Ladies and Gentlemen -

It appears that I struck a nerve with a large number of Southern California Trojan Fans with my “Sunday Rewind” article yesterday.

Good….

The funny thing is that out of the nearly eighty emails I received; nobody wanted to challenge my facts concerning the Southern California Football Program….

Instead the Trojan fans resorted to name calling….
For example…..

“Why don’t you just let the Reggie Bush thing go #^&%$? He ain’t done nothing wrong Bro!”

From - TrojanChamps2008

“You sound like a typical southern raciest…USC rocks and you can’t stand it!”

From - SoCalGal2010

EDITORS NOTE: What is it about being from the South that makes yankees and liberal weenies think they have the right to call us ugly names?

“Dude you so out of line, &*^% you! Leave brother Reggie and them Trojans alone!”

From - Tro-Jamal12

 

It seems to me that some Southern California Trojan Football Fans want my undivided attention…..

Congratulations…You got it.

This week, along with the usual College Football Picks..
I will have a “Special” Southern California Trojan Addition…….

Be careful what you wish for….

Now on to this weeks “Monday Morning Quarterback”….

 

SATURDAY QUOTES

“Anybody can have a bad century….”

- Kansas Coach Mark Mangino when asked why the Jayhawks have only recently become a contender in the Big 12 Conference

 

STRANGE FACTS KNOWN BY FEW…..

Slightly off the College Football Subject…..
As you all know from time to time, I like to share deep thoughts of knowledge with my beloved readers….
Pearls of wisdom, if you will…
Enjoy….

A man shouldn’t act tough if he has a Richard Simmons Tattoo on his arm….

If you listen to Phil Collins sing “Sussudio” backwards it will encourage you to kill Michael Jackson…

The “K.C” in K.C. and the Sunshine Band Fame doesn’t stand for “Kansas City”….
Who Knew?

It is impossible to MapQuest “Funky Town”….

EDITORS NOTE: I still believe the above to be in Mississippi…

 

TEAM NEWS

ARIZONA & ARIZONA STATE: I believe you all are all sand and no beach.

EDITORS NOTE: Not quite sure what that is suppose to mean, but it came to me today in a meeting and I thought it sounded profound.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Bad Dogs….

NCAA: Would it be too much to ask as to what the status of the Reggie Bush - Southern California Trojan Investigation is? I mean this thing has been going on for what, three years?

PAC 10 CONFERENCE: See “NCAA” Above…

TEMPLE: My God! I finally pick you idiots and you lose….I don’t normally need any help to be made to look stupid…but thanks.

MARYLAND: It was the threat of the Slim Whitman albums wasn’t it?
No need to thank me…..

SOUTH FLORIDA: When the sun goes down in Raymond James Stadium, I believe the Bulls can beat anybody…..

MICHIGAN: Told you so…..

DUKE: You Beat Navy…and Hell didn’t freeze over….
But it did have one heck of a frost….

GEORGIA: HOW Bout Them DAWGS!

 

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

 

Q: Mike I enjoyed your Sunday piece on the National Media’s “Love Fest” with the Southern California Trojan Football team. Not to overlook the 350 Million Dollar Contract the PAC 10 has with ESPN to broadcast football games..Which you exposed! But do you think the national media is influenced by television sponsorship(s) and commercials?
Thanks!
“Doc” - Odessa, Texas
A: Thanks Doc…Before I answer your email: “How Bout them Mojo’s?”
I wouldn’t disagree with your point concerning the “entire” ESPN-ABC network package covering PAC 10 Football games and the football flagship university of that Conference: The U$C Trojans…

Lucky for my beloved readers that I am above such influence…
For example….
As I was preparing for a day of College Football last Saturday…
I fired up my WEBER Charcoal Grill…
That ALWAYS provides a nice even heat for grilling and smoking…

And I realized I needed more KINGSFORD Charcoal…
The KING of all Charcoal….

So, I got in my beautiful FORD TAURUS….
That provided a smooth comfortable ride to the grocery store (that I cannot yet name until a deal has been reached for a limited sponsorship….)

Came back home and opened an ice cold Budweiser, which as we all should know by now…
IS the KING of Beers….

The Perfect Combinations for a Football Saturday….

 
Q: I know this is a crazy question! But do you like The Three Stooges?
Thanks Mike!
Grayson - Beaufort, South Carolina
A: By “The Three Stooges”; do you mean the ABC College Football Commentator Trio of Bob Griese, Brad Nessler and Paul McGuire?
Then “NO”…
But if you are referring to Larry, Moe and Curley…then “YES”

Q: Mike I lost a bet at work, so I have to ask you.
Is there a reason why they always show Brent Musburger from the waist up?
Charlie - Richmond, Virginia
A: Yes there is a good reason Charlie…
College Football is a family program…

So the Network is trying to prevent the audience from noticing that Brent Musburger is in fact…
A Syphilitic Liver spotted Hermaphrodite troll….

Hope that helped…..

 

Stay Tuned…..More later in the Week.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

I wanted to take a moment in the wake of the national sports media’s “Love Fest” with the Unive$ity of $outhern California Trojan$ to bring some common sense to the College Football Weekend, that was…

Has the National Sports Media gone mad?
Jim Jones and his family drinking the cool-aide made as much sense as anything I have heard over the last 24 hours concerning the “Greatness” of the Southern California Trojans…
But it didn’t stop there either did it?

“The PAC 10 is the “Toughest” Conference in ALL of College Football”

- Craig James and John Saunders “Hosts” of ABC College Football…

EDITORS NOTE: REALLY?  

Baylor 45
Washington State 17

Maryland 35
California 27

Texas Christian University 31
Stanford 14

Brigham Young 59
UCLA 0

Oklahoma 55
Washington 14

New Mexico 36
Arizona 28

UNLV 23
Arizona State 20

 

“Mark Sanchez IS the NUMBER One Heisman Candidate, without question!”

- Kirt Herbstreit, ABC College Football Commentator / Analyst

EDITORS NOTE: Really? After playing only TWO Games?

 

“Folks the Southern California Trojans WILL be in the National Championship Game, the ONLY question that remains, is Who will be their opponent!”

- Brent Musburger, ABC College Football Commentator / Analyst

EDITORS NOTE: Around my house Brent is “Also” known as the syphilitic liver spotted jackass…..
Just in case anyone was wondering….

 

You want to know something interesting about all this hype?

Do you know what “Wasn’t Mentioned” about the Southern California Trojan$ from the time college football coverage began Saturday Morning at nine O’clock A.M. Central Standard Time until after eleven O’clock P.M. Central Standard time….

Not a word…….
Not a mention by a single College Football Commentator or Analyst about the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California.

Not so much as a whisper…….
About an Investigation that COULD result in Reggie Bush losing his Heisman Trophy and the Southern California Trojans forfeiting one National Championship as well over twenty wins from the “Official” NCAA Record books…
After all….
Some Football Programs have been punished far worse with less evidence…..

Soooo something this important wasn’t worth mentioning?
Really?

And…….

Not a comment from a single commentator…
About the “Illegal” recruitment of Joe McKnight by Coach Pete Carroll and New Orlean Saint Reggie Bush..

Why do I say it was “Illegal”?
Because the NCAA said it was….

After Coach Carroll and Reggie Bush denied they called then High School Senior Joe McKnight, then admitted that they did…Then Reggie Didn’t….Then Coach Carroll..”Might have”….

You get the picture….

The NCAA told the Trojans to “knock it off” but ALLOWED the recruitment of McKnight by Carroll and the Trojans anyway…

The Usual punishment by the NCAA for such an offense?
The NCAA will disallow the recruitment of that particular athlete and possibly a loss of scholarships in the future…
Not so for the University of the Second Coming….

These two “little” examples make you think don’t they?
Especially if you are from….

The University of Kentucky
Auburn University
Mississippi State University
The University of Alabama
Clemson University

Just to name a few…..

So while you are drinking the Trojan Cool-aide this morning…
Just remember…..

If you were in the South…..
You would be on probation by now….
Lost scholarships….
Forfeited wins….
NOT being shown on television…
And don’t even thinking about a Bowl Game…for the next four years.
You would be called Cheaters….and worse.

 

But after watching the two or three games that have been completed thus far this season, to include the “BIG GAME” on ABC last night… 
I know three things…

1. Ohio State isn’t that bad…
2. Southern California isn’t that good….
3. There is still a lot of football left to be played…

Enjoy Your Sunday…

RTR
MEB

-

Ladies and Gentlemen -

You didn’t really think I was going to leave you hanging did you?

I would hope not!
I thought we knew one another better than that.

But before we launch into the final installment of Your Week 3 College Football Picks…..
Have I mentioned that last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 52 and 5 or a rather impressive 91%?

Well, did I mention that in the last two weeks I have been 105 and 16 at a rather respectable 87%?

The only reason I mention it (other than openly bragging of course) is because in the flash of an instant….
A missed extra point….here
One dropped pass….there
A single PAC 10 referee….anywhere
AND…..

That rather impressive 91% (and it is impressive; is it not?)
Stop it! You all embarrassing me!
Is a disappointing 19% and leaving me, wishing I was dyslexic…

Enough about me…
That is unless you want to hear MORE about how I got 91% of the games last week after starting out 0 and 2…
O.K….there I was….

Never mind….we don’t have time for this now.
Let’s get to the games…

Enjoy Your Picks!

College Football News and Views

HURRICANE IKE: I don’t know what you still have against Tina, but you need to let this go…
And let my people play football…..

WEST POINT: My Lord…The Black Knights of the Hudson lost to New Hampshire…
I didn’t even know the folks in ‘Hampshire (Pronounced: HAM-shhh-iir) had a football team…
It’s just sad…

MARYLAND: While we are on the subject of Breakdowns”…
Last week the Ninja Turtles lost to Alphabet U….
What have the Fightn Turtles been using for motivation, Slim Whitman albums?

ARKANSAS: The Razorbacks came within a buffalo fart of losing last weeks HOME game to the University of Louisiana “Monroe”….
Coach P, you will be G-O-N-E  if you let that happen one too many times…

ESPN: Last week ESPN’s “Newest” studio talking bobblehead doll David Lloyd, which looks more like a blonde headed troll……
Proclaimed….
“The Oregon State Beavers WILL beat Penn State, because Jo Pa and the Nittany Lions are a team in confusion”…….

Three hours later…
Penn State 45
Oregon State 14

 

Good call dumbass…
Just what we need on ESPN…
More Idiots running their mouths when the network SHOULD be showing us the College Marching Bands at halftime….

 

ESPN II: It is my belief that if Pam Ward’s voice was broadcast in Iraq and Afghanistan the fighting in those areas would stop….
Why?
Because they would be afraid if they didn’t stop fighting..
We would turn up the volume…

 

EMAIL Questions And Answers

Q: Mike, why do you ridicule the Oregon Duck Mascot?
Chad - Eugene, Oregon
A: Simple Chad; If Liberace had a Dream….
It would be about the Oregon Duck Mascot…
Clear that one up for you?

Q: Dear Sir; I am OUTRAGED by the email earlier this week from the “teacher” in California!
Everone knows that Abraham Lincoln freed the Aztecs, Eskimos and African Americans immediately after white southerners bombed Pearl Harbor and Davy Crockett and the U.S. 7th Cavalry sank the Titanic…
The Folks in California Need to Get their History straight!
Phillis - Albany, New York
A: I just LOVE modern History….

Q: I know you can’t say nothing, being at Leavenworth and all.
But are you training for some of that Gorilla warfare?
Stanley - Ringgold, Georgia
A: I want to go on the record:
No, I will not be wrestling or otherwise fighting my sister-in-law.
That is what you meant, right?

 

THE GAMES

Saturday, September 13th

Louisiana Lafayette at Illinois
Ole Lafayette might have been big cheese in the War of 1776…
But these are the Fighting Pumpkins!
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 33-14

EDITORS NOTE: Please no emails this week from “enlightened” educators on how Fighting Pumpkins led by General Lafayette defeated the Klingon’s at the Battle of the Bulge..
Thank you…

Southern Illinois at Northwestern
There are a lot directions in this one….
This game is a Rand McNally Dream…
WILDCATS 28-23

California at Maryland
I cannot believe I am doing this…
BEARS 34-17

Florida Atlantic at Michigan State
I am trying to be more “Culturally Sensitive” so instead of watching this game I am going to watch a program about “Ramadan Andy”…
Kind of like the Muslim version of Santa Claus or Hanukka Harry…
Never Mind…
SPARTANS 38-17

Montana State at Minnesota
Have I not told you that everything in Boseman Sucks?
That goes for the Bobcats too….
O’ SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-23

Navy at Duke
People Can’t you see?
If the Blue Devils win this game…

Then the Terrorist win!
MIDSHIPMEN 24-21

North Carolina State at Clemson
Have no fear my beloved Clemson Family…
The Big Cats are Hungry….
TOMMY’S TIGERS 34-14

Temple at Buffalo
Even I cannot believe that I am actually picking Temple…
HELL HAS FROZEN OVER 23-17

Iowa State at Iowa
Anytime I see “Iowa” something…
I always think of…
My Favorite line from a movie…
“IS this Heaven?”

“Yes, but we like to call it Tuscaloosa…”

EYE of the HAWK 33-23

EDITORS NOTE: The above is NOT to be confused with “Eye of the Tiger”

Nevada at Missouri
Believe me….
MO Knows Football…
MO’s TIGERS 43-10

UAB at Tennessee
Coach Phil finally beats a team from Alabama….
Film at Eleven…
VOWELS 34-10

East Carolina at Tulane
What has the world come to when I am picking Lou “Gobble-Gobble” Holtz’s son…
PIRATES 28-17

Georgia at South Carolina
The Gamecocks can’t keep their players out of trouble…
Or the Bulldogs out of the endzone….
BIG BAD DAWGS 33-14

EDITORS NOTE: We all know that John Saunders from ABC College Sports hates anything associated with the South….
So this one is for his dumbass..
HOW BOUT THEM BAD ASS DAWGS!!!!!!!!

 
UCLA at Brigham Young
I would love to watch this but David Hasselhoff is wrestling an Anteater on “America’s Got Talent”
I have my priorities….
BRUINS 31-28

 
Oregon at Purdue
This game will be known more for the two most disturbing mascots in all of College Football than the actual contest…
And for good reason…
QUACKS 3-2

Penn State at Syracuse
The “Orange” will get Juiced….
Believe it….
JO PA’S LIONS 38-13

Michigan at Notre Dame
Dear God….
Can’t they “Both” Lose?
FIGHTING IRISH 24-21

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
If the Hokies want to beat the 2 and 0 Yellow Jackets they better get that Big Wang on the Field.
HOKIES 23-20

EDITORS NOTE: You are probably asking yourself…”Is he that easily amused over “Wang” Jokes?
The answer is, “yes” I am…

Chattanooga at Florida State
What’s wrong Bobby?
The Fort Myers Shuffleboard League not available?
SEMINOLES 43-0

Hawaii at Oregon State
I think I speak for all of us when I say…
Thank Goodness “Dog The Bounty Hunter” is back on the air…
BEAVERS 33-28

Auburn at Mississippi State
A Good Ole fashioned Fight Between Cats and Dogs…
This one could go either way…..
TOMMY’s TIGERS 21-17

Southern Methodist at Texas Tech
My Once Proud Ponies will be beaten like rented Mules in this one…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 43-17

Western Kentucky at Alabama
Sweet Home Alabama…..
ROLL TIDE ROLL 34-16

MTSU at Kentucky
I was just thinking about him this morning…
I know this isn’t his sport…
But this one is for “Mr. Wildcat”…
WILDCATS 31-17

Juniata at Susquehanna
Sorry, this segment is for my other Blog…
“When Mexican Girls Attack”..
But if I was betting I would take Juniata…
That girl is tough…

Rensselaer at Endicott College
What is wrong with me today?
As you can see, this entry of fungus and warts belong in my medical blog..
“Turn your head and Cough with Dr.Mike”
Sorry….

Samford at Mississippi
I never knew Fred Samford had a college?
There must be alot of money in that ole Junk…
I wonder if Lamont is the President?
Never mind….
REBELS 43-10

New Mexico State at Nebraska
The Children of the Corn will be very happy…
HUSKERS 43-17

EDITORS NOTE: I like the Aggies but cannot support the change in mascot to Lasso Larry…
Give Pete back his six guns for Gods Sake!
Before you ask…No I will not give that up…

Rice at Vanderbilt
Will the Commodores start the season at 3 and 0?
They damn sure will….
COMMODORES 31-17

Memphis at Marshall
Everbody knows I like Elvis…
But have you seen “We are Marshall”?
Enough said….
THUNDERING HERD 28-24

Iona at Wagner
I cannot believe that Vacuum Cleaner College has a football team..
They must really suck…
OLE IONA 28-24

Southern Miss at Arkansas State
I Love those folks from H-Burg…
And that is good enough for me…
GOLDEN EAGLES 27-24

Alabama A&M at Louisiana Monroe
The Bulldogs cannot stand up to the power of the War Hawk…
Trust me…
I am a believer..
WAR HAWKS 38-10

Stanford at Texas Christian
If IKE doesn’t screw this game up…
It will be a dandy for three quarters…
HORNED FROGS 24-17

Alcorn State at Troy
A school named for a nut cannot and should not beat the men of Troy…
MEN of TROY 23-14

Missouri State at Oklahoma State
This game will be like a John Wayne Movie…
Nothing but..
COWBOYS 33-10

Virginia at Connecticut
I wish I cared…But I don’t.
HUSKIES 6-3

Oklahoma at Washington
If you have children…
DO not let them watch this game..
It will be ugly…
BOOMER SOONER 43-10

North Texas at LSU
I have a portion of the personal Diary of the North Texas Head Coach…
“Dear Diary…
Can’t this game be postponed?
I would much prefer to take my butt whipping later…
When the Tigers are tired and maybe looking ahead to an SEC opponent..
Can you help me Diary?”
Noooooo….
Time for your ass whipping….
FIGHTN TIGERS 44-10

Utah at Utah State
I think in this case it is appropriate to quote the two most famous residents of Utah.
In the words of Donny and Marie….
“I am a little bit country….and a little bit Rock and Roll..”

This really didn’t have anything to do with the pick..
I just thought it was funny….
TWO UTES 38-21

Bowling Green at Boise State
This game is going to be uglier than dollar beer night at the Bowling Alley…
BRONCOS 44-14

Arizona at New Mexico
The Best game on television at three o’clock in the morning eastern time…
That is unless you have the full cable package…
WILDCATS 24-21

UNLV at Arizona State
The Devils from the Land of the Sun will dominate…
It’s true…..
SUN DEVILS 37-10

Wisconsin at Fresno State
Behold the mighty power of the Cheese….
To include any and all cheese like snacks…
BADGERS 34-10

Ohio State at Southern California
The Game of the Week…
You might think I am crazy…
But that’s what they said about Ted Bundy and the Wright Brothers…
THE MIGHTY BUCKEYES 31-24

Believe it….

Enjoy Your Games!

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Due to reasons beyond my control your Weekly College Football Picks will be in two installments this week.

No need to worry by friends….
The remainder of your picks will be out later…

Plus, it just adds to the overall excitement of the weekend, don’t you think?

Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the weekend at 52 and 5, which isn’t to bad considering I started 0 and 2.

For anyone just joining us: 52 and 5 is an eye opening 91% and for the two weeks of the College Football Season we are 105 and 16 or a “Not too Bad” 87%.

I could talk about “Me” and last Week’s 91% all day long…
But we have a few games to talk about today…

Enjoy your Picks!

 

THE GAMES

Thursday September 11th

North Carolina at Rutgers
The Only way the Scarlett Knights will win this game is if the Soprano’s are involved in the Pre-Game warmups…
Forget About it…
TAR HEELS 23-17

Friday September 12th

Carson Newman at Bentley
Do those people in Massachusetts really think they are better than us because they named their college after an over-priced car?
Well, they aren’t.
And just for the record…
THEY Better not EVER play the Chevy Vega College in Georgia…
They will most certainly get their smart ass kicked…
Sorry…I digress
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Kansas at South Florida
This game is a tough one….
On one hand I believe South Florida is going to sneak by the Hawks of Jay by say…24-22.
But Coach Mark Mangino IS the third largest Mammal I have ever seen walking upright…
Behind Wynonna Judd and Phat Phil Fulmer…
HAWKS that JAY 31-24

 

More later…Stay Tuned.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

If you are just joining us…..
This is the segment were we review the games from the past week and look at College Football team news and answer some of your Email Questions.

In other words, what did we learn from the games last weekend?

Let me tell you what I learned last week….
On a personal note: Since I am neither Joe Namath or Justin Wilson, I should have known better that to EVER guarantee ( Pronounced: Gar-on-Tee) anything, much less a Football Game.

So, for the Beautiful Miss Susan, who I guaranteed (Pronounced: Gar-on-Teed) that the South Carolina Gamecocks would beat the Vanderbilt Commodores….I am truly sorry.

Also I learned this weekend that the old Television Program “T.J. Hooker” is a police drama; not a story about prostitution.
Who Knew?

Well now that I have finished my evening meal of Crow….

Let’s take a look at this week’s Monday Morning Quarterback…

 

SATURDAY QUOTES

” I will say it now: The Georgia Bulldogs WILL be upset by Central Michigan today!”

- ABC College Football Studio “Host” John Saunders picking Central Michigan over Georgia before the Bulldogs defeated the Eagles 56 to 17.

EDITORS NOTE: It’s nice to know John is as good at picking games as he is at being “unbiased” towards the South….I almost forgot!
Hey John! HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

 

“Let’s face it, were playing a football team..But we’ve still got to feed them baby food. They’re not ready for steak yet.”

-Coach Bobby Bowden of Florida State describing how the Seminoles “need” to play one or two more “tune-ups” before they get into the “regular” season.

EDITORS NOTE: A MAJOR Division I Football Coach that gets paid MILLIONS of DOLLARS to COACH in the Atlantic Coast Conference and he wants MORE CUPCAKES on the schedule?
Now I see how he got “all” those wins….
Hey Coach Maybe Ole Gordon Junior College is still available!

WEEKLY FOOTBALL FACT

Did you know that the Vanderbilt Commodores have a better record than the following teams?

Michigan
Miami (Both Ohio and Florida)
Washington
Washington State
Mississippi
Texas A&M
Southern California
Notre Dame
Southern Miss
Michigan State
South Carolina
Mississippi State
Florida State
Tennessee
Louisville
Oregon State
Clemson
Virginia Tech
Virginia
West Virginia

Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

TEAM NEWS

NCAA: Yeah, “GREAT” move on the celebration penalties!
If you are SO Concerned about “Bad Sportsmanship” and Celebrations, then why don’t you have the SAME rules for College Basketball?

EDITORS NOTE: Why don’t you damn people look at something IMPORTANT?
Like the Reggie Bush, Southern California Trojan Investigation!
Shouldn’t SOMEBODY be on PROBATION by NOW?

WASHINGTON: I bet you all feel like Jodie Foster in “The Accused”.

FLORIDA: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

OHIO STATE: No need for panic…
The Mighty Buckeyes WILL be ready this week.

WEST POINT: Do you know why terrorist think they can kick our ass?
Because they watch you knuckleheads play football!

WEST VIRGINIA: There is some good news here…
There wasn’t a single fire reported in Morgantown on Saturday night…

EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on when Moutaineer Quarterback Pat White will question the East Carolina Pirates football program for the lack of participation by Pacific-Islanders, Scots-Irish, or Italian Americans.
Keep Hope Alive Pat…

EAST CAROLINA: The Pirates are either Giant Killers or Devil Worshipers…
You all don’t own any Old KISS Albums, do you?
Just wondering….

NAVY: Bad enough you have a Goat for a mascot, but can’t you find a quarterback with a last name that will fit on the back of a football jersey?
Have you all seen the current Navy Quarterback’s Name?
Q’UALLITERRIN-IMATINAREG-TTIMAOOPER-YEPPYZITTER-IEACCNOTTERRT

EDITORS NOTE: I think he is either Hawaiian or Polish…..

TEMPLE: The Owls were a field goal away from TWO wins in a row!
And you know what that means?
I am moving into that abandoned Missile Silo and wait out Armageddon..

ESPN: Is it too much to ask to see the College Marching Bands at Halftime?
Another halftime with Mark “Milk Dud Head” May and Coach Lou and my head will explode..

ESPN II: I would rather listen to Sea Lions breaking wind underwater for three hours than listen to Pam Ward “announce” another football game…ever.

HURRICANE IKE: I don’t know which “Tina” out there is making IKE mad, but you need to stop it!

 

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, what is with naming the Iowa football team the “Hawkeyes”?
Is naming a football team after an animal body part something new?
Jerry - Jefferson City, Missouri
A: This is nothing new Jerry.
For example, Tennessee decided to go with “Volunteers” because they felt “Possum Rectums” was to hard for the fans to spell…….
Also, the University didn’t want the fans producing “Cook Books” on how to prepare their mascot….
Which would be in bad taste…
No Pun Intended.

Q: I am really worried about the Buckeyes Offensive Line, do you have any ideas on how to shore up the line before this weeks game with the Trojans?
Thanks!
Tommy - Columbus, Ohio
A: I would suggest recruiting Wynonna Judd; she still has a couple of years of eligibility and she is bigger than a damn Oldsmobile…

Q: You are always talking about how great everything is in the South!!!!
Have you ever seen the Southern California Trojan Cheerleaders?
There isn’t anything to compare to them!
J.J. - Culver City, California
A: Yeah J.J….I remember when I hit puberty….
However….I KNOW for a FACT that the Goilden Girls from LSU and the Alabama Crimson Tide Cheerleaders have always had the power to cure the sick and raise the dead….
Enough said….

Q: Mike, as a High School Teacher in Southern California, I can tell you that your characterization of the Aztec’s last weekend was inaccurate and insulting.
The Aztec’s “may” have resorted to human sacrifice, but only after being driven to that despicable act by American Males who killed their Penguins, started the Vietnam War and began the terrible tradition of leaving toilet seats up all around the world.
Ms Davis - Marshall - Johnson - Diaz - Los Angeles, California
A: I think you forgot to mention how we enslaved the Panda’s, melted the Polar Ice caps and killed all the unicorns….

I understand Hootie Snitch, the Self Proclaimed “Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!” will have an update for you this week to address the recent Tennessee Loss and other news…

Your Week 3 College Football Picks will be out later in the week….

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Not a bad first week for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.
Some of my loyal readers have called it a “nearly perfect” weekend for me.
Close…..

Tennessee Lost and Alabama Won; the only thing that would have made it better would have been a Loss by the U$C Trojans and a win by the Clemson Tigers.
That being said, I finished the week at 53 and 11 or 83%.
Not a bad first week if I say so myself.

There is a lot to talk about and Your Weekly College Football Picks are Out!
So Let’s get to it.

Enjoy Your Picks!

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

HURRICANES: I am thankful that Gustav didn’t hurt my friends and family along the Gulf Coast and I don’t believe Hanna will do much more than bring some much needed rain to my Family in Carolina.
But if your name is “Tina” and you live in the path of Hurricane Ike….Run Like Hell!

TEXAS A&M: Any of you Aggies want R. C. Slocum’s phone number?
I have it right here, if you need it….

TENNESSEE: Those were some really “nice” Orange Sherbert pants you all were wearing for the game in California…Seriously, they didn’t look Gay at All…totally Heterosexual looking; really.

CLEMSON: Stop reading your press clippings on how “Great” you all are and start playing some damn football.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: See “Clemson” Above…. 

OREGON STATE: A Beaver is NOT Suppose to LOSE to a team with a Tree for a mascot..
It’s against the laws of nature!

HAWAII: Despite being blown out by two Southeastern Conference Teams in a row, there is some good news! Dog the Bounty Hunter is back on the A&E Channel every Wednesday Night.

VIRGINIA TECH: As I stated earlier in the week; I believe Hokie Tight End Ed Wang at 6-6 275 pounds to be the largest Wang ever seen in a Hokie uniform.
And before you start emailing me….
I know…
Television adds weight to person…
But that is still a big Wang…

KENTUCKY: You beat Louisville with a quarterback that wasn’t even a quarterback until last week.
Sorry I doubted you BIG BLUE…I won’t make that mistake again.

ESPN: Did anybody see one time Florida Quarterback and current ESPN “commentator” Jesse Palmer last Thursday Night?
Nice “Clip-on” tie…..real classy.

ESPN II: Plenty of “Love” for the Southern California Trojans in all the pre-game chit-chat, but no mention of the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and the Trojans….I wonder why?
Scared?

ESPN III: The “Sports Network” reported on Saturday that Jo Pa had tied Bobby Bowden with 373 wins after the Lions win over Coastal Carolina.
WRONG…..
Jo Pa has ALWAYS been at Penn State…
Through EVERY win and the occassional loss….

On the other Hand, Bobby Bowden coached “against” Gordon Junior College in the Golden Isle Bowl…
You see Bobby hasn’t ALWAYS Coached a Division I College Football Team…
But, it hasn’t stopped him from counting those wins in his total.

Jo Pa is the winningest Coach in Division I College Football - Period.
Glad I cleared that up for everybody.

THE GAMES

Thursday September 4th

North Alabama at Carson Newman
This game is between two giants of College Football…
Normally I would go with the Lions in this contest..
But I have a feeling…
SPARKS EAGLES 28-24

Nicholls State at New Mexico State
This game may be delayed due to Hurricane Gustav..
Doesn’t Matter…
AGGIES 33-13

Vanderbilt at South Carolina
Susan….You can take this one to the bank.
GAMECOCKS 27-14

Friday September 5th

Navy at Ball State
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!
CARDINALS 31-28

EDITORS NOTE: Did I mentioned that David Letterman went to school at Ball State?

Saturday September 6th

Ohio at Ohio State
Sorry Coach Frank….this going to be really ugly.  
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Marshall at Wisconsin
The Thundering Herd will keep this one close…for a while.
THE POWER OF CHEESE 38-23

Eastern Illinois at Illinois
I miss the Illinois mascot Chief Illiniwek…
Because if someone with a lisp says it, they spit on themselves.
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 44-17

Georgia Tech at Boston College
I would pull for the Yellow Jackets in this one….
But I just can’t…It’s against my religion.
EAGLES 28-24

Eastern Michigan at Michigan State
Nothing but Green and White in this one…
SPARTANS 34-14

Miami (Ohio) at Michigan
Enjoy this game Wolverine Fans…
You won’t enjoy another win for several weeks…
WOLVERINES 31-17

Connecticut at Temple
If Temple wins this game it’s another sign of the coming Apocalypse…
The First Sign?
The “New Kids on the Block” Reunion…
They are the Anti-Christ…
HUSKIES 33-24 

Florida International at Iowa
What’s so “International” about this University?
It kind of sounds like “Phoenix Online” with a marching band.
HAWKEYES 34-21

Southern Miss at Auburn
The Golden Eagles in the rear view mirror are closer than they appear…
WAR EAGLES 23-17

San Jose State at Nebraska
I don’t know much of anything..
But I do know that Jose is going to get a Nebraska Ass Whopping…
HUSKERS 43-20

Furman at Virginia Tech
Furry Man?
Sounds like where Chewbacca went to school…
Or My Sister-in-Law…
HOKIES 27-17

Brigham Young at Washington
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!
The Cougars will take down the once mighty Huskies….
Believe it…
COUGARS 31-24

Central Michigan at Georgia
How BOUT them BIG Bad DAWGS!!!!!
UGA VII 34-14 

Cincinnati at Oklahoma
If the Boomer Sooner runs around the stadium after every touchdown…
They are going to need some more ponies…
MIGHTY SOONERS 48-17

The Citadel at Clemson
The Tigers are Mad as Hell….
and that is really bad news for the Bulldogs…
TOMMY’S TIGERS 38-10

Utah State at Oregon
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game…
QUACKS 3-2

Oregon State at Penn State
The Beavers will not be very Happy in Happy Valley….
There are few things as sad as an unhappy beaver…it’s true.
JO PA’S LIONS 33-28

Mississippi at Wake Forest
Sometimes you feel like a Nutt; this week I don’t.
DEMON DEACONS 27-24

Sacramento State at Colorado State
Gosh I wish I cared, I really do.
But I don’t….
RAMS 34-13

Eastern Washington at Colorado
Great NEWS!
My Sister-In-Law will be running out onto the Field as Ralphie the Colorado mascot!!
Do you know what that means?
She has worked two weeks in a row!
BUFFALOS 38-10

San Diego State at Notre Dame
Did you know that ancient Aztec indians used to sacrifice human beings to satisfy the Gods and ensure good luck?
You know what is strange about that?
Because that’s exactly what the Notre Dame Administration is going to do to Coach Charlie if he doesn’t win this game…
FIGHTING IRISH 33-13

Tennessee Tech at Louisville
If the Cardinals lose this game their Coaches will have to go into the Witness Protection Program..
CARDINALS 43-17

Richmond at Virginia
I wish I could pull for Richmond in this one….
But I know the capitol fell to the yankees and the arabs quite a few years ago..
CAVALIERS 31-28

West Virginia at East Carolina
A “New Kids on the Block” Reunion and Temple wins…
All we need now is Skip Holtz to win two weeks in a row and it’s Armageddon.
MOUNTAINEERS 31-17

Texas A&M at New Mexico
Seriously, I really do have R. C. Slocum’s phone number if any Aggies want it…
GIG EM AGGIES 23-21

Buffalo at Pittsburgh
Monkeys are cleaning themselves on the Animal Planet or I would watch this one, really…
PANTHERS 7-6

Western Carolina at Florida State
Nothing says Football Time In Tallahassee, like seeing Coach Bobby in his colored wielding goggles and Viet Cong Hat on the sidelines….
Ahhhh Good Times…..
SEMINOLES 33-10

Norfolk State at Kentucky
I will not doubt the Awesome Power of BLUE Again…
WILDCATS 38-10

William and Mary at North Carolina State
Bill and Mary must be liquored up to schedule this game…
WOLFPACK 27-17

California at Washington State
I would watch this game but, this is the time I have set aside to rearrange my sock drawer.
BEARS 6-3

Southeast Missouri State at Missouri
MO Knows football….
I am just not sure that the Rand McNally MO knows…
MO’S TIGERS 48-10

Louisiana Tech at Kansas
The Bulldogs will keep it close for two quarters….
JAYHAWKS 33-24

South Florida at Central Florida
The Golden Knights are going down…
And that’s No Bull…
BULLS 27-17 

Tulane at Alabama
Even Green Waves will not stop the High Tide….
CRIMSON TIDE 34-14

Kent State at Iowa State
Many of you may not know, but I am on a number of anti-war protestors websites and blogs because of what I have said about Kent State being “The Home of Anti-War Protestors and National Guard Bullet Traps…”
I am so proud of the fact that they hate me…
CYCLONES 31-17

Murray State at Indiana
I wish the Hoosiers would rename their team the “Homers”…
If you saw someone in an Indiana sweatshirt you could ask them if they were Homer-Sexual…
I would never get tired of that…
HOMERS 27-10

Northwestern at Duke
I have a philosophical question for you all….
What if they had a football game and nobody came?
Which just basically described every season of Duke Football for the last twenty years…
WILDCATS 3-2

Northwestern State at Baylor
I always try to pick one game a year that I know (Or hope) Baylor will win…
This is that game…
BEARS 24-10

Tulsa at North Texas
I really don’t want to know what is “So Golden” about their Hurricanes…
It just sounds sooo nasty.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 34-17

Southeastern Louisiana at Mississippi State
Lions from Hammond get treed by angry Bulldogs; Film at Eleven….
CROOM’S BULLDOGS 31-13

Maryland at Middle Tennessee
Are you going to question the power of the Ninja Turtles?
Shame on you….
FIGHTN TURTLES 24-17

Arkansas at Louisiana Monroe
Monroe is on the tail end of his “Southeastern Conference Beat My Ass and Pay Me” Tour…
RAZORBACKS 28-13

Stephen F. Austin at Texas Christian
A University named after a Hero of Texas…
The Other is Home to Bob Lilly and the Mighty Horned Frogs…
This is a tough call….
HORNED FROGS 24-10 

Houston at Oklahoma State
Cats can’t take the Cowboys in Stillwater…
It’s a rule…
COWBOY UP! 31-23

Montana State at Kansas State
My buddy says everything from Bozeman Sucks…including the damn Bobcats.
I love those Grizzly Fans..
WILDCATS 43-10

Minnesota at Bowling Green
Damn those Golden Gophers…with their Golden Fleece Butt Fur…
I forgot were I was going with this one..
Sorry…
O SOOOO GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-23

Miami (FL) at Florida
The Folks in Miami have Hurricanes…
But the Folks in Gainesville have Superman…
MIGHTY GATORS 24-14

Troy at LSU
I always liked Troy…
But he is in for a Cajun Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10
EDITORS NOTE: Due to Hurricane Damage this game is postponed until November..Then Troy gets his ass whipped.

Rice at Memphis
Which is it going to be?
The King of Rock and Roll…
Or My Favorite Pudding?
Bill Cosby it is….
RICE PUDDING 31-27

Texas State at Southern Methodist
Saturday Night…
In Big D…
Owenby Field…

EDITORS NOTE: I KNOW it’s Ford this and that NOW…But it’s still Owenby Field to ME!

MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-17

Texas Tech at Nevada
Get Those Guns UP! 
RED RAIDERS 43-24 

Stanford at Arizona State
If “Tree” wins this game…then the Terrorists win.
Think about it…
SUN DEVILS 24-20

Toledo at Arizona
There is a T.J. Hooker Marathon on Tv Land or I would watch this one..
WILDCATS 6-3

Texas at UTEP
The Mighty Longhorns will dispatch with Alphabet Soup U….
Before you can sing, “The Eyes of Texas are Upon You..”
LONGHORNS 38-17

Weber State at Hawaii
I didn’t know the Company that makes those BBQ Grills had it’s own college?
WARRIORS BALLROOM DANCING ON RAINBOWS 43-0

 

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Despite the fact we still have a game or two this evening, it’s time to take a look back at the memorable and the “not-so”-memorable events and games of the first weekend of College Football.
But before we get into college football….

I hope my friends and family along the Gulf Coast have stayed hunkered down during Hurricane Gustav and that they and all their pets are doing well.
You all know who you are so don’t think I am going to take up valuable space here with names..
Love you all - Stay Safe.

 

SATURDAY QUOTES

“This is the FIRST Real pressure situation for Mark Sanchez as a Trojan”
- ESPN Commentator Mark “Milk Dud Head” May on $outhern Cal Trojan Quarterback Mark Sanchez’s start against Virginia.

EDITORS NOTE: Really? Even “more” pressure than when he was arrested for “Rape” a couple of years ago? More pressure than that?  Wow…..
You all do remember that right?
By the way..Who paid for the 250K Bail?
Just wondering…..

“We have worked too hard this year not to be successful.”
- ESPN Sideline ”Reporter” Jeannie Edwards quoting Coach Rich Rod of Michigan on “Why the Wolverines will defeat Utah.”

EDITORS NOTE: Yeah Coach…NOBODY else worked hard this off-season but you.
Except maybe Utah…..Dumbass.

“Gobble…Gobble….Gobble..(Spit) Gobble!!! Gobble!! SQUAWK! SQUAWK!!!!! (Spit)”
- Coach Lou Holtz on ESPN’s painful halftime segment entitled “Ask Dr. Lou”

EDITORS NOTE: For the Love of God….someone stop Lou Holtz from trying to speak.

 

TEAM NEWS

WEST POINT: You all got the living hell beat out of you by Temple….as in TEMPLE.
I really don’t know what else to say…

PITTSBURGH: See above and substitute “Bowling Green” for “Temple”….Idiots.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Hokies lost to a Skip Holtz Coached team.
The Only thing worse than that? See West Point Above…

HAWAII: That whole “We are Better than the Southeastern Conference” trash talk seems kind of funny now after playing two teams in the Conference and getting beat 143 to 13, doesn’t it?
I thought so….

DUKE: This past Saturday a ten person sky diving team intended for the University of North Carolina’s pre-game activities ”missed” and landed in Blue Devil stadium while the teams were warming up.
No one was hurt and due in large part to the unintended landing, the Blue Devils claimed ten more people in attendance than last years opening home game.

EDITORS NOTE: If you guessed that the Duke Blue Devils had over twenty people in attendance for their first home game, you would be correct. Which is just sad.

SOUTHERN METHODIST: Friday Night my Mighty Mustangs were playing more like Shetland Ponies at the Carnival….

GEORGIA: This past Saturday in pregame festivities the University of Georgia welcomed UGA VII as the new Bulldog Mascot. UGA VII is the son of UGA VI and although not as handsome as his daddy, I am betting he will be a damn good Dawg.

VIRGINIA TECH: (Part II) One bright spot on the Virginia Tech Hokie loss this past Saturday was some outstanding play by a freshman Tight End.
Freshman Ed Wang is 6-6 and 275 pounds and appears to have a bright future in Blacksburg.
They say that he is the Biggest Wang in his family.
What?
What did I say?

EDITORS NOTE: There is a lesson to be learned here folks -
“Just because you have a big Wang doesn’t mean you always get to win.”

 

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: I cannot believe that we lost to a team called the Utes!
Can it get any worse for the Wolverines? Really?
Thomas - Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: You mean other than getting beat by a bunch of Donny and Marie Fans?
I think the worse part for me was watching Coach Rod’s “Hooker Look-a-Like” Wife on the ”Stripper Pole” at Mid-Field while the Wolverine Band played “Hey Big Spender”.
Welcome to the “New” Maze and Blue Halftime Show…..

Q: I read last week that you are in Leavenworth! I don’t even care what you done, I think that is awesome! Hey Man, Is there anyway you could get me Michael Vicks autograph?
Thanks Man!
Jimbo - Carthage, Tennessee
A: You were called “Special” in school? Right, Jimbo?

Q: Greetings! My name is Dusty and I am part of what I believe is the first and only Conch Shell Barbershop quartet in America! We are called Conchelicious!
We perform such favorites as “How Dry I am” and “Workin on the Railroad,” But instead of singing those classics….the four of us play the notes on Conch Shells!
People Love it!
Last week we performed at the Beautiful Life Assisted Living Center and they went nuts!
There may have been a bra thrown our way, we’re not really sure what it was, but it had lace on it.
Anyway, my question is this…
Do you think there is ANYWAY that Conchelicious could play the National Anthem at a Georgia Tech Home game this year?
Just give it to us straight…
Dusty and the Boys - Atlanta, Georgia
A: I think you boys would be perfect for Georgia Tech….
Go for it.

Q: Mike, I have a question that I hope you can help me with.
I recently bought this lawnmower that says it’s “Worry Free”.
Yet I STILL worry ALL the time, about all kinds of things, like whether sippy cups are really safe, the GNP of Liechtenstein and the number 81.
My question is this, should I take the lawnmower back? I am STILL worrying!
Does this mean the lawnmower is defective?
Thanks!
Chip - La Jolla, California
A: I am not saying that “I wish the BIG Earthquake would hit southern California”…..ALL I am saying is……….

Your College Football Picks for Week 2 will be out later in the Week…
Have a Great Week…

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Now that you have your College Football Picks for Week 1 and a little Sunday Morning Motivation, let’s take a look at some news from around the college football landscape before we kickoff this week.

More Updates to follow as we get closer to kickoff.

Enjoy your week!

TEAM NEWS & NOTES

NCAA: So, are we suppose to believe that your investigators still can’t find the house where Reggie Bush’s momma and step-daddy lived? How long has it taken them? Four years?

Let’s be honest, if U$C was in the SEC they would have already gotten the Death Penalty.

EDITORS NOTE: That kind of rhymed, didn’t it?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Shouldn’t you all be on some kind of probation by now?
Just wondering….

Oh yeah, How’s that whole pink thong, jock itch thing working out for you?

ATLANTA JOURNAL (AJC): This past week in the Atlanta Constitution Journal (AJC) a gibbering idiot posing as a “sportswriter” ranked the “Most Obnoxious Fans in the Southeastern Conference”.

He ranked Tennessee fans, at the bottom of the list, because as he stated; “I went to school there and I think they are awesome.”

Where do you think the term “OBKnoxville came from jackass?”

In the Holy Name of Lewis Grizzard what has happened to that once fine paper?

LOU HOLTZ: Since I last broke the news that Lou Holtz would be playing the role of “Granny Clampett” in the upcoming Beverly Hillbillies movie; I want to assure you all that there is no truth to the rumor that the theme or portions of the classic theme from the Beverly Hillbillies will be changed to, “up from the ground came a gobbling Lou…”

NEW MEXICO: This past week the NCAA placed the Lobo football program on three years probation and cut five scholarships for academic violations involving two former assistant coaches.

EDITORS NOTE: SOoooo if the NCAA can police little ole New Mexico, where is the BIG Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California?
Just in case any of you were wondering: No, I will not let this go.

AUBURN: (AP News) The Auburn University campus was evacuated just before noon last Friday, when the university president learned that Russia had invaded Georgia.
According to a university spokesperson, the president ordered the evacuation because he was concerned “that Auburn could be next.”
Updates to Follow….

GEORGIA TECH: On a Postive Note, the Russian invasion into Georgia has had a postive impact in the quality of cheerleaders at Georgia Tech.
They no longer look like a breed of genetically enhanced swine.
The Cheerleaders are now more Yak-like in appearance.

 

EMAIL QUESTONS and ANSWERS

Q: Mike, I have a question for you. Why isn’t Florida State playing this weekend? I have asked several of my fellow Seminole Fans and they don’t have an answer either, do you know?
Thanks!
Ken - Destin, Florida
A: The Seminoles were forced to “re-arrange” their schedule a month ago when Coach Bobby hid under his bed and said he wouldn’t come out until the “Cuban Missile Crisis” was over…

Q: Mike, I gather from the fact you are still able to write your column that you haven’t left on your “Big Trip” yet. So, where are you now?
Dave - Little Rock, Arkansas
A: I am sorry to say my High School Annual was right; When I was voted….
“Most Likely to end up at Leavenworth”…

Q: My question doesn’t involve football but I need some help.
My husband and I just moved to the Florida Gulf Coast from New Jersey (He loves your column by the way) and I would like to know in the event of a tropical storm or hurricane, when should we evacuate?
Marsha - Tampa, Florida
A: There is one thing to remember Marsha: If you see Jim Cantore it’s TOO Late.
Because as we all know, he is the Angel of Death.

Q: Help! My son is showing signs of anti-social behavior and is beginning to exhibit signs that he is becoming a Tennessee Fan! I don’t know what to do! Can you please help?
Steve - Baton Rouge, Louisiana
A: I have compiled a list of a few books that I hope will help with your situation.
“Understanding Mental Retardation” by Patricia Ainsworth
“Primer for Parents of Slow Children” by Jackie Wright
“Forced Exit: The Slippery Slope from Assisted Suicide to Legalized Murder” by Wesley J. Smith

Q: YOU are always bashing the Trojans of Southern Cal and frankly I am sick of it!
Who do you think you are? Really? Just WHO do you think you ARE?
Chad- Costa Mesa, California
A: Some people call me the Space Cowboy
Some call me the gangster of love…
Some people call me Maurice….
Cause I speak of the pompitious of love..

EDITORS NOTE: I want to thank Steve Miller for the above answer.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

In College Football there are many traditions associated with various teams.

But there are few things more motivating than the entrance of the Home Team Coming onto the Field in front of a capacity crowd.

At Clemson, the Tigers touch “Howards Rock” and run down the ramp onto the Field….It will make your Goose Bumps get Goose Bumps…

At THE Ohio State University, there is the Dotting of the “I” in Ohio by the Best Damn Band in the Land…I still get tears in my eyes seeing Woody out there….

In Norman Oklahoma the “Boomer Sooner” dashes onto the Field at 100 miles an hour…

At Florida State the staff and trainers beg Coach Bobby to come out to the field after convincing him that the “Indian on the Horse” isn’t there to scalp him.

There are many such traditions….

But this Sunday Morning…
I have for you a night game in Blacksburg Virginia…
Home to the Hokies….
Enter the Sandman……

Enjoy…..

 

 The rest of your College Football Update will be this afternoon….

Four More days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It’s time for the kickoff of the 2008 College Football Season and your favorite College Football Prognosticator has the answers to the questions you so desperately seek.

Will the Duke Blue Devils have more than a dozen fans at home football games this season?
ANSWER: No, they will not.

Is the theme from “Deliverance” the “official” Fight Song of the University of Tennessee?
ANSWER: Yes…..complete with a shoeless boy and his banjo.

Does Notre Dame have an “outside” shot at the National Championship this year?
ANSWER: They have the same chance of winning the National Championship as the boys from Menudo do of having a reunion tour.

Will some fans be in need of a liver transplant by the end of the season?
ANSWER: Yes, I just hope this year it’s not me….(again)

So, have no fear my friends.
I am here to guide you through the many cheers and tears of the 2008 College Football Season.

Enjoy Your Picks!

THE GAMES

Thursday, August 28th

Northeastern at Ball State
Hey! David Letterman went to Ball State!
In case you were wondering…
That is still no reason to care about this game.
CARDINALS 33-14

Eastern Illinois at Central Michigan
I don’t care what anybody says, I still think “Chippewas” sounds like a fungal infection.
CHIPPEWAS 28-17

Indiana State at Eastern Michigan
Why did Indiana State name their team the “Sycamores”?
Is THAT particular tree suppose to frighten you more than another species of hardwood?
Never Mind…
EAGLES 38-10

Hofstra at Connecticut
I will never understand why a group of yankees decided to name their college after a butt rash.
HUSKIES 43-10

Southwest Missouri Baptist at Southeast Missouri State
My Ole Buddy E.J. Junior Coaches at Southwest and that’s good enough for me.
BEARCATS 33-28

Jacksonville State at Georgia Tech
I would watch this game but Midgets are Jousting on Pay-Per-View.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-13

Vanderbilt at Miami (Ohio)
Have you ever seen a Palm tree or Orange tree in Ohio?
They are such poseurs….
COMMODORES 24-17

Carson Newman at Concord
Concord as in the grape?
If the Eagles were playing “Boones Farm” I might feel different.
SPARKS EAGLES 38-10

Eastern Kentucky at Cincinnati
The Colonels will be reduced to Private First Class by the Third Quarter…
BEARKATS 34-13 

Charleston Southern at Miami
Why Charleston Southern you may ask?
Because the Clown College was already scheduled to play Florida State.
HURRICANES 41-6 

Wake Forest at Baylor
There is no truth to the rumor that Jimmy Swaggart will be the Demon Deacon mascot at home games this year. But it hasn’t stopped me from spreading it.
DEMON DEACONS 24-10

South Dakota State at Iowa State
The History of Waffles are on the Food Channel or I would watch this one.
CYCLONES 34-10

Oregon State at Stanford
I will not stoop to making off-color Beaver jokes this early in the season.
When there is always next week…
BEAVERS 24-16

North Carolina State at South Carolina
The Wolfpack have a new coach and a new look on offense…..
GAMECOCKS 27-23

Friday, August 29th

Temple at Army
This game will be like watching old people eat a cheap steak…
At first its funny and then it’s just sad…
BLACK KNIGHTS 3-2

Southern Methodist at Rice
My Once Proud Ponies are for real this year….Believe it.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-24

Saturday, August 30th

Youngstown State at Ohio State
If you think what the folks in Canada do to baby seals is bad…
Then you don’t want to see what the Buckeyes have in store for a bunch of Penguins.
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-10

Akron at Wisconsin
What’s with naming a team “The Zips”?
Is that short for Zippers?
What does the announcer say? The Zippers are down in the first quarter…
That is just disgusting…
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 33-13

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
Doesn’t Lou Holtz’s son Coach at East Carolina?
That’s good enough for me…
HOKIES 89-0 

Coastal Carolina at Penn State
Interesting Fact: “Chanticleer” is Latin for, “A prostitute for a university or college athletic department. Willing to get the living hell beat out of you for a payday or paycheck for the university general fund.”
Coincidence? I think not…
JO PA’S LIONS 44-3

Bowling Green at Pittsburgh
I would LOVE to watch this game but the Muppets are re-enacting the Battle of New Orleans on PBS.
PANTHERS 27-17

Syracuse at Northwestern
I don’t care and neither should you.
WILDCATS 3-2

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, nobody cares.

Western Kentucky at Indiana
If this was a basketball game it might actually be worth watching.
It isn’t…….so don’t.
HOOSIERS 24-13

Maine at Iowa
Why? My point exactly…
HAWKEYES 34-10

Georgia Southern at Georgia
I have only four simple words to say about this game…
How Bout Them Dawgs!!!!!
BIG DAWGS 31-14

Hawaii at Florida
I think the Hawaii mascot looks like Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka….
On Meth…
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10

Southern California at Virginia
IF only this game was last year…..It would have been different.
TROJAN$ 43-21

EDITORS NOTE: What ever happened to the NCAA Investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California? Just wondering….

Villianova at West Virginia
What I wouldn’t give to have a second hand furniture store in Morgantown…
I would have more money than Ernest Tubb…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-6

Utah at Michigan
Wolverine fans, I have some good news and some bad news.
The Bad news is that the Utah football team is better than you think..
The Other Bad news is that Coach Rod’s wife is going to “perform” at halftime…
Sorry, I really don’t have any good news…
WOLVERINES 24-23

Oklahoma State at Washington State
I like Coach Gundy. He can damn sure Cowboy up!
COWBOYS 24-20 

Towson at Navy
I have so many questions about this game…
What the hell is a “Towson”?
Why does Navy have a goat as a mascot?
Will William Shatner release an album of Donna Summer songs this year?
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17

Delaware at Maryland
What is the deal with calling your team the “Fighting Blue Hens”?
It didn’t scare Col. Sanders and it won’t scare the Ninja Turtles…
FIGHTING TERPS 28-23

Tulsa at UAB
I also don’t understand why the folks at University of Alabama - Birmingham named their team the “Blazers” and have a Dragon for a mascot. I have NEVER seen a Dragon in Birmingham Alabama: EVER.
But I did have this blind date once there….Never mind.
GOLDEN HURRICANES 31-17

Illinois State at Marshall
No Redbird can stand up to a Thundering Herd…
It’s a rule…
THUNDERING HERD 27-10

Appalachian State at LSU
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!
Sorry, that was last years ASU headline pick…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17

McNeese State at North Carolina
I knew a McNeese once…
Jeremy McNeese used to dress up in his grandmothers clothes and light things on fire.
I think he gets out on parole in 2015…never mind.
TAR HEELS 34-14

Texas Christian at New Mexico
Life teaches us many odd lessons…
Like for example, I know a lot of TCU alumni.
Everyone of them is good as gold and a hell of a lot of fun.
I have met two New Mexico graduates recently and both of them are horses asses.   
Enough said…
HORNED FROGS 31-24

Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech
Coach Croom’s Bulldogs are the only REAL Dogs in this fight.
CROOMS DOGS 27-17

Chattanooga at Oklahoma
By the time the folks from Chattanooga hear, “Oooo Say can you see….”
They will down by two touchdowns…
BOOMER SOONERS 54-10

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn
What the hell is Monroe thinking?
WAR EAGLES 38-13

Florida Atlantic at Texas
By the time this one is over Florida will wish they were in the Pacific…
LONGHORNS 34-10

Eastern Washington at Texas Tech
There are few things as enjoyable as a Saturday afternoon in Lubbock…
Have I mentioned that it’s the home of Buddy Holly?
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-17

Florida International at Kansas
I think the folks from “International” come to Kansas so they can flaunt their sophistication…
JAYHAWKS 33-17

Western Illinois at Arkansas
This is going to be uglier than Prom Night at the School for the Blind.
RAZORBACKS 54-3

Northern Illinois at Minnesota
Why are Minnesota’s Gophers Golden?
Are they richer than our Gophers?
Does the fact that their Gophers are Golden somehow make them better than us?
I hate arrogant groundhogs…
GOLDEN GOPHERS 24-20

Memphis at Ole Miss
This game is the Battle for the Elvis….
I think the winner gets a Velvet Poster of Elvis…
Before he discovered complex carbohydrates…
REBELS 24-21

Western Michigan at Nebraska
Coach Bo will have the Big Red Machine in High gear for this one…
Believe it…
HUSKERS 38-10

Arkansas State at Texas A&M
The Indians haven’t had this much trouble since the Federal government showed up and said…
“Sign Here”….
GIG EM AGGIES 33-13

Southern University at Houston
The Cougars are Loaded this year….and
Southern has a wonderful Liberal Arts Program…
Enough said…
COUGARS 31-7

Louisiana Lafayette at Southern Miss
Just for the record…
I am STILL upset about Coach Jeff Bowers leaving USM…
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-10

North Texas at Kansas State
I would really enjoy watching this game…
 But VH1 is having a “Special” on David Hasselhoff: The Man, The Myth, The Music.
Times like this I wish I had TIVo.
WILDCATS 24-14

Tennessee Martin at South Florida
I think Martin is going to get a South Florida ass whipping…
NO BULL 34-10

Boston College at Kent State
I cannot in good conscience…
Pull for a school known for anti-war protesting and National Guard bullet traps…
EAGLES 28-10

Michigan State at California
The Spartans will keep this closer than you might think…a lot closer. 
O’ So Golden Bears 20-17 

Idaho State at Boise State
“Famous Potatoes” gets Mashed…film at Eleven.
BRONCOS 38-7

Illinois at Missouri
MO Knows Football……….
MO’s TIGERS 28-17

Northern Arizona at Arizona State
What do you get if you win this “Big” instate game?
A cactus and free maid service for a week?
SUN DEVILS 31-14

Washington at Oregon
Where is Coach James when you need him…?
QUACKERS 3-2

Idaho at Arizona
Everytime I hear about Idaho, I remember this girl from High School named Ida.
Never mind….
WILDCATS 20-10

Alabama and Clemson
NO Cream Puff Game Here….
THIS is HOW you start a Season…
Clemson has one of the Very Best Quarterbacks in the Nation…
The Tigers have a returning Offense and Defense that is second to none… 
I Dearly love my adopted Clemson Tiger Family.
You all know who you are….
I wish I was tailgating with you all right now..
Win, Lose or Draw…we are still family.

CRIMSON TIDE 27-24

Sunday, August 31st

Kentucky at Louisville
This game is alot like going to my wife’s family reunion in Eastern Kentucky..
There is bitterness, cussing and fighting….followed by hard feelings.
Never mind. This game is EXACTLY like her family reunion.
CARDINALS 27-23 

Colorado State at Colorado
While I am on the subject of my wife’s family…
Please be sure and watch my sister-in-law “run” onto the field as the Colorado mascot “Ralphie”..
Hey, I am NOT Complaining! We are just glad she is working…
BUFFALOS 31-28

Monday September 1st

Fresno State at Rutgers
If you really care about this game….
Then you probably didn’t have enough to drink during the earlier games..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 23-17

Tennessee at UCLA
This game is like trying to decide who to pull for in a War between Iran and Syria….
VOWELS 31-17

 

Your Weekly Email Q&A and Team News will be presented on Sunday.
Only 5 Days until Kickoff…..

Enjoy the Games!

RTR
MEB