I apologize for the lengthy delay in getting back with you all…..my beloved fans.

But as you may already know….

Due to my rather phenomenal year of College Football Prognostication in 2009,
I embarked on the “CFB Wizard World Tour”, which I am in the process of wrapping up.
But before I describe my eventful night in Beijing after winning the coveted “Laughing Monkey Award”,
I want to clear up a few rumors that have been circulating the World Wide Web as well as answer some of your well thought out and long awaited questions.

Enjoy…..

Rumors and Questions……

Yes, I am taller and younger than Sammy Hagar but Sammy does have more hair than I do and is somewhat more popular outside college football circles than yours truly.
But we do have one thing in common: Neither of us like to drive 55.

No, I will not write anything about the “World Cup”, nor was I attending any of the World Cup events.
I would rather attend a “Guess that Cheese” contest in Goat Screw Gap Tennessee that have anything to do with soccer …..
And for what I hope is the last time let me make this perfectly clear…
Soccer isn’t a “real” sport, if it were a “real sport”…
Then explain why Frenchmen can play it? My point exactly…
Lastly, if my beloved university has a soccer team..
I am blissfully unaware so please don’t ask me anymore questions about it.

Yes, it’s true; I was recently featured on “Wheel of Fortune’s Celebrity Week”

And “Yes” I was kicked off the show for what the judges described as “shouting” an “inappropriate answer” to a puzzle, causing Vanna White to faint and hit her head on the lighted puzzle board as the studio audience rushed for the exits.

The Puzzle read…..

GO _ UCK YOURSELF _ _

I won’t repeat my answer here, after all this is a family column…
However I will tell you the “correct” answer was “Go Tuck Yourself In”.
But in all fairness I thought the last two blank spaces were exclamation points.
And before you ask “No”, I will not be invited back….

No I was not at Gary Coleman’s Funeral however I do own a Coleman cooler.

No I’m not homophobic; I just don’t like Kenny Chesney.

For those of you that don’t believe you can’t mix business with pleasure then explain to me the Putt-Putt Golf industry. I think I made my point…

I give less than a damn about LeBron James and the entire NBA

No, the television program “Biggest Loser Couples” isn’t about Fat Phil Fulmer and Charlie Weis.

On the topic of television programs you need to be aware the current series “Cheaters” is not a history of the University of Southern California Trojans football program, sorry.

Yes my long awaited book will be out before you know it….

No I am not interested in Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears but I do care deeply and passionately about our boys and girls fighting in Afghanistan and around the world and you all should too.

Although I have Globe Trotted, with all due respect to Meadowlark Lemon, that doesn’t make me a Globe Trotter. See the difference?
Plus I can’t seem to master the ole confetti in the water bucket trick.

Yes, I did meet the Dalai Lama on my World Tour and “No” he is not a Notre Dame fan.
However he does have breath that is similar to the rear end of a Yak.

No, I did not meet with the Pope during my current tour; because I felt with my elevated status as a College Football Prognosticator it wouldn’t help my publishing deal to be seen with an older white guy dressed like a Klan member.

However I have heard the Pope is a huge fan of Notre Dame, for reasons I still can’t quite understand.

I did not have a Liver transplant although I still have flashbacks of “coach” Mike Shula and it causes me to break out in hives and shake uncontrollably.

Yes, in addition to the coveted “Laughing Monkey Award”, your favorite College Football Prognosticator collected a number of other prestigious awards this year.
(Please don’t applaud, your adulation embarrasses me…)

As you may have read I am now a multiple winner of the coveted “Collard Greens Award for Excellence in Southern Sports Journalism” presented by the wonderful people at the Demopolis Alabama Agriculture Extension Service. I won this award despite the best efforts of Delbert “Pickles” Callahan who attempted to claim I picked the winner of the National Championship game as well as the other bowls through the use of an Ouija board and numerous calls to the Physic Hotline.

“Sour Pickles” Callahan is a sore loser….That’s right I said it.

Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out soon…..

And along with your Pre-Season Prognostications we will discuss such in-depth topics as…..

How will the Virginia Tech Hokies replace the loss of their Wangs this year?

EDITORS NOTE: Shame on you….
I was talking about Ed and his brother David Wang.

I will point out that the Florida State Seminoles will be taking the football field this year without a Bowden at the helm for the first time since the Spanish-American War.

We will talk about how the Big 12 isn’t….and how the Big Ten can’t add.

I will have a contest this year entitled “Who will say something stupid first:
Tommy Tuberville or Les Miles?”

EDITORS NOTE: I think it’s a tossup

There will be even more Mascot News…..

Along with the Oregon Ducks myriad of uniforms…
we will discuss their “new” Uber gay Mister Peanut – Duck hybrid mascot.
It’s a rainbow flag waving celebration.

We will expose the Maine Bear mascot as a very hairy female cheerleader in need of electrolysis.

And I will have the long awaited photographic evidence of the existence of the Presbyterian Blue Hose cheerleaders. Be warned, it will be shocking.

Speaking of Hose….

I will confirm that Michigan’s Coach Rod’s wife “Rita”…..
Was in fact the inspiration of the lesser known Dr. Seuss book; “Horton hires a Ho”

I will also break down the old adage of how “Two Ute’s at hand are better than hiding in the bushes”

EDITORS NOTE: Before you even ask…Yes, this is the Utah version of the story.

As you might expect we will have team news from around the country…..

Certainly we will take time to discuss the empty space located in the University of Southern California Trojans Trophy case, with the return of the Heisman Trophy, the National Championship Trophy, vacated wins and so on.

And for the record….

I am too good a person to gloat over the demise of the Southern California Trojans or say “I Told You So” to Fox Sports, ESPN, the Los Angeles Times, the Orange County Register, the NCAA, ABC Sports, Sports Illustrated, CBS Sports, NBC Sports, the PAC 10 Conference and College Football Illustrated.
Just because they ALL refused to mention the scandal of Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and in most if not all cases DISMISSED the story entirely is no reason for me to gloat or say “I Told You So”. Certainly as the lone voice in the wilderness on this issue for a number of years and enduring the slings and arrows of readers and commentators alike, it would be easy for me to say “I Told You So”.

I don’t have to say “I Told YOU So” because I derive my satisfaction from providing you readers the facts on this issue and allow you to make up your own minds concerning the offences committed by Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and the ensuing cover-up committed by Coach Pete Carroll, the University of Southern California, the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA.

So you can see, I don’t have to say “I TOLD YOU SO” to make my point.

I am bigger than that.

We will detail the pressures of Coaching College Football and the effect some dumbass donors have on its programs like Vanderbilt which ultimately caused the great Coach Johnson to depart for less stormy shores.

This Season marks an extraordinary accomplishment….
As we will take time out to celebrate Jo Pa’s 100th year in college football

EDITORS NOTE: I just hope nobody breaks a hip

We will discuss “what’s his name” the new starting Florida Gator’s Quarterback who doesn’t stand a snowballs chance in hell of filling Tim Tebow’s socks, much less his shoes.

EDITORS NOTE: That poor kid, I can almost hear the boo birds warming up

Later we will try and determine “what the Hell was Nebraska thinking” when they joined the Big Ten, Eleven, Twelve conference.

I will go into depth of how the Texas Longhorns are stronger than ever: It’s True

We will have even better news for the Mighty Buckeyes of Columbus.

I will provide you readers 3-D glasses as we look at the Boise State hideous blue field of death

I will tell you I miss my adopted Clemson Tiger Family

We will discuss the stupidity that is the Colorado Buffaloe…
When they joined the PAC “what the hell ever” Conference.

EDITORS NOTE: Are you dumbasses close to the Pacific Ocean or are you just praying for an earthquake?

There will be a new section this season entitled…
“The More the things Change the more they stay the Same”
Starring Tennessee Coach Droolly and the Tennessee Volunteers!
In the first installment we will examine definitions at the University of Tennessee, as an example how “indefinitely suspended” actually means “two weeks” and much, much more.

There will be an open discussion concerning Notre Dames infatuation with Golden Gnomes

There will be an interactive section this year called…
“Say something nonsensical with Les Miles”

This Season we will also go “Big Pimp’n” with the former University of Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans and discuss his crying jag with a Georgia Highway Patrolman, “How NOT to get out of a DUI”
and his penchant for women’s underwear and underage crack whores.

We will uncover how the NCAA “discovered” MapQuest and actually utilized it to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s House (Five years later….)

EDITORS NOTE: Isn’t technology fascinating?

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will review Coach Pete Carroll (Formally of the University of Southern California Trojans) newest book, “Cheating for Dummies”

Hootie Snitch “The Biggest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet” will return to commentate on the state of college football and his Volunteers after his whirlwind romance and subsequent marriage to Thelma Stroderback, an east Tennessee “hand model” for a Baneberry Tennessee tractor supply and fertilizer store.

And how could we go through the college football season without a reference or two to your favorite Hall of Fame and Museum and gift shop?
That’s right….
I mean the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum (And Gift Shop)
Don’t worry, you won’t be disappointed

Before I depart….
Congratulations to the Mighty South Carolina Gamecocks on winning the College World Series.
And Another Championship for the Southeastern Conference.

One last thing….

If you ever find yourself in Beijing…
Don’t ever ask your hosts “Are we going to Wang Chung tonight?”
It means something entirely different in China…
And “No” I don’t want to talk about it.

There is more on the way, so stay tuned.

RTR
The CFB Wizard

With little more than a week away from the opening kickoff of our 2008 College Football Season, it got me thinking about our passion for our teams, our colors, our players and our legends of the Fall.

The passion we share for this sport often transcends other thoughts and emotions.

The Love for our school and team runs deep and so does our hatred for our rivals.

I know graduates of the University of Montana that will not stop for gas (or anything else for that matter) in Bozeman because it is the home of the Montana State Bobcats. Which I was told sucks.

I have met Missouri Tiger Fans that will drive an extra 100 miles, just so they don’t have to go through Kansas on the way to Nebraska.

According to the Missouri Tiger Fan: “Kansas is known as the Sunflower State.
There are three kinds of Sun in Kansas. Sunflowers…Sunshine…and Sons of Bi#@&*!

Our passion begins at birth and does not end with death.

This past year Lady Bird Johnson passed away near Austin Texas.

Please notice the Priests giving the “sign” in the below video……..

WARNING: If you are a Texas A&M Aggie or an Oklahoma Sooner; please skip the video and continue reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

 That my friends….is Passion.

Enjoy Your Update!

TEAM NEWS

CINCINNATI: This past week BearKat quarterback Ben Mauk filed a lawsuit against the NCAA after the “organization” rejected the young mans final appeal for another year of eligibility.

The same day the lawsuit was filed, Hardin County Judge William Hart, in Mauk’s home area of Kenton, Ohio, granted a temporary restraining order that says the NCAA cannot prevent him from practicing with the BearKats.

The judge set an Aug. 22 hearing on Mauk’s request for a permanent injunction against the NCAA.

Mauk came back from career-threatening injuries to lead Cincinnati last year to a No. 17 ranking in the final poll. He passed for 31 touchdowns and 3,121 yards even though his right arm and shoulder were still in pain.

Mauk broke the arm and separated the shoulder in Wake Forest’s season opener in 2006, then transferred to Cincinnati.

He appealed to the NCAA for an extra year of eligibility because of the injuries, but was turned down.
A second appeal claiming he redshirted his freshman year at Wake Forest in part because of different injuries also was rejected.

Mauk then went to the NCAA’s reinstatement committee, which ruled last week there wasn’t enough medical documentation to support his claim that he missed his freshman year because of injury.
His lawsuit says it’s not his fault that files weren’t maintained.

The NCAA was disappointed by the ruling, a spokesman said:

“We look forward to explaining more fully our reasons for the decision and the careful review given not only by our staff but also by representatives from our member schools” spokesman Erik Christianson said in a statement.

Additionally the NCAA is threatening the University of Cincinnati with forfeiting their season if Ben Mauk even takes to the practice field.

EDITORS NOTE: Soooooo “other” member schools have a say-so in the rules and who is eligibile and who isn’t? Really? That is what I like to refer to as “A Damn Lie.”

NCAA: Don’t you all have something more important to do than screw with a quarterback in Cincinnati, like say for example….FINISH the INVESTIGATION into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Florida State defensive end Markus White returned to practice Friday, a day after suffering a seizure. FSU officals said that White takes medication to control an undisclosed medical condition and that Thursday was not the first time he had a seizure.

When Coach Bobby was asked if White should be playing under the circumstances, he replied; “Now listen, I have discussed this before and I still believe that you shouldn’t discriminate against anyone because of their skin color. I think there is a place on this team for Whites, Blacks, Hispanics and Lord what I would give to have an Asian Kicker, like that Polish kid we had a few years ago.”

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Dementia” in the 2008 Websters Dictionary, it says “See Bobby Bowden.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: It seems the Trojans have suffered a “rash” of injuries lately.
According to the Los Angeles Times over 25% of the Trojan team has been affected by Jock Itch.

Coach Pete Carroll told the Times that “he has never seen anything like the current outbreak” and is pointing the finger at the new compression shorts the team is wearing underneath their football pants.

EDITORS NOTE: Every other football team in America is wearing the new shorts and nobody has the same problem as the Trojans. Couldn’t be the Pink Thongs your team is wearing at practice? Right Coach?
(Please see the August 6th Update on your College Football Wizard)
No word yet on the status of the players affected or Coach Carroll’s yeast infection.

NOTRE DAME: Early last week Notre Dame Officals reported that Head Coach Charlie Weis had lost over 100 pounds during the off-season. Unfortunately Coach Charlie “turned around” and found it on Friday.

OLYMPICS: The Folks at NBC want you to believe that “The World is Coming to China” for the Olympic games. Really? So where is the Antarctica Beach Volleyball Team? My Point exactly….

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: STOP saying that Coach Rod’s wife is a ten dollar Hooker! She IS NOT a TEN DOLLAR Hooker! Got it!
Anonymous – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Coach, I mean “anonymous”… I never said your wife was a ten dollar hooker.
I said your wife “looks” like a ten dollar hooker, acts like a ten dollar hooker and talks like a ten dollar hooker. Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.

Q: Mike, it’s that time of year again, so I have to ask…What’s the difference between a Georgia Tech Cheerleader and a Pig?
P.S. How Bout them Dawgs!
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Stan, I would have to say about 25 pounds, a bad case of acne and Black and Gold painted toenails.

Q: Dear Sir: I am one of the Metaphysical Psychics hired by the University of Southern California Trojan football team to assist with the players delicate psychological balance.
Please desist with your negative comments concerning the Trojans, it is hurtful to the players.
Thank you.
Dr. Quan – Los Angeles, California

A: Wow, so you are a “mind reader”? Do you know what I am thinking right now?
If you guessed “The Trojans Suck”, you are right!

Q: Hey Mike! Could you tell me where I can find lingerie for a pig?
It’s not for me, honest! It’s for a friend.
Scooter – Lenoir City, Tennessee

A: I would suggest checking at Fredericks of Obknoxville.  

Only 12 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted next weekend.

RTR
MEB

Until I leave in another couple of months I will be providing your picks and pronostications on the weekend.

Next weekend, in preparation for the opening kickoff to our beloved College Football 2008 Season, I will provide you the “College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza” with Conference and Championship Picks and pronostications. No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me.

This weekend we have reports from a variety of teams and conferences and a sample of the oddest collection of emails I have ever received. So let’s get to it.

FLORIDA STATE: As reported early in the week, Coach Bobby Bowden was said to have found the restroom “All By Himself”. Unfortunately Coach Bobby relieved himself in the sink and was reported to have been screaming at the hand drier “Hey Everybody! It’s a Jet Engine!” It’s sad really.

OKLAHOMA: This week Coach Bob Stoops dismissed one of the most highly touted freshman wide receivers in the country before he ever arrived in Norman.

Josh Jarboe of Decatur Georgia was sent “packing” after he posted an obscenity laced rap video on YouTube that referenced shooting people and then proceeded to follow up that stroke of genius by being arrested on the Campus of his High School for carrying a gun.

No word yet on when Bobby Bowden or Phil Fulmer will offer him a scholarship.

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it. That kid is a dumbass.

MICHIGAN: Last week Coach Rod’s wife shows up at a Wolverine Alumni gathering dressed like a ten dollar hooker and Vh1 announced that “Rock of Love III with Bret Michaels is currently being cast.”

Coincidence? I think not.

TENNESSEE: During the Southeastern Conference media days Coach Phil Fulmer was served with a subpoena to give a deposition in the case against disassociated boosters relating to the NCAA investigation of the University of Alabama.

Why is this important? For starters; Fat Phil and his “personal” attorney Jeff Hagood stated in 2003 that Phil Fumer would give a deposition in the case “as soon as the Coach’s schedule allowed.” Coach Phil then proceded to skip the 2004 Southeastern Conference Media days to avoid being served in the case and attempted to pass the $10,000 dollar fine for skipping the conference off to the University.

To make matters even more comical, if that’s possible, Coach Phil tried to claim that he wasn’t “served” at the recent conference media days, that he was “only signing an autograph.”

What are you? Stupid or just illiterate?

EDITORS NOTE: Much like you, I would believe that Coach Phil was “really” that busy for the last five years if Knoxville had a 24 hour Krispy Kreme, but they don’t.

WEST VIRGINIA: At the recent Big East Conference Media days Mountaineer Quarterback Pat White decided that he didn’t want to talk about West Virginia’s chances to win the Conference Championship or discuss the latest Bowl win in 2007. Instead, Pat White thought this would be a good time to claim the West Virginia Mountaineer BASEBALL team was racist because (In his opinion) they didn’t have enough black baseball players on the team.

Wait, aren’t you the quarterback of the Football team?
I have a novel idea; at the Big East Football Media Days why don’t you talk about FOOTBALL?

EDITORS NOTE: If anyone out there REALLY believes that a coach of a Major University Sports program wouldn’t want the best athletes on the field to win regardless of their color, religion or shoe size, then let me be the first to tell you. Congratulations; You are a dumbass.

LSU: Recently at a Fightn’ Tiger Alumni function Coach Miles made some unflattering remarks and jokes about the University of Alabama. Why Coach? Is the National Championship not enough for you?

Let me be the first to remind you Coach that you WON with Coach Sabans recruits, not yours.

You will not remain at the top of the ladder forever, after all this is the Southeastern Conference.

And lastly as Coach Bryant used to say; “Win without bragging and lose without excuse.”

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs have anymore arrests they won’t be able to field a two man row boat team.
Stop acting like Florida State and Tennessee, you all are Georgia for God’s Sake.

PENN STATE: Some Idiot Alumni of Penn State is banging the drum that “Jo Pa has lost control of the Nittany Lion football team” and should be fired.

Are you serious? Compared to what team, Yale? They don’t even have a marching band.

Jo Pa is a GIANT of the Game. Period. He should be allowed to retire when he damn well wants too.

Enough said.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s comments like this that confirms my dislike for yankees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So whatever happened to the NCAA and PAC 10 Investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush?

Go ahead ESPN, ignore it if you want and talk about how the “Mexican-American community have embraced Mark Sanchez as a Hero” and any number of other stupid articles about U$C.

We are still waiting.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hello! Welcome to Candyland! (I sometimes like starting my emails out like that!)
I am new to your column and have a question for you that I hope you can help me with.
I have a pet chinchilla named Skippy that I LOVE! I want to dress him up for college football games, but can’t find any place that has uniforms or college game day clothes to fit him, can you help?
Thanks?
Stuart – Irvine, California
A: You are a Southern California Trojan fan, aren’t you Stu?

Q: Mike we are expecting a BIG year for the Florida State Seminoles!
I have a question that I am sure you can help me out with!
Does Coach Bobby wear anything “lucky” to give him that extra confidence during a game?
Chuck – Fort Meyers, Florida
A: Depends

Q: Mike, I come from a family of hardworking oil drillers. My grandfather, Dad and four brothers are all oil drillers. The decision to follow my dream of becoming a puppeteer and a background dancer for children’s shows has resulted in me being ostracized by 92% of my family.
Let’s just say that I hear such phrases as “Worked on any new Fairy Dances lately Tim?” and “Hey Tim, why don’t you give us a private show with your lamb puppet?”

If this weren’t bad enough, I have to decided to come “out of the closet” and tell my family the news.

I am a Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan.

Do you have any advice that could help me?
Tim – Lagrange, Georgia
A: You are on your own Tiny Dancer.

Q: Greetings! While watching a rerun of “Charles in Charge” starring Scott Baio an idea popped into my head! I don’t get out of the house much but love to experiment and mix chemicals in my basement. Using a combination on melted deodorant, cheap cologne and some old hair gel, I wish to create a new cologne for me entitled BAIO! I believe those elements would re-create the vibrant smell of the real life Chachi!

So my question is this, if I were to create a unique cologne for the Greatest Coach in Tennessee History what would I need? I am going to call it PHAT Phil (You know as in “Pretty Hot and Tempting”)
What do you think?
Dale – Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I would go with the above ingredients and add a Krispy Kreme Bear Claw and Jelly donut, a scoop or two of Lard and a cup of Bull Crap and consider re-naming the cologne BFL; you know, as in Big Fat Liar.

Lastly Dale, Just say “No to Drugs.”

Only 27 Days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB