Email Questions and Answer Exchanges

January 28, 2013
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I take great pride in answering every email I receive (Both good and the not so good)

But occasionally, I am compelled to exchange emails with a gibbering idiot

Just because I can…

This is one such email exchange that took place recently after the National Championship game with a disgruntled Notre Dame fan, I hope you enjoy it

Sean:

Congratulations Jack Ass the Bamner’s Cheated their way to another National Championship

Go Irish
Sean

CFB Wizard:

Dear Sean

Thank you for your remarkable insight and analysis regarding the National Championship game and as always, thank you for reading the CFB Wizard.

Sincerely

THE CFB WIZARD

PS: “Jackass” is one word not two and you misspelled “bamner’s” as well.

Sean:

WOOOOOOOOOOO Big Man with a dictionary!

Well excuse me Ass**** but I’m not an Engrish teacher like you probably are!

CFB Wizard:

Dear Sean

One no longer needs the use of a dictionary with the electronic revolution.

Utilizing the “Spell Check” application on your toolbar (Located at the top of your computer) may prevent such gross spelling errors as it would have caught “Engrish” and given you an opportunity to replace it with “ENGLISH”.

I do appreciate you thinking I was a part of such a noble profession such as teaching.

That is quite a compliment and I thank you so much for that!

What I wouldn’t give to have the opportunity to enrich young minds and have an impact on today’s youth!

Sadly, however I can’t leave my house and those dreams, like so many others have faded

Here I am rambling on!

I’m Sorry about that Sean, thank you for reading the CFB Wizard

Sincerely

THE CFB WIZARD

Sean:

Why can’t you leave your house are you sick or something?

CFB Wizard:

Dear Sean

Sometimes I feel sick, but I am unable to leave my home because the “state” say’s I have to stay inside.

I am not sure if I have a communicable disease, but I guess it’s like I’m quarantined because the state put this thing on my ankle which measures the air quality and checks for carbon emissions and things like that.

Thank you again for reading the CFB Wizard

Sincerely

THE CFB WIZARD

Sean:

Dude that’s an ankle tracker! What the hell did you do?!

Those things don’t measure anything! They are on because you committed a crime or something!

CFB Wizard:

Dear Sean

Now you are just talking gibberish, nothing could be further from the truth.

The Judge “requested” (Which isn’t like an order or anything) that I wear this device for my health and for the health of those around me, at least that’s the way I heard it.

But don’t worry about me! I know that I will be just fine!

But before I sign off to watch “Wheel of Fortune” what is your home/ mailing address?

I have a signed 2012 Notre Dame team helmet that I was going to auction off on the website for charity, but because you have provided such insight into the National Championship game, as well as been so concerned about my health I feel it only right that you receive it.

Thank you again for reading the CFB Wizard

Sincerely

THE CFB WIZARD

Sean:

I don’t feel comfortable about giving you my home address, what the hell did you do to have to wear an ankle tracker?!!!!!!

CFB Wizard:

Dear Sean

You are “uncomfortable” getting a signed 2012 Notre Dame Team helmet?

I thought you were a Notre Dame Fan? With an email address like Go_Irish2012@****.com

Why don’t you change your email address to “Fair_Weather_Irish_ Fan@I’m a Big Wussy.com”

Maybe you are just a gay stalker?

Are you stalking Manti Te’o? Are you his spurned gay lover?

How dare you sir!

I will have you know I am Heterosexual and your lurid homosexual advances towards me are not welcomed!

Thank you again for reading the CFB Wizard

Sincerely

THE CFB WIZARD

Sean:

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND! I’M NOT STALKING YOU!

CFB Wizard:

Dear Sean

I couldn’t help but notice that you failed to mention three very important things: (One) You didn’t deny that that you were a “gay” stalker (Two) You contacted me first with your disgusting homosexual advances (Three) You failed to deny that you were Manti Te’o spurned gay lover.

If you do not stop contacting me I am calling the local police, the FBI and INTERPOL to report your large collection of stolen Boy George, George Michael, Kenny Chesney and Manti Te’o memorabilia.

You have been warned sir

Thank you again for reading the CFB Wizard

Sincerely

THE CFB WIZARD

Sean:

WHAT THE HELL I HAVENT DONE SH** TO U! YOU GOT SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS MAN!

CFB Wizard:

Dear Sean

Sir it is you that have the problems with your fixation on things revolving around the buttocks which is quite noticeable in your most recent response, which further proves my point of your perverted lifestyle and lastly, your attempt at denial by refusing to refute the claim of your stolen “Gay Icon Collection” with your Boy George, George Michael, Kenny Chesney and Manti Te’o memorabilia didn’t go unnoticed either.

I am calling the authorities immediately and giving them your email address

Thank you again for reading the CFB Wizard

Sincerely

THE CFB WIZARD

Sean:

YOU ARE AN EVIL MAN! DONT U EVER EMAIL ME AGAIN! EVER!

CFB Wizard:

Dear Sean

I am officially rescinding my offer of sending you the signed Notre Dame 2012 team helmet, it wouldn’t be right for the beautifully signed golden helmet of Notre Dame to be given to a sexual deviant and more than likely a sexual predator.

I cannot risk the reputation and credibility of The CFB Wizard for the sake of Manti Te’o’s spurned gay lover, I am sure there are other gay celebrities you could stalk. You have to learn to move on Sean.

BTW: The Police should be at your house any minute

Thank you again for reading the CFB Wizard

Sincerely

THE CFB WIZARD

Sean:

(There are several misspelled and unreadable curse words here all in CAPS)

CFB Wizard:

Dear Sean

It is clear that your intravenous drug use coupled with your deviant sexual behavior has caused you to have what mental health professionals describe as an “episode”.

I have alerted the law enforcement authorities in your area that you may be “Armed” as this is so often the case in these situations, or at least that’s the way it’s portrayed on “Law and Order” reruns.

My best advice for you would be to completely disrobe and stand outside your home with your hands in the air and yell “I surrender!” at the top of your lungs until the police arrive.

This will “alert” the police that you have nothing to “hide” and will also prevent the hordes of SWAT Teams (That are certain to arrive) from entering your house for the “take-down” as well as prevent any innocent bystanders from being hurt in the potential crossfire.

Thank you again for reading the CFB Wizard

Sincerely

THE CFB WIZARD

Sean:

(There is no more communication from Sean but that didn’t prevent me from continuing to write him)

CFB Wizard:

Dear Sean

It’s apparent from your lack of communication that you have finally been apprehended.

I am glad that my advice worked and that no one was injured and that a sexual predator has been taken off the streets.

I can only hope that you receive the necessary treatment for not only your intravenous drug addiction but for your deviant sexual behavior and homosexual fixation on Manti Te’o as well.

Those things are treatable! I know I read about it in an in-flight magazine.

I also wanted to make you aware of two very important things.

I could not in good conscience auction the signed 2012 Notre Dame team helmet off to some unsuspecting person even if it was for charity. Just thinking that the beautiful signed gold helmet of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish was “almost” in the hands of a pedophile made me cringe.

So I have decided to keep it and use it as a urinal for parties.

It’s quite the conversation piece!

But I am almost certain that one of my LSU friends pooped in it

Thank you again for reading the CFB Wizard

Sincerely

THE CFB WIZARD

EDITORS NOTES: Sometimes answering annoying people is just plain fun…..

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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