Ladies and Gentlemen –
Many of you have been kind enough to write “What Happened to Last Weeks Picks?”
I was going to write that I had the unfortunate experience of listening to a replay of a conversation between ESPN “commentator” Pam Ward and “commentator” Beth Mowins and the combination of the their two voices gave me an aneurism.
But that wouldn’t be true.
We all know that combination would make your head pop off your shoulders.
The fact is….
I wanted to make time stop…..
Just for a day….
In Honor of the Steel Magnolia
Enjoy Your Picks…
PRE-GAME WARM UP
Now you might not believe this….
But Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator Picked every game correct last week..
You don’t believe it?
Have no fear “those numbers” won’t be included in the overall tally…
But thus far we are 249 and 44 or a rather substandard 85% for the Season.
But have no fear College Football Fans….
In an effort to break this drought, I am bring in my “not-so” secret weapon
One of Opp Alabama’s Favorite Sons….
The Fishing Philosopher of Barker’s Pond…..
Mister Rufus Johnson…..
Or as he is fond of saying to me….
“Take a seat young blood….
I’m going to drop some knowledge on yo damn ass…”
DROPPING SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS
BY RUFUS JOHNSON
“Football is lot like life, it’s full of trick plays and sometimes you get burned on a long one you should have seen coming, but what you got to do is put that play behind you; because you ain’t getting it back. Tighten that chin strap and show them what you are made of; now get yo damn ass back in the game and hit somebody.”
EDITORS NOTE: Well said my friend…
Next week Rufus will discuss his fishing trip with God….
No, I’m serious; he said he really went fishing with the Boss and I’m not talking about Bruce Springsteen
THE PICKS
Thursday October 6th
Nebraska at Kansas State
I have seen all the movies…..
I know what the Children of the Corn are capable of in Farm country…
It’s Frightening…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 33-17
Delta State at Arkansas Monticello
This titanic Battle between the Fighting Okra and the Bo Weevils…..
Well it may not be a “titanic” battle….
But the mascots are awesome and that’s good enough for me…
FRIED OKRA (My personal favorite) 24-17
Friday October 7th
Connecticut at Rutgers
I got this pick from my “adopted” family in Atlantic City…
Now I know what you are thinking…
But just because they are Italian-Americans
Does not mean they are involved in any way with organized crime…
And as a side note….
They asked for the addresses of my “negative” emails….
They said they wanted to “talk” to them…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 31-27
Oklahoma State at Louisiana Lafayette
U La La is in for a rough ride in Stillwater…..
And by that I mean they are going to get an Ass Whipping of Biblical Proportions
COWBOY UP 38-10
Saturday October 8th
Indiana at Ohio State
The Hoosiers get Hammered in the Horseshoe
MIGHTY BUCKEYES 34-17
EDITORS NOTE: I’m not sure….
But I think if I could have managed three other words beginning with “H” in that sentence I would have set some kind of personal record.
Central Michigan at Virginia Tech
This game features Native Americans and Turkeys….
I wasn’t aware we were that close to Thanksgiving?
HOKEY POKEY 33-28
Boston College at North Carolina State
I don’t know if you heard that sound?
It’s me jumping on the Pack of Wolves Bandwagon….
WOLFPACK 28-17
Syracuse at South Florida
Otto the Orange should feel right at home in Florida….
That is until the Bulls squeeze the pulp out of him
NO BULL 34-14
Illinois at Penn State
The Fighting Pumpkins get smashed in Happy Valley…
Film at Eleven
JO PA’S LIONS 28-17
Minnesota at Wisconsin
This rivalry in the Big Twelve, or Eleven…I Mean Ten
Is played each year for the coveted “Paul Bunyan’s Axe and a Slab of Bacon”
Little known fact….
They added the “bacon” element to the trophy a few years ago to ward off Islamic terrorist; the tactic appears to be successful.
BADGERS 38-21
Baylor at Texas Tech
The folks from Waco have one of the finest medical schools in the country.
Yeah that’s about all I have to say about the Baylor Bears…
GET THOSE GUNS UP RED RAIDERS! 33-21
Juniata at Muhlenberg
This Trailer Park Tussle features…
Juanita, or “J-Lo” as she prefers to be called…
Against….
The Mule Faced German girl….
That German girl has a face only a bulldog could love..
And she looks like she could bench press a Buick….
That’s good enough for me.
MULE GIRL 28-17
Tennessee at Georgia
I have a philosophical question before I make this pick between the hedges…
If the Coaches and Players at the University of Tennessee can’t count to “11”
Then how hard is it to get a math degree from there?
I’m just asking…
SIC EM DAWGS 28-24
Memphis at Louisville
I will make this one simple….
Charlie’s Cardinals are Stronger than the Velvet Elvis’s…
STRONGER CARDINALS 34-14
Chattanooga at Citadel
If you are in Chuck-Town this weekend, don’t miss this game
It’s going to be a shoot out
Believe it
MIGHTY MOCS 38-34
Bowling Green at Ohio
This Battle of the Buckeye State is played for the “Dirty Sock Monkey Trophy”
Why I have no idea…
BOWLING FOR FALCONS 33-31
Colorado State at Air Force
This Rocky Mountain Rivalry is played for the Ram Falcon Trophy
And it is my understanding that it will stay in Colorado Springs
Until Colorado becomes Ocean front property
MIGHTY FALCONS 38-14
Elon at Appalachian State
That poor little Cuban boy…..
This game could easily constitute child abuse…
MOUNTAINEERS 38-17
Idaho State at Montana
the Grizzlies are for real and Idaho is famous for their potatoes…
There’s your difference
GRIZZZZZZ 34-10
Wyoming at Texas Christian
This game is going to be uglier than…..
“Take Your Pig to the Prom” night in Baneberry Tennessee
HORNED FROGS 44-10
Pittsburgh at Notre Dame
This ancient college football rivalry is played for the coveted “Shillelagh of Shame”
This sounds like something you really “don’t” want to win
If you know what I mean…
FIGHTING IRISH 28-24
Akron at Kent State
Since 1946 this game between the “Zippers” and the “Golden Flashes”…
Is played for the coveted “Wagon Wheel” Trophy….
Golden Flashes and Zippers?
That sounds like something nasty is going on at the nursing home
ZIPPERS 24-17
Virginia at Georgia Tech
The Rambling Wreck is going to be on the Cavaliers faster than Bill Clinton on an Intern.
YELLOW JACKETS 38-10
UNLV at West Virginia
Vegas comes to Morgantown West “By God” Virginia
Talk about your culture shock…
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 34-10
Arkansas at Texas A&M
This game should be called the Schizophrenic Bowl
Because we have no idea which team is going to show up…
HAWGS 31-24
North Alabama at North Georgia
There are far too many references to “North” for me in this game…
MIGHTY LIONS 38-24
Army at Tulane
The Black Knights of the Hudson better calm the Green Wave….
Or there will be a “Change of Command”….
BLACK KNIGHTS 24-17
Michigan State at Michigan
As you all know this game is played for the “Paul Bunyan Ax”
Which most Wolverine Alumni would like to plant in Coach Rod’s head.
WOLVERINES 33-31
Clemson at North Carolina
Both teams are struggling to hang on to the football….
Don’t be surprised if this isn’t a “Fumble Fest”
DABO’S TIGERS 28-24
Oregon at Washington State
The Bulldogs of Sweeny Texas could beat Washington State….
And that’s a fact…
QUACKERS 142-0
WofFord at Georgia Southern
Chewbacca gets the Statesboro Blues….
I love that Album…
EAGLES 33-17
San Diego State at Brigham Young
Just so you all know….
When I use the term “Ancient” as in Ancient Aztecs…
I am not in any way referring to Bobby Bowden…
COUGARS 44-10
Wingate at Carson Newman
Wingate? That sounds like the name of some smart ass rich kid….
I hope he gets his ass whipped…
SPARKS EAGLES 33-21
Navy at Wake Forest
It is my understanding that Jimmy Swaggart will act as the Demon Deacon mascot for this game
I wonder if you could go on a crying jag while he makes balloon animals.
I think the kids would love it
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 31-24
Utah at Iowa State
Two Utes in a Cyclone?
Wasn’t that a Disney movie?
TWO UTES 38-17
Miami (OH) at Cincinnati
This instate war on I-75 will go to the Boys from Chili Town
BEARKATS 33-17
Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt
A Commodore out ranks anyone with an Eagle…
Those are the rules…
DORES 28-14
Colorado at Missouri
MO knows how to tame a Buffalo….
And just for the record…
Curly is my favorite of the Three Stooges
MO’S TIGERS 33-17
James Madison at Towson
The Number Three Dukes take on the Towson Cookie factory…
They better watch out, I hear those elves are tricky
DUKES 38-17
Occidental at La Verne
I wonder if La Verne is Occidental prone?
Sometimes I wonder too much…
OXY MORON 21-17
East Carolina at Southern Miss
I wish I was in Hattiesburg right now….
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking from here
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-28
Purdue at Northwestern
I wish I cared, but I don’t
WILDCATS 28-14
Auburn at Kentucky
The Wildcats will keep this really close until right after the Fly Over…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17
Southern California at Stanford
Unfortunately this game comes on at the same time…
as the Amish Butter Churning Championships or I would watch it….
I think Ishmael could win it all this year
CARDINAL 34-24
Tulsa at Southern Methodist
Two Words for you….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-17
Toledo at Boise State
Another “tough” out of conference opponent for the Smurf Turf Bunch…
And in case you were wondering…
The Broncos scheduled Toledo
Because the Breaux Bridge Hair and Nail Salon Academy is busy preparing for Notre Dame next week
BRONCOS 167-3
Florida State at Miami
This instate battle in the Sunshine State won’t seem the same without Coach Bobby wandering helplessly on the sidelines with his Vietcong hat and his pants with the forty inch zipper.
Ah Good Times…
NOLES 33-28
Mississippi State at Houston
This Pick is for my beloved Bulldog faithful…
Miss Melanie, Larry and their beautiful girls and of course Bulldog Jim
BULLY DOGS 38-21
New Mexico at New Mexico State
This instate battle is known as the Rio Grande Rivalry
And it is played for “The Maloof Trophy”
Which closely resembles a bucket of sand with a cactus stuck in it…
Which is nice
PISTOL PETE 28-24
Rice at UTEP
My Favorite Pudding takes a pounding at the Hands of the Miners
MINERS 34-17
Hawaii at Fresno State
This game is played for the “Golden Screwdriver”
Yes, I’m serious….
Which reminds me….
That Dog the Bounty Hunter can be seen on the A&E network on Wednesday Nights
Check your local listings for times in your area.
BULLDOGS 28-24
San Jose State at Nevada
I would watch this game…..
But the History of Jell-o is going to be on the Food Channel…
Sorry
WOLF PACK 56-0
UCLA at California
I am trying to remember why I am supposed to care about this game?
BRUINS 6-3
Alabama at South Carolina
This will be a fight from opening bell to the final whistle…
Believe it..
CRIMSON TIDE 24-21
Arizona State at Washington
There are a lot of questions surrounding this game…
For instance…
Why should we care?
Is there anything on the Food Channel?
What’s that on the carpet?
You get the picture..
HUSKIES 31-27
Oregon State at Arizona
Keep the faith Beaver Jim….
This is going to happen
BEAVERS 24-21
LSU at Florida
The Mighty Gators bounce back and Les Miles gets a Mickey Mouse Watch
I call this a “Win-Win”
MIGHTY GATORS 28-21
Enjoy Your Games….
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD