Ladies and Gentlemen -

I know….

But Please Stop.. you are embarrassing me….

Just Because I was THE ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country to Pick the Texas Christian Horned Frog win (Not an “upset”) last night over the “Undefeated” BYU Cougars is no reason for such adulation…..

I am just a simple College Fooball Prognosticating Genius…

Sort of like “Rain Man”…without the stammer…

Enjoy Your Picks!

 

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

TENNESSEE: Did anyone see or hear the pregame “interviews” with selected Tennessee Players before last weeks game with Georgia?

In case you missed it…

Here is a brief review….

Defensive Lineman Robert Ayers from Cilio, South Carolina…

“We Ima Heba Go baaa Too Ratba….I sama geaam!”

Offensive Lineman Anthony Parker from Jonesboro, Georgia….

“GOO da bam an da big ga bubba, do da gema too!”

and Last but not Least….

Quarterback Nick Stephens from Flower Mound, Texas…

“EWUS de see moo to harrr, te gema form tut!”

EDITORS NOTE: I am almost certain they are all “Speech” Majors….

 

TENNESSEE (PART II): Anybody see ALL the Tennessee Volunteer Mascots lined up on the sidelines last weekend in Georgia?
It looked like the cast from “Alice in Wonderland”….
There was a Mountain Man….yet they aren’t the “Mountaineers”
and they aren’t the “David Crockett’s”….
or even the “Crockett’ers”…

EDITORS NOTE: I think the “Crockett’ers” sounds like an Old Peoples Dancing Club…

 
THEN….
There was the student in the Dog Costume…
and they aren’t the “Dogs”…
or the “Dawgs”…
Or even the “Huckleberry Hounds”…

EDITORS NOTE: Although that is a thought….

 

Then there is the “Real” Blue Tick Hound…
Yet…
We already covered the “Canine” topic haven’t we?

Did you see the student in the “Orange” Costume?
I know they have a lot of “Fruits” in Tennessee…
But “Oranges”?

 

TENNESSEE (PART III): I am still waiting to hear from my Tennessee Vol fans on the Trivia question….
 ”Who was the Last Quarterback to Start for the Vols from the state of Tennessee…?”

Don’t worry….

I’ll wait….

 

AUBURN: First the “Good News”….

Coach Tubberville fired “Himself” this week after calling what he described as a horrible game last week with Arkansas…

Now the “Bad News”….

Coach Tubberville then hired “Himself” back with a 6 million dollar buy-out clause…

 

OKLAHOMA STATE: You boys damn sure Cowboy’d Up!
Congratulations on a GREAT Win….

OLE MISS: I have a “Safety Tip” for any Rebel Fans planning on making the trip to “T” Town this weekend…
“IF” any of you Rebel Fans that threw bottles (and yes even shoes..)..and spit on our players after last years game in Oxford attempt the same stunt again this year…

YOU will not get out of T-Town in the same shape you arrived….

That’s a promise…

 

COMMERCIALS: What the Hell is wrong with the folks from Pizza Hut?

A commercial that shows a Father ”showing” his son how to eat a slice of pizza?

We are not interested in the “Further Adventures of the Wussy Family”…

 

AP and USA TODAY POLLS: SOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo
The Southern California Trojans are Number #6 in one poll…
and…
Number # 8 in another poll?

I am sorry, I can’t seem to remember…
Who have they played to “GET BACK” into the Top Ten?

Nobody….
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

The Ohio State Buckeyes lost to (by the national media accounts) “The Best Team EVER”…

Yet they can’t get back into the Top Ten….

Why?
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

 

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: YOU still aren’t on probation? Really?

Who did you have for NCAA Investigatiors, O.J.’s “First” jury?

 

NCAA: You know what’s coming now right?

“So where is the Investigation into Reggie Bu$h and the $outhern California Trojan$?”

We are still waiting….

 

ESPN: If you were watching the Texas - Oklahoma game: Then you heard the worse, most uncomfortable conversation of all time during a broadcast college football game between Brent Musberger and Kirt Herbstreit….

KIRT: I love the atmosphere of this game with the Texas State Fair right outside the Cotton Bowl..

BRENT: Isn’t that the Texas Ferris Wheel in the distance?

KIRT: Let me see..I am reading from the Texas State Fair Guide..
The Texas State Ferris Wheel is one of the largest free standing Ferris Wheels in the World at Over 200 plus feet tall…

BRENT: What do you say you and I take a ride on that after the game?

KIRT: What? No, that’s alright……
Looks like Oklahoma is ready to take the field after the time-out…

BRENT: We could relax on the wheel and forget about the troubles on Wall Street and see the lights of Dallas from up there….

KIRT: No, that’s alright Brent I’ll pass….

EDITORS NOTE: Just when you think Brent Musburger couldn’t get any creeper….
He wants to get all “Mister McFeely” with Kirt Herbstreit…..

 

ESPN (PART II): Thanks so much for adding “another” studio analyst to an already crowded lineup…

Todd McShay..”Director of College Scouting”

Are YOU Kidding me?

Call him what he is…..

Another..
“Master of the Obvious”…

 

CLEMSON: Although about FOUR years too late to suit me….

YOU made the right decision…

It’s time to get a REAL Football Coach for the Tigers….

One is on the way…
Believe me…

 

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, could you start picking some other “smaller” schools in the northeast?
Think about it!
Ben - Dover, Delaware
A: O My Gosh….
ARE you KIDDING Me!
“BEN DOVER”?
I may have peed on myself….

Q: Mike, I know this is not your normal subject matter…
 But what do you know about today’s ”so-called”… ”Energy Drinks”?
Are they harmful?
Thanks!
Molly - Fort Smith, Arkansas
A: Molly you came to the right place…
“Little Known” fact  we folks in the South have known for years…
Mountain Dew is the “Orginal” Energy Drink…
You don’t think so?
If you drink Mountain Dew for breakfast for four years you can’t donate blood..
Enough said…

Q: I want to thank Hootie Snitch for the smoking hot picture of that “girl” he got arrested with!
Bunch of us done downloaded the picture and got it blowed up!
It’s hanging in the work shed right now!
Skeeter - Dandridge, Tennessee
A: See the below email…

Q: DAMN! Where in the Hell did Hootie Snich find that GOOD Looking Gal?
LORDY I done copied that picture and sent it to all my friends!
Hot damn, I am still all lathered up over that picture!
War Eagle!
Chip - Loachapoka, Alabama
A: It’s nice to know that Hootie has “Interstate” appeal…

Q: Helloo! I want you to know that I enjoy your article!
I read each week!
You inspire me to follow my dreams!
I inspire to be the FIRST Asian Ghost Buster!
YES!
So I go back to Hong Kong and follow my dream!
Chang - San Francisco, California
(Hong Kong!)
A: SOOOooooooooooooooooo
Who you gonna Crawl?

 

THE GAMES

Saturday October 18th

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
If you have children in the room when this game is on…
Please, send them out to play…
This is going to be really ugly…
As in my Sister-in-Law in a string bikini ugly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-17

Vanderbilt at Georgia
On paper this looks like a really close game…
But Football isn’t played on paper…
HOW Bout Them DAWGS!
DAWGS 28-17

LSU at South Carolina
Please see “Texas Tech at Texas A&M” for a graphic description of this game…
FIGHT’N TIGERS 31-14

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the above visuals, but yes…
They will be “That” ugly…

 

Syracuse at South Florida
A team called the “Orange” goes to Florida and gets squeezed…

Coincidence?

I think not…
BULLS 33-10

Kutztown at East Stroudsburg
Is Kutztown close to Funky Town?
Just wondering….

 

Wake Forest at Maryland
I wish I had a shirt that says…
“I Got Crabs in Maryland”…
But sometimes I wish for too much…
NINJA TURTLES 24-21

Purdue at Northwestern
I would watch this game but I have all the symptoms….
That I am getting Disco Fever…
WILLDCATS 24-23

Memphis at East Carolina
I don’t know where either team has been for the past three weeks…
So this is a toss up…
PIRATES 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Skip Holtz has been too busy “Interviewing” for the Clemson job before it even became open….

Because he has….

 

Connecticut at Rutgers
The Jersey (Pronounced: Jeo-seeeeee) Cinderella lost her shoes….
And…..
Mid-Night Powder Blue Eye Shadow…
HUSKIES 27-21 

Georgia Tech at Clemson
Everything says the folks from Carolina won’t win….
But this is about “Pride”….
I am a Believer…
TIGERS 23-21

Frostburg State at Ithaca
You know a school is ten miles from the artic circle when they name it “Frost-burg”…
Or maybe….
This is the school were “Frosted Flakes” was invented…
Never mind..

Wisconsin at Iowa
Will the Mighty Badgers lose four in a row?
Not this year….
Believe in the Power of Cheese……
BADGERS 33-27

Nebraska at Iowa State
Did anybody see the “Black Shirts” take the Red Raiders to Overtime last week?
Enough said…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17

Kansas at Oklahoma
My Choice for the “Last Team on the Planet to Play when they are Mad as Hell”…..

BOOMER SOONERS 34-23

Colorado State at Utah
I really didn’t know which way to go on this one…….
But I just got finished watching “My Cousin Vinnie..”
TWO UTES 33-28

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Have I mentioned that the Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest Medical Schools in the country?
They may need it when this is over….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Southern Miss at Rice
I wish I could take the Golden Eagles in this one….
and I would have…
But you got rid of Coach Bower…
MY FAVORITE PUDDING 24-20

Ole Miss at Alabama
Let’s keep this one simple shall we?
CRIMSON TIDE 27-17

Southern California at Washington State
The cougars couldn’t whip cream……
TROJAN$ 116-0

Ohio State at Michigan State
This is going to be one hell of an old fashion Big Ten..I mean “Eleven” Fight…
Don’t blink….
BUCKEYES 23-20

Westminster at LaGrange College
“Haw..Haw Haw…”
I just couldn’t resist another ZZ Top reference…

North Carolina at Virginia
I think the world of those boys from the Old Dominion…
But…
The Tar Heels are for REAL….
(Just like I told you they were at the begining of the season..)
TAR HEELS 28-17

Pittsburg at Navy
Do you know who I think will have a “Big” day in this game?
The Midshipman Quarterback….
“Kaippo-Nooa KKahheeakku- Ennhhadda”

That poor boy’s name starts at the back of his jersey and goes all the way to the front….

MIDSHIPMEN 23-21

 
Hiram at Eartham
If your name is Hiram…
You are harder than Woodepecker Lips…
It’s a Law…
HIRAM whips EARTHAM’s Ass….

 

MTSU at Louisville
Everytime I see one of these “Alphabet Soup” Schools…
I have the uncontrollable urge to “Buy a Vowel”….
CARDINALS 38-17

Randolph Macon at Emory & Henry
I wish this was Randolph “Bacon”…
Because….
There is nothing like pork products to enhance a Tailgating experience…
I’m Just saying….

Miami (FL) at Duke
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
WHAT?
Have you lost your damn minds?
HURRICANES 33-16

Army at Buffalo
O.K…..
West Point has “won” two weeks in a row….
Which is normally a sign of the coming Apocalypse…
But in his case I believe it means….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 27-24

Marshall at UAB
Here we go with “Alphabet Soup” again…
“Vanna Darling could I buy a Vowel?”

EDITORS NOTE: FACT….
When the above is spoken with a Southern accent…
You automatically win the Grand Prize….
Not that is matters here…

THUNDERING HERD 31-13

 

Stanford at UCLA
Another “BIG GAME” in the PAC 10 this week….
I would watch it too….
But….
“Mr. Potato Head: Behind The Music” is on VH1….
Sorry…
BRUINS 23-21

Michigan at Penn State
The Wolverines “Might” win this game…..
And….
Mrs. Coach Rod “Might” not dress like a ten dollar hooker….

We all know….
Neither of which is possible…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-16

Kansas State at Colorado
My Sister-in-Law “reviewed” the films of her leading the Colorado Team onto the field a few weeks ago…..
She thinks the camera makes the hump on her back look “smaller”….
If only it could do something with that one foot that looks like a hoof…
BUFFALOS 33-28

Arkansas at Kentucky
I can honestly say…..
I have NO Idea who has the advantage here…
Take your pick…
WILDCATS 27-24

Oregon State at Washington
I am not ashamed to say it…..
Damn It…
I Love Beavers!
BEAVERS 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please, No Hate Mail this week from people who think I am being Nasty…
I am just talking about the BEAVERS!

 

Idaho at Louisiana Tech
I think ”Famous Potatoes” are going to get a Cajun Mashing…
DOOLEY’S BULLDOGS 38-10

Mississippi State at Tennessee
I believe Coach Croom’s Dog’s are Hungry…..
and are more than capable….
Of Treeing a Volunteer…
CROOM’S BULLDOGS

Lenoir Rhyne at Carson Newman
If this was LeeAnn Rimes I still think the Eagles would win…
It would just be more fun to watch…
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Occidental at Chapman
Don’t they mean “accidental”?
NOW that makes sense….

Missouri at Texas
Everybody thinks MO’s Tigers will beat the Longhorns…
Just like “THEY” all thought the Sooners would roll the Horns up last week….

HOOK EM….
LONGHORNS 38-34

Virginia Tech at Boston College
IF the Turkeys want to have a chance in this game they better get that Big Ole Wang in the game….
HOKIES 24-23

EDITORS NOTE: What Now? I was talking about Ed WANG….

 

San Jose State at New Mexico State
I think “San Jose” is Spanish for….
I just got my ass Kicked in New Mexico…
AGGIES 34-23

UTEP at Tulsa
What is it with all the Alphabet Soup U’s this week?
TEP-U and Golden Hurricanes too?
Common decency prevents me from commenting on this one…

HURRICANES of GOLD 38-33

Indiana at Illinois
I still haven’t heard back from you folks in Indiana on the name change from “Hoosiers” (Which nobody knows what the hell that is…)

To…”The Gomers!”
With!
Jim Nabors as an Official Sponsor!

How does this sound….
“Here come the Gomers! SHAZAM!”
Just think about it…that’s all I ask

ZOOKS FIGHTN PUMPKINS 34-17

Houston at Southern Methodist
My Poor Ponies have been rode hard and put up wet….
COUGARS 43-24

California at Arizona
I would watch this game but Mike Tyson is going to be on Celebrity Jeopardy…

I hope I get to hear him say…

“I’wa take “People I want to Kill” for 500 Al-wex”….

BEARS 38-24

Air Force at UNLV
Seriously….
What is the Deal with all the Acronym U’s this week?
Next week I am going to combine all the Acronym-Alphabet Schools into one word…
It will be like Scrabble for cool people…
FALCONS 33-31

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Not a bad first week for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.
Some of my loyal readers have called it a “nearly perfect” weekend for me.
Close…..

Tennessee Lost and Alabama Won; the only thing that would have made it better would have been a Loss by the U$C Trojans and a win by the Clemson Tigers.
That being said, I finished the week at 53 and 11 or 83%.
Not a bad first week if I say so myself.

There is a lot to talk about and Your Weekly College Football Picks are Out!
So Let’s get to it.

Enjoy Your Picks!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

HURRICANES: I am thankful that Gustav didn’t hurt my friends and family along the Gulf Coast and I don’t believe Hanna will do much more than bring some much needed rain to my Family in Carolina.
But if your name is “Tina” and you live in the path of Hurricane Ike….Run Like Hell!

TEXAS A&M: Any of you Aggies want R. C. Slocum’s phone number?
I have it right here, if you need it….

TENNESSEE: Those were some really “nice” Orange Sherbert pants you all were wearing for the game in California…Seriously, they didn’t look Gay at All…totally Heterosexual looking; really.

CLEMSON: Stop reading your press clippings on how “Great” you all are and start playing some damn football.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: See “Clemson” Above…. 

OREGON STATE: A Beaver is NOT Suppose to LOSE to a team with a Tree for a mascot..
It’s against the laws of nature!

HAWAII: Despite being blown out by two Southeastern Conference Teams in a row, there is some good news! Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on the A&E Channel every Wednesday Night.

VIRGINIA TECH: As I stated earlier in the week; I believe Hokie Tight End Ed Wang at 6-6 275 pounds to be the largest Wang ever seen in a Hokie uniform.
And before you start emailing me….
I know…
Television adds weight to person…
But that is still a big Wang…

KENTUCKY: You beat Louisville with a quarterback that wasn’t even a quarterback until last week.
Sorry I doubted you BIG BLUE…I won’t make that mistake again.

ESPN: Did anybody see one time Florida Quarterback and current ESPN “commentator” Jesse Palmer last Thursday Night?
Nice “Clip-on” tie…..real classy.

ESPN II: Plenty of “Love” for the Southern California Trojans in all the pre-game chit-chat, but no mention of the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Trojans….I wonder why?
Scared?

ESPN III: The “Sports Network” reported on Saturday that Jo Pa had tied Bobby Bowden with 373 wins after the Lions win over Coastal Carolina.
WRONG…..
Jo Pa has ALWAYS been at Penn State…
Through EVERY win and the occassional loss….

On the other Hand, Bobby Bowden coached “against” Gordon Junior College in the Golden Isle Bowl…
You see Bobby hasn’t ALWAYS Coached a Division I College Football Team…
But, it hasn’t stopped him from counting those wins in his total.

Jo Pa is the winningest Coach in Division I College Football - Period.
Glad I cleared that up for everybody.

THE GAMES

Thursday September 4th

North Alabama at Carson Newman
This game is between two giants of College Football…
Normally I would go with the Lions in this contest..
But I have a feeling…
SPARKS EAGLES 28-24

Nicholls State at New Mexico State
This game may be delayed due to Hurricane Gustav..
Doesn’t Matter…
AGGIES 33-13

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
Susan….You can take this one to the bank.
GAMECOCKS 27-14

Friday September 5th

Navy at Ball State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
CARDINALS 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: Did I mentioned that David Letterman went to school at Ball State?

Saturday September 6th

Ohio at Ohio State
Sorry Coach Frank….this going to be really ugly.  
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Marshall at Wisconsin
The Thundering Herd will keep this one close…for a while.
THE POWER OF CHEESE 38-23

Eastern Illinois at Illinois
I miss the Illinois mascot Chief Illiniwek…
Because if someone with a lisp says it, they spit on themselves.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 44-17

Georgia Tech at Boston College
I would pull for the Yellow Jackets in this one….
But I just can’t…It’s against my religion.
EAGLES 28-24

Eastern Michigan at Michigan State
Nothing but Green and White in this one…
SPARTANS 34-14

Miami (Ohio) at Michigan
Enjoy this game Wolverine Fans…
You won’t enjoy another win for several weeks…
WOLVERINES 31-17

Connecticut at Temple
If Temple wins this game it’s another sign of the coming Apocalypse…
The First Sign?
The “New Kids on the Block” Reunion…
They are the Anti-Christ…
HUSKIES 33-24 

Florida International at Iowa
What’s so “International” about this University?
It kind of sounds like “Phoenix Online” with a marching band.
HAWKEYES 34-21

Southern Miss at Auburn
The Golden Eagles in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear…
WAR EAGLES 23-17

San Jose State at Nebraska
I don’t know much of anything..
But I do know that Jose is going to get a Nebraska Ass Whopping…
HUSKERS 43-20

Furman at Virginia Tech
Furry Man?
Sounds like where Chewbacca went to school…
Or My Sister-in-Law…
HOKIES 27-17

Brigham Young at Washington
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
The Cougars will take down the once mighty Huskies….
Believe it…
COUGARS 31-24

Central Michigan at Georgia
How BOUT them BIG Bad DAWGS!!!!!
UGA VII 34-14 

Cincinnati at Oklahoma
If the Boomer Sooner runs around the stadium after every touchdown…
They are going to need some more ponies…
MIGHTY SOONERS 48-17

The Citadel at Clemson
The Tigers are Mad as Hell….
and that is really bad news for the Bulldogs…
TOMMY’S TIGERS 38-10

Utah State at Oregon
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game…
QUACKS 3-2

Oregon State at Penn State
The Beavers will not be very Happy in Happy Valley….
There are few things as sad as an unhappy beaver…it’s true.
JO PA’S LIONS 33-28

Mississippi at Wake Forest
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt; this week I don’t.
DEMON DEACONS 27-24

Sacramento State at Colorado State
Gosh I wish I cared, I really do.
But I don’t….
RAMS 34-13

Eastern Washington at Colorado
Great NEWS!
My Sister-In-Law will be running out onto the Field as Ralphie the Colorado mascot!!
Do you know what that means?
She has worked two weeks in a row!
BUFFALOS 38-10

San Diego State at Notre Dame
Did you know that ancient Aztec indians used to sacrifice human beings to satisfy the Gods and ensure good luck?
You know what is strange about that?
Because that’s exactly what the Notre Dame Administration is going to do to Coach Charlie if he doesn’t win this game…
FIGHTING IRISH 33-13

Tennessee Tech at Louisville
If the Cardinals lose this game their Coaches will have to go into the Witness Protection Program..
CARDINALS 43-17

Richmond at Virginia
I wish I could pull for Richmond in this one….
But I know the capitol fell to the yankees and the arabs quite a few years ago..
CAVALIERS 31-28

West Virginia at East Carolina
A “New Kids on the Block” Reunion and Temple wins…
All we need now is Skip Holtz to win two weeks in a row and it’s Armageddon.
MOUNTAINEERS 31-17

Texas A&M at New Mexico
Seriously, I really do have R. C. Slocum’s phone number if any Aggies want it…
GIG EM AGGIES 23-21

Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Monkeys are cleaning themselves on the Animal Planet or I would watch this one, really…
PANTHERS 7-6

Western Carolina at Florida State
Nothing says Football Time In Tallahassee, like seeing Coach Bobby in his colored wielding goggles and Viet Cong Hat on the sidelines….
Ahhhh Good Times…..
SEMINOLES 33-10

Norfolk State at Kentucky
I will not doubt the Awesome Power of BLUE Again…
WILDCATS 38-10

William and Mary at North Carolina State
Bill and Mary must be liquored up to schedule this game…
WOLFPACK 27-17

California at Washington State
I would watch this game but, this is the time I have set aside to rearrange my sock drawer.
BEARS 6-3

Southeast Missouri State at Missouri
MO Knows football….
I am just not sure that the Rand McNally MO knows…
MO’S TIGERS 48-10

Louisiana Tech at Kansas
The Bulldogs will keep it close for two quarters….
JAYHAWKS 33-24

South Florida at Central Florida
The Golden Knights are going down…
And that’s No Bull…
BULLS 27-17 

Tulane at Alabama
Even Green Waves will not stop the High Tide….
CRIMSON TIDE 34-14

Kent State at Iowa State
Many of you may not know, but I am on a number of anti-war protestors websites and blogs because of what I have said about Kent State being “The Home of Anti-War Protestors and National Guard Bullet Traps…”
I am so proud of the fact that they hate me…
CYCLONES 31-17

Murray State at Indiana
I wish the Hoosiers would rename their team the “Homers”…
If you saw someone in an Indiana sweatshirt you could ask them if they were Homer-Sexual…
I would never get tired of that…
HOMERS 27-10

Northwestern at Duke
I have a philosophical question for you all….
What if they had a football game and nobody came?
Which just basically described every season of Duke Football for the last twenty years…
WILDCATS 3-2

Northwestern State at Baylor
I always try to pick one game a year that I know (Or hope) Baylor will win…
This is that game…
BEARS 24-10

Tulsa at North Texas
I really don’t want to know what is “So Golden” about their Hurricanes…
It just sounds sooo nasty.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Southeastern Louisiana at Mississippi State
Lions from Hammond get treed by angry Bulldogs; Film at Eleven….
CROOM’S BULLDOGS 31-13

Maryland at Middle Tennessee
Are you going to question the power of the Ninja Turtles?
Shame on you….
FIGHTN TURTLES 24-17

Arkansas at Louisiana Monroe
Monroe is on the tail end of his “Southeastern Conference Beat My Ass and Pay Me” Tour…
RAZORBACKS 28-13

Stephen F. Austin at Texas Christian
A University named after a Hero of Texas…
The Other is Home to Bob Lilly and the Mighty Horned Frogs…
This is a tough call….
HORNED FROGS 24-10 

Houston at Oklahoma State
Cats can’t take the Cowboys in Stillwater…
It’s a rule…
COWBOY UP! 31-23

Montana State at Kansas State
My buddy says everything from Bozeman Sucks…including the damn Bobcats.
I love those Grizzly Fans..
WILDCATS 43-10

Minnesota at Bowling Green
Damn those Golden Gophers…with their Golden Fleece Butt Fur…
I forgot were I was going with this one..
Sorry…
O SOOOO GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-23

Miami (FL) at Florida
The Folks in Miami have Hurricanes…
But the Folks in Gainesville have Superman…
MIGHTY GATORS 24-14

Troy at LSU
I always liked Troy…
But he is in for a Cajun Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10
EDITORS NOTE: Due to Hurricane Damage this game is postponed until November..Then Troy gets his ass whipped.

Rice at Memphis
Which is it going to be?
The King of Rock and Roll…
Or My Favorite Pudding?
Bill Cosby it is….
RICE PUDDING 31-27

Texas State at Southern Methodist
Saturday Night…
In Big D…
Owenby Field…

EDITORS NOTE: I KNOW it’s Ford this and that NOW…But it’s still Owenby Field to ME!

MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17

Texas Tech at Nevada
Get Those Guns UP! 
RED RAIDERS 43-24 

Stanford at Arizona State
If “Tree” wins this game…then the Terrorists win.
Think about it…
SUN DEVILS 24-20

Toledo at Arizona
There is a T.J. Hooker Marathon on Tv Land or I would watch this one..
WILDCATS 6-3

Texas at UTEP
The Mighty Longhorns will dispatch with Alphabet Soup U….
Before you can sing, “The Eyes of Texas are Upon You..”
LONGHORNS 38-17

Weber State at Hawaii
I didn’t know the Company that makes those BBQ Grills had it’s own college?
WARRIORS BALLROOM DANCING ON RAINBOWS 43-0

 

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It’s time for the kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season and your favorite College Football Prognosticator has the answers to the questions you so desperately seek.

Will the Duke Blue Devils have more than a dozen fans at home football games this season?
ANSWER: No, they will not.

Is the theme from “Deliverance” the “official” Fight Song of the University of Tennessee?
ANSWER: Yes…..complete with a shoeless boy and his banjo.

Does Notre Dame have an “outside” shot at the National Championship this year?
ANSWER: They have the same chance of winning the National Championship as the boys from Menudo do of having a reunion tour.

Will some fans be in need of a liver transplant by the end of the season?
ANSWER: Yes, I just hope this year it’s not me….(again)

So, have no fear my friends.
I am here to guide you through the many cheers and tears of the 2008 College Football Season.

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday, August 28th

Northeastern at Ball State
Hey! David Letterman went to Ball State!
In case you were wondering…
That is still no reason to care about this game.
CARDINALS 33-14

Eastern Illinois at Central Michigan
I don’t care what anybody says, I still think “Chippewas” sounds like a fungal infection.
CHIPPEWAS 28-17

Indiana State at Eastern Michigan
Why did Indiana State name their team the “Sycamores”?
Is THAT particular tree suppose to frighten you more than another species of hardwood?
Never Mind…
EAGLES 38-10

Hofstra at Connecticut
I will never understand why a group of yankees decided to name their college after a butt rash.
HUSKIES 43-10

Southwest Missouri Baptist at Southeast Missouri State
My Ole Buddy E.J. Junior Coaches at Southwest and that’s good enough for me.
BEARCATS 33-28

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
I would watch this game but Midgets are Jousting on Pay-Per-View.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-13

Vanderbilt at Miami (Ohio)
Have you ever seen a Palm tree or Orange tree in Ohio?
They are such poseurs….
COMMODORES 24-17

Carson Newman at Concord
Concord as in the grape?
If the Eagles were playing “Boones Farm” I might feel different.
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Eastern Kentucky at Cincinnati
The Colonels will be reduced to Private First Class by the Third Quarter…
BEARKATS 34-13 

Charleston Southern at Miami
Why Charleston Southern you may ask?
Because the Clown College was already scheduled to play Florida State.
HURRICANES 41-6 

Wake Forest at Baylor
There is no truth to the rumor that Jimmy Swaggart will be the Demon Deacon mascot at home games this year. But it hasn’t stopped me from spreading it.
DEMON DEACONS 24-10

South Dakota State at Iowa State
The History of Waffles are on the Food Channel or I would watch this one.
CYCLONES 34-10

Oregon State at Stanford
I will not stoop to making off-color Beaver jokes this early in the season.
When there is always next week…
BEAVERS 24-16

North Carolina State at South Carolina
The Wolfpack have a new coach and a new look on offense…..
GAMECOCKS 27-23

Friday, August 29th

Temple at Army
This game will be like watching old people eat a cheap steak…
At first its funny and then it’s just sad…
BLACK KNIGHTS 3-2

Southern Methodist at Rice
My Once Proud Ponies are for real this year….Believe it.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Saturday, August 30th

Youngstown State at Ohio State
If you think what the folks in Canada do to baby seals is bad…
Then you don’t want to see what the Buckeyes have in store for a bunch of Penguins.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Akron at Wisconsin
What’s with naming a team “The Zips”?
Is that short for Zippers?
What does the announcer say? The Zippers are down in the first quarter…
That is just disgusting…
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 33-13

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
Doesn’t Lou Holtz’s son Coach at East Carolina?
That’s good enough for me…
HOKIES 89-0 

Coastal Carolina at Penn State
Interesting Fact: “Chanticleer” is Latin for, “A prostitute for a university or college athletic department. Willing to get the living hell beat out of you for a payday or paycheck for the university general fund.”
Coincidence? I think not…
JO PA’S LIONS 44-3

Bowling Green at Pittsburgh
I would LOVE to watch this game but the Muppets are re-enacting the Battle of New Orleans on PBS.
PANTHERS 27-17

Syracuse at Northwestern
I don’t care and neither should you.
WILDCATS 3-2

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, nobody cares.

Western Kentucky at Indiana
If this was a basketball game it might actually be worth watching.
It isn’t…….so don’t.
HOOSIERS 24-13

Maine at Iowa
Why? My point exactly…
HAWKEYES 34-10

Georgia Southern at Georgia
I have only four simple words to say about this game…
How Bout Them Dawgs!!!!!
BIG DAWGS 31-14

Hawaii at Florida
I think the Hawaii mascot looks like Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka….
On Meth…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Southern California at Virginia
IF only this game was last year…..It would have been different.
TROJAN$ 43-21

EDITORS NOTE: What ever happened to the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California? Just wondering….

Villianova at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-6

Utah at Michigan
Wolverine fans, I have some good news and some bad news.
The Bad news is that the Utah football team is better than you think..
The Other Bad news is that Coach Rod’s wife is going to “perform” at halftime…
Sorry, I really don’t have any good news…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Oklahoma State at Washington State
I like Coach Gundy. He can damn sure Cowboy up!
COWBOYS 24-20 

Towson at Navy
I have so many questions about this game…
What the hell is a “Towson”?
Why does Navy have a goat as a mascot?
Will William Shatner release an album of Donna Summer songs this year?
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Delaware at Maryland
What is the deal with calling your team the “Fighting Blue Hens”?
It didn’t scare Col. Sanders and it won’t scare the Ninja Turtles…
FIGHTING TERPS 28-23

Tulsa at UAB
I also don’t understand why the folks at University of Alabama - Birmingham named their team the “Blazers” and have a Dragon for a mascot. I have NEVER seen a Dragon in Birmingham Alabama: EVER.
But I did have this blind date once there….Never mind.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Illinois State at Marshall
No Redbird can stand up to a Thundering Herd…
It’s a rule…
THUNDERING HERD 27-10

Appalachian State at LSU
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Sorry, that was last years ASU headline pick…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

McNeese State at North Carolina
I knew a McNeese once…
Jeremy McNeese used to dress up in his grandmothers clothes and light things on fire.
I think he gets out on parole in 2015…never mind.
TAR HEELS 34-14

Texas Christian at New Mexico
Life teaches us many odd lessons…
Like for example, I know a lot of TCU alumni.
Everyone of them is good as gold and a hell of a lot of fun.
I have met two New Mexico graduates recently and both of them are horses asses.   
Enough said…
HORNED FROGS 31-24

Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech
Coach Croom’s Bulldogs are the only REAL Dogs in this fight.
CROOMS DOGS 27-17

Chattanooga at Oklahoma
By the time the folks from Chattanooga hear, “Oooo Say can you see….”
They will down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 54-10

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn
What the hell is Monroe thinking?
WAR EAGLES 38-13

Florida Atlantic at Texas
By the time this one is over Florida will wish they were in the Pacific…
LONGHORNS 34-10

Eastern Washington at Texas Tech
There are few things as enjoyable as a Saturday afternoon in Lubbock…
Have I mentioned that it’s the home of Buddy Holly?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-17

Florida International at Kansas
I think the folks from “International” come to Kansas so they can flaunt their sophistication…
JAYHAWKS 33-17

Western Illinois at Arkansas
This is going to be uglier than Prom Night at the School for the Blind.
RAZORBACKS 54-3

Northern Illinois at Minnesota
Why are Minnesota’s Gophers Golden?
Are they richer than our Gophers?
Does the fact that their Gophers are Golden somehow make them better than us?
I hate arrogant groundhogs…
GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-20

Memphis at Ole Miss
This game is the Battle for the Elvis….
I think the winner gets a Velvet Poster of Elvis…
Before he discovered complex carbohydrates…
REBELS 24-21

Western Michigan at Nebraska
Coach Bo will have the Big Red Machine in High gear for this one…
Believe it…
HUSKERS 38-10

Arkansas State at Texas A&M
The Indians haven’t had this much trouble since the Federal government showed up and said…
“Sign Here”….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-13

Southern University at Houston
The Cougars are Loaded this year….and
Southern has a wonderful Liberal Arts Program…
Enough said…
COUGARS 31-7

Louisiana Lafayette at Southern Miss
Just for the record…
I am STILL upset about Coach Jeff Bowers leaving USM…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-10

North Texas at Kansas State
I would really enjoy watching this game…
 But VH1 is having a “Special” on David Hasselhoff: The Man, The Myth, The Music.
Times like this I wish I had TIVo.
WILDCATS 24-14

Tennessee Martin at South Florida
I think Martin is going to get a South Florida ass whipping…
NO BULL 34-10

Boston College at Kent State
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for a school known for anti-war protesting and National Guard bullet traps…
EAGLES 28-10

Michigan State at California
The Spartans will keep this closer than you might think…a lot closer. 
O’ So Golden Bears 20-17 

Idaho State at Boise State
“Famous Potatoes” gets Mashed…film at Eleven.
BRONCOS 38-7

Illinois at Missouri
MO Knows Football……….
MO’s TIGERS 28-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
What do you get if you win this “Big” instate game?
A cactus and free maid service for a week?
SUN DEVILS 31-14

Washington at Oregon
Where is Coach James when you need him…?
QUACKERS 3-2

Idaho at Arizona
Everytime I hear about Idaho, I remember this girl from High School named Ida.
Never mind….
WILDCATS 20-10

Alabama and Clemson
NO Cream Puff Game Here….
THIS is HOW you start a Season…
Clemson has one of the Very Best Quarterbacks in the Nation…
The Tigers have a returning Offense and Defense that is second to none… 
I Dearly love my adopted Clemson Tiger Family.
You all know who you are….
I wish I was tailgating with you all right now..
Win, Lose or Draw…we are still family.

CRIMSON TIDE 27-24

Sunday, August 31st

Kentucky at Louisville
This game is alot like going to my wife’s family reunion in Eastern Kentucky..
There is bitterness, cussing and fighting….followed by hard feelings.
Never mind. This game is EXACTLY like her family reunion.
CARDINALS 27-23 

Colorado State at Colorado
While I am on the subject of my wife’s family…
Please be sure and watch my sister-in-law “run” onto the field as the Colorado mascot “Ralphie”..
Hey, I am NOT Complaining! We are just glad she is working…
BUFFALOS 31-28

Monday September 1st

Fresno State at Rutgers
If you really care about this game….
Then you probably didn’t have enough to drink during the earlier games..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 23-17

Tennessee at UCLA
This game is like trying to decide who to pull for in a War between Iran and Syria….
VOWELS 31-17

 

Your Weekly Email Q&A and Team News will be presented on Sunday.
Only 5 Days until Kickoff…..

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB