Ladies and Gentlemen –
Just in time for Christmas and arriving pre-packaged for your viewing pleasure is Part I of the 2014 College Football Bowl Picks.
There will be a wide variety of gifts and disturbing stocking stuffers in the form of this week’s Email Q and A
And a few other surprises too, so let’s get to it
Before we get into these weeks offerings, I know that many of you are stressed out this Christmas season, with visiting relatives that are certain to clog one or more of your toilets while bringing casserole’s that were once frozen in the late 80’s.
If that isn’t enough, the College Football Bowl season can be quite perplexing with the myriad of sponsorships, names, locations and teams.
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator can’t (and won’t) help you unclog your toilets that Uncle Todd destroyed, but I will help guide you through the confusing maze of the 2014 College Football Bowl Season.
Consider it your personal Christmas present from The CFB Wizard….
Speaking of Christmas, it is incumbent upon me to issue this “Safety Tip” to all you busy shoppers this time of year. It’s easy to lose ones bearings with all the hustle and bustle as we get closer and closer to Christmas.
So in the event, “hypothetically” speaking
That you are in your favorite shopping mall and what would appear to be one of Santa’s little helpers dressed up in their little green and red elf uniform smelling like old cheese and cheap whiskey approaches you and asks “If you would like to have a free Christmas summer sausage?”
Do not under ANY circumstances reach into his pants pocket, just turn around and call the nearest policeman
And before you ask, “NO” I don’t want to talk about it
Enjoy Your Bowl Picks…
EMAILS OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Infidel Wizard
We have read the Democrat Senators CIA Report on the torture and inhumane treatment of our Muslim Brothers that were captured in the Jihad against your vile and evil nation.
The Torture of our Brothers is despicable and unforgiveable!
Keeping them awake and pouring the water on them!
HORRIBLE!
We have more to say on this subject but we are going out to rape a bunch of children and mutilate some women and then behead everyone in a village that refuses to acknowledge Mohammad as the messenger and prophet of Peace.
Sincerely –
ISIS
PS: We Hope you die a thousand deaths
A: May you all be forced to listen to ESPN “commentator” Beth Mowin’s voice until your ears bleed and your heads ignite in a fiery inferno
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
After following your website for some time I am assuming that once again we can expect some sappy rendition of “The Christmas Story”, with references to cute little angels like Clarence in “It’s a wonderful life” doing “good deeds” to earn their angels wings.
Stick to college football and drop the modern mythology
Charles – St Paul, Minnesota
A: My, my aren’t we full of the “Bah Humbugs” this Christmas
Let’s attempt to address your issues here one at a time….
I am not quite sure what you meant by the reference of “modern mythology”, but suffice to say that God’s Angels are not the sweet, charming, bumbling characters that Hollywood would led us to believe.
They are, in a word….
God’s Military
That’s why they were sent to guard His Son in Bethlehem, and “IF” you don’t believe that; then read the Book for yourself.
Almost every time “Angels” show up, something gets destroyed and catches on fire
If that doesn’t sound like a bunch of Marines, then I don’t know what does
Q: O-M-G O-M-G Mister Wizard!
I know YOU don’t like him….(Frowny Face!)
But I heard that Kenny Chesney will surprise everyone by playing at the Music City Bowl, in Nashville this year!
O-M-G I am so excited! (Smiley Face!!!)
Can you confirm if that rumor is true! (Smiley Face!!)
Thank you!
Rebecca – Smyrna, Tennessee
A: I think you got your facts wrong here Rebecca…..
Kenny Chesney is “not” going to be playing at the Music City Bowl…
He will be “coming out of the closet”…..
That is two entirely different things
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
My family and I were in Gatlinburg last week and made the trip over to a shopping mall in Knoxville for some last minute shopping etc.
We couldn’t help but notice that the mall Santa, along with his “little helpers”, was quite animated and vocal about “Not” using the traditional Christmas greeting of “Ho-Ho-Ho”.
Do you have any insight on this phenomenon?
Thanks
Harlan Pepper and Family – Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: The answer is quite simple actually….
There is a local Knoxville ordnance that prevents the use of the traditional Christmas greeting of “Ho-Ho-Ho”. This is due in large part to each time that phrase is said aloud in the Knoxville area there will seemingly appear out of nowhere three scantly clad women smelling like meth and onions.
It’s for your own safety
Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
I know Christmas is almost here, but I wanted to encourage you to go to Dollywood this year and see the “Nutcracker”, it’s an incredible production!
We hope you see it, you won’t be disappointed!
Thanks for all the picks this year, we really enjoyed them!
The Davis family – Jackson, Tennessee
A: Thank you Davis family, for those kind words, however…
I refuse to see the “Nutcracker” because it makes me uncomfortable for reasons that should be abundantly obvious.
In fact I am feeling rather uncomfortable right now just writing about it…
Q: Mister Wizard –
First we want to thank you for a year of prognostications and humor!
Secondly I was wondering if you could settle a little bet in our family this Christmas.
What is your favorite Christmas movie? Is it “It’s a Wonderful Life” or is it “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase? (Those are the two choices we came up with)
Can you settle the bet for us; a fruit cake hangs in the balance.
The Roger’s Family – Conway, Arkansas
A: Thank you for the kind and generous words Roger’s Family….
My two favorite Christmas Classics are Billy Jack and anything with Chuck Norris.
I believe if Chuck Norris would have roundhouse kicked Mr. Potter in the first ten seconds of “It’s a Wonderful Life” there wouldn’t have been any need for Clarence the Angel to go through all that butt pain to get his wings.
THE BOWL GAMES
Saturday December 20
THE PRAIRIE BELT SAUSAGE BOWL
I have but one thing to say about this bowl game….
If that kid on the label knew what was in those things he wouldn’t be smiling
R&L CARRIERS NEW ORLEANS BOWL
Nevada vs. Louisiana-Lafayette
This Bowl game sponsor in the Big Easy appears to be promoting some sort of flu virus
I don’t know what an “R&L Carrier” is, but I want to sneeze just thinking about it
RAJUN CAJUNS 38-34
GILDAN NEW MEXICO BOWL
Utah State vs. Texas El Paso
In beautiful Albuquerque, New Mexico….
To the best of my knowledge this bowl game is being sponsored by a large lizard
Which is weird….
AGGIES 34-17
THE VIENNA SAUSAGE BOWL
Sponsored by the Dahlonega Georgia Chamber of Commerce
This Bowl game matches two teams…..
That are much like Vienna sausages; you are never really quite sure what they are made of and when left out in the sun too long they will start to smell like grandma’s old slippers.
Kentucky Wildcats and Army Black Knights
THE PURINA MONKEY CHOW BOWL
Located in semi-scenic Des Moines Iowa…
I really don’t have a lot of information on this bowl game….
I just like saying “Purina Monkey Chow”…
It’s fun to say even when you’re alone
ROYAL PURPLE LAS VEGAS BOWL
Utah vs. Colorado State
I cannot believe the haughtiness of this bowl game sponsor….
“Royal” Purple, like it couldn’t be just regular ole run of the mill purple!
What do they expect us to do here, bow and say “All Hail Royal Purple!”
This is just arrogant
TWO UTES 41-28
IDAHO POTATO BOWL
Western Michigan vs. Air Force
Before you even ask…..
“Yes” this bowl game will be played on that hideous blue football field in Boise Idaho
But on the plus side…The Bowl mascot looks like a turd in a sock
FALCONS 41-38
RAYCOM MEDIA CAMELLIA BOWL
South Alabama vs. Bowling Green
This bowl game is played in Beautiful Montgomery Alabama….
There are some BBQ Joints in that area that are so good you would slap your mama
FALCONS 31-28
Monday December 22
MIAMI BEACH BOWL
Brigham Young vs. Memphis
Since this game is in Miami Beach….
Shouldn’t Crockett and Tubbs be there for the toss of the coin?
It’s a legitimate question…
COUGARS 28-24
Tuesday December 23
THE WOLF BRAND CHILI BOWL
Sponsored by the Texarkana Chili Cook-off Association
Much like the earlier Vienna Sausage Bowl, you don’t really know what goes into making this delicacy, other than grease, more grease and a pinch of more grease.
But it does look like it’s already been eaten once…
I forgot where I was going with this one…
Tulane Green Wave and Vermont Poop Weasels
BOCA RATON BOWL
Marshall vs. Northern Illinois
In case you are confused by the title sponsor for this bowl let me explain….
“Boca Raton” is really just a fancy way of saying “Miami”
The residents feel aloof because they can say “We live in Boca”
I hope that cleared up any confusion you might have had
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-31
SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION POINSETTIA BOWL
Navy vs. San Diego State
If you think this title sponsorship is long…..
You should have seen the “earlier” submission for the bowl sponsorship
“The Rainbow Diversity Legal Marijuana Gridlock Traffic Outrageous Taxes Everybody Recycle Protest The Military and Police Mudslides and Earthquake Bowl” sponsored by Zima and the Banana Republic
MIDSHIPMEN 28-17
Wednesday December 24
POPEYES BAHAMAS BOWL
Central Michigan vs. Western Kentucky
This bowl game confuses me…..
Popeye’s chicken is sponsoring a bowl game in the Bahamas?
As in Nassau Bahamas?
Fried Chicken and the Bahamas…Doesn’t go together
Sorry…..
HILLTOPPERS 33-17
HAWAI’I BOWL
Fresno State vs. Rice
Ah beautiful swanky Honolulu Hawaii…..
I thought about attending this Bowl game
But my grass skirt is still in the cleaners
BULLDOGS 24-14
THE LAMISIL TOE FUNGUS MONSTER BOWL
Located in dismal Septic Tank New York…..
This bowl game highlights two teams that looked ugly and gross all year….
Just like that nasty toe fungus monster on the commercials
(Sorry for the visual)
Vanderbilt Commodores and Michigan Wolverines
Friday December 26
ZAXBY’S HEART OF DALLAS BOWL
Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech
Now we are talking…..
Fried Chicken, Dallas Texas…..
Those two things go together like peanut butter and jelly
BULLDOGS 24-17
QUICK LANE BOWL
Rutgers vs. North Carolina
This Bowl game in “Detroit” is accurately named….
When driving in or around Detroit, you better be in the “Quick Lane”
Or you will be carjacked quicker than you can say “carjacked”
TAR HEELS 28-17
BITCOIN ST. PETERSBURG BOWL
North Carolina State vs. Central Florida
I am not quite sure what a “Bitcoin” actually is….
But it sounds like what happens when a mosquito bite gets infected
O’ SO very GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-24
Saturday December 27
MILITARY BOWL PRESENTED BY NORTHROP GRUMMAN
Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech
Shouldn’t there be at least “one” military school in this bowl?
I’m just saying….
BEARKATS 28-14
HYUNDAI SUN BOWL
Arizona State vs. Duke
I liked this Bowl game in El Paso a lot better when it was sponsored by..
“Vitalis”
That stuff was unbelievably versatile….
You could use it to slick your hair back and make a daiquiri or a margarita out of it…
Don’t judge me, I didn’t say that it tasted good
SUN DEVILS 41-28
THE FLEET ENEMA BOWL
Sponsored by Fleet Enemas and Colon Blow
Hershey Pennsylvania
This game is reserved for teams that blew it out their butt all year
Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Colorado Buffalos
DUCK COMMANDER INDEPENDENCE BOWL
Miami (FL) vs. South Carolina
In beautiful Shreveport Louisiana……
I don’t care if it’s not the “Weed Eater Bowl” anymore….
I like those Duck Boys
GAMECOCKS 34-31
NEW ERA PINSTRIPE BOWL
Boston College vs. Penn State
This bowl game will take place in Bronx New York…At Night
With that in mind I suggest calling this Bowl Game
“We Just stripped your car while you were at the game Bowl”
NITTANY LIONS 24-21
NATIONAL UNIVERSITY HOLIDAY BOWL
Nebraska vs. Southern California
I’m confused…..
Is the message here “National University is on Holiday Break”?
Is that supposed to be some kind of “Breaking News” story?
This is just stupid
CORNHUSKERS 28-24
Next Week….
Part II of Your 2014 College Football Bowl Picks will be out on Monday December 29th
But in the meantime
There will be several Christmas stories for you on The CFB Wizard and at Mikerights.com to provide you ample Christmas spirit and cheer before the big day arrives. I hope you enjoy them…
And what would Christmas be without a “special” Christmas message from the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan Mr. Hootie Snitch? Its on the way…..
There will be something posted on both sites nearly every day leading up to Christmas
So Stay Tuned….
One More Thing….
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD