Before we get into this Week’s Picks I believe Congratulations are in order….

After defeating the James Madison Dukes last Saturday the University of New Hampshire Wildcats can take their rightful place as the Number Three Ranked team in College Football!

This of course is based upon the BCS formula of the “three degrees of separation” as it relates to the Virginia Tech Hokies.

Meaning: On the merit of Boise State’s win over Virginia Tech, the Bronco’s moved to the Number Three Ranking, correct? The following week James Madison defeated Virginia Tech and they should have been elevated to at least a Number Three ranking as well, right?

That brings us to last Saturday…
The New Hampshire Wildcats defeated the James Madison Dukes, who defeated the Virginia Tech Hokies and thus are the Number Three Team in College Football!

Now that you understand the logic associated with the BCS….
You too are qualified to determine who will play in the BCS Championship game…

EDITORS NOTES: Based on the BCS formula….
I think New Hampshire has a real shot at the title game..Don’t you?

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

You know it’s a tough week when Chuck Norris references can’t help you….
Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a dismal 40 and 14 or 74%.
That drops me to 335 and 69 or 83% after seven weeks of college football.
But this is no time to dwell on post Saturday heartbreak….

EDITORS NOTE: South Carolina and Nebraska fans take note
It’s the Third Saturday in October….
And that means war….

DUMBASS OF THE WEEK AWARD

In a photo finish….
The Dumbass of the Week Award goes to none other than CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson who said last week after Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett left the game with Auburn with an undisclosed injury….
“ I talk to the Arkansas trainers and I got me no information on it”

EDITORS NOTE: Before the season is over….
I hope Tracy gets “Hooked on Phonics”

Second runner-up for this week’s award goes to Tracy’s colleague in the CBS booth, Vern Lundquist who stated near halftime of the Arkansas – Auburn contest….
“Stay tuned to CBS for all of today’s gay highlights from around the country”

EDITORS NOTES: Who knew Vern was a Kenny Chesney fan?

FAN FAVORITE OF THE WEEK AWARD

This week the Auburn Tiger fans have selected as “The Fan Favorite of the Week”
Southeastern Conference referee Penn Wagers of Summerville South Carolina for providing the Tigers with two unassisted touchdowns in their victory over the Arkansas Razorbacks!
Although they didn’t need the additional touchdowns to win the game…
It is nice to know that Penn cared enough to give the Tigers the extra added bonus to ensure victory!
Congratulations to Penn and War Damn Eagle!

THE PICKS

Thursday October 20th

UCLA at Oregon
This game will be chocked full of Quackers and Bears..
Which coincidently is not unlike a box of animal crackers
QUACK ATTACK 43-17

Friday October 21st

South Florida at Cincinnati
The Boys from Chili Town are fresh off their victory for the Keg of Nails
And that is good enough for me….
BEARKATS 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: Also Cincinnati is the home of Skyline Chili which greatly influences my selection process when it comes to picking the BearKats, just so you know.

Saturday October 22nd

Syracuse at West Virginia
Otto the Orange will feel out of place in Morgantown…
Especially when they roast him on a couch…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Moravian at Juniata
I wonder….
If Morons come from Moravian?
Not that it matters to Juanita
J-LO 28-10

Duke at Virginia Tech
Blue Devils fans finally have something to cheer about…
Basketball season is almost here..
HOKEY POKEY 43-17

Iowa State at Texas
My beloved Longhorns….
Have returned to their winning ways before my liver fell out and my spleen exploded.
Which is nice…
LONGHORNS 28-17

Michigan State at Northwestern
The Spartans are undefeated at this point in the season for the first time in 44 years…
That trend will continue in the Windy City on Saturday…
SPARTANS 38-14

Notre Dame at Navy
Even Golden garden Gnomes won’t help the Fighting Leprechauns this week..
Believe it…
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Penn State at Minnesota
The Not So very Golden Gophers have one problem…
Actually they have a lot of problems…
No offense, no defense and nonexistent special teams….
But let’s keep this simple shall we?
Jo Pa is coming to town….
The Governors’ Bell Trophy goes too…
JOE’S LIONS 33-10

Ole Miss at Arkansas
One question….
What the hell does a foam rubber bear have to do with the “Ole Miss Rebels”?
Is that a “rebel” bear? Does he just not get along with the other bears?
Does he do a keen James Dean impression?
That’s just stupid….
RAZORBACKS 38-24

Mars Hill at Carson Newman
You know illegal immigration is a problem…
When people from Mars have their own college..
SPARKS EAGLES 43-28

Indiana at Illinois
This Big Twelve, Eleven, I mean Ten Rivalry…
Is played each year for the “Bottom Feeder of the Conference Trophy”
In case you were wondering….
The Trophy is a stuffed Catfish….
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 31-17

Delaware at William and Mary
This game will have Bill and Mary chasing some hens around a field…
Throw in some fireworks and some liquor and you have a weekend at Hootie Snitch’s house..
BLUE HENS 38-24

Purdue at Ohio State
The Boilermakers will need a few after this one is over….
The Buckeyes have a mean on…
BUCKEYES 34-14

Rutgers at Pittsburgh
The Knights will leave the home of Iron City Beer with a Scarlett face…
Believe it…
PANTHERS 24-17

Maryland at Boston College
Honestly this game is a tossup….
Because both teams have more personalities than a schizophrenic
TURTLEMEN 24-21

Ohio at Miami (OH)
Coach Franks Cats of Bob are ready but the boys from Miami are red hot..
RED HAWKS 33-28

Wyoming at Brigham Young
I have a philosophical question….
If Wyoming and Washington State played against each other..
How many days would it be until someone scored?
COUGARS 38-10

Chattanooga at Furman
Choo-Choo and Chewbacca….
Sounds like a chewing tobacco company…
MIGHTY MOCS 28-24

Northern Arizona at Montana
Not even a bunch of lumberjacks can calm a grizzly bear…
I saw that once on the Animal Planet…
GRIZZZZZZZ 41-24

Kent State at Bowling Green
This battle of the Buckeye State is played for the “Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”
Because if you aren’t the Buckeyes in Ohio, then nobody cares…
FALCONS 31-17

Rice at Central Florida
My Favorite Pudding doesn’t get breaded this weekend….
PUDDING POPS 28-24

Connecticut at Louisville
I still believe the Cardinals are Strong….
STRONGS CARDNIALS 31-28

North Alabama at Ouachita Baptist
Little known fact..
Like most denominations of the Baptist faith….
The Ouachita Baptist will not make love standing up…
For fear someone will see them and think they were dancing..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-14

Kansas State at Baylor
In case you were wondering..
The slogan…
“Let’s go Wacko in Waco”
Wasn’t cool anymore when the Branch Davidians moved into the neighborhood
WILDCATS 28-20

Millsaps at Centre
I didn’t know Ronnie Millsaps had his own college?
I wonder if Conway Twitty does too?
Never mind…
RONNIE’S BOYS 24-17

Wisconsin at Iowa
I told you about the Power of Cheese last week…
This week it’s all about Cheese Curls…
HAWKS EYES 31-24

LSU at Auburn
I am going out on a limb here….
But I believe the Tigers are going to win this game…
Call it a Prognosticators Hunch….
TIGERS 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Fightn’ Tigers…..

Georgia Tech at Clemson
I think it’s worth mentioning here….
I miss my adopted Clemson Tiger Family…
This one is for you all….
DABO’S TIGERS 28-23

Houston at Southern Methodist
I know my Ponies took it on the chin last weekend….

EDITORS NOTE: That was in no way intended as a slight on the Chinese people..
This country owes them far too much money for me to make them angry

MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Arizona State at California
I would watch this game…..
But there is a “special” on Sea Monkeys on the Discovery Channel.
You do know they are natures perfect animal, right?
DEVILS of the SUN 6-3

Massachusetts at New Hampshire
The Nations Number Three Wildcats takes on the Men of Minutes…
In a clash which is located ten miles from the arctic circle…
Just thought I would throw that in…
WILDCATS 24-17

Marshall at East Carolina
I won’t forget the Thundering Herd’s game with the Pirates on November 14th 1970…
And neither should you…
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24

Hawaii at Utah State
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it…
But Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E Network on Wednesday Evenings..
Check your local listings for times in your area…
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting on RAINBOWS 38-28

Washington State at Stanford
I don’t know if I mentioned it…..
But the Cougars couldn’t beat the West Orange Texas High School Mustangs…
And that’s a damn fact
CARDINAL 151-0

New Mexico State at Idaho
Have you seen the Idaho Vandal mascot?
He really does look a pedophile out on parole….
I half expect to see him with an ankle tracker…
PISTOL PETE 38-34

Eastern Michigan at Virginia
I don’t mean to be cavalier about my selection here….
CAVALIERS 31-21

Colorado State at Utah
“Two what? What was that word? Two What?”

Click here to view the embedded video.

UAB at Mississippi State
Coach Dan’s Bulldogs have already done some Urban renewal in the Swamp..
Now they are ready for homecoming in Starkville
DAN’S DAWGS 34-10

South Carolina at Vanderbilt
Coach Steve will have his Roosters ready to crow in the Music City
Believe it…
GAMECOCKS 38-17

Texas A&M at Kansas
I would watch this game but I am hosting a Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey accessory party…
It’s like a Tupperware party except with Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey accessories.
I did tell you they were natures perfect animal right?
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Alabama at Tennessee
It’s the Third Saturday in October….
This is Republicans and Democrats..
Its Cowboys and Indians…
Its oil and water
Except its worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

North Carolina at Miami
The Heels get Tarred in South Beach….
And “No” it has nothing to do with the BP Oil spill…
HURRICANES 24-21

Georgia at Kentucky
Here is a little lesson in life….
Dawgs tree cats, it’s what they do…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Air Force at Texas Christian
The Mighty Falcons get grounded in Fort Worth…
And it won’t be due to bad weather…
HORNED FROGS 38-17

Washington at Arizona
Didn’t I mention earlier that Dogs tree cats?
I did?
Then this one is easy…
HUSKIES 31-24

Nebraska at Oklahoma State
The Prairie Wind is getting ready to touch the Cowboys in the naughty place…
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Oklahoma at Missouri
UPSET SPECIAL!
MO Knows Upsets…
I know that because on every episode of the Three Stooges MO looks upset..
MO’S TIGERS 33-28

Texas Tech at Colorado
The Red Raiders saddle up to get back to their winning ways….
At least that’s the plan…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 28-24

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Many of you have been kind enough to write “What Happened to Last Weeks Picks?”

I was going to write that I had the unfortunate experience of listening to a replay of a conversation between ESPN “commentator” Pam Ward and “commentator” Beth Mowins and the combination of the their two voices gave me an aneurism.

But that wouldn’t be true.

We all know that combination would make your head pop off your shoulders.

The fact is….

I wanted to make time stop…..
Just for a day….
In Honor of the Steel Magnolia

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Now you might not believe this….
But Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator Picked every game correct last week..
You don’t believe it?
Have no fear “those numbers” won’t be included in the overall tally…
But thus far we are 249 and 44 or a rather substandard 85% for the Season.

But have no fear College Football Fans….
In an effort to break this drought, I am bring in my “not-so” secret weapon

One of Opp Alabama’s Favorite Sons….
The Fishing Philosopher of Barker’s Pond…..
Mister Rufus Johnson…..

Or as he is fond of saying to me….
“Take a seat young blood….
I’m going to drop some knowledge on yo damn ass…”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Football is lot like life, it’s full of trick plays and sometimes you get burned on a long one you should have seen coming, but what you got to do is put that play behind you; because you ain’t getting it back. Tighten that chin strap and show them what you are made of; now get yo damn ass back in the game and hit somebody.”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend…
Next week Rufus will discuss his fishing trip with God….
No, I’m serious; he said he really went fishing with the Boss and I’m not talking about Bruce Springsteen

THE PICKS

Thursday October 6th

Nebraska at Kansas State
I have seen all the movies…..
I know what the Children of the Corn are capable of in Farm country…
It’s Frightening…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 33-17

Delta State at Arkansas Monticello
This titanic Battle between the Fighting Okra and the Bo Weevils…..
Well it may not be a “titanic” battle….
But the mascots are awesome and that’s good enough for me…
FRIED OKRA (My personal favorite) 24-17

Friday October 7th

Connecticut at Rutgers
I got this pick from my “adopted” family in Atlantic City…
Now I know what you are thinking…
But just because they are Italian-Americans
Does not mean they are involved in any way with organized crime…
And as a side note….
They asked for the addresses of my “negative” emails….
They said they wanted to “talk” to them…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 31-27

Oklahoma State at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is in for a rough ride in Stillwater…..
And by that I mean they are going to get an Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions
COWBOY UP 38-10

Saturday October 8th

Indiana at Ohio State
The Hoosiers get Hammered in the Horseshoe
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: I’m not sure….
But I think if I could have managed three other words beginning with “H” in that sentence I would have set some kind of personal record.

Central Michigan at Virginia Tech
This game features Native Americans and Turkeys….
I wasn’t aware we were that close to Thanksgiving?
HOKEY POKEY 33-28

Boston College at North Carolina State
I don’t know if you heard that sound?
It’s me jumping on the Pack of Wolves Bandwagon….
WOLFPACK 28-17

Syracuse at South Florida
Otto the Orange should feel right at home in Florida….
That is until the Bulls squeeze the pulp out of him
NO BULL 34-14

Illinois at Penn State
The Fighting Pumpkins get smashed in Happy Valley…
Film at Eleven
JO PA’S LIONS 28-17

Minnesota at Wisconsin
This rivalry in the Big Twelve, or Eleven…I Mean Ten
Is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan’s Axe and a Slab of Bacon”
Little known fact….
They added the “bacon” element to the trophy a few years ago to ward off Islamic terrorist; the tactic appears to be successful.
BADGERS 38-21

Baylor at Texas Tech
The folks from Waco have one of the finest medical schools in the country.
Yeah that’s about all I have to say about the Baylor Bears…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 33-21

Juniata at Muhlenberg
This Trailer Park Tussle features…
Juanita, or “J-Lo” as she prefers to be called…
Against….
The Mule Faced German girl….
That German girl has a face only a bulldog could love..
And she looks like she could bench press a Buick….
That’s good enough for me.
MULE GIRL 28-17

Tennessee at Georgia
I have a philosophical question before I make this pick between the hedges…
If the Coaches and Players at the University of Tennessee can’t count to “11”
Then how hard is it to get a math degree from there?
I’m just asking…
SIC EM DAWGS 28-24

Memphis at Louisville
I will make this one simple….
Charlie’s Cardinals are Stronger than the Velvet Elvis’s…
STRONGER CARDINALS 34-14

Chattanooga at Citadel
If you are in Chuck-Town this weekend, don’t miss this game
It’s going to be a shoot out
Believe it
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Bowling Green at Ohio
This Battle of the Buckeye State is played for the “Dirty Sock Monkey Trophy”
Why I have no idea…
BOWLING FOR FALCONS 33-31

Colorado State at Air Force
This Rocky Mountain Rivalry is played for the Ram Falcon Trophy
And it is my understanding that it will stay in Colorado Springs
Until Colorado becomes Ocean front property
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-14

Elon at Appalachian State
That poor little Cuban boy…..
This game could easily constitute child abuse…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17

Idaho State at Montana
the Grizzlies are for real and Idaho is famous for their potatoes…
There’s your difference
GRIZZZZZZ 34-10

Wyoming at Texas Christian
This game is going to be uglier than…..
“Take Your Pig to the Prom” night in Baneberry Tennessee
HORNED FROGS 44-10

Pittsburgh at Notre Dame
This ancient college football rivalry is played for the coveted “Shillelagh of Shame”
This sounds like something you really “don’t” want to win
If you know what I mean…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Akron at Kent State
Since 1946 this game between the “Zippers” and the “Golden Flashes”…
Is played for the coveted “Wagon Wheel” Trophy….
Golden Flashes and Zippers?
That sounds like something nasty is going on at the nursing home
ZIPPERS 24-17

Virginia at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck is going to be on the Cavaliers faster than Bill Clinton on an Intern.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10

UNLV at West Virginia
Vegas comes to Morgantown West “By God” Virginia
Talk about your culture shock…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-10

Arkansas at Texas A&M
This game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl
Because we have no idea which team is going to show up…
HAWGS 31-24

North Alabama at North Georgia
There are far too many references to “North” for me in this game…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-24

Army at Tulane
The Black Knights of the Hudson better calm the Green Wave….
Or there will be a “Change of Command”….
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-17

Michigan State at Michigan
As you all know this game is played for the “Paul Bunyan Ax”
Which most Wolverine Alumni would like to plant in Coach Rod’s head.
WOLVERINES 33-31

Clemson at North Carolina
Both teams are struggling to hang on to the football….
Don’t be surprised if this isn’t a “Fumble Fest”
DABO’S TIGERS 28-24

Oregon at Washington State
The Bulldogs of Sweeny Texas could beat Washington State….
And that’s a fact…
QUACKERS 142-0

WofFord at Georgia Southern
Chewbacca gets the Statesboro Blues….
I love that Album…
EAGLES 33-17

San Diego State at Brigham Young
Just so you all know….
When I use the term “Ancient” as in Ancient Aztecs…
I am not in any way referring to Bobby Bowden…
COUGARS 44-10

Wingate at Carson Newman
Wingate? That sounds like the name of some smart ass rich kid….
I hope he gets his ass whipped…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-21

Navy at Wake Forest
It is my understanding that Jimmy Swaggart will act as the Demon Deacon mascot for this game
I wonder if you could go on a crying jag while he makes balloon animals.
I think the kids would love it
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Utah at Iowa State
Two Utes in a Cyclone?
Wasn’t that a Disney movie?
TWO UTES 38-17

Miami (OH) at Cincinnati
This instate war on I-75 will go to the Boys from Chili Town
BEARKATS 33-17

Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt
A Commodore out ranks anyone with an Eagle…
Those are the rules…
DORES 28-14

Colorado at Missouri
MO knows how to tame a Buffalo….
And just for the record…
Curly is my favorite of the Three Stooges
MO’S TIGERS 33-17

James Madison at Towson
The Number Three Dukes take on the Towson Cookie factory…
They better watch out, I hear those elves are tricky
DUKES 38-17

Occidental at La Verne
I wonder if La Verne is Occidental prone?
Sometimes I wonder too much…
OXY MORON 21-17

East Carolina at Southern Miss
I wish I was in Hattiesburg right now….
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-28

Purdue at Northwestern
I wish I cared, but I don’t
WILDCATS 28-14

Auburn at Kentucky
The Wildcats will keep this really close until right after the Fly Over…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Southern California at Stanford
Unfortunately this game comes on at the same time…
as the Amish Butter Churning Championships or I would watch it….
I think Ishmael could win it all this year
CARDINAL 34-24

Tulsa at Southern Methodist
Two Words for you….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Toledo at Boise State
Another “tough” out of conference opponent for the Smurf Turf Bunch…
And in case you were wondering…
The Broncos scheduled Toledo
Because the Breaux Bridge Hair and Nail Salon Academy is busy preparing for Notre Dame next week
BRONCOS 167-3

Florida State at Miami
This instate battle in the Sunshine State won’t seem the same without Coach Bobby wandering helplessly on the sidelines with his Vietcong hat and his pants with the forty inch zipper.
Ah Good Times…
NOLES 33-28

Mississippi State at Houston
This Pick is for my beloved Bulldog faithful…
Miss Melanie, Larry and their beautiful girls and of course Bulldog Jim
BULLY DOGS 38-21

New Mexico at New Mexico State
This instate battle is known as the Rio Grande Rivalry
And it is played for “The Maloof Trophy”
Which closely resembles a bucket of sand with a cactus stuck in it…
Which is nice
PISTOL PETE 28-24

Rice at UTEP
My Favorite Pudding takes a pounding at the Hands of the Miners
MINERS 34-17

Hawaii at Fresno State
This game is played for the “Golden Screwdriver”
Yes, I’m serious….
Which reminds me….
That Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E network on Wednesday Nights
Check your local listings for times in your area.
BULLDOGS 28-24

San Jose State at Nevada
I would watch this game…..
But the History of Jell-o is going to be on the Food Channel…
Sorry
WOLF PACK 56-0

UCLA at California
I am trying to remember why I am supposed to care about this game?
BRUINS 6-3

Alabama at South Carolina
This will be a fight from opening bell to the final whistle…
Believe it..
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Arizona State at Washington
There are a lot of questions surrounding this game…
For instance…
Why should we care?
Is there anything on the Food Channel?
What’s that on the carpet?
You get the picture..
HUSKIES 31-27

Oregon State at Arizona
Keep the faith Beaver Jim….
This is going to happen
BEAVERS 24-21

LSU at Florida
The Mighty Gators bounce back and Les Miles gets a Mickey Mouse Watch
I call this a “Win-Win”
MIGHTY GATORS 28-21

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

In Alabama you have to make a choice…..
It’s one or the other…
We aren’t much for fence riders or folks on middle ground…..
And don’t give us that crap “how you like both teams”
You can’t, it’s impossible…
Saying that just makes you a wussy, or worse….
A damn yankee…

It’s the Alabama Crimson Tide and The Auburn Tigers

This weekend marriages will end….
Businesses will dissolve….
And the bonds of friendship forever broken…
All over this one game….

For those of you outside the state of Alabama….
or persons that may have been living under a rock for their entire adult life….
I will let you in on a “not so” little secret.

We don’t like each other very much

We tolerate each other most of the time throughout the year….

Our children will play together….

We attend Church and PTA meetings together…

On occasions we will attend weddings, funerals and even BBQ together..

But this week everything is different…

On the Sunday before the Iron Bowl…
I have seen parishioners move from their usual seats to the other side of the aisle….
until one side of the church is Tigers and the other Tide.

I have seen and heard a young preacher, who clearly wasn’t from Alabama…..
make mention that “people down here take their football too seriously…”

He and his family weren’t there the following Sunday……
presumably to preach at a place where they didn’t take their football “too seriously….”

I have taken my seat on one side of a school bus with a little crimson elephant pined to my shirt by a wonderful first grade teacher, while the Auburn kids took their place on the other side of the bus with a blue and orange “War Eagle” pined to their respective shirts and dresses.

We never miss an opportunity to make fun of each other either..

This game has had Bo and Joe and a Bear of a Man…..

It has had “One for the Thumb”

And Eleven in a row…….

It’s War Damn Eagle!
And…
Roll Tide Roll!

It has made simple terms meaningful like…

Punt Bama Punt!

And “The Kick”

It’s about Pat Sullivan to Terry Beasley

Freddie Kitchens to Dennis Riddle

Wrong way Bo….

And Coach breaking the record…

The Legends of this game live forever in the hearts of the respective fans

The wins are glorious and the losses are bitter as hell

Many people have asked me if I had a “Favorite” picture from my deployment last year

The answer is “Yes”, I do……

It’s about pride and bragging rights….

It’s about “us” against “them”

But it’s even deeper than that……

It’s so deep you can’t define it….
It’s just there right above the surface of your emotions lurking….
Reminding you even on Easter Sunday…
Beat Them….

Friday afternoon is not life or death…

This game is far more important than that

And for those people that may be reading this thinking we in Alabama….
Take our “football too seriously”…..
You might want to take your cue from that young preacher in my story above
and get out of town…This game isn’t for the weak of heart…
It is The Iron Bowl

Your Thanksgiving Picks will be out in the morning….

Click here to view the embedded video.

ROLL TIDE ROLL

MEB

I interrupt the “Iron Bowl” edition for important late breaking college football news

Please accept this news release for widest dissemination:

Great News for Irish Fans
Released by University of Notre Dame Athletics

Rise up Irish fans!
A new day is dawning.
Recently Northeastern University announced it was going to drop its storied football program.
This would create a void and imbalance in the powerful Colonial Athletic Association standings.
What better way to restore the “program” to those glory days of yesterday…….
Than moving up to Division I-AA’s Colonial Athletic Association!!
We’ve seen turmoil, angst, and much gnashing of teeth lately, and frankly, it needs to stop.
With many options on the table and after careful consideration……
Notre Dame Athletics has decided to accept the invitation of CAA to join its illustrious ranks!!
With such bellwethers as Hofstra, Rhode Island, & James Madison the competition will be stiff.
But, before long, with Charlie Weiss leading his innovative offense…….
We could very well capture the CAA crown and make a run for an FCS championship!!!
Who wants to play in an antiquated and, frankly, quite biased BCS system………
When we can be involved in an actual PLAYOFF for a NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!
People all over have clamored for years for a playoff.
Well, YOU’RE WISH HAS COME TRUE…..TODAY!!!
And before the naysayers jump & scream, remember this……..
Appalachian State has beaten Michigan about as many times as we have lately.

Released by permission of Notre Dame Athletics

Mark May Recovering from Near Death Experience

ESPN studio analyst Mark May is apparently recovering from an alleged attack….
from former Notre Dame Coach and fellow analyst Lou Holtz
It was reported that after the final gun sounded for the Notre Dame / Connecticut matchup on Saturday that Holtz apparently went into sputum & phlegm laced spastic convulsive fit which, unfortunately, nearly drowned May in a green gooey slime-like substance.
May, visibly shaken, and clearly unconscious was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was given antibiotics and an alcohol bath and placed in intensive care.
He was removed from the ICU on Monday morning and talked to his lawyer.
Counsel has stated that May will pursue a civil suit against Holtz for reckless endangerment. “You know, it’s flu season,” stated May’s lawyer. “You’ve got regular flu, swine flu, hell, there’s no telling what could have been in that snot rocket that Holtz launched. Maybe even the kangaroo flu and who knows what was in that gunk.”
Analysts keeping an eye on the situation state that May has a good case and that he had warned ESPN for years of the possibility of just this type of episode.

Jimmy Clausen Cold Cocked at Club

Notre Dame Quarterback Jimmy “Glass Jaw” Clausen was decked while at a South Bend eatery last night.
The perpetrator allegedly took offense to the Irish being beaten once too many times this season.
Although investigators have yet to pinpoint the violent criminal who decked Jimmy, Oregon’s famed Running Back LeGarrette “Big Blow” Blount has not been ruled out as a suspect.
Witnesses say the suspected jabber was quite large, wearing a Notre Dame jersey, and had eye black under his eyes with “UCONN? and R U KIDDING?” printed upon it. Rumors are running rampant around the Notre Dame campus that it was one of the 33 seniors that embattled head coach Charlie Weiss referred to in a post game news conference.

However the “good” news is this isn’t as embarrassing…….
As Jimmy’s latest foray into the reality series market, please see the flyer below.

If the news from South Bend wasn’t bad enough, your favorite college football prognosticator has intercepted a transmission intended for the President of Notre Dame, the contents of which I share with you now…

Jackie Boy,
I usually don’t get involved with our Flagship University over in the states, but, now I must.
I mean; what the hey?
For the love of Mother Mary, what are you doing over there?
You must understand that you’re giving all of us here in the church a black eye.
I thought you knew what you were doing when you got this guy but all he’s doing is eating us out of house and home.
Holy Mother Teresa, you’ve got to do something.
We put up with the minority hire, Ty Willingham.
Now we’re putting up with this horizontally challenged hire, Charlie Weiss.
Whatever you do, just hire a normal coach. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
For the love of Peter, we got beat by a color!! Who’s afraid of a color?
I could see it if Stanford’s mascot was an actual cardinal, like a bird or one of my underlings running around here at the Vatican.
But, you got beat by a color!!! And the symbol is a tree!!! Whoever heard of a red tree?
Look, we’ll front the money for the buyout like the last couple of times, but, for the love of the almighty, get us a coach that might be able to actually coach. Saturday evenings are pretty sad.
We’re getting beaten by a bunch of protestants. Ooooooh, the inhumanity of it all.
Signed
John Paul II
Pope

Your regularly scheduled programming will resume tomorrow with the “Iron Bowl” edition
and following that the Week 13 College Football Picks.

RTR
MEB

Before we get into this weeks picks….
I want to thank Hootie Snitch for providing his “unique” perspective on last weeks games and answering your email questions.

But just for the record I am a lot closer to Two Buck Tim than I am Tim Buck Two…

Last week your favorite college football prognosticator was a “disappointing” 42 and 15 or 75%.
And for the season I stand at 453 and 121 or a rather lackluster 79%.

But I take solace in my prognostication powers
when I heard that ESPN college football “analyst” Todd McShay, according to the network…
was making his picks at a “furious” pace by selecting “16” games currently this season where he stands at 10 and 6.

I know what you are thinking……
“Amateur”

But before we roll into Week 11’s Picks I want to wish…….
A Happy Veterans Day to all Veterans, past, present and future.

And a Happy Marine Corps Birthday to my Marine brethren around the world
We’ve Been Keep’n it Real since 1775….

Enjoy your games!

COMMENTATORS QUOTE

Bret Musburger on Alabama Coach Nick Saban
During the game with LSU in 2007 which the Crimson Tide lost

“There is the highest paid coach in American folks;
it doesn’t look like the folks in Alabama are getting a lot for their money does it?”

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record dumbass….
I don’t think we pay Coach Nick enough, buy I think it has worked out o.k., don’t you?

Wednesday November 11th

Toledo at Central Michigan
The rockets will be reduced to a pack of firecrackers before halftime
Believe it
CHIPPEWAS 33-14

Thursday November 12th

Texas Southern at Grambling State
The Bayou Classic……
Beyond the football game, the battle of the bands is not to be missed.
I am still a Coach Rob man…
ROB’S TIGERS 31-17

Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
Another Classic Battle on I-75
The Falcons are favored, but I have a feeling….
REDSKINS 24-21

South Florida at Rutgers
I know, I know
This game is being played in “Jousey….”
But forget about it…..
NO BULL 33-28

Friday November 13th

West Virginia at Cincinnati
Save a Couch, Beat the Mountaineers
BEARKATS 31-28

Temple at Akron
The Owls are on their way to their first Bowl game since 1979…
Zippy gets Zipped…
HOOT OWLS 24-20

Saturday November 14th

Florida at South Carolina
Nobody needs to tell Coach Steve how bad a Gator bite can be….
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Furman at Georgia Southern
I can’t wait to hear Chewbacca sing the “Statesboro Blues”
I heard he does a great Greg Allman imitation
EAGLES 24-21

Texas at Baylor
The Waco Bears have really come on as of late…….
and I know I missed picking the Bears in “The Battle of the Brazos”
But the boys in burnt orange are the real McCoy
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-21

Pennsylvania at Harvard
I really don’t care and neither should you

Alabama at Mississippi State
The Bully Bulldogs are always tough…
But the Tide is coming in…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-13

Frostburg State at Salisbury
This game is a stark reminder that I wish I had a frosty beverage and a Salisbury steak.
But sometimes I wish for too much

Indiana at Penn State
I missed on Joe Pa’s Lions last week against the mighty Buckeyes….
But Joe has more than enough magnification left in his reading glasses to burn the Homers from Hoosierville
JOE’S LIONS 31-17

Columbia at Cornell
Nobody cares about this game either, and as a side note…
Both teams marching bands suck too.

Tennessee at Ole Miss
Remember my prognostication about the Volunteers not losing another game?
Yeah, I was serious…
VOWELS 34-17

Arizona at California
I would watch this game
but I heard there was fighting in Central America, and I have to watch the news, I have friends in Missouri.
I bet there fighting those damn people from Kansas.
GOLDEN BEARS 33-28

Miami (FL) at North Carolina
The Tar Heels….
Wait, what the hell is that anyway?
Is that somebody who walked across a freshly paved road bare footed?
Never mind….
ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now isn’t it?

Virginia Military Institute at Army
There are better games going on around the country when this game gets underway….
There are better teams playing this Saturday with more at stake in the college football world, while this game is being played
But you won’t find any better kids anywhere in the country than you will see right here
They are some of the very best we have in this country
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 24-14

Texas A&M at Oklahoma
If you wonder why I continue to pick the Sooners…
even with all the season ending injuries on the team, the answer to that question is easy.
It’s because they are the still the Mighty Sooners, that’s why.
BOOMER SOONERS 31-28

Virginia Tech at Maryland
Ed Wang of Virginia Tech, who also happens to be the biggest Wang in College Football, but I digress….
I wonder if Ed Wang has ever gone out and “Wang Chung Tonight”
Just curious…
HOKEY HOKEY HI! 34-17

Samford at Wofford
This pesky cough is going to kick Sam’s ass, count on it.
WOFFY 33-13

Stanford at Southern California
No Upset Special Here……
The Darlings of the Sports Media get their other eye blacked with a tree
CARDINAL 38-24

EDITORS NOTE: I know it doesn’t really fit here…..
But……
Coach Pete, you want a quacker?
That never gets old for me..

Iowa at Ohio State
The quarterback with the Black and Gold is out for at least two weeks
The Buckeyes are rolling and the game is in the Big Horseshoe
Enough said….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-17

Citadel at Chattanooga
The Bulldogs get shoed away from a win with a moccasin, believe it.
MOCCASINS 28-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma State
The Red Raiders get rode down by the Cowboys in Stillwater
You better believe it….
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Florida State at Wake Forest
A lot of people are down on Coach Bobby as of late…..
They want to say it’s because he is “too old” to be coaching
He went to high school with Noah, so yeah he is definitely “old”
But that’s not the real reason is it?
It’s because you Seminoles aren’t beating the hell out of everybody, right?
You complainers should all should be ashamed of yourselves…
SEMI-NOLES 24-21

Nebraska at Kansas
I can’t help but wonder….
Are there a lot of Huskers that shop in the “Husky” sections at department stores…..
Do any of them own Husky dogs?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
HUSKY CORNHUSKERS 23-17

Auburn at Georgia
This game is called “The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”, because it is just that.
Conventional wisdom calls for the Tigers to win this game, they are favored in the contest.
But as you all know by now….
I am neither conventional nor wise.
RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES! 34-31

Michigan at Wisconsin
Despite the fact the Wolverines are playing in Wisconsin,
There is no truth to the rumor that Coach Rod’s wife’s perfume smell’s like old cheese
That is hurtful and untrue
Her perfume smells more like the mixture of old peoples feet, wet corn flakes and a high school rest room urinal cake.
I hope that sets the record straight
BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE 31-21

Washington at Oregon State
For once I agree with Hootie Snitch…
I love me some Beavers…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-17

Troy at Arkansas
What in the Hell was Troy thinking scheduling this game?
He must be drinking again….
RAZORBACKS 43-10

Colorado at Iowa State
Thank you all for your enquiries….
But my sister-in-law will “Not” be leading the Colorado Team on the field
this Saturday as the “Guest Buffalo” for the game with the Cyclones.
She is currently filming new “Messing with Sasquatch” Beef Jerky commercials..
Before you ask, “No” she is not wearing any makeup…
And “Yes” they are using “movie magic” to cover up her antlers, sorry..
I mean “calcium deposits”
BUFFALOS 24-17

South Dakota State at Minnesota
Question for the Minnesota faithful…
Aren’t Gophers really just hamsters on steroids?
O’ So GOLDEN GOPHERS 38-23

Georgia Tech at Duke
The Devils will be Black and Blue before this one is over…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-14

Clemson at North Carolina State
This game is known as “The Textile Bowl”
The winner of the decorative towels and fuzzy bathroom mats is…
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
This classic matchup in the North is played for the highly coveted…
“Yeti in a Tube Top” trophy….
Not really I was just hoping someone would take my sister-in-law for Thanksgiving
FIGHTN’ IRISH 33-28

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get the Blues in Music City on Saturday Night
Believe it….
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 24-20

Boston College at Virginia
The Cavaliers lost to the Duke Blue Devils two weeks ago….
Enough said….
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 141-14

UCLA at Washington State
I understand Alvin and the Chipmunks will be singing the National Anthem at this game
Not the “real” Chipmunks, just some dudes or dudettes in foam rubber costumes
Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you all worked up over nothing
BRUINS 33-14

Northwestern at Illinois
Another Big Ten “rivalry” game and you know what that means..
That’s right, another game for a coveted trophy!
This annual game between these two schools is played for
“The Trombone of Cheese Whiz”
Don’t touch it, you don’t know were it’s been
FIGHTN’ PUMPKINS 28-17

Missouri at Kansas State
In any conflict between the states of Missouri and Kansas
I always side with Kansas, because I am a Jesse James man..
but any team that goes to the trouble of digging up their dead coach
and propping him up on the sidelines to inspire their team, well…
I have to respect that
WILDCATS 24-23

Arizona State at Oregon
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet is having a “Special” on Sea Monkey’s.
You know they are natures perfect creature right?
They swim in the ocean and can live in the jungle.
If you don’t believe me then why do you think they call them “Sea Monkeys”?
I think I made my point
QUACK ATTACK 33-28

Michigan State at Purdue
This Big Ten Rivalry is played each year for a magnificent trophy!
Aren’t they all?
This Big Ten game is played for the highly coveted “Bejeweled Staff of Doubt”
Frankly I doubt anybody really cares about this game..
BOILERMAKERS 31-24

Houston at Central Florida
The Golden Knights are in Orlando right?
Isn’t that were “O Town” was from?
That’s all I need to know…
COUGARS 33-21

Syracuse at Louisville
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question….
Will anyone attend a college football game between two crappy teams?
CARDINALS 17-10

Brigham Young at New Mexico
The Lobos get Low Blow’d in New Mexico…
I know that was catchy right?
Think of me as the college football version of Doctor Seuss
COUGARS 34-17

UAB at Memphis
I know what I am talking about here
I’ve been to Graceland…
Thank you, thank you very much
ELVIS’S TIGERS 24-17

Idaho at Boise State
This game is entitled….
“The Battle of Idaho” and it is played for the Governors Cup
At least this instate battle doesn’t have the word “Flower” in it
BRONCOS 34-21

Texas El Paso at Southern Methodist
The Miners of El Paso have surprised a few people this year, but they won’t surprise
THE MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Tulane at Rice
Not that this has anything to do with the game, but I have to ask
Why is Rice-a-Roni the San Francisco treat?
I always thought it was Liberace
Never mind…
HOO HOOT OWLS 21-17

Delaware at Navy
I have grown to love that Navy Goat mascot….
You have to respect a mascot that can eat a tin can, you know what I mean?
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Southern Miss at Marshall
I really like both of these teams, but they harder to predict than the weather
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-21

UNLV at Air Force
The Falcons are soaring and the Rebels are grounded….
This one is easy
FALCONS 34-10

Utah at Texas Christian
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
Two Ute’s take down the horned amphibians in Cow Town
So says my Cousin Vinny
TWO UTES 28-24

Louisiana Tech at LSU
The Bulldogs are in trouble in this instate Battle on the Bayou
Mike the Tiger is angry and hungry….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

New Mexico State at Hawaii
This game is just another reminder I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Life is so unfair sometimes
WARRIORS jumping rope over RAINBOWS 31-28

Sunday November 15th

East Carolina at Tulsa
I wonder if a “Golden Hurricane” is a drink you don’t have buy yourself
on Bourbon Street?
Makes you wonder doesn’t it?
CAROLINA PIRATES 23-21

Enjoy your weekend and your games

Stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Unlike the MSN Fox Sports Southern California Trojan loving “writer” Lisa Horne
This article and subsequent College Football Picks will be in English, not Ebonics, Pig Latin
or any other damn guttural slang.

Her latest article was entitled….
“Who’s Gett’n Diss’d by the Polls”
I am assuming this means…
“Which college football teams are not getting any respect from the pollsters?”

Simply put…
If you look up “Dumbass” in Webster’s Dictionary
It says…
“See Lisa Horne”

EDITORS NOTE: Lisa Horne makes Hootie Snitch look like Bill Shakespeare.

Now on to this weeks Picks…

This weekend we have Homecoming at the Capstone..
The Red River Shoot Out…
And the Battle for the Jeweled Shillelagh..
Which I am assuming is better than the battle for the infected shillelagh.
That’s just a guess.

Last week we got back on track at 49 and 10 or a vastly improved 83%
Overall we moved up at 289 and 75 or a slight improvement to 79%.

We have a lot of games to cover this week, so let’s get to it.
But as a side note…
I sure wish I was in Big D at the Texas State Fair this Weekend…
It’s going to be something to see

Enjoy your games!

Wednesday October 14th

Boise State at Tulsa
Not that I have an “inside track” on this game..
I just feel real comfortable with this pick..
Trust me…
BRONCOS 28-21

Thursday October 15th

Cincinnati at South Florida
This game is going to be a dog fight from start to finish
But the Boys from Chili Town are too tough for the Bulls
BEARKATS 34-21

Delta State at North Alabama
Nobody doubts my love of Okra, fighting or fried.
But the Mighty Lions of Alabama are just that…
LIONS ROAR 33-14

Saturday October17th

Arkansas at Florida
I won’t doubt the power of the Gators or the courage of Superman again
MIGHTY GATORS 28-14

Valdosta State at Harding
What was Harding thinking scheduling this game?
Harding better stay out that cider, I believe it’s turned hard.
BLAZERS 38-10

South Carolina at Alabama
Homecoming at the Capstone
What I wouldn’t give to be in T-Town on Saturday…
I can almost smell that Dream Land BBQ from here…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

California at UCLA
Let’s face it…
I have been lousy as hell picking PAC 10 games lately.
So I was forced to do something drastic to change my luck
I listened to an entire Boy George CD….backwards.
GOLDEN BEARS 24-20

EDITORS NOTE: The pain I go through to satisfy some fans…

Ohio State at Purdue
The Boilermakers have the same chance of winning this game..
as Rosie O’Donnell does of being in Playboy magazine. Bovine Monthly maybe…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-13

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck will soon learn the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about.
FIGHTN’ TURKEYS 24-20

Arkansas – Monticello at West Alabama
I finally figured out why the Boll Weevil mascot looks so familiar…
My sister-in-law “having a bad hair day…”
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

Missouri at Oklahoma State
I have a question for the folks in Stillwater…
Where has the “Prairie Wind” touched you?
I’m just wondering..
COWBOY UP! 31-21

Texas Tech at Nebraska
Last year the Huskers “almost” won the game against the Red Raiders
There won’t be an “almost” this Saturday…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17

Kansas at Colorado
Please stop asking….
For the last time my sister-in-law is not be the “stunt” buffalo for Colorado.
She is busy filming the latest “Messing with Sasquatch” commercials.
Before you ask..
Yes, she got the “lead” part…
JAY of the HAWK 31-14

Georgia at Vanderbilt
The Big Dawgs break the chain this weekend…
Believe it
BAD DAWGS 33-13

Carson Newman at Lenoir Rhyne
I wonder if Lenoir is related to Leann Rhynes?
That gal is a home wrecker…
Not that it matters much here
SPARKS EAGLES 38-20

Delaware State at Michigan
There is no truth to the rumor..
that Coach Rod’s comment concerning the “ugly” game with Iowa
was a reference to having to set next to his wife on the plane trip back to Ann Arbor.
Glad I could clear that up…
WOLVERINES 54-0

Kentucky at Auburn
The Cats have one of the toughest schedules in the nation
It doesn’t get any better this weekend with the starting Cat quarterback out
Believe it
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-14

Ouachita Baptist at Southern Arkansas
I am still not really sure what an Ouachita Baptist is…
But I do know these fundamental truths about religion..
Jewish people don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah
Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as a deity
And we Baptists don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or at the Liquor store.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-17

Baylor at Iowa State
The cyclones can’t generate enough wind to make a decent popcorn fart.
BEARS 31-21

North Carolina State at Boston College
The Wolfpack lost to Duke last Saturday…
That’s the equivalent of a grown man being beaten up by a four year old
Enough said….
CHESTNUTT HILL EAGLES 28-14

MIT at West New England
I had no idea MIT had a football team…
I know when my wife’s cousin-in-law attended the Mississippi Institute of Technology
They had a tire treading competition and a dairy judging team.
Who knew they had a football team?
MISS TECH 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
When you read “Cousin-in-law”, you thought, “Next on Springer”

Virginia at Maryland
I don’t know what they have been feeding the ninja turtles lately
But they need to keep doing it…
NINJA TURTLES 24-14

Colgate at Georgetown
Honestly..
This game was just a placeholder to remind me I need to pick some toothpaste

Wake Forest at Clemson
I don’t know why….
But every time I hear “Demon Deacons”
I think of Jimmy Swaggart all liquored up jumping up and down on a motel room bed
Sorry for the visual..
DABO’S TIGERS 31-17

Texas A&M at Kansas State
I hope PETA doesn’t hear about this game…
Because the wildcats are going to get gigged this Saturday
GIG EM AGGIES 23-14

Sam Houston State at Southeastern Louisiana
Sam Houston is a Hero of the Texas Revolution…
That’s good enough for me…
SAM’S CLUB 43-10

Central Michigan at Western Michigan
I don’t know about you but until recently
I thought “Chippewa’s” referred to a fancy name for chipped beef on toast
CHIPPEWA’S 33-17

Oklahoma at Texas
Dallas Texas….
The Texas State Fair…
Big Tex…
The Midway….
The Cotton Bowl..
This is a grudge match of biblical proportions
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 31-27

Louisville at Connecticut
Cardinal fans, did I mention Tommy Tuberville would like to coach again?
You know he’s available right?
Now would be a good time to call him..
HUSKIES 28-17

Northwestern at Michigan State
Sparky has got more spark than a dyslexic electrician
Not really sure what that means, but it sounded good the first time I said it.
SPARTANS 33-27

Iowa at Wisconsin
This Big Ten matchup is played for another coveted trophy..
Aren’t they all?
“The Heartland Trophy”
This trophy kind of looks like a foot with four toes; which is weird.
HAWKEYES 24-14

UAB at Ole Miss
There is good news here for the Blazers..
They don’t have to drive very far to get their ass kicked
NUTTY REBELS 44-10

Miami (OH) at Ohio
This Battle in the Buckeye State is played for the highly coveted..
“Monkey Clump Trophy”
I think it’s sponsored by Purina
BOBCATS 24-21

Wyoming at Air Force
Last week I predicted the Cowboy upset…
This week they will just be upset….
FALCONS 33-14

Southern California at Notre Dame
This game is played each year for the Jeweled Shillelagh
But for me this game…
Is like trying to decide who to pull for in a war between Iran and Syria.
FIGHTING IRISH 33-28

Minnesota at Penn State
It’s like Joe Pa always says…
“O’ So Golden Gophers….The other white meat”
JOE’S LIONS 28-17

Houston at Tulane
The Green Wave haven’t seen a storm like this since Katrina
COUGARS 44-14

Rice at East Carolina
Rice has one of the finest aeronautical engineering programs in the country
Yeah, that won’t help them much this weekend
PIRATES 31-17

Chattanooga at Georgia Southern
The Eagles are beat up and the boys from Moccasin Bend are for real
This one may be over before it starts…
MOCCASINS 28-24

Marshall at West Virginia
Nothing is bigger this weekend in West “By God” Virginia
The Friends of Coal Bowl for the Governor’s Cup
This is serious business
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Colorado State at Texas Christian
I know the question that is on your minds…
Can the Rams beat the horned amphibians this weekend?
Does the Pope poop in the woods?
HORNED FROGS 27-14

Mississippi State at MTSU
The Smurf Raiders of Murfreesboro will be left Blue when this one is over.
BULLY DOGS 31-17

Hawaii at Idaho
I wish “Dog the Bounty Hunter” had his own cable channel
But sometimes I just wish for too much…
VANDALS 28-14

Brigham Young at San Diego State
This game will be close until the opening kickoff….
I’m serious it really will be…
COUGARS 38-14

Stanford at Arizona
The Cardinal is for real, but their mascot “tree” is dumb as hell.
What do you expect from California; go figure
CARDINAL 24-10

New Mexico State at Louisiana Tech
The Dogs have been screwing up my average each week like it’s their job
They better Bark up this weekend..
I mean it..
BULLDOGS 24-20

Illinois at Indiana
Another Big Ten game, another game for a “coveted” rivalry trophy
This game is played each year for the “Velvet Scooter”
I think it was originally donated by the Liberace Foundation
ILLI-NOISE 24-21

Memphis at Southern Miss
The Boys from Hattiesburg rebound this weekend against Elvis’s Tigers.
Thank you, thank you very much.
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

Citadel at Western Carolina
I don’t know what a Catamount is, but it sounds nasty.
BULLDOGS 28-24

Miami (FL) at Central Florida
Another Battle in the Land of Disney for supremacy of the Sunshine State
Well, more like whose Second Best actually…
HURRICANES 38-10

Navy at Southern Methodist
I wish this were an “upset special”
But it isn’t…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-24

Washington at Arizona State
The Devils from the Sun play more like the residents of Sun City
HUSKIES 24-14

Utah at UNLV
So these two Ute’s were in Vegas to see David Copperfield…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one…
UTES 38-10

Enjoy your games and have a great weekend…

More College Football news to follow…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Much like the Oklahoma, Houston and Seminole fans last weekend…
Your favorite college football prognosticator will hence forth refer to last weekends games as..
The “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”.

I am sure the above fans will gladly agree with me on that point, but before I unveil my embarrassing statistics from the “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”, I want to offer my three favorite excuses for my lackluster performance.
1. The Sun was in my eyes while I was making the picks…
2. There is no doubt I had a rock in my shoe when I was making the picks last week..
3. Frankly, I don’t make very good decisions while I am on artificial turf….

And as a side note….
It doesn’t help that I am making the picks while wearing a leaf bag around my waist
Don’t ask…
You really don’t want to know…
Damn Kangaroo Flu…

Last week: 36 and 19 (Ouch!!!!!!) at 65%

Overall: 240 and 65 at 79% ( No comment….)

Enjoy the Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 8th

Nebraska at Missouri
MO knows offense, but the Huskers have the Black Shirts
This will be a good one to watch from start to finish
And the Victory Bell goes too…..
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Colgate at Princeton
I don’t care and neither should you
But it is nice to know they named a college after my favorite toothpaste

Arkansas Monticello at West Georgia
This is clearly my “Game of the Night”
The Wolves of West Georgia and the Mighty Boll Weevils of Arkansas
That’s right I said “Boll Weevils”…
Tell me this mascot doesn’t scare you…

Enough said….
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Also…
The Arkansas Boll Weevil mascot is called “Weezie”
Which is no relation to a character on the once popular television series “The Jefferson’s”
Just thought you should know…

North Greenville at North Alabama
The Mighty Lions of Florence Roar once again…
LIONS 34-17

Friday October 9th

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
I have counted the Bulldogs out of too many games this year and gotten bit every time.
Not this week…
BULLDOGS 31-17

Saturday October 10th

Colorado at Texas
Someone actually wrote me about this game last year and asked me…
“How were they supposed to distinguish..
between the respective schools mascots of a Buffalo and a Longhorn..
which one was actually my sister-in-law?”
That is so ridiculous, I can’t even believe it!
She was the one wearing flip-flops.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-14

Alabama at Ole Miss
This is going to be a tussle in the Grove from start to finish…
Believe it…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-23

Eastern Illinois at Penn State
There is only room for one Big Cat in this game..
And it ain’t the Panthers…
JOE PA’s LIONS 38-10

Wisconsin at Ohio State
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Delta State at West Alabama
The Tigers of West Alabama can’t handle the Fighting Okra….
Why you may ask?
Because they are “Fighting Okra”, that’s why….
FIGHTING OKRA 31-20

Baylor at Oklahoma
I wouldn’t take the Bears for granted in this game…
Or it will be Sooner, Later…
BOOMER SOONERS 24-17

The Citadel at Elon
I wish I had better news for the Bulldogs of the Military College of South Carolina
But I don’t…
THE CUBAN KID 31-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
Why someone thought it was a “good idea”…
to name their college after a bunion is beyond me, what’s next “Hemorrhoid Tech”?
Never mind, I believe that’s in California
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
I got some bad news for the fan’s from Chesnutt Hill..
The Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about…
HOKIES 33-17

Georgia Tech at Florida State
I never thought I would see the day that Coach Bobby would be on the hot seat…
But after this week, he will have both cheeks firmly planted on it.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Florida A&M at Miami
Leroy Vann is faster than the Rattler’s namesake….
But that won’t save him from the eye of the Hurricane
HURRICANES 34-10

Houston at Mississippi State
Bulldog Jim, I wish I had better news my friend….
I am afraid the Cats have a mean on…
COUGARS 31-23

Chattanooga at Samford
I used to know a Sam Ford once…
He was a horse’s ass….
MIGHTY MOCCASINS 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas
Both of these teams are heading in the same direction…
No where…
HAWKS of JAY 23-17

Susquehanna at Rochester
Susie and Rocky?
Sounds like the basis for Rocky VIX
Never mind….
SUSIE 21-17

Georgia at Tennessee
Both teams are beaten up and badly in need of a win…
This is going to be one heck of a game….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 28-23

EDITORS NOTE: I know it pains me to say this…
But it’s getting more difficult each week to criticize Coach Lane Kiffin
When Coach Phil was at Beacon Hill..
“Discipline” and the football team went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.
Coach Lane won’t tolerate any foolishness from the players..
and will dismiss them from the team in a New York minute.
Believe that?
Under Coach Phil’s watch Tennessee players used to stroll to games like they bought their clothes from “Thugs or Us”, once a volunteer player even wore a loin cloth to the game, true story.
And now the players have to wear coats and ties to games and leave their Mr. T starter kits at home.
I have even noticed a change in some Volunteer fans…
What is going on?
Doesn’t Coach Lane realize this hurts my column?

Georgia Southern at North Carolina
The Eagle has been grounded…..
HEELS of TAR 38-10

Auburn at Arkansas
This game has all the potential to be a Barn Burner..
No Pun intended..
RAZORBACKS 33-24

Harding at Ouachita Baptist
I am not sure what an “Ouachita” Baptist does…
Unless they are the folks that handle rattlesnakes during a service
Harding better watch himself, those things will bite you…
SNAKE HANDLING BAPTIST 38-10

Oregon at UCLA
I would rather play nude twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game…
QUACKS 6-5

EDITORS NOTE: Like I wasn’t sick enough with the Kangaroo Flu….
I had to make myself throw up over that comment…

Southern Miss at Louisville
Coach K and the Cardinals are down and they ain’t getting up…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Cardinal Fans take note….
Coach Tommy Tuberville is lounging in Alabama right now looking for a job..
I know he has the personality of a Jackass eating briars….
But the boy can spell “Defense”….
Just a thought…

Duke at North Carolina State
The winner of this semi-bitter instate rivalry receives coupons to Burger King.
I am not sure if that includes a complimentary decorative paper crown
More on this story as it develops.
WOLFPACK 31-28

Maryland at Wake Forest
This game features amphibians and televangelists…
I honestly have no idea which team is going to show up for this one..
The truth is…
They don’t either…
NINJA TURTLES 23-17

West Virginia at Syracuse
I was asked to say something “positive” and “uplifting” about the Orange this week.
O.K., here goes…
You all don’t suck as bad as you did last year..
How’s that?
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Stanford at Oregon State
I would rather watch my wife’s uncle Todd’s colonoscopy video (again..)
In it’s entirety…
Than watch another PAC 10 game…
CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering…
The video is kind of like the 1950’s version of “Journey to the Center of the Earth”

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
Interesting fact….
When Coach Lou Holtz has said the above schools names in quick succession…
He has actually blinded Mark May in spit…
PANTHERS 28-24

Southern Nazarene at Southwest Baptist
In case you were wondering there will be a Baptism
Following today’s game…
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 23-17

Muhlenberg at Juniata
If I was the M’ Guy here, I would watch myself…
I hear Juanita’s septic tank backed up last week and she is madder than hell
JUANITA 31-14

Indiana at Virginia
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question..
“Would they still have a college football game if no spectators came?”
CAVALIERS 17-13

Arizona at Washington
The “W” on the Huskies helmets better stand for “Win” this weekend..
or I am off the dog’s bandwagon. Yes, I mean it this time.
HUSKIES 24-10

Arizona State at Washington State
These two teams together couldn’t beat a hot dog….
DEVILS of the SUN 17-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
The Wildcats are tough….
But Coach Steve has their number…
Always has…
GAMECOCKS 31-17

Kansas State at Texas Tech
Maybe Coach Snyder could get the Wildcats motivated..
If he wore a cape and a mask on the sidelines.
I don’t know if it would help, but it sure would be funny, wouldn’t it?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-17

Miami (OH) at Northwestern
This game will be a lot closer than you might think…
That is until the National anthem is over…
WILDCATS 33-10

Purdue at Minnesota
This ancient Big Ten rivalry is played for something I can’t quite pronounce..
But it looks like a giant Tootsie Roll..
Or it could be a Donkey Turd…
I’m not really sure…
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Heidelberg at Ohio Northern
I bet Ole Heidelberg wears lederhosen and a funny hat when nobody’s looking
Enough said…
POLAR BEARS 21-7

Vanderbilt at Army
Some people in the SEC are quick to dismiss the Commodores..
But if they were in the PAC 10 they would be the second best team in the conference
No worse than third anyway…
Believe it…
‘DORES 28-14

Michigan State at Illinois
This Big Ten rivalry is played each year…
for the coveted “Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”, because frankly, nobody cares.
SPARTANS 27-24

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
The good news is…
Because this game is in Michigan, the Eagles don’t have far to go to get their ass kicked.
CHIPPEWA’S 28-23

New Mexico at Wyoming
I don’t know if I would go as far as calling this an “upset special”..
But the Cowboy’s are due….
COWBOY UP! 20-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
I have some “Good News” and some “Not so good news” here..
The “Good” news is the Aggie Corps of Cadet Marching Band…
Is one of the finest college marching bands in the country.
The Aggie War Hymn will give your goose bumps, goose bumps.
The “Not so” good news is the Cowboys are riding into town…
THE COWBOYS 38-17

Texas Southern at Rutgers
The TSU “Motion of the Ocean” – “Ocean of Soul” Marching Band
Is really something to see, unfortunately their football team isn’t.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 44-10

Navy at Rice
The Midshipmen are tough, fast and well coached.
The Owls have one of the best baseball teams in the country.
Yeah, that won’t help them much here..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Henderson State at Valdosta State
The folks from Henderson are known as the “Reddies”
Which I find to be discriminatory against blondes and brunettes
Damn racists…
BLAZERS 33-10

Marshall at Tulane
I still believe in the Thundering Herd…
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-17

Utah at Colorado State
Did you know that if you spell “Rams” backward you get “Smar”…
Not that it’s all that important here…
TWO UTES 33-24

Peru College at Lincoln (MO)
Although I have never been a fan of Lincoln, I think it is inherently wrong that a university from another country is playing college football against a team from the Heartland of America.
MO knows FOOTBALL 24-20

Ohio at Akron
Seriously, what is a “Zip” and why is their mascot a damn kangaroo?
I’ll never understand Yankees..
BOBCATS 24-23

Texas Christian at Air Force
The horned amphibians are lucky as well as good….
That’s a bad combination..
HORNED FROGS 31-17

Florida at LSU
Saturday Night in Death Valley….
For an opposing team there is nothing like it….
It’s what the Christians in the roman coliseum must have felt like before they released the..
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 23-21

UTEP at Memphis
Before last weekend I would have said U-Who?
But after outlasting the Houston Cougars last Saturday night
MIGHTY MINERS 34-23

Eastern Carolina at Southern Methodist
Despite my disappointment last week with the Ponies…
Much like Steve McQueen…
I still believe in the power of the Mighty Mustangs….
MUSTANGS 28-24

Michigan at Iowa
This classic Big Ten matchup is played for “The Old Lobster Bib”
Not really, I just made that up, but you have to admit…
It’s a better idea than the “Skank Witch Trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 28-23

Brigham Young at UNLV
The Rebels have a good chance of winning this game…
If Brigham Young misses their flight to Vegas…
COUGARS 38-10

Sunday October 11th

Fresno State at Hawaii
Have I mentioned lately that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is on A&E on Wednesday nights?
I love those guys…
BULLDOGS 33-24

Tomorrow I will have something for the disgruntled Georgia Fan…
I wonder, could it be the names and addresses of the referees from last weeks Georgia – LSU game?

Next week Hootie Snitch will discuss his request for a stimulus package to open his “new” restaurant.

Stay tuned

Enjoy your games this weekend…

RTR
MEB

For the long time devoted readers of this column as well as for those of you that surf through or take a glance at the picks once a week, I want to thank you for your passion and devotion to college football and your respective teams.

I encourage debate, disagreement and on an occasion open hostility.
I enjoy the fire, fury and passion and all the pageantry that surrounds college football.

This column began once upon a time as a single page of “Picks” of college football games on a Microsoft word document with my “commentary” associated with each game forwarded around an office on an Air Force base in “Baja” Alabama.

I hope some of you will remember those days and smile.
I really appreciate all those guys and gals that encouraged me and kept this going.

This little college football column has survived moves, terrorism and war zones.

It has since grown to a website that is read by more than a few people from coast to coast and follows our military boys and girls and contractors wherever they may roam.

I get a great deal of satisfaction and joy knowing that so many people enjoy the College Football Wizard and my irreverent humor. And I hope on the rarest of occasions, you learn something that perhaps you didn’t know about the sport we love so much.

Many of you have been kind enough to convey those very thoughts and I greatly appreciate it, more than you might know.
But, this isn’t about fishing for compliments.

I am not nor have I ever been a journalist major in school.
I was never that intelligent as my articles clearly demonstrate.
I recognize I often write as though English were my “second” language behind my Southern euphemisms.
I won’t apologize for that.

So in my haste to get an article on the wire, there will be the occasional misspelled word or unstructured sentence.
I am sorry if that upsets anyone’s sensibilities.

In case you are just joining us…

I detest the Politically Correct crowd and the Nazis at the NCAA and all their bullying ways. I believe those that preach tolerance are traditionally the most intolerant people on the planet. I will not miss an opportunity to poke them in the eyes over their absurd actions and discrimination towards my beloved South.
I won’t apologize for that either.

I will continue to point out the bias of the NCAA and the National Sports media when it comes to the reporting and prosecution of such schools as the University of Southern California.
If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I know the Southeastern Conference and the Big 12 and to a lesser degree the Big Ten rule the College Football landscape, no matter what the television talking heads would have you believe.
It’s how it is….

I like tradition, not change for the sake of change or because somebody claims to have their feelings hurt.
If you live long enough, you are going to have your feelings stomped on like a winepress time and time again. It’s just the way it is….

I say all of that to simply say this…
If you are member of the “We know how to fix you poor dumb Southerners” crowd, don’t bother reading my articles or sending me emails or suggestions.
Because despite the fact I am a proud Southerner, I am neither poor nor dumb.
We may speak slowly, but we don’t think slowly.
Nor when the mood strikes us do we move slowly.

If it makes you feel superior to point out my inconsistencies in grammar, well good for you.
At least I still write better than Hootie Snitch.

If you want to call me a racist or a bigot, well that’s fine too.
We Southerners have endured far worse.

I write this column because it’s a labor of love for me.
I don’t do this for fame or money..
Although I am up for the prestigious Collard Greens Award again this year.
I write this for you…
Because you derive joy from it or something close to it and get the occasional laugh.

I will continue to be the College Football Wizard for as long as I am able and you all still enjoy it.

Not sure why I decided to share this with you all.
Maybe it’s because I am particularly stung by the personal attacks I received this past week.
Maybe it’s this kangaroo flu I am fighting.
I know it’s the kangaroo flu and not the bird or swine version..
because I have to hop to the bathroom to keep from pooping in my fur.

And lastly, I appreciate your encouragement, comments and rants. Keep them coming.

Your Picks will be out tomorrow.

RTR
MEB

This week we have Battles over Wagon Wheels, Iron Skillets and Slabs of Bacon..

EDITORS NOTE: Not all together…..
Although they make a nice combo if you were out on the range

We have Lions, Tigers, and Bears and Fighting Okra…
Tussling over a variety of Paul Bunyan memorabilia, Mittens and a Victory Bell..
While others duke it out on Tobacco Road for bragging rights.

It’s that time of the year…..
Rivalries are in Season…

If you are keeping count and I know you are…..
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 44 and 12 or 79%
That leaves us at 204 and 46 of 82% thus far in the season…

Enjoy!

THE GAMES

Wednesday September 30th

Hawaii at Louisiana Tech
I feel really confident about this pick…
Call it “Prognosticators Intuition”….
BULLDOGS 27-6

Thursday October 1st

Colorado at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb in a few years.
Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-20

Valdosta State at Delta State
Who doesn’t love a Fighting Okra?
My point exactly…
FIGHTN’ OKRA 27-23

Friday October 2nd

Pittsburgh at Louisville
Papa John Stadium is a mighty tough place to play in when the sun goes down
Johnny, this one is for you…
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
CARDINALS 24-21

Utah State at Brigham Young
This particular game is played for the “Old Wagon Wheel”
But is only part of the bigger prize known as the Battle for the Beehive Boot
But I have question..
Wouldn’t that hurt if you put your foot in a boot full of bees?
Just wondering…
COUGARS 38-17

Saturday October 3rd

Alabama at Kentucky
In the immortal words of Steely Dan in Deacon Blues…
“They have a name for the winners in the world…
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide”
CRIMSON TIDE 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure they were referring to football in this particular song…
Because if it was basketball, then they would have mentioned Kentucky

Arkansas Tech at North Alabama
I can hear the Lion’s Roaring from here…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
Sometimes I feel like a Nutt….
And this would be one of those times…
REBELS 24-21

Georgia Southern at Wofford
It doesn’t matter who Coach’s there…
The boys from Statesboro will always be….
ERK’S EAGLES 31-14

Penn State at Illinois
I made a key error in my Picks last week…
Last week I stated:
“I have on good authority that Joe Pa intends to harness the power of the sun
through his reading glasses and roast the Hawkeyes”
Little did I know…
The game was at night and Joe Pa did not have the Solar Panel 2500 mounted to his reading glasses.
That was my mistake….
There will be no such oversight this week…
Roast the Fighting Pumpkins Joe Pa!
JOE PA’S LIONS

LSU at Georgia
This game will be a shoot out from start to finish…
Hold on to your seats boys and girls
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-28

Oklahoma at Miami
Since Utah is off this weekend..
I am under artistic obligation to state the following concerning this particular game…
I hope the two Ute’s that drive the Boomer Sooner wagon are careful this Saturday
Because they will be driving it around the stadium all afternoon
BOOMER SOONER 38-14

Austin Peay at Tennessee Tech
I don’t care that Austin peed all by himself!
Why name a college after something like that?
What’s next, Urinal Cake State?
This is disgusting
PEABODY 28-10

Virginia Tech at Duke
This game will be like pistol whipping a blind kid…
HOKIES 43-3

Georgia Tech at Mississippi State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
More Cow Bell!!!!!
Believe it Bully!
BULLDOGS 24-20

Virginia at North Carolina
This game is known as the “South’s Oldest Rivalry”
The contest between the two schools dates back to 1892
Who doesn’t love a grudge that has festered for over a hundred years?
TAR HEELS 23-17

Michigan at Michigan State
This semi-bitter instate rivalry is entitled…
“The Battle for the Mitten”

EDITORS NOTE: No, I didn’t make that up

With the “Winner” walking away with the “Paul Bunyan Trophy”
Not sure if the trophy includes Paul’s big blue ox “Babe”
I will continue to monitor the situation as it develops
WOLVERINES 33-24

EDITORS NOTE: There is no truth to the rumor…
This trophy was being replaced by a clay replica of Coach Rod’s Wife.
It is my understanding that the proposed “Skank Witch” Trophy
was deemed “inappropriate” by the Big Ten.
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding

Texas A&M at Arkansas
This rivalry that began in 1903 was once known as the “Southwest Classic”
Now it has been reduced to an “out of conference game” for both teams
That makes me sad…
RAZORBACKS 24-21

Oregon State at Arizona State
This game is between the Sun Devils and the Beavers in the Valley of the Sun
This reminds me of a joke….
So stop me if you’ve heard this one…
These two Ute’s walk into a bar and setting there is the Devil and a Beaver…
And the One Ute says, “Hey, now that’s a nice Beaver…”
Never mind this going to get ugly…
SUN DEVILS 24-20

UCLA at Stanford
I would rather…..
Listen to Leonard Nimoy sing Led Zeppelin’s Greatest Hits than watch this game.
BRUINS 28-24

EDITORS NOTES: Just thinking about that made my ears bleed

Juniata at McDaniel College
Ole Danny Mac better have his head on a swivel..
I hear Juanita is in a foul mood…
JUANITA 33-17

Florida State at Boston College
I have no idea which one of these teams is going to show up
My Guess?
SEMI-NOLES 24-17

Clemson at Maryland
The rules here are simple….
A Tiger can beat a turtle…
I have seen enough of the Animal Planet to know that much…
DABO’S TIGERS 23-14

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This game is played annually for the coveted..
“Paul Bunyan’s Ax” and “a Slab of Bacon”….
I don’t know what the deal is this week about all the Paul Bunyan references
Unless it’s his birthday?
Not really sure how the tasty pork product fits into this equation…
Never mind….
O’ SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-21

Susquehanna at Merchant Marine Academy
It doesn’t surprise me that Susie decided to play the Merchant Marines
She always did love a man in uniform….
MARINERS 34-28

North Carolina State at Wake Forest
This War on Tobacco Road has been going on forever…
I bet the argument started over liquor…
Don’t they all?
WOLFPACK 23-17

Arkansas State at Iowa
I don’t know if you’ve seen the Iowa mascot…
“Herky the Hawkeye”?
That things head is almost as big as Wynonna Judd’s
Notice I said “almost”
HAWKEYES 38-10

Washington State at Oregon
This game is played for a trophy that looks eerily similar to Oprah Winfrey’s ass.
Not really I just made that up…
But that would be funny as hell wouldn’t it?
QUACKERS 33-10

South Carolina State at South Carolina
This game is going to get crazy ugly….
GAMECOCKS 53-10

Auburn at Tennessee
This story has very little to do with the game….
But it is simply too good not too share…
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice…
So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said…
“You graduated from the University of Tennessee right?
I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000 dollars minus 11%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment…
Then replied, “Everything but my earrings..”
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-17

South Florida at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him Saturday…
Believe it…
NO BULL 38-7

Carson Newman at Mars Hill
Thank goodness Coach Spark’s boys are playing Mars Hill this weekend…
If they were playing Uranus Tech…
I could take up the entire column with off color jokes and inappropriate antidotes.
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-21

East Carolina at Marshall
This game has a lot of meaning for many of us….…
The Pirates were the last team the Thundering Herd played on 14 November 1970
Before the plane crash claimed the lives of the son’s of Marshall University.
I won’t forget it, and neither should you.
Whatever game you watch this weekend…
When you see the score ticker run across the bottom of your television screen..
Pull for those current son’s of Marshall….
You will feel better for it, I promise
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24

Tulane at Army
Every time I hear “Green Wave” I think about a leaky septic tank…
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-21

Hope at Trine
This first thing I thought was….
“I Hope I have Trine to make it to Homecoming this year…”
HOPE 24-10

Northwestern at Purdue
Frankly I am surprised…
We have another Big Ten game without any mention of Paul Bunyan
BOILERMAKERS 31-28

Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
The “Victory Bell” is at stake in this contest….
As opposed to the “Horribly Embarrassing Defeat Bell”
Nobody really wants that one…
BEARKATS 34-17

Ohio Northern at Muskingum
I cannot believe they named a college after a gum disease
I guess it’s still better than Halitosis Tech
Never mind…
POLAR BEARS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note….
If you think I have been wrong all these years about Yankees…
Living ten miles from the Arctic Circle, then why would they name their team the “Polar Bears”?
Coincidence? I think not…

Kansas State at Iowa State
I have a safety tip for you…
If you hear David Hasselhoff scream “Awesome!”
Three times in a row in quick succession your head will explode.
CYCLONES 17-10

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t ask me how I know about the above claim
Just take my word for it…
But I will tell you the test involved a hamster.

Washington at Notre Dame
I don’t have any idea which Dog’s are going to show up
Will it be the Mighty Washington Huskies or the Hollywood Chihuahua’s?
I am guessing this one will be close….
Real close…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Central Michigan at Buffalo
Two things I learned from watching movies about the American West…
One: Many Native Americans used buffalo as a major food source in the Western frontier
Two: John Wayne was a bad ass
I think Number One applies here..
CHIPPEWA’S 38-10

Wisconsin Oshkosh at Wisconsin Lacrosse
One thing I know for certain about this game…
There will be a lot people there that talk funny..
OSHKOSH BY GOSH 24-20

Memphis at Central Florida
This Conference USA battle is taken very seriously…
The Boy’s from Orlando have vowed this week…
To give Memphis the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney if they lose to the Tigers…
Well, look at the bright side…
It’s not like they are gambling with the Magic Castle
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-21

Air Force at Navy
This game will be a brawl for the Commander in Chief’s Trophy.
These boys will all play until the final whistle blows…
Believe that…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-31

Ohio at Bowling Green
In this Buckeye State Battle I will go with Coach Frank’s Cats
BOBCATS 28-17

Colorado State at Idaho
As I chronicled earlier in the week…
Mr. Potato Head only “has eyes” for that trashy Zelda Zucchini
Thought that up myself…
VANDALS 28-24

Ohio State at Indiana
I don’t know if the Hoosiers would have been better off..
If they would have taken my advice on accepting the sponsorship of a “major” chicken wing franchise
but I do know their cheerleaders would have gotten a lot better looking.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-17

Kent State at Baylor
This is for the folks from “Protest U” that may be traveling to the game in Texas
Don’t get Wacko in Waco or you will wind up in Jail ’O
BEARS 43-10

New Mexico at Texas Tech
It’s time for Tech’s Saddle Tramps and High Riders
To get back on that horse and….
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-23

Tulsa at Rice
The Tulsa mascot looks like the Elephant man stuck his head in a Hornets nest…
What does that have to do with a Hurricane that is Golden?
I have no idea..
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-24

Southern California at California
I have a question for those folks from California “The Home of Diversity”
If someone from Ghana married a person from Korea…
Would their children be Gonorrhean’s?
Just wondering…
GOLDEN BEARS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Coach Pete….
How’s that Dog Bite?

California Davis at Boise State
Cal Davis are known as the “Aggies”
But I like to think of them as another victim of the “Blue Monster”
BRONCO’S 44-10

Southern Methodist at Texas Christian
This is the “Battle for the Metroplex”
The game has been played every year since 1925 for the “Iron Skillet”
In the Dallas – Fort Worth area it doesn’t get any bigger than this on Saturday
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Southern Miss at UAB
I don’t know why the Boy’s from Birmingham have a Dragon as a mascot…..
There aren’t any “dragons” in Birmingham and certainly not in Alabama
But I did have this blind date once in Trussville…
Forget I mentioned it
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-14

New Mexico State at San Diego State
This promises to be the best game on ESPN U at 0200 EST…
Believe it!
AGGIES 20-17

Houston at UTEP
The Big Cats from Cow Town are for Real…
You don’t think so?
They have more conference wins in Conference USA and the Big 12 than any other team
COUGARS 38-17

More next week….
So stay tuned

Enjoy your games ….

RTR
MEB

Well little did I know…
Cause I didn’t read the mail they sent me concerning the name of my restaurant.
It might have said something about “infringement” but that word sounded made up to me.

Anyways, where do you think the other Hooters is headquartered?
Go ahead and guess?
In Damn Florida!
So here I was in the midst of celebrating during the big game..
1st quarter I believe it was..
I mean we got Volunteer fans from all over Baneberry in the trailer..
Watching the game and hooting it up, if you know what I mean!

Then all of a sudden I hear this Beeping sound….
You know like a big ole truck makes when it’s backing up.
I figured since we put signs up on the truck route about the “Volunteer Victory Party” at HOOT-R’s
that we had some truckers pull in here for a cold one to watch the game.

Then every thing started happening slow motion like…
Everybody felt a bump in the trailer, you know like somebody done backed into it…
But what was really happening is them damn Gator Loving people from the other Hooter’s
Done hooked a eighteen wheel tractor to my damn restaurant and started to drive off with it!
I ain’t kidding neither, they done it!

Well as soon as that Truck pulled off the lot with my damn restaurant
Everybody went flying ass over tea kettle towards the back of the damn trailer!
Muskrat nuggets and Possum wings, beer you name it…
Was all flying around in there like something out of one of them Henry Potter Movies!

So while we was moving down the road…
And all us layed up in the back of the trailer in a big ole pile trying to untangle ourselves…
We heard this creaking noise, you know like right before something is a’gonna break.
Well right about then…
The ass end fell out of that trailer….
and we went scattering down the road in a heap of Muskrat BBQ sauce, Beer and God knows what else.
I tell you it was a hell of a damn mess!
Glad that ole boy wasn’t up to speed yet and we was all drunk as a bunch of skunks
or somebody could have gotten seriously hurt.

So there we was….
In a nasty ass mess, skint’ from head to toe and spread down the road..
Smelling like ass and wet cornflakes with me watching my restaurant drive off in the distance.
It wasn’t till we all got out of the emergency room that I heard the Volunteers lost the damn game.
Which makes me think this is one of them conspiracies.
So I am madder than a woodpecker at steel post convention…
The Volunteers done lost the game to them Gators…
My restaurant, or what’s left of it is probably passing through Macon Georgia about now.
Here’s a phone picture of my damn restaurant somebody sent me at the Flying J Truck Stop outside of Chattanooga.
Breaks my heart to see it…

And now I got a bunch of drunks wanting to sue me for “negligence” or something like that.

It sucks to be me about now, just wanted yawl to know.

GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

It’s finally here……
The start of the 2009 College Football Season….

This season we will see….
A Bedlam game and Back Yard Brawls….
Civil Wars and tussles over an old Brass Spittoon, an Oaken Bucket, a Wagon Wheel and a Victory Bell.
And yes….
There will be Holy Wars and fights over the Golden Boot and numerous battles for Bones, Buckles and other assorted hardware.

So put your tray table in its upright position….
And tighten those safety belts….
This season is going to be a bumpy ride….

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 3rd

South Carolina at North Carolina State
This is the way to start the season…..
Two evenly matched teams with bad blood between them…
The Wolfpack will be tough…..
But I rarely go against Coach Steve….
GAMECOCKS 24-21

Eastern Kentucky at Indiana
Hoosier Colonel?
HOOSIERS 27-17

Utah State at Utah
This is the Battle of the Brothers….
The first game in the fight for the Beehive Boot…
After last January I am a believer…
TWO UTES 34-31

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
I continually amaze you with the depth of my college football knowledge

Oregon at Boise State
In the last 60 games in beautiful Boise Idaho the Bronco’s won 58 of them….
That’s good enough for me….
Down go the Ducks…..
Remember you read it here first…
BRONCOS 33-28

WARNING: Viewing this game with the Oregon Duck “dancing highlighter” uniforms on the blue football field of Boise State can cause dots to appear before your eyes lasting for several hours.
If this condition persists, please see a physician.

Glenville at Chattanooga
Little known fact….
The Native American Word originally used for Chattanooga is….
“Chu na see Ka-ema Wa-sue Na maa”
Which means….
“White man make racist shoe school…..”
Coincidence? I think not..
RACIST SHOE U 21-10

Quincy at Southeast Missouri State
They named a school after that medical examiner on television?
That’s just crazy…
REDHAWKS 24-10

Friday September 4th

Tulsa at Tulane
In this game we have “Green Waves” and “Golden Hurricanes”
It sounds like a bunch of Port-O’-Johns got turned over…
Sorry for the visual….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

West Chester at Delaware
Just because Chester was on “Gunsmoke”…
Doesn’t mean he has to throw the “West” in his name…
We know “Gunsmoke” took place in the old west…
This is just insulting…
BLUE HENS 34-10

Assumption at Worchester State
I think we can “Assume” from this game…
That Worchester Sauce is a wonderful compliment to almost any tailgating experience.
LANCERS 20-10

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering….
Yes, there are times that I actually amaze myself…

Saturday September 5th

Portland State at Oregon State
In a choice between Vikings and Beavers…
I will take Beavers each and every time…
BEAVERS 44-10

Central Arkansas at Hawaii
I have four words for you concerning this game…
“Dog the Bounty Hunter”
WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 53-0

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
Dog the Bounty Hunter doesn’t have anything to do with this game..
I am just glad he is back on the air…
In case you were wondering…
That would be on A&E on Wednesday Nights..

Towson at Northwestern
I wonder…..
Does “Tow Son” have anything to do with my favorite Tow Truck museum?

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Just wondering…
WILDCATS 38-7

Dixie State at Southern Utah
Honestly, you had me at “Dixie”…
THUNDERBIRDS 24-10

Montana State at Michigan State
The Bobcats will be turned into house cats before the third quarter…
Believe it…
SPARTANS 38-21

Appalachian State at East Carolina
This game will be a closer than you might think….
PIRATES 31-29

Minnesota at Syracuse
Fighting Gophers and Otto the Orange…..
Sounds like a nightmare from Alice and Wonderland….
O So GOLDEN GOPHERS 23-17

Kentucky at Miami (OH)
After an exhaustive Google search I can assure you there isn’t a single palm tree anywhere in “Miami, Ohio”
With that in mind I cannot in good conscience pull for a team who’s entire history is based on a lie.
WILDCATS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t want any hate mail from the folks in “Miami” Ohio…
I feel the same way about the folks from Rhode Island….

Wartburg at St Norbert
I have a lot of questions about this game….
Why is Norbert a saint and why do they have a college for people with warts?
GREEN KNIGHTS 23-17

Navy at Ohio State
I have some advice for Navy in this game…
Immediately after the midshipmen hear “and the rockets red glare…”
Somebody yell “Abandon ship!”
BUCKEYES 38-10

Akron at Penn State
Here is how it works…..
A “Zip”….not that I am completely sure what that is…
Cannot beat a Lion, Nittany or not….
JOE PA’s LIONS 34-9

Liberty at West Virginia
The Statue of Liberty carries a lighted torch…
In Morgantown they light couches after a win….
Not really sure about the correlation here..
Just thought I would mention it…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-6

Toledo at Purdue
I will tell you what came to mind when I realized this game would be about “Rockets and Boilermakers”…
I would need a Boilermaker if I was going to ride a Rocket….
Hence, why I never made it as an Astronaut
BOILERMAKERS 33-24

Northern Iowa at Iowa
A Panther can’t beat a Hawkeye….
I saw it on the Animal Planet, so it must be true
HAWKEYES 38-10

Western Kentucky at Tennessee
This game will be uglier than Prom Night at the Blind School…
And that’s just the fans….
VOWELS 56-0

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
The roosters will be fried chickens before the second quarter expires…
YELLOW JACKETS 44-10

Youngstown State at Pittsburgh
If you don’t want to see the hell beat out of a bunch of penguins…
Then don’t watch this one…
PANTHERS 34-14

Northeastern at Boston College
These colleges with more than one direction in their name make me believe that Rand McNally really does have his own university.
EAGLES 34-6

Nicholls State at Air Force
The Colonels will be reduced to Privates First Classes before halftime…
FALCONS 43-10

Weber State at Wyoming
Not that it’s all that important here…
But the folks at Weber make a wonderful grill perfect for tailgating..
COWBOY 28-10

San Jose State at Southern California
Yippee!
Another “Big” In state rivalry game for U$C….
TROJANS 114-3

Nevada at Notre Dame
The first home game of the season in South Bend…
And you know what that means…
They let that Leprechaun run around the stadium naked…..
Which is just icky….
FIGHTING IRISH 33-21

Western Michigan at Michigan
There is no truth to the rumor….
That Coach Rod’s wife had her breast job done by a veterinary school in West Virginia.
This is incorrect and hurtful.
Her procedure took place at Auburn University Veterinary School
I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding
WOLVERINES 28-24

Baylor at Wake Forest
UPSET SPECIAL….
Believe it…BEARS 24-21

Georgia at Oklahoma State
I have some bad news for my Bulldog faithful….
COWBOY UP 28-17

Carson Newman at North Alabama
A clash of Titans in Florence Alabama……
Each is a traditional powerhouse in their own right…
What a way to start the season…..
Wish I was there eating some of that wonderful Coleman’s BBQ….
SPARKS EAGLES 28-24

Jackson State at Mississippi State
The folks from Starkville and I agree….
You can never have enough cowbell….
BULLDOGS 24-10

Missouri at Illinois
This border clash is known as “The Arch Rivalry Game”
The past few years it’s been all MO’s Tigers…
This year…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 24-17

Southern Illinois at Marshall
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 28-17

Northwestern State at Houston
That darn Rand McNally has more colleges than Wal-Mart has superstores…
COUGARS 41-10

Citadel at North Carolina
The Heels lay it to the Dogs…
Film at Eleven….
TAR HEELS 31-10

Ouachita Baptist at Texas College
I have heard of Southern Baptist….
But I haven’t a clue to what an Ouachita Baptist is….
But I am willing to bet they won’t recognize each other in Hooter’s either
TIGERS 17-14

Middle Tennessee State at Clemson
If I have to go another year without tailgating with my adopted Clemson Family…
I am going on strike…
DABO TIGERS 34-17

Louisiana Tech at Auburn
The Bulldogs will keep it close until the opening kickoff….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Missouri State at Arkansas
I am not quite sure what “Woo Pig Suey” means when the Arkansas faithful yell this at Razorback games….
I think in Latin it means “Bears get their Butts Beat”
HAWGS 43-3

Charleston Southern at Florida
If this game was a boxing match they would stop it in the first quarter…
MIGHTY GATORS 54-0

Wofford at South Florida
I think it’s wonderful that Chewbacca has his own college….
Not that it matters here…
BAD BULLS 34-10

Florida Atlantic at Nebraska
Welcome to Lincoln!
And enjoy your Husker ass whipping….
BO’s CORNHUSKERS 38-10

Brigham Young at Oklahoma
This game will played in beautiful Arlington Texas…
Don’t count the cougars out of this one….
SOONERS 38-34

New Mexico at Texas A&M
I hate to go against the Lobos…
But the Aggies are my favorite Agro-Americans….
GIG EM AGGIES 31-24

Louisiana Monroe at Texas
What in the Hell was Monroe thinking?
Those Longhorns are going to kill him!
HOOK EM HORNS 43-10

Northern Illinois at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz…..
BADGERS 38-14

Army at Eastern Michigan
West Point plays football like old people drive…
Slow and sloppy…
EAGLES 31-10

Northern Colorado at Kansas
I would watch this game…
But the History of Macaroni and Cheese is playing on the Food Channel
JAYS HAWKS 34-6

Alcorn State at Southern Miss
Nothing like a football Saturday in Hattiesburg …
I can almost smell that BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 41-10

North Dakota at Texas Tech
I feel bad for the folks from North Dakota…
They only have two seasons up there…
Winter and Fourth of July…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 43-10

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…
I hope while the Folks from North Dakota are in Lubbock they take in the Buddy Holly Museum.
It’s a must see…

San Diego State at UCLA
I would watch this game…
But this is the time I scheduled to rearrange my sock drawer.
Sorry…
BRUINS 33-17

Indiana State at Louisville
What is supposed to be so scary about a “Sycamore” Tree?
Everybody RUN! The Sycamores are coming!
That’s just stupid…
CARDINALS 41-0

Western Carolina at Vanderbilt
I can’t help but ask….
Catamount what?
I don’t get it…
COMMODORES 28-10

Idaho at New Mexico State
Famous Potato University are known as the Vandals..
Now there is an interesting mascot…
What is the name of their fight song?
“Pillage and Burn”?
AGGIES 24-17

Alabama at Virginia Tech
Prime Time In the Atlanta Georgia Dome…
No Hokey….
No Pokey…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

Stanford at Washington State
I would watch this game….
But the Regional Pineapple Skinning Championships are on ESPN U at the same time….
Sorry about that…
CARDINAL 6-3

Stephen F. Austin at Southern Methodist
I cannot in good conscience make any jokes about Stephen F. Austin…
It’s against my religion…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-28

Central Michigan at Arizona
For just a second I almost cared about this game…
Then I realized it was just gas…
WILDCATS 7-3

Idaho State at Arizona State
Bengals and Sun Devils….
Reminds me of a nightmare I had after a night of ill prepared Mexican Food…
I believe there was an iguana in there too…
Never mind..
DEVILS in the SUN 44-10

Maryland at California
The Ninja Turtles are outmatched in this one….
But the good news is…
Coach Fridge has successfully beaten anorexia…
Which is nice…
GOLDEN BEARS 33-17

LSU at Washington
Twenty five years ago this would have been a heck of a game…
It’s not, so it won’t be..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-10

Sunday September 6th

Ole Miss at Memphis
I think this rivalry is played for the Velvet Elvis…
Thank you, thank you very much…
REBELS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: Not that it’s all that important here..
But I do a phenomenal Elvis impersonation…

Colorado State at Colorado
The Rocky Mountain Showdown
For the coveted Centennial Cup….
This game always comes down to the last minute…
Hold on to your seats….
BUFFALOS 33-31

Monday September 7th

Cincinnati at Rutgers
All the experts are picking the Scarlett Knights…
That’s why I am going with the Boys from Chili Town…
BEARKATS 21-17

Miami at Florida State
This is a classic Instate rivalry……
It has produced some of the greatest games in college football history…
In fact….
Coach Bobby remembers….
Setting in the stands with his father watching one of the first games in this rivalry…
I believe it was in 1909…..
SEMINOLES 24-17

Your Week 2 College Football Picks and Prognostications will be out next week…
So stay tuned….

And enjoy your games…

RTR
MEB

Due to reasons beyond my control your Weekly College Football Picks will be in two installments this week.

No need to worry by friends….
The remainder of your picks will be out later…

Plus, it just adds to the overall excitement of the weekend, don’t you think?

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the weekend at 52 and 5, which isn’t to bad considering I started 0 and 2.

For anyone just joining us: 52 and 5 is an eye opening 91% and for the two weeks of the College Football Season we are 105 and 16 or a “Not too Bad” 87%.

I could talk about “Me” and last Week’s 91% all day long…
But we have a few games to talk about today…

Enjoy your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 11th

North Carolina at Rutgers
The Only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if the Soprano’s are involved in the Pre-Game warmups…
Forget About it…
TAR HEELS 23-17

Friday September 12th

Carson Newman at Bentley
Do those people in Massachusetts really think they are better than us because they named their college after an over-priced car?
Well, they aren’t.
And just for the record…
THEY Better not EVER play the Chevy Vega College in Georgia…
They will most certainly get their smart ass kicked…
Sorry…I digress
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Kansas at South Florida
This game is a tough one….
On one hand I believe South Florida is going to sneak by the Hawks of Jay by say…24-22.
But Coach Mark Mangino IS the third largest Mammal I have ever seen walking upright…
Behind Wynonna Judd and Phat Phil Fulmer…
HAWKS that JAY 31-24

More later…Stay Tuned.

RTR
MEB