Ladies and Gentlemen –
It’s that time of the year (Again)……
The names of the games alone are enough to make you break into goosebumps….
They are called many things….
The Red River Rivalry or The Red River Shoot-Out…
But the game between Oklahoma and Texas is above all else….
A Border WAR….
Then there is the tussle between the Hedges in Athens…
Between…
Tennessee and Georgia…..
Also…
This weekend…
The Black Shirts of Nebraska Invade Lubbock….
EDITORS NOTE: Have I mentioned that Lubbock is the home of Buddy Holly?
In “The Swamp”…..
The Defending National Champion LSU Fightn’ Tigers are in Gainesville to take on the Mighty Gators….
Jo Pa and his Lions of Penn State take on the “Power of Cheese” in the Wisconsin Badgers…
And who can forget….
Another weekend with the NCAA’s collective head (and ass) in the sand as they pretend we are all going to forget the investigation into Reggie Bush and the Southern California Trojans…
Don’t worry my friends…
I won’t let you forget…
There is a lot to cover, so let’s get to it!
Enjoy Your Picks!
College Football NEWS and VIEWS
TENNESSEE: I have the answer to your Football problems!
The problem my semi-beloved Volunteer fans is rooted in the lack of players from Tennessee on the Tennessee Volunteer football team roster….
Do you know how many “Starters” From the state of Tennessee are on the Volunteer football team?
“5”…..
As in the number “After 4” and the number “Before 6″….
In case you all forgot…
That is out of 22…(24 if you count the punter and kicker..)
Why is this important?
Does anyone in California or Washington D.C. or Oregon “really” care what the University of Tennessee does or doesn’t do on any particular weekend?
Do they even know where “Tennessee” is located?
Your players from those places don’t care either…
Because they didn’t grow up with “IT”…
If you don’t think this is important then I have a “little” Trivia question for all the Tennessee Volunteer Fans out there….
“When was the last starting Quarterback at the University of Tennessee…..
From the state of Tennessee….”
This may take a while…so I’ll wait.
EDITORS NOTE: The GOOD News for all the disgruntled Tennessee Volunteer fans out there, is that YOU have a “Tennessee” team to pull for in the state that has more than “5” starters from the State of Tennessee on the Team…
They are called the Vanderbilt Commodores….
CONGRATULATIONS (again) VANDY!!!!!!!
TENNESSEE (PART II): As a side note from the Tennessee – Auburn game
Maybe the Fat Man should have gone to court before the Auburn game and faced the music like he was suppose too…
Ever think about that?
I have…
There is a name for it too….
It’s called Karma…
MISSOURI: SOooooooo Tiger Quarterback Chase Daniel said he was being spit on by the Husker defensive players last Saturday….
The time to complain about that kind of behavior “isn’t” on Sunday afternoon…dumbass.
WEST POINT: Congratulations on your first “Big” Win last weekend since Appomattox….
VANDERBILT: Your First 5 and 0 start since 1943….
The first time you beat Auburn since 1955…..
And Yes….
I predicted it…….
No Need to thank me…
CLEMSON: To My Beloved Tiger Friends and Family….
I feel and understand your pain and frustration…
Have no fear….
Change is coming…..
TELEVISION COMMERCIALS: Seriously….Geico.
KILL the DAMN caveman commercials….
It’s over….
Stop the madness….
I am serious….
WISCONSIN: So the Badger Marching Band was “suspended” because of hazing?
How bad can “hazing” really be with a marching band…
AUBURN: So do you all believe in the “Corso Curse” Yet?
You thought I was joking about that…didn’t you?
AUBURN (PART II): SOOOooooo Ole Ears Tubberville fired the Offensive Coordinator Tony Franklin this week after what? Five games?
There are two ways to look at this War Eagle Fans….
One…Talk about wanting your “instant” Grits?
or…
Two…
When Ole Ears feels the heat, it’s time for somebody to go under the bus…
ESPN: Last Saturday’s College Gameday with Kenny Chesney….
There is SOOOoooo many things wrong with THAT I don’t know where to begin…
We ALL know he was there to promote his “New” Album…
We also know he is trying to be the Jimmy Buffet of “His” generation….
However I think naming your album…
“The Butt Pirates of the Caribbean”
Well, that is just wrong….
NCAA: Seriously….The jokes over!
When are you going to let us all in on the “results” of the “Investigation” into Reggie Bush and the Univer$ity of $outhern California Trojan$?
If your “Investigators” need any help finding Reggie Bush’s Momma and Daddy’s house I will be happy to show them how to use “MapQuest”.
I am here for you…..
$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA: So last weekend Trojan Quarterback Mark Sanchez re-injured his knee during the game with Oregon…
The PAC 10 Officials threw a flag and penalized the Oregon Ducks a 100 yards for hurting a “Hyphenated- American” which resulted in the automatic loss of the game….
I think that is the first time I ever heard of that penalty?
What about you?
$OUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN$ TESTIMONIALS
“The Southern California Trojans defeated the Klingons, saved the whales and made us the kick-ass World Super Power we are today!”
– William Shatner
“I really like that big white horse that this part of the Southern California Mascot….
With it’s long face…big teeth…and wide butt…
I would have sworn I was looking at my wife..”
– Miles Brand: President NCAA
U$C TROJAN$: Seriously…..
Shouldn’t you all be on Probation by Now?
You know…
NO Television….
NO Bowl games…
Loss of 20 Scholarships…
Per year…
For five years…
Loss of your National Championship…
ALL of your wins for those years…voided.
Loss of the Heisman for Reggie Bush…
Sound about right?
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: We saw what u-ins wrote about Peyton Manning last week!
You is innorant as hell!
Peyton is a Saint!!!!
Just like that Old Teresa’s Mother!
If wants to touch them Tennessee players before the game, well then By God we knows he got a good reason!
Maybe he’s a trying to heal them or something!
Cooter – Erwin, Tennessee
A: If you will try and justify those comments…..
Then I REALLY don’t want to know what you would do for a “Klondike Bar”….
It would be too embarrasing….
Q: Mike I am a Proud Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket Fan…
My neighbor told me because I don’t own a weed eater that means I am a Homosexual.
Is that true?
Chip – Atlanta, Georgia
A: Break out your Kenny Chesney CD’s Chip…
It’s true…
Q: Mike, you haven’t mentioned it in a while, but is your sister-in-law still dating that guy with the glass eye from the Carnival?
Sally – Benton, Arkansas
A: I can’t remember his name, so around my house we just refer to him as “Mr. Peepers”….
But I have to tell you that they broke up. but promised to “Remain Friends”…
Which really means, we may see him “again” at Thanksgiving…
God Help me…
Q: Mike I have a question that I really hope you can help us out with..
We Texas A&M Aggies are having a tough year…
Some would say, a really tough year…
Is there anything that you can tell us that will give us hope and encouragement?
Roger – La Grange, Texas
A: I wish I could help you out Roger…
But when I saw “La Grange Texas” on your email…
The only thing I could think of was….
“Haw Haw Haw…..”
“Have mercy…..”
EDITORS NOTE: I am thankful that I finally got to have a ZZ Top reference…
Q: Mike, why would Peyton Manning “defend” Phil Fulmer they way he did a week ago on the Auburn sidelines?
Thanks!
Chris – Maryville, Tennessee
A: Chris…
I have on good authority it has to do with a “certain” picture involving a “former” Tennessee Quarterback….
A Hamster…
One Bottle of Wesson Oil…
And..
A “Certain” grossly overweight Tennessee Football Coach….
Playing a game of Semi-Nude “Twister” that went horribly wrong…
THE GAMES
Saturday October 11th
Texas and Oklahoma
The Texas State Fair….
Dallas, Texas
The Red River Shoot Out…..
The Cotton Bowl….
This game has all the atmosphere of a gunfight….
My Friends, it doesn’t get any bigger than this….
HOOK’EM HORNS 27-24
Iowa at Indiana
So we go from the “Red River Shoot-out”……
To the Homers and the Eyes of the Hawk…
This like going from watching the Sugar Bowl…
To watching re-runs of the 2002 Mid-American Regional Junior Chess Championships…
Kill me now….
HOMERS 24-21
EDITORS NOTE: If the folks from Indiana will go with renaming their team the “Gomers”; I can almost guarantee a “sponsorship” from Jim Nabors…
Just think about it…
That’s all I ask…
Toledo at Michigan
Must be “Homecoming” in Ann Arbor…
But Please don’t let Coach Rod’s wife be the “Homecoming Queen”….
You have one Ten Dollar Hooker for a Homecoming Queen and that’s all everyone talks about for ten years….
You don’t think so?
Ask the folks in OBKnoxville…..
WOLVERINES 34-17
East Carolina at Virginia
The Pirates right the ship this weekend…
(Thought that up myself…)
PIRATES 27-17
Syracuse at West Virginia
Victory in Morgantown smells like….
BURNING Couches!
Light Em UP!
MOUNTAINEERS 33-14
Minnesota at Illinois
Golden Gophers: The OTHER White Meat…
ZOOK’S FIGHTING PUMPKINS 34-17
Rutgers at Cincinnati
Have I mentioned that Cincinnati is the Chili Capitol of the Mid-West…
Well it is…
If you ever get a chance to try that “Goldstar” or “Skyline” Chili….
Lord…that is something special
Also as a medical side note: IF you are suffering from constipation, you will be “cured” within 12 hours of eating any of the above mentioned chili…
Forget I mentioned it….
BEARKATS 28-23
Colorado at Kansas
I must confess….
These Hawks of Jay fought like the Devil last weekend and….
NEVER gave up….
I like that…
JAY’S HAWKS 38-27
South Carolina at Kentucky
After the Wildcats scared the crap out of me last weekend…
This one is easy…
WILDCATS 24-21
Utah at Wyoming
I love those folks from Cowboy Country…
But Cousin Vinnie says this game is about the….
TWO UTES 28-17
Kansas State at Texas A&M
I have no reason to believe this will actually happen..
Just so you all know…
GIG EM AGGIES 28-24
Vanderbilt at Mississippi State
Common Wisdom would favor the Bulldogs…
But there is something special about these Commodores…
COMMODORES 24-14
EDITORS NOTE: Sorry Jim…I hope I am wrong.
Ursinus at Franklin Marshall
As in “Your Sinus”?
I guess it’s better than “UR-Anus”…
Never mind…
Nebraska at Texas Tech
Did I mention that Lubbock is the Home of the Great Buddy Holly?
I thought so…
“All my life I’ve been a waiting…
Tonight they will no hesitating….”
SO Get THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 43-17
EDITORS NOTE: I have been waiting for the right time to spring a Buddy Holly reference on you…
Arizona State at USC
The Sun Devils couldn’t beat a damn egg….
TROJAN$ 136-0
Tennessee at Georgia
Between the Hedges…
UGA VII is Hunkered Down….
RUN YOU SILVER BRITCHES!
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS? 27-17
EDITORS NOTE: Many of you may think…
“He just picked Georgia because he Hates Tennessee…”
That is only half the story…
I do dearly Love those Dawgs…
Purdue at Ohio State
It is written….
“And a freshman shall lead them….”
– Book Of Hayes
It’s in the Bible….Enough said.
BUCKEYES 33-17
Notre Dame at North Carolina
I wish I cared…
But I don’t…
TAR HEELS 31-24
Greenville at LaGrange College
“Haw Haw…Haw…”
Sorry, I still can’t get over my earlier ZZ Top reference….
Michigan State at Northwestern
I know…
I Know…
The Wildcats have their BEST Record since 1962….
Bla..Bla…Bla..
But that Ringer Kid is a Stud…
CALL THE SPARTANS 24-21
Texas Christian at Colorado State
Did somebody say TCU is the Home of Bob Lilly?
I did…
HORNED FROGS 28-24
Garner Webb at Georgia Tech
“Garner Webb” sounds like a Law Firm…
I hope they know “accident” and “Workers Comp” Law…
YELLOW JACKETS 44-0
Carson Newman at Catawba
You really can’t pronounce “Catawba” correctly unless you spit on yourself…
Which is disgusting…
SPARKS EAGLES 31-21
Central Florida at Miami (FL)
Must be “Homecoming” in Coral Gables…
Don’t disappoint me two weeks in a row Canes…
Please?
HURRICANES 38-14
New Mexico State at Nevada
The Wolfpack are a really good football team this year….
BUT the Aggies (with threats to the Administration to bring back “Pistol Pete” by yours truly…)
Are something special…..
I am a believer…
AGGIES 43-38
Arkansas at Auburn
If the Tigers lose again I wonder who Ears will toss under the bus?
No need to worry….
It ain’t happening….
WAR EAGLES 24-17
Juniata at Muhlenberg
Sounds like the story of some Mexican gal riding a mule doesn’t it?
Never mind….
Arizona at Stanford
Gosh, this would really be a “Great” PAC 10 matchup to watch….
But the Hamster Olympics are on ESPN 3 at the same time…..
CARDINAL 6-3
New Mexico at Brigham Young
The Low Blows take a shot in the Jimmy…..
COUGARS 38-17
EDITORS NOTE: Yes, I am that easily amused….
Washington State at Oregon State
Unless you are Sigfried and Roy….
Or Kenny Chesney…..
YOU believe in the Power of the Beaver…
BEAVERS 34-14
EDITORS NOTE: O.K. What did I say this time?
I was just talking about the Beaver…
So let it go….
Ball State at Western Kentucky
You may wonder: Will Ball State continue on their Cinderella Season?
Yes, for another week anyway…
CARDINALS 27-17
Iowa State at Baylor
I was trying to come up with a “Bears and Cyclones O’ My” Wizard of Oz reference…
But it just sounded creepy…
Sorry…
BEARS 27-24
Oklahoma State at Missouri
The Cowboys in the rear view mirror are a-lot closer than they appear…
MO’S TIGERS 33-28
LSU at Florida
I believe the Fightn’ Tigers have the better overall team…
But this game is in the Swamp..
And the Gators have Tim Tebow….
MIGHTY GATORS 24-21
Penn State at Wisconsin
The Badgers believe in the “Power of Cheese”…
Well Jo Pa “Cuts” the Cheese whenever he wants….
So there…
JO PA’S LIONS 31-17
Boise State at Southern Miss
After last week’s disappointment…..
(Which (by the way) would NOT have happened if you would have kept Coach Bowers..)
BRONCOS 34-17
Tulsa at Southern Methodist
I only have three words to say about this game…
“My Poor Ponies…”
GOLDEN HURRICANES 43-24
Tulane at UTEP
You say “Potato”, I say…
MINERS 31-14
EDITORS NOTE: I know….
It didn’t make alot of sense to me either (At First)
But after you think about it for a minute..
You will laugh your butt off…
Air Force at San Diego State
This game reminds me of one of my “favorite” selections in the New American Modern Revisionist History Book….
“The American Air Force Bombs the peaceful Ancient Aztecs; thus the term, “Stone age”
This selection can be found before the chapter on “When the U.S. Marines attacked the North Pole and Killed Santa Claus…”
We Americans are so naughty….
FALCONS 28-17
UCLA at Oregon
This game is like trying to pick the winner in a turtle race…
QUACKERS 3-2
Sunday October 12th
Louisiana Tech at Hawaii
This is the Very BEST Game on Sunday Night at Midnight Eastern Standard Time…
But if given the choice…
I would rather watch “Dog the Bounty Hunter”…
That theme music is really catchy…
RAINBOW BRIGHT 34-31
Enjoy Your Games!
RTR
MEB