Ladies and Gentlemen –
It’s that wonderful time of year….
The sights and sounds of Christmas are in the air….
And the College Bowl Season begins in earnest
Far be it from me to point out that…
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 3 and 0 last weekend…..
Or to even mention that the CFB Wizard picked over 900 games this season
Finishing the 2013 College Football Season at 739 and 176 or 81%
(Please don’t use such words as “amazing” or “phenomenal” it will only embarrass me)
We have a myriad of games to discuss in this first installment of your 2013 Bowl Picks
But before we get to the Bowl Games….
I feel under some obligation as a celebrity to provide you all with a Christmas Safety Tip
If you are out shopping, be it the mall or wherever…..
“If” you are approached by what would appear to be one of Santa’s “Little” Elves….
(Beware: Midgets will disguise themselves this time of year as “elves” to steal your children’s souls and to put the dirty stink eye on adults)
If that little individual smells of Southern Comfort and a Pepperidge Farm’s Cheese Ball and he offers to let you see his “candy cane”
Immediately turn around and find a law enforcement officer and report the disgusting display …
And before you ask….
“NO” I don’t want to talk about it….
Enjoy Your Bowl Picks…
EMAIL OF THE WEEK
Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
We have a bet here at the office and so our question is this…
What’s your favorite Christmas Movie?
I am betting that it is “It’s a Wonderful Life”
Am I right????
Thank you for all the great picks this year!
Darla – Kansas City, Missouri
A: Thank you Darla for your kind words….
My Favorite Christmas Movie is….
“Smokey and the Bandit” it’s like “It’s a Wonderful Life”
Except it has a Pontiac Trans-Am in it….
Other than that the movies are nearly identical
THE 2013 COLLEGE BOWL PICKS PART I
Thursday December 19
The Manti Teo Imagine One Bowl
This inaugural bowl, sponsored by defense contractor, Imagine One, and named for famous “Imagineer” Manti Teo, will be played in South Bend Indiana, at Notre Dame Stadium.
What better backdrop for a game with two teams of Imaginary Gladiators than in the home stadium of a team whose egos and imaginations led them to think that they were actually capable of being competitive in the 2012 National Championship.
The stadium should be rocking as fans ready themselves to be let down by two imaginary Warriors of the Apparition World, The Ole’ Missouri Fightin’ Red Rocks taking on the defending National Champion University of Alabama-Bayou La Batre Cuttlefish .
The Bowl Committee for the Manti Teo Imagine One Bowl is eager to raise the excitement to a whole new level as they take to Twitter and Facebook and other online sources to tout the imaginary players and their stats in a game that will not long be forgotten.
The Milli Vanilli Bowl
These two teams were chosen because they appeared to have faked it all year….
(Girl you know it’s true……)
Illinois and California
EDITORS NOTE: If that horrible song is now stuck in your head I deeply apologize
Friday December 20
The Silicon Valley Bowl
Sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
Los Angeles, California
These two stalwart programs were selected for this bowl game because although they appear to have a real football program from a distance, they just don’t look right once they are viewed up close.
Tennessee and Colorado
The Affordable Care Act Bowl
This battle of teams’ whose coaches are on the hot seat to be played in the Motor City of Detroit will lay waste to the claim that “If you like your coach, you can keep him.”
Although the online ticket website has been having a few little “glitches”, according to the sponsors, your personal and financial information is safe and you SHOULD have your tickets “sometime” after game day or at least before December 31st.
In the event that the glitches aren’t worked out by then the Bowl President has stated that they will delay the game by one month but will definitely play the Bowl game no later than the first week of June 2014.
Saturday December 21
The Medicinal Marijuana Denver Bowl
Sponsored by Cheeto’s and Pizza Hut
This inaugural bowl celebrating the legalization of Pot in Colorado sponsored by Medical Marijuana, Inc and THCbiz.org, is to be played Denver’s Sports Authority Field, giving new meaning to the term “Mile High” Stadium.
Participants will be screened by physicians to uncover any malady they may have and then given sample packets contributed by the various Medical Marijuana sponsors.
The winner of the competition will receive the Bob Marley Memorial Trophy, which is actually an enormous hookah pipe and will be packed with award winning strains of the smoky substance made famous in Mr Marley’s lyrical expressions.
I just totally forgot who was playing in this game….
The Gildan New Mexico Bowl
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Washington State and Colorado State
Have you seen the “award” for this bowl game?
It looks like a painted chamber pot…..
RAM TOUGH 34-31
The M.C. Hammer Bowl
Pine Bluff, Arkansas
In the words of that great 20th Century Urban philosopher M.C. Hammer…
“You can’t touch this”……
(Frankly I don’t want too either…..)
Kansas and The Ivy League
The Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl
Las Vegas, Nevada
Fresno State and Southern California
O’ No Not the “Royal” Purple!
(Like they couldn’t have just picked good ole ordinary purple)
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Buffalo and San Diego State
Have you seen the potato “mascot” for this bowl game?
It looks like a turd in a sock…..
R & L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
The Big Easy….
Tulane and Louisiana Lafayette
With the cold and flu season upon us….
I am disturbed by a bowl game with “carrier” in the name, I’m just saying….
RAJUN CAJUNS 34-31
Sunday December 22
The Sham Wow Bowl
This Bowl game is appropriately named for two teams….
That need something “extra strong” to wipe away the stain of the 2013 season……
Florida and Southern Miss
The Morton’s Salt Gunny Bowl All Star Classic
Played at Camp Lejeune’s historic Liversedge Field, this memorable game will feature some of the best and brightest athletes of college football in the “Mother of all All Star” Games.
Coaches and Referees will be Active Duty and Retired Marine Gunnery Sergeants who have endured the blood sweat and tears of unending deployments and are just itching to whip these wimpy, pampered, civilian athletes into fighting shape.
In this game there is no such thing as a “defenseless receiver”.
Hits above the shoulders are not only encouraged, but rewarded with lustful cheers from the troops in the stands. Offsides? Delay of Game? No problem.
As Head Referee R. Lee Ermy puts it…..
“Just drop and give me 20 sissy boy!”
Monday December 23
The Beef O’ Brady’s Bowl
St. Petersburg, Florida
East Carolina and Ohio
I am still somewhat baffled how a bowl game is sponsored by a male stripper
(Cue the stripper music…)
The Old English Crips and Bloods Bowl
This matchup was a natural evolution of and inspired by the movie “Longest Yard.”
This eagerly anticipated grudge match will pit two of the baddest boys of the hood against each other in a game to determine the bragging rights, street cred, and supremacy of The Gangland Football Conference.
This year, the number one and undefeated Gangster Disciples will be taking on the upstart Aryan Nation in a blood feud not seen since the legendary Crips vs Blood game of 2005 which left 3 dead and 16 wounded.
The Aryan Nation, while short on skill position players, brings a brutal ground and pound game to the table while the Gangster Disciples have the players to cut and slash anyone or anywhere on the field.
Spectators are advised (and encouraged)….
To wear neutral colors if not affiliated with any of the groups represented.
Tuesday December 24
The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Boise State and Oregon State
I would feel better about this game if it was called….
“The Dog the Bounty Hunter Bowl”
The Ocmulgee River, Muddy Water Bowl
Played in Macon, Georgia, hometown of Duane and Greg Allman, the ORMWR will feature two teams who would otherwise not have had a prayer at making the post season.
Winless is the way to go in this one as popular Allman Brothers hits befitting the teams woeful records will be played over the stadium’s loudspeaker system.
Commemorating the teams will be popular ballads such as “Whipping Post”, “Ramblin’ Man”, and if Florida is invited their 2013 anthem, “Statesboro Blues”.
Wednesday December 25
Vanilla Ice Bowl
Yankton South Dakota
I don’t know who is playing in this game I just like saying “Yankton”
(It’s a fun word to say even when you’re alone…)
Purina Monkey Chow Bowl
Des Moines Iowa
These two teams were selected for this bowl game for one important reason….
They both play football like wet dog food smells…..
(Sorry for the visual)
Purdue and Army
Thursday December 26
The Little Caesars Bowl
Detroit (Yes I said “Detroit”) Michigan
Pittsburgh and Bowling Green
A bowl game in Detroit?
Shouldn’t this be named the “Drive-By Shooting and Metropolitan Bankruptcy Bowl”
(It would be far more appropriate, wouldn’t you say?)
The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
San Diego, California
Utah State and Northern Illinois
The name of this bowl game is terribly confusing and doesn’t represent southern California in any way shape or form….
How about this…….
“The Illegal Alien Gridlock Traffic Mudslides Wildfires Earthquakes Insane Taxes and Diversity and Rainbow Flags We Hate the Police and the Military and Save the Earth and the Whales and please continue to reelect a complete dumbass like Nancy Pelosi Bowl”
I would call it the “WTF Dumbass Bowl” for short….
But that’s just me…
Friday December 27
The Military Bowl
Marshall and Maryland
Let me be sure I have this right…..
This is the “military” bowl, right?
But there aren’t any military schools in the bowl, right?
Yeah that makes perfect sense….
WE ARE MARSHALL 28-24
The Texas Bowl
Syracuse and Minnesota
I am all about the Lone Star State…..
In fact I am writing this piece standing up out of respect for my adopted land…
Why you might ask?
Because I know the “Eyes of Texas” are upon me…
O’ SO GOLDEN GOPHERS 31-17
Fight Hunger Bowl
San Francisco, California
Brigham Young and Washington
I am very disappointed in the name of this Bowl game…..
It does not represent San Francisco or its culture….
I would name it…..
“If you drop your wallet here, you better kick it to Sacramento before you pick it up Bowl”
Hey, it’s accurate if nothing else…
Hasbro Sock Monkey Bowl
Fort Wayne Indiana
Kentucky and Kentucky
This unusual paring, pits Kentucky against “itself”…
In the hopes they can finally claim a Southeastern Conference victory…
However in a strange twist of fate, I predict they will lose to each other….
Saturday December 28
New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Bronx, New York
Rutgers and Notre Dame
They should have named this bowl game in the Bronx….
“While you are at the game we are vandalizing your vehicle Bowl”
FIHGIGHTNING ISIRISRSH 31-17
The Belk Bowl
Charlotte, North Carolina
Cincinnati and North Carolina
What the hell is a Belk?
Don’t they mean “belt”?
That still doesn’t make any sense….
The Russell Athletic Bowl
Miami (FL) and Louisville
There is no finer athletic gear on the planet….
All made by the fine people in the Great State of Alabama
STRONGER CARDINALS 28-24
Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl
Michigan and Kansas State
When I first read this Bowl sponsor I thought….
So Wynonna Judd has Wings?
After further investigation I realized that my fears were unfounded….
It’s a sports bar thingy….
WILD BILL’S CATS 34-31
I will have a few more Christmas stories that I hope you will all enjoy….
And before New Years there will be Part II of the Bowl Predictions….
So stay tuned…
Enjoy Your Bowl Games
THE CFB WIZARD