Ladies and Gentlemen –
Covering all the recent shenanigans by the NCAA has gotten me behind in answering my emails. You have a lot of questions over the recent mascot posting and I know that you all depend on me for answers to these vexing questions, so let’s get to it.
Q: If the NCAA is so concerned about raciest mascots….
Why don’t they do something about the “Fighting Irish” of Notre Dame?
Not all Irishmen drink and fight and are loud and obnoxious!
Too make matters even worse they just had to have a damn Leprechaun on the sidelines!
You can bet if a team was called the “Illegal Aliens” and had some Mexican looking guy in a sombrero riding a burro around the stadium they would put a stop to it in a second!
I got a lot more to say on this subject, but I had a “little” too much of Grandpa’s Cough medicine last night (if you know what I mean…) and the sound of me hitting this key board is making my head want to explode.
And before anybody says anything to you about the party last night…
It was a “disagreement” not a “fight”….
I forgot where I was going with this….
Sean – South Bend, Indiana
A: I feel you brother….
Q: How can you say “foam rubber” mascots aren’t cool?
Have you seen our mascot at the University of Minnesota?
“Goldy” the Golden Gopher is the most awesome mascot in the Big 10!
Stephanie – Northfield, Minnesota
A: If I want to see a rodent in a foam rubber costume I will go to Chucky Cheese.
Q: As President of the Wynonna Judd Fan Club International, I am appalled that you recently compared Wynonna’s body size to that of a Polar Bear!
Why on earth would you say such a thing?
Andi – Franklin, Tennessee
A: Because that’s the largest land mammal I could think of at the time.
Q: Mike, Coach Rod’s wife is the “First” Lady of Michigan football.
So my question is this: How does Coach Rod’s wife get to the games at the “Big House”, Limousine?
Matthew – Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Nope, a Broom….
Q: Why are you always poking fun at everybody’s “costumed” mascots when your beloved University of Alabama doesn’t have a “live” elephant for a mascot?
Tim – Memphis, Tennessee
A: That is where you are wrong Tim….
It is true that the University of Alabama does not have a live mascot on campus…
However, once every other year when Tennessee comes to play the Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa there are plenty of “live” elephant mascots on campus.
Most are female and they are attired in (too tight) Orange “Baby Girl” sweat pants that looked like they sustained about fifteen hundred dollars worth of hail damage.
Q: Mike as a life long Colorado Buffalo fan, I appreciate you making mention of our mascot “Ralphie” in your latest article. We are very protective of our favorite Buffalo.
So I have to ask….
Is your sister-in-law still the “stunt” mascot at Colorado home games?
Jay – Boulder, Colorado
A: Sorry Jay not this year…
My sister-in-law’s acting career has taken off as the “star” in the “Messing with Sasquatch” beef jerky commercials and as the “stunt” double in the new movie on the Science Fiction Channel “The Beast that ate Cleveland.”
In case you didn’t know, the producers really like her because she doesn’t require any make-up.
Q: What gives? You mentioned the Air Force Falcon mascot last week, but you completely ignored the Navy Goat?
Commander R. United States Navy – Qatar
A: No disrespect intended Commander.
I didn’t mention your Goat because you never know what Goats are thinking and those things have crazy eyes.
I hope that cleared up any misunderstanding.
Q: Sir, I completely disagree with your analogy concerning college football mascots.
“Herky” the Hawkeye at the University of Iowa is awesome and has an uncanny ability to whip a crowd into a frenzy.Maybe you should rethink your position?
Ken – Ames, Iowa
A: I don’t know about “awesome” but it is rather disturbing.
I hate to bring this up…
But what the hell is a “Hawkeye” anyway?
And to be honest…
“Herky” sounds like some kind of exotic “jerky”.
But all is not lost…
If you play your cards right…
You can still work a deal with that major fried chicken franchise…..
And call yourselves the “Popeye’s”….
Plus you can actually eat your own mascot…
Which is nice…
Q: I was disappointed last week when you didn’t mention the University of Nebraska mascot “Lil Red” in your article.
I have seen him on the sidelines and I believe he is a “live” mascot, so why didn’t you mention him in your article?
I bet you don’t know anything about our “Lil Red”!
Scott – Broken Bow, Nebraska
A: I apologize for not mentioning “Lil Red” last week Scott.
However you are wrong about “not knowing anything about “Lil Red”…
I know his real name is Carl and he is the “less successful” slightly bitter brother of the Shoney’s Big Boy.
Yet despite having “water head syndrome” and elephantiasis he has successfully managed to receive a scholarship to Nebraska and pursue his goal of being a “hand model”.
Q: Why didn’t you mention the Boilermaker mascot Purdue Pete last week?
Don’t you think he deserves a mention? He is pretty cool looking, right?
Ryan – West Lafayette, Indiana
A: If looking like the illegitimate son of the “Elephant Man” is cool then, alright.
But it is nice that he got a chance to go to college….
See they are even teaching him how to read….
Q: Mike why didn’t you mention anything about the Oglethorpe University Stormy Petrels mascot “Petey”?
Go Stormy Petrels!
Chad – Atlanta, Georgia
A: First things first Chad….
Why does your petrel have to be stormy?
Couldn’t it just be depressed or moody like the rest of the petrels?
Q: Mike, despite your personal feelings about “costumed” mascots, I cannot believe that The Ohio State University Buckeyes mascot “Brutus” didn’t get so much as a mention in your article.
For your information, a “Buckeye” is a poisonous nut and therefore should qualify as “scary” don’t you think?
Gail – Bowling Green, Ohio
A: I think “Brutus” looks like a horse apple with arms and legs….
That’s what I think….
Q: Mike, on the subject of mascots…
Have you seen the “new” University of Oregon Duck mascot?
They even have a “new” series of football uniforms this year, have you seen them?
They look like a highlighter exploded on a black light poster…
Don’t even get me started on their band uniforms….
Jim – Corvallis, Oregon
A: I have seen the “new” Oregon Duck mascot….
What is its name…”Gay Duck”?
More on this and the “new” University of Oregon uniforms….
In the upcoming College Football Preseason Extravaganza…..
Q: Have you noticed a resemblance between the St Louis University mascot “Billiken” and the President of the NCAA Myles Brand?
Just wondering….
Roger – Platte City, Missouri
A: There is no resemblance Roger…
That is what Myles Brand actually looks like when the sun goes down….
See for yourself…
More Later in the week….
RTR
MEB