decorative trophy’s that can be found anywhere.
Nothing says “I’m a Winner!” like a Pine Tree Car Deodorizer ….
GIG EM AGGIES 31-17

The I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Bowl
The teams, student bodies, fans and alumni represented in this bowl game are composed of nothing more than lard and food coloring.
The Entire Ivy League and the University of Southern California Trojans

Hyundai Sun Bowl
Georgia Tech and Utah
At first glance I thought this Bowl game was sponsored by two Yugoslavian Utes, but then I realized it was a car company, which is cool.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-24

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Illinois and UCLA
Neither team has a head coach which should allow the viewers at home to enjoy the very best display of pee-wee football they have seen all year.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 6-3

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Cincinnati and Vanderbilt
There have been a lot of classic games played in this old stadium in the Land of Elvis.
This one may not be a “classic”, but it’s going to be a good one.
Thank you, Thank you very much….
COMMODORES 24-21

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Virginia and Auburn
Conventional wisdom says that the Southeastern Conference is an underdog in this game.
I am neither conventional nor very wise and I can give references to support that claim.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 23-21

I will have another favorite Christmas story on the wire tomorrow.

Next week we will have the final installment of the College Bowls and a few surprises as well.

So Stay Tuned…

Enjoy your Bowl Games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I shared this brief Christmas Story last year with you all and a good many of you commented on how much you enjoyed reading it and requested that I post it again this year.

So here it is, I do hope you enjoy it.

Two weeks ago the University of North Alabama Lions fell in the Division II College Playoffs on their home field in Florence Alabama.

I mention this because I played on that football field as a young boy.

In fact for a brief period of time, I lived right down the street from the current stadium.

I used to go up there every chance I got, just to run up and down the field.

Pretending to play college football and imagining victory’s won in the last second.

And that got me to thinking about a Christmas I spent there as a boy…..
And the “Post Christmas”……

So I share this little story with you……

I hope you enjoy it…..

Merry Christmas to you all….

Bullets in the Fire

At the risk of sounding like one of those old men I used to listen to as a kid harping on the youth of today, I have to say, some young kids today don’t realize how good they have it.

Between the drive thru meals and the video games it’s no wonder they don’t have appreciation for those things in life one has to work and strive to attain.

If you think I am pointing a finger at you, then you would be wrong.

I am pointing at myself as well.

I remember a time, not that long ago…

In a little house close to the railroad tracks, just down the road from what is now the University of North Alabama. In fact, when the freight trains rolled by everyday the entire house would shake as if from an earthquake. We could feel the clack-clack of the big wheels against steel tracks and the lonely blasts of the horns as the endless trains passed.

It was January and Alabama was hit with an unusually bitter cold spell.
The silhouettes of lifeless trees looked like shadows against the grey skies.
The blistering cold winds caused the entire house to creek as it labored to keep the heat of the fireplace trapped within its midst.

I was six years old and I was living with a family that also had a grandparent and grandmother living with them.

This particular Saturday two neighbors arrived and they were all warming themselves next to the fireplace in the little clapboard house next to the railroad tracks.

As I recall there were a total of eleven people in that little house that Saturday.
There were the foster parents, her father and mother, their two children, myself and two other foster children to work the fields and live stock across the tracks and the two neighbors from down the road.

Eleven in all on this cold morning most of which were huddled close to the fire talking all at once about a variety of subjects. Myself and the other kids all about the same age just got in from feeding the hogs, the two cows and cleaning the stalls to find ourselves hurried to the kitchen for the customary bowl of oatmeal.

My rumbling stomach could wait…
I had other pursuits in mind….

The grandfather who lived there liked me…
Maybe it’s because as a veteran of World War I
That’s right I said World War I…

I listened intently to his every story and asked a variety of questions all of which he answered patiently.
His Daughter and son in law didn’t seem to care what he had done in the Great War and neither did any of the other grandchildren or foster kids.
Me, I loved every minute of it.
I called him Mister Chuck and he called me Sonny.

Mister Chuck would say “Sonny you want to hear a story about the Great War?”
In a loud and resounding voice shouting yes sir! I would be at his feet quick as a rabbit.

I can still see him in my mind’s eye, setting in that rocking chair in his overalls, smoking a filter less cigarette staring into the fireplace as he told his stories; his mind drifting off to the battlefields of Europe and fighting the Hun.

Mister Chuck was a good and decent man.

A few weeks before this story…
It was Christmas..
There wasn’t much to go around for the foster kids in that house or anybody else for that matter.
But Mister Chuck made sure we all got new socks and Miss Annie (his wife) had knitted each of us a nice warm stocking cap.

But Mister Chuck had something special in mind for me….
Mister Chuck always carried tucked in his overalls, a Smith & Wesson Russian Model .44 caliber revolver.

He would occasionally unload it and let me carry it and even let me pretend to shoot it.
I would practice my sight picture imagining unknown marauders and the Kaiser’s Boys across the field, preparing to storm our defensive position.

That pistol was almost as long as my arm and at the time felt like it weighted a metric ton.
But I loved it.

Anytime he would unload the massive revolver he would let me put those big .44 caliber bullets in my pocket and even carry them around most of the day.
The bullets consisted of a huge chunk of lead attached to a real brass cartridge.
I felt like an ammo carrier preparing to make it to the trenches to resupply my brothers on the front lines.

So on this Christmas with no one around Mister Chuck said he knew how much I enjoyed playing with those bullets, so he gave me ten of the .44 Russian caliber bullets.
He got down on the floor with me and told me to imagine them as soldiers and with my imagination they could be whatever I wanted them to be.
It was an awesome gift.

At night I would wrap them in an old handkerchief and put them under my pillow and during the day I carried them with me everywhere I went.
I would play with those bullets every chance I got.
I would line them up on the floor and imagining all kinds of warfare in far away and exotic locations.

On this cold Saturday in January I was in a corner playing with my “soldiers” as the children ate their oatmeal in the kitchen and while the adults huddled near the fire place, some seated and others standing talking about whatever adults talk about.
In the middle of the group set Mister Chuck, staring into the fire.

I was in the process of relieving the beleaguered 101st Airborne Division at Bastogne in the corner of the room near a little table with my bullet soldiers, when the “incident” happened.

The man of the house and the son-in-law of Mister Chuck left the fireplace and came over to the table where I was playing. As he retrieved something from the top of the table his boot hit my “soldiers” and sent them scattering.

The man of the house saw the look of surprise on my young face and perhaps a hint of disgust as well.

He told me in no uncertain terms that I had no business playing with those bullets
He then told me to get rid of them right now or I would get a beating.

To this day I am not sure if everyone huddled around the fireplace heard the dispute, I know Mister Chuck certainly didn’t. Not that it has any real bearing on the rest of the story, but what happened next seem to start in slow motion.

My feelings were hurt and yes I was embarrassed, but more than that I was mad.
So with tears in my eyes, I gathered up my bullets in both hands and walked confidently towards the fireplace.

I walked between two adults who were talking about something or another and unceremoniously pitched all ten .44 caliber bullets into the roaring fire.

I can still the brass turning over in the air as they left my hands
The moment was frozen in time.

Until the Son In law who unbeknownst to me had witnessed the entire episode from across the room yelled
“There’s Bullets in the Fire!”

That was about the time the first rounds started detonating in the fireplace.
Was it ever loud!

I have never seen so many people running so fast in my life; how so many of them squeezed through the front door of that little house at the same time amazes me to this day.

That little living room looked like the deck of the Titanic.

While the crowd panicked Mister Chuck never left his rocking chair, I can still hear him laughing over the explosions in the fireplace.
He was laughing so hard he was crying, despite the fact embers hit him from the explosions and left burning, smoking holes on the legs of his overalls and in the arms of his flannel shirt.

I had a firsthand account of these events as I conveniently watched the fireworks display and subsequent scrabbling for safety from behind Mister Chuck’s rocking chair.

By the time the last round exploded and with ringing in my ears and the smell of cordite hanging in the air, the crowd slowly made their way back into the house, and I don’t think I need to mention the adults were something less than pleased with my actions, even Miss Annie looked like she was thrown from a truck.

Once Mister Chuck’s son-in-law came into the house, he grabbed me by the straps of my overalls and jerked me to me feet.
I knew I was done for
That was until Mister Chuck said
“Let that boy go”.
Nobody messed with Mister Chuck.

Mister Chuck stood up from his rocking chair and calmly asked me what happened.
When the Son-in-law tried to interrupt, Mister Chuck just held up his hand to silence his protests.

In my fear I recounted the story and Mister Chuck nodded his head, patted me on the shoulder and said, nobody is whipping this boy today. Sonny let’s go get you some more of them bullets.
And he did

I didn’t get a whipping that day, or any other day while I was in that home.
Only Mister Chuck and I talked and laughed about the incident later, nobody else dared bring the subject up for fear of making the son-in-law mad.

All either of us had to say was
“There’s Bullets in the Fire!”
And we would erupt with laughter.
Each and every time we talked about it, Mister Chuck would laugh just as hard as he did the day it happened and he would always say, “That was the funniest damn thing I ever saw”.

I left there the next year and I never forgot Mister Chuck and Miss Annie.
I didn’t see a lot of Mister Chuck as the years moved on and I kept up with them as best I could as I was growing up. But Mister Chuck never forgot me.

He made sure before he died that “Sonny” received the pistol he loved so much as a little boy.

Sometimes everything works out just like it’s supposed to.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

The people I see, I think are invisible to the naked eye.
In other words I can see them but you can’t. Ghosts?
No, they aren’t ghosts; at least I don’t think so.
Some may be Ghosts of what they once were. Am I confusing you?

Well, it’s just like the other morning.
I thought I saw something standing out of the wind at the front of an old downtown shop. It was around 7:30 on Saturday morning.
Was it ever cold and there was a moment there I really felt like the wind was going to cut me in half.
As I leaned into the wind and walked up to the storefront I passed a man and a woman that never saw it.
Seriously, that never saw it.
Looked right at “It.” But never saw it.
That is how I figured out that some of these people are invisible.
Because, other people look “right” at them and they don’t seem to really SEE them. You know what I mean?

I am not very good at guessing ages. Never have been.
If I had that particular job at the carnival, I would starve to death.
I say that because as I approached the figure in the storefront, I couldn’t tell how old she was.

But if I had to guess, I would say that she was closer to seventy that she was sixty.
She was shivering and her body was shaking. I asked her if she had gloves.
She nodded her head in an affirmative manner.
I asked her if I could get her anything.
She moved her head from side to side slowly that indicated a negative response to my question.
So I asked her, if I could get her a hot cup of coffee.
A smile broke from under her scarf and a soft voice said, “Yes, please.”
I told her that I would be right back, and I sprinted the 40 or fifty yards to the Seven-Eleven Store and purchased a large hot coffee and then walked quickly back to where she was standing in the storefront. She took it from my hands and I watched her soak up the warmth of the coffee in the Styrofoam cup, holding it close to her face.
Before I could ask her if she needed anything else, she smiled and that same soft voice said, “Thank You”. We exchanged a smile and I was on my way.

I didn’t know who she was.
But I know that she is a human being.
With the same organs you and I have.
She has eyes, feelings, memories and dreams.
She is no different than the guy I talked to an hour later inside the chain link fence, where the dumpster’s are located behind the convenience store near the bridge.
I gave him one of my old sleeping bags, and a wool sweater.
I bought him a cup of coffee and I listened to him talk as we sit in that cold and windy place.
He has feelings. He has memories and dreams. He is not what he once was. A
s a kid it never occurred to him that he would be where he is now.

They are not invisible. Are they? We see them you and I.
They are our brothers and our sisters.
They are our fellow citizens.
Please see them this Holiday Season.
Please think of them. Please pray for them.
Please give them that touch, and let them know that you care.

Merry Christmas

RTR
MEB

It’s time to go Bowling and as promised your first installment of the 2011 Bowl Games.

Just a few games on tap until next week, but there is enough to keep you interested.

There is more on the way, a lot more so stay tuned

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Saturday December 17th

Semi-Final College Football Playoff
Georgia Southern at North Dakota State
Conventional wisdom would say that the Thundering Bison have an advantage over the Eagles in this matchup due to the weather in the beautiful Dakota’s this time of year.
But just one thing…..
They are playing the game in a Dome…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 34-24

The GILDAN New Mexico Bowl
Temple and Wyoming
What the Hell is a “GILDAN”, isn’t that something you get from setting on toilet seats at Greyhound bus stations? Maybe they should have called this the “Penicillin Bowl”
I’m just saying…
COWBOY UP! 28-24

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Ohio and Utah State
Really, a “Famous Potato Bowl”, really?
What’s next the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Bowl?
FRANK’S KATS 38-34

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
San Diego State and Louisiana Lafayette
Who came with an idea to have a “carrier” for a bowl sponsor?
It’s the cold and flu season for God’s sake..
SEMI-RAGIN CAJUNS 31-28

Tuesday December 20th

Beef O’Brady’s Bowl St Petersburg
Florida International and Marshall
I have but one thing to say about this Bowl game….
It sounds like it’s sponsored by a Male Stripper….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-21

Wednesday December 21st

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Texas Christian and Louisiana Tech
You know your Bowl game has too many sponsors…
When the name of the Bowl won’t fit on the back of a football jersey, enough said.
HORNED FROGS 43-24

Thursday December 22nd

MAACO Bowl Las Vegas
Arizona State and Boise State
MAACO, isn’t that the name of a Shark?
If that’s the case shouldn’t this game have been sponsored by Sea World?
BLUE BRONCOS 43-38

Enjoy your Bowls and I will see you all next week with more….

Stay Tuned and Enjoy your weekend

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s time once again for the coveted 2011 CFB Wizard Awards!

Now I know that many of you will be going about your Christmas chores this time of year and may feel that you are too busy or perhaps have fallen behind in shopping for the various gifts on your Christmas list to enjoy this prestigious of all College Football Awards article.

It’s time to take a break and pour a glass of that “special” eggnog, kick your feet up and relax.

The Award Show is about to begin…

Enjoy….

2011 COLLEGE FOOTBALL REPLAY

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the week at 6 and 1 with my only loss due to the Fighting Okra getting fried to a crisp in the Division II Playoffs.

So for the last week of the College Football Season the CFB Wizard was 86%

We close the 2011 College Football Season at 710 and 192 or 79%.

That’s a whole lot of college football game picking my friends

Now before you start to get your Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer underwear in a knot because the college football season is over, let me remind you that we still have the Bowl games to discuss and maybe a story or two to keep you entertained during the Christmas season.

So Stay Tuned…

But before I forget, I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah or a Crazy Kwanza or a Randy Ramadan or whatever it is people celebrate now days.

And as a holiday safety tip….

If you are approached by what would appear to be one of “Santa’s Elves” in your local Shopping Mall and he asks you “if you would like to see the free summer sausage give away”

Don’t say a word, just avert your eyes, turn around and go find a policeman.

And before you ask “No” I don’t want to talk about it

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, High School football season is officially over now.
All the championship trophies have been given out, lights turned out in the stadiums and fields, and the kids have moved on to basketball and other activities. It’s always a little sad when winter sets in and I get up on Saturdays to find the sports pages now feature stories of Bowl games and basketball and the High School football tales have faded away. But, that’s the way it’s always been and will always be. I’ll continue to keep an eye out for a little recruiting news from the colleges or some Telfair High basketball or baseball write ups, biding my time, until the Friday Night Lights of the fall once again light the stage for another encore performance of a game we all love so dearly.

But there was one game that I watched Saturday that should have been on the National Stage. Ghosts of Erk were stirring in Statesboro once again as the Georgia Southern Eagles played another game on their road to the Football Championship Subdivision National Championship. And oh, what a game it was. This game featured running and passing, penalties and turnovers, and was in doubt until the last few ticks of the clock. That bust of Erk in the endzone of “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America” surely smiled as he gazed on the scene as these proud Birds clawed their way to a hard earned 35-23 victory over a feisty bunch of Maine Black Bears. Jaybo Shaw, the transfer quarterback from North Avenue, scored 2 touchdowns on the ground and 1 through the airways as the Eagles racked up 476 yards of total offense on a chilly day beside Eagle Creek. Chipping in with another couple of touchdowns and 99 yards on the ground was JJ Wilcox, a Junior Running Back from Cairo, Ga. And for those of you that don’t know, down here it’s called “Kay-row”.

Also contributing were Dominique Swope, a Freshman from Buford, Ga, Jonathon Bryant, another Cairo native, Nico Hickey, of Columbus, Darreion Robinson, an Athens native, and bruiser Robert Brown from Macon. After a difficult week last week against Old Dominion, the defense stiffened early and held the Bruins to under 75 rushing yards. In fact, the Eagles had the ball in the first quarter for 14 of 15 minutes after an interception of the Black Bears on their second play of the game and 2 time consuming drives by the Eagles. The Blue Birds sent the Bears home with the Statesboro Blues as a late interception by corner Jerrick McKinnon, a converted quarterback from Marietta, sealed the deal for the home team. At that point, and as is tradition at Paulson stadium, the rowdy and fired up fans pulled out and shook their car keys, symbolically telling the visiting Bears to drive home safely. Next up for the Eagles is a tough and gritty North Dakota State Bison team at their house in Fargo, ND. I’m sure Coach Jeff Monken will carry on the tradition of bringing a little of that beautiful Eagle Creek water with him to bless the North Dakota State field with and bring these high flying Birds a little luck in their quest for an unprecedented 8th National Title Crown. Good Luck Eagles!!!!

Looking down the road to the New Year’s festivities our other home state teams will be involved in a little bowl action. Georgia Tech will be taking on Utah in the Sun Bowl in El Paso and the Georgia Bulldogs will travel to Tampa to take on the Michigan State Spartans.

I’m going to steal a little of the Wizards thunder today and make a couple of predictions on these games. I believe that the Red Clay Hounds are gonna have a bitter taste in their mouth after falling to the Bayou Bengals at the SEC Championship Game. That 10 game winning streak wasn’t a fluke. The Spartans will still be smarting after falling to Wisconsin for the Big 10-ish Championship, but I just don’t think they have enough to get it done against a tough SEC defense with revenge on their minds. The Dawgs have enough offense to push them over the top on this one, so, I picking the Canines in a close one, 24-21.

Meanwhile, The Wreck was up and down at times this season. After losing 4 of their last 6, the question is, will the defense step up and show some heart and will the Utes, with over a month to prepare, be able to stop the Stingers’ offense? There’s a lot on the line for the Slide Rule Jocks as they want to finish strong and go into next year’s recruiting battles with positive momentum. I’m feeling another close one with the Bee’s pulling off a 28-27 nail biter.
Let’s hope our home state heroes play well!!!

In closing, this edition, I wanted to share with you some things that I thought about while reviewing and pondering this 2011 College Football Season.

I like Mark Richt. Stoic. Unemotional on the sideline. He’s taken a lot of heat over the years because he’s “unemotional” and doesn’t get “fired up” on the sidelines. For those who think this is what wins championships and ballgames think about this. I never remember Bear Bryant or Vince Dooley doing cartwheels on the sidelines and those two gentlemen did a pretty respectable job over their tenures.

I like the workmanlike attitude of the Alabama Crimson Tide. I seldom, if ever, saw the chest thumping and self adulation after making a play by any of Nick Saban’s team.
Play like you been there before. That kind of sums it up

I like the traditions of football in the South.
They’re still alive and will probably live on until the end of time.
The tailgating.
Howard’s Rock at Clemson.
Toomer’s Corner in Auburn.
The Grove at Oxford.
UGA, the great mascot of the University of Georgia.
Revered symbols of Southern tradition. We can’t celebrate the old South without offending the politically correct, but we can, by God, beat the snot out of your football team and send you back up North or out West with your tail between your legs. Maybe this is what was meant by that saying, “The South shall rise again.” It has.

I like Saturdays in the South. Not all of us can go to Athens, Atlanta, Gainesville, or Columbia. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t loyal fans. As someone should have said, “We cling to our Bibles and Guns…. and our favorite college football teams.” We work the fields or cut the lawns, rake the leaves and wash the cars, around the most sacred time of the week; Kickoff.

I like my boys. They’re not big jocks. They weren’t overachieving athletes in High School.
In fact, my two oldest only played baseball in their High School days. The youngest played a little peewee football and seemed to have a knack for it but never pursued it as he got older. My oldest and youngest are Bulldog fans. My middle son is a Tech fan. I’m split between the two. But, the bottom line, and most important thing is that they are all college football fans.
No matter how much of a strained relationship that we may have had from time to time while they were growing up, we always had that common bond of College Football. College Football has been described as a religion here in the South, and that’s true. But it’s more. It is a meeting place for us to share joy, or make peace with each other after a terrible disagreement. It’s a bond between fathers and sons. Mothers and daughters. Parents and kids.

Well, that’s about all I’ve got for this week. I hope I haven’t bored you with some of my personal insights. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,

As a leading advocate for college athletics and collegiate activities, I felt compelled to send you a note of explanation for why the prestigious institution of higher learning that I represent has decided not to play the National Anthem prior to sporting events.

We here at Goshen College, are representatives of the Mennonite church. We have a pacifist outlook on life and conduct ourselves by staying true to those pacifist traditions. We utterly abhor violence and aggression. You see, we feel that it is against our principles to use war as a way of defending our country. We could use much more civil and humane ways of defense to do so. For example, if Canada were to try to invade our sovereign nation, we propose that all Marines and Soldiers line up at the border and hold hands. Canada’s troops would do the same. At this point the opposing “warriors” would play a rousing game of Red Rover!!!

No one would get hurt, save a few strained biceps but it would be completely safe and act as a team building exercise between our two nations. As a matter of fact, in light of our pacifist traditions, we recently proposed some rule changes to the NCAA regarding the violence exhibited on the football field.
One of those was that rather than tackling an opponent who is carrying the ball, that we instead have a defender impede the progress of an opposing running back, ask him to lay down in a prone position, and then have said defender lay gently atop said offensive player. This will instill a kind of gentle aura to the heretofore violent nature of this game.

I hope you understand and support our position.

Thank You
Jim Brenneman
President
Goshen College

A: To tell you the truth……
I had a difficult time reading your email with my Gay-Dar going off…

Q: MR WIZARD!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!
Have you been watching those NFL games on the television?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY DREAMBOAT AND ALL TIME LOVE OF MY LIFE MR TIM TEEBOW DO HIS THANG!!!!???? Lordy, I caint hardly stand myself right now!!!

I watched that Broncos and Chicargo game and just about tee-teed in my paints I was so EXCITED!!! He went and won hisself another one of those big games!!! And do you know what else? Well, let me tell you because I betcha don’t!! Remember that lady comedic girl Mrs Carol Burnett? Remember how she’d go to tuggin and pullin on her ear at the end of her show to give a shout out or say howdy to somebody special?

Well, guess what my momma Raylene told me?? She said that whenever my darling and sugar dumpling Tim Tebow went to wiping his nose that it was a special SHOUT OUT TO ME!!!!!

I sat there Sunday glued to my TV set and he musta wiped his nose about a dozen times!!! Did you see???? AND THAT WAS FOR ME!!!!! I get goose pimples just thinking about that!!!

The only thing that kinda concerned me was that there was a couple of times that he actually stuck a finger in his nose. Do you suppose that means what I think it means? I mean I’m not that kinda girl and he’s a fine young man and I don’t think he’d do such a thing when we barely know each other. But then, I got to thinkin about that Presdent we had by the name of Bill Clinton when he got in that trouble with that little secretary girl Marsha Lowenstien and how he said that some things folks do to each other aint really sex and I just don’t know.

Mr Wizard, do you think that Tim Tebow wants to perform some carnal act of nature on me? Please let me know. I don’t want to get knocked up and be a unwed mother.

Our trailer house aint quite big enough for another baby. I’m depending on you Mr Wizard!!!

Tracy in Homassassa

A: Before you get too lathered up Tracy, have you asked Santa for your Timmy this Christmas?

Q: Dear Jackass

I can’t believe somebody hasn’t run your dumbass out of town over all the crap you write about some football teams, there must be a whole bunch of folks from Trojans to War Eagles that would like to string you up!

You must have more enemies than Iran by now; do you have to leave your house in a disguise to go to the grocery store? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Anonymous – Columbus, Ohio

A: Well “Anonymous” it’s a lot like when Johnny Cash sings….
“Wanted man in California,
Wanted man in Buffalo
Wanted man in Kansas City,
Wanted man in Ohio

Wanted man in Mississippi,
Wanted man in ole’ Cheyenne

Wherever you might look tonight you might see this wanted man

I might be in Colorado,
Or Georgia by the sea
Working for some man who may not know who I might be

If you ever see me coming and if you know who I am

Don’t you breathe it to nobody ’cause you know I’m on the lamb.”

EDITORS NOTE: Anytime I can work in a Johnny Cash quote it’s going to be a good day

THE 2011 CFB WIZARD AWARDS

The Michael Jackson Never Land Ranch Award

The winner of this award goes to former Penn State Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky for reasons that should be abundantly obvious.

EDITORS NOTE: Like you I have read several articles from a number of publications that stated that the other coaches on the Penn State staff, to include the head coach “should have known” something was going on with Jerry Sandusky.

I am confused by such comments and I will tell you why…
Because it’s very difficult to say what goes on with someone when you are not at work with them, even if you work long hours together over long periods of time.

If someone you work with has a drinking problem, you might, on an occasion smell alcohol on their breath, but in this case I would think it would be more difficult to detect the smell of cotton candy and ten year old boy butt.

I’m sorry, Too soon?

Santa’s Little Helper Award

This is a new award is presented to that college football team or individual that has exhibited the ability to touch lives around the country through their work “Off the Football Field”

The first recipient of this very important award goes to none other than…..

Former Ohio State Buckeye Coach Jim Tressel for his extensive and noteworthy performance in the popular children’s Christmas Program “Santa Opens a Tattoo Parlor”.

Congratulations Jim!

Quotable Coach of the Year Trophy

The winner of the “Coach’s Quote of the Year Trophy” goes to Montana Tech Coach Bob Green when he said; “Those guys we are playing this week are rougher than a Pine Cone toilet seat”

Enjoy a few more classic sound bites from Coach Green here, they are priceless.
Click on the picture and enjoy….

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Two Bits, Four Bits, Six Bits a Dollar everyone that has a head coach whose wife looks like a ten dollar hooker stand up and Holler Award

This unusual Award goes to none other than the Arizona Wildcats for hiring Rich Rodriguez who felt obligated to bring his wife Rita to the “Welcome to Arizona” news conference.

And although Rita Rod was dressed more like a five dollar crack whore, she was the closest contestant to winning this prestigious honor.

Who am I kidding she was the only one in the running.

Congratulations, I think

The Ebonics Geography Award

This prestigious award goes to the team and or conference that exhibits a complete lack of geographical awareness and the winner is…..

The Big East Conference

Who recently added Boise State, San Diego State, Houston, SMU and Central Florida to their (BIG EAST) conference and unless I missed something there isn’t anything “EAST” about any of the teams mentioned above.

Newest Catch Phrase that can be used in Almost Any Situation Award

The latest “catch phrase” that can be used in almost any situation:

“The Monkey Turd fell off the Cheese”

As in….

Stanford’s Andrew Luck looked like he was going to win the Heisman Trophy and then his Monkey Turd fell off the cheese”

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me for this phrase, it’s what I do. I’m a trend setter.

Mystery of the Year Award

This Award sponsored in part by Agatha Christie goes to none other than the Kansas Jayhawks who have created quite the mystery by making us all wonder…..

Is there a minimum weight requirement to be the head football Coach at Kansas?

Lewis Grizzard Award for Media Savvy and Abstract Thought

This award named after the greatest Southern humorist that ever lived…..

The award goes to the former Head Coach of Coastal Carolina Bennett Presser for this post game news conference this past season which quickly became a YouTube sensation.

Sadly the University let Coach Presser go at the end of the season after posting a 7 -5 record, but his words will live forever in our hearts.

Click here to view the embedded video.

That Drunk Guy at the Game Award

This award is given annually to the guy who best represents his or her University or college as the most obnoxious or stupid representative of their fine institution while under the influence of alcohol at a college football game.

The runner-up in a very close contest…..
From burning their own respective couches to tackling trashcans, the Mighty West Virginia Mountaineer Fans are always in the running for this award.

Click here to view the embedded video.

And the Winner is…..

This Ohio State Fan representin’ the Buckeyes.
This example of excellence in over intoxication will forever be remembered for his efforts and the indelible stains left on the floor. AND, he gives Ohio State a big win in SOMETHING this year, so congratulations!

Frankly the video is simply to gross to show….
But suffice to say I think at some point we have all seen vomit….

How Proud his parents must be….
Now THAT is money well spent on a quality education!

The National Spelling Bee Award

The Winner is……
Auburn University for their perennial prowess in misspelling their own name

The Phil Fulmer Award sponsored by Krispy Kreme

This award goes to Kansas Jayhawk Coach Charlie Weiss who continues to defy the forces of nature and gravity by eating his weight in Ding Dongs, Hot Dogs and Bear Claws on a daily basis.

The Worst Mascot in Collegiate Sports Award

I really don’t see any University ever unseating the Geoducks of Evergreen State for this award.

That mascot looks like ah, well you know…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

The “Our Cheerleaders Are Also On The Scout Team” Award

This award goes to those precious girls roaming the sidelines of Georgia’s Sanford Stadium. This Bulldog eye candy is 100% Prime Cut Beef and will kick your ass if you don’t stand up for the National Anthem.

The Collard Greens Award for Southern Sports Writing presented by the Demopolis Alabama Agriculture Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama.

Modesty prevents me from telling you the first four time winner of this prestigious award in Southern Sports writing is none other than Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

Your adulation embarrasses me…

Have a Great Weekend…
Your first installment on the Bowl picks will be out tomorrow, so stay tuned…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I promised a couple of surprises this Christmas Season…..

And I recognize that these stories don’t have a lot to do with College Football.

But College Football, like certain experiences in life builds character.

God Bless the Characters with Character in your lives this Christmas.

I hope you enjoy this Christmas Story, there are a few more on the way

Enjoy….

SHADOWS and STUKAS

I was nine years old, it was Christmas 1967 and I wanted to fly.

I worked on a farm, tilling the red dirt in Upper Alabama (there is no such thing as “Northern” Alabama) and lived in a state funded household. In other words, as a ward of the state, I lived and worked in a family’s home and they were provided a monetary supplement by the state. I was a hired hand with no wages to be paid.
In this particular case, I worked for Mr. James Lloyd, or “Big Jim”, as he like to be called by other men.

I worked at first light until it was time for me to walk to school.
There was always plenty of work to do.
Immediately following school, I worked until dark, ate supper and went to bed.
The only break to the ritual was during the weekends, when I worked from before the sun came up over the horizon until well after dark.
My days consisted of a lot of work.

I tried to stay in the shadows and keep a low profile during my days on the farm. I was fearful of arousing the wrath of my foster family and in particular that of Mister James Lloyd, I went out of my way to avoid drawing attention to myself. This included school, where I walked the halls in homemade overalls and boots that were well worn and to big for my feet.
I tried very hard to blend in with the scenery and keep to the shadows. Being a “problem” meant getting a beating by Big Jim, and I didn’t want to be a “problem”.

However, in September of that year I saw something in K-Mart that I wanted more than anything in this world. I saw something I had never seen before in my short life.

Glimmering in the light of the store was a Cox gas powered German Stuka airplane. Its coal black gull wings reflected the ceiling lights as it lay on the top shelf. It was the most magnificent thing I had ever seen. Further examination of the craft reveled a cockpit, with a plastic lifelike pilot, real rubber tires, and a bomb attached to the darkened underbelly. The owner of such a fine creation could “actually” fly it. It was a matter of following the instructions, preparing the airplane, starting the engine, and soaring into the sky.
No sacrifice was too great. I had to have this airplane. It cost almost twenty dollars.

For those of you not familiar with this particular line of Cox gas powered airplanes let me take a moment to provide you with just some of the details of this wonderful airplane.
The Stuka had a wingspan of three feet, controlled by two guide wires, which connected to a master handle that allowed the controller or “pilot” to fly the airplane. The propeller had a diameter of approximately eight inches. This was a man’s machine. No doubt about it.

Oblivious to my own safety, I asked Mr. Lloyd for an increase in my allowance for my labor. The state required children who were wards of the state, who worked as farm labor, receive a just compensation for their labors. My “just” compensation came to a dollar a week. I needed more if I was going to get that Stuka.

Big Jim’s initial reaction was something less than positive. By trying to hit me with a shovel and calling me an ungrateful bastard in a rather loud voice, I quickly determined that another course of action was in order.

I figured the only possible way I had to get the Stuka was to save my money and then buy it for myself for Christmas.
I had time to save the money and I was assured of getting something for Christmas. It was a plan that couldn’t fail.

I began hording the money allotted to me for milk during lunch. The money that went to purchasing a milk card once a month now went to the “Stuka Christmas Fund”. Between my dollar a week, milk money and raking the church parking lot and picnic area once a month for a dollar. I would have just enough for the Stuka by Christmas. I had to be very careful and save.

I volunteered to help with carrying the various items just to make the trip to K-Mart, so I could see “my” airplane. It looked more impressive each time I saw it.
When I wasn’t working on the farm, I was fantasizing about flying the magnificent craft. I thought about it all the time. The black Stuka flew all the time in all of my dreams.

I sweated dollar bills and nickels each week. Figuring, and adding to make sure I would have just enough for the present of a lifetime.
Surely this would be something I would cherish, if not for the rest of my life, then certainly for a very long time.

Sometime during Thanksgiving, a drunken Big Jim Lloyd, informed me that I shouldn’t expect anything for Christmas.
I announced that I had saved enough money to purchase a Cox, gas powered Stuka for myself for Christmas, all I needed was a ride to K-Mart so I could purchase it.
I saw a look of total amazement on those faces.
Then good ole Jim offered his words of encouragement; by stating “You won’t be able to fly that damn thing”.
The gauntlet had been thrown. I would fly it and show them all.

I worked and saved and counted my money every week as I had done from the first of September. I was going to have enough money and Big Jim was going to take me to K-Mart the week before Christmas to pick up my Stuka. I could hardly wait for the day to arrive and time seem to crawl until the week before Christmas.

The appointed time finally came around and I can honestly say, that I have never been prouder of a single purchase in my entire life.
It was mine.
All the hard work and saving, was worth all the sacrifice.
That coal black Stuka was mine.
Big Jim drank and sang with the radio all the way back to the farm that Saturday morning and I can’t recall a single thing he may have said.
My eyes were fixed on that wonderful airplane setting in my lap.
I was speechless.

I removed the Flying instructions before I wrapped it and placed it under the tree.
I wanted to memorize every single bolt, nut and pin in that aircraft. I wanted to learn everything before its maiden voyage.

I memorized every detail in the “flying manual”. I knew everything from the starting sequence to the proper angle for landing and how to taxi in a cross wind. I was so ready for Christmas to come. My next step was to convince, or beg if necessary, Big Jim to take me sometime during Christmas to the A&P grocery store parking lot to fly it.

By the time Christmas Eve rolled around I was as anxious as a cat in a rocking chair factory. Christmas Eve passed, with me being fortunate enough to gage Big Jim’s liquor intake to catch him in a joyous mood. He gladly consented to my request to be taken to the grocery parking lot in town on Christmas day.
Everything had fallen into place.

At the crack of dawn I was awake and unceremoniously opened my pre-wrapped Christmas gift. The Stuka was just incredible. I took to the task of preparing her for flight and closely followed all the pre-flight instructions for rigging the plane. In a few short hours I would be in control, flying the Stuka through the cold Christmas morning air.

The rest of the group was soon awake and unwrapping gifts and Big Jim began drinking to chase his hangover away. After a few stiff belts of Old Crow and Coca-Cola Big Jim told me get in the truck and yelled for his son Timmy to get his coat, he was going too.

The ride was cold in the front seat of that old Chevy pick-up truck and although it took nearly half an hour to get to town, I was so very excited to start flying “my” Stuka.

The moment soon arrived when we pulled into the empty parking lot and I grabbed Timmy to assist me and left Big Jim mixing himself another early morning pick me up in the pick up truck.

Due to the cold weather, it took me what I thought was a long time to start the Stuka. We bent over that plane. Timmy would hold the tail section while I gassed the engine and turned the propeller. It would shudder and begin to start and in a moment, the engine would sputter and die.
Big Jim had taken his refreshment to the rear of the vehicle and offered his encouragement by shouting, “It ain’t going to work!” each time the engine would stall.

What seemed like forever, fighting the cold bile of fear in the back of my throat that Big Jim would grow too restless and have us go back to the house without ever having flown, The Stuka’s engine started and sustained a steady rhythmic whine. I still remember how the exhaust smelled that December morning.

The big moment had arrived. The Stuka’s engine was humming loudly, Timmy was holding the tail section of the plane and I had taken the handle with the two control wires firmly in my hand, holding my wrist with the other for extra support. Everything was perfect.

Some moments in life seem to take place simultaneously in slow motion and at warp speed and are remembered in just that way. Often this occurs when expectations and reality of a specific event or circumstances collide, resulting, more often than not, in a victory for reality. Reality, like gravity, will get you every single time.

In my mind, I saw the Stuka taxi in the parking lot, as I tightened the control wires and began walking in a circle, slowly lifting the plane into the sky, climbing in altitude as I controlled every aspect of the aircraft from my single handgrip control. After an extended flight, the Stuka would begin a gradual descent, gently touch its wheels to the asphalt, and taxi to a halt.
Thus ending a perfect maiden flight.

What happened that day began in slow motion. My heart was beating like a lab rabbit. I had a firm grip, on the handgrip and the slack was out of the control wires. I slowly nodded to Timmy to release his hold on the tail section. Rather than the “expected” slow taxi, the Stuka leapt straight into the sky some three feet from Timmy.
In the flash of an instant the Stuka was climbing almost completely vertical to the horizon.
Despite the fact that maybe five seconds had elapsed since Timmy had released the Stuka, I was now firmly in the panic mode and things were moving way too fast.

In one second, using the controller’s handgrip, I attempted an emergency maneuver to bring the plane under control and the next instant it was plunging at hyper speed straight towards the asphalt.

The high whine of the gas powered airplane engine was followed closely by the sound of the Stuka making contact at a high rate of speed with the parking lot. The sudden and complete silence was broken only by pieces of the plane falling back to earth following its rather abrupt stop.

The next few seconds I stood in stunned silence holding the controllers handgrip and watching the guide wires dance in the wind attached to nothing.

My shock was broken when Big Jim yelled, “Pick up what ever is left and lets get home so the rest of us can enjoy our Christmas.” I did as I was told and picked up what was left of my beloved Stuka and placed the remains in an old liquor box.

I held the broken pieces of my dream clutched in my lap on the ride home as Big Jim reminded me that he “knew” that damn thing wasn’t going to fly.

I have never forgotten that Christmas morning and have often retold this story as my favorite and, yes, funniest Christmas adventure.

As I have gotten older, I have had a chance to review and analyze the details surrounding my dream of flying that Cox gas powered Stuka.
I have come to one very important and complete truth.

Big Jim was right about one thing. That Damn thing wasn’t meant to fly.

RTR

MEB

It’s Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer Country in Baneberry Tennessee!

I ain’t been a writing cause I’ve been busier than a dog with two tails to chase.
I done finished up a “Christmas Special” for Dollywood called…
“Who Let the Clogs Out”

And….

I still got “Scooter’s” Bar and Grill in Baneberry and some more stuff I will tell you about later.

But we got to talk serious…..
Cause I am here to bring you the State of the Big Orange Nation Address

State of the Big Orange

If you ain’t a Tennessee Volunteer and if you and your babies don’t drool Orange then you might as well as a stop reading, cause this is all about the Big Orange Nation.

Now I know that we Vols ain’t been winning like we was when the Greatest Coach to ever win a Hot Dog Eating Contest Coach Phillip Fulmer stomped the sidelines, but that damn Lame Kitten done screwed us up when he was here and we is paying the price for that mistake.

Just look at this damn picture…..
You can tell Lame and them two idiots next to him ain’t seen the ball since kickoff.

Lame Kitten didn’t belong in Tennessee anymore than Mike Tyson belongs on “Celebrity Jeopardy” and he recruited some boys that were so dumb….
They couldn’t even spell football if you spotted them the “O’s” and the “L’s”.

I mean how damn dumb do you have to be to rob somebody in broad daylight wearing your Tennessee Vol’s practice uniform? At least Coach Fulmer had the good sense to tell them boys to wear a ski mask.

And that damn Athletic Director we had Mike Hamilton, I could have told you not to trust that goober pea. Never trust a man that looks like a Possum. Every time I seen him on the television he was always acting like he was a hunting a sweet potato, know what I mean?

We now got everything in place; we got us a good football coach and a good athletic director.

Remember, Rome Georgia wasn’t built in a day.

And let me tell, we just ain’t been bit by the “injury bug” this year, it’s been a damn plague.
It’s been so damn bad…..
Coach Dooley had to call some fraternity houses on campus last week to get a damn kicker.

So we Vols have had our selves a mountain to climb this year.

But let me tell you something and listen good.

Although me and that damn CFB Wizard don’t see eye to eye on the college football…
Or anything else for that matter.
I got to admit that ole boy is right about one thing.

We ain’t had no arrests this year of any Tennessee football players, not one.

I can’t remember the last time we didn’t have something going on with the Knoxville PD, the Knoxville Fire Department, the Tennessee Highway Patrol, DEA, ATF or the Coast Guard.

Can you?

Which goes to show you that Coach Dooley ain’t putting up with that kind of foolishness.

And I for one am glad and you should be too.

So let’s be patient Big Orange Fans

And let me say a few more things, about yawl that is frustrated and raising ten kinds of Hell about this football season getting liquored up in “Scooter’s” which is my Bar in Grill right here in Baneberry Tennessee.

Show your Tennessee Volunteer Big Orange Spirit!

To show my Volunteer Pride me and my bride (The former Miss Thelma Stroderback who is a hand model for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store, jealous?) went and done decorated our house, hell yeah we done it! And we went whole Hog; we matched the truck with the house, that’s cool as hell ain’t it?

I will tell you something else. The Coaches we got now ain’t just cleaning up the football program, they is cleaning up the football players too.

Don’t you start a laughing about this neither, have you ever been around some ole sweating fellow that’s been a working and a sweating all day? It smells like my Mother-in-laws Tuna Noodle Helper Spam Loaf Casserole, which she is supposed to bring over for Thanksgiving this year.
I could damn near throw up just a thinking about it.

So let’s get behind the Big Orange this year Volunteer Fans, there is plenty of football left to be played and if we win the rest of the games we is going Bowling!

It’s like the sign in the Volunteer locker room says….

BELIEVE IT!

GO VOLS!

Hootie-Out!

Forgive me for a moment….

My friends I am beginning to feel a little old….
Not that I think I am …
Far from it….

But unfortunately I can see it from where I am….
But that’s not the point of this story…

Last week I received a letter from one of the high schools I attended…
No point in going through all that here…
But if you’re keeping count the number is six (6) different high schools
In three (3) different states

EDITORS NOTE: It’s a long story and not important to discuss here.
It has more to do with a “checkered” background than it does with anything else…
And before you ask….

Yes I graduated on time, it’s not like I was 24 when I graduated…
Which by the way…
In Tennessee is considered a “genius”…

The letter in question was from a high school I attended once and they wanted me to attend a particular home game this season (in the old home stadium) were they “expect” an old football record, or soon to be old record of mine to fall to a current student athlete.

Don’t get me wrong…
It’s not like I am Roger Maris or Mickey Mantle and any of my records can’t be broken…
Not that I feel theirs have been legitimately broken…
But that is another story for another time..

But it’s not about some record..
I am not that vain….

Because rules like records are meant to be broken…

And not that I have thought much about it
I don’t get back to that particular town very often…

I wish I could…
I owe them…..
The people in that little town loved a poor kid that didn’t have anything but a dream…
And they cheered for him…
Like it was their job….
I will never forget it…

Sure….
I have had other records broken over time….
And I have attended those events with friends and former players, because I feel it’s important to pass the torch and let that person know they have accomplished something important.
On an occasion they even let me present the ball to the player that broke a particular record

But this one hit me a little different…

Not that I begrudge the young man…
I don’t….
He had to have worked hard for it…
I know his momma and daddy have to be proud..
I am proud for him….

It’s that the “invitation” wanted to know….
If I needed “any assistance” getting to the stadium or needed…
a…
Wheel chair…
Or..
“Special assistance”…

Maybe I am being too sensitive about this….
But I am checking that states current rules for eligibility….

I still have a hundred yard game left in me….
I promise you that…

Now where is that Geritol….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Being this close to Halloween I would have to say last week was more “Tricks” than “Treats” particularly if you were a Wisconsin Badger or an Oklahoma Sooner.

Those folks must feel like Charlie Brown with a Halloween sack full of rocks.

I know the feeling….

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 49 and 14 or 78%
(I know, I’m upset about it myself)

That leaves me at 449 and 107 or 81% after Eight Weeks of College Football.

Enough about me…

We have a lot to discuss this week, so let’s get to it

Enjoy your Picks…..

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAY OF THE WEEK

A loyal reader sent this request in for the “Play of the Week” and added….

“Thank you Michigan State. Love the Tiger from Clemson”

If you haven’t seen this one, then you don’t know what you missed.

Enjoy the replay…

Click here to view the embedded video.

HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP

My friends Halloween is right around the corner and unfortunately this happy occasion for the “little ones” can turn deadly if the proper precautions are not taken.

I am talking about (of course) the potential close encounter of the “ugly kind” your children could have with former University of Tennessee football coach Phil “The Pumpkin” Fulmer.

As you should know by now, this is the time of the year that the “Great Pumpkin” aka Phil Fulmer will rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat small to medium size children of all ages.

There is no need to fear….

By taking the proper precautions you can eliminate any potential problems and be worry free this Halloween, while the youngsters enjoy their tasty treats given to them by complete strangers.

Parents, remember Phil Fulmer is the third largest mammal walking upright so he won’t be difficult to spot, however he is a “master of disguises” so here is what you need to look out for when you answer your door.

Anyone who comes to your door who is dressed like “Shamu” the killer whale that is also the same size as Shamu could possibly be Fat Phil the child eater.

Anyone who comes to your door or who is seen in your neighborhood appearing in a “costume” that is the same size of and resembles the State of Kansas could be the Great Pumpkin Phil Fulmer.

If you see him, do not try and subdue him yourself, he is hungry and his appetite for anything sweet is ferocious. The fact that you have been handling candy all evening could result in the loss of an arm if you attempt to stop him.

If you suspect Phil Fulmer is lurking around take these simple precautions and all will be well.

Simply yell “Roll Tide!” or “Go Gators!” and he will begin to run (or waddle as the case may be…) and then call your local Animal Control Authorities who will dart him down.

I hope you all have a very safe and enjoyable Halloween
(No need to thank me, it’s what I do)

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, our hometown heroes, the Telfair Trojans, took it on the chin again this week with a 53-7 home loss against the powerful Clinch County Panthers. Although the score doesn’t reflect the fight and grit these kids put into this game, they played their hearts out. Big Blue was led on the ground by Austin Ban who had 93 yards on the ground to go with a 97 yard run and a touchdown and on defense by Zak Pitt who had 7 tackles. The Trojans will no doubt pick themselves up and dust themselves off as they get ready to take on the Lanier County Bulldogs down in Lakeland Georgia in a big Region 2-A showdown. The Bulldogs are 3-3 in the Region and sport a 5-3 overall record. While the Blue Clad Boys dropped to 1-8 on the season, there is no doubt plenty of fight left in these kids and hope to come away with a win.

Up in Athens, the Home State Hounds took a much deserved week off and are preparing for the annual showdown in Jacksonville, Fl against the hated reptiles from Gainesville. This is a much anticipated matchup in which the Red Clay Dogs are sporting a 5 game winning streak and hope to take momentum and Lady Luck with them to the River City to send the Gators back to the Swamp smarting from a sound beating. The Georgians are more than eager to avenge some bittersweet moments at the event know as “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” and partake of a champagne celebration. Mark Richt, who has been feeling a little discomfort this season, could quell a lot of dissent among the Bulldog Nation with a win, so there’s plenty of motivation on the coaching staff to have a good showing.

Speaking of good showings, the North Avenue Trade School didn’t quite calculate the outcome of their debacle down in Coral Gables. The Bumble Bees pretty much bumbled along on offense all day as they came out on the short end of a 24-7 score which gave them 2 straight losses. This isn’t the “U” of Irvin and Sapp folks. This Hurri-chain-gang team is just trying to get back to respectability and pretty much dis-respected the Jackets as they held them to season lows in numerous offensive categories. Next up for the Wreck is Clemson. Yes, that was an intentional metaphorical statement because the way the Tigers have been playing, this team won’t make it back down I-85 without getting some major engine and body work done on them after this game.

And over in Statesboro at the House that Erk Built, the undefeated Eagles of Georgia Southern maintained their hold on the number 1 ranking in FCS football with a sacrilegious ritual thrashing of the Presbyterian Blue Hose. The resident denizens of “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America” erupted for 31 points in the 2nd quarter as they tore through these Sad Stockings like a porcupine through a pair of grandma’s panty hose in the 41-14 win. The next stop for GSU is a trip North to Happ Brewer Stadium to take on arch rival Appalachian State. There is no love lost here as the Mountaineers will be looking to avenge last year’s 21-14 Overtime loss to the Eagles to bring their tenure as the number 1 FCS team in the country to an end.

Over in T-town, the Tide turned back the Tennessee Coon-skinners by a 37-6 score. The Red Elephants were somewhat quiet in the first half as evidenced by a 6-6 score at the half. However, Nick Saban must have had quite the pep talk at halftime as the Alabamians erupted for 31 second half points to put the game out of reach.

In Baton Rouge, the Bayou Bengals proved who really is the Big Cat in the SEC West by dominating the listless felines of Auburn by a margin of 45-10. By the time the final gun sounded you would have thought that the visiting Eagles had flown into a window as they staggered out of the stadium completely plucked. One thing this reporter noted was the subtle use of an Obama head shot poster to signal something in to the Auburn quarterback. After much head scratching, it became obvious what the signal meant: “Change” the play and “Hope” it works. It’s obviously not 2010 anymore down on the plains.

So, now we have set the tone for the Showdown in T-Town.
A Battle of Epic Proportions.
A no-hold bars death match between the two behemoths of the SEC.
Yes, it’s Alabama hosting LSU in a Game of the Century to determine SEC supremacy, and likely, who will advance to the National Championship game.
Mark Nov 5th down on your calendars ladies and gentlemen.
Both teams have byes this week, no doubt as the Evil Genius and Mad Hatter scheme and plot for the big showdown.

Over at Clemson, SC the Dabo Swinney’s Tigers succeeded in kicking a mountain goat off of the mountain by unleashing young Tajh Boyd, Sammy Watkins, and company and taking a 59-38 win. The Baby Blue clad Heels were on a slippery slope early as the Orange Cats were comfortably on top with a 59-24 lead at the end of the 3rd period. A couple of late touchdowns made it a little more respectable but it looks to me like there’s a ticking time bomb in the Upstate of South Carolina, waiting to explode onto the BCS scene.

In the battle of the “over”rateds, the USC Trogladytes upended the Doomers from South Bend by a 31-17 score. And why do we care? Because their little rivalry game adds to the pageantry of a competitor from a lesser conference taking on a has been who the media loves to boost to lofty positions, only to have their Fannies smacked by the SEC come bowl time.

And now it’s time for the weekly Peach State Prognostication. The Dogs didn’t even play this past weekend to have a better showing than the Calculator Bandits. The Technical Institute is struggling mightily and the year end game to close out the season looks like it could turn into something akin to a bully taking away a playmates toy. The pendulum has clearly swung back in favor of Georgia, but there’s still a lot of football to be played between now and November 26th. I’m sure Paul Johnson is as puzzled by the latest developments but if he doesn’t right the ship, there’s going to be a train wreck on I-75. That would leave a bad taste in the mouths of Jacket fans that a chili dog and lemonade from the Varsity won’t take out. Georgia is no offensive juggernaut by a long-shot, but they’ve got enough. Georgia 35-10.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,

As the governor of the Great State of West Virginia, I feel it my duty to “get the word out” and announce a change to a recently enacted law.
The law, known as the Couch Restraint Anti-burning Protocol (CRAP), was passed to try to prevent sporadic fires from sprouting up in all parts of Morgantown and other cities after wins by the prestigious University of West Virginia.

Although, we never had any casualties, we were concerned with the atmospheric emissions and foul odors by various types of sofas being set aflame. We didn’t feel that love seats or settees were as offensive as others. Sectionals were found to be the most offensive combustibles as different parts of this furniture piece could be piled on the charred remnants of pieces previously burned.

However, due to much public outcry from the citizenry of this great state, we have amended the law as long as burning is done in a responsible manner and in limited circumstances.

First, the only type of furniture that may be burned from this point on will be easy chairs, recliners, and lawn furniture. This will help eliminate the possibility of a rampant wild “sofa” fire getting out of control.

Second, lying on a sofa while it is being consumed by flames will no longer be tolerated.

Third, the above mentioned celebrations will be limited to games played against top 25 teams that result in a win of over 21 points.

This should satisfy the denizens and fans of our great football team and, if applied in a safe manner, result in a celebration worthy of the pride of the Great State of West Virginia.

Sincerely,
Earl Ray Tomblin
Governor
West Virginia.

A: Thank you for writing your Governorship

Q: DEAR MR WiZARD,

FiRST oFF SoRRy BouT All ThESE CApTAl lETTERS BuT SomEThin BAD hAppEnED To my CompuTER ThE lAST TimE I WEnT To MACDonAlDS. By ThE WAy, hAVE you EVER TRiED To TAkE onE A ThoSE DESk Top CompuTERS AnD A BiG olE moniToR AnD kEyBoARD ThAnGS in ThE BACk oF A pickup up To SomEplACE WiTh ThAT FREE WiFi STuFF? IF iT DonT GET BRokE, iTS DAnG hEAVy AS ThE DiCkEnS. WEll, WhAT hAppEnED WAS I WAS EATin my pAnCAkES AnD SyRup AnD SAW ThAT liTTlE EmA JEAn BuSTEmillER WAlk in WiTh ThiS liTTlE olD Skimpy Bikini Swimmin SuiT on AnD I DRoppED my ElBoW RiGhT on ThA EDGE A my plATE. WEll, ThAT DAnG ThAnG FlippED up AnD lAnDED RiGT on ThE SiDE A my kEyBoARD AnD EVER SinCE All ThEm DAnG BuTTonS on ThE lEFT SiDE oF iT BEEn Typin CApiTAl lETTERS EVERy TimE I WRiTE SomEThin CAuSE I CAnT GET Tha SyRup ouT. AnyWAys, I GoT mE a QuESTion AnD iTs A DooZy. Do you ThAnk ARE CoACh, MR MARk Rik iS GonnA GET FiRED AFoRE ThA EnDA ThE SEASon? Im juST WonDERin CAuSE EVERBoDy WAnTS him GonE AnD ThATD juST lEAVE BoBo and ThA DEFEnSER Guy. Well ThAT SET mE TA Thinkin BouT WhoD TAkE oVER CAuSE EVERBoDy WAnTS ThEm GonE Too!! WhATChA ThAnk MR WiZARD?

GO DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
LEmuEl in LuDoWiCi

PS – CAn you Tell mE SomEWhERE I CAn GET my DAlE CompuTer FiXED. ThERES A BunChA FolkS DoWn hERE lAuGhinG AT mE SAyin ThERE AinT no SuChA ThAnG AS A DAlE AnD ThAT iTS SupposTABE A DEll. WEll DAlE iS pAinTED on hERE AS puRTy AS you please So ThEy DonT knoW WhAT ThEyS TAlkin BouT.

A: Lemuel for the love of God, get that computer fixed, this email gave me a damn headache.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN’S MARK MAY: I guess there is a first time for everything….

I actually agreed with ESPN’s Mark May last weekend when he said….

“Missouri is acting like they actually have something to offer the Southeastern Conference, they haven’t done anything in the conference they are in so why are they acting like the pretty girl at the school dance when they clearly aren’t”

ESPN’S LOU HOLTZ: The pearl of wisdom above was quickly followed by Coach Lou saying..

“I don’t care what you say Mark, today’s game between Southern California and the Fighting Irish is the biggest game of the day, they have played each other every year since 1825….”

EDITORS NOTE: What? 1825? Coach you must have that confused with the year you graduated High School but in all fairness, the above quote from Coach Lou was translated by the CFB Wizard Staff from a recording of the Game Day Studio telecast. So a mistake on “our” part is “possible” here. After all the original recording of Coach Lou sounded like this….

“I don’t sssshhhhhhhhhhhh whatsssssssss you shayssssssssss todayssssssssss (tremendous spitting sound) the (inaudible sound) between the ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhouthern Californiassssssssss Trojanss (repetitive spitting sounds) and the Fighting Irishhhhhhhhhhhhhsssssssss (gurgling spitting sounds) biggestss game day played (inaudible sound) sishhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (inaudible sound) 1825”

This of course was followed by Mark May’s voice in the background saying…
“Will someone please get me a towel Coach spit on me again!”

ILLINOIS: It’s too damn close to Halloween for the Fighting Pumpkins to be losing.

What the hell is going on up there?

UAB: If you all haven’t done so already…..

Get your winter coats out; Hell has indeed frozen over……

The Blazers won a game last week

THE BIG EAST: It’s official the Big East Conference is openly recruiting Schools from around the country to join their conference, their “recruiting poster” is popping up everywhere and it is very catchy, don’t you think?

I found this one in my mailbox attached to a Hardee’s Flyer…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I don’t give a Shillelagh that you won some damn crooked stick

CARSON NEWMAN: I never thought I would say this….

There is no Spark left in this year’s once Mighty Eagles

TEXAS TECH: Last week I wrote….

“So Red Raider fans…..
How do you like that Coach Tommy Tub now?
If he is a “defensive genius” then I’m a Polish Astronaut”

I am now legally changing my name to Buzz O’Branowitz

Congratulations Red Raiders….

DELTA STATE: Congratulations to the Mighty Fighting Okra for frying the Blazers of Valdosta State last week to remain the Number One Team in Division II College Football.

ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: This past Saturday was Coach Lee Corso’s 200th Head Gear Pick on College Game Day. Win or Lose Coach, we love you and Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

DELAWARE: You lost to Rhode Island last week….

Those damn people don’t live on an island so you lost to a bunch of liars, I hope you are happy

TENNESSEE: This prognostication has nothing to do with last week’s game….

Next year’s game between the Tennessee Volunteers and the Florida Gators…

Will determine who will win the SEC Eastern Division….Believe it.

SOUTHERN MISS: I should never have gone against the Golden Eagles in Hattiesburg….

Even if they were playing the Mighty Mustangs.

Great win Eagles….

OKLAHOMA: Oops…………

WISCONSIN: Badgers please see “Oklahoma” above and add “Damn It”

HASKELL INDIAN NATIONS UNIVERSITY: The Indians of Haskell Indian Nations University are having a tough season and currently haven’t won a game this year.

But in Haskell Memorial Stadium in Lawrence Kansas I hear the footsteps of Legends.

On that natural grass field the Greatest Athlete the World has ever seen used to run…

Before he went to Carlisle Indian School in Carlisle Pennsylvania

It was the Home to The Great Jim Thorpe

I can’t forget it and I hope they don’t either

THE GAMES

Wednesday October 26th

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
I have a “good feeling” about this one
Call it Prognosticators Intuition.
PANTHERS 35-20

Thursday October 27th

Rice at Houston
This Rivalry in the Great City of Houston is a Big One
It’s played for the “Bayou Bucket”
This one is easy
MIGHTY COUGARS 55-10

North Alabama at West Alabama
This clash in Alabama is between two teams trying to claw their way back to the top.
Another loss by either of these teams and they won’t make the Division II Playoffs.
This game is THAT Important
FLORENCE LIONS 33-21

Virginia at Miami
The Hurricanes have proven they still have some wind left in their sails and the Cavaliers are picking up speed. It should be a good one…
HURRICANES 28-24

Friday October 28th

Brigham Young at Texas Christian
The Cougars will get skinned in Cow Town, Believe it
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Saturday October 29th

UAB at Marshall
Can the Blazers win “two” games in a row?
I have three words for you…
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-17

North Carolina State at Florida State
It is physically impossible for a pack of wolves to outrun Chief Osceola on Horseback.
I know this because I saw it on the History Channel, so it has to be true.
SEMINOLES 38-17

Purdue at Michigan
I love these Big Ten (or Twelve) Rivalries, don’t you?
This one is played for the coveted “Hagfish Trophy”
Which interestingly enough, was inspired by and designed after seeing former Michigan Wolverine Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita” in a swimsuit.
WOLVERINES 38-14

Drake at Marist
That Drake Boy can talk all the smack he wants to about this game.
It doesn’t change the fact that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOXES 28-20

Juniata at McDaniel
It’s a sad world we live in when Ronald McDonald’s half brother McDaniel would rather mess with Juanita than try and help his half brother catch the Ham Burglar.
J-LO 24-17

Northwestern at Indiana
I can’t get enough of these Big Ten or whatever Rivalries.
This one is played each year for the prestigious “Catfish Bucket” signifying between these two bottom feeders of their conference which team doesn’t suck as bad as the other team.
WILDCATS 24-17

Central Michigan at Akron
I can’t wait to see this game!
I have never seen a Chippewa ride Rocket and before you ask…
“Yes” I am that easily amused
RICKEY ROCKET 33-28

Syracuse at Louisville
Otto laid the Orange on the Mountaineer’s last week and the Cardinal’s shocked the Jersey Boys
I am going for the upset in this one
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 24-21

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
The Commodores will get sunk by the Hungry Hogs in Music City.
HAWGZILLA’S 43-17

Virginia Tech at Duke
Last night the Blue Devils cancelled their pep rally for this game due to lack of interest.
Enough Said…
HOKEY POKEYS 33-10

Alabama A&M and Alabama State
Legion Field Birmingham Alabama
This Alabama Rivalry is called the “The Magic City Classic”
And it always lives up to the name and the hype
This game is the Biggest one yet, one team is number one and the other team is in the top 5…
This one is going to be close, real close
HORNETS 28-24

Salve Regina at Plymouth State
The Yugoslavian beauty took down the Mississippi Institute of Technology last week…
I am betting she still has enough spunk left to take care the Plymouth Boys..
Do they even make Plymouth’s anymore?
SWEET SALVE 31-17

Bowling Green at Kent State
This Rivalry in the Buckeye State honors the state highways separating the two universities.
It’s played for the “Chuck Hole Award” sponsored by the Ohio Department of Transportation
FALCONS 28-24

Virginia Military Academy at Citadel
This rivalry between two military colleges has been played every year since 1920….
It’s called “The Military Classic of the South” and it’s played for “the Silver Shako”
I have a question….
Why in the world would they want to play for a bait fish?
KEYDETS 21-17

Furman at Chattanooga
In case you didn’t know…..
Chattanooga is the Home of the Moon Pie
That’s good enough for me here
MIGHTY MOC’S 34-28

Ball State at Western Michigan
The Bronco’s are fading fast and the Cardinal’s won’t quit.
This one will still be closer than you might think
CARDINAL’S 33-31

Murray State at Eastern Kentucky
I have never liked the Colonels from Eastern and I’m not about to start now.
PACERS 31-17

Air Force at New Mexico
I don’t know what has happened to these two teams
The United States Air Force has been dropping duds and the Lobos are playing like Hobos
This one is a toss-up
FALCONS 24-17

Idaho State at Montana State
The “Ben Gals” have “Been Gone” since the season kicked off…
BOBCATS 38-14

Boston College at Maryland
I would watch this game but watching Maryland’s Fighting Linoleum Kitchen Tiles uniforms on the big screen gives me vertigo, sorry….
LINOLEUM TILE TURTLES 28-24

Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
The Eagles of Southern maintain their Number 1 ranking after this game, but just by the hair of their chinny chin chins.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-31

EDITORS NOTE: The “Chinny Chin Chin” comment above was not intended as a reference to any Asian peoples living or deceased or any characters from the wildly popular television program “Kung Fu” So don’t send me any nasty emails or I will pluck the pebble out of your hand Grasshopper.

Susquehanna at Franklin Marshall
I don’t think Frank knows what he is getting into here….
Susie just got her hair done at the Beauty Parlor
You don’t mess with a woman after she just got her hair done, even I know that
SUSIE Q 24-21

Washington State at Oregon
How can I but this gently?
The Cougars suck more than a Hoover Nuclear Vacuum Cleaner
Sorry, that’s as gentle as I know how to say it.
QUACKS 156-3

Weber State at Montana
I sincerely believe the Folks at Weber Grills make the best Outdoor Grills on the Planet.
And I am thrilled that they have their own college….
But that of course has nothing what so ever to do with this game.
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-10

Navy at Notre Dame
I would watch this game on NBC, which of course stands for “Nothing But Catholics” but there is a Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” marathon on TBS at the same time.
Did you ever notice Kenny gets younger looking by “The Gambler Part VII: Brady Hawkes and the Temple of Doom”? Never mind….
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Missouri at Texas A&M
Two teams that couldn’t spell “Defense” if you built them a Fence and gave them a “D”.
If you like offense, this is your game
GIG EM AGGIES 44-38

Baylor at Oklahoma State
You know what they say in Texas don’t you?
“It Sucks to B U”
COWBOY UP! 43-24

West Virginia at Rutgers
Neither of these teams wins when they are favored and neither of them loses when they are an underdog. But I do like to see a nice sofa on fire……
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-17

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Please don’t question my logic in this one, because I have none.
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Oklahoma at Kansas State
This Game in the Big 12 (Light…) is going to separate the Contenders from the Pretenders
It’s going to be closer than you might think
BOOMER SOONERS 28-21

Wake Forest at North Carolina
This Instate Rivalry along Tobacco Road is always a Brawl, even if it doesn’t mean anything.
HEELS of TAR 28-24

Tulane at East Carolina
By the time this game comes on Kenny Rogers in “The Gambler Part XIII: Brady Hawkes and The Botox Gamble” will be on so I can’t watch it, sorry.
PIRATES 28-17

Hamline at St Olaf
In the words of that famous urban philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“It’s Hammy Time”
ST OLIES 33-13

Florida at Georgia
With all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams…
This IS and will ALWAYS be….
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Don’t leave your seats, this one is going to be really close
DAWGS 28-24

Iowa at Minnesota
This Rivalry game in the Big Ten (something) is my favorite of all their Rivalry games.
It’s played for the coveted “Floyd of Rosedale” Trophy (Pictured below)

I ask you, who wouldn’t want a big ole pig trophy?
My point exactly.
HAWKEYES 28-17

North Dakota at Northern Colorado
Northern Colorado has some breath taking scenery……
Yep, that’s about it
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 34-17

Memphis at Central Florida
The Boys from O Town (Not the defunct musically challenged Boy band)
Have stumbled as of late, but the good news is I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-13

Hawaii at Idaho
The “Warriors on a Rainbow” invades the Land of the “Ida Honkies”
Sounds like the only thing missing is a “Rainbow Bright” reference
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS ON RAINBOWS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I would pick Hawaii without making a reference to “Dog the Bounty Hunter” did you?

Jackson State at Prairie View A&M
The Prairie is going to get mighty lonesome after the Tigers are finished
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-10

Colorado State at UNLV
Remember what they say….
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas….
Unless it happens to be a fungus that you can’t quite identify”
RAM TOUGH 24-14

Ursinus at Johns Hopkins
I have on “good authority” that the above named visiting school is named after a unique and rare medical condition caused by “sneezing and breaking wind at the same time” causing both a sinus and a urine infection simultaneously.
Consider this your medical tip of the week…
JOHNNY HOP 38-10

Iowa State at Texas Tech
You think I would pick against Tommy Tub and the Red Raiders after last week?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 34-17

Mississippi State at Kentucky
If they let the Wildcats play with a basketball in this game It would be a different story..
Something about that “pointed football” seems to confuse them
BULLY DAWGS 31-14

Ole Miss at Auburn
It’s like the commercial says…..
“Sometimes you feel like a Nutt but at the end of this season they are firing his dumb ass”
WAR DAMN EAGLES 34-21

California at UCLA
This game is scheduled to be on Saturday Night at 2330 EST on ESPN U….
Which unfortunately conflicts with Kenny Rogers in the final installment of the series entitled “The Gambler Part XXVII: Brady Hawkes The Plastic Surgery Gamble”.
I have to watch the entire series, you understand
O’ SO Very GOLDEN BEARS 24-17

Kansas at Texas
Dorothy you aren’t in Kansas anymore….
HOOK EM HORNS 34-17

Brevard at Carson Newman
I still have faith in the once mighty Eagles……
But it is dwindling…
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-24

North Texas at Arkansas State
The Wolves are seeing Red and the Mean Green are rolling.
There is enough color in this game that even a colored blind guy like me can enjoy it.
RED WOLVES 31-28

South Carolina at Tennessee
Remember you heard it here first…..
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
VOWELS 24-21

Nevada at New Mexico State
They need to add a few more light bulbs on the scoreboard for this one…
It has the potential to be a high scoring affair
PACK of WOLVES 43-38

Stanford at Southern California
The one and only reason I am pulling for the Trojans (God have mercy on my soul)
Is because I am sick and tired (exhausted really) of hearing about Andrew Luck of Stanford.
Listen closely….
HE HASN’T PLAYED ANYBODY WORTH A CRAP!
GOT IT?
LAME TROJANS 33-28

Wisconsin at Ohio State
The Buckeyes are in a bit of a Fickled Pickle in this matchup….
But something tells me it’s going to be closer than you might think and could go either way.
BADGERS 28-24

Southern Miss at UTEP
I doubted the Mighty Golden Eagles last week…
I won’t make the same mistake this week.
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-16

Clemson at Georgia Tech
Three weeks ago this game was billed as a “Clash of the Titians…”
They were half right….
There is going to be a clash, but there is only going to be one “Titian” playing in this game
DABO’S TIGERS 43-17

Wyoming at San Diego State
Cowboy Down! Cowboy Down! Cowboy Down!
ANCIENT AZTECS 33-17

Arizona at Washington
I was going to watch this game, but I will be so exhausted from watching all the Kenny Rogers “The Gambler” Movies that I won’t be able to stay up and watch this game which kicks off at 0200 ETS Sunday morning.
WILDCATS 24-17

Michigan State at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn are rested but I can’t go against the Mighty Spartans..
Not after what they did to the Bucky the Badger last week
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 28-24

Illinois at Penn State
Joe Pa’s not scared to smash a Pumpkin, believe me I know what I am talking about here.
JOE’S LIONS 31-24

Oregon State at Utah
Interesting fact in this game…..
When “Leave it to Beaver” was on television both Wally and the Beaver were both two Ute’s.
Bet you didn’t know that
TWO UTES 34-17

Colorado at Arizona State
Again I feel obligated to point out that…..
The Buffalos haven’t won an away game since William McKinley was President
DEVILS of the SUN 43-10

Next week we will have the Heavyweight Match that everyone is talking about

Here is your preview….

Click here to view the embedded video.

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I was traveling recently and was forced to set next to a group of folks from New York City complaining about “Everything in the South” and for the record….

I am convinced that a New York accent is the greatest birth control device known to mankind.

And it occurred to me during this ear rape I was experiencing that I had received an email recently that was perfect for this occasion. I want to share that with you now…

I think it’s just perfect

Enjoy….

This was written by Robert St. John, executive chef and owner of the Purple Parrot Cafe, Crescent City Grill and Mahogany Bar of Hattiesburg, MS.
And for the record those aren’t the only fine restaurants in Mississippi!

My South

Thirty years ago I visited my first cousin in Northern Virginia.
While hanging out with his friend, the discussion turned to popular movies of the day.

When I offered my two-cents on the authenticity and social relevance of the movie Billy Jack, one of the boys asked, in all seriousness; “Do you guys have movie theaters down there?”
To which I replied, “Yep. We wear shoes too.”

Just three years ago, my wife and I were attending a food and wine seminar in Aspen, Colo. We were seated with two couples from Las Vegas. One of the Glitter Gulch gals was amused and downright rude when I described our restaurant as a fine-dining restaurant.

“Mississippi doesn’t have fine-dining restaurants!” she insisted and nudged her companion. I fought back the strong desire to mention that she lived in the land that invented the 99-cent breakfast buffet.

I wanted badly to defend my state, my region, and my restaurant with a 15-minute soliloquy and public relations rant that would surely change her mind. It was at that precise moment that I was hit with a blinding jolt of enlightenment, and in a moment of complete and absolute clarity it dawned on me…..
My South is the best-kept secret in the country.
Why would I try to win this woman over? She might move down here.

I am always amused by Hollywood’s interpretation of the South. We are still, on occasion, depicted as a collective group of sweaty, stupid, backwards-minded, racist rednecks.
The South of movies and TV, the Hollywood South, is not my South.

This is my South:

My South is full of honest, hardworking people. My South is the birthplace of blues and jazz, and rock n’ roll. It has banjo pickers and fiddle players, but it also has BB King, Muddy Waters, the Allman Brothers, Lynyrd Skynyrd , Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Emmylou Harris and a guy named Elvis.

My South is hot. My South smells of newly mowed grass. My South still has kick the can, creek swimming, cane-pole fishing and bird hunting.

In my South, football is King, and the Southeastern Conference is the Kingdom.

My South is home to the most beautiful women on the planet.

In my South, soul food and country cooking are the same thing.

My South is full of fig preserves, cornbread, butter beans, fried chicken, grits and catfish.

In my South, our transistor radios introduced us to the Beatles and the Rolling Stones at the same time they were introduced to the rest of the country.

In my South, grandmothers cook a big lunch every Sunday, so big that we call it dinner
(supper comes later).

In my South, family matters, deeply.

My South is boiled shrimp, blackberry cobbler, peach ice cream, banana pudding and cream pies.

In my South people put peanuts in bottles of Coca-Cola and hot sauce on almost everything.

In my South the tea is iced and almost as sweet as the women.

My South has air-conditioning.

My South is camellias, azaleas, wisteria and hydrangeas.

In my South, the only person that has to sit on the back of the bus is the last person that got on the bus.

In my South, people still say ‘Yes, ma’am,’ ‘No ma’am,’ ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you.’

In my South, we all wear shoes….most of the time.

My South is the best-kept secret in the country.

Please continue to keep the secret. . . .it keeps the idiots away.

Amen Brother

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Last Week (Week 5 if you are keeping count and I know you are) was the equivalent of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator stepping on a rake and getting smacked in the jimmy.

Last week I was a disappointing 46 and 21 or 69%.

I know, I can hardly believe it myself

That leaves Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at 300 and 66 or 82% for the season.

But my lack of productivity last week gives me the opportunity to share with you my Top Three Favorite Excuses on why I didn’t perform up to par in Week 5….

1. The Sun was in my eyes
2. I had a rock in my shoe
3. I don’t play well on artificial turf

Enjoy your Picks….

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

This Week’s High School player(s) of the week:

The Summerville High School Green Wave is a powerhouse football team in the Charleston, S.C. area. The West Ashley Wildcats are relatively new to the Low Country football scene as it has only been in existence since 2000. However, the newcomers took on the tried and tested Wave in a battle for Low Country supremacy and the Wildcats walked away with a victory.

The Cats were led by running back K. Eady who had a 32 yard touchdown run for the only offensive touchdown scored in the contest. That was followed, later in the game, by what turned out to be the game winning 20 yard field goal by young C. Cashion. These two youngsters finally got the ‘Cats their first win against the vaunted Green Wave with a 10-7 victory.

Oh, did I mention that the running back’s name is Karon Eady?

Or that the place kicker’s name is Caroline Cashion?

I didn’t think so. These two young ladies gave new meaning to the term “Girls Gone Wild” with their impressive showing Friday night.

Congratulations, girls

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Welcome from the heart of SEC country.

Our boys in blue came out on the short end of a 21-0 score in a game taking on Bacon County. These kids put up a valiant effort against a tough Red Raider team from Alma, Georgia in a battle of supremacy for South Georgia Pride. The Raiders made the drive down to McRae sporting a 5-1 record with their only loss coming against traditional Class A powerhouse Clinch County and they showed why they’re sporting this winning record. The Trojans just didn’t quite have enough to hang on and now prepare for a trip to Ocilla for a matchup and possible win against the 1-5 Irwin County Indians. Keep your heads up, boys. After moving into this new Region 2-A region, we’ve got a much tougher schedule than in years past.
Everyone in Telfair County is behind you.

Meanwhile, up in Athens, the home state Bulldogs took on the Mississippi State Bulldogs in a battle of Canine bragging rights. The Athens Dogs proved to be rude hosts in turning back the Starkville crowd by a 24-10 score between the hedges. There were obviously no souvenir sprigs of those historic hedges gathered by the visitors as they never really got anything going and, truth be told, looked lost at times. The only area of concern was that our Red Heads jumped out to a 21-3 lead at the half and then went into cruise control for the rest of the game. Our orange clad, and yes, tacky, neighbors north of the border, are next on the agenda.

Next for the Bulldogs is an away game in Knoxville. Derek may be a Dooley, but he aint getting any love from South of Chattanooga on this day.

Meanwhile, up in Raleigh, the North Avenue Trade School took on an angry mob of Dogs and came away with a 45-35 win. The Slide Rule Jocks made this a little closer than anticipated in avenging a slip up last year against the Carolina State Mutts. The takeaway is this. Defense needs to break out the calculators and figure out how to stop an offense pretty fast or there could be some disappointments in our state capitol.

And I would be completely negligent if I didn’t throw out some kudos to the Eagles from up the road in Statesboro. The Eagles, who also have a mascot who flies around the stadium (but doesn’t get off course and fly into glass windows), topped the home standing Elon Phoenix by a 41-14 score. These birds also have the distinction of being # 1 in FCS competition, the first time they’ve attained that lofty spot since 2001. Congrats Eagles and keep up the good work.

In other games, the Chicken’s chickens finally came home to roost against the Alabama Plainsmen on Saturday. I don’t know who looked worse in this game but as the old Head Ball Coach said, this offense looks “putrid.” There might be some changes in Columbia on the horizon for the Yard Birds.

And over in Arlington, a bunch of testy Hogs welcomed the most recent addition to the conference to the SEC with a 42-38 win over the Aggies of Texas A&M. I think even the cadets were ready to turn their weapons on their team as they squandered a big lead and fell to the SEC West’s 3rd best team. We all know the old saying; be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.

And in the Big Ten-ish Conference, that darling of the media, O-hiya State was defeated by the Spartans of Michigan by a “huge” margin, 10 – 7. It must be rough on the Buckeyes. You can phone in your appreciation to Coach Tressel via Verizon Wireless, toll free.

Last, but not least, the mighty USC Trojans squeaked by in a close contest with PAC 10-ish those mighty Wildcats of Arizona. That would be the 1-4 variety kittens. They must have been dancing in the streets in Compton and L.A. after this big win.

Finally, it’s time for the Peach State Prognostication.
This is my prediction of the “Good Old Fashioned Hate” rivalry between the Dogs and Jackets if they played today. Last week, I predicted a 31-28 score favoring the Wreck.
This week, I’m going with this: 31-30……….. Jackets.

And I’m torn. The Dog’s young running back Isaih Crowell impressed me, gutting out some tough yards with bruised ribs. Tech’s offense was a little off, but the Defense is definitely an area of concern. I’ve gotta give the slight nod to the Jackets as long as the dogs have a hard time getting on track. Until they get rolling, gotta stay with the Bee’s.
Let’s see what next week reveals.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH FLORIDA: You are aware….
That you can take your “first team” with you to road games, right? I’m just checking..

Because last Saturday it looked like you left them all at the Tampa Airport

ILLINOIS: The Fighting Pumpkins are 5 and 0 for the first time in sixty years…
Yes, I said sixty years.

And you know what that means?

The fact that the Pumpkins are currently undefeated is one of the signs of the coming Apocalypse

PENN STATE: Last Saturday Joe Pa coached his 700th game…..

700 college football games as the Head Football Coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions

Great win last Saturday for a Great Coach and a living Legend

UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY: I can’t believe it….
I picked the Black Knights of the Hudson to win last week and they actually won…

I almost cried

MARSHALL: I can assume by your performance last Saturday that my weekly taunts and sarcastic remarks motivated you Thundering Herd to victory over the Louisville Cardinals.

You’re Welcome

SOUTHERN METHODIST: I never should have doubted my Proud Ponies last week.
Congratulations on winning the Battle of the Iron Skillet….

The Iron Skillet belongs to Coach June and the Mighty Mustangs

OHIO STATE: If Buckeyes don’t pick up the pace…..
They will be headed to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Dahlonega Georgia

CLEMSON: These are not the kitty cats of years past….
The Mighty Tigers have defeated three top teams in as many weeks and are currently undefeated.

I know my adopted Clemson Family is Happy and I’m Happy for you.

TEXAS: The Red River Rivalry this week will determine if the Longhorns are really back.
My guess?
Read this week’s picks for the answer.

CARSON NEWMAN: Spark’s Eagles have NEVER lost two games in a row…..
That I can remember…
Until last week….
Not to add any additional pressure to your season, but you guys are killing my weekly average
Just so you know

WISCONSIN: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NEW MEXICO STATE: Congratulations to Lasso Larry for defeating the Lobo’s and winning
“The Maloof Trophy” and just for the record…
I still think that trophy looks like a possum on a stick

ARKANSAS: Didn’t I tell you Razorback fans that you were going to beat the Aggies?
And you didn’t believe me did you?
You all have some “trust” issues, I’m just saying

SOUTH CAROLINA: This is for the 113 Carolina Gamecock Fans that sent me emails complaining about my write up in the “Preseason Extravaganza” when I didn’t mention South Carolina as a “contender”.

Now you know why I didn’t list them as a “contender”, don’t you?

EMAIL QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
You have been a little hard on our beloved Sooner’s lately, so I have an idea.
I don’t know if you have ever been to Oklahoma, but I would like to cordially invite you to Norman Oklahoma for a Sooner football game!

We will show you what Boomer Sooner hospitality is all about!

The Davis Family – Norman, Oklahoma

A: Thank you for the invitation…
However there are two very good reasons why I don’t visit Oklahoma.

I have seen the movie “Oklahoma!” and I refuse to walk around all day singing and dancing.
(I have no idea how you all getting anything done singing and dancing all day)

And secondly (although most importantly) My Texas citizenship would be revoked if I came to Oklahoma, even for a visit.

THE GAMES

Thursday October 6th

Western Kentucky at Middle Tennessee State
The Blue Raiders are tough to beat under the lights in Murfreesboro and the Hilltopper’s mascot looks like the offspring of Chewbacca’s sister and the Cool-aide guy.
Enough said….
RAIDERS of BLUE 33-17

Arkansas – Monticello at Delta State
This game features the surprising Boll Weevils of Arkansas and my beloved Fighting Okra.
Except for Okra Winfrey there isn’t anything I don’t love about Okra.
FIGHTING OKRA 24-21

California at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this thrilling matchup from a bottom tiered football conference but The Animal Planet is suppose to have Rhino’s on Roller Skates on at the same time.
Don’t worry, I have on good authority that…
No Rhino’s will be harmed in the “Roller Boogie” portion of the program
QUACKS 6-5

Friday October 7th

Boise State at Fresno State
Not really sure why this is a rivalry game, but it is…
This game is called “The Battle for the Milk Can”
(And “No” I’m not making this up)
And as you might have guessed…
The winner of the game gets a Milk Can
Yippee
MILKY WAY BRONCO’S 33-28

Saturday October 8th

Oklahoma at Texas
This is the Red River Rivalry
It’s played each year during the Texas State Fair at the Cotton Bowl (As God intended it)
Pure and simple this game is hatred personified.
The teams, the fans, and the alumni dislike each other intensely.
Sometimes I make picks based on statistics and trends and other times I pick with my heart.
No matter where I am, I am always Deep in the Heart of Texas
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-31

Maryland at Georgia Tech
The Linoleum Tile Turtles takes on the Rambling Wreck of Tech in Atlanta
And if you are wondering “why” this game is so important, it’s because…
Across the street from the Tech stadium is the Home to the greatest chili dogs in the world
“The Varsity”
Believe it…
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17

Mississippi State at UAB
The Bulldogs travel to Legion Field in Birmingham to take on the Blazers
The sign in the stadium still says “The Football Capital of the South”
Those were the days…
BULLY DOGS 38-10

Minnesota at Purdue
This Big Ten (or Twelve) Rivalry is played each year for..
“Herbert’s Sphincter Cannon”
Word to the wise…
You don’t want to be around when Herbert’s cannon goes off…
BOILERMAKERS 20-17

Louisville at North Carolina
I can’t make up my mind about these two teams…
One week the Cardinals are Strong and the next week they are getting sand kicked in their face
One week the Heels are Tarred and the next week they get feathered.
This is one a tossup
HEELS of TAR 24-17

Connecticut at West Virginia
Smoldering couches on Sunday morning smells like….
“Victory..”
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
This game has jobs on the line and reputations at stake (yes, it does…)
It’s going to be closer than you might think
GAMECOCKS 24-17

North Alabama at Arkansas Tech
The folks from Arkansas Tech are called “The Wonder Boys”
Well, “wonder” no longer boys
MIGHTY LIONS 42-17

Florida State at Wake Forest
Maybe it’s just me….
But instead of having some student in a foam rubber costume
I wish the Demon Deacon mascot was Jimmy Swaggert…
He’s a hoot when he’s all liquored up, on a crying jag and waving his arms in the air
Never mind
NOLES 38-10

Memphis at Rice
Neither one of these teams could beat the Odessa Perriman Panthers in Odessa Texas
And that’s a fact
ELVIS’S TIGERS 17-10

Murray State at Georgia State
I cannot in good conscience pick any team that Bill Curry is associated with.
That being said….
PACERS 28-17

Army at Miami (OH)
I might be wrong….
But I don’t think the boys from West Point can put together a two game winning streak here
REDHAWKS 33-17

Marist at Davidson
I don’t know that much about David’s Son, but that Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 24-21

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know some members of the NCAA Speech Police read this column because I read the emails.
This pick is for them….
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

San Diego at Valparaiso
This game features “Torero’s” and “Crusaders”….
I think I saw a “Torero” last night on a commercial…
It’s that new burrito looking thing they are selling at Taco Bell that looks like a cut-away of a large intestine. Now why would you want to name your football team after something like that?
CRUISERS 27-14

Temple at Ball State
You don’t really care about this game do you?
I didn’t think so
HOOT OWLS 34-31

Florida International at Akron
The Panthers have let me down the past couple of weeks
But it’s time for the Hilton to get loose…
HILTON PANTHERS 33-31

Illinois at Indiana
This Big Ten and cross state rivalry game is played annually for the…
“Puddin’ Tane Trophy”, ask me again and I will tell you the same
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-10

Chattanooga at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern are the Number One team in the country in their respective division.
That ranking won’t change after Saturday
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-21

Boston College at Clemson
This Atlantic Coast Conference Rivalry is played for “The Leather Helmet” and..
The O’Rourke-McFadden Trophy
Which (by the way) has nothing to do with Mickey Rourke or Johnny McFadden
Just so you know
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

North Dakota State at Southern Illinois
The folks from Southern are called the “Salukis”…
That sounds like a pesky foot fungus if you ask me.
Which is disgusting…
THUNDERING BISON 28-24

Missouri at Kansas State
I know, I know….
The Wildcats of State are winning and winning….
But Mo knows there is more than one way to skin a cat
MO’S TIGERS 28-24

Central Michigan at North Carolina State
I really don’t know what to think about the latest Public Service Announcement from the Department of Agriculture. Have you seen it?
“Chippewa’s; the other white meat”
(I think that is very inappropriate)
PACKS of WOLVES 28-24

Ohio at Buffalo
The Bobcats are rolling and the Boy’s from Buffalo are just winging it.
(In case you were wondering, “yes” that was Buffalo Wings reference)
FRANK’S CATS 38-10

Arizona State at Utah
The Two Ute’s has too much Ute on their team to complete with the Devils from the Sun.
SUNNY DEVILS 31-28

Iowa at Penn State
This is going to be an old fashioned Big Ten battle in the trenches.
It’s going to be a real tussle and could go either way…
But I believe Joe Pa still has a trick or two up his depends.
JOE PA’S LIONS 23-17

Southern Miss at Navy
This one is going to be close, real close….
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Miami at Virginia Tech
Please see “Southern Miss and Navy” above…
Then wash, rinse and repeat….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
The Mighty Spark’s Eagles will not lose three games in a row….
Or I will have to go into the Witness Protection Program (again…)
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-31

Florida at LSU
I have a great deal of respect for both of these teams, so I won’t belabor the point or make some funny witticism concerning this game. But it’s going to be closer than you might think
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-21

Pittsburgh at Rutgers
If these two teams were entertainers they would be “Siegfried and Roy”
ROY’S PANTHERS 24-17

Air Force at Notre Dame
I wouldn’t call this an “Upset” unless you were a Fighting Irish fan…
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

Montana State at Portland State
The Bobcats will ground the Vikings..
Believe it
BOBCATS 38-17

Arkansas Pine Bluff at Jackson State
The Golden Lions of Pine Bluff will be tarnished by Walter’s Tigers on Saturday.
And as a side note: the Battle of the Bands at halftime in this game is not to be missed.
WALTER’S TIGERS 43-24

Valdosta State at Ouachita Baptist
I have an interesting fact about the Ouachita Baptist…
They refuse to make love standing up because..
They are afraid someone will see them and think they are dancing.
DANCING BAPTIST 31-24

Montana at Idaho
This is a Big rivalry game…
And it is played each year for the “Little Brown Stein”
I bet you are surprised I knew that..
I am a mental storehouse for “strange facts known by few”
(It’s a blessing and a curse)
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-24

Marshall at Central Florida
The Thundering Herd Thundered through Louisville last Saturday
But the Boys from O-Town (Not the defunct Boy Band) are ready…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

Iowa State at Baylor
The Cyclones are a dangerous team (when they want to be)…
And the Bears are way overrated….
CYCLONES 33-31

Auburn at Arkansas
The War Eagle faithful has reminded me (repeatedly) that I haven’t picked them to win since the first week and they would be correct in that assertion. Let’s keep the streak going, shall we?
HAWGS 38-24

Michigan at Northwestern
Another Big Ten (or twelve) Game and you know exactly what that means…
Another game for a coveted Rivalry Trophy!
This game is played for the “Mask of Yak Trophy”
Which oddly enough looks like former Michigan “first lady” Rita Rodriguez without makeup.
WOLVERINES 38-10

Georgia at Tennessee
I have read a number of emails recently from Volunteer fans “claiming” among other things that “I never say anything positive about their program”. I was hurt and dismayed by those accusations and vowed to rectify this perceived wrong, because after all, I work very hard to leave each reader with hope and optimism concerning their teams in each and every article.
With that being said….
Recently I saw former University of Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer on a television commercial promoting tourism to Gulf Shores Alabama. In the commercial Phil Fulmer was wearing a t-shirt and shorts.

In that t-shirt…..
Phil Fulmer’s man boobs looked like old orangutan monkey boobs.
SIC EM DOGS 31-28

Texas A&M at Texas Tech
The Aggies are madder than Wynonna Judd at a Weight Watchers meeting…
But on a positive note: If you are ever in Lubbock Texas, you have to see the Buddy Holly Museum, you won’t be disappointed Peggy Sue.
GIG EM AGGIES 33-17

East Carolina at Houston
The Pirates of Carolina are in for a rude awakening in H-Town
This isn’t the wounded and beat up Cougars from last year
These boys are healthy
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-17

Vanderbilt at Alabama
The Commodores always play the Tide tough, and this game will be no exception.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-14

UNLV at Nevada
This is the biggest rivalry game in the state of Nevada…
Actually it’s the only rivalry game in the state of Nevada, but who’s counting
This game is called “The Battle of Nevada” and it’s played for the “Fremont Cannon”.
Not to be confused in any way with the “Tippy McAllen Casino and Big Butt Cannon Buffett”
Those are two completely different things, just so you know
WOLF PACK 31-17

Colorado at Stanford
The Buffalo are pulling out all the stops to motivate the players this week!
The rumors are true!
You will not see “Ralphie” the Buffalo leading the Colorado team onto the field this Saturday.
It will be Wynonna Judd in a tube top…
(Sorry for the disturbing visual)
CARDINAL 43-10

Florida Atlantic at North Texas
The Hooter’s from Florida (Not the original location in Clearwater but someplace else..)
Are going to get an unhealthy does of the…
MEAN GREEN 34-17

Ohio State at Nebraska
The way these two teams are playing it wouldn’t surprise me if they both lost.
CHILDREN of the CORN 24-17

Syracuse at Tulane
The Orange got squeezed last week, but Orange you glad I picked you this week?
(I know that was weak, but honestly that’s all I had for this game, sorry)
OTTO the ORANGE 33-14

Wyoming at Utah State
Don’t remind me….
I know the Aggies have let me down as of late, but they won’t disappoint this week
Cowboy Down!
AGGIES UP 28-17

San Jose State at Brigham Young
Do you know the motto of the San Jose Football team?
“We are Everybody’s Homecoming Team”
COUGARS 34-14

Washington State at UCLA
My Black Lab “Doc” wanted to make this pick….
I knew he wanted to make the pick because he came up to the screen
Turned his head from side to side….
And walked away with a disgusted look on his face…
That means one thing..
BRUINS 28-24

Texas Christian at San Diego State
The Frogs got Dehorned Last week by the Mighty SMU Mustangs….
Lightening won’t strike twice in the same place
Believe it
HORNED FROGS 33-28

Kansas at Oklahoma State
The Prairie Wind is going to smack Jay’s Hawks in the naughty place…
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Arizona at Oregon State
Although State hasn’t played very well as of late…
I still believe in the Power of the Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 24-21

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

With the college football season in full swing….
I haven’t taken the time this year to tell all of you who take the time to read this column..
“Thank you”.

This column is a labor of love for a variety of reasons, but least of which is to provide some ill timed humor and the occasional college football insight into your weekly rituals.

I didn’t want any of you to think that I don’t appreciate your emails and comments, because I do.

More than you know.

It isn’t often in this life that you can provide some humor to people that you don’t even know.

I like that.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this unusually successful college football blog.

You are the reason I write it.

It’s been written through war and the occasional peace and through it all….

I wrote for you.

I am proud of that.

And one other thing…

Thank you

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I present your last and final installment of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza for your viewing pleasure.

It’s a shame our boys and girls overseas can’t read about college football on the CFB Wizard.

I guess that’s supposed to make us all safer, right?

Enjoy…

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE

“Listen; does your boy know how to work? Try to teach him to work, to sacrifice, to fight. He better learn now, because he’s going to have to do it someday. I mean, some morning when you’ve been out of school twenty years and you wake up and your house has burned down and your mother is in the hospital and the kids are all sick and you’ve overdrawn at the bank and your wife has run off with the drummer, what are you going to do? Throw in?”

Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant
The University Of Alabama

COLLEGE FOOTBALLTEAM NEWS

NORTH CAROLINA: New Tar Heel Coach “not important enough to remember your name” has stated recently that “the team is on the right track and everything is falling into place.”

EDITORS NOTE: As your college football interpreter this is what the above actually means…

“None of the players has gotten into trouble so far and I hope I can keep my job after the NCAA completes the ultimate destruction of the North Carolina football program”

NORTH DAKOTA: Stop me if you have heard this one before….
The Politically Correct Police at the NCAA are attempting to usurp the authority of the North Dakota State Government and impose their will upon the University of North Dakota “Fighting Sioux”.
Why you may ask?

Because the NCAA “has deemed the Fighting Sioux mascot hostile and abusive”

Meanwhile the North Dakota Legislature passed a bill requiring the University to keep their current name and Governor Jack Dalrymple signed House Bill 1263 into law this year.

The NCAA is standing firm on their diversity high ground and is telling the Governor and the Legislature of a sovereign state of this country that they must reverse this law or the University of North Dakota will face harsh penalties from the “volunteer organization” known as the NCAA. The Big Sky Conference which North Dakota is a part of is also being threatened by the NCAA thought police too, if they keep the “Fighting Sioux” in their conference.

EDITORS NOTE: My discussion of secession from the NCAA, doesn’t seem like such a bad idea now, does it? I know, I’m a pioneer

WEST VIRGINIA: One time coach in “waiting” that is no longer waiting Dana Holgorsen has taken over as the Mountaineer Head Football Coach since athletic director Oliver “Did you know my son plays at Stanford?” Luck forced loyal West Virginia native Coach Bill Stewart to resign a year ahead of schedule.

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Athletic Director Oliver Luck got his lessons in “Loyalty” and “Honesty” from former Mountaineer Coach Rich Rodriguez.

IOWA: The Hawkeyes and their fans are known for always playing hard and exhibiting good sportsmanship, as well as having an amazing memory for all things Hawkeye Football.

Let the animosity begin

OHIO STATE: As the Mighty Buckeye Nation awaits its fate at the hands of the NCAA executioner I want to remind them all; even if you’re not a Fickell’d Fan this year, get behind the new coach and support the team.

EDITORS NOTE: I’m serious…..
I can do these puns all day..

IDAHO: Anytime I hear anything about Idaho….
I am reminded of a girl named Ida I went to high school with….
She had a rather “questionable” reputation

TEXAS A&M: The Aggies were not invited to join the Southeastern Conference and are now looking at a rather ugly divorce from the Big 12 Conference. This is causing consternation throughout the Republic of Texas reaching all the way to the Texas Legislature and Governor Rick Perry. This story isn’t going away anytime soon….

EDITORS NOTE: Can’t we all just get along?

FLORIDA: Have you noticed that no one is talking about the Mighty Gators?
Don’t worry, they will be….

OREGON: I Know….
Coach Chip Kelly has “Ducked” a number of issues related to the NCAA investigation of the football program, but I have an unrelated question.

Now that the Oregon State Police have released the video related to Cliff Harris’s traffic stop.

You remember that, don’t you?
Cliff Harris was stopped for doing 118 miles an hour on June 12th in a rental car that was registered to an Oregon university employee.
What you may not know is on the police camera and subsequent audio…..
The Highway Patrol Officer asked Cliff “where is the marijuana” because the office smelled it coming from the car. Would you like to know what Cliff Harris’s response was to the officer?
“We smoked it all”

I guess the University of Oregon also failed to mention “star” Quarterback Darren Thomas was in the passenger seat. Oops….

When Coach Chip Kelly was asked about the latest turn of events with the release of the State Police video, Chip said “He wasn’t aware of that, but he would look into it.”

Funny….
Because I thought Coach Chip Kelly already said he was ‘Looking into all the facts before making a decision” the day AFTER this incident happened.

To say nothing of the University of (NIKE) Oregon’s inability to administer a urinalysis test for the student-athletes in this case.

And as you might imagine….
Both players are still on the Oregon Football team…..

Surprised?

EDITORS NOTE: Somewhere Phil Fulmer is saying…..
“Chip! That’s my Boy!”

MIAMI: If even half of the allegations I have heard concerning the Hurricane Football program are true then things are going to get really ugly in South Florida.

How ugly you might ask?

When the NCAA get’s finished with the Hurricanes….

It’s going to be uglier than Wynona Judd in a string bikini.

EDITORS NOTE: I threw-up a little bit when I typed that one…

MICHIGAN: With a new Coach and a “new” attitude in Ann Arbor this year, the Wolverines also have a “new” Battle Cry this year to carry them into the 2011 college football season.

Michigan Wolverines: “We are Fabulous”

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if that was their first choice for a “Battle Cry”

LSU: The Mighty Bayou Bengal’s were put on probation this year by the NCAA and lost some scholarships in the process because they said some student-athletes had received “impermissible benefits”.

Wow that sounds serious!

I have a question for the NCAA…
When did the NCAA “get permission” to sell the student-athletes “likenesses” to EA Sports and Sony for MILLIONS of DOLLARS for their video football games?
So, that’s ok?

GEORGIA TECH: Let me be sure I understand this correctly….
The NCAA hammered the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets because the Athletic Director “told” his football coach (Who happens to be his employee) that the NCAA was investigating “suspected” improper benefits being received by a few of the student athletes on the football team.

That makes sense right?
To tell your “employee” to look into a potential or suspected problem before it becomes serious.

Well that’s NOT how the NCAA works boys and girls….

They hit the Rambling Wreck with even more sanctions because….
“The athletic director disobeyed the NCAA Investigators”

EDITORS NOTE: If the NCAA is going to treat Athletic Directors like they are six years old why don’t they punish them for not getting to bed on time too?

My Friends it’s time to secede from the NCAA…..

NCAA: I have just one more question for the folks in Indianapolis ….
When you become an employee of the NCAA Enforcement Committee, do they supply you with the Nazi uniform or do you have to buy it yourself?
I’m just asking…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Speaking of NCAA Enforcement….
Why aren’t they on the Southern California Trojan Campus talking to Lane Kiffin?
It was just a few months ago that drunken “star” running back Marc Tyler told TMZ that
“Southern California Trojans pays its players”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Lane Kiffin said it was “all a big joke”

Maybe I have that quote wrong….

I think Lane was referring to himself as being a Head Football Coach…

Sorry for the confusion

CLEMSON: The below is an actual article, because you can’t make this stuff up…..

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (AP) — Clemson’s athletic department reported 12 NCAA secondary violations, including two athletes repaying their portion of a hotel room paid for by a former teammate’s agent.

In addition, an internal audit found that athletes living off campus received about $1 more than they should have in their housing allowance.

The violations were reported Friday, and occurred between February and July 15. Clemson’s athletic department releases NCAA violations twice a year through open records requests from The Associated Press and other media outlets.

The reports did not include the names of the athletes or the sports involved. The infractions are all considered secondary, the least serious NCAA classification.

Among the violations was one that occurred in March when a Clemson coach overheard players discussing their spring break trip to Miami and visiting former teammates training there. The athletic department’s compliance department later found out that two athletes stayed in a hotel room paid for by the former teammate’s agent at a cost of $379 plus tax per night.

The two were made to pay back their share of the bill, donating $76 each to charity.

The audit found out that Clemson athletes living away from campus received $1 to $2 more than they should have. All were declared ineligible but will have their status restored when they pay back the nominal fee.

Other infractions included a coach allowing a prospective student athlete to shadow him for a day in February. The violation was discovered when the coach took the young person to show him the compliance office. The coach was given a refresher on NCAA rules.

The NCAA found a Clemson prospect participated in organized competition past the one-year grace period given after high school graduation. The athlete was declared ineligible and was reinstated by the NCAA.

Also, the NCAA discovered a Clemson prospect was paid for playing in organized competition. He had his eligibility reinstated on the conditions that he would be charged a season of competition and repay the cost of the impermissible benefit, $333, to a local charity.

Another prospect recruited by Clemson was found by the NCAA to have played five games as a professional. The prospect’s eligibility will be restored if the recruit sits out next season.

In another instance, a prospect heading for an official visit to Clemson had their car break down and called a coach for help because there was a toddler in the vehicle. Clemson’s compliance office called the Atlantic Coast Conference office and, after consulting with the NCAA enforcement staff, was allowed to let a non-coaching staff employee pick the family about 5 miles away in Pendleton. The prospect was asked to pay back $2.66 in mileage costs.

EDITORS NOTE: Let me be sure I have this right…..
Some Clemson athletes received between $1.00 and $2.00 dollars more than they should have while living away from Campus? And if they don’t pay the money back they will be ruled ineligible by the NCAA?

Wow…..
If the NCAA is that serious over one or two dollars, then the folks in Auburn must be getting really nervous, can I get an “In Cam we Trust”?

OKLAHOMA: Sooner fans are known to be passionate…..

If given the opportunity they will hate you 365 days of the year, including Christmas.

UTAH: In case you were wondering…

These two Utes are doing it wrong….

SOUTH CAROLINA: Coach Steve recently said he thinks the University of Alabama gets preferential treatment from ESPN in its coverage of the Crimson Tide.
I know it must be tough on you coach Steve….
There was a time that you were the best coach in the Southeastern Conference….
Now you aren’t even the best football coach in the SEC Eastern Division….
That must really hurt your pride

So I have an idea…..
Why don’t you just coach the University of South Carolina and worry about that?

EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Sir,
I am General Beauregard T. Thistleballs, Commanding Officer of the 69th Regimental Electronics Enterprise (REE), of the 13th Tactical Aerial Reconnaissance Division (TARD). I am highly outraged, offended, and bitter at the latest diatribe and tasteless drivel that you have spewed on your website. This simply further reinforces our decision to block your heinous website from the young, impressionable, innocent troops here in theatre.

For your information, the following is the reasoning for the blockage. On numerous occasions you have espoused disorder, chaos, and insurrection on your website. Case in point: You called for the secession of the SEC from the NCAA. We cannot have those types of thoughts floating around in the heads of these young people. We need to coddle and teach these youngsters to be nice and inclusive to everyone. But the worst consequences of your uncompassionate rants and baseless attacks are that YOU sir, have hurt the feelings of countless soldiers. I don’t know if you realize it, but, the US Army is a bastion young people from all over the country. Most prevalent are those with University of Southern California, University of Tennessee, Ohio State University, and Auburn University ties. I can’t count the number of times that I have walked into a shower stall only two discover two soldiers holding, caressing, and consoling each other after they finished reading one of your brazen articles. I don’t know how many times my Sergeant Major has come to me and told me that the soldiers just don’t want to go outside the wire and do their jobs because they read an article taunting their Spartan, Tiger, or Volunteer backgrounds.

Sir, I want you to know that here at the 13th Fighting TARDS, we VALUE diversity!!! Something you wouldn’t understand given your callous and homophobic remarks week after week. We welcomed and urged young men and women to “come out of the closet”, so to speak. We begged them to step up and smell the beautiful flower of openness. But that is not what you’re agenda is about. You wouldn’t know political correctness if it slapped you on your ruddy, cherubic cheeks. If I could, I’d turn you over my knee and spank your supple, round, firm buttocks until they were of a splendidly pink aura. And then….

Well, you get the picture. Your website will never be allowed in theatre again. I have put my foot down (and broke a heel doing it!!!). We DO take care of our troops, contrary to what you think. As long as it is in my power to create and shape these young minds, then shows like Barney, Les Miserables, and many others will be available for them to watch. But, don’t be alarmed Mr “Wizard”. You’re not the only one who has faced my wrath. On the local Armed Forces Radio Network we have replaced prime time programming with the Elton John Tribute hour and the Rod Stewart greatest hits ensemble, and the “Best of” Liberace show. We are currently working on a show and format for Madonna.

As you can see, this well thought out, politically correct and well meaning decision is best for all.

Militarily,
Beauregard T. Thistleballs,
General
United States Army
REE/TARDS
USC ‘69

THE BEST and WORST of COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Worst Celebration Ritual: University of Pittsburgh
Former Pittsburgh Panther Head Football Coach Mike Haywood “celebrating” his promotion as the head football coach of the University of Pittsburgh by getting liquored up and whipping his wife’s ass. Classy…………..

Worst College Football Pregame Program:
(Tie) CBS College Sports and ABC
The CBS College Football Game Day studio has the most diverse group of talking heads on television.
It’s like Sesame Street without the cute furry characters.

This is what you will see on any given Saturday in the CBS College Football Pre-game Studio….
“Former” coach and current college football “analyst” Phil Fulmer setting in a corner with the remnants of a jelly donut on his face looking like he just got fired (again)….

While Archie Manning is rifling through pictures in his wallet and asking if anyone wants to see pictures of Peyton and Eli naked in a bathtub together.
Unfortunately both “boys” were in their twenties when the photos were taken.

Then there is Spencer Tillman who looks like a Little Richard Impersonator….
I half expect him to break into “Good Golly Miss Molly” before every telecast…

What can you say about ABC College Football with John Saunders…..
He puts the “dumb” in “ass”….

Best College Football Pregame Program: ESPN College Game Day

“We are coming to your city…”

The ESPN College Game Day Opens with a bang courtesy of Big and Rich and Cowboy Troy and it only gets better from there…..

Chris, Desmond, Kirk and the Great Coach Lee Corso round out the ESPN Game Day program located on the campus of the ESPN /ABC College Football Game of the Week.

There is no better way to start a College Football Game Day – Period.

During the one hour program you get the college football picks of the day from the group and an occasional “Not So Fast!” from Coach Lee Corso as the “Coach” disagrees over a particular selection.

There is insight into many of the games….
Interviews…
And at the end of the program….

Coach Lee Corso will make his pick on the game of the day by selecting a team’s mascots head gear to wear, often times followed by the singing of the teams fight song or familiar chant.

If you have never seen it, then you don’t know what you are missing.

EDITORS NOTE: And as a side note….
I will have something special for Coach Lee Corso before the start of this season.
So stay tuned….

Best Gatorade Commercial you will never see on Television

Come to think of it…
There may be a very good reason this isn’t on television.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Worst Fan Display of Team Pride: Ohio State Buckeyes

There is a proper time and place to show pride in your respective College or University
The below picture is neither the time nor the place ……

Best Walk-On Story of the Season: Minnesota Golden Gophers

The Golden Gophers have a walk-on to their football program this year.
That in itself isn’t any news….
But this one is different…

He is a Marine….
His name is Curran Delany
If the Coach doesn’t give him a chance to play I am going to be on him like Golden on a Gopher

Creepiest Mascot in Major College Football: Brigham Young Cougars

I think this simple picture says it all….

Dumbest Question from a Division I Coach: Auburn University

At the recent Southeastern Conference Media Days Auburn coach Gene Chizik asked NCAA Enforcement Director Julie Roe Lach in a room full of coaches and media “if the NCAA was finished with the Investigation of Auburn University and Cam Newton”

Ms Julie Roe Lach replied….

“You will know when we are done”

EDITORS NOTE: I think the only thing missing at the end of that statement was…
“Dumbass”

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

This time of the year……
College Football teams and their respective fans and alumni are filled with dreams of grandeur
and visions of Championships and Victories won are all the talk of “what could be the year”

But we all know differently, don’t we?

Some have it, and some don’t.

Then there is “fate”
A penalty at the wrong time and place….
A key injury….
And your dreams of an undefeated season and the shot at the Championship….
Are Gone

But we won’t factor fate into this equation, not yet anyway.

Some College Football Teams have a legitimate chance and others don’t.
That’s why you are here, enjoy.

CONTENDERS

OKLAHOMA: The Best Sooners Team in the Coach Bob Stoops era….
They are scary good……

TEXAS CHRISTIAN:The Horned Frogs “should have” played for the National Championship last year and they have a chip on their shoulder this year with something to prove.

WISCONSIN: The Badgers are big and fast and they are from the Land of Cheese Whiz
Enough said…

CLEMSON: All the elements are in place at the Home of Howard’s Rock to make a legitimate run at the ACC Title and with a little luck, the possibilities are endless.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Despite having the most de-motivating entrance in all of college football
“Where has the Prairie Wind Touched You”
The Cowboys have the most all round potent offense in college football.
If they can spell “defense” this year, they have a chance to win it all and ruin the Sooners season.

LSU: The Mighty Bayou Bengals of LSU are stronger and faster than ever and they have the depth to make a serious run at the National Championship if Les Miles can keep his eye on the game clock.

FLORIDA STATE: Coach Fisher has the Seminoles poised to win the ACC Championship..
Their shot at the National Championship will be decided on September 17th when they square off against the Mighty Oklahoma Sooners in Tallahassee.

TEXAS: Don’t count out the Mighty Longhorns just yet…
I have a feeling……….
(That I am pretty sure is not caused from dollar Margarita night and ill prepared Mexican food.)
That the Longhorns will be in the Championship mix before the season is over….

BOISE STATE: The Blue Bronco’s of Boise will have a chance to prove if they are for real when they face the Georgia Bulldogs “between the hedges” on September 3rd.

STANFORD: Despite the fact they don’t play anybody of note and their out of conference schedule is laughable, they are in fact a good football team.

NEBRASKA: The Black Shirts are Back, But in a different Conference…
They will play for the Big Ten (Actually twelve) Conference Championship this year
Believe it

ARKANSAS: The Best Team in the Country that nobody is talking about….

ALABAMA: Because I said so…

PRETENDERS

The Ivy League: Seriously? They still play football there?
I thought they were more into “social change” and “diversity” than athletics.

And as a side note: Their marching bands suck too.

Utah State: I have seen better athletes at a Midget Mud Wrestling event than the Aggies have on their entire football team. And before you ask…
On the advice of my attorney I will not discuss the events of that particular evening in this forum

Rutgers: There is some good news and some bad news here….
The Good news is the Scarlett Knights are the best College Football team in New Jersey…
The Bad news is they are the only college football team in New Jersey

Tulane: Other than having a lousy football team…..
I can’t imagine why the Green Wave made the list.

Duke: Most students at Duke are blissfully unaware that the Blue Devils even have a football program, enough said.

Southern California: If you wonder why the “mighty” Trojans are on this list, then I have two words for you…. “Lane Kiffin”

Notre Dame: There is some good news and some “not” so good news
You are not going to suck as bad as you did last year….
But you will still disappoint a delusional fan base that is under the misguided impression that just because of who you are that you are entitled to be in the Top Ten and play in a top tier Bowl game every single year for eternity.

Michigan: (Wolverines please see “Notre Dame” above)

Oregon: The Quacks are on this list because…
Coach Kelly “pretends” he doesn’t have a disciple problem on the football team.

Miami: With all the rumor and innuendo surrounding the Hurricane Football Program..
And considering all the possibilities and ramifications of the NCAA Investigation….
There is but one thing that comes to mind….
I would like to quote the greatest of all urban philosophers M.C. Hammer…
When he said….
“It’s Hammer Time”

North Carolina: Let’s face it….You’re Screwed

NCAA: The jackbooted Nazi’s of the NCAA made this list because they “pretend” to be a “volunteer organization” that is a 501 C3 that is a “non profit” and “tax exempt” organization.

EDITORS NOTE: How can you make so much damn money (In the Billions and Billions) you can declare yourself a “non profit”? And why don’t they have to pay taxes?

Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC)
Virginia Tech and Georgia Tech will be in the mix and Clemson has a legitimate shot at the conference crown, but the Seminoles of Florida State will win the ACC Title this year.

Big Ten (actually Twelve)
Nebraska and Wisconsin will meet for the second time at the end of the season to decide the championship of the conference. But I wouldn’t rule out a late run by the Ohio State Buckeyes or Joe Pa’s Nittany Lions.
My guess is the boys from Madison Wisconsin will win it all in the conference this year.

Big 12 (actually Ten)
The Mighty Oklahoma Sooners are looking like a championship team, but Oklahoma State, Texas and the disgruntled Aggies of Texas A&M are closer in the rearview mirror than they may appear.

Big East:
Since The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian won’t “officially” be in the Big East until next season I won’t pick them to win the conference title this year (But they would)
With that being said I am going for a pick that will surprise you.
No, not the Cincinnati Bearkats…
The Louisville Cardinals……
Believe it

MAC
Mac Whack Paddy Whack give a Dog a Bone Conference….
I am going with the University that is known as the “cradle of coaches”
The Miami of Ohio

Conference USA
I wish I could pick my SMU Mustangs to win the conference this year….
But it’s not going to happen
I am going with the Cougars from Houston to take the Crown in Conference USA

PAC 10 (actually Twelve)
Utah and their two Utes “may” be the surprise team in the conference this year with Arizona State, Oregon State and Washington potentially in the mix for the conference title as well.
My Pick: The Stanford Cardinal will win the “whatever the hell they named it” conference championship this year.

Sun Belt Conference
One question for the Sun Belt Conference….
Is the “Sun Belt” like a Bible belt with a flashlight attached to it?
I’m just asking…

The North Texas Mean Green from Denton Texas will win the Bible belt with optional Flashlight Attachment Conference Title this year.

Mountain West
There are two fine teams in this conference, soon to be limited to “one” fine team next year.
I will pick the Mighty Horned Frogs of TCU over the Boise State Broncos to win the Crown.

Western Athletic Conference
The Western Athletic Conference, also known as “the WAC” wait let me stop for a moment.
Whitney Houston said “Crack is WAC”
Does that mean illegal drugs are tolerated in this conference?
I am appalled…
For that reason alone…..
I am picking the Nevada Wolfpack to win the drug induced den of sin Conference title

Independent
Brigham Young will make a bid for the “Independent Title”, but frankly I am still not over how creepy their mascot looked holding that small child. So I will go with…

Anchors Away………..

The Midshipmen of the United States Naval Academy

Southeastern Conference (SEC)
I think the South Carolina Gamecocks will win the SEC Eastern Title (but not by much) and they will have to fight the Tennessee Volunteers, Georgia Bulldogs and the Florida Gators for it.
But remember this…….
“IF” the Gamecocks do win the East they will limp into the Title game in Atlanta with at least three losses, believe it.

The SEC West is going to be a fight….
Mississippi State, Arkansas and Auburn all feel like they have something to prove….
Then there are the LSU Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide

My guess is the Alabama Crimson Tide will roll into Atlanta as the winners of the West.

Who will win the SEC Championship?

The Alabama Crimson Tide

Because I said so, that’s why

There is a lot more to come before opening Kickoff…
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Many of you, particularly those readers in Ann Arbor…..
Are reading the latest news from Columbus Ohio with a gleam in your eye and a smile on your face.

But before you begin dancing a jig and shouting “Death to the Infidels”

Let me draw your attention, if I may, to another institution that not only has recently broken the rules of the NCAA, but is currently violating state and federal laws regarding public universities.

Relax War Eagles I’m not talking about you.

Yet……

In the town of Eugene Oregon, more known for the Corporate Headquarters of NIKE, than for the University of Oregon, lies power, money and sponsorship run amuck.

“Rogue Booster”

This well worn term and phrase we consistently hear from the NCAA anytime there is an investigation of student-athletes seemingly doesn’t apply in Eugene.

Why you may ask?

Power, Money and Sponsorship

Let me be more specific.

The University of Oregon is the pet monkey of noted Duck Alumnus Phil Knight who happens to be Founder and CEO of the NIKE Corporation.

I’m sorry was that term too harsh?

I only say that because Philip seems to do whatever he wants, when he wants at Quack University.
From redecorating and remodeling the athletic locker rooms….

To redesigning the marching band uniforms and mascot uniforms….

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, I said marching band uniforms and for the record….
The “new” Duck mascot looks like a Gay Mister Peanut on steroids.

And I think we all know by now how Phil dumped the traditional Oregon Football uniforms for a multitude of “glow in the dark” reversible mismatched ensembles.

The funny thing is that really isn’t a boosters or sponsors decision to make, now is it?

But it gets better, but doesn’t it always?

You may be asking, “So what does that have to do with breaking State and Federal Laws?”

I’m so glad you asked….

This is how it works….
When you have a public university that desires to have upgrades to any of their athletic facilities, they are required to raise those funds privately BEFORE being allowed to get approval by the Board of Trustees and the State legislature to move forward on the construction or renovation of those facilities.

After all, it is taxpayer’s money that is ultimately paying for the institution, right?

So there has to be government oversight, right?

Wrong

This is how the process works in Eugene.

Recently the University of Oregon announced the construction of their “New” Football Operations facility, which is a multi-million dollar improvement project located on campus.

Do you think the University of Oregon Athletic Administration had to jump through any Governmental red tape or work through that pesky state legislature oversight before they were granted approval?

Don’t be silly…..

It was ALL handled quite nicely by Phil Knight…..

The University of Oregon passed the land title to Phil….

EDITORS NOTE: So, a public institution owned by the taxpayers can have the land title passed to a private citizen? Say, isn’t that illegal?

Then Phil, also known as NIKE builds the facility the way HE wants it with the contractors HE wants with no outside interference and then “donates” the completed facility to the University of Oregon.

This allows Phil and to a lesser extent the University of Oregon to bypass numerous contracting and competitive bidding requirements for construction of state facilities and then to top it all off; Phil gets a HUGE tax break for his donation to the university!

EDITORS NOTE: Say, isn’t that Tax fraud?

This all makes the Ducks NCAA violations of “hiring a recruiting service” seem like small potatoes, doesn’t it?

Why do they get away with it?

Power, Money and Sponsorship run amuck = Corruption

That same equation could easily apply to the NCAA too, don’t you think?

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

And I got me a royal case of the red ass….

And I will tell you why….

First off I’m a sitting here in my bar “Scooters” located in Baneberry Tennessee right next to Frank’s Fireworks Stand and before yawl even write me I know the damn sign on my bar is missing the last “S” in Scooter’s. That ole boy that put it together has got himself a prosthetic eye, I heard he lost it in a weed eater accident and he don’t see so good, so that’s why it’s a missing the last “S”.

But I’m here a nursing me a hangover from hell…
Because of the last two damn weeks of Tennessee Volunteer football.

If you don’t know what I mean, then here you go…

Two weeks ago….
The Volunteers got cheated out of a damn game with them Oregon Ducks..
How do I know that?
Let me tell you….

What do Ducks like? “Water” am I right?
You damn right I’m a right on that one!
So the Volunteers was a handling them Ducks pretty good and a winning the game….
Until it started to rain, that’s right I said RAIN…
Well, that is unfair as hell!
Because that was a when them damn Ducks took off!

What they should have done was stopped the game until it quit raining!
Because it ain’t fair to try and catch ducks in the rain and it don’t make good sense neither!
Them damn Pack 10 referees ain’t worth a tinkers damn if you ask me!
So they basically gave the game to the Ducks…..

Then this past Saturday the damn Urban Gators come to town….
We had us about ten chances to win that game, we damn sure did..
And couldn’t do it cause the Gators cheat like hell and the referees are all on their side cause they probably live down in Florida.

On top of all of that I went to both of them games and felt like me and my wife got cheated on our tickets cause…
a whole bunch of Volunteer fans started leaving in the third quarter in both of them games.

So I asked one of them “so called Tennessee fans” during the Florida game,
if they bought a ticket for half the game and they started a cussing a blue streak and having a full blown hissy fit.
So I accused him of being a Gator fan in Vol clothes!
Which I don’t know if it’s true or not but it’s all I could come with at the time.
And you know what?
Me and the Mrs. Thelma Stroderback –Snitch still don’t know if there is a damn ticket for only half the game at Tennessee?

So there you have it…
Now even though I ain’t too happy about right now…
I am still a going to answer some of my fans questions cause I know yawl want to know what’s on Ole Hootie’s mind.

Hootie’s Email Questions

Q: Hootie I got a question for you
I know there all kinds of turf now days in college football…
But which do you like better artificial turf or natural grass?
GO VOLS!
Jimmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I don’t know Jimmy I ain’t never smoked any artificial turf

Q: Hey Hootie!
Hey I noticed the new Tennessee Volunteer helmets have a “T” on the front of the helmet,
when it used to say “Vols”, is there a reason for the change?
Tina – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: As you know Tina, Coach Drooly is trying to put more emphasis on the education for the players,
so they put the “T” on the front because it stands for “Knowledge”.
They say it makes them players smarter…

Q: Hey Hootie! How Bout them Gators!
Randy – Gainesville, Florida

A: Let me tell you something Randy…
You don’t want to go to “Fist City” with me boy!
I can’t even walk around Baneberry with my hands in my pockets
because the Police will arrest me for concealing two deadly weapons, so you better watch your damn mouth!
Smartass Gator…

Q: Hootie –
Now that you have your bar off its wheels and in a permanent location…
what have you been up to other than supporting the Big Orange?
Do you still work at Dollywood?
Roy – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thanks for asking Roy, that last email made my red ass flare up…
Well me and the Miss’s are a running “Scooters” and she is still doing her hand modeling for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store and she is still writing some songs and driving a Baneberry school bus.
The Dollywood show I was in “Who Let the Clogs out?” closed up at the end of the summer.
But I got me a “new” audition coming up at Dollywood for the musical “Phantom of the Oprah”

Q: Give it to us straight Hootie!!!!
As a loyal died in the wool, your blood bleeds orange Tennessee Volunteer Fan..
What do you think about our Football Coach?
“The Boy’s” from Big Ed’s Tire and Appliance, Johnson City, Tennessee

A: Well Boys….
I think Coach Drooly is doing fine, for now….
And I know we can’t get Coach Phil Fulmer back,
because he took that job as “The Ambassador of Lard” for the Tennessee Pride Sausage Company.
But like everybody else I have a Dream…..
That one day….
In the not too distant future….
“He” will come home to Coach the Volunteers
I get misty eyed every time I look at this picture…

One last thing…
Don’t yawl dare forget about my Celebrity Golf Tournament coming up on the 16th of October during the Volunteers bye week.
It’s going to be held right here in Baneberry Tennessee and most of the money is going to a worthy cause.
It’s to help my momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

See yawl there!

Hootie Out!

Welcome back my friends, I have missed you all.

Despite being in exile in a rather hostile and uncivilized land…
I would rather be caught in an “I (Heart) the NCAA” T-Shirt that ever disappoint my beloved fans.

EDITORS NOTE:
Before you ask, “No”, I am not trapped in OBKnoxville or Los Angeles.

Why do I endeavor such a herculean task under such austere conditions you may ask? Because I care, that’s why.

With that being said, Welcome to the 2010 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

Enjoy……

Over the years I have introduced your Pre-Season College Football Extravaganza with a variety of openings…
such as the wildly popular “College Football Etiquette 101” and such thought provoking entries as “How to make College Football Better”.

This Season, for those of you who are new to the College Football Experience and for those fans that are veterans at college football preparation.
I have prepared a “How To” for College Football Fans to further enhance your College Football experience in 2010.

THE “HOW TO” OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

DRESSING FOR THE GAME

The Right Way….
The area of the country your team is located will have a direct impact on how one will dress for the upcoming game.
Much of this is culturally driven, but certainly there are other factors such as climate, traditions and geographical location.
One has the option of wearing a variety of team gear, and if traveling as a family unit…
it is advised that all participants should be in your favorite game day wear, to include infants and or pets.

The Wrong Way…
I was going to use this opportunity to address appropriate game day clothing but as we all know nearly everyone north of the Ohio River dresses like Nanok of the North on college football game days and the boys aren’t distinguishable from the girls; which is sad and disgusting.

When it comes to painting ones face or body it is vitally import that your celebration of your team blends appropriately with your apparel.
It is also important, even as students, that you understand not only “how to spell” the name of your university or mascot, but that someone in the group is in charge to place people in the appropriate locations.
Below is an example of how “Not” to do it.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

The Right Way….
Decorating your vehicle with window flags and car magnets of your favorite college football team will announce your loyalties to passer bys and identify you as a supporter of your college team once you arrive on campus.

The Wrong Way….
Rainbow colored flags and other “diversity memorabilia”, to include “Make Peace NOT War” bumper stickers on your vehicle will send the wrong message even if you are from Los Angeles. Additionally, as a safety tip: This type of arrival to a college football game could result in an ass kicking in the following areas: Nebraska, Texas (anywhere), Clemson or anywhere in the Southeastern Conference.

ARRIVING AT THE STADIUM (PARKING)

The Right Way….
Once you are on campus, it is acceptable and permissible to play your teams fight song as loud as you can stand it and or honk the horn at other fans of equal standing in their love and devotion of the institution for which you support.

The Wrong Way….
Playing Celine Dion and or the theme from Titanic however is unacceptable, even if you are a “cultured” Southern California fan.
If you fall into this category please refer to “Safety Tip on Getting to the Stadium”

ON CAMPUS EXPERIENCE

The Right Way….
Vendors of all sorts should be available selling t-shirts to top hats of the home team’s logo and school colors.
A variety of food and drink should be available along with musical entertainment provided by the college marching band and
the appearance of the team’s cheerleaders, when applicable, always gets the crowd motivated.
Also, this is an excellent time to catch with old friends and acquaintances and discuss the upcoming game and a good time should be had by all.

Case in Point
The University of Texas

The Wrong Way….
If your college campus on game day resembles a party at Elton John’s house you may want to consider switching your affiliations.

Case in Point….
The University of Southern California Trojans

TAILGATING

The Right Way….
Tailgating is an art form that may take years to perfect.
Case in point, it is not uncommon for LSU Tiger Fans to begin tailgating the Monday or Tuesday before the game on Saturday night.
Tents and flags and grills of all shapes and sizes abound, with smoke bellowing for miles with the smell of the contents of the smoking beasts enough to make a vegetarian change their minds.
There is never a shortage of fine food and drink for Tiger fans or fans of opposing teams that happen to pass by.
One will frequently hear “Hey Fightn’ Tigers” and other LSU Favorites from loud speakers. Beer, wine and Bourbon are severed abundantly.

Another way to tailgate you might want to consider is when there is a navigable body of water close by your team’s stadium.
As an example; The Tennessee Volunteer fans boast of the “Vol Navy” with the Tennessee River flowing by Neyland Stadium.
This consist of a large number of intoxicated Tennessee fans in a variety of cut off jeans, overalls and other assorted Tennessee specific game day wear….
riding in Inner tubes and old bathtubs floating in a procession down the Tennessee river to “dock” near the stadium.

The Wrong Way…
Anything requiring the use of a microwave, other than popcorn or Velveeta is simply unacceptable.
Also, it’s important to understand the philosophy behind tailgating in general.
That being said an animal of some type needs to be sacrificed to provide an acceptable tailgating experience.
Be it beef, fowl, pork or reptile or any combination thereof must be cooked.
Not only is this ancient art of cooking meat outdoors delectable, but this also prevents our hallowed traditions from being trampled on by vegans, vegetarians and Muslims.

COLLEGE MARCHING BANDS

The Right Way….
Few College Marching Bands are as proud as TBDBITL….
That acronym stands for The Ohio State University’s Marching Band
“The Best Damn Band in the Land”
They certainly live up to the hype and you would be hard pressed to find a better college marching band anywhere in the country.

Certainly there are other great college marching bands, too many to mention in this short space.
But it is important to remember the premier college marching bands are precise in their movements, sound magnificent, have the ability to play a variety of classics and modern favorites and wear traditional uniforms with their school colors.

It is also worth mentioning the members of the college marching bands spend more time practicing for a performance that the actual athletic teams do on a normal basis.
So it is important to honor those young people and cheer for them as well.

The Wrong Way….
If your college marching band resembles the Salvation Army Homeless Band like Stanford’s or have uniforms that looked they were designed by a group of Meth Heads such as the Oregon Duck band, then perhaps you should skip the opening ceremonies as well as the half time festivities.

FLAG GIRLS & MAJORETTES

The Right Way….
Let me explain this in a way I hope you will all understand.
Simply Put: If you are a male living in the United States of America and you are between the ages of six and ninety years of age and you don’t find the Golden Girls from LSU or the University of Alabama Crimonettes attractive then you are gay.
Mystery solved no need to thank me.

The Wrong Way….
If your Flag Girls and or Majorettes are larger than the offensive or defensive lineman on your football team, then you have the wrong people in the wrong positions.

Noted Examples to the above:
Maine Bears, Michigan Wolverines, Notre Dame and the entire Ivy League

CHEERLEADERS

The Right Way….
They should be enthusiastic, attractive and have traditional uniforms and most importantly know and understand the cheers by heart.

Example: Alabama, Clemson, Florida, LSU, Texas, Penn State, Washington, Texas A&M

The Wrong Way….
This illustrated example is the opposite of the above description in regards to understanding “How to Cheer”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTATORS

The Right Way….
Two Words: Keith Jackson
He is the voice of college football, always has been always will be.
He was never intrusive, always insightful and called it like he saw it without guile, prejudice or criticism.
There has never been anyone better – period.

Lee Corso: God Bless you coach, Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

Lou Holtz: Despite your constant spitting on Mark May every time you speak in the ESPN studio
(which I personally derive a great deal of enjoyment from)
I admire your insight and humor and telling it like it is attitude.

The Wrong Way….
Where to begin…..

Pam Ward with ESPN: Her voice is used to elicit confessions at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay and has been called “cruel and unusual punishment” by Amnesty International.

Spencer Tillman: I loved him when he played at Oklahoma, but currently he wears more makeup than Little Richard.

John Saunders: His prejudice against all things Southern is only outweighed by his lack of knowledge of college football.
And that’s saying something….

Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson: The syphilitic troll and his one-sided master of the obvious sidekick would make a deaf man’s ears bleed.

Brent Musburger: I will let Brent speak for himself in this section.
Here is quote from Brent on an Alabama Crimson Tide game during the 2007 season.

“The folks in Alabama are paying Nick Saban a lot of money folks; it doesn’t look like they are getting their money’s worth, does it.”

EDITORS NOTE: Two undefeated regular seasons, a Heisman Trophy winner and a National Championship later
I think it’s apparent that Brent is a complete Dumbass.

Archie Manning: He cannot string two sentences together without referencing his two children playing in the NFL.
WE GET IT JACKASS!
YOUR KIDS PLAY IN THE N-F-L! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!

ESPN’s Mark May: His cousin must own stock in ESPN, because this gibbering idiot couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

Bob Griese: Do you know how you can tell when Bob is going to say something stupid?
His lips are moving.

ESPN’s Desmond Howard: If he was actually able to but a simple sentence together during a telecast I would be amazed.
This may explain how he graduated from the University of Michigan with a degree in “Public Speaking”.

ESPN’s Wendi Nix: She is dumber than a sack of horse turds and wears more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL REFEREES

The Right Way….
It is important for college football referees and replay officials to be fair and honest in their appraisals of each play.
This comes through constant training and education as well as review of each game by conference officials.
The conferences will constantly grade and evaluate the professionalism and effectiveness of the individuals in this field and suspend or relieve those referees that are ineffective or incompetent, because accountability is the key to the integrity of the game.
The conferences will also ensure the individuals responsible for the conduct of the games are properly vetted through a process similar to background checks for security clearances.
This is important to ensure, unlike the NBA, that referees are above reproach and not susceptible to bribes or other enticements to sway their opinions during the course of a game.

The Wrong Way….
Currently the above is not being done in any conference in the country and despite the never ending NCAA witch hunts from textbooks to college parties;
they aren’t interested in ensuring accountability from the referees either.
Hence the problem….

TRADITIONAL PRE-GAME KICK OFF CHANTS

The Right Way…
Prior to kickoff the home crowd, as well as visitors will stand on their feet and as the ball is struck by the kicker to send the ball down the field the following is either performed or yelled by the home crowd.

Marshall: Thirty Thousand Thundering Herd fans will shout in unison “We Are Marshall!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Florida: Ninety Thousand Gator fans will perform the famous “Gator Chomp” as kickoff ensues.

Arkansas: Eighty Thousand Razorback Fans adorned in “Hog Wear”
will shout before kickoff “Whoooooooo…” and then as the ball is struck they will yell “Pigs!”
and then quickly there after as the ball is sailing down the field “Sooieeeeeee”.

The Wrong Way…

Duke: Nearly half a dozen Blue Devil fans will shout “O Hell here we go again!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Washington State: Prior to kickoff, almost two dozen fans of the Mighty Cougars will cover their heads with paper bags and wish silently that they were Washington Huskies Fans.

Indiana: At the opening kickoff nearly a hundred Hoosier fans will shout “What the Hell is a Hoosier?”

FIGHT SONGS

The Right Way….
There are too many outstanding college fight songs to mention here.
The great traditional fight songs we know by heart and they stir the emotions of the crowd and raise Goosebumps and bring a tear to the eye of many alumni and fan.

The Eyes of Texas..

Yea Alabama….

Hey Fightn’ Tigers….

The Aggie War Hymn…

The Wrong Way….
Simply put, if the fight song in question is either to confusing or doesn’t have any references to victory or storming down the field or in some cases is rather depressing or encourages dangerous behavior, then it is less than effective in encouraging the fans.

Case in point…..
The University of Tennessee marching band used to play “Down the Field” which has references to loyalty to the football team, cheering and fighting for the Volunteers of Tennessee.

Then for reasons I cannot comprehend, the University of Tennessee began playing “Rocky Top” like a broken Jukebox with one record. The song has nothing to do with football or the University of Tennessee but does talk about such intriguing topics as:

“Ain’t no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top, Ain’t no telephone bills, Once I had a girl on Rocky Top, half bear, the other half cat, wild as a mink, but sweet as soda pop. I still dream about that”

EDITORS NOTE: If you get excited about a “fight song” that brags about the fact you don’t have electricity or telephones
and the best looking women in your area are mutants, then perhaps you need another “fight song”.

Another noted example in this section comes from Texas A& I and their fight song “Jalisco”. For your reading pleasure is the first stanza:

“Ay, Jalisco, Jalisco
Jalisco tu tienes
Tu novia
Que es Guadalajara
Muchacha bonita
La peria mas rara
De todo Jalisco
Es mi Guadalajara”

EDITORS NOTE: If your fight song isn’t in English, then you shouldn’t be allowed to play football. Enough said….

MASCOTS

The Right Way….
There are a number of Great College Mascots…
You know who there are…..
Their very presence sends the crowd into frenzy.
College football fans will line up for hours to have a picture taken with their mascot.
There is…..

UGA the English Bulldog from the University of Georgia

BEVO the Texas Longhorn from the University of Texas

Mike the Tiger from Louisiana State University

The Wrong Way…
There are too many to mention here…
But suffice to say if the mascot in question doesn’t represent the university nickname then often times it is confusing to the fans
and thus becomes more of a distraction than a motivational tool.

Noted examples to this section…

Indiana University: Since know one knows what the hell a Hoosier actually is this becomes a constant point of friction with fans asking themselves “What are we?”

University of Oregon: The Ducks used to have a mascot that resembled Disney’s Donald Duck dressed in the green and white of Oregon and he was quite the fan favorite.

Since the university administration sold their soul’s to NIKE for sponsorships they have opted to allow NIKE to design their mascot uniform which changes from year to year, much like their university football teams uniforms.

Currently the Oregon Duck mascot looks like the offspring of a gay Mister Peanut and a Raptor than a Duck.

Congratulations…

Purdue University: Despite the fact Purdue Pete scares small children and frightens the elderly with his large and cumbersome bulbous head and has a face that looks like the lead character in “Mask”, it is nice to know that he has returned to the dating scene.

WHEN VIEWING THE GAME AT HOME

The Right Way….
You are encouraged to decorate your house (inside as well as outside)
with various adornments to include university flags etc.
One should be wearing university colors and logos, this goes for significant others in the household and children as well.

The following is also encouraged on game day at your home or residence:

It’s important to establish “healthy boundaries” for you and your guests on College Football Game Days.
This will further enhance the experience for you as well as your guests and provide a warm and comfortable environment to enjoy the festivities.
Opposing fans visiting your household should be treated as honored guests and be allowed to partake of food and drink at their hearts desire, until such time as they begin trash talking about the level of competency of your team and then it’s permissible to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

If you’re next door neighbor, with whom you have a wonderful relationship with, is a fan or supporter of your arch rival.
Then it is permissible on college football game day to give any member of that particular family the preverbal middle finger while exchanging pleasantries when retrieving the morning paper.

The verbal exchange may go something like this:

Tim: Nice day isn’t it Joe?

Joe: Up yours Timmy! I hope your family contracts cholera!

EDITORS NOTE:
This exchange is permissible on College Football Game day as long as he is a fan of your arch rival, even if the neighbor in question is your local pastor.

It is also permissible to scream at the television set knowing full well that no one on the other end can hear you or grasp your jesters.
Please inform your guests that you are aware of this fact and please remind them if they mention this fact more than once in an effort to elicit humor, then you are obligated to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

The only person allowed to touch or operate the remote control is the one or possibly two adult collegiate football fans living in the household.
Permission may be grated on a game by game basis to adult friends, neighbors, family members etc. but only with permission.
If your dear friend’s wife who couldn’t spell football if you spotted her the “O’s” and the “L”’s” attempts to commandeer the remote control because she is either bored or “wants to see what’s on CNN”, it is permissible, without consulting her significant other, to break her arm, especially if it’s fourth and goal from the one yard line.

Additionally, the household should resemble a tailgate party on steroids
(Please see Tailgating section above for further amplification)

EDITORS NOTES:
It is important to note if you live or plan to move to Morgantown West Virginia that following a “Win” by the Mighty Mountaineers of West Virginia it is excepted that you and your family will take a piece of furniture from your house, preferably a couch and light it on fire in the front yard.

It is my understanding that if you and your family choose “not” to take part in this Mountaineer ritual in Morgantown the West Virginia faithful will perform the ritual for you using whatever possessions of yours they deem appropriate.

The Wrong Way…
Having a variety of games for children on college game day at one’s house is encouraged; it prevents them from distracting you and your guests from the college football game.
However, providing alcohol to children is forbidden and illegal unless you live in the following states or territories:
West Virginia – Minnesota – South Dakota – Pennsylvania – Arkansas – Oklahoma – Tennessee and Puerto Rico

Additionally, not having snacks while preparing your tailgating experience and during the game itself will identify you as an amateur college football fan.
Do not let your personal income be a deterrent to a positive college football game day experience.
If one can only afford a bag of Cheeto’s and a twelve pack of beer, then that should be shared and no one will think any worse of you.
In fact, I have on good authority that is considered “Thanksgiving” for most Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and Indiana Hoosier fans.

I hope this will enhance your College Football experience in 2010

PRE-SEASON PROGNOSTICATIONS & OBSERVATIONS

This season the Michigan Wolverines will fail to qualify for a bowl game (again)

But the Michigan State Spartans will…..

In November of this year the National Geographic Society…..
Will discover that Wynonna Judd is actually a Triceratops.

Good News Fighting Irish Fans! You will qualify for a Bowl game this year….
The Boudreaux Butt Paste Bowl in Tupelo Mississippi (It’s very prestigious)

There will not be an undefeated Southeastern Conference Champion this year…

The University of Southern California Trojans will not be going to a bowl game this year, no wait.
They can’t go any way, right? Never mind.

Brent Musburger and Vern Lundquist will vie for the coveted title of “Biggest Dumbass in American Sports Casting.”
Currently they are neck and neck in the contest;…
No wait, I just remembered Vern doesn’t have a neck.
So another unit of measure will need to be determined.
More on this later.

A referee and his crew will blow a call and a possession in the same game.

EDITORS NOTE: I have two words for you – PENN WAGERS.

This season LSU Tiger Coach Les Miles will say something positively ridiculous and then promptly defend it.

EDITORS NOTE: If you count what Les Miles said at the Southeastern Conference Media Days last month, then my prediction has already come to pass.

“I think anybody that enjoys competition enjoys playing best teams. In the Western Division, we have it.”

Les Miles – SEC Media Days July 23rd 2010

Arkansas Coach Houston Nutt will deny any wrong doing of any kind in anything related to anything he has ever been associated with or thought he was associated with.

Sometime this year the Evergreen State Geoduck mascot will make someone throw up when they see it for the first time.

The Tebow-less Florida Gators will be a lot stronger than you might think

The Texas Longhorns (See Above and substitute Tebow-less with McCoy-less)

The Miami Hurricanes will have the opportunity to prove if they are for real when they visit the Big Horseshoe and the Mighty Ohio State Buckeyes on September 11th

The Boise State Bronco’s will not finish the 2010 college football season undefeated.

But the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian might….
If they get by the Beavers of Oregon State on September 4th.

My Mighty Southern Methodist University Mustangs will return to a Bowl game again this year. Believe it.

Early in the season Coach Rich Rod of Michigan will attempt to divert the hostile Ann Arbor sports media by deferring questions to a Sock Monkey during post game news conferences.

EDITORS NOTE: I have on good authority the Sock Money even wears a ball with a big “M” on it, which is nice.

Speaking of the “First Family of Wolverine Football”…..
Coach Rich Rod’s wife, Rita will have an exhibit named after her in the Natural Science Museum and Exhibit Hall in Ann Arbor this year.
It is my understanding they have named a new species of dinosaur after her and the artist rendition of the creature will be on display through the coming football season.
It’s called a “Skank-a- Saurus”

EDITORS NOTE: Who knew dinosaurs had bleach blond hair, wore nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes and had their makeup done at Earl Shive?
Isn’t science fascinating?

The Duke Blue Devils will still have more students watching basketball practice than attend home football games, which is sad.

“Coach” Bill Curry will habitually read “The Little Engine That Could” to his Georgia State Panther players each night…
until his ass whipping of biblical proportions at the hands of the Alabama Crimson Tide on Thursday November 18th.
Then he will resign as head coach, return to ESPN as a commentator and bitch and whine about the University of Alabama for another ten years.

Sometime in late November some damn school that plays in the Earl Hoffenheimer Conference will have an undefeated season and lay claim to a shot at the National Championship because they defeated Chow Lings Nail and Beauty Salon Academy by three points.

The American Medical Association will determine that ESPN Commentator Pam Ward’s voice will be the leading cause of suicide between the months of September and December.

Webster’s Dictionary will add an additional example to the definition of “irony” in 2010.
The example will read in part: “Irony” is Lane Kiffin accusing other universities of cheating while having the NCAA investigating his conduct and actions at the university he left after one year and takes a position at a university on probation for violating NCAA rules.

ESPN studio commentator and former coach Lou Holtz will continue to sound like Sylvester the Cat and Mark May will continue to make sounds like a mule caught in a thicket when describing his undying love of the University of Southern California.

Before December of this year, “coach” Bobby Bowden will be found wandering across the Seminole practice field wearing only his FSU Vietcong hat in search of Chief Osceola, whom he went to school with in 1824.

Penn State Coach Joe Paterno will harness the power of the sun utilizing his reading glasses, thus ending the energy crisis and creating in the process 200, 000 new green energy jobs.

Former Tennessee Volunteer coach Phil Fulmer will attempt to introduce the “Bear Claw Consumption Competition” into the 2010 London Olympic Games, sponsored by Krispy Kreme. Sadly he will be denied the opportunity to “Bring home the Gold” and in a caloric rage eat the reining men’s hot dog eating champion.

QUOTES FROM YESTERDAY

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE“With the little bits of information that I have, no, I’m not worried about that one bit. I’m more concerned about helping the process and cooperating to make sure that everything comes to the front. I’m confident that’s not where this is going.” …

In an interview on May 2, 2006 with USA Today and the Associated Press, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C talks about the possibility of U$C forfeiting games or being hit with NCAA sanctions.

EDITORS NOTE: Looking back on it that seems kind of funny, doesn’t it?

SEVEN QUESTIONS WITH….

Before our beloved college football season begins we will interview the “former” athletic director Damon Evans of the University of Georgia in our “Seven Questions Segment” to give him a platform to explain his actions and subsequent dismissal from the University of Georgia.

Q: Mr. Evans what have you been doing since you stepped down as the athletic director of the University of Georgia?

A: I prefer to be called “Pimp Daddy D” or just “D Yo”

Q: What? Ah O.K.
Anyway, how would you describe your tenure as Georgia’s Athletic Director and what transpired, in your own words, that caused you to leave such a top tier athletic program.

A: Pimpn’ ain’t easy

Q: That doesn’t make any sense. O.k. never mind, let me rephrase the question.
There are a number of reports that portrays you in a rather unflattering light. They describe a number of embarrassing circumstances and even more embarrassing personal conduct by you.
Would you care to elaborate on this matter?

A: Knick Knack Paddy Wack give a Dawg a bone!

Q: What the hell does that even mean?

A: Word to your mother

Q: Ok. Let’s stay focused shall we?
This is your opportunity to explain what you were doing and the circumstances surrounding the incident that resulted in your dismissal as the Athletic Director of the University of Georgia.
Specifically; let’s talk about when you were pulled over by the police in the company of an underage intoxicated woman, wearing a pair of woman’s underwear on your head while presumably intoxicated yourself. To say nothing of the reported crying jag to the police officers all the while screaming “Do you know who I am?”

A: I was just Keep’n it Real G

Q: Is that the theme from Shaft playing in the background and are those “crunk teeth” in your mouth?

A: Word up

Q: Mr. Evans, I have one last question: are you retarded?

A: Foshizzeel my mizzel.

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Damon Evans should have taken his own advice here…

Click here to view the embedded video.

PRESEASON QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you are “really back” yet or not, but I need your advice desperately.
I have a terrible secret I have been withholding from my family.
I grew up in a loving family outside of London, Ohio and somehow I lost my way.
I moved to California and there I fell into intravenous drug use and became a gay prostitute and changed my name to Dirk Hershey.
I have appeared in some horrible, vile and disgusting movies under that name.
I have stolen money from “customers”, passed out in alleys after week long drug beiges and been involved in sexual acts that would make the strongest person retch.
But my question is this:
How do I tell my family I have become a Michigan Wolverine fan?
Danny aka “Dirk” – San Francisco, California

A: If I were you Danny, I would keep that piece of bad news to myself.

Q: Hello Wizard Man!
You filthy infidel! We know who you are!
We declare Jihad on you Mister Wizard!
Jihad! Jihad! Jihad!
You die soon by our Jihad!
Mohammad Ali Abdul – Los Angeles, California

A: Jihad Me at Hello disgruntled Trojan fan.

Q: Dear Sir –
As mayor of beautiful Baneberry Tennessee, I would like to cordially invite you as our “Guest of Honor” for our annual Founder’s Day celebration on September 18th.
As you may know our town was founded by two brothers Bubba and Doodie Baneberry in 1836 when they were separated from Davey Crockett’s Tennesseans heading to the Alamo and instead choose to get drunk on apple cider that had “turned” hard and shortly thereafter passed out near the river and missed the entire historical moment in San Antonio.
The founding fathers thought “Baneberry” sounded better than naming the town Bubba, or God forbid “Doodie”, hence the town of Baneberry was born.
None the less, after careful consideration the city council and I have voted to invite you, despite you being an Alabama Fan, to our Founder’s Day celebration for all your hard work to promote our beautiful city.
Also, we didn’t want to invite Hootie Snitch for fear he would show up all liquored up and insist on wearing chaps and a cowboy hat (again) on the Founders Day float so it was addition by subtraction, if you know what we mean.
Sincerely
Mayor Mike Summers
521 Harrison Ferry Road
Baneberry, TN 37890

A: I am temporarily indisposed with another engagement at the time or I would be all over it.

Q: Mister CFB Wizard I have a question for you.
As a lifelong Michigan Wolverine I don’t need to tell you the last few years have been very painful.
With that being said, what will it take for the Wolverines to go Bowling this year?
Thanks!
Steve – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Steve, I guarantee you the Wolverines will go Bowling this year!
But they need to make reservations early at the Bel-Mark Lanes in Ann Arbor or they may not get a lane.
I hear the month of December is reserved for leagues.
So, you will need to make reservations sorry.

Q: Hey There!
Mr. Wizard you remind me of that fellow Genius Kahn who invented Mongolian Barbeque.
He sure was smart!
I believe he was a military man too, but anyway I got me a question.
What are the chances of Auburn winning the damn National Championship this year?
Billy – Opelika, Alabama

A: Well Billy thank you for the compliment, I think.
But to answer your question I would say the Tigers have the same odds of winning the championship as Michigan does of going to a Bowl game.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
I was wondering if you would help promote my latest venture;
My Tribute to William Shatner by singing some of his lesser known songs as well as singing the theme from T. J. Hooker while dressed as TJ Hooker!
Does that not sound fabulous?
So what do you think?
Thanks!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: I think you need to be medicated Jack, a lot.

Q: Dear Sir –
As Chief of the Wall-a-ka Indian Nation and Casinos I am extremely disappointed in your support of collegiate “Indian” mascots. The usage of the term “Indian” alone is hurtful and insensitive, not to mention the other more harmful terms associated with Native Americans, such as “tribe” or “moccasins”. These names conjure up images of savages and worse, of a culture that is illiterate, ignorant, superstitious and lacking any social structure.
Perhaps if you were to spend some time learning our rich and unique culture you would have a better understanding of our sensitivity on this volatile issue.
Please take the time to visit us in the next few months we are located right off of Interstate 29 near Watertown North Dakota. Look for the “Big Wampum Casino” sign and don’t forget our duty free shops and the “Scalp Em Water Park” conveniently located next to the casino.
“Chu-na-La-Nu-say”
Chief Charlie Waka-Saw IV

A: If my Native American language skills are correct, I believe the above quote translated means: “A pony urinated on my new moccasins.”
But that aside; Sir, if you are indeed “SAW IV”, then I would like my money back please.

Q: All Alabama Fans Suck! They were not the best team last year and you know it!
As far as the National Chump-in-ships they all claim, that is bogus too!
Face it, they live in a dirt poor state with a bunch of inbred idiots who have nothing better to do than follow a second rate school and third tier football program.
Anonymous – Boise, Idaho

A: I’m sorry the glare from the 2009 National Championship trophy was reflecting off of Mark Ingram’s Heisman Trophy and it was preventing me from reading your question.
What were you trying to say again?

Q: We is still mad as hell at that damn Lame Kitten for leaving us Tennessee Volunteers!
Now he done and got the NCAA crawling around a looking at us!
We gave him everything he ever wanted!
Why the hell would anybody ever want to leave Rocky Top?
I ask you!
Thelma and Joe – Dyllis, Tennessee

A: It might be the wet dog food smell from the Purina plant that drifts across the city, but that’s just a guess.

Q: Dear sir despite your distain for all things Ivy League, I am obligated to ask who you think is the favorite to win the coveted Ivy League Crown this year?
Will it be Princeton, Harvard or fair Yale?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: I could name a dozen high schools around the country that could “win” the Ivy League crown, that’s what I think.

Q: Hey There!
I am a former coach and currently live in the Garnet and Gold Retirement home here in beautiful Tallahassee Florida. I was kind of forced into retirement by someone I thought was a friend, but then snookered me into retirement and I am still a little sore about it, not as sore as these new pants my grandkids bought me for my birthday though, they bind me in the crotch and it makes me walk funny.
Anyway you seem to know a lot about different things about college football, like the time you wrote about NCAA President Myles Brand and that Hootie Snitch guy you have on the website is really funny too. Wait, what was I saying? O’ Yeah, so there is this “other” coach (who I won’t name, but let’s call him “Joe”, that is still coaching and he is even older than me, I think he’s like a hundred years old or something. So, why can’t I still coach when Mister Thick Glasses is allowed to coach? His glasses are kind of funny too. Except when he uses them to blind you on the other sidelines! I mean they are that thick!
I forgot what I was saying.
Hobby Howden – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Bobby, you are rambling again.

Q: Mister Wizard I live in Ann Arbor Michigan and I recently saw Coach Rod’s wife Rita at a local Michigan “Maze and Blue” Alumni function and although I was some distance from her, I would have to say you are incorrect in your description of Rita.
She seems to be very attractive from a distance.
Roy – Grand Rapids, Michigan

A: By distance do you mean over a mile?
Get a new prescription for your glasses because up close that woman could stop a watch.

There will be more on the wire tomorrow…..
with the second installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza
To include Conference Champions and more of what you have come to expect from your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Some people said he was a dirty player….
But those former players and sportswriters are at the very least sissy’s and at the worst cowards.

Jack Tatum was one of Woody Hayes All-American’s for The Ohio State Buckeyes and an All-Pro for the once feared Oakland Raiders and he is one of the greatest players to have ever played the game of football.

He was a Gladiator

Jack was a Lion on the football field and a Lamb off the field.

On the football field Jack would stalk his prey with a relentlessness that is not seen today.

He would delivery blows to his opponents that reverberated around the stadium with the force of a discharged howitzer. No arm tackling or grabbing somebody high by the jersey, no sir…

Jack would hit you so hard your grandmother would wince.

If you have a son that wants to play football go to YouTube or some other media outlet
and show him how Jack Tatum played the game of football.

That is how it’s supposed to be done my friends.

He was feared by his opponents

Yet he always had time to give an autograph to a fan or provide a word of encouragement to a child.

He was loved by his family, friends, teammates and fans and he loved them all back.

If you were a male between the ages of six to sixty living in the seventies you dreamed of playing football like Jack Tatum and that goes for Michigan Wolverine and Pittsburgh Steelers fans too, even if they don’t want to admit it.

The Gladiator that was Jack Tatum passed away this week at the age of 61.

I feel like a part of me passed with him.

The game I once loved has changed in the Professional ranks.

It’s no longer as violent and players change teams like most of us change our socks.

Except for the rare exception….
Players aren’t as physically or mentally tough as they used to be, sorry folks but it’s true.

Sportswriters who have never played the game of football decide who is worthy of the “Hall of Fame” and who is not based primarily on personal likes and dislikes and their selections rarely have anything to do with performance.

Jack Tatum has deserved to be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame for some time.
The fact he isn’t in the hallowed halls of Canton Ohio is a microcosm of what’s wrong in Professional Football today.

That’s why I rarely discuss Professional Football and certainly don’t waste my time writing about it, the game today is like the NBA on artificial turf.

Fortunately the folks at the College Football Hall of Fame aren’t as stupid and self absorbed.

Jack Tatum was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame in 2004 and speaking for myself and the entire Buckeye Nation, we couldn’t be prouder.

I love Jack Tatum and I always will.

He was a Gladiator

He embodied sacrifice, teamwork and a work ethic that isn’t seen today in professional sports.

Thank you for the memories Jack….
There won’t be another player like you pass this way again; you will be greatly missed.

Tell Coach Hayes we miss him too.

RTR

The CFB Wizard

I will be back soon, but until then….

When I grow up I want to be just like Colt McCoy…..

Enjoy this short video of Longhorn star receiver Jordan Shipley
and country music singer Aaron Watson singing at Colt’s recent wedding.

Congratulations Colt

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

The CFB Wizard

Hell yeah it’s me!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!

It’s Hootie “Mad as Hell” Snitch

Hell yes I’m Mad!

You want to know why?

Cause everything done got turned upside down!!

First that damn dope smoking California Loving Coach Lame Kitten..
Done ditched us faster than a supermodel on a blind date with a one eyed midget.

Not to mention I went and done gave Lame and his whole damn Zima drinking coaching staff
“free two –for-one coupons” at Snitch’s Bar and Grill for all the Possum wings and Muskrat Nuggets they could eat.

I bet that SOB took them coupons with him when he left too!

I call that ungrateful as Hell!

Now there might be some cussing in this one, so you might not want your young’uns a reading this episode.

And if that ain’t bad enough…..

Two of my waitresses at my restaurant Snitch’s Bar and Grill….
Who just so happened to be Tennessee Hostesses for “recruiting purposes” done went and got arrested.

But I’ll get to that in a minute I ain’t done with Lame “Ass” Kitten, not by a damn sight.

The University of Tennessee done went and gave him the highest salaried staff in the whole Southeastern Conference
and the highest budget in all of damn college football to recruit football players.

Guess what he done?

Not a damn thing but almost bankrupt the athletic department!

He spent that money faster than the federal government!

The University covered up his partying with coeds off campus

We all forgave him for running his mouth and acting like a damn ass….

We turned a deaf ear when he said there weren’t no good high school football players in the state of Tennessee.
I ain’t going to lie, that one flat pissed me off.

We gave him a pass when his damn assistants acted like over age and over weight Chippendale dancers taking their shirts off to try and impress recruits.
I wasn’t going to say nothing about it….
But that was so gay I believe if Boy George drove by and saw that a going on
Even he would holler out the window “By God that IS Gay!”

We even got his recruits into our college, even when they couldn’t spell cat if you spotted them the “C” and the damn “T”

Some of them boys he recruited are dumber than a sack full of dog turds and I ain’t even joking about that.

If you think I’m a wrong
Then why in the hell would you rob somebody with all your Tennessee Football gear on in Knoxville?
Why didn’t that boy and them other football players…
Just show them people they was fixing to rob their student I D’s before they tried to car jack them?

And the University covered up his car accident too.

My Momma was the one that towed his car….
By the way yawl need to call that International Tow Truck Hall of Fame, Museum and Gift Shop and tell them to put my Momma in that Hall of Fame!

Anyway Momma said when she went to tow Lame’s car he was so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.
She said it and my Momma don’t lie!

Remember when….
Lame said all that mess about “wanting to embrace the traditions of Tennessee” and “Singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida”?

Well at least I can say he was consistent, cause he didn’t do any of those damn things.

Then after all of that….
He don’t have the common decency to have a press conference longer that a damn minute to thank us for everything we done for him?

And where did Ole Lame “Ass Kitten” go too?
He run off to the weakest college football conference in the damn country!
I know them media types slobber over them Southern California Trojans
Like people at a Weight Watchers meeting over a Nutty Buddy, but the facts is facts.

Most of them teams out west couldn’t beat Maryville Tennessee High School.

Fact is, he couldn’t compete with the Big Boys in the S-E-C and that’s how I see it.

Now that I about got that out of my system, I got one more thing to say about this subject.

Just for the record I thought those black football jerseys were dumber than hell.

Now about the arrest of my waitresses and “former” Tennessee hostesses for “recruiting purposes”…
Yawl probably heard about it, right?

Here is a what the newspaper said about it, then I will tell you the “real” facts.

JANUARY 28–Two Tennessee women who accused a man of rape have admitted to cops that they had consensually agreed to sex with him in exchange for a pack of cigarettes.
One woman told investigators that the duo filed a phony police report because they “didn’t enjoy the sex,” according to cops.
Jessica Kathleen Alexander, 18, and Tammy Nicole Ortega, 29, were arrested today for filing a false police report.

Here are the real facts, first; they never said what kind of cigarettes they was trading for?

Was it Marlboro Reds in the Box?
Because that changes “everything”, know what I mean?
Because I know for a fact, them girls don’t smoke no generic brand.

Second the police should take them girls word for what happened
Because of them being University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”.

And thirdly, why does everybody want to pick on the good looking women?
I will tell you why, damn jealousy that’s why!
I am willing to bet the keys to Snitch’s Bar and Grill…
That this whole damn thing is driven by jealousy cause these gals are so damn good looking.

If they wasn’t good looking, then why was they University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”?

I rest my case.

Glad I could clear that up for everybody.

More later on Tennessee’s new football Coach from Snitch’s Bar and Grill.

Hootie – Out!

“To Be the Man, you have to beat the Man”

Saturday night in Atlanta at the Georgia Dome….
The Southeastern Conference Championship game….

The Alabama Crimson Tide didn’t just beat the man….
They took him behind the woodshed and wore his ass out.

Many of you were kind enough to email me asking my thoughts about this game

Here they are….
In no particular order

EDITORS NOTE: Please forgive me, it’s been a while

Some experts said before the game “if” Alabama could keep the contest close
The Tide “might” have a shot at playing the Mighty Florida Gators (again) in the National Championship game.

Some even claimed this game was going to be a “Classic”
I guess it was if you spell “classic” B-L-O-W O-U-T

But to be honest I felt good about this game
My confidence was not misplaced
Before the game a calm Alabama Quarterback, Greg McElroy
addressed his offence with this simple sentence, spoken in a calm, but excited voice
“Let’s go win a championship boys”

Then I saw the Alabama defensive player with eye black similar to Tim Tebow’s
It had a Bible verse on it too…
Ezekiel under one eye and 20:29 under the other eye
This Bible verse reads……
“Then I said unto them, what is the high place whereunto you go? And the name thereof is called Ba’mah unto this day”

No jumping around…
No screaming or flexing muscles and cockiness

Just Business from the boys in Crimson

The Alabama Crimson Tide limited the Florida Gators to “13” points for the entire game, Believe that?
While Rolling up almost 500 yards of total offense against the “Number One” defense in College Football.

Something else we all learned in this game….
Superman doesn’t wear “Number 15” as the Gator Nation would want you to believe

He has a “2” in his equation
Like say…
“12”
“22”
“25”
“28”
“62”

I don’t know if Mark Ingram will win the Heisman Trophy from this game

But I can tell you who won’t….

But the Florida Gators should have known at Half-Time this wasn’t going to end well.

In the Dr. Pepper Challenge for a Hundred Thousand Dollar College Scholarship…..
Two people were selected to throw ten footballs into an oversized Dr. Pepper Can from ten yards away.

There was a young man from Florida out on the field doing the “Gator Chomp” and saying…..
he was going “Ten for Ten” and then while doing the Gator Chomp felt obligated to yell, “Go Gators!”

The other young person was a young lady from Alabama….
that according to her “just learned to throw a football” and she said
“her high school football coach taught her how to throw it”

The competition started…..
And the little girl from Alabama that just learned how to throw a football beat the boy doing the gator chomp.

It was a sign of things to come

In the second half the Crimson Tide made Urban sweat and Timmy cry…

No moral victories, no fourth quarter comebacks
No matter how many times CBS Sports….
Showed replays of last years SEC Championship game

This was the Alabama Crimson Tide’s night

They simply dominated the Gators in every phase of the game…..
and now the Crimson Tide are the Southeastern Conference Champions
and will have the opportunity to play for the National Championship

I know this article will upset the commentators and sideline reporters from CBS Sports….
who have carried on a Love Fest with Urban Myer and Tim Tebow all year.

But I suspect they are still on the “suicide hotline” and won’t have time to read it.

Forgive me, I’m still excited

I will have more later on in the week…….
Including emails and other news about this game and the other games from last week.

But for now, I am still celebrating…

ROLL TIDE ROLL

MEB

Despite the emotional roller coaster the majority of us experienced during Thanksgiving

And I am not referencing Aunt Edna’s bathroom “issues” either…
That’s a totally separate issue…

No I am talking about our beloved college football rivalries
And we aren’t finished yet….
This week we have the “Civil War”
And……..
The Conference Championship Games

But before we get to these and other games….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 31 and 14 or 69% during the rough and tumble rivalry week
and that leaves me at 564 and 161 for the season holding steady at 78%.

Not too bad considering it was “Rivalry Week”

Enjoy your games!

Thursday December 3rd

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called the “Civil War” for a reason….
But make no mistake, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry…
I won’t belabor the point here, but last year the Quackers upset the Beavers..
This year the beavers return the “Favor”
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-28

Friday December 4th

Ohio at Central Michigan
I know Coach Frank’s Bobcat’s have been tough as of late….
But there is something they way Coach Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s that makes me believe
It might be the way he spits on Mark May when he says it, never mind..
I’m a believer
CHIPPEWA’S 34-28

Saturday December 5th

Cincinnati at Pittsburg
Who would have believed this headline back in August?
The BearKats go undefeated….
Believe it….
BEARKATS 31-17

West Virginia at Rutgers
The only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if my Italian American friends “get involved”
They told me that wouldn’t…
So, Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Fresno State at Illinois
I know it’s not October, so a Fighting Pumpkin reference seems out of place
Unless you like pumpkin pie, which I do…
So the reference is still good
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

New Mexico State at Boise State
Remember when I picked the Bronco’s to go undefeated at the beginning of the season?
Yeah, I was right (Please hold your applause until the end of the picks)
BRONCO’S 44-17

Arizona at Southern California
I heard a really good joke the other day, you want to hear it?
What’s the difference between Coach Pete and a whiny sniveling self absorbed jackass?
None….That’s funny as hell isn’t it?
WILDCATS 28-21

California at Washington
This game will be a lot like the Southeastern Conference Championship game.
Minus the fans, the marquee players, the shot at the National Championship and the television viewership, but other than that it’s exactly the same.
HUSKIES 28-24

South Florida at Connecticut
The boys from Tampa Town have been beaten up as of late
and this game will be no exception and that’s no bull
HUSKIES 28-17

Carson Newman at Grand Valley State
Coach Spark’s Eagles beat my Lions in Florence last Saturday.
Avenging their loss to them earlier in the year and advancing in the Division II playoffs
The best ground game in Division II college football rolls this Saturday
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Wisconsin at Hawaii
I wonder if Dog the Bounty Hunter likes Cheese?
Behold the Power of Cheese….
BADGERS 34-21

Atlantic Coast Conference Championship
Clemson and Georgia Tech
Both teams lost their rivalry games with their instate Southeastern Conference opponents
But that doesn’t mean this game is any less important..
This is the second game of the season between these two teams…
The first game was a wild one…
This one won’t be any different
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Big 12 Championship
Nebraska and Texas
The Children of the Corn will keep this one close with the Black Shirts working overtime
But the Longhorns are headed to the National Championship game
Believe it…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Southeastern Conference Championship
Alabama and Florida
A Clash for the ages….
My Friends there are no “losers” here
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

There is more to come with Hootie Snitch and next weeks picks…
So Stay tuned…

Have Great weekend…

RTR
MEB

The rumors are true….
Today Coach Bobby Bowden stepped down
As the Head Coach of the Florida State Seminoles

We will talk about this monumental event
Some College football news from around the country
And take some rather angry emails from you my beloved readers

Today is a sad day throughout the Seminole Nation…
They are acting like they lost their Casino license…

So let’s get to it…

As you know by now Coach Bobby Bowden retired today….
Some have said it’s because he is “too old” to Coach

I say that’s baloney
Sure, Coach Bobby is “old”…
That goes without saying…

I even have a picture of Coach Bobby “before” he was known as Coach Bobby
This picture was taken at the White House after….
He was decorated by President William McKinley for leading troops up San Juan Hill.

Coach Bobby is nothing short of a Legend….

As we have chronicled in past articles…..

A “Reality Television Star”
Who isn’t looking forward to seeing “Bobby’s Boys”?

The camping scene when Bobby and his “Boys” are cooking out
When he tells Tommy….
“Get your hands off my wiener”
Priceless

For those of you worried about what Coach Bobby will do in “retirement”

Have no fear my friends

Coach Bobby “always” has a plan

Coach Bobby will soon be seen on the QVC Channel
In “Bling Bling with Coach Bobby B”

It’s going to be glorious…

TIGER WOODS

As you all know by now I do not mix my sports together…
However, with my beloved college football coverage being constantly interrupted this past weekend with Tiger’s “accident”
and along with the nauseating blubbering from television commentators about his “condition” after his “accident”
I feel obligated to weight in….

Let me be sure I got this right….
Tiger couldn’t pull out of his own drive way at what 10 miles an hour?
Without hitting a fire hydrant…

EDITORS NOTE: What? Did the Fire Department, just place it there over night?

And then….at least according to the “News” careened off the fire hydrant into a tree and at what…15 miles an hour?
Ok, you want my thoughts….
Here goes….
If Tiger can’t pull out of his own damn drive way without bouncing off a fire hydrant and hitting a tree…
Then I don’t want to receive another email asking “Why there aren’t enough minorities in NASCAR”

EDITORS NOTE: And we all really supposed to believe
His wife didn’t take a driver to the driver?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA & UCLA

Let me be sure I have this right….
Poor Coach Pete of U$C was “upset” with the Coach of Stanford because..
The Cardinal went for two points late in the game against the “great” Trojan defense, when the game was well in hand.
Yet, when the Trojans were up this past weekend against UCLA…
Coach Pete opted to launch a touchdown pass to “run up” the score against the Bruins.

That’s the essence of why we hate them….
Coach Pete Carroll and the Trojans and Bullies when they can be…
But cry babies when it comes back around….

FOX SPORTS

Fox reporter and noted Southern California Trojan lover Lisa Horne
Wrote and article this week entitled
“Why this college football season stunk”

Ah, could it be that her Trojans had a “bad” year?
I have an idea!
How about writing on the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans!
That should keep her ass busy for a while.

NCAA

Seriously, where are you with the “BIG” Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
If you think I am going to let this go, you are wrong.

CBS SPORTS

For those of you that witnessed the CBS coverage of the Gator – Seminole game this weekend, I want to clear up an ugly rumor that has been circulating the cyber world.

Noted CBS College Football commentator Vern Lundquist….
Is NOT pregnant with Tim Tebow’s baby…

Vern is just a fat syphilitic troll that happens to be in love with Tim.

Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding

NOTRE DAME & COACH CHARLIE
The Fighting Irish Athletic Administration dismissed Coach Charlie Weis this week
Many of you have written me, worried about his future….

Have no fear by beloved readers….
I have on “good authority” that Coach Charlie Weis
Will be the “new” Kool Aide Guy!

I think he’s perfect!
I can hardly wait for his commercials!

EMAILS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Sir,
As an alumni of Florida State University…
I would just like to express my disappointment in your incessant baiting of Coach Bobby Bowden.
As you know, Coach Bowden was only a few wins short of the blind guy, Joe Paterno of Penn State.
But, the important thing was not the wins, it was the longevity.
You see, as a member of the Seminole club, I know the wins were not as important as one may think.
No, Coach Bowden was going for a much better record.
Oldest Coach!!!!!
Yes, our coach Bobby Bowden could have had that illustrious distinction and gone down in the Guinness Book of World Records as oldest coach if he could have kept going for only 13 more years. And with his health being as good as it was, what would stop him from going until he was at least 100?
I know, I know, he seemed like he just loved to look at the grass or the little cartoons they drew for him on the play card, but that was the beauty of it all.
He could just stand there harmlessly, watch the ballgame, and wonder who was playing. Sadly, I think you may have contributed to his coaching demise with the ever present and constant degrading remarks and endless badgering.
I’m sad for you, Mr Wizard, but Coach Bobby is going on to a better place…….
Sun City, Arizona.
I heard he’s already picked out a name for his Fantasy Football Team: The Old Gray Mares That Got Kicked Out of Tallahassee.
Tammy in Tallahassee

A: Glad I could help Tammy…

Q: Hey, you, wizard boy,
Yeah, I didn’t even capitalize you name cause I HATE YOU!!!!
You make me SICK!!!
The coach of my BELOVED IRISH got fired today ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!!! Everything was okay until you put that stuff on your page the other day about moving “up” to the Colonial Athletic Association and playing for a FCS National Championship. AREN’T YOU CLEVER!!!?!
Then you had to put that ugly picture of Jimmy Clausen in his speedo’s on there.
WELL, HA HA HA!!!(Do you have one of those pictures with a frontal shot? I couldn’t see anything) And then you put that letter from the Pope on there.
YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!!! Or purgatory, whichever comes first.
By the way, could you tell the Pope that I’ve been really good and that the boy I was with after the Pitt game, well I don’t want to talk about it.
I know how he feels about promiscuousness and birth control.
But, other than that, I want you to BURN!!!!
Sophie – South Bend, Indiana

A: Sophie, say 12 “Hail Bryant’s” and you will fell better, I promise.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’m just as mad as a person could be.
Tim Tebow is such a SELFISH person that I can’t believe it.
You know, I was at the Florida-Florida State game, and during the walk up to the stadium I saw him cure a blind guy and healed two guys in wheelchairs.
But, do you think he’d go over to the Seminole locker room and cure our Quarterback so we could have a fair game? Nooooooooo. And his name is Christian!!!
I just think he could have helped us out and maybe we could have made a couple of touchdowns, that’s all I’m saying
Perry – Fort Walton Beach, Florida

A: Perry I don’t think even Billy Graham….
Could have saved the Seminole quarterback last week

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Did you just see the SEC commercial?
All the schools had things on their signs like “invented bionic arm” or “cured cancer” something exotic all except Florida…
“Invented Gatorade”
Dave – Athens, Georgia

A: Well, did you see the sign for the University of Tennessee?
It says…”We can spell Tang”

Q: Mike, I know this is going to get your blood up..
But did you see the article on PETA wanting The University of Georgia to replace UGA VII with a robot or a costumed person.
Saying that using a “live” English Bulldog on the sideline is to stressful for a breed that has so many medical problems.
What do you think?
Mark – Hattiesburg, Mississippi

A: Mark I will tell you what I think….
That kind of thinking just proves that my theory is correct…
“Some people just need killing”

Your Picks will be out tomorrow…

Just in time for the “Civil War”

So stay tuned

RTR
MEB

Not that we aren’t thankful, nothing could be further from the truth….

This isn’t about being “Thankful”….
It’s about your “Rival”….
It’s about bragging rights
This is “Us” verses “Them”

It’s the “Lone Star Showdown”
The “Backyard Brawl”
The Border War
The Battle for the Palmetto State
The Battle of the Beehive and Golden Boot
The Egg Bowl
Bedlam and its coveted Bell
It’s about the Commonwealth, Apple and Governor’s Cups
It is about Clean Old Fashioned Hate….
It is The Iron Bowl

These clashes will be told and retold for generations
And the Legends of the fall that come from such games live forever.

Let’s take a look at a few of the games we have in store this week…..

THE LONE STAR SHOWDOWN

Texas Longhorns – Texas A&M Aggies

The Name alone says it all….
It’s “Gig Em Aggies!” verses “Hook Em Horns!”
These two fine University’s students, fans and alumni hate each other with a passion.

Case in point, a few years ago Texas A&M produced their fall catalog of classes and otherwise promoting the university
and all it’s fine accomplishments as well as to encourage prospective students to attend the university in College Station Texas.
On the cover of the fall catalog was a collage of pictures of campus life at Texas A&M, from students studying outside, walking to class, football games at Kyle Field, two students with goggles studying in the chemistry lab, but one picture on the cover was “different”.
In one picture a young lady in the Aggie Marching Band was playing the flute.
She had her hands in such a way while playing a particular note on the instrument
that it appeared she was making the “Hook Em Horns” sign.

Please see the example of the proper “Hook Em Horns” sign below delivered by my buddy Matthew McConaughey.

This incensed the Aggie Alumni and they demanded the Catalogs, which had already been distributed by the way,
be recalled and a “new” edition reprinted without the accursed picture on it.

Cost to print and distribute Fall Catalogs: 1.3 Million Dollars
Coast to recall the catalogs, reprint and redistribute Fall Catalogs: 5.6 Million Dollars
The enjoyment Longhorn Fans had from this fiasco: Priceless

Enjoy the short video that has nothing to do with the above story,
but is further evidence of the hate and discontent the Aggies have……
for the Mighty Longhorns from the University of Texas at Austin.

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BORDER WAR

Missouri Tigers – Kansas Jayhawks

These two states have hated each other since Bill Quantrill burned Lawrence Kansas to the ground…
and even before that, there were hard feelings and hate.

The feelings are mutual and have festered over the years.

I know a number of Missourians who will correct me when I ask them…
“Isn’t Kansas the Sunflower State?”
They will politely tell me there are “Three kinds of Sun’s in Kansas”
Sunshine
Sunflowers
And
Sons of…you can figure out the rest of that on your own.

THE BACKYARD BRAWL

Pittsburg Panthers – West Virginia Mountaineers

This rivalry isn’t as intense as it once was….
But it is still filled with disgruntled fans from what was once “Steel Town” all the way
to the beautiful mountains of West “By God” Virginia.

Not only is this a rivalry for the ages in this particular part of the country, but as a side note,
You have to respect anybody like the Mountaineer faithful
who are willing to burn their “own” couch in their front yard after a win over a hated foe.

THE EGG BOWL

Mississippi State Bulldogs – Ole Miss Rebels

If you are looking for hate, passion and discontent that has no expiration date then look no further than the “Egg Bowl”.

In the Great State of Mississippi with poultry the current king of agriculture….
the Egg Bowl takes center stage this weekend and the rivalry has never been more intense, if that’s possible.

There will be harsh words, fights and more fights…….
and that’s just in the parking lot before the game. Make no mistake, this game is intense and emotions are raw.

BATTLE FOR THE GOLDEN BOOT

LSU Tigers – Arkansas Razorbacks

These two states, schools, fans, and alumni hate each other, period.
They have been playing for the four foot “Golden Boot” Trophy since 1901
But trophy or no trophy, they just hate each other.
Case in point, two years ago when the LSU Tigers won the 2007 National Championship……
there was a popular bumper sticker seen throughout Arkansas that I thoroughly enjoyed.
It read…..

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS 50
National Champion LSU Tigers 48

Priceless……

THE APPLE CUP

Washington Huskies – Washington State Cougars

I know this is “Big” deal in the State of Washington….
But let me clue you all on in a little secret…..
If your rivalry game has either a fruit or flower in the name
Then it’s not that big a deal outside your own state…
Sorry..

SUNSHINE STATE SHOWDOWN FOR THE GOVERNORS CUP

Florida Gators – Florida State Seminoles

I know, I know….
This is a relatively new rivalry as rivalries go; it began in 1958, when Coach Bobby was only 61 years “young”.
But this game is no less intense than older more established rivalries.
The Gator Nation hates the Seminole Nation and all they stand for and vice versa.

There have been some of the finest college football players to ever lace the cleats to play in this rivalry.
But I think this game can be summed up best by Coach Bobby himself when he said recently….
“You know when Ponce de Leon showed me the fountain of youth he told me watch out for Gators.”

How true, how true….

THE COMMONWEALTH CUP

Virginia Tech Hokies – Virginia Cavaliers

This fierce rivalry in the Old Dominion would mean more to me……
If I could remember the last time the Cavaliers won, but I can’t.

So it doesn’t it.

THE BEDLAM GAME

Oklahoma Sooners – Oklahoma State Cowboys

These two teams were playing each other before Oklahoma was even a state.
It’s Stillwater and the Cowboys verses the mighty Sooners of Norman.
They despise each other with a passion that can only instate rivals can appreciate.
They have accused each other of various dirty tricks over the years……..
From giving tainted food with laxatives to Sooner players to slow them down..(I’m serious….)
To wetting the field to slow down the likes of Barry Sanders….(I’m really serious…)
Throw the records out the window in this one; it’s always a battle for the ages.

CLEAN OLD FASHIONED HATE

Georgia Bulldogs – Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

There are few games that garner more hard feelings than this game between these two bitter instate rivals…..
hence the name of the game, in case you missed it.
The fans of the respective schools can’t agree on anything and disagree about everything.
They can’t even agree on how many times they have played the series.
But suffice to say this war has been going on since 1893, that’s right I said 1893.

This rivalry can best be summed up by the beloved Southern writer and University of Georgia Graduate Lewis Grizzard…
When reporting for the Atlanta Journal Constitution; Lewis left his entire column empty……
The day after the Yellow Jackets defeated his Bulldogs. One whole section in the Paper, blank.

The hard feelings in this one last forever…

BATTLE OF THE PALMETTO STATE

Clemson Tigers – South Carolina Gamecocks

You want a long standing rivalry?
This one has been going off and on since the 1880’s….
But the game itself is the longest standing uninterrupted series in the South.

There have been brawls, fights and riots since this series began
and it’s no less intense now with Coach Steve at the helm of the Gamecocks and Coach Sweeny with the Tigers.

This is one of those rivalries that transcend time and space.
No matter where you go in the world if you are a Gamecock or a Tiger
you carry this feeling with you going into this week, that cannot be defined or described.
It’s about beating “Them”, and being able to enjoy that win for the next year.

That my friends; is what a rivalry is all about.

THE IRON BOWL

Alabama Crimson Tide – Auburn Tigers

In the immortal words of Keith Jackson the voice of college football now and forever.

“There are rivalries and there are rivalries and then there is Alabama and Auburn”

This kind of Hate deserves its own section; The Iron Bowl edition will be out tomorrow.

So Stay tuned…
There is more hate and discontent to come..
Your Thanksgiving Edition of the Picks will be out soon….

RTR
MEB

The beloved University of Georgia’s mascot of two years UGA VII passed away suddenly this morning.
He was known as “Logan’s Best” and the 56 pound guy was only four years old.
I know Sonny Seiler and Miss Cecelia and their beautiful daughter Swann and the entire Bulldog nation
is devastated with his passing.

UGA VII will be buried with his predecessors in Sanford Stadium…..

There are no plans to replace him until next year……

If you think he was just a dog, you are wrong….
He wasn’t just a “dog”, he was “The Dog”….


I loved his face and seeing him in that jersey with the big red “G” on it….
He is the face of the University of Georgia and the heart and soul of their football team.

He represents the toughness and grit that has always symbolizes the state of Georgia in general
and the University in particular.
You all know I am not a Georgia Bulldog, but I love that dog….
Always have….

Maybe it’s because when I was growing up all I had was the love of a good dog

No matter what kind of day you had or who may have mistreated you…
they look at you with those eyes that pour forth love and devotion and you know the simplicity of love.

The simple act of wagging their tail…..
can make the trials and tribulations of a day disappear as you scratch their ears and pat their head.

I have poured forth my heart to many a four legged friend over the years….
usually as they chased a ball or a stick and they always listened intently
without offering any unsolicited advice or condemning me in any way.

I believe they are God’s gift to mankind….
A creature that symbolizes God’s love for us all…..

I don’t know why I went on a ramble here; I just know the Bulldog nation is hurting….
I am hurting with you….

I am not a smart man…
So I don’t know, as Disney Studios says that “All Dogs go to Heaven”

But I sure hope they do…

RTR
MEB

Much like my University’s mascot…
I have the memory of an elephant and I hardly ever forget anything.
As you might imagine, it’s a curse and blessing.

That being said….
I remember the following quotes from some noted Sports publications and commentators
back in August of this year before the college football season began.

Sports Illustrated

“Pete Carroll and the Trojans are even better than they were a year ago…”

“The Mighty Men of Troy will once again breeze through the PAC 10 and be in the National title picture…”

“Pete Carroll is the best college football coach in the country, hands down”

Fox Sports

“The Southern California Trojans won’t miss a beat this year…..
and their defense will be even better than it has been the past several years, and that is scary…”

“Coach Pete Carroll has one of the top two college football teams in the Nation”

Lisa Horne of Fox Sports

“Like it or not, Pete Carroll and the Southern California Trojans will be in the National Title game this year….”

“Matt Barkley will lead the Trojans to the National Title game….”

“Matt Barkley “may be” the first freshman to win the Heisman trophy…”

College Football News

“The Trojans will win the PAC 10 title hands down and will be in the National Title game at the end of the season…”

“The Men of Troy’s defense is scary good and even better than it was a year ago…”

ESPN

“Nobody in the PAC 10 can touch USC; the only question is who they will face in the National title game”

“Pete Carroll has assembled his finest team since his arrival on the Trojan campus”

ESPN’s Mark May

“Pete Carroll has such a wealth of talent at every position, all he has to do is reload”

“The Southern California Trojans will face either Texas or Florida in the National Championship game….
but Pete Carroll’s Trojans will definitely be in the title game.”

“Once the Trojans defeat Ohio State, nothing will slow them down until the National Title game”

CBS Sports

“Like it or not folks, the National Title will have to go through Pete Carroll’s Trojans”

THE CFB WIZARD

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator didn’t pick the Trojans to win anything….
not the conference title or be in the national title hunt.

And the emails flowed in with that prognostication didn’t they?

Some called me a “Trojan Hater”

Other emails from California and irate Trojan Fans called me far worse names.

Now after a school known more for their SAT scores than touchdowns…
Torched the Trojans for 55 points on “Homecoming” and Coach Pete and the Men of Troy are
“Where?” in the Pac 10 Conference standings, I have to ask all you detractors….

“How do you like me now?”

But look on the bright side U$C Trojan fans….
At least Coach Pete shook the Stanford’s Coach’s hand at the end of this game…
unlike the snub he gave him two years ago when the Cardinal Beat the Trojans at home.
So I guess, that counts for something…

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH SOUNDS OF STUPIDITY

Life is funny sometimes.
Just when you think some things have changed, they remain the same.
Take the University of Tennessee for instance..
Just when you think they Volunteers have a Football Coach…
that will restore a tattered reputation away from “Thug University”
and bring discipline back to a program that couldn’t spell it during the Phil Fulmer era….
once again we find ourselves back where we started.

In the event you haven’t heard or read about the three Tennessee Football players recent arrest
let me give you the “Low Lights” of the three Orange clad prodigal sons of stupidity.

Three Tennessee football players, one a “star” recruit and wearing his “Tennessee football regalia”
attempted to rob at gun point using a pellet gun, people in a vehicle at a truck stop
in the very same town in which they live and play football.

As you might imagine, it doesn’t end there….

One player was released by the police..
after presumably rolling over on the other two
and the other two players posted their bond that was set at $19,500 dollars each.

Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton had this to say…..

“We are evaluating the circumstances surrounding the incident before we make a decision”

Tennessee Football Coach Lane Kiffin had this to say……

“We are gathering all information until we make a decision…”

EDITORS NOTE: I wrote the very lines you are about to read…
time and time again about the same lousy excuses provided by Fat Phil Fulmer
and the then alcoholic Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee for similar incidents and some far worse.

So for the benefit of Coach Lane Kiffin and Athletic Director Mike Hamilton, let me make this one simple for you, O.K?

Wait for it…..

Wait for it….

There are ALREADY is plenty of “information” available to make a “decision”, it’s all in the police report, you two dumbass’s.

I sure hope that helps.

But I have two questions for Coach Lane, Mike Hamilton and all the loyal Volunteer Fans out there.

Who paid their bail and who is paying for their attorney’s?

Because it damn sure isn’t them or their families and we all know that don’t we?

More later in the week..

So stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

It’s your ole Buddy and Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Freaking Planet..
Hootie Snitch!

Before I get to talking about my brand damn new restaurant…
I got to get something off my chest about that game with them hated Crimson Tides.

First thing….
Coach Lane was “right on” about them damn referees and not calling penalties about Alabama.
They should have called a damn penalty every play for having too many people on the defense side.
Just look at that Mount Cody!
He’s as big as three of our boys and that should count extra on the field, that’s all I’m saying…

Second thing….
That fella that writes this column ought not to be making fun of Coach Phil Fulmer.
He’s only like the greatest coach that has ever freaking lived!
And just for the record, he ain’t “Fat”, he’s got big bones.
Like the kind you find in a dinosaur….

Now let me tell you about my new restaurant, “Snitch’s” right here in Baneberry.

See, I named it after my last name so’s I won’t have me an infringement.
Like I done last time with them Hooter’s people.

If you was wondering how I got the money to get me another restaurant after that last fiasco….
Well let yawl in on a little secret.

I done and went and got me some of that “Stimulus” money.

I sure as hell did!

I sent the government this form and then this fellow called me and asked me some questions.
Like what? I knew you was a going to ask..

He says, “Have you been under some hardship the past couple of years?”

I says, “Hell yeah”. I said that cause as much as I hate to admit it Phil Fulmer had placed a hardship on all of us Volunteer fans by “working like heck” as he used to say and not getting anything done, I think it’s cause he had low blood sugar.

Then the man asked me, “Do I feel better about the way things are now?”
I said “Hell yeah I do.”
I said that cause Coach Lane ain’t keeping the thugs and trouble makers on the team and they are in every dang game.

Then he says, “So will this business benefit the community and promote the environment?” I tell him “You damn skippy it will!”
Cause let’s face it, I got the best possum wings and muskrat nuggets on the freaking planet! And you want environment? I have the best environment for a Tennessee Volunteer game day party anywhere around here.

So guess what happened then?
I got me a check in the mail!

I damn sure did!

So coming soon….

The Grand Opening of “Snitch’s” right here in beautiful Baneberry Tennessee is a coming soon!

Our motto is…
We put the “U” in “Fun”..catchy ain’t it?

It ain’t completely fixed up yet, but I am gett’n er done!

That’s my Momma (Rowena) I have been a telling you about in the picture, she’s a helping out too.
We is going to launch her campaign to get into the International Tow Truck Hall of Fame and Museum from here too.
Hell yes we are!

Yawl is all welcome to come on down and party with me and all the Volunteer fans
and if any of you ladies out there want your picture taken with me, it’s free.

Hootie – Out!

No my friend you did not….

If you want to know what my problem is with the NCAA
then look no further than the question the gentleman proposed.

The national sports media refuses to discuss or mention the U$C investigation or Reggie Bush
because they are prostitutes to the NCAA and the rapidly declining American Dollar.
Well paid prostitutes, but prostitutes none the less.

I can hear the howls from the West Coast now….
“If there was anything to it (They will say…)
then the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA would have discovered something by now.”

I got news for you…
Those damn fools couldn’t find an elephant if they were tied to its tail
and you want to know why, because “they” don’t want to find anything.
“They” want this to just all go away….

The “investigators” at the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA make Hootie Snitch look like Melvin Purvis.

Beyond the above photographic evidence and Reggie Bush’s momma’s house paid for by Reggie’s then registered sports agent while he was still a student athlete for the Trojans, let me simply say this…

So O.J. Simpson and Snoop Dog and a host of other “former” athletes and convicted felons can “hang out” (according to Pete Carroll) in the Trojan locker room, football practice and on the sidelines of games, but Mr. Bryant of Oklahoma State can’t have any “interaction” with a former athlete like Deon Sanders?

The Los Angeles Times and other publications have reported
that sports agents have been a fixture in the Trojan locker room during the Pete Carroll era.
So that’s O.k.?

So where are we today with the NCAA?

The NCAA continues to fight Florida State University
on the release of their “investigation” into alleged academic fraud by some student athletes at the university.
I say “alleged” because the NCAA is afraid to have their “investigation” released to the public for their review and critique.

Yet the NCAA is silent on the “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

In Tuscaloosa….
The University of Alabama sent a strongly worded appeal to the NCAA which was met with even stronger verbiage form the NCAA Committee on Infractions that levied textbook sanctions against the Crimson Tide.
The COI called the University of Alabama “a serial repeat violator” with an “abysmal infractions track record” and a “extensive recent history of infraction cases unmatched by any other member institution in the NCAA,” in responding to the textbook appeal, according to documents released by the university on Tuesday.
The University of Alabama fired back to the COI statements by saying..
“At least 27 institutions have experienced the same number or more major infractions cases than the University of Alabama. Characterizing the University of Alabama as “abysmal” therefore maligns half of the PAC 10, half of the Big 12 and three schools in the ACC and four members of the Big 10.”

The COI argued that Alabama could have received harsher penalties.
This of course is the kind of response we have come to expect from the NCAA dictatorship, isn’t it?
To that the University replied, “If the COI has vacated all contests for all student athletes who received impermissible benefits, it would have found itself vacating contests based on benefits as small as 35 cents.”
Yet, we hear nothing from the NCAA on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and when did that “investigation” supposedly begin 2006?

So what should be done about the NCAA?
It’s simple….
The members of this “institution” need to revolt
Revolt and hold the NCAA hostage for a change
The member institutions should “Demand……”
If the NCAA doesn’t change their tactics and become more consistent
in all they do they we will secede from this corrupt organization.
If this is too tough for beginners, then how about this for starters..
tell us about the status on the NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

You won’t punish them then you ain’t punishing us..
that’s how it should work.

I have had many people tell me…
that secession from the NCAA could never happen..
because colleges and universities are afraid they would be outcasts from the collegiate sports community.

What happened to this country?
We used to be brave and courageous people
There was a time when we didn’t tolerate dictators

Now we are afraid of our own shadows…

We would rather listen to a lie and subject ourselves to abuse rather than revolt and cast off a dictatorship.

My Friends it’s time to be bold, courageous and brave and Secede from the NCAA

“Nex Usquequaque ut Tyrannus”

RTR
MEB

For the long time devoted readers of this column as well as for those of you that surf through or take a glance at the picks once a week, I want to thank you for your passion and devotion to college football and your respective teams.

I encourage debate, disagreement and on an occasion open hostility.
I enjoy the fire, fury and passion and all the pageantry that surrounds college football.

This column began once upon a time as a single page of “Picks” of college football games on a Microsoft word document with my “commentary” associated with each game forwarded around an office on an Air Force base in “Baja” Alabama.

I hope some of you will remember those days and smile.
I really appreciate all those guys and gals that encouraged me and kept this going.

This little college football column has survived moves, terrorism and war zones.

It has since grown to a website that is read by more than a few people from coast to coast and follows our military boys and girls and contractors wherever they may roam.

I get a great deal of satisfaction and joy knowing that so many people enjoy the College Football Wizard and my irreverent humor. And I hope on the rarest of occasions, you learn something that perhaps you didn’t know about the sport we love so much.

Many of you have been kind enough to convey those very thoughts and I greatly appreciate it, more than you might know.
But, this isn’t about fishing for compliments.

I am not nor have I ever been a journalist major in school.
I was never that intelligent as my articles clearly demonstrate.
I recognize I often write as though English were my “second” language behind my Southern euphemisms.
I won’t apologize for that.

So in my haste to get an article on the wire, there will be the occasional misspelled word or unstructured sentence.
I am sorry if that upsets anyone’s sensibilities.

In case you are just joining us…

I detest the Politically Correct crowd and the Nazis at the NCAA and all their bullying ways. I believe those that preach tolerance are traditionally the most intolerant people on the planet. I will not miss an opportunity to poke them in the eyes over their absurd actions and discrimination towards my beloved South.
I won’t apologize for that either.

I will continue to point out the bias of the NCAA and the National Sports media when it comes to the reporting and prosecution of such schools as the University of Southern California.
If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I know the Southeastern Conference and the Big 12 and to a lesser degree the Big Ten rule the College Football landscape, no matter what the television talking heads would have you believe.
It’s how it is….

I like tradition, not change for the sake of change or because somebody claims to have their feelings hurt.
If you live long enough, you are going to have your feelings stomped on like a winepress time and time again. It’s just the way it is….

I say all of that to simply say this…
If you are member of the “We know how to fix you poor dumb Southerners” crowd, don’t bother reading my articles or sending me emails or suggestions.
Because despite the fact I am a proud Southerner, I am neither poor nor dumb.
We may speak slowly, but we don’t think slowly.
Nor when the mood strikes us do we move slowly.

If it makes you feel superior to point out my inconsistencies in grammar, well good for you.
At least I still write better than Hootie Snitch.

If you want to call me a racist or a bigot, well that’s fine too.
We Southerners have endured far worse.

I write this column because it’s a labor of love for me.
I don’t do this for fame or money..
Although I am up for the prestigious Collard Greens Award again this year.
I write this for you…
Because you derive joy from it or something close to it and get the occasional laugh.

I will continue to be the College Football Wizard for as long as I am able and you all still enjoy it.

Not sure why I decided to share this with you all.
Maybe it’s because I am particularly stung by the personal attacks I received this past week.
Maybe it’s this kangaroo flu I am fighting.
I know it’s the kangaroo flu and not the bird or swine version..
because I have to hop to the bathroom to keep from pooping in my fur.

And lastly, I appreciate your encouragement, comments and rants. Keep them coming.

Your Picks will be out tomorrow.

RTR
MEB

We have a lot of college football news to discuss from Tallahassee to Tacoma….
So let’s get to it…..

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: This past week Athletic Director Mike Hamilton alluded to the Volunteer Football Team wearing black jerseys at selected home games this year….
Despite the fact “black” is not an official color of the University of Tennessee.
In case you were counting….
The current list of “official” University of Tennessee school colors is as follows:
Orangutan Orange
County Work Crew Orange
Road Cone Orange
Hunters Orange
Glow in the Dark Neon Orange
Cheetos Orange
Baboon ass Orange
Pumpkin Orange
Orange peel Orange
Cheese Curl Orange
Nehi Soda Orange
Orange Crème
Infected Spider Bite Orange
Just plain Orange
Teal
Light Blue
Magenta
White
Off-White
Cream
And
Black

EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking…
But this is nothing….
You should see how many mascots they have…
Which we will discuss in a later article….

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: This past week Stewart Mandel of SI posted his list of the “Top Ten Best College Football Coaches of All-Time.”

Who was Number One?

Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant….

Which goes to show you even a gibbering idiot can get it right occasionally….

FLORIDA STATE: As Bobby Bowden and the Seminole Faithful wait patiently for word on their appeal to the NCAA on the 14 vacated wins…..
It’s important to remember…..
Coach Wally English….
That name doesn’t ring a bell?
He was the Coach for the Tulane Green Wave in 1983…..

The NCAA took two wins away from him that season for playing with what they determined as an ineligible player….
The NCAA said the Green Wave had one ineligible player…
It was the quarterback and the coach’s son…
John English…
But more importantly…..

One of those “wins” went to Bobby Bowden and Florida State….

That’s right….
One of Bobby’s 382 career victories….was actually a loss.

Never mind the 31 games Coach Bobby won at Samford that is counted towards his grand total or his “Big Win” in the Golden Isle Bowl against Gordon Junior College…

The date was September 17, 1983 and the final score was Tulane 34 Florida State 28…

Coach Bobby, according to the asterisk in the Seminole Media Guide, won the game by “forfeit”.

But according to an interview Coach Bobby did on November 9th 1983…
and I quote Coach Bobby….

“I wouldn’t mind getting a little forfeit; I’m getting to the coward stage and will accept a forfeit”

So now the NCAA wants to forfeit 14 Seminole wins from Bobby’s record because they said he used ineligible players.

I guess Coach Bobby has learned the first rule of the NCAA…..

The NCAA giveth and the NCAA taketh away……

SOUTH CAROLINA: This past week the Gamecocks “Self-Reported” 14 secondary violations relating to the football and other athletic programs at the University.
The national sports media couldn’t wait to promote that as a headline…
But what are the secondary violations?
Such heinous crimes as student athletes using expired meal cards….
Not returning their text books on time….
And…..
“Unauthorized” Snacks…..

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t be surprised if the NCAA doesn’t give them all the electric chair…

But yet not a single word from the national sports media about the status of the NCAA “Investigation” into Southern California and Reggie Bush…
Not a word….
But they couldn’t wait to promote “another” Southeastern Conference School as “Cheaters.”

EDITORS NOTE: My friends how much more are we going to take before we secede from the NCAA?

Coach Bobby, can I get an “Amen”?

ESPN: See “South Carolina” above, you cowards.

FOXSPORTS: Please see “ESPN” above….

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: “If” you can read it….
Please see “South Carolina” above….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS: Read the above, Trojan lovers..

NCAA: So now that we are on the topic….
Where the hell are we with the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Make no mistake….
We aren’t going away…

NEWBERRY COLLEGE: Thanks to the NCAA….
The Newberry “Indians” were forced to drop their nickname in 2007 because it was deemed racist by the fine folks in Indianapolis.

Since that time….
Newberry has been unable to come up with a nickname that will satisfy the students, alumni and the NCAA.

So Newberry is a school without a mascot.

That’s why I am here….
Hence forth they will be known as….
The Newberry College “We don’t have a nickname because Myles Brand is a Jackass.”

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
It doesn’t sound very catchy…
But it has less profanity than my first choice….

FLORIDA: Good News and Some Bad news…..
The Good News….
Coach Urban Meyer isn’t going anywhere….
The Bad News…
Notre Dame is stuck with Coach Weis….
Sorry Charlie….

WASHINGTON: The Huskies are quietly loading up….
Remember you heard it here first….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME: On Saturday the College Football Hall of Fame will induct a number of notable names from college football.
Certainly all are worthy….
But I am very pleased that the committee finally got off their collective butts and elected Lou Holtz and the Great Billy Cannon of LSU into the Hall of Fame.

Congratulations….

It’s about damn time….

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously……
You folks aren’t on probation yet?

Do I need to show you a copy of the “lease” between the sports agent and Reggie’s Momma?

I will be glad too….
I am here to help….

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mike now that your website is increasing in popularity, do you feel like all the publicity has changed you?
Melanie – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Well, in an effort to keep up with current culture I am considering changing one of my kid’s names to an inanimate object, like “toaster”.
And although I don’t make enough money to do something ”eccentric” like trying to buy the elephant man’s bones, I can report my Labrador retriever dug up a dead squirrel in the back yard.

Q: Mike I heard NCAA President Myles Brand is gravely ill, is that true?
Ben – Middleton, Kentucky

A: That was incorrectly reported Ben…
Actually he isn’t ill….

This past week a wooden steak narrowly missed Myles Brand’s heart and the entire staff of the NCAA went back to their coffins until the next full moon reaches its zenith, which of course means another NCAA investigation into a southern school.
Better luck next time Buffy….

Q: Dude, do you think this is the year USC will go undefeated in the PAC 10 and win the National Championship?
Jelly – Santa Clarita, California

A: USC isn’t in the PAC 10 dumbass…..
That is the University of South Carolina …
and in case you were wondering…
USC was an established university when Mexicans ran California….
Nice to know some things haven’t changed…

And by the way….
What kind of damn name is “Jelly”?

Q: OMG! You know Matthew McConaughey? Like for real?
You said he was your friend! Like OMG!
Can you please, please get me his autograph?
I LOVE him!
Please!
Tammy – New Orleans, Louisiana

A: Matthew warned me this would happen….

Q: Why are you making us wait?
Tell us who won the “new” Tennessee Dog Mascot Contest!
Come on and Tell Us!
Brad – Germantown, Tennessee

A: Sorry Brad, entries are still arriving weekly….
But the “Winner” of the “new” Tennessee Dog mascot Contest will be announced in the College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza…coming soon…

Q: Mike you strike me as a philosophical man….
So I have to ask you…
Is the Hokey Pokey what it is really all about?
Thanks….
Ryan – Washington, D.C.

A: Well Ryan, it all depends on what your definition of “Hokey Pokey” is…
However, I will tell you….
Be careful using that term if you are traveling in or around the San Francisco area…
It takes on a whole different meaning there…
And as an added safety tip….
If you drop your wallet in that city, I would suggest you kick it to Reno Nevada before you pick it up…

Q: Mike I really enjoy your articles on college mascots.
But it occurred to me that my Indiana University doesn’t have a “Hoosier” mascot.
What gives? Shouldn’t they have a mascot to represent the Hoosiers?
Thanks!
Roy – Fort Wayne, Indiana

A: Actually Roy….
Indiana “had” a Hoosier mascot until a few years ago….
Despite looking like the progeny of “Brutus” the Buckeye and “Lil Red” of Nebraska,
Like many mascots “Hansel” the Hoosier came into this world all cute and cuddly.

But unfortunately “Hansel” the Hoosier was arrested for breaking into Dugan’s Garage and huffing gasoline.
He is currently in Rehab and the University hopes he will be released in 2010.

Enclosed is Hansel’s picture captured by a surveillance camera in Dugan’s Garage.

It’s sad really….

Q: Sir I am confused….
Is the University of New Mexico known as the “Lobo’s” or the “Hobo’s”?
Thanks!
Ronnie – Carlsbad, New Mexico

A: Glad you asked Ronnie…..
The proper name and pronunciation of the mascot of the University of New Mexico is “Ho-Bo’s”, hope that has cleared up any misunderstand.

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to say that there is a certain coach in a certain state that borders Georgia and North Carolina that really got a bum deal last year after getting beat by Wake, Alabama, and Maryland and others.
I mean, c’mon, this team got whipped by that devil Saban. Everybody knows he’s a lyin’ dog. He shouldn’t even be at Alabama after he said he wasn’t going there!! If he wouldn’t have been there, well, the school in question probably wouldn’t have got beat. And then Wake Forest!! Heck, they’re a ACC powerhouse. C’mon, that’s powerhouse with a capital ‘P’. And Maryland. Heck Ralph “the Fridge” Fridgeon is an offensive genius. He made the unnamed school’s defensive coach’s pull their hair out!
Maryland is just good like that.
Well, I just wanted to get that off my chest. This coach feels really, really bad about all that. He’s livin’ down on the beach in Florida now, mopin’ around, and wishing that all those alumni that gave him all that money to leave the unnamed school would have just kept their mouths shut. By the way, he’s looking for a school in the PAC 10 to coach at so he doesn’t have to win those dang National Championships. Those guys just want to make sure the participation rules are followed so that all their boys playing football still have high self esteem.
Sincerely,
Bommy Towden

A: Stop writing me Tommy…
Or I will get a restraining order…

Only 48 days until Kickoff….
Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out soon…
Enjoy your weekend….

And as a side note…
Be careful Hank and get home safe and sound…

RTR
MEB

They remember everything…
Forever…

Florida Gator fans will tell you they were the 1984 Southeastern Conference Champions, and it doesn’t make any difference to them what the NCAA has to say about it…

Michigan fans won’t let the Buckeyes forget the John Cooper era…

Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket fans won’t let Georgia forget last year…

And none of us…
Have forgotten about the NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

But the “I’ve Still Got the Red Ass from 2008 Award” goes too…

The Mighty Texas Longhorn Fans….

They will never forget the 2008 Red River Shootout against Oklahoma and the subsequent snub by the BCS committee for a shot at the National Title….

I know because I have heard about it at least ten times a week since December of 2008.

Longhorn fans are still angry, and rightly so….
They are mad with the BCS Committee or the “BS” Committee as it is known in most Texas Longhorn social circles…

And the Oklahoma Sooners…

So in Honor of this Rivalry and heart felt Grudge….
I present the following…

Evidence that none of us ever really “get over it….”

Click here to view the embedded video.

We may hear from Hootie Snitch later this week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

But he was a giant of a man….

Not by his height….
But by his life…

He was a war hero….

A sports pioneer….

A State Senator and a member of the Alabama House of Representatives

Mr. Bank was a “Man’s man”……

Mr. Bank was 94 years old when he passed away on Monday….

He survived the hellish Bataan Death March in World War II and 33 months in Japanese prison camps.

After the war he came home to Tuscaloosa…..
He opened the city’s second radio station, from there he launched the Alabama Football Radio Network in 1953.

Before Mr. Bank started this endeavor…
Alabama football games were broadcast by any radio station that wanted to carry the football games.

Mr. Bank changed all that….
He purchased exclusive broadcast rights to Alabama football, giving him a great deal of control on how Alabama football was marketed in the state and throughout the country. He began to sell the broadcast rights to other stations that wanted to carry Crimson Tide football, but it was slow going for a number of years.

That all changed……
In 1959 when Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant returned to the Capstone..

The story goes that Coach Bryant asked Mr. Bank how many stations made up the football network.

“Seven”, Bank said.

“Seven!” Bryant said, “That’s not good enough”

Mr. Bank said, “You’ve got to win if were going to get more stations.”

“Well”, Bryant replied….
“You better crank it up because we are going to win.”

And crank it up Mr. Bank did….

The network Mr. Bank began putting together for Coach Bryant is now one of the largest in the country, with over 60 stations in several states. Bank remained connected to every broadcast right up to his death, carrying the honorary title of “Producer Emeritus” for the past 20 years.

As if war hero and broadcast pioneer weren’t enough, Bank also served two terms in the Alabama House of Representatives and one term as a state senator, authoring, among others, a bill that resulted in the naming of Tuscaloosa’s “Bryant-Denny Stadium.”

He loved his family, Alabama football, its players, coaches and fans.

Most times, you didn’t know who he loved most….

But I know he loved Coach Bryant…

They don’t make men like Mr. Bank anymore….

We will miss you…..

RTR
MEB

Too often today you hear….
“Winning is the only thing that matters….”

Coach Pete Carroll at Southern California even wrote a book…
“Winning Forever….”

But there is no mention of “Class” and “Character” in the discussion.

In our “bottom line” world those words have taken a back seat to what is truly important in football and in life.

Sacrifice….

Commitment….

Dedication….

Class…..

Character….

There is no finer representative of those qualities….
Than Coach Mark Richt of the University of Georgia.

He has toured Iraq to visit our troops a number of times….
and delivered surprise visits to many a young uniformed Bulldog fan fighting for our freedom….

But he and his family are more than that…

They embody the words above and live them daily…
Take the time this Sunday to watch this short video…
And see for yourself….

Click here to view the embedded video.

Before I leave you to enjoy your Sunday…
I have to say….
“How Bout them DAWGS!”

RTR
MEB

I received a number of emails from the post on Friday asking…

“What is so special about a graduate assistant coach from the University of Hawaii being dismissed?”

“Why was he dismissed?”

He was dismissed from the team when the “new” coaching staff took over the Rainbow Warrior Football program after Coach June Jones left for the SMU Mustangs….
The “new” coach didn’t feel that Brian was a “good fit”….

“Who is Brian Kajiyama and why do you care?”

Well, I care because this guy is a fighter.

If you haven’t heard of Brian take a few minutes and enjoy his story….
I think you will agree with me…
He is a “Tough Guy”….

Click here to view the embedded video.

More later in the Week…
Enjoy your Sunday

RTR
MEB

Memorial Weekend is upon us…

For me this weekend is an enduring symbol of courage, heart and sacrifice.

So with that in mind I give you something to symbolize those qualities…

On the Football Field…

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank…
My Friends from Tyler Lee High School (Go Red Raiders)
In Beautiful Tyler Texas for this link..
And…
I don’t need to say this but…
Earl, No one has forgotten you my friend…

Have a Great Weekend…

We have a lot to discuss next week…
So, stay tuned..

RTR
MEB

However I have a question….
When Alabama recorded attendance for the spring scrimmage of almost ninety four thousand back in 2006, northeastern “sports writers” (I use that term loosley)…
Slammed the Alabama faithful by calling them….
“tobacco spitting hicks packing the stands waiting for the glory years of yesterday to return.”

Some of the “writers” went as far as to suggest that…
“southerners as a whole put too much emphasis on football”
Really?

So where are THOSE writers when proud Buckeyes filled the Big Horseshoe to capacity?
No where to be seen or heard….
You want to know why?

Because “they” don’t like us in the South….
and more specifically they despise the Southeastern Conference….

You think it ends there?
It doesn’t….
The most recent article on Fox Sports website with a link to the Trojan Loving “College Football News” opens with a picture of Alabama’s Coach Saban titled…
“Low Tide”….
We haven’t played a game in 2009…
Yet they title their article “Low Tide”?

They went on to “suggest” that the mighty Trojans of Southern California WILL be playing in the National Championship game next season….

But you want to know what else they failed to mention?

Not a word about the fact the “mighty” Trojans are starting a “new” quarterback or replacing a defense…
Or the fact they have a schedule that is softer than Charmine bathroom tissue…
Or play in a conference that produces competition that is about as stiff as a Twizzler…

But more importantly….

They didn’t mention a word about the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California.

The very same network that couldn’t wait for the NCAA Investigation before they pronounced Oklahoma “guilty” when two football players made “almost” nine thousand dollars over the summer at a local car dealership.

The same network that called the Alabama textbook investigation…
“A Scandal”

Yet a player from Southern California can have his family live in a 750K house rent free…
Accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars from a registered sports agent…

Or have a wide receiver from the University live in a $4500.00 a month apartment “rent free” for a year in a half…

Because “he didn’t know he had to pay rent…..”
And that’s all O.K. right?

The NCAA wants the Southern California case to go away and so do the networks.
Why?

Because it’s only us dirty tobbaco spitting Southerners that cheat…
That takes our football “too seriously..”

They hate us because of Tim Tebow..
Because of Hershel Walker…
The Wishbone..
Urban and Les…
Howards Rock…
And
Danny Ford…
And
Bo Jackson…
Nick
Mike the Tiger
And
The Bear…..

They hate us for our Character…
Because they have so little of it…

They hate us for our passion..
Because they don’t feel it…

They hate us for our Championships…
Because we are simply better than they are…

So if it’s alright with the fine folks from FOX Sports and the College Football News we will go ahead and play the games this year before they decide to give the trophy to Saint Pete’s Trojans.

But before I leave you this week…

Where is the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Speak up NCAA…
PAC 10 Conference…
ESPN…
FOX SPORTS….
College Football News….

We Southerners are a patient people…
When we aren’t spitting tobacco waiting for the glory days of yesteryear and taking our College Football too seriously.

But make no mistake..
We are waiting…

And before you ask…
No, I will not let this go…

RTR
MEB

As many of you may know….
There have been a lot of changes on the University of Tennessee campus since Lane Tiffin took over the Volunteer Football Program….

Running water…

In-door plumbing…

Electricity…

Shoes….

But prehaps the most striking change this year…
Will be the change to one (of the many) of the University of Tennessee’s Mascots.

That’s right, you heard it here first!
“Smokey” the blue tick hound….
Will be replaced with “something more recognizable” and with a “breed” more in tune with todays society.

Athletic Director Mike Hamilton and Coach Lane Tiffin are currently looking into the variety of options available.

In an effort to assist the University of Tennessee…
I have started my own on-line contest to assist them in their efforts.
Why?
Because I care….

The First entry comes from Gertrude Hobgoblin from Twisted Branch, Tennessee

“Hi my name is Gertrude Hobgoblin and I am 82 years old and I live in Twisted Branch Tennessee.
I think my poodle “Liberace” would make the perfect mascot for the Tennessee Vols!

Why just the other day we was a watching “Wheel of Fortune”
(Liberace just Loves Pat Sajak!)
There was this boy on there…
With a damn Florida Gator shirt on!

You know what Liberace done?
He hiked his leg and peed right on that television screen!

It shorted out my trailer and caused a small fire….
But it showed what he was a thinking about them damn Gators!

I think a poodle is the right dog for the Vols!

Plus if I win this contest I can get me some new teeth and a television set”

Our next entry this week comes from Chuck “Dumpy” Clark from Three Toe, Tennessee.

“My name is “Dumpy” Clark and I got the dog mascot for them Tennessee Volunteers!

His name is “Barney” and he may not look like much….
But you ought to here him a howl when them Vols score!
Granted he ain’t done it much in a year or so..
But he can do other tricks too!

You ought to see what he can do with your leg!
That boy loves him some leg!

Anyway, Vote for Barney and Go Vols!”

PS – They call me “Dumpy” cause I drive a dump truck….
not cause I had me a bathroom problem at that damn mexican joint near the by-pass.

Our last entry of the week comes to us….
All the way from Turkey Knuckle, Tennessee and Harold “Turnip” Stankle.

“Folks around here call me “Turnip” cause my head is a shaped like a Turnip…
But I ain’t a want’n to talk about that right now..

I got the dog them Volunteers are a looking for a mascot!

I call him “Peanut”…
This ole boy can flat get after it!

He does this little ole dance to Rocky Top that will make you fall off your bar stool!

I believe this dog is what Tennesse is all about!
I say we put ole Peanut in the game and see what he can do!
What do you say?

PS – I was a going to put a jersey on him….
But he bit the hell out of me when I was a trying to squeeze it over his head and then he run up that gum tree.

I got to go to the vet now and get a shot before a damn inclination sets in”

If nothing else….
I think we may have found our replacement for Hootie…

Feel free to Vote right here my loyal readers…
The University of Tennessee needs your help.

Have a great weekend….

RTR
MEB

This past weekend….
The University of Alabama, along with a number of other Colleges..
completed their spring practice with the much anticipated spring game.

As with most colleges, it is a time to evaluate the team…
and provide a foundation for the future.

It is also a time to see old friends and teammates and enjoy the festivities on campus.

One such event took place this past weekend in Tuscaloosa…

The University sponsored a 7 on 7 flag football game…
It pitted decades of great Alabama football players against one another….

Playing in that game was a former player…Tyrone Prothro
He had not been in front of the home crowd since bringing the game ball out two years ago…

A devastating injury cut his playing career short…

But he will always be remembered for “the catch”…

As I often say….
The Legends of Fall live forever…

So I present a brief review of a career that ended far too soon of one the greatest players ever to play the game…

Click here to view the embedded video.

More College Football News Later in the Week…

Along with a tribute to another true Legend of the Fall…

The Great 1945 Heisman Trophy winner…
Mr. Inside…
Felix “Doc” Blanchard…

RTR
MEB

Much like Ward Cleaver…

I too Hail the Power of the Beaver….

OREGON STATE BEAVERS 27

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN$ 21

Congratulations to the Oregon State Beavers for killing the hopes and dreams of the most overrated team in all of College Football for the last ten years…

That (O’ By the Way)…
Should be on NCAA Probation by now anyway…

I am SO Glad I was wrong about that game….

More later today…

RTR
MEB

We only have time to cover those College Football Games that take place between now and Saturday…

So Please…Stay tuned.

We have a lot to discuss on Friday in Part II of Your Week Five College Football Picks…

We will have the Weekly Round Up…

Email Questions and Answers….

And the All Important Games of the Week…

 Alabama and Georgia between the hedges…

Arkansas and Texas in an old Fashion Southwest Conference Fight….

The Thundering Herd of Marshall travel to Morgantown to take on the Mountaineers of West Virginia…

And a whole lot more….

See you back here on Friday for all the games…

Also….

Before I forget…
Hootie Snitch (The Self Proclaimed “Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!”) found his mothers dentures….
So you Tennessee Fans can call off the search.

Her teeth were found in the glovebox of her Towtruck behind the “New” pair of Channel Locks…

Enjoy your Picks!

Thursday September 25th

Southern Methodist at Tulane
My Mighty Mustangs are only a year away….
GREEN WAVE 33-23

Southern California at Oregon State
I don’t know which is worse…
Knowing the Trojans are going to win…
OR the National Sports Media slobber fest that will take place over the next four hours on “How Great The Trojans Are..”
TROJANS 43-17

Friday September 26th

Connecticut at Louisville
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
Don’t try and Stop Me!….
Just Believe….
CARDINALS 31-27

Hofstra at Stony Brook
The truth is, I could care less about a school named after a lung infection….
But this game does remind me that it’s time for a shamless plug for my friends at Stony Brook Chalets in Beautiful Gatlinburg….
There isn’t a better place on the planet to relax and recharge than at Stony Brook…
Give them a call….you will be glad you did.

http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/

See you back here tomorrow…

RTR
MEB

Most of you have heard or read about the Big raise given a number of Tennessee Volunteer Coaches in the wake of a reported 11 Million Dollar shortfall in the University of Tennessee budget.

According to published reports Coach Phil Fulmer will receive a One Million Dollar raise going into the 2008 season, making him the fourth highest paid football coach in the Southeastern Conference.

You may be wondering if the raise has gone to Phil’s head.

I have on good authority that Coach Phil had a painting of himself commissioned for the Volunteer Locker room, in an effort to “Inspire” and “motivate” his players. Coach Phil was reported to have said when he viewed the painting for the first time; “Now that is what I call, Classy!”

See for yourself…

No word yet if any of the money is deferred to Krispy Kreme stock options.

Only 50 more Days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

It saddens me to report that the beloved University of Georgia mascot UGA VI passed away last Friday.

The English Bulldog was the largest of all Georgia mascots at 65 pounds and represented the University of Georgia during two Southeastern Conference Championships and posted the best record of any mascot with the football team during his ten year rein at 87 and 27.

“He was a good one”, owner Frank W. “Sonny” Seiler said in a statement released by the university.

“What can I say? He had a marvelous record. He was a very strong and healthy dog. He was the biggest of all the dogs, and he had the biggest heart. It just played out.”

UGA VI was buried yesterday in his famous kennel; entombed in the granite and marble mausoleum in the southwest corner of Sanford Stadium where UGA’s five predecessors are buried.

COMMENTARY

Many of you may be saying, what’s the big deal; It was just a dog, or why should he care he isn’t a Georgia man.

But I do care.

I care because I love the pageantry and tradition of college football and it doesn’t get any better than seeing UGA on the field with his red letter sweater barking at the opposing team.

I care because I have never met a bad Georgia Bulldog fan.

I care because I think the world of Sonny Seiler and his bride Miss Cecelia.

I care because of Lewis Grizzard and Vince Dooley.

I care because UGA VI tried to bite that smartass Auburn football player a few years ago.

I care because the Bulldog Nation would line up for hours, just to have their picture taken with him.

I care because I loved that Big Ole Bulldog.

Written on the side of UGA VI’s famous kennel in red and black letters, it said……..”A Damn Good Dawg.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

RTR
MEB

I will apologize in advance as this may be your only update this week. However we do have some college football news to report and some Email Q & A to cover for your information and entertainment.

So let’s get to it shall we?

DUKE: A Kentucky judge has confirmed what Duke football fans have known for years: Their football team is as bad as it gets.

Bad enough that Louisville should have to find another football team to replace the Blue Devils without penalty after Duke pulled out of the final three games of a four game contract last season.

In a lawsuit filed late last year, Louisville asked for $450,000 dollars in damages and any additional damages the court saw fit to award.

But Duke’s lawyers argued that the Blue Devils performance on the field was so poor that any Division I team would suffice as a replacement. Duke is 6-45 over the past five years and 13-90 since 1999.

Simply put, eleven hamsters would provide a bigger challenge to an opposing team.

NOTRE DAME: How bad is your football program when your Athletic Director would leave for the same position at Duke? Well, the Fighting Irish Athletic Director Kevin White did that just last week.

EDITORS NOTE: This is a sure sign that you suck.

OLYMPICS: Believe it or not, in Las Vegas this week a group is meeting to determine who will represent the United States in an Olympic demonstration of “Rock-Paper-Scissors”, in hopes that this will become an actual Olympic event in the near future.

One gibbering idiot was quoted as saying: “The manual dexterity and mental acuity to be a champion in this sport is equal to any sport anywhere in the world.”

EDITORS NOTE: What are we going to hear next? Wang Chang Foo is the Mark Spitz of “Rock-Paper-Scissors”? Kill me now.

ALABAMA: This week starting linebacker and one time running back Jimmy Johns was arrested in a drug sting by local police on five counts of selling cocaine.

Coach Nick Saban immediately responded with this statement: “This type of behavior obviously will not be tolerated and he is no longer a part of our program.”

EDITORS NOTE: Please note that at no time did Coach Nick say “He was looking into it” or “Waiting for all the facts” or even mention giving Johns another chance.
For the fans in Tallahassee and Knoxville; this is how it is done.

NCAA: Just in case you were wondering. We are all STILL waiting to hear about the investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California.

EMAIL Q and A

Q: You wrote that “Most California fans” are of the “fair weather” type. In your mind, what constitutes a fair weather fan?
Brad – La Jolla, California
A: There are alot of ways to determine a fair weather fan Brad. But lets take a look at the most noticeable.

If all your college game day wear STILL has the price tag on it and it hasn’t been washed and not because it’s “lucky”, then you are most certainly a “fair weather” fan.
In California Speak: If the brand new shirt fits, then I don’t have to acquit.

Q: Mike, couldn’t you at least “try” and be a fan of the University of Southern California Trojans?
Jenna – Los Angeles, California
A: I would rather play Twister with Rosie O’Donnell.

EDITORS NOTE: I made myself throw up with that visual, sorry.

Q: Hello? Ever heard of the Ivy League?
Roxanne -Ithaca, New York
A: No I haven’t and you want to know why? Because your marching bands suck. And as a side note: Your cheerleaders look like they could floss with a number two pencil.

Q: For your information San Jose State is a “big” in-state rivalry game with both the University of Southern California and the Golden Bears of California!
Juan – Berkeley, California
A: Has anybody ever gotten killed over the results of the football game or divorced over your team affiliations? Then it’s not a “Big” rivalry game dumbass.

Q: How dare you dismiss AI Day on Trojan gameday! Amensty International Day brought “awareness” to the plight of the political prisoners unlawfully detained in this country! I am sure that the concept of justice is too difficult for you to understand!
Stephan G. – Los Angeles, California
A: I understand a lot of things Stephan. For example, I understand that you are a wussy with too much time on your hands.  

Q: Why all the hostility towards California? Frankly it saddens me. I believe that if we just shake hands, it will send a message of hope and peace and understanding. What do you say?
Amarella Sanchez – Encinitas, California
A: Shaking hands with someone from southern California is like shaking hands with a damp Twizzler.

Only 64 Days until Kickoff………

RTR
MEB

It would appear from the number of emails I received after my last post that I hit a nerve with some football fans of “anything” California. It is also apparent that I have offended a large number of northern football fans living near the artic circle. I am assuming they read my post when they weren’t chewing whale blubber.

Before we go any further let me take a moment to bring a silver lining to this discussion and clear up any misunderstanding.

For the folks who reside near the artic circle that were offended by my last post; look on the bright side.
You may not be very good in the world of college football, but you still have the winter Olympics!
Curling! YES!

To my “Highly Offended” football fans from California let me simplify this argument for you.

We are different.

You think you have all the answers.

We Know you don’t.

When one of our players is accused of accepting money from a Booster or one of our universities undergoes an NCAA inquisition you say we have a “Plantation Mentality.”

When one of your players has been paid by a Booster or your university undergoes an NCAA investigation you say “the system is flawed.”

Certainly there are other differences as well.

We know the “Real” Death Valley isn’t in the desert…

To us the Third Saturday in October means something special….

We know that Ninety Thousand people will fit into a Swamp…

We know that Bo still Knows….

We Know that Hershal is a stallion and Earl is a Longhorn..

We Invented tailgating….
EDITORS NOTE: Not to be confused with the same term and or activity used in and around the San Francisco bay area.

Most of OUR mascots can and will hurt you if given the chance…

I hope this helped.

Before I forget, Hootie Snitch will return next week as he is still trying to sober up from his trip to the South Carolina Cooter Festival. Before you even ask, yes I am serious.
http://www.cooterfest.com/

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

GEORGIA STATE: I will try and write this particular piece again without breaking into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Georgia State has started a football program and named Bill Curry as their Head Coach.

Yes, That Bill Curry

There is Good news and Bad news here folks.

The Bad News is that Georgia State hired Bill Curry as their Head Coach.
The Good News is the rest of us won’t have to listen to his winy “know it all” ass cry on television anymore about how the Alabama fans never embraced him at the Capstone.

OPERATION MORALE: Recently a number of college football coaches traveled across Southwest Asia on “Operation Morale” to visit with our tropps and to thank them for their sacrifice and service. Notable Coaches on the tour included Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis, Mark Richt of Georgia, Miami Hurricane Coach randy Sahnnon and Tommy Tubberville of Auburn.

Thank you to all the coaches; those boys and girls really appreciated it.

EDITORS NOTE: Despite the fact a number of reported terrorist seemed to “disappear” in Baghdad, there is no truth to the rumor that Charlie Weis ingested any Al-Qaeda operatives while he was in Iraq.

Also the rumors circulating that Tommy Tubberville’s ears were used to listen to conversations in the distant caves of Afghanistan are completely false. Everyone knows his ears only have an estimated sensitive hearing radius (ESHR) of five hundred miles.

GEORGIA: It’s a sad day between the hedges.

John Rauch, the former Bulldog quarterback and Oakland Raider Head Coach in Super Bowl II died at his home in Oldsmar Florida. he was 80 years old.

Rauch became a four year starter for the Bulldogs from 1945 to 1948 and he was the first player in college football history to start in four consecutive bowl games. Het set the NCAA record with 4,044 career passing yards while leading the Georgia Bulldogs to a 36-8-1 record and two consecutive Southeastern Conference Championships.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Hokie’s prized recruit who led Amherst High School to consecutive Group AA State Championships and was voted the Associated Press Virginia Player of the Year is facing felony drug charges.

Peter Rose, the first team quarterback and AP Group AA Player of the Year in 2007, was charged with two counts of distribution of drugs within 1,000 feet of a school.

Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden was reported to have said concerning the arrest: ” If he would have signed with us we would have provided him with bail money and a decent attorney.”

TENNESSEE: This past week, University of Tennessee President John Petersen announced that a number of academic programs will be eliminated in order to cover the reported 11 million dollar shortfall in the university budget.

One program that will be eliminated is the minor in dance curriculum.
No word yet on how this will effect the academic standing of the football team.

EDITORS NOTE: Thank God they STILL have the Walking classes for the football players or none of them would be eligible.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Believe it or not, the investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush is still “ongoing.” Ole Reggie’s attorneys are working overtime to prevent the lawsuit from his “former” sports agent Lloyd Lake from being conducted in a public forum.
Currently the lawsuit has been delayed as Reggie’s attorneys have reserved an 11 July court date to argue a motion to compel arbitration and want the case stayed until that motion is heard.
If the case is stayed and moved out of court, it would cut off potential court-related evidence available to the NCAA, which as we all know is “investigating” whether Bush and his family recevied impermissible benefits from Lake and his former business partner Michael Michaels.

Bush and the Trojans don’t act like they are innocent, do they?

EDITORS NOTE: Whatever happened to the NCAA finding a team or individual guilty on circumstantial evidence?

NCAA: Hey Matlock, have you found Reggie Bush’s parents house yet?

Only 70 days until Kickoff…….

RTR
MEB

I have received a number of emails recently concerning my “bias” of Southern football in general and the Southeastern Conference in particular.

Some have commented that I need to be more “fair and balanced”. While others have suggested that such and such and so in so conference or university has a better team or teams than the Southeastern Conference.

One reader went as far as to suggest that Southern California “should” have been declared the National Champions last year because they were “better” at the end of the year than LSU.

Let me take a moment to respond to such criticism.

We Southerners have never bought into the “kinder and gentler” thought process, particulary when it comes to college football.

At least “real” Southerners haven’t.

We don’t allow our children to “choose” a college football team on their own, God forbid.

The little ones learn early and fast what “their” colors are and good parenting is often judged by how soon your children learn the fight song and know the name of their respective mascot.

And frankly I support that theory.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Yankees usually let their children “decide on their own” so their “creativity” isn’t dampened later in life. That is why most of their children are gibbering idiots by the time they are ten years old.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exceptions to this rule of course are Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State Fans.

While most northern families are talking to their children about the Kennedy Dynasty and the advantages of socialism, we in the South have educated our children in the ways of Bryant, Dooley, Dietzel and Shug.
We have taken the time to explain the Wishbone Offense to our kids and ran it with them in the back yard.
Unlike socialism, we have proven to our children the Wishbone offense works.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exceptions to this rule of course are Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State Fans.

California college football fans which are almost always of the “Fair Weather” type are still stuck in the mindset of the 1960′s with “Hey, it’s just a game” or “Who wants a Zima and some Tofu?” and “Can’t we all just get along” attitude.

Let me be the first to break the news to you Sunshine: We Can’t, Don’t and Won’t all get along.
In fact we don’t like you. Not even a little bit.

You are the Paris Hilton of the college football world.

While you are getting “all fired up” to play Fresno, Jalapeno or San Jose State somewhere in the South a titanic struggle is taking place between proud programs that will be talked about for generations.

You think having a “Amnesty International Day” on game day is exciting?
Then you don’t want to go to Clemson, Blacksburg, Gainesville, Athens or Baton Rouge on a Saturday night.

Your heart wouldn’t be able to stand it.

We in the South own the landscape of College Football and all the ESPN announcers and left coast commentaries and NCAA Bull Butter in the world won’t change that fact.

Only 72 days until kickoff……

RTR
MEB

These are what I like to refer to as the “Dog Daze” of College Football when the college football players have yet to report to summer camp and kickoff is still three months away.

It is depressing really, especially when you consider the alternative this time of year for “sports” on television.

CLASSIC POKER: On first glance I thought this was going to be an old grainy adult movie from the 1960′s, but instead I saw a bunch of knuckleheads setting around a table playing cards.
If you find this entertaining, let me be the first to tell you that you don’t have a life.

CLASSIC BOWLING: First things first; Bowling is NOT a sport.
Why do I make such a bold claim?
Simple: If you can wear plaid pants and a funny shirt and drink beer while you are engaged in a particular activity, then it’s not a real sport. (See Golf)

EDITORS NOTE: What’s next “Classic Badminton”?

CRICKET: In the South we don’t play with crickets we fish with them.

LACROSSE: If I wanted to see men in funny shorts chase each other around with fishing nets then I would go to the Pro Bass Tournament in South Alabama, at least alcohol is involved there.

WOMEN’S BEACH VOLLEYBALL: You had me at “women in swim suits”, but the rest of this is just stupid.
It’s like trying to make sense out of watching “Baywatch”.

LUMBERJACK CHAMPIONSHIPS: I hate when ESPN airs these programs! They remind me that I have work to do in the yard instead of watching a replay of the 1992 Sugar Bowl.

HOCKEY: Why would I watch people with a bad dental plan when I just got back from my wife’s family reunion in eastern Kentucky?

SPELLING BEES: Yes, that has actually been shown on ESPN, can you believe it?
What’s next, “Classic Spelling Bee Moments”? God Help us……

PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL: One question; Why does each team have to play 1,625 games in a single season and then STILL have to play a seven game series to determine who the actual Champion is? How long does their season last anyway, eleven and a half months out of the year?

PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL (MEN): You pay players a zillion dollars a year and they can’t hit a foul shot and you expect me to believe this is a “professional” sport?
As to their year long season, please see professional baseball above on schedules and playoff information.

PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL (MEN-LITE): I know that many of you may be outraged by my categorization of these amazons as “men-lite”. The truth is, the only diffrence between them and their more masculine counterparts are somewhat fewer tattoos and a higher percentage of lesbians.

TRACK & FIELD: The only thing more boring than track is field.

THE OLYMPICS: When you have a “committee” that is actually “studying” the possibility of making Poker, Bicycle Jumping and Yoga an Olympic event then you have a bunch of gibbering idiots that wouldn’t know a REAL sport if it tackled them.

Also, do I care that Olympic athlete Chang Wang Woo once had polio and likes Velvetta?
The answer is NO, I do not.

SOCCER: The First Rule of any “Sport” is this: If Frenchmen can play it then it’s NOT a real sport. And before you attack me with “everybody plays soccer” let me say this: If my beloved University has a soccer team I am blissfully unaware.

GOLF: Please See Bowling.

Only 83 Days until Kickoff…..

Remember that today is the Anniversary of the Normandy Invasion: D-Day.
NEVER forget the sacrifice made by our military to secure our freedom yesterday, today and tomorrow.

RTR
MEB