Have I mentioned The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
ARE the College Football National Champions?
I have?
Sorry, it’s been a while for me…

We have a lot to catch up on don’t we?

In fact we have SO much to talk about
This segment will be posted in “two” separate articles, to include your email questions and answers…
So be sure and check back for part two in a couple of days…

But where to begin?

Let’s see….

How about we start with….

How Coach Pete Carroll ran like a scalded dog to the Home of Starbucks……
(I wonder if he is taking his Malibu Co-ed?)
Before the Joe McKnight “scandal” and the Reggie Bush “investigation” caught up with him and the “mediocre” Trojans.

You don’t think that was the reason he split in the middle of the night?

My friends….
Have a seat relax and read on…
This is going to be fun…

Are you comfortable?
Good….
Let me simply say this….

Coach Pete was more than concerned about the Joe McKnight “situation” and down right scared to death of a little something going on in San Diego County.

Why?

Because finally…
Reggie Bush is being sued in “open” court in San Diego by his sports agents while he was at Southern California to recoup losses they suffered when Reggie “breached” his contract with them.

You see…
“New Era Sports” paid for everything for young Reggie while he was at U$C….
I just hope the NCAA “investigators” can find the San Diego court room.
They damn sure couldn’t find Reggie’s Momma’s house all these years with a road map and a GPS.

Speaking of the “mediocre” Southern California Trojan’s….
Remember when ESPN, FOXSports, Lisa Horne and the College Football News all said..
“The USC Trojans will be in the National Championship game…”

That seems really stupid now, doesn’t it?
Almost as stupid as when the same organizations and Miss Horne stated that……
“The PAC 10 is the premier College Football Conference in the country”

EDITORS NOTE: Honestly…..
That still cracks me up……
Seriously Lisa GO to VEGAS you are hilarious!

So Back to Saint Pete…….
So all that rhetoric (and Books..) about loyalty and winning “forever”
Was as fake as the Lips and Boobs on most women (and Men…) in Southern California?
I hate to be the one to say this but…..
I TOLD YOU SO……

No need to thank me

But I do have one little question before we leave the topic of Southern California?
SOooooooooooooooooooooooo………………………
When ANY College or University in the South doesn’t interview a minority candidate for the head coaching position
The Good Reverend Jesse Jackson and his disgruntled minions will “march” and “protest” faster than you can say “We shall Overcome”.

But Southern California can hire Lame Kitten without (By their OWN admission) interviewing any minority candidates
And it’s just “Cool and the Gang” am I right?

EDITORS NOTE: If there is any prejudice in this country…..
It’s against the South…..
I for one am sick and tired of it…

GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS?

So they chased the “Pirate” Coach Leach out of Lubbock?
Because a one time SMU Great and current television commentator’s son didn’t like how he was treated?
I also need to add, the Red Raiders fired the best coach they ever had without reviewing all the facts….and might I also say…….
(Unless I have missed something…)
No one has a right to play college football….
IF you don’t like something about your football program
(Players in Kansas are you listening?)
Then take your little cry baby fanny some placed where losing is fashionable and individual rights and “We are the World” is used as an anthem.

SO Who did the Red Raiders get to lead their proud football program?

The Texas Tech Athletic Department was looking for someone with
“Extensive experience at second tier schools”

And as you all know that was when Tommy “Ears” Tubberville showed up…

I have but this to say to my fine folks in Lubbock (Home of Buddy Holly)
Concerning your recent decisions

Good Luck, you are really going to need it….

MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME

Coach Rich Brooks retired as the Head Coach of the Wildcats………
Turning the reins of the program he revived over to the offensive coordinator Coach Joseph “Joker” Phillips.

Good Hire, good move….

It was time Coach….

For all the Big Blue Wildcat Fans out there let say….
Thanks for the memories…

You’re a class act Coach Brooks….

Good Luck to Coach Phillips too….
You will do just fine Coach…

MEANWHILE ACROSS THE STATE OF KENTUCKY

The Cardinals of Louisville…

EDITORS NOTE: The above is in no way a reference to the Catholic Archdiocese of Louisville’s Softball team…

Hired the right man in Coach Charlie Strong….
The Cardinals will be tougher, more physical and faster than you have ever seen them…
That’s a promise…

And from a pure spectator perspective

The Battle for the Bluegrass just got really serious….

MIGHTY SMU MUSTANGS

I didn’t want us to get away from the college football news without saying…

How about those Mighty Southern Methodist Mustangs winning their Bowl Game?
I am SO proud of those Ponies….
Coach June Jones….
Thank you

TENNESSEE VOLUNTEER FANS

Ah one of my all time favorite topics…

I think it’s time I take the time to answer a question that many a Volunteer fan has asked me over the years.
And that is….
“Why do you make fun of us all the time?”

The answer to this not-so-perplexing question can be found in two places…

One….
A recent headline from the Nashville Tennessean newspaper had this to say….

“UT football reaches a crossroads”
“New Tennessee football coach Derek Dooley promises “class” but can he deliver wins?”

EDITORS NOTE: So having a “Class” program isn’t as important as winning, right?

I hate to be the one to tell you this….
But….
I TOLD YOU SO…

Two….
This is perhaps my favorite of all time…
I simply don’t have the words to explain it…
But it will answer the question of “Why I make fun of Volunteer fans”

This is an article from a semi major newspaper in Tennessee…..
(YES it’s real…)

I am speechless…enjoy.

FROM THE CROSSVILE (TN) CHRONICLE

“Where were you when Kiffin resigned?”

I can remember where I was when Martin Luther King was killed, Elvis died, Reagan was shot, the Space Shuttle blew up and Michael Jackson passed away.
After last week, I can add one more to the list: when Lane Kiffin resigned as coach of the Vols after one season.
Now, if you are reading this, you may wonder why that particular incident would even rank among others.
Well, honestly, if you are ranking them globally, it wouldn’t even be on the charts. But for those of us who are Vol fans, it was one of those moments.

We were actually sitting at a basketball game when the news came across our friend’s phone that Kiffin was leaving the University of Tennessee for Southern Cal. Within minutes, you could hear texts beeping, cells ringing and people talking. I had 15 texts and three phone calls within minutes of his resignation!

Once that news was digested came the speculation of who the new coach would be. That particular school of thought lasted until late last week when UT officials announced that Derek Dooley from Louisiana Tech had accepted the position. But between Kiffin quitting and Dooley accepting, there were an awful lots of songs, texts, emails, etc. mocking Kiffin and company circulating around Big Orange Country. The only person who probably wishes Kiffin had more of a national impact? Tiger Woods!

http://www.crossville-chronicle.com/features/local_story_021162417.html

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously I am speechless…..
More on Lame Kitten and his 66 second resignation speech, his assistant coaches at Tennessee, his “Big Orange” budget, car accident and other misdemeanors later….

I have to re-read the above article again….

COACH DEREK DOOLEY

Have no fear Volunteer fans…
Coach Dooley appears to know his “football” stuff….
Here is a picture of your “new” coach when he was at Louisiana Tech instructing the field goal kicker where to kick the ball for a field goal.

And yet another picture of a drill he used with his players at Tech called….
“Guess what’s on my finger?”

Look at the bright side Volunteer Fans….

He’s not from California..

SOUTH FLORIDA FLIP FLOP

From the here we go again file…
Coach Jim Leavitt of the South Florida Bulls was dismissed as head football coach…
He founded the program….
Started it from scratch…

So another cry baby football player says he was “mistreated” and they fire the coach…

I have but one thing to say for those adults, kids and parents that believe the world revolves around them
and believes there is “fairness” and “justice” and all that horse crap in the world.

There isn’t any…
Life isn’t fair…

There is no real justice in this world, at least not most of the time.

And everybody isn’t equal, sorry.

The kid from South Florida that complained wouldn’t last 15 minutes in Tuscaloosa or Gainesville or Austin, believe it.

Congratulations to Coach Skip Holtz for taking over the Bulls in Tampa
Good Luck Coach…

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,

As Athletic director at the University of Tennessee…
I wanted to let you know that I have made a hire to fill our Head Coaching vacancy.
His name is Derek Dooley and I believe you could best characterize him as a “dream come true.”
He’s a rather slender lad, with brown hair, a quick smile, and medium build.
His penetrating eyes hold your attention as well as his firm hands, and supple buttocks.
I just want you to know that although I, er, we were jilted by the flighty, yet cherubic, Lane Kiffin, the hiring of young Derek was a rather thoughtful affair.
Please wish us luck as we begin a new era at the University of Tennessee.

Michael Hamilton
Athletic Director
University of Tennessee

P.S. I would also like to inform everyone that it is NOT true that I was recently under investigation for trying to solicit young boys in chat rooms.

A: One question Mr. Hamilton….
Are you in anyway related to the lady that wrote the above article
“Where were you when Kiffin resigned?”

Just wondering…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Everybody up here in Volunteer Country nose that you is afraid of the Great Coach Phil Fulmer!
So’s what did you think when you heard that Coach Phil Fulmer was
“standing up for the University of Tennessee” and help finding them a good football coach?
Amos – Pikeville, Tennessee

A: Amos the first thing I thought of when I heard Coach Phil Fulmer was “Standing up”

Somebody needs to alert Tokyo…

Q: Dear Sir
I’m just as proud as a peacock today!!!
My beloved University of Georgia Bulldawgs just got the a new Coach for the defense!!
His name is Coach Grantham and he hails from the Dallas Cowboys!!! Man!!!
I almost wet my pants when I heard that.
This is especially good news cause our Head Coach, Mr Mark Richt, was starting to have a complex.
See, he went out and tried to get him two or three other fellas to come over and coach our defensive fellas and they all said “no way, Jose.”
But, he did think he had that Smart fella from Alabama.
Some of neighbors down here did too.
Heck, they was so sure that the Smart guy was coming to Athens that they told me to go up to Tuscaloosa and sit in the airport and wait for that guy to come in to catch a plane to Athens and call them when he did.
See, they were going to give him a can of peaches and a sack boiled peanuts for a welcome gift.

Well, that Smart guy ended up not coming after all.
Can’t understand why. You know, winning a National Championship aint all that big anyway. Just asked Coach Richt.
Well, I gotta go. Make sure you watch my beloved Bulldawgs next year!!!
They might beat Flarda now that Tebows gone and Coach Meyers all depressed!!!
Yeeee-Hawwwww!!!

Lemual in Ludowici

A: Lemual…..I can’t believe Coach Smart didn’t go for the “Can of Peaches and a sack of Boiled Peanuts” as an enticement to come to Athens…
But your unbridled enthusiasm is infectious…

Q: Mister Wizard I just have to ask….
What was the greatest sound you heard after the National Championship game?
Was it “The University of Alabama are the National Champions?”
Ricky – Cottondale, Alabama

A: I really enjoyed hearing that Ricky…
It’s been a long time..

But perhaps what I enjoyed as much as hearing those words was hearing…..
Myles Brand screaming from Hell…..
“NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Q: Dear Sir –
After reviewing articles you have written this college football season…
It is my duty to formally inform you that you are being investigated as an out of control booster
for the University of Alabama for your derisive and inflammatory comments about other member institutions and the highly regarded NCAA.
You have continuously and incessantly called for member institutions to “secede” from the NCAA…
You have been highly critical of the highly regarded coach of the University of Southern California Trojans, Pete Carroll…
and you have made derisive comments about everyone from the recently deceased President Myles Brandt, to the National Collegiate Athletic Association itself.
We feel that your obviously divisive views are a threat to this institution and it’s grand master plan of having USC, Notre Dame, or Ohio State win a National Championship.
Also, with our obvious due diligence of all southern universities, it is apparent that with you being a University of Alabama alumni and former athletic participant there…..
our plan will be to place the University of Alabama on probation, strip it of it’s recent national Championship, and restore the order of our grand master plan.
We will follow this notification with specific just and unbiased charges against you and your website within ten days

Respectfully,
Dr. James Isch
Interim President
NCAA

A: Before you make that decision Jimmy ..
Let me inform you the loud ticking you hear in your office “isn’t” the wall clock….

Now what were you saying about….
My beloved Number One University of Alabama Crimson Tide Football team again?

Q: Dear Sir,
As one of the most respected prognosticators and writers of college football in the nation..
I would like to submit this letter on my behalf to clear up any misconceptions on my immediate departure from the University of Southern California.

First of all, let me address the recent scandals that have been implied by the national media.
Mr Wizard, I really have no recollection of where Reggie Bush’s mother lives.
I really don’t.
I have only been in Southern California for a few years and barely know my way around Los Angeles.
So, you see, I wouldn’t know where to start should the best back in all of college football have taken an illegal benefit from a philanthropic entity that supports USC.
Also, since I don’t know where Mr Bush’s mother lives, I could not; in fact, self report a violation, had there been one.
Rest assured, I would have jumped on that like a flea on a dog had there been.

Also, as for allegations of wrongdoing by Mr McKnight, it is apparent that an unreliable source, the LA Times reporter, implicated him in the incident involving the alleged driving of a vehicle.
We all know how biased the media is when it comes to superb and outstanding college football players, in particular, those from Southern Cal.
Also, if he’d have been seen by anyone from the coaching staff, which he couldn’t have been since they weren’t looking, then we would have self reported.

Lastly, if you look at our roster after this season, then you’d understand why I feel it necessary to leave.
Honestly, we have no shot at anything more than 7-5, maybe 8-4.
It would not be a wise career move for me to stay and have to endure a mediocre season with a record like that.
I have built a reputation as a winner.
To coach a team that wasn’t in National Title contention would not boost my resume in any way and, therefore, could be a career “suicide” type situatio…
most ESPECIALLY in a weak conference like the PAC 10.
Let’s face it, Barkley isn’t what we thought he was, McKnight’s leaving as well as others, so, reluctantly and sadly, I must go.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions about my impending, already made, decision. I hope you will continue to pull for me as I try to further pad my resume in Seattle.

Sincerely
Pete Carroll
President & Coach, Seattle Seahawks

A: Coach Pete that’s about the closest to “honest” I ever heard from you….
Which still isn’t saying much….
But it’s a start…

Q: Mister Wizard you seemed almost apologetic that Alabama won the National Title in one of your articles, why?
Jay – Iola, Texas

A: Not really apologetic Jay….
At least that wasn’t my intent…
It’s like this…
I am really glad Alabama won and really sorry Texas had to lose…

I prefer beating somebody I hate…
And I have nothing but Love for the University of Texas…

So it’s like that..

Q: Mister Football Wizard yawl’s Alabama boys won a Championship, but at Tennessee our boys get more out of football than some damn old glass trophy.
You know what them boys get when they graduate from the University of Tennessee?
Dan – Maynardville, Tennessee

A: Let me guess….
An ankle tracker and a felony record?

Q: Hello! I am all set to attend the third annual Fanny Pack Lovers of America Convention in Pasadena California next month.
My local Chapter of Fanny Pack Lovers or “Pouch People” as we like to be call ourselves are all making the pilgrimage as a group.
At last years convention I entered the fashion show for in the category of “most original” in which I created a fanny pack decorated with Oreo’s that I carved in the likeness of Kenny Rogers.
Much to the dismay of the audience I came in second to Dale Farkas with his “tribute” Fanny Pack to Siegfried and Roy.
Any Who!
The reason I am writing you, do you think former Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis would be a “guest” judge for our contest this year?
Also I ‘m a huge Duck Fan!
Go Quacks!
Skip – Portland, Oregon

A: Coach Charlie isn’t doing anything….
So I am sure he would be thrilled to be a “guest” judge!

Please contact him at “The Biggest Loser”……

More College football News in a couple of days….

Hope you have a great weekend…

RTR

The College Football Wizard

I know many of you are in the post Christmas wrap-up…
No pun intended

And I know…..

It’s difficult to keep up with the myriad of College Bowl games this year.

But this is no time to start taking laps around the anxiety pool.

We will start with a few email Questions and Answers….
Just to lower the stress level of the Post-Christmas season….

Then we will discuss the list of “Lesser Known” Bowl Games of 2009

But before we get to it….

I hope you enjoy
Your hideous tie from Aunt Martha and remember that “she can’t help it”

Please don’t complain about the gift from Uncle Todd either
Since he was in that weed eater accident that boy hasn’t been the same.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas

Enjoy!

POST CHRISTMAS EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: OMG Mister Wizard!
Even though you don’t like him….(Frown Face!)
I heard Kenny Chesney was playing Santa Claus at the Music City Bowl!
OMG I am so excited!
Is that true?
Trudy – Franklin, Tennessee

A: I think you got your facts wrong here Trudy
Kenny Chesney is “not” going to play Santa Claus”….
He is “coming out of the closet”…..
Which is two entirely different things Trudy

Q: I don’t give a tinker’s damn if you publish this and Italian size the whole thing!
You need to stop making fun of Coach Phil Fulmer!
I seen him in that movie “Blind Side” and I think he is a going to get one of them Academy Awards!
I think it’s good too that the movie showed how he tried to turn Ole Miss in to the NCAA for recruiting violations!
Everybody knows Coach Phil kept everything clean in the SEC
That was before that cheating Urban what’s his Gator ass moved in at Gainesville.
So lay off Coach Fulmer and quit calling him Fat!
GO VOLS!
Rita Sue – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: May I assume Rita Sue you meant…
“Italicize”
But that aside, let me say this…
Saying “coach” Phil Fulmer isn’t fat is like saying
Siegfried and Roy are just “a little bit” gay.

In reference to the movie the “Blindside”

I guess Hootie Snitch has been right all along….
Phil Fulmer is part Snitch and Rat.

Q: Yo wiz,
Maaaaaaaan, my bro Nu’keese be gettin a bad rap all over bout that armed robbery thang up at Tenn’see a few week ago.
I’m a pimp & grew up down here to Apopka & a brotha needs to survive, you know?
I got Nu-key all hooked up wit bling & stuff & then he goes up to Tenn’see to play football & ole boy aint got no bling no mo’.
Well a brothas gotta do what a brothas gotta do. Heck, even the crackers sittin in that car was all good when they found out who it was.
So ya’ll all need to cut my baby brotha some slack.
Keepin it real and Happy Kwanzza to all my peeps
Nu’keenan Richardson
Inmate #5625433
Cellblock 10
Fla State Penitentiary

A: Honestly, I didn’t understand a damn thing you just said.

Q: Sir,
It is becoming apparent, based on the unjust scrutiny of the media, that my football team, the USC Trojans are once again being singled out and targeted by the elitist media.
I mean, c’mon, all this attention over a kid who is simply driving around in a “used” luxury vehicle.
Jeez, I wouldn’t be caught dead in something that old.
And although the payments are $500 a month, it has full collision insurance coverage, and she attends full time a somewhat pricey University of Southern California,
Mr McKnight’s girlfriend can comfortably afford this on her salary as a secretary for Scott Schenter and his many honorable business ventures.
So what if this young lady allows her “baby daddy” to drive this car on occasion to go to and from practice?
In the vernacular of our hip athletes, “Baby Daddy need a pimped out ride, too!!”
I would just like to point out that the USC athletics department adheres to the very spirit and intent of the NCAA’s rules and bylaws.
We’re not one of those Southern universities.
I mean, Mr McKnight never went fishing illegally, or cheated on tests, or sold text books.
He innocently drove a vehicle owned by a questionable individual who graduated from the University of Washington and supports USC.
Couple this with your incessant badgering of one of our highly regarded alumni, Reggie Bush, and you can see that there is undue scrutiny on our program.
So, with that in mind and the fact that WE feel no violations have occurred, we don’t think this needs to be self reported. But, we will look really hard at future escapades should they occur.
Respectfully,
Coach Pete Carroll
University of Southern California

A: Ah I always love to hear from Coach Cheat Carroll and his “squeaky” clean program.

But unfortunately the only people that buy your story….
Is the NCAA “investigators”

Q: Here in Cincinnati we are angry.
Coach Brian Kelly is a liar and a traitor
What’s the big deal about South Bend anyway?
You want to know the truth, here you go….
Notre Dame verses the rest of Division I
Yes, this rivalry dates back for as long as one can remember.
From the smug, self righteous, holier than thou attitude of the institution to the self negotiated TV contract with NBC.
From the indignant and obnoxious fans to the Talking heads of sports who annually proclaim Notre Dame is back……
After they open the season with a couple of wins over cupcakes and get beat by U$C by “only” a few points, EVERYBODY loves to see the Irish get beat…. Yes, even humiliated.
With Gerry Faust, Coach Ty, and, Charlie Weiss at the helm the satisfaction of watching Notre Dame fall to lower tier Div I schools & service academies has been more than satisfying.
And let’s hope the current trend continues with that sack of lying monkey crap Brian Kelly.
Troy – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: Let the anger go Troy……
You live in a city with “Great” chili
And….
He will get what’s coming to him….
I promise…

Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I Just Love starting my letters out like that!
First I want to say I am NOT gay, O.k.?
But the other day I was surfing the net looking for kola bears in funny costumes
And I discovered that Jimmy Clausen is secretly peddling Penis Enlargement Pills on his MySpace page.
After discovering the following link……… (http://www.myspace.com/jimmyclausen ),
Upon scrolling down the page, there is a letter from an “acquaintance” of Clausen’s named “Savannah”…..
Who describes an incident in which she discovered a boyfriend’s Male Enhancement paraphernalia stored in a shoe box under his bed.
What she was doing under “Joey’s” bed we will always wonder, but none the less…..
The letter appears to be a veiled ad for a product from a website titled JATCE.Com. Mr Clausen apparently endorses this product since the letter has been posted on his MySpace page since March 2007. I do not know if this product has benefitted Mr Clausen to date, but in a recent photo of Jimmy in a Speedo, which you posted…..
It is apparent by the Ken doll-like swimsuit he was wearing……
That it has had no effect.
Just thought you should know
Ricky – Long Island, New York

A: Poor Jimmy…..
Liike playing quarterback at Notre Dame wasn’t bad enough….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you heard….
But ESPN has decided to add to the annual trophy award list this year.
Due to Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow’s departure from the NCAA College Football scene after this year…….
ESPN, in conjunction with Oscar Meyer and French’s Corporation will award the 1st annual “Tebow-Big Weiner” trophy annually to the top player in the country who has been overexposed, overhyped, and is thought to possibly have the ability to both part the red sea and stop deficit spending. Frank Bungerman, spokesperson for Oscar Meyer said that “no one in the country personifies the hype & hyperbole like Tim Tebow. I mean, greatest college football player in history? C’mon. But, the media has pulled this off like he were really Superman, Batman, and Obama all in one. That’s a media machine, baby.” Finalists for this years award include dark horse Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen who has engineered a 14-18 record and won the prestigious Co-MVP of the 2008 Hawaii Bowl and, of course, Lou Holz & Mark May darling, Tim Tebow, who has had more exposure and hype than anyone in the history of college football. Starting next November, there will be a link at ESPN for nominations for next year’s awards. Good luck to the nominees!!!
Sobby Sowden – Seminole Retirement Village
Tallahassee, Florida

A: Come on Coach Bobby…..
Is your “Golden Girls Gone Wild” tape stuck in the VHS recorder again?
Call one of those nice attendants at “the home” and they will dig it out for you…..
Isn’t it time for your nap?

Q: Question…..
Can you sing like a Duck if you were caught in a leg hold trap?
Dale – Conway, Arkansas

A: If you knew anything about me, you would know I hate the Oregon Ducks.

THE LIST OF LESSER KNOWN BOWL GAMES OF 2009

The Fleet Enema Bowl
Sponsored by Fleet Enemas and Colon Blow
Hershey Pennsylvania
This game is reserved for teams that blew it out their butt all year
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines

The Cubic Zirconium Bowl
Sponsored by the Arab Mall Jewelers of America
Gypsum Nevada
The teams selected for this game are those teams……
That look really good when the season started but can’t cut glass when it really counts
Ole Miss Rebels and Florida State Seminoles

The Silicon Valley Bowl
Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
Los Angeles California
This prestigious bowl game selects their teams based on “Big” preseason expectations
Only to have them deflate half way through the season…
Southern California Trojans and Notre Dame Fighting Irish

The Flaming Possum Rectum Bowl
Sponsored by the Tennessee Department of Tourism
Baneberry Tennessee
The two teams selected for this game….
Are those teams with uniforms as bright as a baboon’s ass.
Oregon Ducks and Illinois Fighting Pumpkins

ACME Rocket Bowl
Sponsored by Coyote Ugly
Death Valley California
The teams selected for this bowl game
Are those teams that look good until you light them…
Then they blow up in your face….
Louisville Cardinals and Colorado Buffalos

The John Cameron Swayze Bowl
Sponsored by Timex
Piscataway New Jersey
As you might imagine the teams in this bowl game can’t seem to manage a game clock
LSU Fighting Tigers and Texas Longhorns

The HN 1 Bird Flu Bowl
Sponsored by Tyson Chicken
Little Rock Arkansas
The selection for this bowl game is done somewhat differently…
The teams selected for this game are done so on the basis of their hideous mascots.
Mascots that give the viewer the same symptoms as the dreaded Bird Flu
Evergreen State Geoducks and Stanford Cardinal

The Lamisil Toe Fungus Monster Bowl
Septic Tank New York
These teams hold the distinction of looking ugly and gross all year….
Just like that nasty toe fungus monster on the commercials….
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines

More Later in the Week….
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Time to take a break from shopping and wrapping presents…
Forget about the tinsel and what to get Uncle Todd for Christmas for a minute or two.

Ignore your sibling bragging how your niece is a genius at 10 years old but everyone knows she eats her own boogers.

It is time for the most prestigious college football awards on the World Wide Web.

It’s time for the year end 2009 College Football Wizard Awards
(Please hold your applause)

Did I mention the awards are very prestigious?

Enjoy!

BIG TEN COACH OF YEAR AWARD

Coach Rich Rod of Michigan

I don’t know if he deserves it…
But all the Coaches in the Conference voted for him, presumably because they just “Love” him.

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT (PC) AWARD

Unfortunately this is the world we live in….
So, in honor of this plague that has ruined our nation….

The Politically Correct Award of 2009
Goes to the resident King of PC in the epicenter of all that is Political Correctness

Enclosed is an illustrated example of why he won…..
The below is a photograph of the winner of the award
Choking the “Shiite” of an University Indian Mascot in front of a delegation of NCAA ratchet heads and liberal wussys.

MAO TSE TUNG WEEPING MONKEY AWARD

This award goes to those select people that miss the old dictatorship

The award goes to…….

The Myles Brand disciples of the NCAA

The runner up for this award goes to….

The idiots that “still” follow former Southeastern Conference Commissioner Roy Kramer
If you look up “gibbering jackass” in the dictionary
It says
“See Roy Kramer”

THE RODNEY DANGERFIELD AWARD

The Award named after the late great Rodney Dangerfield
Is for the Player or Team that simply put, “Get’s no respect”.

The Winner is…..

Colt McCoy of the Mighty Texas Longhorns
He is only the winningest Quarterback in the History of College Football
His team has only lost one game in two years by a single second.
He only ran for 175 yards against the Texas Aggies….
Make no mistake he is a force….

The Runner-up for this Award

The Boise State Broncos
They just win and win a lot….
Didn’t they beat the PAC 10 Champion this year too?

EDITORS NOTE: It should be stated the “runner-up” award does not receive a trophy
Instead they will receive a number of coupons from Papa Johns Pizza.

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE COACH OF THE YEAR AWARD

This award goes to “The Man” in T-Town…..

Coach Nick Saban of the Mighty Alabama Crimson Tide

Enough said…

THE 2009 CFB WIZARD LOTTERY WINNER

This award goes to Charlie Weis formerly of Notre Dame; for being given 10 million dollars just to quit coaching the Fighting Irish.

EDITORS NOTE: I wish I had a deal like that one.
Let me be sure I have this right….
If I really suck at this job you will pay me ten years worth of salary to quit?
Ah O.K.

THE AWARD FOR BEST SPORTS MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Goes to…..
Coach Pete Carroll in “Probation” The Reggie Bush Story
It’s destined to be a classic

The runner up for this award in sports cinematography goes to……

Phil Fulmer in “Phil Fulmer and Krispy Kreme: A Love Story”

THE “I’M RUBBER AND YOUR GLUE” AWARD

This magnificent award goes to LeGarrette Blount of the Oregon Quacks.
This young football player put on a beautiful display of “I can dish it out but can’t take it”
after his team was defeated and he was manhandled like a ragdoll early in the season.
Young L-Bee talked mucho smack-O BEFORE the game but when it came to listening to a little payback trash afterward
he reacted like somebody had stolen his pacifier.
Nice hook, buddy. Too bad it might have coast you millions

MOST LIKELY TO BE DEFLOWERED IN THE HOOD AWARD

Mark May of ESPN wins this award hands down.
Mark’s street ‘cred’ ranks even farther down on the charts than his football analytical talent.
With no rhythm or colloquialisms to throw out during his meaningless banter with fellow analyst Lou “Lugie” Holtz,..
Marky Mark was a natural choice.

THE “SEE YOU ON SUNDAY” AWARD

This award goes to a player that is destined to play on Sundays……
The winner is Ryan Mallet Quarterback of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

This kid is crazy good….

The Runner-up for this Award

Goes to….
Shu Nama-ganahi-ziterada-siutyz-opga-grawsztu of the Nebraska Cornhuskers

That guy is good….
But his name goes all the way around his jersey.
Also…
Nobody can pronounce it.

THE BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR AWARD

Goes to….
“What’s his Name” at Pittsburg…..

“What’s his name” won since that self serving jackass from Cincinnati left his team in a lurch for the sunny confines of South Bend.

STEVIE WONDER AWARD

This award goes to the team or teams with the ugliest uniforms in all of college football.

The Winner of this Award continues to amaze….
They consistently conger up color combinations that would baffle a Color Blind person

For the eighth year in a row….
The Winner is the Oregon Ducks!
It is a proven medical fact
If you stare at their uniforms long enough you can actually go blind.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN AWARD

This award goes to two organizations that have an “unnatural” affection for one another.

The winners are….
The University of Southern California Trojans and the NCAA

Congratulations…..
You two make such a cute couple.

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE COACH OF THE YEAR

Dabo Swinney of the Clemson Tigers…..

Not only is he an Alabama product….
He deserves it for bringing the Tigers back from the brink

THE LOYALTY AND INTEGRITY AWARD

This award goes to Brian Kelly
For ditching his undefeated Cincinnati Bearkats and a Sugar Bowl berth to play the Mighty Florida Gators…..
For his “dream job” in South Bend.

Thank you Coach Kelly for giving us all another reason to hate Notre Dame.

Welcome to Loserville Jackass…

THE PYRAMID SCHEME AWARD sponsored by AMWAY

This award goes to the organization that makes billions and billions of dollars
and their work force not only doesn’t get paid, and there is actually a cap on how much they are “allowed” to make during the year.

The winner of the award (again) is the NCAA……

The Runner for the Award is the……

The NIKE Corporation…
Got to love that cheap underage age Asian labor, am I right?

BIG 12 COACH OF THE YEAR

Coach Bo of Nebraska…..

I told you they would be a force to be reckoned with…
No need to thank me…

THE DRUNKEN CRACK WHORE AWARD

This prestigious award goes to
Person or persons or organizations that spend money like there is no tomorrow

This year after careful deliberations and recounting the numerous ballots
it has been determined the winner or winners (if you will) of this prestigious award ends in a tie.

The “Winners” of this award are….
The NCAA and the United States Congress……

EDITORS NOTE: Look at the bright side….
At least the NCAA is spending money that actually “have”

THE MISTER MAGOO AWARD

For the first time in a number of years…..
This award, which is reserved for teams or organizations that turn a blind eye to wrong doing…..
Does not go to the University of Tennessee Volunteers.

EDITORS NOTE: I know I was shocked too

The winner of this award goes to a person “and” an organization.

To the Commissioner of the PAC 10 Conference
and Athletic Director Mike “Hear No Evil, See No Evil” Garret of the University of Southern California Trojans
for refusing and ignoring the numerous infractions committed by the Trojan athletic department.

I will have something out for you all tomorrow afternoon
Just in time for Christmas…

So stay tuned….

RTR
MEB

Despite the emotional roller coaster the majority of us experienced during Thanksgiving

And I am not referencing Aunt Edna’s bathroom “issues” either…
That’s a totally separate issue…

No I am talking about our beloved college football rivalries
And we aren’t finished yet….
This week we have the “Civil War”
And……..
The Conference Championship Games

But before we get to these and other games….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 31 and 14 or 69% during the rough and tumble rivalry week
and that leaves me at 564 and 161 for the season holding steady at 78%.

Not too bad considering it was “Rivalry Week”

Enjoy your games!

Thursday December 3rd

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called the “Civil War” for a reason….
But make no mistake, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry…
I won’t belabor the point here, but last year the Quackers upset the Beavers..
This year the beavers return the “Favor”
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-28

Friday December 4th

Ohio at Central Michigan
I know Coach Frank’s Bobcat’s have been tough as of late….
But there is something they way Coach Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s that makes me believe
It might be the way he spits on Mark May when he says it, never mind..
I’m a believer
CHIPPEWA’S 34-28

Saturday December 5th

Cincinnati at Pittsburg
Who would have believed this headline back in August?
The BearKats go undefeated….
Believe it….
BEARKATS 31-17

West Virginia at Rutgers
The only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if my Italian American friends “get involved”
They told me that wouldn’t…
So, Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Fresno State at Illinois
I know it’s not October, so a Fighting Pumpkin reference seems out of place
Unless you like pumpkin pie, which I do…
So the reference is still good
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

New Mexico State at Boise State
Remember when I picked the Bronco’s to go undefeated at the beginning of the season?
Yeah, I was right (Please hold your applause until the end of the picks)
BRONCO’S 44-17

Arizona at Southern California
I heard a really good joke the other day, you want to hear it?
What’s the difference between Coach Pete and a whiny sniveling self absorbed jackass?
None….That’s funny as hell isn’t it?
WILDCATS 28-21

California at Washington
This game will be a lot like the Southeastern Conference Championship game.
Minus the fans, the marquee players, the shot at the National Championship and the television viewership, but other than that it’s exactly the same.
HUSKIES 28-24

South Florida at Connecticut
The boys from Tampa Town have been beaten up as of late
and this game will be no exception and that’s no bull
HUSKIES 28-17

Carson Newman at Grand Valley State
Coach Spark’s Eagles beat my Lions in Florence last Saturday.
Avenging their loss to them earlier in the year and advancing in the Division II playoffs
The best ground game in Division II college football rolls this Saturday
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Wisconsin at Hawaii
I wonder if Dog the Bounty Hunter likes Cheese?
Behold the Power of Cheese….
BADGERS 34-21

Atlantic Coast Conference Championship
Clemson and Georgia Tech
Both teams lost their rivalry games with their instate Southeastern Conference opponents
But that doesn’t mean this game is any less important..
This is the second game of the season between these two teams…
The first game was a wild one…
This one won’t be any different
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Big 12 Championship
Nebraska and Texas
The Children of the Corn will keep this one close with the Black Shirts working overtime
But the Longhorns are headed to the National Championship game
Believe it…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Southeastern Conference Championship
Alabama and Florida
A Clash for the ages….
My Friends there are no “losers” here
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

There is more to come with Hootie Snitch and next weeks picks…
So Stay tuned…

Have Great weekend…

RTR
MEB

As a disciple of Coach Bryant let me put this in his terms……

“Win without bragging and lose without excuse”

Great game Tigers, see you all next year in T-Town.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t you wish everyone acted that way?

Now on to something vitally important to many of you

Are you depressed and despondent after this past weekend?

Are you upset with the way your team played in their most important rivalry?

Are you confused and angry about the outcome of “your” game or the family visits during Thanksgiving?

Did Aunt Edna clog the toilet again this year?

My friends…….
I have the answer to make it all better…….

When things are bleak…….
If you feel there is no hope left……..
Your emotions are drained…….

All because your team let you down against your most hated rival.

While you were attempting to unclog the toilet after Aunt Edna “downloaded”

Do what I do in such circumstances…..

Find something or someone in this case to laugh at…….

Case in point……

There is a website out in cyber world called….

http://www.meet-an-inmate.com/

EDITORS NOTE: DO NOT JUDGE ME!

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator does a lot of “research” to find the fascinating, strange and unusual for you my beloved readers. Some “research” even involves the occasional midget, so please don’t write me asking if I have a “Death Row Honey”. She’s only doing 5 to 10. Plus, I’m pretty sure she’s innocent.

Yet I digress….
Each Lady on the website has a picture, that will not be posted here…..
Along with a brief description of themselves to entice the reader to write them and become pen-pals or possibly…
Move the “relationship” to another level, say like Cell Block D.

Anyway…..

One such unfortunate lady……
Named “Melissa” from Fort Worth used these soul stirring words to describe herself….

“Rescue Me! Southern “Belle” SEEKING MR. RIGHT
I love to laugh……
I love to have Fun, Very adventurous, not much I haven’t done, not too much I won’t try!
I love the Ocean….
I love Peace….
I love music, writing, shopping….
I love making love on the beach and screwing when I am drunk!
I love Jesus, expensive purses and non-judgmental people”

EDITORS NOTE: See…..
You don’t feel so bad about yourself now, do you?

No need to thank me, it’s how I roll.

It’s a Thug Life

More later in the Week….

RTR
MEB

Today is Thanksgiving….
To most people that means three things….
Family, food and football….
And not necessarily in that order…

We have a cornucopia of rivalries this weekend……
Overflowing with hate and discontent…..
Ah, Good Times…

I can hardly wait to dig in, but before we do
Let’s be thankful for what we have and not grumble about what we don’t have….

For example, I am thankful last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…..
was a rather “average” 41 and 11 or 79%, leaving me at 533 and 147 or 78% for the season.
(Noticed how I weaved the weekly statistics in so inconspicuously…..)

All things considered, we all have it pretty damn good

Happy Thanksgiving to you all

Enjoy your games!

Thursday November 26th

Texas at Texas A&M
The Lone Star Showdown
I remember the cheap shots on Colt McCoy…….
and the “down horns” signs by the Aggie players a couple of years ago…..
the bad news…..
The Longhorns remember it too….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 43-17

Tuskegee at Alabama State
The “Turkey Day Classic” as it is known, has been played since 1901.
Which coincidently is the same year Coach Bobby was born….
GOLDEN TIGERS 24-21

Friday November 27th

Nevada at Boise State
This isn’t a rivalry game…..
It’s just and Old Fashioned Boise State ass whipping
BRONCOS 38-23

Illinois at Cincinnati
Some people are calling for a Fighting Pumpkin “Upset”
I don’t happen to be one of “those” people
BEARKATS 33-17

Rutgers at Louisville
After the Scarlet Knights lost last week to (of all teams…)
Syracuse…
The Jersey Campus was reported to have smelled like old pancakes and shame…
But then they realized they lived in New Jersey, which explained the smell.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 24-17

Toledo at Bowling Green
This is the Battle of I-75 for the coveted “Peace Pipe”
The trophy alone tells you this isn’t a fierce rivalry.
If it was a serious rivalry, the word “peace” wouldn’t be in the equation.
FALCONS 24-20

Pittsburg at West Virginia
The Backyard Brawl
The name says it all…..
Two neighbors battle it out on a chilly night in Morgantown
Light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Northern Illinois at Central Michigan
This game isn’t a rivalry and it isn’t a backyard brawl…
It’s about Chippewa’s riding the Huskies like midgets in a rodeo
Sorry for the visual….
That disturbed me a little bit too..
CHIPPEWA’S 34-13

Wyoming at Colorado State
This rivalry is known as “The Border War” and it is played each year for
“The Bronze Boot”….
The rams get the boot this year, but not where they thought they were going to get it..
COWBOY UP! 28-17

Temple at Ohio
The Bobcats are playing well, but the Owls are inspired…
HOOT OWLS 33-21

Buffalo at Kent State
It’s Thanksgiving for Goodness sake….
Who wants to think about the “Golden Flashes” this time of the year?
Makes you think about Grandma getting in the dinner wine and flashing the guests
NO BULL 38-10

Nebraska at Colorado
The Children of the Corn haven’t forgotten……..
About the pasting the Buffalos gave them a few years ago…..
in fact they are still down right sore about it.
That isn’t good news for Ralphie
CORNHUSKERS 31-17

Memphis at Tulsa
I would care about this game…..
But the Iron Bowl is getting ready to come on.
Sorry…
HURRICANES OF GOLDEN 24-20

Alabama at Auburn
The Iron Bowl
The name says it all….
CRIMSON TIDE 24-14

Saturday November 20th

Florida State at Florida
This is the Sunshine State Showdown
It is played for the Governors Cup
The Tallahassee paper has reported this week…
Coach Bobby is “ready” for the game….
What they “meant” to say was ….
Coach Bobby is “ready” to go to the bathroom without assistance…
Not that this story has anything to do with Thanksgiving…
But it is the season of “sharing”, so I felt obligated to share.
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17

Virginia Tech at Virginia
In Virginia nothing is as important as the “Commonwealth Cup”
Which by my estimation……
Will stay in Blacksburg until Hell freezes over.
MIGHTY HOKIES 33-17

Miami (FL) at South Florida
Unless you have seen an actual Hurricane….
Loose in your house you cannot discount their power or destruction.
In case you were wondering, “yes”…..
I am referring to the Thanksgiving when my sister-in-law visited two years ago.
The Damage is as yet to be fully assessed.
HURRICANES 33-14

Oklahoma State at Oklahoma
The Bedlam Game for the Bedlam Bell
There is nothing more important today in the Great State of Oklahoma…
Not Births, not deaths, not bar mitzvahs, not anything.
This is it….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Carson Newman at North Alabama
The quarter finals of the Division II College Football Playoffs
These teams played each other earlier in the season, with the Lions winning.
Different day, same result….
MIGHTY LIONS ROAR 34-31

Missouri at Kansas
This game is called the Border War….
It’s played for the “Indian War Drum” and the Lamar Hunt Trophy
Some still call this a “Civil War”, but make no mistake…
There is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry
MO’S TIGERS 38-14

Georgia at Georgia Tech
Sure, this game is for the “Governors Cup”
But this rivalry is known as “Clean Old Fashioned Hated”
That my friends, sums it up nicely….
YELLOW JACKETS 31-28

Clemson at South Carolina
The game is called the “Battle of the Palmetto State”
Coach Sweeny is an Alabama man….
And that’s good enough for me…
DABO’S TIGER 33-17

Grambling State at Southern University
The Bayou Classic
Have I mentioned lately that I’m a Coach Rob guy?
I have?
Good, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page
ROB’S TIGERS 38-17

Rice at Houston
The Battle for the Bayou Bucket
My favorite pudding gets whipped in H-Town…
Believe it…
COUGARS 43-14

Arizona at Arizona State
This instate rivalry is affectionately known as the “Duel in the Desert”
And it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”
Which I think resembles a bucket of sand….
WILDCATS 24-21

Tennessee at Kentucky
This game has always been known as “The Battle for the Beer Barrel”
And the keg goes to…..
WILDCAT BLUE 33-24

Boston College at Maryland
This game promises chills and thrills…
Who am I kidding nobody is going to watch this damn game…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-17

Wake Forest at Duke
Demon Deacons and Blue Devils….
Kind of sounds like Jimmy Swaggart holding his breath…..
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

North Carolina at North Carolina State
The Battle for Tobacco Road…..
The Heels have a tough defense and State has an amazing engineering department
Yeah, this one shouldn’t be too tough….
TAR OF HEELS 33-13

Texas Tech at Baylor
I doubted the power of the Red Raider’s last week…
I thank everyone in the Red Raider nation for pointing my error out….
I should have known better…
Lubbock is the Home of Buddy Holley…
Enough said, Peggy Sue
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 43-21

Washington State at Washington
This instate rivalry game is played for the “Apple Cup”
Please note…..
If your “rivalry” game has a flower, a fruit or any members of the “Village People”
In the name, then it doesn’t count as a “real” rivalry, sorry.
I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.
HUSKIES 17-10

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
The Egg Bowl….
Few rivalries outside the Iron Bowl are bitterer than this contest….
I can feel the heads of Mississippians nodding everywhere….
I wish I had better news Bulldog Jim….
REBELS 33-17

Syracuse at Connecticut
Not that I care because I don’t…….
But I have obligations too….
HUSKIES 24-21

New Mexico at Texas Christian
I can’t say that I have actually seen a horned amphibian ride a Lobo…
Not even on the Animal Planet….
But rules like records are meant to be broken…
(My personal motto….)
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Southern Miss at East Carolina
I have gotten back in good graces with my Hattiesburg faithful…
So I don’t intend on taking a step backwards at this point….
Let’s face it….
Few things in life are as good as Mississippi BBQ….
A man has to have his priorities….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

Central Florida at UAB
What the hell is a “Blazer” anyway?
Something on sale from the Men’s Warehouse?
That’s a stupid mascot….
Everybody Run! Here comes a Sport Coat!
I don’t get it…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-17

Tulane at Southern Methodist
My Proud Ponies are a “win” a way from going to a Bowl game…
They won’t disappoint me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-23

Marshall at Texas El Paso
Three simple words here….
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-24

Utah at Brigham Young
This is the “Holy War” for the “Beehive Boot”
I can’t say I have ever put my foot in a boot full of bees….
But I saw this dumbass in Michigan once…
Never mind those people from Michigan have suffered enough…
TWO UTES 33-31

Utah State at Idaho
This game is being played at the home of the Vandals….
I respect people whose mascot looks like a foam rubber Genghis Khan…
THE MIGHTY KHANS 38-17

Arkansas at LSU
The Battle for the four foot tall “Golden Boot”
The past two years it has resided in Fayetteville….
There won’t be a change of address left at the Post Office this year….
RAZORBACKS 34-24

Notre Dame at Stanford
The winner of this game wins the “Legends Trophy”
I am assuming by the title it has Knute Rockne’s skull atop the trophy…
Which is creepy…
CARDINAL 34-31

New Mexico State at San Jose State
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet has a “Thanksgiving” Special
On the dental hygiene of the platypus
Don’t laugh….
It will be a hell of a lot more entertaining than this game…
JOSE CUERVO 34-10

UCLA at Southern California
The Battle in the City of Botox Angels for the “Victory Bell”
Gosh, I would care, but I have to do my laundry, sorry….
BRUINS 33-31

Navy at Hawaii
This game reminds me….
I want to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
I love those guys…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-17

I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving….
And a great weekend of college football….

Stay tuned…
There is more to come..

RTR
MEB

While Coach Pete and the Southern California Trojans are singing MC Hammer songs
and trying to determine if they are “Too Legit to Quit”, the rest of us will roll into the Week 12 Picks.

But before we do I need to mention….
Last week your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
was a substandard 39 and 15 or a rather lowly 72%. That leaves us at 492 and 136 or 78% for the season.

We have some bitter rivalries to discuss and the opening round of the Division II Playoffs
So let’s get to it shall we?

Coach Pete, “You can’t touch this”

Enjoy your games!

Wednesday November 18th

Central Michigan at Ball State
I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but….
When Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s” he sounds just like Sylvester the Cat
CHIPPEWA’S 33-21

Buffalo at Miami (OH)
The Redskins have disappointed me all year, tonight will be no exception
And that my friends is “No Bull”
BULLS 34-13

Thursday November 19th

Colorado at Oklahoma State
In Stillwater they have a little saying: “Buffalo”….
The “other” white meat
COWBOY UP! 33-14

Friday November 20th

Akron at Bowling Green
Another I-75 Battle in the Buckeye state….
Falcons Zip the Zip’s……
FALCONS 31-28

Boise State at Utah State
The Bronco’s are on their way to an undefeated season….
Just like I said they would…
No need to thank me Boise Fans…
It’s how I roll….
BRONCOS 38-17

Saturday November 20th

Florida International at Florida
If “International’s” football team was a musical group they would be Menudo.
MIGHTY GATORS 38-14

Kansas at Texas
I hate to be the one to tell you this…
But Dorothy, you aren’t in Kansas anymore…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Chattanooga at Alabama
I was very proud of the Moccasins come from behind win last week
But this week, the Tide is Rolling and Rolling and Rolling…
CRIMSON TIDE 45-10

LSU at Ole Miss
This game is going to be a slobber knocker from start to finish
Believe it
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-23

Arkansas Tech at North Alabama
The “Wonder Boys” from Tech are going to “wonder”…..
what the hell they were thinking playing the mighty Lions of Florence in the first round of the Division II Playoffs.
FLORENCE LIONS 33-24

Citadel at Georgia Southern
The Bulldogs lost a sizeable lead to the Mighty Moccasins last Saturday
and they will get a terminal case of the Statesboro Blues this week…
Sounds like the beginning of a country song….
Just add train sounds…
EAGLES 34-24

North Carolina State at Virginia Tech
It’s too close to Thanksgiving “Not” to pick the Turkey’s
HOKIES 34-17

Oklahoma at Texas Tech
The Mighty Sooners are going to have their hands full this weekend….
And so will the Red Raiders…..
This one is going to be close….
Real close….
BOOMER SOONERS 31-28

West Alabama at Carson Newman
Another first round Division II Playoff Matchup….
The Tigers aren’t ready for the Boy’s from Jefferson City..
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Ohio State at Michigan
The title alone says it all….
There are few games that garner more hate and discontent…
These two bitter rivals hate each other 365 days a year….
Between these two states, there is nothing more important…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-17

Memphis at Houston
My Cougars have dropped the ball as of late…
(No Pun intended…)
But I still believe…..
COUGARS 34-17

Minnesota at Iowa
This Big Ten Battle is played for the coveted “Floyd of Rosedale”
If you are wondering what that actually is, it’s a Bronze Pig statue, ok?
Which makes absolutely no sense to me..
EYES OF THE HAWK 33-14

Harvard at Yale
A classic matchup that absolutely nobody cares about…
Including me..

Penn State at Michigan State
This Big Ten Battle is called “The Battle of the Land Grants”
And it is played for the “Land Grant Trophy”
No, I didn’t make this up…..
I wish it was called “The Battle of the Foster Grants”
And the winner got some cool sunglasses….
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-20

Oregon at Arizona
The Wildcats are undefeated at home in the desert this year….
But the Quacks are on the attack….
If you don’t think so…
Just ask Coach Pete how his quacker is doing?
QUACK ATTACK 33-31

Duke at Miami (FL)
The Blue Devils are doing better than they did last year…
Which is like saying..
Kenny Chesney doesn’t act as gay as he used too..
HURRICANES 34-14

Kentucky at Georgia
The Dawgs will tree the cats between the hedges and leave them blue.
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS! 38-21

Kansas State at Nebraska
The Wildcats got spanked by MO’s Tigers last Saturday…
The Children of the Corn get medieval on the Cats this weekend…
HUSKY’S OF THE CORN 28-14

California at Stanford
This PAC 10 Rivalry is called “The Big Game”
They play it each year for the “Stanford Ax”
If you think I am going against the Tree, you would be wrong.
CARDINAL 43-38

Mississippi State at Arkansas
The Bulldogs are tough and getting tougher…..
But the Hogs are hitting their stride…..
RAZORBACKS 31-14

Arizona State at UCLA
The hopes of the Devils from the Valley of the Sun….
Will melt in Pasadena like a Hershey Bar on a dash board of a truck in Dallas on July 4th
BRUINS 24-17

Maryland at Florida State
There is some good news and some bad news for Coach Bobby this weekend
The “Good News” is that the Seminoles will win this weekend…
The “Bad News” is Coach Bobby believes the Japanese just bombed Pearl Harbor
and will spend the entire game hiding in a bunker near the stadium.
SEMI-NOLES 38-17

Louisville at South Florida
Here is how this works…
The Cardinals just sneaked by Otto the Orange last Saturday in the Ville…
The Bulls were embarrassed in Jersey
The Boys from Tampa rebound against Coach K. this week..
NO BULL 33-14

Wisconsin at Northwestern
Another Big Ten Battle this week and you know what that means…
Yes! Another rivalry game for a trophy!
This game between these two magnificent schools is played for….
“The Magnificent Marsupial Trophy”
I know it sounds important, but it looks like a stuffed possum.
HEADS OF CHEESE 33-31

Purdue at Indiana
This Big Ten Matchup and instate rivalry is played for…..
“The Old Oaken Bucket”
As opposed to…..
“The Semi-new recyclable plastic environmentally friendly repository of Hope”
BOILERMAKERS 28-24

North Carolina at Boston College
The Boys from Chestnut Hill have a problem this weekend….
The Heels of Tar are rolling into town….
It’s like an Oil Spill, except you get your ass kicked in the process.
TAR HEELS 28-13

Iowa State at Missouri
In the Name of Jesse James I will not doubt MO’s Tigers again…
I said that this week and I intend on keeping my word…
MO’S TIGERS 31-27

Rutgers at Syracuse
Now that I know that Tony Soprano is “working” the games for the Scarlett Knights..
This one is an easy pick…
After all, I certainly don’t want to anger my Italian American friends in Jersey..
I might want to go back to Atlantic City one day..
And return in one piece…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 34-10

Virginia at Clemson
The Boys from Charlottesville play less like “Cavaliers”
And more like midgets on miniature ponies, with little sombreros and chaps
DABO’S TIGERS 33-14

Oregon State at Washington State
Much like Coach Riley……
I am all about the Beavers…..
MIGHTY BEAVERS 43-10

Vanderbilt at Tennessee
There is no truth to the rumor…..
That the latest Volunteer player arrested for shop lifting was in a disguise
therefore it took nearly two weeks for the police to release the report.
In fact he was wearing his football jersey with his name on the back while committing the crime,
the Tennessee Athletic Administration was just trying to keep it a “secret” like they used too.
Glad I could clear that up for everyone…
VOWELS 24-14

Wofford at Furman
This game will be a Battle between two of Chewbacca’s Kids
I just hope nobody gets a hairball….
FURRYMAN 23-17

Kent State at Temple
I’m sorry but every time I hear anything about the “Golden Flashes”
I get a visual image of naked people at the nursing home
HOOT OWLS 24-17

Texas Christian at Wyoming
The Horned Amphibians from Cow Town destroyed the two Ute’s last week…
They will stick the cowboys this Saturday….
Cowboy down
HORNED FROGS 34-14

Tulane at Central Florida
Neither of these teams has a personality…..
Sort of like my sister-in-law
Minus the one foot that looks like a hoof…
the hump on the back, the horns, I mean “calcium deposits”…
but other than that they are almost exactly alike.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-21

Connecticut at Notre Dame
Even a win over the Huskies won’t save Coach Charlie’s job….
But the good news is that Gerry Faust is available..
So, it’s like a “win-win”
FIGHTN’ IRISH 33-23

Air Force at Brigham Young
The Cougars are tough to beat in Provo…
But these Falcons Aim High…
FALCONS 33-28

UAB at East Carolina
What’s the deal with the “Blazers” of Birmingham having a “Dragon” as a mascot?
The only “Dragon” I ever saw in Alabama was when I went on this blind date once..
Never mind, I don’t want to talk about it…
PIRATES 31-28

Texas El Paso at Rice
My favorite pudding gets pounded by the semi-mighty miners…
Believe it…
MINERS 43-10

Baylor at Texas A&M
Let’s be honest here….
Neither of these teams are worthy of a bid to the “Vienna Sausage Bowl”
That says it all…
GIG EM AGGIES 38-34

Army at North Texas
I love Denton Texas, but I don’t have a clue to what a “Mean Green” is…
Unless it’s a kitchen cleanser
Why would you name your team after some thing like that?
What’s next, “The Blistering Bleach”?
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 24-23

San Diego State at Utah
So these two Aztec Ute’s were on their way to a ritual human sacrifice at the temple of the sun God….
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 43-14

Southern Methodist at Marshall
I do love the folks in Huntington, and the Thundering Herd…
But they are playing against…
THE MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-24

Colorado State at New Mexico
The winner of this game does get a bid to the “Vienna Sausage Bowl”
Yeah, this game is “that” important..
LOBOS 24-23

Tulsa at Southern Miss
After last week, were I actually doubted the Golden Eagles…
Well, I learned my lesson…
I can’t have my home folks mad at me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Hawaii at San Jose State
Wouldn’t you know it….
The “new” season of “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is starting and I am stuck
in Two Buck Tim…
Sometimes, life just isn’t fair…
WARRIORS doing the electric slide over RAINBOWS 24-21

Nevada at New Mexico State
The Pack of Wolves has one of the finest running backs in the nation…
and the Aggies have “Lasso Pete” as a mascot….
Yeah, this one is easy…
WOLFPACK 34-10

Enjoy your weekend and your games

Stay tuned…
There is more to come..

RTR
MEB

You didn’t think I was going to leave you yesterday….
Without recapping the games of the week and answering your emails did you?

I thought we knew one another better than that…..

I would never disappoint by beloved readers
(Or hardly ever…)

But enough about that….
We have a lot of games to discuss…..
So let’s get to it, shall we?

Coach Pete, are you with me?

TEAM NEWS

GRAMBLING: Coach Rob would have been proud, Congratulations.

STANFORD: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NOTRE DAME: See above, but not said in “a good way”

EDITORS NOTE: If you Irish fans think you will be getting Urban Myer out of Gainesville…
Think again. You couldn’t pry him out of Florida with a bucket of poop and a mop.

TENNESSEE: Never thought I would see the day…..
When a Tennessee Football Player would be dismissed from the team, much less three players.
I am speechless.

COLORADO: Just because my sister-in-law doesn’t run onto the field with the football team (anymore)
Is no reason to go in the tank at the end of the season.

MINNESOTA: Congratulations O’ So very Golden Gophers!
You needed a last minute field goal to beat the University of South Dakota State Technology Academy of Hair and Nail Design.
And you actually wonder why I make fun of you?

GEORGIA TECH: Congratulations Yellow Jackets on going to the ACC Championship.
You damn sure deserve it….

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: In the words of Maxwell Smart…
I missed the “Upset Special”
“By that much…..”

MISSOURI: In the name of Jesse James I will never doubt the Missouri Tigers again.

ALABAMA: Roll Tide Roll……

NCAA: If you are wondering “who” the next President of the NCAA will be….
I have in my possession a copy of the “Want Add” the NCAA posted recently for the lofty position.
“Wanted: Self absorbed holier than thou Dictator and tyrant with an inherent loathing of the southern states and all things southern, to include Texas and Oklahoma.
Must worship Satan and the University of Southern California, and routinely turn your blind and or prosthetic eye from said University and Pete Carroll, as well as Notre Dame, Michigan and all other Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” schools.
Must have experience crushing university traditions and changing their mascots, as well as catering to low life organizations such as the NAACP and those shady groups associated with Jesse “Shake Em Down” Jackson and Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Also, must like the “New Kids on the Block” and “Sponge Bob Square Pants”.

MICHIGAN: SOooooooooooo How’s that “new” coach working out for you?

CHATTANOOGA: GREAT comeback win over the Citadel! GO MOCCASINS!

NORTH CAROLINA: Now I know why no Hurricanes ever hit the Carolina coast…
The Tar Hells beat them down, Great win…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I understand Coach Pete and the “mighty” Trojans have a very good reason for their latest loss to Stanford…..
It was reported that the Trojan football team was suffering from a drug problem during the game this past Saturday.
The reason I can say that is because…
It looked like the Trojans got drugged up and down the damn field by Stanford…

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
“No” this never gets old for me…

GEORGIA: If you wonder why I picked the Bulldogs over Auburn, it was simple..
The Dawgs have Rambo on the team, enough said.
Glad you are doing better Rambo, you had us all scared there for a minute.

OREGON STATE: I have said it before and I will say it again….
I am all about the Beavers

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment was in no way intended as a sexual reference.
I just happen to be a Beaver fan, O.K.?

TEXAS A&M: In case you all have forgotten, let me help you out with this one.
How do you spell “defense” in Aggie Land?
“FIRE MIKE SHERMAN”

OHIO STATE: Congratulations on a trip to the Rose Bowl and a share of the conference title.
But if you have to play Stanford, the Buckeyes better be ready…..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mister Wizard –
I am sorry I am new to your website and I haven’t been able to keep up with the PAC 10 conference this year, so I have to ask you: After this past Saturday’s debacle…..
How many losses do the Southern California Trojans have so far this year?
Rachel – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Tree

Q: Sir,
I don’t know if you’re familiar with me or my work, but I’m world famous game show creator Chuck Woolery.
After reading of the troubles at many schools in regards to recruiting violations, I came up with a brilliant concept for a new game show.
Think recruiting!
Think Reggie Bush!
Think Pete Carroll!
The concept is this: You have a guy like Pete Carroll pursuing a highly prized, yet vastly overrated, recruit (who is actually the contestant) sort of like Reggie Bush.
The contestant has fabulous prizes, like a house in San Diego, lavished upon him as well as travel to exotic and luxurious locations.
At the end of the show we tally the net worth and send it to the NCAA who, as we all know, will do nothing!!!
What do you think? Is this a great concept or what?
Chuck – Los Angeles, California

A: Love your work Chuck, but it’s already been done….
It’s called “The NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans”
Sorry….

Q: Mike, now that Myles Brand is dead,
why hasn’t the NCAA moved out with their “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Thanks!
Jeff – Fort Payne, Alabama

A: The “secret” to the NCAA’s amnesia on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Southern California Trojans can be found in Myles Brand’s Will.
Which your favorite college football prognosticator has a copy of, because nothing is too good for my beloved readers.
It reads as such:
“….And should the University of Southern California Trojans, coached by my prodigal son Peter Carroll, lose 3 or more games in the 2009 season AND/OR fall out of the Bowl Championship Series competition for the National Championship, I do hereby direct the Investigative committee of the National Collegiate Athletic Association to complete their inquiries and investigation into the sordid Reggie Bush affair. It has been my goal to keep the “anointed one” in position to keep his team in a lofty position for continued success. If he can’t succeed with this assistance then he shall feel the wrath of the U$C boosters, alumni, and myself from the grave. Afterwards, I do hereby bequeath all perks to Notre Dame. God knows, they need all the help they can get. ”

Q: So, the NCAA attacks Florida State because of its mascot, gives Ole Miss a bunch of crap because of its rebel flag and the last verse of their fight song.
When do they make Oregon and Oregon State change the name of their rivalry game, the “Civil War?”
Oh, wait, they’re not from the South
Jake – Vicksburg, Mississippi

A: Jake, it’s like they say at the nursing home when somebody hits the numbers…
“Bingo!”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You never really talk about yourself, so I have to ask…
What are the ingredients for the “perfect” weekend for you?
Barbara – Beaumont, Texas

A: Funny you should ask Barbara….
I had what could be described as a “perfect” weekend this past Saturday
Tennessee and Auburn lost, the Trojans got trampled and Alabama and Texas won.
It really doesn’t much better than that where I am….

Your Week 12 Picks will be out on Thursday…..
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Much like my University’s mascot…
I have the memory of an elephant and I hardly ever forget anything.
As you might imagine, it’s a curse and blessing.

That being said….
I remember the following quotes from some noted Sports publications and commentators
back in August of this year before the college football season began.

Sports Illustrated

“Pete Carroll and the Trojans are even better than they were a year ago…”

“The Mighty Men of Troy will once again breeze through the PAC 10 and be in the National title picture…”

“Pete Carroll is the best college football coach in the country, hands down”

Fox Sports

“The Southern California Trojans won’t miss a beat this year…..
and their defense will be even better than it has been the past several years, and that is scary…”

“Coach Pete Carroll has one of the top two college football teams in the Nation”

Lisa Horne of Fox Sports

“Like it or not, Pete Carroll and the Southern California Trojans will be in the National Title game this year….”

“Matt Barkley will lead the Trojans to the National Title game….”

“Matt Barkley “may be” the first freshman to win the Heisman trophy…”

College Football News

“The Trojans will win the PAC 10 title hands down and will be in the National Title game at the end of the season…”

“The Men of Troy’s defense is scary good and even better than it was a year ago…”

ESPN

“Nobody in the PAC 10 can touch USC; the only question is who they will face in the National title game”

“Pete Carroll has assembled his finest team since his arrival on the Trojan campus”

ESPN’s Mark May

“Pete Carroll has such a wealth of talent at every position, all he has to do is reload”

“The Southern California Trojans will face either Texas or Florida in the National Championship game….
but Pete Carroll’s Trojans will definitely be in the title game.”

“Once the Trojans defeat Ohio State, nothing will slow them down until the National Title game”

CBS Sports

“Like it or not folks, the National Title will have to go through Pete Carroll’s Trojans”

THE CFB WIZARD

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator didn’t pick the Trojans to win anything….
not the conference title or be in the national title hunt.

And the emails flowed in with that prognostication didn’t they?

Some called me a “Trojan Hater”

Other emails from California and irate Trojan Fans called me far worse names.

Now after a school known more for their SAT scores than touchdowns…
Torched the Trojans for 55 points on “Homecoming” and Coach Pete and the Men of Troy are
“Where?” in the Pac 10 Conference standings, I have to ask all you detractors….

“How do you like me now?”

But look on the bright side U$C Trojan fans….
At least Coach Pete shook the Stanford’s Coach’s hand at the end of this game…
unlike the snub he gave him two years ago when the Cardinal Beat the Trojans at home.
So I guess, that counts for something…

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH SOUNDS OF STUPIDITY

Life is funny sometimes.
Just when you think some things have changed, they remain the same.
Take the University of Tennessee for instance..
Just when you think they Volunteers have a Football Coach…
that will restore a tattered reputation away from “Thug University”
and bring discipline back to a program that couldn’t spell it during the Phil Fulmer era….
once again we find ourselves back where we started.

In the event you haven’t heard or read about the three Tennessee Football players recent arrest
let me give you the “Low Lights” of the three Orange clad prodigal sons of stupidity.

Three Tennessee football players, one a “star” recruit and wearing his “Tennessee football regalia”
attempted to rob at gun point using a pellet gun, people in a vehicle at a truck stop
in the very same town in which they live and play football.

As you might imagine, it doesn’t end there….

One player was released by the police..
after presumably rolling over on the other two
and the other two players posted their bond that was set at $19,500 dollars each.

Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton had this to say…..

“We are evaluating the circumstances surrounding the incident before we make a decision”

Tennessee Football Coach Lane Kiffin had this to say……

“We are gathering all information until we make a decision…”

EDITORS NOTE: I wrote the very lines you are about to read…
time and time again about the same lousy excuses provided by Fat Phil Fulmer
and the then alcoholic Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee for similar incidents and some far worse.

So for the benefit of Coach Lane Kiffin and Athletic Director Mike Hamilton, let me make this one simple for you, O.K?

Wait for it…..

Wait for it….

There are ALREADY is plenty of “information” available to make a “decision”, it’s all in the police report, you two dumbass’s.

I sure hope that helps.

But I have two questions for Coach Lane, Mike Hamilton and all the loyal Volunteer Fans out there.

Who paid their bail and who is paying for their attorney’s?

Because it damn sure isn’t them or their families and we all know that don’t we?

More later in the week..

So stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

Before we get into this weeks picks….
I want to thank Hootie Snitch for providing his “unique” perspective on last weeks games and answering your email questions.

But just for the record I am a lot closer to Two Buck Tim than I am Tim Buck Two…

Last week your favorite college football prognosticator was a “disappointing” 42 and 15 or 75%.
And for the season I stand at 453 and 121 or a rather lackluster 79%.

But I take solace in my prognostication powers
when I heard that ESPN college football “analyst” Todd McShay, according to the network…
was making his picks at a “furious” pace by selecting “16” games currently this season where he stands at 10 and 6.

I know what you are thinking……
“Amateur”

But before we roll into Week 11’s Picks I want to wish…….
A Happy Veterans Day to all Veterans, past, present and future.

And a Happy Marine Corps Birthday to my Marine brethren around the world
We’ve Been Keep’n it Real since 1775….

Enjoy your games!

COMMENTATORS QUOTE

Bret Musburger on Alabama Coach Nick Saban
During the game with LSU in 2007 which the Crimson Tide lost

“There is the highest paid coach in American folks;
it doesn’t look like the folks in Alabama are getting a lot for their money does it?”

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record dumbass….
I don’t think we pay Coach Nick enough, buy I think it has worked out o.k., don’t you?

Wednesday November 11th

Toledo at Central Michigan
The rockets will be reduced to a pack of firecrackers before halftime
Believe it
CHIPPEWAS 33-14

Thursday November 12th

Texas Southern at Grambling State
The Bayou Classic……
Beyond the football game, the battle of the bands is not to be missed.
I am still a Coach Rob man…
ROB’S TIGERS 31-17

Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
Another Classic Battle on I-75
The Falcons are favored, but I have a feeling….
REDSKINS 24-21

South Florida at Rutgers
I know, I know
This game is being played in “Jousey….”
But forget about it…..
NO BULL 33-28

Friday November 13th

West Virginia at Cincinnati
Save a Couch, Beat the Mountaineers
BEARKATS 31-28

Temple at Akron
The Owls are on their way to their first Bowl game since 1979…
Zippy gets Zipped…
HOOT OWLS 24-20

Saturday November 14th

Florida at South Carolina
Nobody needs to tell Coach Steve how bad a Gator bite can be….
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Furman at Georgia Southern
I can’t wait to hear Chewbacca sing the “Statesboro Blues”
I heard he does a great Greg Allman imitation
EAGLES 24-21

Texas at Baylor
The Waco Bears have really come on as of late…….
and I know I missed picking the Bears in “The Battle of the Brazos”
But the boys in burnt orange are the real McCoy
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-21

Pennsylvania at Harvard
I really don’t care and neither should you

Alabama at Mississippi State
The Bully Bulldogs are always tough…
But the Tide is coming in…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-13

Frostburg State at Salisbury
This game is a stark reminder that I wish I had a frosty beverage and a Salisbury steak.
But sometimes I wish for too much

Indiana at Penn State
I missed on Joe Pa’s Lions last week against the mighty Buckeyes….
But Joe has more than enough magnification left in his reading glasses to burn the Homers from Hoosierville
JOE’S LIONS 31-17

Columbia at Cornell
Nobody cares about this game either, and as a side note…
Both teams marching bands suck too.

Tennessee at Ole Miss
Remember my prognostication about the Volunteers not losing another game?
Yeah, I was serious…
VOWELS 34-17

Arizona at California
I would watch this game
but I heard there was fighting in Central America, and I have to watch the news, I have friends in Missouri.
I bet there fighting those damn people from Kansas.
GOLDEN BEARS 33-28

Miami (FL) at North Carolina
The Tar Heels….
Wait, what the hell is that anyway?
Is that somebody who walked across a freshly paved road bare footed?
Never mind….
ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now isn’t it?

Virginia Military Institute at Army
There are better games going on around the country when this game gets underway….
There are better teams playing this Saturday with more at stake in the college football world, while this game is being played
But you won’t find any better kids anywhere in the country than you will see right here
They are some of the very best we have in this country
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 24-14

Texas A&M at Oklahoma
If you wonder why I continue to pick the Sooners…
even with all the season ending injuries on the team, the answer to that question is easy.
It’s because they are the still the Mighty Sooners, that’s why.
BOOMER SOONERS 31-28

Virginia Tech at Maryland
Ed Wang of Virginia Tech, who also happens to be the biggest Wang in College Football, but I digress….
I wonder if Ed Wang has ever gone out and “Wang Chung Tonight”
Just curious…
HOKEY HOKEY HI! 34-17

Samford at Wofford
This pesky cough is going to kick Sam’s ass, count on it.
WOFFY 33-13

Stanford at Southern California
No Upset Special Here……
The Darlings of the Sports Media get their other eye blacked with a tree
CARDINAL 38-24

EDITORS NOTE: I know it doesn’t really fit here…..
But……
Coach Pete, you want a quacker?
That never gets old for me..

Iowa at Ohio State
The quarterback with the Black and Gold is out for at least two weeks
The Buckeyes are rolling and the game is in the Big Horseshoe
Enough said….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-17

Citadel at Chattanooga
The Bulldogs get shoed away from a win with a moccasin, believe it.
MOCCASINS 28-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma State
The Red Raiders get rode down by the Cowboys in Stillwater
You better believe it….
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Florida State at Wake Forest
A lot of people are down on Coach Bobby as of late…..
They want to say it’s because he is “too old” to be coaching
He went to high school with Noah, so yeah he is definitely “old”
But that’s not the real reason is it?
It’s because you Seminoles aren’t beating the hell out of everybody, right?
You complainers should all should be ashamed of yourselves…
SEMI-NOLES 24-21

Nebraska at Kansas
I can’t help but wonder….
Are there a lot of Huskers that shop in the “Husky” sections at department stores…..
Do any of them own Husky dogs?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
HUSKY CORNHUSKERS 23-17

Auburn at Georgia
This game is called “The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”, because it is just that.
Conventional wisdom calls for the Tigers to win this game, they are favored in the contest.
But as you all know by now….
I am neither conventional nor wise.
RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES! 34-31

Michigan at Wisconsin
Despite the fact the Wolverines are playing in Wisconsin,
There is no truth to the rumor that Coach Rod’s wife’s perfume smell’s like old cheese
That is hurtful and untrue
Her perfume smells more like the mixture of old peoples feet, wet corn flakes and a high school rest room urinal cake.
I hope that sets the record straight
BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE 31-21

Washington at Oregon State
For once I agree with Hootie Snitch…
I love me some Beavers…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-17

Troy at Arkansas
What in the Hell was Troy thinking scheduling this game?
He must be drinking again….
RAZORBACKS 43-10

Colorado at Iowa State
Thank you all for your enquiries….
But my sister-in-law will “Not” be leading the Colorado Team on the field
this Saturday as the “Guest Buffalo” for the game with the Cyclones.
She is currently filming new “Messing with Sasquatch” Beef Jerky commercials..
Before you ask, “No” she is not wearing any makeup…
And “Yes” they are using “movie magic” to cover up her antlers, sorry..
I mean “calcium deposits”
BUFFALOS 24-17

South Dakota State at Minnesota
Question for the Minnesota faithful…
Aren’t Gophers really just hamsters on steroids?
O’ So GOLDEN GOPHERS 38-23

Georgia Tech at Duke
The Devils will be Black and Blue before this one is over…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-14

Clemson at North Carolina State
This game is known as “The Textile Bowl”
The winner of the decorative towels and fuzzy bathroom mats is…
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
This classic matchup in the North is played for the highly coveted…
“Yeti in a Tube Top” trophy….
Not really I was just hoping someone would take my sister-in-law for Thanksgiving
FIGHTN’ IRISH 33-28

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get the Blues in Music City on Saturday Night
Believe it….
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 24-20

Boston College at Virginia
The Cavaliers lost to the Duke Blue Devils two weeks ago….
Enough said….
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 141-14

UCLA at Washington State
I understand Alvin and the Chipmunks will be singing the National Anthem at this game
Not the “real” Chipmunks, just some dudes or dudettes in foam rubber costumes
Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you all worked up over nothing
BRUINS 33-14

Northwestern at Illinois
Another Big Ten “rivalry” game and you know what that means..
That’s right, another game for a coveted trophy!
This annual game between these two schools is played for
“The Trombone of Cheese Whiz”
Don’t touch it, you don’t know were it’s been
FIGHTN’ PUMPKINS 28-17

Missouri at Kansas State
In any conflict between the states of Missouri and Kansas
I always side with Kansas, because I am a Jesse James man..
but any team that goes to the trouble of digging up their dead coach
and propping him up on the sidelines to inspire their team, well…
I have to respect that
WILDCATS 24-23

Arizona State at Oregon
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet is having a “Special” on Sea Monkey’s.
You know they are natures perfect creature right?
They swim in the ocean and can live in the jungle.
If you don’t believe me then why do you think they call them “Sea Monkeys”?
I think I made my point
QUACK ATTACK 33-28

Michigan State at Purdue
This Big Ten Rivalry is played each year for a magnificent trophy!
Aren’t they all?
This Big Ten game is played for the highly coveted “Bejeweled Staff of Doubt”
Frankly I doubt anybody really cares about this game..
BOILERMAKERS 31-24

Houston at Central Florida
The Golden Knights are in Orlando right?
Isn’t that were “O Town” was from?
That’s all I need to know…
COUGARS 33-21

Syracuse at Louisville
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question….
Will anyone attend a college football game between two crappy teams?
CARDINALS 17-10

Brigham Young at New Mexico
The Lobos get Low Blow’d in New Mexico…
I know that was catchy right?
Think of me as the college football version of Doctor Seuss
COUGARS 34-17

UAB at Memphis
I know what I am talking about here
I’ve been to Graceland…
Thank you, thank you very much
ELVIS’S TIGERS 24-17

Idaho at Boise State
This game is entitled….
“The Battle of Idaho” and it is played for the Governors Cup
At least this instate battle doesn’t have the word “Flower” in it
BRONCOS 34-21

Texas El Paso at Southern Methodist
The Miners of El Paso have surprised a few people this year, but they won’t surprise
THE MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Tulane at Rice
Not that this has anything to do with the game, but I have to ask
Why is Rice-a-Roni the San Francisco treat?
I always thought it was Liberace
Never mind…
HOO HOOT OWLS 21-17

Delaware at Navy
I have grown to love that Navy Goat mascot….
You have to respect a mascot that can eat a tin can, you know what I mean?
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Southern Miss at Marshall
I really like both of these teams, but they harder to predict than the weather
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-21

UNLV at Air Force
The Falcons are soaring and the Rebels are grounded….
This one is easy
FALCONS 34-10

Utah at Texas Christian
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
Two Ute’s take down the horned amphibians in Cow Town
So says my Cousin Vinny
TWO UTES 28-24

Louisiana Tech at LSU
The Bulldogs are in trouble in this instate Battle on the Bayou
Mike the Tiger is angry and hungry….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

New Mexico State at Hawaii
This game is just another reminder I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Life is so unfair sometimes
WARRIORS jumping rope over RAINBOWS 31-28

Sunday November 15th

East Carolina at Tulsa
I wonder if a “Golden Hurricane” is a drink you don’t have buy yourself
on Bourbon Street?
Makes you wonder doesn’t it?
CAROLINA PIRATES 23-21

Enjoy your weekend and your games

Stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

What a week it was…
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather amazing 42 and 10 last week or 81%
and that leaves us at 411 and 107 or 79% for the season.

But enough self adulation, this week we have “even” more Big Ten games….
Played for a variety of trophy’s and valued memorabilia and the tussle in T-Town.

Later in the week we will discuss the Bowl Championship Committee…
Which is actually not a committee at all, but a room full of chimpanzees
wired up on Red Bull and sugar throwing poop at college football teams listed on a wall chart.

More on this “detailed process” as it has been described in the media later in the week.

We have some games to discuss…

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday November 5th

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
I know, I haven’t hit a game with the Hokey’s in a couple of weeks….
But I have on “good authority” that Lou Holtz is going to be the “guest” Mascot this week.
Get your Gobble on Lou…..
MIGHTY TURKEYS 31-10

Miami (OH) at Temple
Believe it or not (and I ‘m not sure that I do…)
The Owls of Temple are on the verge of their first bowl game since 1979….
That’s enough motivation for anybody…
HOOT OWLS 24-17

Friday November 6th

Boise State at Louisiana Tech
Have I mentioned lately that I picked the Broncos to finish the season undefeated?
Enough said….
BRONCOS 34-17

Saturday November 7th

Vanderbilt at Florida
This game reminds me of the old saying……
“If you love something, let it go….
If it doesn’t come back then the alligator must have eaten it’s ass up”
At least that’s what they say on the bayou…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Central Florida at Texas
Before this one is over the Golden Knights will wish
they jousted with midgets on burros instead of trying to stop the stampeding Longhorns.
Which as a side note…
Midgets jousting on burros screams pay-per-view to me….
especially if they are wearing sombreros
MIGHTY MIGHTY LONGHORNS 44-10

LSU at Alabama
The Tussle in T-Town…
A classic matchup that will be a fight until the final whistle blows…
Don’t blink…
CRIMSON TIDE 20-17

Northern Arizona at Ole Miss
SOoooooooo the “Chancellor” in Oxford stated this week that “He” will remove the Rebel fight song
if the students continue to chant “The South will rise again…” at football games.
Here is a little hint….
You got a jackass running a university that doesn’t understand college students…
Because even I know you don’t “threaten” a bunch of college kids….
Stand by Dumbass….
REBELS 43-17

Chattanooga at Appalachian State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mountaineers are going down with a moccasin sticking out of their butt.
Sorry for the visual….
MOCCASINS 28-24

Ohio State at Penn State
This game will be and ole fashion slug fest from start to finish……
I think the Buckeyes will win a close one…
but I have a feeling that Joe Pa has something up his sleeve, or hidden in his hair, or behind his glasses…
You get the picture….
JOE PA’S LIONS 23-21

Tusculum at Carson Newman
When I had the “Kangaroo Flu” recently, I think I coughed up a Tusculum…
It was disgusting…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-14

Oregon State at California
Beaver Jim, I wish I had better news for you…..
GOLDEN BEARS 33-24

Virginia at Miami (FL)
Here’s how this game works….
The Cavaliers lost to the Duke Blue Devils last week…
Enough said….
HURRICANES 152-0

Oklahoma at Nebraska
This game isn’t the marquee game that it once was…..
But it doesn’t mean they don’t hate each other with a passion…
I like that in a football game…
BOOMER SOONERS 28-17

Henderson State at Ouachita Baptist
Little known fact about the Ouachita Baptist denomination…
They don’t have their own “Theme Park”….
Unlike a few other denominations I could mention…
FIGHTN’ BAPTIST 33-10

Connecticut at Cincinnati
The Huskies are playing more like anorexic Chihuahuas
BEARKATS 33-17

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
This game is played each year for the “Telephone Trophy”…..
I’m not making that up…
The Cowboys will lasso this Cyclones….
I saw it once in a movie called “Tall Tales”
It was “based” on fact….
COWBOY UP! 31-21

Florida State at Clemson
No Bowden Bowl this year….
Just and ole fashioned Tiger ass whipping…..
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Kansas at Kansas State
This instate rivalry is called “The Sunflower Showdown”
It’s played each year for the coveted Governors Cup
Anytime you have a rivalry game that has the word “Flower” in it……
it’s just not that big a deal outside your own state, it’s a rule.
HAWKS of JAY 34-17

Tennessee Tech at Georgia
The Eagles have the same chance of winning this game between the hedges
as Kenny Chesney does of discovering his heterosexuality.
In case you are keeping score, that would be slim and none.
HUNKER DOWN BULLDOGS 43-10

Wofford at Citadel
Sure it’s cool that Chewbacca has his own college…..
but the military of college of South Carolina’s Dogs will take a bite out of his hairy butt.
CAROLINA’S BULLDOGS 31-17

Duke at North Carolina
This battle on Tobacco Road is played for the “Victory Bell”
Which hasn’t seen the Blue Devil campus since Coach Steve was there….
That trend continues on Saturday…
TAR HEELS 24-17

Purdue at Michigan
This Big Ten matchup can only mean one thing….
You guessed it, another “rivalry trophy”
This game is played annually for the coveted “Sphincter Cannon”
If I were you, I would stay away from that thing when they fire it…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Washington at UCLA
I still believe in the Power of the Huskies….
At least this week I do….
HUSKIES 23-17

Hofstra at Delaware
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Hofstra”…..
Mark May has to wear a dental shield to keep from getting sprayed in the face with spit.
Just thought you should know.
BLUE HENS 24-14

Furman at Auburn
Just for the record “Furry Man” is not a reference to my sister-in-law in a tube top.
If it was, it would be called “Run for your life! It’s a Yeti in damn tube top!”
I kind of made myself sick just thinking about it…
WAR DAMN EAGLES 43-14

Georgia Southern at Samford
That Fred Samford cracks me up with that whole shtick
“This is big one! I’m coming to see you Elizabeth”.
I don’t know what that has to do with this game.
I just thought I would mention it.
STATESBORO EAGLES 24-13

South Carolina at Arkansas
This game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl
Because you don’t know which team is going to show up for the game…
RAZORBACKS 33-28

Oregon at Stanford
Quack, Quack…..Quack, Quack…..Quack
ATTACK!
(I think that’s how it goes; I’ll ask Coach Pete, he should know…)
QUACKERS 34-24

Texas A&M at Colorado
Talk about your Schizophrenia
Neither of these teams has established anything that resembles an identity…
Other than they both have had the hell beat out of them by the Longhorns..
No wait, I am about two weeks ahead on that prediction for the Aggies, sorry.
GIG EM AGGIES 24-20

Wake Forest at Georgia Tech
Even Jimmy Swaggart won’t be able help the Demon Deacons this week, but he will go on a crying jag.
Which is nice…
YELLOW JACKETS 33-14

Wisconsin at Indiana
Just what we needed
Another Big Ten “rivalry” game!
This game between these two stalwarts of the conference…..
Is played each year for the coveted “Piñata of Meat”, which if I’m not mistaken is filled with “Pork by-products”.
This also may explain why there are no Muslims on the respective teams.
CHEESE BADGERS 31-17

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky
The Colonels will be reduced to Privates before halftime, believe it.
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 38-14

West Alabama at North Alabama
This Heart of Dixie Battle between West and North will go to the Roaring Lions..
You can take this pick to the bank
MIGHTY LIONS 34-10

Western Michigan at Michigan State
The Bronco’s are going to get spanked by Sparky…
Which is kind of a weird visual, I’m sorry about that
SPARTANS 34-17

Illinois at Minnesota
This storied Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Petrified Polar Bear Turd”
This is further evidence that both states are located ten miles from the Arctic Circle
FIGHT’N PUMKINS 33-24

Baylor at Missouri
MO knows Bear taming….
Need I say more?
MO’S TIGERS 31-17

Maryland at North Carolina State
I would watch this game but VH1 “Behind the Music” is having a special
On whatever happened to the cast of “Break’n 2 Electric Boogaloo”
I wonder if they are still “Pop’n and Lock’n”?
WOLFPACK 23-17

Syracuse at Pittsburgh
The Panthers are going to claw Otto the Orange to a pulp…
Thought that up myself…
PANTHERS 34-14

Louisville at West Virginia
This game isn’t what it once was…..
But it will end with couches burning into the Morgantown night….
Light Em if you got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Northwestern at Iowa
I love these Big Ten games….
Almost each and every game is played for “something” important
This game is certainly no different..
The rivalry between these two schools is played each year for the
“Snow Globe of Beef Jerky”
I shudder to think where they came up with the idea for this “trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 33-21

Memphis at Tennessee
This volunteer instate rivalry is played “every so often” as the media guide described for
“The Tennessee Cousin Bucket of Lovin”
They further state in the media guide….
“Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it…”
VOWELS 43-10

Brigham Young at Wyoming
Cowboy Down……
BRIGHAM’S COUGARS 31-10

Navy at Notre Dame
This game has two of the oddest mascots in college football..
A Goat and a Leprechaun….
Now, if they would let the Leprechaun ride the goat THEN I would watch it..
FIGHTN’ IRISH 34-24

Rice at Southern Methodist
My favorite pudding isn’t ready for the wild ponies….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Army at Air Force
The next to final game for the “Presidents Cup”…..
Aim High
FALCONS 28-14

Kent State at Akron
A game between “Zippy” and the “Golden Flashes”….
Sounds like the making of a Gay Pride Parade…
ZIPPY 23-17

Texas El Paso at Tulane
This rough season has reduced the Green Wave to chartreuse trickle
MINERS 34-17

Texas Christian at San Diego State
Have I mentioned lately that I picked the horned amphibians to go undefeated this year?
I know that I “mentioned it”, I was just bragging..
Sorry…….
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Worchester Tech at Susquehanna
This game really puts me in a quandary..
On one hand I love Worchester sauce and I think it’s cool that have a college for that..
But on the other hand I know Susie will threaten to whip my ass if I don’t pick her..
I won’t be intimidated..
SUSIE 23-17

Fresno State at Idaho
I wonder whatever happened to Mister Potato Head’s kids, Ida and Spud.
I hope he kept his eye on them….
Yeah, thought that up myself too.
BULLDOGS 31-28

Washington State at Arizona
I would watch this game this game
But QVC is going to have a sale on their “Rhesus Monkey Dentist Kits”.
Before you ask, “No”, I don’t have a monkey.
I just want to watch the demo
WILDCATS 24-17

New Mexico at Utah
This game highlights Ute’s and Lobos….
Sounds like a Disney Movie…
TWO UTES 34-17

Houston at Tulsa
Speaking of movies….
Is it just me, or did you want to see Apollo Creed in Apollo 13?
Never mind, it’s just me.
COUGARS 38-23

Southern California at Arizona State
Hey Pete, you want a Quacker?
That never gets old for me…
TROJAN$ 6-3

Utah State at Hawaii
This game only serves to remind me that I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Damn it…
WARRIORS Pop’n and Lock’n on RAINBOWS 31-24

Sunday November 8th

Nevada at San Jose State
Poor Jose…..
He is going to get beaten like a rented Burro….
As a side note…
This pick is much funnier when spoken out loud with a Mexican accent.
WOLFPACK 33-17

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend
More next week, so stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

I ask you….
Who got treats and who got tricked this weekend?

The Homers of Indiana certainly got “tricked” into believing a two touchdown lead was enough to beat the Iowa Hawkeyes.

And the South Carolina Gamecocks had more than enough “Butterfingers” to start the game in Knoxville, which counted as a tasty “treat” for the Volunteers.

But perhaps the best treat of all was watching the Trojans get the hell quacked of them.

Let’s take a look back at the Halloween games and answer a few of your emails….

Don’t be afraid, there’s nothing to be scared of…

TEAM NEWS

PENN STATE: In an effort to eliminate any reference to a “cross”, the “six” students that protested the recent student T-shirt promoting the Lion football team, will ceremoniously burn all Christopher Cross records on the Happy Valley campus.

TENNESSEE: I had a feeling the Volunteers were going to have a “uniform” change…
My Gay-Dar was going off before kickoff…

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, the black jerseys look stupid, just so you know.

GEORGIA: See “Tennessee” above and substitute “Helmets” for jerseys.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, I finally got one right…..

ILLINOIS: What was I thinking going against the “Fighting Pumpkins” on Halloween?

NORTH ALABAMA: The Lions of Florence are for real this year….
Is another National Championship in their future? I sure hope so…

VIRGINIA TECH: It’s getting close to Thanksgiving..
So you Turkeys better get it together or you your season is going to be cooked.

AUBURN: Didn’t I tell you the Tigers would beat Ole Miss? Who loves you?

WEST VIRGINIA: Come on Mountaineers, there are people in Morgantown with couches that need to be burned.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You got quacked!

TEXAS: I don’t think the “Prairie Wind” touched any of the Mighty Longhorns on Saturday Night.
The questions, can anybody else touch them before the Big 12 Championship game?

EDITORS NOTE: The above was in no way a reference to MC Hammer, so you can’t touch this..

OREGON: Quack Attack, indeed. Congratulations.

LSU: For my Mighty Tiger fans in honor of Halloween….

Click here to view the embedded video.

CHATTANOOGA: Nice win Moccasins, very nice win.

MICHIGAN: It was erroneously reported that Coach Rod’s wife was dressed as a “witch” on Halloween
for the wolverine game with Illinois. This is incorrect and hurtful.
She was dressed as herself, she just looks and acts like a witch, there’s a difference.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I guess the Bulldogs did tree the Cats, sorry I doubted you Bully.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Pete, you want a quacker? HAAAAAAAAAA!

NCAA: Now that your media sweethearts won’t be eligible for the National Championship…
You think we might find out what the status is on that big “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear sir
I have been really angered by the obviously biased calls for the best coach that ever lived, Bobby Bowden, to retire.
I watched the entire GREAT triumph over NC State today and I am certain that Coach Bowden acts like a coach better than anyone around.
Did you see him waive his hands and point? Just like a normal coach would do.
Did you see him get excited and break into a little bit of a geezer trot when he was trying to get Damotok’s attention?
Joe Pa’s not even that fast.
Now I will give you the fact that he did look a little disoriented when he walked out on the field for the post game handshake but, hey, he knew he was supposed to do something when the final gun sounded!! So, leave my Coach alone all you naysayers!
Solomon in Sopchopee

A: Bobby is so old he remembers when being “disoriented” meant you got lost in Tokyo.

Q: Dear Sir,
There’s been all kind of stories going around but one has left me scratching my head.
Is it true that my beloved Dawgs had a couple of drives stall yesterday because our quarterback, Joe Cox, has a revoked license?
Just wondering
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: The Cocktail Party’s over Lemuel, back away from the alcohol.

Q: Dear Sir,
I just want to let you know that my Georgia State Panthers kick off their inaugural season next year!!! Our head coach, Bill Curry, is cooking up something extra special cause our first game is against those Alabama Crimson Tide boys!!!
I’m looking for a big win there and maybe an undefeated season!!
Then its National Championship time!!!
Only 309 days til kickoff!
Albert in Alpharetta

A: Does the term “Beat Down of a Lifetime” mean anything to you Albert?

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
This week while we’ve been practicing I’ve been seeing all these pictures all over the place. In the locker room, in the weight room, heck, even in the bathroom stalls there are pictures of Florida beating us, pictures of the scoreboard of the 49-10 beat down we took, and even Urban Myers calling timeout. So, I’ve just got this to say.
I’m convinced. In fact I’m so convinced that I’ve called Gainesville and talked to them about transferring. Heck, Tebow leaves this year and they’ll need a new quarterback next year. Do you think that I’ve got any eligibility left if I leave now?
Thanks
Joe Cox

A: It’s over Joe, just let it go…..

Q: Mike, I hate to ask…
But what costume did Hootie Snitch wear on Halloween this year?
Chip – Pensacola, Florida

A: I didn’t see it Chip….
But I was told it looked like a unicorn wearing a gimp mask….
Sorry for the visual.

Q: As commissioner of the Southeastern Conference, I would appreciate if you would publish this letter on your popular website:
To all,
I would just like to thank you for making this one of the most exciting football seasons in recent Florida Gator history. We here at the SEC, in an attempt to maintain our superiority over other conferences in the country, would just like to fill you in on our exciting new policy. Our intent is to make sure we have a premier team represent the SEC, and YOU the fan, in the Championship game every year. What with Tim Tebow being the media darling that he is, we felt it necessary to give him an appropriate show of love for his Senior season. With that being said, please stop raising such a fuss on the questionable calls made by our officiating crews during games with Florida. It’s all a grand plan from which every deserving SEC school will receive their shot at a National Championship. Our plan is to get Alabama to the table next year, and if their offense continues to improve, we’ll get LSU back in 2011. Afterward, we’ll look at the remaining schools who have not represented our fair conference in the National Championship game for future consideration. Well, all but Georgia, Vandy, and Mississippi State. They’re going nowhere fast.
Best wishes,
Mike Slive
Commissioner
Southeastern Conference
P.S. Tell Lane Kiffin that he’d better keep his mouth shut or the only post season bowl they’ll be playing in is the Igloo Bowl in Anchorage Alaska. And we’ll put it on Pay Per View

A: Ouch…..

Q: Mr Wizard,
I’m really pumped about my Tennessee Volunteers football team this year. We have had a great season so far. We almost beat Florida a couple of weeks ago.
We REEEEEEEEEEEEEEAlly almost beat Alabama last week.
We beat South Carolina and that smartass Coach Genius and I’m very, very excited.
But with the way our team is playing I feel real good about our chances.
Mr. Wizard how bad do you think we might almost beat the rest of the teams on our schedule this year?
Go Vols!!!
Minday in Memphis

A: I think you will “almost” win the remainder of your games this year…

Q: Dear Sir,
Hey there Mr Smarty Pants. All you Bamer folks thought you pulled a fast one on me when you THOUGHT you cut off the sound to my headset on Saturday. Shows how smart ya’ll are. I was listening to the entire compilation of the Barney the Dinosaur tunes on my cassett deck I had stuffed in my pocket. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
My daddy was the only one you messed up and he only coaches the defense, and that’s really not that important.
So keep trying CHEATERS!!
Like I said after the game, we’re gonna beat you next year!!!
Or the year after. Or the year after that.
I love you, you love me!!
We’ll beat you in 2023!!!
Go Vols!!!
Lane Kiffin

A: See you in OBknoxville next year Jackass….

Have a great week folks….
Your Week 10 Picks will be out later in the week..
So stay tuned..

RTR
MEB

Not a bad week last week my friends…..

Hit the Florida State and Clemson Upsets….

(No Need to Thank Me, It’s how I roll….)

For the week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
was 40 and 9 or 82% and that leaves us at 369 and 97 or 79% for the season.

(Kill the applause Sign)

We have a big weekend before us….

This week we have a variety of Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” games
being played for a multitude of trophies including Pig’s Feet and the occasional Bejeweled Stick of Oblongata.

In Jacksonville Florida we have, with all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams,
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.”

And who can forget this weekend is the scariest of them all….

Yes my friends it’s “Halloween….”

And you all know what that means….

Little children come dressed as goblins and ghosts to your door and ask for candy….

Also, it’s time for Fat Phil Fulmer to rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat those very children that I mentioned above….

I pray none of your kids go dressed as a donut or a Bear Claw or they are goners for sure

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 29th

Valdosta Sate at West Georgia
The Wolves of West Georgia are outmatched in this instate battle…
I have a feeling this is going to get uglier than a Halloween costume contest at the Bowling alley on dollar beer night.
BLAZERS 38-10

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
Little known fact….
The Hokey Pokey is illegal to perform in 19 states and the District of Columbia
They are afraid that it really is what it’s all about…
HOKEY HOKEY HOKEY HI! 31-23

Friday October 30th

West Virginia at South Florida
The Bulls are hard to beat when the sun goes down…
But the Mountaineers brought couches and lighter fluid….
Light Em if you Got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Saturday October 31st

Moravian at Ursinus
Morey better watch his Uranus or he is going to get his ass kicked.

Texas at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys will keep this one too close to call….
Believe it…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-23

Ole Miss at Auburn
I cannot in good conscience pull for the “new” politically correct Rebels….
Even if they are playing the Tigers of the Plains
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-28

West Carolina at Chattanooga
I still think a “catamount” sounds like something nasty is going on….
MOCCASINS 24-17

California at Arizona State
I would watch this game
But “Zamfir” will be playing his “Greatest” Pan Flute hits on PBS
GOLDEN BEARS 6-3

Carson Newman at Wingate
Wingate sounds the college is in a “gated community”
Now that’s just pompous
SPARKS EAGLES 34-17

Miami (FL) at Wake Forest
Hurricane season isn’t over until November 1st….
It’s the Law…
HURRICANES 33-10

Ouachita Baptist at West Alabama
I have been incorrect in my characterization of the “Ouachita” Baptists
They are the ones that don’t believe in wearing shorts, I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-10

Kansas State at Oklahoma
Even if their new quarterback has a “football” mustache the Mighty Sooners are still a force of nature….
You know what a football mustache is right?
It has eleven hairs on each lip….
BOOMER SOONER 24-14

James Madison at Delaware
I don’t know anything about Jimmy, but his wife makes awfully tasty little donuts.
Not that it matters here, but that Miss Dolly is a sweetheart…
BLUE HENS 31-28

New Mexico State at Ohio State
Custer stood a better chance at the Little Big Horn than the Aggies do in the Horseshoe.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 45-10

Cincinnati at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him on Saturday night…
Believe it..
BEARKATS 43-14

North Alabama at Arkansas Monticello
If you sing the song “Moon River” and substitute “Boll Weevil” for moon river in the song
it makes for a much more entertaining version of a timeless classic.
I just thought you should know…
FLORENCE’S LIONS 31-21

North Carolina State at Florida State
I read this week the Wolfpack quarterback is “maturing” in the offense….
I wonder if that means his voice is changing and he is growing hair in funny places..
SEMINOLES 34-14

Delta State at Arkansas Tech
They call Tech “The Wonder Boys”….
Before this one is over they are going to be wondering why they tangled
With the Fighting Okra!
FIGHTN’ OKRA 28-14

Kansas at Texas Tech
My beloved Red Raiders are not the team they were last year…
But they still know how to GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-31

Samford at Citadel
There must be a lot of money in the “junk” business
when Fred Samford can afford his own college. I wonder if Lamont is the President of the school?
BULLDOGS 24-13

Nebraska at Baylor
I am not joking around here Cornhuskers….
If you don’t win this game
I will hold Lil Red hostage until the Shoney’s Big Boy admits Lil Red is his less successful and pudgier younger brother…
It will be painful, but I will do it…
HUSKER POWER 24-17

Weber State at Montana
Don’t get me wrong….
I think it’s wonderful the people that make a great tailgating grill have their own college.
But this is Grizzly Country…
GRIZZZZZZZZZ 38-14

Eastern Michigan at Arkansas
This game will be like “Crouching Tiger hidden Dragon”
Without the crouching tigers or hiding dragons
Other than that it will be exactly the same…
RAZORBACKS 45-0

Missouri at Colorado
I am not sure about Curley and Larry…
But MO knows how to administer a Buffalo Butt Whipping….
MO’S TIGERS 24-21

Rutgers at Connecticut
The Huskies have redemption this weekend for a lost teammate…
Count on it…
HUSKIES 28-23

Mississippi Sate at Kentucky
In a role reversal of nature…
The Blue Cats tree the Bulldogs…..
Count on it…
BIG BLUE CATS 24-20

Arkansas State at Louisville
Finally Coach K gives the fans something to cheer about…
At least for another week
CARDINALS 38-10

Central Michigan at Boston College
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Chippewa’s take down the Boy’s from Chesnutt Hill..
I’m serious..
CHIPPEWA’S 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
I bet Jerry Mathers is an Oregon State fan too…
How could he not be?
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

Coastal Carolina at Clemson
I don’t know about you…
But I think “Chanticleer” sounds like a cold sore
I shudder to think what their mascot looks like…
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt
The Rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech are neither rambling nor wrecking…
And that’s not good news for the Commodores
YELLOW JACKETS 43-14

Duke at Virginia
I would watch this game
but the East Timor Chimpanzee Poop Flinging Competition is going to be on ESPN U.
This weeks its all about distance….
BLUE DEVILS 13-7

Purdue at Wisconsin
This Big Ten Battle is played each year for the coveted Amish Ass Hat of Cheese
One safety tip…
Don’t wear it in the sun…
Or out in public…
BADGERS 31-28

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten Battle and you know what that means?
That’s right, another Battle for a coveted trophy and title.
This game is played for the “Prosthetic Pigs Foot of Des Moines”
It kind of reminds me of that one foot of my sister-in-law that looks like a hoof…
EYES of the HAWK 33-17

South Carolina at Tennessee
Don’t count out Coach Steve in this one, especially if Lane is still whining
Somebody needs to give that guy a pacifier..
VOWELS 23-17

Southern Miss at Houston
The Golden Eagles have a Houston size problem this week..
COUGARS 34-21

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Coach June and the Boys have it together this week….
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MIGHTY MUSTANGS! 31-24

San Jose State at Boise State
Little known fact….
“Livin La Vida Loca” is Spanish for “Jose is going to get his ass kicked……”
BRONCOS 43-10

Georgia at Florida
Jacksonville Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Nothing but Gators…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Michigan at Illinois
I think this “Big Ten” game is played for “Who has the Crappiest Weather” Trophy
Doesn’t matter, they are both ten miles from the Arctic Circle..
WOLVERINES 31-21

Iowa State at Texas A&M
Both of these teams have the exact same personality….
Except different…
CYCLONES 28-24

Temple at Navy
Did you know Bill Cosby went to Temple?
Yeah, that won’t matter on Saturday….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-14

UNLV at Texas Christian
Did I mention that I picked the Horned Amphibians to be undefeated?
I am still on track after this weekend…
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Air Force at Colorado State
This game is played for the “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
It is my understanding it will stay in Colorado Springs until Hell Freezes over…
FALCONS 31-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This reminds me…..
I need to get my “Dog the Bounty Hunter” fix….
I Love those guys…
WOLFPACK 33-14

Penn State at Northwestern
So “six” students in Happy Valley “aren’t” happy
over the “new” T-Shirt promoting the football team…
because they think it promotes Christianity?
Even though the design was voted on by the student body?

I guess we should call Boeing
and tell them to change the shape of their airplanes because the wings are in the shape of a cross.
What a bunch of ass monkeys…
Never mind…
JOE’S MIGHTY LIONS 24-14

New Mexico at San Diego State
You know what doesn’t rhyme with “Lobos”?
An Aztec ass whipping…
LOBOS 27-17

Washington State at Notre Dame
The Cougars have the same chance of winning this game as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a fitness model.
Slim and none..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-10

Tulane at LSU
The Battle for the Rag in Bayou Country…
By the time the Green Wave hear “O’ Say Can you see…….”
They will be behind by two touchdowns…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Southern California at Oregon
I know what you are all thinking so I will say it for you…
“My God, Can’t they Both Lose?”
QUACKS 28-23

Michigan State at Minnesota
This traditional Big Ten Battle is played for the “Giant Twirling Baton of Corn Dog”
It’s always funny until somebody loses an eye…
SPARTANS 24-17

Wyoming at Utah
Two Ute’s and a Cowboy walk into a bar mitzvah with an armadillo in a leather jacket…
Sorry, I didn’t know you had heard that one..
TWO UTES 38-17

Sunday November 1st

Marshall at Central Florida
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 24-21

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend

Happy Halloween

RTR
MEB

I come to you this week from the confines of the Death Star…
As one of only a dozen Americans left here I wanted to share
Some observations you may be interested in…

The Storm Trooper outfits are surprisingly comfortable
Darth Vader isn’t as tall as I thought he would be….
Yoda from behind looks like a taxi cab with the doors open.
A small green taxi cab, but a taxi cab nonetheless.

But it’s like the “green guy” told me this past week…
“Write the picks you must, disappoint the fans you cannot”

My intergalactic transfer may explain my drop in numbers this past week….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather lousy 40 and 13 or 75%
and overall I stand at 329 and 88 or a subpar 79%.

But this is no time to look back because it is the Third Saturday in October.

And simply put, that means War.

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 22nd

Southern Arkansas at Delta State
They say people fall into two categories
Some people are “Dog” people, others are “Cat” people
Me? I’m an Okra man
FIGHTN” OKRA 24-14

North Alabama at Valdosta State
I know a lot of folks in south Georgia love their Blazers from Title Town..
But this is the year of the Lion..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Florida State at North Carolina
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coach Bobby gets back on track this week..
That is if he is awake from his nap in time…
SEMI-NOLES 28-17

Friday October 23rd

Rutgers at Army
The Black Knights of the Hudson have befuddled me all year
I pick them to Win and they can’t kick a 20 yard field goal…

EDITORS NOTE: This may explain their inability to hit a stationary target with artillery.
But that is another story for another time…

I pick them to Lose and they beat Vanderbilt…
What gives?
If you guys could confuse the enemy as well as you confuse me we would have wrapped the war up five years ago…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 34-17

Lane at Stillman
You don’t really care about this game do you?
I didn’t think so…

Saturday October 24th

Florida at Mississippi State
The Bully Dogs will keep it close…
But I am convinced Superman really does wear number 15.
MIGHTY GATORS 28-14

Texas at Missouri
MO may know football….
But he doesn’t know jack squat about stampedes…
Light the Tower…
LONGHORNS 31-17

Tennessee at Alabama
This game is Democrats and Republicans
Cowboys and Indians
Oil and Water
Jews and Arabs
Except it’s worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17

Juniata at Moravian
I have no idea what this Mexican kid is thinking..
Ever since she had a “bad experience” at the Beauty Shop
Juanita has been in a bad mood and spoiling for a fight…
JUANITA 24-10

Penn State at Michigan
I have on good authority if Coach Rod’s wife attempt’s to “Ugly” the Lion’s into submission
(Which she is more than capable of by the way)
Joe Pa will melt her like the wicked witch of the west with the powerful magnification of his reading glasses.
Go ahead, Dare him too.
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-28

Brevard College at Carson Newman
I knew a rich kid when I was in school named Brevard..
He was a booger eater…
Sorry for the visual
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Arkansas at Ole Miss
For the folks from Oxford
All that National Championship and Heisman Trophy talk seems kind of silly now, doesn’t it?
RAZORBACKS 34-17

Chattanooga at Elon
I was told Moccasin Bend is the Mental Heath Hospital on the Tennessee River.
Does that make the Moccasins crazy?
Yes, Crazy Good!
MOCCASINS 28-24

Washington State at California
You want to know what I find interesting about this game?
Nothing…
BEARS 3-2

Oklahoma at Kansas
Coach Stoops should have started Bradford later than sooner.
But I still have faith in the Mighty Sooners…
BOOMER SOONERS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
This game is going to be uglier than when we trim my sister-in-law’s foot that looks like a hoof.
And that is really saying something…
YELLOW JACKETS 43-10

Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
This game will be a battle from start to finish….
Believe it…
MOUNTAINEER’S 33-28

Oklahoma State at Baylor
The Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest in the country.
I suspect they will need it when this is over…
COWBOY UP! 38-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
The Game is played annually for the Bucket of Nails..
That’s ironic…
Because this game will be the final nail in Coach K’s career at the Ville.
BEARKATS 34-17

Virginia Military Institute at Presbyterian
The weather is turning colder in the South…
So I have to go with..
BLUE HO’S 23-17

Iowa State at Nebraska
I know what you are thinking…
Last week I picked the Huskers to win and they lost…
I picked the Cyclones to lose and they won…
I won’t miss this week..
Believe it
HUSKERS 24-17

Clemson at Miami
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call me crazy if you want too…
It’s nothing I haven’t heard from “so called” mental health professionals
DABO’S TIGERS 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: Is it my fault all those ink pictures look like midgets riding possums with wings?
I think I made my point..

Ursinus at McDaniel College
This may not come as a surprise to many of you..
I was the kid in school that always got in trouble for laughing
When the teacher talked about the planet “Uranus…”
I don’t care who you are that’s just a funny word…
Forget I mentioned it…
URANUS 23-17

Louisiana Monroe at Kentucky
Unless I missed something here…
I think Monroe has a Kentucky ass whipping coming to him…
BIG BLUE CATS 38-14

Maryland at Duke
Last Night it was erroneously reported the Blue Devils had a “Big” Pep Rally in honor of this game.
I would like to clear up that misunderstanding for you readers.
Unfortunately the Pep Rally was for the “Math-a-maniacs” team, not the football team.
Sorry…
NINJA TURTLES 28-23

Wartburg at Dubuque
To be honest here
Warts make me want to Dubuque

Akron at Syracuse
Just for the record….
I still think Otto the Orange may be Fat Phil Fulmer…
Except slimmer…O’ ORANGE 31-24

South Florida at Pittsburgh
I wish this were an upset special….
But it won’t be….
And that’s No Bull..
PANTHERS 33-21

Oregon at Washington
Call it Prognosticators Intuition….
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUSKIES 23-21

Connecticut at West Virginia
You want to know what “victory” smells like in Morgantown.
Burning Couches…
Light em if you got em!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-17

Colorado at Kansas State
They should title this game “The Sybil Bowl”
Between these two teams there have to be at least a half-dozen personalities
WILDCATS 24-20

Illinois at Purdue
You know what Big Ten games mean right?
That’s right, another Big Rivalry for a Trophy!
This game is played for the “Purdue Cannon”
But more important…
The winner of this game…
Has the inside track on the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Dahlonega Georgia.
BOILERMAKERS 27-23

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
The Commodores are down and Steve’s Boys are destined to rebound….
GAMECOCKS 34-14

Texas A&M at Texas Tech
My Dear, Loyal Aggie faithful….
Do you want R.C. Slocum’s cell number?
Just wondering..
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-14

Minnesota at Ohio State
The Gophers may be O’ So Golden….
But the Buckeyes have a mean on this week….
BUCKEYES 34-10

Indiana at Northwestern
Another Big Ten Rivalry Game!
This Game is played for the “Prosthetic Eye of Newt”
I have no idea what Newt is going to do all year without his glass eye
HOMERS 24-20

UAB at Marshall
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please no more email question about Matthew McConaughey,
I cannot in good conscience give out my buddy’s personal information.

Northern Illinois at Miami (OH)
I am not trying to give anyway any secrets here…
But the winner of this game is a leading candidate for the prestigious
Toe Nail Fungus Bowl in Minot North Dakota.

Boston College at Notre Dame
This old rivalry has more trophies and titles than Carter has Liver Pills.
You don’t think so?
The Game is called “the Holy War”
It’s played for the “Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl” and “The Ireland Trophy”
They could simply this whole process if they just played this game for the coveted..
“Bejeweled Stick of Gout”
FIGHTN’ IRISH 38-17

Wake Forest at Navy
Congratulations to the Midshipmen
for last weeks win over my SMU Mustangs and receiving the “Gansz Trophy”
The pain still lingers for me….
MIDSHIPMEN 34-14

Air Force at Utah
Everybody knows I love those Falcons….
But my cousin Vinny Likes the Two Ute’s
TWO UTES 31-24

UCLA at Arizona
I was going to watch this game but I heard Wynonna Judd is going to wrestle a Black Bear on Pay-per-View.
I am sorry, that’s can’t miss entertainment.
Plus I hear they are going to wear sombreros
BRUINS 5-3

Iowa at Michigan State
YES! Another game for a “Trophy” in the Big Ten!
This one is played for the “Triangular Clump of Manure”
It’s prestigious..
EYES of the HAWK 24-20

Tulane at Southern Miss
Doesn’t the term “Green Wave” sound like somebody let their swimming pool go…
Maybe it’s just me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-17

Texas Christian at Brigham Young
This game promises to be a slug fest…
But the altitude and the Cougars can’t stop the horned amphibians.
HORNED FROGS 24-21

Southern Methodist at Houston
My Proud Ponies will keep this one close…
Real Close….
COUGARS 33-28

Oregon State at Southern California
Beaver Jim, your wish is my command sir…
I hope your plan works…
TROJAN$ 44-10

Auburn at LSU
Tigers and Tigers…..
But I am partial to Mike the Tiger….
Maybe it’s the name?
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-14

Arizona State at Stanford
The only good thing about this game..
Is the opportunity to show you evidence of the dumbest damn mascot in College Football

CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: For those of you wanting to object to my observation and believe Evergreen State has the dumbest mascot, they hold the distinction of the “grossest” mascot. Glad I could clear that up..
Thanks Beaver Jim for the disturbing photo..

Sunday October 25th

Boise State at Hawaii
This game reminds me that I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Damn It…
BRONCOS 38-14

Methodist at Averett
I can’t believe the Methodist are playing football on Sunday…
I bet Averett is a Methodist too.
This is sacrilegious, Sunday is for Professional Football
It’s in the Bible, Book of Landry, Look it up…

I understand Hootie will have an update next week on the status of his new restaurant
purchased with his “stimulus package”.
So stay tuned..

Have a Great Weekend

RTR
MEB

EDITORS NOTE: And by making the statement “much Like Willie Nelson……”
In no way infers that I will be riding around on a tour bus smoking marijuana, singing songs and eating Cheeto’s.

My friends I have to depart to less friendly shores for a few months…
but I want to assure you that although there will be a “slight” disruption to your weekly reading..
I want to reassure you all the Weekly Pick’s will be right on time.

Thank you for your patience

RTR
MEB

Unlike the MSN Fox Sports Southern California Trojan loving “writer” Lisa Horne
This article and subsequent College Football Picks will be in English, not Ebonics, Pig Latin
or any other damn guttural slang.

Her latest article was entitled….
“Who’s Gett’n Diss’d by the Polls”
I am assuming this means…
“Which college football teams are not getting any respect from the pollsters?”

Simply put…
If you look up “Dumbass” in Webster’s Dictionary
It says…
“See Lisa Horne”

EDITORS NOTE: Lisa Horne makes Hootie Snitch look like Bill Shakespeare.

Now on to this weeks Picks…

This weekend we have Homecoming at the Capstone..
The Red River Shoot Out…
And the Battle for the Jeweled Shillelagh..
Which I am assuming is better than the battle for the infected shillelagh.
That’s just a guess.

Last week we got back on track at 49 and 10 or a vastly improved 83%
Overall we moved up at 289 and 75 or a slight improvement to 79%.

We have a lot of games to cover this week, so let’s get to it.
But as a side note…
I sure wish I was in Big D at the Texas State Fair this Weekend…
It’s going to be something to see

Enjoy your games!

Wednesday October 14th

Boise State at Tulsa
Not that I have an “inside track” on this game..
I just feel real comfortable with this pick..
Trust me…
BRONCOS 28-21

Thursday October 15th

Cincinnati at South Florida
This game is going to be a dog fight from start to finish
But the Boys from Chili Town are too tough for the Bulls
BEARKATS 34-21

Delta State at North Alabama
Nobody doubts my love of Okra, fighting or fried.
But the Mighty Lions of Alabama are just that…
LIONS ROAR 33-14

Saturday October17th

Arkansas at Florida
I won’t doubt the power of the Gators or the courage of Superman again
MIGHTY GATORS 28-14

Valdosta State at Harding
What was Harding thinking scheduling this game?
Harding better stay out that cider, I believe it’s turned hard.
BLAZERS 38-10

South Carolina at Alabama
Homecoming at the Capstone
What I wouldn’t give to be in T-Town on Saturday…
I can almost smell that Dream Land BBQ from here…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

California at UCLA
Let’s face it…
I have been lousy as hell picking PAC 10 games lately.
So I was forced to do something drastic to change my luck
I listened to an entire Boy George CD….backwards.
GOLDEN BEARS 24-20

EDITORS NOTE: The pain I go through to satisfy some fans…

Ohio State at Purdue
The Boilermakers have the same chance of winning this game..
as Rosie O’Donnell does of being in Playboy magazine. Bovine Monthly maybe…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-13

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck will soon learn the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about.
FIGHTN’ TURKEYS 24-20

Arkansas – Monticello at West Alabama
I finally figured out why the Boll Weevil mascot looks so familiar…
My sister-in-law “having a bad hair day…”
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

Missouri at Oklahoma State
I have a question for the folks in Stillwater…
Where has the “Prairie Wind” touched you?
I’m just wondering..
COWBOY UP! 31-21

Texas Tech at Nebraska
Last year the Huskers “almost” won the game against the Red Raiders
There won’t be an “almost” this Saturday…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17

Kansas at Colorado
Please stop asking….
For the last time my sister-in-law is not be the “stunt” buffalo for Colorado.
She is busy filming the latest “Messing with Sasquatch” commercials.
Before you ask..
Yes, she got the “lead” part…
JAY of the HAWK 31-14

Georgia at Vanderbilt
The Big Dawgs break the chain this weekend…
Believe it
BAD DAWGS 33-13

Carson Newman at Lenoir Rhyne
I wonder if Lenoir is related to Leann Rhynes?
That gal is a home wrecker…
Not that it matters much here
SPARKS EAGLES 38-20

Delaware State at Michigan
There is no truth to the rumor..
that Coach Rod’s comment concerning the “ugly” game with Iowa
was a reference to having to set next to his wife on the plane trip back to Ann Arbor.
Glad I could clear that up…
WOLVERINES 54-0

Kentucky at Auburn
The Cats have one of the toughest schedules in the nation
It doesn’t get any better this weekend with the starting Cat quarterback out
Believe it
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-14

Ouachita Baptist at Southern Arkansas
I am still not really sure what an Ouachita Baptist is…
But I do know these fundamental truths about religion..
Jewish people don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah
Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as a deity
And we Baptists don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or at the Liquor store.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-17

Baylor at Iowa State
The cyclones can’t generate enough wind to make a decent popcorn fart.
BEARS 31-21

North Carolina State at Boston College
The Wolfpack lost to Duke last Saturday…
That’s the equivalent of a grown man being beaten up by a four year old
Enough said….
CHESTNUTT HILL EAGLES 28-14

MIT at West New England
I had no idea MIT had a football team…
I know when my wife’s cousin-in-law attended the Mississippi Institute of Technology
They had a tire treading competition and a dairy judging team.
Who knew they had a football team?
MISS TECH 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
When you read “Cousin-in-law”, you thought, “Next on Springer”

Virginia at Maryland
I don’t know what they have been feeding the ninja turtles lately
But they need to keep doing it…
NINJA TURTLES 24-14

Colgate at Georgetown
Honestly..
This game was just a placeholder to remind me I need to pick some toothpaste

Wake Forest at Clemson
I don’t know why….
But every time I hear “Demon Deacons”
I think of Jimmy Swaggart all liquored up jumping up and down on a motel room bed
Sorry for the visual..
DABO’S TIGERS 31-17

Texas A&M at Kansas State
I hope PETA doesn’t hear about this game…
Because the wildcats are going to get gigged this Saturday
GIG EM AGGIES 23-14

Sam Houston State at Southeastern Louisiana
Sam Houston is a Hero of the Texas Revolution…
That’s good enough for me…
SAM’S CLUB 43-10

Central Michigan at Western Michigan
I don’t know about you but until recently
I thought “Chippewa’s” referred to a fancy name for chipped beef on toast
CHIPPEWA’S 33-17

Oklahoma at Texas
Dallas Texas….
The Texas State Fair…
Big Tex…
The Midway….
The Cotton Bowl..
This is a grudge match of biblical proportions
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 31-27

Louisville at Connecticut
Cardinal fans, did I mention Tommy Tuberville would like to coach again?
You know he’s available right?
Now would be a good time to call him..
HUSKIES 28-17

Northwestern at Michigan State
Sparky has got more spark than a dyslexic electrician
Not really sure what that means, but it sounded good the first time I said it.
SPARTANS 33-27

Iowa at Wisconsin
This Big Ten matchup is played for another coveted trophy..
Aren’t they all?
“The Heartland Trophy”
This trophy kind of looks like a foot with four toes; which is weird.
HAWKEYES 24-14

UAB at Ole Miss
There is good news here for the Blazers..
They don’t have to drive very far to get their ass kicked
NUTTY REBELS 44-10

Miami (OH) at Ohio
This Battle in the Buckeye State is played for the highly coveted..
“Monkey Clump Trophy”
I think it’s sponsored by Purina
BOBCATS 24-21

Wyoming at Air Force
Last week I predicted the Cowboy upset…
This week they will just be upset….
FALCONS 33-14

Southern California at Notre Dame
This game is played each year for the Jeweled Shillelagh
But for me this game…
Is like trying to decide who to pull for in a war between Iran and Syria.
FIGHTING IRISH 33-28

Minnesota at Penn State
It’s like Joe Pa always says…
“O’ So Golden Gophers….The other white meat”
JOE’S LIONS 28-17

Houston at Tulane
The Green Wave haven’t seen a storm like this since Katrina
COUGARS 44-14

Rice at East Carolina
Rice has one of the finest aeronautical engineering programs in the country
Yeah, that won’t help them much this weekend
PIRATES 31-17

Chattanooga at Georgia Southern
The Eagles are beat up and the boys from Moccasin Bend are for real
This one may be over before it starts…
MOCCASINS 28-24

Marshall at West Virginia
Nothing is bigger this weekend in West “By God” Virginia
The Friends of Coal Bowl for the Governor’s Cup
This is serious business
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Colorado State at Texas Christian
I know the question that is on your minds…
Can the Rams beat the horned amphibians this weekend?
Does the Pope poop in the woods?
HORNED FROGS 27-14

Mississippi State at MTSU
The Smurf Raiders of Murfreesboro will be left Blue when this one is over.
BULLY DOGS 31-17

Hawaii at Idaho
I wish “Dog the Bounty Hunter” had his own cable channel
But sometimes I just wish for too much…
VANDALS 28-14

Brigham Young at San Diego State
This game will be close until the opening kickoff….
I’m serious it really will be…
COUGARS 38-14

Stanford at Arizona
The Cardinal is for real, but their mascot “tree” is dumb as hell.
What do you expect from California; go figure
CARDINAL 24-10

New Mexico State at Louisiana Tech
The Dogs have been screwing up my average each week like it’s their job
They better Bark up this weekend..
I mean it..
BULLDOGS 24-20

Illinois at Indiana
Another Big Ten game, another game for a “coveted” rivalry trophy
This game is played each year for the “Velvet Scooter”
I think it was originally donated by the Liberace Foundation
ILLI-NOISE 24-21

Memphis at Southern Miss
The Boys from Hattiesburg rebound this weekend against Elvis’s Tigers.
Thank you, thank you very much.
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

Citadel at Western Carolina
I don’t know what a Catamount is, but it sounds nasty.
BULLDOGS 28-24

Miami (FL) at Central Florida
Another Battle in the Land of Disney for supremacy of the Sunshine State
Well, more like whose Second Best actually…
HURRICANES 38-10

Navy at Southern Methodist
I wish this were an “upset special”
But it isn’t…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-24

Washington at Arizona State
The Devils from the Sun play more like the residents of Sun City
HUSKIES 24-14

Utah at UNLV
So these two Ute’s were in Vegas to see David Copperfield…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one…
UTES 38-10

Enjoy your games and have a great weekend…

More College Football news to follow…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

We have a serious problem in this country…
No, not that one, the “other” serious one….

No not that serious one, the “other” serious one…

I know this is going to bruise some feelings but this has to be addressed….
I am speaking of sports commentator’s ritual of “Inventing” words that do not exist.

Now it seems like everybody is getting on board…
Let’s face it folks….
Just because you say a word or make-up a name doesn’t make it so.
Case in Point….
Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted disease not a Swahili word for “beautiful flower”.
Say it all you want, name whoever you want that, it doesn’t change what the word really means.

Along these lines I am convinced CBS College Football Today is required to use the word “Trick-a-ration” three times an hour or they won’t get paid.
Use it all you want, guess what? It isn’t a damn word.
Same goes for the word “Fumble-roo-ski”.
Why do we have to put a polish spin on it? I don’t get it…
How about using the word “Trick Play” instead?
That phrase we understand.
Just for the record, each time I hear somebody on CBS College Football Today uses “Trick-a-ration” which in case you were wondering is used three times an hour even if the situation doesn’t warrant it, it makes my head want to pop off.

There are other words too you know what I am talking about, right?

Like “Phys-i-cal-a-ty”….
Guess what? That isn’t a damn word jackass.
A Player can be “physical” or he can demonstrate “physical play” but he doesn’t have “Phys-i-cal-a-ty”.
This is just plain stupid, but the commentators say it anyway don’t they?

Maybe this ridiculous trend all started with “American Idol”
and the glue sniffing Paula Abdul using the made up word “Mus-i-cal-a-ty”.
Which in case you were wondering isn’t a damn word, but was used by Paula in the following context; As in “His Mus-i-cal-a-ty” was so amazing, like the mus-i-cal-aty, was at the heart, you know?”

EDITORS NOTE: For full effect of the above word, please slur your words and roll your eyes while utilizing it in a sentence. It still won’t mean any damn thing; it will simply give other people watching additional elements of the absurd to laugh at..

The word “Amazing” in the above paragraph leads me to something else
The Over use of words

Everybody knows somebody that performed Mike Myers Austin Power’s imitations until you would flee in terror no matter where you saw him, church, grocery store, didn’t matter. You were out’a there…

EDITORS NOTE: For those of you that wondered why people conveniently went the other way when they saw you, I have some untimely news for you.
You were “that guy” mentioned above.
Sorry

That is how I feel about over used words and the people that use them…
Sounds like the title of my next book…
Like that would be so amazing, like it was simply amazing that I even thought about it you know?
Amazing that so many idiots can only use one word to describe a single event from the launching of the space shuttle which is still “Amazing” to Jessica Simpson’s new “Amazing” shoes which are not so amazing.

But I digress let’s get back to College Football….
It is important to note that people can provide information and be helpful..
but they cannot however be “Infor-mation-al”. What the hell does that even mean?

And while we are on the topic..
For the love of God, please stop using the term “Swagger”…
As in …
“We got our swagger back….”
“They really have some swagger out there Jim…”
“Where is their Swagger today Bob?”

I would rather hear your annoying friend..
dust off his Austin Powers “O’ Behave…”imitation than hear this overused term again.

Just so we agree…
“Swagger” is a product from Old Spice..
Not a catchy term for “Confidence” and even though I wish the terms were interchangeable, they are not.

And lastly….
As if this logic wasn’t difficult enough to follow…
Sports Commentators and College Football in general use words that we all believe have a single meaning, but in reality means something entirely different..
Case in point…
Most of us know what “suspended indefinitely” or “kicked off the team” means.

But at the University of Oregon, those terms mean something entirely different…
Those words actually mean “Three weeks”…
Who Knew?

More Later in the Week…
So Stay Tuned..

RTR
MEB

Much like the Oklahoma, Houston and Seminole fans last weekend…
Your favorite college football prognosticator will hence forth refer to last weekends games as..
The “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”.

I am sure the above fans will gladly agree with me on that point, but before I unveil my embarrassing statistics from the “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”, I want to offer my three favorite excuses for my lackluster performance.
1. The Sun was in my eyes while I was making the picks…
2. There is no doubt I had a rock in my shoe when I was making the picks last week..
3. Frankly, I don’t make very good decisions while I am on artificial turf….

And as a side note….
It doesn’t help that I am making the picks while wearing a leaf bag around my waist
Don’t ask…
You really don’t want to know…
Damn Kangaroo Flu…

Last week: 36 and 19 (Ouch!!!!!!) at 65%

Overall: 240 and 65 at 79% ( No comment….)

Enjoy the Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 8th

Nebraska at Missouri
MO knows offense, but the Huskers have the Black Shirts
This will be a good one to watch from start to finish
And the Victory Bell goes too…..
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Colgate at Princeton
I don’t care and neither should you
But it is nice to know they named a college after my favorite toothpaste

Arkansas Monticello at West Georgia
This is clearly my “Game of the Night”
The Wolves of West Georgia and the Mighty Boll Weevils of Arkansas
That’s right I said “Boll Weevils”…
Tell me this mascot doesn’t scare you…

Enough said….
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Also…
The Arkansas Boll Weevil mascot is called “Weezie”
Which is no relation to a character on the once popular television series “The Jefferson’s”
Just thought you should know…

North Greenville at North Alabama
The Mighty Lions of Florence Roar once again…
LIONS 34-17

Friday October 9th

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
I have counted the Bulldogs out of too many games this year and gotten bit every time.
Not this week…
BULLDOGS 31-17

Saturday October 10th

Colorado at Texas
Someone actually wrote me about this game last year and asked me…
“How were they supposed to distinguish..
between the respective schools mascots of a Buffalo and a Longhorn..
which one was actually my sister-in-law?”
That is so ridiculous, I can’t even believe it!
She was the one wearing flip-flops.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-14

Alabama at Ole Miss
This is going to be a tussle in the Grove from start to finish…
Believe it…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-23

Eastern Illinois at Penn State
There is only room for one Big Cat in this game..
And it ain’t the Panthers…
JOE PA’s LIONS 38-10

Wisconsin at Ohio State
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Delta State at West Alabama
The Tigers of West Alabama can’t handle the Fighting Okra….
Why you may ask?
Because they are “Fighting Okra”, that’s why….
FIGHTING OKRA 31-20

Baylor at Oklahoma
I wouldn’t take the Bears for granted in this game…
Or it will be Sooner, Later…
BOOMER SOONERS 24-17

The Citadel at Elon
I wish I had better news for the Bulldogs of the Military College of South Carolina
But I don’t…
THE CUBAN KID 31-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
Why someone thought it was a “good idea”…
to name their college after a bunion is beyond me, what’s next “Hemorrhoid Tech”?
Never mind, I believe that’s in California
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
I got some bad news for the fan’s from Chesnutt Hill..
The Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about…
HOKIES 33-17

Georgia Tech at Florida State
I never thought I would see the day that Coach Bobby would be on the hot seat…
But after this week, he will have both cheeks firmly planted on it.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Florida A&M at Miami
Leroy Vann is faster than the Rattler’s namesake….
But that won’t save him from the eye of the Hurricane
HURRICANES 34-10

Houston at Mississippi State
Bulldog Jim, I wish I had better news my friend….
I am afraid the Cats have a mean on…
COUGARS 31-23

Chattanooga at Samford
I used to know a Sam Ford once…
He was a horse’s ass….
MIGHTY MOCCASINS 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas
Both of these teams are heading in the same direction…
No where…
HAWKS of JAY 23-17

Susquehanna at Rochester
Susie and Rocky?
Sounds like the basis for Rocky VIX
Never mind….
SUSIE 21-17

Georgia at Tennessee
Both teams are beaten up and badly in need of a win…
This is going to be one heck of a game….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 28-23

EDITORS NOTE: I know it pains me to say this…
But it’s getting more difficult each week to criticize Coach Lane Kiffin
When Coach Phil was at Beacon Hill..
“Discipline” and the football team went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.
Coach Lane won’t tolerate any foolishness from the players..
and will dismiss them from the team in a New York minute.
Believe that?
Under Coach Phil’s watch Tennessee players used to stroll to games like they bought their clothes from “Thugs or Us”, once a volunteer player even wore a loin cloth to the game, true story.
And now the players have to wear coats and ties to games and leave their Mr. T starter kits at home.
I have even noticed a change in some Volunteer fans…
What is going on?
Doesn’t Coach Lane realize this hurts my column?

Georgia Southern at North Carolina
The Eagle has been grounded…..
HEELS of TAR 38-10

Auburn at Arkansas
This game has all the potential to be a Barn Burner..
No Pun intended..
RAZORBACKS 33-24

Harding at Ouachita Baptist
I am not sure what an “Ouachita” Baptist does…
Unless they are the folks that handle rattlesnakes during a service
Harding better watch himself, those things will bite you…
SNAKE HANDLING BAPTIST 38-10

Oregon at UCLA
I would rather play nude twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game…
QUACKS 6-5

EDITORS NOTE: Like I wasn’t sick enough with the Kangaroo Flu….
I had to make myself throw up over that comment…

Southern Miss at Louisville
Coach K and the Cardinals are down and they ain’t getting up…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Cardinal Fans take note….
Coach Tommy Tuberville is lounging in Alabama right now looking for a job..
I know he has the personality of a Jackass eating briars….
But the boy can spell “Defense”….
Just a thought…

Duke at North Carolina State
The winner of this semi-bitter instate rivalry receives coupons to Burger King.
I am not sure if that includes a complimentary decorative paper crown
More on this story as it develops.
WOLFPACK 31-28

Maryland at Wake Forest
This game features amphibians and televangelists…
I honestly have no idea which team is going to show up for this one..
The truth is…
They don’t either…
NINJA TURTLES 23-17

West Virginia at Syracuse
I was asked to say something “positive” and “uplifting” about the Orange this week.
O.K., here goes…
You all don’t suck as bad as you did last year..
How’s that?
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Stanford at Oregon State
I would rather watch my wife’s uncle Todd’s colonoscopy video (again..)
In it’s entirety…
Than watch another PAC 10 game…
CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering…
The video is kind of like the 1950’s version of “Journey to the Center of the Earth”

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
Interesting fact….
When Coach Lou Holtz has said the above schools names in quick succession…
He has actually blinded Mark May in spit…
PANTHERS 28-24

Southern Nazarene at Southwest Baptist
In case you were wondering there will be a Baptism
Following today’s game…
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 23-17

Muhlenberg at Juniata
If I was the M’ Guy here, I would watch myself…
I hear Juanita’s septic tank backed up last week and she is madder than hell
JUANITA 31-14

Indiana at Virginia
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question..
“Would they still have a college football game if no spectators came?”
CAVALIERS 17-13

Arizona at Washington
The “W” on the Huskies helmets better stand for “Win” this weekend..
or I am off the dog’s bandwagon. Yes, I mean it this time.
HUSKIES 24-10

Arizona State at Washington State
These two teams together couldn’t beat a hot dog….
DEVILS of the SUN 17-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
The Wildcats are tough….
But Coach Steve has their number…
Always has…
GAMECOCKS 31-17

Kansas State at Texas Tech
Maybe Coach Snyder could get the Wildcats motivated..
If he wore a cape and a mask on the sidelines.
I don’t know if it would help, but it sure would be funny, wouldn’t it?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-17

Miami (OH) at Northwestern
This game will be a lot closer than you might think…
That is until the National anthem is over…
WILDCATS 33-10

Purdue at Minnesota
This ancient Big Ten rivalry is played for something I can’t quite pronounce..
But it looks like a giant Tootsie Roll..
Or it could be a Donkey Turd…
I’m not really sure…
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Heidelberg at Ohio Northern
I bet Ole Heidelberg wears lederhosen and a funny hat when nobody’s looking
Enough said…
POLAR BEARS 21-7

Vanderbilt at Army
Some people in the SEC are quick to dismiss the Commodores..
But if they were in the PAC 10 they would be the second best team in the conference
No worse than third anyway…
Believe it…
‘DORES 28-14

Michigan State at Illinois
This Big Ten rivalry is played each year…
for the coveted “Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”, because frankly, nobody cares.
SPARTANS 27-24

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
The good news is…
Because this game is in Michigan, the Eagles don’t have far to go to get their ass kicked.
CHIPPEWA’S 28-23

New Mexico at Wyoming
I don’t know if I would go as far as calling this an “upset special”..
But the Cowboy’s are due….
COWBOY UP! 20-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
I have some “Good News” and some “Not so good news” here..
The “Good” news is the Aggie Corps of Cadet Marching Band…
Is one of the finest college marching bands in the country.
The Aggie War Hymn will give your goose bumps, goose bumps.
The “Not so” good news is the Cowboys are riding into town…
THE COWBOYS 38-17

Texas Southern at Rutgers
The TSU “Motion of the Ocean” – “Ocean of Soul” Marching Band
Is really something to see, unfortunately their football team isn’t.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 44-10

Navy at Rice
The Midshipmen are tough, fast and well coached.
The Owls have one of the best baseball teams in the country.
Yeah, that won’t help them much here..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Henderson State at Valdosta State
The folks from Henderson are known as the “Reddies”
Which I find to be discriminatory against blondes and brunettes
Damn racists…
BLAZERS 33-10

Marshall at Tulane
I still believe in the Thundering Herd…
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-17

Utah at Colorado State
Did you know that if you spell “Rams” backward you get “Smar”…
Not that it’s all that important here…
TWO UTES 33-24

Peru College at Lincoln (MO)
Although I have never been a fan of Lincoln, I think it is inherently wrong that a university from another country is playing college football against a team from the Heartland of America.
MO knows FOOTBALL 24-20

Ohio at Akron
Seriously, what is a “Zip” and why is their mascot a damn kangaroo?
I’ll never understand Yankees..
BOBCATS 24-23

Texas Christian at Air Force
The horned amphibians are lucky as well as good….
That’s a bad combination..
HORNED FROGS 31-17

Florida at LSU
Saturday Night in Death Valley….
For an opposing team there is nothing like it….
It’s what the Christians in the roman coliseum must have felt like before they released the..
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 23-21

UTEP at Memphis
Before last weekend I would have said U-Who?
But after outlasting the Houston Cougars last Saturday night
MIGHTY MINERS 34-23

Eastern Carolina at Southern Methodist
Despite my disappointment last week with the Ponies…
Much like Steve McQueen…
I still believe in the power of the Mighty Mustangs….
MUSTANGS 28-24

Michigan at Iowa
This classic Big Ten matchup is played for “The Old Lobster Bib”
Not really, I just made that up, but you have to admit…
It’s a better idea than the “Skank Witch Trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 28-23

Brigham Young at UNLV
The Rebels have a good chance of winning this game…
If Brigham Young misses their flight to Vegas…
COUGARS 38-10

Sunday October 11th

Fresno State at Hawaii
Have I mentioned lately that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is on A&E on Wednesday nights?
I love those guys…
BULLDOGS 33-24

Tomorrow I will have something for the disgruntled Georgia Fan…
I wonder, could it be the names and addresses of the referees from last weeks Georgia – LSU game?

Next week Hootie Snitch will discuss his request for a stimulus package to open his “new” restaurant.

Stay tuned

Enjoy your games this weekend…

RTR
MEB

For the long time devoted readers of this column as well as for those of you that surf through or take a glance at the picks once a week, I want to thank you for your passion and devotion to college football and your respective teams.

I encourage debate, disagreement and on an occasion open hostility.
I enjoy the fire, fury and passion and all the pageantry that surrounds college football.

This column began once upon a time as a single page of “Picks” of college football games on a Microsoft word document with my “commentary” associated with each game forwarded around an office on an Air Force base in “Baja” Alabama.

I hope some of you will remember those days and smile.
I really appreciate all those guys and gals that encouraged me and kept this going.

This little college football column has survived moves, terrorism and war zones.

It has since grown to a website that is read by more than a few people from coast to coast and follows our military boys and girls and contractors wherever they may roam.

I get a great deal of satisfaction and joy knowing that so many people enjoy the College Football Wizard and my irreverent humor. And I hope on the rarest of occasions, you learn something that perhaps you didn’t know about the sport we love so much.

Many of you have been kind enough to convey those very thoughts and I greatly appreciate it, more than you might know.
But, this isn’t about fishing for compliments.

I am not nor have I ever been a journalist major in school.
I was never that intelligent as my articles clearly demonstrate.
I recognize I often write as though English were my “second” language behind my Southern euphemisms.
I won’t apologize for that.

So in my haste to get an article on the wire, there will be the occasional misspelled word or unstructured sentence.
I am sorry if that upsets anyone’s sensibilities.

In case you are just joining us…

I detest the Politically Correct crowd and the Nazis at the NCAA and all their bullying ways. I believe those that preach tolerance are traditionally the most intolerant people on the planet. I will not miss an opportunity to poke them in the eyes over their absurd actions and discrimination towards my beloved South.
I won’t apologize for that either.

I will continue to point out the bias of the NCAA and the National Sports media when it comes to the reporting and prosecution of such schools as the University of Southern California.
If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I know the Southeastern Conference and the Big 12 and to a lesser degree the Big Ten rule the College Football landscape, no matter what the television talking heads would have you believe.
It’s how it is….

I like tradition, not change for the sake of change or because somebody claims to have their feelings hurt.
If you live long enough, you are going to have your feelings stomped on like a winepress time and time again. It’s just the way it is….

I say all of that to simply say this…
If you are member of the “We know how to fix you poor dumb Southerners” crowd, don’t bother reading my articles or sending me emails or suggestions.
Because despite the fact I am a proud Southerner, I am neither poor nor dumb.
We may speak slowly, but we don’t think slowly.
Nor when the mood strikes us do we move slowly.

If it makes you feel superior to point out my inconsistencies in grammar, well good for you.
At least I still write better than Hootie Snitch.

If you want to call me a racist or a bigot, well that’s fine too.
We Southerners have endured far worse.

I write this column because it’s a labor of love for me.
I don’t do this for fame or money..
Although I am up for the prestigious Collard Greens Award again this year.
I write this for you…
Because you derive joy from it or something close to it and get the occasional laugh.

I will continue to be the College Football Wizard for as long as I am able and you all still enjoy it.

Not sure why I decided to share this with you all.
Maybe it’s because I am particularly stung by the personal attacks I received this past week.
Maybe it’s this kangaroo flu I am fighting.
I know it’s the kangaroo flu and not the bird or swine version..
because I have to hop to the bathroom to keep from pooping in my fur.

And lastly, I appreciate your encouragement, comments and rants. Keep them coming.

Your Picks will be out tomorrow.

RTR
MEB

This week we have Battles over Wagon Wheels, Iron Skillets and Slabs of Bacon..

EDITORS NOTE: Not all together…..
Although they make a nice combo if you were out on the range

We have Lions, Tigers, and Bears and Fighting Okra…
Tussling over a variety of Paul Bunyan memorabilia, Mittens and a Victory Bell..
While others duke it out on Tobacco Road for bragging rights.

It’s that time of the year…..
Rivalries are in Season…

If you are keeping count and I know you are…..
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 44 and 12 or 79%
That leaves us at 204 and 46 of 82% thus far in the season…

Enjoy!

THE GAMES

Wednesday September 30th

Hawaii at Louisiana Tech
I feel really confident about this pick…
Call it “Prognosticators Intuition”….
BULLDOGS 27-6

Thursday October 1st

Colorado at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb in a few years.
Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-20

Valdosta State at Delta State
Who doesn’t love a Fighting Okra?
My point exactly…
FIGHTN’ OKRA 27-23

Friday October 2nd

Pittsburgh at Louisville
Papa John Stadium is a mighty tough place to play in when the sun goes down
Johnny, this one is for you…
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
CARDINALS 24-21

Utah State at Brigham Young
This particular game is played for the “Old Wagon Wheel”
But is only part of the bigger prize known as the Battle for the Beehive Boot
But I have question..
Wouldn’t that hurt if you put your foot in a boot full of bees?
Just wondering…
COUGARS 38-17

Saturday October 3rd

Alabama at Kentucky
In the immortal words of Steely Dan in Deacon Blues…
“They have a name for the winners in the world…
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide”
CRIMSON TIDE 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure they were referring to football in this particular song…
Because if it was basketball, then they would have mentioned Kentucky

Arkansas Tech at North Alabama
I can hear the Lion’s Roaring from here…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
Sometimes I feel like a Nutt….
And this would be one of those times…
REBELS 24-21

Georgia Southern at Wofford
It doesn’t matter who Coach’s there…
The boys from Statesboro will always be….
ERK’S EAGLES 31-14

Penn State at Illinois
I made a key error in my Picks last week…
Last week I stated:
“I have on good authority that Joe Pa intends to harness the power of the sun
through his reading glasses and roast the Hawkeyes”
Little did I know…
The game was at night and Joe Pa did not have the Solar Panel 2500 mounted to his reading glasses.
That was my mistake….
There will be no such oversight this week…
Roast the Fighting Pumpkins Joe Pa!
JOE PA’S LIONS

LSU at Georgia
This game will be a shoot out from start to finish…
Hold on to your seats boys and girls
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-28

Oklahoma at Miami
Since Utah is off this weekend..
I am under artistic obligation to state the following concerning this particular game…
I hope the two Ute’s that drive the Boomer Sooner wagon are careful this Saturday
Because they will be driving it around the stadium all afternoon
BOOMER SOONER 38-14

Austin Peay at Tennessee Tech
I don’t care that Austin peed all by himself!
Why name a college after something like that?
What’s next, Urinal Cake State?
This is disgusting
PEABODY 28-10

Virginia Tech at Duke
This game will be like pistol whipping a blind kid…
HOKIES 43-3

Georgia Tech at Mississippi State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
More Cow Bell!!!!!
Believe it Bully!
BULLDOGS 24-20

Virginia at North Carolina
This game is known as the “South’s Oldest Rivalry”
The contest between the two schools dates back to 1892
Who doesn’t love a grudge that has festered for over a hundred years?
TAR HEELS 23-17

Michigan at Michigan State
This semi-bitter instate rivalry is entitled…
“The Battle for the Mitten”

EDITORS NOTE: No, I didn’t make that up

With the “Winner” walking away with the “Paul Bunyan Trophy”
Not sure if the trophy includes Paul’s big blue ox “Babe”
I will continue to monitor the situation as it develops
WOLVERINES 33-24

EDITORS NOTE: There is no truth to the rumor…
This trophy was being replaced by a clay replica of Coach Rod’s Wife.
It is my understanding that the proposed “Skank Witch” Trophy
was deemed “inappropriate” by the Big Ten.
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding

Texas A&M at Arkansas
This rivalry that began in 1903 was once known as the “Southwest Classic”
Now it has been reduced to an “out of conference game” for both teams
That makes me sad…
RAZORBACKS 24-21

Oregon State at Arizona State
This game is between the Sun Devils and the Beavers in the Valley of the Sun
This reminds me of a joke….
So stop me if you’ve heard this one…
These two Ute’s walk into a bar and setting there is the Devil and a Beaver…
And the One Ute says, “Hey, now that’s a nice Beaver…”
Never mind this going to get ugly…
SUN DEVILS 24-20

UCLA at Stanford
I would rather…..
Listen to Leonard Nimoy sing Led Zeppelin’s Greatest Hits than watch this game.
BRUINS 28-24

EDITORS NOTES: Just thinking about that made my ears bleed

Juniata at McDaniel College
Ole Danny Mac better have his head on a swivel..
I hear Juanita is in a foul mood…
JUANITA 33-17

Florida State at Boston College
I have no idea which one of these teams is going to show up
My Guess?
SEMI-NOLES 24-17

Clemson at Maryland
The rules here are simple….
A Tiger can beat a turtle…
I have seen enough of the Animal Planet to know that much…
DABO’S TIGERS 23-14

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This game is played annually for the coveted..
“Paul Bunyan’s Ax” and “a Slab of Bacon”….
I don’t know what the deal is this week about all the Paul Bunyan references
Unless it’s his birthday?
Not really sure how the tasty pork product fits into this equation…
Never mind….
O’ SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-21

Susquehanna at Merchant Marine Academy
It doesn’t surprise me that Susie decided to play the Merchant Marines
She always did love a man in uniform….
MARINERS 34-28

North Carolina State at Wake Forest
This War on Tobacco Road has been going on forever…
I bet the argument started over liquor…
Don’t they all?
WOLFPACK 23-17

Arkansas State at Iowa
I don’t know if you’ve seen the Iowa mascot…
“Herky the Hawkeye”?
That things head is almost as big as Wynonna Judd’s
Notice I said “almost”
HAWKEYES 38-10

Washington State at Oregon
This game is played for a trophy that looks eerily similar to Oprah Winfrey’s ass.
Not really I just made that up…
But that would be funny as hell wouldn’t it?
QUACKERS 33-10

South Carolina State at South Carolina
This game is going to get crazy ugly….
GAMECOCKS 53-10

Auburn at Tennessee
This story has very little to do with the game….
But it is simply too good not too share…
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice…
So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said…
“You graduated from the University of Tennessee right?
I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000 dollars minus 11%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment…
Then replied, “Everything but my earrings..”
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-17

South Florida at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him Saturday…
Believe it…
NO BULL 38-7

Carson Newman at Mars Hill
Thank goodness Coach Spark’s boys are playing Mars Hill this weekend…
If they were playing Uranus Tech…
I could take up the entire column with off color jokes and inappropriate antidotes.
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-21

East Carolina at Marshall
This game has a lot of meaning for many of us….…
The Pirates were the last team the Thundering Herd played on 14 November 1970
Before the plane crash claimed the lives of the son’s of Marshall University.
I won’t forget it, and neither should you.
Whatever game you watch this weekend…
When you see the score ticker run across the bottom of your television screen..
Pull for those current son’s of Marshall….
You will feel better for it, I promise
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24

Tulane at Army
Every time I hear “Green Wave” I think about a leaky septic tank…
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-21

Hope at Trine
This first thing I thought was….
“I Hope I have Trine to make it to Homecoming this year…”
HOPE 24-10

Northwestern at Purdue
Frankly I am surprised…
We have another Big Ten game without any mention of Paul Bunyan
BOILERMAKERS 31-28

Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
The “Victory Bell” is at stake in this contest….
As opposed to the “Horribly Embarrassing Defeat Bell”
Nobody really wants that one…
BEARKATS 34-17

Ohio Northern at Muskingum
I cannot believe they named a college after a gum disease
I guess it’s still better than Halitosis Tech
Never mind…
POLAR BEARS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note….
If you think I have been wrong all these years about Yankees…
Living ten miles from the Arctic Circle, then why would they name their team the “Polar Bears”?
Coincidence? I think not…

Kansas State at Iowa State
I have a safety tip for you…
If you hear David Hasselhoff scream “Awesome!”
Three times in a row in quick succession your head will explode.
CYCLONES 17-10

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t ask me how I know about the above claim
Just take my word for it…
But I will tell you the test involved a hamster.

Washington at Notre Dame
I don’t have any idea which Dog’s are going to show up
Will it be the Mighty Washington Huskies or the Hollywood Chihuahua’s?
I am guessing this one will be close….
Real close…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Central Michigan at Buffalo
Two things I learned from watching movies about the American West…
One: Many Native Americans used buffalo as a major food source in the Western frontier
Two: John Wayne was a bad ass
I think Number One applies here..
CHIPPEWA’S 38-10

Wisconsin Oshkosh at Wisconsin Lacrosse
One thing I know for certain about this game…
There will be a lot people there that talk funny..
OSHKOSH BY GOSH 24-20

Memphis at Central Florida
This Conference USA battle is taken very seriously…
The Boy’s from Orlando have vowed this week…
To give Memphis the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney if they lose to the Tigers…
Well, look at the bright side…
It’s not like they are gambling with the Magic Castle
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-21

Air Force at Navy
This game will be a brawl for the Commander in Chief’s Trophy.
These boys will all play until the final whistle blows…
Believe that…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-31

Ohio at Bowling Green
In this Buckeye State Battle I will go with Coach Frank’s Cats
BOBCATS 28-17

Colorado State at Idaho
As I chronicled earlier in the week…
Mr. Potato Head only “has eyes” for that trashy Zelda Zucchini
Thought that up myself…
VANDALS 28-24

Ohio State at Indiana
I don’t know if the Hoosiers would have been better off..
If they would have taken my advice on accepting the sponsorship of a “major” chicken wing franchise
but I do know their cheerleaders would have gotten a lot better looking.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-17

Kent State at Baylor
This is for the folks from “Protest U” that may be traveling to the game in Texas
Don’t get Wacko in Waco or you will wind up in Jail ’O
BEARS 43-10

New Mexico at Texas Tech
It’s time for Tech’s Saddle Tramps and High Riders
To get back on that horse and….
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-23

Tulsa at Rice
The Tulsa mascot looks like the Elephant man stuck his head in a Hornets nest…
What does that have to do with a Hurricane that is Golden?
I have no idea..
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-24

Southern California at California
I have a question for those folks from California “The Home of Diversity”
If someone from Ghana married a person from Korea…
Would their children be Gonorrhean’s?
Just wondering…
GOLDEN BEARS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Coach Pete….
How’s that Dog Bite?

California Davis at Boise State
Cal Davis are known as the “Aggies”
But I like to think of them as another victim of the “Blue Monster”
BRONCO’S 44-10

Southern Methodist at Texas Christian
This is the “Battle for the Metroplex”
The game has been played every year since 1925 for the “Iron Skillet”
In the Dallas – Fort Worth area it doesn’t get any bigger than this on Saturday
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Southern Miss at UAB
I don’t know why the Boy’s from Birmingham have a Dragon as a mascot…..
There aren’t any “dragons” in Birmingham and certainly not in Alabama
But I did have this blind date once in Trussville…
Forget I mentioned it
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-14

New Mexico State at San Diego State
This promises to be the best game on ESPN U at 0200 EST…
Believe it!
AGGIES 20-17

Houston at UTEP
The Big Cats from Cow Town are for Real…
You don’t think so?
They have more conference wins in Conference USA and the Big 12 than any other team
COUGARS 38-17

More next week….
So stay tuned

Enjoy your games ….

RTR
MEB

I hope that you did not see the unspeakable tragedy that took place on Saturday.
For those of you with children that witnessed the horror
I can only pray the therapy bills will not be too expensive
and the little ones will overcome the scars of what their young impressionable eyes saw that day.

Who would have thought something so terrible would be witnessed on live television.

For those of you that are not familiar with the terrible turn of events that took place this past Saturday
I will briefly describe them for you, because they are too awful to have a visual image available on this forum.

The scene was the CBS pregame College Football Sports Studio in New York City
A young lady, Samantha Ryan was the “host” of the program, along with Brian Jones and former Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer.

Until the toxicology report is released we won’t know for sure….
But it appeared from the outset of the program that Phil Fulmer was particularly agitated..
Some have speculated that this was caused from “coming down” off an extensive Krispy Kreme “high”.
Others have stated this was the result of long term bingeing on Bear Claws and other assorted goodies from said donut franchise.

None the less
What transpired was of such a heinous nature that I will have difficulty accurately portraying the events as they unfolded.

As the program progressed and the various games of the day discussed…
Eventually the topic turned to the CBS College Football Game of the Week.

The University of Arkansas at The University of Alabama

As Ms Ryan and Brian Jones discussed the game, Phil Fulmer became visibly aggravated and uncomfortable, particularly when the two discussed Coach Nick Saban and the success of the Crimson Tide.

In an attempt to get Coach Fulmer involved in the conversation about the Arkansas – Alabama game…..
The two tried to encourage Phil Fulmer to say something “nice” or “positive” about the University of Alabama.

At first Phil Fulmer appeared as a petulant child crossing his arms, sticking his lower lip out and shaking his head back and forth as if he were five years old and being asked to take his cough syrup.

While Phil was pouting and looking as if he was going to cry
Brian Jones looked across the studio and shrugged his shoulders at the director, as if to say, “I don’t know what’s going on”
Then all hell broke loose….

Phil Fulmer went into a rage that hasn’t been seen since the release of Jurassic Park

Before anyone on the set or in the studio could react, Phil Fulmer attacked Ms Ryan like a crazed Tyrannosaurus. At first chewing only her head, but then attempted to devour her entire anorexic model like body, all the while manically screaming….
“Get in my Belly!”

I can still hear the screams in my sleep…

Fortunately for Ms. Ryan an Animal Control Officer that just gotten off work was in the studio audience and through his quick actions was able to fire over a dozen tranquilizing darts into Phil Fulmer, thus saving Ms Ryan’s life and the reputation of CBS Sports.

I feel like the reporter that witnessed the crash of the Hindenburg….

I can still see Phil’s foaming mouth and protruding belly flopping around the CBS Sports Studio as he grasped for Ms Ryan’s ankles with his meaty claw like hands.

O’ The Humanity!

No word yet on the condition of Ms Ryan or Mr. Jones who was visibly distraught
or Coach Phil Fulmer who is currently being held at the Bronx Zoo undergoing further testing

Later this week
I will have news on Florida State’s quest to be the Fifth Best team in the State of Florida
and a recap of the weekend’s games.

And as always….
Your College Football Picks for Week 5

So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Well little did I know…
Cause I didn’t read the mail they sent me concerning the name of my restaurant.
It might have said something about “infringement” but that word sounded made up to me.

Anyways, where do you think the other Hooters is headquartered?
Go ahead and guess?
In Damn Florida!
So here I was in the midst of celebrating during the big game..
1st quarter I believe it was..
I mean we got Volunteer fans from all over Baneberry in the trailer..
Watching the game and hooting it up, if you know what I mean!

Then all of a sudden I hear this Beeping sound….
You know like a big ole truck makes when it’s backing up.
I figured since we put signs up on the truck route about the “Volunteer Victory Party” at HOOT-R’s
that we had some truckers pull in here for a cold one to watch the game.

Then every thing started happening slow motion like…
Everybody felt a bump in the trailer, you know like somebody done backed into it…
But what was really happening is them damn Gator Loving people from the other Hooter’s
Done hooked a eighteen wheel tractor to my damn restaurant and started to drive off with it!
I ain’t kidding neither, they done it!

Well as soon as that Truck pulled off the lot with my damn restaurant
Everybody went flying ass over tea kettle towards the back of the damn trailer!
Muskrat nuggets and Possum wings, beer you name it…
Was all flying around in there like something out of one of them Henry Potter Movies!

So while we was moving down the road…
And all us layed up in the back of the trailer in a big ole pile trying to untangle ourselves…
We heard this creaking noise, you know like right before something is a’gonna break.
Well right about then…
The ass end fell out of that trailer….
and we went scattering down the road in a heap of Muskrat BBQ sauce, Beer and God knows what else.
I tell you it was a hell of a damn mess!
Glad that ole boy wasn’t up to speed yet and we was all drunk as a bunch of skunks
or somebody could have gotten seriously hurt.

So there we was….
In a nasty ass mess, skint’ from head to toe and spread down the road..
Smelling like ass and wet cornflakes with me watching my restaurant drive off in the distance.
It wasn’t till we all got out of the emergency room that I heard the Volunteers lost the damn game.
Which makes me think this is one of them conspiracies.
So I am madder than a woodpecker at steel post convention…
The Volunteers done lost the game to them Gators…
My restaurant, or what’s left of it is probably passing through Macon Georgia about now.
Here’s a phone picture of my damn restaurant somebody sent me at the Flying J Truck Stop outside of Chattanooga.
Breaks my heart to see it…

And now I got a bunch of drunks wanting to sue me for “negligence” or something like that.

It sucks to be me about now, just wanted yawl to know.

GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

I know there were a lot of surprises last week…
I also I know that I missed a good deal of my picks and upset specials..

We could “What if” this all day and speculate about a myriad of outcomes.
For example..
“What if” Spartacus had a Piper Cub?
Or “What if” Caesar had a Cessna?

There is no sense in speculating any longer
It’s time we move on to this week’s challenges

But in case you were wondering…
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was
47 and 15 or a subpar 76% and currently for the season we are 160 and 34 or 82%.

Enjoy your games!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 24th

Ole Miss at South Carolina
This game will be a lot closer than people might think….
It all depends if Coach Steve’s Defense decides to show up…
REBELS 27-23

Friday September 25th

Missouri at Nevada
This epic struggle is the equivalent of a “Dance Off” between
Danny Terrio and Adrian Zmed….
Yes, it’s that serious
MO’S TIGERS 38-17

Saturday September 26th

Florida at Kentucky
I was awfully close to calling this one an upset special….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Washington State at Southern California
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game
TROJAN$ 134-0

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Pete how’s that Dog Bite?

Arkansas at Alabama
A powerful Razorback Offense against a Daunting Tide Defense
It should be a good one…
CRIMSON TIDE 23-21

Newberry at Carson Newman
I am more of a Mayberry man myself…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-20

Illinois at Ohio State
I got several emails this past week from Fighting Illini fans
telling me they are “Going to bring the Illini – noise” down on the Buckeyes
Good Luck with that….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-17

Miami at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
The Canes get Wang’d in Blacksburg…
Believe it…
HOKIES 24-23

Wofford at Chattanooga
You want to know what is good for a pesky cough?
A good swift kick in the butt with a pair of…
MOCCASINS 28-23

LSU at Mississippi State
This game features Cats and Dogs…..
Now there is a football tussle worth watching….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

Arizona State at Georgia
The Devils from the Sun are used to the Heat..
But not the Humidity….
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS 38-24

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
If you ever go to a Tech game..
and don’t take the time to go to the Varsity…
For one of the world’s greatest chili dogs and an order of hand cut French fries..
Then you are clearly a damn communist.
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17

Texas Christian at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
The Tigers will play their hearts out on Saturday
Believe it….
DABO’S TIGERS 24-21

South Florida at Florida State
The Bulls lost their starting quarterback last week for the season..
Not that it would make any difference here…
SEMINOLES 43-17

Wartburg at Loras College
Kids with warts tussle with some youngsters with a topical skin fungus…
This will be disgusting….
WARTS 28-10

Ball State at Auburn
Didn’t David Letterman graduate from Ball State?
Yeah, that really won’t matter here…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 54-10

North Alabama at Harding
The Lions of Florence are roaring once again…
ROARING LIONS 33-23

Army at Iowa State
Tornado’s and Divorces have a lot in common in Iowa…
In the end some guy always loses a trailer..
CYCLONES 24-17

Minnesota at Northwestern
How did the people of Minnesota determine that their Gopher was “Golden”?
How did the conversation start?
Did it go something like this…
“Dude, I can’t believe that thing got out of the road in time..
Man, that Gopher is Golden”
I still don’t get it…
O’ So GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24

Franklin Marshall at Juniata
Frank should know better than to tussle with Juanita when she is PM-sing.
JUANITA 33-14

Wake Forest at Boston College
This Game could easily be entitled “The Forrest Gump” game
Because much like a box of chocolates…
You never know what you are going to get in this contest
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 23-17

Georgia Southern at Elon
By the time this one is over that little Cuban kid will know all the words too
“Statesboro Blues”
EAGLES 31-23

Rutgers at Maryland
This game will be like watching two old people fight…
At First it’s kind of funny…
Then it’s just sad…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 21-17

West Alabama at Valdosta State
Honestly, this one had me at “Alabama”
TIGERS 31-28

Stony Brook at Massachusetts
I don’t really care who wins this game…
But I will tell you this…
If you are looking for a quick getaway or weekend vacation
There is no better place to stay than with the fine folks of the Stony Brook Lodge and Chalets
Located in scenic Gatlinburg.
Give Ed and Pam a call
And tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you.
You will be glad you did..
http://stonybrooklodging.com/

Maine at Syracuse
If you don’t think the Syracuse mascot is scary..
Then you haven’t seen the “new” Otto the Orange.
It looks like Phil Fulmer after a three day Krispy Kreme Bear Claw binge.
OTTO the ORANGE 24-14

Arizona at Oregon State
Much like Jerry Mathers…
I still believe in the Power of the Beaver
BEAVERS 38-27

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
You thought I was going to say something nasty here, didn’t you?
Shame on you, this is a family column.

Michigan State at Wisconsin
Cue the annoying “Jump Around” music…..
THE POWER OF VELVEETA 28-24

Ohio at Tennessee
I have Safety Tip
For the folks from Ohio visiting OBKnoxville this weekend for the game.
The term “Fast Food” has an entirely different meaning in Volunteer Country.
That term usually refers to someone that just hit a deer at 75 miles an hour.
VOWELS 44-10

Southern Miss at Kansas
Remember the part in “Wizard of Oz” were the Flying Monkeys tore apart the Scarecrow?
Yeah, this game will be a lot like that…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-28

Rhode Island at Connecticut
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for any team whose entire existence is predicated on a lie.
Rhode Island is not an Island.
Enough said….
HUSKIES 34-0

Indiana at Michigan
Hoosier Daddy?
WOLVERINES 38-17

Fresno State at Cincinnati
Despite the fact I haven’t received any Gold Star or Sky Line Chili from the Queen City
I will still do the right thing here…
But I’m not happy
BEARKATS 33-17

San Diego State at Air Force
Didn’t the Air Force bomb the ancient Aztecs during World War II?
Don’t laugh..
Have you read a High School History Book lately?
FALCONS 31-13

Tennessee Tech at Kansas State
You want to know what a fun word is to say?
“Chimichanga”
It’s fun to say, even when you’re alone
Never mind…
WILDCATS 34-10

EDITORS NOTE: You are saying it to yourself right now..
Aren’t you?

UTEP at Texas
That rumbling sound the Miners hear isn’t the mine collapsing
It’s a Stampede…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-10

California at Oregon
The Quacks will fall flat….
Believe that….
Yakty Yak don’t talk back
Take your money and buy a cat
O.K. I need to stop…
GOLDEN BEARS 34-31

Central Florida at East Carolina
The Golden Knights of UCF…
Wait a minute…
Why does everything have to be “Golden”?
We have “Golden” Gophers, Bears, Eagles and Hurricanes in this week’s edition.
That all sounds horribly racist to me…
PIRATES 31-14

Pittsburgh at North Carolina State
Did you ever notice when Lou Holtz says “Pittsburgh Panthers”
He sounds like Sylvester the Cat?
Maybe it’s just me…
PANTHERS 24-17

Akron at Central Michigan
I was going to make a joke about “Zip up that Chippewa”
But it’s too early in the morning for that…
CHIPPEWA’S 34-20

Western Kentucky at Navy
If Navy loses this game I am writing a nasty letter to Captain Crunch
MIDSHIPMEN 34-23

Idaho at Northern Illinois
I have a question for the Idaho fans…
Did Mr. Potato Head ever get married?
Or did he run off with that skanky Susie Squash?
Just wondering….
HUSKIES 38-14

Colorado State at Brigham Young
Are the Cougars over their skinning by the Seminoles?
You bet they are…
COUGARS 28-17

Grambling State at Oklahoma State
This game will be uglier than Janet Reno Pole Dancing
Sorry for the visual…
COWBOY UP! 44-0

Boise State at Bowling Green
The Falcons have the same odds of winning this game..
As Siegfried and Roy releasing a book on the “Joy of Heterosexuality”
BRONCOS 38-10

U La La at Nebraska
This game is going to get uglier than an orangutan’s arm pit
CORNHUSKERS 54-10

North Carolina Central at Duke
There is a great deal of excitement on the Blue Devil campus!
After the last Blue Devil victory
There were three students attempting to tear down the goal posts…
As I understand it, they are still trying
Which is sad..
BLUE DEVILS 27-17

Sam Houston State at Tulsa
The Hero of San Jacinto is taken down by a Golden Hurricane…
That sounded horribly nasty…
Sorry…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24

Northwestern State at Baylor
I thought creampuff season was over?
BEARS 38-10

UAB at Texas A&M
If the Blazers football team was a smell it would be Yak sweat
GIG EM’ AGGIES 44-0

Louisville at Utah
Both of these teams have a lot of Ute on each side of the ball.
It really boils down to which of the Ute wants it more
TWO UTES 33-31

Iowa at Penn State
I have on good authority…
That Joe Pa intends to harness the power of the sun through his reading glasses…
and roast the Hawkeyes
I don’t know if that is legal but it sure will be fun to watch
JOE PA’S LIONS 27-21

Notre Dame at Purdue
Slightly off the subject…
What is suppose to be so “magically delicious” about Lucky Charms?
If you want a breakfast cereal with some “magic” in it
I suggest you eat a bowl of raisin bran while drinking a cup of coffee
You will “magically” have the opportunity to read the Atlanta phone book
Not that it matters here
FIGHTN’ IRISH 34-14

Marshall at Memphis
Call me crazy if you want too…
It wouldn’t be anything I haven’t already heard from Mental Health professionals
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-21

Vanderbilt at Rice
What would this game be like…
If SAT scores could equate to points on the scoreboard?
COMMODORES 141,267,875 – 140,762,921

Washington at Stanford
Dogs pee on Trees…
It’s how they roll….
HUSKIES 27-21

Texas Tech at Houston
Defense? We don’t need no stinking Defense….
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 54-48

Hootie Snitch will have his Gator – Tennessee Volunteer game wrap-up tomorrow
So stay tuned
Enjoy your games
RTR
MEB

I am right here at my restaurant HOOT-R’s!
Located in a previously owned double wide trailer…
right off of Leadmine Road just outside of Baneberry Tennessee
Look for the lighted sign and come on in for the Biggest and Best
Tennessee Volunteer Victory party in the universe!

In case you is a living under a rock
This is the week of the Tennessee – Florida game.
And I am fixing to tell you Seven Big Old Reasons “Why”
The Tennessee Volunteers are going to whip them gators ass on Saturday.
Come on in and Let me break it down for you

ONE – The Volunteers orange color is more orange than them gators orange.
Their’s ain’t even real orange color best I can tell.
Now that we talking about it, what’s with them gators having blue with orange?
That don’t even match good.

TWO – Them gators got one, count it “One” mascot.
A damn old gator…..Big damn deal.
We Volunteers got a whole passel of mascots!
We got a student dressed up like a mountain man and he even has a rifle.
That is cool as hell!
We got us a real dog, that is some kind of blue tick hound
Which is awesome!
We got ourselves two students
That dress up like a female and a male dog in them foam rubber costumes.
Which is double-awesome!
Then we got us this ole boy in a foam rubber costume that looks like a orange!
“GO Big Orange!” Get it?

THREE – I don’t have a damn clue to what them gators fight song is about or what they doing with their arms a chomping.
But the Volunteers got us a “real” fight song!
It talks about laying around and drinking moonshine liquor and not paying no bills!
Now tell me that don’t sound like the life of Riley!

FOUR– Our quarterback is better than that damn old Tim Tebow.
Our Boy just ain’t won no awards cause he’s humble like that..
And wants the publicity on the team and not himself.

FIVE – Our Football Coach Lane Kiffin coached in the N-F-L, Ever heard of it?
In case you didn’t know that is PRO-FESSIONAL Football!
What has that Urban Myer done?
He Coached in some Pee-Wee league, big damn deal.
Also, I know for a damn fact
That Urban Myer wishes every single night he was coaching in Knoxville.
How do I know?
He come from Utah right?
When you send a picture postcard out that way what do you have to put down for the state? “UT”, I believe I done made my point.

SIX- We got us the best players in the damn country!
That’s why there ain’t nobody from Tennessee on the team!
Cause everybody from allover the country that is any good at football is coming to the Volunteeers!
What do them gators got? Some players from Florida, bigggggg deal.

SEVEN – Them gator fans ain’t sophisticated like we Vol fans is.
The closest them gator fans got to “culture” is when they walked by the yogart isle in Piggly Wiggly.
Thought that funny up by myself!

Now for Ole Hootie’s Predection:

VOLS 55
Gators 10

If you was a wondering why I didn’t pick the game as a shut out
It’s cause we got to play our scrubs sometime and them gators are lible to score on them once or twice

And don’t forget…
If you is in the neighborhood come on down to HOOT-R’s!
Enjoy the game with me and all the Volunterer Fans!
I got Possum Hot Wings and BBQ Muskrat Nuggets for everybody!
And as always something cold to wash it down with!
I will be dressed and ready? Will you?

GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

There won’t be any catchy picks through interpretive dance this week
It’s time to buckle down….
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator recorded a 50 and 12 for Week 2 of the college football picks or a rather substandard 80%.
That leaves us at 113 and 19 or 86% for the 2009 college football season.

But before we get to the games many of you have sent me emails about Myles Brand the President of the NCAA dying yesterday. Some have suggested that I should “feel” bad about the things I have written about him and a few even mentioned that he did “some good things” for college athletics.

Let me simply say this….
“Sic Semper Tyrannis”

Now on to this Weeks Picks..

Enjoy!

COACHES QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“It’s not the will to win that matters….everyone has that.
It’s the will to prepare to win that matters.”
Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant

THE GAMES

Thursday September 17th

Georgia Tech at Miami
This game will be too close to call..
But it’s important too remember this time of the year
Is Hurricane Season…
HURRICANES 31-28

Friday September 18th

Boise State at Fresno State
If the Bronco’s aren’t careful and I mean really careful….
They will find themselves with an “L” in this one
BRONCO’S 24-23

Saturday September 19th

Furman at Missouri
Don’t get me wrong….
I used to love the sideshows at the carnival
And I think it’s wonderful…
That a Furry Man made enough money as a Carney to purchase his own college
But I am a Three Stooges Fan
MO’S TIGERS 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder what the Yak Woman did with her money.

Chattanooga at Presbyterian
In this contest we have Racist Shoes and Blue Ho’s….
I really like the fact…
There is something here to offend almost everyone
RACIST SHOE U 24-17

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder….
If “tailgating” with Blue Ho’s has an entirely different meaning?
Never mind..

Northwestern at Syracuse
Sooner or Later “Otto the Orange” will win a game….
In this case it will be “Later”…
WILDCATS 23-17

Florida Atlantic at South Carolina
Of course the Atlantic Ocean borders the east coast of Florida
But do they have to constantly remind us of it?
GAMECOCKS 34-14

Ohio State at Toledo
This is a dangerous game for the Mighty Buckeyes…
The Rockets are coming off an emotional thrashing of Colorado
And the Buckeyes will have to rebound.
BUCKEYES 33-24

Temple at Penn State
I wasn’t aware they still played football at Temple?
Doesn’t matter…
JOE PA’S LIONS 44-0

Lycoming at Susquehanna
Since Susquehanna beat Juniata last weekend with her flip-flops…
I suspect this pesky foot fungus won’t stand a chance..
SUSQUEHANNA 31-10

California at Minnesota
The O’ So Golden Bears are well conditioned, fast and prepared…
And the O’ So very Golden Gophers…
Aren’t….
GOLDEN BEARS 33-13

East Carolina at North Carolina
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
East beats West in this one…
PIRATES 23-17

Duke at Kansas
I was going to watch this game…
But there is a T.J. Hooker mini-marathon on TV Land..
Sorry…
JAYHAWKS 20-14

Ursinus at Juniata
Before you even ask….
I have no idea why a urinary infection wants to attack Ole Juniata…
Thank God for antibiotics..
JUNIATA 20-17

Louisville at Kentucky
This game is entitled: The Battle for the Bluegrass….
This game has it all folks…
Fussing, fighting, bragging and hard feelings…
and that’s just in the parking lot before the game…
WILDCATS 34-31

Eastern Michigan at Michigan
There is “No” truth to the rumor
That a “Fly Over” at the Big House before the National Anthem is played…
Will include Coach Rod’s wife circling the stadium on her broom
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding..
WOLVERINES 34-17

Boston College at Clemson
These Birds will get plucked in Death Valley…
Believe it…
DABO’S TIGERS 28-24

Wofford at Wisconsin
Why would you name your college after a respiratory illness?
What’s next “Mucus Plug Tech”?
That’s just disgusting..
CHEESE WHIZ 34-3

Defiance at Trine
“I don’t have trine to be defiant…”.
Thought that one up all by myself..
WHAT TRINE IS IT? 22-17

Ball State at Army
What do the coaches at West Point..
Make the football players watch to motivate them before a game…
“Steel Magnolias”?
CARDINALS 28-17

Northern Illinois at Purdue
I would tune into this game…
But ESPN U has a “live” telecast of the East Timor National “Jenga” Championships
BOILERMAKERS 31-17

North Texas at Alabama
Even though Denton Texas is a long way from the Coast…
The Mean Green is about to learn the meaning of…
High Tide..
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17

Tennessee at Florida
Back in the spring Coach Lane Kiffin accused Urban Myer of cheating….
Then he made unflattering remarks about the people of Florida…
Then he said……
He looked forward to singing Rocky Top all night long after they beat Florida, it will be a Blast!
This is going to be an ass whipping of Biblical proportions…
MIGHTY GATORS 43-10

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Stupid to the Bone” in Webster’s Dictionary
It says, “See Lane Kiffin”

Tulsa at Oklahoma
This game as all the ingredients of an “Upset Special”
It will be that close…
BRAD-LESS SOONERS 28-24

Haskell Indian Nations University at MacMurray College
The Great Jim Thorpe began his athletic career at Haskell…
They made a return to the college football ranks last year..
And that is good enough for me..
MIGHTY HASKELL 21-17

Southern California at Washington
In the name of the Original Dog Father; Coach Don James…
I will tell you…
The Huskies will keep this one closer than you think…
TROJAN$ 33-24

Nebraska at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL !!!
No Hokey, No Pokey…
Believe it….
HUSKERS 27-24

Utah at Oregon
This reminds me of a joke…
“So, these two Ute’s were walking down the street….”
Stop me if you’ve heard it..
TWO UTES 38-28

Michigan State at Notre Dame
There isn’t a spark left in the Spartans
Fact…
FIGHTN’ IRISH 38-17

Wyoming at Colorado
Call it an “Upset Special” if you want too…
I call it…
COWBOY UP! 34-31

MTSU at Maryland
I am not completely sure about this..
But I believe that “MTSU” is Latin for…
NINJA TURTLES 38-14

Indiana at Akron
What do we have in this game: Zips and Hoosiers?
I don’t know which sounds worse…
“Hoosier Zip?”
Or…
“Zip your Hoosier”
I think it’s the later..
HOOSIERS 23-21

Virginia at Southern Miss
For the folks from Charlottesville..
This game is what I affectionately refer to as…
An old fashioned South Mississippi ass whipping
Enjoy…
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-10

Alcorn State at Central Michigan
Do you really think I would go against Coach Jones and the Chippewa’s?
Not a chance…
CHIPPEWA’S 27-14

Arizona at Iowa
This one will be come down to who has the football, last
HAWKEYES 23-21

Florida International at Rutgers
Why is this university so “International”?
Is it located near the airport?
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 31-17

Connecticut at Baylor
The Boys from Waco are for Real…..
Believe it…
BEARS 24-14

Southern Methodist at Washington State
I know this is Conference USA against the “all powerful” PAC 10
So I have two words for you….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Garner Webb at North Carolina State
I thought Mr. and Mrs. Webb raised their boy “Garner” to be smarter than that.
He should know better than to tangle with a pack of wolves.
WOLFPACK 44-10

Navy at Pittsburgh
UPSET SPECIAL!
Yes, I am serious….
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Elon at Wake Forest
That little Cuban boy is going to get the hell beat out him…
DEMON DEACONS 34-17

Cincinnati at Oregon State
This game is going to be a tussle from start to finish…
Believe it…
BEAVERS 34-31

Rice at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys are mad as Hell….
And Rice has a wonderful Computer Science Library…
Do the math…
COWBOYS 44-17

U La La at LSU
The Cajuns will be Ragin’….
But this is home to Mike the Tiger….
Billy Cannon and the Chinese Bandits…
And in case you didn’t know…
They call it “Death Valley” for a reason…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

Texas State at Texas Christian
If this was a boxing match the referee’s would stop the game after they heard
“And the home of the Brave….”
HORNED FROGS 146-0

Florida State at Brigham Young
The folks from the Land of Donny and Marie
Will have a rude welcome in store for Coach Bobby and the Seminoles
COUGARS 27-20

Charleston Southern at South Florida
It’s the second trip this year to Florida for the Boys from Charleston
unfortunately for them…..
Same result
NO BULL 44-10

Mississippi State at Vanderbilt
The Dawgs and Dores will battle it out in the Music City
This one will be close…..
COMMODORES 20-18

UNC Pembroke at Carson Newman
Pembroke?
Aren’t those the people that market smoked meat and cheese at Christmas?
I can’t have them competing against my “newest” sponsor.
Just remember, when you think about canned meat and cheese..
Think “Yoder’s”
The Amish Meat and Cheese Company
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Utah State at Texas A&M
In this battle between Aggies…
I have to go with my favorite Agro-Americans…
I am just keeping it real
GIG EM AGGIES 33-10

Bowling Green at Marshall
I watched my favorite college football movie last night
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
Enough said…
THUNDERING HERD 28-24

Iowa State at Kent State
Every time I hear “Golden Flashes”…
I think of the cast from “Golden Girls” flashing the audience
I just threw up a little bit when I was typing this…
CYCLONES 23-20

Nicholls State at Louisiana Tech
The Folks from State are going to feel..
Like they got hit with a bag of Nickels by the time this one is over.
BULLDOGS 43-10

Southeastern Louisiana at Ole Miss
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton in a bikini
Sorry for the disturbing visual
REBELS 48-0

Air Force at New Mexico
Doesn’t the Air Force have a bombing range in New Mexico?
I thought so…
FALCONS 33-28

Georgia at Arkansas
This contest is between the Hawgs and Dawgs…
Isn’t that a German Ice Cream?
Never mind…
This game could go either way..
DAWGS 33-31

West Georgia at North Alabama
We are a long way from the Championship Game for this Division…
But I believe there will be another National Championship coming to Florence
MIGHTY LIONS 28-17

West Virginia at Auburn
Save a Couch….
Beat the Mountaineers…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 34-21

Texas Tech at Texas
The folks in burnt orange have waited a whole year for this game
And it’s like I always say..
“Revenge is best served in your home stadium”
LONGHORNS 38-17

Tennessee Martin at Memphis
I don’t know what Martin was thinking when he scheduled this game..
He must have been liquored up
TIGERS 24-16

San Jose State at Stanford
I had every intention of watching this game….
That was until I heard
There is a “Billy Jack” marathon on Turner Classic Movies
They are showing the entire Billy Jack trilogy…
A man has to have his priorities in order
CARDINAL 6-5

Louisiana Monroe at Arizona State
Unfortunately this game comes on after the San Jose State – Stanford game
And that will conflict with me watching the second movie in the “Billy Jack” trilogy
Sorry…
DEVILS of the SUN 41-17

Kansas State at UCLA
Hello? Trilogy as in the number three
I can’t watch this game and miss the last “Billy Jack” movie
It just wouldn’t be right….
BRUINS 27-17

Hootie Snitch will have his “Gator Special” out tomorrow…
So stay tuned..

Enjoy your games….

RTR
MEB

Our wait has been rewarded….
No, I am not talking about Michael Jackson finally being buried….

Week One of the 2009 College Football Season is behind us….
So let’s take a quick look back at some of the games that took place over the Labor Day Weekend
and answer a few Email Questions and Answers.

Forgive me for a moment…
Before we look back at our weekend college football games I need to make a few apologizes……

WEEKEND CORRECTIONS: In no particular order…..

ARMY BLACK KNIGHTS: Who knew you could actually beat a school that didn’t have “culinary” in their school name?

IDAHO VANDELS: I have never met a potato I didn’t like…..
So what was I thinking?

NORTH ALABAMA LIONS: Shame on me for doubting the Mighty Lions…
It won’t happen again…..

LABOR DAY WEEKEND REWIND

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMEDAY:
It was great to see Coach Lee Corso back on College Gameday.
It wouldn’t have been the same without you Coach…
Welcome Back…..

ABC/ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL MUSIC INTRO:
This past weekend and presumably for the entire college football season, viewers will be forced to listen to Kenny Chesney’s nasally voice open the televised game of the week with a “song” that has nothing to do with the contest at hand.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s like this….
If I want to hear a gay guy in a cowboy hat sing…
I would prefer to listen to Elton John singing “Saturday Nights Alright for Fighting”.
At least that’s more appropriate for a college football game.

IOWA: You Hawkeyes got by the Panthers by the hair of your Chinny Chin Chin

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment….
Was not intended in any way as a reference to the San Francisco phone book….

MISSOURI: I love the Three Stooges, so I should have known better…
Sorry I doubted you MO….
Great win Tigers….

WILLIAM & MARY: I don’t know what Bill and Mary were drinking this weekend, but I do know they kicked Virginia’s butt.

THE NAVAL ACADEMY: These Midshipmen are tougher than my sister-in-law’s pot roast. And that is really saying something…

EDITORS NOTE: And as side note….
If you haven’t seen the Midshipmen play football…
Let me say this….
You don’t know what you are missing….
Midshipmen Ricky Dobbs is one of the finest college football players I have ever seen.

PENN STATE: Good to see you back on the sidelines Joe Pa…..
We missed you…

ASSUMPTION: After this past weekend….
I think we can “assume” you know how to whip some Worchester Sauces ass…

OKLAHOMA: You didn’t believe my picks this week did you?
Especially that one Sooner fan that wrote me from Kansas City….
What did I tell you?
“Don’t count the Cougars out of this one…”Enough said…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I love how the National Sports media makes San Jose State sound like the New England Patriots…

MIAMI HURRICANES: One down….three tough games in a row, to go…

COLONIAL ATHLETIC CONFERENCE: In case you weren’t keeping score…
Colonial Athletic Conference “2” – Atlantic Coast Conference “0”

OREGON: By now we have all seen the meltdown by Duck running back LeGarrette Blount after the Boise State game last Thursday night.

In case you didn’t know, he was the Oregon player that said weeks leading up to the Boise State game..
“We are going to give them (Boise State) an ass whipping”

He is the very same player that was “suspended indefinitely” earlier in the year for violating team rules.

He was being promoted by the Ducks as a Heisman Trophy candidate…..

And as you may also know….
Following the “incident” after the game….
The University of Duck “suspended” him for the season, but allowed him to stay on scholarship and practice with the football team.

National Sports Media’s Reaction……

Former Michigan Great Desmond Howard stated on ESPN’s College Gameday…
“The Boise State player had to have said something to provoke Blount.”
Howard went on to state….
“There is never any reason to taunt another player”, referring to the alleged taunt by the Boise State player that set Blount on his way to a full fledge national televised meltdown.

EDITORS NOTE: Really Desmond?
So what were you doing when you struck the Heisman pose in the Ohio State game?
Taunting or just bragging?

My Take….
Blount is a thug and a coward.
I don’t care what the Boise State player said to him…
When you run your mouth before the game, you have to take it after the game.

Although it is nice to know the University of Quack rewards bad behavior, or perhaps they are preparing him for a career in the NBA, but there is no rational reason to keep him on scholarship or on the football team.
Enough said…

SIDELINE REPORTERS: Holly Rowe is the best sideline reporter in the Business.
Period…..
And as a side note: The people that write ugly things about her weight in blogs should be ashamed of themselves.
It just goes to show you how ugly some people can act…..

ESPN PART II: Just a reminder for College Football Commentator Mark Jones…..
This is College Football, not the Snoop Diggity Dog Show….
So drop the ear ring while you are on television jackass…

MICHIGAN: This past week a number of current and former wolverine players have stated that Coach Rich Rod routinely violates NCAA rules related to the time student athletes can spend on football related activities.

I found the National Sports Media’s reaction to this story interesting….

National Sports Media’s Reaction……

MARK MAY of ESPN: “Listen people; everybody does it, this isn’t a big deal”

JOHN SAUNDERS of ABC: “It sounds like some disgruntled student athletes to me, because everybody in college football does it.”

My Take……
So is that how it is when something happens north of the Ohio River?
“Everybody does it”
Meanwhile, the NCAA is trying to price the cost of “Live Bait” for three Crimson Tide players to repay the cost of a fishing trip and calling it “entertainment”.
But still not a word on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans….
We see how it is….
NCAA rules only apply to the Universities in the South……

ABC COLLEGE FOOTBALL: What in the Holy name of Darrell Royal is Bob Griese doing commentating on a college football game?
He not only doesn’t know anything, he doesn’t even suspect anything either.

CONGRATULATIONS…..
Congratulations to former Ohio State Buckeye Great Chris Spielman for being selected for induction into the College Football Hall of Fame.
He has always been a Class act on and off the field, this award is richly deserved.
And as a side note….
I hope Chris’s beautiful bride, Miss Stefanie starts feeling better real soon.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKS WEEK ONE “UPSET SPECIAL”……In case you didn’t notice…
Not only did your favorite college football prognosticator pick Baylor over Wake Forest last week in the “Upset Special” but hit the score right on the money as well.
No need to thank me…..
It’s what I do..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I have a question that I hope you can answer.
I enjoy reading your articles and I really like the new website, but each time I read one of your articles, I see you writing your article while riding a unicorn through clouds that look a lot like cotton candy.
Is this normal?
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: I don’t know which is more disturbing…
The email or your name…

Q: Mike, what is the deal with all these short receivers in the Southeastern Conference?
The running backs aren’t much bigger either, so is this some kind of a trend?
Ted – Fredericksburg, Virginia

A: Ted, it doesn’t matter if you are two inches taller than an Umpa Lumpa, as long as you are faster than a speeding bullet.

Q: Dear Sir,
I am a fan of Oregon and have the following question.
Our star running back LeGarette Blount, AKA Run El Gee Bee, has been suspended for the season. I think this punishment was way too severe considering the guy he allegedly punched was able to walk away afterward.
Also, those Boise State fans were taunting this poor young man……
How could you expect him to behave himself in such a hostile environment?
With this in mind, what are the chances that Oregon could maybe redshirt this fine upstanding young man so that he could come back and play next year?
Chip – Eugene, Oregon

A: What are the chances of reinstating him?
I would say the chances are Slim and None and Slim has left town…

Q: Hey Mister Damn Knows it all!
We is on our way to the National Championship, so how you a liking them apples?
The Tennessee Vols done went an beat one whole side of Kentucky last week!
I believe it was the whole western part of the state!
I ain’t sure if that includes Lousiville, but I am pretty sure it includes Paducah.
Imagine what we a going to do the rest of the year!
Go Vols!
Scooter Cooter – Twisted Branch, Tennessee

A: Tennessee Fans should really look into getting “Spell Check”….

Q: Mike now that your website is getting more and more popular…
Have you been approached by any advertisers?
We love the website by the way!
Barbara – Ardmore, Oklahoma

A: Thank you Barbara for the kind words…
As you know the economy is in a tight spot…..
So advertising is hard to come by these days….
However I have been approached by Yoder’s Meat and Cheese Company….

Nothing says goodness….
Like canned Amish Meat and Cheese…
It’s fun for the whole family…

http://www.yodersmeatshoppe.com/prime-meat.php

Stop laughing I am serious…

Your picks will be out later in the week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

It’s finally here……
The start of the 2009 College Football Season….

This season we will see….
A Bedlam game and Back Yard Brawls….
Civil Wars and tussles over an old Brass Spittoon, an Oaken Bucket, a Wagon Wheel and a Victory Bell.
And yes….
There will be Holy Wars and fights over the Golden Boot and numerous battles for Bones, Buckles and other assorted hardware.

So put your tray table in its upright position….
And tighten those safety belts….
This season is going to be a bumpy ride….

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 3rd

South Carolina at North Carolina State
This is the way to start the season…..
Two evenly matched teams with bad blood between them…
The Wolfpack will be tough…..
But I rarely go against Coach Steve….
GAMECOCKS 24-21

Eastern Kentucky at Indiana
Hoosier Colonel?
HOOSIERS 27-17

Utah State at Utah
This is the Battle of the Brothers….
The first game in the fight for the Beehive Boot…
After last January I am a believer…
TWO UTES 34-31

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
I continually amaze you with the depth of my college football knowledge

Oregon at Boise State
In the last 60 games in beautiful Boise Idaho the Bronco’s won 58 of them….
That’s good enough for me….
Down go the Ducks…..
Remember you read it here first…
BRONCOS 33-28

WARNING: Viewing this game with the Oregon Duck “dancing highlighter” uniforms on the blue football field of Boise State can cause dots to appear before your eyes lasting for several hours.
If this condition persists, please see a physician.

Glenville at Chattanooga
Little known fact….
The Native American Word originally used for Chattanooga is….
“Chu na see Ka-ema Wa-sue Na maa”
Which means….
“White man make racist shoe school…..”
Coincidence? I think not..
RACIST SHOE U 21-10

Quincy at Southeast Missouri State
They named a school after that medical examiner on television?
That’s just crazy…
REDHAWKS 24-10

Friday September 4th

Tulsa at Tulane
In this game we have “Green Waves” and “Golden Hurricanes”
It sounds like a bunch of Port-O’-Johns got turned over…
Sorry for the visual….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

West Chester at Delaware
Just because Chester was on “Gunsmoke”…
Doesn’t mean he has to throw the “West” in his name…
We know “Gunsmoke” took place in the old west…
This is just insulting…
BLUE HENS 34-10

Assumption at Worchester State
I think we can “Assume” from this game…
That Worchester Sauce is a wonderful compliment to almost any tailgating experience.
LANCERS 20-10

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering….
Yes, there are times that I actually amaze myself…

Saturday September 5th

Portland State at Oregon State
In a choice between Vikings and Beavers…
I will take Beavers each and every time…
BEAVERS 44-10

Central Arkansas at Hawaii
I have four words for you concerning this game…
“Dog the Bounty Hunter”
WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 53-0

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
Dog the Bounty Hunter doesn’t have anything to do with this game..
I am just glad he is back on the air…
In case you were wondering…
That would be on A&E on Wednesday Nights..

Towson at Northwestern
I wonder…..
Does “Tow Son” have anything to do with my favorite Tow Truck museum?

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Just wondering…
WILDCATS 38-7

Dixie State at Southern Utah
Honestly, you had me at “Dixie”…
THUNDERBIRDS 24-10

Montana State at Michigan State
The Bobcats will be turned into house cats before the third quarter…
Believe it…
SPARTANS 38-21

Appalachian State at East Carolina
This game will be a closer than you might think….
PIRATES 31-29

Minnesota at Syracuse
Fighting Gophers and Otto the Orange…..
Sounds like a nightmare from Alice and Wonderland….
O So GOLDEN GOPHERS 23-17

Kentucky at Miami (OH)
After an exhaustive Google search I can assure you there isn’t a single palm tree anywhere in “Miami, Ohio”
With that in mind I cannot in good conscience pull for a team who’s entire history is based on a lie.
WILDCATS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t want any hate mail from the folks in “Miami” Ohio…
I feel the same way about the folks from Rhode Island….

Wartburg at St Norbert
I have a lot of questions about this game….
Why is Norbert a saint and why do they have a college for people with warts?
GREEN KNIGHTS 23-17

Navy at Ohio State
I have some advice for Navy in this game…
Immediately after the midshipmen hear “and the rockets red glare…”
Somebody yell “Abandon ship!”
BUCKEYES 38-10

Akron at Penn State
Here is how it works…..
A “Zip”….not that I am completely sure what that is…
Cannot beat a Lion, Nittany or not….
JOE PA’s LIONS 34-9

Liberty at West Virginia
The Statue of Liberty carries a lighted torch…
In Morgantown they light couches after a win….
Not really sure about the correlation here..
Just thought I would mention it…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-6

Toledo at Purdue
I will tell you what came to mind when I realized this game would be about “Rockets and Boilermakers”…
I would need a Boilermaker if I was going to ride a Rocket….
Hence, why I never made it as an Astronaut
BOILERMAKERS 33-24

Northern Iowa at Iowa
A Panther can’t beat a Hawkeye….
I saw it on the Animal Planet, so it must be true
HAWKEYES 38-10

Western Kentucky at Tennessee
This game will be uglier than Prom Night at the Blind School…
And that’s just the fans….
VOWELS 56-0

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
The roosters will be fried chickens before the second quarter expires…
YELLOW JACKETS 44-10

Youngstown State at Pittsburgh
If you don’t want to see the hell beat out of a bunch of penguins…
Then don’t watch this one…
PANTHERS 34-14

Northeastern at Boston College
These colleges with more than one direction in their name make me believe that Rand McNally really does have his own university.
EAGLES 34-6

Nicholls State at Air Force
The Colonels will be reduced to Privates First Classes before halftime…
FALCONS 43-10

Weber State at Wyoming
Not that it’s all that important here…
But the folks at Weber make a wonderful grill perfect for tailgating..
COWBOY 28-10

San Jose State at Southern California
Yippee!
Another “Big” In state rivalry game for U$C….
TROJANS 114-3

Nevada at Notre Dame
The first home game of the season in South Bend…
And you know what that means…
They let that Leprechaun run around the stadium naked…..
Which is just icky….
FIGHTING IRISH 33-21

Western Michigan at Michigan
There is no truth to the rumor….
That Coach Rod’s wife had her breast job done by a veterinary school in West Virginia.
This is incorrect and hurtful.
Her procedure took place at Auburn University Veterinary School
I hope this cleared up any misunderstanding
WOLVERINES 28-24

Baylor at Wake Forest
UPSET SPECIAL….
Believe it…BEARS 24-21

Georgia at Oklahoma State
I have some bad news for my Bulldog faithful….
COWBOY UP 28-17

Carson Newman at North Alabama
A clash of Titans in Florence Alabama……
Each is a traditional powerhouse in their own right…
What a way to start the season…..
Wish I was there eating some of that wonderful Coleman’s BBQ….
SPARKS EAGLES 28-24

Jackson State at Mississippi State
The folks from Starkville and I agree….
You can never have enough cowbell….
BULLDOGS 24-10

Missouri at Illinois
This border clash is known as “The Arch Rivalry Game”
The past few years it’s been all MO’s Tigers…
This year…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 24-17

Southern Illinois at Marshall
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 28-17

Northwestern State at Houston
That darn Rand McNally has more colleges than Wal-Mart has superstores…
COUGARS 41-10

Citadel at North Carolina
The Heels lay it to the Dogs…
Film at Eleven….
TAR HEELS 31-10

Ouachita Baptist at Texas College
I have heard of Southern Baptist….
But I haven’t a clue to what an Ouachita Baptist is….
But I am willing to bet they won’t recognize each other in Hooter’s either
TIGERS 17-14

Middle Tennessee State at Clemson
If I have to go another year without tailgating with my adopted Clemson Family…
I am going on strike…
DABO TIGERS 34-17

Louisiana Tech at Auburn
The Bulldogs will keep it close until the opening kickoff….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Missouri State at Arkansas
I am not quite sure what “Woo Pig Suey” means when the Arkansas faithful yell this at Razorback games….
I think in Latin it means “Bears get their Butts Beat”
HAWGS 43-3

Charleston Southern at Florida
If this game was a boxing match they would stop it in the first quarter…
MIGHTY GATORS 54-0

Wofford at South Florida
I think it’s wonderful that Chewbacca has his own college….
Not that it matters here…
BAD BULLS 34-10

Florida Atlantic at Nebraska
Welcome to Lincoln!
And enjoy your Husker ass whipping….
BO’s CORNHUSKERS 38-10

Brigham Young at Oklahoma
This game will played in beautiful Arlington Texas…
Don’t count the cougars out of this one….
SOONERS 38-34

New Mexico at Texas A&M
I hate to go against the Lobos…
But the Aggies are my favorite Agro-Americans….
GIG EM AGGIES 31-24

Louisiana Monroe at Texas
What in the Hell was Monroe thinking?
Those Longhorns are going to kill him!
HOOK EM HORNS 43-10

Northern Illinois at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz…..
BADGERS 38-14

Army at Eastern Michigan
West Point plays football like old people drive…
Slow and sloppy…
EAGLES 31-10

Northern Colorado at Kansas
I would watch this game…
But the History of Macaroni and Cheese is playing on the Food Channel
JAYS HAWKS 34-6

Alcorn State at Southern Miss
Nothing like a football Saturday in Hattiesburg …
I can almost smell that BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 41-10

North Dakota at Texas Tech
I feel bad for the folks from North Dakota…
They only have two seasons up there…
Winter and Fourth of July…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 43-10

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…
I hope while the Folks from North Dakota are in Lubbock they take in the Buddy Holly Museum.
It’s a must see…

San Diego State at UCLA
I would watch this game…
But this is the time I scheduled to rearrange my sock drawer.
Sorry…
BRUINS 33-17

Indiana State at Louisville
What is supposed to be so scary about a “Sycamore” Tree?
Everybody RUN! The Sycamores are coming!
That’s just stupid…
CARDINALS 41-0

Western Carolina at Vanderbilt
I can’t help but ask….
Catamount what?
I don’t get it…
COMMODORES 28-10

Idaho at New Mexico State
Famous Potato University are known as the Vandals..
Now there is an interesting mascot…
What is the name of their fight song?
“Pillage and Burn”?
AGGIES 24-17

Alabama at Virginia Tech
Prime Time In the Atlanta Georgia Dome…
No Hokey….
No Pokey…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

Stanford at Washington State
I would watch this game….
But the Regional Pineapple Skinning Championships are on ESPN U at the same time….
Sorry about that…
CARDINAL 6-3

Stephen F. Austin at Southern Methodist
I cannot in good conscience make any jokes about Stephen F. Austin…
It’s against my religion…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-28

Central Michigan at Arizona
For just a second I almost cared about this game…
Then I realized it was just gas…
WILDCATS 7-3

Idaho State at Arizona State
Bengals and Sun Devils….
Reminds me of a nightmare I had after a night of ill prepared Mexican Food…
I believe there was an iguana in there too…
Never mind..
DEVILS in the SUN 44-10

Maryland at California
The Ninja Turtles are outmatched in this one….
But the good news is…
Coach Fridge has successfully beaten anorexia…
Which is nice…
GOLDEN BEARS 33-17

LSU at Washington
Twenty five years ago this would have been a heck of a game…
It’s not, so it won’t be..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-10

Sunday September 6th

Ole Miss at Memphis
I think this rivalry is played for the Velvet Elvis…
Thank you, thank you very much…
REBELS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: Not that it’s all that important here..
But I do a phenomenal Elvis impersonation…

Colorado State at Colorado
The Rocky Mountain Showdown
For the coveted Centennial Cup….
This game always comes down to the last minute…
Hold on to your seats….
BUFFALOS 33-31

Monday September 7th

Cincinnati at Rutgers
All the experts are picking the Scarlett Knights…
That’s why I am going with the Boys from Chili Town…
BEARKATS 21-17

Miami at Florida State
This is a classic Instate rivalry……
It has produced some of the greatest games in college football history…
In fact….
Coach Bobby remembers….
Setting in the stands with his father watching one of the first games in this rivalry…
I believe it was in 1909…..
SEMINOLES 24-17

Your Week 2 College Football Picks and Prognostications will be out next week…
So stay tuned….

And enjoy your games…

RTR
MEB

Following my recent commentary on the NCAA and NAACP’s coordinated punishment of the universities within the states of South Carolina and Mississippi over what they view as “intolerance”.

ESPN’s Gene Wojciechowski decided to inject his northern view point into the argument with a diatribe of his own.

You don’t have to be a “master of the obvious” to guess which side of the discussion he took.

My favorite quote in his article….
“South Carolina suffers, they need to change….”

Let us not forget my fine Polish hyphenated American friend that “they” suffer because two out of control “organizations” don’t recognize popular elections or legitimate state government’s in this country.

We shouldn’t forget that these “two” organizations care more about who lines their respective pockets than they do about “people of color”.

We should remember that these two “non-profit organizations” preach education and tolerance but yet are the most ignorant and intolerant of almost anyone in the country.

But I have to ask…
Change for whom?

Because some Polish hyphenated American Yankee…. Said so?

EDITORS NOTE: Insert your favorite Polish joke here….

I wonder if ole Gene drives a Mercedes…..

If he does I guess we can assume that he is already over the Holocaust……

If Gene or any of the other minions of “Change” and “Tolerance” drives Japanese made automobiles..
Now we have a whole new set of issues.

Lest we forget….
These were the folks that brought us the attack on Pearl Harbor…
and the Bataan Death March….

They never had to apologize…

Do you drive one of those little Mitsubishi sports cars?
Those folks used to make a dandy little fighter plane too….
Ever heard of the “Zero” or the “Betty Bomber”?

Would you like to discuss Toyota and Nissan’s role in World War II?

See my point yet?

And to my hard core feminist readership I ask you…..

EDITORS NOTE: I know it was a surprise to me as well….
Presumably they read my column…
Just to have something to complain about at their Lesbian Anonymous meetings….

The Japanese never apologized for enslaving thousands of women and forcing them into prostitution.
killing many of them after their “term of service” was complete.

So, that’s O.K?

But anything to do with the confederate battle flag isn’t?

The fact that Mississippi’s Flag was approved by a state wide election and the South Carolina legislature moved the confederate battle flag to a war monument on the state grounds has nothing to do with the truth now does it?

These organizations perpetuate lies as truth….

That is what they do….

So let me add some truth to this equation and we will move off the subject…..

I have the solution to the problems perpetuated by the NAACP & the NCAA

EDITORS NOTE: Hard to believe, but true…

Drop the “hyphenated” American titles…
You are either an American or you are something else…
Take your pick…

The “Rebel” mascot is no more racist than the “Fighting Sioux” or Chief Illini or the Fighting Okra….”
And believe or not friends…
A damn shoe whether it’s a moccasin or an oxford doesn’t identify one as a racist either.
If that were true…..
Makes you wonder what the Klansmen and the Black Panthers are wearing this season doesn’t it.

But if “they” are really concerned about what somebody thinks about college mascots..
Do something about that stupid Geoduck mascot at Evergreen State…
It looks like a foam rubber turd with legs…

Instead of perpetuating a “Victim Mentality” why not promote self sufficiency?
I will tell you why they don’t because most of these idiots would be out of work…

EDITORS NOTE: Frankly every time I see Al Sharpton or Myles Brand on television I hear Linda Ronstadt singing “Poor Poor Pitiful Me”….
But they aren’t “Poor”, are they?

Stop flashing the victim card faster than a Las Vegas black jack dealer every time something doesn’t go to suit you….

You can’t have it both ways….

Lastly we need to secede from the NCAA…..

This goes for Polish hyphenated American Yankee sports writers at ESPN too…

If you think I have been too harsh or insensitive with any of my comments..
Let me answer those charges in the verbiage of our times.

Perhaps I will recalibrate my statement in the future….
But hopefully we can all use this as a teachable moment.

EDITORS NOTE: And some of you don’t think I am up to speed on today’s lingo.

Six more days until kickoff….
Your Week 1 College Football Picks will be out on Wednesday of next week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

I interrupt your normally scheduled article with the “Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet”..
Mr. Hootie Snitch; with breaking college football news.

The Associated Press reported that a ‘Top Official” of the NCAA said a court ruling Thursday dealing with cheating at Florida State are public records, sets a precedent that…

“Will rip the heart out of the NCAA….”

The NCAA official further stated that this ruling will…..

“Thwart the agencies efforts to ensure competition is fair and equal”

EDITORS NOTES: I don’t know which is funnier….
When the NCAA uses words like “Fair and Equal” or “Education”.

The issue in question revolves around the release of documents associated with the NCAA “Investigation” into alleged academic wrong doing by some Seminole student athletes.

EDITORS NOTES: As a side note…
Ever notice it’s only Southern Athletes from Southern Universities that are involved in “Academic” issues?
Maurice Clarett at Ohio State couldn’t spell “Hot Dog” on the Soul Train Scramble Board if he had a week….but “we” have an academic problem in the South…

The NCAA does not want you the public to read how they do business or the process in how they render their verdicts and they certainly don’t want you to know how much money they generate for themselves.

But the latest court ruling has the NCAA shaken to its corrupt foundation….
In the words of David Berst; the NCAA Vice President for Division I Athletics…
“We could see copycat efforts in other states; yes, I believe that would rip the heart out of the NCAA.”

EDITORS NOTES: Yeah….
God forbid the NCAA has to be held accountable and follow state laws….

Mr. Berst’s comments from the witness stand came soon after Circuit Judge John Cooper rejected the NCAA’s claim that the documents in the Florida State case are not public.

As you may know the Associated Press and other media outlets had sued the NCAA to get the records on the college athletics governing body’s plan to strip coaches and athletes of wins in 10 sports at Florida State.
Florida law says records are public if they are “received” by a state agency.

The NCAA claimed the Florida State documents were not because the school never physically possessed the documents in paper or electronic form.

Instead, the NCAA posted them on a secure read-only Web site that could only be accessed by the law firm Florida State had hired for its appeal.

Florida State University officials could also have gone to NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis to take a look at the documents, but not reproduce them.

Judge Cooper rejected the argument.

After Berst’s testimony, Judge Cooper rejected the NCAA’s claim that even if the documents are public records they should not be released because that would violate free association, contract and interstate commerce rights under the U.S. Constitution.

The judge also found that making the documents public would violate neither state nor federal laws guarding the confidentially of student academic records.
He made that ruling after privately reading copies of two documents being sought that had student names blacked out.

EDITORS NOTES: Here is my question for the NCAA….
It is the same one they apply to most other universities in their volunteer organization…
If you have nothing to hide….
If your organization conducts its business above board….
If your organization is truly concerned with being “fair and equal”…
Then why all the secrecy?

And one last thing…..
If you can wrap up an investigation of this magnitude in such a short period of time, then where are you with the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Speaking of Investigations….

This week the NCAA Committee on Infractions will force the Memphis Tiger basketball team to vacate its NCAA record of 38 victories and final four Season dating back to 2007 and 2008 and serve three years probation due to NCAA rules violations.

Memphis president Shirley Raines said shortly after the NCAA’s announcement that the school is appealing what she called an unfair penalty.
“We know the rules,” Raines said. “We did our due diligence. We did everything we could to determine the student-athlete was eligible and that the rules were being followed.”

EDITORS NOTES: Wow……
That NCAA Investigation went pretty fast didn’t it?
You boys from the NCAA really move out when the university is below the Ohio River don’t you?
But in four damn years the NCAA still can’t find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s House and tell us where we are with the “investigation” into the Southern California Trojans?

I have saved the best for last….

Have you heard what the NCAA has done to the University of Tennessee?

As you all know by now I am no fan of the Tennessee Volunteers….
However, that being said….
They are being railroaded by the NCAA……

Recently the NCAA ruled freshman running back Bryce Brown ineligible due to relationship with Brian Butler, who was Brown’s adviser/handler during his recruitment. Brown was one of several prospects that Butler mentored.
The NCAA has known about this issue (by their own admission) and neither warned the young man or the University of Tennessee athletic department about the possibility of NCAA violations.

In particular, the NCAA is looking into some of the fundraising Brown accepted in high school to visit college campuses and what role Butler might have played.
“The NCAA continues to investigate [Brown] and his whole history going back to when he was young, and I know that bothers him,” Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin said on Tuesday. “It’s pretty unfortunate.”

EDITORS NOTES: So why would the NCAA purposely withhold information that could potentially hurt not only the student athlete, but the University?
Are we to believe that the NCAA has the time and manpower to watch this athlete in high school, but they can’t seem to locate Reggie Bush’s Momma’s house?

All I have to say is this…
You know the NCAA is out of control when I am….
Actually defending the University of Tennessee…

It is time for the Southeastern Conference to secede from the NCAA…..
The Big 12 and the Atlantic Coast Conference should follow suit…
Coach Bobby, can I get an Amen?

Only 13 days until Kickoff….
Hootie Snitch will return next week…
and your Week One College Football Picks are right around the corner…
Have a Great weekend…

RTR
MEB

Coach Joe Paterno is entering his 60th year at Penn State….
Jo Pa started as an assistant coach in Happy Valley in 1950….
Then he became Head Football Coach of the Nittany Lions in 1966.

Joe Pa has seen it all….
He has coached against the best ever in college football…..
And he currently holds the record for most victories of any Division I coach in college football history……

And as a side note: Joe Pa is a class guy…..

So why is Joe Pa angry with the NCAA?

At a recent press conference covering the first week of practice at Penn State
Joe Pa went off the script as he often does…..
He stated that he feels that the NCAA is punishing Florida State too harshly by removing 14 victories over the recent “investigation” by the NCAA into academic fraud by a limited number of student athletes.

More specifically in punishing Bobby Bowden with the removal of 14 victories…

Coach Joe had this to say about the NCAA’s decision to vacate 14 wins from Coach Bobby and the Seminoles….

“The NCAA is going to do what it’s going to do, but I would hope they would not take away 10 or 12 wins away from him (Bobby Bowden). I don’t think that’s fair.
He coached the team he had; they played against people, and they won.
They ought to be wins for them”

After this statement Coach Joe was asked what he thought….
About the manner in which the NCAA conducts their investigations and his opinion of President Myles Brand.
He demonstrated his opinion with a simple gesture known by all….

I couldn’t agree more Joe…..

Your final installment of the Pre-Season College Football Extravaganza will be out Friday….

RTR
MEB

I’m glad you all enjoyed your first installment of the 2009 College Football Preseason Extravaganza.
But last week’s installment was like Diet Pepsi compared to this week…
Let’s move on to the “real” thing….
And discuss who will win the Conference Championships…

As well as the ultimate prize…
A trip to Pasadena and a shot at the National Championship….

Enjoy….

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE
“With the little bits of information that I have, no, I’m not worried about that one bit. I’m more concerned about helping the process and cooperating to make sure that everything comes to the front. I’m confident that’s not where this is going.” …
In an interview on May 2, 2006 with USA Today and the Associated Press, Coach Pete Carroll of U$C talks about the possibility of U$C forfeiting games or being hit with NCAA sanctions.

GREAT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADITIONS
As we have discussed in the past….
College football is as much about the pageantry and fan involvement as it is about the game.
With that in mind let’s take a look at some of the lesser known traditions in college football:

INDIANIA UNIVERSITY:
Hoosier fans show up at the stadium “a little while” before the game begins.

RUTGERS:
Just moments prior to each contest, it is traditional for specially selected Scarlet Knight players to participate in the mysterious “coin toss” ritual.

TEXAS A&M:
In a tradition called “yell practice,” the student populace is re-taught how to spell the word “defense” in an exhaustive two-hour pregame ritual.

IOWA:
Hawkeye Fans all wear black or yellow sweatpants.

MICHIGAN STATE:
The entire student body comes down onto the field after every game and runs in circles until they collapse from dizziness.

PRINCETON:
On the morning before each game, hordes of Tiger fans gather together to hold hands and close their eyes tightly and imagine what it must have been like to win the first national championship

STANFORD:
Cardinal fans are too smart to believe they can affect the outcome of the football game, so they don’t do anything. Including attending the game…

MICHIGAN:
A new tradition this year, students, players, and fans will surely be pumped seeing former coach Lloyd Carr’s skull mounted above the home team’s sideline

NOTRE DAME:
As they leave the locker room, players reverently touch a sign reading..
“Act Like A Smug Arrogant Bastard Despite Playing For A Drastically Overrated Team That Isn’t Even in the top Twenty”.

MASCOT NEWS
TENNESSEE

Before we unveil the “new” University of Tennessee dog mascot it is important to do a quick review of the universities current mascots.
In no particular order the University of Tennessee mascots:

Mountain Man: Despite the fact they are neither the “Mountaineers” nor the “Mountain Men” this hasn’t stopped the University from having a student dressed like Fess Parker running along the sidelines with a musket.

Orange: Although the only fruits that are grown in the state of Tennessee are more of the “two-legged” variety and as we all know, the university doesn’t have a nickname after this tasty citrus fruit, hasn’t prevented the University from having a student arrayed in a foam rubber “Orange” costume to delight the crowd on the sidelines of Volunteer football games.

Student (Male) Smokey: Even though the universities athletic teams aren’t called the “Bulldogs”, “Pluto’s” or “Hound Dogs”, the university has a lucky student in a foam rubber costume of a dog leading the crowd in cheers at all the university athletic events.

Student (Female) Smokey: Please see description above…
As an added note: the University was concerned what the perception of having a “single” Foam Rubber “male” dog might look to the alumni and fans so they decided to have a “female” counterpart Foam Rubber Dog costumed mascot to accompany the male.

EDITORS NOTE: The idea to have a “female” dog replaced the first idea of an accompanying mascot…
The First Idea was to neuter the male foam rubber costumed mascot….
I understand there is a pending lawsuit…

Now Ladies and Gentlemen….
The Winner of the “new” Tennessee Dog mascot is…..

A tie…..

The three hounds pictured below were selected, as was described by the University of Tennessee Athletic Department, as having….
“The Look of the Tennessee Volunteer Fan Base….”

Enjoy….

COLLEGE FOOTBALLTEAM NEWS

FLORIDA: No need to continually thank me for picking you to win the National Title last year. Frankly the adulation embarrasses me.

NCAA: Many of you have written me concerning my recent articles on the NCAA Nazi’s forcing Universities and Colleges to change their mascots and nicknames.
Some of you have requested the names of the NCAA committee that has been responsible for determining what “is” or what “isn’t” racist or demeaning in college football.
Unfortunately I have been unsuccessful in getting the names of all the committee members.
However, I do have a photograph of the NCAA committee on mascots as they prepare to execute an unnamed college mascot.

EDITORS NOTE: Have no fear my dear readers and fellow animal lovers…
I am sure the bear in question was a racist…

FLORIDA STATE: The Administration of FSU and the Attorney General of the State of Florida are suing the NCAA for not complying with the States Open Record Laws concerning public institutions.

The NCAA responded by saying….
“We (The NCAA) can’t be forced to release documents in Florida State University’s appeal of sanctions because we (The NCAA) are not covered by the state’s public records law.”

EDITORS NOTE: Not required to follow state law?
So an organization in this country that requires universities and colleges from all 50 states to pay them, doesn’t have to comply with state laws? Really?

TENNESSEE: Recently the University of Tennessee announced that they will place billboards in the state of Florida to entice people to considering going to Tennessee.
The funny thing is….
I thought Tennessee always had billboards in Florida….
They say…
“See Rock City”

COLORADO: I want to take this opportunity to thank the University of Colorado for releasing my sister-in-law from her Buffalo “stunt double” mascot contract.
This will give her a chance to pursue her acting career in the “Messing with Sasquatch” beef jerky commercials. Also thank you for not pursuing that lawsuit after she gored that kid at the opening of that grocery store last year with her “calcium deposits”.

TEXAS A&M: You are still my favorite Agro-Americans.

VIRGINIA TECH: (CORRECTION) I erroneously reported in answering an email some weeks back that the “Hokey Pokey” was “not what it was all about…”
However, it has come to my attention….
That in Blacksburg Virginia, the home of the Mighty Virginia Tech Hokies, that the term has another meaning.
This term is also an accepted “pick-up” line for Virginia Tech students and alumni.
Proposed as a question…
“Hokey Pokey?”

Hope this cleared up any misunderstanding…

AUBURN: I want to address rumors and innuendos that have been circulating from the Auburn campus and reverberating around the college football landscape.
Coach Wayne Bolt of Auburn is NOT Howdy Doody.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding.

Coach Wayne Bolt

CHATTANOOGA: I cannot in good conscience promote a “raciest shoe” university.
Or “Racist Shoe U” as they will now be called….

ALABAMA: The Tide is appealing their loss of 21 wins by the NCAA by comparing similar cases involving Ball State, Temple, Weber State and Texas State. All but Temple were cited for lack of institutional control and the cases themselves involved more athletes than was involved at Alabama.
Yet none of the above named schools had to vacate wins.

Alabama was found guilty of the lesser violation of failure to monitor.
If the NCAA doesn’t demonstrate some consistency in their rulings here…
I simply say…
If this doesn’t succeed, I say we secede.

BIG ELEVEN, I mean BIG TEN
Just one last question for the Conference big wigs…
If there are ELEVEN teams in the conference, then why is it called The BIG TEN?

EDITORS NOTE: How difficult can it be to get a math degree from one of these schools? If you have 13 + 28 and you say 14 can you still get a passing grade?
(Tennessee Fans Take Note: that is Incorrect)

PAC 10 Conference: Follow along closely…
The reason you are not respected in the college football world is simple…
You have a weak football conference that as a general rule won’t play anybody outside your conference unless they have the words “Academy” or “Design” in their school name. Lastly, you insist on playing your games at 2330 EST on Saturday night and frankly the rest of the college football world is too hung over to care.

PRE-SEASON EMAILS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I think I may be able to help you and our readers with a vexing problem.
I recently conducted a lecture on Dielectrophoretic Manipulation of Nanoparticles,
And it occurred to me….
The sycophantic arguments on the Bowl Championship Series can easily be disproven utilizing a mathematical theory similar in structure to the theory of Hydrodynamics.
What do you think about my hypothesis?
Dr. Timothy – John Hopkins University

A: Honestly….
I didn’t understand a damn thing after “Dear Mr. Wizard…”

Q: Dear Sir,

First, let me start off by saying that I am in no way affiliated with the NCAA or it’s fine staff of administrators and investigators. I do, however, find it rather appalling that you have this “vendetta”, if you will, against the head of this fine organization, Mr. Myles Brand. You have spent an obviously, exorbitant amount of time pointing out the alleged errors of the NCAA and, frankly, it is a rather tedious endeavor.

I must say that even I, with no affiliation with the NCAA, find it rather offensive to say that the aforementioned organization is “arrogant.” One specific argument that you continue to mention to support your supposition has to do with the scurrilous scandal involving Florida State University. You say they exhibit said arrogance by failing to publicly release a copy of the findings of the NCAA publicly.
Well, my good man, a perfectly simple explanation to this is the fact that the NCAA probably doesn’t even recognize Florida as a state.
In fact, I believe in a couple of conversations with Mr Brand that the NCAA doesn’t recognize anything south of the Mason Dixon line or east of the Rio Grande River as a state.
Therefore, with that fact in mind, the NCAA wouldn’t have to recognize any such “state” law.
It’s all very simple and logical if you think about it.

Also, your suggestion that certain conferences should secede from the NCAA is quite naïve. They are a truly benevolent organization with only the best interests of the institutions and student athletes in hands. I believe that you should stop all mention of this so that the NCAA can continue to rake in as much money as possible for the benefit of all. After all, it does take quite a goodly amount of cash to investigate all of those guilty parties in the SEC. Also, we have to accommodate numerous dignitaries occasionally, and it would be appalling to have to do so without the plush furniture, exquisite dining, or lavish offices. Why, it cost over $86,000 for the bathroom fixtures alone, from what I’ve heard.

As I said, please stop the naïve rants and support this fine organization so that we may all benefit.

Sincerely
Iles-may Ant-Bray

A: Clever Myles….Very clever

Q: Dear sir,
I just wanted to point out something that I found quite ironic…..
You can’t spell NAACP without NCAA. How weird is that?
And how about this while we are on the subject….
They are two of the most biased organizations in America…
They get money and nobody knows where it goes….
They Both Hate Southerners….
AND..
One will make you a victim and the other lives off of playing it up as a victim.
Biff in Buckhead, Georgia

A: Damn fine points sir…..

Q: Mike, despite what the idiots at the NCAA say…
There is nothing racist about wearing a pair of moccasins…
In fact they are very comfortable…
I and Others enjoy wearing them around the house…
Dave – Little Rock, Arkansas

A: Sounds like to me you are “comfortable” being a racist….
Damn racist shoe wearing people….

Q: My name Anh Dung and I read article on mascots and NCAA you write.
My family here and I agree. You so right!
We want address to write NCAA to have mascot remove from Naval Academy.
Why you say?
Navy goat remind me of Ho Chi Min and communism.
I look in the eyes of goat and see communist evil.
Also Navy pilots almost bomb us back to Stone Age in war, destroy many things.
Navy goat mascot must go!
Anh Dung – San Francisco, California

A: Would it be safe to say considering your last name to state
That you are full of “Dung”….

THE CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

BIG TEN, sorry I mean ELEVEN.
The Ohio State Buckeyes are the team to beat: Period.
However, do not count out Jo Pa…….
With the Buckeyes traveling to Happy Valley this year anything can happen.

The other threat to Buckeye supremacy will come from the Badgers of Wisconsin..
Despite having a mascot that looks like a weasel on steroids, the badgers have a favorable schedule and could upset a number of teams before the season is over.

Illinois minus Chief Illini (Because he is a racist…) will make some teams sweat and they will most assuredly be in a major bowl game this year.

Iowa will continue to disappoint….
Michigan…(See “Iowa” above..)

BIG 12
Nebraska will win the North Division of the BIG 12 this year….
That’s right I said it….
The Cornhuskers have a brutal schedule but they will get it done…
Remember you heard it here first…

The South Division will be decided in the Red River Shoot Out when Oklahoma squares off against Texas. Who ever wins the Red River Shoot Out could run the tables and I do mean all of them.
My guess?
The Eyes of Texas are Upon Me so I have to be careful….
The Mighty Longhorns….

But make no mistake; the Cowboys of Oklahoma State will make a lot of noise this year.
And yes…..
The Red Raiders of Texas Tech will still be dangerous….

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE
The game of the year will be an early one…..
The night of October 10th in Death Valley….
The Florida Gators will Visit the LSU Fightn’ Tigers….
This may decide it all ladies and gentlemen….

That aside…..
My Prognostication is simple as well as bias…
The Florida Gators will win the Eastern Division of the Conference….
The Alabama Crimson Tide will win the Western Division.
Neither of which will be undefeated when they meet in Atlanta…

The Conference Champion will head to Pasadena……
It will be the Mighty Florida Gators…..

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE
Remember that you heard it here first.
The Virginia Tech Hokies will win it all in the ACC this year….
However…
There are several teams that will upset and otherwise disrupt Championship plans…
The Clemson Tigers….
The Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech…
The Hurricanes of Miami….
And as always….
Coach Bobby’s Seminoles….

My Upset Sleeper…The Tar Heels of North Carolina…
Don’t count them out of any game this year…

CONFERENCE USA
Contrary to recent reports….
The Southern Miss Golden Eagles will win the Eastern Division of the Conference..
Followed Closely…very closely by East Carolina..
The Western Division will be ruled by the Houston Cougars…
Believe it….
And the Cougars will win the Conference title this year……

My Proud Ponies of SMU will be better than advertised….
As will the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes…
Which I still think their nickname sounds nasty…

But as a side note….
My Favorite Football movie of late is still….
“We Are Marshall”

My buddy Matthew McConaughey is in it….
If you haven’t seen it, you don’t know what you are missing…

EDITORS NOTE:
Ladies I will not get you Matthew’s autograph or send him any “items” that you forward to me…
So please stop asking….
Same goes for you “guys” on the west coast…
Stop it, you’re creeping me out…

PAC 10
Be prepared to be shocked…

The Oregon State Beavers will win the PAC 10 Title this year….
Followed closely by the Devils from the Sun at Arizona State and the U$C Trojans…
Believe it….

BIG EAST
This year the competition in the conference has never been tougher…
West Virginia….
Louisville….
Cincinnati….
Pittsburgh….
South Florida…
Connecticut …
Anyone of these teams has the ability to take the conference championship…

My Take….
Friday Night on November 27th in Morgantown West Virginia…
Light those couches…
The Mountaineers will win the Big East Conference Title..

Do not count out South Florida….And that’s NO Bull….

But as a side note, Syracuse will continue to be beaten like dirty rug….

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE
Remember you read it here first…..
The Broncos of Boise State will win the Conference Title this year…….
Finish the season….Undefeated and be in the mix for the National Title.
Believe it……

MOUNTAIN WEST
The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University will take the Conference Title this year…But they will not get away undefeated.
Hot on the tail of the Frogs will be Utah and Brigham Young University…
One hiccup by the Frogs and one of these teams will leap frog to the top…

EDITORS NOTE: You may be asking yourself….
Why is My Favorite College Football Prognosticator picking these Conferences this year? I got two words for you…..
“Sugar Bowl”

THE ARMED FORCES TROPHY

The winner of the 2009 Armed Forces Trophy will be….
I will give you a hint….
It rhymes with “Wavy”…..

INDEPENDENTS
This is one is always too easy for me…..
Let’s see who we have to choose from?
There is Notre Dame…..
Hoobastank State…..
Roy Rogers Western Wear Academy….
Armadillo Taxidermy College….

Although I really like Roy Rogers I will have to go with the Boy’s from South Bend.

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP…….
The Rose Bowl in Pasadena California……
You will have to wait until next week……

So stay Tuned….
Only 27 more days until Kickoff

RTR
MEB

But much like the infomercials of our day…
“There is more…..”

Much more…..

Take for example Reggie’s cover of “DUB” magazine…

This beautiful black on black fully restored 1996 Chevrolet Impala SS….
Was purchased for Reggie by New Era Sports in early 2005 while he was still a student athlete at U$C….

Reggie even stated in the article that the sound system was “Off the hook….”
I bet that cost a pretty penny….

Yet U$C and Reggie say that he (Reggie) purchased the automobile while he was a student athlete attending U$C….
Yet he can’t seem to produce a receipt or remember where it was purchased…

All of that is probably hard to remember…
Since Reggie didn’t have a job during the entire time he was at U$C…..

If you think I am wrong……
Then why did Reggie sell “his baby” immediately after the story broke….

EDITORS NOTE: Look at the bright side Trojan fans…
It’s a good thing Reggie didn’t sell a text book while he was a student athlete….
Or he could have gotten into some real trouble with the NCAA.

RTR
MEB

Not a bad first week for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.
Some of my loyal readers have called it a “nearly perfect” weekend for me.
Close…..

Tennessee Lost and Alabama Won; the only thing that would have made it better would have been a Loss by the U$C Trojans and a win by the Clemson Tigers.
That being said, I finished the week at 53 and 11 or 83%.
Not a bad first week if I say so myself.

There is a lot to talk about and Your Weekly College Football Picks are Out!
So Let’s get to it.

Enjoy Your Picks!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

HURRICANES: I am thankful that Gustav didn’t hurt my friends and family along the Gulf Coast and I don’t believe Hanna will do much more than bring some much needed rain to my Family in Carolina.
But if your name is “Tina” and you live in the path of Hurricane Ike….Run Like Hell!

TEXAS A&M: Any of you Aggies want R. C. Slocum’s phone number?
I have it right here, if you need it….

TENNESSEE: Those were some really “nice” Orange Sherbert pants you all were wearing for the game in California…Seriously, they didn’t look Gay at All…totally Heterosexual looking; really.

CLEMSON: Stop reading your press clippings on how “Great” you all are and start playing some damn football.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: See “Clemson” Above…. 

OREGON STATE: A Beaver is NOT Suppose to LOSE to a team with a Tree for a mascot..
It’s against the laws of nature!

HAWAII: Despite being blown out by two Southeastern Conference Teams in a row, there is some good news! Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on the A&E Channel every Wednesday Night.

VIRGINIA TECH: As I stated earlier in the week; I believe Hokie Tight End Ed Wang at 6-6 275 pounds to be the largest Wang ever seen in a Hokie uniform.
And before you start emailing me….
I know…
Television adds weight to person…
But that is still a big Wang…

KENTUCKY: You beat Louisville with a quarterback that wasn’t even a quarterback until last week.
Sorry I doubted you BIG BLUE…I won’t make that mistake again.

ESPN: Did anybody see one time Florida Quarterback and current ESPN “commentator” Jesse Palmer last Thursday Night?
Nice “Clip-on” tie…..real classy.

ESPN II: Plenty of “Love” for the Southern California Trojans in all the pre-game chit-chat, but no mention of the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Trojans….I wonder why?
Scared?

ESPN III: The “Sports Network” reported on Saturday that Jo Pa had tied Bobby Bowden with 373 wins after the Lions win over Coastal Carolina.
WRONG…..
Jo Pa has ALWAYS been at Penn State…
Through EVERY win and the occassional loss….

On the other Hand, Bobby Bowden coached “against” Gordon Junior College in the Golden Isle Bowl…
You see Bobby hasn’t ALWAYS Coached a Division I College Football Team…
But, it hasn’t stopped him from counting those wins in his total.

Jo Pa is the winningest Coach in Division I College Football – Period.
Glad I cleared that up for everybody.

THE GAMES

Thursday September 4th

North Alabama at Carson Newman
This game is between two giants of College Football…
Normally I would go with the Lions in this contest..
But I have a feeling…
SPARKS EAGLES 28-24

Nicholls State at New Mexico State
This game may be delayed due to Hurricane Gustav..
Doesn’t Matter…
AGGIES 33-13

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
Susan….You can take this one to the bank.
GAMECOCKS 27-14

Friday September 5th

Navy at Ball State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
CARDINALS 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: Did I mentioned that David Letterman went to school at Ball State?

Saturday September 6th

Ohio at Ohio State
Sorry Coach Frank….this going to be really ugly.  
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Marshall at Wisconsin
The Thundering Herd will keep this one close…for a while.
THE POWER OF CHEESE 38-23

Eastern Illinois at Illinois
I miss the Illinois mascot Chief Illiniwek…
Because if someone with a lisp says it, they spit on themselves.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 44-17

Georgia Tech at Boston College
I would pull for the Yellow Jackets in this one….
But I just can’t…It’s against my religion.
EAGLES 28-24

Eastern Michigan at Michigan State
Nothing but Green and White in this one…
SPARTANS 34-14

Miami (Ohio) at Michigan
Enjoy this game Wolverine Fans…
You won’t enjoy another win for several weeks…
WOLVERINES 31-17

Connecticut at Temple
If Temple wins this game it’s another sign of the coming Apocalypse…
The First Sign?
The “New Kids on the Block” Reunion…
They are the Anti-Christ…
HUSKIES 33-24 

Florida International at Iowa
What’s so “International” about this University?
It kind of sounds like “Phoenix Online” with a marching band.
HAWKEYES 34-21

Southern Miss at Auburn
The Golden Eagles in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear…
WAR EAGLES 23-17

San Jose State at Nebraska
I don’t know much of anything..
But I do know that Jose is going to get a Nebraska Ass Whopping…
HUSKERS 43-20

Furman at Virginia Tech
Furry Man?
Sounds like where Chewbacca went to school…
Or My Sister-in-Law…
HOKIES 27-17

Brigham Young at Washington
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
The Cougars will take down the once mighty Huskies….
Believe it…
COUGARS 31-24

Central Michigan at Georgia
How BOUT them BIG Bad DAWGS!!!!!
UGA VII 34-14 

Cincinnati at Oklahoma
If the Boomer Sooner runs around the stadium after every touchdown…
They are going to need some more ponies…
MIGHTY SOONERS 48-17

The Citadel at Clemson
The Tigers are Mad as Hell….
and that is really bad news for the Bulldogs…
TOMMY’S TIGERS 38-10

Utah State at Oregon
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game…
QUACKS 3-2

Oregon State at Penn State
The Beavers will not be very Happy in Happy Valley….
There are few things as sad as an unhappy beaver…it’s true.
JO PA’S LIONS 33-28

Mississippi at Wake Forest
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt; this week I don’t.
DEMON DEACONS 27-24

Sacramento State at Colorado State
Gosh I wish I cared, I really do.
But I don’t….
RAMS 34-13

Eastern Washington at Colorado
Great NEWS!
My Sister-In-Law will be running out onto the Field as Ralphie the Colorado mascot!!
Do you know what that means?
She has worked two weeks in a row!
BUFFALOS 38-10

San Diego State at Notre Dame
Did you know that ancient Aztec indians used to sacrifice human beings to satisfy the Gods and ensure good luck?
You know what is strange about that?
Because that’s exactly what the Notre Dame Administration is going to do to Coach Charlie if he doesn’t win this game…
FIGHTING IRISH 33-13

Tennessee Tech at Louisville
If the Cardinals lose this game their Coaches will have to go into the Witness Protection Program..
CARDINALS 43-17

Richmond at Virginia
I wish I could pull for Richmond in this one….
But I know the capitol fell to the yankees and the arabs quite a few years ago..
CAVALIERS 31-28

West Virginia at East Carolina
A “New Kids on the Block” Reunion and Temple wins…
All we need now is Skip Holtz to win two weeks in a row and it’s Armageddon.
MOUNTAINEERS 31-17

Texas A&M at New Mexico
Seriously, I really do have R. C. Slocum’s phone number if any Aggies want it…
GIG EM AGGIES 23-21

Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Monkeys are cleaning themselves on the Animal Planet or I would watch this one, really…
PANTHERS 7-6

Western Carolina at Florida State
Nothing says Football Time In Tallahassee, like seeing Coach Bobby in his colored wielding goggles and Viet Cong Hat on the sidelines….
Ahhhh Good Times…..
SEMINOLES 33-10

Norfolk State at Kentucky
I will not doubt the Awesome Power of BLUE Again…
WILDCATS 38-10

William and Mary at North Carolina State
Bill and Mary must be liquored up to schedule this game…
WOLFPACK 27-17

California at Washington State
I would watch this game but, this is the time I have set aside to rearrange my sock drawer.
BEARS 6-3

Southeast Missouri State at Missouri
MO Knows football….
I am just not sure that the Rand McNally MO knows…
MO’S TIGERS 48-10

Louisiana Tech at Kansas
The Bulldogs will keep it close for two quarters….
JAYHAWKS 33-24

South Florida at Central Florida
The Golden Knights are going down…
And that’s No Bull…
BULLS 27-17 

Tulane at Alabama
Even Green Waves will not stop the High Tide….
CRIMSON TIDE 34-14

Kent State at Iowa State
Many of you may not know, but I am on a number of anti-war protestors websites and blogs because of what I have said about Kent State being “The Home of Anti-War Protestors and National Guard Bullet Traps…”
I am so proud of the fact that they hate me…
CYCLONES 31-17

Murray State at Indiana
I wish the Hoosiers would rename their team the “Homers”…
If you saw someone in an Indiana sweatshirt you could ask them if they were Homer-Sexual…
I would never get tired of that…
HOMERS 27-10

Northwestern at Duke
I have a philosophical question for you all….
What if they had a football game and nobody came?
Which just basically described every season of Duke Football for the last twenty years…
WILDCATS 3-2

Northwestern State at Baylor
I always try to pick one game a year that I know (Or hope) Baylor will win…
This is that game…
BEARS 24-10

Tulsa at North Texas
I really don’t want to know what is “So Golden” about their Hurricanes…
It just sounds sooo nasty.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Southeastern Louisiana at Mississippi State
Lions from Hammond get treed by angry Bulldogs; Film at Eleven….
CROOM’S BULLDOGS 31-13

Maryland at Middle Tennessee
Are you going to question the power of the Ninja Turtles?
Shame on you….
FIGHTN TURTLES 24-17

Arkansas at Louisiana Monroe
Monroe is on the tail end of his “Southeastern Conference Beat My Ass and Pay Me” Tour…
RAZORBACKS 28-13

Stephen F. Austin at Texas Christian
A University named after a Hero of Texas…
The Other is Home to Bob Lilly and the Mighty Horned Frogs…
This is a tough call….
HORNED FROGS 24-10 

Houston at Oklahoma State
Cats can’t take the Cowboys in Stillwater…
It’s a rule…
COWBOY UP! 31-23

Montana State at Kansas State
My buddy says everything from Bozeman Sucks…including the damn Bobcats.
I love those Grizzly Fans..
WILDCATS 43-10

Minnesota at Bowling Green
Damn those Golden Gophers…with their Golden Fleece Butt Fur…
I forgot were I was going with this one..
Sorry…
O SOOOO GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-23

Miami (FL) at Florida
The Folks in Miami have Hurricanes…
But the Folks in Gainesville have Superman…
MIGHTY GATORS 24-14

Troy at LSU
I always liked Troy…
But he is in for a Cajun Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10
EDITORS NOTE: Due to Hurricane Damage this game is postponed until November..Then Troy gets his ass whipped.

Rice at Memphis
Which is it going to be?
The King of Rock and Roll…
Or My Favorite Pudding?
Bill Cosby it is….
RICE PUDDING 31-27

Texas State at Southern Methodist
Saturday Night…
In Big D…
Owenby Field…

EDITORS NOTE: I KNOW it’s Ford this and that NOW…But it’s still Owenby Field to ME!

MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17

Texas Tech at Nevada
Get Those Guns UP! 
RED RAIDERS 43-24 

Stanford at Arizona State
If “Tree” wins this game…then the Terrorists win.
Think about it…
SUN DEVILS 24-20

Toledo at Arizona
There is a T.J. Hooker Marathon on Tv Land or I would watch this one..
WILDCATS 6-3

Texas at UTEP
The Mighty Longhorns will dispatch with Alphabet Soup U….
Before you can sing, “The Eyes of Texas are Upon You..”
LONGHORNS 38-17

Weber State at Hawaii
I didn’t know the Company that makes those BBQ Grills had it’s own college?
WARRIORS BALLROOM DANCING ON RAINBOWS 43-0

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB