Ladies and Gentlemen –
I was going to begin these Halloween Picks with something cheesy like….
“The CFB Wizard Spook-Tacular Picks of the Week!”
(But it sounded too much to me like testicular something or another)
Or maybe utilize some Vincent Price worded sound effects with…
“Don’t be frightened, this week’s picks will be Scream-a-licious!”
(But that sounded too weird even for me)
So I will keep it simple….
It’s time for your “Trick or Treat” Picks of the Week…
No need to worry…
These goodies will not need to be x-rayed and you can share them with just about everybody and for the most part they won’t stick to your teeth or taste like your grandmother’s hemorrhoid medicine. .
But before we talk about this week…….
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 54 and 9 or 86%
(Please don’t call me a genius it just embarrasses me)
Certainly I missed out on the “winner” of the Cereal Bowl and the Goat Trophy
And a few others as well….
But overall for the season The CFB Wizard is 491 and 104 or 83%
And some of you didn’t think the “Velveeta in the Shoes” trick actually worked..
Enjoy your games….
HALLOWEEN SAFETY TIP
As Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator I understand that I have an obligation to provide sound advice and helpful safety tips for you during these confusing and hectic times.
It can be a dangerous world out there…..
And I am here to help guide you through those treacherous waters of Halloween
Please remember that hundreds of children disappear during the night of Halloween and your children should be closely supervised at all times.
You are probably familiar with the legend of the Great Pumpkin…
What you may not know is that the Great Pumpkin is actually former Tennessee Volunteer Football coach Phil Fulmer and during this seemingly harmless time of the year, he will rise out of the pumpkin patch to eat unsuspecting children.
He may be disguised as an oversized Krispy Kreme Bear Claw or a 1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme with a Landau roof, smelling like powdered sugar or maple syrup.
The Tennessee Highway Patrol has issued a recent picture (Seen Below) of Phil “The Great Pumpkin” Fulmer preparing to devour a young child.
The other photographs are too gruesome to have on here and I don’t want to leave anyone traumatized, so please be careful and protect your children.
In the “unlikely” event you think you are being approached by Phil “The Great Pumpkin” Fulmer please practice this one safety tip and it will save your life.
When you get a whiff of powdered sugar and are approached by what could be Phil “The Great Pumpkin” Fulmer do not run, scream or attempt to flee in any way or yell for your parents.
Simply stop walking, smile and say these two very simple words loudly
SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS
Greetings from the heart of SEC Country!!!
The Gladiators of South 3rd finally got things back on track on Saturday night as they put a good ole’ fashioned shellacking on the toothless Hounds of Lanier County by a 39-6 score. The Boys in Blue racked up over 400 yards of offense with Jr QB Kevin Clark leading the way by tossing for 232 yards and 4 scores. Drew Williams and Rodney Woods kicked in a touchdown a piece to round out the scoring. Said Coach Burleson, “We got some kinks worked out and played some good, hard nosed Telfair Football. That’s how we’re supposed to do it.” Next up for Telfair is a trip through the Okefenokee as the Trojans take on the swamp dwellers of Folkston in still another tough Region 2-A matchup.
The Rambling Wreck took their show on the road as they travelled to Charlottesville, Va to take on the Knights of the Commonwealth in an ACC Coastal showdown. Despite their best efforts at snatching victory from the jaws of defeat the Trade School came away with a 35-25 victory. The Bees gave up over 370 yards through the air and generously shared the ball with their hosts to the tune of 5 turnovers. Sloppy ain’t going to get you very far but at least they got back on the winning side of things. In an unexpected turn of events, the Statesboro Avians traveled to Boone, NC to take on their homestanding Mountain Men at the Rock. They came away with a 38-14 loss and a sprained ankle by Eagle QB Jerrick McKinnon. The do-everything quarterback went down in the first quarter and the Birds couldn’t muster much of a threat after that. The injury bug has hurt these Eagles hard. Up in Athens, the Pups spent the off week licking their wounds, trying to get healthy, and preparing for the Lizards of Gainesville at the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. I’m sure Coach Richt and Bobo will come up with a trick or two for the Lizards as they attempt to mix up a winning formula and get back in the win column
Over on the Plains, the Cats of Auburn kept up their winning ways as they came away with a 45-10 victory over Florida Atlantic. They are definitely making a run this year. Over in Oxford, the Insurgents of Mississippi dropped the Vandals of Idaho by a 59-14 score. Looks like they’re going to have a pretty good season after a shaky interlude over the middle part of the season. The Pullets of the Piedmont came away with a win by the skin of their teeth on Saturday, but not before extending their run of futility to 6 quarters against the Cats of the wrong Columbia. Dylan Thompson came up empty in the first half but Connor Shaw miraculously came on in relief in the second and put a spark in the beaks of the Chickens and led them to victory. Next up for these Yard Birds is a meeting with the Mangy Mutts of Starkville in the Cozy Confines of Williams-Brice stadium. Finally, after a little excitement in Knoxville, the Elephants of Alabama stampeded Butch Jones Mountain men to the tune of 45-10. It was over after the 1st quarter.
That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.
Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
NEBRASKA: I hate to say this to my Cornhusker Faithful….
But Bo has got to go….
OREGON: I never (ever) thought I would find myself agreeing with anything from the Land of NIKE Quack.
Until this week….
Several former Oregon Duck players have come out and stated that…
“It is my belief that Duck fans, particularly the students, have become so self-entitled and spoiled with the team’s success that I often find myself telling people that Oregon has one of the worst student fan bases in the country.”
But the perhaps the best and most damning description comes from this former Oregon Duck player when he wrote
“My friend and I took our seats where I soon became acquainted with the most ignorant people in all of college football. Directly behind me were a couple of drunk (expletive) who criticized Marcus’ (Mariota) ability to throw the football, DeAnthony’s (Thomas) ability to run the football, the lineman’s ability block, and the coach’s ability to analyze film and call plays.
After hearing so much ignorant (expletive), I turned around to tell the “fans” to chill the (expletive) out. Marcus had overthrown a receiver on a tough play and the spectator made comment, “Hey, Marcus! Throw it inbounds, dumbass!” in, which I finally had enough, and turned around and asked if he would like to get down there and take Marcus’ place. The man responded, “No”. Then I asked if we were all still rooting for Oregon, in which he responded in an aggressive, irrelevant and incoherent manner and so I decided to discontinue the conversation I had started with him.
“I was then verbally attacked by other spectators saying, “you need to keep your (expletive) mouth shut, because you don’t know (expletive) about football.”
“I will always love the ducks: my coaches, my teammates, my brothers and family. The rest… Go (expletive) yourselves.”
EDITORS NOTE: Enough said…..
MILITARY ACADEMY FOOTBALL: Although the Military Service Academy Football programs have not played well this year, especially West Points.
Its worth noting that the West Point “Sprint Football” Team is not only undefeated but last Saturday defeated a previously undefeated Navy Midshipmen team 17-7 and with that the Black Knights are certain to win the Sprint Football Championship this year.
If you are unaware of what Sprint Football entails, enjoy the short video below
Congratulations West Point, you might want to pass along a few tips to “winning” to your varsity colleagues
TENNESSEE:: I typically don’t respond to nasty emails I receive in this forum.
But in last week’s case I will make an exception.
Many of you might have seen the pictures of the large “rock” at the University of Tennessee last week “defaced” as the newspapers called it with “taunting” phrases etc from what the news media called “Alabama Fans”.
The truth is….
The “defacing” of the rock on the University of Tennessee’s campus was actually done by a fraternity (“No” not the butt chugging one..) in an effort to “inspire” and “anger” their football team to victory over the Mighty Crimson Tide.
Many of you wrote me and were “upset” and “angry” that Alabama fans would have done such a thing and you were quite descriptive in voicing your anger.
Now that the truth is out (Just like I told you it would…)
Let me say this….
I know that you Volunteer Fans believe that Peyton Manning can cure cancer, heal the blind and can’t take a bath because he walks on water.
But I remember him leading the University of Tennessee Marching Band from the Director’s Chair after defeating Alabama….
You may have noticed this past Saturday that Alabama doesn’t do such things
Never has, never will
It isn’t about taunting an opponent before or after a game…
It’s a bout winning and winning with class
(You might want to write that one down, so you don’t forget)
ESPN THURSDAY NIGHT: During last week’s game between Mississippi State and Kentucky ESPN’s Reece Davis repeatedly pointed out the “rule” in the Southeastern Conference concerning utilizing noise makers when the opposing team’s offense takes the field.
In particular the Mississippi State crowds use of cowbells when the Wildcats were on offense. Reece mentioned that the home team “could be penalized” (and that’s true) for the use of “artificial noise makers” as well as for not stopping the “clang-clang-clang” of the cowbells when Kentucky took the field on offense.
However, where was this “rule” when Alabama played AT Kentucky?
So you can’t use cowbells…..
But you can annoy the hell out of everyone with Miley Mo Ho Music?
I don’t get it
COLLEGE MARCHING BANDS: Speaking of the Kentucky “We Don’t Let the Marching Band Do Jack Squat” Wildcats…..
Here is a little “Tip” for you since you have seemed to have forgotten what a college marching band is actually used for…..
Please play close attention to the short video of the Ohio State Marching Band….
You might actually learn something…
TRASH TALKING 101
It has come to my attention that there are certain “rules” to Trash Talking your opponent on the football field. Call it “Trash Talking Etiquette” for the purposes of this segment and we will examine these rules in the coming weeks.
WHAT NOT TO DO
Often times it’s more important to know “What Not to Do” as opposed to stylizing your own interpretation of rules etc.
That being said…..
Last week during the Tennessee – Alabama game as the Crimson Tide executed a flawless 99 and half yard drive to place the ball at the Tennessee one foot line with first and goal, Volunteer Linebacker A.J. Johnson began “taunting” and “trash talking” Alabama Quarterback A. J. McCarron.
This is a very important point in “What Not to Do”
IF you are getting the living hell beaten out of you and the opposing team can cover the football field and score at will.
Just shut up, you will only look like a dumbass….
By the way, Alabama scored a touchdown on the very next play
EMAIL QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Q: Hey there Wizard Man!
Hey what are you going dressed as for Halloween?
Are you going to wear anything Crazy and unusual???????
Elaine – Evansville, Indiana
A: This Halloween, like every other Halloween…
I will be dressed as “Myself”
And around here it doesn’t get any crazier or more unusual than that….
Unless you count the time I had on a Batman mask and I was riding this llama…
Never mind, I don’t want to talk about it
NOTE TO SELF: Don’t sample the first batch of your own “homemade liquor”
Wednesday Oct 30
Cincinnati at Memphis
You may not believe this little factoid….
But I have been 100% on each and every Wednesday night game this year…
I know, “Amazing” right?
Thursday October 31
Rice at North Texas
Who in the heck would give out a rice cake on Halloween?
A health nut, that’s who…
(I’m more of a candy corn kind of a guy myself)
MEAN GREEN 34-28
Louisiana Monroe at Troy
With it being Halloween….
I wonder if any of the ladies at Troy will dress up as “Helen of Troy”
It’s a legitimate question…
MEN OF TROY 31-17
Arizona State at Washington State
I wouldn’t go as far as calling this one an “upset”….
Mild to slightly moderate indigestion caused from eating too much candy perhaps
South Florida at Houston
It’s not often that I pick “Cougars” two games in a row….
But this one of those times…
Friday November 1
Southern California at Oregon State
If the Beavers were going to play on Halloween Night…..
I had prepared the most cleaver, funny and slightly inappropriate comment of the year….
It will have to wait, sorry it’s already November it won’t work now
MIGHTY BEAVERS 28-17
Saturday November 2
Clemson at Virginia
This one has the potential to be uglier than a Hillary Clinton Halloween costume
DABO’S TIGERS 41-14
Furman at Georgia Southern
I know that Furryman is favored in this contest…..
But I have a “feeling” and I am sure that it’s not caused from eating too much candy corn
SOUTHERN EAGLES 28-24
Ohio State at Purdue
This “big” Big Ten (Fourteen something or another) Conference Game…..
Is yet another in the string of “rivalries” in this conference.
This particular game is played for the “Purdue Butt Bucket”
Which, in case you were wondering, has been worn firmly around the Boilermakers heads since 1983
Miami (FL) at Florida State
This matchup in the Sunshine State promises to be a good one…..
Well, that is until immediately after the toss of the coin
JIMBO’S NOLES 44-17
Samford at Citadel
This game has a lot of dogs in it….
So much so that it confused my Black Lab “Doc”
He likes Sammy Davis Jr, so we will go with..
SAMMY DOGS 34-21
Texas El Paso at Texas A&M
The only competition to be found at this game…..
Will be who can find the best parking spot before kickoff
GIG EM AGGIES 41-14
Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
This is going to be an old fashioned West Texas Shootout….
Whoever has the ball last, wins…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 41-38
Dickenson at Muhlenberg
I know, I know….
Emily Dickenson is not only a great poet, but is also a great filed goal kicker…
But I am here to tell you…
That Mule Faced Girl is rougher than a sheet of number 3 sandpaper….
MULE GIRL 28-17
Mississippi State at South Carolina
Coach Steve pulled a huge upset last week over MO’S Tigers…..
He will have the Roosters ready on Saturday against the Bully Dogs
Colorado at UCLA
I don’t think even Wynonna Judd could help the Buffalos….
(Yes, I know, it’s really that bad)
Northwestern at Nebraska
I honestly don’t know which of these teams is playing worse….
This game may end up being like watching two old people fighting at the nursing home..
At first it’s kind of funny, and then it’s just sad
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-17
Chattanooga at Appalachian State
I know us fellow Appalachian Americans need to stick together…..
But Chattanooga is “home” of the Moon Pie
(Don’t judge me, those things are delicious)
MIGHTY MOC’S 28-17
Michigan at Michigan State
The Instate Rivalry Game from the Land of Ted Nugent…
(I Love that guy…)
It’s played for the coveted Paul Bunyan Trophy
Before you ask….
I have no idea who will get the big Blue Ox in this exchange…
Wisconsin at Iowa
These two Old Big Ten (Or possibly Twelve) Rivals go back to 1894….
(No kids that is NOT when Columbus discovered America…)
It’s played for the “Heartland Trophy”
I think they should play for a decorative collection of cheese and pork products
It would be more appropriate….
THE POWER OF CHEESE 31-17
Arkansas State at South Alabama
Call this an “Upset” if you want too…..
But I am of the opinion that the Jaguars from South Alabama are on their way…
Auburn at Arkansas
My Beloved Razorback Faithful…..
I don’t have any better news for you this week either
WAR DAMN EAGLE 34-17
Arizona at California
I would rather stare at an Ant Farm for three hours than watch this game….
ROD’S CATS 38-21
Pittsburgh at Georgia Tech
The only thing that makes this game worth going too is the fact that the “Varsity” is directly across the street from the stadium. They make chili dogs and French fries the way the Good Lord intended. God Bless them…..
YELLOW JACKETS 28-10
Alabama State at Kentucky
It must be “homecoming” in the Bluegrass….
Queue the Miley Mo Ho Rave Music
Hope at Trine
I really Hope Trine wins this time….
Virginia Tech at Boston College
It’s November and Thanksgiving is right around the corner….
Who doesn’t love Turkey?
FIGHTING TURKEYS 31-21
Montana State at Northern Colorado
This is going to be a tussle….
But I have faith in the Big Cats from the Big Sky Country
Tennessee at Missouri
Believe it or not…..
I almost had this one down as my “Upset” Pick of the week….
Don’t be surprised if it happens…
MO’S TIGERS 31-28
North Carolina at North Carolina State
This rivalry on Tobacco Road is always a good one….
This one will be no exception
TAR HEELS 28-24
Wake Forest at Syracuse
Do you really care about this game?
I didn’t think so…
DEMON DEACONS 21-17
Illinois at Penn State
If it wasn’t November I might be inclined to pick the “Fighting Pumpkins”
It isn’t so I won’t….
JOE’S LIONS 28-17
Montana at Sacramento State
There isn’t too many things I don’t love about Montana….
Conversely, there aren’t too many things I like about California
Army at Air Force
Great, just great…..
Two teams that can’t play their way out of a wet paper grocery sack….
This one is a toss up (or throw up) depending on your perspective
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 21-17
Juniata at McDaniel College
I don’t know how to break the news to the Juanita faithful….
I fear J-LO has lost her Mo-Jo…
MICKEY D 21-14
East Carolina and Florida International House of Pancakes
I would go with the Boy’s from I-HOP University here
But I am a Waffle House man from way back
It’s how I Roll
Iowa State at Kansas State
I love this rivalry between these two traditional agricultural schools…
(Wait for it…)
How can you not love that?
My point exactly…
BILL’S WILDCATS 31-24
West Virginia at Texas Christian
I am afraid the Horned Frogs season has jumped off the lily pad….
(I felt it time to weave an amphibian reference into the picks for the general education of the younger readers of this column)
Northern Illinois at Massachusetts
Little Known Fact……
The only birth control device more effective than a Boston accent….
Is a New York accent….
Carson Newman at Lenoir Rhyne
Get it straight people!
It’s “Leann Rimes” NOT Lenoir Rhyne!
Don’t those people know anything?
SPARK’S EAGLES 41-17
Temple at Rutgers
The Owls of Temple……
What can I say that is positive and uplifting?
The Owls don’t suck as bad as they did two weeks ago
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 31-14
Southern Miss at Marshall
It’s the Month that changed Marshall forever
November 14, 1970…..
I haven’t forgotten
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-14
Middle Tennessee at UAB
This one is going to be a shoot out in the Iron City of Birmingham….
However, it will not involve ski masks and or liquor store robberies
(I thought I should make the clarification…)
BLUE RAIDERS 41-38
Western Kentucky at Georgia State
Coach Bobby will have the Big Red Hilltoppers ready this week….
At least I think he will…
Georgia and Florida
They call this….
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
With all the injuries to both of these teams they should rename it this year
“The World’s Largest Sports Orthopedic Surgical and Rehabilitation Clinic”
BIG DAWGS 28-21
Ouachita Baptist at Southern Arkansas
This year the Baptist of Ouachita have converted more people than Bill Graham..
Well, maybe not, but that’s all I had for this pick
GOTCHA BAPTIST 28-24
Navy at Notre Dame
This game will be nationally televised on NBC…..
Which of course stands for…
No Body Cares…
FIGIHTINIG IRSISIH 34-10
Minnesota at Indiana
This ancient rivalry in the Big (We can do simple damn math) Ten Conference…
Is played each year for the coveted “Sombrero of Bacon”
I don’t know about you, but that trophy sounds delicious…
O SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 31-28
Henderson State at Arkansas Monticello
This game is coming on the heels of Halloween; I recommend they call themselves…
“The BOO WEEVILS”…
It’s just a thought…
(That will likely be my last reference to Halloween in these picks)
BO WEEVILS 28-17
Kansas at Texas
Say what you will about Coach Charlie and the Jayhawks of Kansas…
If they are nothing else, they are consistent
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-14
Hawaii at Utah State
This game boils down to two very simple facts….
The Aggies of Utah State are a darn good football team….
And the Rainbows of Hawaii are the exact opposite of that…
Valdosta State at Delta State
There isn’t anything I don’t love about Okra….
Even if it’s “Fighting”
FIGHTING OKRA 34-31
San Jose State at UNLV
Do you know the way to San Jose?
I don’t either but I know you don’t go through Las Vegas to get there…
(I was really good in geography in school in case you were wondering)
JOSE’ CUERVO 34-14
New Mexico State at Louisiana Lafayette
This game is going to be uglier than trying to watch a New Yorker eat crawfish…
RAJUN CAJUNS 44-17
Nevada at Fresno State
My Black Lab “Doc” insists that the Bulldogs will remain undefeated after this game…
West Alabama at North Alabama
Although I believe the Tigers of West Alabama are the better team here..
I cannot pick against my beloved Florence Lions…
Just so you know..
BOBBY’S LIONS 41-38
Boise State at Colorado State
You won’t see the Bronco’s lose this many games ina row for a very long time…
RAM TOUGH 34-17
Enjoy Your Games….
THE CFB WIZARD