I have been accused of many things over the years….

But being “Un-Cool” isn’t one of them….

I received an email from a young Crimson Tide fan…..
Concerning the video I included with the last post and the young fan actually said….

It hurts me to repeat this…..

Are you ready……

Because I can only say this once….

“Next time play something that’s not old fashioned…I thought you were cooler than that”

That cut me deep……

So I included the “new” circle Alabama logo in this post…..
(Which I also happen to like…)

And a video that should appeal to the “younger audience”

But to tell you the truth…
I really like the song except for one “little” correction…

A line in the song should actually say….

“Workin on 14 ,so yalls teams better be prac-tic-ing ”

Enjoy…….

Click here to view the embedded video.

I’m just keep’n It real….

More College Football News Later…..

RTR

MEB

So here I am in Satan’s Butt Crack….
Watching the National Championship Game…

Yes “The” National Championship Game

Yelling loud enough that, according to NASA, lights dim as far away as San Antonio

Then it happened….
Alabama’s attempted fake punt on the first possession of the first quarter caused my spleen to jump out of my belly button…

If that wasn’t bad enough…..
I had no internet connection after the game…..

Maybe I was yelling too much?
Never mind that’s impossible…

But I am doing much better now, Thank you all for the cards and letters.

So let’s talk about the game…..

It’s still hard to believe….

The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
Are the 2009 undefeated National Champions of Collegiate Football

The “13th” Championship for the University of Alabama

14-0-0

The Tide’s first Heisman Trophy winner…..

The first time the University of Alabama ever defeated Texas….

It was a season to remember and one I doubt anyone will ever forget…
I certainly won’t

The Championship game itself…
As we all know…..

Could have gone either way…
What if?

Colt would have stayed in the game or been able to come back and play?

What if?
The Longhorns wouldn’t have turned the ball over (repeatedly) and Alabama scored before the first half ended?

But there was no quit in the Longhorns…
Texans are tougher than that…
They came storming back…

But they fell short…

The Texas Longhorns, coaches, players, alumni and fans are nothing but first class…
Always have been and always will be….

I don’t know if my buddy Lee is still on the couch in Texas….
but I understand his Longhorn bride is as sweet as she is beautiful, so I feel confident all is well by now.

As for me….

Click here to view the embedded video.

I am so very proud for my beloved University of Alabama…..
The Mighty Crimson Tide Coaches, players, fans and alumni…

I am so proud, I am speechless….

I am Truly in awe….

It’s been a long time my friends…

The National Championship is back Home…..

Sweet Home Alabama…….

ROLL TIDE ROLL

MEB

Post Game….

In a couple of days we will catch up on the latest and perhaps not so greatest news from around the college football world
(Cue the Carousel music) as well as answer some long awaited viewer emails.

And…..

Hootie Snitch the self proclaimed “Number One Vol Fan” on the planet
will weigh in with his unique perspective on the coaching situation in “Big Orange” country.

So stay tuned…

As the sun sets on the end of another year….
It’s time to wrap up the Bowl season
And the National Championship

Safety Tip: For those of you reading this on January 1st……
This column is not written or designed in 3D…..
If you are seeing double
You “may” have had too much of Grandpa’s Couch Medicine last night.

As I set here in my new Urban Myer Flip Flops and prepare to return to Satan’s Butt crack
Wait, I can’t decide if I like these things or not….
Never mind….
I decided I like them…
Or do I?

Never mind….
I will wear one flip flop around for another day and decide if I will keep them.

Before we go any further I want to say
The folks in Lubbock made a bad decision firing Coach Leach..
A Very Bad Decision

You may be wondering what New Year Resolutions I will make this year

My 2010 New Year’s Resolutions are quite simple
This year I will no longer introduce myself as “Gary Busey’s Illegitimate Son”
(But I did enjoy signing all the autographs last year)
I will no longer judge people on their height, weight and color of their eyes.
Instead I will judge people based upon whether or not they like ABBA.
(They suck by the way)
And perhaps most important of all
I intend on taking more time this year to enjoy my extensive collection of…
Herve Villechaize albums of classic Love Songs

These Urban Myer Flip Flops make me jump from subject to subject
Don’t they?
I am taking them off for good….
I changed my mind, I’m keeping them

Have a Great Year my Friends……

Enjoy!

One other thing…..
For you that doubt the soothing power of Herve Villechaize classic Love Songs
Please enjoy the following short clip
And before you ask….
“No” you may not borrow my albums

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BOWL GAMES

Friday January 1st 2010

OUTBACK BOWL
Tampa Florida
Northwestern and Auburn
With both teams in this game being of the feline variety
I would have thought it more appropriate to have this game
Sponsored by “Tidy Cat”
Never Mind…..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 33-24

CAPITAL ONE BOWL
Orlando Florida
Penn State and LSU
Lions and Tigers O’ My!
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-17

KONICA MINOITA GATOR BOWL
Jacksonville Florida
West Virginia and Florida State
In Honor of Coach Bobby’s last game…
The College Football Hall of Fame will display the legendary Coach’s sideline apparel in a special exhibit honoring the Tallahassee legend.
On display will be Coach Bobby’s Vietcong “Coaches” hat, welding goggles and trousers with a forty inch zipper.
SEMI-NOLES 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder…..
Considering the title sponsor of this bowl game…
Does the winner of this game get something that looks like a Komodo Dragon?

ROSE BOWL
Pasadena California
The Ohio State and Oregon
The Granddaddy of them all…..
The Ducks can go Quack themselves…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-17

ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
New Orleans
Florida and Cincinnati
This one will be nothing but Gators…..
Believe it…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Saturday January 2nd 2010

AT&T COTTON BOWL
Dallas Texas
Oklahoma State and Ole Miss
I had some of the best days of my life in Dallas…..
Not that it really matters here…..
I had a variety of headlines for this game I wanted to use…
“The Prairie Wind touches Ole Miss is a naughty place”
“These Rebels are Nutts”
“You can’t beat Ole Miss Nutts”
But you expect higher standards from me
So I will simply say
NUTTY REBELS 34-24

AUTOZONE LIBERTY BOWL
Memphis Tennessee
East Carolina and Arkansas
The winner of this game gets a free oil change and a tire rotation.
Which is nice…
RAZORBACKS 38-17

INTERNATIONAL BOWL
Toronto Canada
South Florida and Northern Illinois
Let me tell you what I learned about Canada….
When the speed limit signs say “80”
They mean “80 Kilometers an Hour” which equates to about “50 miles per hour”
For those you that may be wondering what “80 miles an hour” is in Kilometers?
It’s 128 Kilometers an Hour, at least that’s what my ticket said.
That’s No Bull
SUNSHINE BULLS 28-24

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL
Birmingham Alabama
Connecticut and South Carolina
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Connecticut” he spits halfway across the room?
STEVE’S GAMECOCKS 38-17

VALERO ALAMO BOWL
San Antonio Texas
Texas Tech and Michigan State
I believe having a Mexican sponsorship for the Alamo Bowl
Is just plain wrong.
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-28

Monday January 4th 2010

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
Glendale Arizona
Texas Christian and Boise State
There is only one thing that can be said about this game
It’s going to be a dandy
HORNED FROGS 24-23

Tuesday January 5th 2010

FEDEX ORANGE BOWL
Miami Florida
Georgia Tech and Iowa
As many close games as these two teams have played this year
Don’t you think “Nine Lives Cat Food” should be the sponsor?
Just wondering…
RAMBLING WRECK 31-17

Wednesday January 6th 2010

GMAC BOWL
Mobile Alabama
Central Michigan and Troy
For those fans and alumni of the two schools seeing the local sights before the game
I need to point out that due to a “funding” problem the statue of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at the Flora-Bama Lounge has yet to be completed.
I just thought you should know.
CHIPPEWA’S 33-31

Thursday January 7th 2010

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Pasadena California
The University of Texas Longhorns and The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
This will be a battle for the ages…..
Lee, It’s two more weeks on the couch for you my friend.
CRIMSON TIDE 33-21

I hope you all have a healthy and happy New Year
Hope to see you all next year

RTR
MEB

I know many of you are in the post Christmas wrap-up…
No pun intended

And I know…..

It’s difficult to keep up with the myriad of College Bowl games this year.

But this is no time to start taking laps around the anxiety pool.

We will start with a few email Questions and Answers….
Just to lower the stress level of the Post-Christmas season….

Then we will discuss the list of “Lesser Known” Bowl Games of 2009

But before we get to it….

I hope you enjoy
Your hideous tie from Aunt Martha and remember that “she can’t help it”

Please don’t complain about the gift from Uncle Todd either
Since he was in that weed eater accident that boy hasn’t been the same.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas

Enjoy!

POST CHRISTMAS EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: OMG Mister Wizard!
Even though you don’t like him….(Frown Face!)
I heard Kenny Chesney was playing Santa Claus at the Music City Bowl!
OMG I am so excited!
Is that true?
Trudy – Franklin, Tennessee

A: I think you got your facts wrong here Trudy
Kenny Chesney is “not” going to play Santa Claus”….
He is “coming out of the closet”…..
Which is two entirely different things Trudy

Q: I don’t give a tinker’s damn if you publish this and Italian size the whole thing!
You need to stop making fun of Coach Phil Fulmer!
I seen him in that movie “Blind Side” and I think he is a going to get one of them Academy Awards!
I think it’s good too that the movie showed how he tried to turn Ole Miss in to the NCAA for recruiting violations!
Everybody knows Coach Phil kept everything clean in the SEC
That was before that cheating Urban what’s his Gator ass moved in at Gainesville.
So lay off Coach Fulmer and quit calling him Fat!
GO VOLS!
Rita Sue – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: May I assume Rita Sue you meant…
“Italicize”
But that aside, let me say this…
Saying “coach” Phil Fulmer isn’t fat is like saying
Siegfried and Roy are just “a little bit” gay.

In reference to the movie the “Blindside”

I guess Hootie Snitch has been right all along….
Phil Fulmer is part Snitch and Rat.

Q: Yo wiz,
Maaaaaaaan, my bro Nu’keese be gettin a bad rap all over bout that armed robbery thang up at Tenn’see a few week ago.
I’m a pimp & grew up down here to Apopka & a brotha needs to survive, you know?
I got Nu-key all hooked up wit bling & stuff & then he goes up to Tenn’see to play football & ole boy aint got no bling no mo’.
Well a brothas gotta do what a brothas gotta do. Heck, even the crackers sittin in that car was all good when they found out who it was.
So ya’ll all need to cut my baby brotha some slack.
Keepin it real and Happy Kwanzza to all my peeps
Nu’keenan Richardson
Inmate #5625433
Cellblock 10
Fla State Penitentiary

A: Honestly, I didn’t understand a damn thing you just said.

Q: Sir,
It is becoming apparent, based on the unjust scrutiny of the media, that my football team, the USC Trojans are once again being singled out and targeted by the elitist media.
I mean, c’mon, all this attention over a kid who is simply driving around in a “used” luxury vehicle.
Jeez, I wouldn’t be caught dead in something that old.
And although the payments are $500 a month, it has full collision insurance coverage, and she attends full time a somewhat pricey University of Southern California,
Mr McKnight’s girlfriend can comfortably afford this on her salary as a secretary for Scott Schenter and his many honorable business ventures.
So what if this young lady allows her “baby daddy” to drive this car on occasion to go to and from practice?
In the vernacular of our hip athletes, “Baby Daddy need a pimped out ride, too!!”
I would just like to point out that the USC athletics department adheres to the very spirit and intent of the NCAA’s rules and bylaws.
We’re not one of those Southern universities.
I mean, Mr McKnight never went fishing illegally, or cheated on tests, or sold text books.
He innocently drove a vehicle owned by a questionable individual who graduated from the University of Washington and supports USC.
Couple this with your incessant badgering of one of our highly regarded alumni, Reggie Bush, and you can see that there is undue scrutiny on our program.
So, with that in mind and the fact that WE feel no violations have occurred, we don’t think this needs to be self reported. But, we will look really hard at future escapades should they occur.
Respectfully,
Coach Pete Carroll
University of Southern California

A: Ah I always love to hear from Coach Cheat Carroll and his “squeaky” clean program.

But unfortunately the only people that buy your story….
Is the NCAA “investigators”

Q: Here in Cincinnati we are angry.
Coach Brian Kelly is a liar and a traitor
What’s the big deal about South Bend anyway?
You want to know the truth, here you go….
Notre Dame verses the rest of Division I
Yes, this rivalry dates back for as long as one can remember.
From the smug, self righteous, holier than thou attitude of the institution to the self negotiated TV contract with NBC.
From the indignant and obnoxious fans to the Talking heads of sports who annually proclaim Notre Dame is back……
After they open the season with a couple of wins over cupcakes and get beat by U$C by “only” a few points, EVERYBODY loves to see the Irish get beat…. Yes, even humiliated.
With Gerry Faust, Coach Ty, and, Charlie Weiss at the helm the satisfaction of watching Notre Dame fall to lower tier Div I schools & service academies has been more than satisfying.
And let’s hope the current trend continues with that sack of lying monkey crap Brian Kelly.
Troy – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: Let the anger go Troy……
You live in a city with “Great” chili
And….
He will get what’s coming to him….
I promise…

Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I Just Love starting my letters out like that!
First I want to say I am NOT gay, O.k.?
But the other day I was surfing the net looking for kola bears in funny costumes
And I discovered that Jimmy Clausen is secretly peddling Penis Enlargement Pills on his MySpace page.
After discovering the following link……… (http://www.myspace.com/jimmyclausen ),
Upon scrolling down the page, there is a letter from an “acquaintance” of Clausen’s named “Savannah”…..
Who describes an incident in which she discovered a boyfriend’s Male Enhancement paraphernalia stored in a shoe box under his bed.
What she was doing under “Joey’s” bed we will always wonder, but none the less…..
The letter appears to be a veiled ad for a product from a website titled JATCE.Com. Mr Clausen apparently endorses this product since the letter has been posted on his MySpace page since March 2007. I do not know if this product has benefitted Mr Clausen to date, but in a recent photo of Jimmy in a Speedo, which you posted…..
It is apparent by the Ken doll-like swimsuit he was wearing……
That it has had no effect.
Just thought you should know
Ricky – Long Island, New York

A: Poor Jimmy…..
Liike playing quarterback at Notre Dame wasn’t bad enough….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I don’t know if you heard….
But ESPN has decided to add to the annual trophy award list this year.
Due to Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow’s departure from the NCAA College Football scene after this year…….
ESPN, in conjunction with Oscar Meyer and French’s Corporation will award the 1st annual “Tebow-Big Weiner” trophy annually to the top player in the country who has been overexposed, overhyped, and is thought to possibly have the ability to both part the red sea and stop deficit spending. Frank Bungerman, spokesperson for Oscar Meyer said that “no one in the country personifies the hype & hyperbole like Tim Tebow. I mean, greatest college football player in history? C’mon. But, the media has pulled this off like he were really Superman, Batman, and Obama all in one. That’s a media machine, baby.” Finalists for this years award include dark horse Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen who has engineered a 14-18 record and won the prestigious Co-MVP of the 2008 Hawaii Bowl and, of course, Lou Holz & Mark May darling, Tim Tebow, who has had more exposure and hype than anyone in the history of college football. Starting next November, there will be a link at ESPN for nominations for next year’s awards. Good luck to the nominees!!!
Sobby Sowden – Seminole Retirement Village
Tallahassee, Florida

A: Come on Coach Bobby…..
Is your “Golden Girls Gone Wild” tape stuck in the VHS recorder again?
Call one of those nice attendants at “the home” and they will dig it out for you…..
Isn’t it time for your nap?

Q: Question…..
Can you sing like a Duck if you were caught in a leg hold trap?
Dale – Conway, Arkansas

A: If you knew anything about me, you would know I hate the Oregon Ducks.

THE LIST OF LESSER KNOWN BOWL GAMES OF 2009

The Fleet Enema Bowl
Sponsored by Fleet Enemas and Colon Blow
Hershey Pennsylvania
This game is reserved for teams that blew it out their butt all year
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines

The Cubic Zirconium Bowl
Sponsored by the Arab Mall Jewelers of America
Gypsum Nevada
The teams selected for this game are those teams……
That look really good when the season started but can’t cut glass when it really counts
Ole Miss Rebels and Florida State Seminoles

The Silicon Valley Bowl
Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
Los Angeles California
This prestigious bowl game selects their teams based on “Big” preseason expectations
Only to have them deflate half way through the season…
Southern California Trojans and Notre Dame Fighting Irish

The Flaming Possum Rectum Bowl
Sponsored by the Tennessee Department of Tourism
Baneberry Tennessee
The two teams selected for this game….
Are those teams with uniforms as bright as a baboon’s ass.
Oregon Ducks and Illinois Fighting Pumpkins

ACME Rocket Bowl
Sponsored by Coyote Ugly
Death Valley California
The teams selected for this bowl game
Are those teams that look good until you light them…
Then they blow up in your face….
Louisville Cardinals and Colorado Buffalos

The John Cameron Swayze Bowl
Sponsored by Timex
Piscataway New Jersey
As you might imagine the teams in this bowl game can’t seem to manage a game clock
LSU Fighting Tigers and Texas Longhorns

The HN 1 Bird Flu Bowl
Sponsored by Tyson Chicken
Little Rock Arkansas
The selection for this bowl game is done somewhat differently…
The teams selected for this game are done so on the basis of their hideous mascots.
Mascots that give the viewer the same symptoms as the dreaded Bird Flu
Evergreen State Geoducks and Stanford Cardinal

The Lamisil Toe Fungus Monster Bowl
Septic Tank New York
These teams hold the distinction of looking ugly and gross all year….
Just like that nasty toe fungus monster on the commercials….
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Michigan Wolverines

More Later in the Week….
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house……
Hardly a creature is stirring
Not even Aunt Edna and her irritable bowel syndrome

But that doesn’t matter and you really shouldn’t care

Because Uncle Todd is sleeping off his Christmas bender with sweet potato casserole
Still stuck in his hair.

Have no doubt and have no fear…..

For your reading pleasure the second installment of the Bowl games
To include the game in Atlanta with the Volunteers

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas

Enjoy!

THE BOWL GAMES PART II

Saturday December 26th

THE EMERALD NUT BOWL
San Francisco California
Boston College and Southern California
Since this game is in San Francisco…..
Wouldn’t be more appropriate to call it….
The “If you drop your wallet you better kick it to Sacramento before you pick it up Bowl”?
Just wondering….
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-31

MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL
Charlotte North Carolina
North Carolina and Pittsburg
The winner of this game gets a trophy that looks eerily similar to a car muffler.
Coincidence? I think not…..
TAR HEELS 24-21

LITTLE CAESARS BOWL
Detroit Michigan
Ohio and Marshall
I appreciate the fine folks from Caesars Pizza sponsoring this Bowl game…
But this game is in Detroit…
So shouldn’t this game be sponsored by..
A Bullet Proof Vest Company and a Bail Bonds Association?
I’m just saying….
COACH FRANK’S CATS 34-24

Sunday December 27th

GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL
Nashville Tennessee
Kentucky and Clemson
Anybody with the name “Gaylord” didn’t go to public school
You can count on that….
DABO’S TIGERS 34-28

Monday December 28th

INDEPENDENCE BOWL
Shreveport Louisiana
Texas A&M and Georgia
I liked this Bowl game a lot better……
When it was called the Weed Eater Independence Bowl
But that’s just me…
I’m Old Fashioned
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS 31-17

Tuesday December 29th

EAGLE BANK BOWL
Washington D.C.
UCLA and Temple
Ah the “Nations Capitol”….
I would feel more comfortable with this game, considering the location…
If it was called the “Marion Berry Crack Pipe Bowl”
My second choice for the name of the Bowl game would be…
“Taxing the Working Class like it’s Cool Bowl”
You get the idea…
BRUINS 28-24

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
Orlando Florida
Miami (FL) and Wisconsin
Have you ever seen cheese that’s been left out in the Florida sun?
I am not talking about how it smells here people…
I know your Uncle Todd has been at your house for over a week and my description above is EXACTLY the aroma (if you want to call it that)
Which is currently drifting out of your front closet due to his “favorite shoes”
I am talking about cheese melting….
The Wisconsin Cheese Heads will melt in Orlando……
Believe it…
HURRICANES 38-17

Wednesday December 30th

PACIFIC LIFE HOLIDAY BOWL
San Diego Florida
Nebraska and Arizona
“Pacific Life?”
Don’t they mean…..
“The Media Whores Bowl”
I’m just asking….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN HUSKERS 31-17

ROADY’S HUMANITARIAN BOWL
Boise Idaho
Idaho and Bowling Green
I never knew “Roady” was a Humanitarian?
All these years I thought he just placed speakers and microphones for Lynyrd Skynyrd
Who Knew?
VANDALS 24-17

Thursday December 31st

TEXAS BOWL
Houston Texas
Missouri and Navy
Honestly….
You had me at “Texas”
What I wouldn’t give to be in Houston town on New Years Eve…
MO’S TIGERS 38-21

BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL
Fort Worth Texas
Air Force and Houston
Ah Fort Worth…..Now that is a fine town.
But……
The mighty Falcons have a problem….
They are playing the Cougars…
Yes, it’s just that simple.
COUGARS 38-21

BRUT SUN BOWL
El Paso Texas
Stanford and Oklahoma
I wish this game was still called “The Sun Bowl”
But I don’t have a problem with calling it the “Brut Sun Bowl”
Lee Marvin and Steve McQueen used Brut….
That’s good enough for me…
CARDINAL 31-28

INSIGHT BOWL
Tempe Arizona
Minnesota and Iowa State
The “Insight” Bowl?
I have some “insight” for you….
Neither one of these teams could beat Hover High School in Alabama
CYCLONES 17-10

CHICK-FIL-A BOWL
Atlanta Georgia
Virginia Tech and Tennessee
As far as I am concerned this is still the Peach Bowl….
But that aside
The Big Chicken Sandwich goes to……
VOWELS 31-24

You will have “another” Bowl Edition out Sunday evening….
It will “Highlight” the Lesser Bowl games of the week….

And the remainder of your Big College Bowl games will be out later in the week….

Before I leave you today…..

How about those Mighty SMU Mustangs!

RTR
MEB

I wrote a Christmas story some years ago about my most memorable Christmas.

It’s called…..
“Christmas on Outer Drive”

Over the years I have only shared this story……..
With a few close friends and a certain member of Alabama royalty.

I am not sure why I decided to share this with you all now…..

But I hope you enjoy it….
If you enjoy it, share it with whoever you like…

Merry Christmas my friends

RTR
MEB

CHRISTMAS ON OUTER DRIVE

It was Christmas 1962, when America didn’t have a clue what a Vietnam was
and most women were more concerned about which hat Jackie would wear during the holidays than they were about world politics.

Even at the ripe old age of four this wonderful foster family provided by the state that was kind enough to explain to me that Santa Claus…
Ole Saint Nick to you and me, didn’t visit children without a mommy and daddy.
Those were the “bad” children; that’s why their mommies and daddies left them with the state.
Made sense to me at the time; so, it goes without saying that my expectations were not very high this holiday season.

Imagine my surprise when Miss Connie, who lived next door in the duplex……
told me that she was “sure” that Santa was going to drop off a present for me at her house.
She would bring it over to me on Christmas day. What? Could this be true?
I couldn’t hide my excitement or stop talking about Santa’s generosity.
The whole concept of Santa Claus was beyond my ability to comprehend.
But yet, I was able to grasp the idea of a “special” gift created just for me and built by elf’s working at union wage at the North Pole.
Go figure.

I have been exposed to various family Christmas traditions throughout my extensive tour of state homes over the years before I had grown up.
However, this particular family enjoyed opening a variety of packages on Christmas Eve and saving a select few……
Along with Santa’s delivery, to open on Christmas morning.

On this Christmas Eve I was a very disinterested observer.
Despite the fact I wasn’t going to get any gifts, after all it was pointed out in advance, that “taking me in” and feeding me was “gift enough”.
I wanted to speed up the whole process; move on to Christmas morning…..
So I could get whatever wonderful item Santa would leave me at Miss Connie and Mister Ken’s house.
Could you blame me?

I remember these events with perfect clarity, recalling the scents and colors of the scene around me.
I can recall the feeling of unbridled enthusiasm of Santa’s impending arrival and the personal torment of a child wondering what he had done to make his parents not want him.

But I need to get back to the subject.
Somewhere during the course of the evening with my foster family……..
With the sound of tearing wrapping paper and empty boxes mixed with the laughter of the adults and their biological child, underneath the shimmering Christmas tree,,,,,
I took it upon myself to commit the ultimate breach in Christmas etiquette.

I was entrusted with prior knowledge of a special gift intended for the master of the house.
As he ever so slowly began the process of unwrapping his “special” gift…..
He also, began the “What did you get me?” game, which I was totally unfamiliar with at this particular time.

I cannot recall if I was exasperated with the speed of the deliberations
or I was attempting to be helpful with the questions from the master of the house.
It may have been a combination of the two.
But regardless of my reasoning….
During the guessing game conducted by the master of the house with his “real” family,
I suddenly and without warning blurted out, “It’s a Tool Box”.

It was as if someone pulled the plug to the volume control.
I have never heard a room go from the bustle and excitement of Christmas, with the tearing of packages and all the electricity that comes with the moment….
To complete silence in a micro second.

I was now the total focus of everyone’s attention.
Which is never a good thing.

Total disgust from the gallery of observers was matched by the murderous expression displayed by the man of the house.
He slowly stood from his chair, stepping over the remnants of packages and his “tool box”.
The only sound I heard were his feet making contact with several pieces of wrapping paper.

He made approximately four strides that seem to take forever to complete in my minds eye.
He bent slowly, until our nose’s nearly touched.
I can smell the spent Pall-Mall’s on his breathe and the sticky sweet smell of, what I now recognize as, Southern Comfort.
Daniel in the Lions Den had nothing on me……

Between clenched teeth he told me that I had ruined Christmas for the whole family.
To be honest, I had figured that much out on my own at this point.
However what I did not anticipate, which to this day baffles me…..
Particularly considering my highly evolved survival skills, is what transpired next.

He struck me so fast on my face with his open hand that I wasn’t quite sure that I had been hit.
However, all doubt left my mind when my buttocks and shoulders made contact with the floor.
I remember the embarrassment of being knocked down, as opposed to the pain of the blow.
It’s funny what you remember sometimes…..

I immediately rolled my body into a ball, in anticipation of being kicked and I wasn’t disappointed.
Fortunately, he was barefooted and didn’t put a lot into it, or use his heel.
After a couple of kicks in quick succession I was told to get up and go to bed, while the rest of the “real” family continued with their holiday celebrations.

Excitement overshadowed any pain that I may have experienced thinking about Santa’s subsequent arrival ….
And my gift to be left with Miss Connie and I drifted off to sleep.
I woke before dawn on Christmas morning.

I remember pacing frantically in my little room and trying not to wake anyone in the house.
I didn’t want to wait for Miss Connie or Mister Ken to bring Santa’s gift to me.
As soon as I knew they were awake I would knock on the door and inquire about Santa’s visit the following evening (I had a plan)

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long for my plan to go into action.
Shortly after the sun came up I smelled two very important and familiar items that Christmas morning.
I smelled Miss Connie’s coffee pot and Mister Ken’s pipe.

Already, in my overalls, I slipped on my boots and quietly made my way out of the duplex to their front door.
Once I was at the front door, I suddenly lost my nerve and found that I couldn’t knock.
I was afraid of disappointment or maybe I was just plain scared, I really don’t remember.

Good fortune was mine this day…..
As I was turning to leave, Mister Ken; God bless him, opened the door…..
And said something about hearing shuffling on the porch, and invited me in to the wonderful smell of Miss Connie’s pancakes.

I soon found myself eating like I was going to the electric chair.
The exquisite taste of those pancakes, mixed with melted butter and maple syrup, washed down with ice cold milk made me momentarily forget all about gifts, packages or Santa.

Miss Connie and Mister Ken had already raised three boys by the time of this story and missed the sounds of boys in their house.
I was always welcome in their modest home and felt warm and safe in their presence.
I don’t think I ever left their house when I wasn’t still chewing some marvelous delight prepared by Miss Connie.

While I was digging into my second helping of pancakes with Mister Ken asking me if I had seen Bart Starr and the Green Bay Packers on the television set..
Miss Connie interrupted and explained that they had found a gift with my name on it, under their tree for me this morning.
Before I had a chance to finish chewing, she had set the gift down on the table next to me.

The paper and ribbon were magnificent.
I had never seen such a package.
Smiling broadly, they encouraged me to go ahead and open it.
With maple syrup on my face and hands I began to tear into “my” package.
I started pealing the paper, and next I broke the seal on the box encasing my Christmas surprise.

Inside the package was a plastic bag holding some one hundred plastic soldiers and the top of the bag was advertising the popular television program “Combat”.
There was an American jeep and a German pillbox in the bag as well.
This was beyond my wildest expectations!
I jumped up from the table hugging them both as tightly as I could and asked them to please thank Santa for me.
I have never received a better gift anytime in my life.

I will never forget that gift, the kindness of those two people, or that particular Christmas on Outer Drive.
In time, I moved on to a series of state homes, and Miss Connie and Mister Ken were to lose their oldest son Jerry, in Vietnam.
But this moment for me is frozen in time.

It doesn’t take much effort to create a memory for someone who doesn’t have much hope.
Take the opportunity to bring a little hope to someone this Christmas season, create a smile or generate laughter in those who need it the most.

Merry Christmas

Post script…

This story is for Connie and Ken who have gone on to meet the Lord.
Two sweeter or loving people have never walked this earth.
They provided a poor child with love and care that will never be forgotten.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2009

RTR
MEB

Time to take a break from shopping and wrapping presents…
Forget about the tinsel and what to get Uncle Todd for Christmas for a minute or two.

Ignore your sibling bragging how your niece is a genius at 10 years old but everyone knows she eats her own boogers.

It is time for the most prestigious college football awards on the World Wide Web.

It’s time for the year end 2009 College Football Wizard Awards
(Please hold your applause)

Did I mention the awards are very prestigious?

Enjoy!

BIG TEN COACH OF YEAR AWARD

Coach Rich Rod of Michigan

I don’t know if he deserves it…
But all the Coaches in the Conference voted for him, presumably because they just “Love” him.

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT (PC) AWARD

Unfortunately this is the world we live in….
So, in honor of this plague that has ruined our nation….

The Politically Correct Award of 2009
Goes to the resident King of PC in the epicenter of all that is Political Correctness

Enclosed is an illustrated example of why he won…..
The below is a photograph of the winner of the award
Choking the “Shiite” of an University Indian Mascot in front of a delegation of NCAA ratchet heads and liberal wussys.

MAO TSE TUNG WEEPING MONKEY AWARD

This award goes to those select people that miss the old dictatorship

The award goes to…….

The Myles Brand disciples of the NCAA

The runner up for this award goes to….

The idiots that “still” follow former Southeastern Conference Commissioner Roy Kramer
If you look up “gibbering jackass” in the dictionary
It says
“See Roy Kramer”

THE RODNEY DANGERFIELD AWARD

The Award named after the late great Rodney Dangerfield
Is for the Player or Team that simply put, “Get’s no respect”.

The Winner is…..

Colt McCoy of the Mighty Texas Longhorns
He is only the winningest Quarterback in the History of College Football
His team has only lost one game in two years by a single second.
He only ran for 175 yards against the Texas Aggies….
Make no mistake he is a force….

The Runner-up for this Award

The Boise State Broncos
They just win and win a lot….
Didn’t they beat the PAC 10 Champion this year too?

EDITORS NOTE: It should be stated the “runner-up” award does not receive a trophy
Instead they will receive a number of coupons from Papa Johns Pizza.

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE COACH OF THE YEAR AWARD

This award goes to “The Man” in T-Town…..

Coach Nick Saban of the Mighty Alabama Crimson Tide

Enough said…

THE 2009 CFB WIZARD LOTTERY WINNER

This award goes to Charlie Weis formerly of Notre Dame; for being given 10 million dollars just to quit coaching the Fighting Irish.

EDITORS NOTE: I wish I had a deal like that one.
Let me be sure I have this right….
If I really suck at this job you will pay me ten years worth of salary to quit?
Ah O.K.

THE AWARD FOR BEST SPORTS MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Goes to…..
Coach Pete Carroll in “Probation” The Reggie Bush Story
It’s destined to be a classic

The runner up for this award in sports cinematography goes to……

Phil Fulmer in “Phil Fulmer and Krispy Kreme: A Love Story”

THE “I’M RUBBER AND YOUR GLUE” AWARD

This magnificent award goes to LeGarrette Blount of the Oregon Quacks.
This young football player put on a beautiful display of “I can dish it out but can’t take it”
after his team was defeated and he was manhandled like a ragdoll early in the season.
Young L-Bee talked mucho smack-O BEFORE the game but when it came to listening to a little payback trash afterward
he reacted like somebody had stolen his pacifier.
Nice hook, buddy. Too bad it might have coast you millions

MOST LIKELY TO BE DEFLOWERED IN THE HOOD AWARD

Mark May of ESPN wins this award hands down.
Mark’s street ‘cred’ ranks even farther down on the charts than his football analytical talent.
With no rhythm or colloquialisms to throw out during his meaningless banter with fellow analyst Lou “Lugie” Holtz,..
Marky Mark was a natural choice.

THE “SEE YOU ON SUNDAY” AWARD

This award goes to a player that is destined to play on Sundays……
The winner is Ryan Mallet Quarterback of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

This kid is crazy good….

The Runner-up for this Award

Goes to….
Shu Nama-ganahi-ziterada-siutyz-opga-grawsztu of the Nebraska Cornhuskers

That guy is good….
But his name goes all the way around his jersey.
Also…
Nobody can pronounce it.

THE BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR AWARD

Goes to….
“What’s his Name” at Pittsburg…..

“What’s his name” won since that self serving jackass from Cincinnati left his team in a lurch for the sunny confines of South Bend.

STEVIE WONDER AWARD

This award goes to the team or teams with the ugliest uniforms in all of college football.

The Winner of this Award continues to amaze….
They consistently conger up color combinations that would baffle a Color Blind person

For the eighth year in a row….
The Winner is the Oregon Ducks!
It is a proven medical fact
If you stare at their uniforms long enough you can actually go blind.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN AWARD

This award goes to two organizations that have an “unnatural” affection for one another.

The winners are….
The University of Southern California Trojans and the NCAA

Congratulations…..
You two make such a cute couple.

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE COACH OF THE YEAR

Dabo Swinney of the Clemson Tigers…..

Not only is he an Alabama product….
He deserves it for bringing the Tigers back from the brink

THE LOYALTY AND INTEGRITY AWARD

This award goes to Brian Kelly
For ditching his undefeated Cincinnati Bearkats and a Sugar Bowl berth to play the Mighty Florida Gators…..
For his “dream job” in South Bend.

Thank you Coach Kelly for giving us all another reason to hate Notre Dame.

Welcome to Loserville Jackass…

THE PYRAMID SCHEME AWARD sponsored by AMWAY

This award goes to the organization that makes billions and billions of dollars
and their work force not only doesn’t get paid, and there is actually a cap on how much they are “allowed” to make during the year.

The winner of the award (again) is the NCAA……

The Runner for the Award is the……

The NIKE Corporation…
Got to love that cheap underage age Asian labor, am I right?

BIG 12 COACH OF THE YEAR

Coach Bo of Nebraska…..

I told you they would be a force to be reckoned with…
No need to thank me…

THE DRUNKEN CRACK WHORE AWARD

This prestigious award goes to
Person or persons or organizations that spend money like there is no tomorrow

This year after careful deliberations and recounting the numerous ballots
it has been determined the winner or winners (if you will) of this prestigious award ends in a tie.

The “Winners” of this award are….
The NCAA and the United States Congress……

EDITORS NOTE: Look at the bright side….
At least the NCAA is spending money that actually “have”

THE MISTER MAGOO AWARD

For the first time in a number of years…..
This award, which is reserved for teams or organizations that turn a blind eye to wrong doing…..
Does not go to the University of Tennessee Volunteers.

EDITORS NOTE: I know I was shocked too

The winner of this award goes to a person “and” an organization.

To the Commissioner of the PAC 10 Conference
and Athletic Director Mike “Hear No Evil, See No Evil” Garret of the University of Southern California Trojans
for refusing and ignoring the numerous infractions committed by the Trojan athletic department.

I will have something out for you all tomorrow afternoon
Just in time for Christmas…

So stay tuned….

RTR
MEB

The “Breaking News” is from what I like to refer to as the “I told you so” file.

Or more specifically…..I like to think of this little piece of news as

“Christmas Comes Early”

But before we get to this wonderful and not so surprising revelation

Let me say, that I have thoroughly enjoyed the emails over the past few years from many of you,
presumably worshiping at the altar of Coach Pete, telling me to “get over” the NCAA “investigation” into the Southern California Trojans.

Ah………
Southern California…..
The People that told you…..
Charles Manson was “misunderstood”
O.J. Simpson was “innocent”
O.J. Mayo didn’t take any “money”

The same people that make fun of the way Southerners talk…
But have a Governor that can’t speak English

I know some of my articles on this topic……
are met with rolling eyes and disappointment regarding my “obsession”
with the apparent lack of concern or sense of justice from the NCAA
when it comes to the rather simple infraction case of Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Coach Pete Trojans.

And I have pointed out on numerous occasions….
The National Sports Media….
ABC Sports
ESPN
CBS Sports
MSN
Sports Illustrated
FOX Sports
College Football News
CNN

None of these “organizations” care or even mention the NCAA “investigation” into the Trojans, Coach Pete or Reggie Bush.
If you wonder why they don’t report on the progress of the “investigation” I will tell you
It’s because they have no creditability or integrity.

That is why Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is here.
(Cue the Applause the sign)

It has been reported Southern California Trojan “star” running back Joe McKnight has been driving around in a Range Rover owned by a Southern California businessman.

The businessman who the vehicle is registered to is Scott Schenter.
Not only is Mr. Schenter’s background in marketing but he previously owned a website called 4joemcknight.com.

But it get’s better……
(Doesn’t it always)

In the words of the articulate and highly educated Joe McKnight

“That car ain’t mine man; it’s my baby’s mommas”

Ah how sweet….Sounds like true love to me.

However…..
It seems that Mr. Schenter purchased the vehicle on behalf of Johanna Beltran McKnight’s girlfriend..
with whom Joe has a young son (hence the enduring and highly respectable term: “Baby’s Momma”)

Mr. Schenter said in his own rambling disjointed explanation with the Los Angeles Times, He purchased the vehicle for Ms Beltran (Joe’s Baby’s Momma)

“Because she is a Schenter family friend who also works for a company…
that may or may not be owned by Schenter’s father and “has a patent to turn nuclear wastes into valuable metals.”
Michelle’s family could not qualify for a car loan, so he bought the car and she takes care of the insurance and the car payments..
which are a little over $500 a month. According to Schenter that is “not a big amount.”

Need I remind you all…..

NCAA bylaw 12.3.1.2 says that a student-athlete shall be ineligible if he, or relatives or friends, accepts transportation or other benefits from agents or marketing representatives.

NCAA bylaw 12.1.2.1.6 prohibits preferential treatment, benefits or services because of the individual’s athletic reputation or skill or payback potential as a professional athlete.

It seems Coach Pete isn’t too concerned…..
(He wasn’t too concerned about the Reggie Bush affair either remember?)

He stated in regards to Joe McKnight not traveling with the rest of the “mighty” Trojans for Saturday’s game in the prestigious Emerald Nut Bowl in San Francisco

EDITORS NOTE: A “Nut” Bowl in San Francisco …..
How appropriate

“He (Joe McKnight) has some paperwork he needs to do and it’s best for him to stay in L.A. so he can be available to finish it.”

EDITORS NOTE: Presumably there are “instructions” on that very important “paperwork”
because if he (Joe McKnight) has to complete anything other than his name we may be waiting until the fourth of July to see anything “completed’.

But there is more….
Isn’t there always?

This isn’t the first time we heard about an NCAA “investigation” into Joe McKnight
Is it?

There was that “little” recruiting violation in getting him to come to Southern California

Please enjoy the following short clip…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

So NCAA, PAC 10 Conference, Southern California Athletic Director and National Sports Media….
Where are you with the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

Where is your creditability and integrity?
Is it a “Situational Honesty” that you employ?

Or is it just those in the South that are cheaters?

Are you spending too much time and money “looking into” the University of Tennessee and their use of hostesses for recruiting?

EDITORS NOTE: Yes I know…..
It’s bad enough I am defending the University of Tennessee

Do you still have “investigators” in the bushes watching which Alabama Crimson Tide players are fishing and what they caught?

Is it just us cheating Southerners that violate NCAA rules and get punished?

The Southern California Trojans have done far worse than the Southern Methodist Mustangs ever did in the 1980’s
yet they have escaped unpunished by the NCAA.
That is why we must either secede from the NCAA or demand they do their damn job.

Don’t come south of the Ohio or Red River peeking into our business if you aren’t willing to “No Shiite investigate” your golden children.

Frankly I have had enough of “Know it All” Yankees from either Indianapolis or Washington D.C.

If you think Southerners won’t fight….

You dumbass Yankees don’t know us very well.

Your regularly scheduled “Awards” Program will resume tomorrow…

ROLL TIDE ROLL

MEB

It’s that time of the year again…..
Excitement is in the air across the college football world….
Well, not so much in Ann Arbor or South Bend….

But other than there……
Alumni, students, fans and players of various universities all around the nation
are getting fired up and geared up for the 2009 Bowl Season.

We will have three different installments of the Bowl season this year.

I wouldn’t want your excitement level to peak to early.

Because with what seems like a never ending list of Bowl games
It would be easy to get lost in the shuffle……….
between the “Preparation H Hemorrhoid Medicine Bowl” and the “Purina Monkey Chow Bowl”.

That’s why I am here
To guide you through these difficult and confusing waters

Before I leave you with the first installment of the Bowl Games

I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas
Or Happy Hanukkah
Or Randy Ramadan

Or whatever it is you may be celebrating this time of year.

But as you go out in the hustle and bustle of shopping this year for the holidays
I want to leave you with a holiday safety tip

If you see a bell ringer dressed like Santa
That smells like Old Granddad and boiled baloney…
Who asks you to reach in his pants pocket for a candy cane….

Don’t do it…..
That story ends with the police arresting Santa and yourself feeling icky.
And before you ask….
No, I don’t want to talk about it…

Enjoy your Bowl Games….

Saturday December 19th

NEW MEXICO BOWL
Wyoming and Fresno State
Many of you may be wondering…
“What’s the difference between “New” Mexico and “Old” Mexico?
After all Geography isn’t taught in schools like it once was..
Let me help you out here…
The difference is rather simple..
In “New” Mexico there is cleaner water, better roads and more Mexicans.
I hope that helps
BULLDOGS 34-21

ST PETERSBURG BOWL
Rutgers and Central Florida
I don’t know about you…
But I don’t know if this game is in Russia, Florida or Heaven.
Doesn’t matter…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-17

Sunday December 20th

R&L CARRIERS BOWL
New Orleans Super Dome
Middle Tennessee State and Southern Miss
Is it just me….
Or does “R&L Carriers” sound like a virus you could catch from eating tainted meat?
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-28

Tuesday December 22nd

MACCO LAS VEGAS BOWL
Oregon State and Brigham Young
I believe in the Power of the Beaver…
Enough said…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-24

Wednesday December 23rd

SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION POINSETTIA BOWL
Utah and California
It’s a shame the name of this Bowl isn’t long enough…
But if they wanted to give this bowl a title that was appropriate for the area
They would call it….
“The Illegal Aliens Rainbow Flag waving Wild Fires Mud Slides Outrageous Taxes Traffic from Hell itself Bowl”
Yeah, that sums it up nicely.

In case you didn’t know….
We are one day away from when Santa fly’s around to
Deliver toys to all the Ute’s that were good last year.
Miss Kaye for the last time in 2009, this one is for you…
TWO UTES 38-34

Thursday December 24th

SHERATON HAWAII BOWL
Nevada and Southern Methodist
I know what you are thinking here…
The Wolf Pack has one of the most potent running attacks in the nation…
But this game is in Hawaii and that means two things.
A “Dog the Bounty Hunter Christmas Special”….
And Coach June Jones is coming back to the Big Island…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

This weekend we will have some “other” lesser known Bowl match-ups and…..
Your CFB Wizard season ending awards

So Stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

Although this is your last regular weekly college football pick….
The season is far from over; we still have the 2009 Bowl Game Spectacular
And Your College Football Prognosticators end of the season Awards.
They are very prestigious.

The CFB Wizard Christmas “Special”

And somewhere between now and the end of the year
We will catch up with Hootie Snitch and get his “unique” perspective on college football.

So have no fear your stockings will not be empty this year…..

This past week I was 10 and 4 or 71%, but I won the most important game on my list.

For the 2009 season (minus the one game we have this week)
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 574 and 165 or a steady 78%

We will go “old school” in this week’s pick
The same format I used to have “back in the day”

There will be reader email questions and answers…..
Along with News from around the College Football World and the pick for the Army-Navy game.

It’s been a great ride this year, thank you all for coming along.

Enjoy!

TEAM NEWS

TENNESSEE: This week it was reported the NCAA is “investigating” the Volunteers for recruiting violations.
The charges revolve around the use of university “hostesses” in the recruiting process.
Notice I didn’t say “Hookers”…..
Because I have on good authority Coach Rich Rod’s wife wasn’t in Knoxville at the time of the alleged incidents.
But you want to know what I think, here you go…
Nobody and I mean NOBODY is harder on the Volunteers than yours truly.
So here is my solution to this vexing problem.
The member universities of the Southeastern Conference ask the NCAA and their team of talented “investigators”
about the status of the University of Southern California Trojan “investigation” into Reggie Bush.
We already know what the answer will be, don’t we?
So collectively and individually the universities tell the NCAA to kiss our Southern Ass until Coach Pete and the Trojans are punished, until then don’t let us catch one of your candy ass “investigators” on our campuses.
NCAA, you want to punish us? You might want to check with ABC Sports, CBS Sports and ESPN and ALL the folks paying that big money for commercial time on the major networks too.
And Until I hear or read about Coach Pete and the Trojans being punished;
I don’t want to hear a damn thing about the Volunteers “violations” of NCAA rules.

NOTRE DAME: This past week Charlie Weis was dismissed from the Fighting Irish
The national sports media descended on Charlie because he dared to allude to a “certain” Coach living in Malibu…..
With a grad student, without his wife’s knowledge.
Everybody jumped on board…
Some called Charlie “bitter” and some said he was
“Burning every bridge on the way out of South Bend”
Because, after all….
We can’t criticize Coach Pete, what is he now sixth in the PAC 10 Conference?
That Star-Kist Tuna Bowl is looking pretty sweet about now, am I right Coach Pete?

This just goes to show you how screwed up our Sports Media really is…
How about asking Coach Pete about the babe at the beach
If not that, how about asking him about the Reggie Bush investigation?

KANSAS: As you may have read, Coach Mark Mangino retired as the Jayhawks Football Coach.
Some have criticized him for the way he treated his players.
Others claimed he left because Kansas had a bad season.
The truth is, Coach Mark had nothing left to prove.
He won an Orange Bowl and he beat anorexia
Enough said..

FAT PHIL FUMER: It was reported this week that “Fat Phil Fulmer” is interested in the Notre Dame coaching job. But what was not reported was that Coach Phil went through his 6 million dollar golden handshake the University of Tennessee gave him to get his fat ass off Beacon Hill, by binging on Krispy Kreme Bear Claws and Jelly Donuts.

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure Notre Dame would be interested in Coach Phil,
If they wanted a paranoid liar and someone that would “work like heck” and didn’t mind his players raping underage mentally challenged girls in the Athletic dorm.

OREGON: I was going to try and say something positive here about the Quacks win in the annual Civil War.
But, I keep drawing a blank.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I was going to say something how asinine Coach Pete and the Trojans acted
when they scored on UCLA with 48 seconds left, but you all knew that already.
So instead, I will say this….
Seriously, no Shiite you all aren’t on NCAA probation yet?

CARSON NEWMAN: After Coach Spark’s Eagles beat the Mighty Lions of North Alabama,
I would have thought they were a lock for the Division II Championship.
That was until they got derailed by Grand Valley State…
Great season Eagles; see you all in Florence next year.

AP VOTERS: For the AP voters that voted Southern California “Number One” for the first three weeks of season, and continued to do your best to keep them hanging around the top ten until the Stanford Cardinal rode them like a rented tractor.
You should ALL be ashamed of yourselves.

FLORIDA: A lot has been said this past week about Tim Tebow
and it would be easy for me to jump on the bandwagon, but you expect more from me.
I respect a player that is passionate about winning and losing.
He is a Class act, nothing but class.

LOUISVILLE: I am glad Charlie Strong finally gets a shot at being a head coach on a big stage.
Not because he’s black, but because he is one hell of a damn football coach.
The Cardinals got a fine man and one great coach.
Congratulations
:
CLEMSON: The fact C. J. Spiller wasn’t invited to the Heisman Trophy ceremony is another illustrated example of how little the national sports writers really know about college football.

NCAA: Soooooooo When can we expect to hear something (anything) about the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Now that “Father Time” has retired from Seminole University, it’s Jimbo time in Tallahassee. When I read that again, it sounds like his tenure should come with a bag of peanuts.
Never mind…

MICHIGAN: I have some Good News for Wolverine Fans!
With the economy being what it is….
You don’t have to worry about traveling to a Bowl game (again) this year!
Think of the savings!
Glad I could help…

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,
I just want to start this off by saying that I’m appalled by the accusation made by former Notre Dame Head Coach, Charlie Weis. It’s bad enough that this man cannot and will not simply exit gracefully from South Bend, but he also has to attempt to drag down and great man like University of Southern California Head Coach, Pete Carroll. I do want to set the record straight so all will not have the wrong impression. The “graduate” student in question is not a female, but, rather a young man near and dear to Pete’s heart. Attached is a photograph of the innocent victims as they stare longingly into one another’s eyes and share a passionate moment.
So, as you can see, if it’s a dude, he’s not really, technically “cheating” on his wife.
Jimmy – Long Beach, California

A: This explains Coach Pete’s love of Kenny Chesney records.

Q: Mr Wizard,
I am so disgusted with you and all of you media people making fun of my absolutely FAVORITE player, Tim Tebow. I just want you to know that if Tim Tebow was crying then there would have been flooding in Atlanta. Tim Tebow doesn’t do things like all of us normal people he does EVERYTHING better. If Tim Tebow wanted to win that game then my absolute FAVORITE football player would have made my absolute FAVORITE football team win about 55 to nothing. But he didn’t. And do you know why? CAUSE HE AINT SELFISH!!! He’s done won him a Heisman and a couple of National Championships and he wanted to share all his good fortune with them boys from Alabama. Did you see how he didn’t get that many yards running the ball? Did you see how he generously threw that ball to the Crimpson Tide fella in the end zone towards the end of the game? That proves it!!!
So LEAVE MY HEART THROB TIM TEBOW ALONE!!!
Go Gators FOREVER!!!
Tracy in Homassassa

A: Tracy don’t get your Daisy Dukes is a twist; Timmy is nothing but class in my book.

Q: Dear Sir,
As a loyal alumnus of the University of Tennessee, I must take issue with the recent reports from the New York Times and other media outlets regarding the Universities use of “Hostesses” to assist with the recruiting effort. Just for the record, these comely young ladies are as innocent and pure as the driven snow and represent the wholesomeness of the university. Further, these ladies voluntarily travel to various recruit’s home towns to represent our fine institution at their high school football games and also, greet and assist young men on their recruiting trips to Knoxville in satisfying their various needs. In no way is this a violation of any rules. Here is a recent photo of these fine young ladies in their greeting attire, dressed to impress, as they await another young recruit to arrive on the field at Rocky Top.
Beavis Bowers – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: My first thought….
You all need to get a dental school in Tennessee…

Q: Dear Sir,
I don’t know if you’ve heard about it or not, but there is a story out stating that Coach Mark Mangino verbally abused his players. Sir, I was one of those players and I come forward to you with this letter as additional proof of what an absolute brute that man is.
One day while I was moussing my hair, this overgrown orangutan came in and jostled me in the middle of combing and preening!! I mean, I spent over 20 minutes trying to get it just right and he hits my elbow and makes me mess up this masterpiece!! Then, he had the unmitigated gall to say, “Hey pretty-boy, you’re boyfriend waiting on you or something?” Well, needless to say, I was outraged. On another occasion, while in the dressing room, he came upon me from behind and popped me with my jock strap!! I stood there humiliated and red-faced while all my teammates laughed and giggled.
This degrading behavior will no longer be tolerated by me or friends on the team.
I told my mom and she said I should write you.
So what do you think Mr. Wizard? Is he an animal or what!?!?
Philo Van Assderbilt – Lawrence, Kansas

A: I think you and your teammates that complained about such treatment wouldn’t last long enough at a Southeastern Conference School to find the damn men’s room.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am a Private Investigator here in Los Angeles.
I don’t know who else to turn to with the evidence I gathered…
Below is a transcript of a recent conversation I recorded between two well known coaches with a “bionic ear” during a pregame.
Picture is enclosed…
Anonymous – Los Angeles, California

Carroll: You know, Charlie, I’ve got this place up in Malibu….

Weis: Reeeeeeealllly?

Carroll: Well, yeah….and you know you’re kind of cute in a Ned Beatty kind of way…..
Can you squeal like a pig?

Weis: Yessssssssss, oh yesssssss…… By the way, how do you like my hourglass figure?
It took me 20 minutes to get my belt this tight….. all for YOU Petey!!!

A: One word: Creepy

THE PICK

Saturday December 12th

Army and Navy
These aren’t two of the best teams in the nation
But they do have some of the best young men in the nation.
Be sure and watch the pregame pageantry
And don’t miss the traditional post game action.
It will make you feel good about America
MIDSHIPMEN 31-17

Enjoy your Weekend
There is more to come….
So Stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

“To Be the Man, you have to beat the Man”

Saturday night in Atlanta at the Georgia Dome….
The Southeastern Conference Championship game….

The Alabama Crimson Tide didn’t just beat the man….
They took him behind the woodshed and wore his ass out.

Many of you were kind enough to email me asking my thoughts about this game

Here they are….
In no particular order

EDITORS NOTE: Please forgive me, it’s been a while

Some experts said before the game “if” Alabama could keep the contest close
The Tide “might” have a shot at playing the Mighty Florida Gators (again) in the National Championship game.

Some even claimed this game was going to be a “Classic”
I guess it was if you spell “classic” B-L-O-W O-U-T

But to be honest I felt good about this game
My confidence was not misplaced
Before the game a calm Alabama Quarterback, Greg McElroy
addressed his offence with this simple sentence, spoken in a calm, but excited voice
“Let’s go win a championship boys”

Then I saw the Alabama defensive player with eye black similar to Tim Tebow’s
It had a Bible verse on it too…
Ezekiel under one eye and 20:29 under the other eye
This Bible verse reads……
“Then I said unto them, what is the high place whereunto you go? And the name thereof is called Ba’mah unto this day”

No jumping around…
No screaming or flexing muscles and cockiness

Just Business from the boys in Crimson

The Alabama Crimson Tide limited the Florida Gators to “13” points for the entire game, Believe that?
While Rolling up almost 500 yards of total offense against the “Number One” defense in College Football.

Something else we all learned in this game….
Superman doesn’t wear “Number 15” as the Gator Nation would want you to believe

He has a “2” in his equation
Like say…
“12”
“22”
“25”
“28”
“62”

I don’t know if Mark Ingram will win the Heisman Trophy from this game

But I can tell you who won’t….

But the Florida Gators should have known at Half-Time this wasn’t going to end well.

In the Dr. Pepper Challenge for a Hundred Thousand Dollar College Scholarship…..
Two people were selected to throw ten footballs into an oversized Dr. Pepper Can from ten yards away.

There was a young man from Florida out on the field doing the “Gator Chomp” and saying…..
he was going “Ten for Ten” and then while doing the Gator Chomp felt obligated to yell, “Go Gators!”

The other young person was a young lady from Alabama….
that according to her “just learned to throw a football” and she said
“her high school football coach taught her how to throw it”

The competition started…..
And the little girl from Alabama that just learned how to throw a football beat the boy doing the gator chomp.

It was a sign of things to come

In the second half the Crimson Tide made Urban sweat and Timmy cry…

No moral victories, no fourth quarter comebacks
No matter how many times CBS Sports….
Showed replays of last years SEC Championship game

This was the Alabama Crimson Tide’s night

They simply dominated the Gators in every phase of the game…..
and now the Crimson Tide are the Southeastern Conference Champions
and will have the opportunity to play for the National Championship

I know this article will upset the commentators and sideline reporters from CBS Sports….
who have carried on a Love Fest with Urban Myer and Tim Tebow all year.

But I suspect they are still on the “suicide hotline” and won’t have time to read it.

Forgive me, I’m still excited

I will have more later on in the week…….
Including emails and other news about this game and the other games from last week.

But for now, I am still celebrating…

ROLL TIDE ROLL

MEB

Despite the emotional roller coaster the majority of us experienced during Thanksgiving

And I am not referencing Aunt Edna’s bathroom “issues” either…
That’s a totally separate issue…

No I am talking about our beloved college football rivalries
And we aren’t finished yet….
This week we have the “Civil War”
And……..
The Conference Championship Games

But before we get to these and other games….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 31 and 14 or 69% during the rough and tumble rivalry week
and that leaves me at 564 and 161 for the season holding steady at 78%.

Not too bad considering it was “Rivalry Week”

Enjoy your games!

Thursday December 3rd

Oregon State at Oregon
This game is called the “Civil War” for a reason….
But make no mistake, there is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry…
I won’t belabor the point here, but last year the Quackers upset the Beavers..
This year the beavers return the “Favor”
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-28

Friday December 4th

Ohio at Central Michigan
I know Coach Frank’s Bobcat’s have been tough as of late….
But there is something they way Coach Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s that makes me believe
It might be the way he spits on Mark May when he says it, never mind..
I’m a believer
CHIPPEWA’S 34-28

Saturday December 5th

Cincinnati at Pittsburg
Who would have believed this headline back in August?
The BearKats go undefeated….
Believe it….
BEARKATS 31-17

West Virginia at Rutgers
The only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if my Italian American friends “get involved”
They told me that wouldn’t…
So, Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Fresno State at Illinois
I know it’s not October, so a Fighting Pumpkin reference seems out of place
Unless you like pumpkin pie, which I do…
So the reference is still good
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

New Mexico State at Boise State
Remember when I picked the Bronco’s to go undefeated at the beginning of the season?
Yeah, I was right (Please hold your applause until the end of the picks)
BRONCO’S 44-17

Arizona at Southern California
I heard a really good joke the other day, you want to hear it?
What’s the difference between Coach Pete and a whiny sniveling self absorbed jackass?
None….That’s funny as hell isn’t it?
WILDCATS 28-21

California at Washington
This game will be a lot like the Southeastern Conference Championship game.
Minus the fans, the marquee players, the shot at the National Championship and the television viewership, but other than that it’s exactly the same.
HUSKIES 28-24

South Florida at Connecticut
The boys from Tampa Town have been beaten up as of late
and this game will be no exception and that’s no bull
HUSKIES 28-17

Carson Newman at Grand Valley State
Coach Spark’s Eagles beat my Lions in Florence last Saturday.
Avenging their loss to them earlier in the year and advancing in the Division II playoffs
The best ground game in Division II college football rolls this Saturday
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Wisconsin at Hawaii
I wonder if Dog the Bounty Hunter likes Cheese?
Behold the Power of Cheese….
BADGERS 34-21

Atlantic Coast Conference Championship
Clemson and Georgia Tech
Both teams lost their rivalry games with their instate Southeastern Conference opponents
But that doesn’t mean this game is any less important..
This is the second game of the season between these two teams…
The first game was a wild one…
This one won’t be any different
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Big 12 Championship
Nebraska and Texas
The Children of the Corn will keep this one close with the Black Shirts working overtime
But the Longhorns are headed to the National Championship game
Believe it…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Southeastern Conference Championship
Alabama and Florida
A Clash for the ages….
My Friends there are no “losers” here
CRIMSON TIDE 24-20

There is more to come with Hootie Snitch and next weeks picks…
So Stay tuned…

Have Great weekend…

RTR
MEB

The rumors are true….
Today Coach Bobby Bowden stepped down
As the Head Coach of the Florida State Seminoles

We will talk about this monumental event
Some College football news from around the country
And take some rather angry emails from you my beloved readers

Today is a sad day throughout the Seminole Nation…
They are acting like they lost their Casino license…

So let’s get to it…

As you know by now Coach Bobby Bowden retired today….
Some have said it’s because he is “too old” to Coach

I say that’s baloney
Sure, Coach Bobby is “old”…
That goes without saying…

I even have a picture of Coach Bobby “before” he was known as Coach Bobby
This picture was taken at the White House after….
He was decorated by President William McKinley for leading troops up San Juan Hill.

Coach Bobby is nothing short of a Legend….

As we have chronicled in past articles…..

A “Reality Television Star”
Who isn’t looking forward to seeing “Bobby’s Boys”?

The camping scene when Bobby and his “Boys” are cooking out
When he tells Tommy….
“Get your hands off my wiener”
Priceless

For those of you worried about what Coach Bobby will do in “retirement”

Have no fear my friends

Coach Bobby “always” has a plan

Coach Bobby will soon be seen on the QVC Channel
In “Bling Bling with Coach Bobby B”

It’s going to be glorious…

TIGER WOODS

As you all know by now I do not mix my sports together…
However, with my beloved college football coverage being constantly interrupted this past weekend with Tiger’s “accident”
and along with the nauseating blubbering from television commentators about his “condition” after his “accident”
I feel obligated to weight in….

Let me be sure I got this right….
Tiger couldn’t pull out of his own drive way at what 10 miles an hour?
Without hitting a fire hydrant…

EDITORS NOTE: What? Did the Fire Department, just place it there over night?

And then….at least according to the “News” careened off the fire hydrant into a tree and at what…15 miles an hour?
Ok, you want my thoughts….
Here goes….
If Tiger can’t pull out of his own damn drive way without bouncing off a fire hydrant and hitting a tree…
Then I don’t want to receive another email asking “Why there aren’t enough minorities in NASCAR”

EDITORS NOTE: And we all really supposed to believe
His wife didn’t take a driver to the driver?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA & UCLA

Let me be sure I have this right….
Poor Coach Pete of U$C was “upset” with the Coach of Stanford because..
The Cardinal went for two points late in the game against the “great” Trojan defense, when the game was well in hand.
Yet, when the Trojans were up this past weekend against UCLA…
Coach Pete opted to launch a touchdown pass to “run up” the score against the Bruins.

That’s the essence of why we hate them….
Coach Pete Carroll and the Trojans and Bullies when they can be…
But cry babies when it comes back around….

FOX SPORTS

Fox reporter and noted Southern California Trojan lover Lisa Horne
Wrote and article this week entitled
“Why this college football season stunk”

Ah, could it be that her Trojans had a “bad” year?
I have an idea!
How about writing on the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans!
That should keep her ass busy for a while.

NCAA

Seriously, where are you with the “BIG” Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
If you think I am going to let this go, you are wrong.

CBS SPORTS

For those of you that witnessed the CBS coverage of the Gator – Seminole game this weekend, I want to clear up an ugly rumor that has been circulating the cyber world.

Noted CBS College Football commentator Vern Lundquist….
Is NOT pregnant with Tim Tebow’s baby…

Vern is just a fat syphilitic troll that happens to be in love with Tim.

Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding

NOTRE DAME & COACH CHARLIE
The Fighting Irish Athletic Administration dismissed Coach Charlie Weis this week
Many of you have written me, worried about his future….

Have no fear by beloved readers….
I have on “good authority” that Coach Charlie Weis
Will be the “new” Kool Aide Guy!

I think he’s perfect!
I can hardly wait for his commercials!

EMAILS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Sir,
As an alumni of Florida State University…
I would just like to express my disappointment in your incessant baiting of Coach Bobby Bowden.
As you know, Coach Bowden was only a few wins short of the blind guy, Joe Paterno of Penn State.
But, the important thing was not the wins, it was the longevity.
You see, as a member of the Seminole club, I know the wins were not as important as one may think.
No, Coach Bowden was going for a much better record.
Oldest Coach!!!!!
Yes, our coach Bobby Bowden could have had that illustrious distinction and gone down in the Guinness Book of World Records as oldest coach if he could have kept going for only 13 more years. And with his health being as good as it was, what would stop him from going until he was at least 100?
I know, I know, he seemed like he just loved to look at the grass or the little cartoons they drew for him on the play card, but that was the beauty of it all.
He could just stand there harmlessly, watch the ballgame, and wonder who was playing. Sadly, I think you may have contributed to his coaching demise with the ever present and constant degrading remarks and endless badgering.
I’m sad for you, Mr Wizard, but Coach Bobby is going on to a better place…….
Sun City, Arizona.
I heard he’s already picked out a name for his Fantasy Football Team: The Old Gray Mares That Got Kicked Out of Tallahassee.
Tammy in Tallahassee

A: Glad I could help Tammy…

Q: Hey, you, wizard boy,
Yeah, I didn’t even capitalize you name cause I HATE YOU!!!!
You make me SICK!!!
The coach of my BELOVED IRISH got fired today ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!!! Everything was okay until you put that stuff on your page the other day about moving “up” to the Colonial Athletic Association and playing for a FCS National Championship. AREN’T YOU CLEVER!!!?!
Then you had to put that ugly picture of Jimmy Clausen in his speedo’s on there.
WELL, HA HA HA!!!(Do you have one of those pictures with a frontal shot? I couldn’t see anything) And then you put that letter from the Pope on there.
YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!!! Or purgatory, whichever comes first.
By the way, could you tell the Pope that I’ve been really good and that the boy I was with after the Pitt game, well I don’t want to talk about it.
I know how he feels about promiscuousness and birth control.
But, other than that, I want you to BURN!!!!
Sophie – South Bend, Indiana

A: Sophie, say 12 “Hail Bryant’s” and you will fell better, I promise.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’m just as mad as a person could be.
Tim Tebow is such a SELFISH person that I can’t believe it.
You know, I was at the Florida-Florida State game, and during the walk up to the stadium I saw him cure a blind guy and healed two guys in wheelchairs.
But, do you think he’d go over to the Seminole locker room and cure our Quarterback so we could have a fair game? Nooooooooo. And his name is Christian!!!
I just think he could have helped us out and maybe we could have made a couple of touchdowns, that’s all I’m saying
Perry – Fort Walton Beach, Florida

A: Perry I don’t think even Billy Graham….
Could have saved the Seminole quarterback last week

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Did you just see the SEC commercial?
All the schools had things on their signs like “invented bionic arm” or “cured cancer” something exotic all except Florida…
“Invented Gatorade”
Dave – Athens, Georgia

A: Well, did you see the sign for the University of Tennessee?
It says…”We can spell Tang”

Q: Mike, I know this is going to get your blood up..
But did you see the article on PETA wanting The University of Georgia to replace UGA VII with a robot or a costumed person.
Saying that using a “live” English Bulldog on the sideline is to stressful for a breed that has so many medical problems.
What do you think?
Mark – Hattiesburg, Mississippi

A: Mark I will tell you what I think….
That kind of thinking just proves that my theory is correct…
“Some people just need killing”

Your Picks will be out tomorrow…

Just in time for the “Civil War”

So stay tuned

RTR
MEB

As a disciple of Coach Bryant let me put this in his terms……

“Win without bragging and lose without excuse”

Great game Tigers, see you all next year in T-Town.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t you wish everyone acted that way?

Now on to something vitally important to many of you

Are you depressed and despondent after this past weekend?

Are you upset with the way your team played in their most important rivalry?

Are you confused and angry about the outcome of “your” game or the family visits during Thanksgiving?

Did Aunt Edna clog the toilet again this year?

My friends…….
I have the answer to make it all better…….

When things are bleak…….
If you feel there is no hope left……..
Your emotions are drained…….

All because your team let you down against your most hated rival.

While you were attempting to unclog the toilet after Aunt Edna “downloaded”

Do what I do in such circumstances…..

Find something or someone in this case to laugh at…….

Case in point……

There is a website out in cyber world called….

http://www.meet-an-inmate.com/

EDITORS NOTE: DO NOT JUDGE ME!

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator does a lot of “research” to find the fascinating, strange and unusual for you my beloved readers. Some “research” even involves the occasional midget, so please don’t write me asking if I have a “Death Row Honey”. She’s only doing 5 to 10. Plus, I’m pretty sure she’s innocent.

Yet I digress….
Each Lady on the website has a picture, that will not be posted here…..
Along with a brief description of themselves to entice the reader to write them and become pen-pals or possibly…
Move the “relationship” to another level, say like Cell Block D.

Anyway…..

One such unfortunate lady……
Named “Melissa” from Fort Worth used these soul stirring words to describe herself….

“Rescue Me! Southern “Belle” SEEKING MR. RIGHT
I love to laugh……
I love to have Fun, Very adventurous, not much I haven’t done, not too much I won’t try!
I love the Ocean….
I love Peace….
I love music, writing, shopping….
I love making love on the beach and screwing when I am drunk!
I love Jesus, expensive purses and non-judgmental people”

EDITORS NOTE: See…..
You don’t feel so bad about yourself now, do you?

No need to thank me, it’s how I roll.

It’s a Thug Life

More later in the Week….

RTR
MEB

Today is Thanksgiving….
To most people that means three things….
Family, food and football….
And not necessarily in that order…

We have a cornucopia of rivalries this weekend……
Overflowing with hate and discontent…..
Ah, Good Times…

I can hardly wait to dig in, but before we do
Let’s be thankful for what we have and not grumble about what we don’t have….

For example, I am thankful last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…..
was a rather “average” 41 and 11 or 79%, leaving me at 533 and 147 or 78% for the season.
(Noticed how I weaved the weekly statistics in so inconspicuously…..)

All things considered, we all have it pretty damn good

Happy Thanksgiving to you all

Enjoy your games!

Thursday November 26th

Texas at Texas A&M
The Lone Star Showdown
I remember the cheap shots on Colt McCoy…….
and the “down horns” signs by the Aggie players a couple of years ago…..
the bad news…..
The Longhorns remember it too….
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 43-17

Tuskegee at Alabama State
The “Turkey Day Classic” as it is known, has been played since 1901.
Which coincidently is the same year Coach Bobby was born….
GOLDEN TIGERS 24-21

Friday November 27th

Nevada at Boise State
This isn’t a rivalry game…..
It’s just and Old Fashioned Boise State ass whipping
BRONCOS 38-23

Illinois at Cincinnati
Some people are calling for a Fighting Pumpkin “Upset”
I don’t happen to be one of “those” people
BEARKATS 33-17

Rutgers at Louisville
After the Scarlet Knights lost last week to (of all teams…)
Syracuse…
The Jersey Campus was reported to have smelled like old pancakes and shame…
But then they realized they lived in New Jersey, which explained the smell.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 24-17

Toledo at Bowling Green
This is the Battle of I-75 for the coveted “Peace Pipe”
The trophy alone tells you this isn’t a fierce rivalry.
If it was a serious rivalry, the word “peace” wouldn’t be in the equation.
FALCONS 24-20

Pittsburg at West Virginia
The Backyard Brawl
The name says it all…..
Two neighbors battle it out on a chilly night in Morgantown
Light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21

Northern Illinois at Central Michigan
This game isn’t a rivalry and it isn’t a backyard brawl…
It’s about Chippewa’s riding the Huskies like midgets in a rodeo
Sorry for the visual….
That disturbed me a little bit too..
CHIPPEWA’S 34-13

Wyoming at Colorado State
This rivalry is known as “The Border War” and it is played each year for
“The Bronze Boot”….
The rams get the boot this year, but not where they thought they were going to get it..
COWBOY UP! 28-17

Temple at Ohio
The Bobcats are playing well, but the Owls are inspired…
HOOT OWLS 33-21

Buffalo at Kent State
It’s Thanksgiving for Goodness sake….
Who wants to think about the “Golden Flashes” this time of the year?
Makes you think about Grandma getting in the dinner wine and flashing the guests
NO BULL 38-10

Nebraska at Colorado
The Children of the Corn haven’t forgotten……..
About the pasting the Buffalos gave them a few years ago…..
in fact they are still down right sore about it.
That isn’t good news for Ralphie
CORNHUSKERS 31-17

Memphis at Tulsa
I would care about this game…..
But the Iron Bowl is getting ready to come on.
Sorry…
HURRICANES OF GOLDEN 24-20

Alabama at Auburn
The Iron Bowl
The name says it all….
CRIMSON TIDE 24-14

Saturday November 20th

Florida State at Florida
This is the Sunshine State Showdown
It is played for the Governors Cup
The Tallahassee paper has reported this week…
Coach Bobby is “ready” for the game….
What they “meant” to say was ….
Coach Bobby is “ready” to go to the bathroom without assistance…
Not that this story has anything to do with Thanksgiving…
But it is the season of “sharing”, so I felt obligated to share.
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17

Virginia Tech at Virginia
In Virginia nothing is as important as the “Commonwealth Cup”
Which by my estimation……
Will stay in Blacksburg until Hell freezes over.
MIGHTY HOKIES 33-17

Miami (FL) at South Florida
Unless you have seen an actual Hurricane….
Loose in your house you cannot discount their power or destruction.
In case you were wondering, “yes”…..
I am referring to the Thanksgiving when my sister-in-law visited two years ago.
The Damage is as yet to be fully assessed.
HURRICANES 33-14

Oklahoma State at Oklahoma
The Bedlam Game for the Bedlam Bell
There is nothing more important today in the Great State of Oklahoma…
Not Births, not deaths, not bar mitzvahs, not anything.
This is it….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Carson Newman at North Alabama
The quarter finals of the Division II College Football Playoffs
These teams played each other earlier in the season, with the Lions winning.
Different day, same result….
MIGHTY LIONS ROAR 34-31

Missouri at Kansas
This game is called the Border War….
It’s played for the “Indian War Drum” and the Lamar Hunt Trophy
Some still call this a “Civil War”, but make no mistake…
There is nothing “Civil” about this rivalry
MO’S TIGERS 38-14

Georgia at Georgia Tech
Sure, this game is for the “Governors Cup”
But this rivalry is known as “Clean Old Fashioned Hated”
That my friends, sums it up nicely….
YELLOW JACKETS 31-28

Clemson at South Carolina
The game is called the “Battle of the Palmetto State”
Coach Sweeny is an Alabama man….
And that’s good enough for me…
DABO’S TIGER 33-17

Grambling State at Southern University
The Bayou Classic
Have I mentioned lately that I’m a Coach Rob guy?
I have?
Good, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page
ROB’S TIGERS 38-17

Rice at Houston
The Battle for the Bayou Bucket
My favorite pudding gets whipped in H-Town…
Believe it…
COUGARS 43-14

Arizona at Arizona State
This instate rivalry is affectionately known as the “Duel in the Desert”
And it’s played for the “Territorial Cup”
Which I think resembles a bucket of sand….
WILDCATS 24-21

Tennessee at Kentucky
This game has always been known as “The Battle for the Beer Barrel”
And the keg goes to…..
WILDCAT BLUE 33-24

Boston College at Maryland
This game promises chills and thrills…
Who am I kidding nobody is going to watch this damn game…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-17

Wake Forest at Duke
Demon Deacons and Blue Devils….
Kind of sounds like Jimmy Swaggart holding his breath…..
DEMON DEACONS 28-24

North Carolina at North Carolina State
The Battle for Tobacco Road…..
The Heels have a tough defense and State has an amazing engineering department
Yeah, this one shouldn’t be too tough….
TAR OF HEELS 33-13

Texas Tech at Baylor
I doubted the power of the Red Raider’s last week…
I thank everyone in the Red Raider nation for pointing my error out….
I should have known better…
Lubbock is the Home of Buddy Holley…
Enough said, Peggy Sue
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 43-21

Washington State at Washington
This instate rivalry game is played for the “Apple Cup”
Please note…..
If your “rivalry” game has a flower, a fruit or any members of the “Village People”
In the name, then it doesn’t count as a “real” rivalry, sorry.
I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.
HUSKIES 17-10

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
The Egg Bowl….
Few rivalries outside the Iron Bowl are bitterer than this contest….
I can feel the heads of Mississippians nodding everywhere….
I wish I had better news Bulldog Jim….
REBELS 33-17

Syracuse at Connecticut
Not that I care because I don’t…….
But I have obligations too….
HUSKIES 24-21

New Mexico at Texas Christian
I can’t say that I have actually seen a horned amphibian ride a Lobo…
Not even on the Animal Planet….
But rules like records are meant to be broken…
(My personal motto….)
HORNED FROGS 43-10

Southern Miss at East Carolina
I have gotten back in good graces with my Hattiesburg faithful…
So I don’t intend on taking a step backwards at this point….
Let’s face it….
Few things in life are as good as Mississippi BBQ….
A man has to have his priorities….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-17

Central Florida at UAB
What the hell is a “Blazer” anyway?
Something on sale from the Men’s Warehouse?
That’s a stupid mascot….
Everybody Run! Here comes a Sport Coat!
I don’t get it…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-17

Tulane at Southern Methodist
My Proud Ponies are a “win” a way from going to a Bowl game…
They won’t disappoint me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-23

Marshall at Texas El Paso
Three simple words here….
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-24

Utah at Brigham Young
This is the “Holy War” for the “Beehive Boot”
I can’t say I have ever put my foot in a boot full of bees….
But I saw this dumbass in Michigan once…
Never mind those people from Michigan have suffered enough…
TWO UTES 33-31

Utah State at Idaho
This game is being played at the home of the Vandals….
I respect people whose mascot looks like a foam rubber Genghis Khan…
THE MIGHTY KHANS 38-17

Arkansas at LSU
The Battle for the four foot tall “Golden Boot”
The past two years it has resided in Fayetteville….
There won’t be a change of address left at the Post Office this year….
RAZORBACKS 34-24

Notre Dame at Stanford
The winner of this game wins the “Legends Trophy”
I am assuming by the title it has Knute Rockne’s skull atop the trophy…
Which is creepy…
CARDINAL 34-31

New Mexico State at San Jose State
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet has a “Thanksgiving” Special
On the dental hygiene of the platypus
Don’t laugh….
It will be a hell of a lot more entertaining than this game…
JOSE CUERVO 34-10

UCLA at Southern California
The Battle in the City of Botox Angels for the “Victory Bell”
Gosh, I would care, but I have to do my laundry, sorry….
BRUINS 33-31

Navy at Hawaii
This game reminds me….
I want to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
I love those guys…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-17

I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving….
And a great weekend of college football….

Stay tuned…
There is more to come..

RTR
MEB

In Alabama you have to make a choice…..
It’s one or the other…
We aren’t much for fence riders or folks on middle ground…..
And don’t give us that crap “how you like both teams”
You can’t, it’s impossible…
Saying that just makes you a wussy, or worse….
A damn yankee…

It’s the Alabama Crimson Tide and The Auburn Tigers

This weekend marriages will end….
Businesses will dissolve….
And the bonds of friendship forever broken…
All over this one game….

For those of you outside the state of Alabama….
or persons that may have been living under a rock for their entire adult life….
I will let you in on a “not so” little secret.

We don’t like each other very much

We tolerate each other most of the time throughout the year….

Our children will play together….

We attend Church and PTA meetings together…

On occasions we will attend weddings, funerals and even BBQ together..

But this week everything is different…

On the Sunday before the Iron Bowl…
I have seen parishioners move from their usual seats to the other side of the aisle….
until one side of the church is Tigers and the other Tide.

I have seen and heard a young preacher, who clearly wasn’t from Alabama…..
make mention that “people down here take their football too seriously…”

He and his family weren’t there the following Sunday……
presumably to preach at a place where they didn’t take their football “too seriously….”

I have taken my seat on one side of a school bus with a little crimson elephant pined to my shirt by a wonderful first grade teacher, while the Auburn kids took their place on the other side of the bus with a blue and orange “War Eagle” pined to their respective shirts and dresses.

We never miss an opportunity to make fun of each other either..

This game has had Bo and Joe and a Bear of a Man…..

It has had “One for the Thumb”

And Eleven in a row…….

It’s War Damn Eagle!
And…
Roll Tide Roll!

It has made simple terms meaningful like…

Punt Bama Punt!

And “The Kick”

It’s about Pat Sullivan to Terry Beasley

Freddie Kitchens to Dennis Riddle

Wrong way Bo….

And Coach breaking the record…

The Legends of this game live forever in the hearts of the respective fans

The wins are glorious and the losses are bitter as hell

Many people have asked me if I had a “Favorite” picture from my deployment last year

The answer is “Yes”, I do……

It’s about pride and bragging rights….

It’s about “us” against “them”

But it’s even deeper than that……

It’s so deep you can’t define it….
It’s just there right above the surface of your emotions lurking….
Reminding you even on Easter Sunday…
Beat Them….

Friday afternoon is not life or death…

This game is far more important than that

And for those people that may be reading this thinking we in Alabama….
Take our “football too seriously”…..
You might want to take your cue from that young preacher in my story above
and get out of town…This game isn’t for the weak of heart…
It is The Iron Bowl

Your Thanksgiving Picks will be out in the morning….

Click here to view the embedded video.

ROLL TIDE ROLL

MEB

I interrupt the “Iron Bowl” edition for important late breaking college football news

Please accept this news release for widest dissemination:

Great News for Irish Fans
Released by University of Notre Dame Athletics

Rise up Irish fans!
A new day is dawning.
Recently Northeastern University announced it was going to drop its storied football program.
This would create a void and imbalance in the powerful Colonial Athletic Association standings.
What better way to restore the “program” to those glory days of yesterday…….
Than moving up to Division I-AA’s Colonial Athletic Association!!
We’ve seen turmoil, angst, and much gnashing of teeth lately, and frankly, it needs to stop.
With many options on the table and after careful consideration……
Notre Dame Athletics has decided to accept the invitation of CAA to join its illustrious ranks!!
With such bellwethers as Hofstra, Rhode Island, & James Madison the competition will be stiff.
But, before long, with Charlie Weiss leading his innovative offense…….
We could very well capture the CAA crown and make a run for an FCS championship!!!
Who wants to play in an antiquated and, frankly, quite biased BCS system………
When we can be involved in an actual PLAYOFF for a NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!
People all over have clamored for years for a playoff.
Well, YOU’RE WISH HAS COME TRUE…..TODAY!!!
And before the naysayers jump & scream, remember this……..
Appalachian State has beaten Michigan about as many times as we have lately.

Released by permission of Notre Dame Athletics

Mark May Recovering from Near Death Experience

ESPN studio analyst Mark May is apparently recovering from an alleged attack….
from former Notre Dame Coach and fellow analyst Lou Holtz
It was reported that after the final gun sounded for the Notre Dame / Connecticut matchup on Saturday that Holtz apparently went into sputum & phlegm laced spastic convulsive fit which, unfortunately, nearly drowned May in a green gooey slime-like substance.
May, visibly shaken, and clearly unconscious was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was given antibiotics and an alcohol bath and placed in intensive care.
He was removed from the ICU on Monday morning and talked to his lawyer.
Counsel has stated that May will pursue a civil suit against Holtz for reckless endangerment. “You know, it’s flu season,” stated May’s lawyer. “You’ve got regular flu, swine flu, hell, there’s no telling what could have been in that snot rocket that Holtz launched. Maybe even the kangaroo flu and who knows what was in that gunk.”
Analysts keeping an eye on the situation state that May has a good case and that he had warned ESPN for years of the possibility of just this type of episode.

Jimmy Clausen Cold Cocked at Club

Notre Dame Quarterback Jimmy “Glass Jaw” Clausen was decked while at a South Bend eatery last night.
The perpetrator allegedly took offense to the Irish being beaten once too many times this season.
Although investigators have yet to pinpoint the violent criminal who decked Jimmy, Oregon’s famed Running Back LeGarrette “Big Blow” Blount has not been ruled out as a suspect.
Witnesses say the suspected jabber was quite large, wearing a Notre Dame jersey, and had eye black under his eyes with “UCONN? and R U KIDDING?” printed upon it. Rumors are running rampant around the Notre Dame campus that it was one of the 33 seniors that embattled head coach Charlie Weiss referred to in a post game news conference.

However the “good” news is this isn’t as embarrassing…….
As Jimmy’s latest foray into the reality series market, please see the flyer below.

If the news from South Bend wasn’t bad enough, your favorite college football prognosticator has intercepted a transmission intended for the President of Notre Dame, the contents of which I share with you now…

Jackie Boy,
I usually don’t get involved with our Flagship University over in the states, but, now I must.
I mean; what the hey?
For the love of Mother Mary, what are you doing over there?
You must understand that you’re giving all of us here in the church a black eye.
I thought you knew what you were doing when you got this guy but all he’s doing is eating us out of house and home.
Holy Mother Teresa, you’ve got to do something.
We put up with the minority hire, Ty Willingham.
Now we’re putting up with this horizontally challenged hire, Charlie Weiss.
Whatever you do, just hire a normal coach. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
For the love of Peter, we got beat by a color!! Who’s afraid of a color?
I could see it if Stanford’s mascot was an actual cardinal, like a bird or one of my underlings running around here at the Vatican.
But, you got beat by a color!!! And the symbol is a tree!!! Whoever heard of a red tree?
Look, we’ll front the money for the buyout like the last couple of times, but, for the love of the almighty, get us a coach that might be able to actually coach. Saturday evenings are pretty sad.
We’re getting beaten by a bunch of protestants. Ooooooh, the inhumanity of it all.
Signed
John Paul II
Pope

Your regularly scheduled programming will resume tomorrow with the “Iron Bowl” edition
and following that the Week 13 College Football Picks.

RTR
MEB

Not that we aren’t thankful, nothing could be further from the truth….

This isn’t about being “Thankful”….
It’s about your “Rival”….
It’s about bragging rights
This is “Us” verses “Them”

It’s the “Lone Star Showdown”
The “Backyard Brawl”
The Border War
The Battle for the Palmetto State
The Battle of the Beehive and Golden Boot
The Egg Bowl
Bedlam and its coveted Bell
It’s about the Commonwealth, Apple and Governor’s Cups
It is about Clean Old Fashioned Hate….
It is The Iron Bowl

These clashes will be told and retold for generations
And the Legends of the fall that come from such games live forever.

Let’s take a look at a few of the games we have in store this week…..

THE LONE STAR SHOWDOWN

Texas Longhorns – Texas A&M Aggies

The Name alone says it all….
It’s “Gig Em Aggies!” verses “Hook Em Horns!”
These two fine University’s students, fans and alumni hate each other with a passion.

Case in point, a few years ago Texas A&M produced their fall catalog of classes and otherwise promoting the university
and all it’s fine accomplishments as well as to encourage prospective students to attend the university in College Station Texas.
On the cover of the fall catalog was a collage of pictures of campus life at Texas A&M, from students studying outside, walking to class, football games at Kyle Field, two students with goggles studying in the chemistry lab, but one picture on the cover was “different”.
In one picture a young lady in the Aggie Marching Band was playing the flute.
She had her hands in such a way while playing a particular note on the instrument
that it appeared she was making the “Hook Em Horns” sign.

Please see the example of the proper “Hook Em Horns” sign below delivered by my buddy Matthew McConaughey.

This incensed the Aggie Alumni and they demanded the Catalogs, which had already been distributed by the way,
be recalled and a “new” edition reprinted without the accursed picture on it.

Cost to print and distribute Fall Catalogs: 1.3 Million Dollars
Coast to recall the catalogs, reprint and redistribute Fall Catalogs: 5.6 Million Dollars
The enjoyment Longhorn Fans had from this fiasco: Priceless

Enjoy the short video that has nothing to do with the above story,
but is further evidence of the hate and discontent the Aggies have……
for the Mighty Longhorns from the University of Texas at Austin.

Click here to view the embedded video.

THE BORDER WAR

Missouri Tigers – Kansas Jayhawks

These two states have hated each other since Bill Quantrill burned Lawrence Kansas to the ground…
and even before that, there were hard feelings and hate.

The feelings are mutual and have festered over the years.

I know a number of Missourians who will correct me when I ask them…
“Isn’t Kansas the Sunflower State?”
They will politely tell me there are “Three kinds of Sun’s in Kansas”
Sunshine
Sunflowers
And
Sons of…you can figure out the rest of that on your own.

THE BACKYARD BRAWL

Pittsburg Panthers – West Virginia Mountaineers

This rivalry isn’t as intense as it once was….
But it is still filled with disgruntled fans from what was once “Steel Town” all the way
to the beautiful mountains of West “By God” Virginia.

Not only is this a rivalry for the ages in this particular part of the country, but as a side note,
You have to respect anybody like the Mountaineer faithful
who are willing to burn their “own” couch in their front yard after a win over a hated foe.

THE EGG BOWL

Mississippi State Bulldogs – Ole Miss Rebels

If you are looking for hate, passion and discontent that has no expiration date then look no further than the “Egg Bowl”.

In the Great State of Mississippi with poultry the current king of agriculture….
the Egg Bowl takes center stage this weekend and the rivalry has never been more intense, if that’s possible.

There will be harsh words, fights and more fights…….
and that’s just in the parking lot before the game. Make no mistake, this game is intense and emotions are raw.

BATTLE FOR THE GOLDEN BOOT

LSU Tigers – Arkansas Razorbacks

These two states, schools, fans, and alumni hate each other, period.
They have been playing for the four foot “Golden Boot” Trophy since 1901
But trophy or no trophy, they just hate each other.
Case in point, two years ago when the LSU Tigers won the 2007 National Championship……
there was a popular bumper sticker seen throughout Arkansas that I thoroughly enjoyed.
It read…..

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS 50
National Champion LSU Tigers 48

Priceless……

THE APPLE CUP

Washington Huskies – Washington State Cougars

I know this is “Big” deal in the State of Washington….
But let me clue you all on in a little secret…..
If your rivalry game has either a fruit or flower in the name
Then it’s not that big a deal outside your own state…
Sorry..

SUNSHINE STATE SHOWDOWN FOR THE GOVERNORS CUP

Florida Gators – Florida State Seminoles

I know, I know….
This is a relatively new rivalry as rivalries go; it began in 1958, when Coach Bobby was only 61 years “young”.
But this game is no less intense than older more established rivalries.
The Gator Nation hates the Seminole Nation and all they stand for and vice versa.

There have been some of the finest college football players to ever lace the cleats to play in this rivalry.
But I think this game can be summed up best by Coach Bobby himself when he said recently….
“You know when Ponce de Leon showed me the fountain of youth he told me watch out for Gators.”

How true, how true….

THE COMMONWEALTH CUP

Virginia Tech Hokies – Virginia Cavaliers

This fierce rivalry in the Old Dominion would mean more to me……
If I could remember the last time the Cavaliers won, but I can’t.

So it doesn’t it.

THE BEDLAM GAME

Oklahoma Sooners – Oklahoma State Cowboys

These two teams were playing each other before Oklahoma was even a state.
It’s Stillwater and the Cowboys verses the mighty Sooners of Norman.
They despise each other with a passion that can only instate rivals can appreciate.
They have accused each other of various dirty tricks over the years……..
From giving tainted food with laxatives to Sooner players to slow them down..(I’m serious….)
To wetting the field to slow down the likes of Barry Sanders….(I’m really serious…)
Throw the records out the window in this one; it’s always a battle for the ages.

CLEAN OLD FASHIONED HATE

Georgia Bulldogs – Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

There are few games that garner more hard feelings than this game between these two bitter instate rivals…..
hence the name of the game, in case you missed it.
The fans of the respective schools can’t agree on anything and disagree about everything.
They can’t even agree on how many times they have played the series.
But suffice to say this war has been going on since 1893, that’s right I said 1893.

This rivalry can best be summed up by the beloved Southern writer and University of Georgia Graduate Lewis Grizzard…
When reporting for the Atlanta Journal Constitution; Lewis left his entire column empty……
The day after the Yellow Jackets defeated his Bulldogs. One whole section in the Paper, blank.

The hard feelings in this one last forever…

BATTLE OF THE PALMETTO STATE

Clemson Tigers – South Carolina Gamecocks

You want a long standing rivalry?
This one has been going off and on since the 1880’s….
But the game itself is the longest standing uninterrupted series in the South.

There have been brawls, fights and riots since this series began
and it’s no less intense now with Coach Steve at the helm of the Gamecocks and Coach Sweeny with the Tigers.

This is one of those rivalries that transcend time and space.
No matter where you go in the world if you are a Gamecock or a Tiger
you carry this feeling with you going into this week, that cannot be defined or described.
It’s about beating “Them”, and being able to enjoy that win for the next year.

That my friends; is what a rivalry is all about.

THE IRON BOWL

Alabama Crimson Tide – Auburn Tigers

In the immortal words of Keith Jackson the voice of college football now and forever.

“There are rivalries and there are rivalries and then there is Alabama and Auburn”

This kind of Hate deserves its own section; The Iron Bowl edition will be out tomorrow.

So Stay tuned…
There is more hate and discontent to come..
Your Thanksgiving Edition of the Picks will be out soon….

RTR
MEB

The beloved University of Georgia’s mascot of two years UGA VII passed away suddenly this morning.
He was known as “Logan’s Best” and the 56 pound guy was only four years old.
I know Sonny Seiler and Miss Cecelia and their beautiful daughter Swann and the entire Bulldog nation
is devastated with his passing.

UGA VII will be buried with his predecessors in Sanford Stadium…..

There are no plans to replace him until next year……

If you think he was just a dog, you are wrong….
He wasn’t just a “dog”, he was “The Dog”….


I loved his face and seeing him in that jersey with the big red “G” on it….
He is the face of the University of Georgia and the heart and soul of their football team.

He represents the toughness and grit that has always symbolizes the state of Georgia in general
and the University in particular.
You all know I am not a Georgia Bulldog, but I love that dog….
Always have….

Maybe it’s because when I was growing up all I had was the love of a good dog

No matter what kind of day you had or who may have mistreated you…
they look at you with those eyes that pour forth love and devotion and you know the simplicity of love.

The simple act of wagging their tail…..
can make the trials and tribulations of a day disappear as you scratch their ears and pat their head.

I have poured forth my heart to many a four legged friend over the years….
usually as they chased a ball or a stick and they always listened intently
without offering any unsolicited advice or condemning me in any way.

I believe they are God’s gift to mankind….
A creature that symbolizes God’s love for us all…..

I don’t know why I went on a ramble here; I just know the Bulldog nation is hurting….
I am hurting with you….

I am not a smart man…
So I don’t know, as Disney Studios says that “All Dogs go to Heaven”

But I sure hope they do…

RTR
MEB

While Coach Pete and the Southern California Trojans are singing MC Hammer songs
and trying to determine if they are “Too Legit to Quit”, the rest of us will roll into the Week 12 Picks.

But before we do I need to mention….
Last week your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
was a substandard 39 and 15 or a rather lowly 72%. That leaves us at 492 and 136 or 78% for the season.

We have some bitter rivalries to discuss and the opening round of the Division II Playoffs
So let’s get to it shall we?

Coach Pete, “You can’t touch this”

Enjoy your games!

Wednesday November 18th

Central Michigan at Ball State
I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but….
When Lou Holtz says “Chippewa’s” he sounds just like Sylvester the Cat
CHIPPEWA’S 33-21

Buffalo at Miami (OH)
The Redskins have disappointed me all year, tonight will be no exception
And that my friends is “No Bull”
BULLS 34-13

Thursday November 19th

Colorado at Oklahoma State
In Stillwater they have a little saying: “Buffalo”….
The “other” white meat
COWBOY UP! 33-14

Friday November 20th

Akron at Bowling Green
Another I-75 Battle in the Buckeye state….
Falcons Zip the Zip’s……
FALCONS 31-28

Boise State at Utah State
The Bronco’s are on their way to an undefeated season….
Just like I said they would…
No need to thank me Boise Fans…
It’s how I roll….
BRONCOS 38-17

Saturday November 20th

Florida International at Florida
If “International’s” football team was a musical group they would be Menudo.
MIGHTY GATORS 38-14

Kansas at Texas
I hate to be the one to tell you this…
But Dorothy, you aren’t in Kansas anymore…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17

Chattanooga at Alabama
I was very proud of the Moccasins come from behind win last week
But this week, the Tide is Rolling and Rolling and Rolling…
CRIMSON TIDE 45-10

LSU at Ole Miss
This game is going to be a slobber knocker from start to finish
Believe it
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-23

Arkansas Tech at North Alabama
The “Wonder Boys” from Tech are going to “wonder”…..
what the hell they were thinking playing the mighty Lions of Florence in the first round of the Division II Playoffs.
FLORENCE LIONS 33-24

Citadel at Georgia Southern
The Bulldogs lost a sizeable lead to the Mighty Moccasins last Saturday
and they will get a terminal case of the Statesboro Blues this week…
Sounds like the beginning of a country song….
Just add train sounds…
EAGLES 34-24

North Carolina State at Virginia Tech
It’s too close to Thanksgiving “Not” to pick the Turkey’s
HOKIES 34-17

Oklahoma at Texas Tech
The Mighty Sooners are going to have their hands full this weekend….
And so will the Red Raiders…..
This one is going to be close….
Real close….
BOOMER SOONERS 31-28

West Alabama at Carson Newman
Another first round Division II Playoff Matchup….
The Tigers aren’t ready for the Boy’s from Jefferson City..
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Ohio State at Michigan
The title alone says it all….
There are few games that garner more hate and discontent…
These two bitter rivals hate each other 365 days a year….
Between these two states, there is nothing more important…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-17

Memphis at Houston
My Cougars have dropped the ball as of late…
(No Pun intended…)
But I still believe…..
COUGARS 34-17

Minnesota at Iowa
This Big Ten Battle is played for the coveted “Floyd of Rosedale”
If you are wondering what that actually is, it’s a Bronze Pig statue, ok?
Which makes absolutely no sense to me..
EYES OF THE HAWK 33-14

Harvard at Yale
A classic matchup that absolutely nobody cares about…
Including me..

Penn State at Michigan State
This Big Ten Battle is called “The Battle of the Land Grants”
And it is played for the “Land Grant Trophy”
No, I didn’t make this up…..
I wish it was called “The Battle of the Foster Grants”
And the winner got some cool sunglasses….
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-20

Oregon at Arizona
The Wildcats are undefeated at home in the desert this year….
But the Quacks are on the attack….
If you don’t think so…
Just ask Coach Pete how his quacker is doing?
QUACK ATTACK 33-31

Duke at Miami (FL)
The Blue Devils are doing better than they did last year…
Which is like saying..
Kenny Chesney doesn’t act as gay as he used too..
HURRICANES 34-14

Kentucky at Georgia
The Dawgs will tree the cats between the hedges and leave them blue.
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS! 38-21

Kansas State at Nebraska
The Wildcats got spanked by MO’s Tigers last Saturday…
The Children of the Corn get medieval on the Cats this weekend…
HUSKY’S OF THE CORN 28-14

California at Stanford
This PAC 10 Rivalry is called “The Big Game”
They play it each year for the “Stanford Ax”
If you think I am going against the Tree, you would be wrong.
CARDINAL 43-38

Mississippi State at Arkansas
The Bulldogs are tough and getting tougher…..
But the Hogs are hitting their stride…..
RAZORBACKS 31-14

Arizona State at UCLA
The hopes of the Devils from the Valley of the Sun….
Will melt in Pasadena like a Hershey Bar on a dash board of a truck in Dallas on July 4th
BRUINS 24-17

Maryland at Florida State
There is some good news and some bad news for Coach Bobby this weekend
The “Good News” is that the Seminoles will win this weekend…
The “Bad News” is Coach Bobby believes the Japanese just bombed Pearl Harbor
and will spend the entire game hiding in a bunker near the stadium.
SEMI-NOLES 38-17

Louisville at South Florida
Here is how this works…
The Cardinals just sneaked by Otto the Orange last Saturday in the Ville…
The Bulls were embarrassed in Jersey
The Boys from Tampa rebound against Coach K. this week..
NO BULL 33-14

Wisconsin at Northwestern
Another Big Ten Battle this week and you know what that means…
Yes! Another rivalry game for a trophy!
This game between these two magnificent schools is played for….
“The Magnificent Marsupial Trophy”
I know it sounds important, but it looks like a stuffed possum.
HEADS OF CHEESE 33-31

Purdue at Indiana
This Big Ten Matchup and instate rivalry is played for…..
“The Old Oaken Bucket”
As opposed to…..
“The Semi-new recyclable plastic environmentally friendly repository of Hope”
BOILERMAKERS 28-24

North Carolina at Boston College
The Boys from Chestnut Hill have a problem this weekend….
The Heels of Tar are rolling into town….
It’s like an Oil Spill, except you get your ass kicked in the process.
TAR HEELS 28-13

Iowa State at Missouri
In the Name of Jesse James I will not doubt MO’s Tigers again…
I said that this week and I intend on keeping my word…
MO’S TIGERS 31-27

Rutgers at Syracuse
Now that I know that Tony Soprano is “working” the games for the Scarlett Knights..
This one is an easy pick…
After all, I certainly don’t want to anger my Italian American friends in Jersey..
I might want to go back to Atlantic City one day..
And return in one piece…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 34-10

Virginia at Clemson
The Boys from Charlottesville play less like “Cavaliers”
And more like midgets on miniature ponies, with little sombreros and chaps
DABO’S TIGERS 33-14

Oregon State at Washington State
Much like Coach Riley……
I am all about the Beavers…..
MIGHTY BEAVERS 43-10

Vanderbilt at Tennessee
There is no truth to the rumor…..
That the latest Volunteer player arrested for shop lifting was in a disguise
therefore it took nearly two weeks for the police to release the report.
In fact he was wearing his football jersey with his name on the back while committing the crime,
the Tennessee Athletic Administration was just trying to keep it a “secret” like they used too.
Glad I could clear that up for everyone…
VOWELS 24-14

Wofford at Furman
This game will be a Battle between two of Chewbacca’s Kids
I just hope nobody gets a hairball….
FURRYMAN 23-17

Kent State at Temple
I’m sorry but every time I hear anything about the “Golden Flashes”
I get a visual image of naked people at the nursing home
HOOT OWLS 24-17

Texas Christian at Wyoming
The Horned Amphibians from Cow Town destroyed the two Ute’s last week…
They will stick the cowboys this Saturday….
Cowboy down
HORNED FROGS 34-14

Tulane at Central Florida
Neither of these teams has a personality…..
Sort of like my sister-in-law
Minus the one foot that looks like a hoof…
the hump on the back, the horns, I mean “calcium deposits”…
but other than that they are almost exactly alike.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-21

Connecticut at Notre Dame
Even a win over the Huskies won’t save Coach Charlie’s job….
But the good news is that Gerry Faust is available..
So, it’s like a “win-win”
FIGHTN’ IRISH 33-23

Air Force at Brigham Young
The Cougars are tough to beat in Provo…
But these Falcons Aim High…
FALCONS 33-28

UAB at East Carolina
What’s the deal with the “Blazers” of Birmingham having a “Dragon” as a mascot?
The only “Dragon” I ever saw in Alabama was when I went on this blind date once..
Never mind, I don’t want to talk about it…
PIRATES 31-28

Texas El Paso at Rice
My favorite pudding gets pounded by the semi-mighty miners…
Believe it…
MINERS 43-10

Baylor at Texas A&M
Let’s be honest here….
Neither of these teams are worthy of a bid to the “Vienna Sausage Bowl”
That says it all…
GIG EM AGGIES 38-34

Army at North Texas
I love Denton Texas, but I don’t have a clue to what a “Mean Green” is…
Unless it’s a kitchen cleanser
Why would you name your team after some thing like that?
What’s next, “The Blistering Bleach”?
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 24-23

San Diego State at Utah
So these two Aztec Ute’s were on their way to a ritual human sacrifice at the temple of the sun God….
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 43-14

Southern Methodist at Marshall
I do love the folks in Huntington, and the Thundering Herd…
But they are playing against…
THE MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-24

Colorado State at New Mexico
The winner of this game does get a bid to the “Vienna Sausage Bowl”
Yeah, this game is “that” important..
LOBOS 24-23

Tulsa at Southern Miss
After last week, were I actually doubted the Golden Eagles…
Well, I learned my lesson…
I can’t have my home folks mad at me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Hawaii at San Jose State
Wouldn’t you know it….
The “new” season of “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is starting and I am stuck
in Two Buck Tim…
Sometimes, life just isn’t fair…
WARRIORS doing the electric slide over RAINBOWS 24-21

Nevada at New Mexico State
The Pack of Wolves has one of the finest running backs in the nation…
and the Aggies have “Lasso Pete” as a mascot….
Yeah, this one is easy…
WOLFPACK 34-10

Enjoy your weekend and your games

Stay tuned…
There is more to come..

RTR
MEB

You didn’t think I was going to leave you yesterday….
Without recapping the games of the week and answering your emails did you?

I thought we knew one another better than that…..

I would never disappoint by beloved readers
(Or hardly ever…)

But enough about that….
We have a lot of games to discuss…..
So let’s get to it, shall we?

Coach Pete, are you with me?

TEAM NEWS

GRAMBLING: Coach Rob would have been proud, Congratulations.

STANFORD: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

NOTRE DAME: See above, but not said in “a good way”

EDITORS NOTE: If you Irish fans think you will be getting Urban Myer out of Gainesville…
Think again. You couldn’t pry him out of Florida with a bucket of poop and a mop.

TENNESSEE: Never thought I would see the day…..
When a Tennessee Football Player would be dismissed from the team, much less three players.
I am speechless.

COLORADO: Just because my sister-in-law doesn’t run onto the field with the football team (anymore)
Is no reason to go in the tank at the end of the season.

MINNESOTA: Congratulations O’ So very Golden Gophers!
You needed a last minute field goal to beat the University of South Dakota State Technology Academy of Hair and Nail Design.
And you actually wonder why I make fun of you?

GEORGIA TECH: Congratulations Yellow Jackets on going to the ACC Championship.
You damn sure deserve it….

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: In the words of Maxwell Smart…
I missed the “Upset Special”
“By that much…..”

MISSOURI: In the name of Jesse James I will never doubt the Missouri Tigers again.

ALABAMA: Roll Tide Roll……

NCAA: If you are wondering “who” the next President of the NCAA will be….
I have in my possession a copy of the “Want Add” the NCAA posted recently for the lofty position.
“Wanted: Self absorbed holier than thou Dictator and tyrant with an inherent loathing of the southern states and all things southern, to include Texas and Oklahoma.
Must worship Satan and the University of Southern California, and routinely turn your blind and or prosthetic eye from said University and Pete Carroll, as well as Notre Dame, Michigan and all other Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” schools.
Must have experience crushing university traditions and changing their mascots, as well as catering to low life organizations such as the NAACP and those shady groups associated with Jesse “Shake Em Down” Jackson and Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Also, must like the “New Kids on the Block” and “Sponge Bob Square Pants”.

MICHIGAN: SOooooooooooo How’s that “new” coach working out for you?

CHATTANOOGA: GREAT comeback win over the Citadel! GO MOCCASINS!

NORTH CAROLINA: Now I know why no Hurricanes ever hit the Carolina coast…
The Tar Hells beat them down, Great win…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I understand Coach Pete and the “mighty” Trojans have a very good reason for their latest loss to Stanford…..
It was reported that the Trojan football team was suffering from a drug problem during the game this past Saturday.
The reason I can say that is because…
It looked like the Trojans got drugged up and down the damn field by Stanford…

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
“No” this never gets old for me…

GEORGIA: If you wonder why I picked the Bulldogs over Auburn, it was simple..
The Dawgs have Rambo on the team, enough said.
Glad you are doing better Rambo, you had us all scared there for a minute.

OREGON STATE: I have said it before and I will say it again….
I am all about the Beavers

EDITORS NOTE: The above comment was in no way intended as a sexual reference.
I just happen to be a Beaver fan, O.K.?

TEXAS A&M: In case you all have forgotten, let me help you out with this one.
How do you spell “defense” in Aggie Land?
“FIRE MIKE SHERMAN”

OHIO STATE: Congratulations on a trip to the Rose Bowl and a share of the conference title.
But if you have to play Stanford, the Buckeyes better be ready…..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Mister Wizard –
I am sorry I am new to your website and I haven’t been able to keep up with the PAC 10 conference this year, so I have to ask you: After this past Saturday’s debacle…..
How many losses do the Southern California Trojans have so far this year?
Rachel – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Tree

Q: Sir,
I don’t know if you’re familiar with me or my work, but I’m world famous game show creator Chuck Woolery.
After reading of the troubles at many schools in regards to recruiting violations, I came up with a brilliant concept for a new game show.
Think recruiting!
Think Reggie Bush!
Think Pete Carroll!
The concept is this: You have a guy like Pete Carroll pursuing a highly prized, yet vastly overrated, recruit (who is actually the contestant) sort of like Reggie Bush.
The contestant has fabulous prizes, like a house in San Diego, lavished upon him as well as travel to exotic and luxurious locations.
At the end of the show we tally the net worth and send it to the NCAA who, as we all know, will do nothing!!!
What do you think? Is this a great concept or what?
Chuck – Los Angeles, California

A: Love your work Chuck, but it’s already been done….
It’s called “The NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans”
Sorry….

Q: Mike, now that Myles Brand is dead,
why hasn’t the NCAA moved out with their “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Thanks!
Jeff – Fort Payne, Alabama

A: The “secret” to the NCAA’s amnesia on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the “mighty” Southern California Trojans can be found in Myles Brand’s Will.
Which your favorite college football prognosticator has a copy of, because nothing is too good for my beloved readers.
It reads as such:
“….And should the University of Southern California Trojans, coached by my prodigal son Peter Carroll, lose 3 or more games in the 2009 season AND/OR fall out of the Bowl Championship Series competition for the National Championship, I do hereby direct the Investigative committee of the National Collegiate Athletic Association to complete their inquiries and investigation into the sordid Reggie Bush affair. It has been my goal to keep the “anointed one” in position to keep his team in a lofty position for continued success. If he can’t succeed with this assistance then he shall feel the wrath of the U$C boosters, alumni, and myself from the grave. Afterwards, I do hereby bequeath all perks to Notre Dame. God knows, they need all the help they can get. ”

Q: So, the NCAA attacks Florida State because of its mascot, gives Ole Miss a bunch of crap because of its rebel flag and the last verse of their fight song.
When do they make Oregon and Oregon State change the name of their rivalry game, the “Civil War?”
Oh, wait, they’re not from the South
Jake – Vicksburg, Mississippi

A: Jake, it’s like they say at the nursing home when somebody hits the numbers…
“Bingo!”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You never really talk about yourself, so I have to ask…
What are the ingredients for the “perfect” weekend for you?
Barbara – Beaumont, Texas

A: Funny you should ask Barbara….
I had what could be described as a “perfect” weekend this past Saturday
Tennessee and Auburn lost, the Trojans got trampled and Alabama and Texas won.
It really doesn’t much better than that where I am….

Your Week 12 Picks will be out on Thursday…..
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Much like my University’s mascot…
I have the memory of an elephant and I hardly ever forget anything.
As you might imagine, it’s a curse and blessing.

That being said….
I remember the following quotes from some noted Sports publications and commentators
back in August of this year before the college football season began.

Sports Illustrated

“Pete Carroll and the Trojans are even better than they were a year ago…”

“The Mighty Men of Troy will once again breeze through the PAC 10 and be in the National title picture…”

“Pete Carroll is the best college football coach in the country, hands down”

Fox Sports

“The Southern California Trojans won’t miss a beat this year…..
and their defense will be even better than it has been the past several years, and that is scary…”

“Coach Pete Carroll has one of the top two college football teams in the Nation”

Lisa Horne of Fox Sports

“Like it or not, Pete Carroll and the Southern California Trojans will be in the National Title game this year….”

“Matt Barkley will lead the Trojans to the National Title game….”

“Matt Barkley “may be” the first freshman to win the Heisman trophy…”

College Football News

“The Trojans will win the PAC 10 title hands down and will be in the National Title game at the end of the season…”

“The Men of Troy’s defense is scary good and even better than it was a year ago…”

ESPN

“Nobody in the PAC 10 can touch USC; the only question is who they will face in the National title game”

“Pete Carroll has assembled his finest team since his arrival on the Trojan campus”

ESPN’s Mark May

“Pete Carroll has such a wealth of talent at every position, all he has to do is reload”

“The Southern California Trojans will face either Texas or Florida in the National Championship game….
but Pete Carroll’s Trojans will definitely be in the title game.”

“Once the Trojans defeat Ohio State, nothing will slow them down until the National Title game”

CBS Sports

“Like it or not folks, the National Title will have to go through Pete Carroll’s Trojans”

THE CFB WIZARD

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator didn’t pick the Trojans to win anything….
not the conference title or be in the national title hunt.

And the emails flowed in with that prognostication didn’t they?

Some called me a “Trojan Hater”

Other emails from California and irate Trojan Fans called me far worse names.

Now after a school known more for their SAT scores than touchdowns…
Torched the Trojans for 55 points on “Homecoming” and Coach Pete and the Men of Troy are
“Where?” in the Pac 10 Conference standings, I have to ask all you detractors….

“How do you like me now?”

But look on the bright side U$C Trojan fans….
At least Coach Pete shook the Stanford’s Coach’s hand at the end of this game…
unlike the snub he gave him two years ago when the Cardinal Beat the Trojans at home.
So I guess, that counts for something…

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH SOUNDS OF STUPIDITY

Life is funny sometimes.
Just when you think some things have changed, they remain the same.
Take the University of Tennessee for instance..
Just when you think they Volunteers have a Football Coach…
that will restore a tattered reputation away from “Thug University”
and bring discipline back to a program that couldn’t spell it during the Phil Fulmer era….
once again we find ourselves back where we started.

In the event you haven’t heard or read about the three Tennessee Football players recent arrest
let me give you the “Low Lights” of the three Orange clad prodigal sons of stupidity.

Three Tennessee football players, one a “star” recruit and wearing his “Tennessee football regalia”
attempted to rob at gun point using a pellet gun, people in a vehicle at a truck stop
in the very same town in which they live and play football.

As you might imagine, it doesn’t end there….

One player was released by the police..
after presumably rolling over on the other two
and the other two players posted their bond that was set at $19,500 dollars each.

Tennessee Athletic Director Mike Hamilton had this to say…..

“We are evaluating the circumstances surrounding the incident before we make a decision”

Tennessee Football Coach Lane Kiffin had this to say……

“We are gathering all information until we make a decision…”

EDITORS NOTE: I wrote the very lines you are about to read…
time and time again about the same lousy excuses provided by Fat Phil Fulmer
and the then alcoholic Athletic Director at the University of Tennessee for similar incidents and some far worse.

So for the benefit of Coach Lane Kiffin and Athletic Director Mike Hamilton, let me make this one simple for you, O.K?

Wait for it…..

Wait for it….

There are ALREADY is plenty of “information” available to make a “decision”, it’s all in the police report, you two dumbass’s.

I sure hope that helps.

But I have two questions for Coach Lane, Mike Hamilton and all the loyal Volunteer Fans out there.

Who paid their bail and who is paying for their attorney’s?

Because it damn sure isn’t them or their families and we all know that don’t we?

More later in the week..

So stay Tuned…

RTR
MEB

Before we get into this weeks picks….
I want to thank Hootie Snitch for providing his “unique” perspective on last weeks games and answering your email questions.

But just for the record I am a lot closer to Two Buck Tim than I am Tim Buck Two…

Last week your favorite college football prognosticator was a “disappointing” 42 and 15 or 75%.
And for the season I stand at 453 and 121 or a rather lackluster 79%.

But I take solace in my prognostication powers
when I heard that ESPN college football “analyst” Todd McShay, according to the network…
was making his picks at a “furious” pace by selecting “16” games currently this season where he stands at 10 and 6.

I know what you are thinking……
“Amateur”

But before we roll into Week 11’s Picks I want to wish…….
A Happy Veterans Day to all Veterans, past, present and future.

And a Happy Marine Corps Birthday to my Marine brethren around the world
We’ve Been Keep’n it Real since 1775….

Enjoy your games!

COMMENTATORS QUOTE

Bret Musburger on Alabama Coach Nick Saban
During the game with LSU in 2007 which the Crimson Tide lost

“There is the highest paid coach in American folks;
it doesn’t look like the folks in Alabama are getting a lot for their money does it?”

EDITORS NOTE: Just for the record dumbass….
I don’t think we pay Coach Nick enough, buy I think it has worked out o.k., don’t you?

Wednesday November 11th

Toledo at Central Michigan
The rockets will be reduced to a pack of firecrackers before halftime
Believe it
CHIPPEWAS 33-14

Thursday November 12th

Texas Southern at Grambling State
The Bayou Classic……
Beyond the football game, the battle of the bands is not to be missed.
I am still a Coach Rob man…
ROB’S TIGERS 31-17

Bowling Green at Miami (OH)
Another Classic Battle on I-75
The Falcons are favored, but I have a feeling….
REDSKINS 24-21

South Florida at Rutgers
I know, I know
This game is being played in “Jousey….”
But forget about it…..
NO BULL 33-28

Friday November 13th

West Virginia at Cincinnati
Save a Couch, Beat the Mountaineers
BEARKATS 31-28

Temple at Akron
The Owls are on their way to their first Bowl game since 1979…
Zippy gets Zipped…
HOOT OWLS 24-20

Saturday November 14th

Florida at South Carolina
Nobody needs to tell Coach Steve how bad a Gator bite can be….
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Furman at Georgia Southern
I can’t wait to hear Chewbacca sing the “Statesboro Blues”
I heard he does a great Greg Allman imitation
EAGLES 24-21

Texas at Baylor
The Waco Bears have really come on as of late…….
and I know I missed picking the Bears in “The Battle of the Brazos”
But the boys in burnt orange are the real McCoy
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-21

Pennsylvania at Harvard
I really don’t care and neither should you

Alabama at Mississippi State
The Bully Bulldogs are always tough…
But the Tide is coming in…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-13

Frostburg State at Salisbury
This game is a stark reminder that I wish I had a frosty beverage and a Salisbury steak.
But sometimes I wish for too much

Indiana at Penn State
I missed on Joe Pa’s Lions last week against the mighty Buckeyes….
But Joe has more than enough magnification left in his reading glasses to burn the Homers from Hoosierville
JOE’S LIONS 31-17

Columbia at Cornell
Nobody cares about this game either, and as a side note…
Both teams marching bands suck too.

Tennessee at Ole Miss
Remember my prognostication about the Volunteers not losing another game?
Yeah, I was serious…
VOWELS 34-17

Arizona at California
I would watch this game
but I heard there was fighting in Central America, and I have to watch the news, I have friends in Missouri.
I bet there fighting those damn people from Kansas.
GOLDEN BEARS 33-28

Miami (FL) at North Carolina
The Tar Heels….
Wait, what the hell is that anyway?
Is that somebody who walked across a freshly paved road bare footed?
Never mind….
ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now isn’t it?

Virginia Military Institute at Army
There are better games going on around the country when this game gets underway….
There are better teams playing this Saturday with more at stake in the college football world, while this game is being played
But you won’t find any better kids anywhere in the country than you will see right here
They are some of the very best we have in this country
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 24-14

Texas A&M at Oklahoma
If you wonder why I continue to pick the Sooners…
even with all the season ending injuries on the team, the answer to that question is easy.
It’s because they are the still the Mighty Sooners, that’s why.
BOOMER SOONERS 31-28

Virginia Tech at Maryland
Ed Wang of Virginia Tech, who also happens to be the biggest Wang in College Football, but I digress….
I wonder if Ed Wang has ever gone out and “Wang Chung Tonight”
Just curious…
HOKEY HOKEY HI! 34-17

Samford at Wofford
This pesky cough is going to kick Sam’s ass, count on it.
WOFFY 33-13

Stanford at Southern California
No Upset Special Here……
The Darlings of the Sports Media get their other eye blacked with a tree
CARDINAL 38-24

EDITORS NOTE: I know it doesn’t really fit here…..
But……
Coach Pete, you want a quacker?
That never gets old for me..

Iowa at Ohio State
The quarterback with the Black and Gold is out for at least two weeks
The Buckeyes are rolling and the game is in the Big Horseshoe
Enough said….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-17

Citadel at Chattanooga
The Bulldogs get shoed away from a win with a moccasin, believe it.
MOCCASINS 28-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma State
The Red Raiders get rode down by the Cowboys in Stillwater
You better believe it….
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Florida State at Wake Forest
A lot of people are down on Coach Bobby as of late…..
They want to say it’s because he is “too old” to be coaching
He went to high school with Noah, so yeah he is definitely “old”
But that’s not the real reason is it?
It’s because you Seminoles aren’t beating the hell out of everybody, right?
You complainers should all should be ashamed of yourselves…
SEMI-NOLES 24-21

Nebraska at Kansas
I can’t help but wonder….
Are there a lot of Huskers that shop in the “Husky” sections at department stores…..
Do any of them own Husky dogs?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
HUSKY CORNHUSKERS 23-17

Auburn at Georgia
This game is called “The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”, because it is just that.
Conventional wisdom calls for the Tigers to win this game, they are favored in the contest.
But as you all know by now….
I am neither conventional nor wise.
RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES! 34-31

Michigan at Wisconsin
Despite the fact the Wolverines are playing in Wisconsin,
There is no truth to the rumor that Coach Rod’s wife’s perfume smell’s like old cheese
That is hurtful and untrue
Her perfume smells more like the mixture of old peoples feet, wet corn flakes and a high school rest room urinal cake.
I hope that sets the record straight
BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE 31-21

Washington at Oregon State
For once I agree with Hootie Snitch…
I love me some Beavers…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 33-17

Troy at Arkansas
What in the Hell was Troy thinking scheduling this game?
He must be drinking again….
RAZORBACKS 43-10

Colorado at Iowa State
Thank you all for your enquiries….
But my sister-in-law will “Not” be leading the Colorado Team on the field
this Saturday as the “Guest Buffalo” for the game with the Cyclones.
She is currently filming new “Messing with Sasquatch” Beef Jerky commercials..
Before you ask, “No” she is not wearing any makeup…
And “Yes” they are using “movie magic” to cover up her antlers, sorry..
I mean “calcium deposits”
BUFFALOS 24-17

South Dakota State at Minnesota
Question for the Minnesota faithful…
Aren’t Gophers really just hamsters on steroids?
O’ So GOLDEN GOPHERS 38-23

Georgia Tech at Duke
The Devils will be Black and Blue before this one is over…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-14

Clemson at North Carolina State
This game is known as “The Textile Bowl”
The winner of the decorative towels and fuzzy bathroom mats is…
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
This classic matchup in the North is played for the highly coveted…
“Yeti in a Tube Top” trophy….
Not really I was just hoping someone would take my sister-in-law for Thanksgiving
FIGHTN’ IRISH 33-28

Kentucky at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get the Blues in Music City on Saturday Night
Believe it….
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 24-20

Boston College at Virginia
The Cavaliers lost to the Duke Blue Devils two weeks ago….
Enough said….
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 141-14

UCLA at Washington State
I understand Alvin and the Chipmunks will be singing the National Anthem at this game
Not the “real” Chipmunks, just some dudes or dudettes in foam rubber costumes
Sorry, I didn’t mean to get you all worked up over nothing
BRUINS 33-14

Northwestern at Illinois
Another Big Ten “rivalry” game and you know what that means..
That’s right, another game for a coveted trophy!
This annual game between these two schools is played for
“The Trombone of Cheese Whiz”
Don’t touch it, you don’t know were it’s been
FIGHTN’ PUMPKINS 28-17

Missouri at Kansas State
In any conflict between the states of Missouri and Kansas
I always side with Kansas, because I am a Jesse James man..
but any team that goes to the trouble of digging up their dead coach
and propping him up on the sidelines to inspire their team, well…
I have to respect that
WILDCATS 24-23

Arizona State at Oregon
I would watch this game but the Animal Planet is having a “Special” on Sea Monkey’s.
You know they are natures perfect creature right?
They swim in the ocean and can live in the jungle.
If you don’t believe me then why do you think they call them “Sea Monkeys”?
I think I made my point
QUACK ATTACK 33-28

Michigan State at Purdue
This Big Ten Rivalry is played each year for a magnificent trophy!
Aren’t they all?
This Big Ten game is played for the highly coveted “Bejeweled Staff of Doubt”
Frankly I doubt anybody really cares about this game..
BOILERMAKERS 31-24

Houston at Central Florida
The Golden Knights are in Orlando right?
Isn’t that were “O Town” was from?
That’s all I need to know…
COUGARS 33-21

Syracuse at Louisville
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question….
Will anyone attend a college football game between two crappy teams?
CARDINALS 17-10

Brigham Young at New Mexico
The Lobos get Low Blow’d in New Mexico…
I know that was catchy right?
Think of me as the college football version of Doctor Seuss
COUGARS 34-17

UAB at Memphis
I know what I am talking about here
I’ve been to Graceland…
Thank you, thank you very much
ELVIS’S TIGERS 24-17

Idaho at Boise State
This game is entitled….
“The Battle of Idaho” and it is played for the Governors Cup
At least this instate battle doesn’t have the word “Flower” in it
BRONCOS 34-21

Texas El Paso at Southern Methodist
The Miners of El Paso have surprised a few people this year, but they won’t surprise
THE MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Tulane at Rice
Not that this has anything to do with the game, but I have to ask
Why is Rice-a-Roni the San Francisco treat?
I always thought it was Liberace
Never mind…
HOO HOOT OWLS 21-17

Delaware at Navy
I have grown to love that Navy Goat mascot….
You have to respect a mascot that can eat a tin can, you know what I mean?
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Southern Miss at Marshall
I really like both of these teams, but they harder to predict than the weather
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-21

UNLV at Air Force
The Falcons are soaring and the Rebels are grounded….
This one is easy
FALCONS 34-10

Utah at Texas Christian
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
Two Ute’s take down the horned amphibians in Cow Town
So says my Cousin Vinny
TWO UTES 28-24

Louisiana Tech at LSU
The Bulldogs are in trouble in this instate Battle on the Bayou
Mike the Tiger is angry and hungry….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

New Mexico State at Hawaii
This game is just another reminder I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Life is so unfair sometimes
WARRIORS jumping rope over RAINBOWS 31-28

Sunday November 15th

East Carolina at Tulsa
I wonder if a “Golden Hurricane” is a drink you don’t have buy yourself
on Bourbon Street?
Makes you wonder doesn’t it?
CAROLINA PIRATES 23-21

Enjoy your weekend and your games

Stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Since that Bama guy that writes this thing is in Tim Buck Two…
I am a gonna due the rewind article this week and answer some of yawls emails.
He sent me some notes and stuff, but I am fixing to get my “wing it on”.

Before we get into that yawl need to know that I have been celebrating…
The Vol’s winning the Tennessee State Championship!
I know what you is a thinking too.
They ain’t played Vanderbilt yet….
Well don’t you worry about that we is gonna beat the doors off them Commodores.
Get it?

But just so’s you know, even though I’ve been celebrating….I ain’t drunk.
I don’t care what that police man said…

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE LAST WEEK

“Oregon played faster than we wanted them too be……”
Coach Pete Carroll of the University of Southern California

HOOTIE’S NOTE: No kidding Sherlock..
That’s about the dumbest damn thing I heard
since my cousin said he was going on eBay to find him a “good hammer”.
Elmer, if you is a reading this, they got a million of em at Home Depot, dumbass.

TEAM NEWS @ OTHER STUFF TOO

TENNESSEE: They way I see it….
The Volunteers ought to be the Number four team in the country…
Them Gators just barely got by us…
Then them cheating Crimson Tides barely got by us…
So, they way I figure it we IS the Number Four Team in the country and ought to be in the National Championship talking.
O Yeah, we is Tennessee State Champs too!

A-RABS: I don’t know why all them folks are worked up over that Mohammad fellow.
I went to Wal-Mart in Knoxville on Friday to get some more stuff for my restaurant “Snitch’s”
that is going to have a “Grand opening” in about a another week.
It’s going to straight up, awesome!
Anyway, I got off the subject…
This guy greeting people when you walked in, his name tag said “Mohammad”.
So’s I walk over to him and ask,“Why are folks blowing themselves up over you. Are you telling them to do it or something?”
Cause if he would have said “yes”, I was going to put a Baneberry country ass whopping on his ass.
But Mohammad said, “NO! I am good person, I am here legally, I am not a terrorist!”
Well it kind of sounded like that, cause he didn’t speak very good American.
So, what ever you crazy ass A-Rabs are doing you need to cut that crap out…
Cause I talked to Mohammad and he didn’t know a damn thing about it.

PHIL FULMER: There ain’t goin to be No Criticism of the Great Coach Phil when I run the article.
He is like a majestic Walrus, except bigger and with a crown and wings.
That’s how I picture him, so you won’t read nothing negative here about Coach Phil.

TEXAS: I thought the Wizard guy was crazy as hell when he picked yawl to play in the National Championship game..
But it looks like it just might happen.

VETERANS DAY: Now I ain’t never been in combat per say, but I have been married twice, which should count for something,…
and I ain’t never been in the military but I was in Webelos, so I had me a uniform.
But I got to thank all the veterans everywhere for kicking ass and taking names and keeping us free.

ALABAMA: It’s still ain’t right yawl got a guy on the defense that is bigger than three of our boys…
and that’s the last time I’m going to say anything about it.

OREGON STATE: Beaver Jim, the football Wizard fellow wanted me to apologize that he missed your game over them California people. But, I would have picked yawl, if it would have been me, cause I love me some Beavers.

NEBRASKA: I don’t know how the hell them Cornhuskers beat them Sooner’s but I am betting they is still celebrating down in Lincoln.

OHIO STATE: I don’t know who woke them Buckeyes up, but they are tougher than my momma’s pan fried steak.

FLORIDA STATE: I don’t want to say Coach Bobby is getting old, but he was coaching at Florida State before it was a State.

MICHIGAN: The Wizard guy wanted me to say something about the Wolverines losing to Purdue at home for the first time since 1966, but I want to say something about that Michigan Coach’s wife.
That gal is uglier than homemade soap. I saw her on the Television last week, and my damn watch stopped.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are ranked the highest since 1956, hell fire I wasn’t even born then.

OREGON: So last week you beat them Trojans like a rented mule and this week you lost to team with a foam rubber tree mascot. What the hell is a going on up there?
Don’t nobody want to win yawls damn conference title?

NAVY: “Mister Wizard” didn’t pick yawl, which is stupid. I would have picked you to beat Notre Dame and I’ll tell you why.
The Navy has them SEALS and they are a bunch of bad asses, I know I seen the movie.
So of course they gonna beat some Leprechauns ass. That pick would have been easy for ole Hootie.

IOWA: I can’t believe yawl lost to a direction on the map, just another reason why the Vol’s ought to be ranked in front of them.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: I got to agree with that Alabama Wizard guy, yawl should be on damn NCAA probation by now.
It’ don’t help that Coach Pete, rhymes with “Cheat”

EMAIL QUESTIONS @ ANSWERS WITH HOOTIE

Q: Dear Sir,
I just wanted to convey to you and your informed readership of a recent development that arose after the annual “Not The World’s Largest Cocktail Party Anymore Due to Political Correctness” game between the Bulldogs from somewhere and the Grand and Glorious University of Florida Gators led by the Esteemed and World Reknowned Tim Tebow. There was a fairly inconspicuous incident that occurred on the field of play in which it was alleged that Brandon Spikes tried to poke an opposing players’ eye. As I said, “alleged.” Well, I must say that had there not been numerous replays by ESPN that no one would have ever noticed anything had happened. But, nooooooooooooo, ESPN gets a clip of a players hand from the Esteemed and Pre-eminent University of Florida entering the face mask of an opposing player and it is automatically assumed that Mr Brandon Spikes is up to no good. I can personally attest that after reviewing said play I feel that he was either trying to help adjust the opposing players contact lens or perhaps was wiping his nose, since, as you know, it is flu season.
After the media circus that was created by this obviously misinterpreted incident I recommended that Mr Spikes be suspended for the first half of the game with Vanderbilt. Soon after this announcement, for some reason, there was another uproar. Well, thank goodness that Mr Spikes saw the situation and suspended himself for the entire game. I hope this satisfies the bloodlust inspired by inferior rival schools due to the jealousy of the University of Florida being anointed as the SEC representative to the National Championship.
By the way, if you saw the illustrious Mr Spikes on the sideline of the Florida-Vandy game, he was clean shaven and no longer looks like a thug.
Thank you Mr Spikes for your assistance.
Mike Slive
President
Southeastern Conference

A: Mister President Slive that is how them damn Gators beat us Volunteers by a bunch of eye grabbing and God knows what else. Can you see fit, since you’re the President and all to give us that game since they was a cheating? Also, them Crimson Tides got a guy named after a Mountain that is bigger than a new Buick. That ain’t right neither.

Q: Dear Sir,
I’ve been watching that Notre Dame team get beat all over the place by Navy. I mean, here’s a team with practically their own TV network, the sports outlets are always going ga-ga over them, and they’re getting beat by a service academy. Not being disrespectful to service academies, but, I mean, what the hell? I just think that they’re seriously overrated.
In fact, I think their name is about right. I don’t know what an “Ire” is, but they’re not good enough to be called a regulare “Ire”.
I think they’re just Ire-ish.
What do you think?
Timmy the Trojan, Los Angeles, California

A: I tell you what ole Hootie thinks….
You damn Trojan fans are always acting like yawl got your monkey chapped over one thing or another.
Bunch of damn cry babies is what I think…
But here’s something for your chapped monkey…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I was sittin here watchin Mr Mark May slobberin all over that cheatin Pete Carroll
after U$C Squeaked by Arizona State & I have a question.
Why does mark May wear glasses without any lenses in them?
I was just wondering cause you can see a reflection on the frame but not on any lenses.
Does he wear them like goggles in case Mr Lou Holtz slobber’s on him or is it cause he thinks wearing glasses that’s for decorations makes him look smart?
I really don’t think he’s very smart if you ask me.
I mean, he tried to make a big deal out of U$C squeaking by Notre Dumb even though they aren’t very good. What do you think?
Steve – Platte City, Missouri

A: That’s a damn fine question..
I am a guessing it’s because he wants to “look smart”.
Cause I will tell you, when Mark May starts making sense to you, it’s a sure sign that you’ve had too much to drink.

Q: You no take me serious!
Now Navy Beat Irish and that all we hear about!
I see Navy Goat mascot everywhere and it offend me and honorable family!
It even on Weather Channel!
I want NCAA to change Navy mascot, they change other schools because of offense!
I honorable business man and give you photo of my restaurant!
Send me NCAA address to change navy mascot!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I ain’t trying to tell you your business…..
But you couldn’t get somebody down South to eat in a place with name like that at gunpoint.
Kind of made me sick just looking at it..

Q: Who in the hell do you think you are?
You picked the Trojans to lose two games or “more” this year and they do, just like you picked Oklahoma to do the same.
You picked TCU and Boise State to be undefeated and they still are…
You picked Alabama and Florida to meet in Atlanta and they will…
You picked Texas to go to the National Championship game and it looks like they are on their way.
Just who do you think you are?
James – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I don’t know who he is neither…
But I heard that Wizard guy was part Secret agent and part Transformer.

Stay tuned cause I’m goin to have me an update on my “Grand Opening” of Snitch’s.

The Wizard says them picks will be out later in the week too.

Yawl have a good week now, you hear?

Hootie – Out!

What a week it was…
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather amazing 42 and 10 last week or 81%
and that leaves us at 411 and 107 or 79% for the season.

But enough self adulation, this week we have “even” more Big Ten games….
Played for a variety of trophy’s and valued memorabilia and the tussle in T-Town.

Later in the week we will discuss the Bowl Championship Committee…
Which is actually not a committee at all, but a room full of chimpanzees
wired up on Red Bull and sugar throwing poop at college football teams listed on a wall chart.

More on this “detailed process” as it has been described in the media later in the week.

We have some games to discuss…

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday November 5th

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
I know, I haven’t hit a game with the Hokey’s in a couple of weeks….
But I have on “good authority” that Lou Holtz is going to be the “guest” Mascot this week.
Get your Gobble on Lou…..
MIGHTY TURKEYS 31-10

Miami (OH) at Temple
Believe it or not (and I ‘m not sure that I do…)
The Owls of Temple are on the verge of their first bowl game since 1979….
That’s enough motivation for anybody…
HOOT OWLS 24-17

Friday November 6th

Boise State at Louisiana Tech
Have I mentioned lately that I picked the Broncos to finish the season undefeated?
Enough said….
BRONCOS 34-17

Saturday November 7th

Vanderbilt at Florida
This game reminds me of the old saying……
“If you love something, let it go….
If it doesn’t come back then the alligator must have eaten it’s ass up”
At least that’s what they say on the bayou…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Central Florida at Texas
Before this one is over the Golden Knights will wish
they jousted with midgets on burros instead of trying to stop the stampeding Longhorns.
Which as a side note…
Midgets jousting on burros screams pay-per-view to me….
especially if they are wearing sombreros
MIGHTY MIGHTY LONGHORNS 44-10

LSU at Alabama
The Tussle in T-Town…
A classic matchup that will be a fight until the final whistle blows…
Don’t blink…
CRIMSON TIDE 20-17

Northern Arizona at Ole Miss
SOoooooooo the “Chancellor” in Oxford stated this week that “He” will remove the Rebel fight song
if the students continue to chant “The South will rise again…” at football games.
Here is a little hint….
You got a jackass running a university that doesn’t understand college students…
Because even I know you don’t “threaten” a bunch of college kids….
Stand by Dumbass….
REBELS 43-17

Chattanooga at Appalachian State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Mountaineers are going down with a moccasin sticking out of their butt.
Sorry for the visual….
MOCCASINS 28-24

Ohio State at Penn State
This game will be and ole fashion slug fest from start to finish……
I think the Buckeyes will win a close one…
but I have a feeling that Joe Pa has something up his sleeve, or hidden in his hair, or behind his glasses…
You get the picture….
JOE PA’S LIONS 23-21

Tusculum at Carson Newman
When I had the “Kangaroo Flu” recently, I think I coughed up a Tusculum…
It was disgusting…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-14

Oregon State at California
Beaver Jim, I wish I had better news for you…..
GOLDEN BEARS 33-24

Virginia at Miami (FL)
Here’s how this game works….
The Cavaliers lost to the Duke Blue Devils last week…
Enough said….
HURRICANES 152-0

Oklahoma at Nebraska
This game isn’t the marquee game that it once was…..
But it doesn’t mean they don’t hate each other with a passion…
I like that in a football game…
BOOMER SOONERS 28-17

Henderson State at Ouachita Baptist
Little known fact about the Ouachita Baptist denomination…
They don’t have their own “Theme Park”….
Unlike a few other denominations I could mention…
FIGHTN’ BAPTIST 33-10

Connecticut at Cincinnati
The Huskies are playing more like anorexic Chihuahuas
BEARKATS 33-17

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
This game is played each year for the “Telephone Trophy”…..
I’m not making that up…
The Cowboys will lasso this Cyclones….
I saw it once in a movie called “Tall Tales”
It was “based” on fact….
COWBOY UP! 31-21

Florida State at Clemson
No Bowden Bowl this year….
Just and ole fashioned Tiger ass whipping…..
DABO’S TIGERS 33-28

Kansas at Kansas State
This instate rivalry is called “The Sunflower Showdown”
It’s played each year for the coveted Governors Cup
Anytime you have a rivalry game that has the word “Flower” in it……
it’s just not that big a deal outside your own state, it’s a rule.
HAWKS of JAY 34-17

Tennessee Tech at Georgia
The Eagles have the same chance of winning this game between the hedges
as Kenny Chesney does of discovering his heterosexuality.
In case you are keeping score, that would be slim and none.
HUNKER DOWN BULLDOGS 43-10

Wofford at Citadel
Sure it’s cool that Chewbacca has his own college…..
but the military of college of South Carolina’s Dogs will take a bite out of his hairy butt.
CAROLINA’S BULLDOGS 31-17

Duke at North Carolina
This battle on Tobacco Road is played for the “Victory Bell”
Which hasn’t seen the Blue Devil campus since Coach Steve was there….
That trend continues on Saturday…
TAR HEELS 24-17

Purdue at Michigan
This Big Ten matchup can only mean one thing….
You guessed it, another “rivalry trophy”
This game is played annually for the coveted “Sphincter Cannon”
If I were you, I would stay away from that thing when they fire it…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Washington at UCLA
I still believe in the Power of the Huskies….
At least this week I do….
HUSKIES 23-17

Hofstra at Delaware
Did you know when Lou Holtz says “Hofstra”…..
Mark May has to wear a dental shield to keep from getting sprayed in the face with spit.
Just thought you should know.
BLUE HENS 24-14

Furman at Auburn
Just for the record “Furry Man” is not a reference to my sister-in-law in a tube top.
If it was, it would be called “Run for your life! It’s a Yeti in damn tube top!”
I kind of made myself sick just thinking about it…
WAR DAMN EAGLES 43-14

Georgia Southern at Samford
That Fred Samford cracks me up with that whole shtick
“This is big one! I’m coming to see you Elizabeth”.
I don’t know what that has to do with this game.
I just thought I would mention it.
STATESBORO EAGLES 24-13

South Carolina at Arkansas
This game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl
Because you don’t know which team is going to show up for the game…
RAZORBACKS 33-28

Oregon at Stanford
Quack, Quack…..Quack, Quack…..Quack
ATTACK!
(I think that’s how it goes; I’ll ask Coach Pete, he should know…)
QUACKERS 34-24

Texas A&M at Colorado
Talk about your Schizophrenia
Neither of these teams has established anything that resembles an identity…
Other than they both have had the hell beat out of them by the Longhorns..
No wait, I am about two weeks ahead on that prediction for the Aggies, sorry.
GIG EM AGGIES 24-20

Wake Forest at Georgia Tech
Even Jimmy Swaggart won’t be able help the Demon Deacons this week, but he will go on a crying jag.
Which is nice…
YELLOW JACKETS 33-14

Wisconsin at Indiana
Just what we needed
Another Big Ten “rivalry” game!
This game between these two stalwarts of the conference…..
Is played each year for the coveted “Piñata of Meat”, which if I’m not mistaken is filled with “Pork by-products”.
This also may explain why there are no Muslims on the respective teams.
CHEESE BADGERS 31-17

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky
The Colonels will be reduced to Privates before halftime, believe it.
BIG BLUE WILDCATS 38-14

West Alabama at North Alabama
This Heart of Dixie Battle between West and North will go to the Roaring Lions..
You can take this pick to the bank
MIGHTY LIONS 34-10

Western Michigan at Michigan State
The Bronco’s are going to get spanked by Sparky…
Which is kind of a weird visual, I’m sorry about that
SPARTANS 34-17

Illinois at Minnesota
This storied Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Petrified Polar Bear Turd”
This is further evidence that both states are located ten miles from the Arctic Circle
FIGHT’N PUMKINS 33-24

Baylor at Missouri
MO knows Bear taming….
Need I say more?
MO’S TIGERS 31-17

Maryland at North Carolina State
I would watch this game but VH1 “Behind the Music” is having a special
On whatever happened to the cast of “Break’n 2 Electric Boogaloo”
I wonder if they are still “Pop’n and Lock’n”?
WOLFPACK 23-17

Syracuse at Pittsburgh
The Panthers are going to claw Otto the Orange to a pulp…
Thought that up myself…
PANTHERS 34-14

Louisville at West Virginia
This game isn’t what it once was…..
But it will end with couches burning into the Morgantown night….
Light Em if you got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Northwestern at Iowa
I love these Big Ten games….
Almost each and every game is played for “something” important
This game is certainly no different..
The rivalry between these two schools is played each year for the
“Snow Globe of Beef Jerky”
I shudder to think where they came up with the idea for this “trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 33-21

Memphis at Tennessee
This volunteer instate rivalry is played “every so often” as the media guide described for
“The Tennessee Cousin Bucket of Lovin”
They further state in the media guide….
“Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it…”
VOWELS 43-10

Brigham Young at Wyoming
Cowboy Down……
BRIGHAM’S COUGARS 31-10

Navy at Notre Dame
This game has two of the oddest mascots in college football..
A Goat and a Leprechaun….
Now, if they would let the Leprechaun ride the goat THEN I would watch it..
FIGHTN’ IRISH 34-24

Rice at Southern Methodist
My favorite pudding isn’t ready for the wild ponies….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Army at Air Force
The next to final game for the “Presidents Cup”…..
Aim High
FALCONS 28-14

Kent State at Akron
A game between “Zippy” and the “Golden Flashes”….
Sounds like the making of a Gay Pride Parade…
ZIPPY 23-17

Texas El Paso at Tulane
This rough season has reduced the Green Wave to chartreuse trickle
MINERS 34-17

Texas Christian at San Diego State
Have I mentioned lately that I picked the horned amphibians to go undefeated this year?
I know that I “mentioned it”, I was just bragging..
Sorry…….
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Worchester Tech at Susquehanna
This game really puts me in a quandary..
On one hand I love Worchester sauce and I think it’s cool that have a college for that..
But on the other hand I know Susie will threaten to whip my ass if I don’t pick her..
I won’t be intimidated..
SUSIE 23-17

Fresno State at Idaho
I wonder whatever happened to Mister Potato Head’s kids, Ida and Spud.
I hope he kept his eye on them….
Yeah, thought that up myself too.
BULLDOGS 31-28

Washington State at Arizona
I would watch this game this game
But QVC is going to have a sale on their “Rhesus Monkey Dentist Kits”.
Before you ask, “No”, I don’t have a monkey.
I just want to watch the demo
WILDCATS 24-17

New Mexico at Utah
This game highlights Ute’s and Lobos….
Sounds like a Disney Movie…
TWO UTES 34-17

Houston at Tulsa
Speaking of movies….
Is it just me, or did you want to see Apollo Creed in Apollo 13?
Never mind, it’s just me.
COUGARS 38-23

Southern California at Arizona State
Hey Pete, you want a Quacker?
That never gets old for me…
TROJAN$ 6-3

Utah State at Hawaii
This game only serves to remind me that I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Damn it…
WARRIORS Pop’n and Lock’n on RAINBOWS 31-24

Sunday November 8th

Nevada at San Jose State
Poor Jose…..
He is going to get beaten like a rented Burro….
As a side note…
This pick is much funnier when spoken out loud with a Mexican accent.
WOLFPACK 33-17

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend
More next week, so stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

Not a bad week last week my friends…..

Hit the Florida State and Clemson Upsets….

(No Need to Thank Me, It’s how I roll….)

For the week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
was 40 and 9 or 82% and that leaves us at 369 and 97 or 79% for the season.

(Kill the applause Sign)

We have a big weekend before us….

This week we have a variety of Big Eleven, I mean “Ten” games
being played for a multitude of trophies including Pig’s Feet and the occasional Bejeweled Stick of Oblongata.

In Jacksonville Florida we have, with all due disrespect to University of Georgia President Mike Adams,
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.”

And who can forget this weekend is the scariest of them all….

Yes my friends it’s “Halloween….”

And you all know what that means….

Little children come dressed as goblins and ghosts to your door and ask for candy….

Also, it’s time for Fat Phil Fulmer to rise out of the Pumpkin Patch and eat those very children that I mentioned above….

I pray none of your kids go dressed as a donut or a Bear Claw or they are goners for sure

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 29th

Valdosta Sate at West Georgia
The Wolves of West Georgia are outmatched in this instate battle…
I have a feeling this is going to get uglier than a Halloween costume contest at the Bowling alley on dollar beer night.
BLAZERS 38-10

North Carolina at Virginia Tech
Little known fact….
The Hokey Pokey is illegal to perform in 19 states and the District of Columbia
They are afraid that it really is what it’s all about…
HOKEY HOKEY HOKEY HI! 31-23

Friday October 30th

West Virginia at South Florida
The Bulls are hard to beat when the sun goes down…
But the Mountaineers brought couches and lighter fluid….
Light Em if you Got Em!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Saturday October 31st

Moravian at Ursinus
Morey better watch his Uranus or he is going to get his ass kicked.

Texas at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys will keep this one too close to call….
Believe it…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-23

Ole Miss at Auburn
I cannot in good conscience pull for the “new” politically correct Rebels….
Even if they are playing the Tigers of the Plains
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-28

West Carolina at Chattanooga
I still think a “catamount” sounds like something nasty is going on….
MOCCASINS 24-17

California at Arizona State
I would watch this game
But “Zamfir” will be playing his “Greatest” Pan Flute hits on PBS
GOLDEN BEARS 6-3

Carson Newman at Wingate
Wingate sounds the college is in a “gated community”
Now that’s just pompous
SPARKS EAGLES 34-17

Miami (FL) at Wake Forest
Hurricane season isn’t over until November 1st….
It’s the Law…
HURRICANES 33-10

Ouachita Baptist at West Alabama
I have been incorrect in my characterization of the “Ouachita” Baptists
They are the ones that don’t believe in wearing shorts, I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-10

Kansas State at Oklahoma
Even if their new quarterback has a “football” mustache the Mighty Sooners are still a force of nature….
You know what a football mustache is right?
It has eleven hairs on each lip….
BOOMER SOONER 24-14

James Madison at Delaware
I don’t know anything about Jimmy, but his wife makes awfully tasty little donuts.
Not that it matters here, but that Miss Dolly is a sweetheart…
BLUE HENS 31-28

New Mexico State at Ohio State
Custer stood a better chance at the Little Big Horn than the Aggies do in the Horseshoe.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 45-10

Cincinnati at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him on Saturday night…
Believe it..
BEARKATS 43-14

North Alabama at Arkansas Monticello
If you sing the song “Moon River” and substitute “Boll Weevil” for moon river in the song
it makes for a much more entertaining version of a timeless classic.
I just thought you should know…
FLORENCE’S LIONS 31-21

North Carolina State at Florida State
I read this week the Wolfpack quarterback is “maturing” in the offense….
I wonder if that means his voice is changing and he is growing hair in funny places..
SEMINOLES 34-14

Delta State at Arkansas Tech
They call Tech “The Wonder Boys”….
Before this one is over they are going to be wondering why they tangled
With the Fighting Okra!
FIGHTN’ OKRA 28-14

Kansas at Texas Tech
My beloved Red Raiders are not the team they were last year…
But they still know how to GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 33-31

Samford at Citadel
There must be a lot of money in the “junk” business
when Fred Samford can afford his own college. I wonder if Lamont is the President of the school?
BULLDOGS 24-13

Nebraska at Baylor
I am not joking around here Cornhuskers….
If you don’t win this game
I will hold Lil Red hostage until the Shoney’s Big Boy admits Lil Red is his less successful and pudgier younger brother…
It will be painful, but I will do it…
HUSKER POWER 24-17

Weber State at Montana
Don’t get me wrong….
I think it’s wonderful the people that make a great tailgating grill have their own college.
But this is Grizzly Country…
GRIZZZZZZZZZ 38-14

Eastern Michigan at Arkansas
This game will be like “Crouching Tiger hidden Dragon”
Without the crouching tigers or hiding dragons
Other than that it will be exactly the same…
RAZORBACKS 45-0

Missouri at Colorado
I am not sure about Curley and Larry…
But MO knows how to administer a Buffalo Butt Whipping….
MO’S TIGERS 24-21

Rutgers at Connecticut
The Huskies have redemption this weekend for a lost teammate…
Count on it…
HUSKIES 28-23

Mississippi Sate at Kentucky
In a role reversal of nature…
The Blue Cats tree the Bulldogs…..
Count on it…
BIG BLUE CATS 24-20

Arkansas State at Louisville
Finally Coach K gives the fans something to cheer about…
At least for another week
CARDINALS 38-10

Central Michigan at Boston College
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Chippewa’s take down the Boy’s from Chesnutt Hill..
I’m serious..
CHIPPEWA’S 31-28

UCLA at Oregon State
I bet Jerry Mathers is an Oregon State fan too…
How could he not be?
MIGHTY BEAVERS 38-17

Coastal Carolina at Clemson
I don’t know about you…
But I think “Chanticleer” sounds like a cold sore
I shudder to think what their mascot looks like…
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10

Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt
The Rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech are neither rambling nor wrecking…
And that’s not good news for the Commodores
YELLOW JACKETS 43-14

Duke at Virginia
I would watch this game
but the East Timor Chimpanzee Poop Flinging Competition is going to be on ESPN U.
This weeks its all about distance….
BLUE DEVILS 13-7

Purdue at Wisconsin
This Big Ten Battle is played each year for the coveted Amish Ass Hat of Cheese
One safety tip…
Don’t wear it in the sun…
Or out in public…
BADGERS 31-28

Indiana at Iowa
Another Big Ten Battle and you know what that means?
That’s right, another Battle for a coveted trophy and title.
This game is played for the “Prosthetic Pigs Foot of Des Moines”
It kind of reminds me of that one foot of my sister-in-law that looks like a hoof…
EYES of the HAWK 33-17

South Carolina at Tennessee
Don’t count out Coach Steve in this one, especially if Lane is still whining
Somebody needs to give that guy a pacifier..
VOWELS 23-17

Southern Miss at Houston
The Golden Eagles have a Houston size problem this week..
COUGARS 34-21

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
Coach June and the Boys have it together this week….
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MIGHTY MUSTANGS! 31-24

San Jose State at Boise State
Little known fact….
“Livin La Vida Loca” is Spanish for “Jose is going to get his ass kicked……”
BRONCOS 43-10

Georgia at Florida
Jacksonville Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Nothing but Gators…
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Michigan at Illinois
I think this “Big Ten” game is played for “Who has the Crappiest Weather” Trophy
Doesn’t matter, they are both ten miles from the Arctic Circle..
WOLVERINES 31-21

Iowa State at Texas A&M
Both of these teams have the exact same personality….
Except different…
CYCLONES 28-24

Temple at Navy
Did you know Bill Cosby went to Temple?
Yeah, that won’t matter on Saturday….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-14

UNLV at Texas Christian
Did I mention that I picked the Horned Amphibians to be undefeated?
I am still on track after this weekend…
HORNED FROGS 33-10

Air Force at Colorado State
This game is played for the “Ram-Falcon Trophy”
It is my understanding it will stay in Colorado Springs until Hell Freezes over…
FALCONS 31-17

Hawaii at Nevada
This reminds me…..
I need to get my “Dog the Bounty Hunter” fix….
I Love those guys…
WOLFPACK 33-14

Penn State at Northwestern
So “six” students in Happy Valley “aren’t” happy
over the “new” T-Shirt promoting the football team…
because they think it promotes Christianity?
Even though the design was voted on by the student body?

I guess we should call Boeing
and tell them to change the shape of their airplanes because the wings are in the shape of a cross.
What a bunch of ass monkeys…
Never mind…
JOE’S MIGHTY LIONS 24-14

New Mexico at San Diego State
You know what doesn’t rhyme with “Lobos”?
An Aztec ass whipping…
LOBOS 27-17

Washington State at Notre Dame
The Cougars have the same chance of winning this game as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a fitness model.
Slim and none..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-10

Tulane at LSU
The Battle for the Rag in Bayou Country…
By the time the Green Wave hear “O’ Say Can you see…….”
They will be behind by two touchdowns…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-10

Southern California at Oregon
I know what you are all thinking so I will say it for you…
“My God, Can’t they Both Lose?”
QUACKS 28-23

Michigan State at Minnesota
This traditional Big Ten Battle is played for the “Giant Twirling Baton of Corn Dog”
It’s always funny until somebody loses an eye…
SPARTANS 24-17

Wyoming at Utah
Two Ute’s and a Cowboy walk into a bar mitzvah with an armadillo in a leather jacket…
Sorry, I didn’t know you had heard that one..
TWO UTES 38-17

Sunday November 1st

Marshall at Central Florida
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 24-21

Enjoy your games and have a Great Weekend

Happy Halloween

RTR
MEB

So let’s take a moment to look at some team news and games of the past week.

And certainly I want to answer your long awaited emails….

Much like many of you….
At this point in the season I am just thankful that I am not on any liver donor list yet.

Enjoy your update!

TEAM NEWS

OLE MISS: So you want to change your fight song….
Because “some” Ole Miss student’s think the final verse of the Rebel fight song that says “And the South Shall Rise again…”
is somehow racist and should be changed?

I have a question..
When is this crap going to stop?

Are all you politically correct urchins that afraid of us Southerners?

You should be…
Because we Southerners have just about had all this force feed guilt we are going to take.

So continue with your agenda on “changing” us…

We will let you know when you are done…

CLEMSON: Who was the “Only” Prognosticator to pick the Tigers over the Hurricanes?
No need to thank me, I love you guys…

TENNESSEE: The Volunteers will not lose another game the rest of the season.
Remember you heard it here first…

However….

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Lane I know you are knew to the “real” coaching ranks..
But stop with the crying and whining after a tough game…
Your boys played their hearts out…
You do a disservice to the players by acting like a spoiled teenager after a loss.

Blaming the referees, the wind and Barney the Purple Dinosaur…
“IF” you knew anything about the series itself
You would know….
It’s not uncommon for the dominating team to lose the game..
I remember a game we dominated, until Jay Graham broke lose and we lost 20-13
I also remember an overtime game not so long ago that the Volunteers plucked away at the last moment.

It’s called life dumbass….
Get over it….

NEBRASKA: What the Hell Cornhuskers? What the Hell…

INDIANA: You Hoosiers, lost a two touchdown lead with minutes left in the game?
You know this screwed up my average for the week, right?

TEXAS: The Longhorns didn’t look that strong against a wounded Sooner team,
but they sure put the beat down on MO this week. Their real test is this week…

FLORIDA STATE: Who was the “only” Prognosticator to pick the Seminoles over the Heels? No need to thank me, it’s how I roll….

ALABAMA: I was going to write something clever here, but Mount Cody Blocked it…

OKLAHOMA: The Sooners aren’t the same without Bradford,
but they are still a force to be reckoned with.
If you don’t think so, let’s see a show of hands of “Who” wants to play them in a bowl game?
Boise State put your hands down…

PAC 10: I am beginning to believe I couldn’t pick one of your games correctly if you were playing the cast of “Sesame Street”, which by the way is a part of the “always” tough Southern California Trojans “road” schedule.

WASHINGTON: Bad Dogs……

CHATTANOOGA: Come on Moccasins, the playoffs aren’t out of reach….
It’s time to man up….

FLORIDA: I don’t know if the opposition has placed Kryptonite in the end zone to keep Superman out,
but the Gators better figure out the mystery before it’s too late.

OHIO STATE: This is a message for the few disgruntled Buckeye Fans…

Are you serious?
You want to run Coach Tressel out of town?

Have you forgotten John Cooper?

Have you forgotten the National Championship?

Have you forgotten the Buckeye Heisman Trophy winner?

Have you forgotten the dominance of the hated Maze and Blue?

You people (That’s right I said “you” people)
You should be ashamed of yourselves…

IOWA: I can’t believe it myself….
But the Eyes of the Hawk are for real
Believe it…

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Amphibians will be undefeated this year…
Just as I predicted…

BOSIE STATE: See Texas Christian “above”
No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me…

NORTH ALABAMA: I am thinking “another” National Championship for the Lions…
But if the young cubs don’t rediscover their offense they will never make it…

WEST VIRGINIA: To the Mountaineer Coaches, Players and Fans…
That was a class act honoring the fallen Connecticut Football Player on Saturday
First Class…..

SOUTHERN METHODIST: My Proud Ponies are down but they are far from out….

NCAA: So where are you on the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?
Are you all just too busy counting textbooks and checking on who’s fishing or what?

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I enjoy opening my emails with that catchy little diddy…
As you know I have become the Number One Kenny Rogers imitator in the tri-state area!
No thanks in small part to your Encouragement!
Anyway, the University of Cincinnati hasn’t answered my “offer” to sing the National Anthem at their next game.
I think it would give them “extra” luck if I were to sing and maybe throw in some
”Islands in the Stream” for good measure too!
So anyway, do you think you could contact the University of Cincinnati and see if you could get them to let me sing at the next game?
It will be glorious!
Jack McCracken – Cincinnati, Ohio

A: First, I want to go on record as “not encouraging you”,
Second I have to ask; you don’t know where I live do you?
But it case you were wondering, it’s a little hard to find town outside of Nome, Alaska.

Q: O’ Man! You did it!
I just read the article in Fox Sports that the refs for UF/Ark game were suspended.
They were the very same crew that worked (and screwed up) the LSU/UGA game.
Dude, you’ve got clout.
Thanks!
Hank – North Charleston, South Carolina

A: Be Thankful my Super Powers are always used for good…
Well, most of the time anyway…

Q: What wrong wit you? You no write back wit address on mascot we need change!
Military academy mascot no good, make us immigrants feel bad.
Navy goat look like honorable grandmother and Ho Chi Minn.
Army mule look like honorable grandfather, kick like him too.
Air Force falcon remind us of Hanoi bomb! Number ten very bad!
Ding Dung – San Francisco, California

A: I’m really sorry….
But every time I read “Ding Dung”
I think…
“Whose there?”

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
You picked the Delaware Blue Hens early in the season
and then you just stopped listing them. Is there a reason you stopped having them in your weekly picks?
Thanks!
Ben – Dover, Delaware

A: I will answer your email after I stop laughing hysterically….
“Ben Dover”….yes, I am that easily amused.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard
I been thinkin bout playin that Ga-Fla game game in Jacksonville again.
Well, I finally found a good excuse not to EVER play it down there.
If you sit and stare at that picture of a Flarda license plate what does it look like?
If you said it looks like some mans not so excited private parts, well, you’d be right.
So, we don’t want are children being exposed to any state sponsored pornography so we should never, EVER go to Flarda again!!!

http://www.dmvflorida.org/florida-license-plate.shtml

Do you think maybe we could use that excuse and get the game moved to Valdosta permanantly?
GO DAWGS!! WOOF WOOF!!
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: If nothing else Lemuel, you sir are persistent.

Q: Mike, what’s the deal?
Why do you hate Phil Fulmer so much?
Jimmie – Beaumont, Texas

A: Beyond his attack on the CBS College Football Game Day Studio Hosts..
Which by the way, is still under investigation

Fat Phil Fulmer is rumored to have killed David “Grasshopper” Carradine

I am still not over it…

Have a great week…
Your College Football Week 9 Picks will be out later..

RTR
MEB

I come to you this week from the confines of the Death Star…
As one of only a dozen Americans left here I wanted to share
Some observations you may be interested in…

The Storm Trooper outfits are surprisingly comfortable
Darth Vader isn’t as tall as I thought he would be….
Yoda from behind looks like a taxi cab with the doors open.
A small green taxi cab, but a taxi cab nonetheless.

But it’s like the “green guy” told me this past week…
“Write the picks you must, disappoint the fans you cannot”

My intergalactic transfer may explain my drop in numbers this past week….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather lousy 40 and 13 or 75%
and overall I stand at 329 and 88 or a subpar 79%.

But this is no time to look back because it is the Third Saturday in October.

And simply put, that means War.

Enjoy your picks!

Thursday October 22nd

Southern Arkansas at Delta State
They say people fall into two categories
Some people are “Dog” people, others are “Cat” people
Me? I’m an Okra man
FIGHTN” OKRA 24-14

North Alabama at Valdosta State
I know a lot of folks in south Georgia love their Blazers from Title Town..
But this is the year of the Lion..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Florida State at North Carolina
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coach Bobby gets back on track this week..
That is if he is awake from his nap in time…
SEMI-NOLES 28-17

Friday October 23rd

Rutgers at Army
The Black Knights of the Hudson have befuddled me all year
I pick them to Win and they can’t kick a 20 yard field goal…

EDITORS NOTE: This may explain their inability to hit a stationary target with artillery.
But that is another story for another time…

I pick them to Lose and they beat Vanderbilt…
What gives?
If you guys could confuse the enemy as well as you confuse me we would have wrapped the war up five years ago…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 34-17

Lane at Stillman
You don’t really care about this game do you?
I didn’t think so…

Saturday October 24th

Florida at Mississippi State
The Bully Dogs will keep it close…
But I am convinced Superman really does wear number 15.
MIGHTY GATORS 28-14

Texas at Missouri
MO may know football….
But he doesn’t know jack squat about stampedes…
Light the Tower…
LONGHORNS 31-17

Tennessee at Alabama
This game is Democrats and Republicans
Cowboys and Indians
Oil and Water
Jews and Arabs
Except it’s worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17

Juniata at Moravian
I have no idea what this Mexican kid is thinking..
Ever since she had a “bad experience” at the Beauty Shop
Juanita has been in a bad mood and spoiling for a fight…
JUANITA 24-10

Penn State at Michigan
I have on good authority if Coach Rod’s wife attempt’s to “Ugly” the Lion’s into submission
(Which she is more than capable of by the way)
Joe Pa will melt her like the wicked witch of the west with the powerful magnification of his reading glasses.
Go ahead, Dare him too.
JOE PA’S LIONS 33-28

Brevard College at Carson Newman
I knew a rich kid when I was in school named Brevard..
He was a booger eater…
Sorry for the visual
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Arkansas at Ole Miss
For the folks from Oxford
All that National Championship and Heisman Trophy talk seems kind of silly now, doesn’t it?
RAZORBACKS 34-17

Chattanooga at Elon
I was told Moccasin Bend is the Mental Heath Hospital on the Tennessee River.
Does that make the Moccasins crazy?
Yes, Crazy Good!
MOCCASINS 28-24

Washington State at California
You want to know what I find interesting about this game?
Nothing…
BEARS 3-2

Oklahoma at Kansas
Coach Stoops should have started Bradford later than sooner.
But I still have faith in the Mighty Sooners…
BOOMER SOONERS 31-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia
This game is going to be uglier than when we trim my sister-in-law’s foot that looks like a hoof.
And that is really saying something…
YELLOW JACKETS 43-10

Georgia Southern at Appalachian State
This game will be a battle from start to finish….
Believe it…
MOUNTAINEER’S 33-28

Oklahoma State at Baylor
The Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest in the country.
I suspect they will need it when this is over…
COWBOY UP! 38-10

Louisville at Cincinnati
The Game is played annually for the Bucket of Nails..
That’s ironic…
Because this game will be the final nail in Coach K’s career at the Ville.
BEARKATS 34-17

Virginia Military Institute at Presbyterian
The weather is turning colder in the South…
So I have to go with..
BLUE HO’S 23-17

Iowa State at Nebraska
I know what you are thinking…
Last week I picked the Huskers to win and they lost…
I picked the Cyclones to lose and they won…
I won’t miss this week..
Believe it
HUSKERS 24-17

Clemson at Miami
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call me crazy if you want too…
It’s nothing I haven’t heard from “so called” mental health professionals
DABO’S TIGERS 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: Is it my fault all those ink pictures look like midgets riding possums with wings?
I think I made my point..

Ursinus at McDaniel College
This may not come as a surprise to many of you..
I was the kid in school that always got in trouble for laughing
When the teacher talked about the planet “Uranus…”
I don’t care who you are that’s just a funny word…
Forget I mentioned it…
URANUS 23-17

Louisiana Monroe at Kentucky
Unless I missed something here…
I think Monroe has a Kentucky ass whipping coming to him…
BIG BLUE CATS 38-14

Maryland at Duke
Last Night it was erroneously reported the Blue Devils had a “Big” Pep Rally in honor of this game.
I would like to clear up that misunderstanding for you readers.
Unfortunately the Pep Rally was for the “Math-a-maniacs” team, not the football team.
Sorry…
NINJA TURTLES 28-23

Wartburg at Dubuque
To be honest here
Warts make me want to Dubuque

Akron at Syracuse
Just for the record….
I still think Otto the Orange may be Fat Phil Fulmer…
Except slimmer…O’ ORANGE 31-24

South Florida at Pittsburgh
I wish this were an upset special….
But it won’t be….
And that’s No Bull..
PANTHERS 33-21

Oregon at Washington
Call it Prognosticators Intuition….
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUSKIES 23-21

Connecticut at West Virginia
You want to know what “victory” smells like in Morgantown.
Burning Couches…
Light em if you got em!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-17

Colorado at Kansas State
They should title this game “The Sybil Bowl”
Between these two teams there have to be at least a half-dozen personalities
WILDCATS 24-20

Illinois at Purdue
You know what Big Ten games mean right?
That’s right, another Big Rivalry for a Trophy!
This game is played for the “Purdue Cannon”
But more important…
The winner of this game…
Has the inside track on the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Dahlonega Georgia.
BOILERMAKERS 27-23

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
The Commodores are down and Steve’s Boys are destined to rebound….
GAMECOCKS 34-14

Texas A&M at Texas Tech
My Dear, Loyal Aggie faithful….
Do you want R.C. Slocum’s cell number?
Just wondering..
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-14

Minnesota at Ohio State
The Gophers may be O’ So Golden….
But the Buckeyes have a mean on this week….
BUCKEYES 34-10

Indiana at Northwestern
Another Big Ten Rivalry Game!
This Game is played for the “Prosthetic Eye of Newt”
I have no idea what Newt is going to do all year without his glass eye
HOMERS 24-20

UAB at Marshall
Three words for you….
“WE ARE MARSHALL”
THUNDERING HERD 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please no more email question about Matthew McConaughey,
I cannot in good conscience give out my buddy’s personal information.

Northern Illinois at Miami (OH)
I am not trying to give anyway any secrets here…
But the winner of this game is a leading candidate for the prestigious
Toe Nail Fungus Bowl in Minot North Dakota.

Boston College at Notre Dame
This old rivalry has more trophies and titles than Carter has Liver Pills.
You don’t think so?
The Game is called “the Holy War”
It’s played for the “Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl” and “The Ireland Trophy”
They could simply this whole process if they just played this game for the coveted..
“Bejeweled Stick of Gout”
FIGHTN’ IRISH 38-17

Wake Forest at Navy
Congratulations to the Midshipmen
for last weeks win over my SMU Mustangs and receiving the “Gansz Trophy”
The pain still lingers for me….
MIDSHIPMEN 34-14

Air Force at Utah
Everybody knows I love those Falcons….
But my cousin Vinny Likes the Two Ute’s
TWO UTES 31-24

UCLA at Arizona
I was going to watch this game but I heard Wynonna Judd is going to wrestle a Black Bear on Pay-per-View.
I am sorry, that’s can’t miss entertainment.
Plus I hear they are going to wear sombreros
BRUINS 5-3

Iowa at Michigan State
YES! Another game for a “Trophy” in the Big Ten!
This one is played for the “Triangular Clump of Manure”
It’s prestigious..
EYES of the HAWK 24-20

Tulane at Southern Miss
Doesn’t the term “Green Wave” sound like somebody let their swimming pool go…
Maybe it’s just me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-17

Texas Christian at Brigham Young
This game promises to be a slug fest…
But the altitude and the Cougars can’t stop the horned amphibians.
HORNED FROGS 24-21

Southern Methodist at Houston
My Proud Ponies will keep this one close…
Real Close….
COUGARS 33-28

Oregon State at Southern California
Beaver Jim, your wish is my command sir…
I hope your plan works…
TROJAN$ 44-10

Auburn at LSU
Tigers and Tigers…..
But I am partial to Mike the Tiger….
Maybe it’s the name?
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 24-14

Arizona State at Stanford
The only good thing about this game..
Is the opportunity to show you evidence of the dumbest damn mascot in College Football

CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: For those of you wanting to object to my observation and believe Evergreen State has the dumbest mascot, they hold the distinction of the “grossest” mascot. Glad I could clear that up..
Thanks Beaver Jim for the disturbing photo..

Sunday October 25th

Boise State at Hawaii
This game reminds me that I am missing “Dog the Bounty Hunter”
Damn It…
BRONCOS 38-14

Methodist at Averett
I can’t believe the Methodist are playing football on Sunday…
I bet Averett is a Methodist too.
This is sacrilegious, Sunday is for Professional Football
It’s in the Bible, Book of Landry, Look it up…

I understand Hootie will have an update next week on the status of his new restaurant
purchased with his “stimulus package”.
So stay tuned..

Have a Great Weekend

RTR
MEB

EDITORS NOTE: And by making the statement “much Like Willie Nelson……”
In no way infers that I will be riding around on a tour bus smoking marijuana, singing songs and eating Cheeto’s.

My friends I have to depart to less friendly shores for a few months…
but I want to assure you that although there will be a “slight” disruption to your weekly reading..
I want to reassure you all the Weekly Pick’s will be right on time.

Thank you for your patience

RTR
MEB

Unlike the MSN Fox Sports Southern California Trojan loving “writer” Lisa Horne
This article and subsequent College Football Picks will be in English, not Ebonics, Pig Latin
or any other damn guttural slang.

Her latest article was entitled….
“Who’s Gett’n Diss’d by the Polls”
I am assuming this means…
“Which college football teams are not getting any respect from the pollsters?”

Simply put…
If you look up “Dumbass” in Webster’s Dictionary
It says…
“See Lisa Horne”

EDITORS NOTE: Lisa Horne makes Hootie Snitch look like Bill Shakespeare.

Now on to this weeks Picks…

This weekend we have Homecoming at the Capstone..
The Red River Shoot Out…
And the Battle for the Jeweled Shillelagh..
Which I am assuming is better than the battle for the infected shillelagh.
That’s just a guess.

Last week we got back on track at 49 and 10 or a vastly improved 83%
Overall we moved up at 289 and 75 or a slight improvement to 79%.

We have a lot of games to cover this week, so let’s get to it.
But as a side note…
I sure wish I was in Big D at the Texas State Fair this Weekend…
It’s going to be something to see

Enjoy your games!

Wednesday October 14th

Boise State at Tulsa
Not that I have an “inside track” on this game..
I just feel real comfortable with this pick..
Trust me…
BRONCOS 28-21

Thursday October 15th

Cincinnati at South Florida
This game is going to be a dog fight from start to finish
But the Boys from Chili Town are too tough for the Bulls
BEARKATS 34-21

Delta State at North Alabama
Nobody doubts my love of Okra, fighting or fried.
But the Mighty Lions of Alabama are just that…
LIONS ROAR 33-14

Saturday October17th

Arkansas at Florida
I won’t doubt the power of the Gators or the courage of Superman again
MIGHTY GATORS 28-14

Valdosta State at Harding
What was Harding thinking scheduling this game?
Harding better stay out that cider, I believe it’s turned hard.
BLAZERS 38-10

South Carolina at Alabama
Homecoming at the Capstone
What I wouldn’t give to be in T-Town on Saturday…
I can almost smell that Dream Land BBQ from here…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17

California at UCLA
Let’s face it…
I have been lousy as hell picking PAC 10 games lately.
So I was forced to do something drastic to change my luck
I listened to an entire Boy George CD….backwards.
GOLDEN BEARS 24-20

EDITORS NOTE: The pain I go through to satisfy some fans…

Ohio State at Purdue
The Boilermakers have the same chance of winning this game..
as Rosie O’Donnell does of being in Playboy magazine. Bovine Monthly maybe…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-13

Virginia Tech at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck will soon learn the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about.
FIGHTN’ TURKEYS 24-20

Arkansas – Monticello at West Alabama
I finally figured out why the Boll Weevil mascot looks so familiar…
My sister-in-law “having a bad hair day…”
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

Missouri at Oklahoma State
I have a question for the folks in Stillwater…
Where has the “Prairie Wind” touched you?
I’m just wondering..
COWBOY UP! 31-21

Texas Tech at Nebraska
Last year the Huskers “almost” won the game against the Red Raiders
There won’t be an “almost” this Saturday…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17

Kansas at Colorado
Please stop asking….
For the last time my sister-in-law is not be the “stunt” buffalo for Colorado.
She is busy filming the latest “Messing with Sasquatch” commercials.
Before you ask..
Yes, she got the “lead” part…
JAY of the HAWK 31-14

Georgia at Vanderbilt
The Big Dawgs break the chain this weekend…
Believe it
BAD DAWGS 33-13

Carson Newman at Lenoir Rhyne
I wonder if Lenoir is related to Leann Rhynes?
That gal is a home wrecker…
Not that it matters much here
SPARKS EAGLES 38-20

Delaware State at Michigan
There is no truth to the rumor..
that Coach Rod’s comment concerning the “ugly” game with Iowa
was a reference to having to set next to his wife on the plane trip back to Ann Arbor.
Glad I could clear that up…
WOLVERINES 54-0

Kentucky at Auburn
The Cats have one of the toughest schedules in the nation
It doesn’t get any better this weekend with the starting Cat quarterback out
Believe it
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-14

Ouachita Baptist at Southern Arkansas
I am still not really sure what an Ouachita Baptist is…
But I do know these fundamental truths about religion..
Jewish people don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah
Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as a deity
And we Baptists don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or at the Liquor store.
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 43-17

Baylor at Iowa State
The cyclones can’t generate enough wind to make a decent popcorn fart.
BEARS 31-21

North Carolina State at Boston College
The Wolfpack lost to Duke last Saturday…
That’s the equivalent of a grown man being beaten up by a four year old
Enough said….
CHESTNUTT HILL EAGLES 28-14

MIT at West New England
I had no idea MIT had a football team…
I know when my wife’s cousin-in-law attended the Mississippi Institute of Technology
They had a tire treading competition and a dairy judging team.
Who knew they had a football team?
MISS TECH 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
When you read “Cousin-in-law”, you thought, “Next on Springer”

Virginia at Maryland
I don’t know what they have been feeding the ninja turtles lately
But they need to keep doing it…
NINJA TURTLES 24-14

Colgate at Georgetown
Honestly..
This game was just a placeholder to remind me I need to pick some toothpaste

Wake Forest at Clemson
I don’t know why….
But every time I hear “Demon Deacons”
I think of Jimmy Swaggart all liquored up jumping up and down on a motel room bed
Sorry for the visual..
DABO’S TIGERS 31-17

Texas A&M at Kansas State
I hope PETA doesn’t hear about this game…
Because the wildcats are going to get gigged this Saturday
GIG EM AGGIES 23-14

Sam Houston State at Southeastern Louisiana
Sam Houston is a Hero of the Texas Revolution…
That’s good enough for me…
SAM’S CLUB 43-10

Central Michigan at Western Michigan
I don’t know about you but until recently
I thought “Chippewa’s” referred to a fancy name for chipped beef on toast
CHIPPEWA’S 33-17

Oklahoma at Texas
Dallas Texas….
The Texas State Fair…
Big Tex…
The Midway….
The Cotton Bowl..
This is a grudge match of biblical proportions
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 31-27

Louisville at Connecticut
Cardinal fans, did I mention Tommy Tuberville would like to coach again?
You know he’s available right?
Now would be a good time to call him..
HUSKIES 28-17

Northwestern at Michigan State
Sparky has got more spark than a dyslexic electrician
Not really sure what that means, but it sounded good the first time I said it.
SPARTANS 33-27

Iowa at Wisconsin
This Big Ten matchup is played for another coveted trophy..
Aren’t they all?
“The Heartland Trophy”
This trophy kind of looks like a foot with four toes; which is weird.
HAWKEYES 24-14

UAB at Ole Miss
There is good news here for the Blazers..
They don’t have to drive very far to get their ass kicked
NUTTY REBELS 44-10

Miami (OH) at Ohio
This Battle in the Buckeye State is played for the highly coveted..
“Monkey Clump Trophy”
I think it’s sponsored by Purina
BOBCATS 24-21

Wyoming at Air Force
Last week I predicted the Cowboy upset…
This week they will just be upset….
FALCONS 33-14

Southern California at Notre Dame
This game is played each year for the Jeweled Shillelagh
But for me this game…
Is like trying to decide who to pull for in a war between Iran and Syria.
FIGHTING IRISH 33-28

Minnesota at Penn State
It’s like Joe Pa always says…
“O’ So Golden Gophers….The other white meat”
JOE’S LIONS 28-17

Houston at Tulane
The Green Wave haven’t seen a storm like this since Katrina
COUGARS 44-14

Rice at East Carolina
Rice has one of the finest aeronautical engineering programs in the country
Yeah, that won’t help them much this weekend
PIRATES 31-17

Chattanooga at Georgia Southern
The Eagles are beat up and the boys from Moccasin Bend are for real
This one may be over before it starts…
MOCCASINS 28-24

Marshall at West Virginia
Nothing is bigger this weekend in West “By God” Virginia
The Friends of Coal Bowl for the Governor’s Cup
This is serious business
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Colorado State at Texas Christian
I know the question that is on your minds…
Can the Rams beat the horned amphibians this weekend?
Does the Pope poop in the woods?
HORNED FROGS 27-14

Mississippi State at MTSU
The Smurf Raiders of Murfreesboro will be left Blue when this one is over.
BULLY DOGS 31-17

Hawaii at Idaho
I wish “Dog the Bounty Hunter” had his own cable channel
But sometimes I just wish for too much…
VANDALS 28-14

Brigham Young at San Diego State
This game will be close until the opening kickoff….
I’m serious it really will be…
COUGARS 38-14

Stanford at Arizona
The Cardinal is for real, but their mascot “tree” is dumb as hell.
What do you expect from California; go figure
CARDINAL 24-10

New Mexico State at Louisiana Tech
The Dogs have been screwing up my average each week like it’s their job
They better Bark up this weekend..
I mean it..
BULLDOGS 24-20

Illinois at Indiana
Another Big Ten game, another game for a “coveted” rivalry trophy
This game is played each year for the “Velvet Scooter”
I think it was originally donated by the Liberace Foundation
ILLI-NOISE 24-21

Memphis at Southern Miss
The Boys from Hattiesburg rebound this weekend against Elvis’s Tigers.
Thank you, thank you very much.
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

Citadel at Western Carolina
I don’t know what a Catamount is, but it sounds nasty.
BULLDOGS 28-24

Miami (FL) at Central Florida
Another Battle in the Land of Disney for supremacy of the Sunshine State
Well, more like whose Second Best actually…
HURRICANES 38-10

Navy at Southern Methodist
I wish this were an “upset special”
But it isn’t…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-24

Washington at Arizona State
The Devils from the Sun play more like the residents of Sun City
HUSKIES 24-14

Utah at UNLV
So these two Ute’s were in Vegas to see David Copperfield…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one…
UTES 38-10

Enjoy your games and have a great weekend…

More College Football news to follow…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

No my friend you did not….

If you want to know what my problem is with the NCAA
then look no further than the question the gentleman proposed.

The national sports media refuses to discuss or mention the U$C investigation or Reggie Bush
because they are prostitutes to the NCAA and the rapidly declining American Dollar.
Well paid prostitutes, but prostitutes none the less.

I can hear the howls from the West Coast now….
“If there was anything to it (They will say…)
then the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA would have discovered something by now.”

I got news for you…
Those damn fools couldn’t find an elephant if they were tied to its tail
and you want to know why, because “they” don’t want to find anything.
“They” want this to just all go away….

The “investigators” at the PAC 10 Conference and the NCAA make Hootie Snitch look like Melvin Purvis.

Beyond the above photographic evidence and Reggie Bush’s momma’s house paid for by Reggie’s then registered sports agent while he was still a student athlete for the Trojans, let me simply say this…

So O.J. Simpson and Snoop Dog and a host of other “former” athletes and convicted felons can “hang out” (according to Pete Carroll) in the Trojan locker room, football practice and on the sidelines of games, but Mr. Bryant of Oklahoma State can’t have any “interaction” with a former athlete like Deon Sanders?

The Los Angeles Times and other publications have reported
that sports agents have been a fixture in the Trojan locker room during the Pete Carroll era.
So that’s O.k.?

So where are we today with the NCAA?

The NCAA continues to fight Florida State University
on the release of their “investigation” into alleged academic fraud by some student athletes at the university.
I say “alleged” because the NCAA is afraid to have their “investigation” released to the public for their review and critique.

Yet the NCAA is silent on the “investigation” on Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

In Tuscaloosa….
The University of Alabama sent a strongly worded appeal to the NCAA which was met with even stronger verbiage form the NCAA Committee on Infractions that levied textbook sanctions against the Crimson Tide.
The COI called the University of Alabama “a serial repeat violator” with an “abysmal infractions track record” and a “extensive recent history of infraction cases unmatched by any other member institution in the NCAA,” in responding to the textbook appeal, according to documents released by the university on Tuesday.
The University of Alabama fired back to the COI statements by saying..
“At least 27 institutions have experienced the same number or more major infractions cases than the University of Alabama. Characterizing the University of Alabama as “abysmal” therefore maligns half of the PAC 10, half of the Big 12 and three schools in the ACC and four members of the Big 10.”

The COI argued that Alabama could have received harsher penalties.
This of course is the kind of response we have come to expect from the NCAA dictatorship, isn’t it?
To that the University replied, “If the COI has vacated all contests for all student athletes who received impermissible benefits, it would have found itself vacating contests based on benefits as small as 35 cents.”
Yet, we hear nothing from the NCAA on the “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans and when did that “investigation” supposedly begin 2006?

So what should be done about the NCAA?
It’s simple….
The members of this “institution” need to revolt
Revolt and hold the NCAA hostage for a change
The member institutions should “Demand……”
If the NCAA doesn’t change their tactics and become more consistent
in all they do they we will secede from this corrupt organization.
If this is too tough for beginners, then how about this for starters..
tell us about the status on the NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans.

You won’t punish them then you ain’t punishing us..
that’s how it should work.

I have had many people tell me…
that secession from the NCAA could never happen..
because colleges and universities are afraid they would be outcasts from the collegiate sports community.

What happened to this country?
We used to be brave and courageous people
There was a time when we didn’t tolerate dictators

Now we are afraid of our own shadows…

We would rather listen to a lie and subject ourselves to abuse rather than revolt and cast off a dictatorship.

My Friends it’s time to be bold, courageous and brave and Secede from the NCAA

“Nex Usquequaque ut Tyrannus”

RTR
MEB

We have a serious problem in this country…
No, not that one, the “other” serious one….

No not that serious one, the “other” serious one…

I know this is going to bruise some feelings but this has to be addressed….
I am speaking of sports commentator’s ritual of “Inventing” words that do not exist.

Now it seems like everybody is getting on board…
Let’s face it folks….
Just because you say a word or make-up a name doesn’t make it so.
Case in Point….
Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted disease not a Swahili word for “beautiful flower”.
Say it all you want, name whoever you want that, it doesn’t change what the word really means.

Along these lines I am convinced CBS College Football Today is required to use the word “Trick-a-ration” three times an hour or they won’t get paid.
Use it all you want, guess what? It isn’t a damn word.
Same goes for the word “Fumble-roo-ski”.
Why do we have to put a polish spin on it? I don’t get it…
How about using the word “Trick Play” instead?
That phrase we understand.
Just for the record, each time I hear somebody on CBS College Football Today uses “Trick-a-ration” which in case you were wondering is used three times an hour even if the situation doesn’t warrant it, it makes my head want to pop off.

There are other words too you know what I am talking about, right?

Like “Phys-i-cal-a-ty”….
Guess what? That isn’t a damn word jackass.
A Player can be “physical” or he can demonstrate “physical play” but he doesn’t have “Phys-i-cal-a-ty”.
This is just plain stupid, but the commentators say it anyway don’t they?

Maybe this ridiculous trend all started with “American Idol”
and the glue sniffing Paula Abdul using the made up word “Mus-i-cal-a-ty”.
Which in case you were wondering isn’t a damn word, but was used by Paula in the following context; As in “His Mus-i-cal-a-ty” was so amazing, like the mus-i-cal-aty, was at the heart, you know?”

EDITORS NOTE: For full effect of the above word, please slur your words and roll your eyes while utilizing it in a sentence. It still won’t mean any damn thing; it will simply give other people watching additional elements of the absurd to laugh at..

The word “Amazing” in the above paragraph leads me to something else
The Over use of words

Everybody knows somebody that performed Mike Myers Austin Power’s imitations until you would flee in terror no matter where you saw him, church, grocery store, didn’t matter. You were out’a there…

EDITORS NOTE: For those of you that wondered why people conveniently went the other way when they saw you, I have some untimely news for you.
You were “that guy” mentioned above.
Sorry

That is how I feel about over used words and the people that use them…
Sounds like the title of my next book…
Like that would be so amazing, like it was simply amazing that I even thought about it you know?
Amazing that so many idiots can only use one word to describe a single event from the launching of the space shuttle which is still “Amazing” to Jessica Simpson’s new “Amazing” shoes which are not so amazing.

But I digress let’s get back to College Football….
It is important to note that people can provide information and be helpful..
but they cannot however be “Infor-mation-al”. What the hell does that even mean?

And while we are on the topic..
For the love of God, please stop using the term “Swagger”…
As in …
“We got our swagger back….”
“They really have some swagger out there Jim…”
“Where is their Swagger today Bob?”

I would rather hear your annoying friend..
dust off his Austin Powers “O’ Behave…”imitation than hear this overused term again.

Just so we agree…
“Swagger” is a product from Old Spice..
Not a catchy term for “Confidence” and even though I wish the terms were interchangeable, they are not.

And lastly….
As if this logic wasn’t difficult enough to follow…
Sports Commentators and College Football in general use words that we all believe have a single meaning, but in reality means something entirely different..
Case in point…
Most of us know what “suspended indefinitely” or “kicked off the team” means.

But at the University of Oregon, those terms mean something entirely different…
Those words actually mean “Three weeks”…
Who Knew?

More Later in the Week…
So Stay Tuned..

RTR
MEB

That was a “celebration” penalty?

It would appear that a new batch of Southeastern Conference Referees have decided to challenge the “infamous” Penn Wagers for the title of “Worse Ref in College Football”.

But have no fear my disgruntled Bulldogs…
You have a friend here..

As promised…
I present to you the Officiating Crew of Last Weeks fiasco between the Hedges and as a side note…
If you want to send any of them a nice card for Columbus Day or perhaps even a decorative cookie tin filled to the brim with a token of your esteem, please let me know and I will gladly forward you their home addresses.

Why you may ask?
Because I care…

The Officials of the now Infamous LSU Tiger – Georgia Bulldog Game…

These guys really put the “K” in Quality….

Referee: Marc “Which way did they go?” Curles
Umpire: Ronnie “Glass Eye” Jones
Linesman: W. Randall “No Clue” Kizer
Line Judge: Michael “Don’t call me” Shirley
Back Judge: Michael “I (Heart) Meth” Watson
Field Judge: Greg “Tootsie” Thomas
Side Judge: Jess “Doo-Doo” Dupuy
Scorer: Joe “I Hate Georgia” Sturniolo
Replay Official: Al “Alcoholic” Ford

Have a great weekend…

RTR
MEB

Much like the Oklahoma, Houston and Seminole fans last weekend…
Your favorite college football prognosticator will hence forth refer to last weekends games as..
The “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”.

I am sure the above fans will gladly agree with me on that point, but before I unveil my embarrassing statistics from the “Weekend that will no longer be mentioned”, I want to offer my three favorite excuses for my lackluster performance.
1. The Sun was in my eyes while I was making the picks…
2. There is no doubt I had a rock in my shoe when I was making the picks last week..
3. Frankly, I don’t make very good decisions while I am on artificial turf….

And as a side note….
It doesn’t help that I am making the picks while wearing a leaf bag around my waist
Don’t ask…
You really don’t want to know…
Damn Kangaroo Flu…

Last week: 36 and 19 (Ouch!!!!!!) at 65%

Overall: 240 and 65 at 79% ( No comment….)

Enjoy the Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 8th

Nebraska at Missouri
MO knows offense, but the Huskers have the Black Shirts
This will be a good one to watch from start to finish
And the Victory Bell goes too…..
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Colgate at Princeton
I don’t care and neither should you
But it is nice to know they named a college after my favorite toothpaste

Arkansas Monticello at West Georgia
This is clearly my “Game of the Night”
The Wolves of West Georgia and the Mighty Boll Weevils of Arkansas
That’s right I said “Boll Weevils”…
Tell me this mascot doesn’t scare you…

Enough said….
BOLL WEEVILS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Also…
The Arkansas Boll Weevil mascot is called “Weezie”
Which is no relation to a character on the once popular television series “The Jefferson’s”
Just thought you should know…

North Greenville at North Alabama
The Mighty Lions of Florence Roar once again…
LIONS 34-17

Friday October 9th

Louisiana Tech at Nevada
I have counted the Bulldogs out of too many games this year and gotten bit every time.
Not this week…
BULLDOGS 31-17

Saturday October 10th

Colorado at Texas
Someone actually wrote me about this game last year and asked me…
“How were they supposed to distinguish..
between the respective schools mascots of a Buffalo and a Longhorn..
which one was actually my sister-in-law?”
That is so ridiculous, I can’t even believe it!
She was the one wearing flip-flops.
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-14

Alabama at Ole Miss
This is going to be a tussle in the Grove from start to finish…
Believe it…
CRIMSON TIDE 28-23

Eastern Illinois at Penn State
There is only room for one Big Cat in this game..
And it ain’t the Panthers…
JOE PA’s LIONS 38-10

Wisconsin at Ohio State
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 24-17

Delta State at West Alabama
The Tigers of West Alabama can’t handle the Fighting Okra….
Why you may ask?
Because they are “Fighting Okra”, that’s why….
FIGHTING OKRA 31-20

Baylor at Oklahoma
I wouldn’t take the Bears for granted in this game…
Or it will be Sooner, Later…
BOOMER SOONERS 24-17

The Citadel at Elon
I wish I had better news for the Bulldogs of the Military College of South Carolina
But I don’t…
THE CUBAN KID 31-21

Catawba at Carson Newman
Why someone thought it was a “good idea”…
to name their college after a bunion is beyond me, what’s next “Hemorrhoid Tech”?
Never mind, I believe that’s in California
SPARKS EAGLES 33-28

Boston College at Virginia Tech
I got some bad news for the fan’s from Chesnutt Hill..
The Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about…
HOKIES 33-17

Georgia Tech at Florida State
I never thought I would see the day that Coach Bobby would be on the hot seat…
But after this week, he will have both cheeks firmly planted on it.
YELLOW JACKETS 28-17

Florida A&M at Miami
Leroy Vann is faster than the Rattler’s namesake….
But that won’t save him from the eye of the Hurricane
HURRICANES 34-10

Houston at Mississippi State
Bulldog Jim, I wish I had better news my friend….
I am afraid the Cats have a mean on…
COUGARS 31-23

Chattanooga at Samford
I used to know a Sam Ford once…
He was a horse’s ass….
MIGHTY MOCCASINS 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas
Both of these teams are heading in the same direction…
No where…
HAWKS of JAY 23-17

Susquehanna at Rochester
Susie and Rocky?
Sounds like the basis for Rocky VIX
Never mind….
SUSIE 21-17

Georgia at Tennessee
Both teams are beaten up and badly in need of a win…
This is going to be one heck of a game….
HUNKER DOWN DAWGS 28-23

EDITORS NOTE: I know it pains me to say this…
But it’s getting more difficult each week to criticize Coach Lane Kiffin
When Coach Phil was at Beacon Hill..
“Discipline” and the football team went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.
Coach Lane won’t tolerate any foolishness from the players..
and will dismiss them from the team in a New York minute.
Believe that?
Under Coach Phil’s watch Tennessee players used to stroll to games like they bought their clothes from “Thugs or Us”, once a volunteer player even wore a loin cloth to the game, true story.
And now the players have to wear coats and ties to games and leave their Mr. T starter kits at home.
I have even noticed a change in some Volunteer fans…
What is going on?
Doesn’t Coach Lane realize this hurts my column?

Georgia Southern at North Carolina
The Eagle has been grounded…..
HEELS of TAR 38-10

Auburn at Arkansas
This game has all the potential to be a Barn Burner..
No Pun intended..
RAZORBACKS 33-24

Harding at Ouachita Baptist
I am not sure what an “Ouachita” Baptist does…
Unless they are the folks that handle rattlesnakes during a service
Harding better watch himself, those things will bite you…
SNAKE HANDLING BAPTIST 38-10

Oregon at UCLA
I would rather play nude twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game…
QUACKS 6-5

EDITORS NOTE: Like I wasn’t sick enough with the Kangaroo Flu….
I had to make myself throw up over that comment…

Southern Miss at Louisville
Coach K and the Cardinals are down and they ain’t getting up…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: Cardinal Fans take note….
Coach Tommy Tuberville is lounging in Alabama right now looking for a job..
I know he has the personality of a Jackass eating briars….
But the boy can spell “Defense”….
Just a thought…

Duke at North Carolina State
The winner of this semi-bitter instate rivalry receives coupons to Burger King.
I am not sure if that includes a complimentary decorative paper crown
More on this story as it develops.
WOLFPACK 31-28

Maryland at Wake Forest
This game features amphibians and televangelists…
I honestly have no idea which team is going to show up for this one..
The truth is…
They don’t either…
NINJA TURTLES 23-17

West Virginia at Syracuse
I was asked to say something “positive” and “uplifting” about the Orange this week.
O.K., here goes…
You all don’t suck as bad as you did last year..
How’s that?
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-17

Stanford at Oregon State
I would rather watch my wife’s uncle Todd’s colonoscopy video (again..)
In it’s entirety…
Than watch another PAC 10 game…
CARDINAL 6-3

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering…
The video is kind of like the 1950’s version of “Journey to the Center of the Earth”

Connecticut at Pittsburgh
Interesting fact….
When Coach Lou Holtz has said the above schools names in quick succession…
He has actually blinded Mark May in spit…
PANTHERS 28-24

Southern Nazarene at Southwest Baptist
In case you were wondering there will be a Baptism
Following today’s game…
FIGHTN’ BAPTISTS 23-17

Muhlenberg at Juniata
If I was the M’ Guy here, I would watch myself…
I hear Juanita’s septic tank backed up last week and she is madder than hell
JUANITA 31-14

Indiana at Virginia
This game may answer the eternal philosophical question..
“Would they still have a college football game if no spectators came?”
CAVALIERS 17-13

Arizona at Washington
The “W” on the Huskies helmets better stand for “Win” this weekend..
or I am off the dog’s bandwagon. Yes, I mean it this time.
HUSKIES 24-10

Arizona State at Washington State
These two teams together couldn’t beat a hot dog….
DEVILS of the SUN 17-14

Kentucky at South Carolina
The Wildcats are tough….
But Coach Steve has their number…
Always has…
GAMECOCKS 31-17

Kansas State at Texas Tech
Maybe Coach Snyder could get the Wildcats motivated..
If he wore a cape and a mask on the sidelines.
I don’t know if it would help, but it sure would be funny, wouldn’t it?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-17

Miami (OH) at Northwestern
This game will be a lot closer than you might think…
That is until the National anthem is over…
WILDCATS 33-10

Purdue at Minnesota
This ancient Big Ten rivalry is played for something I can’t quite pronounce..
But it looks like a giant Tootsie Roll..
Or it could be a Donkey Turd…
I’m not really sure…
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Heidelberg at Ohio Northern
I bet Ole Heidelberg wears lederhosen and a funny hat when nobody’s looking
Enough said…
POLAR BEARS 21-7

Vanderbilt at Army
Some people in the SEC are quick to dismiss the Commodores..
But if they were in the PAC 10 they would be the second best team in the conference
No worse than third anyway…
Believe it…
‘DORES 28-14

Michigan State at Illinois
This Big Ten rivalry is played each year…
for the coveted “Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”, because frankly, nobody cares.
SPARTANS 27-24

Eastern Michigan at Central Michigan
The good news is…
Because this game is in Michigan, the Eagles don’t have far to go to get their ass kicked.
CHIPPEWA’S 28-23

New Mexico at Wyoming
I don’t know if I would go as far as calling this an “upset special”..
But the Cowboy’s are due….
COWBOY UP! 20-17

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
I have some “Good News” and some “Not so good news” here..
The “Good” news is the Aggie Corps of Cadet Marching Band…
Is one of the finest college marching bands in the country.
The Aggie War Hymn will give your goose bumps, goose bumps.
The “Not so” good news is the Cowboys are riding into town…
THE COWBOYS 38-17

Texas Southern at Rutgers
The TSU “Motion of the Ocean” – “Ocean of Soul” Marching Band
Is really something to see, unfortunately their football team isn’t.
SCARLET KNIGHTS 44-10

Navy at Rice
The Midshipmen are tough, fast and well coached.
The Owls have one of the best baseball teams in the country.
Yeah, that won’t help them much here..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Henderson State at Valdosta State
The folks from Henderson are known as the “Reddies”
Which I find to be discriminatory against blondes and brunettes
Damn racists…
BLAZERS 33-10

Marshall at Tulane
I still believe in the Thundering Herd…
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-17

Utah at Colorado State
Did you know that if you spell “Rams” backward you get “Smar”…
Not that it’s all that important here…
TWO UTES 33-24

Peru College at Lincoln (MO)
Although I have never been a fan of Lincoln, I think it is inherently wrong that a university from another country is playing college football against a team from the Heartland of America.
MO knows FOOTBALL 24-20

Ohio at Akron
Seriously, what is a “Zip” and why is their mascot a damn kangaroo?
I’ll never understand Yankees..
BOBCATS 24-23

Texas Christian at Air Force
The horned amphibians are lucky as well as good….
That’s a bad combination..
HORNED FROGS 31-17

Florida at LSU
Saturday Night in Death Valley….
For an opposing team there is nothing like it….
It’s what the Christians in the roman coliseum must have felt like before they released the..
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 23-21

UTEP at Memphis
Before last weekend I would have said U-Who?
But after outlasting the Houston Cougars last Saturday night
MIGHTY MINERS 34-23

Eastern Carolina at Southern Methodist
Despite my disappointment last week with the Ponies…
Much like Steve McQueen…
I still believe in the power of the Mighty Mustangs….
MUSTANGS 28-24

Michigan at Iowa
This classic Big Ten matchup is played for “The Old Lobster Bib”
Not really, I just made that up, but you have to admit…
It’s a better idea than the “Skank Witch Trophy”
EYES of the HAWK 28-23

Brigham Young at UNLV
The Rebels have a good chance of winning this game…
If Brigham Young misses their flight to Vegas…
COUGARS 38-10

Sunday October 11th

Fresno State at Hawaii
Have I mentioned lately that “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is on A&E on Wednesday nights?
I love those guys…
BULLDOGS 33-24

Tomorrow I will have something for the disgruntled Georgia Fan…
I wonder, could it be the names and addresses of the referees from last weeks Georgia – LSU game?

Next week Hootie Snitch will discuss his request for a stimulus package to open his “new” restaurant.

Stay tuned

Enjoy your games this weekend…

RTR
MEB

For the long time devoted readers of this column as well as for those of you that surf through or take a glance at the picks once a week, I want to thank you for your passion and devotion to college football and your respective teams.

I encourage debate, disagreement and on an occasion open hostility.
I enjoy the fire, fury and passion and all the pageantry that surrounds college football.

This column began once upon a time as a single page of “Picks” of college football games on a Microsoft word document with my “commentary” associated with each game forwarded around an office on an Air Force base in “Baja” Alabama.

I hope some of you will remember those days and smile.
I really appreciate all those guys and gals that encouraged me and kept this going.

This little college football column has survived moves, terrorism and war zones.

It has since grown to a website that is read by more than a few people from coast to coast and follows our military boys and girls and contractors wherever they may roam.

I get a great deal of satisfaction and joy knowing that so many people enjoy the College Football Wizard and my irreverent humor. And I hope on the rarest of occasions, you learn something that perhaps you didn’t know about the sport we love so much.

Many of you have been kind enough to convey those very thoughts and I greatly appreciate it, more than you might know.
But, this isn’t about fishing for compliments.

I am not nor have I ever been a journalist major in school.
I was never that intelligent as my articles clearly demonstrate.
I recognize I often write as though English were my “second” language behind my Southern euphemisms.
I won’t apologize for that.

So in my haste to get an article on the wire, there will be the occasional misspelled word or unstructured sentence.
I am sorry if that upsets anyone’s sensibilities.

In case you are just joining us…

I detest the Politically Correct crowd and the Nazis at the NCAA and all their bullying ways. I believe those that preach tolerance are traditionally the most intolerant people on the planet. I will not miss an opportunity to poke them in the eyes over their absurd actions and discrimination towards my beloved South.
I won’t apologize for that either.

I will continue to point out the bias of the NCAA and the National Sports media when it comes to the reporting and prosecution of such schools as the University of Southern California.
If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I know the Southeastern Conference and the Big 12 and to a lesser degree the Big Ten rule the College Football landscape, no matter what the television talking heads would have you believe.
It’s how it is….

I like tradition, not change for the sake of change or because somebody claims to have their feelings hurt.
If you live long enough, you are going to have your feelings stomped on like a winepress time and time again. It’s just the way it is….

I say all of that to simply say this…
If you are member of the “We know how to fix you poor dumb Southerners” crowd, don’t bother reading my articles or sending me emails or suggestions.
Because despite the fact I am a proud Southerner, I am neither poor nor dumb.
We may speak slowly, but we don’t think slowly.
Nor when the mood strikes us do we move slowly.

If it makes you feel superior to point out my inconsistencies in grammar, well good for you.
At least I still write better than Hootie Snitch.

If you want to call me a racist or a bigot, well that’s fine too.
We Southerners have endured far worse.

I write this column because it’s a labor of love for me.
I don’t do this for fame or money..
Although I am up for the prestigious Collard Greens Award again this year.
I write this for you…
Because you derive joy from it or something close to it and get the occasional laugh.

I will continue to be the College Football Wizard for as long as I am able and you all still enjoy it.

Not sure why I decided to share this with you all.
Maybe it’s because I am particularly stung by the personal attacks I received this past week.
Maybe it’s this kangaroo flu I am fighting.
I know it’s the kangaroo flu and not the bird or swine version..
because I have to hop to the bathroom to keep from pooping in my fur.

And lastly, I appreciate your encouragement, comments and rants. Keep them coming.

Your Picks will be out tomorrow.

RTR
MEB

This week we have Battles over Wagon Wheels, Iron Skillets and Slabs of Bacon..

EDITORS NOTE: Not all together…..
Although they make a nice combo if you were out on the range

We have Lions, Tigers, and Bears and Fighting Okra…
Tussling over a variety of Paul Bunyan memorabilia, Mittens and a Victory Bell..
While others duke it out on Tobacco Road for bragging rights.

It’s that time of the year…..
Rivalries are in Season…

If you are keeping count and I know you are…..
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 44 and 12 or 79%
That leaves us at 204 and 46 of 82% thus far in the season…

Enjoy!

THE GAMES

Wednesday September 30th

Hawaii at Louisiana Tech
I feel really confident about this pick…
Call it “Prognosticators Intuition”….
BULLDOGS 27-6

Thursday October 1st

Colorado at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb in a few years.
Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-20

Valdosta State at Delta State
Who doesn’t love a Fighting Okra?
My point exactly…
FIGHTN’ OKRA 27-23

Friday October 2nd

Pittsburgh at Louisville
Papa John Stadium is a mighty tough place to play in when the sun goes down
Johnny, this one is for you…
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!
CARDINALS 24-21

Utah State at Brigham Young
This particular game is played for the “Old Wagon Wheel”
But is only part of the bigger prize known as the Battle for the Beehive Boot
But I have question..
Wouldn’t that hurt if you put your foot in a boot full of bees?
Just wondering…
COUGARS 38-17

Saturday October 3rd

Alabama at Kentucky
In the immortal words of Steely Dan in Deacon Blues…
“They have a name for the winners in the world…
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide”
CRIMSON TIDE 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: I am sure they were referring to football in this particular song…
Because if it was basketball, then they would have mentioned Kentucky

Arkansas Tech at North Alabama
I can hear the Lion’s Roaring from here…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
Sometimes I feel like a Nutt….
And this would be one of those times…
REBELS 24-21

Georgia Southern at Wofford
It doesn’t matter who Coach’s there…
The boys from Statesboro will always be….
ERK’S EAGLES 31-14

Penn State at Illinois
I made a key error in my Picks last week…
Last week I stated:
“I have on good authority that Joe Pa intends to harness the power of the sun
through his reading glasses and roast the Hawkeyes”
Little did I know…
The game was at night and Joe Pa did not have the Solar Panel 2500 mounted to his reading glasses.
That was my mistake….
There will be no such oversight this week…
Roast the Fighting Pumpkins Joe Pa!
JOE PA’S LIONS

LSU at Georgia
This game will be a shoot out from start to finish…
Hold on to your seats boys and girls
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-28

Oklahoma at Miami
Since Utah is off this weekend..
I am under artistic obligation to state the following concerning this particular game…
I hope the two Ute’s that drive the Boomer Sooner wagon are careful this Saturday
Because they will be driving it around the stadium all afternoon
BOOMER SOONER 38-14

Austin Peay at Tennessee Tech
I don’t care that Austin peed all by himself!
Why name a college after something like that?
What’s next, Urinal Cake State?
This is disgusting
PEABODY 28-10

Virginia Tech at Duke
This game will be like pistol whipping a blind kid…
HOKIES 43-3

Georgia Tech at Mississippi State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
More Cow Bell!!!!!
Believe it Bully!
BULLDOGS 24-20

Virginia at North Carolina
This game is known as the “South’s Oldest Rivalry”
The contest between the two schools dates back to 1892
Who doesn’t love a grudge that has festered for over a hundred years?
TAR HEELS 23-17

Michigan at Michigan State
This semi-bitter instate rivalry is entitled…
“The Battle for the Mitten”

EDITORS NOTE: No, I didn’t make that up

With the “Winner” walking away with the “Paul Bunyan Trophy”
Not sure if the trophy includes Paul’s big blue ox “Babe”
I will continue to monitor the situation as it develops
WOLVERINES 33-24

EDITORS NOTE: There is no truth to the rumor…
This trophy was being replaced by a clay replica of Coach Rod’s Wife.
It is my understanding that the proposed “Skank Witch” Trophy
was deemed “inappropriate” by the Big Ten.
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding

Texas A&M at Arkansas
This rivalry that began in 1903 was once known as the “Southwest Classic”
Now it has been reduced to an “out of conference game” for both teams
That makes me sad…
RAZORBACKS 24-21

Oregon State at Arizona State
This game is between the Sun Devils and the Beavers in the Valley of the Sun
This reminds me of a joke….
So stop me if you’ve heard this one…
These two Ute’s walk into a bar and setting there is the Devil and a Beaver…
And the One Ute says, “Hey, now that’s a nice Beaver…”
Never mind this going to get ugly…
SUN DEVILS 24-20

UCLA at Stanford
I would rather…..
Listen to Leonard Nimoy sing Led Zeppelin’s Greatest Hits than watch this game.
BRUINS 28-24

EDITORS NOTES: Just thinking about that made my ears bleed

Juniata at McDaniel College
Ole Danny Mac better have his head on a swivel..
I hear Juanita is in a foul mood…
JUANITA 33-17

Florida State at Boston College
I have no idea which one of these teams is going to show up
My Guess?
SEMI-NOLES 24-17

Clemson at Maryland
The rules here are simple….
A Tiger can beat a turtle…
I have seen enough of the Animal Planet to know that much…
DABO’S TIGERS 23-14

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This game is played annually for the coveted..
“Paul Bunyan’s Ax” and “a Slab of Bacon”….
I don’t know what the deal is this week about all the Paul Bunyan references
Unless it’s his birthday?
Not really sure how the tasty pork product fits into this equation…
Never mind….
O’ SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-21

Susquehanna at Merchant Marine Academy
It doesn’t surprise me that Susie decided to play the Merchant Marines
She always did love a man in uniform….
MARINERS 34-28

North Carolina State at Wake Forest
This War on Tobacco Road has been going on forever…
I bet the argument started over liquor…
Don’t they all?
WOLFPACK 23-17

Arkansas State at Iowa
I don’t know if you’ve seen the Iowa mascot…
“Herky the Hawkeye”?
That things head is almost as big as Wynonna Judd’s
Notice I said “almost”
HAWKEYES 38-10

Washington State at Oregon
This game is played for a trophy that looks eerily similar to Oprah Winfrey’s ass.
Not really I just made that up…
But that would be funny as hell wouldn’t it?
QUACKERS 33-10

South Carolina State at South Carolina
This game is going to get crazy ugly….
GAMECOCKS 53-10

Auburn at Tennessee
This story has very little to do with the game….
But it is simply too good not too share…
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice…
So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said…
“You graduated from the University of Tennessee right?
I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000 dollars minus 11%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment…
Then replied, “Everything but my earrings..”
WAR DAMN EAGLES 31-17

South Florida at Syracuse
Otto the Orange gets the juice squeezed out of him Saturday…
Believe it…
NO BULL 38-7

Carson Newman at Mars Hill
Thank goodness Coach Spark’s boys are playing Mars Hill this weekend…
If they were playing Uranus Tech…
I could take up the entire column with off color jokes and inappropriate antidotes.
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-21

East Carolina at Marshall
This game has a lot of meaning for many of us….…
The Pirates were the last team the Thundering Herd played on 14 November 1970
Before the plane crash claimed the lives of the son’s of Marshall University.
I won’t forget it, and neither should you.
Whatever game you watch this weekend…
When you see the score ticker run across the bottom of your television screen..
Pull for those current son’s of Marshall….
You will feel better for it, I promise
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24

Tulane at Army
Every time I hear “Green Wave” I think about a leaky septic tank…
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-21

Hope at Trine
This first thing I thought was….
“I Hope I have Trine to make it to Homecoming this year…”
HOPE 24-10

Northwestern at Purdue
Frankly I am surprised…
We have another Big Ten game without any mention of Paul Bunyan
BOILERMAKERS 31-28

Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
The “Victory Bell” is at stake in this contest….
As opposed to the “Horribly Embarrassing Defeat Bell”
Nobody really wants that one…
BEARKATS 34-17

Ohio Northern at Muskingum
I cannot believe they named a college after a gum disease
I guess it’s still better than Halitosis Tech
Never mind…
POLAR BEARS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note….
If you think I have been wrong all these years about Yankees…
Living ten miles from the Arctic Circle, then why would they name their team the “Polar Bears”?
Coincidence? I think not…

Kansas State at Iowa State
I have a safety tip for you…
If you hear David Hasselhoff scream “Awesome!”
Three times in a row in quick succession your head will explode.
CYCLONES 17-10

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t ask me how I know about the above claim
Just take my word for it…
But I will tell you the test involved a hamster.

Washington at Notre Dame
I don’t have any idea which Dog’s are going to show up
Will it be the Mighty Washington Huskies or the Hollywood Chihuahua’s?
I am guessing this one will be close….
Real close…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Central Michigan at Buffalo
Two things I learned from watching movies about the American West…
One: Many Native Americans used buffalo as a major food source in the Western frontier
Two: John Wayne was a bad ass
I think Number One applies here..
CHIPPEWA’S 38-10

Wisconsin Oshkosh at Wisconsin Lacrosse
One thing I know for certain about this game…
There will be a lot people there that talk funny..
OSHKOSH BY GOSH 24-20

Memphis at Central Florida
This Conference USA battle is taken very seriously…
The Boy’s from Orlando have vowed this week…
To give Memphis the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney if they lose to the Tigers…
Well, look at the bright side…
It’s not like they are gambling with the Magic Castle
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 24-21

Air Force at Navy
This game will be a brawl for the Commander in Chief’s Trophy.
These boys will all play until the final whistle blows…
Believe that…
MIDSHIPMEN 33-31

Ohio at Bowling Green
In this Buckeye State Battle I will go with Coach Frank’s Cats
BOBCATS 28-17

Colorado State at Idaho
As I chronicled earlier in the week…
Mr. Potato Head only “has eyes” for that trashy Zelda Zucchini
Thought that up myself…
VANDALS 28-24

Ohio State at Indiana
I don’t know if the Hoosiers would have been better off..
If they would have taken my advice on accepting the sponsorship of a “major” chicken wing franchise
but I do know their cheerleaders would have gotten a lot better looking.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-17

Kent State at Baylor
This is for the folks from “Protest U” that may be traveling to the game in Texas
Don’t get Wacko in Waco or you will wind up in Jail ’O
BEARS 43-10

New Mexico at Texas Tech
It’s time for Tech’s Saddle Tramps and High Riders
To get back on that horse and….
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 34-23

Tulsa at Rice
The Tulsa mascot looks like the Elephant man stuck his head in a Hornets nest…
What does that have to do with a Hurricane that is Golden?
I have no idea..
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-24

Southern California at California
I have a question for those folks from California “The Home of Diversity”
If someone from Ghana married a person from Korea…
Would their children be Gonorrhean’s?
Just wondering…
GOLDEN BEARS 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Coach Pete….
How’s that Dog Bite?

California Davis at Boise State
Cal Davis are known as the “Aggies”
But I like to think of them as another victim of the “Blue Monster”
BRONCO’S 44-10

Southern Methodist at Texas Christian
This is the “Battle for the Metroplex”
The game has been played every year since 1925 for the “Iron Skillet”
In the Dallas – Fort Worth area it doesn’t get any bigger than this on Saturday
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Southern Miss at UAB
I don’t know why the Boy’s from Birmingham have a Dragon as a mascot…..
There aren’t any “dragons” in Birmingham and certainly not in Alabama
But I did have this blind date once in Trussville…
Forget I mentioned it
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-14

New Mexico State at San Diego State
This promises to be the best game on ESPN U at 0200 EST…
Believe it!
AGGIES 20-17

Houston at UTEP
The Big Cats from Cow Town are for Real…
You don’t think so?
They have more conference wins in Conference USA and the Big 12 than any other team
COUGARS 38-17

More next week….
So stay tuned

Enjoy your games ….

RTR
MEB

We have a lot of ground to cover, so let’s get too it.

Enjoy!

TEAM NEWS

OLE MISS: Some times you feel like a Nutt….
And sometimes the Rebels get their ass whipped..

CLEMSON: You Waz Robbed….

CONNECTICUT: I failed to mention that this past week’s game with Rhode Island..
Was played for the coveted “Ramnapping Trophy”
I offer my sincerest apologizes for not mentioning this magnificent award.
However, I wasn’t aware anyone actually played a football game….
For the right to win a trophy that resembles a Baboon’s ass.
Yankees are so weird…

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the visual…

PENN STATE: Damn It Joe Pa….

IDAHO: I feel the need to make a correction over last weeks picks.
Mr. Potato Head was not, I repeat not “running around” with Susie Squash.
It was that skanky Zelda Zucchini
Sorry for the confusion…

OKLAHOMA STATE: A side note about Cowboy Country…
If you are ever in Tishomingo Oklahoma you have go by Fish Tails…
They have the finest fried catfish north of the Red River….
The only thing that isn’t fried there is the delicious Cole slaw…
Tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you
and you are liable to get a good fish story

ALABAMA: Congratulations to my ole buddy Woodrow Lowe f
he has been elected into the College Football Hall of Fame and was honored at halftime of the Razorback –Crimson Tide game.
As a linebacker Woodrow had few equals in College Football…
He would hit you so hard that when you woke up your clothes were out of style.

VERN LUNDQUIST (CBS): You want to know how you can tell if Vern is going to say something stupid?
His lips start moving…

HOUSTON: Congratulations to the Mighty Cougars…
They now lead Conference USA and the Big 12 with the most wins in both conferences…

NOTRE DAME – PURDUE GAME: I also failed to mention that this contest
Is played annually for the coveted Shillelagh Trophy.
As in…
“Get your hands off my Shillelagh Trophy!”
Sorry, that sounded nasty.

MIAMI HURRICANES: Didn’t I tell you all that you were going to get Wang’d?

SOUTH FLORIDA: You guys are really good and that’s no Bull.

FLORIDA STATE: Bet you all wish….
You would have recruited that “little” quarterback from Tallahassee now, don’t you?

EDITORS NOTE: Before any of the Seminole Faithful write me this week about it…
Congratulations on “maybe” being the Fourth or Fifth Best College Football Team in the entire State of Florida! I know that was a lofty goal to shoot for….
So Congratulations!

MICHIGAN: Two words for the Wolverine Faithful after last weeks game: “Home Cooking”

EDITORS NOTE: And I thought only Notre Dame got “Hometown Referees”

COACH BOBBY BOWDEN: Due in large part…
To the recent Seminole set back at the hands of the South Florida Bulls
The FOX Network has placed a hold on the pilot episode of the new fall program entitled “The Bowden Boy’s”
As you may already know this program will show Coach Bobby and his sons on a number of “adventures” in a “reality” show format.
I know the Seminole faithful were anxiously awaiting the pilot episode which showed Coach Bobby and his son’s on a camping trip that took place this past spring.
After all who doesn’t want to hear Coach Bobby say
“Get your hands off my wiener”

OREGON: As I look Back, I guess the Quacks aren’t all that Whack

OHIO STATE: If you want to know why I still consider the Buckeyes undefeated
I present a picture of the Trojan 4th down play at the Ohio State goal line…..
That my friends, is NOT a touchdown….

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know how……
The Buckeyes got “Michigan” referees, but I would do a background check on them next time.
I’m just saying.

CALIFORNIA: Say it with me…..
O-V-E-R-A-T-E-D!

WASHINGTON: Bad Dogs

NORTHERN ILLINOIS: Please see “Washington” above..

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dearest Michael,
First let me say that I appreciate that you are named after my favorite angel
However, Thy must postpone all thy activities until thou has helped me solve a problem of biblical proportions. Recently I had a new arrival to mine lofty quarters.
I asked this rather pious individual if thou deserved to be here.
This putrid gnat replied that he did not have to answer to me…
Nor any laws and commandments during his lifetime other than his own.
He also continued by saying that if I had any further inquiries or needed information from me that I should refer to his website for an official transcript, but, that, however, I couldn’t download anything.
I am considering..
Therefore by mine own glorious and powerful hand, that I will answer thine prayer, mine own humble servant.
However, mine question is, should this Myles Brandt heathen, be sent packing to join St Lucifer at the fiery gates of hell or should he be put in the current purgatory which is known as U$C Football to have endless conversations with that spawn of Satan, Pete Carroll?
I await your reply.

Respectfully
Saint Peter
A Huuuuuuuuuuuuge SEC fan

A: Your call Pete and while we are on the topic…
Thank the Big Guy again for the Iron Bowl win and getting me out of that little scrape in Fallujah this year.
Now about that promise I made….
You knew I wasn’t serious about becoming a Priest, right?
Cause I got this “thing” about women…

Q: Mike I have a problem that I hope you can help me with.
My shift has changed at the plant and the Bosses are telling me I have to work every College Football Saturday’s until January.
I will miss the entire damn season, do you have any suggestions?
Thanks!
Troy – Birmingham, Alabama

A: Four words Troy: TiVo, DVR Roll Tide

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
We cannot believe you picked our Hokies over the Hurricanes and it happened!
That game ROCKED!
How did you do it?
We were studying how geniuses are tortured souls or something like that.
Are you some kind of tortured genius or something?
The Ladies of Tri Delta – Blacksburg, Virginia

A: All of the above

Q: Dear Sir, I have but one question for you.
Why do you hate the University of Southern California so much?
Thank you
Shelia – Los Angeles, California

A: What’s not to hate Shelia?

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I enjoy how you are always saying there are “No Palm Trees in Miami, Ohio”
But just for the record
Miami of Ohio was a University before Florida was a state.
And in case you forgot and we hope you haven’t…
Miami of Ohio is the cradle of football coaches…
Dan – Miami of Ohio

A:No disrespect intended Dan; I know the fine history of Miami of Ohio quite well.
I also know the great Webb Eubank used to live in town…
I just wish you all were still called the “Redskins” instead of the Red Hawks; I think that’s stupid.

Q: Listen Mister Wizard or whatever you call yourself.
Coach Phil Fulmer is Not some kind of Krispy Kreme addict!
Making fun of him in that way is hurtful!
What makes you think he is a Krispy Kreme addict anyway?
Let’s Go Clogging Dance Club – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Have any of you seen the lapel pin he wears on his jacket?
He is either a supporter of Krispy Kreme or he is one “K” short of another kind of club.

Q: Mike, what the Hell is wrong with the Duke Blue Devil football team?
We have some new cool looking uniforms and helmets and we even reconfigured our end zones, they look awesome! So what’s the real deal?
Daniel – Durham, North Carolina

A: You can paint wings on a rock Daniel, but it’s still just a rock.

Q: Mike how does the NCAA go about finding a successor for Myles Brand as President? Thanks, we enjoy your column here.
Tim – Helena, Arkansas

A: Thank you Tim, I appreciate those kind words.
The process for selecting a successor is quite complicated as outlined by Myles Brand himself.
It involves a human sacrifice and then an appearance by the Prince of Darkness.
Who in case you were wondering is a huge U$C Trojan fan…

Q: Mike, you haven’t seemed yourself lately, are you alright?
Faye – Liberty, Texas

A: Thank you for asking Faye, I had a touch of Disco Fever that developed into a mild case of Boogie Woogie Flu, but fortunately it won’t move into rocking pneumonia.

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
We’re raisin’ money down here in South Georgia for our own very Joe Cox statue here in beautiful Ludowici. Have you ever heard of them fishin roundups at those boat and fishin pole shows?
Yeah, they have those.
They fill up a big ole fish tank with water and put in a bunch of fish and let people fish.
Well whoever catches the winning fish gets a prize.
What we decided to do was just take’r on up a notch.
I got this little ole john boat and put it in my above ground pool.
Then we went out and caught us a mess of bass and bream and stocked that pool up
and stapled a plastic tag on one of ems back that says “Bullddawg Winner!!” and whoever gets that fish gets the john boat, a six pack of beer, and
a dozen packs of Oscar Meyer wieners for a cookout!!!
We’re gonna take the rest of the money and collect it to build us a Joe Cox statue
cause he’s the best quarterback in the whole United States!!
Could you put a little something on your website?
I know lots and lots of Georgia football faithful are football and fishin fanatics and I thought this would be a great place to advertise!!
Plus, I kinda felt guilty about me and the rest of the Bulldawg faithful and that Junyard Blawger from the AJC raking him over the coals a couple of weeks ago after we got spanked by them O K State boys.
Thanks Mr. WIZ
Lenny in Ludowici, Georgia

A: Lenny let me guess…
You’re into the “homemade” liquor now aren’t you?

Your College Football Week 5 Picks will be out on Thursday…
So stay tuned folks..

RTR
MEB

I hope that you did not see the unspeakable tragedy that took place on Saturday.
For those of you with children that witnessed the horror
I can only pray the therapy bills will not be too expensive
and the little ones will overcome the scars of what their young impressionable eyes saw that day.

Who would have thought something so terrible would be witnessed on live television.

For those of you that are not familiar with the terrible turn of events that took place this past Saturday
I will briefly describe them for you, because they are too awful to have a visual image available on this forum.

The scene was the CBS pregame College Football Sports Studio in New York City
A young lady, Samantha Ryan was the “host” of the program, along with Brian Jones and former Tennessee Coach Phil Fulmer.

Until the toxicology report is released we won’t know for sure….
But it appeared from the outset of the program that Phil Fulmer was particularly agitated..
Some have speculated that this was caused from “coming down” off an extensive Krispy Kreme “high”.
Others have stated this was the result of long term bingeing on Bear Claws and other assorted goodies from said donut franchise.

None the less
What transpired was of such a heinous nature that I will have difficulty accurately portraying the events as they unfolded.

As the program progressed and the various games of the day discussed…
Eventually the topic turned to the CBS College Football Game of the Week.

The University of Arkansas at The University of Alabama

As Ms Ryan and Brian Jones discussed the game, Phil Fulmer became visibly aggravated and uncomfortable, particularly when the two discussed Coach Nick Saban and the success of the Crimson Tide.

In an attempt to get Coach Fulmer involved in the conversation about the Arkansas – Alabama game…..
The two tried to encourage Phil Fulmer to say something “nice” or “positive” about the University of Alabama.

At first Phil Fulmer appeared as a petulant child crossing his arms, sticking his lower lip out and shaking his head back and forth as if he were five years old and being asked to take his cough syrup.

While Phil was pouting and looking as if he was going to cry
Brian Jones looked across the studio and shrugged his shoulders at the director, as if to say, “I don’t know what’s going on”
Then all hell broke loose….

Phil Fulmer went into a rage that hasn’t been seen since the release of Jurassic Park

Before anyone on the set or in the studio could react, Phil Fulmer attacked Ms Ryan like a crazed Tyrannosaurus. At first chewing only her head, but then attempted to devour her entire anorexic model like body, all the while manically screaming….
“Get in my Belly!”

I can still hear the screams in my sleep…

Fortunately for Ms. Ryan an Animal Control Officer that just gotten off work was in the studio audience and through his quick actions was able to fire over a dozen tranquilizing darts into Phil Fulmer, thus saving Ms Ryan’s life and the reputation of CBS Sports.

I feel like the reporter that witnessed the crash of the Hindenburg….

I can still see Phil’s foaming mouth and protruding belly flopping around the CBS Sports Studio as he grasped for Ms Ryan’s ankles with his meaty claw like hands.

O’ The Humanity!

No word yet on the condition of Ms Ryan or Mr. Jones who was visibly distraught
or Coach Phil Fulmer who is currently being held at the Bronx Zoo undergoing further testing

Later this week
I will have news on Florida State’s quest to be the Fifth Best team in the State of Florida
and a recap of the weekend’s games.

And as always….
Your College Football Picks for Week 5

So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

I know there were a lot of surprises last week…
I also I know that I missed a good deal of my picks and upset specials..

We could “What if” this all day and speculate about a myriad of outcomes.
For example..
“What if” Spartacus had a Piper Cub?
Or “What if” Caesar had a Cessna?

There is no sense in speculating any longer
It’s time we move on to this week’s challenges

But in case you were wondering…
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was
47 and 15 or a subpar 76% and currently for the season we are 160 and 34 or 82%.

Enjoy your games!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 24th

Ole Miss at South Carolina
This game will be a lot closer than people might think….
It all depends if Coach Steve’s Defense decides to show up…
REBELS 27-23

Friday September 25th

Missouri at Nevada
This epic struggle is the equivalent of a “Dance Off” between
Danny Terrio and Adrian Zmed….
Yes, it’s that serious
MO’S TIGERS 38-17

Saturday September 26th

Florida at Kentucky
I was awfully close to calling this one an upset special….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Washington State at Southern California
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game
TROJAN$ 134-0

EDITORS NOTE: Coach Pete how’s that Dog Bite?

Arkansas at Alabama
A powerful Razorback Offense against a Daunting Tide Defense
It should be a good one…
CRIMSON TIDE 23-21

Newberry at Carson Newman
I am more of a Mayberry man myself…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-20

Illinois at Ohio State
I got several emails this past week from Fighting Illini fans
telling me they are “Going to bring the Illini – noise” down on the Buckeyes
Good Luck with that….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-17

Miami at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
The Canes get Wang’d in Blacksburg…
Believe it…
HOKIES 24-23

Wofford at Chattanooga
You want to know what is good for a pesky cough?
A good swift kick in the butt with a pair of…
MOCCASINS 28-23

LSU at Mississippi State
This game features Cats and Dogs…..
Now there is a football tussle worth watching….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

Arizona State at Georgia
The Devils from the Sun are used to the Heat..
But not the Humidity….
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS 38-24

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
If you ever go to a Tech game..
and don’t take the time to go to the Varsity…
For one of the world’s greatest chili dogs and an order of hand cut French fries..
Then you are clearly a damn communist.
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17

Texas Christian at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
The Tigers will play their hearts out on Saturday
Believe it….
DABO’S TIGERS 24-21

South Florida at Florida State
The Bulls lost their starting quarterback last week for the season..
Not that it would make any difference here…
SEMINOLES 43-17

Wartburg at Loras College
Kids with warts tussle with some youngsters with a topical skin fungus…
This will be disgusting….
WARTS 28-10

Ball State at Auburn
Didn’t David Letterman graduate from Ball State?
Yeah, that really won’t matter here…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 54-10

North Alabama at Harding
The Lions of Florence are roaring once again…
ROARING LIONS 33-23

Army at Iowa State
Tornado’s and Divorces have a lot in common in Iowa…
In the end some guy always loses a trailer..
CYCLONES 24-17

Minnesota at Northwestern
How did the people of Minnesota determine that their Gopher was “Golden”?
How did the conversation start?
Did it go something like this…
“Dude, I can’t believe that thing got out of the road in time..
Man, that Gopher is Golden”
I still don’t get it…
O’ So GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24

Franklin Marshall at Juniata
Frank should know better than to tussle with Juanita when she is PM-sing.
JUANITA 33-14

Wake Forest at Boston College
This Game could easily be entitled “The Forrest Gump” game
Because much like a box of chocolates…
You never know what you are going to get in this contest
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 23-17

Georgia Southern at Elon
By the time this one is over that little Cuban kid will know all the words too
“Statesboro Blues”
EAGLES 31-23

Rutgers at Maryland
This game will be like watching two old people fight…
At First it’s kind of funny…
Then it’s just sad…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 21-17

West Alabama at Valdosta State
Honestly, this one had me at “Alabama”
TIGERS 31-28

Stony Brook at Massachusetts
I don’t really care who wins this game…
But I will tell you this…
If you are looking for a quick getaway or weekend vacation
There is no better place to stay than with the fine folks of the Stony Brook Lodge and Chalets
Located in scenic Gatlinburg.
Give Ed and Pam a call
And tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you.
You will be glad you did..
http://stonybrooklodging.com/

Maine at Syracuse
If you don’t think the Syracuse mascot is scary..
Then you haven’t seen the “new” Otto the Orange.
It looks like Phil Fulmer after a three day Krispy Kreme Bear Claw binge.
OTTO the ORANGE 24-14

Arizona at Oregon State
Much like Jerry Mathers…
I still believe in the Power of the Beaver
BEAVERS 38-27

EDITORS NOTE: Admit it…
You thought I was going to say something nasty here, didn’t you?
Shame on you, this is a family column.

Michigan State at Wisconsin
Cue the annoying “Jump Around” music…..
THE POWER OF VELVEETA 28-24

Ohio at Tennessee
I have Safety Tip
For the folks from Ohio visiting OBKnoxville this weekend for the game.
The term “Fast Food” has an entirely different meaning in Volunteer Country.
That term usually refers to someone that just hit a deer at 75 miles an hour.
VOWELS 44-10

Southern Miss at Kansas
Remember the part in “Wizard of Oz” were the Flying Monkeys tore apart the Scarecrow?
Yeah, this game will be a lot like that…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-28

Rhode Island at Connecticut
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for any team whose entire existence is predicated on a lie.
Rhode Island is not an Island.
Enough said….
HUSKIES 34-0

Indiana at Michigan
Hoosier Daddy?
WOLVERINES 38-17

Fresno State at Cincinnati
Despite the fact I haven’t received any Gold Star or Sky Line Chili from the Queen City
I will still do the right thing here…
But I’m not happy
BEARKATS 33-17

San Diego State at Air Force
Didn’t the Air Force bomb the ancient Aztecs during World War II?
Don’t laugh..
Have you read a High School History Book lately?
FALCONS 31-13

Tennessee Tech at Kansas State
You want to know what a fun word is to say?
“Chimichanga”
It’s fun to say, even when you’re alone
Never mind…
WILDCATS 34-10

EDITORS NOTE: You are saying it to yourself right now..
Aren’t you?

UTEP at Texas
That rumbling sound the Miners hear isn’t the mine collapsing
It’s a Stampede…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-10

California at Oregon
The Quacks will fall flat….
Believe that….
Yakty Yak don’t talk back
Take your money and buy a cat
O.K. I need to stop…
GOLDEN BEARS 34-31

Central Florida at East Carolina
The Golden Knights of UCF…
Wait a minute…
Why does everything have to be “Golden”?
We have “Golden” Gophers, Bears, Eagles and Hurricanes in this week’s edition.
That all sounds horribly racist to me…
PIRATES 31-14

Pittsburgh at North Carolina State
Did you ever notice when Lou Holtz says “Pittsburgh Panthers”
He sounds like Sylvester the Cat?
Maybe it’s just me…
PANTHERS 24-17

Akron at Central Michigan
I was going to make a joke about “Zip up that Chippewa”
But it’s too early in the morning for that…
CHIPPEWA’S 34-20

Western Kentucky at Navy
If Navy loses this game I am writing a nasty letter to Captain Crunch
MIDSHIPMEN 34-23

Idaho at Northern Illinois
I have a question for the Idaho fans…
Did Mr. Potato Head ever get married?
Or did he run off with that skanky Susie Squash?
Just wondering….
HUSKIES 38-14

Colorado State at Brigham Young
Are the Cougars over their skinning by the Seminoles?
You bet they are…
COUGARS 28-17

Grambling State at Oklahoma State
This game will be uglier than Janet Reno Pole Dancing
Sorry for the visual…
COWBOY UP! 44-0

Boise State at Bowling Green
The Falcons have the same odds of winning this game..
As Siegfried and Roy releasing a book on the “Joy of Heterosexuality”
BRONCOS 38-10

U La La at Nebraska
This game is going to get uglier than an orangutan’s arm pit
CORNHUSKERS 54-10

North Carolina Central at Duke
There is a great deal of excitement on the Blue Devil campus!
After the last Blue Devil victory
There were three students attempting to tear down the goal posts…
As I understand it, they are still trying
Which is sad..
BLUE DEVILS 27-17

Sam Houston State at Tulsa
The Hero of San Jacinto is taken down by a Golden Hurricane…
That sounded horribly nasty…
Sorry…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24

Northwestern State at Baylor
I thought creampuff season was over?
BEARS 38-10

UAB at Texas A&M
If the Blazers football team was a smell it would be Yak sweat
GIG EM’ AGGIES 44-0

Louisville at Utah
Both of these teams have a lot of Ute on each side of the ball.
It really boils down to which of the Ute wants it more
TWO UTES 33-31

Iowa at Penn State
I have on good authority…
That Joe Pa intends to harness the power of the sun through his reading glasses…
and roast the Hawkeyes
I don’t know if that is legal but it sure will be fun to watch
JOE PA’S LIONS 27-21

Notre Dame at Purdue
Slightly off the subject…
What is suppose to be so “magically delicious” about Lucky Charms?
If you want a breakfast cereal with some “magic” in it
I suggest you eat a bowl of raisin bran while drinking a cup of coffee
You will “magically” have the opportunity to read the Atlanta phone book
Not that it matters here
FIGHTN’ IRISH 34-14

Marshall at Memphis
Call me crazy if you want too…
It wouldn’t be anything I haven’t already heard from Mental Health professionals
WE ARE MARSHALL 24-21

Vanderbilt at Rice
What would this game be like…
If SAT scores could equate to points on the scoreboard?
COMMODORES 141,267,875 – 140,762,921

Washington at Stanford
Dogs pee on Trees…
It’s how they roll….
HUSKIES 27-21

Texas Tech at Houston
Defense? We don’t need no stinking Defense….
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 54-48

Hootie Snitch will have his Gator – Tennessee Volunteer game wrap-up tomorrow
So stay tuned
Enjoy your games
RTR
MEB

It appears from a number of emails I received that I have slighted the Mighty Florida State Seminoles by not covering their “epic” win over Brigham Young University in Monday’s weekend wrap-up.

That certainly wasn’t my intent, I assure you.

After all haven’t I been the lone voice in the wilderness…
Defending the Seminoles against the dictatorship of the NCAA?

Wasn’t I the only college sports writer that defended the institution of higher learning known as Florida State University when the NCAA mascot Nazis demanded the Seminoles change their mascot..
“to something less offensive”?

Have I not promoted Chief Osceola and Renegade as one of the greatest mascots in all of college football?

Did I not produce a “Special” week of College Football Picks “just” for Florida State fans a few years ago?

The recent criticisms of the Seminole faithful cut me deeply

And yet confuses me as well…

Frankly I wasn’t aware the Seminole faithful cared all that much…
At the risk of calling some fans “fair weather”
Let me explain…
Prior to the season and certainly after their first game of the season
The Seminoles had been unable to sell their allotment of tickets for home games.
Some blame the economy…
Others have blamed the recent NCAA witch hunt in Tallahassee
But the fact remains, when a Coach of Saint Bobby’s stature has to resort to begging the faithful to purchase tickets…
Well that just breaks my heart.

But enough about that…
I am here to right a perceived wrong…
So please accept my humble apology Seminole Faithful.
And let me say..
Congratulations!
You thrashed a team that has not been of any national importance since 1984.
Job well done!

Your College Football Picks will be out tomorrow morning
And Hootie Snitch will deliver his take on the Gator – Vol game for you on Friday

So Stay tuned

RTR
MEB

This past Saturday was certainly the Day of the Dog….
There were Bulldogs and Huskies…..
They came from Georgia, Mississippi State and Northern Illinois and Washington

On this day their bite was way worse than their bark….

The Bulldogs of Georgia hunkered down and treated Arkansas like a far sighted geriatric Mail carrier….

Bully from Mississippi State chewed the Commodores like a new dog toy….

The Huskies from Northern Illinois turned Purdue Pete into a crying four year old

And what did the Huskies from Washington do?
The week before they snapped the nation’s longest losing streak….
This past Saturday the Mighty Huskies took down the national sports media’s darling.

Congratulations to the Big Dogs….
We won’t forget that day anytime soon….

Now let’s take a look at the rest of the action that took place on Saturday

ARMY: O.K, I pick you to win and you lose…..
I pick you to lose and you win…
If this is some kind of Physiological ploy to confuse me
I want you to know, it’s working.

SOUTHERN METHODIST: Damn it Ponies, you almost had them….

SOUTHERN MISS: Much like the rest of the Golden Eagle Fans…
I want to thank you for scaring the crap out of me Saturday…
Great win over a tough ACC opponent..

TENNESSEE: All that bragging makes you feel pretty stupid about now
Doesn’t it?

VIRGINIA TECH: When the going gets tough in Blacksburg..
The Hokies will throw the two biggest Wang’s in college football at you.
Which despite the fact I am talking about the Wang brothers that play defense for the Hokies….
That just sounded nasty..
Sorry..

UTAH: Many of my Utah faithful have asked me “What happened on Saturday?”
Here is your answer…
With a number of senior leadership graduating last season they have too much Ute on the current team to have overcome the pesky quackers.

NAVY: Damn it….

OHIO STATE: My Buckeye faithful….
I have a question for you…
In your game with U$C last week, did you allow PAC 10 referees to officiate the game?
The reason I ask…
I have photographic proof that the Trojan$ didn’t score their touchdown on fourth and goal
More on this later

BRIGHAM YOUNG: It looked like Cinderella lost her shoes…

KENTUCKY: Congratulations on winning the Commonwealth Cup
You Big Cats deserved it…

CINCINNATI: I would have picked you BearKat’s this past Saturday….
But as we already discussed last week
I never got my shipment of Gold Star or Sky Line Chili…
Yes, it’s like that

BAYLOR: Please see “Navy”

NOTRE DAME: Told you so….

FLORIDA STATE: In case you didn’t know…
The Seminoles went into Saturday’s game with an unfair advantage
Coach Bobby not only read Brigham Young’s play book
He knew the man…

ARKANSAS: This is for the Razorback quarterback…
Listen Ryan, I know you came from Michigan and football up there is a “big deal”
But down here, don’t run your mouth about southern boys before you play them..
If you need a reference, please see “Tennessee” above.

WASHINGTON: I want to thank my Huskies Fans for writing me in various stages of inebriation on Saturday night, but let’s not forget that I did invoke the name of the Original Dog Father, Coach Don James in this weeks picks….
No need to thank me…

U$C: In case all you Trojans were wondering…
We are not laughing with you..
We are laughing AT you…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL POLLS: Now let’s see….
Ohio State lost a close battle to the Trojan$ and they fell out of the top ten….
The University of the Second coming lost to an unranked team..
But I am betting they won’t fall as far as Ohio State did losing to a ranked team…
And we are supposed to believe this is “unbiased”?

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Awesome Pick Mike!
I couldn’t believe it when you picked the Cane’s to beat the Yellow Jacks of Georgia Tech!
We hadn’t beaten them in 4 years!
How did you do it?
Thanks again!
Troy – Fort Lauderdale, Florida

A: It’s a blessing and a curse Troy.

Q: Sir, I’m currently in need of some players.
I lost my Smelley, Succup combo and realllllly need a replacement.
I am impressed with the Green, Cox combo incorporated by my contemporaries at UGA.
Think you could get me a Lotta, Butts or maybe a Smelly, Finger combo?
Thanks
Steve Spurrier
The REAL USC

A: Coach, what did I tell you about contacting me on this forum?
Just call me…

Q: Dear Sir –
We hope with the recent passing of our great President of the NCAA, Myles Brand that you feel some remorse over the many things you have written on your website concerning this fine man.
With his passing we hope that we can move past the rhetoric together and towards real reform in collegiate athletics.
We here at the NCAA will miss President Myles Brand and his leadership but we know that he is looking down on the staff of the NCAA and depending on all of us to continue his work in college athletics.
Sincerely – The NCAA Enforcement Staff, Indianapolis, Indiana

A: Didn’t you mean to say “he is looking up”….
The only reason I mention it..
Is because I hope you all had the good sense to bury him in an asbestos suit.
I have a sneaking suspicion he is going to need it.

Q: Dude! What the Hell!
You picked Notre Dame over the Spartans!
We hadn’t beaten them at home since 1993!
We are still partying in South Bend!
How’d you do it?
Sean – South Bend, Indiana

A: Call it the luck of the Irish..

Q: Dear Sir,
Just a short letter to inform you that MYLES DIDN’T GET ME!
MYLES DIDN’T GET ME, NYAHH, NA NA NA NA!

Pete Carroll
Supreme Commander of Football
University of $outhern California

A: I can’t say this letter is a surprise..

Q: Dear Mr Wizard,
As the NUMBER UNO BIGGEST GEORGIA BULLDAWG FAN IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!
I have been reading up on that female runner everybody’s been talking about.
See, she’ supposed to be a cross between a guy and a girl.
I saw a picture of her and she does kinda look like a girl.
But, when you hear her talk she sounds like a guy.
They said she’s got some of them male parts of her…
I think they call ‘em Tostitos or something that aint dropped yet.
Kinda like a dawg puppy that aint quite grown up yet.
You know, after a few months their Tostitos will drop and everything like that.
Well, I got to lookin’ at some of them Tennessee Volunteers cheerleaders on the TV the other day and got to thinkin that boy, some of them girls look like they could be that runner girls sister!! Or brother!!
Do you thank them Tennessee Volunteers have been recruitin’ cheerleaders from foreign countries?
Is that even legal?
I think that I’m going to write the NCAAP and tell that Mr Myles Brand that he needs to be a lookin’ up some of them girls skirts to make sure they are the right S – E – X to be doin’ some cheerin.
Besides, my buddy Homer Philpot said that Mr Lane Kiffin was using a couple of them girls in their games as receivers and that just aint fair!!
Lenny in Ludowici

A: You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you Lenny?

More later on in the week…
So stay tuned…

RTR
MEB

I am right here at my restaurant HOOT-R’s!
Located in a previously owned double wide trailer…
right off of Leadmine Road just outside of Baneberry Tennessee
Look for the lighted sign and come on in for the Biggest and Best
Tennessee Volunteer Victory party in the universe!

In case you is a living under a rock
This is the week of the Tennessee – Florida game.
And I am fixing to tell you Seven Big Old Reasons “Why”
The Tennessee Volunteers are going to whip them gators ass on Saturday.
Come on in and Let me break it down for you

ONE – The Volunteers orange color is more orange than them gators orange.
Their’s ain’t even real orange color best I can tell.
Now that we talking about it, what’s with them gators having blue with orange?
That don’t even match good.

TWO – Them gators got one, count it “One” mascot.
A damn old gator…..Big damn deal.
We Volunteers got a whole passel of mascots!
We got a student dressed up like a mountain man and he even has a rifle.
That is cool as hell!
We got us a real dog, that is some kind of blue tick hound
Which is awesome!
We got ourselves two students
That dress up like a female and a male dog in them foam rubber costumes.
Which is double-awesome!
Then we got us this ole boy in a foam rubber costume that looks like a orange!
“GO Big Orange!” Get it?

THREE – I don’t have a damn clue to what them gators fight song is about or what they doing with their arms a chomping.
But the Volunteers got us a “real” fight song!
It talks about laying around and drinking moonshine liquor and not paying no bills!
Now tell me that don’t sound like the life of Riley!

FOUR– Our quarterback is better than that damn old Tim Tebow.
Our Boy just ain’t won no awards cause he’s humble like that..
And wants the publicity on the team and not himself.

FIVE – Our Football Coach Lane Kiffin coached in the N-F-L, Ever heard of it?
In case you didn’t know that is PRO-FESSIONAL Football!
What has that Urban Myer done?
He Coached in some Pee-Wee league, big damn deal.
Also, I know for a damn fact
That Urban Myer wishes every single night he was coaching in Knoxville.
How do I know?
He come from Utah right?
When you send a picture postcard out that way what do you have to put down for the state? “UT”, I believe I done made my point.

SIX- We got us the best players in the damn country!
That’s why there ain’t nobody from Tennessee on the team!
Cause everybody from allover the country that is any good at football is coming to the Volunteeers!
What do them gators got? Some players from Florida, bigggggg deal.

SEVEN – Them gator fans ain’t sophisticated like we Vol fans is.
The closest them gator fans got to “culture” is when they walked by the yogart isle in Piggly Wiggly.
Thought that funny up by myself!

Now for Ole Hootie’s Predection:

VOLS 55
Gators 10

If you was a wondering why I didn’t pick the game as a shut out
It’s cause we got to play our scrubs sometime and them gators are lible to score on them once or twice

And don’t forget…
If you is in the neighborhood come on down to HOOT-R’s!
Enjoy the game with me and all the Volunterer Fans!
I got Possum Hot Wings and BBQ Muskrat Nuggets for everybody!
And as always something cold to wash it down with!
I will be dressed and ready? Will you?

GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

There won’t be any catchy picks through interpretive dance this week
It’s time to buckle down….
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator recorded a 50 and 12 for Week 2 of the college football picks or a rather substandard 80%.
That leaves us at 113 and 19 or 86% for the 2009 college football season.

But before we get to the games many of you have sent me emails about Myles Brand the President of the NCAA dying yesterday. Some have suggested that I should “feel” bad about the things I have written about him and a few even mentioned that he did “some good things” for college athletics.

Let me simply say this….
“Sic Semper Tyrannis”

Now on to this Weeks Picks..

Enjoy!

COACHES QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“It’s not the will to win that matters….everyone has that.
It’s the will to prepare to win that matters.”
Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant

THE GAMES

Thursday September 17th

Georgia Tech at Miami
This game will be too close to call..
But it’s important too remember this time of the year
Is Hurricane Season…
HURRICANES 31-28

Friday September 18th

Boise State at Fresno State
If the Bronco’s aren’t careful and I mean really careful….
They will find themselves with an “L” in this one
BRONCO’S 24-23

Saturday September 19th

Furman at Missouri
Don’t get me wrong….
I used to love the sideshows at the carnival
And I think it’s wonderful…
That a Furry Man made enough money as a Carney to purchase his own college
But I am a Three Stooges Fan
MO’S TIGERS 33-17

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder what the Yak Woman did with her money.

Chattanooga at Presbyterian
In this contest we have Racist Shoes and Blue Ho’s….
I really like the fact…
There is something here to offend almost everyone
RACIST SHOE U 24-17

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder….
If “tailgating” with Blue Ho’s has an entirely different meaning?
Never mind..

Northwestern at Syracuse
Sooner or Later “Otto the Orange” will win a game….
In this case it will be “Later”…
WILDCATS 23-17

Florida Atlantic at South Carolina
Of course the Atlantic Ocean borders the east coast of Florida
But do they have to constantly remind us of it?
GAMECOCKS 34-14

Ohio State at Toledo
This is a dangerous game for the Mighty Buckeyes…
The Rockets are coming off an emotional thrashing of Colorado
And the Buckeyes will have to rebound.
BUCKEYES 33-24

Temple at Penn State
I wasn’t aware they still played football at Temple?
Doesn’t matter…
JOE PA’S LIONS 44-0

Lycoming at Susquehanna
Since Susquehanna beat Juniata last weekend with her flip-flops…
I suspect this pesky foot fungus won’t stand a chance..
SUSQUEHANNA 31-10

California at Minnesota
The O’ So Golden Bears are well conditioned, fast and prepared…
And the O’ So very Golden Gophers…
Aren’t….
GOLDEN BEARS 33-13

East Carolina at North Carolina
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
East beats West in this one…
PIRATES 23-17

Duke at Kansas
I was going to watch this game…
But there is a T.J. Hooker mini-marathon on TV Land..
Sorry…
JAYHAWKS 20-14

Ursinus at Juniata
Before you even ask….
I have no idea why a urinary infection wants to attack Ole Juniata…
Thank God for antibiotics..
JUNIATA 20-17

Louisville at Kentucky
This game is entitled: The Battle for the Bluegrass….
This game has it all folks…
Fussing, fighting, bragging and hard feelings…
and that’s just in the parking lot before the game…
WILDCATS 34-31

Eastern Michigan at Michigan
There is “No” truth to the rumor
That a “Fly Over” at the Big House before the National Anthem is played…
Will include Coach Rod’s wife circling the stadium on her broom
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding..
WOLVERINES 34-17

Boston College at Clemson
These Birds will get plucked in Death Valley…
Believe it…
DABO’S TIGERS 28-24

Wofford at Wisconsin
Why would you name your college after a respiratory illness?
What’s next “Mucus Plug Tech”?
That’s just disgusting..
CHEESE WHIZ 34-3

Defiance at Trine
“I don’t have trine to be defiant…”.
Thought that one up all by myself..
WHAT TRINE IS IT? 22-17

Ball State at Army
What do the coaches at West Point..
Make the football players watch to motivate them before a game…
“Steel Magnolias”?
CARDINALS 28-17

Northern Illinois at Purdue
I would tune into this game…
But ESPN U has a “live” telecast of the East Timor National “Jenga” Championships
BOILERMAKERS 31-17

North Texas at Alabama
Even though Denton Texas is a long way from the Coast…
The Mean Green is about to learn the meaning of…
High Tide..
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17

Tennessee at Florida
Back in the spring Coach Lane Kiffin accused Urban Myer of cheating….
Then he made unflattering remarks about the people of Florida…
Then he said……
He looked forward to singing Rocky Top all night long after they beat Florida, it will be a Blast!
This is going to be an ass whipping of Biblical proportions…
MIGHTY GATORS 43-10

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Stupid to the Bone” in Webster’s Dictionary
It says, “See Lane Kiffin”

Tulsa at Oklahoma
This game as all the ingredients of an “Upset Special”
It will be that close…
BRAD-LESS SOONERS 28-24

Haskell Indian Nations University at MacMurray College
The Great Jim Thorpe began his athletic career at Haskell…
They made a return to the college football ranks last year..
And that is good enough for me..
MIGHTY HASKELL 21-17

Southern California at Washington
In the name of the Original Dog Father; Coach Don James…
I will tell you…
The Huskies will keep this one closer than you think…
TROJAN$ 33-24

Nebraska at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL !!!
No Hokey, No Pokey…
Believe it….
HUSKERS 27-24

Utah at Oregon
This reminds me of a joke…
“So, these two Ute’s were walking down the street….”
Stop me if you’ve heard it..
TWO UTES 38-28

Michigan State at Notre Dame
There isn’t a spark left in the Spartans
Fact…
FIGHTN’ IRISH 38-17

Wyoming at Colorado
Call it an “Upset Special” if you want too…
I call it…
COWBOY UP! 34-31

MTSU at Maryland
I am not completely sure about this..
But I believe that “MTSU” is Latin for…
NINJA TURTLES 38-14

Indiana at Akron
What do we have in this game: Zips and Hoosiers?
I don’t know which sounds worse…
“Hoosier Zip?”
Or…
“Zip your Hoosier”
I think it’s the later..
HOOSIERS 23-21

Virginia at Southern Miss
For the folks from Charlottesville..
This game is what I affectionately refer to as…
An old fashioned South Mississippi ass whipping
Enjoy…
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-10

Alcorn State at Central Michigan
Do you really think I would go against Coach Jones and the Chippewa’s?
Not a chance…
CHIPPEWA’S 27-14

Arizona at Iowa
This one will be come down to who has the football, last
HAWKEYES 23-21

Florida International at Rutgers
Why is this university so “International”?
Is it located near the airport?
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 31-17

Connecticut at Baylor
The Boys from Waco are for Real…..
Believe it…
BEARS 24-14

Southern Methodist at Washington State
I know this is Conference USA against the “all powerful” PAC 10
So I have two words for you….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Garner Webb at North Carolina State
I thought Mr. and Mrs. Webb raised their boy “Garner” to be smarter than that.
He should know better than to tangle with a pack of wolves.
WOLFPACK 44-10

Navy at Pittsburgh
UPSET SPECIAL!
Yes, I am serious….
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24