Ladies and Gentlemen –
As the song “State I’m In” from my friends in Possum Kingdom South Carolina
“The bright lights they won’t leave me alone, I need a shadow or a hole in the wall because maybe I don’t know, I don’t know what kind of state I’m in; we still got a ways to go”
So don’t get despondent or celebrate too loudly over a single game
We still got a ways to go this season
So hang on tight
Enjoy..
Weekend Rewind….
Last week, Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator eclipsed any previous prognostication records he had faster than you could possibly imagine.
How fast you might ask?
The previous records disappeared faster than a nutty buddy at a weight watchers meeting.
EDITORS NOTE: “Yes”, that fast….
But please, don’t embarrass me with your adulation and loving praise.
EDITORS NOTE: Queue the “drum roll” please…
Last Week The CFB Wizard was a rather astounding 45 and 6 or 88%
That leaves Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator at 351 and 81 or 81%
EDITORS NOTE: I know many of you want to either begin doing the “Wave” or stage an impromptu standing ovation, but I beg you not too.
I do not want to be responsible for any accidents you may cause at work in the process
Thank you
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
TENNESSEE: In the immortal words of Coach Paul W. Bryant….
“Win without bragging and lose without excuse”
We will see you all next year in Tuscaloosa
Roll Tide
THE IVY LEAGUE: Seriously, nobody cares….
HOUSTON: Look I know last week hurt your feelings…
The Big 12 (Lite) voted “not” to include you in their conference..
It’s ok
Sure they don’t want a “real” relationship with you
But you can (maybe) still be friends, you know what I mean?
You can text one another “LOL” on each others funny messages etc
Believe me when I say this Houston
It’s not “You” it’s “Them”
ESPN: For the love of all that is Holy in College Football….
Will you PLEASE stop scrolling other sports scores at the bottom of the screen?
I can speak for college football fans everywhere when I say…
WE don’t care about who did what in Brazilian soccer…
Soccer isn’t even a “real” sport if it was a real sport then Frenchmen wouldn’t be able to play it.
WE don’t care about basketball either; they only play ten damn months out of the year.
It’s worse than NASCAR, if that’s even possible.
ARKANSAS: Nobody (Nobody) gave the Mighty Razorbacks a shot at beating Ole Miss
Except Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator
You are Welcome Razorback Nation
CBS SPORTS “Vern and Gary”: Here we go again…
From the “Just when you didn’t think it could get any damn worse” file…
CBS’s “Vern and Gary” Show or as I like to refer them as….
“Ass Clowns” on parade…..
Demonstrated once again their absurd ridiculousness by demonstrating some of the following during last week’s game between Alabama and Tennessee:
Their constant review of plays that had no impact or influence on the game was annoying to the point of insanity. We heard such statements as….
“Let’s see that play again, slow it down and notice the referee missed a call there, lets watch it ten times in a row.”
Certainly there were other more egregious indignations suffered by listening to them this past Saturday, but the worse, perhaps most disgusting was the pairs over the top admiration bordering on sexual giddiness when Peyton Manning “visited” the announcers booth.
EDITORS NOTE: Peyton Manning is on every damn commercial on television except Pampers, haven’t we seen enough of him already?
Speaking of Pampers those are the commercials he really needs to do….
When he played football, I’ve never seen a bigger cry baby in my life.
Then to make matters worse, the three “Love Birds” in the booth talked through five minutes of the damn football game and about what?
“What Peyton is going to do with the rest of his life”
EDITORS NOTE: May I suggest something along the lines of a “Murder Suicide”
It’s a just a thought….
COLORADO: Didn’t I tell all you Buffalo Fans, didn’t I?
As soon as you started painting Wynonna’s hoofs and combing her back hair before leading her onto the football field, you started winning. Just like I said you would..
It’s all about making her feel “pretty”, don’t you know…
Ralphie V takes the field with his handlers. The No. 2 Oregon Ducks play the Colorado Buffaloes at Folsom Field in Boulder, Co. on Oct. 5, 2013. (Michael Arellano/Emerald)
NEBRASKA: Welcome Back to “Winning”….We Missed you
MIAMI: These Hurricanes are for real…Believe it
ARMY: I have “discovered” Army’s “secret” to a winning season this year…
“Scheduling”
Here is a brief look at the start of Army’s Football Schedule for 2016
1. The Blind Midget Juggling College of Des Moines, Iowa
2. A guy named “Fred” in Rumford, Maine
3. The Audubon Society of Eureka Springs, Arkansas
4. The employees of “Jim’s Chicken Shack” in Tupelo, Mississippi
5. J-Qwan’s Beautiful Hair and Nails Academy, St Louis Missouri
EDITORS NOTE: Mystery solved my friends…
NOTRE DAME: You have to admit….
That whole “We have a shot at the National Championship” talk is kind of funny now
Isn’t it?
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: This is vitally important so please pay close attention to following announcement.
Have you seen any advertisements on television for “Detox Tea”?
Those products sound like “they” will dissolve harmful chemicals or rid your body of potentially deadly toxins and other unsavory elements hanging around within your body, through osmosis or whatever.
Let me save you some embarrassment here…
The term “Detox” should be replaced with “Nuclear Laxative”
I had three cups of said liquid “tea” and within thirty minutes I could poop through a keyhole from twenty feet away.
EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the visual….
And in the unlikely event you find some okra that you pickled three years ago and decide to “snack” on them as you sip your “Detox” tea; then you need to understand that you will need to wear a leaf bag around your waist for the better part of the day.
And before you ask, “NO” I don’t want to talk about it.
THE BIG ORANGE REPORT
I ain’t got a damn thing I want to say write now!
Damn It!
Hootie – Out
EDITORS NOTE: I’m terribly sorry dear readers….
This is odd
Because Hootie Snitch had a lot to say before last Saturday..
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Greetings My Good Man!
You sir, from what I have read, are quite knowledgeable on the varied university and college mascots and traditions within the realm of college football.
My wife (Sylvia) and I have (what we believe) is the most unique breed of canine in the world! And may we so bold as to state perhaps the “greatest canine” mascot ever devised in all of collegiate athletics!
Our female dachshund (Liberace) we call her “Libby” became impregnated by the neighbor’s Rottweiler “Brutus” and the result were the most unusual, yet adorable puppies you could possibly imagine.
We call the cute little bundles of joy “Rotten Wieners”
Kind sir, do think there is a market for “Rotten Wieners” as mascots in the world of college athletics.
Thank You!
Norman and Sylvia – Montpelier, Vermont
A: Have you tried contacting Notre Dame?
Q: Dear Sir
My name Doctor Dick Wang and I licensed Psychologist at UCLA in the California of Los Angeles. Thank you
I see column you write and think, CFB Wizard has many psychological problems.
Sometimes he angry, times others sad, then disturbed and perturbed.
You got many problems! Thank you
My question, thank you, how you write with many problems?
Thank you
Dr. Dick Wang LCP – Los Angeles, California
A: There are times, I must admit, I just “Wang it”
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
I am representing Ms. Wynonna Judd, Country Music Super Star, musical genius and current spokesperson for “Weight Watchers”.
Sir, please refrain from making derogatory remarks and comments concerning the recent weight gain of Wynonna Judd.
Ms. Judd is the epitome of health and beauty and your comments are not only inflammatory, they are simply outrageous and hurtful.
Please cease and desist this childish and boorish behavior before we take legal action against you and your organization.
Sincerely –
Chase and Ketchum Attorneys at Law – Nashville, Tennessee
A: Ironically did you know that “epitome” in Latin means….
“Wynonna is big enough to have her own zip code”
Q: Hey Wizard Man
I got me a question I ‘m serious
Do you think it might change Tennessee’s luck if we done dug up ole General Neyland’s mummified body and carted him around the field before a home game than parked him the corner of the end zone to motivate the team and fans.
You know let people touch him and get them pictures taken with him.
What’s you think Mister Wizard?
Roy – Lafollette, Tennessee
A: That’s an interesting theory Roy….
But that idea didn’t work for the University of Kentucky and Col. Saunders…
I’m just saying…
THE GAMES
Thursday 20 October
Miami at Virginia Tech
This game poses a prognostication dilemma….
It’s Fall Turkey season but at the same time it’s still Hurricane season…
I am going with…
HURRICANES 31-17
Troy at South Alabama
The Battle for South Alabama….
It’s going to be a dandy
Believe it
MEN OF TROY 31-28
Harding at East Central
That Ole Harding boy is harder than woodpecker lips
BISON 41-21
Brigham Young at Boise State
This game may very well come down to who has the ball last….
I am going with
BRONCOS 41-38
Friday 21 October
Oregon at California
I had every intention of watching this game….
But I had already scheduled to rearrange my sock drawer on this night
Sorry..
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN BEARS 38-28
Penn at Yale
Nobody Cares….
Seriously, they don’t
Saturday 22 October
North Texas at Army
I cannot actually believe I am making this pick
Kill Me Now
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-28
Massachusetts at South Carolina
Carolina better win this game….
That’s all I am going to say
GAMECOCKS 31-14
Gallaudet at Norwich
I cannot stand institutions of higher learning that can’t seem to correctly pronounce their university or colleges name.
It’s NOT pronounced or spelled “Gallaudet”, it’s pronounced “Gall Dern It”
Get it straight people…
NORTHERN WITCHES 24-17
Montana at Northern Arizona
I would feel considerably better if this game was being played in “Big Sky Country”
It’s going to be a close one in the desert
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-31
Central Florida at Connecticut
For Prognostication purposes….
This game is what we like to refer to as…
“A Filler”
O’ SO Very GOLDEN KNIGHTS 28-24
Harvard at Princeton
We still don’t care….
VMI at Chattanooga
This game is going to be uglier than Kenny Rogers in a spandex bicycle outfit
MIGHTY MOCS 44-10
Central Michigan at Toledo
In case you didn’t know..
This game will be played in the “Glass Bowl”….
I hope security checks the fans for rocks before they let them in
(That’s all I’m saying)
RICKY ROCKET 38-34
MIT at Salve Regina
I had no idea the Mississippi Institute of technology had a football team…
I thought they just retreaded tires and worked on combines.
Who Knew?
RICO SUAVE 24-14
Indiana at Northwestern
This Big 10 (or something or another) Conference Rivalry is played each year…
For the coveted…
(Wait for it)
“Potted Meat Stick”
(I have heard that it smells like ass and old peoples feet)
HOOSIER DADDY 31-17
Wisconsin at Iowa
Yet another Big 10 Conference Rivalry game…
(What’s with these people and their obscure trophies?)
This one is played for “The Heartland Trophy”
Yippee
MEN OF CHEESE 28-24
North Carolina State at Louisville
This one has all the makings of a shoot-out…
It’s going to be close
Real Close
BOBBY’S BIRDS 28-24
Wingate at Carson Newman
I knew a kid once named “Wingate”
He was a smartass rich kid who was an only child…
I never liked that boy
And before you ask…
“NO” I don’t feel bad about the flaming dog poop I put on his porch
SPARK’S EAGLES 41-38
Prairie View at Rice
I don’t give a Hoot about either of these teams to be perfectly honest…
OWLS 38-10
North Dakota State at Western Illinois
Although the mighty Bison lost the “Dakota Marker” game last week to South Dakota State, I still believe in the power of the Bison.
BISON 34-28
Oklahoma State at Kansas
“UPSET SPECIAL!”
(You know I’m kidding, right?)
COWBOY UP! 145-3
Texas at Kansas State
It pains me to write this…..
BILL’S WILDCATS 28-24
Rutgers at Minnesota
I don’t know about you…
But I like my Gopher “Extra Crispy”
O’ SOOOOOO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-14
St Olaf at Carleton
There are “Rivalries” and then there are “Rivalries”
This is one of my favorites…
It’s played each year for the highly coveted..
“Cereal Bowl” and ….
“The Goat Trophy”
(Who doesn’t want a goat trophy?)
As if this game with its pageantry and trophies wasn’t enough…
I will regal and motivate you with the St. Olaf “Fight Song”
“We come from St. Olaf, we sure are the real stuff.
Our team is the cream of the colleges great.
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious.
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.
Um Yah Yah! Um Yah Yah!
Um Yah Yah! Um Yah Yah!
Um Yah Yah! Um Yah Yah!
Um Yah Yah YAH!
Um Yah Yah! Um Yah Yah!
Um Yah Yah! Um Yah Yah!
Um Yah Yah! Um Yah Yah!
Um Yah Yah YAH!”
SAINT OLLIE 24-21
EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad…..
I don’t understand all the “Um Yah Yah! Um Yah Yah!” thing either..
Syracuse at Boston College
I truly wish I cared about this game…
But I don’t
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-21
Ohio at Kent State
Frank’s Cats are for real this year….
Believe it
FRANK’S CATS 34-17
Delta State at Valdosta State
No one knows how dangerous three year old pickled okra can be more than I do
(And “NO” I still don’t want to talk about it)
FIGHTING OKRA 41-38
Hawaii at Air Force
I wish Dog the Bounty Hunter was playing in this game….
But sometimes I just wish for too much…
MIGHTY FALCONS 44-17
Colorado at Stanford
I believe in the power of Wynonna running onto the field with the Buffaloes…
Especially after they combed her back hair..
BUFFALOES 34-14
Ouachita Baptist at Arkansas Monticello
My loyalties are torn in this game….
I know that Bo knows Weevils but…
I’m a Baptist
GOTCHA BAPTIST 34-17
North Carolina at Virginia
I know the Heels of Tar have let me down the past couple of weeks…
Not so much this week
TAR HEELS 28-17
Memphis at Navy
This game has all the makings of a wild shoot-out
Don’t leave your seat…
GO NAVY 44-41
Illinois at Michigan
Considering Illinois was soundly defeated last week by the residents of the Wrinkled Ranch Assisted Living Facility in Joliet, Illinois….
This one won’t even be close..
WOLVERINES 49-10
North Greenville at North Alabama
The Lions of Florence desperately need this win to stay in the hunt for a championship..
I have faith
FLORENCE LIONS 41-38
Purdue at Nebraska
I’m not saying that the Boilermakers have a bad football team…
No, that’s exactly what I am saying actually
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 44-21
Texas Christian at West Virginia
Nothing so eloquently states the beauty of Autumn in Morgantown quite like….
The smoldering aroma of burning couches….
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-31
Texas A&M at Alabama
Two undefeated teams face off in Tuscaloosa….
It’s going to be a tussle from start to finish
CRIMSON TIDE 38-34
Eastern Michigan at Western Michigan
The Eagles get plucked, Film at Eleven…
BRONCOS 44-17
Utah at UCLA
So, Two Utes walk into a bar with a bear drinking beer….
Stop me if you have heard this one before
TWO UTES 38-17
Middle Tennessee at Missouri
“IF” the Blue Raiders of Tennessee beat Missouri…
I am going to roll around on the floor and howl like a lemur monkey on crack
MO’S TIGERS 28-27
Colorado State at UNLV
They say “What Happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”
Too bad they won’t be able to keep this ass kicking to themselves
RAM TOUGH 41-21
Charlotte at Marshall
Poor Charlotte….
She has been smacked around more than Tina Turner….
(That was an “Ike” joke in case you missed the reference)
WE ARE MARSHALL 44-10
Arkansas at Auburn
This game on the Beautiful Plains of Alabama…
Will be close…
For awhile, then it’s all…
RAZORBACKS 34-24
Oregon State at Washington
This message and subsequent pick have been approved by my Black Lab “Doc”
HUSKIES 44-24
Old Dominion at Western Kentucky
I can’t help but wonder if somewhere out there…
Is a college called “New Dominion”
Wait, that sounded like a boy band from the Dominican Republic
(Never mind)
HILLTOPPERS 38-17
East Carolina at Cincinnati
I have no rational reason for picking Cincinnati in this contest..
other than I really like Gold Star Chili
(Don’t judge me, please)
BEARKATS 31-24
Houston at Southern Methodist
My Poor Ponies….
COUGARS 44-17
Michigan State at Maryland
The leading causes of seizures according to the American Medical Association
1. ESPN’s Beth Mowins nasally voice from Hell…
2. The Maryland Turtles football uniforms..
SPARTANS 31-21
Mississippi State at Kentucky
My Black Lab “Doc” is giving me “That Look”
It either means “pick the dogs” or he wants a treat…
I am going to play it safe…
And go with both
BULLY DOGS 34-31
Tennessee State at Vanderbilt
This game could easily be titled…
“The Battle for Music City”
But instead we will just call it what it is…
Vanderbilt’s Homecoming Game
COMMODORES 24-17
Georgia Southern at New Mexico State
The Boys from Statesboro….
Are going to introduce the Aggies to a South Georgia Ass Whipping
SOUTHERN EAGLES 38-17
Ohio State at Penn State
O’ Yeah, this one will be close…
Not
BUCKEYES 44-10
Oklahoma at Texas Tech
The Mighty Sooners will be Booming…
Believe it
BOOMER DAMN SOONERS 49-28
Ole Miss at LSU
This old Southeastern Conference rivalry has a name…
It’s called the “Magnolia Bowl”
In case you were wondering what that actually is….
It’s a stadium full of people that hate each other
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 34-31
Washington State at Arizona State
I am going with Coach Mike’s Big Cats in this one…
Not that I care one way or another
COUGARS 31-28
Next Week…
Your Week 9 College Football Picks will be out early next week along with another great article by Harley.
So Stay Tuned…
One More Thing…
The final touches to my book cover are almost complete and we should be on track for the release of “Sunnyside Up” after Thanksgiving.
Thank you all for your encouragement, support and advice.
I am almost there…
Thank you
Enjoy your weekend
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD