I don’t consider myself to be a gullible person…

But there are times, much like you, when I am susceptible to the occasional story.

Take for example……

Last month I was watching television and I heard the announcer ask…

“Do you have limited mobility?”

I thought, “Yeah I guess so, since my pick-up truck is in the shop for repairs”

Then the unknown voice from beyond asked me…

“Have you fallen in the last six months?”

That was when I remembered falling to my knees and crying like a four year old after I hit my little toe on the corner of the coffee table. I think it was around New Years. It’s like this voice is talking directly to me and I found myself mesmerized and walking ever closer to the television.

Then the voice asked me a final question….

“Would you like to lead a more exciting life?”

“Well hell, who wouldn’t like that!” I said out loud…..

And that was how I wound up with a Rascal electric Scooter in my living room

So with that being said, I understand how people can be misled or grab on to a story and turn it into something that it wasn’t meant to be.

Take for example the latest story that continues to churn the emotions on the loveliest plains of Alabama. I am talking about the poisoning of the Oak trees on Toomer’s Corner.

And as you may have heard or read the accused perpetrator is an Alabama Crimson Tide fan.
Tiger fans are incensed and rightfully so, but the profanity laced tirades I have heard coming from Auburn fans and the out of this world conspiracies are better off left to Charlie Sheen.

The air waves across the state are filled with venom and hatred and ridiculous accusations which are pointed directly at those fans, alumni and supporters of the University of Alabama.

Even The President of Auburn University has gotten in on the act as he called “for restraint during this trying time”.

What are you “Restraining” about? What is this Pearl Harbor to you folks?

Let me explain something and I hope all you Auburn Tiger fans are reading this, because I am going to keep this one real simple.

Just because a nut does something stupid doesn’t mean that everyone was a part of it, or condones such actions.

Take for example…..

In 1989 the Texas Treaty Oak was poisoned in Austin Texas……
Forestry experts estimate the Treaty Oak to be about 500 years old and, before its vandalism, the tree’s branches had a spread of 127 feet. The tree was located in Treaty Oak Park, on Baylor Street between 5th and 6th Streets in Austin Texas.

I don’t know if the guy that poisoned the Texas Treaty Oak was a fan of the Oklahoma Sooners and as I recall nobody in Texas bothered to ask and you want to know why, because he was a freaking nut.

I don’t know if John Hinckley was a Democrat when he shot President Reagan or if he knew that Jodie Foster was a lesbian, but I know that he was and probably still is a nut job.

I don’t think all Auburn students are delusional idiots just because thousands of them rolled the Toomer’s Corner Oaks in 2008 after Barrack Obama won the Presidency. I just think those particular students were and more than likely are still today delusional idiots.

And I didn’t believe two years ago at the Iron Bowl that just because some fans of the Auburn Tigers vandalized a large number of vehicles belonging to fans of the University of Alabama that all Tiger fans, students and alumni are somehow culpable to such wanton stupidity.

And just because the “Right Reverends” Jesse Jackson, Cecil Newton and Al Sharpton are all shakedown artists certainly doesn’t mean all preachers or people of color are bad people.
It just means those three people are.

Have I made my point yet?

If you are so stupid as to believe ALL University of Alabama fans are somehow accountable to this act, then you probably brush your hair and quite possibly your teeth with a garden weasel and should be “restrained”.

Maybe that’s what the Auburn President was referring too?

So with that being said, I don’t have any guilt over the act of this lunatic and I’m not embarrassed by seven degree’s of separation that it was an Alabama fan, anymore than Auburn fans are embarrassed by the lunatic fringe calling for “Alabama Armageddon” over their Toomer’s Oaks being poisoned by this nut bag.

And last but certainly not least…….

I hope and pray that most of you out there are smart enough to realize that the Paul Finebaum’s of the world center their entire careers around making people angry with inflammatory comments and statements, because they aren’t real sports journalist.

The proof of my statement is in the body of their work or lack thereof and if you will take the time to examine what they say and what they write you will see that I am right.

So if you don’t want idiots like that to make you angry and upset you then I have a very simple and effective solution: don’t listen to them and don’t read their articles.

Problem solved.

So whether you are an Auburn Tiger or a fan of whatever, don’t get sucked into listening to something that stirs the emotions and fuels the conspiracy theorist in all of us or you just might end up with an electric scooter in your house and a garden weasel for a tooth brush.

Now if you will excuse me I am going to take my Rascal scooter for a spin into the kitchen for another cold drink.

And as an unrelated side note I have no idea why this thing has a headlight, it’s not like I am going to be taking it out on the interstate.

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Anytime you can begin an article on College Football by quoting the late great Warren Zevon then you have to know you will be going on a ride. This will be one of those times.

Get comfortable if you can and enjoy the trip

Enjoy….

“The floodgates are open
We’ve let the demons loose
The big guns have spoken
And we’ve fallen for the ruse”

“Disorder in the House” – Warren Zevon

Before some of you begin rolling your eyes and saying; “Here he goes again”
Let me begin this commentary with this statement; we have become a nation of imbeciles who can’t or won’t think for ourselves.

EDITORS NOTE: In the context of my last statement I will stick to the topic of college football. I don’t have enough time or energy to discuss that statement in terms of politics and mainstream media but suffice to say the statement fits those parties to a damn tee.
Please continue….

For too many people if ESPN say’s it then it MUST be true.
Conversely if they “don’t” mention it then it must NOT be important.

EDITORS NOTE: I am certainly not referring to my loyal and well informed and educated readership with the above statement. You all are far too sophisticated to fall for such sophomoric shenanigans. So let’s continue….

Before the BCS National Championship game…
ESPN and the NCAA stated emphatically that Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton “was cleared of any wrongdoing” in the Investigation surrounding his Father (The Right Reverend Ceil Newton) of shopping his son’s football services to at least one university.

Despite the fact the NCAA “rules” state the following…..

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

And of course prior to the above announcement
(I apologize in advance for the Freudian slip)……
ESPN and the NCAA stated emphatically that Ohio State Buckeye Quarterback Terrell Pryor
and his tattoo loving teammates would be punished “next” year for offenses that occurred “this” past season.

It seems that no one wants to report that honesty; integrity and hard work in college football have been replaced with big money, bribes and back room deals. And to make matters even worse (if that’s possible) it seems too many of us don’t seem to care either as long as “we get ours”.
Does that sound familiar?

I am not so naïve as to believe that back room deals and big money haven’t always been a big part of college football. After all, I remember Coach Bryant and the University of Alabama getting screwed out of both the 1966 and 1977 National Championships.

But when the NCAA makes a statement defending their decisions by stating:
“The NCAA defended its recent rulings in violations cases involving Ohio State and Auburn, saying it does not play favorites or make decisions based on financial considerations.”

With an opening statement like that and ESPN, CBS and Fox Sports don’t jump on it with both feet?
No commentaries on the NCAA statement, nothing?
Instead we are treated with talking heads from the above networks playing to the “party line” and quickly moving on to another subject. And we are supposed to believe that garbage?
We don’t or can’t think for ourselves anymore? Is that where we are today?

“The floodgates are open
We’ve let the demons loose
The big guns have spoken
And we’ve fallen for the ruse”

“Disorder in the House” – Warren Zevon

“The NCAA doesn’t play favorites or make decisions based on financial considerations.”
R-E-A-L-L-Y?

So theoretically speaking…..
If Cam Newton and Terrell Pryor would have been suspended for the respective games we (the public) are too believe that viewership and sponsorship would have been the same as well as the final outcomes of the games? We aren’t that damn stupid are we?

And adding insult to injury….
It was insulting (or should have been to you) for the Sugar Bowl to name Terrell Pryor MVP of the game, when he shouldn’t have been allowed to suit up in the first place.

This was done in an effort to add legitimacy to an illegal and illegitimate act and make the public “believe”.

Then the NCAA stated…..
“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another.
Any insinuation that revenue from bowl games in particular would influence NCAA decisions is absurd, because schools and conferences receive that revenue, not the NCAA.”

Money isn’t a motivating factor? And we are expected to believe that one, really?
I got news for you; money is a damn motivating factor in “everything”.

And to prove my point…..
The NCAA gets a cut of every ticket, officially licensed merchandise, television revenue and lets don’t forget selling the “amateur” student –athlete’s image to video game companies for millions of dollars.

Therein lies the problem, underneath it all there is greed.

The good people at Auburn have stood by for years and let University Trustee Bobby “I have more money than God” Lowder run roughshod over school administrators and athletic directors alike in a quest to satisfy his obsession to best the University of Alabama and garner national attention for the Tiger athletic programs. Those few brave souls who have spoken up have been run out of Auburn on a rail by Bobby and his gaggle of idiots.

And there are those college football fans and alumni that don’t care what they have to do to win, as long as they win. They are the same ones that don’t want to believe what I am writing….

They are the same ones that point fingers at other programs….

They sound like so many others that have sold their collective souls to “win” at all costs.

They sound like some Southern California Trojan fans a couple of years ago….

They sound like some Tennessee Volunteer fans under the Fat Phil Era….

You can say it isn’t so War Eagle faithful, but in your hearts you know it’s true.

Paid players and thugs roamed the campus while never visiting a classroom, while off the field incidents and other crimes and misdemeanors never see the headlines or light of day.
Sound familiar?

So to paraphrase Warren Zevon
“Now that the flood gates have opened and we’ve let the demons loose and the big guns have spoken”….Have you all fallen for the ruse?

The reason I ask is this……
Immediately following the BCS Championship game………
Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton’s Father (The Right Reverend Ceil Newton) was seen hugging his son in a throng of fans in a touching moment of love between a devoted father and son.

So what’s the problem with that you may ask?
Here you go….

Auburn Athletics Director Jay Jacobs said that Cam Newton’s father (The Right Reverend Ceil Newton) did not go against a mutual agreement with the school by appearing after the BCS Championship Game.

“My understanding is he actually came in after the game was over for the celebration,” Jacobs said. “Now, I haven’t spoken to Mr. Newton. But based on what his attorney said, that’s my understanding. As far as I’m concerned, he didn’t go against anything we mutually agreed upon.”

EDITORS NOTE: The reason I raise the question of the validity of this statement is simply this: You cannot enter or reenter the stadium without “special” permission from either the Bowl, the respective universities, conferences or the NCAA. So who gave the Right Reverend Ceil Newton “special” permission to enter the stadium in the first place?

The “mutual agreement” the Auburn Athletic Director mentioned in the above statement was this: as punishment for Cecil Newton soliciting money from Mississippi State for his son to play there, the NCAA announced in December that Auburn had limited Cecil’s access around the program. Auburn has never publicly defined what the limited access means.

EDITORS NOTE: So Auburn can’t define what “limited access” means? And the NCAA doesn’t require Auburn to define it either? Interesting, wouldn’t you say?
Assuming by the picture “limited access” includes frequent visits and photo opportunities in the Tiger locker room.

Now on the day of the BCS Championship Game, Jacobs told The Associated Press that Cecil would not be in attendance. The decision was “mutually agreed upon,” Jacobs said then. “Out of the highest respect that Cecil has for Cameron, he won’t be here today.”

EDITORS NOTE: May we then assume that the Right Reverend Ceil Newton miracled his ass to Arizona from Georgia? Or did someone (Trustee Bobby or another “booster”) fly the Right Reverend Ceil Newton to Arizona?

So the world shared the touching moment as Cecil and Cam shared a hug in the stadium after the game. Cecil’s attorney later told USA Today that Cecil watched the game off-site and came to the stadium for the celebration, but couldn’t say how Cecil got in.

EDITORS NOTE: I vote for “miracled his ass” to Arizona from Georgia
(I bet the NCAA would buy that theory too)

“I would imagine, just like at our place, when the game is over the door is open and there you go,” Jacobs said Thursday. “I don’t have any idea.”
Jacobs said he is not surprised Cecil’s presence turned into a national discussion.
“Because if people thought he was at the game and we all had agreed that wouldn’t happen, it stands to reason it would blow up,” Jacobs said. “Anyway, best of luck to him.”
Jacobs declined to comment on the status of the NCAA investigation into Newton’s recruitment.

EDITORS NOTE: Wait, I thought the NCAA cleared Cammy Cam of any wrong doing?
So why won’t the Auburn athletic director just repeat the same worn out phrase that the “NCAA cleared Cam Newton and Auburn of any wrong doing”.

My friends it’s gets back to what I was saying…..
“Have you all fallen for the ruse?”

So on the eve of what was once a real Super Bowl between two professional football teams but has instead been biodegraded into the “Two hand Touch, don’t smack me in the face, argue every call and instant replay something to death while nobody has to wear knee or thigh pads because you can’t touch me there, Super Bowl”
I want to leave you with another line from Warren Zevon….

“It’s the home of the brave and the land of the free
Where the less you know the better off you’ll be”
“Disorder in the House” – Warren Zevon

So I ask you all…..
Do you all want to continue to bury your heads in the sand and pretend that “it’s all good as long as you get yours”? Or do you want to return integrity back to college football?

Then it’s time to succeed from the NCAA…..
It’s just that simple….

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

There is some recent news from the NCAA “defending” their decisions concerning Cam Newton of Auburn and the players with Ohio State University that are to be punished next year for this year’s offenses.

I know the legal speak can be difficult to understand.
That’s why you have your Favorite College Football Prognosticator….

I will guide you through what they are saying….

Enjoy and Happy New Year

By The Associated Press

The NCAA defended its recent rulings in violations cases involving Ohio State and Auburn, saying it does not play favorites or make decisions based on financial considerations.

EDITORS NOTES: Before I explain the NCAA statement, I have on good authority the entire message was delivered by the NCAA in a lead proof bunker, as they were concerned with such blatant lies that the entire staff could be struck at anytime by lightning.

“Doesn’t play favorites”? Seriously? Then explain the Reggie Bush investigation?
If they don’t make decisions based on “Financial Considerations”, then why does the Harvard School of Business rate the NCAA as the Number One monopoly in this country ahead of Microsoft?
It’s because it’s ALL about the money.

How much money does the NCAA make with EA Sports alone on the player’s likeness for video games, yet doesn’t feel obligated to share any of the revenues with the players themselves.

In fact they make so many billions (yes, I said Billions) of dollars the NCAA cannot produce a financial report of any note detailing where and how much revenue they accumulate

The NCAA Statement continues…

The NCAA posted a statement on its website Wednesday responding to critics. It says “the notion that the NCAA is selective with its eligibility decisions and rules enforcement is another myth with no basis in fact.

EDITORS NOTES: Myth? So we are supposed to believe the NCAA isn’t selective in their enforcements? Really?

Well here are a few facts for you Jackass……

Not that long ago…..
Florida State University was forced to forfeit games and relinquish scholarships because of an academic scandal, yet these same offenses were committed by other programs and they didn’t receive any punishment near as harsh as the one leveled against the Seminoles.

The North Carolina Tar Heels had a number of players ruled in eligible prior to the opening game of the season for offenses they committed prior to the season. Other teams were forced to do the same by the NCAA, yet offenses “did” take place this year by the Ohio State Buckeyes and they are allowed to play in “this” years bowl game.

The University of Alabama was placed on probation by the NCAA and threatened with the “Death Penalty” over the Albert Means Investigation. Yet, even in Federal Court, there was no evidence to support that any money was exchanged or any offense had taken place. The NCAA found Alabama guilty even as they said “You have done everything right and dotted all the “I’s” and crossed all the “T’s”, and there is nothing more you (Alabama) as an institution could have done. We are still finding you guilty.”

Then we have…..

The Reggie Bush investigation…..
It took you dumbasses at the NCAA FIVE years to find Reggie’s Momma’s house?

Then there was Southern Cal Trojan Dwayne Jarrett….
Who the NCAA said “he didn’t know he had to pay $4500.00 month in rent for his apartment”

The Right Reverend Cecil Newton lied about trying to sell Cam Newton’s services to Mississippi State and we are to believe he didn’t sell his services elsewhere?

I think I have made my point….

Yeah, I would say they are pretty damn selective with eligibility decisions and rules enforcement and that is no myth.

The NCAA Statement continues…

“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another. Any insinuation that revenue from bowl games in particular would influence NCAA decisions is absurd, because schools and conferences receive that revenue, not the NCAA.”

EDITORS NOTES: Hey Pinocchio, you really expect us to believe money isn’t a motivating factor for the NCAA? The NCAA gets a cut off every T-shirt, hat, football game, television revenue, bowl game and video game. I honestly don’t know which is more insulting….
When the NCAA says “money isn’t a motivating factor” or when they say “We care about the student athlete’s education”

The NCAA Statement continues…

Last week, the NCAA suspended five Ohio State players for five games next season for selling their championship rings, trophies and other memorabilia items, but is allowing them to play in the upcoming Sugar Bowl.
Before the NCAA handed down its penalties, Ohio State officials informed Sugar Bowl organizers that the school was lobbying for the players to be eligible for the Jan. 4 game.
Sugar Bowl executive director Paul Hoolahan told The Columbus Dispatch that he encouraged Ohio State officials to push for the players to be allowed to play against Arkansas.
“I made the point that anything that could be done to preserve the integrity of this year’s game, we would greatly appreciate it,” Hoolahan was quoted was saying in Wednesday’s editions of the newspaper. “That appeal did not fall on deaf ears, and I’m extremely excited about it, that the Buckeyes are coming in at full strength and with no dilution.”

EDITORS NOTES: Integrity? Anytime one of these talking heads starts talking about “Integrity” it’s like asking a prostitute about virginity.

The NCAA Statement continues…

Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long told the AP he had no problem with Hoolahan looking out for the Sugar Bowl.
“He’s the leader of the Sugar Bowl and probably needs to do that,” Long said. “I also don’t think that his lobbying, so to speak, would carry a whole lot of weight with the NCAA when they make their decisions. I don’t mean that with any disrespect to Paul Hoolahan, but I would be surprised if the NCAA took that into consideration when making their decision.”

Last month, the NCAA did not punish Auburn quarterback Cam Newton, even though it ruled his father had solicited money from Mississippi State while that school was recruiting his son.

EDITORS NOTES: You aren’t interested in my opinion here on the Cam Newton “situation” and the NCAA already stated earlier and I quote:

“The NCAA posted a statement on its website Wednesday responding to critics. It says “the notion that the NCAA is selective with its eligibility decisions and rules enforcement is another myth with no basis in fact.”

So let’s go to the rule book shall we, and it states:

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

Need I say more?

The NCAA Statement continues…

In the Ohio State case, the NCAA said players — including quarterback Terrelle Pryor and three other starters — had been inadequately educated about the rules and that was a mitigating factor in the case. The NCAA reiterated that point in its statement Wednesday.

EDITORS NOTES: Inadequately educated? Aren’t these boys in college?
Or do they mean like when Southern Cal Trojan Dwayne Jarrett didn’t know he had to pay rent?

It also said bowl games, the postseason and NCAA championships are evaluated differently when determining a student-athletes’ punishment.

EDITORS NOTES: Didn’t the NCAA just contradict their earlier statement on consistency?
Yes, yes they most certainly did………..

The NCAA Statement continues…

“This policy was developed and implemented by the Division I membership, specifically the Division I Committee on Student-Athlete Reinstatement and approved by the Division I Academics/Eligibility/Compliance Cabinet, in 2004,” the statement said.
In the Newton case, the Heisman Trophy winner was allowed to continue playing because there was no evidence that he or Auburn knew about Cecil Newton’s attempts to get Mississippi State to pay $180,000 for his son’s commitment out of junior college.
The NCAA said Wednesday that efforts are being made to strengthen rules “when benefits or money are solicited (but not received).”

EDITORS NOTES: “No Evidence”?
Where does the NCAA get their “investigators” from, Aruba?

“Put simply, had Cam Newton’s father or a third party actually received money or benefits for his recruitment, Cam Newton would have been declared ineligible regardless of his lack of knowledge,” the NCAA said.

EDITORS NOTES: Really, but the rule clearly states……

“If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said…..

Auburn, Alabama

And if you are wondering how Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton spent the Holiday’s
(I know I am…)
Here you go…..

Newton served food to homeless for Christmas

AUBURN, Ala. — Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton spent part of Christmas Day dishing out green beans. Or “Santa beans” as he called them. Cam went on to say….
“See, I call them Santa beans cause it’s like you know, Santa’s Birf-day or something.”

The Auburn quarterback said Wednesday he spent about two hours at Turner Field in Atlanta serving homeless people for Hosea Feed the Hungry, a nonprofit organization affiliated with the Martin Luther King Jr. People’s Church of Love.

Newton says he posed for some pictures but for the most part “had to step outside of Cam Newton the athlete and step into Cam Newton the human being and the person that is very caring, you know cause most of de time I care about me, you know not other peoples. Also I like talking bout me in da third person, it make me sound smart.”

He says it was an “eye-opener” and something he wants to do again soon.
Newton says the trip home to Atlanta was nice after a whirlwind when he won the Heisman and the Davey O’Brien and Maxwell awards.

He says his family won’t let all that get to him or as the Auburn Quarterback stated….
“They won’t let it get to me cause they be taken some of it for themselves”

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We have reached the end of the 2010 College Football Season….

In this last edition will have end of the Season Emails…..

A New Year’s message or two….

And the last segment of the 2010 Bowl Predictions…

To include the BCS National Championship game…

Thank you all for coming along for the ride this year…
I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you.

Enjoy….

END OF YEAR EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Hey Mister Wizard, I know Christmas is over (Merry Christmas by the way) but my family and I made a trip to Dollywood and seen the “Nutcracker”, it was a hell of a thing to watch!
If you ever get the chance you need to go see it!
Thanks for all the picks this year, we sure enjoyed them!
The Davis family – Union City, Tennessee

A: Thank you Davis family, for those kind words, however…
I refuse to see the “Nutcracker” because it makes me uncomfortable for reasons that should be abundantly obvious. In fact I am feeling uncomfortable right now writing about it…

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –
Your description of esteemed Auburn University Trustee Bobby Lowder is inaccurate and offensive.
He is not a dictator nor is he some maniacal power hungry lunatic!

Sure he has fired an editor of the Auburn student newspaper, but it didn’t have ANYTHING to do with an article about him, hardly, it was because the kid had acne and grossed people out.

He not only is the PRESIDENT of Colonial Bank (Ever heard of it?) but he is also one of the nicest people on the planet. Sure he has fired coaches and hired others without the consent of the University, BIG DEAL!
He knows what is best for Auburn University, NOT YOU!

So what if he still pays coach’s NOT to coach, we have jobs for them like calling Bo Jackson to wake him up in the morning, so how about just shutting up about it!

Mr. Lowder is the kind of man that really cares about the student athletes at Auburn University!
If some football player from a disadvantaged home who just happened to have a father that is a Preacher and they get some “help” from Colonial Bank on a no interest loan that they know he won’t ever pay back and then they can just write it off, SO WHAT?

It’s none of your War Damn Eagle business

Sincerely,

Lobby Bowder – Auburn, Alabama

A: I can smell your fear from here “Lobby”….
I’m coming for you big boy…

Q: Dear Sir –
I have a problem and I hope you can help me.
My neighbors are “Tennessee Fans” and their children came out of the house on Christmas morning, wearing these horrible, glow in the dark (God awful!) orange clothes that were clearly given to them for Christmas by their parents.
Should I say something to their parents?

Charlotte – Columbia, South Carolina

A: Charlotte under no circumstances should you say anything to the parents.
The next time you see the children outside in such garb, immediately call child protective services.
That constitutes child abuse…..
Same can be said if a child is wearing Michigan Wolverine clothing….

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
I was downright afraid after I read what Hootie Snitch wrote about Fulmer Claus coming into your house for Christmas! Now I ain’t completely sure but I think he may have snuck in our trailer house after we went to sleep.
Is there a sign or something that would tell me that Fulmer Claus was in our house?
Thanks and a Big Ole War Dam Eagle to you and Yours!

Chip and Susan – Opelika, Alabama

A: There are two signs actually Chip….
Your dog is pregnant and there are orange boogers on the couch….
The good news is the orange boogers should fit nicely with the rest of your décor….

Q: Mister Wizard –
First we want to thank you for a year of prognostications and humor!
Secondly I was wondering if you could settle a bet in our family this Christmas.
What is your favorite Christmas movie? Is it “It’s a Wonderful Life” or is it “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase? (Those are the two choices we came up with)
Can you settle the bet for us; a fruit cake hangs in the balance.

The Roger’s Family – Little Rock, Arkansas

A: Thank you for the kind and generous words Roger’s Family….
However….
My two favorite Holiday Classics are Billy Jack and Lone Wolf McQuade with Chuck Norris.
I believe if Chuck Norris would have roundhouse kicked Mr. Potter in the first ten seconds of “It’s a Wonderful Life” there wouldn’t have been any need for Clarence the Angel to go through that nut roll to get his wings.

Q: Dear Sir –
I am somewhat surprised that a Neanderthal such as yourself and being a Marine as well, that you haven’t mentioned a word about the President eliminating the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy” from the Armed Forces. This is a glorious day in our country when homosexuals can proudly come out of the closet and into the mainstream of the military and I am perplexed as to your lack of commenting.
We were all expecting some kind of crude, childish sophomoric remarks from you.

Claire “Butch” Dykeson
Gay and Lesbian Coalition, San Francisco California

A: On the contrary Claire…..
I too am greatly encouraged.
Since the Government has decided to turn our once proud military into a perverted social experiment, It has motivated me to push legislation to end the worst of all injustices in our society today….
That’s right….
I am talking about not allowing blind people to operate heavy equipment, such as cranes and wrecking balls. The policy known as “If you can’t see, you can’t drive” has discriminated against blind people for decades. You may say; “what if they strike the wrong building with a wrecking ball?” And to that I say, you can put a price on a building but you can’t put a price on injustice.
I say end the discrimination and let blind people operate heavy equipment.

Makes sense, right?

NEW YEAR MESSAGE FROM HOOTIE SNITCH

First things First…..
Hope yawl all had a Very Merry Christmas…..

Because you better get ready…..

Cause in 2011 the Tennessee Volunteers are fixing to be Number Damn One!

So Happy New Year Yawl!
GO VOLS!

Hootie – Out!

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS FOR THE NEW YEAR
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

I was a thinking the other day and I wrote me a little poem about all the things been going on.

Here it goes….

Ah’s out by the pond, with an ice cold beer
Sippin dat brew, got a fish on da line.
Ah was thankin bout thangs, Ah saw on TV
On my old black and white, yeah, it suited me.

See they was a thang, on tha’ Eee-Ess-Pee-EeN
Said some Ohia State players, was guilty as sin.
Them boys took ‘em some britches, and trinkets and thangs
And sold ‘em all off, for what money they’d brang.

And ah got ta thankin bout the EN-Cee-A-A
And wonderin’ what kinda B.S., they was gon’ say.
Cause I member back, a couple a months
Bout that boy Cam, and some a his stunts.

Ole, Cam’s a big boy, he’s a helluba playa
Wore out dem Game-Cocks, ran ober a Gata.
But what stuck in my craw, was fore he came a Tiger
His daddy, a preacher, came off like a liar.

See there was some folks, from Miss’ssippi State
They wanted him bad, so he’d change their fate.
But HIS daddy Cecil, dat ole preacher man,
Was gon’ make ‘em pay, he wanted a few grand.

But he didn’t end up playin, over in Stark-ville
He signed with Auburn, gave them folks a thrill.
Now that left me thankin’, and scratchin my head,
How THEY got that boy, with no money bein’ shed.

But somebody got sump’in, ole Cecil cashed in.
Cause his church was in shambles, about to cave in.
But all of a sudden, ‘round first of the year,
His buildin’ was fixed up, all the church folks did cheer.

This whole situation, it stunk like a deuce,
Cause half the damn countrys, drankin’ Cammy Cam Juice.
One day he’s suspended, then one day he’s right back,
N-C-double-A, must’ve been high on crack.

They said that ole Cam, didn’t know what’s goin’ on
That his daddy’s at fault, just him that done wrong.
But the rules that they have, say any relation,
If they’s doin’ wrong, is gonna face some damnation.

So that arr’gant young buck, he got out and he played
Auburn climbed to Number one, and that’s where they stayed.
Gonna play Or’gon Quacks, gonna have a big bash,
Cause them College rules folks, all they want is cash.

So I scratched my head, right down to my scalp,
This whole situation, it aint worth a crap,
Cause what them college folks done, had no rhyme or no reason,
They need investigatin’, for fixin’ a season.

THE BOWL GAMES (PART II)

December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Forth Worth, Texas
Southern Methodist and Army
You are probably wondering why there is no security alerts issued for this game….
That there is no reported terrorist activity in the Fort Worth area…..
The answer is simple….
Chuck Norris lives near Fort Worth….

This one is for Dandy Don Meredith, the Mighty Mustang….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Bronx, New York
Kansas State and Syracuse
This Bowl Game in the “Bronx” in December….
(How damn stupid is that…)
Was originally called the “Car Jack Bowl”
Which is far more appropriate than naming a Bowl game after a type of suit…
WILDCATS 24-21

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Nashville, Tennessee
North Carolina and Tennessee
This Bowl game is sponsored by a mortgage company?
Well, you know what that means….
The winner gets a trophy….
And the loser losses a house….
VOWELS 33-28

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl
San Diego, California
Nebraska and Washington
At first I thought the name of this Bowl game was a joke….
“Education” in California…..
They can’t balance the state’s budget because they are broke (Math)
They have a Governor that can’t speak English (Public Speaking)
A lot of people in the state are there illegally and can’t or won’t speak or write English rendering them illiterate (Writing)
The latest poll in Los Angles says that a preponderance of people there still think O.J. Simpson is innocent of the Murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman (Mental Retardation)
And if you ever took the time to read a California High School History book, let me break it down for you….America sucks and it’s all Whiteys fault.
Education in California….
That is a joke…

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-21

December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Charlotte, North Carolina
Clemson and South Florida
I have a question concerning this sponsorship..
Who is this Jewish guy and why does he care about your car?
DABO’S TIGERS 33-17

Hyundai Sun Bowl
El Paso, Texas
Miami and Notre Dame
There was a time this was one hell of a game….
But it’s not that time…
HURRICANES 28-24

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Memphis, Tennessee
Central Florida and Georgia
I like Memphis, maybe because I’m an Elvis man…
Thank you, thank you very much…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Atlanta, Georgia
Florida State and South Carolina
I have gotten a number of emails from both camps concerning this Bowl.
Here is the question that will determine the course of the game.
Which Garcia is going to show up for the Bowl game?
Here is your answer….
SEMINOLES 31-21

January 1st 2011

TicketCity Bowl
Dallas, Texas
Northwestern and Texas Tech
I cannot in good conscience support a Bowl game when the sponsors don’t even know where the damn game is being played. The game is in DALLAS, not TicketCity (Which I think is a speed trap outside of Nashville, Tennessee)
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 31-28

Outback Bowl
Tampa, Florida
Penn State and Florida
Joe Pa’s Lions are better on paper….
But this is Urban’s last game as a Gator…
And it won’t be played on paper
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

Capital One Bowl
Orlando, Florida
Michigan State and Alabama
The Co-Big Ten Champion against the 2009 National Champions
It’s going to be a heck of a game
CRIMSON TIDE 34-24

Gator Bowl
Jacksonville, Florida
Michigan and Mississippi State
The City of Jacksonville, Florida wisely passed an ordinance when they realized the Michigan Wolverines were invited to the Bowl game. It is illegal for Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita to appear on any Jacksonville beaches in anything other than a NASA space suit.
Wise move….
BULLY DOGS 31-28

Rose Bowl game presented by VIZIO
Pasadena, California
Wisconsin and Texas Christian
This is a must see game between two outstanding programs…
I’m just not sure why a Japanese guy is presenting it….
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 28-24

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Glendale, Arizona
Oklahoma and Connecticut
The Boys from Connecticut are going to be introduced to…
A Oklahoma Ass Whipping..
Believe it
BOOMER SOONERS 43-17

January 3rd 2011

Discover Orange Bowl
Miami, Florida
Virginia Tech and Stanford
The Cardinal has too much Luck for the Fighting Turkeys
CARDINAL 38-21

January 4th 2011

Allstate Sugar Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Arkansas and Ohio State
Everyone is picking the Buckeyes in this one…
Except me
HAWGS 31-24

January 6th 2011

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Mobile, Alabama
Miami (OH) and Middle Tennessee State
I dearly love Mobile and I would like to be in the Flora-Bama Lounge as your reading this…
However, what the hell are they doing scheduling this game the day after the Sugar Bowl?
I don’t get it…
REDHAWKS 34-17

January 7th 2011

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Arlington, Texas
Texas A&M and LSU
Before I make my selection here…..
It’s important to note that Jerry “dumbass” Jones helped move the Cotton Bowl from Dallas (Where God Almighty intended it to be, Amen) to his stadium in Arlington where the Cowboys play. I have on good authority that is why God is punishing the Cowboys and preventing them from going to the playoffs. Amen
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-21

January 8th 2011

BBVA Compass Bowl
Birmingham, Alabama
Pittsburgh and Kentucky
I am all too familiar with the litany of acronyms across the military spectrum.
However, it confounds me as to why the maker of a compass has to put his initials in front of it.
Never mind…
JOKERS CATS 28-17

January 9th 2011

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
San Francisco, California
Boston College and Nevada
If “Kraft” really wanted to “Fight” hunger they would make those individually wrapped cheese slices easier to unwrap. Why the hell do those things have to be child proof anyway?
Its Cheese damn it.
PACK OF WOLVES 34-17

January 10th 2011

Tostitos BCS National Championship Game
Glendale, Arizona
Auburn and Oregon
No one is really talking about Oregon…..
Which traditionally isn’t a good sign for the favored team
However, I am going with the Southeastern Conference in this one…
And the best player money could buy.
WAR DAMN EAGLES 38-34

2010 Post Season……

I want to thank you all for reading my Prognostications and Diatribes this Season and I’ve enjoyed your comments both good and not-so-good, they keep me honest. I will have periodic updates up until the BCS National Championship game and there will be a post game review of the festivities. So stay tuned.
But before I depart I wanted to leave you all with a traditional greeting from my home country…
Happy New Year…..

Click here to view the embedded video.

God Bless you all and thank you again for reading.

ROLL TIDE
THE CFB WIZARD

(AP) Auburn, Alabama…

It has been reported that Auburn quarterback Cam Newton found “yet another” bag of cash in his locker today after practice, just the latest awesome gift he has received via the “Auburn football Secret Santa gift exchange”.

“Dis is a great program. A program, dat supports its af-lettes,” said Newton. “Like you know, them other schools have Secret Santa’s, but the thing that’s great about ours is it’s like dis year-round. In fact, I’ve been getting me gifts since the day I walked in here.”

Most of the cash, goods, electronics and services Newton has been given have had no Christmas markings at all. Which lead the Auburn quarterback to only one conclusion….

“Auburn has them some elfs that be working on the af-lettic department. I know dat Mister Lowder runs dis place and even though he don’t look like Santa, he knows how to deliver the goodies” said Newton. “That’s why he be changing things up like that. You know, sometimes he’ll just have a booster, (I mean elf) hand me an envelope of cash to confuse me even more.”

Cam went on to give encouragement to Auburn fans and about his future in College Football…
“You know with the salary cap in pro football and all, I figured I could make mo money here next year, I mean, why take a pay cut am I right? So I am thinking about staying fo one mo year”

While Newton has received some of his Secret Santa gifts directly, others have been funneled first through his father, the Rev. Cecil Newton.

“As a Reverend and a man of the cloth, I know many things about the Holy Christmas holiday,” said Rev. Newton. “So I can say, for example, that a gift of an iPad with 3G and Wi-Fi is more appropriate than one with just Wi-Fi or just a regular iPod. In other words a Mercedes is better than a Buick, if you catch my meaning. The Lord loves a cheerful giver.”

The Heisman-winning quarterback says he has also been a generous Secret Santa himself.
“I didn’t sign up for the program, but I sort of see Auburn University as my Secret Santa, you know like I’m paying it backwards or something,” he said. “I’ve earned them millions and millions and millions of dollars this year. You’re welcome, Auburn. Don’t spend it all in one place.”

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s Christmas Eve and this is a story that is familiar to many of you…..

For others it may be the first time reading it

I sent this out last year and so many of you loved it that I decided to send it out again.

It means a lot to me

Call it our little College Football Wizard Christmas Tradition…

I bring you this story of the first Christmas I can remember….

I hope it touches your heart and motivates you to help the helpless..

I hope you enjoy it and I want to wish you all…..

A Very Merry Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year….

Enjoy….

CHRISTMAS ON OUTER DRIVE

It was Christmas 1962, when America didn’t have a clue what a Vietnam was
and most women were more concerned about which hat Jackie would wear during the holidays than they were about world politics.

Even at the ripe old age of four this wonderful foster family provided by the state that was kind enough to explain to me that Santa Claus…
Ole Saint Nick to you and me, didn’t visit children without a mommy and daddy.
Those were the “bad” children; that’s why their mommies and daddies left them with the state.

Made sense to me at the time; so, it goes without saying that my expectations were not very high this holiday season.

Imagine my surprise when Miss Connie, who lived next door in the duplex……
told me that she was “sure” that Santa was going to drop off a present for me at her house.
She would bring it over to me on Christmas day. What? Could this be true?
I couldn’t hide my excitement or stop talking about Santa’s generosity.

The whole concept of Santa Claus was beyond my ability to comprehend.
But yet, I was able to grasp the idea of a “special” gift created just for me and built by elf’s working at union wage at the North Pole.
Go figure.

I have been exposed to various family Christmas traditions throughout my extensive tour of state homes over the years before I had grown up.
However, this particular family enjoyed opening a variety of packages on Christmas Eve and saving a select few……
Along with Santa’s delivery, to open on Christmas morning.

On this Christmas Eve I was a very disinterested observer.
Despite the fact I wasn’t going to get any gifts, after all it was pointed out in advance, that “taking me in” and feeding me was “gift enough”.
I wanted to speed up the whole process; move on to Christmas morning…..
So I could get whatever wonderful item Santa would leave me at Miss Connie and Mister Ken’s house.
Could you blame me?

I remember these events with perfect clarity, recalling the scents and colors of the scene around me.
I can recall the feeling of unbridled enthusiasm of Santa’s impending arrival and the personal torment of a child wondering what he had done to make his parents not want him.

But I need to get back to the subject.
Somewhere during the course of the evening with my foster family……..
With the sound of tearing wrapping paper and empty boxes mixed with the laughter of the adults and their biological child, underneath the shimmering Christmas tree,,,,,
I took it upon myself to commit the ultimate breach in Christmas etiquette.

I was entrusted with prior knowledge of a special gift intended for the master of the house.
As he ever so slowly began the process of unwrapping his “special” gift…..
He also, began the “What did you get me?” game, which I was totally unfamiliar with at this particular time.

I cannot recall if I was exasperated with the speed of the deliberations
or I was attempting to be helpful with the questions from the master of the house.
It may have been a combination of the two.
But regardless of my reasoning….
During the guessing game conducted by the master of the house with his “real” family,
I suddenly and without warning blurted out, “It’s a Tool Box”.

It was as if someone pulled the plug to the volume control.
I have never heard a room go from the bustle and excitement of Christmas, with the tearing of packages and all the electricity that comes with the moment….
To complete silence in a micro second.

I was now the total focus of everyone’s attention.
Which is never a good thing.

Total disgust from the gallery of observers was matched by the murderous expression displayed by the man of the house.
He slowly stood from his chair, stepping over the remnants of packages and his “tool box”.
The only sound I heard were his feet making contact with several pieces of wrapping paper.

He made approximately four strides that seem to take forever to complete in my minds eye.
He bent slowly, until our nose’s nearly touched.
I can smell the spent Pall-Mall’s on his breathe and the sticky sweet smell of, what I now recognize as, Southern Comfort.
Daniel in the Lions Den had nothing on me……

Between clenched teeth he told me that I had ruined Christmas for the whole family.
To be honest, I had figured that much out on my own at this point.
However what I did not anticipate, which to this day baffles me…..
Particularly considering my highly evolved survival skills, is what transpired next.

He struck me so fast on my face with his open hand that I wasn’t quite sure that I had been hit.
However, all doubt left my mind when my buttocks and shoulders made contact with the floor.
I remember the embarrassment of being knocked down, as opposed to the pain of the blow.
It’s funny what you remember sometimes…..

I immediately rolled my body into a ball, in anticipation of being kicked and I wasn’t disappointed.
Fortunately, he was barefooted and didn’t put a lot into it, or use his heel.
After a couple of kicks in quick succession I was told to get up and go to bed, while the rest of the “real” family continued with their holiday celebrations.

Excitement overshadowed any pain that I may have experienced thinking about Santa’s subsequent arrival ….
And my gift to be left with Miss Connie and I drifted off to sleep.
I woke before dawn on Christmas morning.

I remember pacing frantically in my little room and trying not to wake anyone in the house.

I didn’t want to wait for Miss Connie or Mister Ken to bring Santa’s gift to me.
As soon as I knew they were awake I would knock on the door and inquire about Santa’s visit the following evening (I had a plan)

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long for my plan to go into action.
Shortly after the sun came up I smelled two very important and familiar items that Christmas morning.
I smelled Miss Connie’s coffee pot and Mister Ken’s pipe.

Already, in my overalls, I slipped on my boots and quietly made my way out of the duplex to their front door.
Once I was at the front door, I suddenly lost my nerve and found that I couldn’t knock.
I was afraid of disappointment or maybe I was just plain scared, I really don’t remember.

Good fortune was mine this day…..
As I was turning to leave, Mister Ken; God bless him, opened the door…..
And said something about hearing shuffling on the porch, and invited me in to the wonderful smell of Miss Connie’s pancakes.

I soon found myself eating like I was going to the electric chair.
The exquisite taste of those pancakes, mixed with melted butter and maple syrup, washed down with ice cold milk made me momentarily forget all about gifts, packages or Santa.

Miss Connie and Mister Ken had already raised three boys by the time of this story and missed the sounds of boys in their house.
I was always welcome in their modest home and felt warm and safe in their presence.
I don’t think I ever left their house when I wasn’t still chewing some marvelous delight prepared by Miss Connie.

While I was digging into my second helping of pancakes with Mister Ken asking me if I had seen Bart Starr and the Green Bay Packers on the television set..
Miss Connie interrupted and explained that they had found a gift with my name on it, under their tree for me this morning.
Before I had a chance to finish chewing, she had set the gift down on the table next to me.

The paper and ribbon were magnificent.
I had never seen such a package.
Smiling broadly, they encouraged me to go ahead and open it.
With maple syrup on my face and hands I began to tear into “my” package.
I started pealing the paper, and next I broke the seal on the box encasing my Christmas surprise.

Inside the package was a plastic bag holding some one hundred plastic soldiers and the top of the bag was advertising the popular television program “Combat”.
There was an American jeep and a German pillbox in the bag as well.

This was beyond my wildest expectations!
I jumped up from the table hugging them both as tightly as I could and asked them to please thank Santa for me.
I have never received a better gift anytime in my life.

I will never forget that gift, the kindness of those two people, or that particular Christmas on Outer Drive.
In time, I moved on to a series of state homes, and Miss Connie and Mister Ken were to lose their oldest son Jerry, in Vietnam.
But this moment for me is frozen in time.

It doesn’t take much effort to create a memory for someone who doesn’t have much hope.
Take the opportunity to bring a little hope to someone this Christmas season, create a smile or generate laughter in those who need it the most.

Merry Christmas

Post script…

This story is for Connie and Ken who have gone on to meet the Lord.
Two sweeter or loving people have never walked this earth.
They provided a poor child with love and care that will never be forgotten.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2010

RTR
MEB

This past Saturday the Mighty Fighting Okra fell to Minnesota Duluth for the Division II College National Championship.
That game was played on the University of North Alabama Lions football field in Florence, Alabama.

I mention this because I played on that football field as a young boy……..

In fact for a brief period of time, I lived down the street from the stadium….

I used to go up there every chance I got, just to run up and down the field.

Pretending to play football and imagining victory’s won in the last second.

And that got me to thinking about a Christmas I spent there as a boy…..
And the “Post Christmas”……

So I share this little story with you……

I hope you enjoy it…..

Merry Christmas….

Bullets in the Fire

At the risk of sounding like one of those old men I used to listen to as a kid harping on the youth of today, I have to say, some young kids today don’t realize how good they have it.

Between the drive thru meals and the video games it’s no wonder they don’t have appreciation for those things in life one has to work and strive to attain.

If you think I am pointing a finger at you, then you would be wrong.
I am pointing at myself as well.

I remember a time, not that long ago…

In a little house close to the railroad tracks, just down the road from what is now the University of North Alabama. In fact, when the freight trains rolled by everyday the entire house would shake as if from an earthquake. We could feel the clack-clack of the big wheels against steel tracks and the lonely blasts of the horns as the endless trains passed.

It was January and Alabama was hit with an unusually bitter cold spell.
The silhouettes of lifeless trees looked like shadows against the grey skies.
The blistering cold winds caused the entire house to creek as it labored to keep the heat of the fireplace trapped within it’s midst.

I was six years old and I was living with a family that also had a grandparent and grandmother living with them.

This particular Saturday two neighbors arrived and they were all warming themselves next to the fireplace in the little clapboard house next to the railroad tracks.

As I recall there were a total of eleven people in that little house that Saturday.
There were the foster parents, her father and mother, their two children, myself and two other foster children to work the fields and live stock across the tracks and the two neighbors from down the road.

Eleven in all on this cold morning most of which were huddled close to the fire talking all at once about a variety of subjects. Myself and the other kids all about the same age just got in from feeding the hogs, the two cows and cleaning the stalls to find ourselves hurried to the kitchen for the customary bowl of oatmeal.

My rumbling stomach could wait…
I had other pursuits in mind….

The grandfather who lived there liked me…
Maybe it’s because as a veteran of World War I
That’s right I said World War I…

I listened intently to his every story and asked a variety of questions all of which he answered patiently.
His Daughter and son in law didn’t seem to care what he had done in the Great War and neither did any of the other grandchildren or foster kids.
Me, I loved every minute of it.
I called him Mister Chuck and he called me Sonny.

Mister Chuck would say “Sonny you want to hear a story about the Great War?”
In a loud and resounding voice shouting yes sir! I would be at his feet quick as a rabbit.

I can still see him in my mind’s eye, setting in that rocking chair in his overalls, smoking a filter less cigarette staring into the fireplace as he told his stories; his mind drifting off to the battlefields of Europe and fighting the Hun.

Mister Chuck was a good and decent man.

A few weeks before this story…
It was Christmas..
There wasn’t much to go around for the foster kids in that house or anybody else for that matter.
But Mister Chuck made sure we all got new socks and Miss Annie (his wife) had knitted each of us a nice warm stocking cap.

But Mister Chuck had something special in mind for me….
Mister Chuck always carried tucked in his overalls, a Smith & Wesson Russian Model .44 caliber revolver.

He would occasionally unload it and let me carry it and even let me pretend to shoot it.
I would practice my sight picture imagining unknown marauders and the Kaiser’s Boys across the field, preparing to storm our defensive position.

That pistol was almost as long as my arm and at the time felt like it weighted a metric ton.
But I loved it.

Anytime he would unload the massive revolver he would let me put those big .44 caliber bullets in my pocket and even carry them around most of the day.
The bullets consisted of a huge chunk of lead attached to a real brass cartridge.
I felt like an ammo carrier preparing to make it to the trenches to resupply my brothers on the front lines.

So on this Christmas with no one around Mister Chuck said he knew how much I enjoyed playing with those bullets, so he gave me ten of the .44 Russian caliber bullets.
He got down on the floor with me and told me to imagine them as soldiers and with my imagination they could be whatever I wanted them to be.
It was an awesome gift.

At night I would wrap them in an old handkerchief and put them under my pillow and during the day I carried them with me everywhere I went.
I would play with those bullets every chance I got.
I would line them up on the floor and imagining all kinds of warfare in far away and exotic locations.

On this cold Saturday in January I was in a corner playing with my “soldiers” as the children ate their oatmeal in the kitchen and while the adults huddled near the fire place, some seated and others standing talking about whatever adults talk about.
In the middle of the group set Mister Chuck, staring into the fire.

I was in the process of relieving the beleaguered 101st Airborne Division at Bastogne in the corner of the room near a little table with my bullet soldiers, when the “incident” happened.

The man of the house and the son-in-law of Mister Chuck left the fireplace and came over to the table where I was playing. As he retrieved something from the top of the table his boot hit my “soldiers” and sent them scattering.

The man of the house saw the look of surprise on my young face and perhaps a hint of disgust as well.

He told me in no uncertain terms that I had no business playing with those bullets
He then told me to get rid of them right now or I would get a beating.

To this day I am not sure if everyone huddled around the fireplace heard the dispute, I know Mister Chuck certainly didn’t. Not that it has any real bearing on the rest of the story, but what happened next seem to start in slow motion.

My feelings were hurt and yes I was embarrassed, but more than that I was mad.
So with tears in my eyes, I gathered up my bullets in both hands and walked confidently towards the fireplace.

I walked between two adults who were talking about something or another and unceremoniously pitched all ten .44 caliber bullets into the roaring fire.

I can still the brass turning over in the air as they left my hands
The moment was frozen in time.

Until the Son In law who unbeknownst to me had witnessed the entire episode from across the room yelled

“There’s Bullets in the Fire!”
That was about the time the first rounds started detonating in the fireplace.
Was it ever loud!

I have never seen so many people running so fast in my life; how so many of them squeezed through the front door of that little house at the same time amazes me to this day.

That little living room looked like the deck of the Titanic.

While the crowd panicked Mister Chuck never left his rocking chair, I can still hear him laughing over the explosions in the fireplace.
He was laughing so hard he was crying, despite the fact embers hit him from the explosions and left burning, smoking holes on the legs of his overalls and in the arms of his flannel shirt.

I had a first hand account of these events as I conveniently watched the fireworks display and subsequent scrabbling for safety from behind Mister Chuck’s rocking chair.

By the time the last round exploded and with ringing in my ears and the smell of cordite hanging in the air, the crowd slowly made their way back into the house, and I don’t think I need to mention the adults were something less than pleased with my actions, even Miss Annie looked like she was thrown from a truck.

Once the man of the house and Mister Chuck’s son-in-law came into the house, he grabbed me by the straps of my overalls and jerked me to me feet.
I knew I was done for
That was until Mister Chuck said
“Let that boy go”.
Nobody messed with Mister Chuck.

Mister Chuck stood up from his rocking chair and calmly asked me what happened.
When the Son-in-law tried to interrupt, Mister Chuck just held up his had to silence his protests.
In my fear I recounted the story and Mister Chuck nodded his head, patted me on the shoulder and said, nobody is whipping this boy today. Sonny let’s go get you some more of them bullets.
And he did

I didn’t get a whipping that day, or any other day while I was in that home.
Only Mister Chuck and I talked and laughed about the incident later, nobody else dared bring the subject up for fear of making the son-in-law mad.

All either of us had to say was
“There’s Bullets in the Fire!”
And we would erupt with laughter.
Each and every time we talked about it, Mister Chuck would laugh just as hard as he did the day it happened and he would always say, “That was the funniest damn thing I ever saw”.

I left there the next year and I never forgot Mister Chuck and Miss Annie.
I didn’t see a lot of Mister Chuck as the years moved on and I kept up with them as best I could as I was growing up.

But Mister Chuck never forgot me.
He made sure before he died that “Sonny” received the pistol he loved so much as a little boy.
Sometimes everything works out just like it’s supposed to.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s Bowling Season……..

And with more Bowl Games than ever and sponsorships of the games difficult to follow

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will break the Bowl games down into two parts for your reading enjoyment.

No need to thank me….

Think of it as an early Christmas present…..

Enjoy Part I of your Bowl games……

THE BOWL GAMES (PART I)

December 18th

New Mexico Bowl
Albuquerque, New Mexico
BYU and UTEP
This “bowl” game with its simple name recognizing the state in which it is played
was changed to its current name after the “sponsorship” of the previous bowl game was determined to be “inappropriate”.
The bowl game was formally known as the…..
“We Suck Bowl” sponsored by Hoover Vacuum Cleaners
With all the letters in these two teams it should have been sponsored by….
Campbell’s Alphabet Soup….
COUGARS 33-24

uDrove Humanitarian Bowl
Boise, Idaho
Northern Illinois and Fresno State
This sponsorship confuses me…..
Why would you drive to Boise Idaho to be a Humanitarian?
Frankly that sounds like a threat to me….
BULLDOGS 28-24

R&L Carrier New Orleans Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Ohio and Troy
I think to name your bowl game after a “carrier”
During the cold and flu season is just rude…
I hope the sponsors get runny noses out of this….
MEN OF TROY 31-28

December 21st

Beef O’ Brady’s St Petersburg Bowl
St. Petersburg Florida
Louisville and Southern Miss
What in the hell were the sponsors of this bowl game thinking?
It sounds like the game is sponsored by a porn actor
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-17

December 22nd

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl
Las Vegas, Nevada
Utah and Boise State
Isn’t MACCO where Rita Rod get’s her make-up applied?
Never mind, I just remembered she has it done at Earl Shive
Sorry for the confusion….
Two Utes get their potatoes mashed….
BRONCOS 33-31

December 23rd

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
San Diego, California
San Diego State and Navy
I much prefer the more appropriate name for this “California” Bowl game
“The Wild Fire Illegal Aliens Mud Slide Earthquake Out of Sight Taxes Bowl”
It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

December 24th

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Honolulu, Hawaii
Tulsa and Hawaii
Dog the Bounty Hunter’s mullet could beat both of these teams…
Don’t make him prove it either…
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting on RAINBOWS 43-38

December 26th

Little Caesars Bowl
Detroit, Michigan
Florida International and Toledo
Who in the hell thought a bowl game in Detroit was a good idea?
What was their second choice for a bowl game, Beirut Lebanon?
They should have gone with Beirut; it’s safer than Detroit….
SUNSHINE PANTHERS 33-28

December 27th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Shreveport, Louisiana
Georgia Tech and Air Force
Much like you…..
I have no idea what the hell a V100 is and why somebody Advo – Cares about it…
Why can’t this just be the Weed Eater Bowl, like it used to be….
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-28

December 28th

Champs Sports Bowl
Orlando Florida
North Carolina State and West Virginia
I like this match-up…..
It will be slobber knocker to the final whistle…..
Light those Couches in Morgantown!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-31

Insight Bowl
Tempe, Arizona
Iowa and Missouri
I have some “insight” for you in this Bowl game….
This has the potential to be one of the better games of the season….
Believe it
MO’ KNOWS BOWLS 24-21

December 29th

Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman
Washington, D.C.
Maryland and East Carolina
Since this game is in Washington D.C…….
The sponsors debated between the games current name…
And “The Beltway Bandit Contractor’s Bowl” and
“The Crack Pipe Bowl” sponsored by Marion Barry
I wish they would have gone with the latter…
It’s more appropriate
FIGHTING TURTLES 33-27

Texas Bowl
Houston, Texas
Illinois and Baylor
What I wouldn’t give to be in Houston town tonight…..
BEARS 28-20

Valero Bowl
San Antonio, Texas
Oklahoma State and Arizona
Little known fact…..
“Valero” is Spanish for…..
“Sam Houston kicked Santa Anna’s ass at San Jacinto”
I can say that because each and every morning I wake up and..
Remember the Alamo
COWBOY UP! 38-17

More on the way to include Part II of the Bowl Picks

So Stay Tuned

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

It’s that time of year again…….

When people will annoy the living hell of me by saying…..

“Happy Holidays”

This always elicits a response from me similar to this….

“Which Holiday is it? What’s that over there, is that a Holiday tree?”

I will tell you what “Holiday” it is….

It’s Christmas……

Glad I could break it down for you……

And it’s also time for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s

2010 College Football Awards…..

So set back and enjoy the year that was….

And…..

Merry Christmas….

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Mister Wizard I got me a question
I think I done finally met “The One” and Love hit me like a spark from a bad battery….
I ran into this woman at the Piggly Wiggly and she smelled…
Just like the inside of my Momma’s purse.

So I follow her and well…..
I didn’t have no money for a Christmas present and so what I done was….
I give her a mason jar that I done spit in as a gift….

Now maybe I got me the magnesia from that hit on the head I took last year from throwing softballs underneath a moving lawnmower…..
But last time I checked that was a dandy gift….

So here’s my question….
What should I get that gal and let her know that I got the betrothed for her?

“Fast Eddie” – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Eddie I take it from your eloquent description of love…..
That you are clearly a University of Tennessee Volunteer fan…..
With that being the case….
I would say you have picked out the perfect Christmas Gift…
The fact she has not returned your “affections” may be due to the fact she isn’t a Volunteer Fan, even if she did smell like “Your Momma’s Purse”

Q: Dear Sir –
This time of year can be so confusing; it’s hard to know what to believe in when it comes to religion.
Between Hanukkah and Christmas I hardly know what to say to people or what to believe in.
I feel kind of lost and was in hopes you could guide me through this…..

Tim – Conway, Arkansas

A: Tim, this time of year can be tough…..
But you came to the right place….
I have found there are three basic truths when it comes to religion.
One….Jewish people don’t recognize Jesus as the messiah
Two…Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as a deity….
Three……..Baptist don’t recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters…

Q: Hey Mister Wizard –
What ever happened to the regular Bowl games without all the sponsorships?
When is it going to end?
What’s next? The X-Lax Bowl sponsored by Charmin Bathroom Tissue?

Nick – Platte City, Missouri

A: Unfortunately Nick……
That particular “Bowl” game is scheduled to be played next year in Sioux City Iowa….

2010 CFB WIZARD COLLEGE FOOTBALL AWARDS

CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIP

This Christmas season it’s important for parents in the East Tennessee area, to be extremely careful when allowing their children to “visit” Santa at the local shopping mall.

It has been reported that Fat Phil Fulmer has been seen disguised as Saint Nick in an effort to devour unsuspecting children before he goes into hibernation on 30 December.

If you are unsure as to the real identity of your shopping mall Santa, here are the clues to assist you to determine if Fat Phil has infiltrated Santa’s Workshop.

If the “Santa” is over 700 pounds and smells like Krispy Crème Donuts….

If the “Santa” begins to salivate like an attack dog at the sight of a plump child…

If “Santa” is wearing a glow in the dark orange outfit as opposed to the traditional crimson outfit

Then call the authorities immediately……
Or the local Zoo, they are familiar with tranquilizing large animals….

BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM CRAIGS LIST

Email Found on Craiglist under Unique Christmas Gift Ideas:

“For sale: One brand new, unused 2010 Heisman Trophy.
Please contact the Right Rev. Newton.
No NCAA inquiries please.”

BEST TEAM NOT in the BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

The award this year is a tie between…..

The Wisconsin Badgers and the Texas Christian Horned Frogs

Either one or both of these teams are worthy of a “real” shot at the National Championship and if you don’t think so; then by all means schedule a game with them next year.

BEST DISPLAY of UNBRIDLED ADULATION

The CBS College Football commentating crew of Vern “Cammy Cam Juice” Lundquest and Gary “I Heart Cammy” Danielson and Tracy “I have an unsightly mole on my upper lip” Wolfson won this award for their undying love and devotion of all things related to Auburn quarterback Cam Newton.

I haven’t seen that much suckling since I bought a trailer full of new calves.

BEST LITTLE RICHARD IMITATION

Again a member of the CBS College Football crew takes home the prize…..
This time from the CBS College Football Studio..

Spencer Tillman not only wears more makeup than Little Richard….
He sounds even gayer…

Congratulations, I think

BEST PLAYER MONEY COULD BUY

This award is also known as the Reggie Bush Award…..

The winner in a landslide is Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton….

How appropriate…

UGLIEST CHEERLEADER AWARD

This Award does not go to the ugliest Cheerleader Uniforms as was though last year by some readers. This Award is for the actual “ugliest” cheerleaders themselves.

And the Winner is….

The Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders….
With the help of Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” the Wolverine Cheerleaders adopted rather whorish Maze and Blue eye shadow and eight inch clear plastic stripper shoes.

The fact that most of those girls could eat corn on the cob through a tennis rack only added to their already impressive lead over second place Notre Dame.

The other piece of good news related to this award…..
Rita Rod and the Michigan Wolverine Cheerleaders are slated to be on VH1 in the Spring
on “Bret Michaels Rock of Love VII: The Collection of Skanks”

Congratulations Ladies…

BIGGEST COACH

The Head Coach of the Maryland Terrapins takes home the Award this year…

Although Coach Ralph Friedgen isn’t as big as Wynonna Judd, it is important to note that she is not a college football coach and therefore is not eligible for this award.

BEST IMITATION OF A COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACH

Although the “mighty” Southern California Trojans are ineligible for a Bowl game this season due to the Reggie Bush saga, they none the less take home an award this year as “coach” Lame Kitten continues his hilarious and often times childish imitation of a “real” college football coach.

My favorite part is when his Daddy dresses him for each game, priceless.

JACQUE COUSTEAU AWARD

This Award is given out to the College Football “commentator” who clearly has a snorkel in his or her butt because they seemingly can’t seem to shut the hell up during an entire game.

The winner this year in a close contest…..

ABC Sports Brent Musburger who was followed closely by ESPN’s extremely homely Pam Ward. Both of which are deserving of the award, but it was rumored during one Big Ten telecast that Pam Ward actually paused during a play and that was the difference in the voting. Yes, it was that close.

EDITORS NOTE: Or as they used to say in the country…..
Both of these people are as windy as a bag full of buttholes

THE NEBULOUS FACTS AWARD

This Award wasn’t even close…..

The CBS College Football telecast continues to stun and amaze with such “facts” as:

Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton LOVES Ice Cream……

Every Time the LSU Tigers walk on to the field leading with their left foot, they score first and when they don’t they score second.

Arkansas Quarterback Ryan Mallet is over six feet five inches tall, which is taller than any cast member in the Wizard of Oz.

The University if Kentucky plays their home games in Lexington, which was also the name of an aircraft carrier during World War II

The Georgia Bulldogs have a “G” on the side of their helmets which also happens to be the first letter in “Georgia”

Steve Spurrier used to coach the Florida Gators and now he coach’s the South Carolina Gamecocks and they are two different teams.

Mississippi State is known for their cowbells which are used for cows and also for locating Vern Lundquest when he is liquored up and wanders away from his motel room.

The Tennessee Volunteers are called the Volunteers because Tennessee is the Volunteer state, which is different than the Show Me State which is Missouri.

Congratulations you bunch of irritating AFLAC Duck loving idiots….

UGLIEST UNIFORM AWARD

The clear winner of this award is….

The butt ugly Oregon Duck Uniforms….

I am convinced somebody on heroin designed this combination of glow in the dark nightmares that forces the viewer at home to wear sunglasses while watching television.

UGLIEST FOOTBALL FIELD

The Boise State Bronco’s and their horribly disgusting “Blue” football field takes the award this year, last year and more than likely next year as well.

I’m color blinded and it gives me a damn headache, I can only imagine the insanity it causes the rest of you during telecast.

Those are your awards this year…..
Congratulations to all the winners…

Your Bowl prognostications are a day away…..
So Stay Tuned, there is a lot more on the way this Christmas…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

There are a lot of things in this life I simply don’t understand…..

For example:

I don’t understand when I purchased an Olympic Air Pistol in California…
I had to wait 14 days to pick it up. (The optimum word here is “Air Pistol”, as in a Pellet gun)

Yet if I go down to any local airport with 100K in cash….
I can purchase two or three airplanes and put Abu Nadia Mustafa Muhammad and his twin brother in the pilots seat and take off and nobody so much as bleaks an eye.

I know …..
If the FBI heard I was having a party in the woods and my friends were all wearing sheets and burning crosses….
Every Federal agent within nine hundred miles would descend upon me and TNT would show “Mississippi Burning” on a 72 hour loop for good measure.

Yet in any radical mosque in the United States at any given time…..
There is venom that is spouted and destruction of our way of life is preached and nobody says boo.

And frankly I am baffled as to why Brett Michaels has ever had a television program.

But that’s another story……

So what does this have to do with College Football?

Plenty…..

I beat the drum for years over the Reggie Bush saga and continued to remind you readers of the unfairness and blind eye of the NCAA during the “investigation” of the Southern California Trojans and Reggie’s Parents.

Many of you encouraged me and some thought I was out of my mind.

Some of you thought I was somehow bitter or jealous over the success of the Trojans and suggested I simply “drop it and move on”.

Many of you may say the very same thing in just about a minute or two…..

I have lived long enough to know that life isn’t fair.
In all honesty I probably had that figured out before most of you growing up.
That’s not to say I am smarter than any of you, nothing could be further from the truth.

I am simply saying this.

I know life isn’t fair.

But I like those in “Power” to be consistent with their decisions.
In fact, I demand it.

Like many of you I don’t like an organization that attempts to BS me and tell me “This is A-O.K.”, when we all know it smells to high heaven.

The reason I say this is…..

Some time ago……

The NCAA tells me that the University of Alabama is put on probation for four years over Albert Means recruitment out of Memphis, yet no money was ever proven to have passed between any parties. It wasn’t his parent that “shopped” him; it was his High School Football Coach.

At the same time, Phil Fulmer and the University of Tennessee had “student-athletes” with their very own “walking classes” to get that pesky grade point average up….

And then there was Tee Martin…..
Remember him?
He was the quarterback from Mobile Alabama that led the Volunteers to their first National Championship since the days of General Neyland.

He was receiving a “large” of money monthly from a Tennessee Alumnus in Mobile and even purchased him a new Suburban to go to school in (How nice)

Tee Martin lied about receiving money and then got caught in the lie…….

Yet the SEC Commissioner at the time Roy “Crooked Ass” Kramer said….
“It’s all good no rules were broken”

The NCAA quickly followed suit and said….
“We are good with the findings of the conference”

To speak nothing of the rapes, assaults and robberies perpetrated by players under Phil Fulmer at the University of Tennessee and grade fixing (yes, I said grade fixing) by members of the University to keep those thugs eligible to play for the Big Orange.

And nobody said boo…….

A few years ago……
The University of Alabama was required to forfeit games and set players out of games and the player’s eligibility questioned, because it was reported “Some athletes sold their text books instead of turning them back to the university”

The NCAA stated:
“This is a very serious matter, one athlete reportedly made $136.00 upon selling his text books, instead of returning them per the rules.”

O’ MY GOD! One Hundred and Thirty Six Dollars!
Fire up the Electric Chair!

Meanwhile there was Reggie Bush and Dewayne Garrett at the University of Southern California having the time of their young lives.

Remember Dwayne? He lived “rent free” in an Apartment for a year and a half…
The rent was only $4500.00 dollars a month…….
To say nothing of utilities etc
Pretty nice apartment, wouldn’t you say?
Especially for a college kid with no job and parents who lived in a housing authority….

But the NCAA said…..
“Dwayne didn’t know he had to pay rent….”

Seriously?
Try that next time you are in the grocery store and see how far you get……
My guess is you won’t make it to the parking lot….

So when the NCAA and the SEC Conference Commissioner tell me…….
Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton is clean……..

I go to the rule book…..
And it says……

If at any time before or after matriculation in a member institution a student-athlete or any member of his/her family receives or agrees to receive, directly or indirectly, any aid or assistance beyond or in addition to that permitted by the Bylaws of this Conference (except such aid or assistance as such student-athlete may receive from those persons on whom the student is naturally or legally dependent for support), such student-athlete shall be ineligible for competition in any intercollegiate sport within the Conference for the remainder of his/her college career.”

So let this be said…….

I believe in being consistent…..

I rode Fat Phil Fulmer like a Hippo at the county Fair until they ran his fat ass out of OBknoxville over his “indiscretions” at the University of Tennessee.

I was like a bulldog with a new chew toy over the Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans. I just wouldn’t let it go and you all know it…..

There have been others…….

So know this…….

I am coming for you……

I will not give this up……

Not because it isn’t fair, but because it’s BS and we all know it…..

And maybe because I just enjoy a good fight…

But ultimately…
It isn’t consistent….

In the coming weeks…..
There will be Bowl prognostications and Season ending awards…..

There will be an article or two that will make you laugh and a Christmas Story that will make you cry and make you feel good in the process.

But I wanted to take this opportunity to give you all something to ponder…..

And let those folks know I’m coming for you…..

And if you think my power is somehow relegated to this little blog…..

You have clearly underestimated your opponent

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Well my friends it’s the last official week of the 2010 College Football Season…..
It’s been a wild year…..

This year has had more surprises than a birthday party at a schizophrenic’s house
And it’s been just as crazy.

Nobody guessed Auburn and Oregon in the BCS Title game…
(Certainly not yours truly)

And I couldn’t imagine the Texas Longhorns not being in a Bowl game….
Or Coach Meyer leaving Gainesville…..

College Football is a lot like life and I suppose that’s one of the reasons we love it.
Each season and each game brings new hope….
It brings the occasional joy and disappointment…..
It makes us happy and it should make us humble….

The 2010 College Football Season is coming to a close…..

But have no fear my dear readers….
We will have the Prognostications on the College Bowl Season….
As well as season ending Awards and a “special” Christmas message from…
The Number One Tennessee Fan on the Planet: Hootie Snitch

And just maybe a Christmas story or two…..

There is more on the way so stay tuned….

Enjoy Your Picks…

Breaking College Football News

Over the years, many of you have inquired about…..
“Whatever happened to Little David Wilkins” also known as the “King of All Tavern Music“.
Certainly his hugely popular self-titled album (known to all)…..
“Little David Wilkins: The King of all Tavern Music“….
Surpassed even the Bee Gees in select accordion polka markets in the 1970’s…..

Although snubbed by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame….
I’m sure you all know he transformed the music industry and his soothing sounds are a staple in taxi cabs and elevators from Cleveland Ohio to Terre Haute Indiana.

I am sad to report the mystery of his disappearance has been solved.

Evidence has surfaced that former Tennessee football coach Phil Fulmer ate “Little David Wilkins” on a Ritz cracker on a dare at a party at his house in Maryville Tennessee in the spring of 1997.
The evidence recovered consisted of a shoe reportedly belonging to “Little David”, a belt buckle and his personalized genuine mother of pearl accordion.

The evidence was recovered during a routine colonoscopy conducted on Phil Fulmer in December of this year. Also found in Phil Fulmer’s large intestine, but not related to this investigation was a bumper from a 1971 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.

The investigation is ongoing and as of yet, there are no reported arrests.

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Minus this week’s selections…….
Your Favorite College Prognosticator finished the 2010 College Football Season….
595 and 148 or an above average 80% for the entire year…

Not too bad all things considered….

But I know what you are saying about last week…..
I shouldn’t have picked Mercy Me this close to Christmas to beat a Sheppard….
And I know….
The Mules went down and the Fighting Okra didn’t get fried…..
And I certainly didn’t think the South Carolina Gamecocks would forget how to tackle…

But sometimes…….
Even I miss one or two or three……

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Mister Wizard I have a question for the Holidays that I hope you can answer..
In the comedy classic movie “Bettlejuice”….
If someone said his name three times in succession Beetlejuice himself would appear.
During the Christmas season, if someone says “Ho-Ho-Ho”….
Does that mean Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita Rod will suddenly show up?

GO BUCKS
Steve – Columbus, Ohio

A: Good question Steve…..
Fortunately for the rest of us that “curse”…..
Only applies to those schools residing within the Big Ten.

Q: Mister Wizard I saw something a week ago I couldn’t believe.
I was surfing through some channels trying to find a college football game….
And O’ My God…..
I saw some female cheerleaders on the sidelines and they looked like they were the off-spring of a romance between the Navy Midshipmen Goat mascot and the Oregon State Beaver mascot.
I have never seen such crossed eyed buck toothed girls in my entire life.
I swear one of them even had chin whiskers.

Rob – Pensacola, Florida

A: The game you are referring to Rob….
Would be the Notre Dame – Southern California game.
If it makes you feel any better, you are not the only one that has had that type of reaction to seeing the Notre Dame Cheerleaders. Those girls could floss with a number two pencil.

Q: Mister Wizard…….
My Beloved Longhorns aren’t going to a Bowl Game this year….
And to be honest…
I wouldn’t care if they were going to the Turkey Testicle Bowl and playing a damn team from the Taxidermy Academy. I just wanted to see them play one more time….
Now I have to take my damn family to the movies and see some Harry Potter whatever….
How many of those Harry Potter movies are they going to make anyway?
Thanks for letting me vent…

Terry – Austin, Texas

A: To my knowledge Terry, there is yet one more planned installment to the Harry Potter “series”. It’s called “Harry Potter and the Magical Curse of the Nursing Home”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Just so’s you know……
I still ain’t over the Iron Bowl: Not by a damn sight”

EDITORS NOTE: I feel you brother…

THE PICKS

Friday December 10th

New Hampshire at Delaware
I like the motto of New Hampshire….
“Live Free or Die”
But I am going with the cold chickens in this one…
BLUE HENS 34-24

Saturday December 11th

Villanova at Appalachian State
Little known fact…..
“Villanova” spelled backwards is Latin for…..
“I like to smell my hands after I scratch my butt”
Which is disgusting…
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Georgia Southern at Wofford
I cannot in good conscience pull for a school named after a pesky cough
Especially during cold and flu season…..
EAGLES 24-17

Alabama State at Texas Southern
I do love those Hornets from Alabama…..
But the Tigers have the “Motion of the Ocean Soul Marching Band”
And before you ask…
Yes that matters in this selection…
TIGERS in MOTION 33-24

North Dakota State at Eastern Washington
The Bison have beaten the big boys this year and continued to roll….
While the Eagles have just gotten by….
Plus I really like Bison Burgers from Ted’s Montana Grill….
So there you have it..
BISONS 43-24

Army at Navy
There is no finer game in all of College Football…..
The sportsmanship….
The intensity….
The dedication and determination…
There is no controversy about somebody’s daddy getting the academy to “pay” for their son’s services; these sons will soon be paying for their service to their country.
It’s all on display….
Enjoy college football in its purest form…..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21

The Division II Semi-Final Games…..

Sheppard at Delta State
I know I shouldn’t pick against the Sheppard’s this close to Christmas….
But I’m an Okra Man…..
(In case you were wondering I prefer it fried)
FIGHTING OKRA 28-24

Northwest Missouri at Minnesota Duluth
I know the James – Younger Boys didn’t fair too well on their last trip to Minnesota
I am going with an upset in this one….
MO’S WEST 33-28

In the coming weeks, we will have a variety of Bowl predictions to include…..
The National Championship Game

A very “special” Christmas message by Hootie Snitch….
And More….
So stay tuned…

Enjoy Your Games

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

I bring you extremely disturbing breaking college football news from Atlanta….

Reader discretion is advised….

Atlanta Georgia…….

This Sunday morning following the Southeastern Conference Championship game…..
Atlanta police were called to a Motel 6 in downtown Atlanta after numerous reports of screaming, crying and loud music were coming from one of the rooms.

Once the police arrived…
They found CBS college football commentator Vern Lundquist banging on a motel room door wearing in what was reported as….

Ass-less leather chaps and a gimp mask, screaming for more “Cammy Cam Juice”

Once the police entered the motel room they found what was later described as…
“A peak into Dante’s Inferno”

It was further reported that fellow CBS college football commentator Gary Danielson
Was found handcuffed to one of the motel room beds with a ball gag in his mouth, wearing only a “I (Heart) Can Newton” t-shirt and War Eagle thong.
Once the police removed the restraints, Gary was said to have been babbling…

“Cam Newton is BETTER than Vince Young, Steve Young and the entire cast and crew of the Young and the Restless, I want to have his children!”

To make matters even more disturbing….
CBS College football sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson….
Was said to have been passed out on the toilet due to an overdose of “Cammy Cam juice”
holding a mislabeled Gatorade bottle wearing a “homemade” Auburn Cheerleaders uniform.

Although Auburn quarterback Cam Newton was reported by the Atlanta police, to have been in the motel room for the reported “Love Feast”…
The NCAA and Auburn trustee Bobby Lowder “ruled that Cam Newton wasn’t there” and “his eligibility isn’t in question”

No arrest were made and….
CBS Sports has no comment on the “supposed” Cam Newton Love Feast…
But paramedics who responded to the incident….
Did report that Vern Lundquist is said to be pregnant with Cam Newton’s first child.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

As you might imagine…..
After last week….

I am awaiting a Liver Transplant from Wal-Mart
(It’s near the Sporting Good’s section in case you were wondering…)

Congratulations to the Auburn Tigers for perhaps the greatest in Iron Bowl History

See you all next year in Jordan Hare…..
With a new Liver…

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointed 37 and 12 or 76% last week..
What I wouldn’t give to have that “one” game back….

But I did pick the Boise Sate upset…..
No Need to thank me…

This leaves me at 582 and 142 or dropping slightly to 80% for the season.

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Hey! Who Cut the Cheese?
I always like to open my letters with something out of the ordinary!
(Did I tell you that already?)
I am in deep morning over the Wolverines loss to “You Know Who”
I truly believed the whorish looking Rita Rod could scare the team from “You know Where”
So here is my question…..
Is there anyway, through the use of a time machine or other scientific stuff….
That Michigan could get Vince Lombardi to coach our football team?
Thank you and don’t forget to wipe your feet!
(I always like to end my letters with something different too!)
GO WOLVERINES!
Tommy – Ann Arbor Michigan

A: Let me guess…..
You are a science major at Michigan and live in your grandmother’s basement…
Am I right Tommy?

Q: Thanks for the advice Mister Wizard….
I have been liquored up since last Thursday….
Between the Aggies win and my damn mother-in-law visiting
Not to mention my beloved Longhorns aren’t bowl eligible….
I plan on drinking until college football season is over….
I got to run my mother-in-laws dog “Gatlin” is leaving me a present near the Christmas tree…
Damn it all….
Clayton – San Marcos, Texas

A: I feel your pain my friend…

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
The MIGHTY Auburn Tigers took it to the Tide!
War Damn Eagle dumbass!
Danny – Opelika, Alabama

A: Congratulations on the great win ….
But you better hope Fig Newton stays eligible for another two games…
Because something is definitely wrong there….
Despite what the NCAA may be telling you at the moment…

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON
“Well, the Iron Bowl is over…..
And I got to listen to my damn brother-in-law brag all damn year…..
It’s enough to drive a man to drink”

EDITORS NOTE: I hear you brother, I hear you….

THE PICKS

Thursday December 2nd

Arizona State at Arizona
This instate rivalry in the land of sand and illegal aliens….
Is called the “Duel in the Desert”
And it’s played for the coveted Territorial Cup….
Which looks a lot like a cactus in a bucket of sand….
WILDCATS 28-24

Friday December 3rd

Illinois at Fresno State
I had every intention of watching this game…..
Until I heard David Hasselhoff was going to be singing the National Anthem…
There are some things a man just can’t stand to listen too….
And that’s one of them…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-31

Saturday December 4th

Utah State at Boise State
This cross state rivalry is now known as….
“The Nobody cares Game, because the Broncos are out of the Picture”
I think it’s sponsored by Kodak
BRONCOS 112-3

Wofford at Jacksonville State
This Division I-A playoff game will be a dandy…..
I am going with the boys from Alabama
GAMECOCKS 28-24

Georgia Southern at William and Mary
Another Division I-A playoff game….
Bill and Mary get a bad case of the Statesboro Blues….
EAGLES 24-21

Washington at Washington State
In the Great State of Washington this rivalry is played for…
“The Apple Cup”
Yeah, that’s about all I have to say about that….
HUSKIES 34-17

UNLV at Hawaii
This is a wonderful time to mention….
Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E Network on Wednesday Nights
See your local listings for times in your area
BOUNTY HUNTING WARRIORS on RAINBOWS 43-14

South California at UCLA
This Battle of Los Angeles is a lot like a rumble between the Crips and Bloods….
Minus the do-rags….
Other than that it’s about the same…
O’ yeah and they play for a Victory Bell…
Yippee….
BRUINS 31-28

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
These two cities on the river square off for the coveted….
“Weekend in a Hot Tub with Kenny Rogers Award”
I hear it’s disgusting….
PANTHERS 24-21

Rutgers at West Virginia
The last game of the season in Morgantown….
I can almost smell the couches burning from here…..
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Nevada at Louisiana Tech
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton in a bikini….
If that’s even possible…
PACK OF WOLVES 53-10

Oregon at Oregon State
This game is simply called…
The Civil War and there is nothing Civil about it….
They play for the Platypus Trophy
Which looks suspiciously like a girl I took to the Prom
QUACKERS 38-34

Connecticut at South Florida
This is the “Big” Game for the Big East Title….
And the winner of this game is a shoe in for the coveted
“Purina Monkey Chow Bowl” in St Louis Missouri….
How prestigious is that?
HUSKIES 31-28

The Division II Semi-Final Games…..

Sheppard at Mercyhurst
There will be a lot of Mercy given on Saturday…..
Which is nice…
MERCY ME 31-24

Delta State at Albany State
I doubted the Fighting Okras last week….
And they defeated my beloved Florence Lions….
I should have been listening to Okra Winfrey….
FIGHTING OKRA 38-34

Central Missouri at Northwest Missouri
Did I not pick the Mighty Mules in an upset last week?
(The answer is: Yes I did….)
That trend continues this week…
MIGHTY MULES 31-28

The Southeastern Conference Championship Game
Auburn and South Carolina
This game will be a lot closer than you think….
A whole lot closer
WAR DAMN EAGLE 31-28

The BIG 12 Championship Game
Nebraska and Oklahoma
These age old rivals meet one last time for the conference title….
It’s going to be one hell of a game
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24

More to come so stay tuned…
Enjoy Your Games

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Nothing says “Thanksgiving” quite like a long weekend filled with hate and discontent.
This year there is plenty of both to go around

On the menu this year….
We will have a Turkey Day Classic and a Lone Star Showdown

A Backyard Brawl, a Border War and a Bedlam Game

There will be Battles over Old Oaken Buckets, Bourbon Barrels and Victory Bells

We will have tussles for Golden Boots, Beehive Boots and Jeweled Shillelagh’s

There will be a Battle in the Palmetto State…..
and a Sunshine Showdown and a tug of war over a Commonwealth Cup

In the Superdome we have the Bayou Classic with a Battle of the Bands
There is the Egg Bowl and a little something I like to call…
The Michigan – Ohio State game

Floyd of Rosedale is on the desert menu as is the Land Grant Trophy
Topped off with an unhealthy dose of Clean Old Fashioned Hate

And there is…..
The Iron Bowl…..

My stomach is churning already….

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 41 and 10 or 81% last week..
I know that is no consolation to the Husker Nation…..
But if it helps, I didn’t see that one coming either..

This leaves me at 545 and 130 or holding steady at 81% for the season.

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Q: Welcome to Candy Land!
I always like to open my letters with something out of the ordinary!
I have an unusual question Mister Wizard and I hope you can answer it!
This is rivalry week and my team THE Michigan Wolverines are playing “You know who”
in “You know where” and so my question is simply this:

Is it possible that Michigan’s Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita” could ugly the Wolverines to victory?
By that I mean is it possible that Rita could (through her unusual and over the top whorish attire and behavior) distract the team from “you know where” enough that they could possibly lose the game?

Thank you and don’t forget to tip your waitress!
(I always like to end my letters with something different too!)
GO WOLVERINES!
Tommy – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Tommy while you are waiting for the game with “you know who”..
May I suggest some reading to take your mind off the upcoming game….
”50 Signs of Mental Illness: A Guide to Understanding Mental Health” by James Whitney Hicks

Q: Mister Wizard as you know….
It’s time for the Lone Star Showdown….
I have a sinking sickening feeling the damn Aggies are going to take this one from us…
And I don’t know if I can take it, because you see…
I work with a bunch of those Aggie knuckleheads (And I am being nice here)

The only thing more irritating than working with them is my damn mother-in-law
and her “pet” Shih Tzu “Gatlin” who she named after the Gatlin Brothers.
She saw them one damn time in Branson Missouri….
and she thinks they are the greatest thing since Pearl Beer.
And you guessed it…
Her and that excuse for a dog are coming to my house for Thanksgiving.
God help me if she makes her “famous” casserole…
It smells like something that’s already been eaten, if you catch my meaning.
So what do you think Mr. Wizard?
Do the Horns have a shot at winning or should I start drinking now?
Clayton – San Marcos, Texas

A: My Friend…
The Longhorns have a real chance…..
But just in case keep the liquor within arm’s reach…

Q: Dear Sir –
My colleagues and I are not amused with your country witticisms concerning the Ivy league and we were most disturbed to read your easy dismissal and subsequent slight of the legendary Harvard – Yale game last week. If you knew anything about real college football you would know the wonderful history and beautiful pageantry surrounding this magnificent rivalry in the Ivy League.
We have won a few national championships ourselves you know?
Reginald – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Let me break it down for you “Barney Style” Reginald and maybe you will understand…
The mere fact you didn’t capitalize “National Championship” proves you don’t know anything about college football and the fact is, The Ivy League hasn’t won anything of importance since the Spanish American War.
And as a side note, your Marching Bands suck almost as bad as your football teams.

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“When you live in Alabama, you got to choose sides…
You is either for Alabama or Auburn…
Some of us is born into the rivalry, but we is all in it and you carry it all your life.
And everybody’s got to make a choice between the two teams, even if you just move here.
That’s how it is…
It’s us against them….
The one thing we both have in common is….
we got no respect for folks that live down here and say they don’t care who wins the Iron Bowl….
You might as well say you don’t believe in Jesus, Christmas and Bear Bryant…
The Lord don’t respect fence riders and neither do we”

IRON BOWL COMMENTARY

The voice of College Football…..
The Great Keith Jackson said this of the Iron Bowl…
“There are rivalries and there are rivalries and then there is Alabama and Auburn”
This game takes on a life of its own and permeates every facet of living in Alabama

I remember a time not that long ago…
When children had to set on opposite sides of the school bus during the week of the game
One side marked with a War Eagle and the other side with an Elephant…
And yes, you had to pick a side.

I remember a young preacher in a church I attended as a boy….
Who said a week before the Iron Bowl….
“He didn’t understand what all the fuss was about”
He was gone before Christmas…..

When I was considerably younger I lived for a time next door to a wonderful family who happened to have a number of boys in their family and they were all Auburn Tiger fans.
Iron Bowl week doesn’t go by that I don’t remember a backyard football game behind their house.

Pat Sullivan was on his way to winning a Heisman trophy for the Auburn Tigers
and his favorite target was the great Terry Beasley.

Since most of the boys were older than me, they would run circles around me.
It was terribly frustrating for a scrawny little kid like me…

Then the oldest boy named Phil said those words…..
After he tossed a beautiful pass over my head and outstretched arms to his brother…
“Sullivan to Beasley, Touchdown Tigers!”

That was when the fight started….
I was quickly overwhelmed but I couldn’t let that slight go unanswered…

In what seemed like an eternity my savior arrived in the form of Mrs. Gargis, the boy’s mother.
She pulled those boys off me with the expertise of a college referee…

She wiped my tears and cleaned up my bloody nose and feed us all lunch.
She could mend hard feelings and hurt pride like nobody else could..

I loved that woman…

A few years later Phil went on to be a starting quarterback at Auburn and his son is a great quarterback as well and I suspect he will be starting for the Tigers in the near future.

Marriages and businesses have and will be dissolved over the results of this game…

There have been friendships shattered…..
and hard feelings shared that will last a lifetime over this one single game.

These many years later….
I am glad I still have my Auburn friends and my Auburn Veterinarian buddies…
But just for the record…
I hope you all get your collective asses kicked this Friday.

RTR
MEB

THE PICKS

Thursday November 25th

Tuskegee at Alabama State
There is nothing like starting the day with the “Turkey Day Classic”
Didn’t Lionel Richie and the Commodores go to Tuskegee?
That’s good enough for me…
BRICK HOUSE TIGERS 24-21

Texas A&M at Texas
This is The Lone Star Showdown and there is nothing bigger in the State of Texas
It’s in Austin…..
The Aggies are on a roll….
The Longhorns are down….
I have a feeling; I just hope it’s not gas…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 28-21

Friday November 26th

Louisville at Rutgers
I have a hint for you in this one…
The Cardinal’s are stronger than the State school of New Jersey…
STRONGER CARDINAL’S 24-17

West Virginia at Pittsburgh
This rivalry is known as the “Backyard Brawl”
Don’t leave your seat until the final whistle blows….
Then Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Ohio at Kent State
This Battle in the Buckeye State is called….
“Nobody is Watching us Because Ohio State is playing Michigan”
The acronym is far too confusing to describe for you here
BOBCATS 33-17

Buffalo at Akron
If you are wondering why this game is included in this week’s Picks
During such a hotly contested rivalry weekend…
It’s known as “Filler”
ZIPPERS 34-14

Central Michigan at Toledo
I wonder if Ponch and Jon on CHIPS every just said “Chippewa’s”
It makes perfect sense to me..
ROCKET MEN 33-17

Southern Methodist at East Carolina
I know what time it is…
It’s Mustang Time…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Auburn at Alabama
This is the Iron Bowl……
It’s Oil and Water…..
It’s Cowboys and Indians …
It’s Democrats and Republicans…
It’s the Jewish people and Muslims…
It’s us against them….
It’s a War of Culture and Climate…
It’s Family against Family….
Except it’s worse….
Way Worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-31

Colorado at Nebraska
I doubt I will be conscience to watch this game…..
But this game belongs to the angry (and rightfully so)
(Col. J this one is for you…)
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 38-17

UCLA at Arizona
I wish I cared……
I really do…
But let’s be honest…
This game decides who will get the first shot at the….
“Mister Peanuts Bowl” Sponsored by the Peanut Growers of the South
BRUINS 24-17

Southern Miss at Tulsa
There is only one way to go with this pick….
This is for my Southern Miss Family…
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-34

Arizona at Oregon
I would love to watch this game….
I really would…
But I plan on either being happy as hell or too despondent to talk at this point in the day
QUACK ATTACK 106-17

Boise State at Nevada
Remember you read it here first….
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!
PACK OF WOLVES 41-38

Saturday November 27th

Michigan at Ohio State
This rivalry is known simply as “The Game”
It represents “hate” in its purest form…
This one is for the Great Jack Tatum….
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 28-14

Central Florida at Memphis
Elvis has most definitely left the building….
(And not that it’s all that import here…
But I do a phenomenal Elvis impression…)
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 43-10

Tulane at Marshall
I have three words for you…..
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-17

Indiana at Purdue
This Big Ten rivalry is played each year for…
“The Old Oaken Bucket”
As opposed to the “New Wood-like Prefabricated Plastic Bucket”
It simply doesn’t roll off the tongue..
HOO’S YOUR DADDY? 33-31

Boston College at Syracuse
If you have waited all year for this game….
And you arrange your Thanksgiving around the opening kickoff….
Then you have to be a basketball fan…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 28-24

Cincinnati at Connecticut
This game used to be something to watch…
But it has gone to the dogs…
HUSKIES 33-20

North Alabama at Delta State
The Second Round of the Division II Playoffs….
Everybody knows I love the Fighting Okra….
But Saturday they get fried…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-28

Kentucky at Tennessee
This fierce border rivalry is played each year for the “Bourbon Barrel”
Which on the surface is something I can certainly support…
It’s Tennessee and Kentucky…
(Cue the banjo music)
VOWELS 31-24

Missouri at Kansas
This game is a Border War of Biblical proportions….
It has been a “war” since before Kansas was a state….
It’s played for the “Indian War Drum” and the “Lamar Hunt Trophy”
But this game isn’t about trophy’s…
It’s about “us” versus “them”
I’m a Jesse James and Cole Younger man…
MO’S TIGERS 31-21

Grambling State at Southern University
This game is “The Bayou Classic” and there is truth in advertising here
Not only is it a classic match-up between too outstanding teams…
The battle of the bands is not to be missed….
And as a side note…
I still miss seeing Coach Rob on the Tiger sidelines…
ROB’S TIGERS 33-17

Hawaii at New Mexico State
I hate to think of Pistol Pete being undone by a guy in a grass skirt…
It hurts my feelings…
WARRIORS in grass skirts dancing across RAINBOWS 28-24

Bloomsburg at Mercyhurst
Another Game of the Second Round of the Division II Playoffs
These boys can play some football
MERCY ME 38-34

LSU at Arkansas
This Border War is simply titled….
The Battle for the Golden Boot
In simple terms….
The respective alumni, fans and teams hate each other intensely
This one could easily go either way…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-31

Brigham Young at Utah
This instate rivalry is played for the “Beehive Boot”
I can’t imagine why anyone would want to wear a boot full of bees…
What’s next a “Hat Full of Wasp’s”?
Doesn’t make sense to me…
TWO UTES with a Boot full of Bees 31-28

Washington at California
This one is fairly simple to predict….
California Sucks…
I hope that made it easy for you…
HUSKIES 33-17

Grand Valley at Augusta
This is another Game of the Second Round of the Division II Playoffs
And not that it’s all that important here….
But I just saw a commercial with Dolly Parton….
GRAND VALLEY 34-24

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
Yes I am that easily influenced…

Abilene Christian at Central Missouri
Another Game of the Second Round of the Division II Playoffs and it’s a good one..
I have upset on my mind in this one….
MO’s MULES 28-24

Kansas State at North Texas
Todd Dodge’s Son with the Mean Green is certainly the real deal….
But unfortunately the rest of the team is too green and not too mean..
WILDCATS 43-17

Texas Christian at New Mexico
The Lobos have but one chance to win this game….
Pray that the Horned Frogs get delayed on their flight through an extensive pat-down policy
And subsequently miss the game.
Yeah, that’s their only shot at victory here
MIGHTY HORNED FROGS 53-0

Mississippi State at Ole Miss
This instate rivalry is known as “The Egg Bowl”
It is chocked full of hate, discontent, hard feelings, and fights…
And it lasts all year long….
BULLY DOGS 31-24

Oregon State at Stanford
I know, I know……
I doubted the Power of the Beaver last week….
I should have known better
This will be close
CARDINAL 31-28

Wake Forest at Vanderbilt
A bunch of smart kids take to the field in Music City…
Yippee
DEMON DEACONS 28-17

Georgia Tech at Georgia
Since 1893 these two instate rivals have played the game called….
“Clean Old Fashioned Hate” for the Governors Cup….
There is nothing clean or old fashioned about it, but there is enough “hate” to last all year
And as a historical side note….
This game was first played the year Bobby Bowden was born..
Coincidence?
SIC EM DAWGS 31-28

Houston at Texas Tech
The winner of this game has first dibs on the “Preparation H Bowl”
Both of them are itching to win…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 38-24

Oklahoma at Oklahoma State
The Bedlam Game….
The name says it all…..
The winner takes home the Bedlam Bell and more importantly
Bragging Rights…
COWBOY UP! 38-34

Notre Dame at Southern California
This old college football rivalry is played for the “Jeweled Shillelagh”
Thankfully they changed the name to its present title….
As it was once known as the “Jock Itch Shillelagh” after a particularly nasty outbreak
in the respective locker rooms that each team subsequently blamed on each other.
Isn’t history fun?
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

South Florida at Miami
I have on good authority that the winner of this game….
Has a shot at the “Sweet Potato Bowl” in Yazoo City Mississippi
How sweet is that?
HURRICANES 33-17

North Carolina at Duke
This instate rivalry is played each and every year for the “Victory Bell”
And if my calculations are correct…
It will stay with the Heels until Hell Freezes over…
HEELS of TAR 34-31

Michigan State at Penn State
This game is called….
“The Battle of the Land Grants” and it’s played for the “Land Grant Trophy”
And this game is very important to Joe Pa….
Because he can remember when both states were just territories…
SPARTANS 34-33

North Carolina State at Maryland
This game isn’t a rivalry per say….
But it will be a slobber knocker none the less..
PACK OF WOLVES 34-17

Iowa at Minnesota
This Big Ten game is played for “The Floyd of Rosedale”
I have been informed that “Floyd” is a “pig”
Which I personally think is hurtful to talk about Floyd like that….
Everybody knows he has a thyroid problem…
EYES of the HAWK 28-17

South Carolina at Clemson
In the Palmetto State….
There is nothing bigger……
It’s called “The Battle of the Palmetto State”
It’s played for the “Hardee’s Trophy”
Which looks suspiciously like a Triple Patty Melt from Hardee’s
STEVE’S GAMECOCKS 33-28

Virginia at Virginia Tech
The Battle for the Commonwealth of Virginia
Played for the coveted Commonwealth Cup….
It’s Thanksgiving and that means Turkey…
FIGHTN’ TURKEYS 28-17

Florida at Florida State
It’s time for the Sunshine Showdown in the Great State of Florida…
This has all the hate and bitterness of any other instate rivalry…
And it’s about to get worse…
JIMBO’S NOLES 28-24

Northwestern at Wisconsin
You guessed it…
Another “rivalry” game in the Big Ten…..
This game is played for the “Gus Polinski Polka King Accordion”
And on an unrelated side note…
Polka music makes my head want to pop off…
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 38-17

Happy Thanksgiving to you all…..
Enjoy Your Games

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Thanksgiving is right around the corner….
And that means one thing…

The next three weeks the fiercest rivalries in all of college football will be played.

There will be Egg Bowls and Apple Cups…

Civil Wars and Good Ole Fashioned Hate

There will be Iron wills and Iron Bowls….

Just thinking about it….
Can make your stomach queasier than Aunt Edna’s five bean casserole
Where are my Tums?

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Much like Elvis and Richard Petty, it’s good to be the King.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather astounding 46 and 10 last week or 82%.
This leaves me at 504 and 120 or 81% for the season.
But just for the record…
“NO” I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns…

EMAIL LETTER(S) OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
You sir, espouse to be a southern gentlemen and are a self ascribed expert in all things southern.
So I have question that my family and I are in hopes you can help us with.
Upon moving to the “south” from up north, specifically Springfield Illinois, we were appalled at how prejudiced everyone is in the south.

People in our new neighborhood laughed at me when I put our mailbox up with our name on it!
And some kids drove by and told me to “get the hell out of the neighborhood!”

My wife and I went to a local church and someone there pointed at my name on my visitors “Hello My Name Is” tag
and that person told me “We don’t mind you coming to church here, but there better not be any funny business going on in the back pews”.
I have never been so shocked and appalled in all my life!
So I ask you sir, why would people in such a “friendly southern town” react in such a harsh way to strangers from the north!
Is it the way we look, is it the way we talk or is there something wrong with our name?
I ask you?
Moe and Ima Queer, Rome, Georgia

A: Seriously….
“MOE and IMA QUEER”
You are the Queer Family?
I think I just whizzed on myself…

Q: Sir,
We are avid readers of your web site and were wondering if you could do us a favor.
You see, we are producers and directors of adult “art” films.
Just want you to know that even the Supreme Court ruled that our movies were NOT pornography, but art.
So, what we would like to know is if you have some kind of copyright or trademark claim on the title “Pirates and Blue Ho’s”
because we were thinking it would make a GREAT title for our next production.
It would be a classic retelling of rather amorous Pirates pillaging a Connecticut village of Democrats and the subsequent sexual escapades.
It’s pure genius.
Sincerely
The Dark Bros.
Burbank, Ca.

A: Now, the emails are just getting creepy..

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Now everybody has done heard about that Fig Newton kid from Auburn….
And what’s them Auburn fans a saying?
Why that boy’s daddy’s a preacher he didn’t take no money or ask for nothing!
Cause he’s a Preacher!
Well let me tell you something about that….
My wife Sassy and I have been married for 53 years and we have been going to the same church here in Opp Alabama since we known one another….
And during that whole time up until last Sunday they pass the plate for the “Building Fund” and they hadn’t bought so much as a new door knob since we been there.
But the Preacher drives a new Cadillac…
So don’t be telling me cause a man claims to be a preacher he won’t take something that don’t belong to him”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend, see you soon…

THE PICKS

Thursday November 18th

Georgia State at Alabama
“coach” Bill Curry asked for this game…..
The lesson to be learned here…
Be Careful what you ask for….
CRIMSON TIDE 43-10

UCLA at Washington
Where is Coach James when you need him….
BRUINS 24-21

Air Force at UNLV
Last time I was in Vegas I lost some money at the tables…
And I wanted to bomb the town myself…
This Saturday I get my revenge..
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-17

Friday November 19th

Fresno State at Boise State
Wow…….
Another tough opponent for the Smurf Turf Boys….
What? The Taxidermy Academy isn’t available on Friday Night?
BRONCOS 113-3

Saturday November 20th

Purdue at Michigan State
As you might have guessed….
This Big Ten game is played for a “trophy”
It looks like a monkey playing an accordion…
Which is creepy…
SPARTANS 34-20

Penn State at Indiana
Hoosier? As in Hoosier Daddy?
That would be Joe Pa……
JOE’S LIONS 33-24

West Virginia at Louisville
There was a time this game decided the Big East Championship…
This isn’t the time…
STRONGER CARDINALS 33-31

Troy at South Carolina
Two things I know about this game….
The Gamecocks are going to Atlanta….
And Troy is going to get his ass whipped..
GAMECOCKS 38-10

North Carolina State at North Carolina
This instate Tobacco Road rivalry is called…
“The North Carolina – North Carolina State Rivalry”
You have to admit…
The name is descriptive
PACK OF WOLVES 34-31

Virginia at Boston College
It’s tough to win on Chestnut Hill…..
This game will prove my point..
CHESTNUT EAGLES 33-17

Oklahoma State at Kansas
The Prairie Wind blows into Kansas and touches Dorothy and Toto in naughty places.
COWBOY UP! 43-17

Wisconsin at Michigan
This Big Ten rivalry is played for the “Decoupage Cheese of Doom”
I heard it smells a lot like Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
After it’s been in the sun for ten days…
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21

Yale at Harvard
This a HUGE game in the Ivy League….
Which is another reason why nobody cares….
Seriously nobody cares

Pittsburgh at South Florida
Most people would tell you the Panthers have this game in the bag..
I’m not most people
NO BULL 24-21

Appalachian State at Florida
The Gator Nation is depressed over the 2010 season….
This game will make you all feel better
MIGHTY GATORS 38-17

East Carolina at Rice
Rice gets caked by the Pirates…
Believe it
PIRATES 31-17

Duke at Georgia Tech
The Blue Devils will be far too distracted….
by the heavenly smells drifting across the field from the home of the world’s greatest chili dogs…
The Varsity….
To put up much of a fight…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-24

Chattanooga at Wofford
I don’t know if “Wofford” was named after Chewbacca’s kid…
Or is it a pesky variation of the Whopping Cough…
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Citadel at Samford
The boys from the Military College of South Carolina…
Lay a Carolina Butt Whipping on Fred and Lamont…
Believe it
BULLDOGS 38-10

Montana State at Montana
This hate filled instate battle in Big Sky Country is called….
“The Brawl of the Wild” and it is played for The Great Divide Trophy
This game is “hate thy neighbor” at its finest
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 28-24

UTEP at Tulsa
The winner of this game has a shot at the “Vienna Sausage Bowl” in Valdosta Georgia
Yeah, it’s that important
GOLDEN HURRICANES 38-34

Colorado State at Wyoming
The Cowboys might win this game…
And Janet Reno “might” be a woman…
RAM TOUGH 33-17

Kansas State at Colorado
The Buffalos will win one for their coach who shouldn’t have been hired in the first place
BUFFALOS 28-24

Clemson at Wake Forest
Have faith My Tiger Faithful…..
DABO’S TIGERS 28-17

Kent State at Western Michigan
“Golden Flashes and Bronco’s”….
Makes me think Grandpa got naked and jumped on the horse and is headed to town..
GOLDEN FLASHES 24-21

Weber State at Texas Tech
The Boys from the Grilling College gets smoked in Lubbock…
Which just so happens to be the Home of Buddy Holly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 48-10

Marshall at Southern Methodist
I have mixed emotions in this game….
I love the Thundering Herd…
But I am a Mustang Man…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Illinois at Northwestern
This instate battle in the land of Lincoln….
Is played each year for the “Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
As opposed to the “Diet Light Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”….
It has all the flavor of the regular Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, but less calories…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-31

Ole Miss at LSU
That foam rubber bear that is supposed to somehow be a “Rebel”….
Get’s his ass eaten alive by Big Mike the Tiger…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-10

Arkansas State at Navy
This game is going to be uglier than an orangutan in a prom dress…
MIDSHIPMEN 53-10

Central Florida at Tulane
The Green Wave will be reduced to a lime green trickle by the time this one is over..
KNIGHTS OF GOLD 44-14

Florida Atlantic at Texas
As God as my witness……
They better not lose this one…
LONGHORNS 34-17

Ohio State at Iowa
This game will be for the Big Ten Title..
Just like I said it would be..
No Need to thank me.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 33-24

Stanford at California
In California….
They call this “The Big Game” and it’s played for the Stanford Ax
Which basically means nobody outside California gives a crap
CARDINAL 6-3

Virginia Tech at Miami
It’s too close to Thanksgiving not to pick the Fighting Turkeys
That’s how I roll
HOKEY POKEY 34-28

Memphis at UAB
I think Elvis’s Tigers have left the building…
BLAZERS 38-17

New Mexico State at Nevada
I hate to think about Pistol Pete getting devoured by a pack of hungry wolves
It reminds me of an episode of “When Animals Attack”
PACK OF WOLVES 43-20

New Mexico at Brigham Young
The cougars deliver a low blow to the lobos like a hobo on a yo-yo..
(I can do this all day …)
COUGARS 43-10

Connecticut at Syracuse
I cannot believe I am writing this…
OTTO the ORANGE 31-24

Army at Notre Dame
This game will be played in Yankee Stadium….
As God intended it to be…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-28

Arkansas at Mississippi State
Hawgs and Dogs……
I love that German Ice Cream….
HAWGS 34-24

Missouri at Iowa State
This Big 12 Rivalry is played for the…..
“Telephone Trophy”
Yes, I’m serious…
MO’S TIGERS 34-31

Tennessee at Vanderbilt
This instate “rivalry” in the Volunteer State is played for the…
“Petrified Possum Trophy”…
Honestly…
It looks eerily similar to Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”
VOWELS 38-17

Rutgers at Cincinnati
In this Big East Battle….
I will go with the boys from Chili Town…
KATS of BEAR 28-21

Nebraska at Texas A&M
This game will be too close for comfort for the Children of the Corn
MIGHTY HUSKERS 28-24

Oklahoma at Baylor
This game will be closer than you might think….
A Lot closer..
BOOMER SOONER 31-28

Florida State at Maryland
The Seminoles are finding ways to win and the Turtlemen are finding ways to lose…
It’s just that simple
NOLES 33-24

Southern California at Oregon State
Some people might think..
I would make an off-color joke about “Trojans and Beavers……”,
But I am better than that….
At least this week I am better than that…
LAME CHEATERS 5-3

Houston at Southern Miss
The cougars are playing more like Sylvester the Cat…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-17

Utah at San Diego State
So these two Utes were making fun of this ancient Aztecs butt floss…
Stop me if you’ve heard it…
TWO UTES 34-24

San Jose State at Hawaii
Jose? As in “San Jose”…..
I think Dog the Bounty Hunter arrested him on the last episode…
Which can be seen on the A&E Channel on Wednesday nights…
Check your local listings for times in your area
WARRIORS electric sliding across RAINBOWS 38-10

Enjoy Your Games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Your Week 11 Picks are out a day early in Honor of the Marine Corps 235th Birthday
And Veterans Day…

To all my Marine Brothers and Sisters across the globe….
I want to wish you a Happy 235th Birthday…..
And never forget we Marines aren’t in the “military” as some would have you to believe…
We are a cult..
That oddly enough does not believe in putting your hands in your pockets.

Thursday is also Veterans Day, as well as the Birthday of one of the Greatest American General’s of the 20th Century, General George S. Patton Jr.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet my Army brothers are surprised I knew that…
It’s because as you may have guessed I am a storehouse for “Strange Facts Known by Few”

And as a side note….
Don’t “Thank a veteran for their service”…
It makes us sound like we are waiters or waitresses at Shoney’s.
Take the time to thank them for your freedom…
That precious gift given to citizens of a free country…
Through the blood and sacrifice of their warriors..

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Before we get into the statistics of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…
I want to point out a couple of issues…..

I finally pick Syracuse to “win” and they lose….

I finally pick UAB to “win” and they lose…..

EDITORS NOTE: I am going to try the same tactic with Texas in the coming weeks..
And “NO” I do not want to talk about my beloved Longhorns game last week….

And lastly…..
To my LSU Tiger faithful you may have noticed…
That I picked the score of the game with Alabama correctly but with the opposite results.
It was because I was feeling particularly dyslexic that day.
Great Win Fightn’ Tigers…

To my adopted and much loved Clemson Family….
Did I not tell you to “Believe”?
No need to thank me…

With all that being said…..
I was a much improved 45 and 13 or 78% on week 10 of college football.
That leaves us at 458 and 110 for the season or 81% after ten full weeks of college football.
Not too bad, all things considered….

EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I got me a question I hope you can a help with.
My wife (Fawn Marie) has been a wanting some of them breasts implants..
So we go shopping down to the Wal-Mart and find us some near the automotive section.
They wasn’t bad, but they wasn’t all that good neither, if you know what I mean.
Well here is where the problem started.

We ain’t got the insurance from the Government yet, so we had to have my wife’s cousin who is a taxidermist install them on her. And at first them things looked just alright, but before you know’d it them things looked cockeyed as Tennessee Coach Derek Dooley!
So I got to thinking…..

Do you think that’s why Coach Dooley get’s confused on the number of players on the football field cause he’s a seeing double? What do you think?
Johnny – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: I think this is perhaps the most disturbing email I have received to date….
But I have to admit you may be on to something with Coach Dooley…

A VETERANS DAY MESSAGE
FROM SKILLET WILSON

“I was in the big one, they call it World War Two, but some peoples call it W-W 2…
And I remember landing at D-Day in Normandy France like it was yesterday…..
It was June 6th 1944….
It was cold too man! So me and my machine gunner “Ennis”; but I call him Pancake cause that boy could put down the pancakes! Anyway, so we get off that cold ass landing craft and the damn Japanese were all over the damn place! Running around a Banzi-ing one another!
It was about the damn’dist thing I ever seen!”

“If you don’t believe me, I got one question for you…”

“Wuz you there?”

“Cause if you wasn’t….”

“Then you need to shut the hell up and let me finish telling my damn story….”

EDITORS NOTES: Due to time constraints….
I had to cut Mr. Skillet Wilson off and move on with the picks or you would have been reading his “story” until Sunday afternoon.

THE PICKS

Thursday November 11th

Pittsburgh at Connecticut
Big Cats and Big Dogs in this one…
I’m going with the boys from Iron City Beer…
PANTHERS 28-24

East Carolina at UAB
This game is at Legion Field in Birmingham..
The sign at the stadium says, “The Football Capital of the South”
That is good enough for me…
BLAZERS 43-38

Friday November 12th

Boise State at Idaho
A “tough” instate rivalry is on tap for “Prime Time Friday Night….”
It’s called the “Boise State – Idaho Rivalry” and it’s played for the Governors Cup
I think the Trophy looks like a Potato
BRONCOS 113-3

Saturday November 13th

Southern Miss at Central Florida
I know my boys from Hattiesburg have taken it on the chin as of late….
But I have faith in this one…
GOLDEN EAGLES 41-38

Boston College at Duke
I don’t know what’s gotten into the Blue Devils lately…
But the Eagles will put them in their place
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 33-28

Shippensburg at Mercyhurst
It’s against FCC Rules for Lou Holtz to say the names of these teams in succession…
MERCY ME 23-17

Minnesota at Illinois
Here we go again in the Big Ten…
Yet another rivalry of sorts and another “trophy” to play for….
This game is played each year for the “Petrified Tyrannosaurus Turd of Tecumseh”
You have to hand it to those Yankees…
They can make a “trophy” out of damn near anything
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 43-17

Salisbury at Frostburg State
This is my kind of game…..
With a Salisbury Steak and a Frosty Mug of my favorite beverage..
I got so hungry I forgot where I was going with this one..
STEAK and SHAKE 24-17

Robert Morris at Bryant
I didn’t know Coach Bryant had a college named after him….
Bob’s going to get his ass whipped..
BEARS 38-17

Miami at Georgia Tech
This game will depend upon which team or teams decide to show up…
HURRICANES 24-21

Iowa at Northwestern
As you have probably figured out by now….
Every Big Ten game revolves around a rivalry and a trophy
This game is no different…
These teams play for the “Bespeckled Beef Stick of Victory”
I understand it looks eerily similar to the “Petrified Tyrannosaurus Turd of Tecumseh”
EYES of HAWK 33-28

Dickenson at Ursinus
Miss Emily Dickenson better hope she doesn’t get a Ursinus infection…
I hear she has allergies
ALLERGIES U 23-17

Michigan at Purdue
I would like to take this opportunity to make a correction:
I have stated in past articles that Michigan Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” looks like a ten dollar hooker..
That is incorrect and false and I deeply apologize.
With the falling economy she looks like a three dollar hooker, tops.
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
WOLVERINES 34-24

Indiana at Wisconsin
Once again we find ourselves playing for another “trophy” in the Big Ten
This game is played annually for the “Tusk of Cheese Meat”
And once again….
I understand it looks very similar to the “Petrified Tyrannosaurus Turd of Tecumseh”
I am starting to sense a trend here..
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21

Princeton at Yale
This is a really BIG game in the Ivy League…
And Nobody cares….
Seriously nobody cares…

South Florida at Louisville
I was wrong about the Stronger Cardinals last week….
I won’t make the same mistake this week..
STRONGS CARDINALS 31-24

Ole Miss at Tennessee
This weekend Hootie Snitch comes down from the Baneberry water tower…
The Volunteers get their first conference victory of the season…
Believe it
VOWELS 33-17

Vanderbilt at Kentucky
The Cats become Bowl eligible Saturday…
And that’s No Joke…
JOKERS CATS 31-17

Cincinnati at West Virginia
The folks in West “By God” Virginia know a thing or two about taming wild animals..
Even Cats of Bears…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

Dayton at Marist
Flyers and Foxes in this one….
Sounds like a typical party at any aviator’s house anywhere in the country
I love those guys…
RED FOXES 24-21

Kansas State at Missouri
MO knows there is more than one way to skin a cat….
Even if it’s a wildcat…
MO’S TIGERS 33-24

Indiana State at Youngstown State
I really don’t understand the people from Indiana State…
What is so scary about naming your team the “Sycamores”?
Run everybody! I see a TREE!
I don’t get it….
PENGUINS 43-10

Liberty at Coastal Carolina
Flamers and Chanticleers….
Sounds like a party at Kenny Chesney’s house…
CHANTICLEERS 24-17

St Francis at Duquesne
They call Francis the “Red Flash”..
He ought to be ashamed of himself…
DUKES 31-17

Presbyterian at Charleston Southern
Pirates and Blue Ho’s…..
That doesn’t sound a Disney movie to me….
BUCCANEERS 33-31

Iowa State at Colorado
I want to clear up an ugly rumor concerning the Buffalo Football program….
Wynonna Judd will NOT be running on to the field in place of “Ralphie” this Saturday
I understand the University of Colorado doesn’t have a trailer big enough to haul her…
CYCLONES 38-34

Samford at Chattanooga
Every time I see “Samford” the theme from “Samford and Son” get’s in my head..
It’s terribly annoying…
MIGHTY MOCS 34-28

Army at Kent State
West Point has produced some of the finest warriors in our countries history
Kent State on the other hand…
Has produced some of the dumbest war protestors in our countries history…
This close to Patton’s Birthday the boys from West Point better win….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 33-24

Wake Forest at North Carolina State
The Demon of Deacons gets an exorcism at the hands of a Pack of Wolves…
Or should I have said Paws?
You get the picture…
PACK of WOLVES 34-17

Brigham Young at Colorado State
The Rams have been something less than “Ram Tough” as of late…
So this one is easy..
COUGARS 43-17

Utah at Notre Dame
Two Utes traps a leprechaun under a golden gnome…..
Film at Eleven..
TWO UTES 38-17

Memphis at Marshall
This game is played the day before the anniversary of the Marshall Plane crash…
It took place on 14 November 1970…
I believe in the Herd…
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-24

Central Michigan at Navy
I have finally broken the code on what “Chippewa’s” actually means…
It’s when Ponch and Jon would be confused on CHIPS….
As in: “CHIP a wha?”
MIDSHIPMEN 43-17

Maryland at Virginia
These two teams confuse me….
You never know who you are going to get from week to week…
So this one is a toss-up…
TURTLE-MEN 28-24

Virginia Tech at North Carolina
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t heard from Mental Health Professionals
UPSET SPECIAL!
HOKEY POKEY 31-28

Syracuse at Rutgers
I am willing to continue my experiment in “reverse prognostication”
OTTO the ORANGE 31-24

Penn State at Ohio State
This game could easily qualify as “abuse of the elderly”
Poor Joe Pa….
BUCKEYES 43-17

Rice at Tulane
These two teams are like so many others….
One week they look like Champions and the next week they look like Chumps…
It’s gamble to pick them, but that’s why you love me…
MY FAVORITE PUDDING 28-24

Muhlenberg at Moravian
I have a question….
If you live in Moravian, does that make you a Moron or Moravianian?
I’m just asking…
MULE GIRL 24-21

Georgia at Auburn
This game is “The Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry”
Normally this game is closer than a Gillette Four Blade Shave….
But not this year…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Washington State at Oregon State
Someone wrote me the other week if I would “shave points on the beavers”..
There are so many things I could write about that..
But this is a family column.
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17

San Diego State at Texas Christian
The Ancient Aztecs should have sacrificed frogs instead of human beings…
They might have fared better here..
HORNED FROGS 48-10

New Mexico at Air Force
Isn’t there a bombing range in New Mexico?
I thought so….
MIGHTY FALCONS 43-24

Texas A&M at Baylor
This old Southwest Conference Rivalry is called…
“The Battle of the Brazos”
I say this about that….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-28

UTEP at Arkansas
Before the Miners hear..” O’ Say can you see..”
They will be two touchdowns behind..
HAWGS 48-17

Louisiana Monroe at LSU
Poor ole Monroe gets’s eaten by a Tiger….
Don’t let the children watch..
FIGHTN TIGERS 43-17

Carson Newman at Tusculum
I find it disturbing that Coach Spark’s boys have to play a pesky lung disease
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

South Carolina at Florida
Coach Steve has an unwelcome homecoming to the swamp….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-21

Mississippi State at Alabama
There is going to be a Tussle in T-Town on Saturday Night
and it will be close…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Oregon at California
I wish I cared, but I don’t….
QUACKERS 116-3

Stanford at Arizona State
I was going to watch this game….
But I have to re-arrange my sock drawer…
Sorry, I scheduled it months ago..
CARDINAL 33-24

Southern California at Arizona
Lame Kitten is too coaching what Siegfried and Roy are to heterosexuality…
LAME CHEATERS 6-5

Tulsa at Houston
The once Mighty Cougars are one injury short of using sock monkeys in the lineup…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Louisiana Tech at New Mexico State
These Bulldogs are bad and not in a “good” way…
PISTOL PETE 33-17

North Alabama at Harding
The Lions of Florence will have their hands full with Harding…
Those boys are tough and this game will come down to the wire…
MIGHTY LIONS 28-24

Clemson at Florida State
This game will come down to who has the ball last….
I won’t call this an upset special either..
DABO’S TIGERS 31-28

Wyoming at UNLV
Two of the worse teams in college football meet Saturday…
But I have a question…
If at the end of four quarters and the score is tied at Zero….
Will they still have to play overtime?
I Pray not….
COWBOY UP! 3-2

Nevada at Fresno State
Bulldogs and Wolves in this one….
But make no mistake, this one is over before it starts..
PACKS of WOLVES 43-24

Oklahoma State at Texas
Now for my experiment in “reverse prognostication” as described earlier in the column
COWBOY UP! 34-24

Texas Tech at Oklahoma
The Red Raiders shocked Mo’s Tigers last week (and Myself) with a huge win…
No such luck this week…
BOOMER SOONERS 33-24

Kansas at Nebraska
Dorothy….
You damn sure aren’t in Kansas anymore…
This is Children of the Corn Country…
MIGHTY HUSKERS 34-17

Enjoy your games…..

Your Marine Corps Birthday and Veterans Day

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Halloween is over and I hope that none of my beloved readers lost a loved one this year to the insatiable appetite of Fat Phil Fulmer when he emerged from the pumpkin patch.

But there were far too many “Tricks” and not enough “Treats” to suit me this year.

This coupled with the “signs” of the coming apocalypse made Halloween all too disturbing.
What do I mean and what are the signs of the end of the world you may ask?

The signs are all around us…..

Texas loses to Baylor….
(O’ the Humanity!)

Notre Dame loses to Tulsa and STILL has a television contract…
(How is that even possible?)

Syracuse continues to win…
(Despite my best efforts of picking against them)

West Virginia..
(Please see Texas above and substitute “Baylor” with Syracuse and Connecticut)

The Miami Hurricanes lose to Virginia….

The Navy Midshipmen lose to the Duke Blue Devils

EDITORS NOTE: Clearly Satan’s hand was at work in this game…
Is it a coincidence that “Blue Devils” beat the Midshipmen?
I think not…

And certainly the most obvious sign of the end of the age….

The Oregon Ducks are Ranked Number One….
I rest my case….

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was “Tricked” on Halloween…
(I admit it…)

I was a dismal 41 and 15 or 73% on Halloween weekend…
That leaves us at 413 and 97 for the season or 81% after nine weeks of college football.

Have no fear my beloved readers, this setback will not deter me
In the words of that immortal 20th Century philosopher M.C. Hammer….
“I’m 2 Legit to Quit…”

EMAIL LETTER OF THE WEEK

Q: Dear Mister Smartass –
We have been a reading what you write about Coach Phil Fulmer!
He only happens to be the greatest damn football coach to ever wear orange!

If I was you un’s I would watch my self.
I understand Phil Fulmer is six foot five and seven hundred and forty two pounds and he is ALL man!
Hope you enjoyed your little laugh cause Coach Phil is going to catch up with you mister!
Then you are done for!
Danny “Possum Face” Rogers – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Danny…..
Fat Phil Fulmer couldn’t catch me if they strapped his fat ass to a Saturn 5 rocket.

HOOTIE SNITCH UPDATE

As was reported last week…
The self proclaimed number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the planet Hootie Snitch..
Was scheduled to provide you readers with an update this week on his “celebrity golf tournament” in Baneberry Tennessee to “help his momma with the hoof and mouth disease” and provide commentary on the Tennessee Volunteer football program.

Unfortunately Hootie is atop the Baneberry water tower and has vowed “not to come down until the Volunteers win a conference game.”

However, I suspect his “Water Tower Vow” has less to do with the Volunteers lackluster season than it does with Mrs Hootie Snitch (the former Miss Thelma Stroderback) being rather upset with Mr. Snitch.

I say that because….
Hootie has stated that Miss Thelma can empty a bar “when she is a having the PMS….”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“I don’t understand these folks that run the college football on television….
Why do they think it takes ten damn people talking fo’ three hours about a game we already know about?
It don’t make no difference if they was a coach or player or a water boy, we already know who is playing and what’s at stake in the game.

That’s why we is fans, which they don’t seem to understand…..

Them people give me a damn headache just listening to them go on and on and back and forth.
And they have some people calling the games on television…
They don’t know nothing about college football, its traditions or the history of the games and mispronounce the player’s names during the whole damn game.

I even seen a couple of women calling them games….
It’s bad enough they don’t know nothing about the game….
But they is ugly as a shaved rat too….
I tell you it’s damn shame is what it is….”

EDITORS NOTE: Wise words my friend….Wise words.

THE PICKS

Thursday November 4th

Buffalo at Ohio
I’m not sure why an NFL team is playing Ohio University….
Never mind…
It’s the Buffalo Bills, now that makes sense..
FRANKS BOBCATS 33-17

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
This game will be played Thursday Night….
Enter the Sandman….
HOKEY POKEY 24-21

Friday November 5th

Western Michigan at Central Michigan
This instate rivalry is played for the….
“CMU-WMU Rivalry Trophy”
How inventive…
CHIPPEWAS’ 31-28

Central Florida at Houston
The Cougars post season hopes dim as their injury list grows….
Sad, but true…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-21

Saturday November 6th

Virginia at Duke
Fans across the Atlantic Coast Conference have waited for this clash of the titans all year..
Not really, I was just trying to hype a game that nobody really cares about …
CAVALIERS 24-21

Air Force at Army
This game may very well decide who wins the “Commander in Chief’s Trophy”
Now…
If we only had a “Commander in Chief” to award the trophy
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-24

Dickenson at Juniata
Miss Emily Dickenson better be ready for a tussle on Saturday….
Because Juanita just got a new pair of pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants from K-Mart..
She is almost unbeatable in those things….
J-LO DOWN 34-14

Florida at Vanderbilt
The Commodores get shipped on by the Mighty Gators in Music City
In case you were wondering….
I thought that one up myself.
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17

Davidson at Marist
I don’t know much about David’s Son but that Marist is a real Fox
RED FOX 24-20

Louisville at Syracuse
I can’t believe I am writing this…..
OTTO the ORANGE 28-24

Baylor at Oklahoma State
Can you hear that?
It’s the Prairie Wind touching the boys from Wacko in the mean place….
COWBOY UP! 33-24

Idaho State at Georgia
Famous Potatoes gets mashed between the hedges….
And that’s a fact
DAWGS 38-10

Charleston Southern at Kentucky
The Buccaneers gets the crap bucked out of them in the Bluegrass…
JOKERS CATS 43-10

Ursinus at Muhlenberg
I like the Big German Girl in this one….
She looks a lot like the Swiss Miss Girl…
On Steroids
HELGA 31-17

Chattanooga at Auburn
This game is going to be uglier than a party at Charlie Sheen’s House
Minus the cocaine, hookers, midget clowns etc.
WAR DAMN EAGLE 121-3

Akron at Ball State
I wanted to see this game…
But my “Best of Zamfir Pan Flute” CD is supposed to arrive….
ZIPPERS 33-28

UNLV at Brigham Young
I wonder if there was ever a guy named Brigham “Old” …..
Just wondering….
COUGARS 43-10

Rice at Tulsa
I think the most appropriate comment about this game…
Comes once again from that wisest of all modern urban philosophers
M.C. Hammer, when he said and I quote…
“You can’t touch this..”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-21

EDITORS NOTE: That song is stuck in your head now and I am truly sorry…

Temple at Kent State
Saturday is supposed to be a perfect day for football…..
Or in the words of Billy Idol….
“It’s a Nice day for a White Wedding..”
FLASHES of GOLD 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: Not really sure what that is supposed to mean…
I purposely used this song to replace the rather annoying song I placed in your heads earlier.
No need to thank me…

Susquehanna at Worchester Tech
I had no idea the Worchester Sauce people had their own college….
Did you?
SUSIE Q 33-10

Colorado at Kansas
I had every intention of watching this game…
But QVC is having an hour long special on “Ant Farms for Fun and Profit”
BUFFALOS 24-21

Appalachian State at Georgia Southern
The Eagles will get the Statesboro Blues when the Mountaineers roll into town
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17

New Mexico State at Utah State
There will be a lot of Aggies in this one….
But only one Pistol Pete
PISTOL PETE 34-28

Hawaii at Boise State
The national sports media is touting this game as a “Clash for the Championship”
In reality….
It’s neither….
BRONCOS 92-88

Navy at East Carolina
The United States Navy knows how to deal with Pirates….
Or at least they should…
MIDSHIPMEN 34-31

Nebraska at Iowa State
The Husker Nation is on the road to the Big 12 Championship game….
This game will not be a detour…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 43-24

Texas Christian at Utah
I have on good authority that Chuck Norris lives in Fort Worth
That being said….
Those two Utes better run like hell before they get a roundhouse kick to the head!
HORNED FROGS 33-24

Southern Miss at Tulane
This Southern Rivalry is called the “Battle for the Bell”
It’s played every year for “The Bell”
And “The Bell” will stay in Hattiesburg until hell freezes over…
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-10

James Madison at Richmond
I like the James Madison team and I will tell you why…
Any college that names their team after John Wayne is alright by me…
DUKES 24-20

Alabama at LSU
There is nothing like playing a game in Death Valley…
It’s what the Christians must have felt like in the Roman coliseum
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Lenoir-Rhyne at Carson Newman
I can’t believe they spelled this incorrectly in the scheduling guide.
It’s supposed to be…
“Lee Ann Rimes”…..
But as a side note…
Why she is playing college football continues to baffle me…
SPARKS EAGLES 38-24

Boston College at Wake Forest
Two things you can count on in this game…
It’s going to be close…
And the Demon Deacon mascot will scare children and make them cry
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-21

Marshall at UAB
It pains me to write this…..
It really does….
BLAZERS 38-24

Nevada at Idaho
It’s funny how some words have different meanings….
For example:
You might pronounce that name “Ida-Ho”……
People in Obknoxville say….
“Ho-Down”…..
WOLFPACK 44-24

Wyoming at New Mexico
I would rather see Whoopi Goldberg naked than watch this game…
No, that’s a lie….
On the threat of torture and death I wouldn’t want to see that….
LOW BLOWS 24-17

U La La at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt, sometimes you don’t
This week….I do…
FOAM RUBBER REBEL BEARS 43-17

Oregon State at UCLA
There is no doubt about it…
I believe in the Power of the Beaver…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 31-24

Oklahoma at Texas A&M
Honestly, I’m too nauseous over my Whoopi Goldberg comment to say something funny here.
I’ve already thrown up twice….
BOOMER SOONERS 38-34

West Alabama at North Alabama
This instate battle in Alabama is played for something more than a trophy or a catchy name.
It’s pride and bragging rights and that says it all.
MIGHTY LIONS 38-10

Arkansas at South Carolina
The Hogs will keep this one close……
Don’t be surprised if Coach Steve doesn’t lose his visor over this one…
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Troy at North Texas
I love the fine folks in Denton…
But why did they have to name their team after a kitchen cleanser?
MEN OF TROY 28-24

Missouri at Texas Tech
MO knows how to get his guns up….
After all, it is the Home of the James and Younger Boys…
Enough said..
MO’S TIGERS 34-17

Texas at Kansas State
I am going to say what we are all thinking..
Notable exception to this would be Oklahoma and Texas A&M fans…
“Damn it Texas, Come ON!”
Now that I have that out of my system..
LONGHORNS 24-17

Tennessee at Memphis
It’s that time of the year in Volunteer country….
When the Big Orange faithful don their finest wife beaters..
And drive their homes across the state to the land of Elvis…
It’s considered to be a pilgrimage if they tour Graceland…
VOWELS 38-17

Southern Methodist at UTEP
This game promises to be a shoot out….
But I have faith in Coach June’s Boys…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34

Colorado State at San Diego State
I would rather watch..
Hillary Clinton play “strip” Twister with Rosie O’Donnell than watch this game
Sorry I made myself throw up again with that one…
RAM TOUGH 33-31

Arizona State at Southern California
I would watch this game….
But Mike Tyson is going to be on “celebrity” Jeopardy
I bet before the first commercial break he bites Alex Trebek’s ear off….
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Minnesota at Michigan State
This semi-ancient Big Ten Rivalry is played for the “Bucket of Lard”
And in case you were wondering….
Phil Fulmer is the poster child for the Lard Council who sponsors this event.
SPARTANS 43-10

Iowa at Indiana
Another Big Ten game and yet another rivalry trophy…
This game is played each year for the “Sombrero of Bacon”
It may sound tasty to some of you…
But I have on good authority it starts smelling a little gamey by April
EYES of the HAWK 34-17

North Carolina at Florida State
I still miss seeing Coach Bobby on the sidelines….
Wandering around aimlessly in his Vietcong hat, wielding goggles..
And wearing pants with a fifty six inch zipper.
Ahhhhhh Good times.
TAR HEELS 28-24

Virginia at Duke
This game is going to be so boring I listed it twice….
CAVALIERS 24-21

Northwestern at Penn State
Many of you have asked me this year….
After all the years of Coaching in Happy Valley….
What does Joe Pa wear to Lion games for “Good Luck”
The answer is:
Depends
JOE PA’S LIONS 24-21

Arizona at Stanford
I have a philosophical question that is unrelated to this game
If you can purchase a variety of “combination” items from the grocery store
Such as a combination “Mayo and Tuna” package, presumably because they go together.
Then why isn’t there a “Toilet paper and Ex-Lax” combination pack?
I’m just asking…
CARDINAL 34-17

Maryland at Miami
Last week the Hurricanes couldn’t generate enough wind to qualify as a popcorn fart…
That won’t happen this week…
HURRICANES 34-24

Illinois at Michigan
For those folks visiting Ann Arbor this weekend I want to provide a brief safety tip for you
Under NO circumstances should you ask Coach Rod’s wife Rita..
“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
If her answers were not horribly disgusting enough, she felt obligated to act them out…
Frankly what she did with that Sock Money was a crime…
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-31

Wisconsin at Purdue
Behold the Power of Processed Cheese by Products
BADGERS 34-13

Washington at Oregon
I had no idea The History Channel was going to have a three hour special on..
“The History of Macaroni Art” or I would watch this game….
QUACKERS 101-10

North Carolina State at Clemson
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
My Tiger family….
You must believe…
DABOS TIGERS 28-24

California at Washington State
The “announcers” for this PAC 10 game sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks
On helium…
I’m serious…
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 131-0

Enjoy your games…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

We are nearing the end of October…..
And in most parts of the country autumn is in the air….
The air turns crisp as the leaves begin to change color…..
The cool breeze blows the falling leaves across the landscape….
And young and old alike are preparing for Halloween…..
Children in festive costumes, pumpkin carvings of all types decorate porches and windows
But as we all know….
This is also a dangerous time of the year…..

This is also the time of the year…..

When Fat Phil Fulmer will come out of the pumpkin patch
and douse unsuspecting and unsupervised children in a sweet sugary substance and devour them whole.

So please, do not leave your children unsupervised this time of year and remember:
Fat Phil has been known to wear a variety of disguises to lure children into his waiting jaws.
Such as….
He may be dressed as a larger, more transvestite looking Wynonna Judd
that smells suspiciously like Krispy Kreme Bear Claws….

Or he may be disguised as a 600 pound Pumpkin that smells suspiciously like Krispy Kreme donuts….

He may even appear at a distance to be 1978 Buick LeSabre….
that smells like old feet, pancakes and shame…..

And of course his most diabolical disguise to date…
Dressed as “Shamu” and wearing an “I (Heart) Peyton Manning” T-shirt

EDITORS NOTE: Please consider this public service announcement….
as fulfilling the conditions of my community service.

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Although Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator successfully predicted MO’s Tigers upset of the Oklahoma Sooners, I did however miss a number of other games by a light year or two, and I blame that on the full moon and a lack of bourbon.
That being said…..
Last week I was a “Less than Spectacular” 37 and 13 or 74%
And after eight weeks into the college football season I am 372 and 82 or 82%.

Not too bad all things considered…

EDITORS NOTE: But before you ask….
No I do not want to talk about my beloved Texas Longhorns..

BRIEF COMMENTARY ON THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS

Many of you have asked why I haven’t said more about the troubles in Obknoxville or why I haven’t commented on the Alabama Crimson Tide victory last Saturday.
So let me say this….
I don’t believe in kicking anyone or any program when they are down….

This despite what “coach” Phil Fulmer and his cronies attempted to do to the University of Alabama a number of years ago when he was playing a white trash version of Inspector Clouseau with his “Secret Witnesses” and his obsession with all things Crimson.

And let me say this about the Third Saturday in October….
Coach Bryant said to “Win without bragging and lose without excuse”

EDITORS NOTE: That’s the way it’s supposed to be….

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Them folks up north like to make fun of us in the South….
cause they say we take our football too seriously down here.
Well let me tell you something young blood….
We damn sure do take it seriously and you want to know why?
‘Cause everybody up north make fun of us….
They make fun of the way we talk, the way we get along with one another…
our religion, our guns and our way of life. They even make fun of our education….
But them folks need to remember one thing…
They might have more ivy growing on them colleges up north….
But we got more National Championships….
You damn right we take it serious….”

THE PICKS

Thursday October 27th

Florida State at North Carolina State
There is a Halloween “special” going on in Raleigh this week…
It’s a Jimbo size ass whipping…..
JIMBO’S NOLES 38-21

North Alabama at Delta State
The Fighting Okra get fried in Florence on Thursday night….
Believe it….
MIGHTY LIONS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note…..
I hope my upcoming book deal will allow me to be a guest on the Okra Winfrey Show

Friday October 28th

West Virginia at Connecticut
The Mountaineers of Morgantown get back to their winning ways this week…
By making taking the Huskies on a run…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-17

Saturday October 29th

Northwestern at Indiana
Hoosier? As in…….
Who’s your daddy?
WILDCATS 31-21

Juniata at John Hopkins
I know what you are thinking…
That Johnny Hopkins boy turned out alright…
He got his own medical school and everything..
Johnny is going to need that medical training this Saturday
Because I heard Juanita got laid off from the Wal-Mart loading dock..
And she has a J-Lo size mean on..
J –LO DOWN 28-14

Miami at Virginia
According to the National Weather Service….
Hurricane season lasts until November 1st….
So there you go…
HURRICANES 34-17

Tennessee at South Carolina
The Vowels in the Rear View Mirror are a lot closer than they may appear…
Believe it….
GAMECOCKS 24-20

Virginia Military Academy at Army
This game won’t feature the best football played this Saturday afternoon…
But it will feature some of the very best young men in this country
If seeing the cadets from both military academies march into the stadium….

Doesn’t make your heart beat a little faster…
Doesn’t bring a tear to your eye…
Doesn’t make you proud to live in this country…
Then you probably work in the White House…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-17

Purdue at Illinois
This ancient Big Twelve, I mean Eleven…Sorry, I meant Ten Rivalry
Is played each season for something that looks like a miniature Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile…
Not that it matters…
Halloween is right around the corner..
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 38-17

EDITORS NOTE: As a side note….
I heard Kenny Chesney used to drive the Wiener mobile….
How appropriate…

Louisville at Pittsburgh
This Big East rivalry between the river towns is always heated…
and this year I am calling for a “not so upset special”
STRONGS CARDINALS 28-24

Syracuse at Cincinnati
The fact that the Orange beat the West Virginia Mountaineers last week at home is..
One of the first signs of the coming apocalypse…..
It’s in the Bible in the Book of Bryant
KATS of BEAR 24-21

UAB at Southern Miss
The Blazers will get torched in beautiful Hattiesburg…
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here…
GOLDEN EAGLES 33-20

Northern Illinois at Western Michigan
Between the “northern” and the “western” in this game..
I feel like I am reading a Rand McNally Atlas
BRONCOS 31-28

Oklahoma State at Kansas State
I have a feeling the Prairie Wind will be touching the Wildcat’s in the naughty place on Saturday
COWBOY UP! 38-28

Clemson at Boston College
This Atlantic Coast Conference rivalry is played for the O’Rourke- McFadden Trophy
I’m not sure what that actually is….
But I think it looks like a stuffed version of the little guy from Fantasy Island.
Then why don’t they just call it the “Herve Villechaize Trophy”
I’m just asking
DABOS TIGERS 34-17

Akron at Temple
This game features Zippers and Owls…..
Which if you ask me….
Sounds like something dirty is going on down at the barn….
ZIPPERS 33-31

Utica College at Ithaca
If Lou Holtz says the names of these two colleges quickly….
He will form a tsunami of spit…..
It’s a scientific fact
CA’ TSUNAMI 21-17

Marist at Campbell
I still can’t get over Campbell having “Gaylord the Camel” as a mascot….
Not that it matters…
That Marist is a real Fox…
RED FOX 43-10

Citadel at Wofford
This Battle in the Palmetto State….
Is between the school of Chewbacca and the boys from the Military School of South Carolina
I will go with the boys in uniform…
BULLDOGS 31-28

Elon at Chattanooga
The little Cuban boy is going to get a beat down at the home of..
the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum and Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop.
I hope they have time to take the tour before they leave town.
MIGHTY MOCS 38-24

Samford at Georgia Southern
Is it just me….
Or does every time you hear about “Samford” you think about Fred and Lamount?
It’s just me? Never mind then…
EAGLES 34-17

Ball State at Kent State
When I read that Ball State was playing the Golden Flashes…
I thought…..
That sounds like a party at Elton John’s house…
FLASHERS 33-31

Louisiana Lafayette at Ohio
U La La gets mauled by Franks Cats…
Believe it…
FRANKS BOBCATS 31-17

Ursinus at Moravian
I wonder…..
Is this game an indication that a Moron has a urinary infection?
I know, sometimes I wonder too much…
MORONS 21-17

Kansas at Iowa State
This game begs the question…
Whatever happened to the fat kid from “What’s Happening?”
I’m just asking…
CYCLONES 33-17

San Diego State at Wyoming
I know it sounds hard to believe…
But I think the boys from Laramie are going to win one…
I’m serious, stop laughing…
COWBOYS! 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering..
Yes, that would most definitely be an upset special…

Tulsa at Notre Dame
The Golden Hurricanes and the Golden Gnomes..
Sounds like a pair of kids video games for sale at Toys R Us…..
FIGHTING IRISH 38-24

UTEP at Marshall
I know, I know….
My Herd let me down last week against the Pirates..
They won’t this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 31-28

Montana at Weber State
Now I like the people from Weber State as much as anybody…
I personally have owned a number of their grills and smokers and they do indeed make a fine product.
But the Grizzly Bears have a mauling on their mind……
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 43-21

Georgia at Florida
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
This one has the potential to be a shocker….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24

California at Oregon State
Given a choice between Bears and Beavers…
I will take Beavers every time….
It’s how I roll….
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17

Michigan State at Iowa
Cinderella will lose a shoe in Corn Country….
Believe it….
EYES of the HAWK 28-24

Duke at Navy
It has been rumored that the Blue Devils are making a switch at quarterback…
Unfortunately they have selected Leonard Nimoy….
Which is highly illogical….
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Furman at Appalachian State
Seriously, how many colleges did Chewbacca buy with his Star Wars money?
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17

Carson Newman at Newberry
As a fan of Andy Griffith and the town of Mayberry…
I don’t know much about “Newberry”….
but I think it’s close to Mount Pilot
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-28

Miami (OH) at Buffalo
When I first saw this game on the schedule…
I thought the Boys from Miami were playing Wynonna Judd…
If that were the case, they wouldn’t stand a chance..
MEN of RED 34-20

Texas Tech at Texas A&M
In the words of Forrest Gump….
These two teams are like a box of chocolates…
You never know what you are going to get..
GIG EM AGGIES 24-21

Troy at Louisiana Monroe
Believe it or not….
“Louisiana Monroe” is NOT a distant cousin to “Indiana Jones”
Glad I could clear that up for everybody..
MEN OF TROY 34-28

Bowling Green at Central Michigan
Not that it’s all that important here…
But Detroit smells like wet cat food and old urinal cakes
Just thought you should know…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-23

Wake Forest at Maryland
Between a fight between the two mascots…..
Jimmy Swaggart as the Demon Deacon and the Turtle man as the Fighting Terrapin
Although Jimmy does a better crying and begging routine…
I have to go with…
TURTLE MEN 31-24

St. Scholastica at MacMurray College
Who was “Saint Scholastica” anyway, somebody that could spell really well?
That sounds totally made up to me…
But it is nice to know that Fred MacMurray has his own college
THE FIGHTING FREDS 24-10

Southern Methodist at Tulane
My Proud Ponies had a tough couple of weeks….
But they will trample the wave of green Saturday
You better believe it…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS34-17

Missouri at Nebraska
We are too close to Halloween to go against the Children of the Corn
And the “Victory Bell” goes too….
MIGHTY CORNHUSKERS 34-31

East Carolina at Central Florida
The Golden Knights will get tarnished before this one is over
PIRATES 38-34

Arizona at UCLA
I would watch this game….
But VH1 is having a “Behind the Music” Special on David Hasselhoff…
I think it’s all in German…
BRUINS 28-24

San Jose State at New Mexico State
The Spartans of San Jose has been pretty consistent all season….
They consistently get their ass whipped…
PISTOL PETE 38-17

Montana State at Idaho State
Anytime I see “Idaho” anything, I don’t think about potatoes..
I remember a girl in High School named Ida; she had a questionable reputation
BOBCATS 43-24

Auburn at Ole Miss
This game is going to be uglier than pajama night at Neverland Ranch..
WAR DAMN EAGLE 141-3

EDITORS NOTE: Is it too soon for Michael Jackson jokes?

New Mexico at Colorado State
By the way….
Did they ever bury Michael Jackson or are they still dragging him around on tour?
I’m just asking….
RAM TOUGH 24-21

Vanderbilt at Arkansas
The Commodores will keep this one close until the third quarter..
Then it’s all….
HAWGS 38-17

Houston at Memphis
Two great BBQ Towns….
I am going with the beef brisket in this one….
COUGARS 33-28

Washington State at Arizona State
I would watch this game…..
But I am coming down with a bad case of Boogie Woogie Flu and Disco Fever
Sorry…
DEVILS of the SUN 97-3

Stanford at Washington
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Believe it…
HUSKIES 31-28

Kentucky at Mississippi State
Christopher Walken and I are in complete agreement….
You can never have enough Cowbell
BULLY DOGS 28-24

Click here to view the embedded video.

Baylor at Texas
This is an old Southwest Conference rivalry…
But as a side note to this game: “If” my Longhorns….
Lose this game, I want them to know my liver and spleen will explode…
My intestines will be on your conscience…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 24-21

Utah at Air Force
I don’t think you can fit Two Utes in the cockpit of an F-16 Falcon..
Even if it’s the “B” version….
It’s a little tight in there
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-28

Michigan at Penn State
This Rivalry in the North is played for one of the most coveted of all trophy’s.
“The Bejeweled Rolled Loaf of Head Cheese”
You got to hand it to those Yankees….
If there is something that smells bad, they will make a trophy out of it…
JOE PA’S LIONS 31-28

Ohio State at Minnesota
I will keep this simple for the two Golden Gopher fans who read my weekly article
You are going to get your ass whipped on Saturday
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 49-10

Oregon at Southern California
This game is like trying to pick a winner in a war between Iran and Syria
Can’t they both lose?
QUACKERS 54-38

Colorado at Oklahoma
The Buffalos have the same chance of winning this game….
As Hillary Clinton does of being a Hooters Girl….
BOOMER SOONERS 44-17

Utah State at Nevada
This will be the best televised college football game..
On ESPN 3 at 0300 Sunday Morning….
PACK of WOLVES 43-17

Texas Christian at UNLV
Just for the record and for those folks reading this in Tennessee…
“UNLV” does not stand for….
United Norwegian Loquacious Vegans
HORNED FROGS 44-10

Idaho at Hawaii
The folks from Famous Potatoes should really do something about their mascot…
He looks like a convicted child molester out on parole…
I bet Dog the Bounty Hunter would catch him if he was…
That’s all I’m saying….
And in case you were wondering….
Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights
Check your local stations for times..
WARRIORS bounty hunting on RAINBOWS 33-28

Next Week…..
We will return to a normal format with Hootie Snitch providing “commentary” on Tennessee Volunteer Football and an update on his celebrity golf tournament to help his mother with hoof and mouth disease. (You read that correctly)

As well as catching up on Email Questions from by beloved readers…

Have a great Weekend…

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Before we get into this Week’s Picks I believe Congratulations are in order….

After defeating the James Madison Dukes last Saturday the University of New Hampshire Wildcats can take their rightful place as the Number Three Ranked team in College Football!

This of course is based upon the BCS formula of the “three degrees of separation” as it relates to the Virginia Tech Hokies.

Meaning: On the merit of Boise State’s win over Virginia Tech, the Bronco’s moved to the Number Three Ranking, correct? The following week James Madison defeated Virginia Tech and they should have been elevated to at least a Number Three ranking as well, right?

That brings us to last Saturday…
The New Hampshire Wildcats defeated the James Madison Dukes, who defeated the Virginia Tech Hokies and thus are the Number Three Team in College Football!

Now that you understand the logic associated with the BCS….
You too are qualified to determine who will play in the BCS Championship game…

EDITORS NOTES: Based on the BCS formula….
I think New Hampshire has a real shot at the title game..Don’t you?

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

You know it’s a tough week when Chuck Norris references can’t help you….
Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a dismal 40 and 14 or 74%.
That drops me to 335 and 69 or 83% after seven weeks of college football.
But this is no time to dwell on post Saturday heartbreak….

EDITORS NOTE: South Carolina and Nebraska fans take note
It’s the Third Saturday in October….
And that means war….

DUMBASS OF THE WEEK AWARD

In a photo finish….
The Dumbass of the Week Award goes to none other than CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson who said last week after Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett left the game with Auburn with an undisclosed injury….
“ I talk to the Arkansas trainers and I got me no information on it”

EDITORS NOTE: Before the season is over….
I hope Tracy gets “Hooked on Phonics”

Second runner-up for this week’s award goes to Tracy’s colleague in the CBS booth, Vern Lundquist who stated near halftime of the Arkansas – Auburn contest….
“Stay tuned to CBS for all of today’s gay highlights from around the country”

EDITORS NOTES: Who knew Vern was a Kenny Chesney fan?

FAN FAVORITE OF THE WEEK AWARD

This week the Auburn Tiger fans have selected as “The Fan Favorite of the Week”
Southeastern Conference referee Penn Wagers of Summerville South Carolina for providing the Tigers with two unassisted touchdowns in their victory over the Arkansas Razorbacks!
Although they didn’t need the additional touchdowns to win the game…
It is nice to know that Penn cared enough to give the Tigers the extra added bonus to ensure victory!
Congratulations to Penn and War Damn Eagle!

THE PICKS

Thursday October 20th

UCLA at Oregon
This game will be chocked full of Quackers and Bears..
Which coincidently is not unlike a box of animal crackers
QUACK ATTACK 43-17

Friday October 21st

South Florida at Cincinnati
The Boys from Chili Town are fresh off their victory for the Keg of Nails
And that is good enough for me….
BEARKATS 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: Also Cincinnati is the home of Skyline Chili which greatly influences my selection process when it comes to picking the BearKats, just so you know.

Saturday October 22nd

Syracuse at West Virginia
Otto the Orange will feel out of place in Morgantown…
Especially when they roast him on a couch…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-21

Moravian at Juniata
I wonder….
If Morons come from Moravian?
Not that it matters to Juanita
J-LO 28-10

Duke at Virginia Tech
Blue Devils fans finally have something to cheer about…
Basketball season is almost here..
HOKEY POKEY 43-17

Iowa State at Texas
My beloved Longhorns….
Have returned to their winning ways before my liver fell out and my spleen exploded.
Which is nice…
LONGHORNS 28-17

Michigan State at Northwestern
The Spartans are undefeated at this point in the season for the first time in 44 years…
That trend will continue in the Windy City on Saturday…
SPARTANS 38-14

Notre Dame at Navy
Even Golden garden Gnomes won’t help the Fighting Leprechauns this week..
Believe it…
MIDSHIPMEN 28-24

Penn State at Minnesota
The Not So very Golden Gophers have one problem…
Actually they have a lot of problems…
No offense, no defense and nonexistent special teams….
But let’s keep this simple shall we?
Jo Pa is coming to town….
The Governors’ Bell Trophy goes too…
JOE’S LIONS 33-10

Ole Miss at Arkansas
One question….
What the hell does a foam rubber bear have to do with the “Ole Miss Rebels”?
Is that a “rebel” bear? Does he just not get along with the other bears?
Does he do a keen James Dean impression?
That’s just stupid….
RAZORBACKS 38-24

Mars Hill at Carson Newman
You know illegal immigration is a problem…
When people from Mars have their own college..
SPARKS EAGLES 43-28

Indiana at Illinois
This Big Twelve, Eleven, I mean Ten Rivalry…
Is played each year for the “Bottom Feeder of the Conference Trophy”
In case you were wondering….
The Trophy is a stuffed Catfish….
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 31-17

Delaware at William and Mary
This game will have Bill and Mary chasing some hens around a field…
Throw in some fireworks and some liquor and you have a weekend at Hootie Snitch’s house..
BLUE HENS 38-24

Purdue at Ohio State
The Boilermakers will need a few after this one is over….
The Buckeyes have a mean on…
BUCKEYES 34-14

Rutgers at Pittsburgh
The Knights will leave the home of Iron City Beer with a Scarlett face…
Believe it…
PANTHERS 24-17

Maryland at Boston College
Honestly this game is a tossup….
Because both teams have more personalities than a schizophrenic
TURTLEMEN 24-21

Ohio at Miami (OH)
Coach Franks Cats of Bob are ready but the boys from Miami are red hot..
RED HAWKS 33-28

Wyoming at Brigham Young
I have a philosophical question….
If Wyoming and Washington State played against each other..
How many days would it be until someone scored?
COUGARS 38-10

Chattanooga at Furman
Choo-Choo and Chewbacca….
Sounds like a chewing tobacco company…
MIGHTY MOCS 28-24

Northern Arizona at Montana
Not even a bunch of lumberjacks can calm a grizzly bear…
I saw that once on the Animal Planet…
GRIZZZZZZZ 41-24

Kent State at Bowling Green
This battle of the Buckeye State is played for the “Jimmy Crack Corn Trophy”
Because if you aren’t the Buckeyes in Ohio, then nobody cares…
FALCONS 31-17

Rice at Central Florida
My Favorite Pudding doesn’t get breaded this weekend….
PUDDING POPS 28-24

Connecticut at Louisville
I still believe the Cardinals are Strong….
STRONGS CARDNIALS 31-28

North Alabama at Ouachita Baptist
Little known fact..
Like most denominations of the Baptist faith….
The Ouachita Baptist will not make love standing up…
For fear someone will see them and think they were dancing..
MIGHTY LIONS 34-14

Kansas State at Baylor
In case you were wondering..
The slogan…
“Let’s go Wacko in Waco”
Wasn’t cool anymore when the Branch Davidians moved into the neighborhood
WILDCATS 28-20

Millsaps at Centre
I didn’t know Ronnie Millsaps had his own college?
I wonder if Conway Twitty does too?
Never mind…
RONNIE’S BOYS 24-17

Wisconsin at Iowa
I told you about the Power of Cheese last week…
This week it’s all about Cheese Curls…
HAWKS EYES 31-24

LSU at Auburn
I am going out on a limb here….
But I believe the Tigers are going to win this game…
Call it a Prognosticators Hunch….
TIGERS 28-24

EDITORS NOTE: Hey Fightn’ Tigers…..

Georgia Tech at Clemson
I think it’s worth mentioning here….
I miss my adopted Clemson Tiger Family…
This one is for you all….
DABO’S TIGERS 28-23

Houston at Southern Methodist
I know my Ponies took it on the chin last weekend….

EDITORS NOTE: That was in no way intended as a slight on the Chinese people..
This country owes them far too much money for me to make them angry

MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28

Arizona State at California
I would watch this game…..
But there is a “special” on Sea Monkeys on the Discovery Channel.
You do know they are natures perfect animal, right?
DEVILS of the SUN 6-3

Massachusetts at New Hampshire
The Nations Number Three Wildcats takes on the Men of Minutes…
In a clash which is located ten miles from the arctic circle…
Just thought I would throw that in…
WILDCATS 24-17

Marshall at East Carolina
I won’t forget the Thundering Herd’s game with the Pirates on November 14th 1970…
And neither should you…
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24

Hawaii at Utah State
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it…
But Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E Network on Wednesday Evenings..
Check your local listings for times in your area…
WARRIORS Bounty Hunting on RAINBOWS 38-28

Washington State at Stanford
I don’t know if I mentioned it…..
But the Cougars couldn’t beat the West Orange Texas High School Mustangs…
And that’s a damn fact
CARDINAL 151-0

New Mexico State at Idaho
Have you seen the Idaho Vandal mascot?
He really does look a pedophile out on parole….
I half expect to see him with an ankle tracker…
PISTOL PETE 38-34

Eastern Michigan at Virginia
I don’t mean to be cavalier about my selection here….
CAVALIERS 31-21

Colorado State at Utah
“Two what? What was that word? Two What?”

Click here to view the embedded video.

UAB at Mississippi State
Coach Dan’s Bulldogs have already done some Urban renewal in the Swamp..
Now they are ready for homecoming in Starkville
DAN’S DAWGS 34-10

South Carolina at Vanderbilt
Coach Steve will have his Roosters ready to crow in the Music City
Believe it…
GAMECOCKS 38-17

Texas A&M at Kansas
I would watch this game but I am hosting a Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey accessory party…
It’s like a Tupperware party except with Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey accessories.
I did tell you they were natures perfect animal right?
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24

Alabama at Tennessee
It’s the Third Saturday in October….
This is Republicans and Democrats..
Its Cowboys and Indians…
Its oil and water
Except its worse…
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

North Carolina at Miami
The Heels get Tarred in South Beach….
And “No” it has nothing to do with the BP Oil spill…
HURRICANES 24-21

Georgia at Kentucky
Here is a little lesson in life….
Dawgs tree cats, it’s what they do…
SIC EM DAWGS 34-24

Air Force at Texas Christian
The Mighty Falcons get grounded in Fort Worth…
And it won’t be due to bad weather…
HORNED FROGS 38-17

Washington at Arizona
Didn’t I mention earlier that Dogs tree cats?
I did?
Then this one is easy…
HUSKIES 31-24

Nebraska at Oklahoma State
The Prairie Wind is getting ready to touch the Cowboys in the naughty place…
CORNHUSKERS 28-24

Oklahoma at Missouri
UPSET SPECIAL!
MO Knows Upsets…
I know that because on every episode of the Three Stooges MO looks upset..
MO’S TIGERS 33-28

Texas Tech at Colorado
The Red Raiders saddle up to get back to their winning ways….
At least that’s the plan…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 28-24

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

There are some things in this life I know for a certainty
For example….
Why a dog licks himself….

EDITORS NOTE: The correct answer is…
“Because he can”

But there are other questions in the universe that continue to confound even the brightest minds
For instance….

Why does a dog eat cat poop?
They are sworn enemies….
Is that supposed to send a message to all felines that “I got one over on you” by eating their poop?
I don’t get it….

EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask….
No, this column is not going to be about poop….
But if I had a video of monkey’s throwing poop I would have it on here..

But I say all of that to say this….
How in the hell is Lame Kiffin a Head Coach of anything?
And…
What does a shark in a foam rubber costume…
Have to do with being the Ole Miss “Rebels” mascot?

EDITORS NOTE: I retract my earlier statement….
I guess this column was about poop….

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

After last week your Favorite College Football Prognosticator feels a little bit like the Alabama Crimson Tide after their game with the South Carolina Gamecocks.

Bruised, battered and disappointed.

Last week I was a “not so impressive” 46 and 11 or 81% and that leaves me at 295 and 55 or an underachieving 84% for the season.

In an effort to get back on track I am pulling out the “Big Guns”

Not only will Rufus Johnson return this week to “Drop Some Knowledge on Yo’ Ass”
But the Picks this week will be in Honor of Chuck Norris’s Birthday…

EDITORS NOTE: I know what you are thinking….
Isn’t Chuck Norris’s birthday March 10th?
Yes it is….But Chuck Norris decides when his birthday is, not you.
Unless you want to die.

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON
“Football is a lot like life. It ain’t about winning, cause everybody is a good winner and everybody like to win. It’s about how you handle yo self after a loss. You going to lose a lot in this life and you better get used to it, but that don’t make you a loser. It’s what you do with a loss that makes you what you are”

THE PICKS

Thursday October 13th

South Florida at West Virginia
Chuck Norris doesn’t make a splash when he jumps in the water….
The water is just getting out of his way….
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-14

Valdosta State at North Alabama
The Blazers get torched in Florence….
Believe it
MIGHTY LIONS 33-28

Friday October 14th

Cincinnati at Louisville (Bucket of nails)
This rivalry game between the river city’s is played for the “Keg of Nails”
Which coincidently is what Chuck Norris has every morning for breakfast
STRONGS CARDINALS 31-28

Saturday October 8th

Illinois at Michigan State
The Fighting Pumpkins are on a roll after their win in Happy Valley…
But the Spartans are at home and they are ready to rumble
SPARTANS 28-21

Pittsburgh at Syracuse
Little known fact….
Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience…
PANTHERS 24-21

Maryland at Clemson
I still believe in the Power of Death Valley and Howard’s Rock…
Yeah, it’s like that…
DABO’S TIGERS 27-23

Southern Miss at Memphis
If you play “Chuck Norris Says” and you don’t do what Chuck Norris says…..
You Die….
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-17

Minnesota at Purdue
This game is like watching old people eat steak at the Golden Corral…
At first it’s kind of funny….
Then it’s just sad…
BOILERMAKERS 34-17

Dickinson at Susquehanna
Emily Dickinson has a College?
Susie is going to whip her candy ass..
SUSIE Q 33-10

Boston College at Florida State
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes…..
Chuck Norris has 72 pairs of chromosomes and they are all poisonous…
NOLES 38-17

Arkansas State at Indiana
Chuck Norris does not get frost bite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
HOMERS 43-10

North Carolina State at East Carolina
There is light at the end of the tunnel….
You better pray it’s not Chuck Norris
WOLF PACK 38-14

Miami (OH) at Central Michigan
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes…
CHIPPEWAS’ 28-17

Vanderbilt at Georgia
UGA VIII who is also known as Big Bad Bruce will take the field as the Georgia mascot during the homecoming festivities between the hedges this weekend. And as a side note…
I Love that big ole dog…
SIC EM DAWGS 33-17

Miami (FL) at Duke
If Chuck Norris were a calendar………..
Every month would be named Chucktober and every day he’d kick your ass.
HURRICANES 34-10

Akron at Ohio
The only thing faster than the speed of light is the speed of Chuck Norris’s fist
ZIPPERS 33-24

Gettysburg at Juniata
I am still not over the loss at Gettysburg….
Just so you know…
J-LO 33-17

Western Michigan at Notre Dame
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword….
He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick
FIGHTING IRISH 34-21

Texas at Nebraska
I wish I had better news for my beloved Longhorns….
But I don’t..
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-21

Rhode Island at Delaware
Little known fact…
Chuck Norris can tap dance through a mine field….wearing clown shoes.
FIGHTING BLUE HENS 44-10

New Hampshire at James Madison
Contrary to popular belief….
A handicapped parking sign does not signify that the spot is designated for handicapped people.
It is in fact a warning…..
That the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
DUKES 34-17

California at Southern California
According to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity….
Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday…
DA BEARS 6-5

Wake Forest at Virginia Tech
Leading hand sanitizers clam they can kill 99% of germs…
Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants too…
HOKEY POKEY 28-24

Iowa at Michigan
Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” has said she will be wearing something “Lucky” for the game on Saturday against the Hawkeyes.
Let’s hope it’s a bag to go over her head….
EYES OF THE HAWK 33-24

Southern Methodist at Navy
This game is going to be fight from start to finish…..
It’s played for the coveted “Gansz Trophy”
Who I believe was the first guy Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-31

Houston at Rice
This intercity Cow Town Battle is for the “Bayou Bucket”
And the Bucket of Bayou goes too….
COUGARS 31-28

Middle Tennessee State at Georgia Tech
It’s important to remember….
Lightning doesn’t strike twice, Chuck Norris does…
YELLOW JACKETS 33-17

Tennessee State at Jacksonville State
Curiosity killed the cat…..
Every other cause of death: Chuck Norris
GAMECOCKS 38-24

Brigham Young at Texas Christian
Chuck Norris doesn’t have bad days…..
Bad days have Chuck Norris..
HORNED FROGS 38-31

Georgia Southern at Chattanooga
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear…..
It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic.
It was so terrified in fact….
That all of its decedents now have white hair…
STATESBORO EAGLES 33-31

Citadel at Appalachian State
Chuck Norris wears sunglasses to protect the sun from his eyes…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

Utah at Wyoming
Even Two Utes are no match for Chuck Norris….
TWO UTES 54-10

North Carolina at Virginia
There is no Theory of Evolution….
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live….
TAR HEELS 28-17

Iowa State Oklahoma
Have you ever wondered how George Washington got across the Delaware River?
Everyone got into their boats and Chuck Norris punted them across….
BOOMER SOONERS 43-17

Ohio State at Wisconsin
The Buckeyes always have a problem in Madison with the Power of Cheese…
This game will be no different…
BUCKEYES 28-24

Baylor at Colorado
Just for the record…..
Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people…
He makes people dead…
BUFFALOS 33-24

Kent State at Toledo
Pictures of Chuck Norris are considered currency in most countries…
BOTTLE ROCKETS 31-17

Arizona at Washington State
Chuck Norris only has one Hand….
The upper Hand…
WILDCATS 114-0

McNeese State at LSU
Smells Like Home Coming in Death Valley…..
Cowboy Down….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10

Boise State at San Jose State
What’s the easiest way to a person’s heart?
Chuck Norris’s Fist…..
BRONCOS 132-0

Air Force at San Diego State
According to California High School History Books….
This wouldn’t be the first time the United States Air Force Bombed the Aztecs…
MIGHTY FALCONS 33-10

Montana at Portland State
Chuck Norris was once asked to play “Rock, Paper, Scissors”
When he learned roundhouse kick was not an option…
He immediately decapitated everyone with a roundhouse kick
GRIZZZZZZZ 34-10

Oregon State at Washington
You can ask anybody….
I am all about the Beavers…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-24

New Mexico State at Fresno State
If you misspell “Chuck Norris” on Goggle…..
It doesn’t say: Did you mean Chuck Norris?
It says….
RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!!
PISTOL PETE 28-24

Nevada at Hawaii
Chuck Norris doesn’t have a reflection in the mirror…
Because it’s afraid to look at Chuck Norris….
PACK OF WOLVES 44-17

Ole Miss at Alabama
It’s time for the Tide to Roll in….
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17

Missouri at Texas A&M
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…a suicide.
MO KNOWS 31-24

South Carolina at Kentucky
This game will be closer than you might think….
A Lot closer…
GAMECOCKS 31-28

Carson Newman at Catawba
I thought Catawba was a wine?
Who knew they had a college too?
SPARKS EAGLES 34-21

EDITORS NOTE: I wonder if Boone’s Farm has a college.

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
Chuck Norris doesn’t live on earth….The earth lives under Chuck Norris.
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS 34-33

Arkansas at Auburn
This game has all the potential to be a shoot-out….
Because it will be…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 31-28

Mississippi State at Florida
The Gators return to form…
But they have to work for it….
URBAN GATORS 24-21

Kansas State at Kansas
This game is called the “Sunflower Showdown”
And that is explanation enough on why Chuck Norris will never attend this game..
WILDCATS 28-24

Army at Rutgers
There is only one thing we can be sure of in this life….
Chuck Norris
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 28-21

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

Many of you have been kind enough to write “What Happened to Last Weeks Picks?”

I was going to write that I had the unfortunate experience of listening to a replay of a conversation between ESPN “commentator” Pam Ward and “commentator” Beth Mowins and the combination of the their two voices gave me an aneurism.

But that wouldn’t be true.

We all know that combination would make your head pop off your shoulders.

The fact is….

I wanted to make time stop…..
Just for a day….
In Honor of the Steel Magnolia

Enjoy Your Picks…

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Now you might not believe this….
But Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator Picked every game correct last week..
You don’t believe it?
Have no fear “those numbers” won’t be included in the overall tally…
But thus far we are 249 and 44 or a rather substandard 85% for the Season.

But have no fear College Football Fans….
In an effort to break this drought, I am bring in my “not-so” secret weapon

One of Opp Alabama’s Favorite Sons….
The Fishing Philosopher of Barker’s Pond…..
Mister Rufus Johnson…..

Or as he is fond of saying to me….
“Take a seat young blood….
I’m going to drop some knowledge on yo damn ass…”

DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON

“Football is lot like life, it’s full of trick plays and sometimes you get burned on a long one you should have seen coming, but what you got to do is put that play behind you; because you ain’t getting it back. Tighten that chin strap and show them what you are made of; now get yo damn ass back in the game and hit somebody.”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend…
Next week Rufus will discuss his fishing trip with God….
No, I’m serious; he said he really went fishing with the Boss and I’m not talking about Bruce Springsteen

THE PICKS

Thursday October 6th

Nebraska at Kansas State
I have seen all the movies…..
I know what the Children of the Corn are capable of in Farm country…
It’s Frightening…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 33-17

Delta State at Arkansas Monticello
This titanic Battle between the Fighting Okra and the Bo Weevils…..
Well it may not be a “titanic” battle….
But the mascots are awesome and that’s good enough for me…
FRIED OKRA (My personal favorite) 24-17

Friday October 7th

Connecticut at Rutgers
I got this pick from my “adopted” family in Atlantic City…
Now I know what you are thinking…
But just because they are Italian-Americans
Does not mean they are involved in any way with organized crime…
And as a side note….
They asked for the addresses of my “negative” emails….
They said they wanted to “talk” to them…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 31-27

Oklahoma State at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is in for a rough ride in Stillwater…..
And by that I mean they are going to get an Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions
COWBOY UP 38-10

Saturday October 8th

Indiana at Ohio State
The Hoosiers get Hammered in the Horseshoe
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: I’m not sure….
But I think if I could have managed three other words beginning with “H” in that sentence I would have set some kind of personal record.

Central Michigan at Virginia Tech
This game features Native Americans and Turkeys….
I wasn’t aware we were that close to Thanksgiving?
HOKEY POKEY 33-28

Boston College at North Carolina State
I don’t know if you heard that sound?
It’s me jumping on the Pack of Wolves Bandwagon….
WOLFPACK 28-17

Syracuse at South Florida
Otto the Orange should feel right at home in Florida….
That is until the Bulls squeeze the pulp out of him
NO BULL 34-14

Illinois at Penn State
The Fighting Pumpkins get smashed in Happy Valley…
Film at Eleven
JO PA’S LIONS 28-17

Minnesota at Wisconsin
This rivalry in the Big Twelve, or Eleven…I Mean Ten
Is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan’s Axe and a Slab of Bacon”
Little known fact….
They added the “bacon” element to the trophy a few years ago to ward off Islamic terrorist; the tactic appears to be successful.
BADGERS 38-21

Baylor at Texas Tech
The folks from Waco have one of the finest medical schools in the country.
Yeah that’s about all I have to say about the Baylor Bears…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 33-21

Juniata at Muhlenberg
This Trailer Park Tussle features…
Juanita, or “J-Lo” as she prefers to be called…
Against….
The Mule Faced German girl….
That German girl has a face only a bulldog could love..
And she looks like she could bench press a Buick….
That’s good enough for me.
MULE GIRL 28-17

Tennessee at Georgia
I have a philosophical question before I make this pick between the hedges…
If the Coaches and Players at the University of Tennessee can’t count to “11”
Then how hard is it to get a math degree from there?
I’m just asking…
SIC EM DAWGS 28-24

Memphis at Louisville
I will make this one simple….
Charlie’s Cardinals are Stronger than the Velvet Elvis’s…
STRONGER CARDINALS 34-14

Chattanooga at Citadel
If you are in Chuck-Town this weekend, don’t miss this game
It’s going to be a shoot out
Believe it
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34

Bowling Green at Ohio
This Battle of the Buckeye State is played for the “Dirty Sock Monkey Trophy”
Why I have no idea…
BOWLING FOR FALCONS 33-31

Colorado State at Air Force
This Rocky Mountain Rivalry is played for the Ram Falcon Trophy
And it is my understanding that it will stay in Colorado Springs
Until Colorado becomes Ocean front property
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-14

Elon at Appalachian State
That poor little Cuban boy…..
This game could easily constitute child abuse…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17

Idaho State at Montana
the Grizzlies are for real and Idaho is famous for their potatoes…
There’s your difference
GRIZZZZZZ 34-10

Wyoming at Texas Christian
This game is going to be uglier than…..
“Take Your Pig to the Prom” night in Baneberry Tennessee
HORNED FROGS 44-10

Pittsburgh at Notre Dame
This ancient college football rivalry is played for the coveted “Shillelagh of Shame”
This sounds like something you really “don’t” want to win
If you know what I mean…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24

Akron at Kent State
Since 1946 this game between the “Zippers” and the “Golden Flashes”…
Is played for the coveted “Wagon Wheel” Trophy….
Golden Flashes and Zippers?
That sounds like something nasty is going on at the nursing home
ZIPPERS 24-17

Virginia at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck is going to be on the Cavaliers faster than Bill Clinton on an Intern.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10

UNLV at West Virginia
Vegas comes to Morgantown West “By God” Virginia
Talk about your culture shock…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-10

Arkansas at Texas A&M
This game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl
Because we have no idea which team is going to show up…
HAWGS 31-24

North Alabama at North Georgia
There are far too many references to “North” for me in this game…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-24

Army at Tulane
The Black Knights of the Hudson better calm the Green Wave….
Or there will be a “Change of Command”….
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-17

Michigan State at Michigan
As you all know this game is played for the “Paul Bunyan Ax”
Which most Wolverine Alumni would like to plant in Coach Rod’s head.
WOLVERINES 33-31

Clemson at North Carolina
Both teams are struggling to hang on to the football….
Don’t be surprised if this isn’t a “Fumble Fest”
DABO’S TIGERS 28-24

Oregon at Washington State
The Bulldogs of Sweeny Texas could beat Washington State….
And that’s a fact…
QUACKERS 142-0

WofFord at Georgia Southern
Chewbacca gets the Statesboro Blues….
I love that Album…
EAGLES 33-17

San Diego State at Brigham Young
Just so you all know….
When I use the term “Ancient” as in Ancient Aztecs…
I am not in any way referring to Bobby Bowden…
COUGARS 44-10

Wingate at Carson Newman
Wingate? That sounds like the name of some smart ass rich kid….
I hope he gets his ass whipped…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-21

Navy at Wake Forest
It is my understanding that Jimmy Swaggart will act as the Demon Deacon mascot for this game
I wonder if you could go on a crying jag while he makes balloon animals.
I think the kids would love it
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24

Utah at Iowa State
Two Utes in a Cyclone?
Wasn’t that a Disney movie?
TWO UTES 38-17

Miami (OH) at Cincinnati
This instate war on I-75 will go to the Boys from Chili Town
BEARKATS 33-17

Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt
A Commodore out ranks anyone with an Eagle…
Those are the rules…
DORES 28-14

Colorado at Missouri
MO knows how to tame a Buffalo….
And just for the record…
Curly is my favorite of the Three Stooges
MO’S TIGERS 33-17

James Madison at Towson
The Number Three Dukes take on the Towson Cookie factory…
They better watch out, I hear those elves are tricky
DUKES 38-17

Occidental at La Verne
I wonder if La Verne is Occidental prone?
Sometimes I wonder too much…
OXY MORON 21-17

East Carolina at Southern Miss
I wish I was in Hattiesburg right now….
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-28

Purdue at Northwestern
I wish I cared, but I don’t
WILDCATS 28-14

Auburn at Kentucky
The Wildcats will keep this really close until right after the Fly Over…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Southern California at Stanford
Unfortunately this game comes on at the same time…
as the Amish Butter Churning Championships or I would watch it….
I think Ishmael could win it all this year
CARDINAL 34-24

Tulsa at Southern Methodist
Two Words for you….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17

Toledo at Boise State
Another “tough” out of conference opponent for the Smurf Turf Bunch…
And in case you were wondering…
The Broncos scheduled Toledo
Because the Breaux Bridge Hair and Nail Salon Academy is busy preparing for Notre Dame next week
BRONCOS 167-3

Florida State at Miami
This instate battle in the Sunshine State won’t seem the same without Coach Bobby wandering helplessly on the sidelines with his Vietcong hat and his pants with the forty inch zipper.
Ah Good Times…
NOLES 33-28

Mississippi State at Houston
This Pick is for my beloved Bulldog faithful…
Miss Melanie, Larry and their beautiful girls and of course Bulldog Jim
BULLY DOGS 38-21

New Mexico at New Mexico State
This instate battle is known as the Rio Grande Rivalry
And it is played for “The Maloof Trophy”
Which closely resembles a bucket of sand with a cactus stuck in it…
Which is nice
PISTOL PETE 28-24

Rice at UTEP
My Favorite Pudding takes a pounding at the Hands of the Miners
MINERS 34-17

Hawaii at Fresno State
This game is played for the “Golden Screwdriver”
Yes, I’m serious….
Which reminds me….
That Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E network on Wednesday Nights
Check your local listings for times in your area.
BULLDOGS 28-24

San Jose State at Nevada
I would watch this game…..
But the History of Jell-o is going to be on the Food Channel…
Sorry
WOLF PACK 56-0

UCLA at California
I am trying to remember why I am supposed to care about this game?
BRUINS 6-3

Alabama at South Carolina
This will be a fight from opening bell to the final whistle…
Believe it..
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21

Arizona State at Washington
There are a lot of questions surrounding this game…
For instance…
Why should we care?
Is there anything on the Food Channel?
What’s that on the carpet?
You get the picture..
HUSKIES 31-27

Oregon State at Arizona
Keep the faith Beaver Jim….
This is going to happen
BEAVERS 24-21

LSU at Florida
The Mighty Gators bounce back and Les Miles gets a Mickey Mouse Watch
I call this a “Win-Win”
MIGHTY GATORS 28-21

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I don’t know much about him so I suppose he may be.

But I do know that courage comes in many forms, shapes and sizes.

I know there are American’s walking all over Afghanistan like billy goats…
fighting Islamic Terrorists that would rather hide underneath women’s skirts…
than fight toe to toe with us.

Those American’s certainly are courageous…

And I know a lady in Florida who is fighting an enemy that is just as deadly and just as cowardly.
She has been fighting this war for as long as we have been in Afghanistan.

Her name is Sarah Jenner

She is the Steel Magnolia and she has cancer.

I call Sarah the Steel Magnolia because she possesses the beauty, charm, character and toughness that personify Southern women and yet her laughter can light up a room quicker than General Electric.

Sarah and her husband Deke….
Suffice to say the Lord didn’t put two finer or tougher people on this earth.
They are the type of people who are a joy to be around because of the way they live life.
If there were more people like them, this would be a better world to live in, I promise you that.
I love them both.

They have character, devotion and a love for each other that is rare today.
They have both waged a courageous battle against this deadly enemy;
Fighting day in and day out and even on Sunday’s for years.
There isn’t another living human being that could have taken the fight to the enemy quite like Sarah.
She has endured surgeries and treatments that would make the strongest man’s knees buckle.
And every step of the way, Deke fought alongside her and supported her through every battle, every let down and every triumph.
There is no greater love.

I have prayed for them harder than I have ever prayed for anything or anybody in my life,
including myself and there was a time it looked like the enemy had surrendered.

Then I got the email….

It came back with a vengeance.

For the Steel Magnolia this war is coming to an end.

There will be no more battles to fight, no more treatments or surgeries to endure.

My heart or what’s left of it is breaking for the Steel Magnolia and Deke

Words fail to describe my pain, disappointment and heartache…
But it pales in comparison to what Sarah and Deke and their family and closest friends are feeling.

I don’t know why God takes such beautiful people from our midst.

Maybe it’s to remind us of how beautiful the world could be…

Maybe it’s to show us true love and devotion….

Maybe it’s to show us what personal courage and endurance really means..

Maybe it’s to put perspective on our own issues and problems…..

I don’t have any answers or I would share them with you here…

But I do have a favor to ask…..

When you hit your knees tonight….
Ask God to take care of Sarah and Deke and their family….
And remember the other warriors fighting the same vicious battles, in the same deadly war.
Day in and day out….

They need your prayers too.

EDITORS NOTE: I debated using their names for fear of embarrassing them.
But my sincere desire is to honor them both and recognize the wonder of their love and the depth of their devotion.
I don’t know how I could have done that without mentioning their names.
Deke and Sarah I Love You Both

RTR
MEB

And I got me a royal case of the red ass….

And I will tell you why….

First off I’m a sitting here in my bar “Scooters” located in Baneberry Tennessee right next to Frank’s Fireworks Stand and before yawl even write me I know the damn sign on my bar is missing the last “S” in Scooter’s. That ole boy that put it together has got himself a prosthetic eye, I heard he lost it in a weed eater accident and he don’t see so good, so that’s why it’s a missing the last “S”.

But I’m here a nursing me a hangover from hell…
Because of the last two damn weeks of Tennessee Volunteer football.

If you don’t know what I mean, then here you go…

Two weeks ago….
The Volunteers got cheated out of a damn game with them Oregon Ducks..
How do I know that?
Let me tell you….

What do Ducks like? “Water” am I right?
You damn right I’m a right on that one!
So the Volunteers was a handling them Ducks pretty good and a winning the game….
Until it started to rain, that’s right I said RAIN…
Well, that is unfair as hell!
Because that was a when them damn Ducks took off!

What they should have done was stopped the game until it quit raining!
Because it ain’t fair to try and catch ducks in the rain and it don’t make good sense neither!
Them damn Pack 10 referees ain’t worth a tinkers damn if you ask me!
So they basically gave the game to the Ducks…..

Then this past Saturday the damn Urban Gators come to town….
We had us about ten chances to win that game, we damn sure did..
And couldn’t do it cause the Gators cheat like hell and the referees are all on their side cause they probably live down in Florida.

On top of all of that I went to both of them games and felt like me and my wife got cheated on our tickets cause…
a whole bunch of Volunteer fans started leaving in the third quarter in both of them games.

So I asked one of them “so called Tennessee fans” during the Florida game,
if they bought a ticket for half the game and they started a cussing a blue streak and having a full blown hissy fit.
So I accused him of being a Gator fan in Vol clothes!
Which I don’t know if it’s true or not but it’s all I could come with at the time.
And you know what?
Me and the Mrs. Thelma Stroderback –Snitch still don’t know if there is a damn ticket for only half the game at Tennessee?

So there you have it…
Now even though I ain’t too happy about right now…
I am still a going to answer some of my fans questions cause I know yawl want to know what’s on Ole Hootie’s mind.

Hootie’s Email Questions

Q: Hootie I got a question for you
I know there all kinds of turf now days in college football…
But which do you like better artificial turf or natural grass?
GO VOLS!
Jimmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: I don’t know Jimmy I ain’t never smoked any artificial turf

Q: Hey Hootie!
Hey I noticed the new Tennessee Volunteer helmets have a “T” on the front of the helmet,
when it used to say “Vols”, is there a reason for the change?
Tina – Dunlap, Tennessee

A: As you know Tina, Coach Drooly is trying to put more emphasis on the education for the players,
so they put the “T” on the front because it stands for “Knowledge”.
They say it makes them players smarter…

Q: Hey Hootie! How Bout them Gators!
Randy – Gainesville, Florida

A: Let me tell you something Randy…
You don’t want to go to “Fist City” with me boy!
I can’t even walk around Baneberry with my hands in my pockets
because the Police will arrest me for concealing two deadly weapons, so you better watch your damn mouth!
Smartass Gator…

Q: Hootie –
Now that you have your bar off its wheels and in a permanent location…
what have you been up to other than supporting the Big Orange?
Do you still work at Dollywood?
Roy – Knoxville, Tennessee

A: Thanks for asking Roy, that last email made my red ass flare up…
Well me and the Miss’s are a running “Scooters” and she is still doing her hand modeling for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store and she is still writing some songs and driving a Baneberry school bus.
The Dollywood show I was in “Who Let the Clogs out?” closed up at the end of the summer.
But I got me a “new” audition coming up at Dollywood for the musical “Phantom of the Oprah”

Q: Give it to us straight Hootie!!!!
As a loyal died in the wool, your blood bleeds orange Tennessee Volunteer Fan..
What do you think about our Football Coach?
“The Boy’s” from Big Ed’s Tire and Appliance, Johnson City, Tennessee

A: Well Boys….
I think Coach Drooly is doing fine, for now….
And I know we can’t get Coach Phil Fulmer back,
because he took that job as “The Ambassador of Lard” for the Tennessee Pride Sausage Company.
But like everybody else I have a Dream…..
That one day….
In the not too distant future….
“He” will come home to Coach the Volunteers
I get misty eyed every time I look at this picture…

One last thing…
Don’t yawl dare forget about my Celebrity Golf Tournament coming up on the 16th of October during the Volunteers bye week.
It’s going to be held right here in Baneberry Tennessee and most of the money is going to a worthy cause.
It’s to help my momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

See yawl there!

Hootie Out!

Before we get into this week’s selections…..
I would like to “thanks” in no particular order:

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
The Minnesota O’ so very Golden Gophers
Coach Drooley and the Tennessee Volunteers
Zippy the Akron Kangaroo and the entire football coaching staff at West Point….

For completely screwing up Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator’s weekly average
and sending your fans into fits of rage while dashing for the liquor cabinet.

I hope you’re happy….

But certainly this past week wasn’t all frustration and consternation….
The West Virginia Mountaineers….
Scored 15 points in the final two minutes of the game with Marshall
to win the “The Friends of Coal Bowl” and the Governors Cup.

The Mighty Air Force Falcons carpet bombed the Cougars of BYU…..

And Reggie Bush was forced to return the Heisman Trophy….
No need to thank me for that one folks…..
It’s how I roll……

Enjoy your picks…..

PRE-GAME WARM UP

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a disappointing 61 and11 or 85% for the second week of the season.
That leaves us at 133 and 21 or 86% after only two weeks.
Like I said last week….
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks

THE PICKS

Thursday September 16th

Cincinnati at North Carolina State
I have a “gut feeling” about this game….
I just hope it’s not gas….
WOLFPACK 28-24

Concordia Selma at Carson Newman
I don’t know about Concordia, but I think I knew her brother Tommy…
That Tommy Selma was tougher than a pine knot….
Which of course has nothing what so ever to do with this pick….
SPARKS EAGLES 33-17

Friday September 17th

Kansas at Southern Miss
Call me crazy if you want too….
It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

California at Nevada
Honestly I would watch this game…..
But the Animal Planet is having a “special” documentary on the Armadillo entitled
“The Armadillo: Natures little tank or possum on the half shell?”
GAYLORD THE BEAR 33-24

Saturday September 18th

Connecticut at Temple
This little known rivalry in the northeast is played for the coveted…
“Hoobastank Trophy”…
Not really, but it’s a fun word to say isn’t it?
HUSKIES 28-24

Muhlenberg at Susquehanna
Now I know what you are thinking….
Can the German girl take Susie after last week’s tussle with Juanita….
I believe she can, I heard she was a former East German shot putter
MULE GIRL 24-17

Northern Illinois at Illinois
The “Fighting Illini” continue their “brutal” out of conference schedule..
By beating the living hell out of junior colleges and technical schools within their own state.
PUMPKINS’ O’ FIGHTING 34-17

Maryland at West Virginia
I would have a lot more faith in the Fighting Terrapins if they had a really cool mascot…
Say like “The Turtle Man” as seen in the video below….
Before you ask…Yes, He is real….
But until Maryland hires him it’s time to light those couches…
MOUNTAINEERS 33-27

Click here to view the embedded video.

Arkansas at Georgia
This game features the “Hawgs and Dawgs”
Reminds me of my favorite German Ice Cream….
DAWGS 20-17

Ohio at Ohio State
Coach Frank’s Bobcats of Ohio will keep this one close…..
Right up until the time the Ohio State Marching Band….
Which of course is “The Best Damn Band in the Land”… “Dots the I”…..
Then it’s all…..
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 41-10

North Texas at Army

EDITORS COMMENTARY:
The Army coaching staff should be thankful we live in the “everybody’s a winner” society, were “trying hard” and “giving a good effort” is as important as winning.
Because if it were up to me; I would have fired everyone of their collective ass’s after last weeks game.
A blind chimpanzee with half a damn banana could motivate a team better than these dumbasses.
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Iowa State at Kansas State
This rivalry is known as “Farmageddon”…..
(Yes I’m serious)
It’s like Armageddon, only these use combines and tractors…
WILDCATS 24-10

Georgia Tech at North Carolina
The question this week at the “Varsity”…
(Which is only home to the World’s Greatest Chili Dogs…. )
Can Tech bounce back from the Rambling Wreck in Lawrence Kansas?
No, not this week, is the appropriate answer…
TAR HEELS 24-21

Massachusetts at Michigan
Coach Rod and the Wolverines continue their “tough” out of conference schedule this week
But they had better not be looking ahead…
The Keebler Elves are coming to Ann Arbor next Saturday….
WOLVERINES 44-10

EDITORS NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I have been “unduly harsh” in my treatment of Michigan Coach Rich Rod’s wife “Rita”. So let me say this….
When reporting that Rita attended a “Maze and Blue” alumni fund raiser recently wearing nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes I didn’t mean to imply that she was dressed like an old worn out stripper.
I meant to say, the Maze and Blue fund raiser must have been located near the airport…
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…

Ball State at Purdue
Didn’t David Letterman go to Ball State?
Yeah, that isn’t going to make any difference here…
BOILERMAKERS 31-17

Juniata at Ursinus
Juanita is still bruised up from her tussle last week with Susquehanna…
And I understand Ursinus has a urinary infection
So I have to go with…
J-LO 28-23

Kent State at Penn State
So the “Golden Flashes” are coming to Jo Pa’s House….
There are SO many things I could say here….
But out of respect for Jo Pa, I won’t….
NITTANY LIONS 38-14

Delta State at Valdosta State
I have always been a fan of the Blazers…
But I am a Fighting Okra man….
I like it fried, boiled and pickled….
But I’m not a big fan of Okra Winfrey
BLAZERS 33-28

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss
The Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think…
A lot closer…
REBELS 24-21

Jacksonville State at Georgia State
I wouldn’t bet against these Roosters if they were playing the Dallas Cowboys
GAMECOCKS 34-17

East Carolina at Virginia Tech
Maybe it’s just me…
But the Hokies don’t seem to have the same fire since they lost their Wangs
HOKIE POKEY 31-24

EDITORS NOTE: Of course I am talking about….
The loss of Ed Wang and his brother from the defensive front of the Hokies;
What did you think I was talking about?

Brigham Young at Florida State
The Cougars will encounter a strange new phenomena in Tallahassee this Saturday
which will be their demise in this game, it’s called…..“Humidity”
JIMBO’S NOLES 34-24

Colorado State at Miami (OH)
Although Miami of Ohio doesn’t have any palm trees….
It is known as the Cradle of Coaches…
That’s good enough for me…
REDHAWKS 23-17

Air Force at Oklahoma
I was very proud of the Falcons for upsetting the Cougars last week…
But I am afraid they are outmatched in this one…
BOOMER SOONERS 43-21

Southern California at Minnesota
The “Not so” Golden Gophers lost last week to a High School team from South Dakota…
Sooooooooooo……..
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Florida at Tennessee
Not that it’s all that important here, but Peyton Manning never beat the Gators
I just thought it was worth mentioning….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-17

Arizona State at Wisconsin
The Devils of the Sun…..
Cannot stand up to the Power of Processed Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 28-24

Defiance at Hanover
I have a question…
What is “defiance” so angry about?
They should take a tip from Okra Winfrey….
They don’t have to be angry and defiant “all the time”
HANDY HANOVER 23-10

Washington State at Southern Methodist
Coach June’s Ponies will be ready to ride this Saturday in Big D….
Believe it…
And just for the record it’s still Ownby Stadium to me….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17

North Carolina Central at Appalachian State
The Mountaineers came back from a four touchdown deficit against Chattanooga to win
Make no mistake…
The Mountaineers are for real…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-10

Hawaii at Colorado
The Warriors from the Land of Rainbow Bright…
Would fair a lot better in this game if they had Dog the Bounty Hunter on the sidelines…
BUFFALOS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the A&E Network on Wednesday nights, check your local listings for times in your area.

Alabama at Duke
The Blue Devils will have a few tricks up their sleeves on Saturday…
But they are still going to get their asses kicked…
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Nebraska at Washington
The Huskies have a great history, with a great coaching staff and a fine young quarterback…
In fact I still love the great Coach James….
But the Huskers have the Black Shirts…
Sorry…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 24-17

Troy at UAB
The Men of Troy gave the Oklahoma State Cowboys all they could handle last week…
They are more than up to the task this week in this instate tussle…
MEN OF TROY 33-28

Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan
I have been corrected……
The term “Chippewa’s” does not refer to “Two Utes” in the Native American Language as I erroneously reported last week.
It actually means an ingrown hair. As in….
“If you shave too close you can get a Chippewa on your face”
Hope that cleared up any misunderstanding…
CHIPPEWAS’ 33-31

Southern Arkansas at North Alabama
I respect any team that calls themselves “The Mule Riders”
But this game is in Lion Country….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-20

Baylor at Texas Christian
The Bears might win this game…….
And Richard Simmons might be heterosexual…..
HORNED FROGS 34-17

Indiana at Western Kentucky
The most interesting thing about this game…….
Isn’t that the Big Ten is coming to Bowling Green…
It’s the fact nobody knows what the hell a Hoosier and a Hilltopper actually is…
HOOSIERS 24-17

Northwestern Oklahoma State at South Dakota
If the Boys from Dakota could knock off a Big Ten team last week….
Then should be able to handle this Tire Alignment Academy from Oklahoma
COYOTES 34-17

Louisville at Oregon State
Much like Ward Cleaver…..
I am all about the Beaver in this one…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 34-17

EDITORS NOTE: In an effort to keep this a “family friendly” column…
I want the readers to take note that I did not in any way reference either Rosie O’Donnell or Lindsay Lohan in the above pick.
No need to thank me…

Eastern Kentucky at Chattanooga
The Colonels aren’t over their thrashing last week by Coach Strong’s Cardinals
and the Boys from Choo Choo Town are primed and ready….
Also, Chattanooga is the home of the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum, Wall of Remembrance and Gift Shop…..
So there is that….
MIGHTY MOCS 33-24

Duquesne at Delaware
Little known fact….
If you say “Duquesne” after you drank a glass of Buttermilk…
Something gross will fly out of your mouth…
BLUE HENS 28-17

Georgia Southern at Coastal Carolina
I have no idea why the folks from Coastal Carolina….
Decided to name their team the “Chanticleers” ….
But I am pretty sure you need a shot of penicillin to clear it up…..
EAGLES 28-17

Portland State at Oregon
Unfortunately this game conflicts with the VH1 “Behind the Music” Special…..
The Music and Life of Screech from Saved by the Bell….
Set your recorders now….
QUACKERS 63-0

Akron at Kentucky
I have a philosophical question….
Since Akron is known as the “Zippers”…
Is it possible there is a team out there called the “Velcro’s”?
I’m just wondering…
WILDCATS 34-10

Navy at Louisiana Tech
Lately, the Bulldogs of Tech are playing more like the Taco Bell dog..
MIDSHIPMEN 28-21

Middle Tennessee State at Memphis
The Velvet Elvis’s better bring their best game…..
I believe the Blue Raiders are motivated…
BLUE RAIDERS 24-17

Northwestern at Rice
This game will feature some of the highest SAT scores in all of college football…
Yeah, it’s that exciting…
WILDCATS 34-17

Mississippi State at LSU
Nothing says “FIGHT” quite like a game between the “Cats and the Dogs”
This one belongs to Mike….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17

Marshall at Bowling Green
Last week Doc Holiday and the Thundering Herd…
Were two minutes away from beating the Mountaineers of West Virginia….
They won’t need those two minutes this week…
WE ARE MARSHALL 33-17

Tulsa at Oklahoma State
I don’t want to think about the “Prairie Wind” touching a Golden Hurricane..
It makes me feel icky…
COWBOY UP! 38-17

Florida International at Texas A&M
I don’t know how “International” the boys from Florida are…..
Unless their school is close to Epcot Center, then I guess that counts for something…
Right?
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

Central Florida at Buffalo
I know, I know…..
It seems like every time I pick the boys from Disney they lose…
The curse is broken this weekend…
Or I am burning down “It’s a Small World”…..
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-28

EDITORS NOTE: If that song is stuck in your head, I apologize….
It hurts me too….

Toledo at Western Michigan
The Rockets don’t have enough fire to be called roman candles, much less rockets…
BRONCOS 28-10

Clemson at Auburn
I wish I had better news for my adopted Clemson family….
But I don’t….
WAR DAMN EAGLE 24-17

Presbyterian at Citadel
I just hope the moral fiber of the cadets from the Military College of South Carolina isn’t tainted by the arrival of bus loads of Blue Ho’s coming to campus.
BULLDOGS 28-17

Furman at South Carolina
If Chewbacca made enough money to have his own college…
Then why call it Furry man? Why not just call it Chewbacca U?
Never mind…
GAMECOCKS 38-10

San Diego State at Missouri
There is a very good reason why the Aztec’s disappeared from civilization…
They played with Tigers….
MO’S TIGERS 44-10

Montana at Eastern Washington
The Grizzles are on a mission after losing in the finals last year…..
Believe it….
GRIZZ 33-10

Maine at Syracuse
If this was a “Who has the ugliest Cheerleaders” contest…
Then it would be one heck of a contest….
OTTO’S ORANGES 17-14

Boise State at Wyoming
Bronco fans should be really encouraged in this game….
I don’t think the Cowboys have beaten Virginia Tech (yet)
Which is nice…
BRONCO’S 43-10

Fresno State at Utah State
Some people think that midgets jousting on burros is cruel and degrading…
I personally think it screams “Pay-Per-View”….
Not that it matters here…
DAWGS 33-31

Utah at New Mexico
I don’t know about you….
But a contest between Utes and Lobos sounds like a Disney cartoon movie to me…
TWO UTES 43-10

Notre Dame at Michigan State
I don’t know what is more disturbing…..
The midget from Notre Dame dressed like a leprechaun….
or their obsession with Golden Gnomes…..
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 27-24

Texas at Texas Tech
I have but one thing to say here….
“Welcome to Texas Tommy….I hope you enjoy your Longhorn ass whipping”
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-24

New Mexico State at UTEP
It just occurred to me…..
“UTEP” is an acronym for a Ute that has to go the bathroom….
AGGIES 23-21

Iowa at Arizona
Remember you heard it here first….
The Eyes of the Hawk will not be stopped…..
Until their meeting in November with the Mighty Buckeyes of Ohio State….
Then it’s anybody’s ball game…
HAWKS EYES 28-17

Houston at UCLA
Despite some key injuries last week, the Cougars are still dangerous…
As in really dangerous…
COUGARS 38-28

Wake Forest at Stanford
This game would be a lot more entertaining for me….
If Jimmy Swaggart was the Demon Deacon mascot….
And after getting all liquored up and having a crying jag at halftime he peed on the Stanford tree mascot.
Now that’s what I call entertainment.

Enjoy your games

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

I received a letter from a frequent visitor to this column describing his experiences……
at the Georgia – South Carolina game in Columbia this past Saturday.
It gave me an idea….

I want to take this opportunity to encourage all my faithful readers to share their game day experiences with your favorite college football prognosticator and feel free to include any photos or videos you may have as well.

They will be used here only with your permission…

But until then….
Enjoy the impressions from the Georgia – South Carolina game…..
as seen through the eyes of a diehard Georgia Bulldog Fan

Enjoy…..

Dear Sir,
I just want to tell you that I’ve been about the most excited man in South Georgia!

See, I been saving up cans and such so I could go see me a Georgia-damn-Bulldogs game!!!
Well, sir, I been saving them thangs since about 2007. I’d get me a six pack, drank it, and then stomp them cans flat and throw ‘em in the recircular bin. That was my fancy name for another trash can with just cans in it. Anyway, I stomped cans, drank beer, and saved for so long that I finally got enough of those thangs to get me some tickets to see the BY GOD GEORGIA DANG BULLDAWGS play up to Columbia, South Carlina.

Well, let me tell ya something. It aint no short trip to Columbia, South Carolina..
You got to go clear up to Savannah and get on that Innerstate 95 and then go up and get on ANOTHER INNERSTATE and THEN get to Columbia. Dadgummit, I aint never been that far in my life. And let me tell you something else.
Them South Carlina State po-licemen don’t like Bulldawg fans.
I had my Bulldog flags flyin off both sides of my truck…..
And I even soaped up my back windshield with “South Carlina Sux!!!” on it.
I don’t know why they stopped me. Somethin about broke tail lights. Well, hell, I told ‘em I don’t even use ‘em cause I just give them arm signals I learned about back when I got my drivers license.

When I got to Columbia I couldn’t believe how much they was wantin to park.
Heck, even them folks across the tracks even wanted ten whole dollars.

Well, I got to this church and got to talkin’ to the preacher of the AME church.
Did you know that them folks aint really Ammish?
Well, after I pulled out a bottle of ‘shine we decided to make a swap. I’d give him a nice mason jar full of ‘shine and he’d let me park there for the game.
I’m a real wheeler dealer when I want to be.
That preacher said that he was gonna have a good communion tomorrow!!!
Well, sir, things went down hill from there. I got to the football palace and boy was there a ton of folks there. I finally found my seat which really wadn’t a seat. It was just a damn old metal bench. My doggone overalls is about wore out in the bottom and that dang bench made my fanny hurt. To top it all off, I was surrounded by them dang obnoxious Gamecock fans.
But there was a couple of Georgia fellers right behind me so I was just a hoopin and a hollerin’ and and woofin it up and givin them boys high fives every time the Dawgs did something good. They wadn’t real excited about me doin that sometimes but I did it anyway.
Every time the doggon South Carlina boys did something good all them Gamecocks folks would give it right back. But, the thang that made me mad was when the referees called a fumble on our runner and gave it to South Carlina. Boy I was mad!
All them Gamecocks fellas looked at me and smiled real big and said “Welcome to Columbia, boy.”
Well, we was about to lose so I went ahead and started to leave and this fella behind me said “You leavin?”
I said, “Hell, yea.” He said what’s wrong you didn’t buy a ticket for the whole game and just laughed and laughed. I told him “Boy, you got a sorry football team.” Well, he said, “Boy, whats that say bout them Bulldawgs? They just got beat by a sorry football team.” I had to think about that one, so I just flipped him a bird and walked. Boy, you woulda thought I’d stole their rooster or something.
They started hoopin and a hollerin at me to beat the band.
I was duckin and runnin for my life cause they was throwin trash and stuff at me but I didn’t care. Hell, everytime they played that dang rooster crowin it felt like somebody was drivin a ten penny nail in my head.

So, I got out to where my car was parked in the church and saw that preacher agin.
Do you know that fella was layin on the front lawn like he was dead?
Yessir, I went up to check on him and there he was with that quart jar in his hand and it was almost empty.
I figgered I’d better get outta there and I jumped in my truck and took off.
Well, I thought I’d left the worst of everything behind me but them South Carlina Troopers wadn’t done with me. Do you know they can give you a ticket for drivin too slow on one of them Innerstate highways?
Well, they can in South Carlina. It come up a little drizzle and I slowed down to about 15 miles an hour like a good driver, turned on my ‘mergence lights, and was bein real careful and them dirty dogs stopped me!!
That dang trooper fella wadn’t real happy about getting his purty uniform wet and he asked me why I was goin so slow. I told him, “Hey, buddy, don’t you see it’s raining? My winshield washers don’t work so I’m drivin real slow so I can keep from havin a wreck!!!”

So, I got TWO dang tickets and the Dawgs got beat. That was one sorry day. I thank next time I decide to go to a ball game I’m just gonna save my cans and buy me a ticket to the game down to Jacksonville. At least them Gaineville folks like to wear jean shorts and have them fancy mullet haircuts like us.
GO DAWGS!!!

Lemuel in Ludowici

Your College Football Picks will out on Thursday….
So Stay Tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

It has been decided this week that the Dukes of James Madison University….
Will move ahead of the Boise State Bronco’s into the number “3” ranking of college football.

Based upon the National Sports media logic; or lack thereof this is only fitting…..

Since James Madison didn’t have to come from behind to win like Boise State did….
James Madison held Virginia Tech to less points than the Broncos did a week earlier…
The Dukes of James Madison defeated Virginia Tech by a much larger margin than the Boise State Broncos…
Based on all that we have heard for the past week, this makes sense right?

And in case you were wondering…
The Jacksonville State Gamecocks will round out the Top 10…..

More on the way…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Everyone take your seats….
Class is in session

Just relax….
Now is no time to panic…..
It’s only the first week…

Time for a quick review before we move on to this week’s college football picks

The Ohio State Buckeyes are even better than advertised

The Kansas Jayhawks are considering a sponsorship from Hoover Vacuum Cleaner Company, thus allowing Hoover to use the motto:
“Our vacuums suck almost as much as the Kansas Football Team”

The North Carolina Tar Heels don’t have any quit in them…

Jacksonville State Gamecocks (See Above and Congratulations)

Phil Fulmer can still consume an entire 1977 Buick if it’s covered in butter and lard.

The Gator Fans wish Tim had at least another year of eligibility

Since the national pollsters were forced to “break-up” with the Southern California Trojans…..
They have found a “new love” in the Boise State Broncos.

Pam Wards voice made ear’s bleed across the state of Illinois last Saturday

The Ole Miss Rebels are currently searching EBay for a “used or previously owned” time machine.

The once proud Southern California Trojans defense; isn’t.

I still love Stevie Nicks

Lou Holtz can’t pronounce “suffering succotash”….
Without splattering the studio cameras and Mark May with spit.

Kenny Chesney is still the Elton John of country music.

And Lastly Class…..
Saturday’s College Football Games will be played on September 11th….
So let me say this in my deep Southern drawl so you get the message loud and clear.
“Hell No, I won’t ever forget and neither should any of you”

Enjoy your picks…

PRE GAME WARM-UP

Before we move to this week’s games….
I should note your favorite college football prognosticator was 72 and 10 or a substandard 88% for the first week of the season.

Like I said…
This is no time to panic; there is a lot of football to be played, so let’s get to the picks

THE PICKS

Thursday September 9th

Central Michigan at Temple
I wonder if “Chippewa’s” in the Native American language means…
“Two Utes”?
I know, sometimes I think too much…
TWO UTES from Michigan 34-28

Auburn at Mississippi State
No Upset Special here
Bulldog Jim, this one is for you….
DAN’S DAWGS 31-28

Friday September 10th

West Virginia at Marshall
This game is known as…
“The Friends of Coal Bowl” and it is played for the Governors Cup
What this game actually is…..
Is a good fashioned fist fight for instate bragging rights…
And that my friends is more important than anything.
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

UTEP at Houston
I know El Paso doesn’t have anything to do with what I am about to say…
But is it just me, or if you stare at “UTEP” on the screen…
Does it not start looking like “TWO UTES” after about five minutes?
It’s just me? Ok, then never mind…
COUGARS 43-24

Saturday September 11th

Hawaii at Army
It’s September the 11th and Army will be spoiling for a fight…
Believe it…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 33-31

EDITORS NOTE: If the West Point Football Coaching staff can’t motivate the Black Knights to win this game on September 11th, they should all be fired on the spot down to the damn equipment manager.

Garner Webb at Akron
I am still confused as to why Akron has a Kangaroo for a mascot named “Zippy”
It just goes to show you that I have been right all along….
Living in such close proximity to the Arctic Circle causes brain damage.
ZIPPERS 24-17

Juniata at Susquehanna
One of my favorite games of the year….
The two toughest girls from the trailer park square off for bragging rights…
Juniata although well over 300 pounds looks quick as a cat in her pink “Baby Girl” sweat pants, but it does look like she has about fifteen hundred dollars worth of hail damage when seen from the rear.
Then there is Susquehanna…
She is rumored to carry a variety of weaponry in her “over the top” beehive hairdo, to include a sharpened nail file, along with an engine block from a 1967 Oldsmobile and a claw hammer.
This should be a tussle for the ages….
I am going with….
SUSQUEHANNA 2 out of 3 Falls

San Jose State at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 38-10

Illinois State at Northwestern
I am not convinced the Wildcats are for real, but I am sure the Redbirds aren’t
CATS 34-10

Western Illinois at Purdue
“Leather Necks and Boilermakers”….
Sounds like a Saturday night at the Club in Camp Lejeune……
BOILERMAKERS 33-10

Georgia at South Carolina
This game will come down to who has the ball last….
Don’t leave your seats…
GAMECOCKS 24-23

South Dakota at Minnesota
Coyotes and Gophers….
This game sounds like a Loony Tune Cartoon…
O’ so very GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-17

Duke at Wake Forest
“Blue Devils and Demon Deacons”
That sounds like a game of naked Twister at Jimmy Swaggart’s house
DEMON DEACONS 28-17

Georgia Tech at Kansas
It is my understanding, in an effort to “revitalize” the Jay Hawk offense…
They have renamed the starting Kansas backfield “Dorothy and Toto”
Not that it will help in this game…
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10

Texas Southern at Connecticut
The Tigers won’t win this game…
But they do have “The Ocean of Soul Marching Band”
Which doesn’t equate to points, but they are really cool.
HUSKIES 34-10

Florida Atlantic at Michigan State
The Atlantic Owls would play better in this game if they were closer to the ocean..
But unfortunately they are near the Great Lakes, sorry.
SPARTANS 33-13

Indiana State at Cincinnati
I just have to ask…..
What is supposed to be so scary about a bunch of “Sycamores”?
Why not just call them the “Itchy Ivy” or “Poison Sumac”
That would at least frightened some people…
BEARKATS 34-10

Memphis at East Carolina
The Elvis Tigers are playing more like “Velvet Elvis’s” than Tigers
PIRATES 31-17

South Florida at Florida
The Mighty Gators better be ready this Saturday
Coach Holtz and the Boys from Tampa are motivated, and that’s no Bull.
MIGHTY GATORS 31-17

Idaho at Nebraska
You say; “Ida Ho”, I say “Ho Down”…..
CHILDERN OF THE CORN 44-10

South Dakota State at Delaware
I don’t know if a Jackrabbit can beat a Blue Hen…
But we are about to find out…
BLUE HENS 31-27

New Hampshire at Pittsburgh
I didn’t even know the folks in Hampshire played football…
I thought they were more into clubbing baby seals…
Who knew?
PANTHERS 41-10

Old Dominion at Campbell
This game will have for your viewing pleasure….
“Monarchs’ and Fighting Camels”
And the “mascot” for the Fighting Camels is called “Gaylord”
I’m serious….Gaylord the Fighting Camel
Who thinks this crap up?
MONARCHS’ 23-21

James Madison at Virginia Tech
I don’t about Jimmy, but his wife Dolly sure does make some tasty donuts.
HOKIES 43-10

Georgia Southern at Navy
The Eagles of Southern will have the Statesboro Blues by the time this one is over
MIDSHIPMEN 31-21

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville
Charlie’s Cardinal’s will have the Colonels reduced to Lance Corporals by halftime
Believe it….
CARDINALS 38-10

Florida State at Oklahoma
This is going to be a slugfest from start to finish…
Both teams are going to find out what they are made of here.
BOOMER SOONERS 28-24

Michigan at Notre Dame
This game leads me to an age old philosophical question….
Can’t they both lose?
FIGHTING IRISH 33-31

Colorado at California
I wonder if the California Bear mascot is named “Gaylord”
That would be appropriate…
GAYLORDS 3-2

Iowa State at Iowa
This instate rivalry is played each year of the coveted Cy-Hawk Trophy
Which, to the best of my knowledge…..
Will remain at the University of Iowa until Hell freezes over.
HAWKS EYES 33-14

Valdosta State at Newberry
They used to be the “Newberry Indians” but that was demeaned racist by the Nazis at the NCAA..
So now the are the Wolves or something. It’s sad really…
BLAZERS 33-17

Presbyterian at Clemson
I am convinced through my exhaustive research…
That the term “Blue Ho’s” refers to a group of female Smurfs…
Who have fallen on hard times and or who have a drug habit, which is just tragic.
DABO’S TIGERS 38-10

Kent State at Boston College
Every time I hear “Golden Flashes” I think Grandpa escaped from the home and got naked in Wal-Mart (again)
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-10

Miami at Ohio State
The Buckeye defense will smother the Hurricanes
Believe it….
BUCKEYES 34-17

Brigham Young at Air Force
I don’t want to think about the Falcons losing to the folks from Donny and Marie Land.
So I won’t
COUGARS 33-17

UNLV at Utah
Little known fact….
“UNLV” in Latin means…” Duo Adulescens”
Which as we all know means….
TWO UTES 38-10

Morgan State at Maryland
First things first…
Congratulations to the Ninja Turtles for getting the crabs from Navy last week
I only hope you got the proper ointment for them before this week’s game.
NINJA TURTLES 34-13

Ursinus at Franklin Marshall
I wonder if Franklin Marshall ever had a Ursinus infection?
I know I couldn’t help myself…

McNeese State at Missouri
Mo knows how to kick a cowboys butt….
If he doesn’t Curley certainly does…
MO’S TIGERS 34-10

Wyoming at Texas
These Cowboys get stampeded by the runaway Longhorns…
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-13

Chattanooga at Jacksonville State
After last Saturday…..
I wouldn’t pick against the Gamecocks if there were playing the New England Patriots
GAMECOCKS 33-28

Montana State at Washington State
I wish I could generate some interest in this game….
But I can’t…
I DON’T CARE AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU 3-2

Toledo at Ohio
The Rockets of Toledo remind me of a pack of wet firecrackers….
FRANK’S BOBCATS 31-10

Louisiana Tech at Texas A&M
These dogs haven’t seen anything like “Reveille” at Kyle Field…
Play the “Aggie War Hymn” all night long….
GIG EM AGGIES 44-17

Louisiana Monroe at Arkansas
Poor ole Monroe, he is getting ready to be introduced too…
An Arkansas Ass Whipping…
RAZORBACKS 43-10

LSU at Vanderbilt
The Music City Commodores will keep this one closer than you might think
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 31-23

Penn State at Alabama
A Classic Rivalry between two historical programs
The memories of these clashes are never far from my mind…
This one will be no different…
CRIMSON TIDE 31-17

Oregon at Tennessee
This game is like trying to pick a winner in a war between Iran and Syria
VOWELS 24-23

Syracuse at Washington
One question: If Otto the Orange drinks orange juice does that make him a cannibal?
Just wondering…
HUSKIES 31-10

Jackson State at Tennessee State
This game has produced some of the greatest legends of the game….
Walter Payton, Coach “Big John” Merritt, Jefferson Street Joe Gilliam and too many others to mention here and I miss them all.
And just for the record….
The Sonic Boom of the South Marching Band isn’t too bad either…
TIGERS 28-24

Troy at Oklahoma State
I believe the Prairie Wind is getting ready to touch Troy in the naughty place.
COWBOY UP! 38-17

North Alabama at Glenville State
The Lions of Florence are the real deal..
Believe it…
MIGHTY LIONS 33-28

Tennessee Tech at Texas Christian
This game is going to be uglier than Rita Rodriguez in a bikini…
HORNED FROGS 44-0

Bowling Green at Tulsa
I still think “Golden Hurricanes” sounds dirty…
HURRICANES OF GOLD 31-24

Puget Sound at Occidental
This is dumb…
Who ever heard of being “Occidental Prone”
If your going to name your school, then at least get it right…
OXYMORONS 17-10

Rice at North Texas
I believe in the power of my favorite pudding…
Sometimes….
RICE PUDDING 27-23

Missouri State at Kansas State
The Missouri bears should have gone into hibernation sooner…
WILDCATS 34-10

Western Kentucky at Kentucky
Another instate battle for supremacy in the Blue Grass…
Not really, I was just trying to hype the game…
JOKER’S CATS 44-10

Southern Illinois at Illinois
This game features two mascots that are hard to pronounce and don’t make any sense…
“Salukis and Fighting Illini”
Which when said together quickly sounds like a fungus…
FIGHTNING PUMPKINS 28-14

Millsaps at LaGrange College
Ronnie Millsaps is playing ZZ Top?
He is blind as a bat…..
I hope he doesn’t get himself killed…
But just writing LaGrange, I can hear Billy Gibbons now…..
HAW HAW HAW 33-10

North Carolina State at Central Florida
This one is a Toss up for me….
But I like the boys from Disney World…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-24

Rutgers at Florida International
Note to the folks at Florida “International”
Just because you have an airport close to your college doesn’t make you “International”
SCARLET KNIGHTS 33-17

UAB at Southern Methodist
The Blazers will be set on fire by the Mighty Mustangs of SMU…
(Thought that one up in a moment of brilliance)
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-24

San Diego State at New Mexico State
The Aggies were forced to give up their mascot “Pistol Pete” because he had a foam rubber gun and now they have the ridiculous “Lasso Larry” or some such thing…
The weirdo’s from the left coast thought that the “Aztec” mascot was somehow degrading to a culture that doesn’t exist and that believed in ritual human sacrifice.
At least the alumni at New Mexico State complained….
PISTOL PETE 33-28

Texas Tech at New Mexico
The Lobos take a Low Blow like a Hobo in this Big Show
(I came up with that one all by myself)
GET THOSE GUNS UP! RED RAIDERS! 34-10

Ole Miss at Tulane
Look on the bright side Green Wave fans…
No matter what happens this Saturday
You didn’t lose to Jacksonville State…
REBELS 31-17

Montana at Cal Poly
The Mighty Grizzlies of Montana are for real….
And the folks from Polly…….
Well, they are from California.
GRIZZ 38-10

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
This instate tussle is played for the “Cactus A’ Plenty” Trophy…
Not really, I just made that up…
DEVILS OF THE SUN 38-13

Citadel at Arizona
The Boys from the Military College of South Carolina won’t enjoy their trip out west.
WILDCATS 38-10

Colorado State at Nevada
The Rams let me down last week….
They won’t this week….
WOLFPACK 33-10

Virginia at Southern California
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game…
LAME CHEATERS 7-3

Stanford at UCLA
The History of Hand Puppets is on the Public Access Channel…
Or I would make a real effort to catch this game.
CARDINAL 24-20

Enjoy Your Games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s Fall and that means one thing: Football

Now I know that in most places it’s not cool yet and it doesn’t even look like Fall.

And if you are in Lubbock the temperatures are only fifteen degrees cooler than the surface of the sun, so you don’t have to remind me.

But this is a special time of year for many of us…temperatures aside.

I discussed this some time ago with my friend Hank……..
And he wrote a piece that he has graciously allowed me to reproduce for you here.
I believe he framed the picture perfectly.

Thank you Hank

Enjoy….

Everyone has their memories of “Back in the day.”
Mine include trips to a little spot in the road, out in the middle of nowhere, in South Georgia called Mayday.
A black and white TV with rabbit ears and no cable.
Window fans on hot, sticky August nights.
Or maybe riding with my Dad, an exterminator, to towns like Fort Valley, Hawkinsville, Unadilla, or Warner Robins.
But, some of the fondest were when I was in High School…..
School would start and Autumn would slowly creep in to slowly displace those hot summer days.

Bears hibernate in the winter time.
At the end of fall, they find a place to curl up and sleep unencumbered until the warmth of spring finally rouses them to begin their lives anew.
I always equated the life of a college football fan in much the same way.
After the National Championship and all the “All Star” games, college football fans receded to a life of dormancy, void of exciting Saturdays, and hibernated until the start of a new season.

Thus the reference to “Back in the day”……
It’s funny how memories work.
Something small and insignificant can trigger the floodgates to open. And so, as I sat on my back porch this last Saturday, I remembered those High School days.
Going outside, there was the slightest hint of coolness in the air from an easterly breeze and tolerable temperatures.
Memories rushed into my head of excitedly getting up on that most important day of the weekend. I’d rush out to the mailbox to retrieve the latest edition of the Macon Telegraph.
In those days, above the title banner, would be regional scores of the Friday night High School Football games.
Perry 35, Hawkinsville 21, Jones County 14, Dodge County 10. And so on, and so forth.
I would scan those scores and dive into the paper to find the sports pages.
Most times I went to those Perry High School games but still there was something special about reading about what I already knew happened in the paper.
I voraciously read all the write ups about Peach County, Warner Robins, Northside, Jones County, and all the other schools in the area.
Afterwards, I always had some kind of chores to do around the house. I’d hurriedly knock those out and ride to town to get a loaf of bread or gallon of milk for my Mama.
On the way to the store in my ’68 LTD I would excitedly turn the knob on the radio and search for an AM radio station in Macon.

What time is it? Did I miss it? No, it’s almost 11 o’clock, Time for Leonard’s Losers.
I don’t know how I came across that old show. Maybe I found it by tuning from station to station looking for some good Southern Rock. But one day while spinning the knob on the radio the refrain of a banjo picking out the opening tune caught my ear. Then the “countrified” voice of Percy Peabody announced that it was time for another edition of “Leonard’s Losers.” Afterward, Leonard would make his weekly predictions of the upcoming Saturday’s college football outcomes. But this was unique. He picked losers. And he did it with flair. And he did it with a unique style with nicknames such as “The North Avenue Trade School” and the “Red Clay Hounds.” There was the “Herd of Angry Elephants from Tuscaloosa” and the “Reptiles from Florida.”

After I got my weekly fill of Leonard, I was headed back to the house.
Almost 12 o’clock, I still had time to gulp down a bologna sandwich and watch the game.
Even then, with only 2 or 3 games on any given Saturday, I was mesmerized by the excitement and pageantry of College Football.
Georgia and Vince Dooley, Alabama with Bear Bryant, Ohio State and Woody Hayes, Michigan with Bo Schembecler.
Big games announced by “Whooooaaa Nelly!!” Keith Jackson.
Alabama – Auburn. Georgia – Georgia Tech. Texas – Arkansas,. USC – UCLA.
History and tradition unfolding before my eyes.

It was Saturday.
Leaves would soon begin to brown and fall.
Cool nights, warm days, and the shadows.
I still remember the shadows off the trees were always longer.
The humidity grudgingly left and was replaced by the dry warmth of the afternoon sun and the chill of those fall nights.

Football Season had come. By the grace of God, it’s here again.

Thank you Hank, it’s perfect, just perfect….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

It’s finally here….
The “official” kickoff to the 2010 College Football Season…

This week we have some instate rivals and border wars….
We have Creampuffs and Wanna-be’s….
And we have a couple of games that will separate the contenders from the pretenders.

The National Anthem is over and the Marching Band is leaving the field…
My friend’s get on your feet, raise your voices in unison and put your hands together..
It’s time for kickoff…

Enjoy your picks…

THE PICKS

Thursday, September 2nd

Florida A&M at Miami
The Rattlers get rattled by a Hurricane…
Then proceed to get the living hell beaten out of them…
HURRICANES 43-14

Towson at Indiana
Don’t the folks from Towson make cookies?
Just wondering….
HOOSIERS 24-10

Shorter at Georgia State
Why are the Panthers starting the season playing a college for midgets?
I have a question: Shorter than what?
PANTHERS 33-23

Presbyterian at Wake Forest
Blue Ho’s and Demon Deacons….
Sounds like a party at Jimmy Swaggart’s house….
DEMON DEACONS 27-17

Hampton at Central Michigan
I didn’t know my favorite hotel chain had a college, who knew?
CHIPPEWAS 44-10

Norfolk State at Rutgers
I am sure my Italian friends in Atlantic City won’t be handicapping this game….
But if the Norfolk Spartans break their point spread they will be handicapped.
(But it will look like an accident)
SCARLET KNIGHTS 43-14

Marshall at Ohio State
This has the potential to be uglier than Prom Night at the school for the Blind
BUCKEYES 41-10

West Chester at Delaware
Why is Chester from “Gunsmoke” playing football?
He is almost as old as Bobby Bowden….
I just hope he doesn’t break a hip
BLUE HENS 38-17

Rockford College at Dubuque
The folks from Rockford call their team the “Regents”
What the hell is scary about that?
“RUN here come the Regents!”
I don’t get it….
DUBUQUE 24-17

Minnesota at Middle Tennessee
The O’ So Golden Gophers….
“The Other White Meat”
GOPHERS OF GOLD 31-28

Henderson State at North Alabama
They call the Henderson State athletic teams the “Reddies”
As in: “Get Ready” for the Lions to whip your ass….
MIGHTY LIONS 34-21

Southern Miss at South Carolina
This game will be closer than you might think…
But the “real” USC’s defense will carry the day
GAMECOCKS 34-17

Northern Illinois at Iowa State
The Huskies will get blown away late in the game by a Cyclone
(Film at Eleven)
CYCLONES 28-24

Southeastern Louisiana at Tulane
I am still not sure what Tulane is referring to by calling themselves the “Green Wave”
It sounds like a Port-O-John Truck turned over on Bourbon Street…
Never Mind…
GREEN WAVE 34-10

Pittsburgh at Utah
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
So two Utes with Ukulele’s go into to see Bob Uecker, stop me if you’ve heard it
TWO UTES 28-24
EDITORS NOTE:
If Lou Holtz attempts to say the above sentence he will drown Mark May in spit

Eastern Washington at Nevada
The Eagles get plucked by the Wolfpack
(Which I heard hurts terribly)
WOLFPACK 38-10

Bentley at Carson Newman
Why name a university after a car that most people can’t afford?
That’s just stupid…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-17

North Dakota at Idaho
I will really be pulling for the Fighting Sioux in this one…
Because this university hasn’t bowed down at the altar of NCAA political correctness and continues the fight to keep their school mascot and nickname and that is reason alone to love them.
But I believe the folks from Famous potatoes will outdistance the Mighty Sioux in this one
VANDALS 33-28

Southern California at Hawaii
This will be the very “best” game on at 0330 EST Friday Morning
LAME CHEATERS 6-3

Friday, September 3rd

Arizona at Toledo
The rockets will fizzle out like a pack of wet firecrackers before the first quarter…
WILDCATS 24-10

Sacred Heart at Marist
What is soooo “sacred” about their heart?
Talk about arrogant!
Doesn’t matter anyway, that Marist is a fox….
RED FOXES 33-24

Saturday, September 4th

Stony Brook at South Florida
Speaking of Stony Brook….
If you need a getaway or a vacation….
There is no finer place to escape than the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg.
It doesn’t get any better than that, anywhere and that’s no Bull.
Be sure and tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you
http://www.stonybrookchalets.com/
BULLS 38-10

Tennessee Martin at Tennessee

CORRECTION: The Tennessee Volunteers will NOT be playing against Tee Martin, who quarterbacked their team to the 1998 National Championship. “Tennessee Martin” is a school in the Tennessee University system located in west Tennessee.
I hope this has cleared up any misunderstanding for the Volunteer fan base.
VOWELS 58-10

Samford at Florida State
This will be the first game that Coach Bobby hasn’t been on the Seminole sidelines…
Since the close of the Spanish-American War….
It’s kind of sad really….
NOLES 53-10

Miami (OH) at Florida
This is going to be uglier than Janet Reno in a bikini contest…
Sorry, I kind of threw up a little bit with that one…
MIGHTY GATORS 44-17

Chadron State at Pittsburg State
Finally a team with a mascot that is representative of their Cheerleaders!
GORILLAS 33-21

Western Michigan at Michigan State
Another “big” battle in the State of Michigan…..
And that is exactly why nobody cares….
SPARTANS 34-17

Youngstown State at Penn State
There is NO truth to the rumor that Bobby Bowden will attempt to coach the Penguins this Saturday
in an attempt to “finally” beat Jo Pa.
FEAR THE GLASSES 41-10

Eastern Illinois at Iowa
The Panthers have the same chance of winning this game…
as Rosie O’Donnell does of being a Victoria’s Secret model.
EYES OF THE HAWK 34-3

Louisiana Lafayette at Georgia
U La – La will be getting a rajin’ butt whipping between the hedges, believe it
DAWGS 34-10

Illinois at Missouri
This border clash is known as the “The Arch Rivalry”
MO knows rivalry games….
MO’S TIGERS 31-28

Appalachian State at Chattanooga
The Mighty Moc’s will keep this one close….
Right up until the opening kick-off….
MOUNTAINEERS 43-10

South Carolina State at Georgia Tech
You want to know the best thing about this game?
The stadium is close to the “Varsity” which is only the home of the World’s Best Chili Dogs
YELLOWJACKETS 44-10

Weber State at Boston College
The boys from my favorite outdoor grill college gets smoked on Chestnut Hill….
(Thought that up myself)
EAGLES 44-0

Colorado at Colorado State
I love instate rivalry games early in the season….
The Rocky Mountain Showdown for the coveted Centennial Cup
or as I like to refer to it….
The first nail in Dan Hawkins coaching coffin….
RAMS 33-31

Northwestern State at Air Force
This won’t be the first time the Air Force have bombed a group of Demons…
Nor will it be the last…
FALCONS 34-10

Kentucky at Louisville
The Battle for the Bluegrass and the winner takes home the Governor’s Cup.
Two new coach’s make their debut in one of the biggest games of the year for both teams.
In this game I believe a Joker will beat a Strong deck of Cards…
But not by much…
WILDCATS 24-21

Chowan at Citadel
What in the hell is a Chowan anyway?
Is it a dog, like half Chow half Malamute?
That doesn’t make any sense….
BULLDOGS 28-10

Connecticut at Michigan
Coach Rod’s wife “Rita” has promised to “ugly” the Wolverines to Victory this week
I am not sure what that means, but it makes me nauseous just thinking about it…
WOLVERINES 28-24

Millikin University at Illinois College
Let me be sure I have this right…
So the “Big Blue” is playing against the “Blueboys”
I would be “blue” too if I lived that far north….
BLUE 17-10

Savannah State at Georgia Southern
This is an excellent time to say…
I still miss Erk Russell…..
SOUTHERN EAGLES 33-17

Jacksonville State at Ole Miss
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt……
That would be about now…
REBELS 34-10

North Texas at Clemson
“Mean Green” sounds like a kitchen cleanlier to me….
They could come in handy to get the blood off their uniforms after their visit to Death Valley
DABO’S TIGERS 38-17

Western State at Montana
These Mountaineers will most certainly be mauled by the Grizzlies…..
Believe it….
THE GRIZZ 43-10

Coastal Carolina at West Virginia
Smoldering, smoking couches in the morning smells like….
Victory!
Light those couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 53-10

Coe College at Iowa Wesleyan
So “Coe College” is known as the Home of the Kowhawks?
O.k., now people are just making up mascots…
Then what about calling themselves “Cow-Hawks”
It’s a flying cow that is a bird of prey..
It could be very scary if your lactose intolerant and afraid of the bird flu…
Never mind..
COWBIRDS 21-17

UCLA at Kansas State
I would watch this game but…
“Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo” will be on TBS at the same time, sorry.
(It’s going to be shown with limited commercial interruption)
BRUINS 21-17

Purdue at Notre Dame
This instate rivalry game is played for the “Shillelagh Trophy”
Which sounds kind of nasty if you ask me….
FIGHTING IRISH 24-21

EDITORS NOTE: I am just thankful Virginia Tech doesn’t play for something like this, could you imagine the headlines last year? “Hokies Wang waves his Shillelagh”

Texas at Rice
My favorite pudding gets breaded in a stampede…..
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 43-17

New Mexico at Oregon
The “Lobo’s and the Ducks”; this sounds like a Scooby Doo episode…
QUACKERS 5-3

UC Davis at California
I had every intention of watching this game…
But I understand the Food Channel is having a documentary on “The History of Macaroni”
O’ so GOLDEN BEARS 7-3

Azusa Pacific at San Diego
“Azusa” sounds like a fungus, which is gross…
But to be honest “Toreros” doesn’t sound a whole lot better….
I can hear it now..
“Jimmy don’t scratch your Toreros or they will get a Azusa on them…”
Sorry I mentioned it….
TOREROS 17-10

Western Carolina at North Carolina State
I still think a “Catamount” sounds like…
An experiment at the taxidermy academy that went horribly wrong…
WOLFPACK 27-17

Richmond at Virginia
Neither of these teams could beat Southlake Carrollton High School….
So it’s a tossup….
CAVALIERS 21-17

Syracuse at Akron
The “Oranges and Zips”….
This sounds like one of those fruity drinks with an umbrella in it…
That’s about right…
ORANGE 23-21

South Dakota at Central Florida
The Coyotes from South Dakota will be mesmerized by seeing “sunshine” for the first time and be too distracted to play the game, causing an embarrassing delay in the telecast.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 38-10

Sacramento State at Stanford
Unfortunately this game comes on at the same as….
the “Amish Butter Churning Championships” on ESPN 4 “The Cuatro”…..
My money is on Ishmael in this one….
CARDINAL 33-0

Wofford at Ohio
I like Coach Frank Solich and I believe this is the year of the Bobcat….
FRANKS CATS 28-17

Arkansas State at Auburn
I have a feeling the Red Wolves will be two touchdowns behind by the time they hear…
“And the home of the brave….”
WAR DAMN EAGLE 54-0

Tennessee Tech at Arkansas
These “Golden” Eagles will be extra crispy by halftime…..
HAWGS 58-10

Elon at Duke
Following this Blue Devil victory all the Duke fans plan on rushing the field and tearing down the goal posts. Unfortunately, without the use of heavy equipment that feat is almost impossible to complete with only four people.
BLUE DEVILS 10-7

Western Kentucky at Nebraska
The Hilltopper mascot looks like something Nebraska’s mascot Lil Red threw up….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 44-10

Washington State at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys could not show up for the game and still win this one…
COWBOY UP! 34-14

EDITORS NOTE: For the Cowboy Fans…
Where has the prairie wind touched you lately?

Utah State at Oklahoma
The Aggies might win this game……
Just like somebody might find Jimmy Hoffa…..
(By the way, he was in row 53, section C of the old Giants stadium…don’t ask me how I know, just take my word for it)
BOOMER SOONER 44-10

Sam Houston State at Baylor
I cannot in good conscience say anything derogatory about Sam Houston…
He was the Hero of San Jacinto….
BEARKATS 24-20

Stephen F. Austin at Texas A&M
I can’t say anything bad about Stephen F. Austin either….
South of the Red River that’s a sin….
GIG EM AGGIES 43-10

San Jose State at Alabama
Welcome to Alabama….
We hope you enjoy your ass whipping
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17

Memphis at Mississippi State
Nothing like a game between the “Cats and Dogs” to get things started…
This one is for you Bulldog Jim…
BULLY DOGS 38-10

Army at Eastern Michigan
I wish the Black Knights of the Hudson could win this game, but they won’t….
EAGLES 24-20

North Dakota State at Kansas
Coach Turner Gill will have Jay’s Hawks ready for the Bison….
Speaking of Bison, what I wouldn’t give for a good Bison steak about now..
JAY’S HAWKS 31-17

Bowling Green at Troy
If you know anything about history…
Then you know Helen of Troy was known as a beautiful woman….
And I will tell you for a fact….
That she still is, even after all those years running that Feed store outside of Troy
MEN OF TROY 31-27

Washington at Brigham Young
No Upset Special Here…
The Huskies are just that damn good….
HUSKIES 33-31

Northwestern at Vanderbilt
The Commodores will be outmatched and out coached in this one…
Other than that they have a real chance..
WILDCATS 28-17

Oregon State at Texas Christian
The Beavers will keep this one close….real close.
And one turnover and this game goes the other way.
HORNED FROGS 24-21

Texas State at Houston
Bob’s Cats are in for a beating of biblical proportions by the Cougars
Believe it…
MIGHTY COUGARS 49-10

LSU at North Carolina
This was going to be a good game; that was until the Tar Heels “Tutor-gate”
Now this is going to be really ugly….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-10

Portland State at Arizona State
The Vikings are going to disappear in the Arizona heat faster than…
a Nutty Buddy at a Weight Watchers Meeting
SUN DEVILS 34-10

Cincinnati at Fresno State
I still believe in the Power of the BearKat…
Whatever that means…
BEARKATS 33-31

Wisconsin at UNLV
I assume….
When people in Wisconsin talk about “The Power of Cheese”
They aren’t referring to cutting it….
But then again, sometimes I assume too much…
BADGERS 28-10

Sunday, September 5th

Tulsa at East Carolina
Pirates and Hurricanes of Gold….
Isn’t this the title of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie?
PIRATES 24-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Tech
My Proud Ponies won’t have a good day in Lubbock…
All the more reason to go see the Buddy Holly museum
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 33-24

Monday, September 6th

Navy at Maryland
They call this game “The Crab Bowl Classic”
Which is in no way a reference to a toilet seat at a dilapidated truck stop on I-95.
Just so you know…
MIDSHIPMEN 24-21

Boise State at Virginia Tech
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
I didn’t stutter…..
HOKEY POKEY 28-24

Enjoy your games……
And One Last thing….

Happy Birthday to my friend “Gator” Ant this Saturday…
Enjoy your Birthday and the Gator win…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

That’s right it’s your ole buddy Hootie Snitch!

Coming to you from right here in beautiful Baneberry Tennessee!
It’s smack dab in the heart of Volunteer Country!
Go BIG Orange!

I know yawl have been a missing me and a wondering what ole Hootie has been doing!
So kick your shoes off and relax, we got some catching up to do…

First things First….
Before I go talking about my personal life…

I got something I need to talk with yawl about…

Yawl saw that beautiful “Welcome to Baneberry” sign I got on here….
And you probably noticed underneath it a sign about the Baneberry Golf Resort..

Well that is what I want to talk with yawl about…

I am having me a Golf Fundraiser to help fight Hoof and Mouth Disease
It’s a going to be Saturday October 16th (It’s the Vol’s Bye week)

I am doing this to help my Momma who contradicted the disease from a chewing her toenails from being nervous and a wondering if the folks at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum and Gift shop in Chattanooga Tennessee was going to put her on the ballot this year for the Hall of Fame.

Now here is what you need to know if you want to take part in a worthy cause
And meet the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
By the way…. Autographs and pictures are Free!!!

Yawl need to know that the Baneberry Golf Resort really ain’t a “Golf Resort”
We play Golf on the back forty of Humpy Johnsons farm and instead of them sissy golf carts
we ride four wheelers, Hell Yeah we do!

Some folks have golf clubs and other folks just bring a shotgun to see if they can hit the golf ball in the air. So bring whatever you got….
A damn good time is gonna be had by everybody!

Entry fee is twenty dollars and a 12 pack of beer, preferably Budweiser.
The beer will help keep Humpy Johnson liquored up and keeps him from shooting at us
and the twenty dollars goes to help my Momma with the Hoof and Mouth disease.

I will have some “surprise” celebrities there too!
See yawl there!

Now for the really “Big News”
Them rumors are true…..

I done went and got myself hitched to a local “super-model”…..
It was legal and everything…
We got hitched by an Elvis preacher up there in Gatlinburg to the sounds of “Heartbreak Hotel”
It was about the most romantic thing I ever seen…

Now for those of you that “don’t” know who she is….
The Mrs. James “Hootie” Snitch is none other than “The” Thelma Stroderback who is the famous hand model in them ads for the East Tennessee Tractor Supply and Fertilizer Store.

If you have seen them ads then you have seen my gal’s hands lifting fertilizer bags, and holding a Power Take Off for a Massey Ferguson Tractor and a bunch of other pictures too.

I don’t need to tell you she is drop damn dead good looking, cause she is
And she’s got hands big as a first baseman’s glove.
But I ain’t about to show a picture of her now, no sir, not yet anyway.
And you better believe she is a BIG Tennessee VOL Fan!
Hell yeah!
That just makes us the perfect match!

Guess what else Thelma does?
Go ahead and guess?
She only wrote and sang a country song that went to “Number damn One”
as the most requested song on our Baneberry Country Station for FOUR weeks in a row!
It’s called: “You are one more lie away from me kicking your ass out of the house”

In case some you don’t follow country music; It’s a love song…

We followed up our wedding by having our honeymoon at the famous Baneberry Bed and Breakfast Inn, located just outside the city limits. I am telling you, if you come down here for the Golf Tournament you got to stay there, it ain’t nothing but first class all the way.
Here is a little picture of our “Honeymoon Cabin”….

Now I know the news of my nuptials upsets you lady readers that Ole Hootie is off the market…
And I can almost hear the wailing and crying from here…
But yawl got to understand, this is like Brad Pitt marrying Angelina what’s her name….
We is like two celebrities that was just meant to be together.…

One More piece of News…
I done went and moved “Snitch’s Bar and Grill”
From out of the previously owned double wide trailer and into town in a cinder block building!
Hell yeah I did!

That’s where we had our wedding reception and it was all in Tennessee Orange!
It even matched the outside the building!

But just so’s you know I will be making a name change to the business too
It is going to be called “Scooters” (after my Daddy)

I changed the name cause…
All them NCAA investigators that have poking around the Vols
have been a showing up at my bar looking for information because my place is called Snitch’s….
If you come down here for my Golfing Tournament to help my Momma with the Hoof and Mouth Disease
you can wet your whistle at the “new” Scooters.

Now for the Good Stuff…..

IT’S FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE!!!!!!

Now I got my own preseason guesses as to how this season is a going to go
and I am a going to give you the business right now.
So you better be ready!

The 2010 Conference Champs

The Big 10

That’s up north and I don’t know what’s big about it unless you’re talking about the women.
So I don’t care…..

The Big 12

Yawl count even worse than them folks in the Big 10 cause you ain’t got 12 teams in your conference,
so I don’t care about yawl neither.

Atlantic Coast of Conference

I drove down to the Atlantic Ocean when I went to the “Cooter Festival” down in South Carolina
It wasn’t nothing to write home about and it smelled like a paper mill.

Conference USA

I never even heard of this one, it sounds made up

The Big East

The east ain’t big…
It’s just a direction on the damn map which makes them sound plain stupid if you ask me.

The Pacific Athletic Conference of Ten

Yawl got Lame Kitten as a coach out there and he is dumber than hell for leaving the Volunteers,
so yawl is dumber than hell for taking him. That’s all I got to say about that..

Plus, Thelma and I agree that Coach Ogeron looks like a Poland China hog going off to market..

The SEC Champs

Let me tell you straight…
The Tennessee Volunteers were only eighteen plays away last year from a National Championship
and we played Alabama down to the damn wire, which kind of makes us Number two in the country, if you know what I mean.
Now that I stated them facts, let me tell you how this is a going to go…

Coach Drooly has them boys in Orange primed and I do mean primed…
For a run at the National Championship this year!

Florida won’t be a problem since Tim what’s his damn face left

Alabama ain’t got nothing and everybody else on the schedule is an easy “W” for the VOLS!

The way I see it, after we beat whoever in Atlanta for the SEC Championship, Hell yeah!

Then we will play somebody that ain’t as good as us and we will be the National Champs!
Hell I can’t wait! It’s going to be AWESOME!

I will answer my emails and have some other stuff out for yawl later….
My woman is a hollering for me, so I got to go…

More later

GO VOLS!

Hootie- Out!

The official kickoff of the 2010 College Football Season is just days away…
And as you might expect your Week One College Football Picks will be out on Thursday
just in time for the start of the 2010 season.

But until then…..
I present your last installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza…
We will keep it short and sweet with late breaking college football new…..
and your long awaited prognostications on your Conference Championships

Let’s get down to business…

Enjoy……

Before we discuss this seasons “Contenders and Pretenders”
Let’s catch up on College Football Team News from around the country.

BREAKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

Tallahassee, Florida:

Former Seminole Coach turned “author” Bobby Bowden is reported to have stolen the title of his new book “Called to Coach” from legendary Summerville South Carolina High School Coach John McKissick who penned a book with the same title in 1993.

When Coach Bobby was asked about this fact…..
He said he didn’t know who John McKissick was…

Really Coach? The reason I ask is this…..
YOU wrote an ENDORSEMENT on the COVER of Coach McKissick’s book…
Not to mention you have RECRUITED heavily in that area for years!

EDITORS NOTE: So you still don’t think Bobby is senile?

Salt Lake City, Utah:

Utah State University President Stan Albrecht is under fire for the disintegration of the once proud Western Athletic Conference (WAC) as Brigham Young seeks to play as an Independent and Nevada and Fresno State prepare to bolt for the Mountain West Conference in 2011.

It has been reported the board of trustees at Utah State University will be meeting to decide President Albrecht’s future with the university.

EDITORS NOTE: If you are wondering why this wasn’t reported by the national sports media, the answer is quite simple. This is happening in the WAC and nobody cares and neither should you.

INSIDE THE HUDDLE
On a recent episode of HBO’s “Hard Knocks” Inside the New York Jet’s Training Camp

This conversation was captured between two New York Jet veteran players concerning the level of intensity at practice of recent draft choice Joe McKnight from the University of Southern California Trojans.

“I thought they said he was all that, how come he doesn’t get after it”

“Maybe he’s not happy with his contract”

“He came from the Southern California Trojans, right?
He’s probably mad because he had to take a pay cut to come here”

EDITORS NOTE: Enough said….

THE CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

BIG TEN, sorry I mean ELEVEN or TWELVE

Once again the Mighty Ohio State Buckeyes will take the Conference crown.
The only legitimate threat to the Buckeyes supremacy…..
Will come from the Iowa Hawkeyes when they meet in Kinnick Stadium on November 20th.

For those of you who are Fans of the Great Coach Jo Pa…
The Nittany Lions will do well, but fall short of the conference title…

The University of Illinois minus Chief Illini (Because he is a racist)
will be bowl eligible this year, believe it.

The Wisconsin Badgers are always dangerous as always….
and will threaten the Buckeyes on their trip to Madison.

The Michigan Wolverines “might” win six games this year, but I wouldn’t bet on it….
Coach Rod will “retire” or “step-down” at the end of the season….
(Because no coach at Michigan gets fired, right?)
Your new coach will be Les Miles of LSU, believe it…

BIG 12 “LITE”
(It has all the flavor of the Big 12, but less calories)

Nebraska will win the North Division of the BIG 12 (again) this year….
Remember you heard it here first…

The South Division will be ruled by the Mighty Longhorns of Texas
and will soundly thump the Oklahoma Sooners in the Red River Shoot-out in October.

The Oklahoma State Cowboys will continue to be scary

Dan Hawkins of the Colorado Buffalos will be fired by November

Some disgruntled Sooner fans will be calling for Coach Stoops head by December

The Baylor Bears will continue to be everyone’s Homecoming Game…

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

The Eastern Division of the Conference will be ruled by the Mighty Gators of Florida

The Georgia Bulldogs will make a run and fall short of expectations…

The Kentucky Wildcats will improve as will the South Carolina Gamecocks

The Tennessee Volunteer Fans….
Will be calling for Coach Derek Dooley to be fired by the end of the season…Believe it.

The Vanderbilt Commodores would have been in good shape if the dumbass alumni and boosters hadn’t tried to tell Coach Johnson how to run his program.
I mean after all, he only took the Commodores to their first bowl game in 100 years.
Dumbass’s

The Western Division will be won by the defending National Champions…..

The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
But they will have competition….

The Arkansas Razorbacks have the best quarterback in the country…
And if they can muster some defense, they could take the crown from Alabama.

The LSU Tigers will be dangerous this year and if they can stay health, they could find themselves in Atlanta

The Auburn Tigers are better, much better than has been reported
And they too have the ability to shake up the standings and make a run at the Division Crown.

Coach Dan Mullen of Mississippi State has the Bulldogs on the rise….

I don’t have anything good to say about Houston Nutt or Ole Miss….
So I won’t say anything at all….

ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE

The Virginia Tech Hokies will win the Coastal Division Crown this year and the Florida State Seminoles will win the Atlantic Division, despite not being on the Atlantic Ocean.

But I wouldn’t count out…..

The Clemson Tigers….
The Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech…
The Hurricanes of Miami….

My Upset Sleeper…
The Mighty Clemson Tigers
Don’t count them out of any game this year…

CONFERENCE USA

The Southern Miss Golden Eagles will win the Eastern Division of the Conference..

The Western Division will be won by the Houston Cougars…
Believe it….
And the Cougars will win the Conference title this year

My Proud Ponies of SMU will return to a Bowl game again this year

The Tulsa Golden Hurricanes won’t be going to a Bowl game
(I still think their nickname sounds nasty…)

The Thundering Herd will take the Son’s of Marshall Bowling this year…

And as a side note….
To get you in the mood for the upcoming college football season
Be sure and see “We Are Marshall”
Not only is my buddy Matthew McConaughey in it, but it is a great movie.
If you haven’t seen it, you don’t know what you are missing…

EDITORS NOTE:
Matthew, I told you I would get a plug in for you…

PAC 10 or 11….12?

Not that I care, because I don’t….

But despite what all the talking heads in the sports media say about Stanford and Oregon..
I will tell you the Mighty Washington Huskies will win the Conference Title this year…providing Jake Locker stays healthy.

My sleeper pick….
The Oregon State Beavers
With one of the toughest schedules in the nation….
If they are able to survive the early half of the season they will be dangerous….

BIG EAST

The Pittsburg Panthers should win the Big East this year.
If they don’t win the crown, look for Coach Dan to be shown the door..

The West Virginia Mountaineers will challenge for the title….
If they don’t….
Their beloved Coach may be sent packing

This year Coach Holtz will be on the South Florida sidelines coaching the Bulls.
(Not that coach Holtz, the one that doesn’t sound like Sylvester the cat)

The Louisville Cardinals will have Coach Charlie Strong at the helm
he is one of the finest defensive coordinators in the game today….
I wish him well; he has a lot of work to do….

Also the Orange of Syracuse will continue to suck….

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE

The Broncos of Boise State will win the Conference Title this year (Big surprise)
But they will not go undefeated this season….

MOUNTAIN WEST

The Mighty Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University will once again win the Conference Title
and very well may be in the mix for the Championship game at the end of the year.

But you better keep your eye on the two Utes from Utah…

THE ARMED FORCES TROPHY
The winner of the 2010 Armed Forces Trophy will be….
I will give you a hint….

It rhymes with “Gravy”…..

INDEPENDENTS

This is just too easy…

There is Notre Dame and NBC….

Merritt Hooligan’s Taxidermy Academy

McDonald’s McRib University

The remaining members of “O-Town”

The Muppets

I am going to go out on a limb and pick the Golden Gnome’s

THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

My Guess…..
The Horned Frogs of Texas Christian and The Ohio State Buckeyes

EDITORS NOTE: Shocked?

There is more on the way…..

Hootie Snitch will check in tomorrow….
With his unique and often disturbing view of college football
And Thursday your Week One College Football Picks will be out….

So Stay Tuned……

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

My friends and fellow college football enthusiasts….
I hope you all enjoyed the first segment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza.

As promised I have the second of three installments of the Preseason Extravaganza Edition for your viewing pleasure and there should be something on the wire each day this week, right up until kickoff, to include your Week One Picks.

Buckle those chin strap tight, this season is going to be a slobber knocker.

Enjoy……

Before we discuss this seasons “Contenders and Pretenders”
Let’s catch up on College Football Team News from around the country.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

OREGON STATE: Recently a 19 year old naked beaver was found trespassing in a neighborhood in Corvallis Oregon. The naked beaver then proceeded to line up in a three point stance and attack local law enforcement officials who had confronted the naked trespassing beaver.
The law enforcement personnel were forced to subdue the naked beaver utilizing a TASER.

I also understand that an Oregon State football player got in trouble around the same time

FLORIDA STATE: Seminole coaching legend Bobby Bowden said this week that “he thought he had a lifetime contract” to coach football at Florida State. Of course Coach Bobby also thinks Calvin Coolidge is still President of the United States too.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Recently the Trojans were forced to apologize to the respective universities of Florida, Alabama, Washington, Oregon and Fresno State for accusing them of breaking NCAA rules by contacting one or more of the Trojan players without Southern California’s permission.

EDITORS NOTE: What is really funny about this incident is this:
While then Trojan Athletic Director Mike “I don’t see nothing” Garrett was slinging mud at other college football programs, Coach Lane Kiffin was violating NFL protocol by trying to steal coaches from other NFL teams without consulting the coaching staff or the management of the teams.
Specifically the Tennessee Titans are suing Lane Kiffin for taking at least one coach from the team without consulting either the coach of the Titans or the management of the team.

Funny, don’t you think?

TENNESSEE: When Phil Fulmer was at the University of Tennessee his name and the term “discipline” went together like Chinese food and peanut butter.

Athletic Director Mike Hamilton promised things would be different…..

Coach Dooley promised to “set the bar high” when it came to personally responsibility for players and coaches alike.

The Headlines around the state read….

“Vols Coach Derek Dooley to set bar with discipline”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Darren Myles was drunk, combative and removed from club”

The Knoxville News Sentinel

“Tennessee’s Phil Fulmer and Derek Dooley enjoy good relations”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Tennessee Vols dismiss Darren Myles after bar fight”

The Nashville Tennessean

“More players could face charges after bar fight”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Tennessee Vols officials look into VIP status for players at bar”

The Nashville Tennessean

“Vols Athletic Director Mike Hamilton “hurt” over disciple issues at Tennessee”

The Knoxville News Sentinel

“Tennessee Vols Derek Dooley sees setback in quest to change culture”

The Nashville Tennessean

What was the end result?
Nothing…Nothing at all, everyone is back on the team…..
Like nothing ever happened. Just like the days of Fat Phil.

For all the rhetoric and promises and “new” era speeches by the athletic director and head coach it is still alright for players at the University of Tennessee to break curfew, get drunk in bars, fight patrons and assault police officers, without any repercussions.
And you wonder why they are still called U-Thug?

NEBRASKA: You joined the Big Ten or Eleven; because it can’t be the Big 12 you just ditched that conference, for what? What is going to happen to the traditional games with Oklahoma and Colorado? Is it about money? Is that all it takes to ditch tradition?

COLORADO: So the Buffalos decided to join the “Pacific Athletic Conference”, which is better known as the PAC 10 or eleven…whatever.
Here is a little hint for the folks from Boulder Colorado…..
Look out your window….
Do you see an “Ocean”? Are you near an “Ocean”?
Then why did you join the “Pacific” Athletic Conference?

MARSHALL: The Thundering Herd has the best Head Coach’s name in the country:
Coach Doc Holiday, now if they only had an Earp on the team….

NORTH CAROLINA: Due to the rash of recent suspensions for academic improprieties with “nanny” the tutor, the Tar Heels will only be able to field a limited number of players for the games this year.
By “limited” number I mean eight players. Two of which I understand are midgets.

GEORGIA: I have been gentle with my Bulldog Nation in the past and I love Coach Mark and his family.
But if you don’t get a grip on the discipline issues in Athens then the Bulldogs won’t be fielding as many players as the North Carolina Tar Heels this year.

TEXAS TECH: As many times as Tommy Tuberville has put his foot in his mouth you would think he would have gotten used to the taste by now.

EDITORS NOTE: For the Red Raider faithful I have one question…
Are you missing Coach Leach yet?

KANSAS: Everyone loves the college football media guides….

The media guides the universities produce each year for the football teams “normally” has the mascot, coach or key senior players on the cover of the guide.

Typically is has a motivating message on the cover…..
I think the Kansas Jayhawks are sending the “wrong” message with theirs…

NCAA: I will address the recent witch hunts conducted by the NCAA at another time…
But in the meantime I would like to raise an interesting question…
Why does the NCAA feel free to sell the images of college football athletes for millions of dollars to video game companies, without any compensation to the athletes?

They allow the official usage of the University logo’s as well, with no compensation to the universities. Millions of dollars….each year…..

How does this fit into the whole NCAA “amateurism” dogma?

How do they justify this?

It’s a good question, isn’t it?

OLE MISS: On the topic of the NCAA…..
Let me be sure I get this right…..
So, if a player decides he doesn’t want to play for his Division I university and he wants to transfer to “another” Division I school, he must set out a year. Now, if the individual in question decides he wants to transfer to a lower Division University or College then he can play immediately.

So the “former” Oregon quarterback, who was kicked off the team last year because he was a criminal, doesn’t have to set out a year and can play right away for Houston Nutt.

The NCAA said it was O.k. because they called it a “hardship” transfer.

Being a criminal is a “hardship”?

VIRGINIA TECH: I don’t know how the Hokies are going to perform without their Wang’s this year, but I have on good authority the defense will be as strong as ever.

EDITORS NOTE: I am talking about Ed Wang and his brother, so stop laughing.

TEXAS: No one is talking about the Mighty Longhorns this year…
Don’t worry they will be before October….

NOTRE DAME: Recently Coach Kelly of the “Fighting Irish” had a meeting with NBC officials televising the Irish games to ensure that commercial breaks will be held according to the “tempo” of the Notre Dame offense.

What?

A college football “Coach, is negotiating with a network “when” commercials will be shown, during a game?

If a “coach” in the Southeastern Conference would have done the same thing as Coach Kelly, the NCAA would have had every investigator on their rolls racing down South.

And you all know it too….

BOISE STATE: Listen closely Bronco Fans….
I know you beat the PAC 10 Champion Last year, because I accurately predicted it
(No need to thank me)
But if you want to be taken seriously as a college football power then you have to play some “real” powerhouses “during” the season.

By that I mean…..
The Ohio State Buckeyes….
The Oklahoma Sooners…
The University of Texas….

Nebraska…
Alabama…
LSU…
Florida…
Miami…
Auburn…

Take your pick and play them…
Then we will believe…

TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Horned Frogs are better than they were last year….
And that is scary…

HOUSTON: If you have to play the Cougars this year….
You will have a problem. They are good, real good.

TEXAS A&M: You will always be my favorite Agro-Americans.

SOUTHERN MISS: The Golden Eagles are better than ever….
Will they win the Conference USA title?
You will have to wait for Part III of the Preseason Extravaganza to find out…

FLORIDA: I have heard a lot of Pro Football Hall of Fame acceptance speeches in my time….But I have never (ever) heard a player not mention the college he attended.

So what’s the problem with Emmitt Smith?

I doubt without the University of Florida he wouldn’t have had the career he had.
Yet he never mentioned the Gator Nation, his teammates or his coaches….

So what’s the problem with Emmitt Smith?

PREGAME SPEECHES

We all enjoy hearing the motivational pre-game speeches

This pre-game speech of yesterday has always been one of my favorites.

“Your fathers and your grandfathers are the ones who fought their fathers.
These men playing against you today are soldiers.
They are the Long Knives.
You are Indians.
Tonight, we will know if you are warriors.”

Glenn “Pop” Warner, Head Coach of the Carlisle Indians, pre-game pep talk to Jim Thorpe and the Carlisle team before the game with the Cadets of West Point.

If this doesn’t get you motivated, then nothing will.

CONTENDERS & PRETENDERS

CONTENDERS

TEXAS: The Mighty Longhorns have reloaded and will be in the hunt (again) for the National Title.
Remember you read it here first…

ALABAMA: If the defending National Champion Crimson Tide can replace the defense from a year ago, they will have a legitimate shot at the title again this year.
But that is a big if….

FLORIDA: Even without Tim Teabow the Mighty Gators are poised for another trip to Atlanta and the SEC Championship game. Plan your trip now….

IOWA: The Hawkeyes have a great defense and their game in the Big Horseshoe on November 19th will determine the Big Ten, Eleven or Twelve Champion.

ARKANSAS: That’s right I said it….
The Razorbacks have one of the most gifted quarterbacks in the country and with a little luck could easily find themselves in Atlanta at the end of the season….

VIRGINIA TECH: Lead by the sensational Ryan Williams the Hokies could run the tables in the Atlantic Coast Conference this year, providing of course they get by Boise State this week and the matchup with the Hurricanes of Miami in south Florida on November 20th.

CARSON NEWMAN: The Eagles are a perennial powerhouse in Division II and once again Coach Sparks has his boys ready to make a run at the title.

WASHINGTON: There isn’t a national sports media outlet in the country that is picking the Huskies to compete for the PAC 10 or 11 crown this year…
Except for Your favorite College Football Prognosticator…

See you at the Rose Bowl…

GEORGIA TECH: Coach Paul Johnson will have the rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech competing for the ACC Crown again this year, believe it…

NEBRASKA: One Second…..
That “one second” haunts the Cornhusker Nation from last year and it will motivate them back into the Big 12 Championship game this year, believe it.

AUBURN: The Tigers of Auburn are better than they were a year ago and will challenge for the SEC Crown this year, and that’s a fact.

NORTH ALABAMA: The Might Lions of Division II have returned to prominence despite being coached by Terry Bowden. They will be in the hunt for the Division II title and a rematch with the Coach Sparks Eagles from Carson Newman along the way…

THE OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes have a legitimate shot at the National Title this year, but…
They have a few hurdles along the way with the Hurricanes coming to town on September 11th and traveling to Wisconsin on October 16th and then the game for the conference title with Iowa on November 20th in the Big Horseshoe.

BOISE STATE: The Bronco’s will not be undefeated this year….
But due in large part to playing in a weak conference they will be in the mix at the end of the season for a shot at a BCS game.

BYU: The Cougars took down the mighty Oklahoma Sooners last year and then proceeded to blow it out their respective butts against the Seminoles, but the boys from Provo will be in contention for the conference crown, providing of course they get by the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian on October 16th.

PRETENDERS

WASHINGTON STATE: The Cougars couldn’t win a game if they were playing by themselves.

DUKE: When the student body cancels a Pep Rally for a football game “due to lack of attendance”, nothing more needs to be said.

THE IVY LEAGUE: Plain and simple, you all suck.

VIRGINIA: The once proud Cavaliers rival only Duke as the worse team in the ACC….

NOTRE DAME: Your haughty attitude and infatuation with Golden Gnomes is confusing to the rest of the college football world, particularly since you suck.

PITTSBURGH: I know I know….
The Panthers are picked by “everybody” to win the Big East title…
But that really doesn’t mean anything…

INDIANA: The Hoosiers are the Richard Simmons of the Big Ten.
They are kind of funny to watch for a few minutes but then it’s just said.

ILLINOIS: The Fighting Pumpkins rival only the Oregon Ducks for the title of “Ugliest Uniforms in College Football” but other than that there is little to brag about.

ARMY: The Black Knights of the Hudson will get their ass kicked again this year by Navy and Air Force….Believe it

NCAA: This institution “pretends” to be a volunteer organization that cares only about the student athletes and the integrity of the game, yet it takes billions of dollars a year from the universities and colleges it professes to protect, without just compensation to the universities themselves.
And of course….
If you don’t join this “volunteer” organization then you can’t participate in any collegiate athletic events and no other schools can play with you or they will be punished by the NCAA.

And some of you actually wonder why I call them Nazis?

BAYLOR: The Baylor School of Medicine is one of the finest orthopedic medical schools in the world, which is the polar opposite of the Baylor Bear football team.

DUKE: The Blue Devils are so bad I felt obligated to mention them twice…

MICHIGAN: Last year you won one game in the Big Ten, Eleven or Twelve or whatever it’s called now. It won’t get any better this year, so let me break the news to you now…
Make that three years in a row without the Wolverines going to a bowl game…

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Gosh where to begin….
If vacating the wins and losing the Heisman Trophy and the National Title wasn’t bad enough, you went and hired Lane Kiffin. Talk about adding insult to injury.

PRESEASON QUESTIONS & ANSWERS PART II

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!!!!

Man, can you believe it’s almost football season AGAIN!!!???
I can’t hardly wait till next week to see my beloved team, the Georgia-by-God-Bulldogs put a whoopin’ on Loosianer Lafayette. Just in case you didn’t know that Loosiana team is called the ragin’ Cajuns. But they’re gonna end up with a ragin’ case of the red ass when our boys get through with ‘em.
Well, that’s if we can keep everbody outta jail and such. I’m startin to get worried about some of are boys cause I thank the po-lice is just lookin’ fer a reason to pull are boys over and arrest ‘em. I thank that the head of security up to Athens is probly a secret agent from that underhanded devil Irvin Myer or that evil Nick Satan.
Did you know that they even arrested are athletic head honcho and got him fired? Yessirreee bobtail that’s exactly what happened.
And to top it all off they got one of are star runnin backs for hittin a car in a parkin garage. We even had a fella that could make some fake ID’s and stuff.
You know, I wonder if that’s where that Mettenberger fella got his ID when he got in that trouble at that little honky tonk place down to Valdosta? Well, anyway, South Carlina and the ol bald coach better watch out too cause after we beat them Cajuns, them Cocks is next. I do have one question though. If we keep getting these boys arrested and such and they all go to the same jail, do you think the my hero, Mr Burt Reynolds, might come down here and make a movie like he was in? He could call it The Longest Yard II !!! It would be like one of them sequel things!!!
Well, you have yourself a good day Mr Wizard.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! DAAAAAAWWWWWWGGGGGSSSS!!!!
Lemuel in Ludowici

A: I’m not really sure what you said Lemuel, but welcome back….

Q: Dear sir, when mentioning “Fight Songs” in the first part of your College Football Extravaganza, but you failed to mention the GREAT traditional fight song from the University of Michigan “the Victors”.
Could you please reference “the Victors” in the next segment please?
Thanks!
Eddie – Ann Arbor, Michigan

A: Eddie, I hate to be the bearer of bad news….
But I have on good authority that the University of Michigan has renamed the song..
“the occasional Victors”, which just didn’t flow well with my subject matter, sorry.

Q: Hey Man! When are we going to hear from Ole Hootie Snitch?
I heard that boy went and got himself hitched!
GO VOLS!
Dale – Cookeville, Tennessee

A: In an effort to be fair and balanced in this column….
Hootie Snitch will have his own preseason prognostications out this week..
So stand by…

Q: Dear sir –
I took exception to your characterization that “all people up north” dress like Nanok of the North for football games. For your information we have four seasons in North Dakota and we don’t always dress in winter clothing.
Sincerely –
Rob – Bismarck, North Dakota

A: I would have expected a letter like this from somebody in Columbus Ohio…
But from someone in NORTH DAMN DAKOTA, are you kidding me?
You don’t have four seasons in North Dakota, you have TWO seasons.
Winter and Fourth of July….Enough said…

Q: I read your rants and you are nothing but a straight up racist!
Everything you write and the way you write it clearly identifies you as a racist!
Why don’t you just come out from behind your sheet and admit it?
Tawalla – Atlanta, Georgia

A: I used to enjoy being a distance racist but now I just stick to the hundred yard dash.
But thanks for asking.

EDITORS NOTE: I receive a variety of these accusations over the course of a season, for reasons that continue to baffle me, so let me share my philosophy with you on this subject.
The color of a person’s skin doesn’t make them a jackass; it’s acting like a jackass that makes them a jackass. Enough said…

Q: What’s with the NCAA discriminating against “larger” Coaches in College football?
First they made Phil Fulmer leave who was a GREAT customer of mine!
Then it was Kansas’s Mark Mangino who is also a great customer!
Now I hear rumors that the Maryland Terrapin Coach Ralph Friedgen is on the hot seat!
What gives Mister Wizard?
I smell a conspiracy and I also smell a Philly Cheese Steak, but that’s another story.
So what do you think?
Manny’s Really Big and Tall Shops – Newark, New Jersey

A: I don’t know if you are on to something or not Manny….
But I am proud to report the coaches you referenced ALL beat anorexia!

Q: Dear Sir I have a problem I hope you can help me with.
Whenever I urinate it burns like hell and I find myself not drinking any water or fluids to prevent me from going to the bathroom. This has me very dehydrated, but I don’t want to feel my crotch on fire either. Do you have any advice that could help me?
Thank you
Jim – Charlotte, North Carolina

A: Jim, you have gone to the wrong website, please go to my “other” website entitled “Turn your head and cough with Doctor Mike”.

Q: Mister Wizard I am appalled!
How dare you describe Wolverine Coach Rich Rod’s wife Rita as looking like a Ten Dollar hooker!
She DOES NOT look like a Ten Dollar hooker!
So Drop it!
Jane – Detroit, Michigan

A: When I am wrong I admit it….
With the recent down turn in the economy….
There is NO way that Rita Rod looks like a Ten dollar hooker.
She looks more like a five dollar hooker…

Thanks for correcting me Jane.

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
I heard the University of Tennessee will introduce another version of a fight song this year!
Is that true? I can’t wait for football season to begin!
Thanks!
Timmy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Thanks for writing Timmy…
I have on good authority that decision has not been made yet although discussions are still ongoing. The “new” version in question will replace “Rocky Top” with “Jailhouse Rock”.

Q: Mister Wizard I can’t believe you said the Notre Dame cheerleaders are ugly.
The picture of the Irish cheerleader in the Preseason Extravaganza wasn’t bad at all.
She may not have known where to place the “GO” sign, but she wasn’t bad looking.
Matt – Fort Wayne, Indiana

A: Are you kidding? The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a bit in it…

Q: Dear Wizard
When referencing mascots recently you failed to mention the GREAT college mascot “Ralphie” the buffalo from Colorado. Is there a reason for the oversight?
Thanks!
Chuck – Golden, Colorado

A: I am sorry Chuck that was not done on purpose.
The mere mention of a large raging buffalo reminded me of the mutant women described in the University of Tennessee song “Rocky Top” and I threw up a little bit..
Sorry for the oversight.

Your Conference Champions and Championships will be detailed tomorrow
on the last installment of your Preseason College Football Extravaganza.

Later Hootie Snitch will have his own perspective on the 2010 Season…

And Your Week One College Football Picks will be out later in the week too…

So Stay Tuned…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Welcome back my friends, I have missed you all.

Despite being in exile in a rather hostile and uncivilized land…
I would rather be caught in an “I (Heart) the NCAA” T-Shirt that ever disappoint my beloved fans.

EDITORS NOTE:
Before you ask, “No”, I am not trapped in OBKnoxville or Los Angeles.

Why do I endeavor such a herculean task under such austere conditions you may ask? Because I care, that’s why.

With that being said, Welcome to the 2010 College Football Pre-Season Extravaganza.

Enjoy……

Over the years I have introduced your Pre-Season College Football Extravaganza with a variety of openings…
such as the wildly popular “College Football Etiquette 101” and such thought provoking entries as “How to make College Football Better”.

This Season, for those of you who are new to the College Football Experience and for those fans that are veterans at college football preparation.
I have prepared a “How To” for College Football Fans to further enhance your College Football experience in 2010.

THE “HOW TO” OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

DRESSING FOR THE GAME

The Right Way….
The area of the country your team is located will have a direct impact on how one will dress for the upcoming game.
Much of this is culturally driven, but certainly there are other factors such as climate, traditions and geographical location.
One has the option of wearing a variety of team gear, and if traveling as a family unit…
it is advised that all participants should be in your favorite game day wear, to include infants and or pets.

The Wrong Way…
I was going to use this opportunity to address appropriate game day clothing but as we all know nearly everyone north of the Ohio River dresses like Nanok of the North on college football game days and the boys aren’t distinguishable from the girls; which is sad and disgusting.

When it comes to painting ones face or body it is vitally import that your celebration of your team blends appropriately with your apparel.
It is also important, even as students, that you understand not only “how to spell” the name of your university or mascot, but that someone in the group is in charge to place people in the appropriate locations.
Below is an example of how “Not” to do it.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM

The Right Way….
Decorating your vehicle with window flags and car magnets of your favorite college football team will announce your loyalties to passer bys and identify you as a supporter of your college team once you arrive on campus.

The Wrong Way….
Rainbow colored flags and other “diversity memorabilia”, to include “Make Peace NOT War” bumper stickers on your vehicle will send the wrong message even if you are from Los Angeles. Additionally, as a safety tip: This type of arrival to a college football game could result in an ass kicking in the following areas: Nebraska, Texas (anywhere), Clemson or anywhere in the Southeastern Conference.

ARRIVING AT THE STADIUM (PARKING)

The Right Way….
Once you are on campus, it is acceptable and permissible to play your teams fight song as loud as you can stand it and or honk the horn at other fans of equal standing in their love and devotion of the institution for which you support.

The Wrong Way….
Playing Celine Dion and or the theme from Titanic however is unacceptable, even if you are a “cultured” Southern California fan.
If you fall into this category please refer to “Safety Tip on Getting to the Stadium”

ON CAMPUS EXPERIENCE

The Right Way….
Vendors of all sorts should be available selling t-shirts to top hats of the home team’s logo and school colors.
A variety of food and drink should be available along with musical entertainment provided by the college marching band and
the appearance of the team’s cheerleaders, when applicable, always gets the crowd motivated.
Also, this is an excellent time to catch with old friends and acquaintances and discuss the upcoming game and a good time should be had by all.

Case in Point
The University of Texas

The Wrong Way….
If your college campus on game day resembles a party at Elton John’s house you may want to consider switching your affiliations.

Case in Point….
The University of Southern California Trojans

TAILGATING

The Right Way….
Tailgating is an art form that may take years to perfect.
Case in point, it is not uncommon for LSU Tiger Fans to begin tailgating the Monday or Tuesday before the game on Saturday night.
Tents and flags and grills of all shapes and sizes abound, with smoke bellowing for miles with the smell of the contents of the smoking beasts enough to make a vegetarian change their minds.
There is never a shortage of fine food and drink for Tiger fans or fans of opposing teams that happen to pass by.
One will frequently hear “Hey Fightn’ Tigers” and other LSU Favorites from loud speakers. Beer, wine and Bourbon are severed abundantly.

Another way to tailgate you might want to consider is when there is a navigable body of water close by your team’s stadium.
As an example; The Tennessee Volunteer fans boast of the “Vol Navy” with the Tennessee River flowing by Neyland Stadium.
This consist of a large number of intoxicated Tennessee fans in a variety of cut off jeans, overalls and other assorted Tennessee specific game day wear….
riding in Inner tubes and old bathtubs floating in a procession down the Tennessee river to “dock” near the stadium.

The Wrong Way…
Anything requiring the use of a microwave, other than popcorn or Velveeta is simply unacceptable.
Also, it’s important to understand the philosophy behind tailgating in general.
That being said an animal of some type needs to be sacrificed to provide an acceptable tailgating experience.
Be it beef, fowl, pork or reptile or any combination thereof must be cooked.
Not only is this ancient art of cooking meat outdoors delectable, but this also prevents our hallowed traditions from being trampled on by vegans, vegetarians and Muslims.

COLLEGE MARCHING BANDS

The Right Way….
Few College Marching Bands are as proud as TBDBITL….
That acronym stands for The Ohio State University’s Marching Band
“The Best Damn Band in the Land”
They certainly live up to the hype and you would be hard pressed to find a better college marching band anywhere in the country.

Certainly there are other great college marching bands, too many to mention in this short space.
But it is important to remember the premier college marching bands are precise in their movements, sound magnificent, have the ability to play a variety of classics and modern favorites and wear traditional uniforms with their school colors.

It is also worth mentioning the members of the college marching bands spend more time practicing for a performance that the actual athletic teams do on a normal basis.
So it is important to honor those young people and cheer for them as well.

The Wrong Way….
If your college marching band resembles the Salvation Army Homeless Band like Stanford’s or have uniforms that looked they were designed by a group of Meth Heads such as the Oregon Duck band, then perhaps you should skip the opening ceremonies as well as the half time festivities.

FLAG GIRLS & MAJORETTES

The Right Way….
Let me explain this in a way I hope you will all understand.
Simply Put: If you are a male living in the United States of America and you are between the ages of six and ninety years of age and you don’t find the Golden Girls from LSU or the University of Alabama Crimonettes attractive then you are gay.
Mystery solved no need to thank me.

The Wrong Way….
If your Flag Girls and or Majorettes are larger than the offensive or defensive lineman on your football team, then you have the wrong people in the wrong positions.

Noted Examples to the above:
Maine Bears, Michigan Wolverines, Notre Dame and the entire Ivy League

CHEERLEADERS

The Right Way….
They should be enthusiastic, attractive and have traditional uniforms and most importantly know and understand the cheers by heart.

Example: Alabama, Clemson, Florida, LSU, Texas, Penn State, Washington, Texas A&M

The Wrong Way….
This illustrated example is the opposite of the above description in regards to understanding “How to Cheer”

COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTATORS

The Right Way….
Two Words: Keith Jackson
He is the voice of college football, always has been always will be.
He was never intrusive, always insightful and called it like he saw it without guile, prejudice or criticism.
There has never been anyone better – period.

Lee Corso: God Bless you coach, Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

Lou Holtz: Despite your constant spitting on Mark May every time you speak in the ESPN studio
(which I personally derive a great deal of enjoyment from)
I admire your insight and humor and telling it like it is attitude.

The Wrong Way….
Where to begin…..

Pam Ward with ESPN: Her voice is used to elicit confessions at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay and has been called “cruel and unusual punishment” by Amnesty International.

Spencer Tillman: I loved him when he played at Oklahoma, but currently he wears more makeup than Little Richard.

John Saunders: His prejudice against all things Southern is only outweighed by his lack of knowledge of college football.
And that’s saying something….

Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson: The syphilitic troll and his one-sided master of the obvious sidekick would make a deaf man’s ears bleed.

Brent Musburger: I will let Brent speak for himself in this section.
Here is quote from Brent on an Alabama Crimson Tide game during the 2007 season.

“The folks in Alabama are paying Nick Saban a lot of money folks; it doesn’t look like they are getting their money’s worth, does it.”

EDITORS NOTE: Two undefeated regular seasons, a Heisman Trophy winner and a National Championship later
I think it’s apparent that Brent is a complete Dumbass.

Archie Manning: He cannot string two sentences together without referencing his two children playing in the NFL.
WE GET IT JACKASS!
YOUR KIDS PLAY IN THE N-F-L! NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!

ESPN’s Mark May: His cousin must own stock in ESPN, because this gibbering idiot couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

Bob Griese: Do you know how you can tell when Bob is going to say something stupid?
His lips are moving.

ESPN’s Desmond Howard: If he was actually able to but a simple sentence together during a telecast I would be amazed.
This may explain how he graduated from the University of Michigan with a degree in “Public Speaking”.

ESPN’s Wendi Nix: She is dumber than a sack of horse turds and wears more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL REFEREES

The Right Way….
It is important for college football referees and replay officials to be fair and honest in their appraisals of each play.
This comes through constant training and education as well as review of each game by conference officials.
The conferences will constantly grade and evaluate the professionalism and effectiveness of the individuals in this field and suspend or relieve those referees that are ineffective or incompetent, because accountability is the key to the integrity of the game.
The conferences will also ensure the individuals responsible for the conduct of the games are properly vetted through a process similar to background checks for security clearances.
This is important to ensure, unlike the NBA, that referees are above reproach and not susceptible to bribes or other enticements to sway their opinions during the course of a game.

The Wrong Way….
Currently the above is not being done in any conference in the country and despite the never ending NCAA witch hunts from textbooks to college parties;
they aren’t interested in ensuring accountability from the referees either.
Hence the problem….

TRADITIONAL PRE-GAME KICK OFF CHANTS

The Right Way…
Prior to kickoff the home crowd, as well as visitors will stand on their feet and as the ball is struck by the kicker to send the ball down the field the following is either performed or yelled by the home crowd.

Marshall: Thirty Thousand Thundering Herd fans will shout in unison “We Are Marshall!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Florida: Ninety Thousand Gator fans will perform the famous “Gator Chomp” as kickoff ensues.

Arkansas: Eighty Thousand Razorback Fans adorned in “Hog Wear”
will shout before kickoff “Whoooooooo…” and then as the ball is struck they will yell “Pigs!”
and then quickly there after as the ball is sailing down the field “Sooieeeeeee”.

The Wrong Way…

Duke: Nearly half a dozen Blue Devil fans will shout “O Hell here we go again!” as the ball is kicked down the field.

Washington State: Prior to kickoff, almost two dozen fans of the Mighty Cougars will cover their heads with paper bags and wish silently that they were Washington Huskies Fans.

Indiana: At the opening kickoff nearly a hundred Hoosier fans will shout “What the Hell is a Hoosier?”

FIGHT SONGS

The Right Way….
There are too many outstanding college fight songs to mention here.
The great traditional fight songs we know by heart and they stir the emotions of the crowd and raise Goosebumps and bring a tear to the eye of many alumni and fan.

The Eyes of Texas..

Yea Alabama….

Hey Fightn’ Tigers….

The Aggie War Hymn…

The Wrong Way….
Simply put, if the fight song in question is either to confusing or doesn’t have any references to victory or storming down the field or in some cases is rather depressing or encourages dangerous behavior, then it is less than effective in encouraging the fans.

Case in point…..
The University of Tennessee marching band used to play “Down the Field” which has references to loyalty to the football team, cheering and fighting for the Volunteers of Tennessee.

Then for reasons I cannot comprehend, the University of Tennessee began playing “Rocky Top” like a broken Jukebox with one record. The song has nothing to do with football or the University of Tennessee but does talk about such intriguing topics as:

“Ain’t no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top, Ain’t no telephone bills, Once I had a girl on Rocky Top, half bear, the other half cat, wild as a mink, but sweet as soda pop. I still dream about that”

EDITORS NOTE: If you get excited about a “fight song” that brags about the fact you don’t have electricity or telephones
and the best looking women in your area are mutants, then perhaps you need another “fight song”.

Another noted example in this section comes from Texas A& I and their fight song “Jalisco”. For your reading pleasure is the first stanza:

“Ay, Jalisco, Jalisco
Jalisco tu tienes
Tu novia
Que es Guadalajara
Muchacha bonita
La peria mas rara
De todo Jalisco
Es mi Guadalajara”

EDITORS NOTE: If your fight song isn’t in English, then you shouldn’t be allowed to play football. Enough said….

MASCOTS

The Right Way….
There are a number of Great College Mascots…
You know who there are…..
Their very presence sends the crowd into frenzy.
College football fans will line up for hours to have a picture taken with their mascot.
There is…..

UGA the English Bulldog from the University of Georgia

BEVO the Texas Longhorn from the University of Texas

Mike the Tiger from Louisiana State University

The Wrong Way…
There are too many to mention here…
But suffice to say if the mascot in question doesn’t represent the university nickname then often times it is confusing to the fans
and thus becomes more of a distraction than a motivational tool.

Noted examples to this section…

Indiana University: Since know one knows what the hell a Hoosier actually is this becomes a constant point of friction with fans asking themselves “What are we?”

University of Oregon: The Ducks used to have a mascot that resembled Disney’s Donald Duck dressed in the green and white of Oregon and he was quite the fan favorite.

Since the university administration sold their soul’s to NIKE for sponsorships they have opted to allow NIKE to design their mascot uniform which changes from year to year, much like their university football teams uniforms.

Currently the Oregon Duck mascot looks like the offspring of a gay Mister Peanut and a Raptor than a Duck.

Congratulations…

Purdue University: Despite the fact Purdue Pete scares small children and frightens the elderly with his large and cumbersome bulbous head and has a face that looks like the lead character in “Mask”, it is nice to know that he has returned to the dating scene.

WHEN VIEWING THE GAME AT HOME

The Right Way….
You are encouraged to decorate your house (inside as well as outside)
with various adornments to include university flags etc.
One should be wearing university colors and logos, this goes for significant others in the household and children as well.

The following is also encouraged on game day at your home or residence:

It’s important to establish “healthy boundaries” for you and your guests on College Football Game Days.
This will further enhance the experience for you as well as your guests and provide a warm and comfortable environment to enjoy the festivities.
Opposing fans visiting your household should be treated as honored guests and be allowed to partake of food and drink at their hearts desire, until such time as they begin trash talking about the level of competency of your team and then it’s permissible to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

If you’re next door neighbor, with whom you have a wonderful relationship with, is a fan or supporter of your arch rival.
Then it is permissible on college football game day to give any member of that particular family the preverbal middle finger while exchanging pleasantries when retrieving the morning paper.

The verbal exchange may go something like this:

Tim: Nice day isn’t it Joe?

Joe: Up yours Timmy! I hope your family contracts cholera!

EDITORS NOTE:
This exchange is permissible on College Football Game day as long as he is a fan of your arch rival, even if the neighbor in question is your local pastor.

It is also permissible to scream at the television set knowing full well that no one on the other end can hear you or grasp your jesters.
Please inform your guests that you are aware of this fact and please remind them if they mention this fact more than once in an effort to elicit humor, then you are obligated to tell them to “Grab their #hit and get the hell out of your house” even if it is your local pastor.

The only person allowed to touch or operate the remote control is the one or possibly two adult collegiate football fans living in the household.
Permission may be grated on a game by game basis to adult friends, neighbors, family members etc. but only with permission.
If your dear friend’s wife who couldn’t spell football if you spotted her the “O’s” and the “L”’s” attempts to commandeer the remote control because she is either bored or “wants to see what’s on CNN”, it is permissible, without consulting her significant other, to break her arm, especially if it’s fourth and goal from the one yard line.

Additionally, the household should resemble a tailgate party on steroids
(Please see Tailgating section above for further amplification)

EDITORS NOTES:
It is important to note if you live or plan to move to Morgantown West Virginia that following a “Win” by the Mighty Mountaineers of West Virginia it is excepted that you and your family will take a piece of furniture from your house, preferably a couch and light it on fire in the front yard.

It is my understanding that if you and your family choose “not” to take part in this Mountaineer ritual in Morgantown the West Virginia faithful will perform the ritual for you using whatever possessions of yours they deem appropriate.

The Wrong Way…
Having a variety of games for children on college game day at one’s house is encouraged; it prevents them from distracting you and your guests from the college football game.
However, providing alcohol to children is forbidden and illegal unless you live in the following states or territories:
West Virginia – Minnesota – South Dakota – Pennsylvania – Arkansas – Oklahoma – Tennessee and Puerto Rico

Additionally, not having snacks while preparing your tailgating experience and during the game itself will identify you as an amateur college football fan.
Do not let your personal income be a deterrent to a positive college football game day experience.
If one can only afford a bag of Cheeto’s and a twelve pack of beer, then that should be shared and no one will think any worse of you.
In fact, I have on good authority that is considered “Thanksgiving” for most Illinois Fighting Pumpkins and Indiana Hoosier fans.

I hope this will enhance your College Football experience in 2010

PRE-SEASON PROGNOSTICATIONS & OBSERVATIONS

This season the Michigan Wolverines will fail to qualify for a bowl game (again)

But the Michigan State Spartans will…..

In November of this year the National Geographic Society…..
Will discover that Wynonna Judd is actually a Triceratops.

Good News Fighting Irish Fans! You will qualify for a Bowl game this year….
The Boudreaux Butt Paste Bowl in Tupelo Mississippi (It’s very prestigious)

There will not be an undefeated Southeastern Conference Champion this year…

The University of Southern California Trojans will not be going to a bowl game this year, no wait.
They can’t go any way, right? Never mind.

Brent Musburger and Vern Lundquist will vie for the coveted title of “Biggest Dumbass in American Sports Casting.”
Currently they are neck and neck in the contest;…
No wait, I just remembered Vern doesn’t have a neck.
So another unit of measure will need to be determined.
More on this later.

A referee and his crew will blow a call and a possession in the same game.

EDITORS NOTE: I have two words for you – PENN WAGERS.

This season LSU Tiger Coach Les Miles will say something positively ridiculous and then promptly defend it.

EDITORS NOTE: If you count what Les Miles said at the Southeastern Conference Media Days last month, then my prediction has already come to pass.

“I think anybody that enjoys competition enjoys playing best teams. In the Western Division, we have it.”

Les Miles – SEC Media Days July 23rd 2010

Arkansas Coach Houston Nutt will deny any wrong doing of any kind in anything related to anything he has ever been associated with or thought he was associated with.

Sometime this year the Evergreen State Geoduck mascot will make someone throw up when they see it for the first time.

The Tebow-less Florida Gators will be a lot stronger than you might think

The Texas Longhorns (See Above and substitute Tebow-less with McCoy-less)

The Miami Hurricanes will have the opportunity to prove if they are for real when they visit the Big Horseshoe and the Mighty Ohio State Buckeyes on September 11th

The Boise State Bronco’s will not finish the 2010 college football season undefeated.

But the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian might….
If they get by the Beavers of Oregon State on September 4th.

My Mighty Southern Methodist University Mustangs will return to a Bowl game again this year. Believe it.

Early in the season Coach Rich Rod of Michigan will attempt to divert the hostile Ann Arbor sports media by deferring questions to a Sock Monkey during post game news conferences.

EDITORS NOTE: I have on good authority the Sock Money even wears a ball with a big “M” on it, which is nice.

Speaking of the “First Family of Wolverine Football”…..
Coach Rich Rod’s wife, Rita will have an exhibit named after her in the Natural Science Museum and Exhibit Hall in Ann Arbor this year.
It is my understanding they have named a new species of dinosaur after her and the artist rendition of the creature will be on display through the coming football season.
It’s called a “Skank-a- Saurus”

EDITORS NOTE: Who knew dinosaurs had bleach blond hair, wore nine inch clear plastic stripper shoes and had their makeup done at Earl Shive?
Isn’t science fascinating?