As I prepare to depart this country for Iraq or Afghanistan…..

I begin to think (as we all do) of the things I will miss the most…

There is the usual…

My Family…
My Friends…
My Beloved Alabama Football….
and Home….
(Sometimes not necessarily in ”that” order….)

But there is one other person that needs to be mentioned here…
But first I need to tell you a little story…

Coach Gene Stallings son, John Mark Stallings who was born with Down Syndrome,  passed away in August at age 46….
It hit me hard and….

It scared me……

Because I have a John Mark Stallings in my family….

Technically he is my “Cousin in Law”…

But in reality Charlie is my little brother…

Charlie doesn’t know or understand my love of Alabama Football….

He won’t even be able to read this article…..

But it doesn’t matter….

Because you see, everything I ever really needed to know I learned from Charlie…

You can go to college and get advanced degrees and you can read all the latest self-improvement books….
But for a PhD in true wisdom take a look at the lives of John Mark and Charlie….

To the day he died John Mark Stallings wore a massive, diamond encrusted Alabama National Championship ring on his frail fingers, which were tinged a grayish blue from the lack of oxygen caused by his heart condition.

Johnny was front and center in that Alabama National Championship team photo.
In fact…
He was part of every team his father coached, including the storied Dallas Cowboys..
The players drew inspiration from him…
When Johnny turned 40 years old his Birthday Party was attended by a “Who’s Who” of Former NFL Stars…

Not many people ever heard of my Charlie…
But he is just as important and every bit as inspiring as anyone you ever met…

So what have I learned from Charlie?

Every Life Matters…..

The Lives of John Mark and Charlie teaches us all that God can use anyone…
No matter how insignificant they may appear in the eyes of society…

Charlie has none of the things that you and I take for granted…
But he has touched many lives; in ways you and I can’t imagine…

Our materialistic, success driven culture doesn’t know what to do with people like Charlie…

Society didn’t know what to do with Charlie when he was born almost 50 years ago….
But God did…

See the good in everyone…
“Be my Friend…”

When Charlie meets you…
You become his friend…and he doesn’t forget it.
Charlie literally doesn’t see evil in people..
He will have more friends in his lifetime than any of us will ever enjoy…

Be Humble……

The Bible tells us, “And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God…”

That describes Charlie in a nutshell….
He can’t read…
But he can pray the sweetest prayers you ever heard…

Charlie doesn’t know the finer points of theology…..
But He knows God….
And God Knows Charlie….
And everybody knows it…
Whether you acknowledge God or not…

Be Yourself…..

Charlie isn’t trying to be anyone other than himself…
He isn’t trying to be important….
He isn’t trying to act smarter than everyone else….
Charlie is comfortable being Charlie….
How many of us can say we are Happy with ourselves?

Love Unconditionally….

In Charlie’s World you don’t keep score or attach strings to love..
He loves unconditionally…all the time.

Smile…Laugh..Hug…
The last time I saw Charlie I brought him a T-shirt…
He hugged us….and when He hugs you…
He means it…
He patted us….
He smiled all the time…

Charlie always makes everyone fell better just for having been around him…
Who among us can say that about ourselves?

Treasure every moment….

Charlie, like John Mark, wasn’t suppose to live very long….
Doctors said they wouldn’t live past the age of four….

When you aren’t expected to live, you treasure every moment…

Little Victories are the ones that matter the most….

I will be doing some really hard things overseas for the next several months….
But everyday is difficult for Charlie…
But he never complains….
He just smiles….

Everybody focuses on the championships…
But with Charlie you celebrate all the little victories..
Then after a while you realize that those are the ones that really matter the most…

Trust God…..

Despite being frail and disabled John Mark Stallings wore a National Championship ring…
Every member of the 1992 Alabama team will tell you of Johnny’s impact on that team.
Johnny Stallings literally changed the world and made everybody he met a better person – if only for a moment.

Gene Stallings, a star football player, championship coach and tough enough to be one of Bear Bryant’s immortal “Junction Boys”, probably use to dream of a son who would be an impact player….
A son who would change the world….
A son who would make a difference and someday, maybe…
wear a National Championship ring…

“I prayed to God that He would change Johnny….
But he changed me….” Coach Stallings said about his son.

He added that if God offered him the chance of going back and having a “perfect” son without a disability or having Johnny…
“I’d take Johnny every time…”

So that gets us back to Charlie….

Thanks for all the lessons in life Charlie…..

I am going to miss you while I am gone…
Stay healthy and listen to your Momma and Daddy..
Which I know you will…
Because you always do everything right…

I am going to miss Charlie a lot…
I am going to worry about him while I am gone…
and…
I am going to pray for him everyday…

But mostly I am just going to miss him….

RTR
MEB

POST GAME……..

I hope to be back with you all sometime next year…..
(By the start of the 2009 College Football Season if I am lucky…)
I will check in when I can and leave a message or two for you all…..

Thank you for reading and enjoying my articles….
I hope they made you laugh and occasionally think…..

In case any of you were wondering…

I am going to miss you too……

Take care and be good to one another….

ROLL TIDE ROLL
MEB

What a Weekend it was…..
And for me this picture says it all……

But it is time for me to leave you all for a while…..

Before I do let’s talk about yesterday….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 34 and 12 or 74% for Week 9…..

For my short season I finished at 341 and 98 or a rather respectable 78% overall…
Not too bad if I say so myself….

It has been a pleasure bringing you all the College Football Picks this year….
Thank you for reading and commenting….

I hope you got a kick out of them.

Before I take my leave……
I have written something else for you……

It’s about a good friend of mine….

Enjoy…..

RTR
MEB

It all comes down to this……..

The one Saturday that has been marked on your calendars since last spring…..

This Saturday……

Is “The Third Saturday in October”…..

This Saturday…….

Jo Pa visits the Big Horseshoe….

This Saturday…….

The Dawgs of Georgia travel to Death Valley to take on the Fightn’ Tigers…

This Saturday…….

The Wolverines and Spartans do battle in Michigan…..

And….
This Saturday…….

The University of Southern California plays “another” Assisted Living Facility in the Pac 10!

It’s a Big Weekend of College Football….
So let’s get to it…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

ABC COLLEGE FOOTBALL (Opening): We get it…..
ABC…ESPN….Disney..etc…etc…
ALSO owns the record company that promotes Kenny Chesney…
Which explains the “opening” segment of him singing his “new” song….

The “opening” segment couldn’t be any Gayer if George Michael and Sigfried and Roy were singing ” It’s Raining Men…”

EDITORS NOTE: ALSO……
I really don’t want to hear a gay man singing about having a “Wild Ride”…
It’s disgusting….

CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL: Can you believe it…..
The “Commentators” with CBS were actually saying “Southern California was scoring style points by beating Washington State” by 70 points….

Style Points?

Washington State is 1 and 7….
Their ONLY win coming against Portland State……
And….
YOU want to talk about “Style Points”?

Isn’t that just a new name for “Bad Sportsmanship”?

TEXAS: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

LOU HOLTZ: By now you have all heard about what Lou said on the ESPN College Football studio program…

He used a “Hitler” reference last weekend when giving a description about leadership and discussing “Good” and “Bad” leadership…..

Coach Lou was forced to apologize on National Television….
ask for forgiveness…..
and generally beg on national television to keep his job…

COMMENTARY: I am sick of this damn crap….

NOBODY on the planet enjoys picking on Lou more than I do….
I think he looks like a Granny from “The Beverly Hillbillies”….
I think he sounds like Slyvester the Cat after dollar beer night at the Bowling Alley…
I believe he may be a 150 pound Tom Turkey…

BUT he didn’t SAY a damn thing wrong….
There isn’t a DAMN thing in the Constitution of the United States that “Gives you the right to be Offended”

If you are that big a damn Wussy and searching the planet for something to offend you….
Look no further than right here…dumbass.

BIG 12 HEISMAN: This year the Heisman Trophy will belong to the Big 12….
It may be Texas Tech….
Could be Oklahoma….
Might be MO’S TIGERS….
BUT….
It WILL be in Austin Texas…..
Believe it….

FLORIDA: Just for the Record….
The Mighty Gators of Florida won the 1984 Southeastern Conference Championship….

Period….

EDITORS NOTE: In case you didn’t know by now….
Yes, I can carry a grudge….

PENN STATE: All I heard before the season started….
“Jo Pa has Lost control of the team…..”
Then…..
“The game has passed Jo Pa…”

Hell……
This past week I even spoke with a guy that “claimed” to be an Alumni of Penn State and he said….
“Jo Pa has GOT to Go!……It’s Time!”

Then he admitted that “He didn’t really watch football……”
EDITORS NOTE: It is my belief….
That the guy I spoke with is either lying about going to Penn State or he is a communist..

However, it is also my belief that the extreme cold of living that close to the Arctic Circle causes permanent brain freeze….

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: We are still waiting to hear what you are going to do with the “Full-Contact” referee from the South Carolina – LSU Game?

EDITORS NOTE: Please don’t ask if I will forget all about it…..
You know better than that….

WISCONSIN: FOUR in a DAMN Row?
How can you cheese-heads lose FOUR in a DAMN ROW?

You are killing my average….
You know that right?

NAVY: SOOOooooo I pick you to “Win”….
YOU lose….

I pick you to “Lose”…
YOU win….

Why can’t we all just get along?

ARMY: Please see “Navy” above….

COMMERCIALS: What is the deal with Dr. Pepper?

Are athletes that haven’t been on television in over 25 years suppose to make us drink “More” Dr. Pepper?

Maybe showing an out of work actor from a 20 year old situational comedy will do the trick?

Are you all stupid or just out of touch?

STOP IT!….It’s annoying.

COMMERCIALS (PART II): I could not believe my own ears…..

Last week on ESPN College GameDay here were the order of commercials during the first hour….

First…
“Subway”…The Five Dollar Foot-long commercial complete with the catchy theme music…

Second….
“Viagra”…The “Viva Viagra” commercial complete with the catchy theme music…

Third…
“Male Enhancement”…You guessed it…
Complete with some catchy theme music….

This subliminal messaging thing has gotten out of control…..

MICHIGAN STATE: The Spartans have a chance for glory this weekend….

Take advantage of it…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously…..
Are you guys STILL not on probation?

AFTER….
ALL the Reggie Bush $$$$$$$$ while he was still in school?

EVEN…
AFTER all that?

AND….
Reggie Bush’s Momma’s and Daddy’s house?

Really?……

Where did the NCAA get YOUR investigators?

Aruba?

NATIONAL SPORTS MEDIA: I loved last weeks slobber fest between the Media and the $outhern California Trojan$…..
 They tried to make the thrashing of the Washington State Cougars sound like the Trojan$ just beat the Klingons for Interstellar Domination….

ESPN: Did anyone have the misfortune of hearing the ESPN crew calling the Georgia Tech – Clemson game last Saturday?

I won’t rehash the level of stupidity between those two idiots….
There is no point in it…

But let me just say this….

The “Dumbass Twins” of Andre Ware and David Pasch….

Put the DUMB….

IN….

ASS…..

ESPN (PART II): Still no word about the Reggie Bush and Southern California Trojan Investigation?

Really?

You know I am going to KEEP doing this?
Right?

NCAA: You all have more TOOLS……than Lowes and Home Depot combined.

A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY….
To THE Voice of COLLEGE Football…

MR. KEITH JACKSON…..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY and Whoa NELLY!

EMAIL Questions and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, you heard anything else about that invasion into Georgia?
Me and the Misses is in the Storm Shelter…
We thought we heard tanks the other day..
But it was just the garbage truck…
Is it safe to come out yet?
Carl and Joyce – Salem, Alabama
A: You two are Auburn Fans…Right?
Then I would stay in the storm shelter at least until Coach “Ears” Tommy gets his arrogant head out of his posterior…

Q: Dude, seriously….
Could the ABC College Football pregame with Kenny Chesney be any more gay?
Jim – Fort Collins, Colorado
A: No it couldn’t Jim….

Q: YOU is innorant as Hell!
They way you a bashing Coach Fulmers and them Vols, you sond like a hater!
As far as I concern…
You ain’t no better than Randall Hitler!
Porkchop – Big Lick, Tennessee
A: I am confused….
While studying at the University of Tennessee…
Were you a History or English major?

Q: Mike, can help us settle a bet we have at work?
Is it true that Carolina Gamecock Quarterback Chris Smelly almost went to Arkansas?
IF it is true…
Why didn’t he go to Arkansas?
Thanks!
The Boys from Carolina – Columbia, South Carolina
A: The Answer to your question is “Yes”…..
Chris Smelly “almost” went to Arkansas instead of South Carolina….
Why didn’t he?
I think he was afraid of how it might sound being in front of Casey Dick on the depth chart…

It just wouldn’t be right….

Q: Mike, when you aren’t writing what do you enjoy doing?
Just wondering!
Thanks!
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: Thanks for asking Holly….
I enjoy long walks on the Beach…
and poking dead things with a stick….

Q: Mike we are studying American Indians in school!
What would you say your American Indian name would be?
Thanks a lot!
Sharon – Victoria, Texas
A: Good question Sharon…..
I would have to say….
“Runs with Beer….”

Q: Mike, Why did you call the “Big” Tennessee Volunteer booster John Thornton “Thunder Lips”?
Is that his nickname?
Thanks!
Shelly – Nashville, Tennessee
A: That ”IS” his nickname Shelly….
But you don’t want to know HOW he got it…

But let me say this…

If you ever watch him eat a corndog..
He makes Kenny Chesney look completely Heterosexual….

THE GAMES

Saturday October 25th

Alabama at Tennessee
This is Democrats and Republicans…
Cowboys and Indians….
Oil and Water….
Except it’s worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-17

Texas Tech at Kansas
The folks from Kansas haven’t seen this many fast moving Raiders since the James Boys…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-24

Valdosta State at North Alabama
The Boys from “Upper” Bama have overcome an early season slip…..
AND…
These Big Cats are hungry….
LIONS 33-17

Boston College at North Carolina
I have a question?
Is “Disco Inferno” south of Miami?
Just wondering…
Never mind…
TAR HEELS 27-23

EDITORS NOTE: You hear that song in your head now….
Don’t you?

Wake Forest at Miami (FL)
I think it is still Hurricane Season until the first of November…
So Enough said….
HURRICANES 23-17

 
Eastern Michigan at Ball State
Honestly….
I would rather hear “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting”…
Than “Disco Inferno..”
But that’s just me…
CARDINALS 28-24

Cincinnati at Connecticut
The Queen City is known for it’s Chilli….
Goldstar….
Skyline….
So what is Co-Net-I-cutt known for?
My point exactly….
BEARKATS 24-20

Northwestern at Indiana
Since the Folks from Hoosier-ville refused my offer to have Jim Nabors sponsor the team for a year….
I just can’t pull for them any longer….
I CANNOT believe you didn’t want to be called the “Gomers!”

SHAZAM! Would have made for a great entrance….
WILDCATS 24-14

Illinois at Wisconsin
It’s too close to Halloween to go against….
ZOOKS FIGHTN PUMPKINS

 
Minnesota at Purdue
Have you seen the Purdue Mascot “Purdue Pete”?
That damn thing’s head is almost as big as Wynonna Judd’s!
Notice I said….”almost”.
Oooo SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 23-21

Oklahoma at Kansas State
The Wildcats will keep it close….
Until they hear…”And the Rockets Red Glare….”
Then they will be down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 44-17

Kentucky at Florida
My Beloved Big Blue Fans….
I wish I had better news for you….
MIGHTY GATORS 38-14

Carson Newman at Brevard College
I knew a rich kid once named Brevard…
He was the only child….
His momma and daddy got him a pet monkey for his birthday….
That damn thing got out and pooped all over the house and tore the curtians off the walls….
It was funny as hell…
You know something?
I almost feel guilty about letting that thing out of it’s cage..
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Baylor at Nebraska
Have I mentioned that the Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest medical schools in the country?
I know it doesn’t really fit here…
But I always like to have something positive say before a team gets an ass whippin…
CORNHUSKERS 33-13

Georgia at LSU
No Upset Special….
This is just how it is…..
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS! 24-21

Louisiana Tech at Army
Vince Dooley’s son is the Head Coach of Tech….
That’s good enough for me….
BULLDOGS 27-10

UNLV at Brigham Young
I bet the folks from Vegas that travel to the game in Provo think they are in HELL…..
COUGARS 38-17

Anderson at Defiance
What are they “defying” and why?
Just wondering….

Duke at Vanderbilt
I love it when smart kids fight….
It’s sooooo cute.
COMMODORES 27-23

Fresno State at Utah State
I know it doesn’t fit here…
But have you ever thought…
That Waffle House is too Southerners…
What Starbucks is too yankees?

Just a thought…
BULLDOGS 34-17

Rice at Tulane
Anytime I hear “Green Wave…”
I think the toilet has over flowed…
OWLS 24-14

Oklahoma State at Texas
How can you go against a Quarterback named after my favorite firearm manufacturer?
YOU can’t….
THAT’S MY POINT!
LONGHORNS 38-24

Virginia Tech at Florida State
This past week Coach Bobby was asked what he thought about Tommy getting fired…
He said…
“Thomas Edison was the smartest kid in my class…It doesn’t surprise me that he invented fire..”

It’s sad really…..
NOLES 27-23

South Florida at Louisville
YOU can take this one to the bank….
And that is…
NO BULL 27-17

Michigan State at Michigan
Yes…
It’s true…
This past week I called a “certain”  Wolverine Coach…
And left him a message…
“The Garden Club called and they want their Ho Back…”

He immedately sent his wife to Ace Hardware….
(I don’t believe he gets it…)
SPARTANS 33-17

Rutgers at Pittsburg
I would watch this game…..
But…
The History of Toast is on the Food Channel…..
PANTHERS 17-10

UCLA at California
I wonder if “Disco Fever” and…
“Boogie Fever” are the same thing?

Never mind…
BEARS 3-2

Virginia at Georgia Tech
The only thing going for Tech is the “Varsity”….
Which is across the street….
So technically they don’t have anything going for them…
YELLOW JACKETS 6-3

North Carolina State at Maryland
I will not doubt the power of the Ninja Turtles (again..)
Especially if Pizza is involved…
NINJA TURTLES 28-17

Southern Methodist at Navy
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
Saddle Up Boys!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-31

Quachita Baptist at Southwest Baptist
There will be alot of Baptist fighting in this one…
BUT…
There better not be any dancing!
BAPTIST 23-21

New Mexico State at Idaho
I wonder if “Ida” had a sister named “Ima”…
The she would be Ima…
Never mind…
AGGIES 31-10

Wyoming at Texas Christian
The Cowboys can’t ride these Horned Frogs…
Trust me..
They just can’t…
HORNED FROGS 34-10

Colorado at Missouri
Last week MO understood the meaning of a Texas Beat Down….
This week….
MO KNOWS Football (again…)
MO’S TIGERS 38-34

Mississippi at Arkansas
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt….
Sometimes you don’t…
This week I do…
REBELS 27-24

Dixie State at Azusa Pacific
You had me at “Dixie”….
GIVE EM HELL!

Texas A&M at Iowa State
I am not a fan of the “new” Aggie Coaching Staff….
But the “Aggie War Hymn” is motivating as hell….
Enough said….
GIG EM AGGIES 27-17

MTSU at Mississippi State
“M.T.S.U.” sounds like an ingredient in dog food….
That’s good enough for me…
BULLDOGS 23-17

Penn State at Ohio State
Jo Pa has not won a game in the Big Horseshoe since the Lions joined the Big Ten…er…Eleven Conference.
That trend continues Saturday Night…
Believe it…
BUCKEYES 23-20

Southern Miss at Memphis
Just for the record….
I still miss Coach Jeff Bower…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-20

Notre Dame at Washington
Does it “really” matter?
Of course not…..
FIGHTING IRISH 33-10

Colorado State at San Diego State
I would watch this game….
But I am going to watch Mike Tyson try to solve the “Soul Train Scramble Board”…
In case you were wondering…
The show is scheduled for three hours…
RAMS 23-20

Southern California at Arizona
YIPPPPPPPPEEEE!!!!
ANOTHER “Classic” matchup in the PAC 10!
HOW Bout those STYLE Points!
TROJAN$ 138-0

Sunday October 26th

Central Florida at Tulsa
What do we have here….
Golden Knights and Golden Hurricanes….
Sounds like Kenny Chesney’s Birthday Party…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry…that was just wrong.

Nevada at Hawaii
Seeing this game scheduled for Sunday Night….
Makes me wish “Dog the Bounty Hunter” was on Sunday Nights too….
But sometimes…
I just wish for too much…
WARRIORS Pop’n and Lock’n on RAINBOWS 34-31

Enjoy Your games!

RTR
MEB

POST GAME…..

Please Check back this Sunday….

I am afraid this is going to be a short season for me….

RTR
MEB

As you may (or may not…)
know…….

Last week I was 33 and 13 or a “Not so Impressive” 72%…

Which Leaves me at 307 and 86 (78%) for the season…

AND…..

With an “Unofficial” 2009 Texas Governor’s Campaign.

I KNOW….
I picked those Horned Frogs from Texas Christian over BYU….

I picked the Houston Cougars to win the Conference USA Championship…

I said the Red Raiders of Texas Tech would be a force to be reckoned with….

And YES….

I picked the Mighty Texas Longhorns to not only defeat the Oklahoma Sooners….
But….
ALSO Picked them to beat MO’S Tigers….

But I CANNOT be a Candidate for Governor of the Lonestar State….

Despite the Fact….

My “Future” opponent Hates…
Puppies…
Santa Claus….
Willie Nelson…..
Earl Campbell
Roger Staubach…
AND….
Darrell Royal…

I even have on good authority that he hasn’t “Remembered the Alamo” in years….
and doesn’t own a pick-up truck…

You know something….

I bet he even pulled for the Mexican’s to kill John Wayne in the “Real” Alamo Movie…

“I AM Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator”……
And…
I approved this message…..

 Enjoy!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 23rd

Auburn at West Virginia
This one could go either way….
But it’s in Morgantown….
SOOoooooooooooo….
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 24-23

New Mexico at Air Force
When I heard the “Low Blows” were playing Air Force…
I thought….
Didn’t they already play Navy?
FALCONS 34-31

Friday October 24th

Boise State at San Jose State
You know what “San Jose” means in Spanish?
I think it means….
“Joe has an infected mole..”
Which is disgusting…
BRONCOS 38-31

Your Saturday Picks and Prognostications will be out on Friday….

RTR
MEB

Thanks to a loyal reader (Thanks again Scotty)…..

We have a video of what can only be described as the LSU FIGHTN’ Tigers “12th” Man…

Unfortunately it was “On the Road” AT South Carolina….

AND…..

It was one of our “Beloved” Southeastern Conference Referees…..

I told you we have the  worse referees in all of College Football….
I am soooooo proud.

Enjoy!

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR
MEB

Let’s not waste any time discussing last week….

Why?

Because this Saturday is the Third Saturday in October…..

For those of you that may not know what that means….
I present the following video for clarification…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

Couldn’t have said it better myself young man…

RTR
MEB

I know….

But Please Stop.. you are embarrassing me….

Just Because I was THE ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country to Pick the Texas Christian Horned Frog win (Not an “upset”) last night over the “Undefeated” BYU Cougars is no reason for such adulation…..

I am just a simple College Fooball Prognosticating Genius…

Sort of like “Rain Man”…without the stammer…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

TENNESSEE: Did anyone see or hear the pregame “interviews” with selected Tennessee Players before last weeks game with Georgia?

In case you missed it…

Here is a brief review….

Defensive Lineman Robert Ayers from Cilio, South Carolina…

“We Ima Heba Go baaa Too Ratba….I sama geaam!”

Offensive Lineman Anthony Parker from Jonesboro, Georgia….

“GOO da bam an da big ga bubba, do da gema too!”

and Last but not Least….

Quarterback Nick Stephens from Flower Mound, Texas…

“EWUS de see moo to harrr, te gema form tut!”

EDITORS NOTE: I am almost certain they are all “Speech” Majors….

TENNESSEE (PART II): Anybody see ALL the Tennessee Volunteer Mascots lined up on the sidelines last weekend in Georgia?
It looked like the cast from “Alice in Wonderland”….
There was a Mountain Man….yet they aren’t the “Mountaineers”
and they aren’t the “David Crockett’s”….
or even the “Crockett’ers”…

EDITORS NOTE: I think the “Crockett’ers” sounds like an Old Peoples Dancing Club…

 
THEN….
There was the student in the Dog Costume…
and they aren’t the “Dogs”…
or the “Dawgs”…
Or even the “Huckleberry Hounds”…

EDITORS NOTE: Although that is a thought….

Then there is the “Real” Blue Tick Hound…
Yet…
We already covered the “Canine” topic haven’t we?

Did you see the student in the “Orange” Costume?
I know they have a lot of “Fruits” in Tennessee…
But “Oranges”?

TENNESSEE (PART III): I am still waiting to hear from my Tennessee Vol fans on the Trivia question….
 ”Who was the Last Quarterback to Start for the Vols from the state of Tennessee…?”

Don’t worry….

I’ll wait….

AUBURN: First the “Good News”….

Coach Tubberville fired “Himself” this week after calling what he described as a horrible game last week with Arkansas…

Now the “Bad News”….

Coach Tubberville then hired “Himself” back with a 6 million dollar buy-out clause…

OKLAHOMA STATE: You boys damn sure Cowboy’d Up!
Congratulations on a GREAT Win….

OLE MISS: I have a “Safety Tip” for any Rebel Fans planning on making the trip to “T” Town this weekend…
“IF” any of you Rebel Fans that threw bottles (and yes even shoes..)..and spit on our players after last years game in Oxford attempt the same stunt again this year…

YOU will not get out of T-Town in the same shape you arrived….

That’s a promise…

COMMERCIALS: What the Hell is wrong with the folks from Pizza Hut?

A commercial that shows a Father ”showing” his son how to eat a slice of pizza?

We are not interested in the “Further Adventures of the Wussy Family”…

AP and USA TODAY POLLS: SOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo
The Southern California Trojans are Number #6 in one poll…
and…
Number # 8 in another poll?

I am sorry, I can’t seem to remember…
Who have they played to “GET BACK” into the Top Ten?

Nobody….
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

The Ohio State Buckeyes lost to (by the national media accounts) “The Best Team EVER”…

Yet they can’t get back into the Top Ten….

Why?
“ENTITLEMENT”…..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: YOU still aren’t on probation? Really?

Who did you have for NCAA Investigatiors, O.J.’s “First” jury?

NCAA: You know what’s coming now right?

“So where is the Investigation into Reggie Bu$h and the $outhern California Trojan$?”

We are still waiting….

ESPN: If you were watching the Texas – Oklahoma game: Then you heard the worse, most uncomfortable conversation of all time during a broadcast college football game between Brent Musberger and Kirt Herbstreit….

KIRT: I love the atmosphere of this game with the Texas State Fair right outside the Cotton Bowl..

BRENT: Isn’t that the Texas Ferris Wheel in the distance?

KIRT: Let me see..I am reading from the Texas State Fair Guide..
The Texas State Ferris Wheel is one of the largest free standing Ferris Wheels in the World at Over 200 plus feet tall…

BRENT: What do you say you and I take a ride on that after the game?

KIRT: What? No, that’s alright……
Looks like Oklahoma is ready to take the field after the time-out…

BRENT: We could relax on the wheel and forget about the troubles on Wall Street and see the lights of Dallas from up there….

KIRT: No, that’s alright Brent I’ll pass….

EDITORS NOTE: Just when you think Brent Musburger couldn’t get any creeper….
He wants to get all “Mister McFeely” with Kirt Herbstreit…..

ESPN (PART II): Thanks so much for adding “another” studio analyst to an already crowded lineup…

Todd McShay..”Director of College Scouting”

Are YOU Kidding me?

Call him what he is…..

Another..
“Master of the Obvious”…

CLEMSON: Although about FOUR years too late to suit me….

YOU made the right decision…

It’s time to get a REAL Football Coach for the Tigers….

One is on the way…
Believe me…

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, could you start picking some other “smaller” schools in the northeast?
Think about it!
Ben – Dover, Delaware
A: O My Gosh….
ARE you KIDDING Me!
“BEN DOVER”?
I may have peed on myself….

Q: Mike, I know this is not your normal subject matter…
 But what do you know about today’s ”so-called”… ”Energy Drinks”?
Are they harmful?
Thanks!
Molly – Fort Smith, Arkansas
A: Molly you came to the right place…
“Little Known” fact  we folks in the South have known for years…
Mountain Dew is the “Orginal” Energy Drink…
You don’t think so?
If you drink Mountain Dew for breakfast for four years you can’t donate blood..
Enough said…

Q: I want to thank Hootie Snitch for the smoking hot picture of that “girl” he got arrested with!
Bunch of us done downloaded the picture and got it blowed up!
It’s hanging in the work shed right now!
Skeeter – Dandridge, Tennessee
A: See the below email…

Q: DAMN! Where in the Hell did Hootie Snich find that GOOD Looking Gal?
LORDY I done copied that picture and sent it to all my friends!
Hot damn, I am still all lathered up over that picture!
War Eagle!
Chip – Loachapoka, Alabama
A: It’s nice to know that Hootie has “Interstate” appeal…

Q: Helloo! I want you to know that I enjoy your article!
I read each week!
You inspire me to follow my dreams!
I inspire to be the FIRST Asian Ghost Buster!
YES!
So I go back to Hong Kong and follow my dream!
Chang – San Francisco, California
(Hong Kong!)
A: SOOOooooooooooooooooo
Who you gonna Crawl?

THE GAMES

Saturday October 18th

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
If you have children in the room when this game is on…
Please, send them out to play…
This is going to be really ugly…
As in my Sister-in-Law in a string bikini ugly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-17

Vanderbilt at Georgia
On paper this looks like a really close game…
But Football isn’t played on paper…
HOW Bout Them DAWGS!
DAWGS 28-17

LSU at South Carolina
Please see “Texas Tech at Texas A&M” for a graphic description of this game…
FIGHT’N TIGERS 31-14

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the above visuals, but yes…
They will be “That” ugly…

Syracuse at South Florida
A team called the “Orange” goes to Florida and gets squeezed…

Coincidence?

I think not…
BULLS 33-10

Kutztown at East Stroudsburg
Is Kutztown close to Funky Town?
Just wondering….

Wake Forest at Maryland
I wish I had a shirt that says…
“I Got Crabs in Maryland”…
But sometimes I wish for too much…
NINJA TURTLES 24-21

Purdue at Northwestern
I would watch this game but I have all the symptoms….
That I am getting Disco Fever…
WILLDCATS 24-23

Memphis at East Carolina
I don’t know where either team has been for the past three weeks…
So this is a toss up…
PIRATES 23-17

EDITORS NOTE: Maybe Skip Holtz has been too busy “Interviewing” for the Clemson job before it even became open….

Because he has….

Connecticut at Rutgers
The Jersey (Pronounced: Jeo-seeeeee) Cinderella lost her shoes….
And…..
Mid-Night Powder Blue Eye Shadow…
HUSKIES 27-21 

Georgia Tech at Clemson
Everything says the folks from Carolina won’t win….
But this is about “Pride”….
I am a Believer…
TIGERS 23-21

Frostburg State at Ithaca
You know a school is ten miles from the artic circle when they name it “Frost-burg”…
Or maybe….
This is the school were “Frosted Flakes” was invented…
Never mind..

Wisconsin at Iowa
Will the Mighty Badgers lose four in a row?
Not this year….
Believe in the Power of Cheese……
BADGERS 33-27

Nebraska at Iowa State
Did anybody see the “Black Shirts” take the Red Raiders to Overtime last week?
Enough said…
CORNHUSKERS 34-17

Kansas at Oklahoma
My Choice for the “Last Team on the Planet to Play when they are Mad as Hell”…..

BOOMER SOONERS 34-23

Colorado State at Utah
I really didn’t know which way to go on this one…….
But I just got finished watching “My Cousin Vinnie..”
TWO UTES 33-28

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Have I mentioned that the Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest Medical Schools in the country?
They may need it when this is over….
COWBOY UP! 31-17

Southern Miss at Rice
I wish I could take the Golden Eagles in this one….
and I would have…
But you got rid of Coach Bower…
MY FAVORITE PUDDING 24-20

Ole Miss at Alabama
Let’s keep this one simple shall we?
CRIMSON TIDE 27-17

Southern California at Washington State
The cougars couldn’t whip cream……
TROJAN$ 116-0

Ohio State at Michigan State
This is going to be one hell of an old fashion Big Ten..I mean “Eleven” Fight…
Don’t blink….
BUCKEYES 23-20

Westminster at LaGrange College
“Haw..Haw Haw…”
I just couldn’t resist another ZZ Top reference…

North Carolina at Virginia
I think the world of those boys from the Old Dominion…
But…
The Tar Heels are for REAL….
(Just like I told you they were at the begining of the season..)
TAR HEELS 28-17

Pittsburg at Navy
Do you know who I think will have a “Big” day in this game?
The Midshipman Quarterback….
“Kaippo-Nooa KKahheeakku- Ennhhadda”

That poor boy’s name starts at the back of his jersey and goes all the way to the front….

MIDSHIPMEN 23-21

 
Hiram at Eartham
If your name is Hiram…
You are harder than Woodepecker Lips…
It’s a Law…
HIRAM whips EARTHAM’s Ass….

MTSU at Louisville
Everytime I see one of these “Alphabet Soup” Schools…
I have the uncontrollable urge to “Buy a Vowel”….
CARDINALS 38-17

Randolph Macon at Emory & Henry
I wish this was Randolph “Bacon”…
Because….
There is nothing like pork products to enhance a Tailgating experience…
I’m Just saying….

Miami (FL) at Duke
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
WHAT?
Have you lost your damn minds?
HURRICANES 33-16

Army at Buffalo
O.K…..
West Point has “won” two weeks in a row….
Which is normally a sign of the coming Apocalypse…
But in his case I believe it means….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 27-24

Marshall at UAB
Here we go with “Alphabet Soup” again…
“Vanna Darling could I buy a Vowel?”

EDITORS NOTE: FACT….
When the above is spoken with a Southern accent…
You automatically win the Grand Prize….
Not that is matters here…

THUNDERING HERD 31-13

Stanford at UCLA
Another “BIG GAME” in the PAC 10 this week….
I would watch it too….
But….
“Mr. Potato Head: Behind The Music” is on VH1….
Sorry…
BRUINS 23-21

Michigan at Penn State
The Wolverines “Might” win this game…..
And….
Mrs. Coach Rod “Might” not dress like a ten dollar hooker….

We all know….
Neither of which is possible…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-16

Kansas State at Colorado
My Sister-in-Law “reviewed” the films of her leading the Colorado Team onto the field a few weeks ago…..
She thinks the camera makes the hump on her back look “smaller”….
If only it could do something with that one foot that looks like a hoof…
BUFFALOS 33-28

Arkansas at Kentucky
I can honestly say…..
I have NO Idea who has the advantage here…
Take your pick…
WILDCATS 27-24

Oregon State at Washington
I am not ashamed to say it…..
Damn It…
I Love Beavers!
BEAVERS 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please, No Hate Mail this week from people who think I am being Nasty…
I am just talking about the BEAVERS!

Idaho at Louisiana Tech
I think ”Famous Potatoes” are going to get a Cajun Mashing…
DOOLEY’S BULLDOGS 38-10

Mississippi State at Tennessee
I believe Coach Croom’s Dog’s are Hungry…..
and are more than capable….
Of Treeing a Volunteer…
CROOM’S BULLDOGS

Lenoir Rhyne at Carson Newman
If this was LeeAnn Rimes I still think the Eagles would win…
It would just be more fun to watch…
SPARKS EAGLES 34-24

Occidental at Chapman
Don’t they mean “accidental”?
NOW that makes sense….

Missouri at Texas
Everybody thinks MO’s Tigers will beat the Longhorns…
Just like “THEY” all thought the Sooners would roll the Horns up last week….

HOOK EM….
LONGHORNS 38-34

Virginia Tech at Boston College
IF the Turkeys want to have a chance in this game they better get that Big Ole Wang in the game….
HOKIES 24-23

EDITORS NOTE: What Now? I was talking about Ed WANG….

San Jose State at New Mexico State
I think “San Jose” is Spanish for….
I just got my ass Kicked in New Mexico…
AGGIES 34-23

UTEP at Tulsa
What is it with all the Alphabet Soup U’s this week?
TEP-U and Golden Hurricanes too?
Common decency prevents me from commenting on this one…

HURRICANES of GOLD 38-33

Indiana at Illinois
I still haven’t heard back from you folks in Indiana on the name change from “Hoosiers” (Which nobody knows what the hell that is…)

To…”The Gomers!”
With!
Jim Nabors as an Official Sponsor!

How does this sound….
“Here come the Gomers! SHAZAM!”
Just think about it…that’s all I ask

ZOOKS FIGHTN PUMPKINS 34-17

Houston at Southern Methodist
My Poor Ponies have been rode hard and put up wet….
COUGARS 43-24

California at Arizona
I would watch this game but Mike Tyson is going to be on Celebrity Jeopardy…

I hope I get to hear him say…

“I’wa take “People I want to Kill” for 500 Al-wex”….

BEARS 38-24

Air Force at UNLV
Seriously….
What is the Deal with all the Acronym U’s this week?
Next week I am going to combine all the Acronym-Alphabet Schools into one word…
It will be like Scrabble for cool people…
FALCONS 33-31

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

I was 31 and 10 during “Lucky Week 7″ which means we are once again 76% for the week.

If you are keeping up with the season this far….
That leaves me at 271 and 73 for the season or a “not so impressive” 79%.

But have I mentioned that I was the ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country to Pick the Longhorns over the Sooners?
I did?
O.K……Never mind then..

EDITORS NOTE: The term “Lucky Week 7″ does not refer in any way to any of the following universities or college football teams:
Missouri
Tennessee
Illinois
Indiana
Auburn
Michigan (again)
East Carolina
Wisconsin
Northwestern
Washington
Washington State
Well…Anything “Washington”
Arizona
Arizona State
Actually…Anything “Arizona”
Notre Dame
Vanderbilt
Kentucky
LSU
Oklahoma
Or anything “Bowden”

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 16th

Florida State at North Carolina State
I am not saying Bobby is “Old”….
But if you call Bobby and ask him if has “Sir Walter Raleigh” in a can….
He takes it “personally”….
And will tell you to “Stop Talking about his friend…”
SEMINOLES 31-27

Brigham Young at Texas Christian
NO Upset Special……
I just Believe in the Power of the Horned Frog….
HORNED FROGS 24-23

Delta State at North Alabama
As we discussed last week:
There is NO such thing as “Northern” Alabama or “North” Alabama….
Also, as a side note…
There is NO such thing as “Northern” or “North” Mississippi…

There is however a “North” Georgia…
That term refers to the location where we still have the yankees trapped…

Glad we got that cleared up…
LIONS 38-10

Friday October 17th

Hawaii at Boise State
Seriously……
Rainbow Head Coach Greg McMackin…
YOU “demoted” Coach Brian Kajiyama?
What kind of Jackass are you?

I am going to enjoy the Bronco’s beating you like a rented mule…

I have said it before and I will say it again…

YOU do not deserve to live in the same state as “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
Those guys are cool….
BRONCOS 43-17

Your Saturday Games will be out tomorrow….

Enjoy!

RTR
MEB

What a weekend in College Football……

Despite being a dismal 31 and 10 (76%) I was the ONLY College Football Prognosticator in the Country that Picked the Mighty Longhorns over the Boomer Sooners of Oklahoma…

EDITORS NOTE: I greatly appreciate my Longhorn Fans…
However I will NOT be a candidate for Governor of the Lonestar State Next Year…

Despite the FACT my opponent hates Christmas, Children and Darrell Royal…
“I am Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator and I approved this message…”

Also…..
Picked LSU to fall to the Gators of Florida…
AND said to the Missouri Tigers…
“The Cowboys are closer than they appear in your rearview mirror…”

But I should have listened to Lee and Bulldog Jim…
They tried to tell me…
Those Mississippi State Bulldogs had the Commodores number in Starkville…
Great Job Guys…
I will pay closer attention next time..

Let’s take a look at “The Weekend That was” in College Football…..

Enjoy!

TEXAS: The Longhorns have a Colt that is nothing short of a thoroughbred…
GREAT win over a CLASS Sooner Team…

MISSOURI: I have a suggestion….
MAYBE if your Quarterback Chase Daniel had spent less time this past week complaining about “last” weeks win over Nebraska and getting a “really cool” haircut and spent MORE time studying the Oklahoma State defense MAYBE you all would be Number One this week…
Dumbass….

FLORIDA: I do believe Superman does wear Tim Tebow pajamas…..

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Never should have doubted Coach Croom and those Bulldogs…

NOTE TO SELF: Shouldn’t have doubted Lee and Bulldog Jim either….

KENTUCKY: What is the Deal?
You give Alabama ALL they can handle and then you lose to Carolina?

What gives?

PENN STATE: Wow…..

Talk about “Cutting the Cheese….”

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, I am that easily amused….

IVY LEAGUE: You all STILL Suck…

CLEMSON: To Coach Tommy….
I Told you so…..

To My Tiger Family…
Have NO Fear My Beloved Tiger Friends and Family….
You all are about to get a REAL Football Coach…

Believe it.

AUBURN: Whose ass you gonna “Fire” this Week Ears?

That whole being an arrogant ass thing isn’t alot of fun when you lose, is it?

ARKANSAS: Congratulations and thank you for making my weekend complete…

TENNESSEE: I find it curious that “Big Orange” Fans are mad as hell that they are losing…
Why?
Because you all weren’t upset when a Vol Player raped a mentally handicapped underage girl in the athletic dorm?
And got away with it…

You all weren’t mad when the punter had five DUI’s…
And got away with it…

You didn’t blink an eye when your defensive lineman attacked a student that he outweighted by nearly 200 pounds and disfigured him….
And got away with it…

There are A LOT more stories like that…
ARE you upset about those?

Where you upset with the lack of disciple on the Fat Mans Team?

Or was Winning More Important…
More Important that ANYTHING…

GOT to Beat Florida…
GOT to Beat Bama…
At any cost…

Shame on you….

TENNESSEE (PART II): I just can’t resist….

How is that having the LARGEST recruiting budget in the ENTIRE Nation thing working out for you?

I mean really…
Did you have to go ALL the way to San Diego California to find a Running Back with “Fumble-itis”?

Just wondering….

MICHIGAN: You lost to Toledo….

Enough said…..

MICHIGAN (PART II): Look at the bright side Coach Rod….

Your Wife still has “Rock of Love III” with Bret Michaels….

EAST CAROLINA: What the Hell?

Did you all just quit playing football or what?

GEORGIA: I want to take a moment to say Good-Bye to the GREAT Larry Munson…

He has been the voice of the Georgia Bulldogs for as long as I can remember…

I will miss the sound of his voice..
Knowing he is there, even if I am not listening to him…

Hearing him say…

“HUNKER DOWN DAWGS!”

“RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES!”

Or…….

“Loran Whattayagot?”

My Favorite Larry Munson Quotes…..

“Hunker down, you guys!…I know I’m asking a lot, but hunker down one more time!”
- In a defensive  series late in the game against Auburn in 1982, which clinched the SEC title for Georgia

“My God Almighty, he ran right through two men! Herschel ran right over two men! They had him dead away inside the 9. Herschel Walker went 16 yards. He drove right over those orange shirts and is just  driving and running with those big thighs. My God, a freshman!”
- Calling Herschel Walker’s first touchdown run against the Tennessee Volunteers in 1980.

“So we’ll try to kick one a hundred thousand miles. We’re holding it on our own 49-and-a-half … gonna  try to kick it sixty yards plus a foot-and-a-half … and Butler kicked a long one … a long one … Oh my God! Oh my God! … The stadium is worse than bonkers!”
- Calling Kevin Butler’s field goal in the final seconds to win over Clemson in 1984

“They’re beating us like we’re Maryland or Wake Forest or somebody”
- Calling the loss against Georgia  Tech in 2000.

“We just stepped on their face with a hob-nailed boot and broke their nose! We just crushed their face!” – Calling Georgia’s last-second win over Tennessee in 2001

“Touchdown! Oh, God, a touchdown!”
- Calling David Greene’s touchdown pass to Michael Johnson as Georgia defeated Auburn in 2002, clinching the Bulldogs’ first-ever SEC Eastern Division championship

Enjoy Your retirement Larry….

It won’t be the same without you…

HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

RTR
MEB

It’s that time of the year (Again)……

The names of the games alone are enough to make you break into goosebumps….

They are called many things….

The Red River Rivalry or The Red River Shoot-Out…

But the game between Oklahoma and Texas is above all else….

A Border WAR….

Then there is the tussle between the Hedges in Athens…
Between…

Tennessee and Georgia…..

Also…
This weekend…
The Black Shirts of Nebraska Invade Lubbock….

EDITORS NOTE: Have I mentioned that Lubbock is the home of Buddy Holly?

In “The Swamp”…..
The Defending National Champion LSU Fightn’ Tigers are in Gainesville to take on the Mighty Gators….

Jo Pa and his Lions of Penn State take on the “Power of Cheese” in the Wisconsin Badgers…

And who can forget….
Another weekend with the NCAA’s collective head (and ass) in the sand as they pretend we are all going to forget the investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans…

Don’t worry my friends…

I won’t let you forget…

There is a lot to cover, so let’s get to it!

 Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

TENNESSEE: I have the answer to your Football problems!
The problem my semi-beloved Volunteer fans is rooted in the lack of players from Tennessee on the Tennessee Volunteer football team roster….

Do you know how many “Starters” From the state of Tennessee are on the Volunteer football team?

“5″…..
As in the number “After 4″ and the number “Before 6″….
In case you all forgot…
That is out of 22…(24 if you count the punter and kicker..)

Why is this important?

Does anyone in California or Washington D.C. or Oregon “really” care what the University of Tennessee does or doesn’t do on any particular weekend?
Do they even know where “Tennessee” is located?
Your players from those places don’t care either…
Because they didn’t grow up with “IT”…

If you don’t think this is important then I have a “little” Trivia question for all the Tennessee Volunteer Fans out there….

“When was the last starting Quarterback at the University of Tennessee…..
From the state of Tennessee….”

This may take a while…so I’ll wait.

EDITORS NOTE: The GOOD News for all the disgruntled Tennessee Volunteer fans out there, is that YOU have a “Tennessee” team to pull for in the state that has more than “5″ starters from the State of Tennessee on the Team…

They are called the Vanderbilt Commodores….

CONGRATULATIONS (again) VANDY!!!!!!!

TENNESSEE (PART II): As a side note from the Tennessee – Auburn game
Maybe the Fat Man should have gone to court before the Auburn game and faced the music like he was suppose too…

Ever think about that?

I have…
There is a name for it too….

It’s called Karma…

MISSOURI: SOooooooo Tiger Quarterback Chase Daniel said he was being spit on by the Husker defensive players last Saturday….
The time to complain about that kind of behavior “isn’t” on Sunday afternoon…dumbass.

WEST POINT: Congratulations on your first “Big” Win last weekend since Appomattox….

VANDERBILT: Your First 5 and 0 start since 1943….

The first time you beat Auburn since 1955…..

And Yes….

I predicted it…….

No Need to thank me…

CLEMSON: To My Beloved Tiger Friends and Family….
I feel and understand your pain and frustration…

Have no fear….
Change is coming…..

TELEVISION COMMERCIALS: Seriously….Geico.

KILL the DAMN caveman commercials….

It’s over….

Stop the madness….

I am serious….

WISCONSIN: So the Badger Marching Band was “suspended” because of hazing?

How bad can “hazing” really be with a marching band…

AUBURN: So do you all believe in the “Corso Curse” Yet?

You thought I was joking about that…didn’t you?

AUBURN (PART II): SOOOooooo Ole Ears Tubberville fired the Offensive Coordinator Tony Franklin this week after what? Five games?

There are two ways to look at this War Eagle Fans….

One…Talk about wanting your “instant” Grits?

or…

Two…
When Ole Ears feels the heat, it’s time for somebody to go under the bus…

ESPN: Last Saturday’s College Gameday with Kenny Chesney….
There is SOOOoooo many things wrong with THAT I don’t know where to begin…

We ALL know he was there to promote his “New” Album…

We also know he is trying to be the Jimmy Buffet of “His” generation….

However I think naming your album…
“The Butt Pirates of the Caribbean”
Well, that is just wrong….

NCAA: Seriously….The jokes over!
When are you going to let us all in on the “results” of the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Univer$ity of $outhern California Trojan$?
If your “Investigators” need any help finding Reggie Bush’s Momma and Daddy’s house I will be happy to show them how to use “MapQuest”.

I am here for you…..

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So last weekend Trojan Quarterback Mark Sanchez re-injured his knee during the game with Oregon…
The PAC 10 Officials threw a flag and penalized the Oregon Ducks a 100 yards for hurting a “Hyphenated- American” which resulted in the automatic loss of the game….

I think that is the first time I ever heard of that penalty?
What about you?

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN$ TESTIMONIALS

“The Southern California Trojans defeated the Klingons, saved the whales and made us the kick-ass World Super Power we are today!”

- William Shatner

“I really like that big white horse that this part of the Southern California Mascot….
With it’s long face…big teeth…and wide butt…
I would have sworn I was looking at my wife..”

- Miles Brand: President NCAA

 U$C TROJAN$: Seriously…..
Shouldn’t you all be on Probation by Now?

You know…
NO Television….
NO Bowl games…
Loss of 20 Scholarships…
Per year…
For five years…
Loss of your National Championship…
ALL of your wins for those years…voided.
Loss of the Heisman for Reggie Bush…

Sound about right?

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: We saw what u-ins wrote about Peyton Manning last week!
You is innorant as hell!
Peyton is a Saint!!!!
Just like that Old Teresa’s Mother!
If wants to touch them Tennessee players before the game, well then By God we knows he got a good reason!
Maybe he’s a trying to heal them or something!
Cooter – Erwin, Tennessee
A: If you will try and justify those comments…..
Then I REALLY don’t want to know what you would do for a “Klondike Bar”….

It would be too embarrasing….

Q: Mike I am a Proud Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan…
My neighbor told me because I don’t own a weed eater that means I am a Homosexual.
Is that true?
Chip – Atlanta, Georgia
A: Break out your Kenny Chesney CD’s Chip…
It’s true…

Q: Mike, you haven’t mentioned it in a while, but is your sister-in-law still dating that guy with the glass eye from the Carnival?
Sally – Benton, Arkansas
A: I can’t remember his name, so around my house we just refer to him as ”Mr. Peepers”….
But I have to tell you that they broke up. but promised to “Remain Friends”…
Which really means, we may see him “again” at Thanksgiving…
God Help me…

Q: Mike I have a question that I really hope you can help us out with..
We Texas A&M Aggies are having a tough year…
Some would say, a really tough year…
Is there anything that you can tell us that will give us hope and encouragement?
Roger – La Grange, Texas
A: I wish I could help you out Roger…
But when I saw “La Grange Texas” on your email…
The only thing I could think of was….

“Haw Haw Haw…..”

“Have mercy…..”

EDITORS NOTE: I am thankful that I finally got to have a ZZ Top reference…

Q: Mike, why would Peyton Manning “defend” Phil Fulmer they way he did a week ago on the Auburn sidelines?
Thanks!
Chris – Maryville, Tennessee
A: Chris…
I have on good authority it has to do with a “certain” picture involving a “former” Tennessee Quarterback….
A Hamster…
One Bottle of Wesson Oil…
And..
A “Certain” grossly overweight Tennessee Football Coach….

Playing a game of Semi-Nude “Twister” that went horribly wrong…

THE GAMES

Saturday October 11th

Texas and Oklahoma
The Texas State Fair….
Dallas, Texas
The Red River Shoot Out…..

The Cotton Bowl….

This game has all the atmosphere of a gunfight….

My Friends, it doesn’t get any bigger than this….

HOOK’EM HORNS 27-24

Iowa at Indiana
So we go from the “Red River Shoot-out”……
To the Homers and the Eyes of the Hawk…
This like going from watching the Sugar Bowl…
To watching re-runs of the 2002 Mid-American Regional Junior Chess Championships…

Kill me now….
HOMERS 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: If the folks from Indiana will go with renaming their team the “Gomers”; I can almost guarantee a “sponsorship” from Jim Nabors…
Just think about it…
That’s all I ask…

Toledo at Michigan
Must be “Homecoming” in Ann Arbor…
But Please don’t let Coach Rod’s wife be the “Homecoming Queen”….

You have one Ten Dollar Hooker for a Homecoming Queen and that’s all everyone talks about for ten years….
You don’t think so?
Ask the folks in OBKnoxville…..
WOLVERINES 34-17

East Carolina at Virginia
The Pirates right the ship this weekend…
(Thought that up myself…)
PIRATES 27-17

Syracuse at West Virginia
Victory in Morgantown smells like….
BURNING Couches!
Light Em UP!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-14

Minnesota at Illinois
Golden Gophers: The OTHER White Meat…
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-17

Rutgers at Cincinnati
Have I mentioned that Cincinnati is the Chili Capitol of the Mid-West…
Well it is…
If you ever get a chance to try that “Goldstar” or “Skyline” Chili….
Lord…that is something special

Also as a medical side note: IF you are suffering from constipation, you will be “cured” within 12 hours of eating any of the above mentioned chili…

Forget I mentioned it….
BEARKATS 28-23

Colorado at Kansas
I must confess….
These Hawks of Jay fought like the Devil last weekend and….
NEVER gave up….
I like that…
JAY’S HAWKS 38-27

South Carolina at Kentucky
After the Wildcats scared the crap out of me last weekend…
This one is easy…
WILDCATS 24-21

Utah at Wyoming
I love those folks from Cowboy Country…
But Cousin Vinnie says this game is about the….
TWO UTES 28-17

Kansas State at Texas A&M
I have no reason to believe this will actually happen..
Just so you all know…
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Vanderbilt at Mississippi State
Common Wisdom would favor the Bulldogs…
But there is something special about these Commodores…
COMMODORES 24-14

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry Jim…I hope I am wrong.

Ursinus at Franklin Marshall
As in “Your Sinus”?
I guess it’s better than “UR-Anus”…
Never mind…

Nebraska at Texas Tech
Did I mention that Lubbock is the Home of the Great Buddy Holly?
I thought so…
“All my life I’ve been a waiting…
Tonight they will no hesitating….”

SO Get THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: I have been waiting for the right time to spring a Buddy Holly reference on you…

Arizona State at USC
The Sun Devils couldn’t beat a damn egg….
TROJAN$ 136-0

Tennessee at Georgia
Between the Hedges…
UGA VII is Hunkered Down….
RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES!
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS? 27-17

EDITORS NOTE: Many of you may think…
“He just picked Georgia because he Hates Tennessee…”
That is only half the story…
I do dearly Love those Dawgs…

Purdue at Ohio State
It is written….
“And a freshman shall lead them….”

- Book Of Hayes

It’s in the Bible….Enough said.
BUCKEYES 33-17

Notre Dame at North Carolina
I wish I cared…
But I don’t…
TAR HEELS 31-24

Greenville at LaGrange College
“Haw Haw…Haw…”
Sorry, I still can’t get over my earlier ZZ Top reference….

Michigan State at Northwestern
I know…
I Know…
The Wildcats have their BEST Record since 1962….
Bla..Bla…Bla..
But that Ringer Kid is a Stud…
CALL THE SPARTANS 24-21

Texas Christian at Colorado State
Did somebody say TCU is the Home of Bob Lilly?
I did…
HORNED FROGS 28-24

Garner Webb at Georgia Tech
“Garner Webb” sounds like a Law Firm…
I hope they know “accident” and “Workers Comp” Law…
YELLOW JACKETS 44-0

Carson Newman at Catawba
You really can’t pronounce “Catawba” correctly unless you spit on yourself…
Which is disgusting…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-21

Central Florida at Miami (FL)
Must be “Homecoming” in Coral Gables…
Don’t disappoint me two weeks in a row Canes…
Please?
HURRICANES 38-14

New Mexico State at Nevada
The Wolfpack are a really good football team this year….
BUT the Aggies (with threats to the Administration to bring back “Pistol Pete” by yours truly…)

Are something special…..
I am a believer…
AGGIES 43-38

Arkansas at Auburn
If the Tigers lose again I wonder who Ears will toss under the bus?
No need to worry….
It ain’t happening….
WAR EAGLES 24-17

Juniata at Muhlenberg
Sounds like the story of some Mexican gal riding a mule doesn’t it?
Never mind….

Arizona at Stanford
Gosh, this would really be a “Great” PAC 10 matchup to watch….
But the Hamster Olympics are on ESPN 3 at the same time…..
CARDINAL 6-3

New Mexico at Brigham Young
The Low Blows take a shot in the Jimmy…..
COUGARS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: Yes, I am that easily amused….

Washington State at Oregon State
Unless you are Sigfried and Roy….
Or Kenny Chesney…..
YOU believe in the Power of the Beaver…
BEAVERS 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: O.K. What did I say this time?
I was just talking about the Beaver…
So let it go….

Ball State at Western Kentucky
You may wonder: Will Ball State continue on their Cinderella Season?
Yes, for another week anyway…
CARDINALS 27-17

Iowa State at Baylor
I was trying to come up with a “Bears and Cyclones O’ My” Wizard of Oz reference…
But it just sounded creepy…
Sorry…
BEARS 27-24

Oklahoma State at Missouri
The Cowboys in the rear view mirror are a-lot closer than they appear…
MO’S TIGERS 33-28

LSU at Florida
I believe the Fightn’ Tigers have the better overall team…
But this game is in the Swamp..
And the Gators have Tim Tebow….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-21

Penn State at Wisconsin
The Badgers believe in the “Power of Cheese”…
Well Jo Pa “Cuts” the Cheese whenever he wants….
So there…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-17

Boise State at Southern Miss
After last week’s disappointment…..
(Which (by the way) would NOT have happened if you would have kept Coach Bowers..)
BRONCOS 34-17

Tulsa at Southern Methodist
I only have three words to say about this game…
“My Poor Ponies…”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-24

Tulane at UTEP
You say “Potato”, I say…
MINERS 31-14

EDITORS NOTE: I know….
It didn’t make alot of sense to me either (At First)
But after you think about it for a minute..
You will laugh your butt off…

Air Force at San Diego State
This game reminds me of one of my “favorite” selections in the New American Modern Revisionist History Book….
“The American Air Force Bombs the peaceful Ancient Aztecs; thus the term, “Stone age”
This selection can be found before the chapter on “When the U.S. Marines attacked the North Pole and Killed Santa Claus…”
We Americans are so naughty….
FALCONS 28-17

UCLA at Oregon
This game is like trying to pick the winner in a turtle race…
QUACKERS 3-2

Sunday October 12th

Louisiana Tech at Hawaii
This is the Very BEST Game on Sunday Night at Midnight Eastern Standard Time…

But if given the choice…
I would rather watch “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
That theme music is really catchy…

RAINBOW BRIGHT 34-31

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

I know what you are all saying….

Another week below 80%……

What has happened to Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator?

Nothing…..

I am fine…..
Believe me….

Sure…Last week I was 38 and 12 (a pitiful…76%)

And I know that drops me a point to 79% overall at 240 and 63…..

But there is no need to be concerned.

I just need to tighten my chin strap a little more…..

Let’s get to it…

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday October 9th

Clemson at Wake Forest
I STILL Believe….

I STILL Believe that if Coach Tommy doesn’t win this damn game…
He will be gone sooner than he thinks…….

TIGERS 24-21

UAB at Houston
SOoooooooooo………
The “United Anti-Balloon Animal Protestors” are playing Houston?
I think the folks at PETA have taken this animal rights thing a bit too far…

They are BALLOON Animals People!
They aren’t REAL!

COUGARS 43-13

North Alabama at North Greenville
Before I pick this game, I need to make one “very Important” point.

There is NO “North” or “Northern” Alabama…
That term or terms simply DOES NOT Exist….
We have a “Up” State…and a “Upper” Alabama…

But a “Upper” Alabama University doesn’t sound right…
Hence the term “North Alabama University”…

I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

LIONS 38-31

Friday October 10th

Louisville at Memphis
When I pick the Cardinal’s to “win”….
They Lose…

When I pick them to “Lose”..
They Win….

But I just listened to Elvis sing “Burning Love”…
ELVIS’S TIGERS 31-21

EDITORS NOTE: Thank you…thank you very much…

Your Saturday College Football Picks will be out Later in the Week….

RTR
MEB

As Promised over a week ago…..

And In honor of Coach (Saint) Bobby’s big win over the Hurricanes last Saturday….

I present to you clear cut evidence that Coach Bobby, despite being well over a hunderd years old and in a constant state of confusion, is still able to “recruit” the type of players that Seminole fans have grown accustomed to watching during the Bobby Bowden Era…

Enclosed is a recent snapshot of Coach Bobby looking over a few Seminole “recruits” mug shots…..

Sorry….
I mean “Class Photos”….

RTR
MEB

Before we get into Saturday’s Picks I have to say…

I am still mad about last night……

I am One and Two on Thursday night (again)?

DAMN it….

This is the reason my average has fallen faster than the stock market the last two weeks…

As you know I was a disappointing 30 and 15 (76%) last week…

Which leaves me at an embarrassing 202 and 51 for the season or 80%.

Hold on for a minute…..

I just said thirty “Hail Bryants”…..
Now I feel better…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football NEWS and VIEWS

HAWAII: This message is for Rainbow Head Coach Greg McMackin…
YOU “demoted” Coach Brian Kajiyama?
Shame on you…

NOW I am really glad you are losing…

YOU do not deserve to live in the same state as “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
I love those guys…

TENNESSEE: I recall the NCAA’s “Big Fat Secret Witness” had this to say about “Why he had a problem with the University of Alabama”….

“That University (Alabama) is recruiting in my backyard (Memphis), and I have to question why anyone would leave MY state for another school…”

- Fat Phil Fulmer (Also Known as the NCAA’s “Secret Witness”)

Really?

Well, somebody better alert the Fat Man because the Miami Hurricanes have gotten some key players out of his backyard under the shadow of his ever expanding ass….

From Memphis too……

Running Back…Graig Cooper
Corner Back…Carlos Armour
Offensive Line….Tyler Horn

 Let’s cut to the chase shall we?

Are you Tennessee Vol fans EVER going to be embarrassed by this gibbering jackass’s behavior?

Have you all sold your soul’s for a win?

Just wondering….

VANDERBILT: IF you beat Auburn this Saturday Night…
You all will be 5 and 0 for the first time since 1943…..

I am a Believer…..

CLEMSON: My Tiger Family…I have GOOD news.

This is how it’s going to work…

Dumbass Tommy’s Contract will be bought out by the end of the year…

Your “New” Coach?

Meet Coach Johnson of Vanderbilt…

He IS a Clemson Man…

and will be Your Football Coach in 2009…

Believe it…

NCAA: Seriously, when can we expect to hear about the “Investigation” into Reggie Bu$h and the $outhern California Trojan$?

In the words of Duane “Dog” Chapman…

“I will not give this up until I take my last dying breath”

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if people that “Google” Reggie Bu$h or the $outhern California Trojan$ ever get tired of seeing the Ole CFBWIZARD pop up…

NCAA (PART II): Has Fat Phil called you all yet about the Miami Hurricanes recruiting in Memphis?

MIAMI (FL): “IF” you happen to see what appears to be an overweight Manatee hiding in the bushes on the Hurrcane campus wearing a “Big Orange” T-shirt…

That smells like ass and potted meat…

Don’t worry…
OR call the Animal Control folks….

It’s just Fat Phil Fulmer conducting another “Investigation” for the NCAA….

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: YOU jackasses aren’t on probation or “Looking down the barrel of the Death Penalty” YET?

Really?

I guess that only applies to “Real” Southern Schools…

ESPN: How much longer must we be held hostage to the halftime segment entitled…”Dr. Lou”?

Why we must we be subjected to listening to a 140 pound Tom Turkey spit and slur during the entire halftime?

Lou sounds like Slyvester the Cat after a three day drinking binge….

ESPN (PART II): Everytime I hear Pam Ward talk…

I die…

Just a little bit…

Inside…

PLEASE make her STOP!

ESPN (PART III): SOOOOOooooooooooo….

You all really don’t want to talk about the NCAA and PAC 10 “Investigation” into Reggie Bu$H and the Univer$ity of $outhern California Trojan$?

You do know I am going to bug the hell out of you and talk trash until you do?

Right?

Just so we understand each other…

HASKELL INDIAN NATIONS UNIVERSITY: For the first time in almost 75 years the university is re-introducing football on campus….

Why is this important?

Before this Country’s GREATIST athlete enrolled at Carlisle Indian School….

Jim Thorpe played football at Haskell Prep…..

That football field IS sacred ground…

Good Luck this weekend Boys!

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, what is your “Problem” with “everything” California?
Juniper – San Diego, California
A: Because you all suck…

I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

Q: I have a question for you…
Why do they call Pittsburg State the “Gorillas”?
Thanks!
Chuck – Abilene, KS
A: Have you ever seen their Cheerleaders?

I rest my case….

Q: Hey, I got me a question!
My sister has what the doctor calls “Web” feet.
Does that mean if we hook her up to a computer, that
We is gettin our own “Web”-”site”?
GO VOLS
Stu – Pikeville, Tennessee
A: So Stu…
How close do you live to the Nuclear Power Plant?

Just wondering…

Q: Seriously Mike…
How old is Bobby Bowden?
Thanks!!
Tommy – Blacksburg, Virginia
A: Tommy…
When Bobby Bowden was born…
They hadn’t even invented dirt yet…

THE GAMES

Saturday October 4th

Penn State at Purdue
I would sooner doubt John Wayne than second guess Jo Pa…
JO PA’S LIONS 34-17

Duke at Georgia Tech
This is an imperfect world we live in….
Or…
They would BOTH Lose…
YELLOW JACKETS 31-23

Iowa at Michigan State
I like that Spartan Running Back…
That Ringer kid is a Class act…
CALL THE SPARTANS 23-14

Indiana at Minnesota
Gophers and Homers?
This is what I have to choose from?
Where is David Hasselhoff when you really need him?
OOOO SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 23-17

Boston College at North Carolina State
Not that it fits here….
But did you all know…
That a Boston accent is one of the VERY Best Birth Control devices known to mankind?
EAGLES 24-21

Rutgers at West Virginia
The folks from New Jersey (Pronounced: Newww Jorseee) are introduced to what is commonly referred to as:
A Mountain Ass Whoppin…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Akron at Kent State
What a choice I have here…
Zippers or Protesting Wusseys…
I would rather watch monkeys sling poop for three hours…
ZIPPERS 23-10

Oklahoma at Baylor
This game is going to be uglier than my sister-in-law’s Prom Night…
“With” Power Blue Eye Shadow…
(Sorry for the Visual…)
BOOMER SOONER 38-13

Florida at Arkansas
There are few things in this world as mean as a wounded Gator…

Well…
That and my sister-in-law with a Hang Over…

Never mind…
It’s kind of the Same thing…
MIGHTY GATORS 43-10

Kansas at Iowa State
The Cyclones don’t have enough wind to make a popcorn fart…
HAWKS of JAY 33-17

Alcorn State at New Mexico State
Somebody really named their school after Al’s Bunion?
That is just disgusting…
AGGIES 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: Bring back “Pistol Pete”…..
I am NOT Kidding!

Western Kentucky at Virginia Tech
You say “Hill Toppers”…
I say……
“Turkey Feed”
HOKIES 33-10

UNLV at Colorado State
You know what they say?
What happens in Vegas…
Usually gets cured in the Doctors office in about ten to fourteen working days…
REBELS 28-20

South Carolina at Ole Miss
Forget about last week…
It’s a new day…..
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Stanford at Notre Dame
EVERYBODY in the Country Picked the IRISH last week…
TO LOSE…
BUT Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator..
No Need to thank me…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-17

Army at Tulane
Dare I pick the once proud Black Knights of the Hudson?
NOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!
GREEN WAVE 24-14

Kentucky at Alabama
I love my Big Blue Fans…
There are no better fans on the planet…
SO I will keep this one simple…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17

Texas Tech at Kansas State
Do you know what time it is?
It’s TIME to get those GUNS UP RED RAIDERS!
RED RAIDERS 38-20

Mars Hill at Carson Newman
You know we have a screwed up immigration policy when People from “Mars” have their own college…
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-10

Illinois at Michigan
It’s October…..
Which means it’s too close to Halloween…
To go against the Fighting Pumpkins…
ZOOK’S PUMPKINS 31-21

 
Arizona State at California
You may call me “crazy”….
So did that “know it all” Doctor…
SUN DEVILS 24-23

Southern Methodist at Central Florida
Say it with me…
MIGHTY..MIGHTY…
MUSTANGS! 33-31

Florida State at Miami (FL)
The Good News?
Coach Bobby thinks he is meeting Woodrow Wilson and getting an award for “discovering” Sea Monkeys…
The Bad News?
It’s STILL Hurricane Season…
CANES 33-17

Navy at Air Force
Didn’t the “Village People” have a Sailor in the “group”?
That’s what I thought…
FALCONS 38-24

Nevada at Idaho
When I hear or read about Idaho I don’t think about football or potatoes..
I remember that girl “Ida” from High School…
She had a rather “progressive view of morals” for her time…
Forget I mentioned it…
WOLFPACK 28-24

Auburn at Vanderbilt
I am not sure I believe it myself…
But I am a Believer….
COMMODORES 17-16

San Diego State at Texas Christian
Didn’t the Aztec’s Kill the Baby Seals?
I learned that from a southern California History Teacher..
HORNED FROGS 38-10

Connecticut at North Carolina
Did you see the Tar Heels play last weekend?
My point exactly…..
TAR HEELS 24-17

Texas A&M at Oklahoma State
My favorite movie of all time?
After “Lonesome Dove”?
John Wayne: The Cowboys.
Enough said…
COWBOY UP! 27-10

Maryland at Virginia
I will not doubt the POWER of the NINJA turtles…
Again…
NINJA TURTLES 38-13

UTEP at Southern MIss
I will let you all in on a little “secret” to picking the games…
UTEP is in El Paso…
Southern Miss is in Hattiesburg Mississippi…
El Paso smells like a used urinal cake…

Hattiesburg smells like heaven…

That’s how it’s done…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

Northern Illinois at Tennessee
By the time the Knoxghanistan Newspaper gets finished writing about this game….
You will think the Vowels beat the damn New England Patriots…
Enjoy it while you can…

YOU all got the Big DAWGS next week….
VOWELS 43-17

Ball State at Toledo
Have I mentioned that David Letterman went to Ball State?
Well, so did one of the best looking women in South Carolina…
So there…
CARDINALS 34-24

Washington at Arizona
I would LOVE to watch this game…
Really I would…
But there is a “special” about Gary Coleman on Vh1 “Behind the Music”…
I wish he would write a song called “What’ Ch-U Talking about Willis”..
Sometimes I wish for too much…
WILDCATS 6-3

Oregon at U$C
In a “Perfect World”?
They would BOTH lose….
By A lot…
TROJAN$ 3-2

Texas at Colorado
What is the first thing I think about when I wake up?
I Remember the Alamo…
HOOK EM HORNS 38-14

Ohio State at Wisconsin
This is the Game of the Week….
The “National Sports Media” believes the Badgers will win this game….
Thank God you all have me…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 27-23

Rice at Tulsa
I LOVE Rice Pudding….
But (Like I said) it is STILL Hurricane season….
GOLDEN HURRICANES 24-23

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry…that just sounded nasty.

Missouri at Nebraska
Coach Bo will keep this closer than you think….
Keep the faith my Black Shirt Faithful….
The Huskers ARE on their way back…
MO’S TIGERS 34-23

Wyoming at New Mexico
I hate picking the Low Blows….
It’s the same feeling you get when you order something from Tony Little…
LOW BLOWS 13-7

Hawaii at Fresno State
For those that are hearing impaired…..
Let me repeat the earlier statement concerning Hawaii Warrior Football….

This message is for Rainbow Head Coach Greg McMackin…
YOU “demoted” Coach Brian Kajiyama?
Shame on you…

YOU do not deserve to live in the same state as “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
I really do love THOSE guys…
BULLDOGS 34-17

 Washington State at UCLA
I have to change the dirt out of my ant farm or I would watch this game…
Really….
BRUINS 23-17

Enjoy your Games!

RTR
MEB

It’s time once again to provide you (My Beloved Fans) the Early Picks of the Week.

And as Promised….

Your Saturday Picks will be out on Friday Evening…

So don’t stress….

Don’t worry….

There is plenty of time for that on Sunday Morning after the Games….

Enjoy Your Picks!

Motivation from Yesterday….

We all enjoy hearing about the motivational pre-game speeches…

Especially if they are from our favorite team.

I have had the priviledge during my lifetime of hearing some pre-game pep talks from the very best there is or ever will be…

But I have to say this pre-game speech of yesterday has always been one of my favorites.

“Your fathers and your grandfathers are the ones who fought their fathers.
These men playing against you today are soldiers.
They are the Long Knives.
You are Indians.
Tonight, we will know if you are warriors.”

- Glenn “Pop” Warner, Head Coach of the Carlisle Indians, pre-game pep talk to Jim Thorpe and the Carlisle team before the game with the Cadets of West Point.

If this doesn’t motivate you…
Then you need to check your pulse….

THE GAMES

Wednesday October 1st

Louisiana Tech at Boise State
Call it a feeling….
BRONCOS 38-3

Thursday October 2nd

Pittsburg at South Florida
The Boys from Tampa are for real….
And that my friends…
Is NO BULL…
BULLS 31-17

Memphis at UAB
I just finished listening to an Elvis CD…
So I have to go with the team from Graceland…
ELVIS’S TIGERS 24-17

EDITORS NOTE: Actually, I was listening to a Jethro Tull (No it wasn’t an Eight Track) CD.

But Elvis is STILL the King…
Amen…

Oregon State at Utah
This is NOT an UPSET Special…
I just Believe…..
BEAVERS 33-31

Friday October 3rd

Assumption at Bentley College
Why would someone name their school after a strain of tuberculous?
I am too disgusted to pick this game…

Brigham Young at Utah State
Another showdown in the Land of Donny and Marie…
I can promise you one thing about this game…
The fans at this game have the whitest, straightest teeth in all of college football….
COUGARS 38-17

Cincinnati at Marshall
I really like those BearKats….
But there is something special about this Thundering Herd Team…..
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24

RTR
MEB

Before we discuss the past week in College Football, I want to tell you a thing or two about picking the games….

You see I have been in a rush picking your games.
I admit it…

I am not making excuses…
If I were to make excuses I would use any one of my favorite three excuses.
You know what those are right?

The Sun was in my eyes…

I had a rock in my shoe….

And…
I don’t play well on artificial turf…

You see “IF” I hadn’t of been in a hurry this past week, (Believe it or not)…
I would have picked Oregon State over U$C…and
the Houston Cougars over East Carolina…

Don’t get me wrong..
I still would have missed Navy over Wake Forest…
Michigan over Wisconsin….
Colorado over Florida State…
Iowa over Northwestern…
and I Damn sure would have missed Ole Miss over…
Never mind you get the picture…

Not that it would have made a big difference…

I just would have felt better about myself this week…

NOT that it wasn’t a GREAT weekend for me….

But I will be much more careful (for you) My Beloved fans in the Future…

ROLL TIDE ROLL……
MEB

FROM THE….

WHAT THE HELL? (FILE)

WISCONSIN: What were you cheeseheads thinking?
Thanks for making me look like a complete jackass….

WAKE FOREST: How could you lose to “Navy”? Their mascot is a goat!
You beat Florida State (AT Florida State!) last Saturday…
Then Lose to Navy at home the next….

I am speechless….

COLORADO: Were you all really that un-inspired without my sister-in-law leading you onto the field? I knew that she could irritate the hell out of someone…(anyone)
But “Inspire”?
Never….

CARSON NEWMAN: I can believe losing to “Mayberry”, but “New” Berry…?

CLEMSON: My friends….
I do not have words that will comfort you…
Except maybe….
FIRE TOMMY’S ASS……

IOWA: “Children of the Corn”…my butt.
You all couldn’t scare a class of second graders…

FLORIDA: I am still too shocked to speak on the subject…
Maybe next week…

MIAMI (FL): You all play the toughest 15 minutes of football in the country…
Unfortunately the game is 60 damn minutes long….

HAWAII: The way you play; you don’t deserve to live in the same state as “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART I)

“The first thing they need to do is listen to Coach Fulmer and the coaching staff……they know what they are doing..”

-Peyton Manning talking to CBS Sideline Reporter Tracy Wolfson on the Tennessee bench during the Tennessee – Auburn game

EDITORS NOTE: You Tennessee Vol fans ARE smart enough to know this is “damage control” to save the Fat Man’s job right?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART II)

“This team needs to listen to Coach Fulmer and the coaching staff….
They have a plan. So listen to them and follow the plan…
Coach Fulmer knows what he is doing….”

- The second time CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson spoke with Peyton Manning on the Tennessee bench during the Tennessee – Auburn game

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously; you Tennessee fans “DO KNOW” this “Spin Cycle” is all being done to protect Fat Phil’s job, right?
You sure….?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART III)

“I wanted to touch each of the players in a place they hadn’t been touched before…”

- Peyton Manning’s response to CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson when asked if he said or did anything with the Vol Football team before the game…

EDITORS NOTE: Dude, I wouldn’t have said that…

GOD’S GIFT TO THE COMMON MAN

This week’s God’s Gift to the Common man (and woman) comes in the form of the greatest gift to tailgating since the invention of charcoal…

Earl Campbell’s Hot Links…

Not only was Earl a Heisman Trophy winner from the University of Texas…
(Hook Em Horns…)
And a member of the Professional Football Hall of Fame…

He also makes the best damn Hot Links and Sausage on the planet…

Here is one link (No Pun intended) there are others…
Get some today…
There is nothing like them…
http://www.samsclub.com/shopping/navigate.do?dest=5&item=182629

COMMENTARY

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: The Trojan$ lose to an unranked team with a losing record (No disrespect to the Oregon State Beavers)……..
And the Trojan$ stay in the AP top ten….
Did you know the Trojan$ are currently only 2 and 1…..

The Number “Ten” Team is 5 and 0….

It finally occurred to me what bothers me the most about everything $outhern California Trojan$….

The sense of entitlement….

Why don’t they have to “Fight their way back into the Top Ten”?
Like everybody else….

If they were really that good…
Would they have lost to Oregon State?

The belief of the Privileged….

The Trojan$ and their Pimps from ESPN and ABC “believe” the Trojan$ are a team of “Destiny”…and they “still” have a shot at the National Title….

Of course ESPN and ABC Sports don’t think THE Ohio State University has a shot at the title…despite losing to the (then) top team in the nation….not an unranked losing team (No disrespect to the Oregon State Beavers..)

ESPN and ABC have all but written off Georgia despite losing to a top ten footbal team AND falling out of the Top Ten themselves…

Why don’t the TROJAN$ (after a stellar 2 and 1 record) have to work like the devil (and maybe win a few more games) to get back into the Top Ten or Top fifteen?

I WONDER don’t you?

NCAA: I continue to see on the various College Football Blogs and Forums how Great and wonderful “Alabama is doing since being on probation…”

Some still call us cheaters…

Prehaps what bothers me the most, even more than the FACT that the NCAA punished the University of Alabama without ANY evidence….

That’s right I said it…
AND so did the Lead NCAA Investigator in the case…

I would suggest…
You READ the NCAA “evidence” and you will agree…
Yet I digress…

Is the fact the NCAA has ALL the evidence they need in the Reggie Bush – Southern California Trojan Case……

 In the form of recorded tapes with Reggie Bush and his then “sports agent”…
Credit Card receipt’s….payed for by Reggie’s “sports agent”…
signed by Reggie Himself…

Plane Tickets…
Signed legal agreement’s…

and a HOUSE with an ADDRESS for GOD’S Sake…!!!!!!
Paid by Reggie’s “Sports Agent”….

Yet….
The NCAA and the PAC 10 Conference refuses to say anything concerning the investigation…

WHY?

I guess there are two sets of rules at the NCAA….
Those for Southerners….and the midwest…
And those for the privileged….

EDITORS NOTE: And as a side note…
The only thing funnier than the NCAA using the words “Fair” is when they use the word “Education”…

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, I cannot believe how Tennessee is a playing!
We is depressed as hell around here!
When we was a watching the game this past weekend, we noticed Coach Fulmer hollering at the Vol Quarterback, when he a coming off the field!
We couldn’t hear or tell what he was a saying!
Do you know what Coach Fulmer was telling the Tennessee Quarterback?
Thanks!
Shakey and Shelia – Athens, Tennessee

A: Lucky for you I have Bionic Hearing…
Coach Fulmer was telling the Tennessee Quarterback Jonathan Cromton…
“GET in MY BELLY!”

Q: Mike, did you see Chris Berman on College Game Day this past Saturday?
He said (and I quote..)
“The SEC, The BIG 12 and the BIG Ten need to pay attention!
The Ivy League is were football was invented!”

What do you think about that?
Kevin – Thomasville, Georgia
A: Well Kevin, “Flight” was invented at Kitty Hawk North Carolina and they don’t even have a damn airport today…
So don’t put any stock in what some smartass over-paid yankee has to say…

Q: What ever happened to the NCAA’s “Excessive Celebration” rule in College Football?
Since the University of Washington was taken behind the woodshed by the “rule”…
And the NCAA and the PAC 10 Conference Defended the rulings…
The NCAA appears to have backed away from their ruling…
YET, we haven’t heard anything..
What gives?
Thanks Mike!
Jimmy – Lincoln, Nebraska

A: In case you didn’t know Jimmy…
The NCAA is made up of a bunch of “Know it all” Academics, that can’t (and won’t) admit when they are wrong…

O’ Yeah…
Also they are all Wusseys….

Q: Mike, if you were driving down the road and you saw the President of the NCAA (Miles Brand) on the side of the road, what one word comes to mind?
Be Honest….
Jerry – Birmingham, Alabama
A: “Accelerate”

Enjoy your Week!

RTR

MEB

I don’t know about you….
But I am still higher than a Georgia Pine over the Oregon State Beavers win last night!

I half expected to wake up this morning and read about mass suicides within the College Football National Media over the U$C Trojan loss…

You can’t blame a guy for dreaming, can you?

Before we launch into Saturday’s Games let’s talk about last week.

Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was an uncharacteristic 30 and 14 or a rather disappointing 68%….

I will however say the Boise State Bronco fans don’t really care; because I nailed their win over the Oregon Quacks…

Before I give our overall numbers for the season I think it’s about time I say…..

HOW ABOUT THE OREGON STATE BEAVERS BEATING THAT TROJAN ASS!

Currently we are 172 and 36 or 83% for the year….

Which isn’t too bad considering….

OREGON STATE BEAVERS BEAT THE BEST TEAM MONEY CAN BUY!

This will not get old for me…any time soon.

Enjoy your Picks!

CLASS ACT OF THE WEEK

MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS: Senior Running Back Javon Ringer after rushing for 282 yards and scoring both touchdowns in the Spartans 17 to 0 win over Florida Atlantic told the post game media…

“I don’t know why you all are talking to me…Behind me is my offensive line. They did all the work and without them, I wouldn’t have gotten anything…”

Javon Ringer then proceded to introduce his offensive line one by one and then he politely excuse himself so the media and the offensive line could talk….

EDITORS NOTE: This young man is nothing BUT CLASS….Period.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Nobody in the PAC 10 can compete with U$C…..”

- Kirt Herbstreit – ESPN College Football Gameday

EDITORS NOTE: Isn’t Oregon State in the PAC 10?
Just wondering…..

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART II)

“We are only a quarter of the way through our season…so we have alot more football to play”

- Southern California Trojan Quarterback Mark Sanchez response to being asked by Kirt Herbstreit on how the Trojans are prepared to remain “The Number One Team in the Country”…

EDITORS NOTE: Let me see if I have this right…

When asked that question the Trojan$ had only played TWO..as in 2 games.

So a “Quarter” of the Games would be what?

So, either the Trojan$ only play EIGHT games or it is REALLY REALLY easy to get a Math and Accounting Degree from Southern California…

Dumbass…..

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART III)

“Me and my teammates, like we ain’t no quitters…
We bring it all day long…All day….you know…
Like you wait and see.”

- Tennessee Volunteer Defensive Back Eric Berry on being prepared for the Florida Gators…

BEFORE they were soundly thrashed 30 to 6 by the Mighty Florida Gators…

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if Mr. Berry is an English major?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK (PART IV)

“We don’t have any leadership on this team…”

- Coach Phil Fulmer on the 2008 Tennessee Volunteer Football team

EDITORS NOTE: Can we assume that starts from the top?

THE GAMES

Saturday September 27th

Minnesota at Ohio State
This week an O’So Gloden Gopher means….
A Gopher that has been fried to a crispy golden brown…
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-14

Maryland at Clemson
This game will be real close for two quarters….
Then it will be nothing but…
TOMMY’S TIGERS 31-17

Carson Newman at Newberry
If this game was against Mayberry I would feel different…
Because I could never go against Andy and Barney…
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-10

Michigan State at Indiana
Down go the Homers…..
Or Homer Down! (If you prefer)
Never mind….
SPARTANS 33-13

Virginia at Duke
Why? My Point exactly….
I can’t believe I did this either…
BLUE DEVILS 23-17

Pittsburg at Syracuse
This is the “Who Sucks Worse” Game …
It’s a toss up…
PANTHERS 13-10

Kent State at Ball State
Ahhhhhh……
All is right with the World when Kent State loses at ANYTHING….
CARDINALS 43-10

North Carolina at Miami
The Heels will keep it close….
But we are still in Hurricane Season….
HURRICANES 33-24

Northwestern at Iowa
What is with the “Eyes of the Hawk”?
(Which by the way sounds like a Sylvester Stallone Movie)

EYES of the HAWK 23-17
Coming to a theater near you…

Ole Miss at Florida
The Good news is that Morgan Freeman is recovering well from his automobile accident…
He is THE voice of the University of Mississippi…
Other than that Ole Miss is going to get their ass kicked…
MIGHTY GATORS 34-14

Army at Texas A&M
The Aggies finally found a team they can beat…
Congratulations…
GIG EM AGGIES 43-13

Rhode Island at Boston College
I cannot in good conscience pull for a team or a state that is living a lie…
Rhode Island is NOT an Island…
Liars…
EAGLES 38-10

Arkansas at Texas
An Old Fashioned Southwest Conference Fight….
President Nixon said the 1969 game between these two team was the game of the century..
This one will not be as powerful…
But it will be one hell of a game…
LONGHORNS 34-17

Wisconsin at Michigan
If you are a Wolverine Fan I would send the kids to Grandma’s house for the weekend…
This is going to be uglier than Coach Rod’s wife without any make-up…
BADGERS 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: Yes…It will be THAT ugly.

Tennessee at Auburn
Can you play that song for me?
You know the one…
Rocky Flop…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 27-14

Houston at East Carolina
The Cougars will keep this a lot closer that you might think…
PIRATES 27-24

Fresno State at UCLA
I wish I could watch this “instant classic” but, VH1 has a progam devoted to Singing Mexican Midgets in Sombreros…
You see my dilemmia..right?
BRUINS 6-3

Colorado at Florida State
Before you ask…
No my Sister-in-law will not be leading the Colorado Team onto the Field…
She gets car sick on long trips…
Trust me on this one…
BUFFALOS 33-28

Purdue at Notre Dame
Even after last weeks loss….
I still believe…for now
FIGHTING IRISH 31-28

Morgan State at Rutgers
I don’t even know who this Morgan guy is…
Forget about it….
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 44-10

Marshall at West Virginia
I REALLY want to pick the Thundering Herd in this one…
But I have to go with History…
Light those Couches…But not too much.
MOUNTAINEERS 24-21 

Cincinnati at Akron
Seriously….what the hell is a “Zip”?
You named your team after a “Zipper”?
What was your other choice?
“The Urinal Cakes”?
BEARKATS 28-17

Louisiana Lafayette at Kansas State
No disrespect to anything Rajun or Cajun…
This one is all…
WILDCATS 27-17

Navy at Wake Forest
Nothing says “Demon Deacon” quite like a Jimmy Swaggart “Praise-a-Thon”…..
Not that it really fits here…
I just thought it was funny…
DEMON DEACONS 28-17

North Texas at Rice
Between a Kitchen Cleanser and my favorite pudding?
No contest…
RICE PUDDING 31-28

Colorado State at California
This one will be a lot closer….
as in A LOT Closer than you might think….
DA BEARS 24-20

Oregon at Washington State
This is a GREAT time to remind EVERYBODY….
THE OREGON STATE BEAVERS BEAT the Univer$ity of the $econd Coming!
ANIMAL QUACKERS 43-10 

Texas Christian at Oklahoma
The Horned Frogs will keep this close for a half….
Then it will be time to crank up the Boomer Sooner…
BOOMER SOONER 34-17

Western Kentucky at Kentucky
You know….
I still miss Bill Keightley…. 
This one is for “Mr. Wildcat”…
WILDCATS 28-14

Central Arkansas at Tulsa
Even though I still think that Hurricane Ike was a jackass…
I have to go with…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-10

UAB at South Carolina
Why are the “United Arab Badminton-ers” playing the Gamecocks?

There is so much wrong with this I don’t know where to begin….
GAMECOCKS 24-10

Troy at Oklahoma State
You better keep your eye on Troy in this one…
COWBOYS 27-17 

Mississippi State at LSU
I wish I had better news for you Bulldog Jim…
FIGHTN TIGERS 38-10

South Florida at North Carolina State
You better believe it….
This is No Bull…
BULLS 27-23

Alabama at Georgia
This is THE Game of the Day….

My Dawg Faithful know that I love them…

I miss ole UGA…
and appreciate the new dawg…

I have never met a bad Georgia Bulldog fan…
Ever..

Sorry Lewis…

CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Illinois at Penn State
I asked Jo Pa once what he thought about Jim Thorpe…

Coach said “he was the best football player he ever saw…”

Enough said…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-24

EDITORS NOTE: You may not think the above comment fits…
But it does…
 

Weber State at Utah
I cannot believe the Grill Factory has a college….
Can You?
TWO UTES 44-10

Virginia Tech at Nebraska
Before you ask…
No, I didn’t studder….
HUSKERS 24-20

New Mexico at New Mexico State
The winner of this instate battle gets a really cool Cactus…
Which is nice… 
AGGIES 27-24

Stanford at Washington
I never thought I would see the day I picked the “tree” over the Mighty Huskies…
“CARDINAL” (Singular) 24-23

Nevada at UNLV
Will the Running Rebels remain undefeated?
Yes….they will
REBELS 33-31

Sunday, September 28th

San Jose Somebody at Hawaii
Who cares…
Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on A&E on Wednesday Nights!
WARRIORS Dancing with the Stars on RAINBOWS 38-17

Enjoy your Games!

RTR
MEB

Much like Ward Cleaver…

I too Hail the Power of the Beaver….

OREGON STATE BEAVERS 27

$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN$ 21

Congratulations to the Oregon State Beavers for killing the hopes and dreams of the most overrated team in all of College Football for the last ten years…

That (O’ By the Way)…
Should be on NCAA Probation by now anyway…

I am SO Glad I was wrong about that game….

More later today…

RTR
MEB

We only have time to cover those College Football Games that take place between now and Saturday…

So Please…Stay tuned.

We have a lot to discuss on Friday in Part II of Your Week Five College Football Picks…

We will have the Weekly Round Up…

Email Questions and Answers….

And the All Important Games of the Week…

 Alabama and Georgia between the hedges…

Arkansas and Texas in an old Fashion Southwest Conference Fight….

The Thundering Herd of Marshall travel to Morgantown to take on the Mountaineers of West Virginia…

And a whole lot more….

See you back here on Friday for all the games…

Also….

Before I forget…
Hootie Snitch (The Self Proclaimed “Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!”) found his mothers dentures….
So you Tennessee Fans can call off the search.

Her teeth were found in the glovebox of her Towtruck behind the “New” pair of Channel Locks…

Enjoy your Picks!

Thursday September 25th

Southern Methodist at Tulane
My Mighty Mustangs are only a year away….
GREEN WAVE 33-23

Southern California at Oregon State
I don’t know which is worse…
Knowing the Trojans are going to win…
OR the National Sports Media slobber fest that will take place over the next four hours on “How Great The Trojans Are..”
TROJANS 43-17

Friday September 26th

Connecticut at Louisville
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
Don’t try and Stop Me!….
Just Believe….
CARDINALS 31-27

Hofstra at Stony Brook
The truth is, I could care less about a school named after a lung infection….
But this game does remind me that it’s time for a shamless plug for my friends at Stony Brook Chalets in Beautiful Gatlinburg….
There isn’t a better place on the planet to relax and recharge than at Stony Brook…
Give them a call….you will be glad you did.

http://www.stonybrooklodging.com/

See you back here tomorrow…

RTR
MEB

As promised we return for the Saturday College Football Games…..

Due to limited time this week for “The Picks” I will present the “Southern California Trojan” version of the College Football Picks next week…

However, just for you (My Beloved Fans) I will provide a sample of what is to come in that segment with a “Southern California Trojan” Testimonial…
It should be more than enough to get your funny bone going for the weekend…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football News and Views

HURRICANE IKE: Now I know how Tina felt….
I am glad your ass is gone….

ARCHIE MANNING: Is it just me, or is Archie starting to look more like Woody Allen each day?

FLORIDA STATE: Even at Bobby’s advanced age he is out on the recruiting trail…
You don’t think so?
Tune in next week, I have a picture to prove it!

ESPN: The only thing you have for us at Halftime on Thursday Night College Football is “Dr. Lou”?

Really? That’s all you all came up with?

Lou spitting and gobbling for 15 minutes?

HOW about SHOWING us the Damn MARCHING BANDS?

TENNESSEE: This past week Phat Phil and his “personal” Attorney Jeff Hagood filed a motion to prevent Coach Phil Fulmer from having to provide a depostion in a lawsuit involving a former Alabama Booster.

This isn’t the “Same” Coach Phil Fulmer that stated in an article this past summer (printed in the Knoxville News-Sentinel) that self-proclaimed he was a “man of Principle and Integrity”…

This couldn’t be the “Same” Coach Fulmer that stated on a radio sports talk show “I didn’t have anything to do with the investigation into  Alabama…”
Then Proceded to conduct his own investigation with “Thunder Lips” Thornton and became the NCAA “Secret Witness”?

EDITORS NOTE: The wheels of justice move slowly….but they finally caught his fat ass.

AUBURN: This past week the President of Auburn University had to issue a statement to the student, fans and alumni….
“Be good sports…Don’t Boo your team or the opposing team…Your behavior reflects poorly on the Auburn Family…”

EDITORS NOTE: I NEVER thought I would see the day when the Auburn Fans acted like Tennessee Fans….You should all be ashamed of yourselves….

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Seriously, shouldn’t you all be on probation by now?
Just wondering……

MICHIGAN: I know it hurts losing to a crappy Notre Dame Team….
But Look on the bright side….
Coach Rod’s wife STILL looks like a ten Dollar Hooker….

NCAA: SOoooooo just exactly are you with the “BIG” Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Mighty Southern California Trojans..?

STILL Wondering…..

EMAIL Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, how do they seperate the “Boys” from the “Men” at The University of Southern California?
Mel – Seattle, Washington
A: With a Crowbar….

Q: Hey Man! I am a Roadie for a Poison cover band called “Poison: Overdose” and I have a question for you! If Bret Michaels was a college football team who would it be and why?
Thanks Dude, you rock!
“Beef” – Kansas City, Missouri
A: I would have to say Georgia Tech…Because they are after all..
 ”The Rambling Wreck”…Rock on Dude..

Q: If you could have one wish, would it be for “World Peace” or “Ending World Hunger”?
Flower – Coronado, California
A: Neither….
It would involve a Deaf Mute “Super Model” that owned her own chain of liquor stores…

Q: Mike, our neighbors are Tennessee fans…
They are normal 8 months out of the year…
You can talk with them about almost anything..
Until football season starts!

Then they act stupid! Can you help us please?

Mindy – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: Mindy…these are people that believe “Professional Wrestling” is Real and the Moon landing is a fake….Go figure.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN “Testimonials”

EDITORS NOTE: These are “real” testimonials to the Greatness of all that is the University of Southern California Trojans Football…..
Enjoy….

“Mark Sanchez saved me a ton of money on my car insurance!”

- Dr. Mike Rotchburns

“The Southern California Trojans Cured my Polio!”

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“Since I placed my hands under the University of Southern California Trojan center last week; I no longer want to molest little boys…Thank you USC Trojans!”

- Michael Jackson

“It is a scientific fact: Hurricanes DO NOT hit the west coast out of fear for the Southern California Trojans!”

- Jim Cantore “The Weather Channel”

“What was I thinking? Scientology is for wusseys! I believe in the power of the Trojans!”

- Tom Cruise

THE GAMES

Saturday September 20th

EDITORS NOTE: I have been accused in the past of being “insensitive” and “uncultured”….
I hope to correct this unfair description of myself this week….
By Picking Your College Football Games through the “magic” of Interpretive Dance…

Enjoy!

Troy at Ohio State
I am doing the “River Dance” right now and thinking….
THE MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

EDITORS NOTE: Get it..”Stomping”?
I think I pulled something…

East Carolina at North Carolina State
If I was the Coach for the Wolfpack I would be doing the “Running Man”….
PIRATES 23-17

Temple at Penn State
I am a little afraid to discuss dancing here: I don’t want Jo Pa to break a hip…
JO PA’S LIONS 44-13

Mississippi State at Georgia Tech
Somebody call the Bee Gees!
The Bulldogs….are Staying Alive…
BULLDOGS 23-20

EDITORS NOTE: I can’t believe I had to resort to a Disco reference already…
I might have really pulled something……my leg is on fire.

Ohio at Northwestern
Seriously…My leg is burning like hell itself.
WILDCATS 27-14

Florida Atlantic at Minnesota
Just thinking about Gophers Dancing…
Makes me laugh…
O SOooo GOLDEN GOPHERS 33-17

Iowa at Pittsburg
Honestly? I am still laughing about the Dancing Gophers….
Yes..I am that easily amused.
EYES of the HAWK 27-14

Central Michigan at Purdue
Seriously…
I have to stop laughing over the dancing Gophers…
I almost made myself throw-up…..
BOILERMAKERS 28-24

Alabama at Arkansas
This ain’t no Party….
This ain’t no Disco…
This ain’t no fooling around…
CRIMSON TIDE 33-24

Central Florida at Boston College
If yankees dance or enjoy themselves in any way…
I am blissfully unaware…
EAGLES 27-14

Eastern Michigan at Maryland
“See the above Pick for discription”
FIGHTN TURTLES 24-20

South Carolina State at Clemson
In case you didn’t know…
South Carolina is known for the “Shag”…
There isn’t anything I don’t like about that…
TOMMY’S TIGERS 38-10

Miami (FL) at Texas A&M
I cannot believe I am doing the Texas Two Step on this one…
HURRICANES 23-17

Buffalo at Missouri
Is there a dance called the “Buffalo Beat-Down’?
Well…….There should be
MO’S TIGERS 49-10

Wyoming at Brigham Young
I don’t think Mormons are allowed to dance…
Are they?
Never Mind….I just remembered “Donny and Marie”…
COUGARS 33-14

 
Arizona at UCLA
This is going to be really…really…
UGLY….
BRUINS 17-14

Florida at Tennessee
Speaking of “Ugly”….
Do you know the Number One Pick Up Line in OBKnoxville on Saturday Night?
“Hey….Nice Tooth”
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17

Boise State at Oregon
Call me crazy….
My psychiatrists did….
BRONCOS 31-28

Houston at Colorado State
In case you were wondering…
I can no longer “Dance Out” this weeks picks…
Pulled something in my leg..
After all, who do you think I am …
Deney Terrio?
COUGARS 34-31

Notre Dame at Michigan State
Damn you Adrian Zmed and your high power dancing….
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Virginia Tech at North Carolina
When I was in school I was really good at the “Hokey-Pokey”…
I didn’t even know It was a dance until I was caught by the principal….
Forget I mentioned it…
TAR HEELS 23-17

Rutgers at Navy
Sailors dancing in those white Cracker Jack Uniforms reminds me of that one guy in “The Villiage People”
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 24-17

Marshall at Southern Miss
This game may decide the Conference USA Champion….
It will be close….
REAL close…
GOLDEN EAGLE 23-21

Utah at Air Force
Normally I wouldn’t pick against the Mighty Falcons…
But these Utes are something else…
TWO UTES 31-28

South Florida at Florida International
Why do these people from Florida think they are all “International”?
What makes them so “International”?
Do they eat with their feet?
BULLS 27-14

Rice at Texas
I believe the words in the song…..
“The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You”
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-14

Menlo at Occidental
I am not quite sure why this is in here….
It sounds like a disease and a Health Insurance Company…

Massachusetts at Texas Tech
This will be SOOoooooo close…
NOT…
RED RAIDERS GET THOSE GUNS UP! 38-17

Sam Houston State at Kansas
I always admired Sam Houston…
But he is outgunned in this one…
JAY’S HAWKS 43-10

Wake Forest at Florida State
The Demon Deacons will keep this one closer than you think….
But on the up side…
Coach Bobby is telling everyone he has tickets to the “next” Elvis Concert…
SEMINOLES 28-17

Ball State at Indiana
I have a meeting of the International Sea Monkey Society…
Or I would soooo be watching this one…
HOMERS 31-28

Muskingum College at Otterbein College
This sounds like a game between two lung infections…

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
Will the Commodores be 4 and 0 after this week?
Yes….I believe they will be.
COMMODORES 27-23

New Mexico at Tulsa
I wish I cared…But I am tired from the “magic” of Interpretive Dance…
Plus my ankle hurts…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 33-28

Wofford at South Carolina
I believe if Chewbacca had a College…
It would be Wofford…
OR if Chewbacca had a pesky cough..
It would be Wofford…
I have to stop…
GAMECOCKS 38-10

LSU at Auburn
I could easly pick the winner of this game as the “Tigers”
But that isn’t why you read my column…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 17-15

Georgia at Arizona State
It’s about time people out west learn that all important phrase…
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!
DAWGS 24-17

Texas Christian at Southern Methodist
The Mighty Mustangs will keep this closer than you might think..
For a while….
HORNED FROGS 24-14

Fresno State at Toledo
I have the International Sea Monkey Society Meeting “After Party” or I would watch this one….
I promise…
BULLDOGS 34-17

Juniata at Ursinus
I tried to say these two teams “out loud” really fast and I spit all over myself….

San Jose State at Stanford
My Lord….I can’t believe I am doing this….
CARDINAL 6-3

Iowa State at UNLV
As a Side Note: Always “Warm up” before you start dancing and typing…
CYCLONES 23-21

New Mexico State at UTEP
If the knuckleheads in Aggieland Bring back “Pistol Pete” I will not publish naked pictures of “key” members of the administration with farm animals…

That is my promise to you….
AGGIES 24-20

 
Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

Much like last week, your Weekly College Football Picks will be in two installments with the “early” games being presented during the middle of the week and the Saturday Games coming your way on Friday evening.

You wonder why I was bragging last week with picking a blistering 91% of the games?

Easy….
Because, last week I finished at 37 and 8 or 82%.
But along with the drop in my weekly percentage, I ALSO Picked UCLA over BYU…

And of course…
UCLA Lost by the biggest margin since 1929….
Since 1929?

Yes…”that” 1929.
The same year that Bobby Bowden graduated College….

Anyway..That leaves us at 142 and 24 for the season or a rather impressive 86% (All things considered)

Be sure and check back on Friday…
We have the Florida – Tennessee Game…
Georgia and Arizona State…
Alabama and Arkansas and others…

See you all on Friday….

Enjoy your Picks!

THE GAMES

Wednesday September 17th

Kansas State at Louisville
The Once Mighty Cardinals have already been beaten once this year by some Wildcats…
Make it twice…
WILDCATS 33-17

Thursday September 18th

West Virginia at Colorado
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s right I said it……
BUFFALOS 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: I want to assure my beloved readers that I am not picking the Colorado Buffalos because my sister-in-law will be leading the team onto the field to start the game.

We are however glad she has a “Job”…Even if it’s seasonal.

Friday September 19th

Baylor at Connecticut
UPSET SPECIAL PART II !!!!!!!!!!!!
Before you ask….
NO I am Not DRINKING!
BEARS 23-17

Stay Tuned…More this Friday

RTR
MEB

It appears that I struck a nerve with a large number of Southern California Trojan Fans with my “Sunday Rewind” article yesterday.

Good….

The funny thing is that out of the nearly eighty emails I received; nobody wanted to challenge my facts concerning the Southern California Football Program….

Instead the Trojan fans resorted to name calling….
For example…..

“Why don’t you just let the Reggie Bush thing go #^&%$? He ain’t done nothing wrong Bro!”

From – TrojanChamps2008

“You sound like a typical southern raciest…USC rocks and you can’t stand it!”

From – SoCalGal2010

EDITORS NOTE: What is it about being from the South that makes yankees and liberal weenies think they have the right to call us ugly names?

“Dude you so out of line, &*^% you! Leave brother Reggie and them Trojans alone!”

From – Tro-Jamal12

It seems to me that some Southern California Trojan Football Fans want my undivided attention…..

Congratulations…You got it.

This week, along with the usual College Football Picks..
I will have a “Special” Southern California Trojan Addition…….

Be careful what you wish for….

Now on to this weeks “Monday Morning Quarterback”….

SATURDAY QUOTES

“Anybody can have a bad century….”

- Kansas Coach Mark Mangino when asked why the Jayhawks have only recently become a contender in the Big 12 Conference

STRANGE FACTS KNOWN BY FEW…..

Slightly off the College Football Subject…..
As you all know from time to time, I like to share deep thoughts of knowledge with my beloved readers….
Pearls of wisdom, if you will…
Enjoy….

A man shouldn’t act tough if he has a Richard Simmons Tattoo on his arm….

If you listen to Phil Collins sing “Sussudio” backwards it will encourage you to kill Michael Jackson…

The “K.C” in K.C. and the Sunshine Band Fame doesn’t stand for “Kansas City”….
Who Knew?

It is impossible to MapQuest “Funky Town”….

EDITORS NOTE: I still believe the above to be in Mississippi…

TEAM NEWS

ARIZONA & ARIZONA STATE: I believe you all are all sand and no beach.

EDITORS NOTE: Not quite sure what that is suppose to mean, but it came to me today in a meeting and I thought it sounded profound.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Bad Dogs….

NCAA: Would it be too much to ask as to what the status of the Reggie Bush – Southern California Trojan Investigation is? I mean this thing has been going on for what, three years?

PAC 10 CONFERENCE: See “NCAA” Above…

TEMPLE: My God! I finally pick you idiots and you lose….I don’t normally need any help to be made to look stupid…but thanks.

MARYLAND: It was the threat of the Slim Whitman albums wasn’t it?
No need to thank me…..

SOUTH FLORIDA: When the sun goes down in Raymond James Stadium, I believe the Bulls can beat anybody…..

MICHIGAN: Told you so…..

DUKE: You Beat Navy…and Hell didn’t freeze over….
But it did have one heck of a frost….

GEORGIA: HOW Bout Them DAWGS!

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike I enjoyed your Sunday piece on the National Media’s “Love Fest” with the Southern California Trojan Football team. Not to overlook the 350 Million Dollar Contract the PAC 10 has with ESPN to broadcast football games..Which you exposed! But do you think the national media is influenced by television sponsorship(s) and commercials?
Thanks!
“Doc” – Odessa, Texas
A: Thanks Doc…Before I answer your email: “How Bout them Mojo’s?”
I wouldn’t disagree with your point concerning the “entire” ESPN-ABC network package covering PAC 10 Football games and the football flagship university of that Conference: The U$C Trojans…

Lucky for my beloved readers that I am above such influence…
For example….
As I was preparing for a day of College Football last Saturday…
I fired up my WEBER Charcoal Grill…
That ALWAYS provides a nice even heat for grilling and smoking…

And I realized I needed more KINGSFORD Charcoal…
The KING of all Charcoal….

So, I got in my beautiful FORD TAURUS….
That provided a smooth comfortable ride to the grocery store (that I cannot yet name until a deal has been reached for a limited sponsorship….)

Came back home and opened an ice cold Budweiser, which as we all should know by now…
IS the KING of Beers….

The Perfect Combinations for a Football Saturday….

 
Q: I know this is a crazy question! But do you like The Three Stooges?
Thanks Mike!
Grayson – Beaufort, South Carolina
A: By “The Three Stooges”; do you mean the ABC College Football Commentator Trio of Bob Griese, Brad Nessler and Paul McGuire?
Then “NO”…
But if you are referring to Larry, Moe and Curley…then “YES”

Q: Mike I lost a bet at work, so I have to ask you.
Is there a reason why they always show Brent Musburger from the waist up?
Charlie – Richmond, Virginia
A: Yes there is a good reason Charlie…
College Football is a family program…

So the Network is trying to prevent the audience from noticing that Brent Musburger is in fact…
A Syphilitic Liver spotted Hermaphrodite troll….

Hope that helped…..

Stay Tuned…..More later in the Week.

RTR
MEB

I wanted to take a moment in the wake of the national sports media’s “Love Fest” with the Unive$ity of $outhern California Trojan$ to bring some common sense to the College Football Weekend, that was…

Has the National Sports Media gone mad?
Jim Jones and his family drinking the cool-aide made as much sense as anything I have heard over the last 24 hours concerning the “Greatness” of the Southern California Trojans…
But it didn’t stop there either did it?

“The PAC 10 is the “Toughest” Conference in ALL of College Football”

- Craig James and John Saunders “Hosts” of ABC College Football…

EDITORS NOTE: REALLY?  

Baylor 45
Washington State 17

Maryland 35
California 27

Texas Christian University 31
Stanford 14

Brigham Young 59
UCLA 0

Oklahoma 55
Washington 14

New Mexico 36
Arizona 28

UNLV 23
Arizona State 20

“Mark Sanchez IS the NUMBER One Heisman Candidate, without question!”

- Kirt Herbstreit, ABC College Football Commentator / Analyst

EDITORS NOTE: Really? After playing only TWO Games?

“Folks the Southern California Trojans WILL be in the National Championship Game, the ONLY question that remains, is Who will be their opponent!”

- Brent Musburger, ABC College Football Commentator / Analyst

EDITORS NOTE: Around my house Brent is “Also” known as the syphilitic liver spotted jackass…..
Just in case anyone was wondering….

You want to know something interesting about all this hype?

Do you know what “Wasn’t Mentioned” about the Southern California Trojan$ from the time college football coverage began Saturday Morning at nine O’clock A.M. Central Standard Time until after eleven O’clock P.M. Central Standard time….

Not a word…….
Not a mention by a single College Football Commentator or Analyst about the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California.

Not so much as a whisper…….
About an Investigation that COULD result in Reggie Bush losing his Heisman Trophy and the Southern California Trojans forfeiting one National Championship as well over twenty wins from the “Official” NCAA Record books…
After all….
Some Football Programs have been punished far worse with less evidence…..

Soooo something this important wasn’t worth mentioning?
Really?

And…….

Not a comment from a single commentator…
About the “Illegal” recruitment of Joe McKnight by Coach Pete Carroll and New Orlean Saint Reggie Bush..

Why do I say it was “Illegal”?
Because the NCAA said it was….

After Coach Carroll and Reggie Bush denied they called then High School Senior Joe McKnight, then admitted that they did…Then Reggie Didn’t….Then Coach Carroll..”Might have”….

You get the picture….

The NCAA told the Trojans to “knock it off” but ALLOWED the recruitment of McKnight by Carroll and the Trojans anyway…

The Usual punishment by the NCAA for such an offense?
The NCAA will disallow the recruitment of that particular athlete and possibly a loss of scholarships in the future…
Not so for the University of the Second Coming….

These two “little” examples make you think don’t they?
Especially if you are from….

The University of Kentucky
Auburn University
Mississippi State University
The University of Alabama
Clemson University

Just to name a few…..

So while you are drinking the Trojan Cool-aide this morning…
Just remember…..

If you were in the South…..
You would be on probation by now….
Lost scholarships….
Forfeited wins….
NOT being shown on television…
And don’t even thinking about a Bowl Game…for the next four years.
You would be called Cheaters….and worse.

But after watching the two or three games that have been completed thus far this season, to include the “BIG GAME” on ABC last night… 
I know three things…

1. Ohio State isn’t that bad…
2. Southern California isn’t that good….
3. There is still a lot of football left to be played…

Enjoy Your Sunday…

RTR
MEB

-

You didn’t really think I was going to leave you hanging did you?

I would hope not!
I thought we knew one another better than that.

But before we launch into the final installment of Your Week 3 College Football Picks…..
Have I mentioned that last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 52 and 5 or a rather impressive 91%?

Well, did I mention that in the last two weeks I have been 105 and 16 at a rather respectable 87%?

The only reason I mention it (other than openly bragging of course) is because in the flash of an instant….
A missed extra point….here
One dropped pass….there
A single PAC 10 referee….anywhere
AND…..

That rather impressive 91% (and it is impressive; is it not?)
Stop it! You all embarrassing me!
Is a disappointing 19% and leaving me, wishing I was dyslexic…

Enough about me…
That is unless you want to hear MORE about how I got 91% of the games last week after starting out 0 and 2…
O.K….there I was….

Never mind….we don’t have time for this now.
Let’s get to the games…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football News and Views

HURRICANE IKE: I don’t know what you still have against Tina, but you need to let this go…
And let my people play football…..

WEST POINT: My Lord…The Black Knights of the Hudson lost to New Hampshire…
I didn’t even know the folks in ‘Hampshire (Pronounced: HAM-shhh-iir) had a football team…
It’s just sad…

MARYLAND: While we are on the subject of Breakdowns”…
Last week the Ninja Turtles lost to Alphabet U….
What have the Fightn Turtles been using for motivation, Slim Whitman albums?

ARKANSAS: The Razorbacks came within a buffalo fart of losing last weeks HOME game to the University of Louisiana “Monroe”….
Coach P, you will be G-O-N-E  if you let that happen one too many times…

ESPN: Last week ESPN’s “Newest” studio talking bobblehead doll David Lloyd, which looks more like a blonde headed troll……
Proclaimed….
“The Oregon State Beavers WILL beat Penn State, because Jo Pa and the Nittany Lions are a team in confusion”…….

Three hours later…
Penn State 45
Oregon State 14

Good call dumbass…
Just what we need on ESPN…
More Idiots running their mouths when the network SHOULD be showing us the College Marching Bands at halftime….

ESPN II: It is my belief that if Pam Ward’s voice was broadcast in Iraq and Afghanistan the fighting in those areas would stop….
Why?
Because they would be afraid if they didn’t stop fighting..
We would turn up the volume…

EMAIL Questions And Answers

Q: Mike, why do you ridicule the Oregon Duck Mascot?
Chad – Eugene, Oregon
A: Simple Chad; If Liberace had a Dream….
It would be about the Oregon Duck Mascot…
Clear that one up for you?

Q: Dear Sir; I am OUTRAGED by the email earlier this week from the “teacher” in California!
Everone knows that Abraham Lincoln freed the Aztecs, Eskimos and African Americans immediately after white southerners bombed Pearl Harbor and Davy Crockett and the U.S. 7th Cavalry sank the Titanic…
The Folks in California Need to Get their History straight!
Phillis – Albany, New York
A: I just LOVE modern History….

Q: I know you can’t say nothing, being at Leavenworth and all.
But are you training for some of that Gorilla warfare?
Stanley – Ringgold, Georgia
A: I want to go on the record:
No, I will not be wrestling or otherwise fighting my sister-in-law.
That is what you meant, right?

THE GAMES

Saturday, September 13th

Louisiana Lafayette at Illinois
Ole Lafayette might have been big cheese in the War of 1776…
But these are the Fighting Pumpkins!
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 33-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please no emails this week from “enlightened” educators on how Fighting Pumpkins led by General Lafayette defeated the Klingon’s at the Battle of the Bulge..
Thank you…

Southern Illinois at Northwestern
There are a lot directions in this one….
This game is a Rand McNally Dream…
WILDCATS 28-23

California at Maryland
I cannot believe I am doing this…
BEARS 34-17

Florida Atlantic at Michigan State
I am trying to be more “Culturally Sensitive” so instead of watching this game I am going to watch a program about “Ramadan Andy”…
Kind of like the Muslim version of Santa Claus or Hanukka Harry…
Never Mind…
SPARTANS 38-17

Montana State at Minnesota
Have I not told you that everything in Boseman Sucks?
That goes for the Bobcats too….
O’ SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-23

Navy at Duke
People Can’t you see?
If the Blue Devils win this game…

Then the Terrorist win!
MIDSHIPMEN 24-21

North Carolina State at Clemson
Have no fear my beloved Clemson Family…
The Big Cats are Hungry….
TOMMY’S TIGERS 34-14

Temple at Buffalo
Even I cannot believe that I am actually picking Temple…
HELL HAS FROZEN OVER 23-17

Iowa State at Iowa
Anytime I see “Iowa” something…
I always think of…
My Favorite line from a movie…
“IS this Heaven?”

“Yes, but we like to call it Tuscaloosa…”

EYE of the HAWK 33-23

EDITORS NOTE: The above is NOT to be confused with “Eye of the Tiger”

Nevada at Missouri
Believe me….
MO Knows Football…
MO’s TIGERS 43-10

UAB at Tennessee
Coach Phil finally beats a team from Alabama….
Film at Eleven…
VOWELS 34-10

East Carolina at Tulane
What has the world come to when I am picking Lou “Gobble-Gobble” Holtz’s son…
PIRATES 28-17

Georgia at South Carolina
The Gamecocks can’t keep their players out of trouble…
Or the Bulldogs out of the endzone….
BIG BAD DAWGS 33-14

EDITORS NOTE: We all know that John Saunders from ABC College Sports hates anything associated with the South….
So this one is for his dumbass..
HOW BOUT THEM BAD ASS DAWGS!!!!!!!!

 
UCLA at Brigham Young
I would love to watch this but David Hasselhoff is wrestling an Anteater on “America’s Got Talent”
I have my priorities….
BRUINS 31-28

 
Oregon at Purdue
This game will be known more for the two most disturbing mascots in all of College Football than the actual contest…
And for good reason…
QUACKS 3-2

Penn State at Syracuse
The “Orange” will get Juiced….
Believe it….
JO PA’S LIONS 38-13

Michigan at Notre Dame
Dear God….
Can’t they “Both” Lose?
FIGHTING IRISH 24-21

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
If the Hokies want to beat the 2 and 0 Yellow Jackets they better get that Big Wang on the Field.
HOKIES 23-20

EDITORS NOTE: You are probably asking yourself…”Is he that easily amused over “Wang” Jokes?
The answer is, “yes” I am…

Chattanooga at Florida State
What’s wrong Bobby?
The Fort Myers Shuffleboard League not available?
SEMINOLES 43-0

Hawaii at Oregon State
I think I speak for all of us when I say…
Thank Goodness “Dog The Bounty Hunter” is back on the air…
BEAVERS 33-28

Auburn at Mississippi State
A Good Ole fashioned Fight Between Cats and Dogs…
This one could go either way…..
TOMMY’s TIGERS 21-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Tech
My Once Proud Ponies will be beaten like rented Mules in this one…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 43-17

Western Kentucky at Alabama
Sweet Home Alabama…..
ROLL TIDE ROLL 34-16

MTSU at Kentucky
I was just thinking about him this morning…
I know this isn’t his sport…
But this one is for “Mr. Wildcat”…
WILDCATS 31-17

Juniata at Susquehanna
Sorry, this segment is for my other Blog…
“When Mexican Girls Attack”..
But if I was betting I would take Juniata…
That girl is tough…

Rensselaer at Endicott College
What is wrong with me today?
As you can see, this entry of fungus and warts belong in my medical blog..
“Turn your head and Cough with Dr.Mike”
Sorry….

Samford at Mississippi
I never knew Fred Samford had a college?
There must be alot of money in that ole Junk…
I wonder if Lamont is the President?
Never mind….
REBELS 43-10

New Mexico State at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn will be very happy…
HUSKERS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: I like the Aggies but cannot support the change in mascot to Lasso Larry…
Give Pete back his six guns for Gods Sake!
Before you ask…No I will not give that up…

Rice at Vanderbilt
Will the Commodores start the season at 3 and 0?
They damn sure will….
COMMODORES 31-17

Memphis at Marshall
Everbody knows I like Elvis…
But have you seen “We are Marshall”?
Enough said….
THUNDERING HERD 28-24

Iona at Wagner
I cannot believe that Vacuum Cleaner College has a football team..
They must really suck…
OLE IONA 28-24

Southern Miss at Arkansas State
I Love those folks from H-Burg…
And that is good enough for me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-24

Alabama A&M at Louisiana Monroe
The Bulldogs cannot stand up to the power of the War Hawk…
Trust me…
I am a believer..
WAR HAWKS 38-10

Stanford at Texas Christian
If IKE doesn’t screw this game up…
It will be a dandy for three quarters…
HORNED FROGS 24-17

Alcorn State at Troy
A school named for a nut cannot and should not beat the men of Troy…
MEN of TROY 23-14

Missouri State at Oklahoma State
This game will be like a John Wayne Movie…
Nothing but..
COWBOYS 33-10

Virginia at Connecticut
I wish I cared…But I don’t.
HUSKIES 6-3

Oklahoma at Washington
If you have children…
DO not let them watch this game..
It will be ugly…
BOOMER SOONER 43-10

North Texas at LSU
I have a portion of the personal Diary of the North Texas Head Coach…
“Dear Diary…
Can’t this game be postponed?
I would much prefer to take my butt whipping later…
When the Tigers are tired and maybe looking ahead to an SEC opponent..
Can you help me Diary?”
Noooooo….
Time for your ass whipping….
FIGHTN TIGERS 44-10

Utah at Utah State
I think in this case it is appropriate to quote the two most famous residents of Utah.
In the words of Donny and Marie….
“I am a little bit country….and a little bit Rock and Roll..”

This really didn’t have anything to do with the pick..
I just thought it was funny….
TWO UTES 38-21

Bowling Green at Boise State
This game is going to be uglier than dollar beer night at the Bowling Alley…
BRONCOS 44-14

Arizona at New Mexico
The Best game on television at three o’clock in the morning eastern time…
That is unless you have the full cable package…
WILDCATS 24-21

UNLV at Arizona State
The Devils from the Land of the Sun will dominate…
It’s true…..
SUN DEVILS 37-10

Wisconsin at Fresno State
Behold the mighty power of the Cheese….
To include any and all cheese like snacks…
BADGERS 34-10

Ohio State at Southern California
The Game of the Week…
You might think I am crazy…
But that’s what they said about Ted Bundy and the Wright Brothers…
THE MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-24

Believe it….

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

Due to reasons beyond my control your Weekly College Football Picks will be in two installments this week.

No need to worry by friends….
The remainder of your picks will be out later…

Plus, it just adds to the overall excitement of the weekend, don’t you think?

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the weekend at 52 and 5, which isn’t to bad considering I started 0 and 2.

For anyone just joining us: 52 and 5 is an eye opening 91% and for the two weeks of the College Football Season we are 105 and 16 or a “Not too Bad” 87%.

I could talk about “Me” and last Week’s 91% all day long…
But we have a few games to talk about today…

Enjoy your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday September 11th

North Carolina at Rutgers
The Only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if the Soprano’s are involved in the Pre-Game warmups…
Forget About it…
TAR HEELS 23-17

Friday September 12th

Carson Newman at Bentley
Do those people in Massachusetts really think they are better than us because they named their college after an over-priced car?
Well, they aren’t.
And just for the record…
THEY Better not EVER play the Chevy Vega College in Georgia…
They will most certainly get their smart ass kicked…
Sorry…I digress
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Kansas at South Florida
This game is a tough one….
On one hand I believe South Florida is going to sneak by the Hawks of Jay by say…24-22.
But Coach Mark Mangino IS the third largest Mammal I have ever seen walking upright…
Behind Wynonna Judd and Phat Phil Fulmer…
HAWKS that JAY 31-24

More later…Stay Tuned.

RTR
MEB

If you are just joining us…..
This is the segment were we review the games from the past week and look at College Football team news and answer some of your Email Questions.

In other words, what did we learn from the games last weekend?

Let me tell you what I learned last week….
On a personal note: Since I am neither Joe Namath or Justin Wilson, I should have known better that to EVER guarantee ( Pronounced: Gar-on-Tee) anything, much less a Football Game.

So, for the Beautiful Miss Susan, who I guaranteed (Pronounced: Gar-on-Teed) that the South Carolina Gamecocks would beat the Vanderbilt Commodores….I am truly sorry.

Also I learned this weekend that the old Television Program “T.J. Hooker” is a police drama; not a story about prostitution.
Who Knew?

Well now that I have finished my evening meal of Crow….

Let’s take a look at this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback…

SATURDAY QUOTES

” I will say it now: The Georgia Bulldogs WILL be upset by Central Michigan today!”

- ABC College Football Studio “Host” John Saunders picking Central Michigan over Georgia before the Bulldogs defeated the Eagles 56 to 17.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s nice to know John is as good at picking games as he is at being “unbiased” towards the South….I almost forgot!
Hey John! HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

“Let’s face it, were playing a football team..But we’ve still got to feed them baby food. They’re not ready for steak yet.”

-Coach Bobby Bowden of Florida State describing how the Seminoles “need” to play one or two more “tune-ups” before they get into the “regular” season.

EDITORS NOTE: A MAJOR Division I Football Coach that gets paid MILLIONS of DOLLARS to COACH in the Atlantic Coast Conference and he wants MORE CUPCAKES on the schedule?
Now I see how he got “all” those wins….
Hey Coach Maybe Ole Gordon Junior College is still available!

WEEKLY FOOTBALL FACT

Did you know that the Vanderbilt Commodores have a better record than the following teams?

Michigan
Miami (Both Ohio and Florida)
Washington
Washington State
Mississippi
Texas A&M
Southern California
Notre Dame
Southern Miss
Michigan State
South Carolina
Mississippi State
Florida State
Tennessee
Louisville
Oregon State
Clemson
Virginia Tech
Virginia
West Virginia

Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

TEAM NEWS

NCAA: Yeah, “GREAT” move on the celebration penalties!
If you are SO Concerned about “Bad Sportsmanship” and Celebrations, then why don’t you have the SAME rules for College Basketball?

EDITORS NOTE: Why don’t you damn people look at something IMPORTANT?
Like the Reggie Bush, Southern California Trojan Investigation!
Shouldn’t SOMEBODY be on PROBATION by NOW?

WASHINGTON: I bet you all feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”.

FLORIDA: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

OHIO STATE: No need for panic…
The Mighty Buckeyes WILL be ready this week.

WEST POINT: Do you know why terrorist think they can kick our ass?
Because they watch you knuckleheads play football!

WEST VIRGINIA: There is some good news here…
There wasn’t a single fire reported in Morgantown on Saturday night…

EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on when Moutaineer Quarterback Pat White will question the East Carolina Pirates football program for the lack of participation by Pacific-Islanders, Scots-Irish, or Italian Americans.
Keep Hope Alive Pat…

EAST CAROLINA: The Pirates are either Giant Killers or Devil Worshipers…
You all don’t own any Old KISS Albums, do you?
Just wondering….

NAVY: Bad enough you have a Goat for a mascot, but can’t you find a quarterback with a last name that will fit on the back of a football jersey?
Have you all seen the current Navy Quarterback’s Name?
Q’UALLITERRIN-IMATINAREG-TTIMAOOPER-YEPPYZITTER-IEACCNOTTERRT

EDITORS NOTE: I think he is either Hawaiian or Polish…..

TEMPLE: The Owls were a field goal away from TWO wins in a row!
And you know what that means?
I am moving into that abandoned Missile Silo and wait out Armageddon..

ESPN: Is it too much to ask to see the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
Another halftime with Mark “Milk Dud Head” May and Coach Lou and my head will explode..

ESPN II: I would rather listen to Sea Lions breaking wind underwater for three hours than listen to Pam Ward “announce” another football game…ever.

HURRICANE IKE: I don’t know which “Tina” out there is making IKE mad, but you need to stop it!

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, what is with naming the Iowa football team the “Hawkeyes”?
Is naming a football team after an animal body part something new?
Jerry – Jefferson City, Missouri
A: This is nothing new Jerry.
For example, Tennessee decided to go with “Volunteers” because they felt “Possum Rectums” was to hard for the fans to spell…….
Also, the University didn’t want the fans producing “Cook Books” on how to prepare their mascot….
Which would be in bad taste…
No Pun Intended.

Q: I am really worried about the Buckeyes Offensive Line, do you have any ideas on how to shore up the line before this weeks game with the Trojans?
Thanks!
Tommy – Columbus, Ohio
A: I would suggest recruiting Wynonna Judd; she still has a couple of years of eligibility and she is bigger than a damn Oldsmobile…

Q: You are always talking about how great everything is in the South!!!!
Have you ever seen the Southern California Trojan Cheerleaders?
There isn’t anything to compare to them!
J.J. – Culver City, California
A: Yeah J.J….I remember when I hit puberty….
However….I KNOW for a FACT that the Goilden Girls from LSU and the Alabama Crimson Tide Cheerleaders have always had the power to cure the sick and raise the dead….
Enough said….

Q: Mike, as a High School Teacher in Southern California, I can tell you that your characterization of the Aztec’s last weekend was inaccurate and insulting.
The Aztec’s “may” have resorted to human sacrifice, but only after being driven to that despicable act by American Males who killed their Penguins, started the Vietnam War and began the terrible tradition of leaving toilet seats up all around the world.
Ms Davis – Marshall – Johnson – Diaz – Los Angeles, California
A: I think you forgot to mention how we enslaved the Panda’s, melted the Polar Ice caps and killed all the unicorns….

I understand Hootie Snitch, the Self Proclaimed “Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!” will have an update for you this week to address the recent Tennessee Loss and other news…

Your Week 3 College Football Picks will be out later in the week….

RTR
MEB

Not a bad first week for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.
Some of my loyal readers have called it a “nearly perfect” weekend for me.
Close…..

Tennessee Lost and Alabama Won; the only thing that would have made it better would have been a Loss by the U$C Trojans and a win by the Clemson Tigers.
That being said, I finished the week at 53 and 11 or 83%.
Not a bad first week if I say so myself.

There is a lot to talk about and Your Weekly College Football Picks are Out!
So Let’s get to it.

Enjoy Your Picks!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

HURRICANES: I am thankful that Gustav didn’t hurt my friends and family along the Gulf Coast and I don’t believe Hanna will do much more than bring some much needed rain to my Family in Carolina.
But if your name is “Tina” and you live in the path of Hurricane Ike….Run Like Hell!

TEXAS A&M: Any of you Aggies want R. C. Slocum’s phone number?
I have it right here, if you need it….

TENNESSEE: Those were some really “nice” Orange Sherbert pants you all were wearing for the game in California…Seriously, they didn’t look Gay at All…totally Heterosexual looking; really.

CLEMSON: Stop reading your press clippings on how “Great” you all are and start playing some damn football.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: See “Clemson” Above…. 

OREGON STATE: A Beaver is NOT Suppose to LOSE to a team with a Tree for a mascot..
It’s against the laws of nature!

HAWAII: Despite being blown out by two Southeastern Conference Teams in a row, there is some good news! Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on the A&E Channel every Wednesday Night.

VIRGINIA TECH: As I stated earlier in the week; I believe Hokie Tight End Ed Wang at 6-6 275 pounds to be the largest Wang ever seen in a Hokie uniform.
And before you start emailing me….
I know…
Television adds weight to person…
But that is still a big Wang…

KENTUCKY: You beat Louisville with a quarterback that wasn’t even a quarterback until last week.
Sorry I doubted you BIG BLUE…I won’t make that mistake again.

ESPN: Did anybody see one time Florida Quarterback and current ESPN “commentator” Jesse Palmer last Thursday Night?
Nice “Clip-on” tie…..real classy.

ESPN II: Plenty of “Love” for the Southern California Trojans in all the pre-game chit-chat, but no mention of the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Trojans….I wonder why?
Scared?

ESPN III: The “Sports Network” reported on Saturday that Jo Pa had tied Bobby Bowden with 373 wins after the Lions win over Coastal Carolina.
WRONG…..
Jo Pa has ALWAYS been at Penn State…
Through EVERY win and the occassional loss….

On the other Hand, Bobby Bowden coached “against” Gordon Junior College in the Golden Isle Bowl…
You see Bobby hasn’t ALWAYS Coached a Division I College Football Team…
But, it hasn’t stopped him from counting those wins in his total.

Jo Pa is the winningest Coach in Division I College Football – Period.
Glad I cleared that up for everybody.

THE GAMES

Thursday September 4th

North Alabama at Carson Newman
This game is between two giants of College Football…
Normally I would go with the Lions in this contest..
But I have a feeling…
SPARKS EAGLES 28-24

Nicholls State at New Mexico State
This game may be delayed due to Hurricane Gustav..
Doesn’t Matter…
AGGIES 33-13

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
Susan….You can take this one to the bank.
GAMECOCKS 27-14

Friday September 5th

Navy at Ball State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
CARDINALS 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: Did I mentioned that David Letterman went to school at Ball State?

Saturday September 6th

Ohio at Ohio State
Sorry Coach Frank….this going to be really ugly.  
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Marshall at Wisconsin
The Thundering Herd will keep this one close…for a while.
THE POWER OF CHEESE 38-23

Eastern Illinois at Illinois
I miss the Illinois mascot Chief Illiniwek…
Because if someone with a lisp says it, they spit on themselves.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 44-17

Georgia Tech at Boston College
I would pull for the Yellow Jackets in this one….
But I just can’t…It’s against my religion.
EAGLES 28-24

Eastern Michigan at Michigan State
Nothing but Green and White in this one…
SPARTANS 34-14

Miami (Ohio) at Michigan
Enjoy this game Wolverine Fans…
You won’t enjoy another win for several weeks…
WOLVERINES 31-17

Connecticut at Temple
If Temple wins this game it’s another sign of the coming Apocalypse…
The First Sign?
The “New Kids on the Block” Reunion…
They are the Anti-Christ…
HUSKIES 33-24 

Florida International at Iowa
What’s so “International” about this University?
It kind of sounds like “Phoenix Online” with a marching band.
HAWKEYES 34-21

Southern Miss at Auburn
The Golden Eagles in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear…
WAR EAGLES 23-17

San Jose State at Nebraska
I don’t know much of anything..
But I do know that Jose is going to get a Nebraska Ass Whopping…
HUSKERS 43-20

Furman at Virginia Tech
Furry Man?
Sounds like where Chewbacca went to school…
Or My Sister-in-Law…
HOKIES 27-17

Brigham Young at Washington
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
The Cougars will take down the once mighty Huskies….
Believe it…
COUGARS 31-24

Central Michigan at Georgia
How BOUT them BIG Bad DAWGS!!!!!
UGA VII 34-14 

Cincinnati at Oklahoma
If the Boomer Sooner runs around the stadium after every touchdown…
They are going to need some more ponies…
MIGHTY SOONERS 48-17

The Citadel at Clemson
The Tigers are Mad as Hell….
and that is really bad news for the Bulldogs…
TOMMY’S TIGERS 38-10

Utah State at Oregon
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game…
QUACKS 3-2

Oregon State at Penn State
The Beavers will not be very Happy in Happy Valley….
There are few things as sad as an unhappy beaver…it’s true.
JO PA’S LIONS 33-28

Mississippi at Wake Forest
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt; this week I don’t.
DEMON DEACONS 27-24

Sacramento State at Colorado State
Gosh I wish I cared, I really do.
But I don’t….
RAMS 34-13

Eastern Washington at Colorado
Great NEWS!
My Sister-In-Law will be running out onto the Field as Ralphie the Colorado mascot!!
Do you know what that means?
She has worked two weeks in a row!
BUFFALOS 38-10

San Diego State at Notre Dame
Did you know that ancient Aztec indians used to sacrifice human beings to satisfy the Gods and ensure good luck?
You know what is strange about that?
Because that’s exactly what the Notre Dame Administration is going to do to Coach Charlie if he doesn’t win this game…
FIGHTING IRISH 33-13

Tennessee Tech at Louisville
If the Cardinals lose this game their Coaches will have to go into the Witness Protection Program..
CARDINALS 43-17

Richmond at Virginia
I wish I could pull for Richmond in this one….
But I know the capitol fell to the yankees and the arabs quite a few years ago..
CAVALIERS 31-28

West Virginia at East Carolina
A “New Kids on the Block” Reunion and Temple wins…
All we need now is Skip Holtz to win two weeks in a row and it’s Armageddon.
MOUNTAINEERS 31-17

Texas A&M at New Mexico
Seriously, I really do have R. C. Slocum’s phone number if any Aggies want it…
GIG EM AGGIES 23-21

Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Monkeys are cleaning themselves on the Animal Planet or I would watch this one, really…
PANTHERS 7-6

Western Carolina at Florida State
Nothing says Football Time In Tallahassee, like seeing Coach Bobby in his colored wielding goggles and Viet Cong Hat on the sidelines….
Ahhhh Good Times…..
SEMINOLES 33-10

Norfolk State at Kentucky
I will not doubt the Awesome Power of BLUE Again…
WILDCATS 38-10

William and Mary at North Carolina State
Bill and Mary must be liquored up to schedule this game…
WOLFPACK 27-17

California at Washington State
I would watch this game but, this is the time I have set aside to rearrange my sock drawer.
BEARS 6-3

Southeast Missouri State at Missouri
MO Knows football….
I am just not sure that the Rand McNally MO knows…
MO’S TIGERS 48-10

Louisiana Tech at Kansas
The Bulldogs will keep it close for two quarters….
JAYHAWKS 33-24

South Florida at Central Florida
The Golden Knights are going down…
And that’s No Bull…
BULLS 27-17 

Tulane at Alabama
Even Green Waves will not stop the High Tide….
CRIMSON TIDE 34-14

Kent State at Iowa State
Many of you may not know, but I am on a number of anti-war protestors websites and blogs because of what I have said about Kent State being “The Home of Anti-War Protestors and National Guard Bullet Traps…”
I am so proud of the fact that they hate me…
CYCLONES 31-17

Murray State at Indiana
I wish the Hoosiers would rename their team the “Homers”…
If you saw someone in an Indiana sweatshirt you could ask them if they were Homer-Sexual…
I would never get tired of that…
HOMERS 27-10

Northwestern at Duke
I have a philosophical question for you all….
What if they had a football game and nobody came?
Which just basically described every season of Duke Football for the last twenty years…
WILDCATS 3-2

Northwestern State at Baylor
I always try to pick one game a year that I know (Or hope) Baylor will win…
This is that game…
BEARS 24-10

Tulsa at North Texas
I really don’t want to know what is “So Golden” about their Hurricanes…
It just sounds sooo nasty.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Southeastern Louisiana at Mississippi State
Lions from Hammond get treed by angry Bulldogs; Film at Eleven….
CROOM’S BULLDOGS 31-13

Maryland at Middle Tennessee
Are you going to question the power of the Ninja Turtles?
Shame on you….
FIGHTN TURTLES 24-17

Arkansas at Louisiana Monroe
Monroe is on the tail end of his “Southeastern Conference Beat My Ass and Pay Me” Tour…
RAZORBACKS 28-13

Stephen F. Austin at Texas Christian
A University named after a Hero of Texas…
The Other is Home to Bob Lilly and the Mighty Horned Frogs…
This is a tough call….
HORNED FROGS 24-10 

Houston at Oklahoma State
Cats can’t take the Cowboys in Stillwater…
It’s a rule…
COWBOY UP! 31-23

Montana State at Kansas State
My buddy says everything from Bozeman Sucks…including the damn Bobcats.
I love those Grizzly Fans..
WILDCATS 43-10

Minnesota at Bowling Green
Damn those Golden Gophers…with their Golden Fleece Butt Fur…
I forgot were I was going with this one..
Sorry…
O SOOOO GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-23

Miami (FL) at Florida
The Folks in Miami have Hurricanes…
But the Folks in Gainesville have Superman…
MIGHTY GATORS 24-14

Troy at LSU
I always liked Troy…
But he is in for a Cajun Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10
EDITORS NOTE: Due to Hurricane Damage this game is postponed until November..Then Troy gets his ass whipped.

Rice at Memphis
Which is it going to be?
The King of Rock and Roll…
Or My Favorite Pudding?
Bill Cosby it is….
RICE PUDDING 31-27

Texas State at Southern Methodist
Saturday Night…
In Big D…
Owenby Field…

EDITORS NOTE: I KNOW it’s Ford this and that NOW…But it’s still Owenby Field to ME!

MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17

Texas Tech at Nevada
Get Those Guns UP! 
RED RAIDERS 43-24 

Stanford at Arizona State
If “Tree” wins this game…then the Terrorists win.
Think about it…
SUN DEVILS 24-20

Toledo at Arizona
There is a T.J. Hooker Marathon on Tv Land or I would watch this one..
WILDCATS 6-3

Texas at UTEP
The Mighty Longhorns will dispatch with Alphabet Soup U….
Before you can sing, “The Eyes of Texas are Upon You..”
LONGHORNS 38-17

Weber State at Hawaii
I didn’t know the Company that makes those BBQ Grills had it’s own college?
WARRIORS BALLROOM DANCING ON RAINBOWS 43-0

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB

Despite the fact we still have a game or two this evening, it’s time to take a look back at the memorable and the “not-so”-memorable events and games of the first weekend of College Football.
But before we get into college football….

I hope my friends and family along the Gulf Coast have stayed hunkered down during Hurricane Gustav and that they and all their pets are doing well.
You all know who you are so don’t think I am going to take up valuable space here with names..
Love you all – Stay Safe.

SATURDAY QUOTES

“This is the FIRST Real pressure situation for Mark Sanchez as a Trojan”
- ESPN Commentator Mark “Milk Dud Head” May on $outhern Cal Trojan Quarterback Mark Sanchez’s start against Virginia.

EDITORS NOTE: Really? Even “more” pressure than when he was arrested for “Rape” a couple of years ago? More pressure than that?  Wow…..
You all do remember that right?
By the way..Who paid for the 250K Bail?
Just wondering…..

“We have worked too hard this year not to be successful.”
- ESPN Sideline ”Reporter” Jeannie Edwards quoting Coach Rich Rod of Michigan on “Why the Wolverines will defeat Utah.”

EDITORS NOTE: Yeah Coach…NOBODY else worked hard this off-season but you.
Except maybe Utah…..Dumbass.

“Gobble…Gobble….Gobble..(Spit) Gobble!!! Gobble!! SQUAWK! SQUAWK!!!!! (Spit)”
- Coach Lou Holtz on ESPN’s painful halftime segment entitled “Ask Dr. Lou”

EDITORS NOTE: For the Love of God….someone stop Lou Holtz from trying to speak.

TEAM NEWS

WEST POINT: You all got the living hell beat out of you by Temple….as in TEMPLE.
I really don’t know what else to say…

PITTSBURGH: See above and substitute “Bowling Green” for “Temple”….Idiots.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Hokies lost to a Skip Holtz Coached team.
The Only thing worse than that? See West Point Above…

HAWAII: That whole “We are Better than the Southeastern Conference” trash talk seems kind of funny now after playing two teams in the Conference and getting beat 143 to 13, doesn’t it?
I thought so….

DUKE: This past Saturday a ten person sky diving team intended for the University of North Carolina’s pre-game activities ”missed” and landed in Blue Devil stadium while the teams were warming up.
No one was hurt and due in large part to the unintended landing, the Blue Devils claimed ten more people in attendance than last years opening home game.

EDITORS NOTE: If you guessed that the Duke Blue Devils had over twenty people in attendance for their first home game, you would be correct. Which is just sad.

SOUTHERN METHODIST: Friday Night my Mighty Mustangs were playing more like Shetland Ponies at the Carnival….

GEORGIA: This past Saturday in pregame festivities the University of Georgia welcomed UGA VII as the new Bulldog Mascot. UGA VII is the son of UGA VI and although not as handsome as his daddy, I am betting he will be a damn good Dawg.

VIRGINIA TECH: (Part II) One bright spot on the Virginia Tech Hokie loss this past Saturday was some outstanding play by a freshman Tight End.
Freshman Ed Wang is 6-6 and 275 pounds and appears to have a bright future in Blacksburg.
They say that he is the Biggest Wang in his family.
What?
What did I say?

EDITORS NOTE: There is a lesson to be learned here folks -
“Just because you have a big Wang doesn’t mean you always get to win.”

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: I cannot believe that we lost to a team called the Utes!
Can it get any worse for the Wolverines? Really?
Thomas – Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: You mean other than getting beat by a bunch of Donny and Marie Fans?
I think the worse part for me was watching Coach Rod’s “Hooker Look-a-Like” Wife on the ”Stripper Pole” at Mid-Field while the Wolverine Band played “Hey Big Spender”.
Welcome to the “New” Maze and Blue Halftime Show…..

Q: I read last week that you are in Leavenworth! I don’t even care what you done, I think that is awesome! Hey Man, Is there anyway you could get me Michael Vicks autograph?
Thanks Man!
Jimbo – Carthage, Tennessee
A: You were called “Special” in school? Right, Jimbo?

Q: Greetings! My name is Dusty and I am part of what I believe is the first and only Conch Shell Barbershop quartet in America! We are called Conchelicious!
We perform such favorites as “How Dry I am” and “Workin on the Railroad,” But instead of singing those classics….the four of us play the notes on Conch Shells!
People Love it!
Last week we performed at the Beautiful Life Assisted Living Center and they went nuts!
There may have been a bra thrown our way, we’re not really sure what it was, but it had lace on it.
Anyway, my question is this…
Do you think there is ANYWAY that Conchelicious could play the National Anthem at a Georgia Tech Home game this year?
Just give it to us straight…
Dusty and the Boys – Atlanta, Georgia
A: I think you boys would be perfect for Georgia Tech….
Go for it.

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can help me with.
I recently bought this lawnmower that says it’s “Worry Free”.
Yet I STILL worry ALL the time, about all kinds of things, like whether sippy cups are really safe, the GNP of Liechtenstein and the number 81.
My question is this, should I take the lawnmower back? I am STILL worrying!
Does this mean the lawnmower is defective?
Thanks!
Chip – La Jolla, California
A: I am not saying that “I wish the BIG Earthquake would hit southern California”…..ALL I am saying is……….

Your College Football Picks for Week 2 will be out later in the Week…
Have a Great Week…

RTR
MEB

Now that you have your College Football Picks for Week 1 and a little Sunday Morning Motivation, let’s take a look at some news from around the college football landscape before we kickoff this week.

More Updates to follow as we get closer to kickoff.

Enjoy your week!

TEAM NEWS & NOTES

NCAA: So, are we suppose to believe that your investigators still can’t find the house where Reggie Bush’s momma and step-daddy lived? How long has it taken them? Four years?

Let’s be honest, if U$C was in the SEC they would have already gotten the Death Penalty.

EDITORS NOTE: That kind of rhymed, didn’t it?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on some kind of probation by now?
Just wondering….

Oh yeah, How’s that whole pink thong, jock itch thing working out for you?

ATLANTA JOURNAL (AJC): This past week in the Atlanta Constitution Journal (AJC) a gibbering idiot posing as a “sportswriter” ranked the “Most Obnoxious Fans in the Southeastern Conference”.

He ranked Tennessee fans, at the bottom of the list, because as he stated; “I went to school there and I think they are awesome.”

Where do you think the term “OBKnoxville came from jackass?”

In the Holy Name of Lewis Grizzard what has happened to that once fine paper?

LOU HOLTZ: Since I last broke the news that Lou Holtz would be playing the role of “Granny Clampett” in the upcoming Beverly Hillbillies movie; I want to assure you all that there is no truth to the rumor that the theme or portions of the classic theme from the Beverly Hillbillies will be changed to, “up from the ground came a gobbling Lou…”

NEW MEXICO: This past week the NCAA placed the Lobo football program on three years probation and cut five scholarships for academic violations involving two former assistant coaches.

EDITORS NOTE: SOoooo if the NCAA can police little ole New Mexico, where is the BIG Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California?
Just in case any of you were wondering: No, I will not let this go.

AUBURN: (AP News) The Auburn University campus was evacuated just before noon last Friday, when the university president learned that Russia had invaded Georgia.
According to a university spokesperson, the president ordered the evacuation because he was concerned “that Auburn could be next.”
Updates to Follow….

GEORGIA TECH: On a Postive Note, the Russian invasion into Georgia has had a postive impact in the quality of cheerleaders at Georgia Tech.
They no longer look like a breed of genetically enhanced swine.
The Cheerleaders are now more Yak-like in appearance.

EMAIL QUESTONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, I have a question for you. Why isn’t Florida State playing this weekend? I have asked several of my fellow Seminole Fans and they don’t have an answer either, do you know?
Thanks!
Ken – Destin, Florida
A: The Seminoles were forced to “re-arrange” their schedule a month ago when Coach Bobby hid under his bed and said he wouldn’t come out until the “Cuban Missile Crisis” was over…

Q: Mike, I gather from the fact you are still able to write your column that you haven’t left on your “Big Trip” yet. So, where are you now?
Dave – Little Rock, Arkansas
A: I am sorry to say my High School Annual was right; When I was voted….
“Most Likely to end up at Leavenworth”…

Q: My question doesn’t involve football but I need some help.
My husband and I just moved to the Florida Gulf Coast from New Jersey (He loves your column by the way) and I would like to know in the event of a tropical storm or hurricane, when should we evacuate?
Marsha – Tampa, Florida
A: There is one thing to remember Marsha: If you see Jim Cantore it’s TOO Late.
Because as we all know, he is the Angel of Death.

Q: Help! My son is showing signs of anti-social behavior and is beginning to exhibit signs that he is becoming a Tennessee Fan! I don’t know what to do! Can you please help?
Steve – Baton Rouge, Louisiana
A: I have compiled a list of a few books that I hope will help with your situation.
“Understanding Mental Retardation” by Patricia Ainsworth
“Primer for Parents of Slow Children” by Jackie Wright
“Forced Exit: The Slippery Slope from Assisted Suicide to Legalized Murder” by Wesley J. Smith

Q: YOU are always bashing the Trojans of Southern Cal and frankly I am sick of it!
Who do you think you are? Really? Just WHO do you think you ARE?
Chad- Costa Mesa, California
A: Some people call me the Space Cowboy
Some call me the gangster of love…
Some people call me Maurice….
Cause I speak of the pompitious of love..

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank Steve Miller for the above answer.

RTR
MEB

In College Football there are many traditions associated with various teams.

But there are few things more motivating than the entrance of the Home Team Coming onto the Field in front of a capacity crowd.

At Clemson, the Tigers touch “Howards Rock” and run down the ramp onto the Field….It will make your Goose Bumps get Goose Bumps…

At THE Ohio State University, there is the Dotting of the “I” in Ohio by the Best Damn Band in the Land…I still get tears in my eyes seeing Woody out there….

In Norman Oklahoma the “Boomer Sooner” dashes onto the Field at 100 miles an hour…

At Florida State the staff and trainers beg Coach Bobby to come out to the field after convincing him that the “Indian on the Horse” isn’t there to scalp him.

There are many such traditions….

But this Sunday Morning…
I have for you a night game in Blacksburg Virginia…
Home to the Hokies….
Enter the Sandman……

Enjoy…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

 The rest of your College Football Update will be this afternoon….

Four More days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

It’s time for the kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season and your favorite College Football Prognosticator has the answers to the questions you so desperately seek.

Will the Duke Blue Devils have more than a dozen fans at home football games this season?
ANSWER: No, they will not.

Is the theme from “Deliverance” the “official” Fight Song of the University of Tennessee?
ANSWER: Yes…..complete with a shoeless boy and his banjo.

Does Notre Dame have an “outside” shot at the National Championship this year?
ANSWER: They have the same chance of winning the National Championship as the boys from Menudo do of having a reunion tour.

Will some fans be in need of a liver transplant by the end of the season?
ANSWER: Yes, I just hope this year it’s not me….(again)

So, have no fear my friends.
I am here to guide you through the many cheers and tears of the 2008 College Football Season.

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday, August 28th

Northeastern at Ball State
Hey! David Letterman went to Ball State!
In case you were wondering…
That is still no reason to care about this game.
CARDINALS 33-14

Eastern Illinois at Central Michigan
I don’t care what anybody says, I still think “Chippewas” sounds like a fungal infection.
CHIPPEWAS 28-17

Indiana State at Eastern Michigan
Why did Indiana State name their team the “Sycamores”?
Is THAT particular tree suppose to frighten you more than another species of hardwood?
Never Mind…
EAGLES 38-10

Hofstra at Connecticut
I will never understand why a group of yankees decided to name their college after a butt rash.
HUSKIES 43-10

Southwest Missouri Baptist at Southeast Missouri State
My Ole Buddy E.J. Junior Coaches at Southwest and that’s good enough for me.
BEARCATS 33-28

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
I would watch this game but Midgets are Jousting on Pay-Per-View.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-13

Vanderbilt at Miami (Ohio)
Have you ever seen a Palm tree or Orange tree in Ohio?
They are such poseurs….
COMMODORES 24-17

Carson Newman at Concord
Concord as in the grape?
If the Eagles were playing “Boones Farm” I might feel different.
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Eastern Kentucky at Cincinnati
The Colonels will be reduced to Private First Class by the Third Quarter…
BEARKATS 34-13 

Charleston Southern at Miami
Why Charleston Southern you may ask?
Because the Clown College was already scheduled to play Florida State.
HURRICANES 41-6 

Wake Forest at Baylor
There is no truth to the rumor that Jimmy Swaggart will be the Demon Deacon mascot at home games this year. But it hasn’t stopped me from spreading it.
DEMON DEACONS 24-10

South Dakota State at Iowa State
The History of Waffles are on the Food Channel or I would watch this one.
CYCLONES 34-10

Oregon State at Stanford
I will not stoop to making off-color Beaver jokes this early in the season.
When there is always next week…
BEAVERS 24-16

North Carolina State at South Carolina
The Wolfpack have a new coach and a new look on offense…..
GAMECOCKS 27-23

Friday, August 29th

Temple at Army
This game will be like watching old people eat a cheap steak…
At first its funny and then it’s just sad…
BLACK KNIGHTS 3-2

Southern Methodist at Rice
My Once Proud Ponies are for real this year….Believe it.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Saturday, August 30th

Youngstown State at Ohio State
If you think what the folks in Canada do to baby seals is bad…
Then you don’t want to see what the Buckeyes have in store for a bunch of Penguins.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Akron at Wisconsin
What’s with naming a team “The Zips”?
Is that short for Zippers?
What does the announcer say? The Zippers are down in the first quarter…
That is just disgusting…
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 33-13

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
Doesn’t Lou Holtz’s son Coach at East Carolina?
That’s good enough for me…
HOKIES 89-0 

Coastal Carolina at Penn State
Interesting Fact: “Chanticleer” is Latin for, “A prostitute for a university or college athletic department. Willing to get the living hell beat out of you for a payday or paycheck for the university general fund.”
Coincidence? I think not…
JO PA’S LIONS 44-3

Bowling Green at Pittsburgh
I would LOVE to watch this game but the Muppets are re-enacting the Battle of New Orleans on PBS.
PANTHERS 27-17

Syracuse at Northwestern
I don’t care and neither should you.
WILDCATS 3-2

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, nobody cares.

Western Kentucky at Indiana
If this was a basketball game it might actually be worth watching.
It isn’t…….so don’t.
HOOSIERS 24-13

Maine at Iowa
Why? My point exactly…
HAWKEYES 34-10

Georgia Southern at Georgia
I have only four simple words to say about this game…
How Bout Them Dawgs!!!!!
BIG DAWGS 31-14

Hawaii at Florida
I think the Hawaii mascot looks like Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka….
On Meth…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Southern California at Virginia
IF only this game was last year…..It would have been different.
TROJAN$ 43-21

EDITORS NOTE: What ever happened to the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California? Just wondering….

Villianova at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-6

Utah at Michigan
Wolverine fans, I have some good news and some bad news.
The Bad news is that the Utah football team is better than you think..
The Other Bad news is that Coach Rod’s wife is going to “perform” at halftime…
Sorry, I really don’t have any good news…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Oklahoma State at Washington State
I like Coach Gundy. He can damn sure Cowboy up!
COWBOYS 24-20 

Towson at Navy
I have so many questions about this game…
What the hell is a “Towson”?
Why does Navy have a goat as a mascot?
Will William Shatner release an album of Donna Summer songs this year?
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Delaware at Maryland
What is the deal with calling your team the “Fighting Blue Hens”?
It didn’t scare Col. Sanders and it won’t scare the Ninja Turtles…
FIGHTING TERPS 28-23

Tulsa at UAB
I also don’t understand why the folks at University of Alabama – Birmingham named their team the “Blazers” and have a Dragon for a mascot. I have NEVER seen a Dragon in Birmingham Alabama: EVER.
But I did have this blind date once there….Never mind.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Illinois State at Marshall
No Redbird can stand up to a Thundering Herd…
It’s a rule…
THUNDERING HERD 27-10

Appalachian State at LSU
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Sorry, that was last years ASU headline pick…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

McNeese State at North Carolina
I knew a McNeese once…
Jeremy McNeese used to dress up in his grandmothers clothes and light things on fire.
I think he gets out on parole in 2015…never mind.
TAR HEELS 34-14

Texas Christian at New Mexico
Life teaches us many odd lessons…
Like for example, I know a lot of TCU alumni.
Everyone of them is good as gold and a hell of a lot of fun.
I have met two New Mexico graduates recently and both of them are horses asses.   
Enough said…
HORNED FROGS 31-24

Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech
Coach Croom’s Bulldogs are the only REAL Dogs in this fight.
CROOMS DOGS 27-17

Chattanooga at Oklahoma
By the time the folks from Chattanooga hear, “Oooo Say can you see….”
They will down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 54-10

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn
What the hell is Monroe thinking?
WAR EAGLES 38-13

Florida Atlantic at Texas
By the time this one is over Florida will wish they were in the Pacific…
LONGHORNS 34-10

Eastern Washington at Texas Tech
There are few things as enjoyable as a Saturday afternoon in Lubbock…
Have I mentioned that it’s the home of Buddy Holly?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-17

Florida International at Kansas
I think the folks from “International” come to Kansas so they can flaunt their sophistication…
JAYHAWKS 33-17

Western Illinois at Arkansas
This is going to be uglier than Prom Night at the School for the Blind.
RAZORBACKS 54-3

Northern Illinois at Minnesota
Why are Minnesota’s Gophers Golden?
Are they richer than our Gophers?
Does the fact that their Gophers are Golden somehow make them better than us?
I hate arrogant groundhogs…
GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-20

Memphis at Ole Miss
This game is the Battle for the Elvis….
I think the winner gets a Velvet Poster of Elvis…
Before he discovered complex carbohydrates…
REBELS 24-21

Western Michigan at Nebraska
Coach Bo will have the Big Red Machine in High gear for this one…
Believe it…
HUSKERS 38-10

Arkansas State at Texas A&M
The Indians haven’t had this much trouble since the Federal government showed up and said…
“Sign Here”….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-13

Southern University at Houston
The Cougars are Loaded this year….and
Southern has a wonderful Liberal Arts Program…
Enough said…
COUGARS 31-7

Louisiana Lafayette at Southern Miss
Just for the record…
I am STILL upset about Coach Jeff Bowers leaving USM…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-10

North Texas at Kansas State
I would really enjoy watching this game…
 But VH1 is having a “Special” on David Hasselhoff: The Man, The Myth, The Music.
Times like this I wish I had TIVo.
WILDCATS 24-14

Tennessee Martin at South Florida
I think Martin is going to get a South Florida ass whipping…
NO BULL 34-10

Boston College at Kent State
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for a school known for anti-war protesting and National Guard bullet traps…
EAGLES 28-10

Michigan State at California
The Spartans will keep this closer than you might think…a lot closer. 
O’ So Golden Bears 20-17 

Idaho State at Boise State
“Famous Potatoes” gets Mashed…film at Eleven.
BRONCOS 38-7

Illinois at Missouri
MO Knows Football……….
MO’s TIGERS 28-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
What do you get if you win this “Big” instate game?
A cactus and free maid service for a week?
SUN DEVILS 31-14

Washington at Oregon
Where is Coach James when you need him…?
QUACKERS 3-2

Idaho at Arizona
Everytime I hear about Idaho, I remember this girl from High School named Ida.
Never mind….
WILDCATS 20-10

Alabama and Clemson
NO Cream Puff Game Here….
THIS is HOW you start a Season…
Clemson has one of the Very Best Quarterbacks in the Nation…
The Tigers have a returning Offense and Defense that is second to none… 
I Dearly love my adopted Clemson Tiger Family.
You all know who you are….
I wish I was tailgating with you all right now..
Win, Lose or Draw…we are still family.

CRIMSON TIDE 27-24

Sunday, August 31st

Kentucky at Louisville
This game is alot like going to my wife’s family reunion in Eastern Kentucky..
There is bitterness, cussing and fighting….followed by hard feelings.
Never mind. This game is EXACTLY like her family reunion.
CARDINALS 27-23 

Colorado State at Colorado
While I am on the subject of my wife’s family…
Please be sure and watch my sister-in-law “run” onto the field as the Colorado mascot “Ralphie”..
Hey, I am NOT Complaining! We are just glad she is working…
BUFFALOS 31-28

Monday September 1st

Fresno State at Rutgers
If you really care about this game….
Then you probably didn’t have enough to drink during the earlier games..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 23-17

Tennessee at UCLA
This game is like trying to decide who to pull for in a War between Iran and Syria….
VOWELS 31-17

Your Weekly Email Q&A and Team News will be presented on Sunday.
Only 5 Days until Kickoff…..

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB

Some people call me the Miley Cyrus of College Football, but I like to think of myself as a “Superstar” Fan! Know what I mean?

Kickoff is right around the corner and you know what that means?

That’s right! I am a getting my mullet dyed Orange!
I am going to rock the Peyton Manning Trailer Park here in Baneberry Tennessee!

Now before we talk about some football, I got a little something for the “Ladies” out there…

Something must be wrong with my mail, cause I ain’t got any fan mail since Earlene got arrested, but I know yawl has been wanting to see a picture of your boy Hootie, am I right?

Now, I ain’t going to be responsible for no divorces or messy breakups, so look at my picture at your own risk ladies. I don’t want yawl too lathered up and have some jealous husband or boyfriend coming after ole Hootie.

I am hotter than a stolen pistol, ain’t I?

Now to my Football Picks of the Year….
This is easy….
I want to say it right here, the Vols will be undefeated this year and win the Southeastern Conference, the National Championship, and Coach Phil Fulmer will be “America’s Next Top Model”.

You don’t think so?
You ever seen Coach Phil in one of them Speedos?
Enough said.

Enjoy your Sunday

Hootie – Out!

P.S If any of you ladies are interested I am right here at the Casa De Hootie in the Peyton Manning Trailer Park in Baneberry Tennessee. Just look for the plastic Santa Claus painted up like Phil Fulmer next the 1982 Chevy Camaro on blocks and you is there!

With little more than a week away from the opening kickoff of our 2008 College Football Season, it got me thinking about our passion for our teams, our colors, our players and our legends of the Fall.

The passion we share for this sport often transcends other thoughts and emotions.

The Love for our school and team runs deep and so does our hatred for our rivals.

I know graduates of the University of Montana that will not stop for gas (or anything else for that matter) in Bozeman because it is the home of the Montana State Bobcats. Which I was told sucks.

I have met Missouri Tiger Fans that will drive an extra 100 miles, just so they don’t have to go through Kansas on the way to Nebraska.

According to the Missouri Tiger Fan: “Kansas is known as the Sunflower State.
There are three kinds of Sun in Kansas. Sunflowers…Sunshine…and Sons of Bi#@&*!

Our passion begins at birth and does not end with death.

This past year Lady Bird Johnson passed away near Austin Texas.

Please notice the Priests giving the “sign” in the below video……..

WARNING: If you are a Texas A&M Aggie or an Oklahoma Sooner; please skip the video and continue reading.

Click here to view the embedded video.

 That my friends….is Passion.

Enjoy Your Update!

TEAM NEWS

CINCINNATI: This past week BearKat quarterback Ben Mauk filed a lawsuit against the NCAA after the “organization” rejected the young mans final appeal for another year of eligibility.

The same day the lawsuit was filed, Hardin County Judge William Hart, in Mauk’s home area of Kenton, Ohio, granted a temporary restraining order that says the NCAA cannot prevent him from practicing with the BearKats.

The judge set an Aug. 22 hearing on Mauk’s request for a permanent injunction against the NCAA.

Mauk came back from career-threatening injuries to lead Cincinnati last year to a No. 17 ranking in the final poll. He passed for 31 touchdowns and 3,121 yards even though his right arm and shoulder were still in pain.

Mauk broke the arm and separated the shoulder in Wake Forest’s season opener in 2006, then transferred to Cincinnati.

He appealed to the NCAA for an extra year of eligibility because of the injuries, but was turned down.
A second appeal claiming he redshirted his freshman year at Wake Forest in part because of different injuries also was rejected.

Mauk then went to the NCAA’s reinstatement committee, which ruled last week there wasn’t enough medical documentation to support his claim that he missed his freshman year because of injury.
His lawsuit says it’s not his fault that files weren’t maintained.

The NCAA was disappointed by the ruling, a spokesman said:

“We look forward to explaining more fully our reasons for the decision and the careful review given not only by our staff but also by representatives from our member schools” spokesman Erik Christianson said in a statement.

Additionally the NCAA is threatening the University of Cincinnati with forfeiting their season if Ben Mauk even takes to the practice field.

EDITORS NOTE: Soooooo “other” member schools have a say-so in the rules and who is eligibile and who isn’t? Really? That is what I like to refer to as “A Damn Lie.”

NCAA: Don’t you all have something more important to do than screw with a quarterback in Cincinnati, like say for example….FINISH the INVESTIGATION into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans?

FLORIDA STATE: Florida State defensive end Markus White returned to practice Friday, a day after suffering a seizure. FSU officals said that White takes medication to control an undisclosed medical condition and that Thursday was not the first time he had a seizure.

When Coach Bobby was asked if White should be playing under the circumstances, he replied; “Now listen, I have discussed this before and I still believe that you shouldn’t discriminate against anyone because of their skin color. I think there is a place on this team for Whites, Blacks, Hispanics and Lord what I would give to have an Asian Kicker, like that Polish kid we had a few years ago.”

EDITORS NOTE: If you look up “Dementia” in the 2008 Websters Dictionary, it says “See Bobby Bowden.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: It seems the Trojans have suffered a “rash” of injuries lately.
According to the Los Angeles Times over 25% of the Trojan team has been affected by Jock Itch.

Coach Pete Carroll told the Times that “he has never seen anything like the current outbreak” and is pointing the finger at the new compression shorts the team is wearing underneath their football pants.

EDITORS NOTE: Every other football team in America is wearing the new shorts and nobody has the same problem as the Trojans. Couldn’t be the Pink Thongs your team is wearing at practice? Right Coach?
(Please see the August 6th Update on your College Football Wizard)
No word yet on the status of the players affected or Coach Carroll’s yeast infection.

NOTRE DAME: Early last week Notre Dame Officals reported that Head Coach Charlie Weis had lost over 100 pounds during the off-season. Unfortunately Coach Charlie “turned around” and found it on Friday.

OLYMPICS: The Folks at NBC want you to believe that “The World is Coming to China” for the Olympic games. Really? So where is the Antarctica Beach Volleyball Team? My Point exactly….

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: STOP saying that Coach Rod’s wife is a ten dollar Hooker! She IS NOT a TEN DOLLAR Hooker! Got it!
Anonymous – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Coach, I mean “anonymous”… I never said your wife was a ten dollar hooker.
I said your wife “looks” like a ten dollar hooker, acts like a ten dollar hooker and talks like a ten dollar hooker. Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.

Q: Mike, it’s that time of year again, so I have to ask…What’s the difference between a Georgia Tech Cheerleader and a Pig?
P.S. How Bout them Dawgs!
Stan – Athens, Georgia

A: Stan, I would have to say about 25 pounds, a bad case of acne and Black and Gold painted toenails.

Q: Dear Sir: I am one of the Metaphysical Psychics hired by the University of Southern California Trojan football team to assist with the players delicate psychological balance.
Please desist with your negative comments concerning the Trojans, it is hurtful to the players.
Thank you.
Dr. Quan – Los Angeles, California

A: Wow, so you are a “mind reader”? Do you know what I am thinking right now?
If you guessed “The Trojans Suck”, you are right!

Q: Hey Mike! Could you tell me where I can find lingerie for a pig?
It’s not for me, honest! It’s for a friend.
Scooter – Lenoir City, Tennessee

A: I would suggest checking at Fredericks of Obknoxville.  

Only 12 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted next weekend.

RTR
MEB

Welcome Back to Part II of Your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza!

We have a lot to discuss with this week’s Email Questions and Answers and the all important Pronostications of the Conference Championships.

So let’s get to it.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hey There! I like to read your column and me and my wife was wondering with all your popularity if you was looking for anybody to advertise on your site?
The reason I ask, is because my wife (Blossem) and I have come up with a dandy idea!
Everybody is trying to eat healthy now a days, am I right?
People want to eat stuff that is “all natural”.

So what could be more natural and healthy than Possum Milk and Possum Cheese?

If you is interested in having Blossem’s Possum Milk or Blossem’s Possum Cheese as a sponsor, just let us know.

It’s good and good for you (That’s what we a going to put on the package)

Bobcat and Blossem – Winchester, Tennessee

A: You two are Tennessee Volunteer Fans, right?
Now, it all makes sense….

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can help me with. I am a Kansas Jayhawk Fan (Go Jayhawks!) and we had several players leave the football team last year, but yet never heard if they graduated or were drafted by the NFL. Do you know what happened to the players that left the Jayhawks last year?
Thanks!
Chuck – Lawrence, Kansas

A: I know exactly what happened to the players from last years Jayhawks Team.
Coach Mangino ate them….sorry.

Q: Hello! I am 98 years young and I have been raising parrots for the past 14 years and breed them, nurture them and feed them worms. They keep me company and perform fancy tricks on tiny trampolines and chirp catchy, feel-good tunes all the day long. For Halloween last year I dressed them up as the characters of the TV show “the A-Team”. Tooty got to be Mr. T, he looked just like him. I just wish I could have gotten him to say, “I pity the Fool!”
I almost forgot what I was going to ask you!
How do you think the Seminoles are going to do this year? I wonder if Tooty could play Quarterback?

Bobby B. – Tallahassee, Florida

A: Coach, I think it’s about time for your nap.

Q: Listen Dung Breath, NO jokes this year about your sister-in-law! She does not have Horns! Those are calcium deposits! Also NOBODY wants to hear or read about her excessive body hair, the hump on her back or that one foot that looks like a hoof! I am sure that she has a wonderful personality and is very popular!
Anonymous – Pikeville, Kentucky

A: Did you like the Dehorning Paste I sent you for your Birthday?
No need to Thank me…

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS PART II

Due to time constraints I was unable to finish the “Pretenders” and “Contenders” section of the 2008 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza yesterday.

Enjoy….

PRETENDERS PART II

DUKE: The Blue Devils are to football what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

TEMPLE: See above and substitute “Owls” for Blue Devils.

KANSAS: I have good news and some bad news.
The Good News is that Coach Mark Mangino has beaten anorexia! Yes!
The bad news is that by the end of the year the Jayhawks will only be in contention for a bid to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Conway Arkansas. I would look at this as a “win”-”win”.

UTAH: I cannot in good conscience pull for any team that considers “Milk” an acceptable Tailgate Beverage.

OREGON: You have the most butt ugly uniforms of any sport at anytime in any country.
Your mascot looks like a gay Mr. Peanut…..
Your marching band uniforms looked like they were designed by a colored blind cyclops…
You refer to your offense as the “Quack Attack”….
And you wonder why I make fun of you?

WASHINGTON: I really wish the Mighty Huskies would return to Championship form…
Because I still miss Coach James.

CALIFORNIA (anything): How can I put this gently?
You suck. How’s that?

CONTENDERS PART II

ARIZONA STATE: The Sun Devils WILL compete for the PAC 10 title…Believe it.

WISCONSIN: Never underestimate the power of Cheese.
The game with the Mighty Buckeyes in Madison on October 4th will decide the conference title.

MIAMI: The Hurricanes will not contend for the Conference Championship this year, but they might ruin the Hokies chances when they meet on November 13th.

PENN STATE: Jo Pa will not win the Big Eleven…I mean “Ten” Title this year, but he will most certainly be a contender.

OREGON STATE: Coach Riley is a Bama Boy and that’s good enough for me.

ALABAMA: Because I said so….

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

THE BIG TEN…I mean ELEVEN

Despite the fact The Ohio State Buckeyes have Southern California, Wisconsin and Michigan State on the road this season, I believe this is a team on a mission.

The Ohio State Buckeyes WILL be Conference Champions this year.

THE BIG 12

The Missouri Tigers lead by Chase Daniels will most certainly win the Big 12 North, but don’t count out the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Coach Bo will have the Black Shirts ready to play. Believe it.

The Oklahoma Sooners “should” win the Big 12 South….
But Do Not underestimate the Red Raiders of Texas Tech.
They have one of the best quarterbacks in the nation that you never heard of in Graham Harrell.
Fortunately the Sooners have the Red Raiders in Norman this year on November 22nd.

But one slip by the Mighty Sooners…..

My Pick?

The Big 12 Champion will be the Oklahoma Sooners…

THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

The Clemson Tigers have some of the very best fans in the country that wrote the book on tailgating (Trust me on this one) and a favorable schedule to make a run for the title.

But they will have to play back to back road games at Boston College (November 1st) and at Florida State (November 8th). One late season banana peel and they will find themselves trailing the pack.

My Pick?

The Tigers WILL win the Atlantic Division…..

The Virginia Tech Hokies “should” win the Coastal Division of the Conference, but will not have enough horsepower to overcome the Mighty Tigers of Clemson.

Clemson Tigers 2008 ACC Conference Champions. Believe it.

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

WARNING: If you are prone to fits of anger or have a weak heart do not read any further.

The Georgia Bulldogs will NOT win the Southeastern Conference title or the Eastern Division.

As much as it pains me to say this. The Dawgs are undisciplined.

And to make matters worse….

The Dawgs have THE toughest schedule in the nation.
AT South Carolina
AT Arizona State
Alabama
Tennessee
AT LSU
Florida at Jacksonville
AT Auburn

The Mighty Florida Gators WILL win the Eastern Division of the Conference.
Why?
Two words for you…Tim Tebow.
Enough said.

The Team that will represent the Western Division of the Conference in Atlanta will be decided when LSU travels to Auburn on September 20th.

My Pick?
The Auburn Tigers

Florida Gators and Auburn Tigers in Atlanta for the Conference Championship.

The 2008 Southeastern Conference Champions will be the Florida Gators

CONFERENCE USA

Look for the Golden Eagles of Southern Miss to win the Eastern Division of the Conference with the Thundering Herd of Marshall hot on their heels.

The Western Division will be decided when the Houston Cougars and the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes meet in Texas on November 15th.

My Pick?
The Houston Cougars will win the Division and the Conference Title.

EDITORS NOTE: I still think the name “Golden Hurricanes” sounds dirty.

THE BIG EAST

This one will be easy….

Light those Couches!

The West Virginia Mountaineers will win it all in the Big East.

PAC 10

I really don’t care and neither should you, but if I have to pick a team….

The Arizona State Sun Devils will win the PAC 10 Conference Tilte this year.

EDITORS NOTE: You can’t stop a man from dreaming…..

The MAC, YAC, Paddy WAC Give my dog a bone Conferences…..to include “Independents”.

Does it really matter?

No it doesn’t.

Only 18 Days until Kickoff……

Your College Football Picks for the first games of the season will be posted….soon.

RTR
MEB

When I make a mistake I am willing to admit it.

In past articles I have described former coach and current ESPN college football analyst Lou Holtz as a 145 pound Tom Turkey.

However, this is not entirely true.

He is also an actor. Who knew?

I have on good authority that Lou Holtz will be “starring” as “Granny” in a remake of the classic Television Series “The Beverly Hillbillies”.

No word yet on what the producers plan on doing about Lou’s gobbling and spitting….

Part II of your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza will be out later this afternoon.

RTR
MEB

I have good news to report. 
Not only is “Dog The Bounty Hunter” back on the air, but we are only 19 days away from the opening kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season.
And you all know what that means…..it is time for your College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

I know that it may be difficult for many of you to concentrate on the upcoming College Football Season with the latest news of the week.
Much like you I was shocked by what I heard.
Please, do not worry.
Even though Russia was reported to have invaded Georgia, I can assure you all they will never make it past Valdosta.
Those Georgia Boys will whip their ass.

Enjoy Your Picks!

Pre-Season Observations and Pronostications

ESPN: The College Football Crew of ESPN College Gameday will continue to ignore the Reggie Bush- Southern California Trojan scandal because the network has too much money invested in showing PAC-10 Football games.

ESPN Part II: As a side note, how about showing the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
You can run the scores at the bottom of the screen because most of us can READ.
We (The College Football Fans) do not need three or four talking heads in the “studio” to tell us what we already know.

College Football Announcers and Commentators

Sometime during the 2008 College Football Season we will tune into “our” game and find one of the below individuals that suffers from chronic diarrea of the mouth “announcing” the game.
My suggestion?
Hit the mute button.

Lou Holtz: As I reported last year; The “One Time” Coach that has left every single university team in his career under NCAA Investigation is not a human being at all, but a 145 pound Tom Turkey.
Why do we need to hear him gobble and spit for an hour in the studio before kickoff? 
My point exactly.

Mark “Milk Dud Head” May: I am guessing his Resume says he is a “Master of the Obvious”. 
If my team is down by two touchdowns at half time, I REALLY don’t need to hear Milk Dud Head say, “They need to score more points if they expect to win this game.” 
Really? You figured that out all by yourself? Thanks Rain Man.

Bret Musburger: If you look up “Gibbering Jackass” in Websters Dictionary, it says; “See Bret Musburger.”

Vern Lundquist: Most of the time this syphilitic old Troll doesn’t even know which sport he is announcing. Here is a hint: Golf and Basketball metaphors don’t have ANY place in College Football.
Dumbass.

Dan Foust: You put the “Dumb” in “Ass”. Congratulations.

Bob Griese: See Above

Pam Ward: See “Dan Foust” Above

Archie Manning: Do you know how to tell when Archie is saying something stupid?
His lips are moving.

Whoa Nelly! Where is the Great Keith Jackson when you really need him?

SOUTHERN CAL: The Trojans will continue to be the Darlings of media, that is until they line up against the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State on 13 September. Then the excuses will begin….

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines will start out the year 1and 4 this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Wolverine Fans, look at the bright side:
You have the only college football coach in the nation who’s wife dresses like a ten dollar hooker.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Coach Croom proved he can Coach and Motivate; expect more of the same this year. To include another Bowl game.

I still think Auburn’s mascot “aubie” looks like that cat on a bag of Cheetos.

IOWA: Unfortunately the “Hawkeyes” passed on the sponsorship of a major fried chicken franchise and a mascot name change to “Popeyes” due to ongoing litigation by Olive Oil and Brutus.

INDIANA: Also in mascot news; the “Hoosiers” have passed on a wonderful sponsorship opportunity by a Nationally known “Wing” Restaurant and will not rename their team the “Hooters”.

EDITORS NOTE: The Hoosiers are however still negotiating with the FOX Network on a limited sponsorship with a popular television program and renaming their them the “Homers”.

I still think Terry Bowden looks like a shaved Groundhog.

NEBRASKA: Big Red isn’t all the way back, but Coach Bo will get them there sooner than you think.

TENNESSEE: It was reported last week in the Nashville Tennessean that the University of Tennessee leads the nation with the largest athletic recruiting budget spending more than 2 Million dollars a year in private and public air transportation, rental cars and lodging.

Two Million Dollars A Year? Really?

Over a Million More than Notre Dame, Texas and Ohio State? Wow…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just because the University of Tennessee is the ONLY College or University in the country with a convicted felon on their board of directors is no reason to think anything is wrong.
I mean, just because he was convicted in Federal Court for embezzlement is no reason to worry.
After all, he isn’t like the last university President that charged the university over $180, 000 dollars per home game for “entertainment”, right? How much money did he “misappropriate”? Ten Million Dollars?

You Volunteer fans enjoy that 26% tution hike this year. I am sure your money is being well spent.

COLLEGE REFEREES
Despite a valiant effort by the PAC 10 Officials last year in screwing a number of teams out of wins, they will have to bring their Coke Bottle Glasses and Seeing Eyed Dogs to beat the Master of Disaster when it comes missed calls and determining the outcome of games.
I am talking of course, of the Southeastern Conferences own Penn Wagers.
That guy could screw up a two car parade.

This year a team from the Eastern Middle Western Northern Southern Conference will claim they should get a shot at the Championship because they beat a Taxidermy School from North Carolina.

This year I will still wonder who is actually on the BCS Committee.
Currently, I believe the committee is comprized of a group of chimpanzees on crack that make their respective decisions with the use of a dart board.

This year the Ivy League will still suck.

West Point: See above

OLYMPICS: If I hear one more time that Wong Chang Woo enjoys watching reruns of “Friends” and playing “Clue” my head is going to explode.

CONTENDERS and PRETENDERS

PRETENDERS

IOWA: The Hawkeyes must have worked really hard to arrange a schedule were they didn’t have to play ANYBODY of note in their Conference this year. No Michigan or Ohio State, just dates with Wisconsin and Penn State to round out a schedule dominated by cream puffs.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Sherman doesn’t even know the names of his players, do you think he is ready for the Big 12? The answer my friends is, no he isn’t.

EDITORS NOTE: For reasons that I don’t need to go into here, I can’t in good conscience pull for any Coach Named “Sherman.”

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on NCAA Probation by now? Just wondering….

ARKANSAS: The Mighty Razorbacks are a young team with a new coach.
They are two or three years away from the Southeastern Conference Championship game.

FLORIDA STATE: Due to recent restrictions in the Florida Parole system, the Seminoles will be unable to field a championship caliber team. There, I said it.

EDITORS NOTE: The fact that Coach Bobby can’t dress himself or remember what year it is should have no impact on his play calling. Which is nice…

LOUISVILLE: No Defense, means No Conference Championship. Period.

NOTRE DAME: You might beat Navy this year, but you all are a long way away from winning anything that really matters. Might I suggest scheduling the School that Re-Treads Tires and the Vietnamese Nail Salon in Lake Charles. Wait, Florida State has already scheduled those schools, sorry.

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines are in for a long season….a really long season.

COLORADO: Despite the fact my sister-in-law doubles as “Ralphie” the Buffalo Mascot at most home games, the Mile High team will fall flat early this year. Believe it.

EDITORS NOTE: Please, no emails about “How mean I am to my sister-in-law” about her being the Colorado mascot. We are just thankful she is working….

CONTENDERS

TEXAS TECH: The Red Raiders will be the Team to beat in the Big 12.
Remember you heard it here first. Get Those Guns Up Red Raiders!

TEXAS: Never Count out the Longhorns and Colt McCoy.
If they get by the Red Raiders and survive the Red River Shoot out, they will have a shot at the Big Time.

OKLAHOMA: This year the Mighty Sooners WILL be in the Big 12 Championship game….Believe it.

MISSOURI: The Tigers have Chase Daniel and the right surrounding cast to win the Big 12, but will they make it to the “Big” Championship Game?

CLEMSON: Tommy’s Tigers are Loaded and have a favorable schedule to win the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship, but can they overcome a history of late season stumbles?

VIRGINIA TECH: NEVER count out Coach Beamer and the Mighty Hokies.

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes should win the Big Eleven..I mean Ten Championship. But they have to get by the Badgers on October 4th to earn it.

WEST VIRGINIA: Will the couches light the Morgantown sky this year?
Talk to me after Auburn comes to town on October 23rd.

LSU: The Bayou Bengals are a legitimate contender for the Southeastern Conference Championship if and thats a BIG if, they get through the brutal Conference schedule.

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs get through their schedule without getting bruised up they should and will be Number One. Period.

AUBURN: These Tigers are poised to ruin everybodies parade in the Southeastern Conference.
They ARE Contenders. Believe it.

FLORIDA: The Mighty Gators are my pick to win the BCS Championship.
Why? You will have to read Part II Tomorrow of the Pre-Season Extravaganza to find out.
Your Favorite College Football Pronosticators Conference Championships and Email Questions and Answers will be included too. So look for Part II Sunday Afternoon.

RTR
MEB

A mid-week report before we roll into the Preseason College Football Extravaganza this Weekend.

Many of you may think that I am too critical of the Southern California Trojans.

Alot of you think I should let go of the whole NCAA, Reggie Bush Investigation.

Some of you may even think that I paint the fans of all things California as something “less than normal”.

I have always believed that pictures often speak louder than words, don’t you?

Below is a photograph of “Star” Linebacker Rey Maualuga of the Trojans at a recent practice in his pink thong.

He said, “it made him feel pretty.”

The only thing worse than this would be a picture of Kenny Chesney at a Corndog eating Contest.

EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the visual.

RTR
MEB

Until I leave in another couple of months I will be providing your picks and pronostications on the weekend.

Next weekend, in preparation for the opening kickoff to our beloved College Football 2008 Season, I will provide you the “College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza” with Conference and Championship Picks and pronostications. No need to thank me, your adulation embarrasses me.

This weekend we have reports from a variety of teams and conferences and a sample of the oddest collection of emails I have ever received. So let’s get to it.

FLORIDA STATE: As reported early in the week, Coach Bobby Bowden was said to have found the restroom “All By Himself”. Unfortunately Coach Bobby relieved himself in the sink and was reported to have been screaming at the hand drier “Hey Everybody! It’s a Jet Engine!” It’s sad really.

OKLAHOMA: This week Coach Bob Stoops dismissed one of the most highly touted freshman wide receivers in the country before he ever arrived in Norman.

Josh Jarboe of Decatur Georgia was sent “packing” after he posted an obscenity laced rap video on YouTube that referenced shooting people and then proceeded to follow up that stroke of genius by being arrested on the Campus of his High School for carrying a gun.

No word yet on when Bobby Bowden or Phil Fulmer will offer him a scholarship.

EDITORS NOTE: You are thinking it, so I will say it. That kid is a dumbass.

MICHIGAN: Last week Coach Rod’s wife shows up at a Wolverine Alumni gathering dressed like a ten dollar hooker and Vh1 announced that “Rock of Love III with Bret Michaels is currently being cast.”

Coincidence? I think not.

TENNESSEE: During the Southeastern Conference media days Coach Phil Fulmer was served with a subpoena to give a deposition in the case against disassociated boosters relating to the NCAA investigation of the University of Alabama.

Why is this important? For starters; Fat Phil and his “personal” attorney Jeff Hagood stated in 2003 that Phil Fumer would give a deposition in the case “as soon as the Coach’s schedule allowed.” Coach Phil then proceded to skip the 2004 Southeastern Conference Media days to avoid being served in the case and attempted to pass the $10,000 dollar fine for skipping the conference off to the University.

To make matters even more comical, if that’s possible, Coach Phil tried to claim that he wasn’t “served” at the recent conference media days, that he was “only signing an autograph.”

What are you? Stupid or just illiterate?

EDITORS NOTE: Much like you, I would believe that Coach Phil was “really” that busy for the last five years if Knoxville had a 24 hour Krispy Kreme, but they don’t.

WEST VIRGINIA: At the recent Big East Conference Media days Mountaineer Quarterback Pat White decided that he didn’t want to talk about West Virginia’s chances to win the Conference Championship or discuss the latest Bowl win in 2007. Instead, Pat White thought this would be a good time to claim the West Virginia Mountaineer BASEBALL team was racist because (In his opinion) they didn’t have enough black baseball players on the team.

Wait, aren’t you the quarterback of the Football team?
I have a novel idea; at the Big East Football Media Days why don’t you talk about FOOTBALL?

EDITORS NOTE: If anyone out there REALLY believes that a coach of a Major University Sports program wouldn’t want the best athletes on the field to win regardless of their color, religion or shoe size, then let me be the first to tell you. Congratulations; You are a dumbass.

LSU: Recently at a Fightn’ Tiger Alumni function Coach Miles made some unflattering remarks and jokes about the University of Alabama. Why Coach? Is the National Championship not enough for you?

Let me be the first to remind you Coach that you WON with Coach Sabans recruits, not yours.

You will not remain at the top of the ladder forever, after all this is the Southeastern Conference.

And lastly as Coach Bryant used to say; “Win without bragging and lose without excuse.”

GEORGIA: If the Dawgs have anymore arrests they won’t be able to field a two man row boat team.
Stop acting like Florida State and Tennessee, you all are Georgia for God’s Sake.

PENN STATE: Some Idiot Alumni of Penn State is banging the drum that “Jo Pa has lost control of the Nittany Lion football team” and should be fired.

Are you serious? Compared to what team, Yale? They don’t even have a marching band.

Jo Pa is a GIANT of the Game. Period. He should be allowed to retire when he damn well wants too.

Enough said.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s comments like this that confirms my dislike for yankees.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So whatever happened to the NCAA and PAC 10 Investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush?

Go ahead ESPN, ignore it if you want and talk about how the “Mexican-American community have embraced Mark Sanchez as a Hero” and any number of other stupid articles about U$C.

We are still waiting.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Hello! Welcome to Candyland! (I sometimes like starting my emails out like that!)
I am new to your column and have a question for you that I hope you can help me with.
I have a pet chinchilla named Skippy that I LOVE! I want to dress him up for college football games, but can’t find any place that has uniforms or college game day clothes to fit him, can you help?
Thanks?
Stuart – Irvine, California
A: You are a Southern California Trojan fan, aren’t you Stu?

Q: Mike we are expecting a BIG year for the Florida State Seminoles!
I have a question that I am sure you can help me out with!
Does Coach Bobby wear anything “lucky” to give him that extra confidence during a game?
Chuck – Fort Meyers, Florida
A: Depends

Q: Mike, I come from a family of hardworking oil drillers. My grandfather, Dad and four brothers are all oil drillers. The decision to follow my dream of becoming a puppeteer and a background dancer for children’s shows has resulted in me being ostracized by 92% of my family.
Let’s just say that I hear such phrases as “Worked on any new Fairy Dances lately Tim?” and “Hey Tim, why don’t you give us a private show with your lamb puppet?”

If this weren’t bad enough, I have to decided to come “out of the closet” and tell my family the news.

I am a Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan.

Do you have any advice that could help me?
Tim – Lagrange, Georgia
A: You are on your own Tiny Dancer.

Q: Greetings! While watching a rerun of “Charles in Charge” starring Scott Baio an idea popped into my head! I don’t get out of the house much but love to experiment and mix chemicals in my basement. Using a combination on melted deodorant, cheap cologne and some old hair gel, I wish to create a new cologne for me entitled BAIO! I believe those elements would re-create the vibrant smell of the real life Chachi!

So my question is this, if I were to create a unique cologne for the Greatest Coach in Tennessee History what would I need? I am going to call it PHAT Phil (You know as in “Pretty Hot and Tempting”)
What do you think?
Dale – Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I would go with the above ingredients and add a Krispy Kreme Bear Claw and Jelly donut, a scoop or two of Lard and a cup of Bull Crap and consider re-naming the cologne BFL; you know, as in Big Fat Liar.

Lastly Dale, Just say “No to Drugs.”

Only 27 Days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

I have sad news to report this morning from Paris Texas.

John Mark Stallings the son of former Alabama Coach Gene Stallings has passed away in Paris Texas.

Johnny was diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome at birth and experienced declining health the past few years. He was 46 years old.

Johnny was a fixture at the side of his father when he Coached at the Capstone.
He was a guide at the Bear Bryant Museum, an equipment manager for the football team and a fan favorite

John Mark is also partially responsible for the extremely positive, long-standing relationship between the University of Alabama and the Rise School of Tuscaloosa.

UA Athletics Director Mal Moore extended his deepest sympathies and then had this to say.

“For someone who never played or coached a game,” Moore said, “I think John Mark may have touched more Alabama fans than any other person ever did. I would like to thank the Stallings family for sharing their love for John Mark with all of us.”

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Stallings Family during this time.

I wish I could say more, but I just can’t.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Your College Football Update will be later today.

RTR
MEB

This weekend you will have a College Football Update!

We have alot to discuss with the close of SEC Media Days; Fat Phil “Getting Served” and news from Florida State that Coach Bobby found the restroom all by himself.
Hard to believe, but true.

Please stay tuned and thank you all for your patience.

Only 30 days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Your updates on the upcoming 2008 College Football Season will return in another week, as I am getting ready to depart for another adventure overseas.

I will do my best to keep you all informed and entertained from across the pond.

God Bless you all.

RTR
MEB

Most of you have heard or read about the Big raise given a number of Tennessee Volunteer Coaches in the wake of a reported 11 Million Dollar shortfall in the University of Tennessee budget.

According to published reports Coach Phil Fulmer will receive a One Million Dollar raise going into the 2008 season, making him the fourth highest paid football coach in the Southeastern Conference.

You may be wondering if the raise has gone to Phil’s head.

I have on good authority that Coach Phil had a painting of himself commissioned for the Volunteer Locker room, in an effort to “Inspire” and “motivate” his players. Coach Phil was reported to have said when he viewed the painting for the first time; “Now that is what I call, Classy!”

See for yourself…

No word yet if any of the money is deferred to Krispy Kreme stock options.

Only 50 more Days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

There are a lot of things that don’t make sense to me; say like the NCAA dragging its feet on the investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California and cheese logs.

I don’t understand how the Weather Channel can “predict” a dozen major hurricanes this year, but can’t tell me if it’s going to rain in the morning.

Why is there an Amish Outlet?
Are the Amish producing so many goods that they need a place to sell the excess?
And how much stuff can you move in a buggy anyway?

Why is there a store that sells “Irregular” clothing?
Do I really want to save ten dollars on a pair of jeans only to have to explain to my friends why one leg of my pants is eight inches higher than the other and why my zipper is located on my hip?

I recently saw a billboard on the way to my wife’s family reunion that said, “Grandpa’s House of Meat and Cheese” and then at the bottom of the sign it said, “Come on in and check out Grandpa’s Meat!”
Am I the only person that thinks that is funny as hell and a little disgusting?

Do people in this country really think that having a “Talent” constitutes setting off twenty dollars worth of firecrackers in your pants while you play the ukulele?

I know, sometimes I think too much, but just don’t get me started on cheese logs.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, do you know the orgin of why they call Youngstown State the Penguins?
Thanks!
Jeremy – Zanesville, Ohio
A: Because the university is located ten miles form the artic circle Jeremy.

Q: Mike, I was shopping for my wife’s birthday and was looking at purchasing a UT (Tennessee) version of the game Monopoly and was wondering if you knew the diffrence between this version and the regular Monopoly game?
Tommy – Jackson, Tennessee
A: Glad you asked Tommy. The Tennessee version of Monopoly has a variety of different twists but the most noticeable is that not only does the Tennessee football player end up in jail and cannot collect two hundred dollars, but he also has to wait for Phil Fulmer’s lawyer to bail him out.

Q: As a Professor of Philosophy at a Major Ivy League Institution, I feel that I am qualified to comment on your latest rant forbidding children to choose their favorite teams in sports. Simply put; we should let them choose to stimulate their creativity and develop self worth in their decision making process. I hope this helped you understand how we “do things up north.”
Dr. R. Moran – Cambridge, Massachusetts.
A: Admit it Doc, you heard these words a lot growing up….
“Hand over your lunch money”

Q: Mike, I have a confession to make. I am a life long Alabama Fan, but yesterday while I was at work I “Kind of” flirted with this young lady that is a recent Auburn graduate.
What should I do?
Warren – Cottondale, Alabama
A: Say Thirty “Hail Bryants” and go back to work and behave yourself.

Q: Mike is the mascot at the University of Nebraska, “Husker Boy” real or is that a student in a costume? That boy has got the biggest head I have ever seen on a human being!
Shirley – Texarkana, Arkansas
A: Unfortunately Shirley that is NOT a student in a costume, but he doesn’t have the largest head of all the mammals. That distinction belongs to Wynonna Judd.

Q: You were a little hard on the new Georgia State head football coach in a previous post. Are we to understand that you really don’t think Bill Curry is a very good football coach?
Debbie – Atlanta, Georgia
A: Bill Curry is to Coaching what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

Q: What is the craziest thing you have seen during this off season?
Todd – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: “I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic’s; his hair was perfect.”

EDITORS NOTE: My Thanks to Warren Zevon for the above answer.

Q: Mike, how are the football players at the University of Tennessee going to stay academically eligible without the “Minor in Dance” classes?
Julie – Gainesville, Florida
A: Thank goodness they still have the “Walking Classes” or they might be in real trouble. But I have on good authority that the “new” curriculum for freshman football players at Tennessee will include two classes from the Agriculture Department.
The Armadillo: Possum on the Half Shell or Natures Little Tank?
Okra: Hairy vegetable or Natures Bore Brush?

Q: Mike I know that you have discussed this before, but I have to ask which university do you think has the worse mascot in all of collegiate sports?
Sorry if this is a repeat question! Thanks!
Kim – Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: There are a number of worthy candidates for that award Kim, but I would have to say that the Evergreen State Geoduck wins the award for the worst mascot.
It looks like a foam rubber turd with legs, see for yourself.

Enjoy your Fourth of July and remember we are only 56 days away from Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

It saddens me to report that the beloved University of Georgia mascot UGA VI passed away last Friday.

The English Bulldog was the largest of all Georgia mascots at 65 pounds and represented the University of Georgia during two Southeastern Conference Championships and posted the best record of any mascot with the football team during his ten year rein at 87 and 27.

“He was a good one”, owner Frank W. “Sonny” Seiler said in a statement released by the university.

“What can I say? He had a marvelous record. He was a very strong and healthy dog. He was the biggest of all the dogs, and he had the biggest heart. It just played out.”

UGA VI was buried yesterday in his famous kennel; entombed in the granite and marble mausoleum in the southwest corner of Sanford Stadium where UGA’s five predecessors are buried.

COMMENTARY

Many of you may be saying, what’s the big deal; It was just a dog, or why should he care he isn’t a Georgia man.

But I do care.

I care because I love the pageantry and tradition of college football and it doesn’t get any better than seeing UGA on the field with his red letter sweater barking at the opposing team.

I care because I have never met a bad Georgia Bulldog fan.

I care because I think the world of Sonny Seiler and his bride Miss Cecelia.

I care because of Lewis Grizzard and Vince Dooley.

I care because UGA VI tried to bite that smartass Auburn football player a few years ago.

I care because the Bulldog Nation would line up for hours, just to have their picture taken with him.

I care because I loved that Big Ole Bulldog.

Written on the side of UGA VI’s famous kennel in red and black letters, it said……..”A Damn Good Dawg.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

RTR
MEB

I will apologize in advance as this may be your only update this week. However we do have some college football news to report and some Email Q & A to cover for your information and entertainment.

So let’s get to it shall we?

DUKE: A Kentucky judge has confirmed what Duke football fans have known for years: Their football team is as bad as it gets.

Bad enough that Louisville should have to find another football team to replace the Blue Devils without penalty after Duke pulled out of the final three games of a four game contract last season.

In a lawsuit filed late last year, Louisville asked for $450,000 dollars in damages and any additional damages the court saw fit to award.

But Duke’s lawyers argued that the Blue Devils performance on the field was so poor that any Division I team would suffice as a replacement. Duke is 6-45 over the past five years and 13-90 since 1999.

Simply put, eleven hamsters would provide a bigger challenge to an opposing team.

NOTRE DAME: How bad is your football program when your Athletic Director would leave for the same position at Duke? Well, the Fighting Irish Athletic Director Kevin White did that just last week.

EDITORS NOTE: This is a sure sign that you suck.

OLYMPICS: Believe it or not, in Las Vegas this week a group is meeting to determine who will represent the United States in an Olympic demonstration of “Rock-Paper-Scissors”, in hopes that this will become an actual Olympic event in the near future.

One gibbering idiot was quoted as saying: “The manual dexterity and mental acuity to be a champion in this sport is equal to any sport anywhere in the world.”

EDITORS NOTE: What are we going to hear next? Wang Chang Foo is the Mark Spitz of “Rock-Paper-Scissors”? Kill me now.

ALABAMA: This week starting linebacker and one time running back Jimmy Johns was arrested in a drug sting by local police on five counts of selling cocaine.

Coach Nick Saban immediately responded with this statement: “This type of behavior obviously will not be tolerated and he is no longer a part of our program.”

EDITORS NOTE: Please note that at no time did Coach Nick say “He was looking into it” or “Waiting for all the facts” or even mention giving Johns another chance.
For the fans in Tallahassee and Knoxville; this is how it is done.

NCAA: Just in case you were wondering. We are all STILL waiting to hear about the investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California.

EMAIL Q and A

Q: You wrote that “Most California fans” are of the “fair weather” type. In your mind, what constitutes a fair weather fan?
Brad – La Jolla, California
A: There are alot of ways to determine a fair weather fan Brad. But lets take a look at the most noticeable.

If all your college game day wear STILL has the price tag on it and it hasn’t been washed and not because it’s “lucky”, then you are most certainly a “fair weather” fan.
In California Speak: If the brand new shirt fits, then I don’t have to acquit.

Q: Mike, couldn’t you at least “try” and be a fan of the University of Southern California Trojans?
Jenna – Los Angeles, California
A: I would rather play Twister with Rosie O’Donnell.

EDITORS NOTE: I made myself throw up with that visual, sorry.

Q: Hello? Ever heard of the Ivy League?
Roxanne -Ithaca, New York
A: No I haven’t and you want to know why? Because your marching bands suck. And as a side note: Your cheerleaders look like they could floss with a number two pencil.

Q: For your information San Jose State is a “big” in-state rivalry game with both the University of Southern California and the Golden Bears of California!
Juan – Berkeley, California
A: Has anybody ever gotten killed over the results of the football game or divorced over your team affiliations? Then it’s not a “Big” rivalry game dumbass.

Q: How dare you dismiss AI Day on Trojan gameday! Amensty International Day brought “awareness” to the plight of the political prisoners unlawfully detained in this country! I am sure that the concept of justice is too difficult for you to understand!
Stephan G. – Los Angeles, California
A: I understand a lot of things Stephan. For example, I understand that you are a wussy with too much time on your hands.  

Q: Why all the hostility towards California? Frankly it saddens me. I believe that if we just shake hands, it will send a message of hope and peace and understanding. What do you say?
Amarella Sanchez – Encinitas, California
A: Shaking hands with someone from southern California is like shaking hands with a damp Twizzler.

Only 64 Days until Kickoff………

RTR
MEB

It would appear from the number of emails I received after my last post that I hit a nerve with some football fans of “anything” California. It is also apparent that I have offended a large number of northern football fans living near the artic circle. I am assuming they read my post when they weren’t chewing whale blubber.

Before we go any further let me take a moment to bring a silver lining to this discussion and clear up any misunderstanding.

For the folks who reside near the artic circle that were offended by my last post; look on the bright side.
You may not be very good in the world of college football, but you still have the winter Olympics!
Curling! YES!

To my “Highly Offended” football fans from California let me simplify this argument for you.

We are different.

You think you have all the answers.

We Know you don’t.

When one of our players is accused of accepting money from a Booster or one of our universities undergoes an NCAA inquisition you say we have a “Plantation Mentality.”

When one of your players has been paid by a Booster or your university undergoes an NCAA investigation you say “the system is flawed.”

Certainly there are other differences as well.

We know the “Real” Death Valley isn’t in the desert…

To us the Third Saturday in October means something special….

We know that Ninety Thousand people will fit into a Swamp…

We know that Bo still Knows….

We Know that Hershal is a stallion and Earl is a Longhorn..

We Invented tailgating….
EDITORS NOTE: Not to be confused with the same term and or activity used in and around the San Francisco bay area.

Most of OUR mascots can and will hurt you if given the chance…

I hope this helped.

Before I forget, Hootie Snitch will return next week as he is still trying to sober up from his trip to the South Carolina Cooter Festival. Before you even ask, yes I am serious.
http://www.cooterfest.com/

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

GEORGIA STATE: I will try and write this particular piece again without breaking into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Georgia State has started a football program and named Bill Curry as their Head Coach.

Yes, That Bill Curry

There is Good news and Bad news here folks.

The Bad News is that Georgia State hired Bill Curry as their Head Coach.
The Good News is the rest of us won’t have to listen to his winy “know it all” ass cry on television anymore about how the Alabama fans never embraced him at the Capstone.

OPERATION MORALE: Recently a number of college football coaches traveled across Southwest Asia on “Operation Morale” to visit with our tropps and to thank them for their sacrifice and service. Notable Coaches on the tour included Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis, Mark Richt of Georgia, Miami Hurricane Coach randy Sahnnon and Tommy Tubberville of Auburn.

Thank you to all the coaches; those boys and girls really appreciated it.

EDITORS NOTE: Despite the fact a number of reported terrorist seemed to “disappear” in Baghdad, there is no truth to the rumor that Charlie Weis ingested any Al-Qaeda operatives while he was in Iraq.

Also the rumors circulating that Tommy Tubberville’s ears were used to listen to conversations in the distant caves of Afghanistan are completely false. Everyone knows his ears only have an estimated sensitive hearing radius (ESHR) of five hundred miles.

GEORGIA: It’s a sad day between the hedges.

John Rauch, the former Bulldog quarterback and Oakland Raider Head Coach in Super Bowl II died at his home in Oldsmar Florida. he was 80 years old.

Rauch became a four year starter for the Bulldogs from 1945 to 1948 and he was the first player in college football history to start in four consecutive bowl games. Het set the NCAA record with 4,044 career passing yards while leading the Georgia Bulldogs to a 36-8-1 record and two consecutive Southeastern Conference Championships.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Hokie’s prized recruit who led Amherst High School to consecutive Group AA State Championships and was voted the Associated Press Virginia Player of the Year is facing felony drug charges.

Peter Rose, the first team quarterback and AP Group AA Player of the Year in 2007, was charged with two counts of distribution of drugs within 1,000 feet of a school.

Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden was reported to have said concerning the arrest: ” If he would have signed with us we would have provided him with bail money and a decent attorney.”

TENNESSEE: This past week, University of Tennessee President John Petersen announced that a number of academic programs will be eliminated in order to cover the reported 11 million dollar shortfall in the university budget.

One program that will be eliminated is the minor in dance curriculum.
No word yet on how this will effect the academic standing of the football team.

EDITORS NOTE: Thank God they STILL have the Walking classes for the football players or none of them would be eligible.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Believe it or not, the investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush is still “ongoing.” Ole Reggie’s attorneys are working overtime to prevent the lawsuit from his “former” sports agent Lloyd Lake from being conducted in a public forum.
Currently the lawsuit has been delayed as Reggie’s attorneys have reserved an 11 July court date to argue a motion to compel arbitration and want the case stayed until that motion is heard.
If the case is stayed and moved out of court, it would cut off potential court-related evidence available to the NCAA, which as we all know is “investigating” whether Bush and his family recevied impermissible benefits from Lake and his former business partner Michael Michaels.

Bush and the Trojans don’t act like they are innocent, do they?

EDITORS NOTE: Whatever happened to the NCAA finding a team or individual guilty on circumstantial evidence?

NCAA: Hey Matlock, have you found Reggie Bush’s parents house yet?

Only 70 days until Kickoff…….

RTR
MEB

I have received a number of emails recently concerning my “bias” of Southern football in general and the Southeastern Conference in particular.

Some have commented that I need to be more “fair and balanced”. While others have suggested that such and such and so in so conference or university has a better team or teams than the Southeastern Conference.

One reader went as far as to suggest that Southern California “should” have been declared the National Champions last year because they were “better” at the end of the year than LSU.

Let me take a moment to respond to such criticism.

We Southerners have never bought into the “kinder and gentler” thought process, particulary when it comes to college football.

At least “real” Southerners haven’t.

We don’t allow our children to “choose” a college football team on their own, God forbid.

The little ones learn early and fast what “their” colors are and good parenting is often judged by how soon your children learn the fight song and know the name of their respective mascot.

And frankly I support that theory.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Yankees usually let their children “decide on their own” so their “creativity” isn’t dampened later in life. That is why most of their children are gibbering idiots by the time they are ten years old.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exceptions to this rule of course are Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State Fans.

While most northern families are talking to their children about the Kennedy Dynasty and the advantages of socialism, we in the South have educated our children in the ways of Bryant, Dooley, Dietzel and Shug.
We have taken the time to explain the Wishbone Offense to our kids and ran it with them in the back yard.
Unlike socialism, we have proven to our children the Wishbone offense works.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exceptions to this rule of course are Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State Fans.

California college football fans which are almost always of the “Fair Weather” type are still stuck in the mindset of the 1960′s with “Hey, it’s just a game” or “Who wants a Zima and some Tofu?” and “Can’t we all just get along” attitude.

Let me be the first to break the news to you Sunshine: We Can’t, Don’t and Won’t all get along.
In fact we don’t like you. Not even a little bit.

You are the Paris Hilton of the college football world.

While you are getting “all fired up” to play Fresno, Jalapeno or San Jose State somewhere in the South a titanic struggle is taking place between proud programs that will be talked about for generations.

You think having a “Amnesty International Day” on game day is exciting?
Then you don’t want to go to Clemson, Blacksburg, Gainesville, Athens or Baton Rouge on a Saturday night.

Your heart wouldn’t be able to stand it.

We in the South own the landscape of College Football and all the ESPN announcers and left coast commentaries and NCAA Bull Butter in the world won’t change that fact.

Only 72 days until kickoff……

RTR
MEB

You know we are 79 days away from the opening kickoff to the 2008 College Football season so it’s time to talk about one of my favorite topics; Instate Rivalries.

Certainly everyone knows about the hate and discontent that exists between Ohio State and Michigan or Texas and Oklahoma and Tennessee and everybody.

But the hate that is conjured up by an instate rivalry is the most bitter of all.

For those of you in Nebraska, Wyoming, Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin or Tennessee you may not understand what I am describing.

Let’s face it a game between Ohio State and Ohio Wesleyan isn’t exactly a major draw.
Some of you may be thinking what would be wrong with watching the Buckeyes take on the Battling Bishops?

Everything: Because it doesn’t matter and the outcome is inevitable.

The hate and discontent that is generated by an instate rivalry last’s all year long.
It is passed on to your children and it is felt at the grocery store, at school and in church.

It is the first derogatory thing that passes your lips when something doesn’t go as planned with someone from the “other side of the state”.

“Damn Herb didn’t bring back my lawnmower like he said he would; #@&* Duck fan, what should I have expected.”

It is stating that your two favorite college football teams are yours and any team playing against your rival that particular Saturday.

It is passion; it is one ideology and way of life versus another.

It is brother against brother.
It is Democrats verses Republicans, Protestants verses Catholics.
It is Oil and Water and Cowboy’s and Indian’s all rolled into one.

They play for an Apple Cup or a Common Wealth Trophy or in a Civil War or in an Egg Bowl but mostly they play for PRIDE.

They come with different mascots, fashions and nicknames, but they all have one thing in common…the quest for Bragging Rights

Nothing is sweeter, nothing lasts as long when you win and no pill is harder to swallow when you are on the “other” side of the score board.

The memories of long ago clashes last forever.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Enjoy your week…..

RTR
MEB

These are what I like to refer to as the “Dog Daze” of College Football when the college football players have yet to report to summer camp and kickoff is still three months away.

It is depressing really, especially when you consider the alternative this time of year for “sports” on television.

CLASSIC POKER: On first glance I thought this was going to be an old grainy adult movie from the 1960′s, but instead I saw a bunch of knuckleheads setting around a table playing cards.
If you find this entertaining, let me be the first to tell you that you don’t have a life.

CLASSIC BOWLING: First things first; Bowling is NOT a sport.
Why do I make such a bold claim?
Simple: If you can wear plaid pants and a funny shirt and drink beer while you are engaged in a particular activity, then it’s not a real sport. (See Golf)

EDITORS NOTE: What’s next “Classic Badminton”?

CRICKET: In the South we don’t play with crickets we fish with them.

LACROSSE: If I wanted to see men in funny shorts chase each other around with fishing nets then I would go to the Pro Bass Tournament in South Alabama, at least alcohol is involved there.

WOMEN’S BEACH VOLLEYBALL: You had me at “women in swim suits”, but the rest of this is just stupid.
It’s like trying to make sense out of watching “Baywatch”.

LUMBERJACK CHAMPIONSHIPS: I hate when ESPN airs these programs! They remind me that I have work to do in the yard instead of watching a replay of the 1992 Sugar Bowl.

HOCKEY: Why would I watch people with a bad dental plan when I just got back from my wife’s family reunion in eastern Kentucky?

SPELLING BEES: Yes, that has actually been shown on ESPN, can you believe it?
What’s next, “Classic Spelling Bee Moments”? God Help us……

PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL: One question; Why does each team have to play 1,625 games in a single season and then STILL have to play a seven game series to determine who the actual Champion is? How long does their season last anyway, eleven and a half months out of the year?

PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL (MEN): You pay players a zillion dollars a year and they can’t hit a foul shot and you expect me to believe this is a “professional” sport?
As to their year long season, please see professional baseball above on schedules and playoff information.

PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL (MEN-LITE): I know that many of you may be outraged by my categorization of these amazons as “men-lite”. The truth is, the only diffrence between them and their more masculine counterparts are somewhat fewer tattoos and a higher percentage of lesbians.

TRACK & FIELD: The only thing more boring than track is field.

THE OLYMPICS: When you have a “committee” that is actually “studying” the possibility of making Poker, Bicycle Jumping and Yoga an Olympic event then you have a bunch of gibbering idiots that wouldn’t know a REAL sport if it tackled them.

Also, do I care that Olympic athlete Chang Wang Woo once had polio and likes Velvetta?
The answer is NO, I do not.

SOCCER: The First Rule of any “Sport” is this: If Frenchmen can play it then it’s NOT a real sport. And before you attack me with “everybody plays soccer” let me say this: If my beloved University has a soccer team I am blissfully unaware.

GOLF: Please See Bowling.

Only 83 Days until Kickoff…..

Remember that today is the Anniversary of the Normandy Invasion: D-Day.
NEVER forget the sacrifice made by our military to secure our freedom yesterday, today and tomorrow.

RTR
MEB