Anytime you can begin an article on College Football by quoting the late great Warren Zevon then you have to know you will be going on a ride. This will be one of those times.

Get comfortable if you can and enjoy the trip

Enjoy….

“The floodgates are open
We’ve let the demons loose
The big guns have spoken
And we’ve fallen for the ruse”

“Disorder in the House” – Warren Zevon

Before some of you begin rolling your eyes and saying; “Here he goes again”
Let me begin this commentary with this statement; we have become a nation of imbeciles who can’t or won’t think for ourselves.

EDITORS NOTE: In the context of my last statement I will stick to the topic of college football. I don’t have enough time or energy to discuss that statement in terms of politics and mainstream media but suffice to say the statement fits those parties to a damn tee.
Please continue….

For too many people if ESPN say’s it then it MUST be true.
Conversely if they “don’t” mention it then it must NOT be important.

EDITORS NOTE: I am certainly not referring to my loyal and well informed and educated readership with the above statement. You all are far too sophisticated to fall for such sophomoric shenanigans. So let’s continue….

Before the BCS National Championship game…
ESPN and the NCAA stated emphatically that Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton “was cleared of any wrongdoing” in the Investigation surrounding his Father (The Right Reverend Ceil Newton) of shopping his son’s football services to at least one university.

Despite the fact the NCAA “rules” state the following…..

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

And of course prior to the above announcement
(I apologize in advance for the Freudian slip)……
ESPN and the NCAA stated emphatically that Ohio State Buckeye Quarterback Terrell Pryor
and his tattoo loving teammates would be punished “next” year for offenses that occurred “this” past season.

It seems that no one wants to report that honesty; integrity and hard work in college football have been replaced with big money, bribes and back room deals. And to make matters even worse (if that’s possible) it seems too many of us don’t seem to care either as long as “we get ours”.
Does that sound familiar?

I am not so naïve as to believe that back room deals and big money haven’t always been a big part of college football. After all, I remember Coach Bryant and the University of Alabama getting screwed out of both the 1966 and 1977 National Championships.

But when the NCAA makes a statement defending their decisions by stating:
“The NCAA defended its recent rulings in violations cases involving Ohio State and Auburn, saying it does not play favorites or make decisions based on financial considerations.”

With an opening statement like that and ESPN, CBS and Fox Sports don’t jump on it with both feet?
No commentaries on the NCAA statement, nothing?
Instead we are treated with talking heads from the above networks playing to the “party line” and quickly moving on to another subject. And we are supposed to believe that garbage?
We don’t or can’t think for ourselves anymore? Is that where we are today?

“The floodgates are open
We’ve let the demons loose
The big guns have spoken
And we’ve fallen for the ruse”

“Disorder in the House” – Warren Zevon

“The NCAA doesn’t play favorites or make decisions based on financial considerations.”
R-E-A-L-L-Y?

So theoretically speaking…..
If Cam Newton and Terrell Pryor would have been suspended for the respective games we (the public) are too believe that viewership and sponsorship would have been the same as well as the final outcomes of the games? We aren’t that damn stupid are we?

And adding insult to injury….
It was insulting (or should have been to you) for the Sugar Bowl to name Terrell Pryor MVP of the game, when he shouldn’t have been allowed to suit up in the first place.

This was done in an effort to add legitimacy to an illegal and illegitimate act and make the public “believe”.

Then the NCAA stated…..
“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another.
Any insinuation that revenue from bowl games in particular would influence NCAA decisions is absurd, because schools and conferences receive that revenue, not the NCAA.”

Money isn’t a motivating factor? And we are expected to believe that one, really?
I got news for you; money is a damn motivating factor in “everything”.

And to prove my point…..
The NCAA gets a cut of every ticket, officially licensed merchandise, television revenue and lets don’t forget selling the “amateur” student –athlete’s image to video game companies for millions of dollars.

Therein lies the problem, underneath it all there is greed.

The good people at Auburn have stood by for years and let University Trustee Bobby “I have more money than God” Lowder run roughshod over school administrators and athletic directors alike in a quest to satisfy his obsession to best the University of Alabama and garner national attention for the Tiger athletic programs. Those few brave souls who have spoken up have been run out of Auburn on a rail by Bobby and his gaggle of idiots.

And there are those college football fans and alumni that don’t care what they have to do to win, as long as they win. They are the same ones that don’t want to believe what I am writing….

They are the same ones that point fingers at other programs….

They sound like so many others that have sold their collective souls to “win” at all costs.

They sound like some Southern California Trojan fans a couple of years ago….

They sound like some Tennessee Volunteer fans under the Fat Phil Era….

You can say it isn’t so War Eagle faithful, but in your hearts you know it’s true.

Paid players and thugs roamed the campus while never visiting a classroom, while off the field incidents and other crimes and misdemeanors never see the headlines or light of day.
Sound familiar?

So to paraphrase Warren Zevon
“Now that the flood gates have opened and we’ve let the demons loose and the big guns have spoken”….Have you all fallen for the ruse?

The reason I ask is this……
Immediately following the BCS Championship game………
Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton’s Father (The Right Reverend Ceil Newton) was seen hugging his son in a throng of fans in a touching moment of love between a devoted father and son.

So what’s the problem with that you may ask?
Here you go….

Auburn Athletics Director Jay Jacobs said that Cam Newton’s father (The Right Reverend Ceil Newton) did not go against a mutual agreement with the school by appearing after the BCS Championship Game.

“My understanding is he actually came in after the game was over for the celebration,” Jacobs said. “Now, I haven’t spoken to Mr. Newton. But based on what his attorney said, that’s my understanding. As far as I’m concerned, he didn’t go against anything we mutually agreed upon.”

EDITORS NOTE: The reason I raise the question of the validity of this statement is simply this: You cannot enter or reenter the stadium without “special” permission from either the Bowl, the respective universities, conferences or the NCAA. So who gave the Right Reverend Ceil Newton “special” permission to enter the stadium in the first place?

The “mutual agreement” the Auburn Athletic Director mentioned in the above statement was this: as punishment for Cecil Newton soliciting money from Mississippi State for his son to play there, the NCAA announced in December that Auburn had limited Cecil’s access around the program. Auburn has never publicly defined what the limited access means.

EDITORS NOTE: So Auburn can’t define what “limited access” means? And the NCAA doesn’t require Auburn to define it either? Interesting, wouldn’t you say?
Assuming by the picture “limited access” includes frequent visits and photo opportunities in the Tiger locker room.

Now on the day of the BCS Championship Game, Jacobs told The Associated Press that Cecil would not be in attendance. The decision was “mutually agreed upon,” Jacobs said then. “Out of the highest respect that Cecil has for Cameron, he won’t be here today.”

EDITORS NOTE: May we then assume that the Right Reverend Ceil Newton miracled his ass to Arizona from Georgia? Or did someone (Trustee Bobby or another “booster”) fly the Right Reverend Ceil Newton to Arizona?

So the world shared the touching moment as Cecil and Cam shared a hug in the stadium after the game. Cecil’s attorney later told USA Today that Cecil watched the game off-site and came to the stadium for the celebration, but couldn’t say how Cecil got in.

EDITORS NOTE: I vote for “miracled his ass” to Arizona from Georgia
(I bet the NCAA would buy that theory too)

“I would imagine, just like at our place, when the game is over the door is open and there you go,” Jacobs said Thursday. “I don’t have any idea.”
Jacobs said he is not surprised Cecil’s presence turned into a national discussion.
“Because if people thought he was at the game and we all had agreed that wouldn’t happen, it stands to reason it would blow up,” Jacobs said. “Anyway, best of luck to him.”
Jacobs declined to comment on the status of the NCAA investigation into Newton’s recruitment.

EDITORS NOTE: Wait, I thought the NCAA cleared Cammy Cam of any wrong doing?
So why won’t the Auburn athletic director just repeat the same worn out phrase that the “NCAA cleared Cam Newton and Auburn of any wrong doing”.

My friends it’s gets back to what I was saying…..
“Have you all fallen for the ruse?”

So on the eve of what was once a real Super Bowl between two professional football teams but has instead been biodegraded into the “Two hand Touch, don’t smack me in the face, argue every call and instant replay something to death while nobody has to wear knee or thigh pads because you can’t touch me there, Super Bowl”
I want to leave you with another line from Warren Zevon….

“It’s the home of the brave and the land of the free
Where the less you know the better off you’ll be”
“Disorder in the House” – Warren Zevon

So I ask you all…..
Do you all want to continue to bury your heads in the sand and pretend that “it’s all good as long as you get yours”? Or do you want to return integrity back to college football?

Then it’s time to succeed from the NCAA…..
It’s just that simple….

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

There is some recent news from the NCAA “defending” their decisions concerning Cam Newton of Auburn and the players with Ohio State University that are to be punished next year for this year’s offenses.

I know the legal speak can be difficult to understand.
That’s why you have your Favorite College Football Prognosticator….

I will guide you through what they are saying….

Enjoy and Happy New Year

By The Associated Press

The NCAA defended its recent rulings in violations cases involving Ohio State and Auburn, saying it does not play favorites or make decisions based on financial considerations.

EDITORS NOTES: Before I explain the NCAA statement, I have on good authority the entire message was delivered by the NCAA in a lead proof bunker, as they were concerned with such blatant lies that the entire staff could be struck at anytime by lightning.

“Doesn’t play favorites”? Seriously? Then explain the Reggie Bush investigation?
If they don’t make decisions based on “Financial Considerations”, then why does the Harvard School of Business rate the NCAA as the Number One monopoly in this country ahead of Microsoft?
It’s because it’s ALL about the money.

How much money does the NCAA make with EA Sports alone on the player’s likeness for video games, yet doesn’t feel obligated to share any of the revenues with the players themselves.

In fact they make so many billions (yes, I said Billions) of dollars the NCAA cannot produce a financial report of any note detailing where and how much revenue they accumulate

The NCAA Statement continues…

The NCAA posted a statement on its website Wednesday responding to critics. It says “the notion that the NCAA is selective with its eligibility decisions and rules enforcement is another myth with no basis in fact.

EDITORS NOTES: Myth? So we are supposed to believe the NCAA isn’t selective in their enforcements? Really?

Well here are a few facts for you Jackass……

Not that long ago…..
Florida State University was forced to forfeit games and relinquish scholarships because of an academic scandal, yet these same offenses were committed by other programs and they didn’t receive any punishment near as harsh as the one leveled against the Seminoles.

The North Carolina Tar Heels had a number of players ruled in eligible prior to the opening game of the season for offenses they committed prior to the season. Other teams were forced to do the same by the NCAA, yet offenses “did” take place this year by the Ohio State Buckeyes and they are allowed to play in “this” years bowl game.

The University of Alabama was placed on probation by the NCAA and threatened with the “Death Penalty” over the Albert Means Investigation. Yet, even in Federal Court, there was no evidence to support that any money was exchanged or any offense had taken place. The NCAA found Alabama guilty even as they said “You have done everything right and dotted all the “I’s” and crossed all the “T’s”, and there is nothing more you (Alabama) as an institution could have done. We are still finding you guilty.”

Then we have…..

The Reggie Bush investigation…..
It took you dumbasses at the NCAA FIVE years to find Reggie’s Momma’s house?

Then there was Southern Cal Trojan Dwayne Jarrett….
Who the NCAA said “he didn’t know he had to pay $4500.00 month in rent for his apartment”

The Right Reverend Cecil Newton lied about trying to sell Cam Newton’s services to Mississippi State and we are to believe he didn’t sell his services elsewhere?

I think I have made my point….

Yeah, I would say they are pretty damn selective with eligibility decisions and rules enforcement and that is no myth.

The NCAA Statement continues…

“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another. Any insinuation that revenue from bowl games in particular would influence NCAA decisions is absurd, because schools and conferences receive that revenue, not the NCAA.”

EDITORS NOTES: Hey Pinocchio, you really expect us to believe money isn’t a motivating factor for the NCAA? The NCAA gets a cut off every T-shirt, hat, football game, television revenue, bowl game and video game. I honestly don’t know which is more insulting….
When the NCAA says “money isn’t a motivating factor” or when they say “We care about the student athlete’s education”

The NCAA Statement continues…

Last week, the NCAA suspended five Ohio State players for five games next season for selling their championship rings, trophies and other memorabilia items, but is allowing them to play in the upcoming Sugar Bowl.
Before the NCAA handed down its penalties, Ohio State officials informed Sugar Bowl organizers that the school was lobbying for the players to be eligible for the Jan. 4 game.
Sugar Bowl executive director Paul Hoolahan told The Columbus Dispatch that he encouraged Ohio State officials to push for the players to be allowed to play against Arkansas.
“I made the point that anything that could be done to preserve the integrity of this year’s game, we would greatly appreciate it,” Hoolahan was quoted was saying in Wednesday’s editions of the newspaper. “That appeal did not fall on deaf ears, and I’m extremely excited about it, that the Buckeyes are coming in at full strength and with no dilution.”

EDITORS NOTES: Integrity? Anytime one of these talking heads starts talking about “Integrity” it’s like asking a prostitute about virginity.

The NCAA Statement continues…

Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long told the AP he had no problem with Hoolahan looking out for the Sugar Bowl.
“He’s the leader of the Sugar Bowl and probably needs to do that,” Long said. “I also don’t think that his lobbying, so to speak, would carry a whole lot of weight with the NCAA when they make their decisions. I don’t mean that with any disrespect to Paul Hoolahan, but I would be surprised if the NCAA took that into consideration when making their decision.”

Last month, the NCAA did not punish Auburn quarterback Cam Newton, even though it ruled his father had solicited money from Mississippi State while that school was recruiting his son.

EDITORS NOTES: You aren’t interested in my opinion here on the Cam Newton “situation” and the NCAA already stated earlier and I quote:

“The NCAA posted a statement on its website Wednesday responding to critics. It says “the notion that the NCAA is selective with its eligibility decisions and rules enforcement is another myth with no basis in fact.”

So let’s go to the rule book shall we, and it states:

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

Need I say more?

The NCAA Statement continues…

In the Ohio State case, the NCAA said players — including quarterback Terrelle Pryor and three other starters — had been inadequately educated about the rules and that was a mitigating factor in the case. The NCAA reiterated that point in its statement Wednesday.

EDITORS NOTES: Inadequately educated? Aren’t these boys in college?
Or do they mean like when Southern Cal Trojan Dwayne Jarrett didn’t know he had to pay rent?

It also said bowl games, the postseason and NCAA championships are evaluated differently when determining a student-athletes’ punishment.

EDITORS NOTES: Didn’t the NCAA just contradict their earlier statement on consistency?
Yes, yes they most certainly did………..

The NCAA Statement continues…

“This policy was developed and implemented by the Division I membership, specifically the Division I Committee on Student-Athlete Reinstatement and approved by the Division I Academics/Eligibility/Compliance Cabinet, in 2004,” the statement said.
In the Newton case, the Heisman Trophy winner was allowed to continue playing because there was no evidence that he or Auburn knew about Cecil Newton’s attempts to get Mississippi State to pay $180,000 for his son’s commitment out of junior college.
The NCAA said Wednesday that efforts are being made to strengthen rules “when benefits or money are solicited (but not received).”

EDITORS NOTES: “No Evidence”?
Where does the NCAA get their “investigators” from, Aruba?

“Put simply, had Cam Newton’s father or a third party actually received money or benefits for his recruitment, Cam Newton would have been declared ineligible regardless of his lack of knowledge,” the NCAA said.

EDITORS NOTES: Really, but the rule clearly states……

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said…..

Auburn, Alabama

And if you are wondering how Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton spent the Holiday’s
(I know I am…)
Here you go…..

Newton served food to homeless for Christmas

AUBURN, Ala. — Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton spent part of Christmas Day dishing out green beans. Or “Santa beans” as he called them. Cam went on to say….
“See, I call them Santa beans cause it’s like you know, Santa’s Birf-day or something.”

The Auburn quarterback said Wednesday he spent about two hours at Turner Field in Atlanta serving homeless people for Hosea Feed the Hungry, a nonprofit organization affiliated with the Martin Luther King Jr. People’s Church of Love.

Newton says he posed for some pictures but for the most part “had to step outside of Cam Newton the athlete and step into Cam Newton the human being and the person that is very caring, you know cause most of de time I care about me, you know not other peoples. Also I like talking bout me in da third person, it make me sound smart.”

He says it was an “eye-opener” and something he wants to do again soon.
Newton says the trip home to Atlanta was nice after a whirlwind when he won the Heisman and the Davey O’Brien and Maxwell awards.

He says his family won’t let all that get to him or as the Auburn Quarterback stated….
“They won’t let it get to me cause they be taken some of it for themselves”

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We have reached the end of the 2010 College Football Season….

In this last edition will have end of the Season Emails…..

A New Year’s message or two….

And the last segment of the 2010 Bowl Predictions…

To include the BCS National Championship game…

Thank you all for coming along for the ride this year…
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.

Enjoy….

END OF YEAR EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Hey Mister Wizard, I know Christmas is over (Merry Christmas by the way) but my family and I made a trip to Dollywood and seen the “Nutcracker”, it was a hell of a thing to watch!
If you ever get the chance you need to go see it!
Thanks for all the picks this year, we sure enjoyed them!
The Davis family – Union City, Tennessee

A: Thank you Davis family, for those kind words, however…
I refuse to see the “Nutcracker” because it makes me uncomfortable for reasons that should be abundantly obvious. In fact I am feeling uncomfortable right now writing about it…

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –
Your description of esteemed Auburn University Trustee Bobby Lowder is inaccurate and offensive.
He is not a dictator nor is he some maniacal power hungry lunatic!

Sure he has fired an editor of the Auburn student newspaper, but it didn’t have ANYTHING to do with an article about him, hardly, it was because the kid had acne and grossed people out.

He not only is the PRESIDENT of Colonial Bank (Ever heard of it?) but he is also one of the nicest people on the planet. Sure he has fired coaches and hired others without the consent of the University, BIG DEAL!
He knows what is best for Auburn University, NOT YOU!

So what if he still pays coach’s NOT to coach, we have jobs for them like calling Bo Jackson to wake him up in the morning, so how about just shutting up about it!

Mr. Lowder is the kind of man that really cares about the student athletes at Auburn University!
If some football player from a disadvantaged home who just happened to have a father that is a Preacher and they get some “help” from Colonial Bank on a no interest loan that they know he won’t ever pay back and then they can just write it off, SO WHAT?

It’s none of your War Damn Eagle business

Sincerely,

Lobby Bowder – Auburn, Alabama

A: I can smell your fear from here “Lobby”….
I’m coming for you big boy…

Q: Dear Sir –
I have a problem and I hope you can help me.
My neighbors are “Tennessee Fans” and their children came out of the house on Christmas morning, wearing these horrible, glow in the dark (God awful!) orange clothes that were clearly given to them for Christmas by their parents.
Should I say something to their parents?

Charlotte – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Charlotte under no circumstances should you say anything to the parents.
The next time you see the children outside in such garb, immediately call child protective services.
That constitutes child abuse…..
Same can be said if a child is wearing Michigan Wolverine clothing….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I was downright afraid after I read what Hootie Snitch wrote about Fulmer Claus coming into your house for Christmas! Now I ain’t completely sure but I think he may have snuck in our trailer house after we went to sleep.
Is there a sign or something that would tell me that Fulmer Claus was in our house?
Thanks and a Big Ole War Dam Eagle to you and Yours!

Chip and Susan – Opelika, Alabama

A: There are two signs actually Chip….
Your dog is pregnant and there are orange boogers on the couch….
The good news is the orange boogers should fit nicely with the rest of your décor….

Q: Mister Wizard –
First we want to thank you for a year of prognostications and humor!
Secondly I was wondering if you could settle a bet in our family this Christmas.
What is your favorite Christmas movie? Is it “It’s a Wonderful Life” or is it “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase? (Those are the two choices we came up with)
Can you settle the bet for us; a fruit cake hangs in the balance.

The Roger’s Family – Little Rock, Arkansas

A: Thank you for the kind and generous words Roger’s Family….
However….
My two favorite Holiday Classics are Billy Jack and Lone Wolf McQuade with Chuck Norris.
I believe if Chuck Norris would have roundhouse kicked Mr. Potter in the first ten seconds of “It’s a Wonderful Life” there wouldn’t have been any need for Clarence the Angel to go through that nut roll to get his wings.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am somewhat surprised that a Neanderthal such as yourself and being a Marine as well, that you haven’t mentioned a word about the President eliminating the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy” from the Armed Forces. This is a glorious day in our country when homosexuals can proudly come out of the closet and into the mainstream of the military and I am perplexed as to your lack of commenting.
We were all expecting some kind of crude, childish sophomoric remarks from you.

Claire “Butch” Dykeson
Gay and Lesbian Coalition, San Francisco California

A: On the contrary Claire…..
I too am greatly encouraged.
Since the Government has decided to turn our once proud military into a perverted social experiment, It has motivated me to push legislation to end the worst of all injustices in our society today….
That’s right….
I am talking about not allowing blind people to operate heavy equipment, such as cranes and wrecking balls. The policy known as “If you can’t see, you can’t drive” has discriminated against blind people for decades. You may say; “what if they strike the wrong building with a wrecking ball?” And to that I say, you can put a price on a building but you can’t put a price on injustice.
I say end the discrimination and let blind people operate heavy equipment.

Makes sense, right?

NEW YEAR MESSAGE FROM HOOTIE SNITCH

First things First…..
Hope yawl all had a Very Merry Christmas…..

Because you better get ready…..

Cause in 2011 the Tennessee Volunteers are fixing to be Number Damn One!

So Happy New Year Yawl!
GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS FOR THE NEW YEAR
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

I was a thinking the other day and I wrote me a little poem about all the things been going on.

Here it goes….

Ah’s out by the pond, with an ice cold beer
Sippin dat brew, got a fish on da line.
Ah was thankin bout thangs, Ah saw on TV
On my old black and white, yeah, it suited me.

See they was a thang, on tha’ Eee-Ess-Pee-EeN
Said some Ohia State players, was guilty as sin.
Them boys took ‘em some britches, and trinkets and thangs
And sold ‘em all off, for what money they’d brang.

And ah got ta thankin bout the EN-Cee-A-A
And wonderin’ what kinda B.S., they was gon’ say.
Cause I member back, a couple a months
Bout that boy Cam, and some a his stunts.

Ole, Cam’s a big boy, he’s a helluba playa
Wore out dem Game-Cocks, ran ober a Gata.
But what stuck in my craw, was fore he came a Tiger
His daddy, a preacher, came off like a liar.

See there was some folks, from Miss’ssippi State
They wanted him bad, so he’d change their fate.
But HIS daddy Cecil, dat ole preacher man,
Was gon’ make ‘em pay, he wanted a few grand.

But he didn’t end up playin, over in Stark-ville
He signed with Auburn, gave them folks a thrill.
Now that left me thankin’, and scratchin my head,
How THEY got that boy, with no money bein’ shed.

But somebody got sump’in, ole Cecil cashed in.
Cause his church was in shambles, about to cave in.
But all of a sudden, ‘round first of the year,
His buildin’ was fixed up, all the church folks did cheer.

This whole situation, it stunk like a deuce,
Cause half the damn countrys, drankin’ Cammy Cam Juice.
One day he’s suspended, then one day he’s right back,
N-C-double-A, must’ve been high on crack.

They said that ole Cam, didn’t know what’s goin’ on
That his daddy’s at fault, just him that done wrong.
But the rules that they have, say any relation,
If they’s doin’ wrong, is gonna face some damnation.

So that arr’gant young buck, he got out and he played
Auburn climbed to Number one, and that’s where they stayed.
Gonna play Or’gon Quacks, gonna have a big bash,
Cause them College rules folks, all they want is cash.

So I scratched my head, right down to my scalp,
This whole situation, it aint worth a crap,
Cause what them college folks done, had no rhyme or no reason,
They need investigatin’, for fixin’ a season.

THE BOWL GAMES (PART II)

December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Forth Worth, Texas
Southern Methodist and Army
You are probably wondering why there is no security alerts issued for this game….
That there is no reported terrorist activity in the Fort Worth area…..
The answer is simple….
Chuck Norris lives near Fort Worth….

This one is for Dandy Don Meredith, the Mighty Mustang….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Bronx, New York
Kansas State and Syracuse
This Bowl Game in the “Bronx” in December….
(How damn stupid is that…)
Was originally called the “Car Jack Bowl”
Which is far more appropriate than naming a Bowl game after a type of suit…
WILDCATS 24-21

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Nashville, Tennessee
North Carolina and Tennessee
This Bowl game is sponsored by a mortgage company?
Well, you know what that means….
The winner gets a trophy….
And the loser losses a house….
VOWELS 33-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
San Diego, California
Nebraska and Washington
At first I thought the name of this Bowl game was a joke….
“Education” in California…..
They can’t balance the state’s budget because they are broke (Math)
They have a Governor that can’t speak English (Public Speaking)
A lot of people in the state are there illegally and can’t or won’t speak or write English rendering them illiterate (Writing)
The latest poll in Los Angles says that a preponderance of people there still think O.J. Simpson is innocent of the Murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman (Mental Retardation)
And if you ever took the time to read a California High School History book, let me break it down for you….America sucks and it’s all Whiteys fault.
Education in California….
That is a joke…

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-21

December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Charlotte, North Carolina
Clemson and South Florida
I have a question concerning this sponsorship..
Who is this Jewish guy and why does he care about your car?
DABO’S TIGERS 33-17

Hyundai Sun Bowl
El Paso, Texas
Miami and Notre Dame
There was a time this was one hell of a game….
But it’s not that time…
HURRICANES 28-24

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Memphis, Tennessee
Central Florida and Georgia
I like Memphis, maybe because I’m an Elvis man…
Thank you, thank you very much…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Atlanta, Georgia
Florida State and South Carolina
I have gotten a number of emails from both camps concerning this Bowl.
Here is the question that will determine the course of the game.
Which Garcia is going to show up for the Bowl game?
Here is your answer….
SEMINOLES 31-21

January 1st 2011

TicketCity Bowl
Dallas, Texas
Northwestern and Texas Tech
I cannot in good conscience support a Bowl game when the sponsors don’t even know where the damn game is being played. The game is in DALLAS, not TicketCity (Which I think is a speed trap outside of Nashville, Tennessee)
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 31-28

Outback Bowl
Tampa, Florida
Penn State and Florida
Joe Pa’s Lions are better on paper….
But this is Urban’s last game as a Gator…
And it won’t be played on paper
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Capital One Bowl
Orlando, Florida
Michigan State and Alabama
The Co-Big Ten Champion against the 2009 National Champions
It’s going to be a heck of a game
CRIMSON TIDE 34-24

Gator Bowl
Jacksonville, Florida
Michigan and Mississippi State
The City of Jacksonville, Florida wisely passed an ordinance when they realized the Michigan Wolverines were invited to the Bowl game. It is illegal for Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita to appear on any Jacksonville beaches in anything other than a NASA space suit.
Wise move….
BULLY DOGS 31-28

Rose Bowl game presented by VIZIO
Pasadena, California
Wisconsin and Texas Christian
This is a must see game between two outstanding programs…
I’m just not sure why a Japanese guy is presenting it….
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 28-24

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Glendale, Arizona
Oklahoma and Connecticut
The Boys from Connecticut are going to be introduced to…
A Oklahoma Ass Whipping..
Believe it
BOOMER SOONERS 43-17

January 3rd 2011

Discover Orange Bowl
Miami, Florida
Virginia Tech and Stanford
The Cardinal has too much Luck for the Fighting Turkeys
CARDINAL 38-21

January 4th 2011

Allstate Sugar Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Arkansas and Ohio State
Everyone is picking the Buckeyes in this one…
Except me
HAWGS 31-24

January 6th 2011

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Mobile, Alabama
Miami (OH) and Middle Tennessee State
I dearly love Mobile and I would like to be in the Flora-Bama Lounge as your reading this…
However, what the hell are they doing scheduling this game the day after the Sugar Bowl?
I don’t get it…
REDHAWKS 34-17

January 7th 2011

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Arlington, Texas
Texas A&M and LSU
Before I make my selection here…..
It’s important to note that Jerry “dumbass” Jones helped move the Cotton Bowl from Dallas (Where God Almighty intended it to be, Amen) to his stadium in Arlington where the Cowboys play. I have on good authority that is why God is punishing the Cowboys and preventing them from going to the playoffs. Amen
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-21

January 8th 2011

BBVA Compass Bowl
Birmingham, Alabama
Pittsburgh and Kentucky
I am all too familiar with the litany of acronyms across the military spectrum.
However, it confounds me as to why the maker of a compass has to put his initials in front of it.
Never mind…
JOKERS CATS 28-17

January 9th 2011

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
San Francisco, California
Boston College and Nevada
If “Kraft” really wanted to “Fight” hunger they would make those individually wrapped cheese slices easier to unwrap. Why the hell do those things have to be child proof anyway?
Its Cheese damn it.
PACK OF WOLVES 34-17

January 10th 2011

Tostitos BCS National Championship Game
Glendale, Arizona
Auburn and Oregon
No one is really talking about Oregon…..
Which traditionally isn’t a good sign for the favored team
However, I am going with the Southeastern Conference in this one…
And the best player money could buy.
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-34

2010 Post Season……

I want to thank you all for reading my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and not-so-good, they keep me honest. I will have periodic updates up until the BCS National Championship game and there will be a post game review of the festivities. So stay tuned.
But before I depart I wanted to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…
Happy New Year…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

ROLL TIDE
THE CFB WIZARD

(AP) Auburn, Alabama…

It has been reported that Auburn quarterback Cam Newton found “yet another” bag of cash in his locker today after practice, just the latest awesome gift he has received via the “Auburn football Secret Santa gift exchange”.

“Dis is a great program. A program, dat supports its af-lettes,” said Newton. “Like you know, them other schools have Secret Santa’s, but the thing that’s great about ours is it’s like dis year-round. In fact, I’ve been getting me gifts since the day I walked in here.”

Most of the cash, goods, electronics and services Newton has been given have had no Christmas markings at all. Which lead the Auburn quarterback to only one conclusion….

“Auburn has them some elfs that be working on the af-lettic department. I know dat Mister Lowder runs dis place and even though he don’t look like Santa, he knows how to deliver the goodies” said Newton. “That’s why he be changing things up like that. You know, sometimes he’ll just have a booster, (I mean elf) hand me an envelope of cash to confuse me even more.”

Cam went on to give encouragement to Auburn fans and about his future in College Football…
“You know with the salary cap in pro football and all, I figured I could make mo money here next year, I mean, why take a pay cut am I right? So I am thinking about staying fo one mo year”

While Newton has received some of his Secret Santa gifts directly, others have been funneled first through his father, the Rev. Cecil Newton.

“As a Reverend and a man of the cloth, I know many things about the Holy Christmas holiday,” said Rev. Newton. “So I can say, for example, that a gift of an iPad with 3G and Wi-Fi is more appropriate than one with just Wi-Fi or just a regular iPod. In other words a Mercedes is better than a Buick, if you catch my meaning. The Lord loves a cheerful giver.”

The Heisman-winning quarterback says he has also been a generous Secret Santa himself.
“I didn’t sign up for the program, but I sort of see Auburn University as my Secret Santa, you know like I’m paying it backwards or something,” he said. “I’ve earned them millions and millions and millions of dollars this year. You’re welcome, Auburn. Don’t spend it all in one place.”

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

So here I am in Satan’s Butt Crack….
Watching the National Championship Game…

Yes “The” National Championship Game

Yelling loud enough that, according to NASA, lights dim as far away as San Antonio

Then it happened….
Alabama’s attempted fake punt on the first possession of the first quarter caused my spleen to jump out of my belly button…

If that wasn’t bad enough…..
I had no internet connection after the game…..

Maybe I was yelling too much?
Never mind that’s impossible…

But I am doing much better now, Thank you all for the cards and letters.

So let’s talk about the game…..

It’s still hard to believe….

The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
Are the 2009 undefeated National Champions of Collegiate Football

The “13th” Championship for the University of Alabama

14-0-0

The Tide’s first Heisman Trophy winner…..

The first time the University of Alabama ever defeated Texas….

It was a season to remember and one I doubt anyone will ever forget…
I certainly won’t

The Championship game itself…
As we all know…..

Could have gone either way…
What if?

Colt would have stayed in the game or been able to come back and play?

What if?
The Longhorns wouldn’t have turned the ball over (repeatedly) and Alabama scored before the first half ended?

But there was no quit in the Longhorns…
Texans are tougher than that…
They came storming back…

But they fell short…

The Texas Longhorns, coaches, players, alumni and fans are nothing but first class…
Always have been and always will be….

I don’t know if my buddy Lee is still on the couch in Texas….
but I understand his Longhorn bride is as sweet as she is beautiful, so I feel confident all is well by now.

As for me….

Click here to view the embedded video.

I am so very proud for my beloved University of Alabama…..
The Mighty Crimson Tide Coaches, players, fans and alumni…

I am so proud, I am speechless….

I am Truly in awe….

It’s been a long time my friends…

The National Championship is back Home…..

Sweet Home Alabama…….

ROLL TIDE ROLL

MEB

Post Game….

In a couple of days we will catch up on the latest and perhaps not so greatest news from around the college football world
(Cue the Carousel music) as well as answer some long awaited viewer emails.

And…..

Hootie Snitch the self proclaimed “Number One Vol Fan” on the planet
will weigh in with his unique perspective on the coaching situation in “Big Orange” country.

So stay tuned…

As the sun sets on the end of another year….
It’s time to wrap up the Bowl season
And the National Championship

Safety Tip: For those of you reading this on January 1st……
This column is not written or designed in 3D…..
If you are seeing double
You “may” have had too much of Grandpa’s Couch Medicine last night.

As I set here in my new Urban Myer Flip Flops and prepare to return to Satan’s Butt crack
Wait, I can’t decide if I like these things or not….
Never mind….
I decided I like them…
Or do I?

Never mind….
I will wear one flip flop around for another day and decide if I will keep them.

Before we go any further I want to say
The folks in Lubbock made a bad decision firing Coach Leach..
A Very Bad Decision

You may be wondering what New Year Resolutions I will make this year

My 2010 New Year’s Resolutions are quite simple
This year I will no longer introduce myself as “Gary Busey’s Illegitimate Son”
(But I did enjoy signing all the autographs last year)
I will no longer judge people on their height, weight and color of their eyes.
Instead I will judge people based upon whether or not they like ABBA.
(They suck by the way)
And perhaps most important of all
I intend on taking more time this year to enjoy my extensive collection of…
Herve Villechaize albums of classic Love Songs

These Urban Myer Flip Flops make me jump from subject to subject
Don’t they?
I am taking them off for good….
I changed my mind, I’m keeping them

Have a Great Year my Friends……

Enjoy!

One other thing…..
For you that doubt the soothing power of Herve Villechaize classic Love Songs
Please enjoy the following short clip
And before you ask….
“No” you may not borrow my albums

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BOWL GAMES

Friday January 1st 2010

OUTBACK BOWL
Tampa Florida
Northwestern and Auburn
With both teams in this game being of the feline variety
I would have thought it more appropriate to have this game
Sponsored by “Tidy Cat”
Never Mind…..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 33-24

CAPITAL ONE BOWL
Orlando Florida
Penn State and LSU
Lions and Tigers O’ My!
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-17

KONICA MINOITA GATOR BOWL
Jacksonville Florida
West Virginia and Florida State
In Honor of Coach Bobby’s last game…
The College Football Hall of Fame will display the legendary Coach’s sideline apparel in a special exhibit honoring the Tallahassee legend.
On display will be Coach Bobby’s Vietcong “Coaches” hat, welding goggles and trousers with a forty inch zipper.
SEMI-NOLES 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder…..
Considering the title sponsor of this bowl game…
Does the winner of this game get something that looks like a Komodo Dragon?

ROSE BOWL
Pasadena California
The Ohio State and Oregon
The Granddaddy of them all…..
The Ducks can go Quack themselves…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-17

ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
New Orleans
Florida and Cincinnati
This one will be nothing but Gators…..
Believe it…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Saturday January 2nd 2010

AT&T COTTON BOWL
Dallas Texas
Oklahoma State and Ole Miss
I had some of the best days of my life in Dallas…..
Not that it really matters here…..
I had a variety of headlines for this game I wanted to use…
“The Prairie Wind touches Ole Miss is a naughty place”
“These Rebels are Nutts”
“You can’t beat Ole Miss Nutts”
But you expect higher standards from me
So I will simply say
NUTTY REBELS 34-24

AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL
Memphis Tennessee
East Carolina and Arkansas
The winner of this game gets a free oil change and a tire rotation.
Which is nice…
RAZORBACKS 38-17

INTERNATIONAL BOWL
Toronto Canada
South Florida and Northern Illinois
Let me tell you what I learned about Canada….
When the speed limit signs say “80”
They mean “80 Kilometers an Hour” which equates to about “50 miles per hour”
For those you that may be wondering what “80 miles an hour” is in Kilometers?
It’s 128 Kilometers an Hour, at least that’s what my ticket said.
That’s No Bull
SUNSHINE BULLS 28-24

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL
Birmingham Alabama
Connecticut and South Carolina
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Connecticut” he spits halfway across the room?
STEVE’S GAMECOCKS 38-17

VALERO ALAMO BOWL
San Antonio Texas
Texas Tech and Michigan State
I believe having a Mexican sponsorship for the Alamo Bowl
Is just plain wrong.
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-28

Monday January 4th 2010

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
Glendale Arizona
Texas Christian and Boise State
There is only one thing that can be said about this game
It’s going to be a dandy
HORNED FROGS 24-23

Tuesday January 5th 2010

FEDEX ORANGE BOWL
Miami Florida
Georgia Tech and Iowa
As many close games as these two teams have played this year
Don’t you think “Nine Lives Cat Food” should be the sponsor?
Just wondering…
RAMBLING WRECK 31-17

Wednesday January 6th 2010

GMAC BOWL
Mobile Alabama
Central Michigan and Troy
For those fans and alumni of the two schools seeing the local sights before the game
I need to point out that due to a “funding” problem the statue of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at the Flora-Bama Lounge has yet to be completed.
I just thought you should know.
CHIPPEWA’S 33-31

Thursday January 7th 2010

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Pasadena California
The University of Texas Longhorns and The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
This will be a battle for the ages…..
Lee, It’s two more weeks on the couch for you my friend.
CRIMSON TIDE 33-21

I hope you all have a healthy and happy New Year
Hope to see you all next year

RTR
MEB