Ladies and Gentlemen –
Your Wait is over….
It’s time for the kickoff of the 2012 College Football Season
I know that I am sending the Picks out a week early and why did I do that you may ask?
Because I’m cool like that…
Enjoy….
Thursday August 30th
UCLA at Rice
What a way to start the season…..
The Bruins and The Owls
This game is like being all excited on Christmas morning..
Then running down the stairs and finding a monkey turd in your Christmas stocking
BRUINS 17-14
Northern Colorado at Utah
Here is the question that is on everybody’s mind for this game
How many Ute’s does it take to wrestle a bear to the ground?
TWO UTES 34-10
Minnesota at UNLV
New on the menu at KFC!
The O’ SO Very Crispy Golden Gopher’s!
Not that it has anything to do with this game
O’ MY GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-10
Southeast Missouri State at Central Michigan
I have had the crack research staff at the CFB Wizard on this question for the entire off-season
“What exactly is a Chippewa’s”
We have finally come to a consensus on this issue..
“It’s a Chip off the Old Wa’s”
Now we have to research what the hell a “Wa’s” is…”
CHIPPEWA’S 34-10
South Carolina at Vanderbilt
This game will be a lot tougher for Coach Steve and the Gamecocks than you might think..
Don’t blink or it could go the other way
I’m serious…
GAMECOCKS 28-17
Central Florida at Akron
The Mad Chipmunk also known as Coach Terry Bowden has taken over the Fighting Zippers Football Program this season after leaving the University of North Alabama.
Yeah, that’s all the information I need about this game…
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 33-20
Eastern Washington at Idaho
I wish this game was on Pay-Per-View
What I wouldn’t give to see the “Ida Honkies” perform at Halftime
Sometimes I wish for too much
IDA HONKETTES 33-28
Glenville St at Carson Newman
Coach Sparks has the Eagles ready to make a run for the title this year…
And the folks from Glenville are hosting a quilting bee..
Enough Said..
SPARKS EAGLES 34-17
Chadron State at Montana State
What the Hell is a “Chadron State”?
It sounds like a damn mental hospital
BOBCATS 43-10
Eastern Michigan at Ball State
There will be a lot of Birds being flipped in this game
I am talking about the Eagles and the Cardinals here!
What did you think I was talking about?
Shame on you….
EAGLES 24-21
Northern Arizona at Arizona State
This “instate” rivalry game in the land of the Sun and Sand is played for the coveted…
“Cactus Underwear of Victory”
Which may explain why the boys at Arizona State always looked so aggravated
SUN DEVILS 43-10
Shorter at Campbell
I’m afraid the Hawks are going to come up a little Short in this one…
JOE CAMEL 21-17
Massachusetts at Connecticut
There is an interesting bit of trivia associated with this game…
Former Coach and current ESPN College Football Analyst Lou Holtz is forbidden from picking this game in the television studio for fear that Coach Lou would release a torrent of spit of Biblical proportions.
It’s a safety thing….
HUSKIES 34-10
West Chester at Delaware
They say this is a “big” rivalry game in Delaware.
Yeah, we don’t care…
FIGHTING BLUE HENS 24-20
Texas A&M at Louisiana Tech
The Aggies coming to Ruston Louisiana for this game is the biggest thing to happen in that town since Governor Huey P. Long had a Campaign Rally there. That’s been a while ago…
GIG EM AGGIES 38-10
McNeese State at Middle Tennessee State
There is no word yet if former LSU Tiger “The Marijuana Badger” will be enrolled and ready to play for the Cowboys in the season opener. Not that it would matter….
BLUE RAIDERS 24-17
South Dakota Mines at North Dakota
They call the South Dakota Mines team “The Rockers”…
I wish they would call them the “Mimes”…
Then they would be the South Dakota Mines Mimes
It sounds more “fun” if you ask me
Never mind…
FIGHTING SIOUX!!!!!!! 34-17
Northwestern Oklahoma State at Ouachita Baptist
There is one thing you will never see the Ouachita Baptist football players doing after a touchdown
Dancing….
O’CHITA BAPTIST 21-17
Sacramento State at New Mexico State
This game is just another reason why I don’t like anything about California.
The Sacramento team is called the “Hornets” as in the insect.
But the truth is…..
The only “Hornets” in California have a USN or USMC on the tail
If they wanted the team mascot to reflect the State capitol of California then why not just call them the Sacramento State “Gibbering Idiots”?
I know, I’m a damn genius
PISTOL PETE 31-14
Washington State at BYU
This is such an easy pick for me it isn’t even fair..
I guarantee the cougars are going to win this game
How’s that for Prognosticator Confidence?
COUGARS 31-24
Friday August 31st
Tennessee at North Carolina State
This Southeastern Conference and ACC matchup is being played in the Georgia Dome.
It should be a good one, but it’s going to be closer than you think..
Way Closer…
VOWELS 24-21
San Jose State at Stanford
I wonder how much Jose’ got to take this ass whipping?
“Not enough” is the correct answer
CARDINAL 38-10
Ursinus at College of New Jersey
Many of you have written me last year asking…
“Where did they get the name for the college known as Ursinus”
Simple…
It’s what happens when you have a urinary tract infection and a sinus infection at the same time
Now why they decided to name their college that is beyond me
But Yankees sure are funny when they learn big words…
URINE’S 17-14
Wagner at Florida Atlantic
Wagner? As in the “Wagner Vacuum Cleaner”?
They really suck
HOOT OWLS 43-10
Boise State at Michigan State
Do you remember when I said in the Preseason Extravaganza that the Bronco’s wouldn’t finish this season undefeated? Well it starts in East Lansing…
MEN OF SPARTA 34-17
Saturday September 1st
Notre Lame at Navy
The Midshipmen won’t win this game but they will keep it closer than you might think..
But in the event the Midshipmen do actually “upset” the Irish….
I am going to laugh like a lemur monkey with a helium buzz
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24
Troy at UAB
This game reminds me….
I will save my ever popular “Helen of Troy Alabama” story for another week…
You need something to look forward to..
MEN OF TROY 24-21
Delta State at Fort Valley State
If you have read this column even once then you should know by now that I’m an Okra Man.
Except for Okra Winfrey, her face looks like somebody shaved a Bulldog’s Butt.
MIGHTY FIGHTING OKRA 38-34
Jacksonville State at Arkansas
This game is going to be uglier than Rosie O’Donnell in a string Bikini
(If it makes you feel any better I kind of threw up a little bit when I wrote it)
HAWGS 54-10
Tusculum at Urbana
Ok here is what we have here….
A pesky mucus plug (Tusculum) is going to play a game against a foot wart (Urbana)..
Kind of makes you wonder if these are medical schools doesn’t it?
PESKY MUCUS 24-21
Nevada at California
I had every intention of watching this game between these two “high” powered offenses..
But I have to water my Chia Pets…
Life is about setting priorities
DA BEARS 6-3
Hawaii at Southern California
O’ My what a “tough” out of conference opponent for the “mighty” Trojans!
This matchup is Frightening!
LAME TROJANS 161-0
Bowling Green at Florida
Do you know what you get when you cross a Falcon and a Gator?
A dead falcon….
MIGHY GATORS 35-10
Buffalo at Georgia
I wonder if the Buffalo team is called the “Wings”?
That would make sense wouldn’t it?
I will have to look into that…
BIG BAD DAWGS 44-0
Juniata at Thiel College
Many of you have voiced your concerns about this game..
“Has Juanita’s weight loss affected her ability to wrestle and fight?”
“Wasn’t Juanita on this past season of “The Biggest Loser”?
Let me take these one at a time…
“Yes” Juanita was on the hit NBC program “The Biggest Loser” but was kicked off the program after one episode for beating one of the celebrity fitness instructors senseless over a jelly donut.
She is still in fighting “Shape”
J – LO 27-14
Tulsa at Iowa State
This game will feature “Golden Hurricanes” and “Cyclones”
So I don’t know if somebody is going to lose a trailer house in this game or get a mixed drink in a funny glass with a paper umbrella in it. This is all so confusing
CYCLONES 28-24
Northwestern State at Texas Tech
The Demons of State gets converted at the Home of the Great Buddy Holly
Hallelujah!
GET THOSE GUNS UP! RED RAIDERS! 45-0
Austin Peed at Western Kentucky
Is that a “typo”? Is that really the name of the school “Austin Peed”?
What is the name of their football team “The Urinal Cakes”?
That’s disgusting
HILLTOPPERS 24-14
North Texas at LSU
Before the Third Quarter is over the “Mean Green” will be reduced to…
“Complacent Yellow”
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 43-10
Southeastern Louisiana at Missouri
MO knows a thing or two about Lion taming…
So does Curley, but that’s not what we are talking about here
MO’s TIGERS 38-0
St Olaf College at Luther
In Honor of the start of the 2012 College Football Season….
It’s time to repeat the most stirring and awe inspiring college fight song in the nation…
Please feel free to sing along with me wherever you are…
Um! Yah! Yah!
“We come from St. Olaf, we sure are the real stuff.
Our team is the cream of the colleges great.
We fight fast and furious, our team is injurious.
Tonight Carleton College will sure meet its fate.
Um! Yah! Yah!, Um! Yah! Yah!
Um! Yah! Yah!, Um! Yah! Yah!
Um! Yah! Yah!, Um! Yah! Yah!
Um! Yah! Yah! Yah!
Um! Yah! Yah!, Um! Yah! Yah!
Um! Yah! Yah!, Um! Yah! Yah!
Um! Yah! Yah!, Um! Yah! Yah!
Um! Yah! Yah! Yah!”
EDITORS NOTE: That was so motivating; I simply don’t have the words to continue
ST OLIES 28-10
Central Arkansas at Ole Miss
This game will be confusing as hell to the average spectator…
The Central Arkansas team is called the “Bears”, so they have a “Bear” mascot
Are you with me so far?
Ole Miss is called the “Rebels” and they also have a “Bear” for a mascot…
Yeah, this is even too jacked up for me…
REBEL BEAR 28-10
Appalachian State at East Carolina
This game will be a knock down, last man standing affair…
It will be worth watching…
PIRATES 33-31
Southern University at New Mexico
The Jaguars have one question on their minds for this game..
“Is it always this DAMN hot in New Mexico?”
LOBOS on a HOBO 34-13
Valdosta State at Saginaw Valley
The Valdosta “Blazers” have retained a team sponsorship with “The Men’s Warehouse” this year
I wonder if the “Blazers” get a discount on the “Blazers”?
Just Wondering…
BLAZERS 38-24
Northwestern at Syracuse
WARNING! I have on good authority that ESPN’s Pam “Serial Ear Rapist” Ward will be announcing this game, so please take the proper precautions if you intend on watching this game, please be sure and hit the “mute” button before viewing any portion of the game.
No need to thank me, it’s what I do
WILDCATS 31-21
Miami (OH) at Ohio State
It’s that time of year….
The Buckeyes begin their “Beat Every College in Ohio’s Ass” Tour…
Next week they take on the College of Restaurant and Culinary Arts from Wooster Ohio
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 38-17
Savannah State at Oklahoma State
This game with the “Cowboys” and the “Tigers” will be like watching Siegfried and Roy
But without all the gayness…
COWBOY UP! 54-0
Shepherd Tech at Arkansas Monticello
Two words for you concerning this game…
“BOLL WEEVILS” WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOO!!
FIGHTING BOLL WEEVILS 41-10
Nicholls State at Oregon State
This matchup makes me wish I had a Penny for Nicholls thoughts on the game
MIGHTY BEAVERS 44-9
Ohio at Penn
Penn what? What did they Penn?
Open ended questions like this drive me nuts…
BOBCATS 31-7
Tennessee Martin at Memphis
I don’t know what Martin was thinking when he scheduled this game
He is going to get an Elvis size ass whipping
ELVIS’s TIGERS 43-10
Texas State at Houston
There is a lot of Cats in this one…
Bobcats and Cougars..
I sure hope they have a big enough litter box
COUGARS 44-10
Wyoming at Texas
It’s a Stampede! Cowboy Down!
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-17
San Diego State at Washington
Interesting Historical Fact: Do you know what Ancient Aztecs were most afraid of?
Other than being selected for ritual sacrifice?
Dogs….
I read about it in an in-flight magazine
HUSKIES 33-17
Marshall at West Virginia
This instate brawl and make no mistake it is a brawl…
Is called “The Friends of Coal Bowl”
It’s going to be a heck of a game, for a little while
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17
Lamar at Louisiana Lafayette
Everybody in High School said Lamar was crazy as a Texas road lizard…
I guess they were right
RAJUN CAJUNS 28-14
Jackson State at Mississippi State
I break this game down to its “common denominators” before my selection
The Bulldogs are big, strong and fast and well prepared for this game
The Tigers are none of the above…
BULLY DOGS 38-14
Alabama A&M at Tuskegee
This instate Alabama rivalry isn’t as intense as some you may have heard of in the state..
But it means just as much to the players, fans and alumni as any other rivalry in the state
BULLDOGS 24-17
Western Michigan at Illinois
I have a very good reason why I won’t be able to watch this titanic matchup..
Two words for you..
“Sea Monkeys and Sea Monkey Accessories”
Which is clearly more than just two words but you get the drift
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 28-21
Idaho State at Air Force
The team from Idaho is called the “Bengals”?
That doesn’t make any sense to me since there aren’t any Bengals in Idaho.
Maybe they meant “Ben’s Gals”?
O.k. that was just creepy
MIGHTY FALCONS 31-14
South Dakota State at Kansas
Would you like to know what’s going to be interesting about this matchup?
Nothing
JAY’S HAWKS 24-10
Oklahoma at Texas El Paso
The Miners of El Paso will be three touchdowns behind by the time they hear…
“Will you please rise for our National Anthem…”
BOOMER SOONERS 54-10
Texas College at Incarnate Word
Here we go again….
The people at this college think they are the ONLY people in the country to have the “Incarnate Word”
Well I got a news flash for you “Incarnate Word” know it all’s!
That kind of arrogance and self promotion makes you look stupid
Glad I got that out of my system
RUNNING STEERS 31-17
Rutgers at Tulane
The “Green Wave” will be dried up by halftime….
If not before..
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 41-10
Elon at North Carolina
If you find this game intriguing, then I am betting you own an Ant Farm
Am I right?
TAR HEELS 45-0
Virginia Military Institute at Delaware State
How can you call yourself a Southern and NOT pull for the Keydets of VMI over the Hornets?
My point exactly…
KEYDETS 24-20
William and Mary at Maryland
I hope Bill and Mary are wearing their 3D Glasses for this game…
Looking at those butt ugly Maryland uniforms will make you have a damn seizure
BUTT UGLY TURTLES 34-10
Missouri State at Kansas State
Just a word to the viewers at home: These Missouri State Bears are NOT to be confused with the Ole Miss “Black Bear” Rebels. I hope that enhances your viewing enjoyment
WILDCATS 41-7
Richmond at Virginia
This Battle in the Old Dominion may not be the best game on the schedule…
But it will be a tussle, until the Cavaliers ride the Boys from Richmond down
CAVALIERS 24-17
Marist at Bryant University
I would like to pick Bryant for obvious reasons..
But that Marist is a Real Fox
RED FOX 24-20
Miami (FL) at Boston College
This early match in the ACC is going to be a good one….
Hold on to your seat, it will come down to who has the football last
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 24-21
South Dakota at Montana
The Jackrabbits of Dakota are no joke and this could very well be a shoot-out
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-34
Southern Miss at Nebraska
This game is going to be close until the Big Red Machine starts to wear the Golden Eagles down
But don’t count them out of the game..
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-24
Northern Iowa at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of Processed Aerosol Cheese Whiz
CHEESE HEADS 53-6
Iowa at Northern Illinois
These Huskies will be reduced to puppies by the time the Hawkeyes get finished pounding on them
HAWKEYES 34-10
Eastern Kentucky at Purdue
The folks from Richmond Kentucky are called the “Colonels”…
I wonder if their mascot looks like Colonel Sanders?
That would be a beautiful thing..
BOILERMAKERS 28-17
Furman at Samford
So we have Chewbacca’s cousin’s college and Fred Samford’s School of Junk Yard Engineering
It’s a tossup…
FURRY MAN 24-21
Murray State at Florida State
I have thoroughly researched this game and came to only one conclusion on how the Pacers of Murray can win this game and although it’s a slim chance there is still a chance for a major upset here.
It comes down to this…
“IF” and it’s a big if….
But “if” the Seminoles don’t show up to play the game in their home stadium, then the Pacers have a legitimate chance of winning this game.
You’re Welcome
JUMBO’S NOLES 44-10
Youngstown State at Pittsburg
There are Penguins in Youngstown Ohio?
I told you those folks live ten miles from the Arctic Circle, didn’t I?
I think this proves my point
PANTHERS 33-17
Jacksonville at Georgia Southern
The Dolphins travel up Interstate 95 to take on the Mighty Eagles
Welcome to the Statesboro Blues
EAGLES 34-17
Charleston Southern at Citadel
This is supposed to be a “big” game in Charleston South Carolina..
Some even call it a “big” rivalry game
Yeah, I know, but we don’t care
BULLDOGS 24-10
Liberty at Wake Forest
Isn’t Liberty’s team called the “Flamers”?
It’s nice to know that Kenny Chesney has his own college…
Too bad Kenny replaced Chick-fil-A…with a “Corndog King” on campus
DEMON DEACONS 52-0
Clemson at Auburn
Two Tigers square off on the loveliest plains in Alabama
It’s going to be a good one
WAR DAMN EAGLE 23-21
Chattanooga at South Florida
I have a Chattanooga story for you before we make this week’s pick…
Roy Rogers was invited to a western town for a big award for saving all the residents from a recent flood and for the occasion he went a bought a brand new shinny pair of cowboy boots.
While riding his trusty horse “Trigger” to the town he was attacked by a mountain lion that was perched on a cliff near the trail he was riding on.
In the ensuing tussle Roy killed the mountain lion but his cowboy boots were nothing but torn strips of leather hanging on his feet. Tired and battered, Roy threw the dead mountain lion over the back of Trigger and they rode on into town.
When the town’s people saw Roy dismount Trigger and looked at the tattered remains of his shinny new boots, they pointed at the dead mountain lion draped across Trigger and sang…
“Hey Roy, is that Cat who Chewed your New Shoes!”
And that’s…
NO BULL 28-17
Florida International at Duke
A word for the folks from Florida…
Just because you have an International House of Pancakes a block from your campus..
Doesn’t make you “International”, ok?
DEVILS of BLUE 24-20
Robert Morris at North Dakota State
Isn’t “Robert Morris” a cigarette company?
And they have their own college?
Well, that’s Kool…..
MIGHTY BISON 33-10
Indiana State at Indiana
This “not so” bitter instate rivalry between the Fighting Sycamores and the Hoosiers is played for a rather unusual trophy. The Winner of this game gets to take home the “Bucket of Spit”
Yippee!
HOOSIERS 20-10
Michigan at Alabama
The marquee game of the College Football Kickoff Weekend
Two Powerhouse Teams meeting in Cowboy Stadium
It’s going to be a good one
CRIMSON TIDE 28-24
Toledo at Arizona
The Rich Rod Era starts in the Desert of Arizona…
In honor of this auspicious occasion…
Rita Rod has promised to “ugly” the Toledo team into submission…
And if you haven’t seen her lately…
She is so ugly she can make a watch run backwards…
Even if it’s digital
WILDCATS 14-3
Arkansas State at Oregon
I know, I know…..
The folks in Jonesboro are “all excited” about the “new” coaching staff!
But this one is going to get really ugly fast…
QUACKS 54-0
Colorado State at Colorado
This bitter instate rivalry is called the Rocky Mountain Showdown and it’s played for the Centennial Cup
Coach Jim McElwain who was Alabama’s offensive coordinator took over this year as the head coach of the Colorado State football program. That’s good enough for me here
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
RAM TOUGH 31-28
Kentucky at Louisville
This is the way to kickoff a college football season….
With a bitter instate rivalry game for “The Commonwealth Cup”
The Cats are going to get spanked and that’s No Joke
STRONGER CARDINALS 34-10
Southern Methodist at Baylor
You can call me “Crazy” if you want..
It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from mental health professionals
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-28
Sunday September 2nd
Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech
Another early season slugfest in the ACC, this game could easily determine who will go to the ACC Championship game. Yes, it’s that important
FIGHTING TURKEYS 24-21
North Alabama at Miles
This game is going to be played in the “Football Capitol of the South”
In Legion Field in Birmingham Alabama…
The Legendary Lion Coach, Bobby Wallace has returned to Coach the Lions….
This is it….
The Mighty Florence Lions take the first step of the season towards the National Championship
Believe it..
MIGHTY LIONS 38-14
Enjoy your games…..
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD