Ladies and Gentlemen -

I will apologize in advance as this may be your only update this week. However we do have some college football news to report and some Email Q & A to cover for your information and entertainment.

So let’s get to it shall we?

DUKE: A Kentucky judge has confirmed what Duke football fans have known for years: Their football team is as bad as it gets.

Bad enough that Louisville should have to find another football team to replace the Blue Devils without penalty after Duke pulled out of the final three games of a four game contract last season.

In a lawsuit filed late last year, Louisville asked for $450,000 dollars in damages and any additional damages the court saw fit to award.

But Duke’s lawyers argued that the Blue Devils performance on the field was so poor that any Division I team would suffice as a replacement. Duke is 6-45 over the past five years and 13-90 since 1999.

Simply put, eleven hamsters would provide a bigger challenge to an opposing team.

NOTRE DAME: How bad is your football program when your Athletic Director would leave for the same position at Duke? Well, the Fighting Irish Athletic Director Kevin White did that just last week.

EDITORS NOTE: This is a sure sign that you suck.

OLYMPICS: Believe it or not, in Las Vegas this week a group is meeting to determine who will represent the United States in an Olympic demonstration of “Rock-Paper-Scissors”, in hopes that this will become an actual Olympic event in the near future.

One gibbering idiot was quoted as saying: “The manual dexterity and mental acuity to be a champion in this sport is equal to any sport anywhere in the world.”

EDITORS NOTE: What are we going to hear next? Wang Chang Foo is the Mark Spitz of “Rock-Paper-Scissors”? Kill me now.

ALABAMA: This week starting linebacker and one time running back Jimmy Johns was arrested in a drug sting by local police on five counts of selling cocaine.

Coach Nick Saban immediately responded with this statement: “This type of behavior obviously will not be tolerated and he is no longer a part of our program.”

EDITORS NOTE: Please note that at no time did Coach Nick say “He was looking into it” or “Waiting for all the facts” or even mention giving Johns another chance.
For the fans in Tallahassee and Knoxville; this is how it is done.

NCAA: Just in case you were wondering. We are all STILL waiting to hear about the investigation into Reggie Bush and Southern California.

EMAIL Q and A

Q: You wrote that “Most California fans” are of the “fair weather” type. In your mind, what constitutes a fair weather fan?
Brad - La Jolla, California
A: There are alot of ways to determine a fair weather fan Brad. But lets take a look at the most noticeable.

If all your college game day wear STILL has the price tag on it and it hasn’t been washed and not because it’s “lucky”, then you are most certainly a “fair weather” fan.
In California Speak: If the brand new shirt fits, then I don’t have to acquit.

Q: Mike, couldn’t you at least “try” and be a fan of the University of Southern California Trojans?
Jenna - Los Angeles, California
A: I would rather play Twister with Rosie O’Donnell.

EDITORS NOTE: I made myself throw up with that visual, sorry.

Q: Hello? Ever heard of the Ivy League?
Roxanne -Ithaca, New York
A: No I haven’t and you want to know why? Because your marching bands suck. And as a side note: Your cheerleaders look like they could floss with a number two pencil.

Q: For your information San Jose State is a “big” in-state rivalry game with both the University of Southern California and the Golden Bears of California!
Juan - Berkeley, California
A: Has anybody ever gotten killed over the results of the football game or divorced over your team affiliations? Then it’s not a “Big” rivalry game dumbass.

Q: How dare you dismiss AI Day on Trojan gameday! Amensty International Day brought “awareness” to the plight of the political prisoners unlawfully detained in this country! I am sure that the concept of justice is too difficult for you to understand!
Stephan G. - Los Angeles, California
A: I understand a lot of things Stephan. For example, I understand that you are a wussy with too much time on your hands.  

Q: Why all the hostility towards California? Frankly it saddens me. I believe that if we just shake hands, it will send a message of hope and peace and understanding. What do you say?
Amarella Sanchez - Encinitas, California
A: Shaking hands with someone from southern California is like shaking hands with a damp Twizzler.

Only 64 Days until Kickoff………

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It would appear from the number of emails I received after my last post that I hit a nerve with some football fans of “anything” California. It is also apparent that I have offended a large number of northern football fans living near the artic circle. I am assuming they read my post when they weren’t chewing whale blubber.

Before we go any further let me take a moment to bring a silver lining to this discussion and clear up any misunderstanding.

For the folks who reside near the artic circle that were offended by my last post; look on the bright side.
You may not be very good in the world of college football, but you still have the winter Olympics!
Curling! YES!

To my “Highly Offended” football fans from California let me simplify this argument for you.

We are different.

You think you have all the answers.

We Know you don’t.

When one of our players is accused of accepting money from a Booster or one of our universities undergoes an NCAA inquisition you say we have a “Plantation Mentality.”

When one of your players has been paid by a Booster or your university undergoes an NCAA investigation you say “the system is flawed.”

Certainly there are other differences as well.

We know the “Real” Death Valley isn’t in the desert…

To us the Third Saturday in October means something special….

We know that Ninety Thousand people will fit into a Swamp…

We know that Bo still Knows….

We Know that Hershal is a stallion and Earl is a Longhorn..

We Invented tailgating….
EDITORS NOTE: Not to be confused with the same term and or activity used in and around the San Francisco bay area.

Most of OUR mascots can and will hurt you if given the chance…

I hope this helped.

Before I forget, Hootie Snitch will return next week as he is still trying to sober up from his trip to the South Carolina Cooter Festival. Before you even ask, yes I am serious.
http://www.cooterfest.com/

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

GEORGIA STATE: I will try and write this particular piece again without breaking into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Georgia State has started a football program and named Bill Curry as their Head Coach.

Yes, That Bill Curry

There is Good news and Bad news here folks.

The Bad News is that Georgia State hired Bill Curry as their Head Coach.
The Good News is the rest of us won’t have to listen to his winy “know it all” ass cry on television anymore about how the Alabama fans never embraced him at the Capstone.

OPERATION MORALE: Recently a number of college football coaches traveled across Southwest Asia on “Operation Morale” to visit with our tropps and to thank them for their sacrifice and service. Notable Coaches on the tour included Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis, Mark Richt of Georgia, Miami Hurricane Coach randy Sahnnon and Tommy Tubberville of Auburn.

Thank you to all the coaches; those boys and girls really appreciated it.

EDITORS NOTE: Despite the fact a number of reported terrorist seemed to “disappear” in Baghdad, there is no truth to the rumor that Charlie Weis ingested any Al-Qaeda operatives while he was in Iraq.

Also the rumors circulating that Tommy Tubberville’s ears were used to listen to conversations in the distant caves of Afghanistan are completely false. Everyone knows his ears only have an estimated sensitive hearing radius (ESHR) of five hundred miles.

GEORGIA: It’s a sad day between the hedges.

John Rauch, the former Bulldog quarterback and Oakland Raider Head Coach in Super Bowl II died at his home in Oldsmar Florida. he was 80 years old.

Rauch became a four year starter for the Bulldogs from 1945 to 1948 and he was the first player in college football history to start in four consecutive bowl games. Het set the NCAA record with 4,044 career passing yards while leading the Georgia Bulldogs to a 36-8-1 record and two consecutive Southeastern Conference Championships.

VIRGINIA TECH: The Hokie’s prized recruit who led Amherst High School to consecutive Group AA State Championships and was voted the Associated Press Virginia Player of the Year is facing felony drug charges.

Peter Rose, the first team quarterback and AP Group AA Player of the Year in 2007, was charged with two counts of distribution of drugs within 1,000 feet of a school.

Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden was reported to have said concerning the arrest: ” If he would have signed with us we would have provided him with bail money and a decent attorney.”

TENNESSEE: This past week, University of Tennessee President John Petersen announced that a number of academic programs will be eliminated in order to cover the reported 11 million dollar shortfall in the university budget.

One program that will be eliminated is the minor in dance curriculum.
No word yet on how this will effect the academic standing of the football team.

EDITORS NOTE: Thank God they STILL have the Walking classes for the football players or none of them would be eligible.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Believe it or not, the investigation into the Trojans and Reggie Bush is still “ongoing.” Ole Reggie’s attorneys are working overtime to prevent the lawsuit from his “former” sports agent Lloyd Lake from being conducted in a public forum.
Currently the lawsuit has been delayed as Reggie’s attorneys have reserved an 11 July court date to argue a motion to compel arbitration and want the case stayed until that motion is heard.
If the case is stayed and moved out of court, it would cut off potential court-related evidence available to the NCAA, which as we all know is “investigating” whether Bush and his family recevied impermissible benefits from Lake and his former business partner Michael Michaels.

Bush and the Trojans don’t act like they are innocent, do they?

EDITORS NOTE: Whatever happened to the NCAA finding a team or individual guilty on circumstantial evidence?

NCAA: Hey Matlock, have you found Reggie Bush’s parents house yet?

Only 70 days until Kickoff…….

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

I have received a number of emails recently concerning my “bias” of Southern football in general and the Southeastern Conference in particular.

Some have commented that I need to be more “fair and balanced”. While others have suggested that such and such and so in so conference or university has a better team or teams than the Southeastern Conference.

One reader went as far as to suggest that Southern California “should” have been declared the National Champions last year because they were “better” at the end of the year than LSU.

Let me take a moment to respond to such criticism.

We Southerners have never bought into the “kinder and gentler” thought process, particulary when it comes to college football.

At least “real” Southerners haven’t.

We don’t allow our children to “choose” a college football team on their own, God forbid.

The little ones learn early and fast what “their” colors are and good parenting is often judged by how soon your children learn the fight song and know the name of their respective mascot.

And frankly I support that theory.

Yankees usually let their children “decide on their own” so their “creativity” isn’t dampened later in life. That is why most of their children are gibbering idiots by the time they are ten years old.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exceptions to this rule of course are Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State Fans.

While most northern families are talking to their children about the Kennedy Dynasty and the advantages of socialism, we in the South have educated our children in the ways of Bryant, Dooley, Dietzel and Shug.
We have taken the time to explain the Wishbone Offense to our kids and ran it with them in the back yard.
Unlike socialism, we have proven to our children the Wishbone offense works.

EDITORS NOTE: Notable exceptions to this rule of course are Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State Fans.

California college football fans which are almost always of the “Fair Weather” type are still stuck in the mindset of the 1960’s with “Hey, it’s just a game” or “Who wants a Zima and some Tofu?” and “Can’t we all just get along” attitude.

Let me be the first to break the news to you Sunshine: We Can’t, Don’t and Won’t all get along.
In fact we don’t like you. Not even a little bit.

You are the Paris Hilton of the college football world.

While you are getting “all fired up” to play Fresno, Jalapeno or San Jose State somewhere in the South a titanic struggle is taking place between proud programs that will be talked about for generations.

You think having a “Amnesty International Day” on game day is exciting?
Then you don’t want to go to Clemson, Blacksburg, Gainesville, Athens or Baton Rouge on a Saturday night.

Your heart wouldn’t be able to stand it.

We in the South own the landscape of College Football and all the ESPN announcers and left coast commentaries and NCAA Bull Butter in the world won’t change that fact.

Only 72 days until kickoff……

RTR
MEB

Hey everybody it’s your ole buddy Hootie Snitch!
The Number Damn One Vol Fan on the planet! Hell, maybe even the universe!

I know you’re a thinking that I am supposed to right something tomorrow, it being Friday and all.
Before you ask I ain’t a bit superstitious about righting on Friday the 13th!
But after that flu bug or whatever done jumped on the website a few weeks ago, I ain’t taken no chances!

Tell you the truth I never knew a damn machine could catch the flu, did you?

Before I get going on this weeks email questions and answers I just got to comment on that picture of young Phil Fulmer Junior I seen in this column a week or so ago.
He’s a good looking boy ain’t he?
You can sure see the donut didn’t fall very far from the box there!
He looks just like Coach Fulmer!

Now that we done got that out of the way let’s get to what I like to call: “Keep’n It Real with Hootie Snitch”
That is catchy as hell ain’t it?

Q: Hootie, you wrote some time ago that you didn’t know “Victoria’s Secret” but did know Earlene’s Secret. Care to share with us what that might be?
Ken - Little Rock, Arkansas
A: She will whip your ass after she gets liquored up but around here that ain’t no secret.

Q: You are like so funny and everything! Like seriously! I really like get a kick out of reading your articles. Do you have an IM account?
Stephanie -Newport Beach, California
A: IM right here at the Ole Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry Tennessee!

Q: Hootie we were wondering if you have invented anything else after the folks at McDonalds decided to pass on your McPossum and McMuskrat sandwich ideas?
Alex -Boone, North Carolina
A: Them folks at McDonalds wouldn’t know a good idea if it reached up and bit em, which that possum I brought for the “display” did to one of them McDonald’s folks.
I sure hope that fella’s stitches come out alright.
But to answer your question Alex, I invented something that is going to make me richer than Ernest Tubb!

Alex what does everybody need during the summertime? Sun Block, am I right?

Well I done invented some Sun Block that the pharmacist assistant down at the Wal-Mart here says must be a SF 4000! I ain’t really sure what the whole SF thing means, but I figured the higher it was the better it is! And it don’t get no higher than “Hooties Miracle Sun Block”!

I will let you in on a little secret Alex, what it actually is….plumber’s putty.
But it works like a damn charm and you can even mold it into a hat if you want too!
Hell, I am wearing a hat made out of it right now!

Q: Hootie, I think you are a “little off” on your latest rant concerning the reining National Champion LSU Tigers and Coach Les Miles. The headlines around the country that you referenced stated……

“DUE TO HIGH GAS PRICES AMERICA IS DRIVING LESS MILES THIS SUMMER”

This means that Americans will be driving LESS miles this summer, understand?
Eddie -Thibodaux, Louisiana
A: I know damn well what it said and you ain’t tricking me into driving your Coach no damn where!

Q: Hootie do you have any plans to see any movies while we wait for the start of the 2008 College Football Season?
Valerie - Stuttgart, Arkansas
A: I am still a waiting on another one of them Ernest movies to hit the screen, but until then I figure we will just watch the video of Uncle Todd’s colonoscopy again.
It’s kind of like watching “Journey to the Center of the Earth.”

Q: My question is this: What kind of team do you think the Chippewa’s will have this year and do you think a real contender will emerge from the Mid-American Conference this year?
Tom - Mount Pleasant, Michigan
A: You making this up? Because this sounds made up to me. I never heard of nothing you just said. What is a Chippewa anyway? Is that like a miniature groundhog?

Q: Do you have any opinions about Yale this year?
Reginald - New Haven, Connecticut
A: Well I yale all the damn time around here, especially when the phone don’t work or the satellite goes out during Jerry Springer.

Q: Hootie as a rabid Tennessee Fan what is the most amazing thing you have ever seen in Neyland Stadium?
Jimmy - Altus, Oklahoma
A: That’s an easy one Jimmy! I was at a game in Neyland stadium two years ago with my partner in crime Scooter Johnson. I don’t remember who we was playing but right before halftime ole Scooter was getting ready to sneeze and when he sneezed Scooter broke wind at the same time and I thought his damn head was going to pop off!

That was without a doubt the most amazing thing I ever seen!

Hootie - Out!

Ladies and Gentlemen -

You know we are 79 days away from the opening kickoff to the 2008 College Football season so it’s time to talk about one of my favorite topics; Instate Rivalries.

Certainly everyone knows about the hate and discontent that exists between Ohio State and Michigan or Texas and Oklahoma and Tennessee and everybody.

But the hate that is conjured up by an instate rivalry is the most bitter of all.

For those of you in Nebraska, Wyoming, Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin or Tennessee you may not understand what I am describing.

Let’s face it a game between Ohio State and Ohio Wesleyan isn’t exactly a major draw.
Some of you may be thinking what would be wrong with watching the Buckeyes take on the Battling Bishops?

Everything: Because it doesn’t matter and the outcome is inevitable.

The hate and discontent that is generated by an instate rivalry last’s all year long.
It is passed on to your children and it is felt at the grocery store, at school and in church.

It is the first derogatory thing that passes your lips when something doesn’t go as planned with someone from the “other side of the state”.

“Damn Herb didn’t bring back my lawnmower like he said he would; #@&* Duck fan, what should I have expected.”

It is stating that your two favorite college football teams are yours and any team playing against your rival that particular Saturday.

It is passion; it is one ideology and way of life versus another.

It is brother against brother.
It is Democrats verses Republicans, Protestants verses Catholics.
It is Oil and Water and Cowboy’s and Indian’s all rolled into one.

They play for an Apple Cup or a Common Wealth Trophy or in a Civil War or in an Egg Bowl but mostly they play for PRIDE.

They come with different mascots, fashions and nicknames, but they all have one thing in common…the quest for Bragging Rights

Nothing is sweeter, nothing lasts as long when you win and no pill is harder to swallow when you are on the “other” side of the score board.

The memories of long ago clashes last forever.

Enjoy your week…..

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

These are what I like to refer to as the “Dog Daze” of College Football when the college football players have yet to report to summer camp and kickoff is still three months away.

It is depressing really, especially when you consider the alternative this time of year for “sports” on television.

CLASSIC POKER: On first glance I thought this was going to be an old grainy adult movie from the 1960’s, but instead I saw a bunch of knuckleheads setting around a table playing cards.
If you find this entertaining, let me be the first to tell you that you don’t have a life.

CLASSIC BOWLING: First things first; Bowling is NOT a sport.
Why do I make such a bold claim?
Simple: If you can wear plaid pants and a funny shirt and drink beer while you are engaged in a particular activity, then it’s not a real sport. (See Golf)

EDITORS NOTE: What’s next “Classic Badminton”?

CRICKET: In the South we don’t play with crickets we fish with them.

LACROSSE: If I wanted to see men in funny shorts chase each other around with fishing nets then I would go to the Pro Bass Tournament in South Alabama, at least alcohol is involved there.

WOMEN’S BEACH VOLLEYBALL: You had me at “women in swim suits”, but the rest of this is just stupid.
It’s like trying to make sense out of watching “Baywatch”.

LUMBERJACK CHAMPIONSHIPS: I hate when ESPN airs these programs! They remind me that I have work to do in the yard instead of watching a replay of the 1992 Sugar Bowl.

HOCKEY: Why would I watch people with a bad dental plan when I just got back from my wife’s family reunion in eastern Kentucky?

SPELLING BEES: Yes, that has actually been shown on ESPN, can you believe it?
What’s next, “Classic Spelling Bee Moments”? God Help us……

PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL: One question; Why does each team have to play 1,625 games in a single season and then STILL have to play a seven game series to determine who the actual Champion is? How long does their season last anyway, eleven and a half months out of the year?

PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL (MEN): You pay players a zillion dollars a year and they can’t hit a foul shot and you expect me to believe this is a “professional” sport?
As to their year long season, please see professional baseball above on schedules and playoff information.

PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL (MEN-LITE): I know that many of you may be outraged by my categorization of these amazons as “men-lite”. The truth is, the only diffrence between them and their more masculine counterparts are somewhat fewer tattoos and a higher percentage of lesbians.

TRACK & FIELD: The only thing more boring than track is field.

THE OLYMPICS: When you have a “committee” that is actually “studying” the possibility of making Poker, Bicycle Jumping and Yoga an Olympic event then you have a bunch of gibbering idiots that wouldn’t know a REAL sport if it tackled them.

Also, do I care that Olympic athlete Chang Wang Woo once had polio and likes Velvetta?
The answer is NO, I do not.

SOCCER: The First Rule of any “Sport” is this: If Frenchmen can play it then it’s NOT a real sport. And before you attack me with “everybody plays soccer” let me say this: If my beloved University has a soccer team I am blissfully unaware.

GOLF: Please See Bowling.

Only 83 Days until Kickoff…..

Remember that today is the Anniversary of the Normandy Invasion: D-Day.
NEVER forget the sacrifice made by our military to secure our freedom yesterday, today and tomorrow.

RTR
MEB

Hey yawl it’s your ole buddy Hootie Snitch the number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the planet and I am madder than Hell!

Like everybody else I seen on the news and in the papers last week something that just frosted my ass!

At first I couldn’t believe what I was a seeing and then I got together with some other Tennessee fans from the trailer park here and they seen it too!

Hell Fire! It’s on all the local and cable news stations! I even seen the headlines in the Baneberry Tennessee paper! We all seen it and are mad enough to spit!

I can’t believe the nerve of those LSU fans and in particular their damn football coach!

Everybody knows they won the National Championship this past year, but there ain’t no need for some kind of special treatment just cause you all won the title!

And the LSU football Coach is a damn millionare! Why in the hell does he think the rest of us are going to go out of our way and drive to God knows where and do someting for him!

Well I am a asking you all to join me and say we ain’t a going to do it!

You all know what headlines I am a talking about too!

DUE TO HIGH GAS PRICES….
AMERICA IS DRIVING LESS MILES THIS SUMMER

Well by GOD I ain’t driving him nowwhere!

Hootie - Out!