Ladies and Gentlemen –
Our 2012 College Football Season has come to an end……
I present the last installment of the 2012 Bowl Games for your reading pleasure
See you in 2013 my friends…
Happy New Year
END OF THE SEASON EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
I am not quite sure why I receive such email questions at this time of the year
I will chalk it up to the stress of the Holidays.
Q: Hello and Greetings!
My name is Jack McCracken and I am a David Hasselhoff impersonator.
I do a variety of impersonations of his classic roles from Knight Rider to Bay Watch, and of course I make the necessary and all important costume changes to accompany those roles to add realism and character to the content of the impersonation.
I have even added an additional segment when he was on “America’s Got Talent”!
I shout such things as “Great!”, “Yes!” and “Awesome!”
(Really dragging the words out like the Hoff does)
It has become quite the fan favorite as you might imagine!
“Any who” my question is this….
Is it possible (biologically speaking) to sneeze and break wind at exactly the same time?
Also, is it possible to break wind in the freezing cold and create a “Fart Sickle”?
(I am thinking of adding that to my act if it were possible!)
Thank you and Merry Christmas!
Jack “Don’t Hassle the Hoff” McCracken – Columbus, Ohio
A: Jack, your questions have little to do with College Football and are more suited to little known facts related to anatomy of the human intestinal system. So might I encourage you to see my newest website “Turn your Head and Cough with Doctor Mike” for the answers you seek.
Q: Hey Mister Wizard Man!
I was a reading that Hootie Snitch Christmas Poem (That damn guy is funnier than a midget league basketball game!) And I see that he says we got us one of them thespians as a damn football coach at Tennessee!
Is that right?
I knowed that the Coaches name was “Butch” but I couldn’t put two and three together until Hootie’s article that the Coach was a thespian.
Do you think that thespian coach is going to change the Tennessee colors from orange to rainbow like them thespians have?
I tell you I’m as nervous over this as a dog passing a peach seed!
I even a looked the coach up on the computer and I got to tell you that Coach Butch is one ugly ass thespian. “She” kind of reminds me of my wife’s aunt “Roger”. She used to be called Rowena but changed her name when she became a thespian.
What do you think Wizard?
Go Big Orange or Rainbow!
Jimmy “Big Skeeter” – Maryville Tennessee
A: I wouldn’t worry too much about the University of Tennessee changing their school colors.
They already have a wide variety of “official” colors to cover the gambit of any rainbow.
Glow in the Dark Orange
Baboon Ass Orange
Orangutan Rectum Orange
County Road Crew Orange
And of course….
Q: Ahoy there Mister Wizard!
I’m not a sailor I just like to start my emails out with something interesting and unusual!
I am an architect of classic and world famous structures done entirely in miniature!
I have completed some extraordinary structures that would blow your mind!
But I am now undertaking the most extraordinary and complicated structure to date!
I am now working on an exact replica (1:100000000) scale of The University of Tennessee’s Neyland Stadium!
It will be Glorious!
My question is this; do you think it would add a touch of “realism” to the Neyland Stadium atmosphere if I were to glue ants to the seats? I could freeze dry them with their hands in the air, you know like they were cheering!
What is your opinion on this crucial matter sir?
Charles (The Architect) – Chattanooga, Tennessee
A: Wow, it sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this Charles….
Personally I think using the ants sounds like a great idea, however to add “true” realism to the Neyland Stadium scene be sure and remove most of the ants teeth and insure the ants are twice their legal weight limit.
Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I have a perplexing problem that I hope you can help me with
For as long as I can remember I have hated my name
Kids, Teachers, EVERYBODY has made fun of me and they say stupid things like…
“DON’T let Jim make the Cool-Aide!”
“How’s the Cool-Aide Jim?”
Followed of course by rousing laughter from whoever is within earshot.
I tried to escape this misery and torment by going into the ministry
That only made it WORSE!
Because of my stupid name I can’t even get a JOB being a preacher!
Do you have any advice for me Mister Wizard?
The Reverend Jim Jones – Seattle, Washington
A: Well sir, I don’t have any advice on this matter…..
But you need to look on the bright side….
At least your name isn’t Jimmy Swaggart because then you would have a prostitute problem
Q: Greetings and Salutations!!
I write you this email from the Heart of Hoosier Country!
But I have to report something that is both troublesome and disturbing.
My wife (Betty) and I are looking to travel in style next year to all the Hoosier Football games, so we decided to look into purchasing a Recreational Vehicle (RV).
So went driving the week before Christmas to Richmond Indiana because we heard from our neighbors (Richard and Sue) that there was a Huge RV Dealer there.
Well imagine our surprise when we saw the sign promoting “Tom Raper RV’s”
Let me tell you we drove by there as fast as we could go!
I don’t want to go someplace where my wife and I could be raped!
Is this the guys real name or is he bragging about being a rapist?
I can only imagine what would happen on the RV Lot!
I can hear it Now!
“Come on back behind this RV and help me look for my lost dog…You want some candy?”
What the heck Mister Wizard!
Then we found out our beloved Indiana Hoosiers have a “Tom Raper Hall” on campus!
All I have to say is DON’T BE SURPRIZED if something bad happens in there!
I just wanted to warn your readers!
Jim and Betty – Bloomington Indiana
A: Look at the bright side Jim…..
You don’t have an “Uncle Jerry’s Day Care” like they have in Sandusky Ohio….
Q: What Up Wizard Man!
I got me two babies that I am trying to groom up for the Trojans of Southern California and then the NFL’s . The Problem is that that they is girls. But they is big girls!
My oldest girl is called Luscious Participle and she is ten year old and she already 275 pounds.
Now my youngest is Chlamydia and she is six year old and is 250 pounds.
I thinking I got me two offensive lineman or line-women on my hands!
Do you think that when they get old enough that this able to play college football?
Keeping it Real in Compton!
Tamika Razhon Syphilis Jackson –Compton California
THE BOWL GAMES
Monday December 31st
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Vanderbilt and North Carolina State
Since the housing market went into the tank I am surprised this Bowl game wasn’t renamed…
“The We Got Nothing for your Mortgage Music City Bowl”
AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Iowa State and Tulsa
Honestly I don’t have anything against AutoZone….
I just like the NAPA commercials better…
I’m just saying…
The Fudge Packers Bowl presented by the Keebler Elves
This Bowl game is reserved for the two teams that melted when the heat was put to them…
Utah Two Utes and Indiana Hoosiers
EDITORS NOTE: Admit it….
You thought I was going to say something nasty about the above bowl game.
I will not stoop to such humor, at least until next year.
Hyundai Sun Bowl
Southern California and Georgia Tech
So this is where we are now; a Korean car company is sponsoring a College Football Bowl game?
I shudder to think what’s next….
LAME TROJANS 28-17
Hasbro Yo-Yo Snoop Dog Bowl
The winner of this game receives the “Shizzle My Mizzle Trophy”
I’m not quite sure what that is but it looks like a petrified monkey paw holding a dog turd
California Golden Bears and Washington State Cougars
LSU and Clemson
Both schools are known as the Tigers…..
Both stake the claim of having “Death Valley” as a stadium…
There can be only one King of Jungle
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-17
Goddess Remi Human Hair Weave Bowl
Played each year for the “Bust of Remi with a Weave of Human Hair” Trophy
This Bowl game is designed to raise the awareness for the plight of female pattern baldness and the therapeutic value of receiving a weave in raising self esteem.
Wyoming Cowboys and Colorado Buffalos
Tuesday January 1st
Tax Slayer Gator Bowl
Mississippi State and Northwestern
I wish someone would slay the current state of taxation in this country
I can’t even flush the toilet without getting a damn bill from the government for it
BULLY DOGS 31-17
South Carolina and Michigan
Does the winner of the Outback Bowl get a Blooming Onion?
I’m just asking because those things are delicious
Heart of Dallas Bowl
Purdue and Oklahoma State
There isn’t a better place to hold a Bowl game than Dallas Texas…..
And just for the record….
I can neither confirm nor deny my participation a few years ago in any activities on the West End of Dallas involving alcohol and members of the Swedish Bikini Team.
COWBOY UP! 41-24
Birkenstock Sandals & Clogs Bowl played in San Francisco
The Winner of this game receives the coveted Silver Butt Strap and the AIDS Awareness Trophy
Harvard and Yale
Capital One Bowl
Georgia and Nebraska
I will keep this one simple….
Bo don’t Know the Big Dawgs
HUNKER DOWN BIG DAWGS 44-17
The Randy Travis Bowl sponsored by Country Music Star Randy Travis
The winner of this prestigious Bowl game gets the opportunity to get all liquored up….
And lay buck naked on a Texas Farm Road….
The loser of this game gets the opportunity to do the same thing but they also get tazered by the police
Miami Hurricanes and Illinois Fighting Pumpkins
Rose Bowl game presented by Vizio
Wisconsin and Stanford
They call this Bowl Game the “Grand Daddy of them All”
And not just because it’s the oldest Bowl game on the menu…
But because the stadium was built by the Dinosaurs
Discover Orange Bowl
Northern Illinois and Florida State
Just a word of advice if you are traveling to this game…..
The only thing you will “Discover” by going to the Orange Bowl is that there is an excellent chance your car will be vandalized while you are attending the game or that you will be carjacked once you leave.
Enjoy your stay in Miami…..
JIMBO’S NOLES 28-24
The First Annual Toomer’s Corner – Charmin Toilet Paper Memorial Bowl
This rather unusual and prestigious Bowl game will be played each year in Montgomery Alabama to raise awareness for the plight of Alabama’s Indigenous Oak Trees.
The Winner receives a beautiful hand crafted walking stick carved from a dead branch off of one of the famous oaks of Auburn’s Toomer’s Corner.
Auburn Tigers and Memphis Tigers
Wednesday January 2nd
Allstate Sugar Bowl
Louisville and Florida
You want my honest opinion don’t you?
I think the cardinals of Louisville are in for a beating of Biblical proportions
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10
Thursday January 3rd
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Oregon and Kansas State
Little known fact for you here…
“Tostitos” is Spanish for “My Diuretic Burro Has No Corn Chips”
(I know, you don’t have to say it….I amaze myself sometimes)
Friday January 4th
AT&T Cotton Bowl
Texas A&M and Oklahoma
This “formerly known as the Big 12” rivalry will be played out in Big D one more time
It won’t be pretty…..
GIG EM AGGIES 34-24
Saturday January 5th
BBVA Compass Bowl
Pittsburgh and Ole Miss
I really wish I cared but I don’t…..
Anybody but Ole Miss 31-17
Sunday January 6th
Kent State and Arkansas State
If “offense” is your game…..
Then this Bowl is for you…..
GOLDEN FLASHES 44-41
Monday January 7th
The National Championship Game
Alabama and Notre Dame
Somewhere Coach Bryant is smiling…..
CRIMSON TIDE 28-17
THE CFB WIZARD