Ladies and Gentlemen

This weekend you will have a College Football Update!

We have alot to discuss with the close of SEC Media Days; Fat Phil “Getting Served” and news from Florida State that Coach Bobby found the restroom all by himself.
Hard to believe, but true.

Please stay tuned and thank you all for your patience.

Only 30 days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Hey Yawl! It’s me again! Hootie Snitch the Number One Vol Fan on the Planet!

I am a filling in for what’s his name while he is in Jerk-a-damn-Stan or whatever it’s called; I believe that’s in Arkansas. But never mind that.

As most of you know by now I got myself arrested at the South Carolina Cooter Festival, but before any of you start jumping to conclusions, let me tell you: It wasn’t my damn fault.

I was a feeling no pain walking over to see the Miss Cooter Queen and a Highway Patrolman stopped me and asked why I was Hooping and Hollering.

I told him that I was the Greatest Tennessee Vol fan on the planet and that Vols was Number Damn One!

That Patrolman asked me if I wanted a “Wood Shampoo”?

Well, I thought that he was a giving away samples, so I said; “Hell Yeah!”

Next thing I know I wake up in the Spartanburg Jail with a punk knot on my head big enough to hang a hat on.

NOTE TO SELF: Don’t be a smartass with a South Carolina Highway Patrolman.

Yawl just hang in there, I will have some College Football updates for you real soon!

Hootie! - Out!

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Your updates on the upcoming 2008 College Football Season will return in another week, as I am getting ready to depart for another adventure overseas.

I will do my best to keep you all informed and entertained from across the pond.

God Bless you all.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Most of you have heard or read about the Big raise given a number of Tennessee Volunteer Coaches in the wake of a reported 11 Million Dollar shortfall in the University of Tennessee budget.

According to published reports Coach Phil Fulmer will receive a One Million Dollar raise going into the 2008 season, making him the fourth highest paid football coach in the Southeastern Conference.

You may be wondering if the raise has gone to Phil’s head.

I have on good authority that Coach Phil had a painting of himself commissioned for the Volunteer Locker room, in an effort to “Inspire” and “motivate” his players. Coach Phil was reported to have said when he viewed the painting for the first time; “Now that is what I call, Classy!”

See for yourself…

No word yet if any of the money is deferred to Krispy Kreme stock options.

Only 50 more Days until Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

There are a lot of things that don’t make sense to me; say like the NCAA dragging its feet on the investigation into Reggie Bush and the University of Southern California and cheese logs.

I don’t understand how the Weather Channel can “predict” a dozen major hurricanes this year, but can’t tell me if it’s going to rain in the morning.

Why is there an Amish Outlet?
Are the Amish producing so many goods that they need a place to sell the excess?
And how much stuff can you move in a buggy anyway?

Why is there a store that sells “Irregular” clothing?
Do I really want to save ten dollars on a pair of jeans only to have to explain to my friends why one leg of my pants is eight inches higher than the other and why my zipper is located on my hip?

I recently saw a billboard on the way to my wife’s family reunion that said, “Grandpa’s House of Meat and Cheese” and then at the bottom of the sign it said, “Come on in and check out Grandpa’s Meat!”
Am I the only person that thinks that is funny as hell and a little disgusting?

Do people in this country really think that having a “Talent” constitutes setting off twenty dollars worth of firecrackers in your pants while you play the ukulele?

I know, sometimes I think too much, but just don’t get me started on cheese logs.

Email Questions and Answers

Q: Mike, do you know the orgin of why they call Youngstown State the Penguins?
Thanks!
Jeremy - Zanesville, Ohio
A: Because the university is located ten miles form the artic circle Jeremy.

Q: Mike, I was shopping for my wife’s birthday and was looking at purchasing a UT (Tennessee) version of the game Monopoly and was wondering if you knew the diffrence between this version and the regular Monopoly game?
Tommy - Jackson, Tennessee
A: Glad you asked Tommy. The Tennessee version of Monopoly has a variety of different twists but the most noticeable is that not only does the Tennessee football player end up in jail and cannot collect two hundred dollars, but he also has to wait for Phil Fulmer’s lawyer to bail him out.

Q: As a Professor of Philosophy at a Major Ivy League Institution, I feel that I am qualified to comment on your latest rant forbidding children to choose their favorite teams in sports. Simply put; we should let them choose to stimulate their creativity and develop self worth in their decision making process. I hope this helped you understand how we “do things up north.”
Dr. R. Moran - Cambridge, Massachusetts.
A: Admit it Doc, you heard these words a lot growing up….
“Hand over your lunch money”

Q: Mike, I have a confession to make. I am a life long Alabama Fan, but yesterday while I was at work I “Kind of” flirted with this young lady that is a recent Auburn graduate.
What should I do?
Warren - Cottondale, Alabama
A: Say Thirty “Hail Bryants” and go back to work and behave yourself.

Q: Mike is the mascot at the University of Nebraska, “Husker Boy” real or is that a student in a costume? That boy has got the biggest head I have ever seen on a human being!
Shirley - Texarkana, Arkansas
A: Unfortunately Shirley that is NOT a student in a costume, but he doesn’t have the largest head of all the mammals. That distinction belongs to Wynonna Judd.

Q: You were a little hard on the new Georgia State head football coach in a previous post. Are we to understand that you really don’t think Bill Curry is a very good football coach?
Debbie - Atlanta, Georgia
A: Bill Curry is to Coaching what Siegfried and Roy are to Heterosexuality.

Q: What is the craziest thing you have seen during this off season?
Todd - Biloxi, Mississippi
A: “I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic’s; his hair was perfect.”

EDITORS NOTE: My Thanks to Warren Zevon for the above answer.

Q: Mike, how are the football players at the University of Tennessee going to stay academically eligible without the “Minor in Dance” classes?
Julie - Gainesville, Florida
A: Thank goodness they still have the “Walking Classes” or they might be in real trouble. But I have on good authority that the “new” curriculum for freshman football players at Tennessee will include two classes from the Agriculture Department.
The Armadillo: Possum on the Half Shell or Natures Little Tank?
Okra: Hairy vegetable or Natures Bore Brush?

Q: Mike I know that you have discussed this before, but I have to ask which university do you think has the worse mascot in all of collegiate sports?
Sorry if this is a repeat question! Thanks!
Kim - Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: There are a number of worthy candidates for that award Kim, but I would have to say that the Evergreen State Geoduck wins the award for the worst mascot.
It looks like a foam rubber turd with legs, see for yourself.

Enjoy your Fourth of July and remember we are only 56 days away from Kickoff…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It saddens me to report that the beloved University of Georgia mascot UGA VI passed away last Friday.

The English Bulldog was the largest of all Georgia mascots at 65 pounds and represented the University of Georgia during two Southeastern Conference Championships and posted the best record of any mascot with the football team during his ten year rein at 87 and 27.

“He was a good one”, owner Frank W. “Sonny” Seiler said in a statement released by the university.

“What can I say? He had a marvelous record. He was a very strong and healthy dog. He was the biggest of all the dogs, and he had the biggest heart. It just played out.”

UGA VI was buried yesterday in his famous kennel; entombed in the granite and marble mausoleum in the southwest corner of Sanford Stadium where UGA’s five predecessors are buried.

COMMENTARY

Many of you may be saying, what’s the big deal; It was just a dog, or why should he care he isn’t a Georgia man.

But I do care.

I care because I love the pageantry and tradition of college football and it doesn’t get any better than seeing UGA on the field with his red letter sweater barking at the opposing team.

I care because I have never met a bad Georgia Bulldog fan.

I care because I think the world of Sonny Seiler and his bride Miss Cecelia.

I care because of Lewis Grizzard and Vince Dooley.

I care because UGA VI tried to bite that smartass Auburn football player a few years ago.

I care because the Bulldog Nation would line up for hours, just to have their picture taken with him.

I care because I loved that Big Ole Bulldog.

Written on the side of UGA VI’s famous kennel in red and black letters, it said……..”A Damn Good Dawg.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

RTR
MEB