Some people said he was a dirty player….
But those former players and sportswriters are at the very least sissy’s and at the worst cowards.

Jack Tatum was one of Woody Hayes All-American’s for The Ohio State Buckeyes and an All-Pro for the once feared Oakland Raiders and he is one of the greatest players to have ever played the game of football.

He was a Gladiator

Jack was a Lion on the football field and a Lamb off the field.

On the football field Jack would stalk his prey with a relentlessness that is not seen today.

He would delivery blows to his opponents that reverberated around the stadium with the force of a discharged howitzer. No arm tackling or grabbing somebody high by the jersey, no sir…

Jack would hit you so hard your grandmother would wince.

If you have a son that wants to play football go to YouTube or some other media outlet
and show him how Jack Tatum played the game of football.

That is how it’s supposed to be done my friends.

He was feared by his opponents

Yet he always had time to give an autograph to a fan or provide a word of encouragement to a child.

He was loved by his family, friends, teammates and fans and he loved them all back.

If you were a male between the ages of six to sixty living in the seventies you dreamed of playing football like Jack Tatum and that goes for Michigan Wolverine and Pittsburgh Steelers fans too, even if they don’t want to admit it.

The Gladiator that was Jack Tatum passed away this week at the age of 61.

I feel like a part of me passed with him.

The game I once loved has changed in the Professional ranks.

It’s no longer as violent and players change teams like most of us change our socks.

Except for the rare exception….
Players aren’t as physically or mentally tough as they used to be, sorry folks but it’s true.

Sportswriters who have never played the game of football decide who is worthy of the “Hall of Fame” and who is not based primarily on personal likes and dislikes and their selections rarely have anything to do with performance.

Jack Tatum has deserved to be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame for some time.
The fact he isn’t in the hallowed halls of Canton Ohio is a microcosm of what’s wrong in Professional Football today.

That’s why I rarely discuss Professional Football and certainly don’t waste my time writing about it, the game today is like the NBA on artificial turf.

Fortunately the folks at the College Football Hall of Fame aren’t as stupid and self absorbed.

Jack Tatum was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame in 2004 and speaking for myself and the entire Buckeye Nation, we couldn’t be prouder.

I love Jack Tatum and I always will.

He was a Gladiator

He embodied sacrifice, teamwork and a work ethic that isn’t seen today in professional sports.

Thank you for the memories Jack….
There won’t be another player like you pass this way again; you will be greatly missed.

Tell Coach Hayes we miss him too.

RTR

The CFB Wizard

I will be back soon, but until then….

When I grow up I want to be just like Colt McCoy…..

Enjoy this short video of Longhorn star receiver Jordan Shipley
and country music singer Aaron Watson singing at Colt’s recent wedding.

Congratulations Colt

Click here to view the embedded video.

RTR

The CFB Wizard

Despite the fact I don’t put a lot of faith in the college football “recruiting process” as a whole,
I know many of you would like Your Favorite College Football Prognosticators opinion on the latest recruiting news.

So here goes…..

When I hear any member of the national sports media declare the “Recruiting National Championship”…
It makes me want to retch.

And I’ll tell you why…..

Yes it’s important to have good players attend your university…
But it’s equally important to have good kids with character that are willing to be coached attend your school.

That being said, it’s also important to have coaches who can and will work patiently with those kids…
Because that is what they are: kids

The college football world is littered with big names coming out of high school that started out with great expectations..
Only to sizzle out like a cheap Chinese firecracker.

Once promising careers, over before they got started.

You are thinking of a few of those names as we speak aren’t you?
I know I am…

But if you ask me who I thought did the best in recruiting this year, after all that’s why you are reading this article, right?
I will tell you..

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED

Before we get into all that……
I want to comment on Stewart Mandel’s article in Sport’s Illustrated who declared….
“The University of Southern California Trojans will be playing in the 2012 National Championship game”
Based on what the magazines resident Trojan lover gushingly assumes is the greatest pool of talent ever assembled in all of college football.

My comment is simply this……
Wasn’t Stewart the same gibbering idiot that said after the Trojans defeated the Buckeyes last year;
“Pencil the Trojans into the National Championship game, they are on their way to Pasadena!”

Stewart really knows how to put the “Dumb” in “Ass”, doesn’t he?

Now let’s talk college football recruiting for a moment.

You know who did well and who did “surprisingly” well recruiting this year..
So I won’t waste your time and space rehashing what the recruiting services said
or discussing the “amazing” qualities of high school kids who haven’t taken a snap in college football yet.

But you want to know who I thought did the best in recruiting this year, right?

The Might Clemson Tigers and I will tell you why.

Clemson Coach Dabo Swinney honored a scholarship the Tigers offered to a high school linebacker a year ago…
Who will never play a down in Death Valley.

Jake Nicolopulos was a wonderfully gifted, talented linebacker from Anderson South Carolina.
He was fast, hard hitting and a good student at T. L. Hanna High School about twenty minutes from Clemson.

Jake had accepted a scholarship to play for the Clemson Tigers a year ago
and it was the culmination of a life long dream to play in Death Valley.

Jake had a stroke in December.

Jake couldn’t talk or write, or even walk after major surgery to relieve the pressure on his brain.
Jakes’ parents, Craig and mother Ann, were told by doctors their son might not survive.
But he did make it, assisted by surgery that removed part of his skull cap to relieve pressure on his brain.
His father said it was stored in his abdomen and will eventually be reattached to his head.

Immediately after word of Jakes condition reached the Tigers, Clemson athletic director Terry Don Phillips pledged to Swinney
the players’ scholarship would be honored and maintained.

“He will be a part of this family,” Coach Swinney said.

Swinney and his other assistant coach’s tracked Jakes progress during his hospital stay in Anderson..
then as he was moved to Shepherd Center in Atlanta, a facility that specializes in medical treatment, research and rehabilitation for people with spinal cord and brain injuries.
Swinney and his assistant coach’s visited Jake soon after the stroke when the teenager could not speak and only had control of the left side of his body.
They presented him with a No. 9 Clemson jersey with his name on the back.
“He clutched that thing and pulled it right up to his face with his good hand,” Assistant Coach Brad Scott said.
“I’ll never, ever forget that.”

Two months later he had improved enough to sign his National Letter of Intent with Coach Swinney

Slowly, Jake has learned to walk.
His speech has increased, although Craig acknowledged there are many long days of work ahead.

Jake has started his second stage of rehab – six-to-eight weeks of outpatient physical therapy in Atlanta.
He might need speech therapy after that before returning to Anderson and a future at Clemson.
“This is realized dream for him that he achieved, that he earned,” Swinney said.
“God had a little bit of a different plan for him.
But I don’t have doubt at all Jake Nicolopulos will make an impact at Clemson.”

He already has Coach, he already has.

Coach Swinney and the Clemson Tigers reminded us all college football is more than a game.

It’s about Character

It’s about Patience

It’s about Life

RTR

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD

Hell yeah it’s me!

The Number Damn One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!

It’s Hootie “Mad as Hell” Snitch

Hell yes I’m Mad!

You want to know why?

Cause everything done got turned upside down!!

First that damn dope smoking California Loving Coach Lame Kitten..
Done ditched us faster than a supermodel on a blind date with a one eyed midget.

Not to mention I went and done gave Lame and his whole damn Zima drinking coaching staff
“free two –for-one coupons” at Snitch’s Bar and Grill for all the Possum wings and Muskrat Nuggets they could eat.

I bet that SOB took them coupons with him when he left too!

I call that ungrateful as Hell!

Now there might be some cussing in this one, so you might not want your young’uns a reading this episode.

And if that ain’t bad enough…..

Two of my waitresses at my restaurant Snitch’s Bar and Grill….
Who just so happened to be Tennessee Hostesses for “recruiting purposes” done went and got arrested.

But I’ll get to that in a minute I ain’t done with Lame “Ass” Kitten, not by a damn sight.

The University of Tennessee done went and gave him the highest salaried staff in the whole Southeastern Conference
and the highest budget in all of damn college football to recruit football players.

Guess what he done?

Not a damn thing but almost bankrupt the athletic department!

He spent that money faster than the federal government!

The University covered up his partying with coeds off campus

We all forgave him for running his mouth and acting like a damn ass….

We turned a deaf ear when he said there weren’t no good high school football players in the state of Tennessee.
I ain’t going to lie, that one flat pissed me off.

We gave him a pass when his damn assistants acted like over age and over weight Chippendale dancers taking their shirts off to try and impress recruits.
I wasn’t going to say nothing about it….
But that was so gay I believe if Boy George drove by and saw that a going on
Even he would holler out the window “By God that IS Gay!”

We even got his recruits into our college, even when they couldn’t spell cat if you spotted them the “C” and the damn “T”

Some of them boys he recruited are dumber than a sack full of dog turds and I ain’t even joking about that.

If you think I’m a wrong
Then why in the hell would you rob somebody with all your Tennessee Football gear on in Knoxville?
Why didn’t that boy and them other football players…
Just show them people they was fixing to rob their student I D’s before they tried to car jack them?

And the University covered up his car accident too.

My Momma was the one that towed his car….
By the way yawl need to call that International Tow Truck Hall of Fame, Museum and Gift Shop and tell them to put my Momma in that Hall of Fame!

Anyway Momma said when she went to tow Lame’s car he was so drunk he couldn’t hit the ground with his hat.
She said it and my Momma don’t lie!

Remember when….
Lame said all that mess about “wanting to embrace the traditions of Tennessee” and “Singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida”?

Well at least I can say he was consistent, cause he didn’t do any of those damn things.

Then after all of that….
He don’t have the common decency to have a press conference longer that a damn minute to thank us for everything we done for him?

And where did Ole Lame “Ass Kitten” go too?
He run off to the weakest college football conference in the damn country!
I know them media types slobber over them Southern California Trojans
Like people at a Weight Watchers meeting over a Nutty Buddy, but the facts is facts.

Most of them teams out west couldn’t beat Maryville Tennessee High School.

Fact is, he couldn’t compete with the Big Boys in the S-E-C and that’s how I see it.

Now that I about got that out of my system, I got one more thing to say about this subject.

Just for the record I thought those black football jerseys were dumber than hell.

Now about the arrest of my waitresses and “former” Tennessee hostesses for “recruiting purposes”…
Yawl probably heard about it, right?

Here is a what the newspaper said about it, then I will tell you the “real” facts.

JANUARY 28–Two Tennessee women who accused a man of rape have admitted to cops that they had consensually agreed to sex with him in exchange for a pack of cigarettes.
One woman told investigators that the duo filed a phony police report because they “didn’t enjoy the sex,” according to cops.
Jessica Kathleen Alexander, 18, and Tammy Nicole Ortega, 29, were arrested today for filing a false police report.

Here are the real facts, first; they never said what kind of cigarettes they was trading for?

Was it Marlboro Reds in the Box?
Because that changes “everything”, know what I mean?
Because I know for a fact, them girls don’t smoke no generic brand.

Second the police should take them girls word for what happened
Because of them being University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”.

And thirdly, why does everybody want to pick on the good looking women?
I will tell you why, damn jealousy that’s why!
I am willing to bet the keys to Snitch’s Bar and Grill…
That this whole damn thing is driven by jealousy cause these gals are so damn good looking.

If they wasn’t good looking, then why was they University of Tennessee hostesses “for recruiting purposes”?

I rest my case.

Glad I could clear that up for everybody.

More later on Tennessee’s new football Coach from Snitch’s Bar and Grill.

Hootie – Out!

Glad you enjoyed the first installment of the 2010 College Football News
And as promised…

The follow on installment for your viewing pleasure..

If you enjoyed the first article, then this should hit your funny bone in just the right place

But before I leave you to your reading…

You did get the memo that the “World is Coming to an End”

Right?

In case you didn’t get the email….
It simply says ….

The New Orleans Saints are going to the Super Bowl….

Hell has indeed frozen over….

Enjoy …..

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA….SELF PUNISHMENT

As you know I don’t mix my sports together but this was too good not to mention.

So the “other” O.J. from the University of Southern California Trojans

EDITORS NOTE: By the above statement I am referring to the O.J. that didn’t
murder his wife and young waiter friend, just so we are clear on that…

That caused so many problems by admitting (Sort of) to accepting money to play basketball for the Trojans
which subsequently got his Coach fired…..

Remember him?

EDITORS NOTE: Again…..
This is not a reference to the O.J. that murdered two people in southern California
and was able to walk away because a jury of idiots let him loose on the streets.

Well the University of Southern California decided they would “punish” themselves over their indiscretions and guess what?
The NCAA said that was “A O.K.” with them

If you are wondering why that is such a big deal…

It’s because that NEVER happened before in the South…

As in NEVER…….EVER….

Coach Bobby Bowden and Florida State can I get an Amen?

Clemson?

Southern Methodist University?

Kentucky?

Auburn?

Florida State?

Texas A&M?

Oklahoma State?

Alabama?

Georgia?

No “SELF PUNISHMENT” allowed for any of these Southern schools
BUT the University of Southern California can get a pass and a slap on the wrist…

All because O.J…..

EDITORS NOTE: Just a reminder….
This is in no way a reference to the O.J. from the Southern California Trojans that MURDERED two people and got away with it…
Due in large part to the preponderance of fools in the Los Angeles area who showed up for jury duty.

I am convinced the University of Southern California Trojans are in bed with the NCAA and collectively they couldn’t spell justice and fairness
If you spotted them the “I’s and the S’s”

But I do have one question related to the Trojan Football program…
How do you plan on “Self Punishing” this….

FOXSPORTS – ESPN – ABC SPORTS – CBS SPORTS

You all just can’t bring yourselves to report anything negative on the Trojans?

Can you?

Not after Lame Kitten and his staff put the screws to Tennessee
and left them hanging while stealing their recruits and nearly bankrupting their athletic budget?

Not even after that?

What about Lame’s history of NCAA recruiting violations at Tennessee
and how maybe that won’t fit well with the ongoing NCAA “investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Trojans?

Nothing?

Your not going to report on Lame’s “car accident” while he was with the Volunteers?

You may not want to report anything on the Trojans….

But everybody knows…..
Take for example last week’s NFC Championship game with network prognosticator and comedian Frank Caliendo
imitating Jack Nicholson, giving his prediction for the game.
In the course of his prediction concerning the New Orleans Saints
He said: “Did you see the way Reggie Bush played last week?
He has not played that well since he signed his first professional contract to play for U$C”

Enough said….

THE WHITE HOUSE

So now the White House wants
To “examine” the legitimacy of the Bowl Championship Series.
They might as well, I mean it’s not like we have anything else going on…..
With two wars, an economy that is a popcorn fart away from collapse and unemployment that is rising faster than a hot air balloon.

I am convinced our government could screw up a two car funeral

NCAA EMAIL…..

Email intercepted from NCAA search committee for Myles Brands successor

Mr Ray,
There isn’t much being made in the media about our search for a successor for Mr Myles Brand.
I feel as if our search committee is being slighted by the lack of coverage.
We have decided to “leak” a couple of names to the press in order to generate publicity for the NCAA.
Judge Judy: A no nonsense legal eagle who could easily reign in the malcontents who incessantly complain about everything from referee calls to scheduling.
She would be able to stave off attacks by the Stoop’s & Spurrier’s of the coaching ranks with caustic wit and her forceful nature.
William Shatner: Everybody still remembers him from Star Trek.
Who better to lead this organization into the future than a Starship Commander?
We have a couple of other names in mind should the need arise: Jeff Probst from Survivor & Jet Li of action film fame.
However, we’ll hold these names until the need arises
Search Committee
NCAA

EDITORS NOTE: I guess Hitler was unavailable for an interview…

FLORIDA STATE

As we all know the Seminoles traded Saint Bobby for a Jimbo

But I have to ask…..

So you promoted the offensive coordinator who couldn’t put more than ten whopping points on the Gators to be your Head Coach?

Ah, Ok…..

TIM TEBOW and THE SUPER BOWL ADD

THE WIZARDS COMMENTARY

I just read an article in which the National Organization for Women, the Women’s Media Center of New York, the Feminist Majority and others
do not approve of an ad sponsored by Focus on the Family that recounts the difficult pregnancy of Pam Tebow when she was carrying Tim Tebow.
Because of the problems she had with her pregnancy, she was advised to have an abortion.
She didn’t heed the advice.

The Women’s Media Center describes Focus on the Family as “anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic” and claims…..
CBS will damage their reputation by airing the ad. Huh?
It sounds like if you’re anti-equality, anti-choice, and homophobic, then you’re probably a conservative.
Isn’t most of America really, deep down, conservative?
Don’t they really mean that if you don’t agree with them and don’t fall in lock-step with their views that you’re an unenlightened Neanderthal, incapable of logical thought?
That’s liberal enlightenment, if I ever heard it.

It also sounds like the fine folks at the NCAA, doesn’t it?

The president of the National Organization for Women claims that the ad would be “extraordinarily offensive and demeaning” to women. Huh?
You mean if you make ads ONLY for abortion, etc then no one should find that offensive.
I guess if you even have thoughts and ideas contrary to what they believe then you’re a bad, neo-con, Nazi. Riiiiiight.
Who are the real Nazi’s, the ones that want to suppress free thought or the ones who will express a thought counter to what the liberal socialists think no matter how much ridicule it brings.

I ask you?

USC VERSES USC

As you may have read the University of Southern California took the University of South Carolina to court over the “trademark” of their respective symbols
more specifically the interlocking initials of their U-S-C.

“Mister” Edelman the attorney for Southern California had these professional words to say concerning the dispute….

“Sports logo registrations are not limited to use in team colors, so there was potential for South Carolina merchandise to be mistaken for that of (Southern Cal), Edelman said.
He also suggested that the letters were more deservedly linked to the Trojans’ warrior image than to “a goofy little chicken.”
“I think they wanted to move away from the gamecock logo,” Edelman said of the University of South Carolina. “Something that is totally understandable.”

I ask you dear readers, how in the hell do you get these two symbols confused?

My take on this dispute is simple….
Listen closely Gamecock faithful….
Tell the University of Southern California and the Court to kiss your Gamecock ass.

Keep your USC symbol as it is….

TENNESSEE

It has been reported that Phil Fulmer assisted the University of Tennessee in finding the replacement for Lame Kitten.

It was further reported Phil had this to say concerning his “duties”

He stated he was ready to help make “one of the most important decisions” in the program’s history.
He also said the next coach should embrace Tennessee traditions, be mature and have integrity.

By using terms like “traditions” and “integrity” does Phil mean protecting rapist and other criminals on the team, while concocting conspiracies against your rivals?

Does it mean changing grades and inventing “walking classes” for athletes?

Or does it mean having a six percent graduation rate for your student athletes?

Maybe it means having your own personal attorney “represent” those thugs on the team
that beat up a female student that refused to do his homework and the athletes that beat up and permanently disfigured a male student at a basketball game.

I hope for the University of Tennessee, that wasn’t what he meant.

EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir –
You appear from your writing to be an educated man with some sense of worldliness”
So I ask you this question in hopes you will assist me in my quest for justice.
Recently I purchased a women’s brief case, yet upon arriving back at my apartment and opening the case I noticed there were no women’s undergarments inside.
I attempted to get my money back after vehemently complaining to the proprietor and accusing him of “false advertisement” since there were no ladies briefs anywhere in the case, but to no avail.
In fact they ridiculed me as I left the establishment in disgust!
So I ask you sir, Do I have a clear cut case of False Advertisement or not?
Thomas – Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Tom, do you live in your Grandmothers’ basement and dress up in her clothes?
I’m just asking before I dispense any expert legal advice…

Q: Mister Wizard, we were all sorry to hear you didn’t get the opportunity to attend the National Championship game this year in beautiful southern California!
We were in hopes you would have the opportunity to attend one of our many diversity classes here at the Pasadena Community College, just around the corner from the world famous Rose Bowl.
In fact we have an interactive history class which would have been perfect for you!
It’s called the “Boston Tea Party Massacre Story”……
The class opens with Abraham Lincoln freeing the wrongly imprisoned Asian Americans from World War II interment camps, and establishing a coalition of partners to rebuild the Aztecs Empire after the United States military mistakenly carpet bombed them.
Meanwhile Millard Fillmore and Jimmy Carter, perhaps two of our country’s greatest leaders, destroy hundreds of Lipton Tea Bags in Boston Harbor in protest over America’s treatment of Cuba; Gloria Estefan will provide the theme music for this particular portion of the class and the award winning documentary director Michael Moore has gladly offered his services to direct the group towards the truth.
We have the entire class available on CD, would you like for us to send you a copy?
Dr. Emilio Jose T. Ricardo- Pasadena, California

A: I have but one comment on your letter Doctor
How dare you drag Gloria Estefan into your twisted world!
That woman is a national treasure!

Q: Sir, I know this is “slightly” off the college football subject…
But I know you love BBQ, so I need to ask….
How can you tell the moment you walk into a BBQ joint if it’s going to be any good?
Jim – New Iberia, Louisiana

A: College Football and BBQ go together like peas and carrots; so don’t worry about asking a question like that here. You came to the right place….
As you may know I am a bit of an “expert” when it comes to BBQ….
That being said Jim….
I look for two things right off the bat in a BBQ joint..
One…
When you walk in, you should be able to smell that smoky goodness…..
Two…
If the place has a Jukebox and Conway Twitty is playing when you walk in…
You are home…
(More on my highly scientific process later…)

Q: Greetings and Salutations Mister Wizard!
I have followed your articles concerning college football “live” mascots very closely.
Why you may ask?
Because I have the next “live” mascot for the University of South Carolina!
I have raised a rooster that I call “El Uno Con Grande Talentos”
(The one with the Large Talons)
Just imagine…..
As El Uno Con Grande Talentos enters William Brice Stadium….
Everyone in the stadium will be wearing festive hats and blowing party horns and screaming “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!” “Viva El Uno Con Grande Talentos!”
Then for the finale…..The Carolina Cheerleaders can come on to the field and shout
“Ole! Ole! Ole! Ole!” While wearing festive sombreros and pulling a burro!
What do you think?
Jose – Conway, South Carolina

A: Jose you are aware this is “College football” and not bullfighting, right?

Q: Well Mister Wizard you have had quite a Year!
Your beloved Crimson Tide are the National Champions!
Southern California is in disarray as is the NCAA and Notre Dame…
Is there anything you “didn’t” get for Christmas this year?
Melinda –Bay City, Texas

A: I am very fortunate and blessed Melinda, that’s for sure.
And certainly I have had nearly every wish granted to me this year in college football.
So I have no complaints…
But If I could have but one more wish….
I wish a herd of rabid possums would attack and eat Jon and Kate and all eight of what ever the hell they are.
I am sick of hearing about those idiots
Q: So Mister Wizard, do you have any big plans before Spring Football starts?
Perhaps a vacation?
Just wondering….
The Rogers Family – Omaha, Nebraska

A: Great question and thank you for asking Rogers family.
This “off season” I will use my time to finalize my court case against the popular restaurant chain “Cracker Barrel”.
I am in the process of suing the popular chain because quite simply….
Every time I see the name it reminds me I am white….
I mean seriously, what’s next “Honky Bucket”?
No this discrimination has got to Stop!
Either that or they may pay me 12 million dollars for my “pain” and “suffering” and we can call it even.

Q: What is the deal with Mark May of ESPN!
You have been right about him all along!
My wife and I got a chance to meet him recently at a promotion for Home Depot..
They are the sponsor of the ESPN College Game Day Set, and Lord have mercy!
You want to talk about some bad breath!
Mark May’s breath smelled like ass and boiled cabbage!
It made my wife’s eyes water!
I am telling you his breath smells like my Saint Bernard’s butt!
Anyway…..
Thanks for telling us about Mark May, we should have listened to you.
Doug and Karen Shipley – Paducah, Kentucky

A: Actually Mr. and Mrs. Shipley I said Mark May was “full of crap”, I never said his breath smelled like it too.

Q: Hey Mister Smart Ass!
We Tennessee Fans don’t appreciate it one damn bit you making fun of Coach Drooly with them funny pictures!
First things first, he come from “real” coaching stock, in case you hadn’t heard his daddy was THE Coach Drooly from the University of Georgia!
Ever heard of him?
Second, he was coaching at a school that was right up the road from them LSU Tigers, and they never played him, you want to know why?
Cause they is scared of Coach Drooly, that’s why!
Third, he ain’t from California so that makes him ok in our book!
So Lay off Coach Drooly!
Slim and Scooter Watkins – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: With names like “Slim and Scooter” I can only hope one of you aren’t anorexic and the other is on a Hover Round scooter,
but that being said, I was going to correct you on the name of your new coach, but frankly I am laughing too hard.

Post Season Thanks….

In my National Championship euphoria I failed to thank my sponsors and all the fine people
that not only help with this article week after week throughout the season…..
But encourage me to keep writing.
There are truly too many people to thank here…
But in no particular order I need to acknowledge a few people….
I couldn’t type a single word or have it posted without the amazingly talented Dennis
who is the single greatest webmaster on planet earth.
Thank you Dennis, you sir are the man.
I want to thank Big Paul, Matt and Hank and the Charleston “A-Team” for great ideas, tremendous humor, invaluable contributions and friendship.
Thank you to my “Royal” Family of Alabama….
The Princess, Miss Kaye and Christy, whose humor, encouragement and kindness have kept me writing, I love you ladies.
To my adopted Clemson Family
Thank you so very much for everything, I truly miss and love you all.
My Deepest Gratitude to Bulldog Jim and the Mississippi State Bulldog faithful for all their encouragement and kind words.
Many Thanks goes to my other Carolina family, Beaver Jim, Susan and the Aiken Crew for your contributions, ideas and tremendous sense of humor.
Thank you to Eric and the rest of the Oak Ridge Boys.
Many Thanks to Lee and his beautiful Texas bride, I owe you my friend.
To my family in Baja Alabama
Deke, Steve, Seminole Puddly, Arkansas Dave, Reece and Eric and the many others…
You all got me started, provided great humor, ideas and encouragement throughout the years.
I can never thank you all enough.

I owe a depth of gratitude to Col J and the Husker Nation.
You encouraged me to keep writing when I wasn’t feeling it, I thank you sir.

To all my overseas readers and contributors, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I also want to thank the fine people at the Stony Brook Chalets in Gatlinburg

Drop by for a weekend and relax or plan a vacation with them, you won’t be disappointed.
Tell Pam and Ed your favorite college football prognosticator sent you.

http://stonybrooklodging.com/

And lastly…

As long as you continue to enjoy it, I’ll keep writing.

That’s why I do it…

Thank you all

NEXT WEEK..

The Number One Tennessee Fan on the planet
will have his commentary and comments later this week about Lame Kitten and the newest coach to Beacon Hill.

So stay Tuned..

RTR

THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL WIZARD

Have I mentioned The University of Alabama Crimson Tide
ARE the College Football National Champions?
I have?
Sorry, it’s been a while for me…

We have a lot to catch up on don’t we?

In fact we have SO much to talk about
This segment will be posted in “two” separate articles, to include your email questions and answers…
So be sure and check back for part two in a couple of days…

But where to begin?

Let’s see….

How about we start with….

How Coach Pete Carroll ran like a scalded dog to the Home of Starbucks……
(I wonder if he is taking his Malibu Co-ed?)
Before the Joe McKnight “scandal” and the Reggie Bush “investigation” caught up with him and the “mediocre” Trojans.

You don’t think that was the reason he split in the middle of the night?

My friends….
Have a seat relax and read on…
This is going to be fun…

Are you comfortable?
Good….
Let me simply say this….

Coach Pete was more than concerned about the Joe McKnight “situation” and down right scared to death of a little something going on in San Diego County.

Why?

Because finally…
Reggie Bush is being sued in “open” court in San Diego by his sports agents while he was at Southern California to recoup losses they suffered when Reggie “breached” his contract with them.

You see…
“New Era Sports” paid for everything for young Reggie while he was at U$C….
I just hope the NCAA “investigators” can find the San Diego court room.
They damn sure couldn’t find Reggie’s Momma’s house all these years with a road map and a GPS.

Speaking of the “mediocre” Southern California Trojan’s….
Remember when ESPN, FOXSports, Lisa Horne and the College Football News all said..
“The USC Trojans will be in the National Championship game…”

That seems really stupid now, doesn’t it?
Almost as stupid as when the same organizations and Miss Horne stated that……
“The PAC 10 is the premier College Football Conference in the country”

EDITORS NOTE: Honestly…..
That still cracks me up……
Seriously Lisa GO to VEGAS you are hilarious!

So Back to Saint Pete…….
So all that rhetoric (and Books..) about loyalty and winning “forever”
Was as fake as the Lips and Boobs on most women (and Men…) in Southern California?
I hate to be the one to say this but…..
I TOLD YOU SO……

No need to thank me

But I do have one little question before we leave the topic of Southern California?
SOooooooooooooooooooooooo………………………
When ANY College or University in the South doesn’t interview a minority candidate for the head coaching position
The Good Reverend Jesse Jackson and his disgruntled minions will “march” and “protest” faster than you can say “We shall Overcome”.

But Southern California can hire Lame Kitten without (By their OWN admission) interviewing any minority candidates
And it’s just “Cool and the Gang” am I right?

EDITORS NOTE: If there is any prejudice in this country…..
It’s against the South…..
I for one am sick and tired of it…

GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS?

So they chased the “Pirate” Coach Leach out of Lubbock?
Because a one time SMU Great and current television commentator’s son didn’t like how he was treated?
I also need to add, the Red Raiders fired the best coach they ever had without reviewing all the facts….and might I also say…….
(Unless I have missed something…)
No one has a right to play college football….
IF you don’t like something about your football program
(Players in Kansas are you listening?)
Then take your little cry baby fanny some placed where losing is fashionable and individual rights and “We are the World” is used as an anthem.

SO Who did the Red Raiders get to lead their proud football program?

The Texas Tech Athletic Department was looking for someone with
“Extensive experience at second tier schools”

And as you all know that was when Tommy “Ears” Tubberville showed up…

I have but this to say to my fine folks in Lubbock (Home of Buddy Holly)
Concerning your recent decisions

Good Luck, you are really going to need it….

MY OLD KENTUCKY HOME

Coach Rich Brooks retired as the Head Coach of the Wildcats………
Turning the reins of the program he revived over to the offensive coordinator Coach Joseph “Joker” Phillips.

Good Hire, good move….

It was time Coach….

For all the Big Blue Wildcat Fans out there let say….
Thanks for the memories…

You’re a class act Coach Brooks….

Good Luck to Coach Phillips too….
You will do just fine Coach…

MEANWHILE ACROSS THE STATE OF KENTUCKY

The Cardinals of Louisville…

EDITORS NOTE: The above is in no way a reference to the Catholic Archdiocese of Louisville’s Softball team…

Hired the right man in Coach Charlie Strong….
The Cardinals will be tougher, more physical and faster than you have ever seen them…
That’s a promise…

And from a pure spectator perspective

The Battle for the Bluegrass just got really serious….

MIGHTY SMU MUSTANGS

I didn’t want us to get away from the college football news without saying…

How about those Mighty Southern Methodist Mustangs winning their Bowl Game?
I am SO proud of those Ponies….
Coach June Jones….
Thank you

TENNESSEE VOLUNTEER FANS

Ah one of my all time favorite topics…

I think it’s time I take the time to answer a question that many a Volunteer fan has asked me over the years.
And that is….
“Why do you make fun of us all the time?”

The answer to this not-so-perplexing question can be found in two places…

One….
A recent headline from the Nashville Tennessean newspaper had this to say….

“UT football reaches a crossroads”
“New Tennessee football coach Derek Dooley promises “class” but can he deliver wins?”

EDITORS NOTE: So having a “Class” program isn’t as important as winning, right?

I hate to be the one to tell you this….
But….
I TOLD YOU SO…

Two….
This is perhaps my favorite of all time…
I simply don’t have the words to explain it…
But it will answer the question of “Why I make fun of Volunteer fans”

This is an article from a semi major newspaper in Tennessee…..
(YES it’s real…)

I am speechless…enjoy.

FROM THE CROSSVILE (TN) CHRONICLE

“Where were you when Kiffin resigned?”

I can remember where I was when Martin Luther King was killed, Elvis died, Reagan was shot, the Space Shuttle blew up and Michael Jackson passed away.
After last week, I can add one more to the list: when Lane Kiffin resigned as coach of the Vols after one season.
Now, if you are reading this, you may wonder why that particular incident would even rank among others.
Well, honestly, if you are ranking them globally, it wouldn’t even be on the charts. But for those of us who are Vol fans, it was one of those moments.

We were actually sitting at a basketball game when the news came across our friend’s phone that Kiffin was leaving the University of Tennessee for Southern Cal. Within minutes, you could hear texts beeping, cells ringing and people talking. I had 15 texts and three phone calls within minutes of his resignation!

Once that news was digested came the speculation of who the new coach would be. That particular school of thought lasted until late last week when UT officials announced that Derek Dooley from Louisiana Tech had accepted the position. But between Kiffin quitting and Dooley accepting, there were an awful lots of songs, texts, emails, etc. mocking Kiffin and company circulating around Big Orange Country. The only person who probably wishes Kiffin had more of a national impact? Tiger Woods!

http://www.crossville-chronicle.com/features/local_story_021162417.html

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously I am speechless…..
More on Lame Kitten and his 66 second resignation speech, his assistant coaches at Tennessee, his “Big Orange” budget, car accident and other misdemeanors later….

I have to re-read the above article again….

COACH DEREK DOOLEY

Have no fear Volunteer fans…
Coach Dooley appears to know his “football” stuff….
Here is a picture of your “new” coach when he was at Louisiana Tech instructing the field goal kicker where to kick the ball for a field goal.

And yet another picture of a drill he used with his players at Tech called….
“Guess what’s on my finger?”

Look at the bright side Volunteer Fans….

He’s not from California..

SOUTH FLORIDA FLIP FLOP

From the here we go again file…
Coach Jim Leavitt of the South Florida Bulls was dismissed as head football coach…
He founded the program….
Started it from scratch…

So another cry baby football player says he was “mistreated” and they fire the coach…

I have but one thing to say for those adults, kids and parents that believe the world revolves around them
and believes there is “fairness” and “justice” and all that horse crap in the world.

There isn’t any…
Life isn’t fair…

There is no real justice in this world, at least not most of the time.

And everybody isn’t equal, sorry.

The kid from South Florida that complained wouldn’t last 15 minutes in Tuscaloosa or Gainesville or Austin, believe it.

Congratulations to Coach Skip Holtz for taking over the Bulls in Tampa
Good Luck Coach…

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,

As Athletic director at the University of Tennessee…
I wanted to let you know that I have made a hire to fill our Head Coaching vacancy.
His name is Derek Dooley and I believe you could best characterize him as a “dream come true.”
He’s a rather slender lad, with brown hair, a quick smile, and medium build.
His penetrating eyes hold your attention as well as his firm hands, and supple buttocks.
I just want you to know that although I, er, we were jilted by the flighty, yet cherubic, Lane Kiffin, the hiring of young Derek was a rather thoughtful affair.
Please wish us luck as we begin a new era at the University of Tennessee.

Michael Hamilton
Athletic Director
University of Tennessee

P.S. I would also like to inform everyone that it is NOT true that I was recently under investigation for trying to solicit young boys in chat rooms.

A: One question Mr. Hamilton….
Are you in anyway related to the lady that wrote the above article
“Where were you when Kiffin resigned?”

Just wondering…

Q: Dear Mister Wizard
Everybody up here in Volunteer Country nose that you is afraid of the Great Coach Phil Fulmer!
So’s what did you think when you heard that Coach Phil Fulmer was
“standing up for the University of Tennessee” and help finding them a good football coach?
Amos – Pikeville, Tennessee

A: Amos the first thing I thought of when I heard Coach Phil Fulmer was “Standing up”

Somebody needs to alert Tokyo…

Q: Dear Sir
I’m just as proud as a peacock today!!!
My beloved University of Georgia Bulldawgs just got the a new Coach for the defense!!
His name is Coach Grantham and he hails from the Dallas Cowboys!!! Man!!!
I almost wet my pants when I heard that.
This is especially good news cause our Head Coach, Mr Mark Richt, was starting to have a complex.
See, he went out and tried to get him two or three other fellas to come over and coach our defensive fellas and they all said “no way, Jose.”
But, he did think he had that Smart fella from Alabama.
Some of neighbors down here did too.
Heck, they was so sure that the Smart guy was coming to Athens that they told me to go up to Tuscaloosa and sit in the airport and wait for that guy to come in to catch a plane to Athens and call them when he did.
See, they were going to give him a can of peaches and a sack boiled peanuts for a welcome gift.

Well, that Smart guy ended up not coming after all.
Can’t understand why. You know, winning a National Championship aint all that big anyway. Just asked Coach Richt.
Well, I gotta go. Make sure you watch my beloved Bulldawgs next year!!!
They might beat Flarda now that Tebows gone and Coach Meyers all depressed!!!
Yeeee-Hawwwww!!!

Lemual in Ludowici

A: Lemual…..I can’t believe Coach Smart didn’t go for the “Can of Peaches and a sack of Boiled Peanuts” as an enticement to come to Athens…
But your unbridled enthusiasm is infectious…

Q: Mister Wizard I just have to ask….
What was the greatest sound you heard after the National Championship game?
Was it “The University of Alabama are the National Champions?”
Ricky – Cottondale, Alabama

A: I really enjoyed hearing that Ricky…
It’s been a long time..

But perhaps what I enjoyed as much as hearing those words was hearing…..
Myles Brand screaming from Hell…..
“NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Q: Dear Sir –
After reviewing articles you have written this college football season…
It is my duty to formally inform you that you are being investigated as an out of control booster
for the University of Alabama for your derisive and inflammatory comments about other member institutions and the highly regarded NCAA.
You have continuously and incessantly called for member institutions to “secede” from the NCAA…
You have been highly critical of the highly regarded coach of the University of Southern California Trojans, Pete Carroll…
and you have made derisive comments about everyone from the recently deceased President Myles Brandt, to the National Collegiate Athletic Association itself.
We feel that your obviously divisive views are a threat to this institution and it’s grand master plan of having USC, Notre Dame, or Ohio State win a National Championship.
Also, with our obvious due diligence of all southern universities, it is apparent that with you being a University of Alabama alumni and former athletic participant there…..
our plan will be to place the University of Alabama on probation, strip it of it’s recent national Championship, and restore the order of our grand master plan.
We will follow this notification with specific just and unbiased charges against you and your website within ten days

Respectfully,
Dr. James Isch
Interim President
NCAA

A: Before you make that decision Jimmy ..
Let me inform you the loud ticking you hear in your office “isn’t” the wall clock….

Now what were you saying about….
My beloved Number One University of Alabama Crimson Tide Football team again?

Q: Dear Sir,
As one of the most respected prognosticators and writers of college football in the nation..
I would like to submit this letter on my behalf to clear up any misconceptions on my immediate departure from the University of Southern California.

First of all, let me address the recent scandals that have been implied by the national media.
Mr Wizard, I really have no recollection of where Reggie Bush’s mother lives.
I really don’t.
I have only been in Southern California for a few years and barely know my way around Los Angeles.
So, you see, I wouldn’t know where to start should the best back in all of college football have taken an illegal benefit from a philanthropic entity that supports USC.
Also, since I don’t know where Mr Bush’s mother lives, I could not; in fact, self report a violation, had there been one.
Rest assured, I would have jumped on that like a flea on a dog had there been.

Also, as for allegations of wrongdoing by Mr McKnight, it is apparent that an unreliable source, the LA Times reporter, implicated him in the incident involving the alleged driving of a vehicle.
We all know how biased the media is when it comes to superb and outstanding college football players, in particular, those from Southern Cal.
Also, if he’d have been seen by anyone from the coaching staff, which he couldn’t have been since they weren’t looking, then we would have self reported.

Lastly, if you look at our roster after this season, then you’d understand why I feel it necessary to leave.
Honestly, we have no shot at anything more than 7-5, maybe 8-4.
It would not be a wise career move for me to stay and have to endure a mediocre season with a record like that.
I have built a reputation as a winner.
To coach a team that wasn’t in National Title contention would not boost my resume in any way and, therefore, could be a career “suicide” type situatio…
most ESPECIALLY in a weak conference like the PAC 10.
Let’s face it, Barkley isn’t what we thought he was, McKnight’s leaving as well as others, so, reluctantly and sadly, I must go.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions about my impending, already made, decision. I hope you will continue to pull for me as I try to further pad my resume in Seattle.

Sincerely
Pete Carroll
President & Coach, Seattle Seahawks

A: Coach Pete that’s about the closest to “honest” I ever heard from you….
Which still isn’t saying much….
But it’s a start…

Q: Mister Wizard you seemed almost apologetic that Alabama won the National Title in one of your articles, why?
Jay – Iola, Texas

A: Not really apologetic Jay….
At least that wasn’t my intent…
It’s like this…
I am really glad Alabama won and really sorry Texas had to lose…

I prefer beating somebody I hate…
And I have nothing but Love for the University of Texas…

So it’s like that..

Q: Mister Football Wizard yawl’s Alabama boys won a Championship, but at Tennessee our boys get more out of football than some damn old glass trophy.
You know what them boys get when they graduate from the University of Tennessee?
Dan – Maynardville, Tennessee

A: Let me guess….
An ankle tracker and a felony record?

Q: Hello! I am all set to attend the third annual Fanny Pack Lovers of America Convention in Pasadena California next month.
My local Chapter of Fanny Pack Lovers or “Pouch People” as we like to be call ourselves are all making the pilgrimage as a group.
At last years convention I entered the fashion show for in the category of “most original” in which I created a fanny pack decorated with Oreo’s that I carved in the likeness of Kenny Rogers.
Much to the dismay of the audience I came in second to Dale Farkas with his “tribute” Fanny Pack to Siegfried and Roy.
Any Who!
The reason I am writing you, do you think former Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis would be a “guest” judge for our contest this year?
Also I ‘m a huge Duck Fan!
Go Quacks!
Skip – Portland, Oregon

A: Coach Charlie isn’t doing anything….
So I am sure he would be thrilled to be a “guest” judge!

Please contact him at “The Biggest Loser”……

More College football News in a couple of days….

Hope you have a great weekend…

RTR

The College Football Wizard