Ladies and Gentlemen -

I know….

But Please Stop.. you are embarrassing me….

Just Because I was THE ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country to Pick the Texas Christian Horned Frog win (Not an “upset”) last night over the “Undefeated” BYU Cougars is no reason for such adulation…..

I am just a simple College Fooball Prognosticating Genius…

Sort of like “Rain Man”…without the stammer…

Enjoy Your Picks!

 

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

TENNESSEE: Did anyone see or hear the pregame “interviews” with selected Tennessee Players before last weeks game with Georgia?

In case you missed it…

Here is a brief review….

Defensive Lineman Robert Ayers from Cilio, South Carolina…

“We Ima Heba Go baaa Too Ratba….I sama geaam!”

Offensive Lineman Anthony Parker from Jonesboro, Georgia….

“GOO da bam an da big ga bubba, do da gema too!”

and Last but not Least….

Quarterback Nick Stephens from Flower Mound, Texas…

“EWUS de see moo to harrr, te gema form tut!”

EDITORS NOTE: I am almost certain they are all “Speech” Majors….

 

TENNESSEE (PART II): Anybody see ALL the Tennessee Volunteer Mascots lined up on the sidelines last weekend in Georgia?
It looked like the cast from “Alice in Wonderland”….
There was a Mountain Man….yet they aren’t the “Mountaineers”
and they aren’t the “David Crockett’s”….
or even the “Crockett’ers”…

EDITORS NOTE: I think the “Crockett’ers” sounds like an Old Peoples Dancing Club…

 
THEN….
There was the student in the Dog Costume…
and they aren’t the “Dogs”…
or the “Dawgs”…
Or even the “Huckleberry Hounds”…

EDITORS NOTE: Although that is a thought….

 

Then there is the “Real” Blue Tick Hound…
Yet…
We already covered the “Canine” topic haven’t we?

Did you see the student in the “Orange” Costume?
I know they have a lot of “Fruits” in Tennessee…
But “Oranges”?

 

TENNESSEE (PART III): I am still waiting to hear from my Tennessee Vol fans on the Trivia question….
 ”Who was the Last Quarterback to Start for the Vols from the state of Tennessee…?”

Don’t worry….

I’ll wait….

 

AUBURN: First the “Good News”….

Coach Tubberville fired “Himself” this week after calling what he described as a horrible game last week with Arkansas…

Now the “Bad News”….

Coach Tubberville then hired “Himself” back with a 6 million dollar buy-out clause…

 

OKLAHOMA STATE: You boys damn sure Cowboy’d Up!
Congratulations on a GREAT Win….

OLE MISS: I have a “Safety Tip” for any Rebel Fans planning on making the trip to “T” Town this weekend…
“IF” any of you Rebel Fans that threw bottles (and yes even shoes..)..and spit on our players after last years game in Oxford attempt the same stunt again this year…

YOU will not get out of T-Town in the same shape you arrived….

That’s a promise…

 

COMMERCIALS: What the Hell is wrong with the folks from Pizza Hut?

A commercial that shows a Father ”showing” his son how to eat a slice of pizza?

We are not interested in the “Further Adventures of the Wussy Family”…

 

AP and USA TODAY POLLS: SOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo
The Southern California Trojans are Number #6 in one poll…
and…
Number # 8 in another poll?

I am sorry, I can’t seem to remember…
Who have they played to “GET BACK” into the Top Ten?

Nobody….
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

The Ohio State Buckeyes lost to (by the national media accounts) “The Best Team EVER”…

Yet they can’t get back into the Top Ten….

Why?
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

 

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: YOU still aren’t on probation? Really?

Who did you have for NCAA Investigatiors, O.J.’s “First” jury?

 

NCAA: You know what’s coming now right?

“So where is the Investigation into Reggie Bu$h and the $outhern California Trojan$?”

We are still waiting….

 

ESPN: If you were watching the Texas - Oklahoma game: Then you heard the worse, most uncomfortable conversation of all time during a broadcast college football game between Brent Musberger and Kirt Herbstreit….

KIRT: I love the atmosphere of this game with the Texas State Fair right outside the Cotton Bowl..

BRENT: Isn’t that the Texas Ferris Wheel in the distance?

KIRT: Let me see..I am reading from the Texas State Fair Guide..
The Texas State Ferris Wheel is one of the largest free standing Ferris Wheels in the World at Over 200 plus feet tall…

BRENT: What do you say you and I take a ride on that after the game?

KIRT: What? No, that’s alright……
Looks like Oklahoma is ready to take the field after the time-out…

BRENT: We could relax on the wheel and forget about the troubles on Wall Street and see the lights of Dallas from up there….

KIRT: No, that’s alright Brent I’ll pass….

EDITORS NOTE: Just when you think Brent Musburger couldn’t get any creeper….
He wants to get all “Mister McFeely” with Kirt Herbstreit…..

 

ESPN (PART II): Thanks so much for adding “another” studio analyst to an already crowded lineup…

Todd McShay..”Director of College Scouting”

Are YOU Kidding me?

Call him what he is…..

Another..
“Master of the Obvious”…

 

CLEMSON: Although about FOUR years too late to suit me….

YOU made the right decision…

It’s time to get a REAL Football Coach for the Tigers….

One is on the way…
Believe me…

 

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, could you start picking some other “smaller” schools in the northeast?
Think about it!
Ben - Dover, Delaware
A: O My Gosh….
ARE you KIDDING Me!
“BEN DOVER”?
I may have peed on myself….

Q: Mike, I know this is not your normal subject matter…
 But what do you know about today’s ”so-called”… ”Energy Drinks”?
Are they harmful?
Thanks!
Molly - Fort Smith, Arkansas
A: Molly you came to the right place…
“Little Known” fact  we folks in the South have known for years…
Mountain Dew is the “Orginal” Energy Drink…
You don’t think so?
If you drink Mountain Dew for breakfast for four years you can’t donate blood..
Enough said…

Q: I want to thank Hootie Snitch for the smoking hot picture of that “girl” he got arrested with!
Bunch of us done downloaded the picture and got it blowed up!
It’s hanging in the work shed right now!
Skeeter - Dandridge, Tennessee
A: See the below email…

Q: DAMN! Where in the Hell did Hootie Snich find that GOOD Looking Gal?
LORDY I done copied that picture and sent it to all my friends!
Hot damn, I am still all lathered up over that picture!
War Eagle!
Chip - Loachapoka, Alabama
A: It’s nice to know that Hootie has “Interstate” appeal…

Q: Helloo! I want you to know that I enjoy your article!
I read each week!
You inspire me to follow my dreams!
I inspire to be the FIRST Asian Ghost Buster!
YES!
So I go back to Hong Kong and follow my dream!
Chang - San Francisco, California
(Hong Kong!)
A: SOOOooooooooooooooooo
Who you gonna Crawl?

 

THE GAMES

Saturday October 18th

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
If you have children in the room when this game is on…
Please, send them out to play…
This is going to be really ugly…
As in my Sister-in-Law in a string bikini ugly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-17

Vanderbilt at Georgia
On paper this looks like a really close game…
But Football isn’t played on paper…
HOW Bout Them DAWGS!
DAWGS 28-17

LSU at South Carolina
Please see “Texas Tech at Texas A&M” for a graphic description of this game…
FIGHT’N TIGERS 31-14

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the above visuals, but yes…
They will be “That” ugly…

 

Syracuse at South Florida
A team called the “Orange” goes to Florida and gets squeezed…

Coincidence?

I think not…
BULLS 33-10

Kutztown at East Stroudsburg
Is Kutztown close to Funky Town?
Just wondering….

 

Wake Forest at Maryland
I wish I had a shirt that says…
“I Got Crabs in Maryland”…
But sometimes I wish for too much…
NINJA TURTLES 24-21

Purdue at Northwestern
I would watch this game but I have all the symptoms….
That I am getting Disco Fever…
WILLDCATS 24-23

Memphis at East Carolina
I don’t know where either team has been for the past three weeks…
So this is a toss up…
PIRATES 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Skip Holtz has been too busy “Interviewing” for the Clemson job before it even became open….

Because he has….

 

Connecticut at Rutgers
The Jersey (Pronounced: Jeo-seeeeee) Cinderella lost her shoes….
And…..
Mid-Night Powder Blue Eye Shadow…
HUSKIES 27-21 

Georgia Tech at Clemson
Everything says the folks from Carolina won’t win….
But this is about “Pride”….
I am a Believer…
TIGERS 23-21

Frostburg State at Ithaca
You know a school is ten miles from the artic circle when they name it “Frost-burg”…
Or maybe….
This is the school were “Frosted Flakes” was invented…
Never mind..

Wisconsin at Iowa
Will the Mighty Badgers lose four in a row?
Not this year….
Believe in the Power of Cheese……
BADGERS 33-27

Nebraska at Iowa State
Did anybody see the “Black Shirts” take the Red Raiders to Overtime last week?
Enough said…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17

Kansas at Oklahoma
My Choice for the “Last Team on the Planet to Play when they are Mad as Hell”…..

BOOMER SOONERS 34-23

Colorado State at Utah
I really didn’t know which way to go on this one…….
But I just got finished watching “My Cousin Vinnie..”
TWO UTES 33-28

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Have I mentioned that the Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest Medical Schools in the country?
They may need it when this is over….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Southern Miss at Rice
I wish I could take the Golden Eagles in this one….
and I would have…
But you got rid of Coach Bower…
MY FAVORITE PUDDING 24-20

Ole Miss at Alabama
Let’s keep this one simple shall we?
CRIMSON TIDE 27-17

Southern California at Washington State
The cougars couldn’t whip cream……
TROJAN$ 116-0

Ohio State at Michigan State
This is going to be one hell of an old fashion Big Ten..I mean “Eleven” Fight…
Don’t blink….
BUCKEYES 23-20

Westminster at LaGrange College
“Haw..Haw Haw…”
I just couldn’t resist another ZZ Top reference…

North Carolina at Virginia
I think the world of those boys from the Old Dominion…
But…
The Tar Heels are for REAL….
(Just like I told you they were at the begining of the season..)
TAR HEELS 28-17

Pittsburg at Navy
Do you know who I think will have a “Big” day in this game?
The Midshipman Quarterback….
“Kaippo-Nooa KKahheeakku- Ennhhadda”

That poor boy’s name starts at the back of his jersey and goes all the way to the front….

MIDSHIPMEN 23-21

 
Hiram at Eartham
If your name is Hiram…
You are harder than Woodepecker Lips…
It’s a Law…
HIRAM whips EARTHAM’s Ass….

 

MTSU at Louisville
Everytime I see one of these “Alphabet Soup” Schools…
I have the uncontrollable urge to “Buy a Vowel”….
CARDINALS 38-17

Randolph Macon at Emory & Henry
I wish this was Randolph “Bacon”…
Because….
There is nothing like pork products to enhance a Tailgating experience…
I’m Just saying….

Miami (FL) at Duke
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
WHAT?
Have you lost your damn minds?
HURRICANES 33-16

Army at Buffalo
O.K…..
West Point has “won” two weeks in a row….
Which is normally a sign of the coming Apocalypse…
But in his case I believe it means….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 27-24

Marshall at UAB
Here we go with “Alphabet Soup” again…
“Vanna Darling could I buy a Vowel?”

EDITORS NOTE: FACT….
When the above is spoken with a Southern accent…
You automatically win the Grand Prize….
Not that is matters here…

THUNDERING HERD 31-13

 

Stanford at UCLA
Another “BIG GAME” in the PAC 10 this week….
I would watch it too….
But….
“Mr. Potato Head: Behind The Music” is on VH1….
Sorry…
BRUINS 23-21

Michigan at Penn State
The Wolverines “Might” win this game…..
And….
Mrs. Coach Rod “Might” not dress like a ten dollar hooker….

We all know….
Neither of which is possible…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-16

Kansas State at Colorado
My Sister-in-Law “reviewed” the films of her leading the Colorado Team onto the field a few weeks ago…..
She thinks the camera makes the hump on her back look “smaller”….
If only it could do something with that one foot that looks like a hoof…
BUFFALOS 33-28

Arkansas at Kentucky
I can honestly say…..
I have NO Idea who has the advantage here…
Take your pick…
WILDCATS 27-24

Oregon State at Washington
I am not ashamed to say it…..
Damn It…
I Love Beavers!
BEAVERS 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please, No Hate Mail this week from people who think I am being Nasty…
I am just talking about the BEAVERS!

 

Idaho at Louisiana Tech
I think ”Famous Potatoes” are going to get a Cajun Mashing…
DOOLEY’S BULLDOGS 38-10

Mississippi State at Tennessee
I believe Coach Croom’s Dog’s are Hungry…..
and are more than capable….
Of Treeing a Volunteer…
CROOM’S BULLDOGS

Lenoir Rhyne at Carson Newman
If this was LeeAnn Rimes I still think the Eagles would win…
It would just be more fun to watch…
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Occidental at Chapman
Don’t they mean “accidental”?
NOW that makes sense….

Missouri at Texas
Everybody thinks MO’s Tigers will beat the Longhorns…
Just like “THEY” all thought the Sooners would roll the Horns up last week….

HOOK EM….
LONGHORNS 38-34

Virginia Tech at Boston College
IF the Turkeys want to have a chance in this game they better get that Big Ole Wang in the game….
HOKIES 24-23

EDITORS NOTE: What Now? I was talking about Ed WANG….

 

San Jose State at New Mexico State
I think “San Jose” is Spanish for….
I just got my ass Kicked in New Mexico…
AGGIES 34-23

UTEP at Tulsa
What is it with all the Alphabet Soup U’s this week?
TEP-U and Golden Hurricanes too?
Common decency prevents me from commenting on this one…

HURRICANES of GOLD 38-33

Indiana at Illinois
I still haven’t heard back from you folks in Indiana on the name change from “Hoosiers” (Which nobody knows what the hell that is…)

To…”The Gomers!”
With!
Jim Nabors as an Official Sponsor!

How does this sound….
“Here come the Gomers! SHAZAM!”
Just think about it…that’s all I ask

ZOOKS FIGHTN PUMPKINS 34-17

Houston at Southern Methodist
My Poor Ponies have been rode hard and put up wet….
COUGARS 43-24

California at Arizona
I would watch this game but Mike Tyson is going to be on Celebrity Jeopardy…

I hope I get to hear him say…

“I’wa take “People I want to Kill” for 500 Al-wex”….

BEARS 38-24

Air Force at UNLV
Seriously….
What is the Deal with all the Acronym U’s this week?
Next week I am going to combine all the Acronym-Alphabet Schools into one word…
It will be like Scrabble for cool people…
FALCONS 33-31

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It appears that I struck a nerve with a large number of Southern California Trojan Fans with my “Sunday Rewind” article yesterday.

Good….

The funny thing is that out of the nearly eighty emails I received; nobody wanted to challenge my facts concerning the Southern California Football Program….

Instead the Trojan fans resorted to name calling….
For example…..

“Why don’t you just let the Reggie Bush thing go #^&%$? He ain’t done nothing wrong Bro!”

From - TrojanChamps2008

“You sound like a typical southern raciest…USC rocks and you can’t stand it!”

From - SoCalGal2010

EDITORS NOTE: What is it about being from the South that makes yankees and liberal weenies think they have the right to call us ugly names?

“Dude you so out of line, &*^% you! Leave brother Reggie and them Trojans alone!”

From - Tro-Jamal12

 

It seems to me that some Southern California Trojan Football Fans want my undivided attention…..

Congratulations…You got it.

This week, along with the usual College Football Picks..
I will have a “Special” Southern California Trojan Addition…….

Be careful what you wish for….

Now on to this weeks “Monday Morning Quarterback”….

 

SATURDAY QUOTES

“Anybody can have a bad century….”

- Kansas Coach Mark Mangino when asked why the Jayhawks have only recently become a contender in the Big 12 Conference

 

STRANGE FACTS KNOWN BY FEW…..

Slightly off the College Football Subject…..
As you all know from time to time, I like to share deep thoughts of knowledge with my beloved readers….
Pearls of wisdom, if you will…
Enjoy….

A man shouldn’t act tough if he has a Richard Simmons Tattoo on his arm….

If you listen to Phil Collins sing “Sussudio” backwards it will encourage you to kill Michael Jackson…

The “K.C” in K.C. and the Sunshine Band Fame doesn’t stand for “Kansas City”….
Who Knew?

It is impossible to MapQuest “Funky Town”….

EDITORS NOTE: I still believe the above to be in Mississippi…

 

TEAM NEWS

ARIZONA & ARIZONA STATE: I believe you all are all sand and no beach.

EDITORS NOTE: Not quite sure what that is suppose to mean, but it came to me today in a meeting and I thought it sounded profound.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Bad Dogs….

NCAA: Would it be too much to ask as to what the status of the Reggie Bush - Southern California Trojan Investigation is? I mean this thing has been going on for what, three years?

PAC 10 CONFERENCE: See “NCAA” Above…

TEMPLE: My God! I finally pick you idiots and you lose….I don’t normally need any help to be made to look stupid…but thanks.

MARYLAND: It was the threat of the Slim Whitman albums wasn’t it?
No need to thank me…..

SOUTH FLORIDA: When the sun goes down in Raymond James Stadium, I believe the Bulls can beat anybody…..

MICHIGAN: Told you so…..

DUKE: You Beat Navy…and Hell didn’t freeze over….
But it did have one heck of a frost….

GEORGIA: HOW Bout Them DAWGS!

 

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

 

Q: Mike I enjoyed your Sunday piece on the National Media’s “Love Fest” with the Southern California Trojan Football team. Not to overlook the 350 Million Dollar Contract the PAC 10 has with ESPN to broadcast football games..Which you exposed! But do you think the national media is influenced by television sponsorship(s) and commercials?
Thanks!
“Doc” - Odessa, Texas
A: Thanks Doc…Before I answer your email: “How Bout them Mojo’s?”
I wouldn’t disagree with your point concerning the “entire” ESPN-ABC network package covering PAC 10 Football games and the football flagship university of that Conference: The U$C Trojans…

Lucky for my beloved readers that I am above such influence…
For example….
As I was preparing for a day of College Football last Saturday…
I fired up my WEBER Charcoal Grill…
That ALWAYS provides a nice even heat for grilling and smoking…

And I realized I needed more KINGSFORD Charcoal…
The KING of all Charcoal….

So, I got in my beautiful FORD TAURUS….
That provided a smooth comfortable ride to the grocery store (that I cannot yet name until a deal has been reached for a limited sponsorship….)

Came back home and opened an ice cold Budweiser, which as we all should know by now…
IS the KING of Beers….

The Perfect Combinations for a Football Saturday….

 
Q: I know this is a crazy question! But do you like The Three Stooges?
Thanks Mike!
Grayson - Beaufort, South Carolina
A: By “The Three Stooges”; do you mean the ABC College Football Commentator Trio of Bob Griese, Brad Nessler and Paul McGuire?
Then “NO”…
But if you are referring to Larry, Moe and Curley…then “YES”

Q: Mike I lost a bet at work, so I have to ask you.
Is there a reason why they always show Brent Musburger from the waist up?
Charlie - Richmond, Virginia
A: Yes there is a good reason Charlie…
College Football is a family program…

So the Network is trying to prevent the audience from noticing that Brent Musburger is in fact…
A Syphilitic Liver spotted Hermaphrodite troll….

Hope that helped…..

 

Stay Tuned…..More later in the Week.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

I wanted to take a moment in the wake of the national sports media’s “Love Fest” with the Unive$ity of $outhern California Trojan$ to bring some common sense to the College Football Weekend, that was…

Has the National Sports Media gone mad?
Jim Jones and his family drinking the cool-aide made as much sense as anything I have heard over the last 24 hours concerning the “Greatness” of the Southern California Trojans…
But it didn’t stop there either did it?

“The PAC 10 is the “Toughest” Conference in ALL of College Football”

- Craig James and John Saunders “Hosts” of ABC College Football…

EDITORS NOTE: REALLY?  

Baylor 45
Washington State 17

Maryland 35
California 27

Texas Christian University 31
Stanford 14

Brigham Young 59
UCLA 0

Oklahoma 55
Washington 14

New Mexico 36
Arizona 28

UNLV 23
Arizona State 20

 

“Mark Sanchez IS the NUMBER One Heisman Candidate, without question!”

- Kirt Herbstreit, ABC College Football Commentator / Analyst

EDITORS NOTE: Really? After playing only TWO Games?

 

“Folks the Southern California Trojans WILL be in the National Championship Game, the ONLY question that remains, is Who will be their opponent!”

- Brent Musburger, ABC College Football Commentator / Analyst

EDITORS NOTE: Around my house Brent is “Also” known as the syphilitic liver spotted jackass…..
Just in case anyone was wondering….

 

You want to know something interesting about all this hype?

Do you know what “Wasn’t Mentioned” about the Southern California Trojan$ from the time college football coverage began Saturday Morning at nine O’clock A.M. Central Standard Time until after eleven O’clock P.M. Central Standard time….

Not a word…….
Not a mention by a single College Football Commentator or Analyst about the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California.

Not so much as a whisper…….
About an Investigation that COULD result in Reggie Bush losing his Heisman Trophy and the Southern California Trojans forfeiting one National Championship as well over twenty wins from the “Official” NCAA Record books…
After all….
Some Football Programs have been punished far worse with less evidence…..

Soooo something this important wasn’t worth mentioning?
Really?

And…….

Not a comment from a single commentator…
About the “Illegal” recruitment of Joe McKnight by Coach Pete Carroll and New Orlean Saint Reggie Bush..

Why do I say it was “Illegal”?
Because the NCAA said it was….

After Coach Carroll and Reggie Bush denied they called then High School Senior Joe McKnight, then admitted that they did…Then Reggie Didn’t….Then Coach Carroll..”Might have”….

You get the picture….

The NCAA told the Trojans to “knock it off” but ALLOWED the recruitment of McKnight by Carroll and the Trojans anyway…

The Usual punishment by the NCAA for such an offense?
The NCAA will disallow the recruitment of that particular athlete and possibly a loss of scholarships in the future…
Not so for the University of the Second Coming….

These two “little” examples make you think don’t they?
Especially if you are from….

The University of Kentucky
Auburn University
Mississippi State University
The University of Alabama
Clemson University

Just to name a few…..

So while you are drinking the Trojan Cool-aide this morning…
Just remember…..

If you were in the South…..
You would be on probation by now….
Lost scholarships….
Forfeited wins….
NOT being shown on television…
And don’t even thinking about a Bowl Game…for the next four years.
You would be called Cheaters….and worse.

 

But after watching the two or three games that have been completed thus far this season, to include the “BIG GAME” on ABC last night… 
I know three things…

1. Ohio State isn’t that bad…
2. Southern California isn’t that good….
3. There is still a lot of football left to be played…

Enjoy Your Sunday…

RTR
MEB

-