Ladies and Gentlemen –
As you might imagine I get a number of emails throughout the year…
Some I can print and some should be turned over to mental health professionals
I hope you all enjoy some letters of the latter category in this article
As I continue to celebrate the University of Alabama’s National Championship..
EMAILS QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Greetings Mister Wizard Man!
I have a problem that I hope you can help me with
I am a male cheerleader at a prominent university in the Southeastern Conference
I would rather not say the name, so let’s call it “Hexas F&M”
So any who, here is my problem
As you can imagine I have received a lot of ridicule from people for being a male cheerleader (including an extremely rude history professor) and because I choose to wear my lucky “Hello Kitty” backpack and “My Pretty Pony” pink running shorts during homecoming week as a show of unity and support to our team.
Our best player “Johnny” (who is all that and a bag of chips) is our only hope.
We need all the luck we can get this season and I think what I am doing should be commended.
Do you have any suggestions Mister Wizard?
Anonymous – College Station, Texas
A: I suggest you take your talents further “West” where your “uniqueness” isn’t out of place….Also, that might prevent you from getting killed at Hexas F&M
Q: Dear Sir,
My name is Maybelline Maynard Mayer and I’m from Millwood, Michigan.
I just want to tell you that we here in the great state of Michigan do not appreciate what that young man from South Carolina did to our running back in the Outback Bowl.
From what I saw on TV he was really, really mad about those referees giving us a first down. Well, let me tell you something right now. We didn’t have anything to do with those referees giving us a first down.
We just ran the ball and the referees decided that we had a first down.
Well, you saw what happened next. That ugly young man, Clowney, came in and tried to hurt our running back Vincent Smith and even KNOCKED HIS HELMET OFF!!!
I was personally offended and felt like he tried to hurt poor Vincent. Well, let me tell you what. Vincent is now in therapy and is having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of that hit.
He can’t sleep at night and is now afraid of clowns and wouldn’t go to the circus when he got back to Michigan. I would really appreciate it if you would bring to everybody’s consciousness that vicious hitting in football is NOT NECESSARY!!!
Maybelline Maynard Mayer
A: To be honest I don’t know what was funnier….
Coach Steve having an aneurism over the first down call or Mister Vincent losing his head on the subsequent play, I try and look at it as a “Win-Win”
Q: Dear Sir,
Do you know what today is? Is it still 2012? You know like the year 2012…
I just woke up. I think I was playing in a football game on New Year’s Day and everything just gets kind of fuzzy after that. Did Obama win the election? Is Michigan Number One again?
Man, I keep having this dream about this evil clown. Is that, like, some kind of omen?
University of Michigan
A: Just relax big fella it will all come back to you in due time….
Q: Dear Sir:
I have been diagnosed with Trigeminal Droopocous in my left eye or “The Lazy Eye” as it is more commonly called. Because of my affliction the left half of any work I perform is a jumbled mess of awkward zigzag patterns and slanted lines etc. Even my PowerPoint slides look like somebody melted a Hershey Bar on the left side of the slides. It’s horrible!
Even in Jr High School I was placed in the 97th percentile of cock-eyedness.
But to make matters worse, I have recently found out that my condition is caused by watching my beloved Oregon Ducks play football!
Apparently their neon glow in the dark green jerseys and helmets have had an adverse effect on my eyesight! Have you received any other letters concerning this medical phenomenon?
Dale – Eugene Oregon
A: I’m not surprised Dale, watching the Oregon Ducks and their glow in the dark uniforms play on television has been known to cause a number of unpleasant side effects such as….
Dizziness, migraine headaches, loss of vision, vomiting and anal leakage
Q: Yo!!! My Man!!! Da’ Wizzzzzz!!!
Lemme tell ya sumpin bro!!! I know you ain’t down wid da cauzzzz an all that cause I know you prolly bout as white as a paper plate but check dis out. I’m a football playa, babay!!!
Ebody keep sayin I be 1st round materials yo!!! I’m comin OUT dis year for me some ENNNN-EFFFFF-ELLLLLLLLL Yo!!! But check dis out!! My agent be sayin my dayum taxes done gone up and I aint even been drafted!! He say I gone be one a dem One Percenters when I get my check!!! WHAAAAATTTTT!!!!
Da taint right bro man!! Looky here. I got me a free phone and voted for Obama and I AM A BRUTHA!!!! I caint be no one percentage pointer dude!!! What I’m gone do Mistah Chizzle Fizzle Wizzle????
Leroy LaQuoy Watkins
University of Cincinnati
A: I have no idea what the hell you just said…..
Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I have a rather unusual dilemma that I hope you can help me with
I met my wife (Marci) while we were both attending Georgia Tech and she is a wonderful person, but my In-Laws (Ray and Lynne) are driving me insane and I am almost ready to set myself on fire.
Besides being diehard University of Tennessee fans (as if that weren’t bad enough) they talk in this ridiculous childish gibberish all the damn time.
The first time I met my future mother-in-law she greeted me with “So your da whittle guy dat Mawci woves so much” and then pinched the hell out of my cheeks.
Seven years later they still talk what I call “The Devils Language”
Think of a family of overgrown Elmer Fudds
Recently for my wife’s birthday she received a beautiful locket from Ray and Lynne and she screamed “My pairwents awe da best evah!” and ran into their open arms while I set there quietly – ready to gouge my eyeballs out with my bare hands.
My God now Marci is talking like that at home now too!
Is there anything I can do? I can’t take it anymore!
Dan – Atlanta, Georgia
A: Might I suggest the following resources…..
“Understanding Mental Retardation” by Patricia Ainsworth
“Forced Exit: The Slippery Slope from Assisted Suicide to Legalized Murder” by Wesley J. Smith
I hope this helps….
I am a representative for Hillandale Farms.
We produce and distribute eggs throughout the country.
We noted with interest that a few months ago, the home of a prominent quarterback in the Southeastern Conference by the name of Aaron Murray of Georgia was “egged” by frustrated fans.
We are proud to have been a key contributor to major egging events throughout the country.
Do you think it is possible or permissible to contract with Mr Murray this year to become a spokesman for Hillandale? We have a major campaign planned touting the “throwability” and “accuracy” of all of our egg products and how they stand up against the competition.
Thanks in advance for your input.
Mr. Eggbert Eggleston
Egg Harbor City, New Jersey
A: Sir, I think your Egg is cracked….
But have you thought about sponsoring the Egg Bowl?
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
I am currently a student at Ole Miss in Oxford Mississippi
I am entering the William Faulkner poetry contest this year and the winner gets (are you ready for this?)
To be on the sidelines with the Rebels football team for every home game!
So I was wondering if I could run my poem by you before I enter it in the poetry contest?
I listen to the Birds
I hear their cry
My Heart yearns for them
They do neat stuff
Like poop on cars and stuff
What do you think; do I have a winner here?
Arthur –Oxford, Mississippi
A: Art, you may not know this, but I suspect your mother drank a lot when she was pregnant with you
Q: Greetings Good Sir!
My name is Harry and I have an unusual idea to add to the excitement of any college football game!
Hold on to your seat!
I am a part of what I believe is the only all male middle aged conch shell band in the entire country!
There are five of us in the conch shell band and we call ourselves “Conchelicious”
Last week we performed at the Garden Homes Assisted Living Facility and the residents LOVED IT!
There might have even been a bra thrown our way, were not really sure what it was, but it had lace on it
I play first tenor conch and Sid plays second tenor conch with Jacob playing baritone conch and Tubby plays the bass conch.
We play everything from Motley Crue and the Rolling Stones to Johnny Cash!
You haven’t lived until you have heard “Folsom Prison” on a conch shell!
So here is my idea: Instead of having college marching bands on the field at halftime (Which is BORING)
Why not have “Conchelicious” perform?
Soooooooo What do you think?
Harry (First Conch Tenor) – Bangor, Maine
A: Here is what I think…..
That crazy crap might fly in Maine but if you tried to replace the Golden Band from Tigerland in Baton Rouge on a Saturday night, they would feed your crazy collective asses to Mike the Tiger.
Q: Dear Kind Sir,
I am of Irish Catholic decent, with me mother and pops immigrating from Ireland back in the 30’s. I have read with interest how the NCAA has chastised many institutions of higher learning for using Native American mascots and logo’s for their athletic teams.
However, I am still taken aback by one of the most flagrant discriminatory symbols being used and no one has said anything about it. Yes, it’s the depiction of Irishmen by Notre Dame.
Jimminy Crickets that just makes me angry every time I see that little midget with his fists up and smoking a pipe. We Irish are a proud lot and there could be no worse depiction of our culture and heritage unless he had a bottle of rye in his hand and the mascot staggered around the sidelines during their games.
Is there anything you can do to bring this problem to light?
A: As someone from Irish ancestry myself, I sympathize with your problem….
And I will get right on that answer for you just as soon as I get back from my Keg Party
Q: Dear Sir,
I’m Arlo from Arkadelphia, Arkansas and bout the biggest Razorbacks fan in the state. I got me a hog snout on my truck, I eat BarbeQue every weekend, and have won 3 straight hog callin’ contests over in Malvern.
That dang Bobby Piternina went and did us dirty by playing around with that girl and havin hisself a motercicle reck and the we got that Franklin fella to intern coach and we didn’t do squat this year.
So are Atheletical Directionary went out and got us another coach to bring us back up to where we should be. First thing, I aint beleevin they went all the way to Wiskonsin an got a fella that aint even from down here. Heck, he’s from Ioway!!!
We don’t cotton to folks from way up there down this way.
And to top it all off he’s some kind of weight loss guy!!! We don’t need weight loss guys down here in Arkansaw!!!! I heard that Bilema stuff is bad cause you eat stuff like rice peeloff and bean sprouts and puke that stuff up!!!
We need are defender boys to be big not a bunch of scrawny stick fellas!!!
So I guess what I want to know is do you thank we can get a beefier fella like ole Phil Fulman from Tenersee or that real fat guy from Kansas? Kansas aint that far away so its okay. Waitin on you perfessor football man!!!
Arlo from Arkadelphia
GO HAWGS!!! Sueeeeeee-eeeeeeee!!!!!
A: You can’t really want Phil Fulmer from Tennessee, do you?
Because it’s all fun and games until somebody gets “Butt-Chugged”
I am an “Insider” reporter for an underground and clandestine sports news organization, LOSERS, or Loving Ohio State and Exposing Real Stories. As you know, THE Ohio State University has a nationwide presence with its alumni and fans. It is through this organization that we “gather” information to throw onto the national stage. Regrettably, we sometimes have to resort to certain unsavory tactics to uncover wrong doing. But as long as we expose, and yes, sometimes create stories to show that there’s no better program than THE Ohio State University, then the ends justifies the means.
For example, do you think that those Tennessee football players arrested a few years ago for robbing those students was a coincidence? Hardly.
These were LOSER plants who knew where those players were going, made a few timely comments (“I’m soooo drunk!!! Where did I put my wallet with that $200 in it?), and provided the temptation for those crude players to act, even with their JERSEY’S on!!!
Do you think it was coincidence that Bobby Petrino had that motorcycle accident?
We followed him for months, knew he was in a compromising situation, and went to work. A lonely stretch of road, Petrino and “company” on his motorcycle following our undercover pickup truck, a well-timed “tap” of the breaks on a hair pin turn, and, BOOM!!!! Instant scandal.
The reason I am writing you this is because our Derek Dooley story has not gained any traction in the Mainstream Sports Media. Think that fractured hip just happened by some random act of fate?
We used a 245 pound harlot, Miss Ida Sue Milks to entice young Mr. Dooley to Dollywood for a rendezvous on the “roller coaster of love.” Unfortunately for young Derek, Miss Milks got a little carried away while attempting one of the Kama Sutra positions she is so familiar with and cracked his hip. We have film, still photographs, and an eye witness deposition from Ida Sue, but the story isn’t going anywhere.
So, do you think you can publicize this event to show that THE Ohio State University was wrongly accused and punished for their unimportant misdeeds and we can go on and win the National Championship this year?
LOSERS, Columbus Chapter
THE Ohio State University.
A: I do believe with your fabrication of the truth, and conspirator attitude that you sir have a career with the NCAA Compliance and Enforcement Committee, congratulations
I am an Ear Nose and Throat professional here at the prestigious Center for Disease Control Research facility. As you know, football is an inherently dangerous sport.
Not only is their grave concern here at the facility for joint injuries, but we are seeing a rising rate of injury to hearing from the Southern Region of our country.
Apparently, the cases seem to rise during the early autumn time period, and then fall after the first of the year. Our crack team of researchers has now pinpointed the origins of the problem and it seems to be directly related to football and more specifically related to teams within the boorish Southeastern Conference.
It appears that when the followers, who we will call “fans”, attend certain football events from which they place intense interest, the noise levels rise proportionally. As a result of the intense noise levels, these “fans” and players on the field suffer from a debilitating condition.
In terms that the layman may understand, we’ll call the affliction “hearing loss”. In a desire to promote zero hearing loss, we have come up with simple suggestions that we wish every university to adhere to in order to prevent this catastrophic condition:
1 – Cow bells and other instruments should be banned from all venues
2 – Although early season contest are played in warm conditions, we feel that the mandatory wearing of puffy mittens will decrease noise levels significantly
3 – Footwear should be confined to soft soled apparel such as tennis shoes or bed room slippers
4 – The voice raising raucousness of the observers should be held in check. Instead of the uncivilized and primal yelling and screaming, simply singing the schools alma mater should not only be encouraged, but mandatory.
Schools in other conferences, such as the PAC-12 or Big 10 don’t seem to have this problem due to the civility of their fans and the fact that their teams don’t seem to generate as much interest as schools in the Southern Region of our Country.
Therefore, less emphasis should be placed on winning the National Championship as is evident by the fact that other conferences have apparently subscribed to this theory in the recent past in the interest of health and hearing safety.
Thank you for your time
Dr. Candy Hearme
Doctor of Otolaryngology
Centers for Disease Control
A: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you….
Q: Dear College Man,
I live up here in Travelers Rest South Carlina and I’m purty dang mad. See there’s a bunch a folks around here that’s sayin we got us a moral victree when Clemson got beat by Flarda State. I don’t know bout you but getting beat like we did wadn’t no moral victree to me.
I mean here’s what I think. A moral victree’s like going to the juke joint, getting yore tail whooped, and then finding out that the beer you tried to bust over the fella you was fightins head was still half full.
What do you think Mr College man?
Thern Joglery – Spartanburg South Carolina
A: Two words for you Thern: SPELL CHECK
As the foremost prominent authority on collegiate athletics, I come to you with a business related question.
It appears that the Auburn Tigers are having a less than stellar season which has caused us considerable consternation. We at Chik Fil A have proposed opening a store in Auburn, Alabama in the near future.
The ironic twist that we were going to take, however, was to name this outlet “Chizik Fil A.”
My question is, do you think the current woes of the Tigers will cause a problem due to the less than stellar season that the Tigers are having this year?
Chick Fil A
A: I would hold off on that for the time being, but as a side note I do love your chicken and waffle fries
As coach of the prestigious University of Southern California Trojans, we have taken the action of suspending a reporter due to violation of team policy. Specifically, the reporter in question reported an injury which we feel could give our upcoming opponents an advantage in the competition we are about to embark upon.
We feel perfectly justified in this action due to the fact that scouting reports will not be able to pinpoint any weaknesses in our figurative armor. Further, we have decided upon further restrictions to ensure our competitive advantage.
From this point on no player’s names or numbers will be reported on either during practices or games. From this point on, only descriptive verbiage will be used.
For example; the black kid that is playing running back, or the big, slow, white guy playing Offensive Tackle. Additionally, Rather than “Head Coach Lane Kiffin,” I will be referred to only as the “Boy Genius Braniac”, who appears to be in charge.
My father will be referred to as Obi Wan Kenobi.
We hope you understand and support these necessary changes and continue to support our team.
Head Coach (Boy Genius Braniac)
University of Southern California Trojans.
A: I’m sorry I am still laughing about the Trojans being the preseason Number One team in the country and how EVERYBODY had you all winning the National Championship this year!
No seriously I can’t stop laughing
I want to take a minute to thank you readers of this little college football website
There are over One Million readers of this little blog a week….
It’s hard to believe
Thank you for taking the time to read, comment (Both good and the not so good)
I hope you all have enjoyed it as much as I have enjoyed bringing it too you
There will be more a little later so stay tuned…
But in the meantime
Thank you, God Bless you all and be good to one another
ROLL TIDE ROLL
THE CFB WIZARD