Ladies and Gentlemen –
It’s that time of the year……
No, I am not talking about having to wear the butt ugly sweater your Aunt Edna gave you last year.
That’s next week
I am talking about College Football Bowl Season!
Spike your eggnog, grab a seat and adjust that ugly sweater with kittens on it dressed as reindeer and enjoy the first of two parts of the 2012 College Football Bowl Games.
CHRISTMAS SAFETY TIPS
Before I deliver a valuable and potentially lifesaving Christmas tip, let’s clear the air about something.
It’s CHRISTMAS, it’s not a “Holiday”
You don’t put up a “Holiday” tree do you?
Do you bust your butt to put up “holiday” lights?
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t care if you celebrate Hanukah or Chanukah
But I do know that if you try to pronounce either of those words after you drank a glass of buttermilk that you will cough up something that will appear to be a lung.
And I don’t even care if you want to celebrate a made up “holiday” like Kwanza
But call it what it is
And what it isn’t is a “holiday”; can I get an amen?
One last thing on this subject….
For those card carrying members of the politically correct speech police who are always SO damn offended about ANYTHING to do with Christmas and the birth of Christ let me point out one very simple flaw to your logic.
Before you start attacking Christmas shouldn’t you speech police folks be addressing that most racist of all days commercialized on American television with weeklong commercial blitzes.
I am talking about, of course “Black Friday”
The day of reduced prices and good deals, like black people can’t afford the regular prices!
O’ The Humanity!
How horribly racist!
And O’ By The WAY it’s African – American, NOT “Black”!
They don’t EVEN use a hyphen in “Black Friday” either!
I am so OFFENDED I can’t even see straight!
What’s NEXT a “Mexican Monday”? A “Trinidad Tobago” Tuesday?
I hope the little goose stepping Nazi Speech Police will attack this horribly racist day BEFORE they attack Christmas. Get your priorities straight dumbasses
Now for your Christmas (yes, I said Christmas) Safety Tip….
If you are busy shopping in your local mall or outlet retailer and you are called by what appears to be “Santa” who smells like Ben Gay, Pepperidge Farms Summer Sausage and a hint of Southern Comfort…
Please don’t smell his hands, no matter how much he pleads with you
And before you ask…..
“No” I don’t want to talk about it
COLLEGE FOOTBALL BOWL GAMES
I don’t need to tell anyone readying this column that we are experiencing tough economic times.
The current economy is affecting the myriad of Bowl games as well.
Many of the “smaller” bowl games are combining sponsorships in an effort to survive.
Some of the names and sponsorships may be new to you readers and viewers at home.
But they have been forced to combine their resources even if those resources and name brands we have grown accustom to seeing don’t necessarily “go together”.
This 2012 College Bowl Season you will see such Bowl games and the accompanying commercials for..
“The Viagra – Purina Monkey Chow Bowl”
Before the game you will be reminded…
“If your monkey is swinging from tree to tree for over four hours, call a veterinarian, the National Geographic Society and a registered zoo keeper.”
“The Ex-Lax Taco Bell Bowl”
The pregame commercials will include such statements as…
“Taken together, you will do more than run for the damn border”
“Don’t try and run for the border, because you won’t make it”
“The Cialis Volkswagen Wienerschnitzel Bowl”
The appropriate commercial will accompany this “new” Bowl Game
“If your Weinerschnitzel is experiencing a little far fug noogan then take Cialis”
“The Oscar Myer Devils Ham Rogaine Bowl”
These commercials will leave you with these reminders before kickoff…
“If you want hair to grown on your Deviled Ham, then try Rogaine”
And of course
“Seriously, we don’t know what’s in these products, we just know they work”
“The Preparation H Whack-a-Mole Bowl”
The commercial for this bowl game is just wrong on a number of levels
“When you feel that familiar yet uncomfortable itch; Whack-a-Mole!”
THE BOWL GAMES PART I
Saturday December 15th
Gildan New Mexico Bowl
Nevada and Arizona
The “motto” for this bowl sponsored by the New Mexico Office of Tourism:
“We have more Mexicans” or for the bilingual in the audience “El Mucho Mexicanios”
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Toledo and Utah State
Have you seen the “mascot” for this Bowl game?
Let’s call it what it is here folks…
The mascot looks like a Turd in a sweater
The Kenny Rogers Roaster Possum Rectum Bowl
This game is sponsored by the Tennessee Department of Tourism in Baneberry Tennessee and Kenny Rogers Roaster Chicken
The two teams selected for this game….
Are selected on the basis that their uniforms as bright as a baboon’s ass.
Maryland Ugly Ass Turtles and Illinois Fighting Pumpkins
Thursday December 20th
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Brigham Young and San Diego State
This Bowl game in San Diego was once called….
“The San Diego Traffic Gridlock Gangland Drive-by Shooting Mudslide Wildfire Outrageous property Taxes Tsunami Save the Whales Wave a Rainbow Flag Diversity Bowl” They changed the name of the bowl game when they realized the original name of the bowl wouldn’t fit on the trophy
Friday December 21st
Beef O’ Brady’s Bowl
Ball State and Central Florida
The name of this bowl sounds like it’s sponsored by some old male stripper.
“Put your hands together ladies and welcome to the stage….Beef O’ Brady!”
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 34-31
Saturday December 22nd
R & L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
East Carolina and Louisiana Lafayette
It doesn’t seem right that there isn’t a team represented in this game with “Hurricane” in their name.
I’m just saying….
RAJUN CAJUNS 31-21
Washington and Boise State
If you are confused as to the acronym associated with this bowl game, I am here to help…
MAACO stands for….
”Methodist African American Coalition of Ophthalmologist”
No need to thank me, it’s what I do
The Silicon Valley Bowl
This Bowl game is sponsored by Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson
This prestigious bowl game selects their teams based on “Big” preseason expectations.
Only to have them deflate like a cheap balloon at a kid’s birthday party half way through the season…
Southern California Trojans and Iowa Hawkeyes
Monday December 24th
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Fresno State and Southern Methodist
And who is going to be the Grand Marshall for the Hawaii Bowl Parade?
You guessed it…
Dog the Bounty Hunter
Fear the Mullet
Wednesday December 26th
Little Caesars Bowl
Western Kentucky and Central Michigan
Until I saw the advertisement for this Bowl game I had no idea that it was sponsored by a Pizza place
I thought it was sponsored by the great Gangster movie…”Little Caesar” with Edward G. Robinson
I have to get out more
ACME Rocket Bowl
Sponsored by NASA and Coyote Ugly in Death Valley California
The two teams selected for this bowl game
Are those teams that look good until you light their fuse….
Then they blow up in your face….
Auburn Tigers and Colorado Buffalos
Thursday December 27th
Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman
San Jose State and Bowling Green
Ok, let me be sure I have this right….
This is the “military” Bowl right?
But you don’t have any military academies in the game
This is just stupid
Cincinnati and Duke
I’m not quite sure what a “Belk” is…..
Maybe they meant “Belt”?
Now that is starting to make more sense
Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl
Baylor and UCLA
The only thing funnier than “education” in the title of this bowl game, is the fact it’s in San Diego California. Let me break down an educational “California History Lesson” for you….
“It’s all whitey’s fault: the end”
DA BEARS 41-38
The Lamisil Toe Fungus Monster Bowl in Beautiful Septic Tank New York
These teams hold the distinction of looking ugly and playing smelly all season
Just like that nasty little toe fungus monster on the commercials….
Miami Hurricanes and Kentucky Wildcats
Friday December 28th
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Ohio and Louisiana Monroe
I liked this game a lot better when it was the Weedeater Independence Bowl
Frankly I don’t have any idea what the hell an AdvoCare is….
Sounds like something they shock the hell out of crazy people with…
“Hey Jim rev that AdvoCare up to V100 I’m going to shock the hell out of this crazy jackass!”
Russell Athletic Bowl
Virginia Tech and Rutgers
Given the various choices in athletic gear today, there isn’t anything made any better than Russell Athletic wear. This isn’t a shameless plug; I’m just telling you how it is….
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 24-21
Menieke Car Care Bowl of Texas
Minnesota and Texas Tech
I was a bit confused as to what a “Menieke” was and why they were interested in your Car…
I have come to learn that “Menieke” is a dwarf from the Czech Republic who works at place in Texas that specializes in car detailing. I hope that has cleared up any misunderstanding you may have had
GET THOSE GUNS UP! RED RAIDERS! 33-28
The Tyson Chicken HN 1 Bird Flu Bowl in Little Rock Arkansas
The selection for this bowl game is done somewhat differently…
The teams selected for this bowl game are done so on the basis of their hideous mascots.
Just looking at the respective teams mascots will give the viewer symptoms of the HN 1 Bird Flu…
Evergreen State Geoducks and Earlham Hustling Quakers
Saturday December 29th
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Rice and Air Force
Finally! A Military Bowl game with a Military Academy team in the Game!
What a novel approach…..
MIGHTY FALCONS 34-24
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Navy and Arizona State
I can solve the “hunger” problem here….
If you want to stop hunger in America and elsewhere, then keep Wynonna Judd, Phil Fulmer and Rosie O’Donnell away from the buffet line. You’re Welcome
SUN DEVILS 34-17
Valero Alamo Bowl
Texas and Oregon State
If anything this should be called the “John Wayne Alamo Bowl”
But In regards to the “bowl pick”
I believe the Beavers will win, but I am incapable of picking against the Longhorns
New Era Pinstripe Bowl
West Virginia and Syracuse
This game is being played in Brooklyn New York
So why isn’t it called the “Carjack Bowl”?
It’s more appropriate wouldn’t you say?
Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl
Texas Christian and Michigan State
If only Buffalo was in this game then I could have the headline….
“If Buffalo goes wild and wings it, then they could take home the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl”
There are days that I just wish for too much…
MIGHTY HORNED FROGS 24-17
The Fleet Enema Bowl
Sponsored by Fleet Enemas and Colon Blow from beautiful Hershey Pennsylvania
This bowl game is reserved for teams that blew it out their butt all year
Tennessee Volunteers and Army Black Knights
The Cubic Zirconium Bowl
Sponsored by the Arab Jihad Mall Jewelers of America played in Gypsum Nevada
The two schools selected for this game are those teams……
That looked really good when the season started but couldn’t cut glass when it really counted
Houston Cougars and California Bears
We will have more in the coming weeks…..
Your Part II of the 2012 College Football Bowl Picks
The Hootie Snitch Christmas “special”
The prestigious 2012 CFB Wizard College Football Awards
A few Christmas stories….
And much more..
So stay tuned
Enjoy your Bowl games
THE CFB WIZARD