Ladies and Gentlemen
As I continue to recuperate from my ride with the lightening, a document of Biblical proportions was brought to my attention by a good friend of mine who just so happens to be a University of Texas Longhorn Alumni
He provided me with this bombshell that he attained through the Republic of Texas Freedom Act.
It’s the actual text messages from former Arkansas Razorback Coach Bobby Petrino and his 25 year old blonde mistress that took place during the Arkansas – Vanderbilt game this past year on October 29, 2011.
As you may remember the game between the Arkansas Razorbacks and the Vanderbilt Commodores in Nashville was a close contest, closer that any of the experts predicted and now we know why. Although the Razorbacks struggled mightily throughout the game, they eventually won 31-28.
Due to the lengthy content of texts that took place during the game we will only look at a brief period that took place halfway into the fourth quarter.
BACKGROUND: The Nationally ranked Number 8 Arkansas Razorbacks had fallen behind by 14 points to the unranked Vanderbilt Commodores in Nashville and were struggling in the middle of the fourth quarter to make a comeback against the upset minded Commodores.
What you might not have realized is that during the game Coach Bobby Petrino used text messaging throughout the game to not only text his mistress but to text his assistant offensive coordinator as well.
One of the assistant offensive coordinators would receive the “calls” from Coach Bobby and then relayed the play to the offensive coordinator on the field to signal the play to the quarterback.
For the purposes of this re-enactment Offensive Coordinator Number 1 will receive the incoming messages from Arkansas Head Coach Bobby Petrino and then relay that play to Offensive Coordinator Number 2 who will then relay that play to quarterback.
The score stands at Vanderbilt 28 and Arkansas 14 midway into the fourth quarter, we resume the action as Arkansas has the football first and ten at their own twenty yard line after a Vanderbilt punt.
TEXT MESSAGES
Offensive Coordinator #1: What are you thinking here coach?
COACH BOBBY: Who’s your Big Hawg?
Offensive Coordinator #1: What? You want to run a goal line formation at the 20?
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: (Smiley Face)
Offensive Coordinator #2: He wants to call a run? Seriously?
Offensive Coordinator #1: Bobby is genius, he must see something we don’t
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are like the hottest coach EVER! (Smiley Face)
COACH BOBBY: I’ve got something hot for you
Offensive Coordinator #1: I hope so coach because we just lost three yards on that last play
COACH BOBBY: What? Wait. No run the Dallas X47 Out Dash
Offensive Coordinator #1: That’s more like it Boss
Offensive Coordinator #2: Finally!
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I can’t wait to show you this trick I learned (Smiley face)
COACH BOBBY: You have a special trick 2 show me?
Offensive Coordinator #1: Not on hand coach but we could run the Denver 26 Cut In-N-Out
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are such a naughty Hog (Smiley face)
COACH BOBBY: You’re so naughty!!!!!!!!!!!
Offensive Coordinator #1: What? I called the play just like you said!
Offensive Coordinator #2: Good call on the Denver 26 cut Z in and out; we have another first down, what’s next ?????
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I bought a nurses uniform, it’s sooooo naughty
COACH BOBBY: That is so hot
Offensive Coordinator #1: What is Coach?
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U ARE! (Smiley Face)
COACH BOBBY: Ok where are we again here ????
Offensive Coordinator #2: What’s he saying I am going to have to call a time out if we can’t signal a damn play in!
Offensive Coordinator #1: Hang on; the coach is under a lot of pressure here!
COACH BOBBY: I can’t wait to play doctor with you! I will bring my big needle! (Smiley Face)
Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach wants us to call Doc Needle Down 22
Offensive Coordinator #2: What the hell? He wants a quarterback sneak?
Offensive Coordinator #1: He knows what he’s doing
Offensive Coordinator #2: It’s second and 15 after the penalty!
Offensive Coordinator #1: He knows what he’s doing
COACH BOBBY: I’m so hot for you right now u naughty nurse I think I need a complete checkup!
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: Will I get a spanking for being so naughty (frowny face)
COACH BOBBY: What was that one thing you did the other night what did you call it?
Offensive Coordinator #1: Flea flicker play? The one we did in practice?
Offensive Coordinator #2: What’s he saying?
Offensive Coordinator #1: Down Town Brown 88
Offensive Coordinator #2: Flea flicker? I should have taken the job at Nebraska
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: (Smiley Face)
COACH BOBBY: (EDITED Comment due to this is a family column)
Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach we don’t have that number in our playbook
Offensive Coordinator #2: I have to call another time out if we don’t call in a play right NOW!!
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are such a naughty Hog (Smiley Face)
Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach must be dyslexic from all the stress so call 96 Snake
Offensive Coordinator #2: Now you are talking. I was just joking about the job with Nebraska they never offered me a job
Offensive Coordinator #1: Whatever
Offensive Coordinator #1: TOUCHDOWN! Great Call Coach!
COACH BOBBY: We Just scored!
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: You are going 2 score later u big naughty hog!
(Smiley face)
Offensive Coordinator #1: Going for one point here coach
COACH BOBBY: I’m going for it all!!!!!!!!!
Offensive Coordinator #1: That’s the attitude coach!
COACH BOBBY: Yeah the One Point thing, we still have time to win
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U Can Have it all 2 Naughty Hog Man!
Offensive Coordinator #2: Seriously I was only joking about the job with Nebraska
Offensive Coordinator #1: Let it go dude
COACH BOBBY: I am going 2 send you that picture of me again that’s a side shot!!!
Offensive Coordinator #1: You want an onside kick? Are you sure?
Offensive Coordinator #2: What’s he saying?
COACH BOBBY: Yeah Ok whatever onside kick sure go ahead
Offensive Coordinator #2: Our kicker pulled a groin muscle he can’t do that!
Offensive Coordinator #1: Just call the play dumbass
Offensive Coordinator #2: Seriously I was only joking about the job with Nebraska
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I want you to cross the goal line later! (Smiley Face)
COACH BOBBY: I will cross the goal line!!!
Offensive Coordinator #1: That’s the spirit coach!
Offensive Coordinator #2: I cannot believe we got the ball back after the onside kick it’s a damn miracle
Offensive Coordinator #1: What did I tell you! He’s a genius!
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: I have some hot wax and a monkey mask waiting 4 U!
COACH BOBBY: I’m such a dirty monkey
Offensive Coordinator #1: Coach wants to call “Go Bananas”
Offensive Coordinator #2: Bold Move
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U Are a Very Bad Monkey!! (Smiley Face)
COACH BOBBY: We just scored again and we R all tied up!
Offensive Coordinator #1: Genius Coach!
Offensive Coordinator #2: I’m a believer now
25 Year Old Blonde Mistress: U R going to get tied up later U dirty monkey!!!!!
Certainly there was more, but I think its best, under the circumstances to keep the rest of it close hold, after all this is a family column.
But in the words of Hank Hill
Damn It Bobby
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD