It’s Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer Country in Baneberry Tennessee!

I ain’t been a writing cause I’ve been busier than a dog with two tails to chase.
I done finished up a “Christmas Special” for Dollywood called…
“Who Let the Clogs Out”

And….

I still got “Scooter’s” Bar and Grill in Baneberry and some more stuff I will tell you about later.

But we got to talk serious…..
Cause I am here to bring you the State of the Big Orange Nation Address

State of the Big Orange

If you ain’t a Tennessee Volunteer and if you and your babies don’t drool Orange then you might as well as a stop reading, cause this is all about the Big Orange Nation.

Now I know that we Vols ain’t been winning like we was when the Greatest Coach to ever win a Hot Dog Eating Contest Coach Phillip Fulmer stomped the sidelines, but that damn Lame Kitten done screwed us up when he was here and we is paying the price for that mistake.

Just look at this damn picture…..
You can tell Lame and them two idiots next to him ain’t seen the ball since kickoff.

Lame Kitten didn’t belong in Tennessee anymore than Mike Tyson belongs on “Celebrity Jeopardy” and he recruited some boys that were so dumb….
They couldn’t even spell football if you spotted them the “O’s” and the “L’s”.

I mean how damn dumb do you have to be to rob somebody in broad daylight wearing your Tennessee Vol’s practice uniform? At least Coach Fulmer had the good sense to tell them boys to wear a ski mask.

And that damn Athletic Director we had Mike Hamilton, I could have told you not to trust that goober pea. Never trust a man that looks like a Possum. Every time I seen him on the television he was always acting like he was a hunting a sweet potato, know what I mean?

We now got everything in place; we got us a good football coach and a good athletic director.

Remember, Rome Georgia wasn’t built in a day.

And let me tell, we just ain’t been bit by the “injury bug” this year, it’s been a damn plague.
It’s been so damn bad…..
Coach Dooley had to call some fraternity houses on campus last week to get a damn kicker.

So we Vols have had our selves a mountain to climb this year.

But let me tell you something and listen good.

Although me and that damn CFB Wizard don’t see eye to eye on the college football…
Or anything else for that matter.
I got to admit that ole boy is right about one thing.

We ain’t had no arrests this year of any Tennessee football players, not one.

I can’t remember the last time we didn’t have something going on with the Knoxville PD, the Knoxville Fire Department, the Tennessee Highway Patrol, DEA, ATF or the Coast Guard.

Can you?

Which goes to show you that Coach Dooley ain’t putting up with that kind of foolishness.

And I for one am glad and you should be too.

So let’s be patient Big Orange Fans

And let me say a few more things, about yawl that is frustrated and raising ten kinds of Hell about this football season getting liquored up in “Scooter’s” which is my Bar in Grill right here in Baneberry Tennessee.

Show your Tennessee Volunteer Big Orange Spirit!

To show my Volunteer Pride me and my bride (The former Miss Thelma Stroderback who is a hand model for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store, jealous?) went and done decorated our house, hell yeah we done it! And we went whole Hog; we matched the truck with the house, that’s cool as hell ain’t it?

I will tell you something else. The Coaches we got now ain’t just cleaning up the football program, they is cleaning up the football players too.

Don’t you start a laughing about this neither, have you ever been around some ole sweating fellow that’s been a working and a sweating all day? It smells like my Mother-in-laws Tuna Noodle Helper Spam Loaf Casserole, which she is supposed to bring over for Thanksgiving this year.
I could damn near throw up just a thinking about it.

So let’s get behind the Big Orange this year Volunteer Fans, there is plenty of football left to be played and if we win the rest of the games we is going Bowling!

It’s like the sign in the Volunteer locker room says….

BELIEVE IT!

GO VOLS!

Hootie-Out!

It’s your ole boy Hootie Snitch!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

Coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer country right here in Baneberry Tennessee!

Not only am I a bringing yawl the “Big Orange Report”…….
But I got me an “All Access” pass behind the scenes with Coach Derek Drooley!

Hell Yeah!

The BIG Orange Report

I was going to name this the “All Orange” report but then that Mister Wizard said I couldn’t do it cause it may confuse folks cause there is other “orange” teams. Then I was a wanting to argue that there is only One Orange and that’s the BIG Orange and then he give me this to watch…..
Cause he says Auburn is orange too…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now you know why I don’t tailgate with any of them auburn fans.
They ain’t sophisticated like us Tennessee Volunteers!
Mountain Dew and a damn lizard ain’t good tailgating food!
There wasn’t a beer to be seen in that whole damn thing!

Let’s get to the Big Orange Report before I throwed up from that video

The 2011 Volunteers is bigger, faster and smarter than they was last year.
And even though we got the toughest schedule in the whole nation with games against…

LSU (Now that we learned to count to “11” this year, yawl is going to lose)
Florida (Damn Gators)
Alabama (Damn them all)
Arkansas (I think them Hog hats look stupid)
Georgia (I hate everyone of yawl)
South Carolina (Colonel Sanders called he wants his mascot back)
Vanderbilt (Them smart kids are going to get a ass whopping)
Kentucky (I guarantee a win here)

Then our out of conference schedule get’s even worse with games against..

Middle Tennessee State (Which like a “rival” game)
Montana (They is called the Grizzlies for a reason, their cheerleaders look like bears)
The we got games against two NFL teams and I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone scheduled the Volunteers to play Cincinnati and Buffalo.
Don’t worry we ain’t scared.
We going to win them games too.
You can bet your Slim Jim on it!

Here is my prediction for the season.
Hold on to your seat, this one is going to be a shocker!

The Tennessee Volunteers are going to undefeated this year, win the SEC Championship and be in the BCS Championship game and make the NFL playoffs after they whoop Cincinnati and Buffalo.

It’s Football Time in Tennessee so get ready!

All Access with Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley

As the Biggest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity to follow Tennessee Volunteer Coach Derek Drooley around practice for a day and set in the front row when Coach Drooley talked to the media folks (Like me)

He even let me take some pictures and I am fixing to show them to you.
It was an awesome day!

Let me tell you what I learned about Coach Drooley….
He is sharp as a damn tack…
During practice he keeps his eyes on everything and he don’t miss nothing!

He even spotted some dog do-do on the football field before somebody stepped in it

I bet Smokey slipped off down there and did his business on the practice field

He showed them Boys how to do a push-up too cause most of them don’t know nothing like that

After looking at this picture again….I might have these things out of order….
This might have been about the time Coach Drooley spotted the dog do-do.

Coach Drooley is a “coach” and teacher….
He takes time with them players like nothing I ever seen before!
Like during the media conference Coach Drooley was a telling them folks in the audience how he shows them boys “how to hold a hamburger”

And how to hold one of them cell phones when you is talking on it

And Coach has ALWAYS been a caring person like that with his players.
He showed me this picture in his office when he was coaching at Louisiana Tech about a kicker that he had that was cross-eyed as a Siamese cat and couldn’t hit the uprights to save his life.

Well before that ole boy would go out there to kick…..
Coach Drooley would start reminding him what the goal post looked like and where to kick the ball

And guess what?
After 116 tries that kicker done split the uprights and got him an extra point! I call that Coaching!

I got to run, the wife is a hollering about something…
I am a going to be back after the first game with some of my “insight” into the games and a surprise or two for yawl! So hang on and get ready for the Damn VOLS!

GO VOLS!
Hootie-Out!

Coming to you from the heart of Volunteer Country!
Right here in Baneberry Tennessee!

I done wrote me a Christmas Story and I got some other stuff too…..

It’s like the “Night Before Christmas”…..

But think of it as the Tennessee version…

It’s awesome as hell….

Yawl Enjoy….

Hootie’s Night Before Christmas

Was the night afore Christmas
And up in the holler
I was lookin’ for neighbors,
I needed a dollar.

The dog was all curled up
down under the house.
So dadgum cold,
shacked up with a mouse.

My sweatsocks were nailed up
on the livin room wall.
In hopes that ole Fulmer Claus
would fill ‘em all.

Now Thelma, my bride,
Was havin a fit.
Pulled out her last ciggy
She just got it lit

Said “Hootie, dadgummit,
I’m outta my pack
Go down to the store,
And hurry right back”

I was on my dirt road
And I heard a big racket
Reached down in my pocket
To make sure I was packin.

I peeked round the barn
Scared outta my wits
If its them Caufield boys,
I’ll blow ‘em to bits.

The moon was real big
I could see for a mile
The hog pen was empty
I was skeered for a while

The John Deere was shinin
By light of the moon.
I new Fulmer Claus
Would be here real soon.

Then all of a sudden
Heard a big Briggs & Stratton
Then I saw a fat figure
He sounded like Patton.

Hang On…..

I was a going to finish this but I slipped on the ice in front of the trailer house and I busted my ass.
Now I’m layed up and Thelma is raising nine kinds of hell cause I ain’t got the Pabst Blue Ribbon lighted Christmas sign up in the window and…
Our genuine lighted University of Tennessee Volunteers blow-up Christmas globe in the front yard ain’t got no air in it and it looks kind of saggy.

Then to make matters worse……

My in-laws is a coming for Christmas and they is judgmental as hell….
I know damn well they didn’t want Thelma to marry Ole Hootie….
And My Mother in Law makes what she calls a “traditional” Christmas dish….
What it is a….
Tuna Noodle Helper Spam Loaf Casserole

I don’t need to tell you when that thing is a cooking….
The whole trailer house smells like a damn Port O’ John at a construction site….

And if that ain’t bad enough…..

Thelma’s half brother is a coming too…..
Cody thinks he is some kind of singer and the family put up the money so they boy could have a album, CD or what the hell ever…..

I promised Thelma I would help “promote it” so here is the cover of the album….
So here you go…

That boy is cross eyed as a Siamese cat, ain’t he?

He don’t singer no better than he looks either and you better believe that too!

I know this…..
Christmas sure is complicated when you got In-Laws….

But enough of my complaining….

Merry Christmas Yawl and a Happy New Year in 2011 when the Vols are going to be Number Damn One team in the Country!

Hootie- Out!

And I got me a royal case of the red ass….

And I will tell you why….

First off I’m a sitting here in my bar “Scooters” located in Baneberry Tennessee right next to Frank’s Fireworks Stand and before yawl even write me I know the damn sign on my bar is missing the last “S” in Scooter’s. That ole boy that put it together has got himself a prosthetic eye, I heard he lost it in a weed eater accident and he don’t see so good, so that’s why it’s a missing the last “S”.

But I’m here a nursing me a hangover from hell…
Because of the last two damn weeks of Tennessee Volunteer football.

If you don’t know what I mean, then here you go…

Two weeks ago….
The Volunteers got cheated out of a damn game with them Oregon Ducks..
How do I know that?
Let me tell you….

What do Ducks like? “Water” am I right?
You damn right I’m a right on that one!
So the Volunteers was a handling them Ducks pretty good and a winning the game….
Until it started to rain, that’s right I said RAIN…
Well, that is unfair as hell!
Because that was a when them damn Ducks took off!

What they should have done was stopped the game until it quit raining!
Because it ain’t fair to try and catch ducks in the rain and it don’t make good sense neither!
Them damn Pack 10 referees ain’t worth a tinkers damn if you ask me!
So they basically gave the game to the Ducks…..

Then this past Saturday the damn Urban Gators come to town….
We had us about ten chances to win that game, we damn sure did..
And couldn’t do it cause the Gators cheat like hell and the referees are all on their side cause they probably live down in Florida.

On top of all of that I went to both of them games and felt like me and my wife got cheated on our tickets cause…
a whole bunch of Volunteer fans started leaving in the third quarter in both of them games.

So I asked one of them “so called Tennessee fans” during the Florida game,
if they bought a ticket for half the game and they started a cussing a blue streak and having a full blown hissy fit.
So I accused him of being a Gator fan in Vol clothes!
Which I don’t know if it’s true or not but it’s all I could come with at the time.
And you know what?
Me and the Mrs. Thelma Stroderback –Snitch still don’t know if there is a damn ticket for only half the game at Tennessee?

So there you have it…
Now even though I ain’t too happy about right now…
I am still a going to answer some of my fans questions cause I know yawl want to know what’s on Ole Hootie’s mind.

Hootie’s Email Questions

Q: Hootie I got a question for you
I know there all kinds of turf now days in college football…
But which do you like better artificial turf or natural grass?
GO VOLS!
Jimmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I don’t know Jimmy I ain’t never smoked any artificial turf

Q: Hey Hootie!
Hey I noticed the new Tennessee Volunteer helmets have a “T” on the front of the helmet,
when it used to say “Vols”, is there a reason for the change?
Tina – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: As you know Tina, Coach Drooly is trying to put more emphasis on the education for the players,
so they put the “T” on the front because it stands for “Knowledge”.
They say it makes them players smarter…

Q: Hey Hootie! How Bout them Gators!
Randy – Gainesville, Florida

A: Let me tell you something Randy…
You don’t want to go to “Fist City” with me boy!
I can’t even walk around Baneberry with my hands in my pockets
because the Police will arrest me for concealing two deadly weapons, so you better watch your damn mouth!
Smartass Gator…

Q: Hootie –
Now that you have your bar off its wheels and in a permanent location…
what have you been up to other than supporting the Big Orange?
Do you still work at Dollywood?
Roy – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thanks for asking Roy, that last email made my red ass flare up…
Well me and the Miss’s are a running “Scooters” and she is still doing her hand modeling for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store and she is still writing some songs and driving a Baneberry school bus.
The Dollywood show I was in “Who Let the Clogs out?” closed up at the end of the summer.
But I got me a “new” audition coming up at Dollywood for the musical “Phantom of the Oprah”

Q: Give it to us straight Hootie!!!!
As a loyal died in the wool, your blood bleeds orange Tennessee Volunteer Fan..
What do you think about our Football Coach?
“The Boy’s” from Big Ed’s Tire and Appliance, Johnson City, Tennessee

A: Well Boys….
I think Coach Drooly is doing fine, for now….
And I know we can’t get Coach Phil Fulmer back,
because he took that job as “The Ambassador of Lard” for the Tennessee Pride Sausage Company.
But like everybody else I have a Dream…..
That one day….
In the not too distant future….
“He” will come home to Coach the Volunteers
I get misty eyed every time I look at this picture…

One last thing…
Don’t yawl dare forget about my Celebrity Golf Tournament coming up on the 16th of October during the Volunteers bye week.
It’s going to be held right here in Baneberry Tennessee and most of the money is going to a worthy cause.
It’s to help my momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

See yawl there!

Hootie Out!

That’s right it’s your ole buddy Hootie Snitch!

Coming to you from right here in beautiful Baneberry Tennessee!
It’s smack dab in the heart of Volunteer Country!
Go BIG Orange!

I know yawl have been a missing me and a wondering what ole Hootie has been doing!
So kick your shoes off and relax, we got some catching up to do…

First things First….
Before I go talking about my personal life…

I got something I need to talk with yawl about…

Yawl saw that beautiful “Welcome to Baneberry” sign I got on here….
And you probably noticed underneath it a sign about the Baneberry Golf Resort..

Well that is what I want to talk with yawl about…

I am having me a Golf Fundraiser to help fight Hoof and Mouth Disease
It’s a going to be Saturday October 16th (It’s the Vol’s Bye week)

I am doing this to help my Momma who contradicted the disease from a chewing her toenails from being nervous and a wondering if the folks at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum and Gift shop in Chattanooga Tennessee was going to put her on the ballot this year for the Hall of Fame.

Now here is what you need to know if you want to take part in a worthy cause
And meet the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
By the way…. Autographs and pictures are Free!!!

Yawl need to know that the Baneberry Golf Resort really ain’t a “Golf Resort”
We play Golf on the back forty of Humpy Johnsons farm and instead of them sissy golf carts
we ride four wheelers, Hell Yeah we do!

Some folks have golf clubs and other folks just bring a shotgun to see if they can hit the golf ball in the air. So bring whatever you got….
A damn good time is gonna be had by everybody!

Entry fee is twenty dollars and a 12 pack of beer, preferably Budweiser.
The beer will help keep Humpy Johnson liquored up and keeps him from shooting at us
and the twenty dollars goes to help my Momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

I will have some “surprise” celebrities there too!
See yawl there!

Now for the really “Big News”
Them rumors are true…..

I done went and got myself hitched to a local “super-model”…..
It was legal and everything…
We got hitched by an Elvis preacher up there in Gatlinburg to the sounds of “Heartbreak Hotel”
It was about the most romantic thing I ever seen…

Now for those of you that “don’t” know who she is….
The Mrs. James “Hootie” Snitch is none other than “The” Thelma Stroderback who is the famous hand model in them ads for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store.

If you have seen them ads then you have seen my gal’s hands lifting fertilizer bags, and holding a Power Take Off for a Massey Ferguson Tractor and a bunch of other pictures too.

I don’t need to tell you she is drop damn dead good looking, cause she is
And she’s got hands big as a first baseman’s glove.
But I ain’t about to show a picture of her now, no sir, not yet anyway.
And you better believe she is a BIG Tennessee VOL Fan!
Hell yeah!
That just makes us the perfect match!

Guess what else Thelma does?
Go ahead and guess?
She only wrote and sang a country song that went to “Number damn One”
as the most requested song on our Baneberry Country Station for FOUR weeks in a row!
It’s called: “You are one more lie away from me kicking your ass out of the house”

In case some you don’t follow country music; It’s a love song…

We followed up our wedding by having our honeymoon at the famous Baneberry Bed and Breakfast Inn, located just outside the city limits. I am telling you, if you come down here for the Golf Tournament you got to stay there, it ain’t nothing but first class all the way.
Here is a little picture of our “Honeymoon Cabin”….

Now I know the news of my nuptials upsets you lady readers that Ole Hootie is off the market…
And I can almost hear the wailing and crying from here…
But yawl got to understand, this is like Brad Pitt marrying Angelina what’s her name….
We is like two celebrities that was just meant to be together.…

One More piece of News…
I done went and moved “Snitch’s Bar and Grill”
From out of the previously owned double wide trailer and into town in a cinder block building!
Hell yeah I did!

That’s where we had our wedding reception and it was all in Tennessee Orange!
It even matched the outside the building!

But just so’s you know I will be making a name change to the business too
It is going to be called “Scooters” (after my Daddy)

I changed the name cause…
All them NCAA investigators that have poking around the Vols
have been a showing up at my bar looking for information because my place is called Snitch’s….
If you come down here for my Golfing Tournament to help my Momma with the Hoof and Mouth Disease
you can wet your whistle at the “new” Scooters.

Now for the Good Stuff…..

IT’S FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE!!!!!!

Now I got my own preseason guesses as to how this season is a going to go
and I am a going to give you the business right now.
So you better be ready!

The 2010 Conference Champs

The Big 10

That’s up north and I don’t know what’s big about it unless you’re talking about the women.
So I don’t care…..

The Big 12

Yawl count even worse than them folks in the Big 10 cause you ain’t got 12 teams in your conference,
so I don’t care about yawl neither.

Atlantic Coast of Conference

I drove down to the Atlantic Ocean when I went to the “Cooter Festival” down in South Carolina
It wasn’t nothing to write home about and it smelled like a paper mill.

Conference USA

I never even heard of this one, it sounds made up

The Big East

The east ain’t big…
It’s just a direction on the damn map which makes them sound plain stupid if you ask me.

The Pacific Athletic Conference of Ten

Yawl got Lame Kitten as a coach out there and he is dumber than hell for leaving the Volunteers,
so yawl is dumber than hell for taking him. That’s all I got to say about that..

Plus, Thelma and I agree that Coach Ogeron looks like a Poland China hog going off to market..

The SEC Champs

Let me tell you straight…
The Tennessee Volunteers were only eighteen plays away last year from a National Championship
and we played Alabama down to the damn wire, which kind of makes us Number two in the country, if you know what I mean.
Now that I stated them facts, let me tell you how this is a going to go…

Coach Drooly has them boys in Orange primed and I do mean primed…
For a run at the National Championship this year!

Florida won’t be a problem since Tim what’s his damn face left

Alabama ain’t got nothing and everybody else on the schedule is an easy “W” for the VOLS!

The way I see it, after we beat whoever in Atlanta for the SEC Championship, Hell yeah!

Then we will play somebody that ain’t as good as us and we will be the National Champs!
Hell I can’t wait! It’s going to be AWESOME!

I will answer my emails and have some other stuff out for yawl later….
My woman is a hollering for me, so I got to go…

More later

GO VOLS!

Hootie- Out!

Hell yeah it’s me!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!

It’s Hootie “Mad as Hell” Snitch

Hell yes I’m Mad!

You want to know why?

Cause everything done got turned upside down!!

First that damn dope smoking California Loving Coach Lame Kitten..
Done ditched us faster than a supermodel on a blind date with a one eyed midget.

Not to mention I went and done gave Lame and his whole damn Zima drinking coaching staff
“free two –for-one coupons” at Snitch’s Bar and Grill for all the Possum wings and Muskrat Nuggets they could eat.

I bet that SOB took them coupons with him when he left too!

I call that ungrateful as Hell!

Now there might be some cussing in this one, so you might not want your young’uns a reading this episode.

And if that ain’t bad enough…..

Two of my waitresses at my restaurant Snitch’s Bar and Grill….
Who just so happened to be Tennessee Hostesses for “recruiting purposes” done went and got arrested.

But I’ll get to that in a minute I ain’t done with Lame “Ass” Kitten, not by a damn sight.

The University of Tennessee done went and gave him the highest salaried staff in the whole Southeastern Conference
and the highest budget in all of damn college football to recruit football players.

Guess what he done?

Not a damn thing but almost bankrupt the athletic department!

He spent that money faster than the federal government!

The University covered up his partying with coeds off campus

We all forgave him for running his mouth and acting like a damn ass….

We turned a deaf ear when he said there weren’t no good high school football players in the state of Tennessee.
I ain’t going to lie, that one flat pissed me off.

We gave him a pass when his damn assistants acted like over age and over weight Chippendale dancers taking their shirts off to try and impress recruits.
I wasn’t going to say nothing about it….
But that was so gay I believe if Boy George drove by and saw that a going on
Even he would holler out the window “By God that IS Gay!”

We even got his recruits into our college, even when they couldn’t spell cat if you spotted them the “C” and the damn “T”

Some of them boys he recruited are dumber than a sack full of dog turds and I ain’t even joking about that.

If you think I’m a wrong
Then why in the hell would you rob somebody with all your Tennessee Football gear on in Knoxville?
Why didn’t that boy and them other football players…
Just show them people they was fixing to rob their student I D’s before they tried to car jack them?

And the University covered up his car accident too.

My Momma was the one that towed his car….
By the way yawl need to call that International Tow Truck Hall of Fame, Museum and Gift Shop and tell them to put my Momma in that Hall of Fame!

Anyway Momma said when she went to tow Lame’s car he was so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.
She said it and my Momma don’t lie!

Remember when….
Lame said all that mess about “wanting to embrace the traditions of Tennessee” and “Singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida”?

Well at least I can say he was consistent, cause he didn’t do any of those damn things.

Then after all of that….
He don’t have the common decency to have a press conference longer that a damn minute to thank us for everything we done for him?

And where did Ole Lame “Ass Kitten” go too?
He run off to the weakest college football conference in the damn country!
I know them media types slobber over them Southern California Trojans
Like people at a Weight Watchers meeting over a Nutty Buddy, but the facts is facts.

Most of them teams out west couldn’t beat Maryville Tennessee High School.

Fact is, he couldn’t compete with the Big Boys in the S-E-C and that’s how I see it.

Now that I about got that out of my system, I got one more thing to say about this subject.

Just for the record I thought those black football jerseys were dumber than hell.

Now about the arrest of my waitresses and “former” Tennessee hostesses for “recruiting purposes”…
Yawl probably heard about it, right?

Here is a what the newspaper said about it, then I will tell you the “real” facts.

JANUARY 28–Two Tennessee women who accused a man of rape have admitted to cops that they had consensually agreed to sex with him in exchange for a pack of cigarettes.
One woman told investigators that the duo filed a phony police report because they “didn’t enjoy the sex,” according to cops.
Jessica Kathleen Alexander, 18, and Tammy Nicole Ortega, 29, were arrested today for filing a false police report.

Here are the real facts, first; they never said what kind of cigarettes they was trading for?

Was it Marlboro Reds in the Box?
Because that changes “everything”, know what I mean?
Because I know for a fact, them girls don’t smoke no generic brand.

Second the police should take them girls word for what happened
Because of them being University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”.

And thirdly, why does everybody want to pick on the good looking women?
I will tell you why, damn jealousy that’s why!
I am willing to bet the keys to Snitch’s Bar and Grill…
That this whole damn thing is driven by jealousy cause these gals are so damn good looking.

If they wasn’t good looking, then why was they University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”?

I rest my case.

Glad I could clear that up for everybody.

More later on Tennessee’s new football Coach from Snitch’s Bar and Grill.

Hootie – Out!

It’s Hootie Snitch!
The Number damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

There has been a lot happening!

The Tennessee Vols is State Champions!

Hell Yeah!

Also I got some Big News about my brand damn new place “Snitch’s”
It’s in a previously owned double wide just off the bypass
Right here in Baneberry Tennessee…

It is freaking awesome!

I even got me some emails to answer too

And it wouldn’t be Christmas without a surprise now would it?
Ole Hootie got yawl a surprise that Alabama guy don’t know nothing about..

So kick off your shoes and make yourself at home…

TENNESSEE VOLS and the NCAA

So them damn Yankees don’t like the University of Tennessee having some “hostesses”?
You want to know why?
I am fixing to tell you
Cause all them gals up north…..
don’t shave their legs or arm pits and wear perfume that smells like bug repellent.
Not to mention they always have about ten layers of clothes on cause it’s always cold enough up there to freeze a brass monkey.
They is prejudice that we got all the good looking women down South.
That’s what it is….
So I say lets send them a bunch of them Lady Schick razors, a bushel basket of makeup
And some perfumes that don’t smell like cat urine and see if that don’t improve the scenery up there.

SNITCH’S BAR & GRILL

You might notice I put the “Bar and Grill” behind the name of my new place.
It sounds classy don’t it?
I did that because I got a “Bar” and I “grill” the best damn Possum wings in the county!
So it just kind of made sense.
Plus I ain’t got no “infringement” problems like I did with them Hooter’s people
Anyways….

I had the Grand Opening a few weeks ago and guess who showed up?
Go ahead and guess!
Guess again!
I’ll tell you!
Only the greatest Coach ever to wear an Orange!
Coach Phil Fulmer himself!
He showed up cause everybody knows he’s a Snitch…..
And I heard he was part Ratt on my momma’s side too!

Coach even helped us string some lights outside of the new place
And decorate our tree Christmas tree!

It’s awesome as hell ain’t it!

Coach Phil even “Volunteered” (get it!) to be the Santa at Snitch’s
Because folks coming in here to get their “Drink on” with their kids in tow, need something to keep them young’uns occupied.
But we had us an incident so that didn’t pan out…
This one kid come in with his momma, he was about six years old
He smelled like wet cotton candy and baloney….
And before I could say “Tennessee Volunteers are Number Damn One!”
Coach Phil had a hold of that little boy and was fixing to eat him….

I don’t blame Coach Phil; he’s got what they call a sugar condition.

But before I give you yawls Christmas Surprise…
I got do something for my partners in crime
This here is a picture of my two running partners Skeeter and Tater
Folks around here call us the “Three Amigo’s” and some people think them boys look like Brad Pitt and that Clooney fellow.
I figured it wouldn’t hurt to put a picture of them in here for Christmas.
That’s them taking a break on the front porch of Snitch’s when we was fixing it up
Merry Christmas Boys!

One more thing…
If any of yawl is still looking for that “special” gift for Christmas
Come on down to “Snitch’s” for some gift certificates!
I got certificates for Possum Wings and Barbequed Muskrat nuggets!
If yawl is wondering if my food is any good?
Look no further than the Baneberry Health Department
They come by and inspected my place and gave me a “D” for Delicious!

And don’t forget to check out the website of my favorite Gift Shop!
The International Tow Truck Hall of Fame Museum Hall of Fame and Gift Shop!

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

If you is real lucky you might find a shirt like this one!

HOOTIE’S CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

I promised yawl a Christmas surprise and I bet you can’t guess what it is?
Go ahead and guess!
Guess again!
I’ll tell you!
At the “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s I invited everybody on my dating site
“Disharmony Dot Com”
And guess who showed up?
Bet you can’t guess?
The Sister-in-Law of the Alabama guy that writes this here column!
She rode down from Kentucky with some other gals and let me tell you something,,,
That gal has got the personality of a jackass eating briars!
But I done went and got a picture of her!

She told me she combs her back like that to cover them “calcium deposits”
And believe it or not…somewhere underneath all that hair is a tube top.

HOOTIES EMAIL

Q: Dear Sir –
My wife and I are traveling to Volunteer Country during Christmas to see the beauty of the Mountains,
and I have a question that I hope you can help us out with.
We understand that shouting “Ho Ho Ho!” has an entirely different meaning in Volunteer Country is that true?
We certainly wouldn’t want offend anyone.
The Dillon’s- Cincinnati, Ohio

A: You ain’t got to be all formal! Just call me Hootie…
Anyways….
I don’t know about offended anybody….
But if you come in the door of Snitch’s and shout “Ho Ho Ho!”
Every woman in the place will turn around….
I like to think of it as an ice breaker…

Q: Hey Hootie!
The Boys and I at the plant have a question for you.
Two questions actually.
One: Do you have a jute box in your new place?
Two: What kind of tunes do you have on it?
We are thinking about making a road trip to see you during the holidays!
Thanks!
The Boys – Winchester, Tennessee

A: Winchester Tennessee!
That’s Only the Hometown of Coach Phil Fulmer!
That place is like my “Graceland”!

Well Boys, I ain’t got a jute box yet, but it’s a coming..
So right now I got me a one of them CD Players from Wal Mart and
Somebody “burned” me a CD with four songs on it that I play religiously

1. Rocky Top (Hell Yeah!)
2. Jeremiah was a Bullfrog, by Three Dogs in the Night
3. Love Shack, by some group named after a plane in the Air Force
4. Stand By your Man by the Queen of Country Music Tammy Wynette

And I went and bought me a CD with them Dogs a Barking all the Christmas songs!

Yawl came on down I’ll be looking for you!

Q: We have had one whole season under our belt with the “new” Coach of Tennessee.
So what do you think Hootie?
Gerald “Jerry” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I’ll tell you Jerry…
That Lame Kitten has done a pretty good job, I mean..
We ain’t won the State Championship of Tennessee in a long time…
And we is going to a Bowl game…Which we hadn’t done for a while neither.
But I believe that was due to Coach Phil’s sugar condition is why we ain’t gone to one
I heard flying makes it act up.

Q: Dear Mister Snitch
At the risk of requiring therapy perhaps you can answer a question
And settle a bet we have in the office.
What do you want for Christmas this year?
Holly – Platte City, Missouri

A: Well Hello Miss Lady! And thank you for asking
I want what I asked for last year and the year before that….
To meet a deaf mute supermodel that owns her own chain of liquor stores..

Hope Yawl all have a very Merry Christmas and Kick Ass New Year!

Yawl come see me at Snitch’s, autographs are Free for the Ladies!

Hootie – Out!

Since that Bama guy that writes this thing is in Tim Buck Two…
I am a gonna due the rewind article this week and answer some of yawls emails.
He sent me some notes and stuff, but I am fixing to get my “wing it on”.

Before we get into that yawl need to know that I have been celebrating…
The Vol’s winning the Tennessee State Championship!
I know what you is a thinking too.
They ain’t played Vanderbilt yet….
Well don’t you worry about that we is gonna beat the doors off them Commodores.
Get it?

But just so’s you know, even though I’ve been celebrating….I ain’t drunk.
I don’t care what that police man said…

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE LAST WEEK

“Oregon played faster than we wanted them too be……”
Coach Pete Carroll of the University of Southern California

HOOTIE’S NOTE: No kidding Sherlock..
That’s about the dumbest damn thing I heard
since my cousin said he was going on eBay to find him a “good hammer”.
Elmer, if you is a reading this, they got a million of em at Home Depot, dumbass.

TEAM NEWS @ OTHER STUFF TOO

TENNESSEE: They way I see it….
The Volunteers ought to be the Number four team in the country…
Them Gators just barely got by us…
Then them cheating Crimson Tides barely got by us…
So, they way I figure it we IS the Number Four Team in the country and ought to be in the National Championship talking.
O Yeah, we is Tennessee State Champs too!

A-RABS: I don’t know why all them folks are worked up over that Mohammad fellow.
I went to Wal-Mart in Knoxville on Friday to get some more stuff for my restaurant “Snitch’s”
that is going to have a “Grand opening” in about a another week.
It’s going to straight up, awesome!
Anyway, I got off the subject…
This guy greeting people when you walked in, his name tag said “Mohammad”.
So’s I walk over to him and ask,“Why are folks blowing themselves up over you. Are you telling them to do it or something?”
Cause if he would have said “yes”, I was going to put a Baneberry country ass whopping on his ass.
But Mohammad said, “NO! I am good person, I am here legally, I am not a terrorist!”
Well it kind of sounded like that, cause he didn’t speak very good American.
So, what ever you crazy ass A-Rabs are doing you need to cut that crap out…
Cause I talked to Mohammad and he didn’t know a damn thing about it.

PHIL FULMER: There ain’t goin to be No Criticism of the Great Coach Phil when I run the article.
He is like a majestic Walrus, except bigger and with a crown and wings.
That’s how I picture him, so you won’t read nothing negative here about Coach Phil.

TEXAS: I thought the Wizard guy was crazy as hell when he picked yawl to play in the National Championship game..
But it looks like it just might happen.

VETERANS DAY: Now I ain’t never been in combat per say, but I have been married twice, which should count for something,…
and I ain’t never been in the military but I was in Webelos, so I had me a uniform.
But I got to thank all the veterans everywhere for kicking ass and taking names and keeping us free.

ALABAMA: It’s still ain’t right yawl got a guy on the defense that is bigger than three of our boys…
and that’s the last time I’m going to say anything about it.

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, the football Wizard fellow wanted me to apologize that he missed your game over them California people. But, I would have picked yawl, if it would have been me, cause I love me some Beavers.

NEBRASKA: I don’t know how the hell them Cornhuskers beat them Sooner’s but I am betting they is still celebrating down in Lincoln.

OHIO STATE: I don’t know who woke them Buckeyes up, but they are tougher than my momma’s pan fried steak.

FLORIDA STATE: I don’t want to say Coach Bobby is getting old, but he was coaching at Florida State before it was a State.

MICHIGAN: The Wizard guy wanted me to say something about the Wolverines losing to Purdue at home for the first time since 1966, but I want to say something about that Michigan Coach’s wife.
That gal is uglier than homemade soap. I saw her on the Television last week, and my damn watch stopped.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are ranked the highest since 1956, hell fire I wasn’t even born then.

OREGON: So last week you beat them Trojans like a rented mule and this week you lost to team with a foam rubber tree mascot. What the hell is a going on up there?
Don’t nobody want to win yawls damn conference title?

NAVY: “Mister Wizard” didn’t pick yawl, which is stupid. I would have picked you to beat Notre Dame and I’ll tell you why.
The Navy has them SEALS and they are a bunch of bad asses, I know I seen the movie.
So of course they gonna beat some Leprechauns ass. That pick would have been easy for ole Hootie.

IOWA: I can’t believe yawl lost to a direction on the map, just another reason why the Vol’s ought to be ranked in front of them.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I got to agree with that Alabama Wizard guy, yawl should be on damn NCAA probation by now.
It’ don’t help that Coach Pete, rhymes with “Cheat”

EMAIL QUESTIONS @ ANSWERS WITH HOOTIE

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to convey to you and your informed readership of a recent development that arose after the annual “Not The World’s Largest Cocktail Party Anymore Due to Political Correctness” game between the Bulldogs from somewhere and the Grand and Glorious University of Florida Gators led by the Esteemed and World Reknowned Tim Tebow. There was a fairly inconspicuous incident that occurred on the field of play in which it was alleged that Brandon Spikes tried to poke an opposing players’ eye. As I said, “alleged.” Well, I must say that had there not been numerous replays by ESPN that no one would have ever noticed anything had happened. But, nooooooooooooo, ESPN gets a clip of a players hand from the Esteemed and Pre-eminent University of Florida entering the face mask of an opposing player and it is automatically assumed that Mr Brandon Spikes is up to no good. I can personally attest that after reviewing said play I feel that he was either trying to help adjust the opposing players contact lens or perhaps was wiping his nose, since, as you know, it is flu season.
After the media circus that was created by this obviously misinterpreted incident I recommended that Mr Spikes be suspended for the first half of the game with Vanderbilt. Soon after this announcement, for some reason, there was another uproar. Well, thank goodness that Mr Spikes saw the situation and suspended himself for the entire game. I hope this satisfies the bloodlust inspired by inferior rival schools due to the jealousy of the University of Florida being anointed as the SEC representative to the National Championship.
By the way, if you saw the illustrious Mr Spikes on the sideline of the Florida-Vandy game, he was clean shaven and no longer looks like a thug.
Thank you Mr Spikes for your assistance.
Mike Slive
President
Southeastern Conference

A: Mister President Slive that is how them damn Gators beat us Volunteers by a bunch of eye grabbing and God knows what else. Can you see fit, since you’re the President and all to give us that game since they was a cheating? Also, them Crimson Tides got a guy named after a Mountain that is bigger than a new Buick. That ain’t right neither.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been watching that Notre Dame team get beat all over the place by Navy. I mean, here’s a team with practically their own TV network, the sports outlets are always going ga-ga over them, and they’re getting beat by a service academy. Not being disrespectful to service academies, but, I mean, what the hell? I just think that they’re seriously overrated.
In fact, I think their name is about right. I don’t know what an “Ire” is, but they’re not good enough to be called a regulare “Ire”.
I think they’re just Ire-ish.
What do you think?
Timmy the Trojan, Los Angeles, California

A: I tell you what ole Hootie thinks….
You damn Trojan fans are always acting like yawl got your monkey chapped over one thing or another.
Bunch of damn cry babies is what I think…
But here’s something for your chapped monkey…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I was sittin here watchin Mr Mark May slobberin all over that cheatin Pete Carroll
after U$C Squeaked by Arizona State & I have a question.
Why does mark May wear glasses without any lenses in them?
I was just wondering cause you can see a reflection on the frame but not on any lenses.
Does he wear them like goggles in case Mr Lou Holtz slobber’s on him or is it cause he thinks wearing glasses that’s for decorations makes him look smart?
I really don’t think he’s very smart if you ask me.
I mean, he tried to make a big deal out of U$C squeaking by Notre Dumb even though they aren’t very good. What do you think?
Steve – Platte City, Missouri

A: That’s a damn fine question..
I am a guessing it’s because he wants to “look smart”.
Cause I will tell you, when Mark May starts making sense to you, it’s a sure sign that you’ve had too much to drink.

Q: You no take me serious!
Now Navy Beat Irish and that all we hear about!
I see Navy Goat mascot everywhere and it offend me and honorable family!
It even on Weather Channel!
I want NCAA to change Navy mascot, they change other schools because of offense!
I honorable business man and give you photo of my restaurant!
Send me NCAA address to change navy mascot!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I ain’t trying to tell you your business…..
But you couldn’t get somebody down South to eat in a place with name like that at gunpoint.
Kind of made me sick just looking at it..

Q: Who in the hell do you think you are?
You picked the Trojans to lose two games or “more” this year and they do, just like you picked Oklahoma to do the same.
You picked TCU and Boise State to be undefeated and they still are…
You picked Alabama and Florida to meet in Atlanta and they will…
You picked Texas to go to the National Championship game and it looks like they are on their way.
Just who do you think you are?
James – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I don’t know who he is neither…
But I heard that Wizard guy was part Secret agent and part Transformer.

Stay tuned cause I’m goin to have me an update on my “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s.

The Wizard says them picks will be out later in the week too.

Yawl have a good week now, you hear?

Hootie – Out!

It’s your ole Buddy and Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Freaking Planet..
Hootie Snitch!

Before I get to talking about my brand damn new restaurant…
I got to get something off my chest about that game with them hated Crimson Tides.

First thing….
Coach Lane was “right on” about them damn referees and not calling penalties about Alabama.
They should have called a damn penalty every play for having too many people on the defense side.
Just look at that Mount Cody!
He’s as big as three of our boys and that should count extra on the field, that’s all I’m saying…

Second thing….
That fella that writes this column ought not to be making fun of Coach Phil Fulmer.
He’s only like the greatest coach that has ever freaking lived!
And just for the record, he ain’t “Fat”, he’s got big bones.
Like the kind you find in a dinosaur….

Now let me tell you about my new restaurant, “Snitch’s” right here in Baneberry.

See, I named it after my last name so’s I won’t have me an infringement.
Like I done last time with them Hooter’s people.

If you was wondering how I got the money to get me another restaurant after that last fiasco….
Well let yawl in on a little secret.

I done and went and got me some of that “Stimulus” money.

I sure as hell did!

I sent the government this form and then this fellow called me and asked me some questions.
Like what? I knew you was a going to ask..

He says, “Have you been under some hardship the past couple of years?”

I says, “Hell yeah”. I said that cause as much as I hate to admit it Phil Fulmer had placed a hardship on all of us Volunteer fans by “working like heck” as he used to say and not getting anything done, I think it’s cause he had low blood sugar.

Then the man asked me, “Do I feel better about the way things are now?”
I said “Hell yeah I do.”
I said that cause Coach Lane ain’t keeping the thugs and trouble makers on the team and they are in every dang game.

Then he says, “So will this business benefit the community and promote the environment?” I tell him “You damn skippy it will!”
Cause let’s face it, I got the best possum wings and muskrat nuggets on the freaking planet! And you want environment? I have the best environment for a Tennessee Volunteer game day party anywhere around here.

So guess what happened then?
I got me a check in the mail!

I damn sure did!

So coming soon….

The Grand Opening of “Snitch’s” right here in beautiful Baneberry Tennessee is a coming soon!

Our motto is…
We put the “U” in “Fun”..catchy ain’t it?

It ain’t completely fixed up yet, but I am gett’n er done!

That’s my Momma (Rowena) I have been a telling you about in the picture, she’s a helping out too.
We is going to launch her campaign to get into the International Tow Truck Hall of Fame and Museum from here too.
Hell yes we are!

Yawl is all welcome to come on down and party with me and all the Volunteer fans
and if any of you ladies out there want your picture taken with me, it’s free.

Hootie – Out!

Well little did I know…
Cause I didn’t read the mail they sent me concerning the name of my restaurant.
It might have said something about “infringement” but that word sounded made up to me.

Anyways, where do you think the other Hooters is headquartered?
Go ahead and guess?
In Damn Florida!
So here I was in the midst of celebrating during the big game..
1st quarter I believe it was..
I mean we got Volunteer fans from all over Baneberry in the trailer..
Watching the game and hooting it up, if you know what I mean!

Then all of a sudden I hear this Beeping sound….
You know like a big ole truck makes when it’s backing up.
I figured since we put signs up on the truck route about the “Volunteer Victory Party” at HOOT-R’s
that we had some truckers pull in here for a cold one to watch the game.

Then every thing started happening slow motion like…
Everybody felt a bump in the trailer, you know like somebody done backed into it…
But what was really happening is them damn Gator Loving people from the other Hooter’s
Done hooked a eighteen wheel tractor to my damn restaurant and started to drive off with it!
I ain’t kidding neither, they done it!

Well as soon as that Truck pulled off the lot with my damn restaurant
Everybody went flying ass over tea kettle towards the back of the damn trailer!
Muskrat nuggets and Possum wings, beer you name it…
Was all flying around in there like something out of one of them Henry Potter Movies!

So while we was moving down the road…
And all us layed up in the back of the trailer in a big ole pile trying to untangle ourselves…
We heard this creaking noise, you know like right before something is a’gonna break.
Well right about then…
The ass end fell out of that trailer….
and we went scattering down the road in a heap of Muskrat BBQ sauce, Beer and God knows what else.
I tell you it was a hell of a damn mess!
Glad that ole boy wasn’t up to speed yet and we was all drunk as a bunch of skunks
or somebody could have gotten seriously hurt.

So there we was….
In a nasty ass mess, skint’ from head to toe and spread down the road..
Smelling like ass and wet cornflakes with me watching my restaurant drive off in the distance.
It wasn’t till we all got out of the emergency room that I heard the Volunteers lost the damn game.
Which makes me think this is one of them conspiracies.
So I am madder than a woodpecker at steel post convention…
The Volunteers done lost the game to them Gators…
My restaurant, or what’s left of it is probably passing through Macon Georgia about now.
Here’s a phone picture of my damn restaurant somebody sent me at the Flying J Truck Stop outside of Chattanooga.
Breaks my heart to see it…

And now I got a bunch of drunks wanting to sue me for “negligence” or something like that.

It sucks to be me about now, just wanted yawl to know.

GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

I am right here at my restaurant HOOT-R’s!
Located in a previously owned double wide trailer…
right off of Leadmine Road just outside of Baneberry Tennessee
Look for the lighted sign and come on in for the Biggest and Best
Tennessee Volunteer Victory party in the universe!

In case you is a living under a rock
This is the week of the Tennessee – Florida game.
And I am fixing to tell you Seven Big Old Reasons “Why”
The Tennessee Volunteers are going to whip them gators ass on Saturday.
Come on in and Let me break it down for you

ONE – The Volunteers orange color is more orange than them gators orange.
Their’s ain’t even real orange color best I can tell.
Now that we talking about it, what’s with them gators having blue with orange?
That don’t even match good.

TWO – Them gators got one, count it “One” mascot.
A damn old gator…..Big damn deal.
We Volunteers got a whole passel of mascots!
We got a student dressed up like a mountain man and he even has a rifle.
That is cool as hell!
We got us a real dog, that is some kind of blue tick hound
Which is awesome!
We got ourselves two students
That dress up like a female and a male dog in them foam rubber costumes.
Which is double-awesome!
Then we got us this ole boy in a foam rubber costume that looks like a orange!
“GO Big Orange!” Get it?

THREE – I don’t have a damn clue to what them gators fight song is about or what they doing with their arms a chomping.
But the Volunteers got us a “real” fight song!
It talks about laying around and drinking moonshine liquor and not paying no bills!
Now tell me that don’t sound like the life of Riley!

FOUR– Our quarterback is better than that damn old Tim Tebow.
Our Boy just ain’t won no awards cause he’s humble like that..
And wants the publicity on the team and not himself.

FIVE – Our Football Coach Lane Kiffin coached in the N-F-L, Ever heard of it?
In case you didn’t know that is PRO-FESSIONAL Football!
What has that Urban Myer done?
He Coached in some Pee-Wee league, big damn deal.
Also, I know for a damn fact
That Urban Myer wishes every single night he was coaching in Knoxville.
How do I know?
He come from Utah right?
When you send a picture postcard out that way what do you have to put down for the state? “UT”, I believe I done made my point.

SIX- We got us the best players in the damn country!
That’s why there ain’t nobody from Tennessee on the team!
Cause everybody from allover the country that is any good at football is coming to the Volunteeers!
What do them gators got? Some players from Florida, bigggggg deal.

SEVEN – Them gator fans ain’t sophisticated like we Vol fans is.
The closest them gator fans got to “culture” is when they walked by the yogart isle in Piggly Wiggly.
Thought that funny up by myself!

Now for Ole Hootie’s Predection:

VOLS 55
Gators 10

If you was a wondering why I didn’t pick the game as a shut out
It’s cause we got to play our scrubs sometime and them gators are lible to score on them once or twice

And don’t forget…
If you is in the neighborhood come on down to HOOT-R’s!
Enjoy the game with me and all the Volunterer Fans!
I got Possum Hot Wings and BBQ Muskrat Nuggets for everybody!
And as always something cold to wash it down with!
I will be dressed and ready? Will you?

GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

Sorry I haven’t written lately….
As you all know I am in the Musical production at Dollywood called….
“Who Let the Clogs Out…”

That show has taken off like a fresh bought Roman Candle!
I ain’t kiddin neither!
When I go down to the beauty parlor to get my mullet dyed, everybody knows my name!

But fame does have its draw backs…

You guessed it….
I done went and got me a stalker…
And let me tell you….

That gal is crazy as a June bug in a mayonnaise jar….

That’s her getting arrested….

So with all the attention….
I thought it best to say good-bye to the Peyton Manning Trailer Park and Casa Da Hootie…
And I moved into what they call a “gated” community….

It’s kind of exclusive….
It’s only for what they call “upscale Tennessee Vol Fans”…

Here is a picture from the brochure them people sent me from the gated community..
It’s nice ain’t it?

Ladies, if you ins is in the neighborhood feel free to stop by the new and improved Casa Da Hootie….
All except you know who, the judge told you to restrain yourself!

But that ain’t what I want to catch you up on right now…
I got a surprise for yawl!
I don’t know if yawl remembers….
But a sometime back I talked to them folks from McDonalds about an idea I had…
“The McMuskrat” sandwich…and the “McPossum” burger….

Well them smart ass people laughed me out of the room…
But it’s just like my momma always told us…
They laughed at the Righteous brothers too when they started out..
Then before you know it they was singing and flying everywhere…

So I got to thinking….
And Wham O!
It Hit Me!

So I went and rented me a previously owned single wide close to town and I am a opening…
You ready?
HOOT-R’s
Get it? It’s like that other place, but it uses my name too!

I am going to have the grand opening….
Just in time for the first Tennessee Volunteer football game on the season!
GO VOLS!

I am going to have the greatest football coach in the whole damn world there too!
You guessed it Coach Phil Fulmer!

Not really sure why Coach Phil is a eattin that Twinkie fellow…
But I am a guessing he must be hungry…
Anyway…

Guess who else is going to be at the Grand Opening?
Just for you men out there…
Last years Homecoming Queen from the University of Tennessee
Miss Claudette Strunk!
GO VOLS!
I even got a picture of her as we was setting up the restaurant…

She is hotter than a jalapeño pepper ain’t she?

I got everything you want for a Tennessee Volunteer Party!

By the way…No Gators allowed.

So come on down to HOOT-R’s…
Look for the sign next to the single wide just outside of Baneberry Tennessee on Leadmine Road…

Don’t be afraid to ask for my autograph…It’s free.

Hootie – Out!

In case any of yawl is just now a reading this, I am…
The Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

All of us Snitch’s and Ratt’s (on my momma’s side) is all Volunteer fans…
We drool Orange and White…
It’s True!
In fact I hear we is even related to Coach Phil Fulmer…
Cause everybody says he is a Ratt and a Snitch…

I live in the heart of Volunteer Country…
Right here in Baneberry Tennessee at Casa De Hootie in the Peyton Manning Trailer Park.

That Bama guy lets me a right on this site…
I recon cause he wants to keep this thing fair and balanced…

But I know what you is all a thinking…

Is Ole Hootie going to get a “big head” since he is a working at Dollywood?
I admit…
Being in the musical production of “Who Let the Clogs Out”…
Is like the biggest thing that ever happened around here….

But I ain’t changed a bit….
Except I did get new flame decals put on my Camaro….
It looks bad ass…

Before we talk some football and answer some mail, I need to get something off my chest

In case you ain’t heard…
My momma (Rowena Snitch) didn’t get selected again this year for introduction into The International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame in Chattanooga Tennessee.

I am so mad I could spit….

I am going to wear this shirt everyday until them folks on the selection committee come to their senses.

Except I am cutting the sleeves off…….
That will make it look bad ass…

If you want a cool shirt like mine for yourself….
Or say you’re a looking for a gift for that “special someone”…
Check out the link below and go to the Tow and Recovery Hall of Fame gift shop…
And tell them Hootie Snitch sent you….
Maybe a little free advertisement will make them change their minds about my momma….

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Now let’s answer some of yawls mail and talk some football!

HOOTIE MAIL

Q: Hootie; How do you think the University of Tennessee Volunteers will do this year?
Eddie – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: Two words for you Eddie: National Freaking Championship!

Q: It seems that the University of Tennessee’s Football team isn’t as popular nationally as it once was; do you think that has anything to do with the recent “sub-par” seasons they have experienced?
Tommy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: You couldn’t be any more wrong if you was a Gator fan…
The Volunteers are MORE popular than Ever!
How do I know….
I found out the state initials for Utah….
Is “UT”…….
So enough said….

Q: Hootie, despite professing a deep “love” for the University of Tennessee Volunteers, you clearly bring negative attention to our fan base by your nearly illiterate ramblings.
Could you refrain from providing “commentary” this season?
It sheds a negative light on our University and enforces negative stereotypes of our fan base. I doubt you ever attended the University of Tennessee at Knoxville.
Jerry – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: For your information smartass….
I graduted from the University of Tennessee with a degree in educasation….
You sound like a damn spy for the Florida Gators to me….
I got my eye on you…

Q: Hootie, is there any truth to the rumor that you have a twin brother?
Just wondering….
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi

A: It’s True…
You ladies out there….Beware!
My brother Horace “Horry” for short…
Is my Identical twin brother (Which means we look exactly a-like)
We even had matching t-shirts made to go out and party in…
On the front of both shirts it says…
“H20” as in “Hottie and Horry are in the in the house you better watch Out”.
We cut the sleeves off those shirts too…
And they are bad ass looking…

Horry is kind of famous in his own right….
In case you didn’t know he just won a Raisinette eating contest….
Even got a picture of him on his way to the finish line…

It’s like I am looking in a mirror…

Q: What is Coach Phil Fulmer doing now that he is “retired” from Coaching the University of Tennessee Volunteers?
Chip – Union, Tennessee

A: I heard he was acting in a local play, like a theater play…
Which just goes to show you how damn talented Coach Phil really is…
It’s “The Wizard of Oz”…
I believe Coach Phil is playing the part of “Kansas…”

Q: Hootie, where does an educated, sophisticated man like yourself meet members of the opposite sex?
Barry – Huntsville, Alabama

A: I got to be careful Barry, now that I am a celebrity and work at Dollywood….
I don’t won’t no gold digger getting my doublewide…
If you know what I mean…
So I joined me that website to meet girls…
It’s called “Disharmony Dot Com” it’s for people that have some “issues”….

Q: Hootie, since Coach Kiffin took over there haven’t been any arrests this year of Tennessee football players. What do you make of that?
Jay – Huntington, Tennessee

A: There are two ways to look at this Jay….
Either we ain’t gettin any more good players like Coach Fulmer..
Or..
The local police have finally learned to keep their damn mouths shut…

Q: Now that Chase Daniels has moved on to the NFL…
How do you think Missouri will do this year?
Jake – Platte City, Missouri

A: Missouri, that’s out west ain’t it?
Tell you the truth that word sounds made up to me…

More later on…
Come see “Who Let the Clogs Out” at Dollywood…

Hootie – Out!

It’s your old friend Hootie Snitch from Baneberry Tennessee!

In case you all done forgot I am the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan in the world!
Maybe even the unverse!

Before I tell yawl about my adventures, I got to get something off my chest.

I seen this local commercial here for the “Cell Phone King” and it made me made enough to spit!

We is a democarcy and we don’t have no “King”; unless it’s Elvis or Richard Petty.
That’s what we fought them Koreans about!
I think it is wrong as hell to have this man say he is our Cell Phone King…
So if this fella wants to be in charge of all the cell phones around here….
I say we have us an Election!
I ain’t opposed to having a Cell Phone President…

Speaking of elections, I need yawl to help my momma get in that International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame.

Holler at em and tell em Rowena Ratt Snitch, who is a loyal and devout Tennessee Volunteer Fan….
Needs to be in that there “Hall of Fame”!

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

(Cause all us Ratt’s and Snitch’s…
 Are Tennessee Volunteer Fans! Hell Yeah!)

 Now on to something most of yawl done already heard of….

I done got myself arrested…
Yep I done it….

What happened was I was a “just” a talking to the folks in charge of that voting for the Hall of Fame.
Well they got scared or something….
 Just cause I found out where they lived and visted em in person.
That’s about all I can tell you cause my lawyer said I ain’t allowed to say nothing more.

But I will say this….
Whatever you do…..
Don’t show up at somebody’s house with spot lights and mega phones at midnight…
The Police come to my house the very next day..
I know Yawl done seen the picture…

I know what yawl is a thinking…
What happened to my mullet?

I had to cut it off cause I done burned it up…
In that “Fireworks” incident at New Years…

But I am a betting….
You ladies are gettin all worked up…
 over a picture of me with my shirt off…..
Am I right?

Hootie – Out!

It’s me again; James “Hootie” Snitch from Baneberry Tennessee!

And I am….
The Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!

In case you hadn’t heard..
I had me a hell of a time last weekend in Athens Georgia…

To begin with…

Them cheatin damn Bulldogs beat my Vols…
I know you is a thinking…
How do Hootie know they cheated?

Cause the Dawgs won!
Can’t nobody Beat Coach Fulmer and the Vols unless they Cheat!

Then to make matters worse…

I done got myself arrested in Georgia…

Yep I done it…
Got out yesterday morning…

I got picked up for what they call “Solicitation”…

But I got what you call “Baited”…

My lawyer says he thinks he can get me out of it because like he says…
“it ain’t right to put something like that right in front of a Tennessee Fan and not think he is a going to jump on it..”

I have a picture of the gal I propositioned…

I think yawl will agree, there is NO WAY me or any other orange blooded Tennessee Vol male could have resisted such charms!

Thanks for understanding!

Hootie – Out!

It’s Hootie Snitch the Number One Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
Fact is ALL us Snitch’s are Vol Fans!

Go Big Orange!

Anyway…

As yawl know it’s Tennessee – Florida week…
And that means those damn gator fans are ALL over Knoxville…

But that ain’t the real problem here…

Last Night I took Momma Snitch and my Brother down to “The International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum” for a Vol-Gator show of solidarity at the “Wall of Remembrance”.

You know why we done it, right?…
To show everybody that we can all get along and to show support for all the folks in the Towing Industry in both states that have done so much for our freedom….

Truth is, we still hate their damn guts…
But we done it for Momma, cause we started one of them on-line petitions to get Momma (Rowenna Ratt-Snitch) into that Hall of Fame next year and we need all the help we can get.

Getting her into that hall of fame is prestigious….

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Anyway…..

So we get back to the Peyton Manning trailer park late last night and guess what?

Some damn gator fan done broke into Momma’s trailer and stole her Brand “New” Dentures!

That is low down…I don’t care who you are!

No wonder we Vol’s hate you all so much!

Got a picture of her dentures right here that I took for insurance purposes.

If ANY Body Knows ANYthing about this robbery, give me a call at the Casa De Hootie at the Peyton Manning Trailer Park here in Baneberry Tennessee!

There is a reward!

Hootie – Out!

It’s me James “Hootie” Snitch the Number One Tennesse Vol Fan on the Planet!

In case you all was wondering that fellow that rights this thing, let’s me right in it too.

Just so’s it will be fair and balanced.

So let me go ahead and answer what I know you all are thinking…

Tennessee lost last weekend: It Don’t matter and the game don’t count.
Why? Cause the game wasn’t in our conference and it was on the west coast, which means…
That was in a whole nother time zone.
So’s it don’t count.

Coach Phil Fulmer didn’t look like himself on the sidelines: Well you wouldn’t look good neither if you was used to a 24 hour Krispy Kreme dognuts!
How do you think Coach Phil was suppose to think on only 24 thousand calories a day?
That man was week I tell you!

If you was wondering if Hootie is excited about this weekend, then you would be right as rain!

This Saturday the Tennessee Volunteers will be in Neyland Stadium for the Home Opener!

Not just the “Home Opener” neither…
The FIRST home opener of the 2008 College Football season with the “NEW” Luxury Boxes in Neyland Stadium!

I am extra excited cause I just happened to have a few “connections” being the “Number One Vol Fan on the Planet”..
And I done got “permission” to use one of the luxury boxes on Saturday!
Before You-uns even ask: Hell Yeah, I am bringing all the Snitch’s and Ratt’s in the family!

Everybody going to be using the luxury box this Saturday for the game!

If yawl ain’t seen the “New” Luxury Boxes at Tennessee: I got a picture for you.

It’s AWESOME as Hell Ain’t it?
Saturday can’t get here soon enough for me…
I can hardly wait to set down in one of them…

Before I forget….

If you was wondering how I know’d what you was a thinking about the Tennessee game…
That’s easy….
Momma Snitch just got ESPN2 on the Satelitte dish…
I swear, when that channel is on…
I can read minds…
It’s like magic.

Hootie – Out!

I am a filling in for what’s his name while he is in Jerk-a-damn-Stan or whatever it’s called; I believe that’s in Arkansas. But never mind that.

As most of you know by now I got myself arrested at the South Carolina Cooter Festival, but before any of you start jumping to conclusions, let me tell you: It wasn’t my damn fault.

I was a feeling no pain walking over to see the Miss Cooter Queen and a Highway Patrolman stopped me and asked why I was Hooping and Hollering.

I told him that I was the Greatest Tennessee Vol fan on the planet and that Vols was Number Damn One!

That Patrolman asked me if I wanted a “Wood Shampoo”?

Well, I thought that he was a giving away samples, so I said; “Hell Yeah!”

Next thing I know I wake up in the Spartanburg Jail with a punk knot on my head big enough to hang a hat on.

NOTE TO SELF: Don’t be a smartass with a South Carolina Highway Patrolman.

Yawl just hang in there, I will have some College Football updates for you real soon!

Hootie! – Out!

I know you’re a thinking that I am supposed to right something tomorrow, it being Friday and all.
Before you ask I ain’t a bit superstitious about righting on Friday the 13th!
But after that flu bug or whatever done jumped on the website a few weeks ago, I ain’t taken no chances!

Tell you the truth I never knew a damn machine could catch the flu, did you?

Before I get going on this weeks email questions and answers I just got to comment on that picture of young Phil Fulmer Junior I seen in this column a week or so ago.
He’s a good looking boy ain’t he?
You can sure see the donut didn’t fall very far from the box there!
He looks just like Coach Fulmer!

Now that we done got that out of the way let’s get to what I like to call: “Keep’n It Real with Hootie Snitch”
That is catchy as hell ain’t it?

Q: Hootie, you wrote some time ago that you didn’t know “Victoria’s Secret” but did know Earlene’s Secret. Care to share with us what that might be?
Ken – Little Rock, Arkansas
A: She will whip your ass after she gets liquored up but around here that ain’t no secret.

Q: You are like so funny and everything! Like seriously! I really like get a kick out of reading your articles. Do you have an IM account?
Stephanie -Newport Beach, California
A: IM right here at the Ole Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee!

Q: Hootie we were wondering if you have invented anything else after the folks at McDonalds decided to pass on your McPossum and McMuskrat sandwich ideas?
Alex -Boone, North Carolina
A: Them folks at McDonalds wouldn’t know a good idea if it reached up and bit em, which that possum I brought for the “display” did to one of them McDonald’s folks.
I sure hope that fella’s stitches come out alright.
But to answer your question Alex, I invented something that is going to make me richer than Ernest Tubb!

Alex what does everybody need during the summertime? Sun Block, am I right?

Well I done invented some Sun Block that the pharmacist assistant down at the Wal-Mart here says must be a SF 4000! I ain’t really sure what the whole SF thing means, but I figured the higher it was the better it is! And it don’t get no higher than “Hooties Miracle Sun Block”!

I will let you in on a little secret Alex, what it actually is….plumber’s putty.
But it works like a damn charm and you can even mold it into a hat if you want too!
Hell, I am wearing a hat made out of it right now!

Q: Hootie, I think you are a “little off” on your latest rant concerning the reining National Champion LSU Tigers and Coach Les Miles. The headlines around the country that you referenced stated……

“DUE TO HIGH GAS PRICES AMERICA IS DRIVING LESS MILES THIS SUMMER”

This means that Americans will be driving LESS miles this summer, understand?
Eddie -Thibodaux, Louisiana
A: I know damn well what it said and you ain’t tricking me into driving your Coach no damn where!

Q: Hootie do you have any plans to see any movies while we wait for the start of the 2008 College Football Season?
Valerie – Stuttgart, Arkansas
A: I am still a waiting on another one of them Ernest movies to hit the screen, but until then I figure we will just watch the video of Uncle Todd’s colonoscopy again.
It’s kind of like watching “Journey to the Center of the Earth.”

Q: My question is this: What kind of team do you think the Chippewa’s will have this year and do you think a real contender will emerge from the Mid-American Conference this year?
Tom – Mount Pleasant, Michigan
A: You making this up? Because this sounds made up to me. I never heard of nothing you just said. What is a Chippewa anyway? Is that like a miniature groundhog?

Q: Do you have any opinions about Yale this year?
Reginald – New Haven, Connecticut
A: Well I yale all the damn time around here, especially when the phone don’t work or the satellite goes out during Jerry Springer.

Q: Hootie as a rabid Tennessee Fan what is the most amazing thing you have ever seen in Neyland Stadium?
Jimmy – Altus, Oklahoma
A: That’s an easy one Jimmy! I was at a game in Neyland stadium two years ago with my partner in crime Scooter Johnson. I don’t remember who we was playing but right before halftime ole Scooter was getting ready to sneeze and when he sneezed Scooter broke wind at the same time and I thought his damn head was going to pop off!

That was without a doubt the most amazing thing I ever seen!

Hootie – Out!

Like everybody else I seen on the news and in the papers last week something that just frosted my ass!

At first I couldn’t believe what I was a seeing and then I got together with some other Tennessee fans from the trailer park here and they seen it too!

Hell Fire! It’s on all the local and cable news stations! I even seen the headlines in the Baneberry Tennessee paper! We all seen it and are mad enough to spit!

I can’t believe the nerve of those LSU fans and in particular their damn football coach!

Everybody knows they won the National Championship this past year, but there ain’t no need for some kind of special treatment just cause you all won the title!

And the LSU football Coach is a damn millionare! Why in the hell does he think the rest of us are going to go out of our way and drive to God knows where and do someting for him!

Well I am a asking you all to join me and say we ain’t a going to do it!

You all know what headlines I am a talking about too!

DUE TO HIGH GAS PRICES….
AMERICA IS DRIVING LESS MILES THIS SUMMER

Well by GOD I ain’t driving him nowwhere!

Hootie – Out!

Before we get into this weeks emails, I guess yawl want me to tell you why I tried to do that laser eye surgery on my cousin Ronnie with one of them laser pointers.

Well, if you ain’t never seen my cousin Ronnie, let me tell you, that boy has got a head like a catfish. His eyes are on the side of his head and they just kind of move around all by themselves, if you know what I mean. Hell, he even has two little whiskers that hang from his lip like a catfish.

So, I figured why not get me one of them laser pointers and hook ole Ronnie up. Couldn’t hurt his looks none.

Anyway, it didn’t work out so well, as you all have heard by now.
But at least it didn’t start no fire like the time we tried to cure momma’s cataracts by sticking her head in the microwave.

I know you wanting some answers to your questions so let’s get to my mail or as I like to call this part “Keep’n it Real with Hootie Snitch” (Thought that up myself, catchy ain’t it?)

Q: Hootie, did you do anything special to celebrate Cinco de Mayo? Just wondering!
Maria – El Paso, Texas
A: What kind of question is that? Why would I celebrate something that means “Pass the Mayo”? Besides we are gettin all geared up for the Big Celebration; Johnny Majors Birthday is the 21st of May!

Q: Sorry to hear about your “accident” Hootie. Did you do anything “interesting” during your recuperation?
Stan – Athens, Georgia
A: Thanks, yeah I took myself a trip, but boy was I ever disappointed.
I heard about this thing in Arkansas called the “Toad Suck” festival, so I headed off down there last weekend, thinking; get myself a t-shirt, suck on a toad or two to catch a buzz, then weave my way back to Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee. Wrong.

They didn’t have no Toad Sucking or nothing; it’s a family thing, which kind of ruled out what I had planned. I ain’t kidding neither, see for yourself, their site is right here.
http://www.toadsuck.org/

Q: I have a question for you that I hope you can answer. Tennessee Quarterback Jonathan Crompton recently completed spring training but required extensive elbow surgery following the Orange and White Game. Will he be ready in time to start the season?
Stephen – Cookeville, Tennessee
A: You come to the right place; Nobody knows more about the Vols than Me! I have on good authority that the surgery you was talking about didn’t have nothing to do with his elbow.
I will let you all in on a little secret, you ready? Coach Phil had Jonathan’s throwing arm extended another 12 inches or so and they put an extra thumb on his hand too!
I hear that boy will be able to throw the football a damn MILE!

Q: Dear Sir, some of my classmates and I are planning to make the “road trip” from Northern Illinois University next year on October 4th to watch the Huskies play the Volunteers of Tennessee.
We want to do some cool things while we are in Knoxville and have looked up a number of things online and are wondering if you could answer a question for us.
What happens at a “Tennessee Ho Down”?
Jake – DeKalb, Illinois
A: Some smartass calls 911, the police show up and some innocent man goes to jail.

Q: This question is for Hootie. Will you please explain for me and the other readers how you are related to Coach Phil Fulmer at the University of Tennessee? Thanks.
Gary – Nashville, Tennessee
A: Be glad to Gary. My Daddy’s last name is Snitch, as you probably figured out on your own. My Momma’s last name before she married my daddy was Ratt; like the GREATEST Rock Band that ever lived! Ratt Rocks! So anyway, everybody says that Coach Fulmer is a “Snitch and a Ratt”, at least thats what we heard. So, we is proud that he is our kin, cause every Snitch and Ratt I know are Tennessee Vol fans, thru and thru! Hell Yeah!

Q: You sir sound like an illiterate Neanderthal with your insistant ramblings. I don’t know how you got past the third grade?
Brenda – Gainesville, Florida
A: You damn Gator fans don’t know nothing! You are way off on both counts! For your information I am a Baptist and I got myself a degree in educashon from the University of Tennessee.

Some of yawl have asked who I am supporting in the big political race this year.
I believe the choice is simple.
I am throwing all my support behind the only person qualified for the job.
There is only one choice for Sheriff of Knox County for me!

Hootie – Out!

I even used my “ace in the hole”: The McMuskrat Sandwich (Come up with that one myself too!)
One of them McDonald’s guys told me that when I said it, it sounded like I had a stutter, so they said “No” to that idea too.
Believe that?
I couldn’t either, so I told them that I thought they were full of McCrap and they could kiss my McButt and I left.

Then come to find out that damn gopher up north lied about the weather, cause it got cold as hell this weekend.
You can’t tell the weather by watching some damn gopher!
Shows you what gophers and yankees know!
But I will tell you a secret, if you ask a squirrel anything after you eat some wild mushrooms, they will tell you a thing or two.

Let’s get to them Questions this week!
What’s his name will be back later in the week with reports from Spring Football games from around the country.

Q: Hootie, just where exactly is Casa Da Hootie?
Earlene – Baneberry, Tennessee
A: Earlene you know damn well where it is! I don’t want to be on “another” episode of “Cops” so you need to honor that restraining order and stay the hell away from me! Plus, I am still mad as hell you broke my Dale Earnhardt commemorative clock!

Q: Mike, what do you think Coach Rodriguez will be able to do with Michigan this year?
Troy – Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Ain’t he that Coach whose wife looks like a hooker?

Q: Mike, with Chase Daniels coming back for another year, do you think the Missouri Tigers have a shot at the Big 12 Championship?
Tommy – Jefferson City, Missouri
A: If you had a been a reading the column Tommy you would have a known that What’s his Name is still off a fishing in Hiatus Louisiana. But to answer your question, I believe your Cinderella done lost her shoes and she ain’t going to no big dance this year.

Q: Mike, will the Mountaineers of West Virginia build upon last years Bowl victory and contend for the Big East Title? What do you think?
Terry – Morgantown, West Virginia
A: Didn’t yawl use to have that Coach whose wife looks like a hooker?

Q: Mr. Hootie, you are doing an admirable job in place of our “Favorite College Football Prognosticator”, will you continue to make a weekly post once he returns?
George – Fort Walton Beach. Florida
A: I wasn’t in the navy, but thanks for thinking I was an admiral! I will be back next week after some surgery.
I am going to give my cousin Ronnie that laser eye surgey later this week with one of them laser pointers.
I’ll let you all know how it turns out.

More Later!

Hootie – Out!

Q: Hootie, I really enjoyed your update last week!
Is there anyway we can see a picture of you? Are you on “My Space”?
Delores – Oneida, Tennessee
A: I ain’t never been in space, but I have been struck by lightning twice.

Q: Mike, I am representative of a rather large contingent of your Tennessee fans that enjoy your humor and unlike “Mr. Hootie”, can spell and use proper grammar. So with that being said, let me ask you a football question. With nearly a dozen arrests or off the field incidents taking place the past four months at Tennessee, when do you think Coach Fulmer will get a handle on the discipline issue?
Thomas – Nashville, Tennessee
A: Well, Mr. “Spell Good” if you would have been a reading right, you would know that “what’s his name” is off fishing in Hiatus Louisiana and I am answering the questions this week.
So, to answer your question there ain’t no problem with discipline at Tennessee!
Coach Fulmer and discipline go together like pizza and peanut butter.

Q: Hootie, other than filling in for “Our Favorite College Football Pronosticator” are you involved in anything else that we should be aware of?
Donna – Holly Springs, Mississippi
A: Donna, I am what you would call an “Idea Man”. I have come up with one hell of an idea that I will be talking with the MacDonalds folks about next week. You ready for this?
How does the McPossum Sandwich grab you?

Q: Dear sir, once again I implore you to include the Ivy League in your weekly pronostications this season. The Ivy League has one of the proudest traditions in all of collegiate athletics and might I add, the greatest history of compliance with the rules and regulations of amateur athletics set forth by the NCAA.
So, I ask you to please reconsider.
Skip – Cambridge, Massachusetts
A: I didn’t understand a damn thing you wrote.
But I do know that smart ass rich yankee kids don’t know a damn thing about football.

More Later on this week!

Hootie…Out!

I have been getting a lot of attention from a righting in the football column last year and so I want to answer some of my female admirer’s questions this week.
This week is for all you Ladies out there….

To get write to it and answer some of yawl’s questions:
Yes, I am single and do own my very own previously owned doublewide trailer, even got me an above ground swimming pool. I am parked right here in the Big Orange Trailer Park in Baneberry Tennessee.
Pretty Sweet, huh?

To answer the Ladies other questions about myself…..
I am no diffrent than any other Tennessee Vol fan, except of course I am the Number damn One Fan and as the ladies in the trailer park point out to me on a daily bases, I am hotter than a stolen pistol.
I like long walks in the woods, particularly if it involves a snipe hunt….I ain’t caught a snipe yet, but I hear they is good eat’n.
I don’t see nothing wrong with cleaning your toenails in public.
I don’t know what Victoria’s Secret is…But I do know what Earlene’s Secret is and I ain’t tell’n.
I hate people that think wrestlin is fake – cause it ain’t.
I like women that have at least two teeth, preferably in the front. Cause it’s easier to open a beer when they are in the front.
I believe that liquor tastes better if it’s been strained through a car radiator.
My favorite colors are Orange and ORANGE! Hell Yeah!
I don’t believe that Community Service is anything to be ashamed of……
I like a woman that can play Rocky Top with her arm pit. That is just plain sexy.
I believe Coach Fulmer is like Moses, only heavier.
Women with mullets are just classy looking.
I don’t care what the damn police say, I believe that it’s O.K. to shoot a gun off in your own house when those damn cheat’n Gators beat the Vols or anytime somebody mentions anything to do with Alabama.
That includes the damn country music group too.

My favorite vacation place is The International Tow Truck and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum in Chattanooga Tennessee. The gift shop is freaking awesome!
Check it out!
http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org

Some of you ladies have asked if my cousin Ronnie is on “The Wall of the Fallen” at the Tow Truck and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.
Hell NO! Ronnie don’t even drive a tow truck! We was down there at the gift shop before Christmas and Ronnie was all liquored up (As Usual) and screwed around and got the back of his britches hung on the tow hook statue at the Wall of the Fallen.
I never seen such a wedgee in my damn life!
By the time we got him down his drawers were big enough to be a car cover.

If you ladies have any more questions, you can right me here, at least until what’s his name gets back from fishing in Hiatus or just come on by the Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry, where it’s always Party Time!

GO VOLS!