Letters of the Week

Ladies and Gentlemen –

It would appear that I have struck a nerve or two with last week’s commentaries.

I hope you enjoy the letters of the week…..

Today is the 67th Anniversary of D-Day

June 6 1944……

May we always remember and honor the courage of those brave men…

Enjoy….

EMAIL LETTERS OF THE WEEK

Sir –

I don’t know how I did it, but I have stumbled across something you may be interested in.
I was calling my Aunt Lucille up in Indiana the other day and I got a wrong number.
Boy, you don’t know how wrong it was.
You can’t say nothing and tell anybody who told you this, but I got the NCAA Violations Department Self Reporting Hotline!!!
Yep! And boy you wouldn’t believe what all they ask you. Here’s how it went:

Ring…Ring…Ring
“Welcome to the National Collegiate Athletics Associations Self Reporting Hotline”

To report a minor violation, press 1

To report a major violation, press 2

To report a lack of institutional control, press 3

If your name is Bobby Bowden, press 4

If you are an obviously guilty SEC school, press 5 to be transferred directly to the penalty committee.

If you are a PAC 10 or Big 10 Institution of Higher Learning who always follows the rules, press 6 to receive a sound scolding.

Well, I was scared as heck when I heard all this that I just hung up and didn’t go no further.
I thought I better send this stuff to somebody smart like you.
So, I think you need to check into this so you can let everybody know just what those crooks at the NCAA are doing. Hurry and call those folks and let us know what’s going on!!!

Go Dawgs!!!

Lemuel in Ludowici.

EDITORS NOTE: Somehow this doesn’t surprise me…..

Dear Mister Wizard Man

Since you helped that other feller out with his wife’s female doctor appointment, I got me a question for you. My wife and I live in Stockton Alabama in a previously owned double wide trailer with an above ground swimming pool in the back yard. Yes sir, life is good.

Auburn is the By God National Champions…..

My brother in law just graduated from taxidermy school…

My sister is a licensed beautician in the State of Alabama…

Now you might think with all that I have going for me that I ain’t got no problems, right?

Wrong!

I don’t know how to say it, so I will just spit it out…..
My Mother in Law has got the ugliest feet on planet earth.

The older she has gotten the more gnarled her toes look.
They all kind of cross over one another and I tell you, them toes of hers look like a cross between a gorillas foot and a pterodactyl‘s claw.

So we all get together around my above ground swimming pool on the weekends and just seeing them gnarled up toes of hers in sandals makes me want to throw up.

But I don’t know what to say without causing a family fuss, you know what I mean?
What do think I should do Wizard Man?
Sincerely
Leonard – Stockton, Alabama

EDITORS NOTE: I am referring this letter of inquiry to Hootie Snitch…
For deliberation and commentary….
He has far more experience in such matters, plus I don’t want to see any pictures.

Dear CFB Wizard –

It is with great despair that I come to you with the news of Jim Tressel’s resignation.
I know that you may have heard this already, but I don’t know how the earth will continue to turn without this iconic figure roaming the sidelines of the Ohio State football fields.

I wince when I think of the void to be left by his departure.

In fact I was involved in an interview, speaking of Jimmy, and shed tears over this course of events. I am also simply outraged that there are people that can’t see that if THE Ohio State University is involved in the undercurrents of chicanery involving student athletes then the world must have almost spun off its axis.

I know that Lou Holz shed a tear and spewed a sputum filled expectorate of anguish himself.
We will attempt to continue to give our most objective analysis of college football events as ever, but, rest assured. Our love for the “Coach” is undying.

Mark May
ESPN / ABC Sports

EDITORS NOTE: Sounds like somebody needs a hug…..

Dear Sir-
I would like to use your website as a forum to get my story out.
Contrary to what has been reported by the Columbus Dispatch, I DID NOT RESIGN, GET FIRED, OR QUIT!!!!
I am an omnipotent being.

After months of trials and tribulations I thought it in the best interest of THE Ohio State University to make a change at the top.
With that in mind, I thought it would be in the best interest of the University to claim my place as the NEW President, Athletic Director, Football coach, and Supreme Overlord of THE Ohio State University.
I typed up and submitted for release, the following statement:
After meeting with university officials, we agreed that it is in the best interest of Ohio State that I retain my position as head football coach and furthermore take over by bloodless coup the positions of President and Athletic Director. The recent situation has been a distraction for our great university and I make this decision for the greater good of our school.”

Little did anyone know that during that fateful news conference months ago, that the little minion, Gordon Gee, spoke the truth when he stated that he hoped that I didn’t fire him. After reviewing the entire situation carefully, I found that only one person could navigate this prestigious, pious, and upstanding institution through the rocky times that are to come.

If you noticed past news reports, the clause in my contract that called for my dismissal if there was evidence of wrong-doing or impropriety. Was I dismissed? No.

There was a compliance letter that I signed last year that stated that I knew of no indiscretions by my saintly players. Those two pieces of valuable evidence, therefore, prove that I am without sin. Should you need absolution for any indiscretions yourself, please feel free to come to my office for forgiveness and sanctity.

Sincerely,
Jim Tressel
President, Athletic Director, AND Head Football Coach
THE Ohio State University.

EDITORS NOTE: I am surprised he didn’t use the word “King” anywhere in the letter.

Dear Sir –
As Athletic Director of THE Ohio State University I am deeply alarmed by the unfolding events within our beloved football program. As you already know, we here at THE Ohio State University have always run a pristine, squeaky clean program with one of the largest compliance departments that is second to none.

This has enabled us to not only provide a quality education to our student athletes but to also have the privilege of being able to point accusatory fingers at other, less prominent, and less upstanding programs mostly from a conference that I won’t mention by name.
I will give you a hint. It rhymes with “mouth beastern”.
And here’s one more. It’s a direction that is opposite of Northwestern, but, not like the school.
So, as I was saying, it is obvious that there is a huge problem.

This problem is obviously not THE Ohio State University, so it must be the system from which we operate.
It is with this in mind that I think we should go ahead and IMMEDIATELY give stipends to student athletes so that we will be able to come “out of the closet”, so to speak, and then we won’t have to suspend our coach or players next year.

Of course, Mr Tressell and the others would be granted waivers due to the fact that we are such a prestigious institution, unlike players and coaches from other Universities, who I won’t mention. But they rhyme with porgia and Lawburn and Sama and Rennerree. Oh, and Snorida Snate.

I am seeking your wise counsel and your site as a forum for somewhat of a “sounding board” to gauge the interest of the general populace and peasantry.

Sincerely
THE Gene Smith
THE Athletic Director
THE Ohio State University

EDITORS NOTE: This letter almost made me pee on myself….

You Putrid Miscreant,

In case you don’t know me, let me introduce myself. I am the grand, and esteemed Robert Lowder. I am the most powerful man in Alabama, some would say. Nay says I.
I am the most powerful man in the world. I am a God!!!!

Underlings kneel beneath my feet and kiss the ground I walk on.

The reason I am writing is to clear up the many misconceptions surrounding my recent departure from the Auburn University Board of Trustees. It has been reported in some publications that I was “ousted” by that no good, Anniston scalawag, Bob Marsh.
He calls himself an Auburn man, but in reality he is a conniving, deceitful, Judas.

No, I saw that due to the ungratefulness of some in my beloved Auburn “Family” that it was time for me to step down. Although I was the CEO of a large, profitable, failing, financial institution I felt it in the best interest of all to leave the post I have served so diligently for so many years.

I can’t believe it myself. I personally bought a National Championship trophy for us last year.
I have paid for countless players over the years with my benevolence.
Yet, time after time the misinformed have attacked me.
I am ashamed.
Ashamed that those who know not the power of Robert Lowder; “The King Maker”.

So, I will go back to my humble roots, attempt to buy a few jurors, and bide my time until those that have mocked me see the error of their ways.

Bobby Lowder, Esquire
Lord of the Universe
Auburn, ALA-DAMN-BAMA!!!

EDITORS NOTE: Emperor or not, I am coming for you Bobby….

Dear Sir –
First, I would like for you to know that I and my colleagues will no longer tolerate your senseless attacks based on half truths and innuendos.

As a falsely accused victim of your vicious attacks, I have formed an organization to combat your vile, vitriolic, rumor induced insanity.

Among the charter members of my organization are, Mr Terrell Pryor, Mr Cam “Cammie Cam” Newton, Mr Reggie Bush, and the ever popular Phil Fulmer.

We call ourselves CRYBABY – Citizens Retaliating against Your Baseless And Banal Yacking. Guys United In Lambasting and Tolerating You (GUILTY) is another organization similar to ours and based on the West Coast. Among its noted members are Lane Kiffin, Pete Carroll, and Reggie Bush.
Reggie was so angry that he joined both organizations.

We have pooled our resources and aim to protest your home offices, if we can ever find them, and attack and deface your website with some of the best computer hacker’s money can buy.
We will not tolerate you lies any longer. You started the war, but, we will finish it.

Sincerely,
Jim Tressell
STILL the Head Coach of Ohio State University.

EDITORS NOTE: Frankly….
I am little surprised Bobby Lowder isn’t President of your little Club?

Dear CFB Wizard –

For your information Phil Knight and Nike have done nothing wrong in leasing university of Oregon property to build whatever he wants.

IF he had done anything wrong I can assure you that lawyers from all over the planet would have descended on Eugene Oregon to put a stop to such foolishness.

And anyway, who cares how many millions he spends at Oregon?

Your assumption that anything is less that above board at the University of Oregon and with Nike is misplaced and irresponsible.

Sincerely –
Rupert Stiltskin, Eugene Oregon

EDITORS NOTE: Somewhere in Vietnam…..
A kid is reading this article that is sewing shoes for a dollar a day for Nike and saying..
“What the Hell?”

Stay Tuned there is more to come….

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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