It’s the Number damn one Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
Hootie Snitch coming at you from the Heart of Volunteer Country, Baneberry Tennessee!
I am fixing to give you everything you ever wanted to know about the best damn football team on earth!
The University of Tennessee Volunteers!
Now before I get into the Big Orange Report, I got me a bone to pick with somebody.
That damn Princeton something or another Review come out with their list of “best” party schools.
Do you know who ain’t on the list?
The University of “By God” Tennessee that’s who!
Hell! We single handedly invented Butt Chugging and that don’t get us no points as a party school?
That’s some straight up Bull Crap right there they we ain’t on the list!
We even got them T-shirts with it on there, now tell me that don’t say we know how to party!
That’s a Shirt with Ole Smokey the Dog mascot Butt Chugging! That’s AWESOME!
I believe I done made my point with them Princeton Pin Heads
You can’t even spell P-A-R-T-Y without UT!
Alright, now to what ya’ll have all been awaiting for, Hootie’s Big Orange Report!
And do I have a surprise for all my Big Orange faithful!
I done got me a personal interview with that new lesbian coach at Tennessee Butch Jones!
Hell yeah I did!
Let me tell you something before I have that interview on here, that is one stout lesbian or thespian or whatever you call them, and she has a big old deep voice too, but I have to tell you it was kind of hard when we was a talking to not to look at her breasts cause she wasn’t a wearing no bra.
Here is my interview with the Coach of the Best Damn College Football Team in the World, Big Orange Tennessee Volunteer Coach Butch Jones.
HOOTIE: Coach before we get started do you prefer to be called Coach Jones, Coach Butch or Ms. Jones or what?
COACH BUTCH: Ah What? You can call me Coach Jones, or Butch that’s fine
HOOTIE: I just wanted to be sure cause it’s like I always say “if gay is your way then I ain’t standing in your way” you know what I mean?
COACH BUTCH: I think I know what you mean, sort of, but just for the record I have a wife
HOOTIE: Well of course you do, that’s cool now days.
COACH BUTCH: No. I mean I like women
HOOTIE: Well of course you do, I do too coach, I must be half thespian myself!
COACH BUTCH: You lost me there, what questions do you have for me
HOOTIE: Alright, you just named Justin Worley to start at quarterback for the Volunteers, is that because he can throw the ball like a Worley Bird?
COACH BUTCH: What? No, it’s because he is the best available quarterback I have on the roster.
HOOTIE: But I bet he can throw like a Worley Bird, am I right coach?
COACH BUTCH: I don’t really know what that is, do I have something on my shirt? You keep staring at my chest.
HOOTIE: Who do you think we will be a playing against in the National Championship game?
COACH BUTCH: We are trying to build the program with manageable goals, and certainly one of those goals is a shot at the National Championship, but I doubt very seriously it will be this year.
HOOTIE: No seriously coach, you do you think we will be a playing in the Championship game?
COACH BUTCH: I am serious, we have those goals certainly, but those are unrealistic this season.
HOOTIE: I get it Coach! You just ain’t a wanting to show your cards, I respect that!
COACH BUTCH: Ok whatever, what else you got for me?
HOOTIE: How bad do you think we will beat Florida and Alabama this year, by like four touchdowns or what?
COACH BUTCH: I can’t and won’t make predictions on games we haven’t played yet
HOOTIE: I tell you what I think, we are a going to beat them gators by at least four damn touchdowns and we are going to put a whipping on the Tide like they haven’t seen since the last hurricane hit Pensacola.
COACH BUTCH: I believe Pensacola is in Florida
HOOTIE: Are you serious?
COACH BUTCH: So what else do you have for me, I have to get back to practice and seriously stop staring at my shirt you are creeping me out.
HOOTIE: Do you know Coach Phil Fulmer, the greatest college football coach to ever live? We are kin, I hear he’s part Snitch and Ratt, just like my Momma and Daddy’s last names.
COACH BUTCH: I have met him
HOOTIE: Did you know that he holds the record for eating the most Krispy Kreme Bear Claws in an hour, it’s thirty six. It’s a world record
COACH BUTCH: I wasn’t aware of that
HOOTIE: He washed it all down with a bucket of lard
COACH BUTCH: Fascinating, but I have to get back to practice
HOOTIE: Just one more question Coach Butch, how cool is it being the coach of the greatest college football team to ever put on a helmet and chin strap?
COACH BUTCH: It’s a great opportunity, that’s for sure and the fan’s, like yourself are very passionate.
HOOTIE: Well Coach, I want to thank you for taking the time to set down and talk to me for the Hootie Snitch Big Orange Report.
COACH BUTCH: It’s my pleasure, I always have time for our “special” fans and the University of Tennessee supports the Special Athletes such as yourself and the entire Special Olympics program.
HOOTIE: What? Wait, No, Hell Coach I graduated from here with a degree in English and Education!
COACH BUTCH: Of course you did; have a nice day, it was nice to meet you but I have to get back to practice.
Now was that cool as hell or what?
Hell yeah it was!
Now for my predictions for the upcoming 2013 Volunteer Football Season!
Go Big Damn Orange!
Austin Peay at Tennessee
I would say this one would be a cake walk but I ain’t never walked on no cake!
HAAAAAAAA That’s funny!
Western Kentucky at Tennessee
Them so called “Hill Toppers” ain’t never seen these mountains in Big Orange Country!
Tennessee at Oregon
Them Ducks ain’t worth a Quack if you ask me!
Tennessee at Florida
That CFB Wizard guy that let’s a me write on here said I can’t cuss, so I won’t.
But I hate them (blank-blank) Gators
South Alabama at Tennessee
This is a going to the be the first team from Alabama that get’s a Volunteer Ass Whipping
It’s just a warm-up
Georgia at Tennessee
Who Let the Dogs out?
The Damn Volunteers did that’s who!
South Carolina at Tennessee
Them Roosters are a bunch of damn Clowns!
Get it! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Tennessee at Alabama
The Tide is a going to get washed down the commode with a Volunteer on the Toilet Seat!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Now that’s funny as hell!
Tennessee at Missouri
By this time of the season we will be Number One and we is a going to treat Missouri like Number Two
Auburn at Tennessee
This is a were the Volunteers become the Alabama State Football Champions!
We done sweep all them teams in Alabama like a dirty rug in a Tennessee double wide!
Vanderbilt at Tennessee
Them Comodores are getting ready to get the flushing of a lifetime!
Tennessee at Kentucky
Them boys must be smoking some Bluegrass if they think they going to Whip Us!
So there you have it!
We is going on to the SEC Championship game and then on to the National Damn Championship!
Who we is going to play in them games is anybodies guess, so Stay with your boy Hootie this season as I follow the Big Orange Volunteers all the way to the National Damn Championship Game!
Hootie – Out!