Ladies and Gentlemen –
The first week of college football is behind us….
The week where unbridled enthusiasm turns to ashes for some
And where others live to play and fight for another week
Hope always springs eternal before the first kickoff, unless of course you are the Kentucky Wildcats.
(Then you are just expecting a butt whipping)
We are getting ready to roll into the second week, so place your dinner tray in the upright position and fasten those safety belts; we are going to have a little turbulence up ahead
Speaking of bumpy rides….
Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 66 and 13 or 84% for the first week.
Not bad, all things considered
But in all fairness, I missed more than a few upsets that I felt strongly would happen.
I shouldn’t have listened to my Black Lab “Doc” on a few of the picks
As you might imagine he is partial to the “Dogs”
SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS
Greetings from the Heart of SEC Country!!! I’ll tell you what. It’s great to be a Telfair Trojan!! Yep, the boys of South 3rd started the season off right with a couple of wins that weren’t even that close. The Boys in Blue started things off with a win over Treutlan County by a 26-16 score and then capped things off last Friday by traveling to Alamo and coming away with a 43-14 win over Wheeler County. I know it’s early, but it sure feels good to say “undefeated.” Next up, the Jeff Davis Jackets will make the trip over from Hazlehurst in another non-region contest for a little scrap and an attempt to put a dent in the Trojan Armor. The boys are working hard, the coaches harder, and it should be an exciting affair.
Up in Athens, the alarm bells are about to start sounding after traveling to the Upstate of South Carolina as those Junkyard Dawgs came up short with a game over Dabo’s Felines. There is definite concern from the fans of Dawg Nation as the schedule doesn’t get any easier. Next up for the Pound Pooches is a visit by a bunch feisty Chickens as the Gamecocks enter Sanford Stadium in hopes of continuing their recent successes over the Hounds. In Hot-lanta, the going was somewhat easier as the Trade School notched up a win over the SoCon’s Elon by a 70-0 score. I’m not one to tear down anyone but the Wreck could have saved the expense of a pay out to the Phoenix if they had simply suited up the scout team and charged admission. Up in Statesboro, the Big Blue Birds of Prey hosted Savannah State in another blowout game which saw the Eagles run up 79 points on the toothless Coastal Cats. 9 different Birds crossed the goal line as the Triple Option put a double whammy on the Tigers. Next up for GSU is a visit from the Red Flashes of St. Francis Univerisity from Loretto, Pa. I don’t know much about this team but you can be sure the Patrons of Paulson will try to make their stay an uncomfortable one.
Over in Columbia, the other inhabitants of the Palmetto State proved to be rude hosts for their namesakes to the north as the Garnett Clad Roosters came away with a 27-17 win over North Click. After 9 months of Clowney over-hype by ESPN, the network’s talking heads then proceeded to tear him down with almost the same eagerness. Not a fan of the Cacklers but at game time at 6pm it was 95 degrees with a 106 heat index. Couple that with being tasked with defending an up tempo offense, and yes, you’re not going to have herculean effort on every single play. In another contest in Atlanta, the Red Pachyderms of Tuscaloosa stampeded the Turkeys of Va-Tech by a 35-10 score. Saban’s boys don’t look like they’ve missed a beat since that New Year’s beat down of the Domers. The Aggies of A&M proceeded to steam the Rice Owls by a 52-31 score in a game that saw Johnny Screwball flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Sadly, this kid doesn’t seem to get it. I don’t want to see a zombie but I do want to see a quarterback act like a leader. And in Nashville, the Rebels of Mississippi escaped with a win over the ‘Dores of Vandy, 39-35. I watched some of this one and the new kid, Nkemdiche, didn’t look half bad. Hopefully he’ll escape the glare of ESPN for a little while longer.
That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.
Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth
COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM NEWS
FOXSPORTS: It was reported this past week that Fox Sports Southwest and college football announcer Craig James have parted ways after his one and only appearance and he will no longer be announcing any college football games for the network.
Just over a week ago a spokesperson for Fox Sports Southwest said….
James was being brought on as a college football studio analyst to work FSS’s college football postgame shows and appear on segments of Fox Sports Southwest’s Big 12 wrap-up show. “He’s a talented broadcaster who I’ve admired throughout his career, “said Fox Sports Southwest Senior Executive Producer Mike Anastassiou, in a statement. “His knowledge of college football and the experience he brings as an analyst will be a tremendous asset to our coverage.”
After Craig James one and only appearance the network had this say………..
“That egotistical know it all jackass is like a walking hemorrhoid. He’s the only guy I know that can say good morning and make it sound like an insult. I fired him to keep somebody from killing him”
CLEMSON: In all fairness to my dear Clemson Tiger faithful, friends, and family
I had originally chosen the Tigers to win the game with Georgia, But……..
My Black Lab “Doc” gave me the “Timmy’s in the Well” look and I fell for it….
I also learned that I can’t allow Doc and Sadie to watch too many “Lassie” re-runs
It has had a negative effect on all three of us
Great game, great win Tigers……
The Tigers are for real
VANDERBILT: Damn it……………………
ESPN: This past week in one of the many round table talking heads college football pregame fillers “commentator” Todd McShay said this concerning the Vanderbilt – Ole Miss game
“Hopefully Vanderbilt can get by the unfortunate circumstances that took place during the offseason”
EDITORS NOTE: Soooooooooooooo Gang Rape constitutes “unfortunate circumstances”?
I have a lot I could say here, but I will just say this….
I have NEVER heard a dumber statement from a sports commentator; ever
You sir, are dumber than hell
EDITORS NOTE PART II: This is why I don’t listen to these damn gibbering idiots
KANSAS STATE: I tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen…….
IOWA: When I heard the Hawkeyes (just like I told you they would) blamed their recent loss on their inability to “recruit” linemen in the entire state of Iowa I thought….
Maybe they are recruiting “big people” from the wrong place in Iowa….
Might I suggest going to a local Golden Corral?
NORTHERN ILLINOIS: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
OREGON STATE: Please see Northern Illinois above (But not in a good way)
SOUTH FLORIDA: What the heck Bulls? Did you not know you had a football game on Saturday?
NOTRE DAME: This institution of higher learning that promotes themselves as having such high standards apparently failed to check their spelling when it came to the production of their stadium cups
A spokesman for Notre Dame; Father Homer McFeely had this to say concerning the error….
“Regarless of the obvious error in spelling we here at Noter Dame still have the higherst academanic standars than the rest of the country”
EMAIL QUESTION(S) OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Sir
We have taken the time to review several of your articles and are deeply disappointed to see that you on more than a few several glorify the use of alcohol. We don’t think you understand how impressionable people can become due to your articles.
We strongly encourage you to utilize your popular platform to demonize the use of alcohol!
There isn’t anything good that comes from the use of alcohol!
The statistics prove our point!
Please do the “Right Thing” and call for the boycott of alcoholic beverages!
Thank you
Ms Gloria Bumgardener
President
Mothers Against Drinking (MAD)
A: Don’t get your underwear in a knot Miss Gloria
I think you are looking at this issue in the wrong light
Here are some statistics for you
Which country drinks more alcohol than almost all other countries combined?
Ireland
Who has the lowest crime rate in the world?
Ireland
Where is alcohol and alcoholic beverages strictly prohibited?
Arab Countries
Those idiots are either killing or trying to kill everybody in the whole damn world.
Maybe if they had a Budweiser plant in Iraq or Afghanistan the world would be a friendlier place
Just a thought….
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
We here in beautiful southern California have endured your taunts and disgusting remarks about our wonderful state for many years. We tolerated your backwoods humor and threats to our beloved Trojan football program and the occasional jab at diversity and its wonderful benefits to our society.
But recently you have gone too far with your wise cracks.
How dare you criticize our President and the Federal Government!
In these troubled times can’t you say ANYTHING positive????????
If you had an ounce of self respect you would be ashamed of making such remarks about the President!
If you choose to continue this course of action on your part we will have no other recourse but to boycott the CFB Wizard until you portray the President of the United States in a positive light.
Sincerely
Ms Madeline Juniper-Rose-Lane-Rodriguez Davis – Los Angeles, California
A: This column is all about College Football and that’s it
There are times I take shots at just about anything that’s stupid, hypocritical or ludicrous
That being said….
You are right indeed. I should be more positive, so here goes…..
Our current President has more drone kills than all other Nobel Peace Prize winners combined.
Congratulations
THE GAMES
Thursday 5 September
Sacramento State at Arizona State
The Sacramento Hornets have the same chance of winning this game….
As Rosie O’Donnell does of being on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
Neither of which is very likely…..
But, “IF” we were talking about “Country Hog Monthly” then it would be a different story
SUN DEVILS 136-0
Friday 6 September
Wake Forest at Boston College
Neither of these teams are too impressive to start the season…
This one is a toss-up….or a throw-up, depending on your view point
DEMON DEACONS 24-17
Central Florida at Florida International House of Pancakes
I had an idea for the mascot of the Central Florida Golden Knights
(Wait for it…)
David Hasselhoff and Kit from “Knight Rider”
He could be the “Golden Knight Rider”
I know, its genius…. Right?
GOLDEN HASSELHOFF KNIGHTS 31-21
College of New Jersey at Ursinus
Through extensive research the highly professional staff here at the CFB Wizard has confirmed that “Ursinus” is in fact a Urinary and Sinus Medical College, thus the name “Ursinus”
PEE and SNEEZE 28-24
Saturday 7 September
Miami (OH) at Kentucky
I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if this game goes the other “way”
I’m serious
WILDCATS 17-10
Arkansas Monticello at East Central Oklahoma
I don’t think the Bo Weevils can tame the Tigers from Oklahoma…
But I have to pick them nonetheless, because I love saying…
BO WEEVILS 24-21
Eastern Kentucky at Louisville
The Colonels of Eastern will be reduced to Private First Class before the second quarter..
Believe it
STRONGER CARDINALS 44-13
South Florida at Michigan State
The Boy’s from Tampa decided not to show up for the game last week and got their butts beat
That’s NO Bull………….
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 38-14
Norfolk State at Rutgers
The Scarlett Knights will be on Norfolk’s butt like a pair of cactus underwear before the second quarter
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 41-13
Eastern Michigan at Penn State
Michigan get’s the Bird and then finds themselves plucked in Happy Valley….
JOE’S LIONS 28-17
Miles at North Alabama
The Great Coach Bobby Wallace is back in Florence Alabama
And that in the words of Charlie Sheen that means one thing……”Winning”
FLORENCE LIONS 33-10
Houston at Temple
The Owls of temple will get the living Hoot beaten out of them in this contest
COUGARS 41-21
Tennessee Tech at Wisconsin
Just another of the Big Ten, (or whatever) Cupcakes for the sugar hungry Badgers
Yawn……………
THE POWER OF CHEESE 99-10
Delta State at Mississippi Valley State
Three words for you……
“FEAR THE OKRA”
FIGHTING OKRA 34-31
Cincinnati at Illinois
Before we get to the pick on this game…
I am going to provide you all with a safety tip for the work place
“IF” you have a big ole guy at work that had sauerkraut and a twelve pack of Keystone Light last night
DO NOT LET HIM USE THE RESTROOM INDOORS THE NEXT MORNING AT WORK!
(Make him go outside in the woods, parking lot, whatever. You will thank me later)
BEARKATS 31-17
Missouri State at Iowa
I don’t think Missouri State can upset the Hawkeyes in this contest
But “IF” they do, I will laugh like a lemur monkey, roll around on the floor and possibly urinate on myself
HAWKEYES 21-17
Bowling Green at Kent State
This battle in the Home of all things Buckeyes is played for the coveted “Anniversary Award”
(I’m serious, I didn’t make that up)
FALCONS 31-28
Florida at Miami (FL)
This Battle of the Sunshine State will be better than advertised….
Believe it
MIGHTY GATORS 31-24
Indiana State at Purdue
If you honestly care about the outcome of this game, please see a mental health professional
BOILERMAKERS 17-10
Southeastern Louisiana at Texas Christian
The Frogs couldn’t leap over the Mighty Tigers last Saturday
But they will rebound over the hapless cats from Hammond this week
HORNED FROGS 43-3
Oklahoma State at UTSA
The Prairie Wind of Stillwater……..
Is going to hit those folks from the United Tennis Savants Association in the naughty place
COWBOYS! 41-17
Ferris State at North Dakota State
The Carny folk has a school for Ferris Wheel workers?
What’s next Cotton Candy University?
FIGHTING SIOUX 34-10
Western Kentucky at Tennessee
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m serious……
HILLTOPPERS 38-34
Middle Tennessee State at North Carolina
The Blue Raiders from Murfreesboro will make this a contest until halftime…
Then it will be all about…
THE HEELS OF TAR 34-17
South Carolina State at Clemson
This game will be uglier than a pair of old women’s feet in open toed shoes
(Seriously, it’s going to be that ugly, but without the gnarly toes)
DABO’S TIGERS 51-10
Army at Ball State
There’s strong and then there is the West Point’s Football Team….
CARDINALS 31-10
Western Carolina at Virginia Tech
This will be like one of those bad “When Animals Attack” videos…
The Turkeys will mount the Cats in Blacksburg, and it won’t be pretty
FIGHTING TURKEYS 41-10
Weber State at Utah
These folks from the Grill College make some of the finest Smokers and Grills on the planet….
This weekend they get themselves smoked by……..
TWO UTES 41-10
Chattanooga at Georgia State
I was going to say something really cleaver about the Panthers of State…
I will save it for next week, but in the meantime…
MIGHTY MOCS 28-20
Tennessee Martin at Boise State
The Bronco’s will kick poor Martin across the corral before the marching bands get off the field
BRONCO’S 55-10
New Hampshire at Central Michigan
I have been accused in the past of not saying anything good or positive about anything “up north”
I want to correct that oversight………..
They have liquor stores at the New Hampshire “rest areas”
CHIPPEWA’S 34-14
Toledo at Missouri
The rockets of Toledo will fizzle out like a wet firecracker in MO Town…
MO’S TIGERS 38-17
San Diego State at Ohio State
The Buckeyes play so many cupcakes I’m surprised the whole team doesn’t have diabetes
BUCKEYES 55-10
Buffalo at Baylor
The Bills of Buffalo continue their “Give us a Check and Beat our Ass Tour”
Yippee
DA BEARS 51-10
North Carolina A&T at Appalachian State
I can’t in good conscience pick AT&T in this game after the kind of cell coverage I get in the mountains
Can you hear me now?
MOUNTAINEERS 28-14
Oregon at Virginia
The Cavaliers defense will keep them in this game for the first half…..
But if you can’t score, you can’t win…
QUACKS 41-21
Moravian at Ithaca
The Morons of Moravian will not enjoy their visit to the Home of Ithaca Shotguns…
(Yes, that was shameless plug for a great shotgun company)
PUMP SHOTGUNS 24-17
Valdosta State at Fort Valley State
This is a matchup of two heavy weight contenders….
Don’t be surprised if they meet again in the playoffs
It’s going to be one heck of a game
BLAZERS 31-28
Alcorn State at Mississippi State
The Bulldogs will leave the Braves red faced in Starkville
(I bet that statement made the NCAA speech police stroke out)
BULLY DOGS 34-14
Bemidji State at Winona State
Two things about this match-up…
One: That is NOT how you spell Benji; you would THINK that after seeing the popular movie someone at an institution of higher learning would know how to spell the little dog’s name correctly.
Two: Wynonna Judd is the fourth largest mammal on the planet; I wouldn’t want to play against her.
Especially if she’s hungry……..
WYNONNA JUDGE 38-14
Utah State at Air Force
Although I think the Aggies will win this game, I have feeling the Falcons will upset the visitors
(I hope just hope that “feeling” isn’t gas from ill prepared Mexican food)
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-28
South Alabama at Tulane
The Boy’s from Mobile have the talent and the ability to upset the Wave, but they will fall short.
GREEN WAVE 28-17
Old Dominion at Maryland
No wonder Mary-Land wanted to join the Big Ten something or another….It’s all about the pastries
FIGHTING MULTI-COLORED TURTLES 41-10
Idaho at Wyoming
Famous Potatoes get’s mashed in cowboy country
COWBOY UP! 28-17
South Carolina at Georgia
This is “the” game on the schedule this week
It’s Big Boy Football….Enough Said
GAMECOCKS 24-21
Duke at Memphis
After watching the Tigers of Memphis play, I am fairly sure that Elvis has indeed “Left the Building”
BLUE DEVILS 31-17
Portland State at California
Another “big” game in the Land of Fruity…..
Yippee Zima for everyone!
NOT SO GOLDEN BEARS 6-3
Syracuse at Northwestern
I wish I cared about this game, but I don’t….
WILDCATS 28-17
Navy at Indiana
This game begs the question……
Hoosier Daddy?
MIDSHIPMEN 24-17
Marist at Bucknell
That Marist is a real fox, but you don’t want to tangle with a buck tooth kid….
It’s a rule….
BUCKY 21-17
Richmond at North Carolina State
The spiders of Richmond get stepped on by the Big Dogs
WOLFPACK 38-17
Thiel College at Juniata
Juanita is back up to her fighting weight in the off season…..
How do I know?
I saw a recent picture of her from behind in her pink “Baby Girl” stretch pants…
It looked like about five thousand dollars worth of hail damage
J-LO 24-14
Southern Miss at Nebraska
The Golden Eagles disappointed last week and they will fall short again this Saturday
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 34-10
Garner Webb at Marshall
The Thundering Herd is back….
(Just like I said last week)
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-7
Louisiana Lafayette at Kansas State
Bill Snyder and Company will make a comeback after being stampeded by the Mighty Bison
(But they still have hoof prints on their jerseys from last week)
WILDCATS 28-17
Samford at Arkansas
Fred Samford will have wished he stayed at the Junkyard before this one is over….
RAZORBACKS 44-10
Wofford at Citadel
This Battle in the Palmetto State will be close in Chuck Town…
Real Close…
BULLDOGS 21-17
UAB at LSU
This game will be uglier than a game of naked Twister with Hillary Clinton….
(If it makes you feel better, I threw-up too)
FIGHT’N TIGERS 41-17
Southeast Missouri State at Ole Miss
Some of you have written me and asked me to explain the foam rubber black bear mascot of Ole Miss
It’s very simple….
The foam rubber “Rebel” black bear mascot doesn’t follow the other foam rubber black bears, hence he is considered to be a “Rebel”.
FOAM RUBBER REBEL BEARS 51-10
North Texas at Ohio
The Cat’s were skinned by the Mighty Louisville Cardinals last week….
They will clean the cabinets with Mean Green this Saturday
(Just for the record, that was not an endorsement for a home cleaning product)
FRANK’S CATS 28-17
West Virginia at Oklahoma
There will be no burning smoldering couches in Morgantown this Saturday Night
Sorry…………
BOOMER SOONER 41-21
Colorado State at Tulsa
Neither of these teams impressed in Week One….
I am leaning towards the Rams, but it’s still Hurricane Season
GOLDEN HURRICANES 28-24
Sam Houston State at Texas A&M
Question…….
Since Johnny “Show My Ass” Football was suspended for the first half of the game last week..
Does that mean he didn’t charge for autographs for the first half only, or were they discounted or what?
It’s a reasonable question…
GIG EM AGGIES 44-17
Texas at Brigham Young
I wonder if in Provo Utah’s phone book there is someone named “Brigham Old”
Sometimes I wonder too much…
HOOK EM HORNS 31-17
South Dakota at Kansas
Don’t be surprised if the Coyotes of Dakota upset the Jayhawks….
I won’t be…
JAYHAWKS 28-24
Coast Guard at St. Lawrence
Do you know what the motto of the Coast Guard is….
“Anchors Aweigh! But don’t go too far from the shoreline!
SAINT LARRY 24-21
Lamar at Louisiana Tech
Last week the bulldogs got spanked…
This week they do the spanking
BULLDOGS 36-17
South Dakota State at North Dakota
The Bison stormed across the plains of Kansas last week….
The stampede continues…
MIGHTY BISON 38-14
Grambling State at Louisiana Monroe
Coach Rob’s Tigers will not enjoy their trip to the Home of Duck Commander
But as a side note, they do have a wonderful gift shop
WARHAWKS 31-14
Susquehanna at Merchant Marine
Many people have written me to ask…
“What’s the difference between a Merchant Marine and a United States Marine”
Here’s your answer folks….
A “Merchant Marine” is a Marine that works in the Commissary
(You’re Welcome)
SUSIE Q 23-17
Stephen F, Austin at Texas Tech
The Red Raiders wore down my proud ponies of Southern Methodist last weekend…
(Damn it)
This game will be like “wash, rinse and repeat” from last week
RED RAIDERS 38-21
Savannah State at Troy
A brief safety tip for anyone attending this game…..
If people behind you are cheering for Savannah and they yell “S-S-U” three times in quick succession, then prepare to be spit on.
MEN OF TROY 41-21
Nicholls State at Western Michigan
I have never (ever) seen any “Bronco’s” in Michigan…..
But I have seen some girls in Ohio with sideburns
(And “No” they weren’t Elvis impersonators)
BRONCO’S 38-10
Arkansas State at Auburn
Tiger faithful, prepare yourselves to once again roll the dying shrubs of Toomer’s Corner
WAR DAMN EAGLE 41-21
Austin Peay at Vanderbilt
The Commodores are about to Pee on Austin’s Parade
FRANKLIN’S DORES 41-10
Central Arkansas at Colorado
I want to clear up an ugly rumor that has been circulating the Bolder Campus this week…
Aretha Franklin will NOT be leading the team onto the field this week as the guest Buffalo Mascot
How about a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T here folks…
BUFFALOS 36-10
Notre Dame at Michigan
The Golden Gnomes get a rude awakening to reality in Ann Arbor…..
And as an unrelated side note….Michigan is spelled correctly on their stadium cups.
WOLVERINES 28-17
Wayne State at Carson Newman
Don’t leave your seats on this one folks…
Get ready for a shoot-out
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-34
Minnesota at New Mexico State
The latest media blitz to promote the Minnesota Football team is odd to say the least…
“Golden Gophers, the other White Meat”
(Seriously, that’s just weird and disgusting)
O’ SO VERY TASTY GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-24
Hawaii at Oregon State
I still believe in the Power of the Beaver….
(Call me old fashioned)
BEAVERS 34-17
Montana State at Southern Methodist
The Bobcats won a National Championship last season…..
They are not a joke and this game will be close…
Real close
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34
New Mexico at Texas El Paso
For those in the Southwest, this will be a much better game than advertised…
Not that it’s really advertised.
LOBO’S 31-28
California Davis at Nevada
A traveling hypnotist was a local carnival and he told me to pick the Wolves in this game
(That’s almost like divine intervention)
WOLFPACK 31-17
Cal Poly at Fresno State
Does Polly want a cracker?
How about a Dog bite?
BULLDOGS 41-10
Washington State at Southern California
Coach Mike has the Pirate Cougars on the right course….
But they will fall short to the Lame Trojans this Saturday
TROJANS 31-28
Arizona at UNLV
I think this is a good time for a first “lady” of Arizona Football, Rita Rod quote of the Week…
“If you can’t be the sharpest tool in the shed, you can always be a hoe”
(Those are words she clearly lives by….)
DESERT CATS 44-17
San Jose State at Stanford
I would like to see this game, I really would….
But I won’t be up at 0100 Sunday Morning for the game
(Sorry…..)
CARDINAL TREE 44-10
Keen at Albright
Honestly……
I’m not too keen on Albright….
CLEAN KEEN 31-10
Enjoy your games….
There is more on the way so stay tuned
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD