Ladies and Gentlemen –
I will be conducting the “Tuesday Q/A” this week, because Hootie Snitch is still recuperating from his failed attempt at performing laser eye surgery on his cousin Ronnie with a laser pointer.
For those of you that are concerned or are just joining us; This is all Hootie Snitch, the self professed “Greatest Tennessee Vol fan on the planet!”, would share concerning this particular incident.
While attempting to place Ronnie’s head in a bench vice to prevent him from “flinching” during the “surgery”, Ronnie inadvertently kicked Hootie square in the jimmy, thus rendering him incapable of carrying out the laser eye procedure on Ronnie.
Ronnie was attended by a local taxidermist that “sewed his ear back on” after Ronnie forced his head out of the vice losing his ear in the process and Hootie is resting comfortably at home icing his personal business.
Hootie also wanted me to share a “safety tip” with “all his fans”: “If you have to put somebody’s head in a bench vice, get them liquored up first.”
EDITORS NOTE: Wise words.
Any further medical discussions concerning this incident or other medical related questions will take place on my new website; “Turn your Head and Cough with Doctor Mike.”
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get to this week’s Questions and Answers, Shall we?
Q: Mike the Husker Nation is really excited this year with Coach Bo at the helm! But I have to ask you, what will it take to win this year and get the Huskers back in the hunt for the Big 12 Championship?
Tommy – Lincoln, Nebraska
A: In the words of Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant: “The same things win that always won; we just have have a different bunch of excuses if we lose.” Enough said.
Q: Mike, my company recently relocated my family and I to Baton Rouge Louisiana from Illinois and I CANNOT believe the LSU Tiger fans here! My neighbors on the street were we live are STILL celebrating the National Championship! How much longer can I expect the “Party” to last?
Anthony – (Formerly of Clinton, Illinois) Baton Rouge, Louisiana
A: If I were you Anthony I would strap myself and my family in for the long haul. I know some Tiger fans that celebrated the 1958 LSU “Chinese Bandits” Championship right up until the 2001 Sugar Bowl.
Welcome to the Southeastern Conference.
Q: Dear Sir, my family and I drove through Tennessee and Kentucky recently to attend a college baseball game in Athens Georgia and I couldn’t help but notice that none of the drivers in those respective areas had their headlights on while they were driving. Not even in the dark!
Is there a reason for this?
James – Dayton, Ohio
A: Yes James there is a reason. The drivers in the respective areas you mentioned are afraid that having their headlights on will increase their electric bills.
Q: Mike, I heard that during the Tennessee Orange and White Game Coach Fulmer’s wife “went off” on some of the local sports writers for publishing negative articles on the Coach’s continuing lack of discipline with the Volunteer players. Is that true and who is “really” in charge of that family?
Steve – Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: I have not heard about that incident Steve, but I can assure you that Coach Fulmer wears the bra in that family.
Q: Listen Mister, Coach Rod’s wife is NOT a hooker!?
I don’t know what you are smoking but she is NOT a Hooker! Got it?
Anonymous -Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Well, “anonymous” if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck……
Q: Mike, would you ever consider writing an article on another sport, say like the NBA?
Thanks!
Johnny -Madison, Wisconsin
A: Why in the Holy name of Vince Dooley would I write about something as stupid as the NBA?
A sport that lasts 12 and a half months out of the year and “everybody” makes the playoffs?
Let me sum this up for you Johnny, if the folks that run the NBA were in charge of WWII, we would still be fighting the Germans and the Japanese.
Q: Mike, I have a question for you. How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?
Paul – Lexington, Kentucky
A: At Duke it takes Eight.
One to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.
EDITORS NOTE: I can do this all day.
Q: YOU a damn Lie! That damn picture of Coach Fulmer you put in that thing is wrong and you know it! We know for a fact that Coach Phil is the third largest mammal to walk upright! We know cause we seen it!
That guy from Kansas ain’t nothing but Coach Phil’s mini-me!
Sam and Delores – Peyton Manning Trailer Park, Dunlap, Tennessee
A: I knew that the OBknoxville Zoo named the “new” baby hippopotamus after Coach Fulmer (Which is now called the “Phat-Phil-Opotamus” in case anyone was wondering), But I had no idea that he is now large enough to have his own zip code.
My Mistake.
Thursday we finish up our final installment of the College Football Spring Tour and Friday your favorite Tennessee Vol Fan, Mr Hootie Snitch will wrap up the week.
Only 114 days until Kick-off…..
RTR
MEB