College Football Picks Week 4

September 18, 2013
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

After three full weeks of the college football season…..

It’s understandable why so many people are drawn to this sport that we love

It’s the passion of collegiate sports and our affiliations with “that” particular university or state

It’s the pageantry and traditions

It’s the love we have for “our” university that lasts a lifetime…

But I think our love of the “game” is more than just that…

College Football is a lot like life itself

The college football season, much like life itself doesn’t last that long….

Sometimes you win and often times you lose…

Both wins and losses are enjoyed and suffered through for a lifetime

Sometimes you are winning and everything seems to be going your way

Then when you least expect it, some angry midget covered with tattoo’s in Wal-Mart kicks you in the shin just because you asked him……………

“Hey, when you tell stories about when you were a kid do they start out “when I was little….”

And before you ask, “NO” I don’t want to talk about it

But I do have to talk about last week’s games….

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a below average 52 and 13 or 80%

After three weeks that leaves the CFB Wizard at 196 and 36 or 84%

If you are expecting me to make excuses I won’t…

(Not at least for another week or two anyway)

Because it’s like I always say….

“Excuses are like Thai food; before it’s all over you will need extra toilet paper”

Enjoy your games…

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the Heart of SEC Country!!!

It’s another week and another game in the win column for the Boys in Blue. The Trojans took the trip to Baconton and came away with a 47-6 shellacking of the homestanding Blazers. The offense, again led by QB Kevin Clark and Kevin Clay scored through the air and on the ground. Additionally, Freshman Tyrone Taylor got in on the action with 52 yards on 4 carries and a score. The mighty Trojans have outscored Baconton 88-6 over the last two seasons and are 3-0 for the first time since 1994. The season is still young and we haven’t gotten into the region schedule yet, but things are looking good for Coach Burleson’s scrappy team. Next up is a visit from the Yellow Jackets of Southeast Bulloch from region 1-AAA. So mark that on your calendar and come on down to South 3rd Street and cheer on the home team.

The Insects of Tech traveled to Durham to take on the resurgent Devils of Duke in the opening game of their ACC schedule. After a week of rest the Bees banged up the Devils to the tune of 344 yards rushing and 4, that’s right, 4 TD’s through the air. That hasn’t happened since the ’06 Ball to Calvin Johnson days on North Avenue. Next up for the Wreck is a visit by the Heels of North Carolina in a noon showdown in Hot’lanta. Over in Athens Coach Mark Richt’s hounds took a well deserved rest and are preparing for the 2-1 Mean Green of North Texas in a tune up game before the Bayou Bengals pay a visit to Sanford Stadium. I don’t think they’ll take their eye off the ball as there’s too much at stake in their quest for a return engagement with the next door neighbors for SEC supremacy. The Eagles of Statesboro, however, did stub their toe as they came up on the short end of a 30-20 score up in Spartanburg. It was nip and tuck throughout the game but in the end turnovers spelled the end for the Blue Birds of Prey. Next up is an off week and then a visit from the Mocs of Chattanooga to the Prettiest Little Stadium in America. I’m sure Coach Monken will turn things around by then.

The Vols of Tennessee flew out to Eugene, Oregon for a date with the Ducks and it didn’t turn out well. The orange clad mountain men came back black and blue as they were battered by the Western Fowl to the tune of a 59-14 drubbing, their worst since 1910. That burnt smell you might have caught a whiff of coming out of Austin was the Steers getting skewered by the Rebs of Ole Miss, a 44-23 winner over Texas. Hugh Freeze’s mutineers ran for over 270 yards and the Bovine D was gashed in the running game for the second straight week. The grumbling grows louder in Austin. At the Chicken Coop in Columbia, the Roosters of Carolina spurred the Maritimers of Nashville by a 35-25 score to rebound from a week 2 loss to the Red Clay Hounds. Spurrier was happy but it looks like the D is still struggling some with a bunch of newcomers on that side of the ball.

And finally, the Red Elephants of Tuscaloosa took their game on the road to College Station with a grudge match against the Agriculturalists of A&M. Johnny Football was a little chippy with a 14-0, 1st quarter lead, but McCarron and company quickly changed his tune as they reeled off 35 unanswered points and then hung on for the 49-42 win. Saban doesn’t lose the second time around.

And finally, this. Although his team lost, and was most certainly embarrassed by being beaten by an FCS team, K State Coach Bill Self sent a note of congratulations to ND State QB Brock Jensen. Takes a big man to endure the wrath of the fan base and still have the courage to send an opposing player a note like that. I think this act, most certainly, falls into the “Unprovoked Acts of Sportsmanship” category. Good job, coach.

That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.

These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

TAILGATING TIP OF THE WEEK

The Tailgating Tip this week comes from self described “Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!” and our own occasional guest reporter on everything University of Tennessee Volunteers..

Mr. James “Hootie” Snitch of Baneberry Tennessee….

Hey Yawl! It’s ME the Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer on the Damn Planet!

Hootie Snitch!

I was a gonna have my “Possum Surprise” for a Tailgating Tip but decided on a something even better!

Two words for you: SPAM

You get you a good fire going in your grill barrel; use whatever you got, charcoal, wood or some old Reader’s Digests soaked in kerosene.

Then you take you some fresh SPAM right out of the can. Boy that stuff smells like heaven in a can!

It smells better than the inside of my Momma’s purse!

Then you slice it up however you want, thin or thick, it don’t matter, but I like it thick!

Don’t go a scraping that SPAM jelly off of it neither when you get it out of the can!

That’s some fine flavoring right there! I call it SPAM Gravy!

Put that sliced up SPAM on your grill barrel and cook it up however you like it!

You can eat it on a sandwich or use it as Horse Douveres with some cheese spray!

You want to talk about GOOD!

It don’t get no better than that!

Hootie – Out!

EDITORS NOTE: Please note that the CFB Wizard and its staff or sponsors do not endorse this Tailgating “recipe” and are not responsible for any side effects that may result in a reader attempting to either make or consume this “recipe”. Simply put, if you have to wear a leaf bag around your waist to either church on Sunday or work on Monday the CFB Wizard is NOT responsible.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS

CBS SPORTS: In the recent highly touted game between Alabama and Texas A&M, CBS Sports “announcers” Vern “You can’t tell that I’m not wearing pants” Lundquist and Gary “I can’t shut the hell up” Danielson admitted that they both had a full on “Man-Crush” on Johnny Football of Texas A&M.

Said Vern…

”I swear he is the dreamiest thing I have seen since the David Cassidy special edition of Tiger Beat Magazine, that Johnny Football is hotter than a bucket of fire ants”

Said Gary…

“I LOVE him SO Much, I am getting his entire face tattooed across my posterior”

EDITORS NOTE: At least the location of the tattoo will match both the personality of the recipient of the tattoo and the likeness of the person of the tattoo.

CBS SPORTS PART II: As you may have known, CBS Sports devoted a single camera before, during and after the Alabama – Texas A&M game to “Johnny Football”. It has been widely reported that the “missing footage” of what has been described as “Johnny Go Potty” and “Johnny Shower Time” is in the possession of Vern Lundquist and Gary Danielson to be enjoyed during their “private time”.

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: Not since the days of the infamous referee Penn Wagers have I seen such ridiculous, over the top, one -sided preferential treatment given to one team as I witnessed (and occasionally cussed) during the Alabama-Texas A&M game last Saturday.

EDITORS NOTE: Warning for those referees, who I will not name here (yet)

Don’t let that happen again or I will print your names, home addresses and phone numbers.

I’m serious

Johnny Ass Monkey lost, get over it.

ESPN telecast LOUISVILLE-KENTUCKY GAME: For those of you that attempted to actually watch while “listening” to this game on television and are currently either recuperating from “ear rape” or have at the very least stemmed the bleeding from your ear canals, I want to ask this question.

WHY in the name of all that is Holy does ESPN allow Beth Mowins in the announcer’s booth?

In times past I have described her voice as sounding like somebody is neutering a cat with a shrimp fork

And that is true, to be sure….

But the fact is, Beth Mowins voice is nothing short of “Ear Sodomy”

ESPN PART II: On another of the ridiculous half time segments……

Reece Davis presided as a “judge” over a number of topics on college football as the two studio commentators, Mark “My Head Looks Like a Shiny Milk Dud” May and Coach Lou Holtz presented their arguments.

Mark May did his usual character assassination of Coach Mack Brown of Texas, while presenting a few facts etc. of their lackluster performance in the past few years, but that is when things got heated.

Coach Lou Holtz had this to say….

“”The only exercise Mr. May’s gets is jumping to conclusions and running down other people”
“I’m damn sick and tired of people jumping on coaches and you particularly,” Holtz told May. “I mean it.”

He then flipped the podium over and walked off the set……….

For once I agree with Coach Holtz

Good Call Coach…

MICHIGAN: Thanks for scaring the crap out of your faithful and increasing liquor sales all over Ann Arbor

SOUTH ALABAMA: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

The Jaguars are for REAL!

(Yes I said it)

Congratulations on (another) Great win!

LOUISIANA MONROE: Your defeat of the Wake Forest Demon Deacons made me look like a genius

Thank you Warhawks!

MARSHALL: For not the first or the last time I will say this in this column.

DAMN IT!

NEBRASKA: What the Hell Cornhuskers? The game is FOUR Quarters long!

NOT play two Quarters and then call it a day!

YOU are the CORNHUSKERS for GOODNESS sake!

Damn IT!

TEXAS: I am so disappointed, I don’t the words…

TEXAS A&M: O.K. ….

Now sit down and shut the hell up, we are all sick of hearing about Johnny Turd Monkey

THE GAMES

Thursday September 19

Clemson at North Carolina State
I have never seen a Big Cat tree a Wolf….
Until tonight….
DABO’S TIGERS 43-21

West Alabama at Florida Tech
The Tigers of West Alabama are for real this year….
And Tech is within easy driving distance of the World’s Largest Alligator Farm
Which is nice…
BAMA CATS 41-17

Friday September 20

Boise State at Fresno State
This could easy be described as the “Forrest Gump Bowl”
Because with these two teams you never know what you are going to get this year
BRONCO’S 31-28

Saturday September 21

Colorado State at Alabama
Ram’s Coach Jim comes “back” to T-Town to rekindle old friendships and take a butt whipping
Good Times…..
CRIMSON TIDE 43-14

Florida A&M at Ohio State
O.K. so I have to ask…..
When exactly does the Buckeyes “real” season start?
Isn’t it a little late in the day for another cupcake?
BUCKEYES 147-0

Urbana at Shepherd
You know what they say….
“I got your Urbana right here Shepherd boy”
COCO COBANA 28-17

Arizona State at Stanford
This will be the “marquee” game of the week in the PAC-12 Conference..
Which means kickoff is at 0200 EST Sunday Morning
Enjoy….
CARDINAL 31-28

Oklahoma Panhandle State at Montana
The Grizzlies destroyed the Mighty Fighting Sioux last Saturday
They will devour the Panhandlers of Oklahoma this week
Believe it
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 51-10

Southern Methodist at Texas A&M
I can only say…………
My Poor Ponies
AGGIES 51-21

Auburn at LSU
There can only be one “Big” Cat in the Litter Box….
I am going with Mike the Tiger
(O.K. so I like the name, big deal…)
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17

Bethune Cookman at Florida State
For those of you wondering why the “mighty” Seminoles are playing Beth Cookie Man this weekend…
It’s because the Amish Animal Husbandry and Milking Institute had other obligations.
You’re Welcome
JIMBO’S NOLES 145-0

North Texas at Georgia
I refuse to get any more dirty looks this week from my Black Lab “Doc” and my German Sheppard “Sadie” for picking against the Dogs. They still aren’t over my South Carolina pick a week ago.
BIG DAWGS 43-17

Dickenson at Susquehanna
Besides her wonderful poetry, Emily Dickenson was one of the best punters in all of football…
Bet you didn’t know that
SUSIE Q 24-17

Delaware State at North Dakota State
I think this game will be uglier than “Strip Poker Night” at the Nursing Home..
Except….
Without all the naked old people running around yelling about the Japanese Bombing Pearl Harbor
MIGHTY BISON 51-17

Tennessee at Florida
This rivalry game isn’t about trophies and nobody gets to take home a silver cup or a stuffed beaver
This is all about animosity, hate and discontent and it lasts all year long.
Welcome to the Southeastern Conference
MIGHTY GATORS 28-17

Southwest Baptist at Pittsburgh State
Many of you have written and asked why the mascot of Pittsburgh State is called the “Gorillas”
Certainly there are no “gorillas” that are indigenous to the Pittsburgh area or in Pennsylvania
That particular mascot is in reference to the Pittsburgh State Cheerleaders….
Those are the biggest, hairiest girls I have ever seen….
Those gals don’t pluck their eyebrows, they mow them
KING KONG 28-14

Kansas State at Texas
My Dear Longhorn Faithful…..
I wish I had better news
But I don’t
WILDCATS 28-21

Michigan at Connecticut
Little known fact……
Before ESPN Commentator Coach Lou Holtz pronounces “Connecticut Huskies”
The entire ESPN studio crew is required to wear life preservers..
WOLVERINES 38-17

New Mexico State at UCLA
Honestly, I still can’t believe the Bruins beat the Cornhuskers at home….
I can’t accept it
BREW BEARS 41-10

Appalachian State at Elon
I can’t help myself sometimes…
I have a problem with colleges that name themselves something that is hard to pronounce
Is it “E-LON” or “EE-Leon” or what?
Then to make matters worse….
Their athletic logo looks like something off the hood of a 1974 Pontiac Trans-Am.
What’s the deal with these people?
MOUNTAINEERS 38-21

Maine at Northwestern
There is no doubt that Northwestern will win this game….
But look on the bright side Maine…
You will always have Stephen King
WILDCATS 41-10

Idaho State at Washington
Has anybody seen the “State of Idaho” mascot that follows the teams from Idaho around to games?
What it IS; is a potato in what “appears” to be a sweater….
BUT…..
What it looks like is a Turd in a Sock
HUSKIES 43-10

Gettysburg at Juniata
In my house the “G” word is still a dirty word….
Just so you know in case you ever visit
J-LO 31-17

Purdue at Wisconsin
The Boilermakers are to college football…..
What Siegfried and Roy are to America’s Space program
THE POWER OF PROCESSED CHEESE 35-10

South Dakota State at Nebraska
I will boycott all corn products, to include popcorn and homemade liquor if the Cornhuskers don’t win
THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN 41-21

Louisiana Monroe at Baylor
The Boy’s from Monroe will keep this one interesting for a little while….
Then it will be…
DA BEARS 44-21

Shorter at Valdosta State
I don’t believe that Shorter measures up to the Blazers….
I’m just saying
BLAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 51-17

Montana State at Stephen F. Austin
I know, I know…..
The great Stephen F. Austin is the Father of the Republic of Texas….
But I have a feeling here…
BOBCATS 31-28

Utah State at Southern California
I would watch this “exciting” game in the PAC 12 Conference but…..
“How to make Cotton Candy” is on the Food Channel and I can’t miss it
(It’s a mystery that has to be solved)
LAME TROJANS 6-3

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
I am going against my better judgment in this one…
I’m afraid the thought of the heavenly smells of the “Varsity” chili dogs is swaying my pick
YELLOW JACKETS 28-24

West Virginia at Maryland
This one is a toss-up….
Or a “Throw-up” if you are referring to the Maryland multi-colored 70’s linoleum tiled uniforms
MOUNTAINEERS 31-24

Franklin and Marshall at Ursinus
It’s the cold and flu season and I have had too much coffee to drink this morning…
So I am going with
PEE AND SNEEZE 24-17

San Jose State at Minnesota
This game might not be the “gimme game” the groundhogs were looking for….
It could go either way…
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24

Pittsburgh at Duke
Watching these two teams play football…
Is a lot like watching old people eat a cheap steak at Golden Corral..
At first it’s kind of funny, until someone losses their dentures…
(Sorry for the visual)
PANTHERS 24-21

Arkansas at Rutgers
My premise for picking this game is actually quite simple….
1. The Razorbacks are in the Southeastern Conference
2. The Razorbacks are a well coached talented football team
3. Nobody “up north” knows a damn thing about good barbeque
RAZORBACKS 28-17

Misericordia at Lycoming
I don’t know why Cordillera is so Miserable….
Maybe because she is dyslexic
WARRIORS 21-10

Tulane at Syracuse
Please listen closely….
“IF” you honestly care about this game….
“IF” you are actually tailgating at home for this matchup
“IF” you have looked forward to this game all week
PLEASE seek psychiatric help IMMEDATELY!
ORANGE 31-17

Cincinnati at Miami (OH)
I am sure that this is some sort of “rivalry” game in the Buckeye state..
But I honestly don’t care
BEARKATS 24-21

Delta State at North Alabama
Two Powerhouse Football Programs
Two Great Coaches
Two Teams with a History of Winning Championships
One Game…
FLORENCE LIONS 34-31

Kent State at Penn State
I was going to make a joke about “Golden Flashes”…
But I have already made one joke about old people naked earlier in the picks.
JOE’S LIONS 28-17

Arkansas State at Memphis
I am convinced that Elvis’s Tiger’s haven’t seen the ball since the opening kickoff of the season
RED WOLVES 31-28

Utah at Brigham Young
Another of the “Battle of the Brothers” for the “Beehive Boot”
I am afraid that Utah will need more than Two Utes to win this one
COUGARS 31-28

Virginia Military Institute at Virginia
The Cadets at VMI has a long and distinguished military history….
Which has no relation to football….
CAVALIERS 35-10

Marshall at Virginia Tech
Just for the record….
Despite what your gym teacher in 5th grade told you..
“The Hokey Pokey ISN’T what it’s all about”
HOKEY POKEY 31-24

Idaho at Washington State
I’m sorry…
I am still laughing about the Idaho “Turd in a Sock” comment from earlier..
(I seriously need to get out more..)
MIKE’S COUGARS 43-17

Troy at Mississippi State
Word to the wise Bulldogs….
Don’t take the “Men of Troy” lightly here or it could go the other way
BULLY DOGS 34-21

St Olaf at Concordia (MN)
I have admit…..
That’s a funny way to spell “Accordion”
(It must be a school of music…)
ST OLLIE 24-17

Wyoming at Air Force
This game will be close….
It’s in Colorado Springs, so I am going with…
MIGHTY FALCONS 28-24

Western Michigan at Iowa
The Hawkeyes beat their cross-state rival Cyclones last week…
They should be able to muster up enough gas to dispense with the Broncos
(Maybe…)
HAWKEYES 31-17

Louisiana Tech at Kansas
Before I make this pick…..
I want to ask “coach” Charlie Weiss for his agent’s phone number….
How you can get job after job worth millions and millions of dollars and never win jack squat….
I NEED this guy in my corner!
Thanks in advance coach!
JAYHAWKS 21-17

Savannah State at Miami (FL)
I would watch this game but there is a “B.J. in the Bear” marathon on TV Land…
(Sorry..)
HURRICANES 106-0

Florida International House of Pancakes at Louisville
This game will be really close….
NOT…………..
STRONGER CARDINALS 44-10

Vanderbilt at Massachusetts
I am still a fan of Lionel Richie and the Mighty Commodores
(If the lyrics to “Brick House” are in your mind at the moment, you are welcome)
COMMODORES 28-17

Wake Forest at Army
The only thing that would make this game worse….
If the horribly excruciating voice of Beth Mowins “announces” the game…
By “announcing” I actually mean “screeching” like a cat trapped in a rocking chair factory
DEMON DEACONS 21-10

Northwest Oklahoma State at Arkansas Monticello
I think even the Great Bo Jackson would agree….
“Bo Don’t Know Weevils”
BO WEEVILS 24-21

Middle Tennessee State at Florida Atlantic
Honestly?
I don’t give a Hoot about the Owls..
BLUE RAIDERS 28-24

Ball State at Eastern Michigan
The Cardinals will bounce back this week from being cleaned up by the Mean Green last Saturday
(They better, they seriously messed with my average last week)
CARDINALS 31-28

Austin Peay at Ohio
I couldn’t ask anyone with a straight face….
“Didn’t you used go to Austin Peed?”
(“Yes” I am actually that easily to amuse)
FRANK’S CATS 38-10

Jacksonville State at Georgia State
The Dirty Birds from Alabama are better than you think…
Way Better
GAMECOCKS 31-17

Houston at Rice
This old Southwest Conference rivalry in the Cow Town of Houston….
Is played for the coveted “Bayou Bucket”
It’s going to be a good one…
COUGARS 31-28

Michigan State at Notre Dame
This semi-ancient rivalry within the Big Ten something or another and Notre Dame is played for the coveted “Michigan State Sphincter Cannon”. If you don’t know what that actually is….
Think “Downwind from a West Texas Chili Cook-Off”
FGHITINGING IRISISH 31-21

Murray State at Bowling Green
The Falcons will have a hard time harnessing the Pacers..
This one may go either way…
FALCONS 34-31

Ouachita Baptist at East Central
I’m not sure if this is the East Central Methodist’s or Presbyterian’s…
Either way, it’s going to be an Old Testament Tussle…
GOTCHA BAPTIST 28-24

Morgan State at Western Kentucky
Did the Hilltoppers NOT get my pregame meal “advice” about NOT serving Butterfingers?
O.k. well then, STOP IT!
HILLTOPPERS 34-21

Eastern Illinois at Northern Illinois
This game is about “The Cats and the Dogs”
I’ve always been a Dog man myself
HUSKIES 34-17

Texas State at Texas Tech
This one will be ugly…..
How ugly you might ask?
Uglier than Hillary Clinton pole dancing to Poison’s “Every Rose has it’s Thorn”
(Sorry that wasn’t ugly, that was just disgusting…)
GET YOUR GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 51-10

Oregon State at San Diego State
Given the choice between an extinct ancient Aztec who used to perform ritual sacrifice and a Beaver
Let me just say this….
I will always go with the Beavers…
BEAVERS 38-17

Missouri at Indiana
Hoosier Daddy? (This week….)
MO’S TIGERS 31-21

UTSA at Texas El Paso
Seriously….
Who is running the football for the United Tennis Savants Association?
Don’t they get skinned up in those little fruity pants?
MINERS 31-24

Hawaii at Nevada
Despite the fact I am picking against the Warriors Dancing Over Rainbows…
I fell under some obligation to mention Dog the Bounty Hunter….
I thought I saw him in Wal-Mart last week with a guy that looked like Kim Jong Un from North Korea..
I wonder if he was arresting him?
WOLFPACK 28-24

Enjoy your games….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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2 Responses to College Football Picks Week 4

  1. ant on September 18, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    FGHITINGING IRISISH 31-21?
    Still laughing.
    Snot pouring out of my nose.
    My keyboard just shorted out.
    You crack me up!
    Wings going on about 2 for the game…
    See you there.

  2. TheBamaprincess on September 19, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Why do I have to do math??

    Do you know how long it took me to fix glitches to comment again???

    I’M BACK!!!

    LOVE the turd in a sock story – going to use it when I pick up the kids – they’ll finally think I am funny!

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