It’s Hootie Snitch!
The Number damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

There has been a lot happening!

The Tennessee Vols is State Champions!

Hell Yeah!

Also I got some Big News about my brand damn new place “Snitch’s”
It’s in a previously owned double wide just off the bypass
Right here in Baneberry Tennessee…

It is freaking awesome!

I even got me some emails to answer too

And it wouldn’t be Christmas without a surprise now would it?
Ole Hootie got yawl a surprise that Alabama guy don’t know nothing about..

So kick off your shoes and make yourself at home…

TENNESSEE VOLS and the NCAA

So them damn Yankees don’t like the University of Tennessee having some “hostesses”?
You want to know why?
I am fixing to tell you
Cause all them gals up north…..
don’t shave their legs or arm pits and wear perfume that smells like bug repellent.
Not to mention they always have about ten layers of clothes on cause it’s always cold enough up there to freeze a brass monkey.
They is prejudice that we got all the good looking women down South.
That’s what it is….
So I say lets send them a bunch of them Lady Schick razors, a bushel basket of makeup
And some perfumes that don’t smell like cat urine and see if that don’t improve the scenery up there.

SNITCH’S BAR & GRILL

You might notice I put the “Bar and Grill” behind the name of my new place.
It sounds classy don’t it?
I did that because I got a “Bar” and I “grill” the best damn Possum wings in the county!
So it just kind of made sense.
Plus I ain’t got no “infringement” problems like I did with them Hooter’s people
Anyways….

I had the Grand Opening a few weeks ago and guess who showed up?
Go ahead and guess!
Guess again!
I’ll tell you!
Only the greatest Coach ever to wear an Orange!
Coach Phil Fulmer himself!
He showed up cause everybody knows he’s a Snitch…..
And I heard he was part Ratt on my momma’s side too!

Coach even helped us string some lights outside of the new place
And decorate our tree Christmas tree!

It’s awesome as hell ain’t it!

Coach Phil even “Volunteered” (get it!) to be the Santa at Snitch’s
Because folks coming in here to get their “Drink on” with their kids in tow, need something to keep them young’uns occupied.
But we had us an incident so that didn’t pan out…
This one kid come in with his momma, he was about six years old
He smelled like wet cotton candy and baloney….
And before I could say “Tennessee Volunteers are Number Damn One!”
Coach Phil had a hold of that little boy and was fixing to eat him….

I don’t blame Coach Phil; he’s got what they call a sugar condition.

But before I give you yawls Christmas Surprise…
I got do something for my partners in crime
This here is a picture of my two running partners Skeeter and Tater
Folks around here call us the “Three Amigo’s” and some people think them boys look like Brad Pitt and that Clooney fellow.
I figured it wouldn’t hurt to put a picture of them in here for Christmas.
That’s them taking a break on the front porch of Snitch’s when we was fixing it up
Merry Christmas Boys!

One more thing…
If any of yawl is still looking for that “special” gift for Christmas
Come on down to “Snitch’s” for some gift certificates!
I got certificates for Possum Wings and Barbequed Muskrat nuggets!
If yawl is wondering if my food is any good?
Look no further than the Baneberry Health Department
They come by and inspected my place and gave me a “D” for Delicious!

And don’t forget to check out the website of my favorite Gift Shop!
The International Tow Truck Hall of Fame Museum Hall of Fame and Gift Shop!

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

If you is real lucky you might find a shirt like this one!

HOOTIE’S CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

I promised yawl a Christmas surprise and I bet you can’t guess what it is?
Go ahead and guess!
Guess again!
I’ll tell you!
At the “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s I invited everybody on my dating site
“Disharmony Dot Com”
And guess who showed up?
Bet you can’t guess?
The Sister-in-Law of the Alabama guy that writes this here column!
She rode down from Kentucky with some other gals and let me tell you something,,,
That gal has got the personality of a jackass eating briars!
But I done went and got a picture of her!

She told me she combs her back like that to cover them “calcium deposits”
And believe it or not…somewhere underneath all that hair is a tube top.

HOOTIES EMAIL

Q: Dear Sir –
My wife and I are traveling to Volunteer Country during Christmas to see the beauty of the Mountains,
and I have a question that I hope you can help us out with.
We understand that shouting “Ho Ho Ho!” has an entirely different meaning in Volunteer Country is that true?
We certainly wouldn’t want offend anyone.
The Dillon’s- Cincinnati, Ohio

A: You ain’t got to be all formal! Just call me Hootie…
Anyways….
I don’t know about offended anybody….
But if you come in the door of Snitch’s and shout “Ho Ho Ho!”
Every woman in the place will turn around….
I like to think of it as an ice breaker…

Q: Hey Hootie!
The Boys and I at the plant have a question for you.
Two questions actually.
One: Do you have a jute box in your new place?
Two: What kind of tunes do you have on it?
We are thinking about making a road trip to see you during the holidays!
Thanks!
The Boys – Winchester, Tennessee

A: Winchester Tennessee!
That’s Only the Hometown of Coach Phil Fulmer!
That place is like my “Graceland”!

Well Boys, I ain’t got a jute box yet, but it’s a coming..
So right now I got me a one of them CD Players from Wal Mart and
Somebody “burned” me a CD with four songs on it that I play religiously

1. Rocky Top (Hell Yeah!)
2. Jeremiah was a Bullfrog, by Three Dogs in the Night
3. Love Shack, by some group named after a plane in the Air Force
4. Stand By your Man by the Queen of Country Music Tammy Wynette

And I went and bought me a CD with them Dogs a Barking all the Christmas songs!

Yawl came on down I’ll be looking for you!

Q: We have had one whole season under our belt with the “new” Coach of Tennessee.
So what do you think Hootie?
Gerald “Jerry” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I’ll tell you Jerry…
That Lame Kitten has done a pretty good job, I mean..
We ain’t won the State Championship of Tennessee in a long time…
And we is going to a Bowl game…Which we hadn’t done for a while neither.
But I believe that was due to Coach Phil’s sugar condition is why we ain’t gone to one
I heard flying makes it act up.

Q: Dear Mister Snitch
At the risk of requiring therapy perhaps you can answer a question
And settle a bet we have in the office.
What do you want for Christmas this year?
Holly – Platte City, Missouri

A: Well Hello Miss Lady! And thank you for asking
I want what I asked for last year and the year before that….
To meet a deaf mute supermodel that owns her own chain of liquor stores..

Hope Yawl all have a very Merry Christmas and Kick Ass New Year!

Yawl come see me at Snitch’s, autographs are Free for the Ladies!

Hootie – Out!

Much like my University’s mascot…
I have the memory of an elephant and I hardly ever forget anything.
As you might imagine, it’s a curse and blessing.

That being said….
I remember the following quotes from some noted Sports publications and commentators
back in August of this year before the college football season began.

Sports Illustrated

“Pete Carroll and the Trojans are even better than they were a year ago…”

“The Mighty Men of Troy will once again breeze through the PAC 10 and be in the National title picture…”

“Pete Carroll is the best college football coach in the country, hands down”

Fox Sports

“The Southern California Trojans won’t miss a beat this year…..
and their defense will be even better than it has been the past several years, and that is scary…”

“Coach Pete Carroll has one of the top two college football teams in the Nation”

Lisa Horne of Fox Sports

“Like it or not, Pete Carroll and the Southern California Trojans will be in the National Title game this year….”

“Matt Barkley will lead the Trojans to the National Title game….”

“Matt Barkley “may be” the first freshman to win the Heisman trophy…”

College Football News

“The Trojans will win the PAC 10 title hands down and will be in the National Title game at the end of the season…”

“The Men of Troy’s defense is scary good and even better than it was a year ago…”

ESPN

“Nobody in the PAC 10 can touch USC; the only question is who they will face in the National title game”

“Pete Carroll has assembled his finest team since his arrival on the Trojan campus”

ESPN’s Mark May

“Pete Carroll has such a wealth of talent at every position, all he has to do is reload”

“The Southern California Trojans will face either Texas or Florida in the National Championship game….
but Pete Carroll’s Trojans will definitely be in the title game.”

“Once the Trojans defeat Ohio State, nothing will slow them down until the National Title game”

CBS Sports

“Like it or not folks, the National Title will have to go through Pete Carroll’s Trojans”

THE CFB WIZARD

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator didn’t pick the Trojans to win anything….
not the conference title or be in the national title hunt.

And the emails flowed in with that prognostication didn’t they?

Some called me a “Trojan Hater”

Other emails from California and irate Trojan Fans called me far worse names.

Now after a school known more for their SAT scores than touchdowns…
Torched the Trojans for 55 points on “Homecoming” and Coach Pete and the Men of Troy are
“Where?” in the Pac 10 Conference standings, I have to ask all you detractors….

“How do you like me now?”

But look on the bright side U$C Trojan fans….
At least Coach Pete shook the Stanford’s Coach’s hand at the end of this game…
unlike the snub he gave him two years ago when the Cardinal Beat the Trojans at home.
So I guess, that counts for something…

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH SOUNDS OF STUPIDITY

Life is funny sometimes.
Just when you think some things have changed, they remain the same.
Take the University of Tennessee for instance..
Just when you think they Volunteers have a Football Coach…
that will restore a tattered reputation away from “Thug University”
and bring discipline back to a program that couldn’t spell it during the Phil Fulmer era….
once again we find ourselves back where we started.

In the event you haven’t heard or read about the three Tennessee Football players recent arrest
let me give you the “Low Lights” of the three Orange clad prodigal sons of stupidity.

Three Tennessee football players, one a “star” recruit and wearing his “Tennessee football regalia”
attempted to rob at gun point using a pellet gun, people in a vehicle at a truck stop
in the very same town in which they live and play football.

As you might imagine, it doesn’t end there….

One player was released by the police..
after presumably rolling over on the other two
and the other two players posted their bond that was set at $19,500 dollars each.

Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton had this to say…..

“We are evaluating the circumstances surrounding the incident before we make a decision”

Tennessee Football Coach Lane Kiffin had this to say……

“We are gathering all information until we make a decision…”

EDITORS NOTE: I wrote the very lines you are about to read…
time and time again about the same lousy excuses provided by Fat Phil Fulmer
and the then alcoholic Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee for similar incidents and some far worse.

So for the benefit of Coach Lane Kiffin and Athletic Director Mike Hamilton, let me make this one simple for you, O.K?

Wait for it…..

Wait for it….

There are ALREADY is plenty of “information” available to make a “decision”, it’s all in the police report, you two dumbass’s.

I sure hope that helps.

But I have two questions for Coach Lane, Mike Hamilton and all the loyal Volunteer Fans out there.

Who paid their bail and who is paying for their attorney’s?

Because it damn sure isn’t them or their families and we all know that don’t we?

More later in the week..

So stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

It’s your ole Buddy and Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Freaking Planet..
Hootie Snitch!

Before I get to talking about my brand damn new restaurant…
I got to get something off my chest about that game with them hated Crimson Tides.

First thing….
Coach Lane was “right on” about them damn referees and not calling penalties about Alabama.
They should have called a damn penalty every play for having too many people on the defense side.
Just look at that Mount Cody!
He’s as big as three of our boys and that should count extra on the field, that’s all I’m saying…

Second thing….
That fella that writes this column ought not to be making fun of Coach Phil Fulmer.
He’s only like the greatest coach that has ever freaking lived!
And just for the record, he ain’t “Fat”, he’s got big bones.
Like the kind you find in a dinosaur….

Now let me tell you about my new restaurant, “Snitch’s” right here in Baneberry.

See, I named it after my last name so’s I won’t have me an infringement.
Like I done last time with them Hooter’s people.

If you was wondering how I got the money to get me another restaurant after that last fiasco….
Well let yawl in on a little secret.

I done and went and got me some of that “Stimulus” money.

I sure as hell did!

I sent the government this form and then this fellow called me and asked me some questions.
Like what? I knew you was a going to ask..

He says, “Have you been under some hardship the past couple of years?”

I says, “Hell yeah”. I said that cause as much as I hate to admit it Phil Fulmer had placed a hardship on all of us Volunteer fans by “working like heck” as he used to say and not getting anything done, I think it’s cause he had low blood sugar.

Then the man asked me, “Do I feel better about the way things are now?”
I said “Hell yeah I do.”
I said that cause Coach Lane ain’t keeping the thugs and trouble makers on the team and they are in every dang game.

Then he says, “So will this business benefit the community and promote the environment?” I tell him “You damn skippy it will!”
Cause let’s face it, I got the best possum wings and muskrat nuggets on the freaking planet! And you want environment? I have the best environment for a Tennessee Volunteer game day party anywhere around here.

So guess what happened then?
I got me a check in the mail!

I damn sure did!

So coming soon….

The Grand Opening of “Snitch’s” right here in beautiful Baneberry Tennessee is a coming soon!

Our motto is…
We put the “U” in “Fun”..catchy ain’t it?

It ain’t completely fixed up yet, but I am gett’n er done!

That’s my Momma (Rowena) I have been a telling you about in the picture, she’s a helping out too.
We is going to launch her campaign to get into the International Tow Truck Hall of Fame and Museum from here too.
Hell yes we are!

Yawl is all welcome to come on down and party with me and all the Volunteer fans
and if any of you ladies out there want your picture taken with me, it’s free.

Hootie – Out!

So let’s take a moment to look at some team news and games of the past week.

And certainly I want to answer your long awaited emails….

Much like many of you….
At this point in the season I am just thankful that I am not on any liver donor list yet.

Enjoy your update!

TEAM NEWS

OLE MISS: So you want to change your fight song….
Because “some” Ole Miss student’s think the final verse of the Rebel fight song that says “And the South Shall Rise again…”
is somehow racist and should be changed?

I have a question..
When is this crap going to stop?

Are all you politically correct urchins that afraid of us Southerners?

You should be…
Because we Southerners have just about had all this force feed guilt we are going to take.

So continue with your agenda on “changing” us…

We will let you know when you are done…

CLEMSON: Who was the “Only” Prognosticator to pick the Tigers over the Hurricanes?
No need to thank me, I love you guys…

TENNESSEE: The Volunteers will not lose another game the rest of the season.
Remember you heard it here first…

However….

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Lane I know you are knew to the “real” coaching ranks..
But stop with the crying and whining after a tough game…
Your boys played their hearts out…
You do a disservice to the players by acting like a spoiled teenager after a loss.

Blaming the referees, the wind and Barney the Purple Dinosaur…
“IF” you knew anything about the series itself
You would know….
It’s not uncommon for the dominating team to lose the game..
I remember a game we dominated, until Jay Graham broke lose and we lost 20-13
I also remember an overtime game not so long ago that the Volunteers plucked away at the last moment.

It’s called life dumbass….
Get over it….

NEBRASKA: What the Hell Cornhuskers? What the Hell…

INDIANA: You Hoosiers, lost a two touchdown lead with minutes left in the game?
You know this screwed up my average for the week, right?

TEXAS: The Longhorns didn’t look that strong against a wounded Sooner team,
but they sure put the beat down on MO this week. Their real test is this week…

FLORIDA STATE: Who was the “only” Prognosticator to pick the Seminoles over the Heels? No need to thank me, it’s how I roll….

ALABAMA: I was going to write something clever here, but Mount Cody Blocked it…

OKLAHOMA: The Sooners aren’t the same without Bradford,
but they are still a force to be reckoned with.
If you don’t think so, let’s see a show of hands of “Who” wants to play them in a bowl game?
Boise State put your hands down…

PAC 10: I am beginning to believe I couldn’t pick one of your games correctly if you were playing the cast of “Sesame Street”, which by the way is a part of the “always” tough Southern California Trojans “road” schedule.

WASHINGTON: Bad Dogs……

CHATTANOOGA: Come on Moccasins, the playoffs aren’t out of reach….
It’s time to man up….

FLORIDA: I don’t know if the opposition has placed Kryptonite in the end zone to keep Superman out,
but the Gators better figure out the mystery before it’s too late.

OHIO STATE: This is a message for the few disgruntled Buckeye Fans…

Are you serious?
You want to run Coach Tressel out of town?

Have you forgotten John Cooper?

Have you forgotten the National Championship?

Have you forgotten the Buckeye Heisman Trophy winner?

Have you forgotten the dominance of the hated Maze and Blue?

You people (That’s right I said “you” people)
You should be ashamed of yourselves…

IOWA: I can’t believe it myself….
But the Eyes of the Hawk are for real
Believe it…

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Amphibians will be undefeated this year…
Just as I predicted…

BOSIE STATE: See Texas Christian “above”
No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me…

NORTH ALABAMA: I am thinking “another” National Championship for the Lions…
But if the young cubs don’t rediscover their offense they will never make it…

WEST VIRGINIA: To the Mountaineer Coaches, Players and Fans…
That was a class act honoring the fallen Connecticut Football Player on Saturday
First Class…..

SOUTHERN METHODIST: My Proud Ponies are down but they are far from out….

NCAA: So where are you on the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Are you all just too busy counting textbooks and checking on who’s fishing or what?

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I enjoy opening my emails with that catchy little diddy…
As you know I have become the Number One Kenny Rogers imitator in the tri-state area!
No thanks in small part to your Encouragement!
Anyway, the University of Cincinnati hasn’t answered my “offer” to sing the National Anthem at their next game.
I think it would give them “extra” luck if I were to sing and maybe throw in some
”Islands in the Stream” for good measure too!
So anyway, do you think you could contact the University of Cincinnati and see if you could get them to let me sing at the next game?
It will be glorious!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: First, I want to go on record as “not encouraging you”,
Second I have to ask; you don’t know where I live do you?
But it case you were wondering, it’s a little hard to find town outside of Nome, Alaska.

Q: O’ Man! You did it!
I just read the article in Fox Sports that the refs for UF/Ark game were suspended.
They were the very same crew that worked (and screwed up) the LSU/UGA game.
Dude, you’ve got clout.
Thanks!
Hank – North Charleston, South Carolina

A: Be Thankful my Super Powers are always used for good…
Well, most of the time anyway…

Q: What wrong wit you? You no write back wit address on mascot we need change!
Military academy mascot no good, make us immigrants feel bad.
Navy goat look like honorable grandmother and Ho Chi Minn.
Army mule look like honorable grandfather, kick like him too.
Air Force falcon remind us of Hanoi bomb! Number ten very bad!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I’m really sorry….
But every time I read “Ding Dung”
I think…
“Whose there?”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You picked the Delaware Blue Hens early in the season
and then you just stopped listing them. Is there a reason you stopped having them in your weekly picks?
Thanks!
Ben – Dover, Delaware

A: I will answer your email after I stop laughing hysterically….
“Ben Dover”….yes, I am that easily amused.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard
I been thinkin bout playin that Ga-Fla game game in Jacksonville again.
Well, I finally found a good excuse not to EVER play it down there.
If you sit and stare at that picture of a Flarda license plate what does it look like?
If you said it looks like some mans not so excited private parts, well, you’d be right.
So, we don’t want are children being exposed to any state sponsored pornography so we should never, EVER go to Flarda again!!!

http://www.dmvflorida.org/florida-license-plate.shtml

Do you think maybe we could use that excuse and get the game moved to Valdosta permanantly?
GO DAWGS!! WOOF WOOF!!
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: If nothing else Lemuel, you sir are persistent.

Q: Mike, what’s the deal?
Why do you hate Phil Fulmer so much?
Jimmie – Beaumont, Texas

A: Beyond his attack on the CBS College Football Game Day Studio Hosts..
Which by the way, is still under investigation

Fat Phil Fulmer is rumored to have killed David “Grasshopper” Carradine

I am still not over it…

Have a great week…
Your College Football Week 9 Picks will be out later..

RTR
MEB