Last Week (Week 5 if you are keeping count and I know you are) was the equivalent of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator stepping on a rake and getting smacked in the jimmy.

Last week I was a disappointing 46 and 21 or 69%.

I know, I can hardly believe it myself

That leaves Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at 300 and 66 or 82% for the season.

But my lack of productivity last week gives me the opportunity to share with you my Top Three Favorite Excuses on why I didn’t perform up to par in Week 5….

1. The Sun was in my eyes
2. I had a rock in my shoe
3. I don’t play well on artificial turf

Enjoy your Picks….

HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER OF THE WEEK

This Week’s High School player(s) of the week:

The Summerville High School Green Wave is a powerhouse football team in the Charleston, S.C. area. The West Ashley Wildcats are relatively new to the Low Country football scene as it has only been in existence since 2000. However, the newcomers took on the tried and tested Wave in a battle for Low Country supremacy and the Wildcats walked away with a victory.

The Cats were led by running back K. Eady who had a 32 yard touchdown run for the only offensive touchdown scored in the contest. That was followed, later in the game, by what turned out to be the game winning 20 yard field goal by young C. Cashion. These two youngsters finally got the ‘Cats their first win against the vaunted Green Wave with a 10-7 victory.

Oh, did I mention that the running back’s name is Karon Eady?

Or that the place kicker’s name is Caroline Cashion?

I didn’t think so. These two young ladies gave new meaning to the term “Girls Gone Wild” with their impressive showing Friday night.

Congratulations, girls

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Welcome from the heart of SEC country.

Our boys in blue came out on the short end of a 21-0 score in a game taking on Bacon County. These kids put up a valiant effort against a tough Red Raider team from Alma, Georgia in a battle of supremacy for South Georgia Pride. The Raiders made the drive down to McRae sporting a 5-1 record with their only loss coming against traditional Class A powerhouse Clinch County and they showed why they’re sporting this winning record. The Trojans just didn’t quite have enough to hang on and now prepare for a trip to Ocilla for a matchup and possible win against the 1-5 Irwin County Indians. Keep your heads up, boys. After moving into this new Region 2-A region, we’ve got a much tougher schedule than in years past.
Everyone in Telfair County is behind you.

Meanwhile, up in Athens, the home state Bulldogs took on the Mississippi State Bulldogs in a battle of Canine bragging rights. The Athens Dogs proved to be rude hosts in turning back the Starkville crowd by a 24-10 score between the hedges. There were obviously no souvenir sprigs of those historic hedges gathered by the visitors as they never really got anything going and, truth be told, looked lost at times. The only area of concern was that our Red Heads jumped out to a 21-3 lead at the half and then went into cruise control for the rest of the game. Our orange clad, and yes, tacky, neighbors north of the border, are next on the agenda.

Next for the Bulldogs is an away game in Knoxville. Derek may be a Dooley, but he aint getting any love from South of Chattanooga on this day.

Meanwhile, up in Raleigh, the North Avenue Trade School took on an angry mob of Dogs and came away with a 45-35 win. The Slide Rule Jocks made this a little closer than anticipated in avenging a slip up last year against the Carolina State Mutts. The takeaway is this. Defense needs to break out the calculators and figure out how to stop an offense pretty fast or there could be some disappointments in our state capitol.

And I would be completely negligent if I didn’t throw out some kudos to the Eagles from up the road in Statesboro. The Eagles, who also have a mascot who flies around the stadium (but doesn’t get off course and fly into glass windows), topped the home standing Elon Phoenix by a 41-14 score. These birds also have the distinction of being # 1 in FCS competition, the first time they’ve attained that lofty spot since 2001. Congrats Eagles and keep up the good work.

In other games, the Chicken’s chickens finally came home to roost against the Alabama Plainsmen on Saturday. I don’t know who looked worse in this game but as the old Head Ball Coach said, this offense looks “putrid.” There might be some changes in Columbia on the horizon for the Yard Birds.

And over in Arlington, a bunch of testy Hogs welcomed the most recent addition to the conference to the SEC with a 42-38 win over the Aggies of Texas A&M. I think even the cadets were ready to turn their weapons on their team as they squandered a big lead and fell to the SEC West’s 3rd best team. We all know the old saying; be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.

And in the Big Ten-ish Conference, that darling of the media, O-hiya State was defeated by the Spartans of Michigan by a “huge” margin, 10 – 7. It must be rough on the Buckeyes. You can phone in your appreciation to Coach Tressel via Verizon Wireless, toll free.

Last, but not least, the mighty USC Trojans squeaked by in a close contest with PAC 10-ish those mighty Wildcats of Arizona. That would be the 1-4 variety kittens. They must have been dancing in the streets in Compton and L.A. after this big win.

Finally, it’s time for the Peach State Prognostication.
This is my prediction of the “Good Old Fashioned Hate” rivalry between the Dogs and Jackets if they played today. Last week, I predicted a 31-28 score favoring the Wreck.
This week, I’m going with this: 31-30……….. Jackets.

And I’m torn. The Dog’s young running back Isaih Crowell impressed me, gutting out some tough yards with bruised ribs. Tech’s offense was a little off, but the Defense is definitely an area of concern. I’ve gotta give the slight nod to the Jackets as long as the dogs have a hard time getting on track. Until they get rolling, gotta stay with the Bee’s.
Let’s see what next week reveals.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

SOUTH FLORIDA: You are aware….
That you can take your “first team” with you to road games, right? I’m just checking..

Because last Saturday it looked like you left them all at the Tampa Airport

ILLINOIS: The Fighting Pumpkins are 5 and 0 for the first time in sixty years…
Yes, I said sixty years.

And you know what that means?

The fact that the Pumpkins are currently undefeated is one of the signs of the coming Apocalypse

PENN STATE: Last Saturday Joe Pa coached his 700th game…..

700 college football games as the Head Football Coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions

Great win last Saturday for a Great Coach and a living Legend

UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY: I can’t believe it….
I picked the Black Knights of the Hudson to win last week and they actually won…

I almost cried

MARSHALL: I can assume by your performance last Saturday that my weekly taunts and sarcastic remarks motivated you Thundering Herd to victory over the Louisville Cardinals.

You’re Welcome

SOUTHERN METHODIST: I never should have doubted my Proud Ponies last week.
Congratulations on winning the Battle of the Iron Skillet….

The Iron Skillet belongs to Coach June and the Mighty Mustangs

OHIO STATE: If Buckeyes don’t pick up the pace…..
They will be headed to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Dahlonega Georgia

CLEMSON: These are not the kitty cats of years past….
The Mighty Tigers have defeated three top teams in as many weeks and are currently undefeated.

I know my adopted Clemson Family is Happy and I’m Happy for you.

TEXAS: The Red River Rivalry this week will determine if the Longhorns are really back.
My guess?
Read this week’s picks for the answer.

CARSON NEWMAN: Spark’s Eagles have NEVER lost two games in a row…..
That I can remember…
Until last week….
Not to add any additional pressure to your season, but you guys are killing my weekly average
Just so you know

WISCONSIN: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NEW MEXICO STATE: Congratulations to Lasso Larry for defeating the Lobo’s and winning
“The Maloof Trophy” and just for the record…
I still think that trophy looks like a possum on a stick

ARKANSAS: Didn’t I tell you Razorback fans that you were going to beat the Aggies?
And you didn’t believe me did you?
You all have some “trust” issues, I’m just saying

SOUTH CAROLINA: This is for the 113 Carolina Gamecock Fans that sent me emails complaining about my write up in the “Preseason Extravaganza” when I didn’t mention South Carolina as a “contender”.

Now you know why I didn’t list them as a “contender”, don’t you?

EMAIL QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
You have been a little hard on our beloved Sooner’s lately, so I have an idea.
I don’t know if you have ever been to Oklahoma, but I would like to cordially invite you to Norman Oklahoma for a Sooner football game!

We will show you what Boomer Sooner hospitality is all about!

The Davis Family – Norman, Oklahoma

A: Thank you for the invitation…
However there are two very good reasons why I don’t visit Oklahoma.

I have seen the movie “Oklahoma!” and I refuse to walk around all day singing and dancing.
(I have no idea how you all getting anything done singing and dancing all day)

And secondly (although most importantly) My Texas citizenship would be revoked if I came to Oklahoma, even for a visit.

THE GAMES

Thursday October 6th

Western Kentucky at Middle Tennessee State
The Blue Raiders are tough to beat under the lights in Murfreesboro and the Hilltopper’s mascot looks like the offspring of Chewbacca’s sister and the Cool-aide guy.
Enough said….
RAIDERS of BLUE 33-17

Arkansas – Monticello at Delta State
This game features the surprising Boll Weevils of Arkansas and my beloved Fighting Okra.
Except for Okra Winfrey there isn’t anything I don’t love about Okra.
FIGHTING OKRA 24-21

California at Oregon
I had every intention of watching this thrilling matchup from a bottom tiered football conference but The Animal Planet is suppose to have Rhino’s on Roller Skates on at the same time.
Don’t worry, I have on good authority that…
No Rhino’s will be harmed in the “Roller Boogie” portion of the program
QUACKS 6-5

Friday October 7th

Boise State at Fresno State
Not really sure why this is a rivalry game, but it is…
This game is called “The Battle for the Milk Can”
(And “No” I’m not making this up)
And as you might have guessed…
The winner of the game gets a Milk Can
Yippee
MILKY WAY BRONCO’S 33-28

Saturday October 8th

Oklahoma at Texas
This is the Red River Rivalry
It’s played each year during the Texas State Fair at the Cotton Bowl (As God intended it)
Pure and simple this game is hatred personified.
The teams, the fans, and the alumni dislike each other intensely.
Sometimes I make picks based on statistics and trends and other times I pick with my heart.
No matter where I am, I am always Deep in the Heart of Texas
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 33-31

Maryland at Georgia Tech
The Linoleum Tile Turtles takes on the Rambling Wreck of Tech in Atlanta
And if you are wondering “why” this game is so important, it’s because…
Across the street from the Tech stadium is the Home to the greatest chili dogs in the world
“The Varsity”
Believe it…
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17

Mississippi State at UAB
The Bulldogs travel to Legion Field in Birmingham to take on the Blazers
The sign in the stadium still says “The Football Capital of the South”
Those were the days…
BULLY DOGS 38-10

Minnesota at Purdue
This Big Ten (or Twelve) Rivalry is played each year for..
“Herbert’s Sphincter Cannon”
Word to the wise…
You don’t want to be around when Herbert’s cannon goes off…
BOILERMAKERS 20-17

Louisville at North Carolina
I can’t make up my mind about these two teams…
One week the Cardinals are Strong and the next week they are getting sand kicked in their face
One week the Heels are Tarred and the next week they get feathered.
This is one a tossup
HEELS of TAR 24-17

Connecticut at West Virginia
Smoldering couches on Sunday morning smells like….
“Victory..”
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
This game has jobs on the line and reputations at stake (yes, it does…)
It’s going to be closer than you might think
GAMECOCKS 24-17

North Alabama at Arkansas Tech
The folks from Arkansas Tech are called “The Wonder Boys”
Well, “wonder” no longer boys
MIGHTY LIONS 42-17

Florida State at Wake Forest
Maybe it’s just me….
But instead of having some student in a foam rubber costume
I wish the Demon Deacon mascot was Jimmy Swaggert…
He’s a hoot when he’s all liquored up, on a crying jag and waving his arms in the air
Never mind
NOLES 38-10

Memphis at Rice
Neither one of these teams could beat the Odessa Perriman Panthers in Odessa Texas
And that’s a fact
ELVIS’S TIGERS 17-10

Murray State at Georgia State
I cannot in good conscience pick any team that Bill Curry is associated with.
That being said….
PACERS 28-17

Army at Miami (OH)
I might be wrong….
But I don’t think the boys from West Point can put together a two game winning streak here
REDHAWKS 33-17

Marist at Davidson
I don’t know that much about David’s Son, but that Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 24-21

Montana Western at North Dakota
I know some members of the NCAA Speech Police read this column because I read the emails.
This pick is for them….
FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! FIGHTING SIOUX! 33-10

San Diego at Valparaiso
This game features “Torero’s” and “Crusaders”….
I think I saw a “Torero” last night on a commercial…
It’s that new burrito looking thing they are selling at Taco Bell that looks like a cut-away of a large intestine. Now why would you want to name your football team after something like that?
CRUISERS 27-14

Temple at Ball State
You don’t really care about this game do you?
I didn’t think so
HOOT OWLS 34-31

Florida International at Akron
The Panthers have let me down the past couple of weeks
But it’s time for the Hilton to get loose…
HILTON PANTHERS 33-31

Illinois at Indiana
This Big Ten and cross state rivalry game is played annually for the…
“Puddin’ Tane Trophy”, ask me again and I will tell you the same
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-10

Chattanooga at Georgia Southern
The Eagles of Southern are the Number One team in the country in their respective division.
That ranking won’t change after Saturday
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-21

Boston College at Clemson
This Atlantic Coast Conference Rivalry is played for “The Leather Helmet” and..
The O’Rourke-McFadden Trophy
Which (by the way) has nothing to do with Mickey Rourke or Johnny McFadden
Just so you know
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

North Dakota State at Southern Illinois
The folks from Southern are called the “Salukis”…
That sounds like a pesky foot fungus if you ask me.
Which is disgusting…
THUNDERING BISON 28-24

Missouri at Kansas State
I know, I know….
The Wildcats of State are winning and winning….
But Mo knows there is more than one way to skin a cat
MO’S TIGERS 28-24

Central Michigan at North Carolina State
I really don’t know what to think about the latest Public Service Announcement from the Department of Agriculture. Have you seen it?
“Chippewa’s; the other white meat”
(I think that is very inappropriate)
PACKS of WOLVES 28-24

Ohio at Buffalo
The Bobcats are rolling and the Boy’s from Buffalo are just winging it.
(In case you were wondering, “yes” that was Buffalo Wings reference)
FRANK’S CATS 38-10

Arizona State at Utah
The Two Ute’s has too much Ute on their team to complete with the Devils from the Sun.
SUNNY DEVILS 31-28

Iowa at Penn State
This is going to be an old fashioned Big Ten battle in the trenches.
It’s going to be a real tussle and could go either way…
But I believe Joe Pa still has a trick or two up his depends.
JOE PA’S LIONS 23-17

Southern Miss at Navy
This one is going to be close, real close….
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Miami at Virginia Tech
Please see “Southern Miss and Navy” above…
Then wash, rinse and repeat….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
The Mighty Spark’s Eagles will not lose three games in a row….
Or I will have to go into the Witness Protection Program (again…)
SPARK’S EAGLES 34-31

Florida at LSU
I have a great deal of respect for both of these teams, so I won’t belabor the point or make some funny witticism concerning this game. But it’s going to be closer than you might think
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-21

Pittsburgh at Rutgers
If these two teams were entertainers they would be “Siegfried and Roy”
ROY’S PANTHERS 24-17

Air Force at Notre Dame
I wouldn’t call this an “Upset” unless you were a Fighting Irish fan…
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

Montana State at Portland State
The Bobcats will ground the Vikings..
Believe it
BOBCATS 38-17

Arkansas Pine Bluff at Jackson State
The Golden Lions of Pine Bluff will be tarnished by Walter’s Tigers on Saturday.
And as a side note: the Battle of the Bands at halftime in this game is not to be missed.
WALTER’S TIGERS 43-24

Valdosta State at Ouachita Baptist
I have an interesting fact about the Ouachita Baptist…
They refuse to make love standing up because..
They are afraid someone will see them and think they are dancing.
DANCING BAPTIST 31-24

Montana at Idaho
This is a Big rivalry game…
And it is played each year for the “Little Brown Stein”
I bet you are surprised I knew that..
I am a mental storehouse for “strange facts known by few”
(It’s a blessing and a curse)
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-24

Marshall at Central Florida
The Thundering Herd Thundered through Louisville last Saturday
But the Boys from O-Town (Not the defunct Boy Band) are ready…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

Iowa State at Baylor
The Cyclones are a dangerous team (when they want to be)…
And the Bears are way overrated….
CYCLONES 33-31

Auburn at Arkansas
The War Eagle faithful has reminded me (repeatedly) that I haven’t picked them to win since the first week and they would be correct in that assertion. Let’s keep the streak going, shall we?
HAWGS 38-24

Michigan at Northwestern
Another Big Ten (or twelve) Game and you know exactly what that means…
Another game for a coveted Rivalry Trophy!
This game is played for the “Mask of Yak Trophy”
Which oddly enough looks like former Michigan “first lady” Rita Rodriguez without makeup.
WOLVERINES 38-10

Georgia at Tennessee
I have read a number of emails recently from Volunteer fans “claiming” among other things that “I never say anything positive about their program”. I was hurt and dismayed by those accusations and vowed to rectify this perceived wrong, because after all, I work very hard to leave each reader with hope and optimism concerning their teams in each and every article.
With that being said….
Recently I saw former University of Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer on a television commercial promoting tourism to Gulf Shores Alabama. In the commercial Phil Fulmer was wearing a t-shirt and shorts.

In that t-shirt…..
Phil Fulmer’s man boobs looked like old orangutan monkey boobs.
SIC EM DOGS 31-28

Texas A&M at Texas Tech
The Aggies are madder than Wynonna Judd at a Weight Watchers meeting…
But on a positive note: If you are ever in Lubbock Texas, you have to see the Buddy Holly Museum, you won’t be disappointed Peggy Sue.
GIG EM AGGIES 33-17

East Carolina at Houston
The Pirates of Carolina are in for a rude awakening in H-Town
This isn’t the wounded and beat up Cougars from last year
These boys are healthy
MIGHTY COUGARS 38-17

Vanderbilt at Alabama
The Commodores always play the Tide tough, and this game will be no exception.
CRIMSON TIDE 28-14

UNLV at Nevada
This is the biggest rivalry game in the state of Nevada…
Actually it’s the only rivalry game in the state of Nevada, but who’s counting
This game is called “The Battle of Nevada” and it’s played for the “Fremont Cannon”.
Not to be confused in any way with the “Tippy McAllen Casino and Big Butt Cannon Buffett”
Those are two completely different things, just so you know
WOLF PACK 31-17

Colorado at Stanford
The Buffalo are pulling out all the stops to motivate the players this week!
The rumors are true!
You will not see “Ralphie” the Buffalo leading the Colorado team onto the field this Saturday.
It will be Wynonna Judd in a tube top…
(Sorry for the disturbing visual)
CARDINAL 43-10

Florida Atlantic at North Texas
The Hooter’s from Florida (Not the original location in Clearwater but someplace else..)
Are going to get an unhealthy does of the…
MEAN GREEN 34-17

Ohio State at Nebraska
The way these two teams are playing it wouldn’t surprise me if they both lost.
CHILDREN of the CORN 24-17

Syracuse at Tulane
The Orange got squeezed last week, but Orange you glad I picked you this week?
(I know that was weak, but honestly that’s all I had for this game, sorry)
OTTO the ORANGE 33-14

Wyoming at Utah State
Don’t remind me….
I know the Aggies have let me down as of late, but they won’t disappoint this week
Cowboy Down!
AGGIES UP 28-17

San Jose State at Brigham Young
Do you know the motto of the San Jose Football team?
“We are Everybody’s Homecoming Team”
COUGARS 34-14

Washington State at UCLA
My Black Lab “Doc” wanted to make this pick….
I knew he wanted to make the pick because he came up to the screen
Turned his head from side to side….
And walked away with a disgusted look on his face…
That means one thing..
BRUINS 28-24

Texas Christian at San Diego State
The Frogs got Dehorned Last week by the Mighty SMU Mustangs….
Lightening won’t strike twice in the same place
Believe it
HORNED FROGS 33-28

Kansas at Oklahoma State
The Prairie Wind is going to smack Jay’s Hawks in the naughty place…
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Arizona at Oregon State
Although State hasn’t played very well as of late…
I still believe in the Power of the Beaver
MIGHTY BEAVERS 24-21

Enjoy your games…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

This past week for me can best be summed up by those immortal words from…
“That Little Ol’ Band From Texas” ZZ Top when they said….

“Yes I’m bad, I’m nationwide….”

Your Favorite College Prognosticator was both “Bad” and “Nationwide” last week

But perhaps not for the reasons you might think…

I missed my “Upset Special” picking Marshall over Ohio
Which I “only” missed by 37 points, a new personal record for me by the way, and of course I missed a number of other important games last Saturday.

Then I hit yet another milestone….
It has been reported to me by the Staff at the CFB Wizard that I have now “officially” received hate mail from all 50 states as well as the territories of Guam and Puerto Rico…

In honor of this prestigious event I will share a few of my favorite hateful emails with you throughout the season; it will surely put a smile on your face.

In case you are interested I finished Week 3 at 52 and 11 or a rather disappointing 83% and for the season The CFB Wizard is 194 and 31 or 86%.

But enough about me, let’s get to this week’s picks

Enjoy….

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Hello again from the heart of SEC country!
Last week I happily reported that our hometown Telfair County Trojans came away with a victory. Unfortunately that didn’t carry over to this week as our heroes went down to defeat at the hands of Turner County 52-0. We put up a valiant effort but to no avail. Last week’s regional victory was our first in since the 2007 season, but this spirited group of young men will compete and continue to improve. Go Trojans.

In college football, our Georgia Bulldogs took on the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers up in Athens and came away a victor. During a press conference last week, Head Coach David Bennett professed that his team needed to play like a bunch of dogs rather than a bunch of prissy cats. Well, this game was anything BUT a dog fight as Mark Richt’s Bulldogs notched their first win of the season with a 59 – 0 beat down.
Meanwhile, up in Atlanta, the Georgia Institute of Technology notched another ‘W’ in their belt as they trounced Kansas 66 – 24 to avenge an embarrassing loss to the Jayhawks last year.

Hmmmm, Georgia 1-2 and Tech 3-0.
The Trade School needn’t get too excited and go buzzing about this quite yet.
It’s still awfully early in the season, and it seems that no matter how bad the Dawgs do, they always seem to have a little something for the Urban Bees come November.

Over in South Click, the Gamecocks rode Marcus Lattimore to a close victory over the Middies from Navy. This was such a close shave that Stephen Garcia won’t have to break out a Gillette for a couple of weeks. At 3 – 0 the Gamecocks should move up another notch in the standings but can they run the table? Trouble with Navy and a pesky group of Commodores on the horizon may prove to be their undoing. Clemson is proving that they may be the real deal with a convincing win over Auburn. The way the War Chickens were manhandled at Memorial Stadium you would have thought they were the ones that slammed into the Plexiglas last week instead of their wayward mascot.

I would be totally remiss if I didn’t say something about THE Ohio State Buckeyes.
After finishing their tour of cupcakes in Ohio, they finally came upon a little competition. Of course the aptly title Ineligible-Bowl proved to the Brown Nuts that they weren’t the 16th ranked powerhouse they and the national media thought they were.
It wasn’t even close.
The Coral Gable Con Crew quickly put Fickell in a pickle with a convincing 24 – 6 trouncing that netted the Big Bucks a whopping 35 yards through the air to complete the embarrassment.

Those Devils from Duke eked out a 1 point win over Boston College. BC had a chance to win it in the final minute but, alas, on the 25 yard field goal try the left goal post rejected the attempt like a Manute Bol reject of a Spud Webb jump shot.
Free Shoes U was again turned back by the Sooners. Guess Jimbo needs to keep recruiting and working his boys if he is ever going to get back to the upper echelons of the College Football world.
And lastly, Florida once again demonstrated their mastery over the Tenner-seeans courtesy of a big dose of Chris Rainey. Apparently the Volunteers are in a rebuilding phase of their program for ANOTHER year.
Derrick Dooley may need to go talk to his daddy to find out some of his secrets for turning a program around.

That’s it for this week folks!!! Make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
Remember, these are your future collegians of tomorrow!!

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

THE BEST OF THE CFB WIZARD HATEFUL EMAILS

The Below Emails were sent October of 2008

Q: You are inorant as hell!
You writte like you know what you are talking about except your inorant!
For your inforinmation Coach Phil Fulmer is the Greateset damn football coach to have ever (misspelled expletive) walkied the damn sidelines! His records speak for themselfes and you (misspelled expletive) Alabama and (misspelled expletive) Gatar people is just jealous cause he is so good and it don’t matter if none of our players is from Tennesse or not, everybody want to come to be a Vol cause we is winners! Think on that you inorant (misspelled expletive)

Sam – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Dear Sam, the next time you decide to send an angry email I have two words for you.
“Spell Check”

Q: Dear Sir

Your continued diatribe concerning the “ongoing” NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans is nothing short of rebel rousing, which I have come to expect from redneck southerners such as yourself.
However wouldn’t you think if there was anything to the “so called” allegations that the NCAA would have acted upon them? Or is that concept to difficult for you to grasp?

I have covered the University of Southern California Trojans throughout the Pete Carroll era and I can assure you, Coach Pete Carroll runs the cleanest program in College Football and the oversight provided by Athletic Director Mike Garrett is without equal.

Perhaps you continue to spout these lies about Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California because the good ole southern teams can’t hang with the Trojans.

Whatever the delusional reasoning you subscribe to, please get your facts straight before you continue to attack such noteworthy programs such as the University of Southern California.

Sincerely –
The Sports Editor
The Orange County Register

A: How do you like me now?

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

ESPN: Great idea having the two dumbest announcers on ESPN together for one game!

Jesse Palmer and Craig “My son is a wussy” James together!

The only thing better than listening to them consistently mispronounce player’s names while they make lame observations and stupid jokes for the entire game….
Would have them doing a commercial together for “Hooked on Phonics”

DUKE: I guess hell has frozen over….
The Blue Devils won a football game

But I have to add….
Watching those two Duke students trying to tear down the goal post last Saturday was just sad.

TEXAS A&M: I really think we should hold hands for a while before we get married…

ARMY: Here we go again…..

I pick you to win and you lose…
I pick you to lose and you win…
If this is some Army psychological warfare stunt you are pulling to confuse me…

Its working

OHIO STATE: What the Hell Buckeyes, What the Hell….

NORTH ALABAMA: Great win last Saturday in Cowboys Stadium Lions…
The Florence Lions are for Real this year, Believe it

CLEMSON: I told you so Tiger Fans, Congratulations…

MARSHALL: The “Thundering Herd” is playing more like the “Thundering Turds”

TEXAS: I am so proud of the Mighty Longhorns….

And despite what the stupid referee’s and the weak knee commentators said last week

Mr. Goodwin that was one hell of a hit you put on the California Kid…

Click here to view the embedded video.

WESTERN KENTUCKY: You let a bunch of “Fighting Trees” whip your ass Saturday..
I don’t have anything else to say about that…

COLORADO: Congratulations on beating Colorado State last week….

But shouting “We are Number One!” at the end of the game after you have only won “one” game…
Kind of makes you look silly.
I’m just saying

SOUTH CAROLINA: You all got a little Cocky last week didn’t you?

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

It’s been a while since I talked to you folks….
So I want you have a seat while I drop some knowledge on yo ass.
Last week I was down here at my home in Opp Alabama fishing at my favorite stream listening to all them sports commentators on the radio talking about this realignment and that realignment on some “Super Conferences”.
Let me tell you what I think about all that mess and listen good…

I have lived long enough to learn that if something ain’t broke don’t be trying to fix it.
What do I mean?

There was a time that people of my color produced the best music in the world.
The Temptations
The O’Jays
Motown Records
Sam Cooke
Marvin Gaye

To name but a few…

That was some music there; Lord Yes that was some kind of music and it still is…

Now days they make something that sounds like a cat and a possum fighting in a metal garbage can and they call that music. That ain’t damn music, that ain’t nothing but a lot of damn noise.

What does that have to do with all this talk about “super conferences”, everything…

Because they is all trying to change something for the worse and all it’s going to make is a bunch of noise

You have these universities and colleges running around like elementary school kids playing musical chairs trying to find some kind of better deal and for what?

Because they is a chasing the almighty dollar, that’s why.

They don’t give a hoot about traditional games, rivalries or the alumni and fans.

But they forgot one thing…

Chasing after money won’t never make you happy, or make you a winner.

There wasn’t nothing wrong with the Big 8 and the Southwest Conference either and they broke that up and ran for something better and what did that get them?

So here we are…

Colorado left the Big 12 for the Pacific something or another, only to get their ass kicked by Hawaii. What do they think they is going to do, actually win that Pacific conference title?

I will see my Rottweiler “Daisy” sprout wings and fly before that happens.

Then I heard Pittsburgh, Syracuse and Connecticut is a going to join the Atlantic Coast Conference.
Why, for the money?

You all ain’t a going to win nothing unless Virginia Tech, Georgia Tech, Miami, Florida State, North Carolina and Clemson suddenly decide they don’t want to play football anymore, which ain’t likely to happen.

Then you got them Aggies from Texas A&M that don’t care if they ever play them Texas Longhorns anymore, fans and alumni be damned.

And now Nebraska ain’t never going to play Oklahoma no more.
What does that say about all them folks?

I tell you what it says…

Money is more important than tradition, integrity of the game and the fans of them schools.

And that folks is a crying shame.

THE GAMES

Thursday September 22nd

Murray State at Tennessee Martin
These two teams are right down the road from each other and like a lot of neighbors
They don’t get a long…
RACERS 24-21

Wisconsin Oshkosh at Wisconsin Stout
Oshkosh By Gosh I don’t know how stout the one team is from the Land of Cheese but I’m going with….
WISCONSIN BY GOSH 21-17

Ouachita Baptist at Texas A&M Commerce
Interesting Factoid in this game….
A&M doesn’t want to recognize the Big 12 Conference anymore…
And Baptist don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or in the Liquor Store
BAPTIST REVIVAL 31-24

North Carolina State at Cincinnati
The Pack of Wolves invades Chili Town…
Gold Star or Skyline, it doesn’t matter; I’m a chili man..
CHILI KATS 28-24

Friday September 23rd

Central Florida at Brigham Young
The Boys from O-Town (Not the defunct Boy Band) come to the Land of Donny and Marie
I am feeling less country and a little more Rock and Roll today…
COUGARS 28-24

Saturday September 24th

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
Its Rivalry Season in the North!
And you know what that means, another trophy for the winner of this northern matchup.
This Game is played for the Bejeweled Giraffe Turd….
Or at least that’s what it looks like to me.
FIGHTING IRISH 33-17

Central Michigan at Michigan State
The defending Big Ten or Twelve Champions let me down last week.
The mighty Spartans will bounce back at the expense of the Chippewa’s.
Believe it
MEN OF SPARTA 33-28

Toledo at Syracuse
I would watch this game but…
“Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” will be on TBS at the same time.
It’s time to start Popping and Locking…
ORANGE 34-21

San Diego State at Michigan
The Ancient Aztecs will keep this game closer than you might think…
A Lot closer
WOLVERINES 33-31

Louisiana Monroe at Iowa
I won’t use any clever clichés to describe this game, I will keep it simple.
Monroe is going to get his ass kicked between his shoulder blades.
HAWKEYES 38-13

Newberry at Carson Newman
I prefer Mayberry over “new” Berry
For one simple reason..
I bet they don’t have an Ernest T. Bass in “new” Berry
Enough Said
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Eastern Michigan at Penn State
Joe Pa has got a “mean on” and you know what that means…
(No not that and you should be ashamed for thinking that’s what I meant)
It means….
Somebody is going to get a geriatric ass kicking
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-17

Southern Methodist at Memphis
My Proud Ponies invades the Land of Elvis and takes the Tigers to Heartbreak Hotel
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

Georgia at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt….
This week I don’t
SIC EM DAWGS 28-17

Temple at Maryland
I would watch this gridiron matchup, really I would…
But there is a VH1 “Behind the Music” Special on Flock of Seagulls
Those guys had funny hair
FIGHTING (UGLY UNIFORMED) TURTLES 38-21

Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
This rivalry in the Buckeye State is played annually for the coveted…
“Petrified Otter Pelt of Love”
Maybe it’s just me…
But I wouldn’t want to touch that damn thing
FALCONS 33-31

Presbyterian at Furman
The Blue Ho’s take on Chewbacca University in this match-up
(I’m sorry that sounded nasty)
FURRYMAN 28-24

Duquesne at Marist
If you say these two schools out loud in quick succession, you will spit on yourself
Not that it matters
That Marist is a Fox
RED FOXES 24-21

Massachusetts at Boston College
I was going to watch this game but I plan on going to Funky Town
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-17

Portland State at Texas Christian
Welcome to Texas!
Now please step over there and get your Horned Frog ass whipping
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Defiance at Franklin
Why is this college so “defiant”?
Sounds like they have an anger management problem
FRANK’S FRANKS 24-17

Juniata at Franklin Marshall
O’ So NOW Franklin decides to use his last name!
Who does he think he is anyway?
And why does he have two colleges?
I hope Juanita kicks his smart ass…
J-LO 24-21

Army at Ball State
O.K. Army….
Here we go again…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Ohio at Rutgers
I have gone against the Bobcats two of the last three weeks and lost each time…
I won’t make the same mistake this week
FRANK’S BOBCATS 33-31

Youngstown State at Indiana State
This game features Penguins and Fighting Trees…
Sounds like the Canadian version of the “Wizard of Oz”
FIGHTING TREES 33-17

Tennessee State at Air Force
Big John’s Tigers are going to be bombed in Colorado Springs
This game is going to be uglier than Wynona Judd in a polyester pant suit
MIGHTY FALCONS 43-10

Southern Miss at Virginia
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
That’s right, I said it
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Chattanooga at Appalachian State
The Mighty Moc’s are a decent football team, but the Mountaineers are just a little bit better
This one could go either way…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Gustavus Adolphus at St Olaf
The most notable thing about this game, other than these are two northern colleges, is the nonsensical “fight” song of St. Olaf entitled “Um Ya Ya”

“Um Ya Ya”
We come from St. Olaf, we sure are the real stuff.
Our team is the cream of the colleges great.
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious.
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.

Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya, Um Ya Ya
Um Ya Ya Ya

Don’t feel bad, I didn’t get it either….
FIGHTING OLE’S 21-17

Arkansas at Alabama
This game is going to be a slugfest between two outstanding teams.
Don’t leave your seat; this may come down to the last play of the game.
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Western Michigan at Illinois
If the Pumpkins look past these Broncos they will get kicked in the teeth
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 33-28

UAB at East Carolina
It has been reported that the “Blazers” in an effort to secure sponsorship have agreed to a limited partnership with “The Men’s Warehouse”, which seems like a natural match.
Not that it’s all that important here…
PIRATES 34-10

Catawba at Tusculum
If you say both of these schools names quickly you will cough up something unpleasant.
I’m just saying…
HOCK A LOOGIE 23-17

South Dakota at Wisconsin
This game is going to be uglier than Wynonna Judd in string bikini
BEHOLD THE POWER OF PASTEURIZED CHEESE WHIZ 49-0

EDITORS NOTE: If it makes you feel any better that visual made me throw up too.

Tulane at Duke
I wish I cared I really do…
But these two schools combined couldn’t beat Hoover High School in Hoover Alabama
And that’s a fact
DEVILS are BLUE 23-17

Virginia Tech at Marshall
The Mighty Turkeys of Tech are going to tame the “not so Thundering” Herd
Believe it
HOKEY POKEY 38-10

Colorado at Ohio State
I never thought I would be saying this about the Buckeyes.
This is a MUST win for them, or this season is a wash
BUCKEYES 24-17

California at Washington
In an effort to motivate the California Bears Football team the coaches have instituted a “new” pregame tradition by having the players smell each other’s hands, which I think is beyond weird.
BIG DOGS 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
The Bruins are Brewed out and that’s a fact
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17

Harding at North Alabama
The Florence Lions are Roaring and Harding still lives in his Mother’s basement
Enough Said..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-17

New Mexico State at San Jose State
If Lasso Larry lassos Jose is that considered to be a hate crime?
I’m just asking…
LASSO LARRY 31-21

Fresno State at Idaho
There is nothing like the Idaho half time show….
Who doesn’t want to see the “Ida Honkies” perform?
My point exactly…
BULLDOGS 24-17

Sam Houston State at New Mexico
Sam Houston is the Hero of San Jacinto and he was an underdog in that one too.
BIG SAM 28-24

Louisiana Lafayette at Florida International
U La La is going to be introduced to the “real” Hilton…
That kid is the real deal…
PANTHERS 31-17

Western Carolina at Georgia Southern
I still think “catamounts” sounds like something nasty is going on at the Taxidermist
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Connecticut at Buffalo
I know exactly what you are thinking about this game…
And I agree completely.
I don’t care either
HUSKIE’S 21-17

Rice at Baylor
This old Southwest Conference Rivalry used to have some dandy games between them.
Remember the Southwest Conference?
Yeah, they broke up to form the Big 12
I still miss the SWC..
BEARS 33-17

Incarnate Word at West Texas A&M
Why do they think they are the only people with the “incarnate word”?
Who do they think they are Bobby Bowden?
Talk about arrogant….
WEST TEXAS BUFFALOS 24-10

Eureka College at Presentation
Eureka this one college sounds like it’s the school of PowerPoint Presentations!
EUREKA I FOUND IT! 23-17

North Dakota State at Minnesota
I have never seen a Gopher whip a Bison but I have seen a spider monkey ride a goat.
And before you ask….
“Yes” I am that easily entertained
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-17

Florida Atlantic at Auburn
This game begs the question…
Which one of these drunken birds is going to hit the Plexiglas in the skyboxes first?
The Owl or the War Eagle?
WAR DAMN EAGLE 43-10

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State
This is an excellent time to remind you all…
That you can never have enough Cowbell

Click here to view the embedded video.

BULLY DOGS 34-10

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
Both teams are Undefeated….
(Yes I said both teams are undefeated)
This one will be closer than you might imagine
GAMECOCKS 28-24

Florida at Kentucky
The Cats get skinned by the Gators and that’s no Joke
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
Now I know why A&M wants to leave the Big 12….
They don’t like the Prairie Wind touching them in the naughty place
COWBOY UP! 33-17

Nevada at Texas Tech
Woooo Hooooo! Coach Tommy Tub adds another win to his weak-ass non conference schedule!
That means you are one step closer to that all important Dulcolax Suppository Bowl Bid!
GET THOSE SUPPOSITORY’S UP RED RAIDERS!
RED RAIDERS 43-38

Indiana at North Texas
The Loosiers come to beautiful Denton Texas….
I wouldn’t call this an “Upset Special”
Because it won’t be
MEAN GREEN 24-17

UTEP at South Florida
To the best of my knowledge I haven’t seen any mines or miners in Tampa…
But I have seen some Yankees in Clearwater Beach that looked like Moby Dick.
The locals kept pushing them back in the water and telling them “Be Free! Be Free!”
And “Yes” I have pictures to prove it…
BULLS 33-10

Black Hills State at North Dakota
This one is for the NCAA Politically Correct Speech Police
FIGHTING SIOUX FIGHTING SIOUX FIGHTING SIOUX! 41-10

Montana State at Eastern Washington
The Eagles fell to the Grizzlies of Montana last week, that trend continues on Saturday
BOBCATS 31-10

Nebraska at Wyoming
The Cowboys surprised us all last week by actually winning a game
(I was certainly shocked)
But the Children of the Corn are coming to town this Saturday
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 234-0

Missouri at Oklahoma
This Old Big 8 rivalry is played for the Tiger-Sooner Peace Pipe….
Not to be confused with the Willie Nelson Hookah Pipe.
BOOMER SOONERS 34-17

Colorado State at Utah State
The Rams get Rammed by the Aggies
Believe it
AGGIES 28-24

Georgia State at Houston
Bill Curry get’s eaten by a Cougar in H-Town.
I don’t know about you, but I would pay good money to see that..
MIGHTY COUGARS 44-10

Tulsa at Boise State
The Golden Hurricanes can’t generate enough wind to classify as a decent fart
MIGHTY BRONCO’S 44-0

Montana at Sacramento State
Only one thing to say here….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Southern California at Arizona State
The Sun Devils are the favored team in this game and I was perplexed as to which team to pick.
So I asked my Black Lab “Doc” who he thought would win.
He looked at the computer screen for about a minute and then licked his butt….
That’s good enough for me
LAME KITTEN’S TROJANS 24-21

Oregon at Arizona
I had almost the same reaction as “Doc” when I saw these two teams…
So I will go with..
QUACKERS 28-17

Florida State at Clemson
This one will be close, real close…
It could go either way, so don’t leave your seats
SEMINOLES 33-28

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck just keeps on Rambling
YELLOW JACKETS 33-24

Kansas State at Miami
Recent TSA regulations prevents the Wildcat faithful from bringing Bill Snyder’s petrified body on the team airplane as a “carry on” to meet the Hurricanes.
That being said, they have no motivation to win the game, sorry
HURRICANES 34-10

LSU at West Virginia
Only the Bayou Tigers can’t prevent Couch Fires this Saturday
Consider this to be my Public Service Announcement for the Week
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Sunday September 25th

California Davis at Hawaii
For those of you wondering about this game in Hawaii
I have the answer you have been waiting for…
Dog the Bounty Hunter will return to the A&E Network this fall on Wednesday Nights

I enjoy ending the picks on a happy note

WARRIORS BOUNTY HUNTING ON RAINBOWS 43-17

Enjoy your games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Thanksgiving is right around the corner….
And that means one thing…

The next three weeks the fiercest rivalries in all of college football will be played.

There will be Egg Bowls and Apple Cups…

Civil Wars and Good Ole Fashioned Hate

There will be Iron wills and Iron Bowls….

Just thinking about it….
Can make your stomach queasier than Aunt Edna’s five bean casserole
Where are my Tums?

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Much like Elvis and Richard Petty, it’s good to be the King.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather astounding 46 and 10 last week or 82%.
This leaves me at 504 and 120 or 81% for the season.
But just for the record…
“NO” I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns…

EMAIL LETTER(S) OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
You sir, espouse to be a southern gentlemen and are a self ascribed expert in all things southern.
So I have question that my family and I are in hopes you can help us with.
Upon moving to the “south” from up north, specifically Springfield Illinois, we were appalled at how prejudiced everyone is in the south.

People in our new neighborhood laughed at me when I put our mailbox up with our name on it!
And some kids drove by and told me to “get the hell out of the neighborhood!”

My wife and I went to a local church and someone there pointed at my name on my visitors “Hello My Name Is” tag
and that person told me “We don’t mind you coming to church here, but there better not be any funny business going on in the back pews”.
I have never been so shocked and appalled in all my life!
So I ask you sir, why would people in such a “friendly southern town” react in such a harsh way to strangers from the north!
Is it the way we look, is it the way we talk or is there something wrong with our name?
I ask you?
Moe and Ima Queer, Rome, Georgia

A: Seriously….
“MOE and IMA QUEER”
You are the Queer Family?
I think I just whizzed on myself…

Q: Sir,
We are avid readers of your web site and were wondering if you could do us a favor.
You see, we are producers and directors of adult “art” films.
Just want you to know that even the Supreme Court ruled that our movies were NOT pornography, but art.
So, what we would like to know is if you have some kind of copyright or trademark claim on the title “Pirates and Blue Ho’s”
because we were thinking it would make a GREAT title for our next production.
It would be a classic retelling of rather amorous Pirates pillaging a Connecticut village of Democrats and the subsequent sexual escapades.
It’s pure genius.
Sincerely
The Dark Bros.
Burbank, Ca.

A: Now, the emails are just getting creepy..

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Now everybody has done heard about that Fig Newton kid from Auburn….
And what’s them Auburn fans a saying?
Why that boy’s daddy’s a preacher he didn’t take no money or ask for nothing!
Cause he’s a Preacher!
Well let me tell you something about that….
My wife Sassy and I have been married for 53 years and we have been going to the same church here in Opp Alabama since we known one another….
And during that whole time up until last Sunday they pass the plate for the “Building Fund” and they hadn’t bought so much as a new door knob since we been there.
But the Preacher drives a new Cadillac…
So don’t be telling me cause a man claims to be a preacher he won’t take something that don’t belong to him”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend, see you soon…

THE PICKS

Thursday November 18th

Georgia State at Alabama
“coach” Bill Curry asked for this game…..
The lesson to be learned here…
Be Careful what you ask for….
CRIMSON TIDE 43-10

UCLA at Washington
Where is Coach James when you need him….
BRUINS 24-21

Air Force at UNLV
Last time I was in Vegas I lost some money at the tables…
And I wanted to bomb the town myself…
This Saturday I get my revenge..
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-17

Friday November 19th

Fresno State at Boise State
Wow…….
Another tough opponent for the Smurf Turf Boys….
What? The Taxidermy Academy isn’t available on Friday Night?
BRONCOS 113-3

Saturday November 20th

Purdue at Michigan State
As you might have guessed….
This Big Ten game is played for a “trophy”
It looks like a monkey playing an accordion…
Which is creepy…
SPARTANS 34-20

Penn State at Indiana
Hoosier? As in Hoosier Daddy?
That would be Joe Pa……
JOE’S LIONS 33-24

West Virginia at Louisville
There was a time this game decided the Big East Championship…
This isn’t the time…
STRONGER CARDINALS 33-31

Troy at South Carolina
Two things I know about this game….
The Gamecocks are going to Atlanta….
And Troy is going to get his ass whipped..
GAMECOCKS 38-10

North Carolina State at North Carolina
This instate Tobacco Road rivalry is called…
“The North Carolina – North Carolina State Rivalry”
You have to admit…
The name is descriptive
PACK OF WOLVES 34-31

Virginia at Boston College
It’s tough to win on Chestnut Hill…..
This game will prove my point..
CHESTNUT EAGLES 33-17

Oklahoma State at Kansas
The Prairie Wind blows into Kansas and touches Dorothy and Toto in naughty places.
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Wisconsin at Michigan
This Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Decoupage Cheese of Doom”
I heard it smells a lot like Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
After it’s been in the sun for ten days…
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21

Yale at Harvard
This a HUGE game in the Ivy League….
Which is another reason why nobody cares….
Seriously nobody cares

Pittsburgh at South Florida
Most people would tell you the Panthers have this game in the bag..
I’m not most people
NO BULL 24-21

Appalachian State at Florida
The Gator Nation is depressed over the 2010 season….
This game will make you all feel better
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

East Carolina at Rice
Rice gets caked by the Pirates…
Believe it
PIRATES 31-17

Duke at Georgia Tech
The Blue Devils will be far too distracted….
by the heavenly smells drifting across the field from the home of the world’s greatest chili dogs…
The Varsity….
To put up much of a fight…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-24

Chattanooga at Wofford
I don’t know if “Wofford” was named after Chewbacca’s kid…
Or is it a pesky variation of the Whopping Cough…
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Citadel at Samford
The boys from the Military College of South Carolina…
Lay a Carolina Butt Whipping on Fred and Lamont…
Believe it
BULLDOGS 38-10

Montana State at Montana
This hate filled instate battle in Big Sky Country is called….
“The Brawl of the Wild” and it is played for The Great Divide Trophy
This game is “hate thy neighbor” at its finest
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-24

UTEP at Tulsa
The winner of this game has a shot at the “Vienna Sausage Bowl” in Valdosta Georgia
Yeah, it’s that important
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-34

Colorado State at Wyoming
The Cowboys might win this game…
And Janet Reno “might” be a woman…
RAM TOUGH 33-17

Kansas State at Colorado
The Buffalos will win one for their coach who shouldn’t have been hired in the first place
BUFFALOS 28-24

Clemson at Wake Forest
Have faith My Tiger Faithful…..
DABO’S TIGERS 28-17

Kent State at Western Michigan
“Golden Flashes and Bronco’s”….
Makes me think Grandpa got naked and jumped on the horse and is headed to town..
GOLDEN FLASHES 24-21

Weber State at Texas Tech
The Boys from the Grilling College gets smoked in Lubbock…
Which just so happens to be the Home of Buddy Holly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 48-10

Marshall at Southern Methodist
I have mixed emotions in this game….
I love the Thundering Herd…
But I am a Mustang Man…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Illinois at Northwestern
This instate battle in the land of Lincoln….
Is played each year for the “Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
As opposed to the “Diet Light Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”….
It has all the flavor of the regular Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, but less calories…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-31

Ole Miss at LSU
That foam rubber bear that is supposed to somehow be a “Rebel”….
Get’s his ass eaten alive by Big Mike the Tiger…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

Arkansas State at Navy
This game is going to be uglier than an orangutan in a prom dress…
MIDSHIPMEN 53-10

Central Florida at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a lime green trickle by the time this one is over..
KNIGHTS OF GOLD 44-14

Florida Atlantic at Texas
As God as my witness……
They better not lose this one…
LONGHORNS 34-17

Ohio State at Iowa
This game will be for the Big Ten Title..
Just like I said it would be..
No Need to thank me.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-24

Stanford at California
In California….
They call this “The Big Game” and it’s played for the Stanford Ax
Which basically means nobody outside California gives a crap
CARDINAL 6-3

Virginia Tech at Miami
It’s too close to Thanksgiving not to pick the Fighting Turkeys
That’s how I roll
HOKEY POKEY 34-28

Memphis at UAB
I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building…
BLAZERS 38-17

New Mexico State at Nevada
I hate to think about Pistol Pete getting devoured by a pack of hungry wolves
It reminds me of an episode of “When Animals Attack”
PACK OF WOLVES 43-20

New Mexico at Brigham Young
The cougars deliver a low blow to the lobos like a hobo on a yo-yo..
(I can do this all day …)
COUGARS 43-10

Connecticut at Syracuse
I cannot believe I am writing this…
OTTO the ORANGE 31-24

Army at Notre Dame
This game will be played in Yankee Stadium….
As God intended it to be…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-28

Arkansas at Mississippi State
Hawgs and Dogs……
I love that German Ice Cream….
HAWGS 34-24

Missouri at Iowa State
This Big 12 Rivalry is played for the…..
“Telephone Trophy”
Yes, I’m serious…
MO’S TIGERS 34-31

Tennessee at Vanderbilt
This instate “rivalry” in the Volunteer State is played for the…
“Petrified Possum Trophy”…
Honestly…
It looks eerily similar to Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
VOWELS 38-17

Rutgers at Cincinnati
In this Big East Battle….
I will go with the boys from Chili Town…
KATS of BEAR 28-21

Nebraska at Texas A&M
This game will be too close for comfort for the Children of the Corn
MIGHTY HUSKERS 28-24

Oklahoma at Baylor
This game will be closer than you might think….
A Lot closer..
BOOMER SOONER 31-28

Florida State at Maryland
The Seminoles are finding ways to win and the Turtlemen are finding ways to lose…
It’s just that simple
NOLES 33-24

Southern California at Oregon State
Some people might think..
I would make an off-color joke about “Trojans and Beavers……”,
But I am better than that….
At least this week I am better than that…
LAME CHEATERS 5-3

Houston at Southern Miss
The cougars are playing more like Sylvester the Cat…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

Utah at San Diego State
So these two Utes were making fun of this ancient Aztecs butt floss…
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 34-24

San Jose State at Hawaii
Jose? As in “San Jose”…..
I think Dog the Bounty Hunter arrested him on the last episode…
Which can be seen on the A&E Channel on Wednesday nights…
Check your local listings for times in your area
WARRIORS electric sliding across RAINBOWS 38-10

Enjoy Your Games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Halloween is over and I hope that none of my beloved readers lost a loved one this year to the insatiable appetite of Fat Phil Fulmer when he emerged from the pumpkin patch.

But there were far too many “Tricks” and not enough “Treats” to suit me this year.

This coupled with the “signs” of the coming apocalypse made Halloween all too disturbing.
What do I mean and what are the signs of the end of the world you may ask?

The signs are all around us…..

Texas loses to Baylor….
(O’ the Humanity!)

Notre Dame loses to Tulsa and STILL has a television contract…
(How is that even possible?)

Syracuse continues to win…
(Despite my best efforts of picking against them)

West Virginia..
(Please see Texas above and substitute “Baylor” with Syracuse and Connecticut)

The Miami Hurricanes lose to Virginia….

The Navy Midshipmen lose to the Duke Blue Devils

EDITORS NOTE: Clearly Satan’s hand was at work in this game…
Is it a coincidence that “Blue Devils” beat the Midshipmen?
I think not…

And certainly the most obvious sign of the end of the age….

The Oregon Ducks are Ranked Number One….
I rest my case….

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was “Tricked” on Halloween…
(I admit it…)

I was a dismal 41 and 15 or 73% on Halloween weekend…
That leaves us at 413 and 97 for the season or 81% after nine weeks of college football.

Have no fear my beloved readers, this setback will not deter me
In the words of that immortal 20th Century philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“I’m 2 Legit to Quit…”

EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Smartass –
We have been a reading what you write about Coach Phil Fulmer!
He only happens to be the greatest damn football coach to ever wear orange!

If I was you un’s I would watch my self.
I understand Phil Fulmer is six foot five and seven hundred and forty two pounds and he is ALL man!
Hope you enjoyed your little laugh cause Coach Phil is going to catch up with you mister!
Then you are done for!
Danny “Possum Face” Rogers – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Danny…..
Fat Phil Fulmer couldn’t catch me if they strapped his fat ass to a Saturn 5 rocket.

HOOTIE SNITCH UPDATE

As was reported last week…
The self proclaimed number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the planet Hootie Snitch..
Was scheduled to provide you readers with an update this week on his “celebrity golf tournament” in Baneberry Tennessee to “help his momma with the hoof and mouth disease” and provide commentary on the Tennessee Volunteer football program.

Unfortunately Hootie is atop the Baneberry water tower and has vowed “not to come down until the Volunteers win a conference game.”

However, I suspect his “Water Tower Vow” has less to do with the Volunteers lackluster season than it does with Mrs Hootie Snitch (the former Miss Thelma Stroderback) being rather upset with Mr. Snitch.

I say that because….
Hootie has stated that Miss Thelma can empty a bar “when she is a having the PMS….”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“I don’t understand these folks that run the college football on television….
Why do they think it takes ten damn people talking fo’ three hours about a game we already know about?
It don’t make no difference if they was a coach or player or a water boy, we already know who is playing and what’s at stake in the game.

That’s why we is fans, which they don’t seem to understand…..

Them people give me a damn headache just listening to them go on and on and back and forth.
And they have some people calling the games on television…
They don’t know nothing about college football, its traditions or the history of the games and mispronounce the player’s names during the whole damn game.

I even seen a couple of women calling them games….
It’s bad enough they don’t know nothing about the game….
But they is ugly as a shaved rat too….
I tell you it’s damn shame is what it is….”

EDITORS NOTE: Wise words my friend….Wise words.

THE PICKS

Thursday November 4th

Buffalo at Ohio
I’m not sure why an NFL team is playing Ohio University….
Never mind…
It’s the Buffalo Bills, now that makes sense..
FRANKS BOBCATS 33-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
This game will be played Thursday Night….
Enter the Sandman….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Friday November 5th

Western Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate rivalry is played for the….
“CMU-WMU Rivalry Trophy”
How inventive…
CHIPPEWAS’ 31-28

Central Florida at Houston
The Cougars post season hopes dim as their injury list grows….
Sad, but true…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-21

Saturday November 6th

Virginia at Duke
Fans across the Atlantic Coast Conference have waited for this clash of the titans all year..
Not really, I was just trying to hype a game that nobody really cares about …
CAVALIERS 24-21

Air Force at Army
This game may very well decide who wins the “Commander in Chief’s Trophy”
Now…
If we only had a “Commander in Chief” to award the trophy
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-24

Dickenson at Juniata
Miss Emily Dickenson better be ready for a tussle on Saturday….
Because Juanita just got a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants from K-Mart..
She is almost unbeatable in those things….
J-LO DOWN 34-14

Florida at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get shipped on by the Mighty Gators in Music City
In case you were wondering….
I thought that one up myself.
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Davidson at Marist
I don’t know much about David’s Son but that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOX 24-20

Louisville at Syracuse
I can’t believe I am writing this…..
OTTO the ORANGE 28-24

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Can you hear that?
It’s the Prairie Wind touching the boys from Wacko in the mean place….
COWBOY UP! 33-24

Idaho State at Georgia
Famous Potatoes gets mashed between the hedges….
And that’s a fact
DAWGS 38-10

Charleston Southern at Kentucky
The Buccaneers gets the crap bucked out of them in the Bluegrass…
JOKERS CATS 43-10

Ursinus at Muhlenberg
I like the Big German Girl in this one….
She looks a lot like the Swiss Miss Girl…
On Steroids
HELGA 31-17

Chattanooga at Auburn
This game is going to be uglier than a party at Charlie Sheen’s House
Minus the cocaine, hookers, midget clowns etc.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 121-3

Akron at Ball State
I wanted to see this game…
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute” CD is supposed to arrive….
ZIPPERS 33-28

UNLV at Brigham Young
I wonder if there was ever a guy named Brigham “Old” …..
Just wondering….
COUGARS 43-10

Rice at Tulsa
I think the most appropriate comment about this game…
Comes once again from that wisest of all modern urban philosophers
M.C. Hammer, when he said and I quote…
“You can’t touch this..”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-21

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now and I am truly sorry…

Temple at Kent State
Saturday is supposed to be a perfect day for football…..
Or in the words of Billy Idol….
“It’s a Nice day for a White Wedding..”
FLASHES of GOLD 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not really sure what that is supposed to mean…
I purposely used this song to replace the rather annoying song I placed in your heads earlier.
No need to thank me…

Susquehanna at Worchester Tech
I had no idea the Worchester Sauce people had their own college….
Did you?
SUSIE Q 33-10

Colorado at Kansas
I had every intention of watching this game…
But QVC is having an hour long special on “Ant Farms for Fun and Profit”
BUFFALOS 24-21

Appalachian State at Georgia Southern
The Eagles will get the Statesboro Blues when the Mountaineers roll into town
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

New Mexico State at Utah State
There will be a lot of Aggies in this one….
But only one Pistol Pete
PISTOL PETE 34-28

Hawaii at Boise State
The national sports media is touting this game as a “Clash for the Championship”
In reality….
It’s neither….
BRONCOS 92-88

Navy at East Carolina
The United States Navy knows how to deal with Pirates….
Or at least they should…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-31

Nebraska at Iowa State
The Husker Nation is on the road to the Big 12 Championship game….
This game will not be a detour…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-24

Texas Christian at Utah
I have on good authority that Chuck Norris lives in Fort Worth
That being said….
Those two Utes better run like hell before they get a roundhouse kick to the head!
HORNED FROGS 33-24

Southern Miss at Tulane
This Southern Rivalry is called the “Battle for the Bell”
It’s played every year for “The Bell”
And “The Bell” will stay in Hattiesburg until hell freezes over…
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

James Madison at Richmond
I like the James Madison team and I will tell you why…
Any college that names their team after John Wayne is alright by me…
DUKES 24-20

Alabama at LSU
There is nothing like playing a game in Death Valley…
It’s what the Christians must have felt like in the Roman coliseum
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Lenoir-Rhyne at Carson Newman
I can’t believe they spelled this incorrectly in the scheduling guide.
It’s supposed to be…
“Lee Ann Rimes”…..
But as a side note…
Why she is playing college football continues to baffle me…
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Boston College at Wake Forest
Two things you can count on in this game…
It’s going to be close…
And the Demon Deacon mascot will scare children and make them cry
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-21

Marshall at UAB
It pains me to write this…..
It really does….
BLAZERS 38-24

Nevada at Idaho
It’s funny how some words have different meanings….
For example:
You might pronounce that name “Ida-Ho”……
People in Obknoxville say….
“Ho-Down”…..
WOLFPACK 44-24

Wyoming at New Mexico
I would rather see Whoopi Goldberg naked than watch this game…
No, that’s a lie….
On the threat of torture and death I wouldn’t want to see that….
LOW BLOWS 24-17

U La La at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt, sometimes you don’t
This week….I do…
FOAM RUBBER REBEL BEARS 43-17

Oregon State at UCLA
There is no doubt about it…
I believe in the Power of the Beaver…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Oklahoma at Texas A&M
Honestly, I’m too nauseous over my Whoopi Goldberg comment to say something funny here.
I’ve already thrown up twice….
BOOMER SOONERS 38-34

West Alabama at North Alabama
This instate battle in Alabama is played for something more than a trophy or a catchy name.
It’s pride and bragging rights and that says it all.
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Arkansas at South Carolina
The Hogs will keep this one close……
Don’t be surprised if Coach Steve doesn’t lose his visor over this one…
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Troy at North Texas
I love the fine folks in Denton…
But why did they have to name their team after a kitchen cleanser?
MEN OF TROY 28-24

Missouri at Texas Tech
MO knows how to get his guns up….
After all, it is the Home of the James and Younger Boys…
Enough said..
MO’S TIGERS 34-17

Texas at Kansas State
I am going to say what we are all thinking..
Notable exception to this would be Oklahoma and Texas A&M fans…
“Damn it Texas, Come ON!”
Now that I have that out of my system..
LONGHORNS 24-17

Tennessee at Memphis
It’s that time of the year in Volunteer country….
When the Big Orange faithful don their finest wife beaters..
And drive their homes across the state to the land of Elvis…
It’s considered to be a pilgrimage if they tour Graceland…
VOWELS 38-17

Southern Methodist at UTEP
This game promises to be a shoot out….
But I have faith in Coach June’s Boys…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Colorado State at San Diego State
I would rather watch..
Hillary Clinton play “strip” Twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game
Sorry I made myself throw up again with that one…
RAM TOUGH 33-31

Arizona State at Southern California
I would watch this game….
But Mike Tyson is going to be on “celebrity” Jeopardy
I bet before the first commercial break he bites Alex Trebek’s ear off….
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Minnesota at Michigan State
This semi-ancient Big Ten Rivalry is played for the “Bucket of Lard”
And in case you were wondering….
Phil Fulmer is the poster child for the Lard Council who sponsors this event.
SPARTANS 43-10

Iowa at Indiana
Another Big Ten game and yet another rivalry trophy…
This game is played each year for the “Sombrero of Bacon”
It may sound tasty to some of you…
But I have on good authority it starts smelling a little gamey by April
EYES of the HAWK 34-17

North Carolina at Florida State
I still miss seeing Coach Bobby on the sidelines….
Wandering around aimlessly in his Vietcong hat, wielding goggles..
And wearing pants with a fifty six inch zipper.
Ahhhhhh Good times.
TAR HEELS 28-24

Virginia at Duke
This game is going to be so boring I listed it twice….
CAVALIERS 24-21

Northwestern at Penn State
Many of you have asked me this year….
After all the years of Coaching in Happy Valley….
What does Joe Pa wear to Lion games for “Good Luck”
The answer is:
Depends
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-21

Arizona at Stanford
I have a philosophical question that is unrelated to this game
If you can purchase a variety of “combination” items from the grocery store
Such as a combination “Mayo and Tuna” package, presumably because they go together.
Then why isn’t there a “Toilet paper and Ex-Lax” combination pack?
I’m just asking…
CARDINAL 34-17

Maryland at Miami
Last week the Hurricanes couldn’t generate enough wind to qualify as a popcorn fart…
That won’t happen this week…
HURRICANES 34-24

Illinois at Michigan
For those folks visiting Ann Arbor this weekend I want to provide a brief safety tip for you
Under NO circumstances should you ask Coach Rod’s wife Rita..
“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
If her answers were not horribly disgusting enough, she felt obligated to act them out…
Frankly what she did with that Sock Money was a crime…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-31

Wisconsin at Purdue
Behold the Power of Processed Cheese by Products
BADGERS 34-13

Washington at Oregon
I had no idea The History Channel was going to have a three hour special on..
“The History of Macaroni Art” or I would watch this game….
QUACKERS 101-10

North Carolina State at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
My Tiger family….
You must believe…
DABOS TIGERS 28-24

California at Washington State
The “announcers” for this PAC 10 game sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks
On helium…
I’m serious…
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 131-0

Enjoy your games…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Before we get into this week’s selections…..
I would like to “thanks” in no particular order:

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
The Minnesota O’ so very Golden Gophers
Coach Drooley and the Tennessee Volunteers
Zippy the Akron Kangaroo and the entire football coaching staff at West Point….

For completely screwing up Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s weekly average
and sending your fans into fits of rage while dashing for the liquor cabinet.

I hope you’re happy….

But certainly this past week wasn’t all frustration and consternation….
The West Virginia Mountaineers….
Scored 15 points in the final two minutes of the game with Marshall
to win the “The Friends of Coal Bowl” and the Governors Cup.

The Mighty Air Force Falcons carpet bombed the Cougars of BYU…..

And Reggie Bush was forced to return the Heisman Trophy….
No need to thank me for that one folks…..
It’s how I roll……

Enjoy your picks…..

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointing 61 and11 or 85% for the second week of the season.
That leaves us at 133 and 21 or 86% after only two weeks.
Like I said last week….
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks

THE PICKS

Thursday September 16th

Cincinnati at North Carolina State
I have a “gut feeling” about this game….
I just hope it’s not gas….
WOLFPACK 28-24

Concordia Selma at Carson Newman
I don’t know about Concordia, but I think I knew her brother Tommy…
That Tommy Selma was tougher than a pine knot….
Which of course has nothing what so ever to do with this pick….
SPARKS EAGLES 33-17

Friday September 17th

Kansas at Southern Miss
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

California at Nevada
Honestly I would watch this game…..
But the Animal Planet is having a “special” documentary on the Armadillo entitled
“The Armadillo: Natures little tank or possum on the half shell?”
GAYLORD THE BEAR 33-24

Saturday September 18th

Connecticut at Temple
This little known rivalry in the northeast is played for the coveted…
“Hoobastank Trophy”…
Not really, but it’s a fun word to say isn’t it?
HUSKIES 28-24

Muhlenberg at Susquehanna
Now I know what you are thinking….
Can the German girl take Susie after last week’s tussle with Juanita….
I believe she can, I heard she was a former East German shot putter
MULE GIRL 24-17

Northern Illinois at Illinois
The “Fighting Illini” continue their “brutal” out of conference schedule..
By beating the living hell out of junior colleges and technical schools within their own state.
PUMPKINS’ O’ FIGHTING 34-17

Maryland at West Virginia
I would have a lot more faith in the Fighting Terrapins if they had a really cool mascot…
Say like “The Turtle Man” as seen in the video below….
Before you ask…Yes, He is real….
But until Maryland hires him it’s time to light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-27

Click here to view the embedded video.

Arkansas at Georgia
This game features the “Hawgs and Dawgs”
Reminds me of my favorite German Ice Cream….
DAWGS 20-17

Ohio at Ohio State
Coach Frank’s Bobcats of Ohio will keep this one close…..
Right up until the time the Ohio State Marching Band….
Which of course is “The Best Damn Band in the Land”… “Dots the I”…..
Then it’s all…..
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 41-10

North Texas at Army

EDITORS COMMENTARY:
The Army coaching staff should be thankful we live in the “everybody’s a winner” society, were “trying hard” and “giving a good effort” is as important as winning.
Because if it were up to me; I would have fired everyone of their collective ass’s after last weeks game.
A blind chimpanzee with half a damn banana could motivate a team better than these dumbasses.
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas State
This rivalry is known as “Farmageddon”…..
(Yes I’m serious)
It’s like Armageddon, only these use combines and tractors…
WILDCATS 24-10

Georgia Tech at North Carolina
The question this week at the “Varsity”…
(Which is only home to the World’s Greatest Chili Dogs…. )
Can Tech bounce back from the Rambling Wreck in Lawrence Kansas?
No, not this week, is the appropriate answer…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Massachusetts at Michigan
Coach Rod and the Wolverines continue their “tough” out of conference schedule this week
But they had better not be looking ahead…
The Keebler Elves are coming to Ann Arbor next Saturday….
WOLVERINES 44-10

EDITORS NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I have been “unduly harsh” in my treatment of Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”. So let me say this….
When reporting that Rita attended a “Maze and Blue” alumni fund raiser recently wearing nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes I didn’t mean to imply that she was dressed like an old worn out stripper.
I meant to say, the Maze and Blue fund raiser must have been located near the airport…
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

Ball State at Purdue
Didn’t David Letterman go to Ball State?
Yeah, that isn’t going to make any difference here…
BOILERMAKERS 31-17

Juniata at Ursinus
Juanita is still bruised up from her tussle last week with Susquehanna…
And I understand Ursinus has a urinary infection
So I have to go with…
J-LO 28-23

Kent State at Penn State
So the “Golden Flashes” are coming to Jo Pa’s House….
There are SO many things I could say here….
But out of respect for Jo Pa, I won’t….
NITTANY LIONS 38-14

Delta State at Valdosta State
I have always been a fan of the Blazers…
But I am a Fighting Okra man….
I like it fried, boiled and pickled….
But I’m not a big fan of Okra Winfrey
BLAZERS 33-28

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
The Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think…
A lot closer…
REBELS 24-21

Jacksonville State at Georgia State
I wouldn’t bet against these Roosters if they were playing the Dallas Cowboys
GAMECOCKS 34-17

East Carolina at Virginia Tech
Maybe it’s just me…
But the Hokies don’t seem to have the same fire since they lost their Wangs
HOKIE POKEY 31-24

EDITORS NOTE: Of course I am talking about….
The loss of Ed Wang and his brother from the defensive front of the Hokies;
What did you think I was talking about?

Brigham Young at Florida State
The Cougars will encounter a strange new phenomena in Tallahassee this Saturday
which will be their demise in this game, it’s called…..“Humidity”
JIMBO’S NOLES 34-24

Colorado State at Miami (OH)
Although Miami of Ohio doesn’t have any palm trees….
It is known as the Cradle of Coaches…
That’s good enough for me…
REDHAWKS 23-17

Air Force at Oklahoma
I was very proud of the Falcons for upsetting the Cougars last week…
But I am afraid they are outmatched in this one…
BOOMER SOONERS 43-21

Southern California at Minnesota
The “Not so” Golden Gophers lost last week to a High School team from South Dakota…
Sooooooooooo……..
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Florida at Tennessee
Not that it’s all that important here, but Peyton Manning never beat the Gators
I just thought it was worth mentioning….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-17

Arizona State at Wisconsin
The Devils of the Sun…..
Cannot stand up to the Power of Processed Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 28-24

Defiance at Hanover
I have a question…
What is “defiance” so angry about?
They should take a tip from Okra Winfrey….
They don’t have to be angry and defiant “all the time”
HANDY HANOVER 23-10

Washington State at Southern Methodist
Coach June’s Ponies will be ready to ride this Saturday in Big D….
Believe it…
And just for the record it’s still Ownby Stadium to me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

North Carolina Central at Appalachian State
The Mountaineers came back from a four touchdown deficit against Chattanooga to win
Make no mistake…
The Mountaineers are for real…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

Hawaii at Colorado
The Warriors from the Land of Rainbow Bright…
Would fair a lot better in this game if they had Dog the Bounty Hunter on the sidelines…
BUFFALOS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights, check your local listings for times in your area.

Alabama at Duke
The Blue Devils will have a few tricks up their sleeves on Saturday…
But they are still going to get their asses kicked…
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Nebraska at Washington
The Huskies have a great history, with a great coaching staff and a fine young quarterback…
In fact I still love the great Coach James….
But the Huskers have the Black Shirts…
Sorry…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 24-17

Troy at UAB
The Men of Troy gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys all they could handle last week…
They are more than up to the task this week in this instate tussle…
MEN OF TROY 33-28

Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan
I have been corrected……
The term “Chippewa’s” does not refer to “Two Utes” in the Native American Language as I erroneously reported last week.
It actually means an ingrown hair. As in….
“If you shave too close you can get a Chippewa on your face”
Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-31

Southern Arkansas at North Alabama
I respect any team that calls themselves “The Mule Riders”
But this game is in Lion Country….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-20

Baylor at Texas Christian
The Bears might win this game…….
And Richard Simmons might be heterosexual…..
HORNED FROGS 34-17

Indiana at Western Kentucky
The most interesting thing about this game…….
Isn’t that the Big Ten is coming to Bowling Green…
It’s the fact nobody knows what the hell a Hoosier and a Hilltopper actually is…
HOOSIERS 24-17

Northwestern Oklahoma State at South Dakota
If the Boys from Dakota could knock off a Big Ten team last week….
Then should be able to handle this Tire Alignment Academy from Oklahoma
COYOTES 34-17

Louisville at Oregon State
Much like Ward Cleaver…..
I am all about the Beaver in this one…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In an effort to keep this a “family friendly” column…
I want the readers to take note that I did not in any way reference either Rosie O’Donnell or Lindsay Lohan in the above pick.
No need to thank me…

Eastern Kentucky at Chattanooga
The Colonels aren’t over their thrashing last week by Coach Strong’s Cardinals
and the Boys from Choo Choo Town are primed and ready….
Also, Chattanooga is the home of the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum, Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop…..
So there is that….
MIGHTY MOCS 33-24

Duquesne at Delaware
Little known fact….
If you say “Duquesne” after you drank a glass of Buttermilk…
Something gross will fly out of your mouth…
BLUE HENS 28-17

Georgia Southern at Coastal Carolina
I have no idea why the folks from Coastal Carolina….
Decided to name their team the “Chanticleers” ….
But I am pretty sure you need a shot of penicillin to clear it up…..
EAGLES 28-17

Portland State at Oregon
Unfortunately this game conflicts with the VH1 “Behind the Music” Special…..
The Music and Life of Screech from Saved by the Bell….
Set your recorders now….
QUACKERS 63-0

Akron at Kentucky
I have a philosophical question….
Since Akron is known as the “Zippers”…
Is it possible there is a team out there called the “Velcro’s”?
I’m just wondering…
WILDCATS 34-10

Navy at Louisiana Tech
Lately, the Bulldogs of Tech are playing more like the Taco Bell dog..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21

Middle Tennessee State at Memphis
The Velvet Elvis’s better bring their best game…..
I believe the Blue Raiders are motivated…
BLUE RAIDERS 24-17

Northwestern at Rice
This game will feature some of the highest SAT scores in all of college football…
Yeah, it’s that exciting…
WILDCATS 34-17

Mississippi State at LSU
Nothing says “FIGHT” quite like a game between the “Cats and the Dogs”
This one belongs to Mike….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17

Marshall at Bowling Green
Last week Doc Holiday and the Thundering Herd…
Were two minutes away from beating the Mountaineers of West Virginia….
They won’t need those two minutes this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Tulsa at Oklahoma State
I don’t want to think about the “Prairie Wind” touching a Golden Hurricane..
It makes me feel icky…
COWBOY UP! 38-17

Florida International at Texas A&M
I don’t know how “International” the boys from Florida are…..
Unless their school is close to Epcot Center, then I guess that counts for something…
Right?
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

Central Florida at Buffalo
I know, I know…..
It seems like every time I pick the boys from Disney they lose…
The curse is broken this weekend…
Or I am burning down “It’s a Small World”…..
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: If that song is stuck in your head, I apologize….
It hurts me too….

Toledo at Western Michigan
The Rockets don’t have enough fire to be called roman candles, much less rockets…
BRONCOS 28-10

Clemson at Auburn
I wish I had better news for my adopted Clemson family….
But I don’t….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 24-17

Presbyterian at Citadel
I just hope the moral fiber of the cadets from the Military College of South Carolina isn’t tainted by the arrival of bus loads of Blue Ho’s coming to campus.
BULLDOGS 28-17

Furman at South Carolina
If Chewbacca made enough money to have his own college…
Then why call it Furry man? Why not just call it Chewbacca U?
Never mind…
GAMECOCKS 38-10

San Diego State at Missouri
There is a very good reason why the Aztec’s disappeared from civilization…
They played with Tigers….
MO’S TIGERS 44-10

Montana at Eastern Washington
The Grizzles are on a mission after losing in the finals last year…..
Believe it….
GRIZZ 33-10

Maine at Syracuse
If this was a “Who has the ugliest Cheerleaders” contest…
Then it would be one heck of a contest….
OTTO’S ORANGES 17-14

Boise State at Wyoming
Bronco fans should be really encouraged in this game….
I don’t think the Cowboys have beaten Virginia Tech (yet)
Which is nice…
BRONCO’S 43-10

Fresno State at Utah State
Some people think that midgets jousting on burros is cruel and degrading…
I personally think it screams “Pay-Per-View”….
Not that it matters here…
DAWGS 33-31

Utah at New Mexico
I don’t know about you….
But a contest between Utes and Lobos sounds like a Disney cartoon movie to me…
TWO UTES 43-10

Notre Dame at Michigan State
I don’t know what is more disturbing…..
The midget from Notre Dame dressed like a leprechaun….
or their obsession with Golden Gnomes…..
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 27-24

Texas at Texas Tech
I have but one thing to say here….
“Welcome to Texas Tommy….I hope you enjoy your Longhorn ass whipping”
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-24

New Mexico State at UTEP
It just occurred to me…..
“UTEP” is an acronym for a Ute that has to go the bathroom….
AGGIES 23-21

Iowa at Arizona
Remember you heard it here first….
The Eyes of the Hawk will not be stopped…..
Until their meeting in November with the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State….
Then it’s anybody’s ball game…
HAWKS EYES 28-17

Houston at UCLA
Despite some key injuries last week, the Cougars are still dangerous…
As in really dangerous…
COUGARS 38-28

Wake Forest at Stanford
This game would be a lot more entertaining for me….
If Jimmy Swaggart was the Demon Deacon mascot….
And after getting all liquored up and having a crying jag at halftime he peed on the Stanford tree mascot.
Now that’s what I call entertainment.

Enjoy your games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Much like the Oklahoma, Houston and Seminole fans last weekend…
Your favorite college football prognosticator will hence forth refer to last weekends games as..
The “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”.

I am sure the above fans will gladly agree with me on that point, but before I unveil my embarrassing statistics from the “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”, I want to offer my three favorite excuses for my lackluster performance.
1. The Sun was in my eyes while I was making the picks…
2. There is no doubt I had a rock in my shoe when I was making the picks last week..
3. Frankly, I don’t make very good decisions while I am on artificial turf….

And as a side note….
It doesn’t help that I am making the picks while wearing a leaf bag around my waist
Don’t ask…
You really don’t want to know…
Damn Kangaroo Flu…

Last week: 36 and 19 (Ouch!!!!!!) at 65%

Overall: 240 and 65 at 79% ( No comment….)

Enjoy the Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 8th

Nebraska at Missouri
MO knows offense, but the Huskers have the Black Shirts
This will be a good one to watch from start to finish
And the Victory Bell goes too…..
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Colgate at Princeton
I don’t care and neither should you
But it is nice to know they named a college after my favorite toothpaste

Arkansas Monticello at West Georgia
This is clearly my “Game of the Night”
The Wolves of West Georgia and the Mighty Boll Weevils of Arkansas
That’s right I said “Boll Weevils”…
Tell me this mascot doesn’t scare you…

Enough said….
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Also…
The Arkansas Boll Weevil mascot is called “Weezie”
Which is no relation to a character on the once popular television series “The Jefferson’s”
Just thought you should know…

North Greenville at North Alabama
The Mighty Lions of Florence Roar once again…
LIONS 34-17

Friday October 9th

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
I have counted the Bulldogs out of too many games this year and gotten bit every time.
Not this week…
BULLDOGS 31-17

Saturday October 10th

Colorado at Texas
Someone actually wrote me about this game last year and asked me…
“How were they supposed to distinguish..
between the respective schools mascots of a Buffalo and a Longhorn..
which one was actually my sister-in-law?”
That is so ridiculous, I can’t even believe it!
She was the one wearing flip-flops.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-14

Alabama at Ole Miss
This is going to be a tussle in the Grove from start to finish…
Believe it…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-23

Eastern Illinois at Penn State
There is only room for one Big Cat in this game..
And it ain’t the Panthers…
JOE PA’s LIONS 38-10

Wisconsin at Ohio State
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Delta State at West Alabama
The Tigers of West Alabama can’t handle the Fighting Okra….
Why you may ask?
Because they are “Fighting Okra”, that’s why….
FIGHTING OKRA 31-20

Baylor at Oklahoma
I wouldn’t take the Bears for granted in this game…
Or it will be Sooner, Later…
BOOMER SOONERS 24-17

The Citadel at Elon
I wish I had better news for the Bulldogs of the Military College of South Carolina
But I don’t…
THE CUBAN KID 31-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
Why someone thought it was a “good idea”…
to name their college after a bunion is beyond me, what’s next “Hemorrhoid Tech”?
Never mind, I believe that’s in California
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
I got some bad news for the fan’s from Chesnutt Hill..
The Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about…
HOKIES 33-17

Georgia Tech at Florida State
I never thought I would see the day that Coach Bobby would be on the hot seat…
But after this week, he will have both cheeks firmly planted on it.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Florida A&M at Miami
Leroy Vann is faster than the Rattler’s namesake….
But that won’t save him from the eye of the Hurricane
HURRICANES 34-10

Houston at Mississippi State
Bulldog Jim, I wish I had better news my friend….
I am afraid the Cats have a mean on…
COUGARS 31-23

Chattanooga at Samford
I used to know a Sam Ford once…
He was a horse’s ass….
MIGHTY MOCCASINS 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas
Both of these teams are heading in the same direction…
No where…
HAWKS of JAY 23-17

Susquehanna at Rochester
Susie and Rocky?
Sounds like the basis for Rocky VIX
Never mind….
SUSIE 21-17

Georgia at Tennessee
Both teams are beaten up and badly in need of a win…
This is going to be one heck of a game….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 28-23

EDITORS NOTE: I know it pains me to say this…
But it’s getting more difficult each week to criticize Coach Lane Kiffin
When Coach Phil was at Beacon Hill..
“Discipline” and the football team went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.
Coach Lane won’t tolerate any foolishness from the players..
and will dismiss them from the team in a New York minute.
Believe that?
Under Coach Phil’s watch Tennessee players used to stroll to games like they bought their clothes from “Thugs or Us”, once a volunteer player even wore a loin cloth to the game, true story.
And now the players have to wear coats and ties to games and leave their Mr. T starter kits at home.
I have even noticed a change in some Volunteer fans…
What is going on?
Doesn’t Coach Lane realize this hurts my column?

Georgia Southern at North Carolina
The Eagle has been grounded…..
HEELS of TAR 38-10

Auburn at Arkansas
This game has all the potential to be a Barn Burner..
No Pun intended..
RAZORBACKS 33-24

Harding at Ouachita Baptist
I am not sure what an “Ouachita” Baptist does…
Unless they are the folks that handle rattlesnakes during a service
Harding better watch himself, those things will bite you…
SNAKE HANDLING BAPTIST 38-10

Oregon at UCLA
I would rather play nude twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game…
QUACKS 6-5

EDITORS NOTE: Like I wasn’t sick enough with the Kangaroo Flu….
I had to make myself throw up over that comment…

Southern Miss at Louisville
Coach K and the Cardinals are down and they ain’t getting up…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Cardinal Fans take note….
Coach Tommy Tuberville is lounging in Alabama right now looking for a job..
I know he has the personality of a Jackass eating briars….
But the boy can spell “Defense”….
Just a thought…

Duke at North Carolina State
The winner of this semi-bitter instate rivalry receives coupons to Burger King.
I am not sure if that includes a complimentary decorative paper crown
More on this story as it develops.
WOLFPACK 31-28

Maryland at Wake Forest
This game features amphibians and televangelists…
I honestly have no idea which team is going to show up for this one..
The truth is…
They don’t either…
NINJA TURTLES 23-17

West Virginia at Syracuse
I was asked to say something “positive” and “uplifting” about the Orange this week.
O.K., here goes…
You all don’t suck as bad as you did last year..
How’s that?
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Stanford at Oregon State
I would rather watch my wife’s uncle Todd’s colonoscopy video (again..)
In it’s entirety…
Than watch another PAC 10 game…
CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering…
The video is kind of like the 1950’s version of “Journey to the Center of the Earth”

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
Interesting fact….
When Coach Lou Holtz has said the above schools names in quick succession…
He has actually blinded Mark May in spit…
PANTHERS 28-24

Southern Nazarene at Southwest Baptist
In case you were wondering there will be a Baptism
Following today’s game…
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 23-17

Muhlenberg at Juniata
If I was the M’ Guy here, I would watch myself…
I hear Juanita’s septic tank backed up last week and she is madder than hell
JUANITA 31-14

Indiana at Virginia
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question..
“Would they still have a college football game if no spectators came?”
CAVALIERS 17-13

Arizona at Washington
The “W” on the Huskies helmets better stand for “Win” this weekend..
or I am off the dog’s bandwagon. Yes, I mean it this time.
HUSKIES 24-10

Arizona State at Washington State
These two teams together couldn’t beat a hot dog….
DEVILS of the SUN 17-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
The Wildcats are tough….
But Coach Steve has their number…
Always has…
GAMECOCKS 31-17

Kansas State at Texas Tech
Maybe Coach Snyder could get the Wildcats motivated..
If he wore a cape and a mask on the sidelines.
I don’t know if it would help, but it sure would be funny, wouldn’t it?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-17

Miami (OH) at Northwestern
This game will be a lot closer than you might think…
That is until the National anthem is over…
WILDCATS 33-10

Purdue at Minnesota
This ancient Big Ten rivalry is played for something I can’t quite pronounce..
But it looks like a giant Tootsie Roll..
Or it could be a Donkey Turd…
I’m not really sure…
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Heidelberg at Ohio Northern
I bet Ole Heidelberg wears lederhosen and a funny hat when nobody’s looking
Enough said…
POLAR BEARS 21-7

Vanderbilt at Army
Some people in the SEC are quick to dismiss the Commodores..
But if they were in the PAC 10 they would be the second best team in the conference
No worse than third anyway…
Believe it…
‘DORES 28-14

Michigan State at Illinois
This Big Ten rivalry is played each year…
for the coveted “Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”, because frankly, nobody cares.
SPARTANS 27-24

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
The good news is…
Because this game is in Michigan, the Eagles don’t have far to go to get their ass kicked.
CHIPPEWA’S 28-23

New Mexico at Wyoming
I don’t know if I would go as far as calling this an “upset special”..
But the Cowboy’s are due….
COWBOY UP! 20-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
I have some “Good News” and some “Not so good news” here..
The “Good” news is the Aggie Corps of Cadet Marching Band…
Is one of the finest college marching bands in the country.
The Aggie War Hymn will give your goose bumps, goose bumps.
The “Not so” good news is the Cowboys are riding into town…
THE COWBOYS 38-17

Texas Southern at Rutgers
The TSU “Motion of the Ocean” – “Ocean of Soul” Marching Band
Is really something to see, unfortunately their football team isn’t.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 44-10

Navy at Rice
The Midshipmen are tough, fast and well coached.
The Owls have one of the best baseball teams in the country.
Yeah, that won’t help them much here..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Henderson State at Valdosta State
The folks from Henderson are known as the “Reddies”
Which I find to be discriminatory against blondes and brunettes
Damn racists…
BLAZERS 33-10

Marshall at Tulane
I still believe in the Thundering Herd…
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-17

Utah at Colorado State
Did you know that if you spell “Rams” backward you get “Smar”…
Not that it’s all that important here…
TWO UTES 33-24

Peru College at Lincoln (MO)
Although I have never been a fan of Lincoln, I think it is inherently wrong that a university from another country is playing college football against a team from the Heartland of America.
MO knows FOOTBALL 24-20

Ohio at Akron
Seriously, what is a “Zip” and why is their mascot a damn kangaroo?
I’ll never understand Yankees..
BOBCATS 24-23

Texas Christian at Air Force
The horned amphibians are lucky as well as good….
That’s a bad combination..
HORNED FROGS 31-17

Florida at LSU
Saturday Night in Death Valley….
For an opposing team there is nothing like it….
It’s what the Christians in the roman coliseum must have felt like before they released the..
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 23-21

UTEP at Memphis
Before last weekend I would have said U-Who?
But after outlasting the Houston Cougars last Saturday night
MIGHTY MINERS 34-23

Eastern Carolina at Southern Methodist
Despite my disappointment last week with the Ponies…
Much like Steve McQueen…
I still believe in the power of the Mighty Mustangs….
MUSTANGS 28-24

Michigan at Iowa
This classic Big Ten matchup is played for “The Old Lobster Bib”
Not really, I just made that up, but you have to admit…
It’s a better idea than the “Skank Witch Trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 28-23

Brigham Young at UNLV
The Rebels have a good chance of winning this game…
If Brigham Young misses their flight to Vegas…
COUGARS 38-10

Sunday October 11th

Fresno State at Hawaii
Have I mentioned lately that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is on A&E on Wednesday nights?
I love those guys…
BULLDOGS 33-24

Tomorrow I will have something for the disgruntled Georgia Fan…
I wonder, could it be the names and addresses of the referees from last weeks Georgia – LSU game?

Next week Hootie Snitch will discuss his request for a stimulus package to open his “new” restaurant.

Stay tuned

Enjoy your games this weekend…

RTR
MEB

You didn’t really think I was going to leave you hanging did you?

I would hope not!
I thought we knew one another better than that.

But before we launch into the final installment of Your Week 3 College Football Picks…..
Have I mentioned that last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 52 and 5 or a rather impressive 91%?

Well, did I mention that in the last two weeks I have been 105 and 16 at a rather respectable 87%?

The only reason I mention it (other than openly bragging of course) is because in the flash of an instant….
A missed extra point….here
One dropped pass….there
A single PAC 10 referee….anywhere
AND…..

That rather impressive 91% (and it is impressive; is it not?)
Stop it! You all embarrassing me!
Is a disappointing 19% and leaving me, wishing I was dyslexic…

Enough about me…
That is unless you want to hear MORE about how I got 91% of the games last week after starting out 0 and 2…
O.K….there I was….

Never mind….we don’t have time for this now.
Let’s get to the games…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football News and Views

HURRICANE IKE: I don’t know what you still have against Tina, but you need to let this go…
And let my people play football…..

WEST POINT: My Lord…The Black Knights of the Hudson lost to New Hampshire…
I didn’t even know the folks in ‘Hampshire (Pronounced: HAM-shhh-iir) had a football team…
It’s just sad…

MARYLAND: While we are on the subject of Breakdowns”…
Last week the Ninja Turtles lost to Alphabet U….
What have the Fightn Turtles been using for motivation, Slim Whitman albums?

ARKANSAS: The Razorbacks came within a buffalo fart of losing last weeks HOME game to the University of Louisiana “Monroe”….
Coach P, you will be G-O-N-E  if you let that happen one too many times…

ESPN: Last week ESPN’s “Newest” studio talking bobblehead doll David Lloyd, which looks more like a blonde headed troll……
Proclaimed….
“The Oregon State Beavers WILL beat Penn State, because Jo Pa and the Nittany Lions are a team in confusion”…….

Three hours later…
Penn State 45
Oregon State 14

Good call dumbass…
Just what we need on ESPN…
More Idiots running their mouths when the network SHOULD be showing us the College Marching Bands at halftime….

ESPN II: It is my belief that if Pam Ward’s voice was broadcast in Iraq and Afghanistan the fighting in those areas would stop….
Why?
Because they would be afraid if they didn’t stop fighting..
We would turn up the volume…

EMAIL Questions And Answers

Q: Mike, why do you ridicule the Oregon Duck Mascot?
Chad – Eugene, Oregon
A: Simple Chad; If Liberace had a Dream….
It would be about the Oregon Duck Mascot…
Clear that one up for you?

Q: Dear Sir; I am OUTRAGED by the email earlier this week from the “teacher” in California!
Everone knows that Abraham Lincoln freed the Aztecs, Eskimos and African Americans immediately after white southerners bombed Pearl Harbor and Davy Crockett and the U.S. 7th Cavalry sank the Titanic…
The Folks in California Need to Get their History straight!
Phillis – Albany, New York
A: I just LOVE modern History….

Q: I know you can’t say nothing, being at Leavenworth and all.
But are you training for some of that Gorilla warfare?
Stanley – Ringgold, Georgia
A: I want to go on the record:
No, I will not be wrestling or otherwise fighting my sister-in-law.
That is what you meant, right?

THE GAMES

Saturday, September 13th

Louisiana Lafayette at Illinois
Ole Lafayette might have been big cheese in the War of 1776…
But these are the Fighting Pumpkins!
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 33-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please no emails this week from “enlightened” educators on how Fighting Pumpkins led by General Lafayette defeated the Klingon’s at the Battle of the Bulge..
Thank you…

Southern Illinois at Northwestern
There are a lot directions in this one….
This game is a Rand McNally Dream…
WILDCATS 28-23

California at Maryland
I cannot believe I am doing this…
BEARS 34-17

Florida Atlantic at Michigan State
I am trying to be more “Culturally Sensitive” so instead of watching this game I am going to watch a program about “Ramadan Andy”…
Kind of like the Muslim version of Santa Claus or Hanukka Harry…
Never Mind…
SPARTANS 38-17

Montana State at Minnesota
Have I not told you that everything in Boseman Sucks?
That goes for the Bobcats too….
O’ SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-23

Navy at Duke
People Can’t you see?
If the Blue Devils win this game…

Then the Terrorist win!
MIDSHIPMEN 24-21

North Carolina State at Clemson
Have no fear my beloved Clemson Family…
The Big Cats are Hungry….
TOMMY’S TIGERS 34-14

Temple at Buffalo
Even I cannot believe that I am actually picking Temple…
HELL HAS FROZEN OVER 23-17

Iowa State at Iowa
Anytime I see “Iowa” something…
I always think of…
My Favorite line from a movie…
“IS this Heaven?”

“Yes, but we like to call it Tuscaloosa…”

EYE of the HAWK 33-23

EDITORS NOTE: The above is NOT to be confused with “Eye of the Tiger”

Nevada at Missouri
Believe me….
MO Knows Football…
MO’s TIGERS 43-10

UAB at Tennessee
Coach Phil finally beats a team from Alabama….
Film at Eleven…
VOWELS 34-10

East Carolina at Tulane
What has the world come to when I am picking Lou “Gobble-Gobble” Holtz’s son…
PIRATES 28-17

Georgia at South Carolina
The Gamecocks can’t keep their players out of trouble…
Or the Bulldogs out of the endzone….
BIG BAD DAWGS 33-14

EDITORS NOTE: We all know that John Saunders from ABC College Sports hates anything associated with the South….
So this one is for his dumbass..
HOW BOUT THEM BAD ASS DAWGS!!!!!!!!

 
UCLA at Brigham Young
I would love to watch this but David Hasselhoff is wrestling an Anteater on “America’s Got Talent”
I have my priorities….
BRUINS 31-28

 
Oregon at Purdue
This game will be known more for the two most disturbing mascots in all of College Football than the actual contest…
And for good reason…
QUACKS 3-2

Penn State at Syracuse
The “Orange” will get Juiced….
Believe it….
JO PA’S LIONS 38-13

Michigan at Notre Dame
Dear God….
Can’t they “Both” Lose?
FIGHTING IRISH 24-21

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
If the Hokies want to beat the 2 and 0 Yellow Jackets they better get that Big Wang on the Field.
HOKIES 23-20

EDITORS NOTE: You are probably asking yourself…”Is he that easily amused over “Wang” Jokes?
The answer is, “yes” I am…

Chattanooga at Florida State
What’s wrong Bobby?
The Fort Myers Shuffleboard League not available?
SEMINOLES 43-0

Hawaii at Oregon State
I think I speak for all of us when I say…
Thank Goodness “Dog The Bounty Hunter” is back on the air…
BEAVERS 33-28

Auburn at Mississippi State
A Good Ole fashioned Fight Between Cats and Dogs…
This one could go either way…..
TOMMY’s TIGERS 21-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Tech
My Once Proud Ponies will be beaten like rented Mules in this one…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 43-17

Western Kentucky at Alabama
Sweet Home Alabama…..
ROLL TIDE ROLL 34-16

MTSU at Kentucky
I was just thinking about him this morning…
I know this isn’t his sport…
But this one is for “Mr. Wildcat”…
WILDCATS 31-17

Juniata at Susquehanna
Sorry, this segment is for my other Blog…
“When Mexican Girls Attack”..
But if I was betting I would take Juniata…
That girl is tough…

Rensselaer at Endicott College
What is wrong with me today?
As you can see, this entry of fungus and warts belong in my medical blog..
“Turn your head and Cough with Dr.Mike”
Sorry….

Samford at Mississippi
I never knew Fred Samford had a college?
There must be alot of money in that ole Junk…
I wonder if Lamont is the President?
Never mind….
REBELS 43-10

New Mexico State at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn will be very happy…
HUSKERS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: I like the Aggies but cannot support the change in mascot to Lasso Larry…
Give Pete back his six guns for Gods Sake!
Before you ask…No I will not give that up…

Rice at Vanderbilt
Will the Commodores start the season at 3 and 0?
They damn sure will….
COMMODORES 31-17

Memphis at Marshall
Everbody knows I like Elvis…
But have you seen “We are Marshall”?
Enough said….
THUNDERING HERD 28-24

Iona at Wagner
I cannot believe that Vacuum Cleaner College has a football team..
They must really suck…
OLE IONA 28-24

Southern Miss at Arkansas State
I Love those folks from H-Burg…
And that is good enough for me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-24

Alabama A&M at Louisiana Monroe
The Bulldogs cannot stand up to the power of the War Hawk…
Trust me…
I am a believer..
WAR HAWKS 38-10

Stanford at Texas Christian
If IKE doesn’t screw this game up…
It will be a dandy for three quarters…
HORNED FROGS 24-17

Alcorn State at Troy
A school named for a nut cannot and should not beat the men of Troy…
MEN of TROY 23-14

Missouri State at Oklahoma State
This game will be like a John Wayne Movie…
Nothing but..
COWBOYS 33-10

Virginia at Connecticut
I wish I cared…But I don’t.
HUSKIES 6-3

Oklahoma at Washington
If you have children…
DO not let them watch this game..
It will be ugly…
BOOMER SOONER 43-10

North Texas at LSU
I have a portion of the personal Diary of the North Texas Head Coach…
“Dear Diary…
Can’t this game be postponed?
I would much prefer to take my butt whipping later…
When the Tigers are tired and maybe looking ahead to an SEC opponent..
Can you help me Diary?”
Noooooo….
Time for your ass whipping….
FIGHTN TIGERS 44-10

Utah at Utah State
I think in this case it is appropriate to quote the two most famous residents of Utah.
In the words of Donny and Marie….
“I am a little bit country….and a little bit Rock and Roll..”

This really didn’t have anything to do with the pick..
I just thought it was funny….
TWO UTES 38-21

Bowling Green at Boise State
This game is going to be uglier than dollar beer night at the Bowling Alley…
BRONCOS 44-14

Arizona at New Mexico
The Best game on television at three o’clock in the morning eastern time…
That is unless you have the full cable package…
WILDCATS 24-21

UNLV at Arizona State
The Devils from the Land of the Sun will dominate…
It’s true…..
SUN DEVILS 37-10

Wisconsin at Fresno State
Behold the mighty power of the Cheese….
To include any and all cheese like snacks…
BADGERS 34-10

Ohio State at Southern California
The Game of the Week…
You might think I am crazy…
But that’s what they said about Ted Bundy and the Wright Brothers…
THE MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-24

Believe it….

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

Despite the fact we still have a game or two this evening, it’s time to take a look back at the memorable and the “not-so”-memorable events and games of the first weekend of College Football.
But before we get into college football….

I hope my friends and family along the Gulf Coast have stayed hunkered down during Hurricane Gustav and that they and all their pets are doing well.
You all know who you are so don’t think I am going to take up valuable space here with names..
Love you all – Stay Safe.

SATURDAY QUOTES

“This is the FIRST Real pressure situation for Mark Sanchez as a Trojan”
- ESPN Commentator Mark “Milk Dud Head” May on $outhern Cal Trojan Quarterback Mark Sanchez’s start against Virginia.

EDITORS NOTE: Really? Even “more” pressure than when he was arrested for “Rape” a couple of years ago? More pressure than that?  Wow…..
You all do remember that right?
By the way..Who paid for the 250K Bail?
Just wondering…..

“We have worked too hard this year not to be successful.”
- ESPN Sideline ”Reporter” Jeannie Edwards quoting Coach Rich Rod of Michigan on “Why the Wolverines will defeat Utah.”

EDITORS NOTE: Yeah Coach…NOBODY else worked hard this off-season but you.
Except maybe Utah…..Dumbass.

“Gobble…Gobble….Gobble..(Spit) Gobble!!! Gobble!! SQUAWK! SQUAWK!!!!! (Spit)”
- Coach Lou Holtz on ESPN’s painful halftime segment entitled “Ask Dr. Lou”

EDITORS NOTE: For the Love of God….someone stop Lou Holtz from trying to speak.

TEAM NEWS

WEST POINT: You all got the living hell beat out of you by Temple….as in TEMPLE.
I really don’t know what else to say…

PITTSBURGH: See above and substitute “Bowling Green” for “Temple”….Idiots.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Hokies lost to a Skip Holtz Coached team.
The Only thing worse than that? See West Point Above…

HAWAII: That whole “We are Better than the Southeastern Conference” trash talk seems kind of funny now after playing two teams in the Conference and getting beat 143 to 13, doesn’t it?
I thought so….

DUKE: This past Saturday a ten person sky diving team intended for the University of North Carolina’s pre-game activities ”missed” and landed in Blue Devil stadium while the teams were warming up.
No one was hurt and due in large part to the unintended landing, the Blue Devils claimed ten more people in attendance than last years opening home game.

EDITORS NOTE: If you guessed that the Duke Blue Devils had over twenty people in attendance for their first home game, you would be correct. Which is just sad.

SOUTHERN METHODIST: Friday Night my Mighty Mustangs were playing more like Shetland Ponies at the Carnival….

GEORGIA: This past Saturday in pregame festivities the University of Georgia welcomed UGA VII as the new Bulldog Mascot. UGA VII is the son of UGA VI and although not as handsome as his daddy, I am betting he will be a damn good Dawg.

VIRGINIA TECH: (Part II) One bright spot on the Virginia Tech Hokie loss this past Saturday was some outstanding play by a freshman Tight End.
Freshman Ed Wang is 6-6 and 275 pounds and appears to have a bright future in Blacksburg.
They say that he is the Biggest Wang in his family.
What?
What did I say?

EDITORS NOTE: There is a lesson to be learned here folks -
“Just because you have a big Wang doesn’t mean you always get to win.”

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: I cannot believe that we lost to a team called the Utes!
Can it get any worse for the Wolverines? Really?
Thomas – Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: You mean other than getting beat by a bunch of Donny and Marie Fans?
I think the worse part for me was watching Coach Rod’s “Hooker Look-a-Like” Wife on the ”Stripper Pole” at Mid-Field while the Wolverine Band played “Hey Big Spender”.
Welcome to the “New” Maze and Blue Halftime Show…..

Q: I read last week that you are in Leavenworth! I don’t even care what you done, I think that is awesome! Hey Man, Is there anyway you could get me Michael Vicks autograph?
Thanks Man!
Jimbo – Carthage, Tennessee
A: You were called “Special” in school? Right, Jimbo?

Q: Greetings! My name is Dusty and I am part of what I believe is the first and only Conch Shell Barbershop quartet in America! We are called Conchelicious!
We perform such favorites as “How Dry I am” and “Workin on the Railroad,” But instead of singing those classics….the four of us play the notes on Conch Shells!
People Love it!
Last week we performed at the Beautiful Life Assisted Living Center and they went nuts!
There may have been a bra thrown our way, we’re not really sure what it was, but it had lace on it.
Anyway, my question is this…
Do you think there is ANYWAY that Conchelicious could play the National Anthem at a Georgia Tech Home game this year?
Just give it to us straight…
Dusty and the Boys – Atlanta, Georgia
A: I think you boys would be perfect for Georgia Tech….
Go for it.

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can help me with.
I recently bought this lawnmower that says it’s “Worry Free”.
Yet I STILL worry ALL the time, about all kinds of things, like whether sippy cups are really safe, the GNP of Liechtenstein and the number 81.
My question is this, should I take the lawnmower back? I am STILL worrying!
Does this mean the lawnmower is defective?
Thanks!
Chip – La Jolla, California
A: I am not saying that “I wish the BIG Earthquake would hit southern California”…..ALL I am saying is……….

Your College Football Picks for Week 2 will be out later in the Week…
Have a Great Week…

RTR
MEB