Like many of you I have been very concerned over the rash of earthquakes taking place throughout my beloved South, Midwest and most recently in California.
Although I am neither a geologist nor an earthquake specialist I embarked on a personnel mission to determine the cause of this potentially deadly trend, which could threaten not only our very way of life but the entire 2008 College Football Season.

I am proud to report that I have isolated the source of the seismic activity!

Below is an untouched photograph of Coach Mark Mangino of the University of Kansas celebrating another year of beating anorexia by body slamming Phil Fulmer.

Ladies and Gentlemen -

It’s time for our next to last installment of our College Football Spring Game Tour.
We have quite a few college football teams to examine along with the latest news from the practice fields, so let’s not waste any more time here.

Only 121 Days until Kick-off…..
Enjoy

LSU: The Reining National Champion Bayou Bengals may have lost some key players due to graduation and the NFL draft, but make no mistake. If Coach Miles can keep his star Quarterback in school and out of jail they will be contending once again for the Southeastern Conference title. Believe it.

TEXAS: New coordinators abound in Austin and quarterback Colt McCoy is healthy, need I say more?
The Longhorns are poised to take the Big 12 for the first time since Saint Vince brought home the National Championship.

OREGON: I don’t care and neither should you.

BEST PLAYER QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Florida State wide receiver Preston Parker and last years MVP for the Seminoles on his recent arrest on weapon and drug charges.
“At least like, I wasn’t tasered, like you know some players.”
EDITORS NOTE: At least you have that going for you.

VIRGINIA TECH: Enter the Sandman….The Hokies are loaded and if they can squeak by Clemson, they will have a shot at the Atlantic Coast Conference Championship.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Coach Carroll decided to make the Trojan spring game “Fun and Interactive” for the players and fans this year by having the players “Bring Your Sports Agent to the Game” which was sponsored by the Lexis Dealers of Southern California and the Reggie Bush Foundation.
SHHHHhhhhhhhhhh don’t tell the NCAA.

PENN STATE: After Jo Pa earned some “street credit” with his young players after a traffic altercation last year, he has dedicated himself to forming a tougher defense than previous seasons.
No word yet on when Jo Pa will release his Rap album.

UCLA: (See Oregon)

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes were not suppose to even contend for the Big Ten, I mean Eleven title last year much less make a run at the National Championship. This year all the pieces of the elusive puzzle are in place with key players returning at almost every position and remember you heard it hear first……The Buckeyes will make a run at the title. Believe it.

GEORGIA: The Showdown with the Mighty Gators at the “Worlds Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” may very well decide who will contend for the Southeastern Conference Championship…and beyond.
EDITORS NOTE: You didn’t really think I was going to leave UGA without a…..
HOW BOUT THEM DAWGS!

NEBRASKA: 80,000 Husker Fans “paid” to see the spring game in Lincoln.
The Black Shirts may not be all the way back…but they are getting there in a hurry.

LOUISVILLE: Coach Steve Kragthorpe (Whose last name will be pronounced “Fired” if he doesn’t do a better job coaching than he did last season) spent the majority of the spring football practice teaching the Cardinals how to spell “D-E-F-E-N-S-E”.

COACH’S QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Coach Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech
“What the Hell? I thought I was coaching THE University of Georgia……..O’ God is this ever going to suck.”
EDITORS NOTE: Yes it will coach, it most certainly will.

WEST VIRGINIA: The Mountaineer fans are stocking up on furniture and lighter fluid this off-season in anticipation of another run at the Big East title under a real West Virginia coach.
EDITORS NOTE: I still don’t understand the concept of burning your own furniture after your team wins a game. I support it, but I don’t understand it.

LASALLE & MARIST: I understand both ladies had their hair done and hope to lose some weight this spring and summer and have a better outlook on life for the 2008 season.
Which is nice.

IVY LEAGUE: (Please see UCLA and Oregon)

Later this week Hootie Snitch will return to answer your email questions before we wrap up the College Football Spring Game Tour.

RTR
MEB

I am often asked who is the most exciting college football player in the country.

This brief tribute is dedicated to a young man who would have been preparing for his senior season in 2008.
Unfortunately due to an injury early in his college career, he will never play football again.

I don’t care what team you are a fan of, you have to admire the grit and determination and be amazed by….
“The Catch”.
So, to answer the question: This young man is the most electrifying player I have seen in a very long time.

More News from Spring Football Next Week…..This should keep you motivated until then.

RTR
MEB

Ladies and Gentlemen -

We will break from the usual “Tuesday Email Q&A” with Hootie Snitch to update the Spring Football Games from around the Country.
For those of you that are interested….
Hootie and his cousin Ronnie have both been released from the hospital following Hootie’s failed attempt to perform laser eye surgery on his cousin.
I am sure he will have more to say about this incident later in the week.

We all know the Spring Football Games have become a showcase for the upcoming season, but they have also developed into a fans dream weekend with a number of events, concerts and programs to excite and motivate any college football fan.

The next two weeks I will highlight a number of College Football Spring games and the events surrounding them, including news from the practice fields to keep you all informed and motivated for the upcoming 2008 College Football Season.
Enjoy!

OLE MISS & DUKE: Excitement surrounds both football programs with new coaches on campus, with Houston “I’m a” Nutt at Ole Miss and David “I know the Manning’s” Cutcliffe with the Blue Devils.
The excitement transcended to the spring game as both teams doubled attendance from last years event. Duke had six people attend while Ole Miss had nearly a dozen in the stands.
Attempts to determine if some of the spectators had wandered into the stadiums by accident are as yet to be determined.

BEST QUOTE FROM A SPRING GAME: Cameron Newton, University of Florida.
“I am not competing to be the back-up quarterback. I am competing to be the starting quarterback.”
EDITORS NOTE: Two words for you son: Tim Tebow, Now go take a seat on the bench.

BEST COACH’S QUOTE: Coach Nick Saban, University of Alabama
“I don’t need any show dogs, I need hunting dogs out on the field.”
EDITORS NOTE: Enough said Coach.

TENNESSEE: The annual Orange and White game had a number of “interesting” events surrounding the game itself. My favorite would have to be the “Guess What Coach Fulmer Just Ate” Contest sponsored by Krispy Kreme and Big Orange Bail Bonds.

The winner was Hal “Scooter” Schofield from Winchester Tennessee with his winning guess of a 1979 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.
EDITORS NOTE: No word yet on the condition of the illegal aliens living inside the vehicle at the time of consumption.

MICHIGAN: Athough the annual “Maze and Blue” game sounds like a time when the Native Americans saved some frozen pilgrims; the arrival of a new coach to campus in Ann Arbor has brought an unusual carnival like atmosphere to the spring game.

Coach Rodriguez or “Coach Rod” as he prefers to be called has instituted a number of what he calls “fun family events” for the Wolverine fans at this years spring game.
In honor of his wife, Coach Rod has the “Pimp your Wife” booth, which will allow Mrs. Rodriguez to give hooker fashion tips to the female attendees.
Prehaps the most popular event will be the “So Sue Me” Q&A with fans when Coach Rod will claim amnesia and other excuses on why he can’t pay West Virginia the 10 Million Dollars he owes them, this event will be sponsored by the Trial Lawyers Association of America.

And on a football note: If you think the Wolverines were bad last year?
You ain’t seen nothing yet…..

EDITORS NOTE: Why would you want to be called “Coach Rod”?
Sounds like the name of a gay porn star.

SOUTHERN MISS: I am still mad as hell that the Southern Miss administration ran Coach Jeff Bowers out of town, so I have nothing to report.

ALABAMA: 78, 200 in attendance for the Spring Game. Enough Said…..

OKLAHOMA & OKLAHOMA STATE: Nothing new to report, OU is BIG, Strong and Fast and will be better than they were last year and Coach Gundy is still a man.

CLEMSON: The Tigers are loaded with a returning quarterback that could start for anybody in the country except Florida. The game with Alabama to start the season will be something to see.

FLORIDA STATE: Great News from Tallahassee!
Last week it was reported that Coach Bobby found the practice field “all by his self”!
Unfortunately Coach Bobby was wearing “Pink Panther” slippers and matching robe while holding a bag of oranges and shouting “Where is MY Monkey!”
Coach Fisher took over practice while Bobby was taken away to “rest”.

More Spring Games to report later in the week.

RTR
MEB

Since it appears the “investigators” for the NCAA and the PAC 10 couldn’t find an elephant if they were tied to its tail, I am here to offer my help with the investigation of Reggie Bush and Southern California.
Submitted for your approval; “Some” of the evidence for the Reggie Bush investigation.
No need to thank me, I’m just glad to do my part.
Enjoy.

RTR
MEB

It’s me again Hootie Snitch!
I am sorry I didn’t get back with yawl after last Tuesday….
But Ole Hootie done had himself a rough week.
First, them folks from McDonalds changed their minds and wanted me to pitch my idea to them on Friday. You ain’t going to believe it….
But they said my McPossum Sandwich only had “regional appeal”!
When I asked them “what region?”, they just giggled and said never mind.

I even used my “ace in the hole”: The McMuskrat Sandwich (Come up with that one myself too!)
One of them McDonald’s guys told me that when I said it, it sounded like I had a stutter, so they said “No” to that idea too.
Believe that?
I couldn’t either, so I told them that I thought they were full of McCrap and they could kiss my McButt and I left.

Then come to find out that damn gopher up north lied about the weather, cause it got cold as hell this weekend.
You can’t tell the weather by watching some damn gopher!
Shows you what gophers and yankees know!
But I will tell you a secret, if you ask a squirrel anything after you eat some wild mushrooms, they will tell you a thing or two.

Let’s get to them Questions this week!
What’s his name will be back later in the week with reports from Spring Football games from around the country.

Q: Hootie, just where exactly is Casa Da Hootie?
Earlene - Baneberry, Tennessee
A: Earlene you know damn well where it is! I don’t want to be on “another” episode of “Cops” so you need to honor that restraining order and stay the hell away from me! Plus, I am still mad as hell you broke my Dale Earnhardt commemorative clock!

Q: Mike, what do you think Coach Rodriguez will be able to do with Michigan this year?
Troy - Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: Ain’t he that Coach whose wife looks like a hooker?

Q: Mike, with Chase Daniels coming back for another year, do you think the Missouri Tigers have a shot at the Big 12 Championship?
Tommy - Jefferson City, Missouri
A: If you had a been a reading the column Tommy you would have a known that What’s his Name is still off a fishing in Hiatus Louisiana. But to answer your question, I believe your Cinderella done lost her shoes and she ain’t going to no big dance this year.

Q: Mike, will the Mountaineers of West Virginia build upon last years Bowl victory and contend for the Big East Title? What do you think?
Terry - Morgantown, West Virginia
A: Didn’t yawl use to have that Coach whose wife looks like a hooker?

Q: Mr. Hootie, you are doing an admirable job in place of our “Favorite College Football Prognosticator”, will you continue to make a weekly post once he returns?
George - Fort Walton Beach. Florida
A: I wasn’t in the navy, but thanks for thinking I was an admiral! I will be back next week after some surgery.
I am going to give my cousin Ronnie that laser eye surgey later this week with one of them laser pointers.
I’ll let you all know how it turns out.

More Later!

Hootie - Out!

Hey Everybody!
It’s your good buddy Hootie Snitch!
Hope you ladies enjoyed last week’s update about myself!
Kind of got you going, didn’t it?
This week we are going to answer a few of your emails.

Q: Hootie, I really enjoyed your update last week!
Is there anyway we can see a picture of you? Are you on “My Space”?
Delores - Oneida, Tennessee
A: I ain’t never been in space, but I have been struck by lightning twice.

Q: Mike, I am representative of a rather large contingent of your Tennessee fans that enjoy your humor and unlike “Mr. Hootie”, can spell and use proper grammar. So with that being said, let me ask you a football question. With nearly a dozen arrests or off the field incidents taking place the past four months at Tennessee, when do you think Coach Fulmer will get a handle on the discipline issue?
Thomas - Nashville, Tennessee
A: Well, Mr. “Spell Good” if you would have been a reading right, you would know that “what’s his name” is off fishing in Hiatus Louisiana and I am answering the questions this week.
So, to answer your question there ain’t no problem with discipline at Tennessee!
Coach Fulmer and discipline go together like pizza and peanut butter.

Q: Hootie, other than filling in for “Our Favorite College Football Pronosticator” are you involved in anything else that we should be aware of?
Donna - Holly Springs, Mississippi
A: Donna, I am what you would call an “Idea Man”. I have come up with one hell of an idea that I will be talking with the MacDonalds folks about next week. You ready for this?
How does the McPossum Sandwich grab you?

Q: Dear sir, once again I implore you to include the Ivy League in your weekly pronostications this season. The Ivy League has one of the proudest traditions in all of collegiate athletics and might I add, the greatest history of compliance with the rules and regulations of amateur athletics set forth by the NCAA.
So, I ask you to please reconsider.
Skip - Cambridge, Massachusetts
A: I didn’t understand a damn thing you wrote.
But I do know that smart ass rich yankee kids don’t know a damn thing about football.

More Later on this week!

Hootie…Out!

Hey Everybody!
It’s me again, Hootie Snitch!
As you no by now I am only the Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
That guy that rights this column is on what he called a “Hiatus”, which I think is a town in Louisianna.
I bet he is down there a fishing.
So I am a going to keep you all updated until he gets back.

I have been getting a lot of attention from a righting in the football column last year and so I want to answer some of my female admirer’s questions this week.
This week is for all you Ladies out there….

To get write to it and answer some of yawl’s questions:
Yes, I am single and do own my very own previously owned doublewide trailer, even got me an above ground swimming pool. I am parked right here in the Big Orange Trailer Park in Baneberry Tennessee.
Pretty Sweet, huh?

To answer the Ladies other questions about myself…..
I am no diffrent than any other Tennessee Vol fan, except of course I am the Number damn One Fan and as the ladies in the trailer park point out to me on a daily bases, I am hotter than a stolen pistol.
I like long walks in the woods, particularly if it involves a snipe hunt….I ain’t caught a snipe yet, but I hear they is good eat’n.
I don’t see nothing wrong with cleaning your toenails in public.
I don’t know what Victoria’s Secret is…But I do know what Earlene’s Secret is and I ain’t tell’n.
I hate people that think wrestlin is fake - cause it ain’t.
I like women that have at least two teeth, preferably in the front. Cause it’s easier to open a beer when they are in the front.
I believe that liquor tastes better if it’s been strained through a car radiator.
My favorite colors are Orange and ORANGE! Hell Yeah!
I don’t believe that Community Service is anything to be ashamed of……
I like a woman that can play Rocky Top with her arm pit. That is just plain sexy.
I believe Coach Fulmer is like Moses, only heavier.
Women with mullets are just classy looking.
I don’t care what the damn police say, I believe that it’s O.K. to shoot a gun off in your own house when those damn cheat’n Gators beat the Vols or anytime somebody mentions anything to do with Alabama.
That includes the damn country music group too.

My favorite vacation place is The International Tow Truck and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum in Chattanooga Tennessee. The gift shop is freaking awesome!
Check it out!
http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org

Some of you ladies have asked if my cousin Ronnie is on “The Wall of the Fallen” at the Tow Truck and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum.
Hell NO! Ronnie don’t even drive a tow truck! We was down there at the gift shop before Christmas and Ronnie was all liquored up (As Usual) and screwed around and got the back of his britches hung on the tow hook statue at the Wall of the Fallen.
I never seen such a wedgee in my damn life!
By the time we got him down his drawers were big enough to be a car cover.

If you ladies have any more questions, you can right me here, at least until what’s his name gets back from fishing in Hiatus or just come on by the Casa Da Hootie in Baneberry, where it’s always Party Time!

GO VOLS!

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Before I depart for a brief hiatus I wanted to leave you all with another story from the
“Here we go again Department” and this is no April Fools.

On the evening of Friday April the 11th, the University of Alabama had planned to have a pep rally before the spring football game in Bryant Denny Stadium involving the football coaches, players and the Million Dollar Marching Band.
This pep rally was to be followed by a live performance (concert) by country music star Alan Jackson.

As you might imagine, this event had been planned for months.
Eighteen months to be precise.

STOP!!!
The NCAA stepped in on Friday 28 March 2008 with “concerns that student-athletes (namely football players) could be potentially used to promote the Alan Jackson Concert.”

The President of MSL Entertainment, Mr. Shawn Garrity, who sponsored the event at the University of Alabama and 16 other university spring football games had this to say concerning the situation.
“The issue over player participation has caused confusion among the schools during this critical window of time in which they had left to properly promote the event. With valuable time being lost awaiting NCAA clarification, we felt it was in the best interest of all parties involved to allow our participating universities and their marketing partners more time to adequately prepare for this event, the largest college football celebration in history.”

The NCAA “spokesperson” responded with the following statement:
“NCAA rules do not allow student-athletes to participate in any promotional activities or appearances for a commercial venture. NCAA rules also do not allow student-athletes to receive free or reduced benefits, such as free concert tickets, that are generally available to the student body. These rules are in place to maintain amateur status of student-athletes.
According to our discussions with MSL Sports Entertainment, the company wanted to use the appearance of football student-athletes as part of the event. In addition, the organizers did not want to require the student-athletes to pay admission to the event.
While it has been stated that the organizers have been planning this event for a year and a half, they did not contact the NCAA to ensure compliance until last week. ”

So football players being introduced on the stage of a concert (without buying a ticket) is a NCAA violation? Even if the event is to promote an event FOR the University?
O.K., so let me understand this…….”NCAA rules also do not allow student-athletes to receive free or reduced benefits, such as free concert tickets, that are generally available to the student body. These rules are in place to maintain amateur status of student-athletes.”

That is kind of funny because I remember Dwayne Jarrett from U$C who lived in a $4500.00 a month apartment in southern California for a year and a half for “free” and the NCAA determined that “Dwayne didn’t know that he had to pay rent” and allowed him to continue his career at U$C.
And who can forget (Other than the PAC 10 and the NCAA) Reggie Bush’s momma and step-fathers rent free mansion and the free plane trips, cars, the clothes, the cars and the clothes. You get the picture.

This is a good time to remind you all that NCAA stands for……..
National Coalition Against Alabama.

“Hootie” Snitch will take over the column until I return.
Stay tuned I understand he has something “for the ladies” later on this week.
Be afraid - be very afraid.

RTR
MEB