Ladies and Gentlemen –
I am sure like many of you I was shocked and dismayed by the conclusion of several of the games last Saturday night. In fact I couldn’t have been more surprised last Saturday night than if big ole hairy Yak would have knocked on my door with its nasty misshapen horns.
But enough talk about Wynonna Judd stalking me…..
That’s a problem for the local Animal Control folks.
Enjoy Your Picks
Weekend Rewind….
Let’s get right to it….
I can’t sugar coat it or put lip stick on last week’s predictions.
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a dismal 45 and 16 or 74%
I still can’t believe I missed “The” Upset of the Week”
Honestly I should have seen it coming….
Can you believe Susquehanna defeated Juniata?
O’ Yeah I missed a “few” other “significant” games too, you don’t need to remind me.
So that leaves The CFB Wizard at 528 and 125 or 81% for the season.
Upon reflection of the total number of games I predict during any given season. It’s become rather apparent to me of one glaring uncomfortable fact.
I need to get “out” more….
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
Your “College Football News and Weekly Wrap-up” will be brought to you this week by my good buddy from the Iron City of Birmingham Alabama.
Mr. Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson
Nobody does it better
I love this guy
Enjoy….
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Dear Dumbass
Look, we go through this drill every single year and every single year you get it “wrong”.
Juniata is a COLLEGE in Huntington Pennsylvania
It is NOT a woman named Juanita or J-Lo!
Susquehanna is a COLLEGE located in Selinsgrove Pennsylvania
IT is NOT some woman named Susie-Q!
They are both very prestigious colleges!
They are NOT white trash hillbilly women that live in a trailer park!
Get it right for once!
Enough is enough!
Kurt – Huntington, Pennsylvania
A: As always Kurt I enjoy your emails this time of the year….
But I got to tell you….
Before J-Lo and Susie-Q’s tussled in the trailer park last week, I couldn’t help but notice when J-Lo spun around, the back of her yoga pants looked like about five thousand dollars worth of hail damage.
No wonder Susie-Q whipped her big butt last Saturday afternoon.
That’s all I’m saying
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –
I know this is a strange question and out of the realm of college football.
However I am going to take a chance that you will help me.
Do you ever get some annoying song stuck in your head that you can’t get out?
I have one rambling thru my brain now that I can’t get out!
I won’t share it with you; for fear that it will get stuck in your head too!
Do you have any remedies that would help? It’s driving me insane!
Jason – Jacksonville, Florida
A: You came to the right place Jason….
I have just the fix for your problem
My “go to” in a situation similar to yours is a mixture of good barbeque and music…
As my buddy from Prattville Alabama demonstrates in the below picture…
One last note on this topic…
“IF” that song is now stuck in your head, it’s not my fault
Q: Dear College Football Wizard!
Sir did you have an opportunity to see the epic moon earlier this week?
Thanks –
Tiffany – Memphis, Tennessee
A: Tiffany, I no longer open any emails or pictures sent to me by Wynonna Judd.
Sorry…..
Q: Dear Mr. Wizard Man
Looky here, we live down here in “The Bottle” Alabama, just outside of Auburn and you better knows we are damn Tiger fans!
Hell YEAH!
You better gets ready cause we is coming for you in the Iron Bowl!
War Damn Eagle!
Donny – The Bottle, Alabama
A: Donny, from your misspelled diatribe it would appear to me….
You have spent too much time in “The Bottle”
Q: Hey Wizard Man!
Now I might be a righting this email higher than a hippie in a helicopter but I’m a here to tell you that I done watched that ESNP and you know what?
The Vols is still Meth-a-matically in the damn hunt for the National Champsship!
Damn skippy we is!
Tooter – Lenoir City, Tennesee
A: I am not so sure your email makes much sense….
However I’m sure you got the “meth” part correct
Q: Dear CFB Wizard –
I have read through several of your recent posts and although I enjoyed them I have to say that your veiled references to a “higher power” are disconcerting.
Please drop your references to the invisible man in the sky, they will make your articles much more palatable to the average reader and won’t offend someone like myself that doesn’t share your views of an invisible magician in the sky.
Sincerely
Stephanie – Cleveland, Ohio
A: Thank you for your email Stephanie, and let me explain my stance.
I will be the first to state that I never understood why “they” took away prayer before a football game in the first place.
At my height and size you better believe I WAS praying before and during the game.
“Lord I know I put that Icy Hot in Tommy Gleason’s jockstrap, put please don’t let me get killed on this kickoff return, amen.”
I prayed a lot before tests I took in school too and if you had any idea of what kind of a student I was, you would probably agree with me that “praying” before any test I took in school was a good idea.
“Dear God, please help me pass this chemistry test or I will lose my eligibility”
And although you categorized God a couple of times as “invisible” that doesn’t make Him any less real. Just like you can “regulate” God away from the football field and the classrooms, it doesn’t mean he isn’t there or I wouldn’t have passed chemistry.
You can’t see the air that you breathe or the wind that moves the trees either, but it’s there nonetheless.
You won’t see the wind itself but you can see its effects as it causes the trees to sway and I know He moves me too even if I don’t see him.
I hope that answered your question.
THE GAMES
Tuesday 15 November
Kent State at Bowling Green
This is a “big” rivalry in the Buckeye state….
Is played for…
(Wait for it….)
“The Anniversary Award”
Even The CFB Wizard can’t make this one sound exciting
FALCONS 42-7
Ohio at Central Michigan
Call this Particular Prognostication….
A “Feeling”
CHIPS 27-20
Wednesday 16 November
Northern Illinois at Eastern Michigan
I don’t know is it just me….
Or am I in “The Zone” on these earlier games?
SHAGGY DOGS 31-24
Thursday 17 November
Louisville at Houston
“Houston….
You Have a Problem….”
BOBBY’S BIRDS 41-24
Arkansas State at Troy
I know what many of you are thinking….
You think My Black Lab “Doc” will insist that I pick the Red Wolves
Wrong…
“Doc” is a Bama Boy…
MEN OF TROY 38-34
Friday 18 November
Memphis at Cincinnati
Not that it’s all that important here…
But I do a phenomenal impersonation of Elvis Presley
I’m just saying
ELVIS’S TIGERS 34-20
UNLV at Boise State
This game is going to be uglier than…..
Watching Mike Tyson trying to get Hooked on Phonics
BRONCO’S 44-14
Saturday 19 November
Buffalo at Western Michigan
If I was Buffalo…..
I would use their famous wings and get the hell out of this game
BRONCO’S 51-14
Clemson at Wake Forest
Sorry Demon Deacons…
No “Upset” Special here
But there is an Ass Whipping…
DABO’S TIGERS 41-17
Kansas State at Baylor
After what has transpired on Baylor’s campus….
And how those incidents were tolerated by the “former” football coach and administration…
After I read that the “fans” want the very coach back that tolerated such heinous acts
I hope the bears lose every damn game, every damn game.
BILL’S CATS 31-24
Yale at Harvard
We don’t care….
Seriously we don’t
Arizona at Oregon State
This game features….
“Wildcats and Beavers”
Sounds like the last party I attended at Kid Rock’s House…
(Don’t judge me)
BEAVERS 31-28
Southern California at UCLA
For information about this game….
“Please press one for Spanish” or two for “English”
This Battle of Los Angeles”
(Minus the drive-by shootings or gang initiations)
Is known as “The Cross-Town Showdown”
It’s played for the “Victory Bell”
And the Ring-a-Ding-Ding goes too….
TROJANS 34-28
Montana State at Montana
This instate rivalry in Big Sky Country goes by the name….
“The Brawl of the Wild”
It’s played each year for the “Great Divide Trophy”
It’s always one heck of a game and this one will be no different
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-31
Washington State at Colorado
Stop me if you have heard this one….
“What’s the difference between Wynonna Judd and the Colorado mascot?”
About 125 pounds, black and gold painted hoofs and blue eye shadow
WYNONNA’S 41-38
Oregon at Utah
Let’s be honest….
Nobody gives a flying Ute about this game…
TWO UTES 41-21
Stanford at California
They call this instate California rivalry…
“The Big Game”
It’s played for the coveted “Stanford Axe”
I don’t know if that is an actual “axe” or some bizarre body wash…
(I will get back with you on that one)
O so VERY GOLDEN BEARS 28-17
South Florida at Southern Methodist
I failed my proud ponies last week by “Not” picking them.
Correction Made This Week…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-28
Florida State at Syracuse
The only way the Orange has a chance in this game?
The Seminoles miss their flight to New York
Believe it
SEMINOLES 44-17
Texas at Kansas
Last week the Jayhawks were beaten in a full contact scrimmage by a sock monkey and two dwarfs with an accordion. Enough said….
HOOK EM HORNS 44-10
Oklahoma at West Virginia
There will be no burning smoldering couches in Morgantown Tonight…
Sorry…
BOOMER DAMN SOONER 41-38
Oklahoma State at Texas Christian
In one form or fashion of another….
My Hero’s have always been Cowboys
COWBOY UP! 34-24
Iowa at Illinois
Two Big Ten (or whatever the number is this week) teams square off…
And you know what that means…
Another “rivalry” game and a “trophy”!
This old rivalry is known as the “Urine Cake Bowl”
It’s called this primarily because at this point….
Both teams seasons are in the toilet
HAWKEYES 34-17
Northwestern at Minnesota
I can’t get enough of these Big Ten (Twenty-four?) Rivalries can you?
This epic game played between two subpar teams is played for…
“The One-Eyed Walrus Trophy”
EDITORS NOTE: I know the above might sound nasty….
But if you say it to yourself several times you will laugh your head off
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GOPHERS 33-28
North Dakota State at South Dakota
Can the Bison make a run at a Sixth National Championship in a row?
Yes they most certainly can….
It begins here..
MIGHTY BISON 34-28
Maryland at Nebraska
In case you were wondering….
“Yes” I still have some element of pain….
Stemming from Nebraska’s unwillingness to “upset” Ohio State
CHILDREN OF THE CANDY CORN 34-21
Wisconsin at Purdue
Gosh, all these Big Ten (Sixteen?) Conference rivalry games with all the pomp and tradition and trophies leave me giddy with anticipation of the yearly contests.
This one is played for the coveted “Salamander Sock Money”
(Say that one three times really fast and see if you don’t spit on yourself)
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 38-10
Navy at East Carolina
History teaches us that…
“Pirates” haven’t faired too well against the United States Navy…
If you don’t think so, ask anyone in Somalia
GOOOOOOOOOO NAVY 41-24
Ohio State at Michigan State
When these two teams met last season, it was an unbelievable game….
Sadly, there won’t be much drama in this one.
BUCKEYES 41-17
Texas San Antonio at Texas A&M
This game is going to be uglier than…..
A Japanese Mariachi band playing Lynyrd Skynyrd songs…
(The thought of that one made you cringe didn’t it?)
GIG EM AGGIES 44-21
Morgan State at Army
Even I can’t believe I am actually making this pick….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 41-10
Louisiana Lafayette at Georgia
You probably already guessed what My Black Lab “Doc” thinks about this game.
He knows what he is talking (barking) about…
SMART DAWGS 38-14
Virginia at Georgia Tech
I wished I cared about this game…..
But Florida and LSU is getting ready to kickoff…
Sorry…
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17
Miami at North Carolina State
This game is going to be close….
Real (Real) Close…
HURRICANES 34-31
Florida at LSU
I have no logical reason for making this pick…..
Common consciences would say the Tigers are the clear favorite
Here we go….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24
Connecticut at Boston College
This titanic matchup between two traditional powerhouses..
Who am I kidding…
This game is nothing like that, at all.
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 28-24
Middle Tennessee at Charlotte
Poor Charlotte….
She hasn’t been the same since she got on “Weight Watchers”
BLUE RAIDERS 38-24
Massachusetts at Brigham Young
Little known fact….
If you have a speech impediment AND drink a glass of buttermilk…
You can’t pronounce “Massachusetts” without drooling on yourself…
COUGARS 41-21
Georgia Southern at Georgia State
This Instate Peach State Rivalry is a newer one…
But no less intense than older rivalries
SOUTHERN EAGLES 34-24
Louisiana Monroe at Appalachian State
Something tells me this game will be close….
Too close to call
MOUNTAINEERS 34-31
Duke at Pittsburgh
I wish I cared about this game….
But I really don’t…..
PANTHERS 24-21
Virginia Tech at Notre Dame
I wouldn’t necessarily call this one an “Upset”….
Unless you are a fan of the Golden Gnomes, then you are seriously upset
FIGHTING TURKEYS 31-28
Missouri at Tennessee
This just in…..
The University of Tennessee has declared this weekend as…
“Butt Chugging Weekend”
So if you are from out of town and are visiting Knoxville this weekend…
And let’s say “hypothetically” you drop your wallet…
My recommendation is that you kick it to Nashville before you pick it up
You are Welcome America
VOWELS 44-17
The Citadel at North Carolina
This game will be close for a while….
Then it’s all…
TAR HEELS 34-17
Texas Tech at Iowa State
Who doesn’t love a university mascot that carries a firearm and rides a horse…
My Point exactly…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-28
Indiana at Michigan
This little known Big Ten (Whatever) Conference rivalry…
Is played for the coveted “Springy Slinky”
(In all honesty it looks like a coil spring from an old Oldsmobile)
I’m just saying…
WOLVERINES 41-24
Western Carolina at South Carolina
It would make more sense….
If the “Catamounts” was a taxidermy college…
Rather than leaving us all thinking…
Something nasty is going on in the Animal Husbandry Department
GAMECOCKS 28-17
Austin Peay at Kentucky
I don’t know what it is but….
There is something about this game that makes me want to urinate.
BLUE CATS 44-17
Southern Miss at North Texas
This one is a toss-up….
I am going with the home team in this game
MEAN GREEN 31-28
Hawaii at Fresno State
Since My Black Lab “Doc” has a better average in picking games than I do lately…
I am going with the big dog’s suggestion…
BULLDOGS 41-31
Marshall at Florida Atlantic
Call this one a sentimental pick….
Because it is..
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-31
Arkansas at Mississippi State
As far as Mississippi State’s season goes….
You know what they say in the South
“It’s time to pee on the fire and call in the Bulldogs…”
RAZORBACKS 38-17
Chattanooga at Alabama
“Turn it Up”
Sweet Home Alabama
CRIMSON TIDE 41-14
Alabama A&M at Auburn
The last “tune-up” for the “Gus Bus” before the Iron Bowl……
WAR DAMN EAGLE 44-17
Arizona State at Washington
The Huskies took a spanking last week….
They rebound tonight..
(I got that straight from My Black Lab “Doc”)
Believe it…
HUSKIES 44-24
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
I wish the Commodores could win this game….
But then again…
Sometimes I wish for too much
BLACK BEAR REBELS 38-17
Penn State at Rutgers
There is nothing quite like a football game this time of the year in New Jersey….
The smell of wet dog food and burning tires in the air mixed with the delicate aroma of gun smoke from the nearby gang land shootings.
Ah….Good Times
NITTANY LIONS 34-14
New Mexico at Colorado State
Isn’t Coors Beer made in Colorado?
That’s good enough for me here..
RAM TOUGH 33-28
Air Force at San Jose State
The lyrics to the classic song go something like this…
“Do you know the way to San Jose?”
(Yeah it’s over there next to the Air Force bombing range)
FALCONS 41-34
Next Week….
Your College Football Picks will be out just in time for Thanksgiving on Wednesday of next week….
And what will be serving for Thanksgiving this year you may ask?
A whole lot of Hateful Rivalries served up in an Iron Bowl
Win or Lose, the taste will stay in your mouth all year
So stay Tuned…
One More Thing…..
Next week there will be news about the upcoming release of my book “Sunnyside Up”, which will give me an additional reason to be even more eccentric than I have already become.
But before you ask, “No” I will not wear an ascot and speak in a phony British accent.
However I will continue to occasionally cut my grass naked….
Don’t judge me; it helps me “think”
Have a great weekend….
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD