Ladies and Gentlemen –
As you maneuver through the hustle and bustle of this holiday season please don’t lose yourself in the frustration of the crowds and the dread of trying to find the “perfect” gift for your grumpy old Aunt Freda.
Take a moment for yourself, break out the spiked eggnog, kickoff those shoes that are hurting your feet, settle back and enjoy Part II of the 2016 College Football Bowl Picks.
You feel better already don’t you?
Week One Bowl Wrap Up….
Rather than subject you readers to a litany of ridiculous excuses for the poor performance on last week’s bowl picks from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator, I believe last week’s bowl wrap-up should be delivered with grace, elegance and humor during this festive season of lights.
With that being said….
I can think of no better person or persons to provide your Week One Bowl wrap up than my good friend from Birmingham Alabama, Mr. Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson
I love this guy…
HOLIDAY PUBLIC SERVICE SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT
As a noted college football prognosticator, soon to be published author and semi-famous celebrity it’s vitally important that I “give back” to my adoring public and my community.
EDITORS NOTE: Unlike last Christmas, this public service announcement was not court ordered; it’s from the heart. Why, because I care.
So let’s say “Hypothetically” you and your loved ones are in a “Hypothetical” shopping Mall near a “Hypothetical” city that say rhymes with Nashville Tennessee and let’s say that there is a Mall Santa there who smells like fermented cheese and Southern Comfort and after he motions you over, he asks you in his Santa voice…
“Would you like to take a peek at Santa’s Sack”.
DO NOT LOOK, I REPEAT DO NOT LOOK!
Seek immediate help from local law enforcement by dialing 911 and shield your family from the horrible mentally disturbing scene by fleeing to the food court until law enforcement officials arrive.
EDITORS NOTE: Before you ask “NO” I don’t want to talk about it, but in all fairness it wasn’t as bad as the drunken elf that was arrested last year at the same Mall for having his “pecan roll” out its wrapper if you know what I mean.
HOOTIE’S CHRISTMAS STORY
It’s time once again to hear from the self described “Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet” who, as you know by now, is none other than Mr. James “Hootie” Snitch from Baneberry, Tennessee.
As you have come to expect, Hootie’s Christmas stories are as entertaining as they are mentally traumatizing, but always enjoyable as he details the Tennessee Volunteers season along with references to his wife (Thelma) and his two young children Fulmer (son) and his (daughter) Peyton.
How he manages to wrap that in one package, is still a mystery
So without further interruption I present….
“Hootie’s Christmas Story”
It’s been a rough year up here in the hills,
Heck, Thelma ran slap outta birth control pills
But we hung are stockins by the Chimley, no less
Heck, we even washed ‘em, cause they was a mess
Lil Peyton was curled up, in a ball on tha couch
Ahs tryin hard to be nice, Thelma called me a grouch.
Now that little Peyton, As everyone said,
She looked like her namesake, I mean, man, what a head!
And over in the corner, a munchin on Twix,
Sat fat little Fulmer, swole up like a tick.
Now, these little dumplins, they made us feel blessed,
Even though are teams season, turned into a mess.
Now we started rollin’, real good at the start,
Close with App State, but, dang we had heart!!!
Next came ole’ Va Tech, and O-hi-o U.
Yeah, we tore em up, and got the next two!!!
And then there was Flarda, we wanted that bad,
After 12 in a row, when we won, I was glad.
And then there was Georgia, had a big axe to grind
We started out slow, but we came from behind.
And that’s when it started, are train flat jumped the track.
And we started to lose, three in a row, back to back.
First A&M, man them cheaters ain’t right.
When they snuck up on us, ah was ready to fight
And then there was Bama, I just KNEW we would win,
But that dang devil Satan, he beat us agin.
So we had just two losses, we could still win the East
But got beat by Carlina, and they played like a beast!!!
Well we won are next 3, they weren’t even close,
We could close out the season, and give Vandy a dose.
But dang it all mighty, with the stars shining bright,
We got beat by Vandy? Man that’s just not right.
Our season was ruined, left gnawing on bones,
And we started wondrin, bout are coach, ole Butch Jones
And when he stood up, fore the mikes and the cams
He said “That’s not all, we all get in jams.”
“We ain’t won the conference..
We’ve been through some strife…
We won somethin’ better,
The Championship of Life…”
Then he flew out the room, and I swear that he giggled,
And he drove away fast, just as quick as a whistle
But I swear that I heard him, as he hauled ass away,
“Damn, these here dumbasses, believe ANYTHING I say”
FROM THE SNITCH FAMILY!
EDITORS NOTE: It isn’t often that someone can weave their family Christmas story into their favorite football team’s dismal season, well done sir, well done.
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Hey There Mister Wizard!
We have a bet here at the office that I really (really) hope you can help us with because the winner gets a homemade coconut cake from our town bake shop and it is to die for, believe me!
So here is our question:
What’s your favorite Christmas Movie?
I am betting that it is “It’s a Wonderful Life”
Others have guessed “A Christmas Carol” or “A Christmas Story”
Marsha in accounting said “Scrooge”
What’s the answer Mister Wizard??
Thank you for all the great picks this year!
Shannon – Mobile, Alabama
A: Thank you for your kind words Shannon
But this contest may result in a tie…
My “two” Favorite Christmas Movies are…
Billy Jack and anything with Chuck Norris in it…
I believe if Chuck Norris would have roundhouse kicked Mr. Potter in the first ten seconds of “It’s a Wonderful Life” there wouldn’t have been any need for Clarence the Angel to go through all that butt pain to get his wings.
My name is Timmy and I am six years old and I live in Three Notch Alabama with my mommy and my daddy and our toy poodle Cam, but I call him Fig Newton.
My daddy broke his ankle this past fall when he jumped off the Auburn bandwagon (cause they ain’t been any good this year) and he hasn’t been able to work at the recycling center because Obama Care don’t care.
Then my momma caught our trailer house on fire when the armadillo helper surprise she was a cooking blowed up and the worst of everything, my 18 year old sister done run off with an Alabama Crimson Tide boy.
Is my momma and daddy ever mad at her!
So I am asking you Wizard Man for a Christmas Miracle.
Can you do that?
Timmy – Three Notch, Alabama
A: Sadly I am not in charge of Christmas Miracles Timmy, or there would be a lot less traffic in Northern Virginia.
But, just remember it could always be worse.
Your Mother might have actually feed you the “armadillo helper surprise”
Q: Dear Sir
With all the terrorism in the world today and the attacks on the civilized world during this holiday season, how are we supposed to combat this evil and enjoy the warm embrace of this season?
Thank you Sir
Thomas – Indianapolis, Indiana
A: Thomas there is a very simple, yet effect deterrent to combating terrorism in today’s world. We force those bent on the destruction of the civilized world to listen to ESPN “commentator” Beth Mowin’s voice until their ears bleed and their heads ignite in a fiery inferno. Problem solved…
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
It’s a readily apparent from your weekly picks that you are “not” a fan of country singer Wynonna Judd, but my family and I were wondering why Wynonna wasn’t selected to be the “Grand Marshall” for the Music City Bowl in Nashville this year.
Do you have any idea?
The Anderson Family – Franklin, Tennessee
A: There is a very reasonable and completely understandable rationale behind the decision to “not have” Wynonna as the Grand Marshall for the Music City Bowl.
During the Nashville Christmas Parade three years ago she broke loose from her handlers and trampled some children to get to their cotton candy.
So it’s really more of a safety issue.
Q: O-M-G O-M-G Mister Wizard!
O-M-G I am so excited! (Smiley Face!!!)
O-M-G I am so excited! (Smiley Face!!!)
O-M-G I am so excited! (Smiley Face!!!)
Rebecca – Boulder, Colorado
A: I have no idea what the hell that was all about…
But we are all elated that you are so “excited”
Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
I know Christmas is almost here, but I wanted to encourage you to go to Dollywood this year and see the “Nutcracker”, it’s an incredible production!
We hope you see it, you won’t be disappointed!
Thanks for all the picks this year, we really enjoyed them!
The Davis family – Jackson, Tennessee
A: Thank you Davis family, for those kind words, however…
I refuse to see the “Nutcracker” because it makes me uncomfortable for reasons that should be abundantly obvious.
In fact I am feeling rather uncomfortable right now just writing about it…
Q: Dear Sir
Do you have any southing words of wisdom this holiday season that will alleviate our fears and lift our spirits?
Mark – Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: Indeed I do Mark….
THE BOWL GAMES
Thursday, 22 December
Famous Potato Bowl
I don’t understand “why” a bowl game needs a mascot…
But this one looks less like a potato and more like a giant turd in a sock
Idaho and Colorado State
RAM TOUGH 28-24
The Preparation H Whack-a-Mole Bowl
I don’t know if you have seen it…
But the commercial for this bowl game is just wrong on a number of levels
“When you feel that familiar yet uncomfortable itch; Whack-a-Mole!”
(I don’t care who is playing in this Bowl game and neither do you)
The Lounge Lizard Bowl
This bowl game is reserved for the teams and fans with fake tans, gold plated chains, bad toupees and even worse hygiene.
Duke and UCLA
Friday, 23 December
Popeye’s Bahamas Bowl
The sponsorship for this Bowl game is far to confusing for me…
Let me be sure I have this correct..
Popeye’s Chicken in the Bahamas?
There is a Bowl game in the Bahamas?
These two sponsors go together like Chinese food and peanut butter
Eastern Michigan and Old Dominion
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
Despite their last loss which will not be discussed in this forum…
I have but two words to say…
Louisiana Tech and Navy
GOOOOO NAVY 38-28
Dollar General Bowl
In my beautiful adopted Hometown of Mobile, Alabama
I wish I was at the Flora-Bama Lounge right now….
(I’m legend there don’t you know)
Ohio and Troy
MEN OF TROY 34-31
Saturday, 24 December
This Bowl game would be so much more interesting “if” Dog the Bounty Hunter was sponsoring it, for a variety of reasons.
I was going to reference Dog the Bounty Hunter arresting half the Gopher football team until I realized Minnesota wasn’t playing in this game. Sorry…
Hawaii and Middle Tennessee State
BLUE CHRISTMAS RAIDERS 34-31
The Wuang Chang Do Dang Chinese Bowl
San Francisco, California
Unfortunately due to a paid sponsorship from this bowl game we will reproduce the promotional introduction for this game in it’s entirety. Thank you
“Chang Do Dang! I say to Him!
Me Chinese me make joke, I put pee-pee in your Coke!”
EDITORS NOTE: Now I forgot who was playing in this damn game
Monday, 26 December
St Petersburg Bowl
The Bulldogs better not lose this game….
Or my Black Lab “Doc” will boycott them next season
Miami (OH) and Mississippi State
BULLY DOGS 41-24
Quick Lane Bowl
Why is a Bowling Alley sponsoring a damn bowl game?
This is even dumber than the Popeye’s Spicy Cajun Chicken Bahamas Bowl…
As if that’s possible.
Maryland and Boston College
I DON’T CARE 28-24
Camping World Independence Bowl
I liked this Bowl game a lot better when it was the Weedeater Bowl….
But regardless of my personal preferences I’m going “Anchor Down” on this one
North Carolina State and Vanderbilt
Vanilla Ice Bowl
Yankton South Dakota
I don’t know who is playing in this game I just like saying “Yankton”
(It’s a fun word to say even when you’re alone…)
Tuesday, 27 December
Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl
Any Bowl game in beautiful Dallas Texas is ok by me…
(Sorry I was reminiscing there for a minute)
Army and North Texas
MEAN GREEN 41-31
Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman
I don’t mind being “the Master of the Obvious”
In fact that is what is written at the top of my resume
But shouldn’t at least “one” of the teams in the “Military Bowl” be you know…
A MILITARY SCHOOL????
Temple and Wake Forest
National Funding Holiday Bowl
I think this sponsorship contradicts itself…
“National Funding” which I can only assume means the damn IRS
And a Holiday?
That’s like having an isle at the drug store for….
“family planning” and “Incontinence”
Minnesota and Washington State
Motel 6 Cactus Bowl
This sponsorship sounds like…..
Something nasty is going at the motel near the truck stop
(I’m just saying…)
Boise State and Baylor
Wednesday, 28 December
New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Let’s all be honest with each other here….
We really don’t care about this Bowl game
Pittsburgh and Northwestern
A NORTHERN TEAM 28-24
Russell Athletic Wear Bowl
I can’t help but wonder…..
How the proprietors of the Hotels in Orlando will feel….
When joyous mountaineer fans drag the couches and other furniture out of their hotel rooms and into the parking lot and set them on fire.
West Virginia and Miami
Foster Farms Bowl
I would be far more inclined to watch and support this bowl game if it was called…
“The Boones Farm Strawberry Hill Bowl”
Those people make some wine that will curl your hair and wind your watch
Indiana and Utah
TWO UTES 34-31
AdvoCare V100 Texas Bowl
It should be noted here….
That the first thing I do every (every) morning when I wake up…
“Remember The Alamo”
Texas A&M and Kansas State
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24
Your last installment of the 2016 College Football Bowl Picks will be out next week, along with something or two to get you through the “Big” Bowl games and playoffs.
So Stay Tuned…
One More Thing…
There is a “new” Christmas Story on Mikerights.com for you today and there will be some of your well worn Christmas stories on both websites right up until Christmas Day that I hope you will enjoy.
So keep checking the sites for updates…
Consider them an early Christmas gift from The CFB Wizard and Mikerights.
Now whether you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah….
My Black Lab “Doc” and I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah and thank you all from the bottom of our collective hearts for all your encouragement, patience and love throughout the year.
We both truly appreciate it
My Black Lab “Doc” insisted I post a picture for all his “fans”
The handsome rascal…
THE CFB WIZARD