Ladies and Gentlemen –
As promised it’s time for the second installment of the College Football Preseason Extravaganza
We have a lot more on the way in the coming weeks, so stay tuned…
Enjoy…..
THE 2012 COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON
No matter which university, college or team you support…..
This season you can expect to see and experience a wide variety of thrills and disappointments, but some things remain constant during the college football season.
What might those things be you may ask?
GAME DAY STUDIO(S): For no apparent reason the executives at every major television network are under the misguided opinion that “WE” the college football fans are oblivious to the game, our teams the importance of the games etc.
How can I make such an outrageous claim?
Why else do they put ten talking heads in a studio to “breakdown” the games for us?
Perhaps I am being too hard on the likes of ESPN’s Mark “Milk Dud Head” May….
Because they have such noteworthy things to say like….
“This football game is important to both teams”
And this little pearl of wisdom
“If they want to win this game they will have to score more points than the other team”
Brilliant, just brilliant.
COMMERCIALS: There will be a litany of commercials that will bombard the mind during the most crucial times of your games. Some will be humorous, while others will be mind numbing…
For example:
Do we really need to know that “when the mood strikes” you can take some medicine that will make your personal business harder than woodpecker lips?
No we do not.
Then my all time favorite…..
“If you want to stop smoking, suck on this damn thing that looks like a giant tampon and your nicotine cravings will diminish”
EDITORS NOTE: Well first of all, I don’t care who you are….
Unless you live in San Francisco people “will” talk about a grown man huffing on something that looks like that and secondly…Has anyone taken the time to listen to the “side effects” of that “product”?
“You may experience….”
Migraine headaches
Dizziness
Irritability
Nausea
And….
(Wait for it)
“Anal leakage”
You know what?
Screw it, go ahead and smoke.
At least you aren’t stumbling around mad at the world pooping on yourself.
And last but certainly not least from the Commercial File….
For the Love of God and in the Name of Coach Bryant STOP showing those damn commercials with that guy that looks like “Mister Belvidere” standing next to some hungry kid in Africa.
If the kid is that damn hungry, then you feed him, you are only two feet away from him!
I am going to go make some more nacho’s and get another beer….
DELAYED TELECASTS: For the life of me….
I cannot understand the infinite wisdom of the television programming powers
Why are we missing the opening kickoff of LSU and Florida game because the Eastern Middle Taxidermy Academy hasn’t finished their game with the “Mighty Fire Flies” of The Western Nevada Conservatory of Music?
Am I serious?
Yes, I most certainly am….
UNIVERSITY MARCHING BANDS: College Marching Bands playing our National Anthem before college football games is not only a part of the pageantry of College Football it is a part of the very fabric of the American culture.
And that is precisely the reason why the television networks won’t show you either one of them.
COMMENTATORS and ANNOUNCERS: This College Football Season you can expect….
“Studio Host” Jesse Palmer to mispronounce at least 287 college football player’s names on the air….
Former College Football Coach and current ESPN College Football “analyst” Lou Holtz will continue to sound like Sylvester the Cat while extolling the virtues of Notre Dame Football.
Also he will send a Tsunami of spit through the ESPN studio in November of 2012 when he attempts to say “Missouri is playing during Thanksgiving”
“Occasional” CBS Studio guest and former Tennessee Volunteer Coach Phil Fulmer will announce that he and Wynonna Judd are “teaming together” to create a foundation to end “Hunger” in the United States.
“The foundation’s premise is simple” said Phil Fulmer recently
“We will indentify all the hungry and malnourished people and then Wynonna and I will eat them”
CBS “announcers” Gary Danielson and Vern Lundquist will finally admit on the “air” that they are both Satan worshipers, thus explaining how two “no talent” idiots ascended to the top of the CBS College Football Announcing Ranks.
CBS “sideline reporter” Tracy Wolfson will emerge from her latest stint at Rehab attempting to free herself from her addiction to “Cammy Cam Juice” and continue her quest for her next “celebrity crush”
Bret Musburger will formally announce with his shaking liver spotted hands that he has asked LSU’s “Honey Badger” to marry him in an informal ceremony.
“I just love saying Honey Badger…” said Bret
CBS Studio Host Spencer Tillman will continue to look like a Little Richard impersonator
EDITORS NOTE: Seriously Spencer, drop the makeup and the jerry curl, you are starting to look like Rick James illegitimate brother.
CBS Studio Co-Host Archie “Have you heard of my Son’s” Manning will continue to utter inaudible phrases throughout the year like:
“Yeah Huh”
“Geo Go Huh”
“Jab Huh They Do”
Sometime this season we will all miss the Great Keith Jackson….
ABC Sports “announcer” Bob “I handed the ball off to Larry Csonka” Griese will make yet another off the cuff remark this year and will be suspended for at least two weeks after he issues yet another formal apology.
I’m guessing it will go something like this….
“I want to apologize to everyone listening two weeks ago, when I made that comment about the Toenail Fungus Cartoon character in the commercial. To my knowledge the Toe Fungus character is NOT named “Geppetto” and he does NOT live in my pants”
ESPN’s Pam Ward will be indicted by an Ohio Grand Jury in September 2012 for “Ear Rape”
43 other states, including Puerto Rico and Guam will quickly follow suit with their own indictments…
CFB WIZARD EMAIL(S) OF THE WEEK
Q: Hey there Mister Wizard!
I got something that you need to be a warning your readers about!
My wife and kids and I live down here in Strawberry Plains Tennessee, smack dab in the heart of Volunteer Country (Go Big Orange!) Anyways we heard that they was a having them Olympics in London this year as you and everybody else probably already knows.
So anyways my wife and kids really wanted to go see them, you know and route the Americans on to victory. We even talked about how we was a going to do a “wave” in the stands (Just us family) and start shouting “U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!” and all that stuff.
I agreed to take them to see the Olympics and we got packed up and away we went!
Now let me tell you something, first of all them people in London is nothing but a bunch of damn LIARS!
We couldn’t find the Olympic stadium and nobody would give us any damn directions!
So we ended up a watching the opening ceremonies in the motel room on the first night and I will be a Son of a Damn Biscuit eater if we still couldn’t find the damn stadium the next morning.
So’s my wife says, I need to think about what we saw on the television and orient myself (I’m sorry my wife just corrected me and said we can’t say “orient” anymore cause it’s offensive to some people, and we is supposed to say Asian)
Like I was saying, my wife say’s I should think about what I saw on the television and Asian myself to my surroundings here in London.
And do you know what?
We drove around all damn morning with the kids a complaining cause it was hot and they was out of Yoo-Hoo’s and we couldn’t never find the damn London bridge or nothing else with the Olympics and we didn’t even seen anything we had seen on the television the night before!
Hell I couldn’t even find nobody that could give us any damn directions!
I would ask them local people from London a question and they would just start a laughing!
So after three days of riding around all over London looking for the damn Olympics we finally said..
“TO HELL WITH IT!” and I took the family to see Paris.
And you know what?
We was a looking for that Iffy Tower and all we saw was some damn water tower!
After that disappointment we just packed up and headed back to the house
So I want to warn ALL your readers!
Them Damn People in Paris and London Kentucky is nothing but a bunch of Damn LIARS!
That’s all I got to say
Fred and Gloria and Family – Strawberry Plain, Tennessee
A: I am speechless
Q: Mister Wizard man
My name Lenard “Collard Green” Collins.
They call me collard greeen cause I gots a haid shaped like a turnip.
Only thang turnip green don’t go wit Collins like collard green do. Well tha other day my boy ‘mater Head Hadley he went and said that them folks down to Grayson County Texas done went and had to bail my hero Randy Travis outta jail and they made him wear a Texas Longhorn hat on the way outta jail!
I don’t thank that was right cause I thought ole Randy Travis was a Aggie.
I thank they said he was nekkid too so that means them dam Longhorn folks probly got him so drunk that they stole his clothes and wrecked his damn car!
Do you thank it’s right for folks to go doin stuff like that to Randy Travis?
Do you thank they’ll put that on that disgustin Longhorn network?
Lenard – College Station, Texas
A: You’re an Aggie aren’t you Lenard?
Ah that explains it…
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
ESPN “The “MAGAZINE: Magazine: The front page of this “sports” magazine from the network of the same name recently had some disparaging remarks to say about the complete dominance of the Southeastern Conference in College Football and Collegiate Sports in general.
The “sports” magazine urged the Southern California Trojans to end this dynasty once and for all while gushing like a ten year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert over the “incredibly talented” Trojans and How (although they haven’t played a single down yet this year) may be the “greatest” college football team, ever!
Say, isn’t this the same magazine and sports network that NEVER reported a word about the Reggie Bush scandal at the University of Southern California?
Listen closely ESPN…..
Get some credibility, even just a smidge and then maybe we will listen to what you have to say
And take that Trojan lollipop out of your mouth while you’re at it
PENN STATE: As the Administration continues to prostrate themselves at the altar of public opinion, the athletic department had devised one of the most ridiculous ideas ever conceived in all of college sports.
Are you ready?
Penn State will be changing their uniforms…..
Hang On, it gets better….
The Penn State Athletic Department wants to have the names of all the “victims” of the Jerry Sandusky fiasco on all their jerseys.
EDITORS NOTE: O’ Yeah that’s a good idea…..
I can see it now….
A bunch of guys and their wives are at a neighbor’s house watching a game….
JIM: Hey Billy isn’t that YOUR name on that Penn State jersey?
BILLY: What?
JIM: Look at number 72, yeah that’s your name right there!
BILLY: No, there are a lot of people with that name…
JIM: Billy did you play nude leap frog with coach Jerry?
BILLY: I’m going to the garage to get my weed eater you better be gone when I get back!
JIM: But it’s only the first quarter!
NOTRE LAME: “Play like a Chump-ion Today”
Finally there is some truth in advertising….
WASHINGTON STATE: Remember you read it here first…
The Pirate Coach of the Cougars Mike Leach is slowly building a winning team
Believe it
PAUL FINEBAUM: Why anybody continues to listen to the Jerry Springer of the airwaves is beyond me
He puts the “Dumb” in “Ass”
NORTH DAKOTA: North Dakota voters overwhelmingly decided Tuesday to let the state’s flagship university dump a controversial Fighting Sioux nickname that sparked threats of NCAA sanctions, ending — at least temporarily — a dispute simmering for decades that divided sports fans, alumni and even tribes.
The matter boiled over seven years ago when the University of North Dakota was placed on a list of schools with American Indian nicknames that the NCAA deemed hostile and abusive. Those colleges were told to dump the names or risk penalties against their athletic teams.
This is a political matter with no celebration,” said Tim O’Keefe, executive vice president and CEO of the UND Alumni Association and Foundation. “We’ve said all along that this is not an issue about preference. Clearly if that were the case, the name would be staying. The price of keeping the name is simply too high.”
The NCAA banned UND from hosting postseason tournaments and said the school could not use the nickname or logo in postseason play, or else it must forfeit those games. The men’s hockey team wore Sioux-logo jerseys in the regular season but switched sweaters in the playoffs.
Voter Mark Kolstad, of Fargo, said he feels that the state has no choice but to let UND dump the Fighting Sioux moniker.
“I think it’s kind of dead issue,” he said. “If you keep the name and you keep the logo, who do you play?”
A settlement agreement with the NCAA called for UND to retire the nickname unless it received approval from both the Standing Rock and Spirit Lake Sioux tribes by the end of 2010. Only Spirit Lake passed a resolution supporting the name. Standing Rock has not held a vote.
Many American Indians lobbied for the name and logo to be kept, arguing that they reflected a positive image for their tribes. Eunice Davidson, an enrolled member of the Spirit Lake tribe and member of the committee to save the nickname, was too devastated to talk about the result, her husband Dave Davidson said.
“I will be honest with you. I’m heartbroken and I’m ashamed of this state,” Dave Davidson said. “On the other hand, there are a lot of wonderful people we have met in the course of this.”
EDITORS NOTE: It’s a sad damn day in this country when a university can’t decide whatever in the hell they want to call themselves without a bunch of “Tolerance Tyrants” getting involved.
TENNESSEE: Remember you heard it here first……
Former Arkansas Coach Bobby “Easy Rider” Petrino will be named as the next Coach of the Tennessee Volunteers in December of 2012
Believe it
LOUISVILLE: The Kentucky Wildcats are always on the Cardinals of Louisville’s mind
BOBBY LOWDER: Disposed Auburn Dictator Bobby Lowder is plotting his return from exile after what he considers to be a subpar year for the Mighty Tigers football team in 2011.
Recently the Auburn Alumni, Booster and “Trustee for Life” had this to say to a Montgomery newspaper
“I brought a unique brand of leadership to the university that appears to be lacking in my absence”
EDITORS NOTE: Let me ask you a question Bobby….
When you say “unique brand of leadership” does that mean donations to the “right” Reverend Cecil Newton’s Church of the Holy Quarterback?
I’m just asking
HOUSTON NUTT: Believe it or not…..
Houston is politicking to return “next” year as the Arkansas Razorbacks Head Football Coach…
What a Nutt….
NCAA: This is going to be funny…..
The NCAA and the four major professional leagues sued New Jersey on Tuesday, saying the state’s plan to allow sports betting violates federal law and threatens the “character and integrity” of sporting events.
Major League Baseball, the National Basketball Association, the National Hockey League, the National Football league and the NCAA filed the lawsuit in federal court in Trenton.
The leagues say New Jersey’s proposal to allow sports betting is “in clear and flagrant violation” of a 1992 federal law, the Professional and Amateur Sports Protection Act, which restricts betting on collegiate and professional games to four states: Delaware, Montana, Nevada and Oregon. New Jersey was given a chance to become the fifth state, but declined to act during a yearlong window from 1993 to 1994.
Gov. Chris Christie signed a law in January to allow sports betting at New Jersey’s 12 casinos, four racetracks and on the site of a closed racetrack. In May, he said he would move forward with the regulations without attempting to get the 1992 law overturned. The regulations were published in July and are expected to become effective within the next two months.
Christie on Tuesday predicted the state would prevail.
“I don’t believe that the federal government has the right to decide that only certain states can have sports gambling. On what basis?” Christie said. “And it doesn’t acknowledge that there is illegal sports gambling going on in every state in America, as we speak. So why is this more injurious than illegal sports gambling to the operations of the league or the NCAA?”
A spokesman for the New Jersey Gaming Commission “Big Tony” Bambino had this to say..
“People like to gamble, what are you going to do? Make them stop? Forget about it!”
AUBURN: In June of this year Desmonte Leonard went to a party at an apartment complex near Auburn University and killed two Auburn Football players, wounded another player and wounded three other people.
Tiger players Ed Christian and Ladarious Phillips were killed.
Eric Mack was hospitalized but released.
If this wasn’t bad enough…
Several Face Book sites emerged “supporting” the murderer
Some postings had this to say:
“You go Little D, stay strong man”
“Don’t Be hate’n on Little D if you don’t know the story”
“D show he is straight up Gangsta, stay real D”
EDITORS NOTE: Is this what our country has come too?
People will actually come out and support a cold blooded murder?
Because that is exactly what Desmonte Leonard is, a cold blooded murder that should die for his crimes
What has become of our Country?
SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS
Greetings from the heart of SEC Country!!
It’s hot down here in South Georgia but that’s not stopping our hometown boys from preparing for another exciting season of Trojan Football. Although we didn’t fare too well on the scoreboard in 2011, these kids are optimistic and are ready to turn the corner in the always rough and tumble Region 2-A. To steal a quote from the SEC media days, “You won’t have Telfair County to kick around anymore” is the prevailing sentiment.
Big Blue walked away from the 2011 season with a 1-9 record and ended up with some new leadership. After struggling at 1-19 the last two years, Coach Daffron was replaced by Coach Matt Burleson who was the defensive coordinator at Johnson County. Burleson was an integral part of a program that went 16-2 in tough region 3-A play over the last three years. I’m sure Coach Burleson will instill a winning spirit in these Trojans and lead them to new heights on the gridiron. On August 24th they get things started with a trip to Soperton, Ga for a preseason scrimmage against region 3-A opponent Treutlan. Afterward, the Boys in Blue have home games against Wheeler County, Baconton Charter, Clinch, Turner, Lanier, and Charlton Counties. Road games include visits to Jeff Davis, Southeast Bullock, Irwin and Wilcox Counties. Once again, a big game looms against arch rival Charlton County, so circle November 2nd on your calendars. Coach Matt Burleson is putting the team though their paces and has great expectations against a tough lineup of opponents for the upcoming season.
Meanwhile, a couple of hours north of us, up in Athens, Mark Richt is preparing those Red Clay Hounds for, what could be, a breakout season of SEC Football. The dogs lost their heir apparent running back a few weeks ago but should have plenty left in the cupboard to challenge once again for SEC East supremacy. The Clark Countians start things off with a home warm-up against Buffalo and then make a much anticipated trip to Columbia, Missouri to take on the Tigers in the debut game in the SEC for the home town Cats. Afterwards, the Hounds take on Florida Atlantic, Vandy, Tennessee, Ole Miss, Georgia Southern, and Tech at home. On the road, there are visits to Lexington, South Click, and Auburn, with a side trip to Jacksonville for a little Cocktail Party pause. The schedule definitely favors the Bulldogs with 8 home games and many teams on the rebound from less than productive seasons in 2011. Circle the trip to Williams-Bryce stadium on your calendars’, folks. With the Bantams sporting a tough SEC schedule this year, they will be bristling for a brawl in this ever intensifying rivalry for SEC East dominance.
Over in Hot-lanta, the Slide Rule Jocks are hoping to improve on an 8-5 season that concluded with a tough loss to Sun Bowl opponent Utah. The Jackets stare straight down the barrel of a gun with their first game against always tough conference foe VaTech on the road in Blacksburg. Home dates include matchups with Presbyterian, Virginia, Miami, Middle Tennessee State, BC, BYU, and Duke. A tough road schedule includes dates at Death Valley, Maryland, North Carolina, and a season ending, in state tussle between the hedges. The Wreck seems to have improved themselves on offense but the defense will need to throw out some unsolvable equations if they hope to contain the Hokies, Cats, and Dawgs. Paul Johnson’s Junkers should improve on last years record, but I only see, maybe, one more win.
Up the road in Statesboro, the Big Blue Birds of Prey are coming off a deep run in FCS post season play. The always tough SoCon will be a beast to conquer this year, but the Eagles are going to give it another herculean effort. Topping an 11-3 record and winning a REAL Football National Championship is the goal every year at Beautiful Eagle Creek, and the Birds are itching to get started. Home dates include Jacksonville University, Elon, Samford, Wofford, App State, & Howard while road trips include stops at The Citadel, Western Carolina, Furman, Chattanooga, and Sanford Stadium. I see another strong run for the Blue Birds and somebody might let the homestanding Hounds that GSU won’t be there just for a payoff.
The season is slowly creeping up on us and I just want to share a few things with you.
Things I like:
Home games here in McRae. There’s nothing like going to the football field on Friday night. The anticipation builds throughout the day. The sights and smells dazzle the brain. Cars lined up waiting to get a parking spot. Friends I haven’t seen since last football season. The smell of popcorn, burgers, and dogs drifting over the stands. The smell of cut hay and peanuts that have been gathered. The lights as you approach the field after sunset as the season progresses. I just can’t get enough of that.
Mark Richt. The head man in Athens made a statement a few weeks ago with the dismissal of Isiah Crowell. I think he effectively told the team to tow the line. We’ll see if teammates listened.
Paul Johnson. He doesn’t say much but he’s got Tech winning again.
Georgia and Georgia Tech. The flagship University of Georgia needs that little brother, if nothing else, to keep them firmly grounded. No matter how much Bulldog fans deny it, Tech does have some pretty big obstacles to overcome to put a competitive team on the field. The landscape of College football has changed since the glory days of Heisman, Alexander, and Dodd. They have great traditions. Every once in a while they slip up and beat the Dogs. That victory for the little guy keeps them interested, keeps the Dawgs honest, and keeps the rivalry alive.
Saturdays in the fall – Nothing throughout the rest of the year compares. As a youngster, watching Georgia, Alabama, Southern Cal, Notre Dame, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and others was an almost mystical experience. I’d ride with my Dad to a little bar on Saturday’s after he finished his half day of work. He’d take me in and order me one of those little 6 oz Coca-Cola’s (Co-Colas back in those days) while he had himself a Bud, and I’d watch the TV they had behind the bar. Keith Jackson, would comment and excitedly shout out one his famous “Whoooooaaa-Nelly”s after a big play. I’d get home and get with the neighborhood kids and imagine we were players from the earlier game and play until dark. Now? The anticipation is still there, but there’s no more Leonard’s Losers and Dad has passed. But the nervousness and anticipation…. Watching those games with my boys…. Talking about the game that was and the game to come…. It won’t be long
Aaron Murray – If you ever met the amicable Mr Murray out in public, I would think you would never imagine him as a college football player. Although I’m not a “Tweeter” or “Face-Booker”, from what I’ve read, his tweets and posts are legendary, yet down to earth. From photos of him jumping off of lake houses at Lake Burton to his frequent “fashion updates”, he keeps his celebrity in perspective. I really like this kid.
Things I don’t like:
Some Fans – I understand the frenzy and zealousness of a team’s supporters. But I think there is a deep divide between the younger generation and mine. Younger folks like controversy and “in your face.” My generation is a bit more reserved. It’s most evident in the comments section of the Atlanta Paper. I’m sure that Jeff Schultz and Mark Bradley are fine individuals. They are paid to write opinions. However, many “fans” fail to realize that we don’t have to agree with everything someone writes. But, just because we don’t agree is no reason to blow the proverbial gasket and go into a rage. Let’s be civil. Let’s be thoughtful.
Let’s be respectful.
Other Fans – Prior to Crowell being kicked off the Georgia football team, Coach Richt was getting tremendous heat for not taking more decisive action against some of his athletes that ran afoul of the rules and regulations of the University and the law. After Crowell was dismissed from the team, Coach Richt was criticized for being too strict. Other people criticized him for his loyalty to his assistants. I understand the intensity and passion of some people regarding their football team. I don’t understand just plain out meanness. A loss to Kentucky and Vandy a few years ago had Richt on the hot seat. But, let’s not forget, when we compare Coach Dooley’s record over his first ten years to Coach Richt’s, we are enjoying a much better rate of success. Had we given up on Dooley, as some want to do today with Richt, we might not have that National Championship bling in our trophy case
Well, that’s all I have for now. Here’s hoping that the Trojans have a great season, the Dogs and Jackets much success and represent our state well, and those Eagles from Statesboro continue to soar. Good luck to your teams and may all your recruits be 5 stars and all your games be memorable
And remember….
Make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.
Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth
Your Next Installment of the 2012 College Football Extravaganza will have your Conference Picks, a word from the self described “Greatest Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet” Hootie Snitch and much, much more…
So Stay Tuned…
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD