As I continue to recuperate from my ride with the lightening, a document of Biblical proportions was brought to my attention by a good friend of mine who just so happens to be a University of Texas Longhorn Alumni

He provided me with this bombshell that he attained through the Republic of Texas Freedom Act.

It’s the actual text messages from former Arkansas Razorback Coach Bobby Petrino and his 25 year old blonde mistress that took place during the Arkansas – Vanderbilt game this past year on October 29, 2011.

As you may remember the game between the Arkansas Razorbacks and the Vanderbilt Commodores in Nashville was a close contest, closer that any of the experts predicted and now we know why. Although the Razorbacks struggled mightily throughout the game, they eventually won 31-28.

Due to the lengthy content of texts that took place during the game we will only look at a brief period that took place halfway into the fourth quarter.

BACKGROUND: The Nationally ranked Number 8 Arkansas Razorbacks had fallen behind by 14 points to the unranked Vanderbilt Commodores in Nashville and were struggling in the middle of the fourth quarter to make a comeback against the upset minded Commodores.

What you might not have realized is that during the game Coach Bobby Petrino used text messaging throughout the game to not only text his mistress but to text his assistant offensive coordinator as well.

One of the assistant offensive coordinators would receive the “calls” from Coach Bobby and then relayed the play to the offensive coordinator on the field to signal the play to the quarterback.

For the purposes of this re-enactment Offensive Coordinator Number 1 will receive the incoming messages from Arkansas Head Coach Bobby Petrino and then relay that play to Offensive Coordinator Number 2 who will then relay that play to quarterback.

The score stands at Vanderbilt 28 and Arkansas 14 midway into the fourth quarter, we resume the action as Arkansas has the football first and ten at their own twenty yard line after a Vanderbilt punt.

TEXT MESSAGES

Offensive Coordinator #1: What are you thinking here coach?

COACH BOBBY: Who’s your Big Hawg?

Offensive Coordinator #1: What? You want to run a goal line formation at the 20?

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: (Smiley Face)

Offensive Coordinator #2: He wants to call a run? Seriously?

Offensive Coordinator #1: Bobby is genius, he must see something we don’t

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are like the hottest coach EVER! (Smiley Face)

COACH BOBBY: I’ve got something hot for you

Offensive Coordinator #1: I hope so coach because we just lost three yards on that last play

COACH BOBBY: What? Wait. No run the Dallas X47 Out Dash

Offensive Coordinator #1: That’s more like it Boss

Offensive Coordinator #2: Finally!

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I can’t wait to show you this trick I learned (Smiley face)

COACH BOBBY: You have a special trick 2 show me?

Offensive Coordinator #1: Not on hand coach but we could run the Denver 26 Cut In-N-Out

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are such a naughty Hog (Smiley face)

COACH BOBBY: You’re so naughty!!!!!!!!!!!

Offensive Coordinator #1: What? I called the play just like you said!

Offensive Coordinator #2: Good call on the Denver 26 cut Z in and out; we have another first down, what’s next ?????

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I bought a nurses uniform, it’s sooooo naughty

COACH BOBBY: That is so hot

Offensive Coordinator #1: What is Coach?

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U ARE! (Smiley Face)

COACH BOBBY: Ok where are we again here ????

Offensive Coordinator #2: What’s he saying I am going to have to call a time out if we can’t signal a damn play in!

Offensive Coordinator #1: Hang on; the coach is under a lot of pressure here!

COACH BOBBY: I can’t wait to play doctor with you! I will bring my big needle! (Smiley Face)

Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach wants us to call Doc Needle Down 22

Offensive Coordinator #2: What the hell? He wants a quarterback sneak?

Offensive Coordinator #1: He knows what he’s doing

Offensive Coordinator #2: It’s second and 15 after the penalty!

Offensive Coordinator #1: He knows what he’s doing

COACH BOBBY: I’m so hot for you right now u naughty nurse I think I need a complete checkup!

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: Will I get a spanking for being so naughty (frowny face)

COACH BOBBY: What was that one thing you did the other night what did you call it?

Offensive Coordinator #1: Flea flicker play? The one we did in practice?

Offensive Coordinator #2: What’s he saying?

Offensive Coordinator #1: Down Town Brown 88

Offensive Coordinator #2: Flea flicker? I should have taken the job at Nebraska

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: (Smiley Face)

COACH BOBBY: (EDITED Comment due to this is a family column)

Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach we don’t have that number in our playbook

Offensive Coordinator #2: I have to call another time out if we don’t call in a play right NOW!!

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are such a naughty Hog (Smiley Face)

Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach must be dyslexic from all the stress so call 96 Snake

Offensive Coordinator #2: Now you are talking. I was just joking about the job with Nebraska they never offered me a job

Offensive Coordinator #1: Whatever

Offensive Coordinator #1: TOUCHDOWN! Great Call Coach!

COACH BOBBY: We Just scored!

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are going 2 score later u big naughty hog!
(Smiley face)

Offensive Coordinator #1: Going for one point here coach

COACH BOBBY: I’m going for it all!!!!!!!!!

Offensive Coordinator #1: That’s the attitude coach!

COACH BOBBY: Yeah the One Point thing, we still have time to win

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U Can Have it all 2 Naughty Hog Man!

Offensive Coordinator #2: Seriously I was only joking about the job with Nebraska

Offensive Coordinator #1: Let it go dude

COACH BOBBY: I am going 2 send you that picture of me again that’s a side shot!!!

Offensive Coordinator #1: You want an onside kick? Are you sure?

Offensive Coordinator #2: What’s he saying?

COACH BOBBY: Yeah Ok whatever onside kick sure go ahead

Offensive Coordinator #2: Our kicker pulled a groin muscle he can’t do that!

Offensive Coordinator #1: Just call the play dumbass

Offensive Coordinator #2: Seriously I was only joking about the job with Nebraska

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I want you to cross the goal line later! (Smiley Face)

COACH BOBBY: I will cross the goal line!!!

Offensive Coordinator #1: That’s the spirit coach!

Offensive Coordinator #2: I cannot believe we got the ball back after the onside kick it’s a damn miracle

Offensive Coordinator #1: What did I tell you! He’s a genius!

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I have some hot wax and a monkey mask waiting 4 U!

COACH BOBBY: I’m such a dirty monkey

Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach wants to call “Go Bananas”

Offensive Coordinator #2: Bold Move

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U Are a Very Bad Monkey!! (Smiley Face)

COACH BOBBY: We just scored again and we R all tied up!

Offensive Coordinator #1: Genius Coach!

Offensive Coordinator #2: I’m a believer now

25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U R going to get tied up later U dirty monkey!!!!!

Certainly there was more, but I think its best, under the circumstances to keep the rest of it close hold, after all this is a family column.

But in the words of Hank Hill

Damn It Bobby

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s been a long 2011 College Football Season…
This column is a labor of love and it’s a pleasure to be able to bring you the weekly college football picks and the occasional story throughout the season. But I couldn’t do it alone and I don’t.

I want to take a moment to thank a few people for keeping me going throughout this college football season, without their help, encouragement and humor it would have been damn near impossible to bring you all something worth reading week after week.

I want to thank Harley and his Gang from South Georgia who had the most popular article on the website this season with the “South Georgia Football News and Views”. I would also like to thank Harley’s wife who allows me to steal so much of his time during the football season.

Harley’s insight and wit were more valuable to me this season than I have words to say other than
“Thank you my friend”

I would like to thank Deke, Col J and the Eglin Boys for their friendship, encouragement and humor, not just this season, but throughout the years; it’s what has kept me going in good times and not so good times…Thank you all.

I want to say “Thank you” to Ed and Miss Pam at Stonybrook Cabins and Chalets in beautiful Gatlinburg Tennessee. There are no finer people on the planet than Ed and Miss Pam.

Not that this will turn into a shameless plug, but it will….
Look them up at http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/
There isn’t any place like it, anywhere….

I would be remiss if I didn’t thank the World’s Greatest Agent and Crimson Princess and her beautiful family for all their encouragement and support and well timed humor. I don’t know what I would do without Jill, Christy and Miss Kaye. I Love you all.

I want to thank “Beaver Jim” and “Bulldog Jim” respectively for their college football insight, humor and leads on stories. I appreciate you both, more than you know.

Lastly I want to thank you readers….
For taking the time out of your day to read my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and the occasional not-so-good, they keep me honest.
I need that…..

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will take a break for a couple of weeks, but will return.
But before I depart I want to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

By now the last of the confetti has drifted across the floor of the New Orleans Super Dome and all the celebratory cheers and celebrations have only just begun in Tuscaloosa.

The University of Alabama Crimson Tide are the 2011 National Champions of College Football

It was a battle…

It was relentless…

It was “Big Boy” football as it was meant to be played.

It was a game for the ages and unfortunately someone had to lose.

My voice is hoarse this morning and my head hurts and I haven’t been to sleep but I am happy, so very happy for my Crimson Tide family, friends and former teammates.

And I am happy for the Southeastern Conference who has won yet another National Championship in College Football for six consecutive years.

Certainly there are detractors and most of them live in Stillwater Oklahoma, where presumably the four mentally challenged voters in the AP Poll live that cast their Number One ballots for the Oklahoma State Cowboys.

So let me say this…..

If you do not think that the LSU Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide are the two best teams in college football, then you are a complete dumbass and you should be forced to live in Brent Musburger’s underwear until the start of the 2012 College Football Season.

To my beloved LSU Tiger friends, I hate it for you, because we respect each other.

I have nothing but love and admiration for you all and you know that to be true.

And I know that it may be hard to believe at the moment….

But the sun still came up this morning; it’s just shining a little bit brighter in Tuscaloosa

I will enjoy this one for a long while, not because we defeated the Bayou Bengals

But because the Alabama Crimson Tide are the Champions of College Football.

And I know that somewhere Coach Bryant is smiling….

Amen….

ROLL TIDE ROLL

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s time to go Bowling and as promised your first installment of the 2011 Bowl Games.

Just a few games on tap until next week, but there is enough to keep you interested.

There is more on the way, a lot more so stay tuned

Enjoy your Bowl Games…..

Saturday December 17th

Semi-Final College Football Playoff
Georgia Southern at North Dakota State
Conventional wisdom would say that the Thundering Bison have an advantage over the Eagles in this matchup due to the weather in the beautiful Dakota’s this time of year.
But just one thing…..
They are playing the game in a Dome…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 34-24

The GILDAN New Mexico Bowl
Temple and Wyoming
What the Hell is a “GILDAN”, isn’t that something you get from setting on toilet seats at Greyhound bus stations? Maybe they should have called this the “Penicillin Bowl”
I’m just saying…
COWBOY UP! 28-24

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Ohio and Utah State
Really, a “Famous Potato Bowl”, really?
What’s next the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Bowl?
FRANK’S KATS 38-34

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
San Diego State and Louisiana Lafayette
Who came with an idea to have a “carrier” for a bowl sponsor?
It’s the cold and flu season for God’s sake..
SEMI-RAGIN CAJUNS 31-28

Tuesday December 20th

Beef O’Brady’s Bowl St Petersburg
Florida International and Marshall
I have but one thing to say about this Bowl game….
It sounds like it’s sponsored by a Male Stripper….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-21

Wednesday December 21st

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Texas Christian and Louisiana Tech
You know your Bowl game has too many sponsors…
When the name of the Bowl won’t fit on the back of a football jersey, enough said.
HORNED FROGS 43-24

Thursday December 22nd

MAACO Bowl Las Vegas
Arizona State and Boise State
MAACO, isn’t that the name of a Shark?
If that’s the case shouldn’t this game have been sponsored by Sea World?
BLUE BRONCOS 43-38

Enjoy your Bowls and I will see you all next week with more….

Stay Tuned and Enjoy your weekend

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Thanksgiving is here and it’s time for us all to be thankful and count our blessings; and this Thanksgiving with have a menu full of hard feelings, rivalries and animosity.

For your viewing pleasure we have Civil Wars, Clean Old Fashioned Hate, Battles and Bells, Showdowns, Golden Boots and a variety of Cups, one is even an Apple Cup.
Then we have a Bowl of Iron.

So set back and relax, while you can; It’s Rivalry Weekend

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather surprising (All things considered) 47 and 16 or 75% last week.
That leaves me at 635 and 180 or 78% after 12 weeks of the 2011 college football season.
But let’s not focus on the negative here.

It’s Thanksgiving and I am more of a Norman Rockwell traditionalist when it comes to this wonderful holiday. I know that’s “old fashioned” but I enjoy it.

There are so many traditions, too many to mention, and certainly each family has their own traditions they adhere to this time of year.
And for many of us it’s a time of deep reflection and melancholy as we remember the Thanksgivings of yesterday.

But I think perhaps my favorite Thanksgiving tradition is when sometime during the festive weekend I get all liquored up and decide to make some bad decisions.

Don’t judge me; half of you are planning on doing the same thing.

Have a Great Thanksgiving

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello, to you all. I went to a football game Friday night and watched some college ball on Saturday. But, this week, I’m not going to write about those games because a guy you may have heard of, originally from Minneapolis Minnesota, died Sunday night and I’m sad.
His name was Larry Munson. I loved listening to that man. I know if you are a Georgia Bulldog football fan, you loved listening to him too. Larry was like us. He was one of us.
When me and the rest of the folks down here go to see the Telfair Trojans on a Friday night, we don’t care anything about Clinch, or Hawkinsville, or Wilcox. We’re pulling for our team to beat anybody that walks on that field against us.

Maybe that’s why we loved Larry Munson so much.
Because he didn’t care anything about Florida, or Alabama, or Auburn, or Tennessee.
He wanted to see HIS Bulldogs….Our Bulldogs, win every time they stepped out on the field. Maybe we loved him so much because there are so many more Bulldog fans all over the great state of Georgia that can’t get to Athens on Saturdays and watch a game and he was our link to Sanford Stadium, Bryant-Denny, Jordan-Hare and all those other revered cathedrals spread across the South.

We loved him because he brought those Dogs into our trucks and tractors and homes every week before there was ESPN or Fox Sports or Sports South or an SEC Network.

Back in those days, down here in the country, we only got one, maybe two TV stations. We might see our home team once maybe twice in a season if they were up in the Top 10 of the polls. So, we turned on the radio and tuned in the local station and went about our day on the tractor pulling a bush hog, riding to the barber shop to get the weekly haircut, or sitting on the front porch with a cold glass of iced tea, and listened. And Larry was always there to prod, push, and cajole those Bulldogs to another victory or heartbreaking defeat. He didn’t wax poetic about what was going on during the game.
He just talked, and yelled, in that unmistakable Larry Munson voice, with that unmistakable description of the events that were unfolding on the field and told us what was going on. Sometimes he didn’t even tell you what had happened on the field. But you knew. “Run, Lindsay, Run…”, “We just stomped them in the face with a hobnail boot…”, “My God Almighty, He ran through two men. Herschel ran right over two men!! They had him dead away inside the nine!!!”

For those of us my age, we grew up with Larry. I’m in my 50’s and remember those balmy September afternoons riding to Workmore or McRae with my daddy. He always had the radio on the Bulldogs games on those Saturday afternoons. He wasn’t an emotional man, but when Georgia would score, or stuff a drive, or kick a field goal, and Larry was working us up to a frenzy, he’d just smile.

I can hear him now……

Can you?

“Whaddaya got, Loran?”

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dude, man, like you’re about extra-terrestrial man.
I really dig your site, man, like it’s really cool.
But, dude, man, check it out.
My names Doobie, and like, maaaaaaaan, you’re not gonna believe this, man.
Like, man, you know how everybody always talks about old dude from LSU, what’s his name? Ahhhh, yeah, that Les Miles dude? Yah, that’s it.
Well, you know, you hear how everybody’s always talking about him eating grass at the games and stuff? Well, check it out, dude. I live down the street from the old dude, you know? Well, when he like first got here I was walking down the street, like just minding my own business, cause my Volkswagon was in the shop.
Well, ole dude is out in his front yard and he’s like real nervous and all and I’m walkin down the road smoking a little weed and he smells it and looks over at me.
Well, dude, he looked like a cop or something, you know?
And I thought I was busted cause he came walking out to the road and he like starts talkin bout how stressed out he is cause he has ADD or something and he can’t tell time sometimes and people get mad at him or something.
And he goes, like, DUDE, is that like a marijuana cigarette and, like, I say yeah, you wanna hit? And he’s like hell, why not? So he sits there and smokes the WHOLE DAMN THING!!! Well, he’s like, dude, this is pretty neat!!! And he starts talkin bout something about a game or something and he’s like man, you gotta hook me up, dude. Get me some more of this stuff!!! So I’m like, okay, dude, chill and don’t talk so loud.
So he gives me a hundred dollars and I start walking off and I turn around and look and he’s like acting like a cow, down on his hands and knees like grazing in the front yard from the munchies. So, I just wanted to tell you Wizard dude like this dudes been getting all my best weed every fall and won’t leave me alone until after January and I don’t know what to do. Can you, like, help me man?

Doobie Jenkins
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

A: Thank you for the considerate email Doobie, but I have one question….
Was “Old Dude” wearing a #7 LSU Jersey?

Q: DEAR SIR!!!!!!!!!!
Didja see that pro football game last night? I mean, I just can’t believe it!!!!
You know I was real upset when my baby and always love Tim Tebow ran away from my Flarda Gaters but I just can’t stay mad at that boy for long.
You know, when I see him given everybody that cute little smile my heart just melts. Well, anyways, them Denver Broncos went and whupped them Yankee boy New York Jets last night!!!!
And you know what else?
I KNEW it was gonna happen even before it did!!!!
See, my cousin that lives up there near Live Oak called me up and said he had this video game or something called The Mad NFL or something.
He said that Saturday after the Care-lina game that he was so upset and distraught that that turncoat Steve Spurrier beat our gaters that he decided to just play that video football.
And he said he played them Broncos against the Jets like a dozen times and he pertended to be Tim Tebow on there and guess what!!!! He said he won every time!!!
So it was like I had me a vision and ESP and all at the same time cause I knew my baby was gonna win that game AND THEY DID!!!!
I truly believe deep in my heart of hearts that my sugar baby Tim Tebow is on a mission. I mean, I know that real life football game aint no video game but I think the Lord Almighty must have him one of those video controller thangs and is makin the love of my life TIM TEBOW WIN!!!!
I mean, I hear them sports folks talkin on TV bout how by beloved Tim couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle when it comes to throwin the ball, but it’s like some kinda divine intervention when he decides to skedaddle and run with that football.
What do ya think of that Mr Wizard!!!
I think Tim Tebow is gonna win him a Super Bowl to go along with his National Championships!!!!!! And you know what else? It’s like destiny cause the Bronco’s has got orange in their uniforms too, just like them FLARDA GATERS!!!!!
Go Gaters!!!!
Tracy in Homassassa

A: What have I been telling you Tracy, “Good things come to those who wait”

Q: Dear Sir,

Although I am world renowned, I have fallen on some hard times lately.
You see, I recently left the sunny climes of Hawaii, in search of more business due to economic reasons. I did extensive research and came to the conclusion that there would be a ‘bountiful’(no pun intended) supply of criminals needing to be picked up in Knoxville, Tennessee. All I had to do was check the sports pages to reach this decision. My problem now is that the University of Tennessee seems to have cleaned up its act a little and business is way off. I am now looking at relocating to another location near an institution of higher learning that has a major football program. I have narrowed it down to Gainesville, Florida and Eugene, Oregon. Could you please provide a little insider knowledge on the possibilities at these two schools?

Thank you,
Dog the Bounty Hunter.

A: You are the Man Dog, I will hook you up with all you need to know about Eugene Oregon and Good Hunting, it should be a target rich environment.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN COLLEGE GAMEDAY: Coach Lee Corso; you almost made me pee on myself last Saturday and by the looks of Kirk, I wasn’t the only one…

We Love you Coach

SOUTHERN MISS: Really Golden Eagles? You lost to UAB?
I am far too upset to say anything else………………….

OKLAHOMA STATE: I am sorry I wasn’t paying attention….

What were you all saying about that 28 year old quarterback being a Heisman Trophy candidate? I thought I heard something about a National Championship game, something or another?

I’m sorry I wasn’t listening; I was watching the celebration in the Ames Iowa…

OKLAHOMA: Sooners, please see above and insert your own cuss words concerning the Baylor Bears

OREGON: I think this picture says it all….

CLEMSON: You lost the damn Textile Bowl…..
And worse you caused me to have a tourette’s attack….

FLORIDA STATE: I am too mad to talk to you at the moment….

MONTANA: Congratulations Mighty Grizzlies on winning “The Brawl of the Wild”

ARIZONA: Soooooooooooooooooo you are going to hire Rich Rod and his ten dollar hooker wife to run the wildcat football program. I have but one thing to say….

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enclosed is a Great Picture of “Rita Rod” going to the Arizona Wildcat News Conference with “Coach Rod”……One word: Classy

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 22nd

Miami (OH) at Ohio
This Buckeye Battle doesn’t have a great deal of hatred involved.
But there is enough animosity to make it fun to watch
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Thursday November 24th

Texas and Texas A&M
The Last Lone Star Showdown…..
I still can’t believe I won’t see another one in my lifetime.
It’s a damn shame….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-21

Friday November 18th

Louisville at South Florida
I am going “Upset Special” in this one…..
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 21-17

Houston at Tulsa
This game will be more offensive than Hillary Clinton in a bikini
(Don’t blame me if you got sick over that visual, you probably ate too much yesterday)
MIGHTY COUGARS 53-38

Iowa at Nebraska
This “new” rivalry in the Big Ten (something or another) is called….
“The Hero’s Game” and it’s played for the “Hero’s Trophy”
I honestly don’t know why anyone would play a football game for a giant Sub Sandwich
But Ok, I guess….
CORN KIDS 28-24

Kent State at Temple
If you are watching this game instead of Arkansas and LSU…..
Then you have too many issues to be addressed in this short column, but please seek professional psychiatric help immediately.
HOOTERS 31-28

Bowling Green at Buffalo
The Bills are to College Football what Richard Simmons is to Fitness.
FALCONS 38-17

Akron at Western Michigan
In a fight between a kangaroo and a Bronco….
(Still not sure why a college in northern Ohio has a kangaroo for a mascot)
I will go with a Kangaroo, maybe because I like Outback Steakhouse
ZIPPY 31-28

Toledo at Ball State
I got it….
The Rocket’s and the Cardinal’s are all excited about this game
I’m waiting on the LSU – Arkansas game, How about you?
RICKY ROCKET 34-31

Arkansas at LSU
This game is called the Battle for the Golden Boot and make no mistake about it…
The two schools, fans and players hate each other
This one can easily go either way…Believe it
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-28

Colorado at Utah
Have I mentioned that Colorado hasn’t won an away game since the Two Utes were just “One” Ute?
TWO UTES 38-17

Boston College at Miami
I will be far to exhausted (Before and After) The Battle for the Golden Boot…
To care about this game, sorry
HURRICANES 28-21

Pittsburgh at West Virginia
They call this game “The Backyard Brawl”
It is that and more….
It’s a war until the final whistle blows
Light Those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-21

UTEP at Central Florida
The Folks from El Paso visit the Boys from O’ Town (Not the musically challenged defunct Boy Band) and there isn’t much to worry about here…
The Knights are Golden….
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-34

California at Arizona State
I was going to watch this game but Turkey makes me sleepy….
Even watching two turkeys like these teams playing football makes me sleepy
SUNNY DEVILS 33-17

Saturday November 19th

Georgia at Georgia Tech
This bitter rivalry is known by a very simple name….
“Clean, Old fashioned Hate” and it’s played for the Governors Cup
Larry, this one is for you….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 34-17

Michigan State at Northwestern
The Spartans are headed to the Big Ten (Whatever) Title Game…
Believe it..
MEN OF SPARTA 28-13

Ohio State at Michigan
This hate filled game is known simply as “The Game”
The animosity and the bitterness lasts for generations.
This one is going to be closer than you might think and could go either way
WOLVERINES 24-17

Rutgers at Connecticut
You aren’t really going to watch this game with all the rivalry games on are you?
I didn’t think so….
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-17

Cincinnati at Syracuse
I really don’t get the Syracuse Mascot….
“Otto the Orange”?
He looks like the Cool-Aide man had a baby with a jar of Tang.
BEARKATS 24-17

Rice at Southern Methodist
This rivalry in the Lone Star State is called “The Battle for the Mayors Cup”
I’m a Mighty Mustang Man (Even though I’m Baptist, not Methodist)
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 43-17

Tennessee at Kentucky
This fierce border rivalry is played for the Bourbon Barrel and Tennessee has owned it
They still do….
VOWELS 21-17

Maryland at North Carolina State
You’re not seriously considering switching to this game are you?
WOLF PACK 28-24

The Second Round of the Division II Playoffs
North Alabama at Delta State
They met once earlier in the season and the Okra Fried the Lions late in the game
The Lions return the favor today…
FLORENCE LIONS 34-31

Troy at Western Kentucky
Helen was the prettiest woman in all of Troy Alabama and since she eloped with that traveling salesman a few years ago the town hasn’t been the same.
TOPPERS 28-24

Wyoming at Boise State
You know what you say when a cowboy falls off his horse?
Cowboy Down!
BRONCO’S 56-10

Nevada at Utah State
The Wolf Pack are going to have their paws full of the Aggies in this one
PACK of WOLVES 38-34

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called “The Civil War” and it’s played for the Platypus trophy
Make no mistake about it, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry.
(I hope like hell I am wrong here)
QUACKS 38-24

Virginia Tech at Virginia
This game in the Commonwealth of Virginia is played for “The Commonwealth Cup”
It’s Thanksgiving, time to go with the Turkeys
FIGHTING GOBBLERS 21-17

Penn State at Wisconsin
The Lions aren’t out of the Big Ten (or Fourteen whatever) Title picture yet
This one will be close, real close….
BUCKY the BADGER 28-17

Texas Tech at Baylor
I have feeling this game is going to be uglier than your Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean Casserole
BEARS 43-17

Florida International at Middle Tennessee State
Thus one might be close, until the Hilton Panther breaks it open
HILTON PANTHERS 33-28

Purdue at Indiana
Ah another Big Ten (or Twenty Four) Rivalry game….
This one is played for the “Old Oaken Bucket”
As opposed to the “keeping it green” mulch monkey recycled bucket
Those are two completely different Trophy’s
BOILERMAKERS 21-17

Illinois at Minnesota
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call it a feeling…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24

Duke at North Carolina
This Rivalry on Tobacco Road is played for the “Victory Bell”
And it will stay with the Tar Heels until Hell Freezes Over..
TAR HEELS 34-24

Vanderbilt at Wake Forest
I’m in an “Upset” kind of a mood….
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
COMMODORES 21- 17

East Carolina at Marshall
When these two teams meet it takes me back to November 14 1970…
The day of the Marshall plane crash…..
I haven’t forgotten it; I know the fine people of Huntington haven’t either
This pick is for them….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-24

Missouri at Kansas
This game has been a Border War since before the Civil War….
The Kansas “red legs” against the Quantrill’s Raiders….
This “game” is a Border War and it’s played for the Indian War Drum and the Lamar Hunt Trophy. I’m a James – Younger Man
MO’S TIGERS 43-10

Memphis at Southern Miss
This game is called the “Black and Blue Bowl”
I think the Tigers will leave this game “All Shook Up”
Thank you, Thank you very much..
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

UAB at Florida Atlantic
You don’t have to remind me that the Blazers won last week or that the Owls aren’t playing worth a Hoot. This one is a toss up…
HOOT OWLS 24-17

New Mexico State at Louisiana Tech
I talked this week with Lasso Larry about this game….
He watched a film and the Tech Bulldog mascot happened to be “cleaning” himself
Larry said…..”I sure wish I could do that”
That’s when I said…
“That dog will bite the Hell out of you if you try that!”
BULLDOGS 34-24

Air Force at Colorado State
This Rocky Mountain Rivalry is played for the coveted “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
Aim High…..
MIGHTY FALCONS 28-24

Florida State at Florida
This bitter rivalry is called “The Sunshine Showdown”
It’s going to be ugly
MIGHTY GATORS 24-23

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
Outside the Iron Bowl I can think of no rivalry in college football as hateful as this one
“The Egg Bowl” for the “Golden Egg Trophy”
Houston leaves Oxford with Egg on his face.
BULLY DOGS 33-10

Washington State at Washington
This rivalry in the Great Northwest is played for “The Apple Cup”
Yeah I don’t care either…
HUSKIES 21-17

Clemson at South Carolina
The Battle of the Palmetto State for the Hardee’s Trophy
Or to put it another way….
“The I Hate Your Guts Bowl”
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Iowa State at Oklahoma
I bet the Sooners are glad this game isn’t played in Ames Iowa under the lights
It will still be closer than OU might think…
BOOMER SOONER 34-24

Notre Dame at Stanford
This “big” rivalry game is played for the “Legend’s Trophy”
Don’t feel bad, I don’t care either
CARDINAL 28-24

Louisiana Lafayette at Arizona
I’m sorry, I am still laughing about Arizona hiring Rich Rod….
WILDCATS 17-7

San Jose State at Fresno State
This rivalry game in the land of outrageous property taxes and illegal aliens is called..
“The Fresno State – San Jose State Rivalry Game”
How original…
BULLDOGS 28-24

UCLA at Southern California
This game in the land of Gang Violence and Media Whores is called….
“The Cross Town Showdown” and it’s played for the “Victory Bell”
Yippee Zima for Everybody!
LAME TROJANS 38-21

San Diego State at UNLV
I really don’t care it’s almost time for the Iron Bowl
ANCIENT AZTECS 38-13

Alabama at Auburn
The Great Keith Jackson the voice of College Football (Amen…)
Said this…
“In College Football, there are rivalries and there are rivalries and then…
There is Alabama and Auburn”
This is the Iron Bowl and there is nothing more important.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

Tulane at Hawaii
I better still be celebrating when this game comes on at Midnight on TBS….
WARRIORS electric sliding on RAINBOWS 49-10

Enjoy Your Games….
Happy Thanksgiving to you all

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We are only a week away from Thanksgiving…….

And as we all know that is a special time to be thankful for all that we have, like the hate and animosity that comes with the college football rivalries on the menu the next two weeks.

Ever since the Pilgrims played the Indians to a tie on Plymouth Rock, Thanksgiving is about the cornucopia of college football and the intense rivalries that go with it, that and seeing all the obnoxious relatives that you try and avoid the rest of the year.

We have a lot to discuss, so prepare to get your mean on….

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was Luckier than Andrew but not by much with a 43 and 21 record or 67% (Ouch)

That leaves the CFB Wizard at 588 and 164 or 78% after 11 weeks of college football.

I will be doing a Willie Nelson this week in hopes that my average will take a climb.
And just for the record, by doing a “Willie Nelson”, that does not mean that I will be riding around in a tour bus smoking marijuana, writing music and eating Cheetos.

It means that I am “On The Road Again” and as a side note, I don’t like Cheetos.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

High School football is about as exciting as it gets down here in small town South Georgia on a Friday night. Add to it a little playoff anticipation and folks are just chomping at the bit to get to their local stadiums and cheer the hometown boys to victory and the night is electric. The sights, sounds, and smells wafting over these hallowed football fields make this a special time of the year. I made the short trip down Highway 280 to Rochelle, Georgia to watch the Region 2-A powerhouse Wilcox County Patriots take on the visiting Calhoun Cougars who made the long trip from Edison, Georgia on the other side of Albany, in the first round of the Class A playoffs. The visiting Cats were sporting a 4-7 overall record, while the homestanding Pats were undefeated going into this important game. The Pats scored early and often as they trounced the felines 39-6 in a game that got away from the visitors almost as soon as it started. Quarterback Makail Grace was 10 of 14 for 213 yards in the passing department in just under 2 quarters of play, including a 49 yard pass on the first play from scrimmage to set up Wilcox’s first touchdown. Big Willie Brown carried the mail for the Patriots with 90 bruising yards on 18 carries and elusive Milton Jackson hauled in 3 Touchdown passes and racked up 175 receiving yards on only 6 receptions. This was 2-A football at its finest. The hot Pats now take on the Aquinas Fighting Irish from the Augusta area next week in the Sweet Sixteen round of the playoffs in their quest to take home the trophy.

Congratulations are in order for the Georgia Bulldogs moved another step closer to winning the SEC East with a convincing win over the hapless Tigers from Auburn by a score of 45-7. The Red Clay hounds won in convincing fashion to post their 8th victory in a row on the season. Aaron Murray tossed 4 touchdown passes and broke former Bulldog Mathew Staffords TD record to send the defending National Champions home, declawed and demoralized. You wouldn’t have known this was the Deep South’s oldest rivalry as the hapless felines didn’t even show their claws in a humiliating 35-7 first half as the Cow College scored on 4 of its first 5 possessions and never looked back. The only scoring the Kittens could muster was on a bit of trickeration, which tied the game at 7 early. But, afterward, it was a good, old fashioned trip to the barn for the Barners as the Hounds showed no mercy en-route to a shellacking of their inter state rival, no doubt payback for last years near brawl. Next up for the Dogs are the domesticated house cats from Lexington in a game in which the Dawgs will certainly want to seal the deal to take claim the SEC East title.

On Thursday night in Hot’lanta, the homestanding Bees got buzzed by the Turkeys from Virginia by a 37-26 score. The Slide Rule Jocks couldn’t hold a second half lead and lost any chance of winning the ACC with the loss. The defense was shredded by the Hokies who had over 250 yards rushing. The offense put together some drives but couldn’t sustain momentum as the game slipped out of their grasp. The Jackets take on Duke next week in North Carolina and will try to right the ship after this forgettable night.

The high flying Eagles from Statesboro flew to Spartanburg for an important Southern Conference showdown with a feisty Terrier team from Wofford. However, after the final gun sounded, these birds had thoroughly dominated these toy pups to the tune of 31-10 and captured the SoCon Crown outright. The 9-1 Eagles’ Jaybo Shaw rushed for 3 TD’s and threw a 21 yard scoring strike as a close game and any hope for the Pooches quickly evaporated in the second half. It was evident that the Erk’s Eagles weren’t looking ahead to next weeks huge game against another team you may have heard of….. The Alabama Crimson Tide.

I’m gonna skip the rest of the games inside and outside the conference and get right to the Peach State Prognostication. Seems the Missus has had plenty of “honey-do’s” for me this week and I’m gonna have to get right down to what’s important. That being, what would happen if the “Good Old Fashioned Hate” game were played this week. After the Turkeys laid an egg on Tech and the Cow College grabbed a Tiger by the tail, I’m now a firm believer. The Canines showed me something this weekend in thoroughly humiliating the Plainsmen. The Wreck showed me that not only are they not ready for prime time, I don’t think they’re ready for a big game weekend after next. So here it is, 42-17 in favor of the Flagship University of the Great State of Georgia. The Crystal ball is clearing up, so barring a miracle; I don’t see much in the way of change by the time Turkey Day weekend rolls around. Sorry, Bees.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Sir-

My name is the Right Reverend Jeremiah Kwami Shabazz and I represent all people of color here in the great state of Georgia.
We in the minority community have endured the disparaging characterizations and remarks of the White community for over 200 years, but an indignation of untold proportions has occurred which I feel has permanently damaged the enduring spirit of my brothers and sisters.
Yes, here in Atlanta, in the year 2011, the supposedly prestigious Georgia Institute of Technology has imparted the most racist event since slavery on my people.
There is no excuse for this University conducting a “White Out” at a sporting event in downtown Atlanta. If you do not know, Grant Field is directly across from the poverty stricken, public housing project known as Techwood Homes.
Residents were visibly shaken as the so-called “fans”, if that is what they call themselves, paraded up and down North Avenue in all white attire and face paint and shouting incessantly before and after the football game.
Appalling falls far short of the adjective I would use to describe this tasteless event. What’s next, a halftime cross burning? I beseech you to use your good name and reputation to warn other schools of the error of holding events such as this.

The Right Reverend Jeremiah Kwami Shabazz
Ebeneezer Kingdom of Hope and Change Baptist Church
Atlanta, Georgia

A: Reverend I am at a loss for words…..
Other than to say the Friday after Thanksgiving is known as “Black Friday”, and I hope that you will find solace and comfort in a day…..
when we can all come together to get good deals on a variety of electronics and video games.

Q: Dear Wizard Man –

My name is Feldman Felder and I used to be a purty big time high school quarterback up here in Knoxville.
I mean I’m a real gunslangin fella with a arm that could flling a ball over tha Empire State Building. I’m also a Freshman here at good old Tenn’ssee.

Well, I guess ya’ll heard tha story bout Coach Dooley callin my buddy Derrick on Saturdee afternoon to come in and kick against Middle Tenn’see cause our other kickers got some aches and pain.

Well, let me tell you something I bet you don’t know.
He called me too. He said that if his quarterbacks got any worse he was gonna go ahead and throw me in tha game cause I couldn’t do any worse than the first two guys.
Well, let me tell you, I was proud as a peacock about getting to go up there to that stadium for the game instead of working my part time job.
So, I jumped up from the couch and tried to sober up real quick and beat feat up to the game. I’ll bet you don’t know who else Coach called, do you?
Yep, none other than that fella Houston Nutt. Says ole Houston couldn’t do no worse than his assistants and that he might as well give him another shot at losin more SEC games. So, watch out Mr Wizard, Look out for me next Saturday. I might get my big shot and I want YOU to see it!!!

Feldman Felder – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the email Feldman; we will all anxiously await your moment in the sun as well as the day folks in Knoxville discover “Spell Check”.

Q: Dear Wizard

I got me a hamster named “Hans Solo” (we is all BIG Star War fans in my family)
And that boy can flat pick him some football games!
We also got us a Guinea Pig named “R2D2” but he couldn’t find his furry butt with a flashlight.
Never mind about him, we was a writing to see if you wanted to use Hans Solo as kind of a “Guest Picker” on your column.
Let us know and we will send you a picture of him in his little Hans Solo uniform and forward his picks of the week on to you, what do you say Wizard?
May the Force Be With You

Dale and Deloris – Auburn, Alabama

A: The day I have to depend on an Auburn Fan’s Hamster to make my picks will be the day I retire from this column, but just in case I am keeping your phone number.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN: You have shown us so many pictures of Joe Pa’s house I feel like I have been there…
Seriously, can’t you just leave Joe and his wife alone?
Haven’t they been punished enough already?

PENN STATE: I just have to ask……

So if an older woman is chasing a younger man she is called a “Cougar” right?

Does that mean an older man chasing a younger boy makes him a Nittany Lion?

I’m just asking….

DELTA STATE: The Fighting Okra got fried themselves last week and now the Division II College Football playoffs are wide open.
The Okra better get it together or they will find themselves stewed by the competition.

COLORADO: For all you weather watchers out there…..
It’s True, Hell has indeed frozen over; the Buffalos actually won a home game.

BOISE STATE: I remember reading something from Boise last week…….
How the Southeastern Conference “wasn’t that good” and how much better the Bronco’s were than any of the teams in the Southeastern Conference, to include LSU, Alabama and Arkansas.

The article went on to say that Boise State was “The Best Team” in the country and that they were being slighted by the voters and the BCS committee.

But even with some “very” favorable calls at the end of last week’s game you still couldn’t beat the Horned Frogs on the Blue Turf, so I have to ask; How does that Crow taste this week?

TEXAS: Five points. Five points is all you could muster against MO’s Tigers.
I don’t know whether to be hurt or ashamed.

KENTUCKY: I don’t get it……
The Wildcat Basketball team is ranked Number 2 in the country and their football team is at the opposite of the scale, so what’s really going on?

AUBURN: How is all that “Highest Paid Coaches and Assistant Coaches in College Football” thing working out for you?

OLE MISS: There is one thing you can hang on to this season Rebel Bear Fans….
You have lost most of your games, but you haven’t lost a party.

Congratulations, I think

STANFORD: I am sorry…..
What were you all and the “national” sports media saying about Andrew Luck being “The Greatest Quarterback to ever play College Football”?

I was laughing too hard to hear you, would you mind repeating that again for me?

FLORIDA STATE: The Atlantic Coast Conference referees did everything in their power to keep the Hurricanes in the game in the fourth quarter and you still prevailed.

Congratulations and one other thing….

The SEC wants their referees back, we can’t have another conference with umpires more jacked up than ours, it sends the wrong message, you understand.

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 15th

Ball State at Northern Illinois
I think this one will be high scoring Barn Burner, Just a guess….
SHAGGY DOGS 41-38

Wednesday November 16th

Ohio at Bowling Green
In this Battle of Buckeyes I am going with Frank’s Cats in a close one…
As one would expect…
FRANK’S CATS 29-28

Western Michigan at Miami (OH)
I don’t know about this one, it’s a toss up….
So I will just have to rely on “Prognosticators Intuition” on this game
BRONCO’S 24-21

Thursday November 17th

Marshall at Memphis
I am not sure but I think Elvis has left the building….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-17

Southern Miss at UAB
The Mighty Golden Eagles are on an eight game winning streak and the Blazers are on an incredible “not game winning streak”, so there you have it.
MIGHTY GOLDEN EAGLES 38-14

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
We are far to close to Thanksgiving to go against the Fighting Gobblers
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Friday November 18th

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You do know I’m kidding right?
COWBOY UP! 53-21

Toledo at Central Michigan
This big game in the something or another conference is going to decide “something” really important that few of us actually care anything about.
RICKEY ROCKET 31-28

Saturday November 19th

Citadel at South Carolina
O’ Yeah this one will be “really” close…..
GAMECOCKS 38-6

Minnesota at Northwestern
I have a feeling in this one; I just hope the “feeling” I have wasn’t caused from ill prepared Mexican Food on dollar margarita night.
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Wisconsin at Illinois
Heads of Cheese and Pumpkins O’ Fighting….
Ah Thanksgiving, one of my favorite times of the year…
BUCKEY BADGER 43-24

Nebraska at Michigan
The Wolverines should have seen enough horror movies by now to know what happens when you mess with the Children of the Corn, (Spoiler Alert!) It doesn’t end well.
CHILDREN of the CORN 31-17

Kansas at Texas A&M
This game is going to be uglier than Aunt Edna’s Ten Bean Casserole.
And for the record there is no known intestinal defense involved in that contest either.
GIG EM AGGIES 43-28

Kentucky at Georgia
I don’t know what it is about a football that seems to confuse the folks in Bluegrass Country….
Is it the pointed ends? Because when you round that football out, the Wildcats are hard to stop.
I don’t get it….
SIC EM DAWGS 43-10

Samford at Auburn
Mmmmmmmmmmmm Cupcakes….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 43-0

Army at Temple
I think the Black Knights of the Hudson will overlook the Hooters in preparing for the Mighty Midshipmen, it’s just a guess….
HOOT OWLS 28-24

Furman at Florida
I know Furry Man has had a decent season, but he is no Swamp Thing.
GATOR CHOMP 38-10

Charleston Southern at Presbyterian
Buccaneers and Blue Ho’s in this Carolina Collision….
It should be a good one….
BLUE HO’S 34-24

Eastern Michigan at Kent State
The Flash continues to baffle me this season….
In games they should win, they lose…
In games they should lose they win….
Here we go again
FLASHES of GOLD 24-21

South Dakota at North Dakota
There will be a whole lot of Dakota in this game, but there is only one….
FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-28

Alcorn State at Jackson State
Alcorn better be Brave if they are lining up against the mighty Tigers of Jackson…
Not that it will spare them from a butt whipping, because it’s coming..
WALTER’S TIGERS 34-17

New Mexico at Wyoming
I am going to do something I haven’t done all season….
“No” not Hula-Hoop while I make my weekly selections (That was last week)
I am picking the Cowboys….
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Georgia Southern at Alabama
The Eagles are one of the Best Teams in the Country and that’s a just a fact…
This game will be closer than you might think.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

Wofford at Chattanooga
My Black Lab “Doc” really likes Woof Woof Ford…..
For reasons that I am not quite sure of….
CHOO-CHOO MOCS 28-21

North Dakota State at Western Illinois
The Leathernecks let me down last week on all things, the Marine Corps Birthday…
They may have “overindulged” during the Birthday celebration; it happens.
THUNDERING BISONS 28-27

Montana at Montana State
This rivalry in Big Sky Country is chocked full of hatred and hard feelings….
It’s called “The Brawl of the Wild” and it’s played for “The Great Divide Trophy”
It’s going to be both a “Brawl” and “Wild”, I am going upset in this one…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-23

Tulsa at UTEP
The Miners are playing more like Mimes and the Hurricanes are picking up steam…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-38

Southern Methodist at Houston
The Mighty Mustangs will keep this game interesting…..
Very Interesting….
COUGARS 38-34

Colorado State at Texas Christian
After last week, there is no way I am going against the Horned Amphibians…
By the way, did you all get my “Thank You” Note?
HORNED FROGS 44-17

Mississippi State at Arkansas
The Hogs better not overlook the angry Bulldogs……
It will be closer than you might think, a whole lot closer
HAWG-ZILLA’S 31-17

Penn State at Ohio State
The Lions were looking at a Big Ten (Something or another) Title just over a week ago…
Now, not so much….
BUCKEYES 24-17

Washington at Oregon State
Two things in this game….
The Huskies are playing more like the little Taco Bell dog this season….
And I am a Beaver Man….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Tulane at Rice
This game will highlight two remarkable academic institutions….
That know absolutely nothing about the game of football.
Enjoy……
RICE CAKES 21-17

Texas Tech at Missouri
There is a “Silver Lining” in this game for the Red Raiders….
I have on good authority that with another devastating loss, the Raiders will be invited to…
“The Potted Meat Bowl” in Texarkana Arkansas…..
I like the slogan for the Bowl game; “Potted Meat, the other sweep meat”
MO’S TIGERS 43-24

Navy at San Jose State
In an effort to provide you readers with quality picks and entertainment, I recently did a Google search on San Jose and the search asked if I meant “Loser-ville”…
Enough said….
MIDSHIPMEN 31-17

Boston College at Notre Dame
This game between two Catholic Colleges is called the “Vatican Bowl” and it’s played for the Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl and the Ireland Trophy.
You know, for a game that nobody is going to watch they are giving out more prizes than the “Wheel of Fortune”
FIGHTING IRISH 35-17

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
Bulldogs and Wolves in this game….
I wonder why they didn’t name this one the “Canine Bowl”?
Sometimes I wonder to much…
WOLVES are PACKING 38-34

Utah State at Idaho
The Aggies have proven to be tough all year….
But Famous Potatoes has the “Ida Honkies”…
So enough said…
IDA MAY 28-24

UNLV at Air Force
It wouldn’t be the first time the folks from Vegas have been bombed….
It’s how they roll….
MIGHTY FALCONS 35-17

LSU at Ole Miss
This game will make you believe there should be a “Mercy Rule” in college football..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 139-0

Central Florida at East Carolina
The Boy’s from O Town (Not the musically challenged defunct boy band)
Are in for a rude Carolina welcoming from the Pirates
Believe it…
PIRATES 38-17

Vanderbilt at Tennessee
I haven’t said this concerning this “rivalry” that really isn’t a “rivalry” in a very long time
It’s going to be close, damn close…and it could go either way.
VOWELS 28-24

Western Kentucky at North Texas
You want to know what’s a fun word to say?
MEAN GREEN 33-24

Colorado at UCLA
Have I mentioned that the Buffalos haven’t won an “away” game since William McKinley was President? I have? Well, never mind then….
BRUINS 24-14

Oklahoma at Baylor
I believe this game is going to be a wild one…..
Or as I like to refer to this type of game, “Where did the Defenses Go?”
BOOMER SOONER 44-38

Southern California at Oregon
Gosh I really wanted to watch this game…..
But I just got a new Sponge Bob Chia Pet and it MUST be watered on schedule…
You understand…
QUACKS 7-6

Kansas State at Texas
I know my beloved Longhorns are an underdog in this one….
But I simply can’t force myself to pick against them, it’s just that simple.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-24

Boise State at San Diego State
Let me guess…..
After this game we will all have to listen to how “Boise is Back in the Championship Hunt!”
O’ the Humanity….
BRONCO’S 49-34

Arizona at Arizona State
This Battle in the Land of Sand and Cactus is called “The Duel in the Desert” and it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I read “The Duel in the Desert” I thought I heard the theme music from one of those Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns.
It’s just me?
Great, those damn voices are in my head again….
DEVILS of the SUN 28-24

New Mexico State at Brigham Young
If the Aggies would let Lasso Larry have a foam rubber six shooter I might feel different about this pick and I will tell you why….
Have you ever tried to “rope” a cat?
That story always ends with a trip to the emergency room….
COUGARS 31-17

Fresno State at Hawaii
Believe it or not, this game is actually a “rivalry game”….
I’m serious….
It’s played for the “Golden Screwdriver”
(I’m serious so stop laughing)
And the Screwdriver of Gold goes too….
WARRIORS SCREWDRIVING on RAINBOWS 43-38

Louisville at Connecticut
I still haven’t given up on Charlie’s Cardinals, those boys are stronger than you might think.
STRONGER CARDINALS 31-17

Utah at Washington State
Ok, so Two Utes meet some cougars in a bar…..
Stop me if you have heard this one….
TWO UTES 43-28

Miami at South Florida
Another Battle in the Sunshine State and as you might expect there is a lot at stake in this game.
The winner gets one of those funny plastic hard hats with beer cans on each side and a “best of” Katrina and the Waves CD. Rock on Hurricanes, Rock on….
HURRICANES 43-24

Maryland at Wake Forest
I was going to watch this titanic matchup in the Atlantic Coast Conference but as you know by now, my new Chia Pet must be watered according to the schedule provided in the instructions and unfortunately this game conflicts with that schedule, sorry.
DEMON DEACONS 34-31

Clemson at North Carolina State
The Palmetto Showdown looms for the Tigers, but until then…..
Enjoy the tasty Wolf Pack….
DABO’S TIGERS 38-28

Georgia Tech at Duke
It was reported this week that more students at Duke “watch” Blue Devil basketball practices than attend home football games. So enough said….
YELLOW JACKETS 89-3

Cincinnati at Rutgers
Despite what my adopted Italian family in Atlantic City says….
This one will be closer than you might think and could go either way
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-24

Virginia at Florida State
If the Seminoles let last weeks referees hang around campus for another week then this game could be closer than you might think.
SEMINOLES 28-24

California at Stanford
This instate rivalry in the land of the fruits and the nuts is called “The Big Game” and it’s played for the “Stanford Axe”……
Yippee…
CARDINAL 6-3

Indiana at Michigan State
Based on the above “rivalry” game and subsequent “trophy”….
I can only say that if this game was played for an “axe” I believe the Loosers would get it planted between their eyes by the Spartans.
MEN of SPARTA 43-13

Akron at Buffalo
The Folks in Buffalo have weather that is almost as crappy as their football teams, but they sure do make some tasty wings.
I do enjoy ending the weekly picks on a positive note…
ZIPPY 31-17

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This week’s picks will be in Honor of the Marine Corps Birthday and Veterans Day.

Since 10 November 1775 The United States Marine Corps has stood on the Nation’s porch like a Pit Bull waiting to be unleashed when the occupants of the house are threatened.

We have served in peace and for the past decade, a lot of war, a lot of war.

Some people categorize us as “military”, we are that but we are also a cult; a cult that doesn’t believe in putting your hands in your pockets, walking on grass when wearing dress shoes or carrying umbrellas under any circumstances.

And by chance if you were wondering why the Marines in your workplace this week were always an hour early to work or an hour early to meetings the reason is very simple.

Regardless of the time change real Marines don’t “fall back” for any reason.

I want to take this opportunity to wish a very Happy 236th Birthday to all my Marine Brothers and Sisters past, present and future. And please don’t forget that Friday is Veteran’s Day

If you see a Veteran, don’t thank them for their “service” that sounds like they just got finished rotating and balancing your tires. Thank them for your “Freedom” because that is what their blood, sweat and tears in uniform bought for you.

Enjoy your Picks…..

POST WEEKEND REPLAY

I certainly do appreciate all the “get well” cards this past week and I want to assure you that the liver transplant I received at Wal-Mart from the automotive department went surprisingly well.

I was a bit hesitant about buying a liver from “China” but before you ask how I knew the liver I purchased was from China, which by the way can be found in Wal-Mart between the Sporting Goods and Automotive Departments, it’s because I have this craving to eat a plate of Chicken Chow Mein and loan a large sum of money to the United States government.

I just wish they wouldn’t have used Velcro to stitch me up with….
That stuff catches on everything…

Too bad I didn’t Velcro My picks last week, I might have done better.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 53 and 13 or 80% last week.

And that leaves The CFB Wizard at 545 and 143 or 79% for the season after 10 weeks.

We have a lot to discuss, so let’s get to it.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

With the Big Blue Trojans of Telfair having ended their season, I was set to take a hiatus until next year with this column and do some huntin’ and maybe a little fishing over at Little Ocmulgee Lake. However, The CFB Wizard talked me into hanging around until the end of the High School playoffs and, maybe, the College season.

I am humbled and grateful that people actually read what I’ve written. However, I was kind of at a loss as to what to do with my Friday nights. Well, I decided to take the long drive down to Folkston, Georgia to watch the home standing Indians of Charlton County take on the Clinch County Panthers to see firsthand how the power brokers of Region 2-A were doing in an annual game they call the “Swamp War”. It’s a long 90 mile ride around the Okefenokee Swamp and through the Spanish moss laden water and scrub oaks, between Homerville and Folkston. But that didn’t stop the visiting Panthers from bringing a large contingent of supporters to see this clash of 2-A Titans.

This 60th edition of The Swamp War had important playoff implications as each team was jockeying for playoff seeding positions in upcoming post season play. Clinch, the defending 2010 Class A champions of Georgia from West of the Swamp, came up just a bit short in a 21-14 loss to the Big Indians from East of the Swamp. The Tribe’s Tre Hamilton continued his assault on the hallowed Charlton County record books as he posted over 100 yards rushing and scored 2 touchdowns in the win. This well played game was another classic in the 60 year old rivalry between two of the tradition rich schools of South Georgia’s powerful 2-A region. Next week Clinch travels to Mitchell County and Charlton will host Miller County in the first round of the second season of 2011.

Everyone in the state of Georgia knows who Isaiah Crowell is, where he’s from, and they probably know everything there is to know about his diet, his dreads, and what classes he takes at the University. But, quick, who were the running backs for the Cow College against New Mexico State on Saturday?
Unless you read the write ups in the sports sections of your local papers you never would have guessed Branden Smith, a defensive crossover, and former walk-ons Brandon Harton and Kyle Karempelis. Who?

In a scenario reminiscent of the movie “Rudy”, these seldom used backups got to run for glory in a 63-16 romp over the Agriculturists from out West. In a pay off game scheduled as a break before the big Auburn showdown next week, Georgia will undoubtedly be excited to see Crowell and company back in the fold. And, by the way, the loud cheering you heard late Saturday night in Athens wasn’t “Dooooooogs”, it was “Hooooooogs”, as the Fayettville Fatback crew did their jobs in helping the Canines to the top of the SEC East heap.

In Hot-lanta, the Rambling Wreck got a week off to get a tune up and prepare for a big Thursday night showdown with the Turkeys from Vah-Tech. It remains to be seen whether the calculator commandos will be able to punch in a winning formula to try to take charge of the ACC Coastal Division.

And up in Eagle Creek, the Blue Clad Crows got a little divine intervention and Christmas in November combined, as they squeaked by the Cadets from the Holy City in a Bone vs Bone showdown at “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America.” The Eagles must have still had the Mountaineer Blues in a 14-12 game. But they blocked 2 Knob extra points, which proved to be the difference in the game. In the upset bid which was eerily similar to last years miracle over the Mountain Men, the Cadets lined up for a field goal in a last second upset bid of their own. 13 seconds left with a 37 yard field goal attempt in Gale force winds. It was so windy that Georgia’s bald eagle mascot, Freedom, could not make his pregame flyover.
The snap. The kick. “I thought I made it,” said the Citadel’s Ryan Sellers. “It was right down the middle,” said Eagle’s corner Laron Scott. “I couldn’t even look, and then I heard everyone yelling,” Suddenly, miraculously, the wind kicked up again. Sellers: “It was right down the middle, and the wind caught it…and it went wide right. It was the best feeling in the world, and then the worst.” Time runs out. The team that Erk built eeks out a win. Despite the close call, the outlook for Southern’s bid to win the SoCon got a little better with a loss by those same Boone Boys to the Paladin’s of Furman. But they’ll have to win on the road at the home of the Southern Conference’s number 2 team, the Terriers of Wofford to stay ahead of the pack. Yes, folks, the plot thickens….

In case you hadn’t heard, over in Tuscaloosa, there was a game between the Bayou Bengals and the Crimson Tide in a matchup of biblical proportions. The Cajun Cats came up with a little luck of their own as they squeaked by the hometown pachyderms by a 9-6 score. I don’t know about anyone else, but to me this was a thoroughly enjoyable game, which reminded me of how football was played in a bygone era. Lots of defense and hard hitting, like Ali-Frazier, feeling each other out, and looking for an edge. The Tide proved to be their own worst enemies though, as they had 2 missed field goals and one that was blocked. This proved to be their downfall as LSU, hung in, made some big plays, and finally came away with a win in overtime. At the end of the game, The Mad Hatter was asked if he’d like to play Bama again if things worked out right. His answer? “I’d be honored to play that team again.” Don’t know about anyone else, but to me, that’s class. That scenario probably won’t play out, but I’d love to see Clash of the SEC Titans II.

Over in Fayetteville, Arkansas, the Hungry Hogs did their part in spoiling the Columbia Cocks season as they came away with a 44-28 win. The chickens are struggling as of late with injuries and dismissals. Conner Shaw showed some dazzling running ability but also showed flashes of First Year Starter woes as he was unable to hook up with All World receiver Alshon Jefferies very often and was finally knocked out of the game late in the 4th quarter. The Head Ball Coach is doing some good things in South Carolina but he still hasn’t been able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. He gets the receivers and defensive players, but he still hasn’t been able to pull in a big name High School quarterback to get them over the mountain. Next up for the Cocks are the Reeling Reptiles from Gainesville in a make or break game to try to keep up with Georgia for SEC supremacy.

Elsewhere, the Nebraska Farm Hands had their hands full with a bunch of Crazy Cats from Northwestern. The Felines proved to be rude guests as they came away with a 28-25 win in Lincoln. I think the Corn-shuckers are going to have to revise their expectations of running away with the Big Ten-ish Division crown.
In Columbus, Ohio, the Buck-nuts eased by a 1-9 Hoosier squad 34-20. As impressive as they think their season is the 6-3 Ohians still had a much tougher time against this perennial cellar dweller than they anticipated.
And then there’s Tommy Tubberville’s Texas Tech Tankers. I’m still scratching my head over the Red Raiders. The Gunslingers come away from a road game in Norman with a 41-38 win over the Sooners, and then got embarrassed by Iowa State and followed it up with another stinker against Texas. A 52-20 loss is not hangoverish after Oklahoma. It’s I aint got a clue football at it’s finest. But enough of that. There should be plenty of shuffling in the standings this week, as 7 of the top 25 teams were beaten. Things are about to get interesting as we draw closer to the Bowl season we are down to 5 undefeated FCS teams and only a few weeks left in the season.

Once again, it’s time for the Peach State Prognostication. I’ve been hitting the little smart pill machine (to borrow a famous expression from Leonard Postostis) and doing tons of research, to make the most accurate pick possible. The Dogs looked pretty good against an overmatched opponent from 2 time zones away. Crowell got a rest, and Murray impressed. The Slide Rule Jocks took a week off to revamp a porous defense and to try to tune up an offense that until last week looked like it had thrown a rod. As the game creeps closer and closer, I’m starting to see something in my crystal ball that looks like a Georgia win: 28-27.
Yep, I’m sticking to it.
Nothing much happened to change my mind over the weekend, so I’m taking the easy way out and it’s a repeat of last week’s star gazing.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I know you only write about college football but I have to ask you with all the labor disagreements between the players union and the owners do you think we will see any Professional Basketball this year?

James – Alexandria, Virginia

A: There is such a thing as “professional” basketball?

Who knew?

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

A co-worker of mine forwarded me the link to your sports “column” and I had the displeasure of having read your tripe. I don’t know which was worse, your inability to grasp the English language, your latent tendencies towards racism and sexism or the fact I won’t ever be able to get that time back I wasted from reading your ridiculous ramblings.

Perhaps in the future you could learn something from a simple children’s book entitled…
“Middle English: a primer for beginners”. That would be a good start

Sincerely – Debra, Columbus, Ohio

A: “Middle English”?
You never mentioned that you were a fan of “The Lord of the Rings” or that you were an angry midget, which may explain your anger management issues.

Q: Hey Wizard!
You did it Man! You called it! The Louisville Cardinals beat West Virginia!
How did you do it! What’s your system?
Thanks!
John – Louisville, Kentucky

A: Thank you John, but I don’t have a “system” for such prognostications.
I am nothing more than a genius; unfortunately my “gift” seems to be confined to games of which I am not “emotionally” involved with.

Q: Dear Sir –

As a registered clinical psychologist I can ascertain from your column that you may have a disorder caused from having a myriad of personalities at least that is my preliminary diagnosis from reading your columns.
Do you find that you have any symptoms of a multiple personality disorder?

Sincerely – Dr. Richard Jacobs MD, Boston, Massachusetts

A: Gosh Doc you make that sound like it’s a “bad thing”

The Great thing about having multiple personalities is that I can have a party all by myself.

Q: Dear Sir,

It’s me again and I’ve got a problem I was wondering if you might help me with.
I didn’t want to write that Dear Abby lady cause she gets kind of snippy and sassy sometimes and right now I’m sensitive and vulnerable.
You remember how I just loved me some Tim Tebow?
Well, if you’ve been under a rock for a little while, he up and left from Flarda and run off out west to play some more football with somebody else.
I was heartbroke.
I couldn’t believe that two timer would leave me and the whole state of Flarda and not even tell me bye. I still love that boy but if he ever comes back I’ll have a sharp eye out on him.
Anyway, since I got over Tim Tebow I didn’t have nobody to love and admire and then I saw that John Brantley fella. You know, he’s cute enough, and all that but he just don’t twirl my propellers like Tim Tebow did. You know he didn’t even have an exotic and foreign sounding name either. I mean, Tim Teeeeeebow just sounds so French or Spanish or something.
So I just want to know this. Do you thank that Muscrat fella that’s running the Gater team will ever go out and pick him up a fella to play quarterback for the Gaters that is as dreamy, and cute, and just plain purty as Tim Tebow?

Thanks for listening Mr Wizard

Tracy in Homassassa

A: Tracy; Timmy has been gone for a couple of years now, you need to move on.

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I read this week that it is the Marine Corps Birthday and wanted to wish you and all the other Marines a Happy Birthday! But I also have a question for you that I hope to share with the third grade class I teach here in Platte City, Missouri.
After all the countries you Marines have to deployed too, particularly the past ten years or so, are you required to learn several languages?

Thank you

Margaret – Platte City, Missouri

A: No ma’am, we don’t go to those places to talk.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

PENN STATE: I have written this and re-written this piece. I am still angry, but this is all I have to say for now concerning what is going on at Penn State. I hope I can be coherent this time around.

So Penn State is going to let the big money donors and the national media drive them to FIRE a college football Legend for what, because Joe “should” have known something?

I wasn’t aware “should have known something” was a crime

I also wasn’t aware that was a criteria for firing somebody, then maybe I should be the “only” source of College Football News (I suppose I am anyway) because the entire National Sports media and media in general “should have known” the “real” story about Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans for five damn years, right? Do you need some more examples, some maybe a little closer to “home” for some of you expert media types, because I have a few more I could share with you.

There is a lot I could say about this topic and the way Coach Joe has been treated this past week, but I will simply say this; you should all be ashamed of yourselves for the way you are treating Joe Pa and believe me; you vultures will reap what you sow

AUBURN: This week the Auburn Tiger Family lost a true matriarch….

Evelyn Walker Jordan, the wife of Auburn’s legendary coach Ralph “Shug” Jordan.

Mrs. Jordan died following a brief illness last Thursday at age 98. She was laid to rest this week at Holy Trinity Episcopal Church in Auburn this week.

She was a native of Augusta, Georgia and grew up in Macon, Georgia and Columbia, South Carolina where she received a bachelor’s degree in sociology from the University of South Carolina.

She did graduate work at Tulane University in New Orleans and later earned a master’s degree at Auburn, where she served as Panhellenic adviser and worked as a counselor for married and international students for many years.

She received the university’s Pamela Wells Sheffield Award in 1992 in recognition of her service and commitment to Auburn.

And I would like to add…..

Miss Evelyn was a real Southern Lady and a fine person.
She was class, dignity and strength covered in Southern Charm.
They don’t make too many ladies like her anymore.

She will be deeply missed, deeply missed.

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: The problem about trying to talk about “all” the other sports going on during College Football Saturday’s is that it can have a tendency to tongue tie the commentator. Such was the case this past Saturday when everybody’s favorite ditzy sports blonde ESPN’s Wendi Nix had this to say in the College Football Pre-game Studio Show….

“And to NASCAR, this weekend….
We will see if Tony Stewart can take home another Checkered Fag this weekend in Texas….”

EDITORS NOTE: And that my friends is why I don’t follow NASCAR…
I think they have taken this “Diversity” thing a little too far.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Your Quarterback is 28 years old? Really?

Shouldn’t he have been playing in the NFL for like five years already?

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: From the “Here we Go Again” files….

We all know Vern “The syphilitic dwarf” Lundquest and Gary “Dumbass” Danielson don’t have anything good to say about anything related to the University of Alabama Crimson Tide and I finally figured why….

They are still hooked on “Cammy Cam Juice”

You gibbering idiots do know that stuff has an expiration date, right?

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL PART II: This one is from the…..
“What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander” File….

The fact that ESPN is losing all their credibility as a College Sports “News” outlet with most of their main college reporters, writers and contributors (Feldman, Forde, etc.) departing ESPN Bristol, Connecticut may just be leaving themselves trapped with the corrupted Craig James for more days and years than sports fans see fit.

Especially since sports fans’ days of Craig James employment ran out 23 months ago when Texas Tech gave up on their pirate head coach due to ESPN’s interference based on a James’ infamous complaint.

I think it’s time to start a “Fire Craig James” Campaign

After all…..

“What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander”

Right?

OKLAHOMA: So you are ahead of the Aggies 41 to 10 in the fourth quarter and you keep your starters in to try and score more points, right?

Real Classy Sooners, real classy.

TEXAS: Speaking of the Aggies of College Station….

The folks from Austin have produced a t-shirt that has become immensely popular on campus…

TEXAS A&M: Now before all you Aggies start sending me nasty emails (again)

I want to give equal time to some talented folks from Aggieland that produced this short video.

I don’t care who you are, this is funny.

GIG EM

Get through the brief advertisement at the beginning and Enjoy…

Click here to view the embedded video.

BCS COMMITTEE: This past week it was reported that the BCS Committee “didn’t think” that the White House and the President of the United States would file a Federal lawsuit against the Bowl Championship Committee in an effort to “shake up” the Championship process.

EDITORS NOTE: Gosh….

I would really hope that the “White House and the President of the United States” would have more important things to worry about other than who plays who in a damn bowl game.

I don’t know…
Like maybe unemployment, the War in Afghanistan and the economy in the crapper.

You know, “little things” like that

NORWICH: You won last week just like I said you would with your talented Long Ding.
You have the most talented Long Ding in the Country, Congratulations.

NEBRASKA: What the Hell Cornhuskers? North – Best Western, Really?

What is that a Rand McNally Road Atlas College?

A Hotel – Motel School?

Somewhere Tom Osborne is crying….

LSU: Like the lady is saying (in so many words) below, you are Number One, but not by much.

Congratulations on a Great win in T-Town.

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 8th

Northern Illinois at Bowling Green
I rarely guarantee one of my Picks, but I am feeling unusually confident with this pick.
HUSKIES 45-14

Western Michigan at Toledo
I must really be in the zone today.
ROCKETS 66-63

Wednesday November 9th

Miami (OH) at Temple
UPSET SPECIAL!
I feel like my streak from Tuesday is continuing, it’s a just a feeling
HOOTERS 24-21

Thursday November 10th

Ohio at Central Michigan
The Chippewa’s’ are more Dip than Chip as of late.
FRANK’S CATS 34-24

Houston at Tulane
They say it ain’t over until the fat lady sings…..
She sang her heart out six weeks ago for the Green Wave
MIGHTY COUGARS 63-17

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech
This game is going to be a back and forth affair…..
Last team with the football, wins……
YELLOW JACKETS 34- 31

Friday November 11th

South Florida at Syracuse
I have picked Phil Fulmer’s cousin (Otto the Orange) for three straight weeks…
And they have lost for three straight weeks….
And that is…
NO BULL 28-17

Saturday November 12th

Michigan at Illinois
By now you should know that every Big Ten (something or another) game is a “big” rivalry game…
This game is no different….
It is played annually for the highly coveted “Gunnysack of Flatulence” Trophy
It’s like a leather whoopee cushion…..
Never mind..
WOLVERINES 38-24

Texas at Missouri
I saw the episode when the Three Stooges go “Out West” so I know that..
MO knows stampedes…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-28

Susquehanna at Juniata
The two toughest women in the trailer park square off…
Susie and Juanita
This is going to be a brawl, but just one thing “ladies”
No hair pulling…
SUSIE Q 23-17

Ohio State at Purdue
This terrific Big (Whatever) Conference Rivalry is played for the “Bucky Otter Trophy”
If you ask me; it looks like a buck toothed ground hog with a funny tail.
BUCKY EYES 33-17

Pittsburgh at Louisville
Coach Charlie is a lot Stronger than the Kitty Cats from Iron City
Believe it
STRONGER CARDINALS 28-17

Marshall at Tulsa
Against my better judgment I am going with “Upset Special”
Call it a feeling, I just hope it’s not gas
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Rice at Northwestern
The Hoot Owls actually won a game last week (I’m serious)
And the boys from Rand McNally picked the Cornhuskers in Lincoln.
I will go with the corn pickers in this one
CORN CATS 38-21

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
This game is going to be close……
Real close….
It could go either way, believe it
BIG BLUE 24-21

North Carolina State at Boston College
The Pack of Wolves took down the cross state Tar Heels last week…
While the Eagles got plucked by the Seminoles….
I think the Birds stay plucked this week
WOLF PACK 33-17

Ursinus at Dickinson
This game worries me….
I just hate to think about Emily Dickinson having a sinus infection…
It disrupts by poetry reading time
EMILY 24-17

North Texas at Troy
I think Troy is about to get an unhealthy dose of….
MEAN GREEN 24-21

Buffalo at Eastern Michigan
I don’t know about Buffalo’s football team, but their wings are delicious
EAGLES 43-10

Virginia Military Academy at Presbyterian
The Keydets will be far too distracted by the sight of the Blue Ho’s to be effective in this game.
Also the VMI football team sucks….
BLUE HO’S 44-13

Georgia Southern at Wofford
I cannot begin to understand why someone would name a college after a pesky cough.
After all it is the cold and flu season
SOUTHERN EAGLES 28-24

South Dakota State at Western Illinois
You don’t think I would go against the Leathernecks on the Marine Corps Birthday do you?
Of course not…
LEATHERNECKS 34-28

Kent State at Akron
This game is the second in a series of rivalries for Akron…
Akron and Youngstown State play for the “Steel Tire” Trophy…
This game is played for the “Donut Spare Tire” Trophy
It’s very prestigious
FLASHING GOLD 31-28

Baylor at Kansas
The Hawk’s of Jay “might” win this game….
And I “might” be invited to Fat Phil Fulmer’s house for Thanksgiving
Neither of which is very likely
DA BEARS 38-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not that I would be interested in a Turkey stuffed with Krispy Kreme donuts. That’s disgusting…

Delta State at West Georgia
The Fighting Okra has been frying the competition the past few weeks.
Get the grease hot, and break out the flour there is another one headed for the skillet….
FIGHTING OKRA 43-21

Carson Newman at Mars Hill
The Spark has returned to the Eagles and just in time too…
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-28

Wyoming at Air Force
The Mighty Falcons won the Commander in Chiefs Trophy last week…
They will Fly High this week too…
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-17

Arizona at Colorado
I had every good intention of watching this game but I got “two” words for you…
“Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey Accessories”
That was actually six words, sorry…
WILDCATS 21-17

Duke at Virginia
I have some Exciting News for the Fans of the Blue Devils!
Basketball season is almost here!
Not that I care….
CAVALIERS 28-17

Louisiana Lafayette at Arkansas State
The Red Wolves have been devouring the competition lately and Lafayette is allergic to dogs.
Enough said…
RED WOLVES 38-17

Nebraska at Penn State
Without Joe Pa on the sidelines I really don’t give a damn

Navy at Southern Methodist
These two teams square off and play each year for the “Gansz Trophy”
I am not exactly sure what that looks like, but I know it’s staying in Dallas.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Texas Christian at Boise State
At the beginning of the season I would have thought this was going to be a real clash.
The Horned Frogs will keep this one interesting….
For awhile anyway…
BRONCO’S 34-24

Rutgers at Army
The Black Knights of the Hudson will keep this one close until the fourth quarter and then as they say in New Jersey (Pronounced: New Jorsey)
“Fugggit bout it”
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-17

North Alabama at Valdosta State
The Blazers get torched and the Florence Lions are headed to the Division II playoffs.
Believe it…
MIGHTY LIONS 24-24

Washington at Southern California
Let’s see….
The Huskies have the next to worse defense in all of major college football….
Yeah, sometimes it’s just that easy to pick the games.
LAME TROJANS 43-17

Marist at San Diego
I am glad that Marist finally got a vacation and San Diego should be warm and sunny.
She is a total red fox
RED FOXES 24-17

Youngstown State at North Dakota State
The Penguins of Youngstown….
(Didn’t I tell you that school was ten miles from the Arctic Circle, do you believe me now?)
Take on the Thunder of the Plains in the Mighty Buffalo…
(A penguin cannot whip a Buffalo, I don’t care what Walt Disney says)
BISONS 41-38

Northwestern State at Sam Houston State
Sam Houston was the Hero of San Jacinto and the President of the Republic of Texas
That’s good enough for me…
Remember the Alamo
SAM THE MAN 43-17

North Dakota at UC Davis
“UC Davis, I See France, I saw your Grandma in her….”
Never mind…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 34-17

UCLA at Utah
I heard the Two Ute’s were Bruin up something special for this game, get it?
I amuse myself sometimes, well actually most of the time.
TWO UTES 28-21

Florida Atlantic at Florida International
This Battle in the Sunshine State is called “The Shula Bowl”
And it’s played for the “Don Shula Award”
You know….
I can remember when Coach Shula actually made sense…
HILTON’S CATS 31-24

Oregon State at California
Say whatever you want to about me….
But I am all about the Beavers
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-31

Maryland at Notre Dame
This game is between two teams heading in the same direction….
Nowhere fast…
FIGHTING IRISH 38-34

Louisiana Tech at Ole Miss
Every time I have seen Coach Houston Nutt the past few weeks I think one thing…
“Dead Man Walking…”
REBEL BEAR’S 24-17

Central Florida at Southern Miss
The Mighty Golden Eagles of Hattiesburg are on a Seven game winning streak..
Make it “Eight”….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

East Carolina at UTEP
This game with the Miners reminds me of a song that Tennessee Ernie Ford used to sing….
“Sixteen Tons and what do you get…”
An ass whipping by the Pirates…
I think that’s how the song goes..
PIRATES 43-17

Western Kentucky at LSU
O’ Yeah this One will be close….
Not…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 171-3

Fresno State at New Mexico State
Lasso Larry has been bitten by Dogs more than a mailman, I’m sorry “mail person”
Break out the pepper spray Larry here they come again!
BULLDOGS 28-24

Oregon at Stanford
This is the “big” game in the PAC (something or another) Conference to determine who the top team is on the Left Coast. Maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part….
Maybe I will get Lucky…
QUACKERS 34-28

Texas Southern at Grambling State
They call this game “The Bayou Classic”
And it always is, to include the great Marching Bands at half time.
This one will be no different
ROB’S TIGERS 38-28

Idaho at Brigham Young
I wonder how the Mormons in Provo feel about the “Ida Honkies” coming to town?
I love me some Ida Honkies…
COUGARS 34-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This game puts my Black Lab “Doc” in a quandary….
On one hand (or paw as the case may be) he likes Hawaii because he really likes “Dog the Bounty Hunter”; but he secretly pretends to be a wolf when he thinks I’m not watching….
Particularly when I leave my Pizza unattended…
PIZZA eating WOLVES 43-24

Arizona State at Washington State
I would watch this game…..
But I am in the process of learning all the words to “Funky Town”…
SUNNY DEVILS 6-3

Alabama at Mississippi State
The Bully Dogs have a problem….
A whole bunch of Angry Elephants are coming to Starkville
CRIMSON TIDE 28-10

West Virginia at Cincinnati
The Mountaineer faithful have had their couches soaked with kerosene for over a week…
Just waiting for a Victory….
You may now light the fires and begin the long overdue celebrations
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
GET THOSE GUNS down RED RAIDERS!
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Texas A&M at Kansas State
I know that all the pundits will pick the Wildcats in this game.
But I am not a pundit, I’m Baptist.
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Auburn at Georgia
They call this game…
“The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”
It’s going to be a good one
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Florida at South Carolina
Nobody (and I mean No Body) is giving the gators a chance to win this game.
I’m not just anybody….
It’s going to be close, real close and it could go either way.
GAMECOCKS 24-21

Tennessee at Arkansas
The Volunteer fans like to say “Go Big Orange!”
I say “Orange Crush”
HAWG-ZILLA’S 38-17

Miami at Florida State
This fierce instate rivalry in the Sunshine State is played for a lot more than a “trophy”
It’s played for a set of gold crunk teeth, a zodiac medallion and a 2 Live Crew CD….
Get your funk on Seminoles…
SEMINOLES 34-21

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This Big Ten (Something or another) Rivalry is played for the highly coveted…
“Gopher Cheese Trophy”….
That sounds kind of nasty if you ask me….
BUCKY BADGER 41-24

Michigan State at Iowa
This is going to be smash mouth “old” Big Ten Football at its finest.
It’s going to be one heck of a game; I am going with the home team in this one.
HAWKEYES 24-21

Wake Forest at Clemson
The Mighty Tigers are rested and Wake Forest has a wonderful Liberal Arts program designed to fit each students needs and desires to fulfill their dreams for the future.
That about sums it up….
DABO’S TIGERS 43-17

Enjoy Your Games….

Happy Birthday Marines and Keep your Hands out of your Pockets

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Forgive me for a moment….

My friends I am beginning to feel a little old….
Not that I think I am …
Far from it….

But unfortunately I can see it from where I am….
But that’s not the point of this story…

Last week I received a letter from one of the high schools I attended…
No point in going through all that here…
But if you’re keeping count the number is six (6) different high schools
In three (3) different states

EDITORS NOTE: It’s a long story and not important to discuss here.
It has more to do with a “checkered” background than it does with anything else…
And before you ask….

Yes I graduated on time, it’s not like I was 24 when I graduated…
Which by the way…
In Tennessee is considered a “genius”…

The letter in question was from a high school I attended once and they wanted me to attend a particular home game this season (in the old home stadium) were they “expect” an old football record, or soon to be old record of mine to fall to a current student athlete.

Don’t get me wrong…
It’s not like I am Roger Maris or Mickey Mantle and any of my records can’t be broken…
Not that I feel theirs have been legitimately broken…
But that is another story for another time..

But it’s not about some record..
I am not that vain….

Because rules like records are meant to be broken…

And not that I have thought much about it
I don’t get back to that particular town very often…

I wish I could…
I owe them…..
The people in that little town loved a poor kid that didn’t have anything but a dream…
And they cheered for him…
Like it was their job….
I will never forget it…

Sure….
I have had other records broken over time….
And I have attended those events with friends and former players, because I feel it’s important to pass the torch and let that person know they have accomplished something important.
On an occasion they even let me present the ball to the player that broke a particular record

But this one hit me a little different…

Not that I begrudge the young man…
I don’t….
He had to have worked hard for it…
I know his momma and daddy have to be proud..
I am proud for him….

It’s that the “invitation” wanted to know….
If I needed “any assistance” getting to the stadium or needed…
a…
Wheel chair…
Or..
“Special assistance”…

Maybe I am being too sensitive about this….
But I am checking that states current rules for eligibility….

I still have a hundred yard game left in me….
I promise you that…

Now where is that Geritol….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I hope you all survived Halloween Weekend

Last week’s picks had far more “Tricks” than “Treats” in it for me.

Much like Charlie Brown and Charlie Weis I left last weekend with a sack full of rocks.

My sack full of rocks equated to 43 and 23 or 65% for the week….

And that dropped my season average to 79% with an overall record of 492 and 130.

In order to break this seemingly streak of bad luck….
I vow….

This is the last Halloween that I am dressing up like Tennessee Coach Derek Dooley

But I must confess the costume does make me look considerably younger, don’t you think?
And taller…

Enjoy your Picks…..

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

This week’s High School Player of the Week is an 8th Grader…..
Yes, you read that right, I said the “High School Player” of the Week is an 8th Grader

Eighth Grader Ostin McPherson from St. Paul’s High School in Mobile Alabama is a 5-foot-7, 156-pound tailback, who got the start last week because of a season-ending injury to starter Jordan Huff. He starred in the No. 4-ranked 5A Saints’ 36-6 victory over rival UMS-Wright Friday night at Cooper Stadium.

McPherson carried 28 times for 204 yards and scored on runs of 5, 2 and 12 yards. His last carry of the game came with nine minutes left in the lopsided win.
St. Paul’s coach Jimmy Perry was pleased with the way so many of his young players, led by McPherson, responded to the challenge.
“I’m just glad the Mobile Police Department hasn’t arrested me for child abuse for playing such young players in such big games,“ Perry said. “I was really proud of how hard our entire team played.“

St. Paul’s (9-1) did not allow the Bulldogs a first down until the final minute of the first half. By that time, the lead was 27-0.

The Saints reached the end zone on four of their five possessions in the first half, and the first two came on unlikely plays. The first score was a 39-yard pass from Will Brabston to Ryan Myles on third-and-25. The second was a 34-yard TD scramble by Brabston to convert a third-and-29.

McPherson scored his first two touchdowns in the second quarter to open up the 27-0 lead. UMS, which will enter the 4A playoffs with a 6-4 record, got going just before halftime when Gunner Roach connected with freshman Jawon McDowell for a 38-yard pass to the St. Paul’s 1, from where Roach dove into the end zone on the next play.
McPherson’s 2-yard touchdown run with 2:45 left in the third quarter was the only score of the period, and the Saints added Yannick Wildraut’s 33-yard field goal with 7:06 remaining to complete the scoring.

The Saints outgained the Bulldogs 357 yards to 83.

St. Paul’s hosts Woodlawn in a first-round 5A playoff game Friday at 7 p.m.
UMS-Wright visits Greene County in 4A.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, folks, the High School football season ended last night for the Big Blue of Telfair County. The Trojans came up on the short end of a 28-7 score against Lanier County. It was a long trip down Highway 129 to Lakeland but the boys in blue played their hardest and banged out a touchdown against the always tough Bulldogs. It’s been an interesting season here on South 3rd and these boys have put their blood, sweat, and tears into a hard fought season. As I said in an earlier article, we’re not Lowndes or Valdosta or Parkview. No we’re not the 2-A elites. But, what we are is a bunch of hard-scrapple boys from the country who see possibility every Friday night and who fight through every game. These kids don’t expect pats on the back for losing. They know they’re not in a “participatory league” where everyone gets a trophy because they “tried real hard.” They’re tough kids, playing a tough game, in a tough region. Telfair County isn’t Atlanta, or Macon, or Savannah where there’s “loads of stuff to do.”
Some people say we’re in the middle of nowhere. We don’t have a Six Flags, or a Georgia Dome, or nice beach, but we’ve got Jaybird Springs, Little Ocmulgee State Park, and the Milan Harvest Festival. And mostly, we’re good, down to earth, hard working people. We’re Dogs, Jackets, and Eagles on Saturday, Baptists, Methodists, and Presbyterians on Sunday, and working folks during the workweek.
But come Friday night, under the lights, down on South 3rd in McRae Georgia, we’re Telfair-By-God-Trojans. We’re proud of every one of these kids. From #1 Devin Edwards to #94 Willie Wooten. From the starters to the subs. The Seniors to the Freshmen. These boys are learning to be men in what truly is the school of hard knocks. But you won’t hear them complain. You won’t see them quit. You won’t see them in a playoff game…. this year.
But when the season is over, you’ll see them continuing that Telfair tradition of working hard in school, in their part time jobs, and for some, on the basketball team or the baseball team. And that’s what makes us proud to be called TELFAIR COUNTY TROJANS!!!!!

Up in Atlanta they the student body swarmed the field after the Ramblin’ Wreck got after the visiting Cats of Clemson like a swarm of mad hornets. The Calculator Commandos racked up the points and yardage in a 31-17 upset of then #5 Clemson. Without RB Andre Ellington the Orange clad Tigers were pretty much neutered as his understudies were never effective against a ball-hawking Jacket defense. Tevin Washington set a school record for yardage by a QB and the defense took the ball away 4 times. Clemson had been walking a tightrope all season with their defense and it showed today as the Trade School racked up over 380 yards on the ground. Next up for the Wreck is a visit from the Gobblers of Virginia Tech. The Hokies don’t “seem” as stout this year, but with the up and down play of the Bees, you never know what will happen on Saturday.
Down in Jacksonville, the Red Clay Hounds took advantage of an ineffective Reptilian ground game to take a 24-20 decision from the Lizards of Florida. The Gators were clearly dragging their tails as they were held to -19 yards on the ground. John Brantley was harassed all night as the Cow College unleashed the hounds in the victory. It appeared that Georgia was about to again come up short in the first half as they trailed 17-3 before taking advantage of a Gator turnover late in the half to go into halftime 17-10. It wasn’t pretty but a win is a win in the tough SEC. Next up for the Pups is a scrimmage against the Aggies of New Mexico State which should serve as a warm-up before welcoming the Pigeons of the Plains to Athens for another tough game.
Unfortunately the news gets worse, as the Eagles traveled to Boone and were shot down by the Mountain Men of Appalachian State by a score of 24-17. The Pioneers were clearly out to avenge last year’s upset which cost them the #1 spot in the FCS standings and ended their 26 game conference win streak. The Eagles developed a bad case of Statesboro Blues after being held to only 135 yards rushing and just over 200 yards of total offense. Unable to take advantage of opportunities, the Eagles were plucked clean as they were booted from their lofty perch. Next up for GSU is a home game against the mighty warriors of the Citadel in a game of option vs option. The Eagles hope to get back to their winning ways before they make a trip to Spartanburg for a tussle with the Terriers of Wofford in an important SoCon showdown to try to break up a 3 way tie for first in this tough conference.

In Knoxville, the visiting Columbia Chickens took on a hungry pack of Coon Hunters and came away from Neyland Stadium with a win in a game to help determine whether or not the Cocks have adjusted to life without Lattimore or Garcia. Understudy Brandon Wilds filled in for the injured starter and reeled off over 137 much needed yards to help the Gamecocks to a 14-3 win over punch less Tennessee. The Red Roosters are going to need Wilds, Shaw, the defense, and the water boy to chip in next week as they travel West to take on some of the luckiest pork on the planet in Arkansas. The Head Ball Coach will have his hands full this week getting ready for the Hogs as there are no more warm-up weeks for the offense. This could be a make or break week for South Click as they try to stay one step ahead of a pack of Hungry Hounds from Athens in a tight SEC East Race.

Speaking of the Razorbacks, they won by the hair of their collective chinny-chin-chins in sinking the Commodores by a 31-28 score. The Admiralty put up a stiff defense against these Hungry Hogs but missed the mark just as did their kicker on a game tying attempt that sailed wide of the uprights. After leading 21-7 towards the end of the first half Vandy’s ship began to list as they allowed Petrino’s Porkers to outscore them 24-7 down the stretch and come out with a win. One thing Arkansas may want to think about is trying to avoid those early holes they always seem to find themselves in. Those Columbia Pullets have a considerably stouter defense than Vandy, Ole Miss, and Texas A&M. I don’t think the luck will carry over to next week if they once again get down early.

Out West, the Big Trees of Stanford dropped a limb on Lane Kiffin’s Trojans in a game that went to triple overtime. Just when the escapee from Knoxville thought he was going to get that signature win for the season, fate intervenes. An untimely fumble into the end zone sealed the deal for the Spartans as their upset bid was unceremoniously ended. But, it’s okay that just means that the Southern Californians don’t have to suffer the indignity of making it into the top 25 and then not get asked to dance in one of the lesser bowls. Ohio State took a bite out of the Cheese Heads aspirations for greatness this weekend with an upset of their own. I’ve just been scratching my head over the developments in the Big 10-ish and have been trying to answer the question: Who does this conference remind me of? The ACC or the Big East?

And, finally, it’s time for a little Prognosticatin’. Yep, the Peach State Prognostication is Proverbially Puzzled this week. The Dogs are doing just enough to win and the Bee’s swarmed the hive with a convincing win this weekend. And, they showed a little defense in holding the Tigers of Clemson to some season lows. Did the pendulum swing?
Hmmmmm…. We’ll see. One thing is for sure, there’s something going on in Athens. The place is starting to look like North Tallahassee for the last couple of seasons.
If Richt can keep the players out of jail and on the roster I’m predicting 28-27….. Dogs.
Note that 7 X 4 = 28.
Field goals are not a good option for these pups.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
Where has the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet been?
You got him tied up or something? Or is that married life keeping him busy?
We want to hear from “The Man” Hootie Snitch!
The Boy’s From Western Auto and Big Ten Tire – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the email gentlemen. Hootie Snitch will be returning next week with what he is calling his “State of the Orange Nation” address.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Do you have any good news for the Kentucky Wildcat faithful?
Roger – Lexington, Kentucky

A: Yes I do Roger; basketball season is right around the corner.

Q: Dear Wizard Man
I took my girlfriend (Shout out to Miss Mary Beth! I love you girl!)
She smells like the inside of my momma’s purse she does!

Anyway so we was a going to a carnival that come to town and they had rides and everything, like the big ole Viking ship that rocks back and forth in the air, and boy let me tell you that thing goes up higher than my deer stand! I bet you that was what it was really a like riding that boat on the ocean when the Pilgrims come across from wherever they come from.

Hell I almost forgot my question just a thinking about riding on that Viking ship with Miss Mary Beth
(I Love you girl!)
So here is my question – “IF” Auburn wins the rest of them games and “IF” they wins the SEC Championship, will they still have a chance at the National Championship?
Chip – Opelika, Alabama

A: Chip I think you have been spending more time with Miss Mary Beth than you have been watching college football this year, am I right?

Q: You suck! Why don’t you just quit writing all this stupid football crap!
Anonymous – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Thank you Anonymous for taking time out of your busy day to send me this email.
I considered your request…..
And then a quote came to me from the greatest urban philosopher in the 20th Century.
M. C. Hammer when he said….
That I was…
“Too Legit to Quit”
(That song is in your head now isn’t it?)
No Need to Thank me….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

HOUSTON: Congratulations on winning the “Bayou Bucket” in convincing fashion.
Damn convincing fashion….

OKLAHOMA STATE: It was brought to my attention…..
Two weeks ago on the Cowboy Campus in Stillwater Oklahoma “all” the safety posters had been replaced in the various university cafeterias and on-campus eating establishments with the poster below.
I think the picture speaks for itself….

JOE PA and PENN STATE: Congratulations to the Great Joe Paterno…..

Last Saturday Joe Pa became the winningest College Football Coach in History…

There isn’t enough room here to say what Joe Pa means to college football.
Joe Pa is Class.
He is Character
He is one of the best that ever walked the sidelines.

Congratulations Joe Pa, you deserve the record.

TEXAS TECH: After you screwed up my average last week by dropping the game AFTER you defeated Oklahoma, I am now legally changing my name from Buzz O’Branowitz back to the last name I had when I lost a bet of this magnitude.

I will now be known legally as Herb McCrotchburns….

MINNESOTA: I guess a blind Groundhog can find an acorn in the woods…

Great win last week Gophers…

CLEMSON: Damn it Tigers, Damn it……….

LAME TROJAN’S: So Lame didn’t like the referee’s calls against his Trojans last week…

And he went on and on and on and on about it…..

I’m not saying his complaints weren’t legitimate

But here is a little hint Lame….

You and the Trojans aren’t the fair hair children of the PAC (Whatever) Conference anymore

Sorry….

HEISMAN HYPE: I don’t understand all the Heisman Hype….

It seems to get worse every year.

I know that ALL the Sports Media outlets to include CNN wanted to award the trophy to Stanford’s Andrew Luck three weeks ago, calling him “The Greatest Quarterback to ever play college football”.

Really, the Greatest Quarterback to ever play college football?

I am not pushing for one candidate or another here.

All I am saying is that Stanford’s Andrew Luck hasn’t proved anything because he hasn’t played anybody other than a so-so Southern California Trojan team.

Let’s hold our ballots until the end of the season, shall we?

BRIEF COMMENTARY ON THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS

Many of you have sent me emails wondering why I haven’t commented on the Alabama Crimson Tide victory two weeks ago over the Tennessee Volunteers.

So let me say this….
I don’t believe in kicking anyone or any program when they are down….
And let me say one more thing about the Third Saturday in October….

Coach Bryant instructed us to “Win without bragging and Lose without excuse”

EDITORS NOTE: That’s the way it’s supposed to be….

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: SEC Conference Commissioner Mike Slive announced this past week during a weekly news conference…

“”First we’ll take Texas A&M, Missouri, then Oklahoma, then Clemson, then Germany …”

HALLOWEEN: One Last Comment on the Halloween weekend….

If this isn’t the funniest Halloween Costume of the year, then I don’t know what is…

At least I think it’s a costume

THE GAMES

Tuesday November 1st

Northern Illinois at Toledo
This is going to be a High Scoring Affair….
Believe it
I am really feeling confident about my pick in this game.
HUSKIES 63-60

Wednesday November 2nd

Temple at Ohio
I don’t want to sound to “cocky” but I think I am on a roll heading into Thursday night’s games.
FRANK’S CATS 35-31

Thursday November 3rd

Akron at Miami (OH)
This instate Rivalry in the Buckeye State is played for the coveted…
“Victory Slim-Jim Award”
This game has somehow lost its luster since Randy “Macho Man” Savage passed away
REDHAWKS 31-28

Tulsa at Central Florida
The O’ So Very Golden Hurricanes are coming to O- Town (not the defunct musically challenged Boy Band) to meet the O’ So Very Golden Knights.
I am not sure about the Golden Knights….
But I do know that Otis Day and the Knights make we want to “Shout”
OTIS’S KNIGHTS 34-24

Florida State at Boston College
Trivia question for you
Do you know what kind of feathers are in Chief Osceola’s headdress?
Eagle Feathers….
MIGHTY SEMINOLES 38-17

Friday November 4th

Central Michigan at Kent State
This game features Chippewa’s and Golden Flashes…
And just so you know….
If you see an old Chippewa disrobe in public it counts as being “Golden Flashed”
CHIPPEWAS’ 28-24

Southern California at Colorado
Two Facts that should be noted in this game….
Not Only has Colorado not won an away game since William McKinley was President..
But they haven’t won a home game since Phil Fulmer could see the top of his shoes.
LAME TROJANS 43-17

Saturday November 5th

Texas Tech at Texas
This Rivalry in the Lone Star State is a good one
It’s played for the “Chancellor’s Spurs”
It doesn’t get much cooler than that
HOOK EM HORNS 31-24

Syracuse at Connecticut
I had good intentions of watching this game..
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute CD” just arrived in the mail…
Sorry…
OTTO the ORANGE 21-17

McDaniel at Susquehanna
Ronald McDonald’s half brother is really a glutton for punishment
Last weekend J-Lo put a whipping on him…
Now it’s Susie’s turn….
SUSIE Q 28-10

Ball State at Eastern Michigan
Cardinals against the Eagles…
This game is for the Birds…
EAGLES 24-17

Michigan at Iowa
It’s a Big Ten (or Whatever) Matchup and you know by now what that means
Another “rivalry” game for a “coveted” Trophy
This game is played annually for the “Monkey Turd of Hope Trophy”
I am not quite sure what the trophy looks like, but it sure is fun to say
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
HAWKEYES 33-28

Norwich and SUNY Maritime
The Cadets of Norwich meet the Privateer’s of Maritime to determine who will win the Championship of the Great Northeast Athletic Conference. It’s going to be close….
It will come down to a late game winning field goal by Cadet Kicker Long Ding.
(And “No” I didn’t make that name up)
CADETS 24-23

Indiana at Ohio State
The Loosiers visit the Horseshoe in Columbus for another…
Of their many ass kicking’s by the Buckeyes.
Enjoy….
BUCKEYES 34-14

Valparaiso at Marist
I know, I know….
That Mexican Bull Fighter has a “shiny” outfit but…
That Marist is a real Fox
RED FOXES 38-17

Louisville at West Virginia
Believe it or not…..
I am going “Upset Special” on this game
Call me crazy; it’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
STRONG CARDINAL’S 28-24

Minnesota at Michigan State
I know the question that is on your mind concerning this game.
“Will the O’ So very Golden Gophers win Two Games in a Row?”
Not likely….
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 33-24

Vanderbilt at Florida
The Commodores are tough this year, but they will run aground in the Swamp
GATOR CHOMP 33-17

Virginia at Maryland
I would watch this game but by the time it comes on ESPN 3…
I will be listening to Zamfir play “Freebird” on the Pan Flute
Sorry…
CAVALIERS 28-24

New Mexico State at Georgia
Lasso Larry gets a nasty Dog Bite between the hedges…
Believe it
SIC EM DAWGS 34-13

Juniata at Moravian
Morey must be a Moravian to mess with Juanita..
I heard she whipped every woman in the trailer park for “looking” at her man
J-LO 24-17

Tusculum at Carson Newman
I cannot in good conscience…….
Pick a school that sounds like something you blew into a handkerchief
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-31

North Carolina at North Carolina State
This instate battle on Tobacco Road is played for something more important than a Trophy
It’s called “Bragging Rights”
TAR HEELS 33-17

Kansas at Iowa State
Together these two teams couldn’t generate enough wind to classify as a decent shrimp fart.
CYCLONES 31-17

Appalachian State at Furman
The Mountaineers dispatched the Number One Southern Eagles last week….
They are ready for the Furry Man
MOUNTAINEERS 34-21

Stony Brook at Charleston Southern
This game reminds me that it’s time for a shameless plug of my favorite getaway
There is no place on the planet that is easier to relax and enjoy than with my friends at the Stony Brook Cabins & Chalets in beautiful Gatlinburg Tennessee.
Give Ed and the Beautiful Miss Pam a call and tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you. You won’t be disappointed.

Texas Christian at Wyoming
My Hero’s have always been Cowboys….
Except in this game…
HORNED FROGS 43-13

Citadel at Georgia Southern
The Eagles tumbled off their perch last week…
They will fly high this week
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Sioux Falls at North Dakota
Correction on this game concerning “Sioux Falls”
Sioux FELL….
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 43-16

North Dakota State at Indiana State
I seriously don’t get the folks in Indiana…
What is supposed to be so scary about a “Fighting Sycamore Tree”?
How liquored up do you have to be to think a “tree” is going to fight you?
I can hear it now…
“Jim that tree over there is look at you like it wants to fight…”
I don’t get it
MIGHTY BISONS 31-21

West Oregon at Montana
Have you ever seen what happens when a Wolf takes on a Grizzly Bear?
My Point exactly…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-10

St Johns at St Olaf
The Mighty O’ has been Rolling since winning the Cereal Bowl and the Goat Trophy
(I told you that was important didn’t I?)
ST OLIES 27-17

Grambling State at Jackson State
Two Great College Football Programs that have produced Legends of the Fall
And their Marching Bands aren’t too shabby either…
WALTER’S TIGERS 34-28

Duke at Miami
This is the time of the year when the leaves are changing….
Temperatures are cooler…
And the Duke Blue Devils get their annual ass kicking by the Hurricanes
I Love Fall
HURRICANES 212-3

Tulane at Southern Methodist
The Green Wave roll into Mustang Country and get kicked back to the Big Easy
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 43-17

Chattanooga at Samford
Fred and Lamont Samford are about to take a ride on the Chattanooga Choo-Choo
And not in a “good way”
MIGHTY MOC’S 38-14

West Alabama at Delta State
Other than Okra Winfrey there isn’t anything I don’t like about Okra…
Fried, Pickled or Boiled.
I’m an Okra Man
FIGHTING OKRA 34-20

Ole Miss at Kentucky
Have you noticed that since the “rebels” changed their mascot they haven’t won an SEC game?
I like to think of that as karma…
JOKER’S CATS 28-17

Army at Air Force
This game may very well decide the Commander in Chiefs Trophy
Yeah, it’s that important

FALCONS 33-28
Northwestern at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn surprised me last week with a great win against the Spartans.
But I still think “Lil Red” looks like the Shoney’s Big Boy’s little brother.
I’m just saying…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-17

UTEP at Rice
This game presents one very important fact….
If you have read this far then you know by now that “The Big Game” is at the bottom the page
MINERS 28-24

Montana State at Weber State
The outdoor grill College of Weber State is about to get smoked
BOBCATS 43-24

Purdue at Wisconsin
This Big Ten (something) matchup is played for yet “another” coveted Trophy
These teams square off each year to play for the “Sombrero of Cheese Whiz”
Yankee’s are funny when they make up rivalry trophy’s aren’t they?
BUCKY the BADGER 43-17

Troy at Navy
Your guess is as good as mine in this game.
I don’t know “who” is going to show up from week to week.
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Southern Miss at East Carolina
The Mighty Golden Eagles are on a roll winning six games in a row….
Make it “Seven”
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-17

West Georgia at North Alabama
The Florence Lions have dropped two games in a row….
I am keeping the faith
MIGHTY LIONS 33-24

Arkansas State at Florida Atlantic
The Owls aren’t playing worth a Hoot and the Red Wolves are Howling
RED WOLVES 34-17

Presbyterian at Coastal Carolina
Blue Ho’s and Chanticleers in this one….
And as a safety tip….
If you run around with Blue Ho’s you could get a Chanticleer
Just so you know…
BLUE HO’S 28-17

Utah at Arizona
It’s like the old saying goes….
There is more than one way for two Utes to skin a cat…
TWO UTES 24-17

Notre Dame at Wake Forest
There was time when this game was really important…
Not really, I was just trying to make it sound interesting
FIGHTING IRISH 34-28

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
These two schools have both been rolling on the river lately…
Which makes me think…
This game would be worth watching if Tina Turner sang “Rolling on the River” at halftime
I’m just saying…
PANTHERS 28-23

Houston at UAB
This game is going to be uglier than a game of Twister with a bunch of midget strippers.
(And “No” that is not based on personal experience, shame on you for thinking that)
MIGHTY COUGARS 56-10

Missouri at Baylor
In case I haven’t mentioned it lately…
It Sucks to B U….
MO’S TIGERS 43-38

MTSU at Tennessee
The Vowels get back on track and leave the Raiders Blue
VOWELS 38-17

South Carolina at Arkansas
I know I picked against the Gamecocks last week.
Believe me, I read your emails.
Fire up those computers and start writing because I am picking against them again this week.
HAWG-ZILLA’S 24-17

Arizona State at UCLA
I was trying to remember why I wanted to watch this game…
But I honestly couldn’t remember
DEVILS from the SUN 38-21

New Mexico at San Diego State
The Lobo’s and the Ancient Aztecs….
Sound’s like an upcoming Disney Movie…
AZTECS 34-28

Oregon at Washington
The Once Mighty Don James Huskies are playing more like Yorkshire terriers
I can’t even think about watching them anymore….
QUACKS 43-17

Boise State at UNLV
Another “tough” game for the Mighty Bronco’s of Boise and the schedule doesn’t get any easier.
Next Week the Bronco’s host the “Arthur Murray Dance Studio and Toe Tap Academy”
They better watch out, I hear they have some “fancy” footwork
BRONCO’S 49-17

Utah State at Hawaii
My Black Lab “Doc” loves it when I pick the Hawaii games..
I think it’s because I always make mention of “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
It’s probably just a name recognition thing…
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 43-28

South Florida at Rutgers
This game perplexed me….
So I called my adopted Italian family in Atlantic City for their perspective…
This is what I got…
“Fugit about it, pick da Knights”
Done…
SCARLET KNIGHTS 28-24

Texas A&M at Oklahoma
Don’t be surprised if this game goes the “other way”
I’m serious
BOOMER SOONERS 43-38

Kansas State at Oklahoma State
The Wildcats will keep it close for a while and then the Cowboys will Ride
COWBOY UP! 43-24

Washington State at California
I know what you are thinking about this game…
I don’t give a damn, I have scrolled through the whole article just to read the next game.
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GRAM BEARS 7-6

LSU at Alabama
“The Tussle in T-Town”
It’s a shame somebody has to lose this game.
It’s going to be a good one
CRIMSON TIDE 17-16

NEXT WEEK….

If my liver survives Saturday’s Tide and Tiger Game we will have….

The Return of Hootie Snitch “The Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet”

And in the following weeks….
Rufus Johnson will return to “Drop some Knowledge on Yo Ass”
More information on the NCAA Auburn Investigation….
And a few Surprises…

So Stay Tuned…

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Whatever happened to some people’s sense of humor?

I write a tongue and cheek article about Texas A&M joining the Southeastern Conference two weeks ago and you would have thought I wrote a diatribe about my undying love for communism.

I’m not a Liberal, so don’t worry about my attraction or affection for communism.

I bet that one liner will get a few letters too.

Let me remind some of you Texas A&M Aggies that felt obligated to send me a variety of semi-coherent nasty emails the past two weeks of one very simple fact…
If nothing else I am a gentleman.

With that being said….

I won’t embarrass you by saying that despite the fact I was so far down the depth chart it would take a microscope to find me, I still have more National Championship Rings in my four years at Alabama than you have in your entire 100 plus year history of playing college football.

And I certainly wouldn’t want to point out that Florida, Auburn, Georgia, Tennessee and the Mighty LSU Tigers have more National College Football Championships than you have too.

I wouldn’t stoop so low as to talk about Kentucky’s Men’s Basketball National Championships or Florida’s Basketball Championships with you, since well, you aren’t very good in that sport either.

But perhaps you would feel more comfortable discussing Women’s Basketball National Championships with the Tennessee Lady Volunteers, since you have won “1” of those.

I know how much you all love College Baseball, so I wouldn’t ever discuss Baseball National Championships with you or compare the National Championships won by LSU and South Carolina to your, well, lack of any kind of Championships.

Maybe you would be more comfortable comparing your Track and Field Championships (or the lack there of) with the Tennessee Volunteers or the Arkansas Razorbacks?
I bet they could give you all some keen pointers.

I wouldn’t want to discuss Softball, Swimming or Diving Championships either; it would just be too embarrassing for you.

That would be wrong of me to say such hurtful things like that, so I simply won’t do it.

I’m so glad that I am a gentleman…

Because if I wasn’t a gentleman, I would have said that Coach Sara Patterson and the University of Alabama Women’s Gymnastics’ Team has won more National Championships than you have in all your universities sports combined over 100 plus years.

You have another comeback to beat that?

I’ll wait….

I’ll wait why you tell me how you “almost” beat Arkansas this year….
Maybe the third best team in the SEC West.

I am so glad that I am a gentleman

Welcome to the Southeastern Conference

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This past week separated the contenders from the pretenders and it almost separated me from the liquor cabinet. Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a very subpar 52 and 16 or 76% for the week and for the season after seven weeks that leaves me at 400 and 93 or 81%.

It’s hard to believe I have picked almost 500 games thus far in the 2011 season

But please hold your adulation for just a moment; I have some exciting news….

The CFB Wizard is having a readers contest, yes you read that correctly.

The details of the contest are in this Week’s Pick’s so be sure and enter.

Now you may release your unbridled adulation for yours truly.

Enjoy your picks….

HIGH SCHOOL TEAM OF THE WEEK

This week’s High School Team of the week has a familiar player on the team that you have read about in a past article; Matt Jones of the Gretna High School Dragons in Nebraska.

Statistics and numbers don’t always tell the whole story in a game or even in a season for that matter and there isn’t a measuring stick for leadership, other than results.

That being said last week Matt’s numbers don’t jump off the page at you, but that young man is a winner and so are his teammates.

Last week In a matchup between undefeated teams that drew an estimated 2,500 to Elkhorn Stadium, the Class B No. 3 Dragons (8-0) clinched the District 3 championship in advance of next Friday’s regular-season finale at home against winless Elkhorn Mount Michael.

“Our defense did great,’’ Dragons quarterback Matt Jones said. “Our line had some great blocking that made some holes for (Andy) Janovich.”

Andy Janovich, the Dragons’ fullback, popped free for a 68-yard touchdown on the game’s second play and closed the scoring with a lookalike 48-yarder on the final play of the third quarter.

A state champion wrestler and returning Class B all-state linebacker, the 6-1, 205-pounder had a season-best 181 yards on 12 carries with three touchdowns as he pushed his team-leading season total to 617 yards on only 73 attempts.

“He’s our short-yardage back,’’ Jones said, “but he has a little bit of speed.”

Elkhorn Coach Mark Wortman won’t disagree.

“He’s just that good,’’ the coach said. “He’s a wrestler, so he has good balance. You have trouble bringing him down. It looks like he just sheds tacklers if you only try to arm-tackle.”

Elkhorn ran 60 plays to Gretna’s 40. In the second half, the Antlers had the ball for 28 of the first 37 snaps and didn’t score.

The No. 4 Antlers (7-1) got their first-half touchdowns on an over-the-shoulder catch by Ryan Michael that went for a 53-yard pass play from Daniel Feickert and a 10-yard run by Graham Nabity in the final minute to trail by only 21-14.

Nabity’s 136 yards on 25 carries increased his season totals to 1,034 yards and 15 touchdowns.

“By far they were the best team we’ve played this year,” Gretna coach Chad Jepsen said. “We knew it would be a battle.”

Congratulations Dragons, you earned it.

COACH’S SPEAK

We often times hear coaches speak and we aren’t really sure what they mean or what the implications of what they are saying and how that transcends to the football field. Have no fear.

I am going to help you understand what coach’s “mean what they mean” when they “say what they say”

SOUTH CAROLINA: Last week Coach Steve dismissed Gamecock Quarterback Stephen Garcia from the football team (for the thirteenth time) because “The Ole Ball Coach” said…
“Stephen failed a test….”

What Coach Steve meant by this statement was….
“That boy could have peed a Technicolor rainbow, raped a Nun and robbed a liquor store and I wouldn’t have cared a bit as long as he was throwing touchdowns instead of interceptions”

OLE MISS: Prior to the game with the University of Alabama Crimson Tide…
Coach Houston Nutt “suspended” four Rebel players for unknown reasons..
Coach Nutt had this to say about the suspensions
“I hated to suspend them all and it’s going to hurt us in this game but there is nothing more important than team disciple”

What Houston Nut meant to say was…..

“I knew we were going to get our asses kicked between our shoulder blades anyway so I suspended those guys so, after we got the hell beat out of us, I can say that we might have won the game if I didn’t have to suspend those guys. It’s a win-win.”

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC Country!!!

The Big Blue Trojans from here in Telfair County took the long trip down to Folkston for a matchup against the Charlton County Indians. The trip must have taken a toll on our hometown heroes as they made the long trip back to McRae on the short end of a 42-0 score. Try as they might, it just doesn’t seem like the offense has been able to generate anything against some of the powerhouse teams of Region 2-A. But, once again, our Trojans fought long and hard in the losing effort. Next up for the Trojans is a matchup against a traditional Class A football power in the state of Georgia; the Clinch County Panthers from down in Homerville. The Panthers bring with them 5 wins to go with 2 uncharacteristic losses in a game that the Trojans have been looking forward to all season. I know our boys will represent us well!!!

Oh, and don’t forget about the Milan Harvest Festival on the 22nd of October. It’s a fun filled festival with plenty of fun to be had by one and all. And the special entertainment will be the Poultry Palace!! Yes, you will be amazed by these trained chickens which sing, dance, talk, and do some impressive tricks!!! Also, there will be opportunities for the kids to interact with the birds. This is “must see” entertainment down on Main Street in Milan, Ga. For those of you interested, here is the link to Poultry Palace: http://www.poultrypalace.net/

On Saturday, the Red Clay Hounds traveled to Nashville to take on the Shipmates of Vandy. The Navigators nearly upended the visiting Dawgs as Georgia held on for a 33-28 victory. The outcome was in doubt right up until the last few seconds of the game as a blocked punt gave the ‘Dores the ball at the Georgia 20 yard line with 7 seconds left. The Athenians held on for the victory, but, it was a little too close for comfort.

Meanwhile, up in Charlottesville, VA, the Ramblin wreck strode in with a number 12 ranking in the polls and left with a 24-21 loss that will surely cause them to drop like a rock in the newest polls. The Bees once again failed to play defense as they allowed the Cavalier Crew to rack up 272 yards on the ground. The difference this week was that the offense couldn’t get on track for the Trade School as they could only muster 21. It was a tough loss for the Atlantans as they were off to their best start since ’66.

Up the road at Paulson Stadium, the Birds of Southern were more like buzzards, as they shredded the visiting Paladins of Furman to the tune of 50 – 20, and then feasted on the carcass. 5 different players scored in the shellacking and even the Defense got involved as they blocked an extra point and ran it back to add 2 more points to the tally. The Blue Clad Birds tacked up the most points in the rivalry since 1998′s 45 – 17 victory and was an appropriate ending as they saluted the 1986 National Championship team.

Elsewhere, the Crimson Tide turned into a bloody tsunami as they thoroughly devastated an outmatched and outclassed Ole Miss team by a 52-7 margin. And the score still doesn’t tell the story on how much of a route this really was. Trent Richardson racked up over 180 yards and also gave us a Heisman signature moment on a 76 yard run as he made the Rebs look like a Junior High Team.

The Bayou Bengals added another notch to their win column as they dismantled the Coon Hounds by a score of 38-7 in Knoxville. The Vols may have got a little bit of false hope after finishing the 1st quarter tied up at 0. But, the Big Cats bared their claws and reminded the homestanding Tennesseans that this was not last year as they piled on the points to make sure Les Miles didn’t have to manage the clock.

And down at Davis-Wade over in Starkville, the Chickens escaped with their lives as they were almost Southern Fried by the pesky Bulldogs. These roosters almost broke the rules of nature by nearly laying an egg in a 14-12 win. QB Conner Shaw tossed a jump ball to a leaping Alshon Jeffery to give the visiting Columbians the victory. But this one will be bittersweet as the Gamecocks finally got rid of the troubled Stephen Garcia and lost workhorse RB Marcus Lattimore to a knee injury. No word yet on how serious it is but let’s wish the young man well.

Up in Tortoise-land, the Clemson Tigers were obviously sickened by the sight of the homestanding Terrapins home uniforms and fell behind 28-10. Young QB Tajh Boyd was obviously fed some Dramamine by Coach Dabo Swinney and led the comeback as the #8 Orange clad Cats to come away from a 56-45 shootout with a win.

The Nuts from the North got by the Ilini with a gameplan that Coach Luke “The Pickel” Fickell designed to keep the ball out of QB Braxton Miller’s hands. It worked like a charm. I’m sure the Buckie’s will be bucking for a place in the polls after the game but if the pollsters are smart they’ll remember that the Cheeseheads of Wisconsin loom on the horizon for the ‘Eyes and won’t waste their votes.

And, finally, the Trojans of USC made the Cal Bruins pay for their fashion faux pas by taking this game 30-9. The 5-1 Kiffin led T-bones created numerous turnovers in the win over a fellow weak sister in the PAC (Pitiful Athletic Conference)-12. I will give this to the PAC-12. They can count, unlike other conferences, although I suspect Stanford had something to do with that.

Well, folks, it’s that time again. Let’s get to the Peach State Prognostication. Let’s take a close, in-depth look at what happened with our two in-state institutions of higher learning. The Dawgs dodged a bullet and the Wreck threw a rod. Georgia is winning the games it’s supposed to win, but, beating traditional SEC bottom feeders in less than convincing fashion is not impressive. However, an SEC road win will get you some bonus points. On the other hand, a loss to a traditionally mediocre conference rival in the ACC (Athletically Challenged Conference) will make your stock drop faster than Barrack Obama’s poll numbers. With that in mind, I’m picking this one 35-17 Cow College. When you’re defense can’t stop an angry Chihuahua, the opponent’s offense is going to plow through you like Rosie O’Donnell at a Dolly Madison factory, it’s as simple as that.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE CFB WIZARD READER CONTEST

As promised Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will have a monthly contest until the end of the season and the winners will have the chance to meet and hang out with The CFB Wizard at an upcoming book signing and discuss a variety of college football topics over lunch as well as receive an autographed picture of my Black Lab “Doc”
(He signs all his own autographs)

This week’s Contest involves a test of your College Football Knowledge.

In the picture below can you identify the lone Oklahoma Sooner’s Cheerleader amongst the Nebraska Cornhusker’s Cheerleaders?

Please submit your answers via the CFB Wizard website, you must be at least eighteen (18) years old to enter and all employees, staff and unpaid interns of the CFB Wizard are not illegible.

The Winners will be named in upcoming articles…

Good Luck!

EMAIL QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Sir,
I got this problem and I wanna know if you kin help me.
See, I got this, ah, friend who got in trouble after tha Alabama-Auburn game last year.
He got all liquered up, and got all mad, and when out and, well…. let’s say he messed up some bushes that belonged to the sorry-assed Auburn folks over in Timmy’s Corners.
Well, after that he was kinda skeered but he called up this radio fella that was doin a show and told em what he done and all and the dang law tracked him down. Well, after that all them dang Auburn Tiger people started messin with him and he had ta move outta the state fer awhile after he got through with some jailin and court stuff.
So he got himself a lawyer but that dang fella said not to call that radio fella and, well, my friend just couldn’t help hisself and he kept callin. I mean, Barbara Dooley calls them folks up all the time and nobody gets her in trouble. Now the lawyer fella up and quit on my friend. So here’s my question, is there such a thang as a law bout killin a bush or two?
Is them Auburn folks a bunch of bush huggers?
And do you know where I can get me another good lawyer? Ah, for my friend?

Thanks Mr Wizard –
ArveyHay Dikeupway

A: I don’t care who you are, this is funny as hell.

Q: Hey Dude are you going to join us at the “Occupy Wall Street” March?

Chip – Ithaca, New York

A: Chip I think you stumbled across the wrong website…
I think you are looking for…

I’m a Dumbass.org

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

DELTA STATE: Congratulations to the Fighting Okra for knocking off the previously undefeated North Alabama Lions and taking over the Number 1 position in Division II Football.

That was one heck of a game.

OLE MISS: Do you still have a “Marching Band” or did you find that “politically incorrect” too?
The reason I ask is….
During the game last week with Alabama your public address system at the stadium belted out an 80’s soundtrack throughout the entire game; I never once heard the marching band play.

ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: As I have mentioned on numerous occasions…
I dearly love ESPN’s College Game Day, it’s the best there is anywhere…

But they punted one in the stands last Saturday with the segment entitled..
“College Football Fashion Police”

Attempting to justify the ugly ass uniforms of Maryland, Michigan and Oregon doesn’t make us like them any better; it makes us loath them all the more.

KENTUCKY: I want to take this time to apologize to the Kentucky Wildcat Football Fans…
For not picking their game last Saturday. But here is what happened…

It was a close contest but the Wildcats pulled it out with a late field goal in the closing moments

The Score….
Kentucky 17 Bye Week 14….

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: Speaking of the University of Kentucky Football Team…
With all the talk of the Texas A&M Aggies joining the Southeastern Conference, the National Sports media has missed another story of interest going on in the Conference.
While Texas A&M is in the process of joining the SEC, The University of Kentucky Football team is looking to move to the 13th Region of Kentucky 5A High School Football under the stipulation that they don’t have to play the Mighty (8-0) Harlan County Black Bears for two years.

More on this story as it develops…

ESPN COLLEGE FOOTBALL STUDIO: This message is for Ms. Wendi Nix in the ESPN College Football Studio…..

We all know that you are just as cute as can be….

But sweetheart, you need to learn how to “pronounce” the names of the respective colleges and the names of their teams if you are going to give a score update. I know, I know….

“Wisconsin” is a BIG word and so is “Louisiana State University” which is actually three words

But if you don’t get “Hooked on Phonics” very quickly….
Your employers at ESPN are going to think you are drinking on the job.

CARSON NEWMAN: Has the Spark gone out of the Eagles?

TEXAS TECH: Are you all missing Coach Mike Leach yet? Just wondering…

MICHIGAN: The “new” Wolverine uniforms look like a group of ten year olds ate some high lighters and then vomited on some blue jerseys. And if that isn’t bad enough…

I have on good authority that the “new” uniforms with the large “M” on the front of the Michigan jerseys almost caused the Wolverines to be late for the opening kickoff last week.

The Michigan players thought all the jersey’s were medium’s and they spent most of the morning looking for their correct sizes.

ST OALF: Congratulations on winning the Cereal Bowl and the Goat Trophy last week..
I told you all that was a serious rivalry, didn’t I?

SOUTH CAROLINA: So they say that Coach Steve is an “Offensive Genius…”
Well they got it half right…..

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: I don’t know which was worse last week…

CBS College Football “commentator” Vern Lunquest trying to “feel up” Peyton Manning in the booth…..
Or Peyton Manning seemingly enjoying it

SEC REFEREE’S: So let me be sure I have this right….
Ole Miss got beat by the score of 52 to 7 last week and they didn’t have a single penalty?
Not one?

One of the best defenses in the entire country rushes the passer and nobody holds, not once?
Really?

So here’s my question, if Ole Miss didn’t commit any errors then how did they lose?

PAC 12: I read recently that “television revenue is down in the PAC 12 Conference and the Conference is going to create a committee to determine the reason for the loss of viewership”

Let me save you dumbasses some time so you don’t have to convene a damn committee.

Your football games come on at Midnight on the East Coast (That’s Eastern Standard Time if you are unaware) and Eleven o’clock Central Time and NOBODY is going to stay up and watch those games after watching Oklahoma, LSU, Alabama, and Clemson, Wisconsin etc…

There is your answer, think of me as a “time saver”, no need to thank me.

GEORGIA: If your coaches want to wrestle (or Wrastle as we say in the South) with opposing coaches there is a league for that and it isn’t in college football.

CLEMSON: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

ALABAMA: If this isn’t the run of the week, then I don’t know what is….
It’s worth another look

Enjoy….

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE GAMES

Thursday October 20th

Central Florida at UAB
One thing you can say about the Blazers, they have been consistent all year.
O’ SO very GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-10

West Alabama at West Georgia
These two teams are battling to see who makes the playoffs and who stays at home.
It’s going to be a barn burner, believe it.
BAMA WEST 31-28

UCLA at Arizona
This is the very best game on Thursday Night at Midnight on ESPN U
Yippee
BRUINS 24-21

Friday October 21st

Rutgers at Louisville
I’m not so sure the Cardinal’s are all that Strong right now.
JERSEY BOY’S 28-24

West Virginia at Syracuse
I hope Otto the Orange isn’t setting on a couch when this game is over.
That costume of his looks flammable to me.
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-21

Saturday October 22nd

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten or whatever Game and you know what that means
That’s right kids, another Rivalry Trophy!
This rivalry in farm country is played for the John Deere Tractor Terrarium Trophy
(I hear it’s all in 3D)
HAWKEYES 34-17

Oklahoma State at Missouri
I am afraid the Prairie Wind is going to do naughty things to MO…
But I think Larry and Curley will be alright as long as they get out of the way.
COWBOY UP! 38-24

Cincinnati at South Florida
The Boy’s from Tampa started the Season out with a Bang….
And then fizzled out like a wet firecracker.
I don’t get it
BEARKATS 33-28

North Carolina Pembroke at Carson Newman
I am trying to believe that the Spark hasn’t gone out of the Mighty Eagles
I really am trying….
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-34

Kansas State at Kansas
This instate rivalry is called “The Sunflower Showdown”
I am glad it isn’t called the “Petunia Playoff” or I would have had to make fun of it.
WILDCATS 24-21

Illinois at Purdue
Guess what’s coming up…..
That’s Right, another rivalry Trophy!
The winners of this game receive the Ricardo Montalban Rich Corinthian Leather Trophy
The losers of the game get to drive a rusted out 80’s model Chrysler Cordoba for a year.
People in this part of the country like to think of this game as a win-win.
Also a Purdue Cannon is involved somehow, which is strange.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 28-17

Jacksonville State at Kentucky
The Wildcats are coming off an impressive showing during the Bye Week…
And the Gamecocks of J-Ville aren’t what they once were a couple of years ago.
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 24-10

Arkansas at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt…..
This week, not so much..
HAWGS 34-17

Delaware at Rhode Island
I stand by my convictions…
I cannot pick a team whose entire existence is predicated on a lie.
Rhode Island ISN’T a Damn Island! Get it straight people!
BLUE HENS 38-17

Western Michigan at Eastern Michigan
Another Battle in the Land of Michigan for the Chili MAC and Cheese Trophy!
If you add some chopped onions and Tabasco to that Trophy, it’s delicious.
BRONCO’S 34-28

Marist at Butler
This game really made me think….
I sure hope Marist has a Butler…
That girl deserves that kind of treatment, she is a real Fox
RED FOXES 28-24

Valdosta State at Delta State
The Delta Fighting Okra has another Top 5 opponent this week in the Mighty Blazers.
It’s going to be a championship fight until the final whistle blows.
Believe it
FIGHTING OKRA 31-28

Central Michigan at Ball State
This game may finally answer the question…
How much wood could a Chippewa chuck if a Chippewa could chuck wood?
(Say that one three times fast and see what happens)
CARDINAL’S 34-28

Cal Poly at North Dakota
Does Polly want a cracker?
How about some……
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-17
(I just love saying that…)

Muhlenberg at Juniata
I know a couple of things about this game that may have an outcome on the contest.
Juanita has what we like to refer to as an “Anger Management Problem” and she likes to scrap and by that I don’t mean “Scrap Book”.
And the Mule Face Girl, well….
I hear she has a “Great Personality”….
J-LO 28-13

New Mexico at Texas Christian
The Lobo’s get the Lowdown on a Horn Frog Beat Down in Cow Town
Believe it
HORNED FROGS 43-17

Presbyterian at Georgia Southern
The only “Blue” the Blue Ho’s are going to get in this game is “The Statesboro Blues”
SOUTHERN EAGLES 43-21

Idaho State at Brigham Young
I don’t know if Famous Potatoes State has any Ida Honkies like the University of Idaho does
But you can’t stop a man from dreaming….
COUGARS 41-17

North Dakota State at South Dakota State
There is a lot of Dakota and States in this game.
But as Vince Vaughn would say in “Four Christmas’s”…
“This is how we handle our business in the Bison State momma…”
BIG OLE BISONS 34-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
It’s official….
The Hokey Pokeys have turned themselves around
FIGHTING TURKEYS 24-17

Temple at Bowling Green
The Hooting has gone out of the owls and the Falcons are flying again.
Sorry, but that’s how it is…
GREEN FALCONS 33-17

Memphis at Tulane
This game will be like watching two old people in a nursing home fighting over a cup of pudding
At first it’s kind of funny, and then it’s just sad.
ELVIS’S TIGERS 17-13

Air Force at Boise State
I never would have thought the Mighty United States Air Force Academy couldn’t fly….
But they sure are playing like it lately
BRONCO’S 43-24

East Carolina at Navy
Ever since the game against the Air Force Academy…..
I am afraid my Midshipmen have run aground.
PIRATES 38-21

Auburn at LSU
I have some advice for the Auburn folks in this game.
I wouldn’t let that drunken War Eagle fly around too much in Death Valley…
The Folks down there will kill and eat anything.
Welcome to Death Valley
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-14

Oregon at Colorado
I am having a hard time remembering why I should care about this game…
That’s right I don’t, never mind.
QUACKS 6-3

Ursinus at Susquehanna
The University playing Susie this weekend reminds me of all the times I got in trouble in Astronomy class in College. The female Professor would ask….
”Young man what are you staring at?”
And I would reply….
“I’m staring at your Uranus”
(That joke never got old for me…)
SUSIE Q 31-17

Ohio at Akron
This game features another Buckeye State Battle and Rivalry…
This one is played for the Yak Ass Trophy, which looks eerily similar to…
Rosie O’Donnell’s face, when she hasn’t shaved.
I’m just saying….
FRANK’S CATS 33-31

Texas A&M at Iowa State
The Cyclones haven’t generated enough wind lately to classify as a decent popcorn fart
GIG EM AGGIES 41-24

Nebraska at Minnesota
The Groundhogs came out of their respective holes last week and saw their shadows…
And you know what that means…
Six more weeks of losing football games..
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-10

Montana State at Northern Colorado
The Bears of Colorado have been improving each week this season…
But not so much this week
BOBCATS 31-17

Fresno State at Nevada
You know what they say..
“What Happens in Vegas, usually results in an untreatable STD”
WOLF PACK 38-17

Marshall at Houston
My Fans in Beautiful Huntington West Virginia know I appreciate them and I pull for the Thundering Herd each and every week. But there is an exception to every rule…
This week being the exception to that particular rule
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-21

Montana at Northern Arizona
The Lumberjacks can’t climb high enough to get away from the….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-13

Miami (OH) at Toledo
This evenly matched rivalry in the Buckeye State is played for the coveted…
“Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”
Because I don’t care…
REDHAWKS 28-24

Utah at California
I am really excited about this game!
I have never seen Two Utes ride a bear before!
TWO UTES 28-24

Army at Vanderbilt
The Commodores (Not the unbelievably talented Musical Group) almost beat the Georgia Bulldogs last Saturday night and that’s good enough for me here.
BRICKHOUSE COMMODORES 34-17

MIT at Salve Regina
I don’t know why the Mississippi Institute of Technology is playing this Yugoslavian girl
But she better have her “Big Girl” pants on for this game, those Mississippi Folks are tough.
MISS TECH 31-17

Penn State at Northwestern
There was time when the Wildcats could compete with Joe Pa and the Happy Valley Lions.
This however isn’t the time
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-17

Tulsa at Rice
Rice University has one of the most extensive research and testing facilities that you could find anywhere in the country and their Engineering Department is second to none.
Which of course means absolutely nothing here…
I just wanted to say something positive before the Owls got their ass kicked.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-14

Louisiana Monroe at North Texas
I have an idea that will help Monroe get those blood stains out of his uniform.
Try using a little…
MEAN GREEN 28-17

Tennessee at Alabama
The team’s records or standings don’t matter in this game
This game is Republicans and Democrats
Oil and Water
Cowboys and Indians
Except its worse…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Amen Brother…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17

Southern California at Notre Dame
This age old grudge feast is played for the coveted “Jeweled Shillelagh”
You can catch all the action of this gridiron matchup on NBC….
Which of course stands for “No Body Cares”
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma
So Red Raider fans…..
How do you like that Coach Tommy Tub now?
If he is a “defensive genius” then I’m a Polish Astronaut…
BOOMER SOONERS 52-10

Washington at Stanford
I have two very good reasons why I will not be able to watch this game…
“Sea Monkeys” on QVC “For Fun and Profit”
Actually that is more than two words, but you get the picture
CARDINAL 44-17

Wisconsin at Michigan State
This game will be a lot (a Lot) closer than you might think…
So don’t be surprised if it goes the other way
BUCKY BADGER 28-24

Southern Methodist at Southern Miss
Both of these teams are Red Hot…
It’s sure to be one heck of a game in Hattiesburg
It’s a Toss-up
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-28

Hope at Trine
I really Hope Trine Wins this game…
WATERMELON TRINE 24-17

Middle Tennessee at Florida Atlantic
I believe the Owls are all but Hooted out in this one
BLUE RAIDERS 34-17

Colorado State at UTEP
This is sure to be a Big game in the…..
Western Middle Somewhere out West Not in My Time Zone Conference
I can hardly wait
MINERS 28-21

Oregon State at Washington State
I haven’t been this disappointed in Beavers since I went to my first Carnival Sideshow
(NO, it wasn’t that kind of Carnival Sideshow)
Never mind….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 24-21

Maryland at Florida State
If the Fighting Linoleum Floor Panels wear those God awful uniforms to Tallahassee…
Then I have an idea where Chief Osceola can plant his spear.
MIGHTY SEMINOLES 38-28

Georgia Tech at Miami
The Rambler’s Wrecked last Saturday; But Hurricane Season is just about over
YELLOW JACKETS 34-24

St Olaf at Augsburg
St. O’ has won the prized Cereal Bowl and the coveted Goat Trophy last week.
(Did I not tell you all that was a serious rivalry, believe me now?)
And that’s good enough for me.
ST. OLIE 28-17

North Carolina at Clemson
The Tar Heels will keep this one close for a little while…
But these aren’t the same Ole Tigers that fade when the season goes along.
These Tigers are for Real; Believe it
DABO’S TIGERS 34-24

North Carolina State at Virginia
These Pack of Wolves are playing more like a fresh litter of Chihuahua puppies
CAVALIERS 24-10

Wake Forest at Duke
The Blue Devils will keep this one close….
Until they hear “And the Home of the Brave…”
Then they will be down by two touchdowns
DEMON DEACONS 38-17

Sunday October 23rd

New Mexico State at Hawaii
This game in Hawaii is an upset and I will tell you why…
I’m upset that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” still hasn’t started their new Season on A&E
(Please see your local listings for times in your area)
LASSO LARRY 31-28

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I was traveling recently and was forced to set next to a group of folks from New York City complaining about “Everything in the South” and for the record….

I am convinced that a New York accent is the greatest birth control device known to mankind.

And it occurred to me during this ear rape I was experiencing that I had received an email recently that was perfect for this occasion. I want to share that with you now…

I think it’s just perfect

Enjoy….

This was written by Robert St. John, executive chef and owner of the Purple Parrot Cafe, Crescent City Grill and Mahogany Bar of Hattiesburg, MS.
And for the record those aren’t the only fine restaurants in Mississippi!

My South

Thirty years ago I visited my first cousin in Northern Virginia.
While hanging out with his friend, the discussion turned to popular movies of the day.

When I offered my two-cents on the authenticity and social relevance of the movie Billy Jack, one of the boys asked, in all seriousness; “Do you guys have movie theaters down there?”
To which I replied, “Yep. We wear shoes too.”

Just three years ago, my wife and I were attending a food and wine seminar in Aspen, Colo. We were seated with two couples from Las Vegas. One of the Glitter Gulch gals was amused and downright rude when I described our restaurant as a fine-dining restaurant.

“Mississippi doesn’t have fine-dining restaurants!” she insisted and nudged her companion. I fought back the strong desire to mention that she lived in the land that invented the 99-cent breakfast buffet.

I wanted badly to defend my state, my region, and my restaurant with a 15-minute soliloquy and public relations rant that would surely change her mind. It was at that precise moment that I was hit with a blinding jolt of enlightenment, and in a moment of complete and absolute clarity it dawned on me…..
My South is the best-kept secret in the country.
Why would I try to win this woman over? She might move down here.

I am always amused by Hollywood’s interpretation of the South. We are still, on occasion, depicted as a collective group of sweaty, stupid, backwards-minded, racist rednecks.
The South of movies and TV, the Hollywood South, is not my South.

This is my South:

My South is full of honest, hardworking people. My South is the birthplace of blues and jazz, and rock n’ roll. It has banjo pickers and fiddle players, but it also has BB King, Muddy Waters, the Allman Brothers, Lynyrd Skynyrd , Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Emmylou Harris and a guy named Elvis.

My South is hot. My South smells of newly mowed grass. My South still has kick the can, creek swimming, cane-pole fishing and bird hunting.

In my South, football is King, and the Southeastern Conference is the Kingdom.

My South is home to the most beautiful women on the planet.

In my South, soul food and country cooking are the same thing.

My South is full of fig preserves, cornbread, butter beans, fried chicken, grits and catfish.

In my South, our transistor radios introduced us to the Beatles and the Rolling Stones at the same time they were introduced to the rest of the country.

In my South, grandmothers cook a big lunch every Sunday, so big that we call it dinner
(supper comes later).

In my South, family matters, deeply.

My South is boiled shrimp, blackberry cobbler, peach ice cream, banana pudding and cream pies.

In my South people put peanuts in bottles of Coca-Cola and hot sauce on almost everything.

In my South the tea is iced and almost as sweet as the women.

My South has air-conditioning.

My South is camellias, azaleas, wisteria and hydrangeas.

In my South, the only person that has to sit on the back of the bus is the last person that got on the bus.

In my South, people still say ‘Yes, ma’am,’ ‘No ma’am,’ ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you.’

In my South, we all wear shoes….most of the time.

My South is the best-kept secret in the country.

Please continue to keep the secret. . . .it keeps the idiots away.

Amen Brother

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This week….
I write to you from high atop my mountain compound that is the RTR Ranch and Sanatorium.

I felt obligated to be in a “safe” place to write this week since the Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and the Kansas State Wildcats are both undefeated (6-0) for the first time since the Pilgrims played a Thanksgiving Football game. Because as we all know, that is one of the first signs of the coming Apocalypse.

But enough about the end of the world, let’s talk College Football

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
Despite screwing up the “High School Player of the Week” nominations…
And getting embarrassed with “Upset Specials” that only seemed to upset yours truly..

Was an astounding 48 and 11 or 81%
(Please hold your astonishment until the very end of the article..)

That leaves the CFB Wizard after 6 weeks in the college football season at 348 and 77 or 82%

Now you may release your individual astonishment…

Enjoy your Picks…

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

The 50th annual Winnersville Classic in Georgia between the Valdosta Wildcats and Lowndes County Vikings was played in front a packed Martin Stadium last Friday night with the Wildcats coming up with an amazing 21-17 victory. The Cats were led by Jr. Quarterback Shelby Wilkes who was a backup player when the season started. This improbable win was the first for Valdosta since 2003 and seemed all but impossible heading into the final minute of play with Lowndes up 17-7 on the visiting Cats. Wilkes led the Cats on a 60 yard drive with 48 seconds left. Valdosta then recovered the onside kick to give Wilkes one last shot. That was all he needed as he connected with Avery Burney for a 35 yard touchdown to send the visitors to a victory.

Congratulations to Shelby Wilkes and the Valdosta Wildcats!

SOUTH GEORGIA NEWS and VIEWS

Hello from the heart of SEC country!!

I’m sad to report that the hometown Trojans lost another tough game to Region 2-A opponent Irwin County Friday night. The boys in blue traveled to Ocilla to take on the home standing Indians and came away on the short end of a 21-3 score. These boys played tough and fought hard all night but just couldn’t push the rock across the goal line. The season may be two thirds complete, but you can see definite improvement with every game that goes by.

Next up is a trip down south to Folkston, Georgia to take on the 6-1 Indians of Charlton County. It’s going to be a long trip to take on a tough team, but I’ve got faith that the Trojans will represent Telfair County with pride and courage.

Up in the Georgia state capitol, the Paul Johnson’s Bee’s took on the Astro-Terps of Maryland and held on by the fuzz of their thoraxes for a 21-16 win. Two weeks in a row these bees knees have played down to the competition. The Trade School was held to a season low in points, total offense, and passing yards against one of the weak(er) sisters of the Almost Competitive Conference. Defense got a stop in the 4th quarter to actually salvage a win. The Wreck takes on Virginia next week in another game against a less than stellar opponent.

Meanwhile, up the road in Knoxville, the Red Clay Hounds took on the Orange Clad Volunteers and walked away with a 20-12 win. The 6-6 score at halftime didn’t begin to tell the tale of futility of the two opponents as the two teams traded field goals. The Cow College distanced themselves in the 3rd with a couple of touchdowns and the defense played with inspiration to turn the orange-clad Knox-villains away and keep them out of the end zone. Next up for the Hounds is a tough Vanderbilt team coming to play between the hedges. The Dawgs continue to show improvement as the season goes on, but, the true test of their mettle will be in two weeks with a trip to Jacksonville for the renewal of the annual World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.

And up in Statesboro, the Pigeons hung on to pin a loss on the visiting Snakes from Chattanooga. The Eagles took a 21-7 lead to the locker room at halftime but the Mocs put a scare into the hometown crowd by tying the score with just over 9 minutes left in the fourth. QB Jaybo Shaw put the hometown heroes up with a Southern 4th quarter score but the Chattanoogaan’s weren’t done as they also scored the potential game tying touchdown. Fortunately, Eagle’s defender Josh Rowe rushed the Mocs QB on the 2 point conversion attempt and the ball fell harmlessly to the Erk Russel rug to preserve the number 1 ranked Eagle’s win.

In other action, a new era was ushered into Williams-Brice Stadium as the Kentucky Wildcats traveled to Columbia to take on the Conner Shaw led Gamecocks. What a difference a week makes. After being left for dead by the Barners of Alabama, the Gamecocks hung 54 points on the Lexington Big Blue. And once again the defense got in on the action with 6 turnovers. It’s only Kentucky, Gamecock fans, so don’t make reservations to the SEC Championship game yet.

Over in Bryant-Denny, the Tuscaloosa Pachyderms sent the Commodores down the gang plank as they sunk Vanderbilt 34-0. A.J. McCarron had season highs in TDs and passing yards as the Boys from Bama posted scores in all 4 quarters in another convincing SEC win.

Mark November 5th on your calendars folks.
The immovable object meets the unstoppable force as the Bayou Bengals travel to T-Town for a game that may also leave people on the front rows of the stadium battered and bruised!

Over in Fayetteville, the Razorbacks took on the Tigers from the Plains, who have an identity crisis since they have an Eagle for a mascot, and dropped the visitors to 4-2 on the season with a convincing 38-14 win. The Aubies were soundly thrashed by their hosts and left holding a rather tenuous grip on 3rd place in the SEC West.

Elsewhere, the Oklahoma Sooners took on the Longhorns of Texas in the Red River Rivalry. No, Texas, that wasn’t a Sooner Schooner that ran over you, it was a Mack Truck. The Pioneers thoroughly dominated Bevo’s Boys to the tune of 55-17. It was close after 15 minutes but once the Okie Dokie got hot they tore through Texas like a prairie fire.

Clemson continued its winning ways with a sound win against the visiting Boston College Iggles. QB Tajh Boyd was hurt in the win but it’s not thought to be too serious. The Orange Tigers take on the Rambling Wreck in Bobby-Dodd in two weeks in a game which will determine which of these two is a contender and which one is a pretender.

Up in corn country, the Corn Shuckers turned away the Nutty Buddies of Ohio in one of the greatest comebacks in Nebraska history. The Taylor Martinez led Farm Hands came back from a 21 point deficit to turn the visitors around and send the visitors back to Columbus sporting a 3-3 record. And finally, the Golden Domers topped the Wing Nuts of Air Force 59-33. In the first of two games against the Service Academies, the South Benders routed another less than stellar opponent in their attempt to occupy a spot in the bottom of the top 25. But, one question comes to mind that I’ve always wanted to ask. Why does a Catholic School have a mural of Touchdown Jesus in their end zone? Are they trying to send a message to the Pope?

Now it’s time again for the Peach State Prognostication. I really didn’t see much to get excited about from either team. But, get ready Dawg fans, for the pendulum is swinging.

I’m going to have to go with the Clark Countians by a 27-21 score this week.

Why, you ask? Simple; Defense. The Jackets don’t have much and the Dawgs do. The futility of the offenses offset each other. Plus, after coming off of a rough two weeks to start the season, the Athenians are showing character in winning by any means necessary.
I could be wrong, but gut feeling says the tide may be turning.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

(FULL MOON) EMAILS OF THE WEEK

Q: You are a damn raciest! I have never in my life read such garbage!

Do you have any idea that comparisons like you made with Coach Phil Fulmer to monkeys are raciest?
Or are you just that stupid? I have never read anything so insulting and degrading!

You should apologize for such disgusting rants.

Debra – Nashville, Tennessee

A: Thank you so much Debra for taking the time to point this out to me.
You are right.
I want to take this time to apologize to any Chimpanzees, Gorillas, Orangutans or Spider Monkeys that were offended by my comparisons of them to the vile and disgusting Phil Fulmer.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
I got this question that’s kinda puzzlin me an yore bout the smartest man on tha planet so I figured you could help me. I was watchin a football game on tha TV and they had this thing they give out that made me just scratch my haid. See theres this award they give to tha “top African-American scholar athlete.”
I just don’t understand that.
Aint that racist?
Didn’t that Marty Lutheran King fella say sumpin bout judgin folks by the contents of their characters and not by the color of their skin or sumpin like that? Well if you is judgin folks by that how can they just give out a award for a Afircan American college football fella cause he’s Afircan American?
And here’s sompin else that’s got me ta just shakin my head. They got that club called the N-A-A-C-P. Just in case you didn’t know, that means National Association for the Advancement of Colered people.
Well, I don’t know bout where you come from, but down in these here parts, if you say sumpin bout colered folks, theres some people that get real riled up. I mean, I don’t know whether ta say colered, or black, or Afircan American.

So, can you help me out and set me straight on somma this stuff. Im real confused.

Lemuel in Ludowici

A: Thank you for the fine compliment Lemuel, but I’m not sure I can help you out on this topic as I prefer to identify people by their names and not by something else. But…..
The good news in all this is that “Saltine Crackers” will be promoting their own scholarship athlete in the coming weeks.

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –

We are Big Fans! We love your column!
We have a question for you Mister Wizard!
So like what is the first thing you do every morning to get you ready for the day?

GO MIZZOU TIGERS!

Delores, Margaret and Janice – Kansas City, Missouri

A: Thank you for the kind email Ladies…
When I wake up the first thing I do each and every morning is….

“Remember the Alamo”

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I noticed that some weeks you “don’t do so well” on your college football picks.
(No disrespect intended)
So what is your secret to bouncing back from a tough week?
I am having kind of a tough time myself and was wondering what your secret was?

Thanks Dude your website rocks
Steve – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Thank you for the compliment on the website Steve..

I wouldn’t suggest my “method” for clearing one’s mind to anyone Steve it is far too harsh and potentially dangerous but “IF” you decide to submit yourself to such a treatment, then I can only wish you good luck and I will not answer any phone calls from your personal injury attorney.

I would suggest listening to “Black Oak Arkansas” backwards for three hours.

Then you will understand what they truly mean by “Jim Dandy to the Rescue”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH CAROLINA: So Coach Steve…..
You didn’t decide to take a knee in the last minute of the game; instead you opted to score again.
Then you thought it was “cute” to be a smartass at the post game news conference and make fun of Kentucky’s futility in the game. Classy Coach, real Classy.

Then to make things even better….
You have a complete PMS meltdown at your Tuesday news conference over (of all things) a reporter being in the room “you didn’t like”.

And to top it all off you kick Stephen Garcia off the team for what, the thirteenth time?

Sounds like somebody needs to retire…for good.

OREGON: Aren’t you all on probation yet or are you still Ducking the NCAA?

TEXAS: I was always told if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

So I won’t

DR. PEPPER COMMERCIAL: If I see your stupid commercial featuring some jackass in sunglasses singing some stupid Hip Hop crap to Dr. Pepper again; in the name of Elvis I swear I am going to shoot my television screen out.

AIR FORCE: I can’t believe I saw the United States Air Force get Bombed last Saturday…
And for the record I am talking about the game with Notre Dame not Saturday Night’s shenanigans at the Officers Club.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: How are you Trojans enjoying your Lame Kitten?

TEXAS A&M: I hope my article this week helped with you all with your “marriage plans”….

No need to thank me

TENNESSEE: I know Volunteer fans are frustrated, it’s because you are impatient and were used to winning, even if it was with thugs and criminals. But let this be said and let it sink in…

This is the first time in at least twenty years…..

Twenty years….

There hasn’t been any off season arrest of ANY Tennessee Football Players…

No Rapes, No attempted Murders, No Thefts, No Drunk and Fighting Police..NO Nothing.

This Coach has the team headed in the right direction and is in the process of restoring integrity to the football program; all you have to do is give him a chance.

That is unless having rapist, drug dealers and thugs on the team are “Ok” as long as you are winning.

OKLAHOMA: Congratulations on a Big win in the Red River Stampede

KENTUCKY: Coach Phillips this isn’t a Joke….

You better get it get it together real quick….
Even though The Kentucky Wildcats are the Men’s Basketball Flagship of the Conference, the Wildcat faithful don’t like getting their respective asses handed to them in such a rude fashion.

NCAA: The latest news….

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — The NCAA says it found no major violations committed by Auburn regarding Cam Newton or other pay-for-play allegations.

The NCAA released a statement Wednesday saying it has closed its 13-month investigation into Auburn’s recruitment of the Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback, whose father shopped his services to another school for nearly $200,000.

The NCAA also cleared Auburn in allegations by four former players that they received payments during their recruitment or careers.

The NCAA says “any allegations of major rules violations must meet a burden of proof, which is a higher standard than rampant public speculation online and in the media.”

It also says the investigation could be reopened if evidence surfaces.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t think this is over, because it isn’t. More next week….

THE GAMES

Thursday October 13th

Texas Southern at Alabama A&M
This game is what college football is all about….
Cats against the Dogs
The Tigers of Southern will come up short in this contest
But their “Ocean of Soul Marching Band” is not to be missed
BAMA DOGS 31-27

Delta State at North Alabama
The Fighting Okra against my beloved Florence Lions
Both of these teams are red hot, but I have to go with the home team
(It’s an Alabama thing….)
MIGHTY LIONS 34-28

San Diego State at Air Force
I don’t know if the Falcons can recover from being carpet bombed by the Fighting Irish…
But I am betting they will…
FALCONS 33-31

Southern California at California
This “big” instate rivalry in California has been “renamed” recently to….
“More accurately reflect California values…”
Thus this rivalry is now named….
“The Illegal Aliens, Gay Lesbian Transgendered Diversity, Mudslides, Wildfires, Outrageous Taxes, Gridlock Traffic Game” or “IAGLTDMWOTGT Game” for short…

Catchy don’t you think?
LAMES TROJANS 17-10

Friday October 14th

Hawaii at San Jose State
I am as excited about this game as you all are….
I promise I am!
Because it reminds us all that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” will return to the A&E Network
This Fall on Wednesday Nights (Check your local listings for times)
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting across RAINBOWS 38-17

Saturday October 15th

Michigan at Michigan State
This instate rivalry is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan Ax Trophy”
No word yet on who get’s “Babe” the Big Blue Ox.
WOLVERINES 38-17

Utah at Pittsburgh
Lately the Two Ute’s are playing like they got liquored up behind the playground.
Not that I am judging
I’m just saying….
TWO UTES 31-28

Salisbury at Alfred
I had no idea that the Salisbury Steak people had their own college.
That’s the kind of news that will give men everywhere hope
SALISBURY STEAK & GRAVY 24-17

Baylor at Texas A&M
This long standing Rivalry in the Lone State State has been played each year since 1899
They call it “The Battle of the Brazos”
It’s coming to an end because of the Aggies love of money
How proud they must be
BEAR DOWN 33-31

Indiana at Wisconsin
This “intense” rivalry in the Big Ten or Twelve is relatively new in comparison to their other conference rivalries. This particular rivalry is played for the…..
“Captain and Tennille Muskrat of Love Trophy”
As a safety tip: Always wash your hands after touching the Muskrat of Love Trophy
BADGERS 43-10

Toledo at Bowling Green
This battle in the Buckeye State is called “The Battle of I-75”
I think the winner gets a chunk of asphalt and a piece of an old guardrail
Which is nice
RICKY ROCKET 28-21

St Francis at Sacred Heart
Here we go again….
These arrogant people think they are the only ones with a “Sacred Heart”
Well I got a “News Flash” for them….
They Aren’t!
St. Francis was a pretty cool cat himself
PIONEERS 28-17

Campbell at Marist
I am not too sure about Gaylord the Camel
(But we all have our suspicions about Gaylord, don’t we?)
But I do know that Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX’S 34-14

Moravian at Susquehanna
You may not believe this…
But Morey isn’t ready for Susie this Saturday….
She has a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants and some Lee Press On Nails and that girl is ready for a tussle, Believe it.
SUSIE Q 28-10

Purdue at Penn State
You guessed it….
Another Big Ten or whatever game means “another” rivalry trophy
This game is played for the coveted “Joe Pa’s Dentures”
Which have bit the Boilermakers in the ass ever since the Lions joined the Big Ten.
Some things never change…
JOE PA’S LIONS 34-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
This Battle on the Ohio River is called “The Battle for the Keg of Nails”
And the winner of the game gets a…..
“Keg of Nails”
I think this game is sponsored by Home Depot
BEARKATS 28-24

South Carolina at Mississippi State
The Roosters and the Bulldogs sounds like a fight in the barnyard..
And that’s exactly what it will be too.
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Miami at North Carolina
These two teams confuse the hell out of me.
One week they look great and the next week…
They couldn’t beat the Breaux Bridge dance Academy
This one is a tossup
TAR HEELS 24-21

Navy at Rutgers
The Last team the Midshipmen went to New Jersey the local fans booed them…
That’s right…
They Booed the Midshipmen from the United States Naval Academy while the country is at war in two countries. I hope the Midshipmen haven’t forgotten it, I damn sure haven’t forgotten.
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Gardner Webb at Presbyterian
I have promised you loyal readers that I would have pictures of the Blue Ho’s Cheerleaders

I can’t tell if those ladies are cold or are they just big Smurf fans?
BLUE HO’S 34-17

UNLV at Wyoming
The Rebel’s haven’t been doing too much running and the Cowboys seem to have lost their horses, so this game is all about, who sucks worse than the other guys.
COWBOY UP! 21-17

Appalachian State at Citadel
The Mountaineers are going to take a rolled up newspaper and spank the Bulldogs.
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

LSU at Tennessee
Last year…
The Volunteers had the Tigers beat in Death Valley until “simple math” raised its ugly head.
This one will be closer than you might think, a lot closer
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-21

Wabash at Oberlin
This game brings up a very interesting question….
I wonder if Oberlin can play the Wabash Cannonball.

I can almost hear Ole Roy Acuff singing now…

“Oh listen to the jingle
The rumble and the roar
As she glides along the woodlands
Through the hills and by the shore
Hear the mighty rush of her engine
Hear that lonesome hobo’s call
We’re travelling through the jungles
On the Wabash Cannonball”

Forgive me I was having a flashback there for a moment…
WABASH CANNONBALL 28-21

Furman at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern continue their dominance for another week…
After a soundly thrashing of Furryman.
I wonder if that’s Chewbacca’s cousin.
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-24

Florida State at Duke
Last week the Mighty Seminoles proved they weren’t so mighty after all…
They get their confidence back this week…
SEMINOLES 44-10

Rice at Marshall
Sorry Hoot Owls….
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Jackson State at Mississippi Valley State
The Delta Devils get Deviled Egged in this one…
WALTER’S TIGERS 38-17

Northern Arizona at Montana State
The Lumberjacks of Arizona get chopped down by the pesky Bobcats
Believe it
BOBCATS 34-28

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate Michigan Rivalry is played each year for the “Michigan MAC Trophy”
Not to be confused for the “Chili Mac and Cheese Trophy”
That thing is delicious
CHIPPEWA’S 28-24

Carleton at St. Olaf
This is a BIG Rivalry game and I’m not joking…
It’s called “The Cereal Bowl” and it’s played for The Goat Trophy and The Cereal Bowl Trophy
(Stop laughing, I’m serious)
ST OLES 31-28

Portland State at Montana
Last year the Vikings upset the Mighty Grizzlies….
Not this year
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Juniata at Ursinus
If you think I am going to make a joke about Juanita having a Urine infection, you are wrong!
It’s a sinus infection
J-LO 24-17

South Florida at Connecticut
The Boy’s from Tampa get back to their winning ways this week
And that’s …
NO BULL 33-17

Colorado at Washington
This game isn’t too difficult to pick…
Since the Buffalo’s haven’t won a road game since William McKinley was President
HUSKIES 28-17

Miami (OH) at Kent State
Another Battle in the Buckeye state and this will be a good one…
It’s played each year for the “Kent State Sucks Trophy”
People up there like to think of it as a “Win-Win” kind of a thing…
REDHAWKS 31-28

Central Florida at Southern Methodist
The Boy’s from O-Town (Not the defunct musically challenged boy band)
Get a rude welcome to Mustang Country
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Ball State at Ohio
The Cats really let me down last week….
It looked like they were rolling to an undefeated season.
They will have to fight the Birds to get back to their winning ways.
It’s going to be close
FRANK’S CATS 28-24

Ohio State at Illinois
This Big Ten or whatever Rivalry is played for the “Illibuck”
To be honest, it kind of looks like a tangerine that has gone bad
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
The Rambling Wreck will continue to Ramble until they meet the Mighty Clemson Tigers
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know picks like this just drive the NCAA Speech Police crazy…
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

UTEP at Tulane
I get emails all the time from the Green Wave faithful asking…
“Are we going to win any games this year?”
And the answer is always the same….
No, no you will not…
MINERS 33-17

Tennessee Martin at South Alabama
I know, I know…
I do love Mobile Alabama, it’s one of my favorite places in the whole world
But the boys from Martin have a gunslinger at Quarterback this year…
Believe it..
SKYHAWKS 43-10

Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
In the immortal words of the great rural philosopher Forrest Gump…
“This game is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get”
Ain’t it the truth
HILLTOPPERS 24-17

Eastern Illinois at Murray State
This game is between the Panthers and the Racers…
I’m a 100 yard dash man…
RACERS 28-24

New Mexico at Nevada
I think the Lobo’s are on the down low for a yo-yo with a Hobo.
I’m not really sure what that means, but that was all I had for this game.
WOLFPACK 38-28

Oklahoma State at Texas
I don’t want to think about it…
COWBOY UP! 38-24

North Texas at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is going to get an unhealthy dose of the….
MEAN GREEN 38-17

Boise State at Colorado State
The Bronco’s won’t get Rammed this week…
Not by a long shot
BRONCO’S 43-10

Carson Newman at North Greenville
Spark’s Boys are back on track after winning last week…
Let’s I hope it continues, I’m counting on it
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-31

Alabama at Ole Miss
Houston you have a problem….
The Big Red Elephants are coming to town…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-14

Virginia Tech at Wake Forest
The Demon Deacons upset the Mighty Seminoles last week….
No such luck this week
HOKEY POKEY 28-17

Georgia at Vanderbilt
Everybody counted the Mighty Bulldogs out except Yours Truly…
There are days my own genius even scares me…
SIC EM DAWGS 31-17

Northwestern at Iowa
It seems like every Tom, Dick and Harry is picking the Wildcats over the Hawkeyes…
Those aren’t my names so I’m under no obligation to follow the crowd on this one
HAWKEYES 28-21

Kansas State at Texas Tech
One question for the Red Raider faithful….
“Do you miss Coach Mike Leach yet?”
If not, you’re about to…
WILDCATS 28-21

Texas A&M Kingsville at Incarnate Word
Well Excuse Me! So you are the ONLY ones that have the Incarnate Word?
I just can’t pick a team that is predicated on such arrogance.
KING TOWN 28-10

Clemson at Maryland
The Mighty Tigers are going to scuff up the Linoleum tile Turtles
And not in a “nice” way….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Florida at Auburn
I didn’t think I would say this two weeks ago….
But this game could go either way.
It’s True
GATOR CHOMP 28-24

East Carolina at Memphis
Say it with me…..
“Elvis has left the building….”
PIRATES 24-17

Occidental at Pomona Pitzer
Do you ever wonder what would happen if you..
“Occidentally took a Pomona Pitzer instead of a laxative?”
Never mind….
POMONA P 21-17

Stanford at Washington State
The Cougars might win this game…..
If the Cardinal plane gets diverted to Detroit
CARDINAL 43-17

UAB at Tulsa
Before any of my friends in Birmingham ask…
“No”, the Blazers will not win another game this year
Sorry….
O’ SO GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Idaho at New Mexico State
The “Ida-Honkies” visits the Land of Lasso Larry and the Aggies…
Sounds like a Party to me…
LASSO LARRY 28-24

Oklahoma at Kansas
This game is going to get uglier than two for one Beer night at the Bowling Alley
BOOMER SOONERS 43-10

Utah State at Fresno State
There are a lot of people that think the Bulldogs have thrown in the towel this year…
I am one of them
AGGIES 31-28

Arizona State at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this marquee matchup in the PAC (Whatever)
But Richard Simmons has a “new” DVD that he is previewing on QVC, it’s called….
“Breaking a Hip to the Oldies”
QUACKERS 7-6

Iowa State at Missouri
This Big 12 (Light) Rivalry game is played for the coveted …
“Telephone Trophy”…..
The funny thing is….
Most of the players on the teams don’t even know what the hell an old “telephone” looks like

MO KNOWS AT&T 24-21

Brigham Young at Oregon State
I know the Cougars have been rolling lately…
But I still believe in the Power of the Almighty Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-24

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Well it looks like you have your mind made up and you want to join the Southeastern Conference…
Just a couple of things before we get married…

I know Collie dogs are real smart I have seen “Lassie” a thousand times..

“Go Get Gramps Lassie, Timmy’s in the well!” And off she would run….

I get it.

But this is the Southeastern Conference….

We have “live” Bulldogs, Tigers, War Eagles, Rooster, Razorback Hogs and Alligators

You need to look into getting a more “manly” mascot.

Maybe a German Shepherd

Second, but yet no less important….

The Southeastern Conference has always had the most beautiful, athletic young women in the world as cheerleaders on the sidelines and we mix some young men in the group to help them flip in the air and what not.

With that being said you Aggies need to “find” some females that want to be cheerleaders and drop the white 1950’s mechanic coverall’s as a cheerleader uniform too, it looks dumb as hell.

No, I’m serious they are really stupid looking.

Lastly what’s with the kids in the stands playing “Dress up like an American Soldier from 1940”

Listen closely….

“IF” you are in ROTC then dress in the….

“Uniform of the Day”

Ever heard of it?

That doesn’t include or anyway mean “Halloween Costume of the Day”

This isn’t “Be All You Can Be I want to play Cowboy today”

Since you are in a rush to get married, these “few” changes will help us get along better.

And before I get any angry emails from irate Texas A&M Aggie fans…

Spouting some dribble that “I attacked your traditions….”

You traded all the “traditional” games with your “traditional” rivals for money.

For the love of the almighty dollar you threw it all away.

So I figured since money was more important to you than “traditional” games I figured you would be “happy” to make a few changes to “fit in” with your soon to be in-laws.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

With the college football season in full swing….
I haven’t taken the time this year to tell all of you who take the time to read this column..
“Thank you”.

This column is a labor of love for a variety of reasons, but least of which is to provide some ill timed humor and the occasional college football insight into your weekly rituals.

I didn’t want any of you to think that I don’t appreciate your emails and comments, because I do.

More than you know.

It isn’t often in this life that you can provide some humor to people that you don’t even know.

I like that.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this unusually successful college football blog.

You are the reason I write it.

It’s been written through war and the occasional peace and through it all….

I wrote for you.

I am proud of that.

And one other thing…

Thank you

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator started out with a Bang and then fizzled out like a wet firecracker going 60 and 14 or 81%.

That leaves the CFB Wizard at 254 and 45 or 85% for the first four weeks of the season.

It’s no time to cry over spilled guacamole dip, we have a lot to discuss…

So let’s get to it

Enjoy your Picks….

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

His name is Gabe Gunter and he attends Pleasant Home High School near Andalusia, Alabama

He is a 6 Ft 5 in. 230 pound Senior with above average speed for a big guy.
Gabe is the quarterback, safety and the punter on the team.
In his first four games at Quarterback he threw for 4 touchdowns and ran for two touchdowns. After several requests the coach let him play safety the last two games and he intercepted 4 passes. His longest punt in the game was for 50 yards.
The team is currently ranked 23d in the state.

Gabe also pitches and plays Right-Field on his High School baseball team.
He pitches in the 88mph to low 90 Mph range and has already has a verbal commitment on a baseball scholarship to Virginia Tech. He has been made the New York Mets High School Scout Team the past 2 years and also been invited to the Los Angeles Dodgers Florida Diamond Club Event the last 2 years. He has also received invitations for private work-outs with the New York Mets, Kansas City Royals, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Atlanta Braves.
He has been ranked in the TOP 500 in the Nation by the World Wood Bat Association (WWBA) for the past 3 years and was at one time ranked #93 in the nation and 24 in the State of Florida.

He is an outstanding student with a 3.3 GPA from and outstanding family.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL OBSERVATIONS

Loyal reader, Oregon State Beaver Alumni and good friend “Beaver Jim” had these observations on his experiences at the recent Oregon State – Wisconsin game as well as his attendance at the University of South Carolina and Naval Academy game.
I greatly enjoy his insight and I think you will too.
Enjoy…………..
I have had the good fortune the last two weeks to spend the last two Saturdays in the temples of college football.

Two weeks ago, I traveled to Camp Randall Stadium for the Beavers against Wisconsin, and last weekend to Williams-Bryce for the Gamecock-Midshipmen game.

I was struck by the severe contrasts between the two experiences, as well as my memories of traveling to Penn State, Cincinnati, Louisville, Oregon, and games in Corvallis, and thought I might share some thoughts. These likely will reinforce your own views on the subject.

The experience in Wisconsin was different to say the least. It is an urban campus with multi-lane streets cutting right through campus. However, there is NO parking around the stadium. Instead, they have a series of shuttle buses that run from the “ramps” (their word for parking structures) around the area. Most people just walk a couple miles. “Tailgating” was not very much in evidence, although being a college town there were a large number of bars and liquor stores in the area.

The game started at 11am central, which makes it hard for the hung-over students to get to the game on time. One section of the north end zone seats (student section) was filled about 20 minutes before the game. This expanded to the lower parts of four sections by kickoff, with all of the seats filled by the 2nd quarter. For 75,000 people, they were not all that loud. The most excitement was from the “jump-around” at the end of the 3rd quarter, when they play a song, the students jump around, then most leave to resume drinking I presume. The stadium had been expanded, but unfortunately that did not include increases in the concessions or restroom facilities. They were supplemented with port-a-potties in the stadium, but even those had huge lines.

Everyone was very polite and one of the highlights was getting to talk to Barry Alvarez the day before the game. He looks just like his statue in front of the stadium, except he doesn’t wear the tennis shoes anymore that are immortalized in bronze on his feet in the statue.

Fast forward to last Saturday at Columbia.
I had heard about SEC tailgating, but I had to see it to believe it.
It was as if the environs of Williams-Bryce became a new city. Tents, food, and big-screen TVs in the backs of vehicles (to watch the other games), were all over the place.
While Wisconsin fans were all dressed in red (by directive from the coach), it still did not compare to the vast array of garnet in Columbia. Most of the college girls were wearing black skirts with garnet tops and team jerseys were everywhere. The atmosphere was electric at the game and really does not compare to other places I have watched games (except maybe a few times in Corvallis). The band, the crowd, the fireworks and the noise were spectacular. Oregon State only can seat 45,000, but it gets really loud due to the cover over the grandstands. The cover reflects sound back onto the field and it is deafening. I did not think that level of sound was possible in an open stadium, but the fans in the fourth quarter were up to the challenge and affected even the middies on the field.

My conclusion is that while there are scores of fans up north and out west that love football, but there is nowhere near the number as there are in the SEC on any given Saturday.

Jim

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello again from the Heart of SEC Country!!!
It’s been a rough stretch for our hometown heroes, the Telfair County Trojans.
After a tough game against Turner County our team took on the Wilcox County Patriots. Although the score doesn’t indicate the fight these boys have in them.
We actually put up a touchdown this week before going down to defeat 56 – 6.
We may not be a power house team like Valdosta, Lowndes, or Parkview, but these kids have fight in them and a never say die attitude. McRae, Workmore, Helena, and all of Telfair County are PROUD OF THE TROJANS!!!

Around the SEC. The Georgia Bulldogs took on the Ole Miss Rebels and won on Saturday to bump their record up to 2-2 at the first furlong. The Clark County Cow College piled up the yards, but never really put the game away against this clearly inferior opponent. And Blair Walsh shanked 3 field goal attempts to “boot”. Mississippi was coming off of a sound thrashing at the hands of Vandy, so, the way they hung around in this game should give some folks up in Athens pause for reflection.

Across the border in Tuscaloosa, The Crimson Tide put a sound, country whipping on the Hogs from Fayetteville. The Boys from Bama were held scoreless in the 4th quarter, but by that time the second and third teamers were getting some playing time.

Up in Lexington, the Gainesville Swamp Boys skinned the Kentucky Cats for their 4th win of the season. Mark 8 o’clock Saturday night on your calendars ladies and gents because a week 5 showdown is looming large. What I would give to be in Gainesville for this East meets West showdown of Bama vs Florida in a no holds barred cage match.
And lastly, the Columbia War Chickens almost laid an egg against a tough Vandy team. Questions abound after watching this one. Is Vandy that good or is Garcia that bad?
Is Spurrier losing his touch? The Ingram, Lattimore, Clowney show again pulled the Columbians out of the fire but when will the luck run out?
Stay Tuned for further information as it develops.

Elsewhere, the Slide Rule Jocks from the North side of Atlanta stung the Tar Heels from Chapel Hill in an ACC matchup. I watched part of that game but am not entirely convinced that the Jackets are the power that their record and stats say they are. Apparently, the pollsters don’t think so either. Tech finally got some love the pollsters last week to pop in at number 25. They only moved up 4 notches this week, to number 21. I’d say these pollsters are saying, show me the money, and show it to me for a while. Their first real test comes against Clemson on October 29th. Let’s see what happens then.

The Golden Domer’s traveled to Pitt to take on a Panthers team that again seems to be both de-clawed and neutered. It’s always tough to win on the road, but, come on. Pitt? I’m sure they’re excited up in South Bend just to be .500. I’m surprised that the pollsters haven’t taken notice and bumped them into the polls.

The Silver Nuts took on the Bison of Colorado and got back to their winning ways. Yep, 2 wins over 2 FBS schools and another against a PAC-12 also ran. I know their hearts are swelling with pride in Columbus.

And, what happened to Lame Kitten’s Roman Empire? The Trojans traveled to Arizona to take on the Sun Devils and were fried like an egg on hot asphalt. Rome fell.
Looks like Lame may not be far behind.

And finally, this……
I’m calling it the Peach State Prognostication.
I’m going to make a weekly prediction on the game at the end of the season which is called fondly, “Good Old Fashioned Hate.” But the twist is that the weekly prediction will be based on what’s happened up to this point, weekly, in the season. So, here goes.

I’m calling it 31-28 Georgia Tech. This is based on the fact that, although Tech hasn’t really had any hard tests to this point, they are, in fact rolling. The Dogs have had a couple of bumps in the road earlier in the season against stiff competition, but, to date, still haven’t gotten their sea legs. Not only are the bees running the ball well, but they’re passing it too, which makes them very dangerous. As I’ve said before, no matter what kind of season the Hounds have, they always seem to find a way to wreck the Wreck but it feels a little different this year. Both teams need to step it up on defense or it could turn into an all out slug fest.

Let’s see what happens the rest of the season.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

CORRECTION: When I am wrong I admit it.
Last week I wrote concerning the Southern California – Arizona State game;
“The Sun Devils are the favored team in this game and I was perplexed as to which team to pick.
So I asked my Black Lab “Doc” who he thought would win.
He looked at the computer screen for about a minute and then licked his butt….
That’s good enough for me
LAME KITTEN’S TROJANS 24-21”

I confronted my Black Lab “Doc” after reviewing the scores on Sunday morning and asked him how he could have misled me on this game.
Doc proceeded to inform me that when he licked his butt he was letting me know that he didn’t care for either team.

All the “signs” were there, I just wasn’t paying attention.

My apologies on the pick and for doubting my loyal companion “Doc”

AUBURN: Like a lot of athletics directors, Auburn’s Jay Jacobs likes to stay in touch with his fan base through periodic newsletters in which he touches on a variety of topics.

Jacobs’ latest communication last Wednesday included one of his favorite talking points: Blaming former coach Tommy Tuberville for the youth and inexperience on this year’s football team.
Jacobs didn’t name Tuberville. He never does, but he doesn’t have to when he makes the following statements:

“Our youth and inexperience is not an excuse. It is a fact. Consider the following: Auburn signed a total of 58 players in the 2007 and 2008 recruiting classes (the classes that are this year’s fourth- and fifth-year seniors). Only nine players from those two classes remain. Roughly half of the players who signed in 2007 and 2008 either never enrolled at Auburn, quit or transferred.”

EDITORS NOTE: I have a couple of thoughts on this….
When did Coach Tommy Tub coach at Auburn, like three years ago?
You know, I couldn’t help but notice that Jay Jacobs didn’t give Coach Tub any credit when they won the 2010 National Championship.
But I bet when the War Eagles have to give back that National Championship and Heisman Trophy it will Tommy Tubs fault.

CARSON NEWMAN: Damn it Eagles, you lost to “New” Berry.
How could you possibly lose to people that don’t have an Ernest T. Bass in town.

MARYLAND: I don’t know which is worse….
Your 1970’s linoleum kitchen floor motif helmets and mismatched uniforms or the fact you LOST to Temple.

JUNIATA: Juanita, I am sorry Franklin Marshall roughed you up last week, that man is a cad.

ARMY: Just for the record, you aren’t helping my weekly average out a damn bit.

SOUTHERN MISS: Great win over the Virginia Cavaliers last week and….
I told you so.

OREGON STATE: Damn it Beavers….Damn it.

NEW MEXICO STATE: Let me be sure I have this right Lasso Larry…
You beat the Minnesota Gophers and then you lose to San Jose…
You are schizophrenic aren’t you Larry?

SAM HOUSTON STATE: I knew Sam Houston would win the game last week when I saw his opponent was “New Mexico”, and in case you didn’t know…
Sam Houston is still undefeated against the Mexicans.

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL: I told you Panthers to play the “Hilton” not “Howard Johnson”
That’s why you lost….

MINNESOTA: You Gophers are looking a little less Golden lately….
I’m just saying….

INDIANA: The Big Ten Loosiers lost to the Mean Green of Denton Texas….
Just like I said they would, no need to thank me

CLEMSON: I want to apologize to my adopted Clemson Tiger Family and to the Mighty Tiger Nation.
I recorded the score backwards last week meaning to pick the Tigers over the Seminoles, but I was having a dyslexic moment.

MIAMI: So Hurricanes….
You beat the pants off the Buckeyes one week and lose to the Cats of Kansas State the next?
You are as schizophrenic as Lasso Larry aren’t you?
Have you two been hanging out together or what?

DUMB and DUMBER
Your “Dumb and Dumber” Moment this week…..
Comes from none other than CBS College Football “commentators” Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson in the following exchange during the Arkansas – Alabama game.

Gary Danielson: “Alabama has won its SEC opener for the 20th consecutive season
Vern Lundquist: “That’s a pretty good mark”

EDITORS NOTE: No Kidding Dumbass….

THE GAMES

Thursday September 29th

Texas Southern at Jackson State
The game features Tigers and more Tigers….
The Great Walter Payton went to Jackson State and that’s good enough for me
WALTER’S TIGERS 28-17

Houston at UTEP
The Miners might win this game…..
And I might discover “Victoria’s Secret”
Neither of which are very likely
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-17

South Florida at Pittsburgh
The Panthers of Pitt are playing some really good football..
That is if they were a Pee-Wee Team and they were all eight years old
And that’s…
NO BULL 33-10

Friday September 30th

Utah State at Brigham Young
Another Rivalry game in the Land of Donny and Marie
This one is called “The Battle of the Brothers”
At the moment I am feeling less country and a little more Rock and Roll
COUGARS 28-21

Saturday October 1st

Northwestern at Illinois
You guessed it….
Another Big Ten Rivalry Game!
And it is played for the coveted “Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
As opposed to the “Diet Sioux Tomahawk” or the “Bittersweet Sioux Tomahawk”
(I can do this all day)
WILDCATS 28-24

Toledo at Temple
The Hoot Owls beat Maryland last week and the Rockets got treated like Jodie Foster in “The Accused” on their visit to Syracuse. This is going to be a fight
HOOTERS 31-28

MIT at UMass Dartmouth
I didn’t know the Mississippi Institute of Technology had a football team!
I thought they just taught people how to retread tires and how to pump a septic tank.
Who knew?
DART DOWN 24-17

Minnesota at Michigan
Yippee! Another Big Ten Rivalry game!
This game has been played every year since 1903…
It’s played for “The Little Brown Jug”
Whatever is in that jug has to be pretty stout by now
WOLVERINES 43-17

Texas Tech at Kansas
The Red Raiders invades Kansas…
I have no idea why they want to pick on a 70’s musical group
But “Carry on my wayward son” I think they will be “Dust in the Wind”
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-17

Penn State at Indiana
You have to love the Big Ten Rivalry games…
This game is played for “Joe Pa’s Dentures”
Which will stay in Joe Pa’s mouth until the Loosiers decide they don’t want to play football anymore
JOE’S LIONS 38-10

Rutgers at Syracuse
I ‘m serious….
I really don’t care about this game
I really don’t
OTTO THE ORANGE 33-24

North Alabama at Southern Arkansas
The Blazers get torched by the Lions
Believe it
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Tulane at Army
Damn it Army I am picking you for the last damn time…
Don’t disappoint me or I make you fall under the Department of the Navy…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Mississippi State at Georgia
Cats and Dogs….
That’s the Southeastern Conference
SIC EM DAWGS 28-24

Air Force at Navy
This is a Big game that decides the “Commander Chief’s Trophy”
Now….
If we only had a Commander in Chief to go with the Trophy
MIDSHIPMEN 33-28

Kentucky at LSU
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton and Rosie O’Donnell in a game of Twister
(Please Notice I didn’t say “Nude” Twister)
That visual would have had me throwing up for weeks
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10

Wake Forest at Boston College
This Atlantic Coast Conference Game is played each year for the…
“Nobody Cares Trophy”
Because they don’t
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-17

Buffalo at Tennessee
If you are wondering why the Volunteers are playing Buffalo…
It’s because they couldn’t schedule the East Bernard Dance Academy
VOWELS 143-0

Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
This instate rivalry game in the Buckeye State is played of for the…
“We wish we were The Ohio State Buckeyes” Trophy
I think the trophy looks like Woody Hayes, which is cool
KATS of BEARS 33-17

Georgia Southern at Elon
The Phoenix are shakier than Janet Reno….
Who by the way can really shake a martini if you are ever at a party..
I’m just saying…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 43-10

John Hopkins at Juniata
I used to know a Johnny Hopkins!
He used to smoke pot behind the gym and he never went to class…
But he did know all the words to “Smoke on the Water”
I wonder if it’s the same guy?
J-LO 24-23

Kent State at Ohio
This “other” rivalry game in the Buckeye state is played for the coveted…
“It Sucks to be You” Trophy
The trophy looks like a pair of wax lips attached to an avocado…
Which I find unusually creepy
FRANK’S CATS 33-28

Nevada at Boise State
If you like high powered offenses then this is your game…
BRONCO’S 98-96

North Dakota at Southern Utah
Two words for the politically correct speech police at the NCAA…..
FIGHTING SIOUX! 38-17

Appalachian State at Wofford
Chewbacca get’s skinned by the Mountaineers
(Film at 11)
MOUNTAINEERS 31-17

Northern Colorado at Montana
The Grizzlies get back to their winning ways this week….
Believe it
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-28

Marshall at Louisville
The Cardinals are too Strong for the Thundering Herd
CARDINALS 28-14

Arizona at Southern California
This old PAC 10 rivalry is played each year for the…..
“Chimichanga Hat”
Which looks like a hat with a turd on it if you ask me…..
Forget I mentioned it
LAME TROJANS 24-17

Bowling Green at West Virginia
The folks in Morgantown have had lighter fluid and couches standing by since last week…
Fire it up…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Ursinus at Moravian
If you ask me….
This game sounds like a moron has a urine infection…
MORON’S 21-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Christian
This game is a bitter (Bitter) rivalry in the greater Fort Worth Texas Metro Area
It’s been played every year since 1925 and it’s played for the “Iron Skillet”
This game is the “Battle for the Iron Skillet”
It’s a war….
HORNED FROGS 34-28

Idaho at Virginia
I don’t think the “Ida Honkies” travel with the Idaho football team..
Which is sad, if you think about it
CAVALIERS 33-17

Georgia Tech at North Carolina State
The Rambling Wreck keeps on rambling for another week….
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10

Towson at Maryland
The colored blind nightmare that is the Turtles of Maryland get back to their winning ways..
By beating the daylights out of an Academy of Music Theory and Interpretive Dance
Rock On…
MULTI-COLORED TURTLES 55-0

Southern Connecticut at Assumption
Assumption? What am I suppose to “assume” here?
I am going to “assume” they don’t know squat about football…
SOUTH CONNIE 33-17

Northern Illinois at Central Michigan
You may not believe it….
But this game is going to be a shoot-out….
HUSKIES 43-38

Michigan State at Ohio State
This game is going to separate the men from the boys in the Big Ten or Twelve (Whatever)
BUCKEYES 24-21

Baylor at Kansas State
I know….
The Wildcats beat the Hurricanes of Miami last week….
But this team is from Texas…
DA BEARS 34-17

Washington State at Colorado
If you are up this late watching this game between two teams that couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag, then I have but one thing to say…..
You didn’t drink enough during the Alabama – Florida game that was broadcast earlier
BUFFALOS 5-4

Western Michigan at Connecticut
You may not believe this….
But I really don’t care
HUSKIES 28-24

Bethune-Cookman at Miami
Seriously? The “mighty” Ineligible Hurricanes scheduled this team?
What, the Miami School for the Blind wasn’t available?
CANES 146-0

Sacramento State at Montana State
I know my University of Montana Grizzle fans won’t like this pick…
Sorry….
BOBCATS 33-28

San Jose State at Colorado State
I was trying to remember why this game was important….
O’ Yeah, it isn’t….
Never mind
RAMS 28-24

Susquehanna at Muhlenberg
I have to talk to my staff at the CFB Wizard…..
They send me “Susie and the Mule Boy” to pick for a game…
Are you kidding me?
But you have to admit, it does sounds like a nasty carnival sideshow…
(Sorry for the visual, this is a family column)
MULE BOY 21-17

Clemson at Virginia Tech
The Tigers are hotter than a stolen Cadillac…
Which by the way I did time once for in my youth, aren’t you glad I’m reformed?
DABO’S TIGERS 34-24

Texas at Iowa State
It’s time for my Beloved Longhorns to start the stampede.
The Sooners are next week…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-17

Hawaii at Louisiana Tech
This game may very well answer the eternal question that has eluded researchers for years..
Why did the Rainbow Warrior Cross the road?
To watch Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E on Wednesday nights in the Fall
That’s good enough for me
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 43-34

Duke at Florida International
I wouldn’t call this an upset special….
Unless you prefer the Holiday Inn Express
HILTON PANTHERS 34-28

Memphis at Middle Tennessee State
The Boys from the Land of Elvis are “All Shook Up”
BLUE RAIDERS 33-17

UAB at Troy
This fierce instate battle in the Great State of Alabama isn’t played for any trophy’s or petrified rhino turds….
This game is way more important than that; it’s bragging rights.
And before you ask…..
“Yes” we are that damn serious about our football…..
HELEN of TROY 31-24

North Texas at Tulsa
It’s Texas and Oklahoma on a smaller scale….
But the Hate is just as Hot….
MEAN GREEN 33-31

Jacksonville State at Murray State
I was going to go with the mighty Pacers in this game….
But something tells me the boys from J-Ville Alabama are ready….
GAMECOCKS 38-34

Ball State at Oklahoma
I like to refer to this game as….
An Oklahoma Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions…
BOOMER SOONERS 155-3

Carson Newman at Wingate
I knew a rich kid in elementary school named “Wingate”……
I stole his bicycle….
SPARK’S EAGLES 43-21

Washington at Utah
This game makes me wonder…..
I wonder if the Two Utes shop in the Husky Men’s section of K-Mart.
I’m just asking…
TWO UTES 33-28

Rice at Southern Miss
I picked the Mighty Golden Eagles last week in an Upset Special…
This won’t be an Upset, but it’s just as Special
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Nebraska at Wisconsin
Believe it or not…
This is the first of two games between these teams; they will see each other again in the conference championship game
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24

North Carolina at East Carolina
There are far too many directions on the map in this game to suit me…
TAR HEELS 28-24

New Mexico State at New Mexico
This instate rivalry in the Land of Sand is called…
“The Rio Grande Rivalry”
It’s played for “The Maloof Trophy”
(Yes, I’m serious)
If you ask me it looks like a possum on a stick…
LASSO LARRY 34-31

LaGrange at Rhodes
LaGrange……
In the Words of ZZ Top…
HAWWWW..HAWWWWWW….HAWWWW…
THE CHICKEN RANCH 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: If you are keeping count…
“Yes” that is my second ZZ Top reference in as many weeks….

Notre Dame at Purdue
This rivalry in the state of Indiana is played for the…..
“Shillelagh Trophy”

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad….
I thought it looked rather disgusting too
FIGHTING IRISH 34-17

Ole Miss at Fresno State
I won’t call this an upset special….
The Ole Miss faithful are upset enough
BULLDOGS 33-17

Oregon State at Arizona State
I haven’t been this disappointed in Beaver’s since High School….
And “No” I don’t want to talk about it
DEVILS of the SUN 38-17

Valdosta State at Arkansas – Monticello
I have picked enough cotton in my day to hate Boll Weevil’s….
Enough Said…
BLAZERS 43-24

UCLA at Stanford
If you think I care about this game, then you don’t know me very well
CARDINAL 6-3

Alabama at Florida
This game in the Swamp is going to be a Slobber Knocker
Believe it
CRIMSON TIDE 23-17

Arkansas at Texas A&M
This Old Southwest Conference Rivalry…
(Remember them?)
Is called the Southwest Classic…
This is college football at its finest and it’s a shoot out
HAWGS 33-28

Auburn at South Carolina
I don’t know which drunken bird is going to hit the Plexiglas in Williams Brice Stadium first…
My Guess?
GAMECOCKS 38-21

Enjoy your games….

POST GAME COMMENTARY

You may not think this commentary has anything to do with enjoying our College Football Saturday’s, but it has everything to do with it.

Thursday is Saint Michael’s Day (No, that day is NOT named after me)

In 2006 a heck of a fight was going on in Iraq for the control of Al Anbar province.

That was only five years ago.

There were a lot of casualties during that fight; this video is about one of them.

Mikey was a damn good man, and I don’t want anybody to forget him.

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This past week for me can best be summed up by those immortal words from…
“That Little Ol’ Band From Texas” ZZ Top when they said….

“Yes I’m bad, I’m nationwide….”

Your Favorite College Prognosticator was both “Bad” and “Nationwide” last week

But perhaps not for the reasons you might think…

I missed my “Upset Special” picking Marshall over Ohio
Which I “only” missed by 37 points, a new personal record for me by the way, and of course I missed a number of other important games last Saturday.

Then I hit yet another milestone….
It has been reported to me by the Staff at the CFB Wizard that I have now “officially” received hate mail from all 50 states as well as the territories of Guam and Puerto Rico…

In honor of this prestigious event I will share a few of my favorite hateful emails with you throughout the season; it will surely put a smile on your face.

In case you are interested I finished Week 3 at 52 and 11 or a rather disappointing 83% and for the season The CFB Wizard is 194 and 31 or 86%.

But enough about me, let’s get to this week’s picks

Enjoy….

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello again from the heart of SEC country!
Last week I happily reported that our hometown Telfair County Trojans came away with a victory. Unfortunately that didn’t carry over to this week as our heroes went down to defeat at the hands of Turner County 52-0. We put up a valiant effort but to no avail. Last week’s regional victory was our first in since the 2007 season, but this spirited group of young men will compete and continue to improve. Go Trojans.

In college football, our Georgia Bulldogs took on the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers up in Athens and came away a victor. During a press conference last week, Head Coach David Bennett professed that his team needed to play like a bunch of dogs rather than a bunch of prissy cats. Well, this game was anything BUT a dog fight as Mark Richt’s Bulldogs notched their first win of the season with a 59 – 0 beat down.
Meanwhile, up in Atlanta, the Georgia Institute of Technology notched another ‘W’ in their belt as they trounced Kansas 66 – 24 to avenge an embarrassing loss to the Jayhawks last year.

Hmmmm, Georgia 1-2 and Tech 3-0.
The Trade School needn’t get too excited and go buzzing about this quite yet.
It’s still awfully early in the season, and it seems that no matter how bad the Dawgs do, they always seem to have a little something for the Urban Bees come November.

Over in South Click, the Gamecocks rode Marcus Lattimore to a close victory over the Middies from Navy. This was such a close shave that Stephen Garcia won’t have to break out a Gillette for a couple of weeks. At 3 – 0 the Gamecocks should move up another notch in the standings but can they run the table? Trouble with Navy and a pesky group of Commodores on the horizon may prove to be their undoing. Clemson is proving that they may be the real deal with a convincing win over Auburn. The way the War Chickens were manhandled at Memorial Stadium you would have thought they were the ones that slammed into the Plexiglas last week instead of their wayward mascot.

I would be totally remiss if I didn’t say something about THE Ohio State Buckeyes.
After finishing their tour of cupcakes in Ohio, they finally came upon a little competition. Of course the aptly title Ineligible-Bowl proved to the Brown Nuts that they weren’t the 16th ranked powerhouse they and the national media thought they were.
It wasn’t even close.
The Coral Gable Con Crew quickly put Fickell in a pickle with a convincing 24 – 6 trouncing that netted the Big Bucks a whopping 35 yards through the air to complete the embarrassment.

Those Devils from Duke eked out a 1 point win over Boston College. BC had a chance to win it in the final minute but, alas, on the 25 yard field goal try the left goal post rejected the attempt like a Manute Bol reject of a Spud Webb jump shot.
Free Shoes U was again turned back by the Sooners. Guess Jimbo needs to keep recruiting and working his boys if he is ever going to get back to the upper echelons of the College Football world.
And lastly, Florida once again demonstrated their mastery over the Tenner-seeans courtesy of a big dose of Chris Rainey. Apparently the Volunteers are in a rebuilding phase of their program for ANOTHER year.
Derrick Dooley may need to go talk to his daddy to find out some of his secrets for turning a program around.

That’s it for this week folks!!! Make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
Remember, these are your future collegians of tomorrow!!

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE BEST OF THE CFB WIZARD HATEFUL EMAILS

The Below Emails were sent October of 2008

Q: You are inorant as hell!
You writte like you know what you are talking about except your inorant!
For your inforinmation Coach Phil Fulmer is the Greateset damn football coach to have ever (misspelled expletive) walkied the damn sidelines! His records speak for themselfes and you (misspelled expletive) Alabama and (misspelled expletive) Gatar people is just jealous cause he is so good and it don’t matter if none of our players is from Tennesse or not, everybody want to come to be a Vol cause we is winners! Think on that you inorant (misspelled expletive)

Sam – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Dear Sam, the next time you decide to send an angry email I have two words for you.
“Spell Check”

Q: Dear Sir

Your continued diatribe concerning the “ongoing” NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans is nothing short of rebel rousing, which I have come to expect from redneck southerners such as yourself.
However wouldn’t you think if there was anything to the “so called” allegations that the NCAA would have acted upon them? Or is that concept to difficult for you to grasp?

I have covered the University of Southern California Trojans throughout the Pete Carroll era and I can assure you, Coach Pete Carroll runs the cleanest program in College Football and the oversight provided by Athletic Director Mike Garrett is without equal.

Perhaps you continue to spout these lies about Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California because the good ole southern teams can’t hang with the Trojans.

Whatever the delusional reasoning you subscribe to, please get your facts straight before you continue to attack such noteworthy programs such as the University of Southern California.

Sincerely –
The Sports Editor
The Orange County Register

A: How do you like me now?

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN: Great idea having the two dumbest announcers on ESPN together for one game!

Jesse Palmer and Craig “My son is a wussy” James together!

The only thing better than listening to them consistently mispronounce player’s names while they make lame observations and stupid jokes for the entire game….
Would have them doing a commercial together for “Hooked on Phonics”

DUKE: I guess hell has frozen over….
The Blue Devils won a football game

But I have to add….
Watching those two Duke students trying to tear down the goal post last Saturday was just sad.

TEXAS A&M: I really think we should hold hands for a while before we get married…

ARMY: Here we go again…..

I pick you to win and you lose…
I pick you to lose and you win…
If this is some Army psychological warfare stunt you are pulling to confuse me…

Its working

OHIO STATE: What the Hell Buckeyes, What the Hell….

NORTH ALABAMA: Great win last Saturday in Cowboys Stadium Lions…
The Florence Lions are for Real this year, Believe it

CLEMSON: I told you so Tiger Fans, Congratulations…

MARSHALL: The “Thundering Herd” is playing more like the “Thundering Turds”

TEXAS: I am so proud of the Mighty Longhorns….

And despite what the stupid referee’s and the weak knee commentators said last week

Mr. Goodwin that was one hell of a hit you put on the California Kid…

Click here to view the embedded video.

WESTERN KENTUCKY: You let a bunch of “Fighting Trees” whip your ass Saturday..
I don’t have anything else to say about that…

COLORADO: Congratulations on beating Colorado State last week….

But shouting “We are Number One!” at the end of the game after you have only won “one” game…
Kind of makes you look silly.
I’m just saying

SOUTH CAROLINA: You all got a little Cocky last week didn’t you?

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

It’s been a while since I talked to you folks….
So I want you have a seat while I drop some knowledge on yo ass.
Last week I was down here at my home in Opp Alabama fishing at my favorite stream listening to all them sports commentators on the radio talking about this realignment and that realignment on some “Super Conferences”.
Let me tell you what I think about all that mess and listen good…

I have lived long enough to learn that if something ain’t broke don’t be trying to fix it.
What do I mean?

There was a time that people of my color produced the best music in the world.
The Temptations
The O’Jays
Motown Records
Sam Cooke
Marvin Gaye

To name but a few…

That was some music there; Lord Yes that was some kind of music and it still is…

Now days they make something that sounds like a cat and a possum fighting in a metal garbage can and they call that music. That ain’t damn music, that ain’t nothing but a lot of damn noise.

What does that have to do with all this talk about “super conferences”, everything…

Because they is all trying to change something for the worse and all it’s going to make is a bunch of noise

You have these universities and colleges running around like elementary school kids playing musical chairs trying to find some kind of better deal and for what?

Because they is a chasing the almighty dollar, that’s why.

They don’t give a hoot about traditional games, rivalries or the alumni and fans.

But they forgot one thing…

Chasing after money won’t never make you happy, or make you a winner.

There wasn’t nothing wrong with the Big 8 and the Southwest Conference either and they broke that up and ran for something better and what did that get them?

So here we are…

Colorado left the Big 12 for the Pacific something or another, only to get their ass kicked by Hawaii. What do they think they is going to do, actually win that Pacific conference title?

I will see my Rottweiler “Daisy” sprout wings and fly before that happens.

Then I heard Pittsburgh, Syracuse and Connecticut is a going to join the Atlantic Coast Conference.
Why, for the money?

You all ain’t a going to win nothing unless Virginia Tech, Georgia Tech, Miami, Florida State, North Carolina and Clemson suddenly decide they don’t want to play football anymore, which ain’t likely to happen.

Then you got them Aggies from Texas A&M that don’t care if they ever play them Texas Longhorns anymore, fans and alumni be damned.

And now Nebraska ain’t never going to play Oklahoma no more.
What does that say about all them folks?

I tell you what it says…

Money is more important than tradition, integrity of the game and the fans of them schools.

And that folks is a crying shame.

THE GAMES

Thursday September 22nd

Murray State at Tennessee Martin
These two teams are right down the road from each other and like a lot of neighbors
They don’t get a long…
RACERS 24-21

Wisconsin Oshkosh at Wisconsin Stout
Oshkosh By Gosh I don’t know how stout the one team is from the Land of Cheese but I’m going with….
WISCONSIN BY GOSH 21-17

Ouachita Baptist at Texas A&M Commerce
Interesting Factoid in this game….
A&M doesn’t want to recognize the Big 12 Conference anymore…
And Baptist don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or in the Liquor Store
BAPTIST REVIVAL 31-24

North Carolina State at Cincinnati
The Pack of Wolves invades Chili Town…
Gold Star or Skyline, it doesn’t matter; I’m a chili man..
CHILI KATS 28-24

Friday September 23rd

Central Florida at Brigham Young
The Boys from O-Town (Not the defunct Boy Band) come to the Land of Donny and Marie
I am feeling less country and a little more Rock and Roll today…
COUGARS 28-24

Saturday September 24th

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
Its Rivalry Season in the North!
And you know what that means, another trophy for the winner of this northern matchup.
This Game is played for the Bejeweled Giraffe Turd….
Or at least that’s what it looks like to me.
FIGHTING IRISH 33-17

Central Michigan at Michigan State
The defending Big Ten or Twelve Champions let me down last week.
The mighty Spartans will bounce back at the expense of the Chippewa’s.
Believe it
MEN OF SPARTA 33-28

Toledo at Syracuse
I would watch this game but…
“Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” will be on TBS at the same time.
It’s time to start Popping and Locking…
ORANGE 34-21

San Diego State at Michigan
The Ancient Aztecs will keep this game closer than you might think…
A Lot closer
WOLVERINES 33-31

Louisiana Monroe at Iowa
I won’t use any clever clichés to describe this game, I will keep it simple.
Monroe is going to get his ass kicked between his shoulder blades.
HAWKEYES 38-13

Newberry at Carson Newman
I prefer Mayberry over “new” Berry
For one simple reason..
I bet they don’t have an Ernest T. Bass in “new” Berry
Enough Said
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Eastern Michigan at Penn State
Joe Pa has got a “mean on” and you know what that means…
(No not that and you should be ashamed for thinking that’s what I meant)
It means….
Somebody is going to get a geriatric ass kicking
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-17

Southern Methodist at Memphis
My Proud Ponies invades the Land of Elvis and takes the Tigers to Heartbreak Hotel
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

Georgia at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt….
This week I don’t
SIC EM DAWGS 28-17

Temple at Maryland
I would watch this gridiron matchup, really I would…
But there is a VH1 “Behind the Music” Special on Flock of Seagulls
Those guys had funny hair
FIGHTING (UGLY UNIFORMED) TURTLES 38-21

Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
This rivalry in the Buckeye State is played annually for the coveted…
“Petrified Otter Pelt of Love”
Maybe it’s just me…
But I wouldn’t want to touch that damn thing
FALCONS 33-31

Presbyterian at Furman
The Blue Ho’s take on Chewbacca University in this match-up
(I’m sorry that sounded nasty)
FURRYMAN 28-24

Duquesne at Marist
If you say these two schools out loud in quick succession, you will spit on yourself
Not that it matters
That Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 24-21

Massachusetts at Boston College
I was going to watch this game but I plan on going to Funky Town
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-17

Portland State at Texas Christian
Welcome to Texas!
Now please step over there and get your Horned Frog ass whipping
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Defiance at Franklin
Why is this college so “defiant”?
Sounds like they have an anger management problem
FRANK’S FRANKS 24-17

Juniata at Franklin Marshall
O’ So NOW Franklin decides to use his last name!
Who does he think he is anyway?
And why does he have two colleges?
I hope Juanita kicks his smart ass…
J-LO 24-21

Army at Ball State
O.K. Army….
Here we go again…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Ohio at Rutgers
I have gone against the Bobcats two of the last three weeks and lost each time…
I won’t make the same mistake this week
FRANK’S BOBCATS 33-31

Youngstown State at Indiana State
This game features Penguins and Fighting Trees…
Sounds like the Canadian version of the “Wizard of Oz”
FIGHTING TREES 33-17

Tennessee State at Air Force
Big John’s Tigers are going to be bombed in Colorado Springs
This game is going to be uglier than Wynona Judd in a polyester pant suit
MIGHTY FALCONS 43-10

Southern Miss at Virginia
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
That’s right, I said it
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Chattanooga at Appalachian State
The Mighty Moc’s are a decent football team, but the Mountaineers are just a little bit better
This one could go either way…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Gustavus Adolphus at St Olaf
The most notable thing about this game, other than these are two northern colleges, is the nonsensical “fight” song of St. Olaf entitled “Um Ya Ya”

“Um Ya Ya”
We come from St. Olaf, we sure are the real stuff.
Our team is the cream of the colleges great.
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious.
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.

Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya Ya

Don’t feel bad, I didn’t get it either….
FIGHTING OLE’S 21-17

Arkansas at Alabama
This game is going to be a slugfest between two outstanding teams.
Don’t leave your seat; this may come down to the last play of the game.
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Western Michigan at Illinois
If the Pumpkins look past these Broncos they will get kicked in the teeth
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 33-28

UAB at East Carolina
It has been reported that the “Blazers” in an effort to secure sponsorship have agreed to a limited partnership with “The Men’s Warehouse”, which seems like a natural match.
Not that it’s all that important here…
PIRATES 34-10

Catawba at Tusculum
If you say both of these schools names quickly you will cough up something unpleasant.
I’m just saying…
HOCK A LOOGIE 23-17

South Dakota at Wisconsin
This game is going to be uglier than Wynonna Judd in string bikini
BEHOLD THE POWER OF PASTEURIZED CHEESE WHIZ 49-0

EDITORS NOTE: If it makes you feel any better that visual made me throw up too.

Tulane at Duke
I wish I cared I really do…
But these two schools combined couldn’t beat Hoover High School in Hoover Alabama
And that’s a fact
DEVILS are BLUE 23-17

Virginia Tech at Marshall
The Mighty Turkeys of Tech are going to tame the “not so Thundering” Herd
Believe it
HOKEY POKEY 38-10

Colorado at Ohio State
I never thought I would be saying this about the Buckeyes.
This is a MUST win for them, or this season is a wash
BUCKEYES 24-17

California at Washington
In an effort to motivate the California Bears Football team the coaches have instituted a “new” pregame tradition by having the players smell each other’s hands, which I think is beyond weird.
BIG DOGS 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
The Bruins are Brewed out and that’s a fact
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17

Harding at North Alabama
The Florence Lions are Roaring and Harding still lives in his Mother’s basement
Enough Said..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-17

New Mexico State at San Jose State
If Lasso Larry lassos Jose is that considered to be a hate crime?
I’m just asking…
LASSO LARRY 31-21

Fresno State at Idaho
There is nothing like the Idaho half time show….
Who doesn’t want to see the “Ida Honkies” perform?
My point exactly…
BULLDOGS 24-17

Sam Houston State at New Mexico
Sam Houston is the Hero of San Jacinto and he was an underdog in that one too.
BIG SAM 28-24

Louisiana Lafayette at Florida International
U La La is going to be introduced to the “real” Hilton…
That kid is the real deal…
PANTHERS 31-17

Western Carolina at Georgia Southern
I still think “catamounts” sounds like something nasty is going on at the Taxidermist
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Connecticut at Buffalo
I know exactly what you are thinking about this game…
And I agree completely.
I don’t care either
HUSKIE’S 21-17

Rice at Baylor
This old Southwest Conference Rivalry used to have some dandy games between them.
Remember the Southwest Conference?
Yeah, they broke up to form the Big 12
I still miss the SWC..
BEARS 33-17

Incarnate Word at West Texas A&M
Why do they think they are the only people with the “incarnate word”?
Who do they think they are Bobby Bowden?
Talk about arrogant….
WEST TEXAS BUFFALOS 24-10

Eureka College at Presentation
Eureka this one college sounds like it’s the school of PowerPoint Presentations!
EUREKA I FOUND IT! 23-17

North Dakota State at Minnesota
I have never seen a Gopher whip a Bison but I have seen a spider monkey ride a goat.
And before you ask….
“Yes” I am that easily entertained
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-17

Florida Atlantic at Auburn
This game begs the question…
Which one of these drunken birds is going to hit the Plexiglas in the skyboxes first?
The Owl or the War Eagle?
WAR DAMN EAGLE 43-10

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State
This is an excellent time to remind you all…
That you can never have enough Cowbell

Click here to view the embedded video.

BULLY DOGS 34-10

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
Both teams are Undefeated….
(Yes I said both teams are undefeated)
This one will be closer than you might imagine
GAMECOCKS 28-24

Florida at Kentucky
The Cats get skinned by the Gators and that’s no Joke
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
Now I know why A&M wants to leave the Big 12….
They don’t like the Prairie Wind touching them in the naughty place
COWBOY UP! 33-17

Nevada at Texas Tech
Woooo Hooooo! Coach Tommy Tub adds another win to his weak-ass non conference schedule!
That means you are one step closer to that all important Dulcolax Suppository Bowl Bid!
GET THOSE SUPPOSITORY’S UP RED RAIDERS!
RED RAIDERS 43-38

Indiana at North Texas
The Loosiers come to beautiful Denton Texas….
I wouldn’t call this an “Upset Special”
Because it won’t be
MEAN GREEN 24-17

UTEP at South Florida
To the best of my knowledge I haven’t seen any mines or miners in Tampa…
But I have seen some Yankees in Clearwater Beach that looked like Moby Dick.
The locals kept pushing them back in the water and telling them “Be Free! Be Free!”
And “Yes” I have pictures to prove it…
BULLS 33-10

Black Hills State at North Dakota
This one is for the NCAA Politically Correct Speech Police
FIGHTING SIOUX FIGHTING SIOUX FIGHTING SIOUX! 41-10

Montana State at Eastern Washington
The Eagles fell to the Grizzlies of Montana last week, that trend continues on Saturday
BOBCATS 31-10

Nebraska at Wyoming
The Cowboys surprised us all last week by actually winning a game
(I was certainly shocked)
But the Children of the Corn are coming to town this Saturday
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 234-0

Missouri at Oklahoma
This Old Big 8 rivalry is played for the Tiger-Sooner Peace Pipe….
Not to be confused with the Willie Nelson Hookah Pipe.
BOOMER SOONERS 34-17

Colorado State at Utah State
The Rams get Rammed by the Aggies
Believe it
AGGIES 28-24

Georgia State at Houston
Bill Curry get’s eaten by a Cougar in H-Town.
I don’t know about you, but I would pay good money to see that..
MIGHTY COUGARS 44-10

Tulsa at Boise State
The Golden Hurricanes can’t generate enough wind to classify as a decent fart
MIGHTY BRONCO’S 44-0

Montana at Sacramento State
Only one thing to say here….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Southern California at Arizona State
The Sun Devils are the favored team in this game and I was perplexed as to which team to pick.
So I asked my Black Lab “Doc” who he thought would win.
He looked at the computer screen for about a minute and then licked his butt….
That’s good enough for me
LAME KITTEN’S TROJANS 24-21

Oregon at Arizona
I had almost the same reaction as “Doc” when I saw these two teams…
So I will go with..
QUACKERS 28-17

Florida State at Clemson
This one will be close, real close…
It could go either way, so don’t leave your seats
SEMINOLES 33-28

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck just keeps on Rambling
YELLOW JACKETS 33-24

Kansas State at Miami
Recent TSA regulations prevents the Wildcat faithful from bringing Bill Snyder’s petrified body on the team airplane as a “carry on” to meet the Hurricanes.
That being said, they have no motivation to win the game, sorry
HURRICANES 34-10

LSU at West Virginia
Only the Bayou Tigers can’t prevent Couch Fires this Saturday
Consider this to be my Public Service Announcement for the Week
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Sunday September 25th

California Davis at Hawaii
For those of you wondering about this game in Hawaii
I have the answer you have been waiting for…
Dog the Bounty Hunter will return to the A&E Network this fall on Wednesday Nights

I enjoy ending the picks on a happy note

WARRIORS BOUNTY HUNTING ON RAINBOWS 43-17

Enjoy your games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

The opening week of College Football is behind us….

And your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the first week of the season at 78 and 10 or 89%. Not too great but not too bad, if I say so myself.

We have a lot to talk about so let’s not waste anymore time here

Enjoy your picks…

COMMENTARY on COMMENTATORS

I will be the first to person to tell you that I have no patience with stupid people.

And in most instances I can avoid them, except on College Football Game Days.

Case in point: Before the kickoff of the Texas Christian Horned Frogs and the Baylor Bears game, ESPN College Football “commentator” Rod Gilmore said this….

“The Horned Frogs take the field tonight for the first time in a long time without Andy Dalton the greatest quarterback in TCU History”

WHAT?

Former TCU Quarterback Andy Dalton is the Greatest Quarterback in TCU History?

Either Rod Gilmore was higher than a Georgia Pine when he said that or….
he is a complete dumbass.

EDITORS NOTE: I vote for complete Dumbass

Rod had you EVER heard of “Slinging” Sammy Baugh?

He was a quarterback at TCU

Have you EVER heard of Davey O’Brien?
You know that guy they named that “quarterback” trophy after?

He was a quarterback at TCU too

Rod, you rode the “short” bus to school, didn’t you?

Then on Saturday morning…..
Everybody’s favorite idiot Mark May of ESPN said this…

“Houston Nutt is on the hot seat at Arkansas this year….”

Way to keep up with current events jackass

Houston Nutt has ONLY been the Coach at Ole Miss since 2008

So what’s the lesson to be learned here, other than the fact Rod Gilmore and Mark May could be in the Hollywood remake of “Dumb and Dumber”?

You may not be able to avoid stupid people but you can sure have that mute button handy

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

His name is Matt Jones and he attends Gretna High School near Omaha Nebraska

He is 6 Ft 6 in tall and 235 lbs
Matt is the quarterback and the punter on the team.
The first game of the season the Gretna Dragons Beat Norris 28-17 and Matt threw for 2 touchdowns and ran for another one. His longest punt in the game was for 52 yards..

Matt also plays first base and pitches on his High School baseball team.
He pitches in the low 90 Mph range

He is an outstanding student from and outstanding family.

EDITORS NOTE: If the Nebraska Cornhuskers don’t pick him up, I know a fine school in Tuscaloosa Alabama that he might be interested in, oh yeah…
And they play a little football down there too.

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Harley Hanesworth here, reporting from Telfair County, deep from the heart of SEC country.

Well, folks, it looks like our Georgia Bulldogs went out and stepped in a giant pile of horse manure, literally. Between the bizarre alien Halloween costumes, I mean uniforms and the lost looks of the players and coaches trying to figure out exactly what was going on, these Dogs won’t hunt. I got on the Atlanta Journal Constitution website (AJC.com) and the natives are restless. Unlike Jim Tressel, who cashed in on his National Championship collateral to stay popular with the fan base, Mark Richt is a marked man. There were many comments made in response to the Schultz column, but I think this one surmises the overall sentiment nicely: “Richt can take his’n and lose to yore’n or take yore’n and lose to his’n”. It’s still early in the season so much remains to be seen on whether this team is on the road to a championship or a highway to hell.

Around the rest of the SEC Alabama, Arkansas, and Florida all rolled to easy victories in tune up games. Even Vanderbilt got in on a little of the early season beat down activities. Tennessee and Mississippi State came out on top in convincing fashion and LSU flexed a little SEC muscle in a nationally televised win over Oregon. South Carolina got by East Carolina, although the Conner Shaw experiment in the first quarter almost blew up in the Head Ball coaches face. I don’t know what that was all about, but Spurrier went with, and stayed with, Garcia for the rest of the game, which proved to be the difference.
Auburn squeaked out a win over mighty Utah State?
Yeah, the Cammy Cam era over on the Plains looks like it’s about to come to a rather unspectacular and unceremonious end if they don’t get their game together.
Kentucky really made me cringe in that display of futility over Western Kentucky. And Mississippi fell to the Mormons. I don’t think those Southern Baptists in Oxford are too happy about getting beat by the heretics from Utah.

Over in the ACC, there were mixed results. Florida State, Vahhh-Tech, Clemson, and North Carolina had a relatively easy warm up on Saturday. Georgia Tech actually had a passing game in a victory over Western Carolina. But before the boys from the North Avenue Trade School get too excited let’s see how they fare against some of the Conferences “Elites.”
And that brings up a point that I’ve been pondering for a while.
Some of the teams over in the country’s best basketball conference have improved themselves and are rising through the ranks. Of note are the Florida State Seminoles.
But, while this has been occurring, the traditional bottom dwellers continue to drop. It appears to me that the gap between the “haves” and “have not’s” is widening more than the economic gap in this country under the Obama administration.
Well, at least the ACC doesn’t have to worry about things like a mortgage crisis and illegal aliens. Although, Duke, Boston College, and Wake Forest played their games like they were from a foreign country.

And lastly, some games of note from around the country. Ohio State once again showed their dominance over the state of Ohio in blanking Akron. The post Tressel era started on a positive note, but, without Pryor and company, it’s a little too early to anoint the Buck-sters with another Big Something Championship.
You know, some teams start out against some lower tier opponents to get the reps in and tune up for the difficult games down the road. Some teams go for some early competition to bolster their rank in the standings.
Oregon and Georgia made gutsy moves by scheduling tough opponents in the first week of the season. However, I don’t know what in the world Notre Dame was thinking. Already over-rated by being ranked number 16 in the country after accomplishing, well, they haven’t accomplished anything in years, and then, going out and promptly getting beaten by South Florida is not exactly Einstein-ish. That’s not the way you establish yourself as a national powerhouse. To tell you the truth, it doesn’t do much for the recruiting effort either. Let’s just hope that there’s more UNDER the golden dome than there is between the ears in the South Bend athletic Department.

Sincerely

Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

OKLAHOMA: The Mighty Sooners won the game with Tulsa this past Saturday, but lost the Great Lee Roy Selmon this weekend to a stroke. He was only 56 years old. He was one of the greatest players in Oklahoma Sooners History and one of the greatest players to ever play the game of football and his presence will be sorely missed.
There won’t be another one like him pass this way again

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: Damn it Frogs…

KANSAS STATE: What’s the deal Wildcats?
First you wheel Bill Snyder’s petrified body on to the field to “motivate” the players.
Then, in an effort to “motivate” the fans and alumni, you decided to conjure up a cartoon character for a mascot so we can make college football “Eco Friendly”.

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record Kansas State fans…
We aren’t laughing with you, we are laughing at you

INDIANA: All the hype, all the talk and all the “excitement” at Hoosier U…
And you couldn’t even beat BALL STATE?

Loosiers….

OREGON STATE: I was going to make a joke about the Beavers getting shaved on Saturday, but I am above that kind of sophomoric humor.

TEXAS A&M: Can’t we date a while before we get married? I hate arranged marriages..

GEORGIA: I predict it’s going to be a long and painful season for the Dawgs and I’m not just talking about looking at those God awful “new” uniforms either.

NEW MEXICO STATE: I should have known better than to pick an “upset special” with a team that has a mascot named “Lasso Larry”. I was half expecting Moe and Curley to come out of the tunnel with him in cowboy outfits.

LSU: That’s how you pluck a Duck…

WEST VIRGINIA: The Morgantown City Council voted recently to make “couch burning” a felony within the city limits. Have they no respect for tradition?

MARYLAND: The University of Maryland is being sued in Federal Court as a part of a class action lawsuit by an as yet named number of people who claim that watching the Maryland Terrapins playing on television in their “new” uniforms has caused them to suffer from epileptic seizures.

One unnamed litigant said it this way….
“When I saw the University of Maryland’s “new” uniforms on television I became dizzy and disoriented and began to vomit on myself in my recliner and my eyes rolled back in my head. I staggered to the kitchen and as I looked over my shoulder and saw the terrapins on television (again) I passed out and went into full seizure mode”

EDITORS NOTE: Who designed these uniforms, Stevie Wonder?

ARMY: Here we go again…
I pick you to win and you lose…
When I pick you to lose, you win…
Can’t we all just get along?

COLORADO: Please see “Army” above…

AUBURN: This past Saturday during the defending National Champions rousing win over the Utah State Aggies, a member of the staff at the CFB Wizard was fortunate enough to have intercepted headset traffic from Auburn Coach Gene Chizik.

Here is a portion of the transcribed conversation.

Yes, Mr Lowder…..

I know, Mr Lowder……

I’m not going to tell anyone, Mr Lowder……

No, he put it all in that Swiss bank account you set up, Mr Lowder….

No, he didn’t give me the PIN number Mr Lowder….

Yes, sir, I’ll have him in your office this evening to shine your shoes, Mr Lowder…

No, sir, I’ll have to wait till Monday morning to pick up your shirts, Mr Lowder….

Please don’t be angry with me Mr. Lowder..

I’m really trying Mr. Lowder….

NOTRE DAME: As you may have read….
The famous sign in the Fighting Irish locker room “Play like a Champion Today”
Has been replaced with…
“Play like overrated conceited arrogant jackasses with a sense of entitlement because we are Notre Dame Today”

EDITORS NOTE: If nothing else…
You have to appreciate the honesty in the new locker room sign

MINNESOTA: Even though they lost a close contest against the California Trojans..
Make no mistake about it; these Ground Hogs are for real.

CLEMSON: Unless you are a fan of the Clemson Tiger’s the name Jake Nicolopulos may not sound familiar to you. He was an incredibly gifted high school football player at T. L Hanna High School in South Carolina and all his life he dreamed of playing football for the Mighty Clemson Tigers.

Jake’s dream came true….
He was offered a scholarship to play for his beloved Clemson Tigers in 2009

Then in December 2009 the star football player had a stroke that almost killed him.

He would never play football again

This past Saturday Jake made it down “The Hill” at Clemson

Jake came out with the coaches and rubbed “Howard’s Rock”.

He started at the front of the line taking in the scene and Coach Dabo Swinney helped him to the side and hugged his neck as the Clemson Tigers football team lined up and then streamed down the hill and onto the field.
He had to have someone hold his arm and he was the last one down as they were rolling up the carpet behind him. But nearly two years after the stroke that almost killed him; Nicolopulos didn’t care that he was the last one down the hill.

“Awesome,” he said Saturday, with a smile that likely won’t go away for days.

Nicolopulos still walks with a noticeable limp. He shakes hands with his left hand, because he still can’t do much with the right one after the stroke that nearly killed him.

Nicolopulos had already promised to come to Clemson, and the University kept its commitment.
He is a student-coach on scholarship, taking two classes, even though in the excitement right after coming down the hill at Death Valley, he couldn’t recall their names.
He apologized, but never stopped smiling.

The run down the hill was the conclusion of several promises Clemson coach Dabo Swinney and his chief recruiter back in 2009, Brad Scott, made at Nicolopulos’ bedside after the stroke, when some wondered if Nicolopulos would ever walk again. They presented him with a No. 9 Clemson jersey, his number in high school, and he grabbed the shirt with his left arm, the only one he could move at the time.
He pulled it up to his face and cried.

Three months later, rehab had helped him enough that he could sign his name to his letter of intent to Clemson. Seven months later, he was at Memorial Stadium to watch the Tigers 2010 opener against North Texas.
On Saturday, he wore khaki pants and a Clemson polo shirt as he got on the sidelines. He slapped players on the back on the bench and always answered when someone asked how he was doing. “Good. Leg is OK.”

Swinney promised Nicolopulos’ family they would treat him like any other Tiger.
The head coach has said more than once that his team can learn a lot from him.
“God had a little bit of a different plan for him. But I don’t have doubt at all Jake Nicolopulos will make an impact at Clemson,” Swinney said when he signed him.

The team has had an impact on Nicolopulos too.
He smiled even bigger when asked how much Clemson’s support has meant. “Great,” he said.
Then someone else passed by and asked Nicolopulos how it was running down the hill.
He briefly searched for another word.
“Crazy,” he said as he ambled down the sideline, slapping more of his teammates on the back.

If this video doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, then nothing will

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: For a University and a Coaching Staff to not only keep their promise to this young man, but to show such care and concern for him, if that isn’t Class and Character, then I don’t know what is

THE GAMES

Thursday September 8th

Arizona at Oklahoma State
The Prairie Wind is going to howl the fur off these Cats
COWBOY UP! 34-17

Fayetteville State at Carson Newman
Spark’s Eagles will break these Bronco’s
Believe it
SPARKS EAGLES 38-21

Friday September 9th

Florida International at Louisville
Florida doesn’t know what “International” is until they come to Kentucky
They have a Paris AND a London in the same state…
So There
STRONG CARDINALS 28-17

Missouri at Arizona State
This early season matchup between the Big 12 Light…
(Remember it has all the taste of a regular conference but fewer calories)
And the PAC 10 or 12…
It should be a good one…
MO’S TIGERS 33-28

Saturday September 10th

Oregon State at Wisconsin
I have two very good reasons why I can’t watch this game
“Sea Monkeys”
Enough said….
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-10

Apprentice School at Campbell
At first glance I thought Donald Trump had his own college.
Then I noticed the name of the team is the “School Builders”
As in “the Apprentice School Builders”
And that reminded me that I still have a plunger stuck in my toilet…
GAYLORD the CAMEL 24-21

Florida Atlantic at Michigan State
I was going to watch this game but…
My therapist said I need to spend more time with my Blender
THE SPARTANS 38-10

Toledo at Ohio State
The second game on the Buckeye “Beat every little college in Ohio’s ass Tour”
I can hardly wait until they line-up against that Vietnamese Nail Salon and Beautician College in Cleveland, it should be a dandy.
BUCKEYES 43-10

Iowa at Iowa State
This bitter instate rivalry is played each year for the coveted Cy-Hawk Trophy.
You may have seen the “new” Cy-Hawk Trophy that was unveiled last month…

The picture of the trophy leads me to this question…
How can a bunch of grownups (who buy their own toilet paper and pay taxes) set in a room and think…
“Hey! This is a good idea for a football rivalry trophy!”
What the hell were they thinking?
HAWKEYES 24-21

Central Michigan at Kentucky
I wonder if there is actually a guy named Chip Pewas or Chip P. Ewas?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
But I am still going to Google it..
JOKERS CATS 28-21

Glenville State at North Alabama
The Lions of Florence are roaring and Glen has a number of deeply rooted personal issues that prevent him from concentrating on the game this week.
Yes, it’s just that simple
MIGHTY LIONS 38-17

San Diego State at Army
A uniformed army fighting some ancient Aztecs…
Isn’t that how Montezuma’s Revenge came about?
I can’t take any chances on this pick, because I can’t see my television from the toilet
AZTECS 33-17

South Dakota State at Illinois
This game reminded me there is a “Leave it to Beaver” marathon on TV Land
I have to watch it; I can’t betray Wally
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 43-10

Cal Poly at Montana
Poor Cal, he is in for the mauling of a lifetime by the Mighty Grizzly Bears
Believe it
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-10

Juniata at Dickinson
Two very important points to consider concerning this game…
One: I didn’t know Emily Dickinson had her own college
Two: Juanita was Barney Fife’s girlfriend at the diner in Mayberry
I think I made my point
J LO 24-17

William and Mary at Virginia Military Academy
Bill and Mary are spoiling for a fight and the Cadets of VMI aren’t
which is sad….
THE TRIBE 28-17

Tusculum at Georgia Southern
I cannot in good conscience pick a team that sounds like a hunk of mucus
I’m sorry but the cold and flu season is right around the corner
SOUTHERN EAGLES 43-17

Mississippi State at Auburn
Did you hear that noise?
It’s all the fair weather Tiger fans jumping off the Auburn Bandwagon
BULLY DOGS 33-21

Rutgers at North Carolina
I never thought I would say this about the once mighty Tar Heels playing a Rutgers team
This one could go either way…
HEELS of TAR 28-24

Marist at Bucknell
I don’t know much about Buck, but that Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 28-24

Norfolk State at West Virginia
Regardless of what the Morgantown City Council says..
I believe in meaningless college football celebration rituals that have no apparent value
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-10

Maine at Pittsburgh
Although Iron City Beer tastes like it’s already been drank once…
I will go with the boys from Steel Town
PANTHERS 34-10

North Colorado at Colorado State
The Mighty Rams will bear down on North Colorado in this game
RAMS 33-21

Susquehanna at John Hopkins
Johnny Hopkins better bring his “A” game to this matchup…
Because you know how Susie mean gets when she’s all liquored up
SUSIE Q 24-17

Alabama at Penn State
This game in the Happiest of Valley’s could go either way
Believe it
CRIMSON TIDE 23-17

Nevada at Oregon
I wish I cared about this game, I really do….
But I don’t.
QUACKS 38-28

Garner Webb at Ohio
I would have thought Garner’s Momma and daddy would have taught him..
Not to play with Bobcats
That boy is going to get the hell clawed out of him
BOBCATS 34-10

Stanford at Duke
I would rather watch Uncle Todd’s colonoscopy video (again) than watch this game
CARDINAL 38-24

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
The Pirates stayed with the real USC last week through three quarters..
They won’t be as fortunate this week
HOKEY POKEY 41-17

Texas Christian at Air Force
The Mighty Falcons of Air Force are good and the Frogs are Hurting…
This one will be closer than you think
HORNED FROGS 31-28

North Greenville at Presbyterian
The Crusaders of North Greenville Baptist College meet the Blue Ho’s
I wonder if Jimmy Swaggart will be there?
BLUE HO’S 24-21

North Carolina A&T at Appalachian State
Who knew a North Carolina phone company had their own college?
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

California at Colorado
I would rather stare at an ant farm for three hours than watch this game
GOLDEN GRAM BEARS 24-14

Occidental at Puget Sound
Can’t these colleges get their names right?
Its “accidental” NOT “occidental”..
Who ever heard of…
“I occidentally tripped and sprained my ankle”
That’s just dumb
PUDGY 21-17

Eastern Illinois at Northwestern
There are Panthers and Wildcats featured in this game
I hope they have some big litter boxes handy
WILDCATS 44-10

Valparaiso at Youngstown State
This game begs the question..
If these Yankees aren’t ten miles from the Arctic Circle…
then why do they have a penguin for a mascot?
I rest my case…
PENGUINS 31-17

New Mexico State at Minnesota
Lasso Larry tripped me up last week…
I won’t make the same mistake two Saturday’s in a row
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 34-14

North Carolina State at Wake Forest
The History of Macaroni Art is on the Learning Channel or I would watch this one
Honest….
WOLFPACK 21-17

Wofford at Clemson
Chewbacca U bit off more than they can chew in this one….
Welcome to Death Valley
DABO’S TIGERS 43-14

Purdue at Rice
This game will be like watching two old people in a nursing home fight.
At first it’s kind of funny and then it’s just sad
BOILERMAKERS 17-14

Hawaii at Washington
The once proud Huskies stumbled slightly coming out of the gate last week…
But I believe in the Big Dogs
HUSKIES 31-24

Southern Miss at Marshall
The Thundering herd in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear..
This one will be close, real close
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-24

Cincinnati at Tennessee
This game in OBknoxville will feature a “special” halftime show…
Luke “Turnip Head” McKinney and his dancing possum “Perry” will perform a tribute to Elvis Presley with the University of Tennessee “Pride of the Southland” marching band.
This will be quite a treat for the local Vol fans as Luke was bitten by Perry while rehearsing “Jailhouse Rock” and required rabies shots and wasn’t expected to make the show.
VOWELS 34-17

Tulsa at Tulane
Interestingly enough this game features “Golden Hurricanes and Green Waves”
What is interesting about that factoid you may ask?
If you drink to many Hurricanes on Bourbon Street you will be leaning over the toilet bowl watching the Green Wave before the sun comes up the next morning.
Consider this your safety tip of the week
O’ so very GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-24

South Carolina at Georgia
Dawg Gone….
GAMECOCKS 28-17

Rhode Island at Syracuse
I cannot promote or pick a team that is predicated on a lie!
Everybody knows Rhode Island isn’t an island, what do you think we are stupid?
OTTO the ORANGE 43-10

Gustavus Adolphus at Wartburg
The only thing I could think about when I saw this matchup was…
I bet that German guy could brew some fine beer…
GUS’S BREW 23-17

North Dakota at Idaho
You may not be aware of this unusual factoid about the University of Idaho…
The majorettes and flag girls on their marching band are called
“The Ida Honkies”
FIGHTING SIOUX 33-24

UNLV at Washington State
This game reminds me..
Have you seen the latest commercial for Ex-Lax?
“Has constipation made you a walking time bomb?”
Catchy don’t you think?
Never mind…
COUGARS 21-17

Charleston Southern at Florida State
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton in a Hooter’s Girl uniform
(Sorry for the disturbing visual)
SEMINOLES 54-0

Southern Illinois at Ole Miss
I recently saw the “new” Ole Miss mascot and I have a question…
What is it about a Black Bear costume that says “Rebels”?
Is it a rebellious bear that won’t listen to the other bears?
RUN it’s a REBEL Bear!
I don’t get it…
But you all do know that’s stupid as hell, right?
Just so we all agree…
BEAR DOWN 38-14

Texas State at Wyoming
It’s time for the Boy’s from Laramie to Cowboy Up
COWBOYS 31-17

Fresno State at Nebraska
The Fresno Fritters should have taken a right at Pismo Beach….
It would have been less painful
CHILDREN of the CORN 41-10

New Mexico at Arkansas
This game is going to be uglier than Leonard Nimoy singing the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

Click here to view the embedded video.

HAWGS 51-10

EDITORS NOTE: I apologize if the above video caused anyone’s ears to bleed

UAB at Florida
I have no idea why the folks from Birmingham decided to name their team the “Blazers” and a have a Dragon for a mascot, because I have never seen a dragon in Alabama.
But there was this one night in Hueytown….
I don’t want to talk about it
MIGHTY GATORS 38-14

Ball State at South Florida
Both teams are coming off big wins last week…
But South Florida is mighty strong
And that’s No Bull…
DA BULLS 33-28

Virginia at Indiana
Hoosier? As in…..
Who’s your daddy this week?
CAVALIERS 28-10

Navy at Western Kentucky
The Hilltoppers of Western have an outstanding running game….
The Problem here is, the Midshipmen’s is better
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Morgan State at Bowling Green
I didn’t pick the Falcons to win last week and I paid the price…
Consider this my way of apologizing…
FALCONS 34-10

Jackson State at Tennessee State
A classic matchup between two storied college football programs…
Some of the greatest players to have ever graced the field have played in this game.
“Jefferson Street” Joe Gilliam, Ed “Too Tall” Jones and the Great Walter Payton to name but a few. And as a side note…
The halftime “Battle of the Bands” is not to be missed…
WALTER’S TIGERS 28-24

Houston at North Texas
The Folks from Denton are called the “Mean Green” which sounds a lot like one of those miracle stain removers if you ask me. I wonder if it will remove ass kicking stains.
MIGHTY COUGARS 43-17

Brigham Young at Texas
This game is going to prove which team is actually as good as advertised
I’m Hooked
HOOK EM HORNS 38-17

Memphis at Arkansas State
The Fighting Elvis’s from Graceland will rock the Red Wolves
or at least they “should”
ELVIS’S TIGERS 33-17

Northern Illinois at Kansas
Don’t be surprised if this one goes the “other way”
JAY’S HAWKS 28-24

Georgia Tech at Middle Tennessee State
The Wreck Ramble up the road to Murfreesboro Tennessee and believe it or not…
They will “pass” their way to victory in this game.
I’m not joking…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-17

UTEP at Southern Methodist
My proud ponies were rode hard and put up wet last week against the disgruntled Texas A&M Aggies, but Coach June’s Boys get back on track this week.
(I hope)
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-28

Nicholls State at Western Michigan
The Bronco’s will reduce the Colonels to Lance Corporals by the third quarter..
Believe it
BRONCO’S 38-10

Utah at Southern California
Stop me if you have heard this one…
“There once was a man from Nantucket that had two Utes in a bucket”
That’s how it goes, right?
TWO UTES 34-31

Connecticut at Vanderbilt
You want to know what I really like about Connecticut.
Nothing…
COMMODORES 33-21

Northwestern State at LSU
The Demons from Northwestern are about to be exorcised…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 53-10

Notre Dame at Michigan
There was once a time when this was a marquee matchup….
This isn’t the time
WOLVERINES 24-17

Weber State at Utah State
If the Aggies can scare the hell out of the defending National Champions then they can certainly dispose of the folks from the Outdoor Grill School of culinary delight.
AGGIES 38-17

Boston College at Central Florida
The Boy’s from O-Town (Not the defunct boy band) take it to the Eagles of Chestnut Hill
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-17

San Jose State at UCLA
Yet another stop on Jose’s “I like to get my ass kicked tour”
It’s fun for the whole family
RICK’S BRUINS 38-10

Sunday September 11th

Post Game Commentary

Before September 11th became known as a “Day of Infamy”
It was more known, at least in Alabama, as the birthday of Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant.

Coach Bryant always carried a poem with him in his wallet.
He would occasionally unfold it and read it to his players and he said he read it to himself at least twice a day for as long as he could remember.

On this day I think it’s fitting to share Coach’s poem with you

“This is the beginning of a new day.
God has given me this day to use as I will.
I can waste it or use it for good.
What I do today is important as I am
exchanging a day of my life for it.
When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever.
Leaving something in its place I have traded for it.
I want it to be a gain, not loss–good, not evil.
Success, not failure, in order that I shall not forget
the price I paid for it.”

Coach Bryant would have been 98 years old on September the 11th..
and I would still be scared to death of him.

I miss you Coach. Always will
Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As you know by now…….
The finest College Football Picks anywhere in the Country are right here and ready for your viewing pleasure. (No need to thank me, it’s what I do)

We have some big games and some “not so” big games, but they are all here for you

So let’s get to it

It’s time for College Football

And one other thing…
It’s good to be back, I have missed you all.

Enjoy…………

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

LSU: I am sure by now you have all heard about the four Tiger knuckleheads who got into a fight at a bar in Baton Rouge, one of which is starting quarterback Jordan Jefferson.

You may be thinking “He isn’t too smart”

Some of us already knew that….

Click here to view the embedded video.

TEXAS A&M: If the Aggies are willing to ditch their rich tradition because the University of Texas has created the “Longhorn Network” then I have an idea.

Why don’t the Aggies create their own network and stay in their own conference.

Unless they are just mad because they didn’t think of it first.

GEORGIA: I thought “Tradition” actually meant something in Athens, I guess I was wrong

So you ditched your “classic” uniforms for this futuristic transformer crap

If you were going for the “stupid” look, congratulations you hit the mark

MARYLAND: You got no room to laugh at Georgia, so don’t even giggle.
Your “new” helmets courtesy of Under Armour….

Look like a linoleum kitchen floor design from the 1970’s

It’s so ugly and disturbing I can’t have a picture on the site for fear someone will have an epileptic seizure from staring at them too long.

NIKE: In this late breaking news story, we see that NIKE has accomplished a preseason coupe by signing numerous SEC schools to uniform contracts.

Here we see teams modeling the latest creations.
Georgia in Red
Tennessee in Orange
Vanderbilt in Black
Kentucky in Blue, and…..

A SPECIAL flamingo pink for Florida
They do look spectacular.

AUBURN: In this age when the national media makes “stars” and “celebrities” from torrid sex tapes I am sad to report that it is “rumored” that Auburn Coach Gene Chizik has gotten on the bandwagon of this very disturbing and disgusting trend with a “sex tape” of his own.

The video in question is reported to show Coach Gene Chizik and as yet unidentified young female in a night of unabashed passion and debauchery.
here is no word yet on the age, name or address of the young female sheep involved in the video.

EDITORS NOTE: I know, I know….
That was Baddddd Badddddddd

MIAMI: With the latest suspensions of Hurricane players linked to the ongoing NCAA Investigation, it was reported today that Miami will take the unprecedented step in playing their remaining eligible players “four ways”. Hurricane Head Coach Al Golden explained it this way…

“With only six players eligible on the football team each player will have to play two separate positions on offense and defense, which makes it a four way player. It’s like the old days of players playing offense and defense except different”

EDITORS NOTE: Good Luck with that Coach…

OHIO STATE – MICHIGAN: The below picture was sent to the Staff at the CFB Wizard courtesy of a Wolverine Fan. How do I know it was a Wolverine Fan that sent it?

The email smelled like sauerkraut

OLE MISS: Ah Houston, I think you have a problem…..

EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Sir,
I am Harley Hanesworth, world renowned sports columnist for the Telfair Enterprise, here in McRae, Georgia. I’ve read and kept up with your column for many years and have been inspired by it. I have written many times in the Enterprise after this inspiration and, as a result, have almost been run out of town on numerous occasions.
I don’t think the locals here get me.
With that in mind, I would like to submit from time to time some insights and commentary on things in the college football world that you may deem worthy to print, if you so desire. With that in mind, here is a little something I ginned up while downing a bottle of Gilbey’s.

College football is about to begin.
Numerous publications have written about the teams, posted their schedules, and even have the bowl schedules posted. The bowl schedules kind of caught my eye. I was looking at this list and noted how the names of such, remarkably, reflect the caliber of talent that the individual bowls select to play in their “prestigious” events. Here are some examples:

The Humanitarian Bowl – Aptly named since it is actually a humanitarian gesture to invite teams from the MAC and WAC to participate in postseason play

Beef O’Brady’s Bowl – Should be the “Where’s the” Beef O’Brady’s Bowl. Certainly a lack of it with teams from the Big East and Conference USA participating

Poinsettia Bowl – Flowers are appropriate to celebrate the death of another season for the contestants from the Mountain West and WAC

MAACO – This is actually an acronym. Means “Maybe Alaska And Colorado Observe” this highly riveting game between the Mountain West and PAC 12 is the cure for insomnia

Independence – Participants from the ACC and Mountain West were selected due to their blanket coverage on Independent TV. (Channels 14 and above)

Champs Sports – Should have actually been called the Chumps Sports Bowl with these juggernauts from the ACC and Big East gumming each other into submission

Insight – I’ll give you all the insight you need.
The Big Ten vs The Big 12.
They can’t even get their conference names right

Chick-fil-A – Nothing says ass whipping like a team from the SEC taking on the boneless breast of a conference rep from the ACC

TicketCity – Fans from the Big Ten and Conference USA will be getting rung up by local law enforcement after trying to skedaddle out of town after the final gun.

And just one final observation.
The Outback, Capital One, and Gator Bowl all feature matchups between the Big Ten (Dozen?) and the SEC. I always wondered why the losing numbers just kept piling up for the Big Ten vs SEC schools. Now I know. They’re a glutton for punishment.

Respectfully

Harley Hanesworth

FOLLOW-UP EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Mr “Wizard” (as you refer to yourself),

I was appalled and taken aback at the recent publication of my letter on your sordid website.
Have you no common decency?

Do you not understand the principles of confidentiality?
As a result of your disgraceful act, I have been bombarded with cards, letters, and emails from your wretched followers. However, the ultimate humiliation was a call from the Secretary of Defense himself.
He was quite upset and almost had me in tears!!
Therefore, as some of your minions may have noted, we have rescinded the blockage of your website; however, it is only for CONUS use.
I was able to convince my superiors of the National Security concerns that we have over your outlandish and subversive drivel. You see, we had what we call a “PC” dilemma.
What I mean is that we had your most un-politically correct website but we also had many unhappy soldiers that couldn’t pick up your site. Although it is for their own good, we can’t have our soldiers walking around pouting and pouching out their succulent, plump, lower lips, all slouched over and with their heads down.

We need to have these young people standing erect and proud, with their firm, muscular chests poked out, and their tight, taut butt cheeks, pinched tightly to form a… ah, well, you know what I mean.

As I said, in order to remedy the dilemma we have formally lifted the ban of your site here in the US. But rest assured, we of the REE/TARD Brigade will be watching you.
We will be monitoring your every word.
Rest assured, sir, that when I put my hands on a soldier, hug them tightly, and whisper softly in his ear; I will be personally assuring him that you will do no more harm.
He will feel my warm breath on his face, my firm hands pulling him gently into a warm embrace…. and, ah, I’ll make him feel better.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

Militarily,
Beauregard T. Thistleballs,
General
United States Army
REE/TARDS
University of Southern California ‘69

THE PICKS

Thursday September 1st

Carson Newman at Glenville State
I think Glen’s ego has gotten out of hand….
First he has his own town and now he wants to have his own State.
Coach Sparks Boys will bring him back to reality
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Drake and North Dakota
This pick is for the NCAA politically correct police….
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

Wake Forest at Syracuse
I was going to watch this game but…..
It’s on at the same time as my “Trombonists Anonymous Meeting”
Sorry….
DEMONS DEACONS 28-24

New Hampshire at Toledo
Good News “Rocket Fans”…..
Your “new” mascot Rocky the Rocket will be unveiled at this game….
It looks like a TeleTubbie on Crack….

Congratulations…
ROCKY ROCKET 28-24

Western Carolina at Georgia Tech
I still think “Catamount” sounds like something nasty is going on…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-14

West Alabama at South Alabama
This is a Backyard Brawl early in the season and it’s all Alabama
I’m a South Alabama man….
JAGUARS 24-17

Montana State at Utah
Stop me if you have heard this one….
Two Utes and a Bobcat walk into a bar with a Midget and a Rabbi….
I told that one already? Sorry…
TWO UTES 43-24

Fordham at Connecticut
You may not know this…
The Great Vince Lombardi was one of the “original” Seven Blocks of Granite of the 1936 Fordham Rams Football Team and they are all legends of the game of college football.
Unfortunately that’s not going to help them much here….
HUSKIES 34-10

Mississippi State at Memphis
The Boys from the Land of Elvis are going to be “All Shook Up” by the Bulldogs
Believe it
BULLY DOGS 34-10

UC Davis at Arizona State
I don’t care and neither should you
DEVILS of the SUN 41-10

Central Oklahoma at North Alabama
The Lions of Florence are loaded this year
Remember you heard it here first….
MIGHTY LIONS 38-21

UNLV at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz!
BADGERS 44-10

Kentucky at Western Kentucky
There will be a lot of Bluegrass in this game….
And I’m not talking about what fans will be smoking in the parking lot before kickoff
WILDCATS 33-17

North Carolina Central at Rutgers
The Carolina Eagles will get a beat down and their fans get car jacked…
Welcome to New Jersey………
SCARLET KNIGHTS 38-10

Murray State at Louisville
The Racers get rode hard in the Ville
Believe it….
STRONG CARDINALS 43-10

South Carolina State at Central Michigan
When I make a mistake I own up to it….
I have reported in the past that a Chippewa’s is an “infected mole”
Nothing could be further from the truth, as I recently discovered, and I offer my sincere apologizes for such erroneous reporting. You expect a higher standard than that.
In fact it is another term for “Chipped Beef on Toast”…
As in: “I will have two eggs over easy and a plate of Chippewa”
I hope that has cleared up any misunderstanding
CHIPPEWA’S 28-10

Bowling Green at Idaho
I had every good intention of watching this game…..
But I plan on being trapped in a small dingy off the coast of Paraguay at the same time
SMALL POTATOS 28-24

Friday September 2nd

Youngstown State at Michigan State
Penguins and Spartans….
Sounds like the makings of a Disney movie to me…
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 33-17

Texas Christian at Baylor
The Bears of Baylor have a good football team this year…
Just not good enough in this match-up.
HORNED FROGS 28-24

Saturday September 3rd

Delaware State at Virginia Military Academy
I don’t know much about the Hornets of Delaware but George Patton went to VMI
and that’s good enough for me…
KEYDETS 24-21

Jacksonville at Citadel
This isn’t the Jacksonville State Gamecocks or I would pick them to spank the Dogs.
But since it isn’t I won’t
BULLDOGS 34-6

Duquesne at Bucknell
Did you know…..
That you can’t say “Duquesne” properly unless you just drank a glass of buttermilk?
JOHN WAYNE and THE DUKES 24-17

Alabama State at Mississippi Valley State
There are Hornets and Delta Devils in this match-up…..
I have met my fair share of both…
And both of them will run you out of the barn when you least expected it…
Consider that to be your safety tip of the day
DELTA DEVILS 21-14

Arkansas State at Illinois
The Indians of Arkansas State can’t be the “Indians” anymore because the “Indians” are offended so now they are the Red Wolves. The Fighting Illini can’t use “Chief Illiniwek” as a mascot because another gaggle of idiots are offended.
I’m offended that both universities are getting jacked around by the NCAA over their mascots, does that mean they get to keep things the way they were?
Just wondering….
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-10

Western Michigan at Michigan
I was going to watch this game but “former” Wolverine Coach Rich Rod is going to be on a “new” VH1 reality program with his wife Rita Rod called “Guess that Skank”.
Its times like these I wish I had TiVo
WOLVERINES 43-10

Southern University at Tennessee State
I know I have heard it all before….
The Jaguars have the better team in this contest
But as far as I am concerned they will always be Big John Merritt’s Tigers
I still miss the Big Man
BIG JOHN’S TIGERS 24-21

Alcorn State at Grambling
The Great Doug Williams has returned to Grambling to be the Head Football Coach of the Tigers
Welcome Back Coach……
But just for the record….
Coach Rob will always be “The Man” at Grambling….
ROB’S TIGERS 33-28

Louisiana Monroe at Florida State
Poor ole Monroe….
That boy is headed for an ass whipping of Biblical proportions
SEMINOLES 52-0

Utah State at Auburn
The Aggies are the worse team in Division I College Football……
And you know what that means?
The Tiger fans will be rolling the dying shrubs at Toomer’s Corner at Midnight..
What? Too soon?
WAR DAMN EAGLE 103-0

Eastern Kentucky at Kansas State
Coach Bill Snyder’s petrified body will be on display on the sidelines to inspire the Cats to victory over the Colonels of Kentucky.
You do know Coach Snyder has been dead since 1998 didn’t you?
WILDCATS 33-17

Indiana at Ball State
Have I mentioned that David Letterman is an alumni of Ball State?
I have? That won’t matter much this time either….
WHOSE YOUR DADDY 33-21

Akron at Ohio State
Its Football Time in Columbus Ohio and you know what that means!
“The Ohio State Buckeyes Beat Every Little College Ass in Ohio Tour”
Ahhh Good Times…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 38-10

UCLA at Houston
The “University of California Left at Artesia” is going to be introduced to what I like to refer to as…“A Houston Texas Ass Whipping”
Enjoy…..
COUGARS 31-24

Louisiana Tech at Southern Miss
There is nothing like a college football game in Hattiesburg Mississippi
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Rice at Texas
What I wouldn’t give to be in Austin Texas on Saturday Night….
I’m a legend on 6th Street in case you didn’t know
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-10

Kent State at Alabama
Welcome to Tuscaloosa Alabama!
Here is your cashier’s check for visiting us…
Now please make your way to Bryant Denny Stadium where..
You will get your asses kicked between your shoulder blades.
CRIMSON TIDE 38-10

Indiana State at Penn State
The “Fighting” Sycamores come to Happy Valley….
Whoever heard of a “Fighting” Tree?
“HEY Everybody RUN for your Lives! It’s a FIGHTING Tree!”
That’s just stupid…..
JOE PA’S LIONS 55-0

Troy at Clemson
With Troy traveling to Death Valley to meet the Mighty Clemson Tigers this week

This is an excellent time to tell you my favorite story about “Helen of Troy” Alabama….
Helen was the proprietor of a little General Store outside of Troy and she had been single for as long as anyone could remember. All she did was work at her store and go to church, that was about it.
Then one day….
There was this salesman from Birmingham that was on his way to Troy on business and he had just drunk two Coca-Cola’s and he had to relieve himself before he got into town. So he stopped on the side of the road and went into some bushes to take care of his business.
What this fellow didn’t know was that he was relieving himself on a yellow jackets nest. And a few of those aggravated creatures came boiling out of that nest and stung him on his personal business.
Frightened and scared the salesman ran out of the bushes and jumped into his car and stopped at the first place he found, which just happened to be Helen’s General Store.
The injured salesman got out of his car and stumbled into Helen’s Store holding his swollen personal business and asked Helen “What can you give me for this?”
Helen said “A pair of diamond earrings, keys to a new Ford F-150 and the title to the store”
The two haven’t been heard from since….

THE MIGHTY TIGERS 38-10

Campbell at Old Dominion
This game boasts a Battle between Camels and Monarchs…
Yes you read that correctly….
And to make this “even” better the Campbell Camels mascot is named….
“Gaylord the Camel”
Enough said….
BIG BLUE MONARCHS 27-17

Tulsa at Oklahoma
After months of extensive research by the professional staff at the CFB Wizard we have finally determined what the folks at Tulsa mean by a “Golden Hurricane”.
It’s what happens when somebody is all liquored up and they pee into a box fan.
And please, don’t ask how we came to that conclusion.
BOOMER SOONERS 49-10

Richmond at Duke
I had every intention of watching this game….
But a documentary on the history of Styrofoam is on the Learning Channel at the same time.
It’s a matter of priorities
DEVILS of BLUE 33-17

Appalachian State at Virginia Tech
The Mountaineers are about to learn the answer to an age old question..
“Yes”, the Hokey Pokey is what it’s all about…..
HOKEY HOKEY HI! 34-13

Weber State at Wyoming
I had no idea that the fine folks from Weber Grills had their own college….
They make some of the finest outdoor grills known to mankind….
Not that it matters much here……
COWBOY UP! 34-7

Georgia Southern at Samford
It doesn’t matter how many times I have written this column…
Every time I see “Samford” I think of Sanford and Son….
If they ever have a quarterback named “Lamont” I will lose it
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-10

Cal Poly at San Diego State
Frankly there is too much activity in this match-up to suit me…
You have some guy named Cal who likes to be called “Polly”
(Which is an indication that Cal has some “issues”)
Then you have a group of ancient Aztecs running around presumably to perform ritual sacrifices on someone, worship the sun while building monuments to something or another.
This game is just too busy for me….Sorry
ANCIENT AZTECS 38-17

McNeese State at Kansas
Warning: Watching this game could cause…
The viewer to experience severe flatulence in the cerebral cortex
HAWKS of JAY 33-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona
An instate Battle in the Land of Sand….
This time of the year Arizona is ten degrees cooler than the surface of the sun….
HOT CATS 28-17

Sacramento State at Oregon State
I have said this for years and I stand by my statement….
I believe in the Power of the Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-10

Liberty at North Carolina State
Someone told me that Liberty is known as the “Flamers”
I had no idea Kenny Chesney had his own college, did you?
WOLFPACK 44-6

Miami (OH) at Missouri
Here is how this game breaks down, so pay close attention
Miami of Ohio has a very good football team
The Missouri Tigers are way (way) better than good
Yes, it’s just that simple sometimes
MO’S TIGERS 31-17

South Carolina at East Carolina
I have on good authority that Gamecock quarterback Stephen Garcia is changing his game day routine this season in an effort to show more consistency in his play at quarterback.
He is going to start getting liquored up “before” the games this year.
Party on Stephen….
MIGHTY ROOSTERS 43-10

James Madison at North Carolina
I don’t know that much about Jimmy Madison
But his wife Dolly makes some killer mini donuts….
TAR HEELS 24-17

William and Mary at Virginia
I don’t know what Bill and Mary were thinking when they scheduled this game…
But I bet there was liquor involved
CAVALIERS 24-17

Delaware at Navy
Why did the Blue Hen cross the road?
To get its ass kicked by the United States Naval Academy, that’s why.
MIDSHIPMEN 34-24

Brigham Young at Ole Miss
I might be wrong on this one, but I don’t think so
COUGARS 24-17

Boise State at Georgia
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Bulldogs take it to the Broncos in a close one between the hedges
Believe it
SIC EM DAWGS 31-28

Eastern Washington at Washington
An Eagle can’t whip a Big Dog….
It’s in the Bible
MIGHTY HUSKIES 38-10

LSU and Oregon
Cowboy Stadium, Dallas Texas

Oregon Coach Chip Kelly tolerates thugs and drug use on his team…
LSU Coach Les Miles doesn’t…

In perhaps the Biggest game of the early 2011 Season…

Chip Kelly is keeping his thugs on the team to play in the game
Les Miles suspended his players, including the starting quarterback.

The Ducks are prostitutes to NIKE and will change their uniform designs on a whim…
The Mighty Tigers hold true to tradition…..

It’s the Southeastern Conference and the Pacific Athletic Conference

There can only be one winner…
And here is my pick…
“The Ducks get plucked while their offense gets stuck and their fans tell Chip Kelly to get lost”
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: You thought I was going to say something nasty there didn’t you?
Shame on you….

Montana at Tennessee
If you have an opportunity to see this game on television I want to clarify something for you.
There IS a BIG difference between the Montana “Grizzly” Bear mascot and the University of Tennessee female Cheerleaders. One is exceptionally large with an extreme amount of body hair, a long snout, unsightly teeth and a bad disposition.
The other is a college kid in a foam rubber bear costume.
I hope that clears up any preconceived misunderstanding…
VOWELS 38-17

Northwestern at Boston College
This has all the makings of a classic matchup between two evenly matched teams
Unfortunately I don’t care
WILDCATS 23-21

Elon at Vanderbilt
I am a big fan of Lionel Richie….
So I will go with the Commodores in this one
BRICKHOUSE COMMODORES 33-10

Buffalo at Pittsburgh
I was hoping I would get a chance to see this game….
But I have to rearrange my sock drawer.
It’s a scheduling conflict
PANTHERS 38-10

South Dakota at Air Force
I have never seen the Air Force bomb Coyotes…
But I suppose anything is possible…
MIGHTY FALCONS 33-14

Charleston Southern at Central Florida
This game will have Buccaneers and Golden Knights…
Sounds like a party at Elton John’s house
O’ SO GOLDEN KNIGHTS 41-10

Howard at Eastern Michigan
I don’t care if Howard is crazy enough to ride a Bison..
Those Eagles are going to whip his Buffalo riding ass
EAGLES 33-10

Louisiana Lafayette at Oklahoma State
I think the Prairie Wind is going to touch the Cajuns in the naughty place..
And it’s going to hurt, a lot.
COWBOYS! 53-10

Ohio at New Mexico State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
Lasso Larry turns up the heat in the desert for the Cool Cats of Ohio
(Thought that one up myself)
LASSO LARRY 23-21

Colorado at Hawaii
Much like me you probably only have one question concerning this game in Hawaii…
When is Dog the Bounty Hunter’s new season premiering on the A&E Network?
BUFFALOS 31-17

Middle Tennessee at Purdue
I was planning on watching this game and then I realized….
It comes on at the same time as the Cosby Kids and Fat Albert marathon on TV Land.
Heeey Heeey Heeey I can’t watch this game…..Fat Albert’s on!
BOILERMAKERS 28-20

Marist at Sacred Heart
I am infuriated that the Pioneers think their heart is somehow more “sacred” than anyone else’s.
That kind of arrogance disgusts me.
Not that it matters, that Marist is a Fox.
RED FOXES 23-21

Army at Northern Illinois
Each year I start out picking West Point to win and they lose…
Then I pick them to lose and they win…
Here we go again…
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-17

Texas State at Texas Tech
The Red Raiders mascot “The Masked Rider” rides “Red Raider” around the stadium each time they score. Before this one is over they may need a “stunt” horse.
GET THOSE GUNS UP! RED RAIDERS! 106-0

Chattanooga at Nebraska
The Boy’s from Chattanooga….
Are going to feel like they were run over by the Chattanooga Choo Choo before this one is over
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 44-0

Lafayette at North Dakota State
I understand that the NCAA is wanting the “Bison” of North Dakota State to change their mascot too. It has been reported that a Bison in Montana is “offended” by the assertion that all Bison come from South Dakota.
(Don’t laugh, it makes about as much sense as the NCAA stance on American Indian mascots)
MIGHTY BUFFALO 23-10

Furman at Coastal Carolina
Maybe it’s just me….
But “Chanticleers” sounds like something that requires a shot of penicillin.
CHEWBACCA 31-17

South Florida at Notre Dame
Don’t be surprised if this game goes “the other way”
FIGHTING IRISH 33-28

San Jose at Stanford
Do you know the way to “San Jose”?
Yeah, it’s over there next to a sign that says “Free Ass Whipping Here for Jose”
CARDINAL 41-10

Missouri State at Arkansas
Before MO’s Bears hear “And the Rockets’ Red Glare..”
They will be down three touchdowns….
HAWGS 77-0

Florida Atlantic at Florida
You have to wonder how wise an Owl really is for scheduling this game with the Mighty Gators
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Idaho State at Washington State
I would rather be horribly ravaged by wild gorillas than watch this game
COUGARS 10-6

Stony Brook at Texas El Paso
Two points to make in the game…
One: Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg Tennessee is a great place to visit and relax.
(Before you ask, yes that was a shameless plug)
Two: El Paso is a not so great place to visit and relax.
That is unless you like scorching heat, gang violence and illegal aliens.
I hope this helped..
MINERS 31-14

Minnesota at Southern California
I am afraid the O’ So Golden Gophers have bitten off more than they can gnaw in this one
TROJANS 43-14

Colorado State at New Mexico
I can’t watch this game…..
The E! True Hollywood Story of “Slim Whitman” is on at the same time…
He’s a legend
RAMS 31-17

Fresno State at California
I was planning on watching this “great” game featuring all things California…
But I intend on giving myself a concussion with a claw hammer until…
I no can watch PAC 10 or 12 football good no more….
GOLDEN GRAM BEARS 6-3

Sunday September 4th

Marshall at West Virginia
The “Friends of Coal Bowl” comes early this year….
Make no mistake about it, there is enough hate in this one to last all season
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

Southern Methodist at Texas A&M
My Poor Ponies…..
I wish I had better news…
But this game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton in a string bikini..
Sorry for the visual…
If it’s any consolation, it made me sick too
GIG EM AGGIES 44-17

Monday September 5th

Miami at Maryland
Since the Canes only have six players eligible for this game I will go with the….
FIGHTING LINOLEUM KITCHEN FLOOR 23-21

SPECIAL PICK OF THE WEEK

Saturday September 3rd

Tennessee Tech at Iowa
This time of the season I always make some smart ass comment about the Hawkeyes mascot, etc
Not this year…..

This pick is for Iowa native Petty Officer Jon T. “JT” Tumilson United States Navy SEAL and his faithful dog Hawkeye. A Damn good man and a damn fine dog.
HAWKEYES 44-10

Enjoy your games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

The older I get the more I seem to lose

I have lost most of my hair and somehow gained it on my ears, which continues to baffle me

And I have lost friends and childhood legends.

This past year we lost Jack Tatum, George Blanda and Dandy Don Meredith

And recently the Great Bubba Smith

Regardless of how old they got…
I will always remember them through my younger eyes.

The Legends of the Fall.

I never had the opportunity to tell them how much I appreciated them and what they meant to me

With this College Football Season upon us I want to take the time to talk about one person.

College Football Saturday’s would not be the same without Coach Lee Corso.

Coach Lee Corso has spent over half a century in College Football

He started out as the quarterback of the Florida State Seminoles and he was known as the “Sunshine Scooter”

His running back at the time was Burt Reynolds

Coach Corso is fond of saying that was the best looking backfield in the history of college football. I don’t know much about that, but I do know that during his time at Florida State Coach Corso led the Seminoles in rushing and total offense and interceptions as a defensive back.

In fact his interception record stood at Florida State for almost twenty years.

He has coached football at several universities but most of us know him from seeing him Saturday mornings on ESPN’s College Game Day.

His enthusiasm on College Football Saturday’s is infectious

Between Coach Lee’s football insight, witticisms and the occasional “Not So Fast my Friend” there is the final segment on ESPN College Game Day when he makes his selection of who he thinks will win the “Game of the Day” by placing the team’s mascots head gear on his head as he begins to chant the teams fight song.

Most of us wait all morning to see that five minute segment

There is nothing like it…
and it doesn’t matter if you agree with Coach or disagree, we all watch him and we all love it.

He has battled back from a stroke to be with us on ESPN College Game Day and he recently won an award for his contribution to college football.

You deserved it Coach.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I don’t know if he will read this, I certainly hope he does.

I didn’t want the season to start without telling him that I love him and appreciate him

Have a Great season Coach, College Football Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s your ole boy Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer country right here in Baneberry Tennessee!

Not only am I a bringing yawl the “Big Orange Report”…….
But I got me an “All Access” pass behind the scenes with Coach Derek Drooley!

Hell Yeah!

The BIG Orange Report

I was going to name this the “All Orange” report but then that Mister Wizard said I couldn’t do it cause it may confuse folks cause there is other “orange” teams. Then I was a wanting to argue that there is only One Orange and that’s the BIG Orange and then he give me this to watch…..
Cause he says Auburn is orange too…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now you know why I don’t tailgate with any of them auburn fans.
They ain’t sophisticated like us Tennessee Volunteers!
Mountain Dew and a damn lizard ain’t good tailgating food!
There wasn’t a beer to be seen in that whole damn thing!

Let’s get to the Big Orange Report before I throwed up from that video

The 2011 Volunteers is bigger, faster and smarter than they was last year.
And even though we got the toughest schedule in the whole nation with games against…

LSU (Now that we learned to count to “11” this year, yawl is going to lose)
Florida (Damn Gators)
Alabama (Damn them all)
Arkansas (I think them Hog hats look stupid)
Georgia (I hate everyone of yawl)
South Carolina (Colonel Sanders called he wants his mascot back)
Vanderbilt (Them smart kids are going to get a ass whopping)
Kentucky (I guarantee a win here)

Then our out of conference schedule get’s even worse with games against..

Middle Tennessee State (Which like a “rival” game)
Montana (They is called the Grizzlies for a reason, their cheerleaders look like bears)
The we got games against two NFL teams and I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone scheduled the Volunteers to play Cincinnati and Buffalo.
Don’t worry we ain’t scared.
We going to win them games too.
You can bet your Slim Jim on it!

Here is my prediction for the season.
Hold on to your seat, this one is going to be a shocker!

The Tennessee Volunteers are going to undefeated this year, win the SEC Championship and be in the BCS Championship game and make the NFL playoffs after they whoop Cincinnati and Buffalo.

It’s Football Time in Tennessee so get ready!

All Access with Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley

As the Biggest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity to follow Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley around practice for a day and set in the front row when Coach Drooley talked to the media folks (Like me)

He even let me take some pictures and I am fixing to show them to you.
It was an awesome day!

Let me tell you what I learned about Coach Drooley….
He is sharp as a damn tack…
During practice he keeps his eyes on everything and he don’t miss nothing!

He even spotted some dog do-do on the football field before somebody stepped in it

I bet Smokey slipped off down there and did his business on the practice field

He showed them Boys how to do a push-up too cause most of them don’t know nothing like that

After looking at this picture again….I might have these things out of order….
This might have been about the time Coach Drooley spotted the dog do-do.

Coach Drooley is a “coach” and teacher….
He takes time with them players like nothing I ever seen before!
Like during the media conference Coach Drooley was a telling them folks in the audience how he shows them boys “how to hold a hamburger”

And how to hold one of them cell phones when you is talking on it

And Coach has ALWAYS been a caring person like that with his players.
He showed me this picture in his office when he was coaching at Louisiana Tech about a kicker that he had that was cross-eyed as a Siamese cat and couldn’t hit the uprights to save his life.

Well before that ole boy would go out there to kick…..
Coach Drooley would start reminding him what the goal post looked like and where to kick the ball

And guess what?
After 116 tries that kicker done split the uprights and got him an extra point! I call that Coaching!

I got to run, the wife is a hollering about something…
I am a going to be back after the first game with some of my “insight” into the games and a surprise or two for yawl! So hang on and get ready for the Damn VOLS!

GO VOLS!
Hootie-Out!

I present your last and final installment of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza for your viewing pleasure.

It’s a shame our boys and girls overseas can’t read about college football on the CFB Wizard.

I guess that’s supposed to make us all safer, right?

Enjoy…

FAMOUS COACH’S QUOTE

“Listen; does your boy know how to work? Try to teach him to work, to sacrifice, to fight. He better learn now, because he’s going to have to do it someday. I mean, some morning when you’ve been out of school twenty years and you wake up and your house has burned down and your mother is in the hospital and the kids are all sick and you’ve overdrawn at the bank and your wife has run off with the drummer, what are you going to do? Throw in?”

Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant
The University Of Alabama

COLLEGE FOOTBALLTEAM NEWS

NORTH CAROLINA: New Tar Heel Coach “not important enough to remember your name” has stated recently that “the team is on the right track and everything is falling into place.”

EDITORS NOTE: As your college football interpreter this is what the above actually means…

“None of the players has gotten into trouble so far and I hope I can keep my job after the NCAA completes the ultimate destruction of the North Carolina football program”

NORTH DAKOTA: Stop me if you have heard this one before….
The Politically Correct Police at the NCAA are attempting to usurp the authority of the North Dakota State Government and impose their will upon the University of North Dakota “Fighting Sioux”.
Why you may ask?

Because the NCAA “has deemed the Fighting Sioux mascot hostile and abusive”

Meanwhile the North Dakota Legislature passed a bill requiring the University to keep their current name and Governor Jack Dalrymple signed House Bill 1263 into law this year.

The NCAA is standing firm on their diversity high ground and is telling the Governor and the Legislature of a sovereign state of this country that they must reverse this law or the University of North Dakota will face harsh penalties from the “volunteer organization” known as the NCAA. The Big Sky Conference which North Dakota is a part of is also being threatened by the NCAA thought police too, if they keep the “Fighting Sioux” in their conference.

EDITORS NOTE: My discussion of secession from the NCAA, doesn’t seem like such a bad idea now, does it? I know, I’m a pioneer

WEST VIRGINIA: One time coach in “waiting” that is no longer waiting Dana Holgorsen has taken over as the Mountaineer Head Football Coach since athletic director Oliver “Did you know my son plays at Stanford?” Luck forced loyal West Virginia native Coach Bill Stewart to resign a year ahead of schedule.

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Athletic Director Oliver Luck got his lessons in “Loyalty” and “Honesty” from former Mountaineer Coach Rich Rodriguez.

IOWA: The Hawkeyes and their fans are known for always playing hard and exhibiting good sportsmanship, as well as having an amazing memory for all things Hawkeye Football.

Let the animosity begin

OHIO STATE: As the Mighty Buckeye Nation awaits its fate at the hands of the NCAA executioner I want to remind them all; even if you’re not a Fickell’d Fan this year, get behind the new coach and support the team.

EDITORS NOTE: I’m serious…..
I can do these puns all day..

IDAHO: Anytime I hear anything about Idaho….
I am reminded of a girl named Ida I went to high school with….
She had a rather “questionable” reputation

TEXAS A&M: The Aggies were not invited to join the Southeastern Conference and are now looking at a rather ugly divorce from the Big 12 Conference. This is causing consternation throughout the Republic of Texas reaching all the way to the Texas Legislature and Governor Rick Perry. This story isn’t going away anytime soon….

EDITORS NOTE: Can’t we all just get along?

FLORIDA: Have you noticed that no one is talking about the Mighty Gators?
Don’t worry, they will be….

OREGON: I Know….
Coach Chip Kelly has “Ducked” a number of issues related to the NCAA investigation of the football program, but I have an unrelated question.

Now that the Oregon State Police have released the video related to Cliff Harris’s traffic stop.

You remember that, don’t you?
Cliff Harris was stopped for doing 118 miles an hour on June 12th in a rental car that was registered to an Oregon university employee.
What you may not know is on the police camera and subsequent audio…..
The Highway Patrol Officer asked Cliff “where is the marijuana” because the office smelled it coming from the car. Would you like to know what Cliff Harris’s response was to the officer?
“We smoked it all”

I guess the University of Oregon also failed to mention “star” Quarterback Darren Thomas was in the passenger seat. Oops….

When Coach Chip Kelly was asked about the latest turn of events with the release of the State Police video, Chip said “He wasn’t aware of that, but he would look into it.”

Funny….
Because I thought Coach Chip Kelly already said he was ‘Looking into all the facts before making a decision” the day AFTER this incident happened.

To say nothing of the University of (NIKE) Oregon’s inability to administer a urinalysis test for the student-athletes in this case.

And as you might imagine….
Both players are still on the Oregon Football team…..

Surprised?

EDITORS NOTE: Somewhere Phil Fulmer is saying…..
“Chip! That’s my Boy!”

MIAMI: If even half of the allegations I have heard concerning the Hurricane Football program are true then things are going to get really ugly in South Florida.

How ugly you might ask?

When the NCAA get’s finished with the Hurricanes….

It’s going to be uglier than Wynona Judd in a string bikini.

EDITORS NOTE: I threw-up a little bit when I typed that one…

MICHIGAN: With a new Coach and a “new” attitude in Ann Arbor this year, the Wolverines also have a “new” Battle Cry this year to carry them into the 2011 college football season.

Michigan Wolverines: “We are Fabulous”

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if that was their first choice for a “Battle Cry”

LSU: The Mighty Bayou Bengal’s were put on probation this year by the NCAA and lost some scholarships in the process because they said some student-athletes had received “impermissible benefits”.

Wow that sounds serious!

I have a question for the NCAA…
When did the NCAA “get permission” to sell the student-athletes “likenesses” to EA Sports and Sony for MILLIONS of DOLLARS for their video football games?
So, that’s ok?

GEORGIA TECH: Let me be sure I understand this correctly….
The NCAA hammered the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets because the Athletic Director “told” his football coach (Who happens to be his employee) that the NCAA was investigating “suspected” improper benefits being received by a few of the student athletes on the football team.

That makes sense right?
To tell your “employee” to look into a potential or suspected problem before it becomes serious.

Well that’s NOT how the NCAA works boys and girls….

They hit the Rambling Wreck with even more sanctions because….
“The athletic director disobeyed the NCAA Investigators”

EDITORS NOTE: If the NCAA is going to treat Athletic Directors like they are six years old why don’t they punish them for not getting to bed on time too?

My Friends it’s time to secede from the NCAA…..

NCAA: I have just one more question for the folks in Indianapolis ….
When you become an employee of the NCAA Enforcement Committee, do they supply you with the Nazi uniform or do you have to buy it yourself?
I’m just asking…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Speaking of NCAA Enforcement….
Why aren’t they on the Southern California Trojan Campus talking to Lane Kiffin?
It was just a few months ago that drunken “star” running back Marc Tyler told TMZ that
“Southern California Trojans pays its players”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Lane Kiffin said it was “all a big joke”

Maybe I have that quote wrong….

I think Lane was referring to himself as being a Head Football Coach…

Sorry for the confusion

CLEMSON: The below is an actual article, because you can’t make this stuff up…..

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (AP) — Clemson’s athletic department reported 12 NCAA secondary violations, including two athletes repaying their portion of a hotel room paid for by a former teammate’s agent.

In addition, an internal audit found that athletes living off campus received about $1 more than they should have in their housing allowance.

The violations were reported Friday, and occurred between February and July 15. Clemson’s athletic department releases NCAA violations twice a year through open records requests from The Associated Press and other media outlets.

The reports did not include the names of the athletes or the sports involved. The infractions are all considered secondary, the least serious NCAA classification.

Among the violations was one that occurred in March when a Clemson coach overheard players discussing their spring break trip to Miami and visiting former teammates training there. The athletic department’s compliance department later found out that two athletes stayed in a hotel room paid for by the former teammate’s agent at a cost of $379 plus tax per night.

The two were made to pay back their share of the bill, donating $76 each to charity.

The audit found out that Clemson athletes living away from campus received $1 to $2 more than they should have. All were declared ineligible but will have their status restored when they pay back the nominal fee.

Other infractions included a coach allowing a prospective student athlete to shadow him for a day in February. The violation was discovered when the coach took the young person to show him the compliance office. The coach was given a refresher on NCAA rules.

The NCAA found a Clemson prospect participated in organized competition past the one-year grace period given after high school graduation. The athlete was declared ineligible and was reinstated by the NCAA.

Also, the NCAA discovered a Clemson prospect was paid for playing in organized competition. He had his eligibility reinstated on the conditions that he would be charged a season of competition and repay the cost of the impermissible benefit, $333, to a local charity.

Another prospect recruited by Clemson was found by the NCAA to have played five games as a professional. The prospect’s eligibility will be restored if the recruit sits out next season.

In another instance, a prospect heading for an official visit to Clemson had their car break down and called a coach for help because there was a toddler in the vehicle. Clemson’s compliance office called the Atlantic Coast Conference office and, after consulting with the NCAA enforcement staff, was allowed to let a non-coaching staff employee pick the family about 5 miles away in Pendleton. The prospect was asked to pay back $2.66 in mileage costs.

EDITORS NOTE: Let me be sure I have this right…..
Some Clemson athletes received between $1.00 and $2.00 dollars more than they should have while living away from Campus? And if they don’t pay the money back they will be ruled ineligible by the NCAA?

Wow…..
If the NCAA is that serious over one or two dollars, then the folks in Auburn must be getting really nervous, can I get an “In Cam we Trust”?

OKLAHOMA: Sooner fans are known to be passionate…..

If given the opportunity they will hate you 365 days of the year, including Christmas.

UTAH: In case you were wondering…

These two Utes are doing it wrong….

SOUTH CAROLINA: Coach Steve recently said he thinks the University of Alabama gets preferential treatment from ESPN in its coverage of the Crimson Tide.
I know it must be tough on you coach Steve….
There was a time that you were the best coach in the Southeastern Conference….
Now you aren’t even the best football coach in the SEC Eastern Division….
That must really hurt your pride

So I have an idea…..
Why don’t you just coach the University of South Carolina and worry about that?

EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Sir,
I am General Beauregard T. Thistleballs, Commanding Officer of the 69th Regimental Electronics Enterprise (REE), of the 13th Tactical Aerial Reconnaissance Division (TARD). I am highly outraged, offended, and bitter at the latest diatribe and tasteless drivel that you have spewed on your website. This simply further reinforces our decision to block your heinous website from the young, impressionable, innocent troops here in theatre.

For your information, the following is the reasoning for the blockage. On numerous occasions you have espoused disorder, chaos, and insurrection on your website. Case in point: You called for the secession of the SEC from the NCAA. We cannot have those types of thoughts floating around in the heads of these young people. We need to coddle and teach these youngsters to be nice and inclusive to everyone. But the worst consequences of your uncompassionate rants and baseless attacks are that YOU sir, have hurt the feelings of countless soldiers. I don’t know if you realize it, but, the US Army is a bastion young people from all over the country. Most prevalent are those with University of Southern California, University of Tennessee, Ohio State University, and Auburn University ties. I can’t count the number of times that I have walked into a shower stall only two discover two soldiers holding, caressing, and consoling each other after they finished reading one of your brazen articles. I don’t know how many times my Sergeant Major has come to me and told me that the soldiers just don’t want to go outside the wire and do their jobs because they read an article taunting their Spartan, Tiger, or Volunteer backgrounds.

Sir, I want you to know that here at the 13th Fighting TARDS, we VALUE diversity!!! Something you wouldn’t understand given your callous and homophobic remarks week after week. We welcomed and urged young men and women to “come out of the closet”, so to speak. We begged them to step up and smell the beautiful flower of openness. But that is not what you’re agenda is about. You wouldn’t know political correctness if it slapped you on your ruddy, cherubic cheeks. If I could, I’d turn you over my knee and spank your supple, round, firm buttocks until they were of a splendidly pink aura. And then….

Well, you get the picture. Your website will never be allowed in theatre again. I have put my foot down (and broke a heel doing it!!!). We DO take care of our troops, contrary to what you think. As long as it is in my power to create and shape these young minds, then shows like Barney, Les Miserables, and many others will be available for them to watch. But, don’t be alarmed Mr “Wizard”. You’re not the only one who has faced my wrath. On the local Armed Forces Radio Network we have replaced prime time programming with the Elton John Tribute hour and the Rod Stewart greatest hits ensemble, and the “Best of” Liberace show. We are currently working on a show and format for Madonna.

As you can see, this well thought out, politically correct and well meaning decision is best for all.

Militarily,
Beauregard T. Thistleballs,
General
United States Army
REE/TARDS
USC ‘69

THE BEST and WORST of COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Worst Celebration Ritual: University of Pittsburgh
Former Pittsburgh Panther Head Football Coach Mike Haywood “celebrating” his promotion as the head football coach of the University of Pittsburgh by getting liquored up and whipping his wife’s ass. Classy…………..

Worst College Football Pregame Program:
(Tie) CBS College Sports and ABC
The CBS College Football Game Day studio has the most diverse group of talking heads on television.
It’s like Sesame Street without the cute furry characters.

This is what you will see on any given Saturday in the CBS College Football Pre-game Studio….
“Former” coach and current college football “analyst” Phil Fulmer setting in a corner with the remnants of a jelly donut on his face looking like he just got fired (again)….

While Archie Manning is rifling through pictures in his wallet and asking if anyone wants to see pictures of Peyton and Eli naked in a bathtub together.
Unfortunately both “boys” were in their twenties when the photos were taken.

Then there is Spencer Tillman who looks like a Little Richard Impersonator….
I half expect him to break into “Good Golly Miss Molly” before every telecast…

What can you say about ABC College Football with John Saunders…..
He puts the “dumb” in “ass”….

Best College Football Pregame Program: ESPN College Game Day

“We are coming to your city…”

The ESPN College Game Day Opens with a bang courtesy of Big and Rich and Cowboy Troy and it only gets better from there…..

Chris, Desmond, Kirk and the Great Coach Lee Corso round out the ESPN Game Day program located on the campus of the ESPN /ABC College Football Game of the Week.

There is no better way to start a College Football Game Day – Period.

During the one hour program you get the college football picks of the day from the group and an occasional “Not So Fast!” from Coach Lee Corso as the “Coach” disagrees over a particular selection.

There is insight into many of the games….
Interviews…
And at the end of the program….

Coach Lee Corso will make his pick on the game of the day by selecting a team’s mascots head gear to wear, often times followed by the singing of the teams fight song or familiar chant.

If you have never seen it, then you don’t know what you are missing.

EDITORS NOTE: And as a side note….
I will have something special for Coach Lee Corso before the start of this season.
So stay tuned….

Best Gatorade Commercial you will never see on Television

Come to think of it…
There may be a very good reason this isn’t on television.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Worst Fan Display of Team Pride: Ohio State Buckeyes

There is a proper time and place to show pride in your respective College or University
The below picture is neither the time nor the place ……

Best Walk-On Story of the Season: Minnesota Golden Gophers

The Golden Gophers have a walk-on to their football program this year.
That in itself isn’t any news….
But this one is different…

He is a Marine….
His name is Curran Delany
If the Coach doesn’t give him a chance to play I am going to be on him like Golden on a Gopher

Creepiest Mascot in Major College Football: Brigham Young Cougars

I think this simple picture says it all….

Dumbest Question from a Division I Coach: Auburn University

At the recent Southeastern Conference Media Days Auburn coach Gene Chizik asked NCAA Enforcement Director Julie Roe Lach in a room full of coaches and media “if the NCAA was finished with the Investigation of Auburn University and Cam Newton”

Ms Julie Roe Lach replied….

“You will know when we are done”

EDITORS NOTE: I think the only thing missing at the end of that statement was…
“Dumbass”

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

This time of the year……
College Football teams and their respective fans and alumni are filled with dreams of grandeur
and visions of Championships and Victories won are all the talk of “what could be the year”

But we all know differently, don’t we?

Some have it, and some don’t.

Then there is “fate”
A penalty at the wrong time and place….
A key injury….
And your dreams of an undefeated season and the shot at the Championship….
Are Gone

But we won’t factor fate into this equation, not yet anyway.

Some College Football Teams have a legitimate chance and others don’t.
That’s why you are here, enjoy.

CONTENDERS

OKLAHOMA: The Best Sooners Team in the Coach Bob Stoops era….
They are scary good……

TEXAS CHRISTIAN:The Horned Frogs “should have” played for the National Championship last year and they have a chip on their shoulder this year with something to prove.

WISCONSIN: The Badgers are big and fast and they are from the Land of Cheese Whiz
Enough said…

CLEMSON: All the elements are in place at the Home of Howard’s Rock to make a legitimate run at the ACC Title and with a little luck, the possibilities are endless.

OKLAHOMA STATE: Despite having the most de-motivating entrance in all of college football
“Where has the Prairie Wind Touched You”
The Cowboys have the most all round potent offense in college football.
If they can spell “defense” this year, they have a chance to win it all and ruin the Sooners season.

LSU: The Mighty Bayou Bengals of LSU are stronger and faster than ever and they have the depth to make a serious run at the National Championship if Les Miles can keep his eye on the game clock.

FLORIDA STATE: Coach Fisher has the Seminoles poised to win the ACC Championship..
Their shot at the National Championship will be decided on September 17th when they square off against the Mighty Oklahoma Sooners in Tallahassee.

TEXAS: Don’t count out the Mighty Longhorns just yet…
I have a feeling……….
(That I am pretty sure is not caused from dollar Margarita night and ill prepared Mexican food.)
That the Longhorns will be in the Championship mix before the season is over….

BOISE STATE: The Blue Bronco’s of Boise will have a chance to prove if they are for real when they face the Georgia Bulldogs “between the hedges” on September 3rd.

STANFORD: Despite the fact they don’t play anybody of note and their out of conference schedule is laughable, they are in fact a good football team.

NEBRASKA: The Black Shirts are Back, But in a different Conference…
They will play for the Big Ten (Actually twelve) Conference Championship this year
Believe it

ARKANSAS: The Best Team in the Country that nobody is talking about….

ALABAMA: Because I said so…

PRETENDERS

The Ivy League: Seriously? They still play football there?
I thought they were more into “social change” and “diversity” than athletics.

And as a side note: Their marching bands suck too.

Utah State: I have seen better athletes at a Midget Mud Wrestling event than the Aggies have on their entire football team. And before you ask…
On the advice of my attorney I will not discuss the events of that particular evening in this forum

Rutgers: There is some good news and some bad news here….
The Good news is the Scarlett Knights are the best College Football team in New Jersey…
The Bad news is they are the only college football team in New Jersey

Tulane: Other than having a lousy football team…..
I can’t imagine why the Green Wave made the list.

Duke: Most students at Duke are blissfully unaware that the Blue Devils even have a football program, enough said.

Southern California: If you wonder why the “mighty” Trojans are on this list, then I have two words for you…. “Lane Kiffin”

Notre Dame: There is some good news and some “not” so good news
You are not going to suck as bad as you did last year….
But you will still disappoint a delusional fan base that is under the misguided impression that just because of who you are that you are entitled to be in the Top Ten and play in a top tier Bowl game every single year for eternity.

Michigan: (Wolverines please see “Notre Dame” above)

Oregon: The Quacks are on this list because…
Coach Kelly “pretends” he doesn’t have a disciple problem on the football team.

Miami: With all the rumor and innuendo surrounding the Hurricane Football Program..
And considering all the possibilities and ramifications of the NCAA Investigation….
There is but one thing that comes to mind….
I would like to quote the greatest of all urban philosophers M.C. Hammer…
When he said….
“It’s Hammer Time”

North Carolina: Let’s face it….You’re Screwed

NCAA: The jackbooted Nazi’s of the NCAA made this list because they “pretend” to be a “volunteer organization” that is a 501 C3 that is a “non profit” and “tax exempt” organization.

EDITORS NOTE: How can you make so much damn money (In the Billions and Billions) you can declare yourself a “non profit”? And why don’t they have to pay taxes?

Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

Atlantic Coast Conference (ACC)
Virginia Tech and Georgia Tech will be in the mix and Clemson has a legitimate shot at the conference crown, but the Seminoles of Florida State will win the ACC Title this year.

Big Ten (actually Twelve)
Nebraska and Wisconsin will meet for the second time at the end of the season to decide the championship of the conference. But I wouldn’t rule out a late run by the Ohio State Buckeyes or Joe Pa’s Nittany Lions.
My guess is the boys from Madison Wisconsin will win it all in the conference this year.

Big 12 (actually Ten)
The Mighty Oklahoma Sooners are looking like a championship team, but Oklahoma State, Texas and the disgruntled Aggies of Texas A&M are closer in the rearview mirror than they may appear.

Big East:
Since The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian won’t “officially” be in the Big East until next season I won’t pick them to win the conference title this year (But they would)
With that being said I am going for a pick that will surprise you.
No, not the Cincinnati Bearkats…
The Louisville Cardinals……
Believe it

MAC
Mac Whack Paddy Whack give a Dog a Bone Conference….
I am going with the University that is known as the “cradle of coaches”
The Miami of Ohio

Conference USA
I wish I could pick my SMU Mustangs to win the conference this year….
But it’s not going to happen
I am going with the Cougars from Houston to take the Crown in Conference USA

PAC 10 (actually Twelve)
Utah and their two Utes “may” be the surprise team in the conference this year with Arizona State, Oregon State and Washington potentially in the mix for the conference title as well.
My Pick: The Stanford Cardinal will win the “whatever the hell they named it” conference championship this year.

Sun Belt Conference
One question for the Sun Belt Conference….
Is the “Sun Belt” like a Bible belt with a flashlight attached to it?
I’m just asking…

The North Texas Mean Green from Denton Texas will win the Bible belt with optional Flashlight Attachment Conference Title this year.

Mountain West
There are two fine teams in this conference, soon to be limited to “one” fine team next year.
I will pick the Mighty Horned Frogs of TCU over the Boise State Broncos to win the Crown.

Western Athletic Conference
The Western Athletic Conference, also known as “the WAC” wait let me stop for a moment.
Whitney Houston said “Crack is WAC”
Does that mean illegal drugs are tolerated in this conference?
I am appalled…
For that reason alone…..
I am picking the Nevada Wolfpack to win the drug induced den of sin Conference title

Independent
Brigham Young will make a bid for the “Independent Title”, but frankly I am still not over how creepy their mascot looked holding that small child. So I will go with…

Anchors Away………..

The Midshipmen of the United States Naval Academy

Southeastern Conference (SEC)
I think the South Carolina Gamecocks will win the SEC Eastern Title (but not by much) and they will have to fight the Tennessee Volunteers, Georgia Bulldogs and the Florida Gators for it.
But remember this…….
“IF” the Gamecocks do win the East they will limp into the Title game in Atlanta with at least three losses, believe it.

The SEC West is going to be a fight….
Mississippi State, Arkansas and Auburn all feel like they have something to prove….
Then there are the LSU Tigers and the Alabama Crimson Tide

My guess is the Alabama Crimson Tide will roll into Atlanta as the winners of the West.

Who will win the SEC Championship?

The Alabama Crimson Tide

Because I said so, that’s why

There is a lot more to come before opening Kickoff…
So stay tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

A rather disturbing issue has been brought to my attention that I think you should all be aware of.

Our Boys and Girls in Iraq and Afghanistan are no longer able to read the “CFB Wizard” overseas.

Now why is that?

The College Football Wizard isn’t a “social networking or lifestyle” website

It isn’t provocative or display’s any images that would deemed to be inappropriate

There are no pictures of scantily clad women or men on the website

There isn’t any nasty language used in any articles either.

There are no “states secrets” that are released on code or on the open net to our boys and girls

So why can’t our boys and girls enjoy reading about college football on the CFB Wizard overseas?

Your guess is as good as mine

The screen shot said the site is banned because it has to do with….

“Sports”

O’ My GOD, NOT that!

But here is the unvarnished truth

It could be in this “politically correct” world run amuck (including our military)
That the “powers to be” have lost their damn minds.

Is it because College Football is “offensive” to Muslims, is that why it can’t be read overseas?
Because those of us who have served in those theaters can agree, we just can’t kiss their ass’s enough to suit them. So why not deprive our fighting men and women the ability to read about the upcoming games in college football, as long as Abdul is happy with his pedophilia Thursday’s, am I right?

Perhaps college football isn’t “gay enough” for the current military leadership?
Would it help if I had an introduction by George Michael and “WHAM” in the next column?

EDITORS NOTE: Not going to happen….

Could it be that I am “banned” because each December I utter those most despicable words known to all card carrying members of the “politically correct” military? Come on say it with me…
“Merry Christmas”

Maybe the College Football Wizard is banned because in the “new” everybody is offended by everything all the time society we currently live in, that my writing is “too harsh” and “insensitive”?

EDITORS NOTE: Ah does the General need a hug?

Could it be that those in power are so disconnected to those military boys and girls doing the actual work that they either don’t care or could care less about what they are interested in?

Maybe those Generals and their Colonels are just too busy writing themselves up for Bronze Stars to notice, maybe that’s it.

EDITORS NOTE: I’m sorry, did that hit a little too close to home?

If this sounds like I am angry, I am.

And it’s not personal, I assure you.

But if you want to read the truth, here it is….

We ask our boys and girls to leave the United States and go into a hostile theater for a year or more.

Tour after Tour after Tour for over ten damn years….

They leave family and friends

They lose family and friends

Some are wounded and Some die

But they ALL pay a price….

All for the sake of our freedom.

But they can’t enjoy reading about college football because some gibbering jackass despot says so.

So what are we fighting for?

Our troops can’t read anything about “sports”?

That doesn’t sound like freedom to me

Yes, I am mad and you should be too.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As promised….
The second installment of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza for your viewing pleasure.
Let the countdown begin…

Kickoff is right around the corner

Enjoy….

How to Make College Football Better….

We all dearly love our college football.
Regardless of the size of the school or size of the stadium there is nothing like the passion, pageantry and the excitement of a college football game.
I want to assure you all that I am not talking about rule changes to our beloved game here, like the National Football League does each and every season. Their brand of football is closer to “two hand touch” in most instances than anything resembling our beloved game of football.

What I am referring to are those elements, those intangible things and “not so” intangible things that will make our college football more enjoyable and will preserve the integrity of the game we love for generations.

MASCOTS
Universities and Colleges need to stop bowing at the NCAA altar of political correctness and changing their mascots to suit some fringe group of gibbering idiots because they “get their feelings hurt” or are “offended” by a particular mascot. The same rule applies to some liberal limp wristed alumni who want to change their schools mascot. If you don’t like the tradition of your university or college then how about this for an idea, don’t send them any money and stop supporting their sports programs.
Problem solved.

Instead we have some isolated wimpy alumni and administration officials in the case of New Mexico State University, who held hands and cried crocodile tears together and they changed their long time mascot “Pistol Pete” into “Lasso Larry”. Because, according to the university administration “having a mascot with a foam rubber gun sends the wrong message.”

EDITORS NOTE: Having a university mascot with a foam rubber gun doesn’t make people violent; changing their damn mascot makes people potentially violent. Got it?

And then to add insult to injury, New Mexico State University PAID an “artist” fifty thousand dollars (yes, that’s $50,000.00 DOLLARS) to design the “new” Lasso Larry mascot uniform.

EDITORS NOTE: Yeah, that was money well spent.
But if it makes you feel any better, the mentally challenged butt monkey’s that run Ole Miss paid a lot more than that for the “design” of their “new” dumbass mascot’s uniform.

TRADITIONS
It is inconceivable to me why universities decide after decades of a tradition or traditions to suddenly change those traditions in the “spirit of diversity” or to chase the almighty dollar.
You can say I am “old fashioned” if you want to but I prefer to think of myself as purest.
I don’t believe you should predicate the value of a college tradition based on a dollar.

Because some universities adhere to the philosophy of “Money Rules”
We no longer will have a Nebraska – Oklahoma Football Game….
That used to be the biggest game of the year….

Now days we have college teams switching conferences like most of us change our socks.

Mascots change (See Above) because Chief Juniper Stinkeye of the Hokey Pokey Tribe is “offended” and the NCAA says you have to change it or they will “punish” the offending university.
What the hell is that all about?

Some Universities have prostituted their respective programs to suit whoever their sponsor is such as the University of NIKE Oregon Ducks. Those poor saps will do whatever NIKE CEO Phil Knight wants.

Some will change their uniforms and logos….

Others will move the location of traditional games such was the case of the Iron Bowl.
I miss those games played in Birmingham “The Football Capital of the South” it used to say.

Some of the greatest games ever played were played in Legion Field in Birmingham.

And despite what you may have heard or read, Birmingham is a great town with a great football tradition and atmosphere, or at least it was.

I do miss those days…..
You can travel across this entire land and ain’t no place like Birmingham

Click here to view the embedded video.

SCORES and MORE
I think it should be illegal to show any scores other than college football scores during any college football game. The fact of the matter is IF any of us really cared about the Paraguay Bobsledding Team we would be watching that crap instead of college football.
Same goes for Major League Baseball…..
Basketball (Anything)
Hockey
Ice Skating (Which in reality is Hockey with music and without the sticks and gloves)
Soccer (Because it really isn’t a sport)
Racing of any type….to include unicycles, mopeds etc.
Track and Field Results (The only thing more boring than Track is Field)
Golf (If they had Windmills a giant plastic Gorilla and a Pirate ship on the course I might be tempted to watch it)
Tennis (Not a sport, because Frenchmen can play it)

This rule also applies to “Breaking News”
During our college football game we don’t care to hear about riots in Spain, famine in Africa, or a Ferry that turned over in India. It’s not that we are insensitive; we just don’t give a damn.

Any violation of this law should be punishable with a year of listening to nothing but Slim Whitman Albums. That would teach them a lesson.

NEXT ON…….
What is wrong with all these networks pushing their “Latest” and Greatest” television programs during a college football game? I despise the way they worm it into conversations during the game.

Steve the Announcer: “Jim that was a flagrant penalty on that play”

Jim the Announcer: “It was almost criminal the way he hit that wide receiver”

Steve the Announcer: “Speaking of criminal, a new season of “Criminal Minds” will be on Sunday Night’s seven o’clock central and eight o’clock eastern time. It promises to be a cliff hanger to start the year”

My God make it stop already!
This could easily be classified as cruel and unusual punishment by the Geneva Convention particularly if this message is delivered by ESPN’s Pam Ward.

This practice should end immediately or I would recommend sentencing the offender to spend a month in Vern Lundquest’s underwear. While he is wearing them….

WHOA NEELY!
Speaking of college football announcers…..
Where is the Great Keith Jackson when you need him?
He was and will always be the voice of college football (Amen)
Keith called the game as he saw it….
He didn’t offer his opinions or cite “What I would do here is…”
He didn’t talk to hear his own voice…
He didn’t criticize the kids or the coaches….
He just called the game, right down the middle.
Keith was and always will be a gentleman of the game of college football.

The latest crop of college football announcers are more students of Jacque Cousteau than of the Great Keith Jackson. I say this is, because most of them seem to have a snorkel hanging out of their butt, because they never seem to take a breath during the whole damn game and can’t shut the hell up for five seconds.

All “potential” college football announcers should be forced to watch every college football game Keith Jackson ever announced and then sign a release that would limit them to the number of words they could use during any college football telecast. Violating such signed agreement would result in having the announcers tongue stapled to the roof of his or her mouth for one week.

BACK TO THE STUDIO…..
College Football networks and Media Outlets pay close attention….
Believe it or not, we really don’t need ten damn people setting around in a network studio telling us the upcoming game is important. We know that already (Dumbass’s) that’s why we are watching it! And then to switch back to the studio at halftime just to hear some of the same “masters of the obvious” rehash what we already saw, is nothing short of mind numbing.
The reason I say this is….
If a team is down 28 points at halftime
Guess what?
We already KNOW they need to score more points in the second half or they are going to lose! You don’t need to tell us that jackass’s; we figured it out on our own!
Listening to that mindless dribble is an assault on the senses.

I like it the way it was “Back in the Day”…..
When the networks would show the marching bands at halftime and run the scores at the bottom of the screen. After all, those kids put just as much time into their craft as the football players do and the marching bands ARE a part of the pageantry and tradition of college football.

While I am on this subject
Why not let the players introduce themselves before the game….
They would say their name, position and hometown and what year they are in college….
It can be pre-recorded, no problem.
That was how it used to be done and it was cool.

NOW for the REPLAY
Stop spending 15 minutes and two commercials on a play that lasted .00001 second to determine if the player “actually had possession of the ball.” You don’t need to break a football play down frame by frame like the Abraham Zapruder Film to determine if “something’ happened.

Make the call and move on….

SIDELINE REPORTERS
Stop with the Tracy Wolfson’s of the college football world and her ridiculous commentaries and while we are at it, have that mole removed from her face it makes me want to throw up.

The sideline reporters should be knowledgeable of the game…
Like Holly Rowe or Erin Andrews

Those two ladies actually have insight into the game.
Unlike Tracy who was more concerned with Cammy Cam Juice last season than she was with anything else.

And don’t get me started on the fake tan bimbos in the game day studios before the game.

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, Tracy needs to get that mole removed from her face, it makes me sick. And don’t tell me you don’t stare at it too.

COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTION
Is it too much to ask to have commercials that are “appropriate” for college football game days?
I don’t want to see any of the following…

Any commercial that has anything to do with extending my “personal” business
(My personal business is just fine, thank you)

Any commercial with that Saintly older guy with a gray beard wanting me to send money to feed and clothe some little future terrorists from a third world country
(If those kids are that damn hungry why doesn’t he feed them, he is setting right next to them)

Don’t show any commercials concerning “substance abuse” during a college football game.
(We all know what we are abusing, we don’t need a tutorial)

Any commercial promoting a medicine for Diarrhea
(I do not want to be wondering if the cheese I used on the nachos had expired last month when we are going for it on fourth and one and I certainly don’t want to take the precautionary measure of wearing a leaf bag around my waist in the fourth quarter)

Under no circumstance do I want to see any commercials having anything to do with any “female products” of any kind, sort, make or model.
(This should be rather self explanatory)

Lastly, I don’t want to see any commercials on College Football Game Days with midgets.
(Enough said)

AND FINALLY…..
To make our College Football Saturday’s more enjoyable…
CBS College Football Announcer Gary Danielson should be euthanized.

PRESEASON EMAILS Q & A

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
My wife Darla and I lived our whole lives right here in Elizabethton Tennessee and we is all lifelong Tennessee Volunteer fans and you better damn well believe it.
So here’s my question.
My wife and daughter and me want to make the pilgrimage to see the Country Music Hall of Fame in Music City Tennessee, which is in Nashville in case you didn’t know.
Now I heard that when we drive to Nashville that we “lose” an hour.
Does that mean we is going back in time?
How can that be?

Herbert and Susie – Elizabethton, Tennessee

A: Yes it does Herbert, please dress appropriately for 1953

Q: Hey Dude
I’m Like a Miami Hurricane fan, right?
And I live in Miami, so I’m a Miami Hurricane Fan dude.
So anyway, right, so the other day I was smoking some of this cactus I found in my apartment and dude I was blazing it up! Anyway I have a question, hang on.
So right I was smoking this cactus right and bro it was like giving me visions right?
So I saw the Hurricanes like winning the National Championship this year and I was climbing the goal post and screaming Canes! Canes! Canes!
Dude it was like unbelievable!
So like are the Miami Hurricanes going to win the National Championship this year?

Jimmy – Miami, Florida

A: Jimmy by using the term “visions” do you actually mean “hallucinations”?
Because you are hallucinating if you think the Miami Hurricanes are going to win the ACC Championship much less the National Championship this year.

Q: Dear Sir
My Name is Jeddah and I live in Lancaster Pennsylvania.
I propose to have the first Amish strip club in the entire nation.
It’s my goal to make it as wild and crazy as possible.
Sometime during the girls routine I think they should take their modest hats off and let their hair down, I know that is outrageous!
I think there will be buggies from all over the tri-cities area here!
I am keeping it straight up 18th century!
You may think I’m crazy, but what do you think?

Jeddah – Lancaster, Pennsylvania

A: Jeddah I think…..
You are going to hell with your internet and unrestricted use of electricity.

Q: Dear Wizard
I have question, let’s say that a fictitious quarterbacks coach at a college who has a college quarterback with a “partying problem” which I personally don’t think is much of a problem because I don’t judge people.

Let’s say that this fictitious quarterbacks coach gets liquored up and fictitiously urinates in public and people see his personal business in the process and they call the police and he gets arrested.
Do you think he should be fired?

Anonymously – The University of South Carolina, Columbia South Carolina

A: I think Ole Coach Steve “Tough on Crime” Spurrier already let you off the hook.
Put the beer down for a minute and read the paper dumbass and you would know.

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
I don’t know if you can help me, but frankly I am out of ideas.

I know this doesn’t have anything to do with College Football (but it kind of does) and I have a real problem.
I am a diehard Oklahoma Sooners football fan and I am trying to stop smoking.
Last year I smoked the crap out of cigarettes (particular when we lost) and it started at the beginning of the damn season just like you said it would. Damn it.
So I am taking all this stupid stuff to get me to stop smoking.
And the side effects are worse than smoking!
So one of the side effects it mentions is headaches, right?

What the hell is that?
I have migraines out the kazoo now!
Then to make matters worse (If that’s possible)
The medicine said “I could experience muscle cramps”

Well I am drawed up like a damn flamingo with one leg up perched up underneath my ass and one arm curled under my damn arm pit! Hell I am typing this with one free arm!

So what the hell do you think I should do!!!!!

Craig – Stigler, Oklahoma

A: Craig we live in difficult times and rarely do I give medical advice in this column.
Typically that kind of advice is reserved for my other column “Turn your head and cough with Dr. Mike”. However, I would suggest drinking heavily to counteract the effects of the medication you are currently taking. At the very least your leg should drop down and your arm will relax and you should be able to urinate like a human being.

Q: Hey Wizard Man!

I know you hate the Mighty Damn War Eagles won the National Championship and we whipped yawls ass and won the Super Bowl but I got me problem.

I married a gal who her family is ALL University of Georgia Bulldog fans, you believe that?
Well they hate my ass and to tell you the truth I ain’t to found of them neither.

But here is where it gets sticky and not in a gross and disgusting kind of way, like the last party we had when I got tore up from the frame up and went streaking through the chicken house.

My Brother in Law “Big Dawg Steve”
(He got that damn nickname because he’s a Georgia Bulldog fan, get it?)
Anyways he and his wife come down here to visit us in Loachapoka Alabama, just outside of Auburn
(Hell yeah! And War Damn Eagle!)
So one thing to led to another because he “claims” I said something about them Georgia Bulldogs and how bad they suck and can’t win a damn thing and UGA is a bitch and before you know it a damn fight done broke out! Well not only did he “claim” to whip my ass, but he destroyed everything in my entire previously owned double wide trailer! TOO include my entire Franklin Mint Wizard of Oz Collection and my genuine Mickey Mouse Bedside Clock and Matching lamp purchased from none other Disney World, and it don’t get any more official than that!

So’s the insurance man come by and says my place is totaled!
He says it comes to slightly over eleven dollars worth of damage!

I hate like hell to cause a big ole family problem but I need that eleven dollars to get a new place so what do you think I should do?

War Damn Eagle!

Carl “Big Boy” – Loachapoka Alabama

A: Carl I think you need a new insurance agent and a lesson in self defense.
Those Georgia Boys all know how to fight.

Q: Sir,
I just wanted to send you a short note to clarify an incident that happened recently and how it was reported. Contrary to various news outlets reported, I was NOT hit on the sidelines at practice in an incident that caused me bodily injury.
What actually happened is that I was having a jovial moment with the boys.
We pretended that we finally beat Ohio State this year and my guys, bless their hearts, got really excited. They were so pumped up that they picked me up to simulate carrying me off the field after that glorious moment.
Well, they got a little too close to the bench, one of the linemen stumbled, and I toppled to the ground. Then the trouble really started as 5 or 6 of the guys from the defensive line fell on top of me and that’s when I was severely hurt.
I want it known that even though I’m just a bit senile and don’t move as quick as I used to, that I aim to continue to patrol the sidelines as in years past.

Sincerely,
Joe Paterno
Head Coach
Penn State University

PS Please find the attached photo of me growling like a lion at a recent practice to give my boys some added motivation

A: You’re the Man Joe Pa

Post Commentary Comment

The College Football Hall Of Fame recently inducted their class of 2011….
It included former University of Alabama Head Coach and Texas A&M “Junction Boy”
Coach Gene Stallings….

There has been no finer Coach or no finer human being in all of College Football

Congratulations Coach, you sure deserve this wonderful honor.
We miss you and your beautiful family, especially John Mark….

Click here to view the embedded video.

Next week you will have your third and Final Installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza that will answer your questions of who will win what Championships.

And maybe a surprise or two

So Stay Tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Your long wait is over.
No longer will you have to force yourself to watch Celebrity Poker or the Canadian Badminton Championships to have something “sport like” to fill your sports void.

EDITORS NOTE: Is it just me or does “Celebrity Poker” sound nasty to you too?
Sounds like a weekend at Charlie Sheen’s house to me.

You don’t have to gripe anymore about the Pennsylvania Amish Butter Churning Championship taking up your Saturday mornings on ESPN. Although I must confess, I was really cheering for Ishmael over that arrogant Abraham. Who cares if his buggy had racing stripes?

It’s time for the real deal…..
The 2011 College Football Season is finally here….

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has once again produced your Preseason Guide to all things College Football for the upcoming 2011 Season.
Why, because I care, that’s why.

Enjoy the First Installment of the 2011 College Football Preseason Extravaganza.

The CFB Wizard 2011 College Football Preseason Prognostications

Under intense personal pressure to achieve his dream of becoming “America’s next top runway model”, CBS College Football studio analyst and former University of Tennessee Football Coach Phil Fulmer will undergo gastrointestinal bypass surgery. During the operation the surgical team will find the remains of a 1974 Oldsmobile, portions of a Piper Cubs landing gear and an undigested sack of concrete mix.

Sometime during this season a host of college football networks will parade a variety of young and pretty but exceptionally dumb females on the sidelines giving them the title “sideline reporters”.
You will hear such stimulating questions as….
“Why do they call it hamburger, because there’s like not any ham in it at all, right?”
“Did the cameras catch my shoes in that last shot? I just got them and they so match this new outfit.”
“Does this microphone make me look fat?”

Despite the sudden off season coaching change with the West Virginia Mountaineers, I have a sneaking suspension that everything is going to come together in Morgantown.

South Carolina Gamecock Quarterback Stephen Garcia will be indefinitely suspended sometime this season for the fifteenth time and Coach Steve Spurrier will defend his decision by saying “He really means it this time” and add “I think my twenty strikes and you’re out policy continues to be very effective”

On a sad note….
CBS College Football announcers Vern Lundquest and Gary Daniels will be released from the Betty Ford Center after being addicted last year to “Cammy Cam Juice” just in time for the start of the 2011 College Football Season. This sudden turn of events will force those of us watching the SEC game of the week to hit the mute button (again and again and again)

Speaking of that syphilitic troll that is Vern Lundquest ……
Vern is due to give birth sometime in October of this year to Cam Newton’s illegitimate child which was conceived in Atlanta after a night of drunken debauchery after last year’s SEC Championship game.
No word yet if the two will eventually wed.

This season Southern California Trojan Coach Lane Kiffin will once again demonstrate that he doesn’t know what the hell he is doing. But gosh he sure is motivating isn’t he?

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: I’ve seen more enthusiasm at a Chess Match

Michigan will still suck this year, just not as bad as last year.

Speaking of Michigan…..
This year former Michigan Wolverine Coach Rich Rodriguez’s will continue to devise “tricky” football plays in his Grandmothers basement while his wife “Rita Rod” appears on the next Vh1 installment of “Rock of the Skanks IV with Bret Michaels”.

North Carolina Tar Heel Coach Butch Davis will be fired due to the ongoing NCAA Investigation of the football program. No wait, that’s already happened. Sorry

Nebraska Cornhusker mascots “Lil Red” and “Herbie Husker” will be combined into one mascot later this season and he will be called “Little Herbie Corn Humper”.

EDITORS NOTE: Thanks to Steve and Miss Natalie for the above comment

Duke will have better student attendance at Blue Devil basketball practice than at any home football game this season.

Indiana University (See Duke Above)

The Arizona State Sun Devils “new” uniforms will make some viewers at home dizzy and subsequently projectile vomit from trying to follow them on television.

Oregon Ducks Uniforms (See Arizona State above and add “Go Blind”)

Ole Miss Coach Houston Nutt will “recruit” a number of players from some of the finer Correctional Institutions from around the country in an effort to “give them a chance at a better life” and as Coach Nutt so eloquently added, “and hopefully protect our quarterback”.

This season we can expect a host of ridiculously stupid Bowl game sponsors such as…
The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl (I’m not kidding)
The Purina Monkey Chow Bowl (I might be kidding)
The Tidy Cat – Cat Litter Bowl (Don’t laugh, it’s on the way)

The NCAA will prove (once again) that the Dictatorship is alive and well by prohibiting any student-athletes from watching re-runs of the “Lone Ranger” on TV Land. The NCAA will cite as the reason for their latest edict, the inherent racist tendencies of the Lone Ranger by the fact that Tonto rode a smaller horse than the Lone Ranger.

ESPN and Big Ten College Football announcer Pam Ward will be arrested sometime this season for “Ear Rape” and her voice will be exhibit number one for the prosecution.

Since Penn State Coach Joe Pa has had double hip replacement surgery , both knees replaced and corrective surgery on both shoulders, it will be announced this year that Joe Pa is now the first official human-robot hybrid and then he will subsequently sign another extension to Coach at Penn State until 2050.

ABC College Football announcer Bret Musburger will set a new world record for mispronouncing college football players names on live television breaking the record set last year by fellow ABC announcer Bob Griese.

The Atlantic Coast Conference will be expanding later this season due in large part to their endorsement of gay marriage. It’s rumored that California Berkley and San Francisco Tech are looking to merge with the ACC later in the season.

Click here to view the embedded video.

This season ESPN Play-by-Play Analyst Craig James will still be an idiot

ABC College Football Studio Host John Saunders will continue to bash the Southeastern Conference despite the fact we have won everything there is to win in colligate sports the past several years.

Sometime this season LSU Coach Les Miles will forget how to read the game clock and the University of Tennessee Volunteers will be unable to account for 28 players on the field at the same time. These two events may coincide with one another.

By Mid-October the FCC will prohibit former coach and current ESPN Studio college football analyst Lou Holtz from using the term “suffering succotash” to alleviate the network’s fear that fellow studio analyst Mark May would drown in a torrent of spit if Coach Lou ever uttered that phrase.

This season the Red Raider Texas Tech Nation will still be wondering why the hell they hired Tommy Tuberville as the Head Football Coach.

Sometime this season you will see at least one mentally challenged cheerleader and untold number of fans of a particular university holding up their index fingers and shouting at the television camera “We are Number One!” when their team is actually 1 and 5.

Conference Realignment

I know this issue can be complicated and confusing for many of you, have no fear, that’s why I am here. I will explain the “new” realignment in several college football conferences in the hopes that it will relieve your anxiety and enhance your enjoyment of the upcoming season.

No need to thank me, it’s what I do.

The Pacific Athletic Conference or the “PAC 10” as it is commonly called now has twelve teams, but will retain the name “PAC-10” for reasons that make no sense at all.

However, their respective teams (six teams each) will be split between a north division and a south division.

Now this is where it may become confusing.

The two teams that joined the Pacific Athletic Conference wouldn’t even be close to the “Pacific” unless there was an earthquake of biblical proportions. I am talking about the University of Colorado Buffalos and the University of Utah Two Utes.

I know many of you just thought “What the Hell?”

Let me explain.

The University of Colorado joined the PAC-10 Conference because they got tired of getting their ass’s repeatedly kicked in the Big 12 and jumped at the chance to make more money and get their ass’s kicked by someone other than Missouri, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas A&M , and Texas every year. Make sense?

The University of Two Utes in Utah joined the PAC-10 Conference because they wanted to make more money and because nobody took them seriously when they were in the “Nobody Gives a Crap Conference”.

They call this conference “The Big Ten” and yep you guessed it, there are now twelve teams in the conference and they will retain the name “The Big Ten”.

EDITORS NOTE: And to think some people have the audacity to make fun of Southerners.
At least we can add and subtract.

Nebraska joined the “Big Ten” for a variety of reasons……
But the real reason they left the Big 12 Conference and joined the Big Ten?
The answer to that question rhymes with “honey”

Now the Big Ten has two different divisions too…..
You know what they named them?

Wait for it…..

The Legends Division and The Leaders Division.

EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking…
Yes, it’s as gay as it sounds.

The Big 12 Conference….
This is where it gets a little tricky.
Due to the departure of Colorado and Nebraska from the Conference, they now only have ten teams in the conference, but still retain the name of “The Big 12 Conference.”

There are two solutions here.

One….
The Big 12 Conference capitalizes on the latest diet and fitness craze by marketing the conference as “The Big 12 Conference, same great football without all the fat.” Or how about “The Big 12 Conference, everything you ever wanted in a college football conference, but less”

Two…..
The Big 12 Conference and the Big 10 Conference switch names and then all would be right in the world. However, I would insist the “new” Big 12 keep their gay Legends and Leaders Divisions as part of the “switch”. That ridiculous idea wouldn’t fly in Texas and Oklahoma.

EDITORS NOTE: Crisis avoided, No need to thank me

When you hear the words “Big East” it makes you think all the teams are in the eastern part of the country right? Wrong.

The Big East Conference has now added Texas Christian University in Fort Worth Texas to the Conference roles, which last time I checked wasn’t even east of the Mississippi river.

But let’s not get into semantics here.

The Mighty TCU Horned Frogs joined the Big East Conference because they will make more money and get an automatic bid to a BCS Bowl if (I’m sorry) I meant to say “when” they win the Big East conference championship.

Does all this make sense now?
It’s all about the money and sense doesn’t have anything to do with it.

College Football “How to 101”

For those of you that are new to college football, I have prepared a simple and easy to follow guide to navigate you through the often confusing and treacherous waters that is college football.
So let us start at the beginning, with tailgating.

No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me.

Any college football game begins with tailgating.
It doesn’t matter if it takes place in the comfortable confines of your own home or at the campus stadium with thousands of your closest friends.
This sets the all important proper mood for the exciting day ahead.

Safety Tip: Before we get started….
Do not feel under any obligation to begin your tailgating experience like a seasoned LSU Tiger Fan. Few beginners can begin tailgating on Tuesday night before the game on Saturday Afternoon without waking up face down in a ditch near your home, with your clothes inside out. It’s important to pace one’s self throughout this process and to maintain continuity as the events transpire.

What to wear
At any pre-game event it’s very important to wear clothes indicating your team loyalty, such as something with your school colors or logo. This demonstrates your loyalty at a glance for those respective fans of your school and for those of the opposing school as well.

Notable exceptions to the above rule: Duke
It’s widely accepted that if you wear any Duke Blue Devil football paraphernalia on game day that you will have your lunch money taken from you and your bicycle stolen.
Also it’s just really embarrassing to be seen in public wearing anything like that.

Decorations
It’s vitally important to have your tailgating area, as well as your vehicle, properly decorated and adorned with your schools colors, replicas of your universities mascot etc. University Tents, flags, stickers and other memorabilia are encouraged as well and are appropriate for the occasion. This rule applies to your home as well as your tailgating experience on the grounds of your university.

Notable exception to the rule: All University’s within the State of California
A college football game is about your passion and pride in your university. Waving flags or displaying signs promoting or celebrating anything to do with diversity or Saving Tibet or the Whales, promoting homosexual rights, homosexual marriage, legalizing marijuana or legalizing marijuana to save the homosexual Whales in Tibet who want to get married, is considered to be ridiculously stupid. Additionally this will identify you and or your group as someone who is inviting an ass kicking. This rule applies everywhere except on the campus’s in the State of California, where such conduct is not only tolerated it is encouraged.

EDITORS NOTE: The reason the Ivy League wasn’t included as a “Notable exception to the rule” described above, is because in truth, they really don’t play football in the Ivy League. However the student’s behavior at those universities closely mirrors those of their California counterparts.

BeveragesAny tailgating effort should also include a plethora of beverages for all ages.
There should be adult beverages readily available and in great supply, as well as drinks for those fans who bring their children to enjoy the game day experience.

Notable exception to the rule: Brigham Young University
It is important to note here that “milk” is only acceptable at a college tailgating event if you are an infant who is nursing or unless you are a BYU Cougar Fan.

Food
No college tailgating experience would be complete without the food and snacks.
Each university has a signature dish that can be found in and around the stadium.
At LSU it’s the Gumbo, which is served hot and in great quantities.
At The University of Texas it’s the beef brisket which is slow cooked to perfection.
At Auburn University Spam is simmered over a hot car radiator until it is done.

Don’t be alarmed if you are unaware what signature dish may be associated with your respective school. Hotdogs and hamburgers are always acceptable along with a variety of side dishes that accompany such meals, such as chips and dip and almost any variety of finger foods and snacks.

Notable exception to the rule: University of Oregon
It is considered unacceptable to serve tofu or any vegan meals or snacks at a tailgating event unless you are a fan of the Oregon Ducks or any college or university within the state of California. Attempting to serve a meal like this anywhere in Texas, Oklahoma, or east of the Mississippi River will surely get you ostracized from your fellow fans and could possibly get your ass kicked.

Tailgating Festivities and Games
This is an optional activity for your tailgating experience and is no way considered a mandatory requirement. However, that being said it is acceptable for adults and children to toss a football around and or play a spirited game of touch football. Other such similar games are encouraged and are usually enjoyed by all.

Notable exception to the rule: University of Tennessee
I am aware that there is a “game” that is being played by a number of you on game days and for tailgating. It involves tossing a small bag of corn or beans into a circular hole cut into a piece of plywood. Most of these pieces of plywood have been painted with team colors to include school logos. The name of this particular game that I described is “corn hole”.
Perhaps this should fall into the “Safety Tip” category, however be aware if you find yourself on the University of Tennessee campus that this term takes on an entirely different meaning. That being said if you happen to hear the theme from “Deliverance” while the name of this game is mentioned…..RUN!
Additionally if you “don’t” want to play the “California version of this game”, I would suggest this simple safety tip. If you find yourself at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum to see the Southern California Trojans play and you drop your wallet at the concession stand, parking lot or in the stadium. Then I would recommend you kick it to Cheyenne Wyoming before you consider picking it up.

Additional Tailgating Festivities and Games Safety Tip: Under no circumstances should you let your children play a game of touch football with children from “another” school during a tailgating event. College Football isn’t “We are the World” and a place where we “All get Along”.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
If you want to see a full fledge fight break out between children and adults, just let a “little” game like touch football between “children” from two opposing schools get started. Enough said.

Traditional Greetings
On any given day, other than college game day, it is customary to greet you neighbor with a wave of the hand or a hearty “Good Morning!” even if your neighbor is a follower or fan of a rival school. However on game day it is acceptable and encouraged to greet your neighbor with simmering hostility such as with the following examples between neighbors who are affiliated with the Southern Methodist Mustangs and Texas Christian Horned Frogs.

NOT College Football Game Day

Herb: “Good Morning Reverend, It’s a beautiful day isn’t it?”

Reverend Tucker: “It certainly is Herb, have a great day today!”

College Football Game Day

Herb: “Hey Frog face, you can suck it”

Reverend Tucker: “Die you Pony loving jackass”

Herb: “I will right after you bring back my hedge trimmer you have had for the last six months! You know what the Bible says about stealing don’t you!”

Reverend Tucker: “I will bring it back right after the damn game today and I know right where I’m going to put it too!”

This kind of banter helps one attain the healthy level of aggression needed to prepare for the college football game ahead and add realism and clarity to any tailgating activity.

Notable exception to the rule: (Please see Below)
Some universities and fans of those universities should not engage in such activity due to the fact there is simmering hostility and some would say open hatred for each other all year long. Any attempt to engage another party in such a manner will quickly escalate into a 911 call. This will prevent you from enjoying the college football game of the day as most county detention centers do not have television sets.

A partial list of the above mentioned rivals to avoid are included in this guide for your knowledge and safety. They are listed in no particular order:
Alabama – Auburn
Texas – Oklahoma
LSU-Arkansas
Tennessee and Everybody
Oregon State and Oregon
Ohio State and Michigan
South Carolina – Clemson
Georgia – Georgia Tech
Florida – Florida State
Texas Christian – Southern Methodist
Texas A&M – Texas

Your next installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza will be out next week.
There will be Picks for the Conference Champions, College Football Team News….
Email Questions and Answers….
Commentary…..
And Much More….

So Stay Tuned…..

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

In an age when we hear far too much about the greed in sports, from athletes selling their memorabilia for tattoos to a Father selling their son to the highest bidder. It’s refreshing to know that there are still athletes who will go the extra mile to bring hope to those who need it the most.

Enter Tim Tebow

Now I know some of you college football fans are rolling your eyes and saying “here we go again”.
But whatever you may think of him as a professional football player or his standing as one of the greatest college football players that ever played the game, the one thing you have to say about him: He is genuine, sincere and an athlete you wouldn’t mind your children looking up too.

Enjoy this video from ESPN and the Make a Wish Foundation and get your Kleenex handy.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Commentary

It’s important to note that there are a lot of people out there like Adam.
Some are fighting a terrible disease or illness and some are suffering from a broken heart.

All of which can be devastating to a person’s life.

But know this; your struggles and your fight inspire people around you in more ways that can possibly be mentioned in this short column. Your grit, determination and positive attitude to take the fight to the enemy “one day at a time” provides a living example of how we should all live and I believe your example makes us all better people.

Or at least it should.

And that example should be returned in kind.

Encourage those who are down and bring hope to the hopeless.

We only have one shot at this life, make the most of it.

Thanks Tim for reminding me of that very simple truth.

Post Commentary

This was written for the beautiful Miss Pam, the most beautiful woman in Tennessee, with or without hair and her husband and my friend Ed. Keep fighting the good fight my dear, I love you both and we are all praying for you.

You can count on that

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

While the Auburn Tigers are rowing up the River of Denial and the Ohio State Buckeyes are self imposing and publically self abusing themselves, the Ducks of the University of Oregon are happily paddling with their cute little webbed feet in the NCAA pond of poop.

I know many of you Ducks fans will cry fowl at what I am about write.

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask, yes I can do these puns all day…

But as you may recall it was reported some months ago by yours truly that the University of Oregon was “paying” for a recruiting service to, as the University Athletic Department described, “To screen and evaluate athletes for the University of Oregon’s Football Program”.

And by “screen” the high school athletes, they actually meant “steer the high school athletes to the University of Oregon football program by any means possible”.

EDITORS NOTE: I know, screen and steer are so close to each other in the dictionary it’s like the words are interchangeable, am I right?

Then of course we read that the $25, 000 Dollar payment for the “2011 National Recruiting Package” only covered four states and it didn’t have anything to do with any potential college recruits from 2011.

Say what? Four states are a “National” recruiting report?

To make this story even funnier, if that’s possible, the “recruiting package” didn’t arrive until four months after the first check was cashed for the “service” and not so coincidentally it arrived days after a media enquiry requesting information on the 25K “service”.

Let’s not get into the pesky argument that high school game films and other material were “supposed” to have been included in this “National Recruiting Package”, because they weren’t.

We are all grown-ups who pay taxes and buy our own toilet paper so let’s not do the duck dance of the sugar plum fairies on this topic.

Will Lyles of the “recruiting service” was paid by the Oregon Athletic Department to steer high school athletes to the University of Quack. Mr. Lyles didn’t receive his second installment for his “services” and that is why he eventually started squealing like the little piggy that went to market.

The fact Oregon Coach Chip Kelly lied about his association with Mr. Lyles only compounds this issue and brings into question the coach’s character, integrity and the University’s commitment to those values.

But then again, wasn’t this the same coach that reinstated Oregon leading rusher LaGarrette Blount after he sucker punched a Boise State player after the Quacks lost the game to the Broncos?
That “indefinite suspension” lasted only 67 days. It was long enough to make even Phil Fulmer proud.

Then of course we have the little issue…..
with starting Oregon Cornerback and All-American Return Specialist Cliff Harris…..

You might remember that he was cited for driving on a suspended license in a rental car that wasn’t rented in his name at over 118 miles an hour at 0435 in the morning.

Oregon Coach Chip Kelly said in a statement that the team was disappointed by Harris’ lack of judgment, which he called unacceptable.

EDITORS NOTE: Those are pretty harsh words Coach!
Wow…”Disappointed” AND “Unacceptable”? OUCH!

Coach Kelly went on to say…..

“Once we have finished collecting all the information in this situation, we will determine the appropriate action”

Let me help you out here Coach……

Since the vehicle wasn’t in his name, then who allowed him to drive it?

It was another University of Oregon employee that “rented” the vehicle that Harris was driving.

EDITORS NOTE: Say, isn’t that an NCAA violation for Impermissible benefits?
You might want to get the NCAA on the phone (again) with this one Coach

Did I mention there were other Orgon Ducks players in the car with Mr. Harris?

Never mind

I can’t help but wonder, since the vehicle wasn’t in Harris’ name and he had a suspended driver’s license, then why didn’t the Oregon State police NOT tow the vehicle and take Mr. Harris to jail?

This of course also means he was also driving the vehicle without auto insurance, which in case you didn’t know, is reason alone to have the rental vehicle towed and the state of Oregon to fine the web feet off that respective duck.

That should have been a given, because that is the LAW…..

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure that Mr. Harris’s standing as a proud member of the Oregon Duck Football team had nothing to do with this, right?

Before you Oregon Duck fans get your tail feathers all ruffled, Coach Kelly “indefinitely suspended” Cliff Harris from the football team. And by “indefinitely suspended” I mean almost thirty days.

So to put all the Ducks in a row here…

The University of Oregon has an out of control booster in “NIKE” Knight

College football players that flaunt the law and the NCAA rules

A Head Football Coach that doesn’t mind lying and violating NCAA Rules

An Athletic Director that clearly hasn’t seen a newspaper or read the internet on anything to do with his athletic programs, that is unless NIKE wants him too.

So what’s the difference between the University of Oregon and the Ohio State University?

The difference my fine feathered friends is quite simply this:

The Ohio State University Buckeyes are trying to clean up their embarrassing mess

The University of Oregon Ducks are choosing to lie and scam their way out of their mess

Somewhere Phil Fulmer is smiling…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It would seem that I inadvertently set off some premature 4th of July Fireworks with my article last week on the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers.

I certainly didn’t mean to be unduly negative before a holiday weekend.

So with that in mind, I hope to make up for last week’s article with a cheerful and positive spin on the ongoing NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers.

Enjoy….

TIGER BLING

The Championship rings are out on the plains for the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers!

I am so glad they decided to put these rings out on display for the fans to enjoy, particularly the ring with the Lombardi Trophy on it. I must have been too busy at the end of January to notice but I had no idea the Tigers also won the Super Bowl!

Congratulations Super Bowl Champs! War Eagle!

TWEET TWEET

As you may have read or heard the North Carolina Tar Heels football team is in A-Lot of trouble with the NCAA. And one of the things the NCAA is going to charge the North Carolina athletic department with is “failure to monitor social networking sites of the individual players”

You know what that means right? It means the athletic department should be monitoring MySpace, Faces in a Book and Twitter accounts of ALL the student-athletes.

Gosh that sure sounds like a big job to me!

But I guess this NCAA rule is only in effect across the Appalachian Mountains, because you may have heard what Auburn football player Jordan Spriggs “tweeted” during this past spring semester

“Who is good at writing papers??? I can Pay!”

EDITORS NOTE: Before all you haters start getting mad at Auburn or me because this is a positive article right? I am SURE this doesn’t constitute cheating or any kind of NCAA violation.
Because Coach Gene Chizik said it was nothing more than a “joke”.

That’s good enough for me! War Eagle!

EYE OF THE TIGER

In seasons past the Auburn Tigers would enter Jordan Hare Stadium to the riveting sound of one hit wonder Survivor playing “Eye of the Tiger”. But this year in honor of 2010 Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton the mighty Auburn Tigers will enter the stadium to multi-platinum recording artist and accused pedophile Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal”

I personally think is a wonderful tribute to a great athlete and a humble sportsman.

War Eagle!

THE POWER OF WORDS

My crack research staff, here at the CFB Wizard Headquarters, has recently uncovered a number of extremely “negative” articles about Cam Newton while he was a student at the University of Florida.

I for one was flabbergasted!

But once I regained my composure I was determined to right this wrong.

Because it’s all in how you write it.

So with that being said let me make this clear…..

Cam Newton didn’t “steal” another student’s laptop at the University of Florida

He simply borrowed a laptop he was unfamiliar with from someone he didn’t know.

Cam Newton didn’t “run away” from the police in Gainesville

He was simply going out for a run around midnight because he couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t hear the police yelling at him to stop because he was listening to his father (The Right Reverend Cecil Newton) Sunday sermons on his IPod.

Cam Newton Never “lied” to the police about the laptop in his possession.

He simply gave the police an alternative version of events that transpired which conflicted with the eye witness’s accounts of the incident.

Cam Newton wasn’t dismissed from the University of Florida for “cheating” on his tests or failing to attend classes.

He was so smart he simply knew all the answers in advance.
“Hello”? Have you ever heard of clairvoyance? Yeah, it’s a gift.

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this has cleared his good name for future generations. War Eagle!

PASS THE COLLECTION PLATE

Some people have made some very ugly accusations concerning Cam Newton’s father, the Right Reverend Cecil Newton.

They have gone as far as to besmirch the character of this good and decent man of the cloth.

They have openly attacked a man who is a pillar of his community and a man who has a reputation second only to Gandhi.

They have accused this fine leader of his church of selling his son’s services to the highest bidder.

Shame on them!

I know for a FACT after visiting the Right Reverend Cecil Newton’s simple house of worship that there is NO way he could have been involved in such foolishness.

And just to prove my point I took this picture last January in the church he pastors.

I hope this puts an end to the unfair and horrible accusations hurled at this wonderful Pastor and Proud Father.

War Eagle!

PASSION

The Auburn Tiger faithful are some of the most passionate fans in all of college football.

Many will hitch their homes to their trucks and make the long trek to Jordan Hare for games on Saturday or stay anxiously glued to their television sets while one or more relatives and friends hold the satellite dish in the proper position to watch their beloved Tigers play football.

I think the passion of the Auburn Tiger fans can best be summed up by recent Heisman Trophy winner and Quarterback of the 2010 National Championship Auburn Tigers, Mr. Cam Newton.

When he so eloquently stated…..

“I likes jumping in them stands after I score…
because them Tiger fans likes to be touching me in the naughty place”

EDITORS NOTE: Well put sir, well put.

THE COACH’S BOOK

Recently Coach Gene Chizik released his book on the miraculous 2010 Auburn Tigers Season entitled “All In”. This phrase comes from the Auburn Tigers Football team’s battle cry during the 2010 football season.

Unfortunately the original cover of the book has been changed for reasons that continue to confound me. But I happen to have one of the original copies and share this with you here.

Cam and Gene look happy together, don’t you think? And for the record those are NOT NCAA Investigators chasing them in the background!

All In! War Eagle!

THE STATUE and THE CONTROVERSY

Auburn University Athletic Director Jay Jacobs commented on recent criticism from the media to place Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton’s statue on wheels, so it can be wheeled out each day to be placed next to the other Auburn Heisman Trophy winners, Pat Sullivan and Bo Jackson and then subsequently wheeled back in the evening into an area of safe keeping within the Auburn Athletic Department.

“The decision to put Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton’s statue on wheels has nothing to do with the ongoing NCAA Investigation. We decided to place his bronze likeness on wheels because a number of the Auburn Tiger faithful were worshiping the statue while attempting to milk the bronze statue for Cammy Cam Juice.”

THE GREAT DICTATOR

Some have called Auburn Trustee Bobby Lowder a “Dictator”.

They should be ashamed of themselves.

Most folks in the Auburn athletic department prefer to think of Bobby Lowder as a benevolent God like creature from a mythical time. They prefer to see him as a beautiful white unicorn with majestic wings that ride the currents of the eastern winds bestowing such riches and favors on those subjects within his kingdom as he, in his infinite wisdom, sees fit.

While occasionally using the horn on his regal head to dispose of coaches and heretics like Terry Bowden and Tommy Tuberville.

Tiger Beat magazine has called Bobby “Dreamy” and “The Hottest thing to come out of Birmingham since the 1968 race riots”

I couldn’t agree more

THE HUMBLE SPORTSMAN

Every university has that one athlete that every parent or educator would like their children or students to emulate because he is a role model for future generations.

Look no further than the role model for the youth of the 21st century

Cam Newton: accomplished athlete, humble classy sportsman…

And the voice of his generation: a singer of songs for the whole family.
The below was taken while he was in Bling Bling Community College before he enrolled at Auburn University.

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: Before any of you get your underwear in a wad…..
Cam Newton was not “bleeped” in the above video because he was using profane language.
On the contrary, he was “bleeped” because he was giving a “shout out” to a number of missionaries from his father (The Right Reverend Cecil Newton) Church.
You feel bad about what you were thinking now, don’t you?

CFB Wizard Commentary

I hope this positive article on the 2010 Auburn Tigers and Heisman Trophy Winner Cam Newton has eliminated any doubt concerning their less than outstanding contribution to not only college football, but sportsmanship and humanity as a whole.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As promised….
It is time to take a closer look at the 2010 National Champion Auburn Tigers
and the “ongoing” Investigation by the NCAA into Cam Newton

Enjoy….

Let’s take a look at the latest developments, shall we?

Long time Auburn Board of Trustee and Dictator Emeritus Bobby Lowder recently announced that he would voluntarily “retire” from the Auburn Board of Trustees.

What makes this interesting is this is the very same man who sued the State of Alabama and various Governors to “stay” on the Board, despite the fact it’s an appointed position.

In other words, just because you are the universities richest booster doesn’t entitle you a lifetime seat on the board of the university trustees or the “right” to run roughshod over the other trustees and treat the university like your own personal playground.

So, why the sudden change of heart?

After all, Bobby has hired and fired coaches, athletic directors and presidents at Auburn over the last twenty plus years and some would say he is the money behind the Cam Newton scandal.

Terry Bowden and Tommy Tuberville can I get an Amen?

He even fired an Auburn college student who was the editor of the schools newspaper because the student had the unmitigated gall to write an editorial that although didn’t mention Bobby Lowder by name it stated that “One man shouldn’t run this academic institution”.

So we are supposed to believe that Ole Bobby is just going to give up his seat and walk away.

We will return to this in a moment….

But in the meantime let’s take a look at Auburn Coach Gene Chizik’s “new” contract

It’s not uncommon for a head football coach to receive a new contract or a bonus after having the kind of season the Auburn Tigers had in 2010. But what is interesting apart from the 1.8 million dollar raise is the language in the “new” contract.

EDITORS NOTE: I find it ironic that the Head Coach got a raise at the end of the season and Cam Newton had to take a pay cut by going to the NFL.

Coach Chizik’s initial contract stated that Auburn University could suspend all but $500,000 of his pay during an internal investigation SEC or NCAA Investigation and if no major violations were found to have occurred then he would be paid what he was owed, plus interest.

His new contract…….

States that he will be paid regardless of an investigation, like the one that is ongoing now by the NCAA and assuming he is found negligent or accountable for any wrong doing in the investigation, he will still get paid. Unless of course the university decides to use him as a sacrificial lamb and then Coach Chizik gets a rather substantial “buyout”.

Simply put…..
His old contract stated that his pay could be suspended if the football program was under investigation. His new contract says that his pay can’t be suspended if they are investigated. Make sense?

Now let’s look at some comparisons between two recent Heisman Trophy Winners

Quote by Mike Garrett, “former” USC Athletic Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California Trojans.

“We have looked into the issue and there isn’t anything to it”

Quote by Jay Jacobs Auburn University Athletic Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn University Tigers.

“We have exhausted our resources and feel confident there isn’t anything to the allegations”

Quote by “Saint” Pete Carroll “former” USC Head Football Coach regarding the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California Trojans.

“We have looked into it and I feel confident there is nothing to it”

Quote by Coach Gene Chizik current Auburn University Head Football Coach Director regarding the NCAA Investigation into Cam Newton and the Auburn University Tigers.

“These allegations are garbage”

Quote by Reggie Bush “former” Heisman Trophy winner from the Southern Californian Trojans

“Man this is all junk I didn’t take no money from nobody”

Quote by Cam Newton current Heisman Trophy winner from Auburn University

“My parents do a lot of things behind the scenes to help me that nobody sees”

So why did long time Auburn Trustee and Dictator Emeritus Bobby Lowder voluntarily leave the post he “owned” on the Auburn University Board of Trustees?

Because the heat is coming, that’s why.

Why did Coach Gene Chizik have the “new” language placed into his contract?
Because it’s coming folks, it’s coming.

There is more to come on this topic…..
So stay tuned….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As I predicted some weeks ago…..
Despite the fact we are several months away from Halloween…..

The Great Pumpkin is beginning to rise from the Pumpkin Patch!

That monolithic creature in Orange known as Fat Phil Fulmer has support from the University of Tennessee Board of Trustees to become the next Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee.

Yes it’s true.

Despite not having any experience in running any athletic department, managing a budget or even managing his own football team Fat Phil actually has support within the board of trustees and within some elements of the volunteer fan base to become athletic director.

And some of you actually wonder why I pick on the Volunteers?

I think this is an excellent time to remember just a few details during the “coach” Fulmer rein at the University of Tennessee.

EDITORS NOTE: Please feel free to play…..
“The Way We Were” in the background as you continue reading.

Then Assistant coach Phil Fulmer and athletic director Doug Dickey concocted a scheme to dispose and subsequently fire Volunteer legend and then head football coach Johnny Majors while coach Majors was in the hospital for a potential life threatening heart ailment.

Yes friends, that’s how Coach Phil “took over”; by screwing his “mentor”.

Should I mention that there are five NFL players who have been found guilty of committing murder the past few years and four of them played at the University of Tennessee under Coach Fulmer?

To say nothing of Coach Fulmer’s tolerance of rape armed robbery arson resisting arrest threatening law enforcement officers and any other number of crimes and misdemeanors while he was Head Football Coach at the University of Tennessee.

And wasn’t it amazing how Phil’s own “personal” attorney Jeff Haygood always seem to be present to “represent” the football players through their legal woes?

Say, isn’t that an NCAA violation?

Maybe I am being too harsh here.
After all I am sure top of the line legal counsel is hard to come by when you are a student athlete with little or no income and you are facing charges of rape of an underage mentally challenged girl in the athletic dormitory.

Don’t worry folks….
Coach Fulmer said he would “review the incident and take care of it internally”

He made that statement “after” he and his attorney met with the witnesses to the crime before they had a chance to meet with the police investigators.

That kind of sounds like he was interfering with a felony investigation, doesn’t it?
The Knoxville Police Department sure thought so.

But yet nothing happened to the rapist or coach Fulmer……
I guess the rape of an underage mentally challenged girl by one of his players isn’t that important to Phil because he took care of it “Internally”

Like so many other things during Coach Phil’s rein, it was all taken care of “Internally”

The scandal that involved changing grades for football players so they would be eligible to play was taken care of “internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”.

And who can forget the “walking classes” for football players and the embarrassment it caused the University of Tennessee, particularly when some of the players got a “D” in walking.

It was all handled “Internally”

EDITORS NOTE: I still can’t believe it was a three credit hour course

Do any of you remember the academic scandal Coach Phil started that involved classifying potential student-athletes as “mentally challenged” so they wouldn’t be held to the same standard of NCAA college eligibility?

When the news of that leaked out, you guessed it….
It was all handled “Internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”

EDITORS NOTE: Nothing says confidence in your student athlete’s mental acuity quite like classifying them as “Retarded”.

Does anyone want to discuss Coach Phil’s 6% graduation rate on the football team?

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering….
The average graduation rate for football players across the Southeastern Conference is 53%

This to say nothing of Phil’s knowledge of the NCAA violations of then Tennessee Quarterback Tee Martin and his “allowance” he received from a University of Tennessee Booster in Mobile, Alabama.

And just for the record: when Doug Dickey and Phil Fulmer didn’t report it, that my friends is an NCAA Violation of Biblical Proportions.

But that was o.k. because……
It was all handled “Internally” and within the “Tennessee Family”

EDITIORS NOTES: I am guessing my Ohio State Buckeye Fans are saying…
“What the Hell?”

Should I mention Coach Phil’s personal “investigation” into the University of Alabama and his string of “Secret Witnesses” that he interviewed personally at the home of Tennessee Board of Trustee and University Booster “Thunder” Thornton?

Yeah, that was all legal and above board, wasn’t it?

A hillbilly Inspector Clouseau, is this who you want running the athletic department?

The University of Tennessee has the opportunity to show some character and class with its selection of a new Athletic Director for men’s athletics and Phil Fulmer possesses neither of those qualities.

And let me take this a step further….

If “winning” is more important to you than the prosecution of someone that raped an underage mentally challenged girl, then you should fear for your soul.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We are going to take quick break from the Soap Opera that has become College Football:
To provide a Summer Safety Tip for all my loyal readers….

We will return later with tales from the Plains of Auburn….
The potential reemergence of Fat Phil Fulmer as the University of Tennessee Athletic Director
And attempt to solve the mystery of whatever happened to the Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy and discuss the 2004 (vacated) National Championship.

And yes, we will have more on the ongoing saga in Buckeye Land….

Enjoy…

As I have chronicled in other articles, there are a lot of things in this life I simply don’t understand.

And one of those things is the commercials they show on television.

I know many of you find some of them amusing and I do too, but I am not talking about the Budweiser Clydesdales here. I am talking about those commercials that knowingly deceive you with their smooth delivery and false promises.

More specifically I am talking about the laxative commercials.

At the end of each commercial regardless of the product the announcer always says….
“For gentle natural relief” of constipation……

I don’t know about you but I haven’t experienced anything “gentle” or “natural” from those products.

And the makers of the products always give them a name that will give you the impression that the product are indeed “gentle and natural” and they cover the label with butterflies and lilies to further the ruse.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think in the name of fairness and accuracy you should rename your product “Butt Splatter” (although I think it would be more appropriate in most cases)

All I am saying here is be honest about your product.

And anyone out there who has ever taken or been forced to take castor oil knows exactly what I mean.

Forty five minutes after a tablespoon of that vile substance which tastes like a mercury flavored city bus tailpipe, you need to be where you need to be and God forbid if you stub your toe, or drop your keys.

Because any sudden movement or jarring can cause….

How can I put this gently?

It will cause a sudden drop in the atmospheric condition as they say on the weather channel.
And not in a “good way”

Does that sound “gentle and natural” to you?

I think this is what Bob Seger was warning us about in his song “Fire down below”

Castor oil is nature’s liquid plumber and it will unclog your drain pipes faster than you can yell…
“Are we out of damn toilet paper?”

And to make matters worse, the warning label on castor oil isn’t accurate or helpful either.

It has one warning: “Don’t take more than eight tablespoons of castor oil in a twenty four hour period. “

Good Lord you call that a warning!

That’s the equivalent of saying “Don’t play touch football while blindfolded on the interstate”

How about something helpful, like….
“Don’t take castor oil with ill prepared Mexican food or you may experience immediate results”

“Do not take castor oil before bedtime along with a sleeping aid or you may experience dreams of playing in a natural mud bath, which unfortunately will be an ugly reality upon awakening.”

Those kind of warnings are helpful.

I would write more, but I think I need to set down…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s Christmas Eve and this is a story that is familiar to many of you…..

For others it may be the first time reading it

I sent this out last year and so many of you loved it that I decided to send it out again.

It means a lot to me

Call it our little College Football Wizard Christmas Tradition…

I bring you this story of the first Christmas I can remember….

I hope it touches your heart and motivates you to help the helpless..

I hope you enjoy it and I want to wish you all…..

A Very Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year….

Enjoy….

CHRISTMAS ON OUTER DRIVE

It was Christmas 1962, when America didn’t have a clue what a Vietnam was
and most women were more concerned about which hat Jackie would wear during the holidays than they were about world politics.

Even at the ripe old age of four this wonderful foster family provided by the state that was kind enough to explain to me that Santa Claus…
Ole Saint Nick to you and me, didn’t visit children without a mommy and daddy.
Those were the “bad” children; that’s why their mommies and daddies left them with the state.