I ask you….
Who got treats and who got tricked this weekend?

The Homers of Indiana certainly got “tricked” into believing a two touchdown lead was enough to beat the Iowa Hawkeyes.

And the South Carolina Gamecocks had more than enough “Butterfingers” to start the game in Knoxville, which counted as a tasty “treat” for the Volunteers.

But perhaps the best treat of all was watching the Trojans get the hell quacked of them.

Let’s take a look back at the Halloween games and answer a few of your emails….

Don’t be afraid, there’s nothing to be scared of…

TEAM NEWS

PENN STATE: In an effort to eliminate any reference to a “cross”, the “six” students that protested the recent student T-shirt promoting the Lion football team, will ceremoniously burn all Christopher Cross records on the Happy Valley campus.

TENNESSEE: I had a feeling the Volunteers were going to have a “uniform” change…
My Gay-Dar was going off before kickoff…

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, the black jerseys look stupid, just so you know.

GEORGIA: See “Tennessee” above and substitute “Helmets” for jerseys.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, I finally got one right…..

ILLINOIS: What was I thinking going against the “Fighting Pumpkins” on Halloween?

NORTH ALABAMA: The Lions of Florence are for real this year….
Is another National Championship in their future? I sure hope so…

VIRGINIA TECH: It’s getting close to Thanksgiving..
So you Turkeys better get it together or you your season is going to be cooked.

AUBURN: Didn’t I tell you the Tigers would beat Ole Miss? Who loves you?

WEST VIRGINIA: Come on Mountaineers, there are people in Morgantown with couches that need to be burned.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You got quacked!

TEXAS: I don’t think the “Prairie Wind” touched any of the Mighty Longhorns on Saturday Night.
The questions, can anybody else touch them before the Big 12 Championship game?

EDITORS NOTE: The above was in no way a reference to MC Hammer, so you can’t touch this..

OREGON: Quack Attack, indeed. Congratulations.

LSU: For my Mighty Tiger fans in honor of Halloween….

Click here to view the embedded video.

CHATTANOOGA: Nice win Moccasins, very nice win.

MICHIGAN: It was erroneously reported that Coach Rod’s wife was dressed as a “witch” on Halloween
for the wolverine game with Illinois. This is incorrect and hurtful.
She was dressed as herself, she just looks and acts like a witch, there’s a difference.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I guess the Bulldogs did tree the Cats, sorry I doubted you Bully.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Pete, you want a quacker? HAAAAAAAAAA!

NCAA: Now that your media sweethearts won’t be eligible for the National Championship…
You think we might find out what the status is on that big “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear sir
I have been really angered by the obviously biased calls for the best coach that ever lived, Bobby Bowden, to retire.
I watched the entire GREAT triumph over NC State today and I am certain that Coach Bowden acts like a coach better than anyone around.
Did you see him waive his hands and point? Just like a normal coach would do.
Did you see him get excited and break into a little bit of a geezer trot when he was trying to get Damotok’s attention?
Joe Pa’s not even that fast.
Now I will give you the fact that he did look a little disoriented when he walked out on the field for the post game handshake but, hey, he knew he was supposed to do something when the final gun sounded!! So, leave my Coach alone all you naysayers!
Solomon in Sopchopee

A: Bobby is so old he remembers when being “disoriented” meant you got lost in Tokyo.

Q: Dear Sir,
There’s been all kind of stories going around but one has left me scratching my head.
Is it true that my beloved Dawgs had a couple of drives stall yesterday because our quarterback, Joe Cox, has a revoked license?
Just wondering
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: The Cocktail Party’s over Lemuel, back away from the alcohol.

Q: Dear Sir,
I just want to let you know that my Georgia State Panthers kick off their inaugural season next year!!! Our head coach, Bill Curry, is cooking up something extra special cause our first game is against those Alabama Crimson Tide boys!!!
I’m looking for a big win there and maybe an undefeated season!!
Then its National Championship time!!!
Only 309 days til kickoff!
Albert in Alpharetta

A: Does the term “Beat Down of a Lifetime” mean anything to you Albert?

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
This week while we’ve been practicing I’ve been seeing all these pictures all over the place. In the locker room, in the weight room, heck, even in the bathroom stalls there are pictures of Florida beating us, pictures of the scoreboard of the 49-10 beat down we took, and even Urban Myers calling timeout. So, I’ve just got this to say.
I’m convinced. In fact I’m so convinced that I’ve called Gainesville and talked to them about transferring. Heck, Tebow leaves this year and they’ll need a new quarterback next year. Do you think that I’ve got any eligibility left if I leave now?
Thanks
Joe Cox

A: It’s over Joe, just let it go…..

Q: Mike, I hate to ask…
But what costume did Hootie Snitch wear on Halloween this year?
Chip – Pensacola, Florida

A: I didn’t see it Chip….
But I was told it looked like a unicorn wearing a gimp mask….
Sorry for the visual.

Q: As commissioner of the Southeastern Conference, I would appreciate if you would publish this letter on your popular website:
To all,
I would just like to thank you for making this one of the most exciting football seasons in recent Florida Gator history. We here at the SEC, in an attempt to maintain our superiority over other conferences in the country, would just like to fill you in on our exciting new policy. Our intent is to make sure we have a premier team represent the SEC, and YOU the fan, in the Championship game every year. What with Tim Tebow being the media darling that he is, we felt it necessary to give him an appropriate show of love for his Senior season. With that being said, please stop raising such a fuss on the questionable calls made by our officiating crews during games with Florida. It’s all a grand plan from which every deserving SEC school will receive their shot at a National Championship. Our plan is to get Alabama to the table next year, and if their offense continues to improve, we’ll get LSU back in 2011. Afterward, we’ll look at the remaining schools who have not represented our fair conference in the National Championship game for future consideration. Well, all but Georgia, Vandy, and Mississippi State. They’re going nowhere fast.
Best wishes,
Mike Slive
Commissioner
Southeastern Conference
P.S. Tell Lane Kiffin that he’d better keep his mouth shut or the only post season bowl they’ll be playing in is the Igloo Bowl in Anchorage Alaska. And we’ll put it on Pay Per View

A: Ouch…..

Q: Mr Wizard,
I’m really pumped about my Tennessee Volunteers football team this year. We have had a great season so far. We almost beat Florida a couple of weeks ago.
We REEEEEEEEEEEEEEAlly almost beat Alabama last week.
We beat South Carolina and that smartass Coach Genius and I’m very, very excited.
But with the way our team is playing I feel real good about our chances.
Mr. Wizard how bad do you think we might almost beat the rest of the teams on our schedule this year?
Go Vols!!!
Minday in Memphis

A: I think you will “almost” win the remainder of your games this year…

Q: Dear Sir,
Hey there Mr Smarty Pants. All you Bamer folks thought you pulled a fast one on me when you THOUGHT you cut off the sound to my headset on Saturday. Shows how smart ya’ll are. I was listening to the entire compilation of the Barney the Dinosaur tunes on my cassett deck I had stuffed in my pocket. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
My daddy was the only one you messed up and he only coaches the defense, and that’s really not that important.
So keep trying CHEATERS!!
Like I said after the game, we’re gonna beat you next year!!!
Or the year after. Or the year after that.
I love you, you love me!!
We’ll beat you in 2023!!!
Go Vols!!!
Lane Kiffin

A: See you in OBknoxville next year Jackass….

Have a great week folks….
Your Week 10 Picks will be out later in the week..
So stay tuned..

RTR
MEB

Although we are in the period between spring football and the kickoff of our beloved 2009 college football season, there is still a lot to discuss.

But you wouldn’t know it by watching the major sports networks…
That’s why I am here…

There is No NBA here….
Where “one second” constitutes a minute…

EDITORS NOTE: I still believe…
If the folks that run the NBA would have been in charge of WW II..
We would still be fighting the Germans and the Japanese.

No references to Hockey in this column…

EDITORS NOTE: I recognize this is considered a “sport” in some parts of the country, however I am from South Alabama and we do not recognize any winter sports as legitimate “sports”.
I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.

No mention of Soccer….

EDITORS NOTE: Please no hate mail on this subject…
You know how I feel…
If “French-men” can play it…
Then it’s not a “real” sport…
Sorry…

Not the slightest reference to Billiards…

EDITORS NOTE: They call this a “sport”?
What’s next, a “Rock-Paper-Scissors” Tournament?

Classic Celebrity Poker…

EDITORS NOTE: Please see “Billiards” above

No my loyal readers..
Such things will not be discussed here…

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has all the news and your email questions and answers to keep you occupied and informed until the kickoff of the 2009 college football season.

Which in case you were wondering…
Is only 98 days away…

Enjoy your Update!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

NEBRASKA: Cornhusker Athletic Director, former congressman, and Legendary Coach Tom Osborne recently proposed to resurrect  a rule that was once a staple of the Big 8 and other major football conferences.

Holding college football referees accountable to a standard…
And punishing them for poor performance..
What a novel approach, wouldn’t you say?

EDITORS NOTE: GO Get Em TOM!

MINNESOTA: This season the University of Minnesota has decided to bend to the will of PETA.

The administration agreed with PETA that “some people” might feel that “Golden Gophers” was in reference to burned or abused rodents.

So, after much deliberation the new nickname for the University of Minnesota will be:
“The Tasty Hamsters”

GEORGIA: It seems there is a disturbance in Dawg Country…
Why is there a discussion about moving the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party?
It belongs in Jacksonville..Period
I have at least one loyal reader that will weigh in on the subject later..

FLORIDA STATE: The NCAA will soon issue their ruling if Coach Bobby and the Seminoles can keep their “12″ wins after some of the players committed academic shenanigans.

Really?

Yet we are still waiting on the “Big Investigation” on Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California?

I wonder what the idiots from the NCAA…
Would do “IF”…
The Seminoles told them to go pound sand…..
And just for the record, I would support that decision…

NCAA: I have an Idea…
Why not put Coach Tom Osborne in charge of the NCAA?

EDITORS NOTE: NCAA; If you’re scared say you’re scared…

OREGON: What’s his name who played quarterback for the Ducks last year in some bowl game that nobody cares about has decided to leave Oregon since he will not be the starter at the beginning of the 2009 season.

EDITORS NOTE: Who says I can’t report anything  about PAC 10 Football?

MICHIGAN: Coach Rod says he will name the Wolverine starting quarterback for the 2009 season in the next couple of months.

Just as soon as he remembers his name…

OLE MISS: Rebel football player Jerrell Powe made the statement to police after they were called concerning a noise complaint against him that, “he couldn’t read”…

Coach Houston Nutt had this to say concerning his statement;
“Of course he can read how do you think he’s getting through college?”
“Now he just needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut…”

EDITORS NOTE: This is like shooting fish in a barrel…
So, I will refrain from commenting..
For now…

EVERGREEN STATE: The Geoducks mascot “Speedy” still looks like a foam rubber turd with legs..

Or Worse…
See for yourself….

http://www.evergreen.edu/athletics/geoduck.htm

MIAMI: Another snot nose pampered athlete that didn’t feel he was getting enough playing time left the Hurricanes this week for Purdue…

What ever happened to getting a college education?
Good riddance…Cry Baby

ARIZONA STATE: Here we go again…
John Elway’s little boy isn’t getting enough playing time for the Sun Devils..
So he is leaving the team in search of someone that will kiss his pampered behind..
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out…

TENNESSEE: Once again Lane Kiffin has demonstrated that he has a place in the circus as a contortionist after his coaching career ends, which may be sooner than later..

By contunually placing his foot in his mouth while putting his head up his posterior.
In no particualr order:
1. Accusing the Defending National Champion Gator’s Coach Urban Myer of violating NCAA recruiting rules..
2. Called a potential recruits family “a bunch of losers” because their son honored his commitment to another university..
3. Stated on a website that the above recruit “would end up pumping gas for a living….”
4. Stated on a university website that the people in one Florida town were backward and ignorant and couldn’t understand how to work a fax machine..
5. Stated on a university website that the high school where the prospective  recruit attended in the above Florida town, “was full of obnoxious Gator fans that are stupid and ignorant…”
6. Committed a number of secondary recruiting violations…
7. Most recently Lane stated that “he had respect for coaches in the SEC….
After all, three of them have won National Championships…”
EDITORS NOTE: That must be “Math for Vols”…
 Because Last time I checked it was FOUR..
Saban – Myer – Miles – Spurrier
8. But the very Best Coach Lane comment…
Can be found at this very moment….
On the wall of the Mighty Gator locker room…

EDITORS NOTE: Let me know how that works out for you dumbass…

SOUTH CAROLINA: At the recent Southeastern Conference Coaches Conference in Destin Florida..
Coach Steve Spurrier once again demonstrated that he is the master of physiological warfare..
By making Tennessee’s Lane Kiffin’s head pop off in the lobby of the hotel..
Read all about it here….
http://blog.al.com/solomon/2009/05/spurrier_confronts_kiffin.html

EDITORS NOTE: Let’s be real clear here…
Coach Steve forgot more about football than Lane Kiffin will ever know…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?

NCAA Part II: Next Week…
As Promised…
The “Seven Questions” segment returns..
With none other..
Than the “not so” benevolent Dictator of the NCAA..
Miles Brand…

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Aight. I’ve got the solution to your problem. The UGA-UF game should be moved to Fitzgerald.
Geographically, it’s roughly halfway between Athens & Gainsville.
It’s got a good sized high school field. If golf is what you like then there’s a nice municipal course.
If you want some high falutin’ eateries then take a short drive over to Tifton.
They’ve even got the Fire Engine Museum for entertainment.
Weather? Well, it’ll still be warmer for the Dogs, but the fine folks down there…
Have volunteered to put air conditioners on the Georgia sideline.

Maybe the Georgia backers who want the game moved are Democrats..
Change is in the air after all..right?
Or maybe Flarda’s just in their heads.
What do you think about it?
Hank – Perry County, Georgia

A: You expect us to take this seriously?
When….
You never even said how many people the stadium seated?
Or…
How much they charge to play golf at the city course…
Come on Hank!

Q: Dear Mister College Football man -
I am madder’n a hornet right now.
I just read your article ’bout the Southern California Trojans..
And I wanna go out there an whomp somebody in the head with a co-cola bottle!
You know, I don’t always like what you say about my beloved Bulldawgs and such..
But we’s family cause we all play in the SEC..
But, when them smart-alecky writers from New York City and Los Angeles..
Start talkin ’bout SEC football all negative like..
Then it’s time to go to fist city.
Do you think you could put together a bus trip to go up there
and see them boys and maybe we can knock some sense into ‘em?
Let me know and I’ll be in the front seat!
Lemuel – Ludowici, Georgia

A: I like where your head is at on this one Lemuel..

Q: Mike how many NCAA “secondary infractions” is Lane Kiffin going to get before he is punished?
How many infractions do you have to get before it means something?
Stephanie – Gainsville, Florida

A: Good question Stephanie..
As I understand the NCAA Rule on Secondary Infractions..
It goes something like this..
If a coach or university accumulates “10″ secondary infractions…
They will receive an “Official Warning”
After you get “5″ “Official Warnings”…
The coach or university will receive an “Official Admonishment”..
Once the coach or university has accumulated “3″ “Official Admonishments”..
Then it gets serious…
You will receive an “Official Shunning”…
“5″ of these bad boys and you get…
A stern look from NCAA President Miles Brand…

Q: What’s the deal with the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bu$h and $outhern California?
Give it to us straight!
Gary- New Iberia, Louisiana

A: It’s just this simple Gary…
The Reggie Bush case, which began “officially” nearly four years ago….
Is fast becoming the NCAA equivalent of O.J. Simpson’s search for the “real” killers..

Enough said…

Q: Mike will Coach Charlie turn Notre Dame around this year?
Thanks!
Sean – Gary, Indiana

A: Are you kidding me?
He couldn’t turn his self around in a forty acre field.

Q: Mike it is almost that time of the year again!
So I have to ask…
Will the Scarlett Knights of Rutgers return to rule the Big East this year?
Skip – Piscataway, New Jersey

A: Doesn’t really matter, because nobody cares…

Q: We enjoyed your last post on Martel Van Zant of Oklahoma State.
Where is he now?
Thanks!
Pete – Tulsa, Oklahoma

A: Thank you Pete..
After completing his degree….
Martel is giving Arena Football a try..
He is currently playing for the Manchester Wolves..
You can drop him a line here…
http://www.manchesterwolves.com/

Q: Dude why always banging on California?
What you got against us anyway?
Toby – Los Angeles, California

A: My Favorite Reason?
You all enjoy making fun of the way we talk in the South..
Yet..
Your Governor can’t speak english..
Priceless…

Q: What makes you think everything is “better” in the south?
Chip – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: There simply isn’t enough room here Chip..
To list all the reasons that are abundantly obvious to everyone…
So I will say this…
There isn’t a single soul in Dallas….
Or Huntsville…
Or Pensacola….
That will be celebrating tonight because…
They got a job in Detroit…
Enough said…

Q: Are you NUTS?
There is no such thing as “President of Texas”!
You are crazy as hell!
James – Indianapolis, Indiana

A: If you have a problem with my being President of Texas…
You can take it up with my Vice President..
Chuck Norris..

Q: Mike is Tennessee Coach Lane Kiffin just immature, stupid or is he just a complete dumbass?
Drew – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Yes…

Q: Sir, There is currently a rumor running rampant on the sports pages…
That one of my distinguished colleagues, Urban Myer, may be leaving the University of Florida..
To possibly take the head coaching job at Notre Dame.
It would be a shame that a fine man of his caliber would leave a fine institution like…
The University of Florida…
But…
He has noted that Notre Dame is his dream job…
Could you confirm as to whether there is any truth to this rumor?

Sincerely -
Mark Richt
Head Coach
University of Georgia

A: I smell a Georgia Tech fan behind this letter…

Enjoy your week…

RTR
MEB

Memorial Weekend is upon us…

For me this weekend is an enduring symbol of courage, heart and sacrifice.

So with that in mind I give you something to symbolize those qualities…

On the Football Field…

Click here to view the embedded video.

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank…
My Friends from Tyler Lee High School (Go Red Raiders)
In Beautiful Tyler Texas for this link..
And…
I don’t need to say this but…
Earl, No one has forgotten you my friend…

Have a Great Weekend…

We have a lot to discuss next week…
So, stay tuned..

RTR
MEB

However I have a question….
When Alabama recorded attendance for the spring scrimmage of almost ninety four thousand back in 2006, northeastern “sports writers” (I use that term loosley)…
Slammed the Alabama faithful by calling them….
“tobacco spitting hicks packing the stands waiting for the glory years of yesterday to return.”

Some of the “writers” went as far as to suggest that…
“southerners as a whole put too much emphasis on football”
Really?

So where are THOSE writers when proud Buckeyes filled the Big Horseshoe to capacity?
No where to be seen or heard….
You want to know why?

Because “they” don’t like us in the South….
and more specifically they despise the Southeastern Conference….

You think it ends there?
It doesn’t….
The most recent article on Fox Sports website with a link to the Trojan Loving “College Football News” opens with a picture of Alabama’s Coach Saban titled…
“Low Tide”….
We haven’t played a game in 2009…
Yet they title their article “Low Tide”?

They went on to “suggest” that the mighty Trojans of Southern California WILL be playing in the National Championship game next season….

But you want to know what else they failed to mention?

Not a word about the fact the “mighty” Trojans are starting a “new” quarterback or replacing a defense…
Or the fact they have a schedule that is softer than Charmine bathroom tissue…
Or play in a conference that produces competition that is about as stiff as a Twizzler…

But more importantly….

They didn’t mention a word about the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California.

The very same network that couldn’t wait for the NCAA Investigation before they pronounced Oklahoma “guilty” when two football players made “almost” nine thousand dollars over the summer at a local car dealership.

The same network that called the Alabama textbook investigation…
“A Scandal”

Yet a player from Southern California can have his family live in a 750K house rent free…
Accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars from a registered sports agent…

Or have a wide receiver from the University live in a $4500.00 a month apartment “rent free” for a year in a half…

Because “he didn’t know he had to pay rent…..”
And that’s all O.K. right?

The NCAA wants the Southern California case to go away and so do the networks.
Why?

Because it’s only us dirty tobbaco spitting Southerners that cheat…
That takes our football “too seriously..”

They hate us because of Tim Tebow..
Because of Hershel Walker…
The Wishbone..
Urban and Les…
Howards Rock…
And
Danny Ford…
And
Bo Jackson…
Nick
Mike the Tiger
And
The Bear…..

They hate us for our Character…
Because they have so little of it…

They hate us for our passion..
Because they don’t feel it…

They hate us for our Championships…
Because we are simply better than they are…

So if it’s alright with the fine folks from FOX Sports and the College Football News we will go ahead and play the games this year before they decide to give the trophy to Saint Pete’s Trojans.

But before I leave you this week…

Where is the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Speak up NCAA…
PAC 10 Conference…
ESPN…
FOX SPORTS….
College Football News….

We Southerners are a patient people…
When we aren’t spitting tobacco waiting for the glory days of yesteryear and taking our College Football too seriously.

But make no mistake..
We are waiting…

And before you ask…
No, I will not let this go…

RTR
MEB

As many of you may know….
There have been a lot of changes on the University of Tennessee campus since Lane Tiffin took over the Volunteer Football Program….

Running water…

In-door plumbing…

Electricity…

Shoes….

But prehaps the most striking change this year…
Will be the change to one (of the many) of the University of Tennessee’s Mascots.

That’s right, you heard it here first!
“Smokey” the blue tick hound….
Will be replaced with “something more recognizable” and with a “breed” more in tune with todays society.

Athletic Director Mike Hamilton and Coach Lane Tiffin are currently looking into the variety of options available.

In an effort to assist the University of Tennessee…
I have started my own on-line contest to assist them in their efforts.
Why?
Because I care….

The First entry comes from Gertrude Hobgoblin from Twisted Branch, Tennessee

“Hi my name is Gertrude Hobgoblin and I am 82 years old and I live in Twisted Branch Tennessee.
I think my poodle “Liberace” would make the perfect mascot for the Tennessee Vols!

Why just the other day we was a watching “Wheel of Fortune”
(Liberace just Loves Pat Sajak!)
There was this boy on there…
With a damn Florida Gator shirt on!

You know what Liberace done?
He hiked his leg and peed right on that television screen!

It shorted out my trailer and caused a small fire….
But it showed what he was a thinking about them damn Gators!

I think a poodle is the right dog for the Vols!

Plus if I win this contest I can get me some new teeth and a television set”

Our next entry this week comes from Chuck “Dumpy” Clark from Three Toe, Tennessee.

“My name is “Dumpy” Clark and I got the dog mascot for them Tennessee Volunteers!

His name is “Barney” and he may not look like much….
But you ought to here him a howl when them Vols score!
Granted he ain’t done it much in a year or so..
But he can do other tricks too!

You ought to see what he can do with your leg!
That boy loves him some leg!

Anyway, Vote for Barney and Go Vols!”

PS – They call me “Dumpy” cause I drive a dump truck….
not cause I had me a bathroom problem at that damn mexican joint near the by-pass.

Our last entry of the week comes to us….
All the way from Turkey Knuckle, Tennessee and Harold “Turnip” Stankle.

“Folks around here call me “Turnip” cause my head is a shaped like a Turnip…
But I ain’t a want’n to talk about that right now..

I got the dog them Volunteers are a looking for a mascot!

I call him “Peanut”…
This ole boy can flat get after it!

He does this little ole dance to Rocky Top that will make you fall off your bar stool!

I believe this dog is what Tennesse is all about!
I say we put ole Peanut in the game and see what he can do!
What do you say?

PS – I was a going to put a jersey on him….
But he bit the hell out of me when I was a trying to squeeze it over his head and then he run up that gum tree.

I got to go to the vet now and get a shot before a damn inclination sets in”

If nothing else….
I think we may have found our replacement for Hootie…

Feel free to Vote right here my loyal readers…
The University of Tennessee needs your help.

Have a great weekend….

RTR
MEB

Please join Coach Gene Stallings and Coach Nick Saban and many other special guests…

Today and Friday (April 23 – 24)

At the Ol’ Colony Golf Course
Tuscaloosa, Alabama

This Tournament benefits the Rise Program…
Which is a pre-school where children with disabilities…
receive the highest quality educational and therapy sevices.

Tonight at 5:30 (or 1730 for the military folks…)
The University of Alabama will have a ceremony…
They will name the street in front of the Stallings Center on campus….
“Stallings Street”, in honor of the late John Mark Stallings.

http://blog.al.com/rapsheet/2009/04/alabama_to_name_street_after_j.html

RTR
MEB

It’s time to catch up on your college football news as a number of major colleges concluded their spring practice last weekend.

Stay tuned…
I have some news that will surely amaze you…
And Next Week….
We will have the return of our “Seven Questions” segement…
With none other than Miles Brand the President of the NCAA…
It should be “illuminating”…..

But until then let’s catch up on some emails and college football news.

Enjoy!

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Don’t start getting all cocky just because Alabama “finally” won an Iron Bowl!
How many had Auburn won before the Tide decided to roll in?
War damn Eagle!
Chip – Pensacola, Florida

A: You sure are mighty cocky yourself Chip…
I saw the scoreboard and thought I saw a Goose Egg up there…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard, I enjoy your pages and insightful writings. I like your picture at the top of the page. I wish I had me one of them robe out fits and matching cap, too.

Here’s my question. My Bull-Dawgs have done and got ‘em another top recruiting class, just like Alabama. We also got us a reeeeeeeeaal good coach, just like Alabama. We had us a pretty good season last year, almost like Alabama.

When do you think we’ll win us a National Championship, just like Alabama?
Lemual – Ludowici, Georgia

A: You sure you aren’t a Tennessee fan?
Because you write like a Tennessee fan, that’s all I’m saying.

Q: How do I go about asking Tim Tebow to marry me?
I kept a writing him and I found his phone number…
(Called him when I was drinking; Big Mistake!)
Then he went and changed his number!
So help me, how do I go about it?
I think he is hot!
Tracy – Homosassa, Florida

A: You already have a restraining order against you, don’t you Tracy?

Q: Mike, any crazy new college football news that we don’t already know about?
Thanks!
Glen – Blacksburg, Virginia

A: I don’t know if you heard about the man suing the University of Miami?
He believes the term “Hurricane” is discriminatory against men…
So in a knee jerk reaction, the President of the University decided to rename the team…

“The We-All-A-Canes”…..
Catchy don’t you think?

Q: Mike what is the deal with the NCAA?
Why can’t they seem to close the deal on the Reggie Bush investigation?
If the NCAA can find schools guilty without any evidence to support their claims, then it seems pretty simple that they could shut the case on Southern California after all the “evidence” has surfaced.
What’s your take?
Paul – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Paul it’s simple…
The Case against the University of $outhern California has dragged on because….
The NCAA has more tools within their hallowed halls than Lowes and Home Depot..
Combined..

Q: Mike, now that Phil Fulmer has left the University of Tennessee, could you find it in your heart to relay a “good” story about Tennessee Volunteer fans?
Please?
Melanie – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Sure Melanie…
One afternoon a University of Tennessee student was given a ride by a guy in his big Lincoln Continental…

The student noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked..
“What are those things for?”

The guy said, “They’re to hold my balls while I drive.”

“Damn!” exclaimed the Tennessee student…
“These Lincoln Continentals have Everything, don’t they?”

EDITORS NOTE: This never gets old for me…

Q: Mike, I read that Terry Bowden left the ABC College Football pre-game team and has decided to coach again.

Do you know where he is coaching?
Thanks!
Susan – Opelika, Alabama

A: Terry Bowden took the position as Head Football Coach of the Sally Brothers Midget Clown College.

It is my understanding….
that he took the position primarily…
because everything at the college was designed for people of his stature.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

ALABAMA: Bryant Denny Stadium hosted nearly eighty five thousand spectators this past Saturday to watch the spring scrimmage and witness the competition for starting quarterback.
If the offense can get pointed in the right direction and with nine returning starters on defense…
The Mighty Tide may Roll again in the Fall…

TENNESSEE: The annual Volunteer Orange and White game had nearly fifty thousand in attendance this year.

Prehaps the highlight of the afternoon’s festivities was awarding a Trophy….
To former coach Phil Fulmer…

I am not sure…
if the award was in recognition of his “5″ win season…
Or the fact that by leaving the university of Tennessee…
He single handedly dropped the crime rate in Knoxville by 36%!

Either way…
Congratulations!

EDITORS NOTE: There is no confirmation yet; on how many in attendance were law enforcement personnel, parole officers or bail bondsmen.

MICHIGAN: This past week all star basketball player and all around athlete Greg Paulus…
Strolled around the Wolverine campus to determine if he would walk-on as a future quarterback of the maze and blue.

This is what head Coach Rich Rodriguez had to say concerning the prize recruits visit:

“I didn’t meet with him…
But I can’t understand why Ron Paul would even want to play football..
I have seen him on television and he is kind of old, you know?
Plus he seems to have a career in politics or something already.”

EDITORS NOTE: After last years performance even Ron Paul at quarterback…
May not seem like such a bad idea if you think about it..

NEBRASKA: The Red and White spring game in Lincoln showcased Husker quarterback Zac Lee.
He clearly demonstrated that he is growing into the role of starting quarterback and leader of the Mighty Cornhuskers.

Converted Lineback Latravis Washington ran like he wants to be the premier back of the offense before 77,670 fans of the Husker nation.

EDITORS NOTE: I hate to be the one to tell you…
But the Mighty Huskers are Back…
You read it here first

TEXAS TECH: Ever heard of the name “Taylor Potts”?
He is the new captain of the Coach Leach offense in Red Raider Country…

Don’t worry fans you will know him well before the season is over..
Especially my Big 12 fans…

FLORIDA: Quarterback John Brantley led the offense during the Blue and Orange game for the National Champion Gators this past Saturday…
With most of the Gator starters setting out the game, this provided an opportunity to showcase the young talent the Gators have on the horizon…

Stated John after the game; “I think I have a real shot at starting this year…”

EDITORS NOTE: I Love the enthusiasm John…..
But I have “two” words for you son..
“TIM TEBOW”; now go take a seat on the bench…

AUBURN: New Tiger Football Coach Gene Chizik….

EDITORS NOTE: Pronounced: “Cheese-it” (Which is nice)

Proclaimed the War Eagle spring scrimmage a success!
and immedately ordered Championship rings for the winning squad..
No word yet on the parade….

WEST VIRGINIA: Quarterback Jarrett Brown “finally” has his shot at Mountaineer glory after (former) quarterback Pat White exhausted his 8 years of eligibility.

You will see a more “team” oriented offense this year from the Mountaineers..
That is loaded with talent…
Which is not good news for the rest of the Big East..

VIRGINIA TECH: I don’t have anything to report currently..
But, I do enjoy saying the word “Hokie”…
It’s fun to say even when you are alone…

NCAA: The ever diligent folks from Indianapolis have decided this past week to combine “both” investigations of the University of Southern California into one.

In case you may have forgotten…
The investigations in question invole Former Trojan athletes O.J. Mayo and Reggie Bush..
As you may recall…..
Both individuals are “alleged” to have accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars and gifts while playing for the University of the Second Coming…

Although both athletes “deny” the allegations…
The pair have placed the blame for their lavish lifestyle as college athletes…
On the “Trojan gift fairy”, who they are seeking…
Along with the “real” killers of Nicole Brown Simpson…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: In case you haven’t heard….
Coach Pete Carroll of the Southern California Trojans is releasing a book….
Called….
“Winning Forever”

It is my understanding that the book describes how to funnel money to players, while turning a blind eye and keeping those pesky ole NCAA investigators at bay.

I hear it has a lot of “How To” pictures…

ARIZONIA STATE: This past week the former head football coach of the Sun Devils Bruce Snyder passed away. His twenty year career as a college football coach included an unbeaten season at Arizona State…

He will forever cast a long shadow in the Valley of the Sun…

WEST POINT:
He was known as “Mr. Inside”…
Doc…
and as the 1945 Heisman Trophy winner…
But Felix “Doc” Blanchard was more than that…

Nobody will argue that he was one of the finest college football players ever..
The bruising fullback was listed at 6 feet 208 pounds..
He and Glennn Davis, aka Mr. Outside, helped Army win consecutive National Titles in 1944-45.

But my favorite quote about Doc comes from none other than Notre Dame coach Ed McKeever who was quoted as saying about Blanchard in 1944…
“I’ve just seen Superman in the flesh….
He wears number 35 and goes by the name of Blanchard.”

Drafted in the third round by the Pittsburgh Steelers…
Doc never played a down….
He ended up serving a long career as a fighter pilot in the Air Force.
Flying combat missions in the Korean and Vietnam wars…

We will not see another player like him pass this way again…

RTR
MEB

This past weekend….
The University of Alabama, along with a number of other Colleges..
completed their spring practice with the much anticipated spring game.

As with most colleges, it is a time to evaluate the team…
and provide a foundation for the future.

It is also a time to see old friends and teammates and enjoy the festivities on campus.

One such event took place this past weekend in Tuscaloosa…

The University sponsored a 7 on 7 flag football game…
It pitted decades of great Alabama football players against one another….

Playing in that game was a former player…Tyrone Prothro
He had not been in front of the home crowd since bringing the game ball out two years ago…

A devastating injury cut his playing career short…

But he will always be remembered for “the catch”…

As I often say….
The Legends of Fall live forever…

So I present a brief review of a career that ended far too soon of one the greatest players ever to play the game…

Click here to view the embedded video.

More College Football News Later in the Week…

Along with a tribute to another true Legend of the Fall…

The Great 1945 Heisman Trophy winner…
Mr. Inside…
Felix “Doc” Blanchard…

RTR
MEB

It’s time to catch up on some long awaited emails from you…
The Loyal reader and College Football Fan…

Before you read any further, I must confess…
I had no idea last week’s article would have generated such a diverse response…

More College Football News Later….
There will be news that will stun and amaze you…
I promise….

Enjoy!

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mike I read that former Auburn Coach Pat Dye’s pants (complete with wallet) washed up at Lake Guntersville in Alabama; do you know anything about what happened?
Hank -Rome, Georgia

A: Pat Dye without his pants?
Well, that would explain why he has been on the radio and not television.

Q: Mike, How could you tell Phil Fulmer apart from the other jackasses at Mule Day?
Dennis – Cottondale, Alabama

A: He was the one wearing the hat….

Q: Dude, we need you to settle a bet for us!
Was Marshall University named after “The Marshall Tucker Band”?
Thanks Man!
Tony – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: No Tony, it wasn’t…
But it should have been…

Q: Mike do you have any thoughts on Post- March Madness?
Charles – Lexington, Kentucky

A: Are you referring to Spring Football Practice?

The complete Spring Football Round-up Issue….
is another couple of weeks away from print.
But thank you for asking….

EDITORS NOTE: I am well aware what the question was referring too.
However….
If my beloved University has a basketball team I am blissfully unaware.

Q: Mike, last Season you correctly predected (until you had to leave us!)
91% of ALL the games played by Texas teams!
How did you do it?
You are Awesome!
Sandy – Arlington, Texas

A: It’s simple Sandy….
My Heroes have always been Cowboys…

Q: I read that Phil Fulmer was the Grand Marshall at the Mule Day celebration….
But you never said how many people it took….
To hold the ropes as he floated down the street?
Terri – Tuscaloosa, Alabama

A: Good One Terri….

Q: Now that you have revisted the international community and have achieved a certain sense of enlightenment will you take a more favorable view of southern California?
Solaria – Pasadena, California

A: It is because I have acheived a higher sense of enlightenment….
That I can say this…
southern California still sucks….

Q: Mike, I heard something about the University of Tennessee coaches luring recruits…
to the Volunteers by doing something called “Topless Recruiting”.
What the heck is that?
George – Gulfport, Mississippi

A: This term refers to the Tennessee assistant coaches coming out of the tunnel at the stadium….
and tearing their shirts off in front of the potential recruits.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s nice to know the Universty of Tennessee has cornered the market…
On young male athletes that enjoy looking at partly clad grown men..
There is no confirmation however…
That the potential Tennessee recruits also recieved…
a Kenny Chesney CD and a subscription to Men’s Health…

Q: Mike we will be visiting the state of Alabama this summer.
Is there anything that is a “must” see….
That we should include on our tour through your fair state?
The Driver Family – Chicago, Illinos

A: If it were me?
I never miss a chance to stop by the Fireworks Superstore…
Also Known as the Alabama – Tennessee Fireworks Superstore…
Located on the Alabama, Tennessee border.
It has everything you would ever need…
Gas, Fireworks, and Cold Beer…
This is just a party waiting to happen.
I am convinced if Alabama could get Mississippi, Georgia and Florida to join the “Fireworks Superstore” coalition we could shoot down satellites and end the war on terror.

Q: Mike, I heard that Phil Fulmer took his son “from another relationship” to Mule Days.
Do you have any information on the story?
Jimmy – Platte City, Missouri

A: Jimmy, a picture is worth a thousand words….
Enjoy

RTR
MEB

I want to apologize for the format on my first post back from overseas…

In case you were wondering…
The last post was “not” intended as an Eye Chart…

Glad to see is Hootie back….
(In a strange “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” kind of way)

But I honestly could have done without the picture…
Try not to leave too many comments for him…
It only encourages him….

We have a lot to catch up on so let’s get to it.

Enjoy your update!

TEAM SPRING FOOTBALL NEWS

ARKANSAS: Coach Bobby Petrino has transfer quarterback Ryan Mallett ready to play and if spring practice is any indication a major bowl game is in their future.
Believe it…..

RUTGERS: Nobody cares…..

COLORADO: Remember you heard it here first….
The Buffalos will be lucky to win seven games in 2009…
Beat the rush…
Start looking for your new football coach now…

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously….
You all aren’t on probation yet? Really?

BOISE STATE: The Bronco’s are reloading and will spoil someone’s New Year’s plans…
Believe it…

SMU: Coach Jones with another year under his saddle will have my once proud ponies back in the winners circle.

LOUISVILLE: Please See “Colorado”..
and substitute “Buffalos” with “Cardinals”.

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will need to replace an outstanding quarterback and an ALL-World wide reciever during spring practice.
But I am betting that Coach Leach has a plan…

TEXAS: Two words for you: Colt McCoy…Enough said.

NORTH CAROLINA: Coach Butch Davis has the Tar Heels pointed in the right direction and if the injury bug doesn’t bite them…
The Tar Heels could be the team to beat next year in the ACC…

WASHINGTON: I still miss Coach James…
I bet the Huskie Fans do too….

FLORIDA STATE: What would football practice in Tallahassee be without a player being suspended?

Wide receiver Rod Owens was “Suspended Indefinitely” by Coach Bobby this week after Owens was arrested for DUI.
Least we forget…
This follows the arrest of five players (all receivers) last fall…
For their role in a noon-hour campus brawl…

EDITORS NOTE: I had a nice rhyme going there..

That led to the suspension of sophmore Bert Reed, who as you may remember was suspended three times last season for diffrent reasons.

EDITORS NOTE: The term “Suspended Indefinitely” in Tallahassee means you will not be allowed to play in (one) game against either the South Georgia Taxidermy Academy or the Breaux Bridge Vietnamese Hair Salon and Nail Institute.

MIAMI: If spring practice is any indication….
The Mighty Hurricanes are for real….
AND will be playing for the ACC Championship…

TENNESSEE: For the “That will be the Day File”…
“New” Coach Lane Tiffin dismissed defensive back “starter” Demetrice Morley from the team the team for violating team rules…
Is this a sign that Coach Fulmer’s “25 Strikes and your Out” policy is over?

Time will solve that mystery for all of us…

EDITORS NOTE: I honestly didn’t think Tennessee had any “team rules”…

CINCINNATI: The Bearkats are having an outstanding spring practice…
They are my early season pick to win the Big East…
Believe it…

NCAA: Seriously, do I have to MapQuest Reggie Bush’s momma’s house for you?
Because you know I can…

NCAA PART II: Is it just me….
But don’t you think if President Miles Brand of the NCAA had a different hair cut…
and a funny little mustache that he would look like Adolph Hitler?
Maybe it’s just the way he acts?

EMAIL Q & A

Q: Mike are the Tennessee Football players really suing the makers of “Pot Pies”?
Because pot pies are hard to light and didn’t give them a buzz?
That is too funny!
Nadine – Athens, Georgia

A: It’s true Nadine.
However I failed to mention the additional lawsuit…
Tennessee football players have filed a lawsuit against the Armour Food Corporation.
It would appear from the initial complaint that the football players are suing
for “undisclosed damages” from burning their lips on cans of Armour potted meat
while trying to light them……

Q: I know it’s too early to be asking you…
But I CANNOT take another season of West Point football!
Another year of the Midshipmen beating Army…
Is the drought against Navy going to end anytime soon?
Col. Martin – The Big Red One, Baghdad, Iraq

A: The day you see a flying pig will be a clue Colonel..

EDITORS NOTE: A “Flying Pig”..
is in no way intended as a reference to Wynona Judd..
or her commercial for American Airlines.

Q: Mike was that picture of Hootie Snitch “real”?
I can’t believe that is his real neck!
That was a joke right?
Dave – Columbus, Ohio

A: Dave why do you think he grew a Mullet?
Just be thankful you don’t have to buy him a turtle neck sweater.

Q: Mike what was the first thing you did every day when you woke up over in Iraq?
Tommy – Hollywood, South Carolina

A: Same thing I do back in the states Tommy…
I Remember the Alamo…

Q: The Ivy League has produced some of the finest politicians and leaders the world has ever seen.
Could you see fit to show us the respect our League is due this coming season?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Well….
Darrell Royal invented the “Wishbone Formation”..
So what’s your point?

Q: Mike, what the Hell is the President of Georgia (Mike Adams) trying to do now?
Wanting to move the Florida -Georgia game to Atlanta?
Thanks!
Mark – Gainesville, Florida

A: Well, first things first Mark…
President Adams treated the GREAT Coach Dooley disrespectfully..
I don’t want to go into it here…
But he should have been publically flogged for that…

Then he tried to change the name of the game…
That has ALWAYS been known as….
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”…
To something “Less offensive…
and something “that doesn’t glorify alcohol use…”

IN fact (you may remember) when President Adams was in the process….
Of changing the name of the Florida – Georgia game…
He refused to accept “any” of my suggestions for the name change…

My Top Three Choices….
to Replace the name of the Florida- Georgia game…

1. Mike Adams can Kiss My Ass Party
2. The Day Mike Adams Died
3. Cinco De Mayo

So to answer your question Mark..
It’s hard to know what goes on in the mind of an idiot…

Q: Mike do you think Coach Rod will turn the Wolverines aroud this year?
Chuck – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Yes he will Chuck; 360 degrees.

Q: So what is Coach Phil Fulmer doing now that he is “retired”?
Chase – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Most recently Phil Fulmer was seen leading the parade as the Grand Marshall…
at the Mule Days in Columbia Tennessee…

EDITORS NOTE: “Mule Days” is in no way a reference to Phil Fulmer’s wife.
Although the last time I saw a face like her’s it had a bit in it’s mouth…

Q: Mike, I noticed in the portion of your website entitled…
“About your favorite College Football Prognosticator”…
that you are afraid of “Midgets”? Why?
Toni – Birmingham, Alabama

A: WHY? See the link below…

http://services.sled.sc.gov/sor/view.aspx?SRS=2649

Before you email me…
“Yes” the height and weight are correct…

This proves that midgets are dangerous….

RTR

MEB

It’s your old friend Hootie Snitch from Baneberry Tennessee!

In case you all done forgot I am the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan in the world!
Maybe even the unverse!

Before I tell yawl about my adventures, I got to get something off my chest.

I seen this local commercial here for the “Cell Phone King” and it made me made enough to spit!

We is a democarcy and we don’t have no “King”; unless it’s Elvis or Richard Petty.
That’s what we fought them Koreans about!
I think it is wrong as hell to have this man say he is our Cell Phone King…
So if this fella wants to be in charge of all the cell phones around here….
I say we have us an Election!
I ain’t opposed to having a Cell Phone President…

Speaking of elections, I need yawl to help my momma get in that International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame.

Holler at em and tell em Rowena Ratt Snitch, who is a loyal and devout Tennessee Volunteer Fan….
Needs to be in that there “Hall of Fame”!

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

(Cause all us Ratt’s and Snitch’s…
 Are Tennessee Volunteer Fans! Hell Yeah!)

 Now on to something most of yawl done already heard of….

I done got myself arrested…
Yep I done it….

What happened was I was a “just” a talking to the folks in charge of that voting for the Hall of Fame.
Well they got scared or something….
 Just cause I found out where they lived and visted em in person.
That’s about all I can tell you cause my lawyer said I ain’t allowed to say nothing more.

But I will say this….
Whatever you do…..
Don’t show up at somebody’s house with spot lights and mega phones at midnight…
The Police come to my house the very next day..
I know Yawl done seen the picture…

I know what yawl is a thinking…
What happened to my mullet?

I had to cut it off cause I done burned it up…
In that “Fireworks” incident at New Years…

But I am a betting….
You ladies are gettin all worked up…
 over a picture of me with my shirt off…..
Am I right?

Hootie – Out!

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is Back!

Before we catch up on lost times…..
I want to thank you all for your kind words in response to my article about Charlie.

I cannot begin to tell you how good it was to see him when I returned.
Simply put: Charlie is “The Man”.

I also want to thank you for your emails and all the prayers while I was deployed.

I greatly appreciate it and will never forget your kindness.

We have a lot to catch up on my friends, so let’s get started.
In case you were wondering, I missed you all too.

Enjoy your update!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS (REWIND)

 At my age it’s comforting to know that some things don’t change…..
For example…
Coach Rod’s wife still looks like a ten dollar hooker and Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music (Minus the classic music and talent). But there will always be those events that shock and amaze you and not always in a good way.
So, forgive me as we look back at the 2008 college football season and then catch up on a few email questions and answers. 

THE GOOD

FLORIDA: As the Mighty Gator Nation “may” recall….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator picked you to win the BCS Championship back on August 9^th.

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me, it’s what I do.

ALABAMA: An undefeated regular season….I didn’t see that one coming.

EDITORS NOTE: But I enjoyed it (immensely) from afar.

NEBRASKA: I told you Coach Bo would bring the Huskers back….
Congratulations on a winning season and bowl victory.

EDITORS NOTE: There are a lot more wins to come, believe me Husker Fans.

PENN STATE: Congratulations on the Big Eleven…I mean Ten Championship.

EDITORS NOTE: Glad you are feeling better Joe, we missed you on the sidelines.

CLEMSON: As I recall, the last time the Tigers had a former Alabama player as a Coach you won the National Championship.

Congratulations on a great choice.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes will be stronger this year than ever. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, before you ask; that also means another win over Michigan.

FLORIDA STATE: GREAT NEWS! Coach Bobby has agreed to be cryogenically frozen and coach from the comfort of his liquid nitrogen encased stainless steel container through the year 2120!

 GEORGIA: How Bout them DAWGS!

THE BAD

UTAH: When I am wrong, I admit it.

I picked the Ute’s last year in the “Pre Season Extravaganza” as…

“Pretenders”….

I couldn’t have been more wrong……

EDITORS NOTE: I know what a “Ute” is now.
It’s something that ruined my Sugar fix on 2 January 2009.

TEXAS: Great season and a tremendous Bowl win….
But let me put this gently….

Between the Heisman Ceremony and the BCS Committee..
You all must feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”

 The Longhorns should have been playing the Mighty Gators….

OREGON STATE: Damn It

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I hate Coach Croom left…I really do.

MICHIGAN: You had a chance to get Les Miles, but you all wouldn’t listen to me.
The Wolverines misery won’t end with 2008…Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet you all thought I was going to say something about Coach Rod’s wife, didn’t you.

 That will come later in the week….

TEXAS A&M: I still have R.C. Slocum’s cell phone number; you want it?

OKLAHOMA: Losing two games in a season would warrant raises and parades in most places.
But Norman Oklahoma isn’t “most” places.
The Sooner’s better crank it up a notch or two…

The natives are getting restless….

THE UGLY

NCAA: SOOOoooooooooooooooo

You have the time and resources to investigate everybody from the University of New Mexico to Florida State, but you can’t seem to find Reggie Bush’s Momma’s address?

 So just tell us this….

Who have you sold out to?
Was it the ABC network and ESPN?

That 350 Million dollar contract to broadcast PAC 10 football games lined your pockets nicely…..

Was it Adidas?
They really know how to reward an organization for keeping their “Star” endorsement out of trouble.

Or is it that the NCAA is just that corrupt and blind in its favoritism?

Enquiring minds want to know….

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record, “No”, I will not give this up until I take my last dying breath.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?

TENNESSEE: So Fat Phil renegotiated his contract with a “healthy” buy out clause months before he gets canned….How convenient.

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank the administration and the athletic department at the University of Tennessee…
For hiring a new football coach that is easy to make fun of.

NOTRE DAME: On the subject of “healthy” contract buyouts…
Unless the Irish purchase Fort Knox they won’t get Uncle Charlie out of South Bend anytime soon.

 AUBURN: So “Ears” Tubberville took flight and took his high finger salute with him.

 Don’t let the door knob hit you on the back of the head on the way out the door…

 EDITORS NOTE: No wait, that joke was intended for Terry Bowden…
Never mind, it’s still funny.

PAC 10 Conference: Is “Choke” the Official Drink of your Conference?
Just wondering…….

 BCS Committee: As a Safety Tip: You all may not want to vacation in Texas anytime in the foreseeable future.

EMAIL Q&A

 Q: Mike “Welcome back Dude!” Hey I have to ask….
Did you see anything crazy during Mardi Gras when you were in the Middle East? Thanks and Welcome Back!
Trey – Baton Rouge, Louisiana

 A: Thanks Trey; and I know what you really want to know.
Mardi Gras in the Middle East has plenty of T & A……Toes and Ankles.

 Q: Mike, my family and I LOVE the television game show “Jeopardy”!
We watch it religiously!
My question is: Why isn’t there a program on television for college football with the format of Jeopardy?
I think it would be AWESOME!
What do you think?
The Kowalski Family – Madison, Wisconsin

 A: My powers of Prognostication do not extend to programs such as Jeopardy.
Case in point…..
I remember the last time I saw “Jeopardy”.
Alex said:”A Rhino, a Unicorn and Chuck Mangione.”

I would have said….”Three things I don’t want drunk and loose in my house”
See what I mean?

Q: I read something about a Tennessee football player suing a large food manufacture?
Do you have any information on that and by the way welcome home.
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Thanks Stan, I appreciate it.
It’s true; a “number” of Tennessee football players are involved in a “class” action lawsuit against Banquet Food Corporation for “False Advertisement”.

It seems their complaint is specifically against the “Banquet Pot Pie”.
The Tennessee football players cited…
 “They were hard to light and didn’t give us the buzz we were expecting”.

Q: Mike we are all really excited here in Minnesota about the upcoming 2009 College Football Season! Go Gophers!
The students here are trying to come up with a new catch phrase to get people excited about our state and Golden Gopher football in 2009!
Do you have any ideas that may help us out?
Thanks!
Tiffany – Saint Paul, Minnesota

A: How does this grab you….
“Ever Vigilant Minnesota: Keeping Canada at bay since 1873”

Q: Mike I have a simple question.
Why the hell didn’t Colt McCoy win the Heisman trophy last year?
Troy – Bangs, Texas 

A: Good question Troy and I have a simple answer for you.
The Heisman Trophy ceremony is televised by ESPN, which is owned by ABC.
ABC televised the BCS Championship last year.
How did they start promoting the game before the Heisman Trophy was awarded?

The first game between “two” Heisman Trophy winners….
See where this is going? Glad I could help.

Q: Mike where has Hootie Snitch been since you have been deployed?
We were looking forward (in a weird kind of way) to his updates in your absence.
Was he deployed on the Global War on Terror Too?
Dave – Little Creek, Virginia

A: I guess you could say Hootie was “technically” deployed.
By “deployed” I mean ordered to the county work farm after he was convicted of stalking the select committee at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.

If nothing else he is determined to get his mamma on the ballot for the 2009 inductees.
Hootie will be released back into the wild (appropriately) on April 1^st.

 If you get a chance, cast your ballot for Rowena Ratt Snitch at…..

 http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Tell them Phil Fulmer sent you…..

Q: Mike, I just have to ask…
Are you going to write a book about your adventures?
Thanks!
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi

A: Thank you for asking Holly.
I am in the process of writing a historical biography.

“It Sucks to be You” – The Genghis Khan Story

Q: Mike in all your world travels,…
Is there anything that you want to share with us that could broaden our horizons…
and possibly enrich our lives on planet earth?
Salantra – Pasadena, California

A: Note to self: Never put Chap Stick on in the men’s room of a bad ass biker bar.

 It sends the wrong message – that’s all I’m saying.

Q: Mike I have a question that has bothered me for some time.
Should we really be involved in the toppling of dictators and the crushing of evil empires?
James – Cave City, Kentucky

A: I believe if we want to fight tyranny….
and dispose of a dictator and an evil regime….
 We should start with Miles Brand and the NCAA in Indianapolis Indiana.

College Football News and Views will be out later in the week.

Have a GREAT Week….

 RTR

MEB