Thanksgiving is right around the corner….
And that means one thing…

The next three weeks the fiercest rivalries in all of college football will be played.

There will be Egg Bowls and Apple Cups…

Civil Wars and Good Ole Fashioned Hate

There will be Iron wills and Iron Bowls….

Just thinking about it….
Can make your stomach queasier than Aunt Edna’s five bean casserole
Where are my Tums?

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Much like Elvis and Richard Petty, it’s good to be the King.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather astounding 46 and 10 last week or 82%.
This leaves me at 504 and 120 or 81% for the season.
But just for the record…
“NO” I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns…

EMAIL LETTER(S) OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
You sir, espouse to be a southern gentlemen and are a self ascribed expert in all things southern.
So I have question that my family and I are in hopes you can help us with.
Upon moving to the “south” from up north, specifically Springfield Illinois, we were appalled at how prejudiced everyone is in the south.

People in our new neighborhood laughed at me when I put our mailbox up with our name on it!
And some kids drove by and told me to “get the hell out of the neighborhood!”

My wife and I went to a local church and someone there pointed at my name on my visitors “Hello My Name Is” tag
and that person told me “We don’t mind you coming to church here, but there better not be any funny business going on in the back pews”.
I have never been so shocked and appalled in all my life!
So I ask you sir, why would people in such a “friendly southern town” react in such a harsh way to strangers from the north!
Is it the way we look, is it the way we talk or is there something wrong with our name?
I ask you?
Moe and Ima Queer, Rome, Georgia

A: Seriously….
“MOE and IMA QUEER”
You are the Queer Family?
I think I just whizzed on myself…

Q: Sir,
We are avid readers of your web site and were wondering if you could do us a favor.
You see, we are producers and directors of adult “art” films.
Just want you to know that even the Supreme Court ruled that our movies were NOT pornography, but art.
So, what we would like to know is if you have some kind of copyright or trademark claim on the title “Pirates and Blue Ho’s”
because we were thinking it would make a GREAT title for our next production.
It would be a classic retelling of rather amorous Pirates pillaging a Connecticut village of Democrats and the subsequent sexual escapades.
It’s pure genius.
Sincerely
The Dark Bros.
Burbank, Ca.

A: Now, the emails are just getting creepy..

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Now everybody has done heard about that Fig Newton kid from Auburn….
And what’s them Auburn fans a saying?
Why that boy’s daddy’s a preacher he didn’t take no money or ask for nothing!
Cause he’s a Preacher!
Well let me tell you something about that….
My wife Sassy and I have been married for 53 years and we have been going to the same church here in Opp Alabama since we known one another….
And during that whole time up until last Sunday they pass the plate for the “Building Fund” and they hadn’t bought so much as a new door knob since we been there.
But the Preacher drives a new Cadillac…
So don’t be telling me cause a man claims to be a preacher he won’t take something that don’t belong to him”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend, see you soon…

THE PICKS

Thursday November 18th

Georgia State at Alabama
“coach” Bill Curry asked for this game…..
The lesson to be learned here…
Be Careful what you ask for….
CRIMSON TIDE 43-10

UCLA at Washington
Where is Coach James when you need him….
BRUINS 24-21

Air Force at UNLV
Last time I was in Vegas I lost some money at the tables…
And I wanted to bomb the town myself…
This Saturday I get my revenge..
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-17

Friday November 19th

Fresno State at Boise State
Wow…….
Another tough opponent for the Smurf Turf Boys….
What? The Taxidermy Academy isn’t available on Friday Night?
BRONCOS 113-3

Saturday November 20th

Purdue at Michigan State
As you might have guessed….
This Big Ten game is played for a “trophy”
It looks like a monkey playing an accordion…
Which is creepy…
SPARTANS 34-20

Penn State at Indiana
Hoosier? As in Hoosier Daddy?
That would be Joe Pa……
JOE’S LIONS 33-24

West Virginia at Louisville
There was a time this game decided the Big East Championship…
This isn’t the time…
STRONGER CARDINALS 33-31

Troy at South Carolina
Two things I know about this game….
The Gamecocks are going to Atlanta….
And Troy is going to get his ass whipped..
GAMECOCKS 38-10

North Carolina State at North Carolina
This instate Tobacco Road rivalry is called…
“The North Carolina – North Carolina State Rivalry”
You have to admit…
The name is descriptive
PACK OF WOLVES 34-31

Virginia at Boston College
It’s tough to win on Chestnut Hill…..
This game will prove my point..
CHESTNUT EAGLES 33-17

Oklahoma State at Kansas
The Prairie Wind blows into Kansas and touches Dorothy and Toto in naughty places.
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Wisconsin at Michigan
This Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Decoupage Cheese of Doom”
I heard it smells a lot like Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
After it’s been in the sun for ten days…
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21

Yale at Harvard
This a HUGE game in the Ivy League….
Which is another reason why nobody cares….
Seriously nobody cares

Pittsburgh at South Florida
Most people would tell you the Panthers have this game in the bag..
I’m not most people
NO BULL 24-21

Appalachian State at Florida
The Gator Nation is depressed over the 2010 season….
This game will make you all feel better
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

East Carolina at Rice
Rice gets caked by the Pirates…
Believe it
PIRATES 31-17

Duke at Georgia Tech
The Blue Devils will be far too distracted….
by the heavenly smells drifting across the field from the home of the world’s greatest chili dogs…
The Varsity….
To put up much of a fight…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-24

Chattanooga at Wofford
I don’t know if “Wofford” was named after Chewbacca’s kid…
Or is it a pesky variation of the Whopping Cough…
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Citadel at Samford
The boys from the Military College of South Carolina…
Lay a Carolina Butt Whipping on Fred and Lamont…
Believe it
BULLDOGS 38-10

Montana State at Montana
This hate filled instate battle in Big Sky Country is called….
“The Brawl of the Wild” and it is played for The Great Divide Trophy
This game is “hate thy neighbor” at its finest
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-24

UTEP at Tulsa
The winner of this game has a shot at the “Vienna Sausage Bowl” in Valdosta Georgia
Yeah, it’s that important
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-34

Colorado State at Wyoming
The Cowboys might win this game…
And Janet Reno “might” be a woman…
RAM TOUGH 33-17

Kansas State at Colorado
The Buffalos will win one for their coach who shouldn’t have been hired in the first place
BUFFALOS 28-24

Clemson at Wake Forest
Have faith My Tiger Faithful…..
DABO’S TIGERS 28-17

Kent State at Western Michigan
“Golden Flashes and Bronco’s”….
Makes me think Grandpa got naked and jumped on the horse and is headed to town..
GOLDEN FLASHES 24-21

Weber State at Texas Tech
The Boys from the Grilling College gets smoked in Lubbock…
Which just so happens to be the Home of Buddy Holly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 48-10

Marshall at Southern Methodist
I have mixed emotions in this game….
I love the Thundering Herd…
But I am a Mustang Man…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Illinois at Northwestern
This instate battle in the land of Lincoln….
Is played each year for the “Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
As opposed to the “Diet Light Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”….
It has all the flavor of the regular Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, but less calories…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-31

Ole Miss at LSU
That foam rubber bear that is supposed to somehow be a “Rebel”….
Get’s his ass eaten alive by Big Mike the Tiger…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

Arkansas State at Navy
This game is going to be uglier than an orangutan in a prom dress…
MIDSHIPMEN 53-10

Central Florida at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a lime green trickle by the time this one is over..
KNIGHTS OF GOLD 44-14

Florida Atlantic at Texas
As God as my witness……
They better not lose this one…
LONGHORNS 34-17

Ohio State at Iowa
This game will be for the Big Ten Title..
Just like I said it would be..
No Need to thank me.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-24

Stanford at California
In California….
They call this “The Big Game” and it’s played for the Stanford Ax
Which basically means nobody outside California gives a crap
CARDINAL 6-3

Virginia Tech at Miami
It’s too close to Thanksgiving not to pick the Fighting Turkeys
That’s how I roll
HOKEY POKEY 34-28

Memphis at UAB
I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building…
BLAZERS 38-17

New Mexico State at Nevada
I hate to think about Pistol Pete getting devoured by a pack of hungry wolves
It reminds me of an episode of “When Animals Attack”
PACK OF WOLVES 43-20

New Mexico at Brigham Young
The cougars deliver a low blow to the lobos like a hobo on a yo-yo..
(I can do this all day …)
COUGARS 43-10

Connecticut at Syracuse
I cannot believe I am writing this…
OTTO the ORANGE 31-24

Army at Notre Dame
This game will be played in Yankee Stadium….
As God intended it to be…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-28

Arkansas at Mississippi State
Hawgs and Dogs……
I love that German Ice Cream….
HAWGS 34-24

Missouri at Iowa State
This Big 12 Rivalry is played for the…..
“Telephone Trophy”
Yes, I’m serious…
MO’S TIGERS 34-31

Tennessee at Vanderbilt
This instate “rivalry” in the Volunteer State is played for the…
“Petrified Possum Trophy”…
Honestly…
It looks eerily similar to Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
VOWELS 38-17

Rutgers at Cincinnati
In this Big East Battle….
I will go with the boys from Chili Town…
KATS of BEAR 28-21

Nebraska at Texas A&M
This game will be too close for comfort for the Children of the Corn
MIGHTY HUSKERS 28-24

Oklahoma at Baylor
This game will be closer than you might think….
A Lot closer..
BOOMER SOONER 31-28

Florida State at Maryland
The Seminoles are finding ways to win and the Turtlemen are finding ways to lose…
It’s just that simple
NOLES 33-24

Southern California at Oregon State
Some people might think..
I would make an off-color joke about “Trojans and Beavers……”,
But I am better than that….
At least this week I am better than that…
LAME CHEATERS 5-3

Houston at Southern Miss
The cougars are playing more like Sylvester the Cat…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

Utah at San Diego State
So these two Utes were making fun of this ancient Aztecs butt floss…
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 34-24

San Jose State at Hawaii
Jose? As in “San Jose”…..
I think Dog the Bounty Hunter arrested him on the last episode…
Which can be seen on the A&E Channel on Wednesday nights…
Check your local listings for times in your area
WARRIORS electric sliding across RAINBOWS 38-10

Enjoy Your Games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

There are a lot of things that don’t make sense to me; say like the NCAA dragging its feet on the investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California and cheese logs.

I don’t understand how the Weather Channel can “predict” a dozen major hurricanes this year, but can’t tell me if it’s going to rain in the morning.

Why is there an Amish Outlet?
Are the Amish producing so many goods that they need a place to sell the excess?
And how much stuff can you move in a buggy anyway?

Why is there a store that sells “Irregular” clothing?
Do I really want to save ten dollars on a pair of jeans only to have to explain to my friends why one leg of my pants is eight inches higher than the other and why my zipper is located on my hip?

I recently saw a billboard on the way to my wife’s family reunion that said, “Grandpa’s House of Meat and Cheese” and then at the bottom of the sign it said, “Come on in and check out Grandpa’s Meat!”
Am I the only person that thinks that is funny as hell and a little disgusting?

Do people in this country really think that having a “Talent” constitutes setting off twenty dollars worth of firecrackers in your pants while you play the ukulele?

I know, sometimes I think too much, but just don’t get me started on cheese logs.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, do you know the orgin of why they call Youngstown State the Penguins?
Thanks!
Jeremy – Zanesville, Ohio
A: Because the university is located ten miles form the artic circle Jeremy.

Q: Mike, I was shopping for my wife’s birthday and was looking at purchasing a UT (Tennessee) version of the game Monopoly and was wondering if you knew the diffrence between this version and the regular Monopoly game?
Tommy – Jackson, Tennessee
A: Glad you asked Tommy. The Tennessee version of Monopoly has a variety of different twists but the most noticeable is that not only does the Tennessee football player end up in jail and cannot collect two hundred dollars, but he also has to wait for Phil Fulmer’s lawyer to bail him out.

Q: As a Professor of Philosophy at a Major Ivy League Institution, I feel that I am qualified to comment on your latest rant forbidding children to choose their favorite teams in sports. Simply put; we should let them choose to stimulate their creativity and develop self worth in their decision making process. I hope this helped you understand how we “do things up north.”
Dr. R. Moran – Cambridge, Massachusetts.
A: Admit it Doc, you heard these words a lot growing up….
“Hand over your lunch money”

Q: Mike, I have a confession to make. I am a life long Alabama Fan, but yesterday while I was at work I “Kind of” flirted with this young lady that is a recent Auburn graduate.
What should I do?
Warren – Cottondale, Alabama
A: Say Thirty “Hail Bryants” and go back to work and behave yourself.

Q: Mike is the mascot at the University of Nebraska, “Husker Boy” real or is that a student in a costume? That boy has got the biggest head I have ever seen on a human being!
Shirley – Texarkana, Arkansas
A: Unfortunately Shirley that is NOT a student in a costume, but he doesn’t have the largest head of all the mammals. That distinction belongs to Wynonna Judd.

Q: You were a little hard on the new Georgia State head football coach in a previous post. Are we to understand that you really don’t think Bill Curry is a very good football coach?
Debbie – Atlanta, Georgia
A: Bill Curry is to Coaching what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

Q: What is the craziest thing you have seen during this off season?
Todd – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: “I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic’s; his hair was perfect.”

EDITORS NOTE: My Thanks to Warren Zevon for the above answer.

Q: Mike, how are the football players at the University of Tennessee going to stay academically eligible without the “Minor in Dance” classes?
Julie – Gainesville, Florida
A: Thank goodness they still have the “Walking Classes” or they might be in real trouble. But I have on good authority that the “new” curriculum for freshman football players at Tennessee will include two classes from the Agriculture Department.
The Armadillo: Possum on the Half Shell or Natures Little Tank?
Okra: Hairy vegetable or Natures Bore Brush?

Q: Mike I know that you have discussed this before, but I have to ask which university do you think has the worse mascot in all of collegiate sports?
Sorry if this is a repeat question! Thanks!
Kim – Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: There are a number of worthy candidates for that award Kim, but I would have to say that the Evergreen State Geoduck wins the award for the worst mascot.
It looks like a foam rubber turd with legs, see for yourself.

Enjoy your Fourth of July and remember we are only 56 days away from Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

It would appear from the number of emails I received after my last post that I hit a nerve with some football fans of “anything” California. It is also apparent that I have offended a large number of northern football fans living near the artic circle. I am assuming they read my post when they weren’t chewing whale blubber.

Before we go any further let me take a moment to bring a silver lining to this discussion and clear up any misunderstanding.

For the folks who reside near the artic circle that were offended by my last post; look on the bright side.
You may not be very good in the world of college football, but you still have the winter Olympics!
Curling! YES!

To my “Highly Offended” football fans from California let me simplify this argument for you.

We are different.

You think you have all the answers.

We Know you don’t.

When one of our players is accused of accepting money from a Booster or one of our universities undergoes an NCAA inquisition you say we have a “Plantation Mentality.”

When one of your players has been paid by a Booster or your university undergoes an NCAA investigation you say “the system is flawed.”

Certainly there are other differences as well.

We know the “Real” Death Valley isn’t in the desert…

To us the Third Saturday in October means something special….

We know that Ninety Thousand people will fit into a Swamp…

We know that Bo still Knows….

We Know that Hershal is a stallion and Earl is a Longhorn..

We Invented tailgating….
EDITORS NOTE: Not to be confused with the same term and or activity used in and around the San Francisco bay area.

Most of OUR mascots can and will hurt you if given the chance…

I hope this helped.

Before I forget, Hootie Snitch will return next week as he is still trying to sober up from his trip to the South Carolina Cooter Festival. Before you even ask, yes I am serious.
http://www.cooterfest.com/

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

GEORGIA STATE: I will try and write this particular piece again without breaking into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Georgia State has started a football program and named Bill Curry as their Head Coach.

Yes, That Bill Curry

There is Good news and Bad news here folks.

The Bad News is that Georgia State hired Bill Curry as their Head Coach.
The Good News is the rest of us won’t have to listen to his winy “know it all” ass cry on television anymore about how the Alabama fans never embraced him at the Capstone.

OPERATION MORALE: Recently a number of college football coaches traveled across Southwest Asia on “Operation Morale” to visit with our tropps and to thank them for their sacrifice and service. Notable Coaches on the tour included Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis, Mark Richt of Georgia, Miami Hurricane Coach randy Sahnnon and Tommy Tubberville of Auburn.

Thank you to all the coaches; those boys and girls really appreciated it.

EDITORS NOTE: Despite the fact a number of reported terrorist seemed to “disappear” in Baghdad, there is no truth to the rumor that Charlie Weis ingested any Al-Qaeda operatives while he was in Iraq.

Also the rumors circulating that Tommy Tubberville’s ears were used to listen to conversations in the distant caves of Afghanistan are completely false. Everyone knows his ears only have an estimated sensitive hearing radius (ESHR) of five hundred miles.

GEORGIA: It’s a sad day between the hedges.

John Rauch, the former Bulldog quarterback and Oakland Raider Head Coach in Super Bowl II died at his home in Oldsmar Florida. he was 80 years old.

Rauch became a four year starter for the Bulldogs from 1945 to 1948 and he was the first player in college football history to start in four consecutive bowl games. Het set the NCAA record with 4,044 career passing yards while leading the Georgia Bulldogs to a 36-8-1 record and two consecutive Southeastern Conference Championships.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Hokie’s prized recruit who led Amherst High School to consecutive Group AA State Championships and was voted the Associated Press Virginia Player of the Year is facing felony drug charges.

Peter Rose, the first team quarterback and AP Group AA Player of the Year in 2007, was charged with two counts of distribution of drugs within 1,000 feet of a school.

Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden was reported to have said concerning the arrest: ” If he would have signed with us we would have provided him with bail money and a decent attorney.”

TENNESSEE: This past week, University of Tennessee President John Petersen announced that a number of academic programs will be eliminated in order to cover the reported 11 million dollar shortfall in the university budget.

One program that will be eliminated is the minor in dance curriculum.
No word yet on how this will effect the academic standing of the football team.

EDITORS NOTE: Thank God they STILL have the Walking classes for the football players or none of them would be eligible.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Believe it or not, the investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush is still “ongoing.” Ole Reggie’s attorneys are working overtime to prevent the lawsuit from his “former” sports agent Lloyd Lake from being conducted in a public forum.
Currently the lawsuit has been delayed as Reggie’s attorneys have reserved an 11 July court date to argue a motion to compel arbitration and want the case stayed until that motion is heard.
If the case is stayed and moved out of court, it would cut off potential court-related evidence available to the NCAA, which as we all know is “investigating” whether Bush and his family recevied impermissible benefits from Lake and his former business partner Michael Michaels.

Bush and the Trojans don’t act like they are innocent, do they?

EDITORS NOTE: Whatever happened to the NCAA finding a team or individual guilty on circumstantial evidence?

NCAA: Hey Matlock, have you found Reggie Bush’s parents house yet?

Only 70 days until Kickoff…….

RTR
MEB